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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14935-8.txt b/14935-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e94a156 --- /dev/null +++ b/14935-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2260 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 6, 1841,, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841, + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 6, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE'S. + +The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my being ended +in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin the world, and do +something for myself. The only difficult problem left for them to solve +was, in what way I had better commence. One would have thought the world +had nothing in its whole construction but futile beginnings and most +unsatisfactory methods of doing for one's self. Scheme after scheme was +discussed and discarded; new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and +impossibilities seemed to overwhelm every succeeding though successless +suggestion. At the critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me +either that I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the +authoritative "rat-tat" of the general postman closed the argument, and +for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my bewildered +parents. + +"Good gracious!" "Well, I never!" "Who'd ha' thought it?" and various +other disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running +commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly devoured the +contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, re-wiped his +spectacles, and again commenced the former all-engrossing subject. + +"Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. Here's a letter +from your uncle Ticket." + +I nodded in silence. + +"Yes, sir," continued my father, with increasing emphasis and peculiar +dignity, "Ticket--the great Ticket--the greatest"-- + +"Pawnbroker in London," said I, finishing the sentence. + +"Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?" + +"Nothing further; I don't much like the trade, but"-- + +"But he's your uncle, sir. It's a glorious money-making business. He +offers to take you as an apprentice. Nancy, my love, pack up this lad's +things, and start him off by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom." + +So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly delivered to +Ticket--the great Ticket--my maternal, and everybody else's undefinable, +uncle. Duly equipped in glazed calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my +place behind the counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar +_penchant_ for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt sixpences, and +encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving counterfeit crowns, +half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on the ear, and a positive +command to confine myself to the up-stairs, or "top-of-the-spout +department" for the future. Here my chief duties were to deposit such +articles as progressed up that wooden shaft in their respective places, +and by the same means transmit the "redeemed" to the shop below. This was +but dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness (for +I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently fell into a +foggy sort of mystified somnolency--the partial prostration of my +corporeal powers being amply compensated by the vague wanderings of +indistinct imagination. + +In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear not only +imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of Æsop, blessed with the +gift of tongues. Others, though speechless, would conjure up a vivid train +of breathing tableaux, replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic, +half the size of the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the +imprisoned genie the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the +shadowy vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that +wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely dogged +by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant tiara opens the +vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled pride of the titled +hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The flash contents of that +bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the felon's bar; the daring burglar +eyeing with confidence the counsel learned in the law's defects, fee'd by +its produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride, +Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns usurp +the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed myself in +delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than ordinary force on one +beneath. These were two of my talking friends. I stirred not, but sat +silently to listen to their curious conversation, which I now proceed to +give verbatim. + +_Parcel fallen upon_.--"What the d--l are you?" + +_Parcel that fell_.--"That's my business." + +"Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don't you look where you're +going?" + +"How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty black silk +handkerchief?" + +"Ain't there a hole in any of 'em?" + +"No." + +"That's a pity; but when you've been here as long as I have, the moths +will help you a bit." + +"Will they?" + +"Certainly." + +"I hope not." + +"Hope if you like; but you'll find I'm right." + +"I trust I didn't hurt you much." + +"Not very. Bless you, I'm pretty well used to ill-treatment now. You've +only rubbed the pile of my collar the wrong way, just as that awkward +black rascal would brush me." + +"Bless me! I think I know your voice." + +"Somehow, I think I know yours." + +"You ain't Colonel Tomkins, are you?" + +"No." + +"Nor Count Castor?" + +"No." + +"Then I'm in error." + +"No you're not. I was the Colonel once; then I became the Count by way of +loan; and then I came here--as he said by mistake." + +"Why, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to speak to you. How did you wear?" + +"So-so." + +"When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest Petersham in town. +Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, were superb; and when you +were the Colonel, upon my life you were the sweetest cut thing about the +waist and tails I ever walked with." + +"You flatter me." + +"Upon my honour, no." + +"Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with chased buttons and +silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the honour of meeting. But I +suppose, as you are here, you are not the Cornet now?" + +"Alas! no." + +"May I ask why?" + +"Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his master's cloth and me +at the same time. The villain went to the Lowther Arcade--took me with him +by force. Fancy my agony; literally accessory to handing ices to +milliners' apprentices and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced +quadrilling it, he dos-a-dos'd me up against a fat soap-boiler's wife, in +filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin." + +"Scoundrel!" + +"Rascal! But he was discovered--he reeled home drunk. _I_, that is, as +it's known, _we_ make the men. The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him +soundly with a three-foot Crowther." + +"That must have been delightful to your feelings." + +"Not very." + +"Why not? revenge is sweet." + +"So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take me off, I got the +worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut about. Two buttons fearfully +lacerated--nothing but the shanks left." + +"How did it end?" + +"The valet mentioned something about wages and assault warrants, so I was +given to him to make the matter up. Between you and I, the Cornet was very +hard up." + +"Indeed!" + +"Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we used to walk out +with--those he strapped so tight over the remarkably chatty and pleasant +French-polished boots whose broken English we used to admire so much?" + +"Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever met. They beat +the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from ungentlemanly, only +they would always talk with a sham Scotch accent, and quote the 'Cotter's +Saturday Night.'" + +"Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our friends, and the +Cornet's friends, they must have been bad, for those very greys were +seated." + +"Impossible!" + +"Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch for three weeks." + +"How did they bear it?" + +"Shockingly. A general break up of the constitution--went all to pieces. +First, decay appeared in the brace buttons; then the straps got out of +order. They did say it was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots +going down on one side, but the boots would never admit it." + +"How did you get here?" + +"I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet and his Valet's +breakfast! What brought you?" + +"The Count's landlady, for a week's rent." + +"What did you fetch?" + +"A guinea!" + +"Bless me, you must have worn well." + +"No; hold your tongue--I think I shall die with laughing,--ha! ha!--When +they took me in, I returned the compliment. I've been--" + +"What?" + +"Cuffed and collared!" + +"Ha! ha! ha! ha!" shouted both coats; and "Ha! ha!" shouted I; "And I'll +teach you to 'ha! ha!' and neglect your business" shouted the Governor; +and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion of my +"Day-dream at my Uncle's." + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +"BLOW GENTLE BREEZE." + +The Reverend Henry _Snow_, M.A., has been inducted by the Bishop of +Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum _Windrush_. + + From Glo'ster _see_, a _windrush_ came, and lo! + On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted _Snow_. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +SHOWS WHAT'S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT'S IN A NAME. + + +[Illustration: U]Undoubtedly on the following day 24 Pleasant-terrace was +the most uncomfortable place in the universe. Some one has said that +wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to be far off; and the truth of +the allegory is never better exemplified than on the day after "a most +delightful party." We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a +victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at a very +considerable expenditure of _matériel_. Let us accompany the mistress of +the house as she proceeds from room to room, to ascertain the damage done +by the enemy upon the furniture and decorations. A light damask curtain is +found to have been saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has +been doing duty as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china +shepherdess, having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a +raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the +short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has perversely +fallen the only way in which it could have done any damage, and has thrown +the quicksilver on the back of a large looking-glass into an alarming +state of eruption. The return of "cracked and broken" presents a fearful +list of smashage and fracture: _the best_ tea-set is rendered unfit for +active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a milk-jug; the +green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully reduced in numbers; +two fiddle-handle spoons are completely _hors de combat_, having been +placed under the legs of the supper-table to keep it steady; seven +straw-stemmed wine-glasses awfully shattered during the +"three-times-three" discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of +Applebites; four cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of +"entusymusy" by four young gentlemen who were accidentally left by +themselves in the supper-room; eighteen silver-plated dessert-knives +reduced to the character of saws, by a similar number of "nice fellows" +who were endeavouring to do the agreeable with the champagne, and +consequently could distinguish no difference between wire and +grape-stalks. The destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the +extra waiter had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat +down rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his +lap, the result of which was, according to the following + + OFFICIAL RETURN, + + Two decanters starred; + One salt-cellar smithereened; + Four tumblers cracked uncommonly; + An extra waiter many bruises, and fractured pantaloons. + +The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the +street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind +is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were consequent upon the +Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the +house as the rout-stools made their exit. He was quite right; for the next +fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied +by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water. + +There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary +imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the +propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called "the +cherub," "the sweet one," "the mother's duck of the world," and "daddy's +darling." Several names had been suggested by the several friends and +relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to. + +Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the +member for Puddingbury, "in the hope," as he expressed himself, "that he +might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents +and virtues of his great ancestor." (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs. +Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, except in +the case of the member for Puddingbury.) + +Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de +Dickey, after her mother's great progenitor, who was said to have come +over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey +or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined. +(Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure +to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey. +In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.) + +The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be +called-- + +ALBERT (we give her own reasons)--because the Queen's husband was so +named. + +AGAMEMNON--because of the alliteration and his papa. + +DAVIS--because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she +thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis. + +MONTAGUE--because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to +address him by in general conversation. + +COLLUMPSION--as her papa. + +PHIPPS--because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were +marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and + +APPLEBITE--as a matter of course. + +(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for--nothing in particular, and by +Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to employ a +lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.) + +Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length +it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and +drawn by the nominees. The necessary arrangements being completed, the +three proceeded to the ballot. + + Mrs. Waddledot drew Isaac. + Agamemnon drew Roger de Dickey. + Mrs. Applebite drew Phipps. + +As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a "stern +virtue" everybody kept it to themselves, and the heir was accordingly +christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps Applebite. + +Old John soon realised Agamemnon's fears of Mrs. Waddledot's selection, +for, whether the patronym of the Norman invader was more in accordance +with his own ideas of propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his +mind of the infant heir, he was continually speaking of little master +Dicky; and upon being remonstrated with upon the subject promised +amendment for the future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled +the Phipps, the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always +contriving most perversely to + +[Illustration: "PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE."] + + * * * * * + + +A SCANDALOUS REPORT. + +We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that Colonel +Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It is true that a +deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take the chair on the 5th of +November, but the gallant Colonel modestly declined, much to the +disappointment of the young gentlemen who presented the requisition; so +much so indeed, that, after exhausting their oratorical powers, they +slightly hinted at having recourse to + +[Illustration: PHYSICAL FORCE.] + + * * * * * + + +"ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL." + + No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills, + Should have a _taste_ for gorging, + For since the work the pocket fills, + What _Smith_'s averse to _forging_? + + * * * * * + + +THE FIRE AT THE TOWER. + +This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement which +prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that occurred, and to +which we beg leave to call the public attention. + +In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the property, +precautions were taken to shut out every one from the building; and as +military rule knows of no exception, the orders given were executed to the +letter by preventing the ingress of the firemen with their engines until +the general order of exclusion was followed by a countermand. This of +course took time, leaving the fire to devour at its leisure the enormous +meal that fate had prepared for it. + +After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of no water +where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where there was no +possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose could be got into +were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most provoking way almost +overflowing its banks in the very neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if +the pipes were laid on to the water, they were laid off too far from the +building to have the least effect upon it. + +The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that suggested itself +to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to saving the jewels, which +were not in the smallest danger, and even if they had been, there was +nobody knew how to get at them, the key being some miles off in the +possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It might as well have been at the +bottom of the Thames; and, of course, everybody began tugging at the iron +bars, which were at length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of +time and trouble, removed _to a place of safety_ from _a position of the +most perfect security!!_ However, this showed activity if nothing else, +and of course made the subject of paragraphs about "presence of mind," +"indefatigable exertions," and "superhuman efforts" on the part of certain +persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as well have been +carrying the piece of artillery in St. James's Park into the enclosure +opposite. + +While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, where they +were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, it never occurred +to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which were being quietly +consumed, while the crown and regalia were being jolted about with the +most injurious activity. + +The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point of this +melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, on applying at +head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered by a blow from a +musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on the part of the +privates of the line to a person who is also + +[Illustration: ATTACHED TO THE LINE.] + +--the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true _gusto_ for accidents, and a +relish for calamities, which nothing could subdue, he still pressed +forward, with blood streaming from his fractured skull, for additional +particulars. The American reporter whose hand was blown off, and had the +good fortune to be upon the spot, is not to be compared with the hero who +had the exclusive advantage of being able to supply practical information +of the ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery. + +It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as no one +lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable that every +effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. There is no doubt +that the ladder was strenuously directed towards the clock tower, with the +view, probably, of saving the "jolly cock" who used to adorn the top of +it. + +The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that during the +whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to vary with the wind. +The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected that the awful solemnity of +the scene would have rendered any man, not entirely lost to every sense of +feeling, completely motionless. The apathy of the weathercock that went on +whirling about as if nothing had happened, is in the highest degree +disgusting, and we can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling +animal. + + * * * * * + + +PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. + +November, that month of fires, fogs, _felo de ses_, and Fawkes, has been +ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and at various other parts +of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of Parliament been passed for the +suppression of bonfires--November asserts her rights, and will have her +modicum of "flare up" in spite of the law; but with the trickery of an Old +Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon October. Nor is this all! +Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has already hatched several +conspiracies, as though everybody now thought of getting rid of others or +themselves. + +The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known as the +Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been favoured with a +communication which being considerably beyond his own comprehension, he +has in a laudable spirit submitted it to Punch--an evidence of wisdom +which we really did not expect from our friend Baron Jamescrow. + +We subjoin the introductory epistle-- + + DEAR PUNCH,--I hasten to forward you the awful letter enclosed--we + are all abroad here concerning it--by the bye, how are you all at + home--to say the least, it certainly does look very ugly. Mrs. P., + I hope, has improved in appearance. Something terrible is + evidently about to happen. I intend to pay you a visit shortly. I + trust we may not have to encounter any more Guys--you may expect + to see me on my Friday. I can only add my prayers for the nation's + safety and my compliments to Mrs. Punch and the young P.s. + + Yours ever, + + MONTEAGLE. + + P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I + have made a few notes, and paid the postage. + +The following is the letter referred to by the Baron Jamescrow:-- + + MY LORD,--Being known to some of your friends I would advise you, + as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some excuse to shift + off your attendance at your house (clearly the House of + Lords--_Monteagle_), for fire and brimstone have united to destroy + the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, lucifer-matches, and the + Peers--_Monteagle_). Think not lightly of my advertisement (see + _Dispatch_), but retire yourself in the country (I should think I + would--_Monteagle_), where you may abide in safety; for though + there be no appearance of any _punæ_; (what the deuce does this + mean? Puny's little--_Monteagle_), yet they will receive a + terrible blow-up (By punæ he means members of Parliament, and he + _is_ another Guy!--_Monteagle_); yet they shall not see who hurts + them, though the place shall be purified and the enemy completely + destroyed. + + I am, your Lordship's servant, + + and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of Parliament. + + T.I.F. Fin. + +We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a matter +evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires neither a +Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a letter from Tiffin, +the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to his peculiar plan of +persecuting the _punæ_. + +We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the +re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not speak upon +conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the delinquent. + +[Illustration: THE MODERN GUY VAUX.] + + * * * * * + + +THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + +Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article, +we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured +that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as +blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as +that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid +consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The +candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting +Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand +honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of +some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the +enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not +ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters +to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the +rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining +no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the +affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the +unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be +returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of +seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and +pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the +partner of a certain lady for life. + +Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above +candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause +of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear +destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always +possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome +as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty, +and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the +figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and +animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to +captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per +annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions, +were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony. + +Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing +a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great +attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager +pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal +possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold. +Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of +the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon +his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to +persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be +made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared +that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses +of all save two. + +Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young +men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their +persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their +tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their +coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their +chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they +were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete +with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till +such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never +known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were +scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no +objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of +gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge +through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small +six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as +a record of their having existed. + +Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom +report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair +Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled +out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival +in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted +from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other; +and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics +of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the +eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow +them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste +as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but +natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other +feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for +the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists +as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express +his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had +frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater +gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P. +In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately, +however, circumstances had never brought them into collision. + +It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town. +Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate +in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had +abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius +Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of +Taglioni and the Opera. + +The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay +his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the +mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the +assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant, +however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a +similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the +presence of his rival. + +The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other, +bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction. + +"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware +that he was holding communion with his rival. + +"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he +been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been +converted into a most contemptuous sneer. + +"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from +Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of +fashion. + +"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a +slight inclination of his body. + +"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock. + +"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy. + +"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P. + +"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate +enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own. + +"And what lips?" + +"Positively provoking!" + +"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who +gets possession of such a treasure!" + +"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of +self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his +own. + +"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock, +"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular +favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark, +slightly elevated his cravat. + +"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering +somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at +himself. + +The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed. + +"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his +emotion had subsided. + +"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark +it," responded Julius. + +"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly +marked, certainly--yes." + +"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing, +I believe!" + +"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as +much to you perhaps, sir?" + +Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied +"Why really, sir, that is a question which"-- + +"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but +candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?" + +"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring +slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust. + +"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you +know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?" + +"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the +flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought +it rather an indelicate one. + +Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not +refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired +significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?" + +Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his +unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a +peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the +fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation. + +"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently +perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?" + +"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal +_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize, +perfectly ridiculous!" + +"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!" + +"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!" + +"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see +the folly of such presumption." + +"To be sure, stupid dolt!" + +"Impudent puppy!" + +"Conceited fool!" + +"The fellow must be out of his senses!" + +"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!" + +"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!" + +The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from +their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual +satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been +fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of +his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his +chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand. + +"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of +enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with +a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself." + +"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned +Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P. + +"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here." + +"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you." + +"Will you allow me to present you with a card?" + +"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying, +the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting +his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly +coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he +should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life." + +"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr. +Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which +bore his name and address in the hand of his companion. + +"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest +convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his +fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his +title and residence. + +The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the +cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had +previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into +expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise. + +"Peacock!" shouted Candy. + +"Candy!" vociferated Peacock. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name +of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have +found, sir, of a very different character!" + +"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was +the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis +upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have +been delivered to him but with a different motive." + +"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!" + +"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat +it--fellow--fellow!" + +"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of +fool, sir!" + +"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!" + +"You're a conceited puppy, sir!" + +"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!" + +This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with +more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a +fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair +cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment. + +It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana +to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by +informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon +the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure +them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_." + +This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his +hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house, +vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection, +Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small +quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who +was so utterly blind to their manifold merits. + +Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + + * * * * * + + +SIR FRANCIS BURDETT'S VISIT TO THE TOWER. + +On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis +Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have +suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded +glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second +Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country's rights;--on last Monday +he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and +smouldering ruins before him--he perhaps compared them to his own +patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly-- + +[Illustration: CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?] + + * * * * * + + +REFORM YOUR LAWYERS' BILLS. + +It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to +the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living +within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces +vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for +demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into +something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_ +standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances. +The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from +well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders +pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified +by Ribston pippins! + +So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become +extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion. +Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are +merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats +cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from +wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in +fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution +plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into +pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant +upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements. + +Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes, +Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their +professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they, +Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the +charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following +list. + + N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment. + + [Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only. + + Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a + Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman, + Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical + Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other + miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy, + from the following prosecutions:-- + + £ s. + To breaking a policeman's neck 50 0 + To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same + himself 10 0 + To choice of situation of house in street where done, + from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord' + for number and affidavit 10 10 + ----- + Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury £70 10 + ----- + For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other + unimportant member 15 0 + For receipt written by wife of handsome provision 1 0 + For writing and indorsing same 5 5 + Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for + witnesses to look decent, including loss by their + absconding with the name 10 10 + ----- + Total £31 15 + ----- + For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods 20 0 + For carpenter proving same never fitted their + respective doors there engaged 3 3 + All extras included 1 1 + ----- + Total £24 4 + + N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are + low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices. + + For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police + included, if not amounting to fracture 5 5 + For suppressing police reports, or getting them put + in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman + substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench" + for "place at the bar" 10 10 + ----- + Total £15 15 + + And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low + charges. + + Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a + handsome discount. No connexion with any other house. + + * * * * * + + +"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c. + +"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the +morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by +the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who +the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but +from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was +_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and +rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges +in the kingdom. + + * * * * * + + +PEEL'S PRE-EXISTENCE! + +"Every man is not only himself," says Sir THOMAS BROWNE; "there hath been +many Diogenes, and as many Timons, though but few of that name. _Men are +lived over again_. The world is now as it was in ages past: there was none +then but there hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it +were, _his revived self_." We are devout believers in the creed. + +HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first class. He had +taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, and was gifted with as +fine a hand to force a card--with as glib a tongue to harangue a mob at +wakes and fairs, as any professor since the birth of the fourth grace of +life,--swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his list of +miraculous cures--of his balsams, his anodynes, his elixirs; in the +benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate the pockets of the poor, +sell a pennyworth of the philosopher's stone; and, as a further +illustration of his sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a +kreutzer, a mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his +Sagacity was inconceivable. A hundred years ago, he told to a fraction +the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at the specimen sent +him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty years predicted who would +be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, from an inspection of a pint of +water presented to him every season from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy +all the politics of the Court of Aldermen from a phial filled at +Fleet-ditch; and could at any time--no trifling task--tell the amount of +corruption in the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at +Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England--for the honour he has +done our country has never been generally known--he calculated to a nicety +how many puppies and kittens were annually drowned in the Thames, and how +many suicides--particularising the sex and dress of each sufferer--were +committed in the same period, from a bottlefull of Thames water brought to +him wherewith to dilute his brandy at the Ship public house, Greenwich--a +hostelry much frequented by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the +calculation very beautifully illuminated on ass's skin, and at this moment +deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known that the +Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, that after a nap +of a score or so of years he would return to this life in an entirely new +character. The Doctor has kept his word. HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir +THOMAS BROWNE says, is "lived over again" in Sir ROBERT PEEL! + +It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir ROBERT--for +though, indeed, he is no other than the old German quack revived, we will +not refuse to him his new name--toward the sufferers of Paisley, without +feeling that the fine spirit of finesse which made the reputation of the +student of the Black Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep; +but, on the contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The +Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately, +playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches' pocket with a spasm of +benevolence, and pulled therefrom--fifty pounds! Only a few weeks before, +Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his list of former cures, that he would clothe +the naked and feed the hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid +for such Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues +Parliament to the tune of "Go to the devil and shake yourself," and sits +down in the easy chair of salary, and tries to think! Disturbed in his +contemplations by the groans and screams of the famishing, he addresses +the starving multitude from the windows of Downing-street, telling them he +can do nothing for them in a large way, but--the fee he has received to +cure them can afford as much--graciously throwing them fifty pounds from +his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has no +objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society. + +It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame he +accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very best fiddle. +We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the part of NERO; there +was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of nerve, in such +instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher respect for NERO than +if he had been found playing on the burning Pantheon with a penny squirt. +His mockery of the Romans, bad as it was, was not the mockery of +compassion. + +"I will make bread cheap for you," says Sir ROBERT PEEL to the Paisley +sufferers; "I will not enable you to buy the quartern loaf at a reduced +rate by your own industry, but I will treat you to a penny roll, at its +present size, from my own purse." Whereupon the Tories clap their hands +and cry, "What magnanimity!" + +What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of London, the +Minister were to issue an order commanding all the fire-offices to make no +attempt to extinguish the flames, and were then to exclaim to the +sufferers, "My friends, I deeply sympathize with you; but the Phoenix +shall not budge, the Hand-in-Hand mustn't move a finger, the Eagle must +stay where it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of +my own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and pray +heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make you snug and +comfortable." + +Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people suspect; +nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid before their eyes, +they would be willing to admit. We have no space for its voluminous +history; but it is our belief, since quackery first plied its profitable +trade with human incredulity, it never perpetrated so successful a trick +as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT PEEL in his motion of want of confidence. +The first scene of the farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT +has snatched the cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how +he will play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is +already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, with +their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the distresses of the +people. "When the geese gaggle," says a rustic saw, "expect a change of +weather." Lord LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of +the Corn-laws. + +"Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?" says Lord LONDONDERRY. +These are new words for the old harridan Toryism. She was wont, like +_Falstaff_, to blow out her cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is, +Toryism has a new host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by +fictitious credit--by seeming prosperity--and, more than all, by the +ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a long date +we grant) have now to be paid--paper is to be turned into Bank gold. +Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the taxman's ink horn at his +button-hole, gives at every door lessons that sink into the heart of the +scholar. Public opinion, which, in the good old days "when George the +Third was king," was little more than an abstraction--a thing talked of, +not acknowledged--is now a tangible presence. The said public opinion is +now formed of hundreds of thousands whose existence, save in the books of +the Exchequer, was scarcely admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT +PEEL has now to give in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of +Birmingham, of Leeds--he must pass his books with them, and tens of +thousands of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three +months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought. + +At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he can best +lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the case. At this +moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the addition of which will +not crack the camel's back. No; Sir ROBERT will come to the Whig measures +of relief, having so disguised them as, like _Plagiary's_ metaphors, to +make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, however, +attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the genius of his former +existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has shuffled himself into +Downing-street; and there he will leave nothing untried that he may +remain. "If Cato gets drunk, then is drunkenness no shame"--"If Sir ROBERT +PEEL alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be +changed." This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we shall see men, +who before would have vowed themselves to slow starvation before they +would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale +or no scale at all, as their places and the strength of their party may be +best assured. + +Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat fire and +swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT PEEL will eat his +own principles--swallow his own words. When men call this apostacy, the +Doctor will blandly smile, and denominate it a sacrifice to public +opinion. We have no doubt that, as long as he can, the Premier will put +off the remedy; he will try this and that; but at length public opinion +will compel him to cast aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL'S--_bread +pills_! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER. + + If it be true man's tongue is like a steed, + Which bears his mind,--why then, none wonder need, + That Timlin's tongue can run at such a rate, + Because it only carries--feather weight. + + * * * * * + + When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud + Fills with amazement all the list'ning crowd; + But soon the wonder ceases, when 'tis found + That empty vessels make the greatest sound. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVII. + +[Illustration: SIR ROBERT MACAIRE + +ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +6.--OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS. + +[Illustration: O]One fine morning, in the October of the third winter +session, the student is suddenly struck by the recollection that at the +end of the course the time will arrive for him to be thinking about +undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. Making up his mind, +therefore, to begin studying in earnest, he becomes a _pro tempore_ member +of a temperance society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer +for six months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and +Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five guineas to pay +a "grinder," he routs out his old note-books from the bottom of his box, +and commences to "read for the Hall." + +Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the value of +private cramming--a process by which their brains are fattened, by +abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food (some of it _very_ +dry), like the livers of Strasbourg geese. There are grinders in each of +these three professional classes; but the medical teacher is the man of +the most varied and eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately +acquainted with the different branches required to be studied, but he is +also master of all their minutiæ. In accordance with the taste of the +examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of heat water +boils in a balloon--how the article of commerce, _Prussian blue_, is more +easily and correctly defined as the _Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of +potassium_--why the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make +such asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual +inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from "Who +discovered the use of the spleen?" to "Who killed cock robin?" for aught +we know. They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as these. + +It is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented by shelves of +bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of medical plants and +cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of young men are seated +round a long table covered with baize, in the centre of whom an +intellectual-looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows the amount +of knowledge it can contain, is interrogating by turns each of the +students, and endeavouring to impress the points in question on their +memories by various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he +passes his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched +upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a pretty +correct idea of the general run of the "Hall questions." + +"Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of his class, handing him a +bottle of something which appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat +after he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?" + +"That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff. + +"Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical name--_dolichos +pruriens_. What is it used for?" + +"To strew in people's beds that you owe a grudge to," replies Muff; +whereat all the class laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for +granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in his interleaved manual. + +"That answer would floor you," continues the grinder. "The _dolichos_ is +used to destroy worms. How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next +pupil--a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very +like a butler out of place. + +"It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones. + +"You would say it acts mechanically," observes the grinder. "The fine +points stick into the worms and kill them. They say, 'Is this a dagger +which I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones, +when you go up. Mr. Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if +you wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?" + +Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an abrupt +manner, a song he was humming, _sotto voce_, having some allusion to a +peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having passed a night at a house +of public entertainment in the Old Bailey previous to an execution. He +then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pupils as much as to say, +"See me tackle him, now;" and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden +on Boxing-night." + +"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," continues the teacher; "what +else is likely to answer the purpose?" + +"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place knockers on your arm, +and three policemen on your heels, might have a good effect," answers Mr. +Manhug. + +"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at this rate?" +observes the teacher, in a tone of mild reproach. + +"Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturbable Manhug. "I've passed +it twenty times within this last month, and did not find any very great +difficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they block up +Union-street and Water-lane." + +The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on to the +next. "Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you the composition of +the _compound gamboge pill_: what is it made of?" + +Mr. Rapp hasn't the least idea. + +"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, ginger, and soap--C, +A, G, S,--_cags_. Recollect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were +sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?" + +"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp. + +"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you substitute?" + +"Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds." + +"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume you could not get any +pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was nothing in the house. What +would you do then?" + +Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the table--"Let him die and be +----!" + +"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more steady," +interrupts the professor. "You would scrape the ceiling with the +fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is an +antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They like you to say you would +scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in +emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the last question and answer?" + +"Yes sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes making a note of it. + +"Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. What would be your +first endeavour?" + +"To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel," mildly observes Mr. Newcome; +whereupon the class indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as +deep as the red bull's-eye of a New-road doctor's lamp. + +"What would _you_ do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can inform Mr. Newcome." + +"Cut him down, sir," answers the indomitable _farceur_. + +"Well, well," continues the teacher; "but we will presume he has been cut +down. What would you strive to do next?" + +"Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a _post mortem_ +examination." + +"We have had no chemistry this morning," observes one of the pupils. + +"Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. How would you +endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any body?" + +"By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," interrupts Mr. Manhug. + +"If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," observes Mr. Jones, "he'd be +sure to lend it--oh, yes!--I should rayther think so, certainly," +whereupon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right +hand, and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an +imaginary one handed flageolet. + +"Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a compound body?" + +Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance. + +"A compound body is composed of two or more elements," says the grinder, +"in various proportions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones." + +"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two elements, ale and +porter, the proportion of the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the +respectability of the public-house you get it from," replies Mr. Jones. + +The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopoeia, says, "I see here +directions for evaporating certain liquids 'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome, +what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted +with?" + +"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and Drury-lane," +returns Mr. Newcome. + +"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. Newcome, to keep +it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at the Hall for the most +familiar instance, they like you to say a carpenter's glue-pot." + +And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds. + + * * * * * + + +THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN. + +_By the Correspondent of the Observer._ + +The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most agonising +suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if a Prince of +Wales is not born before their period of office expires, will lose the +chance of being created baronets. + +According to rumour, the baby--we beg pardon, the scion of the house of +Brunswick--was to have been born--we must apologise again; we should say +was to have been added to the illustrious stock of the reigning family of +Great Britain--some day last month, and of course the present Lord Mayors +had comfortably made up their minds that they should be entitled to the +dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions as that which the +nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are at the beginning of +November, and no Prince of Wales. We have reason to know that the Lord +Mayor of London has not slept a wink since Saturday, and his lady has not +smiled, according to an authority on which we are accustomed to rely, +since Thursday fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the +present official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales +is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making Daniel +O'Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be twins presented to +the nation! one on the night of the 8th of November, the other on the +morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate both parties; but we are not +disposed at present to pronounce a decided opinion on this part of the +question. We know that politics have been carried most indelicately into +the very heart of the Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all +parties, that the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of +political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be most +indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our dislike to +the use of strong language is well known, or at least it ought to be. + +If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a second +edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, and should +think it worth while to publish another impression for the purpose of +stating it. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 10. + + You talk of love--I would believe + Thy words were truth; + Nor deem that thou wouldst e'er deceive + My artless youth: + But when we part, + Within my heart + A small voice whispers low-- + Beware! Beware! + Fond girl, the snare! + it's all no go! + + You talk of love--yet would betray + The heart you seek, + And smile upon its slow decay, + If 'twould not break. + In vain you swear + That I am fair, + That heaven is on my lip! + I know each vow + Is worthless now; + [Illustration: YOU'VE MISS'D YOUR TIP.] + + * * * * * + + +THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES. + +"Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in Chancery will be much +better off than formerly"--said Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate. +"Undoubtedly," replied the friend, "they may now choose between the +frying-pan and the fire." + + * * * * * + + +MR. PUNCH, + +ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS[1], + + [1] Baylis. + +BEGS TO INFORM THE + +HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS + +AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL, + +That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th of +November, he _had_ engaged the services of the following + +EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES. + +SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for _squibs_. + +MR. ROEBUCK, for _flower-pots_, containing the beautiful figure of a +_genealogical tree_. + +COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his _own plan_; +warranted to flare up at starting, and to come down--_a stick_. + +DANIEL O'CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman candles, + +MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS BURDETT, for +Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to _turn round_ with great +celerity, and to exhibit _curious designs_. + +LORD MINTO, for _Chinese fire_, prepared from the recipes of his gallant +relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have been procured at an +immense outlay.--(See next year's "Budget.") + +The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police Force in +general, for the supply of _crackers_. + +MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for _port_-fires. + +SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a _golden rain_. + +*** A large supply of these articles always on hand. Apply at Mr. P.'s +Office every Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR. + +Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when the tiger +broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to come and witness +his performance; by great good luck, he and the rest of the affrighted +spectators effected their escape; but he was heard vehemently declaring he +had been deceived in the most beastly manner, as he would not have come +but that he supposed he was + +[Illustration: LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.] + + * * * * * + + +SHIP NEWS. + +Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, _La Gitana_ (wherry Z.9), Execution +Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing her, discovered the Master +with his wooden leg in the mud, to which he had made fast the head-line, +with his left leg over his right shoulder, high and dry. + +A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop Walkers, was +washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old ribbon-box, apparently used +for a sea-chest, containing wearing apparel, 1s. 8d. in fourpenny pieces, +and sundry small pieces of paper, with "Dry," sign of the "Three Balls," +printed thereon, and endorsed, "Shawl, 3s. 6d., 30 remnants of ribbon 7s. +6d., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3s. 6d.," &c. &c. The crew supposed to have +abandoned her off the "Swan," where they were seen in a state of beer. + + * * * * * + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +A great _fall_ of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the Brighton Railway on +last Thursday morning; a corresponding _fall_ in milk took place in London +on the following day. + + * * * * * + + +SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE-- + +[Illustration] + +of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty's Ministers, in +want of an active cad, or light porter; the advertiser, a young man at +present out of place, would be anxious to make himself generally useful, +and is not particular in what capacity. Respectability not so great an +object as a good salary. Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad's +Arms, _Turn'em Green_. + + * * * * * + + +HARD AND FAST. + +That very slow coach, and would be "faster," the licensed +to-carry-no-thing-inside "Bernard Cavannah," has been recently confined in +a room, wherein he has lived upon the "cameleon's dish," eating the +air--"jugged," we presume. Wakley declares he is an impostor; but as he +has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard survives, this may be +attributed to professional disappointment. Dr. Elliotson declares, from +his own experience, any man can live upon nothing. The whole medical +profession are getting to very high words; Anglice,--indulging in very low +language. The fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are +growing so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to +witness a beautiful tableau vivant of + +[Illustration: SURGERE IN ARMIS.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE. + +Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning "native +talent" go down on his knees, and, after the manner of the ancient +heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for having at last sent us a +singer who knows her business! One who can sing as if she had a soul; who +can act as if she were not acting, but existing amidst reality; who is, in +short, a performer entirely new to the British stage; to whom we have not +a parallel example to produce,--a heroine of the lyric drama. + +Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide Kemble. +Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set up with the +small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned singing on the stage; +making the public pay for her tuition. On the contrary, nature has +manifestly not been bountiful to her in this respect. Her voice--the mere +organ--may have been in her earlier years exceeded in quality by many +other vocalists. But what is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower +tones forcible; the middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet +and rich beyond comparison. + +But how comes this? How has this moderately-good organ been brought to +such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst English +singers--practice the most constant, study the most unwearied. Punch will +bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that Miss Kemble has sung _more_ +while learning her art, than many old stagers while professing and +practising it. + +She seems, then,--as far as one may judge of that kind of perfection--a +perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what she likes with it, she can +sustain a note in any part of the soprano compass--swell, diminish, and +keep it exactly to the same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can +burst forth a torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions, +without losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in +_sotto voce_, as distinct as it is thrilling and true intonation. + +Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies to devote +to her acting; which, in _Norma_, has all the elements of tragic +dignity--all the tenderness of natural feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble +is a mistress of every branch of her art; and we can now say, what we have +so seldom had an opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses +a singer who is also an actress and musician! + +The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or somebody +else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, they +condescended to act--to perform--to pretend to be what they are meant for! +Never was so efficient, so well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard +or seen before on the English stage. The chorus-master deserves +everybody's, and has our own, especial commendations. + + * * * * * + +NINA SFORZA. + +A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in exactly the +same number of titles--namely, "R. Zouch S. Troughton, Esquire"--made its +appearance for Miss H. Fancit's benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket. + +The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has been +strictly followed in "Nina Sforza." _Raphael Doria_, the heir-apparent to +the dukedom of Genoa, is a man about town in Venice--is accompanied, on +most occasions, by a faithful friend and a false one--saves the heroine +from drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or +rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, as +usual, loved by the villain--a regular thorough-paced Mephistopheles of +the Surrey or Sadler's Wells genus. These ingredients, having been +carefully compounded in the first act, are--quite _selon les +règles_--allowed to simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in +the fifth. Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively +productions that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy, +and Francklin were Melpomene's head-cooks. + +Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the hashes of +the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, by giving to the +stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as to bring out his savagery +in bolder relief. He is also invested with an unaccountable influence over +the hero, who can on no account be made to see his bare and open treachery +till about the middle of the fifth act, when the dupe's eyes must be +opened in time for the catastrophe. + +These improvements have been carefully introduced into the present old new +tragedy. _Ugone Spinola_ is the presiding genius of _Doria's_ woes: and +dogs him about for the pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished +epicure in revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage +_gôut_ all through; but particularly towards the end of the play. This +taste was, it seems, first acquired in consequence of a feud that formerly +existed between _Doria's_ family and his own, in which his side came off +so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all the rest +having been murdered by _Doria_ and his father's faction. From such deadly +foes, it may be observed, that tragic heroes always select their most +trusted friends. + +_Doria's_ father dies, and _Nina's_ consents to his marriage; so that we +see them, at the opening of the third act, the picture of connubial bliss, +in a garden belonging to the Duke's palace at Genoa, exchanging sentiments +which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were quite intelligible. +A great deal is said about genius being like love; which gives rise to a +simile touching a rose-bud in a poor poet's window, and other +incoherencies quite natural for persons to utter who are supposed to be in +love. This peaceful scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the +Prince goes to fight the Florentines. + +The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the Genoese +halting near their city after a victory. _Doria_, who in the first act has +been represented to us as an exceedingly gay young fellow, is here +described as indulging, in his tent, his old propensities; having brought +away, with other trophies, a fair Florentine, who is diverting him with +her guitar at that moment. This is excellent news for _Spinola_; the more +so as we are soon made to understand that _Nina_, being impatient of her +husband's return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and discovers the fair +Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, and her spouse in the midst +of his raptures thereat. + +A scene follows, in which _Spinola_, as a new edition of Iago, and _Nina_, +in the form of a female Othello, get scope for a great variety of that +kind of acting which performers call "effective." The wife--in this scene +really well-drawn--will not believe Doria's falsehood, in spite of strong +circumstantial evidence. _Spinola_ offers to strengthen it; and the last +scene of this act--the fourth--presents a highly melo-dramatic situation. +It is a street scene; and _Spinola_ has brought _Nina_ to watch her +husband into her rival's house. She sees him approach it--he wavers--she +hopes he will pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of +course she swoons and falls. So does the act drop. + +The entire business of the last act is to bring about the catastrophe; +and, as not one step towards it has been previously taken, there is no +time to lose. _Spinola_, therefore, is made not to mince the matter, but +to come boldly on at once, with a bottle of poison! This he blandly +insinuates to _Nina_ might be used with great effect upon her husband, so +as effectually to put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair +Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such use; +but, nevertheless, honours _Spinola_'s draught, by accepting it. The +villain expresses himself extremely grateful for her condescension, and +exits, to make way for _Doria_. + +Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done something +exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with remorse and a +certain white powder which is the stage specific for pallor. The lady +complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly advises her to go to +bed. She replies, that she has a cordial within which will soon restore +her, and entreats her beloved lord to administer the potion with his own +dear hand; he consents--and they both retire, and the audience shudders, +because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the dose, of +which _Spinola_ has been the dispensing chemist. + +And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the subject of the +dramatic _Materia Medica_, and _poison-ology_. The sleeping draughts of +the stage are, for example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of +chemical perfection. When taken--even if the patient be ever so well +shaken--nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after the cue for +his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting up, have been +given; while it never allows him to dose an instant longer than the plot +of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; there are some which kill the +taker dead on the spot, like a fly in a bottle of prussic acid; others, +which--swallowed with a sort of time-bargain--are warranted to do the +business within a few seconds of so many hours hence; others again there +are (particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant +torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound (always +administered to such characters as _Nina Sforza_) are peculiarly mild in +their operation--no stomach-ache--no contortions--but still effectual. + +The contents of the phial given to _Nina_ by _Spinola_ are compounded of +the second and fourth of these _formulæ_. The drink, though deadly, is +guaranteed to be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted +to operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty of +time to die, and to make her go off in great physical comfort. + +_Nina_ has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar desire to die at home, +orders a "trusty page" to provide horses for herself and attendant +secretly, at the northern gate, that she may return to her native Venice. +With this determination we lose sight of her. + +_Doria_ is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so early that they +seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, to which the Italian +hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears an obstinate resemblance. +The Prince discovers his wife has fled, and orders his _chasseurs_ to +divert their attention from the game they had purposed to ride to cover +for, and to hunt up the missing _Nina_. + +"In the deep recesses of a wood" _Spinola_ and _Doria_ meet, the latter +having, by some instinct, found out his _pseudo_-friend's treachery; of +course they fight: _Doria_ falls; but _Spinola_ is too great a glutton in +revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife's death, so, after gloating +over his prostrate enemy, and poking him about with his rapier for several +minutes, all he does is to steal his sword; this being found upon him by +some of the hunters, who meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has +killed _Doria_, and so kill him. Thus, _Spinola_ being disposed of, there +are only two more that are left to die. + +In her flight _Nina_ has been taken unwell--with the poison--just in that +part of the forest where her spouse is left, by his enemy, in a swoon. +They meet, and she dies in his arms. Two being now defunct, only one +remains; but there is some difficulty in getting rid of _Doria_, for he is +(as is always the case when a stage _felo-de-se_ impends) unprovided with +a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend _D'Estala_, he engages him in +talk, and, with the dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs +himself. All the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go +on, and the curtain drops. + +A word or two on the merits of _Nina Sforza_. There are two classes of +dramatists who are just now contending for fame--those who cannot get +their plays acted because they are not dramatic, and those who can, +because their pieces are _merely_ dramatic. Mr.--we beg pardon, R. Zouch +S. Troughton, Esquire,--belongs to the latter class. He is evidently well +acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows all about +"situation"--that is, sacrificing nature to startling effect. His language +is essentially dramatic, and only fails where it aims at being poetical. +His characters, too, are not drawn from life, from nature, but are +copied--and cleverly copied--from other characters that strut about in the +"stock" tragedies of Rowe _et hoc genus_. The fable, or plot, is +deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, pervading incident to +excite, and keep up a progressive interest. With every new act a new +circumstance arises, which, though it is in some instances (especially in +the fourth act) conducted with great skill, yet the interest it produces +is not sustained, being made to give place to the author's succeeding +effort to get up a new "situation" by a new incident. Though the tragedy +possesses little originality, it will, from its melo-dramatic and exciting +character, be most likely a very successful one. Besides, it is very well +acted, by Miss Faucit, Wallack, and Macready, as _Spinola_; which, being a +most unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an actor +as Macready. + +The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because he has +taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective on, the +stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study nature, and +put men and women upon the stage that act and speak like real mortals, we +may safely predict an honourable dramatic career for Mr. ----; but our +space is limited, and we can't afford enough of it to print his names a +third time. + + * * * * * + +THE QUADROON SLAVE. + +A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much wanted on +the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that "The Slave" _par excellence_, +in spite of the brothers _Sharpset_ and Bishop's music, ceases to +interest. The woes of "Gambia" have been turned into ridicule by the +capers of "Jim Crow," and the twin pleasantries of "Jim along Josey." +Since the moral British public gave away twenty millions to emancipate the +black population, and to raise the price of brown sugars, they are not +nearly so sweet upon the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now +Cæsar being "massa-pated, him no work--dam if he do!" + +To meet this dramatic exigency, the "Quadroon Slave" has been produced. It +may be classed as an argumentative drama; carried on with that stage logic +which always makes the heroine get the best of it. The emancipation side +of the question is supported by _Julie_, ably backed by _Vincent St. +George_, but opposed by _Alfred Pelham_; and the lingual combatants rush +_in medias res_ at the very rising of the curtain--the "house," +immediately taking sides, vehemently applauding the arguments of their +respective favourites. _Vincent St. George_--ably entrusted to that +interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster--opened the discussion by protesting +against the flogging system, especially as applied to females. _Alfred +Pelham_ answered him; the reply being taken up by the heroine _Julie_ in +broken French, because she is personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of +parties as here developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a +quadroon, is on the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and +openly resents the tender advances of her ally. "Call ye this backing of +your friends?" _Vincent St. George_, disgusted at such gross +tergiversation, flies entirely away from the point at issue, and applies +those remarks to _Julie_ which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to +utter in such cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he +challenges him--unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by +engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of +duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of "question!" "question!" from +the audience. + +This brings _Vincent_ back to the point, and with a vengeance! Like a +great many other orators on the liberal side of the black question, he is +a slave-owner himself, having--as his "attorney" _Vipper_ is careful to +tell us--no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, before +he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he might--one cannot +help thinking--have had the decency--_like Saint Fowell Buxton_--to _sell_ +his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court with clean hands. But +so far from doing so, _Vipper_ having discovered that _Julie_ is a +run-away slave from _Vincent's_ estate, just as she is ending the first +act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the second act +to claim her! + +Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of +affairs--_Vincent_ insisting, as _liberals_ so often do, upon his vested +rights in _Julie_ as opposed to _Pelham's_ matrimonial ones--though the +heroine renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the +rivals--though she rushes upon a parapet to commit suicide--though she is +saved, and at length succeeds by force of mere argument to get her +new-found master to give her up to her husband; yet this second act was +somewhat dull; insomuch that the audience did not seem to regret when the +curtain dropped the subject, and announced their own emancipation from the +theatre. + +Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a _Telemachus +Hearty_, who, further than skipping about the stage, talking very fast, +and making himself not altogether disagreeable, had no more to do with the +piece than his namesake, or Fénélon Archbishop of Cambray himself. + +This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage--to turn as it were the +theatre into a debating society--will certainly not succeed. +Audiences--especially Haymarket ones--have a taste for being amused rather +than reasoned with; besides, those on that side of the question which the +author chooses shall be the weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators +get the upper hand, without having a chance of answering them. Even +dancing is preferred by them to didactics, though it be + +[Illustration: A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.] + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 6, 1841,, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14935-8.txt or 14935-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14935/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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November 6, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 6, 1841,, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841, + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>NOVEMBER 6, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page193" name="page193"></a>[pg +193]</span> +<h2>A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE’S.</h2> +<p>The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my +being ended in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin +the world, and do something for myself. The only difficult problem +left for them to solve was, in what way I had better commence. One +would have thought the world had nothing in its whole construction +but futile beginnings and most unsatisfactory methods of doing for +one’s self. Scheme after scheme was discussed and discarded; +new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and impossibilities seemed +to overwhelm every succeeding though successless suggestion. At the +critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me either that +I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the authoritative +“rat-tat” of the general postman closed the argument, +and for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my +bewildered parents.</p> +<p>“Good gracious!” “Well, I never!” +“Who’d ha’ thought it?” and various other +disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running +commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly +devoured the contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, +re-wiped his spectacles, and again commenced the former +all-engrossing subject.</p> +<p>“Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. +Here’s a letter from your uncle Ticket.”</p> +<p>I nodded in silence.</p> +<p>“Yes, sir,” continued my father, with increasing +emphasis and peculiar dignity, “Ticket—the great +Ticket—the greatest”—</p> +<p>“Pawnbroker in London,” said I, finishing the +sentence.</p> +<p>“Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?”</p> +<p>“Nothing further; I don’t much like the trade, +but”—</p> +<p>“But he’s your uncle, sir. It’s a glorious +money-making business. He offers to take you as an apprentice. +Nancy, my love, pack up this lad’s things, and start him off +by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom.”</p> +<p>So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly +delivered to Ticket—the great Ticket—my maternal, and +everybody else’s undefinable, uncle. Duly equipped in glazed +calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my place behind the +counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar +<em>penchant</em> for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt +sixpences, and encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving +counterfeit crowns, half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on +the ear, and a positive command to confine myself to the up-stairs, +or “top-of-the-spout department” for the future. Here +my chief duties were to deposit such articles as progressed up that +wooden shaft in their respective places, and by the same means +transmit the “redeemed” to the shop below. This was but +dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness +(for I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently +fell into a foggy sort of mystified somnolency—the partial +prostration of my corporeal powers being amply compensated by the +vague wanderings of indistinct imagination.</p> +<p>In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear +not only imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of +Æsop, blessed with the gift of tongues. Others, though +speechless, would conjure up a vivid train of breathing tableaux, +replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic, half the size of +the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the imprisoned genie +the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the shadowy +vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that +wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely +dogged by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant +tiara opens the vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled +pride of the titled hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The +flash contents of that bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the +felon’s bar; the daring burglar eyeing with confidence the +counsel learned in the law’s defects, fee’d by its +produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride, +Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns +usurp the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed +myself in delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than +ordinary force on one beneath. These were two of my talking +friends. I stirred not, but sat silently to listen to their curious +conversation, which I now proceed to give verbatim.</p> +<p><em>Parcel fallen upon</em>.—“What the d—l are +you?”</p> +<p><em>Parcel that fell</em>.—“That’s my +business.”</p> +<p>“Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don’t +you look where you’re going?”</p> +<p>“How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty +black silk handkerchief?”</p> +<p>“Ain’t there a hole in any of ‘em?”</p> +<p>“No.”</p> +<p>“That’s a pity; but when you’ve been here as +long as I have, the moths will help you a bit.”</p> +<p>“Will they?”</p> +<p>“Certainly.”</p> +<p>“I hope not.”</p> +<p>“Hope if you like; but you’ll find I’m +right.”</p> +<p>“I trust I didn’t hurt you much.”</p> +<p>“Not very. Bless you, I’m pretty well used to +ill-treatment now. You’ve only rubbed the pile of my collar +the wrong way, just as that awkward black rascal would brush +me.”</p> +<p>“Bless me! I think I know your voice.”</p> +<p>“Somehow, I think I know yours.”</p> +<p>“You ain’t Colonel Tomkins, are you?”</p> +<p>“No.”</p> +<p>“Nor Count Castor?”</p> +<p>“No.”</p> +<p>“Then I’m in error.”</p> +<p>“No you’re not. I was the Colonel once; then I +became the Count by way of loan; and then I came here—as he +said by mistake.”</p> +<p>“Why, my dear fellow, I’m delighted to speak to you. +How did you wear?”</p> +<p>“So-so.”</p> +<p>“When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest +Petersham in town. Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, +were superb; and when you were the Colonel, upon my life you were +the sweetest cut thing about the waist and tails I ever walked +with.”</p> +<p>“You flatter me.”</p> +<p>“Upon my honour, no.”</p> +<p>“Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with +chased buttons and silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the +honour of meeting. But I suppose, as you are here, you are not the +Cornet now?”</p> +<p>“Alas! no.”</p> +<p>“May I ask why?”</p> +<p>“Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his +master’s cloth and me at the same time. The villain went to +the Lowther Arcade—took me with him by force. Fancy my agony; +literally accessory to handing ices to milliners’ apprentices +and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced quadrilling it, he +dos-a-dos’d me up against a fat soap-boiler’s wife, in +filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin.”</p> +<p>“Scoundrel!”</p> +<p>“Rascal! But he was discovered—he reeled home drunk. +<em>I</em>, that is, as it’s known, <em>we</em> make the men. +The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him soundly with a three-foot +Crowther.”</p> +<p>“That must have been delightful to your +feelings.”</p> +<p>“Not very.”</p> +<p>“Why not? revenge is sweet.”</p> +<p>“So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take +me off, I got the worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut +about. Two buttons fearfully lacerated—nothing but the shanks +left.”</p> +<p>“How did it end?”</p> +<p>“The valet mentioned something about wages and assault +warrants, so I was given to him to make the matter up. Between you +and I, the Cornet was very hard up.”</p> +<p>“Indeed!”</p> +<p>“Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we +used to walk out with—those he strapped so tight over the +remarkably chatty and pleasant French-polished boots whose broken +English we used to admire so much?”</p> +<p>“Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever +met. They beat the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from +ungentlemanly, only they would always talk with a sham Scotch +accent, and quote the ‘Cotter’s Saturday +Night.’”</p> +<p>“Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our +friends, and the Cornet’s friends, they must have been bad, +for those very greys were seated.”</p> +<p>“Impossible!”</p> +<p>“Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch +for three weeks.”</p> +<p>“How did they bear it?”</p> +<p>“Shockingly. A general break up of the +constitution—went all to pieces. First, decay appeared in the +brace buttons; then the straps got out of order. They did say it +was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots going down on +one side, but the boots would never admit it.”</p> +<p>“How did you get here?”</p> +<p>“I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet +and his Valet’s breakfast! What brought you?”</p> +<p>“The Count’s landlady, for a week’s +rent.”</p> +<p>“What did you fetch?”</p> +<p>“A guinea!”</p> +<p>“Bless me, you must have worn well.”</p> +<p>“No; hold your tongue—I think I shall die with +laughing,—ha! ha!—When they took me in, I returned the +compliment. I’ve been—”</p> +<p>“What?”</p> +<p>“Cuffed and collared!”</p> +<p>“Ha! ha! ha! ha!” shouted both coats; and “Ha! +ha!” shouted I; “And I’ll teach you to ‘ha! +ha!’ and neglect your business” shouted the Governor; +and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion +of my “Day-dream at my Uncle’s.”</p> +<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“BLOW GENTLE BREEZE.”</h3> +<p>The Reverend Henry <em>Snow</em>, M.A., has been inducted by the +Bishop of Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum +<em>Windrush</em>.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>From Glo’ster <em>see</em>, a <em>windrush</em> came, and +lo!</p> +<p>On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted <em>Snow</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page194" name="page194"></a>[pg +194]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3> +<h4>SHOWS WHAT’S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT’S IN A +NAME.</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/017-01.png"><img src= +"images/017-01.png" alt="A sad man's face encircled by a letter U." +id="img017-01" name="img017-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">U</span>ndoubtedly on the following day 24 +Pleasant-terrace was the most uncomfortable place in the universe. +Some one has said that wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to +be far off; and the truth of the allegory is never better +exemplified than on the day after “a most delightful +party.” We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a +victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at +a very considerable expenditure of <em>matériel</em>. Let us +accompany the mistress of the house as she proceeds from room to +room, to ascertain the damage done by the enemy upon the furniture +and decorations. A light damask curtain is found to have been +saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has been doing duty +as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china shepherdess, +having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a +raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the +short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has +perversely fallen the only way in which it could have done any +damage, and has thrown the quicksilver on the back of a large +looking-glass into an alarming state of eruption. The return of +“cracked and broken” presents a fearful list of +smashage and fracture: <em>the best</em> tea-set is rendered unfit +for active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a +milk-jug; the green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully +reduced in numbers; two fiddle-handle spoons are completely +<em>hors de combat</em>, having been placed under the legs of the +supper-table to keep it steady; seven straw-stemmed wine-glasses +awfully shattered during the “three-times-three” +discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of Applebites; four +cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of +“entusymusy” by four young gentlemen who were +accidentally left by themselves in the supper-room; eighteen +silver-plated dessert-knives reduced to the character of saws, by a +similar number of “nice fellows” who were endeavouring +to do the agreeable with the champagne, and consequently could +distinguish no difference between wire and grape-stalks. The +destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the extra waiter +had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat down +rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his +lap, the result of which was, according to the following</p> +<h4>OFFICIAL RETURN,</h4> +<table summary="official return" style="width:80%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td>Two decanters</td> +<td>starred;</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>One salt-cellar</td> +<td>smithereened;</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Four tumblers</td> +<td>cracked uncommonly;</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>An extra waiter</td> +<td>many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the +street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical +wind is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were +consequent upon the Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a +series of catarrhs enter the house as the rout-stools made their +exit. He was quite right; for the next fortnight neck-of-mutton +broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied by tea, gruel, and +toast-and-water.</p> +<p>There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary +imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the +propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been +called “the cherub,” “the sweet one,” +“the mother’s duck of the world,” and +“daddy’s darling.” Several names had been +suggested by the several friends and relatives of the family, but +nothing decisive had been agreed to.</p> +<p>Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his +grandfather, the member for Puddingbury, “in the hope,” +as he expressed himself, “that he might in after years be +stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents and virtues of his +great ancestor.” (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs. +Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, +except in the case of the member for Puddingbury.)</p> +<p>Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened +Roger de Dickey, after her mother’s great progenitor, who was +said to have come over with William the Conqueror, but whether in +the capacity of a lacquey or a lord-in-waiting was never, and +perhaps never will be, determined. (Opposed by Agamemnon, on the +ground that ill-natured people would be sure to dispense with the +De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey. In this +opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)</p> +<p>The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he +should be called—</p> +<p>ALBERT (we give her own reasons)—because the Queen’s +husband was so named.</p> +<p>AGAMEMNON—because of the alliteration and his papa.</p> +<p>DAVIS—because an old maiden lady who was independent had +said that she thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was +Davis.</p> +<p>MONTAGUE—because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one +she intended to address him by in general conversation.</p> +<p>COLLUMPSION—as her papa.</p> +<p>PHIPPS—because she had had a dream in which a number of +bags or gold were marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and</p> +<p>APPLEBITE—as a matter of course.</p> +<p>(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for—nothing in particular, +and by Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to +employ a lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in +that way alone.)</p> +<p>Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and +at length it was agreed that the names should be written upon +strips of paper and drawn by the nominees. The necessary +arrangements being completed, the three proceeded to the +ballot.</p> +<table summary="names drawn" style="width:80%; margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td>Mrs. Waddledot</td> +<td>drew</td> +<td>Isaac.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Agamemnon</td> +<td>drew</td> +<td>Roger de Dickey.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Mrs. Applebite</td> +<td>drew</td> +<td>Phipps.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a +“stern virtue” everybody kept it to themselves, and the +heir was accordingly christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps +Applebite.</p> +<p>Old John soon realised Agamemnon’s fears of Mrs. +Waddledot’s selection, for, whether the patronym of the +Norman invader was more in accordance with his own ideas of +propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his mind of the infant +heir, he was continually speaking of little master Dicky; and upon +being remonstrated with upon the subject promised amendment for the +future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled the Phipps, +the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always contriving +most perversely to</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-02.png"><img src= +"images/017-02.png" alt="A cart with a horse hooked up behind it." +id="img017-02" name="img017-02" width="70%" /></a> +<p>“PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.”</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A SCANDALOUS REPORT.</h3> +<p>We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that +Colonel Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It +is true that a deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take +the chair on the 5th of November, but the gallant Colonel modestly +declined, much to the disappointment of the young gentlemen who +presented the requisition; so much so indeed, that, after +exhausting their oratorical powers, they slightly hinted at having +recourse to</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-03.png"><img src= +"images/017-03.png" alt="A woman threatens a boy with a switch." +id="img017-03" name="img017-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>PHYSICAL FORCE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>“ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL.”</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills,</p> +<p>Should have a <em>taste</em> for gorging,</p> +<p>For since the work the pocket fills,</p> +<p>What <em>Smith</em>’s averse to <em>forging</em>?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" name="page195"></a>[pg +195]</span> +<h2>THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.</h2> +<p>This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement +which prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that +occurred, and to which we beg leave to call the public +attention.</p> +<p>In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the +property, precautions were taken to shut out every one from the +building; and as military rule knows of no exception, the orders +given were executed to the letter by preventing the ingress of the +firemen with their engines until the general order of exclusion was +followed by a countermand. This of course took time, leaving the +fire to devour at its leisure the enormous meal that fate had +prepared for it.</p> +<p>After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of +no water where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where +there was no possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose +could be got into were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most +provoking way almost overflowing its banks in the very +neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if the pipes were laid on to +the water, they were laid off too far from the building to have the +least effect upon it.</p> +<p>The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that +suggested itself to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to +saving the jewels, which were not in the smallest danger, and even +if they had been, there was nobody knew how to get at them, the key +being some miles off in the possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It +might as well have been at the bottom of the Thames; and, of +course, everybody began tugging at the iron bars, which were at +length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of time and +trouble, removed <em>to a place of safety</em> from <em>a position +of the most perfect security!!</em> However, this showed activity +if nothing else, and of course made the subject of paragraphs about +“presence of mind,” “indefatigable +exertions,” and “superhuman efforts” on the part +of certain persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as +well have been carrying the piece of artillery in St. James’s +Park into the enclosure opposite.</p> +<p>While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, +where they were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, +it never occurred to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which +were being quietly consumed, while the crown and regalia were being +jolted about with the most injurious activity.</p> +<p>The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point +of this melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, +on applying at head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered +by a blow from a musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on +the part of the privates of the line to a person who is also</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-04.png"><img src= +"images/017-04.png" alt= +"A fish says 'I say old fellow if you want me just drop me a line,' to which a fisherman replies 'Yes I will with a hook.'" +id="img017-04" name="img017-04" width="90%" /></a> +<p>ATTACHED TO THE LINE.</p> +</div> +<p>—the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true <em>gusto</em> +for accidents, and a relish for calamities, which nothing could +subdue, he still pressed forward, with blood streaming from his +fractured skull, for additional particulars. The American reporter +whose hand was blown off, and had the good fortune to be upon the +spot, is not to be compared with the hero who had the exclusive +advantage of being able to supply practical information of the +ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery.</p> +<p>It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as +no one lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable +that every effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. +There is no doubt that the ladder was strenuously directed towards +the clock tower, with the view, probably, of saving the +“jolly cock” who used to adorn the top of it.</p> +<p>The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that +during the whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to +vary with the wind. The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected +that the awful solemnity of the scene would have rendered any man, +not entirely lost to every sense of feeling, completely motionless. +The apathy of the weathercock that went on whirling about as if +nothing had happened, is in the highest degree disgusting, and we +can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling animal.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.</h3> +<p>November, that month of fires, fogs, <em>felo de ses</em>, and +Fawkes, has been ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and +at various other parts of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of +Parliament been passed for the suppression of +bonfires—November asserts her rights, and will have her +modicum of “flare up” in spite of the law; but with the +trickery of an Old Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon +October. Nor is this all! Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has +already hatched several conspiracies, as though everybody now +thought of getting rid of others or themselves.</p> +<p>The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known +as the Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been +favoured with a communication which being considerably beyond his +own comprehension, he has in a laudable spirit submitted it to +Punch—an evidence of wisdom which we really did not expect +from our friend Baron Jamescrow.</p> +<p>We subjoin the introductory epistle—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR PUNCH,—I hasten to forward you the awful letter +enclosed—we are all abroad here concerning it—by the +bye, how are you all at home—to say the least, it certainly +does look very ugly. Mrs. P., I hope, has improved in appearance. +Something terrible is evidently about to happen. I intend to pay +you a visit shortly. I trust we may not have to encounter any more +Guys—you may expect to see me on my Friday. I can only add my +prayers for the nation’s safety and my compliments to Mrs. +Punch and the young P.s.</p> +<p class="rgt">Yours ever,<br /> +MONTEAGLE.</p> +<p>P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I +have made a few notes, and paid the postage.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The following is the letter referred to by the Baron +Jamescrow:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>MY LORD,—Being known to some of your friends I would +advise you, as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some +excuse to shift off your attendance at your house (clearly the +House of Lords—<em>Monteagle</em>), for fire and brimstone +have united to destroy the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, +lucifer-matches, and the Peers—<em>Monteagle</em>). Think not +lightly of my advertisement (see <em>Dispatch</em>), but retire +yourself in the country (I should think I +would—<em>Monteagle</em>), where you may abide in safety; for +though there be no appearance of any <em>punæ</em>; (what the +deuce does this mean? Puny’s +little—<em>Monteagle</em>), yet they will receive a terrible +blow-up (By punæ he means members of Parliament, and he +<em>is</em> another Guy!—<em>Monteagle</em>); yet they shall +not see who hurts them, though the place shall be purified and the +enemy completely destroyed.</p> +<p class="rgt">I am, your Lordship’s servant,<br /> +and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of +Parliament.<br /> +T.I.F. Fin.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a +matter evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires +neither a Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a +letter from Tiffin, the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to +his peculiar plan of persecuting the <em>punæ</em>.</p> +<p>We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the +re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not +speak upon conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the +delinquent.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-05.png"><img src= +"images/017-05.png" alt="A caricature with a downcast head." id= +"img017-05" name="img017-05" width="30%" /></a> +<p>THE MODERN GUY VAUX.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a>[pg +196]</span> +<h2>THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.</h2> +<p>Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our +present article, we are about to prescribe for you any political +draught. No! be assured that we know as little about politics as +pyrotechny—that we are as blissfully ignorant of all that +relates to the science of government as that of +gastronomy—and have ever since our boyhood preferred the +solid consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of +parliament. The candidates of whom we write were no would-be +senators—no sprouting Ciceros or embryo +Demosthenes’—they were no aspirants for the grand +honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones +of some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, +the enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed +one—they were not ambitious of the proud privilege of +appending for seven years two letters to their names, and of +franking some half-dozen others <em>per diem</em>. No! the rivals +who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining +no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in +the affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages +of the unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,—they +neither desired to be returned as the representative of so many +sordid voters for the term of seven years (a term of transportation +common alike to M.P.s and pickpockets), but for the more permanent +honour of being elected as the partner of a certain lady for +life.</p> +<p>Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above +candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the +innocent cause of contention could not be found within the whole +catalogue of those dear destructive little creatures who, from Eve +downwards, have always possessed a peculiar patent for +mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome as she was rich. She +was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty, and—what +ought to be written in letters of gold—an heiress. She had +the figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was +lovely and animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her +fortune ample enough to captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear +rent-roll of 20,000<em>l</em>. per annum,—and a pair of eyes +that, independent of her other attractions, were sufficiently +fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.</p> +<p>Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of +producing a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses +of the great attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had +for its many eager pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with +us that the metal possessing the greatest possible power of +magnetism is decidedly—gold. Innumerable were the butterflies +that were drawn towards the lustre of the lovely Georgiana’s +money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon his personal +qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to persuade +its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be made +of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously +declared that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye +upon the addresses of all save two.</p> +<p>Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two +such young men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon +publishing their persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They +did credit to their tailors, who were liberal enough to give them +credit in return. Their coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their +gloves immaculate in their chastity, and their boots resplendent in +their brilliancy. Indeed they were human annuals—splendidly +bound, handsomely embellished—but replete with nothing but +fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till such time as +they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never known to +indulge in an Havannah till twelve o’clock P.M. They were +scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and +had no objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links +were made of gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of +gentlemen who lounge through life, and leave nothing behind them +but a tombstone and a small six-shilling advertisement amongst the +Deaths of some morning newspaper as a record of their having +existed.</p> +<p>Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to +whom report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of +the fair Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be +thus singled out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of +there being a rival in the field to dispute the glories of the +conquest materially detracted from that feeling. They had each +heard of the pretensions of the other; and while the peace of the +one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics of Mr. P., the +harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the eulogies +of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow +them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in +taste as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still +it was but natural that they should neither look upon the other +with any other feeling than that of disgust at the egregious +impudence, and contempt for the superlative conceit, that could +lead any other man to enter the lists as an opponent to themselves. +Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express his desire to lengthen +the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had frequently been +known to declare that nothing would confer greater gratification +upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P. In +fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. +Fortunately, however, circumstances had never brought them into +collision.</p> +<p>It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning +to town. Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its +waters, to participate in the thickening gaieties of the +metropolis. Augustus Peacock had abandoned the moors of Scotland +for the beauties of Almack’s; and Julius Candy had hastened +from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of Taglioni and the +Opera.</p> +<p>The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten +and pay his devoirs to <em>his</em> intended. With this intent he +proceeded to the mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the +drawing-room, with the assurance that the lady would be with him +immediately. The servant, however, had no sooner quitted the +apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a similar motive, knocked at +the door, and was speedily conducted into the presence of his +rival.</p> +<p>The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the +other, bowed with all the formality usual to a first +introduction.</p> +<p>“Fine day, sir,” said Augustus Peacock, after a +short pause, little aware that he was holding communion with his +rival.</p> +<p>“It is—very fine, sir,” returned Julius Candy +with a smile, which, had he been conscious of the person he was +addressing, would instantly have been converted into a most +contemptuous sneer.</p> +<p>“Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since +her return from Harrowgate?” inquired Augustus, with the soft +civility of a man of fashion.</p> +<p>“No,—I have not yet had that honour, sir; +no,”—replied Julius, with a slight inclination of his +body.</p> +<p>“Charming girl, sir,” remarked Mr. Peacock.</p> +<p>“Fascinating creature,” responded Mr. Candy.</p> +<p>“Did you ever see <em>such</em> eyes, sir?” +continued Mr. P.</p> +<p>“Never! ’pon my honour! +never!”—exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate +enthusiasm. “You may call <em>them</em> eyes, sir,” and +here he elevated his own.</p> +<p>“And what lips?”</p> +<p>“Positively provoking!”</p> +<p>“Ah, sir!” languishingly remarked Augustus, +“he will be a happy may who gets possession of such a +treasure!”</p> +<p>“He will, indeed, sir,” returned his unknown rival, +with an air of self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness +was likely to be his own.</p> +<p>“You are aware, I suppose, sir,” proceeded the +communicative Mr. Peacock, “that there is a certain party +whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular favour”—and +the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark, slightly +elevated his cravat.</p> +<p>“I should think I ought to be”—pointedly +returned Mr. C.—simpering somewhat diffidently at the idea +that the observation was levelled at himself.</p> +<p>The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.</p> +<p>“Ah! yes—I dare say—observed it, no +doubt!” said Augustus, when his emotion had subsided.</p> +<p>“Why, yes—I should have been blind indeed could I +have failed to remark it,” responded Julius.</p> +<p>“Ah yes—you’re right—yes—Miss +Gray’s attentions have been particularly marked, +certainly—yes.”</p> +<p>“They have been, sir, very, <em>very</em> +marked—she’s quite taken, poor thing, I +believe!”</p> +<p>“Yes, poor creature!—sadly smitten indeed!—The +lady has confessed as much to you perhaps, sir?”</p> +<p>Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and +replied “Why really, sir, that is a question +which”—</p> +<p>“Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong—yes, I ought to +have considered—but candidly, sir, what do you think of the +match?”</p> +<p>“’Pon my honour, my dear sir,” exclaimed +Julius most feelingly, colouring slightly at the question, which he +thought was rather home-thrust.</p> +<p>“Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, +considering, you know, that one is in the presence of the party +himself, is it not?”</p> +<p>“Very, <em>very</em> delicate, I can assure you,” +said Julius, who, “laying the flattering unction to his +soul” that he was the party alluded to, thought it rather an +indelicate one.</p> +<p>Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could +not refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, +enquired significantly, “whether he did not think he was a +happy man?”</p> +<p>Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the +excitement of his unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman +certainly did seem of a peculiarly gay disposition; and the two +rivals, each delighted with the fancied approval of his suit by the +other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.</p> +<p>“I suppose,” after a slight pause remarked Augustus, +with apparently perfect indifference, “you are aware that +there was a rival in the field?”</p> +<p>“Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow,” responded Julius, +with equal <em>insouciance</em>, “but the idea of any other +man carrying off the prize, perfectly ridiculous!”</p> +<p>“Oh! absolutely ludicrous, ’pon my soul! Ha! ha! +ha!”</p> +<p>“It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some +people!”</p> +<p>“And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half +an eye might see the folly of such presumption.”</p> +<p>“To be sure, stupid dolt!”</p> +<p>“Impudent puppy!”</p> +<p>“Conceited fool!”</p> +<p>“The fellow must be out of his senses!”</p> +<p>“Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him +to!”</p> +<p>“Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!”</p> +<p>The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be +supposed from their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a +feeling of mutual satisfaction and friendship, which, after a +volley of anathemas had been fired by each gentleman against his +rival, in absolute unconsciousness of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page197" name="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span>his presence, +ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his chair, +and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.</p> +<p>“Really, my dear sir,” exclaimed Augustus in an +inordinate fit of enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his +companion, “I never met with a gentleman so peculiarly to my +fancy as yourself.”</p> +<p>“The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear +sir,” returned Julius, equally delighted with the imagined +friendship of Mr. P.</p> +<p>“I trust that our acquaintance will not end +here.”</p> +<p>“I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure +you.”</p> +<p>“Will you allow me to present you with a card?”</p> +<p>“I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my +own!” and so saying, the parties searched for their +cases—Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting his gratification +“to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly +coincided with his own,”—and Mr. C. as emphatically +declaring “that he should ever consider this the most +fortunate occurrence of his life.”</p> +<p>“Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any +time,” observed Mr. Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed +the small oblong of cardboard which bore his name and address in +the hand of his companion.</p> +<p>“I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call +at your earliest convenience,” said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, +while he presented to his fancied friend the little pasteboard +parallelogram inscribed with his title and residence.</p> +<p>The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed +to the cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles +which had previously gladdened their countenances were +instantaneously changed into expressions of the most indignant +scorn and surprise.</p> +<p>“Peacock!” shouted Candy.</p> +<p>“Candy!” vociferated Peacock.</p> +<p>“Sir!” exclaimed the furious Mr. P., “had I +known that Candy was the name of the man, sir, whom I was +addressing, sir, my conduct you would have found, sir, of a very +different character!”</p> +<p>“And had I been aware,” retorted the exasperated Mr. +C., “that Peacock was the title of the <em>fellow</em>” +(and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis upon the word) +“with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have +been delivered to him but with a different motive.”</p> +<p>“Fellow, sir! I think you said—<em>Fellow</em>, +sir!”</p> +<p>“I did, sir,—fellow was the word I used, and I +repeat it—fellow—fellow!”</p> +<p>“You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with +the addition of fool, sir!”</p> +<p>“Fool!—no, no—not quite a fool—only +<em>near</em> one, sir!”</p> +<p>“You’re a conceited puppy, sir!”</p> +<p>“And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!”</p> +<p>This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their +canes with more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, +indicated a fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed +Majesty, when the fair cause of their contention suddenly entered +the apartment.</p> +<p>It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for +Georgiana to divine the reason of their animosity; which she +effectually allayed by informing the angry disputants, “that +either had no reason to look upon the other with any degree of +jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure them that her affections +were devoted to—<em>neither</em>.”</p> +<p>This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party +seized his hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and +left the house, vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon +cool reflection, Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable +not to endanger the small quantum of brains they individually +possessed, by fighting for a lady who was so utterly blind to their +manifold merits.</p> +<p>Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SIR FRANCIS BURDETT’S VISIT TO THE TOWER.</h3> +<p>On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir +Francis Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, +which must have suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost +popularity and faded glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls +received him like a second Hampden, the undaunted defender of his +country’s rights;—on last Monday he entered them a +broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and +smouldering ruins before him—he perhaps compared them to his +own patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-06.png"><img src= +"images/017-06.png" alt="A man brushes his thinning hair." id= +"img017-06" name="img017-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>REFORM YOUR LAWYERS’ BILLS.</h3> +<p>It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far +conduces to the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden +system of living within one’s income. Luxuries cease to be so +if after-reflection produces vexatious results; comfort flies +before an exorbitant and unprepared-for demand; and the debtor +dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into something worse than a +cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the <em>one</em> standing +before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances. +The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from +well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year +renders pines cheap at 1<em>l</em>. 11<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>. per +pound; ten hundred is better exemplified by Ribston pippins!</p> +<p>So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become +extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion. +Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure +are merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian +aristocrats cull sweets from the blackened eyes of +policemen—raptures from wrenched-off knockers—merriment +in contusions—and frantic delight in fractured limbs! These +innocent amusements have in their prosecution plunged many of their +thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into pecuniary difficulties, +simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant upon such +exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.</p> +<p>Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail +classes, Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer +their professional services at the following fixed and equitable +rate,—they, Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no +occasion shall the charge exceed the sum opposite the particular +amusement in the following list.</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="cen">N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of +imprisonment.</p> +<p class="cen">☞ N.B. For prompt payment only.</p> +<p>Messrs. Q. and Q.’s <em>card</em> of charges for defending +a Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman, +Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical +Student, Grecian at Christ’s Church, Monitor, or any other +miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy, +from the following prosecutions:—</p> +<table summary="rate card part 1"> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:right;"><em>£</em></td> +<td style="text-align:right;"><em>s.</em></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To breaking a +policeman’s neck</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">50</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To producing +witnesses to swear policeman broke same himself</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To choice of +situation of house in street where done, from roof of which +policeman fell; fee to landlord for number and affidavit</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, +and perjury</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;"> +£70</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">10</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For do. leg, ribs, +arms, head, nose, or other unimportant member</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">15</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For receipt written +by wife of handsome provision</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">1</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For writing and +indorsing same</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">5</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">5</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">Extras for alibis, +if necessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent, +including loss by their absconding with the name</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;"> +£31</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">15</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For knockers by +gross in populous neighbourhoods</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">20</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For carpenter +proving same never fitted their respective doors there engaged</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">3</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">3</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">All extras +included</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">1</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">1</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;"> +£24</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">4</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<p>N.B.—Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above +charges are low, the old iron may as well be left at their +offices.</p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For railings, per +knob or dozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to +fracture</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">5</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">5</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For suppressing +police reports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the +word gentleman substituted for prisoner, and “seat on the +bench” for “place at the bar”</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;"> +£15</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">15</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low +charges.</p> +<p>Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a +handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>“WHEN VULCAN FORGED,” &c.</h3> +<p>“Bless my soul!” said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into +the Justice-room the morning the Exchequer Bill affair was +discovered, and seizing Hobler by the button; “This is a +dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who the delinquent +is?” “Why really, Sir Peter, ’tis difficult to +say; but from an inspection of the <em>forged</em> instruments I +should say it was <em>Smith’s work</em>.” Sir Peter +felt the importance of the suggestion, and rushed off to Sir Robert +Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges in the +kingdom.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page198" name="page198"></a>[pg +198]</span> +<h2>PEEL’S PRE-EXISTENCE!</h2> +<p>“Every man is not only himself,” says Sir THOMAS +BROWNE; “there hath been many Diogenes, and as many Timons, +though but few of that name. <em>Men are lived over again</em>. The +world is now as it was in ages past: there was none then but there +hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it were, +<em>his revived self</em>.” We are devout believers in the +creed.</p> +<p>HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first +class. He had taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, +and was gifted with as fine a hand to force a card—with as +glib a tongue to harangue a mob at wakes and fairs, as any +professor since the birth of the fourth grace of +life,—swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his +list of miraculous cures—of his balsams, his anodynes, his +elixirs; in the benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate +the pockets of the poor, sell a pennyworth of the +philosopher’s stone; and, as a further illustration of his +sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a kreutzer, a +mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his +Sagacity was inconceivable. A hundred years ago, he told to a +fraction the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at +the specimen sent him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty +years predicted who would be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, +from an inspection of a pint of water presented to him every season +from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy all the politics of the Court +of Aldermen from a phial filled at Fleet-ditch; and could at any +time—no trifling task—tell the amount of corruption in +the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at +Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England—for the +honour he has done our country has never been generally +known—he calculated to a nicety how many puppies and kittens +were annually drowned in the Thames, and how many +suicides—particularising the sex and dress of each +sufferer—were committed in the same period, from a bottlefull +of Thames water brought to him wherewith to dilute his brandy at +the Ship public house, Greenwich—a hostelry much frequented +by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the calculation very +beautifully illuminated on ass’s skin, and at this moment +deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known +that the Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, +that after a nap of a score or so of years he would return to this +life in an entirely new character. The Doctor has kept his word. +HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir THOMAS BROWNE says, is “lived +over again” in Sir ROBERT PEEL!</p> +<p>It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir +ROBERT—for though, indeed, he is no other than the old German +quack revived, we will not refuse to him his new name—toward +the sufferers of Paisley, without feeling that the fine spirit of +finesse which made the reputation of the student of the Black +Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep; but, on the +contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The +Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately, +playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches’ pocket +with a spasm of benevolence, and pulled therefrom—fifty +pounds! Only a few weeks before, Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his +list of former cures, that he would clothe the naked and feed the +hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid for such +Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues +Parliament to the tune of “Go to the devil and shake +yourself,” and sits down in the easy chair of salary, and +tries to think! Disturbed in his contemplations by the groans and +screams of the famishing, he addresses the starving multitude from +the windows of Downing-street, telling them he can do nothing for +them in a large way, but—the fee he has received to cure them +can afford as much—graciously throwing them fifty pounds from +his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has +no objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society.</p> +<p>It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame +he accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very +best fiddle. We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the +part of NERO; there was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of +nerve, in such instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher +respect for NERO than if he had been found playing on the burning +Pantheon with a penny squirt. His mockery of the Romans, bad as it +was, was not the mockery of compassion.</p> +<p>“I will make bread cheap for you,” says Sir ROBERT +PEEL to the Paisley sufferers; “I will not enable you to buy +the quartern loaf at a reduced rate by your own industry, but I +will treat you to a penny roll, at its present size, from my own +purse.” Whereupon the Tories clap their hands and cry, +“What magnanimity!”</p> +<p>What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of +London, the Minister were to issue an order commanding all the +fire-offices to make no attempt to extinguish the flames, and were +then to exclaim to the sufferers, “My friends, I deeply +sympathize with you; but the Phœnix shall not budge, the +Hand-in-Hand mustn’t move a finger, the Eagle must stay where +it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of my +own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and +pray heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make +you snug and comfortable.”</p> +<p>Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people +suspect; nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid +before their eyes, they would be willing to admit. We have no space +for its voluminous history; but it is our belief, since quackery +first plied its profitable trade with human incredulity, it never +perpetrated so successful a trick as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT +PEEL in his motion of want of confidence. The first scene of the +farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT has snatched the +cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how he will +play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is +already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, +with their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the +distresses of the people. “When the geese gaggle,” says +a rustic saw, “expect a change of weather.” Lord +LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of the +Corn-laws.</p> +<p>“Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?” +says Lord LONDONDERRY. These are new words for the old harridan +Toryism. She was wont, like <em>Falstaff</em>, to blow out her +cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is, Toryism has a new +host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by fictitious +credit—by seeming prosperity—and, more than all, by the +ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a +long date we grant) have now to be paid—paper is to be turned +into Bank gold. Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the +taxman’s ink horn at his button-hole, gives at every door +lessons that sink into the heart of the scholar. Public opinion, +which, in the good old days “when George the Third was +king,” was little more than an abstraction—a thing +talked of, not acknowledged—is now a tangible presence. The +said public opinion is now formed of hundreds of thousands whose +existence, save in the books of the Exchequer, was scarcely +admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT PEEL has now to give +in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of Birmingham, of +Leeds—he must pass his books with them, and tens of thousands +of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three +months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought.</p> +<p>At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he +can best lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the +case. At this moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the +addition of which will not crack the camel’s back. No; Sir +ROBERT will come to the Whig measures of relief, having so +disguised them as, like <em>Plagiary’s</em> metaphors, to +make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, +however, attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the +genius of his former existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has +shuffled himself into Downing-street; and there he will leave +nothing untried that he may remain. “If Cato gets drunk, then +is drunkenness no shame”—“If Sir ROBERT PEEL +alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be +changed.” This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we +shall see men, who before would have vowed themselves to slow +starvation before they would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or +Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale or no scale at all, as their places +and the strength of their party may be best assured.</p> +<p>Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat +fire and swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT +PEEL will eat his own principles—swallow his own words. When +men call this apostacy, the Doctor will blandly smile, and +denominate it a sacrifice to public opinion. We have no doubt that, +as long as he can, the Premier will put off the remedy; he will try +this and that; but at length public opinion will compel him to cast +aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL’S—<em>bread +pills</em>!</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If it be true man’s tongue is like a steed,</p> +<p>Which bears his mind,—why then, none wonder need,</p> +<p>That Timlin’s tongue can run at such a rate,</p> +<p>Because it only carries—feather weight.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud</p> +<p>Fills with amazement all the list’ning crowd;</p> +<p>But soon the wonder ceases, when ’tis found</p> +<p>That empty vessels make the greatest sound.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XVII.</h2> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a>[pg +199]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-07.png"><img src= +"images/017-07.png" alt= +"A man gives a paper marked '£200,000' to a man behind a desk marked 'Treasury'" +id="img017-07" name="img017-07" width="100%" /></a> +<p>SIR ROBERT MACAIRE</p> +<p>ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 200] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page201" name="page201"></a>[pg +201]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>6.—OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/017-08.png"><img src= +"images/017-08.png" alt= +"Two people kiss through a frame in the shape of the letter O." id= +"img017-08" name="img017-08" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">O</span>ne fine morning, in the October of +the third winter session, the student is suddenly struck by the +recollection that at the end of the course the time will arrive for +him to be thinking about undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and +College. Making up his mind, therefore, to begin studying in +earnest, he becomes a <em>pro tempore</em> member of a temperance +society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer for six +months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and +Steggall’s Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five +guineas to pay a “grinder,” he routs out his old +note-books from the bottom of his box, and commences to “read +for the Hall.”</p> +<p>Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the +value of private cramming—a process by which their brains are +fattened, by abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food +(some of it <em>very</em> dry), like the livers of Strasbourg +geese. There are grinders in each of these three professional +classes; but the medical teacher is the man of the most varied and +eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately acquainted with the +different branches required to be studied, but he is also master of +all their minutiæ. In accordance with the taste of the +examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of +heat water boils in a balloon—how the article of commerce, +<em>Prussian blue</em>, is more easily and correctly defined as the +<em>Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of potassium</em>—why +the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make such +asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual +inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from +“Who discovered the use of the spleen?” to “Who +killed cock robin?” for aught we know. They ask questions at +the Hall quite as vague as these.</p> +<p>It is twelve o’clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented +by shelves of bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of +medical plants and cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a +number of young men are seated round a long table covered with +baize, in the centre of whom an intellectual-looking man, whose +well-developed forehead shows the amount of knowledge it can +contain, is interrogating by turns each of the students, and +endeavouring to impress the points in question on their memories by +various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he passes +his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched +upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a +pretty correct idea of the general run of the “Hall +questions.”</p> +<p>“Now, Mr. Muff,” says the gentleman to one of his +class, handing him a bottle of something which appears like +specimens of a chestnut colt’s coat after he had been +clipped; “what’s that, sir?”</p> +<p>“That’s cow-itch, sir,” replies Mr. Muff.</p> +<p>“Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical +name—<em>dolichos pruriens</em>. What is it used +for?”</p> +<p>“To strew in people’s beds that you owe a grudge +to,” replies Muff; whereat all the class laugh, except the +last comer, who takes it all for granted, and makes a note of the +circumstance in his interleaved manual.</p> +<p>“That answer would floor you,” continues the +grinder. “The <em>dolichos</em> is used to destroy worms. How +does it act, Mr. Jones?” going on to the next pupil—a +man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very +like a butler out of place.</p> +<p>“It tickles them to death, sir,” answers Mr. +Jones.</p> +<p>“You would say it acts mechanically,” observes the +grinder. “The fine points stick into the worms and kill them. +They say, ‘Is this a dagger which I see before me?’ and +then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones, when you go up. Mr. +Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if you wanted to +throw a person into a perspiration?”</p> +<p>Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an +abrupt manner, a song he was humming, <em>sotto voce</em>, having +some allusion to a peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having +passed a night at a house of public entertainment in the Old Bailey +previous to an execution. He then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at +the other pupils as much as to say, “See me tackle him, +now;” and replies, “The gallery door of Covent Garden +on Boxing-night.”</p> +<p>“Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug,” +continues the teacher; “what else is likely to answer the +purpose?”</p> +<p>“I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place +knockers on your arm, and three policemen on your heels, might have +a good effect,” answers Mr. Manhug.</p> +<p>“Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at +this rate?” observes the teacher, in a tone of mild +reproach.</p> +<p>“Not a doubt of it, sir,” returns the imperturbable +Manhug. “I’ve passed it twenty times within this last +month, and did not find any very great difficulty about it; neither +do I expect to, unless they block up Union-street and +Water-lane.”</p> +<p>The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on +to the next. “Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you +the composition of the <em>compound gamboge pill</em>: what is it +made of?”</p> +<p>Mr. Rapp hasn’t the least idea.</p> +<p>“Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, +ginger, and soap—C, A, G, S,—<em>cags</em>. Recollect +Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were sent for to a person +poisoned by oxalic acid?”</p> +<p>“Give him some chalk,” returns Mr. Rapp.</p> +<p>“But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you +substitute?”</p> +<p>“Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds.”</p> +<p>“Yes, that’s all very right; but we will presume you +could not get any pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was +nothing in the house. What would you do then?”</p> +<p>Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the +table—“Let him die and be ——!”</p> +<p>“Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more +steady,” interrupts the professor. “You would scrape +the ceiling with the fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains +lime, and lime is an antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They +like you to say you would scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they +think it shows a ready invention in emergency. Mr. Newcome, you +have heard the last question and answer?”</p> +<p>“Yes sir,” says the fresh arrival, as he finishes +making a note of it.</p> +<p>“Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. +What would be your first endeavour?”</p> +<p>“To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel,” mildly +observes Mr. Newcome; whereupon the class indulges in a hearty +laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as deep as the red bull’s-eye +of a New-road doctor’s lamp.</p> +<p>“What would <em>you</em> do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can +inform Mr. Newcome.”</p> +<p>“Cut him down, sir,” answers the indomitable +<em>farceur</em>.</p> +<p>“Well, well,” continues the teacher; “but we +will presume he has been cut down. What would you strive to do +next?”</p> +<p>“Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a +<em>post mortem</em> examination.”</p> +<p>“We have had no chemistry this morning,” observes +one of the pupils.</p> +<p>“Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. +How would you endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any +body?”</p> +<p>“By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir,” +interrupts Mr. Manhug.</p> +<p>“If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug,” observes +Mr. Jones, “he’d be sure to lend it—oh, +yes!—I should rayther think so, certainly,” whereupon +Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right hand, +and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an +imaginary one handed flageolet.</p> +<p>“Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a +compound body?”</p> +<p>Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance.</p> +<p>“A compound body is composed of two or more +elements,” says the grinder, “in various proportions. +Give me an example, Mr. Jones.”</p> +<p>“Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two +elements, ale and porter, the proportion of the porter increasing +in an inverse ratio to the respectability of the public-house you +get it from,” replies Mr. Jones.</p> +<p>The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopœia, says, +“I see here directions for evaporating certain liquids +‘in a water-bath.’ Mr. Newcome, what is the most +familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted +with?”</p> +<p>“In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and +Drury-lane,” returns Mr. Newcome.</p> +<p>“A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. +Newcome, to keep it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at +the Hall for the most familiar instance, they like you to say a +carpenter’s glue-pot.”</p> +<p>And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name="page202"></a>[pg +202]</span> +<h3>THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN.</h3> +<p class="cen"><em>By the Correspondent of the Observer.</em></p> +<p>The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most +agonising suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if +a Prince of Wales is not born before their period of office +expires, will lose the chance of being created baronets.</p> +<p>According to rumour, the baby—we beg pardon, the scion of +the house of Brunswick—was to have been born—we must +apologise again; we should say was to have been added to the +illustrious stock of the reigning family of Great +Britain—some day last month, and of course the present Lord +Mayors had comfortably made up their minds that they should be +entitled to the dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions +as that which the nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are +at the beginning of November, and no Prince of Wales. We have +reason to know that the Lord Mayor of London has not slept a wink +since Saturday, and his lady has not smiled, according to an +authority on which we are accustomed to rely, since Thursday +fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the present +official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales +is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making +Daniel O’Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be +twins presented to the nation! one on the night of the 8th of +November, the other on the morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate +both parties; but we are not disposed at present to pronounce a +decided opinion on this part of the question. We know that politics +have been carried most indelicately into the very heart of the +Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all parties, that +the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of +political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be +most indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our +dislike to the use of strong language is well known, or at least it +ought to be.</p> +<p>If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a +second edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, +and should think it worth while to publish another impression for +the purpose of stating it.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—No. 10.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You talk of love—I would believe</p> +<p class="i2">Thy words were truth;</p> +<p>Nor deem that thou wouldst e’er deceive</p> +<p class="i2">My artless youth:</p> +<p class="i4">But when we part,</p> +<p class="i4">Within my heart</p> +<p>A small voice whispers low—</p> +<p class="i4">Beware! Beware!</p> +<p class="i4">Fond girl, the snare!</p> +<p>it’s all no go!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You talk of love—yet would betray</p> +<p class="i2">The heart you seek,</p> +<p>And smile upon its slow decay,</p> +<p class="i2">If ’twould not break.</p> +<p class="i4">In vain you swear</p> +<p class="i4">That I am fair,</p> +<p>That heaven is on my lip!</p> +<p class="i4">I know each vow</p> +<p class="i4">Is worthless now;</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-09.png"><img src= +"images/017-09.png" alt= +"A couple embraces; the man points angrily at his lips." id= +"img017-09" name="img017-09" width="70%" /></a> +<p>YOU’VE MISS’D YOUR TIP.</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES.</h3> +<p>“Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in +Chancery will be much better off than formerly”—said +Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate. “Undoubtedly,” +replied the friend, “they may now choose between the +frying-pan and the fire.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>MR. PUNCH,</h3> +<h4>ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS<sup>1</sup><span class= +"sidenote" style="font-weight:normal;">1. Baylis.</span>,</h4> +<h5>BEGS TO INFORM THE</h5> +<h3>HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS AND THE WORLD IN +GENERAL,</h3> +<p>That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th +of November, he <em>had</em> engaged the services of the +following</p> +<h3>EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES.</h3> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for <em>squibs</em>.</p> +<p>MR. ROEBUCK, for <em>flower-pots</em>, containing the beautiful +figure of a <em>genealogical tree</em>.</p> +<p>COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his +<em>own plan</em>; warranted to flare up at starting, and to come +down—<em>a stick</em>.</p> +<p>DANIEL O’CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman +candles,</p> +<p>MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS +BURDETT, for Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to <em>turn +round</em> with great celerity, and to exhibit <em>curious +designs</em>.</p> +<p>LORD MINTO, for <em>Chinese fire</em>, prepared from the recipes +of his gallant relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have +been procured at an immense outlay.—(See next year’s +“Budget.”)</p> +<p>The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police +Force in general, for the supply of <em>crackers</em>.</p> +<p>MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for <em>port</em>-fires.</p> +<p>SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a <em>golden +rain</em>.</p> +<p>*∗* A large supply of these articles always on hand. +Apply at Mr. P.’s Office every Saturday.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR.</h3> +<p>Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when +the tiger broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to +come and witness his performance; by great good luck, he and the +rest of the affrighted spectators effected their escape; but he was +heard vehemently declaring he had been deceived in the most beastly +manner, as he would not have come but that he supposed he was</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-10.png"><img src= +"images/017-10.png" alt= +"A man looks through a window at another man holding a woman on his lap." +id="img017-10" name="img017-10" width="60%" /></a> +<p>LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SHIP NEWS.</h3> +<p>Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, <em>La Gitana</em> (wherry +Z.9), Execution Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing +her, discovered the Master with his wooden leg in the mud, to which +he had made fast the head-line, with his left leg over his right +shoulder, high and dry.</p> +<p>A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop +Walkers, was washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old +ribbon-box, apparently used for a sea-chest, containing wearing +apparel, 1<em>s</em>. 8<em>d</em>. in fourpenny pieces, and sundry +small pieces of paper, with “Dry,” sign of the +“Three Balls,” printed thereon, and endorsed, +“Shawl, 3<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>., 30 remnants of ribbon +7<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3<em>s</em>. +6<em>d</em>.,” &c. &c. The crew supposed to have +abandoned her off the “Swan,” where they were seen in a +state of beer.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h3> +<p>A great <em>fall</em> of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the +Brighton Railway on last Thursday morning; a corresponding +<em>fall</em> in milk took place in London on the following +day.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a>[pg +203]</span> +<h3>SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE—</h3> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-11.png"><img src= +"images/017-11.png" alt= +"A man pushes a barrel marked 'Garden Engine' which is pouring liquid into a nearby woman's mouth." +id="img017-11" name="img017-11" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p>of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty’s +Ministers, in want of an active cad, or light porter; the +advertiser, a young man at present out of place, would be anxious +to make himself generally useful, and is not particular in what +capacity. Respectability not so great an object as a good salary. +Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad’s Arms, +<em>Turn’em Green</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>HARD AND FAST.</h3> +<p>That very slow coach, and would be “faster,” the +licensed to-carry-no-thing-inside “Bernard Cavannah,” +has been recently confined in a room, wherein he has lived upon the +“cameleon’s dish,” eating the +air—“jugged,” we presume. Wakley declares he is +an impostor; but as he has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard +survives, this may be attributed to professional disappointment. +Dr. Elliotson declares, from his own experience, any man can live +upon nothing. The whole medical profession are getting to very high +words; Anglice,—indulging in very low language. The +fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are growing +so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to +witness a beautiful tableau vivant of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-12.png"><img src= +"images/017-12.png" alt= +"A man hits another man with a pail on his head." id="img017-12" +name="img017-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>SURGERE IN ARMIS.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.</h3> +<p>Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning +“native talent” go down on his knees, and, after the +manner of the ancient heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for +having at last sent us a singer who knows her business! One who can +sing as if she had a soul; who can act as if she were not acting, +but existing amidst reality; who is, in short, a performer entirely +new to the British stage; to whom we have not a parallel example to +produce,—a heroine of the lyric drama.</p> +<p>Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide +Kemble. Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set +up with the small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned +singing on the stage; making the public pay for her tuition. On the +contrary, nature has manifestly not been bountiful to her in this +respect. Her voice—the mere organ—may have been in her +earlier years exceeded in quality by many other vocalists. But what +is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower tones forcible; the +middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet and rich +beyond comparison.</p> +<p>But how comes this? How has this moderately-good organ been +brought to such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst +English singers—practice the most constant, study the most +unwearied. Punch will bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that +Miss Kemble has sung <em>more</em> while learning her art, than +many old stagers while professing and practising it.</p> +<p>She seems, then,—as far as one may judge of that kind of +perfection—a perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what +she likes with it, she can sustain a note in any part of the +soprano compass—swell, diminish, and keep it exactly to the +same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can burst forth a +torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions, without +losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in +<em>sotto voce</em>, as distinct as it is thrilling and true +intonation.</p> +<p>Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies +to devote to her acting; which, in <em>Norma</em>, has all the +elements of tragic dignity—all the tenderness of natural +feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble is a mistress of every branch of +her art; and we can now say, what we have so seldom had an +opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses a singer +who is also an actress and musician!</p> +<p>The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or +somebody else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, +they condescended to act—to perform—to pretend to be +what they are meant for! Never was so efficient, so +well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard or seen before on the +English stage. The chorus-master deserves everybody’s, and +has our own, especial commendations.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>NINA SFORZA.</h3> +<p>A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in +exactly the same number of titles—namely, “R. Zouch S. +Troughton, Esquire”—made its appearance for Miss H. +Fancit’s benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket.</p> +<p>The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has +been strictly followed in “Nina Sforza.” <em>Raphael +Doria</em>, the heir-apparent to the dukedom of Genoa, is a man +about town in Venice—is accompanied, on most occasions, by a +faithful friend and a false one—saves the heroine from +drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or +rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, +as usual, loved by the villain—a regular thorough-paced +Mephistopheles of the Surrey or Sadler’s Wells genus. These +ingredients, having been carefully compounded in the first act, +are—quite <em>selon les règles</em>—allowed to +simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in the fifth. +Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively productions +that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy, and +Francklin were Melpomene’s head-cooks.</p> +<p>Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the +hashes of the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, +by giving to the stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as +to bring out his savagery in bolder relief. He is also invested +with an unaccountable influence over the hero, who can on no +account be made to see his bare and open treachery till about the +middle of the fifth act, when the dupe’s eyes must be opened +in time for the catastrophe.</p> +<p>These improvements have been carefully introduced into the +present old new tragedy. <em>Ugone Spinola</em> is the presiding +genius of <em>Doria’s</em> woes: and dogs him about for the +pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished epicure in +revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage +<em>gôut</em> all through; but particularly towards the end +of the play. This taste was, it seems, first acquired in +consequence of a feud that formerly existed between +<em>Doria’s</em> family and his own, in which his side came +off so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all +the rest having been murdered by <em>Doria</em> and his +father’s faction. From such deadly foes, it may be observed, +that tragic heroes always select their most trusted friends.</p> +<p><em>Doria’s</em> father dies, and <em>Nina’s</em> +consents to his marriage; so that we see them, at the opening of +the third act, the picture of connubial bliss, in a garden +belonging to the Duke’s palace at Genoa, exchanging +sentiments which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were +quite intelligible. A great deal is said about genius being like +love; which gives rise to a simile touching a rose-bud in a poor +poet’s window, and other incoherencies quite natural for +persons to utter who are supposed to be in love. This peaceful +scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the Prince goes to +fight the Florentines.</p> +<p>The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the +Genoese halting near their city after a victory. <em>Doria</em>, +who in the first act has been represented to us as an exceedingly +gay young fellow, is here described as indulging, in his tent, his +old propensities; having brought away, with other trophies, a fair +Florentine, who is diverting him with her guitar at that moment. +This is excellent news for <em>Spinola</em>; the more so as we are +soon made to understand that <em>Nina</em>, being impatient of her +husband’s return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and +discovers the fair Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, +and her spouse in the midst of his raptures thereat.</p> +<p>A scene follows, in which <em>Spinola</em>, as a new edition of +Iago, and <em>Nina</em>, in the form of a female Othello, get scope +for a great variety of that kind of acting which performers call +“effective.” The wife—in this scene really +well-drawn—will not believe Doria’s falsehood, in spite +of strong <span class="pagenum"><a id="page204" name= +"page204"></a>[pg 204]</span>circumstantial evidence. +<em>Spinola</em> offers to strengthen it; and the last scene of +this act—the fourth—presents a highly melo-dramatic +situation. It is a street scene; and <em>Spinola</em> has brought +<em>Nina</em> to watch her husband into her rival’s house. +She sees him approach it—he wavers—she hopes he will +pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of course +she swoons and falls. So does the act drop.</p> +<p>The entire business of the last act is to bring about the +catastrophe; and, as not one step towards it has been previously +taken, there is no time to lose. <em>Spinola</em>, therefore, is +made not to mince the matter, but to come boldly on at once, with a +bottle of poison! This he blandly insinuates to <em>Nina</em> might +be used with great effect upon her husband, so as effectually to +put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair +Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such +use; but, nevertheless, honours <em>Spinola</em>’s draught, +by accepting it. The villain expresses himself extremely grateful +for her condescension, and exits, to make way for +<em>Doria</em>.</p> +<p>Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done +something exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with +remorse and a certain white powder which is the stage specific for +pallor. The lady complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly +advises her to go to bed. She replies, that she has a cordial +within which will soon restore her, and entreats her beloved lord +to administer the potion with his own dear hand; he +consents—and they both retire, and the audience shudders, +because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the +dose, of which <em>Spinola</em> has been the dispensing +chemist.</p> +<p>And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the +subject of the dramatic <em>Materia Medica</em>, and +<em>poison-ology</em>. The sleeping draughts of the stage are, for +example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of chemical +perfection. When taken—even if the patient be ever so well +shaken—nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after +the cue for his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting +up, have been given; while it never allows him to dose an instant +longer than the plot of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; +there are some which kill the taker dead on the spot, like a fly in +a bottle of prussic acid; others, which—swallowed with a sort +of time-bargain—are warranted to do the business within a few +seconds of so many hours hence; others again there are +(particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant +torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound +(always administered to such characters as <em>Nina Sforza</em>) +are peculiarly mild in their operation—no +stomach-ache—no contortions—but still effectual.</p> +<p>The contents of the phial given to <em>Nina</em> by +<em>Spinola</em> are compounded of the second and fourth of these +<em>formulæ</em>. The drink, though deadly, is guaranteed to +be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted to +operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty +of time to die, and to make her go off in great physical +comfort.</p> +<p><em>Nina</em> has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar +desire to die at home, orders a “trusty page” to +provide horses for herself and attendant secretly, at the northern +gate, that she may return to her native Venice. With this +determination we lose sight of her.</p> +<p><em>Doria</em> is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so +early that they seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, +to which the Italian hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears +an obstinate resemblance. The Prince discovers his wife has fled, +and orders his <em>chasseurs</em> to divert their attention from +the game they had purposed to ride to cover for, and to hunt up the +missing <em>Nina</em>.</p> +<p>“In the deep recesses of a wood” <em>Spinola</em> +and <em>Doria</em> meet, the latter having, by some instinct, found +out his <em>pseudo</em>-friend’s treachery; of course they +fight: <em>Doria</em> falls; but <em>Spinola</em> is too great a +glutton in revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife’s +death, so, after gloating over his prostrate enemy, and poking him +about with his rapier for several minutes, all he does is to steal +his sword; this being found upon him by some of the hunters, who +meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has killed +<em>Doria</em>, and so kill him. Thus, <em>Spinola</em> being +disposed of, there are only two more that are left to die.</p> +<p>In her flight <em>Nina</em> has been taken unwell—with the +poison—just in that part of the forest where her spouse is +left, by his enemy, in a swoon. They meet, and she dies in his +arms. Two being now defunct, only one remains; but there is some +difficulty in getting rid of <em>Doria</em>, for he is (as is +always the case when a stage <em>felo-de-se</em> impends) +unprovided with a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend +<em>D’Estala</em>, he engages him in talk, and, with the +dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs himself. All +the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go on, +and the curtain drops.</p> +<p>A word or two on the merits of <em>Nina Sforza</em>. There are +two classes of dramatists who are just now contending for +fame—those who cannot get their plays acted because they are +not dramatic, and those who can, because their pieces are +<em>merely</em> dramatic. Mr.—we beg pardon, R. Zouch S. +Troughton, Esquire,—belongs to the latter class. He is +evidently well acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows +all about “situation”—that is, sacrificing nature +to startling effect. His language is essentially dramatic, and only +fails where it aims at being poetical. His characters, too, are not +drawn from life, from nature, but are copied—and cleverly +copied—from other characters that strut about in the +“stock” tragedies of Rowe <em>et hoc genus</em>. The +fable, or plot, is deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, +pervading incident to excite, and keep up a progressive interest. +With every new act a new circumstance arises, which, though it is +in some instances (especially in the fourth act) conducted with +great skill, yet the interest it produces is not sustained, being +made to give place to the author’s succeeding effort to get +up a new “situation” by a new incident. Though the +tragedy possesses little originality, it will, from its +melo-dramatic and exciting character, be most likely a very +successful one. Besides, it is very well acted, by Miss Faucit, +Wallack, and Macready, as <em>Spinola</em>; which, being a most +unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an +actor as Macready.</p> +<p>The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because +he has taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective +on, the stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study +nature, and put men and women upon the stage that act and speak +like real mortals, we may safely predict an honourable dramatic +career for Mr. ——; but our space is limited, and we +can’t afford enough of it to print his names a third +time.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>THE QUADROON SLAVE.</h3> +<p>A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much +wanted on the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that “The +Slave” <em>par excellence</em>, in spite of the brothers +<em>Sharpset</em> and Bishop’s music, ceases to interest. The +woes of “Gambia” have been turned into ridicule by the +capers of “Jim Crow,” and the twin pleasantries of +“Jim along Josey.” Since the moral British public gave +away twenty millions to emancipate the black population, and to +raise the price of brown sugars, they are not nearly so sweet upon +the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now Cæsar +being “massa-pated, him no work—dam if he +do!”</p> +<p>To meet this dramatic exigency, the “Quadroon Slave” +has been produced. It may be classed as an argumentative drama; +carried on with that stage logic which always makes the heroine get +the best of it. The emancipation side of the question is supported +by <em>Julie</em>, ably backed by <em>Vincent St. George</em>, but +opposed by <em>Alfred Pelham</em>; and the lingual combatants rush +<em>in medias res</em> at the very rising of the curtain—the +“house,” immediately taking sides, vehemently +applauding the arguments of their respective favourites. +<em>Vincent St. George</em>—ably entrusted to that +interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster—opened the discussion by +protesting against the flogging system, especially as applied to +females. <em>Alfred Pelham</em> answered him; the reply being taken +up by the heroine <em>Julie</em> in broken French, because she is +personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of parties as here +developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a quadroon, is on +the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and openly +resents the tender advances of her ally. “Call ye this +backing of your friends?” <em>Vincent St. George</em>, +disgusted at such gross tergiversation, flies entirely away from +the point at issue, and applies those remarks to <em>Julie</em> +which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to utter in such +cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he challenges +him—unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by +engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of +duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of +“question!” “question!” from the +audience.</p> +<p>This brings <em>Vincent</em> back to the point, and with a +vengeance! Like a great many other orators on the liberal side of +the black question, he is a slave-owner himself, having—as +his “attorney” <em>Vipper</em> is careful to tell +us—no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, +before he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he +might—one cannot help thinking—have had the +decency—<em>like Saint Fowell Buxton</em>—to +<em>sell</em> his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court +with clean hands. But so far from doing so, <em>Vipper</em> having +discovered that <em>Julie</em> is a run-away slave from +<em>Vincent’s</em> estate, just as she is ending the first +act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the +second act to claim her!</p> +<p>Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of +affairs—<em>Vincent</em> insisting, as <em>liberals</em> so +often do, upon his vested rights in <em>Julie</em> as opposed to +<em>Pelham’s</em> matrimonial ones—though the heroine +renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the +rivals—though she rushes upon a parapet to commit +suicide—though she is saved, and at length succeeds by force +of mere argument to get her new-found master to give her up to her +husband; yet this second act was somewhat dull; insomuch that the +audience did not seem to regret when the curtain dropped the +subject, and announced their own emancipation from the theatre.</p> +<p>Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a +<em>Telemachus Hearty</em>, who, further than skipping about the +stage, talking very fast, and making himself not altogether +disagreeable, had no more to do with the piece than his namesake, +or Fénélon Archbishop of Cambray himself.</p> +<p>This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage—to turn +as it were the theatre into a debating society—will certainly +not succeed. Audiences—especially Haymarket ones—have a +taste for being amused rather than reasoned with; besides, those on +that side of the question which the author chooses shall be the +weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators get the upper hand, +without having a chance of answering them. Even dancing is +preferred by them to didactics, though it be</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-13.png"><img src= +"images/017-13.png" alt="A minstrel conducts a dog's barking." id= +"img017-13" name="img017-13" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 6, 1841,, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14935-h.htm or 14935-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14935/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841, + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 6, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE'S. + +The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my being ended +in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin the world, and do +something for myself. The only difficult problem left for them to solve +was, in what way I had better commence. One would have thought the world +had nothing in its whole construction but futile beginnings and most +unsatisfactory methods of doing for one's self. Scheme after scheme was +discussed and discarded; new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and +impossibilities seemed to overwhelm every succeeding though successless +suggestion. At the critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me +either that I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the +authoritative "rat-tat" of the general postman closed the argument, and +for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my bewildered +parents. + +"Good gracious!" "Well, I never!" "Who'd ha' thought it?" and various +other disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running +commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly devoured the +contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, re-wiped his +spectacles, and again commenced the former all-engrossing subject. + +"Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. Here's a letter +from your uncle Ticket." + +I nodded in silence. + +"Yes, sir," continued my father, with increasing emphasis and peculiar +dignity, "Ticket--the great Ticket--the greatest"-- + +"Pawnbroker in London," said I, finishing the sentence. + +"Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?" + +"Nothing further; I don't much like the trade, but"-- + +"But he's your uncle, sir. It's a glorious money-making business. He +offers to take you as an apprentice. Nancy, my love, pack up this lad's +things, and start him off by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom." + +So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly delivered to +Ticket--the great Ticket--my maternal, and everybody else's undefinable, +uncle. Duly equipped in glazed calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my +place behind the counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar +_penchant_ for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt sixpences, and +encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving counterfeit crowns, +half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on the ear, and a positive +command to confine myself to the up-stairs, or "top-of-the-spout +department" for the future. Here my chief duties were to deposit such +articles as progressed up that wooden shaft in their respective places, +and by the same means transmit the "redeemed" to the shop below. This was +but dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness (for +I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently fell into a +foggy sort of mystified somnolency--the partial prostration of my +corporeal powers being amply compensated by the vague wanderings of +indistinct imagination. + +In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear not only +imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of AEsop, blessed with the +gift of tongues. Others, though speechless, would conjure up a vivid train +of breathing tableaux, replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic, +half the size of the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the +imprisoned genie the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the +shadowy vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that +wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely dogged +by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant tiara opens the +vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled pride of the titled +hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The flash contents of that +bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the felon's bar; the daring burglar +eyeing with confidence the counsel learned in the law's defects, fee'd by +its produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride, +Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns usurp +the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed myself in +delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than ordinary force on one +beneath. These were two of my talking friends. I stirred not, but sat +silently to listen to their curious conversation, which I now proceed to +give verbatim. + +_Parcel fallen upon_.--"What the d--l are you?" + +_Parcel that fell_.--"That's my business." + +"Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don't you look where you're +going?" + +"How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty black silk +handkerchief?" + +"Ain't there a hole in any of 'em?" + +"No." + +"That's a pity; but when you've been here as long as I have, the moths +will help you a bit." + +"Will they?" + +"Certainly." + +"I hope not." + +"Hope if you like; but you'll find I'm right." + +"I trust I didn't hurt you much." + +"Not very. Bless you, I'm pretty well used to ill-treatment now. You've +only rubbed the pile of my collar the wrong way, just as that awkward +black rascal would brush me." + +"Bless me! I think I know your voice." + +"Somehow, I think I know yours." + +"You ain't Colonel Tomkins, are you?" + +"No." + +"Nor Count Castor?" + +"No." + +"Then I'm in error." + +"No you're not. I was the Colonel once; then I became the Count by way of +loan; and then I came here--as he said by mistake." + +"Why, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to speak to you. How did you wear?" + +"So-so." + +"When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest Petersham in town. +Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, were superb; and when you +were the Colonel, upon my life you were the sweetest cut thing about the +waist and tails I ever walked with." + +"You flatter me." + +"Upon my honour, no." + +"Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with chased buttons and +silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the honour of meeting. But I +suppose, as you are here, you are not the Cornet now?" + +"Alas! no." + +"May I ask why?" + +"Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his master's cloth and me +at the same time. The villain went to the Lowther Arcade--took me with him +by force. Fancy my agony; literally accessory to handing ices to +milliners' apprentices and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced +quadrilling it, he dos-a-dos'd me up against a fat soap-boiler's wife, in +filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin." + +"Scoundrel!" + +"Rascal! But he was discovered--he reeled home drunk. _I_, that is, as +it's known, _we_ make the men. The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him +soundly with a three-foot Crowther." + +"That must have been delightful to your feelings." + +"Not very." + +"Why not? revenge is sweet." + +"So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take me off, I got the +worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut about. Two buttons fearfully +lacerated--nothing but the shanks left." + +"How did it end?" + +"The valet mentioned something about wages and assault warrants, so I was +given to him to make the matter up. Between you and I, the Cornet was very +hard up." + +"Indeed!" + +"Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we used to walk out +with--those he strapped so tight over the remarkably chatty and pleasant +French-polished boots whose broken English we used to admire so much?" + +"Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever met. They beat +the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from ungentlemanly, only +they would always talk with a sham Scotch accent, and quote the 'Cotter's +Saturday Night.'" + +"Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our friends, and the +Cornet's friends, they must have been bad, for those very greys were +seated." + +"Impossible!" + +"Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch for three weeks." + +"How did they bear it?" + +"Shockingly. A general break up of the constitution--went all to pieces. +First, decay appeared in the brace buttons; then the straps got out of +order. They did say it was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots +going down on one side, but the boots would never admit it." + +"How did you get here?" + +"I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet and his Valet's +breakfast! What brought you?" + +"The Count's landlady, for a week's rent." + +"What did you fetch?" + +"A guinea!" + +"Bless me, you must have worn well." + +"No; hold your tongue--I think I shall die with laughing,--ha! ha!--When +they took me in, I returned the compliment. I've been--" + +"What?" + +"Cuffed and collared!" + +"Ha! ha! ha! ha!" shouted both coats; and "Ha! ha!" shouted I; "And I'll +teach you to 'ha! ha!' and neglect your business" shouted the Governor; +and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion of my +"Day-dream at my Uncle's." + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +"BLOW GENTLE BREEZE." + +The Reverend Henry _Snow_, M.A., has been inducted by the Bishop of +Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum _Windrush_. + + From Glo'ster _see_, a _windrush_ came, and lo! + On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted _Snow_. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +SHOWS WHAT'S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT'S IN A NAME. + + +[Illustration: U]Undoubtedly on the following day 24 Pleasant-terrace was +the most uncomfortable place in the universe. Some one has said that +wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to be far off; and the truth of +the allegory is never better exemplified than on the day after "a most +delightful party." We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a +victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at a very +considerable expenditure of _materiel_. Let us accompany the mistress of +the house as she proceeds from room to room, to ascertain the damage done +by the enemy upon the furniture and decorations. A light damask curtain is +found to have been saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has +been doing duty as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china +shepherdess, having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a +raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the +short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has perversely +fallen the only way in which it could have done any damage, and has thrown +the quicksilver on the back of a large looking-glass into an alarming +state of eruption. The return of "cracked and broken" presents a fearful +list of smashage and fracture: _the best_ tea-set is rendered unfit for +active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a milk-jug; the +green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully reduced in numbers; +two fiddle-handle spoons are completely _hors de combat_, having been +placed under the legs of the supper-table to keep it steady; seven +straw-stemmed wine-glasses awfully shattered during the +"three-times-three" discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of +Applebites; four cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of +"entusymusy" by four young gentlemen who were accidentally left by +themselves in the supper-room; eighteen silver-plated dessert-knives +reduced to the character of saws, by a similar number of "nice fellows" +who were endeavouring to do the agreeable with the champagne, and +consequently could distinguish no difference between wire and +grape-stalks. The destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the +extra waiter had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat +down rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his +lap, the result of which was, according to the following + + OFFICIAL RETURN, + + Two decanters starred; + One salt-cellar smithereened; + Four tumblers cracked uncommonly; + An extra waiter many bruises, and fractured pantaloons. + +The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the +street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind +is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were consequent upon the +Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the +house as the rout-stools made their exit. He was quite right; for the next +fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied +by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water. + +There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary +imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the +propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called "the +cherub," "the sweet one," "the mother's duck of the world," and "daddy's +darling." Several names had been suggested by the several friends and +relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to. + +Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the +member for Puddingbury, "in the hope," as he expressed himself, "that he +might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents +and virtues of his great ancestor." (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs. +Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, except in +the case of the member for Puddingbury.) + +Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de +Dickey, after her mother's great progenitor, who was said to have come +over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey +or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined. +(Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure +to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey. +In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.) + +The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be +called-- + +ALBERT (we give her own reasons)--because the Queen's husband was so +named. + +AGAMEMNON--because of the alliteration and his papa. + +DAVIS--because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she +thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis. + +MONTAGUE--because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to +address him by in general conversation. + +COLLUMPSION--as her papa. + +PHIPPS--because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were +marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and + +APPLEBITE--as a matter of course. + +(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for--nothing in particular, and by +Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to employ a +lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.) + +Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length +it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and +drawn by the nominees. The necessary arrangements being completed, the +three proceeded to the ballot. + + Mrs. Waddledot drew Isaac. + Agamemnon drew Roger de Dickey. + Mrs. Applebite drew Phipps. + +As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a "stern +virtue" everybody kept it to themselves, and the heir was accordingly +christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps Applebite. + +Old John soon realised Agamemnon's fears of Mrs. Waddledot's selection, +for, whether the patronym of the Norman invader was more in accordance +with his own ideas of propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his +mind of the infant heir, he was continually speaking of little master +Dicky; and upon being remonstrated with upon the subject promised +amendment for the future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled +the Phipps, the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always +contriving most perversely to + +[Illustration: "PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE."] + + * * * * * + + +A SCANDALOUS REPORT. + +We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that Colonel +Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It is true that a +deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take the chair on the 5th of +November, but the gallant Colonel modestly declined, much to the +disappointment of the young gentlemen who presented the requisition; so +much so indeed, that, after exhausting their oratorical powers, they +slightly hinted at having recourse to + +[Illustration: PHYSICAL FORCE.] + + * * * * * + + +"ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL." + + No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills, + Should have a _taste_ for gorging, + For since the work the pocket fills, + What _Smith_'s averse to _forging_? + + * * * * * + + +THE FIRE AT THE TOWER. + +This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement which +prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that occurred, and to +which we beg leave to call the public attention. + +In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the property, +precautions were taken to shut out every one from the building; and as +military rule knows of no exception, the orders given were executed to the +letter by preventing the ingress of the firemen with their engines until +the general order of exclusion was followed by a countermand. This of +course took time, leaving the fire to devour at its leisure the enormous +meal that fate had prepared for it. + +After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of no water +where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where there was no +possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose could be got into +were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most provoking way almost +overflowing its banks in the very neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if +the pipes were laid on to the water, they were laid off too far from the +building to have the least effect upon it. + +The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that suggested itself +to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to saving the jewels, which +were not in the smallest danger, and even if they had been, there was +nobody knew how to get at them, the key being some miles off in the +possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It might as well have been at the +bottom of the Thames; and, of course, everybody began tugging at the iron +bars, which were at length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of +time and trouble, removed _to a place of safety_ from _a position of the +most perfect security!!_ However, this showed activity if nothing else, +and of course made the subject of paragraphs about "presence of mind," +"indefatigable exertions," and "superhuman efforts" on the part of certain +persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as well have been +carrying the piece of artillery in St. James's Park into the enclosure +opposite. + +While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, where they +were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, it never occurred +to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which were being quietly +consumed, while the crown and regalia were being jolted about with the +most injurious activity. + +The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point of this +melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, on applying at +head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered by a blow from a +musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on the part of the +privates of the line to a person who is also + +[Illustration: ATTACHED TO THE LINE.] + +--the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true _gusto_ for accidents, and a +relish for calamities, which nothing could subdue, he still pressed +forward, with blood streaming from his fractured skull, for additional +particulars. The American reporter whose hand was blown off, and had the +good fortune to be upon the spot, is not to be compared with the hero who +had the exclusive advantage of being able to supply practical information +of the ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery. + +It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as no one +lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable that every +effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. There is no doubt +that the ladder was strenuously directed towards the clock tower, with the +view, probably, of saving the "jolly cock" who used to adorn the top of +it. + +The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that during the +whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to vary with the wind. +The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected that the awful solemnity of +the scene would have rendered any man, not entirely lost to every sense of +feeling, completely motionless. The apathy of the weathercock that went on +whirling about as if nothing had happened, is in the highest degree +disgusting, and we can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling +animal. + + * * * * * + + +PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. + +November, that month of fires, fogs, _felo de ses_, and Fawkes, has been +ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and at various other parts +of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of Parliament been passed for the +suppression of bonfires--November asserts her rights, and will have her +modicum of "flare up" in spite of the law; but with the trickery of an Old +Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon October. Nor is this all! +Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has already hatched several +conspiracies, as though everybody now thought of getting rid of others or +themselves. + +The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known as the +Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been favoured with a +communication which being considerably beyond his own comprehension, he +has in a laudable spirit submitted it to Punch--an evidence of wisdom +which we really did not expect from our friend Baron Jamescrow. + +We subjoin the introductory epistle-- + + DEAR PUNCH,--I hasten to forward you the awful letter enclosed--we + are all abroad here concerning it--by the bye, how are you all at + home--to say the least, it certainly does look very ugly. Mrs. P., + I hope, has improved in appearance. Something terrible is + evidently about to happen. I intend to pay you a visit shortly. I + trust we may not have to encounter any more Guys--you may expect + to see me on my Friday. I can only add my prayers for the nation's + safety and my compliments to Mrs. Punch and the young P.s. + + Yours ever, + + MONTEAGLE. + + P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I + have made a few notes, and paid the postage. + +The following is the letter referred to by the Baron Jamescrow:-- + + MY LORD,--Being known to some of your friends I would advise you, + as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some excuse to shift + off your attendance at your house (clearly the House of + Lords--_Monteagle_), for fire and brimstone have united to destroy + the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, lucifer-matches, and the + Peers--_Monteagle_). Think not lightly of my advertisement (see + _Dispatch_), but retire yourself in the country (I should think I + would--_Monteagle_), where you may abide in safety; for though + there be no appearance of any _punae_; (what the deuce does this + mean? Puny's little--_Monteagle_), yet they will receive a + terrible blow-up (By punae he means members of Parliament, and he + _is_ another Guy!--_Monteagle_); yet they shall not see who hurts + them, though the place shall be purified and the enemy completely + destroyed. + + I am, your Lordship's servant, + + and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of Parliament. + + T.I.F. Fin. + +We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a matter +evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires neither a +Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a letter from Tiffin, +the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to his peculiar plan of +persecuting the _punae_. + +We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the +re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not speak upon +conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the delinquent. + +[Illustration: THE MODERN GUY VAUX.] + + * * * * * + + +THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + +Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article, +we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured +that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as +blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as +that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid +consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The +candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting +Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand +honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of +some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the +enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not +ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters +to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the +rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining +no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the +affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the +unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be +returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of +seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and +pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the +partner of a certain lady for life. + +Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above +candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause +of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear +destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always +possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome +as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty, +and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the +figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and +animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to +captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per +annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions, +were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony. + +Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing +a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great +attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager +pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal +possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold. +Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of +the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon +his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to +persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be +made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared +that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses +of all save two. + +Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young +men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their +persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their +tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their +coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their +chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they +were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete +with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till +such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never +known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were +scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no +objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of +gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge +through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small +six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as +a record of their having existed. + +Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom +report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair +Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled +out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival +in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted +from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other; +and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics +of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the +eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow +them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste +as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but +natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other +feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for +the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists +as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express +his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had +frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater +gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P. +In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately, +however, circumstances had never brought them into collision. + +It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town. +Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate +in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had +abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius +Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of +Taglioni and the Opera. + +The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay +his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the +mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the +assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant, +however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a +similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the +presence of his rival. + +The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other, +bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction. + +"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware +that he was holding communion with his rival. + +"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he +been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been +converted into a most contemptuous sneer. + +"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from +Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of +fashion. + +"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a +slight inclination of his body. + +"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock. + +"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy. + +"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P. + +"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate +enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own. + +"And what lips?" + +"Positively provoking!" + +"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who +gets possession of such a treasure!" + +"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of +self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his +own. + +"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock, +"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular +favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark, +slightly elevated his cravat. + +"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering +somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at +himself. + +The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed. + +"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his +emotion had subsided. + +"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark +it," responded Julius. + +"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly +marked, certainly--yes." + +"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing, +I believe!" + +"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as +much to you perhaps, sir?" + +Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied +"Why really, sir, that is a question which"-- + +"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but +candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?" + +"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring +slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust. + +"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you +know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?" + +"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the +flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought +it rather an indelicate one. + +Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not +refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired +significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?" + +Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his +unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a +peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the +fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation. + +"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently +perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?" + +"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal +_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize, +perfectly ridiculous!" + +"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!" + +"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!" + +"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see +the folly of such presumption." + +"To be sure, stupid dolt!" + +"Impudent puppy!" + +"Conceited fool!" + +"The fellow must be out of his senses!" + +"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!" + +"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!" + +The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from +their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual +satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been +fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of +his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his +chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand. + +"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of +enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with +a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself." + +"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned +Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P. + +"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here." + +"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you." + +"Will you allow me to present you with a card?" + +"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying, +the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting +his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly +coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he +should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life." + +"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr. +Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which +bore his name and address in the hand of his companion. + +"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest +convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his +fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his +title and residence. + +The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the +cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had +previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into +expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise. + +"Peacock!" shouted Candy. + +"Candy!" vociferated Peacock. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name +of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have +found, sir, of a very different character!" + +"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was +the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis +upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have +been delivered to him but with a different motive." + +"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!" + +"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat +it--fellow--fellow!" + +"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of +fool, sir!" + +"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!" + +"You're a conceited puppy, sir!" + +"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!" + +This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with +more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a +fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair +cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment. + +It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana +to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by +informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon +the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure +them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_." + +This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his +hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house, +vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection, +Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small +quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who +was so utterly blind to their manifold merits. + +Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + + * * * * * + + +SIR FRANCIS BURDETT'S VISIT TO THE TOWER. + +On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis +Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have +suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded +glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second +Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country's rights;--on last Monday +he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and +smouldering ruins before him--he perhaps compared them to his own +patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly-- + +[Illustration: CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?] + + * * * * * + + +REFORM YOUR LAWYERS' BILLS. + +It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to +the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living +within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces +vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for +demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into +something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_ +standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances. +The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from +well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders +pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified +by Ribston pippins! + +So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become +extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion. +Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are +merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats +cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from +wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in +fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution +plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into +pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant +upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements. + +Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes, +Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their +professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they, +Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the +charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following +list. + + N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment. + + [Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only. + + Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a + Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman, + Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical + Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other + miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy, + from the following prosecutions:-- + + L s. + To breaking a policeman's neck 50 0 + To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same + himself 10 0 + To choice of situation of house in street where done, + from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord' + for number and affidavit 10 10 + ----- + Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury L70 10 + ----- + For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other + unimportant member 15 0 + For receipt written by wife of handsome provision 1 0 + For writing and indorsing same 5 5 + Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for + witnesses to look decent, including loss by their + absconding with the name 10 10 + ----- + Total L31 15 + ----- + For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods 20 0 + For carpenter proving same never fitted their + respective doors there engaged 3 3 + All extras included 1 1 + ----- + Total L24 4 + + N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are + low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices. + + For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police + included, if not amounting to fracture 5 5 + For suppressing police reports, or getting them put + in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman + substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench" + for "place at the bar" 10 10 + ----- + Total L15 15 + + And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low + charges. + + Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a + handsome discount. No connexion with any other house. + + * * * * * + + +"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c. + +"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the +morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by +the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who +the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but +from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was +_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and +rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges +in the kingdom. + + * * * * * + + +PEEL'S PRE-EXISTENCE! + +"Every man is not only himself," says Sir THOMAS BROWNE; "there hath been +many Diogenes, and as many Timons, though but few of that name. _Men are +lived over again_. The world is now as it was in ages past: there was none +then but there hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it +were, _his revived self_." We are devout believers in the creed. + +HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first class. He had +taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, and was gifted with as +fine a hand to force a card--with as glib a tongue to harangue a mob at +wakes and fairs, as any professor since the birth of the fourth grace of +life,--swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his list of +miraculous cures--of his balsams, his anodynes, his elixirs; in the +benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate the pockets of the poor, +sell a pennyworth of the philosopher's stone; and, as a further +illustration of his sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a +kreutzer, a mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his +Sagacity was inconceivable. A hundred years ago, he told to a fraction +the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at the specimen sent +him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty years predicted who would +be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, from an inspection of a pint of +water presented to him every season from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy +all the politics of the Court of Aldermen from a phial filled at +Fleet-ditch; and could at any time--no trifling task--tell the amount of +corruption in the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at +Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England--for the honour he has +done our country has never been generally known--he calculated to a nicety +how many puppies and kittens were annually drowned in the Thames, and how +many suicides--particularising the sex and dress of each sufferer--were +committed in the same period, from a bottlefull of Thames water brought to +him wherewith to dilute his brandy at the Ship public house, Greenwich--a +hostelry much frequented by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the +calculation very beautifully illuminated on ass's skin, and at this moment +deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known that the +Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, that after a nap +of a score or so of years he would return to this life in an entirely new +character. The Doctor has kept his word. HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir +THOMAS BROWNE says, is "lived over again" in Sir ROBERT PEEL! + +It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir ROBERT--for +though, indeed, he is no other than the old German quack revived, we will +not refuse to him his new name--toward the sufferers of Paisley, without +feeling that the fine spirit of finesse which made the reputation of the +student of the Black Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep; +but, on the contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The +Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately, +playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches' pocket with a spasm of +benevolence, and pulled therefrom--fifty pounds! Only a few weeks before, +Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his list of former cures, that he would clothe +the naked and feed the hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid +for such Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues +Parliament to the tune of "Go to the devil and shake yourself," and sits +down in the easy chair of salary, and tries to think! Disturbed in his +contemplations by the groans and screams of the famishing, he addresses +the starving multitude from the windows of Downing-street, telling them he +can do nothing for them in a large way, but--the fee he has received to +cure them can afford as much--graciously throwing them fifty pounds from +his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has no +objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society. + +It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame he +accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very best fiddle. +We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the part of NERO; there +was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of nerve, in such +instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher respect for NERO than +if he had been found playing on the burning Pantheon with a penny squirt. +His mockery of the Romans, bad as it was, was not the mockery of +compassion. + +"I will make bread cheap for you," says Sir ROBERT PEEL to the Paisley +sufferers; "I will not enable you to buy the quartern loaf at a reduced +rate by your own industry, but I will treat you to a penny roll, at its +present size, from my own purse." Whereupon the Tories clap their hands +and cry, "What magnanimity!" + +What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of London, the +Minister were to issue an order commanding all the fire-offices to make no +attempt to extinguish the flames, and were then to exclaim to the +sufferers, "My friends, I deeply sympathize with you; but the Phoenix +shall not budge, the Hand-in-Hand mustn't move a finger, the Eagle must +stay where it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of +my own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and pray +heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make you snug and +comfortable." + +Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people suspect; +nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid before their eyes, +they would be willing to admit. We have no space for its voluminous +history; but it is our belief, since quackery first plied its profitable +trade with human incredulity, it never perpetrated so successful a trick +as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT PEEL in his motion of want of confidence. +The first scene of the farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT +has snatched the cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how +he will play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is +already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, with +their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the distresses of the +people. "When the geese gaggle," says a rustic saw, "expect a change of +weather." Lord LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of +the Corn-laws. + +"Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?" says Lord LONDONDERRY. +These are new words for the old harridan Toryism. She was wont, like +_Falstaff_, to blow out her cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is, +Toryism has a new host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by +fictitious credit--by seeming prosperity--and, more than all, by the +ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a long date +we grant) have now to be paid--paper is to be turned into Bank gold. +Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the taxman's ink horn at his +button-hole, gives at every door lessons that sink into the heart of the +scholar. Public opinion, which, in the good old days "when George the +Third was king," was little more than an abstraction--a thing talked of, +not acknowledged--is now a tangible presence. The said public opinion is +now formed of hundreds of thousands whose existence, save in the books of +the Exchequer, was scarcely admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT +PEEL has now to give in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of +Birmingham, of Leeds--he must pass his books with them, and tens of +thousands of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three +months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought. + +At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he can best +lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the case. At this +moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the addition of which will +not crack the camel's back. No; Sir ROBERT will come to the Whig measures +of relief, having so disguised them as, like _Plagiary's_ metaphors, to +make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, however, +attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the genius of his former +existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has shuffled himself into +Downing-street; and there he will leave nothing untried that he may +remain. "If Cato gets drunk, then is drunkenness no shame"--"If Sir ROBERT +PEEL alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be +changed." This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we shall see men, +who before would have vowed themselves to slow starvation before they +would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale +or no scale at all, as their places and the strength of their party may be +best assured. + +Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat fire and +swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT PEEL will eat his +own principles--swallow his own words. When men call this apostacy, the +Doctor will blandly smile, and denominate it a sacrifice to public +opinion. We have no doubt that, as long as he can, the Premier will put +off the remedy; he will try this and that; but at length public opinion +will compel him to cast aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL'S--_bread +pills_! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER. + + If it be true man's tongue is like a steed, + Which bears his mind,--why then, none wonder need, + That Timlin's tongue can run at such a rate, + Because it only carries--feather weight. + + * * * * * + + When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud + Fills with amazement all the list'ning crowd; + But soon the wonder ceases, when 'tis found + That empty vessels make the greatest sound. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVII. + +[Illustration: SIR ROBERT MACAIRE + +ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +6.--OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS. + +[Illustration: O]One fine morning, in the October of the third winter +session, the student is suddenly struck by the recollection that at the +end of the course the time will arrive for him to be thinking about +undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. Making up his mind, +therefore, to begin studying in earnest, he becomes a _pro tempore_ member +of a temperance society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer +for six months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and +Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five guineas to pay +a "grinder," he routs out his old note-books from the bottom of his box, +and commences to "read for the Hall." + +Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the value of +private cramming--a process by which their brains are fattened, by +abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food (some of it _very_ +dry), like the livers of Strasbourg geese. There are grinders in each of +these three professional classes; but the medical teacher is the man of +the most varied and eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately +acquainted with the different branches required to be studied, but he is +also master of all their minutiae. In accordance with the taste of the +examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of heat water +boils in a balloon--how the article of commerce, _Prussian blue_, is more +easily and correctly defined as the _Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of +potassium_--why the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make +such asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual +inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from "Who +discovered the use of the spleen?" to "Who killed cock robin?" for aught +we know. They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as these. + +It is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented by shelves of +bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of medical plants and +cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of young men are seated +round a long table covered with baize, in the centre of whom an +intellectual-looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows the amount +of knowledge it can contain, is interrogating by turns each of the +students, and endeavouring to impress the points in question on their +memories by various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he +passes his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched +upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a pretty +correct idea of the general run of the "Hall questions." + +"Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of his class, handing him a +bottle of something which appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat +after he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?" + +"That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff. + +"Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical name--_dolichos +pruriens_. What is it used for?" + +"To strew in people's beds that you owe a grudge to," replies Muff; +whereat all the class laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for +granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in his interleaved manual. + +"That answer would floor you," continues the grinder. "The _dolichos_ is +used to destroy worms. How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next +pupil--a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very +like a butler out of place. + +"It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones. + +"You would say it acts mechanically," observes the grinder. "The fine +points stick into the worms and kill them. They say, 'Is this a dagger +which I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones, +when you go up. Mr. Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if +you wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?" + +Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an abrupt +manner, a song he was humming, _sotto voce_, having some allusion to a +peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having passed a night at a house +of public entertainment in the Old Bailey previous to an execution. He +then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pupils as much as to say, +"See me tackle him, now;" and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden +on Boxing-night." + +"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," continues the teacher; "what +else is likely to answer the purpose?" + +"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place knockers on your arm, +and three policemen on your heels, might have a good effect," answers Mr. +Manhug. + +"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at this rate?" +observes the teacher, in a tone of mild reproach. + +"Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturbable Manhug. "I've passed +it twenty times within this last month, and did not find any very great +difficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they block up +Union-street and Water-lane." + +The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on to the +next. "Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you the composition of +the _compound gamboge pill_: what is it made of?" + +Mr. Rapp hasn't the least idea. + +"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, ginger, and soap--C, +A, G, S,--_cags_. Recollect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were +sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?" + +"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp. + +"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you substitute?" + +"Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds." + +"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume you could not get any +pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was nothing in the house. What +would you do then?" + +Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the table--"Let him die and be +----!" + +"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more steady," +interrupts the professor. "You would scrape the ceiling with the +fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is an +antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They like you to say you would +scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in +emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the last question and answer?" + +"Yes sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes making a note of it. + +"Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. What would be your +first endeavour?" + +"To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel," mildly observes Mr. Newcome; +whereupon the class indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as +deep as the red bull's-eye of a New-road doctor's lamp. + +"What would _you_ do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can inform Mr. Newcome." + +"Cut him down, sir," answers the indomitable _farceur_. + +"Well, well," continues the teacher; "but we will presume he has been cut +down. What would you strive to do next?" + +"Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a _post mortem_ +examination." + +"We have had no chemistry this morning," observes one of the pupils. + +"Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. How would you +endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any body?" + +"By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," interrupts Mr. Manhug. + +"If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," observes Mr. Jones, "he'd be +sure to lend it--oh, yes!--I should rayther think so, certainly," +whereupon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right +hand, and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an +imaginary one handed flageolet. + +"Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a compound body?" + +Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance. + +"A compound body is composed of two or more elements," says the grinder, +"in various proportions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones." + +"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two elements, ale and +porter, the proportion of the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the +respectability of the public-house you get it from," replies Mr. Jones. + +The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopoeia, says, "I see here +directions for evaporating certain liquids 'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome, +what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted +with?" + +"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and Drury-lane," +returns Mr. Newcome. + +"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. Newcome, to keep +it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at the Hall for the most +familiar instance, they like you to say a carpenter's glue-pot." + +And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds. + + * * * * * + + +THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN. + +_By the Correspondent of the Observer._ + +The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most agonising +suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if a Prince of +Wales is not born before their period of office expires, will lose the +chance of being created baronets. + +According to rumour, the baby--we beg pardon, the scion of the house of +Brunswick--was to have been born--we must apologise again; we should say +was to have been added to the illustrious stock of the reigning family of +Great Britain--some day last month, and of course the present Lord Mayors +had comfortably made up their minds that they should be entitled to the +dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions as that which the +nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are at the beginning of +November, and no Prince of Wales. We have reason to know that the Lord +Mayor of London has not slept a wink since Saturday, and his lady has not +smiled, according to an authority on which we are accustomed to rely, +since Thursday fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the +present official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales +is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making Daniel +O'Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be twins presented to +the nation! one on the night of the 8th of November, the other on the +morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate both parties; but we are not +disposed at present to pronounce a decided opinion on this part of the +question. We know that politics have been carried most indelicately into +the very heart of the Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all +parties, that the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of +political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be most +indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our dislike to +the use of strong language is well known, or at least it ought to be. + +If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a second +edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, and should +think it worth while to publish another impression for the purpose of +stating it. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 10. + + You talk of love--I would believe + Thy words were truth; + Nor deem that thou wouldst e'er deceive + My artless youth: + But when we part, + Within my heart + A small voice whispers low-- + Beware! Beware! + Fond girl, the snare! + it's all no go! + + You talk of love--yet would betray + The heart you seek, + And smile upon its slow decay, + If 'twould not break. + In vain you swear + That I am fair, + That heaven is on my lip! + I know each vow + Is worthless now; + [Illustration: YOU'VE MISS'D YOUR TIP.] + + * * * * * + + +THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES. + +"Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in Chancery will be much +better off than formerly"--said Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate. +"Undoubtedly," replied the friend, "they may now choose between the +frying-pan and the fire." + + * * * * * + + +MR. PUNCH, + +ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS[1], + + [1] Baylis. + +BEGS TO INFORM THE + +HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS + +AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL, + +That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th of +November, he _had_ engaged the services of the following + +EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES. + +SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for _squibs_. + +MR. ROEBUCK, for _flower-pots_, containing the beautiful figure of a +_genealogical tree_. + +COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his _own plan_; +warranted to flare up at starting, and to come down--_a stick_. + +DANIEL O'CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman candles, + +MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS BURDETT, for +Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to _turn round_ with great +celerity, and to exhibit _curious designs_. + +LORD MINTO, for _Chinese fire_, prepared from the recipes of his gallant +relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have been procured at an +immense outlay.--(See next year's "Budget.") + +The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police Force in +general, for the supply of _crackers_. + +MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for _port_-fires. + +SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a _golden rain_. + +*** A large supply of these articles always on hand. Apply at Mr. P.'s +Office every Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR. + +Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when the tiger +broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to come and witness +his performance; by great good luck, he and the rest of the affrighted +spectators effected their escape; but he was heard vehemently declaring he +had been deceived in the most beastly manner, as he would not have come +but that he supposed he was + +[Illustration: LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.] + + * * * * * + + +SHIP NEWS. + +Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, _La Gitana_ (wherry Z.9), Execution +Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing her, discovered the Master +with his wooden leg in the mud, to which he had made fast the head-line, +with his left leg over his right shoulder, high and dry. + +A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop Walkers, was +washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old ribbon-box, apparently used +for a sea-chest, containing wearing apparel, 1s. 8d. in fourpenny pieces, +and sundry small pieces of paper, with "Dry," sign of the "Three Balls," +printed thereon, and endorsed, "Shawl, 3s. 6d., 30 remnants of ribbon 7s. +6d., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3s. 6d.," &c. &c. The crew supposed to have +abandoned her off the "Swan," where they were seen in a state of beer. + + * * * * * + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +A great _fall_ of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the Brighton Railway on +last Thursday morning; a corresponding _fall_ in milk took place in London +on the following day. + + * * * * * + + +SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE-- + +[Illustration] + +of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty's Ministers, in +want of an active cad, or light porter; the advertiser, a young man at +present out of place, would be anxious to make himself generally useful, +and is not particular in what capacity. Respectability not so great an +object as a good salary. Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad's +Arms, _Turn'em Green_. + + * * * * * + + +HARD AND FAST. + +That very slow coach, and would be "faster," the licensed +to-carry-no-thing-inside "Bernard Cavannah," has been recently confined in +a room, wherein he has lived upon the "cameleon's dish," eating the +air--"jugged," we presume. Wakley declares he is an impostor; but as he +has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard survives, this may be +attributed to professional disappointment. Dr. Elliotson declares, from +his own experience, any man can live upon nothing. The whole medical +profession are getting to very high words; Anglice,--indulging in very low +language. The fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are +growing so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to +witness a beautiful tableau vivant of + +[Illustration: SURGERE IN ARMIS.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE. + +Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning "native +talent" go down on his knees, and, after the manner of the ancient +heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for having at last sent us a +singer who knows her business! One who can sing as if she had a soul; who +can act as if she were not acting, but existing amidst reality; who is, in +short, a performer entirely new to the British stage; to whom we have not +a parallel example to produce,--a heroine of the lyric drama. + +Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide Kemble. +Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set up with the +small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned singing on the stage; +making the public pay for her tuition. On the contrary, nature has +manifestly not been bountiful to her in this respect. Her voice--the mere +organ--may have been in her earlier years exceeded in quality by many +other vocalists. But what is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower +tones forcible; the middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet +and rich beyond comparison. + +But how comes this? How has this moderately-good organ been brought to +such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst English +singers--practice the most constant, study the most unwearied. Punch will +bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that Miss Kemble has sung _more_ +while learning her art, than many old stagers while professing and +practising it. + +She seems, then,--as far as one may judge of that kind of perfection--a +perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what she likes with it, she can +sustain a note in any part of the soprano compass--swell, diminish, and +keep it exactly to the same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can +burst forth a torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions, +without losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in +_sotto voce_, as distinct as it is thrilling and true intonation. + +Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies to devote +to her acting; which, in _Norma_, has all the elements of tragic +dignity--all the tenderness of natural feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble +is a mistress of every branch of her art; and we can now say, what we have +so seldom had an opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses +a singer who is also an actress and musician! + +The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or somebody +else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, they +condescended to act--to perform--to pretend to be what they are meant for! +Never was so efficient, so well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard +or seen before on the English stage. The chorus-master deserves +everybody's, and has our own, especial commendations. + + * * * * * + +NINA SFORZA. + +A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in exactly the +same number of titles--namely, "R. Zouch S. Troughton, Esquire"--made its +appearance for Miss H. Fancit's benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket. + +The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has been +strictly followed in "Nina Sforza." _Raphael Doria_, the heir-apparent to +the dukedom of Genoa, is a man about town in Venice--is accompanied, on +most occasions, by a faithful friend and a false one--saves the heroine +from drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or +rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, as +usual, loved by the villain--a regular thorough-paced Mephistopheles of +the Surrey or Sadler's Wells genus. These ingredients, having been +carefully compounded in the first act, are--quite _selon les +regles_--allowed to simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in +the fifth. Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively +productions that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy, +and Francklin were Melpomene's head-cooks. + +Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the hashes of +the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, by giving to the +stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as to bring out his savagery +in bolder relief. He is also invested with an unaccountable influence over +the hero, who can on no account be made to see his bare and open treachery +till about the middle of the fifth act, when the dupe's eyes must be +opened in time for the catastrophe. + +These improvements have been carefully introduced into the present old new +tragedy. _Ugone Spinola_ is the presiding genius of _Doria's_ woes: and +dogs him about for the pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished +epicure in revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage +_gout_ all through; but particularly towards the end of the play. This +taste was, it seems, first acquired in consequence of a feud that formerly +existed between _Doria's_ family and his own, in which his side came off +so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all the rest +having been murdered by _Doria_ and his father's faction. From such deadly +foes, it may be observed, that tragic heroes always select their most +trusted friends. + +_Doria's_ father dies, and _Nina's_ consents to his marriage; so that we +see them, at the opening of the third act, the picture of connubial bliss, +in a garden belonging to the Duke's palace at Genoa, exchanging sentiments +which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were quite intelligible. +A great deal is said about genius being like love; which gives rise to a +simile touching a rose-bud in a poor poet's window, and other +incoherencies quite natural for persons to utter who are supposed to be in +love. This peaceful scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the +Prince goes to fight the Florentines. + +The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the Genoese +halting near their city after a victory. _Doria_, who in the first act has +been represented to us as an exceedingly gay young fellow, is here +described as indulging, in his tent, his old propensities; having brought +away, with other trophies, a fair Florentine, who is diverting him with +her guitar at that moment. This is excellent news for _Spinola_; the more +so as we are soon made to understand that _Nina_, being impatient of her +husband's return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and discovers the fair +Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, and her spouse in the midst +of his raptures thereat. + +A scene follows, in which _Spinola_, as a new edition of Iago, and _Nina_, +in the form of a female Othello, get scope for a great variety of that +kind of acting which performers call "effective." The wife--in this scene +really well-drawn--will not believe Doria's falsehood, in spite of strong +circumstantial evidence. _Spinola_ offers to strengthen it; and the last +scene of this act--the fourth--presents a highly melo-dramatic situation. +It is a street scene; and _Spinola_ has brought _Nina_ to watch her +husband into her rival's house. She sees him approach it--he wavers--she +hopes he will pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of +course she swoons and falls. So does the act drop. + +The entire business of the last act is to bring about the catastrophe; +and, as not one step towards it has been previously taken, there is no +time to lose. _Spinola_, therefore, is made not to mince the matter, but +to come boldly on at once, with a bottle of poison! This he blandly +insinuates to _Nina_ might be used with great effect upon her husband, so +as effectually to put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair +Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such use; +but, nevertheless, honours _Spinola_'s draught, by accepting it. The +villain expresses himself extremely grateful for her condescension, and +exits, to make way for _Doria_. + +Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done something +exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with remorse and a +certain white powder which is the stage specific for pallor. The lady +complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly advises her to go to +bed. She replies, that she has a cordial within which will soon restore +her, and entreats her beloved lord to administer the potion with his own +dear hand; he consents--and they both retire, and the audience shudders, +because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the dose, of +which _Spinola_ has been the dispensing chemist. + +And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the subject of the +dramatic _Materia Medica_, and _poison-ology_. The sleeping draughts of +the stage are, for example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of +chemical perfection. When taken--even if the patient be ever so well +shaken--nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after the cue for +his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting up, have been +given; while it never allows him to dose an instant longer than the plot +of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; there are some which kill the +taker dead on the spot, like a fly in a bottle of prussic acid; others, +which--swallowed with a sort of time-bargain--are warranted to do the +business within a few seconds of so many hours hence; others again there +are (particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant +torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound (always +administered to such characters as _Nina Sforza_) are peculiarly mild in +their operation--no stomach-ache--no contortions--but still effectual. + +The contents of the phial given to _Nina_ by _Spinola_ are compounded of +the second and fourth of these _formulae_. The drink, though deadly, is +guaranteed to be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted +to operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty of +time to die, and to make her go off in great physical comfort. + +_Nina_ has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar desire to die at home, +orders a "trusty page" to provide horses for herself and attendant +secretly, at the northern gate, that she may return to her native Venice. +With this determination we lose sight of her. + +_Doria_ is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so early that they +seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, to which the Italian +hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears an obstinate resemblance. +The Prince discovers his wife has fled, and orders his _chasseurs_ to +divert their attention from the game they had purposed to ride to cover +for, and to hunt up the missing _Nina_. + +"In the deep recesses of a wood" _Spinola_ and _Doria_ meet, the latter +having, by some instinct, found out his _pseudo_-friend's treachery; of +course they fight: _Doria_ falls; but _Spinola_ is too great a glutton in +revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife's death, so, after gloating +over his prostrate enemy, and poking him about with his rapier for several +minutes, all he does is to steal his sword; this being found upon him by +some of the hunters, who meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has +killed _Doria_, and so kill him. Thus, _Spinola_ being disposed of, there +are only two more that are left to die. + +In her flight _Nina_ has been taken unwell--with the poison--just in that +part of the forest where her spouse is left, by his enemy, in a swoon. +They meet, and she dies in his arms. Two being now defunct, only one +remains; but there is some difficulty in getting rid of _Doria_, for he is +(as is always the case when a stage _felo-de-se_ impends) unprovided with +a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend _D'Estala_, he engages him in +talk, and, with the dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs +himself. All the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go +on, and the curtain drops. + +A word or two on the merits of _Nina Sforza_. There are two classes of +dramatists who are just now contending for fame--those who cannot get +their plays acted because they are not dramatic, and those who can, +because their pieces are _merely_ dramatic. Mr.--we beg pardon, R. Zouch +S. Troughton, Esquire,--belongs to the latter class. He is evidently well +acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows all about +"situation"--that is, sacrificing nature to startling effect. His language +is essentially dramatic, and only fails where it aims at being poetical. +His characters, too, are not drawn from life, from nature, but are +copied--and cleverly copied--from other characters that strut about in the +"stock" tragedies of Rowe _et hoc genus_. The fable, or plot, is +deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, pervading incident to +excite, and keep up a progressive interest. With every new act a new +circumstance arises, which, though it is in some instances (especially in +the fourth act) conducted with great skill, yet the interest it produces +is not sustained, being made to give place to the author's succeeding +effort to get up a new "situation" by a new incident. Though the tragedy +possesses little originality, it will, from its melo-dramatic and exciting +character, be most likely a very successful one. Besides, it is very well +acted, by Miss Faucit, Wallack, and Macready, as _Spinola_; which, being a +most unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an actor +as Macready. + +The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because he has +taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective on, the +stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study nature, and +put men and women upon the stage that act and speak like real mortals, we +may safely predict an honourable dramatic career for Mr. ----; but our +space is limited, and we can't afford enough of it to print his names a +third time. + + * * * * * + +THE QUADROON SLAVE. + +A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much wanted on +the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that "The Slave" _par excellence_, +in spite of the brothers _Sharpset_ and Bishop's music, ceases to +interest. The woes of "Gambia" have been turned into ridicule by the +capers of "Jim Crow," and the twin pleasantries of "Jim along Josey." +Since the moral British public gave away twenty millions to emancipate the +black population, and to raise the price of brown sugars, they are not +nearly so sweet upon the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now +Caesar being "massa-pated, him no work--dam if he do!" + +To meet this dramatic exigency, the "Quadroon Slave" has been produced. It +may be classed as an argumentative drama; carried on with that stage logic +which always makes the heroine get the best of it. The emancipation side +of the question is supported by _Julie_, ably backed by _Vincent St. +George_, but opposed by _Alfred Pelham_; and the lingual combatants rush +_in medias res_ at the very rising of the curtain--the "house," +immediately taking sides, vehemently applauding the arguments of their +respective favourites. _Vincent St. George_--ably entrusted to that +interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster--opened the discussion by protesting +against the flogging system, especially as applied to females. _Alfred +Pelham_ answered him; the reply being taken up by the heroine _Julie_ in +broken French, because she is personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of +parties as here developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a +quadroon, is on the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and +openly resents the tender advances of her ally. "Call ye this backing of +your friends?" _Vincent St. George_, disgusted at such gross +tergiversation, flies entirely away from the point at issue, and applies +those remarks to _Julie_ which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to +utter in such cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he +challenges him--unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by +engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of +duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of "question!" "question!" from +the audience. + +This brings _Vincent_ back to the point, and with a vengeance! Like a +great many other orators on the liberal side of the black question, he is +a slave-owner himself, having--as his "attorney" _Vipper_ is careful to +tell us--no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, before +he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he might--one cannot +help thinking--have had the decency--_like Saint Fowell Buxton_--to _sell_ +his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court with clean hands. But +so far from doing so, _Vipper_ having discovered that _Julie_ is a +run-away slave from _Vincent's_ estate, just as she is ending the first +act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the second act +to claim her! + +Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of +affairs--_Vincent_ insisting, as _liberals_ so often do, upon his vested +rights in _Julie_ as opposed to _Pelham's_ matrimonial ones--though the +heroine renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the +rivals--though she rushes upon a parapet to commit suicide--though she is +saved, and at length succeeds by force of mere argument to get her +new-found master to give her up to her husband; yet this second act was +somewhat dull; insomuch that the audience did not seem to regret when the +curtain dropped the subject, and announced their own emancipation from the +theatre. + +Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a _Telemachus +Hearty_, who, further than skipping about the stage, talking very fast, +and making himself not altogether disagreeable, had no more to do with the +piece than his namesake, or Fenelon Archbishop of Cambray himself. + +This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage--to turn as it were the +theatre into a debating society--will certainly not succeed. +Audiences--especially Haymarket ones--have a taste for being amused rather +than reasoned with; besides, those on that side of the question which the +author chooses shall be the weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators +get the upper hand, without having a chance of answering them. Even +dancing is preferred by them to didactics, though it be + +[Illustration: A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.] + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 6, 1841,, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14935.txt or 14935.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14935/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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