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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 16, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14932]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRADE REPORT.
+
+(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.)
+
+[Illustration: T]The market has been in a most extraordinary state all the
+morning. Our first advices informed us that feathers were getting very
+heavy, and that lead was a great deal brisker than usual. In the
+fish-market, flounders were not so flat as they had been, and, to the
+surprise of every one, were coming round rapidly.
+
+The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a smoothness to the
+transactions of the day, which had a visible effect on business. Every
+species of fats were in high demand, but the glut of mutton gave a
+temporary check to the general facility of the ordinary operations.
+
+The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having caused an
+unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of a parish union,
+gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, which had been
+exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning.
+
+We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who is up to
+every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that the flouring
+system must soon prove the destruction of fair and fowl commerce. We do
+not wish to be premature, but our informant is a person in whom we place
+the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there is every reason why we should
+depend upon so respectable an authority.
+
+Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, and even
+that was not in a dealer's hands, but was being used by a basket-woman,
+who was darning a stocking. After this, who can be surprised at the
+stoppage of the factories?
+
+Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, seemed to be
+merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a view to future
+dealings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.
+
+The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is confined
+to the investigation of the materials which compose this terrestrial
+globe;--in its more extended signification, it relates, also, to the
+examination of the different layers or strata of society, as they are to
+be met with in the world.
+
+Society is divided into three great strata, called High Life--Middle
+Life--and Low Life. Each of these strata contains several classes, which
+have been ranged in the following order, descending from the highest to
+the lowest--that is, from the drawing-room of St. James's to the cellar in
+St. Giles's.
+
+     _            _
+    |            |               ST. JAMES'S SERIES.
+  H |            | People wearing coronets.
+  i |  Superior__| People related to coronets.
+  g |   Class.   | People having no coronet, but who expect to get one.
+  h |            | People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a
+   -|            |   carriage.
+  L |            |_
+  i |             _
+  f |            |                   SECONDARY.
+  e |            |            (_Russell-square group._)
+    |            | People who keep a carriage, but are silent
+    |_           |   respecting their grandfathers.
+     _           | People who give dinners to the superior series.
+    |            | People who talk of the four per cents, and are
+    |            |   suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern
+  M | Transition_|   in the City.
+  i |   Class.   |
+  d |            |                (_Clapham group._)
+  d |            | People who "confess the Cape," and say, that though
+  l |            |   Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in
+  e |            |   Fenchurch-street, he needn't do it if he didn't
+   -|            |   like.
+  L |            | People who keep a shop "concern" and a one-horse
+  i |            |   shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the
+  f |            |_  dog-days.
+  e |             _
+    |            | People who keep a "concern," but no shay, do the
+    |            |   genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn
+    |            |   occasions.
+    |            | People, known as "shabby-genteels," who prefer
+    |Metamorphic |   walking to riding, and study Kidd's "How to live
+    |_  class. __|   on a hundred a-year."
+     _           |
+  L |            |                  INFERIOR SERIES.
+  o |            |               (_Whitechapel group._)
+  w |            | People who dine at one o'clock, and drink stout out
+    |            |_  of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens.
+  L-|             _
+  i |            | People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in
+  f | Primitive__|   pleasure "wans" to Richmond on Sundays in summer.
+  e | Formation. |
+    |            |               (_St. Giles's group._)
+    |_           |_Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties.
+
+It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great
+divisions of society, namely, _High Life, Low Life_, and _Middle Life_,
+are subdivided, or more properly, sub-classed, into the Superior,
+Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social
+scale is the Primitive Formation--which may be described as the basis and
+support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be
+distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they
+effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the
+_St. Giles's Group_--(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found
+only in the great London basin)--and that portion of the Whitechapel group
+whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure 'wans' to Richmond on
+Sundays. In man's economy the _St. Giles's Group_ are exceedingly
+important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where
+their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in
+order is the Metamorphic class--so called, because of the singular
+metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their
+common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the _St.
+Giles's Group_, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured
+surface, with bright buttons and a shining "four-and-nine"--goss. This
+class includes the upper portion of the _Whitechapel Group_, and the two
+lower strata of the _Clapham Group_. The _Whitechapel Group_ is the most
+elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies
+a wide extent on the Surrey side of the water--it is part of the _Clapham
+Group_, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of
+Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to
+be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary
+formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remains--a great
+variety of miscellaneous articles--such as watches, rings, and silk
+waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are
+technically termed _avuncular depositories_. The deposition of these
+matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most
+general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on
+some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his
+wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left
+amongst an accumulation of "popped" articles from various districts. The
+chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves,
+but from their _duplicates_, which afford the most satisfactory proof of
+the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally
+to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been
+frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal-green
+and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to
+such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest
+geologists. Immediately above the "shabby genteel" stratum are found the
+people who "keep a shop concern, but no shay;" it is the uppermost layer
+of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling
+with the supra-genteel _Clapham Group_. The "shop and no shay" stratum
+forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by
+its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech.
+Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and
+obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation,
+separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing
+strata of thick double Witneys.
+
+Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause
+until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the
+TRANSITION CLASS--the "shop and shay people"--and, as we hope, convince
+our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great
+advantage of studying the strata of human life
+
+[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION.
+
+Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the
+Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an
+unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off;
+upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and
+composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:--
+
+  I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds
+    The gentle ass has slain;
+  For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds,
+    It seems a warning plain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA.
+
+It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the
+British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China,
+who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN.
+
+There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his
+dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+POOR JACK.
+
+A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four
+hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only
+drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his
+prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that
+he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending
+his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the
+long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but
+even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired
+object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of
+brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches,
+fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his
+wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the
+boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash
+scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a
+sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether.
+An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at
+the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned
+upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with
+the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so
+easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a
+cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the
+dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the
+coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat.
+
+These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be
+met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of
+Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most
+remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about
+the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside
+which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of
+some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small
+model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's
+(God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor
+lost his blessed limb."
+
+Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his
+baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his
+species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which
+he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and
+with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence
+will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's
+songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete
+repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom
+Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with
+"Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite
+pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he
+always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his
+auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments.
+
+Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed
+babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack
+commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and
+the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune
+sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging
+into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;--
+
+  "Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder--
+    The rain a deluge pours--
+  Our sails were split asunder,
+    By lightning's vivid pow'rs.
+
+"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you,
+master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman,
+Polly--
+
+  "The night both drear and dark,
+  Our poor desarted bark,
+  There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!)
+
+  "There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack,
+          and his little Polly--till next day,
+  In the Bay of Biscay O."
+
+"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his
+voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took
+to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three
+thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by
+Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's
+black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have
+potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of
+way, my lady--
+
+  "Come all you jolly sailors bold,
+  Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould,
+  While British valour I unfold--
+            Huzza! for the Arethusa!
+  She was a frigate stout and brave
+  As ever stemm'd the dashing wave--
+
+"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled
+for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour,
+how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little
+Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in
+with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour,
+that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with
+hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes
+to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance
+ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing--
+
+      "My name d'ye see's Tom Tough,
+        And I've seen a little sarvice,
+  Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow,
+      I've sail'd with noble Howe,
+        And I've fought with gallant Jarvis,
+  And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!"
+
+"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent
+tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the
+coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other
+port, singing lustily as he goes--
+
+  "Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!"
+
+Farewell, POOR JACK!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES!
+
+Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the
+indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it
+seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the
+duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable
+views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera
+glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire
+the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be
+the last place we should select, if we were
+
+[Illustration: GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PROSPECTUS
+
+OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT,
+AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY.
+
+CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS,
+
+IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT,
+
+
+THE DIRECTORS
+
+To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the
+various Metropolitan hospitals.
+
+
+ACTING SECRETARIES,
+
+The County Coroners.
+
+By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be
+divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them.
+
+The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage
+(so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and
+the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation
+Assurance Company."
+
+The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of
+the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:--
+
+CLASS I.
+
+Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly
+hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:--
+
+                                                PER CENT.
+    Engineer, first six months, total life  .......   90
+    Legs, at per each  ............................   74
+    Arms, ditto ditto  ............................   60
+    Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ...   55
+    Dislocations and contusions, per score  .......   50
+
+N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six
+months.
+
+First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of
+all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be
+charged as above.
+
+STOKERS.
+
+Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains
+have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds
+are not included.
+
+_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just
+appointed.
+
+SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS.
+
+In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed
+together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing
+those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit
+to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for
+effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first
+class.
+
+To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station
+to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the
+insurers paying down the premium at starting:--
+
+                                                                £  s.   d.
+First Class, leg  ............................................  1  11   6
+Second ditto ditto  ..........................................  1   7   9
+First class, arm  ............................................  1   0   0
+Second ditto ditto  ..........................................  0  14   3
+First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass)  0   8   9
+Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames)  0   6   4
+First Class, teeth each  .....................................  0   0   9
+Whole set  ...................................................  1   1   0
+Second Class, ditto  .........................................  0   0   4-3/4
+Whole set.....................................................  0  12   2
+Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with
+    name and address, First Class.............................  5   5   0
+Second ditto..................................................  3   3   4
+
+In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company
+pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches,
+contusions, &c., &c.
+
+All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of
+the individual.
+
+A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping,
+bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister.
+
+Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental
+tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption.
+
+Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the
+New Highgate Cemetery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOTHING NEW.
+
+  The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves,
+  For every one knows they take care of themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
+
+The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the
+elegant acquirements of the various _attachés_ of the new Tory premier.
+The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to
+secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must
+convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of
+drawing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION.
+
+None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of
+their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned
+chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of
+business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three
+months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for
+bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will
+be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are
+told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will
+they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great
+measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's
+exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye
+thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and
+bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies
+you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The
+ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine
+sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection
+that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden!
+But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN
+BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your
+tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being
+fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign
+Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This
+important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House,
+and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows
+the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in
+the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_
+Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious
+privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never
+expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in
+this happy land, but law--never!
+
+Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Albert's
+stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged,
+ay, and fed; and the people--the creatures whom God made after his own
+image--the poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie
+down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses
+are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the
+great crowning work of Ministers--the Queen's speech on the Prorogation of
+the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that
+profound logical deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was
+deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether
+without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old
+song--the burthen of it was clearly--
+
+[Illustration: DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM!
+
+MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher
+upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied
+the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes
+actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. "Heavy,"
+retorted Silk, "nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is
+that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an
+obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings,
+
+[Illustration: "THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER.
+
+Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute necessity
+involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness as the reduction
+of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of epistolatory correspondence.
+Some great key-stone to this abstruse science--some accurate data from
+which all sorts and conditions of people may at once receive instruction
+and assistance, has been long wanting.
+
+Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great classes, viz.:
+those who write to ask favours, and those who write to refuse them. There
+is a vague notion extant, that in former days a third genus
+existed--though by no means proportionate to the other two--they were
+those who wrote "to grant favours;" these were also remarkable for
+enclosing remittances and paying the double postage--at least, so we are
+assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them and
+their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction that the race
+has been long extinct.
+
+Those who write to ask, may be divided into--
+
+    1.--Creditors.
+    2.--Constituents.
+    3.--Sons.
+    4.--Daughters.
+    5.--Their offspring.
+    6.--Nephews, nieces.
+    7.--Indistinct cousins, and
+    8.--Unknown, dear, and intimate friends.
+
+Those who write to refuse, are
+
+    1.--Debtors.
+    2.--Members of Parliament
+    3.--Fathers.
+    4.--Mothers.
+    5.--Their kin.
+    6.--Uncles.
+    7.--Aunts.
+    8.--Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, who
+        will do anything but what the askers want.
+
+We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the above
+parties by laying before them the proper formulæ for their respective
+purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is composed of two great
+classes, which, though they run into various ramifications, still retain
+their original distinguishing characteristics--namely, that of being
+either "debtors" or "creditors"--we will give the general information
+necessary for the construction of their future effusions.
+
+(Firstly.)
+
+From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right honourable, being a
+debtor.
+
+_Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841_.
+
+MY LORD,--I have done myself the honour of forwarding your lordship a
+splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it will be approved of
+by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your lordship's small account, the
+payment of which will be most acceptable to your lordship's most
+
+Obedient very humble servant,
+
+GILBERT GRIPES.
+
+
+THE ANSWER TO THE SAME.
+
+The sample is tolerable--send in thirty dozen--add them to your
+account--and let my steward have them punctually on December 17, 1849.
+
+BOSKEY.
+
+P.S.--I expect you'll allow discount.
+
+
+(Secondly.)
+
+From a creditor, being a "victim," "schneider," "sufferer," or "tailor,"
+to one who sets off his wares by wearing the same, being consequently a
+debtor.
+
+HONOURED SIR,--I can scarcely express my delight at your kind compliments
+as to the fit and patterns of the last seventy-three summer waistcoats;
+the rest of the order is in hand. I enclose a small account of 490l. odd,
+which will just meet a heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by
+return of post, to your obliged and devoted
+
+Humble servant,
+
+ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH.
+
+P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c.
+
+
+ANSWER TO THE SAME
+
+_Albany_.
+
+You be d--d, _Backstitch_.
+
+PENTWISTLE PINK.
+
+
+(Thirdly.)
+
+From a constituent in the country, being a creditor "upon promises," to a
+returned member of Parliament in town.
+
+_Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841_.
+
+DEAR SIR,--The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble individual) and the
+immense body of your enraptured constituents felt upon reading your truly
+patriotic, statesman-like, learned, straightforward and consistent speech,
+may be conceived by a person of your immense parliamentary imagination,
+but cannot be expressed by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my
+trifling exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly
+recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the earnest
+wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of being near such a
+representative, which alone induces him to accept the situation of
+landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his preparing for.  You will, I
+am sure, be happy to learn, the last baby, as you desired is christened
+after:--"the country's, the people's, nay, the world's member!"
+
+Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever your staunch
+supporter and admirer,
+
+FUNK FLAT.
+
+To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P.
+
+
+(Fourthly.)
+
+ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P.
+
+_St. Stephen's_.
+
+DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,--I am more than happy. My return for your
+borough has satisfied _you_, my country, and myself! What can I say more?
+Pray give both my names to the dear innocent. Be careful in the spelling,
+two "M's" in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and
+immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every point
+of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you _soon_--you cannot
+TOO SOON--and believe me,
+
+My dear Funk, yours ever,
+
+GRIPE GAMMON.
+
+Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.
+
+
+(Fifthly.)
+
+FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER).
+
+_Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841_.
+
+MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,--All's right, the two _M's_ are in _their_
+places, when will Joe be in _his?_ I know your heart; pray excuse my
+earnestness, but oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near
+so kind, so dear, so sincere a friend.
+
+More devotedly than ever yours,
+
+FUNK FLAT
+
+G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c.
+
+
+(Sixthly.)
+
+ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE.
+
+_St. Stephen's_.
+
+How can I express my feelings? _My_ name, _mine_ engrafted on the innocent
+offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, evermore to be by them and their
+heirs handed down to posterity! How I rejoice at that circumstance, and
+the intelligence I have so happily received about the wretched situation
+you speak of. Fancy, Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of
+rashness, I meant to succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible
+disorder attendant upon the duties of those d--d landing-waiterships. What
+an escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so there's no
+fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever,
+
+Your sincere and much relieved friend,
+
+GRIPE GAMMON.
+
+To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.
+
+
+From this time forward the correspondence, like "Irish reciprocity," is
+"all on one side." It generally consists of four-and-twenty letters from
+the constituent in the country to the returned member in town. As these
+are _never opened_, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a
+_blank sheet of paper_.
+
+
+(Seventhly.)
+
+FROM SONS TO FATHERS.
+
+(Several.)
+
+DEAR FATHER,--Studies continued--(blot)--profession--future
+hopes--application--increased expenses--irate landlady--small
+remittance--duty--love--say twenty-five pounds--best wishes--sister,
+mother, all at home.
+
+Dutiful son,
+
+JOHN JOSKIN.
+
+
+(Eighthly.)
+
+ANSWER TO THE SAME.
+
+Delighted--assiduity--future fortune--great profession!--Increase of
+family--no cash--best prayers, sister, mother.
+
+_Loving father!_
+
+JOSKIN, SEN.
+
+
+N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is good for
+all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in letter of asker.
+Strong dose of oaths in refuser's answer.
+
+
+(Ninthly.)
+
+FROM "DEAR AND INTIMATE" TO A "DITTO DITTO."
+
+_Brighton_.
+
+MY DEAR TOM,--How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy as a prince;
+that is, I should be if you were with me. You know when we first met! what
+a time it was! do you remember? How the old times come back, and really
+almost the same circumstances! Pray do you recollect I wanted one hundred
+and fifty then? isn't it droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it
+yourself.
+
+Ever yours.
+
+FITZBROWN SMITH.
+
+T. Tims, Esq.
+
+
+(Tenthly.)
+
+ANSWER FROM "THE DITTO DITTO" TO "THE DITTO DITTO."
+
+OLD FELLOW,--Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you joy--wish I was with
+you, but can't come. Damn the last Derby--regularly stump'd--cleaned
+out--and done Brown!--not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I
+am. Here's your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my Opera-box and
+a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French hazard.
+
+Ever, your most devoted friend,
+
+T. TIMS.
+
+F. Smith, Esq.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER.
+
+A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL.
+
+At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the year of
+grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving
+barber. His industry met with due encouragement from the bearded portion
+of the community; and the softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness,
+generally selected Hans for the honour of new-fronting them, when they had
+grown tired of the ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had
+frosted.
+
+Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old burghers
+foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a misfortune, which
+promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave him a beggar. He fell in
+love.
+
+Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all
+remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their patience
+and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter saw the flies
+of summer scattered on his show-board.
+
+Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes were as
+blue as a summer's sky, her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her
+teeth as white as winter's snow. Her hair was a beautiful flaxen--not a
+_drab_--but that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of
+old were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in _alt_
+were equal to Grisi's: in short, she would have been a very desirable,
+loveable young lady, if she had not been a coquette.
+
+Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise of the
+burgomaster's second wife--I beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his
+union with his third bride. From that day Hans was a lost barber.
+Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, weaving, or powdering, he thought of
+nothing but Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward
+predicaments. And Agnes--what thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing,
+except that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable
+garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, after
+sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of his remaining
+stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The measure had
+been taken by the tailor, the garments had been basted and tried on, and
+Hans was standing at his door in a state of feverish excitement, awaiting
+their arrival in a completed condition (as there was to be _fête_ on the
+morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested to be
+shaved. Hans wished him at the ---- next barber's; but there was something
+so unpleasantly positive in the visitor's appearance, that he had not the
+power to object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed
+his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each side of
+his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans commenced
+operations--the lather dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor
+emitted small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the stranger's
+chin, Hans felt particularly uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto
+passed on either side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather
+abruptly, "Have you any schnapps in the house?" Hans jumped like a parched
+pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and opened the
+cupboard. "I never take anything stronger than water," said Hans, in
+reply, to the "pshaw!" which broke from the stranger's lips as he smelt at
+the contents of a little brown pitcher. "More fool you," replied his
+customer. "Here taste that--some of the richest grape-blood of Rheingau;"
+and he handed Hans a small flask, which the sober barber respectfully
+declined. "Ha! ha! and yet you hope to thrive with the women," said the
+stranger. "No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But drink, man!
+drink!"
+
+The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair,
+hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his finger briskly
+down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and then he
+puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the shop coughed aloud. The
+uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked towards the door with the most
+cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in
+at them. "Ha! how are you?" said the stranger; "come in! come in!" and to
+Hans' horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the shop. Hans felt
+scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he
+encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister
+expression, he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels seated
+herself upon the stranger's knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly
+to the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and blinks,
+and "wreathed smiles."
+
+"'Sblitzen!" exclaimed the lady, "the man's an icicle!"
+
+"Hans, you're a fool!" said the stranger; and his enamorata concurred in
+the opinion. The flask was again proffered--the eye-artillery again
+brought into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes
+Flirtitz.
+
+The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head ornaments, as
+though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the
+barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies out. As he stood with
+one foot on the step of the door, he turned his head scornfully over his
+shoulder, and said, "Hans, you are nothing but--a barber; but before I
+eat, you shall repent of your present determination."
+
+"What security have I that you will keep your word?" replied Hans, who
+felt emboldened by the outside situation of his customer, and the shop
+poker, of which he had obtained possession.
+
+"The best in the world," said the stranger. "Here, take these!" and
+placing both rows of his teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he
+quietly walked up the street with the ladies.
+
+The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the tailor,
+entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. The stranger
+was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried on, and they fitted
+to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held in
+every direction by the delighted tailor, who declared this performance his
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he
+looked like a gentleman. Without a moment's hesitation, or the slightest
+hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last thaler, and
+his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook Stitz's hand at parting,
+till every bone of the tailor's fingers ached for an hour afterwards,
+bolted the door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in
+Stocksbawler.
+
+After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the oddest
+sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs
+lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; but attributing
+this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he proceeded to put on his
+pantaloons. With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper
+division, when, to his horror and amazement, he found that he had grown
+_two feet at least during the night_; and that the pantaloons which had
+fitted so admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the
+window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the street,
+when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the preceding day, who was
+leaning against the gable-end of the house opposite, quietly smoking his
+meerschaum. Hans paused; then thought, and then concluded that having
+found an appetite, he had repented of his boast at parting, and had called
+for his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and
+opening the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the
+summons, but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the
+conditions of the wager. To Hans' great surprise he seemed perfectly
+acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and good-naturedly
+offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the barber's dilemma. The
+stranger departed, and in a few moments the tailor arrived, and having
+ascertained by his inch measure the truth of Hans' conjectures, bade him
+be of good cheer, as he had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him.
+They had been made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to
+call for them, or suspected that Stitz would require the _gelt_ before he
+gave up the broadcloth.
+
+The tailor was right--they did fit--and in an hour afterwards Hans was on
+his way to the _fête_. When he arrived there many of his old friends stood
+agape for a few moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany
+than a man growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the
+alteration in Hans' appearance. Agnes was evidently struck with the
+improvement of the barber's figure, and for two whole hours did he enjoy
+the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen other young gentlemen
+miserable, by monopolising the arm and conversation of the beauty of
+Stocksbawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as
+Hans and Agnes turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the
+stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his heart
+seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, he found
+that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the garment of
+the giant hung about him in anything but graceful festoons. He felt that
+he was a human telescope, that some infernal power could elongate or shut
+up at pleasure.
+
+The whole band of jealous rivals set up the "Laughing Chorus," and Agnes,
+in the extremity of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly
+fractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the scene of his disgrace,
+and never stopped running until he opened the door of his little shop,
+threw himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon an old "family
+Bible" which chanced to be upon the table. In this position he continued
+for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his tormentor and the
+two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the centre of the apartment.
+
+"Well, Scrapshins," said the gentleman, "I have called for my teeth. You
+see I have kept my promise." Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled.
+
+"Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the flask--forget Agnes, and
+console yourself with the love of"--
+
+The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; for Hans,
+at this moment, took up the family volume which had served him for a
+pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A scream, so loud that it
+broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed to issue from them
+simultaneously--a thick vapour filled the room, which gradually cleared
+off, and left no traces of Hans' visitors but three small sticks of stone
+brimstone. The truth flashed upon the barber--his visitor was the
+far-famed Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor,
+strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon
+Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a
+thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of Stocksbawler.
+Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a father; but the
+coquette who had nearly been his ruin had eloped with the _chasseur_ of a
+travelling nobleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY.
+
+Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. Farr's "Medical
+Guide to Nice," and is much disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of
+the eternally-talked of "_Nice_ Young Man," in the costume of the country.
+He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, for his remarks
+show him not to have been "over _Nice_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COOMBE'S LUNGS AND LEARNING.
+
+Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical process,
+invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. Our and
+Finsbury's friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his opinion, this must be
+the origin of the received expression for the mighty savans, viz., the
+"lights of literature."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.--PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES.
+
+Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons should have
+happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is prorogued. Now,
+deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his train of apothecaries and
+pestle-and-mortar apprentices, who, until February next, are to sit
+cross-legged and try to think, there are at least six hundred and thirty
+unemployed members of the House of Commons, turned upon the world with
+nothing, poor fellows! but grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick
+their teeth, in the Gardens of the Tuileries--some may even now venture to
+exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,--but with every possible
+and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of unemployed
+law-makers, to whom time will be a heavy porter's burden.
+
+We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon us the
+gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make all Members of
+Parliament, for once in their lives at least, useful. The masons, hired to
+build the new temples of Parliament, have struck. The hard-handed
+ingrates,--let them go! We propose that, during the prorogation at least,
+Members of Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a
+word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be compelled,
+like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before he could sit down
+upon it.
+
+Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the task, in the
+habits of what in our human arrogance we call the lower animals? There is
+many a respectable spider who would justly feel himself calumniated by any
+comparison between him and any one of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we
+_could_ name; yet the spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of
+refuge from the Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny
+insect, the ant--that living, silent monitor to unregarding men--doth it
+not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own abiding place?
+Does not the mole scratch its own chamber--the carrion kite build its own
+nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of Parliament alone be lodged at others'
+pains?
+
+Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of paper.--(it is said, on
+wasp's paper you are wont to write your thoughts on Ireland)--and
+resolutely seize a trowel!
+
+Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its virgin
+wax, how it shapes its luscious cone--and though we would not trust you to
+place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you may, under instruction, mix
+the mortar!
+
+Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETT--see how craftily it
+makes its hole--and though you are too age-stricken to carry a hod, you
+may at least do this much--sift the lime.
+
+But wherefore thus particular--why should we dwell on individuals?
+Pole-cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your vermin affinities, come
+forth, and staring reproachfully in the faces of all prorogued Members,
+bid them imitate your zeal and pains, and--the masons having struck--build
+their Houses for themselves.
+
+(We make this proposal in no thoughtless--no bantering spirit. He can see
+very little into the most transparent mill-stone who believes that we pen
+these essays--essays that will endure and glisten as long, ay as long as
+the freshest mackerel--if he think that we sit down to this our weekly
+labour in a careless lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON
+BULWER, when he girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we
+approach our work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always
+dress for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote
+"Richelieu" in a harlequin's jacket (sticking pirate's pistols in his
+belt, ere he valorously _took_ whole scenes from a French melo-drama):
+_we_ penned our last week's essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a
+tie-wig askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a
+court-suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers crisped, and
+a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having subsided into our
+chair--it is in most respects like the porphyry piece of furniture of the
+Pope--and our housekeeper having played the Dead March in Saul on our
+chamber organ (BULWER wrote "The Sea Captain" to the preludizing of a
+Jew's-harp), we enter on our this week's labour. We state thus much, that
+our readers may know with what pains we prepare ourselves for them.
+Besides, when BULWER thinks it right that the world should know that the
+idea of "La Vailière" first hit him in the rotonde of a French diligence,
+modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not be anxious to
+learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, when we scratch our
+head to assist the thought that sticks by the way, we displace a velvet
+cap or a Truefitt's scalp?)
+
+Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a line of
+it--the omission will not maim our argument. So to proceed.
+
+If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we shall find
+that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have exhibited the most
+extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And then their capacity of
+endurance! Arguments that would have knocked down any reasonable elephant
+have touched them no more than would summer gnats. Well, why not awake
+this sleeping strength? Why not divert a mischievous potency into
+beneficial action? Why should we confine a body of men to making laws,
+when so many of them might be more usefully employed in wheeling barrows?
+Now there is Mr. PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays
+respectable--would he not be working far more enduring utility with
+pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the flowing of
+the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not D'ISRAELI be turned into a very
+jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light interior work of both the
+Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will support nothing; but we think he
+would be a very smart hand at a hat-peg.
+
+As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier mechanics than Sir
+James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we remember their opinions on
+the Corn Laws, and see that they are a part of the cabinet which has
+already shown symptoms of some approaching alteration of the Bread
+Tax--when we consider their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is,
+and Sir Robert PEEL'S small, adventurous liberality, his half-bashful
+homage to the spirit of the age--sure we are that both GRAHAM and
+KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must be
+masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of men for the
+joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament.
+
+Again how many members from their long experience in the small jobbery of
+committees--from their profitable knowledge of the mysteries of private
+bills and certain other unclean work which may, if he please, fall to the
+lot of the English senator--how many of these lights of the times might
+build small monuments of their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain
+conveniences required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have
+seen the plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his
+taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and
+beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, dirty,
+winding ways of Parliament--reader, take a list of her Majesty's Commons,
+and running your finger down their names, pick us out three hundred
+able-bodied labourers--three hundred stalwart night workmen in darkness
+and corruption. We ask the country, need it care for the strike of Peto's
+men (the said Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from
+_Falstaff's_ retainer), when there is so much unemployed labour, hungering
+only for the country's good?
+
+We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the present
+Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we know that there
+are so few among them who can look upon more than _one side_ of a
+question, we own that the completion of the building may be considerably
+delayed by employing only members of Parliament as square workmen: the
+truth is, having never been accustomed to the operation, they will need
+considerable instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable,
+by habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a hod.
+
+We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether they ought
+not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of Peto and Grissell,
+with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they be not wholly insensible of
+the wants of the nation and of their own dignity, Monday morning's sun
+will shine upon every man of her Majesty's majority, for once laudably
+employed in the nation's good. How delightful then to saunter near the
+works--how charming then to listen to members of Parliament! What a
+picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by STANLEY, have we
+not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting saw? Instead of an oration
+from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill note of his ungreased parliamentary
+barrow? For the "hear, hear" of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of
+the hammer--for the "cheer" from INGLIS, the sweeter chink of the mason's
+chisel?
+
+And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen themselves!
+After six days' toil, there is scarcely one of them who will not feel
+himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants and feelings of labouring
+man. They will learn sympathy in the most efficient manner--by the sweat
+of their brow. Pleasant, indeed, 'twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his
+axe, and beg, with _Sly_, for "a pot of the smallest ale."
+
+Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the mason's strike--having shewn
+that the fitness of things calls upon the Commons, in the present dilemma,
+to build their own house--we should feel it unjust to the government not
+to acknowledge the good taste which, as we learn, has directed that an
+estimate be taken of the disposable space on the walls of the new
+buildings, to be devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter.
+Records of the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the
+walls of Parliament.
+
+This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and instructive,
+the greatest judgment must be exercised in the selection of subjects;
+which, for ourselves, we would have to illustrate the wisdom and
+benevolence of Parliament. How beautifully would several of the Duke of
+WELLINGTON'S speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing
+Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to his
+grace) famishing in England! And then the Duke's view of the shops of
+butchers, and poulterers, and bakers--all in the Dutch style--by which his
+grace has lately proved, that if there be distress, it can certainly not
+be for want of comestibles! But the theme is too suggestive to be carried
+out in a single paper.
+
+We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and GRAHAM,
+half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, will make pretty
+companion pictures.
+
+To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, Parliament will
+want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no other than the artist to
+PUNCH!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIV.
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+III.--OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT.
+
+For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers of the
+new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly chronicled
+every word that has fallen from the lips of every professor in his
+leviathan note book; and his desk teems with reports of all the hospital
+cases, from the burnt housemaid, all cotton-wool and white lead, who set
+herself on fire reading penny romances in bed, on one side of the
+hospital, to the tipsy glazier who bundled off his perch and spiked
+himself upon the area rails on the other. He becomes a walking chronicle
+of pathological statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the
+wards, imagines himself an embryo Hunter.
+
+To keep up his character, a new man ought perpetually to carry a
+stethoscope--a curious instrument, something like a sixpenny toy trumpet
+with its top knocked off, and used for the purpose of hearing what people
+are thinking about, or something of the kind. In the endeavour to acquire
+a perfect knowledge of its use he is indefatigable. There is scarcely a
+patient but he knows the exact state of their thoracic viscera, and he
+talks of enlarged semilunar valves, and thickened ventricles with an air
+of alarming confidence. And yet we rather doubt his skill upon this point;
+we never perceived anything more than a sound and a jog, something similar
+to what you hear in the cabin of a fourpenny steam-boat, and especially
+mistrusted the "metallic tinkling," and the noise resembling a
+blacksmith's bellows blowing into an empty quart-pot, which is called the
+_bruit de soufflet_. Take our word, when medicine arrives at such a pitch
+that the secrets of the human heart can be probed, it need not go any
+further, and will have the power of doing mischief enough.
+
+The new man does not enter much into society. He sometimes asks a few
+other juniors to his lodgings, and provides tea and shrimps, with
+occasional cold saveloys for their refection, and it is possible he may
+add some home-made wine to the banquet. Their conversation is exceedingly
+professional; and should they get slightly jocose, they retail anatomical
+paradoxes, technical puns, and legendary "catch questions," which from
+time immemorial have been the delight of all new men in general, and
+country ones in particular.
+
+But diligent and industrious as the new man may be, he is mortal after
+all, and being mortal, is not proof against temptation--at least, after
+five or six weeks of his pupilage have passed. The good St. Anthony
+resisted all the endeavours of the Evil One to lure him from the proper
+path, until the gentleman of the discoloured _cutis vera_ assumed the
+shape of a woman. The new man firmly withstands all inducements to
+irregularity until his first temptation appears in the form of the
+Cyder-cellars--the convivial Rubicon which it is absolutely necessary for
+him to pass before he can enrol himself as a member of the quiet,
+hard-working, modest fraternity of the Medical Student of our London
+Hospitals.
+
+_Facilis descensus Averni._--The steps that lead from Maiden-lane to the
+Cyder-cellars are easy of descent, although the return is sometimes
+attended with slight difficulty. Not that we wish to compare our favourite
+_souterrain_ in question to the "Avernus" of the Latin poet; oh, no! If
+Æneas had met with roast potatoes and stout during his celebrated voyage
+across the Styx to the infernal regions, and listened to songs and glees
+in place of the multitude of condemned souls, "horrendum stridens," we
+wager that he would have been in no very great hurry to return. But we
+have arrived at an important point in our physiology--the first launch of
+the new man into the ocean of his London life, and we pause upon its
+shore. He has but definite ideas of three public establishments at all
+intimately connected with his professional career--the Hall, the College,
+and the Cyder-cellars. There are but three individuals to whom he looks
+with feelings of deference--Mr. Sayer of Blackfriars, Mr. Belfour of
+Lincoln's-inn-fields, and Mr. Rhodes of Maiden-lane. These are the
+impersonation of the Fates--the arbitrators of his destinies.
+
+As it is customary that an attendance in the Theatre of Lectures should
+precede the student's determination to "have a shy at the College," or "go
+up to the Hall," so is it usual for a visit to one of the theatres to be
+paid before going down to the Cyder-cellars. The new man has been beguiled
+into the excursion by the exciting narratives of his companions, and
+beginning to feel that he is behind the other "chaps" (a new man's term)
+in knowledge of the world, he yields to the attraction held out; not
+because he at first thinks it will give him pleasure so to do, as because
+it will put him on a level with those who have been, on the same principle
+as our rambling compatriots go to Switzerland and the Rhine. His Mentor is
+ready in the shape of a third-season man, and under his protecting
+influence he sallies forth.
+
+The theatres have concluded; every carriage, cab, and "coach 'nhired" in
+their vicinity is in motion; venders of trotters and ham-sandwiches are in
+full cry; the bars of the proximate retail establishments are crowded with
+thirsty gods; ruddy chops and steaks are temptingly displayed in the
+windows of the supper-houses, and the turnips and carrots in the
+freshly-arrived market-carts appear astonished at the sudden confusion by
+which they are surrounded. Amidst this confusion the new man and his
+friends arrive beneath the beacon which illumines the entrance of the
+tavern. He descends the stairs in an agony of anticipation, and feverishly
+trips up the six or eight succeeding ones to arrive at the large room. A
+song has just concluded, and he enters triumphantly amidst the thunder of
+applause, the jingling of glasses, the imperious vociferations of fresh
+orders, and an atmosphere of smoke that pervades the whole apartment, like
+dense clouds of incense burning at the altar of the genius of
+conviviality.
+
+The new man is at first so bewildered, that it would take but little extra
+excitement to render him perfectly unconscious as to the probability of
+his standing upon his _occipito-frontalis_ or _plantar fascia_. But as he
+collects his ideas, he contrives to muster sufficient presence of mind to
+order a Welsh rabbit, and in the interim of its arrival earnestly
+contemplates the scene around him. There is the room which, in after life,
+so vividly recurs to him, with its bygone _souvenirs_ of mirth, when he is
+sitting up all night at a bad case in the mud cottage of a pauper union.
+There are its blue walls, its wainscot and its pillars, its lamps and
+ground-glass shades, within which the gas jumps and flares so fitfully;
+its two looking-glasses, that reflect the room and its occupants from one
+to the other in an interminable vista. There also is Mr. Rhodes, bending
+courteously over the backs of the visiters' chairs, and hoping everybody
+has got everything to their satisfaction, or bestowing an occasional
+subdued acknowledgment upon an _habitué_ who chances to enter; and the
+professional gentlemen all laying their heads together at the top of the
+table to pitch the key of the next glee; and the waiters bustling up and
+down with all sorts of tempting comestibles; and the gentleman in the
+Chesterfield wrapper smoking a cigar at the side of the room, while he
+leans back and contemplates the ceiling, as if his whole soul was
+concentrated in its smoke-discoloured mouldings.
+
+The new man is in ecstasies; he beholds the realization of the Arabian
+Nights, and when the harmony commences again, he is fairly entranced. At
+first, he is fearful of adding the efforts of his laryngeal "little
+muscles with the long names" to swell the chorus; but, after the second
+glass of stout and a "go of whiskey," he becomes emboldened, and when the
+gentleman with the bass voice sings about the Monks of Old, what a jovial
+race they were, our friend trolls out how "they laughed, ha, ha!" so
+lustily, that he gets quite red in the face from obstructed jugulars, and
+applauds, when it has concluded, until everything upon the table performs
+a curious ballet-dance, which is only terminated by the descent of the
+cruets upon the floor.
+
+The precise hour at which the new man arrives at home, after this eventful
+evening, has never been correctly ascertained; having a latch-key, he is
+the only person that could give any authentic information upon this point;
+but, unfortunately, he never knows himself. Some few things, however, are
+universally allowed, namely, that in extreme cases he is found asleep on
+the rug at the foot of the stairs next morning, with the rushlight that
+was left in the passage burnt quite away, and all the solder of the
+candlestick melted into little globules. More frequently he knocks up the
+people of the neighbouring house, under the impression that it is his own,
+but that a new keyhole has been fitted to the door in his absence; and, in
+the mildest forms of the disease, he drinks up all the water in his
+bed-room during the night, and has a propensity for retiring to rest in
+his pea-coat and Bluchers, from the obstinate tenacity of his buttons and
+straps. The first lecture the next morning fails to attract him; he eats
+no breakfast, and when he enters the dissecting-room about one o'clock,
+his fellow-students administer to him a pint of ale, warmed by the simple
+process of stirring it with a hot poker, with some Cayenne pepper thrown
+into it, which he is assured will set to rights the irritable mucous
+lining of his stomach. The effect of this remedy is, to send him into a
+sound sleep during the whole of the two o'clock anatomical lecture; and
+awakened at its close by the applause of the students, he thinks he is
+still at the Cyder-cellars, and cries out "Encore!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PREVENTION OF RAILWAY ACCIDENTS.
+
+Having been particularly struck by the infernal smashes that have recently
+taken place on several railroad lines, and having been ourselves forcibly
+impressed by a tender, which it must be allowed was rather hard (coming in
+collision with ourselves), we have thought over the subject, and have now
+the following suggestions to offer:--
+
+Behind each engine let there be second and third class carriages, so that,
+in the event of a smash, second and third class lives only would be
+sacrificed.
+
+Let there be a van full of stokers before the first class carriages; for,
+as the directors appear to be liberal of the stokers' lives, it is
+presumed that every railway company has such a glut of them that they can
+be spared easily.
+
+As some of the carriages are said to oscillate, from being too heavy at
+the top, let a few copies of "Martinuzzi" be placed as ballast at the
+bottom.
+
+In order that the softest possible lining may be given to the carriages,
+let the interior be covered with copies of Sibthorp's speeches as densely
+as possible.
+
+We have not yet been able to find a remedy for the remarkable practice
+which prevails in some railways of sending a passenger, like a bank-note,
+_cut in half_, for better security.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE POLITICAL EUCLID.--NO. 2.
+
+
+PROP. I.--PROBLEM.
+
+    _To describe an Independent Member upon a given indefinite line of
+    politics._
+
+[Illustration: L]Let C R, or Conservative Reform, be the given indefinite
+line--it is required to describe on C R an independent member.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+With the centre Reform, and at the distance of Conservatism, describe G B
+and M--or Graham, Brougham, and Melbourne--the extremes of the Whig
+Administration of 1834.
+
+With the centre Conservatism, and at the distance of Reform, describe G B
+and P--or Graham, Buckingham, and Peel--the extremes of the Tory
+Administration of 1841.
+
+From the point Graham, where the administrations cut one another, draw the
+lines Graham and Reform, and Graham and Conservatism.
+
+Then Graham and Conservative Reform is an independent member.
+
+For because Reform was the centre of the Whig Administration, Graham,
+Brougham, and Melbourne
+
+Therefore Graham and Reform was the same as Reform with a shade
+Conservatism.
+
+And because Conservatism is the centre of the Tory Administration, Graham,
+Buckingham, and Peel
+
+Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Conservatism with a shade
+Reform
+
+Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Graham and Reform
+
+Therefore Graham is either a Conservative or a Reformer, as the case may
+require.
+
+And therefore he is a Conservative Reformer--
+
+Wherefore, having three sides, which are all the same to him--viz. Reform,
+Conservatism, and himself--he is an independent member, and has been
+described as a Conservative Reformer.
+
+_Quod erat_ double-_face-iendum_.
+
+
+PROP. II.--PROBLEM.
+
+    _From a given point to draw out a Radical Member to a given length._
+
+Let A or his ancestors be the given point, and an A s s the given length;
+it is required to draw out upon the point of his ancestors a Radical
+member equal to an A s s.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Connect the A s s with A, his ancestors.
+
+On the A s s and A his ancestors, describe an independent member S R I,
+Sir Robert Inglis.
+
+Then with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, draw out the A s s to G L and S A, or
+great literary and scientific attainments.
+
+And with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, let R Roebuck, be got into a line upon
+A, his ancestors.
+
+With the A s s in the middle, describe the circulation of T N, or "Times"
+newspaper.
+
+And with SRI, Sir Robert Inglis, as the centre, describe the Circle of the
+H of C, or House of Commons.
+
+Then R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, equals an A s s.
+
+For because the A s s was in the middle of T N, or "Times" newspaper.
+
+Therefore the rhodomontade of G L and S A, or great literary and
+scientific attainments, was equal to the braying of an A s s.
+
+And because S R I, or Sir Robert Inglis, was in the centre of H C, or
+House of Commons.
+
+Therefore S R I on G L and S A, or Sir Robert Inglis on the great literary
+and scientific attainments, was only to be equalled by S R I and R, or Sir
+Robert Inglis and Roebuck.
+
+But Sir R I is always equal to himself.
+
+Therefore the remainder, A R, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to the
+remaining G L and S A, or great literary and scientific attainments.
+
+But G L and S A, or the great literary and scientific attainments, have
+been shown to be equal to those of an A s s.
+
+And therefore R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to an A s s.
+
+Wherefore, from a given point, A, his ancestors, has been drawn out a
+Radical member, R, Roebuck, equal to an A s s.
+
+_Quod erat_ sheep-_face-iendum_.
+
+
+PROP. III.--PROBLEM
+
+    _From the greater opposition of two members to a given measure to
+    cut, off a part, so as it may agree with the less._
+
+Let P C and W R, or Peel the Conservative and Wakley the Radical,
+represent their different oppositions to the New Poor Law, to which that
+of W R, or Wakley the Radical, is greater than that of Peel the
+Conservative--it is required to cut off from W R, or Wakley the Radical's
+opposition a part, so that it may agree with that of P C, or Peel the
+Conservative.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+From W, or Wakley, draw W T, or Wakley the Trimmer, the same as P C, or
+Peel the Conservative.
+
+With the centre W or Wakley, and to the extremity of T trimming, describe
+the magic circle P L A C E.
+
+Cutting W R or Wakley the Radical in B P, his Breeches Pocket.
+
+Then W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with Peel the
+Conservative.
+
+For because the circle P L A C E is described about W or Wakley
+
+Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, is of the same opinion
+as W T or Wakley the Trimmer.
+
+But W T or Wakley the Trimmer, agrees with Peel the Conservative.
+
+Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with P C or Peel
+the Conservative.
+
+Wherefore, from the greater opposition of W R, Wakley the Radical, to the
+New Poor Law, is cut off, W B P, Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, which
+exactly coincides with the minor opposition of P C or Peel the
+Conservative.
+
+_Quod erat_ brazen-_face-iendum_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE VALUE OF STOCKS--LAST QUOTATION.
+
+During a rural ramble, the ex-premier was diverted from the mental
+Shakesperian sustenance derived from "chewing the cud of sweet and bitter
+fancy," by an importunate appeal from a reckless disorderly, who was doing
+penance for his anti-teetotal propensities, by performing a two hours'
+quarantine in the village stocks. So far from sympathising with the
+fast-bound sufferer, his lordship, in a tone of the deepest regret,
+deplored, that he had himself not been so tightly secured in his place,
+as, had that been the case, he would still have been provided with
+
+[Illustration: BOARD AND LODGING FOR A SINGLE MAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINEN-DRAPER OF LUDGATE.
+
+  Shop fronts are daily "higher" raised.
+    Our master's "ire" as often;
+  Would they but raise _our_ "hire" a bit,
+    'Twould much our mis'ries soften!
+
+THE SHOPMEN--POOR DEVILS
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPANISH POLITICS.
+
+(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.)
+
+"_Pampeluna, Oct. 1._
+
+"An event has just occurred which will doubtless change the dynasty of the
+Spanish succession before I have finished my letter. At eleven o'clock
+this morning, several officers were amusing themselves at picquet in a
+coffee-house. One having played the king, another cried out, 'Ay, the
+king! _Vivat_! Down with the Queen! Don Carlos for ever!' This caused a
+frightful sensation, and the National Guards are now on their way to
+blockade the house.
+
+"_One o'clock_, P.M.--The National Guards have joined the Carlists, and
+the regulars are at this moment flying to arms.
+
+"_Two o'clock_.--The royal troops are defeated, and Don Carlos is now
+being proclaimed King of Spain, &c."
+
+
+(FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.)
+
+"_Madrid, Oct. 2._
+
+"The nominal reign of Don Carlos, commenced at Pampeluna, has been but of
+short duration. A diversion has taken place in favour of the husband of
+the Queen Regent--Munos, who, having been a private soldier, is thought by
+his rank and file camaradoes to have a prior claim to Don Carlos. They
+have revolted to a man, and the Carlists tremble in their boots.
+
+"_Six o'clock_, A.M.--The young Queen has fled the capital--Munos is our
+new King, and his throne will no doubt be consolidated by a vigorous
+ministry.
+
+"_Seven o'clock_, A.M.--News has just arrived from Pampeluna that the
+Carlists are so disgusted with the counter-revolution, that a
+counter-counter-revolution having taken place amongst the shopkeepers, in
+favour of the Queen Regent, the Carlists have joined it. After all, the
+Queen Mother will doubtless permanently occupy the throne--at least for a
+day or two.
+
+"_Eight o'clock_.--News has just arrived from Biscay of a new revolt,
+extending through all the Basque provinces; and they are only waiting for
+some eligible pretender to come forward to give to this happy country
+another ruler. Advices from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a
+rebellious spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly
+anticipated during the next twelvemonth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. 4.
+
+  And must we part?--well, let it be;
+    'Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me;
+  For though I still was true to thee,
+    Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me.
+  Take back this written pledge of love,
+    No more I'll to my bosom fold it;
+  The ring you gave, your faith to prove,
+    I can't return--because I've sold it!
+
+  I will not ask thee to restore
+    Each _gage d'armour_, or lover's token,
+  Which I had given thee before
+    The links between us had been broken.
+  They were not much, but oh! that brooch,
+    If for my sake thou'st deign'd to save it,
+  For that, at least, I must encroach,--
+    It wasn't mine, although I gave it.
+
+  The gem that in my breast I wore,
+    That once belonged unto your mother
+  Which, when you gave to me, I swore
+    For life I'd love you, and no other.
+  Can you forget that cheerful morn,
+    When in my breast thou first didst stick it?--
+  I can't restore it--it's in pawn;
+    But, base deceiver--that's the ticket.
+
+  Oh, take back all, I cannot bear
+    These proofs of love--they seem to mock it;
+  There, false one, take your lock of hair--
+    Nay, do not ask me for the locket.
+  Insidious girl! that wily tear
+    Is useless now, that all is ended:
+  There is thy curl--nay, do not sneer,
+    The locket's--somewhere--being mended.
+
+  The dressing-case you lately gave
+    Was fit, I know, for Bagdad's caliph;
+  I used it only once to shave,
+    When it was taken by the bailiff.
+  Than thou didst give I bring back less;
+    But hear the truth, without more dodging--
+  The landlord's been with a distress,
+    And positively cleared my lodging.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONS. BY O CONNELL.
+
+What English word expresses the Latin for cold?--"Jelly"-does (_Gelidus_).
+
+Why is a blackleg called a sharper?--Because he's less blunt than other
+men.
+
+Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?--Because it keeps one _dry_ all
+day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+OLD MAIDS.
+
+_Sir Philip Brilliant_ is a gentleman of exquisite breeding--a man of
+fashion, with a taste for finery, and somewhat of a fop. He reveals his
+pretty figure to us, arrayed in all the glories of white and pink satins,
+embellished with flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His
+servant is performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of
+the dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws are
+unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find one--nine
+valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the money; and _Robert_
+instantly pays a tribute to the title of the play by discovering a
+_wrinkle_--equally an emblem of an "Old Maid" and an ill-fitting vest.
+This incident shows us that _Sir Philip_ is an amateur in dress; but his
+predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to scold his
+goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The next scene takes
+us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon Ludgate-hill. We are
+inside the shop of the goldsmith, _Master Blount_, most likely the founder
+of the firm now conducted by Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons,
+who, being brought up to the same trade, and always living together, are,
+of course, eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the
+shop; the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of
+all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and elegance.
+The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the subject of their sons,
+which happily, (for family quarrels seldom amuse third parties) is put an
+end to by a second "shine," brought about by the entrance of _Sir Philip
+Brilliant_, to make the threatened complaint about bad workmanship. The
+younger and fiery _Thomas Blount_ resents some of _Sir P.B._'s expressions
+to his father; this is followed by the usual _badinage_ about swords and
+their use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a
+duel, and are not disappointed.
+
+Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman is wounded,
+and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his sworn friend for ever.
+
+The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great revolution has
+taken place in the private concerns of the family Blount. _Thomas_, the
+younger, has become a colonel in the army; John, having got possession of
+the shop, has sold the stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.;
+doubtless, to the late _Mr. Rundell's_ great-grandfather; and has set up
+for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society he is
+indebted to _Robert_, whom he has mistaken for a Baronet, and who presents
+him to several of his fellow-knights of the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for
+the occasion, lords and ladies, exactly as it happens in the farce of
+"High Life Below Stairs."
+
+But where are the "Old Maids" all this time? Where, indeed! _Lady Blanche_
+and _Lady Anne_ are young and beautiful--exquisitely lovely; for they are
+played by Madame Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that
+directly they appear, the spectator assures himself that they are _not_
+the "Old Maids." To be sure they seem to have taken a sort of vow of
+celibacy; but their fascinating looks--their beauty--their enchanting
+manners, offer a challenge to the whole bachelor world, that would make
+the keeping of such a vow a crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble
+long on that account. _Lady Blanche_, has, we are informed, taken to
+disguising herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the
+character of a yeoman's daughter, she entered _Blount's_ shop, and fell in
+love with _Thomas_: at this exact part of the narrative _Colonel Blount_
+is announced, attended by his sworn friend, _Sir Philip Brilliant_. A sort
+of partial recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a
+dreadful state of suspense till the commencement of another act.
+
+_Sir Philip_, who has formerly loved _Lady Blanche_ without success, now
+tries his fortune with _Lady Anne_; and at this point, dramatic invention
+ends; for, excepting the mock-marriage of _John Blount_ with a
+lady's-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the vicissitudes the two
+pair of lovers go through--all of their own contrivance, on purpose to
+make themselves as wretched as possible--till the grand clearing up, which
+always takes place in every last scene, from the "Adelphi" of Terence (or
+Yates), down to the "Old Maids" of Mr. Sheridan Knowles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCORICO, OR MY AUNT'S BANTAM.
+
+Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on their own
+account, and depend almost entirely upon the "French," managers have added
+a new member to their establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ
+a Paris correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be
+brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which they
+(the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the English market,
+they are seldom _neat_ as imported.
+
+The gentleman who "does" the Parisian correspondence for the Adelphi
+Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing the above title; the
+fable, of which, like some of Æsop's, principally concerns a hen, that,
+however, does not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does--an innocent
+little fair who has charge of the fowl--a sort of _Justice Woodcock_, and
+a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform of a drum or bugle-major,
+calls himself a serjeant. To these may be added, Mr. Yates in his own
+private character, and a few sibilants in the pit, who completed the
+poultry-nature of the piece by playing the part of geese.
+
+The plot would have been without interest, but for the accidental
+introduction of the last two characters,--or the geese and the
+cock-of-the-walk. The pittites, affronted at the extreme puerility of some
+of the incidents, and the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This
+raffled the feathers of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or
+rather at, the wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence
+the geese. Mr. Yates spoke--we need not say how or what. Everybody knows
+how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his hat, and
+smiles, and frowns, and "appeals" and "declares upon his honour" while
+agitating the buttons on the left side of his coat, and "entreats" and
+"throws himself upon the candour of a British public," and puts the stamp
+upon all he has said by an impressive thump of the foot, a final flourish
+of the arms, and a triumphal exit to poean-sounding "bravoes!" and to the
+utter confusion of all dis--or to be more correct, hiss--sentients.
+
+In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and _Cocorico_ deserved its
+fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the chief character with
+much tact and cleverness, singing the vaudevilles charmingly--a most
+difficult task, we should say, on account of the adapter, in putting
+English words to French music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large
+majority of them. Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree
+of character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the vampire-trap
+of too many young performers--stage conventionalism, and that she copies
+from Nature. It is unfortunate for both these clever actresses that they
+have been thrust into a piece, which not even their talents could save
+from partial ----, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown very
+strict. The piece wants _cur_-tailment; which, if previously applied, will
+increase the interest, and make it, perhaps, an endurable dramatic
+
+[Illustration: FRENCH "TAIL"--WITH CUTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PROMENADE CONCERTS.
+
+The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for his
+office--he is several degrees less personable than M. Jullien--he does not
+even wear moustaches! and to suppose that a man can beat time properly
+without them is ridiculous. He looks a great deal more like a modest,
+respectable grocer, than a man of genius; for he neither turns up his eyes
+nor his cuffs, and has the indecency to appear without white gloves! His
+manners, too, are an insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning
+school of music; he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least
+grace or _éclat_. He does not spread out both arms like a goose that wants
+to fly, while hushing down a _diminuendo_; nor gesticulate like a madman
+during the fortes; in short, he only gives out the time in passages where
+the players threaten unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those
+amateurs who pay their money only for the pleasure of seeing the _bâton_
+flourished about, are defrauded of half their amusement. M. Musard takes
+them in--for it must be evident, even to them, that what we have said is
+true, and that he possesses scarcely a qualification for the office he
+holds--if we make one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)--for he
+is nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single
+accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself upon the
+Cockney _dilettanti_ after M. Jullien, who possessed every other requisite
+for a conductor _but_ a knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a
+paltry acquirement, and purely mechanical.
+
+On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles and waltzes
+was administered, with an admixture from the dull scores of Beethoven.
+Disgusted as we were at the humbug of performing the works of this master
+without blue-fire, and an artificial storm in the flies, yet--may we
+confess it?--we were nearly as much charmed by the "Andante" from his
+Symphonia in A, as if the lights had been put out to give it effect. We
+blush for our taste, but thank our _stars_ (Jullien included) that we have
+the courage to own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened
+Concert d'Eté patronising public. In sober truth, we were ravished! The
+pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the _ensemble_ of them
+was so complete, the wind instruments were blown so exactly in tune, so
+evenly in tone, that the whole passion of that touching andante seemed to
+be felt by the entire band, which _went_ as one instrument. The
+subject--breaking in as it does, when least expected, and worked about
+through nearly every part of the score, so as to produce the most
+delicious effects--was played with equal delicacy and feeling by every
+performer who had to take it up; while the under-current of accompaniment
+was made to blend with it with a masterly command and unanimity of tone,
+that we cannot remember to have heard equalled.
+
+Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of the
+audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but coldly. This,
+however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, and brass-blurting
+of the overture to "Zampa" was noised forth: this was encored with
+ecstacies, and so were some of the quadrilles. Happy musical taste!
+Beethoven's septour, arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration
+unworthy of Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned
+to arrange the sailor's hornpipe, as
+
+[Illustration: A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WAR WITH CHINA.
+
+The celebrated pranks of the "Bull in the China Shop" are likely to be
+repeated on a grand scale--the part of the Bull being undertaken, on this
+occasion, by the illustrious John who is at the head of the family.
+
+The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a _chop_,
+surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was dished up with a good
+deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately forwarded to Elliot. The custom of
+sending chops to an enemy is founded on the idea, that the fact of there
+being a bone to pick cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than "by
+wrapping it up," as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible.
+
+Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have attacked our
+forces with _junk_, from which it has been supposed that our brave tars
+have been pitched into with large pieces of salt beef, while the English
+commanders have been pelted with _chops_; but this is an error. The thing
+called _junk_ is not the article of that name used in the Royal Navy, but
+a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that sort of
+material, something between wood and paper, of which we in this country
+manufacture hat-boxes.
+
+The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him are afraid
+to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been most unmercifully
+wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief that they have achieved a
+victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who happened to suggest the necessity
+for a stronger force, was instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who
+can now and then do things by halves, though such is not his ordinary
+custom.
+
+We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will supply us
+with the earliest intelligence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS.
+
+CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS.
+
+The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly solicited in
+behalf of
+
+JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, author of the
+"New Whig Guide," &c., &c., who, from having been considered one of the
+first wits of his day, is now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic
+indigence. It is earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in
+vain, and that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be
+restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means he may
+be able to continue his contributions to the "Quarterly Review," which
+have been recently refused from their utter dulness.
+
+Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; by the Hon.
+and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the House of Commons;
+and the Garrick's Head.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED.
+
+Samuel Rogers, Esq.--Ten puns, and a copy of "Italy."
+
+Tom Cooke, Esq.--One joke (musical), consisting of "God save the Queen,"
+arranged for the penny trumpet.
+
+T. Hood, Esq.--Twenty-three epigrams.
+
+Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.--A laughable Corn-law pamphlet.
+
+John Poole, Esq.--A new farce, with liberty to extract all the jokes from
+the same, amounting to two _jeux d'esprit_ and a pun.
+
+Proprietors of PUNCH.--The "copy" for No. 15 of the LONDON
+CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and therefore as many
+jests.
+
+Col. Sibthorp.--A conundrum.
+
+Daniel O'Connell.--An Irish _tail_.
+
+Messrs. Grissel and Peto.--A _strike_-ing masonic interlude, called "The
+Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the Rusty Trowel."
+
+Commissioner Lin.--A special edict.
+
+Lord John Russell.--"A new Guide to Matrimony," and a facetious essay,
+called "How to leave one's Lodgings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAURIE'S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPOEIA.
+
+Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose physiology is
+recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer Copoeia resides, and
+whether he is for or against the Corn Laws?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 16, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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