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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:40 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14932-8.txt b/14932-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5c42b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14932-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2391 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 16, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14932] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +TRADE REPORT. + +(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.) + +[Illustration: T]The market has been in a most extraordinary state all the +morning. Our first advices informed us that feathers were getting very +heavy, and that lead was a great deal brisker than usual. In the +fish-market, flounders were not so flat as they had been, and, to the +surprise of every one, were coming round rapidly. + +The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a smoothness to the +transactions of the day, which had a visible effect on business. Every +species of fats were in high demand, but the glut of mutton gave a +temporary check to the general facility of the ordinary operations. + +The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having caused an +unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of a parish union, +gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, which had been +exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning. + +We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who is up to +every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that the flouring +system must soon prove the destruction of fair and fowl commerce. We do +not wish to be premature, but our informant is a person in whom we place +the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there is every reason why we should +depend upon so respectable an authority. + +Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, and even +that was not in a dealer's hands, but was being used by a basket-woman, +who was darning a stocking. After this, who can be surprised at the +stoppage of the factories? + +Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, seemed to be +merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a view to future +dealings. + + * * * * * + + +THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY. + +The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is confined +to the investigation of the materials which compose this terrestrial +globe;--in its more extended signification, it relates, also, to the +examination of the different layers or strata of society, as they are to +be met with in the world. + +Society is divided into three great strata, called High Life--Middle +Life--and Low Life. Each of these strata contains several classes, which +have been ranged in the following order, descending from the highest to +the lowest--that is, from the drawing-room of St. James's to the cellar in +St. Giles's. + + _ _ + | | ST. JAMES'S SERIES. + H | | People wearing coronets. + i | Superior__| People related to coronets. + g | Class. | People having no coronet, but who expect to get one. + h | | People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a + -| | carriage. + L | |_ + i | _ + f | | SECONDARY. + e | | (_Russell-square group._) + | | People who keep a carriage, but are silent + |_ | respecting their grandfathers. + _ | People who give dinners to the superior series. + | | People who talk of the four per cents, and are + | | suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern + M | Transition_| in the City. + i | Class. | + d | | (_Clapham group._) + d | | People who "confess the Cape," and say, that though + l | | Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in + e | | Fenchurch-street, he needn't do it if he didn't + -| | like. + L | | People who keep a shop "concern" and a one-horse + i | | shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the + f | |_ dog-days. + e | _ + | | People who keep a "concern," but no shay, do the + | | genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn + | | occasions. + | | People, known as "shabby-genteels," who prefer + |Metamorphic | walking to riding, and study Kidd's "How to live + |_ class. __| on a hundred a-year." + _ | + L | | INFERIOR SERIES. + o | | (_Whitechapel group._) + w | | People who dine at one o'clock, and drink stout out + | |_ of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens. + L-| _ + i | | People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in + f | Primitive__| pleasure "wans" to Richmond on Sundays in summer. + e | Formation. | + | | (_St. Giles's group._) + |_ |_Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties. + +It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great +divisions of society, namely, _High Life, Low Life_, and _Middle Life_, +are subdivided, or more properly, sub-classed, into the Superior, +Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social +scale is the Primitive Formation--which may be described as the basis and +support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be +distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they +effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the +_St. Giles's Group_--(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found +only in the great London basin)--and that portion of the Whitechapel group +whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure 'wans' to Richmond on +Sundays. In man's economy the _St. Giles's Group_ are exceedingly +important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where +their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in +order is the Metamorphic class--so called, because of the singular +metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their +common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the _St. +Giles's Group_, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured +surface, with bright buttons and a shining "four-and-nine"--goss. This +class includes the upper portion of the _Whitechapel Group_, and the two +lower strata of the _Clapham Group_. The _Whitechapel Group_ is the most +elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies +a wide extent on the Surrey side of the water--it is part of the _Clapham +Group_, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of +Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to +be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary +formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remains--a great +variety of miscellaneous articles--such as watches, rings, and silk +waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are +technically termed _avuncular depositories_. The deposition of these +matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most +general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on +some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his +wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left +amongst an accumulation of "popped" articles from various districts. The +chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves, +but from their _duplicates_, which afford the most satisfactory proof of +the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally +to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been +frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal-green +and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to +such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest +geologists. Immediately above the "shabby genteel" stratum are found the +people who "keep a shop concern, but no shay;" it is the uppermost layer +of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling +with the supra-genteel _Clapham Group_. The "shop and no shay" stratum +forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by +its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech. +Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and +obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation, +separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing +strata of thick double Witneys. + +Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause +until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the +TRANSITION CLASS--the "shop and shay people"--and, as we hope, convince +our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great +advantage of studying the strata of human life + +[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.] + + * * * * * + + +COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION. + +Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the +Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an +unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off; +upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and +composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:-- + + I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds + The gentle ass has slain; + For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds, + It seems a warning plain. + + * * * * * + + +CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA. + +It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the +British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China, +who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + + +THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN. + +There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his +dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +POOR JACK. + +A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four +hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only +drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his +prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that +he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending +his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the +long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but +even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired +object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of +brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches, +fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his +wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the +boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash +scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a +sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether. +An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at +the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned +upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with +the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so +easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a +cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the +dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the +coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat. + +These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be +met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of +Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most +remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about +the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside +which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of +some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small +model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's +(God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor +lost his blessed limb." + +Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his +baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his +species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which +he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and +with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence +will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's +songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete +repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom +Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with +"Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite +pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he +always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his +auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments. + +Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed +babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack +commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and +the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune +sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging +into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;-- + + "Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder-- + The rain a deluge pours-- + Our sails were split asunder, + By lightning's vivid pow'rs. + +"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you, +master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman, +Polly-- + + "The night both drear and dark, + Our poor desarted bark, + There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!) + + "There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack, + and his little Polly--till next day, + In the Bay of Biscay O." + +"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his +voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took +to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three +thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by +Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's +black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have +potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of +way, my lady-- + + "Come all you jolly sailors bold, + Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould, + While British valour I unfold-- + Huzza! for the Arethusa! + She was a frigate stout and brave + As ever stemm'd the dashing wave-- + +"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled +for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour, +how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little +Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in +with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, +that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with +hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes +to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance +ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing-- + + "My name d'ye see's Tom Tough, + And I've seen a little sarvice, + Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow, + I've sail'd with noble Howe, + And I've fought with gallant Jarvis, + And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!" + +"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent +tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the +coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other +port, singing lustily as he goes-- + + "Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!" + +Farewell, POOR JACK! + + * * * * * + + +THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES! + +Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the +indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it +seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the +duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable +views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera +glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire +the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be +the last place we should select, if we were + +[Illustration: GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.] + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS + +OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, +AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY. + +CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS, + +IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT, + + +THE DIRECTORS + +To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the +various Metropolitan hospitals. + + +ACTING SECRETARIES, + +The County Coroners. + +By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be +divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them. + +The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage +(so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and +the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation +Assurance Company." + +The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of +the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:-- + +CLASS I. + +Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly +hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:-- + + PER CENT. + Engineer, first six months, total life ....... 90 + Legs, at per each ............................ 74 + Arms, ditto ditto ............................ 60 + Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ... 55 + Dislocations and contusions, per score ....... 50 + +N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six +months. + +First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of +all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be +charged as above. + +STOKERS. + +Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains +have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds +are not included. + +_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just +appointed. + +SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS. + +In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed +together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing +those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit +to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for +effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first +class. + +To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station +to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the +insurers paying down the premium at starting:-- + + £ s. d. +First Class, leg ............................................ 1 11 6 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 1 7 9 +First class, arm ............................................ 1 0 0 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 0 14 3 +First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9 +Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4 +First Class, teeth each ..................................... 0 0 9 +Whole set ................................................... 1 1 0 +Second Class, ditto ......................................... 0 0 4-3/4 +Whole set..................................................... 0 12 2 +Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with + name and address, First Class............................. 5 5 0 +Second ditto.................................................. 3 3 4 + +In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company +pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches, +contusions, &c., &c. + +All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of +the individual. + +A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping, +bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister. + +Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental +tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption. + +Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the +New Highgate Cemetery. + + * * * * * + + +NOTHING NEW. + + The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves, + For every one knows they take care of themselves. + + * * * * * + + +SCHOOL OF DESIGN. + +The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the +elegant acquirements of the various _attachés_ of the new Tory premier. +The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to +secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must +convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of +drawing. + + * * * * * + + +THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION. + +None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of +their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned +chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of +business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three +months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for +bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will +be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are +told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will +they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great +measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's +exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye +thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and +bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies +you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The +ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine +sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection +that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! +But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN +BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your +tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being +fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign +Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This +important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House, +and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows +the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in +the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_ +Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious +privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never +expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in +this happy land, but law--never! + +Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Albert's +stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged, +ay, and fed; and the people--the creatures whom God made after his own +image--the poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie +down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses +are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the +great crowning work of Ministers--the Queen's speech on the Prorogation of +the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that +profound logical deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was +deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether +without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old +song--the burthen of it was clearly-- + +[Illustration: DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.] + + * * * * * + + +SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM! + +MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher +upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied +the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes +actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. "Heavy," +retorted Silk, "nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is +that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an +obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings, + +[Illustration: "THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND."] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER. + +Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute necessity +involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness as the reduction +of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of epistolatory correspondence. +Some great key-stone to this abstruse science--some accurate data from +which all sorts and conditions of people may at once receive instruction +and assistance, has been long wanting. + +Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great classes, viz.: +those who write to ask favours, and those who write to refuse them. There +is a vague notion extant, that in former days a third genus +existed--though by no means proportionate to the other two--they were +those who wrote "to grant favours;" these were also remarkable for +enclosing remittances and paying the double postage--at least, so we are +assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them and +their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction that the race +has been long extinct. + +Those who write to ask, may be divided into-- + + 1.--Creditors. + 2.--Constituents. + 3.--Sons. + 4.--Daughters. + 5.--Their offspring. + 6.--Nephews, nieces. + 7.--Indistinct cousins, and + 8.--Unknown, dear, and intimate friends. + +Those who write to refuse, are + + 1.--Debtors. + 2.--Members of Parliament + 3.--Fathers. + 4.--Mothers. + 5.--Their kin. + 6.--Uncles. + 7.--Aunts. + 8.--Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, who + will do anything but what the askers want. + +We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the above +parties by laying before them the proper formulæ for their respective +purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is composed of two great +classes, which, though they run into various ramifications, still retain +their original distinguishing characteristics--namely, that of being +either "debtors" or "creditors"--we will give the general information +necessary for the construction of their future effusions. + +(Firstly.) + +From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right honourable, being a +debtor. + +_Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841_. + +MY LORD,--I have done myself the honour of forwarding your lordship a +splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it will be approved of +by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your lordship's small account, the +payment of which will be most acceptable to your lordship's most + +Obedient very humble servant, + +GILBERT GRIPES. + + +THE ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +The sample is tolerable--send in thirty dozen--add them to your +account--and let my steward have them punctually on December 17, 1849. + +BOSKEY. + +P.S.--I expect you'll allow discount. + + +(Secondly.) + +From a creditor, being a "victim," "schneider," "sufferer," or "tailor," +to one who sets off his wares by wearing the same, being consequently a +debtor. + +HONOURED SIR,--I can scarcely express my delight at your kind compliments +as to the fit and patterns of the last seventy-three summer waistcoats; +the rest of the order is in hand. I enclose a small account of 490l. odd, +which will just meet a heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by +return of post, to your obliged and devoted + +Humble servant, + +ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH. + +P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c. + + +ANSWER TO THE SAME + +_Albany_. + +You be d--d, _Backstitch_. + +PENTWISTLE PINK. + + +(Thirdly.) + +From a constituent in the country, being a creditor "upon promises," to a +returned member of Parliament in town. + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841_. + +DEAR SIR,--The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble individual) and the +immense body of your enraptured constituents felt upon reading your truly +patriotic, statesman-like, learned, straightforward and consistent speech, +may be conceived by a person of your immense parliamentary imagination, +but cannot be expressed by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my +trifling exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly +recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the earnest +wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of being near such a +representative, which alone induces him to accept the situation of +landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his preparing for. You will, I +am sure, be happy to learn, the last baby, as you desired is christened +after:--"the country's, the people's, nay, the world's member!" + +Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever your staunch +supporter and admirer, + +FUNK FLAT. + +To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P. + + +(Fourthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,--I am more than happy. My return for your +borough has satisfied _you_, my country, and myself! What can I say more? +Pray give both my names to the dear innocent. Be careful in the spelling, +two "M's" in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and +immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every point +of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you _soon_--you cannot +TOO SOON--and believe me, + +My dear Funk, yours ever, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +(Fifthly.) + +FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER). + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841_. + +MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,--All's right, the two _M's_ are in _their_ +places, when will Joe be in _his?_ I know your heart; pray excuse my +earnestness, but oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near +so kind, so dear, so sincere a friend. + +More devotedly than ever yours, + +FUNK FLAT + +G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c. + + +(Sixthly.) + +ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +How can I express my feelings? _My_ name, _mine_ engrafted on the innocent +offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, evermore to be by them and their +heirs handed down to posterity! How I rejoice at that circumstance, and +the intelligence I have so happily received about the wretched situation +you speak of. Fancy, Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of +rashness, I meant to succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible +disorder attendant upon the duties of those d--d landing-waiterships. What +an escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so there's no +fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever, + +Your sincere and much relieved friend, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +From this time forward the correspondence, like "Irish reciprocity," is +"all on one side." It generally consists of four-and-twenty letters from +the constituent in the country to the returned member in town. As these +are _never opened_, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a +_blank sheet of paper_. + + +(Seventhly.) + +FROM SONS TO FATHERS. + +(Several.) + +DEAR FATHER,--Studies continued--(blot)--profession--future +hopes--application--increased expenses--irate landlady--small +remittance--duty--love--say twenty-five pounds--best wishes--sister, +mother, all at home. + +Dutiful son, + +JOHN JOSKIN. + + +(Eighthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +Delighted--assiduity--future fortune--great profession!--Increase of +family--no cash--best prayers, sister, mother. + +_Loving father!_ + +JOSKIN, SEN. + + +N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is good for +all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in letter of asker. +Strong dose of oaths in refuser's answer. + + +(Ninthly.) + +FROM "DEAR AND INTIMATE" TO A "DITTO DITTO." + +_Brighton_. + +MY DEAR TOM,--How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy as a prince; +that is, I should be if you were with me. You know when we first met! what +a time it was! do you remember? How the old times come back, and really +almost the same circumstances! Pray do you recollect I wanted one hundred +and fifty then? isn't it droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it +yourself. + +Ever yours. + +FITZBROWN SMITH. + +T. Tims, Esq. + + +(Tenthly.) + +ANSWER FROM "THE DITTO DITTO" TO "THE DITTO DITTO." + +OLD FELLOW,--Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you joy--wish I was with +you, but can't come. Damn the last Derby--regularly stump'd--cleaned +out--and done Brown!--not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I +am. Here's your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my Opera-box and +a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French hazard. + +Ever, your most devoted friend, + +T. TIMS. + +F. Smith, Esq. + + * * * * * + + +THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER. + +A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. + +At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the year of +grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving +barber. His industry met with due encouragement from the bearded portion +of the community; and the softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness, +generally selected Hans for the honour of new-fronting them, when they had +grown tired of the ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had +frosted. + +Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old burghers +foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a misfortune, which +promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave him a beggar. He fell in +love. + +Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all +remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their patience +and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter saw the flies +of summer scattered on his show-board. + +Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes were as +blue as a summer's sky, her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her +teeth as white as winter's snow. Her hair was a beautiful flaxen--not a +_drab_--but that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of +old were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in _alt_ +were equal to Grisi's: in short, she would have been a very desirable, +loveable young lady, if she had not been a coquette. + +Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise of the +burgomaster's second wife--I beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his +union with his third bride. From that day Hans was a lost barber. +Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, weaving, or powdering, he thought of +nothing but Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward +predicaments. And Agnes--what thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing, +except that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable +garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, after +sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of his remaining +stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The measure had +been taken by the tailor, the garments had been basted and tried on, and +Hans was standing at his door in a state of feverish excitement, awaiting +their arrival in a completed condition (as there was to be _fête_ on the +morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested to be +shaved. Hans wished him at the ---- next barber's; but there was something +so unpleasantly positive in the visitor's appearance, that he had not the +power to object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed +his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each side of +his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans commenced +operations--the lather dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor +emitted small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the stranger's +chin, Hans felt particularly uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto +passed on either side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather +abruptly, "Have you any schnapps in the house?" Hans jumped like a parched +pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and opened the +cupboard. "I never take anything stronger than water," said Hans, in +reply, to the "pshaw!" which broke from the stranger's lips as he smelt at +the contents of a little brown pitcher. "More fool you," replied his +customer. "Here taste that--some of the richest grape-blood of Rheingau;" +and he handed Hans a small flask, which the sober barber respectfully +declined. "Ha! ha! and yet you hope to thrive with the women," said the +stranger. "No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But drink, man! +drink!" + +The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair, +hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his finger briskly +down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and then he +puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the shop coughed aloud. The +uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked towards the door with the most +cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in +at them. "Ha! how are you?" said the stranger; "come in! come in!" and to +Hans' horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the shop. Hans felt +scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he +encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister +expression, he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels seated +herself upon the stranger's knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly +to the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and blinks, +and "wreathed smiles." + +"'Sblitzen!" exclaimed the lady, "the man's an icicle!" + +"Hans, you're a fool!" said the stranger; and his enamorata concurred in +the opinion. The flask was again proffered--the eye-artillery again +brought into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes +Flirtitz. + +The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head ornaments, as +though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the +barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies out. As he stood with +one foot on the step of the door, he turned his head scornfully over his +shoulder, and said, "Hans, you are nothing but--a barber; but before I +eat, you shall repent of your present determination." + +"What security have I that you will keep your word?" replied Hans, who +felt emboldened by the outside situation of his customer, and the shop +poker, of which he had obtained possession. + +"The best in the world," said the stranger. "Here, take these!" and +placing both rows of his teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he +quietly walked up the street with the ladies. + +The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the tailor, +entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. The stranger +was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried on, and they fitted +to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held in +every direction by the delighted tailor, who declared this performance his +_chef-d'oeuvre_ and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he +looked like a gentleman. Without a moment's hesitation, or the slightest +hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last thaler, and +his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook Stitz's hand at parting, +till every bone of the tailor's fingers ached for an hour afterwards, +bolted the door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in +Stocksbawler. + +After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the oddest +sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs +lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; but attributing +this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he proceeded to put on his +pantaloons. With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper +division, when, to his horror and amazement, he found that he had grown +_two feet at least during the night_; and that the pantaloons which had +fitted so admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the +window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the street, +when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the preceding day, who was +leaning against the gable-end of the house opposite, quietly smoking his +meerschaum. Hans paused; then thought, and then concluded that having +found an appetite, he had repented of his boast at parting, and had called +for his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and +opening the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the +summons, but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the +conditions of the wager. To Hans' great surprise he seemed perfectly +acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and good-naturedly +offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the barber's dilemma. The +stranger departed, and in a few moments the tailor arrived, and having +ascertained by his inch measure the truth of Hans' conjectures, bade him +be of good cheer, as he had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. +They had been made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to +call for them, or suspected that Stitz would require the _gelt_ before he +gave up the broadcloth. + +The tailor was right--they did fit--and in an hour afterwards Hans was on +his way to the _fête_. When he arrived there many of his old friends stood +agape for a few moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany +than a man growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the +alteration in Hans' appearance. Agnes was evidently struck with the +improvement of the barber's figure, and for two whole hours did he enjoy +the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen other young gentlemen +miserable, by monopolising the arm and conversation of the beauty of +Stocksbawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as +Hans and Agnes turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the +stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his heart +seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, he found +that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the garment of +the giant hung about him in anything but graceful festoons. He felt that +he was a human telescope, that some infernal power could elongate or shut +up at pleasure. + +The whole band of jealous rivals set up the "Laughing Chorus," and Agnes, +in the extremity of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly +fractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the scene of his disgrace, +and never stopped running until he opened the door of his little shop, +threw himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon an old "family +Bible" which chanced to be upon the table. In this position he continued +for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his tormentor and the +two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the centre of the apartment. + +"Well, Scrapshins," said the gentleman, "I have called for my teeth. You +see I have kept my promise." Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled. + +"Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the flask--forget Agnes, and +console yourself with the love of"-- + +The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; for Hans, +at this moment, took up the family volume which had served him for a +pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A scream, so loud that it +broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed to issue from them +simultaneously--a thick vapour filled the room, which gradually cleared +off, and left no traces of Hans' visitors but three small sticks of stone +brimstone. The truth flashed upon the barber--his visitor was the +far-famed Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor, +strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon +Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a +thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of Stocksbawler. +Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a father; but the +coquette who had nearly been his ruin had eloped with the _chasseur_ of a +travelling nobleman. + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY. + +Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. Farr's "Medical +Guide to Nice," and is much disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of +the eternally-talked of "_Nice_ Young Man," in the costume of the country. +He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, for his remarks +show him not to have been "over _Nice_." + + * * * * * + + +COOMBE'S LUNGS AND LEARNING. + +Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical process, +invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. Our and +Finsbury's friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his opinion, this must be +the origin of the received expression for the mighty savans, viz., the +"lights of literature." + + * * * * * + + +PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.--PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES. + +Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons should have +happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is prorogued. Now, +deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his train of apothecaries and +pestle-and-mortar apprentices, who, until February next, are to sit +cross-legged and try to think, there are at least six hundred and thirty +unemployed members of the House of Commons, turned upon the world with +nothing, poor fellows! but grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick +their teeth, in the Gardens of the Tuileries--some may even now venture to +exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,--but with every possible +and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of unemployed +law-makers, to whom time will be a heavy porter's burden. + +We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon us the +gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make all Members of +Parliament, for once in their lives at least, useful. The masons, hired to +build the new temples of Parliament, have struck. The hard-handed +ingrates,--let them go! We propose that, during the prorogation at least, +Members of Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a +word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be compelled, +like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before he could sit down +upon it. + +Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the task, in the +habits of what in our human arrogance we call the lower animals? There is +many a respectable spider who would justly feel himself calumniated by any +comparison between him and any one of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we +_could_ name; yet the spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of +refuge from the Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny +insect, the ant--that living, silent monitor to unregarding men--doth it +not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own abiding place? +Does not the mole scratch its own chamber--the carrion kite build its own +nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of Parliament alone be lodged at others' +pains? + +Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of paper.--(it is said, on +wasp's paper you are wont to write your thoughts on Ireland)--and +resolutely seize a trowel! + +Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its virgin +wax, how it shapes its luscious cone--and though we would not trust you to +place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you may, under instruction, mix +the mortar! + +Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETT--see how craftily it +makes its hole--and though you are too age-stricken to carry a hod, you +may at least do this much--sift the lime. + +But wherefore thus particular--why should we dwell on individuals? +Pole-cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your vermin affinities, come +forth, and staring reproachfully in the faces of all prorogued Members, +bid them imitate your zeal and pains, and--the masons having struck--build +their Houses for themselves. + +(We make this proposal in no thoughtless--no bantering spirit. He can see +very little into the most transparent mill-stone who believes that we pen +these essays--essays that will endure and glisten as long, ay as long as +the freshest mackerel--if he think that we sit down to this our weekly +labour in a careless lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON +BULWER, when he girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we +approach our work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always +dress for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote +"Richelieu" in a harlequin's jacket (sticking pirate's pistols in his +belt, ere he valorously _took_ whole scenes from a French melo-drama): +_we_ penned our last week's essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a +tie-wig askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a +court-suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers crisped, and +a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having subsided into our +chair--it is in most respects like the porphyry piece of furniture of the +Pope--and our housekeeper having played the Dead March in Saul on our +chamber organ (BULWER wrote "The Sea Captain" to the preludizing of a +Jew's-harp), we enter on our this week's labour. We state thus much, that +our readers may know with what pains we prepare ourselves for them. +Besides, when BULWER thinks it right that the world should know that the +idea of "La Vailière" first hit him in the rotonde of a French diligence, +modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not be anxious to +learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, when we scratch our +head to assist the thought that sticks by the way, we displace a velvet +cap or a Truefitt's scalp?) + +Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a line of +it--the omission will not maim our argument. So to proceed. + +If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we shall find +that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have exhibited the most +extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And then their capacity of +endurance! Arguments that would have knocked down any reasonable elephant +have touched them no more than would summer gnats. Well, why not awake +this sleeping strength? Why not divert a mischievous potency into +beneficial action? Why should we confine a body of men to making laws, +when so many of them might be more usefully employed in wheeling barrows? +Now there is Mr. PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays +respectable--would he not be working far more enduring utility with +pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the flowing of +the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not D'ISRAELI be turned into a very +jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light interior work of both the +Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will support nothing; but we think he +would be a very smart hand at a hat-peg. + +As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier mechanics than Sir +James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we remember their opinions on +the Corn Laws, and see that they are a part of the cabinet which has +already shown symptoms of some approaching alteration of the Bread +Tax--when we consider their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is, +and Sir Robert PEEL'S small, adventurous liberality, his half-bashful +homage to the spirit of the age--sure we are that both GRAHAM and +KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must be +masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of men for the +joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament. + +Again how many members from their long experience in the small jobbery of +committees--from their profitable knowledge of the mysteries of private +bills and certain other unclean work which may, if he please, fall to the +lot of the English senator--how many of these lights of the times might +build small monuments of their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain +conveniences required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have +seen the plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his +taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and +beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, dirty, +winding ways of Parliament--reader, take a list of her Majesty's Commons, +and running your finger down their names, pick us out three hundred +able-bodied labourers--three hundred stalwart night workmen in darkness +and corruption. We ask the country, need it care for the strike of Peto's +men (the said Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from +_Falstaff's_ retainer), when there is so much unemployed labour, hungering +only for the country's good? + +We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the present +Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we know that there +are so few among them who can look upon more than _one side_ of a +question, we own that the completion of the building may be considerably +delayed by employing only members of Parliament as square workmen: the +truth is, having never been accustomed to the operation, they will need +considerable instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable, +by habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a hod. + +We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether they ought +not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of Peto and Grissell, +with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they be not wholly insensible of +the wants of the nation and of their own dignity, Monday morning's sun +will shine upon every man of her Majesty's majority, for once laudably +employed in the nation's good. How delightful then to saunter near the +works--how charming then to listen to members of Parliament! What a +picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by STANLEY, have we +not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting saw? Instead of an oration +from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill note of his ungreased parliamentary +barrow? For the "hear, hear" of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of +the hammer--for the "cheer" from INGLIS, the sweeter chink of the mason's +chisel? + +And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen themselves! +After six days' toil, there is scarcely one of them who will not feel +himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants and feelings of labouring +man. They will learn sympathy in the most efficient manner--by the sweat +of their brow. Pleasant, indeed, 'twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his +axe, and beg, with _Sly_, for "a pot of the smallest ale." + +Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the mason's strike--having shewn +that the fitness of things calls upon the Commons, in the present dilemma, +to build their own house--we should feel it unjust to the government not +to acknowledge the good taste which, as we learn, has directed that an +estimate be taken of the disposable space on the walls of the new +buildings, to be devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter. +Records of the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the +walls of Parliament. + +This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and instructive, +the greatest judgment must be exercised in the selection of subjects; +which, for ourselves, we would have to illustrate the wisdom and +benevolence of Parliament. How beautifully would several of the Duke of +WELLINGTON'S speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing +Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to his +grace) famishing in England! And then the Duke's view of the shops of +butchers, and poulterers, and bakers--all in the Dutch style--by which his +grace has lately proved, that if there be distress, it can certainly not +be for want of comestibles! But the theme is too suggestive to be carried +out in a single paper. + +We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and GRAHAM, +half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, will make pretty +companion pictures. + +To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, Parliament will +want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no other than the artist to +PUNCH! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIV. + +[Illustration: THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +III.--OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT. + +For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers of the +new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly chronicled +every word that has fallen from the lips of every professor in his +leviathan note book; and his desk teems with reports of all the hospital +cases, from the burnt housemaid, all cotton-wool and white lead, who set +herself on fire reading penny romances in bed, on one side of the +hospital, to the tipsy glazier who bundled off his perch and spiked +himself upon the area rails on the other. He becomes a walking chronicle +of pathological statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the +wards, imagines himself an embryo Hunter. + +To keep up his character, a new man ought perpetually to carry a +stethoscope--a curious instrument, something like a sixpenny toy trumpet +with its top knocked off, and used for the purpose of hearing what people +are thinking about, or something of the kind. In the endeavour to acquire +a perfect knowledge of its use he is indefatigable. There is scarcely a +patient but he knows the exact state of their thoracic viscera, and he +talks of enlarged semilunar valves, and thickened ventricles with an air +of alarming confidence. And yet we rather doubt his skill upon this point; +we never perceived anything more than a sound and a jog, something similar +to what you hear in the cabin of a fourpenny steam-boat, and especially +mistrusted the "metallic tinkling," and the noise resembling a +blacksmith's bellows blowing into an empty quart-pot, which is called the +_bruit de soufflet_. Take our word, when medicine arrives at such a pitch +that the secrets of the human heart can be probed, it need not go any +further, and will have the power of doing mischief enough. + +The new man does not enter much into society. He sometimes asks a few +other juniors to his lodgings, and provides tea and shrimps, with +occasional cold saveloys for their refection, and it is possible he may +add some home-made wine to the banquet. Their conversation is exceedingly +professional; and should they get slightly jocose, they retail anatomical +paradoxes, technical puns, and legendary "catch questions," which from +time immemorial have been the delight of all new men in general, and +country ones in particular. + +But diligent and industrious as the new man may be, he is mortal after +all, and being mortal, is not proof against temptation--at least, after +five or six weeks of his pupilage have passed. The good St. Anthony +resisted all the endeavours of the Evil One to lure him from the proper +path, until the gentleman of the discoloured _cutis vera_ assumed the +shape of a woman. The new man firmly withstands all inducements to +irregularity until his first temptation appears in the form of the +Cyder-cellars--the convivial Rubicon which it is absolutely necessary for +him to pass before he can enrol himself as a member of the quiet, +hard-working, modest fraternity of the Medical Student of our London +Hospitals. + +_Facilis descensus Averni._--The steps that lead from Maiden-lane to the +Cyder-cellars are easy of descent, although the return is sometimes +attended with slight difficulty. Not that we wish to compare our favourite +_souterrain_ in question to the "Avernus" of the Latin poet; oh, no! If +Æneas had met with roast potatoes and stout during his celebrated voyage +across the Styx to the infernal regions, and listened to songs and glees +in place of the multitude of condemned souls, "horrendum stridens," we +wager that he would have been in no very great hurry to return. But we +have arrived at an important point in our physiology--the first launch of +the new man into the ocean of his London life, and we pause upon its +shore. He has but definite ideas of three public establishments at all +intimately connected with his professional career--the Hall, the College, +and the Cyder-cellars. There are but three individuals to whom he looks +with feelings of deference--Mr. Sayer of Blackfriars, Mr. Belfour of +Lincoln's-inn-fields, and Mr. Rhodes of Maiden-lane. These are the +impersonation of the Fates--the arbitrators of his destinies. + +As it is customary that an attendance in the Theatre of Lectures should +precede the student's determination to "have a shy at the College," or "go +up to the Hall," so is it usual for a visit to one of the theatres to be +paid before going down to the Cyder-cellars. The new man has been beguiled +into the excursion by the exciting narratives of his companions, and +beginning to feel that he is behind the other "chaps" (a new man's term) +in knowledge of the world, he yields to the attraction held out; not +because he at first thinks it will give him pleasure so to do, as because +it will put him on a level with those who have been, on the same principle +as our rambling compatriots go to Switzerland and the Rhine. His Mentor is +ready in the shape of a third-season man, and under his protecting +influence he sallies forth. + +The theatres have concluded; every carriage, cab, and "coach 'nhired" in +their vicinity is in motion; venders of trotters and ham-sandwiches are in +full cry; the bars of the proximate retail establishments are crowded with +thirsty gods; ruddy chops and steaks are temptingly displayed in the +windows of the supper-houses, and the turnips and carrots in the +freshly-arrived market-carts appear astonished at the sudden confusion by +which they are surrounded. Amidst this confusion the new man and his +friends arrive beneath the beacon which illumines the entrance of the +tavern. He descends the stairs in an agony of anticipation, and feverishly +trips up the six or eight succeeding ones to arrive at the large room. A +song has just concluded, and he enters triumphantly amidst the thunder of +applause, the jingling of glasses, the imperious vociferations of fresh +orders, and an atmosphere of smoke that pervades the whole apartment, like +dense clouds of incense burning at the altar of the genius of +conviviality. + +The new man is at first so bewildered, that it would take but little extra +excitement to render him perfectly unconscious as to the probability of +his standing upon his _occipito-frontalis_ or _plantar fascia_. But as he +collects his ideas, he contrives to muster sufficient presence of mind to +order a Welsh rabbit, and in the interim of its arrival earnestly +contemplates the scene around him. There is the room which, in after life, +so vividly recurs to him, with its bygone _souvenirs_ of mirth, when he is +sitting up all night at a bad case in the mud cottage of a pauper union. +There are its blue walls, its wainscot and its pillars, its lamps and +ground-glass shades, within which the gas jumps and flares so fitfully; +its two looking-glasses, that reflect the room and its occupants from one +to the other in an interminable vista. There also is Mr. Rhodes, bending +courteously over the backs of the visiters' chairs, and hoping everybody +has got everything to their satisfaction, or bestowing an occasional +subdued acknowledgment upon an _habitué_ who chances to enter; and the +professional gentlemen all laying their heads together at the top of the +table to pitch the key of the next glee; and the waiters bustling up and +down with all sorts of tempting comestibles; and the gentleman in the +Chesterfield wrapper smoking a cigar at the side of the room, while he +leans back and contemplates the ceiling, as if his whole soul was +concentrated in its smoke-discoloured mouldings. + +The new man is in ecstasies; he beholds the realization of the Arabian +Nights, and when the harmony commences again, he is fairly entranced. At +first, he is fearful of adding the efforts of his laryngeal "little +muscles with the long names" to swell the chorus; but, after the second +glass of stout and a "go of whiskey," he becomes emboldened, and when the +gentleman with the bass voice sings about the Monks of Old, what a jovial +race they were, our friend trolls out how "they laughed, ha, ha!" so +lustily, that he gets quite red in the face from obstructed jugulars, and +applauds, when it has concluded, until everything upon the table performs +a curious ballet-dance, which is only terminated by the descent of the +cruets upon the floor. + +The precise hour at which the new man arrives at home, after this eventful +evening, has never been correctly ascertained; having a latch-key, he is +the only person that could give any authentic information upon this point; +but, unfortunately, he never knows himself. Some few things, however, are +universally allowed, namely, that in extreme cases he is found asleep on +the rug at the foot of the stairs next morning, with the rushlight that +was left in the passage burnt quite away, and all the solder of the +candlestick melted into little globules. More frequently he knocks up the +people of the neighbouring house, under the impression that it is his own, +but that a new keyhole has been fitted to the door in his absence; and, in +the mildest forms of the disease, he drinks up all the water in his +bed-room during the night, and has a propensity for retiring to rest in +his pea-coat and Bluchers, from the obstinate tenacity of his buttons and +straps. The first lecture the next morning fails to attract him; he eats +no breakfast, and when he enters the dissecting-room about one o'clock, +his fellow-students administer to him a pint of ale, warmed by the simple +process of stirring it with a hot poker, with some Cayenne pepper thrown +into it, which he is assured will set to rights the irritable mucous +lining of his stomach. The effect of this remedy is, to send him into a +sound sleep during the whole of the two o'clock anatomical lecture; and +awakened at its close by the applause of the students, he thinks he is +still at the Cyder-cellars, and cries out "Encore!" + + * * * * * + + +RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PREVENTION OF RAILWAY ACCIDENTS. + +Having been particularly struck by the infernal smashes that have recently +taken place on several railroad lines, and having been ourselves forcibly +impressed by a tender, which it must be allowed was rather hard (coming in +collision with ourselves), we have thought over the subject, and have now +the following suggestions to offer:-- + +Behind each engine let there be second and third class carriages, so that, +in the event of a smash, second and third class lives only would be +sacrificed. + +Let there be a van full of stokers before the first class carriages; for, +as the directors appear to be liberal of the stokers' lives, it is +presumed that every railway company has such a glut of them that they can +be spared easily. + +As some of the carriages are said to oscillate, from being too heavy at +the top, let a few copies of "Martinuzzi" be placed as ballast at the +bottom. + +In order that the softest possible lining may be given to the carriages, +let the interior be covered with copies of Sibthorp's speeches as densely +as possible. + +We have not yet been able to find a remedy for the remarkable practice +which prevails in some railways of sending a passenger, like a bank-note, +_cut in half_, for better security. + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID.--NO. 2. + + +PROP. I.--PROBLEM. + + _To describe an Independent Member upon a given indefinite line of + politics._ + +[Illustration: L]Let C R, or Conservative Reform, be the given indefinite +line--it is required to describe on C R an independent member. + +[Illustration] + +With the centre Reform, and at the distance of Conservatism, describe G B +and M--or Graham, Brougham, and Melbourne--the extremes of the Whig +Administration of 1834. + +With the centre Conservatism, and at the distance of Reform, describe G B +and P--or Graham, Buckingham, and Peel--the extremes of the Tory +Administration of 1841. + +From the point Graham, where the administrations cut one another, draw the +lines Graham and Reform, and Graham and Conservatism. + +Then Graham and Conservative Reform is an independent member. + +For because Reform was the centre of the Whig Administration, Graham, +Brougham, and Melbourne + +Therefore Graham and Reform was the same as Reform with a shade +Conservatism. + +And because Conservatism is the centre of the Tory Administration, Graham, +Buckingham, and Peel + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Conservatism with a shade +Reform + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Graham and Reform + +Therefore Graham is either a Conservative or a Reformer, as the case may +require. + +And therefore he is a Conservative Reformer-- + +Wherefore, having three sides, which are all the same to him--viz. Reform, +Conservatism, and himself--he is an independent member, and has been +described as a Conservative Reformer. + +_Quod erat_ double-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. II.--PROBLEM. + + _From a given point to draw out a Radical Member to a given length._ + +Let A or his ancestors be the given point, and an A s s the given length; +it is required to draw out upon the point of his ancestors a Radical +member equal to an A s s. + +[Illustration] + +Connect the A s s with A, his ancestors. + +On the A s s and A his ancestors, describe an independent member S R I, +Sir Robert Inglis. + +Then with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, draw out the A s s to G L and S A, or +great literary and scientific attainments. + +And with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, let R Roebuck, be got into a line upon +A, his ancestors. + +With the A s s in the middle, describe the circulation of T N, or "Times" +newspaper. + +And with SRI, Sir Robert Inglis, as the centre, describe the Circle of the +H of C, or House of Commons. + +Then R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, equals an A s s. + +For because the A s s was in the middle of T N, or "Times" newspaper. + +Therefore the rhodomontade of G L and S A, or great literary and +scientific attainments, was equal to the braying of an A s s. + +And because S R I, or Sir Robert Inglis, was in the centre of H C, or +House of Commons. + +Therefore S R I on G L and S A, or Sir Robert Inglis on the great literary +and scientific attainments, was only to be equalled by S R I and R, or Sir +Robert Inglis and Roebuck. + +But Sir R I is always equal to himself. + +Therefore the remainder, A R, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to the +remaining G L and S A, or great literary and scientific attainments. + +But G L and S A, or the great literary and scientific attainments, have +been shown to be equal to those of an A s s. + +And therefore R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to an A s s. + +Wherefore, from a given point, A, his ancestors, has been drawn out a +Radical member, R, Roebuck, equal to an A s s. + +_Quod erat_ sheep-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. III.--PROBLEM + + _From the greater opposition of two members to a given measure to + cut, off a part, so as it may agree with the less._ + +Let P C and W R, or Peel the Conservative and Wakley the Radical, +represent their different oppositions to the New Poor Law, to which that +of W R, or Wakley the Radical, is greater than that of Peel the +Conservative--it is required to cut off from W R, or Wakley the Radical's +opposition a part, so that it may agree with that of P C, or Peel the +Conservative. + +[Illustration] + +From W, or Wakley, draw W T, or Wakley the Trimmer, the same as P C, or +Peel the Conservative. + +With the centre W or Wakley, and to the extremity of T trimming, describe +the magic circle P L A C E. + +Cutting W R or Wakley the Radical in B P, his Breeches Pocket. + +Then W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with Peel the +Conservative. + +For because the circle P L A C E is described about W or Wakley + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, is of the same opinion +as W T or Wakley the Trimmer. + +But W T or Wakley the Trimmer, agrees with Peel the Conservative. + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with P C or Peel +the Conservative. + +Wherefore, from the greater opposition of W R, Wakley the Radical, to the +New Poor Law, is cut off, W B P, Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, which +exactly coincides with the minor opposition of P C or Peel the +Conservative. + +_Quod erat_ brazen-_face-iendum_. + + * * * * * + + +THE VALUE OF STOCKS--LAST QUOTATION. + +During a rural ramble, the ex-premier was diverted from the mental +Shakesperian sustenance derived from "chewing the cud of sweet and bitter +fancy," by an importunate appeal from a reckless disorderly, who was doing +penance for his anti-teetotal propensities, by performing a two hours' +quarantine in the village stocks. So far from sympathising with the +fast-bound sufferer, his lordship, in a tone of the deepest regret, +deplored, that he had himself not been so tightly secured in his place, +as, had that been the case, he would still have been provided with + +[Illustration: BOARD AND LODGING FOR A SINGLE MAN.] + + * * * * * + +THE LINEN-DRAPER OF LUDGATE. + + Shop fronts are daily "higher" raised. + Our master's "ire" as often; + Would they but raise _our_ "hire" a bit, + 'Twould much our mis'ries soften! + +THE SHOPMEN--POOR DEVILS + + * * * * * + + +SPANISH POLITICS. + +(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Pampeluna, Oct. 1._ + +"An event has just occurred which will doubtless change the dynasty of the +Spanish succession before I have finished my letter. At eleven o'clock +this morning, several officers were amusing themselves at picquet in a +coffee-house. One having played the king, another cried out, 'Ay, the +king! _Vivat_! Down with the Queen! Don Carlos for ever!' This caused a +frightful sensation, and the National Guards are now on their way to +blockade the house. + +"_One o'clock_, P.M.--The National Guards have joined the Carlists, and +the regulars are at this moment flying to arms. + +"_Two o'clock_.--The royal troops are defeated, and Don Carlos is now +being proclaimed King of Spain, &c." + + +(FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Madrid, Oct. 2._ + +"The nominal reign of Don Carlos, commenced at Pampeluna, has been but of +short duration. A diversion has taken place in favour of the husband of +the Queen Regent--Munos, who, having been a private soldier, is thought by +his rank and file camaradoes to have a prior claim to Don Carlos. They +have revolted to a man, and the Carlists tremble in their boots. + +"_Six o'clock_, A.M.--The young Queen has fled the capital--Munos is our +new King, and his throne will no doubt be consolidated by a vigorous +ministry. + +"_Seven o'clock_, A.M.--News has just arrived from Pampeluna that the +Carlists are so disgusted with the counter-revolution, that a +counter-counter-revolution having taken place amongst the shopkeepers, in +favour of the Queen Regent, the Carlists have joined it. After all, the +Queen Mother will doubtless permanently occupy the throne--at least for a +day or two. + +"_Eight o'clock_.--News has just arrived from Biscay of a new revolt, +extending through all the Basque provinces; and they are only waiting for +some eligible pretender to come forward to give to this happy country +another ruler. Advices from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a +rebellious spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly +anticipated during the next twelvemonth." + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. 4. + + And must we part?--well, let it be; + 'Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me; + For though I still was true to thee, + Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me. + Take back this written pledge of love, + No more I'll to my bosom fold it; + The ring you gave, your faith to prove, + I can't return--because I've sold it! + + I will not ask thee to restore + Each _gage d'armour_, or lover's token, + Which I had given thee before + The links between us had been broken. + They were not much, but oh! that brooch, + If for my sake thou'st deign'd to save it, + For that, at least, I must encroach,-- + It wasn't mine, although I gave it. + + The gem that in my breast I wore, + That once belonged unto your mother + Which, when you gave to me, I swore + For life I'd love you, and no other. + Can you forget that cheerful morn, + When in my breast thou first didst stick it?-- + I can't restore it--it's in pawn; + But, base deceiver--that's the ticket. + + Oh, take back all, I cannot bear + These proofs of love--they seem to mock it; + There, false one, take your lock of hair-- + Nay, do not ask me for the locket. + Insidious girl! that wily tear + Is useless now, that all is ended: + There is thy curl--nay, do not sneer, + The locket's--somewhere--being mended. + + The dressing-case you lately gave + Was fit, I know, for Bagdad's caliph; + I used it only once to shave, + When it was taken by the bailiff. + Than thou didst give I bring back less; + But hear the truth, without more dodging-- + The landlord's been with a distress, + And positively cleared my lodging. + + * * * * * + + +CONS. BY O CONNELL. + +What English word expresses the Latin for cold?--"Jelly"-does (_Gelidus_). + +Why is a blackleg called a sharper?--Because he's less blunt than other +men. + +Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?--Because it keeps one _dry_ all +day. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +OLD MAIDS. + +_Sir Philip Brilliant_ is a gentleman of exquisite breeding--a man of +fashion, with a taste for finery, and somewhat of a fop. He reveals his +pretty figure to us, arrayed in all the glories of white and pink satins, +embellished with flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His +servant is performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of +the dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws are +unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find one--nine +valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the money; and _Robert_ +instantly pays a tribute to the title of the play by discovering a +_wrinkle_--equally an emblem of an "Old Maid" and an ill-fitting vest. +This incident shows us that _Sir Philip_ is an amateur in dress; but his +predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to scold his +goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The next scene takes +us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon Ludgate-hill. We are +inside the shop of the goldsmith, _Master Blount_, most likely the founder +of the firm now conducted by Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons, +who, being brought up to the same trade, and always living together, are, +of course, eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the +shop; the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of +all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and elegance. +The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the subject of their sons, +which happily, (for family quarrels seldom amuse third parties) is put an +end to by a second "shine," brought about by the entrance of _Sir Philip +Brilliant_, to make the threatened complaint about bad workmanship. The +younger and fiery _Thomas Blount_ resents some of _Sir P.B._'s expressions +to his father; this is followed by the usual _badinage_ about swords and +their use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a +duel, and are not disappointed. + +Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman is wounded, +and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his sworn friend for ever. + +The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great revolution has +taken place in the private concerns of the family Blount. _Thomas_, the +younger, has become a colonel in the army; John, having got possession of +the shop, has sold the stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.; +doubtless, to the late _Mr. Rundell's_ great-grandfather; and has set up +for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society he is +indebted to _Robert_, whom he has mistaken for a Baronet, and who presents +him to several of his fellow-knights of the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for +the occasion, lords and ladies, exactly as it happens in the farce of +"High Life Below Stairs." + +But where are the "Old Maids" all this time? Where, indeed! _Lady Blanche_ +and _Lady Anne_ are young and beautiful--exquisitely lovely; for they are +played by Madame Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that +directly they appear, the spectator assures himself that they are _not_ +the "Old Maids." To be sure they seem to have taken a sort of vow of +celibacy; but their fascinating looks--their beauty--their enchanting +manners, offer a challenge to the whole bachelor world, that would make +the keeping of such a vow a crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble +long on that account. _Lady Blanche_, has, we are informed, taken to +disguising herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the +character of a yeoman's daughter, she entered _Blount's_ shop, and fell in +love with _Thomas_: at this exact part of the narrative _Colonel Blount_ +is announced, attended by his sworn friend, _Sir Philip Brilliant_. A sort +of partial recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a +dreadful state of suspense till the commencement of another act. + +_Sir Philip_, who has formerly loved _Lady Blanche_ without success, now +tries his fortune with _Lady Anne_; and at this point, dramatic invention +ends; for, excepting the mock-marriage of _John Blount_ with a +lady's-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the vicissitudes the two +pair of lovers go through--all of their own contrivance, on purpose to +make themselves as wretched as possible--till the grand clearing up, which +always takes place in every last scene, from the "Adelphi" of Terence (or +Yates), down to the "Old Maids" of Mr. Sheridan Knowles. + + * * * * * + +COCORICO, OR MY AUNT'S BANTAM. + +Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on their own +account, and depend almost entirely upon the "French," managers have added +a new member to their establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ +a Paris correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be +brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which they +(the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the English market, +they are seldom _neat_ as imported. + +The gentleman who "does" the Parisian correspondence for the Adelphi +Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing the above title; the +fable, of which, like some of Æsop's, principally concerns a hen, that, +however, does not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does--an innocent +little fair who has charge of the fowl--a sort of _Justice Woodcock_, and +a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform of a drum or bugle-major, +calls himself a serjeant. To these may be added, Mr. Yates in his own +private character, and a few sibilants in the pit, who completed the +poultry-nature of the piece by playing the part of geese. + +The plot would have been without interest, but for the accidental +introduction of the last two characters,--or the geese and the +cock-of-the-walk. The pittites, affronted at the extreme puerility of some +of the incidents, and the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This +raffled the feathers of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or +rather at, the wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence +the geese. Mr. Yates spoke--we need not say how or what. Everybody knows +how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his hat, and +smiles, and frowns, and "appeals" and "declares upon his honour" while +agitating the buttons on the left side of his coat, and "entreats" and +"throws himself upon the candour of a British public," and puts the stamp +upon all he has said by an impressive thump of the foot, a final flourish +of the arms, and a triumphal exit to poean-sounding "bravoes!" and to the +utter confusion of all dis--or to be more correct, hiss--sentients. + +In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and _Cocorico_ deserved its +fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the chief character with +much tact and cleverness, singing the vaudevilles charmingly--a most +difficult task, we should say, on account of the adapter, in putting +English words to French music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large +majority of them. Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree +of character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the vampire-trap +of too many young performers--stage conventionalism, and that she copies +from Nature. It is unfortunate for both these clever actresses that they +have been thrust into a piece, which not even their talents could save +from partial ----, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown very +strict. The piece wants _cur_-tailment; which, if previously applied, will +increase the interest, and make it, perhaps, an endurable dramatic + +[Illustration: FRENCH "TAIL"--WITH CUTS.] + + * * * * * + + +PROMENADE CONCERTS. + +The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for his +office--he is several degrees less personable than M. Jullien--he does not +even wear moustaches! and to suppose that a man can beat time properly +without them is ridiculous. He looks a great deal more like a modest, +respectable grocer, than a man of genius; for he neither turns up his eyes +nor his cuffs, and has the indecency to appear without white gloves! His +manners, too, are an insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning +school of music; he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least +grace or _éclat_. He does not spread out both arms like a goose that wants +to fly, while hushing down a _diminuendo_; nor gesticulate like a madman +during the fortes; in short, he only gives out the time in passages where +the players threaten unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those +amateurs who pay their money only for the pleasure of seeing the _bâton_ +flourished about, are defrauded of half their amusement. M. Musard takes +them in--for it must be evident, even to them, that what we have said is +true, and that he possesses scarcely a qualification for the office he +holds--if we make one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)--for he +is nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single +accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself upon the +Cockney _dilettanti_ after M. Jullien, who possessed every other requisite +for a conductor _but_ a knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a +paltry acquirement, and purely mechanical. + +On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles and waltzes +was administered, with an admixture from the dull scores of Beethoven. +Disgusted as we were at the humbug of performing the works of this master +without blue-fire, and an artificial storm in the flies, yet--may we +confess it?--we were nearly as much charmed by the "Andante" from his +Symphonia in A, as if the lights had been put out to give it effect. We +blush for our taste, but thank our _stars_ (Jullien included) that we have +the courage to own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened +Concert d'Eté patronising public. In sober truth, we were ravished! The +pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the _ensemble_ of them +was so complete, the wind instruments were blown so exactly in tune, so +evenly in tone, that the whole passion of that touching andante seemed to +be felt by the entire band, which _went_ as one instrument. The +subject--breaking in as it does, when least expected, and worked about +through nearly every part of the score, so as to produce the most +delicious effects--was played with equal delicacy and feeling by every +performer who had to take it up; while the under-current of accompaniment +was made to blend with it with a masterly command and unanimity of tone, +that we cannot remember to have heard equalled. + +Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of the +audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but coldly. This, +however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, and brass-blurting +of the overture to "Zampa" was noised forth: this was encored with +ecstacies, and so were some of the quadrilles. Happy musical taste! +Beethoven's septour, arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration +unworthy of Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned +to arrange the sailor's hornpipe, as + +[Illustration: A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).] + + * * * * * + + +THE WAR WITH CHINA. + +The celebrated pranks of the "Bull in the China Shop" are likely to be +repeated on a grand scale--the part of the Bull being undertaken, on this +occasion, by the illustrious John who is at the head of the family. + +The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a _chop_, +surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was dished up with a good +deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately forwarded to Elliot. The custom of +sending chops to an enemy is founded on the idea, that the fact of there +being a bone to pick cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than "by +wrapping it up," as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible. + +Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have attacked our +forces with _junk_, from which it has been supposed that our brave tars +have been pitched into with large pieces of salt beef, while the English +commanders have been pelted with _chops_; but this is an error. The thing +called _junk_ is not the article of that name used in the Royal Navy, but +a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that sort of +material, something between wood and paper, of which we in this country +manufacture hat-boxes. + +The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him are afraid +to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been most unmercifully +wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief that they have achieved a +victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who happened to suggest the necessity +for a stronger force, was instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who +can now and then do things by halves, though such is not his ordinary +custom. + +We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will supply us +with the earliest intelligence. + + * * * * * + + +TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS. + +CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS. + +The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly solicited in +behalf of + +JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, author of the +"New Whig Guide," &c., &c., who, from having been considered one of the +first wits of his day, is now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic +indigence. It is earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in +vain, and that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be +restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means he may +be able to continue his contributions to the "Quarterly Review," which +have been recently refused from their utter dulness. + +Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; by the Hon. +and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the House of Commons; +and the Garrick's Head. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED. + +Samuel Rogers, Esq.--Ten puns, and a copy of "Italy." + +Tom Cooke, Esq.--One joke (musical), consisting of "God save the Queen," +arranged for the penny trumpet. + +T. Hood, Esq.--Twenty-three epigrams. + +Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.--A laughable Corn-law pamphlet. + +John Poole, Esq.--A new farce, with liberty to extract all the jokes from +the same, amounting to two _jeux d'esprit_ and a pun. + +Proprietors of PUNCH.--The "copy" for No. 15 of the LONDON +CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and therefore as many +jests. + +Col. Sibthorp.--A conundrum. + +Daniel O'Connell.--An Irish _tail_. + +Messrs. Grissel and Peto.--A _strike_-ing masonic interlude, called "The +Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the Rusty Trowel." + +Commissioner Lin.--A special edict. + +Lord John Russell.--"A new Guide to Matrimony," and a facetious essay, +called "How to leave one's Lodgings." + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE'S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPOEIA. + +Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose physiology is +recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer Copoeia resides, and +whether he is for or against the Corn Laws? + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 16, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14932-8.txt or 14932-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14932/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14932] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>OCTOBER 16, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page157" name="page157"></a>[pg +157]</span> +<h3>TRADE REPORT.</h3> +<h4>(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.)</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/014-01.png"><img src= +"images/014-01.png" alt= +"A man with a brace of rabbits on a pole forms a letter T." id= +"img014-01" name="img014-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">T</span>he market has been in a most +extraordinary state all the morning. Our first advices informed us +that feathers were getting very heavy, and that lead was a great +deal brisker than usual. In the fish-market, flounders were not so +flat as they had been, and, to the surprise of every one, were +coming round rapidly.</p> +<p>The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a +smoothness to the transactions of the day, which had a visible +effect on business. Every species of fats were in high demand, but +the glut of mutton gave a temporary check to the general facility +of the ordinary operations.</p> +<p>The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having +caused an unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of +a parish union, gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, +which had been exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning.</p> +<p>We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who +is up to every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that +the flouring system must soon prove the destruction of fair and +fowl commerce. We do not wish to be premature, but our informant is +a person in whom we place the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there +is every reason why we should depend upon so respectable an +authority.</p> +<p>Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, +and even that was not in a dealer’s hands, but was being used +by a basket-woman, who was darning a stocking. After this, who can +be surprised at the stoppage of the factories?</p> +<p>Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, +seemed to be merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a +view to future dealings.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.</h2> +<p>The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is +confined to the investigation of the materials which compose this +terrestrial globe;—in its more extended signification, it +relates, also, to the examination of the different layers or strata +of society, as they are to be met with in the world.</p> +<p>Society is divided into three great strata, called High +Life—Middle Life—and Low Life. Each of these strata +contains several classes, which have been ranged in the following +order, descending from the highest to the lowest—that is, +from the drawing-room of St. James’s to the cellar in St. +Giles’s.</p> +<table summary="geology of society" border="1" style= +"width:90%; margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td rowspan="8">High Life.</td> +<td rowspan="5" style="text-align:center;"><em>Superior +Class.</em></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">ST. JAMES'S SERIES.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People wearing coronets.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People related to coronets.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People having no coronet, but who expect to get one.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a +carriage.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td rowspan="8" style="text-align:center;"><em>Transition +Class.</em></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">SECONDARY.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">(<em>Russell-square +group.</em>)</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People who keep a carriage, but are silent respecting their +grandfathers.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td rowspan="9">Middle Life.</td> +<td>People who give dinners to the superior series.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People who talk of the four per cents, and are suspected of +being mixed up in a grocery concern in the City.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">(<em>Clapham group.</em>)</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People who “confess the Cape,” and say, that though +Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in Fenchurch-street, he +needn’t do it if he didn’t like.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People who keep a shop “concern” and a one-horse +shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the dog-days.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td rowspan="5" style="text-align:center;"><em>Metamorphic +Class.</em></td> +<td>People who keep a “concern,” but no shay, do the +genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn occasions.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>People, known as “shabby-genteels,” who prefer +walking to riding, and study Kidd’s “How to live on a +hundred a-year.”</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">INFERIOR SERIES.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">(<em>Whitechapel group.</em>)</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td rowspan="4">Low Life.</td> +<td>People who dine at one o’clock, and drink stout out of +the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td rowspan="3">Primitive Formation.</td> +<td>People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in pleasure +“wans” to Richmond on Sundays in summer.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">(<em>St. Giles’s +group.</em>)</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three +great divisions of society, namely, <em>High Life, Low Life</em>, +and <em>Middle Life</em>, are subdivided, or more properly, +sub-classed, into the Superior, Transition, and Metamorphic +classes. Lower still than these in the social scale is the +Primitive Formation—which may be described as the basis and +support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may +be distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; +they effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class +comprehends the <em>St. Giles’s Group</em>—(which is +the lowest of all the others, and is found only in the great London +basin)—and that portion of the Whitechapel group whose +individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure ‘wans’ +to Richmond on Sundays. In man’s economy the <em>St. +Giles’s Group</em> are exceedingly important, being usually +employed in the erection of buildings, where their great durability +and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in order is the +Metamorphic class—so called, because of the singular +metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; +their common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that +of the <em>St. Giles’s Group</em>, being changed, on Sundays, +to a variegated-coloured surface, with bright buttons and a shining +“four-and-nine”—goss. This class includes the +upper portion of the <em>Whitechapel Group</em>, and the two lower +strata of the <em>Clapham Group</em>. The <em>Whitechapel +Group</em> is the most elevated layer of the inferior series. The +Shabby Genteel stratum occupies a wide extent on the Surrey side of +the water—it is part of the <em>Clapham Group</em>, and is +found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of Kennington, +Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to be +met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary +formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil +remains—a great variety of miscellaneous articles—such +as watches, rings, and silk waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found +firmly imbedded in what are technically termed <em>avuncular +depositories</em>. The deposition of these matters has been +referred by the curious to various causes; the most general +supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on +some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the +owner, his wife, or daughter, from their original to their present +position, and left amongst an accumulation of “popped” +articles from various districts. The chief evidence on this point +is not derived from the fossils themselves, but from their +<em>duplicates</em>, which afford the most satisfactory proof of +the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear +originally to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square +have been frequently found in the depositories of the district +between Bethnal-green and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they +could have been conveyed to such a distance, is a question that has +long puzzled the ablest geologists. Immediately above the +“shabby genteel” stratum are found the people who +“keep a shop concern, but no shay;” it is the uppermost +layer of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be +detected mingling with the supra-genteel <em>Clapham Group</em>. +The “shop and no shay” stratum forms a considerable +portion of the London basin. It is characterised by its coarseness +of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech. Its animal +remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and obese +tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft +formation, separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles +quilts, by interposing strata of thick double Witneys.</p> +<p>Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we +shall pause until next week, when we shall commence with the lower +portion of the TRANSITION CLASS—the “shop and shay +people”—and, as we hope, convince our readers of the +immense importance of our subject, and the great advantage of +studying the strata of human life</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-02.png"><img src= +"images/014-02.png" alt= +"A large man falls onto a child and a desk." id="img014-02" name= +"img014-02" width="70%" /></a> +<p>UNDER A GREAT MASTER.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>COVENTRY’S WISE PRECAUTION.</h3> +<p>Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange +fact that the Earl of Devon’s harriers last week gave chase, +in his demesne, to an unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces +before they could be called off; upon which his lordship asked for +a piece of chalk and a slate, and composed the following <em>jeu +d’esprit</em> on the circumstance:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I’m truly shocked that Devon’s hounds</p> +<p class="i2">The gentle ass has slain;</p> +<p>For <em>me</em> to shun his lordship’s grounds,</p> +<p class="i2">It seems a warning plain.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA.</h3> +<p>It is generally reported that the usual <em>drill</em> +continuations of the British tars are about to be altered by those +manning the fleet off China, who purpose adopting <em>Nankin</em> +as soon as possible.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE VERY “NEXT” JONATHAN.</h3> +<p>There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate <em>upright</em> +in all his dealings, that he won’t sit down to eat his +meals.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page158" name="page158"></a>[pg +158]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-03.png"><img src= +"images/014-03.png" alt= +"A man carries a girl in a box on his back. A ship sits atop the box." +id="img014-03" name="img014-03" width="70%" /></a></div> +<h2>POOR JACK.</h2> +<p>A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. +Twenty-four hours’ liberty has made him the happiest dog in +existence; and the only drawback to his perfect felicity, is the +difficulty of getting rid of his prize-money within the allotted +time. It must, however, be confessed, that he displays a vast deal +of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending his rhino. +Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the +long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; +but even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the +desired object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a +number of brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the +coaches, fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that +Jack is put to his wits’-end; and it is only by buying +cocked-hats and top-boots for the boat’s-crew, or some such +absurdity, that he can get all his cash scattered before he is +obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a sailor +<em>ashore</em>, but a sailor <em>aground</em> is a different being +altogether. An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may +be frost-nipped at the pole, or get a <em>coup de soleil</em> in +the tropics, and then be turned upon the world to shape his course +amongst its rocks and shallows, with the bitter blast of poverty in +his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so easily; although run +aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a cheerful heart, +goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing “the dangers +of the sea,” and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the +coppers that drop, “like angel visits,” into his little +oil-skin hat.</p> +<p>These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, +are to be met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the +neighbourhood of Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be +indigenous. The most remarkable specimen of the class may, however, +frequently be seen about the streets of London, carrying at his +back a good-sized box, inside which, and peeping through a sort of +port-hole, a pretty little girl of some two years old exhibits her +chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small model of a frigate, all +a-tant and ship-shape, represents “Her Majesty’s (God +bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o’ which the +exhibitor lost his blessed limb.”</p> +<p>Jack—we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain +of his baptismal appellation—because Jack is a sort of +generic name for his species—Jack prides himself on his +little Poll and his little ship, which he boasts are the miniature +counterparts of their lovely originals; and with these at his back, +trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence will help him to +“keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag.” +Jack’s songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the +sea—he is a complete repository of Dibdin’s choice old +ballads and fok’sl chaunts. “Tom Bowling,” +“Lovely Nan,” “Poor Jack,” and +“Lash’d to the helm,” with “Cease, rude +Boreas,” and “Rule Britannia,” are amongst his +favourite pieces, but the “Bay of Biscay” is his crack +performance: with this he always commenced, when he wanted to +enlist the sympathies of his auditors,—mingling with the song +sundry interlocutory notes and comments.</p> +<p>Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers +with blessed babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful +descent of coppers, Jack commences by pitching his voice uncommonly +strong, and tossing Poll and the Billy-ruffian from side to side, +to give an idea of the way Neptune sarves the navy,—strikes, +as one may say, into deep water, by plunging into “The Bay of +Biscay,” in the following manner;—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Loud roar’d the dreadful thunder—</p> +<p class="i2">The rain a deluge pours—</p> +<p>Our sails were split asunder,</p> +<p class="i2">By lightning’s vivid pow’rs.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>“Do, young gentleman!—toss a copper to poor little +Poll. Ah! bless you, master!—may you never want a shot in +your locker. Thank the gentleman, Polly—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“The night both drear and dark,</p> +<p>Our poor desarted bark,</p> +<p>There she lay—(lay quiet, Poll!)</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“There she lay—Noble lady in the window, look with +pity on poor Jack, and his little Polly—till next day,</p> +<p>In the Bay of Biscay O.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>“Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked +sailor—cast away on his voyage to the West Ingees, in a +dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took to the long-boat, my lady, +and was thrown on a desart island, three thousand miles from any +land; which island was unfortunately manned by Cannibals, who roast +and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook’s black boy; +and him they potted, my lady, and I’m bless’d but +they’d have potted me, too, if I hadn’t sung out to +them savages, in this ‘ere sort of way, my lady—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Come all you jolly sailors bold,</p> +<p>Whose hearts are cast in honour’s mould,</p> +<p>While British valour I unfold—</p> +<p class="i10">Huzza! for the Arethusa!</p> +<p>She was a frigate stout and brave</p> +<p>As ever stemm’d the dashing wave—</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>“Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has +fought and bled for his country, a trifle to keep him from +foundering. Look, your honour, how I lost my precious limb in the +sarvice. You see we was in the little Tollymakus frigate, cruising +off the banks o’ Newf’land, when we fell in with a +saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, +that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her +out with hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul +down her stripes to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your +honour, I caught a chance ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and +left me to sing—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">“My name d’ye see’s Tom Tough,</p> +<p class="i6">And I’ve seen a little sarvice,</p> +<p>Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow,</p> +<p class="i4">I’ve sail’d with noble Howe,</p> +<p class="i6">And I’ve fought with gallant Jarvis,</p> +<p>And in gallant Duncan’s fleet I’ve +sung—yo-heave-oh!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>“A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack’s loyalty and +eloquence. A violent tossing of Polly and the ship testify his +gratitude; and pocketing the coin he has collected, he puts about, +and shapes his course for some other port, singing lustily as he +goes—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Farewell, POOR JACK!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES!</h3> +<p>Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at +the indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, +where, it seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has +been formed by the duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for +obtaining favourable views are anxiously sought after by elderly +gentlemen, by whom opera glasses and pocket telescopes are much +patronised. Greatly as we admire the investigation of nature in her +unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be the last place we should +select, if we were</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-04.png"><img src= +"images/014-04.png" alt= +"A reading man walks over the edge of a precipice." id="img014-04" +name="img014-04" width="30%" /></a> +<p>GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name="page159"></a>[pg +159]</span> +<h2>PROSPECTUS</h2> +<p class="cen">OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM +INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT +SOCIETY.</p> +<h3>CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS,</h3> +<h4>IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARES—HALF DEPOSIT,</h4> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>THE DIRECTORS</h4> +<p class="cen">To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting +Surgeons of the various Metropolitan hospitals.</p> +<h4>ACTING SECRETARIES,</h4> +<p class="cen">The County Coroners.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits +will be divided among such of the assured as can come to claim +them.</p> +<p>The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double +advantage (so great a <em>desideratum</em> to all railroad +travellers) of being at one and the same time connected with a +“Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation Assurance +Company.”</p> +<p>The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general +intention of the directors. Deep attention is requested to the +various classes:—</p> +<h4>CLASS I.</h4> +<p>Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly +doubly hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as +follows:—</p> +<table summary="insurance" style="margin:auto;width:80%;"> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td>PER CENT.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Engineer, first six months, total life</td> +<td>90</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Legs, at per each</td> +<td>74</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Arms, ditto ditto</td> +<td>60</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for</td> +<td>55</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Dislocations and contusions, per score</td> +<td>50</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>N.B.—A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after +the first six months.</p> +<p>First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the +stuffing of all carriages, except the one immediately next the +engine, which will be charged as above.</p> +<h4>STOKERS.</h4> +<p>Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as +the trains have passed over more than once, and a considerable +reduction if scalds are not included.</p> +<p><em>Exceptions</em>.—All who have five small children, and +are only just appointed.</p> +<h4>SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS.</h4> +<p>In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly +stowed together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape +while crushing those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still +leaving a living profit to the directors, may be made in their +favour. Thus the terms proposed for effecting their policies will +be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first class.</p> +<p>To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected +from station to station, or on particular limbs. The following are +the rates, the insurers paying down the premium at +starting:—</p> +<table summary="2nd class insurance" style= +"width:80%; margin:auto; text-align:right;"> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td style="width:10%;">£</td> +<td style="width:10%;"><em>s.</em></td> +<td style="width:10%;"><em>d.</em></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">First Class, leg</td> +<td>1</td> +<td>11</td> +<td>6</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Second ditto ditto</td> +<td>1</td> +<td>7</td> +<td>9</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">First class, arm</td> +<td>1</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Second ditto ditto</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>14</td> +<td>3</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">First Class, bridge of nose (very +common with cuts from glass)</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>8</td> +<td>9</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Second ditto ditto (common with +contusions from wooden frames)</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>6</td> +<td>4</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">First Class, teeth each</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>9</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Whole set</td> +<td>1</td> +<td>1</td> +<td>0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Second Class, ditto</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>4¾</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Whole set</td> +<td>0</td> +<td>12</td> +<td>2</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Necks, where the parties do not carry +engraved cards with name and address, First Class</td> +<td>5</td> +<td>5</td> +<td>0</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:left;">Second ditto</td> +<td>3</td> +<td>3</td> +<td>4</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the +Company pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, +scratches, contusions, &c., &c.</p> +<p>All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or +recovery of the individual.</p> +<p>A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, +strapping, bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister.</p> +<p>Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, +experimental tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate +consumption.</p> +<p>Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, +at the New Highgate Cemetery.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NOTHING NEW.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Tories are, truly, <em>Conservative</em> elves,</p> +<p>For every one knows they take care of themselves.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SCHOOL OF DESIGN.</h3> +<p>The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as +to the elegant acquirements of the various <em>attachés</em> +of the new Tory premier. The peculiar avidity with which they one +and all appear determined to secure the salaries for their various +suppositionary services, must convince the most sceptical that they +have carefully studied the art of drawing.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION.</h2> +<p>None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure +love of their country; no person who has not reposed in the +luxuriously-cushioned chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can +conceive the amount of business Sir Robert and his colleagues have +transacted during the three months they have been in office. The +people, we know, have been crying for bread—the manufacturers +are starving—but their rebellious appetites will be +appeased—their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when +they are told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for +them. How will they blush for their ingratitude when they find that +the following great measures have been triumphantly carried through +Parliament by Sir Robert’s exertions—The VENTILATING OF +THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye thin-gutted weavers of +Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and bless the man who +gives your representatives fresh air—though he denies +you—a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense +boon—The ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the +gaunt fiend Famine sits at your board, when you can console +yourselves with the reflection that cucumbers and asparagus will be +abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! But Sir Robert does not stop +here. What follows next?—The FOREIGN BISHOPS’ BILL! See +how our spiritual wants are cared for by your tender-hearted +Tories—they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being fed +on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of +Foreign Bishops. After that comes—The REPORT OF THE +LUNATICS’ BILL. This important document has been founded on +the proceedings in the Upper House, and is likely to be of vast +service to the nation at large. Next follows the EXPIRING +LAWS’ BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in +the title of this bill, and that it should be read “Expiring +<em>Justice</em> Bill!” As to expiring laws—‘tis +all a fallacy. One of the glorious privileges of the English +Constitution is, that the laws never expire—neither do the +lawyers—they are everlasting. Justice may die in this happy +land, but law—never!</p> +<p>Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince +Albert’s stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these +animals must be lodged, ay, and fed; and the people—the +creatures whom God made after his own image—the poor wretches +who want nothing but a little bread, will lie down hungry and +thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses are in +the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the +great crowning work of Ministers—the Queen’s speech on +the Prorogation of the Parliament last week. What an admirable +illustration it was of that profound logical deduction—that, +out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was deduction—that, out +of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether without design, +and though some sneering critics have called the old song—the +burthen of it was clearly—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-05.png"><img src= +"images/014-05.png" alt="A man drops a slop bucket on a gentleman." +id="img014-05" name="img014-05" width="70%" /></a> +<p>DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM!</h3> +<p>MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy +publisher upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, +fortunately espied the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed +vendor of volumes actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the +first volume. “Heavy,” retorted Silk, “nonsense, +sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is that masterly +production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an +obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings,</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-06.png"><img src= +"images/014-06.png" alt= +"A windy clothes line with three sheets on it." id="img014-06" +name="img014-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND.”</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page160" name="page160"></a>[pg +160]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER.</h2> +<p>Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute +necessity involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness +as the reduction of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of +epistolatory correspondence. Some great key-stone to this abstruse +science—some accurate data from which all sorts and +conditions of people may at once receive instruction and +assistance, has been long wanting.</p> +<p>Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great +classes, viz.: those who write to ask favours, and those who write +to refuse them. There is a vague notion extant, that in former days +a third genus existed—though by no means proportionate to the +other two—they were those who wrote “to grant +favours;” these were also remarkable for enclosing +remittances and paying the double postage—at least, so we are +assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them +and their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction +that the race has been long extinct.</p> +<p>Those who write to ask, may be divided into—</p> +<ol style="list-style-position: inside;"> +<li>—Creditors.</li> +<li>—Constituents.</li> +<li>—Sons.</li> +<li>—Daughters.</li> +<li>—Their offspring.</li> +<li>—Nephews, nieces.</li> +<li>—Indistinct cousins, and</li> +<li>—Unknown, dear, and intimate friends.</li> +</ol> +<p>Those who write to refuse, are</p> +<ol style="list-style-position: inside;"> +<li>—Debtors.</li> +<li>—Members of Parliament</li> +<li>—Fathers.</li> +<li>—Mothers.</li> +<li>—Their kin.</li> +<li>—Uncles.</li> +<li>—Aunts.</li> +<li>—Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, +who will do anything but what the askers want.</li> +</ol> +<p>We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the +above parties by laying before them the proper formulæ for +their respective purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is +composed of two great classes, which, though they run into various +ramifications, still retain their original distinguishing +characteristics—namely, that of being either +“debtors” or “creditors”—we will give +the general information necessary for the construction of their +future effusions.</p> +<p class="cen">(Firstly.)</p> +<p class="note">From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right +honourable, being a debtor.</p> +<p class="rgt"><em>Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841</em>.</p> +<p>MY LORD,—I have done myself the honour of forwarding your +lordship a splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it +will be approved of by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your +lordship’s small account, the payment of which will be most +acceptable to your lordship’s most</p> +<p class="rgt">Obedient very humble servant,<br /> +GILBERT GRIPES.</p> +<h6>THE ANSWER TO THE SAME.</h6> +<p>The sample is tolerable—send in thirty dozen—add +them to your account—and let my steward have them punctually +on December 17, 1849.</p> +<p class="rgt">BOSKEY.</p> +<p>P.S.—I expect you’ll allow discount.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Secondly.)</p> +<p class="note">From a creditor, being a “victim,” +“schneider,” “sufferer,” or +“tailor,” to one who sets off his wares by wearing the +same, being consequently a debtor.</p> +<p>HONOURED SIR,—I can scarcely express my delight at your +kind compliments as to the fit and patterns of the last +seventy-three summer waistcoats; the rest of the order is in hand. +I enclose a small account of 490l. odd, which will just meet a +heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by return of post, to +your obliged and devoted</p> +<p class="rgt">Humble servant,<br /> +ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH.</p> +<p>P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c.</p> +<h6>ANSWER TO THE SAME</h6> +<p class="rgt"><em>Albany</em>.</p> +<p>You be d—d, <em>Backstitch</em>.</p> +<p class="rgt">PENTWISTLE PINK.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Thirdly.)</p> +<p class="note">From a constituent in the country, being a creditor +“upon promises,” to a returned member of Parliament in +town.</p> +<p class="rgt"><em>Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841</em>.</p> +<p>DEAR SIR,—The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble +individual) and the immense body of your enraptured constituents +felt upon reading your truly patriotic, statesman-like, learned, +straightforward and consistent speech, may be conceived by a person +of your immense parliamentary imagination, but cannot be expressed +by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my trifling +exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly +recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the +earnest wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of +being near such a representative, which alone induces him to accept +the situation of landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his +preparing for. You will, I am sure, be happy to learn, the last +baby, as you desired is christened after:—“the +country’s, the people’s, nay, the world’s +member!”</p> +<p>Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever +your staunch supporter and admirer,</p> +<p class="rgt">FUNK FLAT.</p> +<p>To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Fourthly.)</p> +<h6>ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P.</h6> +<p class="rgt"><em>St. Stephen’s</em>.</p> +<p>DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,—I am more than happy. My return +for your borough has satisfied <em>you</em>, my country, and +myself! What can I say more? Pray give both my names to the dear +innocent. Be careful in the spelling, two “M’s” +in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and +immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every +point of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you +<em>soon</em>—you cannot TOO SOON—and believe me,</p> +<p class="rgt">My dear Funk, yours ever,<br /> +GRIPE GAMMON.</p> +<p>Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Fifthly.)</p> +<h6>FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER).</h6> +<p class="rgt"><em>Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841</em>.</p> +<p>MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,—All’s right, the two +<em>M’s</em> are in <em>their</em> places, when will Joe be +in <em>his?</em> I know your heart; pray excuse my earnestness, but +oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near so kind, so +dear, so sincere a friend.</p> +<p class="rgt">More devotedly than ever yours,<br /> +FUNK FLAT</p> +<p>G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Sixthly.)</p> +<h6>ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE.</h6> +<p class="rgt"><em>St. Stephen’s</em>.</p> +<p>How can I express my feelings? <em>My</em> name, <em>mine</em> +engrafted on the innocent offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, +evermore to be by them and their heirs handed down to posterity! +How I rejoice at that circumstance, and the intelligence I have so +happily received about the wretched situation you speak of. Fancy, +Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of rashness, I meant to +succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible disorder attendant +upon the duties of those d—d landing-waiterships. What an +escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so +there’s no fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever,</p> +<p class="rgt">Your sincere and much relieved friend,<br /> +GRIPE GAMMON.</p> +<p>To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.</p> +<p>From this time forward the correspondence, like “Irish +reciprocity,” is “all on one side.” It generally +consists of four-and-twenty letters from the constituent in the +country to the returned member in town. As these are <em>never +opened</em>, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a +<em>blank sheet of paper</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Seventhly.)</p> +<h6>FROM SONS TO FATHERS.</h6> +<p class="cen">(Several.)</p> +<p>DEAR FATHER,—Studies +continued—(blot)—profession—future +hopes—application—increased expenses—irate +landlady—small remittance—duty—love—say +twenty-five pounds—best wishes—sister, mother, all at +home.</p> +<p class="rgt">Dutiful son,<br /> +JOHN JOSKIN.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Eighthly.)</p> +<h6>ANSWER TO THE SAME.</h6> +<p>Delighted—assiduity—future fortune—great +profession!—Increase of family—no cash—best +prayers, sister, mother.</p> +<p class="rgt"><em>Loving father!</em><br /> +JOSKIN, SEN.</p> +<p>N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is +good for all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in +letter of asker. Strong dose of oaths in refuser’s +answer.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Ninthly.)</p> +<h6>FROM “DEAR AND INTIMATE” TO A “DITTO +DITTO.”</h6> +<p class="rgt"><em>Brighton</em>.</p> +<p>MY DEAR TOM,—How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy +as a prince; that is, I should be if you were with me. You know +when we first met! what a time it was! do you remember? How the old +times come back, and really almost the same circumstances! Pray do +you recollect I wanted one hundred and fifty then? isn’t it +droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it yourself.</p> +<p class="rgt">Ever yours.<br /> +FITZBROWN SMITH.</p> +<p>T. Tims, Esq.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">(Tenthly.)</p> +<h6>ANSWER FROM “THE DITTO DITTO” TO “THE DITTO +DITTO.”</h6> +<p>OLD FELLOW,—Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you +joy—wish I was with you, but can’t come. Damn the last +Derby—regularly stump’d—cleaned out—and +done Brown!—not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I +am. Here’s your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my +Opera-box and a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French +hazard.</p> +<p class="rgt">Ever, your most devoted friend,<br /> +T. TIMS.</p> +<p>F. Smith, Esq.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page161" name="page161"></a>[pg +161]</span> +<h2>THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER.</h2> +<h3>A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL.</h3> +<p>At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the +year of grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious +and close-shaving barber. His industry met with due encouragement +from the bearded portion of the community; and the softer sex, +whose greatest fault is fickleness, generally selected Hans for the +honour of new-fronting them, when they had grown tired of the +ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had frosted.</p> +<p>Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old +burghers foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a +misfortune, which promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave +him a beggar. He fell in love.</p> +<p>Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all +remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their +patience and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter +saw the flies of summer scattered on his show-board.</p> +<p>Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes +were as blue as a summer’s sky, her cheeks as rosy as an +autumn sunset, and her teeth as white as winter’s snow. Her +hair was a beautiful flaxen—not a <em>drab</em>—but +that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of old +were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in +<em>alt</em> were equal to Grisi’s: in short, she would have +been a very desirable, loveable young lady, if she had not been a +coquette.</p> +<p>Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise +of the burgomaster’s second wife—I beg pardon, I mean +in celebration of his union with his third bride. From that day +Hans was a lost barber. Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, +weaving, or powdering, he thought of nothing but Agnes. His +love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward predicaments. And +Agnes—what thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing, except +that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable +garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, +after sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of +his remaining stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a +gentleman. The measure had been taken by the tailor, the garments +had been basted and tried on, and Hans was standing at his door in +a state of feverish excitement, awaiting their arrival in a +completed condition (as there was to be <em>fête</em> on the +morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger +requested to be shaved. Hans wished him at the —— next +barber’s; but there was something so unpleasantly positive in +the visitor’s appearance, that he had not the power to +object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed +his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each +side of his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans +commenced operations—the lather dried as fast as he laid it +on, and the razor emitted small sparks as it encountered the +bristles on the stranger’s chin, Hans felt particularly +uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto passed on either side, +when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather abruptly, +“Have you any schnapps in the house?” Hans jumped like +a parched pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and +opened the cupboard. “I never take anything stronger than +water,” said Hans, in reply, to the “pshaw!” +which broke from the stranger’s lips as he smelt at the +contents of a little brown pitcher. “More fool you,” +replied his customer. “Here taste that—some of the +richest grape-blood of Rheingau;” and he handed Hans a small +flask, which the sober barber respectfully declined. “Ha! ha! +and yet you hope to thrive with the women,” said the +stranger. “No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But +drink, man! drink!”</p> +<p>The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his +chair, hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his +finger briskly down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his +tobacco, and then he puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the +shop coughed aloud. The uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked +towards the door with the most cowardly intention; and, lo! two +laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in at them. “Ha! how +are you?” said the stranger; “come in! come in!” +and to Hans’ horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the +shop. Hans felt scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful +remonstrance, when he encountered the eye of his impertinent +customer; and, from its sinister expression, he thought it wise to +be silent. One of the damsels seated herself upon the +stranger’s knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly to +the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and +blinks, and “wreathed smiles.”</p> +<p>“’Sblitzen!” exclaimed the lady, “the +man’s an icicle!”</p> +<p>“Hans, you’re a fool!” said the stranger; and +his enamorata concurred in the opinion. The flask was again +proffered—the eye-artillery again brought into action, but +Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes Flirtitz.</p> +<p>The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head +ornaments, as though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious +conduct of the barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies +out. As he stood with one foot on the step of the door, he turned +his head scornfully over his shoulder, and said, “Hans, you +are nothing but—a barber; but before I eat, you shall repent +of your present determination.”</p> +<p>“What security have I that you will keep your word?” +replied Hans, who felt emboldened by the outside situation of his +customer, and the shop poker, of which he had obtained +possession.</p> +<p>“The best in the world,” said the stranger. +“Here, take these!” and placing both rows of his teeth +in the hands of the astonished Hans, he quietly walked up the +street with the ladies.</p> +<p>The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the +tailor, entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. +The stranger was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried +on, and they fitted to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of +looking-glass was held in every direction by the delighted tailor, +who declared this performance his <em>chef-d’œuvre</em> +and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he looked like +a gentleman. Without a moment’s hesitation, or the slightest +hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last +thaler, and his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook +Stitz’s hand at parting, till every bone of the +tailor’s fingers ached for an hour afterwards, bolted the +door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in +Stocksbawler.</p> +<p>After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the +oddest sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, +the chairs lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; +but attributing this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he +proceeded to put on his pantaloons. With great care he thrust his +left leg into its proper division, when, to his horror and +amazement, he found that he had grown <em>two feet at least during +the night</em>; and that the pantaloons which had fitted so +admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the +window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the +street, when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the +preceding day, who was leaning against the gable-end of the house +opposite, quietly smoking his meerschaum. Hans paused; then +thought, and then concluded that having found an appetite, he had +repented of his boast at parting, and had called for his teeth. +Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and opening +the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the summons, +but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the +conditions of the wager. To Hans’ great surprise he seemed +perfectly acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and +good-naturedly offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the +barber’s dilemma. The stranger departed, and in a few moments +the tailor arrived, and having ascertained by his inch measure the +truth of Hans’ conjectures, bade him be of good cheer, as he +had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. They had been +made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to call for +them, or suspected that Stitz would require the <em>gelt</em> +before he gave up the broadcloth.</p> +<p>The tailor was right—they did fit—and in an hour +afterwards Hans was on his way to the <em>fête</em>. When he +arrived there many of his old friends stood agape for a few +moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany than a man +growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the +alteration in Hans’ appearance. Agnes was evidently struck +with the improvement of the barber’s figure, and for two +whole hours did he enjoy the extreme felicity of making +half-a-dozen other young gentlemen miserable, by monopolising the +arm and conversation of the beauty of Stocksbawler. But pleasure, +like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as Hans and Agnes +turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the +stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his +heart seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, +he found that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that +the garment of the giant hung about him in anything but graceful +festoons. He felt that he was a human telescope, that some infernal +power could elongate or shut up at pleasure.</p> +<p>The whole band of jealous rivals set up the “Laughing +Chorus,” and Agnes, in the extremity of her disgust, turned +up her nose till she nearly fractured its bridge, whilst Hans +rushed from the scene of his disgrace, and never stopped running +until he opened the door of his little shop, threw himself into a +chair, and laid his head down upon an old “family +Bible” which chanced to be upon the table. In this position +he continued for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his +tormentor and the two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the +centre of the apartment.</p> +<p>“Well, Scrapshins,” said the gentleman, “I +have called for my teeth. You see I have kept my promise.” +Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled.</p> +<p>“Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the +flask—forget Agnes, and console yourself with the love +of”—</p> +<p>The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; +for Hans, at this moment, took up the family volume which had +served him for a pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A +scream, so loud that it broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed +to issue from them simultaneously—a thick vapour filled the +room, which gradually cleared off, and left no traces of +Hans’ visitors but three small sticks of stone brimstone. The +truth flashed upon the barber—his visitor was the far-famed +Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor, +strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon +Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a +thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of +Stocksbawler. Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband +and a father; but the coquette who had nearly been his ruin had +eloped with the <em>chasseur</em> of a travelling nobleman.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY.</h3> +<p>Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. +Farr’s “Medical Guide to Nice,” and is much +disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of the eternally-talked +of “<em>Nice</em> Young Man,” in the costume of the +country. He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, +for his remarks show him not to have been “over +<em>Nice</em>.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>COOMBE’S LUNGS AND LEARNING.</h3> +<p>Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical +process, invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. +Our and Finsbury’s friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his +opinion, this must be the origin of the received expression for the +mighty savans, viz., the “lights of literature.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page162" name="page162"></a>[pg +162]</span> +<h2>PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.—PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES.</h2> +<p>Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons +should have happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is +prorogued. Now, deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his +train of apothecaries and pestle-and-mortar apprentices, who, until +February next, are to sit cross-legged and try to think, there are +at least six hundred and thirty unemployed members of the House of +Commons, turned upon the world with nothing, poor fellows! but +grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick their teeth, in the +Gardens of the Tuileries—some may even now venture to +exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,—but with every +possible and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of +unemployed law-makers, to whom time will be a heavy porter’s +burden.</p> +<p>We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon +us the gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make +all Members of Parliament, for once in their lives at least, +useful. The masons, hired to build the new temples of Parliament, +have struck. The hard-handed ingrates,—let them go! We +propose that, during the prorogation at least, Members of +Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a +word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be +compelled, like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before +he could sit down upon it.</p> +<p>Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the +task, in the habits of what in our human arrogance we call the +lower animals? There is many a respectable spider who would justly +feel himself calumniated by any comparison between him and any one +of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we <em>could</em> name; yet the +spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of refuge from the +Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny insect, the +ant—that living, silent monitor to unregarding men—doth +it not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own +abiding place? Does not the mole scratch its own chamber—the +carrion kite build its own nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of +Parliament alone be lodged at others’ pains?</p> +<p>Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of +paper.—(it is said, on wasp’s paper you are wont to +write your thoughts on Ireland)—and resolutely seize a +trowel!</p> +<p>Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its +virgin wax, how it shapes its luscious cone—and though we +would not trust you to place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you +may, under instruction, mix the mortar!</p> +<p>Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETT—see +how craftily it makes its hole—and though you are too +age-stricken to carry a hod, you may at least do this +much—sift the lime.</p> +<p>But wherefore thus particular—why should we dwell on +individuals? Pole-cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your +vermin affinities, come forth, and staring reproachfully in the +faces of all prorogued Members, bid them imitate your zeal and +pains, and—the masons having struck—build their Houses +for themselves.</p> +<p>(We make this proposal in no thoughtless—no bantering +spirit. He can see very little into the most transparent mill-stone +who believes that we pen these essays—essays that will endure +and glisten as long, ay as long as the freshest mackerel—if +he think that we sit down to this our weekly labour in a careless +lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON BULWER, when he +girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we approach our +work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always dress +for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote +“Richelieu” in a harlequin’s jacket (sticking +pirate’s pistols in his belt, ere he valorously <em>took</em> +whole scenes from a French melo-drama): <em>we</em> penned our last +week’s essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a tie-wig +askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a +court-suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers +crisped, and a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having +subsided into our chair—it is in most respects like the +porphyry piece of furniture of the Pope—and our housekeeper +having played the Dead March in Saul on our chamber organ (BULWER +wrote “The Sea Captain” to the preludizing of a +Jew’s-harp), we enter on our this week’s labour. We +state thus much, that our readers may know with what pains we +prepare ourselves for them. Besides, when BULWER thinks it right +that the world should know that the idea of “La +Vailière” first hit him in the rotonde of a French +diligence, modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not +be anxious to learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, +when we scratch our head to assist the thought that sticks by the +way, we displace a velvet cap or a Truefitt’s scalp?)</p> +<p>Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a +line of it—the omission will not maim our argument. So to +proceed.</p> +<p>If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we +shall find that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have +exhibited the most extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And +then their capacity of endurance! Arguments that would have knocked +down any reasonable elephant have touched them no more than would +summer gnats. Well, why not awake this sleeping strength? Why not +divert a mischievous potency into beneficial action? Why should we +confine a body of men to making laws, when so many of them might be +more usefully employed in wheeling barrows? Now there is Mr. +PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays +respectable—would he not be working far more enduring utility +with pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the +flowing of the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not D’ISRAELI be +turned into a very jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light +interior work of both the Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will +support nothing; but we think he would be a very smart hand at a +hat-peg.</p> +<p>As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier +mechanics than Sir James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we +remember their opinions on the Corn Laws, and see that they are a +part of the cabinet which has already shown symptoms of some +approaching alteration of the Bread Tax—when we consider +their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is, and Sir Robert +PEEL’S small, adventurous liberality, his half-bashful homage +to the spirit of the age—sure we are that both GRAHAM and +KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must +be masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of +men for the joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament.</p> +<p>Again how many members from their long experience in the small +jobbery of committees—from their profitable knowledge of the +mysteries of private bills and certain other unclean work which +may, if he please, fall to the lot of the English senator—how +many of these lights of the times might build small monuments of +their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain conveniences +required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have seen the +plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his +taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and +beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, +dirty, winding ways of Parliament—reader, take a list of her +Majesty’s Commons, and running your finger down their names, +pick us out three hundred able-bodied labourers—three hundred +stalwart night workmen in darkness and corruption. We ask the +country, need it care for the strike of Peto’s men (the said +Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from +<em>Falstaff’s</em> retainer), when there is so much +unemployed labour, hungering only for the country’s good?</p> +<p>We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the +present Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we +know that there are so few among them who can look upon more than +<em>one side</em> of a question, we own that the completion of the +building may be considerably delayed by employing only members of +Parliament as square workmen: the truth is, having never been +accustomed to the operation, they will need considerable +instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable, by +habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a +hod.</p> +<p>We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether +they ought not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of +Peto and Grissell, with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they +be not wholly insensible of the wants of the nation and of their +own dignity, Monday morning’s sun will shine upon every man +of her Majesty’s majority, for once laudably employed in the +nation’s good. How delightful then to saunter near the +works—how charming then to listen to members of Parliament! +What a picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by +STANLEY, have we not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting +saw? Instead of an oration from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill +note of his ungreased parliamentary barrow? For the “hear, +hear” of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of the +hammer—for the “cheer” from INGLIS, the sweeter +chink of the mason’s chisel?</p> +<p>And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen +themselves! After six days’ toil, there is scarcely one of +them who will not feel himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants +and feelings of labouring man. They will learn sympathy in the most +efficient manner—by the sweat of their brow. Pleasant, +indeed, ‘twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his axe, and +beg, with <em>Sly</em>, for “a pot of the smallest +ale.”</p> +<p>Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the mason’s +strike—having shewn that the fitness of things calls upon the +Commons, in the present dilemma, to build their own house—we +should feel it unjust to the government not to acknowledge the good +taste which, as we learn, has directed that an estimate be taken of +the disposable space on the walls of the new buildings, to be +devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter. Records of +the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the walls +of Parliament.</p> +<p>This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and +instructive, the greatest judgment must be exercised in the +selection of subjects; which, for ourselves, we would have to +illustrate the wisdom and benevolence of Parliament. How +beautifully would several of the Duke of WELLINGTON’S +speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing +Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to +his grace) famishing in England! And then the Duke’s view of +the shops of butchers, and poulterers, and bakers—all in the +Dutch style—by which his grace has lately proved, that if +there be distress, it can certainly not be for want of comestibles! +But the theme is too suggestive to be carried out in a single +paper.</p> +<p>We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and +GRAHAM, half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, +will make pretty companion pictures.</p> +<p>To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, +Parliament will want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no +other than the artist to PUNCH!</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page163" name="page163"></a>[pg +163]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XIV.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-07.png"><img src= +"images/014-07.png" alt="A poor family with three small children." +id="img014-07" name="img014-07" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 164] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page165" name="page165"></a>[pg +165]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>III.—OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT.</h3> +<p>For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers +of the new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly +chronicled every word that has fallen from the lips of every +professor in his leviathan note book; and his desk teems with +reports of all the hospital cases, from the burnt housemaid, all +cotton-wool and white lead, who set herself on fire reading penny +romances in bed, on one side of the hospital, to the tipsy glazier +who bundled off his perch and spiked himself upon the area rails on +the other. He becomes a walking chronicle of pathological +statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the wards, +imagines himself an embryo Hunter.</p> +<p>To keep up his character, a new man ought perpetually to carry a +stethoscope—a curious instrument, something like a sixpenny +toy trumpet with its top knocked off, and used for the purpose of +hearing what people are thinking about, or something of the kind. +In the endeavour to acquire a perfect knowledge of its use he is +indefatigable. There is scarcely a patient but he knows the exact +state of their thoracic viscera, and he talks of enlarged semilunar +valves, and thickened ventricles with an air of alarming +confidence. And yet we rather doubt his skill upon this point; we +never perceived anything more than a sound and a jog, something +similar to what you hear in the cabin of a fourpenny steam-boat, +and especially mistrusted the “metallic tinkling,” and +the noise resembling a blacksmith’s bellows blowing into an +empty quart-pot, which is called the <em>bruit de soufflet</em>. +Take our word, when medicine arrives at such a pitch that the +secrets of the human heart can be probed, it need not go any +further, and will have the power of doing mischief enough.</p> +<p>The new man does not enter much into society. He sometimes asks +a few other juniors to his lodgings, and provides tea and shrimps, +with occasional cold saveloys for their refection, and it is +possible he may add some home-made wine to the banquet. Their +conversation is exceedingly professional; and should they get +slightly jocose, they retail anatomical paradoxes, technical puns, +and legendary “catch questions,” which from time +immemorial have been the delight of all new men in general, and +country ones in particular.</p> +<p>But diligent and industrious as the new man may be, he is mortal +after all, and being mortal, is not proof against +temptation—at least, after five or six weeks of his pupilage +have passed. The good St. Anthony resisted all the endeavours of +the Evil One to lure him from the proper path, until the gentleman +of the discoloured <em>cutis vera</em> assumed the shape of a +woman. The new man firmly withstands all inducements to +irregularity until his first temptation appears in the form of the +Cyder-cellars—the convivial Rubicon which it is absolutely +necessary for him to pass before he can enrol himself as a member +of the quiet, hard-working, modest fraternity of the Medical +Student of our London Hospitals.</p> +<p><em>Facilis descensus Averni.</em>—The steps that lead +from Maiden-lane to the Cyder-cellars are easy of descent, although +the return is sometimes attended with slight difficulty. Not that +we wish to compare our favourite <em>souterrain</em> in question to +the “Avernus” of the Latin poet; oh, no! If Æneas +had met with roast potatoes and stout during his celebrated voyage +across the Styx to the infernal regions, and listened to songs and +glees in place of the multitude of condemned souls, +“horrendum stridens,” we wager that he would have been +in no very great hurry to return. But we have arrived at an +important point in our physiology—the first launch of the new +man into the ocean of his London life, and we pause upon its shore. +He has but definite ideas of three public establishments at all +intimately connected with his professional career—the Hall, +the College, and the Cyder-cellars. There are but three individuals +to whom he looks with feelings of deference—Mr. Sayer of +Blackfriars, Mr. Belfour of Lincoln’s-inn-fields, and Mr. +Rhodes of Maiden-lane. These are the impersonation of the +Fates—the arbitrators of his destinies.</p> +<p>As it is customary that an attendance in the Theatre of Lectures +should precede the student’s determination to “have a +shy at the College,” or “go up to the Hall,” so +is it usual for a visit to one of the theatres to be paid before +going down to the Cyder-cellars. The new man has been beguiled into +the excursion by the exciting narratives of his companions, and +beginning to feel that he is behind the other “chaps” +(a new man’s term) in knowledge of the world, he yields to +the attraction held out; not because he at first thinks it will +give him pleasure so to do, as because it will put him on a level +with those who have been, on the same principle as our rambling +compatriots go to Switzerland and the Rhine. His Mentor is ready in +the shape of a third-season man, and under his protecting influence +he sallies forth.</p> +<p>The theatres have concluded; every carriage, cab, and +“coach ‘nhired” in their vicinity is in motion; +venders of trotters and ham-sandwiches are in full cry; the bars of +the proximate retail establishments are crowded with thirsty gods; +ruddy chops and steaks are temptingly displayed in the windows of +the supper-houses, and the turnips and carrots in the +freshly-arrived market-carts appear astonished at the sudden +confusion by which they are surrounded. Amidst this confusion the +new man and his friends arrive beneath the beacon which illumines +the entrance of the tavern. He descends the stairs in an agony of +anticipation, and feverishly trips up the six or eight succeeding +ones to arrive at the large room. A song has just concluded, and he +enters triumphantly amidst the thunder of applause, the jingling of +glasses, the imperious vociferations of fresh orders, and an +atmosphere of smoke that pervades the whole apartment, like dense +clouds of incense burning at the altar of the genius of +conviviality.</p> +<p>The new man is at first so bewildered, that it would take but +little extra excitement to render him perfectly unconscious as to +the probability of his standing upon his +<em>occipito-frontalis</em> or <em>plantar fascia</em>. But as he +collects his ideas, he contrives to muster sufficient presence of +mind to order a Welsh rabbit, and in the interim of its arrival +earnestly contemplates the scene around him. There is the room +which, in after life, so vividly recurs to him, with its bygone +<em>souvenirs</em> of mirth, when he is sitting up all night at a +bad case in the mud cottage of a pauper union. There are its blue +walls, its wainscot and its pillars, its lamps and ground-glass +shades, within which the gas jumps and flares so fitfully; its two +looking-glasses, that reflect the room and its occupants from one +to the other in an interminable vista. There also is Mr. Rhodes, +bending courteously over the backs of the visiters’ chairs, +and hoping everybody has got everything to their satisfaction, or +bestowing an occasional subdued acknowledgment upon an +<em>habitué</em> who chances to enter; and the professional +gentlemen all laying their heads together at the top of the table +to pitch the key of the next glee; and the waiters bustling up and +down with all sorts of tempting comestibles; and the gentleman in +the Chesterfield wrapper smoking a cigar at the side of the room, +while he leans back and contemplates the ceiling, as if his whole +soul was concentrated in its smoke-discoloured mouldings.</p> +<p>The new man is in ecstasies; he beholds the realization of the +Arabian Nights, and when the harmony commences again, he is fairly +entranced. At first, he is fearful of adding the efforts of his +laryngeal “little muscles with the long names” to swell +the chorus; but, after the second glass of stout and a “go of +whiskey,” he becomes emboldened, and when the gentleman with +the bass voice sings about the Monks of Old, what a jovial race +they were, our friend trolls out how “they laughed, ha, +ha!” so lustily, that he gets quite red in the face from +obstructed jugulars, and applauds, when it has concluded, until +everything upon the table performs a curious ballet-dance, which is +only terminated by the descent of the cruets upon the floor.</p> +<p>The precise hour at which the new man arrives at home, after +this eventful evening, has never been correctly ascertained; having +a latch-key, he is the only person that could give any authentic +information upon this point; but, unfortunately, he never knows +himself. Some few things, however, are universally allowed, namely, +that in extreme cases he is found asleep on the rug at the foot of +the stairs next morning, with the rushlight that was left in the +passage burnt quite away, and all the solder of the candlestick +melted into little globules. More frequently he knocks up the +people of the neighbouring house, under the impression that it is +his own, but that a new keyhole has been fitted to the door in his +absence; and, in the mildest forms of the disease, he drinks up all +the water in his bed-room during the night, and has a propensity +for retiring to rest in his pea-coat and Bluchers, from the +obstinate tenacity of his buttons and straps. The first lecture the +next morning fails to attract him; he eats no breakfast, and when +he enters the dissecting-room about one o’clock, his +fellow-students administer to him a pint of ale, warmed by the +simple process of stirring it with a hot poker, with some Cayenne +pepper thrown into it, which he is assured will set to rights the +irritable mucous lining of his stomach. The effect of this remedy +is, to send him into a sound sleep during the whole of the two +o’clock anatomical lecture; and awakened at its close by the +applause of the students, he thinks he is still at the +Cyder-cellars, and cries out “Encore!”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PREVENTION OF RAILWAY ACCIDENTS.</h3> +<p>Having been particularly struck by the infernal smashes that +have recently taken place on several railroad lines, and having +been ourselves forcibly impressed by a tender, which it must be +allowed was rather hard (coming in collision with ourselves), we +have thought over the subject, and have now the following +suggestions to offer:—</p> +<p>Behind each engine let there be second and third class +carriages, so that, in the event of a smash, second and third class +lives only would be sacrificed.</p> +<p>Let there be a van full of stokers before the first class +carriages; for, as the directors appear to be liberal of the +stokers’ lives, it is presumed that every railway company has +such a glut of them that they can be spared easily.</p> +<p>As some of the carriages are said to oscillate, from being too +heavy at the top, let a few copies of “Martinuzzi” be +placed as ballast at the bottom.</p> +<p>In order that the softest possible lining may be given to the +carriages, let the interior be covered with copies of +Sibthorp’s speeches as densely as possible.</p> +<p>We have not yet been able to find a remedy for the remarkable +practice which prevails in some railways of sending a passenger, +like a bank-note, <em>cut in half</em>, for better security.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page166" name="page166"></a>[pg +166]</span> +<h2>THE POLITICAL EUCLID.—NO. 2.</h2> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>PROP. I.—PROBLEM.</h4> +<p class="note"><em>To describe an Independent Member upon a given +indefinite line of politics.</em></p> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/014-08.png"><img src= +"images/014-08.png" alt="Sawyers in the woods form a letter L." id= +"img014-08" name="img014-08" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">L</span>et C R, or Conservative Reform, be +the given indefinite line—it is required to describe on C R +an independent member.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-09.png"><img src= +"images/014-09.png" alt="A geometric diagram." id="img014-09" name= +"img014-09" width="30%" /></a></div> +<p>With the centre Reform, and at the distance of Conservatism, +describe G B and M—or Graham, Brougham, and +Melbourne—the extremes of the Whig Administration of +1834.</p> +<p>With the centre Conservatism, and at the distance of Reform, +describe G B and P—or Graham, Buckingham, and Peel—the +extremes of the Tory Administration of 1841.</p> +<p>From the point Graham, where the administrations cut one +another, draw the lines Graham and Reform, and Graham and +Conservatism.</p> +<p>Then Graham and Conservative Reform is an independent +member.</p> +<p>For because Reform was the centre of the Whig Administration, +Graham, Brougham, and Melbourne</p> +<p>Therefore Graham and Reform was the same as Reform with a shade +Conservatism.</p> +<p>And because Conservatism is the centre of the Tory +Administration, Graham, Buckingham, and Peel</p> +<p>Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Conservatism +with a shade Reform</p> +<p>Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Graham and +Reform</p> +<p>Therefore Graham is either a Conservative or a Reformer, as the +case may require.</p> +<p>And therefore he is a Conservative Reformer—</p> +<p>Wherefore, having three sides, which are all the same to +him—viz. Reform, Conservatism, and himself—he is an +independent member, and has been described as a Conservative +Reformer.</p> +<p class="cen"><em>Quod erat</em> double-<em>face-iendum</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>PROP. II.—PROBLEM.</h4> +<p class="note"><em>From a given point to draw out a Radical Member +to a given length.</em></p> +<p>Let A or his ancestors be the given point, and an A s s the +given length; it is required to draw out upon the point of his +ancestors a Radical member equal to an A s s.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-10.png"><img src= +"images/014-10.png" alt="A geometric diagram." id="img014-10" name= +"img014-10" width="25%" /></a></div> +<p>Connect the A s s with A, his ancestors.</p> +<p>On the A s s and A his ancestors, describe an independent member +S R I, Sir Robert Inglis.</p> +<p>Then with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, draw out the A s s to G L +and S A, or great literary and scientific attainments.</p> +<p>And with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, let R Roebuck, be got into a +line upon A, his ancestors.</p> +<p>With the A s s in the middle, describe the circulation of T N, +or “Times” newspaper.</p> +<p>And with SRI, Sir Robert Inglis, as the centre, describe the +Circle of the H of C, or House of Commons.</p> +<p>Then R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, equals an A s s.</p> +<p>For because the A s s was in the middle of T N, or +“Times” newspaper.</p> +<p>Therefore the rhodomontade of G L and S A, or great literary and +scientific attainments, was equal to the braying of an A s s.</p> +<p>And because S R I, or Sir Robert Inglis, was in the centre of H +C, or House of Commons.</p> +<p>Therefore S R I on G L and S A, or Sir Robert Inglis on the +great literary and scientific attainments, was only to be equalled +by S R I and R, or Sir Robert Inglis and Roebuck.</p> +<p>But Sir R I is always equal to himself.</p> +<p>Therefore the remainder, A R, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is +equal to the remaining G L and S A, or great literary and +scientific attainments.</p> +<p>But G L and S A, or the great literary and scientific +attainments, have been shown to be equal to those of an A s s.</p> +<p>And therefore R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to an A +s s.</p> +<p>Wherefore, from a given point, A, his ancestors, has been drawn +out a Radical member, R, Roebuck, equal to an A s s.</p> +<p class="cen"><em>Quod erat</em> sheep-<em>face-iendum</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>PROP. III.—PROBLEM</h4> +<p><em>From the greater opposition of two members to a given +measure to cut, off a part, so as it may agree with the +less.</em></p> +<p>Let P C and W R, or Peel the Conservative and Wakley the +Radical, represent their different oppositions to the New Poor Law, +to which that of W R, or Wakley the Radical, is greater than that +of Peel the Conservative—it is required to cut off from W R, +or Wakley the Radical’s opposition a part, so that it may +agree with that of P C, or Peel the Conservative.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-11.png"><img src= +"images/014-11.png" alt="A geometric diagram." id="img014-11" name= +"img014-11" width="25%" /></a></div> +<p>From W, or Wakley, draw W T, or Wakley the Trimmer, the same as +P C, or Peel the Conservative.</p> +<p>With the centre W or Wakley, and to the extremity of T trimming, +describe the magic circle P L A C E.</p> +<p>Cutting W R or Wakley the Radical in B P, his Breeches +Pocket.</p> +<p>Then W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with Peel +the Conservative.</p> +<p>For because the circle P L A C E is described about W or +Wakley</p> +<p>Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, is of the +same opinion as W T or Wakley the Trimmer.</p> +<p>But W T or Wakley the Trimmer, agrees with Peel the +Conservative.</p> +<p>Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with P +C or Peel the Conservative.</p> +<p>Wherefore, from the greater opposition of W R, Wakley the +Radical, to the New Poor Law, is cut off, W B P, Wakley and his +Breeches Pocket, which exactly coincides with the minor opposition +of P C or Peel the Conservative.</p> +<p class="cen"><em>Quod erat</em> brazen-<em>face-iendum</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE VALUE OF STOCKS—LAST QUOTATION.</h3> +<p>During a rural ramble, the ex-premier was diverted from the +mental Shakesperian sustenance derived from “chewing the cud +of sweet and bitter fancy,” by an importunate appeal from a +reckless disorderly, who was doing penance for his anti-teetotal +propensities, by performing a two hours’ quarantine in the +village stocks. So far from sympathising with the fast-bound +sufferer, his lordship, in a tone of the deepest regret, deplored, +that he had himself not been so tightly secured in his place, as, +had that been the case, he would still have been provided with</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-12.png"><img src= +"images/014-12.png" alt="A man with his feet in stocks." id= +"img014-12" name="img014-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>BOARD AND LODGING FOR A SINGLE MAN.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LINEN-DRAPER OF LUDGATE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Shop fronts are daily “higher” raised.</p> +<p class="i2">Our master’s “ire” as often;</p> +<p>Would they but raise <em>our</em> “hire” a bit,</p> +<p class="i2">’Twould much our mis’ries soften!</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="rgt">THE SHOPMEN—POOR DEVILS</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page167" name="page167"></a>[pg +167]</span> +<h2>SPANISH POLITICS.</h2> +<h4>(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.)</h4> +<p class="rgt">“<em>Pampeluna, Oct. 1.</em></p> +<p>“An event has just occurred which will doubtless change +the dynasty of the Spanish succession before I have finished my +letter. At eleven o’clock this morning, several officers were +amusing themselves at picquet in a coffee-house. One having played +the king, another cried out, ‘Ay, the king! <em>Vivat</em>! +Down with the Queen! Don Carlos for ever!’ This caused a +frightful sensation, and the National Guards are now on their way +to blockade the house.</p> +<p>“<em>One o’clock</em>, P.M.—The National +Guards have joined the Carlists, and the regulars are at this +moment flying to arms.</p> +<p>“<em>Two o’clock</em>.—The royal troops are +defeated, and Don Carlos is now being proclaimed King of Spain, +&c.”</p> +<h4>(FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.)</h4> +<p class="rgt">“<em>Madrid, Oct. 2.</em></p> +<p>“The nominal reign of Don Carlos, commenced at Pampeluna, +has been but of short duration. A diversion has taken place in +favour of the husband of the Queen Regent—Munos, who, having +been a private soldier, is thought by his rank and file camaradoes +to have a prior claim to Don Carlos. They have revolted to a man, +and the Carlists tremble in their boots.</p> +<p>“<em>Six o’clock</em>, A.M.—The young Queen +has fled the capital—Munos is our new King, and his throne +will no doubt be consolidated by a vigorous ministry.</p> +<p>“<em>Seven o’clock</em>, A.M.—News has just +arrived from Pampeluna that the Carlists are so disgusted with the +counter-revolution, that a counter-counter-revolution having taken +place amongst the shopkeepers, in favour of the Queen Regent, the +Carlists have joined it. After all, the Queen Mother will doubtless +permanently occupy the throne—at least for a day or two.</p> +<p>“<em>Eight o’clock</em>.—News has just arrived +from Biscay of a new revolt, extending through all the Basque +provinces; and they are only waiting for some eligible pretender to +come forward to give to this happy country another ruler. Advices +from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a rebellious +spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly +anticipated during the next twelvemonth.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS OF THE SEEDY.—No. 4.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And must we part?—well, let it be;</p> +<p class="i2">’Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me;</p> +<p>For though I still was true to thee,</p> +<p class="i2">Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me.</p> +<p>Take back this written pledge of love,</p> +<p class="i2">No more I’ll to my bosom fold it;</p> +<p>The ring you gave, your faith to prove,</p> +<p class="i2">I can’t return—because I’ve sold +it!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I will not ask thee to restore</p> +<p class="i2">Each <em>gage d’armour</em>, or lover’s +token,</p> +<p>Which I had given thee before</p> +<p class="i2">The links between us had been broken.</p> +<p>They were not much, but oh! that brooch,</p> +<p class="i2">If for my sake thou’st deign’d to save +it,</p> +<p>For that, at least, I must encroach,—</p> +<p class="i2">It wasn’t mine, although I gave it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The gem that in my breast I wore,</p> +<p class="i2">That once belonged unto your mother</p> +<p>Which, when you gave to me, I swore</p> +<p class="i2">For life I’d love you, and no other.</p> +<p>Can you forget that cheerful morn,</p> +<p class="i2">When in my breast thou first didst stick +it?—</p> +<p>I can’t restore it—it’s in pawn;</p> +<p class="i2">But, base deceiver—that’s the ticket.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, take back all, I cannot bear</p> +<p class="i2">These proofs of love—they seem to mock it;</p> +<p>There, false one, take your lock of hair—</p> +<p class="i2">Nay, do not ask me for the locket.</p> +<p>Insidious girl! that wily tear</p> +<p class="i2">Is useless now, that all is ended:</p> +<p>There is thy curl—nay, do not sneer,</p> +<p class="i2">The locket’s—somewhere—being +mended.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The dressing-case you lately gave</p> +<p class="i2">Was fit, I know, for Bagdad’s caliph;</p> +<p>I used it only once to shave,</p> +<p class="i2">When it was taken by the bailiff.</p> +<p>Than thou didst give I bring back less;</p> +<p class="i2">But hear the truth, without more dodging—</p> +<p>The landlord’s been with a distress,</p> +<p class="i2">And positively cleared my lodging.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>CONS. BY O CONNELL.</h3> +<p>What English word expresses the Latin for +cold?—“Jelly”-does (<em>Gelidus</em>).</p> +<p>Why is a blackleg called a sharper?—Because he’s +less blunt than other men.</p> +<p>Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?—Because it keeps +one <em>dry</em> all day.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>OLD MAIDS.</h3> +<p><em>Sir Philip Brilliant</em> is a gentleman of exquisite +breeding—a man of fashion, with a taste for finery, and +somewhat of a fop. He reveals his pretty figure to us, arrayed in +all the glories of white and pink satins, embellished with +flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His servant is +performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of the +dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws +are unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find +one—nine valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the +money; and <em>Robert</em> instantly pays a tribute to the title of +the play by discovering a <em>wrinkle</em>—equally an emblem +of an “Old Maid” and an ill-fitting vest. This incident +shows us that <em>Sir Philip</em> is an amateur in dress; but his +predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to +scold his goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The +next scene takes us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon +Ludgate-hill. We are inside the shop of the goldsmith, <em>Master +Blount</em>, most likely the founder of the firm now conducted by +Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons, who, being brought up +to the same trade, and always living together, are, of course, +eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the shop; +the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of +all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and +elegance. The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the +subject of their sons, which happily, (for family quarrels seldom +amuse third parties) is put an end to by a second +“shine,” brought about by the entrance of <em>Sir +Philip Brilliant</em>, to make the threatened complaint about bad +workmanship. The younger and fiery <em>Thomas Blount</em> resents +some of <em>Sir P.B.</em>’s expressions to his father; this +is followed by the usual <em>badinage</em> about swords and their +use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a +duel, and are not disappointed.</p> +<p>Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman +is wounded, and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his +sworn friend for ever.</p> +<p>The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great +revolution has taken place in the private concerns of the family +Blount. <em>Thomas</em>, the younger, has become a colonel in the +army; John, having got possession of the shop, has sold the +stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.; doubtless, to the +late <em>Mr. Rundell’s</em> great-grandfather; and has set up +for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society +he is indebted to <em>Robert</em>, whom he has mistaken for a +Baronet, and who presents him to several of his fellow-knights of +the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for the occasion, lords and ladies, +exactly as it happens in the farce of “High Life Below +Stairs.”</p> +<p>But where are the “Old Maids” all this time? Where, +indeed! <em>Lady Blanche</em> and <em>Lady Anne</em> are young and +beautiful—exquisitely lovely; for they are played by Madame +Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that directly they +appear, the spectator assures himself that they are <em>not</em> +the “Old Maids.” To be sure they seem to have taken a +sort of vow of celibacy; but their fascinating looks—their +beauty—their enchanting manners, offer a challenge to the +whole bachelor world, that would make the keeping of such a vow a +crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble long on that account. +<em>Lady Blanche</em>, has, we are informed, taken to disguising +herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the character +of a yeoman’s daughter, she entered <em>Blount’s</em> +shop, and fell in love with <em>Thomas</em>: at this exact part of +the narrative <em>Colonel Blount</em> is announced, attended by his +sworn friend, <em>Sir Philip Brilliant</em>. A sort of partial +recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a dreadful +state of suspense till the commencement of another act.</p> +<p><em>Sir Philip</em>, who has formerly loved <em>Lady +Blanche</em> without success, now tries his fortune with <em>Lady +Anne</em>; and at this point, dramatic invention ends; for, +excepting the mock-marriage of <em>John Blount</em> with a +lady’s-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the +vicissitudes the two pair of lovers go through—all of their +own contrivance, on purpose to make themselves as wretched as +possible—till the grand clearing up, which always takes place +in every last scene, from the “Adelphi” of Terence (or +Yates), down to the “Old Maids” of Mr. Sheridan +Knowles.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>COCORICO, OR MY AUNT’S BANTAM.</h3> +<p>Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on +their own account, and depend almost entirely upon the +“French,” managers have added a new member to their +establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ a Paris +correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be +brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which +they (the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the +English market, they are seldom <em>neat</em> as imported.</p> +<p>The gentleman who “does” the Parisian correspondence +for the Adelphi Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing +the above title; the fable, of which, like some of +Æsop’s, principally concerns a hen, that, however, does +not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does—an innocent little +fair who has charge of the fowl—a sort of <em>Justice +Woodcock</em>, and a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform +of a drum or bugle-major, calls himself a serjeant. To these may be +added, Mr. Yates in his own private character, and a few sibilants +in the pit, who completed the poultry-nature of the piece by +playing the part of geese.</p> +<p>The plot would have been without interest, but for the +accidental introduction of the last two characters,—or the +geese and the cock-of-the-walk.<span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page168" name="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> The pittites, +affronted at the extreme puerility of some of the incidents, and +the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This raffled the feathers +of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or rather at, the +wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence the +geese. Mr. Yates spoke—we need not say how or what. Everybody +knows how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his +hat, and smiles, and frowns, and “appeals” and +“declares upon his honour” while agitating the buttons +on the left side of his coat, and “entreats” and +“throws himself upon the candour of a British public,” +and puts the stamp upon all he has said by an impressive thump of +the foot, a final flourish of the arms, and a triumphal exit to +poean-sounding “bravoes!” and to the utter confusion of +all dis—or to be more correct, hiss—sentients.</p> +<p>In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and <em>Cocorico</em> +deserved its fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the +chief character with much tact and cleverness, singing the +vaudevilles charmingly—a most difficult task, we should say, +on account of the adapter, in putting English words to French +music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large majority of them. +Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree of +character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the +vampire-trap of too many young performers—stage +conventionalism, and that she copies from Nature. It is unfortunate +for both these clever actresses that they have been thrust into a +piece, which not even their talents could save from partial +——, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown +very strict. The piece wants <em>cur</em>-tailment; which, if +previously applied, will increase the interest, and make it, +perhaps, an endurable dramatic</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-13.png"><img src= +"images/014-13.png" alt="A poodle." id="img014-13" name="img014-13" +width="60%" /></a> +<p>FRENCH “TAIL”—WITH CUTS.</p> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>PROMENADE CONCERTS.</h3> +<p>The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for +his office—he is several degrees less personable than M. +Jullien—he does not even wear moustaches! and to suppose that +a man can beat time properly without them is ridiculous. He looks a +great deal more like a modest, respectable grocer, than a man of +genius; for he neither turns up his eyes nor his cuffs, and has the +indecency to appear without white gloves! His manners, too, are an +insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning school of music; +he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least grace or +<em>éclat</em>. He does not spread out both arms like a +goose that wants to fly, while hushing down a <em>diminuendo</em>; +nor gesticulate like a madman during the fortes; in short, he only +gives out the time in passages where the players threaten +unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those amateurs who pay +their money only for the pleasure of seeing the +<em>bâton</em> flourished about, are defrauded of half their +amusement. M. Musard takes them in—for it must be evident, +even to them, that what we have said is true, and that he possesses +scarcely a qualification for the office he holds—if we make +one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)—for he is +nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single +accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself +upon the Cockney <em>dilettanti</em> after M. Jullien, who +possessed every other requisite for a conductor <em>but</em> a +knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a paltry +acquirement, and purely mechanical.</p> +<p>On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles +and waltzes was administered, with an admixture from the dull +scores of Beethoven. Disgusted as we were at the humbug of +performing the works of this master without blue-fire, and an +artificial storm in the flies, yet—may we confess +it?—we were nearly as much charmed by the +“Andante” from his Symphonia in A, as if the lights had +been put out to give it effect. We blush for our taste, but thank +our <em>stars</em> (Jullien included) that we have the courage to +own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened Concert +d’Eté patronising public. In sober truth, we were +ravished! The pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the +<em>ensemble</em> of them was so complete, the wind instruments +were blown so exactly in tune, so evenly in tone, that the whole +passion of that touching andante seemed to be felt by the entire +band, which <em>went</em> as one instrument. The +subject—breaking in as it does, when least expected, and +worked about through nearly every part of the score, so as to +produce the most delicious effects—was played with equal +delicacy and feeling by every performer who had to take it up; +while the under-current of accompaniment was made to blend with it +with a masterly command and unanimity of tone, that we cannot +remember to have heard equalled.</p> +<p>Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of +the audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but +coldly. This, however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, +and brass-blurting of the overture to “Zampa” was +noised forth: this was encored with ecstacies, and so were some of +the quadrilles. Happy musical taste! Beethoven’s septour, +arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration unworthy of +Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned to +arrange the sailor’s hornpipe, as</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/014-14.png"><img src= +"images/014-14.png" alt="A ship." id="img014-14" name="img014-14" +width="50%" /></a> +<p>A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE WAR WITH CHINA.</h3> +<p>The celebrated pranks of the “Bull in the China +Shop” are likely to be repeated on a grand scale—the +part of the Bull being undertaken, on this occasion, by the +illustrious John who is at the head of the family.</p> +<p>The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a +<em>chop</em>, surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was +dished up with a good deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately +forwarded to Elliot. The custom of sending chops to an enemy is +founded on the idea, that the fact of there being a bone to pick +cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than “by wrapping it +up,” as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible.</p> +<p>Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have +attacked our forces with <em>junk</em>, from which it has been +supposed that our brave tars have been pitched into with large +pieces of salt beef, while the English commanders have been pelted +with <em>chops</em>; but this is an error. The thing called +<em>junk</em> is not the article of that name used in the Royal +Navy, but a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that +sort of material, something between wood and paper, of which we in +this country manufacture hat-boxes.</p> +<p>The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him +are afraid to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been +most unmercifully wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief +that they have achieved a victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who +happened to suggest the necessity for a stronger force, was +instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who can now and then do +things by halves, though such is not his ordinary custom.</p> +<p>We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will +supply us with the earliest intelligence.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS.</h3> +<h4>CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS.</h4> +<p>The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly +solicited in behalf of</p> +<p>JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, +author of the “New Whig Guide,” &c., &c., who, +from having been considered one of the first wits of his day, is +now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic indigence. It is +earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in vain, and +that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be +restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means +he may be able to continue his contributions to the +“Quarterly Review,” which have been recently refused +from their utter dulness.</p> +<p>Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; +by the Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the +House of Commons; and the Garrick’s Head.</p> +<h4>SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED.</h4> +<p>Samuel Rogers, Esq.—Ten puns, and a copy of +“Italy.”</p> +<p>Tom Cooke, Esq.—One joke (musical), consisting of +“God save the Queen,” arranged for the penny +trumpet.</p> +<p>T. Hood, Esq.—Twenty-three epigrams.</p> +<p>Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.—A laughable Corn-law +pamphlet.</p> +<p>John Poole, Esq.—A new farce, with liberty to extract all +the jokes from the same, amounting to two <em>jeux +d’esprit</em> and a pun.</p> +<p>Proprietors of PUNCH.—The “copy” for No. 15 of +the LONDON CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and +therefore as many jests.</p> +<p>Col. Sibthorp.—A conundrum.</p> +<p>Daniel O’Connell.—An Irish <em>tail</em>.</p> +<p>Messrs. Grissel and Peto.—A <em>strike</em>-ing masonic +interlude, called “The Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the +Rusty Trowel.”</p> +<p>Commissioner Lin.—A special edict.</p> +<p>Lord John Russell.—“A new Guide to Matrimony,” +and a facetious essay, called “How to leave one’s +Lodgings.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>LAURIE’S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPŒIA.</h3> +<p>Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose +physiology is recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer +Copœia resides, and whether he is for or against the Corn +Laws?</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 16, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14932-h.htm or 14932-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14932/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14932] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +TRADE REPORT. + +(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.) + +[Illustration: T]The market has been in a most extraordinary state all the +morning. Our first advices informed us that feathers were getting very +heavy, and that lead was a great deal brisker than usual. In the +fish-market, flounders were not so flat as they had been, and, to the +surprise of every one, were coming round rapidly. + +The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a smoothness to the +transactions of the day, which had a visible effect on business. Every +species of fats were in high demand, but the glut of mutton gave a +temporary check to the general facility of the ordinary operations. + +The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having caused an +unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of a parish union, +gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, which had been +exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning. + +We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who is up to +every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that the flouring +system must soon prove the destruction of fair and fowl commerce. We do +not wish to be premature, but our informant is a person in whom we place +the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there is every reason why we should +depend upon so respectable an authority. + +Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, and even +that was not in a dealer's hands, but was being used by a basket-woman, +who was darning a stocking. After this, who can be surprised at the +stoppage of the factories? + +Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, seemed to be +merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a view to future +dealings. + + * * * * * + + +THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY. + +The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is confined +to the investigation of the materials which compose this terrestrial +globe;--in its more extended signification, it relates, also, to the +examination of the different layers or strata of society, as they are to +be met with in the world. + +Society is divided into three great strata, called High Life--Middle +Life--and Low Life. Each of these strata contains several classes, which +have been ranged in the following order, descending from the highest to +the lowest--that is, from the drawing-room of St. James's to the cellar in +St. Giles's. + + _ _ + | | ST. JAMES'S SERIES. + H | | People wearing coronets. + i | Superior__| People related to coronets. + g | Class. | People having no coronet, but who expect to get one. + h | | People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a + -| | carriage. + L | |_ + i | _ + f | | SECONDARY. + e | | (_Russell-square group._) + | | People who keep a carriage, but are silent + |_ | respecting their grandfathers. + _ | People who give dinners to the superior series. + | | People who talk of the four per cents, and are + | | suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern + M | Transition_| in the City. + i | Class. | + d | | (_Clapham group._) + d | | People who "confess the Cape," and say, that though + l | | Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in + e | | Fenchurch-street, he needn't do it if he didn't + -| | like. + L | | People who keep a shop "concern" and a one-horse + i | | shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the + f | |_ dog-days. + e | _ + | | People who keep a "concern," but no shay, do the + | | genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn + | | occasions. + | | People, known as "shabby-genteels," who prefer + |Metamorphic | walking to riding, and study Kidd's "How to live + |_ class. __| on a hundred a-year." + _ | + L | | INFERIOR SERIES. + o | | (_Whitechapel group._) + w | | People who dine at one o'clock, and drink stout out + | |_ of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens. + L-| _ + i | | People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in + f | Primitive__| pleasure "wans" to Richmond on Sundays in summer. + e | Formation. | + | | (_St. Giles's group._) + |_ |_Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties. + +It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great +divisions of society, namely, _High Life, Low Life_, and _Middle Life_, +are subdivided, or more properly, sub-classed, into the Superior, +Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social +scale is the Primitive Formation--which may be described as the basis and +support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be +distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they +effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the +_St. Giles's Group_--(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found +only in the great London basin)--and that portion of the Whitechapel group +whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure 'wans' to Richmond on +Sundays. In man's economy the _St. Giles's Group_ are exceedingly +important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where +their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in +order is the Metamorphic class--so called, because of the singular +metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their +common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the _St. +Giles's Group_, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured +surface, with bright buttons and a shining "four-and-nine"--goss. This +class includes the upper portion of the _Whitechapel Group_, and the two +lower strata of the _Clapham Group_. The _Whitechapel Group_ is the most +elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies +a wide extent on the Surrey side of the water--it is part of the _Clapham +Group_, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of +Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to +be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary +formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remains--a great +variety of miscellaneous articles--such as watches, rings, and silk +waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are +technically termed _avuncular depositories_. The deposition of these +matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most +general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on +some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his +wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left +amongst an accumulation of "popped" articles from various districts. The +chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves, +but from their _duplicates_, which afford the most satisfactory proof of +the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally +to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been +frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal-green +and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to +such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest +geologists. Immediately above the "shabby genteel" stratum are found the +people who "keep a shop concern, but no shay;" it is the uppermost layer +of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling +with the supra-genteel _Clapham Group_. The "shop and no shay" stratum +forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by +its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech. +Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and +obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation, +separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing +strata of thick double Witneys. + +Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause +until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the +TRANSITION CLASS--the "shop and shay people"--and, as we hope, convince +our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great +advantage of studying the strata of human life + +[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.] + + * * * * * + + +COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION. + +Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the +Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an +unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off; +upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and +composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:-- + + I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds + The gentle ass has slain; + For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds, + It seems a warning plain. + + * * * * * + + +CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA. + +It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the +British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China, +who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + + +THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN. + +There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his +dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +POOR JACK. + +A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four +hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only +drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his +prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that +he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending +his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the +long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but +even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired +object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of +brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches, +fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his +wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the +boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash +scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a +sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether. +An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at +the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned +upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with +the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so +easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a +cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the +dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the +coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat. + +These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be +met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of +Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most +remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about +the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside +which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of +some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small +model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's +(God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor +lost his blessed limb." + +Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his +baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his +species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which +he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and +with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence +will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's +songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete +repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom +Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with +"Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite +pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he +always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his +auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments. + +Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed +babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack +commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and +the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune +sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging +into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;-- + + "Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder-- + The rain a deluge pours-- + Our sails were split asunder, + By lightning's vivid pow'rs. + +"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you, +master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman, +Polly-- + + "The night both drear and dark, + Our poor desarted bark, + There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!) + + "There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack, + and his little Polly--till next day, + In the Bay of Biscay O." + +"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his +voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took +to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three +thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by +Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's +black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have +potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of +way, my lady-- + + "Come all you jolly sailors bold, + Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould, + While British valour I unfold-- + Huzza! for the Arethusa! + She was a frigate stout and brave + As ever stemm'd the dashing wave-- + +"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled +for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour, +how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little +Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in +with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, +that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with +hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes +to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance +ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing-- + + "My name d'ye see's Tom Tough, + And I've seen a little sarvice, + Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow, + I've sail'd with noble Howe, + And I've fought with gallant Jarvis, + And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!" + +"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent +tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the +coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other +port, singing lustily as he goes-- + + "Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!" + +Farewell, POOR JACK! + + * * * * * + + +THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES! + +Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the +indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it +seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the +duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable +views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera +glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire +the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be +the last place we should select, if we were + +[Illustration: GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.] + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS + +OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, +AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY. + +CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS, + +IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION L5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT, + + +THE DIRECTORS + +To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the +various Metropolitan hospitals. + + +ACTING SECRETARIES, + +The County Coroners. + +By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be +divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them. + +The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage +(so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and +the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation +Assurance Company." + +The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of +the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:-- + +CLASS I. + +Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly +hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:-- + + PER CENT. + Engineer, first six months, total life ....... 90 + Legs, at per each ............................ 74 + Arms, ditto ditto ............................ 60 + Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ... 55 + Dislocations and contusions, per score ....... 50 + +N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six +months. + +First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of +all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be +charged as above. + +STOKERS. + +Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains +have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds +are not included. + +_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just +appointed. + +SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS. + +In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed +together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing +those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit +to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for +effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first +class. + +To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station +to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the +insurers paying down the premium at starting:-- + + L s. d. +First Class, leg ............................................ 1 11 6 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 1 7 9 +First class, arm ............................................ 1 0 0 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 0 14 3 +First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9 +Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4 +First Class, teeth each ..................................... 0 0 9 +Whole set ................................................... 1 1 0 +Second Class, ditto ......................................... 0 0 4-3/4 +Whole set..................................................... 0 12 2 +Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with + name and address, First Class............................. 5 5 0 +Second ditto.................................................. 3 3 4 + +In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company +pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches, +contusions, &c., &c. + +All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of +the individual. + +A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping, +bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister. + +Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental +tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption. + +Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the +New Highgate Cemetery. + + * * * * * + + +NOTHING NEW. + + The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves, + For every one knows they take care of themselves. + + * * * * * + + +SCHOOL OF DESIGN. + +The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the +elegant acquirements of the various _attaches_ of the new Tory premier. +The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to +secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must +convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of +drawing. + + * * * * * + + +THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION. + +None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of +their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned +chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of +business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three +months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for +bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will +be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are +told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will +they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great +measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's +exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye +thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and +bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies +you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The +ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine +sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection +that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! +But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN +BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your +tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being +fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign +Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This +important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House, +and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows +the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in +the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_ +Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious +privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never +expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in +this happy land, but law--never! + +Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Albert's +stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged, +ay, and fed; and the people--the creatures whom God made after his own +image--the poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie +down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses +are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the +great crowning work of Ministers--the Queen's speech on the Prorogation of +the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that +profound logical deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was +deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether +without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old +song--the burthen of it was clearly-- + +[Illustration: DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.] + + * * * * * + + +SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM! + +MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher +upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied +the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes +actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. "Heavy," +retorted Silk, "nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is +that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an +obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings, + +[Illustration: "THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND."] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER. + +Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute necessity +involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness as the reduction +of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of epistolatory correspondence. +Some great key-stone to this abstruse science--some accurate data from +which all sorts and conditions of people may at once receive instruction +and assistance, has been long wanting. + +Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great classes, viz.: +those who write to ask favours, and those who write to refuse them. There +is a vague notion extant, that in former days a third genus +existed--though by no means proportionate to the other two--they were +those who wrote "to grant favours;" these were also remarkable for +enclosing remittances and paying the double postage--at least, so we are +assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them and +their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction that the race +has been long extinct. + +Those who write to ask, may be divided into-- + + 1.--Creditors. + 2.--Constituents. + 3.--Sons. + 4.--Daughters. + 5.--Their offspring. + 6.--Nephews, nieces. + 7.--Indistinct cousins, and + 8.--Unknown, dear, and intimate friends. + +Those who write to refuse, are + + 1.--Debtors. + 2.--Members of Parliament + 3.--Fathers. + 4.--Mothers. + 5.--Their kin. + 6.--Uncles. + 7.--Aunts. + 8.--Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, who + will do anything but what the askers want. + +We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the above +parties by laying before them the proper formulae for their respective +purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is composed of two great +classes, which, though they run into various ramifications, still retain +their original distinguishing characteristics--namely, that of being +either "debtors" or "creditors"--we will give the general information +necessary for the construction of their future effusions. + +(Firstly.) + +From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right honourable, being a +debtor. + +_Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841_. + +MY LORD,--I have done myself the honour of forwarding your lordship a +splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it will be approved of +by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your lordship's small account, the +payment of which will be most acceptable to your lordship's most + +Obedient very humble servant, + +GILBERT GRIPES. + + +THE ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +The sample is tolerable--send in thirty dozen--add them to your +account--and let my steward have them punctually on December 17, 1849. + +BOSKEY. + +P.S.--I expect you'll allow discount. + + +(Secondly.) + +From a creditor, being a "victim," "schneider," "sufferer," or "tailor," +to one who sets off his wares by wearing the same, being consequently a +debtor. + +HONOURED SIR,--I can scarcely express my delight at your kind compliments +as to the fit and patterns of the last seventy-three summer waistcoats; +the rest of the order is in hand. I enclose a small account of 490l. odd, +which will just meet a heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by +return of post, to your obliged and devoted + +Humble servant, + +ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH. + +P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c. + + +ANSWER TO THE SAME + +_Albany_. + +You be d--d, _Backstitch_. + +PENTWISTLE PINK. + + +(Thirdly.) + +From a constituent in the country, being a creditor "upon promises," to a +returned member of Parliament in town. + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841_. + +DEAR SIR,--The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble individual) and the +immense body of your enraptured constituents felt upon reading your truly +patriotic, statesman-like, learned, straightforward and consistent speech, +may be conceived by a person of your immense parliamentary imagination, +but cannot be expressed by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my +trifling exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly +recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the earnest +wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of being near such a +representative, which alone induces him to accept the situation of +landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his preparing for. You will, I +am sure, be happy to learn, the last baby, as you desired is christened +after:--"the country's, the people's, nay, the world's member!" + +Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever your staunch +supporter and admirer, + +FUNK FLAT. + +To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P. + + +(Fourthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,--I am more than happy. My return for your +borough has satisfied _you_, my country, and myself! What can I say more? +Pray give both my names to the dear innocent. Be careful in the spelling, +two "M's" in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and +immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every point +of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you _soon_--you cannot +TOO SOON--and believe me, + +My dear Funk, yours ever, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +(Fifthly.) + +FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER). + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841_. + +MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,--All's right, the two _M's_ are in _their_ +places, when will Joe be in _his?_ I know your heart; pray excuse my +earnestness, but oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near +so kind, so dear, so sincere a friend. + +More devotedly than ever yours, + +FUNK FLAT + +G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c. + + +(Sixthly.) + +ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +How can I express my feelings? _My_ name, _mine_ engrafted on the innocent +offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, evermore to be by them and their +heirs handed down to posterity! How I rejoice at that circumstance, and +the intelligence I have so happily received about the wretched situation +you speak of. Fancy, Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of +rashness, I meant to succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible +disorder attendant upon the duties of those d--d landing-waiterships. What +an escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so there's no +fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever, + +Your sincere and much relieved friend, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +From this time forward the correspondence, like "Irish reciprocity," is +"all on one side." It generally consists of four-and-twenty letters from +the constituent in the country to the returned member in town. As these +are _never opened_, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a +_blank sheet of paper_. + + +(Seventhly.) + +FROM SONS TO FATHERS. + +(Several.) + +DEAR FATHER,--Studies continued--(blot)--profession--future +hopes--application--increased expenses--irate landlady--small +remittance--duty--love--say twenty-five pounds--best wishes--sister, +mother, all at home. + +Dutiful son, + +JOHN JOSKIN. + + +(Eighthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +Delighted--assiduity--future fortune--great profession!--Increase of +family--no cash--best prayers, sister, mother. + +_Loving father!_ + +JOSKIN, SEN. + + +N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is good for +all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in letter of asker. +Strong dose of oaths in refuser's answer. + + +(Ninthly.) + +FROM "DEAR AND INTIMATE" TO A "DITTO DITTO." + +_Brighton_. + +MY DEAR TOM,--How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy as a prince; +that is, I should be if you were with me. You know when we first met! what +a time it was! do you remember? How the old times come back, and really +almost the same circumstances! Pray do you recollect I wanted one hundred +and fifty then? isn't it droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it +yourself. + +Ever yours. + +FITZBROWN SMITH. + +T. Tims, Esq. + + +(Tenthly.) + +ANSWER FROM "THE DITTO DITTO" TO "THE DITTO DITTO." + +OLD FELLOW,--Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you joy--wish I was with +you, but can't come. Damn the last Derby--regularly stump'd--cleaned +out--and done Brown!--not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I +am. Here's your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my Opera-box and +a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French hazard. + +Ever, your most devoted friend, + +T. TIMS. + +F. Smith, Esq. + + * * * * * + + +THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER. + +A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. + +At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the year of +grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving +barber. His industry met with due encouragement from the bearded portion +of the community; and the softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness, +generally selected Hans for the honour of new-fronting them, when they had +grown tired of the ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had +frosted. + +Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old burghers +foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a misfortune, which +promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave him a beggar. He fell in +love. + +Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all +remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their patience +and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter saw the flies +of summer scattered on his show-board. + +Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes were as +blue as a summer's sky, her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her +teeth as white as winter's snow. Her hair was a beautiful flaxen--not a +_drab_--but that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of +old were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in _alt_ +were equal to Grisi's: in short, she would have been a very desirable, +loveable young lady, if she had not been a coquette. + +Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise of the +burgomaster's second wife--I beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his +union with his third bride. From that day Hans was a lost barber. +Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, weaving, or powdering, he thought of +nothing but Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward +predicaments. And Agnes--what thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing, +except that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable +garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, after +sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of his remaining +stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The measure had +been taken by the tailor, the garments had been basted and tried on, and +Hans was standing at his door in a state of feverish excitement, awaiting +their arrival in a completed condition (as there was to be _fete_ on the +morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested to be +shaved. Hans wished him at the ---- next barber's; but there was something +so unpleasantly positive in the visitor's appearance, that he had not the +power to object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed +his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each side of +his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans commenced +operations--the lather dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor +emitted small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the stranger's +chin, Hans felt particularly uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto +passed on either side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather +abruptly, "Have you any schnapps in the house?" Hans jumped like a parched +pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and opened the +cupboard. "I never take anything stronger than water," said Hans, in +reply, to the "pshaw!" which broke from the stranger's lips as he smelt at +the contents of a little brown pitcher. "More fool you," replied his +customer. "Here taste that--some of the richest grape-blood of Rheingau;" +and he handed Hans a small flask, which the sober barber respectfully +declined. "Ha! ha! and yet you hope to thrive with the women," said the +stranger. "No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But drink, man! +drink!" + +The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair, +hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his finger briskly +down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and then he +puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the shop coughed aloud. The +uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked towards the door with the most +cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in +at them. "Ha! how are you?" said the stranger; "come in! come in!" and to +Hans' horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the shop. Hans felt +scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he +encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister +expression, he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels seated +herself upon the stranger's knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly +to the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and blinks, +and "wreathed smiles." + +"'Sblitzen!" exclaimed the lady, "the man's an icicle!" + +"Hans, you're a fool!" said the stranger; and his enamorata concurred in +the opinion. The flask was again proffered--the eye-artillery again +brought into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes +Flirtitz. + +The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head ornaments, as +though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the +barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies out. As he stood with +one foot on the step of the door, he turned his head scornfully over his +shoulder, and said, "Hans, you are nothing but--a barber; but before I +eat, you shall repent of your present determination." + +"What security have I that you will keep your word?" replied Hans, who +felt emboldened by the outside situation of his customer, and the shop +poker, of which he had obtained possession. + +"The best in the world," said the stranger. "Here, take these!" and +placing both rows of his teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he +quietly walked up the street with the ladies. + +The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the tailor, +entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. The stranger +was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried on, and they fitted +to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held in +every direction by the delighted tailor, who declared this performance his +_chef-d'oeuvre_ and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he +looked like a gentleman. Without a moment's hesitation, or the slightest +hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last thaler, and +his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook Stitz's hand at parting, +till every bone of the tailor's fingers ached for an hour afterwards, +bolted the door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in +Stocksbawler. + +After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the oddest +sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs +lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; but attributing +this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he proceeded to put on his +pantaloons. With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper +division, when, to his horror and amazement, he found that he had grown +_two feet at least during the night_; and that the pantaloons which had +fitted so admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the +window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the street, +when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the preceding day, who was +leaning against the gable-end of the house opposite, quietly smoking his +meerschaum. Hans paused; then thought, and then concluded that having +found an appetite, he had repented of his boast at parting, and had called +for his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and +opening the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the +summons, but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the +conditions of the wager. To Hans' great surprise he seemed perfectly +acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and good-naturedly +offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the barber's dilemma. The +stranger departed, and in a few moments the tailor arrived, and having +ascertained by his inch measure the truth of Hans' conjectures, bade him +be of good cheer, as he had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. +They had been made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to +call for them, or suspected that Stitz would require the _gelt_ before he +gave up the broadcloth. + +The tailor was right--they did fit--and in an hour afterwards Hans was on +his way to the _fete_. When he arrived there many of his old friends stood +agape for a few moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany +than a man growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the +alteration in Hans' appearance. Agnes was evidently struck with the +improvement of the barber's figure, and for two whole hours did he enjoy +the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen other young gentlemen +miserable, by monopolising the arm and conversation of the beauty of +Stocksbawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as +Hans and Agnes turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the +stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his heart +seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, he found +that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the garment of +the giant hung about him in anything but graceful festoons. He felt that +he was a human telescope, that some infernal power could elongate or shut +up at pleasure. + +The whole band of jealous rivals set up the "Laughing Chorus," and Agnes, +in the extremity of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly +fractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the scene of his disgrace, +and never stopped running until he opened the door of his little shop, +threw himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon an old "family +Bible" which chanced to be upon the table. In this position he continued +for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his tormentor and the +two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the centre of the apartment. + +"Well, Scrapshins," said the gentleman, "I have called for my teeth. You +see I have kept my promise." Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled. + +"Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the flask--forget Agnes, and +console yourself with the love of"-- + +The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; for Hans, +at this moment, took up the family volume which had served him for a +pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A scream, so loud that it +broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed to issue from them +simultaneously--a thick vapour filled the room, which gradually cleared +off, and left no traces of Hans' visitors but three small sticks of stone +brimstone. The truth flashed upon the barber--his visitor was the +far-famed Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor, +strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon +Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a +thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of Stocksbawler. +Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a father; but the +coquette who had nearly been his ruin had eloped with the _chasseur_ of a +travelling nobleman. + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY. + +Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. Farr's "Medical +Guide to Nice," and is much disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of +the eternally-talked of "_Nice_ Young Man," in the costume of the country. +He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, for his remarks +show him not to have been "over _Nice_." + + * * * * * + + +COOMBE'S LUNGS AND LEARNING. + +Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical process, +invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. Our and +Finsbury's friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his opinion, this must be +the origin of the received expression for the mighty savans, viz., the +"lights of literature." + + * * * * * + + +PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.--PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES. + +Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons should have +happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is prorogued. Now, +deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his train of apothecaries and +pestle-and-mortar apprentices, who, until February next, are to sit +cross-legged and try to think, there are at least six hundred and thirty +unemployed members of the House of Commons, turned upon the world with +nothing, poor fellows! but grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick +their teeth, in the Gardens of the Tuileries--some may even now venture to +exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,--but with every possible +and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of unemployed +law-makers, to whom time will be a heavy porter's burden. + +We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon us the +gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make all Members of +Parliament, for once in their lives at least, useful. The masons, hired to +build the new temples of Parliament, have struck. The hard-handed +ingrates,--let them go! We propose that, during the prorogation at least, +Members of Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a +word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be compelled, +like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before he could sit down +upon it. + +Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the task, in the +habits of what in our human arrogance we call the lower animals? There is +many a respectable spider who would justly feel himself calumniated by any +comparison between him and any one of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we +_could_ name; yet the spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of +refuge from the Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny +insect, the ant--that living, silent monitor to unregarding men--doth it +not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own abiding place? +Does not the mole scratch its own chamber--the carrion kite build its own +nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of Parliament alone be lodged at others' +pains? + +Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of paper.--(it is said, on +wasp's paper you are wont to write your thoughts on Ireland)--and +resolutely seize a trowel! + +Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its virgin +wax, how it shapes its luscious cone--and though we would not trust you to +place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you may, under instruction, mix +the mortar! + +Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETT--see how craftily it +makes its hole--and though you are too age-stricken to carry a hod, you +may at least do this much--sift the lime. + +But wherefore thus particular--why should we dwell on individuals? +Pole-cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your vermin affinities, come +forth, and staring reproachfully in the faces of all prorogued Members, +bid them imitate your zeal and pains, and--the masons having struck--build +their Houses for themselves. + +(We make this proposal in no thoughtless--no bantering spirit. He can see +very little into the most transparent mill-stone who believes that we pen +these essays--essays that will endure and glisten as long, ay as long as +the freshest mackerel--if he think that we sit down to this our weekly +labour in a careless lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON +BULWER, when he girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we +approach our work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always +dress for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote +"Richelieu" in a harlequin's jacket (sticking pirate's pistols in his +belt, ere he valorously _took_ whole scenes from a French melo-drama): +_we_ penned our last week's essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a +tie-wig askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a +court-suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers crisped, and +a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having subsided into our +chair--it is in most respects like the porphyry piece of furniture of the +Pope--and our housekeeper having played the Dead March in Saul on our +chamber organ (BULWER wrote "The Sea Captain" to the preludizing of a +Jew's-harp), we enter on our this week's labour. We state thus much, that +our readers may know with what pains we prepare ourselves for them. +Besides, when BULWER thinks it right that the world should know that the +idea of "La Vailiere" first hit him in the rotonde of a French diligence, +modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not be anxious to +learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, when we scratch our +head to assist the thought that sticks by the way, we displace a velvet +cap or a Truefitt's scalp?) + +Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a line of +it--the omission will not maim our argument. So to proceed. + +If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we shall find +that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have exhibited the most +extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And then their capacity of +endurance! Arguments that would have knocked down any reasonable elephant +have touched them no more than would summer gnats. Well, why not awake +this sleeping strength? Why not divert a mischievous potency into +beneficial action? Why should we confine a body of men to making laws, +when so many of them might be more usefully employed in wheeling barrows? +Now there is Mr. PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays +respectable--would he not be working far more enduring utility with +pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the flowing of +the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not D'ISRAELI be turned into a very +jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light interior work of both the +Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will support nothing; but we think he +would be a very smart hand at a hat-peg. + +As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier mechanics than Sir +James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we remember their opinions on +the Corn Laws, and see that they are a part of the cabinet which has +already shown symptoms of some approaching alteration of the Bread +Tax--when we consider their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is, +and Sir Robert PEEL'S small, adventurous liberality, his half-bashful +homage to the spirit of the age--sure we are that both GRAHAM and +KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must be +masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of men for the +joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament. + +Again how many members from their long experience in the small jobbery of +committees--from their profitable knowledge of the mysteries of private +bills and certain other unclean work which may, if he please, fall to the +lot of the English senator--how many of these lights of the times might +build small monuments of their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain +conveniences required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have +seen the plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his +taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and +beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, dirty, +winding ways of Parliament--reader, take a list of her Majesty's Commons, +and running your finger down their names, pick us out three hundred +able-bodied labourers--three hundred stalwart night workmen in darkness +and corruption. We ask the country, need it care for the strike of Peto's +men (the said Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from +_Falstaff's_ retainer), when there is so much unemployed labour, hungering +only for the country's good? + +We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the present +Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we know that there +are so few among them who can look upon more than _one side_ of a +question, we own that the completion of the building may be considerably +delayed by employing only members of Parliament as square workmen: the +truth is, having never been accustomed to the operation, they will need +considerable instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable, +by habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a hod. + +We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether they ought +not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of Peto and Grissell, +with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they be not wholly insensible of +the wants of the nation and of their own dignity, Monday morning's sun +will shine upon every man of her Majesty's majority, for once laudably +employed in the nation's good. How delightful then to saunter near the +works--how charming then to listen to members of Parliament! What a +picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by STANLEY, have we +not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting saw? Instead of an oration +from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill note of his ungreased parliamentary +barrow? For the "hear, hear" of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of +the hammer--for the "cheer" from INGLIS, the sweeter chink of the mason's +chisel? + +And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen themselves! +After six days' toil, there is scarcely one of them who will not feel +himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants and feelings of labouring +man. They will learn sympathy in the most efficient manner--by the sweat +of their brow. Pleasant, indeed, 'twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his +axe, and beg, with _Sly_, for "a pot of the smallest ale." + +Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the mason's strike--having shewn +that the fitness of things calls upon the Commons, in the present dilemma, +to build their own house--we should feel it unjust to the government not +to acknowledge the good taste which, as we learn, has directed that an +estimate be taken of the disposable space on the walls of the new +buildings, to be devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter. +Records of the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the +walls of Parliament. + +This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and instructive, +the greatest judgment must be exercised in the selection of subjects; +which, for ourselves, we would have to illustrate the wisdom and +benevolence of Parliament. How beautifully would several of the Duke of +WELLINGTON'S speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing +Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to his +grace) famishing in England! And then the Duke's view of the shops of +butchers, and poulterers, and bakers--all in the Dutch style--by which his +grace has lately proved, that if there be distress, it can certainly not +be for want of comestibles! But the theme is too suggestive to be carried +out in a single paper. + +We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and GRAHAM, +half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, will make pretty +companion pictures. + +To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, Parliament will +want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no other than the artist to +PUNCH! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIV. + +[Illustration: THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +III.--OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT. + +For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers of the +new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly chronicled +every word that has fallen from the lips of every professor in his +leviathan note book; and his desk teems with reports of all the hospital +cases, from the burnt housemaid, all cotton-wool and white lead, who set +herself on fire reading penny romances in bed, on one side of the +hospital, to the tipsy glazier who bundled off his perch and spiked +himself upon the area rails on the other. He becomes a walking chronicle +of pathological statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the +wards, imagines himself an embryo Hunter. + +To keep up his character, a new man ought perpetually to carry a +stethoscope--a curious instrument, something like a sixpenny toy trumpet +with its top knocked off, and used for the purpose of hearing what people +are thinking about, or something of the kind. In the endeavour to acquire +a perfect knowledge of its use he is indefatigable. There is scarcely a +patient but he knows the exact state of their thoracic viscera, and he +talks of enlarged semilunar valves, and thickened ventricles with an air +of alarming confidence. And yet we rather doubt his skill upon this point; +we never perceived anything more than a sound and a jog, something similar +to what you hear in the cabin of a fourpenny steam-boat, and especially +mistrusted the "metallic tinkling," and the noise resembling a +blacksmith's bellows blowing into an empty quart-pot, which is called the +_bruit de soufflet_. Take our word, when medicine arrives at such a pitch +that the secrets of the human heart can be probed, it need not go any +further, and will have the power of doing mischief enough. + +The new man does not enter much into society. He sometimes asks a few +other juniors to his lodgings, and provides tea and shrimps, with +occasional cold saveloys for their refection, and it is possible he may +add some home-made wine to the banquet. Their conversation is exceedingly +professional; and should they get slightly jocose, they retail anatomical +paradoxes, technical puns, and legendary "catch questions," which from +time immemorial have been the delight of all new men in general, and +country ones in particular. + +But diligent and industrious as the new man may be, he is mortal after +all, and being mortal, is not proof against temptation--at least, after +five or six weeks of his pupilage have passed. The good St. Anthony +resisted all the endeavours of the Evil One to lure him from the proper +path, until the gentleman of the discoloured _cutis vera_ assumed the +shape of a woman. The new man firmly withstands all inducements to +irregularity until his first temptation appears in the form of the +Cyder-cellars--the convivial Rubicon which it is absolutely necessary for +him to pass before he can enrol himself as a member of the quiet, +hard-working, modest fraternity of the Medical Student of our London +Hospitals. + +_Facilis descensus Averni._--The steps that lead from Maiden-lane to the +Cyder-cellars are easy of descent, although the return is sometimes +attended with slight difficulty. Not that we wish to compare our favourite +_souterrain_ in question to the "Avernus" of the Latin poet; oh, no! If +AEneas had met with roast potatoes and stout during his celebrated voyage +across the Styx to the infernal regions, and listened to songs and glees +in place of the multitude of condemned souls, "horrendum stridens," we +wager that he would have been in no very great hurry to return. But we +have arrived at an important point in our physiology--the first launch of +the new man into the ocean of his London life, and we pause upon its +shore. He has but definite ideas of three public establishments at all +intimately connected with his professional career--the Hall, the College, +and the Cyder-cellars. There are but three individuals to whom he looks +with feelings of deference--Mr. Sayer of Blackfriars, Mr. Belfour of +Lincoln's-inn-fields, and Mr. Rhodes of Maiden-lane. These are the +impersonation of the Fates--the arbitrators of his destinies. + +As it is customary that an attendance in the Theatre of Lectures should +precede the student's determination to "have a shy at the College," or "go +up to the Hall," so is it usual for a visit to one of the theatres to be +paid before going down to the Cyder-cellars. The new man has been beguiled +into the excursion by the exciting narratives of his companions, and +beginning to feel that he is behind the other "chaps" (a new man's term) +in knowledge of the world, he yields to the attraction held out; not +because he at first thinks it will give him pleasure so to do, as because +it will put him on a level with those who have been, on the same principle +as our rambling compatriots go to Switzerland and the Rhine. His Mentor is +ready in the shape of a third-season man, and under his protecting +influence he sallies forth. + +The theatres have concluded; every carriage, cab, and "coach 'nhired" in +their vicinity is in motion; venders of trotters and ham-sandwiches are in +full cry; the bars of the proximate retail establishments are crowded with +thirsty gods; ruddy chops and steaks are temptingly displayed in the +windows of the supper-houses, and the turnips and carrots in the +freshly-arrived market-carts appear astonished at the sudden confusion by +which they are surrounded. Amidst this confusion the new man and his +friends arrive beneath the beacon which illumines the entrance of the +tavern. He descends the stairs in an agony of anticipation, and feverishly +trips up the six or eight succeeding ones to arrive at the large room. A +song has just concluded, and he enters triumphantly amidst the thunder of +applause, the jingling of glasses, the imperious vociferations of fresh +orders, and an atmosphere of smoke that pervades the whole apartment, like +dense clouds of incense burning at the altar of the genius of +conviviality. + +The new man is at first so bewildered, that it would take but little extra +excitement to render him perfectly unconscious as to the probability of +his standing upon his _occipito-frontalis_ or _plantar fascia_. But as he +collects his ideas, he contrives to muster sufficient presence of mind to +order a Welsh rabbit, and in the interim of its arrival earnestly +contemplates the scene around him. There is the room which, in after life, +so vividly recurs to him, with its bygone _souvenirs_ of mirth, when he is +sitting up all night at a bad case in the mud cottage of a pauper union. +There are its blue walls, its wainscot and its pillars, its lamps and +ground-glass shades, within which the gas jumps and flares so fitfully; +its two looking-glasses, that reflect the room and its occupants from one +to the other in an interminable vista. There also is Mr. Rhodes, bending +courteously over the backs of the visiters' chairs, and hoping everybody +has got everything to their satisfaction, or bestowing an occasional +subdued acknowledgment upon an _habitue_ who chances to enter; and the +professional gentlemen all laying their heads together at the top of the +table to pitch the key of the next glee; and the waiters bustling up and +down with all sorts of tempting comestibles; and the gentleman in the +Chesterfield wrapper smoking a cigar at the side of the room, while he +leans back and contemplates the ceiling, as if his whole soul was +concentrated in its smoke-discoloured mouldings. + +The new man is in ecstasies; he beholds the realization of the Arabian +Nights, and when the harmony commences again, he is fairly entranced. At +first, he is fearful of adding the efforts of his laryngeal "little +muscles with the long names" to swell the chorus; but, after the second +glass of stout and a "go of whiskey," he becomes emboldened, and when the +gentleman with the bass voice sings about the Monks of Old, what a jovial +race they were, our friend trolls out how "they laughed, ha, ha!" so +lustily, that he gets quite red in the face from obstructed jugulars, and +applauds, when it has concluded, until everything upon the table performs +a curious ballet-dance, which is only terminated by the descent of the +cruets upon the floor. + +The precise hour at which the new man arrives at home, after this eventful +evening, has never been correctly ascertained; having a latch-key, he is +the only person that could give any authentic information upon this point; +but, unfortunately, he never knows himself. Some few things, however, are +universally allowed, namely, that in extreme cases he is found asleep on +the rug at the foot of the stairs next morning, with the rushlight that +was left in the passage burnt quite away, and all the solder of the +candlestick melted into little globules. More frequently he knocks up the +people of the neighbouring house, under the impression that it is his own, +but that a new keyhole has been fitted to the door in his absence; and, in +the mildest forms of the disease, he drinks up all the water in his +bed-room during the night, and has a propensity for retiring to rest in +his pea-coat and Bluchers, from the obstinate tenacity of his buttons and +straps. The first lecture the next morning fails to attract him; he eats +no breakfast, and when he enters the dissecting-room about one o'clock, +his fellow-students administer to him a pint of ale, warmed by the simple +process of stirring it with a hot poker, with some Cayenne pepper thrown +into it, which he is assured will set to rights the irritable mucous +lining of his stomach. The effect of this remedy is, to send him into a +sound sleep during the whole of the two o'clock anatomical lecture; and +awakened at its close by the applause of the students, he thinks he is +still at the Cyder-cellars, and cries out "Encore!" + + * * * * * + + +RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PREVENTION OF RAILWAY ACCIDENTS. + +Having been particularly struck by the infernal smashes that have recently +taken place on several railroad lines, and having been ourselves forcibly +impressed by a tender, which it must be allowed was rather hard (coming in +collision with ourselves), we have thought over the subject, and have now +the following suggestions to offer:-- + +Behind each engine let there be second and third class carriages, so that, +in the event of a smash, second and third class lives only would be +sacrificed. + +Let there be a van full of stokers before the first class carriages; for, +as the directors appear to be liberal of the stokers' lives, it is +presumed that every railway company has such a glut of them that they can +be spared easily. + +As some of the carriages are said to oscillate, from being too heavy at +the top, let a few copies of "Martinuzzi" be placed as ballast at the +bottom. + +In order that the softest possible lining may be given to the carriages, +let the interior be covered with copies of Sibthorp's speeches as densely +as possible. + +We have not yet been able to find a remedy for the remarkable practice +which prevails in some railways of sending a passenger, like a bank-note, +_cut in half_, for better security. + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID.--NO. 2. + + +PROP. I.--PROBLEM. + + _To describe an Independent Member upon a given indefinite line of + politics._ + +[Illustration: L]Let C R, or Conservative Reform, be the given indefinite +line--it is required to describe on C R an independent member. + +[Illustration] + +With the centre Reform, and at the distance of Conservatism, describe G B +and M--or Graham, Brougham, and Melbourne--the extremes of the Whig +Administration of 1834. + +With the centre Conservatism, and at the distance of Reform, describe G B +and P--or Graham, Buckingham, and Peel--the extremes of the Tory +Administration of 1841. + +From the point Graham, where the administrations cut one another, draw the +lines Graham and Reform, and Graham and Conservatism. + +Then Graham and Conservative Reform is an independent member. + +For because Reform was the centre of the Whig Administration, Graham, +Brougham, and Melbourne + +Therefore Graham and Reform was the same as Reform with a shade +Conservatism. + +And because Conservatism is the centre of the Tory Administration, Graham, +Buckingham, and Peel + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Conservatism with a shade +Reform + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Graham and Reform + +Therefore Graham is either a Conservative or a Reformer, as the case may +require. + +And therefore he is a Conservative Reformer-- + +Wherefore, having three sides, which are all the same to him--viz. Reform, +Conservatism, and himself--he is an independent member, and has been +described as a Conservative Reformer. + +_Quod erat_ double-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. II.--PROBLEM. + + _From a given point to draw out a Radical Member to a given length._ + +Let A or his ancestors be the given point, and an A s s the given length; +it is required to draw out upon the point of his ancestors a Radical +member equal to an A s s. + +[Illustration] + +Connect the A s s with A, his ancestors. + +On the A s s and A his ancestors, describe an independent member S R I, +Sir Robert Inglis. + +Then with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, draw out the A s s to G L and S A, or +great literary and scientific attainments. + +And with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, let R Roebuck, be got into a line upon +A, his ancestors. + +With the A s s in the middle, describe the circulation of T N, or "Times" +newspaper. + +And with SRI, Sir Robert Inglis, as the centre, describe the Circle of the +H of C, or House of Commons. + +Then R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, equals an A s s. + +For because the A s s was in the middle of T N, or "Times" newspaper. + +Therefore the rhodomontade of G L and S A, or great literary and +scientific attainments, was equal to the braying of an A s s. + +And because S R I, or Sir Robert Inglis, was in the centre of H C, or +House of Commons. + +Therefore S R I on G L and S A, or Sir Robert Inglis on the great literary +and scientific attainments, was only to be equalled by S R I and R, or Sir +Robert Inglis and Roebuck. + +But Sir R I is always equal to himself. + +Therefore the remainder, A R, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to the +remaining G L and S A, or great literary and scientific attainments. + +But G L and S A, or the great literary and scientific attainments, have +been shown to be equal to those of an A s s. + +And therefore R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to an A s s. + +Wherefore, from a given point, A, his ancestors, has been drawn out a +Radical member, R, Roebuck, equal to an A s s. + +_Quod erat_ sheep-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. III.--PROBLEM + + _From the greater opposition of two members to a given measure to + cut, off a part, so as it may agree with the less._ + +Let P C and W R, or Peel the Conservative and Wakley the Radical, +represent their different oppositions to the New Poor Law, to which that +of W R, or Wakley the Radical, is greater than that of Peel the +Conservative--it is required to cut off from W R, or Wakley the Radical's +opposition a part, so that it may agree with that of P C, or Peel the +Conservative. + +[Illustration] + +From W, or Wakley, draw W T, or Wakley the Trimmer, the same as P C, or +Peel the Conservative. + +With the centre W or Wakley, and to the extremity of T trimming, describe +the magic circle P L A C E. + +Cutting W R or Wakley the Radical in B P, his Breeches Pocket. + +Then W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with Peel the +Conservative. + +For because the circle P L A C E is described about W or Wakley + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, is of the same opinion +as W T or Wakley the Trimmer. + +But W T or Wakley the Trimmer, agrees with Peel the Conservative. + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with P C or Peel +the Conservative. + +Wherefore, from the greater opposition of W R, Wakley the Radical, to the +New Poor Law, is cut off, W B P, Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, which +exactly coincides with the minor opposition of P C or Peel the +Conservative. + +_Quod erat_ brazen-_face-iendum_. + + * * * * * + + +THE VALUE OF STOCKS--LAST QUOTATION. + +During a rural ramble, the ex-premier was diverted from the mental +Shakesperian sustenance derived from "chewing the cud of sweet and bitter +fancy," by an importunate appeal from a reckless disorderly, who was doing +penance for his anti-teetotal propensities, by performing a two hours' +quarantine in the village stocks. So far from sympathising with the +fast-bound sufferer, his lordship, in a tone of the deepest regret, +deplored, that he had himself not been so tightly secured in his place, +as, had that been the case, he would still have been provided with + +[Illustration: BOARD AND LODGING FOR A SINGLE MAN.] + + * * * * * + +THE LINEN-DRAPER OF LUDGATE. + + Shop fronts are daily "higher" raised. + Our master's "ire" as often; + Would they but raise _our_ "hire" a bit, + 'Twould much our mis'ries soften! + +THE SHOPMEN--POOR DEVILS + + * * * * * + + +SPANISH POLITICS. + +(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Pampeluna, Oct. 1._ + +"An event has just occurred which will doubtless change the dynasty of the +Spanish succession before I have finished my letter. At eleven o'clock +this morning, several officers were amusing themselves at picquet in a +coffee-house. One having played the king, another cried out, 'Ay, the +king! _Vivat_! Down with the Queen! Don Carlos for ever!' This caused a +frightful sensation, and the National Guards are now on their way to +blockade the house. + +"_One o'clock_, P.M.--The National Guards have joined the Carlists, and +the regulars are at this moment flying to arms. + +"_Two o'clock_.--The royal troops are defeated, and Don Carlos is now +being proclaimed King of Spain, &c." + + +(FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Madrid, Oct. 2._ + +"The nominal reign of Don Carlos, commenced at Pampeluna, has been but of +short duration. A diversion has taken place in favour of the husband of +the Queen Regent--Munos, who, having been a private soldier, is thought by +his rank and file camaradoes to have a prior claim to Don Carlos. They +have revolted to a man, and the Carlists tremble in their boots. + +"_Six o'clock_, A.M.--The young Queen has fled the capital--Munos is our +new King, and his throne will no doubt be consolidated by a vigorous +ministry. + +"_Seven o'clock_, A.M.--News has just arrived from Pampeluna that the +Carlists are so disgusted with the counter-revolution, that a +counter-counter-revolution having taken place amongst the shopkeepers, in +favour of the Queen Regent, the Carlists have joined it. After all, the +Queen Mother will doubtless permanently occupy the throne--at least for a +day or two. + +"_Eight o'clock_.--News has just arrived from Biscay of a new revolt, +extending through all the Basque provinces; and they are only waiting for +some eligible pretender to come forward to give to this happy country +another ruler. Advices from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a +rebellious spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly +anticipated during the next twelvemonth." + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. 4. + + And must we part?--well, let it be; + 'Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me; + For though I still was true to thee, + Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me. + Take back this written pledge of love, + No more I'll to my bosom fold it; + The ring you gave, your faith to prove, + I can't return--because I've sold it! + + I will not ask thee to restore + Each _gage d'armour_, or lover's token, + Which I had given thee before + The links between us had been broken. + They were not much, but oh! that brooch, + If for my sake thou'st deign'd to save it, + For that, at least, I must encroach,-- + It wasn't mine, although I gave it. + + The gem that in my breast I wore, + That once belonged unto your mother + Which, when you gave to me, I swore + For life I'd love you, and no other. + Can you forget that cheerful morn, + When in my breast thou first didst stick it?-- + I can't restore it--it's in pawn; + But, base deceiver--that's the ticket. + + Oh, take back all, I cannot bear + These proofs of love--they seem to mock it; + There, false one, take your lock of hair-- + Nay, do not ask me for the locket. + Insidious girl! that wily tear + Is useless now, that all is ended: + There is thy curl--nay, do not sneer, + The locket's--somewhere--being mended. + + The dressing-case you lately gave + Was fit, I know, for Bagdad's caliph; + I used it only once to shave, + When it was taken by the bailiff. + Than thou didst give I bring back less; + But hear the truth, without more dodging-- + The landlord's been with a distress, + And positively cleared my lodging. + + * * * * * + + +CONS. BY O CONNELL. + +What English word expresses the Latin for cold?--"Jelly"-does (_Gelidus_). + +Why is a blackleg called a sharper?--Because he's less blunt than other +men. + +Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?--Because it keeps one _dry_ all +day. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +OLD MAIDS. + +_Sir Philip Brilliant_ is a gentleman of exquisite breeding--a man of +fashion, with a taste for finery, and somewhat of a fop. He reveals his +pretty figure to us, arrayed in all the glories of white and pink satins, +embellished with flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His +servant is performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of +the dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws are +unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find one--nine +valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the money; and _Robert_ +instantly pays a tribute to the title of the play by discovering a +_wrinkle_--equally an emblem of an "Old Maid" and an ill-fitting vest. +This incident shows us that _Sir Philip_ is an amateur in dress; but his +predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to scold his +goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The next scene takes +us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon Ludgate-hill. We are +inside the shop of the goldsmith, _Master Blount_, most likely the founder +of the firm now conducted by Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons, +who, being brought up to the same trade, and always living together, are, +of course, eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the +shop; the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of +all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and elegance. +The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the subject of their sons, +which happily, (for family quarrels seldom amuse third parties) is put an +end to by a second "shine," brought about by the entrance of _Sir Philip +Brilliant_, to make the threatened complaint about bad workmanship. The +younger and fiery _Thomas Blount_ resents some of _Sir P.B._'s expressions +to his father; this is followed by the usual _badinage_ about swords and +their use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a +duel, and are not disappointed. + +Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman is wounded, +and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his sworn friend for ever. + +The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great revolution has +taken place in the private concerns of the family Blount. _Thomas_, the +younger, has become a colonel in the army; John, having got possession of +the shop, has sold the stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.; +doubtless, to the late _Mr. Rundell's_ great-grandfather; and has set up +for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society he is +indebted to _Robert_, whom he has mistaken for a Baronet, and who presents +him to several of his fellow-knights of the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for +the occasion, lords and ladies, exactly as it happens in the farce of +"High Life Below Stairs." + +But where are the "Old Maids" all this time? Where, indeed! _Lady Blanche_ +and _Lady Anne_ are young and beautiful--exquisitely lovely; for they are +played by Madame Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that +directly they appear, the spectator assures himself that they are _not_ +the "Old Maids." To be sure they seem to have taken a sort of vow of +celibacy; but their fascinating looks--their beauty--their enchanting +manners, offer a challenge to the whole bachelor world, that would make +the keeping of such a vow a crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble +long on that account. _Lady Blanche_, has, we are informed, taken to +disguising herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the +character of a yeoman's daughter, she entered _Blount's_ shop, and fell in +love with _Thomas_: at this exact part of the narrative _Colonel Blount_ +is announced, attended by his sworn friend, _Sir Philip Brilliant_. A sort +of partial recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a +dreadful state of suspense till the commencement of another act. + +_Sir Philip_, who has formerly loved _Lady Blanche_ without success, now +tries his fortune with _Lady Anne_; and at this point, dramatic invention +ends; for, excepting the mock-marriage of _John Blount_ with a +lady's-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the vicissitudes the two +pair of lovers go through--all of their own contrivance, on purpose to +make themselves as wretched as possible--till the grand clearing up, which +always takes place in every last scene, from the "Adelphi" of Terence (or +Yates), down to the "Old Maids" of Mr. Sheridan Knowles. + + * * * * * + +COCORICO, OR MY AUNT'S BANTAM. + +Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on their own +account, and depend almost entirely upon the "French," managers have added +a new member to their establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ +a Paris correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be +brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which they +(the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the English market, +they are seldom _neat_ as imported. + +The gentleman who "does" the Parisian correspondence for the Adelphi +Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing the above title; the +fable, of which, like some of AEsop's, principally concerns a hen, that, +however, does not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does--an innocent +little fair who has charge of the fowl--a sort of _Justice Woodcock_, and +a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform of a drum or bugle-major, +calls himself a serjeant. To these may be added, Mr. Yates in his own +private character, and a few sibilants in the pit, who completed the +poultry-nature of the piece by playing the part of geese. + +The plot would have been without interest, but for the accidental +introduction of the last two characters,--or the geese and the +cock-of-the-walk. The pittites, affronted at the extreme puerility of some +of the incidents, and the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This +raffled the feathers of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or +rather at, the wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence +the geese. Mr. Yates spoke--we need not say how or what. Everybody knows +how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his hat, and +smiles, and frowns, and "appeals" and "declares upon his honour" while +agitating the buttons on the left side of his coat, and "entreats" and +"throws himself upon the candour of a British public," and puts the stamp +upon all he has said by an impressive thump of the foot, a final flourish +of the arms, and a triumphal exit to poean-sounding "bravoes!" and to the +utter confusion of all dis--or to be more correct, hiss--sentients. + +In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and _Cocorico_ deserved its +fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the chief character with +much tact and cleverness, singing the vaudevilles charmingly--a most +difficult task, we should say, on account of the adapter, in putting +English words to French music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large +majority of them. Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree +of character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the vampire-trap +of too many young performers--stage conventionalism, and that she copies +from Nature. It is unfortunate for both these clever actresses that they +have been thrust into a piece, which not even their talents could save +from partial ----, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown very +strict. The piece wants _cur_-tailment; which, if previously applied, will +increase the interest, and make it, perhaps, an endurable dramatic + +[Illustration: FRENCH "TAIL"--WITH CUTS.] + + * * * * * + + +PROMENADE CONCERTS. + +The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for his +office--he is several degrees less personable than M. Jullien--he does not +even wear moustaches! and to suppose that a man can beat time properly +without them is ridiculous. He looks a great deal more like a modest, +respectable grocer, than a man of genius; for he neither turns up his eyes +nor his cuffs, and has the indecency to appear without white gloves! His +manners, too, are an insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning +school of music; he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least +grace or _eclat_. He does not spread out both arms like a goose that wants +to fly, while hushing down a _diminuendo_; nor gesticulate like a madman +during the fortes; in short, he only gives out the time in passages where +the players threaten unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those +amateurs who pay their money only for the pleasure of seeing the _baton_ +flourished about, are defrauded of half their amusement. M. Musard takes +them in--for it must be evident, even to them, that what we have said is +true, and that he possesses scarcely a qualification for the office he +holds--if we make one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)--for he +is nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single +accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself upon the +Cockney _dilettanti_ after M. Jullien, who possessed every other requisite +for a conductor _but_ a knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a +paltry acquirement, and purely mechanical. + +On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles and waltzes +was administered, with an admixture from the dull scores of Beethoven. +Disgusted as we were at the humbug of performing the works of this master +without blue-fire, and an artificial storm in the flies, yet--may we +confess it?--we were nearly as much charmed by the "Andante" from his +Symphonia in A, as if the lights had been put out to give it effect. We +blush for our taste, but thank our _stars_ (Jullien included) that we have +the courage to own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened +Concert d'Ete patronising public. In sober truth, we were ravished! The +pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the _ensemble_ of them +was so complete, the wind instruments were blown so exactly in tune, so +evenly in tone, that the whole passion of that touching andante seemed to +be felt by the entire band, which _went_ as one instrument. The +subject--breaking in as it does, when least expected, and worked about +through nearly every part of the score, so as to produce the most +delicious effects--was played with equal delicacy and feeling by every +performer who had to take it up; while the under-current of accompaniment +was made to blend with it with a masterly command and unanimity of tone, +that we cannot remember to have heard equalled. + +Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of the +audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but coldly. This, +however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, and brass-blurting +of the overture to "Zampa" was noised forth: this was encored with +ecstacies, and so were some of the quadrilles. Happy musical taste! +Beethoven's septour, arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration +unworthy of Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned +to arrange the sailor's hornpipe, as + +[Illustration: A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).] + + * * * * * + + +THE WAR WITH CHINA. + +The celebrated pranks of the "Bull in the China Shop" are likely to be +repeated on a grand scale--the part of the Bull being undertaken, on this +occasion, by the illustrious John who is at the head of the family. + +The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a _chop_, +surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was dished up with a good +deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately forwarded to Elliot. The custom of +sending chops to an enemy is founded on the idea, that the fact of there +being a bone to pick cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than "by +wrapping it up," as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible. + +Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have attacked our +forces with _junk_, from which it has been supposed that our brave tars +have been pitched into with large pieces of salt beef, while the English +commanders have been pelted with _chops_; but this is an error. The thing +called _junk_ is not the article of that name used in the Royal Navy, but +a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that sort of +material, something between wood and paper, of which we in this country +manufacture hat-boxes. + +The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him are afraid +to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been most unmercifully +wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief that they have achieved a +victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who happened to suggest the necessity +for a stronger force, was instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who +can now and then do things by halves, though such is not his ordinary +custom. + +We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will supply us +with the earliest intelligence. + + * * * * * + + +TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS. + +CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS. + +The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly solicited in +behalf of + +JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, author of the +"New Whig Guide," &c., &c., who, from having been considered one of the +first wits of his day, is now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic +indigence. It is earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in +vain, and that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be +restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means he may +be able to continue his contributions to the "Quarterly Review," which +have been recently refused from their utter dulness. + +Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; by the Hon. +and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the House of Commons; +and the Garrick's Head. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED. + +Samuel Rogers, Esq.--Ten puns, and a copy of "Italy." + +Tom Cooke, Esq.--One joke (musical), consisting of "God save the Queen," +arranged for the penny trumpet. + +T. Hood, Esq.--Twenty-three epigrams. + +Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.--A laughable Corn-law pamphlet. + +John Poole, Esq.--A new farce, with liberty to extract all the jokes from +the same, amounting to two _jeux d'esprit_ and a pun. + +Proprietors of PUNCH.--The "copy" for No. 15 of the LONDON +CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and therefore as many +jests. + +Col. Sibthorp.--A conundrum. + +Daniel O'Connell.--An Irish _tail_. + +Messrs. Grissel and Peto.--A _strike_-ing masonic interlude, called "The +Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the Rusty Trowel." + +Commissioner Lin.--A special edict. + +Lord John Russell.--"A new Guide to Matrimony," and a facetious essay, +called "How to leave one's Lodgings." + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE'S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPOEIA. + +Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose physiology is +recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer Copoeia resides, and +whether he is for or against the Corn Laws? + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 16, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14932.txt or 14932.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14932/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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