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diff --git a/14932-8.txt b/14932-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5c42b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14932-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2391 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 16, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14932] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +TRADE REPORT. + +(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.) + +[Illustration: T]The market has been in a most extraordinary state all the +morning. Our first advices informed us that feathers were getting very +heavy, and that lead was a great deal brisker than usual. In the +fish-market, flounders were not so flat as they had been, and, to the +surprise of every one, were coming round rapidly. + +The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a smoothness to the +transactions of the day, which had a visible effect on business. Every +species of fats were in high demand, but the glut of mutton gave a +temporary check to the general facility of the ordinary operations. + +The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having caused an +unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of a parish union, +gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, which had been +exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning. + +We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who is up to +every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that the flouring +system must soon prove the destruction of fair and fowl commerce. We do +not wish to be premature, but our informant is a person in whom we place +the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there is every reason why we should +depend upon so respectable an authority. + +Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, and even +that was not in a dealer's hands, but was being used by a basket-woman, +who was darning a stocking. After this, who can be surprised at the +stoppage of the factories? + +Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, seemed to be +merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a view to future +dealings. + + * * * * * + + +THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY. + +The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is confined +to the investigation of the materials which compose this terrestrial +globe;--in its more extended signification, it relates, also, to the +examination of the different layers or strata of society, as they are to +be met with in the world. + +Society is divided into three great strata, called High Life--Middle +Life--and Low Life. Each of these strata contains several classes, which +have been ranged in the following order, descending from the highest to +the lowest--that is, from the drawing-room of St. James's to the cellar in +St. Giles's. + + _ _ + | | ST. JAMES'S SERIES. + H | | People wearing coronets. + i | Superior__| People related to coronets. + g | Class. | People having no coronet, but who expect to get one. + h | | People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a + -| | carriage. + L | |_ + i | _ + f | | SECONDARY. + e | | (_Russell-square group._) + | | People who keep a carriage, but are silent + |_ | respecting their grandfathers. + _ | People who give dinners to the superior series. + | | People who talk of the four per cents, and are + | | suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern + M | Transition_| in the City. + i | Class. | + d | | (_Clapham group._) + d | | People who "confess the Cape," and say, that though + l | | Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in + e | | Fenchurch-street, he needn't do it if he didn't + -| | like. + L | | People who keep a shop "concern" and a one-horse + i | | shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the + f | |_ dog-days. + e | _ + | | People who keep a "concern," but no shay, do the + | | genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn + | | occasions. + | | People, known as "shabby-genteels," who prefer + |Metamorphic | walking to riding, and study Kidd's "How to live + |_ class. __| on a hundred a-year." + _ | + L | | INFERIOR SERIES. + o | | (_Whitechapel group._) + w | | People who dine at one o'clock, and drink stout out + | |_ of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens. + L-| _ + i | | People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in + f | Primitive__| pleasure "wans" to Richmond on Sundays in summer. + e | Formation. | + | | (_St. Giles's group._) + |_ |_Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties. + +It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great +divisions of society, namely, _High Life, Low Life_, and _Middle Life_, +are subdivided, or more properly, sub-classed, into the Superior, +Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social +scale is the Primitive Formation--which may be described as the basis and +support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be +distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they +effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the +_St. Giles's Group_--(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found +only in the great London basin)--and that portion of the Whitechapel group +whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure 'wans' to Richmond on +Sundays. In man's economy the _St. Giles's Group_ are exceedingly +important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where +their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in +order is the Metamorphic class--so called, because of the singular +metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their +common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the _St. +Giles's Group_, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured +surface, with bright buttons and a shining "four-and-nine"--goss. This +class includes the upper portion of the _Whitechapel Group_, and the two +lower strata of the _Clapham Group_. The _Whitechapel Group_ is the most +elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies +a wide extent on the Surrey side of the water--it is part of the _Clapham +Group_, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of +Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to +be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary +formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remains--a great +variety of miscellaneous articles--such as watches, rings, and silk +waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are +technically termed _avuncular depositories_. The deposition of these +matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most +general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on +some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his +wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left +amongst an accumulation of "popped" articles from various districts. The +chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves, +but from their _duplicates_, which afford the most satisfactory proof of +the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally +to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been +frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal-green +and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to +such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest +geologists. Immediately above the "shabby genteel" stratum are found the +people who "keep a shop concern, but no shay;" it is the uppermost layer +of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling +with the supra-genteel _Clapham Group_. The "shop and no shay" stratum +forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by +its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech. +Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and +obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation, +separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing +strata of thick double Witneys. + +Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause +until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the +TRANSITION CLASS--the "shop and shay people"--and, as we hope, convince +our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great +advantage of studying the strata of human life + +[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.] + + * * * * * + + +COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION. + +Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the +Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an +unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off; +upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and +composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:-- + + I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds + The gentle ass has slain; + For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds, + It seems a warning plain. + + * * * * * + + +CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA. + +It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the +British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China, +who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + + +THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN. + +There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his +dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +POOR JACK. + +A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four +hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only +drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his +prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that +he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending +his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the +long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but +even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired +object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of +brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches, +fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his +wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the +boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash +scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a +sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether. +An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at +the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned +upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with +the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so +easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a +cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the +dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the +coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat. + +These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be +met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of +Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most +remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about +the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside +which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of +some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small +model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's +(God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor +lost his blessed limb." + +Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his +baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his +species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which +he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and +with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence +will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's +songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete +repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom +Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with +"Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite +pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he +always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his +auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments. + +Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed +babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack +commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and +the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune +sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging +into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;-- + + "Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder-- + The rain a deluge pours-- + Our sails were split asunder, + By lightning's vivid pow'rs. + +"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you, +master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman, +Polly-- + + "The night both drear and dark, + Our poor desarted bark, + There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!) + + "There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack, + and his little Polly--till next day, + In the Bay of Biscay O." + +"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his +voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took +to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three +thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by +Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's +black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have +potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of +way, my lady-- + + "Come all you jolly sailors bold, + Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould, + While British valour I unfold-- + Huzza! for the Arethusa! + She was a frigate stout and brave + As ever stemm'd the dashing wave-- + +"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled +for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour, +how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little +Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in +with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, +that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with +hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes +to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance +ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing-- + + "My name d'ye see's Tom Tough, + And I've seen a little sarvice, + Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow, + I've sail'd with noble Howe, + And I've fought with gallant Jarvis, + And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!" + +"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent +tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the +coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other +port, singing lustily as he goes-- + + "Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!" + +Farewell, POOR JACK! + + * * * * * + + +THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES! + +Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the +indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it +seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the +duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable +views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera +glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire +the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be +the last place we should select, if we were + +[Illustration: GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.] + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS + +OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, +AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY. + +CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS, + +IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT, + + +THE DIRECTORS + +To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the +various Metropolitan hospitals. + + +ACTING SECRETARIES, + +The County Coroners. + +By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be +divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them. + +The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage +(so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and +the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation +Assurance Company." + +The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of +the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:-- + +CLASS I. + +Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly +hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:-- + + PER CENT. + Engineer, first six months, total life ....... 90 + Legs, at per each ............................ 74 + Arms, ditto ditto ............................ 60 + Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ... 55 + Dislocations and contusions, per score ....... 50 + +N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six +months. + +First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of +all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be +charged as above. + +STOKERS. + +Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains +have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds +are not included. + +_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just +appointed. + +SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS. + +In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed +together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing +those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit +to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for +effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first +class. + +To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station +to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the +insurers paying down the premium at starting:-- + + £ s. d. +First Class, leg ............................................ 1 11 6 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 1 7 9 +First class, arm ............................................ 1 0 0 +Second ditto ditto .......................................... 0 14 3 +First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9 +Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4 +First Class, teeth each ..................................... 0 0 9 +Whole set ................................................... 1 1 0 +Second Class, ditto ......................................... 0 0 4-3/4 +Whole set..................................................... 0 12 2 +Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with + name and address, First Class............................. 5 5 0 +Second ditto.................................................. 3 3 4 + +In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company +pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches, +contusions, &c., &c. + +All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of +the individual. + +A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping, +bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister. + +Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental +tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption. + +Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the +New Highgate Cemetery. + + * * * * * + + +NOTHING NEW. + + The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves, + For every one knows they take care of themselves. + + * * * * * + + +SCHOOL OF DESIGN. + +The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the +elegant acquirements of the various _attachés_ of the new Tory premier. +The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to +secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must +convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of +drawing. + + * * * * * + + +THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION. + +None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of +their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned +chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of +business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three +months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for +bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will +be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are +told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will +they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great +measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's +exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye +thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and +bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies +you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The +ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine +sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection +that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! +But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN +BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your +tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being +fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign +Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This +important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House, +and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows +the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in +the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_ +Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious +privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never +expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in +this happy land, but law--never! + +Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Albert's +stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged, +ay, and fed; and the people--the creatures whom God made after his own +image--the poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie +down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses +are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the +great crowning work of Ministers--the Queen's speech on the Prorogation of +the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that +profound logical deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was +deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether +without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old +song--the burthen of it was clearly-- + +[Illustration: DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.] + + * * * * * + + +SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM! + +MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher +upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied +the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes +actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. "Heavy," +retorted Silk, "nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is +that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an +obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings, + +[Illustration: "THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND."] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER. + +Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute necessity +involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness as the reduction +of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of epistolatory correspondence. +Some great key-stone to this abstruse science--some accurate data from +which all sorts and conditions of people may at once receive instruction +and assistance, has been long wanting. + +Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great classes, viz.: +those who write to ask favours, and those who write to refuse them. There +is a vague notion extant, that in former days a third genus +existed--though by no means proportionate to the other two--they were +those who wrote "to grant favours;" these were also remarkable for +enclosing remittances and paying the double postage--at least, so we are +assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them and +their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction that the race +has been long extinct. + +Those who write to ask, may be divided into-- + + 1.--Creditors. + 2.--Constituents. + 3.--Sons. + 4.--Daughters. + 5.--Their offspring. + 6.--Nephews, nieces. + 7.--Indistinct cousins, and + 8.--Unknown, dear, and intimate friends. + +Those who write to refuse, are + + 1.--Debtors. + 2.--Members of Parliament + 3.--Fathers. + 4.--Mothers. + 5.--Their kin. + 6.--Uncles. + 7.--Aunts. + 8.--Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, who + will do anything but what the askers want. + +We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the above +parties by laying before them the proper formulæ for their respective +purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is composed of two great +classes, which, though they run into various ramifications, still retain +their original distinguishing characteristics--namely, that of being +either "debtors" or "creditors"--we will give the general information +necessary for the construction of their future effusions. + +(Firstly.) + +From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right honourable, being a +debtor. + +_Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841_. + +MY LORD,--I have done myself the honour of forwarding your lordship a +splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it will be approved of +by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your lordship's small account, the +payment of which will be most acceptable to your lordship's most + +Obedient very humble servant, + +GILBERT GRIPES. + + +THE ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +The sample is tolerable--send in thirty dozen--add them to your +account--and let my steward have them punctually on December 17, 1849. + +BOSKEY. + +P.S.--I expect you'll allow discount. + + +(Secondly.) + +From a creditor, being a "victim," "schneider," "sufferer," or "tailor," +to one who sets off his wares by wearing the same, being consequently a +debtor. + +HONOURED SIR,--I can scarcely express my delight at your kind compliments +as to the fit and patterns of the last seventy-three summer waistcoats; +the rest of the order is in hand. I enclose a small account of 490l. odd, +which will just meet a heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by +return of post, to your obliged and devoted + +Humble servant, + +ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH. + +P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c. + + +ANSWER TO THE SAME + +_Albany_. + +You be d--d, _Backstitch_. + +PENTWISTLE PINK. + + +(Thirdly.) + +From a constituent in the country, being a creditor "upon promises," to a +returned member of Parliament in town. + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841_. + +DEAR SIR,--The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble individual) and the +immense body of your enraptured constituents felt upon reading your truly +patriotic, statesman-like, learned, straightforward and consistent speech, +may be conceived by a person of your immense parliamentary imagination, +but cannot be expressed by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my +trifling exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly +recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the earnest +wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of being near such a +representative, which alone induces him to accept the situation of +landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his preparing for. You will, I +am sure, be happy to learn, the last baby, as you desired is christened +after:--"the country's, the people's, nay, the world's member!" + +Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever your staunch +supporter and admirer, + +FUNK FLAT. + +To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P. + + +(Fourthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,--I am more than happy. My return for your +borough has satisfied _you_, my country, and myself! What can I say more? +Pray give both my names to the dear innocent. Be careful in the spelling, +two "M's" in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and +immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every point +of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you _soon_--you cannot +TOO SOON--and believe me, + +My dear Funk, yours ever, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +(Fifthly.) + +FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER). + +_Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841_. + +MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,--All's right, the two _M's_ are in _their_ +places, when will Joe be in _his?_ I know your heart; pray excuse my +earnestness, but oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near +so kind, so dear, so sincere a friend. + +More devotedly than ever yours, + +FUNK FLAT + +G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c. + + +(Sixthly.) + +ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE. + +_St. Stephen's_. + +How can I express my feelings? _My_ name, _mine_ engrafted on the innocent +offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, evermore to be by them and their +heirs handed down to posterity! How I rejoice at that circumstance, and +the intelligence I have so happily received about the wretched situation +you speak of. Fancy, Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of +rashness, I meant to succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible +disorder attendant upon the duties of those d--d landing-waiterships. What +an escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so there's no +fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever, + +Your sincere and much relieved friend, + +GRIPE GAMMON. + +To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c. + + +From this time forward the correspondence, like "Irish reciprocity," is +"all on one side." It generally consists of four-and-twenty letters from +the constituent in the country to the returned member in town. As these +are _never opened_, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a +_blank sheet of paper_. + + +(Seventhly.) + +FROM SONS TO FATHERS. + +(Several.) + +DEAR FATHER,--Studies continued--(blot)--profession--future +hopes--application--increased expenses--irate landlady--small +remittance--duty--love--say twenty-five pounds--best wishes--sister, +mother, all at home. + +Dutiful son, + +JOHN JOSKIN. + + +(Eighthly.) + +ANSWER TO THE SAME. + +Delighted--assiduity--future fortune--great profession!--Increase of +family--no cash--best prayers, sister, mother. + +_Loving father!_ + +JOSKIN, SEN. + + +N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is good for +all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in letter of asker. +Strong dose of oaths in refuser's answer. + + +(Ninthly.) + +FROM "DEAR AND INTIMATE" TO A "DITTO DITTO." + +_Brighton_. + +MY DEAR TOM,--How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy as a prince; +that is, I should be if you were with me. You know when we first met! what +a time it was! do you remember? How the old times come back, and really +almost the same circumstances! Pray do you recollect I wanted one hundred +and fifty then? isn't it droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it +yourself. + +Ever yours. + +FITZBROWN SMITH. + +T. Tims, Esq. + + +(Tenthly.) + +ANSWER FROM "THE DITTO DITTO" TO "THE DITTO DITTO." + +OLD FELLOW,--Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you joy--wish I was with +you, but can't come. Damn the last Derby--regularly stump'd--cleaned +out--and done Brown!--not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I +am. Here's your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my Opera-box and +a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French hazard. + +Ever, your most devoted friend, + +T. TIMS. + +F. Smith, Esq. + + * * * * * + + +THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER. + +A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. + +At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the year of +grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving +barber. His industry met with due encouragement from the bearded portion +of the community; and the softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness, +generally selected Hans for the honour of new-fronting them, when they had +grown tired of the ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had +frosted. + +Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old burghers +foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a misfortune, which +promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave him a beggar. He fell in +love. + +Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all +remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their patience +and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter saw the flies +of summer scattered on his show-board. + +Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes were as +blue as a summer's sky, her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her +teeth as white as winter's snow. Her hair was a beautiful flaxen--not a +_drab_--but that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of +old were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in _alt_ +were equal to Grisi's: in short, she would have been a very desirable, +loveable young lady, if she had not been a coquette. + +Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise of the +burgomaster's second wife--I beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his +union with his third bride. From that day Hans was a lost barber. +Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, weaving, or powdering, he thought of +nothing but Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward +predicaments. And Agnes--what thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing, +except that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable +garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, after +sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of his remaining +stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The measure had +been taken by the tailor, the garments had been basted and tried on, and +Hans was standing at his door in a state of feverish excitement, awaiting +their arrival in a completed condition (as there was to be _fête_ on the +morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested to be +shaved. Hans wished him at the ---- next barber's; but there was something +so unpleasantly positive in the visitor's appearance, that he had not the +power to object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed +his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each side of +his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans commenced +operations--the lather dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor +emitted small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the stranger's +chin, Hans felt particularly uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto +passed on either side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather +abruptly, "Have you any schnapps in the house?" Hans jumped like a parched +pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and opened the +cupboard. "I never take anything stronger than water," said Hans, in +reply, to the "pshaw!" which broke from the stranger's lips as he smelt at +the contents of a little brown pitcher. "More fool you," replied his +customer. "Here taste that--some of the richest grape-blood of Rheingau;" +and he handed Hans a small flask, which the sober barber respectfully +declined. "Ha! ha! and yet you hope to thrive with the women," said the +stranger. "No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But drink, man! +drink!" + +The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair, +hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his finger briskly +down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and then he +puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the shop coughed aloud. The +uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked towards the door with the most +cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in +at them. "Ha! how are you?" said the stranger; "come in! come in!" and to +Hans' horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the shop. Hans felt +scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he +encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister +expression, he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels seated +herself upon the stranger's knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly +to the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and blinks, +and "wreathed smiles." + +"'Sblitzen!" exclaimed the lady, "the man's an icicle!" + +"Hans, you're a fool!" said the stranger; and his enamorata concurred in +the opinion. The flask was again proffered--the eye-artillery again +brought into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes +Flirtitz. + +The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head ornaments, as +though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the +barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies out. As he stood with +one foot on the step of the door, he turned his head scornfully over his +shoulder, and said, "Hans, you are nothing but--a barber; but before I +eat, you shall repent of your present determination." + +"What security have I that you will keep your word?" replied Hans, who +felt emboldened by the outside situation of his customer, and the shop +poker, of which he had obtained possession. + +"The best in the world," said the stranger. "Here, take these!" and +placing both rows of his teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he +quietly walked up the street with the ladies. + +The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the tailor, +entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. The stranger +was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried on, and they fitted +to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held in +every direction by the delighted tailor, who declared this performance his +_chef-d'oeuvre_ and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he +looked like a gentleman. Without a moment's hesitation, or the slightest +hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last thaler, and +his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook Stitz's hand at parting, +till every bone of the tailor's fingers ached for an hour afterwards, +bolted the door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in +Stocksbawler. + +After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the oddest +sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs +lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; but attributing +this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he proceeded to put on his +pantaloons. With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper +division, when, to his horror and amazement, he found that he had grown +_two feet at least during the night_; and that the pantaloons which had +fitted so admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the +window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the street, +when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the preceding day, who was +leaning against the gable-end of the house opposite, quietly smoking his +meerschaum. Hans paused; then thought, and then concluded that having +found an appetite, he had repented of his boast at parting, and had called +for his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and +opening the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the +summons, but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the +conditions of the wager. To Hans' great surprise he seemed perfectly +acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and good-naturedly +offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the barber's dilemma. The +stranger departed, and in a few moments the tailor arrived, and having +ascertained by his inch measure the truth of Hans' conjectures, bade him +be of good cheer, as he had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. +They had been made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to +call for them, or suspected that Stitz would require the _gelt_ before he +gave up the broadcloth. + +The tailor was right--they did fit--and in an hour afterwards Hans was on +his way to the _fête_. When he arrived there many of his old friends stood +agape for a few moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany +than a man growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the +alteration in Hans' appearance. Agnes was evidently struck with the +improvement of the barber's figure, and for two whole hours did he enjoy +the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen other young gentlemen +miserable, by monopolising the arm and conversation of the beauty of +Stocksbawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as +Hans and Agnes turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the +stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his heart +seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, he found +that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the garment of +the giant hung about him in anything but graceful festoons. He felt that +he was a human telescope, that some infernal power could elongate or shut +up at pleasure. + +The whole band of jealous rivals set up the "Laughing Chorus," and Agnes, +in the extremity of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly +fractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the scene of his disgrace, +and never stopped running until he opened the door of his little shop, +threw himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon an old "family +Bible" which chanced to be upon the table. In this position he continued +for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his tormentor and the +two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the centre of the apartment. + +"Well, Scrapshins," said the gentleman, "I have called for my teeth. You +see I have kept my promise." Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled. + +"Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the flask--forget Agnes, and +console yourself with the love of"-- + +The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; for Hans, +at this moment, took up the family volume which had served him for a +pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A scream, so loud that it +broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed to issue from them +simultaneously--a thick vapour filled the room, which gradually cleared +off, and left no traces of Hans' visitors but three small sticks of stone +brimstone. The truth flashed upon the barber--his visitor was the +far-famed Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor, +strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon +Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a +thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of Stocksbawler. +Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a father; but the +coquette who had nearly been his ruin had eloped with the _chasseur_ of a +travelling nobleman. + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY. + +Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. Farr's "Medical +Guide to Nice," and is much disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of +the eternally-talked of "_Nice_ Young Man," in the costume of the country. +He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, for his remarks +show him not to have been "over _Nice_." + + * * * * * + + +COOMBE'S LUNGS AND LEARNING. + +Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical process, +invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. Our and +Finsbury's friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his opinion, this must be +the origin of the received expression for the mighty savans, viz., the +"lights of literature." + + * * * * * + + +PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.--PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES. + +Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons should have +happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is prorogued. Now, +deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his train of apothecaries and +pestle-and-mortar apprentices, who, until February next, are to sit +cross-legged and try to think, there are at least six hundred and thirty +unemployed members of the House of Commons, turned upon the world with +nothing, poor fellows! but grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick +their teeth, in the Gardens of the Tuileries--some may even now venture to +exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,--but with every possible +and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of unemployed +law-makers, to whom time will be a heavy porter's burden. + +We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon us the +gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make all Members of +Parliament, for once in their lives at least, useful. The masons, hired to +build the new temples of Parliament, have struck. The hard-handed +ingrates,--let them go! We propose that, during the prorogation at least, +Members of Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a +word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be compelled, +like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before he could sit down +upon it. + +Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the task, in the +habits of what in our human arrogance we call the lower animals? There is +many a respectable spider who would justly feel himself calumniated by any +comparison between him and any one of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we +_could_ name; yet the spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of +refuge from the Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny +insect, the ant--that living, silent monitor to unregarding men--doth it +not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own abiding place? +Does not the mole scratch its own chamber--the carrion kite build its own +nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of Parliament alone be lodged at others' +pains? + +Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of paper.--(it is said, on +wasp's paper you are wont to write your thoughts on Ireland)--and +resolutely seize a trowel! + +Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its virgin +wax, how it shapes its luscious cone--and though we would not trust you to +place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you may, under instruction, mix +the mortar! + +Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETT--see how craftily it +makes its hole--and though you are too age-stricken to carry a hod, you +may at least do this much--sift the lime. + +But wherefore thus particular--why should we dwell on individuals? +Pole-cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your vermin affinities, come +forth, and staring reproachfully in the faces of all prorogued Members, +bid them imitate your zeal and pains, and--the masons having struck--build +their Houses for themselves. + +(We make this proposal in no thoughtless--no bantering spirit. He can see +very little into the most transparent mill-stone who believes that we pen +these essays--essays that will endure and glisten as long, ay as long as +the freshest mackerel--if he think that we sit down to this our weekly +labour in a careless lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON +BULWER, when he girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we +approach our work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always +dress for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote +"Richelieu" in a harlequin's jacket (sticking pirate's pistols in his +belt, ere he valorously _took_ whole scenes from a French melo-drama): +_we_ penned our last week's essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a +tie-wig askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a +court-suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers crisped, and +a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having subsided into our +chair--it is in most respects like the porphyry piece of furniture of the +Pope--and our housekeeper having played the Dead March in Saul on our +chamber organ (BULWER wrote "The Sea Captain" to the preludizing of a +Jew's-harp), we enter on our this week's labour. We state thus much, that +our readers may know with what pains we prepare ourselves for them. +Besides, when BULWER thinks it right that the world should know that the +idea of "La Vailière" first hit him in the rotonde of a French diligence, +modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not be anxious to +learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, when we scratch our +head to assist the thought that sticks by the way, we displace a velvet +cap or a Truefitt's scalp?) + +Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a line of +it--the omission will not maim our argument. So to proceed. + +If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we shall find +that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have exhibited the most +extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And then their capacity of +endurance! Arguments that would have knocked down any reasonable elephant +have touched them no more than would summer gnats. Well, why not awake +this sleeping strength? Why not divert a mischievous potency into +beneficial action? Why should we confine a body of men to making laws, +when so many of them might be more usefully employed in wheeling barrows? +Now there is Mr. PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays +respectable--would he not be working far more enduring utility with +pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the flowing of +the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not D'ISRAELI be turned into a very +jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light interior work of both the +Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will support nothing; but we think he +would be a very smart hand at a hat-peg. + +As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier mechanics than Sir +James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we remember their opinions on +the Corn Laws, and see that they are a part of the cabinet which has +already shown symptoms of some approaching alteration of the Bread +Tax--when we consider their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is, +and Sir Robert PEEL'S small, adventurous liberality, his half-bashful +homage to the spirit of the age--sure we are that both GRAHAM and +KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must be +masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of men for the +joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament. + +Again how many members from their long experience in the small jobbery of +committees--from their profitable knowledge of the mysteries of private +bills and certain other unclean work which may, if he please, fall to the +lot of the English senator--how many of these lights of the times might +build small monuments of their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain +conveniences required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have +seen the plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his +taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and +beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, dirty, +winding ways of Parliament--reader, take a list of her Majesty's Commons, +and running your finger down their names, pick us out three hundred +able-bodied labourers--three hundred stalwart night workmen in darkness +and corruption. We ask the country, need it care for the strike of Peto's +men (the said Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from +_Falstaff's_ retainer), when there is so much unemployed labour, hungering +only for the country's good? + +We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the present +Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we know that there +are so few among them who can look upon more than _one side_ of a +question, we own that the completion of the building may be considerably +delayed by employing only members of Parliament as square workmen: the +truth is, having never been accustomed to the operation, they will need +considerable instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable, +by habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a hod. + +We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether they ought +not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of Peto and Grissell, +with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they be not wholly insensible of +the wants of the nation and of their own dignity, Monday morning's sun +will shine upon every man of her Majesty's majority, for once laudably +employed in the nation's good. How delightful then to saunter near the +works--how charming then to listen to members of Parliament! What a +picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by STANLEY, have we +not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting saw? Instead of an oration +from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill note of his ungreased parliamentary +barrow? For the "hear, hear" of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of +the hammer--for the "cheer" from INGLIS, the sweeter chink of the mason's +chisel? + +And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen themselves! +After six days' toil, there is scarcely one of them who will not feel +himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants and feelings of labouring +man. They will learn sympathy in the most efficient manner--by the sweat +of their brow. Pleasant, indeed, 'twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his +axe, and beg, with _Sly_, for "a pot of the smallest ale." + +Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the mason's strike--having shewn +that the fitness of things calls upon the Commons, in the present dilemma, +to build their own house--we should feel it unjust to the government not +to acknowledge the good taste which, as we learn, has directed that an +estimate be taken of the disposable space on the walls of the new +buildings, to be devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter. +Records of the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the +walls of Parliament. + +This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and instructive, +the greatest judgment must be exercised in the selection of subjects; +which, for ourselves, we would have to illustrate the wisdom and +benevolence of Parliament. How beautifully would several of the Duke of +WELLINGTON'S speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing +Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to his +grace) famishing in England! And then the Duke's view of the shops of +butchers, and poulterers, and bakers--all in the Dutch style--by which his +grace has lately proved, that if there be distress, it can certainly not +be for want of comestibles! But the theme is too suggestive to be carried +out in a single paper. + +We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and GRAHAM, +half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, will make pretty +companion pictures. + +To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, Parliament will +want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no other than the artist to +PUNCH! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIV. + +[Illustration: THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +III.--OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT. + +For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers of the +new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly chronicled +every word that has fallen from the lips of every professor in his +leviathan note book; and his desk teems with reports of all the hospital +cases, from the burnt housemaid, all cotton-wool and white lead, who set +herself on fire reading penny romances in bed, on one side of the +hospital, to the tipsy glazier who bundled off his perch and spiked +himself upon the area rails on the other. He becomes a walking chronicle +of pathological statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the +wards, imagines himself an embryo Hunter. + +To keep up his character, a new man ought perpetually to carry a +stethoscope--a curious instrument, something like a sixpenny toy trumpet +with its top knocked off, and used for the purpose of hearing what people +are thinking about, or something of the kind. In the endeavour to acquire +a perfect knowledge of its use he is indefatigable. There is scarcely a +patient but he knows the exact state of their thoracic viscera, and he +talks of enlarged semilunar valves, and thickened ventricles with an air +of alarming confidence. And yet we rather doubt his skill upon this point; +we never perceived anything more than a sound and a jog, something similar +to what you hear in the cabin of a fourpenny steam-boat, and especially +mistrusted the "metallic tinkling," and the noise resembling a +blacksmith's bellows blowing into an empty quart-pot, which is called the +_bruit de soufflet_. Take our word, when medicine arrives at such a pitch +that the secrets of the human heart can be probed, it need not go any +further, and will have the power of doing mischief enough. + +The new man does not enter much into society. He sometimes asks a few +other juniors to his lodgings, and provides tea and shrimps, with +occasional cold saveloys for their refection, and it is possible he may +add some home-made wine to the banquet. Their conversation is exceedingly +professional; and should they get slightly jocose, they retail anatomical +paradoxes, technical puns, and legendary "catch questions," which from +time immemorial have been the delight of all new men in general, and +country ones in particular. + +But diligent and industrious as the new man may be, he is mortal after +all, and being mortal, is not proof against temptation--at least, after +five or six weeks of his pupilage have passed. The good St. Anthony +resisted all the endeavours of the Evil One to lure him from the proper +path, until the gentleman of the discoloured _cutis vera_ assumed the +shape of a woman. The new man firmly withstands all inducements to +irregularity until his first temptation appears in the form of the +Cyder-cellars--the convivial Rubicon which it is absolutely necessary for +him to pass before he can enrol himself as a member of the quiet, +hard-working, modest fraternity of the Medical Student of our London +Hospitals. + +_Facilis descensus Averni._--The steps that lead from Maiden-lane to the +Cyder-cellars are easy of descent, although the return is sometimes +attended with slight difficulty. Not that we wish to compare our favourite +_souterrain_ in question to the "Avernus" of the Latin poet; oh, no! If +Æneas had met with roast potatoes and stout during his celebrated voyage +across the Styx to the infernal regions, and listened to songs and glees +in place of the multitude of condemned souls, "horrendum stridens," we +wager that he would have been in no very great hurry to return. But we +have arrived at an important point in our physiology--the first launch of +the new man into the ocean of his London life, and we pause upon its +shore. He has but definite ideas of three public establishments at all +intimately connected with his professional career--the Hall, the College, +and the Cyder-cellars. There are but three individuals to whom he looks +with feelings of deference--Mr. Sayer of Blackfriars, Mr. Belfour of +Lincoln's-inn-fields, and Mr. Rhodes of Maiden-lane. These are the +impersonation of the Fates--the arbitrators of his destinies. + +As it is customary that an attendance in the Theatre of Lectures should +precede the student's determination to "have a shy at the College," or "go +up to the Hall," so is it usual for a visit to one of the theatres to be +paid before going down to the Cyder-cellars. The new man has been beguiled +into the excursion by the exciting narratives of his companions, and +beginning to feel that he is behind the other "chaps" (a new man's term) +in knowledge of the world, he yields to the attraction held out; not +because he at first thinks it will give him pleasure so to do, as because +it will put him on a level with those who have been, on the same principle +as our rambling compatriots go to Switzerland and the Rhine. His Mentor is +ready in the shape of a third-season man, and under his protecting +influence he sallies forth. + +The theatres have concluded; every carriage, cab, and "coach 'nhired" in +their vicinity is in motion; venders of trotters and ham-sandwiches are in +full cry; the bars of the proximate retail establishments are crowded with +thirsty gods; ruddy chops and steaks are temptingly displayed in the +windows of the supper-houses, and the turnips and carrots in the +freshly-arrived market-carts appear astonished at the sudden confusion by +which they are surrounded. Amidst this confusion the new man and his +friends arrive beneath the beacon which illumines the entrance of the +tavern. He descends the stairs in an agony of anticipation, and feverishly +trips up the six or eight succeeding ones to arrive at the large room. A +song has just concluded, and he enters triumphantly amidst the thunder of +applause, the jingling of glasses, the imperious vociferations of fresh +orders, and an atmosphere of smoke that pervades the whole apartment, like +dense clouds of incense burning at the altar of the genius of +conviviality. + +The new man is at first so bewildered, that it would take but little extra +excitement to render him perfectly unconscious as to the probability of +his standing upon his _occipito-frontalis_ or _plantar fascia_. But as he +collects his ideas, he contrives to muster sufficient presence of mind to +order a Welsh rabbit, and in the interim of its arrival earnestly +contemplates the scene around him. There is the room which, in after life, +so vividly recurs to him, with its bygone _souvenirs_ of mirth, when he is +sitting up all night at a bad case in the mud cottage of a pauper union. +There are its blue walls, its wainscot and its pillars, its lamps and +ground-glass shades, within which the gas jumps and flares so fitfully; +its two looking-glasses, that reflect the room and its occupants from one +to the other in an interminable vista. There also is Mr. Rhodes, bending +courteously over the backs of the visiters' chairs, and hoping everybody +has got everything to their satisfaction, or bestowing an occasional +subdued acknowledgment upon an _habitué_ who chances to enter; and the +professional gentlemen all laying their heads together at the top of the +table to pitch the key of the next glee; and the waiters bustling up and +down with all sorts of tempting comestibles; and the gentleman in the +Chesterfield wrapper smoking a cigar at the side of the room, while he +leans back and contemplates the ceiling, as if his whole soul was +concentrated in its smoke-discoloured mouldings. + +The new man is in ecstasies; he beholds the realization of the Arabian +Nights, and when the harmony commences again, he is fairly entranced. At +first, he is fearful of adding the efforts of his laryngeal "little +muscles with the long names" to swell the chorus; but, after the second +glass of stout and a "go of whiskey," he becomes emboldened, and when the +gentleman with the bass voice sings about the Monks of Old, what a jovial +race they were, our friend trolls out how "they laughed, ha, ha!" so +lustily, that he gets quite red in the face from obstructed jugulars, and +applauds, when it has concluded, until everything upon the table performs +a curious ballet-dance, which is only terminated by the descent of the +cruets upon the floor. + +The precise hour at which the new man arrives at home, after this eventful +evening, has never been correctly ascertained; having a latch-key, he is +the only person that could give any authentic information upon this point; +but, unfortunately, he never knows himself. Some few things, however, are +universally allowed, namely, that in extreme cases he is found asleep on +the rug at the foot of the stairs next morning, with the rushlight that +was left in the passage burnt quite away, and all the solder of the +candlestick melted into little globules. More frequently he knocks up the +people of the neighbouring house, under the impression that it is his own, +but that a new keyhole has been fitted to the door in his absence; and, in +the mildest forms of the disease, he drinks up all the water in his +bed-room during the night, and has a propensity for retiring to rest in +his pea-coat and Bluchers, from the obstinate tenacity of his buttons and +straps. The first lecture the next morning fails to attract him; he eats +no breakfast, and when he enters the dissecting-room about one o'clock, +his fellow-students administer to him a pint of ale, warmed by the simple +process of stirring it with a hot poker, with some Cayenne pepper thrown +into it, which he is assured will set to rights the irritable mucous +lining of his stomach. The effect of this remedy is, to send him into a +sound sleep during the whole of the two o'clock anatomical lecture; and +awakened at its close by the applause of the students, he thinks he is +still at the Cyder-cellars, and cries out "Encore!" + + * * * * * + + +RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PREVENTION OF RAILWAY ACCIDENTS. + +Having been particularly struck by the infernal smashes that have recently +taken place on several railroad lines, and having been ourselves forcibly +impressed by a tender, which it must be allowed was rather hard (coming in +collision with ourselves), we have thought over the subject, and have now +the following suggestions to offer:-- + +Behind each engine let there be second and third class carriages, so that, +in the event of a smash, second and third class lives only would be +sacrificed. + +Let there be a van full of stokers before the first class carriages; for, +as the directors appear to be liberal of the stokers' lives, it is +presumed that every railway company has such a glut of them that they can +be spared easily. + +As some of the carriages are said to oscillate, from being too heavy at +the top, let a few copies of "Martinuzzi" be placed as ballast at the +bottom. + +In order that the softest possible lining may be given to the carriages, +let the interior be covered with copies of Sibthorp's speeches as densely +as possible. + +We have not yet been able to find a remedy for the remarkable practice +which prevails in some railways of sending a passenger, like a bank-note, +_cut in half_, for better security. + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID.--NO. 2. + + +PROP. I.--PROBLEM. + + _To describe an Independent Member upon a given indefinite line of + politics._ + +[Illustration: L]Let C R, or Conservative Reform, be the given indefinite +line--it is required to describe on C R an independent member. + +[Illustration] + +With the centre Reform, and at the distance of Conservatism, describe G B +and M--or Graham, Brougham, and Melbourne--the extremes of the Whig +Administration of 1834. + +With the centre Conservatism, and at the distance of Reform, describe G B +and P--or Graham, Buckingham, and Peel--the extremes of the Tory +Administration of 1841. + +From the point Graham, where the administrations cut one another, draw the +lines Graham and Reform, and Graham and Conservatism. + +Then Graham and Conservative Reform is an independent member. + +For because Reform was the centre of the Whig Administration, Graham, +Brougham, and Melbourne + +Therefore Graham and Reform was the same as Reform with a shade +Conservatism. + +And because Conservatism is the centre of the Tory Administration, Graham, +Buckingham, and Peel + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Conservatism with a shade +Reform + +Therefore Graham and Conservatism is the same as Graham and Reform + +Therefore Graham is either a Conservative or a Reformer, as the case may +require. + +And therefore he is a Conservative Reformer-- + +Wherefore, having three sides, which are all the same to him--viz. Reform, +Conservatism, and himself--he is an independent member, and has been +described as a Conservative Reformer. + +_Quod erat_ double-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. II.--PROBLEM. + + _From a given point to draw out a Radical Member to a given length._ + +Let A or his ancestors be the given point, and an A s s the given length; +it is required to draw out upon the point of his ancestors a Radical +member equal to an A s s. + +[Illustration] + +Connect the A s s with A, his ancestors. + +On the A s s and A his ancestors, describe an independent member S R I, +Sir Robert Inglis. + +Then with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, draw out the A s s to G L and S A, or +great literary and scientific attainments. + +And with S R I, Sir Robert Inglis, let R Roebuck, be got into a line upon +A, his ancestors. + +With the A s s in the middle, describe the circulation of T N, or "Times" +newspaper. + +And with SRI, Sir Robert Inglis, as the centre, describe the Circle of the +H of C, or House of Commons. + +Then R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, equals an A s s. + +For because the A s s was in the middle of T N, or "Times" newspaper. + +Therefore the rhodomontade of G L and S A, or great literary and +scientific attainments, was equal to the braying of an A s s. + +And because S R I, or Sir Robert Inglis, was in the centre of H C, or +House of Commons. + +Therefore S R I on G L and S A, or Sir Robert Inglis on the great literary +and scientific attainments, was only to be equalled by S R I and R, or Sir +Robert Inglis and Roebuck. + +But Sir R I is always equal to himself. + +Therefore the remainder, A R, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to the +remaining G L and S A, or great literary and scientific attainments. + +But G L and S A, or the great literary and scientific attainments, have +been shown to be equal to those of an A s s. + +And therefore R A, or Roebuck on his ancestors, is equal to an A s s. + +Wherefore, from a given point, A, his ancestors, has been drawn out a +Radical member, R, Roebuck, equal to an A s s. + +_Quod erat_ sheep-_face-iendum_. + + +PROP. III.--PROBLEM + + _From the greater opposition of two members to a given measure to + cut, off a part, so as it may agree with the less._ + +Let P C and W R, or Peel the Conservative and Wakley the Radical, +represent their different oppositions to the New Poor Law, to which that +of W R, or Wakley the Radical, is greater than that of Peel the +Conservative--it is required to cut off from W R, or Wakley the Radical's +opposition a part, so that it may agree with that of P C, or Peel the +Conservative. + +[Illustration] + +From W, or Wakley, draw W T, or Wakley the Trimmer, the same as P C, or +Peel the Conservative. + +With the centre W or Wakley, and to the extremity of T trimming, describe +the magic circle P L A C E. + +Cutting W R or Wakley the Radical in B P, his Breeches Pocket. + +Then W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with Peel the +Conservative. + +For because the circle P L A C E is described about W or Wakley + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, is of the same opinion +as W T or Wakley the Trimmer. + +But W T or Wakley the Trimmer, agrees with Peel the Conservative. + +Therefore W B P or Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, agrees with P C or Peel +the Conservative. + +Wherefore, from the greater opposition of W R, Wakley the Radical, to the +New Poor Law, is cut off, W B P, Wakley and his Breeches Pocket, which +exactly coincides with the minor opposition of P C or Peel the +Conservative. + +_Quod erat_ brazen-_face-iendum_. + + * * * * * + + +THE VALUE OF STOCKS--LAST QUOTATION. + +During a rural ramble, the ex-premier was diverted from the mental +Shakesperian sustenance derived from "chewing the cud of sweet and bitter +fancy," by an importunate appeal from a reckless disorderly, who was doing +penance for his anti-teetotal propensities, by performing a two hours' +quarantine in the village stocks. So far from sympathising with the +fast-bound sufferer, his lordship, in a tone of the deepest regret, +deplored, that he had himself not been so tightly secured in his place, +as, had that been the case, he would still have been provided with + +[Illustration: BOARD AND LODGING FOR A SINGLE MAN.] + + * * * * * + +THE LINEN-DRAPER OF LUDGATE. + + Shop fronts are daily "higher" raised. + Our master's "ire" as often; + Would they but raise _our_ "hire" a bit, + 'Twould much our mis'ries soften! + +THE SHOPMEN--POOR DEVILS + + * * * * * + + +SPANISH POLITICS. + +(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Pampeluna, Oct. 1._ + +"An event has just occurred which will doubtless change the dynasty of the +Spanish succession before I have finished my letter. At eleven o'clock +this morning, several officers were amusing themselves at picquet in a +coffee-house. One having played the king, another cried out, 'Ay, the +king! _Vivat_! Down with the Queen! Don Carlos for ever!' This caused a +frightful sensation, and the National Guards are now on their way to +blockade the house. + +"_One o'clock_, P.M.--The National Guards have joined the Carlists, and +the regulars are at this moment flying to arms. + +"_Two o'clock_.--The royal troops are defeated, and Don Carlos is now +being proclaimed King of Spain, &c." + + +(FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.) + +"_Madrid, Oct. 2._ + +"The nominal reign of Don Carlos, commenced at Pampeluna, has been but of +short duration. A diversion has taken place in favour of the husband of +the Queen Regent--Munos, who, having been a private soldier, is thought by +his rank and file camaradoes to have a prior claim to Don Carlos. They +have revolted to a man, and the Carlists tremble in their boots. + +"_Six o'clock_, A.M.--The young Queen has fled the capital--Munos is our +new King, and his throne will no doubt be consolidated by a vigorous +ministry. + +"_Seven o'clock_, A.M.--News has just arrived from Pampeluna that the +Carlists are so disgusted with the counter-revolution, that a +counter-counter-revolution having taken place amongst the shopkeepers, in +favour of the Queen Regent, the Carlists have joined it. After all, the +Queen Mother will doubtless permanently occupy the throne--at least for a +day or two. + +"_Eight o'clock_.--News has just arrived from Biscay of a new revolt, +extending through all the Basque provinces; and they are only waiting for +some eligible pretender to come forward to give to this happy country +another ruler. Advices from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a +rebellious spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly +anticipated during the next twelvemonth." + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. 4. + + And must we part?--well, let it be; + 'Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me; + For though I still was true to thee, + Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me. + Take back this written pledge of love, + No more I'll to my bosom fold it; + The ring you gave, your faith to prove, + I can't return--because I've sold it! + + I will not ask thee to restore + Each _gage d'armour_, or lover's token, + Which I had given thee before + The links between us had been broken. + They were not much, but oh! that brooch, + If for my sake thou'st deign'd to save it, + For that, at least, I must encroach,-- + It wasn't mine, although I gave it. + + The gem that in my breast I wore, + That once belonged unto your mother + Which, when you gave to me, I swore + For life I'd love you, and no other. + Can you forget that cheerful morn, + When in my breast thou first didst stick it?-- + I can't restore it--it's in pawn; + But, base deceiver--that's the ticket. + + Oh, take back all, I cannot bear + These proofs of love--they seem to mock it; + There, false one, take your lock of hair-- + Nay, do not ask me for the locket. + Insidious girl! that wily tear + Is useless now, that all is ended: + There is thy curl--nay, do not sneer, + The locket's--somewhere--being mended. + + The dressing-case you lately gave + Was fit, I know, for Bagdad's caliph; + I used it only once to shave, + When it was taken by the bailiff. + Than thou didst give I bring back less; + But hear the truth, without more dodging-- + The landlord's been with a distress, + And positively cleared my lodging. + + * * * * * + + +CONS. BY O CONNELL. + +What English word expresses the Latin for cold?--"Jelly"-does (_Gelidus_). + +Why is a blackleg called a sharper?--Because he's less blunt than other +men. + +Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?--Because it keeps one _dry_ all +day. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +OLD MAIDS. + +_Sir Philip Brilliant_ is a gentleman of exquisite breeding--a man of +fashion, with a taste for finery, and somewhat of a fop. He reveals his +pretty figure to us, arrayed in all the glories of white and pink satins, +embellished with flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His +servant is performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of +the dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws are +unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find one--nine +valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the money; and _Robert_ +instantly pays a tribute to the title of the play by discovering a +_wrinkle_--equally an emblem of an "Old Maid" and an ill-fitting vest. +This incident shows us that _Sir Philip_ is an amateur in dress; but his +predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to scold his +goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The next scene takes +us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon Ludgate-hill. We are +inside the shop of the goldsmith, _Master Blount_, most likely the founder +of the firm now conducted by Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons, +who, being brought up to the same trade, and always living together, are, +of course, eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the +shop; the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of +all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and elegance. +The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the subject of their sons, +which happily, (for family quarrels seldom amuse third parties) is put an +end to by a second "shine," brought about by the entrance of _Sir Philip +Brilliant_, to make the threatened complaint about bad workmanship. The +younger and fiery _Thomas Blount_ resents some of _Sir P.B._'s expressions +to his father; this is followed by the usual _badinage_ about swords and +their use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a +duel, and are not disappointed. + +Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman is wounded, +and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his sworn friend for ever. + +The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great revolution has +taken place in the private concerns of the family Blount. _Thomas_, the +younger, has become a colonel in the army; John, having got possession of +the shop, has sold the stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.; +doubtless, to the late _Mr. Rundell's_ great-grandfather; and has set up +for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society he is +indebted to _Robert_, whom he has mistaken for a Baronet, and who presents +him to several of his fellow-knights of the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for +the occasion, lords and ladies, exactly as it happens in the farce of +"High Life Below Stairs." + +But where are the "Old Maids" all this time? Where, indeed! _Lady Blanche_ +and _Lady Anne_ are young and beautiful--exquisitely lovely; for they are +played by Madame Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that +directly they appear, the spectator assures himself that they are _not_ +the "Old Maids." To be sure they seem to have taken a sort of vow of +celibacy; but their fascinating looks--their beauty--their enchanting +manners, offer a challenge to the whole bachelor world, that would make +the keeping of such a vow a crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble +long on that account. _Lady Blanche_, has, we are informed, taken to +disguising herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the +character of a yeoman's daughter, she entered _Blount's_ shop, and fell in +love with _Thomas_: at this exact part of the narrative _Colonel Blount_ +is announced, attended by his sworn friend, _Sir Philip Brilliant_. A sort +of partial recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a +dreadful state of suspense till the commencement of another act. + +_Sir Philip_, who has formerly loved _Lady Blanche_ without success, now +tries his fortune with _Lady Anne_; and at this point, dramatic invention +ends; for, excepting the mock-marriage of _John Blount_ with a +lady's-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the vicissitudes the two +pair of lovers go through--all of their own contrivance, on purpose to +make themselves as wretched as possible--till the grand clearing up, which +always takes place in every last scene, from the "Adelphi" of Terence (or +Yates), down to the "Old Maids" of Mr. Sheridan Knowles. + + * * * * * + +COCORICO, OR MY AUNT'S BANTAM. + +Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on their own +account, and depend almost entirely upon the "French," managers have added +a new member to their establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ +a Paris correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be +brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which they +(the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the English market, +they are seldom _neat_ as imported. + +The gentleman who "does" the Parisian correspondence for the Adelphi +Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing the above title; the +fable, of which, like some of Æsop's, principally concerns a hen, that, +however, does not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does--an innocent +little fair who has charge of the fowl--a sort of _Justice Woodcock_, and +a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform of a drum or bugle-major, +calls himself a serjeant. To these may be added, Mr. Yates in his own +private character, and a few sibilants in the pit, who completed the +poultry-nature of the piece by playing the part of geese. + +The plot would have been without interest, but for the accidental +introduction of the last two characters,--or the geese and the +cock-of-the-walk. The pittites, affronted at the extreme puerility of some +of the incidents, and the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This +raffled the feathers of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or +rather at, the wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence +the geese. Mr. Yates spoke--we need not say how or what. Everybody knows +how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his hat, and +smiles, and frowns, and "appeals" and "declares upon his honour" while +agitating the buttons on the left side of his coat, and "entreats" and +"throws himself upon the candour of a British public," and puts the stamp +upon all he has said by an impressive thump of the foot, a final flourish +of the arms, and a triumphal exit to poean-sounding "bravoes!" and to the +utter confusion of all dis--or to be more correct, hiss--sentients. + +In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and _Cocorico_ deserved its +fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the chief character with +much tact and cleverness, singing the vaudevilles charmingly--a most +difficult task, we should say, on account of the adapter, in putting +English words to French music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large +majority of them. Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree +of character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the vampire-trap +of too many young performers--stage conventionalism, and that she copies +from Nature. It is unfortunate for both these clever actresses that they +have been thrust into a piece, which not even their talents could save +from partial ----, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown very +strict. The piece wants _cur_-tailment; which, if previously applied, will +increase the interest, and make it, perhaps, an endurable dramatic + +[Illustration: FRENCH "TAIL"--WITH CUTS.] + + * * * * * + + +PROMENADE CONCERTS. + +The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for his +office--he is several degrees less personable than M. Jullien--he does not +even wear moustaches! and to suppose that a man can beat time properly +without them is ridiculous. He looks a great deal more like a modest, +respectable grocer, than a man of genius; for he neither turns up his eyes +nor his cuffs, and has the indecency to appear without white gloves! His +manners, too, are an insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning +school of music; he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least +grace or _éclat_. He does not spread out both arms like a goose that wants +to fly, while hushing down a _diminuendo_; nor gesticulate like a madman +during the fortes; in short, he only gives out the time in passages where +the players threaten unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those +amateurs who pay their money only for the pleasure of seeing the _bâton_ +flourished about, are defrauded of half their amusement. M. Musard takes +them in--for it must be evident, even to them, that what we have said is +true, and that he possesses scarcely a qualification for the office he +holds--if we make one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)--for he +is nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single +accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself upon the +Cockney _dilettanti_ after M. Jullien, who possessed every other requisite +for a conductor _but_ a knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a +paltry acquirement, and purely mechanical. + +On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles and waltzes +was administered, with an admixture from the dull scores of Beethoven. +Disgusted as we were at the humbug of performing the works of this master +without blue-fire, and an artificial storm in the flies, yet--may we +confess it?--we were nearly as much charmed by the "Andante" from his +Symphonia in A, as if the lights had been put out to give it effect. We +blush for our taste, but thank our _stars_ (Jullien included) that we have +the courage to own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened +Concert d'Eté patronising public. In sober truth, we were ravished! The +pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the _ensemble_ of them +was so complete, the wind instruments were blown so exactly in tune, so +evenly in tone, that the whole passion of that touching andante seemed to +be felt by the entire band, which _went_ as one instrument. The +subject--breaking in as it does, when least expected, and worked about +through nearly every part of the score, so as to produce the most +delicious effects--was played with equal delicacy and feeling by every +performer who had to take it up; while the under-current of accompaniment +was made to blend with it with a masterly command and unanimity of tone, +that we cannot remember to have heard equalled. + +Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of the +audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but coldly. This, +however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, and brass-blurting +of the overture to "Zampa" was noised forth: this was encored with +ecstacies, and so were some of the quadrilles. Happy musical taste! +Beethoven's septour, arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration +unworthy of Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned +to arrange the sailor's hornpipe, as + +[Illustration: A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).] + + * * * * * + + +THE WAR WITH CHINA. + +The celebrated pranks of the "Bull in the China Shop" are likely to be +repeated on a grand scale--the part of the Bull being undertaken, on this +occasion, by the illustrious John who is at the head of the family. + +The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a _chop_, +surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was dished up with a good +deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately forwarded to Elliot. The custom of +sending chops to an enemy is founded on the idea, that the fact of there +being a bone to pick cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than "by +wrapping it up," as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible. + +Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have attacked our +forces with _junk_, from which it has been supposed that our brave tars +have been pitched into with large pieces of salt beef, while the English +commanders have been pelted with _chops_; but this is an error. The thing +called _junk_ is not the article of that name used in the Royal Navy, but +a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that sort of +material, something between wood and paper, of which we in this country +manufacture hat-boxes. + +The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him are afraid +to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been most unmercifully +wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief that they have achieved a +victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who happened to suggest the necessity +for a stronger force, was instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who +can now and then do things by halves, though such is not his ordinary +custom. + +We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will supply us +with the earliest intelligence. + + * * * * * + + +TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS. + +CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS. + +The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly solicited in +behalf of + +JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, author of the +"New Whig Guide," &c., &c., who, from having been considered one of the +first wits of his day, is now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic +indigence. It is earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in +vain, and that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be +restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means he may +be able to continue his contributions to the "Quarterly Review," which +have been recently refused from their utter dulness. + +Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; by the Hon. +and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the House of Commons; +and the Garrick's Head. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED. + +Samuel Rogers, Esq.--Ten puns, and a copy of "Italy." + +Tom Cooke, Esq.--One joke (musical), consisting of "God save the Queen," +arranged for the penny trumpet. + +T. Hood, Esq.--Twenty-three epigrams. + +Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.--A laughable Corn-law pamphlet. + +John Poole, Esq.--A new farce, with liberty to extract all the jokes from +the same, amounting to two _jeux d'esprit_ and a pun. + +Proprietors of PUNCH.--The "copy" for No. 15 of the LONDON +CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and therefore as many +jests. + +Col. Sibthorp.--A conundrum. + +Daniel O'Connell.--An Irish _tail_. + +Messrs. Grissel and Peto.--A _strike_-ing masonic interlude, called "The +Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the Rusty Trowel." + +Commissioner Lin.--A special edict. + +Lord John Russell.--"A new Guide to Matrimony," and a facetious essay, +called "How to leave one's Lodgings." + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE'S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPOEIA. + +Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose physiology is +recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer Copoeia resides, and +whether he is for or against the Corn Laws? + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 16, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14932-8.txt or 14932-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14932/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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