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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 21, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 21, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14924]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 21, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WIFE-CATCHERS.
+
+A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS.
+
+_In Four Chapters._
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+
+[Illustration: T]The conversation now subsided into "private and
+confidential" whispers, from which I could learn that Miss O'Brannigan had
+consented to quit her father's halls with Terence that very night, and,
+before the priest, to become his true and lawful wife.
+
+It had been previously understood that those of the guests who lived at a
+distance from the lodge should sleep there that night. Nothing could have
+been more favourable for the designs of the lovers; and it was arranged
+between them, that Miss Biddy was to steal from her chamber into the yard,
+at daybreak, and apprise her lover of her presence by flinging a handful of
+gravel against his window. Terence's horse was warranted to carry double,
+and the lady had taken the precaution to secure the key of the stable where
+he was placed.
+
+It was long after midnight before the company began to separate;--cloaks,
+shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug of punch of extra strength was
+compounded, and a _doch an dhurris_[1] of the steaming beverage
+administered to every individual before they were permitted to depart. At
+length the house was cleared of its guests, with the exception of those who
+were to remain and take beds there. Amongst the number were the haberdasher
+and your uncle. The latter was shown into a chamber in which a pleasant
+turf fire was burning on the hearth.
+
+    [1] A drink at the door;--a farewell cup.
+
+Although Terence's mind was full of sweet anticipations and visions of
+future grandeur, he could not avoid feeling a disagreeable sensation
+arising from the soaked state of his boots; and calculating that it still
+wanted three or four hours of daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and
+comfortable for his morning's adventure. With this intention he drew us
+off, and placed us on the hearth before the fire, and threw himself on the
+bed--not to sleep--he would sooner have committed suicide--but to meditate
+upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her thousand pounds.
+
+But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by circumstances--the ducking,
+the dancing, and the _potteen_, had so exhausted Terence, that he
+unconsciously shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell
+fast asleep, and dreamed of running away with the heiress on his back,
+through a shaking bog, in which he sank up to the middle at every step. His
+vision was, however, suddenly dispelled by a smart rattle against his
+window. A moment was sufficient to recall him to his senses--he knew it was
+Miss Biddy's signal, and, jumping from the bed, drew back the cotton
+window-curtains and peered earnestly out: but though the day had begun to
+break, it was still too dark to enable him to distinguish any person on the
+lawn. In a violent hurry he seized on your humble servant, and endeavoured
+to draw me on; but, alas! the heat of the fire had so shrank me from my
+natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to introduce his
+leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage to the further corner
+of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot into my companion, which had
+been reduced to the same shrunken state as myself. In vain he tugged,
+swore, and strained; first with one, and then with another, until the
+stitches in our sides grinned with perfect torture; the perspiration rolled
+down his forehead--his eyes were staring, his teeth set, and every nerve in
+his body was quivering with his exertions--but still he could not force us
+on.
+
+"What's to be done!" he ejaculated in despairing accents. A bright thought
+struck him suddenly, that he might find a pair of boots belonging to some
+of the other visitors, with which he might make free on so pressing an
+emergency. It was but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake,
+on the following day. With this idea he sallied from his room, and groped
+his way down stairs to find the scullery, where he knew the boots were
+deposited by the servant at night. This scullery was detached from the main
+building, and to reach it it was necessary to cross an angle of the yard.
+Terence cautiously undid the bolts and fastenings of the back door, and was
+stealthily picking his steps over the rough stones of the yard, when he was
+startled by a fierce roar behind him, and at the same moment the teeth of
+Towser, the great watch-dog, were fastened in his nether garments. Though
+very much alarmed, he concealed his feelings, and presuming on a slight
+previous intimacy with his assailant, he addressed him in a most familiar
+manner, calling him "poor fellow" and "old Towser," explained to him the
+ungentlemanly liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested him
+to let go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was,
+however, not to be talked out of his private notions; he foully suspected
+your uncle of being on no good design, and replied to every remonstrance he
+made with a growl and a shake, that left no doubt he would resort to more
+vigorous measures in case of opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for
+help, Terence was kept in this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death
+with cold and trembling with terror, until the morning was considerably
+advanced, when he was discovered by some of the servants, who released him
+from the guardianship of his surly captor. Without waiting to account for
+the extraordinary circumstances in which he had been found, he bolted into
+the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, and, locking the door, threw
+himself into a chair, overwhelmed with shame and vexation.
+
+But poor Terence's troubles were not half over. The beautiful heiress,
+after having discharged several volleys of sand and small pebbles against
+his window without effect, was returning to her chamber, swelling with
+indignation, when she was encountered on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no
+doubt prompted by the demon of jealousy, had been watching her movements.
+He could not have chosen a more favourable moment to plead his suit; her
+mortified vanity, and her anger at what she deemed the culpable
+indifference of her lover, made her eager to be revenged on him. It
+required, therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with
+the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in less than
+ten minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking the shortest road
+to the priest's.
+
+I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as soon as he
+learned the trick he had been served; he vowed to be the death of Tibbins,
+and it is probable he would have carried his threat into effect, if the
+haberdasher had not prudently kept out of his way until his anger had grown
+cool.
+
+"So," said I, addressing the narrator, "you lost the opportunity of
+figuring at Miss Biddy's wedding?"
+
+"Yes," replied the 'wife-catcher;' "but Terence soon retrieved his credit,
+for in less than three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we
+were legging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune
+and a prettier girl than the one he had lost: and, by-the-bye, that reminds
+me of a funny scene which took place when the bride came to throw the
+stocking--hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!"
+
+Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of laughter;
+while I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked gravely on, wondering
+when it would subside. Instead, however, of their laughter lessening, the
+cachinnations became so violent that I began to feel seriously alarmed.
+
+"My dear friends!" said I.
+
+"Hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!" shouted the pair.
+
+"This excessive mirth may be dangerous"--
+
+A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rolled from side to
+side on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put out my hand to support
+them, when a sense of acute pain made me suddenly withdraw it. I started,
+opened my eyes, and discovered that I had laid hold of the burning remains
+of the renowned "wife-catchers," which I had in my sleep placed upon the
+fire.
+
+As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient allies of our
+house, I resolved to record this strange adventure; but you know I never
+had much taste for writing, Jack, so I now confide the task to you. As he
+concluded, my uncle raised his tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a
+tear sparkling in his eye--a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the
+venerated "_Wife Catchers_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+  Wrote Paget to Pollen,
+    With face bright as brass,
+  "T'other day in the Town Hall
+    You mention'd an ass:
+
+  "Now, for family reasons,
+    I'd like much to know,
+  If on me you intended
+    That name to bestow?"
+
+  "My lord," says Jack Pollen,
+    "Believe me, ('tis true,)
+  I'd be sorry to slander
+    A donkey or you."
+
+  "Being grateful," says Paget,
+    "I'd ask you to lunch;
+  But just, Sir John, tell me.
+    Did you call me PUNCH?"
+
+  "In wit, PUNCH is equalled,"
+    Says Pollen, "by few;
+  In naming him, therefore,
+    I couldn't mean you,"
+
+  "Thanks! thanks! To bear malice,"
+    Save Paget, "I'm loath;
+  Two answers I've got, and I'm
+    Charm'd with them both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS.
+
+1.--THE CAUSE.
+
+  Lisette has lost her wanton wiles--
+    What secret care consumes her youth,
+  And circumscribes her smiles?--
+    _A spec on a front tooth!_
+
+
+2.--PRIDE.
+
+  Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and lords,
+    To steal a share of notoriety,
+  Will tell you, in important words,
+    He _mixes_ in the best society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN PRODUCE.
+
+We find, by the _Times_ of Saturday, the British _teasel_ crops in the
+parish of Melksham have fallen entirely to the ground, and from their
+appearance denote a complete failure. Another paragraph in the same paper
+speaks quite as discouragingly of the appearance of the American _Teazle_
+at the Haymarket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.--No. 2.
+
+THE ROYAL RHYTHMICAL ALPHABET,
+
+_To be said or sung by the Infant Princess._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A stands for ARISTOCRACY, a thing I should admire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+B stands for a BISHOP, who is clothed in soft attire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+C beginneth CABINET, where Mamma keeps her _tools_;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+D doth stand for DOWNING-STREET, the "Paradise of Fools;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+E beginneth ENGLAND, that granteth the supplies;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+F doth stand for FOREIGNERS, whom I should patronize;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+G doth stand for GOLD--good gold!--for which man freedom barters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+H beginneth HONORS--that is, ribbons, stars, and garters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I stands for my INCOME (several thousand pounds per ann.);
+
+[Illustration]
+
+J stands for JOHNNY BULL, a soft and easy kind of man;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+K beginneth KING, who rules the land by "right divine;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+L's for MRS. LILLY, who was once a nurse of mine.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M beginneth MELBOURNE, who rules _the roast_ and State;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+N stands for a NOBLEMAN, who's _always_ good and great.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O is for the OPERA, that I should only grace;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+P stands for the PENSION LIST, for "servants out of place."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Q's the QUARTER'S SALARY, for which true patriots long;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+R's for MRS. RATSEY, who taught _me_ this pretty song;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+S stands for the SPEECH, which Mummy learns to say;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+T doth stand for TAXES, which the people ought to pay;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+U's for the UNION WORK-HOUSE, which horrid paupers shun;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+V is for VICTORIA, "the Bess of forty-one;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+W stands for WAR, the "noble game" which Monarchs play;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+X is for the TREBLE X--Lilly drank three times a day;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And Y Z's for the WISE HEADS, who admire all I say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+A COMPLETE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF ALL THE REQUISITES, DECORATIVE, EDUCATIONAL, AND
+RECREATIVE, FOR GENTILITY.
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+A popular encyclopaedia of the requisites for gentility--a companion to the
+toilet, the _salons_, the Queen's Bench, the streets, and the
+police-stations, has long been felt to be a desideratum by every one
+aspiring to good-breeding. The few works which treat on the subject have
+all become as obselete as "hot cockles" and "crambo." "The geste of King
+Horne," the "[Greek: BASILIKON]" of King Jamie, "Peacham's Complete
+Gentleman," "The Poesye of princelye Practice," "Dame Juliana Berners' Book
+of St. Alban's," and "The Jewel for Gentrie," are now confined to
+bibliopoles and bookstalls. Even more modern productions have shared the
+same fate. "The Whole Duty of Man" has long been consigned to the
+trunk-maker, "Chesterfield's Letters" are now dead letters, and the "Young
+Man" lights his cigar with his "Best Companion." It is true, that in lieu
+of these, several works have emanated from the press, adapted to the change
+of manners, and consequently admirably calculated to supply their places.
+We need only instance "The Flash Dictionary," "The Book of Etiquette," "A
+Guide to the Kens and Cribs of London," "The whole Art of Tying the
+Cravat," and "The Hand-book of Boxing;" but it remains for us to remove the
+disadvantages which attend the acquirement of each of these noble arts and
+sciences in a detached form.
+
+The possessor of an inquiring and genteel mind has now to wander for his
+politeness to Paternoster-row[2]; to Pierce Egan, for his knowledge of men
+and manners; and to Owen Swift, for his knightly accomplishments, and
+exercises of chivalry.
+
+    [2] "Book of Etiquette." Longman and Co.
+
+We undertake to collect and condense these scattered radii into one
+brilliant focus, so that a gentleman, by reading his "own book," may be
+made acquainted with the best means of ornamenting his own, or disfiguring
+a policeman's, person--how to conduct himself at the dinner-table, or at
+the bar of Bow-street--how to turn a compliment to a lady, or carry on a
+chaff with a cabman.
+
+These are high and noble objects! A wider field for social elevation cannot
+well be imagined. Our plan embraces the enlightenment and refinement of
+every scion of a noble house, and all the junior clerks in the government
+offices--from the happy recipient of an allowance of 50L per month from
+"the Governor," to the dashing acceptor of a salary of thirty shillings a
+week from a highly-respectable house in the City--from the gentleman who
+occupies a suite of apartments in the Clarendon, to the lodger in the
+three-pair back, in an excessively back street at Somers Town.
+
+With these incentives, we will proceed at once to our great and glorious
+task, confident that our exertions will be appreciated, and obtain for us
+an introduction into the best circles.
+
+PRELUDE.
+
+We trust that our polite readers will commence the perusal of our pages
+with a pleasure equal to that which we feel in sitting down to write them;
+for they call up welcome recollections of those days (we are literary and
+seedy now!) when our coats emanated from the laboratory of Stultz, our
+pantaloons from Buckmaster, and our boots from Hoby, whilst our glossy
+beaver--now, alas! supplanted by a rusty goss--was fabricated by no less a
+thatcher than the illustrious Moore. They will remind us of our Coryphean
+conquests at the Opera--our triumphs in Rotten row--our dinners at Long's
+and the Clarendon--our nights at Offley's and the watch-house--our glorious
+runs with the Beaufort hounds, and our exhilarating runs from the sheriffs'
+officers--our month's sporting on the heathery moors, and our day rule when
+rusticating in the Bench!
+
+We are in "the sear and yellow leaf"--there is nothing green about us now!
+We have put down our seasoned hunter, and have mounted the winged Pegasus.
+The brilliant Burgundy and sparkling Hock no longer mantle in our glass;
+but Barclay's beer--nectar of gods and coalheavers--mixed with
+hippocrene--the Muses' "cold without"--is at present our only beverage. The
+grouse are by us undisturbed in their bloomy mountain covert. We are now
+content to climb Parnassus and our garret stairs. The Albany, that
+sanctuary of erring bachelors, with its guardian beadle, are to us but
+memories, for we have become the denizens of a roomy attic (ring the top
+bell twice), and are only saluted by an Hebe of all-work and our printer's
+devil!
+
+ON DRESS IN GENERAL.--_L'habit fait le moine_.--It has been laid down by
+Brummel, Bulwer, and other great authorities, that "the tailor makes the
+man;" and he would be the most daring of sceptics who would endeavour to
+controvert this axiom. Your first duty, therefore, is to place yourself in
+the hands of some distinguished schneider, and from him take out your
+patent of gentility--for a man with an "elegant coat" to his back is like a
+bill at sight endorsed with a good name; whilst a seedy or ill-cut garment
+resembles a protested note of hand labelled "No effects." It will also be
+necessary for you to consult "The Monthly Book of Fashions," and to
+imitate, as closely as possible, those elegant and artistical productions
+of the gifted _burin_, which show to perfection "What a piece of work is
+man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!" &c.--You must not
+consult your own ease and taste (if you have any), for nothing is so vulgar
+as to suit your convenience in these matters, as you should remember that
+you dress to please others, and not yourself. We have heard of some
+eccentric individuals connected with noble families, who have departed from
+this rule; but they invariably paid the penalty of their rashness, being
+frequently mistaken for men of intellect; and it should not be forgotten,
+that any exercise of the mind is a species of labour utterly incompatible
+with the perfect man of fashion.
+
+The confiding characters of tailors being generally acknowledged, it is
+almost needless to state, that the _faintest_ indication of seediness will
+be fatal to your reputation; and as a presentation at the Insolvent Court
+is equally fashionable with that of St. James, any squeamishness respecting
+your inability to pay could only be looked upon as a want of moral courage
+upon your part, and
+
+[Illustration: UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF A GENTLEMAN.]
+
+[The subject of _dress in particular_ will form the subject of our next
+chapter.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IF I HAD A THOUSAND A-YEAR.
+
+A BACHELOR'S LYRIC.
+
+  If I had a thousand a-year,
+    (How my heart at the bright vision glows!)
+  I should never be crusty or queer,
+    But all would be _couleur de rose_.
+  I'd pay all my debts, though _outre_,
+    And of duns and embarrassments clear,
+  Life would pass like a bright summer day,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have such a spicy turn-out,
+    And a horse of such mettle and breed--
+  Whose points not a jockey should doubt,
+    When I put him at top of his speed.
+  On the foot-board, behind me to swing,
+    A tiger so small should appear,
+  All the nobs should protest "'twas the thing!"
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A villa I'd have near the Park,
+    From Town just an appetite-ride;
+  With fairy-like grounds, and a bark
+    O'er its miniature waters to glide.
+  There oft, 'neath the pale twilight star,
+    Or the moonlight unruffled and clear,
+  My meerschaum I'd smoke, or cigar,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have pictures and statues, with taste--
+    Such as ladies unblushing might view--
+  In my drawing and dining-rooms placed,
+    With many a gem of virtu.
+  My study should be an affair
+    The heart of a book-worm to cheer--
+  All compact, with its easy spring chair,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A cellar I'd have quite complete
+    With wines, so _recherche_, well stored;
+  And jovial guests often should meet
+    Round my social and well-garnish'd board.
+  But I would have a favourite few,
+    To my heart and my friendship _more_ dear;
+  And I'd marry--I mustn't tell who--
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  With comforts so many, what more
+    Could I ask of kind Fortune to grant?
+  Humph! a few olive branches--say four--
+    As pets for my old maiden aunt.
+  Then, with health, there'd be nought to append.
+    To perfect my happiness here;
+  For the _utile et duloc_ would blend.
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MY UNCLE BUCKET.
+
+The Buckets are a large family! I am one of them--my uncle Job Bucket is
+another. We, the Buckets, are atoms of creation; yet we, the Buckets, are
+living types of the immensity of the world's inhabitants. We illustrate
+their ups and downs--their fulness and their emptiness--their risings and
+their falling--and all the several goods and ills, the world's denizens in
+general, and Buckets in particular, are undoubted heirs to.
+
+It hath ever been the fate of the fulness of one Bucket to guarantee the
+emptiness of another; and (mark the moral!) the rising Bucket is the
+richly-stored one; its sinking brother's attributes, like Gratiano's wit,
+being "an infinite deal of nothing." Hence the adoption of our name for the
+wooden utensils that have so aptly fished up this fact from the deep well
+of truth.
+
+There be certain rods that attract the lightning. We are inclined to think
+there be certain Buckets that invite kicking, and our uncle Job was one of
+them. He was birched at school for everybody but himself, for he never
+deserved it! He was plucked at college--because some practical joker placed
+a utensil, bearing his name, outside the door of the examining master, and
+our uncle Job Bucket being unfortunately present, laughed at the consequent
+abrasion of his, the examining master's, shins. He was called to the bar.
+His first case was, "Jane Smith _versus_ James Smith" (no relations). His
+client was the female. She had been violently assaulted. He mistook the
+initial--pleaded warmly for the opposing Smith, and glowingly described the
+disgraceful conduct of the veriest virago a legal adviser ever had the pain
+of speaking of. The verdict was, as he thought, on his side. The lady
+favoured him with a living evidence of all the attributes he was pleased to
+invent for her benefit, and left him with a proof impression of her nails
+upon his face, carrying with her, by way of _souvenir_, an ample portion of
+the skin thereof. Had the condensed heels of all the horses whose
+subscription hairs were wrought into his wig, with one united effort
+presented him with a kick in his abdominals, he could not have been more
+completely "knocked out of time" than he was by the mistake of those cursed
+initials. "_What about Smith?_" sent him out of court! At length he
+
+  "Cursed the bar, and declined."
+
+He next turned his attention to building. Things went on swimmingly during
+the erection--so did the houses when built. The proprietorship of the
+ground was disputed--our uncle Job had paid the wrong person. The buildings
+were knocked down (by Mr. Robins), and the individual who had benefited by
+the suppositionary ownership of the acres let on the building lease "bought
+the lot," and sent uncle Job a peculiarly well-worded legal notice,
+intimating, "his respectable presence would, for the future, approximate to
+a nuisance and trespass, and he (Job) would be proceeded against as the
+statutes directed, if guilty of the same."
+
+It is impossible to follow him through all his various strivings to do
+well: he commenced a small-beer brewery, and the thunder turned it all into
+vinegar; he tried vinegar, and nothing on earth could make it sour; he
+opened a milk-walk, and the parish pump failed; he invented a waterproof
+composition--there was fourteen weeks of drought; he sold his patent for
+two-and-sixpence, and had the satisfaction of walking home for the next
+three months wet through, from his gossamer to his _ci-devant_ Wellingtons,
+now literally, from their hydraulic powers, "_pumps_."
+
+He lost everything but his heart! And uncle Bucket was all heart! a red
+cabbage couldn't exceed it in size, and, like that, it seemed naturally
+predestined to be everlastingly in a pickle! Still it was a heart! You were
+welcomed to his venison when he had it--his present saveloy was equally at
+your service. He must have been remarkably attached to facetious elderly
+poultry of the masculine gender, as his invariable salute to the tenants of
+his "heart's core" was, "How are you, my jolly old cock?" Coats became
+threadbare, and defunct trousers vanished; waistcoats were never replaced;
+gossamers floated down the tide of Time; boots, deprived of all hope of
+future renovation by the loss of their _soles_, mouldered in obscurity; but
+the clear voice and chuckling salute were changeless as the statutes of the
+Medes and Persians, the price and size of penny tarts, or the accumulating
+six-and-eightpences gracing a lawyer's bill.
+
+Poor uncle Job Bucket's fortune had driven "him down the rough tide of
+power," when first and last we met; all was blighted save the royal heart;
+and yet, with shame we own the truth, we blushed to meet him. Why? ay, why?
+We own the weakness!--the heart, the goodly heart, was almost cased in
+rags!
+
+"Puppy!"
+
+Right, reader, right; we were a puppy. Lash on, we richly deserve it! but,
+consider the fearful influence of worn-out cloth! Can a long series of
+unchanging kindness balance patched elbows? are not cracked boots receipts
+in full for hours of anxious love and care? does not the kindness of a life
+fade "like the baseless fabric of a vision" before the withering touch of
+poverty's stern stamp? Have you ever felt--
+
+"Eh? what? No--stuff! Yes, yes--go on, go on."
+
+We will!--we blushed for our uncle's coat! His heart, God bless it, never
+caused a blush on the cheek of man, woman, child, or even angel, to rise
+for that. We will confess. Let's see, we are sixty now (we don't look so
+much, but we are sixty). Well, be it so. We were handsome once--is this
+vanity at sixty? if so, our grey hairs are a hatchment for the past. We
+were "swells once!--hurrah!--we were!" Stop, this is indecent--let us be
+calm--our action was like the proceeding of the denuder of well-sustained
+and thriving pigs, he who deprives them of their extreme obesive
+selvage--_vulgo_, "_we cut it fat_." Bond-street was cherished by our
+smile, and Ranelagh was rendered happy by the exhibition of our symmetry.
+Behold us hessianed in our haunts, touching the tips of well-gloved fingers
+to our passing friends; then fancy the opening and shutting of our back,
+just as Lord Adolphus Nutmeg claimed the affinity of "kid to kid," to find
+our other hand close prisoner made by our uncle Bucket.
+
+"How are you, old cock?"
+
+"Who's that, eh?"
+
+"A lunatic, my lord (what lies men tell!), and dangerous!"
+
+"Good day! [_Exit my lord_]. This way." We followed our uncle--the end of a
+blind alley gave us a resting-place.
+
+"Bravo!" exclaimed our uncle Bucket, "this is rare! I live here--dine with
+me!"
+
+A mob surrounded us--we acquiesced, in hopes to reach a place of shelter.
+
+"All right!" exclaimed he of the maternal side, "stand three-halfpence for
+your feed."
+
+We shelled the necessary out--he dived into a baker's shop--the mob
+increased--he hailed us from the door.
+
+"Thank God, this is your house, then."
+
+"Only my kitchen. Lend a hand!"
+
+A dish of steaming baked potatoes, surmounted by a fractional rib of
+consumptive beef, was deposited between the lemon-coloured receptacles of
+our thumbs and fingers--an outcry was raised at the court's end--we were
+almost mad.
+
+"Turn to the right--three-pair back--cut away while it's warm, and make
+yourself at home! I'll come with the beer!"
+
+We wished our _I_ had been in that bier! We rushed out--the gravy basted
+our _pants_, and greased our hessians! Lord Adolphus Nutmeg appeared at the
+entrance of the court. As we proceeded to our announced
+destination,--"Great God!" exclaimed his lordship, "the Bedlamite has
+bitten him!" A peal of laughter rang in our ears--we rushed into the wrong
+room, and our uncle Job Bucket picked us, the shattered dish, the reeking
+potatoes, and dislodged beef, from the inmost recesses of a wicker-cradle,
+where, spite the thumps and entreaties of a distracted parent, we were all
+engaged in overlaying a couple of remarkably promising twins! We can say no
+more on this frightful subject. But--
+
+  "Once again we met!"
+
+Our pride wanted cutting, and fate appeared determined to perform the
+operation with a jagged saw!
+
+Tom Racket died! His disease was infectious, and we had been the last
+person to call upon him, consequently we were mournful. Thick-coming
+fancies brooded in our brain--all things conspired against us; the day was
+damp and wretched--the church-bells emulated each other in announcing the
+mortalities of earth's bipeds--each _toll'd_ its tale of death. We thought
+upon our "absent friend." A funeral approached. We were still more gloomy.
+Could it be his? if so, what were his thoughts? Could ghosts but speak,
+what would he say? The coffin was coeval with us--sheets were rubicund
+compared to our cheeks. A low deep voice sounded from its very bowels--the
+words were addressed to us--they were, "Take no notice; it's the first
+time; it will soon be over!"
+
+"Will it?" we groaned.
+
+"Yes. I'm glad you know me. I'll tell you more when I come back."
+
+"Gracious powers! do you expect to return?"
+
+"Certainly! We'll have a screw together yet! There's room for us both in my
+place. I'll make you comfortable."
+
+The cold perspiration streamed from us. Was there ever anything so awful!
+Here was an unhappy subject threatening to call and see us at night, and
+then screw us down and make us comfortable.
+
+"Will you come?" exclaimed the dead again.
+
+"Never!" we vociferated with fearful energy.
+
+"Then let it alone; I didn't think you'd have cut me now; but wait till I
+show you my face."
+
+Horror of horrors!--the pall moved--a long white face peered from it. We
+gasped for breath, and only felt new life when we recognised our uncle Job
+Bucket, as the author of the conversation, and one of the bearers of the
+coffin! He had turned mute!--but that was a failure--no one ever died in
+his parish after his adopting that profession!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+He has been seen once since in the backwoods of America. His fate seemed
+still to follow him, and his good temper appeared immortal--his situation
+was more peculiar than pleasant. He was seated on a log, three hundred
+miles from any civilised habitation, smiling blandly at a broken axe (his
+only one), the half of which was tightly grasped in his right hand,
+pointing to the truant iron in the trunk of a huge tree, the first of a
+thriving forest of fifty acres he purposed felling; and, thus occupied, a
+solitary traveller passed our uncle Job Bucket, serene as the melting
+sunshine, and thoughtless as the wild insect that sported round the owner
+"of the lightest of light hearts."--PEACE BE WITH HIM.   FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.
+
+A gentleman of the name of Stuckey has discovered a new filtering process,
+by which "a stream from a most impure source may be rendered perfectly
+translucent and fit for all purposes." In the name of our rights and
+liberties! in the name of Judy and our country! we call upon the proper
+authorities to have this invaluable apparatus erected in the lobby of the
+House of Commons, and so, by compelling every member to submit to the
+operation of filtration, cleanse the house from its present accumulation of
+corruption, though we defy Stuckey himself to give it _brightness_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A THING UNFIT TO A(P)PEAR.
+
+  New honours heaped on _roue_ Segrave's name!
+  A cuckold's horn is then the trump of fame.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+EXTERNAL EXHIBITIONS.
+
+
+Under this head it is our intention, from time to time, to revert to
+numberless free exhibitions, which, in this advancement-of-education age,
+have been magnanimously founded with a desire to inculcate a knowledge of,
+and disseminate, by these liberal means, an increased taste for the arts in
+this vast metropolis. We commence not with any feelings of favouritism, nor
+in any order of ability, our pleasures being too numerously divided to be
+able to settle as to which ought to be No. 1, but because it is necessary
+to commence--consequently we would wish to settle down in company with the
+amiable reader in front of a tobacconist's shop in the Regent Circus,
+Piccadilly; and as the principal attractions glare upon the astonishment of
+the spectators from the south window, it is there in imagination that we
+are irresistibly fixed. Before we dilate upon the delicious peculiarities
+of the exhibition, we deem it absolutely a matter of justice to the
+noble-hearted patriot who, imitative of the Greeks and Athenians of old,
+who gave the porticoes of their public buildings, and other convenient
+spots, for the display of their artists' productions, has most generously
+appropriated the chief space of his shop front to the use and advantage of
+the painter, and has thus set a bright example to the high-minded havannah
+merchants and contractors for cubas and c'naster, which we trust will not
+be suffered to pass unobserved by them.
+
+The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which enchain the
+beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman (_par excellence_)
+seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel style of ease, the envy, we venture to
+affirm, of every omnibus cad and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot
+afford them occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest
+cigar in the shop--not only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us not,
+but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has, moreover, by some
+extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence, made him typical of the
+locality--we allude to the Bull-and-Mouth--seated at a table evidently made
+and garnished for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the
+act of drinking his own health, or that of "all absent friends," probably
+coupling with it some little compliment to a favourite dog, one of the true
+Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon breed, who appears to be paying suitable
+attention. A huge pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon
+the ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this
+spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us
+immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and executed
+with that characteristic attention so observable in the works of this
+master[3], and that the fruit-knife, fork, cork-screw, decanter, and
+chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the _Art Union_ would have it), are truly
+excellent. The only drawback upon the originality of the subject is the
+handkerchief on the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any
+other portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as it
+may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of Sir Thomas
+Lawrence's portrait of George the Fourth; nevertheless, we in part excuse
+this, from the known difficulty attendant upon the representation of a
+gentleman seated in enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without
+associating it with a veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his
+"Sunday out," may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower tenements
+in Belgrave-square, or some such _locale_, paying violent attentions to the
+housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated with the order of the handkerchief,
+to preserve his crimson plush in all its glowing purity. We cannot take
+leave of this interesting work without declaring our opinion that the
+composition (of the frame) is highly creditable.
+
+    [3] We have forgotten the artist's name--perhaps never knew it; but
+        we believe it is the same gentleman who painted the great
+        author of "Jack Sheppard."
+
+Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a representation
+of a young lady, as seen when presenting a full-blown flower to a favourite
+parrot. There is a delicate simplicity in the attitude and expression of
+the damsel, which, though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous
+figures of Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of
+ladies many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever
+mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affections--a feline
+companion--may be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely skewered, in
+advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been careful to retain to
+eminent success. We are, nevertheless, woefully at a loss to divine what
+the allegory can possibly be (for as such we view it), what the analogy
+between a pretty poll and a pol-yanthus. We are unlearned in the language
+of flowers, or, perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral
+discussion. We are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of
+freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of
+communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the meantime
+we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the work as a
+general whole--the young lady--the parrot--the polyanthus, and the
+chiaro-scuro, are as excellent as usual in this our most amusing painter's
+productions.
+
+As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a young
+gentleman upon a half-holiday--and, equipped with cricket means, his
+dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the left arm gracefully
+encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown a genuine "Duke." The
+sentiment of this picture is unparalleled, and to the young hero of any
+parish eleven is given a stern expression of Lord's Marylebone ground. We
+can already (aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future
+generation of cricketers, "shoulder his bat, and show how games were won."
+The bat is well drawn and coloured with much truth, and with that strict
+observance of harmony which is so characteristic of the excellences of art.
+The artist has felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with
+that of the young gentleman's head. As to the ball, we do not recollect
+ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old masters so true to
+nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the jacket, and the button-holes,
+companions thereto, would baffle the criticism of the most hyper-fastidious
+stab-rag; and the shirt collar, with every other detail--never forgetting
+the chiaro-scuro--are equal to any of the preceding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.
+
+We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals extraordinary, with
+which we had intended to favour the public, when the following bill reached
+us. We feel that its contents partake so strongly of what we had heretofore
+conceived the exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of
+plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we have
+resolved to give insertion to both.
+
+As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our _collaborateurs_ the
+preference.
+
+_Red Lion Court, Fleet Street._
+
+SIR,--Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give publicity to
+this bill, by _placing it in some conspicuous part of your Establishment_.
+The success of the undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at
+large, that I fear not your compliance in so good a cause.
+
+I am, Sir, your's very obediently,
+C. MITCHELL
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre, established for
+the full encouragement of English Living Dramatists._
+
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+
+The generous National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a Free Stage and Fair Play." The
+Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre seek to achieve both, for every
+English Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the _Law_, to present
+on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM (in effecting
+which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those elements of human nature,
+which must constitute the essential principles of every genuine Dramatic
+Production), they hope for such kind consideration as may be due to a work
+brought forward in obedient accordance with the regulations of _Acts of
+Parliament_, though labouring thereby under some consequent difficulties;
+the _Law_ for the Small Theatres Royal, and the _Law_ for the Large
+Theatres Royal, _not_ being one and the same _Law_. If, by these efforts, a
+beneficial alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic
+Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest class of
+Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the Public will
+Participate in their Triumph.
+
+On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the First Time,
+
+(_Interspersed with Songs and Music_).
+
+MARTINUZZI.
+
+BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ.
+
+Taken by him from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, _The Hungarian
+Daughter_.
+
+The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical arrangement the _Law_
+may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE.
+
+The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable qualities of the
+Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"Worthy of _the Stage_ in its best days."--The Courier.
+
+"Effective situations; if well acted, it _could not fail of
+success_."--_New Bell's Messenger_.
+
+"The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen on Mr. Stephens,
+for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works of modern dramatists, the
+truthful delineations of human passion, the chaste and splendid imagery,
+and continuous strain of fine poetry to be found in _The Hungarian
+Daughter_."--_Cambridge Journal_.
+
+"Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The Poet has availed
+himself of every tragic point, and brought together every element; nor,
+with the exception, of Mr. Knowles's _Love_, has there been a single Drama,
+within the last four years, presented on _the Stage_ at all
+comparable."--_Monthly Magazine_.
+
+After which will be performed, also for the First Time, An Original
+Entertainment in One Act, Entitled
+
+THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET!
+
+By the Author of _Jacob Faithful_, _Peter Simple_, _&c. &c._
+
+No Orders admitted.--No Free List, the Public Press excepted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now for _our_ penny trumpet.
+
+THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+
+READER,--Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to give publicity to
+the following announcement, _by buying up and distributing among your
+friends the whole of the unsold copies of this number_. The success of this
+undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, and of so
+little benefit to ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a
+cause.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+PUNCH.
+
+
+VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+PERIPATETIC,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association established for the
+full encouragement of Timber Actors and Wooden-headed Dramatists_.
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC;
+
+OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET,
+
+The general National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a blind alley, and no Fantoccini."
+Compelled by the New Police Act to move on, and so present our high tragic
+composition by small instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard
+has been had--_This parenthesis to be continued in our next_), we hope for
+such kind consideration as may be due, when it is remembered that the _law_
+for the _out-door_ PUNCH and the _law_ for the _in-door_ PUNCH is not one
+and the same _law_. Oh, law!
+
+On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be presented,
+
+(_Interspersed with Drum and Mouth Organ_),
+
+PUNCHINUZZI,
+
+BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ.
+
+Taken from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, "PUNCH NUTS UPON
+HIMSELF."
+
+The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of _Punchinuzzi_, are
+selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"This ere play 'ud draw at ony fare."--_The late Mr. Richardson_.
+
+"This happy poetic drama would be certain to command crowded and elegant
+_courts_."--_La Belle Assemblee_.
+
+"We have read _Punchinuzzi_, and we fearlessly declare that the mantle of
+that metropolitan bard, the late Mr. William Waters, has descended upon the
+gifted author."--_Observer_.
+
+"Worthy of the _streets_ in their best days."--_Fudge_.
+
+No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WHIGS' LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE QUEEN
+
+It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the opportunity
+presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of laying before his
+readers a copy of the original draft of the Speech decided upon at a late
+Cabinet Council. There is a novelty about it which pre-eminently
+distinguishes it from all preceding orations from the throne or the
+woolsack, for it has a purpose, and evinces much kind consideration on the
+part of the Sovereign, in rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as
+grateful as possible to its surviving friends and admirers.
+
+There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins, combined with the
+rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout the oration. Indeed, it
+remained for the Whigs to add this crowning triumph to their policy; for
+who but Melbourne and Co. would have conceived the happy idea of converting
+the mouth of the monarch into an organ for puffing, and transforming
+Majesty itself into a _National Advertiser_?
+
+
+THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the invaluable
+    policy of my present talented and highly disinterested advisers, I
+    continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of their
+    amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my elegant
+    and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and of
+    their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the rest
+    of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet.
+
+    The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most
+    pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy
+    Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for
+    Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement
+    arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and
+    their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this
+    happy country.
+
+    I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute
+    diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary
+    of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and
+    complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing
+    his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy
+    justice of commemorating, by a _fete_ and inauguration at Boulogne,
+    the disinclination of the French, at a former period, to invade the
+    British dominions.
+
+
+    GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
+
+    I have directed the _estimates for the next fortnight_ to be laid
+    before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply
+    sufficient for the exigencies of my _present_ disinterested
+    advisers.
+
+    The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor of
+    the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in
+    reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure
+    of the state.
+
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the
+    admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial
+    Department, and the brilliant author of "Don Carlos," for the
+    prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of the
+    present extravagant dietary of the Unions.
+
+    I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in
+    progress, by which it is proposed by my _non_-patronage Ministers
+    to call into requisition the talents of several literary
+    gentlemen--all intimate friends or relations of my deeply erudite
+    and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home
+    Department, and author of "Yes and No," (three vols. Colburn) for
+    the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and writing, and
+    the encouragement of circulating libraries all over the kingdom.
+
+    My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the
+    Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited "Essays by
+    a gentleman who has lately left his lodgings," totally changed his
+    opinions on the subject of the Corn Laws, a measure is in the
+    course of preparation with a view to the repeal of those laws, and
+    the continuance in office of my invaluable, tenacious, and
+    incomparable ministry.
+
+CAUTION.--We have just heard from a friend in Somerset House, that it is
+the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps, from the glaring puffs
+embodied in the above speech, to proceed for the advertisement duty against
+all newspapers in which it is inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully
+pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name, that he
+spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZAR'S FEAST.
+
+[Illustration: OLD GLORY'S WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE
+DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.]
+
+Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and
+enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general
+indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their
+master's shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to
+the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and
+his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he
+had forsaken his old party and joined Peel's, the "tops" magnanimously
+decided to forsake him, and force him to take to--Wellingtons. We have been
+favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the
+occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.
+
+In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the
+circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous's feast, which strongly
+remind us of Byron's Vision of Belshazzar.
+
+  Burdett was in the chair--
+    The Tories throng'd the hall--
+  A thousand lamps were there,
+    O'er that mad festival.
+  His crystal cup contain'd
+    The grape-blood of the Rhine;
+  Draught after draught he drain'd,
+    To drown his thoughts in wine.
+
+  In that same hour and hall
+    A shade like "Glory" came,
+  And wrote upon the wall
+    The records of his shame.
+  And at its fingers traced
+    The words, as with a wand,
+  The traitorous and debased
+    Upraised his palsied hand.
+
+  And in his chair he shook,
+    And could no more rejoice;
+  All bloodless wax'd his look,
+    And tremulous his voice.
+  "What words are those appear,
+    To mar my fancied mirth!
+  What bringeth 'Glory' here
+    To tell of faded worth?"
+
+  "False renegade! thy name
+    Was once the star which led
+  The free; but, oh! what shame
+    Encircles now thine head!
+  Thou'rt in the balance weigh'd,
+    And worthless found at last.
+  All! all! thou hast betray'd!"--
+    And so the spirit pass'd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. VI.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ANIMAL MAGNETISM:
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.
+
+PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY.
+
+This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced
+before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final
+decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present
+term,
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues _in forma
+pauperis_, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from
+setting a hungry Scotchman--one of their own creatures, without local or
+professional knowledge--over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal,
+though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager
+thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands
+themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the
+cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of
+gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its
+management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice
+to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company,
+in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with
+an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the
+office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functions--who had lived
+and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these
+functions--and by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who,
+instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would
+be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the
+company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they
+had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official
+assignees.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--What authorities can you cite for this application?
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather
+adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of
+this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs,
+been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and
+connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when
+injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued
+merely because it is the custom, or because it is an "old institution of
+the country."
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--I am quite astonished at your broaching such
+abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a
+Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, 'tis marvellous! Mr.
+Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a
+contempt of court.
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, in that case I decline the honour of
+addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged
+in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult
+added to terrible pecuniary punishment.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--_Serve_ him right! We dismiss the application with
+costs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE.
+
+Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the
+chief tax must be upon the compiler's brain. We give the following as a
+direct proof to the contrary--one that has the authority of Lord Hamlet,
+who summed the matter up in three
+
+  "Words! Words! Words!"
+
+In one column we give a common-place household and familiar term--in the
+other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology:
+
+  Does your mother know | Is your maternal parent's natural solicitude
+  you are out?          | allayed by the information, that you have for
+                        | the present vacated your domestic roof?
+                        |
+  You don't lodge here, | You are geographically and statistically
+  Mr. Ferguson.         | misinformed; this is by no means the
+                        | accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr.
+                        | Ferguson.
+                        |
+  See! there he goes    | Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one
+  with his eye out.     | moiety of his visual organs!
+                        |
+  Don't you wish you    | Pray confess, are you not really particularly
+  may get it?           | anxious to obtain the desired object?
+                        |
+  More t'other.         | Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely
+                        | the entire extreme and the absolute reverse.
+                        |
+                        |
+  Quite different.      | Dissimilar as the far-extended poles, or the
+                        | deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark
+                        | denizens of Sol's sultry plains and the fair
+                        | rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow,
+                        | melting with envy on the peerless breast of
+                        | fair Circassia's ten-fold white-washed
+                        | daughters.
+                        |
+  Over the left.        | Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of
+Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in
+turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an
+_old Spencer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that
+have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the _reins_ of government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET.
+
+"COME OUT--WILL YOU!"
+
+The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has
+been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity.
+Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we
+discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord
+John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the
+repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for
+even _his_ powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the
+curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and
+scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by
+numbers, he must "come out" at last, and yield the victory to his numerous
+persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at
+drawing a badger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE
+
+(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.)
+
+The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties
+are going about declaring--not that we put any faith in what they say--that
+Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done
+this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he
+most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the
+policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very
+properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he
+will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports
+of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our
+parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give
+everything just as it reaches us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MONEY MARKET
+
+Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which
+gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital.
+
+A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being
+intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon
+equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no
+capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will
+be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal
+price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately.
+
+The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress
+very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which
+is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing
+interests.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded
+with scaffolds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS.
+
+Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and
+experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous
+duties of "looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes." A ten years'
+character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because
+the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No
+objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an
+extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in.
+Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street
+Without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It is very odd," said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, "that Tindal should
+have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain
+as A B C." "Yes," replied Thessiger, "but of what use is it that it should
+have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLEVER ROGUES.
+
+The _Belfast Vindicator_ has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for
+threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as "a piece of
+silver plate of beautiful workmanship," by which means he disposed of the
+ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of
+congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their "BOB," and having him
+described as "a rare piece of vertu(e) _premiere qualite_" in the
+expectation of securing a _crown_ by it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS.
+
+Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the
+motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely
+by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, _grown his own
+mattresses_, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of
+all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine
+square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum.
+The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy
+chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a
+pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M.
+recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough
+with a cat's-paw, and manure with Macassar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that
+the more appropriate title for a _Stair_, in raising him a step higher,
+would have been Lord _Landing-place_, or Viscount _Bannister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE'S LETTER-BAG.
+
+The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and
+scrubbing-brushes are at a premium--a little anticipative, it is true, of
+the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed
+confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered
+this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long
+been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the
+unfortunate _employes_ had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The
+routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the
+removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and
+which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to
+get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of
+receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were
+extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded
+tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed
+fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves.
+They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man
+must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:--
+
+
+1.
+
+MY LORD,--In the present critical state of your lordship's situation, it
+behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to
+assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your
+lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in
+Broad-street, St. Giles's, have long been held in high estimation by my
+customers, for
+
+[Illustration: BEEF A-LA-MODE;]
+
+and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and
+potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none.
+
+N.B. Please observe the address--Broad-street, St. Giles's.
+
+
+2.
+
+A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful
+part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate,
+when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office.
+Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to
+backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel
+delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbourne's acknowledged
+gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is
+generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny
+points if he wished it.
+
+Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.
+
+
+3.
+
+Grosjean, Restaurateur, _Castle-street, Leicester-square_, a l'honneur de
+prevenir Milord Melbourne qu'il se trouvera bien servi a son etablissement.
+Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain a
+discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement
+avoir ses sacs souffles[4] pour un schilling. La societe est tres
+comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au garcon.
+
+    [4] French idiom--"He will be well able to blow his bags
+        out!"--PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the
+        show--the foreign gentleman.
+
+
+4.
+
+(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the
+bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)
+
+Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,
+
+My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to
+the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me
+night and day. How is the treasury?--can you still spare me ten shillings?
+YOURS,
+
+AMANDA.
+
+
+5.
+
+JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his
+Bachelor's Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew,
+steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the
+same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for
+_lamb_, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably
+adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne
+may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.
+
+High Holborn.
+
+
+6.
+
+May it plese my Lord,--i have gest time to Rite and let you kno' wot a sad
+plite we are inn, On account off your lordship's inwitayshun to queen
+Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is
+nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok'd up with
+the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old
+cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold
+meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers' markut-dinner; and may I
+ask you my lord without fear of your
+
+[Illustration: TAKING A FENCE]
+
+on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to me--two pound will
+be Enuff--or a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I
+wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut
+with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos they've come to Take pot-luck
+like, they won't be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer
+from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that
+a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, won't keep no Time, unless
+it's drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and
+he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water;
+and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish;
+and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from
+
+Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,
+
+MISSES RUMMIN.
+
+
+7.
+
+MY LORD,--Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is
+opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to
+descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a
+moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary
+embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine,
+which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordship's most
+humble servant,
+
+RICHARD ROSE,
+
+Dealer in Marine Stores.
+
+Gray's-inn-lane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAYS OF THE LAZY.
+
+  I've wander'd on the distant shore,
+    I've braved the dangers of the deep,
+  I've very often pass'd the Nore--
+    At Greenwich climb'd the well-known steep;
+  I've sometimes dined at Conduit House,
+    I've taken at Chalk Farm my tea,
+  I've at the Eagle talk'd with Rouse--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  "I've stood amid the glittering throng"
+    Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,
+  Where I have heard the Chinese gong
+    Filling, with brazen voice, the air.
+  I've join'd wild revellers at night--
+    I've crouch'd beneath the old oak tree,
+  Wet through, and in a pretty plight,
+    But, oh! I've NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  I've earn'd, at times, a pound a week--
+    Alas! I'm earning nothing now;
+  Chalk scarcely shames my whiten'd cheek,
+    Grief has plough'd furrows in my brow.
+  I only get one meal a day,
+    And that one meal--oh, God!--my tea;
+  I'm wasting silently away,
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  My days are drawing to their end--
+    I've now, alas! no end in view;
+  I never had a real friend--
+    I wear a worn-out black _surtout_,
+  My heart is darken'd o'er with woe,
+    My trousers whiten'd at the knee,
+  My boot forgets to hide my toe--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.
+
+The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of
+admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to
+general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has
+occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of
+Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been
+constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a
+similar purpose.
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIES SUPPLIED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WIT WITHOUT MONEY:
+
+OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.
+
+BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+"A clever fellow, that Horseleech!" "When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a
+great creature it is!" These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I
+frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling
+ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a
+greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow,
+is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or
+held in, is a poor creature, not a great creature--opaque, not luminous--in
+a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed.
+
+But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.--Hunger may be said to
+be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are
+sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverance--which
+necessity will inevitably superinduce--the most dreary dullard that ever
+carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily
+convert himself into a seeming Sheridan--a substitutional Sydney Smith--a
+second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline.
+
+Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle
+of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all
+plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since
+quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise.
+
+The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say
+groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to
+luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who,
+singling out "a friend," drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible
+remnants of last Tuesday's joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his
+host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle
+there, on the part of the children, "to share the good man's knee;" but
+protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately
+upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their
+miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.
+
+To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal
+diner-out. Lively with the light--airy with the sparkling--brilliant with
+the blithe, he must also be grave with the serious--heavy with the
+profound--solemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the
+sentimental--to condole with the afflicted--to prove with the practical--to
+be a theorist with the speculative.
+
+To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that
+birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and
+the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic
+salt.
+
+I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitators--of that Joseph
+and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls "_The_ Miller and his
+men"--I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have
+known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal
+to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained.
+
+Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were
+pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and
+rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own
+dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You
+will be too witty--a fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their
+own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will
+now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.
+
+When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time
+is gone by for dwelling upon--"Dean Swift said"--"Quin, the actor,
+remarked"--"The facetious Foote was once"--"That reminds me of what
+Sheridan"--"Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day with"--and the
+like. Your ha! ha!--especially should it precede the name of Sam
+Rogers--would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be
+changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. _Verbum sat_.
+
+I would have you be careful to _sort_ your pleasantries. Your soup jokes
+(never hazard that one about Marshal _Turenne_, it is really _too_
+ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jests--your side-shakers for the
+side dishes--your puns for the pastry--your after-dinner excruciators.
+
+Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck, which is
+unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you sit down to table
+with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of an inferior quality. Your
+object is to make men laugh. It must be done. I have known a pathetic
+passage, quoted timely and with a happy emphasis from a popular novel--say,
+"Alice, or the Mysteries"--I have known it, I say, do more execution upon
+the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the evening.
+(There is one passage in that "thrilling" performance, where Alice,
+overjoyed that her lover is restored to her, is represented as frisking
+about him like a dog around his long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I
+have taken it in hand, has been rewarded with the most vociferous and
+gleesome laughter.)
+
+And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I know not
+whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man, however stentorian his
+lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a view to engage him as a
+cachinnatory machine. A confederate may become a traitor--a rival he is
+pretty certain of becoming. Besides, strive as you may, you can never
+secure an altogether unexceptionable individual--one who will "go the whole
+hyaena," and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he once start "lion"
+on his own account, furnished with your original roar, with which you
+yourself have supplied him, good-bye to your supremacy. "Farewell, my
+trim-built wherry"--he is in the same boat only to capsise you.
+
+  "And the first lion thinks the last a bore,"
+
+and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work out your own
+ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and is likely to be
+formidable.
+
+I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future time. My space
+at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as yet entered upon the
+subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAM(B)ENTATIONS.
+
+  Ye banks and braes o' Buckingham,
+  How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair,
+  When I am on my latest legs,
+  And may not bask amang ye mair!
+  And you, sweet maids of honour,--come,
+  Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn,
+  For your old flame must now depart,
+  Depart, oh! never to return!
+
+  Oft have I roam'd o'er Buckingham,
+  From room to room, from height to height;
+  It was such pleasant exercise,
+  And gave me _such_ an appetite!
+  Yes! when the _dinner-hour_ arrived,
+  For me they never had to wait,
+  I was the first to take my chair,
+  And spread my ample napkin straight.
+
+  And if they did not quickly come,
+  After the dinner-bell had knoll'd,
+  I just ran up my _private stairs_,
+  To say the things were getting cold!
+  But now, farewell, ye pantry steams,
+  (The sweets of premiership to me),
+  Ye gravies, relishes, and creams,
+  Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy!
+
+  Full well I mind the days gone by,--
+  'Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine;
+  Then _John_ and _Pal_ sang o' _their_ luck,
+  And fondly sae sang I o' mine!
+  But now, how sad the scene, and changed!
+  _Johnny_ and _Pal_ are glad nae mair!
+  Oh! banks and braes o' Buckingham!
+  How _can_ you bloom sae fresh and fair!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHELSEA.
+
+(From our own Correspondent.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The steam-boats bring
+down hundreds every day, and in the evening take them all back again. Mr.
+Jones has engaged a lodging for the week, and other families are spoken of.
+A ball is also talked about; but it is not yet settled who is to give it,
+nor where it is to be given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very
+general at the leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number
+of persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged for the
+season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more than one
+musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the talented artist who
+plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with his elbow, the triangle with
+his shoulder, the bells with this head, and the Pan's pipes with his
+mouth--thus uniting the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of
+an individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have been
+imported within the last few days, and there is every probability of this
+pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable rival to the old-established
+watering-places.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+FOREIGN AFFAIRS,
+
+OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE.
+
+
+Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young gentlemen
+who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given in marriage. At
+all events, some conjecture of the sort is necessary to make the plot of
+the piece we are noticing somewhat probable--that being the precise
+circumstance upon which it hinges. The _Count St. Louis_, a youthful
+_attache_ of the French embassy, becomes attached, by a marriage contract,
+to _Lady Bell_, a maid of honour to Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of
+a wife quite nineteen, would, according to the natural course of things, be
+very considerably hen-pecked; and _St. Louis_, foreseeing this, determines
+to begin. Well, he insists upon having "article five" of the marriage
+contract cancelled; for, by this stipulation, he is to be separated from
+his wife, on the evening of the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five
+years. He storms, swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding
+present of sugar-plums--everybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his
+expense--the wife treats him with contempt, and plays the scornful. The
+hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation, determines to prove himself
+a man.
+
+At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy matter. _St.
+Louis_ writes love-letters to several maids of honour and to a citizen's
+wife, finishing the first act by invading the private apartments of the
+maiden ladies belonging to the court of the chaste Queen Anne.
+
+The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order of the
+Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by the love-letters
+are hatching, by running into debt, and being surrounded by duns. The
+intrigues are not long in coming to a head, for two ladies visit him
+separately in secret, and allow themselves to be hid in those never-failing
+adjuncts to a piece of dramatic intrigue--a couple of closets, which are
+used exactly in the same manner in "Foreign Affairs," as in all the farces
+within the memory of man--_ex. gr._:--The hero is alone; one lady enters
+cautiously. A tender interchange of sentiment ensues--a noise is heard, and
+the lady screams. "Ah! that closet!" Into which exit lady. Then enter lady
+No. 2. A second interchange of tender things--another noise behind. "No
+escape?" "None! and yet, happy thought, that closet." Exit lady No. 2, into
+closet No. 2.
+
+This is exactly as it happens in "Foreign Affairs." The second noise is
+made by the husband of one of the concealed ladies, and the lover of the
+other. Here, out of the old "closet" materials, the dramatist has worked up
+one of the best situations--to use an actor's word--we ever remember to
+have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is really worth all the
+money to go and see it. Let our readers do so. The "Affairs" end by the boy
+fighting a couple of duels with the injured men; and thus, crowning the
+proof of his manhood, gets his wife to tolerate--to love him.
+
+The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was admirably
+acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured lovers--Mr. Strickland and Mrs.
+Stirling, as a vulgar citizen and citizeness--by Miss P. Horton as _Lady
+Bell_--and even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small part--that of a
+barber--with great skill. Lastly, Madlle. Celeste, as the hero, acquitted
+herself to admiration. We suppose the farce is called "Foreign Affairs" out
+of compliment to this lady, who is the only "Foreign Affair" we could
+discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated from the
+French, which is, strictly, an affair of the author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MARY CLIFFORD.
+
+If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and delicate
+sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for scenery painted on
+the spot, but like nothing in nature except canvas and colour--go to the
+Victoria and see "Mary Clifford." It may, perhaps, startle you to learn
+that the incidents are faithfully copied from the "Newgate Calendar," and
+that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of apprentice-killing notoriety; but
+be not alarmed, there is nothing horrible or revolting in the drama--it is
+merely laughable.
+
+"Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl," is very appropriately
+introduced to the auditor, first outside the gates of that "noble
+charity-school," taking leave of some of her accidental companions. Here
+sympathy is first awakened. Mary is just going out to "place," and instead
+of saying "good bye," which we have been led to believe is the usual form
+of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song with such heart-rending
+expression, that everybody cries except the musicians and the audience. To
+assist in this lachrymose operation, the girls on the stage are supplied
+with clean white aprons--time out mind a charity-girl's
+pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and Mrs.
+Brownrigg's domestic arrangements, and are made acquainted with their
+private characters--a fine stroke of policy on the part of the author; for
+one naturally pities a poor girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the
+corners of so many white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one
+sees into whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family
+are people of taste--peculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs. B. has a
+taste for starving apprentices--her son, Mr. Jolin B., for seducing
+them--and Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life, a pot of porter, and a pipe.
+Into the bosom of this amiable family Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble
+for her virtue and her meals! not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow
+in commencing his gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary,
+seeing that she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one
+William Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker.
+During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her "heart's master," the
+journeyman baker. But there is another and more terrible invocation. In
+classic plays they invoke "the gods"--in Catholic I ones, "the saints"--the
+stage Arab appeals to "Allah"--the light comedian swears "by the lord
+Harry"--but _Mary Clifford_ adds a new and impressive invocative to the
+list. When young Brownrigg attempts to kiss, or his mother to flog her, she
+casts her eyes upward, kneels, and placing her hands together in an
+attitude of prayer, solemnly calls upon--"the governors of the Foundling
+Hospital!!" Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems to produce
+upon her persecutors! They release her instantly--they slink back abashed
+and trembling--they hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a
+clear stage for a soliloquy or a song.
+
+We really _must_ stop here, to point out to dramatic authors the importance
+of this novel form of conjuration. When the history of Fauntleroy comes to
+be dramatised, the lover will, of course, be a banker's clerk: in the
+depths of distress and despair into which he will have to be plunged, a
+prayer-like appeal to "the Governor and Company of the Bank of England,"
+will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience. The old
+exclamations of "Gracious powers!"--"Great heavens!"--"By heaven, I swear!"
+&c. &c., may now be abandoned; and, after "Mary Clifford," Bob Acres'
+tasteful system of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the
+tragic drama, but considerably augmented.
+
+But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really "go and tell" the
+illustrious governors, she is kept a close prisoner, and finishes the first
+act by a conspiracy with a fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape.
+
+Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12, Fetter-lane,
+in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing, glazing, and pepper-line;
+and, in the next act, a correct view is exhibited of the exterior of his
+shop, painted, we are told, from the most indisputable authorities of the
+time. Here, in Fetter, lane, the romance of the tale begins:--A lady
+enters, who, being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked,
+unquestioned, to tell the audience a story--how that she married in early
+life--that her husband was pressed to sea a day or two after the
+wedding--that she in due time became a mother, and (affectionate creature!)
+left the dear little pledge at the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was
+sixteen years ago. Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby
+back again; but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that
+her daughter has been just "put apprentice" in the very house before which
+she tells the story--part of it as great a fib as ever was told; for
+children once inside the walls of that "noble charity," never know who left
+them there; and any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is
+punished with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the
+awful "governors." This lady, who bears all the romance of the piece upon
+her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost husband at the Ship, in
+Wapping, and instead of seeking her daughter, repairs thither, having done
+all the author required, by emptying her budget of fibs.
+
+The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe it as _Mrs.
+Brownrigg's_ "wash-house, kitchen, and skylight"--the sky-light forming a
+most impressive object. Poor _Mary Clifford_ is chained to the floor, her
+face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry. Here the
+heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and stentorian
+eloquence, but is interrupted by _Mr. Clipson_, whose face appears framed
+and glazed in the broken sky-light. A pathetic dialogue ensues, and the
+lover swears he will rescue his mistress, or "perish in the attempt,"
+"calling upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer," to make known her sufferings.
+The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and _Toby Bensling_, alias _Richard
+Clifford_, enters to inform his hearers that he is the missing father of
+the injured foundling, and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short
+voyage, lasting sixteen years! He is on his way to the "Admiralty," to
+receive some pay--the more particularly, we imagine, as they always pay
+sailors at Somerset House--and _then_ to look after his wife. But she saves
+him the trouble by entering with _Mr. William Clipson_. The usual "Whom do
+I see?"--"Can it be?"--"After so long an absence!" &c. &c., having been
+duly uttered and begged to, they all go to see after _Mary_, find her in a
+cupboard in Mrs. B.'s back-parlour, and--the act-drop falls.
+
+We must confess we approach a description of the third act with diffidence.
+Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more sombre sound--ink of a
+darker hue, than we can command. The third scene is, in particular, too
+extravagantly touching for ordinary nerves to witness. _Mary Clifford_ is
+in bed--French bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because such things
+were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg) stands exactly in the
+middle of the stage--a chest of drawers is placed behind, and a table on
+each side, to balance the picture. The lover leans over the head, the
+mother sits at the foot, the father stands at the side: _Mary Clifford_ is
+insane, with lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is,
+she has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse concerning
+the great "governors," her cruel mistress, and her naughty young master,
+interlarded with insane ejaculations, always considered stage property,
+such as, "Ah, she comes!" "Nay, strike me not--I am guiltless!" Again,
+"Villain! what do you take me for?--unhand me!" and all that. Then the
+dying part comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that
+she is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the
+gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm fall
+upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody says that
+she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to be changed.
+
+In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. _Mrs. Brownrigg_,
+having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in the condemned cell; her
+son by her side, and the fatal cart in the back-ground. Having been brought
+up genteelly, she declines the mode of conveyance provided for her journey
+to Tyburn with the utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does
+not seem to affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful "drag" she is
+doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and the curtain
+falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of an innocent audience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 21, 1841, by Various
+
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