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diff --git a/14924.txt b/14924.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..df8e384 --- /dev/null +++ b/14924.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2424 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 21, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 21, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14924] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 21, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE WIFE-CATCHERS. + +A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS. + +_In Four Chapters._ + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +[Illustration: T]The conversation now subsided into "private and +confidential" whispers, from which I could learn that Miss O'Brannigan had +consented to quit her father's halls with Terence that very night, and, +before the priest, to become his true and lawful wife. + +It had been previously understood that those of the guests who lived at a +distance from the lodge should sleep there that night. Nothing could have +been more favourable for the designs of the lovers; and it was arranged +between them, that Miss Biddy was to steal from her chamber into the yard, +at daybreak, and apprise her lover of her presence by flinging a handful of +gravel against his window. Terence's horse was warranted to carry double, +and the lady had taken the precaution to secure the key of the stable where +he was placed. + +It was long after midnight before the company began to separate;--cloaks, +shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug of punch of extra strength was +compounded, and a _doch an dhurris_[1] of the steaming beverage +administered to every individual before they were permitted to depart. At +length the house was cleared of its guests, with the exception of those who +were to remain and take beds there. Amongst the number were the haberdasher +and your uncle. The latter was shown into a chamber in which a pleasant +turf fire was burning on the hearth. + + [1] A drink at the door;--a farewell cup. + +Although Terence's mind was full of sweet anticipations and visions of +future grandeur, he could not avoid feeling a disagreeable sensation +arising from the soaked state of his boots; and calculating that it still +wanted three or four hours of daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and +comfortable for his morning's adventure. With this intention he drew us +off, and placed us on the hearth before the fire, and threw himself on the +bed--not to sleep--he would sooner have committed suicide--but to meditate +upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her thousand pounds. + +But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by circumstances--the ducking, +the dancing, and the _potteen_, had so exhausted Terence, that he +unconsciously shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell +fast asleep, and dreamed of running away with the heiress on his back, +through a shaking bog, in which he sank up to the middle at every step. His +vision was, however, suddenly dispelled by a smart rattle against his +window. A moment was sufficient to recall him to his senses--he knew it was +Miss Biddy's signal, and, jumping from the bed, drew back the cotton +window-curtains and peered earnestly out: but though the day had begun to +break, it was still too dark to enable him to distinguish any person on the +lawn. In a violent hurry he seized on your humble servant, and endeavoured +to draw me on; but, alas! the heat of the fire had so shrank me from my +natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to introduce his +leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage to the further corner +of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot into my companion, which had +been reduced to the same shrunken state as myself. In vain he tugged, +swore, and strained; first with one, and then with another, until the +stitches in our sides grinned with perfect torture; the perspiration rolled +down his forehead--his eyes were staring, his teeth set, and every nerve in +his body was quivering with his exertions--but still he could not force us +on. + +"What's to be done!" he ejaculated in despairing accents. A bright thought +struck him suddenly, that he might find a pair of boots belonging to some +of the other visitors, with which he might make free on so pressing an +emergency. It was but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake, +on the following day. With this idea he sallied from his room, and groped +his way down stairs to find the scullery, where he knew the boots were +deposited by the servant at night. This scullery was detached from the main +building, and to reach it it was necessary to cross an angle of the yard. +Terence cautiously undid the bolts and fastenings of the back door, and was +stealthily picking his steps over the rough stones of the yard, when he was +startled by a fierce roar behind him, and at the same moment the teeth of +Towser, the great watch-dog, were fastened in his nether garments. Though +very much alarmed, he concealed his feelings, and presuming on a slight +previous intimacy with his assailant, he addressed him in a most familiar +manner, calling him "poor fellow" and "old Towser," explained to him the +ungentlemanly liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested him +to let go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was, +however, not to be talked out of his private notions; he foully suspected +your uncle of being on no good design, and replied to every remonstrance he +made with a growl and a shake, that left no doubt he would resort to more +vigorous measures in case of opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for +help, Terence was kept in this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death +with cold and trembling with terror, until the morning was considerably +advanced, when he was discovered by some of the servants, who released him +from the guardianship of his surly captor. Without waiting to account for +the extraordinary circumstances in which he had been found, he bolted into +the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, and, locking the door, threw +himself into a chair, overwhelmed with shame and vexation. + +But poor Terence's troubles were not half over. The beautiful heiress, +after having discharged several volleys of sand and small pebbles against +his window without effect, was returning to her chamber, swelling with +indignation, when she was encountered on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no +doubt prompted by the demon of jealousy, had been watching her movements. +He could not have chosen a more favourable moment to plead his suit; her +mortified vanity, and her anger at what she deemed the culpable +indifference of her lover, made her eager to be revenged on him. It +required, therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with +the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in less than +ten minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking the shortest road +to the priest's. + +I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as soon as he +learned the trick he had been served; he vowed to be the death of Tibbins, +and it is probable he would have carried his threat into effect, if the +haberdasher had not prudently kept out of his way until his anger had grown +cool. + +"So," said I, addressing the narrator, "you lost the opportunity of +figuring at Miss Biddy's wedding?" + +"Yes," replied the 'wife-catcher;' "but Terence soon retrieved his credit, +for in less than three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we +were legging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune +and a prettier girl than the one he had lost: and, by-the-bye, that reminds +me of a funny scene which took place when the bride came to throw the +stocking--hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!" + +Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of laughter; +while I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked gravely on, wondering +when it would subside. Instead, however, of their laughter lessening, the +cachinnations became so violent that I began to feel seriously alarmed. + +"My dear friends!" said I. + +"Hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!" shouted the pair. + +"This excessive mirth may be dangerous"-- + +A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rolled from side to +side on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put out my hand to support +them, when a sense of acute pain made me suddenly withdraw it. I started, +opened my eyes, and discovered that I had laid hold of the burning remains +of the renowned "wife-catchers," which I had in my sleep placed upon the +fire. + +As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient allies of our +house, I resolved to record this strange adventure; but you know I never +had much taste for writing, Jack, so I now confide the task to you. As he +concluded, my uncle raised his tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a +tear sparkling in his eye--a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the +venerated "_Wife Catchers_." + + * * * * * + + +CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY. + + Wrote Paget to Pollen, + With face bright as brass, + "T'other day in the Town Hall + You mention'd an ass: + + "Now, for family reasons, + I'd like much to know, + If on me you intended + That name to bestow?" + + "My lord," says Jack Pollen, + "Believe me, ('tis true,) + I'd be sorry to slander + A donkey or you." + + "Being grateful," says Paget, + "I'd ask you to lunch; + But just, Sir John, tell me. + Did you call me PUNCH?" + + "In wit, PUNCH is equalled," + Says Pollen, "by few; + In naming him, therefore, + I couldn't mean you," + + "Thanks! thanks! To bear malice," + Save Paget, "I'm loath; + Two answers I've got, and I'm + Charm'd with them both." + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAMS. + +1.--THE CAUSE. + + Lisette has lost her wanton wiles-- + What secret care consumes her youth, + And circumscribes her smiles?-- + _A spec on a front tooth!_ + + +2.--PRIDE. + + Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and lords, + To steal a share of notoriety, + Will tell you, in important words, + He _mixes_ in the best society. + + * * * * * + + +ENGLISH AND AMERICAN PRODUCE. + +We find, by the _Times_ of Saturday, the British _teasel_ crops in the +parish of Melksham have fallen entirely to the ground, and from their +appearance denote a complete failure. Another paragraph in the same paper +speaks quite as discouragingly of the appearance of the American _Teazle_ +at the Haymarket. + + * * * * * + + +NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.--No. 2. + +THE ROYAL RHYTHMICAL ALPHABET, + +_To be said or sung by the Infant Princess._ + +[Illustration] + +A stands for ARISTOCRACY, a thing I should admire; + +[Illustration] + +B stands for a BISHOP, who is clothed in soft attire; + +[Illustration] + +C beginneth CABINET, where Mamma keeps her _tools_; + +[Illustration] + +D doth stand for DOWNING-STREET, the "Paradise of Fools;" + +[Illustration] + +E beginneth ENGLAND, that granteth the supplies; + +[Illustration] + +F doth stand for FOREIGNERS, whom I should patronize; + +[Illustration] + +G doth stand for GOLD--good gold!--for which man freedom barters; + +[Illustration] + +H beginneth HONORS--that is, ribbons, stars, and garters; + +[Illustration] + +I stands for my INCOME (several thousand pounds per ann.); + +[Illustration] + +J stands for JOHNNY BULL, a soft and easy kind of man; + +[Illustration] + +K beginneth KING, who rules the land by "right divine;" + +[Illustration] + +L's for MRS. LILLY, who was once a nurse of mine. + +[Illustration] + +M beginneth MELBOURNE, who rules _the roast_ and State; + +[Illustration] + +N stands for a NOBLEMAN, who's _always_ good and great. + +[Illustration] + +O is for the OPERA, that I should only grace; + +[Illustration] + +P stands for the PENSION LIST, for "servants out of place." + +[Illustration] + +Q's the QUARTER'S SALARY, for which true patriots long; + +[Illustration] + +R's for MRS. RATSEY, who taught _me_ this pretty song; + +[Illustration] + +S stands for the SPEECH, which Mummy learns to say; + +[Illustration] + +T doth stand for TAXES, which the people ought to pay; + +[Illustration] + +U's for the UNION WORK-HOUSE, which horrid paupers shun; + +[Illustration] + +V is for VICTORIA, "the Bess of forty-one;" + +[Illustration] + +W stands for WAR, the "noble game" which Monarchs play; + +[Illustration] + +X is for the TREBLE X--Lilly drank three times a day; + +[Illustration] + +And Y Z's for the WISE HEADS, who admire all I say. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +A COMPLETE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF ALL THE REQUISITES, DECORATIVE, EDUCATIONAL, AND +RECREATIVE, FOR GENTILITY. + + +INTRODUCTION. + +A popular encyclopaedia of the requisites for gentility--a companion to the +toilet, the _salons_, the Queen's Bench, the streets, and the +police-stations, has long been felt to be a desideratum by every one +aspiring to good-breeding. The few works which treat on the subject have +all become as obselete as "hot cockles" and "crambo." "The geste of King +Horne," the "[Greek: BASILIKON]" of King Jamie, "Peacham's Complete +Gentleman," "The Poesye of princelye Practice," "Dame Juliana Berners' Book +of St. Alban's," and "The Jewel for Gentrie," are now confined to +bibliopoles and bookstalls. Even more modern productions have shared the +same fate. "The Whole Duty of Man" has long been consigned to the +trunk-maker, "Chesterfield's Letters" are now dead letters, and the "Young +Man" lights his cigar with his "Best Companion." It is true, that in lieu +of these, several works have emanated from the press, adapted to the change +of manners, and consequently admirably calculated to supply their places. +We need only instance "The Flash Dictionary," "The Book of Etiquette," "A +Guide to the Kens and Cribs of London," "The whole Art of Tying the +Cravat," and "The Hand-book of Boxing;" but it remains for us to remove the +disadvantages which attend the acquirement of each of these noble arts and +sciences in a detached form. + +The possessor of an inquiring and genteel mind has now to wander for his +politeness to Paternoster-row[2]; to Pierce Egan, for his knowledge of men +and manners; and to Owen Swift, for his knightly accomplishments, and +exercises of chivalry. + + [2] "Book of Etiquette." Longman and Co. + +We undertake to collect and condense these scattered radii into one +brilliant focus, so that a gentleman, by reading his "own book," may be +made acquainted with the best means of ornamenting his own, or disfiguring +a policeman's, person--how to conduct himself at the dinner-table, or at +the bar of Bow-street--how to turn a compliment to a lady, or carry on a +chaff with a cabman. + +These are high and noble objects! A wider field for social elevation cannot +well be imagined. Our plan embraces the enlightenment and refinement of +every scion of a noble house, and all the junior clerks in the government +offices--from the happy recipient of an allowance of 50L per month from +"the Governor," to the dashing acceptor of a salary of thirty shillings a +week from a highly-respectable house in the City--from the gentleman who +occupies a suite of apartments in the Clarendon, to the lodger in the +three-pair back, in an excessively back street at Somers Town. + +With these incentives, we will proceed at once to our great and glorious +task, confident that our exertions will be appreciated, and obtain for us +an introduction into the best circles. + +PRELUDE. + +We trust that our polite readers will commence the perusal of our pages +with a pleasure equal to that which we feel in sitting down to write them; +for they call up welcome recollections of those days (we are literary and +seedy now!) when our coats emanated from the laboratory of Stultz, our +pantaloons from Buckmaster, and our boots from Hoby, whilst our glossy +beaver--now, alas! supplanted by a rusty goss--was fabricated by no less a +thatcher than the illustrious Moore. They will remind us of our Coryphean +conquests at the Opera--our triumphs in Rotten row--our dinners at Long's +and the Clarendon--our nights at Offley's and the watch-house--our glorious +runs with the Beaufort hounds, and our exhilarating runs from the sheriffs' +officers--our month's sporting on the heathery moors, and our day rule when +rusticating in the Bench! + +We are in "the sear and yellow leaf"--there is nothing green about us now! +We have put down our seasoned hunter, and have mounted the winged Pegasus. +The brilliant Burgundy and sparkling Hock no longer mantle in our glass; +but Barclay's beer--nectar of gods and coalheavers--mixed with +hippocrene--the Muses' "cold without"--is at present our only beverage. The +grouse are by us undisturbed in their bloomy mountain covert. We are now +content to climb Parnassus and our garret stairs. The Albany, that +sanctuary of erring bachelors, with its guardian beadle, are to us but +memories, for we have become the denizens of a roomy attic (ring the top +bell twice), and are only saluted by an Hebe of all-work and our printer's +devil! + +ON DRESS IN GENERAL.--_L'habit fait le moine_.--It has been laid down by +Brummel, Bulwer, and other great authorities, that "the tailor makes the +man;" and he would be the most daring of sceptics who would endeavour to +controvert this axiom. Your first duty, therefore, is to place yourself in +the hands of some distinguished schneider, and from him take out your +patent of gentility--for a man with an "elegant coat" to his back is like a +bill at sight endorsed with a good name; whilst a seedy or ill-cut garment +resembles a protested note of hand labelled "No effects." It will also be +necessary for you to consult "The Monthly Book of Fashions," and to +imitate, as closely as possible, those elegant and artistical productions +of the gifted _burin_, which show to perfection "What a piece of work is +man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!" &c.--You must not +consult your own ease and taste (if you have any), for nothing is so vulgar +as to suit your convenience in these matters, as you should remember that +you dress to please others, and not yourself. We have heard of some +eccentric individuals connected with noble families, who have departed from +this rule; but they invariably paid the penalty of their rashness, being +frequently mistaken for men of intellect; and it should not be forgotten, +that any exercise of the mind is a species of labour utterly incompatible +with the perfect man of fashion. + +The confiding characters of tailors being generally acknowledged, it is +almost needless to state, that the _faintest_ indication of seediness will +be fatal to your reputation; and as a presentation at the Insolvent Court +is equally fashionable with that of St. James, any squeamishness respecting +your inability to pay could only be looked upon as a want of moral courage +upon your part, and + +[Illustration: UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF A GENTLEMAN.] + +[The subject of _dress in particular_ will form the subject of our next +chapter.] + + * * * * * + + +IF I HAD A THOUSAND A-YEAR. + +A BACHELOR'S LYRIC. + + If I had a thousand a-year, + (How my heart at the bright vision glows!) + I should never be crusty or queer, + But all would be _couleur de rose_. + I'd pay all my debts, though _outre_, + And of duns and embarrassments clear, + Life would pass like a bright summer day, + If I had a thousand a-year. + + I'd have such a spicy turn-out, + And a horse of such mettle and breed-- + Whose points not a jockey should doubt, + When I put him at top of his speed. + On the foot-board, behind me to swing, + A tiger so small should appear, + All the nobs should protest "'twas the thing!" + If I had a thousand a-year. + + A villa I'd have near the Park, + From Town just an appetite-ride; + With fairy-like grounds, and a bark + O'er its miniature waters to glide. + There oft, 'neath the pale twilight star, + Or the moonlight unruffled and clear, + My meerschaum I'd smoke, or cigar, + If I had a thousand a-year. + + I'd have pictures and statues, with taste-- + Such as ladies unblushing might view-- + In my drawing and dining-rooms placed, + With many a gem of virtu. + My study should be an affair + The heart of a book-worm to cheer-- + All compact, with its easy spring chair, + If I had a thousand a-year. + + A cellar I'd have quite complete + With wines, so _recherche_, well stored; + And jovial guests often should meet + Round my social and well-garnish'd board. + But I would have a favourite few, + To my heart and my friendship _more_ dear; + And I'd marry--I mustn't tell who-- + If I had a thousand a-year. + + With comforts so many, what more + Could I ask of kind Fortune to grant? + Humph! a few olive branches--say four-- + As pets for my old maiden aunt. + Then, with health, there'd be nought to append. + To perfect my happiness here; + For the _utile et duloc_ would blend. + If I had a thousand a-year. + + * * * * * + + +MY UNCLE BUCKET. + +The Buckets are a large family! I am one of them--my uncle Job Bucket is +another. We, the Buckets, are atoms of creation; yet we, the Buckets, are +living types of the immensity of the world's inhabitants. We illustrate +their ups and downs--their fulness and their emptiness--their risings and +their falling--and all the several goods and ills, the world's denizens in +general, and Buckets in particular, are undoubted heirs to. + +It hath ever been the fate of the fulness of one Bucket to guarantee the +emptiness of another; and (mark the moral!) the rising Bucket is the +richly-stored one; its sinking brother's attributes, like Gratiano's wit, +being "an infinite deal of nothing." Hence the adoption of our name for the +wooden utensils that have so aptly fished up this fact from the deep well +of truth. + +There be certain rods that attract the lightning. We are inclined to think +there be certain Buckets that invite kicking, and our uncle Job was one of +them. He was birched at school for everybody but himself, for he never +deserved it! He was plucked at college--because some practical joker placed +a utensil, bearing his name, outside the door of the examining master, and +our uncle Job Bucket being unfortunately present, laughed at the consequent +abrasion of his, the examining master's, shins. He was called to the bar. +His first case was, "Jane Smith _versus_ James Smith" (no relations). His +client was the female. She had been violently assaulted. He mistook the +initial--pleaded warmly for the opposing Smith, and glowingly described the +disgraceful conduct of the veriest virago a legal adviser ever had the pain +of speaking of. The verdict was, as he thought, on his side. The lady +favoured him with a living evidence of all the attributes he was pleased to +invent for her benefit, and left him with a proof impression of her nails +upon his face, carrying with her, by way of _souvenir_, an ample portion of +the skin thereof. Had the condensed heels of all the horses whose +subscription hairs were wrought into his wig, with one united effort +presented him with a kick in his abdominals, he could not have been more +completely "knocked out of time" than he was by the mistake of those cursed +initials. "_What about Smith?_" sent him out of court! At length he + + "Cursed the bar, and declined." + +He next turned his attention to building. Things went on swimmingly during +the erection--so did the houses when built. The proprietorship of the +ground was disputed--our uncle Job had paid the wrong person. The buildings +were knocked down (by Mr. Robins), and the individual who had benefited by +the suppositionary ownership of the acres let on the building lease "bought +the lot," and sent uncle Job a peculiarly well-worded legal notice, +intimating, "his respectable presence would, for the future, approximate to +a nuisance and trespass, and he (Job) would be proceeded against as the +statutes directed, if guilty of the same." + +It is impossible to follow him through all his various strivings to do +well: he commenced a small-beer brewery, and the thunder turned it all into +vinegar; he tried vinegar, and nothing on earth could make it sour; he +opened a milk-walk, and the parish pump failed; he invented a waterproof +composition--there was fourteen weeks of drought; he sold his patent for +two-and-sixpence, and had the satisfaction of walking home for the next +three months wet through, from his gossamer to his _ci-devant_ Wellingtons, +now literally, from their hydraulic powers, "_pumps_." + +He lost everything but his heart! And uncle Bucket was all heart! a red +cabbage couldn't exceed it in size, and, like that, it seemed naturally +predestined to be everlastingly in a pickle! Still it was a heart! You were +welcomed to his venison when he had it--his present saveloy was equally at +your service. He must have been remarkably attached to facetious elderly +poultry of the masculine gender, as his invariable salute to the tenants of +his "heart's core" was, "How are you, my jolly old cock?" Coats became +threadbare, and defunct trousers vanished; waistcoats were never replaced; +gossamers floated down the tide of Time; boots, deprived of all hope of +future renovation by the loss of their _soles_, mouldered in obscurity; but +the clear voice and chuckling salute were changeless as the statutes of the +Medes and Persians, the price and size of penny tarts, or the accumulating +six-and-eightpences gracing a lawyer's bill. + +Poor uncle Job Bucket's fortune had driven "him down the rough tide of +power," when first and last we met; all was blighted save the royal heart; +and yet, with shame we own the truth, we blushed to meet him. Why? ay, why? +We own the weakness!--the heart, the goodly heart, was almost cased in +rags! + +"Puppy!" + +Right, reader, right; we were a puppy. Lash on, we richly deserve it! but, +consider the fearful influence of worn-out cloth! Can a long series of +unchanging kindness balance patched elbows? are not cracked boots receipts +in full for hours of anxious love and care? does not the kindness of a life +fade "like the baseless fabric of a vision" before the withering touch of +poverty's stern stamp? Have you ever felt-- + +"Eh? what? No--stuff! Yes, yes--go on, go on." + +We will!--we blushed for our uncle's coat! His heart, God bless it, never +caused a blush on the cheek of man, woman, child, or even angel, to rise +for that. We will confess. Let's see, we are sixty now (we don't look so +much, but we are sixty). Well, be it so. We were handsome once--is this +vanity at sixty? if so, our grey hairs are a hatchment for the past. We +were "swells once!--hurrah!--we were!" Stop, this is indecent--let us be +calm--our action was like the proceeding of the denuder of well-sustained +and thriving pigs, he who deprives them of their extreme obesive +selvage--_vulgo_, "_we cut it fat_." Bond-street was cherished by our +smile, and Ranelagh was rendered happy by the exhibition of our symmetry. +Behold us hessianed in our haunts, touching the tips of well-gloved fingers +to our passing friends; then fancy the opening and shutting of our back, +just as Lord Adolphus Nutmeg claimed the affinity of "kid to kid," to find +our other hand close prisoner made by our uncle Bucket. + +"How are you, old cock?" + +"Who's that, eh?" + +"A lunatic, my lord (what lies men tell!), and dangerous!" + +"Good day! [_Exit my lord_]. This way." We followed our uncle--the end of a +blind alley gave us a resting-place. + +"Bravo!" exclaimed our uncle Bucket, "this is rare! I live here--dine with +me!" + +A mob surrounded us--we acquiesced, in hopes to reach a place of shelter. + +"All right!" exclaimed he of the maternal side, "stand three-halfpence for +your feed." + +We shelled the necessary out--he dived into a baker's shop--the mob +increased--he hailed us from the door. + +"Thank God, this is your house, then." + +"Only my kitchen. Lend a hand!" + +A dish of steaming baked potatoes, surmounted by a fractional rib of +consumptive beef, was deposited between the lemon-coloured receptacles of +our thumbs and fingers--an outcry was raised at the court's end--we were +almost mad. + +"Turn to the right--three-pair back--cut away while it's warm, and make +yourself at home! I'll come with the beer!" + +We wished our _I_ had been in that bier! We rushed out--the gravy basted +our _pants_, and greased our hessians! Lord Adolphus Nutmeg appeared at the +entrance of the court. As we proceeded to our announced +destination,--"Great God!" exclaimed his lordship, "the Bedlamite has +bitten him!" A peal of laughter rang in our ears--we rushed into the wrong +room, and our uncle Job Bucket picked us, the shattered dish, the reeking +potatoes, and dislodged beef, from the inmost recesses of a wicker-cradle, +where, spite the thumps and entreaties of a distracted parent, we were all +engaged in overlaying a couple of remarkably promising twins! We can say no +more on this frightful subject. But-- + + "Once again we met!" + +Our pride wanted cutting, and fate appeared determined to perform the +operation with a jagged saw! + +Tom Racket died! His disease was infectious, and we had been the last +person to call upon him, consequently we were mournful. Thick-coming +fancies brooded in our brain--all things conspired against us; the day was +damp and wretched--the church-bells emulated each other in announcing the +mortalities of earth's bipeds--each _toll'd_ its tale of death. We thought +upon our "absent friend." A funeral approached. We were still more gloomy. +Could it be his? if so, what were his thoughts? Could ghosts but speak, +what would he say? The coffin was coeval with us--sheets were rubicund +compared to our cheeks. A low deep voice sounded from its very bowels--the +words were addressed to us--they were, "Take no notice; it's the first +time; it will soon be over!" + +"Will it?" we groaned. + +"Yes. I'm glad you know me. I'll tell you more when I come back." + +"Gracious powers! do you expect to return?" + +"Certainly! We'll have a screw together yet! There's room for us both in my +place. I'll make you comfortable." + +The cold perspiration streamed from us. Was there ever anything so awful! +Here was an unhappy subject threatening to call and see us at night, and +then screw us down and make us comfortable. + +"Will you come?" exclaimed the dead again. + +"Never!" we vociferated with fearful energy. + +"Then let it alone; I didn't think you'd have cut me now; but wait till I +show you my face." + +Horror of horrors!--the pall moved--a long white face peered from it. We +gasped for breath, and only felt new life when we recognised our uncle Job +Bucket, as the author of the conversation, and one of the bearers of the +coffin! He had turned mute!--but that was a failure--no one ever died in +his parish after his adopting that profession! + + * * * * * + +He has been seen once since in the backwoods of America. His fate seemed +still to follow him, and his good temper appeared immortal--his situation +was more peculiar than pleasant. He was seated on a log, three hundred +miles from any civilised habitation, smiling blandly at a broken axe (his +only one), the half of which was tightly grasped in his right hand, +pointing to the truant iron in the trunk of a huge tree, the first of a +thriving forest of fifty acres he purposed felling; and, thus occupied, a +solitary traveller passed our uncle Job Bucket, serene as the melting +sunshine, and thoughtless as the wild insect that sported round the owner +"of the lightest of light hearts."--PEACE BE WITH HIM. FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +IMPORTANT DISCOVERY. + +A gentleman of the name of Stuckey has discovered a new filtering process, +by which "a stream from a most impure source may be rendered perfectly +translucent and fit for all purposes." In the name of our rights and +liberties! in the name of Judy and our country! we call upon the proper +authorities to have this invaluable apparatus erected in the lobby of the +House of Commons, and so, by compelling every member to submit to the +operation of filtration, cleanse the house from its present accumulation of +corruption, though we defy Stuckey himself to give it _brightness_. + + * * * * * + + +A THING UNFIT TO A(P)PEAR. + + New honours heaped on _roue_ Segrave's name! + A cuckold's horn is then the trump of fame. + + * * * * * + + +FINE ARTS. + +EXTERNAL EXHIBITIONS. + + +Under this head it is our intention, from time to time, to revert to +numberless free exhibitions, which, in this advancement-of-education age, +have been magnanimously founded with a desire to inculcate a knowledge of, +and disseminate, by these liberal means, an increased taste for the arts in +this vast metropolis. We commence not with any feelings of favouritism, nor +in any order of ability, our pleasures being too numerously divided to be +able to settle as to which ought to be No. 1, but because it is necessary +to commence--consequently we would wish to settle down in company with the +amiable reader in front of a tobacconist's shop in the Regent Circus, +Piccadilly; and as the principal attractions glare upon the astonishment of +the spectators from the south window, it is there in imagination that we +are irresistibly fixed. Before we dilate upon the delicious peculiarities +of the exhibition, we deem it absolutely a matter of justice to the +noble-hearted patriot who, imitative of the Greeks and Athenians of old, +who gave the porticoes of their public buildings, and other convenient +spots, for the display of their artists' productions, has most generously +appropriated the chief space of his shop front to the use and advantage of +the painter, and has thus set a bright example to the high-minded havannah +merchants and contractors for cubas and c'naster, which we trust will not +be suffered to pass unobserved by them. + +The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which enchain the +beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman (_par excellence_) +seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel style of ease, the envy, we venture to +affirm, of every omnibus cad and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot +afford them occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest +cigar in the shop--not only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us not, +but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has, moreover, by some +extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence, made him typical of the +locality--we allude to the Bull-and-Mouth--seated at a table evidently made +and garnished for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the +act of drinking his own health, or that of "all absent friends," probably +coupling with it some little compliment to a favourite dog, one of the true +Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon breed, who appears to be paying suitable +attention. A huge pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon +the ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this +spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us +immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and executed +with that characteristic attention so observable in the works of this +master[3], and that the fruit-knife, fork, cork-screw, decanter, and +chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the _Art Union_ would have it), are truly +excellent. The only drawback upon the originality of the subject is the +handkerchief on the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any +other portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as it +may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of Sir Thomas +Lawrence's portrait of George the Fourth; nevertheless, we in part excuse +this, from the known difficulty attendant upon the representation of a +gentleman seated in enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without +associating it with a veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his +"Sunday out," may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower tenements +in Belgrave-square, or some such _locale_, paying violent attentions to the +housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated with the order of the handkerchief, +to preserve his crimson plush in all its glowing purity. We cannot take +leave of this interesting work without declaring our opinion that the +composition (of the frame) is highly creditable. + + [3] We have forgotten the artist's name--perhaps never knew it; but + we believe it is the same gentleman who painted the great + author of "Jack Sheppard." + +Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a representation +of a young lady, as seen when presenting a full-blown flower to a favourite +parrot. There is a delicate simplicity in the attitude and expression of +the damsel, which, though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous +figures of Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of +ladies many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever +mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affections--a feline +companion--may be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely skewered, in +advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been careful to retain to +eminent success. We are, nevertheless, woefully at a loss to divine what +the allegory can possibly be (for as such we view it), what the analogy +between a pretty poll and a pol-yanthus. We are unlearned in the language +of flowers, or, perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral +discussion. We are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of +freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of +communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the meantime +we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the work as a +general whole--the young lady--the parrot--the polyanthus, and the +chiaro-scuro, are as excellent as usual in this our most amusing painter's +productions. + +As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a young +gentleman upon a half-holiday--and, equipped with cricket means, his +dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the left arm gracefully +encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown a genuine "Duke." The +sentiment of this picture is unparalleled, and to the young hero of any +parish eleven is given a stern expression of Lord's Marylebone ground. We +can already (aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future +generation of cricketers, "shoulder his bat, and show how games were won." +The bat is well drawn and coloured with much truth, and with that strict +observance of harmony which is so characteristic of the excellences of art. +The artist has felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with +that of the young gentleman's head. As to the ball, we do not recollect +ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old masters so true to +nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the jacket, and the button-holes, +companions thereto, would baffle the criticism of the most hyper-fastidious +stab-rag; and the shirt collar, with every other detail--never forgetting +the chiaro-scuro--are equal to any of the preceding. + + * * * * * + + +CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. + +We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals extraordinary, with +which we had intended to favour the public, when the following bill reached +us. We feel that its contents partake so strongly of what we had heretofore +conceived the exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of +plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we have +resolved to give insertion to both. + +As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our _collaborateurs_ the +preference. + +_Red Lion Court, Fleet Street._ + +SIR,--Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give publicity to +this bill, by _placing it in some conspicuous part of your Establishment_. +The success of the undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at +large, that I fear not your compliance in so good a cause. + +I am, Sir, your's very obediently, +C. MITCHELL + + * * * * * + +VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS. + +THEATRE ROYAL + +ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE, + +WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND. + +_Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre, established for +the full encouragement of English Living Dramatists._ + + +ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC. + +The generous National feelings of the British Public are proverbially +interested in every endeavour to obtain "a Free Stage and Fair Play." The +Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre seek to achieve both, for every +English Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the _Law_, to present +on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM (in effecting +which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those elements of human nature, +which must constitute the essential principles of every genuine Dramatic +Production), they hope for such kind consideration as may be due to a work +brought forward in obedient accordance with the regulations of _Acts of +Parliament_, though labouring thereby under some consequent difficulties; +the _Law_ for the Small Theatres Royal, and the _Law_ for the Large +Theatres Royal, _not_ being one and the same _Law_. If, by these efforts, a +beneficial alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic +Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest class of +Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the Public will +Participate in their Triumph. + +On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the First Time, + +(_Interspersed with Songs and Music_). + +MARTINUZZI. + +BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ. + +Taken by him from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, _The Hungarian +Daughter_. + +The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical arrangement the _Law_ +may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE. + +The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable qualities of the +Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices. + +"Worthy of _the Stage_ in its best days."--The Courier. + +"Effective situations; if well acted, it _could not fail of +success_."--_New Bell's Messenger_. + +"The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen on Mr. Stephens, +for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works of modern dramatists, the +truthful delineations of human passion, the chaste and splendid imagery, +and continuous strain of fine poetry to be found in _The Hungarian +Daughter_."--_Cambridge Journal_. + +"Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The Poet has availed +himself of every tragic point, and brought together every element; nor, +with the exception, of Mr. Knowles's _Love_, has there been a single Drama, +within the last four years, presented on _the Stage_ at all +comparable."--_Monthly Magazine_. + +After which will be performed, also for the First Time, An Original +Entertainment in One Act, Entitled + +THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET! + +By the Author of _Jacob Faithful_, _Peter Simple_, _&c. &c._ + +No Orders admitted.--No Free List, the Public Press excepted. + + * * * * * + +Now for _our_ penny trumpet. + +THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY. + + +READER,--Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to give publicity to +the following announcement, _by buying up and distributing among your +friends the whole of the unsold copies of this number_. The success of this +undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, and of so +little benefit to ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a +cause. + +Yours obediently, + +PUNCH. + + +VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE. + +THEATRE ROYAL + +PERIPATETIC, + +WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND. + +_Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association established for the +full encouragement of Timber Actors and Wooden-headed Dramatists_. + +ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC; + +OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET, + +The general National feelings of the British Public are proverbially +interested in every endeavour to obtain "a blind alley, and no Fantoccini." +Compelled by the New Police Act to move on, and so present our high tragic +composition by small instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard +has been had--_This parenthesis to be continued in our next_), we hope for +such kind consideration as may be due, when it is remembered that the _law_ +for the _out-door_ PUNCH and the _law_ for the _in-door_ PUNCH is not one +and the same _law_. Oh, law! + +On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be presented, + +(_Interspersed with Drum and Mouth Organ_), + +PUNCHINUZZI, + +BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ. + +Taken from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, "PUNCH NUTS UPON +HIMSELF." + +The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of _Punchinuzzi_, are +selected from a vast mass of similar notices. + +"This ere play 'ud draw at ony fare."--_The late Mr. Richardson_. + +"This happy poetic drama would be certain to command crowded and elegant +_courts_."--_La Belle Assemblee_. + +"We have read _Punchinuzzi_, and we fearlessly declare that the mantle of +that metropolitan bard, the late Mr. William Waters, has descended upon the +gifted author."--_Observer_. + +"Worthy of the _streets_ in their best days."--_Fudge_. + +No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!. + + * * * * * + + +THE WHIGS' LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE QUEEN + +It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the opportunity +presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of laying before his +readers a copy of the original draft of the Speech decided upon at a late +Cabinet Council. There is a novelty about it which pre-eminently +distinguishes it from all preceding orations from the throne or the +woolsack, for it has a purpose, and evinces much kind consideration on the +part of the Sovereign, in rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as +grateful as possible to its surviving friends and admirers. + +There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins, combined with the +rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout the oration. Indeed, it +remained for the Whigs to add this crowning triumph to their policy; for +who but Melbourne and Co. would have conceived the happy idea of converting +the mouth of the monarch into an organ for puffing, and transforming +Majesty itself into a _National Advertiser_? + + +THE QUEEN'S SPEECH. + + MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, + + I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the invaluable + policy of my present talented and highly disinterested advisers, I + continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of their + amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my elegant + and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and of + their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the rest + of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet. + + The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most + pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy + Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for + Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement + arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and + their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this + happy country. + + I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute + diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary + of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and + complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing + his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy + justice of commemorating, by a _fete_ and inauguration at Boulogne, + the disinclination of the French, at a former period, to invade the + British dominions. + + + GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, + + I have directed the _estimates for the next fortnight_ to be laid + before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply + sufficient for the exigencies of my _present_ disinterested + advisers. + + The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor of + the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in + reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure + of the state. + + + MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, + + Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the + admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial + Department, and the brilliant author of "Don Carlos," for the + prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of the + present extravagant dietary of the Unions. + + I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in + progress, by which it is proposed by my _non_-patronage Ministers + to call into requisition the talents of several literary + gentlemen--all intimate friends or relations of my deeply erudite + and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home + Department, and author of "Yes and No," (three vols. Colburn) for + the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and writing, and + the encouragement of circulating libraries all over the kingdom. + + My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the + Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited "Essays by + a gentleman who has lately left his lodgings," totally changed his + opinions on the subject of the Corn Laws, a measure is in the + course of preparation with a view to the repeal of those laws, and + the continuance in office of my invaluable, tenacious, and + incomparable ministry. + +CAUTION.--We have just heard from a friend in Somerset House, that it is +the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps, from the glaring puffs +embodied in the above speech, to proceed for the advertisement duty against +all newspapers in which it is inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully +pay. + + * * * * * + + +A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name, that he +spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill. + + * * * * * + + +A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZAR'S FEAST. + +[Illustration: OLD GLORY'S WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE +DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.] + +Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and +enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general +indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their +master's shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to +the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and +his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he +had forsaken his old party and joined Peel's, the "tops" magnanimously +decided to forsake him, and force him to take to--Wellingtons. We have been +favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the +occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week. + +In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the +circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous's feast, which strongly +remind us of Byron's Vision of Belshazzar. + + Burdett was in the chair-- + The Tories throng'd the hall-- + A thousand lamps were there, + O'er that mad festival. + His crystal cup contain'd + The grape-blood of the Rhine; + Draught after draught he drain'd, + To drown his thoughts in wine. + + In that same hour and hall + A shade like "Glory" came, + And wrote upon the wall + The records of his shame. + And at its fingers traced + The words, as with a wand, + The traitorous and debased + Upraised his palsied hand. + + And in his chair he shook, + And could no more rejoice; + All bloodless wax'd his look, + And tremulous his voice. + "What words are those appear, + To mar my fancied mirth! + What bringeth 'Glory' here + To tell of faded worth?" + + "False renegade! thy name + Was once the star which led + The free; but, oh! what shame + Encircles now thine head! + Thou'rt in the balance weigh'd, + And worthless found at last. + All! all! thou hast betray'd!"-- + And so the spirit pass'd. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. VI. + +[Illustration: + +ANIMAL MAGNETISM: + +SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.] + + * * * * * + + +SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH. + +PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY. + +This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced +before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final +decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present +term, + +COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues _in forma +pauperis_, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from +setting a hungry Scotchman--one of their own creatures, without local or +professional knowledge--over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal, +though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager +thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands +themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the +cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of +gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its +management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice +to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company, +in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with +an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the +office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functions--who had lived +and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these +functions--and by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who, +instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would +be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the +company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they +had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official +assignees. + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--What authorities can you cite for this application? + +COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather +adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of +this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs, +been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and +connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when +injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued +merely because it is the custom, or because it is an "old institution of +the country." + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--I am quite astonished at your broaching such +abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a +Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, 'tis marvellous! Mr. +Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a +contempt of court. + +COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, in that case I decline the honour of +addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged +in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult +added to terrible pecuniary punishment. + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--_Serve_ him right! We dismiss the application with +costs. + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE. + +Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the +chief tax must be upon the compiler's brain. We give the following as a +direct proof to the contrary--one that has the authority of Lord Hamlet, +who summed the matter up in three + + "Words! Words! Words!" + +In one column we give a common-place household and familiar term--in the +other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology: + + Does your mother know | Is your maternal parent's natural solicitude + you are out? | allayed by the information, that you have for + | the present vacated your domestic roof? + | + You don't lodge here, | You are geographically and statistically + Mr. Ferguson. | misinformed; this is by no means the + | accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr. + | Ferguson. + | + See! there he goes | Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one + with his eye out. | moiety of his visual organs! + | + Don't you wish you | Pray confess, are you not really particularly + may get it? | anxious to obtain the desired object? + | + More t'other. | Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely + | the entire extreme and the absolute reverse. + | + | + Quite different. | Dissimilar as the far-extended poles, or the + | deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark + | denizens of Sol's sultry plains and the fair + | rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow, + | melting with envy on the peerless breast of + | fair Circassia's ten-fold white-washed + | daughters. + | + Over the left. | Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister. + + * * * * * + + +From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of +Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in +turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an +_old Spencer_. + + * * * * * + + +As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that +have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the _reins_ of government. + + * * * * * + + +SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET. + +"COME OUT--WILL YOU!" + +The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has +been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity. +Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we +discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord +John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the +repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for +even _his_ powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the +curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and +scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by +numbers, he must "come out" at last, and yield the victory to his numerous +persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at +drawing a badger. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE + +(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.) + +The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties +are going about declaring--not that we put any faith in what they say--that +Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done +this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he +most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the +policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very +properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he +will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports +of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our +parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give +everything just as it reaches us. + + * * * * * + + +THE MONEY MARKET + +Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which +gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital. + +A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being +intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon +equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no +capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will +be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal +price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately. + +The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress +very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which +is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing +interests. + + * * * * * + + +SIGNS OF THE TIMES. + +The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded +with scaffolds! + + * * * * * + + +TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS. + +Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and +experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous +duties of "looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes." A ten years' +character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because +the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No +objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an +extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in. +Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street +Without. + + * * * * * + + +"It is very odd," said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, "that Tindal should +have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain +as A B C." "Yes," replied Thessiger, "but of what use is it that it should +have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?" + + * * * * * + + +CLEVER ROGUES. + +The _Belfast Vindicator_ has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for +threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as "a piece of +silver plate of beautiful workmanship," by which means he disposed of the +ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of +congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their "BOB," and having him +described as "a rare piece of vertu(e) _premiere qualite_" in the +expectation of securing a _crown_ by it. + + * * * * * + + +MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS. + +Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the +motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely +by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, _grown his own +mattresses_, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of +all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine +square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum. +The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy +chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a +pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M. +recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough +with a cat's-paw, and manure with Macassar. + + * * * * * + + +The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that +the more appropriate title for a _Stair_, in raising him a step higher, +would have been Lord _Landing-place_, or Viscount _Bannister_. + + * * * * * + + +LORD MELBOURNE'S LETTER-BAG. + +The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and +scrubbing-brushes are at a premium--a little anticipative, it is true, of +the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed +confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered +this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long +been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the +unfortunate _employes_ had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The +routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the +removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and +which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to +get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of +receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were +extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded +tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed +fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves. +They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man +must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:-- + + +1. + +MY LORD,--In the present critical state of your lordship's situation, it +behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to +assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your +lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in +Broad-street, St. Giles's, have long been held in high estimation by my +customers, for + +[Illustration: BEEF A-LA-MODE;] + +and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and +potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none. + +N.B. Please observe the address--Broad-street, St. Giles's. + + +2. + +A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful +part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate, +when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office. +Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to +backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel +delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbourne's acknowledged +gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is +generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny +points if he wished it. + +Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town. + + +3. + +Grosjean, Restaurateur, _Castle-street, Leicester-square_, a l'honneur de +prevenir Milord Melbourne qu'il se trouvera bien servi a son etablissement. +Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain a +discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement +avoir ses sacs souffles[4] pour un schilling. La societe est tres +comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au garcon. + + [4] French idiom--"He will be well able to blow his bags + out!"--PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the + show--the foreign gentleman. + + +4. + +(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the +bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.) + +Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves, + +My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to +the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me +night and day. How is the treasury?--can you still spare me ten shillings? +YOURS, + +AMANDA. + + +5. + +JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his +Bachelor's Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew, +steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the +same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for +_lamb_, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably +adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne +may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring. + +High Holborn. + + +6. + +May it plese my Lord,--i have gest time to Rite and let you kno' wot a sad +plite we are inn, On account off your lordship's inwitayshun to queen +Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is +nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok'd up with +the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old +cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold +meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers' markut-dinner; and may I +ask you my lord without fear of your + +[Illustration: TAKING A FENCE] + +on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to me--two pound will +be Enuff--or a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I +wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut +with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos they've come to Take pot-luck +like, they won't be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer +from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that +a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, won't keep no Time, unless +it's drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and +he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water; +and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish; +and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from + +Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper, + +MISSES RUMMIN. + + +7. + +MY LORD,--Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is +opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to +descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a +moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary +embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine, +which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordship's most +humble servant, + +RICHARD ROSE, + +Dealer in Marine Stores. + +Gray's-inn-lane. + + * * * * * + + +LAYS OF THE LAZY. + + I've wander'd on the distant shore, + I've braved the dangers of the deep, + I've very often pass'd the Nore-- + At Greenwich climb'd the well-known steep; + I've sometimes dined at Conduit House, + I've taken at Chalk Farm my tea, + I've at the Eagle talk'd with Rouse-- + But I have NOT _forgotten thee_! + + "I've stood amid the glittering throng" + Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair, + Where I have heard the Chinese gong + Filling, with brazen voice, the air. + I've join'd wild revellers at night-- + I've crouch'd beneath the old oak tree, + Wet through, and in a pretty plight, + But, oh! I've NOT _forgotten thee_! + + I've earn'd, at times, a pound a week-- + Alas! I'm earning nothing now; + Chalk scarcely shames my whiten'd cheek, + Grief has plough'd furrows in my brow. + I only get one meal a day, + And that one meal--oh, God!--my tea; + I'm wasting silently away, + But I have NOT _forgotten thee_! + + My days are drawing to their end-- + I've now, alas! no end in view; + I never had a real friend-- + I wear a worn-out black _surtout_, + My heart is darken'd o'er with woe, + My trousers whiten'd at the knee, + My boot forgets to hide my toe-- + But I have NOT _forgotten thee_! + + * * * * * + + +MATERNAL SOLICITUDE. + +The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of +admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to +general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has +occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of +Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been +constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a +similar purpose. + +[Illustration: FAMILIES SUPPLIED.] + + * * * * * + + +WIT WITHOUT MONEY: + +OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING. + +BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ + + +CHAPTER II. + +"A clever fellow, that Horseleech!" "When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a +great creature it is!" These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I +frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling +ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a +greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow, +is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or +held in, is a poor creature, not a great creature--opaque, not luminous--in +a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed. + +But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.--Hunger may be said to +be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are +sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverance--which +necessity will inevitably superinduce--the most dreary dullard that ever +carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily +convert himself into a seeming Sheridan--a substitutional Sydney Smith--a +second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline. + +Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle +of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all +plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since +quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise. + +The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say +groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to +luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who, +singling out "a friend," drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible +remnants of last Tuesday's joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his +host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle +there, on the part of the children, "to share the good man's knee;" but +protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately +upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their +miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly. + +To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal +diner-out. Lively with the light--airy with the sparkling--brilliant with +the blithe, he must also be grave with the serious--heavy with the +profound--solemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the +sentimental--to condole with the afflicted--to prove with the practical--to +be a theorist with the speculative. + +To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that +birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and +the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic +salt. + +I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitators--of that Joseph +and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls "_The_ Miller and his +men"--I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have +known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal +to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained. + +Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were +pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and +rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own +dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You +will be too witty--a fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their +own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will +now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed. + +When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time +is gone by for dwelling upon--"Dean Swift said"--"Quin, the actor, +remarked"--"The facetious Foote was once"--"That reminds me of what +Sheridan"--"Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day with"--and the +like. Your ha! ha!--especially should it precede the name of Sam +Rogers--would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be +changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. _Verbum sat_. + +I would have you be careful to _sort_ your pleasantries. Your soup jokes +(never hazard that one about Marshal _Turenne_, it is really _too_ +ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jests--your side-shakers for the +side dishes--your puns for the pastry--your after-dinner excruciators. + +Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck, which is +unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you sit down to table +with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of an inferior quality. Your +object is to make men laugh. It must be done. I have known a pathetic +passage, quoted timely and with a happy emphasis from a popular novel--say, +"Alice, or the Mysteries"--I have known it, I say, do more execution upon +the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the evening. +(There is one passage in that "thrilling" performance, where Alice, +overjoyed that her lover is restored to her, is represented as frisking +about him like a dog around his long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I +have taken it in hand, has been rewarded with the most vociferous and +gleesome laughter.) + +And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I know not +whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man, however stentorian his +lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a view to engage him as a +cachinnatory machine. A confederate may become a traitor--a rival he is +pretty certain of becoming. Besides, strive as you may, you can never +secure an altogether unexceptionable individual--one who will "go the whole +hyaena," and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he once start "lion" +on his own account, furnished with your original roar, with which you +yourself have supplied him, good-bye to your supremacy. "Farewell, my +trim-built wherry"--he is in the same boat only to capsise you. + + "And the first lion thinks the last a bore," + +and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work out your own +ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and is likely to be +formidable. + +I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future time. My space +at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as yet entered upon the +subject. + + * * * * * + + +LAM(B)ENTATIONS. + + Ye banks and braes o' Buckingham, + How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair, + When I am on my latest legs, + And may not bask amang ye mair! + And you, sweet maids of honour,--come, + Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn, + For your old flame must now depart, + Depart, oh! never to return! + + Oft have I roam'd o'er Buckingham, + From room to room, from height to height; + It was such pleasant exercise, + And gave me _such_ an appetite! + Yes! when the _dinner-hour_ arrived, + For me they never had to wait, + I was the first to take my chair, + And spread my ample napkin straight. + + And if they did not quickly come, + After the dinner-bell had knoll'd, + I just ran up my _private stairs_, + To say the things were getting cold! + But now, farewell, ye pantry steams, + (The sweets of premiership to me), + Ye gravies, relishes, and creams, + Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy! + + Full well I mind the days gone by,-- + 'Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine; + Then _John_ and _Pal_ sang o' _their_ luck, + And fondly sae sang I o' mine! + But now, how sad the scene, and changed! + _Johnny_ and _Pal_ are glad nae mair! + Oh! banks and braes o' Buckingham! + How _can_ you bloom sae fresh and fair! + + * * * * * + + +CHELSEA. + +(From our own Correspondent.) + +This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The steam-boats bring +down hundreds every day, and in the evening take them all back again. Mr. +Jones has engaged a lodging for the week, and other families are spoken of. +A ball is also talked about; but it is not yet settled who is to give it, +nor where it is to be given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very +general at the leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number +of persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged for the +season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more than one +musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the talented artist who +plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with his elbow, the triangle with +his shoulder, the bells with this head, and the Pan's pipes with his +mouth--thus uniting the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of +an individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have been +imported within the last few days, and there is every probability of this +pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable rival to the old-established +watering-places. + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +FOREIGN AFFAIRS, + +OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. + + +Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young gentlemen +who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given in marriage. At +all events, some conjecture of the sort is necessary to make the plot of +the piece we are noticing somewhat probable--that being the precise +circumstance upon which it hinges. The _Count St. Louis_, a youthful +_attache_ of the French embassy, becomes attached, by a marriage contract, +to _Lady Bell_, a maid of honour to Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of +a wife quite nineteen, would, according to the natural course of things, be +very considerably hen-pecked; and _St. Louis_, foreseeing this, determines +to begin. Well, he insists upon having "article five" of the marriage +contract cancelled; for, by this stipulation, he is to be separated from +his wife, on the evening of the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five +years. He storms, swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding +present of sugar-plums--everybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his +expense--the wife treats him with contempt, and plays the scornful. The +hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation, determines to prove himself +a man. + +At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy matter. _St. +Louis_ writes love-letters to several maids of honour and to a citizen's +wife, finishing the first act by invading the private apartments of the +maiden ladies belonging to the court of the chaste Queen Anne. + +The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order of the +Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by the love-letters +are hatching, by running into debt, and being surrounded by duns. The +intrigues are not long in coming to a head, for two ladies visit him +separately in secret, and allow themselves to be hid in those never-failing +adjuncts to a piece of dramatic intrigue--a couple of closets, which are +used exactly in the same manner in "Foreign Affairs," as in all the farces +within the memory of man--_ex. gr._:--The hero is alone; one lady enters +cautiously. A tender interchange of sentiment ensues--a noise is heard, and +the lady screams. "Ah! that closet!" Into which exit lady. Then enter lady +No. 2. A second interchange of tender things--another noise behind. "No +escape?" "None! and yet, happy thought, that closet." Exit lady No. 2, into +closet No. 2. + +This is exactly as it happens in "Foreign Affairs." The second noise is +made by the husband of one of the concealed ladies, and the lover of the +other. Here, out of the old "closet" materials, the dramatist has worked up +one of the best situations--to use an actor's word--we ever remember to +have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is really worth all the +money to go and see it. Let our readers do so. The "Affairs" end by the boy +fighting a couple of duels with the injured men; and thus, crowning the +proof of his manhood, gets his wife to tolerate--to love him. + +The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was admirably +acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured lovers--Mr. Strickland and Mrs. +Stirling, as a vulgar citizen and citizeness--by Miss P. Horton as _Lady +Bell_--and even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small part--that of a +barber--with great skill. Lastly, Madlle. Celeste, as the hero, acquitted +herself to admiration. We suppose the farce is called "Foreign Affairs" out +of compliment to this lady, who is the only "Foreign Affair" we could +discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated from the +French, which is, strictly, an affair of the author's. + + * * * * * + + +MARY CLIFFORD. + +If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and delicate +sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for scenery painted on +the spot, but like nothing in nature except canvas and colour--go to the +Victoria and see "Mary Clifford." It may, perhaps, startle you to learn +that the incidents are faithfully copied from the "Newgate Calendar," and +that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of apprentice-killing notoriety; but +be not alarmed, there is nothing horrible or revolting in the drama--it is +merely laughable. + +"Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl," is very appropriately +introduced to the auditor, first outside the gates of that "noble +charity-school," taking leave of some of her accidental companions. Here +sympathy is first awakened. Mary is just going out to "place," and instead +of saying "good bye," which we have been led to believe is the usual form +of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song with such heart-rending +expression, that everybody cries except the musicians and the audience. To +assist in this lachrymose operation, the girls on the stage are supplied +with clean white aprons--time out mind a charity-girl's +pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and Mrs. +Brownrigg's domestic arrangements, and are made acquainted with their +private characters--a fine stroke of policy on the part of the author; for +one naturally pities a poor girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the +corners of so many white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one +sees into whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family +are people of taste--peculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs. B. has a +taste for starving apprentices--her son, Mr. Jolin B., for seducing +them--and Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life, a pot of porter, and a pipe. +Into the bosom of this amiable family Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble +for her virtue and her meals! not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow +in commencing his gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary, +seeing that she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one +William Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker. +During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her "heart's master," the +journeyman baker. But there is another and more terrible invocation. In +classic plays they invoke "the gods"--in Catholic I ones, "the saints"--the +stage Arab appeals to "Allah"--the light comedian swears "by the lord +Harry"--but _Mary Clifford_ adds a new and impressive invocative to the +list. When young Brownrigg attempts to kiss, or his mother to flog her, she +casts her eyes upward, kneels, and placing her hands together in an +attitude of prayer, solemnly calls upon--"the governors of the Foundling +Hospital!!" Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems to produce +upon her persecutors! They release her instantly--they slink back abashed +and trembling--they hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a +clear stage for a soliloquy or a song. + +We really _must_ stop here, to point out to dramatic authors the importance +of this novel form of conjuration. When the history of Fauntleroy comes to +be dramatised, the lover will, of course, be a banker's clerk: in the +depths of distress and despair into which he will have to be plunged, a +prayer-like appeal to "the Governor and Company of the Bank of England," +will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience. The old +exclamations of "Gracious powers!"--"Great heavens!"--"By heaven, I swear!" +&c. &c., may now be abandoned; and, after "Mary Clifford," Bob Acres' +tasteful system of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the +tragic drama, but considerably augmented. + +But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really "go and tell" the +illustrious governors, she is kept a close prisoner, and finishes the first +act by a conspiracy with a fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape. + +Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12, Fetter-lane, +in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing, glazing, and pepper-line; +and, in the next act, a correct view is exhibited of the exterior of his +shop, painted, we are told, from the most indisputable authorities of the +time. Here, in Fetter, lane, the romance of the tale begins:--A lady +enters, who, being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked, +unquestioned, to tell the audience a story--how that she married in early +life--that her husband was pressed to sea a day or two after the +wedding--that she in due time became a mother, and (affectionate creature!) +left the dear little pledge at the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was +sixteen years ago. Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby +back again; but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that +her daughter has been just "put apprentice" in the very house before which +she tells the story--part of it as great a fib as ever was told; for +children once inside the walls of that "noble charity," never know who left +them there; and any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is +punished with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the +awful "governors." This lady, who bears all the romance of the piece upon +her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost husband at the Ship, in +Wapping, and instead of seeking her daughter, repairs thither, having done +all the author required, by emptying her budget of fibs. + +The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe it as _Mrs. +Brownrigg's_ "wash-house, kitchen, and skylight"--the sky-light forming a +most impressive object. Poor _Mary Clifford_ is chained to the floor, her +face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry. Here the +heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and stentorian +eloquence, but is interrupted by _Mr. Clipson_, whose face appears framed +and glazed in the broken sky-light. A pathetic dialogue ensues, and the +lover swears he will rescue his mistress, or "perish in the attempt," +"calling upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer," to make known her sufferings. +The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and _Toby Bensling_, alias _Richard +Clifford_, enters to inform his hearers that he is the missing father of +the injured foundling, and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short +voyage, lasting sixteen years! He is on his way to the "Admiralty," to +receive some pay--the more particularly, we imagine, as they always pay +sailors at Somerset House--and _then_ to look after his wife. But she saves +him the trouble by entering with _Mr. William Clipson_. The usual "Whom do +I see?"--"Can it be?"--"After so long an absence!" &c. &c., having been +duly uttered and begged to, they all go to see after _Mary_, find her in a +cupboard in Mrs. B.'s back-parlour, and--the act-drop falls. + +We must confess we approach a description of the third act with diffidence. +Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more sombre sound--ink of a +darker hue, than we can command. The third scene is, in particular, too +extravagantly touching for ordinary nerves to witness. _Mary Clifford_ is +in bed--French bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because such things +were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg) stands exactly in the +middle of the stage--a chest of drawers is placed behind, and a table on +each side, to balance the picture. The lover leans over the head, the +mother sits at the foot, the father stands at the side: _Mary Clifford_ is +insane, with lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is, +she has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse concerning +the great "governors," her cruel mistress, and her naughty young master, +interlarded with insane ejaculations, always considered stage property, +such as, "Ah, she comes!" "Nay, strike me not--I am guiltless!" Again, +"Villain! what do you take me for?--unhand me!" and all that. Then the +dying part comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that +she is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the +gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm fall +upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody says that +she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to be changed. + +In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. _Mrs. Brownrigg_, +having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in the condemned cell; her +son by her side, and the fatal cart in the back-ground. Having been brought +up genteelly, she declines the mode of conveyance provided for her journey +to Tyburn with the utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does +not seem to affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful "drag" she is +doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and the curtain +falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of an innocent audience. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 21, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14924.txt or 14924.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14924/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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