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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 21, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 21, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14924]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 21, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WIFE-CATCHERS.
+
+A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS.
+
+_In Four Chapters._
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+
+[Illustration: T]The conversation now subsided into "private and
+confidential" whispers, from which I could learn that Miss O'Brannigan had
+consented to quit her father's halls with Terence that very night, and,
+before the priest, to become his true and lawful wife.
+
+It had been previously understood that those of the guests who lived at a
+distance from the lodge should sleep there that night. Nothing could have
+been more favourable for the designs of the lovers; and it was arranged
+between them, that Miss Biddy was to steal from her chamber into the yard,
+at daybreak, and apprise her lover of her presence by flinging a handful of
+gravel against his window. Terence's horse was warranted to carry double,
+and the lady had taken the precaution to secure the key of the stable where
+he was placed.
+
+It was long after midnight before the company began to separate;--cloaks,
+shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug of punch of extra strength was
+compounded, and a _doch an dhurris_[1] of the steaming beverage
+administered to every individual before they were permitted to depart. At
+length the house was cleared of its guests, with the exception of those who
+were to remain and take beds there. Amongst the number were the haberdasher
+and your uncle. The latter was shown into a chamber in which a pleasant
+turf fire was burning on the hearth.
+
+    [1] A drink at the door;--a farewell cup.
+
+Although Terence's mind was full of sweet anticipations and visions of
+future grandeur, he could not avoid feeling a disagreeable sensation
+arising from the soaked state of his boots; and calculating that it still
+wanted three or four hours of daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and
+comfortable for his morning's adventure. With this intention he drew us
+off, and placed us on the hearth before the fire, and threw himself on the
+bed--not to sleep--he would sooner have committed suicide--but to meditate
+upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her thousand pounds.
+
+But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by circumstances--the ducking,
+the dancing, and the _potteen_, had so exhausted Terence, that he
+unconsciously shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell
+fast asleep, and dreamed of running away with the heiress on his back,
+through a shaking bog, in which he sank up to the middle at every step. His
+vision was, however, suddenly dispelled by a smart rattle against his
+window. A moment was sufficient to recall him to his senses--he knew it was
+Miss Biddy's signal, and, jumping from the bed, drew back the cotton
+window-curtains and peered earnestly out: but though the day had begun to
+break, it was still too dark to enable him to distinguish any person on the
+lawn. In a violent hurry he seized on your humble servant, and endeavoured
+to draw me on; but, alas! the heat of the fire had so shrank me from my
+natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to introduce his
+leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage to the further corner
+of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot into my companion, which had
+been reduced to the same shrunken state as myself. In vain he tugged,
+swore, and strained; first with one, and then with another, until the
+stitches in our sides grinned with perfect torture; the perspiration rolled
+down his forehead--his eyes were staring, his teeth set, and every nerve in
+his body was quivering with his exertions--but still he could not force us
+on.
+
+"What's to be done!" he ejaculated in despairing accents. A bright thought
+struck him suddenly, that he might find a pair of boots belonging to some
+of the other visitors, with which he might make free on so pressing an
+emergency. It was but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake,
+on the following day. With this idea he sallied from his room, and groped
+his way down stairs to find the scullery, where he knew the boots were
+deposited by the servant at night. This scullery was detached from the main
+building, and to reach it it was necessary to cross an angle of the yard.
+Terence cautiously undid the bolts and fastenings of the back door, and was
+stealthily picking his steps over the rough stones of the yard, when he was
+startled by a fierce roar behind him, and at the same moment the teeth of
+Towser, the great watch-dog, were fastened in his nether garments. Though
+very much alarmed, he concealed his feelings, and presuming on a slight
+previous intimacy with his assailant, he addressed him in a most familiar
+manner, calling him "poor fellow" and "old Towser," explained to him the
+ungentlemanly liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested him
+to let go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was,
+however, not to be talked out of his private notions; he foully suspected
+your uncle of being on no good design, and replied to every remonstrance he
+made with a growl and a shake, that left no doubt he would resort to more
+vigorous measures in case of opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for
+help, Terence was kept in this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death
+with cold and trembling with terror, until the morning was considerably
+advanced, when he was discovered by some of the servants, who released him
+from the guardianship of his surly captor. Without waiting to account for
+the extraordinary circumstances in which he had been found, he bolted into
+the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, and, locking the door, threw
+himself into a chair, overwhelmed with shame and vexation.
+
+But poor Terence's troubles were not half over. The beautiful heiress,
+after having discharged several volleys of sand and small pebbles against
+his window without effect, was returning to her chamber, swelling with
+indignation, when she was encountered on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no
+doubt prompted by the demon of jealousy, had been watching her movements.
+He could not have chosen a more favourable moment to plead his suit; her
+mortified vanity, and her anger at what she deemed the culpable
+indifference of her lover, made her eager to be revenged on him. It
+required, therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with
+the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in less than
+ten minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking the shortest road
+to the priest's.
+
+I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as soon as he
+learned the trick he had been served; he vowed to be the death of Tibbins,
+and it is probable he would have carried his threat into effect, if the
+haberdasher had not prudently kept out of his way until his anger had grown
+cool.
+
+"So," said I, addressing the narrator, "you lost the opportunity of
+figuring at Miss Biddy's wedding?"
+
+"Yes," replied the 'wife-catcher;' "but Terence soon retrieved his credit,
+for in less than three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we
+were legging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune
+and a prettier girl than the one he had lost: and, by-the-bye, that reminds
+me of a funny scene which took place when the bride came to throw the
+stocking--hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!"
+
+Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of laughter;
+while I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked gravely on, wondering
+when it would subside. Instead, however, of their laughter lessening, the
+cachinnations became so violent that I began to feel seriously alarmed.
+
+"My dear friends!" said I.
+
+"Hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!" shouted the pair.
+
+"This excessive mirth may be dangerous"--
+
+A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rolled from side to
+side on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put out my hand to support
+them, when a sense of acute pain made me suddenly withdraw it. I started,
+opened my eyes, and discovered that I had laid hold of the burning remains
+of the renowned "wife-catchers," which I had in my sleep placed upon the
+fire.
+
+As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient allies of our
+house, I resolved to record this strange adventure; but you know I never
+had much taste for writing, Jack, so I now confide the task to you. As he
+concluded, my uncle raised his tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a
+tear sparkling in his eye--a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the
+venerated "_Wife Catchers_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+  Wrote Paget to Pollen,
+    With face bright as brass,
+  "T'other day in the Town Hall
+    You mention'd an ass:
+
+  "Now, for family reasons,
+    I'd like much to know,
+  If on me you intended
+    That name to bestow?"
+
+  "My lord," says Jack Pollen,
+    "Believe me, ('tis true,)
+  I'd be sorry to slander
+    A donkey or you."
+
+  "Being grateful," says Paget,
+    "I'd ask you to lunch;
+  But just, Sir John, tell me.
+    Did you call me PUNCH?"
+
+  "In wit, PUNCH is equalled,"
+    Says Pollen, "by few;
+  In naming him, therefore,
+    I couldn't mean you,"
+
+  "Thanks! thanks! To bear malice,"
+    Save Paget, "I'm loath;
+  Two answers I've got, and I'm
+    Charm'd with them both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS.
+
+1.--THE CAUSE.
+
+  Lisette has lost her wanton wiles--
+    What secret care consumes her youth,
+  And circumscribes her smiles?--
+    _A spec on a front tooth!_
+
+
+2.--PRIDE.
+
+  Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and lords,
+    To steal a share of notoriety,
+  Will tell you, in important words,
+    He _mixes_ in the best society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN PRODUCE.
+
+We find, by the _Times_ of Saturday, the British _teasel_ crops in the
+parish of Melksham have fallen entirely to the ground, and from their
+appearance denote a complete failure. Another paragraph in the same paper
+speaks quite as discouragingly of the appearance of the American _Teazle_
+at the Haymarket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.--No. 2.
+
+THE ROYAL RHYTHMICAL ALPHABET,
+
+_To be said or sung by the Infant Princess._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A stands for ARISTOCRACY, a thing I should admire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+B stands for a BISHOP, who is clothed in soft attire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+C beginneth CABINET, where Mamma keeps her _tools_;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+D doth stand for DOWNING-STREET, the "Paradise of Fools;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+E beginneth ENGLAND, that granteth the supplies;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+F doth stand for FOREIGNERS, whom I should patronize;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+G doth stand for GOLD--good gold!--for which man freedom barters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+H beginneth HONORS--that is, ribbons, stars, and garters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I stands for my INCOME (several thousand pounds per ann.);
+
+[Illustration]
+
+J stands for JOHNNY BULL, a soft and easy kind of man;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+K beginneth KING, who rules the land by "right divine;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+L's for MRS. LILLY, who was once a nurse of mine.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M beginneth MELBOURNE, who rules _the roast_ and State;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+N stands for a NOBLEMAN, who's _always_ good and great.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O is for the OPERA, that I should only grace;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+P stands for the PENSION LIST, for "servants out of place."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Q's the QUARTER'S SALARY, for which true patriots long;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+R's for MRS. RATSEY, who taught _me_ this pretty song;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+S stands for the SPEECH, which Mummy learns to say;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+T doth stand for TAXES, which the people ought to pay;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+U's for the UNION WORK-HOUSE, which horrid paupers shun;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+V is for VICTORIA, "the Bess of forty-one;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+W stands for WAR, the "noble game" which Monarchs play;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+X is for the TREBLE X--Lilly drank three times a day;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And Y Z's for the WISE HEADS, who admire all I say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+A COMPLETE ENCYCLOP�DIA OF ALL THE REQUISITES, DECORATIVE, EDUCATIONAL, AND
+RECREATIVE, FOR GENTILITY.
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+A popular encyclop�dia of the requisites for gentility--a companion to the
+toilet, the _salons_, the Queen's Bench, the streets, and the
+police-stations, has long been felt to be a desideratum by every one
+aspiring to good-breeding. The few works which treat on the subject have
+all become as obselete as "hot cockles" and "crambo." "The geste of King
+Horne," the "[Greek: BASILIKON]" of King Jamie, "Peacham's Complete
+Gentleman," "The Poesye of princelye Practice," "Dame Juliana Berners' Book
+of St. Alban's," and "The Jewel for Gentrie," are now confined to
+bibliopoles and bookstalls. Even more modern productions have shared the
+same fate. "The Whole Duty of Man" has long been consigned to the
+trunk-maker, "Chesterfield's Letters" are now dead letters, and the "Young
+Man" lights his cigar with his "Best Companion." It is true, that in lieu
+of these, several works have emanated from the press, adapted to the change
+of manners, and consequently admirably calculated to supply their places.
+We need only instance "The Flash Dictionary," "The Book of Etiquette," "A
+Guide to the Kens and Cribs of London," "The whole Art of Tying the
+Cravat," and "The Hand-book of Boxing;" but it remains for us to remove the
+disadvantages which attend the acquirement of each of these noble arts and
+sciences in a detached form.
+
+The possessor of an inquiring and genteel mind has now to wander for his
+politeness to Paternoster-row[2]; to Pierce Egan, for his knowledge of men
+and manners; and to Owen Swift, for his knightly accomplishments, and
+exercises of chivalry.
+
+    [2] "Book of Etiquette." Longman and Co.
+
+We undertake to collect and condense these scattered radii into one
+brilliant focus, so that a gentleman, by reading his "own book," may be
+made acquainted with the best means of ornamenting his own, or disfiguring
+a policeman's, person--how to conduct himself at the dinner-table, or at
+the bar of Bow-street--how to turn a compliment to a lady, or carry on a
+chaff with a cabman.
+
+These are high and noble objects! A wider field for social elevation cannot
+well be imagined. Our plan embraces the enlightenment and refinement of
+every scion of a noble house, and all the junior clerks in the government
+offices--from the happy recipient of an allowance of 50� per month from
+"the Governor," to the dashing acceptor of a salary of thirty shillings a
+week from a highly-respectable house in the City--from the gentleman who
+occupies a suite of apartments in the Clarendon, to the lodger in the
+three-pair back, in an excessively back street at Somers Town.
+
+With these incentives, we will proceed at once to our great and glorious
+task, confident that our exertions will be appreciated, and obtain for us
+an introduction into the best circles.
+
+PRELUDE.
+
+We trust that our polite readers will commence the perusal of our pages
+with a pleasure equal to that which we feel in sitting down to write them;
+for they call up welcome recollections of those days (we are literary and
+seedy now!) when our coats emanated from the laboratory of Stultz, our
+pantaloons from Buckmaster, and our boots from Hoby, whilst our glossy
+beaver--now, alas! supplanted by a rusty goss--was fabricated by no less a
+thatcher than the illustrious Moore. They will remind us of our Coryphean
+conquests at the Opera--our triumphs in Rotten row--our dinners at Long's
+and the Clarendon--our nights at Offley's and the watch-house--our glorious
+runs with the Beaufort hounds, and our exhilarating runs from the sheriffs'
+officers--our month's sporting on the heathery moors, and our day rule when
+rusticating in the Bench!
+
+We are in "the sear and yellow leaf"--there is nothing green about us now!
+We have put down our seasoned hunter, and have mounted the winged Pegasus.
+The brilliant Burgundy and sparkling Hock no longer mantle in our glass;
+but Barclay's beer--nectar of gods and coalheavers--mixed with
+hippocrene--the Muses' "cold without"--is at present our only beverage. The
+grouse are by us undisturbed in their bloomy mountain covert. We are now
+content to climb Parnassus and our garret stairs. The Albany, that
+sanctuary of erring bachelors, with its guardian beadle, are to us but
+memories, for we have become the denizens of a roomy attic (ring the top
+bell twice), and are only saluted by an Hebe of all-work and our printer's
+devil!
+
+ON DRESS IN GENERAL.--_L'habit fait le moine_.--It has been laid down by
+Brummel, Bulwer, and other great authorities, that "the tailor makes the
+man;" and he would be the most daring of sceptics who would endeavour to
+controvert this axiom. Your first duty, therefore, is to place yourself in
+the hands of some distinguished schneider, and from him take out your
+patent of gentility--for a man with an "elegant coat" to his back is like a
+bill at sight endorsed with a good name; whilst a seedy or ill-cut garment
+resembles a protested note of hand labelled "No effects." It will also be
+necessary for you to consult "The Monthly Book of Fashions," and to
+imitate, as closely as possible, those elegant and artistical productions
+of the gifted _burin_, which show to perfection "What a piece of work is
+man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!" &c.--You must not
+consult your own ease and taste (if you have any), for nothing is so vulgar
+as to suit your convenience in these matters, as you should remember that
+you dress to please others, and not yourself. We have heard of some
+eccentric individuals connected with noble families, who have departed from
+this rule; but they invariably paid the penalty of their rashness, being
+frequently mistaken for men of intellect; and it should not be forgotten,
+that any exercise of the mind is a species of labour utterly incompatible
+with the perfect man of fashion.
+
+The confiding characters of tailors being generally acknowledged, it is
+almost needless to state, that the _faintest_ indication of seediness will
+be fatal to your reputation; and as a presentation at the Insolvent Court
+is equally fashionable with that of St. James, any squeamishness respecting
+your inability to pay could only be looked upon as a want of moral courage
+upon your part, and
+
+[Illustration: UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF A GENTLEMAN.]
+
+[The subject of _dress in particular_ will form the subject of our next
+chapter.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IF I HAD A THOUSAND A-YEAR.
+
+A BACHELOR'S LYRIC.
+
+  If I had a thousand a-year,
+    (How my heart at the bright vision glows!)
+  I should never be crusty or queer,
+    But all would be _couleur de rose_.
+  I'd pay all my debts, though _outr�_,
+    And of duns and embarrassments clear,
+  Life would pass like a bright summer day,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have such a spicy turn-out,
+    And a horse of such mettle and breed--
+  Whose points not a jockey should doubt,
+    When I put him at top of his speed.
+  On the foot-board, behind me to swing,
+    A tiger so small should appear,
+  All the nobs should protest "'twas the thing!"
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A villa I'd have near the Park,
+    From Town just an appetite-ride;
+  With fairy-like grounds, and a bark
+    O'er its miniature waters to glide.
+  There oft, 'neath the pale twilight star,
+    Or the moonlight unruffled and clear,
+  My meerschaum I'd smoke, or cigar,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have pictures and statues, with taste--
+    Such as ladies unblushing might view--
+  In my drawing and dining-rooms placed,
+    With many a gem of virt�.
+  My study should be an affair
+    The heart of a book-worm to cheer--
+  All compact, with its easy spring chair,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A cellar I'd have quite complete
+    With wines, so _recherch�_, well stored;
+  And jovial guests often should meet
+    Round my social and well-garnish'd board.
+  But I would have a favourite few,
+    To my heart and my friendship _more_ dear;
+  And I'd marry--I mustn't tell who--
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  With comforts so many, what more
+    Could I ask of kind Fortune to grant?
+  Humph! a few olive branches--say four--
+    As pets for my old maiden aunt.
+  Then, with health, there'd be nought to append.
+    To perfect my happiness here;
+  For the _utile et duloc_ would blend.
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MY UNCLE BUCKET.
+
+The Buckets are a large family! I am one of them--my uncle Job Bucket is
+another. We, the Buckets, are atoms of creation; yet we, the Buckets, are
+living types of the immensity of the world's inhabitants. We illustrate
+their ups and downs--their fulness and their emptiness--their risings and
+their falling--and all the several goods and ills, the world's denizens in
+general, and Buckets in particular, are undoubted heirs to.
+
+It hath ever been the fate of the fulness of one Bucket to guarantee the
+emptiness of another; and (mark the moral!) the rising Bucket is the
+richly-stored one; its sinking brother's attributes, like Gratiano's wit,
+being "an infinite deal of nothing." Hence the adoption of our name for the
+wooden utensils that have so aptly fished up this fact from the deep well
+of truth.
+
+There be certain rods that attract the lightning. We are inclined to think
+there be certain Buckets that invite kicking, and our uncle Job was one of
+them. He was birched at school for everybody but himself, for he never
+deserved it! He was plucked at college--because some practical joker placed
+a utensil, bearing his name, outside the door of the examining master, and
+our uncle Job Bucket being unfortunately present, laughed at the consequent
+abrasion of his, the examining master's, shins. He was called to the bar.
+His first case was, "Jane Smith _versus_ James Smith" (no relations). His
+client was the female. She had been violently assaulted. He mistook the
+initial--pleaded warmly for the opposing Smith, and glowingly described the
+disgraceful conduct of the veriest virago a legal adviser ever had the pain
+of speaking of. The verdict was, as he thought, on his side. The lady
+favoured him with a living evidence of all the attributes he was pleased to
+invent for her benefit, and left him with a proof impression of her nails
+upon his face, carrying with her, by way of _souvenir_, an ample portion of
+the skin thereof. Had the condensed heels of all the horses whose
+subscription hairs were wrought into his wig, with one united effort
+presented him with a kick in his abdominals, he could not have been more
+completely "knocked out of time" than he was by the mistake of those cursed
+initials. "_What about Smith?_" sent him out of court! At length he
+
+  "Cursed the bar, and declined."
+
+He next turned his attention to building. Things went on swimmingly during
+the erection--so did the houses when built. The proprietorship of the
+ground was disputed--our uncle Job had paid the wrong person. The buildings
+were knocked down (by Mr. Robins), and the individual who had benefited by
+the suppositionary ownership of the acres let on the building lease "bought
+the lot," and sent uncle Job a peculiarly well-worded legal notice,
+intimating, "his respectable presence would, for the future, approximate to
+a nuisance and trespass, and he (Job) would be proceeded against as the
+statutes directed, if guilty of the same."
+
+It is impossible to follow him through all his various strivings to do
+well: he commenced a small-beer brewery, and the thunder turned it all into
+vinegar; he tried vinegar, and nothing on earth could make it sour; he
+opened a milk-walk, and the parish pump failed; he invented a waterproof
+composition--there was fourteen weeks of drought; he sold his patent for
+two-and-sixpence, and had the satisfaction of walking home for the next
+three months wet through, from his gossamer to his _ci-devant_ Wellingtons,
+now literally, from their hydraulic powers, "_pumps_."
+
+He lost everything but his heart! And uncle Bucket was all heart! a red
+cabbage couldn't exceed it in size, and, like that, it seemed naturally
+predestined to be everlastingly in a pickle! Still it was a heart! You were
+welcomed to his venison when he had it--his present saveloy was equally at
+your service. He must have been remarkably attached to facetious elderly
+poultry of the masculine gender, as his invariable salute to the tenants of
+his "heart's core" was, "How are you, my jolly old cock?" Coats became
+threadbare, and defunct trousers vanished; waistcoats were never replaced;
+gossamers floated down the tide of Time; boots, deprived of all hope of
+future renovation by the loss of their _soles_, mouldered in obscurity; but
+the clear voice and chuckling salute were changeless as the statutes of the
+Medes and Persians, the price and size of penny tarts, or the accumulating
+six-and-eightpences gracing a lawyer's bill.
+
+Poor uncle Job Bucket's fortune had driven "him down the rough tide of
+power," when first and last we met; all was blighted save the royal heart;
+and yet, with shame we own the truth, we blushed to meet him. Why? ay, why?
+We own the weakness!--the heart, the goodly heart, was almost cased in
+rags!
+
+"Puppy!"
+
+Right, reader, right; we were a puppy. Lash on, we richly deserve it! but,
+consider the fearful influence of worn-out cloth! Can a long series of
+unchanging kindness balance patched elbows? are not cracked boots receipts
+in full for hours of anxious love and care? does not the kindness of a life
+fade "like the baseless fabric of a vision" before the withering touch of
+poverty's stern stamp? Have you ever felt--
+
+"Eh? what? No--stuff! Yes, yes--go on, go on."
+
+We will!--we blushed for our uncle's coat! His heart, God bless it, never
+caused a blush on the cheek of man, woman, child, or even angel, to rise
+for that. We will confess. Let's see, we are sixty now (we don't look so
+much, but we are sixty). Well, be it so. We were handsome once--is this
+vanity at sixty? if so, our grey hairs are a hatchment for the past. We
+were "swells once!--hurrah!--we were!" Stop, this is indecent--let us be
+calm--our action was like the proceeding of the denuder of well-sustained
+and thriving pigs, he who deprives them of their extreme obesive
+selvage--_vulgo_, "_we cut it fat_." Bond-street was cherished by our
+smile, and Ranelagh was rendered happy by the exhibition of our symmetry.
+Behold us hessianed in our haunts, touching the tips of well-gloved fingers
+to our passing friends; then fancy the opening and shutting of our back,
+just as Lord Adolphus Nutmeg claimed the affinity of "kid to kid," to find
+our other hand close prisoner made by our uncle Bucket.
+
+"How are you, old cock?"
+
+"Who's that, eh?"
+
+"A lunatic, my lord (what lies men tell!), and dangerous!"
+
+"Good day! [_Exit my lord_]. This way." We followed our uncle--the end of a
+blind alley gave us a resting-place.
+
+"Bravo!" exclaimed our uncle Bucket, "this is rare! I live here--dine with
+me!"
+
+A mob surrounded us--we acquiesced, in hopes to reach a place of shelter.
+
+"All right!" exclaimed he of the maternal side, "stand three-halfpence for
+your feed."
+
+We shelled the necessary out--he dived into a baker's shop--the mob
+increased--he hailed us from the door.
+
+"Thank God, this is your house, then."
+
+"Only my kitchen. Lend a hand!"
+
+A dish of steaming baked potatoes, surmounted by a fractional rib of
+consumptive beef, was deposited between the lemon-coloured receptacles of
+our thumbs and fingers--an outcry was raised at the court's end--we were
+almost mad.
+
+"Turn to the right--three-pair back--cut away while it's warm, and make
+yourself at home! I'll come with the beer!"
+
+We wished our _I_ had been in that bier! We rushed out--the gravy basted
+our _pants_, and greased our hessians! Lord Adolphus Nutmeg appeared at the
+entrance of the court. As we proceeded to our announced
+destination,--"Great God!" exclaimed his lordship, "the Bedlamite has
+bitten him!" A peal of laughter rang in our ears--we rushed into the wrong
+room, and our uncle Job Bucket picked us, the shattered dish, the reeking
+potatoes, and dislodged beef, from the inmost recesses of a wicker-cradle,
+where, spite the thumps and entreaties of a distracted parent, we were all
+engaged in overlaying a couple of remarkably promising twins! We can say no
+more on this frightful subject. But--
+
+  "Once again we met!"
+
+Our pride wanted cutting, and fate appeared determined to perform the
+operation with a jagged saw!
+
+Tom Racket died! His disease was infectious, and we had been the last
+person to call upon him, consequently we were mournful. Thick-coming
+fancies brooded in our brain--all things conspired against us; the day was
+damp and wretched--the church-bells emulated each other in announcing the
+mortalities of earth's bipeds--each _toll'd_ its tale of death. We thought
+upon our "absent friend." A funeral approached. We were still more gloomy.
+Could it be his? if so, what were his thoughts? Could ghosts but speak,
+what would he say? The coffin was coeval with us--sheets were rubicund
+compared to our cheeks. A low deep voice sounded from its very bowels--the
+words were addressed to us--they were, "Take no notice; it's the first
+time; it will soon be over!"
+
+"Will it?" we groaned.
+
+"Yes. I'm glad you know me. I'll tell you more when I come back."
+
+"Gracious powers! do you expect to return?"
+
+"Certainly! We'll have a screw together yet! There's room for us both in my
+place. I'll make you comfortable."
+
+The cold perspiration streamed from us. Was there ever anything so awful!
+Here was an unhappy subject threatening to call and see us at night, and
+then screw us down and make us comfortable.
+
+"Will you come?" exclaimed the dead again.
+
+"Never!" we vociferated with fearful energy.
+
+"Then let it alone; I didn't think you'd have cut me now; but wait till I
+show you my face."
+
+Horror of horrors!--the pall moved--a long white face peered from it. We
+gasped for breath, and only felt new life when we recognised our uncle Job
+Bucket, as the author of the conversation, and one of the bearers of the
+coffin! He had turned mute!--but that was a failure--no one ever died in
+his parish after his adopting that profession!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+He has been seen once since in the backwoods of America. His fate seemed
+still to follow him, and his good temper appeared immortal--his situation
+was more peculiar than pleasant. He was seated on a log, three hundred
+miles from any civilised habitation, smiling blandly at a broken axe (his
+only one), the half of which was tightly grasped in his right hand,
+pointing to the truant iron in the trunk of a huge tree, the first of a
+thriving forest of fifty acres he purposed felling; and, thus occupied, a
+solitary traveller passed our uncle Job Bucket, serene as the melting
+sunshine, and thoughtless as the wild insect that sported round the owner
+"of the lightest of light hearts."--PEACE BE WITH HIM.   FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.
+
+A gentleman of the name of Stuckey has discovered a new filtering process,
+by which "a stream from a most impure source may be rendered perfectly
+translucent and fit for all purposes." In the name of our rights and
+liberties! in the name of Judy and our country! we call upon the proper
+authorities to have this invaluable apparatus erected in the lobby of the
+House of Commons, and so, by compelling every member to submit to the
+operation of filtration, cleanse the house from its present accumulation of
+corruption, though we defy Stuckey himself to give it _brightness_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A THING UNFIT TO A(P)PEAR.
+
+  New honours heaped on _rou�_ Segrave's name!
+  A cuckold's horn is then the trump of fame.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+EXTERNAL EXHIBITIONS.
+
+
+Under this head it is our intention, from time to time, to revert to
+numberless free exhibitions, which, in this advancement-of-education age,
+have been magnanimously founded with a desire to inculcate a knowledge of,
+and disseminate, by these liberal means, an increased taste for the arts in
+this vast metropolis. We commence not with any feelings of favouritism, nor
+in any order of ability, our pleasures being too numerously divided to be
+able to settle as to which ought to be No. 1, but because it is necessary
+to commence--consequently we would wish to settle down in company with the
+amiable reader in front of a tobacconist's shop in the Regent Circus,
+Piccadilly; and as the principal attractions glare upon the astonishment of
+the spectators from the south window, it is there in imagination that we
+are irresistibly fixed. Before we dilate upon the delicious peculiarities
+of the exhibition, we deem it absolutely a matter of justice to the
+noble-hearted patriot who, imitative of the Greeks and Athenians of old,
+who gave the porticoes of their public buildings, and other convenient
+spots, for the display of their artists' productions, has most generously
+appropriated the chief space of his shop front to the use and advantage of
+the painter, and has thus set a bright example to the high-minded havannah
+merchants and contractors for cubas and c'naster, which we trust will not
+be suffered to pass unobserved by them.
+
+The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which enchain the
+beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman (_par excellence_)
+seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel style of ease, the envy, we venture to
+affirm, of every omnibus cad and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot
+afford them occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest
+cigar in the shop--not only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us not,
+but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has, moreover, by some
+extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence, made him typical of the
+locality--we allude to the Bull-and-Mouth--seated at a table evidently made
+and garnished for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the
+act of drinking his own health, or that of "all absent friends," probably
+coupling with it some little compliment to a favourite dog, one of the true
+Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon breed, who appears to be paying suitable
+attention. A huge pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon
+the ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this
+spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us
+immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and executed
+with that characteristic attention so observable in the works of this
+master[3], and that the fruit-knife, fork, cork-screw, decanter, and
+chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the _Art Union_ would have it), are truly
+excellent. The only drawback upon the originality of the subject is the
+handkerchief on the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any
+other portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as it
+may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of Sir Thomas
+Lawrence's portrait of George the Fourth; nevertheless, we in part excuse
+this, from the known difficulty attendant upon the representation of a
+gentleman seated in enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without
+associating it with a veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his
+"Sunday out," may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower tenements
+in Belgrave-square, or some such _locale_, paying violent attentions to the
+housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated with the order of the handkerchief,
+to preserve his crimson plush in all its glowing purity. We cannot take
+leave of this interesting work without declaring our opinion that the
+composition (of the frame) is highly creditable.
+
+    [3] We have forgotten the artist's name--perhaps never knew it; but
+        we believe it is the same gentleman who painted the great
+        author of "Jack Sheppard."
+
+Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a representation
+of a young lady, as seen when presenting a full-blown flower to a favourite
+parrot. There is a delicate simplicity in the attitude and expression of
+the damsel, which, though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous
+figures of Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of
+ladies many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever
+mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affections--a feline
+companion--may be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely skewered, in
+advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been careful to retain to
+eminent success. We are, nevertheless, woefully at a loss to divine what
+the allegory can possibly be (for as such we view it), what the analogy
+between a pretty poll and a pol-yanthus. We are unlearned in the language
+of flowers, or, perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral
+discussion. We are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of
+freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of
+communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the meantime
+we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the work as a
+general whole--the young lady--the parrot--the polyanthus, and the
+chiaro-scuro, are as excellent as usual in this our most amusing painter's
+productions.
+
+As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a young
+gentleman upon a half-holiday--and, equipped with cricket means, his
+dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the left arm gracefully
+encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown a genuine "Duke." The
+sentiment of this picture is unparalleled, and to the young hero of any
+parish eleven is given a stern expression of Lord's Marylebone ground. We
+can already (aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future
+generation of cricketers, "shoulder his bat, and show how games were won."
+The bat is well drawn and coloured with much truth, and with that strict
+observance of harmony which is so characteristic of the excellences of art.
+The artist has felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with
+that of the young gentleman's head. As to the ball, we do not recollect
+ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old masters so true to
+nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the jacket, and the button-holes,
+companions thereto, would baffle the criticism of the most hyper-fastidious
+stab-rag; and the shirt collar, with every other detail--never forgetting
+the chiaro-scuro--are equal to any of the preceding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.
+
+We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals extraordinary, with
+which we had intended to favour the public, when the following bill reached
+us. We feel that its contents partake so strongly of what we had heretofore
+conceived the exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of
+plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we have
+resolved to give insertion to both.
+
+As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our _collaborateurs_ the
+preference.
+
+_Red Lion Court, Fleet Street._
+
+SIR,--Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give publicity to
+this bill, by _placing it in some conspicuous part of your Establishment_.
+The success of the undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at
+large, that I fear not your compliance in so good a cause.
+
+I am, Sir, your's very obediently,
+C. MITCHELL
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre, established for
+the full encouragement of English Living Dramatists._
+
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+
+The generous National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a Free Stage and Fair Play." The
+Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre seek to achieve both, for every
+English Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the _Law_, to present
+on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM (in effecting
+which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those elements of human nature,
+which must constitute the essential principles of every genuine Dramatic
+Production), they hope for such kind consideration as may be due to a work
+brought forward in obedient accordance with the regulations of _Acts of
+Parliament_, though labouring thereby under some consequent difficulties;
+the _Law_ for the Small Theatres Royal, and the _Law_ for the Large
+Theatres Royal, _not_ being one and the same _Law_. If, by these efforts, a
+beneficial alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic
+Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest class of
+Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the Public will
+Participate in their Triumph.
+
+On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the First Time,
+
+(_Interspersed with Songs and Music_).
+
+MARTINUZZI.
+
+BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ.
+
+Taken by him from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, _The Hungarian
+Daughter_.
+
+The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical arrangement the _Law_
+may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE.
+
+The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable qualities of the
+Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"Worthy of _the Stage_ in its best days."--The Courier.
+
+"Effective situations; if well acted, it _could not fail of
+success_."--_New Bell's Messenger_.
+
+"The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen on Mr. Stephens,
+for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works of modern dramatists, the
+truthful delineations of human passion, the chaste and splendid imagery,
+and continuous strain of fine poetry to be found in _The Hungarian
+Daughter_."--_Cambridge Journal_.
+
+"Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The Poet has availed
+himself of every tragic point, and brought together every element; nor,
+with the exception, of Mr. Knowles's _Love_, has there been a single Drama,
+within the last four years, presented on _the Stage_ at all
+comparable."--_Monthly Magazine_.
+
+After which will be performed, also for the First Time, An Original
+Entertainment in One Act, Entitled
+
+THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET!
+
+By the Author of _Jacob Faithful_, _Peter Simple_, _&c. &c._
+
+No Orders admitted.--No Free List, the Public Press excepted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now for _our_ penny trumpet.
+
+THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+
+READER,--Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to give publicity to
+the following announcement, _by buying up and distributing among your
+friends the whole of the unsold copies of this number_. The success of this
+undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, and of so
+little benefit to ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a
+cause.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+PUNCH.
+
+
+VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+PERIPATETIC,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association established for the
+full encouragement of Timber Actors and Wooden-headed Dramatists_.
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC;
+
+OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET,
+
+The general National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a blind alley, and no Fantoccini."
+Compelled by the New Police Act to move on, and so present our high tragic
+composition by small instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard
+has been had--_This parenthesis to be continued in our next_), we hope for
+such kind consideration as may be due, when it is remembered that the _law_
+for the _out-door_ PUNCH and the _law_ for the _in-door_ PUNCH is not one
+and the same _law_. Oh, law!
+
+On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be presented,
+
+(_Interspersed with Drum and Mouth Organ_),
+
+PUNCHINUZZI,
+
+BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ.
+
+Taken from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, "PUNCH NUTS UPON
+HIMSELF."
+
+The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of _Punchinuzzi_, are
+selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"This ere play 'ud draw at ony fare."--_The late Mr. Richardson_.
+
+"This happy poetic drama would be certain to command crowded and elegant
+_courts_."--_La Belle Assembl�e_.
+
+"We have read _Punchinuzzi_, and we fearlessly declare that the mantle of
+that metropolitan bard, the late Mr. William Waters, has descended upon the
+gifted author."--_Observer_.
+
+"Worthy of the _streets_ in their best days."--_Fudge_.
+
+No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WHIGS' LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE QUEEN
+
+It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the opportunity
+presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of laying before his
+readers a copy of the original draft of the Speech decided upon at a late
+Cabinet Council. There is a novelty about it which pre-eminently
+distinguishes it from all preceding orations from the throne or the
+woolsack, for it has a purpose, and evinces much kind consideration on the
+part of the Sovereign, in rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as
+grateful as possible to its surviving friends and admirers.
+
+There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins, combined with the
+rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout the oration. Indeed, it
+remained for the Whigs to add this crowning triumph to their policy; for
+who but Melbourne and Co. would have conceived the happy idea of converting
+the mouth of the monarch into an organ for puffing, and transforming
+Majesty itself into a _National Advertiser_?
+
+
+THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the invaluable
+    policy of my present talented and highly disinterested advisers, I
+    continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of their
+    amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my elegant
+    and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and of
+    their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the rest
+    of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet.
+
+    The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most
+    pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy
+    Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for
+    Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement
+    arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and
+    their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this
+    happy country.
+
+    I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute
+    diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary
+    of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and
+    complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing
+    his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy
+    justice of commemorating, by a _f�te_ and inauguration at Boulogne,
+    the disinclination of the French, at a former period, to invade the
+    British dominions.
+
+
+    GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
+
+    I have directed the _estimates for the next fortnight_ to be laid
+    before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply
+    sufficient for the exigencies of my _present_ disinterested
+    advisers.
+
+    The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor of
+    the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in
+    reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure
+    of the state.
+
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the
+    admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial
+    Department, and the brilliant author of "Don Carlos," for the
+    prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of the
+    present extravagant dietary of the Unions.
+
+    I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in
+    progress, by which it is proposed by my _non_-patronage Ministers
+    to call into requisition the talents of several literary
+    gentlemen--all intimate friends or relations of my deeply erudite
+    and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home
+    Department, and author of "Yes and No," (three vols. Colburn) for
+    the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and writing, and
+    the encouragement of circulating libraries all over the kingdom.
+
+    My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the
+    Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited "Essays by
+    a gentleman who has lately left his lodgings," totally changed his
+    opinions on the subject of the Corn Laws, a measure is in the
+    course of preparation with a view to the repeal of those laws, and
+    the continuance in office of my invaluable, tenacious, and
+    incomparable ministry.
+
+CAUTION.--We have just heard from a friend in Somerset House, that it is
+the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps, from the glaring puffs
+embodied in the above speech, to proceed for the advertisement duty against
+all newspapers in which it is inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully
+pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name, that he
+spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZAR'S FEAST.
+
+[Illustration: OLD GLORY'S WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE
+DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.]
+
+Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and
+enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general
+indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their
+master's shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to
+the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and
+his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he
+had forsaken his old party and joined Peel's, the "tops" magnanimously
+decided to forsake him, and force him to take to--Wellingtons. We have been
+favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the
+occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.
+
+In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the
+circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous's feast, which strongly
+remind us of Byron's Vision of Belshazzar.
+
+  Burdett was in the chair--
+    The Tories throng'd the hall--
+  A thousand lamps were there,
+    O'er that mad festival.
+  His crystal cup contain'd
+    The grape-blood of the Rhine;
+  Draught after draught he drain'd,
+    To drown his thoughts in wine.
+
+  In that same hour and hall
+    A shade like "Glory" came,
+  And wrote upon the wall
+    The records of his shame.
+  And at its fingers traced
+    The words, as with a wand,
+  The traitorous and debased
+    Upraised his palsied hand.
+
+  And in his chair he shook,
+    And could no more rejoice;
+  All bloodless wax'd his look,
+    And tremulous his voice.
+  "What words are those appear,
+    To mar my fancied mirth!
+  What bringeth 'Glory' here
+    To tell of faded worth?"
+
+  "False renegade! thy name
+    Was once the star which led
+  The free; but, oh! what shame
+    Encircles now thine head!
+  Thou'rt in the balance weigh'd,
+    And worthless found at last.
+  All! all! thou hast betray'd!"--
+    And so the spirit pass'd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. VI.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ANIMAL MAGNETISM:
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.
+
+PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY.
+
+This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced
+before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final
+decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present
+term,
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues _in form�
+pauperis_, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from
+setting a hungry Scotchman--one of their own creatures, without local or
+professional knowledge--over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal,
+though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager
+thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands
+themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the
+cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of
+gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its
+management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice
+to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company,
+in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with
+an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the
+office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functions--who had lived
+and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these
+functions--and by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who,
+instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would
+be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the
+company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they
+had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official
+assignees.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--What authorities can you cite for this application?
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather
+adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of
+this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs,
+been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and
+connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when
+injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued
+merely because it is the custom, or because it is an "old institution of
+the country."
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--I am quite astonished at your broaching such
+abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a
+Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, 'tis marvellous! Mr.
+Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a
+contempt of court.
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, in that case I decline the honour of
+addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged
+in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult
+added to terrible pecuniary punishment.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--_Serve_ him right! We dismiss the application with
+costs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE.
+
+Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the
+chief tax must be upon the compiler's brain. We give the following as a
+direct proof to the contrary--one that has the authority of Lord Hamlet,
+who summed the matter up in three
+
+  "Words! Words! Words!"
+
+In one column we give a common-place household and familiar term--in the
+other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology:
+
+  Does your mother know | Is your maternal parent's natural solicitude
+  you are out?          | allayed by the information, that you have for
+                        | the present vacated your domestic roof?
+                        |
+  You don't lodge here, | You are geographically and statistically
+  Mr. Ferguson.         | misinformed; this is by no means the
+                        | accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr.
+                        | Ferguson.
+                        |
+  See! there he goes    | Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one
+  with his eye out.     | moiety of his visual organs!
+                        |
+  Don't you wish you    | Pray confess, are you not really particularly
+  may get it?           | anxious to obtain the desired object?
+                        |
+  More t'other.         | Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely
+                        | the entire extreme and the absolute reverse.
+                        |
+                        |
+  Quite different.      | Dissimilar as the far-extended poles, or the
+                        | deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark
+                        | denizens of Sol's sultry plains and the fair
+                        | rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow,
+                        | melting with envy on the peerless breast of
+                        | fair Circassia's ten-fold white-washed
+                        | daughters.
+                        |
+  Over the left.        | Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of
+Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in
+turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an
+_old Spencer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that
+have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the _reins_ of government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET.
+
+"COME OUT--WILL YOU!"
+
+The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has
+been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity.
+Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we
+discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord
+John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the
+repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for
+even _his_ powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the
+curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and
+scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by
+numbers, he must "come out" at last, and yield the victory to his numerous
+persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at
+drawing a badger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE
+
+(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.)
+
+The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties
+are going about declaring--not that we put any faith in what they say--that
+Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done
+this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he
+most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the
+policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very
+properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he
+will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports
+of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our
+parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give
+everything just as it reaches us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MONEY MARKET
+
+Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which
+gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital.
+
+A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being
+intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon
+equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no
+capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will
+be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal
+price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately.
+
+The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress
+very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which
+is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing
+interests.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded
+with scaffolds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS.
+
+Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and
+experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous
+duties of "looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes." A ten years'
+character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because
+the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No
+objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an
+extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in.
+Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street
+Without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It is very odd," said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, "that Tindal should
+have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain
+as A B C." "Yes," replied Thessiger, "but of what use is it that it should
+have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLEVER ROGUES.
+
+The _Belfast Vindicator_ has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for
+threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as "a piece of
+silver plate of beautiful workmanship," by which means he disposed of the
+ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of
+congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their "BOB," and having him
+described as "a rare piece of vertu(e) _premi�re qualit�_" in the
+expectation of securing a _crown_ by it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS.
+
+Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the
+motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely
+by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, _grown his own
+mattresses_, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of
+all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine
+square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum.
+The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy
+chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a
+pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M.
+recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough
+with a cat's-paw, and manure with Macassar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that
+the more appropriate title for a _Stair_, in raising him a step higher,
+would have been Lord _Landing-place_, or Viscount _Bannister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE'S LETTER-BAG.
+
+The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and
+scrubbing-brushes are at a premium--a little anticipative, it is true, of
+the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed
+confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered
+this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long
+been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the
+unfortunate _employ�s_ had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The
+routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the
+removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and
+which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to
+get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of
+receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were
+extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded
+tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed
+fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves.
+They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man
+must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:--
+
+
+1.
+
+MY LORD,--In the present critical state of your lordship's situation, it
+behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to
+assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your
+lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in
+Broad-street, St. Giles's, have long been held in high estimation by my
+customers, for
+
+[Illustration: BEEF A-LA-MODE;]
+
+and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and
+potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none.
+
+N.B. Please observe the address--Broad-street, St. Giles's.
+
+
+2.
+
+A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful
+part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate,
+when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office.
+Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to
+backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel
+delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbourne's acknowledged
+gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is
+generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny
+points if he wished it.
+
+Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.
+
+
+3.
+
+Grosjean, Restaurateur, _Castle-street, Leicester-square_, a l'honneur de
+pr�venir Milord Melbourne qu'il se trouvera bien servi � son �tablissement.
+Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain �
+discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement
+avoir ses sacs souffl�s[4] pour un schilling. La soci�t� est tr�s
+comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au gar�on.
+
+    [4] French idiom--"He will be well able to blow his bags
+        out!"--PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the
+        show--the foreign gentleman.
+
+
+4.
+
+(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the
+bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)
+
+Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,
+
+My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to
+the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me
+night and day. How is the treasury?--can you still spare me ten shillings?
+YOURS,
+
+AMANDA.
+
+
+5.
+
+JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his
+Bachelor's Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew,
+steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the
+same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for
+_lamb_, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably
+adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne
+may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.
+
+High Holborn.
+
+
+6.
+
+May it plese my Lord,--i have gest time to Rite and let you kno' wot a sad
+plite we are inn, On account off your lordship's inwitayshun to queen
+Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is
+nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok'd up with
+the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old
+cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold
+meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers' markut-dinner; and may I
+ask you my lord without fear of your
+
+[Illustration: TAKING A FENCE]
+
+on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to me--two pound will
+be Enuff--or a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I
+wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut
+with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos they've come to Take pot-luck
+like, they won't be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer
+from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that
+a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, won't keep no Time, unless
+it's drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and
+he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water;
+and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish;
+and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from
+
+Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,
+
+MISSES RUMMIN.
+
+
+7.
+
+MY LORD,--Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is
+opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to
+descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a
+moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary
+embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine,
+which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordship's most
+humble servant,
+
+RICHARD ROSE,
+
+Dealer in Marine Stores.
+
+Gray's-inn-lane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAYS OF THE LAZY.
+
+  I've wander'd on the distant shore,
+    I've braved the dangers of the deep,
+  I've very often pass'd the Nore--
+    At Greenwich climb'd the well-known steep;
+  I've sometimes dined at Conduit House,
+    I've taken at Chalk Farm my tea,
+  I've at the Eagle talk'd with Rouse--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  "I've stood amid the glittering throng"
+    Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,
+  Where I have heard the Chinese gong
+    Filling, with brazen voice, the air.
+  I've join'd wild revellers at night--
+    I've crouch'd beneath the old oak tree,
+  Wet through, and in a pretty plight,
+    But, oh! I've NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  I've earn'd, at times, a pound a week--
+    Alas! I'm earning nothing now;
+  Chalk scarcely shames my whiten'd cheek,
+    Grief has plough'd furrows in my brow.
+  I only get one meal a day,
+    And that one meal--oh, God!--my tea;
+  I'm wasting silently away,
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  My days are drawing to their end--
+    I've now, alas! no end in view;
+  I never had a real friend--
+    I wear a worn-out black _surtout_,
+  My heart is darken'd o'er with woe,
+    My trousers whiten'd at the knee,
+  My boot forgets to hide my toe--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.
+
+The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of
+admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to
+general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has
+occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of
+Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been
+constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a
+similar purpose.
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIES SUPPLIED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WIT WITHOUT MONEY:
+
+OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.
+
+BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+"A clever fellow, that Horseleech!" "When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a
+great creature it is!" These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I
+frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling
+ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a
+greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow,
+is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or
+held in, is a poor creature, not a great creature--opaque, not luminous--in
+a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed.
+
+But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.--Hunger may be said to
+be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are
+sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverance--which
+necessity will inevitably superinduce--the most dreary dullard that ever
+carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily
+convert himself into a seeming Sheridan--a substitutional Sydney Smith--a
+second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline.
+
+Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle
+of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all
+plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since
+quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise.
+
+The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say
+groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to
+luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who,
+singling out "a friend," drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible
+remnants of last Tuesday's joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his
+host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle
+there, on the part of the children, "to share the good man's knee;" but
+protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately
+upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their
+miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.
+
+To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal
+diner-out. Lively with the light--airy with the sparkling--brilliant with
+the blithe, he must also be grave with the serious--heavy with the
+profound--solemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the
+sentimental--to condole with the afflicted--to prove with the practical--to
+be a theorist with the speculative.
+
+To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that
+birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and
+the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic
+salt.
+
+I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitators--of that Joseph
+and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls "_The_ Miller and his
+men"--I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have
+known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal
+to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained.
+
+Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were
+pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and
+rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own
+dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You
+will be too witty--a fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their
+own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will
+now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.
+
+When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time
+is gone by for dwelling upon--"Dean Swift said"--"Quin, the actor,
+remarked"--"The facetious Foote was once"--"That reminds me of what
+Sheridan"--"Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day with"--and the
+like. Your ha! ha!--especially should it precede the name of Sam
+Rogers--would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be
+changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. _Verbum sat_.
+
+I would have you be careful to _sort_ your pleasantries. Your soup jokes
+(never hazard that one about Marshal _Turenne_, it is really _too_
+ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jests--your side-shakers for the
+side dishes--your puns for the pastry--your after-dinner excruciators.
+
+Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck, which is
+unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you sit down to table
+with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of an inferior quality. Your
+object is to make men laugh. It must be done. I have known a pathetic
+passage, quoted timely and with a happy emphasis from a popular novel--say,
+"Alice, or the Mysteries"--I have known it, I say, do more execution upon
+the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the evening.
+(There is one passage in that "thrilling" performance, where Alice,
+overjoyed that her lover is restored to her, is represented as frisking
+about him like a dog around his long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I
+have taken it in hand, has been rewarded with the most vociferous and
+gleesome laughter.)
+
+And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I know not
+whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man, however stentorian his
+lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a view to engage him as a
+cachinnatory machine. A confederate may become a traitor--a rival he is
+pretty certain of becoming. Besides, strive as you may, you can never
+secure an altogether unexceptionable individual--one who will "go the whole
+hyaena," and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he once start "lion"
+on his own account, furnished with your original roar, with which you
+yourself have supplied him, good-bye to your supremacy. "Farewell, my
+trim-built wherry"--he is in the same boat only to capsise you.
+
+  "And the first lion thinks the last a bore,"
+
+and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work out your own
+ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and is likely to be
+formidable.
+
+I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future time. My space
+at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as yet entered upon the
+subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAM(B)ENTATIONS.
+
+  Ye banks and braes o' Buckingham,
+  How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair,
+  When I am on my latest legs,
+  And may not bask amang ye mair!
+  And you, sweet maids of honour,--come,
+  Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn,
+  For your old flame must now depart,
+  Depart, oh! never to return!
+
+  Oft have I roam'd o'er Buckingham,
+  From room to room, from height to height;
+  It was such pleasant exercise,
+  And gave me _such_ an appetite!
+  Yes! when the _dinner-hour_ arrived,
+  For me they never had to wait,
+  I was the first to take my chair,
+  And spread my ample napkin straight.
+
+  And if they did not quickly come,
+  After the dinner-bell had knoll'd,
+  I just ran up my _private stairs_,
+  To say the things were getting cold!
+  But now, farewell, ye pantry steams,
+  (The sweets of premiership to me),
+  Ye gravies, relishes, and creams,
+  Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy!
+
+  Full well I mind the days gone by,--
+  'Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine;
+  Then _John_ and _Pal_ sang o' _their_ luck,
+  And fondly sae sang I o' mine!
+  But now, how sad the scene, and changed!
+  _Johnny_ and _Pal_ are glad nae mair!
+  Oh! banks and braes o' Buckingham!
+  How _can_ you bloom sae fresh and fair!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHELSEA.
+
+(From our own Correspondent.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The steam-boats bring
+down hundreds every day, and in the evening take them all back again. Mr.
+Jones has engaged a lodging for the week, and other families are spoken of.
+A ball is also talked about; but it is not yet settled who is to give it,
+nor where it is to be given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very
+general at the leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number
+of persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged for the
+season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more than one
+musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the talented artist who
+plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with his elbow, the triangle with
+his shoulder, the bells with this head, and the Pan's pipes with his
+mouth--thus uniting the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of
+an individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have been
+imported within the last few days, and there is every probability of this
+pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable rival to the old-established
+watering-places.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+FOREIGN AFFAIRS,
+
+OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE.
+
+
+Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young gentlemen
+who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given in marriage. At
+all events, some conjecture of the sort is necessary to make the plot of
+the piece we are noticing somewhat probable--that being the precise
+circumstance upon which it hinges. The _Count St. Louis_, a youthful
+_attach�_ of the French embassy, becomes attached, by a marriage contract,
+to _Lady Bell_, a maid of honour to Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of
+a wife quite nineteen, would, according to the natural course of things, be
+very considerably hen-pecked; and _St. Louis_, foreseeing this, determines
+to begin. Well, he insists upon having "article five" of the marriage
+contract cancelled; for, by this stipulation, he is to be separated from
+his wife, on the evening of the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five
+years. He storms, swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding
+present of sugar-plums--everybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his
+expense--the wife treats him with contempt, and plays the scornful. The
+hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation, determines to prove himself
+a man.
+
+At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy matter. _St.
+Louis_ writes love-letters to several maids of honour and to a citizen's
+wife, finishing the first act by invading the private apartments of the
+maiden ladies belonging to the court of the chaste Queen Anne.
+
+The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order of the
+Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by the love-letters
+are hatching, by running into debt, and being surrounded by duns. The
+intrigues are not long in coming to a head, for two ladies visit him
+separately in secret, and allow themselves to be hid in those never-failing
+adjuncts to a piece of dramatic intrigue--a couple of closets, which are
+used exactly in the same manner in "Foreign Affairs," as in all the farces
+within the memory of man--_ex. gr._:--The hero is alone; one lady enters
+cautiously. A tender interchange of sentiment ensues--a noise is heard, and
+the lady screams. "Ah! that closet!" Into which exit lady. Then enter lady
+No. 2. A second interchange of tender things--another noise behind. "No
+escape?" "None! and yet, happy thought, that closet." Exit lady No. 2, into
+closet No. 2.
+
+This is exactly as it happens in "Foreign Affairs." The second noise is
+made by the husband of one of the concealed ladies, and the lover of the
+other. Here, out of the old "closet" materials, the dramatist has worked up
+one of the best situations--to use an actor's word--we ever remember to
+have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is really worth all the
+money to go and see it. Let our readers do so. The "Affairs" end by the boy
+fighting a couple of duels with the injured men; and thus, crowning the
+proof of his manhood, gets his wife to tolerate--to love him.
+
+The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was admirably
+acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured lovers--Mr. Strickland and Mrs.
+Stirling, as a vulgar citizen and citizeness--by Miss P. Horton as _Lady
+Bell_--and even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small part--that of a
+barber--with great skill. Lastly, Madlle. Celeste, as the hero, acquitted
+herself to admiration. We suppose the farce is called "Foreign Affairs" out
+of compliment to this lady, who is the only "Foreign Affair" we could
+discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated from the
+French, which is, strictly, an affair of the author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MARY CLIFFORD.
+
+If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and delicate
+sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for scenery painted on
+the spot, but like nothing in nature except canvas and colour--go to the
+Victoria and see "Mary Clifford." It may, perhaps, startle you to learn
+that the incidents are faithfully copied from the "Newgate Calendar," and
+that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of apprentice-killing notoriety; but
+be not alarmed, there is nothing horrible or revolting in the drama--it is
+merely laughable.
+
+"Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl," is very appropriately
+introduced to the auditor, first outside the gates of that "noble
+charity-school," taking leave of some of her accidental companions. Here
+sympathy is first awakened. Mary is just going out to "place," and instead
+of saying "good bye," which we have been led to believe is the usual form
+of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song with such heart-rending
+expression, that everybody cries except the musicians and the audience. To
+assist in this lachrymose operation, the girls on the stage are supplied
+with clean white aprons--time out mind a charity-girl's
+pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and Mrs.
+Brownrigg's domestic arrangements, and are made acquainted with their
+private characters--a fine stroke of policy on the part of the author; for
+one naturally pities a poor girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the
+corners of so many white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one
+sees into whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family
+are people of taste--peculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs. B. has a
+taste for starving apprentices--her son, Mr. Jolin B., for seducing
+them--and Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life, a pot of porter, and a pipe.
+Into the bosom of this amiable family Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble
+for her virtue and her meals! not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow
+in commencing his gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary,
+seeing that she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one
+William Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker.
+During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her "heart's master," the
+journeyman baker. But there is another and more terrible invocation. In
+classic plays they invoke "the gods"--in Catholic I ones, "the saints"--the
+stage Arab appeals to "Allah"--the light comedian swears "by the lord
+Harry"--but _Mary Clifford_ adds a new and impressive invocative to the
+list. When young Brownrigg attempts to kiss, or his mother to flog her, she
+casts her eyes upward, kneels, and placing her hands together in an
+attitude of prayer, solemnly calls upon--"the governors of the Foundling
+Hospital!!" Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems to produce
+upon her persecutors! They release her instantly--they slink back abashed
+and trembling--they hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a
+clear stage for a soliloquy or a song.
+
+We really _must_ stop here, to point out to dramatic authors the importance
+of this novel form of conjuration. When the history of Fauntleroy comes to
+be dramatised, the lover will, of course, be a banker's clerk: in the
+depths of distress and despair into which he will have to be plunged, a
+prayer-like appeal to "the Governor and Company of the Bank of England,"
+will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience. The old
+exclamations of "Gracious powers!"--"Great heavens!"--"By heaven, I swear!"
+&c. &c., may now be abandoned; and, after "Mary Clifford," Bob Acres'
+tasteful system of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the
+tragic drama, but considerably augmented.
+
+But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really "go and tell" the
+illustrious governors, she is kept a close prisoner, and finishes the first
+act by a conspiracy with a fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape.
+
+Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12, Fetter-lane,
+in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing, glazing, and pepper-line;
+and, in the next act, a correct view is exhibited of the exterior of his
+shop, painted, we are told, from the most indisputable authorities of the
+time. Here, in Fetter, lane, the romance of the tale begins:--A lady
+enters, who, being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked,
+unquestioned, to tell the audience a story--how that she married in early
+life--that her husband was pressed to sea a day or two after the
+wedding--that she in due time became a mother, and (affectionate creature!)
+left the dear little pledge at the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was
+sixteen years ago. Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby
+back again; but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that
+her daughter has been just "put apprentice" in the very house before which
+she tells the story--part of it as great a fib as ever was told; for
+children once inside the walls of that "noble charity," never know who left
+them there; and any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is
+punished with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the
+awful "governors." This lady, who bears all the romance of the piece upon
+her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost husband at the Ship, in
+Wapping, and instead of seeking her daughter, repairs thither, having done
+all the author required, by emptying her budget of fibs.
+
+The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe it as _Mrs.
+Brownrigg's_ "wash-house, kitchen, and skylight"--the sky-light forming a
+most impressive object. Poor _Mary Clifford_ is chained to the floor, her
+face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry. Here the
+heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and stentorian
+eloquence, but is interrupted by _Mr. Clipson_, whose face appears framed
+and glazed in the broken sky-light. A pathetic dialogue ensues, and the
+lover swears he will rescue his mistress, or "perish in the attempt,"
+"calling upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer," to make known her sufferings.
+The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and _Toby Bensling_, alias _Richard
+Clifford_, enters to inform his hearers that he is the missing father of
+the injured foundling, and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short
+voyage, lasting sixteen years! He is on his way to the "Admiralty," to
+receive some pay--the more particularly, we imagine, as they always pay
+sailors at Somerset House--and _then_ to look after his wife. But she saves
+him the trouble by entering with _Mr. William Clipson_. The usual "Whom do
+I see?"--"Can it be?"--"After so long an absence!" &c. &c., having been
+duly uttered and begged to, they all go to see after _Mary_, find her in a
+cupboard in Mrs. B.'s back-parlour, and--the act-drop falls.
+
+We must confess we approach a description of the third act with diffidence.
+Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more sombre sound--ink of a
+darker hue, than we can command. The third scene is, in particular, too
+extravagantly touching for ordinary nerves to witness. _Mary Clifford_ is
+in bed--French bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because such things
+were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg) stands exactly in the
+middle of the stage--a chest of drawers is placed behind, and a table on
+each side, to balance the picture. The lover leans over the head, the
+mother sits at the foot, the father stands at the side: _Mary Clifford_ is
+insane, with lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is,
+she has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse concerning
+the great "governors," her cruel mistress, and her naughty young master,
+interlarded with insane ejaculations, always considered stage property,
+such as, "Ah, she comes!" "Nay, strike me not--I am guiltless!" Again,
+"Villain! what do you take me for?--unhand me!" and all that. Then the
+dying part comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that
+she is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the
+gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm fall
+upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody says that
+she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to be changed.
+
+In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. _Mrs. Brownrigg_,
+having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in the condemned cell; her
+son by her side, and the fatal cart in the back-ground. Having been brought
+up genteelly, she declines the mode of conveyance provided for her journey
+to Tyburn with the utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does
+not seem to affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful "drag" she is
+doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and the curtain
+falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of an innocent audience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 21, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. August 21, 1841.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 21, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 21, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14924]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page61" name="page61"></a>[pg
+61]</span>
+<h2>AUGUST 21, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE WIFE-CATCHERS.</h2>
+<h3>A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE&rsquo;S BOOTS.</h3>
+<h4><em>In Four Chapters.</em></h4>
+<h3>CHAPTER IV.</h3>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/006-01.png"><img src=
+"images/006-01.png" alt="A man in stocks forms the letter T" id=
+"img006-01" name="img006-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">T</span>he conversation now subsided into
+&ldquo;private and confidential&rdquo; whispers, from which I could
+learn that Miss O&rsquo;Brannigan had consented to quit her
+father&rsquo;s halls with Terence that very night, and, before the
+priest, to become his true and lawful wife.</p>
+<p>It had been previously understood that those of the guests who
+lived at a distance from the lodge should sleep there that night.
+Nothing could have been more favourable for the designs of the
+lovers; and it was arranged between them, that Miss Biddy was to
+steal from her chamber into the yard, at daybreak, and apprise her
+lover of her presence by flinging a handful of gravel against his
+window. Terence&rsquo;s horse was warranted to carry double, and
+the lady had taken the precaution to secure the key of the stable
+where he was placed.</p>
+<p>It was long after midnight before the company began to
+separate;&mdash;cloaks, shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug
+of punch of extra strength was compounded, and a <em>doch an
+dhurris</em><sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. A drink at the
+door;&mdash;a farewell cup.</span> of the steaming beverage
+administered to every individual before they were permitted to
+depart. At length the house was cleared of its guests, with the
+exception of those who were to remain and take beds there. Amongst
+the number were the haberdasher and your uncle. The latter was
+shown into a chamber in which a pleasant turf fire was burning on
+the hearth.</p>
+<p>Although Terence&rsquo;s mind was full of sweet anticipations
+and visions of future grandeur, he could not avoid feeling a
+disagreeable sensation arising from the soaked state of his boots;
+and calculating that it still wanted three or four hours of
+daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and comfortable for his
+morning&rsquo;s adventure. With this intention he drew us off, and
+placed us on the hearth before the fire, and threw himself on the
+bed&mdash;not to sleep&mdash;he would sooner have committed
+suicide&mdash;but to meditate upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her
+thousand pounds.</p>
+<p>But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by
+circumstances&mdash;the ducking, the dancing, and the
+<em>potteen</em>, had so exhausted Terence, that he unconsciously
+shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell fast
+asleep, and dreamed of running away with the heiress on his back,
+through a shaking bog, in which he sank up to the middle at every
+step. His vision was, however, suddenly dispelled by a smart rattle
+against his window. A moment was sufficient to recall him to his
+senses&mdash;he knew it was Miss Biddy&rsquo;s signal, and, jumping
+from the bed, drew back the cotton window-curtains and peered
+earnestly out: but though the day had begun to break, it was still
+too dark to enable him to distinguish any person on the lawn. In a
+violent hurry he seized on your humble servant, and endeavoured to
+draw me on; but, alas! the heat of the fire had so shrank me from
+my natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to
+introduce his leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage
+to the further corner of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot
+into my companion, which had been reduced to the same shrunken
+state as myself. In vain he tugged, swore, and strained; first with
+one, and then with another, until the stitches in our sides grinned
+with perfect torture; the perspiration rolled down his
+forehead&mdash;his eyes were staring, his teeth set, and every
+nerve in his body was quivering with his exertions&mdash;but still
+he could not force us on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s to be done!&rdquo; he ejaculated in
+despairing accents. A bright thought struck him suddenly, that he
+might find a pair of boots belonging to some of the other visitors,
+with which he might make free on so pressing an emergency. It was
+but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake, on the
+following day. With this idea he sallied from his room, and groped
+his way down stairs to find the scullery, where he knew the boots
+were deposited by the servant at night. This scullery was detached
+from the main building, and to reach it it was necessary to cross
+an angle of the yard. Terence cautiously undid the bolts and
+fastenings of the back door, and was stealthily picking his steps
+over the rough stones of the yard, when he was startled by a fierce
+roar behind him, and at the same moment the teeth of Towser, the
+great watch-dog, were fastened in his nether garments. Though very
+much alarmed, he concealed his feelings, and presuming on a slight
+previous intimacy with his assailant, he addressed him in a most
+familiar manner, calling him &ldquo;poor fellow&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;old Towser,&rdquo; explained to him the ungentlemanly
+liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested him to let
+go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was,
+however, not to be talked out of his private notions; he foully
+suspected your uncle of being on no good design, and replied to
+every remonstrance he made with a growl and a shake, that left no
+doubt he would resort to more vigorous measures in case of
+opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for help, Terence was kept in
+this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death with cold and
+trembling with terror, until the morning was considerably advanced,
+when he was discovered by some of the servants, who released him
+from the guardianship of his surly captor. Without waiting to
+account for the extraordinary circumstances in which he had been
+found, he bolted into the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, and,
+locking the door, threw himself into a chair, overwhelmed with
+shame and vexation.</p>
+<p>But poor Terence&rsquo;s troubles were not half over. The
+beautiful heiress, after having discharged several volleys of sand
+and small pebbles against his window without effect, was returning
+to her chamber, swelling with indignation, when she was encountered
+on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no doubt prompted by the demon of
+jealousy, had been watching her movements. He could not have chosen
+a more favourable moment to plead his suit; her mortified vanity,
+and her anger at what she deemed the culpable indifference of her
+lover, made her eager to be revenged on him. It required,
+therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with
+the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in
+less than ten minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking
+the shortest road to the priest&rsquo;s.</p>
+<p>I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as
+soon as he learned the trick he had been served; he vowed to be the
+death of Tibbins, and it is probable he would have carried his
+threat into effect, if the haberdasher had not prudently kept out
+of his way until his anger had grown cool.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So,&rdquo; said I, addressing the narrator, &ldquo;you
+lost the opportunity of figuring at Miss Biddy&rsquo;s
+wedding?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; replied the &lsquo;wife-catcher;&rsquo;
+&ldquo;but Terence soon retrieved his credit, for in less than
+three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we were
+legging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune
+and a prettier girl than the one he had lost: and, by-the-bye, that
+reminds me of a funny scene which took place when the bride came to
+throw the stocking&mdash;hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of
+laughter; while I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked
+gravely on, wondering when it would subside. Instead, however, of
+their laughter lessening, the cachinnations became so violent that
+I began to feel seriously alarmed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My dear friends!&rdquo; said I.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!&rdquo; shouted the pair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This excessive mirth may be dangerous&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p>A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rolled
+from side to side on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put
+out my hand to support them, when a sense of acute pain made me
+suddenly withdraw it. I started, opened my eyes, and discovered
+that I had laid hold of the burning remains of the renowned
+&ldquo;wife-catchers,&rdquo; which I had in my sleep placed upon
+the fire.</p>
+<p>As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient
+allies of our house, I resolved to record this strange adventure;
+but you know I never had much taste for writing, Jack, so I now
+confide the task to you. As he concluded, my uncle raised his
+tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a tear sparkling in his
+eye&mdash;a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the
+venerated &ldquo;<em>Wife Catchers</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Wrote Paget to Pollen,</p>
+<p class="i2">With face bright as brass,</p>
+<p>&ldquo;T&rsquo;other day in the Town Hall</p>
+<p class="i2">You mention&rsquo;d an ass:</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Now, for family reasons,</p>
+<p class="i2">I&rsquo;d like much to know,</p>
+<p>If on me you intended</p>
+<p class="i2">That name to bestow?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;My lord,&rdquo; says Jack Pollen,</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;Believe me, (&rsquo;tis true,)</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;d be sorry to slander</p>
+<p class="i2">A donkey or you.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Being grateful,&rdquo; says Paget,</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;I&rsquo;d ask you to lunch;</p>
+<p>But just, Sir John, tell me.</p>
+<p class="i2">Did you call me PUNCH?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;In wit, PUNCH is equalled,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Says Pollen, &ldquo;by few;</p>
+<p>In naming him, therefore,</p>
+<p class="i2">I couldn&rsquo;t mean you,&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Thanks! thanks! To bear malice,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Save Paget, &ldquo;I&rsquo;m loath;</p>
+<p>Two answers I&rsquo;ve got, and I&rsquo;m</p>
+<p class="i2">Charm&rsquo;d with them both.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>EPIGRAMS.</h3>
+<h4>1.&mdash;THE CAUSE.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Lisette has lost her wanton wiles&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">What secret care consumes her youth,</p>
+<p>And circumscribes her smiles?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>A spec on a front tooth!</em></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<h4>2.&mdash;PRIDE.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and lords,</p>
+<p class="i2">To steal a share of notoriety,</p>
+<p>Will tell you, in important words,</p>
+<p class="i2">He <em>mixes</em> in the best society.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>ENGLISH AND AMERICAN PRODUCE.</h3>
+<p>We find, by the <em>Times</em> of Saturday, the British
+<em>teasel</em> crops in the parish of Melksham have fallen
+entirely to the ground, and from their appearance denote a complete
+failure. Another paragraph in the same paper speaks quite as
+discouragingly of the appearance of the American <em>Teazle</em> at
+the Haymarket.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page62" name="page62"></a>[pg
+62]</span>
+<h2>NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.&mdash;No. 2.</h2>
+<h3>THE ROYAL RHYTHMICAL ALPHABET,</h3>
+<h4><em>To be said or sung by the Infant Princess.</em></h4>
+<table summary="Royal Alphabet">
+<tr>
+<td width="40%"><a href="images/006-02.png"><img src=
+"images/006-02.png" alt="A gentleman attacks another man." id=
+"img006-02" name="img006-02" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">A</span> stands for <span class=
+"sc">Aristocracy</span>, a thing I should admire;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-03.png"><img src="images/006-03.png" alt=
+"A bishop eats a suckling pig." id="img006-03" name="img006-03"
+width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">B</span> stands for a <span class=
+"sc">Bishop</span>, who is clothed in soft attire;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-04.png"><img src="images/006-04.png" alt=
+"A group of people seated around a table that is in a cabinet." id=
+"img006-04" name="img006-04" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">C</span> beginneth <span class=
+"sc">Cabinet</span>, where Mamma keeps her <em>tools</em>;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-05.png"><img src="images/006-05.png" alt=
+"A man in a clown hat hands something to another man in a clown hat."
+id="img006-05" name="img006-05" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">D</span> doth stand for <span class=
+"sc">Downing-street</span>, the &ldquo;Paradise of
+Fools;&rdquo;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-06.png"><img src="images/006-06.png" alt=
+"A guard pulls a lion in a toy wagon." id="img006-06" name=
+"img006-06" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">E</span> beginneth <span class=
+"sc">England</span>, that granteth the supplies;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-07.png"><img src="images/006-07.png" alt=
+"An orchestra." id="img006-07" name="img006-07" width=
+"100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">F</span> doth stand for <span class=
+"sc">Foreigners</span>, whom I should patronize;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-08.png"><img src="images/006-08.png" alt=
+"Two politicians offer PUNCH a bag of money for his vote." id=
+"img006-08" name="img006-08" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">G</span> doth stand for <span class=
+"sc">Gold</span>&mdash;good gold!&mdash;for which man freedom
+barters;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-09.png"><img src="images/006-09.png" alt=
+"A fat snooty fellow walks from a fancy carriage into a door marked 'Lords.'"
+id="img006-09" name="img006-09" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">H</span> beginneth <span class=
+"sc">Honors</span>&mdash;that is, ribbons, stars, and garters;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-10.png"><img src="images/006-10.png" alt=
+"A parasol with money bags hanging from it." id="img006-10" name=
+"img006-10" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">I</span> stands for my <span class=
+"sc">Income</span> (several thousand pounds per ann.);</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-11.png"><img src="images/006-11.png" alt=
+"A man plays with a baby while his pockets are being picked." id=
+"img006-11" name="img006-11" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">J</span> stands for <span class="sc">Johnny
+Bull</span>, a soft and easy kind of man;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-12.png"><img src="images/006-12.png" alt=
+"A king-puppet is being worked by a right hand." id="img006-12"
+name="img006-12" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">K</span> beginneth <span class=
+"sc">King</span>, who rules the land by &ldquo;right
+divine;&rdquo;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-13.png"><img src="images/006-13.png" alt=
+"A woman courtier tries to feed a screaming princess while in a curtsey."
+id="img006-13" name="img006-13" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">L</span>&rsquo;s for <span class="sc">Mrs.
+Lilly</span>, who was once a nurse of mine.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-14.png"><img src="images/006-14.png" alt=
+"A man bastes a spit of meat." id="img006-14" name="img006-14"
+width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">M</span> beginneth <span class=
+"sc">Melbourne</span>, who rules <em>the roast</em> and State;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-15.png"><img src="images/006-15.png" alt=
+"Two smoking men wearing tophats try to pull a door knocker off of a door."
+id="img006-15" name="img006-15" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">N</span> stands for a <span class=
+"sc">Nobleman</span>, who&rsquo;s <em>always</em> good and
+great.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-16.png"><img src="images/006-16.png" alt=
+"A woman dances on a stage." id="img006-16" name="img006-16" width=
+"100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">O</span> is for the <span class=
+"sc">Opera</span>, that I should only grace;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-17.png"><img src="images/006-17.png" alt=
+"A man throws money to a group of men in robes." id="img006-17"
+name="img006-17" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">P</span> stands for the <span class=
+"sc">Pension List,</span> for &ldquo;servants out of
+place.&rdquo;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-18.png"><img src="images/006-18.png" alt=
+"A man carrying a box marked 'RENT' faces away while a uniformed man takes something from it."
+id="img006-18" name="img006-18" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">Q</span>&rsquo;s the <span class=
+"sc">Quarter&rsquo;s Salary</span>, for which true patriots
+long;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-19.png"><img src="images/006-19.png" alt=
+"A woman leads a group of girls in a flag-waving musical." id=
+"img006-19" name="img006-19" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">R</span>&rsquo;s for <span class="sc">Mrs.
+Ratsey</span>, who taught <em>me</em> this pretty song;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-20.png"><img src="images/006-20.png" alt=
+"A pipe blows a big bubble." id="img006-20" name="img006-20" width=
+"100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">S</span> stands for the <span class=
+"sc">Speech</span>, which Mummy learns to say;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-21.png"><img src="images/006-21.png" alt=
+"A man holds another man upside down by the ankles and makes all of his pocket money fall out."
+id="img006-21" name="img006-21" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">T</span> doth stand for <span class=
+"sc">Taxes</span>, which the people ought to pay;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-22.png"><img src="images/006-22.png" alt=
+"A three-headed dog guards a door marked 'UNION'." id="img006-22"
+name="img006-22" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">U</span>&rsquo;s for the <span class=
+"sc">Union Work-house</span>, which horrid paupers shun;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-23.png"><img src="images/006-23.png" alt=
+"A coin with Victoria's profile." id="img006-23" name="img006-23"
+width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">V</span> is for <span class=
+"sc">Victoria</span>, &ldquo;the Bess of forty-one;&rdquo;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-24.png"><img src="images/006-24.png" alt=
+"A skelton in military uniform lights a cannon and wields a sword."
+id="img006-24" name="img006-24" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">W</span> stands for <span class=
+"sc">War</span>, the &ldquo;noble game&rdquo; which Monarchs
+play;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-25.png"><img src="images/006-25.png" alt=
+"A man pours liquid from a watering can marked XXX into the waiting mouth of a flower."
+id="img006-25" name="img006-25" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td><span class="emph">X</span> is for the <span class="sc">Treble
+X</span>&mdash;Lilly drank three times a day;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><a href="images/006-26.png"><img src="images/006-26.png" alt=
+"A woman on a dias is surrounded by applauding courtiers." id=
+"img006-26" name="img006-26" width="100%" /></a></td>
+<td>And <span class="emph">Y Z</span>&rsquo;s for the <span class=
+"sc">Wise Heads</span>, who admire all I say.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a>[pg
+63]</span>
+<h2>THE GENTLEMAN&rsquo;S OWN BOOK.</h2>
+<h3>A COMPLETE ENCYCLOP&AElig;DIA OF ALL THE REQUISITES,
+DECORATIVE, EDUCATIONAL, AND RECREATIVE, FOR GENTILITY.</h3>
+<h4>INTRODUCTION.</h4>
+<p>A popular encyclop&aelig;dia of the requisites for
+gentility&mdash;a companion to the toilet, the <em>salons</em>, the
+Queen&rsquo;s Bench, the streets, and the police-stations, has long
+been felt to be a desideratum by every one aspiring to
+good-breeding. The few works which treat on the subject have all
+become as obselete as &ldquo;hot cockles&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;crambo.&rdquo; &ldquo;The geste of King Horne,&rdquo; the
+&ldquo;&Beta;&Alpha;&Sigma;&Iota;&Lambda;&Iota;&Kappa;&Omicron;&Nu;&rdquo;
+of King Jamie, &ldquo;Peacham&rsquo;s Complete Gentleman,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;The Poesye of princelye Practice,&rdquo; &ldquo;Dame Juliana
+Berners&rsquo; Book of St. Alban&rsquo;s,&rdquo; and &ldquo;The
+Jewel for Gentrie,&rdquo; are now confined to bibliopoles and
+bookstalls. Even more modern productions have shared the same fate.
+&ldquo;The Whole Duty of Man&rdquo; has long been consigned to the
+trunk-maker, &ldquo;Chesterfield&rsquo;s Letters&rdquo; are now
+dead letters, and the &ldquo;Young Man&rdquo; lights his cigar with
+his &ldquo;Best Companion.&rdquo; It is true, that in lieu of
+these, several works have emanated from the press, adapted to the
+change of manners, and consequently admirably calculated to supply
+their places. We need only instance &ldquo;The Flash
+Dictionary,&rdquo; &ldquo;The Book of Etiquette,&rdquo; &ldquo;A
+Guide to the Kens and Cribs of London,&rdquo; &ldquo;The whole Art
+of Tying the Cravat,&rdquo; and &ldquo;The Hand-book of
+Boxing;&rdquo; but it remains for us to remove the disadvantages
+which attend the acquirement of each of these noble arts and
+sciences in a detached form.</p>
+<p>The possessor of an inquiring and genteel mind has now to wander
+for his politeness to Paternoster-row<sup>2</sup><span class=
+"sidenote">2. &ldquo;Book of Etiquette.&rdquo; Longman and
+Co.</span>; to Pierce Egan, for his knowledge of men and manners;
+and to Owen Swift, for his knightly accomplishments, and exercises
+of chivalry.</p>
+<p>We undertake to collect and condense these scattered radii into
+one brilliant focus, so that a gentleman, by reading his &ldquo;own
+book,&rdquo; may be made acquainted with the best means of
+ornamenting his own, or disfiguring a policeman&rsquo;s,
+person&mdash;how to conduct himself at the dinner-table, or at the
+bar of Bow-street&mdash;how to turn a compliment to a lady, or
+carry on a chaff with a cabman.</p>
+<p>These are high and noble objects! A wider field for social
+elevation cannot well be imagined. Our plan embraces the
+enlightenment and refinement of every scion of a noble house, and
+all the junior clerks in the government offices&mdash;from the
+happy recipient of an allowance of 50&pound; per month from
+&ldquo;the Governor,&rdquo; to the dashing acceptor of a salary of
+thirty shillings a week from a highly-respectable house in the
+City&mdash;from the gentleman who occupies a suite of apartments in
+the Clarendon, to the lodger in the three-pair back, in an
+excessively back street at Somers Town.</p>
+<p>With these incentives, we will proceed at once to our great and
+glorious task, confident that our exertions will be appreciated,
+and obtain for us an introduction into the best circles.</p>
+<h4>PRELUDE.</h4>
+<p>We trust that our polite readers will commence the perusal of
+our pages with a pleasure equal to that which we feel in sitting
+down to write them; for they call up welcome recollections of those
+days (we are literary and seedy now!) when our coats emanated from
+the laboratory of Stultz, our pantaloons from Buckmaster, and our
+boots from Hoby, whilst our glossy beaver&mdash;now, alas!
+supplanted by a rusty goss&mdash;was fabricated by no less a
+thatcher than the illustrious Moore. They will remind us of our
+Coryphean conquests at the Opera&mdash;our triumphs in Rotten
+row&mdash;our dinners at Long&rsquo;s and the Clarendon&mdash;our
+nights at Offley&rsquo;s and the watch-house&mdash;our glorious
+runs with the Beaufort hounds, and our exhilarating runs from the
+sheriffs&rsquo; officers&mdash;our month&rsquo;s sporting on the
+heathery moors, and our day rule when rusticating in the Bench!</p>
+<p>We are in &ldquo;the sear and yellow leaf&rdquo;&mdash;there is
+nothing green about us now! We have put down our seasoned hunter,
+and have mounted the winged Pegasus. The brilliant Burgundy and
+sparkling Hock no longer mantle in our glass; but Barclay&rsquo;s
+beer&mdash;nectar of gods and coalheavers&mdash;mixed with
+hippocrene&mdash;the Muses&rsquo; &ldquo;cold
+without&rdquo;&mdash;is at present our only beverage. The grouse
+are by us undisturbed in their bloomy mountain covert. We are now
+content to climb Parnassus and our garret stairs. The Albany, that
+sanctuary of erring bachelors, with its guardian beadle, are to us
+but memories, for we have become the denizens of a roomy attic
+(ring the top bell twice), and are only saluted by an Hebe of
+all-work and our printer&rsquo;s devil!</p>
+<p>ON DRESS IN GENERAL.&mdash;<em>L&rsquo;habit fait le
+moine</em>.&mdash;It has been laid down by Brummel, Bulwer, and
+other great authorities, that &ldquo;the tailor makes the
+man;&rdquo; and he would be the most daring of sceptics who would
+endeavour to controvert this axiom. Your first duty, therefore, is
+to place yourself in the hands of some distinguished schneider, and
+from him take out your patent of gentility&mdash;for a man with an
+&ldquo;elegant coat&rdquo; to his back is like a bill at sight
+endorsed with a good name; whilst a seedy or ill-cut garment
+resembles a protested note of hand labelled &ldquo;No
+effects.&rdquo; It will also be necessary for you to consult
+&ldquo;The Monthly Book of Fashions,&rdquo; and to imitate, as
+closely as possible, those elegant and artistical productions of
+the gifted <em>burin</em>, which show to perfection &ldquo;What a
+piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in
+faculties!&rdquo; &amp;c.&mdash;You must not consult your own ease
+and taste (if you have any), for nothing is so vulgar as to suit
+your convenience in these matters, as you should remember that you
+dress to please others, and not yourself. We have heard of some
+eccentric individuals connected with noble families, who have
+departed from this rule; but they invariably paid the penalty of
+their rashness, being frequently mistaken for men of intellect; and
+it should not be forgotten, that any exercise of the mind is a
+species of labour utterly incompatible with the perfect man of
+fashion.</p>
+<p>The confiding characters of tailors being generally
+acknowledged, it is almost needless to state, that the
+<em>faintest</em> indication of seediness will be fatal to your
+reputation; and as a presentation at the Insolvent Court is equally
+fashionable with that of St. James, any squeamishness respecting
+your inability to pay could only be looked upon as a want of moral
+courage upon your part, and</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-27.png"><img src=
+"images/006-27.png" alt=
+"A nicely dressed man passes by a scarecrow." id="img006-27" name=
+"img006-27" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF A GENTLEMAN.</p>
+</div>
+<p>[The subject of <em>dress in particular</em> will form the
+subject of our next chapter.]</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>IF I HAD A THOUSAND A-YEAR.</h3>
+<h4>A BACHELOR&rsquo;S LYRIC.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>If I had a thousand a-year,</p>
+<p class="i2">(How my heart at the bright vision glows!)</p>
+<p>I should never be crusty or queer,</p>
+<p class="i2">But all would be <em>couleur de rose</em>.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;d pay all my debts, though <em>outr&eacute;</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And of duns and embarrassments clear,</p>
+<p>Life would pass like a bright summer day,</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I&rsquo;d have such a spicy turn-out,</p>
+<p class="i2">And a horse of such mettle and breed&mdash;</p>
+<p>Whose points not a jockey should doubt,</p>
+<p class="i2">When I put him at top of his speed.</p>
+<p>On the foot-board, behind me to swing,</p>
+<p class="i2">A tiger so small should appear,</p>
+<p>All the nobs should protest &ldquo;&rsquo;twas the
+thing!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A villa I&rsquo;d have near the Park,</p>
+<p class="i2">From Town just an appetite-ride;</p>
+<p>With fairy-like grounds, and a bark</p>
+<p class="i2">O&rsquo;er its miniature waters to glide.</p>
+<p>There oft, &rsquo;neath the pale twilight star,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or the moonlight unruffled and clear,</p>
+<p>My meerschaum I&rsquo;d smoke, or cigar,</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I&rsquo;d have pictures and statues, with taste&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Such as ladies unblushing might view&mdash;</p>
+<p>In my drawing and dining-rooms placed,</p>
+<p class="i2">With many a gem of virt&ugrave;.</p>
+<p>My study should be an affair</p>
+<p class="i2">The heart of a book-worm to cheer&mdash;</p>
+<p>All compact, with its easy spring chair,</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A cellar I&rsquo;d have quite complete</p>
+<p class="i2">With wines, so <em>recherch&eacute;</em>, well
+stored;</p>
+<p>And jovial guests often should meet</p>
+<p class="i2">Round my social and well-garnish&rsquo;d board.</p>
+<p>But I would have a favourite few,</p>
+<p class="i2">To my heart and my friendship <em>more</em> dear;</p>
+<p>And I&rsquo;d marry&mdash;I mustn&rsquo;t tell who&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>With comforts so many, what more</p>
+<p class="i2">Could I ask of kind Fortune to grant?</p>
+<p>Humph! a few olive branches&mdash;say four&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">As pets for my old maiden aunt.</p>
+<p>Then, with health, there&rsquo;d be nought to append.</p>
+<p class="i2">To perfect my happiness here;</p>
+<p>For the <em>utile et duloc</em> would blend.</p>
+<p class="i2">If I had a thousand a-year.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page64" name="page64"></a>[pg
+64]</span>
+<h2>MY UNCLE BUCKET.</h2>
+<p>The Buckets are a large family! I am one of them&mdash;my uncle
+Job Bucket is another. We, the Buckets, are atoms of creation; yet
+we, the Buckets, are living types of the immensity of the
+world&rsquo;s inhabitants. We illustrate their ups and
+downs&mdash;their fulness and their emptiness&mdash;their risings
+and their falling&mdash;and all the several goods and ills, the
+world&rsquo;s denizens in general, and Buckets in particular, are
+undoubted heirs to.</p>
+<p>It hath ever been the fate of the fulness of one Bucket to
+guarantee the emptiness of another; and (mark the moral!) the
+rising Bucket is the richly-stored one; its sinking brother&rsquo;s
+attributes, like Gratiano&rsquo;s wit, being &ldquo;an infinite
+deal of nothing.&rdquo; Hence the adoption of our name for the
+wooden utensils that have so aptly fished up this fact from the
+deep well of truth.</p>
+<p>There be certain rods that attract the lightning. We are
+inclined to think there be certain Buckets that invite kicking, and
+our uncle Job was one of them. He was birched at school for
+everybody but himself, for he never deserved it! He was plucked at
+college&mdash;because some practical joker placed a utensil,
+bearing his name, outside the door of the examining master, and our
+uncle Job Bucket being unfortunately present, laughed at the
+consequent abrasion of his, the examining master&rsquo;s, shins. He
+was called to the bar. His first case was, &ldquo;Jane Smith
+<em>versus</em> James Smith&rdquo; (no relations). His client was
+the female. She had been violently assaulted. He mistook the
+initial&mdash;pleaded warmly for the opposing Smith, and glowingly
+described the disgraceful conduct of the veriest virago a legal
+adviser ever had the pain of speaking of. The verdict was, as he
+thought, on his side. The lady favoured him with a living evidence
+of all the attributes he was pleased to invent for her benefit, and
+left him with a proof impression of her nails upon his face,
+carrying with her, by way of <em>souvenir</em>, an ample portion of
+the skin thereof. Had the condensed heels of all the horses whose
+subscription hairs were wrought into his wig, with one united
+effort presented him with a kick in his abdominals, he could not
+have been more completely &ldquo;knocked out of time&rdquo; than he
+was by the mistake of those cursed initials. &ldquo;<em>What about
+Smith?</em>&rdquo; sent him out of court! At length he</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Cursed the bar, and declined.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>He next turned his attention to building. Things went on
+swimmingly during the erection&mdash;so did the houses when built.
+The proprietorship of the ground was disputed&mdash;our uncle Job
+had paid the wrong person. The buildings were knocked down (by Mr.
+Robins), and the individual who had benefited by the suppositionary
+ownership of the acres let on the building lease &ldquo;bought the
+lot,&rdquo; and sent uncle Job a peculiarly well-worded legal
+notice, intimating, &ldquo;his respectable presence would, for the
+future, approximate to a nuisance and trespass, and he (Job) would
+be proceeded against as the statutes directed, if guilty of the
+same.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It is impossible to follow him through all his various strivings
+to do well: he commenced a small-beer brewery, and the thunder
+turned it all into vinegar; he tried vinegar, and nothing on earth
+could make it sour; he opened a milk-walk, and the parish pump
+failed; he invented a waterproof composition&mdash;there was
+fourteen weeks of drought; he sold his patent for two-and-sixpence,
+and had the satisfaction of walking home for the next three months
+wet through, from his gossamer to his <em>ci-devant</em>
+Wellingtons, now literally, from their hydraulic powers,
+&ldquo;<em>pumps</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He lost everything but his heart! And uncle Bucket was all
+heart! a red cabbage couldn&rsquo;t exceed it in size, and, like
+that, it seemed naturally predestined to be everlastingly in a
+pickle! Still it was a heart! You were welcomed to his venison when
+he had it&mdash;his present saveloy was equally at your service. He
+must have been remarkably attached to facetious elderly poultry of
+the masculine gender, as his invariable salute to the tenants of
+his &ldquo;heart&rsquo;s core&rdquo; was, &ldquo;How are you, my
+jolly old cock?&rdquo; Coats became threadbare, and defunct
+trousers vanished; waistcoats were never replaced; gossamers
+floated down the tide of Time; boots, deprived of all hope of
+future renovation by the loss of their <em>soles</em>, mouldered in
+obscurity; but the clear voice and chuckling salute were changeless
+as the statutes of the Medes and Persians, the price and size of
+penny tarts, or the accumulating six-and-eightpences gracing a
+lawyer&rsquo;s bill.</p>
+<p>Poor uncle Job Bucket&rsquo;s fortune had driven &ldquo;him down
+the rough tide of power,&rdquo; when first and last we met; all was
+blighted save the royal heart; and yet, with shame we own the
+truth, we blushed to meet him. Why? ay, why? We own the
+weakness!&mdash;the heart, the goodly heart, was almost cased in
+rags!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Puppy!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Right, reader, right; we were a puppy. Lash on, we richly
+deserve it! but, consider the fearful influence of worn-out cloth!
+Can a long series of unchanging kindness balance patched elbows?
+are not cracked boots receipts in full for hours of anxious love
+and care? does not the kindness of a life fade &ldquo;like the
+baseless fabric of a vision&rdquo; before the withering touch of
+poverty&rsquo;s stern stamp? Have you ever felt&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Eh? what? No&mdash;stuff! Yes, yes&mdash;go on, go
+on.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We will!&mdash;we blushed for our uncle&rsquo;s coat! His heart,
+God bless it, never caused a blush on the cheek of man, woman,
+child, or even angel, to rise for that. We will confess.
+Let&rsquo;s see, we are sixty now (we don&rsquo;t look so much, but
+we are sixty). Well, be it so. We were handsome once&mdash;is this
+vanity at sixty? if so, our grey hairs are a hatchment for the
+past. We were &ldquo;swells once!&mdash;hurrah!&mdash;we
+were!&rdquo; Stop, this is indecent&mdash;let us be calm&mdash;our
+action was like the proceeding of the denuder of well-sustained and
+thriving pigs, he who deprives them of their extreme obesive
+selvage&mdash;<em>vulgo</em>, &ldquo;<em>we cut it fat</em>.&rdquo;
+Bond-street was cherished by our smile, and Ranelagh was rendered
+happy by the exhibition of our symmetry. Behold us hessianed in our
+haunts, touching the tips of well-gloved fingers to our passing
+friends; then fancy the opening and shutting of our back, just as
+Lord Adolphus Nutmeg claimed the affinity of &ldquo;kid to
+kid,&rdquo; to find our other hand close prisoner made by our uncle
+Bucket.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How are you, old cock?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Who&rsquo;s that, eh?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A lunatic, my lord (what lies men tell!), and
+dangerous!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Good day! [<em>Exit my lord</em>]. This way.&rdquo; We
+followed our uncle&mdash;the end of a blind alley gave us a
+resting-place.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bravo!&rdquo; exclaimed our uncle Bucket, &ldquo;this is
+rare! I live here&mdash;dine with me!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A mob surrounded us&mdash;we acquiesced, in hopes to reach a
+place of shelter.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;All right!&rdquo; exclaimed he of the maternal side,
+&ldquo;stand three-halfpence for your feed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We shelled the necessary out&mdash;he dived into a baker&rsquo;s
+shop&mdash;the mob increased&mdash;he hailed us from the door.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank God, this is your house, then.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Only my kitchen. Lend a hand!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A dish of steaming baked potatoes, surmounted by a fractional
+rib of consumptive beef, was deposited between the lemon-coloured
+receptacles of our thumbs and fingers&mdash;an outcry was raised at
+the court&rsquo;s end&mdash;we were almost mad.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Turn to the right&mdash;three-pair back&mdash;cut away
+while it&rsquo;s warm, and make yourself at home! I&rsquo;ll come
+with the beer!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We wished our <em>I</em> had been in that bier! We rushed
+out&mdash;the gravy basted our <em>pants</em>, and greased our
+hessians! Lord Adolphus Nutmeg appeared at the entrance of the
+court. As we proceeded to our announced
+destination,&mdash;&ldquo;Great God!&rdquo; exclaimed his lordship,
+&ldquo;the Bedlamite has bitten him!&rdquo; A peal of laughter rang
+in our ears&mdash;we rushed into the wrong room, and our uncle Job
+Bucket picked us, the shattered dish, the reeking potatoes, and
+dislodged beef, from the inmost recesses of a wicker-cradle, where,
+spite the thumps and entreaties of a distracted parent, we were all
+engaged in overlaying a couple of remarkably promising twins! We
+can say no more on this frightful subject. But&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Once again we met!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Our pride wanted cutting, and fate appeared determined to
+perform the operation with a jagged saw!</p>
+<p>Tom Racket died! His disease was infectious, and we had been the
+last person to call upon him, consequently we were mournful.
+Thick-coming fancies brooded in our brain&mdash;all things
+conspired against us; the day was damp and wretched&mdash;the
+church-bells emulated each other in announcing the mortalities of
+earth&rsquo;s bipeds&mdash;each <em>toll&rsquo;d</em> its tale of
+death. We thought upon our &ldquo;absent friend.&rdquo; A funeral
+approached. We were still more gloomy. Could it be his? if so, what
+were his thoughts? Could ghosts but speak, what would he say? The
+coffin was coeval with us&mdash;sheets were rubicund compared to
+our cheeks. A low deep voice sounded from its very bowels&mdash;the
+words were addressed to us&mdash;they were, &ldquo;Take no notice;
+it&rsquo;s the first time; it will soon be over!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Will it?&rdquo; we groaned.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes. I&rsquo;m glad you know me. I&rsquo;ll tell you more
+when I come back.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Gracious powers! do you expect to return?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly! We&rsquo;ll have a screw together yet!
+There&rsquo;s room for us both in my place. I&rsquo;ll make you
+comfortable.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The cold perspiration streamed from us. Was there ever anything
+so awful! Here was an unhappy subject threatening to call and see
+us at night, and then screw us down and make us comfortable.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Will you come?&rdquo; exclaimed the dead again.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Never!&rdquo; we vociferated with fearful energy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then let it alone; I didn&rsquo;t think you&rsquo;d have
+cut me now; but wait till I show you my face.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Horror of horrors!&mdash;the pall moved&mdash;a long white face
+peered from it. We gasped for breath, and only felt new life when
+we recognised our uncle Job Bucket, as the author of the
+conversation, and one of the bearers of the coffin! He had turned
+mute!&mdash;but that was a failure&mdash;no one ever died in his
+parish after his adopting that profession!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He has been seen once since in the backwoods of America. His
+fate seemed still to follow him, and his good temper appeared
+immortal&mdash;his situation was more peculiar than pleasant. He
+was seated on a log, three hundred miles from any civilised
+habitation, smiling blandly at a broken axe (his only one), the
+half of which was tightly grasped in his right hand, pointing to
+the truant iron in the trunk of a huge tree, the first of a
+thriving forest of fifty acres he purposed felling; and, thus
+occupied, a solitary traveller passed our uncle Job Bucket, serene
+as the melting sunshine, and thoughtless as the wild insect that
+sported round the owner &ldquo;of the lightest of light
+hearts.&rdquo;&mdash;PEACE BE WITH HIM.</p>
+<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.</h3>
+<p>A gentleman of the name of Stuckey has discovered a new
+filtering process, by which &ldquo;a stream from a most impure
+source may be rendered perfectly translucent and fit for all
+purposes.&rdquo; In the name of our rights and liberties! in the
+name of Judy and our country! we call upon the proper authorities
+to have this invaluable apparatus erected in the lobby of the House
+of Commons, and so, by compelling every member to submit to the
+operation of filtration, cleanse the house from its present
+accumulation of corruption, though we defy Stuckey himself to give
+it <em>brightness</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A THING UNFIT TO A(P)PEAR.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>New honours heaped on <em>rou&eacute;</em> Segrave&rsquo;s
+name!</p>
+<p>A cuckold&rsquo;s horn is then the trump of fame.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name="page65"></a>[pg
+65]</span>
+<h2>FINE ARTS.</h2>
+<h3>EXTERNAL EXHIBITIONS.</h3>
+<p>Under this head it is our intention, from time to time, to
+revert to numberless free exhibitions, which, in this
+advancement-of-education age, have been magnanimously founded with
+a desire to inculcate a knowledge of, and disseminate, by these
+liberal means, an increased taste for the arts in this vast
+metropolis. We commence not with any feelings of favouritism, nor
+in any order of ability, our pleasures being too numerously divided
+to be able to settle as to which ought to be No. 1, but because it
+is necessary to commence&mdash;consequently we would wish to settle
+down in company with the amiable reader in front of a
+tobacconist&rsquo;s shop in the Regent Circus, Piccadilly; and as
+the principal attractions glare upon the astonishment of the
+spectators from the south window, it is there in imagination that
+we are irresistibly fixed. Before we dilate upon the delicious
+peculiarities of the exhibition, we deem it absolutely a matter of
+justice to the noble-hearted patriot who, imitative of the Greeks
+and Athenians of old, who gave the porticoes of their public
+buildings, and other convenient spots, for the display of their
+artists&rsquo; productions, has most generously appropriated the
+chief space of his shop front to the use and advantage of the
+painter, and has thus set a bright example to the high-minded
+havannah merchants and contractors for cubas and c&rsquo;naster,
+which we trust will not be suffered to pass unobserved by them.</p>
+<p>The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which
+enchain the beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman
+(<em>par excellence</em>) seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel
+style of ease, the envy, we venture to affirm, of every omnibus cad
+and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot afford them
+occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest cigar in
+the shop&mdash;not only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us
+not, but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has,
+moreover, by some extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence,
+made him typical of the locality&mdash;we allude to the
+Bull-and-Mouth&mdash;seated at a table evidently made and garnished
+for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the act
+of drinking his own health, or that of &ldquo;all absent
+friends,&rdquo; probably coupling with it some little compliment to
+a favourite dog, one of the true Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon
+breed, who appears to be paying suitable attention. A huge
+pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon the
+ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this
+spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us
+immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and
+executed with that characteristic attention so observable in the
+works of this master<sup>3</sup><span class=
+"sidenote">3</span><span class="sidenote">3. We have forgotten the
+artist&rsquo;s name&mdash;perhaps never knew it; but we believe it
+is the same gentleman who painted the great author of &ldquo;Jack
+Sheppard.&rdquo;</span>, and that the fruit-knife, fork,
+cork-screw, decanter, and chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the
+<em>Art Union</em> would have it), are truly excellent. The only
+drawback upon the originality of the subject is the handkerchief on
+the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any other
+portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as
+it may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of
+Sir Thomas Lawrence&rsquo;s portrait of George the Fourth;
+nevertheless, we in part excuse this, from the known difficulty
+attendant upon the representation of a gentleman seated in
+enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without associating it with a
+veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his &ldquo;Sunday
+out,&rdquo; may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower
+tenements in Belgrave-square, or some such <em>locale</em>, paying
+violent attentions to the housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated
+with the order of the handkerchief, to preserve his crimson plush
+in all its glowing purity. We cannot take leave of this interesting
+work without declaring our opinion that the composition (of the
+frame) is highly creditable.</p>
+<p>Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a
+representation of a young lady, as seen when presenting a
+full-blown flower to a favourite parrot. There is a delicate
+simplicity in the attitude and expression of the damsel, which,
+though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous figures of
+Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of ladies
+many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever
+mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affections&mdash;a feline
+companion&mdash;may be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely
+skewered, in advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been
+careful to retain to eminent success. We are, nevertheless,
+woefully at a loss to divine what the allegory can possibly be (for
+as such we view it), what the analogy between a pretty poll and a
+pol-yanthus. We are unlearned in the language of flowers, or,
+perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral discussion. We
+are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of
+freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of
+communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the
+meantime we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the
+work as a general whole&mdash;the young lady&mdash;the
+parrot&mdash;the polyanthus, and the chiaro-scuro, are as excellent
+as usual in this our most amusing painter&rsquo;s productions.</p>
+<p>As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a
+young gentleman upon a half-holiday&mdash;and, equipped with
+cricket means, his dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the
+left arm gracefully encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown
+a genuine &ldquo;Duke.&rdquo; The sentiment of this picture is
+unparalleled, and to the young hero of any parish eleven is given a
+stern expression of Lord&rsquo;s Marylebone ground. We can already
+(aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future
+generation of cricketers, &ldquo;shoulder his bat, and show how
+games were won.&rdquo; The bat is well drawn and coloured with much
+truth, and with that strict observance of harmony which is so
+characteristic of the excellences of art. The artist has
+felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with that of
+the young gentleman&rsquo;s head. As to the ball, we do not
+recollect ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old
+masters so true to nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the
+jacket, and the button-holes, companions thereto, would baffle the
+criticism of the most hyper-fastidious stab-rag; and the shirt
+collar, with every other detail&mdash;never forgetting the
+chiaro-scuro&mdash;are equal to any of the preceding.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.</h2>
+<p>We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals
+extraordinary, with which we had intended to favour the public,
+when the following bill reached us. We feel that its contents
+partake so strongly of what we had heretofore conceived the
+exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of
+plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we
+have resolved to give insertion to both.</p>
+<p>As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our
+<em>collaborateurs</em> the preference.</p>
+<table summary="Theatrical Extraordinary part 1">
+<tr>
+<td style=
+"width:35%;font-size:0.8em;border-style:solid;border:1px 1px 1px 1px;padding:0px 5px 0px 5px;">
+<p style="margin-top:0em;"><em>Red Lion Court, Fleet
+Street.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give
+publicity to this bill, by <em>placing it in some conspicuous part
+of your Establishment</em>. The success of the undertaking will
+prove so advantageous to the public at large, that I fear not your
+compliance in so good a cause.</p>
+<p style="margin-bottom:0em;">I am, Sir, your&rsquo;s very
+obediently,<br />
+C. MITCHELL</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<h6>VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS.</h6>
+<h5>THEATRE ROYAL</h5>
+<h3>ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE,</h3>
+<h6>WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND.</h6>
+<p><em>Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors&rsquo;
+Theatre, established for the full encouragement of English Living
+Dramatists.</em></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h4>ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.</h4>
+<p>The generous National feelings of the British Public are
+proverbially interested in every endeavour to obtain &ldquo;a Free
+Stage and Fair Play.&rdquo; The Council of the Dramatic
+Authors&rsquo; Theatre seek to achieve both, for every English
+Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the <em>Law</em>, to
+present on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM
+(in effecting which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those
+elements of human nature, which must constitute the essential
+principles of every genuine Dramatic Production), they hope for
+such kind consideration as may be due to a work brought forward in
+obedient accordance with the regulations of <em>Acts of
+Parliament</em>, though labouring thereby under some consequent
+difficulties; the <em>Law</em> for the Small Theatres Royal, and
+the <em>Law</em> for the Large Theatres Royal, <em>not</em> being
+one and the same <em>Law</em>. If, by these efforts, a beneficial
+alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic
+Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest
+class of Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the
+Public will Participate in their Triumph.</p>
+<p>On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the
+First Time,</p>
+<p class="cen">(<em>Interspersed with Songs and Music</em>).</p>
+<h3>MARTINUZZI.</h3>
+<h5>BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ.</h5>
+<p class="cen">Taken by him from his &ldquo;magnificent&rdquo;
+Dramatic Poem, entitled, <em>The Hungarian Daughter</em>.</p>
+<p class="cen">The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical
+arrangement the <em>Law</em> may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE.</p>
+<p class="cen">The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable
+qualities of the Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of
+similar notices.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Worthy of <em>the Stage</em> in its best
+days.&rdquo;&mdash;The Courier.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Effective situations; if well acted, it <em>could not
+fail of success</em>.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>New Bell&rsquo;s
+Messenger</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen
+on Mr. Stephens, for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works
+of modern dramatists, the truthful delineations of human passion,
+the chaste and splendid imagery, and continuous strain of fine
+poetry to be found in <em>The Hungarian
+Daughter</em>.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Cambridge Journal</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The
+Poet has availed himself of every tragic point, and brought
+together every element; nor, with the exception, of Mr.
+Knowles&rsquo;s <em>Love</em>, has there been a single Drama,
+within the last four years, presented on <em>the Stage</em> at all
+comparable.&mdash;<em>Monthly Magazine</em>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="cen">After which will be performed, also for the First
+Time, An Original Entertainment in One Act, Entitled</p>
+<h3>THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET!</h3>
+<p class="cen">By the Author of <em>Jacob Faithful</em>, <em>Peter
+Simple</em>, <em>&amp;c. &amp;c.</em></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="cen">No Orders admitted.&mdash;No Free List, the Public
+Press excepted.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Now for <em>our</em> penny trumpet.</p>
+<h4>THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+<table summary="Theatrical Extraordinary part 2">
+<tr>
+<td style=
+"width:35%;font-size:0.8em;border-style:solid;border:1px 1px 1px 1px;padding:0px 5px 0px">
+<p>READER,&mdash;Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to
+give publicity to the following announcement, <em>by buying up and
+distributing among your friends the whole of the unsold copies of
+this number</em>. The success of this undertaking will prove so
+advantageous to the public at large, and of so little benefit to
+ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a cause.</p>
+<p>Yours obediently,<br />
+PUNCH.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<h6>VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE.</h6>
+<h5>THEATRE ROYAL</h5>
+<h6>PERIPATETIC,</h6>
+<h3>WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND.</h3>
+<p><em>Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association
+established for the full encouragement of Timber Actors and
+Wooden-headed Dramatists</em>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h4>ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC;</h4>
+<h5>OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET,</h5>
+<p>The general National feelings of the British Public are
+proverbially interested in every endeavour to obtain &ldquo;a blind
+alley, and no Fantoccini.&rdquo; Compelled by the New Police Act to
+move on, and so present our high tragic composition by small
+instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard has been
+had&mdash;<em>This parenthesis to be continued in our next</em>),
+we hope for such kind consideration as may be due, when it is
+remembered that the <em>law</em> for the <em>out-door</em> PUNCH
+and the <em>law</em> for the <em>in-door</em> PUNCH is not one and
+the same <em>law</em>. Oh, law!</p>
+<p class="cen">On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be
+presented,</p>
+<p class="cen">(<em>Interspersed with Drum and Mouth
+Organ</em>),</p>
+<h3>PUNCHINUZZI,</h3>
+<h5>BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ.</h5>
+<p class="cen">Taken from his &ldquo;magnificent&rdquo; Dramatic
+Poem, entitled, &ldquo;PUNCH NUTS UPON HIMSELF.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="cen">The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of
+<em>Punchinuzzi</em>, are selected from a vast mass of similar
+notices.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This ere play &lsquo;ud draw at ony
+fare.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>The late Mr. Richardson</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This happy poetic drama would be certain to command
+crowded and elegant <em>courts</em>.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>La Belle
+Assembl&eacute;e</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We have read <em>Punchinuzzi</em>, and we fearlessly
+declare that the mantle of that metropolitan bard, the late Mr.
+William Waters, has descended upon the gifted
+author.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Observer</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Worthy of the <em>streets</em> in their best
+days.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Fudge</em>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="cen">No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name="page66"></a>[pg
+66]</span>
+<h2>THE WHIGS&rsquo; LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE
+QUEEN</h2>
+<p>It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the
+opportunity presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of
+laying before his readers a copy of the original draft of the
+Speech decided upon at a late Cabinet Council. There is a novelty
+about it which pre-eminently distinguishes it from all preceding
+orations from the throne or the woolsack, for it has a purpose, and
+evinces much kind consideration on the part of the Sovereign, in
+rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as grateful as possible
+to its surviving friends and admirers.</p>
+<p>There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins,
+combined with the rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout
+the oration. Indeed, it remained for the Whigs to add this crowning
+triumph to their policy; for who but Melbourne and Co. would have
+conceived the happy idea of converting the mouth of the monarch
+into an organ for puffing, and transforming Majesty itself into a
+<em>National Advertiser</em>?</p>
+<h3>THE QUEEN&rsquo;S SPEECH.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p>
+<p>I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the
+invaluable policy of my present talented and highly disinterested
+advisers, I continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of
+their amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my
+elegant and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and
+of their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the
+rest of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet.</p>
+<p>The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most
+pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy
+Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for
+Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement
+arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and
+their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this
+happy country.</p>
+<p>I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute
+diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary
+of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and
+complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing
+his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy
+justice of commemorating, by a <em>f&ecirc;te</em> and inauguration
+at Boulogne, the disinclination of the French, at a former period,
+to invade the British dominions.</p>
+<p>GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,</p>
+<p>I have directed the <em>estimates for the next fortnight</em> to
+be laid before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply
+sufficient for the exigencies of my <em>present</em> disinterested
+advisers.</p>
+<p>The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor
+of the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in
+reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure
+of the state.</p>
+<p>MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p>
+<p>Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the
+admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial
+Department, and the brilliant author of &ldquo;Don Carlos,&rdquo;
+for the prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of
+the present extravagant dietary of the Unions.</p>
+<p>I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in
+progress, by which it is proposed by my <em>non</em>-patronage
+Ministers to call into requisition the talents of several literary
+gentlemen&mdash;all intimate friends or relations of my deeply
+erudite and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home
+Department, and author of &ldquo;Yes and No,&rdquo; (three vols.
+Colburn) for the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and
+writing, and the encouragement of circulating libraries all over
+the kingdom.</p>
+<p>My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the
+Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited
+&ldquo;Essays by a gentleman who has lately left his
+lodgings,&rdquo; totally changed his opinions on the subject of the
+Corn Laws, a measure is in the course of preparation with a view to
+the repeal of those laws, and the continuance in office of my
+invaluable, tenacious, and incomparable ministry.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>CAUTION.&mdash;We have just heard from a friend in Somerset
+House, that it is the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps,
+from the glaring puffs embodied in the above speech, to proceed for
+the advertisement duty against all newspapers in which it is
+inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully pay.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name,
+that he spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZAR&rsquo;S FEAST.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-28.png"><img src=
+"images/006-28.png" alt=
+"A slender man tries to get out of a chair while his boots run away."
+id="img006-28" name="img006-28" width="60%" /></a>
+<p>OLD GLORY&rsquo;S WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE
+DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.</p>
+</div>
+<p>Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these
+liberal and enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers
+of a general indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency
+to stand in their master&rsquo;s shoes, and taking the insult to
+themselves, they lately came to the resolution of cutting the
+connexion. They felt that his liberality and his boots were all
+that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he had forsaken
+his old party and joined Peel&rsquo;s, the &ldquo;tops&rdquo;
+magnanimously decided to forsake him, and force him to take
+to&mdash;Wellingtons. We have been favoured with a report of the
+conversation that took place upon the occasion, and may perhaps
+indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.</p>
+<p>In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by
+the circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous&rsquo;s feast,
+which strongly remind us of Byron&rsquo;s Vision of Belshazzar.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Burdett was in the chair&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">The Tories throng&rsquo;d the hall&mdash;</p>
+<p>A thousand lamps were there,</p>
+<p class="i2">O&rsquo;er that mad festival.</p>
+<p>His crystal cup contain&rsquo;d</p>
+<p class="i2">The grape-blood of the Rhine;</p>
+<p>Draught after draught he drain&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">To drown his thoughts in wine.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In that same hour and hall</p>
+<p class="i2">A shade like &ldquo;Glory&rdquo; came,</p>
+<p>And wrote upon the wall</p>
+<p class="i2">The records of his shame.</p>
+<p>And at its fingers traced</p>
+<p class="i2">The words, as with a wand,</p>
+<p>The traitorous and debased</p>
+<p class="i2">Upraised his palsied hand.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And in his chair he shook,</p>
+<p class="i2">And could no more rejoice;</p>
+<p>All bloodless wax&rsquo;d his look,</p>
+<p class="i2">And tremulous his voice.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What words are those appear,</p>
+<p class="i2">To mar my fancied mirth!</p>
+<p>What bringeth &lsquo;Glory&rsquo; here</p>
+<p class="i2">To tell of faded worth?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;False renegade! thy name</p>
+<p class="i2">Was once the star which led</p>
+<p>The free; but, oh! what shame</p>
+<p class="i2">Encircles now thine head!</p>
+<p>Thou&rsquo;rt in the balance weigh&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">And worthless found at last.</p>
+<p>All! all! thou hast betray&rsquo;d!&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">And so the spirit pass&rsquo;d.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a>[pg
+67]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. VI.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-29.png"><img src=
+"images/006-29.png" alt=
+"A man in a tophat mesmerises a lion seated in a throne while a ghost and a crowd of people watch."
+id="img006-29" name="img006-29" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>ANIMAL MAGNETISM:<br />
+SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.</p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 68] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name="page69"></a>[pg
+69]</span>
+<h2>SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.</h2>
+<h3>PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY.</h3>
+<p>This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having
+commenced before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of
+obtaining a final decree on its merits somewhere about the next
+Greek Kalends. In the present term,</p>
+<p>COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues
+<em>in form&acirc; pauperis</em>, for an injunction to restrain the
+Whig Justice Company from setting a hungry Scotchman&mdash;one of
+their own creatures, without local or professional
+knowledge&mdash;over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal,
+though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head
+manager thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the
+depreciation of the lands themselves, the further reduction of the
+funds standing in the name of the cause, the insult to the feelings
+and the disregard of the rights of gentlemen living on the estate,
+and perfectly acquainted with its management; and finally, to an
+unblushing and barefaced denial of justice to all parties. The
+learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company, in order to
+make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with an
+additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from
+the office a man eminently qualified to discharge its
+functions&mdash;who had lived and grown white with honourable years
+in the actual discharge of these functions&mdash;and by thrusting
+into his place their own needy retainer, who, instead of being the
+propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would be merely
+the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the
+company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which
+they had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their
+official assignees.</p>
+<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.&mdash;What authorities can you cite for
+this application?</p>
+<p>COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.&mdash;My lord, I fear the cases are, on the
+whole, rather adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to
+administer the laws of this fine estate, and to guard it from
+waste, who have studied its customs, been thoroughly learned in its
+statistics, and interested, by blood and connexion, in its
+prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when injustice
+of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued
+merely because it is the custom, or because it is an &ldquo;old
+institution of the country.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.&mdash;I am quite astonished at your
+broaching such abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and
+yet talk of justice in a Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and
+Eldon, &lsquo;tis marvellous! Mr. Baywig, if you proceed, I shall
+feel it my duty to commit you for a contempt of court.</p>
+<p>COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.&mdash;My lord, in that case I decline the
+honour of addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor
+client is wronged in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It
+is shocking personal insult added to terrible pecuniary
+punishment.</p>
+<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.&mdash;<em>Serve</em> him right! We dismiss
+the application with costs.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE.</h3>
+<p>Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making
+conceive the chief tax must be upon the compiler&rsquo;s brain. We
+give the following as a direct proof to the contrary&mdash;one that
+has the authority of Lord Hamlet, who summed the matter up in
+three</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Words! Words! Words!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>In one column we give a common-place household and familiar
+term&mdash;in the other we render it into the true Bulwerian
+phraseology:</p>
+<table summary="Bulwarian Phraseology" style=
+"width:80%;margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td width="30%" style="border-right:solid 1px;">Does your mother
+know you are out?</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Is your maternal parent&rsquo;s
+natural solicitude allayed by the information, that you have for
+the present vacated your domestic roof?</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">You don&rsquo;t lodge here, Mr.
+Ferguson.</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">You are geographically and
+statistically misinformed; this is by no means the accustomed place
+of your occupancy, Mr. Ferguson.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">See! there he goes with his eye
+out.</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Behold! he proceeds totally deprived
+of one moiety of his visual organs!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">Don&rsquo;t you wish you may
+get it?</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Pray confess, are you not really
+particularly anxious to obtain the desired object?</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">More t&rsquo;other.</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Infinitely, peculiarly, and most
+intensely the entire extreme and the absolute reverse.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">Quite different.</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Dissimilar as the far-extended poles,
+or the deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark denizens of
+Sol&rsquo;s sultry plains and the fair rivals of descending flakes
+of virgin snow, melting with envy on the peerless breast of fair
+Circassia&rsquo;s ten-fold white-washed daughters.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="border-right:solid 1px;">Over the left.</td>
+<td style="padding-left:5px;">Decidedly in the ascendant of the
+sinister.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<hr />
+<p>From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the
+House of Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further
+experiments in turning their coats, are about to try what effect
+they can produce with an <em>old Spencer</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the
+rains that have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the
+<em>reins</em> of government.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET.</h3>
+<h5>&ldquo;COME OUT&mdash;WILL YOU!&rdquo;</h5>
+<p>The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for
+office has been almost without parallel in the history of
+ministerial fidelity. Zoologists talk of the local affection of
+cats, but in what animal shall we discover such a strong love of
+place as in the present government? Lord John is a very badger in
+the courageous manner in which he has resisted the repeated attacks
+of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for even
+<em>his</em> powers of defence; he has given some of the most
+forward of the curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some
+shrewd bites and scratches that they will not forget in a hurry;
+but, overpowered by numbers, he must &ldquo;come out&rdquo; at
+last, and yield the victory to his numerous persecutors, who will,
+no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at drawing a
+badger.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>PUNCH&rsquo;S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE</h3>
+<h5>(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.)</h5>
+<p>The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week,
+and parties are going about declaring&mdash;not that we put any
+faith in what they say&mdash;that Macready has already given a
+large sum for a manuscript. If he has done this, we think he is
+much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he most likely
+has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the
+policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted
+very properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it
+is said, he will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively
+cannot, the reports of his opening are rather premature, to say the
+least of them. For our parts, we never think of putting any credit
+in what we hear, but we give everything just as it reaches us.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE MONEY MARKET</h3>
+<p>Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at
+Paris, which gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter
+capital.</p>
+<p>A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its
+being intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of
+Issue upon equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there
+is to be no capital actually subscribed, it being expected that
+sufficient assets will be derived from the depositors. Shares are
+to be issued, to which a nominal price will be attached, and a
+dividend is to be declared immediately.</p>
+<p>The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not
+progress very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has
+been done, which is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in
+dealing with existing interests.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIGNS OF THE TIMES.</h3>
+<p>The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is
+surrounded with scaffolds!</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS.</h3>
+<p>Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly
+practical and experienced hands, fully capable and highly
+accomplished in the arduous duties of &ldquo;looking after any
+quantity of loaves and fishes.&rdquo; A ten years&rsquo; character
+can be produced from their last places, which they leave because
+the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally
+capable. No objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an
+object as an extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of
+keeping their hands in. Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and
+Palmerston, Downing-street Without.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>&ldquo;It is very odd,&rdquo; said Sergeant Channell to
+Thessiger, &ldquo;that Tindal should have decided against me on
+that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain as A B C.&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; replied Thessiger, &ldquo;but of what use is it
+that it should have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined
+to be D E F to it?&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CLEVER ROGUES.</h3>
+<p>The <em>Belfast Vindicator</em> has a story of a sailor who
+pledged a sixpence for threepence, having it described on the
+duplicate ticket as &ldquo;a piece of silver plate of beautiful
+workmanship,&rdquo; by which means he disposed of the ticket for
+two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of
+congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their
+&ldquo;BOB,&rdquo; and having him described as &ldquo;a rare piece
+of vertu(e) <em>premi&egrave;re qualit&eacute;</em>&rdquo; in the
+expectation of securing a <em>crown</em> by it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS.</h3>
+<p>Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries
+as to the motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he
+is actuated purely by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few
+years, <em>grown his own mattresses</em>, a practice which he
+earnestly recommends to the attention of all prudent and hirsute
+individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine square inches of
+chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum. The
+whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an
+easy chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios
+will give a pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six
+months. Mr. M. recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for
+barren soils, to plough with a cat&rsquo;s-paw, and manure with
+Macassar.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook
+thinks that the more appropriate title for a <em>Stair</em>, in
+raising him a step higher, would have been Lord
+<em>Landing-place</em>, or Viscount <em>Bannister</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a>[pg
+70]</span>
+<h2>LORD MELBOURNE&rsquo;S LETTER-BAG.</h2>
+<p>The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and
+brooms and scrubbing-brushes are at a premium&mdash;a little
+anticipative, it is true, of the approaching turn-out; but the
+dilatory idleness and muddle-headed confusion of those who will
+soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered this a work of absolute
+time and labour. That the change in office had long been expected,
+is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the
+unfortunate <em>employ&eacute;s</em> had saved up against the rainy
+day arrived. The routing-out of this conglomeration was only
+equalled in trouble by the removal of the birdlime with which the
+various benches were covered, and which adhered with most
+pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to get rid of it.
+From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of receiving
+the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were
+extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have
+succeeded tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from
+the disjointed fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to
+speak for themselves. They are selected at random from dozens of
+others, with which the poor man must have been overwhelmed during
+the past two months:&mdash;</p>
+<h4>1.</h4>
+<p>MY LORD,&mdash;In the present critical state of your
+lordship&rsquo;s situation, it behoves every lover of his country
+and her friends, to endeavour to assuage, as much as possible, the
+awkward predicament in which your lordship and colleagues will soon
+be thrown. My dining-rooms in Broad-street, St. Giles&rsquo;s, have
+long been held in high estimation by my customers, for</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-30.png"><img src=
+"images/006-30.png" alt=
+"The rear end of a bull, with a braided tail and striped stockings."
+id="img006-30" name="img006-30" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>BEEF A-LA-MODE;</p>
+</div>
+<p>and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with
+bread and potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by
+none.</p>
+<p class="cen">N.B. Please observe the address&mdash;Broad-street,
+St. Giles&rsquo;s.</p>
+<h4>2.</h4>
+<p>A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and
+cheerful part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord
+Melbourne as an inmate, when an ungrateful nation shall have
+induced his retirement from office. Her establishment is chiefly
+composed of single ladies, addicted to backgammon, birds, and bible
+meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel delighted in the society of
+a man of Lord Melbourne&rsquo;s acknowledged gallantry. The
+dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is
+generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long
+penny points if he wished it.</p>
+<p class="cen">Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.</p>
+<h4>3.</h4>
+<p>Grosjean, Restaurateur, <em>Castle-street,
+Leicester-square</em>, a l&rsquo;honneur de pr&eacute;venir Milord
+Melbourne qu&rsquo;il se trouvera bien servi &agrave; son
+&eacute;tablissement. Il peut commander un bon potage an choux,
+trois plats, avec pain &agrave; discretion, et une pinte de
+demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement avoir ses sacs
+souffl&eacute;s<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4. French
+idiom&mdash;&ldquo;He will be well able to blow his bags
+out!&rdquo;&mdash;PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the
+show&mdash;the foreign gentleman.</span> pour un schilling. La
+soci&eacute;t&eacute; est tr&egrave;s comme-il-faut, et on ne donne
+rien au gar&ccedil;on.</p>
+<h4>4.</h4>
+<p>(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a
+lady of the bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)</p>
+<p>Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,</p>
+<p>My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I
+listened to the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored
+image haunts me night and day. How is the treasury?&mdash;can you
+still spare me ten shillings?</p>
+<p class="rgt">YOURS,<br />
+AMANDA.</p>
+<h4>5.</h4>
+<p>JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord
+Melbourne his Bachelor&rsquo;s Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It
+will roast, bake, boil, stew, steam, melt butter, toast bread, and
+diffuse a genial warmth at one and the same time, for the outlay of
+one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for <em>lamb</em>, in any
+form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably adapted
+for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne
+may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.</p>
+<p>High Holborn.</p>
+<h4>6.</h4>
+<p>May it plese my Lord,&mdash;i have gest time to Rite and let you
+kno&rsquo; wot a sad plite we are inn, On account off your
+lordship&rsquo;s inwitayshun to queen Wictory and Prince Allbut to
+come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is nothink for them wen
+they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok&rsquo;d up with the sut
+as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old
+cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum
+cold meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers&rsquo;
+markut-dinner; and may I ask you my lord without fear of your</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-31.png"><img src=
+"images/006-31.png" alt="An official-looking man nabs another." id=
+"img006-31" name="img006-31" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>TAKING A FENCE</p>
+</div>
+<p>on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to
+me&mdash;two pound will be Enuff&mdash;or a quarter kitt off
+pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I wish you may; and sum
+german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut with; and, praps,
+as he and his missus knos they&rsquo;ve come to Take pot-luck like,
+they won&rsquo;t be patickler, and I think we had better order the
+beer from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the
+brooer says, that a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon,
+won&rsquo;t keep no Time, unless it&rsquo;s drunk; and so we guv
+some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and he sed It only
+wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water; and
+John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some
+fish; and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too,
+from</p>
+<p class="cen">Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,</p>
+<p class="rgt">MISSES RUMMIN.</p>
+<h4>7.</h4>
+<p>MY LORD,&mdash;Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp
+when the door is opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have
+men, accustomed to descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will
+undertake the job at a moderate price. Should you labour under any
+temporary pecuniary embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to
+take it out in your wine, which I should think had been some years
+in bottle. Your Lordship&rsquo;s most humble servant,</p>
+<p>RICHARD ROSE,<br />
+Dealer in Marine Stores.<br />
+Gray&rsquo;s-inn-lane.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>LAYS OF THE LAZY.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I&rsquo;ve wander&rsquo;d on the distant shore,</p>
+<p class="i2">I&rsquo;ve braved the dangers of the deep,</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve very often pass&rsquo;d the Nore&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">At Greenwich climb&rsquo;d the well-known steep;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve sometimes dined at Conduit House,</p>
+<p class="i2">I&rsquo;ve taken at Chalk Farm my tea,</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve at the Eagle talk&rsquo;d with Rouse&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But I have NOT <em>forgotten thee</em>!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve stood amid the glittering throng&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,</p>
+<p>Where I have heard the Chinese gong</p>
+<p class="i2">Filling, with brazen voice, the air.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve join&rsquo;d wild revellers at night&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I&rsquo;ve crouch&rsquo;d beneath the old oak
+tree,</p>
+<p>Wet through, and in a pretty plight,</p>
+<p class="i2">But, oh! I&rsquo;ve NOT <em>forgotten thee</em>!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I&rsquo;ve earn&rsquo;d, at times, a pound a week&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Alas! I&rsquo;m earning nothing now;</p>
+<p>Chalk scarcely shames my whiten&rsquo;d cheek,</p>
+<p class="i2">Grief has plough&rsquo;d furrows in my brow.</p>
+<p>I only get one meal a day,</p>
+<p class="i2">And that one meal&mdash;oh, God!&mdash;my tea;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;m wasting silently away,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I have NOT <em>forgotten thee</em>!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>My days are drawing to their end&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I&rsquo;ve now, alas! no end in view;</p>
+<p>I never had a real friend&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I wear a worn-out black <em>surtout</em>,</p>
+<p>My heart is darken&rsquo;d o&rsquo;er with woe,</p>
+<p class="i2">My trousers whiten&rsquo;d at the knee,</p>
+<p>My boot forgets to hide my toe&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But I have NOT <em>forgotten thee</em>!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.</h3>
+<p>The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the
+theme of admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of
+her attention to general affairs, and consideration for the
+accidents of the future, has occurred lately. The lodge at
+Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of Queen Charlotte, an
+out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been constructed (by
+command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a similar
+purpose.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/006-32.png"><img src=
+"images/006-32.png" alt="A man takes a chicken into a cellar." id=
+"img006-32" name="img006-32" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>FAMILIES SUPPLIED.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+<h2>WIT WITHOUT MONEY:</h2>
+<h3>OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.</h3>
+<h4>BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ</h4>
+<h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;A clever fellow, that Horseleech!&rdquo; &ldquo;When
+Vampyre is once drawn out, what a great creature it is!&rdquo;
+These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I frequently heard
+murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling ears, as
+I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a
+greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever
+fellow, is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre,
+whether drawn out or held in, is a poor creature, not a great
+creature&mdash;opaque, not luminous&mdash;in a word, by nature, a
+very dull dog indeed.</p>
+<p>But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.&mdash;Hunger
+may be said to be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which
+the bluntest wits are sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by
+industry and perseverance&mdash;which necessity will inevitably
+superinduce&mdash;the most dreary dullard that ever carried timber
+between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily convert
+himself into a seeming Sheridan&mdash;a substitutional Sydney
+Smith&mdash;a second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having
+written Jacqueline.</p>
+<p>Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a
+particle of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane
+chapmen, is all plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has
+shaken sides long since quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must
+do likewise.</p>
+<p>The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was
+going to say groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful
+well-worded invitations to luxuriously-appointed tables. I count
+not him, hapless wretch! as one who, singling out &ldquo;a
+friend,&rdquo; drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible
+remnants of last Tuesday&rsquo;s joint, cognizant of curses in the
+throat of his host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his
+hostess. No struggle there, on the part of the children, &ldquo;to
+share the good man&rsquo;s knee;&rdquo; but protruded eyes, round
+as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately upon his
+flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their
+miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.</p>
+<p>To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be
+a universal diner-out. Lively with the light&mdash;airy with the
+sparkling&mdash;brilliant with the blithe, he must also be grave
+with the serious&mdash;heavy with the profound&mdash;solemn with
+the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the sentimental&mdash;to
+condole with the afflicted&mdash;to prove with the
+practical&mdash;to be a theorist with the speculative.</p>
+<p>To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a
+tradition that birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their
+tails, so the best and the most numerous dinners are secured by a
+judicious management of Attic salt.</p>
+<p>I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his
+imitators&mdash;of that Joseph and his brethren, I mean, whom a
+friend of mine calls &ldquo;<em>The</em> Miller and his
+men&rdquo;&mdash;I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh
+exhausted. Yet I have known very ancient jokes turned with
+advantage, so as to look almost equal to new. But this requires
+long practice, ere the final skill be attained.</p>
+<p>Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read,
+and were pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely
+consulted, and rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you
+mingle some of your own dulness with their brighter matter, or you
+will overshoot the mark. You will be too witty&mdash;a fatal error.
+True wits eat no dinners, save of their own providing; and, depend
+upon it, it is not their wit that will now-a-days get them their
+dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.</p>
+<p>When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known.
+The time is gone by for dwelling upon&mdash;&ldquo;Dean Swift
+said&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Quin, the actor,
+remarked&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;The facetious Foote was
+once&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;That reminds me of what
+Sheridan&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the
+other day with&rdquo;&mdash;and the like. Your ha!
+ha!&mdash;especially should it precede the name of Sam
+Rogers&mdash;would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It
+would be changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. <em>Verbum
+sat</em>.</p>
+<p>I would have you be careful to <em>sort</em> your pleasantries.
+Your soup jokes (never hazard that one about Marshal
+<em>Turenne</em>, it is really <em>too</em> ancient,) your fish,
+your flesh, your fowl jests&mdash;your side-shakers for the side
+dishes&mdash;your puns for the pastry&mdash;your after-dinner
+excruciators.</p>
+<p>Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck,
+which is unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you
+sit down to table with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of
+an inferior quality. Your object is to make men laugh. It must be
+done. I have known a pathetic passage, quoted timely and with a
+happy emphasis from a popular novel&mdash;say, &ldquo;Alice, or the
+Mysteries&rdquo;&mdash;I have known it, I say, do more execution
+upon the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the
+evening. (There is one passage in that &ldquo;thrilling&rdquo;
+performance, where Alice, overjoyed that her lover is restored to
+her, is represented as frisking about him like a dog around his
+long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I have taken it in hand,
+has been rewarded with the most vociferous and gleesome
+laughter.)</p>
+<p>And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I
+know not whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man,
+however stentorian his lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a
+view to engage him as a cachinnatory machine. A confederate may
+become a traitor&mdash;a rival he is pretty certain of becoming.
+Besides, strive as you may, you can never secure an altogether
+unexceptionable individual&mdash;one who will &ldquo;go the whole
+hyaena,&rdquo; and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he
+once start &ldquo;lion&rdquo; on his own account, furnished with
+your original roar, with which you yourself have supplied him,
+good-bye to your supremacy. &ldquo;Farewell, my trim-built
+wherry&rdquo;&mdash;he is in the same boat only to capsise you.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And the first lion thinks the last a bore,&rdquo;</p>
+<p>and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work
+out your own ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and
+is likely to be formidable.</p>
+<p>I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future
+time. My space at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as
+yet entered upon the subject.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>LAM(B)ENTATIONS.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Ye banks and braes o&rsquo; Buckingham,</p>
+<p>How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair,</p>
+<p>When I am on my latest legs,</p>
+<p>And may not bask amang ye mair!</p>
+<p>And you, sweet maids of honour,&mdash;come,</p>
+<p>Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn,</p>
+<p>For your old flame must now depart,</p>
+<p>Depart, oh! never to return!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Oft have I roam&rsquo;d o&rsquo;er Buckingham,</p>
+<p>From room to room, from height to height;</p>
+<p>It was such pleasant exercise,</p>
+<p>And gave me <em>such</em> an appetite!</p>
+<p>Yes! when the <em>dinner-hour</em> arrived,</p>
+<p>For me they never had to wait,</p>
+<p>I was the first to take my chair,</p>
+<p>And spread my ample napkin straight.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And if they did not quickly come,</p>
+<p>After the dinner-bell had knoll&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p>I just ran up my <em>private stairs</em>,</p>
+<p>To say the things were getting cold!</p>
+<p>But now, farewell, ye pantry steams,</p>
+<p>(The sweets of premiership to me),</p>
+<p>Ye gravies, relishes, and creams,</p>
+<p>Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Full well I mind the days gone by,&mdash;</p>
+<p>&lsquo;Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine;</p>
+<p>Then <em>John</em> and <em>Pal</em> sang o&rsquo; <em>their</em>
+luck,</p>
+<p>And fondly sae sang I o&rsquo; mine!</p>
+<p>But now, how sad the scene, and changed!</p>
+<p><em>Johnny</em> and <em>Pal</em> are glad nae mair!</p>
+<p>Oh! banks and braes o&rsquo; Buckingham!</p>
+<p>How <em>can</em> you bloom sae fresh and fair!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>CHELSEA.</h3>
+<h4>(From our own Correspondent.)</h4>
+<p>This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The
+steam-boats bring down hundreds every day, and in the evening take
+them all back again. Mr. Jones has engaged a lodging for the week,
+and other families are spoken of. A ball is also talked about; but
+it is not yet settled who is to give it, nor where it is to be
+given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very general at the
+leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number of
+persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged
+for the season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more
+than one musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the
+talented artist who plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with
+his elbow, the triangle with his shoulder, the bells with this
+head, and the Pan&rsquo;s pipes with his mouth&mdash;thus uniting
+the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of an
+individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have
+been imported within the last few days, and there is every
+probability of this pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable
+rival to the old-established watering-places.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page72" name="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+<h2>THE DRAMA.</h2>
+<h3>FOREIGN AFFAIRS,</h3>
+<h4>OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE.</h4>
+<p>Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young
+gentlemen who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given
+in marriage. At all events, some conjecture of the sort is
+necessary to make the plot of the piece we are noticing somewhat
+probable&mdash;that being the precise circumstance upon which it
+hinges. The <em>Count St. Louis</em>, a youthful
+<em>attach&eacute;</em> of the French embassy, becomes attached, by
+a marriage contract, to <em>Lady Bell</em>, a maid of honour to
+Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of a wife quite nineteen,
+would, according to the natural course of things, be very
+considerably hen-pecked; and <em>St. Louis</em>, foreseeing this,
+determines to begin. Well, he insists upon having &ldquo;article
+five&rdquo; of the marriage contract cancelled; for, by this
+stipulation, he is to be separated from his wife, on the evening of
+the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five years. He storms,
+swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding present of
+sugar-plums&mdash;everybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his
+expense&mdash;the wife treats him with contempt, and plays the
+scornful. The hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation,
+determines to prove himself a man.</p>
+<p>At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy
+matter. <em>St. Louis</em> writes love-letters to several maids of
+honour and to a citizen&rsquo;s wife, finishing the first act by
+invading the private apartments of the maiden ladies belonging to
+the court of the chaste Queen Anne.</p>
+<p>The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order
+of the Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by
+the love-letters are hatching, by running into debt, and being
+surrounded by duns. The intrigues are not long in coming to a head,
+for two ladies visit him separately in secret, and allow themselves
+to be hid in those never-failing adjuncts to a piece of dramatic
+intrigue&mdash;a couple of closets, which are used exactly in the
+same manner in &ldquo;Foreign Affairs,&rdquo; as in all the farces
+within the memory of man&mdash;<em>ex. gr.</em>:&mdash;The hero is
+alone; one lady enters cautiously. A tender interchange of
+sentiment ensues&mdash;a noise is heard, and the lady screams.
+&ldquo;Ah! that closet!&rdquo; Into which exit lady. Then enter
+lady No. 2. A second interchange of tender things&mdash;another
+noise behind. &ldquo;No escape?&rdquo; &ldquo;None! and yet, happy
+thought, that closet.&rdquo; Exit lady No. 2, into closet No.
+2.</p>
+<p>This is exactly as it happens in &ldquo;Foreign Affairs.&rdquo;
+The second noise is made by the husband of one of the concealed
+ladies, and the lover of the other. Here, out of the old
+&ldquo;closet&rdquo; materials, the dramatist has worked up one of
+the best situations&mdash;to use an actor&rsquo;s word&mdash;we
+ever remember to have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is
+really worth all the money to go and see it. Let our readers do so.
+The &ldquo;Affairs&rdquo; end by the boy fighting a couple of duels
+with the injured men; and thus, crowning the proof of his manhood,
+gets his wife to tolerate&mdash;to love him.</p>
+<p>The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was
+admirably acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured
+lovers&mdash;Mr. Strickland and Mrs. Stirling, as a vulgar citizen
+and citizeness&mdash;by Miss P. Horton as <em>Lady
+Bell</em>&mdash;and even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small
+part&mdash;that of a barber&mdash;with great skill. Lastly, Madlle.
+Celeste, as the hero, acquitted herself to admiration. We suppose
+the farce is called &ldquo;Foreign Affairs&rdquo; out of compliment
+to this lady, who is the only &ldquo;Foreign Affair&rdquo; we could
+discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated
+from the French, which is, strictly, an affair of the
+author&rsquo;s.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>MARY CLIFFORD.</h3>
+<p>If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and
+delicate sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for
+scenery painted on the spot, but like nothing in nature except
+canvas and colour&mdash;go to the Victoria and see &ldquo;Mary
+Clifford.&rdquo; It may, perhaps, startle you to learn that the
+incidents are faithfully copied from the &ldquo;Newgate
+Calendar,&rdquo; and that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of
+apprentice-killing notoriety; but be not alarmed, there is nothing
+horrible or revolting in the drama&mdash;it is merely
+laughable.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl,&rdquo;
+is very appropriately introduced to the auditor, first outside the
+gates of that &ldquo;noble charity-school,&rdquo; taking leave of
+some of her accidental companions. Here sympathy is first awakened.
+Mary is just going out to &ldquo;place,&rdquo; and instead of
+saying &ldquo;good bye,&rdquo; which we have been led to believe is
+the usual form of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song
+with such heart-rending expression, that everybody cries except the
+musicians and the audience. To assist in this lachrymose operation,
+the girls on the stage are supplied with clean white
+aprons&mdash;time out mind a charity-girl&rsquo;s
+pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and
+Mrs. Brownrigg&rsquo;s domestic arrangements, and are made
+acquainted with their private characters&mdash;a fine stroke of
+policy on the part of the author; for one naturally pities a poor
+girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the corners of so many
+white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one sees into
+whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family are
+people of taste&mdash;peculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs.
+B. has a taste for starving apprentices&mdash;her son, Mr. Jolin
+B., for seducing them&mdash;and Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life,
+a pot of porter, and a pipe. Into the bosom of this amiable family
+Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble for her virtue and her meals!
+not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow in commencing his
+gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary, seeing that
+she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one William
+Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker.
+During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her
+&ldquo;heart&rsquo;s master,&rdquo; the journeyman baker. But there
+is another and more terrible invocation. In classic plays they
+invoke &ldquo;the gods&rdquo;&mdash;in Catholic I ones, &ldquo;the
+saints&rdquo;&mdash;the stage Arab appeals to
+&ldquo;Allah&rdquo;&mdash;the light comedian swears &ldquo;by the
+lord Harry&rdquo;&mdash;but <em>Mary Clifford</em> adds a new and
+impressive invocative to the list. When young Brownrigg attempts to
+kiss, or his mother to flog her, she casts her eyes upward, kneels,
+and placing her hands together in an attitude of prayer, solemnly
+calls upon&mdash;&ldquo;the governors of the Foundling
+Hospital!!&rdquo; Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems
+to produce upon her persecutors! They release her
+instantly&mdash;they slink back abashed and trembling&mdash;they
+hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a clear stage
+for a soliloquy or a song.</p>
+<p>We really <em>must</em> stop here, to point out to dramatic
+authors the importance of this novel form of conjuration. When the
+history of Fauntleroy comes to be dramatised, the lover will, of
+course, be a banker&rsquo;s clerk: in the depths of distress and
+despair into which he will have to be plunged, a prayer-like appeal
+to &ldquo;the Governor and Company of the Bank of England,&rdquo;
+will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience.
+The old exclamations of &ldquo;Gracious
+powers!&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Great heavens!&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;By
+heaven, I swear!&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c., may now be abandoned; and,
+after &ldquo;Mary Clifford,&rdquo; Bob Acres&rsquo; tasteful system
+of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the tragic
+drama, but considerably augmented.</p>
+<p>But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really &ldquo;go
+and tell&rdquo; the illustrious governors, she is kept a close
+prisoner, and finishes the first act by a conspiracy with a
+fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape.</p>
+<p>Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12,
+Fetter-lane, in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing,
+glazing, and pepper-line; and, in the next act, a correct view is
+exhibited of the exterior of his shop, painted, we are told, from
+the most indisputable authorities of the time. Here, in Fetter,
+lane, the romance of the tale begins:&mdash;A lady enters, who,
+being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked,
+unquestioned, to tell the audience a story&mdash;how that she
+married in early life&mdash;that her husband was pressed to sea a
+day or two after the wedding&mdash;that she in due time became a
+mother, and (affectionate creature!) left the dear little pledge at
+the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was sixteen years ago.
+Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby back again;
+but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that her
+daughter has been just &ldquo;put apprentice&rdquo; in the very
+house before which she tells the story&mdash;part of it as great a
+fib as ever was told; for children once inside the walls of that
+&ldquo;noble charity,&rdquo; never know who left them there; and
+any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is punished
+with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the
+awful &ldquo;governors.&rdquo; This lady, who bears all the romance
+of the piece upon her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost
+husband at the Ship, in Wapping, and instead of seeking her
+daughter, repairs thither, having done all the author required, by
+emptying her budget of fibs.</p>
+<p>The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe
+it as <em>Mrs. Brownrigg&rsquo;s</em> &ldquo;wash-house, kitchen,
+and skylight&rdquo;&mdash;the sky-light forming a most impressive
+object. Poor <em>Mary Clifford</em> is chained to the floor, her
+face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry.
+Here the heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and
+stentorian eloquence, but is interrupted by <em>Mr. Clipson</em>,
+whose face appears framed and glazed in the broken sky-light. A
+pathetic dialogue ensues, and the lover swears he will rescue his
+mistress, or &ldquo;perish in the attempt,&rdquo; &ldquo;calling
+upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer,&rdquo; to make known her
+sufferings. The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and <em>Toby
+Bensling</em>, alias <em>Richard Clifford</em>, enters to inform
+his hearers that he is the missing father of the injured foundling,
+and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short voyage, lasting
+sixteen years! He is on his way to the &ldquo;Admiralty,&rdquo; to
+receive some pay&mdash;the more particularly, we imagine, as they
+always pay sailors at Somerset House&mdash;and <em>then</em> to
+look after his wife. But she saves him the trouble by entering with
+<em>Mr. William Clipson</em>. The usual &ldquo;Whom do I
+see?&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Can it be?&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;After so
+long an absence!&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c., having been duly uttered
+and begged to, they all go to see after <em>Mary</em>, find her in
+a cupboard in Mrs. B.&rsquo;s back-parlour, and&mdash;the act-drop
+falls.</p>
+<p>We must confess we approach a description of the third act with
+diffidence. Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more
+sombre sound&mdash;ink of a darker hue, than we can command. The
+third scene is, in particular, too extravagantly touching for
+ordinary nerves to witness. <em>Mary Clifford</em> is in
+bed&mdash;French bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because
+such things were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg)
+stands exactly in the middle of the stage&mdash;a chest of drawers
+is placed behind, and a table on each side, to balance the picture.
+The lover leans over the head, the mother sits at the foot, the
+father stands at the side: <em>Mary Clifford</em> is insane, with
+lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is, she
+has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse
+concerning the great &ldquo;governors,&rdquo; her cruel mistress,
+and her naughty young master, interlarded with insane ejaculations,
+always considered stage property, such as, &ldquo;Ah, she
+comes!&rdquo; &ldquo;Nay, strike me not&mdash;I am
+guiltless!&rdquo; Again, &ldquo;Villain! what do you take me
+for?&mdash;unhand me!&rdquo; and all that. Then the dying part
+comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that she
+is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the
+gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm
+fall upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody
+says that she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to
+be changed.</p>
+<p>In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. <em>Mrs.
+Brownrigg</em>, having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in
+the condemned cell; her son by her side, and the fatal cart in the
+back-ground. Having been brought up genteelly, she declines the
+mode of conveyance provided for her journey to Tyburn with the
+utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does not seem to
+affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful &ldquo;drag&rdquo; she
+is doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and
+the curtain falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of
+an innocent audience.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 21, 1841, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 21, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 21, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14924]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 21, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WIFE-CATCHERS.
+
+A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS.
+
+_In Four Chapters._
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+
+[Illustration: T]The conversation now subsided into "private and
+confidential" whispers, from which I could learn that Miss O'Brannigan had
+consented to quit her father's halls with Terence that very night, and,
+before the priest, to become his true and lawful wife.
+
+It had been previously understood that those of the guests who lived at a
+distance from the lodge should sleep there that night. Nothing could have
+been more favourable for the designs of the lovers; and it was arranged
+between them, that Miss Biddy was to steal from her chamber into the yard,
+at daybreak, and apprise her lover of her presence by flinging a handful of
+gravel against his window. Terence's horse was warranted to carry double,
+and the lady had taken the precaution to secure the key of the stable where
+he was placed.
+
+It was long after midnight before the company began to separate;--cloaks,
+shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug of punch of extra strength was
+compounded, and a _doch an dhurris_[1] of the steaming beverage
+administered to every individual before they were permitted to depart. At
+length the house was cleared of its guests, with the exception of those who
+were to remain and take beds there. Amongst the number were the haberdasher
+and your uncle. The latter was shown into a chamber in which a pleasant
+turf fire was burning on the hearth.
+
+    [1] A drink at the door;--a farewell cup.
+
+Although Terence's mind was full of sweet anticipations and visions of
+future grandeur, he could not avoid feeling a disagreeable sensation
+arising from the soaked state of his boots; and calculating that it still
+wanted three or four hours of daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and
+comfortable for his morning's adventure. With this intention he drew us
+off, and placed us on the hearth before the fire, and threw himself on the
+bed--not to sleep--he would sooner have committed suicide--but to meditate
+upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her thousand pounds.
+
+But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by circumstances--the ducking,
+the dancing, and the _potteen_, had so exhausted Terence, that he
+unconsciously shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell
+fast asleep, and dreamed of running away with the heiress on his back,
+through a shaking bog, in which he sank up to the middle at every step. His
+vision was, however, suddenly dispelled by a smart rattle against his
+window. A moment was sufficient to recall him to his senses--he knew it was
+Miss Biddy's signal, and, jumping from the bed, drew back the cotton
+window-curtains and peered earnestly out: but though the day had begun to
+break, it was still too dark to enable him to distinguish any person on the
+lawn. In a violent hurry he seized on your humble servant, and endeavoured
+to draw me on; but, alas! the heat of the fire had so shrank me from my
+natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to introduce his
+leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage to the further corner
+of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot into my companion, which had
+been reduced to the same shrunken state as myself. In vain he tugged,
+swore, and strained; first with one, and then with another, until the
+stitches in our sides grinned with perfect torture; the perspiration rolled
+down his forehead--his eyes were staring, his teeth set, and every nerve in
+his body was quivering with his exertions--but still he could not force us
+on.
+
+"What's to be done!" he ejaculated in despairing accents. A bright thought
+struck him suddenly, that he might find a pair of boots belonging to some
+of the other visitors, with which he might make free on so pressing an
+emergency. It was but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake,
+on the following day. With this idea he sallied from his room, and groped
+his way down stairs to find the scullery, where he knew the boots were
+deposited by the servant at night. This scullery was detached from the main
+building, and to reach it it was necessary to cross an angle of the yard.
+Terence cautiously undid the bolts and fastenings of the back door, and was
+stealthily picking his steps over the rough stones of the yard, when he was
+startled by a fierce roar behind him, and at the same moment the teeth of
+Towser, the great watch-dog, were fastened in his nether garments. Though
+very much alarmed, he concealed his feelings, and presuming on a slight
+previous intimacy with his assailant, he addressed him in a most familiar
+manner, calling him "poor fellow" and "old Towser," explained to him the
+ungentlemanly liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested him
+to let go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was,
+however, not to be talked out of his private notions; he foully suspected
+your uncle of being on no good design, and replied to every remonstrance he
+made with a growl and a shake, that left no doubt he would resort to more
+vigorous measures in case of opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for
+help, Terence was kept in this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death
+with cold and trembling with terror, until the morning was considerably
+advanced, when he was discovered by some of the servants, who released him
+from the guardianship of his surly captor. Without waiting to account for
+the extraordinary circumstances in which he had been found, he bolted into
+the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, and, locking the door, threw
+himself into a chair, overwhelmed with shame and vexation.
+
+But poor Terence's troubles were not half over. The beautiful heiress,
+after having discharged several volleys of sand and small pebbles against
+his window without effect, was returning to her chamber, swelling with
+indignation, when she was encountered on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no
+doubt prompted by the demon of jealousy, had been watching her movements.
+He could not have chosen a more favourable moment to plead his suit; her
+mortified vanity, and her anger at what she deemed the culpable
+indifference of her lover, made her eager to be revenged on him. It
+required, therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with
+the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in less than
+ten minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking the shortest road
+to the priest's.
+
+I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as soon as he
+learned the trick he had been served; he vowed to be the death of Tibbins,
+and it is probable he would have carried his threat into effect, if the
+haberdasher had not prudently kept out of his way until his anger had grown
+cool.
+
+"So," said I, addressing the narrator, "you lost the opportunity of
+figuring at Miss Biddy's wedding?"
+
+"Yes," replied the 'wife-catcher;' "but Terence soon retrieved his credit,
+for in less than three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we
+were legging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune
+and a prettier girl than the one he had lost: and, by-the-bye, that reminds
+me of a funny scene which took place when the bride came to throw the
+stocking--hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!"
+
+Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of laughter;
+while I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked gravely on, wondering
+when it would subside. Instead, however, of their laughter lessening, the
+cachinnations became so violent that I began to feel seriously alarmed.
+
+"My dear friends!" said I.
+
+"Hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!" shouted the pair.
+
+"This excessive mirth may be dangerous"--
+
+A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rolled from side to
+side on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put out my hand to support
+them, when a sense of acute pain made me suddenly withdraw it. I started,
+opened my eyes, and discovered that I had laid hold of the burning remains
+of the renowned "wife-catchers," which I had in my sleep placed upon the
+fire.
+
+As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient allies of our
+house, I resolved to record this strange adventure; but you know I never
+had much taste for writing, Jack, so I now confide the task to you. As he
+concluded, my uncle raised his tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a
+tear sparkling in his eye--a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the
+venerated "_Wife Catchers_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+  Wrote Paget to Pollen,
+    With face bright as brass,
+  "T'other day in the Town Hall
+    You mention'd an ass:
+
+  "Now, for family reasons,
+    I'd like much to know,
+  If on me you intended
+    That name to bestow?"
+
+  "My lord," says Jack Pollen,
+    "Believe me, ('tis true,)
+  I'd be sorry to slander
+    A donkey or you."
+
+  "Being grateful," says Paget,
+    "I'd ask you to lunch;
+  But just, Sir John, tell me.
+    Did you call me PUNCH?"
+
+  "In wit, PUNCH is equalled,"
+    Says Pollen, "by few;
+  In naming him, therefore,
+    I couldn't mean you,"
+
+  "Thanks! thanks! To bear malice,"
+    Save Paget, "I'm loath;
+  Two answers I've got, and I'm
+    Charm'd with them both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS.
+
+1.--THE CAUSE.
+
+  Lisette has lost her wanton wiles--
+    What secret care consumes her youth,
+  And circumscribes her smiles?--
+    _A spec on a front tooth!_
+
+
+2.--PRIDE.
+
+  Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and lords,
+    To steal a share of notoriety,
+  Will tell you, in important words,
+    He _mixes_ in the best society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN PRODUCE.
+
+We find, by the _Times_ of Saturday, the British _teasel_ crops in the
+parish of Melksham have fallen entirely to the ground, and from their
+appearance denote a complete failure. Another paragraph in the same paper
+speaks quite as discouragingly of the appearance of the American _Teazle_
+at the Haymarket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.--No. 2.
+
+THE ROYAL RHYTHMICAL ALPHABET,
+
+_To be said or sung by the Infant Princess._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A stands for ARISTOCRACY, a thing I should admire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+B stands for a BISHOP, who is clothed in soft attire;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+C beginneth CABINET, where Mamma keeps her _tools_;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+D doth stand for DOWNING-STREET, the "Paradise of Fools;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+E beginneth ENGLAND, that granteth the supplies;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+F doth stand for FOREIGNERS, whom I should patronize;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+G doth stand for GOLD--good gold!--for which man freedom barters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+H beginneth HONORS--that is, ribbons, stars, and garters;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I stands for my INCOME (several thousand pounds per ann.);
+
+[Illustration]
+
+J stands for JOHNNY BULL, a soft and easy kind of man;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+K beginneth KING, who rules the land by "right divine;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+L's for MRS. LILLY, who was once a nurse of mine.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M beginneth MELBOURNE, who rules _the roast_ and State;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+N stands for a NOBLEMAN, who's _always_ good and great.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O is for the OPERA, that I should only grace;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+P stands for the PENSION LIST, for "servants out of place."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Q's the QUARTER'S SALARY, for which true patriots long;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+R's for MRS. RATSEY, who taught _me_ this pretty song;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+S stands for the SPEECH, which Mummy learns to say;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+T doth stand for TAXES, which the people ought to pay;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+U's for the UNION WORK-HOUSE, which horrid paupers shun;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+V is for VICTORIA, "the Bess of forty-one;"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+W stands for WAR, the "noble game" which Monarchs play;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+X is for the TREBLE X--Lilly drank three times a day;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And Y Z's for the WISE HEADS, who admire all I say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+A COMPLETE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF ALL THE REQUISITES, DECORATIVE, EDUCATIONAL, AND
+RECREATIVE, FOR GENTILITY.
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+A popular encyclopaedia of the requisites for gentility--a companion to the
+toilet, the _salons_, the Queen's Bench, the streets, and the
+police-stations, has long been felt to be a desideratum by every one
+aspiring to good-breeding. The few works which treat on the subject have
+all become as obselete as "hot cockles" and "crambo." "The geste of King
+Horne," the "[Greek: BASILIKON]" of King Jamie, "Peacham's Complete
+Gentleman," "The Poesye of princelye Practice," "Dame Juliana Berners' Book
+of St. Alban's," and "The Jewel for Gentrie," are now confined to
+bibliopoles and bookstalls. Even more modern productions have shared the
+same fate. "The Whole Duty of Man" has long been consigned to the
+trunk-maker, "Chesterfield's Letters" are now dead letters, and the "Young
+Man" lights his cigar with his "Best Companion." It is true, that in lieu
+of these, several works have emanated from the press, adapted to the change
+of manners, and consequently admirably calculated to supply their places.
+We need only instance "The Flash Dictionary," "The Book of Etiquette," "A
+Guide to the Kens and Cribs of London," "The whole Art of Tying the
+Cravat," and "The Hand-book of Boxing;" but it remains for us to remove the
+disadvantages which attend the acquirement of each of these noble arts and
+sciences in a detached form.
+
+The possessor of an inquiring and genteel mind has now to wander for his
+politeness to Paternoster-row[2]; to Pierce Egan, for his knowledge of men
+and manners; and to Owen Swift, for his knightly accomplishments, and
+exercises of chivalry.
+
+    [2] "Book of Etiquette." Longman and Co.
+
+We undertake to collect and condense these scattered radii into one
+brilliant focus, so that a gentleman, by reading his "own book," may be
+made acquainted with the best means of ornamenting his own, or disfiguring
+a policeman's, person--how to conduct himself at the dinner-table, or at
+the bar of Bow-street--how to turn a compliment to a lady, or carry on a
+chaff with a cabman.
+
+These are high and noble objects! A wider field for social elevation cannot
+well be imagined. Our plan embraces the enlightenment and refinement of
+every scion of a noble house, and all the junior clerks in the government
+offices--from the happy recipient of an allowance of 50L per month from
+"the Governor," to the dashing acceptor of a salary of thirty shillings a
+week from a highly-respectable house in the City--from the gentleman who
+occupies a suite of apartments in the Clarendon, to the lodger in the
+three-pair back, in an excessively back street at Somers Town.
+
+With these incentives, we will proceed at once to our great and glorious
+task, confident that our exertions will be appreciated, and obtain for us
+an introduction into the best circles.
+
+PRELUDE.
+
+We trust that our polite readers will commence the perusal of our pages
+with a pleasure equal to that which we feel in sitting down to write them;
+for they call up welcome recollections of those days (we are literary and
+seedy now!) when our coats emanated from the laboratory of Stultz, our
+pantaloons from Buckmaster, and our boots from Hoby, whilst our glossy
+beaver--now, alas! supplanted by a rusty goss--was fabricated by no less a
+thatcher than the illustrious Moore. They will remind us of our Coryphean
+conquests at the Opera--our triumphs in Rotten row--our dinners at Long's
+and the Clarendon--our nights at Offley's and the watch-house--our glorious
+runs with the Beaufort hounds, and our exhilarating runs from the sheriffs'
+officers--our month's sporting on the heathery moors, and our day rule when
+rusticating in the Bench!
+
+We are in "the sear and yellow leaf"--there is nothing green about us now!
+We have put down our seasoned hunter, and have mounted the winged Pegasus.
+The brilliant Burgundy and sparkling Hock no longer mantle in our glass;
+but Barclay's beer--nectar of gods and coalheavers--mixed with
+hippocrene--the Muses' "cold without"--is at present our only beverage. The
+grouse are by us undisturbed in their bloomy mountain covert. We are now
+content to climb Parnassus and our garret stairs. The Albany, that
+sanctuary of erring bachelors, with its guardian beadle, are to us but
+memories, for we have become the denizens of a roomy attic (ring the top
+bell twice), and are only saluted by an Hebe of all-work and our printer's
+devil!
+
+ON DRESS IN GENERAL.--_L'habit fait le moine_.--It has been laid down by
+Brummel, Bulwer, and other great authorities, that "the tailor makes the
+man;" and he would be the most daring of sceptics who would endeavour to
+controvert this axiom. Your first duty, therefore, is to place yourself in
+the hands of some distinguished schneider, and from him take out your
+patent of gentility--for a man with an "elegant coat" to his back is like a
+bill at sight endorsed with a good name; whilst a seedy or ill-cut garment
+resembles a protested note of hand labelled "No effects." It will also be
+necessary for you to consult "The Monthly Book of Fashions," and to
+imitate, as closely as possible, those elegant and artistical productions
+of the gifted _burin_, which show to perfection "What a piece of work is
+man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!" &c.--You must not
+consult your own ease and taste (if you have any), for nothing is so vulgar
+as to suit your convenience in these matters, as you should remember that
+you dress to please others, and not yourself. We have heard of some
+eccentric individuals connected with noble families, who have departed from
+this rule; but they invariably paid the penalty of their rashness, being
+frequently mistaken for men of intellect; and it should not be forgotten,
+that any exercise of the mind is a species of labour utterly incompatible
+with the perfect man of fashion.
+
+The confiding characters of tailors being generally acknowledged, it is
+almost needless to state, that the _faintest_ indication of seediness will
+be fatal to your reputation; and as a presentation at the Insolvent Court
+is equally fashionable with that of St. James, any squeamishness respecting
+your inability to pay could only be looked upon as a want of moral courage
+upon your part, and
+
+[Illustration: UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF A GENTLEMAN.]
+
+[The subject of _dress in particular_ will form the subject of our next
+chapter.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IF I HAD A THOUSAND A-YEAR.
+
+A BACHELOR'S LYRIC.
+
+  If I had a thousand a-year,
+    (How my heart at the bright vision glows!)
+  I should never be crusty or queer,
+    But all would be _couleur de rose_.
+  I'd pay all my debts, though _outre_,
+    And of duns and embarrassments clear,
+  Life would pass like a bright summer day,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have such a spicy turn-out,
+    And a horse of such mettle and breed--
+  Whose points not a jockey should doubt,
+    When I put him at top of his speed.
+  On the foot-board, behind me to swing,
+    A tiger so small should appear,
+  All the nobs should protest "'twas the thing!"
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A villa I'd have near the Park,
+    From Town just an appetite-ride;
+  With fairy-like grounds, and a bark
+    O'er its miniature waters to glide.
+  There oft, 'neath the pale twilight star,
+    Or the moonlight unruffled and clear,
+  My meerschaum I'd smoke, or cigar,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  I'd have pictures and statues, with taste--
+    Such as ladies unblushing might view--
+  In my drawing and dining-rooms placed,
+    With many a gem of virtu.
+  My study should be an affair
+    The heart of a book-worm to cheer--
+  All compact, with its easy spring chair,
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  A cellar I'd have quite complete
+    With wines, so _recherche_, well stored;
+  And jovial guests often should meet
+    Round my social and well-garnish'd board.
+  But I would have a favourite few,
+    To my heart and my friendship _more_ dear;
+  And I'd marry--I mustn't tell who--
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+  With comforts so many, what more
+    Could I ask of kind Fortune to grant?
+  Humph! a few olive branches--say four--
+    As pets for my old maiden aunt.
+  Then, with health, there'd be nought to append.
+    To perfect my happiness here;
+  For the _utile et duloc_ would blend.
+    If I had a thousand a-year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MY UNCLE BUCKET.
+
+The Buckets are a large family! I am one of them--my uncle Job Bucket is
+another. We, the Buckets, are atoms of creation; yet we, the Buckets, are
+living types of the immensity of the world's inhabitants. We illustrate
+their ups and downs--their fulness and their emptiness--their risings and
+their falling--and all the several goods and ills, the world's denizens in
+general, and Buckets in particular, are undoubted heirs to.
+
+It hath ever been the fate of the fulness of one Bucket to guarantee the
+emptiness of another; and (mark the moral!) the rising Bucket is the
+richly-stored one; its sinking brother's attributes, like Gratiano's wit,
+being "an infinite deal of nothing." Hence the adoption of our name for the
+wooden utensils that have so aptly fished up this fact from the deep well
+of truth.
+
+There be certain rods that attract the lightning. We are inclined to think
+there be certain Buckets that invite kicking, and our uncle Job was one of
+them. He was birched at school for everybody but himself, for he never
+deserved it! He was plucked at college--because some practical joker placed
+a utensil, bearing his name, outside the door of the examining master, and
+our uncle Job Bucket being unfortunately present, laughed at the consequent
+abrasion of his, the examining master's, shins. He was called to the bar.
+His first case was, "Jane Smith _versus_ James Smith" (no relations). His
+client was the female. She had been violently assaulted. He mistook the
+initial--pleaded warmly for the opposing Smith, and glowingly described the
+disgraceful conduct of the veriest virago a legal adviser ever had the pain
+of speaking of. The verdict was, as he thought, on his side. The lady
+favoured him with a living evidence of all the attributes he was pleased to
+invent for her benefit, and left him with a proof impression of her nails
+upon his face, carrying with her, by way of _souvenir_, an ample portion of
+the skin thereof. Had the condensed heels of all the horses whose
+subscription hairs were wrought into his wig, with one united effort
+presented him with a kick in his abdominals, he could not have been more
+completely "knocked out of time" than he was by the mistake of those cursed
+initials. "_What about Smith?_" sent him out of court! At length he
+
+  "Cursed the bar, and declined."
+
+He next turned his attention to building. Things went on swimmingly during
+the erection--so did the houses when built. The proprietorship of the
+ground was disputed--our uncle Job had paid the wrong person. The buildings
+were knocked down (by Mr. Robins), and the individual who had benefited by
+the suppositionary ownership of the acres let on the building lease "bought
+the lot," and sent uncle Job a peculiarly well-worded legal notice,
+intimating, "his respectable presence would, for the future, approximate to
+a nuisance and trespass, and he (Job) would be proceeded against as the
+statutes directed, if guilty of the same."
+
+It is impossible to follow him through all his various strivings to do
+well: he commenced a small-beer brewery, and the thunder turned it all into
+vinegar; he tried vinegar, and nothing on earth could make it sour; he
+opened a milk-walk, and the parish pump failed; he invented a waterproof
+composition--there was fourteen weeks of drought; he sold his patent for
+two-and-sixpence, and had the satisfaction of walking home for the next
+three months wet through, from his gossamer to his _ci-devant_ Wellingtons,
+now literally, from their hydraulic powers, "_pumps_."
+
+He lost everything but his heart! And uncle Bucket was all heart! a red
+cabbage couldn't exceed it in size, and, like that, it seemed naturally
+predestined to be everlastingly in a pickle! Still it was a heart! You were
+welcomed to his venison when he had it--his present saveloy was equally at
+your service. He must have been remarkably attached to facetious elderly
+poultry of the masculine gender, as his invariable salute to the tenants of
+his "heart's core" was, "How are you, my jolly old cock?" Coats became
+threadbare, and defunct trousers vanished; waistcoats were never replaced;
+gossamers floated down the tide of Time; boots, deprived of all hope of
+future renovation by the loss of their _soles_, mouldered in obscurity; but
+the clear voice and chuckling salute were changeless as the statutes of the
+Medes and Persians, the price and size of penny tarts, or the accumulating
+six-and-eightpences gracing a lawyer's bill.
+
+Poor uncle Job Bucket's fortune had driven "him down the rough tide of
+power," when first and last we met; all was blighted save the royal heart;
+and yet, with shame we own the truth, we blushed to meet him. Why? ay, why?
+We own the weakness!--the heart, the goodly heart, was almost cased in
+rags!
+
+"Puppy!"
+
+Right, reader, right; we were a puppy. Lash on, we richly deserve it! but,
+consider the fearful influence of worn-out cloth! Can a long series of
+unchanging kindness balance patched elbows? are not cracked boots receipts
+in full for hours of anxious love and care? does not the kindness of a life
+fade "like the baseless fabric of a vision" before the withering touch of
+poverty's stern stamp? Have you ever felt--
+
+"Eh? what? No--stuff! Yes, yes--go on, go on."
+
+We will!--we blushed for our uncle's coat! His heart, God bless it, never
+caused a blush on the cheek of man, woman, child, or even angel, to rise
+for that. We will confess. Let's see, we are sixty now (we don't look so
+much, but we are sixty). Well, be it so. We were handsome once--is this
+vanity at sixty? if so, our grey hairs are a hatchment for the past. We
+were "swells once!--hurrah!--we were!" Stop, this is indecent--let us be
+calm--our action was like the proceeding of the denuder of well-sustained
+and thriving pigs, he who deprives them of their extreme obesive
+selvage--_vulgo_, "_we cut it fat_." Bond-street was cherished by our
+smile, and Ranelagh was rendered happy by the exhibition of our symmetry.
+Behold us hessianed in our haunts, touching the tips of well-gloved fingers
+to our passing friends; then fancy the opening and shutting of our back,
+just as Lord Adolphus Nutmeg claimed the affinity of "kid to kid," to find
+our other hand close prisoner made by our uncle Bucket.
+
+"How are you, old cock?"
+
+"Who's that, eh?"
+
+"A lunatic, my lord (what lies men tell!), and dangerous!"
+
+"Good day! [_Exit my lord_]. This way." We followed our uncle--the end of a
+blind alley gave us a resting-place.
+
+"Bravo!" exclaimed our uncle Bucket, "this is rare! I live here--dine with
+me!"
+
+A mob surrounded us--we acquiesced, in hopes to reach a place of shelter.
+
+"All right!" exclaimed he of the maternal side, "stand three-halfpence for
+your feed."
+
+We shelled the necessary out--he dived into a baker's shop--the mob
+increased--he hailed us from the door.
+
+"Thank God, this is your house, then."
+
+"Only my kitchen. Lend a hand!"
+
+A dish of steaming baked potatoes, surmounted by a fractional rib of
+consumptive beef, was deposited between the lemon-coloured receptacles of
+our thumbs and fingers--an outcry was raised at the court's end--we were
+almost mad.
+
+"Turn to the right--three-pair back--cut away while it's warm, and make
+yourself at home! I'll come with the beer!"
+
+We wished our _I_ had been in that bier! We rushed out--the gravy basted
+our _pants_, and greased our hessians! Lord Adolphus Nutmeg appeared at the
+entrance of the court. As we proceeded to our announced
+destination,--"Great God!" exclaimed his lordship, "the Bedlamite has
+bitten him!" A peal of laughter rang in our ears--we rushed into the wrong
+room, and our uncle Job Bucket picked us, the shattered dish, the reeking
+potatoes, and dislodged beef, from the inmost recesses of a wicker-cradle,
+where, spite the thumps and entreaties of a distracted parent, we were all
+engaged in overlaying a couple of remarkably promising twins! We can say no
+more on this frightful subject. But--
+
+  "Once again we met!"
+
+Our pride wanted cutting, and fate appeared determined to perform the
+operation with a jagged saw!
+
+Tom Racket died! His disease was infectious, and we had been the last
+person to call upon him, consequently we were mournful. Thick-coming
+fancies brooded in our brain--all things conspired against us; the day was
+damp and wretched--the church-bells emulated each other in announcing the
+mortalities of earth's bipeds--each _toll'd_ its tale of death. We thought
+upon our "absent friend." A funeral approached. We were still more gloomy.
+Could it be his? if so, what were his thoughts? Could ghosts but speak,
+what would he say? The coffin was coeval with us--sheets were rubicund
+compared to our cheeks. A low deep voice sounded from its very bowels--the
+words were addressed to us--they were, "Take no notice; it's the first
+time; it will soon be over!"
+
+"Will it?" we groaned.
+
+"Yes. I'm glad you know me. I'll tell you more when I come back."
+
+"Gracious powers! do you expect to return?"
+
+"Certainly! We'll have a screw together yet! There's room for us both in my
+place. I'll make you comfortable."
+
+The cold perspiration streamed from us. Was there ever anything so awful!
+Here was an unhappy subject threatening to call and see us at night, and
+then screw us down and make us comfortable.
+
+"Will you come?" exclaimed the dead again.
+
+"Never!" we vociferated with fearful energy.
+
+"Then let it alone; I didn't think you'd have cut me now; but wait till I
+show you my face."
+
+Horror of horrors!--the pall moved--a long white face peered from it. We
+gasped for breath, and only felt new life when we recognised our uncle Job
+Bucket, as the author of the conversation, and one of the bearers of the
+coffin! He had turned mute!--but that was a failure--no one ever died in
+his parish after his adopting that profession!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+He has been seen once since in the backwoods of America. His fate seemed
+still to follow him, and his good temper appeared immortal--his situation
+was more peculiar than pleasant. He was seated on a log, three hundred
+miles from any civilised habitation, smiling blandly at a broken axe (his
+only one), the half of which was tightly grasped in his right hand,
+pointing to the truant iron in the trunk of a huge tree, the first of a
+thriving forest of fifty acres he purposed felling; and, thus occupied, a
+solitary traveller passed our uncle Job Bucket, serene as the melting
+sunshine, and thoughtless as the wild insect that sported round the owner
+"of the lightest of light hearts."--PEACE BE WITH HIM.   FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.
+
+A gentleman of the name of Stuckey has discovered a new filtering process,
+by which "a stream from a most impure source may be rendered perfectly
+translucent and fit for all purposes." In the name of our rights and
+liberties! in the name of Judy and our country! we call upon the proper
+authorities to have this invaluable apparatus erected in the lobby of the
+House of Commons, and so, by compelling every member to submit to the
+operation of filtration, cleanse the house from its present accumulation of
+corruption, though we defy Stuckey himself to give it _brightness_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A THING UNFIT TO A(P)PEAR.
+
+  New honours heaped on _roue_ Segrave's name!
+  A cuckold's horn is then the trump of fame.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+EXTERNAL EXHIBITIONS.
+
+
+Under this head it is our intention, from time to time, to revert to
+numberless free exhibitions, which, in this advancement-of-education age,
+have been magnanimously founded with a desire to inculcate a knowledge of,
+and disseminate, by these liberal means, an increased taste for the arts in
+this vast metropolis. We commence not with any feelings of favouritism, nor
+in any order of ability, our pleasures being too numerously divided to be
+able to settle as to which ought to be No. 1, but because it is necessary
+to commence--consequently we would wish to settle down in company with the
+amiable reader in front of a tobacconist's shop in the Regent Circus,
+Piccadilly; and as the principal attractions glare upon the astonishment of
+the spectators from the south window, it is there in imagination that we
+are irresistibly fixed. Before we dilate upon the delicious peculiarities
+of the exhibition, we deem it absolutely a matter of justice to the
+noble-hearted patriot who, imitative of the Greeks and Athenians of old,
+who gave the porticoes of their public buildings, and other convenient
+spots, for the display of their artists' productions, has most generously
+appropriated the chief space of his shop front to the use and advantage of
+the painter, and has thus set a bright example to the high-minded havannah
+merchants and contractors for cubas and c'naster, which we trust will not
+be suffered to pass unobserved by them.
+
+The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which enchain the
+beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman (_par excellence_)
+seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel style of ease, the envy, we venture to
+affirm, of every omnibus cad and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot
+afford them occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest
+cigar in the shop--not only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us not,
+but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has, moreover, by some
+extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence, made him typical of the
+locality--we allude to the Bull-and-Mouth--seated at a table evidently made
+and garnished for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the
+act of drinking his own health, or that of "all absent friends," probably
+coupling with it some little compliment to a favourite dog, one of the true
+Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon breed, who appears to be paying suitable
+attention. A huge pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon
+the ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this
+spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us
+immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and executed
+with that characteristic attention so observable in the works of this
+master[3], and that the fruit-knife, fork, cork-screw, decanter, and
+chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the _Art Union_ would have it), are truly
+excellent. The only drawback upon the originality of the subject is the
+handkerchief on the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any
+other portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as it
+may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of Sir Thomas
+Lawrence's portrait of George the Fourth; nevertheless, we in part excuse
+this, from the known difficulty attendant upon the representation of a
+gentleman seated in enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without
+associating it with a veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his
+"Sunday out," may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower tenements
+in Belgrave-square, or some such _locale_, paying violent attentions to the
+housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated with the order of the handkerchief,
+to preserve his crimson plush in all its glowing purity. We cannot take
+leave of this interesting work without declaring our opinion that the
+composition (of the frame) is highly creditable.
+
+    [3] We have forgotten the artist's name--perhaps never knew it; but
+        we believe it is the same gentleman who painted the great
+        author of "Jack Sheppard."
+
+Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a representation
+of a young lady, as seen when presenting a full-blown flower to a favourite
+parrot. There is a delicate simplicity in the attitude and expression of
+the damsel, which, though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous
+figures of Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of
+ladies many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever
+mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affections--a feline
+companion--may be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely skewered, in
+advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been careful to retain to
+eminent success. We are, nevertheless, woefully at a loss to divine what
+the allegory can possibly be (for as such we view it), what the analogy
+between a pretty poll and a pol-yanthus. We are unlearned in the language
+of flowers, or, perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral
+discussion. We are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of
+freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of
+communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the meantime
+we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the work as a
+general whole--the young lady--the parrot--the polyanthus, and the
+chiaro-scuro, are as excellent as usual in this our most amusing painter's
+productions.
+
+As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a young
+gentleman upon a half-holiday--and, equipped with cricket means, his
+dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the left arm gracefully
+encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown a genuine "Duke." The
+sentiment of this picture is unparalleled, and to the young hero of any
+parish eleven is given a stern expression of Lord's Marylebone ground. We
+can already (aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future
+generation of cricketers, "shoulder his bat, and show how games were won."
+The bat is well drawn and coloured with much truth, and with that strict
+observance of harmony which is so characteristic of the excellences of art.
+The artist has felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with
+that of the young gentleman's head. As to the ball, we do not recollect
+ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old masters so true to
+nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the jacket, and the button-holes,
+companions thereto, would baffle the criticism of the most hyper-fastidious
+stab-rag; and the shirt collar, with every other detail--never forgetting
+the chiaro-scuro--are equal to any of the preceding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.
+
+We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals extraordinary, with
+which we had intended to favour the public, when the following bill reached
+us. We feel that its contents partake so strongly of what we had heretofore
+conceived the exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of
+plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we have
+resolved to give insertion to both.
+
+As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our _collaborateurs_ the
+preference.
+
+_Red Lion Court, Fleet Street._
+
+SIR,--Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give publicity to
+this bill, by _placing it in some conspicuous part of your Establishment_.
+The success of the undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at
+large, that I fear not your compliance in so good a cause.
+
+I am, Sir, your's very obediently,
+C. MITCHELL
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre, established for
+the full encouragement of English Living Dramatists._
+
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+
+The generous National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a Free Stage and Fair Play." The
+Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre seek to achieve both, for every
+English Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the _Law_, to present
+on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM (in effecting
+which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those elements of human nature,
+which must constitute the essential principles of every genuine Dramatic
+Production), they hope for such kind consideration as may be due to a work
+brought forward in obedient accordance with the regulations of _Acts of
+Parliament_, though labouring thereby under some consequent difficulties;
+the _Law_ for the Small Theatres Royal, and the _Law_ for the Large
+Theatres Royal, _not_ being one and the same _Law_. If, by these efforts, a
+beneficial alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic
+Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest class of
+Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the Public will
+Participate in their Triumph.
+
+On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the First Time,
+
+(_Interspersed with Songs and Music_).
+
+MARTINUZZI.
+
+BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ.
+
+Taken by him from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, _The Hungarian
+Daughter_.
+
+The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical arrangement the _Law_
+may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE.
+
+The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable qualities of the
+Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"Worthy of _the Stage_ in its best days."--The Courier.
+
+"Effective situations; if well acted, it _could not fail of
+success_."--_New Bell's Messenger_.
+
+"The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen on Mr. Stephens,
+for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works of modern dramatists, the
+truthful delineations of human passion, the chaste and splendid imagery,
+and continuous strain of fine poetry to be found in _The Hungarian
+Daughter_."--_Cambridge Journal_.
+
+"Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The Poet has availed
+himself of every tragic point, and brought together every element; nor,
+with the exception, of Mr. Knowles's _Love_, has there been a single Drama,
+within the last four years, presented on _the Stage_ at all
+comparable."--_Monthly Magazine_.
+
+After which will be performed, also for the First Time, An Original
+Entertainment in One Act, Entitled
+
+THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET!
+
+By the Author of _Jacob Faithful_, _Peter Simple_, _&c. &c._
+
+No Orders admitted.--No Free List, the Public Press excepted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now for _our_ penny trumpet.
+
+THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+
+READER,--Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to give publicity to
+the following announcement, _by buying up and distributing among your
+friends the whole of the unsold copies of this number_. The success of this
+undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, and of so
+little benefit to ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a
+cause.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+PUNCH.
+
+
+VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE.
+
+THEATRE ROYAL
+
+PERIPATETIC,
+
+WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND.
+
+_Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association established for the
+full encouragement of Timber Actors and Wooden-headed Dramatists_.
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC;
+
+OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET,
+
+The general National feelings of the British Public are proverbially
+interested in every endeavour to obtain "a blind alley, and no Fantoccini."
+Compelled by the New Police Act to move on, and so present our high tragic
+composition by small instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard
+has been had--_This parenthesis to be continued in our next_), we hope for
+such kind consideration as may be due, when it is remembered that the _law_
+for the _out-door_ PUNCH and the _law_ for the _in-door_ PUNCH is not one
+and the same _law_. Oh, law!
+
+On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be presented,
+
+(_Interspersed with Drum and Mouth Organ_),
+
+PUNCHINUZZI,
+
+BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ.
+
+Taken from his "magnificent" Dramatic Poem, entitled, "PUNCH NUTS UPON
+HIMSELF."
+
+The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of _Punchinuzzi_, are
+selected from a vast mass of similar notices.
+
+"This ere play 'ud draw at ony fare."--_The late Mr. Richardson_.
+
+"This happy poetic drama would be certain to command crowded and elegant
+_courts_."--_La Belle Assemblee_.
+
+"We have read _Punchinuzzi_, and we fearlessly declare that the mantle of
+that metropolitan bard, the late Mr. William Waters, has descended upon the
+gifted author."--_Observer_.
+
+"Worthy of the _streets_ in their best days."--_Fudge_.
+
+No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WHIGS' LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE QUEEN
+
+It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the opportunity
+presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of laying before his
+readers a copy of the original draft of the Speech decided upon at a late
+Cabinet Council. There is a novelty about it which pre-eminently
+distinguishes it from all preceding orations from the throne or the
+woolsack, for it has a purpose, and evinces much kind consideration on the
+part of the Sovereign, in rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as
+grateful as possible to its surviving friends and admirers.
+
+There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins, combined with the
+rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout the oration. Indeed, it
+remained for the Whigs to add this crowning triumph to their policy; for
+who but Melbourne and Co. would have conceived the happy idea of converting
+the mouth of the monarch into an organ for puffing, and transforming
+Majesty itself into a _National Advertiser_?
+
+
+THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the invaluable
+    policy of my present talented and highly disinterested advisers, I
+    continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of their
+    amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my elegant
+    and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and of
+    their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the rest
+    of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet.
+
+    The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most
+    pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy
+    Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for
+    Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement
+    arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and
+    their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this
+    happy country.
+
+    I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute
+    diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary
+    of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and
+    complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing
+    his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy
+    justice of commemorating, by a _fete_ and inauguration at Boulogne,
+    the disinclination of the French, at a former period, to invade the
+    British dominions.
+
+
+    GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
+
+    I have directed the _estimates for the next fortnight_ to be laid
+    before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply
+    sufficient for the exigencies of my _present_ disinterested
+    advisers.
+
+    The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor of
+    the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in
+    reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure
+    of the state.
+
+
+    MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+
+    Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the
+    admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial
+    Department, and the brilliant author of "Don Carlos," for the
+    prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of the
+    present extravagant dietary of the Unions.
+
+    I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in
+    progress, by which it is proposed by my _non_-patronage Ministers
+    to call into requisition the talents of several literary
+    gentlemen--all intimate friends or relations of my deeply erudite
+    and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home
+    Department, and author of "Yes and No," (three vols. Colburn) for
+    the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and writing, and
+    the encouragement of circulating libraries all over the kingdom.
+
+    My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the
+    Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited "Essays by
+    a gentleman who has lately left his lodgings," totally changed his
+    opinions on the subject of the Corn Laws, a measure is in the
+    course of preparation with a view to the repeal of those laws, and
+    the continuance in office of my invaluable, tenacious, and
+    incomparable ministry.
+
+CAUTION.--We have just heard from a friend in Somerset House, that it is
+the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps, from the glaring puffs
+embodied in the above speech, to proceed for the advertisement duty against
+all newspapers in which it is inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully
+pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name, that he
+spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZAR'S FEAST.
+
+[Illustration: OLD GLORY'S WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE
+DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.]
+
+Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and
+enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general
+indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their
+master's shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to
+the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and
+his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he
+had forsaken his old party and joined Peel's, the "tops" magnanimously
+decided to forsake him, and force him to take to--Wellingtons. We have been
+favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the
+occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.
+
+In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the
+circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous's feast, which strongly
+remind us of Byron's Vision of Belshazzar.
+
+  Burdett was in the chair--
+    The Tories throng'd the hall--
+  A thousand lamps were there,
+    O'er that mad festival.
+  His crystal cup contain'd
+    The grape-blood of the Rhine;
+  Draught after draught he drain'd,
+    To drown his thoughts in wine.
+
+  In that same hour and hall
+    A shade like "Glory" came,
+  And wrote upon the wall
+    The records of his shame.
+  And at its fingers traced
+    The words, as with a wand,
+  The traitorous and debased
+    Upraised his palsied hand.
+
+  And in his chair he shook,
+    And could no more rejoice;
+  All bloodless wax'd his look,
+    And tremulous his voice.
+  "What words are those appear,
+    To mar my fancied mirth!
+  What bringeth 'Glory' here
+    To tell of faded worth?"
+
+  "False renegade! thy name
+    Was once the star which led
+  The free; but, oh! what shame
+    Encircles now thine head!
+  Thou'rt in the balance weigh'd,
+    And worthless found at last.
+  All! all! thou hast betray'd!"--
+    And so the spirit pass'd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. VI.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ANIMAL MAGNETISM:
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.
+
+PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY.
+
+This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced
+before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final
+decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present
+term,
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues _in forma
+pauperis_, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from
+setting a hungry Scotchman--one of their own creatures, without local or
+professional knowledge--over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal,
+though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager
+thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands
+themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the
+cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of
+gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its
+management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice
+to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company,
+in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with
+an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the
+office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functions--who had lived
+and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these
+functions--and by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who,
+instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would
+be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the
+company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they
+had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official
+assignees.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--What authorities can you cite for this application?
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather
+adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of
+this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs,
+been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and
+connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when
+injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued
+merely because it is the custom, or because it is an "old institution of
+the country."
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--I am quite astonished at your broaching such
+abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a
+Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, 'tis marvellous! Mr.
+Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a
+contempt of court.
+
+COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, in that case I decline the honour of
+addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged
+in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult
+added to terrible pecuniary punishment.
+
+LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--_Serve_ him right! We dismiss the application with
+costs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE.
+
+Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the
+chief tax must be upon the compiler's brain. We give the following as a
+direct proof to the contrary--one that has the authority of Lord Hamlet,
+who summed the matter up in three
+
+  "Words! Words! Words!"
+
+In one column we give a common-place household and familiar term--in the
+other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology:
+
+  Does your mother know | Is your maternal parent's natural solicitude
+  you are out?          | allayed by the information, that you have for
+                        | the present vacated your domestic roof?
+                        |
+  You don't lodge here, | You are geographically and statistically
+  Mr. Ferguson.         | misinformed; this is by no means the
+                        | accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr.
+                        | Ferguson.
+                        |
+  See! there he goes    | Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one
+  with his eye out.     | moiety of his visual organs!
+                        |
+  Don't you wish you    | Pray confess, are you not really particularly
+  may get it?           | anxious to obtain the desired object?
+                        |
+  More t'other.         | Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely
+                        | the entire extreme and the absolute reverse.
+                        |
+                        |
+  Quite different.      | Dissimilar as the far-extended poles, or the
+                        | deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark
+                        | denizens of Sol's sultry plains and the fair
+                        | rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow,
+                        | melting with envy on the peerless breast of
+                        | fair Circassia's ten-fold white-washed
+                        | daughters.
+                        |
+  Over the left.        | Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of
+Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in
+turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an
+_old Spencer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that
+have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the _reins_ of government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET.
+
+"COME OUT--WILL YOU!"
+
+The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has
+been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity.
+Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we
+discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord
+John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the
+repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for
+even _his_ powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the
+curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and
+scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by
+numbers, he must "come out" at last, and yield the victory to his numerous
+persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at
+drawing a badger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE
+
+(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.)
+
+The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties
+are going about declaring--not that we put any faith in what they say--that
+Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done
+this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he
+most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the
+policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very
+properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he
+will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports
+of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our
+parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give
+everything just as it reaches us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MONEY MARKET
+
+Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which
+gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital.
+
+A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being
+intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon
+equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no
+capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will
+be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal
+price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately.
+
+The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress
+very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which
+is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing
+interests.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded
+with scaffolds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS.
+
+Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and
+experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous
+duties of "looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes." A ten years'
+character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because
+the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No
+objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an
+extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in.
+Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street
+Without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It is very odd," said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, "that Tindal should
+have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain
+as A B C." "Yes," replied Thessiger, "but of what use is it that it should
+have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLEVER ROGUES.
+
+The _Belfast Vindicator_ has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for
+threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as "a piece of
+silver plate of beautiful workmanship," by which means he disposed of the
+ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of
+congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their "BOB," and having him
+described as "a rare piece of vertu(e) _premiere qualite_" in the
+expectation of securing a _crown_ by it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS.
+
+Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the
+motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely
+by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, _grown his own
+mattresses_, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of
+all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine
+square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum.
+The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy
+chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a
+pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M.
+recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough
+with a cat's-paw, and manure with Macassar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that
+the more appropriate title for a _Stair_, in raising him a step higher,
+would have been Lord _Landing-place_, or Viscount _Bannister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE'S LETTER-BAG.
+
+The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and
+scrubbing-brushes are at a premium--a little anticipative, it is true, of
+the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed
+confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered
+this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long
+been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the
+unfortunate _employes_ had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The
+routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the
+removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and
+which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to
+get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of
+receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were
+extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded
+tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed
+fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves.
+They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man
+must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:--
+
+
+1.
+
+MY LORD,--In the present critical state of your lordship's situation, it
+behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to
+assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your
+lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in
+Broad-street, St. Giles's, have long been held in high estimation by my
+customers, for
+
+[Illustration: BEEF A-LA-MODE;]
+
+and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and
+potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none.
+
+N.B. Please observe the address--Broad-street, St. Giles's.
+
+
+2.
+
+A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful
+part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate,
+when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office.
+Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to
+backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel
+delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbourne's acknowledged
+gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is
+generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny
+points if he wished it.
+
+Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.
+
+
+3.
+
+Grosjean, Restaurateur, _Castle-street, Leicester-square_, a l'honneur de
+prevenir Milord Melbourne qu'il se trouvera bien servi a son etablissement.
+Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain a
+discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement
+avoir ses sacs souffles[4] pour un schilling. La societe est tres
+comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au garcon.
+
+    [4] French idiom--"He will be well able to blow his bags
+        out!"--PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the
+        show--the foreign gentleman.
+
+
+4.
+
+(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the
+bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)
+
+Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,
+
+My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to
+the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me
+night and day. How is the treasury?--can you still spare me ten shillings?
+YOURS,
+
+AMANDA.
+
+
+5.
+
+JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his
+Bachelor's Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew,
+steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the
+same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for
+_lamb_, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably
+adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne
+may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.
+
+High Holborn.
+
+
+6.
+
+May it plese my Lord,--i have gest time to Rite and let you kno' wot a sad
+plite we are inn, On account off your lordship's inwitayshun to queen
+Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is
+nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok'd up with
+the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old
+cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold
+meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers' markut-dinner; and may I
+ask you my lord without fear of your
+
+[Illustration: TAKING A FENCE]
+
+on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to me--two pound will
+be Enuff--or a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I
+wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut
+with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos they've come to Take pot-luck
+like, they won't be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer
+from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that
+a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, won't keep no Time, unless
+it's drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and
+he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water;
+and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish;
+and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from
+
+Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,
+
+MISSES RUMMIN.
+
+
+7.
+
+MY LORD,--Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is
+opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to
+descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a
+moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary
+embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine,
+which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordship's most
+humble servant,
+
+RICHARD ROSE,
+
+Dealer in Marine Stores.
+
+Gray's-inn-lane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAYS OF THE LAZY.
+
+  I've wander'd on the distant shore,
+    I've braved the dangers of the deep,
+  I've very often pass'd the Nore--
+    At Greenwich climb'd the well-known steep;
+  I've sometimes dined at Conduit House,
+    I've taken at Chalk Farm my tea,
+  I've at the Eagle talk'd with Rouse--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  "I've stood amid the glittering throng"
+    Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,
+  Where I have heard the Chinese gong
+    Filling, with brazen voice, the air.
+  I've join'd wild revellers at night--
+    I've crouch'd beneath the old oak tree,
+  Wet through, and in a pretty plight,
+    But, oh! I've NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  I've earn'd, at times, a pound a week--
+    Alas! I'm earning nothing now;
+  Chalk scarcely shames my whiten'd cheek,
+    Grief has plough'd furrows in my brow.
+  I only get one meal a day,
+    And that one meal--oh, God!--my tea;
+  I'm wasting silently away,
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+  My days are drawing to their end--
+    I've now, alas! no end in view;
+  I never had a real friend--
+    I wear a worn-out black _surtout_,
+  My heart is darken'd o'er with woe,
+    My trousers whiten'd at the knee,
+  My boot forgets to hide my toe--
+    But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.
+
+The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of
+admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to
+general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has
+occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of
+Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been
+constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a
+similar purpose.
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIES SUPPLIED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WIT WITHOUT MONEY:
+
+OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.
+
+BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+"A clever fellow, that Horseleech!" "When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a
+great creature it is!" These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I
+frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling
+ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a
+greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow,
+is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or
+held in, is a poor creature, not a great creature--opaque, not luminous--in
+a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed.
+
+But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.--Hunger may be said to
+be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are
+sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverance--which
+necessity will inevitably superinduce--the most dreary dullard that ever
+carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily
+convert himself into a seeming Sheridan--a substitutional Sydney Smith--a
+second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline.
+
+Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle
+of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all
+plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since
+quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise.
+
+The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say
+groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to
+luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who,
+singling out "a friend," drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible
+remnants of last Tuesday's joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his
+host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle
+there, on the part of the children, "to share the good man's knee;" but
+protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately
+upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their
+miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.
+
+To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal
+diner-out. Lively with the light--airy with the sparkling--brilliant with
+the blithe, he must also be grave with the serious--heavy with the
+profound--solemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the
+sentimental--to condole with the afflicted--to prove with the practical--to
+be a theorist with the speculative.
+
+To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that
+birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and
+the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic
+salt.
+
+I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitators--of that Joseph
+and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls "_The_ Miller and his
+men"--I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have
+known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal
+to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained.
+
+Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were
+pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and
+rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own
+dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You
+will be too witty--a fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their
+own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will
+now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.
+
+When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time
+is gone by for dwelling upon--"Dean Swift said"--"Quin, the actor,
+remarked"--"The facetious Foote was once"--"That reminds me of what
+Sheridan"--"Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day with"--and the
+like. Your ha! ha!--especially should it precede the name of Sam
+Rogers--would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be
+changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. _Verbum sat_.
+
+I would have you be careful to _sort_ your pleasantries. Your soup jokes
+(never hazard that one about Marshal _Turenne_, it is really _too_
+ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jests--your side-shakers for the
+side dishes--your puns for the pastry--your after-dinner excruciators.
+
+Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck, which is
+unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you sit down to table
+with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of an inferior quality. Your
+object is to make men laugh. It must be done. I have known a pathetic
+passage, quoted timely and with a happy emphasis from a popular novel--say,
+"Alice, or the Mysteries"--I have known it, I say, do more execution upon
+the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the evening.
+(There is one passage in that "thrilling" performance, where Alice,
+overjoyed that her lover is restored to her, is represented as frisking
+about him like a dog around his long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I
+have taken it in hand, has been rewarded with the most vociferous and
+gleesome laughter.)
+
+And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I know not
+whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man, however stentorian his
+lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a view to engage him as a
+cachinnatory machine. A confederate may become a traitor--a rival he is
+pretty certain of becoming. Besides, strive as you may, you can never
+secure an altogether unexceptionable individual--one who will "go the whole
+hyaena," and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he once start "lion"
+on his own account, furnished with your original roar, with which you
+yourself have supplied him, good-bye to your supremacy. "Farewell, my
+trim-built wherry"--he is in the same boat only to capsise you.
+
+  "And the first lion thinks the last a bore,"
+
+and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work out your own
+ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and is likely to be
+formidable.
+
+I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future time. My space
+at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as yet entered upon the
+subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAM(B)ENTATIONS.
+
+  Ye banks and braes o' Buckingham,
+  How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair,
+  When I am on my latest legs,
+  And may not bask amang ye mair!
+  And you, sweet maids of honour,--come,
+  Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn,
+  For your old flame must now depart,
+  Depart, oh! never to return!
+
+  Oft have I roam'd o'er Buckingham,
+  From room to room, from height to height;
+  It was such pleasant exercise,
+  And gave me _such_ an appetite!
+  Yes! when the _dinner-hour_ arrived,
+  For me they never had to wait,
+  I was the first to take my chair,
+  And spread my ample napkin straight.
+
+  And if they did not quickly come,
+  After the dinner-bell had knoll'd,
+  I just ran up my _private stairs_,
+  To say the things were getting cold!
+  But now, farewell, ye pantry steams,
+  (The sweets of premiership to me),
+  Ye gravies, relishes, and creams,
+  Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy!
+
+  Full well I mind the days gone by,--
+  'Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine;
+  Then _John_ and _Pal_ sang o' _their_ luck,
+  And fondly sae sang I o' mine!
+  But now, how sad the scene, and changed!
+  _Johnny_ and _Pal_ are glad nae mair!
+  Oh! banks and braes o' Buckingham!
+  How _can_ you bloom sae fresh and fair!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHELSEA.
+
+(From our own Correspondent.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The steam-boats bring
+down hundreds every day, and in the evening take them all back again. Mr.
+Jones has engaged a lodging for the week, and other families are spoken of.
+A ball is also talked about; but it is not yet settled who is to give it,
+nor where it is to be given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very
+general at the leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number
+of persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged for the
+season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more than one
+musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the talented artist who
+plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with his elbow, the triangle with
+his shoulder, the bells with this head, and the Pan's pipes with his
+mouth--thus uniting the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of
+an individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have been
+imported within the last few days, and there is every probability of this
+pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable rival to the old-established
+watering-places.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+FOREIGN AFFAIRS,
+
+OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE.
+
+
+Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young gentlemen
+who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given in marriage. At
+all events, some conjecture of the sort is necessary to make the plot of
+the piece we are noticing somewhat probable--that being the precise
+circumstance upon which it hinges. The _Count St. Louis_, a youthful
+_attache_ of the French embassy, becomes attached, by a marriage contract,
+to _Lady Bell_, a maid of honour to Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of
+a wife quite nineteen, would, according to the natural course of things, be
+very considerably hen-pecked; and _St. Louis_, foreseeing this, determines
+to begin. Well, he insists upon having "article five" of the marriage
+contract cancelled; for, by this stipulation, he is to be separated from
+his wife, on the evening of the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five
+years. He storms, swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding
+present of sugar-plums--everybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his
+expense--the wife treats him with contempt, and plays the scornful. The
+hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation, determines to prove himself
+a man.
+
+At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy matter. _St.
+Louis_ writes love-letters to several maids of honour and to a citizen's
+wife, finishing the first act by invading the private apartments of the
+maiden ladies belonging to the court of the chaste Queen Anne.
+
+The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order of the
+Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by the love-letters
+are hatching, by running into debt, and being surrounded by duns. The
+intrigues are not long in coming to a head, for two ladies visit him
+separately in secret, and allow themselves to be hid in those never-failing
+adjuncts to a piece of dramatic intrigue--a couple of closets, which are
+used exactly in the same manner in "Foreign Affairs," as in all the farces
+within the memory of man--_ex. gr._:--The hero is alone; one lady enters
+cautiously. A tender interchange of sentiment ensues--a noise is heard, and
+the lady screams. "Ah! that closet!" Into which exit lady. Then enter lady
+No. 2. A second interchange of tender things--another noise behind. "No
+escape?" "None! and yet, happy thought, that closet." Exit lady No. 2, into
+closet No. 2.
+
+This is exactly as it happens in "Foreign Affairs." The second noise is
+made by the husband of one of the concealed ladies, and the lover of the
+other. Here, out of the old "closet" materials, the dramatist has worked up
+one of the best situations--to use an actor's word--we ever remember to
+have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is really worth all the
+money to go and see it. Let our readers do so. The "Affairs" end by the boy
+fighting a couple of duels with the injured men; and thus, crowning the
+proof of his manhood, gets his wife to tolerate--to love him.
+
+The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was admirably
+acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured lovers--Mr. Strickland and Mrs.
+Stirling, as a vulgar citizen and citizeness--by Miss P. Horton as _Lady
+Bell_--and even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small part--that of a
+barber--with great skill. Lastly, Madlle. Celeste, as the hero, acquitted
+herself to admiration. We suppose the farce is called "Foreign Affairs" out
+of compliment to this lady, who is the only "Foreign Affair" we could
+discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated from the
+French, which is, strictly, an affair of the author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MARY CLIFFORD.
+
+If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and delicate
+sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for scenery painted on
+the spot, but like nothing in nature except canvas and colour--go to the
+Victoria and see "Mary Clifford." It may, perhaps, startle you to learn
+that the incidents are faithfully copied from the "Newgate Calendar," and
+that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of apprentice-killing notoriety; but
+be not alarmed, there is nothing horrible or revolting in the drama--it is
+merely laughable.
+
+"Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl," is very appropriately
+introduced to the auditor, first outside the gates of that "noble
+charity-school," taking leave of some of her accidental companions. Here
+sympathy is first awakened. Mary is just going out to "place," and instead
+of saying "good bye," which we have been led to believe is the usual form
+of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song with such heart-rending
+expression, that everybody cries except the musicians and the audience. To
+assist in this lachrymose operation, the girls on the stage are supplied
+with clean white aprons--time out mind a charity-girl's
+pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and Mrs.
+Brownrigg's domestic arrangements, and are made acquainted with their
+private characters--a fine stroke of policy on the part of the author; for
+one naturally pities a poor girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the
+corners of so many white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one
+sees into whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family
+are people of taste--peculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs. B. has a
+taste for starving apprentices--her son, Mr. Jolin B., for seducing
+them--and Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life, a pot of porter, and a pipe.
+Into the bosom of this amiable family Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble
+for her virtue and her meals! not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow
+in commencing his gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary,
+seeing that she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one
+William Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker.
+During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her "heart's master," the
+journeyman baker. But there is another and more terrible invocation. In
+classic plays they invoke "the gods"--in Catholic I ones, "the saints"--the
+stage Arab appeals to "Allah"--the light comedian swears "by the lord
+Harry"--but _Mary Clifford_ adds a new and impressive invocative to the
+list. When young Brownrigg attempts to kiss, or his mother to flog her, she
+casts her eyes upward, kneels, and placing her hands together in an
+attitude of prayer, solemnly calls upon--"the governors of the Foundling
+Hospital!!" Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems to produce
+upon her persecutors! They release her instantly--they slink back abashed
+and trembling--they hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a
+clear stage for a soliloquy or a song.
+
+We really _must_ stop here, to point out to dramatic authors the importance
+of this novel form of conjuration. When the history of Fauntleroy comes to
+be dramatised, the lover will, of course, be a banker's clerk: in the
+depths of distress and despair into which he will have to be plunged, a
+prayer-like appeal to "the Governor and Company of the Bank of England,"
+will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience. The old
+exclamations of "Gracious powers!"--"Great heavens!"--"By heaven, I swear!"
+&c. &c., may now be abandoned; and, after "Mary Clifford," Bob Acres'
+tasteful system of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the
+tragic drama, but considerably augmented.
+
+But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really "go and tell" the
+illustrious governors, she is kept a close prisoner, and finishes the first
+act by a conspiracy with a fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape.
+
+Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12, Fetter-lane,
+in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing, glazing, and pepper-line;
+and, in the next act, a correct view is exhibited of the exterior of his
+shop, painted, we are told, from the most indisputable authorities of the
+time. Here, in Fetter, lane, the romance of the tale begins:--A lady
+enters, who, being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked,
+unquestioned, to tell the audience a story--how that she married in early
+life--that her husband was pressed to sea a day or two after the
+wedding--that she in due time became a mother, and (affectionate creature!)
+left the dear little pledge at the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was
+sixteen years ago. Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby
+back again; but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that
+her daughter has been just "put apprentice" in the very house before which
+she tells the story--part of it as great a fib as ever was told; for
+children once inside the walls of that "noble charity," never know who left
+them there; and any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is
+punished with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the
+awful "governors." This lady, who bears all the romance of the piece upon
+her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost husband at the Ship, in
+Wapping, and instead of seeking her daughter, repairs thither, having done
+all the author required, by emptying her budget of fibs.
+
+The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe it as _Mrs.
+Brownrigg's_ "wash-house, kitchen, and skylight"--the sky-light forming a
+most impressive object. Poor _Mary Clifford_ is chained to the floor, her
+face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry. Here the
+heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and stentorian
+eloquence, but is interrupted by _Mr. Clipson_, whose face appears framed
+and glazed in the broken sky-light. A pathetic dialogue ensues, and the
+lover swears he will rescue his mistress, or "perish in the attempt,"
+"calling upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer," to make known her sufferings.
+The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and _Toby Bensling_, alias _Richard
+Clifford_, enters to inform his hearers that he is the missing father of
+the injured foundling, and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short
+voyage, lasting sixteen years! He is on his way to the "Admiralty," to
+receive some pay--the more particularly, we imagine, as they always pay
+sailors at Somerset House--and _then_ to look after his wife. But she saves
+him the trouble by entering with _Mr. William Clipson_. The usual "Whom do
+I see?"--"Can it be?"--"After so long an absence!" &c. &c., having been
+duly uttered and begged to, they all go to see after _Mary_, find her in a
+cupboard in Mrs. B.'s back-parlour, and--the act-drop falls.
+
+We must confess we approach a description of the third act with diffidence.
+Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more sombre sound--ink of a
+darker hue, than we can command. The third scene is, in particular, too
+extravagantly touching for ordinary nerves to witness. _Mary Clifford_ is
+in bed--French bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because such things
+were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg) stands exactly in the
+middle of the stage--a chest of drawers is placed behind, and a table on
+each side, to balance the picture. The lover leans over the head, the
+mother sits at the foot, the father stands at the side: _Mary Clifford_ is
+insane, with lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is,
+she has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse concerning
+the great "governors," her cruel mistress, and her naughty young master,
+interlarded with insane ejaculations, always considered stage property,
+such as, "Ah, she comes!" "Nay, strike me not--I am guiltless!" Again,
+"Villain! what do you take me for?--unhand me!" and all that. Then the
+dying part comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that
+she is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the
+gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm fall
+upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody says that
+she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to be changed.
+
+In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. _Mrs. Brownrigg_,
+having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in the condemned cell; her
+son by her side, and the fatal cart in the back-ground. Having been brought
+up genteelly, she declines the mode of conveyance provided for her journey
+to Tyburn with the utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does
+not seem to affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful "drag" she is
+doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and the curtain
+falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of an innocent audience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 21, 1841, by Various
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 04:45:39 -0700
committer	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 04:45:39 -0700
commit	ff5761415269bbf6464cc61bed4cfa5b86868abc (patch)
tree	91f5367105ab26ed2f015631a14cc550fde91f2a