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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+March 19, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+March 19, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?"
+
+_MERCHANT OF VENICE._
+
+    ["The entire stock of _Hansard's Parliamentary Debates_ ...
+    was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000
+    volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."--_Daily
+    Paper_.]
+
+  The Auctioneer exclaimed,--"These Vols.
+    Have neither fault nor blot.
+  I think that I, without demur,
+    May call them quite 'a lot.'
+
+  "Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT,
+    Good for the heart and head.
+  Take them as spoken; if you like,
+    Pray take them, too, as read."
+
+  But when the Auction did begin,
+    Bidders, alack! were lacking;
+  Back numbers hove in sight in shoals,
+    Yet seemed to have no backing.
+
+  "Then this," quoth he, "appears to be
+    The dismal situation;
+  Though from these speeches statesmen quote,
+    For them there's no quotation.
+
+  "The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,'
+    Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry;
+  But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain,
+    Itself is all my eye.
+
+  "A penny! Really such a bid
+    I can't allow to pass;
+  A man who'd offer coppers here
+    Must be composed of brass.
+
+  "'Progress' I cannot well 'report,'
+    Unless this lot is bought in;
+  The only progress seems to be,
+    When there'll be no reportin'.
+
+  "Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!"
+    The hammer-man did shout;
+  "If you desire, I knock them down--
+    You first must knock _me_ out!
+
+  "No higher offer? Then I'm forced,
+    Pray pardon the suggestion--
+  To take a hint from Parliament,
+    And 'move the Previous Question.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE!
+
+[Illustration: Mysterious!]
+
+The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been translated
+into English. It is called _The Blackbeetle_, and is a purely domestic
+drama. The following Scene from the last Act will give some idea of
+the exquisite simplicity and pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER
+BOSCH's admirers freely assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything
+like this. It will be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M.
+MAETERLINCK, does not always name his characters, but only mentions
+their relation to each other.
+
+    SCENE XXV.--_The Great Grandmother, the Mother-in-law,
+    the Female First Cousin one remove, and the
+    Brother-in-law's Aunt are discovered standing on the table,
+    and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage on a chair._
+
+_The Mother-in-law_. Eh? eh? eh?
+
+_The Female First Cousin one remove_ (_pointing to Half-sister's
+Nephew by marriage_). He! he! he!
+
+_The Great Grandmother_. Ay! ay! ay!
+
+_The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage_ (_shuddering_). Oh! oh! oh!
+
+_The Brother-in-law's Aunt_ (_to him_). You! you! you! [_The
+Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon
+the Blackbeetle. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENTETEMENT BRITANNIQUE.
+
+RONDEAU.
+
+  _Mal a la tete_, _ennui_, _migraine_,
+  We risk in trying to explain
+    Why, though the Income-tax is high,
+    This country never can supply
+  Such galleries as line the Seine.
+
+  Yet gifts are treated with disdain,
+  Which gives the would-be donors pain,--
+    We've now a name to call _that_ by,
+      "_Mal a la_ TATE."
+
+  Next time an offer's made in vain
+  MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain,
+    Or ask, at least, the reason why,
+    And even dumber folks will cry,
+  "By Jove! they've made a mull again,
+     MULL _a la_ TATE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: Brer Rabbit.]
+
+Everybody who took delight in our old friend _Uncle Remus_ will
+thoroughly enjoy _A Plantation Printer_, by JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The
+Baron doesn't recommend it to be taken at one sitting, the dialect
+being rather difficult, but a chapter at a time will be found
+refreshing. The like advice may be acted upon by anyone who has
+invested in the latest volume of the Library of Wit and Humour,
+entitled _Faces and Places_. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented
+by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of these
+entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which ought to have
+been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially interesting; and the
+only disappointing thing in the book is the omission of "An Evening
+with Witches," as a companion picture to "A Night at Watts's."
+
+By the way, in my copy of _A Plantation Printer_, the English printer
+has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss CARTER,
+a charming young lady, is watching a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees
+"a group of shadows, with musical voices, sweep across the Bermuda
+fields."
+
+"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her little hands,"
+and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her excitement. "I can
+put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates
+would I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter," says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER.
+
+  At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,--
+    The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin.'"
+  I tipped him as thy welcome form
+    He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
+
+  Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
+    Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
+  Thy tepid glow is at an end,
+    And I am nowhere near my station!
+
+  I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
+    It is a legal form of slaughter,
+  They don't warm(!) trains in other lands
+    With half a pint of tepid water.
+
+  I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
+    And pile on rugs as my protectors.
+  I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick,
+    Thy parsimonious Directors!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICH V. POOR.
+
+(_A NOTE KINDLY CONTRIBUTED BY OUR OWN GRAPHIC REPORTER._)
+
+Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing scene of
+a trial that was one of the features of the present Sessions. The
+Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of hiding his emotion, and
+freely used his pocket-handkerchief. Many ladies who had until now
+been occupied in using opera-glasses, at this point relinquished
+those assistants to the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative
+properties of bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship
+on the Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's
+dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge glanced
+for a moment at the number of titled and other highly respectable
+witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the accused. Then he
+addressed the Prisoner:--
+
+"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you with
+having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a fortune of
+L28,000 to L7,000. This means a wretched pittance to beneficiaries
+who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent income. I am
+aware that you are a distinguished Magistrate,--that you have belonged
+to many Clubs,--that there is not a slur upon the cooking that used to
+distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of the sentence I
+am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would permit me to give you
+a lighter punishment. But I cannot."
+
+The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal servitude.
+
+A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for stealing
+twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to ten
+years' penal servitude, and seven years' police supervision. The case
+was of no public interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODESTY OF GENIUS.
+
+  When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew,
+  SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's left out you!"
+
+  To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know it;
+  And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.--"The Police patrolled
+the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, ACCOMPANIED BY
+DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS CYMBALS.--"_Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!--Mrs. R. cannot understand our aristocracy
+being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. _She_ wouldn't be a
+Chairwoman for anything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.--"_Haunt 'un_ Street, W." It's an
+artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? Possibly.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE MEN.--"The
+Lushais."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DIVIDED DUTY."
+
+_Right Hon. the Minister for War_. "SURELY, MY LORD CHANCELLOR, YOU
+CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE 'REGULARS'--"
+
+_Lord Chancellor_. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK NOT." (_Aside._)
+"WE _MUST_ MAKE _SOME_ USE OF HIM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIVING AND LEARNING.
+
+MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an advertisement
+headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" she exclaimed, "I
+never knew till now that Salmon was a flying fish!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of an article
+in the _D.T._ last Friday, and it turned out to be all about the
+Richie and the Poorie.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.--Some delay at present, but immediately
+after signing we shall commence "sealing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
+
+(_A STORY OF ADVENTURE NOT IN THE LEAST LIKELY TO BE TRUE._)
+
+"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the Secretary of State
+for War of one of his colleagues.
+
+"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a meeting
+in the East End of London, I do," replied the Home-Secretary. "An
+excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that old story of the Amateur
+Casual, which appeared some twenty or thirty years ago in the columns
+of an evening paper."
+
+"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" suggested the
+First Lord of the Admiralty.
+
+"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. "After all,
+there is nothing like personal experience."
+
+And then all three were silent, lost in profound consideration.
+Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, declaring that they
+had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet Council.
+
+It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform of the
+Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and requested that he
+might be permitted to undertake a spell of "sentry go." He was not
+known by the Non-commissioned Officer on duty, but as his papers
+appeared to be correct, permission was given him to act as substitute
+for Private SMITH, who was next on the roster.
+
+And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made
+his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview
+with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to
+the precincts of the gaol.
+
+"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before
+him; "what do you want?"
+
+"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I
+shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so
+at oakum-picking."
+
+"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such luxuries
+are only allowed to individuals who have been properly introduced to
+us by a Judge and Jury."
+
+"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that an order
+from the Home-Secretary would smooth all difficulties."
+
+"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are only
+supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners of extreme
+distinction."
+
+"I have the requisite document," replied the curiously-garbed
+stranger, and he was bowed into a well-appointed cell, and furnished
+with the tangled rope for which he had petitioned.
+
+And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated on one of
+Her Majesty's Ships of War.
+
+"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who was rather
+short-tempered.
+
+"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the sea-faring man;
+"and, if you will glance at this paper, you will see that I have
+special permission from Whitehall to be mast-headed, or to undertake
+some other naval manoeuvre of a more modern date."
+
+Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, the
+Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes later the
+sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), the quivering
+rungs of a rope-ladder.
+
+A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary soldier,
+a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with bruises, met by
+chance in the common room of a tavern. For some minutes they were
+too exhausted to speak. At length, the convict declared that the
+organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons was simply perfect.
+
+"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist with
+truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable condition of the
+Queen's Barracks."
+
+"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring man; "but I
+am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the Admiralty could not
+possibly be better."
+
+"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could not be
+worse!"
+
+Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of the merits
+of the institutions they had recently visited.
+
+"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had some
+legal training, and it seems to me that you are both gentlemen of
+great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine that your education is
+greatly in excess of that possessed by men of the same standing in the
+professions you appear to have adopted."
+
+"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his disguise;
+"because I happen to be the Secretary of State for War."
+
+"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from his
+sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an official
+uniform--"And I am the First Lord of the Admiralty."
+
+Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, the wearer
+of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a part of his
+costume, and the whole of his "make-up."
+
+"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he observed, with a
+smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary."
+
+Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them insisted that
+his particular branch of the Government Service was better than the
+branches of his colleagues.
+
+"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and try for
+ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and
+subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend
+of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord
+and the Secretary of State raised objections.
+
+"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you would find
+much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, and a plank-bed
+and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each great claim to points
+of similarity."
+
+"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the War
+Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary."
+
+"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval matters; "and
+thus I think we can conveniently leave further personal investigation
+to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and his Private Secretary." And
+so, perfectly satisfied with the result of their peregrinations,
+the Ministers again bade one another adieu, and, this time, finally
+separated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE.
+
+_Friendly and Sympathetic Footman_. "WELL, THEY TELL ME, SIR, AS
+MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE
+PERFESSION,--IN FACT, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL '_PRINCIPLY FORCEPS_,' SIR!"
+
+[_No doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but he
+didn't._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.--It is a great source of disappointment to
+_Mr. Punch_ that GRANDOLPH should have declined to be an Alderman.
+It may be a question as to whether he would have enlarged the sphere
+of his influence, but, by accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically
+certain that within six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his
+weight and increased his circumference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING."
+
+(_A SKETCH IN A HAIR-DRESSER'S SALOON._)
+
+    SCENE--_A small but well-appointed Saloon, with the usual
+    fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a
+    Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than
+    ordinarily sympathetic manner._
+
+[Illustration: "You _'ave_ been losin' your 'air!"]
+
+_The Loquacious Assistant_. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the
+clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of _that_ sort to do,
+not bein' required to pufform any duties of a _menial_ nature, Sir.
+'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the
+river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any
+fishin', to mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway
+Comp'ny takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir,
+don't stay 'ere _all_ day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me out
+to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant change, Sir?
+Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as lives in Prague
+Villas, Sir. I've been to do _her_ 'air many a time. (_He sighs
+sentimentally._) I _did_ like waitin' on _'er_, Sir. Sech a beautiful
+woman she is, too,--with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is,
+and her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but she
+give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work 'ard all her
+life to support her Ma, and she _did_ think after she was married she
+was goin' to enjoy herself--but she _'adn't_! Ah, she _was_ a nice
+lady, Sir; she'd got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks
+to get it right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air,
+and she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very words,
+Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Yes, she was
+a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the room with 'er, swearin'
+orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, Sir. Ain't been for ever sech
+a while now, Sir. I _did_ think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd
+forgot a comb, Sir, but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't
+do twice, _would_ it, Sir? Sixteen her number is--a sweet number,
+Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er maid and her
+man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! (_Observing that the_
+Sympathetic Customer _is gradually growing red in the face and getting
+hysterical._) Towel too tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir.
+(_Here two fresh_ Customers _enter._) Ready for you in one moment,
+Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, but he'll
+be up directly
+
+    [_The two fresh Customers watch one another suspiciously,
+    after the manner of Britons. The first, who is elderly,
+    removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled
+    hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second,
+    a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely
+    obliged to do so._
+
+_The Grizzled Customer_ (_to the_ Other Customer, _as his natural
+self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve_). 'Shtonishing how fast one's
+hair does grow. It's not three weeks since I had a close crop. Great
+nuisance, eh?
+
+_The Other Customer_ (_with evident embarrassment_). Er--eh,
+yes--quite so, I--I daresay.
+
+    [_He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the
+    advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the Loquacious
+    Assistant has bowed out the Sympathetic Customer, and
+    touched a bell. A Saturnine Assistant appears, still
+    masticating bread-and-butter. The Second Customer removes
+    his hat, revealing a denuded crown, and thereby causing
+    surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the
+    Grizzled Gentleman, who submits himself to the Loquacious
+    Assistant. The Bald Customer sinks resignedly into
+    the chair indicated by the Saturnine Operator, feeling
+    apologetic and conscious that he is not affording a fair scope
+    for that gentleman's professional talent. The other Assistant
+    appears to take a reflected pride in his subject._
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ (_to the Grizzled Customer_). Remarkable how some
+parties _do_ keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours--(_with a disparaging
+glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror_)--yours grows
+quite remarkable strong. Do you _use_ anythink for it now?
+
+_The Gr. C._ Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected!
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our
+Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next
+door to here--a chemist, he is--and if you'll believe me, he was
+gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when
+his 'ed come out all over brustles!
+
+_The Gr. C._ Brussels, what? _Sprouts_, eh?
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a brush. But you
+can afford to 'ave _your_ laugh, Sir!
+
+_The Sat. Ass._ (_to the Bald Customer, with withering deference_).
+Much off, Sir?
+
+_The B.C._ (_weakly thinking to propitiate by making light of his
+infirmity_). Well, there isn't much _on_, is there?
+
+_The S.A._ (_taking a mean advantage_). Well, Sir, it wouldn't be
+a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on _your_ 'ed, cert'nly!
+(_Severely, as one reproaching him for carelessness_.) You _'ave_ been
+losin' your 'air! Puts me in mind of what the poet says in _'Amlet_.
+"Oh, what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse _me_, Sir!
+
+_The B.C._ (_with a sensitive squirm_). Oh, don't apologise--I'm
+_used_ to it, you know!
+
+_The S.A._ Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to the shorn lamb
+so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. But what _you_ ought
+to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em so as you couldn't tell it from
+natural 'air nowadays!
+
+    [_The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious
+    adornment._
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ (_to his subject_). Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the
+Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is
+'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo
+wash on his 'ed.
+
+_The Gr. C._ Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any good?
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ (_demurely_). That I can't tell you, Sir; but it 'as a
+very agreeable perfume.
+
+_The S.A._ I think I've taken off about as much as you can _spare_,
+Sir!
+
+_The Gr. C._ (_with a note of triumph_). Look here, you know, there's
+a lot more to come off here--won't be missed, eh?
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed--of _'air_, I
+mean, of course!
+
+_The S.A._ If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir.
+
+_The B.C._ (_dejectedly_). Why, think it's any use?
+
+_The S.A._ No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a
+_'orse's_ legs. [_The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this
+argument._
+
+_The Gr. C._ No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for _me_, mind!
+
+    [_They are shampooed simultaneously._
+
+_The B.C._ (_piteously, from his basin_). Th--that's c-cold enough,
+thanks!
+
+_The Gr. C._ (_aggressively from his_). Here, colder than _that_--as
+cold as you can make it--_I_ don't care!
+
+_The B.C._ (_drying his face meekly on a towel_). A--a _hand_-brush,
+please, _not_ the machine!
+
+_The S.A._ No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all the 'air _off_
+your 'ed, Sir!
+
+_The Gr. C._ Machinery for me--and your hardest brush, do you hear?
+
+  _The Loq. Ass._  { _(together, to_    {Shall I put anything on
+  _The S.A._       {_their respective_  {    your 'ed, Sir?
+                   {  _patients_.)      {Like anything on your
+                                        {     'air, Sir?
+
+_The S.A._ Well, you may as well keep what little you _'ave_ got, Sir.
+Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer
+in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny
+sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny
+one, Sir? (_The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline,
+at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him_.) No, Sir? Much
+obliged, Sir. Let me see--(_with a touch of sarcasm_)--you part your
+'air a one side, I _think_, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir.
+Pay at the counter, _if_ you please. Shop--there!
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to
+look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir.
+
+    [_The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and
+    instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a
+    defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The
+    Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows.
+    The two Assistants are left alone._
+
+_The Loq. Ass._ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I
+tumbled to him?
+
+_The S.A._ (_with superiority_). I _heard_ you, o' course, but, as
+I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it _delicate_ enough! When
+you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much
+of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is
+to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard _me_ stoop to flattery nor yet
+over-familiarity--and yet you can see for yourself I manage without
+'urting nobody's feelings--however bald! That's _tact_, that is!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter;
+  Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maiter_
+  _D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater,"
+  As Britons, sure, may.
+
+  As for _decor_, let the linen be stainless--
+  Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless.
+  _Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less
+  Oft from a _gourmet_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History
+of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I
+particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all
+about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't want it known that there's
+anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr.
+ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub
+Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE.
+
+    SCENE--_Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him
+    enter Mr. JOHN BULL._
+
+_Mr. Punch_. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you?
+
+_Mr. Bull_. I want to know your opinion, _Mr. Punch_ on the report of
+Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting?
+
+_Mr. P._ Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two--one by
+the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary
+of State for War.
+
+_Mr. B._ Can't they be lumped together, _Mr. Punch_?
+
+_Mr. P._ Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither
+satisfactory, although they contradict one another.
+
+_Mr. B._ So I think, _Mr. Punch_. What is to be done?
+
+_Mr. P._ I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary
+question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL?
+
+_Mr. B._ Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection.
+If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it
+myself.
+
+_Mr. P._ Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run.
+
+_Mr. B._ To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about
+the details of security from fire.
+
+_Mr. P._ Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army?
+
+_Mr. B._ But I do, and a precious round sum too!
+
+_Mr. P._ However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any
+and everything can be bought by money.
+
+_Mr. B._ Pardon me, _Mr. Punch_, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can
+get soldiers at half the price that--
+
+_Mr. P._ (_interrupting_). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as
+dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners
+look after the fire themselves--they become soldiers, instead of
+securing substitutes.
+
+_Mr. B._ What do you mean?
+
+_Mr. P._ That you must either pay the market price, or go in for
+conscription. Your money--or your life!
+
+_Mr. B._ Well, I really think I must consider it--I do, indeed!
+
+_Mr. P._ And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if you do not
+believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a second reading.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon Mr. JOHN BULL giving the document
+    reconsideration._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
+
+_To our M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in
+the House._ (_Day before the Meeting of Parliament_.)
+
+"_WELL_, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS _YOU_ UP TO TOWN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOGIE MAN.
+
+(NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.)
+
+_Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce_:--
+
+  Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones!
+    Hushed is our civic glee.
+  The Voters, they have played the fool
+    About the L.C.C.
+  Oh, Turtle, dear--at table--
+    Oh, Griffin, spick and span,
+  I hear the Civic Fathers say
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  Oh, hush! hush! hush!
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+  _What_ hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT
+    Is made an Alderman?
+  Oh, whist! whist! whist!
+    He'll catch ye if he can!
+  Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops,
+    From this new Bogie Man!
+
+  When we sit down to dinner,
+    My giant chum and I,
+  O'er calipash and calipee
+    We're both inclined to cry.
+  For if Progressist fingers
+    Once dip into our pan,
+  Aloud, but vainly, we may cry,
+     Whist! whist! the Bogie Man!
+
+  _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush!
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+  Then hide your heads, my darlings;
+    He'll catch ye if he can.
+  Then whist! whist! whist!
+    This new Progressive plan
+  Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops
+    Slaves to this Bogie Man!
+
+  In vain the _Times_ might thunder,
+    In vain the _Standard_ squall,
+  To frighten little Moderates;
+    They paid no heed at all
+  When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing,
+    Away the Voters ran
+  And voted straight, with hearts elate,
+    For yonder Bogie Man!
+
+  _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush!
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+  He'll collar all our civic perks,
+    'Tis his "Progressive" plan.
+  Oh, whist! whist! whist!
+    He'll catch ye if he can.
+  Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops,
+    From yonder Bogie Man!
+
+  Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock
+    To think of your sad fate,
+  If you _should_ lose your Guildhall rock,
+    And _we_ be doomed by fate.
+  For BURNS our pride would humble,
+    No "giants" in his plan!
+  Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat,
+    Beware, yon Bogie Man!
+
+  _Chorus_.--Oh, whist! whist! whist!
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+  GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog.
+    Are no parts of _his_ plan.
+  Oh, hush! hush! hush!
+    He'll catch ye if he can!
+  Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops,
+    _He_'ll give--yon Bogey Man!
+
+  Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor,
+    And LUBBOCK seemed to cool,
+  MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON
+    May proudly play the fool.
+  London's delivered to be ruled
+    On the "Progressive" plan,
+  And "BEN" can bear the honoured name--
+    Ye gods!--of ALDERMAN!!!
+
+  _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush!
+    Here comes the Bogie Man!
+  Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide!
+    You're under his black ban.
+  Oh, whist! whist! whist!
+    "We'll save ye, _if we can_,
+  My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops,
+    From yon bad Bogie Man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO QUEEN COAL.
+
+(_BY HER FOND BUT POOR LOVER._)
+
+  "If thou art not dear to _me_,
+  What care I how dear you be!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUTTER AND BOSH.
+
+    ["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to
+    buy it under that name, but insist on its being called
+    'Butter.'"--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+  Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste
+  On men who consciously deceive their taste;
+  Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen,
+  And call that Butter which is Margarine.
+  "Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter,
+  "Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter.
+  Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye.
+  _Decipiatur qui vult decipi_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BOGIE MAN.
+
+  "HUSH! HUSH! HUSH!
+  HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN!
+
+  "THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY DARLINGS;
+  HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!"
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME."
+
+    [To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats stationed
+    in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and Atherfield,
+    respectively, _Mr. Punch_ has had pleasure and pride in
+    presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture and Poem
+    entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which appeared in
+    his issue of February 13. The names of the coxswains and crews
+    of these three boats, the _Worcester Cadet_, the _William
+    Slaney Lewis_, and the _Catherine Swift_, are inscribed
+    thereon (as they should be in the memories of all true
+    Britons), as follows:--Of the _Worcester Cadet_, JAMES COTTON
+    (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT SALTER,
+    WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, GEORGE NEW,
+    GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, EDGAR WHITE,
+    WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK.
+
+    Of the _William Slaney Lewis_, JOHN HAYTER (Coxswain), BEN
+    JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. JACOBS, J. COOKE,
+    G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J.
+    HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and
+    W. HOOKEY.
+
+    Of the _Catherine Swift_, WILLIAM COTTON (Coxswain), DAVID
+    COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, THOMAS COTTON, FRANK
+    COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER
+    WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. WHILLIER.
+
+    These names thus receive--as they deserve--honourable record
+    "For distinguished bravery and gallant conduct whilst on duty
+    on the occasion of the wreck of the s.s. _Eider_, January 31,
+    1892."]
+
+  On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it bears
+  Many entries less worthy of record than theirs,
+  The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go down,
+  With applause from their Sovereign to swell their renown,
+  To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too,
+  They should sound on those ears; for, run over each crew
+  And you'll find that those names have a true homely smack
+  Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is Jack,
+  There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, CHARLIE, FRANK;
+  Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in rank
+  They go down to their work, ringing right cheery hail
+  Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make _them_ pale,
+  Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, cousins, and sons,
+  For see how the "family name" through them runs
+  Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch!
+  Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need not flinch.
+  Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after all,
+  As NAPOLEON or CAESAR; and when the Great Call
+  Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain "BILL,"
+  Whose business was rather to save than to kill,
+  May step before mad ALEXANDER.
+                                 Well, brothers,
+  (You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and others,
+  Whose names he need hardly string into his rhymes,)
+  _Punch_ hopes you may look on this Record sometimes
+  With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well knows,
+  Will not--"butter your parsnips"--(to put sense in prose):
+  But you have his hearty good will, and you know it,--
+  Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it!
+  And when or wherever _another_ should come,
+  Be sure your friend _Punch_ won't be careless or dumb!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST.
+
+(_CONTINUED._)
+
+I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my partners
+don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing short of an
+absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, could tempt me
+to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I am subjected. Your
+thoroughgoing Whist-player as such--admirable in private life as I
+personally know him to be--the moment he begins the daily business
+of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another
+time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe; now
+and here nothing seems to interest him but his own immediate welfare,
+which he pursues with concentrated energy and earnestness. I verily
+believe that if, at one of two adjoining tables, the chandelier fell
+on the players' heads to their exceeding detriment, the occupants
+of the other table would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their
+rubber for one moment. _Fiant chartae ruat coelum_--let the cards be
+made whatever chandeliers fall.
+
+[Illustration: "When I come to think the matter over in cold blood."]
+
+The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired
+Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread.
+He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good
+as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to
+personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me;
+and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such
+case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four
+times in succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of
+sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they
+contain plenty of good cards--can manage to scrape along in a way I
+think fairly satisfactory even--to him, though he never encourages
+me by saying so. But an awful thing happened the other night. I had
+played one rubber with him and won it, though it was only a rubber
+of two instead of a bumper, as it would have been if I had played
+properly--for being in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a
+trump, but it subsequently turned out that _the adversaries had called
+for them_. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely those
+of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by a ten and a
+two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous results.
+
+However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity,
+merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only
+time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." I
+smiled inanely--what else could I do? for I was dimly conscious that
+the stricture might have justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but
+worse remains behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner
+had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he
+extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us,
+mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time
+I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump
+was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him
+a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would
+have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the
+adversaries had entire control. So this gentleman got in and made
+about six tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore
+made with his spades all--indeed, I rather think more tricks than
+the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, now
+losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing anger and
+turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime was borne in upon
+him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; the adversaries' score had
+stood at one, while we were at two, and besides, we had had two by
+honours; as they made four by cards, they went out--and so did I--not
+without an _obbligato_ accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered
+whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, of all
+the born fools!" and similar objurgations.
+
+When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could see
+that my proper course would have been to lead the losing card before
+drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake (a fatal one I
+grant) in the order of playing them. That was all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American leads," "the
+fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a knave; lead him at
+once, _I_ think, on _Dogberry's_ principle: and "thank heaven you are
+rid of a knave."
+
+The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my
+Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up
+a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other
+people if I did play much. Half-crown points, a partner who knows how
+to score (those counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little
+bone grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable
+conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make the
+kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common Room in the
+happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never quite understood.
+The rigour of the game is the ruin of Whist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS.
+
+There has not been time yet to arrange the Figures.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+    "_Sich a Nice Man Too!_" is one of the latest, and greatest,
+    successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER,
+    who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves that he, the Muse
+    of the Market Cart, and Bard of the Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the
+    Old Kent Road,"--and elsewhere--with well-deserved success.
+    As is ever the case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal
+    applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of
+    which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his
+    chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where
+    they sing--and shout--the following might be rendered with
+    relish:--
+
+NO. VII.--SICH A SMART MAN TOO!
+
+(_COSTER-JIM ON CORKUS-JOE._)
+
+  There's party-men yer meets about
+    What wins yer 'eart instanter;
+  Of _their_ success there's ne'er a doubt,
+    They romps in in a canter.
+  There's one as means to lick the lot,
+    Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger.
+  For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot;
+    Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Chorus._
+
+  Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man!
+  No Tory pride, no toffish affectation!
+    Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel
+    That in 'im yer 'ave to deal
+  With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation!
+
+  'E made 'is pile in a snide way,--
+    "Down on ther nail," 'is motter--
+  Went to the front, and came to _stay_;
+    Whigs might pertest and potter.
+  'Is game wos doin' the poor good,
+    And doin' of it 'andsome.
+  JACK CADE they called 'im,--which wos rude--
+    'Acos 'e talked o' ransom!
+
+_Chorus._
+
+  Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man!
+  No "Lily" pride, no blue--blood affectation!
+    Yet he somehow made yer feel
+    That in 'im yer 'ad to deal
+  With a gent by nature _and_ by edgercation!
+
+  You ought to seen 'im on the stump,
+    Smart frock and stiff shirt collar;
+  Got up regardless, clean-cut chump,
+    Orchid for button-'oler!
+  'E cocked a snook at pride o' race.
+    We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY!
+  Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place;
+    Then won't old WEG look rummy?"
+
+_Chorus._
+
+  Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man!
+  No _Rip wan Winkle_ HARTY affectation!
+    Yet 'e somehow made yer feel
+    That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal
+  With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation.
+
+  Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile,
+    Like sunshine in November.
+  Sez 'e, "_I_'m for the Sons o' Tile!"
+    O yus, don't we remember!
+  We fancied JOE wos one of hus,
+    A cove we might ha' trusted.
+  Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss
+    At the Brum bubble--busted!
+
+_Chorus._
+
+  Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man!
+  No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation!
+    One as somehow made yer feel
+    'E alone knowed 'ow to deal
+  With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation!
+
+  'E chose to play at hodd man hout;
+    'E ain't the fust by many
+  Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout
+    With a two-'eaded penny.
+  It's broke our trust; _'e_ can go 'ome
+    With Toffdom for next neighbour.
+  _'E_ won't cut Capital's cockscomb
+    In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour!
+
+_Chorus._
+
+  Sich a snide man too! Sich a _very_ snide man!
+  And now,--but that's 'is hartful affectation!
+    'E would like to make hus feel
+    As he only "plays genteel,"
+  To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 7._--JOKIM in a bad way to-night.
+People are wanting to know how it has come about that TATE's offer of
+L80,000 for Picture Gallery, with L80,000 worth of pictures thrown
+in to start it, has, after long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF
+EXCHEQUER, been withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain.
+
+"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in confidence,
+"is to give him one for his _tete_, as we say in cribbage. But
+suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best in that direction though
+undercurrent of observation in lengthy paper he read decidedly set
+in direction of making TATE out as a cantankerous wrong-headed person
+who, proposing to bestow some L160,000 in way of free gift, expected
+to have his wishes consulted in such matter of detail as selection of
+site for Gallery.
+
+"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the door is not
+finally closed on the establishment of a gallery for British Art."
+
+[Illustration: Young Father Dillwyn.]
+
+"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear,
+listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other
+eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain
+of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been
+opened."
+
+"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying
+anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a
+sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his arm was tattooed
+the legend, '_Pas de chance_.' He told long story of honest endeavour,
+combined with strict honesty and tireless industry, ever frustrated by
+malign accident. In short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was
+sent back upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in
+enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the legend
+on his forearm. _Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance._ Ever since I
+joined this Government things have gone wrong with me, whether in
+Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of the House, with L1
+notes, and now in this affair, where I run my head against TATE (sort
+of _tete-a-tete_), and, though I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will
+have it that I've muddled things and lost the nation a munificent
+gift. _Pas de chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!_"
+
+[Illustration: Craig (not Ailsa).]
+
+HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it is very
+bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no better than they
+were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs more, and could do less
+than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely
+made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the
+SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which,
+on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in
+the main, care so little that they busy themselves writing letters,
+chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably
+succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in
+solemn voice, utters his lamentation.
+
+"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall figure below
+Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust LOCHIEL, and told him
+his prospects in the next war were at least doubtful,--
+
+  'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day
+  When the Lowlands shall meet thee in battle-array.'"
+
+LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; makes
+speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but interested
+Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great Britain an Army
+so large or so fully equipped. When midnight struck, the few Members
+present shook themselves, yawned, and went home. _Business done._--In
+Committee on Army Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke.]
+
+_Tuesday._--Never saw in the flesh procession of Russian Convicts
+starting on their journey to Siberia. Have read about it, though; have
+even seen pictures thereof. The most saddening and soul-depressing
+of these came back to mind just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and
+BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly filed forth at command of Chairman of
+Committees, amid cheers of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been
+a little more ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been
+connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. Members on
+Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring forth, could not
+have resisted natural impulse to feel in their waistcoat pocket for a
+kopec or two to bestow upon the unfortunates.
+
+It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of the blow,
+that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these three Members had
+supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. in matter of preliminary
+expenses of railway through their territory. Someone had discovered
+they were pecuniarily interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT
+MACNEILL raised the question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved
+Resolution that vote of three Members be disallowed.
+
+Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. Rather in
+sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, as all Irish
+Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice and sanctity of
+constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in BURDETT-COUTTS's
+waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in comprehensive smile of
+amity.
+
+Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, almost
+jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not have done it if
+he'd thought anyone would have made a row about it--"as the little
+boy said when he was being spanked for putting his fingers in the
+jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, _sotto voce_. BURDETT-COUTTS almost
+haughty in his defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN
+SWIFT, Dean of St. Patrick's.
+
+PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it
+particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were an
+Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only last
+Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under discussion,
+he had delivered an Address which disclosed intimate acquaintance with
+topographical bearings of rarely trodden wilds in Central Africa.
+Had shown how an Agent of East Africa Company, setting forth from
+So-and-so, had, after perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night
+of broken rest, his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine
+lions, he had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered
+for hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless
+plains of Etcetera.
+
+House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from So-on to
+So-forth.
+
+"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not unfamiliar
+with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little monotonously
+named."
+
+"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I can't
+pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them So-on."
+
+House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself at one
+bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only last Friday;
+to-day called upon to defend himself from charge of breaking written
+law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to come. When PELLY's pensive
+voice died away, COURTNEY rose from Chair and sternly said, "In
+accordance with practice of the House, the three Hon. Members will
+now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON
+first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering
+what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing
+up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of
+jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth.
+_Business done._--None.
+
+[Illustration: The Salvationist Solicitor-General.]
+
+_Thursday._--"The Leadership isn't all beer and skittles, is it?"
+I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to put the best face on a
+melancholy business.
+
+"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at all."
+
+Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call "the general
+idea" of the Sitting to-night, was--questions beginning at half-past
+three; over probably at four; House in Committee; take up Army
+Estimates; peg away at them till midnight; then "Who goes home?"
+Time-table of what actually took place slightly, but firmly different.
+House met at three; prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY
+FOWLER's motion to permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet
+Sabbaths at Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six,
+the SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then questions,
+seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of public interest, the
+rest of character that might be raised on dull days in Vestry-hall.
+
+At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think
+they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which,"
+as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to
+move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and
+shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support
+application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with
+hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject
+reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to
+their feet. Twice the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given,
+and SWIFT MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing
+happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing
+for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so near
+dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so they bundle
+forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they had secured his
+opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they didn't want to hear about
+the sufferings of their fellow-creatures."
+
+At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, with
+intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of Supply
+after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to twelve. Business
+reached at last, but since Debate closes at midnight, no time to do
+anything. Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin
+chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation
+that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted
+suggestion of objectors to scheme.
+
+_Business done._--None.
+
+_Friday_.--MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion
+about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner,
+supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS
+on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other
+side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the
+Exiles; JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House,
+Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he announced
+the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it was an
+earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered by second
+defeat of Government in the week. _Business done._--Looks as if the
+Government's was--very nearly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
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+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 19, 1892, by Various
+
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