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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:18 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:18 -0700 |
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diff --git a/old/14365-8.txt b/old/14365-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e86cd36 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14365-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1777 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, +March 19, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +March 19, 1892. + + + + +"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?" + +_MERCHANT OF VENICE._ + + ["The entire stock of _Hansard's Parliamentary Debates_ ... + was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000 + volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The Auctioneer exclaimed,--"These Vols. + Have neither fault nor blot. + I think that I, without demur, + May call them quite 'a lot.' + + "Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT, + Good for the heart and head. + Take them as spoken; if you like, + Pray take them, too, as read." + + But when the Auction did begin, + Bidders, alack! were lacking; + Back numbers hove in sight in shoals, + Yet seemed to have no backing. + + "Then this," quoth he, "appears to be + The dismal situation; + Though from these speeches statesmen quote, + For them there's no quotation. + + "The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,' + Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry; + But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain, + Itself is all my eye. + + "A penny! Really such a bid + I can't allow to pass; + A man who'd offer coppers here + Must be composed of brass. + + "'Progress' I cannot well 'report,' + Unless this lot is bought in; + The only progress seems to be, + When there'll be no reportin'. + + "Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!" + The hammer-man did shout; + "If you desire, I knock them down-- + You first must knock _me_ out! + + "No higher offer? Then I'm forced, + Pray pardon the suggestion-- + To take a hint from Parliament, + And 'move the Previous Question.'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE! + +[Illustration: Mysterious!] + +The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been translated +into English. It is called _The Blackbeetle_, and is a purely domestic +drama. The following Scene from the last Act will give some idea of +the exquisite simplicity and pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER +BOSCH's admirers freely assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything +like this. It will be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M. +MAETERLINCK, does not always name his characters, but only mentions +their relation to each other. + + SCENE XXV.--_The Great Grandmother, the Mother-in-law, + the Female First Cousin one remove, and the + Brother-in-law's Aunt are discovered standing on the table, + and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage on a chair._ + +_The Mother-in-law_. Eh? eh? eh? + +_The Female First Cousin one remove_ (_pointing to Half-sister's +Nephew by marriage_). He! he! he! + +_The Great Grandmother_. Ay! ay! ay! + +_The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage_ (_shuddering_). Oh! oh! oh! + +_The Brother-in-law's Aunt_ (_to him_). You! you! you! [_The +Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon +the Blackbeetle. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ENTÊTEMENT BRITANNIQUE. + +RONDEAU. + + _Mal à la tête_, _ennui_, _migraine_, + We risk in trying to explain + Why, though the Income-tax is high, + This country never can supply + Such galleries as line the Seine. + + Yet gifts are treated with disdain, + Which gives the would-be donors pain,-- + We've now a name to call _that_ by, + "_Mal à la_ TATE." + + Next time an offer's made in vain + MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain, + Or ask, at least, the reason why, + And even dumber folks will cry, + "By Jove! they've made a mull again, + MULL _à la_ TATE!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Brer Rabbit.] + +Everybody who took delight in our old friend _Uncle Remus_ will +thoroughly enjoy _A Plantation Printer_, by JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The +Baron doesn't recommend it to be taken at one sitting, the dialect +being rather difficult, but a chapter at a time will be found +refreshing. The like advice may be acted upon by anyone who has +invested in the latest volume of the Library of Wit and Humour, +entitled _Faces and Places_. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented +by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of these +entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which ought to have +been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially interesting; and the +only disappointing thing in the book is the omission of "An Evening +with Witches," as a companion picture to "A Night at Watts's." + +By the way, in my copy of _A Plantation Printer_, the English printer +has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss CARTER, +a charming young lady, is watching a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees +"a group of shadows, with musical voices, sweep across the Bermuda +fields." + +"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her little hands," +and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her excitement. "I can +put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates +would I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER. + + At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- + The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin.'" + I tipped him as thy welcome form + He carried, with a grateful smile, in. + + Alas! thou art a faithless friend, + Thy warmth was but dissimulation; + Thy tepid glow is at an end, + And I am nowhere near my station! + + I shiver, cold in feet and hands, + It is a legal form of slaughter, + They don't warm(!) trains in other lands + With half a pint of tepid water. + + I spurn thy coldness with a kick, + And pile on rugs as my protectors. + I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, + Thy parsimonious Directors! + + * * * * * + +RICH V. POOR. + +(_A NOTE KINDLY CONTRIBUTED BY OUR OWN GRAPHIC REPORTER._) + +Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing scene of +a trial that was one of the features of the present Sessions. The +Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of hiding his emotion, and +freely used his pocket-handkerchief. Many ladies who had until now +been occupied in using opera-glasses, at this point relinquished +those assistants to the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative +properties of bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship +on the Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's +dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge glanced +for a moment at the number of titled and other highly respectable +witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the accused. Then he +addressed the Prisoner:-- + +"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you with +having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a fortune of +£28,000 to £7,000. This means a wretched pittance to beneficiaries +who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent income. I am +aware that you are a distinguished Magistrate,--that you have belonged +to many Clubs,--that there is not a slur upon the cooking that used to +distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of the sentence I +am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would permit me to give you +a lighter punishment. But I cannot." + +The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal servitude. + +A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for stealing +twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to ten +years' penal servitude, and seven years' police supervision. The case +was of no public interest. + + * * * * * + +THE MODESTY OF GENIUS. + + When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew, + SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's left out you!" + + To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know it; + And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.--"The Police patrolled +the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance." + + * * * * * + +NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, ACCOMPANIED BY +DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS CYMBALS.--"_Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray_!" + + * * * * * + +DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!--Mrs. R. cannot understand our aristocracy +being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. _She_ wouldn't be a +Chairwoman for anything. + + * * * * * + +WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.--"_Haunt 'un_ Street, W." It's an +artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? Possibly.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE MEN.--"The +Lushais." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVIDED DUTY." + +_Right Hon. the Minister for War_. "SURELY, MY LORD CHANCELLOR, YOU +CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE 'REGULARS'--" + +_Lord Chancellor_. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK NOT." (_Aside._) +"WE _MUST_ MAKE _SOME_ USE OF HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +LIVING AND LEARNING. + +MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an advertisement +headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" she exclaimed, "I +never knew till now that Salmon was a flying fish!" + + * * * * * + +"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of an article +in the _D.T._ last Friday, and it turned out to be all about the +Richie and the Poorie. + + * * * * * + +THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.--Some delay at present, but immediately +after signing we shall commence "sealing." + + * * * * * + +THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. + +(_A STORY OF ADVENTURE NOT IN THE LEAST LIKELY TO BE TRUE._) + +"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the Secretary of State +for War of one of his colleagues. + +"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a meeting +in the East End of London, I do," replied the Home-Secretary. "An +excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that old story of the Amateur +Casual, which appeared some twenty or thirty years ago in the columns +of an evening paper." + +"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" suggested the +First Lord of the Admiralty. + +"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. "After all, +there is nothing like personal experience." + +And then all three were silent, lost in profound consideration. +Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, declaring that they +had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet Council. + +It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform of the +Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and requested that he +might be permitted to undertake a spell of "sentry go." He was not +known by the Non-commissioned Officer on duty, but as his papers +appeared to be correct, permission was given him to act as substitute +for Private SMITH, who was next on the roster. + +And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made +his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview +with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to +the precincts of the gaol. + +"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before +him; "what do you want?" + +"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I +shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so +at oakum-picking." + +"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such luxuries +are only allowed to individuals who have been properly introduced to +us by a Judge and Jury." + +"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that an order +from the Home-Secretary would smooth all difficulties." + +"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are only +supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners of extreme +distinction." + +"I have the requisite document," replied the curiously-garbed +stranger, and he was bowed into a well-appointed cell, and furnished +with the tangled rope for which he had petitioned. + +And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated on one of +Her Majesty's Ships of War. + +"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who was rather +short-tempered. + +"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the sea-faring man; +"and, if you will glance at this paper, you will see that I have +special permission from Whitehall to be mast-headed, or to undertake +some other naval manoeuvre of a more modern date." + +Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, the +Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes later the +sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), the quivering +rungs of a rope-ladder. + +A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary soldier, +a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with bruises, met by +chance in the common room of a tavern. For some minutes they were +too exhausted to speak. At length, the convict declared that the +organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons was simply perfect. + +"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist with +truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable condition of the +Queen's Barracks." + +"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring man; "but I +am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the Admiralty could not +possibly be better." + +"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could not be +worse!" + +Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of the merits +of the institutions they had recently visited. + +"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had some +legal training, and it seems to me that you are both gentlemen of +great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine that your education is +greatly in excess of that possessed by men of the same standing in the +professions you appear to have adopted." + +"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his disguise; +"because I happen to be the Secretary of State for War." + +"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from his +sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an official +uniform--"And I am the First Lord of the Admiralty." + +Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, the wearer +of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a part of his +costume, and the whole of his "make-up." + +"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he observed, with a +smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary." + +Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them insisted that +his particular branch of the Government Service was better than the +branches of his colleagues. + +"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and try for +ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and +subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend +of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord +and the Secretary of State raised objections. + +"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you would find +much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, and a plank-bed +and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each great claim to points +of similarity." + +"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the War +Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary." + +"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval matters; "and +thus I think we can conveniently leave further personal investigation +to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and his Private Secretary." And +so, perfectly satisfied with the result of their peregrinations, +the Ministers again bade one another adieu, and, this time, finally +separated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE. + +_Friendly and Sympathetic Footman_. "WELL, THEY TELL ME, SIR, AS +MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE +PERFESSION,--IN FACT, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL '_PRINCIPLY FORCEPS_,' SIR!" + +[_No doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but he +didn't._]] + + * * * * * + +A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.--It is a great source of disappointment to +_Mr. Punch_ that GRANDOLPH should have declined to be an Alderman. +It may be a question as to whether he would have enlarged the sphere +of his influence, but, by accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically +certain that within six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his +weight and increased his circumference. + + * * * * * + +"HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING." + +(_A SKETCH IN A HAIR-DRESSER'S SALOON._) + + SCENE--_A small but well-appointed Saloon, with the usual + fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a + Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than + ordinarily sympathetic manner._ + +[Illustration: "You _'ave_ been losin' your 'air!"] + +_The Loquacious Assistant_. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the +clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of _that_ sort to do, +not bein' required to pufform any duties of a _menial_ nature, Sir. +'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the +river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any +fishin', to mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway +Comp'ny takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir, +don't stay 'ere _all_ day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me out +to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant change, Sir? +Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as lives in Prague +Villas, Sir. I've been to do _her_ 'air many a time. (_He sighs +sentimentally._) I _did_ like waitin' on _'er_, Sir. Sech a beautiful +woman she is, too,--with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is, +and her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but she +give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work 'ard all her +life to support her Ma, and she _did_ think after she was married she +was goin' to enjoy herself--but she _'adn't_! Ah, she _was_ a nice +lady, Sir; she'd got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks +to get it right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air, +and she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very words, +Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Yes, she was +a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the room with 'er, swearin' +orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, Sir. Ain't been for ever sech +a while now, Sir. I _did_ think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd +forgot a comb, Sir, but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't +do twice, _would_ it, Sir? Sixteen her number is--a sweet number, +Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er maid and her +man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! (_Observing that the_ +Sympathetic Customer _is gradually growing red in the face and getting +hysterical._) Towel too tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir. +(_Here two fresh_ Customers _enter._) Ready for you in one moment, +Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, but he'll +be up directly + + [_The two fresh Customers watch one another suspiciously, + after the manner of Britons. The first, who is elderly, + removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled + hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second, + a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely + obliged to do so._ + +_The Grizzled Customer_ (_to the_ Other Customer, _as his natural +self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve_). 'Shtonishing how fast one's +hair does grow. It's not three weeks since I had a close crop. Great +nuisance, eh? + +_The Other Customer_ (_with evident embarrassment_). Er--eh, +yes--quite so, I--I daresay. + + [_He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the + advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the Loquacious + Assistant has bowed out the Sympathetic Customer, and + touched a bell. A Saturnine Assistant appears, still + masticating bread-and-butter. The Second Customer removes + his hat, revealing a denuded crown, and thereby causing + surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the + Grizzled Gentleman, who submits himself to the Loquacious + Assistant. The Bald Customer sinks resignedly into + the chair indicated by the Saturnine Operator, feeling + apologetic and conscious that he is not affording a fair scope + for that gentleman's professional talent. The other Assistant + appears to take a reflected pride in his subject._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to the Grizzled Customer_). Remarkable how some +parties _do_ keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours--(_with a disparaging +glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror_)--yours grows +quite remarkable strong. Do you _use_ anythink for it now? + +_The Gr. C._ Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected! + +_The Loq. Ass._ I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our +Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next +door to here--a chemist, he is--and if you'll believe me, he was +gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when +his 'ed come out all over brustles! + +_The Gr. C._ Brussels, what? _Sprouts_, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a brush. But you +can afford to 'ave _your_ laugh, Sir! + +_The Sat. Ass._ (_to the Bald Customer, with withering deference_). +Much off, Sir? + +_The B.C._ (_weakly thinking to propitiate by making light of his +infirmity_). Well, there isn't much _on_, is there? + +_The S.A._ (_taking a mean advantage_). Well, Sir, it wouldn't be +a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on _your_ 'ed, cert'nly! +(_Severely, as one reproaching him for carelessness_.) You _'ave_ been +losin' your 'air! Puts me in mind of what the poet says in _'Amlet_. +"Oh, what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse _me_, Sir! + +_The B.C._ (_with a sensitive squirm_). Oh, don't apologise--I'm +_used_ to it, you know! + +_The S.A._ Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to the shorn lamb +so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. But what _you_ ought +to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em so as you couldn't tell it from +natural 'air nowadays! + + [_The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious + adornment._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to his subject_). Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the +Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is +'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo +wash on his 'ed. + +_The Gr. C._ Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any good? + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_demurely_). That I can't tell you, Sir; but it 'as a +very agreeable perfùme. + +_The S.A._ I think I've taken off about as much as you can _spare_, +Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ (_with a note of triumph_). Look here, you know, there's +a lot more to come off here--won't be missed, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed--of _'air_, I +mean, of course! + +_The S.A._ If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir. + +_The B.C._ (_dejectedly_). Why, think it's any use? + +_The S.A._ No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a +_'orse's_ legs. [_The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this +argument._ + +_The Gr. C._ No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for _me_, mind! + + [_They are shampooed simultaneously._ + +_The B.C._ (_piteously, from his basin_). Th--that's c-cold enough, +thanks! + +_The Gr. C._ (_aggressively from his_). Here, colder than _that_--as +cold as you can make it--_I_ don't care! + +_The B.C._ (_drying his face meekly on a towel_). A--a _hand_-brush, +please, _not_ the machine! + +_The S.A._ No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all the 'air _off_ +your 'ed, Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ Machinery for me--and your hardest brush, do you hear? + + _The Loq. Ass._ { _(together, to_ {Shall I put anything on + _The S.A._ {_their respective_ { your 'ed, Sir? + { _patients_.) {Like anything on your + { 'air, Sir? + +_The S.A._ Well, you may as well keep what little you _'ave_ got, Sir. +Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer +in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny +sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny +one, Sir? (_The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline, +at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him_.) No, Sir? Much +obliged, Sir. Let me see--(_with a touch of sarcasm_)--you part your +'air a one side, I _think_, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir. +Pay at the counter, _if_ you please. Shop--there! + +_The Loq. Ass._ Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to +look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir. + + [_The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and + instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a + defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The + Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows. + The two Assistants are left alone._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I +tumbled to him? + +_The S.A._ (_with superiority_). I _heard_ you, o' course, but, as +I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it _delicate_ enough! When +you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much +of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is +to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard _me_ stoop to flattery nor yet +over-familiarity--and yet you can see for yourself I manage without +'urting nobody's feelings--however bald! That's _tact_, that is! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._) + +[Illustration] + + None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter; + Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maîter_ + _D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater," + As Britons, sure, may. + + As for _décor_, let the linen be stainless-- + Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless. + _Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less + Oft from a _gourmet_. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History +of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I +particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all +about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists." + + * * * * * + +SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't want it known that there's +anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. +ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub +Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him + enter Mr. JOHN BULL._ + +_Mr. Punch_. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you? + +_Mr. Bull_. I want to know your opinion, _Mr. Punch_ on the report of +Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting? + +_Mr. P._ Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two--one by +the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary +of State for War. + +_Mr. B._ Can't they be lumped together, _Mr. Punch_? + +_Mr. P._ Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither +satisfactory, although they contradict one another. + +_Mr. B._ So I think, _Mr. Punch_. What is to be done? + +_Mr. P._ I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary +question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL? + +_Mr. B._ Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection. +If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it +myself. + +_Mr. P._ Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run. + +_Mr. B._ To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about +the details of security from fire. + +_Mr. P._ Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army? + +_Mr. B._ But I do, and a precious round sum too! + +_Mr. P._ However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any +and everything can be bought by money. + +_Mr. B._ Pardon me, _Mr. Punch_, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can +get soldiers at half the price that-- + +_Mr. P._ (_interrupting_). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as +dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners +look after the fire themselves--they become soldiers, instead of +securing substitutes. + +_Mr. B._ What do you mean? + +_Mr. P._ That you must either pay the market price, or go in for +conscription. Your money--or your life! + +_Mr. B._ Well, I really think I must consider it--I do, indeed! + +_Mr. P._ And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if you do not +believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a second reading. + + [_Scene closes in upon Mr. JOHN BULL giving the document + reconsideration._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_To our M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in +the House._ (_Day before the Meeting of Parliament_.) + +"_WELL_, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS _YOU_ UP TO TOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOGIE MAN. + +(NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.) + +_Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce_:-- + + Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones! + Hushed is our civic glee. + The Voters, they have played the fool + About the L.C.C. + Oh, Turtle, dear--at table-- + Oh, Griffin, spick and span, + I hear the Civic Fathers say + Here comes the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus._ + + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + _What_ hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT + Is made an Alderman? + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops, + From this new Bogie Man! + + When we sit down to dinner, + My giant chum and I, + O'er calipash and calipee + We're both inclined to cry. + For if Progressist fingers + Once dip into our pan, + Aloud, but vainly, we may cry, + Whist! whist! the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Then hide your heads, my darlings; + He'll catch ye if he can. + Then whist! whist! whist! + This new Progressive plan + Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops + Slaves to this Bogie Man! + + In vain the _Times_ might thunder, + In vain the _Standard_ squall, + To frighten little Moderates; + They paid no heed at all + When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing, + Away the Voters ran + And voted straight, with hearts elate, + For yonder Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + He'll collar all our civic perks, + 'Tis his "Progressive" plan. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can. + Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops, + From yonder Bogie Man! + + Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock + To think of your sad fate, + If you _should_ lose your Guildhall rock, + And _we_ be doomed by fate. + For BURNS our pride would humble, + No "giants" in his plan! + Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat, + Beware, yon Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, whist! whist! whist! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog. + Are no parts of _his_ plan. + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops, + _He_'ll give--yon Bogey Man! + + Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor, + And LUBBOCK seemed to cool, + MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON + May proudly play the fool. + London's delivered to be ruled + On the "Progressive" plan, + And "BEN" can bear the honoured name-- + Ye gods!--of ALDERMAN!!! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide! + You're under his black ban. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + "We'll save ye, _if we can_, + My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops, + From yon bad Bogie Man! + + * * * * * + +TO QUEEN COAL. + +(_BY HER FOND BUT POOR LOVER._) + + "If thou art not dear to _me_, + What care I how dear you be!" + + * * * * * + +BUTTER AND BOSH. + + ["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to + buy it under that name, but insist on its being called + 'Butter.'"--_Daily Paper_.] + + Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste + On men who consciously deceive their taste; + Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen, + And call that Butter which is Margarine. + "Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter, + "Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter. + Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye. + _Decipiatur qui vult decipi_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BOGIE MAN. + + "HUSH! HUSH! HUSH! + HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN! + + "THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY DARLINGS; + HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!" +] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME." + + [To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats stationed + in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and Atherfield, + respectively, _Mr. Punch_ has had pleasure and pride in + presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture and Poem + entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which appeared in + his issue of February 13. The names of the coxswains and crews + of these three boats, the _Worcester Cadet_, the _William + Slaney Lewis_, and the _Catherine Swift_, are inscribed + thereon (as they should be in the memories of all true + Britons), as follows:--Of the _Worcester Cadet_, JAMES COTTON + (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT SALTER, + WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, GEORGE NEW, + GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, EDGAR WHITE, + WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK. + + Of the _William Slaney Lewis_, JOHN HAYTER (Coxswain), BEN + JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. JACOBS, J. COOKE, + G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J. + HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and + W. HOOKEY. + + Of the _Catherine Swift_, WILLIAM COTTON (Coxswain), DAVID + COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, THOMAS COTTON, FRANK + COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER + WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. WHILLIER. + + These names thus receive--as they deserve--honourable record + "For distinguished bravery and gallant conduct whilst on duty + on the occasion of the wreck of the s.s. _Eider_, January 31, + 1892."] + + On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it bears + Many entries less worthy of record than theirs, + The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go down, + With applause from their Sovereign to swell their renown, + To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too, + They should sound on those ears; for, run over each crew + And you'll find that those names have a true homely smack + Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is Jack, + There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, CHARLIE, FRANK; + Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in rank + They go down to their work, ringing right cheery hail + Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make _them_ pale, + Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, cousins, and sons, + For see how the "family name" through them runs + Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch! + Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need not flinch. + Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after all, + As NAPOLEON or CÆSAR; and when the Great Call + Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain "BILL," + Whose business was rather to save than to kill, + May step before mad ALEXANDER. + Well, brothers, + (You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and others, + Whose names he need hardly string into his rhymes,) + _Punch_ hopes you may look on this Record sometimes + With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well knows, + Will not--"butter your parsnips"--(to put sense in prose): + But you have his hearty good will, and you know it,-- + Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it! + And when or wherever _another_ should come, + Be sure your friend _Punch_ won't be careless or dumb! + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST. + +(_CONTINUED._) + +I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my partners +don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing short of an +absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, could tempt me +to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I am subjected. Your +thoroughgoing Whist-player as such--admirable in private life as I +personally know him to be--the moment he begins the daily business +of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another +time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe; now +and here nothing seems to interest him but his own immediate welfare, +which he pursues with concentrated energy and earnestness. I verily +believe that if, at one of two adjoining tables, the chandelier fell +on the players' heads to their exceeding detriment, the occupants +of the other table would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their +rubber for one moment. _Fiant chartæ ruat coelum_--let the cards be +made whatever chandeliers fall. + +[Illustration: "When I come to think the matter over in cold blood."] + +The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired +Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread. +He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good +as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to +personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me; +and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such +case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four +times in succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of +sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they +contain plenty of good cards--can manage to scrape along in a way I +think fairly satisfactory even--to him, though he never encourages +me by saying so. But an awful thing happened the other night. I had +played one rubber with him and won it, though it was only a rubber +of two instead of a bumper, as it would have been if I had played +properly--for being in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a +trump, but it subsequently turned out that _the adversaries had called +for them_. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely those +of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by a ten and a +two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous results. + +However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity, +merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only +time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." I +smiled inanely--what else could I do? for I was dimly conscious that +the stricture might have justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but +worse remains behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner +had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he +extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us, +mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time +I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump +was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him +a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would +have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the +adversaries had entire control. So this gentleman got in and made +about six tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore +made with his spades all--indeed, I rather think more tricks than +the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, now +losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing anger and +turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime was borne in upon +him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; the adversaries' score had +stood at one, while we were at two, and besides, we had had two by +honours; as they made four by cards, they went out--and so did I--not +without an _obbligato_ accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered +whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, of all +the born fools!" and similar objurgations. + +When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could see +that my proper course would have been to lead the losing card before +drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake (a fatal one I +grant) in the order of playing them. That was all. + + * * * * * + +My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American leads," "the +fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a knave; lead him at +once, _I_ think, on _Dogberry's_ principle: and "thank heaven you are +rid of a knave." + +The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my +Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up +a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other +people if I did play much. Half-crown points, a partner who knows how +to score (those counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little +bone grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable +conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make the +kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common Room in the +happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never quite understood. +The rigour of the game is the ruin of Whist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS. + +There has not been time yet to arrange the Figures.] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + + "_Sich a Nice Man Too!_" is one of the latest, and greatest, + successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, + who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves that he, the Muse + of the Market Cart, and Bard of the Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the + Old Kent Road,"--and elsewhere--with well-deserved success. + As is ever the case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal + applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of + which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his + chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where + they sing--and shout--the following might be rendered with + relish:-- + +NO. VII.--SICH A SMART MAN TOO! + +(_COSTER-JIM ON CORKUS-JOE._) + + There's party-men yer meets about + What wins yer 'eart instanter; + Of _their_ success there's ne'er a doubt, + They romps in in a canter. + There's one as means to lick the lot, + Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger. + For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot; + Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!" + +[Illustration] + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No Tory pride, no toffish affectation! + Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ave to deal + With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation! + + 'E made 'is pile in a snide way,-- + "Down on ther nail," 'is motter-- + Went to the front, and came to _stay_; + Whigs might pertest and potter. + 'Is game wos doin' the poor good, + And doin' of it 'andsome. + JACK CADE they called 'im,--which wos rude-- + 'Acos 'e talked o' ransom! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No "Lily" pride, no blue--blood affectation! + Yet he somehow made yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ad to deal + With a gent by nature _and_ by edgercation! + + You ought to seen 'im on the stump, + Smart frock and stiff shirt collar; + Got up regardless, clean-cut chump, + Orchid for button-'oler! + 'E cocked a snook at pride o' race. + We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY! + Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place; + Then won't old WEG look rummy?" + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No _Rip wan Winkle_ HARTY affectation! + Yet 'e somehow made yer feel + That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal + With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation. + + Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile, + Like sunshine in November. + Sez 'e, "_I_'m for the Sons o' Tile!" + O yus, don't we remember! + We fancied JOE wos one of hus, + A cove we might ha' trusted. + Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss + At the Brum bubble--busted! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation! + One as somehow made yer feel + 'E alone knowed 'ow to deal + With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation! + + 'E chose to play at hodd man hout; + 'E ain't the fust by many + Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout + With a two-'eaded penny. + It's broke our trust; _'e_ can go 'ome + With Toffdom for next neighbour. + _'E_ won't cut Capital's cockscomb + In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a snide man too! Sich a _very_ snide man! + And now,--but that's 'is hartful affectation! + 'E would like to make hus feel + As he only "plays genteel," + To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 7._--JOKIM in a bad way to-night. +People are wanting to know how it has come about that TATE's offer of +£80,000 for Picture Gallery, with £80,000 worth of pictures thrown +in to start it, has, after long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF +EXCHEQUER, been withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain. + +"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in confidence, +"is to give him one for his _tête_, as we say in cribbage. But +suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best in that direction though +undercurrent of observation in lengthy paper he read decidedly set +in direction of making TATE out as a cantankerous wrong-headed person +who, proposing to bestow some £160,000 in way of free gift, expected +to have his wishes consulted in such matter of detail as selection of +site for Gallery. + +"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the door is not +finally closed on the establishment of a gallery for British Art." + +[Illustration: Young Father Dillwyn.] + +"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear, +listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other +eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain +of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been +opened." + +"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying +anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a +sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his arm was tattooed +the legend, '_Pas de chance_.' He told long story of honest endeavour, +combined with strict honesty and tireless industry, ever frustrated by +malign accident. In short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was +sent back upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in +enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the legend +on his forearm. _Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance._ Ever since I +joined this Government things have gone wrong with me, whether in +Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of the House, with £1 +notes, and now in this affair, where I run my head against TATE (sort +of _tête-à-tête_), and, though I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will +have it that I've muddled things and lost the nation a munificent +gift. _Pas de chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!_" + +[Illustration: Craig (not Ailsa).] + +HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it is very +bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no better than they +were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs more, and could do less +than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely +made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the +SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which, +on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in +the main, care so little that they busy themselves writing letters, +chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably +succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in +solemn voice, utters his lamentation. + +"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall figure below +Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust LOCHIEL, and told him +his prospects in the next war were at least doubtful,-- + + 'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day + When the Lowlands shall meet thee in battle-array.'" + +LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; makes +speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but interested +Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great Britain an Army +so large or so fully equipped. When midnight struck, the few Members +present shook themselves, yawned, and went home. _Business done._--In +Committee on Army Estimates. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke.] + +_Tuesday._--Never saw in the flesh procession of Russian Convicts +starting on their journey to Siberia. Have read about it, though; have +even seen pictures thereof. The most saddening and soul-depressing +of these came back to mind just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and +BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly filed forth at command of Chairman of +Committees, amid cheers of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been +a little more ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been +connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. Members on +Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring forth, could not +have resisted natural impulse to feel in their waistcoat pocket for a +kopec or two to bestow upon the unfortunates. + +It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of the blow, +that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these three Members had +supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. in matter of preliminary +expenses of railway through their territory. Someone had discovered +they were pecuniarily interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT +MACNEILL raised the question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved +Resolution that vote of three Members be disallowed. + +Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. Rather in +sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, as all Irish +Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice and sanctity of +constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in BURDETT-COUTTS's +waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in comprehensive smile of +amity. + +Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, almost +jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not have done it if +he'd thought anyone would have made a row about it--"as the little +boy said when he was being spanked for putting his fingers in the +jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, _sotto voce_. BURDETT-COUTTS almost +haughty in his defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN +SWIFT, Dean of St. Patrick's. + +PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it +particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were an +Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only last +Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under discussion, +he had delivered an Address which disclosed intimate acquaintance with +topographical bearings of rarely trodden wilds in Central Africa. +Had shown how an Agent of East Africa Company, setting forth from +So-and-so, had, after perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night +of broken rest, his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine +lions, he had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered +for hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless +plains of Etcetera. + +House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from So-on to +So-forth. + +"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not unfamiliar +with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little monotonously +named." + +"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I can't +pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them So-on." + +House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself at one +bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only last Friday; +to-day called upon to defend himself from charge of breaking written +law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to come. When PELLY's pensive +voice died away, COURTNEY rose from Chair and sternly said, "In +accordance with practice of the House, the three Hon. Members will +now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON +first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering +what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing +up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of +jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth. +_Business done._--None. + +[Illustration: The Salvationist Solicitor-General.] + +_Thursday._--"The Leadership isn't all beer and skittles, is it?" +I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to put the best face on a +melancholy business. + +"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at all." + +Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call "the general +idea" of the Sitting to-night, was--questions beginning at half-past +three; over probably at four; House in Committee; take up Army +Estimates; peg away at them till midnight; then "Who goes home?" +Time-table of what actually took place slightly, but firmly different. +House met at three; prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY +FOWLER's motion to permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet +Sabbaths at Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six, +the SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then questions, +seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of public interest, the +rest of character that might be raised on dull days in Vestry-hall. + +At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think +they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which," +as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to +move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and +shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support +application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with +hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject +reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to +their feet. Twice the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given, +and SWIFT MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing +happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing +for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so near +dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so they bundle +forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they had secured his +opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they didn't want to hear about +the sufferings of their fellow-creatures." + +At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, with +intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of Supply +after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to twelve. Business +reached at last, but since Debate closes at midnight, no time to do +anything. Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin +chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation +that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted +suggestion of objectors to scheme. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday_.--MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion +about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, +supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS +on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other +side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the +Exiles; JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House, +Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he announced +the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it was an +earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered by second +defeat of Government in the week. _Business done._--Looks as if the +Government's was--very nearly. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 19, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h2>"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?"</h2> + + <h3><i>Merchant of Venice.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The entire stock of <i>Hansard's Parliamentary + Debates</i> ... was offered for sale. The vast collection, + nearly 100,000 volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste + paper."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Auctioneer exclaimed,—"These Vols.</p> + + <p class="i2">Have neither fault nor blot.</p> + + <p>I think that I, without demur,</p> + + <p class="i2">May call them quite 'a lot.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT,</p> + + <p class="i2">Good for the heart and head.</p> + + <p>Take them as spoken; if you like,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray take them, too, as read."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But when the Auction did begin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bidders, alack! were lacking;</p> + + <p>Back numbers hove in sight in shoals,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet seemed to have no backing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then this," quoth he, "appears to be</p> + + <p class="i2">The dismal situation;</p> + + <p>Though from these speeches statesmen quote,</p> + + <p class="i2">For them there's no quotation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,'</p> + + <p class="i2">Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry;</p> + + <p>But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Itself is all my eye.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A penny! Really such a bid</p> + + <p class="i2">I can't allow to pass;</p> + + <p>A man who'd offer coppers here</p> + + <p class="i2">Must be composed of brass.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Progress' I cannot well 'report,'</p> + + <p class="i2">Unless this lot is bought in;</p> + + <p>The only progress seems to be,</p> + + <p class="i2">When there'll be no reportin'.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!"</p> + + <p class="i2">The hammer-man did shout;</p> + + <p>"If you desire, I knock them down—</p> + + <p class="i2">You first must knock <i>me</i> out!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No higher offer? Then I'm forced,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray pardon the suggestion—</p> + + <p>To take a hint from Parliament,</p> + + <p class="i2">And 'move the Previous Question.'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/133-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133-1.png" + alt="Mysterious!" /></a>Mysterious! + </div> + + <p>The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been + translated into English. It is called <i>The Blackbeetle</i>, + and is a purely domestic drama. The following Scene from the + last Act will give some idea of the exquisite simplicity and + pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER BOSCH's admirers freely + assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything like this. It will + be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M. MAETERLINCK, does not + always name his characters, but only mentions their relation to + each other.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE XXV.—<i>The</i> Great Grandmother, + <i>the</i> Mother-in-law, <i>the</i> Female First Cousin + one remove, <i>and the</i> Brother-in-law's Aunt <i>are + discovered standing on the table, and the</i> Half-sister's + Nephew by marriage <i>on a chair</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Mother-in-law</i>. Eh? eh? eh?</p> + + <p><i>The Female First Cousin one remove</i> (<i>pointing + to</i> Half-sister's Nephew by marriage). He! he! he!</p> + + <p><i>The Great Grandmother</i>. Ay! ay! ay!</p> + + <p><i>The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage</i> + (<i>shuddering</i>). Oh! oh! oh!</p> + + <p><i>The Brother-in-law's Aunt</i> (<i>to him</i>). You! you! + you! [<i>The</i> Half-sister's Nephew by marriage <i>descends + and resolutely steps upon the Blackbeetle. Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>ENTÊTEMENT BRITANNIQUE.</h3> + + <h4>RONDEAU.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mal à la tête</i>, <i>ennui</i>, + <i>migraine</i>,</p> + + <p>We risk in trying to explain</p> + + <p class="i2">Why, though the Income-tax is high,</p> + + <p class="i2">This country never can supply</p> + + <p>Such galleries as line the Seine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet gifts are treated with disdain,</p> + + <p>Which gives the would-be donors pain,—</p> + + <p class="i2">We've now a name to call <i>that</i> + by,</p> + + <p class="i4">"<i>Mal à la</i> TATE."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next time an offer's made in vain</p> + + <p>MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or ask, at least, the reason why,</p> + + <p class="i2">And even dumber folks will cry,</p> + + <p>"By Jove! they've made a mull again,</p> + + <p class="i2">MULL <i>à la</i> TATE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:1%;"> + <a href="images/133-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133-2.png" + alt="Brer Rabbit." /></a>Brer Rabbit. + </div> + + <p>Everybody who took delight in our old friend <i>Uncle + Remus</i> will thoroughly enjoy <i>A Plantation Printer</i>, by + JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The Baron doesn't recommend it to be + taken at one sitting, the dialect being rather difficult, but a + chapter at a time will be found refreshing. The like advice may + be acted upon by anyone who has invested in the latest volume + of the Library of Wit and Humour, entitled <i>Faces and + Places</i>. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented by a + portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of + these entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which + ought to have been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially + interesting; and the only disappointing thing in the book is + the omission of "An Evening with Witches," as a companion + picture to "A Night at Watts's."</p> + + <p>By the way, in my copy of <i>A Plantation Printer</i>, the + English printer has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. + 153, where, Miss CARTER, a charming young lady, is watching a + Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees "a group of shadows, with musical + voices, sweep across the Bermuda fields."</p> + + <p>"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her + little hands," and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her + excitement. "I can put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for + a wilderness of aspirates would I have lost this healthy, + cheery chapter," says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At first I loved thee—thou wast + warm,—</p> + + <p class="i2">The porter called thee "'ot," nay, + "bilin.'"</p> + + <p>I tipped him as thy welcome form</p> + + <p class="i2">He carried, with a grateful smile, + in.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alas! thou art a faithless friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy warmth was but dissimulation;</p> + + <p>Thy tepid glow is at an end,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I am nowhere near my station!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shiver, cold in feet and hands,</p> + + <p class="i2">It is a legal form of slaughter,</p> + + <p>They don't warm(!) trains in other lands</p> + + <p class="i2">With half a pint of tepid water.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I spurn thy coldness with a kick,</p> + + <p class="i2">And pile on rugs as my protectors.</p> + + <p>I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy parsimonious Directors!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RICH V. POOR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Note kindly contributed by Our Own Graphic + Reporter.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing + scene of a trial that was one of the features of the present + Sessions. The Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of + hiding his emotion, and freely used his pocket-handkerchief. + Many ladies who had until now been occupied in using + opera-glasses, at this point relinquished those assistants to + the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative properties of + bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship on the + Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's + dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge + glanced for a moment at the number of titled and other highly + respectable witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the + accused. Then he addressed the Prisoner:—</p> + + <p>"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you + with having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a + fortune of £28,000 to £7,000. This means a wretched pittance to + beneficiaries who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly + decent income. I am aware that you are a distinguished + Magistrate,—that you have belonged to many + Clubs,—that there is not a slur upon the cooking that + used to distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of + the sentence I am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would + permit me to give you a lighter punishment. But I cannot."</p> + + <p>The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal + servitude.</p> + + <p>A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for + stealing twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was + sentenced to ten years' penal servitude, and seven years' + police supervision. The case was of no public interest.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Modesty of Genius.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew,</p> + + <p>SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's + left out you!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know + it;</p> + + <p>And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/133-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.—"The + Police patrolled the street all night, but for all that there + was no disturbance."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, + ACCOMPANIED BY DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS + CYMBALS.—"<i>Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray</i>!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!—Mrs. R. cannot understand our + aristocracy being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. + <i>She</i> wouldn't be a Chairwoman for anything.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.—"<i>Haunt 'un</i> + Street, W." It's an artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? + Possibly.—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE + MEN.—"The Lushais."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/134.png" + alt="'DIVIDED DUTY.'" /></a> + + <h3>"DIVIDED DUTY."</h3> + + <p><i>Right Hon. the Minister for War</i>. "SURELY, MY LORD + CHANCELLOR, YOU CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE + 'REGULARS'—"</p> + + <p><i>Lord Chancellor</i>. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK + NOT." (<i>Aside.</i>) "WE <i>MUST</i> MAKE <i>SOME</i> USE + OF HIM!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LIVING AND LEARNING.</h3> + + <p>MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an + advertisement headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" + she exclaimed, "I never knew till now that Salmon was a flying + fish!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of + an article in the <i>D.T.</i> last Friday, and it turned out to + be all about the Richie and the Poorie.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.—Some delay at present, but + immediately after signing we shall commence "sealing."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <h2>THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of Adventure not in the least Likely to be + True.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the + Secretary of State for War of one of his colleagues.</p> + + <p>"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a + meeting in the East End of London, I do," replied the + Home-Secretary. "An excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that + old story of the Amateur Casual, which appeared some twenty or + thirty years ago in the columns of an evening paper."</p> + + <p>"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" + suggested the First Lord of the Admiralty.</p> + + <p>"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. + "After all, there is nothing like personal experience."</p> + + <p>And then all three were silent, lost in profound + consideration. Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, + declaring that they had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet + Council.</p> + + <p>It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform + of the Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and + requested that he might be permitted to undertake a spell of + "sentry go." He was not known by the Non-commissioned Officer + on duty, but as his papers appeared to be correct, permission + was given him to act as substitute for Private SMITH, who was + next on the roster.</p> + + <p>And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a + convict, made his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and + requested an interview with the Governor. His garb obtained for + him immediate admission to the precincts of the gaol.</p> + + <p>"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared + before him; "what do you want?"</p> + + <p>"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a + convict, "I shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to + have an hour or so at oakum-picking."</p> + + <p>"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such + luxuries are only allowed to individuals who have been properly + introduced to us by a Judge and Jury."</p> + + <p>"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that + an order from the Home-Secretary would smooth all + difficulties."</p> + + <p>"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are + only supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners + of extreme distinction."</p> + + <p>"I have the requisite document," replied the + curiously-garbed stranger, and he was bowed into a + well-appointed cell, and furnished with the tangled rope for + which he had petitioned.</p> + + <p>And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated + on one of Her Majesty's Ships of War.</p> + + <p>"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who + was rather short-tempered.</p> + + <p>"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the + sea-faring man; "and, if you will glance at this paper, you + will see that I have special permission from Whitehall to be + mast-headed, or to undertake some other naval manoeuvre of a + more modern date."</p> + + <p>Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, + the Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes + later the sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), + the quivering rungs of a rope-ladder.</p> + + <p>A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary + soldier, a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with + bruises, met by chance in the common room of a tavern. For some + minutes they were too exhausted to speak. At length, the + convict declared that the organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons + was simply perfect.</p> + + <p>"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist + with truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable + condition of the Queen's Barracks."</p> + + <p>"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring + man; "but I am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the + Admiralty could not possibly be better."</p> + + <p>"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could + not be worse!"</p> + + <p>Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of + the merits of the institutions they had recently visited.</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had + some legal training, and it seems to me that you are both + gentlemen of great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine + that your education is greatly in excess of that possessed by + men of the same standing in the professions you appear to have + adopted."</p> + + <p>"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his + disguise; "because I happen to be the Secretary of State for + War."</p> + + <p>"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from + his sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an + official uniform—"And I am the First Lord of the + Admiralty."</p> + + <p>Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, + the wearer of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a + part of his costume, and the whole of his "make-up."</p> + + <p>"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he + observed, with a smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary."</p> + + <p>Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them + insisted that his particular branch of the Government Service + was better than the branches of his colleagues.</p> + + <p>"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and + try for ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a + convict, and subsequently we might make a further alteration, + and allow our friend of the Admiralty to try some + oakum-picking." But both the First Lord and the Secretary of + State raised objections.</p> + + <p>"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you + would find much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, + and a plank-bed and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each + great claim to points of similarity."</p> + + <p>"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the + War Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary."</p> + + <p>"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval + matters; "and thus I think we can conveniently leave further + personal investigation to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and + his Private Secretary." And so, perfectly satisfied with the + result of their peregrinations, the Ministers again bade one + another adieu, and, this time, finally separated.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/135.png" + alt="THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE." /></a> + + <h3>THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE.</h3> + + <p><i>Friendly and Sympathetic Footman</i>. "WELL, THEY + TELL ME, SIR, AS MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, + IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE PERFESSION,—IN FACT, WHAT + YOU MIGHT CALL '<i>PRINCIPLY FORCEPS</i>,' SIR!"</p>[<i>No + doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but + he didn't.</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.—It is a great source of + disappointment to <i>Mr. Punch</i> that GRANDOLPH should have + declined to be an Alderman. It may be a question as to whether + he would have enlarged the sphere of his influence, but, by + accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically certain that within + six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his weight and + increased his circumference.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <h2>"HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Sketch in a Hair-dresser's Saloon.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A small but well-appointed Saloon, with + the usual fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants + are a</i> Loquacious Assistant <i>and a</i> Customer + <i>with a more than ordinarily sympathetic manner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/136.png" + alt="'You <i>'ave</i> been losin' your 'air!'" /> + </a>"You <i>'ave</i> been losin' your 'air!" + </div> + + <p><i>The Loquacious Assistant</i>. No, Sir, we're free to go + the minute the clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink + of <i>that</i> sort to do, not bein' required to pufform any + duties of a <i>menial</i> nature, Sir. 'Ed a little more to the + left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the river. I'm a Member + of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any fishin', to + mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway Comp'ny + takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir, don't + stay 'ere <i>all</i> day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me + out to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant + change, Sir? Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as + lives in Prague Villas, Sir. I've been to do <i>her</i> 'air + many a time. (<i>He sighs sentimentally.</i>) I <i>did</i> like + waitin' on <i>'er</i>, Sir. Sech a beautiful woman she is, + too,—with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is, and + her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but + she give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work + 'ard all her life to support her Ma, and she <i>did</i> think + after she was married she was goin' to enjoy herself—but + she <i>'adn't</i>! Ah, she <i>was</i> a nice lady, Sir; she'd + got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks to get it + right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air, and + she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very + words, Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. + Yes, she was a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the + room with 'er, swearin' orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, + Sir. Ain't been for ever sech a while now, Sir. I <i>did</i> + think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd forgot a comb, Sir, + but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't do twice, + <i>would</i> it, Sir? Sixteen her number is—a sweet + number, Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er + maid and her man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! + (<i>Observing that the</i> Sympathetic Customer <i>is gradually + growing red in the face and getting hysterical.</i>) Towel too + tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir. (<i>Here two + fresh</i> Customers <i>enter.</i>) Ready for you in one moment, + Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, + but he'll be up directly</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The two fresh</i> Customers <i>watch one another + suspiciously, after the manner of Britons. The first, who + is elderly, removes his hat and displays an abundance of + strong grizzled hair, which he surveys complacently in a + mirror. The second, a younger man, seems reluctant to + uncover until absolutely obliged to do so.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Grizzled Customer</i> (<i>to the</i> Other Customer, + <i>as his natural self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve</i>). + 'Shtonishing how fast one's hair does grow. It's not three + weeks since I had a close crop. Great nuisance, eh?</p> + + <p><i>The Other Customer</i> (<i>with evident + embarrassment</i>). Er—eh, yes—quite so, I—I + daresay.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the + advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the</i> + Loquacious Assistant <i>has bowed out the</i> Sympathetic + Customer, <i>and touched a bell. A</i> Saturnine Assistant + <i>appears, still masticating bread-and-butter. The</i> + Second Customer <i>removes his hat, revealing a denuded + crown, and thereby causing surprise and a distinct increase + of complacency in the</i> Grizzled Gentleman, <i>who + submits himself to the</i> Loquacious Assistant. <i>The</i> + Bald Customer <i>sinks resignedly into the chair indicated + by the</i> Saturnine Operator, <i>feeling apologetic and + conscious that he is not affording a fair scope for that + gentleman's professional talent. The other</i> Assistant + <i>appears to take a reflected pride in his + subject.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> (<i>to the</i> Grizzled Customer). + Remarkable how some parties <i>do</i> keep their 'air, Sir! Now + yours—(<i>with a disparaging glance at the</i> Bald + Customer's <i>image in the mirror</i>)—yours grows quite + remarkable strong. Do you <i>use</i> anythink for it now?</p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> Not I. Leave that to those who are not so + well protected!</p> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> I was on'y wondering if you'd been + applying our Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's + the gentleman next door to here—a chemist, he + is—and if you'll believe me, he was gettin' as bald as a + robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when his 'ed come out + all over brustles!</p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> Brussels, what? <i>Sprouts</i>, eh?</p> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a + brush. But you can afford to 'ave <i>your</i> laugh, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>The Sat. Ass.</i> (<i>to the</i> Bald Customer, <i>with + withering deference</i>). Much off, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>weakly thinking to propitiate by making + light of his infirmity</i>). Well, there isn't much <i>on</i>, + is there?</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> (<i>taking a mean advantage</i>). Well, Sir, + it wouldn't be a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on + <i>your</i> 'ed, cert'nly! (<i>Severely, as one reproaching him + for carelessness</i>.) You <i>'ave</i> been losin' your 'air! + Puts me in mind of what the poet says in <i>'Amlet</i>. "Oh, + what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse <i>me</i>, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>with a sensitive squirm</i>). Oh, don't + apologise—I'm <i>used</i> to it, you know!</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to + the shorn lamb so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. + But what <i>you</i> ought to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em + so as you couldn't tell it from natural 'air nowadays!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Bald Customer <i>feebly declines this + meretricious adornment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> (<i>to his subject</i>). Know Mr. PARIS + PATTERTON of the Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in + our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is 'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. + The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo wash on his 'ed.</p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any + good?</p> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> (<i>demurely</i>). That I can't tell + you, Sir; but it 'as a very agreeable perfùme.</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> I think I've taken off about as much as you + can <i>spare</i>, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> (<i>with a note of triumph</i>). Look + here, you know, there's a lot more to come off here—won't + be missed, eh?</p> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick + 'ed—of <i>'air</i>, I mean, of course!</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours + singed, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>). Why, think it's any + use?</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they + singe a <i>'orse's</i> legs. [<i>The</i> Bald Customer + <i>yields, convinced by this argument.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> No singeing or any nonsense of that sort + for <i>me</i>, mind!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They are shampooed simultaneously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>piteously, from his basin</i>). + Th—that's c-cold enough, + thanks!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> (<i>aggressively from his</i>). Here, + colder than <i>that</i>—as cold as you can make + it—<i>I</i> don't care!</p> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>drying his face meekly on a towel</i>). + A—a <i>hand</i>-brush, please, <i>not</i> the + machine!</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all + the 'air <i>off</i> your 'ed, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>The Gr. C.</i> Machinery for me—and your hardest + brush, do you hear?</p> + + <table summary="dialog" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>The Loq. Ass.</i><br /> + <i>The S.A.</i></td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+5">{</font></td> + + <td align="center"><i>(together, to their respective + patients.</i></td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+5">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">Shall I put anything on your 'ed, + Sir?<br /> + Like anything on your 'air, Sir?</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>The B.C.</i> (<i>hopelessly</i>). Oh, I don't know that + it's much good!</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> Well, you may as well keep what little you + <i>'ave</i> got, Sir. Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital + thing, Sir. Known it answer in the most desprit cases. Keep it + in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny sizes. Can I 'ave the + pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny one, Sir? + (<i>The</i> Bald Customer <i>musters up moral courage to + decline, at which the</i> Assistant <i>appears disgusted with + him</i>.) No, Sir? Much obliged, Sir. Let me see—(<i>with + a touch of sarcasm</i>)—you part your 'air a one side, I + <i>think</i>, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Pay at + the counter, <i>if</i> you please. Shop—there!</p> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> Think your 'air's as you like it now, + Sir? Like to look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, + Sir.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Bald Customer <i>puts on his hat with + relief, and instantly recovers his self-respect + sufficiently to cast a defiant glare upon his rival, and + walk out with dignity. The</i> Grizzled Customer <i>after + prolonged self-inspection, follows. The two</i> Assistants + <i>are left alone.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Loq. Ass.</i> Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, + eh? Notice how I tumbled to him?</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> (<i>with superiority</i>). I <i>heard</i> + you, o' course, but, as I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it + <i>delicate</i> enough! When you've been in the profession as + long as I have, and seen as much of human nature, you'll begin + to understand how important it is to 'ave tact. Now you never + 'eard <i>me</i> stoop to flattery nor yet + over-familiarity—and yet you can see for yourself I + manage without 'urting nobody's feelings—however bald! + That's <i>tact</i>, that is!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/137-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/137-1.png" + alt="'INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS.' UN PAGE D'AMOUR." /></a> + + <h3>"INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>HORACE IN LONDON.</h3> + + <h4>TO A WAITER. (<i>AD PUERUM.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/137-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/137-2.png" + alt="A waiter." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter;</p> + + <p>Call not "Potato" a "<i>Pomme-de-terre, + maîter</i></p> + + <p><i>D'ottle</i>." I'd rather you styled it + "Pertater,"</p> + + <p>As Britons, sure, may.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As for <i>décor</i>, let the linen be + stainless—</p> + + <p>Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless.</p> + + <p><i>Crowns</i>, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you + would gain less</p> + + <p>Oft from a <i>gourmet</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of <i>The + History of the Popes</i> (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," + she says, "I particularly want to read about the time of the + Reminiscence, with all about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the + Humorists."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SERIOUS CASE.—A patient who doesn't want it known that + there's anything the matter with him, has placed himself under + the care of Dr. ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his + visits then are 'sub Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter + with him.—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Mr. Punch's Sanctum</i>. Mr. PUNCH + <i>discovered, to him enter</i> Mr. JOHN BULL.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i>. I want to know your opinion, <i>Mr. + Punch</i> on the report of Lord WANTAGE's Committee on + Recruiting?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to + be two—one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the + Government Under-Secretary of State for War.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Can't they be lumped together, <i>Mr. + Punch</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. + They are neither satisfactory, although they contradict one + another.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> So I think, <i>Mr. Punch</i>. What is to be + done?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> I will do my best to answer you. But just as a + preliminary question, may I ask whether you insure your house, + Mr. BULL?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship + and protection. If I did not, I should have to start + fire-engines and the rest of it myself.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long + run.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to + bother about the details of security from fire.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for + your Army?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> But I do, and a precious round sum too!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> However, it is difficult to get recruits. And + in England any and everything can be bought by money.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Pardon me, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, that's all + nonsense. Abroad, they can get soldiers at half the price + that—</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. + Soldiers are just as dear on the Continent as they are here. + Only, you see, the foreigners look after the fire + themselves—they become soldiers, instead of securing + substitutes.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> What do you mean?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> That you must either pay the market price, or + go in for conscription. Your money—or your life!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Well, I really think I must consider + it—I do, indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if + you do not believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a + second reading.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon</i> Mr. JOHN BULL <i>giving the + document reconsideration.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/138.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3><i>To our + M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in + the House.</i> (<i>Day before the Meeting of + Parliament</i>.)<br /> + "<i>WELL</i>, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS <i>YOU</i> UP TO + TOWN?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOGIE MAN.</h2> + + <h3>(NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.)</h3> + + <center> + <i>Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones!</p> + + <p class="i2">Hushed is our civic glee.</p> + + <p>The Voters, they have played the fool</p> + + <p class="i2">About the L.C.C.</p> + + <p>Oh, Turtle, dear—at table—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, Griffin, spick and span,</p> + + <p>I hear the Civic Fathers say</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, hush! hush! hush!</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + + <p><i>What</i> hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT</p> + + <p class="i2">Is made an Alderman?</p> + + <p>Oh, whist! whist! whist!</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll catch ye if he can!</p> + + <p>Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops,</p> + + <p class="i2">From this new Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When we sit down to dinner,</p> + + <p class="i2">My giant chum and I,</p> + + <p>O'er calipash and calipee</p> + + <p class="i2">We're both inclined to cry.</p> + + <p>For if Progressist fingers</p> + + <p class="i2">Once dip into our pan,</p> + + <p>Aloud, but vainly, we may cry,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whist! whist! the Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Chorus</i>.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + + <p>Then hide your heads, my darlings;</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll catch ye if he can.</p> + + <p>Then whist! whist! whist!</p> + + <p class="i2">This new Progressive plan</p> + + <p>Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops</p> + + <p class="i2">Slaves to this Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain the <i>Times</i> might thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain the <i>Standard</i> squall,</p> + + <p>To frighten little Moderates;</p> + + <p class="i2">They paid no heed at all</p> + + <p>When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Away the Voters ran</p> + + <p>And voted straight, with hearts elate,</p> + + <p class="i2">For yonder Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Chorus</i>.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + + <p>He'll collar all our civic perks,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis his "Progressive" plan.</p> + + <p>Oh, whist! whist! whist!</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll catch ye if he can.</p> + + <p>Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops,</p> + + <p class="i2">From yonder Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock</p> + + <p class="i2">To think of your sad fate,</p> + + <p>If you <i>should</i> lose your Guildhall rock,</p> + + <p class="i2">And <i>we</i> be doomed by fate.</p> + + <p>For BURNS our pride would humble,</p> + + <p class="i2">No "giants" in his plan!</p> + + <p>Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beware, yon Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Chorus</i>.—Oh, whist! whist! whist!</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + + <p>GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog.</p> + + <p class="i2">Are no parts of <i>his</i> plan.</p> + + <p>Oh, hush! hush! hush!</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll catch ye if he can!</p> + + <p>Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>He</i>'ll give—yon Bogey + Man!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor,</p> + + <p class="i2">And LUBBOCK seemed to cool,</p> + + <p>MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON</p> + + <p class="i2">May proudly play the fool.</p> + + <p>London's delivered to be ruled</p> + + <p class="i2">On the "Progressive" plan,</p> + + <p>And "BEN" can bear the honoured name—</p> + + <p class="i2">Ye gods!—of ALDERMAN!!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Chorus</i>.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!</p> + + <p class="i2">Here comes the Bogie Man!</p> + + <p>Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide!</p> + + <p class="i2">You're under his black ban.</p> + + <p>Oh, whist! whist! whist!</p> + + <p class="i2">"We'll save ye, <i>if we can</i>,</p> + + <p>My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops,</p> + + <p class="i2">From yon bad Bogie Man!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>To Queen Coal.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By her Fond but Poor Lover.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If thou art not dear to <i>me</i>,</p> + + <p>What care I how dear you be!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BUTTER AND BOSH.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to + buy it under that name, but insist on its being called + 'Butter.'"—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste</p> + + <p>On men who consciously deceive their taste;</p> + + <p>Who cheating self are blindest when they've + seen,</p> + + <p>And call that Butter which is Margarine.</p> + + <p>"Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they + utter,</p> + + <p>"Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter.</p> + + <p>Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye.</p> + + <p><i>Decipiatur qui vult decipi</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/139.png" + alt="THE BOGIE MAN." /></a> + + <h3>THE BOGIE MAN.</h3> + + <table summary="caption" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="left">"HUSH! HUSH! HUSH!<br /> + HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN!</td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="left">"THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY + DARLINGS;<br /> + HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!"</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <h2>"ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME."</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats + stationed in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and + Atherfield, respectively, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has had pleasure + and pride in presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture + and Poem entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which + appeared in his issue of February 13. The names of the + coxswains and crews of these three boats, the <i>Worcester + Cadet</i>, the <i>William Slaney Lewis</i>, and the + <i>Catherine Swift</i>, are inscribed thereon (as they + should be in the memories of all true Britons), as + follows:—Of the <i>Worcester Cadet</i>, JAMES COTTON + (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT + SALTER, WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, + GEORGE NEW, GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, + EDGAR WHITE, WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK.</p> + + <p>Of the <i>William Slaney Lewis</i>, JOHN HAYTER + (Coxswain), BEN JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. + JACOBS, J. COOKE, G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. + NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J. HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, + WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and W. HOOKEY.</p> + + <p>Of the <i>Catherine Swift</i>, WILLIAM COTTON + (Coxswain), DAVID COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, + THOMAS COTTON, FRANK COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, + WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. + WHILLIER.</p> + + <p>These names thus receive—as they + deserve—honourable record "For distinguished bravery + and gallant conduct whilst on duty on the occasion of the + wreck of the s.s. <i>Eider</i>, January 31, 1892."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it + bears</p> + + <p>Many entries less worthy of record than theirs,</p> + + <p>The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go + down,</p> + + <p>With applause from their Sovereign to swell their + renown,</p> + + <p>To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too,</p> + + <p>They should sound on those ears; for, run over each + crew</p> + + <p>And you'll find that those names have a true homely + smack</p> + + <p>Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is + Jack,</p> + + <p>There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, + CHARLIE, FRANK;</p> + + <p>Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in + rank</p> + + <p>They go down to their work, ringing right cheery + hail</p> + + <p>Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make + <i>them</i> pale,</p> + + <p>Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, + cousins, and sons,</p> + + <p>For see how the "family name" through them runs</p> + + <p>Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch!</p> + + <p>Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need + not flinch.</p> + + <p>Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after + all,</p> + + <p>As NAPOLEON or CÆSAR; and when the Great Call</p> + + <p>Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain + "BILL,"</p> + + <p>Whose business was rather to save than to kill,</p> + + <p>May step before mad ALEXANDER.</p> + + <p class="i10">Well, brothers,</p> + + <p>(You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and + others,</p> + + <p>Whose names he need hardly string into his + rhymes,)</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> hopes you may look on this Record + sometimes</p> + + <p>With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well + knows,</p> + + <p>Will not—"butter your parsnips"—(to put + sense in prose):</p> + + <p>But you have his hearty good will, and you know + it,—</p> + + <p>Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it!</p> + + <p>And when or wherever <i>another</i> should come,</p> + + <p>Be sure your friend <i>Punch</i> won't be careless + or dumb!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2> + + <h3>VI.—THE DUFFER AT WHIST.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Continued.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my + partners don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing + short of an absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, + could tempt me to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I + am subjected. Your thoroughgoing Whist-player as + such—admirable in private life as I personally know him + to be—the moment he begins the daily business of his + life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another + time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of + woe; now and here nothing seems to interest him but his own + immediate welfare, which he pursues with concentrated energy + and earnestness. I verily believe that if, at one of two + adjoining tables, the chandelier fell on the players' heads to + their exceeding detriment, the occupants of the other table + would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their rubber for + one moment. <i>Fiant chartæ ruat coelum</i>—let the cards + be made whatever chandeliers fall.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141.png" + alt="'When I come to think the matter over in cold blood.'" /> + </a>"When I come to think the matter over in cold blood." + </div> + + <p>The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a + retired Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in + mortal dread. He has short shrift for any failings, even of + players nearly as good as himself, whilst as for me! though he + has never yet resorted to personal violence with a chair-leg, + yet that would not surprise me; and my pestilent fate in + defiance of all mathematical odds in such case made and + provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four times in + succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of + sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if + they contain plenty of good cards—can manage to scrape + along in a way I think fairly satisfactory even—to him, + though he never encourages me by saying so. But an awful thing + happened the other night. I had played one rubber with him and + won it, though it was only a rubber of two instead of a bumper, + as it would have been if I had played properly—for being + in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a trump, but it + subsequently turned out that <i>the adversaries had called for + them</i>. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely + those of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by + a ten and a two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous + results.</p> + + <p>However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected + suavity, merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general + interest, "The only time my partner ever leads a trump is when + the adversaries call." I smiled inanely—what else could I + do? for I was dimly conscious that the stricture might have + justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but worse remains + behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner had + four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence + he extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two + between us, mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, + exactly at the time I did not want it; although everyone else + knew where the smaller trump was, I did not, so I drew it from + my partner's hand, and then led him a card of which he had none + in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would have it, belonged to + an enormously long suit, of which one of the adversaries had + entire control. So this gentleman got in and made about six + tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore made with + his spades all—indeed, I rather think more tricks than + the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, + now losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing + anger and turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime + was borne in upon him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; + the adversaries' score had stood at one, while we were at two, + and besides, we had had two by honours; as they made four by + cards, they went out—and so did I—not without an + <i>obbligato</i> accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered + whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, + of all the born fools!" and similar objurgations.</p> + + <p>When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could + see that my proper course would have been to lead the losing + card before drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake + (a fatal one I grant) in the order of playing them. That was + all.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American + leads," "the fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a + knave; lead him at once, <i>I</i> think, on <i>Dogberry's</i> + principle: and "thank heaven you are rid of a knave."</p> + + <p>The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that + many of my Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People + talking of laying up a wretched old age by not playing, I + should be laying it up for other people if I did play much. + Half-crown points, a partner who knows how to score (those + counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little bone + grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable + conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make + the kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common + Room in the happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never + quite understood. The rigour of the game is the ruin of + Whist.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/142.png" + alt="THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS." /></a> + + <h3>THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS.</h3>There has not been time + yet to arrange the Figures. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<i>Sich a Nice Man Too!</i>" is one of the latest, and + greatest, successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. + ALBERT CHEVALIER, who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves + that he, the Muse of the Market Cart, and Bard of the + Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the Old Kent Road,"—and + elsewhere—with well-deserved success. As is ever the + case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal + applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of + which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his + chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where + they sing—and shout—the following might be + rendered with relish:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>No. VII.—SICH A SMART MAN TOO!</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Coster-Jim on Corkus-Joe.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's party-men yer meets about</p> + + <p class="i2">What wins yer 'eart instanter;</p> + + <p>Of <i>their</i> success there's ne'er a doubt,</p> + + <p class="i2">They romps in in a canter.</p> + + <p>There's one as means to lick the lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger.</p> + + <p>For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot;</p> + + <p class="i2">Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/143-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sich a smart man too! Sich a <i>very</i> smart + man!</p> + + <p>No Tory pride, no toffish affectation!</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel</p> + + <p class="i2">That in 'im yer 'ave to deal</p> + + <p>With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'E made 'is pile in a snide way,—</p> + + <p class="i2">"Down on ther nail," 'is + motter—</p> + + <p>Went to the front, and came to <i>stay</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whigs might pertest and potter.</p> + + <p>'Is game wos doin' the poor good,</p> + + <p class="i2">And doin' of it 'andsome.</p> + + <p>JACK CADE they called 'im,—which wos + rude—</p> + + <p class="i2">'Acos 'e talked o' ransom!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sich a smart man too! Sich a <i>very</i> smart + man!</p> + + <p>No "Lily" pride, no blue—blood + affectation!</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet he somehow made yer feel</p> + + <p class="i2">That in 'im yer 'ad to deal</p> + + <p>With a gent by nature <i>and</i> by edgercation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You ought to seen 'im on the stump,</p> + + <p class="i2">Smart frock and stiff shirt collar;</p> + + <p>Got up regardless, clean-cut chump,</p> + + <p class="i2">Orchid for button-'oler!</p> + + <p>'E cocked a snook at pride o' race.</p> + + <p class="i2">We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY!</p> + + <p>Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place;</p> + + <p class="i2">Then won't old WEG look rummy?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sich a smart man too! Sich a <i>very</i> smart + man!</p> + + <p>No <i>Rip wan Winkle</i> HARTY affectation!</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet 'e somehow made yer feel</p> + + <p class="i2">That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal</p> + + <p>With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like sunshine in November.</p> + + <p>Sez 'e, "<i>I</i>'m for the Sons o' Tile!"</p> + + <p class="i2">O yus, don't we remember!</p> + + <p>We fancied JOE wos one of hus,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cove we might ha' trusted.</p> + + <p>Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss</p> + + <p class="i2">At the Brum bubble—busted!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sich a smart man too! Sich a <i>very</i> smart + man!</p> + + <p>No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation!</p> + + <p class="i2">One as somehow made yer feel</p> + + <p class="i2">'E alone knowed 'ow to deal</p> + + <p>With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'E chose to play at hodd man hout;</p> + + <p class="i2">'E ain't the fust by many</p> + + <p>Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout</p> + + <p class="i2">With a two-'eaded penny.</p> + + <p>It's broke our trust; <i>'e</i> can go 'ome</p> + + <p class="i2">With Toffdom for next neighbour.</p> + + <p><i>'E</i> won't cut Capital's cockscomb</p> + + <p class="i2">In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sich a snide man too! Sich a <i>very</i> snide + man!</p> + + <p>And now,—but that's 'is hartful + affectation!</p> + + <p class="i2">'E would like to make hus feel</p> + + <p class="i2">As he only "plays genteel,"</p> + + <p>To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 7.</i>—JOKIM in a + bad way to-night. People are wanting to know how it has come + about that TATE's offer of £80,000 for Picture Gallery, with + £80,000 worth of pictures thrown in to start it, has, after + long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, been + withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain.</p> + + <p>"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in + confidence, "is to give him one for his <i>tête</i>, as we say + in cribbage. But suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best + in that direction though undercurrent of observation in lengthy + paper he read decidedly set in direction of making TATE out as + a cantankerous wrong-headed person who, proposing to bestow + some £160,000 in way of free gift, expected to have his wishes + consulted in such matter of detail as selection of site for + Gallery.</p> + + <p>"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the + door is not finally closed on the establishment of a gallery + for British Art."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/143-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-2.png" + alt="Young Father Dillwyn." /></a>Young Father + Dillwyn. + </div> + + <p>"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand + to ear, listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with + that other eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. + "What we complain of is, that you have so managed matters that + the door hasn't been opened."</p> + + <p>"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my + trying anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court + at Lyons, a sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his + arm was tattooed the legend, '<i>Pas de chance</i>.' He told + long story of honest endeavour, combined with strict honesty + and tireless industry, ever frustrated by malign accident. In + short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was sent back + upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in + enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the + legend on his forearm. <i>Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance.</i> + Ever since I joined this Government things have gone wrong with + me, whether in Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of + the House, with £1 notes, and now in this affair, where I run + my head against TATE (sort of <i>tête-à-tête</i>), and, though + I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will have it that I've + muddled things and lost the nation a munificent gift. <i>Pas de + chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!</i>"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/143-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-3.png" + alt="Craig (not Ailsa)." /></a>Craig (not Ailsa). + </div> + + <p>HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it + is very bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no + better than they were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs + more, and could do less than any in the world. Curious to find + statement like this gravely made in presence of twenty-eight + Members, all told, including the SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, + Empire on verge of precipice, into which, on slightest impulse, + it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in the main, care so + little that they busy themselves + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" + id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> writing letters, chatting + in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present + admirably succeed in disguising terror that must possess + them as HANBURY, in solemn voice, utters his + lamentation.</p> + + <p>"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall + figure below Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust + LOCHIEL, and told him his prospects in the next war were at + least doubtful,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day</p> + + <p>When the Lowlands shall meet thee in + battle-array.'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; + makes speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but + interested Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great + Britain an Army so large or so fully equipped. When midnight + struck, the few Members present shook themselves, yawned, and + went home. <i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Army + Estimates.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/144-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-1.png" + alt="Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke." /></a>Mr. + Swift MacNeill's little joke. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Never saw in the flesh procession of + Russian Convicts starting on their journey to Siberia. Have + read about it, though; have even seen pictures thereof. The + most saddening and soul-depressing of these came back to mind + just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly + filed forth at command of Chairman of Committees, amid cheers + of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been a little more + ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been + connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. + Members on Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring + forth, could not have resisted natural impulse to feel in their + waistcoat pocket for a kopec or two to bestow upon the + unfortunates.</p> + + <p>It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of + the blow, that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these + three Members had supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. + in matter of preliminary expenses of railway through their + territory. Someone had discovered they were pecuniarily + interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT MACNEILL raised the + question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved Resolution + that vote of three Members be disallowed.</p> + + <p>Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. + Rather in sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, + as all Irish Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice + and sanctity of constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in + BURDETT-COUTTS's waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in + comprehensive smile of amity.</p> + + <p>Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, + almost jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not + have done it if he'd thought anyone would have made a row about + it—"as the little boy said when he was being spanked for + putting his fingers in the jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, + <i>sotto voce</i>. BURDETT-COUTTS almost haughty in his + defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN SWIFT, Dean + of St. Patrick's.</p> + + <p>PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it + particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were + an Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only + last Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under + discussion, he had delivered an Address which disclosed + intimate acquaintance with topographical bearings of rarely + trodden wilds in Central Africa. Had shown how an Agent of East + Africa Company, setting forth from So-and-so, had, after + perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night of broken rest, + his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine lions, he + had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered for + hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless + plains of Etcetera.</p> + + <p>House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from + So-on to So-forth.</p> + + <p>"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not + unfamiliar with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little + monotonously named."</p> + + <p>"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I + can't pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them + So-on."</p> + + <p>House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself + at one bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only + last Friday; to-day called upon to defend himself from charge + of breaking written law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to + come. When PELLY's pensive voice died away, COURTNEY rose from + Chair and sternly said, "In accordance with practice of the + House, the three Hon. Members will now withdraw." So they + strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON first, with + ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering what + they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing up + the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of + jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to + So-forth. <i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/144-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-2.png" + alt="The Salvationist Solicitor-General." /></a>The + Salvationist Solicitor-General. + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—"The Leadership isn't all beer and + skittles, is it?" I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to + put the best face on a melancholy business.</p> + + <p>"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at + all."</p> + + <p>Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call + "the general idea" of the Sitting to-night, was—questions + beginning at half-past three; over probably at four; House in + Committee; take up Army Estimates; peg away at them till + midnight; then "Who goes home?" Time-table of what actually + took place slightly, but firmly different. House met at three; + prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY FOWLER's motion to + permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet Sabbaths at + Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six, the + SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then + questions, seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of + public interest, the rest of character that might be raised on + dull days in Vestry-hall.</p> + + <p>At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members + think they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of + which," as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking + permission to move Adjournment of House in order to discuss + famine in India, and shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER + invites those who support application to rise in their places. + Gentlemen below the Gangway, with hearts bleeding for famished + fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject reminds them, by the + way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to their feet. Twice + the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given, and SWIFT + MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing + happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing + for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so + near dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so + they bundle forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they + had secured his opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they + didn't want to hear about the sufferings of their + fellow-creatures."</p> + + <p>At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, + with intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of + Supply after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to + twelve. Business reached at last, but since Debate closes at + midnight, no time to do anything. Committee of Supply + accordingly postponed, and Members begin chatting about Gresham + College, admitting in course of conversation that there is + nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted suggestion + of objectors to scheme.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—MACNEILL the Avenger to the front + again, with his Motion about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" + LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, supports Motion, that votes + of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS on Mombasa Affair shall + be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other side; Mr. G. + throws weight of his authority into scale against the Exiles; + JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House, + Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he + announced the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it + was an earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered + by second defeat of Government in the week. <i>Business + done.</i>—Looks as if the Government's was—very + nearly.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, March 19, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14365-h.htm or 14365-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/6/14365/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +March 19, 1892. + + + + +"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?" + +_MERCHANT OF VENICE._ + + ["The entire stock of _Hansard's Parliamentary Debates_ ... + was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000 + volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The Auctioneer exclaimed,--"These Vols. + Have neither fault nor blot. + I think that I, without demur, + May call them quite 'a lot.' + + "Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT, + Good for the heart and head. + Take them as spoken; if you like, + Pray take them, too, as read." + + But when the Auction did begin, + Bidders, alack! were lacking; + Back numbers hove in sight in shoals, + Yet seemed to have no backing. + + "Then this," quoth he, "appears to be + The dismal situation; + Though from these speeches statesmen quote, + For them there's no quotation. + + "The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,' + Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry; + But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain, + Itself is all my eye. + + "A penny! Really such a bid + I can't allow to pass; + A man who'd offer coppers here + Must be composed of brass. + + "'Progress' I cannot well 'report,' + Unless this lot is bought in; + The only progress seems to be, + When there'll be no reportin'. + + "Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!" + The hammer-man did shout; + "If you desire, I knock them down-- + You first must knock _me_ out! + + "No higher offer? Then I'm forced, + Pray pardon the suggestion-- + To take a hint from Parliament, + And 'move the Previous Question.'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE! + +[Illustration: Mysterious!] + +The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been translated +into English. It is called _The Blackbeetle_, and is a purely domestic +drama. The following Scene from the last Act will give some idea of +the exquisite simplicity and pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER +BOSCH's admirers freely assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything +like this. It will be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M. +MAETERLINCK, does not always name his characters, but only mentions +their relation to each other. + + SCENE XXV.--_The Great Grandmother, the Mother-in-law, + the Female First Cousin one remove, and the + Brother-in-law's Aunt are discovered standing on the table, + and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage on a chair._ + +_The Mother-in-law_. Eh? eh? eh? + +_The Female First Cousin one remove_ (_pointing to Half-sister's +Nephew by marriage_). He! he! he! + +_The Great Grandmother_. Ay! ay! ay! + +_The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage_ (_shuddering_). Oh! oh! oh! + +_The Brother-in-law's Aunt_ (_to him_). You! you! you! [_The +Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon +the Blackbeetle. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ENTETEMENT BRITANNIQUE. + +RONDEAU. + + _Mal a la tete_, _ennui_, _migraine_, + We risk in trying to explain + Why, though the Income-tax is high, + This country never can supply + Such galleries as line the Seine. + + Yet gifts are treated with disdain, + Which gives the would-be donors pain,-- + We've now a name to call _that_ by, + "_Mal a la_ TATE." + + Next time an offer's made in vain + MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain, + Or ask, at least, the reason why, + And even dumber folks will cry, + "By Jove! they've made a mull again, + MULL _a la_ TATE!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Brer Rabbit.] + +Everybody who took delight in our old friend _Uncle Remus_ will +thoroughly enjoy _A Plantation Printer_, by JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The +Baron doesn't recommend it to be taken at one sitting, the dialect +being rather difficult, but a chapter at a time will be found +refreshing. The like advice may be acted upon by anyone who has +invested in the latest volume of the Library of Wit and Humour, +entitled _Faces and Places_. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented +by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of these +entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which ought to have +been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially interesting; and the +only disappointing thing in the book is the omission of "An Evening +with Witches," as a companion picture to "A Night at Watts's." + +By the way, in my copy of _A Plantation Printer_, the English printer +has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss CARTER, +a charming young lady, is watching a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees +"a group of shadows, with musical voices, sweep across the Bermuda +fields." + +"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her little hands," +and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her excitement. "I can +put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates +would I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER. + + At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- + The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin.'" + I tipped him as thy welcome form + He carried, with a grateful smile, in. + + Alas! thou art a faithless friend, + Thy warmth was but dissimulation; + Thy tepid glow is at an end, + And I am nowhere near my station! + + I shiver, cold in feet and hands, + It is a legal form of slaughter, + They don't warm(!) trains in other lands + With half a pint of tepid water. + + I spurn thy coldness with a kick, + And pile on rugs as my protectors. + I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, + Thy parsimonious Directors! + + * * * * * + +RICH V. POOR. + +(_A NOTE KINDLY CONTRIBUTED BY OUR OWN GRAPHIC REPORTER._) + +Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing scene of +a trial that was one of the features of the present Sessions. The +Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of hiding his emotion, and +freely used his pocket-handkerchief. Many ladies who had until now +been occupied in using opera-glasses, at this point relinquished +those assistants to the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative +properties of bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship +on the Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's +dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge glanced +for a moment at the number of titled and other highly respectable +witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the accused. Then he +addressed the Prisoner:-- + +"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you with +having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a fortune of +L28,000 to L7,000. This means a wretched pittance to beneficiaries +who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent income. I am +aware that you are a distinguished Magistrate,--that you have belonged +to many Clubs,--that there is not a slur upon the cooking that used to +distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of the sentence I +am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would permit me to give you +a lighter punishment. But I cannot." + +The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal servitude. + +A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for stealing +twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to ten +years' penal servitude, and seven years' police supervision. The case +was of no public interest. + + * * * * * + +THE MODESTY OF GENIUS. + + When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew, + SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's left out you!" + + To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know it; + And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.--"The Police patrolled +the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance." + + * * * * * + +NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, ACCOMPANIED BY +DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS CYMBALS.--"_Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray_!" + + * * * * * + +DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!--Mrs. R. cannot understand our aristocracy +being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. _She_ wouldn't be a +Chairwoman for anything. + + * * * * * + +WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.--"_Haunt 'un_ Street, W." It's an +artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? Possibly.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE MEN.--"The +Lushais." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVIDED DUTY." + +_Right Hon. the Minister for War_. "SURELY, MY LORD CHANCELLOR, YOU +CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE 'REGULARS'--" + +_Lord Chancellor_. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK NOT." (_Aside._) +"WE _MUST_ MAKE _SOME_ USE OF HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +LIVING AND LEARNING. + +MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an advertisement +headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" she exclaimed, "I +never knew till now that Salmon was a flying fish!" + + * * * * * + +"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of an article +in the _D.T._ last Friday, and it turned out to be all about the +Richie and the Poorie. + + * * * * * + +THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.--Some delay at present, but immediately +after signing we shall commence "sealing." + + * * * * * + +THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. + +(_A STORY OF ADVENTURE NOT IN THE LEAST LIKELY TO BE TRUE._) + +"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the Secretary of State +for War of one of his colleagues. + +"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a meeting +in the East End of London, I do," replied the Home-Secretary. "An +excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that old story of the Amateur +Casual, which appeared some twenty or thirty years ago in the columns +of an evening paper." + +"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" suggested the +First Lord of the Admiralty. + +"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. "After all, +there is nothing like personal experience." + +And then all three were silent, lost in profound consideration. +Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, declaring that they +had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet Council. + +It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform of the +Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and requested that he +might be permitted to undertake a spell of "sentry go." He was not +known by the Non-commissioned Officer on duty, but as his papers +appeared to be correct, permission was given him to act as substitute +for Private SMITH, who was next on the roster. + +And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made +his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview +with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to +the precincts of the gaol. + +"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before +him; "what do you want?" + +"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I +shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so +at oakum-picking." + +"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such luxuries +are only allowed to individuals who have been properly introduced to +us by a Judge and Jury." + +"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that an order +from the Home-Secretary would smooth all difficulties." + +"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are only +supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners of extreme +distinction." + +"I have the requisite document," replied the curiously-garbed +stranger, and he was bowed into a well-appointed cell, and furnished +with the tangled rope for which he had petitioned. + +And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated on one of +Her Majesty's Ships of War. + +"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who was rather +short-tempered. + +"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the sea-faring man; +"and, if you will glance at this paper, you will see that I have +special permission from Whitehall to be mast-headed, or to undertake +some other naval manoeuvre of a more modern date." + +Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, the +Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes later the +sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), the quivering +rungs of a rope-ladder. + +A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary soldier, +a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with bruises, met by +chance in the common room of a tavern. For some minutes they were +too exhausted to speak. At length, the convict declared that the +organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons was simply perfect. + +"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist with +truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable condition of the +Queen's Barracks." + +"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring man; "but I +am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the Admiralty could not +possibly be better." + +"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could not be +worse!" + +Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of the merits +of the institutions they had recently visited. + +"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had some +legal training, and it seems to me that you are both gentlemen of +great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine that your education is +greatly in excess of that possessed by men of the same standing in the +professions you appear to have adopted." + +"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his disguise; +"because I happen to be the Secretary of State for War." + +"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from his +sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an official +uniform--"And I am the First Lord of the Admiralty." + +Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, the wearer +of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a part of his +costume, and the whole of his "make-up." + +"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he observed, with a +smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary." + +Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them insisted that +his particular branch of the Government Service was better than the +branches of his colleagues. + +"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and try for +ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and +subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend +of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord +and the Secretary of State raised objections. + +"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you would find +much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, and a plank-bed +and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each great claim to points +of similarity." + +"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the War +Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary." + +"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval matters; "and +thus I think we can conveniently leave further personal investigation +to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and his Private Secretary." And +so, perfectly satisfied with the result of their peregrinations, +the Ministers again bade one another adieu, and, this time, finally +separated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE. + +_Friendly and Sympathetic Footman_. "WELL, THEY TELL ME, SIR, AS +MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE +PERFESSION,--IN FACT, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL '_PRINCIPLY FORCEPS_,' SIR!" + +[_No doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but he +didn't._]] + + * * * * * + +A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.--It is a great source of disappointment to +_Mr. Punch_ that GRANDOLPH should have declined to be an Alderman. +It may be a question as to whether he would have enlarged the sphere +of his influence, but, by accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically +certain that within six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his +weight and increased his circumference. + + * * * * * + +"HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING." + +(_A SKETCH IN A HAIR-DRESSER'S SALOON._) + + SCENE--_A small but well-appointed Saloon, with the usual + fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a + Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than + ordinarily sympathetic manner._ + +[Illustration: "You _'ave_ been losin' your 'air!"] + +_The Loquacious Assistant_. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the +clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of _that_ sort to do, +not bein' required to pufform any duties of a _menial_ nature, Sir. +'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the +river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any +fishin', to mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway +Comp'ny takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir, +don't stay 'ere _all_ day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me out +to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant change, Sir? +Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as lives in Prague +Villas, Sir. I've been to do _her_ 'air many a time. (_He sighs +sentimentally._) I _did_ like waitin' on _'er_, Sir. Sech a beautiful +woman she is, too,--with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is, +and her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but she +give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work 'ard all her +life to support her Ma, and she _did_ think after she was married she +was goin' to enjoy herself--but she _'adn't_! Ah, she _was_ a nice +lady, Sir; she'd got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks +to get it right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air, +and she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very words, +Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Yes, she was +a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the room with 'er, swearin' +orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, Sir. Ain't been for ever sech +a while now, Sir. I _did_ think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd +forgot a comb, Sir, but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't +do twice, _would_ it, Sir? Sixteen her number is--a sweet number, +Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er maid and her +man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! (_Observing that the_ +Sympathetic Customer _is gradually growing red in the face and getting +hysterical._) Towel too tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir. +(_Here two fresh_ Customers _enter._) Ready for you in one moment, +Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, but he'll +be up directly + + [_The two fresh Customers watch one another suspiciously, + after the manner of Britons. The first, who is elderly, + removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled + hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second, + a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely + obliged to do so._ + +_The Grizzled Customer_ (_to the_ Other Customer, _as his natural +self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve_). 'Shtonishing how fast one's +hair does grow. It's not three weeks since I had a close crop. Great +nuisance, eh? + +_The Other Customer_ (_with evident embarrassment_). Er--eh, +yes--quite so, I--I daresay. + + [_He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the + advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the Loquacious + Assistant has bowed out the Sympathetic Customer, and + touched a bell. A Saturnine Assistant appears, still + masticating bread-and-butter. The Second Customer removes + his hat, revealing a denuded crown, and thereby causing + surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the + Grizzled Gentleman, who submits himself to the Loquacious + Assistant. The Bald Customer sinks resignedly into + the chair indicated by the Saturnine Operator, feeling + apologetic and conscious that he is not affording a fair scope + for that gentleman's professional talent. The other Assistant + appears to take a reflected pride in his subject._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to the Grizzled Customer_). Remarkable how some +parties _do_ keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours--(_with a disparaging +glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror_)--yours grows +quite remarkable strong. Do you _use_ anythink for it now? + +_The Gr. C._ Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected! + +_The Loq. Ass._ I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our +Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next +door to here--a chemist, he is--and if you'll believe me, he was +gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when +his 'ed come out all over brustles! + +_The Gr. C._ Brussels, what? _Sprouts_, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a brush. But you +can afford to 'ave _your_ laugh, Sir! + +_The Sat. Ass._ (_to the Bald Customer, with withering deference_). +Much off, Sir? + +_The B.C._ (_weakly thinking to propitiate by making light of his +infirmity_). Well, there isn't much _on_, is there? + +_The S.A._ (_taking a mean advantage_). Well, Sir, it wouldn't be +a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on _your_ 'ed, cert'nly! +(_Severely, as one reproaching him for carelessness_.) You _'ave_ been +losin' your 'air! Puts me in mind of what the poet says in _'Amlet_. +"Oh, what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse _me_, Sir! + +_The B.C._ (_with a sensitive squirm_). Oh, don't apologise--I'm +_used_ to it, you know! + +_The S.A._ Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to the shorn lamb +so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. But what _you_ ought +to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em so as you couldn't tell it from +natural 'air nowadays! + + [_The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious + adornment._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to his subject_). Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the +Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is +'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo +wash on his 'ed. + +_The Gr. C._ Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any good? + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_demurely_). That I can't tell you, Sir; but it 'as a +very agreeable perfume. + +_The S.A._ I think I've taken off about as much as you can _spare_, +Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ (_with a note of triumph_). Look here, you know, there's +a lot more to come off here--won't be missed, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed--of _'air_, I +mean, of course! + +_The S.A._ If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir. + +_The B.C._ (_dejectedly_). Why, think it's any use? + +_The S.A._ No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a +_'orse's_ legs. [_The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this +argument._ + +_The Gr. C._ No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for _me_, mind! + + [_They are shampooed simultaneously._ + +_The B.C._ (_piteously, from his basin_). Th--that's c-cold enough, +thanks! + +_The Gr. C._ (_aggressively from his_). Here, colder than _that_--as +cold as you can make it--_I_ don't care! + +_The B.C._ (_drying his face meekly on a towel_). A--a _hand_-brush, +please, _not_ the machine! + +_The S.A._ No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all the 'air _off_ +your 'ed, Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ Machinery for me--and your hardest brush, do you hear? + + _The Loq. Ass._ { _(together, to_ {Shall I put anything on + _The S.A._ {_their respective_ { your 'ed, Sir? + { _patients_.) {Like anything on your + { 'air, Sir? + +_The S.A._ Well, you may as well keep what little you _'ave_ got, Sir. +Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer +in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny +sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny +one, Sir? (_The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline, +at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him_.) No, Sir? Much +obliged, Sir. Let me see--(_with a touch of sarcasm_)--you part your +'air a one side, I _think_, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir. +Pay at the counter, _if_ you please. Shop--there! + +_The Loq. Ass._ Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to +look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir. + + [_The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and + instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a + defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The + Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows. + The two Assistants are left alone._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I +tumbled to him? + +_The S.A._ (_with superiority_). I _heard_ you, o' course, but, as +I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it _delicate_ enough! When +you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much +of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is +to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard _me_ stoop to flattery nor yet +over-familiarity--and yet you can see for yourself I manage without +'urting nobody's feelings--however bald! That's _tact_, that is! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._) + +[Illustration] + + None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter; + Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maiter_ + _D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater," + As Britons, sure, may. + + As for _decor_, let the linen be stainless-- + Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless. + _Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less + Oft from a _gourmet_. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History +of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I +particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all +about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists." + + * * * * * + +SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't want it known that there's +anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. +ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub +Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him + enter Mr. JOHN BULL._ + +_Mr. Punch_. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you? + +_Mr. Bull_. I want to know your opinion, _Mr. Punch_ on the report of +Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting? + +_Mr. P._ Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two--one by +the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary +of State for War. + +_Mr. B._ Can't they be lumped together, _Mr. Punch_? + +_Mr. P._ Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither +satisfactory, although they contradict one another. + +_Mr. B._ So I think, _Mr. Punch_. What is to be done? + +_Mr. P._ I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary +question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL? + +_Mr. B._ Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection. +If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it +myself. + +_Mr. P._ Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run. + +_Mr. B._ To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about +the details of security from fire. + +_Mr. P._ Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army? + +_Mr. B._ But I do, and a precious round sum too! + +_Mr. P._ However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any +and everything can be bought by money. + +_Mr. B._ Pardon me, _Mr. Punch_, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can +get soldiers at half the price that-- + +_Mr. P._ (_interrupting_). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as +dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners +look after the fire themselves--they become soldiers, instead of +securing substitutes. + +_Mr. B._ What do you mean? + +_Mr. P._ That you must either pay the market price, or go in for +conscription. Your money--or your life! + +_Mr. B._ Well, I really think I must consider it--I do, indeed! + +_Mr. P._ And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if you do not +believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a second reading. + + [_Scene closes in upon Mr. JOHN BULL giving the document + reconsideration._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_To our M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in +the House._ (_Day before the Meeting of Parliament_.) + +"_WELL_, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS _YOU_ UP TO TOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOGIE MAN. + +(NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.) + +_Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce_:-- + + Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones! + Hushed is our civic glee. + The Voters, they have played the fool + About the L.C.C. + Oh, Turtle, dear--at table-- + Oh, Griffin, spick and span, + I hear the Civic Fathers say + Here comes the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus._ + + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + _What_ hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT + Is made an Alderman? + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops, + From this new Bogie Man! + + When we sit down to dinner, + My giant chum and I, + O'er calipash and calipee + We're both inclined to cry. + For if Progressist fingers + Once dip into our pan, + Aloud, but vainly, we may cry, + Whist! whist! the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Then hide your heads, my darlings; + He'll catch ye if he can. + Then whist! whist! whist! + This new Progressive plan + Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops + Slaves to this Bogie Man! + + In vain the _Times_ might thunder, + In vain the _Standard_ squall, + To frighten little Moderates; + They paid no heed at all + When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing, + Away the Voters ran + And voted straight, with hearts elate, + For yonder Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + He'll collar all our civic perks, + 'Tis his "Progressive" plan. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can. + Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops, + From yonder Bogie Man! + + Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock + To think of your sad fate, + If you _should_ lose your Guildhall rock, + And _we_ be doomed by fate. + For BURNS our pride would humble, + No "giants" in his plan! + Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat, + Beware, yon Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, whist! whist! whist! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog. + Are no parts of _his_ plan. + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops, + _He_'ll give--yon Bogey Man! + + Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor, + And LUBBOCK seemed to cool, + MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON + May proudly play the fool. + London's delivered to be ruled + On the "Progressive" plan, + And "BEN" can bear the honoured name-- + Ye gods!--of ALDERMAN!!! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide! + You're under his black ban. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + "We'll save ye, _if we can_, + My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops, + From yon bad Bogie Man! + + * * * * * + +TO QUEEN COAL. + +(_BY HER FOND BUT POOR LOVER._) + + "If thou art not dear to _me_, + What care I how dear you be!" + + * * * * * + +BUTTER AND BOSH. + + ["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to + buy it under that name, but insist on its being called + 'Butter.'"--_Daily Paper_.] + + Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste + On men who consciously deceive their taste; + Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen, + And call that Butter which is Margarine. + "Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter, + "Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter. + Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye. + _Decipiatur qui vult decipi_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BOGIE MAN. + + "HUSH! HUSH! HUSH! + HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN! + + "THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY DARLINGS; + HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!" +] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME." + + [To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats stationed + in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and Atherfield, + respectively, _Mr. Punch_ has had pleasure and pride in + presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture and Poem + entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which appeared in + his issue of February 13. The names of the coxswains and crews + of these three boats, the _Worcester Cadet_, the _William + Slaney Lewis_, and the _Catherine Swift_, are inscribed + thereon (as they should be in the memories of all true + Britons), as follows:--Of the _Worcester Cadet_, JAMES COTTON + (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT SALTER, + WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, GEORGE NEW, + GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, EDGAR WHITE, + WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK. + + Of the _William Slaney Lewis_, JOHN HAYTER (Coxswain), BEN + JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. JACOBS, J. COOKE, + G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J. + HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and + W. HOOKEY. + + Of the _Catherine Swift_, WILLIAM COTTON (Coxswain), DAVID + COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, THOMAS COTTON, FRANK + COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER + WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. WHILLIER. + + These names thus receive--as they deserve--honourable record + "For distinguished bravery and gallant conduct whilst on duty + on the occasion of the wreck of the s.s. _Eider_, January 31, + 1892."] + + On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it bears + Many entries less worthy of record than theirs, + The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go down, + With applause from their Sovereign to swell their renown, + To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too, + They should sound on those ears; for, run over each crew + And you'll find that those names have a true homely smack + Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is Jack, + There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, CHARLIE, FRANK; + Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in rank + They go down to their work, ringing right cheery hail + Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make _them_ pale, + Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, cousins, and sons, + For see how the "family name" through them runs + Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch! + Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need not flinch. + Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after all, + As NAPOLEON or CAESAR; and when the Great Call + Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain "BILL," + Whose business was rather to save than to kill, + May step before mad ALEXANDER. + Well, brothers, + (You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and others, + Whose names he need hardly string into his rhymes,) + _Punch_ hopes you may look on this Record sometimes + With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well knows, + Will not--"butter your parsnips"--(to put sense in prose): + But you have his hearty good will, and you know it,-- + Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it! + And when or wherever _another_ should come, + Be sure your friend _Punch_ won't be careless or dumb! + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST. + +(_CONTINUED._) + +I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my partners +don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing short of an +absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, could tempt me +to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I am subjected. Your +thoroughgoing Whist-player as such--admirable in private life as I +personally know him to be--the moment he begins the daily business +of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another +time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe; now +and here nothing seems to interest him but his own immediate welfare, +which he pursues with concentrated energy and earnestness. I verily +believe that if, at one of two adjoining tables, the chandelier fell +on the players' heads to their exceeding detriment, the occupants +of the other table would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their +rubber for one moment. _Fiant chartae ruat coelum_--let the cards be +made whatever chandeliers fall. + +[Illustration: "When I come to think the matter over in cold blood."] + +The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired +Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread. +He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good +as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to +personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me; +and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such +case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four +times in succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of +sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they +contain plenty of good cards--can manage to scrape along in a way I +think fairly satisfactory even--to him, though he never encourages +me by saying so. But an awful thing happened the other night. I had +played one rubber with him and won it, though it was only a rubber +of two instead of a bumper, as it would have been if I had played +properly--for being in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a +trump, but it subsequently turned out that _the adversaries had called +for them_. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely those +of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by a ten and a +two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous results. + +However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity, +merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only +time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." I +smiled inanely--what else could I do? for I was dimly conscious that +the stricture might have justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but +worse remains behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner +had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he +extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us, +mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time +I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump +was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him +a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would +have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the +adversaries had entire control. So this gentleman got in and made +about six tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore +made with his spades all--indeed, I rather think more tricks than +the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, now +losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing anger and +turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime was borne in upon +him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; the adversaries' score had +stood at one, while we were at two, and besides, we had had two by +honours; as they made four by cards, they went out--and so did I--not +without an _obbligato_ accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered +whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, of all +the born fools!" and similar objurgations. + +When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could see +that my proper course would have been to lead the losing card before +drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake (a fatal one I +grant) in the order of playing them. That was all. + + * * * * * + +My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American leads," "the +fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a knave; lead him at +once, _I_ think, on _Dogberry's_ principle: and "thank heaven you are +rid of a knave." + +The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my +Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up +a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other +people if I did play much. Half-crown points, a partner who knows how +to score (those counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little +bone grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable +conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make the +kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common Room in the +happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never quite understood. +The rigour of the game is the ruin of Whist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS. + +There has not been time yet to arrange the Figures.] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + + "_Sich a Nice Man Too!_" is one of the latest, and greatest, + successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, + who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves that he, the Muse + of the Market Cart, and Bard of the Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the + Old Kent Road,"--and elsewhere--with well-deserved success. + As is ever the case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal + applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of + which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his + chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where + they sing--and shout--the following might be rendered with + relish:-- + +NO. VII.--SICH A SMART MAN TOO! + +(_COSTER-JIM ON CORKUS-JOE._) + + There's party-men yer meets about + What wins yer 'eart instanter; + Of _their_ success there's ne'er a doubt, + They romps in in a canter. + There's one as means to lick the lot, + Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger. + For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot; + Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!" + +[Illustration] + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No Tory pride, no toffish affectation! + Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ave to deal + With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation! + + 'E made 'is pile in a snide way,-- + "Down on ther nail," 'is motter-- + Went to the front, and came to _stay_; + Whigs might pertest and potter. + 'Is game wos doin' the poor good, + And doin' of it 'andsome. + JACK CADE they called 'im,--which wos rude-- + 'Acos 'e talked o' ransom! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No "Lily" pride, no blue--blood affectation! + Yet he somehow made yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ad to deal + With a gent by nature _and_ by edgercation! + + You ought to seen 'im on the stump, + Smart frock and stiff shirt collar; + Got up regardless, clean-cut chump, + Orchid for button-'oler! + 'E cocked a snook at pride o' race. + We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY! + Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place; + Then won't old WEG look rummy?" + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No _Rip wan Winkle_ HARTY affectation! + Yet 'e somehow made yer feel + That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal + With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation. + + Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile, + Like sunshine in November. + Sez 'e, "_I_'m for the Sons o' Tile!" + O yus, don't we remember! + We fancied JOE wos one of hus, + A cove we might ha' trusted. + Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss + At the Brum bubble--busted! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation! + One as somehow made yer feel + 'E alone knowed 'ow to deal + With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation! + + 'E chose to play at hodd man hout; + 'E ain't the fust by many + Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout + With a two-'eaded penny. + It's broke our trust; _'e_ can go 'ome + With Toffdom for next neighbour. + _'E_ won't cut Capital's cockscomb + In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a snide man too! Sich a _very_ snide man! + And now,--but that's 'is hartful affectation! + 'E would like to make hus feel + As he only "plays genteel," + To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 7._--JOKIM in a bad way to-night. +People are wanting to know how it has come about that TATE's offer of +L80,000 for Picture Gallery, with L80,000 worth of pictures thrown +in to start it, has, after long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF +EXCHEQUER, been withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain. + +"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in confidence, +"is to give him one for his _tete_, as we say in cribbage. But +suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best in that direction though +undercurrent of observation in lengthy paper he read decidedly set +in direction of making TATE out as a cantankerous wrong-headed person +who, proposing to bestow some L160,000 in way of free gift, expected +to have his wishes consulted in such matter of detail as selection of +site for Gallery. + +"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the door is not +finally closed on the establishment of a gallery for British Art." + +[Illustration: Young Father Dillwyn.] + +"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear, +listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other +eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain +of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been +opened." + +"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying +anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a +sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his arm was tattooed +the legend, '_Pas de chance_.' He told long story of honest endeavour, +combined with strict honesty and tireless industry, ever frustrated by +malign accident. In short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was +sent back upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in +enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the legend +on his forearm. _Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance._ Ever since I +joined this Government things have gone wrong with me, whether in +Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of the House, with L1 +notes, and now in this affair, where I run my head against TATE (sort +of _tete-a-tete_), and, though I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will +have it that I've muddled things and lost the nation a munificent +gift. _Pas de chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!_" + +[Illustration: Craig (not Ailsa).] + +HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it is very +bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no better than they +were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs more, and could do less +than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely +made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the +SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which, +on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in +the main, care so little that they busy themselves writing letters, +chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably +succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in +solemn voice, utters his lamentation. + +"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall figure below +Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust LOCHIEL, and told him +his prospects in the next war were at least doubtful,-- + + 'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day + When the Lowlands shall meet thee in battle-array.'" + +LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; makes +speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but interested +Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great Britain an Army +so large or so fully equipped. When midnight struck, the few Members +present shook themselves, yawned, and went home. _Business done._--In +Committee on Army Estimates. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke.] + +_Tuesday._--Never saw in the flesh procession of Russian Convicts +starting on their journey to Siberia. Have read about it, though; have +even seen pictures thereof. The most saddening and soul-depressing +of these came back to mind just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and +BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly filed forth at command of Chairman of +Committees, amid cheers of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been +a little more ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been +connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. Members on +Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring forth, could not +have resisted natural impulse to feel in their waistcoat pocket for a +kopec or two to bestow upon the unfortunates. + +It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of the blow, +that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these three Members had +supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. in matter of preliminary +expenses of railway through their territory. Someone had discovered +they were pecuniarily interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT +MACNEILL raised the question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved +Resolution that vote of three Members be disallowed. + +Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. Rather in +sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, as all Irish +Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice and sanctity of +constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in BURDETT-COUTTS's +waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in comprehensive smile of +amity. + +Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, almost +jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not have done it if +he'd thought anyone would have made a row about it--"as the little +boy said when he was being spanked for putting his fingers in the +jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, _sotto voce_. BURDETT-COUTTS almost +haughty in his defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN +SWIFT, Dean of St. Patrick's. + +PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it +particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were an +Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only last +Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under discussion, +he had delivered an Address which disclosed intimate acquaintance with +topographical bearings of rarely trodden wilds in Central Africa. +Had shown how an Agent of East Africa Company, setting forth from +So-and-so, had, after perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night +of broken rest, his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine +lions, he had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered +for hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless +plains of Etcetera. + +House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from So-on to +So-forth. + +"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not unfamiliar +with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little monotonously +named." + +"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I can't +pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them So-on." + +House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself at one +bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only last Friday; +to-day called upon to defend himself from charge of breaking written +law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to come. When PELLY's pensive +voice died away, COURTNEY rose from Chair and sternly said, "In +accordance with practice of the House, the three Hon. Members will +now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON +first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering +what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing +up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of +jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth. +_Business done._--None. + +[Illustration: The Salvationist Solicitor-General.] + +_Thursday._--"The Leadership isn't all beer and skittles, is it?" +I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to put the best face on a +melancholy business. + +"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at all." + +Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call "the general +idea" of the Sitting to-night, was--questions beginning at half-past +three; over probably at four; House in Committee; take up Army +Estimates; peg away at them till midnight; then "Who goes home?" +Time-table of what actually took place slightly, but firmly different. +House met at three; prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY +FOWLER's motion to permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet +Sabbaths at Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six, +the SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then questions, +seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of public interest, the +rest of character that might be raised on dull days in Vestry-hall. + +At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think +they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which," +as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to +move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and +shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support +application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with +hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject +reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to +their feet. Twice the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given, +and SWIFT MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing +happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing +for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so near +dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so they bundle +forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they had secured his +opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they didn't want to hear about +the sufferings of their fellow-creatures." + +At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, with +intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of Supply +after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to twelve. Business +reached at last, but since Debate closes at midnight, no time to do +anything. Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin +chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation +that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted +suggestion of objectors to scheme. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday_.--MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion +about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, +supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS +on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other +side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the +Exiles; JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House, +Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he announced +the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it was an +earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered by second +defeat of Government in the week. _Business done._--Looks as if the +Government's was--very nearly. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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