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diff --git a/old/14365.txt b/old/14365.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9f418a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14365.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1777 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, +March 19, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +March 19, 1892. + + + + +"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?" + +_MERCHANT OF VENICE._ + + ["The entire stock of _Hansard's Parliamentary Debates_ ... + was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000 + volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The Auctioneer exclaimed,--"These Vols. + Have neither fault nor blot. + I think that I, without demur, + May call them quite 'a lot.' + + "Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT, + Good for the heart and head. + Take them as spoken; if you like, + Pray take them, too, as read." + + But when the Auction did begin, + Bidders, alack! were lacking; + Back numbers hove in sight in shoals, + Yet seemed to have no backing. + + "Then this," quoth he, "appears to be + The dismal situation; + Though from these speeches statesmen quote, + For them there's no quotation. + + "The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,' + Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry; + But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain, + Itself is all my eye. + + "A penny! Really such a bid + I can't allow to pass; + A man who'd offer coppers here + Must be composed of brass. + + "'Progress' I cannot well 'report,' + Unless this lot is bought in; + The only progress seems to be, + When there'll be no reportin'. + + "Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!" + The hammer-man did shout; + "If you desire, I knock them down-- + You first must knock _me_ out! + + "No higher offer? Then I'm forced, + Pray pardon the suggestion-- + To take a hint from Parliament, + And 'move the Previous Question.'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE! + +[Illustration: Mysterious!] + +The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been translated +into English. It is called _The Blackbeetle_, and is a purely domestic +drama. The following Scene from the last Act will give some idea of +the exquisite simplicity and pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER +BOSCH's admirers freely assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything +like this. It will be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M. +MAETERLINCK, does not always name his characters, but only mentions +their relation to each other. + + SCENE XXV.--_The Great Grandmother, the Mother-in-law, + the Female First Cousin one remove, and the + Brother-in-law's Aunt are discovered standing on the table, + and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage on a chair._ + +_The Mother-in-law_. Eh? eh? eh? + +_The Female First Cousin one remove_ (_pointing to Half-sister's +Nephew by marriage_). He! he! he! + +_The Great Grandmother_. Ay! ay! ay! + +_The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage_ (_shuddering_). Oh! oh! oh! + +_The Brother-in-law's Aunt_ (_to him_). You! you! you! [_The +Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon +the Blackbeetle. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ENTETEMENT BRITANNIQUE. + +RONDEAU. + + _Mal a la tete_, _ennui_, _migraine_, + We risk in trying to explain + Why, though the Income-tax is high, + This country never can supply + Such galleries as line the Seine. + + Yet gifts are treated with disdain, + Which gives the would-be donors pain,-- + We've now a name to call _that_ by, + "_Mal a la_ TATE." + + Next time an offer's made in vain + MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain, + Or ask, at least, the reason why, + And even dumber folks will cry, + "By Jove! they've made a mull again, + MULL _a la_ TATE!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Brer Rabbit.] + +Everybody who took delight in our old friend _Uncle Remus_ will +thoroughly enjoy _A Plantation Printer_, by JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The +Baron doesn't recommend it to be taken at one sitting, the dialect +being rather difficult, but a chapter at a time will be found +refreshing. The like advice may be acted upon by anyone who has +invested in the latest volume of the Library of Wit and Humour, +entitled _Faces and Places_. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented +by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of these +entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which ought to have +been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially interesting; and the +only disappointing thing in the book is the omission of "An Evening +with Witches," as a companion picture to "A Night at Watts's." + +By the way, in my copy of _A Plantation Printer_, the English printer +has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss CARTER, +a charming young lady, is watching a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees +"a group of shadows, with musical voices, sweep across the Bermuda +fields." + +"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her little hands," +and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her excitement. "I can +put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates +would I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER. + + At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- + The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin.'" + I tipped him as thy welcome form + He carried, with a grateful smile, in. + + Alas! thou art a faithless friend, + Thy warmth was but dissimulation; + Thy tepid glow is at an end, + And I am nowhere near my station! + + I shiver, cold in feet and hands, + It is a legal form of slaughter, + They don't warm(!) trains in other lands + With half a pint of tepid water. + + I spurn thy coldness with a kick, + And pile on rugs as my protectors. + I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, + Thy parsimonious Directors! + + * * * * * + +RICH V. POOR. + +(_A NOTE KINDLY CONTRIBUTED BY OUR OWN GRAPHIC REPORTER._) + +Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing scene of +a trial that was one of the features of the present Sessions. The +Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of hiding his emotion, and +freely used his pocket-handkerchief. Many ladies who had until now +been occupied in using opera-glasses, at this point relinquished +those assistants to the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative +properties of bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship +on the Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's +dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge glanced +for a moment at the number of titled and other highly respectable +witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the accused. Then he +addressed the Prisoner:-- + +"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you with +having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a fortune of +L28,000 to L7,000. This means a wretched pittance to beneficiaries +who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent income. I am +aware that you are a distinguished Magistrate,--that you have belonged +to many Clubs,--that there is not a slur upon the cooking that used to +distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of the sentence I +am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would permit me to give you +a lighter punishment. But I cannot." + +The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal servitude. + +A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for stealing +twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to ten +years' penal servitude, and seven years' police supervision. The case +was of no public interest. + + * * * * * + +THE MODESTY OF GENIUS. + + When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew, + SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's left out you!" + + To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know it; + And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.--"The Police patrolled +the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance." + + * * * * * + +NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, ACCOMPANIED BY +DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS CYMBALS.--"_Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray_!" + + * * * * * + +DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!--Mrs. R. cannot understand our aristocracy +being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. _She_ wouldn't be a +Chairwoman for anything. + + * * * * * + +WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.--"_Haunt 'un_ Street, W." It's an +artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? Possibly.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE MEN.--"The +Lushais." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVIDED DUTY." + +_Right Hon. the Minister for War_. "SURELY, MY LORD CHANCELLOR, YOU +CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE 'REGULARS'--" + +_Lord Chancellor_. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK NOT." (_Aside._) +"WE _MUST_ MAKE _SOME_ USE OF HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +LIVING AND LEARNING. + +MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an advertisement +headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" she exclaimed, "I +never knew till now that Salmon was a flying fish!" + + * * * * * + +"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of an article +in the _D.T._ last Friday, and it turned out to be all about the +Richie and the Poorie. + + * * * * * + +THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.--Some delay at present, but immediately +after signing we shall commence "sealing." + + * * * * * + +THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. + +(_A STORY OF ADVENTURE NOT IN THE LEAST LIKELY TO BE TRUE._) + +"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the Secretary of State +for War of one of his colleagues. + +"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a meeting +in the East End of London, I do," replied the Home-Secretary. "An +excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that old story of the Amateur +Casual, which appeared some twenty or thirty years ago in the columns +of an evening paper." + +"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" suggested the +First Lord of the Admiralty. + +"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. "After all, +there is nothing like personal experience." + +And then all three were silent, lost in profound consideration. +Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, declaring that they +had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet Council. + +It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform of the +Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and requested that he +might be permitted to undertake a spell of "sentry go." He was not +known by the Non-commissioned Officer on duty, but as his papers +appeared to be correct, permission was given him to act as substitute +for Private SMITH, who was next on the roster. + +And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made +his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview +with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to +the precincts of the gaol. + +"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before +him; "what do you want?" + +"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I +shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so +at oakum-picking." + +"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such luxuries +are only allowed to individuals who have been properly introduced to +us by a Judge and Jury." + +"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that an order +from the Home-Secretary would smooth all difficulties." + +"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are only +supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners of extreme +distinction." + +"I have the requisite document," replied the curiously-garbed +stranger, and he was bowed into a well-appointed cell, and furnished +with the tangled rope for which he had petitioned. + +And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated on one of +Her Majesty's Ships of War. + +"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who was rather +short-tempered. + +"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the sea-faring man; +"and, if you will glance at this paper, you will see that I have +special permission from Whitehall to be mast-headed, or to undertake +some other naval manoeuvre of a more modern date." + +Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, the +Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes later the +sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), the quivering +rungs of a rope-ladder. + +A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary soldier, +a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with bruises, met by +chance in the common room of a tavern. For some minutes they were +too exhausted to speak. At length, the convict declared that the +organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons was simply perfect. + +"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist with +truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable condition of the +Queen's Barracks." + +"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring man; "but I +am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the Admiralty could not +possibly be better." + +"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could not be +worse!" + +Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of the merits +of the institutions they had recently visited. + +"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had some +legal training, and it seems to me that you are both gentlemen of +great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine that your education is +greatly in excess of that possessed by men of the same standing in the +professions you appear to have adopted." + +"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his disguise; +"because I happen to be the Secretary of State for War." + +"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from his +sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an official +uniform--"And I am the First Lord of the Admiralty." + +Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, the wearer +of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a part of his +costume, and the whole of his "make-up." + +"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he observed, with a +smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary." + +Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them insisted that +his particular branch of the Government Service was better than the +branches of his colleagues. + +"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and try for +ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and +subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend +of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord +and the Secretary of State raised objections. + +"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you would find +much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, and a plank-bed +and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each great claim to points +of similarity." + +"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the War +Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary." + +"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval matters; "and +thus I think we can conveniently leave further personal investigation +to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and his Private Secretary." And +so, perfectly satisfied with the result of their peregrinations, +the Ministers again bade one another adieu, and, this time, finally +separated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE. + +_Friendly and Sympathetic Footman_. "WELL, THEY TELL ME, SIR, AS +MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE +PERFESSION,--IN FACT, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL '_PRINCIPLY FORCEPS_,' SIR!" + +[_No doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but he +didn't._]] + + * * * * * + +A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.--It is a great source of disappointment to +_Mr. Punch_ that GRANDOLPH should have declined to be an Alderman. +It may be a question as to whether he would have enlarged the sphere +of his influence, but, by accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically +certain that within six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his +weight and increased his circumference. + + * * * * * + +"HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING." + +(_A SKETCH IN A HAIR-DRESSER'S SALOON._) + + SCENE--_A small but well-appointed Saloon, with the usual + fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a + Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than + ordinarily sympathetic manner._ + +[Illustration: "You _'ave_ been losin' your 'air!"] + +_The Loquacious Assistant_. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the +clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of _that_ sort to do, +not bein' required to pufform any duties of a _menial_ nature, Sir. +'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the +river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any +fishin', to mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway +Comp'ny takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir, +don't stay 'ere _all_ day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me out +to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant change, Sir? +Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as lives in Prague +Villas, Sir. I've been to do _her_ 'air many a time. (_He sighs +sentimentally._) I _did_ like waitin' on _'er_, Sir. Sech a beautiful +woman she is, too,--with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is, +and her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but she +give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work 'ard all her +life to support her Ma, and she _did_ think after she was married she +was goin' to enjoy herself--but she _'adn't_! Ah, she _was_ a nice +lady, Sir; she'd got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks +to get it right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air, +and she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very words, +Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Yes, she was +a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the room with 'er, swearin' +orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, Sir. Ain't been for ever sech +a while now, Sir. I _did_ think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd +forgot a comb, Sir, but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't +do twice, _would_ it, Sir? Sixteen her number is--a sweet number, +Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er maid and her +man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! (_Observing that the_ +Sympathetic Customer _is gradually growing red in the face and getting +hysterical._) Towel too tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir. +(_Here two fresh_ Customers _enter._) Ready for you in one moment, +Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, but he'll +be up directly + + [_The two fresh Customers watch one another suspiciously, + after the manner of Britons. The first, who is elderly, + removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled + hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second, + a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely + obliged to do so._ + +_The Grizzled Customer_ (_to the_ Other Customer, _as his natural +self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve_). 'Shtonishing how fast one's +hair does grow. It's not three weeks since I had a close crop. Great +nuisance, eh? + +_The Other Customer_ (_with evident embarrassment_). Er--eh, +yes--quite so, I--I daresay. + + [_He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the + advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the Loquacious + Assistant has bowed out the Sympathetic Customer, and + touched a bell. A Saturnine Assistant appears, still + masticating bread-and-butter. The Second Customer removes + his hat, revealing a denuded crown, and thereby causing + surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the + Grizzled Gentleman, who submits himself to the Loquacious + Assistant. The Bald Customer sinks resignedly into + the chair indicated by the Saturnine Operator, feeling + apologetic and conscious that he is not affording a fair scope + for that gentleman's professional talent. The other Assistant + appears to take a reflected pride in his subject._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to the Grizzled Customer_). Remarkable how some +parties _do_ keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours--(_with a disparaging +glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror_)--yours grows +quite remarkable strong. Do you _use_ anythink for it now? + +_The Gr. C._ Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected! + +_The Loq. Ass._ I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our +Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next +door to here--a chemist, he is--and if you'll believe me, he was +gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when +his 'ed come out all over brustles! + +_The Gr. C._ Brussels, what? _Sprouts_, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a brush. But you +can afford to 'ave _your_ laugh, Sir! + +_The Sat. Ass._ (_to the Bald Customer, with withering deference_). +Much off, Sir? + +_The B.C._ (_weakly thinking to propitiate by making light of his +infirmity_). Well, there isn't much _on_, is there? + +_The S.A._ (_taking a mean advantage_). Well, Sir, it wouldn't be +a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on _your_ 'ed, cert'nly! +(_Severely, as one reproaching him for carelessness_.) You _'ave_ been +losin' your 'air! Puts me in mind of what the poet says in _'Amlet_. +"Oh, what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse _me_, Sir! + +_The B.C._ (_with a sensitive squirm_). Oh, don't apologise--I'm +_used_ to it, you know! + +_The S.A._ Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to the shorn lamb +so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. But what _you_ ought +to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em so as you couldn't tell it from +natural 'air nowadays! + + [_The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious + adornment._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_to his subject_). Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the +Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is +'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo +wash on his 'ed. + +_The Gr. C._ Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any good? + +_The Loq. Ass._ (_demurely_). That I can't tell you, Sir; but it 'as a +very agreeable perfume. + +_The S.A._ I think I've taken off about as much as you can _spare_, +Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ (_with a note of triumph_). Look here, you know, there's +a lot more to come off here--won't be missed, eh? + +_The Loq. Ass._ No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed--of _'air_, I +mean, of course! + +_The S.A._ If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir. + +_The B.C._ (_dejectedly_). Why, think it's any use? + +_The S.A._ No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a +_'orse's_ legs. [_The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this +argument._ + +_The Gr. C._ No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for _me_, mind! + + [_They are shampooed simultaneously._ + +_The B.C._ (_piteously, from his basin_). Th--that's c-cold enough, +thanks! + +_The Gr. C._ (_aggressively from his_). Here, colder than _that_--as +cold as you can make it--_I_ don't care! + +_The B.C._ (_drying his face meekly on a towel_). A--a _hand_-brush, +please, _not_ the machine! + +_The S.A._ No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all the 'air _off_ +your 'ed, Sir! + +_The Gr. C._ Machinery for me--and your hardest brush, do you hear? + + _The Loq. Ass._ { _(together, to_ {Shall I put anything on + _The S.A._ {_their respective_ { your 'ed, Sir? + { _patients_.) {Like anything on your + { 'air, Sir? + +_The S.A._ Well, you may as well keep what little you _'ave_ got, Sir. +Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer +in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny +sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny +one, Sir? (_The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline, +at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him_.) No, Sir? Much +obliged, Sir. Let me see--(_with a touch of sarcasm_)--you part your +'air a one side, I _think_, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir. +Pay at the counter, _if_ you please. Shop--there! + +_The Loq. Ass._ Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to +look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir. + + [_The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and + instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a + defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The + Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows. + The two Assistants are left alone._ + +_The Loq. Ass._ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I +tumbled to him? + +_The S.A._ (_with superiority_). I _heard_ you, o' course, but, as +I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it _delicate_ enough! When +you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much +of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is +to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard _me_ stoop to flattery nor yet +over-familiarity--and yet you can see for yourself I manage without +'urting nobody's feelings--however bald! That's _tact_, that is! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._) + +[Illustration] + + None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter; + Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maiter_ + _D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater," + As Britons, sure, may. + + As for _decor_, let the linen be stainless-- + Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless. + _Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less + Oft from a _gourmet_. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History +of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I +particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all +about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists." + + * * * * * + +SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't want it known that there's +anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. +ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub +Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him + enter Mr. JOHN BULL._ + +_Mr. Punch_. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you? + +_Mr. Bull_. I want to know your opinion, _Mr. Punch_ on the report of +Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting? + +_Mr. P._ Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two--one by +the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary +of State for War. + +_Mr. B._ Can't they be lumped together, _Mr. Punch_? + +_Mr. P._ Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither +satisfactory, although they contradict one another. + +_Mr. B._ So I think, _Mr. Punch_. What is to be done? + +_Mr. P._ I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary +question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL? + +_Mr. B._ Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection. +If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it +myself. + +_Mr. P._ Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run. + +_Mr. B._ To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about +the details of security from fire. + +_Mr. P._ Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army? + +_Mr. B._ But I do, and a precious round sum too! + +_Mr. P._ However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any +and everything can be bought by money. + +_Mr. B._ Pardon me, _Mr. Punch_, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can +get soldiers at half the price that-- + +_Mr. P._ (_interrupting_). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as +dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners +look after the fire themselves--they become soldiers, instead of +securing substitutes. + +_Mr. B._ What do you mean? + +_Mr. P._ That you must either pay the market price, or go in for +conscription. Your money--or your life! + +_Mr. B._ Well, I really think I must consider it--I do, indeed! + +_Mr. P._ And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if you do not +believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a second reading. + + [_Scene closes in upon Mr. JOHN BULL giving the document + reconsideration._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_To our M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in +the House._ (_Day before the Meeting of Parliament_.) + +"_WELL_, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS _YOU_ UP TO TOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOGIE MAN. + +(NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.) + +_Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce_:-- + + Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones! + Hushed is our civic glee. + The Voters, they have played the fool + About the L.C.C. + Oh, Turtle, dear--at table-- + Oh, Griffin, spick and span, + I hear the Civic Fathers say + Here comes the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus._ + + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + _What_ hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT + Is made an Alderman? + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops, + From this new Bogie Man! + + When we sit down to dinner, + My giant chum and I, + O'er calipash and calipee + We're both inclined to cry. + For if Progressist fingers + Once dip into our pan, + Aloud, but vainly, we may cry, + Whist! whist! the Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Then hide your heads, my darlings; + He'll catch ye if he can. + Then whist! whist! whist! + This new Progressive plan + Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops + Slaves to this Bogie Man! + + In vain the _Times_ might thunder, + In vain the _Standard_ squall, + To frighten little Moderates; + They paid no heed at all + When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing, + Away the Voters ran + And voted straight, with hearts elate, + For yonder Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + He'll collar all our civic perks, + 'Tis his "Progressive" plan. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + He'll catch ye if he can. + Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops, + From yonder Bogie Man! + + Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock + To think of your sad fate, + If you _should_ lose your Guildhall rock, + And _we_ be doomed by fate. + For BURNS our pride would humble, + No "giants" in his plan! + Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat, + Beware, yon Bogie Man! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, whist! whist! whist! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog. + Are no parts of _his_ plan. + Oh, hush! hush! hush! + He'll catch ye if he can! + Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops, + _He_'ll give--yon Bogey Man! + + Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor, + And LUBBOCK seemed to cool, + MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON + May proudly play the fool. + London's delivered to be ruled + On the "Progressive" plan, + And "BEN" can bear the honoured name-- + Ye gods!--of ALDERMAN!!! + + _Chorus_.--Oh, hush! hush! hush! + Here comes the Bogie Man! + Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide! + You're under his black ban. + Oh, whist! whist! whist! + "We'll save ye, _if we can_, + My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops, + From yon bad Bogie Man! + + * * * * * + +TO QUEEN COAL. + +(_BY HER FOND BUT POOR LOVER._) + + "If thou art not dear to _me_, + What care I how dear you be!" + + * * * * * + +BUTTER AND BOSH. + + ["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to + buy it under that name, but insist on its being called + 'Butter.'"--_Daily Paper_.] + + Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste + On men who consciously deceive their taste; + Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen, + And call that Butter which is Margarine. + "Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter, + "Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter. + Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye. + _Decipiatur qui vult decipi_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BOGIE MAN. + + "HUSH! HUSH! HUSH! + HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN! + + "THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY DARLINGS; + HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!" +] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME." + + [To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats stationed + in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and Atherfield, + respectively, _Mr. Punch_ has had pleasure and pride in + presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture and Poem + entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which appeared in + his issue of February 13. The names of the coxswains and crews + of these three boats, the _Worcester Cadet_, the _William + Slaney Lewis_, and the _Catherine Swift_, are inscribed + thereon (as they should be in the memories of all true + Britons), as follows:--Of the _Worcester Cadet_, JAMES COTTON + (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT SALTER, + WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, GEORGE NEW, + GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, EDGAR WHITE, + WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK. + + Of the _William Slaney Lewis_, JOHN HAYTER (Coxswain), BEN + JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. JACOBS, J. COOKE, + G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J. + HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and + W. HOOKEY. + + Of the _Catherine Swift_, WILLIAM COTTON (Coxswain), DAVID + COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, THOMAS COTTON, FRANK + COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER + WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. WHILLIER. + + These names thus receive--as they deserve--honourable record + "For distinguished bravery and gallant conduct whilst on duty + on the occasion of the wreck of the s.s. _Eider_, January 31, + 1892."] + + On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it bears + Many entries less worthy of record than theirs, + The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go down, + With applause from their Sovereign to swell their renown, + To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too, + They should sound on those ears; for, run over each crew + And you'll find that those names have a true homely smack + Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is Jack, + There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, CHARLIE, FRANK; + Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in rank + They go down to their work, ringing right cheery hail + Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make _them_ pale, + Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, cousins, and sons, + For see how the "family name" through them runs + Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch! + Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need not flinch. + Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after all, + As NAPOLEON or CAESAR; and when the Great Call + Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain "BILL," + Whose business was rather to save than to kill, + May step before mad ALEXANDER. + Well, brothers, + (You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and others, + Whose names he need hardly string into his rhymes,) + _Punch_ hopes you may look on this Record sometimes + With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well knows, + Will not--"butter your parsnips"--(to put sense in prose): + But you have his hearty good will, and you know it,-- + Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it! + And when or wherever _another_ should come, + Be sure your friend _Punch_ won't be careless or dumb! + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST. + +(_CONTINUED._) + +I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my partners +don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing short of an +absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, could tempt me +to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I am subjected. Your +thoroughgoing Whist-player as such--admirable in private life as I +personally know him to be--the moment he begins the daily business +of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another +time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe; now +and here nothing seems to interest him but his own immediate welfare, +which he pursues with concentrated energy and earnestness. I verily +believe that if, at one of two adjoining tables, the chandelier fell +on the players' heads to their exceeding detriment, the occupants +of the other table would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their +rubber for one moment. _Fiant chartae ruat coelum_--let the cards be +made whatever chandeliers fall. + +[Illustration: "When I come to think the matter over in cold blood."] + +The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired +Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread. +He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good +as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to +personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me; +and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such +case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four +times in succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of +sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they +contain plenty of good cards--can manage to scrape along in a way I +think fairly satisfactory even--to him, though he never encourages +me by saying so. But an awful thing happened the other night. I had +played one rubber with him and won it, though it was only a rubber +of two instead of a bumper, as it would have been if I had played +properly--for being in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a +trump, but it subsequently turned out that _the adversaries had called +for them_. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely those +of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by a ten and a +two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous results. + +However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity, +merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only +time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." I +smiled inanely--what else could I do? for I was dimly conscious that +the stricture might have justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but +worse remains behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner +had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he +extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us, +mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time +I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump +was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him +a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would +have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the +adversaries had entire control. So this gentleman got in and made +about six tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore +made with his spades all--indeed, I rather think more tricks than +the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, now +losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing anger and +turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime was borne in upon +him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; the adversaries' score had +stood at one, while we were at two, and besides, we had had two by +honours; as they made four by cards, they went out--and so did I--not +without an _obbligato_ accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered +whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, of all +the born fools!" and similar objurgations. + +When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could see +that my proper course would have been to lead the losing card before +drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake (a fatal one I +grant) in the order of playing them. That was all. + + * * * * * + +My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American leads," "the +fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a knave; lead him at +once, _I_ think, on _Dogberry's_ principle: and "thank heaven you are +rid of a knave." + +The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my +Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up +a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other +people if I did play much. Half-crown points, a partner who knows how +to score (those counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little +bone grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable +conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make the +kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common Room in the +happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never quite understood. +The rigour of the game is the ruin of Whist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS. + +There has not been time yet to arrange the Figures.] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + + "_Sich a Nice Man Too!_" is one of the latest, and greatest, + successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, + who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves that he, the Muse + of the Market Cart, and Bard of the Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the + Old Kent Road,"--and elsewhere--with well-deserved success. + As is ever the case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal + applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of + which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his + chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where + they sing--and shout--the following might be rendered with + relish:-- + +NO. VII.--SICH A SMART MAN TOO! + +(_COSTER-JIM ON CORKUS-JOE._) + + There's party-men yer meets about + What wins yer 'eart instanter; + Of _their_ success there's ne'er a doubt, + They romps in in a canter. + There's one as means to lick the lot, + Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger. + For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot; + Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!" + +[Illustration] + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No Tory pride, no toffish affectation! + Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ave to deal + With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation! + + 'E made 'is pile in a snide way,-- + "Down on ther nail," 'is motter-- + Went to the front, and came to _stay_; + Whigs might pertest and potter. + 'Is game wos doin' the poor good, + And doin' of it 'andsome. + JACK CADE they called 'im,--which wos rude-- + 'Acos 'e talked o' ransom! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No "Lily" pride, no blue--blood affectation! + Yet he somehow made yer feel + That in 'im yer 'ad to deal + With a gent by nature _and_ by edgercation! + + You ought to seen 'im on the stump, + Smart frock and stiff shirt collar; + Got up regardless, clean-cut chump, + Orchid for button-'oler! + 'E cocked a snook at pride o' race. + We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY! + Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place; + Then won't old WEG look rummy?" + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No _Rip wan Winkle_ HARTY affectation! + Yet 'e somehow made yer feel + That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal + With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation. + + Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile, + Like sunshine in November. + Sez 'e, "_I_'m for the Sons o' Tile!" + O yus, don't we remember! + We fancied JOE wos one of hus, + A cove we might ha' trusted. + Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss + At the Brum bubble--busted! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a smart man too! Sich a _very_ smart man! + No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation! + One as somehow made yer feel + 'E alone knowed 'ow to deal + With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation! + + 'E chose to play at hodd man hout; + 'E ain't the fust by many + Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout + With a two-'eaded penny. + It's broke our trust; _'e_ can go 'ome + With Toffdom for next neighbour. + _'E_ won't cut Capital's cockscomb + In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour! + +_Chorus._ + + Sich a snide man too! Sich a _very_ snide man! + And now,--but that's 'is hartful affectation! + 'E would like to make hus feel + As he only "plays genteel," + To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 7._--JOKIM in a bad way to-night. +People are wanting to know how it has come about that TATE's offer of +L80,000 for Picture Gallery, with L80,000 worth of pictures thrown +in to start it, has, after long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF +EXCHEQUER, been withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain. + +"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in confidence, +"is to give him one for his _tete_, as we say in cribbage. But +suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best in that direction though +undercurrent of observation in lengthy paper he read decidedly set +in direction of making TATE out as a cantankerous wrong-headed person +who, proposing to bestow some L160,000 in way of free gift, expected +to have his wishes consulted in such matter of detail as selection of +site for Gallery. + +"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the door is not +finally closed on the establishment of a gallery for British Art." + +[Illustration: Young Father Dillwyn.] + +"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear, +listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other +eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain +of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been +opened." + +"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying +anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a +sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his arm was tattooed +the legend, '_Pas de chance_.' He told long story of honest endeavour, +combined with strict honesty and tireless industry, ever frustrated by +malign accident. In short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was +sent back upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in +enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the legend +on his forearm. _Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance._ Ever since I +joined this Government things have gone wrong with me, whether in +Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of the House, with L1 +notes, and now in this affair, where I run my head against TATE (sort +of _tete-a-tete_), and, though I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will +have it that I've muddled things and lost the nation a munificent +gift. _Pas de chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!_" + +[Illustration: Craig (not Ailsa).] + +HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it is very +bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no better than they +were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs more, and could do less +than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely +made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the +SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which, +on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in +the main, care so little that they busy themselves writing letters, +chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably +succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in +solemn voice, utters his lamentation. + +"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall figure below +Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust LOCHIEL, and told him +his prospects in the next war were at least doubtful,-- + + 'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day + When the Lowlands shall meet thee in battle-array.'" + +LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; makes +speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but interested +Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great Britain an Army +so large or so fully equipped. When midnight struck, the few Members +present shook themselves, yawned, and went home. _Business done._--In +Committee on Army Estimates. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke.] + +_Tuesday._--Never saw in the flesh procession of Russian Convicts +starting on their journey to Siberia. Have read about it, though; have +even seen pictures thereof. The most saddening and soul-depressing +of these came back to mind just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and +BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly filed forth at command of Chairman of +Committees, amid cheers of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been +a little more ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been +connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. Members on +Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring forth, could not +have resisted natural impulse to feel in their waistcoat pocket for a +kopec or two to bestow upon the unfortunates. + +It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of the blow, +that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these three Members had +supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. in matter of preliminary +expenses of railway through their territory. Someone had discovered +they were pecuniarily interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT +MACNEILL raised the question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved +Resolution that vote of three Members be disallowed. + +Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. Rather in +sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, as all Irish +Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice and sanctity of +constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in BURDETT-COUTTS's +waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in comprehensive smile of +amity. + +Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, almost +jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not have done it if +he'd thought anyone would have made a row about it--"as the little +boy said when he was being spanked for putting his fingers in the +jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, _sotto voce_. BURDETT-COUTTS almost +haughty in his defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN +SWIFT, Dean of St. Patrick's. + +PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it +particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were an +Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only last +Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under discussion, +he had delivered an Address which disclosed intimate acquaintance with +topographical bearings of rarely trodden wilds in Central Africa. +Had shown how an Agent of East Africa Company, setting forth from +So-and-so, had, after perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night +of broken rest, his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine +lions, he had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered +for hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless +plains of Etcetera. + +House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from So-on to +So-forth. + +"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not unfamiliar +with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little monotonously +named." + +"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I can't +pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them So-on." + +House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself at one +bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only last Friday; +to-day called upon to defend himself from charge of breaking written +law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to come. When PELLY's pensive +voice died away, COURTNEY rose from Chair and sternly said, "In +accordance with practice of the House, the three Hon. Members will +now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON +first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering +what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing +up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of +jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth. +_Business done._--None. + +[Illustration: The Salvationist Solicitor-General.] + +_Thursday._--"The Leadership isn't all beer and skittles, is it?" +I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to put the best face on a +melancholy business. + +"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at all." + +Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call "the general +idea" of the Sitting to-night, was--questions beginning at half-past +three; over probably at four; House in Committee; take up Army +Estimates; peg away at them till midnight; then "Who goes home?" +Time-table of what actually took place slightly, but firmly different. +House met at three; prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY +FOWLER's motion to permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet +Sabbaths at Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six, +the SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then questions, +seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of public interest, the +rest of character that might be raised on dull days in Vestry-hall. + +At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think +they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which," +as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to +move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and +shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support +application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with +hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject +reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to +their feet. Twice the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given, +and SWIFT MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing +happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing +for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so near +dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so they bundle +forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they had secured his +opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they didn't want to hear about +the sufferings of their fellow-creatures." + +At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, with +intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of Supply +after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to twelve. Business +reached at last, but since Debate closes at midnight, no time to do +anything. Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin +chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation +that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted +suggestion of objectors to scheme. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday_.--MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion +about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, +supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS +on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other +side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the +Exiles; JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House, +Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he announced +the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it was an +earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered by second +defeat of Government in the week. _Business done._--Looks as if the +Government's was--very nearly. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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