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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 14th, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14074]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 14th, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+No. VI.--TO VANITY.
+
+
+DEAR VANITY,
+
+I think I can see you smirking and posturing before the abstract mirror,
+which is your constant companion. It pleases you, no doubt, to think that
+anybody should pay you the compliment of making you the object and the
+subject of a whole letter. Perhaps when you have read it to the end you
+will alter your mood, since it cannot please you to listen to the truth
+about yourself. None of those whom you infect here below ever did like it.
+Sometimes, to be sure, it had to be endured with many grimaces, but it was
+extraordinary to note how the clouds caused by the aggravated truth-teller
+passed away as soon as his departure had enabled the object of these
+reproaches to recover his or her false self again. What boots it, after
+all, to tell the truth? For those whom you protect are clad in armour,
+which is proof against the sharpest lance, and they can thus bid defiance
+to all the clumsy attacks of the merely honest and downright--for a time;
+but in the end their punishment comes, not always in the manner that their
+friends predict, but none the less inevitable in one manner or another. For
+they all fashion a ridiculous monster out of affectations, strivings and
+falsehoods, and label it "Myself;" and in the end the monster takes breath,
+and lives and crushes his despised maker, and immediately vanishes into
+space.
+
+Permit me to proceed in my usual way, and to offer you an example or two.
+And I begin with HERMIONE MAYBLOOM. HERMIONE was one of a large family of
+delightful daughters. Their father was the well-known Dr. MAYBLOOM, who was
+Dean of Archester Cathedral. His massive and convincing volumes on _The
+Fauna and Flora of the Mosaic Books in their Relation to Modern Botanical
+Investigation_, must be within your recollection. It was followed, you
+remember, by _The Dean's Duty_, which, being published at a time when there
+was, so to speak, a boom in religious novels, was ordered by many readers
+under the impression that it was likely to upset their mature religious
+convictions by its assaults on orthodoxy. Their disappointment when two
+stout tomes, dealing historically with the _status_ and duties of Deans,
+were delivered to them, was the theme of cheerful comment amongst the
+light-hearted members of the Dean's own family.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Was there ever in this world so delightful a family circle as that of the
+Deanery? The daughters were all pretty, but that was their smallest merit.
+They were all clever, and well-read, without a tinge of the bluestocking,
+and most of them were musical to the tips of their slender fingers. How
+merrily their laughter used to ring across the ancient close, and how
+playfully and gently they used to rally the dear learned old Dean who had
+watched over them and cared for them since Mrs. MAYBLOOM'S death, many
+years before, with all the tender care of the most devoted mother. And of
+this fair and smiling throng, "my only rosary," as the Dean used to call
+them, HERMIONE was, I think, the prettiest, as she was certainly the most
+accomplished. Every kind of gift had been showered upon her by Nature. When
+she played her violin, accompanied by her elder sister on the piano, tears
+trickled unbidden down the aquiline nose of the militant Bishop of
+Archester, the chapter stood hushed to a man, and the surrounding curates
+were only prevented by a salutary fear of ruining their chances of
+preferment from laying themselves, their pittances, and their garnered
+store of slippers at her pretty feet. Then in a fit of charming petulance,
+she would break off in the middle of the piece, lay down her violin, and,
+with a pretty imperiousness, command a younger sister to fetch her zither,
+on which to complete the subjugation of her adorers. And then her
+caricatures--summer-lightning flashes of pencilled wit, as I heard the
+Reverend SIMEON COPE describe them in a moment of enthusiasm after she had
+shown us her sketch of his rival, the Reverend STEPHEN HANKINSON.
+
+But even in those days, while she still had about her all the fascinations
+of peerless beauty and fresh and glowing youth, I mistrusted her. Alone of
+all the sisters she seemed to me to be wanting in heart. I heard her
+several times attempt to snub her father, and once I noted how she spent a
+whole evening in moody silence, and refused to play a note, for no other
+reason that I could see except that Captain ARBLAST, of the 30th Lancers,
+the dashing first-born of the Bishop, who happened to be spending a few
+days of his long leave in Archester, devoted himself with all the assiduity
+of his military nature to twirling his heavy moustache in the immediate
+neighbourhood of SOPHY MAYBLOOM, and not in that of HERMIONE. Indeed, I
+have reason to know that, after the guests had departed, poor SOPHY had to
+endure from her sister a dreadful scene, the harsh details of which have
+not yet faded from her memory. And then I remembered, too, how it was a
+matter of family chaff against HERMIONE that once, not very long after she
+had entered upon her teens, she had sobbed convulsively through a whole
+night, because she had discovered that her juvenile arms were thin and
+mottled, and she imagined that she would never be able to wear a low dress,
+or shine in Society.
+
+Such, then, was the beautiful HERMIONE, who for some years rode rough-shod
+over the hearts of all the males in Archester. Space fails me to enumerate
+all her engagements. She broke them one after another without a thought,
+and cast her admirers away as if they had been dresses of last year's
+fashion. Most of them, it must be said, recovered quickly enough, but the
+miserable COPE became a hopeless hypochondriac, and never smiled again. He
+died the other day, and HERMIONE's sketch of HANKINSON was found, frayed
+and soiled, in an ancient pocket-book which he always carried about with
+him. HANKINSON'S fate seemed at first to be worse. He took to poetry,
+morbid, passionate, yearning, unhealthy poetry, of the skimmed SWINBURNE
+variety, and for a time was gloomy enough. Having, however, engaged in a
+paper conflict with one of his critics, he forgot his sorrows, and though
+he still declares an overwhelming desire for death and oblivion about six
+times a year, in various magazines, he seemed, when I last saw him, fairly
+comfortable and happy. But, of course, he has never secured a vicarage.
+
+To return to HERMIONE. She at last married a certain Mr. PARDOE, a
+barrister practising on the Archester Circuit, and established herself in
+town. Shortly afterwards she became the rage. Her beauty, her wit, her
+music, her dinners, her diamonds, were spoken of with enthusiasm. All the
+elderly _roués_, whose leathery hearts had been offered up at hundreds of
+shrines, became her temporary slaves. She coaxed them, cajoled them, and
+fooled them, did this innocent daughter of a simple-minded Dean, to the top
+of their various bents. She schemed successfully against countless rivals,
+in order to maintain her pre-eminence in the admiration of her circle. Her
+ambition knew no bounds. She changed her so-called friends every week; she
+cultivated grand passions for actors, authors, musicians, and even for
+professors. Sometimes she played to select audiences with all her old
+ravishing skill, but this happened more and more rarely, until at last she
+utterly declined, and even went so far as to flout H.S.H. the Duke of
+KALBSKOPF, who had been specially invited to meet her.
+
+Then suddenly came the crash. She left her husband, in company with CHARLIE
+FITZHUBERT, the heir presumptive to the wealthy earldom of Battersea. On
+the following day Mr. PARDOE blew out his brains, leaving ten thousand
+pounds of debt and three young children. Six months afterwards the
+venerable Dean died, and sentimental people spoke of a broken heart. Then
+the Earl of BATTERSEA, in a fit of indignation, married, and was blessed
+with a son, the present Earl. CHARLIE FITZHUBERT married HERMIONE, but they
+are as poor as curates, and he hates her. I saw her two days ago in a
+shabby hired carriage. She is getting prematurely old, and grey, and
+wrinkled, and everybody avoids her, except her sister SOPHY, who still
+visits her, and suffers her ill-humour.
+
+Charming story, isn't it? I shall write again soon.
+
+Yours, in the meantime,
+DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHT-MAILING.--"Night Mail between London and Paris" has been recently
+announced in all the papers as now ready and willing to take night-mailers
+from Victoria, L.C. & D., to the French Capital. It is to be a Third-class
+Night Mail, though a Knight of the First Class can, of course, travel by it
+should he be so disposed. Thirty shillings through fare for "a single;" but
+as the tariff doesn't explicitly inform us whether the passenger will be
+asked the question, "Married or single?" and so be charged accordingly, we
+may presume that a margin is left for a little surprise. The train of Night
+Mails--a kind of gay bachelor train, no females being of the party--is to
+start at 8:15 P.M., and to be in Paris at 5:50 A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAWING THE BADGER.
+
+(_A Natural History Note_.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Badger (_Meles-Taxus_) is at once one of the most inoffensive and (in
+one sense) offensive of our few remaining British Carnivora. He is
+described by NAPIER of Merchiston, in his _Book of Nature and of Man_, as a
+"quiet nocturnal beast, but if much 'badgered' becoming obstinate, and
+fighting to the last, in which it is a type of a large class of Britons,
+who like to be let alone, but when ill used can fight."
+
+That great new authority on Natural History, Mr. G.A. HENTY (author of
+_Those Other Animals_), should be able to tell us much about the Badger.
+Therewith he would be able, in his own favourite fashion, to "point a
+moral" (against the Demogorgon Democracy), and "adorn a tale" (of laboured
+waggery). He might find the subject as suggestive of sardonic chaff as
+American women and Republican institutions.
+
+What says the popular WOOD? He describes the Badger as "slow and clumsy in
+its actions," and as "rolling along so awkwardly that it may easily be
+mistaken for a young pig in the dusk of the evening." Woe, however, to
+whomsoever _does_ take the creature for "a young pig." "Being naturally as
+harmless an animal as can be imagined, it is a terrible antagonist when
+provoked to use the means of defence with which it is so well provided."
+
+  We tax the patience of poor _Meles-Taxus_,
+  Until he turns with tooth and claws and whacks us.
+  The natural home of _Taxus_--the Exchequer--
+  Harbours a creature that keeps up its pecker.
+
+"For the purpose of so-called 'sport,' the Badger used to be captured and
+put into a cage ready to be tormented; at the cruel will of every ruffian
+who might chose to risk his dog against the sharp teeth of the captive
+animal."
+
+This particular sort of "sport" is a little out of date. But "drawing a
+Badger" is not unknown even in these humanitarian days. Dogs will sometimes
+voluntarily rush in to risk their hides and muzzles against the aforesaid
+sharp teeth, &c. Look at those in the picture!
+
+The two small, if aggressive, terriers seem unequally matched against the
+"clumsy" but strong-jawed and terribly-toothed Badger. They have drawn him,
+indeed, out of his hole, and one of them, at least, seems rather sorry for
+it, if you may judge by the way in which he turns tail and makes for his
+protector, the big Bull-Terrier. The ventripotent broken-haired tyke looks
+more valorous--for the moment. Yap! yap! yap! _Meles-Taxus_ takes little
+notice of him, however. His eyes are on that sturdy specimen of _Canis
+familiaris_ there, whose bold eyes in turn are on _him_. Both, perhaps,
+experience--
+
+  That stern joy which warriors feel
+  In foemen worthy of their steel."
+
+"Drawn by those two tiny yelpers? Not a bit of it! But _you_, my complacent
+canine Colossus--come on if you dare!" And he _does_ dare, evidently.
+Whether he'll regret his daring remains to be seen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Memory of Milton.
+
+  MILTON forgotten? Nay, my BESANT, nay;
+  Not wholly, even in this petty day,
+  When learning snips, when criticism snaps,
+  And the great bulk of readers feed on scraps.
+  Still, still he finds his "audience fit, though few,"
+  The rest _forget_ not since they never knew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book.
+
+Have you caught a fish?
+
+No, but I have bagged a cannon-ball.
+
+Is the sea too rough for your boat?
+
+No, the sea is not too rough, but the Torpedoes are decidedly embarrassing.
+
+Is that a pretty shell that you are going to carry home to your children?
+
+No, it is a live one, that, if it bursts a yard nearer, will blow us into
+smithereens.
+
+Do you propose returning to your lodging to-night?
+
+That is a matter that will be decided by the Commander of the nearest
+practising gun-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH GREEK.
+
+_First Classic_. "BY THE WAY, HADN'T DANTE GOT ANOTHER NAME?"
+
+_Second Classic_. "YES; ALFIERI, I THINK--OR ELSE ALIGHIERI."
+
+_First Classic_. "AH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD A NOTION IT WAS GABRIEL
+ROSSETTI, OR SOMETHING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTTING REMARKS.
+
+[Illustration: Tied to Time.]
+
+Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES has taken a theatre wherein to play his own plays to
+his own taste. On the first night of _The Crusaders_ this taste was not
+exactly the taste of the audience. Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES seemed to object
+to be tied to time, and the result was the prompt appearance of that
+terrible conqueror of things terrestrial, General Boredom. Since the
+initial performance, it is reported that matters have gone on more
+smoothly. According to the "usual sources of information" the dramatist has
+been cheered on leaving his theatre, and heartily congratulated. On one
+occasion he actually supplemented his piece with a speech! Apparently he
+was under the impression that there could not be too much of a good
+thing--JONES for choice! It may be that since the first performance, there
+has been some curtailment made in the play. To judge from appearances it
+was a question of cutting--either the author the play, or the public the
+theatre!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE A NEW SPEC.--We have just received a prospectus of a Company entitled
+"_The Monarch Insurance Society_." Of course, all the Crowned Heads of
+Europe will be in it. We haven't yet read it, the title being sufficient
+for the present. _Ça donne à penser_. Will it provide New Monarchs for old
+ones? Will it give good sovereigns in exchange for bad ones? If so--where
+will the profit come in?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRENCH AS SHE IS "WRIT."
+
+The _Standard's_ own Vienna Correspondent, when reporting the unpleasant
+incident in the life of the Duc d'ORLÉANS, told us how the Prince, on
+unwittingly "accepting service," said to the astute lawyer's clerk, "Mais,
+Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment." To which the clerk replied, "also in
+French," says the _Standard_, "One time is as good as another." But why was
+not the lawyer's clerk's French as she is spoke given as well as that of M.
+le Duc? And how much more telling it would have been had M. le Duc been
+served well and faithfully by a clerk like _Perker's Mr. Lowten_, fresh,
+very fresh, from a carouse at the "Magpie and Stump," or even by one of
+_Messrs. Dodson and Fog's_ young men who enjoyed themselves so much when "a
+twigging" of the virtuous _Mr. Pickwick_.
+
+"Mais, Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment," says the Duke, to which our _Mr.
+Lowten_ would have replied in Magpie-and-Stumping French, "Eggskewsy moy,
+Mossoo, le Dook, ung Tom is aussy bong qu'ung autre. Mossoo ler Dook ar
+maintenong pérusé ler documong; voici le copy et voilà two. Bonsoir, il
+faut que je l'accroche."
+
+Whereupon he would have "hooked it," as it appears this particular lawyer's
+clerk did, and was not seen again. No doubt he joined a circle of admiring
+friends in the legal neighbourhood (some Magpies-and-Stumps still exist),
+where, over a glass and a cigar, he recounted the merry tale of how he had
+served a Duke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The relation of Hypnotiser to the Hypnotised at the Aquarium may be simply
+described as "GERMANE to the subject.'
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG AND CHORUS FOR THE COUNTY COUNCIL ON NEXT DEBATE ON THE WATER
+SUPPLY--"Young BENN he was a nice young man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS
+
+No. XIV.
+
+SCENE--_Gardens belonging to the Hôtel du Parc, Lugano. Time, afternoon;
+the orchestra is tuning up in a kiosk._ CULCHARD _is seated on a bench in
+the shade, keeping an anxious eye upon the opposite door._
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). She said she had a headache, and made her father
+and VAN BOODELER go out on the lake without her. But she certainly gave me
+to understand that she might come out when the band played, if she felt
+better. The question is, whether she _means_ to feel better or not. She is
+the most tantalising girl! _I_ don't know what to make of her. Not a single
+reference, as yet, to that last talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I
+can't recall it to her memory--if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance
+of it--we are not likely to be dis--. Confound it all--PODBURY! (_with
+suppressed irritation as_ PODBURY _comes up_). Well, do you _want_ anything
+in particular?
+
+_Podb._ (_cheerfully, as he sits down_). Only the pleasure of your society,
+old chap. How nicely you do put things!
+
+_Culch._ The--er--fact is, I can't promise to be a particularly lively
+companion just now.
+
+_Podb._ Not by way of a change? Ah, well, it's a pity--but I must put up
+with you as you are, I suppose. You see--(_with a grin_)--I've got that vow
+to work out.
+
+_Culch._ Possibly--but _I_ haven't. As I've already told you--I retire.
+
+_Podb._ Wobbled back to Miss TROTTER again, eh? Matter of taste, of course,
+but, for my part, I think your _first_ impression of her was nearer the
+truth--she's not what I call a highly cultivated sort of girl, y' know.
+
+_Culch._ You are naturally exacting on that point, but have the goodness to
+leave my first impressions alone, and--er--frankly, PODBURY, I see no
+necessity (_now_, at all events) to take that ridiculous--hum--penance
+_too_ literally. We are _travelling_ together, and I imagine that is enough
+for Miss PRENDERGAST.
+
+_Podb._ It's enough for _me_--especially when you make yourself so doosid
+amiable as this. You needn't alarm yourself--you won't have any more of my
+company than I can help; only I _must_ say, for two fellows who came out to
+do a tour _together_, it's-- [_Walks away, grumbling._
+
+_Later. The band has finished playing;_ Miss TROTTER _is on the bench with_
+CULCHARD.
+
+_Miss T._ And you mean to tell me you've never met anybody since you even
+cared to converse with?
+
+_Culch._ (_diplomatically_). Does that strike you as so very incredible?
+
+_Miss T._ Well, it strikes me as just a _little_ too thin. I judged you'd
+go away, and forget I ever existed.
+
+[Illustration: "Ah, how little you know me!"]
+
+_Culch._ (_with tender reproach_). How little you know me! I may not be
+an--er--demonstrative man, my--er--feelings are not easily roused, but,
+once roused, well--(_wounded_)--I think I may claim to possess an ordinary
+degree of constancy!
+
+_Miss T._ Well, I'm sure I _ought_ to feel it a vurry high compliment to
+have you going round grieving all this time on _my_ account.
+
+_Culch._ Grieving! Ah, if I could only _tell_ you what I went through!
+(_Decides, on reflection, that the less he says about this the better._)
+But all that is past. And now may I not expect a more definite answer to
+the question I asked at Bingen? Your reply then was--well, a little
+ambiguous.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's got to be just about as ambiguous now--there don't
+seem anything I _can_ say. There's times when I feel as if it might be sort
+of elevating and improving to have you shining around; and there's other
+times when I suspect that, if it went on for any considerable period,
+likely I'd weaken. I'm not just sure. And I can't ever make myself believe
+but what you're disapproving of me, inside of you, most all the time!
+
+_Culch._ Pray dismiss such--er--morbid misgivings, dear Miss TROTTER. Show
+that you do so by accepting me as your guide and companion through life!
+
+_Miss T._ My! but that sounds like a proposal?
+
+_Culch._ I intended it to bear that--er--construction. It _is_ a
+proposal--made after the fullest reflection.
+
+_Miss T._ I'm ever so obliged. But we don't fix things quite that way in my
+country. We want to feel pretty sure, first, we shann't get left. And it
+don't seem to me as if I'd had opportunities enough of studying your
+leading characteristics. I'll have to study them some more before I know
+whereabouts I am; and I want you to understand that I'm not going to commit
+myself to anything at present. That mayn't be sentiment, but I guess it's
+common-sense, anyway. And all _you_'ve got to do is, just to keep around,
+and kind of impress me with a conviction that you're the vurry brightest
+and best man in the entire universe, and I don't believe you'll find much
+difficulty about _that_. And now I guess we'll go into _table d'hôte_--I'm
+just as _ravenous_!
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows her_). Really, this is not much better
+than RUSKIN, after all. But I don't despair. That last remark was
+distinctly encouraging!
+
+SCENE--_A large Salle à Manger, decorated in the Pompeian style. Table
+d'hôte has begun._ CULCHARD _is seated between_ Miss TROTTER _and a large
+and conversational stranger. Opposite are three empty chairs._
+
+_Culchard's Neighbour_. Then you're going on to Venice? Well, you take _my_
+advice. When you get there, you ask for tunny. Don't forget--_tunny_!
+
+_Culch._ (_who wants to talk to_ Miss T.) Tunny? Thank you. I--er--will
+certainly remember his name, if I require a guide.
+
+_His N._ A guide? No, no--tunny's a _fish_, Sir, a coarse red fish, with
+flesh like a raw beefsteak.
+
+_Culch._ Is that so? Then I will make a point of asking for it--if I want
+raw beefsteak. [_Attempts to turn to_ Miss T.
+
+_His N._ That's what _I_ did when I was at Venice. I sent for the Manager.
+He came. I said to him. "Look here, I'm an Englishman. My name's BELLERBY.
+(CULCHARD _bows in patient boredom._) I've heard of your Venetian tunny. I
+wish to taste it. _Bring_ me some!"
+
+_Culch._ (_crushingly_). A most excellent method of obtaining it, no doubt.
+(_To_ Waiter.) _Numéro vingt-sept, demi bouteille de Chianti, et siphon!_
+
+_His N._ You don't wait till I've _done_, Sir! I _didn't_ obtain it--not at
+first. The man made excuses. I was prepared for _that_. I told him plainly,
+"I know what _you_'re thinking--it's a cheap fish, and you fancy I'm
+ordering it out of economy!"
+
+_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_). Of course, he
+naturally _would_ think so. And _that_ is how you got your tunny? I see.
+[Mr. BELLERBY _stares at him suspiciously, and decides to suppress the
+remainder of his tunny._
+
+_Miss T._ This hotel seems to be thinning some. We've three ghosts right in
+front of us this evening.
+
+_Culch._ (_turning with effusion_). So we have! My friend is one, and he'll
+be here presently, but I much prefer myself to see every seat occupied.
+There is something so depressing about a vacant chair, don't you think?
+
+_Miss T._ It's calculated to put one in mind of _Macbeth's_ little
+dinner-party, certainly. But you can cheer up, Mr. CULCHARD, here comes a
+couple of belated _Banquos._ My gracious; I _do_ like that girl's face--she
+has such a perfectly lovely expression, and looks real superior too!
+
+_Culch._ (_who has just dropped his glasses into his soup_). I--ah--which
+lady are you referring too? (_He cleans and adjusts his glasses--to
+discover that he is face to face with_ Miss HYPATIA PRENDERGAST.) Oh ...
+I--I see--precisely, quite so! (_He turns to_ BELLERBY _to cover his
+confusion and avoid meeting_ Miss PRENDERGAST'S _eye_.) I _beg_ your
+pardon, you were describing how you caught a tunny? Pray continue.
+
+_Mr. Bellerby_ (_stiffly_). Excuse me, I don't seem fortunate enough to
+have secured your undivided attention.
+
+_Culch._ (_with intense interest_). Quite the contrary, I assure you! You
+were saying you always ordered it out of economy?
+
+_Mr. B._ Pardon _me_--I was saying nothing of the sort. I was saying that I
+told the Manager I knew that was why he _thought_ I ordered it--a rather
+different thing! "You're quite wrong," I said. "You may pay
+twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown, if you like,
+but I mean to _taste_ that tunny!" I was determined not to be done out of
+my tunny, Sir!
+
+_Culch._ (_breathlessly_). And what did the tunny--I mean the Manager--say
+to _that_?
+
+_Mr. B._ Oh, made more difficulties--it wasn't to be got, and so on. At
+last I said to him (very quietly, but he saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell
+you what it _is_--I'm going to _have_ that tunny, and, if you refuse to
+give it me,--well, I shall just send my courier _out_ for it, that's all!"
+So, with, _that_, they brought me some--and anything more delicious I never
+tasted in all my life!
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). If I can only keep him on at this tunny!
+(_Aloud._) And--er--what _does_ it taste like exactly, now?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_pregnantly_), You _order_ it, Sir--_insist_ on having it. Then
+you'll _know_ what it tastes like! [_He devotes himself to his soup._
+
+_Culch._ (_with his eyes lowered--to himself_). I _must_ look up in another
+minute--and then! [_He shivers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS."
+
+One of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time is mainly
+occupied by the composition of successful novels, sends us the following,
+written by his type-writer. From this specimen it will be gathered what a
+real economy in correcting letter-press a type-writer must be.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Dear Editor
+
+    I send you my new book to reed and if you likit pleaase give me a
+    legup. The story of my other book was anti-turkish but has not yet been
+    probited in Constanple though it has reachd its tetenth edition, at
+    least the ninth is neraly all shrubshcribed bedfore it isrereaddy. If
+    my pullisher is not sasfide oughtbe. Never use pen now only typwritr so
+    much quickerin tellgible convenent an leshble
+
+      Yours
+      S SMUGGYNS
+
+It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it was, at the time
+of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or that it is a very truthfully
+phonetic-writing but somewhat indiscreet amanuensis. At the same time
+herewith and hereby every success to our friend SMUGGYNS'S new book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES FOR HIM.--When the first stone of a new theatre in Cranbourne
+Street was laid the other day by some Magnates of the Theatrical
+Profession--beg pardon, "_the_ Profession," we should have said--Mrs.
+BANCROFT made a telling impromptu speech, and then Mr. YARDLEY, ancient
+Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on the head--accidentally, of
+course--by the bottle which is in use on these occasions. "Very YARDLEY
+treated," observed Sir DRURIOLANUS, in his happiest vein. Not the first
+literary gent who, according to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry
+period, has been "cut" by ill-use of the bottle. But the unfortunate
+author's sorrows did not end with this sad blow, as, very soon afterwards,
+his dear friends the Critics, with profuse apologies for being compelled to
+handle him so severely, were down upon him for his new version of a French
+piece, entitled _The Planter_. So the logical sequence of events was, that
+first a blow was planted, and then appeared _The Planter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECCLESIASTICAL LAYMAN.--At a meeting in Rome, the "Duke di SERMONETA" took
+the chair. If ever there were a staunch Churchman, this by his name,
+rendered in English as "Sermon-devourer," should be he.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+_Telegraphic Address_--"_Croesus, E.C._"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sir,--Let me first express my financial acknowledgments to the teeming
+millions who have honoured me, and benefited themselves by seeking my
+advice since my first letter appeared last week. Communications containing
+cheques, postal orders, and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing
+torrent. The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say that
+they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full confidence that I
+would invest the proceeds to the best advantage in some of the countless
+undertakings in which I wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully
+deserved.
+
+Investors will remember that, in the course of the last German Expedition
+to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich in every mineral deposit, and
+admirably fitted for the operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat.
+42°, long. 65°. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief
+left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over the palace
+of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of this was conveyed to
+me. I at once fitted out an Expedition _at my own expense_, placed myself
+at the head of it, and after terrible hardships, in the course of which no
+less than two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the bite
+of the poisonous _contango_ fly, or had to be mercifully dispatched by the
+hammer (a painless native form of death), in order to end their tortures, I
+succeeded in reaching the capital, where I was hospitably received by the
+king. After a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the
+kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole country
+together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties, timber, water-power,
+lakes, farm-houses, stock and manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated
+in the heart of a first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten
+packs of hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern
+comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman desiring to
+set up in the business of kingship. It matters not what I had to pay for
+this. The secret is my own, and shall go to Westminster Abbey with me. The
+point is, that with the funds entrusted to me, I have formed the
+Cent-per-Central African Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have
+allotted shares to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to
+profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial principles, and
+find it cannot be less than £100 for every £100 invested. This may seem
+small, but in these matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall
+have more to say on this subject next week.
+
+_Answers to Correspondents_.
+
+DISMAL JEMMY.--Why do you suggest that the motto of my new company should
+be, "_Stealer et fraudax_"? Is it a Latin joke? If so, don't write to me
+any more. Those who deal with _me_ must be British to the backbone.
+
+ANXIOUS.--You can't do better than send me those £50,000. I guarantee
+secrecy and quick returns. The Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes
+(Pref. deb. 492; stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay
+might be fatal.
+
+CAPITALIST.--No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; but take my advice
+and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not try the _United Bladder Mortgage
+Company_? Bladders are bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now
+at 96. _Verb. sap._ No; £20,000 would not be too much.
+
+"POTTER."--Something good may he done in Land Rails, if you can get near
+enough. Have a shot at them by all means.
+
+"PRACTICAL JOKER."--Quite right. Sell them.
+
+"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the difference between
+Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us how much he expects to receive
+in each case, the mere calculation of the difference will be an easy
+matter; but to receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the
+"distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may be summed
+up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it now, or wait till you
+get it?"
+
+"A PUZZLED ONE."--Sell everything.
+
+"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."--Yes. A Loan.
+
+"LAMBKIN."--Part with No. 2, &c., but take care of No. 1.
+
+"INSIDER."--Get out.
+
+"TOTTIE TOTTS."--Here for private consultation from 5 to 7 P.M.
+
+"RICHARD."--_Buy_ Bizzy B's, _Sell_ Early P's, and Spoiled Fives. _Buy_
+Jingoes.
+
+"BRUNO."--"Bear" your burdens.
+
+"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."--Send photo at once. Cannot advise until we know
+your figure.
+
+  "CROESUS,
+  E.C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.
+
+_Miss Fitzogre_. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE A GOOD BOY!"
+
+_Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make
+personal remarks about People in their presence_). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL
+NURSE WHAT I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JUBILEE GREETING!
+
+(_Set to a Song from Sir Walter Scott._)
+
+NOVEMBER 9, 1891.
+
+_Mr. Punch (for self and everybody) loquitur_:--
+
+  My Prince, 'tis for our coming King
+    We all lift glass in hand;
+  For him that loud hurrahs do ring
+    To-day all round the land,
+                  My Prince,
+    All round a loyal land!
+
+  Let sycophantish slave kotoo;
+    You love not such display;
+  Let courtiers cringe and creatures "boo."
+    'Tis not our English way,
+                  My Prince,
+    'Tis not our English way.
+
+  As FLORA to Prince CHARLIE bent
+    It is no shame to bow;
+  And you're a man to be content
+    With man's respect, I trow,
+                  My Prince,
+    With man's respect, I trow.
+
+  For Fifty Years we've known you, Sir,
+    And liked you. Love is free!
+  That's why the land is all astir,
+    To hail your Jubilee,
+                  My Prince,
+    To hail your Jubilee.
+
+  In Forty-Six _Punch_ pictured you,
+    "A Sailor every inch,"[A]
+  Toasting "Mamma!" in a stiff brew
+    Without a sign of flinch,
+                  My Prince,
+    Without one sign of flinch.
+
+  In Seventy-One he stood beside
+    Your door in sad "Suspense."[B]
+  We saw the turn in that dark tide
+    With thankfulness intense,
+                  My Prince,
+    With gratitude intense.
+
+  From stage to stage your course he's marked
+    Abroad as eke at home;
+  Where'er you've travelled, toiled, skylarked;
+    And now mid-age has come,
+                  My Prince,
+    And now mid-age has come.
+
+  Come as it comes to all. Most true!
+    But, "let the galled jade wince,"
+  Still _Punch's_ pencil pictures you
+    As every inch a Prince,
+                  My Prince,
+    Yes, every inch a Prince!
+
+  And now your Jubilee we greet,
+    With hearty English joy,
+  Who, as those Fifty Years did fleet,
+    Have watched you, man and boy,
+                  My Prince,
+    Have watched you, man and boy.
+
+  When all is done that Prince can do,
+    All is _not_ done in vain.
+  That's why we drink Good Health to you
+    Again and eke again,
+                  My Prince,
+    Again and eke again!
+
+  _Punch_ turns him round and right about,
+    And leads the British roar
+  Which rises in one loyal shout,
+    "Health to the Prince once more!
+                  My Prince,
+    Health to him evermore!"
+
+  And health to her, the unfading flower
+    From Denmark, o'er the foam.
+  _Ad multos annos_, grace, and power,
+    Love, and a Happy Home,
+                  My Prince,
+    Love, and a Happy Home!
+
+  Now youth has gone, and manhood come,
+    Your Jubilee we keep,
+  Good-will shall strike detraction dumb,
+    And sound from deep to deep,
+                  My Prince,
+    From white-cliff'd deep to deep!
+
+[Footnote A: See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI., Sept.
+26, 1846.]
+
+[Footnote B: See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23, 1871.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN APPARENTLY HARD CASE.--Miss Print is responsible for a great deal. The
+other day a tender-hearted person read in a daily paper, that a stranger
+"arriving in Paris, did not even know where to go and die." How sad! But
+the compositor had only omitted the "n" from the last word of the sentence.
+So it wasn't so bad after all, though for the stranger bad enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Music's the Food."--At the Savoy Hotel the band of Herr WURMS is
+advertised to perform during dinner. The name of the dinner might follow
+suit, and be entitled "The Diet of Wurms, for Gentle and Simple." Of course
+the band of Herr WURMS is an attraction; "Wurms for bait," eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A JUBILEE GREETING!
+
+MR. PUNCH (_for self and everybody_). "HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS, SIR!--KNOWN
+YOU FIFTY YEARS, AND LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVER!!"]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A KINDLY VIEW OF IT.
+
+_First Rustic_ (_to Second Ditto_). "OH, I SAY! AIN'T HE FOND OF HIS
+HORSE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IO TRIUMPHE!
+
+OR, GREEK FOR HEIFER!
+
+(_By an Old Boy._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Thee, Camus, reverend renown
+    Thy grateful votaries seek,
+  Foil'd are the Vandals who'd "send down"
+    The Genius of Greek.
+
+  For Culture's jewell'd master-key
+    They cupboard pick-locks tend,
+  And in the cult of Mammon see
+    Learning's true aim and end;
+
+  Pit shallow youth's impatient fuss
+    Against the grit of CATO,
+  Set IBSEN up for ÆSCHYLUS,
+    And OLLENDORFF for PLATO;
+
+  For songs august of heroes sung,
+    And epic hosts embattled,
+  Enforce some pidgin-Latin tongue
+    By every waiter prattled;
+
+  For nymphs, where o'er the fragrant pines
+    A sea-bright sun uprises,
+  Their fancy plays round primmest lines
+    Of prigs receiving prizes.
+
+  From Sir JOHN CHEKE to Dr. JEBB,
+    From CALVERLEY to MILTON,
+  Clear spirits burst the Sophist-web,
+    And rent the rook they built on.
+
+  WELLDON is falsely named in this,
+    For sure, in slighting Greek, he
+  Will Learning's final blessing miss,
+    Her [Greek: kalôs pepoiêke].
+
+  What though the urchin deem it "rot"
+    (Such hasty views we stoop'd to,
+  Not seeing how on earth they got
+    _Tetummenos_ from _Tupto_)
+
+  Still let us learn, not beastly facts,
+    The field of any booby,
+  But how thought acts and interacts,
+    And contraries can true be.
+
+  Though on oblivion's barren shores
+    He give it quick sepulture,
+  Still through reluctant passman's pores
+    Instil the dew of culture.
+
+  Still give us of the rills divine
+    That flow from haunted Helicon,
+  Nor rend thyself to feed the swine,
+    Like a perverted Pelican.
+
+  Keep far the time when every bee
+    That booms in every bonnet,
+  Shall find a chair of Apiary,
+    And drone long lectures on it.
+
+  Still the large light and sweetness seek
+    Of KEATS'S raptured vision,
+  (Or KEATE'S)--till Greek at last meets Greek
+    In brotherhood Elysian.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TREASURE FOR. THE TREASURER OF BARTHOLOMEW'S.--_Mr. Punch_, G.P.E.,
+General President of Everything, begs to congratulate Professor HUBERT
+HERKOMER, R.A.M.A., on his admirable portrait of Sir SYDNEY HEDLEY, and
+now, not only HEDLEY, but Full-Lengthly WATERLOW, Bart., of "Bart's," which
+H.R.H. correctly described as "a very fine work of Art, painted by one of
+our most eminent artists." Such approbation of Sir HUBERT HERKOMER is
+praise indeed! _Mr. Punch_, G.P.E., prefixes the "Sir" prophetically. For
+the present it may be taken as the last syllable, detached, of "Profes-sir"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WELLS, I NEVER!"--"Mr. WELLS," says the _Times_ Correspondent, "has made
+250,000 francs" (up to now), and "last year he made £20,000." Talk of the
+waters at various drinking or health-resorts abroad, why, their fame is as
+nothing compared with the unprecedented success of the WELLS of Monte
+Carlo. How the other chaps who lose must be like LEECH'S old gent "a
+cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two extremes at Monte Carlo
+may be expressed by the name of a well-known shopkeeping London firm,
+i.e., SWEARS AND WELLS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TOUR. MR. PUNCH AT THE POTTERIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTHING LIKE LABOR.
+
+(_A Pleasant Prospect suggested by the evidence taken before the Royal
+Commission_.)
+
+And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had passed the
+night, and made for the town. It was early morning, and he thought he could
+possibly get something to do at the baker's.
+
+"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it is all over for
+the next two days. The trade only allows four hours, so we begin at eight
+on one night, and carry it on until four on the following morning. People
+get their loaves a little stale, but old bread is said to be good for the
+digestion!"
+
+So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built house. The workmen
+had left, but there was still a watchman on the premises.
+
+"Want to work! Why _what_ are you thinking about! Why, our trade only
+allows two hours a day, so we build a house by laying foundation-stones. It
+is rather slow, but very sure."
+
+So the starving man continued his journey. He was unsuccessful at every
+trade centre. One industry allowed its members to work only for three hours
+a day, another two, a third four, and so on. There was only one exception
+to the rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity. The
+undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the twenty-four. Even
+the public-houses were closed at noon. The workhouses and casual wards were
+never empty.
+
+But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered his drooping
+spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!" Then he retired to his
+rather damp quarters in the country ditch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Literary Intelligence.
+
+_Airy opening of article by_ Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, _a rising young author_.
+"Asked by Editor of _Magazin des Louvres_ to let him have a paper on Art as
+Applied to Drapery----"
+
+_Note by the Agonised Editor_ (_who has been struggling with MS. for
+several hours_). "And he _did_ let me have it, with a vengeance!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS."
+
+_Mrs. Blunderby_. "Now, MY DEAR MONTY, LET ME ORDER THE LUNCHEON
+AR-LA-FRAINGSY. GASSONG! I WISH TO BEGIN--AS WE ALWAYS DO IN PARIS, MY
+DEARS--WITH SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES_--YOU UNDERSTAND--SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES."_
+
+[_Emile, the Waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him however, presently that
+the Lady probably means "Hors d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAR MR. EDITOR,
+
+What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is the meaning of
+this heading to a paragraph in the _Times_ of Tuesday, Nov. 3:--
+
+    "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1."
+
+Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before heard of the
+Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It is true that the duplicity
+is said to be only "apparent" or alleged, but this is doubtless due to the
+precaution of the scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have
+often been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better. A
+"Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the presence of a friend
+and admirer in the Stalls or in the charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body
+to be guilty of duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body,
+is too much. No more will the simple lines
+
+    "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!"
+
+be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such light conduct,
+then shall we, have to read
+
+    "Wink, O wink, you little Star!"
+
+Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations they make. To
+what a state of things are we coming, when at night all the sublunary world
+is nodding, and the Stars above are winking. If there's duplicity in a
+Satellite of Jupiter, how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any
+trust in the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers,
+astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the painful
+subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the _Times_ for exposing duplicity
+in the highest places. Imagine treachery in Aurora Borealis! What an awful
+flirt she would be!! How she'd "wink the other eye!"
+
+Yours,
+AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM MASHONALAND.--Inspired by the success of ARTHUR B., of DE GORSTIBUS
+NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates
+a surprise return to his own native land and to Parliamentary life. He
+announces his intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord
+NIL DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINAL.--The _Daily Chronicle_ says it does not regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of
+the Puritans of finance. Well, no, perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance--like
+his manner--is rather _Cavalier_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+[Illustration: Farmer Atkinson.]
+
+MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist Conference, has
+been supplying the United States with interesting illustrations of House of
+Commons manners. Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists,
+members of which body were largely represented in his audience, are
+"impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON,
+M.P., found it necessary to explain that he had used the term "simply in a
+Parliamentary sense." We learn by special Zadkiel telegram that, on
+emerging from the Hall after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER
+(Omaha), bringing down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr.
+FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction that
+temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.
+
+"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., struggling out of
+the wreck of his hat.
+
+"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER
+(Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed controversy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work for weekdays.
+From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on Strategy and Tactics to
+Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he instructs the chief
+actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the principles of their
+respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation
+of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of large-paper
+copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he reviews regiments,
+cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, carries his own dispatches to
+himself, and makes speeches of varying length to all who will listen to
+him. Any professional reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's
+words is immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder.
+From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and officials,
+dictates state-papers to General CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How
+I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty
+teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their families,
+bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how to prepare dinners.
+The rest of the day he devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty
+leaves Berlin on his tenth visit to the European Courts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is arranging a
+Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the members and connections
+of his family for whom he has found places during his term of office. It is
+well known that the accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is
+comparatively limited.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of
+Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His
+personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man
+over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics.
+
+"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the
+heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with
+the bandage over his left eyebrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was
+not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made
+known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to
+see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless
+contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only
+of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to
+call him out--even from Church.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is
+about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through
+the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this
+intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the
+European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has
+been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria.
+His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this
+arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has,
+we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the
+status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who
+approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with
+Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of
+water."
+
+With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has
+recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in
+daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will,
+therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official
+communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir
+WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a
+friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and
+that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour
+doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between
+the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the _Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by
+the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the
+portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a
+prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in
+front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding,
+people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which
+was Sir SYDNEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.
+
+_First Voice._ I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this
+Commission?
+
+_Second Voice._ Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the
+name of my fellow-labourers, and----
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions?
+
+_Second V._ I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict,
+there is only--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are
+beneficial?
+
+_Second V._ I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that
+labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only
+to--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of
+arbitration?
+
+_Second V._ No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of
+labour rises on the stilly night, and--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you
+belong?
+
+_Second V._ I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should
+care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain,
+he should--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to
+no trade, what is your occupation?
+
+_Second V._ My occupation is to talk to--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to
+America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn him into musical
+pieces at St. James's Hall.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.--The Novel that _Mr.
+Punch_ so recently praised, entitled _Tim_, is neither Irish nor political.
+Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of
+adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book,
+to be entitled _Tiny Tim._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD TIMES REVIVED.--The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a
+middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House
+be known as EVANS'S?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 14th, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14074]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 101.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>November 14th, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229"
+       id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+    <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. VI.&mdash;TO VANITY.</h3>
+
+    <p>DEAR VANITY,</p>
+
+    <p>I think I can see you smirking and posturing before the
+    abstract mirror, which is your constant companion. It pleases
+    you, no doubt, to think that anybody should pay you the
+    compliment of making you the object and the subject of a whole
+    letter. Perhaps when you have read it to the end you will alter
+    your mood, since it cannot please you to listen to the truth
+    about yourself. None of those whom you infect here below ever
+    did like it. Sometimes, to be sure, it had to be endured with
+    many grimaces, but it was extraordinary to note how the clouds
+    caused by the aggravated truth-teller passed away as soon as
+    his departure had enabled the object of these reproaches to
+    recover his or her false self again. What boots it, after all,
+    to tell the truth? For those whom you protect are clad in
+    armour, which is proof against the sharpest lance, and they can
+    thus bid defiance to all the clumsy attacks of the merely
+    honest and downright&mdash;for a time; but in the end their
+    punishment comes, not always in the manner that their friends
+    predict, but none the less inevitable in one manner or another.
+    For they all fashion a ridiculous monster out of affectations,
+    strivings and falsehoods, and label it "Myself;" and in the end
+    the monster takes breath, and lives and crushes his despised
+    maker, and immediately vanishes into space.</p>
+
+    <p>Permit me to proceed in my usual way, and to offer you an
+    example or two. And I begin with HERMIONE MAYBLOOM. HERMIONE
+    was one of a large family of delightful daughters. Their father
+    was the well-known Dr. MAYBLOOM, who was Dean of Archester
+    Cathedral. His massive and convincing volumes on <i>The Fauna
+    and Flora of the Mosaic Books in their Relation to Modern
+    Botanical Investigation</i>, must be within your recollection.
+    It was followed, you remember, by <i>The Dean's Duty</i>,
+    which, being published at a time when there was, so to speak, a
+    boom in religious novels, was ordered by many readers under the
+    impression that it was likely to upset their mature religious
+    convictions by its assaults on orthodoxy. Their disappointment
+    when two stout tomes, dealing historically with the
+    <i>status</i> and duties of Deans, were delivered to them, was
+    the theme of cheerful comment amongst the light-hearted members
+    of the Dean's own family.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/229.png"
+             alt="The Reverend Stephen Hankinson." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Was there ever in this world so delightful a family circle
+    as that of the Deanery? The daughters were all pretty, but that
+    was their smallest merit. They were all clever, and well-read,
+    without a tinge of the bluestocking, and most of them were
+    musical to the tips of their slender fingers. How merrily their
+    laughter used to ring across the ancient close, and how
+    playfully and gently they used to rally the dear learned old
+    Dean who had watched over them and cared for them since Mrs.
+    MAYBLOOM'S death, many years before, with all the tender care
+    of the most devoted mother. And of this fair and smiling
+    throng, "my only rosary," as the Dean used to call them,
+    HERMIONE was, I think, the prettiest, as she was certainly the
+    most accomplished. Every kind of gift had been showered upon
+    her by Nature. When she played her violin, accompanied by her
+    elder sister on the piano, tears trickled unbidden down the
+    aquiline nose of the militant Bishop of Archester, the chapter
+    stood hushed to a man, and the surrounding curates were only
+    prevented by a salutary fear of ruining their chances of
+    preferment from laying themselves, their pittances, and their
+    garnered store of slippers at her pretty feet. Then in a fit of
+    charming petulance, she would break off in the middle of the
+    piece, lay down her violin, and, with a pretty imperiousness,
+    command a younger sister to fetch her zither, on which to
+    complete the subjugation of her adorers. And then her
+    caricatures&mdash;summer-lightning flashes of pencilled wit, as
+    I heard the Reverend SIMEON COPE describe them in a moment of
+    enthusiasm after she had shown us her sketch of his rival, the
+    Reverend STEPHEN HANKINSON.</p>
+
+    <p>But even in those days, while she still had about her all
+    the fascinations of peerless beauty and fresh and glowing
+    youth, I mistrusted her. Alone of all the sisters she seemed to
+    me to be wanting in heart. I heard her several times attempt to
+    snub her father, and once I noted how she spent a whole evening
+    in moody silence, and refused to play a note, for no other
+    reason that I could see except that Captain ARBLAST, of the
+    30th Lancers, the dashing first-born of the Bishop, who
+    happened to be spending a few days of his long leave in
+    Archester, devoted himself with all the assiduity of his
+    military nature to twirling his heavy moustache in the
+    immediate neighbourhood of SOPHY MAYBLOOM, and not in that of
+    HERMIONE. Indeed, I have reason to know that, after the guests
+    had departed, poor SOPHY had to endure from her sister a
+    dreadful scene, the harsh details of which have not yet faded
+    from her memory. And then I remembered, too, how it was a
+    matter of family chaff against HERMIONE that once, not very
+    long after she had entered upon her teens, she had sobbed
+    convulsively through a whole night, because she had discovered
+    that her juvenile arms were thin and mottled, and she imagined
+    that she would never be able to wear a low dress, or shine in
+    Society.</p>
+
+    <p>Such, then, was the beautiful HERMIONE, who for some years
+    rode rough-shod over the hearts of all the males in Archester.
+    Space fails me to enumerate all her engagements. She broke them
+    one after another without a thought, and cast her admirers away
+    as if they had been dresses of last year's fashion. Most of
+    them, it must be said, recovered quickly enough, but the
+    miserable COPE became a hopeless hypochondriac, and never
+    smiled again. He died the other day, and HERMIONE's sketch of
+    HANKINSON was found, frayed and soiled, in an ancient
+    pocket-book which he always carried about with him. HANKINSON'S
+    fate seemed at first to be worse. He took to poetry, morbid,
+    passionate, yearning, unhealthy poetry, of the skimmed
+    SWINBURNE variety, and for a time was gloomy enough. Having,
+    however, engaged in a paper conflict with one of his critics,
+    he forgot his sorrows, and though he still declares an
+    overwhelming desire for death and oblivion about six times a
+    year, in various magazines, he seemed, when I last saw him,
+    fairly comfortable and happy. But, of course, he has never
+    secured a vicarage.</p>
+
+    <p>To return to HERMIONE. She at last married a certain Mr.
+    PARDOE, a barrister practising on the Archester Circuit, and
+    established herself in town. Shortly afterwards she became the
+    rage. Her beauty, her wit, her music, her dinners, her
+    diamonds, were spoken of with enthusiasm. All the elderly
+    <i>rou&eacute;s</i>, whose leathery hearts had been offered up
+    at hundreds of shrines, became her temporary slaves. She coaxed
+    them, cajoled them, and fooled them, did this innocent daughter
+    of a simple-minded Dean, to the top of their various bents. She
+    schemed successfully against countless rivals, in order to
+    maintain her pre-eminence in the admiration of her circle. Her
+    ambition knew no bounds. She changed her so-called friends
+    every week; she cultivated grand passions for actors, authors,
+    musicians, and even for professors. Sometimes she played to
+    select audiences with all her old ravishing skill, but this
+    happened more and more rarely, until at last she utterly
+    declined, and even went so far as to flout H.S.H. the Duke of
+    KALBSKOPF, who had been specially invited to meet her.</p>
+
+    <p>Then suddenly came the crash. She left her husband, in
+    company with CHARLIE FITZHUBERT, the heir presumptive to the
+    wealthy earldom of Battersea. On the following day Mr. PARDOE
+    blew out his brains, leaving ten thousand pounds of debt and
+    three young children. Six months afterwards the venerable Dean
+    died, and sentimental people spoke of a broken heart. Then the
+    Earl of BATTERSEA, in a fit of indignation, married, and was
+    blessed with a son, the present Earl. CHARLIE FITZHUBERT
+    married HERMIONE, but they are as poor as curates, and he hates
+    her. I saw her two days ago in a shabby hired carriage. She is
+    getting prematurely old, and grey, and wrinkled, and everybody
+    avoids her, except her sister SOPHY, who still visits her, and
+    suffers her ill-humour.</p>
+
+    <p>Charming story, isn't it? I shall write again soon.</p>
+
+    <p>Yours, in the meantime,<br />
+     DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NIGHT-MAILING.&mdash;"Night Mail between London and Paris"
+    has been recently announced in all the papers as now ready and
+    willing to take night-mailers from Victoria, L.C. &amp; D., to
+    the French Capital. It is to be a Third-class Night Mail,
+    though a Knight of the First Class can, of course, travel by it
+    should he be so disposed. Thirty shillings through fare for "a
+    single;" but as the tariff doesn't explicitly inform us whether
+    the passenger will be asked the question, "Married or single?"
+    and so be charged accordingly, we may presume that a margin is
+    left for a little surprise. The train of Night Mails&mdash;a
+    kind of gay bachelor train, no females being of the
+    party&mdash;is to start at 8:15 P.M., and to be in Paris at
+    5:50 A.M.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230"
+       id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+    <h2>DRAWING THE BADGER.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>A Natural History Note</i>.)</p>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/230.png"
+             alt="The Badger" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Badger (<i>Meles-Taxus</i>) is at once one of the most
+    inoffensive and (in one sense) offensive of our few remaining
+    British Carnivora. He is described by NAPIER of Merchiston, in
+    his <i>Book of Nature and of Man</i>, as a "quiet nocturnal
+    beast, but if much 'badgered' becoming obstinate, and fighting
+    to the last, in which it is a type of a large class of Britons,
+    who like to be let alone, but when ill used can fight."</p>
+
+    <p>That great new authority on Natural History, Mr. G.A. HENTY
+    (author of <i>Those Other Animals</i>), should be able to tell
+    us much about the Badger. Therewith he would be able, in his
+    own favourite fashion, to "point a moral" (against the
+    Demogorgon Democracy), and "adorn a tale" (of laboured
+    waggery). He might find the subject as suggestive of sardonic
+    chaff as American women and Republican institutions.</p>
+
+    <p>What says the popular WOOD? He describes the Badger as "slow
+    and clumsy in its actions," and as "rolling along so awkwardly
+    that it may easily be mistaken for a young pig in the dusk of
+    the evening." Woe, however, to whomsoever <i>does</i> take the
+    creature for "a young pig." "Being naturally as harmless an
+    animal as can be imagined, it is a terrible antagonist when
+    provoked to use the means of defence with which it is so well
+    provided."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231"
+       id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We tax the patience of poor <i>Meles-Taxus</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Until he turns with tooth and claws and whacks
+            us.</p>
+
+            <p>The natural home of <i>Taxus</i>&mdash;the
+            Exchequer&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Harbours a creature that keeps up its pecker.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"For the purpose of so-called 'sport,' the Badger used to be
+    captured and put into a cage ready to be tormented; at the
+    cruel will of every ruffian who might chose to risk his dog
+    against the sharp teeth of the captive animal."</p>
+
+    <p>This particular sort of "sport" is a little out of date. But
+    "drawing a Badger" is not unknown even in these humanitarian
+    days. Dogs will sometimes voluntarily rush in to risk their
+    hides and muzzles against the aforesaid sharp teeth, &amp;c.
+    Look at those in the picture!</p>
+
+    <p>The two small, if aggressive, terriers seem unequally
+    matched against the "clumsy" but strong-jawed and
+    terribly-toothed Badger. They have drawn him, indeed, out of
+    his hole, and one of them, at least, seems rather sorry for it,
+    if you may judge by the way in which he turns tail and makes
+    for his protector, the big Bull-Terrier. The ventripotent
+    broken-haired tyke looks more valorous&mdash;for the moment.
+    Yap! yap! yap! <i>Meles-Taxus</i> takes little notice of him,
+    however. His eyes are on that sturdy specimen of <i>Canis
+    familiaris</i> there, whose bold eyes in turn are on
+    <i>him</i>. Both, perhaps, experience&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That stern joy which warriors feel</p>
+
+            <p>In foemen worthy of their steel."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Drawn by those two tiny yelpers? Not a bit of it! But
+    <i>you</i>, my complacent canine Colossus&mdash;come on if you
+    dare!" And he <i>does</i> dare, evidently. Whether he'll regret
+    his daring remains to be seen.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Memory of Milton.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>MILTON forgotten? Nay, my BESANT, nay;</p>
+
+            <p>Not wholly, even in this petty day,</p>
+
+            <p>When learning snips, when criticism snaps,</p>
+
+            <p>And the great bulk of readers feed on scraps.</p>
+
+            <p>Still, still he finds his "audience fit, though
+            few,"</p>
+
+            <p>The rest <i>forget</i> not since they never
+            knew.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>The Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book.</h3>
+
+    <p>Have you caught a fish?</p>
+
+    <p>No, but I have bagged a cannon-ball.</p>
+
+    <p>Is the sea too rough for your boat?</p>
+
+    <p>No, the sea is not too rough, but the Torpedoes are
+    decidedly embarrassing.</p>
+
+    <p>Is that a pretty shell that you are going to carry home to
+    your children?</p>
+
+    <p>No, it is a live one, that, if it bursts a yard nearer, will
+    blow us into smithereens.</p>
+
+    <p>Do you propose returning to your lodging to-night?</p>
+
+    <p>That is a matter that will be decided by the Commander of
+    the nearest practising gun-boat.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/231a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231a.png"
+             alt="The result of too much Greek" /></a> <b>THE
+             RESULT OF TOO MUCH GREEK.</b>
+
+        <p><i>First Classic</i>. "BY THE WAY, HADN'T DANTE GOT
+        ANOTHER NAME?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Classic</i>. "YES; ALFIERI, I THINK&mdash;OR
+        ELSE ALIGHIERI."</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Classic</i>. "AH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD A
+        NOTION IT WAS GABRIEL ROSSETTI, OR SOMETHING!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>CUTTING REMARKS.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/231b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231b.png"
+             alt="Tied to Time." /></a> Tied to Time.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES has taken a theatre wherein to play
+    his own plays to his own taste. On the first night of <i>The
+    Crusaders</i> this taste was not exactly the taste of the
+    audience. Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES seemed to object to be tied to
+    time, and the result was the prompt appearance of that terrible
+    conqueror of things terrestrial, General Boredom. Since the
+    initial performance, it is reported that matters have gone on
+    more smoothly. According to the "usual sources of information"
+    the dramatist has been cheered on leaving his theatre, and
+    heartily congratulated. On one occasion he actually
+    supplemented his piece with a speech! Apparently he was under
+    the impression that there could not be too much of a good
+    thing&mdash;JONES for choice! It may be that since the first
+    performance, there has been some curtailment made in the play.
+    To judge from appearances it was a question of
+    cutting&mdash;either the author the play, or the public the
+    theatre!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>QUITE A NEW SPEC.&mdash;We have just received a prospectus
+    of a Company entitled "<i>The Monarch Insurance Society</i>."
+    Of course, all the Crowned Heads of Europe will be in it. We
+    haven't yet read it, the title being sufficient for the
+    present. <i>&Ccedil;a donne &agrave; penser</i>. Will it
+    provide New Monarchs for old ones? Will it give good sovereigns
+    in exchange for bad ones? If so&mdash;where will the profit
+    come in?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>FRENCH AS SHE IS "WRIT."</h4>
+
+    <p>The <i>Standard's</i> own Vienna Correspondent, when
+    reporting the unpleasant incident in the life of the Duc
+    d'ORL&Eacute;ANS, told us how the Prince, on unwittingly
+    "accepting service," said to the astute lawyer's clerk, "Mais,
+    Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment." To which the clerk replied,
+    "also in French," says the <i>Standard</i>, "One time is as
+    good as another." But why was not the lawyer's clerk's French
+    as she is spoke given as well as that of M. le Duc? And how
+    much more telling it would have been had M. le Duc been served
+    well and faithfully by a clerk like <i>Perker's Mr. Lowten</i>,
+    fresh, very fresh, from a carouse at the "Magpie and Stump," or
+    even by one of <i>Messrs. Dodson and Fog's</i> young men who
+    enjoyed themselves so much when "a twigging" of the virtuous
+    <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>"Mais, Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment," says the Duke, to
+    which our <i>Mr. Lowten</i> would have replied in
+    Magpie-and-Stumping French, "Eggskewsy moy, Mossoo, le Dook,
+    ung Tom is aussy bong qu'ung autre. Mossoo ler Dook ar
+    maintenong p&eacute;rus&eacute; ler documong; voici le copy et
+    voil&agrave; two. Bonsoir, il faut que je l'accroche."</p>
+
+    <p>Whereupon he would have "hooked it," as it appears this
+    particular lawyer's clerk did, and was not seen again. No doubt
+    he joined a circle of admiring friends in the legal
+    neighbourhood (some Magpies-and-Stumps still exist), where,
+    over a glass and a cigar, he recounted the merry tale of how he
+    had served a Duke.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The relation of Hypnotiser to the Hypnotised at the Aquarium
+    may be simply described as "GERMANE to the subject.'</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>SONG AND CHORUS FOR THE COUNTY COUNCIL ON NEXT DEBATE ON THE
+    WATER SUPPLY&mdash;"Young BENN he was a nice young man."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232"
+       id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">No. XIV.</p>
+
+    <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Gardens belonging to the H&ocirc;tel du Parc,
+    Lugano. Time, afternoon; the orchestra is tuning up in a
+    kiosk.</i> CULCHARD <i>is seated on a bench in the shade,
+    keeping an anxious eye upon the opposite door.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She said she had a
+    headache, and made her father and VAN BOODELER go out on the
+    lake without her. But she certainly gave me to understand that
+    she might come out when the band played, if she felt better.
+    The question is, whether she <i>means</i> to feel better or
+    not. She is the most tantalising girl! <i>I</i> don't know what
+    to make of her. Not a single reference, as yet, to that last
+    talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I can't recall it to her
+    memory&mdash;if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance of
+    it&mdash;we are not likely to be dis&mdash;&mdash;. Confound it
+    all&mdash;PODBURY! (<i>with suppressed irritation as</i>
+    PODBURY <i>comes up</i>). Well, do you <i>want</i> anything in
+    particular?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>cheerfully, as he sits down</i>). Only the
+    pleasure of your society, old chap. How nicely you do put
+    things!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> The&mdash;er&mdash;fact is, I can't promise to
+    be a particularly lively companion just now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Podb.</i> Not by way of a change? Ah, well, it's a
+    pity&mdash;but I must put up with you as you are, I suppose.
+    You see&mdash;(<i>with a grin</i>)&mdash;I've got that vow to
+    work out.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Possibly&mdash;but <i>I</i> haven't. As I've
+    already told you&mdash;I retire.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Podb.</i> Wobbled back to Miss TROTTER again, eh? Matter
+    of taste, of course, but, for my part, I think your
+    <i>first</i> impression of her was nearer the truth&mdash;she's
+    not what I call a highly cultivated sort of girl, y' know.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> You are naturally exacting on that point, but
+    have the goodness to leave my first impressions alone,
+    and&mdash;er&mdash;frankly, PODBURY, I see no necessity
+    (<i>now</i>, at all events) to take that
+    ridiculous&mdash;hum&mdash;penance <i>too</i> literally. We are
+    <i>travelling</i> together, and I imagine that is enough for
+    Miss PRENDERGAST.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Podb.</i> It's enough for <i>me</i>&mdash;especially when
+    you make yourself so doosid amiable as this. You needn't alarm
+    yourself&mdash;you won't have any more of my company than I can
+    help; only I <i>must</i> say, for two fellows who came out to
+    do a tour <i>together</i>,
+    it's&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Walks away,
+    grumbling.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Later. The band has finished playing;</i> Miss TROTTER
+    <i>is on the bench with</i> CULCHARD.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> And you mean to tell me you've never met
+    anybody since you even cared to converse with?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>diplomatically</i>). Does that strike you
+    as so very incredible?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, it strikes me as just a <i>little</i>
+    too thin. I judged you'd go away, and forget I ever
+    existed.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232.png"
+             alt="Ah, how little you know me!" /></a> "Ah, how
+             little you know me!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with tender reproach</i>). How little you
+    know me! I may not be an&mdash;er&mdash;demonstrative man,
+    my&mdash;er&mdash;feelings are not easily roused, but, once
+    roused, well&mdash;(<i>wounded</i>)&mdash;I think I may claim
+    to possess an ordinary degree of constancy!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, I'm sure I <i>ought</i> to feel it a
+    vurry high compliment to have you going round grieving all this
+    time on <i>my</i> account.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Grieving! Ah, if I could only <i>tell</i> you
+    what I went through! (<i>Decides, on reflection, that the less
+    he says about this the better.</i>) But all that is past. And
+    now may I not expect a more definite answer to the question I
+    asked at Bingen? Your reply then was&mdash;well, a little
+    ambiguous.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess it's got to be just about as
+    ambiguous now&mdash;there don't seem anything I <i>can</i> say.
+    There's times when I feel as if it might be sort of elevating
+    and improving to have you shining around; and there's other
+    times when I suspect that, if it went on for any considerable
+    period, likely I'd weaken. I'm not just sure. And I can't ever
+    make myself believe but what you're disapproving of me, inside
+    of you, most all the time!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Pray dismiss such&mdash;er&mdash;morbid
+    misgivings, dear Miss TROTTER. Show that you do so by accepting
+    me as your guide and companion through life!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> My! but that sounds like a proposal?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> I intended it to bear
+    that&mdash;er&mdash;construction. It <i>is</i> a
+    proposal&mdash;made after the fullest reflection.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I'm ever so obliged. But we don't fix things
+    quite that way in my country. We want to feel pretty sure,
+    first, we shann't get left. And it don't seem to me as if I'd
+    had opportunities enough of studying your leading
+    characteristics. I'll have to study them some more before I
+    know whereabouts I am; and I want you to understand that I'm
+    not going to commit myself to anything at present. That mayn't
+    be sentiment, but I guess it's common-sense, anyway. And all
+    <i>you</i>'ve got to do is, just to keep around, and kind of
+    impress me with a conviction that you're the vurry brightest
+    and best man in the entire universe, and I don't believe you'll
+    find much difficulty about <i>that</i>. And now I guess we'll
+    go into <i>table d'h&ocirc;te</i>&mdash;I'm just as
+    <i>ravenous</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he follows her</i>).
+    Really, this is not much better than RUSKIN, after all. But I
+    don't despair. That last remark was distinctly encouraging!</p>
+
+    <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A large Salle &agrave; Manger, decorated in
+    the Pompeian style. Table d'h&ocirc;te has begun.</i> CULCHARD
+    <i>is seated between</i> Miss TROTTER <i>and a large and
+    conversational stranger. Opposite are three empty
+    chairs.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Culchard's Neighbour</i>. Then you're going on to Venice?
+    Well, you take <i>my</i> advice. When you get there, you ask
+    for tunny. Don't forget&mdash;<i>tunny</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who wants to talk to</i> Miss T.) Tunny?
+    Thank you. I&mdash;er&mdash;will certainly remember his name,
+    if I require a guide.</p>
+
+    <p><i>His N.</i> A guide? No, no&mdash;tunny's a <i>fish</i>,
+    Sir, a coarse red fish, with flesh like a raw beefsteak.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Is that so? Then I will make a point of asking
+    for it&mdash;if I want raw beefsteak.</p>
+
+    <p>[<i>Attempts to turn to</i> Miss T.</p>
+
+    <p><i>His N.</i> That's what <i>I</i> did when I was at Venice.
+    I sent for the Manager. He came. I said to him. "Look here, I'm
+    an Englishman. My name's BELLERBY. (CULCHARD <i>bows in patient
+    boredom.</i>) I've heard of your Venetian tunny. I wish to
+    taste it. <i>Bring</i> me some!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>crushingly</i>). A most excellent method
+    of obtaining it, no doubt. (<i>To</i> Waiter.) <i>Num&eacute;ro
+    vingt-sept, demi bouteille de Chianti, et siphon!</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>His N.</i> You don't wait till I've <i>done</i>, Sir! I
+    <i>didn't</i> obtain it&mdash;not at first. The man made
+    excuses. I was prepared for <i>that</i>. I told him plainly, "I
+    know what <i>you</i>'re thinking&mdash;it's a cheap fish, and
+    you fancy I'm ordering it out of economy!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>raising his eyebrows for</i> Miss T.'s
+    <i>benefit</i>). Of course, he naturally <i>would</i> think so.
+    And <i>that</i> is how you got your tunny? I
+    see.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [Mr. BELLERBY <i>stares at him
+    suspiciously, and decides to suppress the remainder of his
+    tunny.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> This hotel seems to be thinning some. We've
+    three ghosts right in front of us this evening.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>turning with effusion</i>). So we have! My
+    friend is one, and he'll be here presently, but I much prefer
+    myself to see every seat occupied. There is something so
+    depressing about a vacant chair, don't you think?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's calculated to put one in mind of
+    <i>Macbeth's</i> little dinner-party, certainly. But you can
+    cheer up, Mr. CULCHARD, here comes a couple of belated
+    <i>Banquos.</i> My gracious; I <i>do</i> like that girl's
+    face&mdash;she has such a perfectly lovely expression, and
+    looks real superior
+    too!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+       id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> <i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has
+       just dropped his glasses into his soup</i>).
+       I&mdash;ah&mdash;which lady are you referring too? (<i>He
+       cleans and adjusts his glasses&mdash;to discover that he is
+       face to face with</i> Miss HYPATIA PRENDERGAST.) Oh ...
+       I&mdash;I see&mdash;precisely, quite so! (<i>He turns to</i>
+       BELLERBY <i>to cover his confusion and avoid meeting</i>
+       Miss PRENDERGAST'S <i>eye</i>.) I <i>beg</i> your pardon,
+       you were describing how you caught a tunny? Pray continue.
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Bellerby</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). Excuse me, I don't
+    seem fortunate enough to have secured your undivided
+    attention.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with intense interest</i>). Quite the
+    contrary, I assure you! You were saying you always ordered it
+    out of economy?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Pardon <i>me</i>&mdash;I was saying nothing of
+    the sort. I was saying that I told the Manager I knew that was
+    why he <i>thought</i> I ordered it&mdash;a rather different
+    thing! "You're quite wrong," I said. "You may pay
+    twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown,
+    if you like, but I mean to <i>taste</i> that tunny!" I was
+    determined not to be done out of my tunny, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>breathlessly</i>). And what did the
+    tunny&mdash;I mean the Manager&mdash;say to <i>that</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Oh, made more difficulties&mdash;it wasn't to
+    be got, and so on. At last I said to him (very quietly, but he
+    saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell you what it
+    <i>is</i>&mdash;I'm going to <i>have</i> that tunny, and, if
+    you refuse to give it me,&mdash;well, I shall just send my
+    courier <i>out</i> for it, that's all!" So, with, <i>that</i>,
+    they brought me some&mdash;and anything more delicious I never
+    tasted in all my life!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). If I can only keep him on
+    at this tunny! (<i>Aloud.</i>) And&mdash;er&mdash;what
+    <i>does</i> it taste like exactly, now?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>pregnantly</i>), You <i>order</i> it,
+    Sir&mdash;<i>insist</i> on having it. Then you'll <i>know</i>
+    what it tastes like!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>He devotes
+    himself to his soup.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with his eyes lowered&mdash;to
+    himself</i>). I <i>must</i> look up in another minute&mdash;and
+    then!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He shivers.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS."</h4>
+
+    <p>One of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time
+    is mainly occupied by the composition of successful novels,
+    sends us the following, written by his type-writer. From this
+    specimen it will be gathered what a real economy in correcting
+    letter-press a type-writer must be.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/233a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233a.png"
+             alt="Mr. Smuggyns" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="typewriter">
+        Dear Editor
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote class="typewriter">
+        I send you my new book to reed and if you likit pleaase
+        give me a legup. The story of my other book was
+        anti-turkish but has not yet been probited in Constanple
+        though it has reachd its tetenth edition, at least the
+        ninth is neraly all shrubshcribed bedfore it isrereaddy. If
+        my pullisher is not sasfide oughtbe. Never use pen now only
+        typwritr so much quickerin tellgible convenent an leshble
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="typewriter">Yours</p>
+
+            <p class="typewriter">S SMUGGYNS</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it
+    was, at the time of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or
+    that it is a very truthfully phonetic-writing but somewhat
+    indiscreet amanuensis. At the same time herewith and hereby
+    every success to our friend SMUGGYNS'S new book.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>HARD LINES FOR HIM.&mdash;When the first stone of a new
+    theatre in Cranbourne Street was laid the other day by some
+    Magnates of the Theatrical Profession&mdash;beg pardon,
+    "<i>the</i> Profession," we should have said&mdash;Mrs.
+    BANCROFT made a telling impromptu speech, and then Mr. YARDLEY,
+    ancient Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on the
+    head&mdash;accidentally, of course&mdash;by the bottle which is
+    in use on these occasions. "Very YARDLEY treated," observed Sir
+    DRURIOLANUS, in his happiest vein. Not the first literary gent
+    who, according to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry
+    period, has been "cut" by ill-use of the bottle. But the
+    unfortunate author's sorrows did not end with this sad blow,
+    as, very soon afterwards, his dear friends the Critics, with
+    profuse apologies for being compelled to handle him so
+    severely, were down upon him for his new version of a French
+    piece, entitled <i>The Planter</i>. So the logical sequence of
+    events was, that first a blow was planted, and then appeared
+    <i>The Planter</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>ECCLESIASTICAL LAYMAN.&mdash;At a meeting in Rome, the "Duke
+    di SERMONETA" took the chair. If ever there were a staunch
+    Churchman, this by his name, rendered in English as
+    "Sermon-devourer," should be he.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Telegraphic Address</i>&mdash;"<i>Croesus,
+    E.C.</i>"</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/233b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233b.png"
+             alt="Lend us half a crown till tomorrow there's a good fellow!" />
+        </a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;Let me first express my financial acknowledgments
+    to the teeming millions who have honoured me, and benefited
+    themselves by seeking my advice since my first letter appeared
+    last week. Communications containing cheques, postal orders,
+    and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing torrent.
+    The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say
+    that they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full
+    confidence that I would invest the proceeds to the best
+    advantage in some of the countless undertakings in which I
+    wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully deserved.</p>
+
+    <p>Investors will remember that, in the course of the last
+    German Expedition to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich
+    in every mineral deposit, and admirably fitted for the
+    operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat. 42&deg;, long.
+    65&deg;. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief
+    left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over
+    the palace of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of
+    this was conveyed to me. I at once fitted out an Expedition
+    <i>at my own expense</i>, placed myself at the head of it, and
+    after terrible hardships, in the course of which no less than
+    two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the
+    bite of the poisonous <i>contango</i> fly, or had to be
+    mercifully dispatched by the hammer (a painless native form of
+    death), in order to end their tortures, I succeeded in reaching
+    the capital, where I was hospitably received by the king. After
+    a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the
+    kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole
+    country together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties,
+    timber, water-power, lakes, farm-houses, stock and
+    manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated in the heart of a
+    first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten packs of
+    hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern
+    comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman
+    desiring to set up in the business of kingship. It matters not
+    what I had to pay for this. The secret is my own, and shall go
+    to Westminster Abbey with me. The point is, that with the funds
+    entrusted to me, I have formed the Cent-per-Central African
+    Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have allotted shares
+    to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to
+    profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial
+    principles, and find it cannot be less than &pound;100 for
+    every &pound;100 invested. This may seem small, but in these
+    matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall have more
+    to say on this subject next week.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Answers to Correspondents</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DISMAL JEMMY.&mdash;Why do you suggest that the motto of my
+    new company should be, "<i>Stealer et fraudax</i>"? Is it a
+    Latin joke? If so, don't write to me any more. Those who deal
+    with <i>me</i> must be British to the backbone.</p>
+
+    <p>ANXIOUS.&mdash;You can't do better than send me those
+    &pound;50,000. I guarantee secrecy and quick returns. The
+    Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes (Pref. deb. 492;
+    stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay might
+    be fatal.</p>
+
+    <p>CAPITALIST.&mdash;No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols;
+    but take my advice and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not
+    try the <i>United Bladder Mortgage Company</i>? Bladders are
+    bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now at 96.
+    <i>Verb. sap.</i> No; &pound;20,000 would not be too much.</p>
+
+    <p>"POTTER."&mdash;Something good may he done in Land Rails, if
+    you can get near enough. Have a shot at them by all means.</p>
+
+    <p>"PRACTICAL JOKER."&mdash;Quite right. Sell them.</p>
+
+    <p>"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the
+    difference between Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us
+    how much he expects to receive in each case, the mere
+    calculation of the difference will be an easy matter; but to
+    receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the
+    "distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may
+    be summed up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it
+    now, or wait till you get it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"A PUZZLED ONE."&mdash;Sell everything.</p>
+
+    <p>"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."&mdash;Yes. A Loan.</p>
+
+    <p>"LAMBKIN."&mdash;Part with No. 2, &amp;c., but take care of
+    No. 1.</p>
+
+    <p>"INSIDER."&mdash;Get out.</p>
+
+    <p>"TOTTIE TOTTS."&mdash;Here for private consultation from 5
+    to 7 P.M.</p>
+
+    <p>"RICHARD."&mdash;<i>Buy</i> Bizzy B's, <i>Sell</i> Early
+    P's, and Spoiled Fives. <i>Buy</i> Jingoes.</p>
+
+    <p>"BRUNO."&mdash;"Bear" your burdens.</p>
+
+    <p>"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."&mdash;Send photo at once. Cannot
+    advise until we know your figure.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"CROESUS,</p>
+
+            <p>E.C."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+       id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/234.png"
+             alt="Conscientiousness" /></a>
+
+        <h3>CONSCIENTIOUSNESS</h3>.
+
+        <p><i>Miss Fitzogre</i>. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE
+        A GOOD BOY!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Percival (a very good boy, who has just been
+        specially warned not to make personal remarks about People
+        in their presence</i>). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL NURSE WHAT
+        I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A JUBILEE GREETING!</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Set to a Song from Sir Walter
+    Scott</i>.)</p>
+
+    <p class="center">NOVEMBER 9, 1891.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Punch (for self and everybody)
+    loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My Prince, 'tis for our coming King</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We all lift glass in hand;</p>
+
+            <p>For him that loud hurrahs do ring</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To-day all round the land,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All round a loyal land!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Let sycophantish slave kotoo;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You love not such display;</p>
+
+            <p>Let courtiers cringe and creatures "boo."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis not our English way,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis not our English way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As FLORA to Prince CHARLIE bent</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It is no shame to bow;</p>
+
+            <p>And you're a man to be content</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With man's respect, I trow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With man's respect, I trow.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For Fifty Years we've known you, Sir,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And liked you. Love is free!</p>
+
+            <p>That's why the land is all astir,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To hail your Jubilee,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To hail your Jubilee.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Forty-Six <i>Punch</i> pictured you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"A Sailor every
+            inch,"<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a>
+               <a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p>Toasting "Mamma!" in a stiff brew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without a sign of flinch,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without one sign of flinch.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Seventy-One he stood beside</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your door in sad
+            "Suspense."<a id="footnotetag2"
+               name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p>We saw the turn in that dark tide</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With thankfulness intense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With gratitude intense.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>From stage to stage your course he's marked</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Abroad as eke at home;</p>
+
+            <p>Where'er you've travelled, toiled, skylarked;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And now mid-age has come,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And now mid-age has come.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Come as it comes to all. Most true!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But, "let the galled jade wince,"</p>
+
+            <p>Still <i>Punch's</i> pencil pictures you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As every inch a Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yes, every inch a Prince!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And now your Jubilee we greet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With hearty English joy,</p>
+
+            <p>Who, as those Fifty Years did fleet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have watched you, man and boy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have watched you, man and boy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When all is done that Prince can do,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All is <i>not</i> done in vain.</p>
+
+            <p>That's why we drink Good Health to you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Again and eke again,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Again and eke again!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Punch</i> turns him round and right about,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And leads the British roar</p>
+
+            <p>Which rises in one loyal shout,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Health to the Prince once more!</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Health to him evermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And health to her, the unfading flower</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From Denmark, o'er the foam.</p>
+
+            <p><i>Ad multos annos</i>, grace, and power,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Love, and a Happy Home,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Love, and a Happy Home!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now youth has gone, and manhood come,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your Jubilee we keep,</p>
+
+            <p>Good-will shall strike detraction dumb,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And sound from deep to deep,</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">My Prince,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From white-cliff'd deep to deep!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>AN APPARENTLY HARD CASE.&mdash;Miss Print is responsible for
+    a great deal. The other day a tender-hearted person read in a
+    daily paper, that a stranger "arriving in Paris, did not even
+    know where to go and die." How sad! But the compositor had only
+    omitted the "n" from the last word of the sentence. So it
+    wasn't so bad after all, though for the stranger bad
+    enough.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Music's the Food."&mdash;At the Savoy Hotel the band of
+    Herr WURMS is advertised to perform during dinner. The name of
+    the dinner might follow suit, and be entitled "The Diet of
+    Wurms, for Gentle and Simple." Of course the band of Herr WURMS
+    is an attraction; "Wurms for bait," eh?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+       id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/235.png"
+             alt="A Jubilee Greeting!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A JUBILEE GREETING!</h3>
+
+        <p>MR. PUNCH (<i>for self and everybody</i>). "HEARTY
+        CONGRATULATIONS, SIR!&mdash;KNOWN YOU FIFTY YEARS, AND LIKE
+        YOU BETTER THAN EVER!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+       id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/237a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237a.png"
+             alt="A kindly view of it." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A KINDLY VIEW OF IT.</h3>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>First Rustic</i> (<i>to Second
+        Ditto</i>). "OH, I SAY! AIN'T HE FOND OF HIS HORSE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>IO TRIUMPHE!</h3>
+
+    <h4>OR, GREEK FOR HEIFER!</h4>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By an Old Boy.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/237b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237b.png"
+             alt="Arcadian piper and dancing sheep." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thee, Camus, reverend renown</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thy grateful votaries seek,</p>
+
+            <p>Foil'd are the Vandals who'd "send down"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Genius of Greek.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For Culture's jewell'd master-key</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They cupboard pick-locks tend,</p>
+
+            <p>And in the cult of Mammon see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Learning's true aim and end;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pit shallow youth's impatient fuss</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the grit of CATO,</p>
+
+            <p>Set IBSEN up for &AElig;SCHYLUS,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And OLLENDORFF for PLATO;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For songs august of heroes sung,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And epic hosts embattled,</p>
+
+            <p>Enforce some pidgin-Latin tongue</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By every waiter prattled;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For nymphs, where o'er the fragrant pines</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A sea-bright sun uprises,</p>
+
+            <p>Their fancy plays round primmest lines</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of prigs receiving prizes.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>From Sir JOHN CHEKE to Dr. JEBB,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From CALVERLEY to MILTON,</p>
+
+            <p>Clear spirits burst the Sophist-web,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And rent the rook they built on.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>WELLDON is falsely named in this,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For sure, in slighting Greek, he</p>
+
+            <p>Will Learning's final blessing miss,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her
+            <i>&kappa;&alpha;&lambda;&omega;&sigmaf;
+            &pi;&epsilon;&pi;&omicron;&iota;&eta;&kappa;&epsilon;</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What though the urchin deem it "rot"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Such hasty views we stoop'd to,</p>
+
+            <p>Not seeing how on earth they got</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Tetummenos</i> from <i>Tupto</i>)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Still let us learn, not beastly facts,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The field of any booby,</p>
+
+            <p>But how thought acts and interacts,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And contraries can true be.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though on oblivion's barren shores</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He give it quick sepulture,</p>
+
+            <p>Still through reluctant passman's pores</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Instil the dew of culture.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Still give us of the rills divine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That flow from haunted Helicon,</p>
+
+            <p>Nor rend thyself to feed the swine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Like a perverted Pelican.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Keep far the time when every bee</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That booms in every bonnet,</p>
+
+            <p>Shall find a chair of Apiary,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And drone long lectures on it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Still the large light and sweetness seek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of KEATS'S raptured vision,</p>
+
+            <p>(Or KEATE'S)&mdash;till Greek at last meets
+            Greek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In brotherhood Elysian.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A NEW TREASURE FOR. THE TREASURER OF
+    BARTHOLOMEW'S.&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch</i>, G.P.E., General
+    President of Everything, begs to congratulate Professor HUBERT
+    HERKOMER, R.A.M.A., on his admirable portrait of Sir SYDNEY
+    HEDLEY, and now, not only HEDLEY, but Full-Lengthly WATERLOW,
+    Bart., of "Bart's," which H.R.H. correctly described as "a very
+    fine work of Art, painted by one of our most eminent artists."
+    Such approbation of Sir HUBERT HERKOMER is praise indeed!
+    <i>Mr. Punch</i>, G.P.E., prefixes the "Sir" prophetically. For
+    the present it may be taken as the last syllable, detached, of
+    "Profes-sir"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"WELLS, I NEVER!"&mdash;"Mr. WELLS," says the <i>Times</i>
+    Correspondent, "has made 250,000 francs" (up to now), and "last
+    year he made &pound;20,000." Talk of the waters at various
+    drinking or health-resorts abroad, why, their fame is as
+    nothing compared with the unprecedented success of the WELLS of
+    Monte Carlo. How the other chaps who lose must be like LEECH'S
+    old gent "a cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two
+    extremes at Monte Carlo may be expressed by the name of a
+    well-known shopkeeping London firm, <i>i.e.</i>, SWEARS AND
+    WELLS.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+       id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238.png"
+             alt="Mr. Punch at the Potteries." /></a>
+
+        <h4>ON TOUR. MR. PUNCH AT THE POTTERIES.</h4>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+       id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>NOTHING LIKE LABOR.</h3>(<i>A Pleasant Prospect suggested
+    by the evidence taken before the Royal Commission</i>.)
+
+    <p>And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had
+    passed the night, and made for the town. It was early morning,
+    and he thought he could possibly get something to do at the
+    baker's.</p>
+
+    <p>"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it
+    is all over for the next two days. The trade only allows four
+    hours, so we begin at eight on one night, and carry it on until
+    four on the following morning. People get their loaves a little
+    stale, but old bread is said to be good for the digestion!"</p>
+
+    <p>So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built
+    house. The workmen had left, but there was still a watchman on
+    the premises.</p>
+
+    <p>"Want to work! Why <i>what</i> are you thinking about! Why,
+    our trade only allows two hours a day, so we build a house by
+    laying foundation-stones. It is rather slow, but very
+    sure."</p>
+
+    <p>So the starving man continued his journey. He was
+    unsuccessful at every trade centre. One industry allowed its
+    members to work only for three hours a day, another two, a
+    third four, and so on. There was only one exception to the
+    rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity.
+    The undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the
+    twenty-four. Even the public-houses were closed at noon. The
+    workhouses and casual wards were never empty.</p>
+
+    <p>But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered
+    his drooping spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!"
+    Then he retired to his rather damp quarters in the country
+    ditch!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Literary Intelligence.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Airy opening of article by</i> Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, <i>a
+    rising young author</i>. "Asked by Editor of <i>Magazin des
+    Louvres</i> to let him have a paper on Art as Applied to
+    Drapery&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Note by the Agonised Editor</i> (<i>who has been
+    struggling with MS. for several hours</i>). "And he <i>did</i>
+    let me have it, with a vengeance!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/239a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239a.png"
+             alt="A scene at the Lucullus." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS."</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Blunderby</i>. "Now, MY DEAR MONTY, LET ME ORDER
+        THE LUNCHEON AR-LA-FRAINGSY. GASSONG! I WISH TO
+        BEGIN&mdash;AS WE ALWAYS DO IN PARIS, MY DEARS&mdash;WITH
+        SOME <i>CHEF-D'OEUVRES</i>&mdash;YOU UNDERSTAND&mdash;SOME
+        <i>CHEF-D'OEUVRES."</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Emile, the Waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him
+        however, presently that the Lady probably means "Hors
+        d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly</i>.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/239b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239b.png"
+             alt="An Astronomer Loyal." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. EDITOR,</p>
+
+    <p>What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is
+    the meaning of this heading to a paragraph in the <i>Times</i>
+    of Tuesday, Nov. 3:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before
+    heard of the Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It
+    is true that the duplicity is said to be only "apparent" or
+    alleged, but this is doubtless due to the precaution of the
+    scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have often
+    been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better.
+    A "Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the
+    presence of a friend and admirer in the Stalls or in the
+    charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body to be guilty of
+    duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body, is
+    too much. No more will the simple lines</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!"
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such
+    light conduct, then shall we, have to read</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Wink, O wink, you little Star!"
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations
+    they make. To what a state of things are we coming, when at
+    night all the sublunary world is nodding, and the Stars above
+    are winking. If there's duplicity in a Satellite of Jupiter,
+    how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any trust in
+    the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers,
+    astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the
+    painful subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the <i>Times</i>
+    for exposing duplicity in the highest places. Imagine treachery
+    in Aurora Borealis! What an awful flirt she would be!! How
+    she'd "wink the other eye!"</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Yours,<br />
+         AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>FROM MASHONALAND.&mdash;Inspired by the success of ARTHUR
+    B., of DE GORSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND
+    WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates a surprise return to his own
+    native land and to Parliamentary life. He announces his
+    intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord NIL
+    DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>FINAL.&mdash;The <i>Daily Chronicle</i> says it does not
+    regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of the Puritans of finance. Well, no,
+    perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance&mdash;like his
+    manner&mdash;is rather
+    <i>Cavalier</i>!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+       id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ONLY FANCY!</h3>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/240a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240a.png"
+             alt="Farmer Atkinson" /></a> Farmer Atkinson.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist
+    Conference, has been supplying the United States with
+    interesting illustrations of House of Commons manners.
+    Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists, members of
+    which body were largely represented in his audience, are
+    "impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr.
+    FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., found it necessary to explain that he
+    had used the term "simply in a Parliamentary sense." We learn
+    by special Zadkiel telegram that, on emerging from the Hall
+    after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), bringing
+    down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr.
+    FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction
+    that temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.</p>
+
+    <p>"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P.,
+    struggling out of the wreck of his hat.</p>
+
+    <p>"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev.
+    HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed
+    controversy.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work
+    for weekdays. From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on
+    Strategy and Tactics to Generals over forty years old. From
+    eight to ten he instructs the chief actors, musicians and
+    painters of Berlin in the principles of their respective arts.
+    The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation of
+    his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of
+    large-paper copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he
+    reviews regiments, cashiers colonels, captures fortresses,
+    carries his own dispatches to himself, and makes speeches of
+    varying length to all who will listen to him. Any professional
+    reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's words is
+    immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless
+    powder. From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses
+    Ministers and officials, dictates state-papers to General
+    CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How I pricked the
+    Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty teaches
+    schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their
+    families, bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how
+    to prepare dinners. The rest of the day he devotes to himself.
+    On Thursday next His Majesty leaves Berlin on his tenth visit
+    to the European Courts.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is
+    arranging a Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the
+    members and connections of his family for whom he has found
+    places during his term of office. It is well known that the
+    accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is
+    comparatively limited.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the
+    House of Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from
+    political life. His personal experience during the Cork
+    Election has convinced him that no man over 5 ft. 8 in. can
+    safely take part in active politics.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew
+    harmless over the heads of the crowd, invariably struck me,"
+    said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with the bandage over his left
+    eyebrow.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr.
+    GUTTERIDGE was not present when the final result of the polling
+    in the Strand was made known, and that it was explained to the
+    reporter he had been "called out to see a patient." The
+    suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless contest was
+    designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only
+    of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no
+    patients to call him out&mdash;even from Church.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER
+    BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is about to retire from his supervision of
+    universal affairs exercised through the Special Paris Wire of a
+    contemporary. We are glad to learn that this intention does not
+    in any case imply absolute disappearance from the European
+    Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has
+    been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of
+    Bulgaria. His keen insight into European politics has convinced
+    him that this arrangement would afford a settlement of an
+    ever-ruffled question. He has, we understand, stipulated that
+    the Principality shall be raised to the status of a Kingdom. "I
+    have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who approached him
+    on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with
+    Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish
+    out of water."</p>
+
+    <p>With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER
+    BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has recognised the inconvenience that would be
+    imposed on his subjects, if, in daily use, they were obliged to
+    refer to him by his full title. He will, therefore, deign to be
+    known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official
+    communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN
+    MORLEY, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and
+    asked him to name a friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman
+    "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and that the two seconds have
+    arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour doubtless arose
+    out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between the
+    two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the
+    <i>Times</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of
+    acceptance by the Prince of WALES, as President of
+    Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the portrait of Sir SYDNEY
+    WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a prominent
+    position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately
+    in front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some
+    misunderstanding, people, on entering, not at first knowing
+    which was the portrait, and which was Sir SYDNEY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/240b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240b.png"
+             alt="Paddy Rewski, the Pianist." /></a>
+
+        <p>Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to
+        America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn
+        him into musical pieces at St. James's Hall.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>First Voice.</i> I hear that you wish to give your
+    evidence before this Commission?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Voice.</i> Certainly, that is my desire. I am here
+    to speak in the name of my fellow-labourers,
+    and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in
+    favour of Trade Unions?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second V.</i> I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet
+    in mighty conflict, there is only&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And you
+    believe that strikes are beneficial?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second V.</i> I do consider them beneficial, most
+    beneficial. I feel that labour must have its rights, and that
+    the white dove of liberty has only to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in
+    favour of arbitration?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second V.</i> No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the
+    beggars, then the cry of labour rises on the stilly night,
+    and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask
+    to what trade you belong?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second V.</i> I belong to none. Every thinking and
+    right-minded man should care for his fellows as himself. Like
+    an eagle on a snow-capped mountain, he should&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we
+    ask, if you belong to no trade, what is your occupation?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second V.</i> My occupation is to talk
+    to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.&mdash;The
+    Novel that <i>Mr. Punch</i> so recently praised, entitled
+    <i>Tim</i>, is neither Irish nor political. Both sides can buy
+    and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of adapting
+    DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas
+    book, to be entitled <i>Tiny Tim.</i></p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>OLD TIMES REVIVED.&mdash;The New Lord Mayor. Gracious
+    EVANS!! "And," asks a middle-aged Correspondent, "during this
+    Mayoralty will the Munching House be known as EVANS'S?"</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a> <b>Footnote 1</b>:
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI.,
+        Sept. 26, 1846.</p><a id="footnote2"
+                    name="footnote2"></a> <b>Footnote 2</b>:
+                    <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23,
+        1871.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:8em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</b></p><br clear="all" />
+
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1619 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 14th, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14074]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 14th, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+No. VI.--TO VANITY.
+
+
+DEAR VANITY,
+
+I think I can see you smirking and posturing before the abstract mirror,
+which is your constant companion. It pleases you, no doubt, to think that
+anybody should pay you the compliment of making you the object and the
+subject of a whole letter. Perhaps when you have read it to the end you
+will alter your mood, since it cannot please you to listen to the truth
+about yourself. None of those whom you infect here below ever did like it.
+Sometimes, to be sure, it had to be endured with many grimaces, but it was
+extraordinary to note how the clouds caused by the aggravated truth-teller
+passed away as soon as his departure had enabled the object of these
+reproaches to recover his or her false self again. What boots it, after
+all, to tell the truth? For those whom you protect are clad in armour,
+which is proof against the sharpest lance, and they can thus bid defiance
+to all the clumsy attacks of the merely honest and downright--for a time;
+but in the end their punishment comes, not always in the manner that their
+friends predict, but none the less inevitable in one manner or another. For
+they all fashion a ridiculous monster out of affectations, strivings and
+falsehoods, and label it "Myself;" and in the end the monster takes breath,
+and lives and crushes his despised maker, and immediately vanishes into
+space.
+
+Permit me to proceed in my usual way, and to offer you an example or two.
+And I begin with HERMIONE MAYBLOOM. HERMIONE was one of a large family of
+delightful daughters. Their father was the well-known Dr. MAYBLOOM, who was
+Dean of Archester Cathedral. His massive and convincing volumes on _The
+Fauna and Flora of the Mosaic Books in their Relation to Modern Botanical
+Investigation_, must be within your recollection. It was followed, you
+remember, by _The Dean's Duty_, which, being published at a time when there
+was, so to speak, a boom in religious novels, was ordered by many readers
+under the impression that it was likely to upset their mature religious
+convictions by its assaults on orthodoxy. Their disappointment when two
+stout tomes, dealing historically with the _status_ and duties of Deans,
+were delivered to them, was the theme of cheerful comment amongst the
+light-hearted members of the Dean's own family.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Was there ever in this world so delightful a family circle as that of the
+Deanery? The daughters were all pretty, but that was their smallest merit.
+They were all clever, and well-read, without a tinge of the bluestocking,
+and most of them were musical to the tips of their slender fingers. How
+merrily their laughter used to ring across the ancient close, and how
+playfully and gently they used to rally the dear learned old Dean who had
+watched over them and cared for them since Mrs. MAYBLOOM'S death, many
+years before, with all the tender care of the most devoted mother. And of
+this fair and smiling throng, "my only rosary," as the Dean used to call
+them, HERMIONE was, I think, the prettiest, as she was certainly the most
+accomplished. Every kind of gift had been showered upon her by Nature. When
+she played her violin, accompanied by her elder sister on the piano, tears
+trickled unbidden down the aquiline nose of the militant Bishop of
+Archester, the chapter stood hushed to a man, and the surrounding curates
+were only prevented by a salutary fear of ruining their chances of
+preferment from laying themselves, their pittances, and their garnered
+store of slippers at her pretty feet. Then in a fit of charming petulance,
+she would break off in the middle of the piece, lay down her violin, and,
+with a pretty imperiousness, command a younger sister to fetch her zither,
+on which to complete the subjugation of her adorers. And then her
+caricatures--summer-lightning flashes of pencilled wit, as I heard the
+Reverend SIMEON COPE describe them in a moment of enthusiasm after she had
+shown us her sketch of his rival, the Reverend STEPHEN HANKINSON.
+
+But even in those days, while she still had about her all the fascinations
+of peerless beauty and fresh and glowing youth, I mistrusted her. Alone of
+all the sisters she seemed to me to be wanting in heart. I heard her
+several times attempt to snub her father, and once I noted how she spent a
+whole evening in moody silence, and refused to play a note, for no other
+reason that I could see except that Captain ARBLAST, of the 30th Lancers,
+the dashing first-born of the Bishop, who happened to be spending a few
+days of his long leave in Archester, devoted himself with all the assiduity
+of his military nature to twirling his heavy moustache in the immediate
+neighbourhood of SOPHY MAYBLOOM, and not in that of HERMIONE. Indeed, I
+have reason to know that, after the guests had departed, poor SOPHY had to
+endure from her sister a dreadful scene, the harsh details of which have
+not yet faded from her memory. And then I remembered, too, how it was a
+matter of family chaff against HERMIONE that once, not very long after she
+had entered upon her teens, she had sobbed convulsively through a whole
+night, because she had discovered that her juvenile arms were thin and
+mottled, and she imagined that she would never be able to wear a low dress,
+or shine in Society.
+
+Such, then, was the beautiful HERMIONE, who for some years rode rough-shod
+over the hearts of all the males in Archester. Space fails me to enumerate
+all her engagements. She broke them one after another without a thought,
+and cast her admirers away as if they had been dresses of last year's
+fashion. Most of them, it must be said, recovered quickly enough, but the
+miserable COPE became a hopeless hypochondriac, and never smiled again. He
+died the other day, and HERMIONE's sketch of HANKINSON was found, frayed
+and soiled, in an ancient pocket-book which he always carried about with
+him. HANKINSON'S fate seemed at first to be worse. He took to poetry,
+morbid, passionate, yearning, unhealthy poetry, of the skimmed SWINBURNE
+variety, and for a time was gloomy enough. Having, however, engaged in a
+paper conflict with one of his critics, he forgot his sorrows, and though
+he still declares an overwhelming desire for death and oblivion about six
+times a year, in various magazines, he seemed, when I last saw him, fairly
+comfortable and happy. But, of course, he has never secured a vicarage.
+
+To return to HERMIONE. She at last married a certain Mr. PARDOE, a
+barrister practising on the Archester Circuit, and established herself in
+town. Shortly afterwards she became the rage. Her beauty, her wit, her
+music, her dinners, her diamonds, were spoken of with enthusiasm. All the
+elderly _roues_, whose leathery hearts had been offered up at hundreds of
+shrines, became her temporary slaves. She coaxed them, cajoled them, and
+fooled them, did this innocent daughter of a simple-minded Dean, to the top
+of their various bents. She schemed successfully against countless rivals,
+in order to maintain her pre-eminence in the admiration of her circle. Her
+ambition knew no bounds. She changed her so-called friends every week; she
+cultivated grand passions for actors, authors, musicians, and even for
+professors. Sometimes she played to select audiences with all her old
+ravishing skill, but this happened more and more rarely, until at last she
+utterly declined, and even went so far as to flout H.S.H. the Duke of
+KALBSKOPF, who had been specially invited to meet her.
+
+Then suddenly came the crash. She left her husband, in company with CHARLIE
+FITZHUBERT, the heir presumptive to the wealthy earldom of Battersea. On
+the following day Mr. PARDOE blew out his brains, leaving ten thousand
+pounds of debt and three young children. Six months afterwards the
+venerable Dean died, and sentimental people spoke of a broken heart. Then
+the Earl of BATTERSEA, in a fit of indignation, married, and was blessed
+with a son, the present Earl. CHARLIE FITZHUBERT married HERMIONE, but they
+are as poor as curates, and he hates her. I saw her two days ago in a
+shabby hired carriage. She is getting prematurely old, and grey, and
+wrinkled, and everybody avoids her, except her sister SOPHY, who still
+visits her, and suffers her ill-humour.
+
+Charming story, isn't it? I shall write again soon.
+
+Yours, in the meantime,
+DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHT-MAILING.--"Night Mail between London and Paris" has been recently
+announced in all the papers as now ready and willing to take night-mailers
+from Victoria, L.C. & D., to the French Capital. It is to be a Third-class
+Night Mail, though a Knight of the First Class can, of course, travel by it
+should he be so disposed. Thirty shillings through fare for "a single;" but
+as the tariff doesn't explicitly inform us whether the passenger will be
+asked the question, "Married or single?" and so be charged accordingly, we
+may presume that a margin is left for a little surprise. The train of Night
+Mails--a kind of gay bachelor train, no females being of the party--is to
+start at 8:15 P.M., and to be in Paris at 5:50 A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAWING THE BADGER.
+
+(_A Natural History Note_.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Badger (_Meles-Taxus_) is at once one of the most inoffensive and (in
+one sense) offensive of our few remaining British Carnivora. He is
+described by NAPIER of Merchiston, in his _Book of Nature and of Man_, as a
+"quiet nocturnal beast, but if much 'badgered' becoming obstinate, and
+fighting to the last, in which it is a type of a large class of Britons,
+who like to be let alone, but when ill used can fight."
+
+That great new authority on Natural History, Mr. G.A. HENTY (author of
+_Those Other Animals_), should be able to tell us much about the Badger.
+Therewith he would be able, in his own favourite fashion, to "point a
+moral" (against the Demogorgon Democracy), and "adorn a tale" (of laboured
+waggery). He might find the subject as suggestive of sardonic chaff as
+American women and Republican institutions.
+
+What says the popular WOOD? He describes the Badger as "slow and clumsy in
+its actions," and as "rolling along so awkwardly that it may easily be
+mistaken for a young pig in the dusk of the evening." Woe, however, to
+whomsoever _does_ take the creature for "a young pig." "Being naturally as
+harmless an animal as can be imagined, it is a terrible antagonist when
+provoked to use the means of defence with which it is so well provided."
+
+  We tax the patience of poor _Meles-Taxus_,
+  Until he turns with tooth and claws and whacks us.
+  The natural home of _Taxus_--the Exchequer--
+  Harbours a creature that keeps up its pecker.
+
+"For the purpose of so-called 'sport,' the Badger used to be captured and
+put into a cage ready to be tormented; at the cruel will of every ruffian
+who might chose to risk his dog against the sharp teeth of the captive
+animal."
+
+This particular sort of "sport" is a little out of date. But "drawing a
+Badger" is not unknown even in these humanitarian days. Dogs will sometimes
+voluntarily rush in to risk their hides and muzzles against the aforesaid
+sharp teeth, &c. Look at those in the picture!
+
+The two small, if aggressive, terriers seem unequally matched against the
+"clumsy" but strong-jawed and terribly-toothed Badger. They have drawn him,
+indeed, out of his hole, and one of them, at least, seems rather sorry for
+it, if you may judge by the way in which he turns tail and makes for his
+protector, the big Bull-Terrier. The ventripotent broken-haired tyke looks
+more valorous--for the moment. Yap! yap! yap! _Meles-Taxus_ takes little
+notice of him, however. His eyes are on that sturdy specimen of _Canis
+familiaris_ there, whose bold eyes in turn are on _him_. Both, perhaps,
+experience--
+
+  That stern joy which warriors feel
+  In foemen worthy of their steel."
+
+"Drawn by those two tiny yelpers? Not a bit of it! But _you_, my complacent
+canine Colossus--come on if you dare!" And he _does_ dare, evidently.
+Whether he'll regret his daring remains to be seen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Memory of Milton.
+
+  MILTON forgotten? Nay, my BESANT, nay;
+  Not wholly, even in this petty day,
+  When learning snips, when criticism snaps,
+  And the great bulk of readers feed on scraps.
+  Still, still he finds his "audience fit, though few,"
+  The rest _forget_ not since they never knew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book.
+
+Have you caught a fish?
+
+No, but I have bagged a cannon-ball.
+
+Is the sea too rough for your boat?
+
+No, the sea is not too rough, but the Torpedoes are decidedly embarrassing.
+
+Is that a pretty shell that you are going to carry home to your children?
+
+No, it is a live one, that, if it bursts a yard nearer, will blow us into
+smithereens.
+
+Do you propose returning to your lodging to-night?
+
+That is a matter that will be decided by the Commander of the nearest
+practising gun-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH GREEK.
+
+_First Classic_. "BY THE WAY, HADN'T DANTE GOT ANOTHER NAME?"
+
+_Second Classic_. "YES; ALFIERI, I THINK--OR ELSE ALIGHIERI."
+
+_First Classic_. "AH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD A NOTION IT WAS GABRIEL
+ROSSETTI, OR SOMETHING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTTING REMARKS.
+
+[Illustration: Tied to Time.]
+
+Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES has taken a theatre wherein to play his own plays to
+his own taste. On the first night of _The Crusaders_ this taste was not
+exactly the taste of the audience. Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES seemed to object
+to be tied to time, and the result was the prompt appearance of that
+terrible conqueror of things terrestrial, General Boredom. Since the
+initial performance, it is reported that matters have gone on more
+smoothly. According to the "usual sources of information" the dramatist has
+been cheered on leaving his theatre, and heartily congratulated. On one
+occasion he actually supplemented his piece with a speech! Apparently he
+was under the impression that there could not be too much of a good
+thing--JONES for choice! It may be that since the first performance, there
+has been some curtailment made in the play. To judge from appearances it
+was a question of cutting--either the author the play, or the public the
+theatre!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE A NEW SPEC.--We have just received a prospectus of a Company entitled
+"_The Monarch Insurance Society_." Of course, all the Crowned Heads of
+Europe will be in it. We haven't yet read it, the title being sufficient
+for the present. _Ca donne a penser_. Will it provide New Monarchs for old
+ones? Will it give good sovereigns in exchange for bad ones? If so--where
+will the profit come in?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRENCH AS SHE IS "WRIT."
+
+The _Standard's_ own Vienna Correspondent, when reporting the unpleasant
+incident in the life of the Duc d'ORLEANS, told us how the Prince, on
+unwittingly "accepting service," said to the astute lawyer's clerk, "Mais,
+Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment." To which the clerk replied, "also in
+French," says the _Standard_, "One time is as good as another." But why was
+not the lawyer's clerk's French as she is spoke given as well as that of M.
+le Duc? And how much more telling it would have been had M. le Duc been
+served well and faithfully by a clerk like _Perker's Mr. Lowten_, fresh,
+very fresh, from a carouse at the "Magpie and Stump," or even by one of
+_Messrs. Dodson and Fog's_ young men who enjoyed themselves so much when "a
+twigging" of the virtuous _Mr. Pickwick_.
+
+"Mais, Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment," says the Duke, to which our _Mr.
+Lowten_ would have replied in Magpie-and-Stumping French, "Eggskewsy moy,
+Mossoo, le Dook, ung Tom is aussy bong qu'ung autre. Mossoo ler Dook ar
+maintenong peruse ler documong; voici le copy et voila two. Bonsoir, il
+faut que je l'accroche."
+
+Whereupon he would have "hooked it," as it appears this particular lawyer's
+clerk did, and was not seen again. No doubt he joined a circle of admiring
+friends in the legal neighbourhood (some Magpies-and-Stumps still exist),
+where, over a glass and a cigar, he recounted the merry tale of how he had
+served a Duke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The relation of Hypnotiser to the Hypnotised at the Aquarium may be simply
+described as "GERMANE to the subject.'
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG AND CHORUS FOR THE COUNTY COUNCIL ON NEXT DEBATE ON THE WATER
+SUPPLY--"Young BENN he was a nice young man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS
+
+No. XIV.
+
+SCENE--_Gardens belonging to the Hotel du Parc, Lugano. Time, afternoon;
+the orchestra is tuning up in a kiosk._ CULCHARD _is seated on a bench in
+the shade, keeping an anxious eye upon the opposite door._
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). She said she had a headache, and made her father
+and VAN BOODELER go out on the lake without her. But she certainly gave me
+to understand that she might come out when the band played, if she felt
+better. The question is, whether she _means_ to feel better or not. She is
+the most tantalising girl! _I_ don't know what to make of her. Not a single
+reference, as yet, to that last talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I
+can't recall it to her memory--if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance
+of it--we are not likely to be dis--. Confound it all--PODBURY! (_with
+suppressed irritation as_ PODBURY _comes up_). Well, do you _want_ anything
+in particular?
+
+_Podb._ (_cheerfully, as he sits down_). Only the pleasure of your society,
+old chap. How nicely you do put things!
+
+_Culch._ The--er--fact is, I can't promise to be a particularly lively
+companion just now.
+
+_Podb._ Not by way of a change? Ah, well, it's a pity--but I must put up
+with you as you are, I suppose. You see--(_with a grin_)--I've got that vow
+to work out.
+
+_Culch._ Possibly--but _I_ haven't. As I've already told you--I retire.
+
+_Podb._ Wobbled back to Miss TROTTER again, eh? Matter of taste, of course,
+but, for my part, I think your _first_ impression of her was nearer the
+truth--she's not what I call a highly cultivated sort of girl, y' know.
+
+_Culch._ You are naturally exacting on that point, but have the goodness to
+leave my first impressions alone, and--er--frankly, PODBURY, I see no
+necessity (_now_, at all events) to take that ridiculous--hum--penance
+_too_ literally. We are _travelling_ together, and I imagine that is enough
+for Miss PRENDERGAST.
+
+_Podb._ It's enough for _me_--especially when you make yourself so doosid
+amiable as this. You needn't alarm yourself--you won't have any more of my
+company than I can help; only I _must_ say, for two fellows who came out to
+do a tour _together_, it's-- [_Walks away, grumbling._
+
+_Later. The band has finished playing;_ Miss TROTTER _is on the bench with_
+CULCHARD.
+
+_Miss T._ And you mean to tell me you've never met anybody since you even
+cared to converse with?
+
+_Culch._ (_diplomatically_). Does that strike you as so very incredible?
+
+_Miss T._ Well, it strikes me as just a _little_ too thin. I judged you'd
+go away, and forget I ever existed.
+
+[Illustration: "Ah, how little you know me!"]
+
+_Culch._ (_with tender reproach_). How little you know me! I may not be
+an--er--demonstrative man, my--er--feelings are not easily roused, but,
+once roused, well--(_wounded_)--I think I may claim to possess an ordinary
+degree of constancy!
+
+_Miss T._ Well, I'm sure I _ought_ to feel it a vurry high compliment to
+have you going round grieving all this time on _my_ account.
+
+_Culch._ Grieving! Ah, if I could only _tell_ you what I went through!
+(_Decides, on reflection, that the less he says about this the better._)
+But all that is past. And now may I not expect a more definite answer to
+the question I asked at Bingen? Your reply then was--well, a little
+ambiguous.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's got to be just about as ambiguous now--there don't
+seem anything I _can_ say. There's times when I feel as if it might be sort
+of elevating and improving to have you shining around; and there's other
+times when I suspect that, if it went on for any considerable period,
+likely I'd weaken. I'm not just sure. And I can't ever make myself believe
+but what you're disapproving of me, inside of you, most all the time!
+
+_Culch._ Pray dismiss such--er--morbid misgivings, dear Miss TROTTER. Show
+that you do so by accepting me as your guide and companion through life!
+
+_Miss T._ My! but that sounds like a proposal?
+
+_Culch._ I intended it to bear that--er--construction. It _is_ a
+proposal--made after the fullest reflection.
+
+_Miss T._ I'm ever so obliged. But we don't fix things quite that way in my
+country. We want to feel pretty sure, first, we shann't get left. And it
+don't seem to me as if I'd had opportunities enough of studying your
+leading characteristics. I'll have to study them some more before I know
+whereabouts I am; and I want you to understand that I'm not going to commit
+myself to anything at present. That mayn't be sentiment, but I guess it's
+common-sense, anyway. And all _you_'ve got to do is, just to keep around,
+and kind of impress me with a conviction that you're the vurry brightest
+and best man in the entire universe, and I don't believe you'll find much
+difficulty about _that_. And now I guess we'll go into _table d'hote_--I'm
+just as _ravenous_!
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows her_). Really, this is not much better
+than RUSKIN, after all. But I don't despair. That last remark was
+distinctly encouraging!
+
+SCENE--_A large Salle a Manger, decorated in the Pompeian style. Table
+d'hote has begun._ CULCHARD _is seated between_ Miss TROTTER _and a large
+and conversational stranger. Opposite are three empty chairs._
+
+_Culchard's Neighbour_. Then you're going on to Venice? Well, you take _my_
+advice. When you get there, you ask for tunny. Don't forget--_tunny_!
+
+_Culch._ (_who wants to talk to_ Miss T.) Tunny? Thank you. I--er--will
+certainly remember his name, if I require a guide.
+
+_His N._ A guide? No, no--tunny's a _fish_, Sir, a coarse red fish, with
+flesh like a raw beefsteak.
+
+_Culch._ Is that so? Then I will make a point of asking for it--if I want
+raw beefsteak. [_Attempts to turn to_ Miss T.
+
+_His N._ That's what _I_ did when I was at Venice. I sent for the Manager.
+He came. I said to him. "Look here, I'm an Englishman. My name's BELLERBY.
+(CULCHARD _bows in patient boredom._) I've heard of your Venetian tunny. I
+wish to taste it. _Bring_ me some!"
+
+_Culch._ (_crushingly_). A most excellent method of obtaining it, no doubt.
+(_To_ Waiter.) _Numero vingt-sept, demi bouteille de Chianti, et siphon!_
+
+_His N._ You don't wait till I've _done_, Sir! I _didn't_ obtain it--not at
+first. The man made excuses. I was prepared for _that_. I told him plainly,
+"I know what _you_'re thinking--it's a cheap fish, and you fancy I'm
+ordering it out of economy!"
+
+_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_). Of course, he
+naturally _would_ think so. And _that_ is how you got your tunny? I see.
+[Mr. BELLERBY _stares at him suspiciously, and decides to suppress the
+remainder of his tunny._
+
+_Miss T._ This hotel seems to be thinning some. We've three ghosts right in
+front of us this evening.
+
+_Culch._ (_turning with effusion_). So we have! My friend is one, and he'll
+be here presently, but I much prefer myself to see every seat occupied.
+There is something so depressing about a vacant chair, don't you think?
+
+_Miss T._ It's calculated to put one in mind of _Macbeth's_ little
+dinner-party, certainly. But you can cheer up, Mr. CULCHARD, here comes a
+couple of belated _Banquos._ My gracious; I _do_ like that girl's face--she
+has such a perfectly lovely expression, and looks real superior too!
+
+_Culch._ (_who has just dropped his glasses into his soup_). I--ah--which
+lady are you referring too? (_He cleans and adjusts his glasses--to
+discover that he is face to face with_ Miss HYPATIA PRENDERGAST.) Oh ...
+I--I see--precisely, quite so! (_He turns to_ BELLERBY _to cover his
+confusion and avoid meeting_ Miss PRENDERGAST'S _eye_.) I _beg_ your
+pardon, you were describing how you caught a tunny? Pray continue.
+
+_Mr. Bellerby_ (_stiffly_). Excuse me, I don't seem fortunate enough to
+have secured your undivided attention.
+
+_Culch._ (_with intense interest_). Quite the contrary, I assure you! You
+were saying you always ordered it out of economy?
+
+_Mr. B._ Pardon _me_--I was saying nothing of the sort. I was saying that I
+told the Manager I knew that was why he _thought_ I ordered it--a rather
+different thing! "You're quite wrong," I said. "You may pay
+twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown, if you like,
+but I mean to _taste_ that tunny!" I was determined not to be done out of
+my tunny, Sir!
+
+_Culch._ (_breathlessly_). And what did the tunny--I mean the Manager--say
+to _that_?
+
+_Mr. B._ Oh, made more difficulties--it wasn't to be got, and so on. At
+last I said to him (very quietly, but he saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell
+you what it _is_--I'm going to _have_ that tunny, and, if you refuse to
+give it me,--well, I shall just send my courier _out_ for it, that's all!"
+So, with, _that_, they brought me some--and anything more delicious I never
+tasted in all my life!
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). If I can only keep him on at this tunny!
+(_Aloud._) And--er--what _does_ it taste like exactly, now?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_pregnantly_), You _order_ it, Sir--_insist_ on having it. Then
+you'll _know_ what it tastes like! [_He devotes himself to his soup._
+
+_Culch._ (_with his eyes lowered--to himself_). I _must_ look up in another
+minute--and then! [_He shivers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS."
+
+One of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time is mainly
+occupied by the composition of successful novels, sends us the following,
+written by his type-writer. From this specimen it will be gathered what a
+real economy in correcting letter-press a type-writer must be.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Dear Editor
+
+    I send you my new book to reed and if you likit pleaase give me a
+    legup. The story of my other book was anti-turkish but has not yet been
+    probited in Constanple though it has reachd its tetenth edition, at
+    least the ninth is neraly all shrubshcribed bedfore it isrereaddy. If
+    my pullisher is not sasfide oughtbe. Never use pen now only typwritr so
+    much quickerin tellgible convenent an leshble
+
+      Yours
+      S SMUGGYNS
+
+It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it was, at the time
+of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or that it is a very truthfully
+phonetic-writing but somewhat indiscreet amanuensis. At the same time
+herewith and hereby every success to our friend SMUGGYNS'S new book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES FOR HIM.--When the first stone of a new theatre in Cranbourne
+Street was laid the other day by some Magnates of the Theatrical
+Profession--beg pardon, "_the_ Profession," we should have said--Mrs.
+BANCROFT made a telling impromptu speech, and then Mr. YARDLEY, ancient
+Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on the head--accidentally, of
+course--by the bottle which is in use on these occasions. "Very YARDLEY
+treated," observed Sir DRURIOLANUS, in his happiest vein. Not the first
+literary gent who, according to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry
+period, has been "cut" by ill-use of the bottle. But the unfortunate
+author's sorrows did not end with this sad blow, as, very soon afterwards,
+his dear friends the Critics, with profuse apologies for being compelled to
+handle him so severely, were down upon him for his new version of a French
+piece, entitled _The Planter_. So the logical sequence of events was, that
+first a blow was planted, and then appeared _The Planter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECCLESIASTICAL LAYMAN.--At a meeting in Rome, the "Duke di SERMONETA" took
+the chair. If ever there were a staunch Churchman, this by his name,
+rendered in English as "Sermon-devourer," should be he.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+_Telegraphic Address_--"_Croesus, E.C._"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sir,--Let me first express my financial acknowledgments to the teeming
+millions who have honoured me, and benefited themselves by seeking my
+advice since my first letter appeared last week. Communications containing
+cheques, postal orders, and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing
+torrent. The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say that
+they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full confidence that I
+would invest the proceeds to the best advantage in some of the countless
+undertakings in which I wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully
+deserved.
+
+Investors will remember that, in the course of the last German Expedition
+to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich in every mineral deposit, and
+admirably fitted for the operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat.
+42 deg., long. 65 deg.. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief
+left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over the palace
+of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of this was conveyed to
+me. I at once fitted out an Expedition _at my own expense_, placed myself
+at the head of it, and after terrible hardships, in the course of which no
+less than two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the bite
+of the poisonous _contango_ fly, or had to be mercifully dispatched by the
+hammer (a painless native form of death), in order to end their tortures, I
+succeeded in reaching the capital, where I was hospitably received by the
+king. After a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the
+kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole country
+together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties, timber, water-power,
+lakes, farm-houses, stock and manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated
+in the heart of a first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten
+packs of hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern
+comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman desiring to
+set up in the business of kingship. It matters not what I had to pay for
+this. The secret is my own, and shall go to Westminster Abbey with me. The
+point is, that with the funds entrusted to me, I have formed the
+Cent-per-Central African Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have
+allotted shares to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to
+profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial principles, and
+find it cannot be less than L100 for every L100 invested. This may seem
+small, but in these matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall
+have more to say on this subject next week.
+
+_Answers to Correspondents_.
+
+DISMAL JEMMY.--Why do you suggest that the motto of my new company should
+be, "_Stealer et fraudax_"? Is it a Latin joke? If so, don't write to me
+any more. Those who deal with _me_ must be British to the backbone.
+
+ANXIOUS.--You can't do better than send me those L50,000. I guarantee
+secrecy and quick returns. The Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes
+(Pref. deb. 492; stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay
+might be fatal.
+
+CAPITALIST.--No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; but take my advice
+and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not try the _United Bladder Mortgage
+Company_? Bladders are bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now
+at 96. _Verb. sap._ No; L20,000 would not be too much.
+
+"POTTER."--Something good may he done in Land Rails, if you can get near
+enough. Have a shot at them by all means.
+
+"PRACTICAL JOKER."--Quite right. Sell them.
+
+"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the difference between
+Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us how much he expects to receive
+in each case, the mere calculation of the difference will be an easy
+matter; but to receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the
+"distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may be summed
+up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it now, or wait till you
+get it?"
+
+"A PUZZLED ONE."--Sell everything.
+
+"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."--Yes. A Loan.
+
+"LAMBKIN."--Part with No. 2, &c., but take care of No. 1.
+
+"INSIDER."--Get out.
+
+"TOTTIE TOTTS."--Here for private consultation from 5 to 7 P.M.
+
+"RICHARD."--_Buy_ Bizzy B's, _Sell_ Early P's, and Spoiled Fives. _Buy_
+Jingoes.
+
+"BRUNO."--"Bear" your burdens.
+
+"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."--Send photo at once. Cannot advise until we know
+your figure.
+
+  "CROESUS,
+  E.C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.
+
+_Miss Fitzogre_. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE A GOOD BOY!"
+
+_Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make
+personal remarks about People in their presence_). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL
+NURSE WHAT I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JUBILEE GREETING!
+
+(_Set to a Song from Sir Walter Scott._)
+
+NOVEMBER 9, 1891.
+
+_Mr. Punch (for self and everybody) loquitur_:--
+
+  My Prince, 'tis for our coming King
+    We all lift glass in hand;
+  For him that loud hurrahs do ring
+    To-day all round the land,
+                  My Prince,
+    All round a loyal land!
+
+  Let sycophantish slave kotoo;
+    You love not such display;
+  Let courtiers cringe and creatures "boo."
+    'Tis not our English way,
+                  My Prince,
+    'Tis not our English way.
+
+  As FLORA to Prince CHARLIE bent
+    It is no shame to bow;
+  And you're a man to be content
+    With man's respect, I trow,
+                  My Prince,
+    With man's respect, I trow.
+
+  For Fifty Years we've known you, Sir,
+    And liked you. Love is free!
+  That's why the land is all astir,
+    To hail your Jubilee,
+                  My Prince,
+    To hail your Jubilee.
+
+  In Forty-Six _Punch_ pictured you,
+    "A Sailor every inch,"[A]
+  Toasting "Mamma!" in a stiff brew
+    Without a sign of flinch,
+                  My Prince,
+    Without one sign of flinch.
+
+  In Seventy-One he stood beside
+    Your door in sad "Suspense."[B]
+  We saw the turn in that dark tide
+    With thankfulness intense,
+                  My Prince,
+    With gratitude intense.
+
+  From stage to stage your course he's marked
+    Abroad as eke at home;
+  Where'er you've travelled, toiled, skylarked;
+    And now mid-age has come,
+                  My Prince,
+    And now mid-age has come.
+
+  Come as it comes to all. Most true!
+    But, "let the galled jade wince,"
+  Still _Punch's_ pencil pictures you
+    As every inch a Prince,
+                  My Prince,
+    Yes, every inch a Prince!
+
+  And now your Jubilee we greet,
+    With hearty English joy,
+  Who, as those Fifty Years did fleet,
+    Have watched you, man and boy,
+                  My Prince,
+    Have watched you, man and boy.
+
+  When all is done that Prince can do,
+    All is _not_ done in vain.
+  That's why we drink Good Health to you
+    Again and eke again,
+                  My Prince,
+    Again and eke again!
+
+  _Punch_ turns him round and right about,
+    And leads the British roar
+  Which rises in one loyal shout,
+    "Health to the Prince once more!
+                  My Prince,
+    Health to him evermore!"
+
+  And health to her, the unfading flower
+    From Denmark, o'er the foam.
+  _Ad multos annos_, grace, and power,
+    Love, and a Happy Home,
+                  My Prince,
+    Love, and a Happy Home!
+
+  Now youth has gone, and manhood come,
+    Your Jubilee we keep,
+  Good-will shall strike detraction dumb,
+    And sound from deep to deep,
+                  My Prince,
+    From white-cliff'd deep to deep!
+
+[Footnote A: See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI., Sept.
+26, 1846.]
+
+[Footnote B: See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23, 1871.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN APPARENTLY HARD CASE.--Miss Print is responsible for a great deal. The
+other day a tender-hearted person read in a daily paper, that a stranger
+"arriving in Paris, did not even know where to go and die." How sad! But
+the compositor had only omitted the "n" from the last word of the sentence.
+So it wasn't so bad after all, though for the stranger bad enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Music's the Food."--At the Savoy Hotel the band of Herr WURMS is
+advertised to perform during dinner. The name of the dinner might follow
+suit, and be entitled "The Diet of Wurms, for Gentle and Simple." Of course
+the band of Herr WURMS is an attraction; "Wurms for bait," eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A JUBILEE GREETING!
+
+MR. PUNCH (_for self and everybody_). "HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS, SIR!--KNOWN
+YOU FIFTY YEARS, AND LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVER!!"]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A KINDLY VIEW OF IT.
+
+_First Rustic_ (_to Second Ditto_). "OH, I SAY! AIN'T HE FOND OF HIS
+HORSE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IO TRIUMPHE!
+
+OR, GREEK FOR HEIFER!
+
+(_By an Old Boy._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Thee, Camus, reverend renown
+    Thy grateful votaries seek,
+  Foil'd are the Vandals who'd "send down"
+    The Genius of Greek.
+
+  For Culture's jewell'd master-key
+    They cupboard pick-locks tend,
+  And in the cult of Mammon see
+    Learning's true aim and end;
+
+  Pit shallow youth's impatient fuss
+    Against the grit of CATO,
+  Set IBSEN up for AESCHYLUS,
+    And OLLENDORFF for PLATO;
+
+  For songs august of heroes sung,
+    And epic hosts embattled,
+  Enforce some pidgin-Latin tongue
+    By every waiter prattled;
+
+  For nymphs, where o'er the fragrant pines
+    A sea-bright sun uprises,
+  Their fancy plays round primmest lines
+    Of prigs receiving prizes.
+
+  From Sir JOHN CHEKE to Dr. JEBB,
+    From CALVERLEY to MILTON,
+  Clear spirits burst the Sophist-web,
+    And rent the rook they built on.
+
+  WELLDON is falsely named in this,
+    For sure, in slighting Greek, he
+  Will Learning's final blessing miss,
+    Her [Greek: kalos pepoieke].
+
+  What though the urchin deem it "rot"
+    (Such hasty views we stoop'd to,
+  Not seeing how on earth they got
+    _Tetummenos_ from _Tupto_)
+
+  Still let us learn, not beastly facts,
+    The field of any booby,
+  But how thought acts and interacts,
+    And contraries can true be.
+
+  Though on oblivion's barren shores
+    He give it quick sepulture,
+  Still through reluctant passman's pores
+    Instil the dew of culture.
+
+  Still give us of the rills divine
+    That flow from haunted Helicon,
+  Nor rend thyself to feed the swine,
+    Like a perverted Pelican.
+
+  Keep far the time when every bee
+    That booms in every bonnet,
+  Shall find a chair of Apiary,
+    And drone long lectures on it.
+
+  Still the large light and sweetness seek
+    Of KEATS'S raptured vision,
+  (Or KEATE'S)--till Greek at last meets Greek
+    In brotherhood Elysian.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TREASURE FOR. THE TREASURER OF BARTHOLOMEW'S.--_Mr. Punch_, G.P.E.,
+General President of Everything, begs to congratulate Professor HUBERT
+HERKOMER, R.A.M.A., on his admirable portrait of Sir SYDNEY HEDLEY, and
+now, not only HEDLEY, but Full-Lengthly WATERLOW, Bart., of "Bart's," which
+H.R.H. correctly described as "a very fine work of Art, painted by one of
+our most eminent artists." Such approbation of Sir HUBERT HERKOMER is
+praise indeed! _Mr. Punch_, G.P.E., prefixes the "Sir" prophetically. For
+the present it may be taken as the last syllable, detached, of "Profes-sir"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WELLS, I NEVER!"--"Mr. WELLS," says the _Times_ Correspondent, "has made
+250,000 francs" (up to now), and "last year he made L20,000." Talk of the
+waters at various drinking or health-resorts abroad, why, their fame is as
+nothing compared with the unprecedented success of the WELLS of Monte
+Carlo. How the other chaps who lose must be like LEECH'S old gent "a
+cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two extremes at Monte Carlo
+may be expressed by the name of a well-known shopkeeping London firm,
+i.e., SWEARS AND WELLS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TOUR. MR. PUNCH AT THE POTTERIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTHING LIKE LABOR.
+
+(_A Pleasant Prospect suggested by the evidence taken before the Royal
+Commission_.)
+
+And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had passed the
+night, and made for the town. It was early morning, and he thought he could
+possibly get something to do at the baker's.
+
+"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it is all over for
+the next two days. The trade only allows four hours, so we begin at eight
+on one night, and carry it on until four on the following morning. People
+get their loaves a little stale, but old bread is said to be good for the
+digestion!"
+
+So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built house. The workmen
+had left, but there was still a watchman on the premises.
+
+"Want to work! Why _what_ are you thinking about! Why, our trade only
+allows two hours a day, so we build a house by laying foundation-stones. It
+is rather slow, but very sure."
+
+So the starving man continued his journey. He was unsuccessful at every
+trade centre. One industry allowed its members to work only for three hours
+a day, another two, a third four, and so on. There was only one exception
+to the rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity. The
+undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the twenty-four. Even
+the public-houses were closed at noon. The workhouses and casual wards were
+never empty.
+
+But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered his drooping
+spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!" Then he retired to his
+rather damp quarters in the country ditch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Literary Intelligence.
+
+_Airy opening of article by_ Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, _a rising young author_.
+"Asked by Editor of _Magazin des Louvres_ to let him have a paper on Art as
+Applied to Drapery----"
+
+_Note by the Agonised Editor_ (_who has been struggling with MS. for
+several hours_). "And he _did_ let me have it, with a vengeance!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS."
+
+_Mrs. Blunderby_. "Now, MY DEAR MONTY, LET ME ORDER THE LUNCHEON
+AR-LA-FRAINGSY. GASSONG! I WISH TO BEGIN--AS WE ALWAYS DO IN PARIS, MY
+DEARS--WITH SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES_--YOU UNDERSTAND--SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES."_
+
+[_Emile, the Waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him however, presently that
+the Lady probably means "Hors d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAR MR. EDITOR,
+
+What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is the meaning of
+this heading to a paragraph in the _Times_ of Tuesday, Nov. 3:--
+
+    "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1."
+
+Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before heard of the
+Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It is true that the duplicity
+is said to be only "apparent" or alleged, but this is doubtless due to the
+precaution of the scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have
+often been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better. A
+"Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the presence of a friend
+and admirer in the Stalls or in the charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body
+to be guilty of duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body,
+is too much. No more will the simple lines
+
+    "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!"
+
+be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such light conduct,
+then shall we, have to read
+
+    "Wink, O wink, you little Star!"
+
+Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations they make. To
+what a state of things are we coming, when at night all the sublunary world
+is nodding, and the Stars above are winking. If there's duplicity in a
+Satellite of Jupiter, how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any
+trust in the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers,
+astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the painful
+subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the _Times_ for exposing duplicity
+in the highest places. Imagine treachery in Aurora Borealis! What an awful
+flirt she would be!! How she'd "wink the other eye!"
+
+Yours,
+AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM MASHONALAND.--Inspired by the success of ARTHUR B., of DE GORSTIBUS
+NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates
+a surprise return to his own native land and to Parliamentary life. He
+announces his intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord
+NIL DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINAL.--The _Daily Chronicle_ says it does not regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of
+the Puritans of finance. Well, no, perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance--like
+his manner--is rather _Cavalier_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+[Illustration: Farmer Atkinson.]
+
+MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist Conference, has
+been supplying the United States with interesting illustrations of House of
+Commons manners. Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists,
+members of which body were largely represented in his audience, are
+"impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON,
+M.P., found it necessary to explain that he had used the term "simply in a
+Parliamentary sense." We learn by special Zadkiel telegram that, on
+emerging from the Hall after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER
+(Omaha), bringing down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr.
+FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction that
+temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.
+
+"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., struggling out of
+the wreck of his hat.
+
+"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER
+(Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed controversy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work for weekdays.
+From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on Strategy and Tactics to
+Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he instructs the chief
+actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the principles of their
+respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation
+of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of large-paper
+copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he reviews regiments,
+cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, carries his own dispatches to
+himself, and makes speeches of varying length to all who will listen to
+him. Any professional reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's
+words is immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder.
+From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and officials,
+dictates state-papers to General CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How
+I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty
+teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their families,
+bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how to prepare dinners.
+The rest of the day he devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty
+leaves Berlin on his tenth visit to the European Courts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is arranging a
+Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the members and connections
+of his family for whom he has found places during his term of office. It is
+well known that the accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is
+comparatively limited.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of
+Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His
+personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man
+over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics.
+
+"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the
+heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with
+the bandage over his left eyebrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was
+not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made
+known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to
+see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless
+contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only
+of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to
+call him out--even from Church.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is
+about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through
+the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this
+intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the
+European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has
+been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria.
+His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this
+arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has,
+we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the
+status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who
+approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with
+Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of
+water."
+
+With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has
+recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in
+daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will,
+therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official
+communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir
+WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a
+friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and
+that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour
+doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between
+the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the _Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by
+the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the
+portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a
+prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in
+front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding,
+people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which
+was Sir SYDNEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.
+
+_First Voice._ I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this
+Commission?
+
+_Second Voice._ Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the
+name of my fellow-labourers, and----
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions?
+
+_Second V._ I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict,
+there is only--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are
+beneficial?
+
+_Second V._ I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that
+labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only
+to--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of
+arbitration?
+
+_Second V._ No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of
+labour rises on the stilly night, and--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you
+belong?
+
+_Second V._ I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should
+care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain,
+he should--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to
+no trade, what is your occupation?
+
+_Second V._ My occupation is to talk to--
+
+_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to
+America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn him into musical
+pieces at St. James's Hall.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.--The Novel that _Mr.
+Punch_ so recently praised, entitled _Tim_, is neither Irish nor political.
+Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of
+adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book,
+to be entitled _Tiny Tim._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD TIMES REVIVED.--The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a
+middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House
+be known as EVANS'S?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 14th, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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