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diff --git a/old/14074-8.txt b/old/14074-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0781ba --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14074-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1619 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +November 14th, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 14th, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14074] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +November 14th, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +No. VI.--TO VANITY. + + +DEAR VANITY, + +I think I can see you smirking and posturing before the abstract mirror, +which is your constant companion. It pleases you, no doubt, to think that +anybody should pay you the compliment of making you the object and the +subject of a whole letter. Perhaps when you have read it to the end you +will alter your mood, since it cannot please you to listen to the truth +about yourself. None of those whom you infect here below ever did like it. +Sometimes, to be sure, it had to be endured with many grimaces, but it was +extraordinary to note how the clouds caused by the aggravated truth-teller +passed away as soon as his departure had enabled the object of these +reproaches to recover his or her false self again. What boots it, after +all, to tell the truth? For those whom you protect are clad in armour, +which is proof against the sharpest lance, and they can thus bid defiance +to all the clumsy attacks of the merely honest and downright--for a time; +but in the end their punishment comes, not always in the manner that their +friends predict, but none the less inevitable in one manner or another. For +they all fashion a ridiculous monster out of affectations, strivings and +falsehoods, and label it "Myself;" and in the end the monster takes breath, +and lives and crushes his despised maker, and immediately vanishes into +space. + +Permit me to proceed in my usual way, and to offer you an example or two. +And I begin with HERMIONE MAYBLOOM. HERMIONE was one of a large family of +delightful daughters. Their father was the well-known Dr. MAYBLOOM, who was +Dean of Archester Cathedral. His massive and convincing volumes on _The +Fauna and Flora of the Mosaic Books in their Relation to Modern Botanical +Investigation_, must be within your recollection. It was followed, you +remember, by _The Dean's Duty_, which, being published at a time when there +was, so to speak, a boom in religious novels, was ordered by many readers +under the impression that it was likely to upset their mature religious +convictions by its assaults on orthodoxy. Their disappointment when two +stout tomes, dealing historically with the _status_ and duties of Deans, +were delivered to them, was the theme of cheerful comment amongst the +light-hearted members of the Dean's own family. + +[Illustration] + +Was there ever in this world so delightful a family circle as that of the +Deanery? The daughters were all pretty, but that was their smallest merit. +They were all clever, and well-read, without a tinge of the bluestocking, +and most of them were musical to the tips of their slender fingers. How +merrily their laughter used to ring across the ancient close, and how +playfully and gently they used to rally the dear learned old Dean who had +watched over them and cared for them since Mrs. MAYBLOOM'S death, many +years before, with all the tender care of the most devoted mother. And of +this fair and smiling throng, "my only rosary," as the Dean used to call +them, HERMIONE was, I think, the prettiest, as she was certainly the most +accomplished. Every kind of gift had been showered upon her by Nature. When +she played her violin, accompanied by her elder sister on the piano, tears +trickled unbidden down the aquiline nose of the militant Bishop of +Archester, the chapter stood hushed to a man, and the surrounding curates +were only prevented by a salutary fear of ruining their chances of +preferment from laying themselves, their pittances, and their garnered +store of slippers at her pretty feet. Then in a fit of charming petulance, +she would break off in the middle of the piece, lay down her violin, and, +with a pretty imperiousness, command a younger sister to fetch her zither, +on which to complete the subjugation of her adorers. And then her +caricatures--summer-lightning flashes of pencilled wit, as I heard the +Reverend SIMEON COPE describe them in a moment of enthusiasm after she had +shown us her sketch of his rival, the Reverend STEPHEN HANKINSON. + +But even in those days, while she still had about her all the fascinations +of peerless beauty and fresh and glowing youth, I mistrusted her. Alone of +all the sisters she seemed to me to be wanting in heart. I heard her +several times attempt to snub her father, and once I noted how she spent a +whole evening in moody silence, and refused to play a note, for no other +reason that I could see except that Captain ARBLAST, of the 30th Lancers, +the dashing first-born of the Bishop, who happened to be spending a few +days of his long leave in Archester, devoted himself with all the assiduity +of his military nature to twirling his heavy moustache in the immediate +neighbourhood of SOPHY MAYBLOOM, and not in that of HERMIONE. Indeed, I +have reason to know that, after the guests had departed, poor SOPHY had to +endure from her sister a dreadful scene, the harsh details of which have +not yet faded from her memory. And then I remembered, too, how it was a +matter of family chaff against HERMIONE that once, not very long after she +had entered upon her teens, she had sobbed convulsively through a whole +night, because she had discovered that her juvenile arms were thin and +mottled, and she imagined that she would never be able to wear a low dress, +or shine in Society. + +Such, then, was the beautiful HERMIONE, who for some years rode rough-shod +over the hearts of all the males in Archester. Space fails me to enumerate +all her engagements. She broke them one after another without a thought, +and cast her admirers away as if they had been dresses of last year's +fashion. Most of them, it must be said, recovered quickly enough, but the +miserable COPE became a hopeless hypochondriac, and never smiled again. He +died the other day, and HERMIONE's sketch of HANKINSON was found, frayed +and soiled, in an ancient pocket-book which he always carried about with +him. HANKINSON'S fate seemed at first to be worse. He took to poetry, +morbid, passionate, yearning, unhealthy poetry, of the skimmed SWINBURNE +variety, and for a time was gloomy enough. Having, however, engaged in a +paper conflict with one of his critics, he forgot his sorrows, and though +he still declares an overwhelming desire for death and oblivion about six +times a year, in various magazines, he seemed, when I last saw him, fairly +comfortable and happy. But, of course, he has never secured a vicarage. + +To return to HERMIONE. She at last married a certain Mr. PARDOE, a +barrister practising on the Archester Circuit, and established herself in +town. Shortly afterwards she became the rage. Her beauty, her wit, her +music, her dinners, her diamonds, were spoken of with enthusiasm. All the +elderly _roués_, whose leathery hearts had been offered up at hundreds of +shrines, became her temporary slaves. She coaxed them, cajoled them, and +fooled them, did this innocent daughter of a simple-minded Dean, to the top +of their various bents. She schemed successfully against countless rivals, +in order to maintain her pre-eminence in the admiration of her circle. Her +ambition knew no bounds. She changed her so-called friends every week; she +cultivated grand passions for actors, authors, musicians, and even for +professors. Sometimes she played to select audiences with all her old +ravishing skill, but this happened more and more rarely, until at last she +utterly declined, and even went so far as to flout H.S.H. the Duke of +KALBSKOPF, who had been specially invited to meet her. + +Then suddenly came the crash. She left her husband, in company with CHARLIE +FITZHUBERT, the heir presumptive to the wealthy earldom of Battersea. On +the following day Mr. PARDOE blew out his brains, leaving ten thousand +pounds of debt and three young children. Six months afterwards the +venerable Dean died, and sentimental people spoke of a broken heart. Then +the Earl of BATTERSEA, in a fit of indignation, married, and was blessed +with a son, the present Earl. CHARLIE FITZHUBERT married HERMIONE, but they +are as poor as curates, and he hates her. I saw her two days ago in a +shabby hired carriage. She is getting prematurely old, and grey, and +wrinkled, and everybody avoids her, except her sister SOPHY, who still +visits her, and suffers her ill-humour. + +Charming story, isn't it? I shall write again soon. + +Yours, in the meantime, +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +NIGHT-MAILING.--"Night Mail between London and Paris" has been recently +announced in all the papers as now ready and willing to take night-mailers +from Victoria, L.C. & D., to the French Capital. It is to be a Third-class +Night Mail, though a Knight of the First Class can, of course, travel by it +should he be so disposed. Thirty shillings through fare for "a single;" but +as the tariff doesn't explicitly inform us whether the passenger will be +asked the question, "Married or single?" and so be charged accordingly, we +may presume that a margin is left for a little surprise. The train of Night +Mails--a kind of gay bachelor train, no females being of the party--is to +start at 8:15 P.M., and to be in Paris at 5:50 A.M. + + * * * * * + +DRAWING THE BADGER. + +(_A Natural History Note_.) + +[Illustration] + +The Badger (_Meles-Taxus_) is at once one of the most inoffensive and (in +one sense) offensive of our few remaining British Carnivora. He is +described by NAPIER of Merchiston, in his _Book of Nature and of Man_, as a +"quiet nocturnal beast, but if much 'badgered' becoming obstinate, and +fighting to the last, in which it is a type of a large class of Britons, +who like to be let alone, but when ill used can fight." + +That great new authority on Natural History, Mr. G.A. HENTY (author of +_Those Other Animals_), should be able to tell us much about the Badger. +Therewith he would be able, in his own favourite fashion, to "point a +moral" (against the Demogorgon Democracy), and "adorn a tale" (of laboured +waggery). He might find the subject as suggestive of sardonic chaff as +American women and Republican institutions. + +What says the popular WOOD? He describes the Badger as "slow and clumsy in +its actions," and as "rolling along so awkwardly that it may easily be +mistaken for a young pig in the dusk of the evening." Woe, however, to +whomsoever _does_ take the creature for "a young pig." "Being naturally as +harmless an animal as can be imagined, it is a terrible antagonist when +provoked to use the means of defence with which it is so well provided." + + We tax the patience of poor _Meles-Taxus_, + Until he turns with tooth and claws and whacks us. + The natural home of _Taxus_--the Exchequer-- + Harbours a creature that keeps up its pecker. + +"For the purpose of so-called 'sport,' the Badger used to be captured and +put into a cage ready to be tormented; at the cruel will of every ruffian +who might chose to risk his dog against the sharp teeth of the captive +animal." + +This particular sort of "sport" is a little out of date. But "drawing a +Badger" is not unknown even in these humanitarian days. Dogs will sometimes +voluntarily rush in to risk their hides and muzzles against the aforesaid +sharp teeth, &c. Look at those in the picture! + +The two small, if aggressive, terriers seem unequally matched against the +"clumsy" but strong-jawed and terribly-toothed Badger. They have drawn him, +indeed, out of his hole, and one of them, at least, seems rather sorry for +it, if you may judge by the way in which he turns tail and makes for his +protector, the big Bull-Terrier. The ventripotent broken-haired tyke looks +more valorous--for the moment. Yap! yap! yap! _Meles-Taxus_ takes little +notice of him, however. His eyes are on that sturdy specimen of _Canis +familiaris_ there, whose bold eyes in turn are on _him_. Both, perhaps, +experience-- + + That stern joy which warriors feel + In foemen worthy of their steel." + +"Drawn by those two tiny yelpers? Not a bit of it! But _you_, my complacent +canine Colossus--come on if you dare!" And he _does_ dare, evidently. +Whether he'll regret his daring remains to be seen. + + * * * * * + +The Memory of Milton. + + MILTON forgotten? Nay, my BESANT, nay; + Not wholly, even in this petty day, + When learning snips, when criticism snaps, + And the great bulk of readers feed on scraps. + Still, still he finds his "audience fit, though few," + The rest _forget_ not since they never knew. + + * * * * * + +The Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book. + +Have you caught a fish? + +No, but I have bagged a cannon-ball. + +Is the sea too rough for your boat? + +No, the sea is not too rough, but the Torpedoes are decidedly embarrassing. + +Is that a pretty shell that you are going to carry home to your children? + +No, it is a live one, that, if it bursts a yard nearer, will blow us into +smithereens. + +Do you propose returning to your lodging to-night? + +That is a matter that will be decided by the Commander of the nearest +practising gun-boat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH GREEK. + +_First Classic_. "BY THE WAY, HADN'T DANTE GOT ANOTHER NAME?" + +_Second Classic_. "YES; ALFIERI, I THINK--OR ELSE ALIGHIERI." + +_First Classic_. "AH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD A NOTION IT WAS GABRIEL +ROSSETTI, OR SOMETHING!"] + + * * * * * + +CUTTING REMARKS. + +[Illustration: Tied to Time.] + +Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES has taken a theatre wherein to play his own plays to +his own taste. On the first night of _The Crusaders_ this taste was not +exactly the taste of the audience. Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES seemed to object +to be tied to time, and the result was the prompt appearance of that +terrible conqueror of things terrestrial, General Boredom. Since the +initial performance, it is reported that matters have gone on more +smoothly. According to the "usual sources of information" the dramatist has +been cheered on leaving his theatre, and heartily congratulated. On one +occasion he actually supplemented his piece with a speech! Apparently he +was under the impression that there could not be too much of a good +thing--JONES for choice! It may be that since the first performance, there +has been some curtailment made in the play. To judge from appearances it +was a question of cutting--either the author the play, or the public the +theatre! + + * * * * * + +QUITE A NEW SPEC.--We have just received a prospectus of a Company entitled +"_The Monarch Insurance Society_." Of course, all the Crowned Heads of +Europe will be in it. We haven't yet read it, the title being sufficient +for the present. _Ça donne à penser_. Will it provide New Monarchs for old +ones? Will it give good sovereigns in exchange for bad ones? If so--where +will the profit come in? + + * * * * * + +FRENCH AS SHE IS "WRIT." + +The _Standard's_ own Vienna Correspondent, when reporting the unpleasant +incident in the life of the Duc d'ORLÉANS, told us how the Prince, on +unwittingly "accepting service," said to the astute lawyer's clerk, "Mais, +Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment." To which the clerk replied, "also in +French," says the _Standard_, "One time is as good as another." But why was +not the lawyer's clerk's French as she is spoke given as well as that of M. +le Duc? And how much more telling it would have been had M. le Duc been +served well and faithfully by a clerk like _Perker's Mr. Lowten_, fresh, +very fresh, from a carouse at the "Magpie and Stump," or even by one of +_Messrs. Dodson and Fog's_ young men who enjoyed themselves so much when "a +twigging" of the virtuous _Mr. Pickwick_. + +"Mais, Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment," says the Duke, to which our _Mr. +Lowten_ would have replied in Magpie-and-Stumping French, "Eggskewsy moy, +Mossoo, le Dook, ung Tom is aussy bong qu'ung autre. Mossoo ler Dook ar +maintenong pérusé ler documong; voici le copy et voilà two. Bonsoir, il +faut que je l'accroche." + +Whereupon he would have "hooked it," as it appears this particular lawyer's +clerk did, and was not seen again. No doubt he joined a circle of admiring +friends in the legal neighbourhood (some Magpies-and-Stumps still exist), +where, over a glass and a cigar, he recounted the merry tale of how he had +served a Duke. + + * * * * * + +The relation of Hypnotiser to the Hypnotised at the Aquarium may be simply +described as "GERMANE to the subject.' + + * * * * * + +SONG AND CHORUS FOR THE COUNTY COUNCIL ON NEXT DEBATE ON THE WATER +SUPPLY--"Young BENN he was a nice young man." + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS + +No. XIV. + +SCENE--_Gardens belonging to the Hôtel du Parc, Lugano. Time, afternoon; +the orchestra is tuning up in a kiosk._ CULCHARD _is seated on a bench in +the shade, keeping an anxious eye upon the opposite door._ + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). She said she had a headache, and made her father +and VAN BOODELER go out on the lake without her. But she certainly gave me +to understand that she might come out when the band played, if she felt +better. The question is, whether she _means_ to feel better or not. She is +the most tantalising girl! _I_ don't know what to make of her. Not a single +reference, as yet, to that last talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I +can't recall it to her memory--if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance +of it--we are not likely to be dis--. Confound it all--PODBURY! (_with +suppressed irritation as_ PODBURY _comes up_). Well, do you _want_ anything +in particular? + +_Podb._ (_cheerfully, as he sits down_). Only the pleasure of your society, +old chap. How nicely you do put things! + +_Culch._ The--er--fact is, I can't promise to be a particularly lively +companion just now. + +_Podb._ Not by way of a change? Ah, well, it's a pity--but I must put up +with you as you are, I suppose. You see--(_with a grin_)--I've got that vow +to work out. + +_Culch._ Possibly--but _I_ haven't. As I've already told you--I retire. + +_Podb._ Wobbled back to Miss TROTTER again, eh? Matter of taste, of course, +but, for my part, I think your _first_ impression of her was nearer the +truth--she's not what I call a highly cultivated sort of girl, y' know. + +_Culch._ You are naturally exacting on that point, but have the goodness to +leave my first impressions alone, and--er--frankly, PODBURY, I see no +necessity (_now_, at all events) to take that ridiculous--hum--penance +_too_ literally. We are _travelling_ together, and I imagine that is enough +for Miss PRENDERGAST. + +_Podb._ It's enough for _me_--especially when you make yourself so doosid +amiable as this. You needn't alarm yourself--you won't have any more of my +company than I can help; only I _must_ say, for two fellows who came out to +do a tour _together_, it's-- [_Walks away, grumbling._ + +_Later. The band has finished playing;_ Miss TROTTER _is on the bench with_ +CULCHARD. + +_Miss T._ And you mean to tell me you've never met anybody since you even +cared to converse with? + +_Culch._ (_diplomatically_). Does that strike you as so very incredible? + +_Miss T._ Well, it strikes me as just a _little_ too thin. I judged you'd +go away, and forget I ever existed. + +[Illustration: "Ah, how little you know me!"] + +_Culch._ (_with tender reproach_). How little you know me! I may not be +an--er--demonstrative man, my--er--feelings are not easily roused, but, +once roused, well--(_wounded_)--I think I may claim to possess an ordinary +degree of constancy! + +_Miss T._ Well, I'm sure I _ought_ to feel it a vurry high compliment to +have you going round grieving all this time on _my_ account. + +_Culch._ Grieving! Ah, if I could only _tell_ you what I went through! +(_Decides, on reflection, that the less he says about this the better._) +But all that is past. And now may I not expect a more definite answer to +the question I asked at Bingen? Your reply then was--well, a little +ambiguous. + +_Miss T._ I guess it's got to be just about as ambiguous now--there don't +seem anything I _can_ say. There's times when I feel as if it might be sort +of elevating and improving to have you shining around; and there's other +times when I suspect that, if it went on for any considerable period, +likely I'd weaken. I'm not just sure. And I can't ever make myself believe +but what you're disapproving of me, inside of you, most all the time! + +_Culch._ Pray dismiss such--er--morbid misgivings, dear Miss TROTTER. Show +that you do so by accepting me as your guide and companion through life! + +_Miss T._ My! but that sounds like a proposal? + +_Culch._ I intended it to bear that--er--construction. It _is_ a +proposal--made after the fullest reflection. + +_Miss T._ I'm ever so obliged. But we don't fix things quite that way in my +country. We want to feel pretty sure, first, we shann't get left. And it +don't seem to me as if I'd had opportunities enough of studying your +leading characteristics. I'll have to study them some more before I know +whereabouts I am; and I want you to understand that I'm not going to commit +myself to anything at present. That mayn't be sentiment, but I guess it's +common-sense, anyway. And all _you_'ve got to do is, just to keep around, +and kind of impress me with a conviction that you're the vurry brightest +and best man in the entire universe, and I don't believe you'll find much +difficulty about _that_. And now I guess we'll go into _table d'hôte_--I'm +just as _ravenous_! + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows her_). Really, this is not much better +than RUSKIN, after all. But I don't despair. That last remark was +distinctly encouraging! + +SCENE--_A large Salle à Manger, decorated in the Pompeian style. Table +d'hôte has begun._ CULCHARD _is seated between_ Miss TROTTER _and a large +and conversational stranger. Opposite are three empty chairs._ + +_Culchard's Neighbour_. Then you're going on to Venice? Well, you take _my_ +advice. When you get there, you ask for tunny. Don't forget--_tunny_! + +_Culch._ (_who wants to talk to_ Miss T.) Tunny? Thank you. I--er--will +certainly remember his name, if I require a guide. + +_His N._ A guide? No, no--tunny's a _fish_, Sir, a coarse red fish, with +flesh like a raw beefsteak. + +_Culch._ Is that so? Then I will make a point of asking for it--if I want +raw beefsteak. [_Attempts to turn to_ Miss T. + +_His N._ That's what _I_ did when I was at Venice. I sent for the Manager. +He came. I said to him. "Look here, I'm an Englishman. My name's BELLERBY. +(CULCHARD _bows in patient boredom._) I've heard of your Venetian tunny. I +wish to taste it. _Bring_ me some!" + +_Culch._ (_crushingly_). A most excellent method of obtaining it, no doubt. +(_To_ Waiter.) _Numéro vingt-sept, demi bouteille de Chianti, et siphon!_ + +_His N._ You don't wait till I've _done_, Sir! I _didn't_ obtain it--not at +first. The man made excuses. I was prepared for _that_. I told him plainly, +"I know what _you_'re thinking--it's a cheap fish, and you fancy I'm +ordering it out of economy!" + +_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_). Of course, he +naturally _would_ think so. And _that_ is how you got your tunny? I see. +[Mr. BELLERBY _stares at him suspiciously, and decides to suppress the +remainder of his tunny._ + +_Miss T._ This hotel seems to be thinning some. We've three ghosts right in +front of us this evening. + +_Culch._ (_turning with effusion_). So we have! My friend is one, and he'll +be here presently, but I much prefer myself to see every seat occupied. +There is something so depressing about a vacant chair, don't you think? + +_Miss T._ It's calculated to put one in mind of _Macbeth's_ little +dinner-party, certainly. But you can cheer up, Mr. CULCHARD, here comes a +couple of belated _Banquos._ My gracious; I _do_ like that girl's face--she +has such a perfectly lovely expression, and looks real superior too! + +_Culch._ (_who has just dropped his glasses into his soup_). I--ah--which +lady are you referring too? (_He cleans and adjusts his glasses--to +discover that he is face to face with_ Miss HYPATIA PRENDERGAST.) Oh ... +I--I see--precisely, quite so! (_He turns to_ BELLERBY _to cover his +confusion and avoid meeting_ Miss PRENDERGAST'S _eye_.) I _beg_ your +pardon, you were describing how you caught a tunny? Pray continue. + +_Mr. Bellerby_ (_stiffly_). Excuse me, I don't seem fortunate enough to +have secured your undivided attention. + +_Culch._ (_with intense interest_). Quite the contrary, I assure you! You +were saying you always ordered it out of economy? + +_Mr. B._ Pardon _me_--I was saying nothing of the sort. I was saying that I +told the Manager I knew that was why he _thought_ I ordered it--a rather +different thing! "You're quite wrong," I said. "You may pay +twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown, if you like, +but I mean to _taste_ that tunny!" I was determined not to be done out of +my tunny, Sir! + +_Culch._ (_breathlessly_). And what did the tunny--I mean the Manager--say +to _that_? + +_Mr. B._ Oh, made more difficulties--it wasn't to be got, and so on. At +last I said to him (very quietly, but he saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell +you what it _is_--I'm going to _have_ that tunny, and, if you refuse to +give it me,--well, I shall just send my courier _out_ for it, that's all!" +So, with, _that_, they brought me some--and anything more delicious I never +tasted in all my life! + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). If I can only keep him on at this tunny! +(_Aloud._) And--er--what _does_ it taste like exactly, now? + +_Mr. B._ (_pregnantly_), You _order_ it, Sir--_insist_ on having it. Then +you'll _know_ what it tastes like! [_He devotes himself to his soup._ + +_Culch._ (_with his eyes lowered--to himself_). I _must_ look up in another +minute--and then! [_He shivers._ + + * * * * * + +"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS." + +One of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time is mainly +occupied by the composition of successful novels, sends us the following, +written by his type-writer. From this specimen it will be gathered what a +real economy in correcting letter-press a type-writer must be. + +[Illustration] + + Dear Editor + + I send you my new book to reed and if you likit pleaase give me a + legup. The story of my other book was anti-turkish but has not yet been + probited in Constanple though it has reachd its tetenth edition, at + least the ninth is neraly all shrubshcribed bedfore it isrereaddy. If + my pullisher is not sasfide oughtbe. Never use pen now only typwritr so + much quickerin tellgible convenent an leshble + + Yours + S SMUGGYNS + +It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it was, at the time +of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or that it is a very truthfully +phonetic-writing but somewhat indiscreet amanuensis. At the same time +herewith and hereby every success to our friend SMUGGYNS'S new book. + + * * * * * + +HARD LINES FOR HIM.--When the first stone of a new theatre in Cranbourne +Street was laid the other day by some Magnates of the Theatrical +Profession--beg pardon, "_the_ Profession," we should have said--Mrs. +BANCROFT made a telling impromptu speech, and then Mr. YARDLEY, ancient +Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on the head--accidentally, of +course--by the bottle which is in use on these occasions. "Very YARDLEY +treated," observed Sir DRURIOLANUS, in his happiest vein. Not the first +literary gent who, according to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry +period, has been "cut" by ill-use of the bottle. But the unfortunate +author's sorrows did not end with this sad blow, as, very soon afterwards, +his dear friends the Critics, with profuse apologies for being compelled to +handle him so severely, were down upon him for his new version of a French +piece, entitled _The Planter_. So the logical sequence of events was, that +first a blow was planted, and then appeared _The Planter_. + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL LAYMAN.--At a meeting in Rome, the "Duke di SERMONETA" took +the chair. If ever there were a staunch Churchman, this by his name, +rendered in English as "Sermon-devourer," should be he. + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +_Telegraphic Address_--"_Croesus, E.C._" + +[Illustration] + +Sir,--Let me first express my financial acknowledgments to the teeming +millions who have honoured me, and benefited themselves by seeking my +advice since my first letter appeared last week. Communications containing +cheques, postal orders, and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing +torrent. The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say that +they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full confidence that I +would invest the proceeds to the best advantage in some of the countless +undertakings in which I wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully +deserved. + +Investors will remember that, in the course of the last German Expedition +to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich in every mineral deposit, and +admirably fitted for the operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat. +42°, long. 65°. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief +left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over the palace +of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of this was conveyed to +me. I at once fitted out an Expedition _at my own expense_, placed myself +at the head of it, and after terrible hardships, in the course of which no +less than two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the bite +of the poisonous _contango_ fly, or had to be mercifully dispatched by the +hammer (a painless native form of death), in order to end their tortures, I +succeeded in reaching the capital, where I was hospitably received by the +king. After a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the +kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole country +together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties, timber, water-power, +lakes, farm-houses, stock and manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated +in the heart of a first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten +packs of hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern +comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman desiring to +set up in the business of kingship. It matters not what I had to pay for +this. The secret is my own, and shall go to Westminster Abbey with me. The +point is, that with the funds entrusted to me, I have formed the +Cent-per-Central African Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have +allotted shares to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to +profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial principles, and +find it cannot be less than £100 for every £100 invested. This may seem +small, but in these matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall +have more to say on this subject next week. + +_Answers to Correspondents_. + +DISMAL JEMMY.--Why do you suggest that the motto of my new company should +be, "_Stealer et fraudax_"? Is it a Latin joke? If so, don't write to me +any more. Those who deal with _me_ must be British to the backbone. + +ANXIOUS.--You can't do better than send me those £50,000. I guarantee +secrecy and quick returns. The Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes +(Pref. deb. 492; stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay +might be fatal. + +CAPITALIST.--No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; but take my advice +and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not try the _United Bladder Mortgage +Company_? Bladders are bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now +at 96. _Verb. sap._ No; £20,000 would not be too much. + +"POTTER."--Something good may he done in Land Rails, if you can get near +enough. Have a shot at them by all means. + +"PRACTICAL JOKER."--Quite right. Sell them. + +"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the difference between +Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us how much he expects to receive +in each case, the mere calculation of the difference will be an easy +matter; but to receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the +"distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may be summed +up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it now, or wait till you +get it?" + +"A PUZZLED ONE."--Sell everything. + +"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."--Yes. A Loan. + +"LAMBKIN."--Part with No. 2, &c., but take care of No. 1. + +"INSIDER."--Get out. + +"TOTTIE TOTTS."--Here for private consultation from 5 to 7 P.M. + +"RICHARD."--_Buy_ Bizzy B's, _Sell_ Early P's, and Spoiled Fives. _Buy_ +Jingoes. + +"BRUNO."--"Bear" your burdens. + +"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."--Send photo at once. Cannot advise until we know +your figure. + + "CROESUS, + E.C." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. + +_Miss Fitzogre_. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE A GOOD BOY!" + +_Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make +personal remarks about People in their presence_). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL +NURSE WHAT I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"] + + * * * * * + +A JUBILEE GREETING! + +(_Set to a Song from Sir Walter Scott._) + +NOVEMBER 9, 1891. + +_Mr. Punch (for self and everybody) loquitur_:-- + + My Prince, 'tis for our coming King + We all lift glass in hand; + For him that loud hurrahs do ring + To-day all round the land, + My Prince, + All round a loyal land! + + Let sycophantish slave kotoo; + You love not such display; + Let courtiers cringe and creatures "boo." + 'Tis not our English way, + My Prince, + 'Tis not our English way. + + As FLORA to Prince CHARLIE bent + It is no shame to bow; + And you're a man to be content + With man's respect, I trow, + My Prince, + With man's respect, I trow. + + For Fifty Years we've known you, Sir, + And liked you. Love is free! + That's why the land is all astir, + To hail your Jubilee, + My Prince, + To hail your Jubilee. + + In Forty-Six _Punch_ pictured you, + "A Sailor every inch,"[A] + Toasting "Mamma!" in a stiff brew + Without a sign of flinch, + My Prince, + Without one sign of flinch. + + In Seventy-One he stood beside + Your door in sad "Suspense."[B] + We saw the turn in that dark tide + With thankfulness intense, + My Prince, + With gratitude intense. + + From stage to stage your course he's marked + Abroad as eke at home; + Where'er you've travelled, toiled, skylarked; + And now mid-age has come, + My Prince, + And now mid-age has come. + + Come as it comes to all. Most true! + But, "let the galled jade wince," + Still _Punch's_ pencil pictures you + As every inch a Prince, + My Prince, + Yes, every inch a Prince! + + And now your Jubilee we greet, + With hearty English joy, + Who, as those Fifty Years did fleet, + Have watched you, man and boy, + My Prince, + Have watched you, man and boy. + + When all is done that Prince can do, + All is _not_ done in vain. + That's why we drink Good Health to you + Again and eke again, + My Prince, + Again and eke again! + + _Punch_ turns him round and right about, + And leads the British roar + Which rises in one loyal shout, + "Health to the Prince once more! + My Prince, + Health to him evermore!" + + And health to her, the unfading flower + From Denmark, o'er the foam. + _Ad multos annos_, grace, and power, + Love, and a Happy Home, + My Prince, + Love, and a Happy Home! + + Now youth has gone, and manhood come, + Your Jubilee we keep, + Good-will shall strike detraction dumb, + And sound from deep to deep, + My Prince, + From white-cliff'd deep to deep! + +[Footnote A: See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI., Sept. +26, 1846.] + +[Footnote B: See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23, 1871.] + + * * * * * + +AN APPARENTLY HARD CASE.--Miss Print is responsible for a great deal. The +other day a tender-hearted person read in a daily paper, that a stranger +"arriving in Paris, did not even know where to go and die." How sad! But +the compositor had only omitted the "n" from the last word of the sentence. +So it wasn't so bad after all, though for the stranger bad enough. + + * * * * * + +"Music's the Food."--At the Savoy Hotel the band of Herr WURMS is +advertised to perform during dinner. The name of the dinner might follow +suit, and be entitled "The Diet of Wurms, for Gentle and Simple." Of course +the band of Herr WURMS is an attraction; "Wurms for bait," eh? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A JUBILEE GREETING! + +MR. PUNCH (_for self and everybody_). "HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS, SIR!--KNOWN +YOU FIFTY YEARS, AND LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVER!!"] + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A KINDLY VIEW OF IT. + +_First Rustic_ (_to Second Ditto_). "OH, I SAY! AIN'T HE FOND OF HIS +HORSE!"] + + * * * * * + +IO TRIUMPHE! + +OR, GREEK FOR HEIFER! + +(_By an Old Boy._) + +[Illustration] + + Thee, Camus, reverend renown + Thy grateful votaries seek, + Foil'd are the Vandals who'd "send down" + The Genius of Greek. + + For Culture's jewell'd master-key + They cupboard pick-locks tend, + And in the cult of Mammon see + Learning's true aim and end; + + Pit shallow youth's impatient fuss + Against the grit of CATO, + Set IBSEN up for ÆSCHYLUS, + And OLLENDORFF for PLATO; + + For songs august of heroes sung, + And epic hosts embattled, + Enforce some pidgin-Latin tongue + By every waiter prattled; + + For nymphs, where o'er the fragrant pines + A sea-bright sun uprises, + Their fancy plays round primmest lines + Of prigs receiving prizes. + + From Sir JOHN CHEKE to Dr. JEBB, + From CALVERLEY to MILTON, + Clear spirits burst the Sophist-web, + And rent the rook they built on. + + WELLDON is falsely named in this, + For sure, in slighting Greek, he + Will Learning's final blessing miss, + Her [Greek: kalôs pepoiêke]. + + What though the urchin deem it "rot" + (Such hasty views we stoop'd to, + Not seeing how on earth they got + _Tetummenos_ from _Tupto_) + + Still let us learn, not beastly facts, + The field of any booby, + But how thought acts and interacts, + And contraries can true be. + + Though on oblivion's barren shores + He give it quick sepulture, + Still through reluctant passman's pores + Instil the dew of culture. + + Still give us of the rills divine + That flow from haunted Helicon, + Nor rend thyself to feed the swine, + Like a perverted Pelican. + + Keep far the time when every bee + That booms in every bonnet, + Shall find a chair of Apiary, + And drone long lectures on it. + + Still the large light and sweetness seek + Of KEATS'S raptured vision, + (Or KEATE'S)--till Greek at last meets Greek + In brotherhood Elysian. + + * * * * * + +A NEW TREASURE FOR. THE TREASURER OF BARTHOLOMEW'S.--_Mr. Punch_, G.P.E., +General President of Everything, begs to congratulate Professor HUBERT +HERKOMER, R.A.M.A., on his admirable portrait of Sir SYDNEY HEDLEY, and +now, not only HEDLEY, but Full-Lengthly WATERLOW, Bart., of "Bart's," which +H.R.H. correctly described as "a very fine work of Art, painted by one of +our most eminent artists." Such approbation of Sir HUBERT HERKOMER is +praise indeed! _Mr. Punch_, G.P.E., prefixes the "Sir" prophetically. For +the present it may be taken as the last syllable, detached, of "Profes-sir" + + * * * * * + +"WELLS, I NEVER!"--"Mr. WELLS," says the _Times_ Correspondent, "has made +250,000 francs" (up to now), and "last year he made £20,000." Talk of the +waters at various drinking or health-resorts abroad, why, their fame is as +nothing compared with the unprecedented success of the WELLS of Monte +Carlo. How the other chaps who lose must be like LEECH'S old gent "a +cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two extremes at Monte Carlo +may be expressed by the name of a well-known shopkeeping London firm, +i.e., SWEARS AND WELLS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON TOUR. MR. PUNCH AT THE POTTERIES.] + + * * * * * + +NOTHING LIKE LABOR. + +(_A Pleasant Prospect suggested by the evidence taken before the Royal +Commission_.) + +And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had passed the +night, and made for the town. It was early morning, and he thought he could +possibly get something to do at the baker's. + +"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it is all over for +the next two days. The trade only allows four hours, so we begin at eight +on one night, and carry it on until four on the following morning. People +get their loaves a little stale, but old bread is said to be good for the +digestion!" + +So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built house. The workmen +had left, but there was still a watchman on the premises. + +"Want to work! Why _what_ are you thinking about! Why, our trade only +allows two hours a day, so we build a house by laying foundation-stones. It +is rather slow, but very sure." + +So the starving man continued his journey. He was unsuccessful at every +trade centre. One industry allowed its members to work only for three hours +a day, another two, a third four, and so on. There was only one exception +to the rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity. The +undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the twenty-four. Even +the public-houses were closed at noon. The workhouses and casual wards were +never empty. + +But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered his drooping +spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!" Then he retired to his +rather damp quarters in the country ditch! + + * * * * * + +Literary Intelligence. + +_Airy opening of article by_ Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, _a rising young author_. +"Asked by Editor of _Magazin des Louvres_ to let him have a paper on Art as +Applied to Drapery----" + +_Note by the Agonised Editor_ (_who has been struggling with MS. for +several hours_). "And he _did_ let me have it, with a vengeance!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS." + +_Mrs. Blunderby_. "Now, MY DEAR MONTY, LET ME ORDER THE LUNCHEON +AR-LA-FRAINGSY. GASSONG! I WISH TO BEGIN--AS WE ALWAYS DO IN PARIS, MY +DEARS--WITH SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES_--YOU UNDERSTAND--SOME _CHEF-D'OEUVRES."_ + +[_Emile, the Waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him however, presently that +the Lady probably means "Hors d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly_.] + + * * * * * + +LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES. + +[Illustration] + +DEAR MR. EDITOR, + +What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is the meaning of +this heading to a paragraph in the _Times_ of Tuesday, Nov. 3:-- + + "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1." + +Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before heard of the +Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It is true that the duplicity +is said to be only "apparent" or alleged, but this is doubtless due to the +precaution of the scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have +often been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better. A +"Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the presence of a friend +and admirer in the Stalls or in the charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body +to be guilty of duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body, +is too much. No more will the simple lines + + "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!" + +be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such light conduct, +then shall we, have to read + + "Wink, O wink, you little Star!" + +Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations they make. To +what a state of things are we coming, when at night all the sublunary world +is nodding, and the Stars above are winking. If there's duplicity in a +Satellite of Jupiter, how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any +trust in the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers, +astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the painful +subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the _Times_ for exposing duplicity +in the highest places. Imagine treachery in Aurora Borealis! What an awful +flirt she would be!! How she'd "wink the other eye!" + +Yours, +AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL. + + * * * * * + +FROM MASHONALAND.--Inspired by the success of ARTHUR B., of DE GORSTIBUS +NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates +a surprise return to his own native land and to Parliamentary life. He +announces his intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord +NIL DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!" + + * * * * * + +FINAL.--The _Daily Chronicle_ says it does not regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of +the Puritans of finance. Well, no, perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance--like +his manner--is rather _Cavalier_! + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +[Illustration: Farmer Atkinson.] + +MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist Conference, has +been supplying the United States with interesting illustrations of House of +Commons manners. Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists, +members of which body were largely represented in his audience, are +"impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, +M.P., found it necessary to explain that he had used the term "simply in a +Parliamentary sense." We learn by special Zadkiel telegram that, on +emerging from the Hall after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER +(Omaha), bringing down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr. +FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction that +temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member. + +"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., struggling out of +the wreck of his hat. + +"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER +(Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed controversy. + + * * * * * + +The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work for weekdays. +From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on Strategy and Tactics to +Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he instructs the chief +actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the principles of their +respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation +of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of large-paper +copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he reviews regiments, +cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, carries his own dispatches to +himself, and makes speeches of varying length to all who will listen to +him. Any professional reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's +words is immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder. +From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and officials, +dictates state-papers to General CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How +I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty +teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their families, +bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how to prepare dinners. +The rest of the day he devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty +leaves Berlin on his tenth visit to the European Courts. + + * * * * * + +There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is arranging a +Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the members and connections +of his family for whom he has found places during his term of office. It is +well known that the accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is +comparatively limited. + + * * * * * + +We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of +Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His +personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man +over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics. + +"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the +heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with +the bandage over his left eyebrow. + + * * * * * + +It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was +not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made +known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to +see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless +contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only +of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to +call him out--even from Church. + + * * * * * + +It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is +about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through +the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this +intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the +European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has +been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria. +His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this +arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has, +we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the +status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who +approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with +Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of +water." + +With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has +recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in +daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will, +therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official +communications, as TROMP THE FIRST. + + * * * * * + +There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir +WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a +friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and +that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour +doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between +the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the _Times_. + + * * * * * + +According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by +the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the +portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a +prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in +front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding, +people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which +was Sir SYDNEY. + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION. + +_First Voice._ I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this +Commission? + +_Second Voice._ Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the +name of my fellow-labourers, and---- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions? + +_Second V._ I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict, +there is only-- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are +beneficial? + +_Second V._ I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that +labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only +to-- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of +arbitration? + +_Second V._ No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of +labour rises on the stilly night, and-- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you +belong? + +_Second V._ I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should +care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain, +he should-- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to +no trade, what is your occupation? + +_Second V._ My occupation is to talk to-- + +_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to +America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn him into musical +pieces at St. James's Hall.] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.--The Novel that _Mr. +Punch_ so recently praised, entitled _Tim_, is neither Irish nor political. +Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of +adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book, +to be entitled _Tiny Tim._ + + * * * * * + +OLD TIMES REVIVED.--The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a +middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House +be known as EVANS'S?" + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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