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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12517-0.txt b/12517-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6526bcf --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1351 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 99. + + + +NOVEMBER 15, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING. + +(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald +Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._ + + [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We + have referred to it as we went along, and found everything + quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish + the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our + readers. The story itself was written in a very clear, + legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia + Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling + cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for + returned empties."] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty +is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special +reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this +particular pig-sty. + +The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she +grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to +show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness +of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had +begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that +her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah, +that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in +the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I +droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life +is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter +is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and +the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the +commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the +question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the +class, all of you. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER II. + + +As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitués_ I scarcely +need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if +you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a +stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I +went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was +sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that +he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows +with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called +"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single +word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without +difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was +resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival +humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was +not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch +weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we +watched the preparations for the impending conflict. + + +CHAPTER III. + + +After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow +with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA. + +"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?" + +HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered. + +"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist. +I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the +world, am thinkin." + +This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of +his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me +feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest +hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to +come to an end? PETE took up the talking. + +"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S +snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts +out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can +match wi' TAMMAS." + +He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for +coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said +nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger +spoke. + +"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some +experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to +do a large business." + +He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen +glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course +for a sarcasm. + +"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin' +to be a humorist." + +This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes +on the stranger. + +"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I +make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights. +Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a +house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost +in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my +wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, +holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. +Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes +happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he +produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have +a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of +the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some +particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my +bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides," +adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing +when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this +banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and +children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you +don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it +never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to +set against that, my friend?" + +We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and +he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his +ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then +TAMMAS began-- + +"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's +mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk, +and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter. +When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on +other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's +lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo +then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'" + +We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from +the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a +senseless mass. + +"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur +ye are! What pit that in your heed?" + +"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle; +"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the +humour o' it comes in." + +"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the +whole, I agree with him. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will +probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.] + +_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG +ENOUGH!" + +_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"] + + ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the + usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below + the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure + as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News, + on the City & South London Electric Company_.] + +"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:-- + + Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am! + No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt! + You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am; + I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert. + Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous, + 'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint; + You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows, + And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint! + Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am; + I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long; + He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am! + High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong. + Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling, + As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star? + Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling! + So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR. + + He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy, + And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat. + As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur; + Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that! + You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty, + So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark. + He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty + To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark. + A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover, + My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_; + If I do not woo you the sunny earth over. + At least I lend light to love-making below. + + He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger; + _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me! + He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger. + _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee! + + His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended. + Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall! + I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid, + As clean as a palace, not black as a pall. + Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction + Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game. + You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love, + And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame. + + [_Carries her off in triumph._ + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King, +MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in +Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King +Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say, +history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE +THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman +of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one +was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the +difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens +them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a +pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may +not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful +and comforting." + +Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days +of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time, +and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help +using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to +the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows +us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a +wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by +BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works +that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for +anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING). + + ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe + five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic + wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with + rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being + fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are + snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods + deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring + the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of + the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short + shrift."--_Daily News._] + + Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore + As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to + Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore + The things people do, that they really ought not to! + With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed," + When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,-- + But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head, + Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle. + + With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake + The bed of the river, and gallantly wading, + Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make + Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading. + You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look! + (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon) + With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook, + The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon! + + As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire + To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding; + And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire + To give the advice they so sadly seem needing. + Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan, + How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle; + And may they in future all see if they can, + By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle! + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at +all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This +portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early +in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy +lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting +after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open +window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong. + +Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have +no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as +PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. +SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular +deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not +seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. +SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third +son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a +father at thirty-five. + +"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped +the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness +of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of +ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want +in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not +ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD." + +WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of +another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it +was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week. +As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put +forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round +than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is +when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well +(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change +for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it. +Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, +or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the +discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always +on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or +the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard +Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is +not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree, +fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes +ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the +gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in +softer glance. + +"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring +afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever +seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty +reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings. +About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the +onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down +into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion." + +"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too +down-hearted to speak. + +"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of +interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot, +wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the +plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and +there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them, +it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the +trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion, +who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was +you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a +interfering with Nater." + +But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run +this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to +sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of +which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained, +to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a +sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for +a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long +deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that +rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion. +"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall. +Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of +moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag, +we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the +task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy +rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on +the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either +ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by +the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed +and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking +exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last +chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or +rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora +Schleideniana._ + +"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands +gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't +look for much crop in that particular year." + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A Hand-book to Honesty._ + +NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.) + +SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._ + +I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._ + +[Illustration] + +_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard +that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But +this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of +considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to +one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has +clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest +money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand +of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at +a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph +Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would +hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at +his own address_, as he suggests. + +[_Does so, hopefully_. + + +SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious +Person, _hurriedly_. + +_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place +sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish +about _this_, anyhow. + +[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters +another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his +watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but +genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, +but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._-- + +Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an +appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP? + +_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have. + +_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL? + +_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is. + +_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr. +SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was +eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I +was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter +grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.) +But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on +second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across +to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with +a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS +sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it. + +[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his +companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an +early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A +couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a +couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, +merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything +is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_ +that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is +assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the +"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him, +_hopeful, and admiring_. + +_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite +a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get +misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to +ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet. + +[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by +smart and austere-looking Domestic._ + +_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more +with him. Won't detain him a moment. + +_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't +know any sech persing. + +_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour +ago. Hasn't he returned? + +_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives +here at all. + +_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white +waistcoat! + +_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about +suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But +I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_. + +_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him! +_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the +door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable +address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is +gone! So are my two guineas! + +[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN OF SCIENCE. + + [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article + in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to + it.] + +PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:-- + + I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance, + And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say: + Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL, + And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day. + I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude, + And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind: + I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology, + And every other 'ology that anyone can find. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf, + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection + For a curious collection from both animals and man: + I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll + Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can. + I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical, + I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own: + They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus: + Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf; + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + * * * * * + +OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the +North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron. +Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies +generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes, +with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes, +which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking, +quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein +he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader +behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He +comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon +men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or +proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes +the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most +companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN +to be seen through. + +In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has +hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely +to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title +series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg +pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy +Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year +the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will +be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why +should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in +'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow +Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth +edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible +stages of the combination and permutation of colour. + +_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one +of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as +before. + +"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the +Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial +history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the +Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders, +_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN +PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny +play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS. + +BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their +indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With +Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous +adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico. +Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with +the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through +many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough +Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The +Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will +please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time. + +Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally +by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now +concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses +a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all +valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the +highest praise. + +MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to +his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the +Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with +brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The +initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar +throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the +still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything, +knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more +of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most +public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or +art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift +of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in +a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who +will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just +enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its +topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume, +which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of +work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for +a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than +journalism. They will take their place in Literature. + +November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent. +Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S +introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves +up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know." + +My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The +Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and +published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia, +rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who +have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before +the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity. + +I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The +Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These +Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot +apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of +_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful, +or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, +says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY." + +(_An Intercepted Letter_.) + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we +_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, +has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the +door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he +did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought +with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it," +as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_ +comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women +were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" +(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the +women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully +intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help +laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this +was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were +over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. +WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press! +He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I +to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for +we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the +Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was +_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_ +people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close, +and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather +pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor +the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to +her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply +capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was +really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! +But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_ +time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come +to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that +be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes +to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at +all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very, +_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_ +affectionate friend, + +LUCRETIA. + + * * * * * + +"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical +column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in +London!) inserted this notice:-- + + "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club, + Henrietta Street, Tuesday next." + +Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read +his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY +DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not +"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease +at his Club. + + * * * * * + +UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of +Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH. + +"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!" + +"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE +SAWBATH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON; + +_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_. + + ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for + its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and, + among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in + default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young + LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of + his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by + Surtees._] + + Old stories tell how Hercules + At Lerna slew a "Dragon;" + And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES) + The Durham men still brag on. + How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm + Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!); + And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all," + He slew the Dragon of Wantley. + + Our Dragon here is a bigger beast + Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did; + On poor men's bodies he doth feast, + And ill-got gold long hoarded. + He hath iron claws, and from his jaws + Foul fumings are emitted. + The folks, his prey, who cross his way, + Are sorely to be pitied. + + Have you not heard how the Trojan horse + Held seventy men inside him? + _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force + That none may rein or ride him. + Men hour by hour he doth devour, + And would they with him grapple, + At one big sup he'll gobble them up, + As schoolboys munch an apple. + + All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat; + But his favourite food's poor people, + But he 'd swallow a city, street by street, + From cottage to church steeple. + Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear, + Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir, + And many a lair of dim despair + The Worm hath made its own, Sir. + + In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm + Hath made a loathly den, + And there hath fed for a weary term + On the bodies and souls of men. + There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower, + Whilst in its coils close prest + Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power," + And "Vested Interest." + + Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold? + Lo! a champion appears. + He seems but small, and he looks not old-- + A youth of scarce three years. + But "he hath put on his coat of mail, + Thick set with razors all," + And a blade as big as a thresher's nail, + On that Dragon's crest to fall. + + And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE, + He to the fight advances. + Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er, + With caution in his glances. + If he make shift that sword to lift, + And smite that Dragon dead, + No hero young song yet hath sung + A fouler pest hath sped. + + Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.! + That two-edged blade is big, Sir! + That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be + "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir, + (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says, + In his quaint and curious story.) + If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise, + And legendary glory. + + When London's streets are haunts of health + (Ah! happy if distant, when) + And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth + Feeds not on the filthy den; + The men to this champion's memory + Shall lift the brimming flagon, + And drink with glee to young County C, + Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon! + + * * * * * + +A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had +gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling +TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to +now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is +to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs. +TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, +entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M. +STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must +have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a +column to STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be +the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are +to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1. + +_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the +Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT +THE LAST FENCE!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the +Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an +orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, +with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass +band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the +house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or +ordinary. + +_Thursday.--Orféo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA +RAVOGLI in GLÃœCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for +many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted +house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to +an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double +recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che +farò_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. +Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for +a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks, +with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air, +and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled +walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures +and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues, +when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental +dances by two _premières danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than +generally supposed. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor +has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula +Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap. + + * * * * * + +QUIS NOMINABIT? + +(_Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.") + + MR. PUNCH, SIR, + + I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of + contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more + or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been + invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse, + on the recently launched proposition to establish in our + midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters." + Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to + elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds + as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to + be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important + function. As to what would be the use of an institution of + the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to + reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body + capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants + who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been + entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well + then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that + "I am all there!" + + Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say, + twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince + of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally + widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of + the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in + supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway + Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even + conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious + criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan + character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor + of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. + + It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour + to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the + names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_, + following them up with the representatives of commercial + enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed + respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea + Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY + OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I + would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of + CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir + WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or + any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with + the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing + deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the + country, there can be little need to question further the + necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those + who are to constitute that institution is another thing; + but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this + inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the + question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit + that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting + to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication, + + I am, Sir, your obedient servant, + + A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN. + + * * * * * + +BEFORE AND BEHIND. + +(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.) + + SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read + that-- + + "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her + MAJESTY and the Royal Family." + + This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the + QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal + Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose + "before" does not here relate to time, but to position. + It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth + recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking + _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her + Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to + listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the + Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any + possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask + for information, and am + + Yours, + + FIDELITER. + + * * * * * + +A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest +BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big +tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of +the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co. +Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though +he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let +him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy +our Sundays in peace and quiet. + + * * * * * + +NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY +AND MAYOR." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN +SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOSTALGIA. + +"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE +CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. +IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR. + + +SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. +The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps +number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the +front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to +conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog +is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy +dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending +Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty +row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or +worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._ + +_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away +to-night, _we_ are! + +_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the +pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to +'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like +that, I sez. + + [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, + with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a + cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on + platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates + in a back row._ + +_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I +co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to +repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins +vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform +by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member +of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain +coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select +from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates +slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am +vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) +Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from +Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you +'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from +Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any +dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan +do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He +pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart +ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to +choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) +I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c. + +_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the +West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it. + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it? + +_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly +do it _now_--but I know how it's done. + +[_He explains elaborately how it is done_. + +_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may +leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze +inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be +moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for +ze burpose of my exberiment. + +_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his +companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as +before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it! + +_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf +nossing insoide of your 'at? + +_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary, +there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll +thank you to give me back by-and-by. + +_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of +flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do +you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare? + +_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over, +please; I want them. + +[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_ + +_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels +loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, +Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at! + +_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there +were. + +_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a +leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, +dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, +Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze +vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _] +Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large +feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is +vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, +he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, +so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im. + +[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers +amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly +in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._ + +_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded +impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to +play the fool with it like this! + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming? + +_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently. + +[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a +blunderbuss into a crystal casket_. + +_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to +let that thing off! + +_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't +help it. + +_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves +won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only +_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure. + +_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_. + +_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his +shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I +_know_ I shall! + +_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get +to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming +sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ +scream, after all! + +_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for +me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late! + +[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._ + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't +_imagine_ how it was done! + +_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still +rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child +could do it! + +_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they +were all corded up, and sealed! + +_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_? +Why, it was another rabbit, of course! + +_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the +borrowed watch round its neck. + +_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes +have false bottoms. + +_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine. + +_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes. + +_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was +holding it all the time in a paper bag? + +_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too +long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you +_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer! + +_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties +and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like +myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly +abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will +distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the +Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions +too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' +dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as +been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his +hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches +have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very +hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between +like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" +from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a +crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the +performance_. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and +open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing +correspondent." + +"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and +able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's +case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me +a drink." + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES. + +They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty +in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with +a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun +to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it +woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin +for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too +Gentelmanly Managers let me go. + +The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers, +was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all +to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased +when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers" +as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have +not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all +pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they +found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted +Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only +arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, +a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party, +declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was +shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a +warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not +no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't +stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and +a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one +glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which +I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the +cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture +to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was +too. + +We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the +Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or +other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno, +we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted +to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the +werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff +drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally +the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's +a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the +souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to +alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it +I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found +ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches. + +In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the +himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a +little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called +Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome +of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real +Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the +great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, +that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to +make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the +Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we +can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the +rite way to git it! + +I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil +reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether +Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like +true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next +April, by which time they woud be able to decide. + +On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church, +where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most +lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard +of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the +bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that, +if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its +sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was +a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with +plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me +to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody +when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to +make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as +such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth, +if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant +and the Heddicated. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, November 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 *** diff --git a/12517-h/12517-h.htm b/12517-h/12517-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7caeed --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/12517-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1961 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 15, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + p { + text-align : justify; + } + blockquote { + text-align : justify; + } + h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 { + text-align : center; + } + pre { + font-size : 0.7em; + } + hr { + text-align : center; + width : 50%; + } + html > body hr { + margin-right : 25%; + margin-left : 25%; + width : 50%; + } + hr.full { + width : 100%; + } + html > body hr.full { + margin-right : 0%; + margin-left : 0%; + width : 100%; + } + hr.short { + text-align : center; + width : 20%; + } + html > body hr.short { + margin-right : 40%; + margin-left : 40%; + width : 20%; + } + .author { + text-align : right; + margin-right : 5%; + margin-top : 0em; + } + .bracket { + margin-left : 10%; + text-indent : -2em; + } + .center { + text-align : center; + } + .note { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + font-size : 0.9em; + } + span.pagenum { + position : absolute; + left : 1%; + right : 91%; + font-size : 8pt; + } + .poem { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + margin-bottom : 1em; + text-align : left; + } + .poem .stanza { + margin : 1em 0; + } + .poem p { + margin : 0; + padding-left : 3em; + text-indent : -3em; + } + .poem p.i2 { + margin-left : 1em; + } + .poem p.i4 { + margin-left : 2em; + } + .poem p.i6 { + margin-left : 3em; + } + .poem p.i8 { + margin-left : 4em; + } + .poem p.i10 { + margin-left : 5em; + } + .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft { + padding : 1em; + margin : 0; + text-align : center; + font-size : 0.8em; + } + .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img { + border : none; + } + .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p { + margin : 0; + text-indent : 1em; + } + .figcenter { + margin : auto; + } + .figright { + float : right; + } + .figleft { + float : left; + } + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>NOVEMBER 15, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" + id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VI.—THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.</h3> + + <p class="bracket">(<i>By</i> J. MUIR KIRRIE, <i>Author of "A + Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees + Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">[With this story came a glossary of Scotch + expressions. We have referred to it as we went along, and + found everything quite intelligible. As, however, we have + no room to publish the glossary, we can only appeal to the + indulgence of our readers. The story itself was written in + a very clear, legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper + labelled, "Arcadia Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. + Sold in Six-shilling cases. Special terms for Southrons. + Liberal allowance for returned empties."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>CHAPTER I.</h3> + + <p>We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A + pig-sty is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there + were special reasons, of which you shall hear something later, + for sitting on this particular pig-sty.</p> + + <p>The old sow was within, extended at full length. + Occasionally she grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond + that, she seemed to show but a faint interest in the + proceedings. She had been a witness of similar gatherings for + some years, and, to tell the truth, they had begun to bore her, + but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that her + appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. + Ah, that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat + in the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree + I-dree I droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know + what I mean? Life is like that. When we are children the bread + is thick, and the butter is thin; as we grow to be lads and + lassies, the bread dwindles, and the butter increases; but the + old men and women who totter about the commonty, how shall they + munch when their teeth are gone? That's the question. I'm a + Dominie. What!—no answer? Go to the bottom of the class, + all of you.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/229.png" + alt="Sitting on the pig-sty" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>CHAPTER II.</h3> + + <p>As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the + <i>habitués</i> I scarcely need to speak to you, since + you must know their names, even if you fail to pronounce them. + But there was a stranger amongst us, a stranger who, it was + said, had come from London. Yesterday when I went ben the house + I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was sitting with + us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that he + wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his + pillows with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at + what he called "such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't + believe a single word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our + humorist. It was not without difficulty that TAMMAS had + attained to this position, and he was resolved to keep it. + Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival humorist whom he + would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was not marked + with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch + weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, + as we watched the preparations for the impending conflict.</p> + + <h3>CHAPTER III.</h3> + + <p>After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the + old sow with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed + HENDRY MCQUMPHA.</p> + + <p>"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"</p> + + <p>HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he + answered.</p> + + <p>"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a + humorist. I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other + humorists in the world, am thinkin."</p> + + <p>This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was + usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward + silence which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor + Dominie, but some of my happiest hours had been passed on the + pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end? PETE took + up the talking.</p> + + <p>"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of + TAMMAS'S snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a + thing 'at spouts out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae + spouter in Thrums 'at can match wi' TAMMAS."</p> + + <p>He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching + for coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD + said nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the + stranger spoke.</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to + some experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and + generally manage to do a large business."</p> + + <p>He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of + his keen glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to + clear the course for a sarcasm.</p> + + <p>"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's + meanin' to be a humorist."</p> + + <p>This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed + our eyes on the stranger.</p> + + <p>"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I + trust I make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at + catch-weights. Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. + This story about a house-boat, for instance, has been much + appreciated. It's almost in the style of Mr. JEROME'S + masterpiece; or this screamer about my wife's tobacco-pipe and + the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, holding the sample + near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. Puff, puff! + Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes happen + to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he + produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we + have a packet of sarcasm—equal to dynamite. I left it on + the steps of the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then + here are some particularly neat things in cheques. I use them + myself to paper my bedroom. It's simpler and easier than + cashing them, and besides," adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, + and laughing, "it's quite killing when you come to think of it + in that way. Lastly, there's this banking-account sample, + thoroughly suitable for journalists and children. You see how + it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you don't want a + drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it never + varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to + set against that, my friend?"</p> + + <p>We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, + and he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had + returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would + be crushed. Then TAMMAS began—</p> + + <p>"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' + there's mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're + no Thrums fowk, and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist + settle this matter. When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' + humour, we're a' dependent on other fowk to tak' note o' the + humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's lauched at anything you've + telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo then," he roared out, "'A + pie sat on a pear-tree.'"</p> + + <p>We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went + up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into + the sty a senseless mass.</p> + + <p>"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what + a crittur ye are! What pit that in your heed?"</p> + + <p>"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving + a muscle; "it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. + That's where the humour o' it comes in."</p> + + <p>"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale + humour." On the whole, I agree with him.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTIVE.—<i>My Musical Experiences</i>, by BETTINA + WALKER, will probably be followed by <i>My Eye</i>, by BETTINA + MARTIN.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" + id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD + FLAME.</h3><a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/230.png" + alt="THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME." /></a> + + <p><i>Young Spark</i>. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY + OLD FOGEY LONG ENOUGH!"</p> + + <p><i>Old Flame (aside)</i>. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["It is obvious that small tunnels for + single lines, of the usual standard gauge, may be + constructed some distance below the ground, and yet the + atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure as upon a railway on + the surface."—<i>Illustrated London News, on the City + & South London Electric Company</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center">"<i>Young Spark</i>" + <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your arm, my dear Madam! <i>This</i> way, down the + lift, Ma'am!</p> + + <p class="i2">No danger at all, no discomfort, no + dirt!</p> + + <p>You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my + gift, Ma'am;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll prove like a shot what I boldly + assert.</p> + + <p>Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly + jealous,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of + joint;</p> + + <p>You just let him bluster and blow like old + bellows,</p> + + <p class="i2">And try <i>me</i> instead—<i>I</i> + will not disappoint!</p> + + <p>Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," + Ma'am;</p> + + <p class="i2">I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him + so long;</p> + + <p>He has choked you for years—'tis a thundering + shame, Ma'am!</p> + + <p class="i2">High time the Young Spark put a term to + his wrong.</p> + + <p>Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and + sparkling,</p> + + <p class="i2">As clean as a pin, and as bright as a + star?</p> + + <p>Compare me with him, who stands scowling and + darkling!</p> + + <p class="i2">So gazed the old gallant on Young + LOCHINVAR.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And pokey, and chokey, and black as my + hat.</p> + + <p>As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of + sulphur;</p> + + <p class="i2">Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at + that!</p> + + <p>You <i>cannot</i> see beauty in one who's so + sooty,</p> + + <p class="i2">So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and + dark.</p> + + <p>He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty</p> + + <p class="i2">To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the + Young Spark.</p> + + <p>A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,</p> + + <p class="i2">My dear Lady LONDON, is not <i>comme il + faut</i>;</p> + + <p>If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.</p> + + <p class="i2">At least I lend light to love-making + below.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" + id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i>'ll follow Apollo the + Younger—that's me!</p> + + <p>He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>His</i> lady-love, LONDON! Bah! + Fiddle-de-dee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.</p> + + <p class="i2">Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene + hall!</p> + + <p>I think you'll admit it is sparkling and + splendid,</p> + + <p class="i2">As clean as a palace, not black as a + pall.</p> + + <p>Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction</p> + + <p class="i2">Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils + his small game.</p> + + <p>You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold + Love,</p> + + <p class="i2">And let the Young Spark supersede the Old + Flame.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">[<i>Carries her off in triumph.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h3> + + <p>Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was + King, MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various + studies in Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has + a gallery in King Street, which is devoted to studies in Black + and White. You may say, history repeats itself. Nothing of the + kind. The gentleman of GEORGE THE THIRD'S time devoted himself + to the pugilistic art; the gentleman of the time of VICTORIA + gives his attention to graphic art. The one was the patron of + fists, the other of fingers—that makes all the + difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes—MENDOZA the + Present opens them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, + you will find a pleasant collection of Eye Art—open to + all peepers. It is true it may not be High Art, but you will + find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful and comforting."</p> + + <p>Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since + the days of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is + "quite up to time, and smiling," with his present collection + (your Old PAR can't help using the argot of the P.R., and + brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to the Haymarket, in "<i>A + Bend in the River, near Maple Durham</i>." He shows us the + views of BURTON BARBER on "<i>Compulsory Education</i>," also a + wondrous picture of the "<i>Gate of the Great Mosque of + Damascus</i>," by BAUERNFEIND, "<i>A Venetian Brunette</i>," by + FILDES, and many other works that will well repay inspection, + but of which there is no space for anything more to be said by + yours par-enthetically,</p> + + <p class="author">OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Whoever walks beside the river (the + Ettrick), will observe five or six or more men and boys, + equipped with gigantic wading-breeches, busy in each pool. + They are only armed with rods and flies, and thus have a + false appearance of being fair fishers.... The truth is + that the apparent sportsmen are snigglers, not anglers. + They drive the top part of their rods deep into the water, + so as to rake the bottom, and then bring the hook out with + a jerk. Every now and then ... one of the persecuted fishes + ... is hauled out with short shrift."—<i>Daily + News.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are + sore</p> + + <p class="i2">As we think of the errors and wrongs we + have got to</p> + + <p>Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore</p> + + <p class="i2">The things people do, that they really + ought not to!</p> + + <p>With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"</p> + + <p class="i2">When the mention of Love only causes a + giggle,—</p> + + <p>But we'd manage to live and still hold up our + head,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were it not for the villain who ventures + to sniggle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake</p> + + <p class="i2">The bed of the river, and gallantly + wading,</p> + + <p>Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make</p> + + <p class="i2">Of genuine sport but a mere + masquerading.</p> + + <p>You might think him a fool for his trouble—but + look!</p> + + <p class="i2">(And it's true, though at first it + appears to be gammon)</p> + + <p>With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a + salmon!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire</p> + + <p class="i2">To hear of sport ruined by such a + proceeding;</p> + + <p>And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire</p> + + <p class="i2">To give the advice they so sadly seem + needing.</p> + + <p>Let them think, as they work their inglorious + plan,</p> + + <p class="i2">How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and + must wriggle;</p> + + <p>And may they in future all see if they can,</p> + + <p class="i2">By learning to angle, forget how to + sniggle!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231.png" + alt="IN OUR GARDEN" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had + not at all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our + onion-bed. This portion of the garden had been disappointing + from the first. Early in the Spring, when hope beat high, and + the young gardener's fancy lightly turned to thoughts of large + crops, SARK and I were resting after a frugal luncheon, when + ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open window. I knew from + his beaming face that something was wrong.</p> + + <p>Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head + gardener. We have no other, therefore he is the head. Out of + the garden he is known as PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who + insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. SARK had noticed that + about the time of the Flood there was singular deliberation in + entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not seem to be + thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. SHEM, + himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third son, + ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and + a father at thirty-five.</p> + + <p>"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has + escaped the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual + forwardness of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear + nothing more of ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things + move. Now what we want in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow + always up to date, if not ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS + by calling him ARPACHSHAD."</p> + + <p>WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a + matter of another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I + demurred, and it was finally compromised on the basis of a rise + of a shilling a-week. As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, + like many others he has put forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS + couldn't be slower in going round than is ARPACHSHAD. The only + time he ever displays any animation is when he discovers some + fresh disaster. When things are going well (which isn't often) + he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change for the worse. + When the worst comes he positively beams over it. Difficult to + say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, or in + one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the + discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is + always on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the + Frit-fly, or the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or + the Mustard Beetle,—"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls + him. To see, as is not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, + cherry-tree, or damson-tree, fading under the attack of the + caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes ARPACHSHAD a new man. + His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the gleam of faded + youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in softer + glance.</p> + + <p>"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring + afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done + for. Ever seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking + thing; pretty reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale + grey wings. About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the + sheath of the onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the + larvey burrowing down into the bulb; after which, there's + hardly any hope for your honion."</p> + + <p>"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I + was too down-hearted to speak.</p> + + <p>"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect + of interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag + of soot, wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully + sprinkle the plant, and let the soot wash in, <i>that</i> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" + id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> might save a few here and + there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe + them, it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how + it's worth the trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the + fly wants the honion, who are we that we should say it nay? + I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was you, I'd let things take their + swing. It's a terrible thing to go a interfering with + Nater."</p> + + <p>But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken + to run this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so + I got SARK to sweep out the flues of the furnace in the + greenhouse, in the course of which he broke several panes of + glass, not expecting, so he explained, to find the handle of + his brush so near the roof. We half filled a sack with soot, + and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for a wet day, + usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long deferred. + ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that rain + was coming—then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong + onion. "We waited just too long, not starting till the rain + began to fall. Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the + soot under conditions of moisture. But, as SARK said, having + put our hands to the soot-bag, we were not going to turn back. + Nor did we till we had completed the task, ARPACHSHAD looking + on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy rain would wash the + soot off before it could have any effect on the fly. On the + whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either ARPACHSHAD + had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by the + fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed and + blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking + exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in + the last chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the + heels, or rather the wings, of the <i>Anthomyia Ceparum</i>, + fell the <i>Peronospora Schleideniana.</i></p> + + <p>"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his + hands gleefully;—"but, when you get one on the top of + t'other, you don't look for much crop in that particular + year."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <p class="center"><i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i></p> + + <h3>No. V.—MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)</h3> + + <p class="center">SCENE I.—<i>Apartment of innocent but + temporarily impecunious person.</i></p> + + <p class="center">I.P. <i>discovered reading advertisements and + correspondence.</i></p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232.png" + alt="HOW IT'S DONE" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Humph! It <i>sounds</i> all + right. I <i>have</i> heard that these Loan-mongers are + sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But this one is surely + genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of considerate and + sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to one. No + inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has + clients, men of capital, but <i>not</i> speculators, who wish + to invest money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just + so! Note of hand of any respectable person sufficient. + <i>That</i>'s all right. Advance at a few hours' notice. + Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W. + That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would hardly + live <i>there</i>. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment + <i>at his own address</i>, as he suggests.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Does so, hopefully</i>.</p> + + <p class="center">SCENE II.—<i>Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., + at</i> 11 A.M. <i>Enter</i> Impecunious Person, + <i>hurriedly</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but + here's the place sure enough, and that's the number. Fine + house, too. Nothing sharkish about <i>this</i>, anyhow.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. + On door-step encounters another person, also apparently in a + hurry, and also consulting his watch. This person is perhaps a + trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but genially pompous and + semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, but stopping + suddenly, stares at</i> I.P., <i>and addresses + him.</i>—</p> + + <p>Ahem! I—a—beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by + any chance an appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a + Mr. MUGSNAP?</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Why—a—yes, as a matter of fact, I + have.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap</i>. Quite so. And your name is + SOFTSHELL?</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Well—yes, as a matter of fact, it is.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily</i>). Ah! that's all right. Well + met, Mr. SOFTSHELL! (<i>Produces letter</i>.) This is yours, I + fancy. The time was eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes + and a quarter behind. I was just off, for if I gave all my + clients seven minutes and a quarter grace, I should lose about + four hours a day, Sir. (<i>Laughs jovially</i>.) But no matter! + Just step this way. (<i>Produces latch-key</i>.) But no, on + second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step + across to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over + together with a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port + in London, BUMPUS sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate + it.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>They cross to "The Shades," where</i> + Mr. MUGSNAP <i>wins upon his companion by his hearty style, and + all difficulties in the way of "an early advance" are smoothed + away in a highly satisfactory manner. A couple of references, + of course, "just as a matter of form," and a couple of guineas + for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, merely + "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything + is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide + against</i> that, <i>you knew. Within three days at the + outside</i>, Mr. SOFTSHELL <i>is assured, that money will be in + his hands without fail. Meanwhile the "couple o' guineas" leave + his hands, and</i> Mr. MUGSNAP <i>leaves</i> him, <i>hopeful, + and admiring</i>.</p> + + <p><i>I.P. (strolling homeward</i>). Very pleasant person, Mr. + MUGSNAP. Quite a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How + worthy people get misrepresented! By the way, though, there's + one question I forgot to ask him. I'll just step back. Don't + suppose he has gone yet.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. + Knocks, and is answered by smart and austere-looking + Domestic.</i></p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just + <i>one</i> word more with him. Won't detain him a moment.</p> + + <p><i>Austere Domestic</i>. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, + pray? Don't know any sech persing.</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, + only an hour ago. Hasn't he returned?</p> + + <p><i>A.D. (emphatically</i>). I tell you there ain't no Mr. + MUGSNAP lives here at all.</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh <i>dear</i>, yes! Stout + gentleman—military appearance—white waistcoat!</p> + + <p><i>A.S. (scornfully</i>). Oh, <i>him</i>! I saw sech a party + 'anging about suspiciously awhile ago, and <i>spoke to the + perliceman about him</i>. But I don't know him, and he don't + live <i>here! [Shuts door sharply</i>.</p> + + <p><i>I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns + upon him!</i> ) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." <i>That's</i> + why he met me on the door-step. Of course he doesn't live here + at all. Gave a respectable address, and <i>watched for me + outside!</i> And the sleek-spoken shark is gone! So are my two + guineas!</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Retires a sadder, and a wiser + man</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MAN OF SCIENCE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing + article in <i>Blackwood,</i> on a new religion, that + science is equal to it.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center">PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM <i>sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place + reliance,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I hurl a stern defiance at what other + people say:</p> + + <p>Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, + HUXLEY, TYNDALL,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all preaching is a swindle, that's + the motto of to-day.</p> + + <p>I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic + attitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">And everything's a platitude that springs + not from my mind:</p> + + <p>I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,</p> + + <p class="i2">And every other 'ology that anyone can + find.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on + the shelf,</p> + + <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and + govern it myself.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had + affection</p> + + <p class="i2">For a curious collection from both + animals and man:</p> + + <p>I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little + cracked, I'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce + on anything I can.</p> + + <p>I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry + organical,</p> + + <p class="i2">I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I + must own:</p> + + <p>They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to + the Bosphorus:</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I + been never known.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on + the shelf;</p> + + <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and + govern it myself.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."—Question by the G.O.M. on + quitting the North,—"Stands Scotland where it did?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" + id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-1.png" + alt="MAN READING" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Read <i>The World and the Will</i>, by JAMES PAYN, says the + Baron. Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the + Colonies generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a + line he quotes, with a slight difference of spelling, in his + present three volumes, which is full of good things; his own + "asides" being, to my thinking, quoth the Baron, by far the + most enjoyable part of his books. Herein he resembles + THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader behind the + scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He comes + in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon + men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a + quirk, or proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, + before he resumes the story, and says, with the older + romancers, "But to our tale." Most companionable writer is + JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN to be seen + through.</p> + + <p>In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW + LANG has hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron + begs sincerely to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold + mine as a book-title series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, + and LANGMAN'S—no, beg pardon—LONGMANS published + <i>The Blue Fairy Book.</i> The <i>Blue Fairy Book</i>, when it + appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year the MERRY + ANDREW issues <i>The Red Fairy Book</i>, which, of course, will + be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it + stop? Why should it stop? Next year there'll be <i>The Green + Fairy Book</i>; in '92 the <i>Yellow Fairy Book</i> (commencing + with new version of <i>Yellow Dwarf</i>), then the White, then + the Black, then the Ver-millionth edition, and so on and so on, + <i>ad infinitum</i>, through all the possible stages of the + combination and permutation of colour.</p> + + <p><i>The Magazine of Art for 1890</i>, published by CASSELL + & Co., is one of the best of its kind for pictures and + Art-articles, The Mixture as before.</p> + + <p>"Christmas is coming"—but the Publishers seem to think + that the Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we + know the proverbial history of to-morrow. However, to humour + the up-to-date notion, the Baron recommends to his young + friends who wish to amuse their elders, <i>Dolldom</i>, a + dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN + PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very + funny play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. + WILLIAMS.</p> + + <p>BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their + indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: <i>By Right of Conquest; or, + With Cortez in Mexico</i>. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by + his marvellous adventures, proves <i>his</i> right to be a hero + in the Conquest of Mexico. Of a more modern date is <i>A + Chapter of Accidents</i>, which deals with the Bombardment of + Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through many + chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. <i>A + Rough Shaking</i>, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' + book, while <i>The Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,</i> + by the same author, will please the Baron's old-fashioned + fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.</p> + + <p>Whoever possesses the <i>Henry Irving + Shakspeare</i>,—started originally by my dear old + enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now concluded + by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,—possesses + a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all + valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which + is the highest praise.</p> + + <p>MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an <i>Inconnue</i>. They + were written to his paper, the <i>Tribune</i>, and have + redressed the balance between the Old World and the New by + furnishing New York from week to week with brilliant, incisive, + and faithful pictures of life in London. The initials, + "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar + throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." + in the still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees + everything, knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn + a great deal more of what is going on in London than some of us + who live here. Most public men of the present day, whether in + politics, literature, or art, have, all unconsciously, sat to + "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift of seizing the salient points + of a character, and reproducing them in a few pellucid + sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who will be + delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just + enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not + its topic. <i>Personalities</i> is the alluring title of the + first volume, which contains forty-two studies of character. It + is dangerous kind of work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully + steered his passage. Written for a newspaper, <i>London + Letters</i> (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than journalism. + They will take their place in Literature.</p> + + <p>November Number of the <i>English Illustrated Magazine</i>, + excellent. Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and + Lord SELBORNE'S introduction. The COOKE who presides in this + particular kitchen serves up a capital dish every + month—and "quite English, you know."</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume + called <i>The Decline and Fall of the British Empire</i>, + written by "Anonymous," and published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. + The tome deals with Australia, rather than England, and is + dated a thousand years hence; so those who have no immediate + leisure will have plenty of time to read it before the events + therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.</p> + + <p>I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled + <i>The Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West + Africa</i>. These Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. + Black-sheepish lot apparently, as being in West Africa. Major + ELLIS is the author also of <i>The Tshi-speaking People</i>. + These last must be either timidly bashful, or else a very T-shi + lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>An Intercepted Letter</i>.)</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-2.png" + alt="LUCRETIA WITH OPERA-GLASSES" /></a> + </div> + + <p>DEAREST BECKY,—I have had <i>such</i> luck! Oh, + <i>so</i> fortunate! Fancy, we <i>did</i> get in, after all! + You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, has a friend a + barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the door of + the Court at eleven, he <i>thought</i> he could slip us in. And + he did, my dear—he did! We got <i>capital</i> places, and + as we had brought with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a + real good time of it," as your brother calls it! We had our + work, too, and so were <i>quite</i> comfortable. The + night-charges were <i>such</i> fun! A lot of men and women were + brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" + (that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the + women was very old—such a silly frump!—she was + still dreadfully intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, <i>of + course</i>, but we couldn't help laughing! She was <i>such</i> + a figure before they got rid of her! But this was only the + overture to the drama. After the night-charges were over, the + Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. + WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the + Press! He said that MARY contributed to the <i>Blood and + Thunder News</i>, and I to the <i>Murder Gazette</i>! I am sure + it must have been in <i>fun</i>, for we have never <i>seen</i> + the papers. When lunch was over, in came the Magistrate with + <i>a number</i> of the "<i>smartest</i>" people! Really, I was + <i>quite delighted</i> to be in such <i>good</i> company. All + sorts of <i>nice</i> people. And then—oh—it was + <i>lovely</i>! We saw <i>her quite</i> close, and could watch + the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather pretty! She + was wearing her <i>ordinary</i> clothes; not the workhouse, nor + the ones <i>with the blood on them</i>, but some that had been + sent in to her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. + They are <i>simply capital</i>, darling! We were much amused + with <i>his</i> evidence; and it was really <i>excellent</i> + fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! But I am not + sure <i>he</i> cared for them! We got away in <i>excellent</i> + time, and I hope to go again. I am trying <i>very hard</i> + (should it come to anything) to be present at the <i>last scene + of all!</i> Wouldn't that be <i>lovely</i>? I should have to be + at the place, though, at <i>ten minutes to eight o'clock!</i> I + don't think I should go to bed that night <i>at all!</i> If I + did, I am <i>sure</i> I should not sleep! It would be so very, + <i>very</i> interesting! And now, my <i>dearest</i>, + good-bye.</p> + + <p class="center">Your ever <i>most</i> affectionate friend,</p> + + <p class="author">LUCRETIA.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."—In its most useful and + instructive theatrical column last Sunday's <i>Observer</i> + (the only Observer of a Sunday in London!) inserted this + notice:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' + Club, Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR + JONES read his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very + hard on poor HENRY DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a + few minutes of peace (not "piece," <i>bien entendu</i>) to + himself. Leave him alone to take his ease at his Club.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.—At a recent + meeting of Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but + MOST escaped.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" + id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/234.png" + alt="A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH" /></a> + + <h3>A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.</h3> + + <p>"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"</p> + + <p>"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS—AND TWA OF THEM + SNAPPIT UP BY THE SAWBATH!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;</h2> + + <p class="center"><i>Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little + Master County Council</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till + it was too large for its habitation.... It became the + terror of the country, and, among other enormities, levied + a daily contribution ... in default of which it would + devour both man and beast.... Young LAMBTON was extremely + shocked at witnessing the effects of his youthful + imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."—<i>Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as + related by Surtees.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old stories tell how Hercules</p> + + <p class="i2">At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"</p> + + <p>And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)</p> + + <p class="i2">The Durham men still brag on.</p> + + <p>How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm</p> + + <p>Old legends tell (they <i>can't</i> lie!);</p> + + <p>And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at + all,"</p> + + <p class="i2">He slew the Dragon of Wantley.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Dragon here is a bigger beast</p> + + <p class="i2">Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;</p> + + <p>On poor men's bodies he doth feast,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ill-got gold long hoarded.</p> + + <p>He hath iron claws, and from his jaws</p> + + <p class="i2">Foul fumings are emitted.</p> + + <p>The folks, his prey, who cross his way,</p> + + <p class="i2">Are sorely to be pitied.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Have you not heard how the Trojan horse</p> + + <p class="i2">Held seventy men inside him?</p> + + <p><i>This</i> Dragon's bigger, and of such force</p> + + <p class="i2">That none may rein or ride him.</p> + + <p>Men hour by hour he doth devour,</p> + + <p class="i2">And would they with him grapple,</p> + + <p>At one big sup he'll gobble them up,</p> + + <p class="i2">As schoolboys munch an apple.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;</p> + + <p class="i2">But his favourite food's poor people,</p> + + <p>But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,</p> + + <p class="i2">From cottage to church steeple.</p> + + <p>Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hath grown, and grown, and grown, + Sir,</p> + + <p>And many a lair of dim despair</p> + + <p class="i2">The Worm hath made its own, Sir.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm</p> + + <p class="i2">Hath made a loathly den,</p> + + <p>And there hath fed for a weary term</p> + + <p class="i2">On the bodies and souls of men.</p> + + <p>There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst in its coils close prest</p> + + <p>Are the things it thrives on—"Landlord + Power,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And "Vested Interest."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?</p> + + <p class="i2">Lo! a champion appears.</p> + + <p>He seems but small, and he looks not old—</p> + + <p class="i2">A youth of scarce three years.</p> + + <p>But "he hath put on his coat of mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thick set with razors all,"</p> + + <p>And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,</p> + + <p class="i2">On that Dragon's crest to fall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,</p> + + <p class="i2">He to the fight advances.</p> + + <p>Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,</p> + + <p class="i2">With caution in his glances.</p> + + <p>If he make shift that sword to lift,</p> + + <p class="i2">And smite that Dragon dead,</p> + + <p>No hero young song yet hath sung</p> + + <p class="i2">A fouler pest hath sped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!</p> + + <p class="i2">That two-edged blade is big, Sir!</p> + + <p>That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be</p> + + <p class="i2">"Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,</p> + + <p>(As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,</p> + + <p class="i2">In his quaint and curious story.)</p> + + <p>If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's + praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">And legendary glory.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When London's streets are haunts of health</p> + + <p class="i2">(Ah! happy if distant, when)</p> + + <p>And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth</p> + + <p class="i2">Feeds not on the filthy den;</p> + + <p>The men to this champion's memory</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall lift the brimming flagon,</p> + + <p>And drink with glee to young County C,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.—Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now + wishes he had gone on his exploration journey quite alone, + without any travelling TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth + mentioning here, that, up to now, the only mention of + difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is to be found in a + little shilling book recently published by Messrs. TRISCHLER + & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, + entitled, <i>A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa</i>. + Whether H.M. STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to + be seen. We must have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear + Column before we rear a column to STANLEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the <i>Standard</i>, are + in future to be the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not + beer, but fish. There are to be "no takers" at present, so the + cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" + id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/235.png" + alt='THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON—AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL' /> + </a> + + <h3>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON—AND YOUNG COUNTY + COUNCIL.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <!-- blank page 236--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" + id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237.png" + alt="HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1" /></a> + + <h3>HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best + thing of the Season</i>). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING + BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT THE LAST FENCE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OPERATIC NOTES.</h3> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Welcome once more to our old friend, + <i>Norma, the Deceived Druidess</i>, who was called + <i>Norma</i> for short, she being an orphan, and having "nor + par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, with Arch-Druid + <i>Oroveso</i> in the chair, might have had a better brass + band. <i>Norma</i> nowadays is not particularly attractive, and + the house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than + normal or ordinary.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.—Orféo.</i> First appearance of + Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA RAVOGLI in GLÜCK'S beautiful + Opera, which has not been seen here for many years, + but—judging from its reception by a full and delighted + house—will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season + comes to an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as + <i>Orpheus</i>; double recall after three of the four Acts; + house insisting on having "<i>Che farò</i>" all over + again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. + Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of + Erebus for a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. + Demons lie on rocks, with silver serpents round their necks as + comforters, claw the air, and trot round in circles, after + which they exhibit Dutch-metalled walking-sticks to one another + with sombre pride. Furies trip measures and strike attitudes in + pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues, when not + engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental + dances by two <i>premières danseuses.</i> Hades + evidently less dull than generally supposed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTION.—Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap + proprietor has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his + invention as "<i>Tabula Rasa."</i> This is worth thousands, and + takes the cake—of soap.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUIS NOMINABIT?</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a + "British Academy of Letters</i>.")</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p> + + <p>I have been reading with some morbid interest a series + of contributions to the pages of a contemporary from + several more or less distinguished literary men who have + apparently been invited to express their opinions, + favourable or the reverse, on the recently launched + proposition to establish in our midst, after the French + model, a "British Academy of Letters." Some ask, "What's + the use?" Others want to know who is to elect the elected, + and seem much exercised in their minds as to the status and + qualifications of those who ought to be chosen for the + purpose of discharging this all-important function. As to + what would be the use of an institution of the kind, the + answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to reply to + it. But if it comes to naming a representative body capable + of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants who have + already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has + been entrusted the duty of weighing their respective + merits—well then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may + confidently say that "I am all there!"</p> + + <p>Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, + say, twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the + Prince of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some + generally widely-known personage, who has the literary + confidence of the public, and in this connection, I have no + hesitation in supplying it by that of the Compiler of + <i>Bradshaw's Railway Guide</i>. Several now should follow, + of varied and even conflicting interests, so as to satisfy + any over-captious criticism inclined to question the + thoroughly cosmopolitan character of the elective body. And + so I next add, Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke + of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle + of the Burlington Arcade.</p> + + <p>It might now be well to give a distinctively literary + flavour to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my + list with the names of the Poet Laureate and the City + Editor of <i>Tit Bits</i>, following them up with the + representatives of commercial enterprise, speculative art, + and sportive leisure, guaranteed respectively by the names + of the Chairman of the Chelsea Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. + D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY OP BATTENBERG. For the + twelfth, and remaining name, I would suggest that of Mr. + HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the Manager of + Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir WILFRID LAWSON, General + BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or any other striking or + notable one that arrests the eye with the familiarity of + long acquaintance. With the existing deplorable position of + the Pantomime literature of the country, there can be + little need to question further the necessity of a British + Academy of Letters. The naming of those who are to + constitute that institution is another thing; but if an + authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this inevitable + function, is sought, and the public puts the question, + "<i>Quis Nominabit</i>?" I think, Sir, you will admit that + I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting to + your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication,</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em">I am, Sir, your obedient + servant,</p> + + <p class="author">A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>BEFORE AND BEHIND.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>From a Thoughtful Grammarian</i>.)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR,—In the <i>Times</i>' Court Circular, on + Friday last, I read that—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of + singing before Her MAJESTY and the Royal Family."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before + the QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and + Royal Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But + suppose "before" does not here relate to time, but to + position. It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well + worth recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of + sinking <i>behind</i> the Royal Family. And then, what a + compliment if Her Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had + all turned round to listen to him! If I am wrong in my + interpretation of the Court Circular's Circular Note, + wouldn't it have prevented any possible error to have said, + "In the presence of"? I only ask for information, and + am</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-2em">Yours,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-2em">FIDELITER.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.—The "General," who + is the biggest BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he + had been offered a big tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? + "Anywhere, anywhere out of the world "—at least, out of + our little world of Great Britain & Co. Let not "the + General" be too particular, but accept the tract,—though + he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting + them,—and let him and his army, his lads and lasses, go + away and leave us to enjoy our Sundays in peace and quiet.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW CITY FIRM (<i>adapted from West End by Our Own + Scotchman</i>).—"SAVORY AND MAYOR."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" + id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238.png" + alt="SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY" /></a> + + <h3>SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN + SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" + id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239.png" + alt="NOSTALGIA" /></a> + + <h3>NOSTALGIA.</h3> + + <p>"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME + NORTH. IT'S THE CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I + S'POSE!"</p> + + <p>"IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. IT'S THE CHANGE OF + BEER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.</h3> + + <p class="bracket">SCENE—<i>A Suburban Hall. The + Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited, and + low-spirited, and may perhaps number—including the + Attendants—eighteen. The only people in the front seats + are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal + under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog + is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a + melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. + Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the + middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he + suddenly thinks better—or worse—of it, puts them on + again, and vanishes hurriedly.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway</i>). Reg'lar + turnin' em away to-night, <i>we</i> are!</p> + + <p><i>Second Sardonic Attendant</i>. He come up to me afore he + goes to the pay-box, and sez he—"Is there a seat left?" + he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I <i>think</i> we can manage + to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The Orchestra, consisting of two + thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a + stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano</i>. Herr Von + KAMBERWOHL, <i>the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud + clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.</i></p> + + <p><i>Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent).</i> Lyties and + Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', + I 'ave, most hemphadically to repoodiate hall hassistance from + hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall + 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight + of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (<i>He invites any member of the + Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain + coy.</i>) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to + select from as usual, still I 'ope——(<i>Here one of + the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the + platform.</i> ) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair moch oblige to you, + Sare. (<i>The Confederate grins sheepishly.</i>) Led me + see—I seem to remember your face some'ow. (<i>Broader + grin from Confederate.</i>) Hah, you vos 'ere last + night?—zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me + befoor, eh? (<i>Reckless shake of the head from + Confederate.</i>) I thought nod. <i>Vair</i> veil. You 'ave + nevaire done any dricks mit carts—no? Bot you vill dry? + You nevaire dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow + said ven she learn ze halphabet. (<i>He pauses for a + laugh—which doesn't come.</i>) Now, Sare, you know a cart + ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask + you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (<i>The + Confederate fumbles.</i>) I don't vish to 'urry you—but I + vant you to mike 'aste—&c, &c.</p> + + <p><i>The Man in Evening Dress</i>. I remember giving BIMBO, + the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that + trick—there was nothing in it.</p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. And can you <i>do</i> + it?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (guardedly</i>). Well, I don't know that I + could exactly do it <i>now</i>—but I know how it's + done.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>He explains elaborately how it is + done</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may + leave off).</i> Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion + of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And + I shall be moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me + viz 'is 'at for ze burpose of my exberiment.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Here's mine—it's quite at your + service. [<i>To his companions.</i> ] This is a stale old + trick, he merely—(<i>explains as before.</i> ) But you + wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K. (to the</i> M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, + Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours</i>). On + the contrary, there are several little things there belonging + to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K. (diving into the hat</i>). So? Vat 'ave we + 'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? + Anozzer—<i>and</i> anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry + flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Invariably—to keep my head cool; + so hand them over, please; I want them.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>His Companions titter, and declare "it + really is</i> too <i>bad of him!"</i></p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K.</i>. Bresently, Sare,—zere is somtings + ailse, it feels loike—yes, it ees—a mahouse-drap. + Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none + 'ere in ze 'at!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation</i>.) I + never said there were.</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K</i>. No, zere is no + mahouse—bot—[<i>diving again</i>]—ha! a + leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide + rad—and one, two, dree <i>more</i> vide rads! You vind + zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to + com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze vide rads myself, it is + madder of daste. [<i>The Audience snigger.</i> ] Oh, but + vait—zis is a <i>most</i> gonvenient + 'at—[<i>extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete + set of baby-linen</i>]—ze shentelman is vairy domestic, I + see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, he knows how + von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I + vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for + 'im.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>He showers cards, commending somebody's + self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person + receiving about two dozen—chiefly in the eye—until + the air is dark, and the floor thick with them.</i></p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (much annoyed</i>). Infernal liberty! + Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had <i>my</i> hat if I 'd + known he was going to play the fool with it like this!</p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. But I thought you knew + what was coming?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. So I did—but this fellow does it + differently.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[Herr VON K. <i>is preparing to fire a + marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal + casket</i>.</p> + + <p><i>A Lady with Nerves (to her husband</i>). JOHN, I'm + <i>sure</i> he's going to let that thing off!</p> + + <p><i>John (a Brute</i>). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he + is. <i>I</i> can't help it.</p> + + <p><i>The L. with N</i>. You could if you liked—you could + tell him my nerves won't stand it—the trick will be every + <i>bit</i> as good if he only <i>pretends</i> to fire, I'm + sure.</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. Oh, nonsense!—you can stand it very well + if you <i>like</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I <i>can't</i>, John.... There, he's + raising it to his shoulder. JOHN, I <i>must</i> go out. I shall + scream if I sit here, I <i>know</i> I shall!</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. No, no—what's the use? He'll have fired + long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you + are, and do your screaming sitting down. (<i>The Conjuror + fires.</i>) There, you see, you <i>didn't</i> scream, after + all!</p> + + <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I screamed to <i>myself</i>—which + is ever so much worse for me; but you never <i>will</i> + understand me till it's too late!</p> + + <p class="author">[Herr VON K. <i>performs another + trick.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. That was very clever, + wasn't it? I can't <i>imagine</i> how it was done!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat + is still rankling</i>). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the + world—any child could do it!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. What, find the rabbit inside those + boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. You don't mean to say you were taken + in by <i>that</i>? Why, it was another rabbit, of + course!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" + id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. But even if it <i>was</i> another rabbit, + it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if + all the boxes have false bottoms.</p> + + <p><i>Second L</i>. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us + to examine.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Boxes—but not <i>those</i> + boxes.</p> + + <p><i>First L</i>. But how could he slip the watch in when + somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Ah, <i>I</i> saw how it was + done—but it would take too long to explain it now. I + <i>have</i> seen it so well performed that you <i>couldn't</i> + spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!</p> + + <p><i>Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather + disturbing</i>). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von + among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all + my leedle dricks is done. Now—<i>suddenly abandoning his + accent</i>—I am always griteful for hanythink that will + distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on + upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from + follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this + gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little + louder than what he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled + to 'ear hevery word of his hexplanation more puffickly than + what some of you in the back benches have done 'itherto. Now, + Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinterestin' remarks in + a more haudible tone, I can go on between like.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We + don't want to hear him!" from various places</i>; The Man in + Evening Dress <i>subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which + continues during the remainder of the performance</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240.png" + alt='"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"' /></a> + + <h3>"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"</h3> + + <p>"OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON! I DID HOT SEE YOU SIR!"</p> + + <p>"SEE ME! CONFOUND IT, SIR, YOU CAN SEE <i>THROUGH</i> ME + NOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases.</h3> + + <p class="center">JOURNALISTIC.</p> + + <p>"<i>Inspector —— gives you the impression of a + particularly able and open-minded Police-officer;" i.e.</i>, + "An easy prey to the interviewing correspondent."</p> + + <p>"<i>It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly + shrewd and able young Solicitor would be</i> very + <i>communicative about his client's case;" i.e.</i>, "Knew + precious little himself, and didn't even offer me a drink."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.—The great Berlin + Bacteriologist.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.</h3> + + <p>They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum + differculty in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst + week, for to go with a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most + himportent hexcurshun to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the + trees down, so that then it woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not + no longer! Howewer, by promisin for to stick to the "Grand" all + thro' the cumming Winter, the too Gentelmanly Managers let me + go.</p> + + <p>The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of + staggerers, was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand + Royal Saloon all to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but + my estonishment ceased when I saw that they was Chairmaned by + the same "King of good fellers" as took 'em all to Ship Lake on + a prewious ocasion. They didn't have not no refreshments all + the way to Slough, so they was naterally all pretty well harf + starved by the time they got there, but there they found a + lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted Natur, + and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only arf + parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, a + rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the + Party, declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the + Sunshine which was shining most brillient outside the room, and + acordingly off he set a warking up and down in it for three + quorters of a hour, without not no wittels nor no drink! till + "the King of all good fellers" coodn't stand it not no longer, + and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and a bottel of + Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one + glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, + which I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it + arterwards, the cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but + I thinks I can wenture to say as that not one drop of it was + wasted, and werry good it was too.</p> + + <p>We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of + one of the Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up + hinside. Sumhows or other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel + Lunch or not, I don't kno, we lost our way, and found ourselves + at larst, not where we all wanted to be, but at a most + bewtifool House of call, where they has the werry sensebel + custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff drink, + they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally + the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether + it's a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. + FOURBES, the souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink + woodn't injuice 'em to alter the name. Whether that singler + custom had anythink to do with it I don't kno, but our party + didn't stay there long, and we soon found ourselves at + bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.</p> + + <p>In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling + of the himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I + strolled off to a little willage as I seed in the distance, and + which is acshally called Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than + Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome of my herly birth! From a + rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real Native, I gathered the + himportant fack that the one reason why all the great big Beach + Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, that + OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as + to make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their + Hed to the Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting + hinformashun we can get from the werry humblest of our Feller + Creturs when we goes the rite way to git it!</p> + + <p>I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry + senserbil reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best + munth to see whether Trees was really dead, or was ony + shamming, so they determined, like true patriots as they is, to + adjourn the matter till the 1st of next April, by which time + they woud be able to decide.</p> + + <p>On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke + Pogies Church, where some great Poet was buried long long ago, + who had wrote a most lovely Poem there, all about what could be + seen from the Churchyard of an evening, and one of the party + said, that the sperrit of the bewtifool seen and of the luvly + Poem was so strong upon him, that, if they woud stand round the + Toom, he woud try to recite some of its sweetest lines, and he + did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was a driving back, + that more than one among them had his eyes filled with plessant + tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me to + write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not + anybody when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was + taken for to make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and + share in the rapshur as such poems seems to inspire in our + betters, it might help to smooth, if not to shorten, the long + dreary road as lies between the Hignorant and the + Heddicated.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:10em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12517-h/images/229.png b/12517-h/images/229.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..560637b --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/229.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/230.png b/12517-h/images/230.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d810ef2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/230.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/231.png b/12517-h/images/231.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1160128 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/231.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/232.png b/12517-h/images/232.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c14cfd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/232.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/233-1.png b/12517-h/images/233-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3785972 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/233-1.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/233-2.png b/12517-h/images/233-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8ee75e --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/233-2.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/234.png b/12517-h/images/234.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f3f390 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/234.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/235.png b/12517-h/images/235.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73b84fe --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/235.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/237.png b/12517-h/images/237.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0538fc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/237.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/238.png b/12517-h/images/238.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c86b7b --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/238.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/239.png b/12517-h/images/239.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..088b1f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/239.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/240.png b/12517-h/images/240.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..71f4889 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/240.png diff --git a/12517-h/images/pointer.png b/12517-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6309484 --- /dev/null +++ b/12517-h/images/pointer.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee90425 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12517 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12517) diff --git a/old/12517-8.txt b/old/12517-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..119ac1e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12517-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1776 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +November 15, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 99. + + + +NOVEMBER 15, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING. + +(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald +Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._ + + [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We + have referred to it as we went along, and found everything + quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish + the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our + readers. The story itself was written in a very clear, + legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia + Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling + cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for + returned empties."] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty +is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special +reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this +particular pig-sty. + +The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she +grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to +show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness +of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had +begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that +her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah, +that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in +the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I +droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life +is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter +is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and +the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the +commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the +question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the +class, all of you. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER II. + + +As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitués_ I scarcely +need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if +you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a +stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I +went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was +sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that +he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows +with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called +"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single +word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without +difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was +resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival +humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was +not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch +weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we +watched the preparations for the impending conflict. + + +CHAPTER III. + + +After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow +with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA. + +"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?" + +HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered. + +"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist. +I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the +world, am thinkin." + +This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of +his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me +feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest +hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to +come to an end? PETE took up the talking. + +"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S +snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts +out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can +match wi' TAMMAS." + +He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for +coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said +nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger +spoke. + +"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some +experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to +do a large business." + +He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen +glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course +for a sarcasm. + +"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin' +to be a humorist." + +This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes +on the stranger. + +"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I +make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights. +Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a +house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost +in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my +wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, +holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. +Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes +happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he +produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have +a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of +the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some +particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my +bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides," +adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing +when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this +banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and +children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you +don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it +never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to +set against that, my friend?" + +We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and +he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his +ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then +TAMMAS began-- + +"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's +mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk, +and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter. +When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on +other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's +lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo +then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'" + +We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from +the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a +senseless mass. + +"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur +ye are! What pit that in your heed?" + +"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle; +"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the +humour o' it comes in." + +"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the +whole, I agree with him. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will +probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.] + +_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG +ENOUGH!" + +_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"] + + ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the + usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below + the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure + as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News, + on the City & South London Electric Company_.] + +"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:-- + + Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am! + No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt! + You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am; + I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert. + Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous, + 'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint; + You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows, + And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint! + Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am; + I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long; + He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am! + High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong. + Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling, + As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star? + Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling! + So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR. + + He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy, + And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat. + As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur; + Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that! + You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty, + So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark. + He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty + To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark. + A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover, + My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_; + If I do not woo you the sunny earth over. + At least I lend light to love-making below. + + He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger; + _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me! + He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger. + _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee! + + His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended. + Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall! + I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid, + As clean as a palace, not black as a pall. + Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction + Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game. + You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love, + And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame. + + [_Carries her off in triumph._ + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King, +MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in +Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King +Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say, +history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE +THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman +of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one +was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the +difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens +them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a +pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may +not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful +and comforting." + +Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days +of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time, +and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help +using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to +the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows +us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a +wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by +BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works +that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for +anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING). + + ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe + five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic + wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with + rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being + fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are + snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods + deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring + the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of + the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short + shrift."--_Daily News._] + + Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore + As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to + Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore + The things people do, that they really ought not to! + With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed," + When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,-- + But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head, + Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle. + + With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake + The bed of the river, and gallantly wading, + Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make + Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading. + You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look! + (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon) + With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook, + The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon! + + As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire + To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding; + And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire + To give the advice they so sadly seem needing. + Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan, + How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle; + And may they in future all see if they can, + By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle! + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at +all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This +portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early +in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy +lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting +after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open +window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong. + +Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have +no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as +PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. +SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular +deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not +seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. +SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third +son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a +father at thirty-five. + +"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped +the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness +of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of +ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want +in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not +ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD." + +WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of +another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it +was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week. +As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put +forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round +than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is +when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well +(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change +for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it. +Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, +or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the +discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always +on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or +the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard +Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is +not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree, +fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes +ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the +gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in +softer glance. + +"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring +afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever +seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty +reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings. +About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the +onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down +into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion." + +"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too +down-hearted to speak. + +"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of +interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot, +wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the +plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and +there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them, +it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the +trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion, +who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was +you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a +interfering with Nater." + +But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run +this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to +sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of +which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained, +to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a +sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for +a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long +deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that +rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion. +"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall. +Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of +moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag, +we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the +task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy +rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on +the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either +ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by +the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed +and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking +exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last +chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or +rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora +Schleideniana._ + +"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands +gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't +look for much crop in that particular year." + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A Hand-book to Honesty._ + +NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.) + +SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._ + +I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._ + +[Illustration] + +_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard +that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But +this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of +considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to +one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has +clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest +money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand +of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at +a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph +Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would +hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at +his own address_, as he suggests. + +[_Does so, hopefully_. + + +SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious +Person, _hurriedly_. + +_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place +sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish +about _this_, anyhow. + +[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters +another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his +watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but +genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, +but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._-- + +Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an +appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP? + +_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have. + +_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL? + +_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is. + +_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr. +SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was +eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I +was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter +grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.) +But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on +second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across +to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with +a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS +sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it. + +[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his +companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an +early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A +couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a +couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, +merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything +is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_ +that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is +assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the +"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him, +_hopeful, and admiring_. + +_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite +a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get +misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to +ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet. + +[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by +smart and austere-looking Domestic._ + +_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more +with him. Won't detain him a moment. + +_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't +know any sech persing. + +_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour +ago. Hasn't he returned? + +_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives +here at all. + +_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white +waistcoat! + +_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about +suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But +I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_. + +_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him! +_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the +door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable +address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is +gone! So are my two guineas! + +[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN OF SCIENCE. + + [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article + in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to + it.] + +PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:-- + + I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance, + And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say: + Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL, + And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day. + I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude, + And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind: + I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology, + And every other 'ology that anyone can find. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf, + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection + For a curious collection from both animals and man: + I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll + Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can. + I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical, + I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own: + They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus: + Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf; + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + * * * * * + +OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the +North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron. +Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies +generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes, +with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes, +which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking, +quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein +he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader +behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He +comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon +men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or +proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes +the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most +companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN +to be seen through. + +In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has +hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely +to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title +series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg +pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy +Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year +the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will +be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why +should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in +'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow +Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth +edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible +stages of the combination and permutation of colour. + +_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one +of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as +before. + +"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the +Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial +history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the +Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders, +_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN +PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny +play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS. + +BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their +indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With +Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous +adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico. +Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with +the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through +many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough +Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The +Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will +please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time. + +Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally +by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now +concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses +a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all +valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the +highest praise. + +MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to +his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the +Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with +brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The +initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar +throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the +still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything, +knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more +of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most +public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or +art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift +of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in +a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who +will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just +enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its +topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume, +which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of +work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for +a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than +journalism. They will take their place in Literature. + +November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent. +Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S +introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves +up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know." + +My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The +Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and +published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia, +rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who +have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before +the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity. + +I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The +Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These +Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot +apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of +_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful, +or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, +says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY." + +(_An Intercepted Letter_.) + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we +_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, +has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the +door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he +did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought +with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it," +as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_ +comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women +were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" +(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the +women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully +intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help +laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this +was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were +over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. +WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press! +He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I +to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for +we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the +Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was +_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_ +people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close, +and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather +pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor +the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to +her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply +capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was +really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! +But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_ +time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come +to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that +be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes +to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at +all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very, +_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_ +affectionate friend, + +LUCRETIA. + + * * * * * + +"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical +column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in +London!) inserted this notice:-- + + "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club, + Henrietta Street, Tuesday next." + +Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read +his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY +DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not +"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease +at his Club. + + * * * * * + +UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of +Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH. + +"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!" + +"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE +SAWBATH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON; + +_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_. + + ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for + its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and, + among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in + default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young + LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of + his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by + Surtees._] + + Old stories tell how Hercules + At Lerna slew a "Dragon;" + And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES) + The Durham men still brag on. + How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm + Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!); + And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all," + He slew the Dragon of Wantley. + + Our Dragon here is a bigger beast + Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did; + On poor men's bodies he doth feast, + And ill-got gold long hoarded. + He hath iron claws, and from his jaws + Foul fumings are emitted. + The folks, his prey, who cross his way, + Are sorely to be pitied. + + Have you not heard how the Trojan horse + Held seventy men inside him? + _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force + That none may rein or ride him. + Men hour by hour he doth devour, + And would they with him grapple, + At one big sup he'll gobble them up, + As schoolboys munch an apple. + + All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat; + But his favourite food's poor people, + But he 'd swallow a city, street by street, + From cottage to church steeple. + Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear, + Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir, + And many a lair of dim despair + The Worm hath made its own, Sir. + + In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm + Hath made a loathly den, + And there hath fed for a weary term + On the bodies and souls of men. + There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower, + Whilst in its coils close prest + Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power," + And "Vested Interest." + + Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold? + Lo! a champion appears. + He seems but small, and he looks not old-- + A youth of scarce three years. + But "he hath put on his coat of mail, + Thick set with razors all," + And a blade as big as a thresher's nail, + On that Dragon's crest to fall. + + And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE, + He to the fight advances. + Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er, + With caution in his glances. + If he make shift that sword to lift, + And smite that Dragon dead, + No hero young song yet hath sung + A fouler pest hath sped. + + Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.! + That two-edged blade is big, Sir! + That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be + "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir, + (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says, + In his quaint and curious story.) + If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise, + And legendary glory. + + When London's streets are haunts of health + (Ah! happy if distant, when) + And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth + Feeds not on the filthy den; + The men to this champion's memory + Shall lift the brimming flagon, + And drink with glee to young County C, + Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon! + + * * * * * + +A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had +gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling +TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to +now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is +to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs. +TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, +entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M. +STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must +have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a +column to STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be +the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are +to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1. + +_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the +Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT +THE LAST FENCE!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the +Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an +orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, +with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass +band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the +house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or +ordinary. + +_Thursday.--Orféo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA +RAVOGLI in GLÜCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for +many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted +house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to +an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double +recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che +farò_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. +Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for +a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks, +with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air, +and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled +walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures +and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues, +when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental +dances by two _premières danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than +generally supposed. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor +has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula +Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap. + + * * * * * + +QUIS NOMINABIT? + +(_Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.") + + MR. PUNCH, SIR, + + I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of + contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more + or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been + invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse, + on the recently launched proposition to establish in our + midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters." + Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to + elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds + as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to + be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important + function. As to what would be the use of an institution of + the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to + reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body + capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants + who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been + entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well + then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that + "I am all there!" + + Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say, + twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince + of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally + widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of + the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in + supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway + Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even + conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious + criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan + character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor + of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. + + It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour + to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the + names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_, + following them up with the representatives of commercial + enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed + respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea + Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY + OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I + would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of + CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir + WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or + any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with + the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing + deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the + country, there can be little need to question further the + necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those + who are to constitute that institution is another thing; + but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this + inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the + question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit + that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting + to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication, + + I am, Sir, your obedient servant, + + A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN. + + * * * * * + +BEFORE AND BEHIND. + +(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.) + + SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read + that-- + + "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her + MAJESTY and the Royal Family." + + This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the + QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal + Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose + "before" does not here relate to time, but to position. + It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth + recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking + _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her + Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to + listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the + Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any + possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask + for information, and am + + Yours, + + FIDELITER. + + * * * * * + +A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest +BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big +tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of +the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co. +Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though +he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let +him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy +our Sundays in peace and quiet. + + * * * * * + +NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY +AND MAYOR." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN +SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOSTALGIA. + +"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE +CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. +IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR. + + +SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. +The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps +number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the +front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to +conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog +is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy +dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending +Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty +row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or +worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._ + +_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away +to-night, _we_ are! + +_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the +pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to +'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like +that, I sez. + + [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, + with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a + cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on + platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates + in a back row._ + +_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I +co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to +repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins +vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform +by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member +of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain +coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select +from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates +slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am +vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) +Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from +Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you +'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from +Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any +dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan +do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He +pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart +ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to +choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) +I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c. + +_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the +West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it. + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it? + +_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly +do it _now_--but I know how it's done. + +[_He explains elaborately how it is done_. + +_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may +leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze +inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be +moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for +ze burpose of my exberiment. + +_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his +companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as +before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it! + +_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf +nossing insoide of your 'at? + +_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary, +there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll +thank you to give me back by-and-by. + +_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of +flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do +you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare? + +_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over, +please; I want them. + +[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_ + +_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels +loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, +Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at! + +_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there +were. + +_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a +leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, +dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, +Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze +vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _] +Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large +feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is +vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, +he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, +so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im. + +[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers +amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly +in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._ + +_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded +impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to +play the fool with it like this! + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming? + +_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently. + +[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a +blunderbuss into a crystal casket_. + +_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to +let that thing off! + +_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't +help it. + +_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves +won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only +_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure. + +_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_. + +_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his +shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I +_know_ I shall! + +_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get +to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming +sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ +scream, after all! + +_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for +me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late! + +[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._ + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't +_imagine_ how it was done! + +_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still +rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child +could do it! + +_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they +were all corded up, and sealed! + +_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_? +Why, it was another rabbit, of course! + +_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the +borrowed watch round its neck. + +_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes +have false bottoms. + +_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine. + +_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes. + +_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was +holding it all the time in a paper bag? + +_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too +long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you +_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer! + +_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties +and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like +myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly +abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will +distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the +Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions +too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' +dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as +been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his +hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches +have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very +hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between +like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" +from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a +crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the +performance_. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and +open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing +correspondent." + +"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and +able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's +case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me +a drink." + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES. + +They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty +in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with +a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun +to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it +woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin +for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too +Gentelmanly Managers let me go. + +The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers, +was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all +to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased +when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers" +as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have +not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all +pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they +found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted +Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only +arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, +a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party, +declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was +shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a +warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not +no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't +stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and +a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one +glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which +I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the +cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture +to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was +too. + +We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the +Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or +other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno, +we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted +to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the +werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff +drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally +the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's +a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the +souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to +alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it +I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found +ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches. + +In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the +himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a +little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called +Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome +of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real +Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the +great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, +that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to +make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the +Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we +can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the +rite way to git it! + +I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil +reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether +Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like +true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next +April, by which time they woud be able to decide. + +On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church, +where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most +lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard +of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the +bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that, +if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its +sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was +a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with +plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me +to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody +when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to +make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as +such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth, +if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant +and the Heddicated. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>NOVEMBER 15, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" + id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VI.—THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.</h3> + + <p class="bracket">(<i>By</i> J. MUIR KIRRIE, <i>Author of "A + Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees + Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">[With this story came a glossary of Scotch + expressions. We have referred to it as we went along, and + found everything quite intelligible. As, however, we have + no room to publish the glossary, we can only appeal to the + indulgence of our readers. The story itself was written in + a very clear, legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper + labelled, "Arcadia Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. + Sold in Six-shilling cases. Special terms for Southrons. + Liberal allowance for returned empties."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>CHAPTER I.</h3> + + <p>We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A + pig-sty is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there + were special reasons, of which you shall hear something later, + for sitting on this particular pig-sty.</p> + + <p>The old sow was within, extended at full length. + Occasionally she grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond + that, she seemed to show but a faint interest in the + proceedings. She had been a witness of similar gatherings for + some years, and, to tell the truth, they had begun to bore her, + but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that her + appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. + Ah, that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat + in the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree + I-dree I droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know + what I mean? Life is like that. When we are children the bread + is thick, and the butter is thin; as we grow to be lads and + lassies, the bread dwindles, and the butter increases; but the + old men and women who totter about the commonty, how shall they + munch when their teeth are gone? That's the question. I'm a + Dominie. What!—no answer? Go to the bottom of the class, + all of you.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/229.png" + alt="Sitting on the pig-sty" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>CHAPTER II.</h3> + + <p>As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the + <i>habitués</i> I scarcely need to speak to you, since + you must know their names, even if you fail to pronounce them. + But there was a stranger amongst us, a stranger who, it was + said, had come from London. Yesterday when I went ben the house + I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was sitting with + us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that he + wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his + pillows with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at + what he called "such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't + believe a single word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our + humorist. It was not without difficulty that TAMMAS had + attained to this position, and he was resolved to keep it. + Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival humorist whom he + would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was not marked + with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch + weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, + as we watched the preparations for the impending conflict.</p> + + <h3>CHAPTER III.</h3> + + <p>After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the + old sow with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed + HENDRY MCQUMPHA.</p> + + <p>"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"</p> + + <p>HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he + answered.</p> + + <p>"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a + humorist. I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other + humorists in the world, am thinkin."</p> + + <p>This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was + usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward + silence which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor + Dominie, but some of my happiest hours had been passed on the + pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end? PETE took + up the talking.</p> + + <p>"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of + TAMMAS'S snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a + thing 'at spouts out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae + spouter in Thrums 'at can match wi' TAMMAS."</p> + + <p>He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching + for coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD + said nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the + stranger spoke.</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to + some experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and + generally manage to do a large business."</p> + + <p>He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of + his keen glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to + clear the course for a sarcasm.</p> + + <p>"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's + meanin' to be a humorist."</p> + + <p>This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed + our eyes on the stranger.</p> + + <p>"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I + trust I make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at + catch-weights. Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. + This story about a house-boat, for instance, has been much + appreciated. It's almost in the style of Mr. JEROME'S + masterpiece; or this screamer about my wife's tobacco-pipe and + the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, holding the sample + near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. Puff, puff! + Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes happen + to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he + produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we + have a packet of sarcasm—equal to dynamite. I left it on + the steps of the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then + here are some particularly neat things in cheques. I use them + myself to paper my bedroom. It's simpler and easier than + cashing them, and besides," adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, + and laughing, "it's quite killing when you come to think of it + in that way. Lastly, there's this banking-account sample, + thoroughly suitable for journalists and children. You see how + it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you don't want a + drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it never + varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to + set against that, my friend?"</p> + + <p>We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, + and he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had + returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would + be crushed. Then TAMMAS began—</p> + + <p>"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' + there's mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're + no Thrums fowk, and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist + settle this matter. When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' + humour, we're a' dependent on other fowk to tak' note o' the + humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's lauched at anything you've + telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo then," he roared out, "'A + pie sat on a pear-tree.'"</p> + + <p>We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went + up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into + the sty a senseless mass.</p> + + <p>"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what + a crittur ye are! What pit that in your heed?"</p> + + <p>"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving + a muscle; "it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. + That's where the humour o' it comes in."</p> + + <p>"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale + humour." On the whole, I agree with him.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTIVE.—<i>My Musical Experiences</i>, by BETTINA + WALKER, will probably be followed by <i>My Eye</i>, by BETTINA + MARTIN.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" + id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD + FLAME.</h3><a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/230.png" + alt="THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME." /></a> + + <p><i>Young Spark</i>. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY + OLD FOGEY LONG ENOUGH!"</p> + + <p><i>Old Flame (aside)</i>. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["It is obvious that small tunnels for + single lines, of the usual standard gauge, may be + constructed some distance below the ground, and yet the + atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure as upon a railway on + the surface."—<i>Illustrated London News, on the City + & South London Electric Company</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center">"<i>Young Spark</i>" + <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your arm, my dear Madam! <i>This</i> way, down the + lift, Ma'am!</p> + + <p class="i2">No danger at all, no discomfort, no + dirt!</p> + + <p>You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my + gift, Ma'am;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll prove like a shot what I boldly + assert.</p> + + <p>Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly + jealous,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of + joint;</p> + + <p>You just let him bluster and blow like old + bellows,</p> + + <p class="i2">And try <i>me</i> instead—<i>I</i> + will not disappoint!</p> + + <p>Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," + Ma'am;</p> + + <p class="i2">I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him + so long;</p> + + <p>He has choked you for years—'tis a thundering + shame, Ma'am!</p> + + <p class="i2">High time the Young Spark put a term to + his wrong.</p> + + <p>Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and + sparkling,</p> + + <p class="i2">As clean as a pin, and as bright as a + star?</p> + + <p>Compare me with him, who stands scowling and + darkling!</p> + + <p class="i2">So gazed the old gallant on Young + LOCHINVAR.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And pokey, and chokey, and black as my + hat.</p> + + <p>As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of + sulphur;</p> + + <p class="i2">Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at + that!</p> + + <p>You <i>cannot</i> see beauty in one who's so + sooty,</p> + + <p class="i2">So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and + dark.</p> + + <p>He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty</p> + + <p class="i2">To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the + Young Spark.</p> + + <p>A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,</p> + + <p class="i2">My dear Lady LONDON, is not <i>comme il + faut</i>;</p> + + <p>If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.</p> + + <p class="i2">At least I lend light to love-making + below.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" + id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i>'ll follow Apollo the + Younger—that's me!</p> + + <p>He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>His</i> lady-love, LONDON! Bah! + Fiddle-de-dee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.</p> + + <p class="i2">Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene + hall!</p> + + <p>I think you'll admit it is sparkling and + splendid,</p> + + <p class="i2">As clean as a palace, not black as a + pall.</p> + + <p>Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction</p> + + <p class="i2">Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils + his small game.</p> + + <p>You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold + Love,</p> + + <p class="i2">And let the Young Spark supersede the Old + Flame.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">[<i>Carries her off in triumph.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h3> + + <p>Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was + King, MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various + studies in Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has + a gallery in King Street, which is devoted to studies in Black + and White. You may say, history repeats itself. Nothing of the + kind. The gentleman of GEORGE THE THIRD'S time devoted himself + to the pugilistic art; the gentleman of the time of VICTORIA + gives his attention to graphic art. The one was the patron of + fists, the other of fingers—that makes all the + difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes—MENDOZA the + Present opens them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, + you will find a pleasant collection of Eye Art—open to + all peepers. It is true it may not be High Art, but you will + find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful and comforting."</p> + + <p>Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since + the days of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is + "quite up to time, and smiling," with his present collection + (your Old PAR can't help using the argot of the P.R., and + brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to the Haymarket, in "<i>A + Bend in the River, near Maple Durham</i>." He shows us the + views of BURTON BARBER on "<i>Compulsory Education</i>," also a + wondrous picture of the "<i>Gate of the Great Mosque of + Damascus</i>," by BAUERNFEIND, "<i>A Venetian Brunette</i>," by + FILDES, and many other works that will well repay inspection, + but of which there is no space for anything more to be said by + yours par-enthetically,</p> + + <p class="author">OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Whoever walks beside the river (the + Ettrick), will observe five or six or more men and boys, + equipped with gigantic wading-breeches, busy in each pool. + They are only armed with rods and flies, and thus have a + false appearance of being fair fishers.... The truth is + that the apparent sportsmen are snigglers, not anglers. + They drive the top part of their rods deep into the water, + so as to rake the bottom, and then bring the hook out with + a jerk. Every now and then ... one of the persecuted fishes + ... is hauled out with short shrift."—<i>Daily + News.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are + sore</p> + + <p class="i2">As we think of the errors and wrongs we + have got to</p> + + <p>Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore</p> + + <p class="i2">The things people do, that they really + ought not to!</p> + + <p>With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"</p> + + <p class="i2">When the mention of Love only causes a + giggle,—</p> + + <p>But we'd manage to live and still hold up our + head,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were it not for the villain who ventures + to sniggle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake</p> + + <p class="i2">The bed of the river, and gallantly + wading,</p> + + <p>Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make</p> + + <p class="i2">Of genuine sport but a mere + masquerading.</p> + + <p>You might think him a fool for his trouble—but + look!</p> + + <p class="i2">(And it's true, though at first it + appears to be gammon)</p> + + <p>With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a + salmon!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire</p> + + <p class="i2">To hear of sport ruined by such a + proceeding;</p> + + <p>And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire</p> + + <p class="i2">To give the advice they so sadly seem + needing.</p> + + <p>Let them think, as they work their inglorious + plan,</p> + + <p class="i2">How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and + must wriggle;</p> + + <p>And may they in future all see if they can,</p> + + <p class="i2">By learning to angle, forget how to + sniggle!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231.png" + alt="IN OUR GARDEN" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had + not at all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our + onion-bed. This portion of the garden had been disappointing + from the first. Early in the Spring, when hope beat high, and + the young gardener's fancy lightly turned to thoughts of large + crops, SARK and I were resting after a frugal luncheon, when + ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open window. I knew from + his beaming face that something was wrong.</p> + + <p>Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head + gardener. We have no other, therefore he is the head. Out of + the garden he is known as PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who + insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. SARK had noticed that + about the time of the Flood there was singular deliberation in + entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not seem to be + thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. SHEM, + himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third son, + ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and + a father at thirty-five.</p> + + <p>"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has + escaped the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual + forwardness of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear + nothing more of ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things + move. Now what we want in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow + always up to date, if not ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS + by calling him ARPACHSHAD."</p> + + <p>WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a + matter of another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I + demurred, and it was finally compromised on the basis of a rise + of a shilling a-week. As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, + like many others he has put forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS + couldn't be slower in going round than is ARPACHSHAD. The only + time he ever displays any animation is when he discovers some + fresh disaster. When things are going well (which isn't often) + he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change for the worse. + When the worst comes he positively beams over it. Difficult to + say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, or in + one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the + discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is + always on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the + Frit-fly, or the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or + the Mustard Beetle,—"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls + him. To see, as is not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, + cherry-tree, or damson-tree, fading under the attack of the + caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes ARPACHSHAD a new man. + His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the gleam of faded + youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in softer + glance.</p> + + <p>"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring + afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done + for. Ever seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking + thing; pretty reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale + grey wings. About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the + sheath of the onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the + larvey burrowing down into the bulb; after which, there's + hardly any hope for your honion."</p> + + <p>"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I + was too down-hearted to speak.</p> + + <p>"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect + of interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag + of soot, wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully + sprinkle the plant, and let the soot wash in, <i>that</i> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" + id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> might save a few here and + there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe + them, it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how + it's worth the trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the + fly wants the honion, who are we that we should say it nay? + I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was you, I'd let things take their + swing. It's a terrible thing to go a interfering with + Nater."</p> + + <p>But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken + to run this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so + I got SARK to sweep out the flues of the furnace in the + greenhouse, in the course of which he broke several panes of + glass, not expecting, so he explained, to find the handle of + his brush so near the roof. We half filled a sack with soot, + and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for a wet day, + usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long deferred. + ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that rain + was coming—then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong + onion. "We waited just too long, not starting till the rain + began to fall. Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the + soot under conditions of moisture. But, as SARK said, having + put our hands to the soot-bag, we were not going to turn back. + Nor did we till we had completed the task, ARPACHSHAD looking + on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy rain would wash the + soot off before it could have any effect on the fly. On the + whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either ARPACHSHAD + had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by the + fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed and + blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking + exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in + the last chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the + heels, or rather the wings, of the <i>Anthomyia Ceparum</i>, + fell the <i>Peronospora Schleideniana.</i></p> + + <p>"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his + hands gleefully;—"but, when you get one on the top of + t'other, you don't look for much crop in that particular + year."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <p class="center"><i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i></p> + + <h3>No. V.—MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)</h3> + + <p class="center">SCENE I.—<i>Apartment of innocent but + temporarily impecunious person.</i></p> + + <p class="center">I.P. <i>discovered reading advertisements and + correspondence.</i></p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232.png" + alt="HOW IT'S DONE" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Humph! It <i>sounds</i> all + right. I <i>have</i> heard that these Loan-mongers are + sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But this one is surely + genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of considerate and + sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to one. No + inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has + clients, men of capital, but <i>not</i> speculators, who wish + to invest money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just + so! Note of hand of any respectable person sufficient. + <i>That</i>'s all right. Advance at a few hours' notice. + Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W. + That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would hardly + live <i>there</i>. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment + <i>at his own address</i>, as he suggests.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Does so, hopefully</i>.</p> + + <p class="center">SCENE II.—<i>Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., + at</i> 11 A.M. <i>Enter</i> Impecunious Person, + <i>hurriedly</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but + here's the place sure enough, and that's the number. Fine + house, too. Nothing sharkish about <i>this</i>, anyhow.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. + On door-step encounters another person, also apparently in a + hurry, and also consulting his watch. This person is perhaps a + trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but genially pompous and + semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, but stopping + suddenly, stares at</i> I.P., <i>and addresses + him.</i>—</p> + + <p>Ahem! I—a—beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by + any chance an appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a + Mr. MUGSNAP?</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Why—a—yes, as a matter of fact, I + have.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap</i>. Quite so. And your name is + SOFTSHELL?</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Well—yes, as a matter of fact, it is.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily</i>). Ah! that's all right. Well + met, Mr. SOFTSHELL! (<i>Produces letter</i>.) This is yours, I + fancy. The time was eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes + and a quarter behind. I was just off, for if I gave all my + clients seven minutes and a quarter grace, I should lose about + four hours a day, Sir. (<i>Laughs jovially</i>.) But no matter! + Just step this way. (<i>Produces latch-key</i>.) But no, on + second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step + across to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over + together with a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port + in London, BUMPUS sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate + it.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>They cross to "The Shades," where</i> + Mr. MUGSNAP <i>wins upon his companion by his hearty style, and + all difficulties in the way of "an early advance" are smoothed + away in a highly satisfactory manner. A couple of references, + of course, "just as a matter of form," and a couple of guineas + for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, merely + "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything + is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide + against</i> that, <i>you knew. Within three days at the + outside</i>, Mr. SOFTSHELL <i>is assured, that money will be in + his hands without fail. Meanwhile the "couple o' guineas" leave + his hands, and</i> Mr. MUGSNAP <i>leaves</i> him, <i>hopeful, + and admiring</i>.</p> + + <p><i>I.P. (strolling homeward</i>). Very pleasant person, Mr. + MUGSNAP. Quite a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How + worthy people get misrepresented! By the way, though, there's + one question I forgot to ask him. I'll just step back. Don't + suppose he has gone yet.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. + Knocks, and is answered by smart and austere-looking + Domestic.</i></p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just + <i>one</i> word more with him. Won't detain him a moment.</p> + + <p><i>Austere Domestic</i>. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, + pray? Don't know any sech persing.</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, + only an hour ago. Hasn't he returned?</p> + + <p><i>A.D. (emphatically</i>). I tell you there ain't no Mr. + MUGSNAP lives here at all.</p> + + <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh <i>dear</i>, yes! Stout + gentleman—military appearance—white waistcoat!</p> + + <p><i>A.S. (scornfully</i>). Oh, <i>him</i>! I saw sech a party + 'anging about suspiciously awhile ago, and <i>spoke to the + perliceman about him</i>. But I don't know him, and he don't + live <i>here! [Shuts door sharply</i>.</p> + + <p><i>I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns + upon him!</i> ) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." <i>That's</i> + why he met me on the door-step. Of course he doesn't live here + at all. Gave a respectable address, and <i>watched for me + outside!</i> And the sleek-spoken shark is gone! So are my two + guineas!</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Retires a sadder, and a wiser + man</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MAN OF SCIENCE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing + article in <i>Blackwood,</i> on a new religion, that + science is equal to it.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center">PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM <i>sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place + reliance,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I hurl a stern defiance at what other + people say:</p> + + <p>Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, + HUXLEY, TYNDALL,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all preaching is a swindle, that's + the motto of to-day.</p> + + <p>I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic + attitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">And everything's a platitude that springs + not from my mind:</p> + + <p>I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,</p> + + <p class="i2">And every other 'ology that anyone can + find.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on + the shelf,</p> + + <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and + govern it myself.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had + affection</p> + + <p class="i2">For a curious collection from both + animals and man:</p> + + <p>I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little + cracked, I'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce + on anything I can.</p> + + <p>I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry + organical,</p> + + <p class="i2">I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I + must own:</p> + + <p>They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to + the Bosphorus:</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I + been never known.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on + the shelf;</p> + + <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and + govern it myself.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."—Question by the G.O.M. on + quitting the North,—"Stands Scotland where it did?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" + id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-1.png" + alt="MAN READING" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Read <i>The World and the Will</i>, by JAMES PAYN, says the + Baron. Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the + Colonies generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a + line he quotes, with a slight difference of spelling, in his + present three volumes, which is full of good things; his own + "asides" being, to my thinking, quoth the Baron, by far the + most enjoyable part of his books. Herein he resembles + THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader behind the + scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He comes + in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon + men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a + quirk, or proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, + before he resumes the story, and says, with the older + romancers, "But to our tale." Most companionable writer is + JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN to be seen + through.</p> + + <p>In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW + LANG has hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron + begs sincerely to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold + mine as a book-title series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, + and LANGMAN'S—no, beg pardon—LONGMANS published + <i>The Blue Fairy Book.</i> The <i>Blue Fairy Book</i>, when it + appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year the MERRY + ANDREW issues <i>The Red Fairy Book</i>, which, of course, will + be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it + stop? Why should it stop? Next year there'll be <i>The Green + Fairy Book</i>; in '92 the <i>Yellow Fairy Book</i> (commencing + with new version of <i>Yellow Dwarf</i>), then the White, then + the Black, then the Ver-millionth edition, and so on and so on, + <i>ad infinitum</i>, through all the possible stages of the + combination and permutation of colour.</p> + + <p><i>The Magazine of Art for 1890</i>, published by CASSELL + & Co., is one of the best of its kind for pictures and + Art-articles, The Mixture as before.</p> + + <p>"Christmas is coming"—but the Publishers seem to think + that the Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we + know the proverbial history of to-morrow. However, to humour + the up-to-date notion, the Baron recommends to his young + friends who wish to amuse their elders, <i>Dolldom</i>, a + dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN + PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very + funny play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. + WILLIAMS.</p> + + <p>BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their + indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: <i>By Right of Conquest; or, + With Cortez in Mexico</i>. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by + his marvellous adventures, proves <i>his</i> right to be a hero + in the Conquest of Mexico. Of a more modern date is <i>A + Chapter of Accidents</i>, which deals with the Bombardment of + Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through many + chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. <i>A + Rough Shaking</i>, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' + book, while <i>The Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,</i> + by the same author, will please the Baron's old-fashioned + fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.</p> + + <p>Whoever possesses the <i>Henry Irving + Shakspeare</i>,—started originally by my dear old + enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now concluded + by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,—possesses + a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all + valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which + is the highest praise.</p> + + <p>MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an <i>Inconnue</i>. They + were written to his paper, the <i>Tribune</i>, and have + redressed the balance between the Old World and the New by + furnishing New York from week to week with brilliant, incisive, + and faithful pictures of life in London. The initials, + "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar + throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." + in the still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees + everything, knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn + a great deal more of what is going on in London than some of us + who live here. Most public men of the present day, whether in + politics, literature, or art, have, all unconsciously, sat to + "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift of seizing the salient points + of a character, and reproducing them in a few pellucid + sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who will be + delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just + enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not + its topic. <i>Personalities</i> is the alluring title of the + first volume, which contains forty-two studies of character. It + is dangerous kind of work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully + steered his passage. Written for a newspaper, <i>London + Letters</i> (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than journalism. + They will take their place in Literature.</p> + + <p>November Number of the <i>English Illustrated Magazine</i>, + excellent. Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and + Lord SELBORNE'S introduction. The COOKE who presides in this + particular kitchen serves up a capital dish every + month—and "quite English, you know."</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume + called <i>The Decline and Fall of the British Empire</i>, + written by "Anonymous," and published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. + The tome deals with Australia, rather than England, and is + dated a thousand years hence; so those who have no immediate + leisure will have plenty of time to read it before the events + therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.</p> + + <p>I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled + <i>The Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West + Africa</i>. These Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. + Black-sheepish lot apparently, as being in West Africa. Major + ELLIS is the author also of <i>The Tshi-speaking People</i>. + These last must be either timidly bashful, or else a very T-shi + lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>An Intercepted Letter</i>.)</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-2.png" + alt="LUCRETIA WITH OPERA-GLASSES" /></a> + </div> + + <p>DEAREST BECKY,—I have had <i>such</i> luck! Oh, + <i>so</i> fortunate! Fancy, we <i>did</i> get in, after all! + You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, has a friend a + barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the door of + the Court at eleven, he <i>thought</i> he could slip us in. And + he did, my dear—he did! We got <i>capital</i> places, and + as we had brought with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a + real good time of it," as your brother calls it! We had our + work, too, and so were <i>quite</i> comfortable. The + night-charges were <i>such</i> fun! A lot of men and women were + brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" + (that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the + women was very old—such a silly frump!—she was + still dreadfully intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, <i>of + course</i>, but we couldn't help laughing! She was <i>such</i> + a figure before they got rid of her! But this was only the + overture to the drama. After the night-charges were over, the + Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. + WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the + Press! He said that MARY contributed to the <i>Blood and + Thunder News</i>, and I to the <i>Murder Gazette</i>! I am sure + it must have been in <i>fun</i>, for we have never <i>seen</i> + the papers. When lunch was over, in came the Magistrate with + <i>a number</i> of the "<i>smartest</i>" people! Really, I was + <i>quite delighted</i> to be in such <i>good</i> company. All + sorts of <i>nice</i> people. And then—oh—it was + <i>lovely</i>! We saw <i>her quite</i> close, and could watch + the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather pretty! She + was wearing her <i>ordinary</i> clothes; not the workhouse, nor + the ones <i>with the blood on them</i>, but some that had been + sent in to her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. + They are <i>simply capital</i>, darling! We were much amused + with <i>his</i> evidence; and it was really <i>excellent</i> + fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! But I am not + sure <i>he</i> cared for them! We got away in <i>excellent</i> + time, and I hope to go again. I am trying <i>very hard</i> + (should it come to anything) to be present at the <i>last scene + of all!</i> Wouldn't that be <i>lovely</i>? I should have to be + at the place, though, at <i>ten minutes to eight o'clock!</i> I + don't think I should go to bed that night <i>at all!</i> If I + did, I am <i>sure</i> I should not sleep! It would be so very, + <i>very</i> interesting! And now, my <i>dearest</i>, + good-bye.</p> + + <p class="center">Your ever <i>most</i> affectionate friend,</p> + + <p class="author">LUCRETIA.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."—In its most useful and + instructive theatrical column last Sunday's <i>Observer</i> + (the only Observer of a Sunday in London!) inserted this + notice:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' + Club, Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR + JONES read his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very + hard on poor HENRY DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a + few minutes of peace (not "piece," <i>bien entendu</i>) to + himself. Leave him alone to take his ease at his Club.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.—At a recent + meeting of Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but + MOST escaped.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" + id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/234.png" + alt="A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH" /></a> + + <h3>A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.</h3> + + <p>"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"</p> + + <p>"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS—AND TWA OF THEM + SNAPPIT UP BY THE SAWBATH!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;</h2> + + <p class="center"><i>Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little + Master County Council</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till + it was too large for its habitation.... It became the + terror of the country, and, among other enormities, levied + a daily contribution ... in default of which it would + devour both man and beast.... Young LAMBTON was extremely + shocked at witnessing the effects of his youthful + imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."—<i>Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as + related by Surtees.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old stories tell how Hercules</p> + + <p class="i2">At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"</p> + + <p>And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)</p> + + <p class="i2">The Durham men still brag on.</p> + + <p>How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm</p> + + <p>Old legends tell (they <i>can't</i> lie!);</p> + + <p>And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at + all,"</p> + + <p class="i2">He slew the Dragon of Wantley.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Dragon here is a bigger beast</p> + + <p class="i2">Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;</p> + + <p>On poor men's bodies he doth feast,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ill-got gold long hoarded.</p> + + <p>He hath iron claws, and from his jaws</p> + + <p class="i2">Foul fumings are emitted.</p> + + <p>The folks, his prey, who cross his way,</p> + + <p class="i2">Are sorely to be pitied.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Have you not heard how the Trojan horse</p> + + <p class="i2">Held seventy men inside him?</p> + + <p><i>This</i> Dragon's bigger, and of such force</p> + + <p class="i2">That none may rein or ride him.</p> + + <p>Men hour by hour he doth devour,</p> + + <p class="i2">And would they with him grapple,</p> + + <p>At one big sup he'll gobble them up,</p> + + <p class="i2">As schoolboys munch an apple.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;</p> + + <p class="i2">But his favourite food's poor people,</p> + + <p>But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,</p> + + <p class="i2">From cottage to church steeple.</p> + + <p>Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hath grown, and grown, and grown, + Sir,</p> + + <p>And many a lair of dim despair</p> + + <p class="i2">The Worm hath made its own, Sir.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm</p> + + <p class="i2">Hath made a loathly den,</p> + + <p>And there hath fed for a weary term</p> + + <p class="i2">On the bodies and souls of men.</p> + + <p>There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst in its coils close prest</p> + + <p>Are the things it thrives on—"Landlord + Power,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And "Vested Interest."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?</p> + + <p class="i2">Lo! a champion appears.</p> + + <p>He seems but small, and he looks not old—</p> + + <p class="i2">A youth of scarce three years.</p> + + <p>But "he hath put on his coat of mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thick set with razors all,"</p> + + <p>And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,</p> + + <p class="i2">On that Dragon's crest to fall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,</p> + + <p class="i2">He to the fight advances.</p> + + <p>Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,</p> + + <p class="i2">With caution in his glances.</p> + + <p>If he make shift that sword to lift,</p> + + <p class="i2">And smite that Dragon dead,</p> + + <p>No hero young song yet hath sung</p> + + <p class="i2">A fouler pest hath sped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!</p> + + <p class="i2">That two-edged blade is big, Sir!</p> + + <p>That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be</p> + + <p class="i2">"Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,</p> + + <p>(As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,</p> + + <p class="i2">In his quaint and curious story.)</p> + + <p>If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's + praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">And legendary glory.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When London's streets are haunts of health</p> + + <p class="i2">(Ah! happy if distant, when)</p> + + <p>And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth</p> + + <p class="i2">Feeds not on the filthy den;</p> + + <p>The men to this champion's memory</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall lift the brimming flagon,</p> + + <p>And drink with glee to young County C,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.—Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now + wishes he had gone on his exploration journey quite alone, + without any travelling TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth + mentioning here, that, up to now, the only mention of + difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is to be found in a + little shilling book recently published by Messrs. TRISCHLER + & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, + entitled, <i>A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa</i>. + Whether H.M. STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to + be seen. We must have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear + Column before we rear a column to STANLEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the <i>Standard</i>, are + in future to be the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not + beer, but fish. There are to be "no takers" at present, so the + cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" + id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/235.png" + alt='THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON—AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL' /> + </a> + + <h3>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON—AND YOUNG COUNTY + COUNCIL.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <!-- blank page 236--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" + id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237.png" + alt="HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1" /></a> + + <h3>HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best + thing of the Season</i>). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING + BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT THE LAST FENCE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OPERATIC NOTES.</h3> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Welcome once more to our old friend, + <i>Norma, the Deceived Druidess</i>, who was called + <i>Norma</i> for short, she being an orphan, and having "nor + par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, with Arch-Druid + <i>Oroveso</i> in the chair, might have had a better brass + band. <i>Norma</i> nowadays is not particularly attractive, and + the house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than + normal or ordinary.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.—Orféo.</i> First appearance of + Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA RAVOGLI in GLÜCK'S beautiful + Opera, which has not been seen here for many years, + but—judging from its reception by a full and delighted + house—will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season + comes to an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as + <i>Orpheus</i>; double recall after three of the four Acts; + house insisting on having "<i>Che farò</i>" all over + again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. + Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of + Erebus for a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. + Demons lie on rocks, with silver serpents round their necks as + comforters, claw the air, and trot round in circles, after + which they exhibit Dutch-metalled walking-sticks to one another + with sombre pride. Furies trip measures and strike attitudes in + pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues, when not + engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental + dances by two <i>premières danseuses.</i> Hades + evidently less dull than generally supposed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTION.—Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap + proprietor has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his + invention as "<i>Tabula Rasa."</i> This is worth thousands, and + takes the cake—of soap.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUIS NOMINABIT?</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a + "British Academy of Letters</i>.")</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p> + + <p>I have been reading with some morbid interest a series + of contributions to the pages of a contemporary from + several more or less distinguished literary men who have + apparently been invited to express their opinions, + favourable or the reverse, on the recently launched + proposition to establish in our midst, after the French + model, a "British Academy of Letters." Some ask, "What's + the use?" Others want to know who is to elect the elected, + and seem much exercised in their minds as to the status and + qualifications of those who ought to be chosen for the + purpose of discharging this all-important function. As to + what would be the use of an institution of the kind, the + answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to reply to + it. But if it comes to naming a representative body capable + of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants who have + already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has + been entrusted the duty of weighing their respective + merits—well then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may + confidently say that "I am all there!"</p> + + <p>Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, + say, twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the + Prince of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some + generally widely-known personage, who has the literary + confidence of the public, and in this connection, I have no + hesitation in supplying it by that of the Compiler of + <i>Bradshaw's Railway Guide</i>. Several now should follow, + of varied and even conflicting interests, so as to satisfy + any over-captious criticism inclined to question the + thoroughly cosmopolitan character of the elective body. And + so I next add, Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke + of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle + of the Burlington Arcade.</p> + + <p>It might now be well to give a distinctively literary + flavour to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my + list with the names of the Poet Laureate and the City + Editor of <i>Tit Bits</i>, following them up with the + representatives of commercial enterprise, speculative art, + and sportive leisure, guaranteed respectively by the names + of the Chairman of the Chelsea Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. + D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY OP BATTENBERG. For the + twelfth, and remaining name, I would suggest that of Mr. + HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the Manager of + Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir WILFRID LAWSON, General + BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or any other striking or + notable one that arrests the eye with the familiarity of + long acquaintance. With the existing deplorable position of + the Pantomime literature of the country, there can be + little need to question further the necessity of a British + Academy of Letters. The naming of those who are to + constitute that institution is another thing; but if an + authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this inevitable + function, is sought, and the public puts the question, + "<i>Quis Nominabit</i>?" I think, Sir, you will admit that + I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting to + your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication,</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em">I am, Sir, your obedient + servant,</p> + + <p class="author">A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>BEFORE AND BEHIND.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>From a Thoughtful Grammarian</i>.)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR,—In the <i>Times</i>' Court Circular, on + Friday last, I read that—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of + singing before Her MAJESTY and the Royal Family."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before + the QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and + Royal Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But + suppose "before" does not here relate to time, but to + position. It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well + worth recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of + sinking <i>behind</i> the Royal Family. And then, what a + compliment if Her Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had + all turned round to listen to him! If I am wrong in my + interpretation of the Court Circular's Circular Note, + wouldn't it have prevented any possible error to have said, + "In the presence of"? I only ask for information, and + am</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-2em">Yours,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-2em">FIDELITER.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.—The "General," who + is the biggest BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he + had been offered a big tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? + "Anywhere, anywhere out of the world "—at least, out of + our little world of Great Britain & Co. Let not "the + General" be too particular, but accept the tract,—though + he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting + them,—and let him and his army, his lads and lasses, go + away and leave us to enjoy our Sundays in peace and quiet.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW CITY FIRM (<i>adapted from West End by Our Own + Scotchman</i>).—"SAVORY AND MAYOR."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" + id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238.png" + alt="SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY" /></a> + + <h3>SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN + SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" + id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239.png" + alt="NOSTALGIA" /></a> + + <h3>NOSTALGIA.</h3> + + <p>"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME + NORTH. IT'S THE CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I + S'POSE!"</p> + + <p>"IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. IT'S THE CHANGE OF + BEER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.</h3> + + <p class="bracket">SCENE—<i>A Suburban Hall. The + Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited, and + low-spirited, and may perhaps number—including the + Attendants—eighteen. The only people in the front seats + are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal + under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog + is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a + melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. + Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the + middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he + suddenly thinks better—or worse—of it, puts them on + again, and vanishes hurriedly.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway</i>). Reg'lar + turnin' em away to-night, <i>we</i> are!</p> + + <p><i>Second Sardonic Attendant</i>. He come up to me afore he + goes to the pay-box, and sez he—"Is there a seat left?" + he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I <i>think</i> we can manage + to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The Orchestra, consisting of two + thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a + stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano</i>. Herr Von + KAMBERWOHL, <i>the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud + clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.</i></p> + + <p><i>Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent).</i> Lyties and + Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', + I 'ave, most hemphadically to repoodiate hall hassistance from + hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall + 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight + of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (<i>He invites any member of the + Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain + coy.</i>) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to + select from as usual, still I 'ope——(<i>Here one of + the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the + platform.</i> ) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair moch oblige to you, + Sare. (<i>The Confederate grins sheepishly.</i>) Led me + see—I seem to remember your face some'ow. (<i>Broader + grin from Confederate.</i>) Hah, you vos 'ere last + night?—zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me + befoor, eh? (<i>Reckless shake of the head from + Confederate.</i>) I thought nod. <i>Vair</i> veil. You 'ave + nevaire done any dricks mit carts—no? Bot you vill dry? + You nevaire dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow + said ven she learn ze halphabet. (<i>He pauses for a + laugh—which doesn't come.</i>) Now, Sare, you know a cart + ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask + you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (<i>The + Confederate fumbles.</i>) I don't vish to 'urry you—but I + vant you to mike 'aste—&c, &c.</p> + + <p><i>The Man in Evening Dress</i>. I remember giving BIMBO, + the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that + trick—there was nothing in it.</p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. And can you <i>do</i> + it?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (guardedly</i>). Well, I don't know that I + could exactly do it <i>now</i>—but I know how it's + done.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>He explains elaborately how it is + done</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may + leave off).</i> Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion + of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And + I shall be moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me + viz 'is 'at for ze burpose of my exberiment.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Here's mine—it's quite at your + service. [<i>To his companions.</i> ] This is a stale old + trick, he merely—(<i>explains as before.</i> ) But you + wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K. (to the</i> M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, + Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours</i>). On + the contrary, there are several little things there belonging + to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K. (diving into the hat</i>). So? Vat 'ave we + 'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? + Anozzer—<i>and</i> anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry + flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Invariably—to keep my head cool; + so hand them over, please; I want them.</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>His Companions titter, and declare "it + really is</i> too <i>bad of him!"</i></p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K.</i>. Bresently, Sare,—zere is somtings + ailse, it feels loike—yes, it ees—a mahouse-drap. + Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none + 'ere in ze 'at!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation</i>.) I + never said there were.</p> + + <p><i>Herr V.K</i>. No, zere is no + mahouse—bot—[<i>diving again</i>]—ha! a + leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide + rad—and one, two, dree <i>more</i> vide rads! You vind + zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to + com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze vide rads myself, it is + madder of daste. [<i>The Audience snigger.</i> ] Oh, but + vait—zis is a <i>most</i> gonvenient + 'at—[<i>extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete + set of baby-linen</i>]—ze shentelman is vairy domestic, I + see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, he knows how + von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I + vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for + 'im.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>He showers cards, commending somebody's + self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person + receiving about two dozen—chiefly in the eye—until + the air is dark, and the floor thick with them.</i></p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (much annoyed</i>). Infernal liberty! + Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had <i>my</i> hat if I 'd + known he was going to play the fool with it like this!</p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. But I thought you knew + what was coming?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. So I did—but this fellow does it + differently.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[Herr VON K. <i>is preparing to fire a + marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal + casket</i>.</p> + + <p><i>A Lady with Nerves (to her husband</i>). JOHN, I'm + <i>sure</i> he's going to let that thing off!</p> + + <p><i>John (a Brute</i>). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he + is. <i>I</i> can't help it.</p> + + <p><i>The L. with N</i>. You could if you liked—you could + tell him my nerves won't stand it—the trick will be every + <i>bit</i> as good if he only <i>pretends</i> to fire, I'm + sure.</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. Oh, nonsense!—you can stand it very well + if you <i>like</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I <i>can't</i>, John.... There, he's + raising it to his shoulder. JOHN, I <i>must</i> go out. I shall + scream if I sit here, I <i>know</i> I shall!</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. No, no—what's the use? He'll have fired + long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you + are, and do your screaming sitting down. (<i>The Conjuror + fires.</i>) There, you see, you <i>didn't</i> scream, after + all!</p> + + <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I screamed to <i>myself</i>—which + is ever so much worse for me; but you never <i>will</i> + understand me till it's too late!</p> + + <p class="author">[Herr VON K. <i>performs another + trick.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. That was very clever, + wasn't it? I can't <i>imagine</i> how it was done!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat + is still rankling</i>). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the + world—any child could do it!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. What, find the rabbit inside those + boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. You don't mean to say you were taken + in by <i>that</i>? Why, it was another rabbit, of + course!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" + id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. But even if it <i>was</i> another rabbit, + it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if + all the boxes have false bottoms.</p> + + <p><i>Second L</i>. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us + to examine.</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Boxes—but not <i>those</i> + boxes.</p> + + <p><i>First L</i>. But how could he slip the watch in when + somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?</p> + + <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Ah, <i>I</i> saw how it was + done—but it would take too long to explain it now. I + <i>have</i> seen it so well performed that you <i>couldn't</i> + spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!</p> + + <p><i>Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather + disturbing</i>). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von + among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all + my leedle dricks is done. Now—<i>suddenly abandoning his + accent</i>—I am always griteful for hanythink that will + distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on + upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from + follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this + gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little + louder than what he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled + to 'ear hevery word of his hexplanation more puffickly than + what some of you in the back benches have done 'itherto. Now, + Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinterestin' remarks in + a more haudible tone, I can go on between like.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We + don't want to hear him!" from various places</i>; The Man in + Evening Dress <i>subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which + continues during the remainder of the performance</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240.png" + alt='"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"' /></a> + + <h3>"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"</h3> + + <p>"OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON! I DID HOT SEE YOU SIR!"</p> + + <p>"SEE ME! CONFOUND IT, SIR, YOU CAN SEE <i>THROUGH</i> ME + NOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases.</h3> + + <p class="center">JOURNALISTIC.</p> + + <p>"<i>Inspector —— gives you the impression of a + particularly able and open-minded Police-officer;" i.e.</i>, + "An easy prey to the interviewing correspondent."</p> + + <p>"<i>It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly + shrewd and able young Solicitor would be</i> very + <i>communicative about his client's case;" i.e.</i>, "Knew + precious little himself, and didn't even offer me a drink."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.—The great Berlin + Bacteriologist.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.</h3> + + <p>They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum + differculty in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst + week, for to go with a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most + himportent hexcurshun to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the + trees down, so that then it woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not + no longer! Howewer, by promisin for to stick to the "Grand" all + thro' the cumming Winter, the too Gentelmanly Managers let me + go.</p> + + <p>The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of + staggerers, was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand + Royal Saloon all to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but + my estonishment ceased when I saw that they was Chairmaned by + the same "King of good fellers" as took 'em all to Ship Lake on + a prewious ocasion. They didn't have not no refreshments all + the way to Slough, so they was naterally all pretty well harf + starved by the time they got there, but there they found a + lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted Natur, + and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only arf + parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, a + rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the + Party, declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the + Sunshine which was shining most brillient outside the room, and + acordingly off he set a warking up and down in it for three + quorters of a hour, without not no wittels nor no drink! till + "the King of all good fellers" coodn't stand it not no longer, + and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and a bottel of + Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one + glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, + which I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it + arterwards, the cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but + I thinks I can wenture to say as that not one drop of it was + wasted, and werry good it was too.</p> + + <p>We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of + one of the Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up + hinside. Sumhows or other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel + Lunch or not, I don't kno, we lost our way, and found ourselves + at larst, not where we all wanted to be, but at a most + bewtifool House of call, where they has the werry sensebel + custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff drink, + they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally + the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether + it's a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. + FOURBES, the souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink + woodn't injuice 'em to alter the name. Whether that singler + custom had anythink to do with it I don't kno, but our party + didn't stay there long, and we soon found ourselves at + bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.</p> + + <p>In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling + of the himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I + strolled off to a little willage as I seed in the distance, and + which is acshally called Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than + Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome of my herly birth! From a + rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real Native, I gathered the + himportant fack that the one reason why all the great big Beach + Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, that + OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as + to make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their + Hed to the Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting + hinformashun we can get from the werry humblest of our Feller + Creturs when we goes the rite way to git it!</p> + + <p>I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry + senserbil reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best + munth to see whether Trees was really dead, or was ony + shamming, so they determined, like true patriots as they is, to + adjourn the matter till the 1st of next April, by which time + they woud be able to decide.</p> + + <p>On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke + Pogies Church, where some great Poet was buried long long ago, + who had wrote a most lovely Poem there, all about what could be + seen from the Churchyard of an evening, and one of the party + said, that the sperrit of the bewtifool seen and of the luvly + Poem was so strong upon him, that, if they woud stand round the + Toom, he woud try to recite some of its sweetest lines, and he + did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was a driving back, + that more than one among them had his eyes filled with plessant + tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me to + write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not + anybody when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was + taken for to make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and + share in the rapshur as such poems seems to inspire in our + betters, it might help to smooth, if not to shorten, the long + dreary road as lies between the Hignorant and the + Heddicated.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:10em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, November 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12517-h.htm or 12517-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 99. + + + +NOVEMBER 15, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING. + +(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald +Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._ + + [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We + have referred to it as we went along, and found everything + quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish + the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our + readers. The story itself was written in a very clear, + legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia + Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling + cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for + returned empties."] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty +is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special +reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this +particular pig-sty. + +The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she +grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to +show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness +of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had +begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that +her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah, +that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in +the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I +droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life +is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter +is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and +the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the +commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the +question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the +class, all of you. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER II. + + +As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitues_ I scarcely +need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if +you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a +stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I +went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was +sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that +he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows +with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called +"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single +word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without +difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was +resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival +humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was +not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch +weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we +watched the preparations for the impending conflict. + + +CHAPTER III. + + +After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow +with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA. + +"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?" + +HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered. + +"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist. +I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the +world, am thinkin." + +This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of +his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me +feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest +hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to +come to an end? PETE took up the talking. + +"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S +snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts +out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can +match wi' TAMMAS." + +He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for +coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said +nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger +spoke. + +"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some +experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to +do a large business." + +He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen +glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course +for a sarcasm. + +"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin' +to be a humorist." + +This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes +on the stranger. + +"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I +make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights. +Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a +house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost +in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my +wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, +holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. +Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes +happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he +produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have +a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of +the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some +particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my +bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides," +adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing +when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this +banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and +children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you +don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it +never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to +set against that, my friend?" + +We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and +he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his +ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then +TAMMAS began-- + +"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's +mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk, +and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter. +When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on +other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's +lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo +then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'" + +We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from +the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a +senseless mass. + +"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur +ye are! What pit that in your heed?" + +"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle; +"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the +humour o' it comes in." + +"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the +whole, I agree with him. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will +probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.] + +_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG +ENOUGH!" + +_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"] + + ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the + usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below + the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure + as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News, + on the City & South London Electric Company_.] + +"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:-- + + Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am! + No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt! + You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am; + I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert. + Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous, + 'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint; + You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows, + And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint! + Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am; + I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long; + He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am! + High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong. + Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling, + As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star? + Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling! + So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR. + + He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy, + And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat. + As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur; + Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that! + You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty, + So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark. + He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty + To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark. + A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover, + My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_; + If I do not woo you the sunny earth over. + At least I lend light to love-making below. + + He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger; + _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me! + He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger. + _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee! + + His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended. + Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall! + I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid, + As clean as a palace, not black as a pall. + Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction + Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game. + You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love, + And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame. + + [_Carries her off in triumph._ + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King, +MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in +Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King +Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say, +history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE +THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman +of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one +was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the +difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens +them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a +pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may +not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful +and comforting." + +Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days +of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time, +and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help +using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to +the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows +us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a +wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by +BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works +that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for +anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING). + + ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe + five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic + wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with + rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being + fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are + snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods + deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring + the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of + the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short + shrift."--_Daily News._] + + Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore + As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to + Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore + The things people do, that they really ought not to! + With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed," + When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,-- + But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head, + Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle. + + With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake + The bed of the river, and gallantly wading, + Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make + Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading. + You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look! + (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon) + With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook, + The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon! + + As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire + To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding; + And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire + To give the advice they so sadly seem needing. + Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan, + How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle; + And may they in future all see if they can, + By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle! + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at +all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This +portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early +in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy +lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting +after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open +window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong. + +Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have +no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as +PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. +SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular +deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not +seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. +SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third +son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a +father at thirty-five. + +"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped +the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness +of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of +ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want +in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not +ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD." + +WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of +another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it +was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week. +As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put +forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round +than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is +when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well +(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change +for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it. +Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, +or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the +discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always +on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or +the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard +Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is +not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree, +fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes +ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the +gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in +softer glance. + +"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring +afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever +seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty +reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings. +About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the +onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down +into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion." + +"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too +down-hearted to speak. + +"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of +interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot, +wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the +plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and +there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them, +it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the +trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion, +who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was +you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a +interfering with Nater." + +But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run +this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to +sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of +which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained, +to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a +sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for +a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long +deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that +rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion. +"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall. +Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of +moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag, +we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the +task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy +rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on +the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either +ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by +the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed +and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking +exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last +chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or +rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora +Schleideniana._ + +"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands +gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't +look for much crop in that particular year." + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A Hand-book to Honesty._ + +NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.) + +SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._ + +I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._ + +[Illustration] + +_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard +that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But +this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of +considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to +one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has +clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest +money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand +of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at +a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph +Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would +hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at +his own address_, as he suggests. + +[_Does so, hopefully_. + + +SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious +Person, _hurriedly_. + +_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place +sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish +about _this_, anyhow. + +[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters +another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his +watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but +genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, +but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._-- + +Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an +appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP? + +_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have. + +_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL? + +_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is. + +_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr. +SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was +eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I +was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter +grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.) +But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on +second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across +to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with +a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS +sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it. + +[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his +companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an +early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A +couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a +couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, +merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything +is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_ +that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is +assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the +"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him, +_hopeful, and admiring_. + +_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite +a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get +misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to +ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet. + +[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by +smart and austere-looking Domestic._ + +_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more +with him. Won't detain him a moment. + +_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't +know any sech persing. + +_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour +ago. Hasn't he returned? + +_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives +here at all. + +_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white +waistcoat! + +_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about +suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But +I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_. + +_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him! +_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the +door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable +address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is +gone! So are my two guineas! + +[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN OF SCIENCE. + + [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article + in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to + it.] + +PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:-- + + I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance, + And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say: + Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL, + And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day. + I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude, + And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind: + I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology, + And every other 'ology that anyone can find. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf, + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection + For a curious collection from both animals and man: + I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll + Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can. + I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical, + I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own: + They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus: + Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf; + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + * * * * * + +OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the +North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron. +Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies +generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes, +with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes, +which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking, +quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein +he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader +behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He +comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon +men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or +proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes +the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most +companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN +to be seen through. + +In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has +hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely +to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title +series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg +pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy +Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year +the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will +be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why +should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in +'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow +Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth +edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible +stages of the combination and permutation of colour. + +_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one +of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as +before. + +"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the +Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial +history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the +Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders, +_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN +PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny +play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS. + +BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their +indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With +Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous +adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico. +Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with +the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through +many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough +Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The +Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will +please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time. + +Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally +by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now +concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses +a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all +valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the +highest praise. + +MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to +his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the +Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with +brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The +initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar +throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the +still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything, +knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more +of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most +public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or +art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift +of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in +a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who +will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just +enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its +topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume, +which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of +work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for +a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than +journalism. They will take their place in Literature. + +November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent. +Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S +introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves +up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know." + +My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The +Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and +published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia, +rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who +have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before +the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity. + +I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The +Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These +Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot +apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of +_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful, +or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, +says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY." + +(_An Intercepted Letter_.) + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we +_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, +has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the +door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he +did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought +with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it," +as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_ +comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women +were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" +(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the +women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully +intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help +laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this +was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were +over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. +WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press! +He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I +to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for +we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the +Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was +_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_ +people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close, +and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather +pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor +the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to +her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply +capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was +really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! +But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_ +time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come +to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that +be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes +to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at +all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very, +_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_ +affectionate friend, + +LUCRETIA. + + * * * * * + +"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical +column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in +London!) inserted this notice:-- + + "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club, + Henrietta Street, Tuesday next." + +Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read +his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY +DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not +"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease +at his Club. + + * * * * * + +UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of +Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH. + +"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!" + +"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE +SAWBATH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON; + +_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_. + + ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for + its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and, + among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in + default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young + LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of + his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by + Surtees._] + + Old stories tell how Hercules + At Lerna slew a "Dragon;" + And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES) + The Durham men still brag on. + How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm + Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!); + And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all," + He slew the Dragon of Wantley. + + Our Dragon here is a bigger beast + Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did; + On poor men's bodies he doth feast, + And ill-got gold long hoarded. + He hath iron claws, and from his jaws + Foul fumings are emitted. + The folks, his prey, who cross his way, + Are sorely to be pitied. + + Have you not heard how the Trojan horse + Held seventy men inside him? + _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force + That none may rein or ride him. + Men hour by hour he doth devour, + And would they with him grapple, + At one big sup he'll gobble them up, + As schoolboys munch an apple. + + All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat; + But his favourite food's poor people, + But he 'd swallow a city, street by street, + From cottage to church steeple. + Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear, + Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir, + And many a lair of dim despair + The Worm hath made its own, Sir. + + In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm + Hath made a loathly den, + And there hath fed for a weary term + On the bodies and souls of men. + There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower, + Whilst in its coils close prest + Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power," + And "Vested Interest." + + Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold? + Lo! a champion appears. + He seems but small, and he looks not old-- + A youth of scarce three years. + But "he hath put on his coat of mail, + Thick set with razors all," + And a blade as big as a thresher's nail, + On that Dragon's crest to fall. + + And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE, + He to the fight advances. + Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er, + With caution in his glances. + If he make shift that sword to lift, + And smite that Dragon dead, + No hero young song yet hath sung + A fouler pest hath sped. + + Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.! + That two-edged blade is big, Sir! + That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be + "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir, + (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says, + In his quaint and curious story.) + If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise, + And legendary glory. + + When London's streets are haunts of health + (Ah! happy if distant, when) + And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth + Feeds not on the filthy den; + The men to this champion's memory + Shall lift the brimming flagon, + And drink with glee to young County C, + Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon! + + * * * * * + +A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had +gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling +TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to +now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is +to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs. +TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, +entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M. +STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must +have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a +column to STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be +the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are +to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1. + +_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the +Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT +THE LAST FENCE!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the +Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an +orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, +with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass +band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the +house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or +ordinary. + +_Thursday.--Orfeo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA +RAVOGLI in GLUeCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for +many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted +house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to +an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double +recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che +faro_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. +Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for +a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks, +with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air, +and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled +walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures +and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unaesthetic hues, +when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental +dances by two _premieres danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than +generally supposed. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor +has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula +Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap. + + * * * * * + +QUIS NOMINABIT? + +(_Being a few Remarks a Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.") + + MR. PUNCH, SIR, + + I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of + contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more + or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been + invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse, + on the recently launched proposition to establish in our + midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters." + Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to + elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds + as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to + be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important + function. As to what would be the use of an institution of + the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to + reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body + capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants + who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been + entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well + then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that + "I am all there!" + + Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say, + twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince + of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally + widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of + the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in + supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway + Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even + conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious + criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan + character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor + of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. + + It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour + to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the + names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_, + following them up with the representatives of commercial + enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed + respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea + Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY + OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I + would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of + CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir + WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or + any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with + the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing + deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the + country, there can be little need to question further the + necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those + who are to constitute that institution is another thing; + but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this + inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the + question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit + that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting + to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication, + + I am, Sir, your obedient servant, + + A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN. + + * * * * * + +BEFORE AND BEHIND. + +(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.) + + SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read + that-- + + "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her + MAJESTY and the Royal Family." + + This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the + QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal + Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose + "before" does not here relate to time, but to position. + It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth + recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking + _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her + Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to + listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the + Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any + possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask + for information, and am + + Yours, + + FIDELITER. + + * * * * * + +A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest +BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big +tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of +the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co. +Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though +he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let +him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy +our Sundays in peace and quiet. + + * * * * * + +NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY +AND MAYOR." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN +SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOSTALGIA. + +"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE +CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. +IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR. + + +SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. +The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps +number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the +front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to +conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog +is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy +dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending +Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty +row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or +worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._ + +_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away +to-night, _we_ are! + +_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the +pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to +'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like +that, I sez. + + [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, + with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a + cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on + platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates + in a back row._ + +_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I +co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to +repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins +vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform +by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member +of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain +coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select +from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates +slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am +vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) +Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from +Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you +'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from +Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any +dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan +do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He +pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart +ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to +choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) +I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c. + +_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the +West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it. + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it? + +_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly +do it _now_--but I know how it's done. + +[_He explains elaborately how it is done_. + +_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may +leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze +inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be +moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for +ze burpose of my exberiment. + +_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his +companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as +before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it! + +_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf +nossing insoide of your 'at? + +_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary, +there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll +thank you to give me back by-and-by. + +_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of +flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do +you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare? + +_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over, +please; I want them. + +[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_ + +_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels +loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, +Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at! + +_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there +were. + +_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a +leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, +dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, +Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze +vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _] +Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large +feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is +vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, +he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, +so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im. + +[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers +amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly +in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._ + +_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded +impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to +play the fool with it like this! + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming? + +_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently. + +[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a +blunderbuss into a crystal casket_. + +_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to +let that thing off! + +_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't +help it. + +_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves +won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only +_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure. + +_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_. + +_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his +shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I +_know_ I shall! + +_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get +to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming +sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ +scream, after all! + +_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for +me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late! + +[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._ + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't +_imagine_ how it was done! + +_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still +rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child +could do it! + +_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they +were all corded up, and sealed! + +_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_? +Why, it was another rabbit, of course! + +_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the +borrowed watch round its neck. + +_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes +have false bottoms. + +_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine. + +_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes. + +_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was +holding it all the time in a paper bag? + +_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too +long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you +_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer! + +_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties +and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like +myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly +abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will +distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the +Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions +too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' +dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as +been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his +hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches +have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very +hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between +like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" +from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a +crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the +performance_. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and +open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing +correspondent." + +"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and +able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's +case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me +a drink." + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES. + +They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty +in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with +a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun +to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it +woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin +for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too +Gentelmanly Managers let me go. + +The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers, +was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all +to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased +when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers" +as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have +not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all +pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they +found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted +Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only +arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, +a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party, +declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was +shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a +warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not +no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't +stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and +a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one +glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which +I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the +cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture +to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was +too. + +We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the +Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or +other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno, +we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted +to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the +werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff +drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally +the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's +a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the +souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to +alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it +I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found +ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches. + +In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the +himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a +little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called +Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome +of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real +Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the +great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, +that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to +make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the +Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we +can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the +rite way to git it! + +I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil +reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether +Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like +true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next +April, by which time they woud be able to decide. + +On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church, +where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most +lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard +of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the +bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that, +if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its +sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was +a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with +plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me +to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody +when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to +make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as +such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth, +if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant +and the Heddicated. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, November 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12517.txt or 12517.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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