initial commit of ebook 12517HEADmain

37 files changed, 9290 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/12517-0.txt b/12517-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6526bcf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1351 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+NOVEMBER 15, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.
+
+(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald
+Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._
+
+    [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We
+    have referred to it as we went along, and found everything
+    quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish
+    the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our
+    readers. The story itself was written in a very clear,
+    legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia
+    Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling
+    cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for
+    returned empties."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty
+is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special
+reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this
+particular pig-sty.
+
+The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she
+grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to
+show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness
+of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had
+begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that
+her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah,
+that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in
+the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I
+droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life
+is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter
+is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and
+the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the
+commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the
+question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the
+class, all of you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitués_ I scarcely
+need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if
+you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a
+stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I
+went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was
+sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that
+he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows
+with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called
+"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single
+word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without
+difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was
+resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival
+humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was
+not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch
+weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we
+watched the preparations for the impending conflict.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow
+with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA.
+
+"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"
+
+HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered.
+
+"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist.
+I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the
+world, am thinkin."
+
+This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of
+his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me
+feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest
+hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to
+come to an end? PETE took up the talking.
+
+"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S
+snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts
+out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can
+match wi' TAMMAS."
+
+He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for
+coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said
+nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger
+spoke.
+
+"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some
+experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to
+do a large business."
+
+He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen
+glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course
+for a sarcasm.
+
+"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin'
+to be a humorist."
+
+This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes
+on the stranger.
+
+"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I
+make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights.
+Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a
+house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost
+in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my
+wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on,
+holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent.
+Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes
+happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he
+produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have
+a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of
+the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some
+particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my
+bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides,"
+adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing
+when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this
+banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and
+children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you
+don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it
+never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to
+set against that, my friend?"
+
+We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and
+he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his
+ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then
+TAMMAS began--
+
+"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's
+mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk,
+and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter.
+When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on
+other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's
+lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo
+then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'"
+
+We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from
+the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a
+senseless mass.
+
+"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur
+ye are! What pit that in your heed?"
+
+"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle;
+"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the
+humour o' it comes in."
+
+"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the
+whole, I agree with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will
+probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.]
+
+_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG
+ENOUGH!"
+
+_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"]
+
+    ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the
+    usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below
+    the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure
+    as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News,
+    on the City & South London Electric Company_.]
+
+"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:--
+
+  Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am!
+    No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt!
+  You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am;
+    I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert.
+  Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous,
+    'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint;
+  You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows,
+    And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint!
+  Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am;
+    I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long;
+  He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am!
+    High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong.
+  Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling,
+    As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star?
+  Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling!
+    So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR.
+
+  He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,
+    And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat.
+  As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur;
+    Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that!
+  You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty,
+    So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark.
+  He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty
+    To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark.
+  A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,
+    My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_;
+  If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.
+    At least I lend light to love-making below.
+
+  He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;
+    _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me!
+  He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.
+    _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.
+    Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall!
+  I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid,
+    As clean as a palace, not black as a pall.
+  Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction
+    Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game.
+  You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love,
+    And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame.
+
+  [_Carries her off in triumph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.
+
+Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King,
+MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in
+Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King
+Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say,
+history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE
+THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman
+of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one
+was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the
+difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens
+them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a
+pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may
+not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful
+and comforting."
+
+Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days
+of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time,
+and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help
+using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to
+the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows
+us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a
+wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by
+BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works
+that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for
+anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically,
+
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).
+
+    ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe
+    five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic
+    wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with
+    rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being
+    fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are
+    snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods
+    deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring
+    the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of
+    the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short
+    shrift."--_Daily News._]
+
+  Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore
+    As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to
+  Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore
+    The things people do, that they really ought not to!
+  With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"
+    When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,--
+  But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head,
+    Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle.
+
+  With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake
+    The bed of the river, and gallantly wading,
+  Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make
+    Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading.
+  You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look!
+    (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon)
+  With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,
+    The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon!
+
+  As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire
+    To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding;
+  And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire
+    To give the advice they so sadly seem needing.
+  Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan,
+    How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle;
+  And may they in future all see if they can,
+    By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN OUR GARDEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at
+all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This
+portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early
+in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy
+lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting
+after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open
+window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong.
+
+Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have
+no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as
+PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD.
+SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular
+deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not
+seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century.
+SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third
+son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a
+father at thirty-five.
+
+"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped
+the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness
+of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of
+ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want
+in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not
+ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD."
+
+WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of
+another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it
+was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week.
+As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put
+forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round
+than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is
+when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well
+(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change
+for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it.
+Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season,
+or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the
+discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always
+on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or
+the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard
+Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is
+not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree,
+fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes
+ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the
+gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in
+softer glance.
+
+"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring
+afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever
+seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty
+reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings.
+About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the
+onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down
+into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion."
+
+"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too
+down-hearted to speak.
+
+"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of
+interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot,
+wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the
+plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and
+there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them,
+it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the
+trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion,
+who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was
+you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a
+interfering with Nater."
+
+But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run
+this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to
+sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of
+which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained,
+to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a
+sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for
+a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long
+deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that
+rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion.
+"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall.
+Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of
+moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag,
+we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the
+task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy
+rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on
+the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either
+ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by
+the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed
+and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking
+exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last
+chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or
+rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora
+Schleideniana._
+
+"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands
+gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't
+look for much crop in that particular year."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+_A Hand-book to Honesty._
+
+NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)
+
+SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._
+
+I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard
+that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But
+this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of
+considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to
+one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has
+clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest
+money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand
+of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at
+a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph
+Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would
+hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at
+his own address_, as he suggests.
+
+[_Does so, hopefully_.
+
+
+SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious
+Person, _hurriedly_.
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place
+sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish
+about _this_, anyhow.
+
+[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters
+another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his
+watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but
+genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go,
+but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._--
+
+Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an
+appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP?
+
+_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL?
+
+_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr.
+SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was
+eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I
+was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter
+grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.)
+But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on
+second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across
+to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with
+a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS
+sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it.
+
+[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his
+companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an
+early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A
+couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a
+couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no,
+merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything
+is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_
+that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is
+assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the
+"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him,
+_hopeful, and admiring_.
+
+_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite
+a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get
+misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to
+ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet.
+
+[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by
+smart and austere-looking Domestic._
+
+_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more
+with him. Won't detain him a moment.
+
+_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't
+know any sech persing.
+
+_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour
+ago. Hasn't he returned?
+
+_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives
+here at all.
+
+_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white
+waistcoat!
+
+_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about
+suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But
+I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_.
+
+_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him!
+_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the
+door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable
+address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is
+gone! So are my two guineas!
+
+[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN OF SCIENCE.
+
+    [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article
+    in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to
+    it.]
+
+PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:--
+
+  I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance,
+    And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say:
+  Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL,
+    And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day.
+  I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude,
+    And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind:
+  I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,
+    And every other 'ology that anyone can find.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf,
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+  I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection
+    For a curious collection from both animals and man:
+  I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll
+    Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can.
+  I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical,
+    I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own:
+  They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus:
+    Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf;
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the
+North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron.
+Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies
+generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes,
+with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes,
+which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking,
+quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein
+he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader
+behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He
+comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon
+men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or
+proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes
+the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most
+companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN
+to be seen through.
+
+In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has
+hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely
+to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title
+series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg
+pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy
+Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year
+the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will
+be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why
+should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in
+'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow
+Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth
+edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible
+stages of the combination and permutation of colour.
+
+_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one
+of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as
+before.
+
+"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the
+Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial
+history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the
+Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders,
+_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN
+PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny
+play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS.
+
+BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their
+indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With
+Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous
+adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico.
+Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with
+the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through
+many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough
+Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The
+Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will
+please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.
+
+Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally
+by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now
+concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses
+a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all
+valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the
+highest praise.
+
+MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to
+his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the
+Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with
+brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The
+initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar
+throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the
+still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything,
+knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more
+of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most
+public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or
+art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift
+of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in
+a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who
+will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just
+enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its
+topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume,
+which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of
+work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for
+a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than
+journalism. They will take their place in Literature.
+
+November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent.
+Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S
+introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves
+up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know."
+
+My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The
+Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and
+published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia,
+rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who
+have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before
+the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.
+
+I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The
+Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These
+Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot
+apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of
+_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful,
+or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week,
+says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."
+
+(_An Intercepted Letter_.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we
+_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House,
+has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the
+door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he
+did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought
+with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it,"
+as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_
+comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women
+were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable"
+(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the
+women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully
+intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help
+laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this
+was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were
+over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr.
+WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press!
+He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I
+to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for
+we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the
+Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was
+_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_
+people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close,
+and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather
+pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor
+the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to
+her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply
+capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was
+really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside!
+But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_
+time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come
+to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that
+be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes
+to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at
+all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very,
+_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_
+affectionate friend,
+
+LUCRETIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical
+column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in
+London!) inserted this notice:--
+
+    "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club,
+    Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."
+
+Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read
+his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY
+DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not
+"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease
+at his Club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of
+Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.
+
+"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"
+
+"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE
+SAWBATH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;
+
+_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_.
+
+    ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for
+    its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and,
+    among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in
+    default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young
+    LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of
+    his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the
+    adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by
+    Surtees._]
+
+  Old stories tell how Hercules
+    At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"
+  And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)
+    The Durham men still brag on.
+  How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm
+  Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!);
+  And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all,"
+    He slew the Dragon of Wantley.
+
+  Our Dragon here is a bigger beast
+    Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;
+  On poor men's bodies he doth feast,
+    And ill-got gold long hoarded.
+  He hath iron claws, and from his jaws
+    Foul fumings are emitted.
+  The folks, his prey, who cross his way,
+    Are sorely to be pitied.
+
+  Have you not heard how the Trojan horse
+    Held seventy men inside him?
+  _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force
+    That none may rein or ride him.
+  Men hour by hour he doth devour,
+    And would they with him grapple,
+  At one big sup he'll gobble them up,
+    As schoolboys munch an apple.
+
+  All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;
+    But his favourite food's poor people,
+  But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,
+    From cottage to church steeple.
+  Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,
+    Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir,
+  And many a lair of dim despair
+    The Worm hath made its own, Sir.
+
+  In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm
+    Hath made a loathly den,
+  And there hath fed for a weary term
+    On the bodies and souls of men.
+  There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,
+    Whilst in its coils close prest
+  Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power,"
+    And "Vested Interest."
+
+  Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?
+    Lo! a champion appears.
+  He seems but small, and he looks not old--
+    A youth of scarce three years.
+  But "he hath put on his coat of mail,
+    Thick set with razors all,"
+  And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,
+    On that Dragon's crest to fall.
+
+  And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,
+    He to the fight advances.
+  Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,
+    With caution in his glances.
+  If he make shift that sword to lift,
+    And smite that Dragon dead,
+  No hero young song yet hath sung
+    A fouler pest hath sped.
+
+  Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!
+    That two-edged blade is big, Sir!
+  That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be
+    "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,
+  (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,
+    In his quaint and curious story.)
+  If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise,
+    And legendary glory.
+
+  When London's streets are haunts of health
+    (Ah! happy if distant, when)
+  And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth
+    Feeds not on the filthy den;
+  The men to this champion's memory
+    Shall lift the brimming flagon,
+  And drink with glee to young County C,
+    Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had
+gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling
+TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to
+now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is
+to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs.
+TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy,
+entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M.
+STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must
+have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a
+column to STANLEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be
+the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are
+to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.
+
+_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the
+Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT
+THE LAST FENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the
+Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an
+orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids,
+with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass
+band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the
+house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or
+ordinary.
+
+_Thursday.--Orféo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA
+RAVOGLI in GLÃœCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for
+many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted
+house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to
+an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double
+recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che
+farò_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable.
+Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for
+a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks,
+with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air,
+and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled
+walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures
+and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues,
+when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental
+dances by two _premières danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than
+generally supposed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor
+has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula
+Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIS NOMINABIT?
+
+(_Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.")
+
+    MR. PUNCH, SIR,
+
+    I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of
+    contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more
+    or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been
+    invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse,
+    on the recently launched proposition to establish in our
+    midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters."
+    Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to
+    elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds
+    as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to
+    be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important
+    function. As to what would be the use of an institution of
+    the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to
+    reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body
+    capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants
+    who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the
+    distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been
+    entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well
+    then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that
+    "I am all there!"
+
+    Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say,
+    twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince
+    of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally
+    widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of
+    the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in
+    supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway
+    Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even
+    conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious
+    criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan
+    character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff
+    AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor
+    of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade.
+
+    It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour
+    to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the
+    names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_,
+    following them up with the representatives of commercial
+    enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed
+    respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea
+    Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY
+    OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I
+    would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of
+    CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir
+    WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or
+    any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with
+    the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing
+    deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the
+    country, there can be little need to question further the
+    necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those
+    who are to constitute that institution is another thing;
+    but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this
+    inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the
+    question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit
+    that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting
+    to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the
+    matter at issue, to publish this communication,
+
+    I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+    A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEFORE AND BEHIND.
+
+(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.)
+
+    SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read
+    that--
+
+    "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her
+    MAJESTY and the Royal Family."
+
+    This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly
+    Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the
+    QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal
+    Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose
+    "before" does not here relate to time, but to position.
+    It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth
+    recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking
+    _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her
+    Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to
+    listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the
+    Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any
+    possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask
+    for information, and am
+
+    Yours,
+
+    FIDELITER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest
+BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big
+tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of
+the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co.
+Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though
+he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let
+him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy
+our Sundays in peace and quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY
+AND MAYOR."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN
+SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSTALGIA.
+
+"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE
+CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR.
+IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.
+
+
+SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun.
+The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps
+number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the
+front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to
+conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog
+is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy
+dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending
+Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty
+row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or
+worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._
+
+_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away
+to-night, _we_ are!
+
+_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the
+pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to
+'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like
+that, I sez.
+
+    [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls,
+    with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a
+    cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on
+    platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates
+    in a back row._
+
+_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I
+co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to
+repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins
+vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform
+by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member
+of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain
+coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select
+from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates
+slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am
+vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._)
+Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from
+Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you
+'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from
+Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any
+dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan
+do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He
+pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart
+ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to
+choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._)
+I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c.
+
+_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the
+West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it.
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly
+do it _now_--but I know how it's done.
+
+[_He explains elaborately how it is done_.
+
+_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may
+leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze
+inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be
+moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for
+ze burpose of my exberiment.
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his
+companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as
+before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!
+
+_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf
+nossing insoide of your 'at?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary,
+there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll
+thank you to give me back by-and-by.
+
+_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of
+flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do
+you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over,
+please; I want them.
+
+[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_
+
+_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels
+loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice,
+Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there
+were.
+
+_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a
+leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two,
+dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool,
+Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze
+vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _]
+Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large
+feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is
+vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman,
+he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me,
+so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
+
+[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers
+amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly
+in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._
+
+_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded
+impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to
+play the fool with it like this!
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently.
+
+[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a
+blunderbuss into a crystal casket_.
+
+_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to
+let that thing off!
+
+_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't
+help it.
+
+_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves
+won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only
+_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure.
+
+_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_.
+
+_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his
+shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I
+_know_ I shall!
+
+_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get
+to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming
+sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_
+scream, after all!
+
+_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for
+me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late!
+
+[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't
+_imagine_ how it was done!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still
+rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child
+could do it!
+
+_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they
+were all corded up, and sealed!
+
+_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_?
+Why, it was another rabbit, of course!
+
+_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the
+borrowed watch round its neck.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes
+have false bottoms.
+
+_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes.
+
+_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was
+holding it all the time in a paper bag?
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too
+long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you
+_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!
+
+_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties
+and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like
+myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly
+abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will
+distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the
+Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions
+too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin'
+dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as
+been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his
+hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches
+have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very
+hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between
+like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!"
+from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a
+crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the
+performance_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and
+open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing
+correspondent."
+
+"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and
+able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's
+case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me
+a drink."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.
+
+They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty
+in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with
+a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun
+to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it
+woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin
+for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too
+Gentelmanly Managers let me go.
+
+The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers,
+was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all
+to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased
+when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers"
+as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have
+not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all
+pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they
+found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted
+Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only
+arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party,
+a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party,
+declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was
+shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a
+warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not
+no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't
+stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and
+a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one
+glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which
+I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the
+cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture
+to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was
+too.
+
+We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the
+Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or
+other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno,
+we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted
+to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the
+werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff
+drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally
+the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's
+a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the
+souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to
+alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it
+I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found
+ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.
+
+In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the
+himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a
+little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called
+Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome
+of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real
+Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the
+great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was,
+that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to
+make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the
+Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we
+can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the
+rite way to git it!
+
+I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil
+reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether
+Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like
+true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next
+April, by which time they woud be able to decide.
+
+On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church,
+where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most
+lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard
+of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the
+bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that,
+if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its
+sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was
+a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with
+plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me
+to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody
+when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to
+make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as
+such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth,
+if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant
+and the Heddicated.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***
diff --git a/12517-h/12517-h.htm b/12517-h/12517-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c7caeed
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/12517-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,1961 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" />
+
+    <title>Punch, November 15, 1890.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body {
+    margin-left: 10%;
+    margin-right: 10%;
+    }
+    p {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    blockquote {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    pre {
+    font-size : 0.7em;
+    }
+    hr {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    html > body hr {
+    margin-right : 25%;
+    margin-left : 25%;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    hr.full {
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.full {
+    margin-right : 0%;
+    margin-left : 0%;
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    hr.short {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.short {
+    margin-right : 40%;
+    margin-left : 40%;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    .author {
+    text-align : right;
+    margin-right : 5%;
+    margin-top : 0em;
+    }
+    .bracket {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    text-indent : -2em;
+    }
+    .center {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    .note {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    font-size : 0.9em;
+    }
+    span.pagenum {
+    position : absolute;
+    left : 1%;
+    right : 91%;
+    font-size : 8pt;
+    }
+    .poem {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    margin-bottom : 1em;
+    text-align : left;
+    }
+    .poem .stanza {
+    margin : 1em 0;
+    }
+    .poem p {
+    margin : 0;
+    padding-left : 3em;
+    text-indent : -3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i2 {
+    margin-left : 1em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i4 {
+    margin-left : 2em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i6 {
+    margin-left : 3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i8 {
+    margin-left : 4em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i10 {
+    margin-left : 5em;
+    }
+    .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft {
+    padding : 1em;
+    margin : 0;
+    text-align : center;
+    font-size : 0.8em;
+    }
+    .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img {
+    border : none;
+    }
+    .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p {
+    margin : 0;
+    text-indent : 1em;
+    }
+    .figcenter {
+    margin : auto;
+    }
+    .figright {
+    float : right;
+    }
+    .figleft {
+    float : left;
+    }
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>NOVEMBER 15, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229"
+       id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. VI.&mdash;THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.</h3>
+
+    <p class="bracket">(<i>By</i> J. MUIR KIRRIE, <i>Author of "A
+    Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees
+    Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">[With this story came a glossary of Scotch
+        expressions. We have referred to it as we went along, and
+        found everything quite intelligible. As, however, we have
+        no room to publish the glossary, we can only appeal to the
+        indulgence of our readers. The story itself was written in
+        a very clear, legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper
+        labelled, "Arcadia Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined.
+        Sold in Six-shilling cases. Special terms for Southrons.
+        Liberal allowance for returned empties."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+
+    <p>We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A
+    pig-sty is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there
+    were special reasons, of which you shall hear something later,
+    for sitting on this particular pig-sty.</p>
+
+    <p>The old sow was within, extended at full length.
+    Occasionally she grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond
+    that, she seemed to show but a faint interest in the
+    proceedings. She had been a witness of similar gatherings for
+    some years, and, to tell the truth, they had begun to bore her,
+    but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that her
+    appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae.
+    Ah, that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat
+    in the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree
+    I-dree I droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know
+    what I mean? Life is like that. When we are children the bread
+    is thick, and the butter is thin; as we grow to be lads and
+    lassies, the bread dwindles, and the butter increases; but the
+    old men and women who totter about the commonty, how shall they
+    munch when their teeth are gone? That's the question. I'm a
+    Dominie. What!&mdash;no answer? Go to the bottom of the class,
+    all of you.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/229.png"
+             alt="Sitting on the pig-sty" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+
+    <p>As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the
+    <i>habitu&eacute;s</i> I scarcely need to speak to you, since
+    you must know their names, even if you fail to pronounce them.
+    But there was a stranger amongst us, a stranger who, it was
+    said, had come from London. Yesterday when I went ben the house
+    I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was sitting with
+    us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that he
+    wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his
+    pillows with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at
+    what he called "such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't
+    believe a single word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our
+    humorist. It was not without difficulty that TAMMAS had
+    attained to this position, and he was resolved to keep it.
+    Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival humorist whom he
+    would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was not marked
+    with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch
+    weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us,
+    as we watched the preparations for the impending conflict.</p>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER III.</h3>
+
+    <p>After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the
+    old sow with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed
+    HENDRY MCQUMPHA.</p>
+
+    <p>"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"</p>
+
+    <p>HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he
+    answered.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a
+    humorist. I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other
+    humorists in the world, am thinkin."</p>
+
+    <p>This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was
+    usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward
+    silence which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor
+    Dominie, but some of my happiest hours had been passed on the
+    pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end? PETE took
+    up the talking.</p>
+
+    <p>"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of
+    TAMMAS'S snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a
+    thing 'at spouts out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae
+    spouter in Thrums 'at can match wi' TAMMAS."</p>
+
+    <p>He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching
+    for coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD
+    said nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the
+    stranger spoke.</p>
+
+    <p>"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to
+    some experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and
+    generally manage to do a large business."</p>
+
+    <p>He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of
+    his keen glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to
+    clear the course for a sarcasm.</p>
+
+    <p>"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's
+    meanin' to be a humorist."</p>
+
+    <p>This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed
+    our eyes on the stranger.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I
+    trust I make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at
+    catch-weights. Now here, he continued," are some of my samples.
+    This story about a house-boat, for instance, has been much
+    appreciated. It's almost in the style of Mr. JEROME'S
+    masterpiece; or this screamer about my wife's tobacco-pipe and
+    the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, holding the sample
+    near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. Puff, puff!
+    Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes happen
+    to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he
+    produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we
+    have a packet of sarcasm&mdash;equal to dynamite. I left it on
+    the steps of the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then
+    here are some particularly neat things in cheques. I use them
+    myself to paper my bedroom. It's simpler and easier than
+    cashing them, and besides," adjusting his mouth to his sleeve,
+    and laughing, "it's quite killing when you come to think of it
+    in that way. Lastly, there's this banking-account sample,
+    thoroughly suitable for journalists and children. You see how
+    it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you don't want a
+    drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it never
+    varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to
+    set against that, my friend?"</p>
+
+    <p>We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him,
+    and he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had
+    returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would
+    be crushed. Then TAMMAS began&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an'
+    there's mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're
+    no Thrums fowk, and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist
+    settle this matter. When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o'
+    humour, we're a' dependent on other fowk to tak' note o' the
+    humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's lauched at anything you've
+    telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo then," he roared out, "'A
+    pie sat on a pear-tree.'"</p>
+
+    <p>We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went
+    up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into
+    the sty a senseless mass.</p>
+
+    <p>"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what
+    a crittur ye are! What pit that in your heed?"</p>
+
+    <p>"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving
+    a muscle; "it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song.
+    That's where the humour o' it comes in."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale
+    humour." On the whole, I agree with him.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTIVE.&mdash;<i>My Musical Experiences</i>, by BETTINA
+    WALKER, will probably be followed by <i>My Eye</i>, by BETTINA
+    MARTIN.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230"
+       id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h3>THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD
+        FLAME.</h3><a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/230.png"
+             alt="THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Young Spark</i>. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY
+        OLD FOGEY LONG ENOUGH!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Old Flame (aside)</i>. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["It is obvious that small tunnels for
+        single lines, of the usual standard gauge, may be
+        constructed some distance below the ground, and yet the
+        atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure as upon a railway on
+        the surface."&mdash;<i>Illustrated London News, on the City
+        &amp; South London Electric Company</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center">"<i>Young Spark</i>"
+    <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your arm, my dear Madam! <i>This</i> way, down the
+            lift, Ma'am!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No danger at all, no discomfort, no
+            dirt!</p>
+
+            <p>You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my
+            gift, Ma'am;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll prove like a shot what I boldly
+            assert.</p>
+
+            <p>Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly
+            jealous,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of
+            joint;</p>
+
+            <p>You just let him bluster and blow like old
+            bellows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And try <i>me</i> instead&mdash;<i>I</i>
+            will not disappoint!</p>
+
+            <p>Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame,"
+            Ma'am;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him
+            so long;</p>
+
+            <p>He has choked you for years&mdash;'tis a thundering
+            shame, Ma'am!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">High time the Young Spark put a term to
+            his wrong.</p>
+
+            <p>Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and
+            sparkling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As clean as a pin, and as bright as a
+            star?</p>
+
+            <p>Compare me with him, who stands scowling and
+            darkling!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So gazed the old gallant on Young
+            LOCHINVAR.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And pokey, and chokey, and black as my
+            hat.</p>
+
+            <p>As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of
+            sulphur;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at
+            that!</p>
+
+            <p>You <i>cannot</i> see beauty in one who's so
+            sooty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and
+            dark.</p>
+
+            <p>He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the
+            Young Spark.</p>
+
+            <p>A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My dear Lady LONDON, is not <i>comme il
+            faut</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At least I lend light to love-making
+            below.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231"
+               id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>You</i>'ll follow Apollo the
+            Younger&mdash;that's me!</p>
+
+            <p>He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>His</i> lady-love, LONDON! Bah!
+            Fiddle-de-dee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene
+            hall!</p>
+
+            <p>I think you'll admit it is sparkling and
+            splendid,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As clean as a palace, not black as a
+            pall.</p>
+
+            <p>Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils
+            his small game.</p>
+
+            <p>You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold
+            Love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And let the Young Spark supersede the Old
+            Flame.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Carries her off in triumph.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h3>
+
+    <p>Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was
+    King, MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various
+    studies in Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has
+    a gallery in King Street, which is devoted to studies in Black
+    and White. You may say, history repeats itself. Nothing of the
+    kind. The gentleman of GEORGE THE THIRD'S time devoted himself
+    to the pugilistic art; the gentleman of the time of VICTORIA
+    gives his attention to graphic art. The one was the patron of
+    fists, the other of fingers&mdash;that makes all the
+    difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes&mdash;MENDOZA the
+    Present opens them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery,
+    you will find a pleasant collection of Eye Art&mdash;open to
+    all peepers. It is true it may not be High Art, but you will
+    find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful and comforting."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since
+    the days of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is
+    "quite up to time, and smiling," with his present collection
+    (your Old PAR can't help using the argot of the P.R., and
+    brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to the Haymarket, in "<i>A
+    Bend in the River, near Maple Durham</i>." He shows us the
+    views of BURTON BARBER on "<i>Compulsory Education</i>," also a
+    wondrous picture of the "<i>Gate of the Great Mosque of
+    Damascus</i>," by BAUERNFEIND, "<i>A Venetian Brunette</i>," by
+    FILDES, and many other works that will well repay inspection,
+    but of which there is no space for anything more to be said by
+    yours par-enthetically,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">OLD PAR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["Whoever walks beside the river (the
+        Ettrick), will observe five or six or more men and boys,
+        equipped with gigantic wading-breeches, busy in each pool.
+        They are only armed with rods and flies, and thus have a
+        false appearance of being fair fishers.... The truth is
+        that the apparent sportsmen are snigglers, not anglers.
+        They drive the top part of their rods deep into the water,
+        so as to rake the bottom, and then bring the hook out with
+        a jerk. Every now and then ... one of the persecuted fishes
+        ... is hauled out with short shrift."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        News.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are
+            sore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As we think of the errors and wrongs we
+            have got to</p>
+
+            <p>Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The things people do, that they really
+            ought not to!</p>
+
+            <p>With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When the mention of Love only causes a
+            giggle,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>But we'd manage to live and still hold up our
+            head,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were it not for the villain who ventures
+            to sniggle.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The bed of the river, and gallantly
+            wading,</p>
+
+            <p>Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of genuine sport but a mere
+            masquerading.</p>
+
+            <p>You might think him a fool for his trouble&mdash;but
+            look!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(And it's true, though at first it
+            appears to be gammon)</p>
+
+            <p>With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a
+            salmon!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To hear of sport ruined by such a
+            proceeding;</p>
+
+            <p>And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To give the advice they so sadly seem
+            needing.</p>
+
+            <p>Let them think, as they work their inglorious
+            plan,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and
+            must wriggle;</p>
+
+            <p>And may they in future all see if they can,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By learning to angle, forget how to
+            sniggle!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231.png"
+             alt="IN OUR GARDEN" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had
+    not at all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our
+    onion-bed. This portion of the garden had been disappointing
+    from the first. Early in the Spring, when hope beat high, and
+    the young gardener's fancy lightly turned to thoughts of large
+    crops, SARK and I were resting after a frugal luncheon, when
+    ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open window. I knew from
+    his beaming face that something was wrong.</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head
+    gardener. We have no other, therefore he is the head. Out of
+    the garden he is known as PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who
+    insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. SARK had noticed that
+    about the time of the Flood there was singular deliberation in
+    entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not seem to be
+    thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. SHEM,
+    himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third son,
+    ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and
+    a father at thirty-five.</p>
+
+    <p>"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has
+    escaped the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual
+    forwardness of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear
+    nothing more of ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things
+    move. Now what we want in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow
+    always up to date, if not ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS
+    by calling him ARPACHSHAD."</p>
+
+    <p>WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a
+    matter of another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I
+    demurred, and it was finally compromised on the basis of a rise
+    of a shilling a-week. As far as I have observed, SARK'S device,
+    like many others he has put forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS
+    couldn't be slower in going round than is ARPACHSHAD. The only
+    time he ever displays any animation is when he discovers some
+    fresh disaster. When things are going well (which isn't often)
+    he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change for the worse.
+    When the worst comes he positively beams over it. Difficult to
+    say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, or in
+    one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the
+    discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is
+    always on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the
+    Frit-fly, or the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or
+    the Mustard Beetle,&mdash;"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls
+    him. To see, as is not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree,
+    cherry-tree, or damson-tree, fading under the attack of the
+    caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes ARPACHSHAD a new man.
+    His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the gleam of faded
+    youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in softer
+    glance.</p>
+
+    <p>"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring
+    afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done
+    for. Ever seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking
+    thing; pretty reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale
+    grey wings. About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the
+    sheath of the onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the
+    larvey burrowing down into the bulb; after which, there's
+    hardly any hope for your honion."</p>
+
+    <p>"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I
+    was too down-hearted to speak.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect
+    of interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag
+    of soot, wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully
+    sprinkle the plant, and let the soot wash in, <i>that</i>
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232"
+       id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> might save a few here and
+       there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe
+       them, it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how
+       it's worth the trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the
+       fly wants the honion, who are we that we should say it nay?
+       I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was you, I'd let things take their
+       swing. It's a terrible thing to go a interfering with
+       Nater."</p>
+
+    <p>But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken
+    to run this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so
+    I got SARK to sweep out the flues of the furnace in the
+    greenhouse, in the course of which he broke several panes of
+    glass, not expecting, so he explained, to find the handle of
+    his brush so near the roof. We half filled a sack with soot,
+    and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for a wet day,
+    usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long deferred.
+    ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that rain
+    was coming&mdash;then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong
+    onion. "We waited just too long, not starting till the rain
+    began to fall. Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the
+    soot under conditions of moisture. But, as SARK said, having
+    put our hands to the soot-bag, we were not going to turn back.
+    Nor did we till we had completed the task, ARPACHSHAD looking
+    on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy rain would wash the
+    soot off before it could have any effect on the fly. On the
+    whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either ARPACHSHAD
+    had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by the
+    fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed and
+    blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking
+    exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in
+    the last chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the
+    heels, or rather the wings, of the <i>Anthomyia Ceparum</i>,
+    fell the <i>Peronospora Schleideniana.</i></p>
+
+    <p>"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his
+    hands gleefully;&mdash;"but, when you get one on the top of
+    t'other, you don't look for much crop in that particular
+    year."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i></p>
+
+    <h3>No. V.&mdash;MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE I.&mdash;<i>Apartment of innocent but
+    temporarily impecunious person.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">I.P. <i>discovered reading advertisements and
+    correspondence.</i></p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232.png"
+             alt="HOW IT'S DONE" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Humph! It <i>sounds</i> all
+    right. I <i>have</i> heard that these Loan-mongers are
+    sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But this one is surely
+    genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of considerate and
+    sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to one. No
+    inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has
+    clients, men of capital, but <i>not</i> speculators, who wish
+    to invest money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just
+    so! Note of hand of any respectable person sufficient.
+    <i>That</i>'s all right. Advance at a few hours' notice.
+    Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W.
+    That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would hardly
+    live <i>there</i>. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment
+    <i>at his own address</i>, as he suggests.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Does so, hopefully</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W.,
+    at</i> 11 A.M. <i>Enter</i> Impecunious Person,
+    <i>hurriedly</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but
+    here's the place sure enough, and that's the number. Fine
+    house, too. Nothing sharkish about <i>this</i>, anyhow.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch.
+    On door-step encounters another person, also apparently in a
+    hurry, and also consulting his watch. This person is perhaps a
+    trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but genially pompous and
+    semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, but stopping
+    suddenly, stares at</i> I.P., <i>and addresses
+    him.</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>Ahem! I&mdash;a&mdash;beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by
+    any chance an appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a
+    Mr. MUGSNAP?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Why&mdash;a&mdash;yes, as a matter of fact, I
+    have.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap</i>. Quite so. And your name is
+    SOFTSHELL?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Well&mdash;yes, as a matter of fact, it is.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily</i>). Ah! that's all right. Well
+    met, Mr. SOFTSHELL! (<i>Produces letter</i>.) This is yours, I
+    fancy. The time was eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes
+    and a quarter behind. I was just off, for if I gave all my
+    clients seven minutes and a quarter grace, I should lose about
+    four hours a day, Sir. (<i>Laughs jovially</i>.) But no matter!
+    Just step this way. (<i>Produces latch-key</i>.) But no, on
+    second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step
+    across to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over
+    together with a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port
+    in London, BUMPUS sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate
+    it.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>They cross to "The Shades," where</i>
+    Mr. MUGSNAP <i>wins upon his companion by his hearty style, and
+    all difficulties in the way of "an early advance" are smoothed
+    away in a highly satisfactory manner. A couple of references,
+    of course, "just as a matter of form," and a couple of guineas
+    for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, merely
+    "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything
+    is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide
+    against</i> that, <i>you knew. Within three days at the
+    outside</i>, Mr. SOFTSHELL <i>is assured, that money will be in
+    his hands without fail. Meanwhile the "couple o' guineas" leave
+    his hands, and</i> Mr. MUGSNAP <i>leaves</i> him, <i>hopeful,
+    and admiring</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P. (strolling homeward</i>). Very pleasant person, Mr.
+    MUGSNAP. Quite a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How
+    worthy people get misrepresented! By the way, though, there's
+    one question I forgot to ask him. I'll just step back. Don't
+    suppose he has gone yet.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions.
+    Knocks, and is answered by smart and austere-looking
+    Domestic.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just
+    <i>one</i> word more with him. Won't detain him a moment.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austere Domestic</i>. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP,
+    pray? Don't know any sech persing.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment,
+    only an hour ago. Hasn't he returned?</p>
+
+    <p><i>A.D. (emphatically</i>). I tell you there ain't no Mr.
+    MUGSNAP lives here at all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh <i>dear</i>, yes! Stout
+    gentleman&mdash;military appearance&mdash;white waistcoat!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A.S. (scornfully</i>). Oh, <i>him</i>! I saw sech a party
+    'anging about suspiciously awhile ago, and <i>spoke to the
+    perliceman about him</i>. But I don't know him, and he don't
+    live <i>here! [Shuts door sharply</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns
+    upon him!</i> ) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." <i>That's</i>
+    why he met me on the door-step. Of course he doesn't live here
+    at all. Gave a respectable address, and <i>watched for me
+    outside!</i> And the sleek-spoken shark is gone! So are my two
+    guineas!</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Retires a sadder, and a wiser
+    man</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MAN OF SCIENCE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing
+        article in <i>Blackwood,</i> on a new religion, that
+        science is equal to it.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center">PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM <i>sings</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place
+            reliance,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I hurl a stern defiance at what other
+            people say:</p>
+
+            <p>Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL,
+            HUXLEY, TYNDALL,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all preaching is a swindle, that's
+            the motto of to-day.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic
+            attitude,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And everything's a platitude that springs
+            not from my mind:</p>
+
+            <p>I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And every other 'ology that anyone can
+            find.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on
+            the shelf,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and
+            govern it myself.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had
+            affection</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For a curious collection from both
+            animals and man:</p>
+
+            <p>I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little
+            cracked, I'll</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce
+            on anything I can.</p>
+
+            <p>I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry
+            organical,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I
+            must own:</p>
+
+            <p>They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to
+            the Bosphorus:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I
+            been never known.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on
+            the shelf;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and
+            govern it myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."&mdash;Question by the G.O.M. on
+    quitting the North,&mdash;"Stands Scotland where it did?"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+       id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-1.png"
+             alt="MAN READING" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Read <i>The World and the Will</i>, by JAMES PAYN, says the
+    Baron. Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the
+    Colonies generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a
+    line he quotes, with a slight difference of spelling, in his
+    present three volumes, which is full of good things; his own
+    "asides" being, to my thinking, quoth the Baron, by far the
+    most enjoyable part of his books. Herein he resembles
+    THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader behind the
+    scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He comes
+    in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon
+    men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a
+    quirk, or proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you,
+    before he resumes the story, and says, with the older
+    romancers, "But to our tale." Most companionable writer is
+    JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN to be seen
+    through.</p>
+
+    <p>In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW
+    LANG has hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron
+    begs sincerely to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold
+    mine as a book-title series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote,
+    and LANGMAN'S&mdash;no, beg pardon&mdash;LONGMANS published
+    <i>The Blue Fairy Book.</i> The <i>Blue Fairy Book</i>, when it
+    appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year the MERRY
+    ANDREW issues <i>The Red Fairy Book</i>, which, of course, will
+    be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it
+    stop? Why should it stop? Next year there'll be <i>The Green
+    Fairy Book</i>; in '92 the <i>Yellow Fairy Book</i> (commencing
+    with new version of <i>Yellow Dwarf</i>), then the White, then
+    the Black, then the Ver-millionth edition, and so on and so on,
+    <i>ad infinitum</i>, through all the possible stages of the
+    combination and permutation of colour.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Magazine of Art for 1890</i>, published by CASSELL
+    &amp; Co., is one of the best of its kind for pictures and
+    Art-articles, The Mixture as before.</p>
+
+    <p>"Christmas is coming"&mdash;but the Publishers seem to think
+    that the Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we
+    know the proverbial history of to-morrow. However, to humour
+    the up-to-date notion, the Baron recommends to his young
+    friends who wish to amuse their elders, <i>Dolldom</i>, a
+    dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN
+    PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very
+    funny play, children imitating dolls. Published by J.
+    WILLIAMS.</p>
+
+    <p>BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their
+    indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: <i>By Right of Conquest; or,
+    With Cortez in Mexico</i>. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by
+    his marvellous adventures, proves <i>his</i> right to be a hero
+    in the Conquest of Mexico. Of a more modern date is <i>A
+    Chapter of Accidents</i>, which deals with the Bombardment of
+    Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through many
+    chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. <i>A
+    Rough Shaking</i>, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys'
+    book, while <i>The Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,</i>
+    by the same author, will please the Baron's old-fashioned
+    fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.</p>
+
+    <p>Whoever possesses the <i>Henry Irving
+    Shakspeare</i>,&mdash;started originally by my dear old
+    enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now concluded
+    by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,&mdash;possesses
+    a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all
+    valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which
+    is the highest praise.</p>
+
+    <p>MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an <i>Inconnue</i>. They
+    were written to his paper, the <i>Tribune</i>, and have
+    redressed the balance between the Old World and the New by
+    furnishing New York from week to week with brilliant, incisive,
+    and faithful pictures of life in London. The initials,
+    "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar
+    throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S."
+    in the still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees
+    everything, knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn
+    a great deal more of what is going on in London than some of us
+    who live here. Most public men of the present day, whether in
+    politics, literature, or art, have, all unconsciously, sat to
+    "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift of seizing the salient points
+    of a character, and reproducing them in a few pellucid
+    sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who will be
+    delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just
+    enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not
+    its topic. <i>Personalities</i> is the alluring title of the
+    first volume, which contains forty-two studies of character. It
+    is dangerous kind of work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully
+    steered his passage. Written for a newspaper, <i>London
+    Letters</i> (MACMILLAN &amp; CO.) rank higher than journalism.
+    They will take their place in Literature.</p>
+
+    <p>November Number of the <i>English Illustrated Magazine</i>,
+    excellent. Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and
+    Lord SELBORNE'S introduction. The COOKE who presides in this
+    particular kitchen serves up a capital dish every
+    month&mdash;and "quite English, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume
+    called <i>The Decline and Fall of the British Empire</i>,
+    written by "Anonymous," and published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER.
+    The tome deals with Australia, rather than England, and is
+    dated a thousand years hence; so those who have no immediate
+    leisure will have plenty of time to read it before the events
+    therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.</p>
+
+    <p>I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled
+    <i>The Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West
+    Africa</i>. These Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot.
+    Black-sheepish lot apparently, as being in West Africa. Major
+    ELLIS is the author also of <i>The Tshi-speaking People</i>.
+    These last must be either timidly bashful, or else a very T-shi
+    lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, says</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>An Intercepted Letter</i>.)</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-2.png"
+             alt="LUCRETIA WITH OPERA-GLASSES" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>DEAREST BECKY,&mdash;I have had <i>such</i> luck! Oh,
+    <i>so</i> fortunate! Fancy, we <i>did</i> get in, after all!
+    You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, has a friend a
+    barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the door of
+    the Court at eleven, he <i>thought</i> he could slip us in. And
+    he did, my dear&mdash;he did! We got <i>capital</i> places, and
+    as we had brought with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a
+    real good time of it," as your brother calls it! We had our
+    work, too, and so were <i>quite</i> comfortable. The
+    night-charges were <i>such</i> fun! A lot of men and women were
+    brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable"
+    (that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the
+    women was very old&mdash;such a silly frump!&mdash;she was
+    still dreadfully intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, <i>of
+    course</i>, but we couldn't help laughing! She was <i>such</i>
+    a figure before they got rid of her! But this was only the
+    overture to the drama. After the night-charges were over, the
+    Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr.
+    WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the
+    Press! He said that MARY contributed to the <i>Blood and
+    Thunder News</i>, and I to the <i>Murder Gazette</i>! I am sure
+    it must have been in <i>fun</i>, for we have never <i>seen</i>
+    the papers. When lunch was over, in came the Magistrate with
+    <i>a number</i> of the "<i>smartest</i>" people! Really, I was
+    <i>quite delighted</i> to be in such <i>good</i> company. All
+    sorts of <i>nice</i> people. And then&mdash;oh&mdash;it was
+    <i>lovely</i>! We saw <i>her quite</i> close, and could watch
+    the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather pretty! She
+    was wearing her <i>ordinary</i> clothes; not the workhouse, nor
+    the ones <i>with the blood on them</i>, but some that had been
+    sent in to her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses.
+    They are <i>simply capital</i>, darling! We were much amused
+    with <i>his</i> evidence; and it was really <i>excellent</i>
+    fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! But I am not
+    sure <i>he</i> cared for them! We got away in <i>excellent</i>
+    time, and I hope to go again. I am trying <i>very hard</i>
+    (should it come to anything) to be present at the <i>last scene
+    of all!</i> Wouldn't that be <i>lovely</i>? I should have to be
+    at the place, though, at <i>ten minutes to eight o'clock!</i> I
+    don't think I should go to bed that night <i>at all!</i> If I
+    did, I am <i>sure</i> I should not sleep! It would be so very,
+    <i>very</i> interesting! And now, my <i>dearest</i>,
+    good-bye.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Your ever <i>most</i> affectionate friend,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">LUCRETIA.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."&mdash;In its most useful and
+    instructive theatrical column last Sunday's <i>Observer</i>
+    (the only Observer of a Sunday in London!) inserted this
+    notice:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers'
+        Club, Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR
+    JONES read his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very
+    hard on poor HENRY DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a
+    few minutes of peace (not "piece," <i>bien entendu</i>) to
+    himself. Leave him alone to take his ease at his Club.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.&mdash;At a recent
+    meeting of Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but
+    MOST escaped.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+       id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/234.png"
+             alt="A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.</h3>
+
+        <p>"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"</p>
+
+        <p>"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS&mdash;AND TWA OF THEM
+        SNAPPIT UP BY THE SAWBATH!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;</h2>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little
+    Master County Council</i>.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till
+        it was too large for its habitation.... It became the
+        terror of the country, and, among other enormities, levied
+        a daily contribution ... in default of which it would
+        devour both man and beast.... Young LAMBTON was extremely
+        shocked at witnessing the effects of his youthful
+        imprudence, and immediately undertook the
+        adventure."&mdash;<i>Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as
+        related by Surtees.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Old stories tell how Hercules</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"</p>
+
+            <p>And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Durham men still brag on.</p>
+
+            <p>How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm</p>
+
+            <p>Old legends tell (they <i>can't</i> lie!);</p>
+
+            <p>And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at
+            all,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He slew the Dragon of Wantley.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our Dragon here is a bigger beast</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;</p>
+
+            <p>On poor men's bodies he doth feast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And ill-got gold long hoarded.</p>
+
+            <p>He hath iron claws, and from his jaws</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Foul fumings are emitted.</p>
+
+            <p>The folks, his prey, who cross his way,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are sorely to be pitied.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Have you not heard how the Trojan horse</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Held seventy men inside him?</p>
+
+            <p><i>This</i> Dragon's bigger, and of such force</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That none may rein or ride him.</p>
+
+            <p>Men hour by hour he doth devour,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And would they with him grapple,</p>
+
+            <p>At one big sup he'll gobble them up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As schoolboys munch an apple.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But his favourite food's poor people,</p>
+
+            <p>But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From cottage to church steeple.</p>
+
+            <p>Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hath grown, and grown, and grown,
+            Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>And many a lair of dim despair</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Worm hath made its own, Sir.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hath made a loathly den,</p>
+
+            <p>And there hath fed for a weary term</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On the bodies and souls of men.</p>
+
+            <p>There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whilst in its coils close prest</p>
+
+            <p>Are the things it thrives on&mdash;"Landlord
+            Power,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And "Vested Interest."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Lo! a champion appears.</p>
+
+            <p>He seems but small, and he looks not old&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A youth of scarce three years.</p>
+
+            <p>But "he hath put on his coat of mail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thick set with razors all,"</p>
+
+            <p>And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On that Dragon's crest to fall.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He to the fight advances.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With caution in his glances.</p>
+
+            <p>If he make shift that sword to lift,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And smite that Dragon dead,</p>
+
+            <p>No hero young song yet hath sung</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fouler pest hath sped.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That two-edged blade is big, Sir!</p>
+
+            <p>That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>(As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In his quaint and curious story.)</p>
+
+            <p>If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's
+            praise,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And legendary glory.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When London's streets are haunts of health</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Ah! happy if distant, when)</p>
+
+            <p>And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Feeds not on the filthy den;</p>
+
+            <p>The men to this champion's memory</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall lift the brimming flagon,</p>
+
+            <p>And drink with glee to young County C,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.&mdash;Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now
+    wishes he had gone on his exploration journey quite alone,
+    without any travelling TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth
+    mentioning here, that, up to now, the only mention of
+    difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is to be found in a
+    little shilling book recently published by Messrs. TRISCHLER
+    &amp; CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy,
+    entitled, <i>A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa</i>.
+    Whether H.M. STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to
+    be seen. We must have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear
+    Column before we rear a column to STANLEY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the <i>Standard</i>, are
+    in future to be the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not
+    beer, but fish. There are to be "no takers" at present, so the
+    cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+       id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/235.png"
+             alt='THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON&mdash;AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL' />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON&mdash;AND YOUNG COUNTY
+        COUNCIL.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <!-- blank page 236-->
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+       id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237.png"
+             alt="HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1" /></a>
+
+        <h3>HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best
+        thing of the Season</i>). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING
+        BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT THE LAST FENCE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OPERATIC NOTES.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Welcome once more to our old friend,
+    <i>Norma, the Deceived Druidess</i>, who was called
+    <i>Norma</i> for short, she being an orphan, and having "nor
+    par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, with Arch-Druid
+    <i>Oroveso</i> in the chair, might have had a better brass
+    band. <i>Norma</i> nowadays is not particularly attractive, and
+    the house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than
+    normal or ordinary.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday.&mdash;Orf&eacute;o.</i> First appearance of
+    Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA RAVOGLI in GL&Uuml;CK'S beautiful
+    Opera, which has not been seen here for many years,
+    but&mdash;judging from its reception by a full and delighted
+    house&mdash;will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season
+    comes to an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as
+    <i>Orpheus</i>; double recall after three of the four Acts;
+    house insisting on having "<i>Che far&ograve;</i>" all over
+    again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable.
+    Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of
+    Erebus for a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric.
+    Demons lie on rocks, with silver serpents round their necks as
+    comforters, claw the air, and trot round in circles, after
+    which they exhibit Dutch-metalled walking-sticks to one another
+    with sombre pride. Furies trip measures and strike attitudes in
+    pink tights and draperies of un&aelig;sthetic hues, when not
+    engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental
+    dances by two <i>premi&egrave;res danseuses.</i> Hades
+    evidently less dull than generally supposed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTION.&mdash;Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap
+    proprietor has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his
+    invention as "<i>Tabula Rasa."</i> This is worth thousands, and
+    takes the cake&mdash;of soap.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>QUIS NOMINABIT?</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Being a few Remarks &agrave; Apropos of a
+    "British Academy of Letters</i>.")</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p>
+
+        <p>I have been reading with some morbid interest a series
+        of contributions to the pages of a contemporary from
+        several more or less distinguished literary men who have
+        apparently been invited to express their opinions,
+        favourable or the reverse, on the recently launched
+        proposition to establish in our midst, after the French
+        model, a "British Academy of Letters." Some ask, "What's
+        the use?" Others want to know who is to elect the elected,
+        and seem much exercised in their minds as to the status and
+        qualifications of those who ought to be chosen for the
+        purpose of discharging this all-important function. As to
+        what would be the use of an institution of the kind, the
+        answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to reply to
+        it. But if it comes to naming a representative body capable
+        of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants who have
+        already, in imagination, seen their claims to the
+        distinction recognised by the elective body to which has
+        been entrusted the duty of weighing their respective
+        merits&mdash;well then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may
+        confidently say that "I am all there!"</p>
+
+        <p>Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of,
+        say, twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the
+        Prince of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some
+        generally widely-known personage, who has the literary
+        confidence of the public, and in this connection, I have no
+        hesitation in supplying it by that of the Compiler of
+        <i>Bradshaw's Railway Guide</i>. Several now should follow,
+        of varied and even conflicting interests, so as to satisfy
+        any over-captious criticism inclined to question the
+        thoroughly cosmopolitan character of the elective body. And
+        so I next add, Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke
+        of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle
+        of the Burlington Arcade.</p>
+
+        <p>It might now be well to give a distinctively literary
+        flavour to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my
+        list with the names of the Poet Laureate and the City
+        Editor of <i>Tit Bits</i>, following them up with the
+        representatives of commercial enterprise, speculative art,
+        and sportive leisure, guaranteed respectively by the names
+        of the Chairman of the Chelsea Steam-boat Company, Mr. R.
+        D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY OP BATTENBERG. For the
+        twelfth, and remaining name, I would suggest that of Mr.
+        HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the Manager of
+        Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir WILFRID LAWSON, General
+        BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or any other striking or
+        notable one that arrests the eye with the familiarity of
+        long acquaintance. With the existing deplorable position of
+        the Pantomime literature of the country, there can be
+        little need to question further the necessity of a British
+        Academy of Letters. The naming of those who are to
+        constitute that institution is another thing; but if an
+        authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this inevitable
+        function, is sought, and the public puts the question,
+        "<i>Quis Nominabit</i>?" I think, Sir, you will admit that
+        I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting to
+        your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the
+        matter at issue, to publish this communication,</p>
+
+        <p class="center"
+           style="margin-top:-1em">I am, Sir, your obedient
+           servant,</p>
+
+        <p class="author">A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>BEFORE AND BEHIND.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>From a Thoughtful Grammarian</i>.)</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SIR,&mdash;In the <i>Times</i>' Court Circular, on
+        Friday last, I read that&mdash;</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p class="note">"Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of
+            singing before Her MAJESTY and the Royal Family."</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p>This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly
+        Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before
+        the QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and
+        Royal Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But
+        suppose "before" does not here relate to time, but to
+        position. It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well
+        worth recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of
+        sinking <i>behind</i> the Royal Family. And then, what a
+        compliment if Her Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had
+        all turned round to listen to him! If I am wrong in my
+        interpretation of the Court Circular's Circular Note,
+        wouldn't it have prevented any possible error to have said,
+        "In the presence of"? I only ask for information, and
+        am</p>
+
+        <p class="center"
+           style="margin-top:-2em">Yours,</p>
+
+        <p class="author"
+           style="margin-top:-2em">FIDELITER.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.&mdash;The "General," who
+    is the biggest BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he
+    had been offered a big tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where?
+    "Anywhere, anywhere out of the world "&mdash;at least, out of
+    our little world of Great Britain &amp; Co. Let not "the
+    General" be too particular, but accept the tract,&mdash;though
+    he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting
+    them,&mdash;and let him and his army, his lads and lasses, go
+    away and leave us to enjoy our Sundays in peace and quiet.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW CITY FIRM (<i>adapted from West End by Our Own
+    Scotchman</i>).&mdash;"SAVORY AND MAYOR."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+       id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238.png"
+             alt="SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY" /></a>
+
+        <h3>SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN
+        SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+       id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239.png"
+             alt="NOSTALGIA" /></a>
+
+        <h3>NOSTALGIA.</h3>
+
+        <p>"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME
+        NORTH. IT'S THE CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I
+        S'POSE!"</p>
+
+        <p>"IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. IT'S THE CHANGE OF
+        BEER!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.</h3>
+
+    <p class="bracket">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Suburban Hall. The
+    Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited, and
+    low-spirited, and may perhaps number&mdash;including the
+    Attendants&mdash;eighteen. The only people in the front seats
+    are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal
+    under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog
+    is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a
+    melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes.
+    Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the
+    middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he
+    suddenly thinks better&mdash;or worse&mdash;of it, puts them on
+    again, and vanishes hurriedly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway</i>). Reg'lar
+    turnin' em away to-night, <i>we</i> are!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Sardonic Attendant</i>. He come up to me afore he
+    goes to the pay-box, and sez he&mdash;"Is there a seat left?"
+    he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I <i>think</i> we can manage
+    to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>The Orchestra, consisting of two
+    thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a
+    stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano</i>. Herr Von
+    KAMBERWOHL, <i>the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud
+    clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent).</i> Lyties and
+    Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin',
+    I 'ave, most hemphadically to repoodiate hall hassistance from
+    hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall
+    'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight
+    of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (<i>He invites any member of the
+    Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain
+    coy.</i>) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to
+    select from as usual, still I 'ope&mdash;&mdash;(<i>Here one of
+    the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the
+    platform.</i> ) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair moch oblige to you,
+    Sare. (<i>The Confederate grins sheepishly.</i>) Led me
+    see&mdash;I seem to remember your face some'ow. (<i>Broader
+    grin from Confederate.</i>) Hah, you vos 'ere last
+    night?&mdash;zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me
+    befoor, eh? (<i>Reckless shake of the head from
+    Confederate.</i>) I thought nod. <i>Vair</i> veil. You 'ave
+    nevaire done any dricks mit carts&mdash;no? Bot you vill dry?
+    You nevaire dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow
+    said ven she learn ze halphabet. (<i>He pauses for a
+    laugh&mdash;which doesn't come.</i>) Now, Sare, you know a cart
+    ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask
+    you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (<i>The
+    Confederate fumbles.</i>) I don't vish to 'urry you&mdash;but I
+    vant you to mike 'aste&mdash;&amp;c, &amp;c.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Man in Evening Dress</i>. I remember giving BIMBO,
+    the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that
+    trick&mdash;there was nothing in it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. And can you <i>do</i>
+    it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (guardedly</i>). Well, I don't know that I
+    could exactly do it <i>now</i>&mdash;but I know how it's
+    done.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>He explains elaborately how it is
+    done</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may
+    leave off).</i> Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion
+    of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And
+    I shall be moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me
+    viz 'is 'at for ze burpose of my exberiment.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Here's mine&mdash;it's quite at your
+    service. [<i>To his companions.</i> ] This is a stale old
+    trick, he merely&mdash;(<i>explains as before.</i> ) But you
+    wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K. (to the</i> M. in E.D). You are gvide sure,
+    Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours</i>). On
+    the contrary, there are several little things there belonging
+    to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K. (diving into the hat</i>). So? Vat 'ave we
+    'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs?
+    Anozzer&mdash;<i>and</i> anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry
+    flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Invariably&mdash;to keep my head cool;
+    so hand them over, please; I want them.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>His Companions titter, and declare "it
+    really is</i> too <i>bad of him!"</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K.</i>. Bresently, Sare,&mdash;zere is somtings
+    ailse, it feels loike&mdash;yes, it ees&mdash;a mahouse-drap.
+    Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none
+    'ere in ze 'at!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation</i>.) I
+    never said there were.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K</i>. No, zere is no
+    mahouse&mdash;bot&mdash;[<i>diving again</i>]&mdash;ha! a
+    leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide
+    rad&mdash;and one, two, dree <i>more</i> vide rads! You vind
+    zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to
+    com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze vide rads myself, it is
+    madder of daste. [<i>The Audience snigger.</i> ] Oh, but
+    vait&mdash;zis is a <i>most</i> gonvenient
+    'at&mdash;[<i>extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete
+    set of baby-linen</i>]&mdash;ze shentelman is vairy domestic, I
+    see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, he knows how
+    von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I
+    vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for
+    'im.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>He showers cards, commending somebody's
+    self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person
+    receiving about two dozen&mdash;chiefly in the eye&mdash;until
+    the air is dark, and the floor thick with them.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (much annoyed</i>). Infernal liberty!
+    Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had <i>my</i> hat if I 'd
+    known he was going to play the fool with it like this!</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. But I thought you knew
+    what was coming?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. So I did&mdash;but this fellow does it
+    differently.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[Herr VON K. <i>is preparing to fire a
+    marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal
+    casket</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Lady with Nerves (to her husband</i>). JOHN, I'm
+    <i>sure</i> he's going to let that thing off!</p>
+
+    <p><i>John (a Brute</i>). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he
+    is. <i>I</i> can't help it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. with N</i>. You could if you liked&mdash;you could
+    tell him my nerves won't stand it&mdash;the trick will be every
+    <i>bit</i> as good if he only <i>pretends</i> to fire, I'm
+    sure.</p>
+
+    <p><i>John</i>. Oh, nonsense!&mdash;you can stand it very well
+    if you <i>like</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I <i>can't</i>, John.... There, he's
+    raising it to his shoulder. JOHN, I <i>must</i> go out. I shall
+    scream if I sit here, I <i>know</i> I shall!</p>
+
+    <p><i>John</i>. No, no&mdash;what's the use? He'll have fired
+    long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you
+    are, and do your screaming sitting down. (<i>The Conjuror
+    fires.</i>) There, you see, you <i>didn't</i> scream, after
+    all!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I screamed to <i>myself</i>&mdash;which
+    is ever so much worse for me; but you never <i>will</i>
+    understand me till it's too late!</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[Herr VON K. <i>performs another
+    trick.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. That was very clever,
+    wasn't it? I can't <i>imagine</i> how it was done!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat
+    is still rankling</i>). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the
+    world&mdash;any child could do it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Lady</i>. What, find the rabbit inside those
+    boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. You don't mean to say you were taken
+    in by <i>that</i>? Why, it was another rabbit, of
+    course!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+       id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady</i>. But even if it <i>was</i> another rabbit,
+    it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if
+    all the boxes have false bottoms.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second L</i>. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us
+    to examine.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Boxes&mdash;but not <i>those</i>
+    boxes.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First L</i>. But how could he slip the watch in when
+    somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Ah, <i>I</i> saw how it was
+    done&mdash;but it would take too long to explain it now. I
+    <i>have</i> seen it so well performed that you <i>couldn't</i>
+    spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather
+    disturbing</i>). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von
+    among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all
+    my leedle dricks is done. Now&mdash;<i>suddenly abandoning his
+    accent</i>&mdash;I am always griteful for hanythink that will
+    distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on
+    upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from
+    follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this
+    gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little
+    louder than what he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled
+    to 'ear hevery word of his hexplanation more puffickly than
+    what some of you in the back benches have done 'itherto. Now,
+    Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinterestin' remarks in
+    a more haudible tone, I can go on between like.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We
+    don't want to hear him!" from various places</i>; The Man in
+    Evening Dress <i>subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which
+    continues during the remainder of the performance</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240.png"
+             alt='"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"' /></a>
+
+        <h3>"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"</h3>
+
+        <p>"OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON! I DID HOT SEE YOU SIR!"</p>
+
+        <p>"SEE ME! CONFOUND IT, SIR, YOU CAN SEE <i>THROUGH</i> ME
+        NOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">JOURNALISTIC.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Inspector &mdash;&mdash; gives you the impression of a
+    particularly able and open-minded Police-officer;" i.e.</i>,
+    "An easy prey to the interviewing correspondent."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly
+    shrewd and able young Solicitor would be</i> very
+    <i>communicative about his client's case;" i.e.</i>, "Knew
+    precious little himself, and didn't even offer me a drink."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.&mdash;The great Berlin
+    Bacteriologist.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.</h3>
+
+    <p>They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum
+    differculty in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst
+    week, for to go with a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most
+    himportent hexcurshun to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the
+    trees down, so that then it woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not
+    no longer! Howewer, by promisin for to stick to the "Grand" all
+    thro' the cumming Winter, the too Gentelmanly Managers let me
+    go.</p>
+
+    <p>The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of
+    staggerers, was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand
+    Royal Saloon all to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but
+    my estonishment ceased when I saw that they was Chairmaned by
+    the same "King of good fellers" as took 'em all to Ship Lake on
+    a prewious ocasion. They didn't have not no refreshments all
+    the way to Slough, so they was naterally all pretty well harf
+    starved by the time they got there, but there they found a
+    lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted Natur,
+    and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only arf
+    parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, a
+    rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the
+    Party, declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the
+    Sunshine which was shining most brillient outside the room, and
+    acordingly off he set a warking up and down in it for three
+    quorters of a hour, without not no wittels nor no drink! till
+    "the King of all good fellers" coodn't stand it not no longer,
+    and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and a bottel of
+    Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one
+    glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner,
+    which I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it
+    arterwards, the cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but
+    I thinks I can wenture to say as that not one drop of it was
+    wasted, and werry good it was too.</p>
+
+    <p>We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of
+    one of the Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up
+    hinside. Sumhows or other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel
+    Lunch or not, I don't kno, we lost our way, and found ourselves
+    at larst, not where we all wanted to be, but at a most
+    bewtifool House of call, where they has the werry sensebel
+    custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff drink,
+    they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally
+    the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether
+    it's a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr.
+    FOURBES, the souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink
+    woodn't injuice 'em to alter the name. Whether that singler
+    custom had anythink to do with it I don't kno, but our party
+    didn't stay there long, and we soon found ourselves at
+    bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.</p>
+
+    <p>In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling
+    of the himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I
+    strolled off to a little willage as I seed in the distance, and
+    which is acshally called Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than
+    Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome of my herly birth! From a
+    rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real Native, I gathered the
+    himportant fack that the one reason why all the great big Beach
+    Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, that
+    OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as
+    to make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their
+    Hed to the Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting
+    hinformashun we can get from the werry humblest of our Feller
+    Creturs when we goes the rite way to git it!</p>
+
+    <p>I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry
+    senserbil reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best
+    munth to see whether Trees was really dead, or was ony
+    shamming, so they determined, like true patriots as they is, to
+    adjourn the matter till the 1st of next April, by which time
+    they woud be able to decide.</p>
+
+    <p>On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke
+    Pogies Church, where some great Poet was buried long long ago,
+    who had wrote a most lovely Poem there, all about what could be
+    seen from the Churchyard of an evening, and one of the party
+    said, that the sperrit of the bewtifool seen and of the luvly
+    Poem was so strong upon him, that, if they woud stand round the
+    Toom, he woud try to recite some of its sweetest lines, and he
+    did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was a driving back,
+    that more than one among them had his eyes filled with plessant
+    tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me to
+    write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not
+    anybody when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was
+    taken for to make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and
+    share in the rapshur as such poems seems to inspire in our
+    betters, it might help to smooth, if not to shorten, the long
+    dreary road as lies between the Hignorant and the
+    Heddicated.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:10em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12517 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/12517-h/images/229.png b/12517-h/images/229.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..560637b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/229.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/230.png b/12517-h/images/230.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d810ef2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/230.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/231.png b/12517-h/images/231.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1160128
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/231.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/232.png b/12517-h/images/232.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c14cfd5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/232.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/233-1.png b/12517-h/images/233-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3785972
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/233-1.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/233-2.png b/12517-h/images/233-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f8ee75e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/233-2.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/234.png b/12517-h/images/234.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f3f390
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/234.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/235.png b/12517-h/images/235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..73b84fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/235.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/237.png b/12517-h/images/237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0538fc3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/237.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/238.png b/12517-h/images/238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3c86b7b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/238.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/239.png b/12517-h/images/239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..088b1f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/239.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/240.png b/12517-h/images/240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..71f4889
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/240.png
diff --git a/12517-h/images/pointer.png b/12517-h/images/pointer.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6309484
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12517-h/images/pointer.png
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ee90425
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #12517 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12517)
diff --git a/old/12517-8.txt b/old/12517-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..119ac1e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1776 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+NOVEMBER 15, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.
+
+(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald
+Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._
+
+    [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We
+    have referred to it as we went along, and found everything
+    quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish
+    the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our
+    readers. The story itself was written in a very clear,
+    legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia
+    Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling
+    cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for
+    returned empties."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty
+is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special
+reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this
+particular pig-sty.
+
+The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she
+grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to
+show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness
+of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had
+begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that
+her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah,
+that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in
+the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I
+droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life
+is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter
+is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and
+the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the
+commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the
+question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the
+class, all of you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitués_ I scarcely
+need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if
+you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a
+stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I
+went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was
+sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that
+he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows
+with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called
+"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single
+word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without
+difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was
+resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival
+humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was
+not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch
+weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we
+watched the preparations for the impending conflict.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow
+with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA.
+
+"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"
+
+HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered.
+
+"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist.
+I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the
+world, am thinkin."
+
+This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of
+his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me
+feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest
+hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to
+come to an end? PETE took up the talking.
+
+"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S
+snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts
+out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can
+match wi' TAMMAS."
+
+He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for
+coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said
+nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger
+spoke.
+
+"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some
+experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to
+do a large business."
+
+He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen
+glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course
+for a sarcasm.
+
+"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin'
+to be a humorist."
+
+This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes
+on the stranger.
+
+"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I
+make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights.
+Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a
+house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost
+in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my
+wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on,
+holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent.
+Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes
+happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he
+produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have
+a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of
+the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some
+particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my
+bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides,"
+adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing
+when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this
+banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and
+children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you
+don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it
+never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to
+set against that, my friend?"
+
+We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and
+he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his
+ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then
+TAMMAS began--
+
+"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's
+mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk,
+and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter.
+When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on
+other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's
+lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo
+then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'"
+
+We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from
+the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a
+senseless mass.
+
+"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur
+ye are! What pit that in your heed?"
+
+"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle;
+"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the
+humour o' it comes in."
+
+"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the
+whole, I agree with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will
+probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.]
+
+_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG
+ENOUGH!"
+
+_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"]
+
+    ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the
+    usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below
+    the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure
+    as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News,
+    on the City & South London Electric Company_.]
+
+"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:--
+
+  Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am!
+    No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt!
+  You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am;
+    I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert.
+  Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous,
+    'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint;
+  You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows,
+    And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint!
+  Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am;
+    I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long;
+  He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am!
+    High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong.
+  Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling,
+    As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star?
+  Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling!
+    So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR.
+
+  He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,
+    And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat.
+  As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur;
+    Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that!
+  You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty,
+    So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark.
+  He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty
+    To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark.
+  A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,
+    My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_;
+  If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.
+    At least I lend light to love-making below.
+
+  He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;
+    _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me!
+  He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.
+    _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.
+    Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall!
+  I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid,
+    As clean as a palace, not black as a pall.
+  Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction
+    Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game.
+  You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love,
+    And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame.
+
+  [_Carries her off in triumph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.
+
+Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King,
+MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in
+Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King
+Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say,
+history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE
+THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman
+of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one
+was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the
+difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens
+them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a
+pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may
+not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful
+and comforting."
+
+Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days
+of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time,
+and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help
+using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to
+the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows
+us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a
+wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by
+BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works
+that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for
+anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically,
+
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).
+
+    ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe
+    five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic
+    wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with
+    rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being
+    fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are
+    snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods
+    deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring
+    the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of
+    the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short
+    shrift."--_Daily News._]
+
+  Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore
+    As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to
+  Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore
+    The things people do, that they really ought not to!
+  With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"
+    When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,--
+  But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head,
+    Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle.
+
+  With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake
+    The bed of the river, and gallantly wading,
+  Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make
+    Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading.
+  You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look!
+    (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon)
+  With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,
+    The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon!
+
+  As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire
+    To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding;
+  And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire
+    To give the advice they so sadly seem needing.
+  Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan,
+    How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle;
+  And may they in future all see if they can,
+    By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN OUR GARDEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at
+all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This
+portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early
+in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy
+lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting
+after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open
+window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong.
+
+Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have
+no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as
+PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD.
+SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular
+deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not
+seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century.
+SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third
+son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a
+father at thirty-five.
+
+"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped
+the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness
+of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of
+ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want
+in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not
+ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD."
+
+WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of
+another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it
+was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week.
+As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put
+forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round
+than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is
+when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well
+(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change
+for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it.
+Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season,
+or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the
+discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always
+on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or
+the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard
+Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is
+not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree,
+fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes
+ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the
+gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in
+softer glance.
+
+"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring
+afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever
+seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty
+reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings.
+About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the
+onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down
+into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion."
+
+"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too
+down-hearted to speak.
+
+"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of
+interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot,
+wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the
+plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and
+there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them,
+it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the
+trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion,
+who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was
+you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a
+interfering with Nater."
+
+But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run
+this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to
+sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of
+which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained,
+to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a
+sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for
+a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long
+deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that
+rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion.
+"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall.
+Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of
+moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag,
+we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the
+task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy
+rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on
+the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either
+ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by
+the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed
+and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking
+exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last
+chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or
+rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora
+Schleideniana._
+
+"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands
+gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't
+look for much crop in that particular year."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+_A Hand-book to Honesty._
+
+NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)
+
+SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._
+
+I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard
+that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But
+this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of
+considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to
+one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has
+clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest
+money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand
+of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at
+a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph
+Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would
+hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at
+his own address_, as he suggests.
+
+[_Does so, hopefully_.
+
+
+SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious
+Person, _hurriedly_.
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place
+sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish
+about _this_, anyhow.
+
+[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters
+another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his
+watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but
+genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go,
+but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._--
+
+Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an
+appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP?
+
+_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL?
+
+_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr.
+SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was
+eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I
+was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter
+grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.)
+But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on
+second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across
+to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with
+a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS
+sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it.
+
+[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his
+companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an
+early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A
+couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a
+couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no,
+merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything
+is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_
+that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is
+assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the
+"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him,
+_hopeful, and admiring_.
+
+_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite
+a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get
+misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to
+ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet.
+
+[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by
+smart and austere-looking Domestic._
+
+_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more
+with him. Won't detain him a moment.
+
+_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't
+know any sech persing.
+
+_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour
+ago. Hasn't he returned?
+
+_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives
+here at all.
+
+_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white
+waistcoat!
+
+_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about
+suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But
+I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_.
+
+_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him!
+_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the
+door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable
+address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is
+gone! So are my two guineas!
+
+[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN OF SCIENCE.
+
+    [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article
+    in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to
+    it.]
+
+PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:--
+
+  I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance,
+    And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say:
+  Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL,
+    And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day.
+  I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude,
+    And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind:
+  I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,
+    And every other 'ology that anyone can find.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf,
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+  I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection
+    For a curious collection from both animals and man:
+  I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll
+    Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can.
+  I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical,
+    I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own:
+  They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus:
+    Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf;
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the
+North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron.
+Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies
+generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes,
+with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes,
+which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking,
+quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein
+he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader
+behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He
+comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon
+men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or
+proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes
+the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most
+companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN
+to be seen through.
+
+In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has
+hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely
+to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title
+series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg
+pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy
+Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year
+the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will
+be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why
+should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in
+'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow
+Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth
+edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible
+stages of the combination and permutation of colour.
+
+_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one
+of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as
+before.
+
+"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the
+Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial
+history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the
+Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders,
+_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN
+PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny
+play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS.
+
+BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their
+indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With
+Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous
+adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico.
+Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with
+the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through
+many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough
+Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The
+Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will
+please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.
+
+Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally
+by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now
+concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses
+a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all
+valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the
+highest praise.
+
+MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to
+his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the
+Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with
+brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The
+initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar
+throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the
+still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything,
+knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more
+of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most
+public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or
+art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift
+of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in
+a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who
+will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just
+enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its
+topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume,
+which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of
+work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for
+a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than
+journalism. They will take their place in Literature.
+
+November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent.
+Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S
+introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves
+up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know."
+
+My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The
+Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and
+published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia,
+rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who
+have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before
+the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.
+
+I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The
+Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These
+Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot
+apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of
+_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful,
+or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week,
+says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."
+
+(_An Intercepted Letter_.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we
+_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House,
+has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the
+door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he
+did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought
+with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it,"
+as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_
+comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women
+were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable"
+(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the
+women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully
+intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help
+laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this
+was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were
+over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr.
+WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press!
+He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I
+to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for
+we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the
+Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was
+_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_
+people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close,
+and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather
+pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor
+the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to
+her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply
+capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was
+really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside!
+But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_
+time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come
+to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that
+be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes
+to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at
+all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very,
+_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_
+affectionate friend,
+
+LUCRETIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical
+column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in
+London!) inserted this notice:--
+
+    "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club,
+    Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."
+
+Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read
+his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY
+DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not
+"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease
+at his Club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of
+Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.
+
+"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"
+
+"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE
+SAWBATH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;
+
+_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_.
+
+    ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for
+    its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and,
+    among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in
+    default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young
+    LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of
+    his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the
+    adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by
+    Surtees._]
+
+  Old stories tell how Hercules
+    At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"
+  And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)
+    The Durham men still brag on.
+  How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm
+  Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!);
+  And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all,"
+    He slew the Dragon of Wantley.
+
+  Our Dragon here is a bigger beast
+    Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;
+  On poor men's bodies he doth feast,
+    And ill-got gold long hoarded.
+  He hath iron claws, and from his jaws
+    Foul fumings are emitted.
+  The folks, his prey, who cross his way,
+    Are sorely to be pitied.
+
+  Have you not heard how the Trojan horse
+    Held seventy men inside him?
+  _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force
+    That none may rein or ride him.
+  Men hour by hour he doth devour,
+    And would they with him grapple,
+  At one big sup he'll gobble them up,
+    As schoolboys munch an apple.
+
+  All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;
+    But his favourite food's poor people,
+  But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,
+    From cottage to church steeple.
+  Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,
+    Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir,
+  And many a lair of dim despair
+    The Worm hath made its own, Sir.
+
+  In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm
+    Hath made a loathly den,
+  And there hath fed for a weary term
+    On the bodies and souls of men.
+  There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,
+    Whilst in its coils close prest
+  Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power,"
+    And "Vested Interest."
+
+  Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?
+    Lo! a champion appears.
+  He seems but small, and he looks not old--
+    A youth of scarce three years.
+  But "he hath put on his coat of mail,
+    Thick set with razors all,"
+  And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,
+    On that Dragon's crest to fall.
+
+  And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,
+    He to the fight advances.
+  Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,
+    With caution in his glances.
+  If he make shift that sword to lift,
+    And smite that Dragon dead,
+  No hero young song yet hath sung
+    A fouler pest hath sped.
+
+  Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!
+    That two-edged blade is big, Sir!
+  That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be
+    "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,
+  (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,
+    In his quaint and curious story.)
+  If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise,
+    And legendary glory.
+
+  When London's streets are haunts of health
+    (Ah! happy if distant, when)
+  And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth
+    Feeds not on the filthy den;
+  The men to this champion's memory
+    Shall lift the brimming flagon,
+  And drink with glee to young County C,
+    Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had
+gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling
+TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to
+now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is
+to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs.
+TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy,
+entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M.
+STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must
+have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a
+column to STANLEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be
+the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are
+to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.
+
+_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the
+Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT
+THE LAST FENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the
+Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an
+orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids,
+with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass
+band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the
+house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or
+ordinary.
+
+_Thursday.--Orféo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA
+RAVOGLI in GLÜCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for
+many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted
+house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to
+an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double
+recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che
+farò_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable.
+Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for
+a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks,
+with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air,
+and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled
+walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures
+and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues,
+when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental
+dances by two _premières danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than
+generally supposed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor
+has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula
+Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIS NOMINABIT?
+
+(_Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.")
+
+    MR. PUNCH, SIR,
+
+    I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of
+    contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more
+    or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been
+    invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse,
+    on the recently launched proposition to establish in our
+    midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters."
+    Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to
+    elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds
+    as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to
+    be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important
+    function. As to what would be the use of an institution of
+    the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to
+    reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body
+    capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants
+    who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the
+    distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been
+    entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well
+    then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that
+    "I am all there!"
+
+    Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say,
+    twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince
+    of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally
+    widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of
+    the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in
+    supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway
+    Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even
+    conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious
+    criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan
+    character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff
+    AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor
+    of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade.
+
+    It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour
+    to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the
+    names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_,
+    following them up with the representatives of commercial
+    enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed
+    respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea
+    Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY
+    OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I
+    would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of
+    CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir
+    WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or
+    any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with
+    the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing
+    deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the
+    country, there can be little need to question further the
+    necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those
+    who are to constitute that institution is another thing;
+    but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this
+    inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the
+    question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit
+    that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting
+    to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the
+    matter at issue, to publish this communication,
+
+    I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+    A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEFORE AND BEHIND.
+
+(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.)
+
+    SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read
+    that--
+
+    "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her
+    MAJESTY and the Royal Family."
+
+    This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly
+    Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the
+    QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal
+    Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose
+    "before" does not here relate to time, but to position.
+    It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth
+    recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking
+    _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her
+    Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to
+    listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the
+    Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any
+    possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask
+    for information, and am
+
+    Yours,
+
+    FIDELITER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest
+BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big
+tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of
+the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co.
+Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though
+he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let
+him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy
+our Sundays in peace and quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY
+AND MAYOR."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN
+SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSTALGIA.
+
+"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE
+CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR.
+IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.
+
+
+SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun.
+The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps
+number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the
+front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to
+conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog
+is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy
+dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending
+Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty
+row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or
+worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._
+
+_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away
+to-night, _we_ are!
+
+_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the
+pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to
+'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like
+that, I sez.
+
+    [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls,
+    with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a
+    cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on
+    platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates
+    in a back row._
+
+_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I
+co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to
+repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins
+vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform
+by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member
+of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain
+coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select
+from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates
+slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am
+vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._)
+Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from
+Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you
+'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from
+Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any
+dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan
+do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He
+pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart
+ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to
+choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._)
+I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c.
+
+_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the
+West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it.
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly
+do it _now_--but I know how it's done.
+
+[_He explains elaborately how it is done_.
+
+_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may
+leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze
+inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be
+moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for
+ze burpose of my exberiment.
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his
+companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as
+before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!
+
+_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf
+nossing insoide of your 'at?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary,
+there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll
+thank you to give me back by-and-by.
+
+_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of
+flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do
+you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over,
+please; I want them.
+
+[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_
+
+_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels
+loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice,
+Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there
+were.
+
+_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a
+leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two,
+dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool,
+Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze
+vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _]
+Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large
+feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is
+vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman,
+he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me,
+so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
+
+[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers
+amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly
+in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._
+
+_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded
+impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to
+play the fool with it like this!
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently.
+
+[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a
+blunderbuss into a crystal casket_.
+
+_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to
+let that thing off!
+
+_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't
+help it.
+
+_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves
+won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only
+_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure.
+
+_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_.
+
+_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his
+shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I
+_know_ I shall!
+
+_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get
+to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming
+sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_
+scream, after all!
+
+_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for
+me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late!
+
+[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't
+_imagine_ how it was done!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still
+rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child
+could do it!
+
+_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they
+were all corded up, and sealed!
+
+_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_?
+Why, it was another rabbit, of course!
+
+_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the
+borrowed watch round its neck.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes
+have false bottoms.
+
+_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes.
+
+_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was
+holding it all the time in a paper bag?
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too
+long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you
+_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!
+
+_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties
+and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like
+myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly
+abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will
+distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the
+Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions
+too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin'
+dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as
+been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his
+hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches
+have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very
+hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between
+like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!"
+from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a
+crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the
+performance_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and
+open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing
+correspondent."
+
+"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and
+able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's
+case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me
+a drink."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.
+
+They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty
+in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with
+a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun
+to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it
+woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin
+for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too
+Gentelmanly Managers let me go.
+
+The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers,
+was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all
+to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased
+when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers"
+as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have
+not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all
+pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they
+found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted
+Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only
+arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party,
+a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party,
+declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was
+shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a
+warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not
+no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't
+stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and
+a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one
+glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which
+I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the
+cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture
+to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was
+too.
+
+We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the
+Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or
+other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno,
+we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted
+to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the
+werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff
+drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally
+the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's
+a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the
+souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to
+alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it
+I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found
+ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.
+
+In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the
+himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a
+little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called
+Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome
+of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real
+Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the
+great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was,
+that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to
+make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the
+Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we
+can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the
+rite way to git it!
+
+I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil
+reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether
+Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like
+true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next
+April, by which time they woud be able to decide.
+
+On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church,
+where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most
+lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard
+of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the
+bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that,
+if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its
+sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was
+a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with
+plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me
+to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody
+when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to
+make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as
+such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth,
+if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant
+and the Heddicated.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12517-8.txt or 12517-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL
+
+
diff --git a/old/12517-8.zip b/old/12517-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d8536fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-8.zip
diff --git a/old/12517-h.zip b/old/12517-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0850000
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h.zip
diff --git a/old/12517-h/12517-h.htm b/old/12517-h/12517-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e5b46c9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/12517-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2410 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch, November 15, 1890.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body {
+    margin-left: 10%;
+    margin-right: 10%;
+    }
+    p {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    blockquote {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    pre {
+    font-size : 0.7em;
+    }
+    hr {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    html > body hr {
+    margin-right : 25%;
+    margin-left : 25%;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    hr.full {
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.full {
+    margin-right : 0%;
+    margin-left : 0%;
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    hr.short {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.short {
+    margin-right : 40%;
+    margin-left : 40%;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    .author {
+    text-align : right;
+    margin-right : 5%;
+    margin-top : 0em;
+    }
+    .bracket {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    text-indent : -2em;
+    }
+    .center {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    .note {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    font-size : 0.9em;
+    }
+    span.pagenum {
+    position : absolute;
+    left : 1%;
+    right : 91%;
+    font-size : 8pt;
+    }
+    .poem {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    margin-bottom : 1em;
+    text-align : left;
+    }
+    .poem .stanza {
+    margin : 1em 0;
+    }
+    .poem p {
+    margin : 0;
+    padding-left : 3em;
+    text-indent : -3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i2 {
+    margin-left : 1em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i4 {
+    margin-left : 2em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i6 {
+    margin-left : 3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i8 {
+    margin-left : 4em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i10 {
+    margin-left : 5em;
+    }
+    .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft {
+    padding : 1em;
+    margin : 0;
+    text-align : center;
+    font-size : 0.8em;
+    }
+    .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img {
+    border : none;
+    }
+    .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p {
+    margin : 0;
+    text-indent : 1em;
+    }
+    .figcenter {
+    margin : auto;
+    }
+    .figright {
+    float : right;
+    }
+    .figleft {
+    float : left;
+    }
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>NOVEMBER 15, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229"
+       id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. VI.&mdash;THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.</h3>
+
+    <p class="bracket">(<i>By</i> J. MUIR KIRRIE, <i>Author of "A
+    Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees
+    Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">[With this story came a glossary of Scotch
+        expressions. We have referred to it as we went along, and
+        found everything quite intelligible. As, however, we have
+        no room to publish the glossary, we can only appeal to the
+        indulgence of our readers. The story itself was written in
+        a very clear, legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper
+        labelled, "Arcadia Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined.
+        Sold in Six-shilling cases. Special terms for Southrons.
+        Liberal allowance for returned empties."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+
+    <p>We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A
+    pig-sty is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there
+    were special reasons, of which you shall hear something later,
+    for sitting on this particular pig-sty.</p>
+
+    <p>The old sow was within, extended at full length.
+    Occasionally she grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond
+    that, she seemed to show but a faint interest in the
+    proceedings. She had been a witness of similar gatherings for
+    some years, and, to tell the truth, they had begun to bore her,
+    but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that her
+    appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae.
+    Ah, that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat
+    in the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree
+    I-dree I droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know
+    what I mean? Life is like that. When we are children the bread
+    is thick, and the butter is thin; as we grow to be lads and
+    lassies, the bread dwindles, and the butter increases; but the
+    old men and women who totter about the commonty, how shall they
+    munch when their teeth are gone? That's the question. I'm a
+    Dominie. What!&mdash;no answer? Go to the bottom of the class,
+    all of you.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/229.png"
+             alt="Sitting on the pig-sty" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+
+    <p>As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the
+    <i>habitu&eacute;s</i> I scarcely need to speak to you, since
+    you must know their names, even if you fail to pronounce them.
+    But there was a stranger amongst us, a stranger who, it was
+    said, had come from London. Yesterday when I went ben the house
+    I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was sitting with
+    us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that he
+    wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his
+    pillows with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at
+    what he called "such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't
+    believe a single word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our
+    humorist. It was not without difficulty that TAMMAS had
+    attained to this position, and he was resolved to keep it.
+    Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival humorist whom he
+    would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was not marked
+    with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch
+    weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us,
+    as we watched the preparations for the impending conflict.</p>
+
+    <h3>CHAPTER III.</h3>
+
+    <p>After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the
+    old sow with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed
+    HENDRY MCQUMPHA.</p>
+
+    <p>"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"</p>
+
+    <p>HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he
+    answered.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a
+    humorist. I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other
+    humorists in the world, am thinkin."</p>
+
+    <p>This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was
+    usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward
+    silence which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor
+    Dominie, but some of my happiest hours had been passed on the
+    pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end? PETE took
+    up the talking.</p>
+
+    <p>"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of
+    TAMMAS'S snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a
+    thing 'at spouts out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae
+    spouter in Thrums 'at can match wi' TAMMAS."</p>
+
+    <p>He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching
+    for coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD
+    said nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the
+    stranger spoke.</p>
+
+    <p>"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to
+    some experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and
+    generally manage to do a large business."</p>
+
+    <p>He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of
+    his keen glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to
+    clear the course for a sarcasm.</p>
+
+    <p>"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's
+    meanin' to be a humorist."</p>
+
+    <p>This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed
+    our eyes on the stranger.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I
+    trust I make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at
+    catch-weights. Now here, he continued," are some of my samples.
+    This story about a house-boat, for instance, has been much
+    appreciated. It's almost in the style of Mr. JEROME'S
+    masterpiece; or this screamer about my wife's tobacco-pipe and
+    the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, holding the sample
+    near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. Puff, puff!
+    Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes happen
+    to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he
+    produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we
+    have a packet of sarcasm&mdash;equal to dynamite. I left it on
+    the steps of the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then
+    here are some particularly neat things in cheques. I use them
+    myself to paper my bedroom. It's simpler and easier than
+    cashing them, and besides," adjusting his mouth to his sleeve,
+    and laughing, "it's quite killing when you come to think of it
+    in that way. Lastly, there's this banking-account sample,
+    thoroughly suitable for journalists and children. You see how
+    it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you don't want a
+    drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it never
+    varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to
+    set against that, my friend?"</p>
+
+    <p>We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him,
+    and he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had
+    returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would
+    be crushed. Then TAMMAS began&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an'
+    there's mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're
+    no Thrums fowk, and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist
+    settle this matter. When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o'
+    humour, we're a' dependent on other fowk to tak' note o' the
+    humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's lauched at anything you've
+    telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo then," he roared out, "'A
+    pie sat on a pear-tree.'"</p>
+
+    <p>We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went
+    up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into
+    the sty a senseless mass.</p>
+
+    <p>"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what
+    a crittur ye are! What pit that in your heed?"</p>
+
+    <p>"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving
+    a muscle; "it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song.
+    That's where the humour o' it comes in."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale
+    humour." On the whole, I agree with him.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTIVE.&mdash;<i>My Musical Experiences</i>, by BETTINA
+    WALKER, will probably be followed by <i>My Eye</i>, by BETTINA
+    MARTIN.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230"
+       id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h3>THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD
+        FLAME.</h3><a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/230.png"
+             alt="THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Young Spark</i>. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY
+        OLD FOGEY LONG ENOUGH!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Old Flame (aside)</i>. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["It is obvious that small tunnels for
+        single lines, of the usual standard gauge, may be
+        constructed some distance below the ground, and yet the
+        atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure as upon a railway on
+        the surface."&mdash;<i>Illustrated London News, on the City
+        &amp; South London Electric Company</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center">"<i>Young Spark</i>"
+    <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your arm, my dear Madam! <i>This</i> way, down the
+            lift, Ma'am!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No danger at all, no discomfort, no
+            dirt!</p>
+
+            <p>You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my
+            gift, Ma'am;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll prove like a shot what I boldly
+            assert.</p>
+
+            <p>Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly
+            jealous,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of
+            joint;</p>
+
+            <p>You just let him bluster and blow like old
+            bellows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And try <i>me</i> instead&mdash;<i>I</i>
+            will not disappoint!</p>
+
+            <p>Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame,"
+            Ma'am;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him
+            so long;</p>
+
+            <p>He has choked you for years&mdash;'tis a thundering
+            shame, Ma'am!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">High time the Young Spark put a term to
+            his wrong.</p>
+
+            <p>Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and
+            sparkling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As clean as a pin, and as bright as a
+            star?</p>
+
+            <p>Compare me with him, who stands scowling and
+            darkling!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So gazed the old gallant on Young
+            LOCHINVAR.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And pokey, and chokey, and black as my
+            hat.</p>
+
+            <p>As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of
+            sulphur;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at
+            that!</p>
+
+            <p>You <i>cannot</i> see beauty in one who's so
+            sooty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and
+            dark.</p>
+
+            <p>He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the
+            Young Spark.</p>
+
+            <p>A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My dear Lady LONDON, is not <i>comme il
+            faut</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At least I lend light to love-making
+            below.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231"
+               id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>You</i>'ll follow Apollo the
+            Younger&mdash;that's me!</p>
+
+            <p>He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>His</i> lady-love, LONDON! Bah!
+            Fiddle-de-dee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene
+            hall!</p>
+
+            <p>I think you'll admit it is sparkling and
+            splendid,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As clean as a palace, not black as a
+            pall.</p>
+
+            <p>Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils
+            his small game.</p>
+
+            <p>You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold
+            Love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And let the Young Spark supersede the Old
+            Flame.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Carries her off in triumph.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h3>
+
+    <p>Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was
+    King, MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various
+    studies in Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has
+    a gallery in King Street, which is devoted to studies in Black
+    and White. You may say, history repeats itself. Nothing of the
+    kind. The gentleman of GEORGE THE THIRD'S time devoted himself
+    to the pugilistic art; the gentleman of the time of VICTORIA
+    gives his attention to graphic art. The one was the patron of
+    fists, the other of fingers&mdash;that makes all the
+    difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes&mdash;MENDOZA the
+    Present opens them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery,
+    you will find a pleasant collection of Eye Art&mdash;open to
+    all peepers. It is true it may not be High Art, but you will
+    find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful and comforting."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since
+    the days of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is
+    "quite up to time, and smiling," with his present collection
+    (your Old PAR can't help using the argot of the P.R., and
+    brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to the Haymarket, in "<i>A
+    Bend in the River, near Maple Durham</i>." He shows us the
+    views of BURTON BARBER on "<i>Compulsory Education</i>," also a
+    wondrous picture of the "<i>Gate of the Great Mosque of
+    Damascus</i>," by BAUERNFEIND, "<i>A Venetian Brunette</i>," by
+    FILDES, and many other works that will well repay inspection,
+    but of which there is no space for anything more to be said by
+    yours par-enthetically,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">OLD PAR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["Whoever walks beside the river (the
+        Ettrick), will observe five or six or more men and boys,
+        equipped with gigantic wading-breeches, busy in each pool.
+        They are only armed with rods and flies, and thus have a
+        false appearance of being fair fishers.... The truth is
+        that the apparent sportsmen are snigglers, not anglers.
+        They drive the top part of their rods deep into the water,
+        so as to rake the bottom, and then bring the hook out with
+        a jerk. Every now and then ... one of the persecuted fishes
+        ... is hauled out with short shrift."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        News.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are
+            sore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As we think of the errors and wrongs we
+            have got to</p>
+
+            <p>Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The things people do, that they really
+            ought not to!</p>
+
+            <p>With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When the mention of Love only causes a
+            giggle,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>But we'd manage to live and still hold up our
+            head,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were it not for the villain who ventures
+            to sniggle.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The bed of the river, and gallantly
+            wading,</p>
+
+            <p>Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of genuine sport but a mere
+            masquerading.</p>
+
+            <p>You might think him a fool for his trouble&mdash;but
+            look!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(And it's true, though at first it
+            appears to be gammon)</p>
+
+            <p>With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a
+            salmon!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To hear of sport ruined by such a
+            proceeding;</p>
+
+            <p>And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To give the advice they so sadly seem
+            needing.</p>
+
+            <p>Let them think, as they work their inglorious
+            plan,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and
+            must wriggle;</p>
+
+            <p>And may they in future all see if they can,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By learning to angle, forget how to
+            sniggle!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231.png"
+             alt="IN OUR GARDEN" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had
+    not at all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our
+    onion-bed. This portion of the garden had been disappointing
+    from the first. Early in the Spring, when hope beat high, and
+    the young gardener's fancy lightly turned to thoughts of large
+    crops, SARK and I were resting after a frugal luncheon, when
+    ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open window. I knew from
+    his beaming face that something was wrong.</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head
+    gardener. We have no other, therefore he is the head. Out of
+    the garden he is known as PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who
+    insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. SARK had noticed that
+    about the time of the Flood there was singular deliberation in
+    entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not seem to be
+    thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. SHEM,
+    himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third son,
+    ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and
+    a father at thirty-five.</p>
+
+    <p>"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has
+    escaped the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual
+    forwardness of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear
+    nothing more of ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things
+    move. Now what we want in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow
+    always up to date, if not ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS
+    by calling him ARPACHSHAD."</p>
+
+    <p>WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a
+    matter of another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I
+    demurred, and it was finally compromised on the basis of a rise
+    of a shilling a-week. As far as I have observed, SARK'S device,
+    like many others he has put forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS
+    couldn't be slower in going round than is ARPACHSHAD. The only
+    time he ever displays any animation is when he discovers some
+    fresh disaster. When things are going well (which isn't often)
+    he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change for the worse.
+    When the worst comes he positively beams over it. Difficult to
+    say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, or in
+    one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the
+    discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is
+    always on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the
+    Frit-fly, or the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or
+    the Mustard Beetle,&mdash;"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls
+    him. To see, as is not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree,
+    cherry-tree, or damson-tree, fading under the attack of the
+    caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes ARPACHSHAD a new man.
+    His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the gleam of faded
+    youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in softer
+    glance.</p>
+
+    <p>"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring
+    afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done
+    for. Ever seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking
+    thing; pretty reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale
+    grey wings. About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the
+    sheath of the onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the
+    larvey burrowing down into the bulb; after which, there's
+    hardly any hope for your honion."</p>
+
+    <p>"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I
+    was too down-hearted to speak.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect
+    of interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag
+    of soot, wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully
+    sprinkle the plant, and let the soot wash in, <i>that</i>
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232"
+       id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> might save a few here and
+       there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe
+       them, it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how
+       it's worth the trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the
+       fly wants the honion, who are we that we should say it nay?
+       I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was you, I'd let things take their
+       swing. It's a terrible thing to go a interfering with
+       Nater."</p>
+
+    <p>But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken
+    to run this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so
+    I got SARK to sweep out the flues of the furnace in the
+    greenhouse, in the course of which he broke several panes of
+    glass, not expecting, so he explained, to find the handle of
+    his brush so near the roof. We half filled a sack with soot,
+    and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for a wet day,
+    usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long deferred.
+    ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that rain
+    was coming&mdash;then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong
+    onion. "We waited just too long, not starting till the rain
+    began to fall. Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the
+    soot under conditions of moisture. But, as SARK said, having
+    put our hands to the soot-bag, we were not going to turn back.
+    Nor did we till we had completed the task, ARPACHSHAD looking
+    on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy rain would wash the
+    soot off before it could have any effect on the fly. On the
+    whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either ARPACHSHAD
+    had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by the
+    fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed and
+    blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking
+    exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in
+    the last chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the
+    heels, or rather the wings, of the <i>Anthomyia Ceparum</i>,
+    fell the <i>Peronospora Schleideniana.</i></p>
+
+    <p>"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his
+    hands gleefully;&mdash;"but, when you get one on the top of
+    t'other, you don't look for much crop in that particular
+    year."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i></p>
+
+    <h3>No. V.&mdash;MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE I.&mdash;<i>Apartment of innocent but
+    temporarily impecunious person.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">I.P. <i>discovered reading advertisements and
+    correspondence.</i></p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232.png"
+             alt="HOW IT'S DONE" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Humph! It <i>sounds</i> all
+    right. I <i>have</i> heard that these Loan-mongers are
+    sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But this one is surely
+    genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of considerate and
+    sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to one. No
+    inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has
+    clients, men of capital, but <i>not</i> speculators, who wish
+    to invest money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just
+    so! Note of hand of any respectable person sufficient.
+    <i>That</i>'s all right. Advance at a few hours' notice.
+    Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W.
+    That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would hardly
+    live <i>there</i>. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment
+    <i>at his own address</i>, as he suggests.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Does so, hopefully</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W.,
+    at</i> 11 A.M. <i>Enter</i> Impecunious Person,
+    <i>hurriedly</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Impecunious Person</i>. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but
+    here's the place sure enough, and that's the number. Fine
+    house, too. Nothing sharkish about <i>this</i>, anyhow.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch.
+    On door-step encounters another person, also apparently in a
+    hurry, and also consulting his watch. This person is perhaps a
+    trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but genially pompous and
+    semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, but stopping
+    suddenly, stares at</i> I.P., <i>and addresses
+    him.</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>Ahem! I&mdash;a&mdash;beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by
+    any chance an appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a
+    Mr. MUGSNAP?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Why&mdash;a&mdash;yes, as a matter of fact, I
+    have.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap</i>. Quite so. And your name is
+    SOFTSHELL?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Well&mdash;yes, as a matter of fact, it is.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily</i>). Ah! that's all right. Well
+    met, Mr. SOFTSHELL! (<i>Produces letter</i>.) This is yours, I
+    fancy. The time was eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes
+    and a quarter behind. I was just off, for if I gave all my
+    clients seven minutes and a quarter grace, I should lose about
+    four hours a day, Sir. (<i>Laughs jovially</i>.) But no matter!
+    Just step this way. (<i>Produces latch-key</i>.) But no, on
+    second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step
+    across to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over
+    together with a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port
+    in London, BUMPUS sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate
+    it.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>They cross to "The Shades," where</i>
+    Mr. MUGSNAP <i>wins upon his companion by his hearty style, and
+    all difficulties in the way of "an early advance" are smoothed
+    away in a highly satisfactory manner. A couple of references,
+    of course, "just as a matter of form," and a couple of guineas
+    for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, merely
+    "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything
+    is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide
+    against</i> that, <i>you knew. Within three days at the
+    outside</i>, Mr. SOFTSHELL <i>is assured, that money will be in
+    his hands without fail. Meanwhile the "couple o' guineas" leave
+    his hands, and</i> Mr. MUGSNAP <i>leaves</i> him, <i>hopeful,
+    and admiring</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P. (strolling homeward</i>). Very pleasant person, Mr.
+    MUGSNAP. Quite a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How
+    worthy people get misrepresented! By the way, though, there's
+    one question I forgot to ask him. I'll just step back. Don't
+    suppose he has gone yet.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions.
+    Knocks, and is answered by smart and austere-looking
+    Domestic.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just
+    <i>one</i> word more with him. Won't detain him a moment.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austere Domestic</i>. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP,
+    pray? Don't know any sech persing.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment,
+    only an hour ago. Hasn't he returned?</p>
+
+    <p><i>A.D. (emphatically</i>). I tell you there ain't no Mr.
+    MUGSNAP lives here at all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P</i>. Oh <i>dear</i>, yes! Stout
+    gentleman&mdash;military appearance&mdash;white waistcoat!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A.S. (scornfully</i>). Oh, <i>him</i>! I saw sech a party
+    'anging about suspiciously awhile ago, and <i>spoke to the
+    perliceman about him</i>. But I don't know him, and he don't
+    live <i>here! [Shuts door sharply</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns
+    upon him!</i> ) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." <i>That's</i>
+    why he met me on the door-step. Of course he doesn't live here
+    at all. Gave a respectable address, and <i>watched for me
+    outside!</i> And the sleek-spoken shark is gone! So are my two
+    guineas!</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Retires a sadder, and a wiser
+    man</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MAN OF SCIENCE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing
+        article in <i>Blackwood,</i> on a new religion, that
+        science is equal to it.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center">PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM <i>sings</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place
+            reliance,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I hurl a stern defiance at what other
+            people say:</p>
+
+            <p>Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL,
+            HUXLEY, TYNDALL,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all preaching is a swindle, that's
+            the motto of to-day.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic
+            attitude,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And everything's a platitude that springs
+            not from my mind:</p>
+
+            <p>I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And every other 'ology that anyone can
+            find.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on
+            the shelf,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and
+            govern it myself.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had
+            affection</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For a curious collection from both
+            animals and man:</p>
+
+            <p>I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little
+            cracked, I'll</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce
+            on anything I can.</p>
+
+            <p>I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry
+            organical,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I
+            must own:</p>
+
+            <p>They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to
+            the Bosphorus:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I
+            been never known.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I am a man of science, with my bottles on
+            the shelf;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'm game to make a little world, and
+            govern it myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."&mdash;Question by the G.O.M. on
+    quitting the North,&mdash;"Stands Scotland where it did?"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+       id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-1.png"
+             alt="MAN READING" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Read <i>The World and the Will</i>, by JAMES PAYN, says the
+    Baron. Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the
+    Colonies generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a
+    line he quotes, with a slight difference of spelling, in his
+    present three volumes, which is full of good things; his own
+    "asides" being, to my thinking, quoth the Baron, by far the
+    most enjoyable part of his books. Herein he resembles
+    THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader behind the
+    scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He comes
+    in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon
+    men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a
+    quirk, or proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you,
+    before he resumes the story, and says, with the older
+    romancers, "But to our tale." Most companionable writer is
+    JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN to be seen
+    through.</p>
+
+    <p>In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW
+    LANG has hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron
+    begs sincerely to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold
+    mine as a book-title series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote,
+    and LANGMAN'S&mdash;no, beg pardon&mdash;LONGMANS published
+    <i>The Blue Fairy Book.</i> The <i>Blue Fairy Book</i>, when it
+    appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year the MERRY
+    ANDREW issues <i>The Red Fairy Book</i>, which, of course, will
+    be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it
+    stop? Why should it stop? Next year there'll be <i>The Green
+    Fairy Book</i>; in '92 the <i>Yellow Fairy Book</i> (commencing
+    with new version of <i>Yellow Dwarf</i>), then the White, then
+    the Black, then the Ver-millionth edition, and so on and so on,
+    <i>ad infinitum</i>, through all the possible stages of the
+    combination and permutation of colour.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Magazine of Art for 1890</i>, published by CASSELL
+    &amp; Co., is one of the best of its kind for pictures and
+    Art-articles, The Mixture as before.</p>
+
+    <p>"Christmas is coming"&mdash;but the Publishers seem to think
+    that the Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we
+    know the proverbial history of to-morrow. However, to humour
+    the up-to-date notion, the Baron recommends to his young
+    friends who wish to amuse their elders, <i>Dolldom</i>, a
+    dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN
+    PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very
+    funny play, children imitating dolls. Published by J.
+    WILLIAMS.</p>
+
+    <p>BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their
+    indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: <i>By Right of Conquest; or,
+    With Cortez in Mexico</i>. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by
+    his marvellous adventures, proves <i>his</i> right to be a hero
+    in the Conquest of Mexico. Of a more modern date is <i>A
+    Chapter of Accidents</i>, which deals with the Bombardment of
+    Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through many
+    chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. <i>A
+    Rough Shaking</i>, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys'
+    book, while <i>The Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,</i>
+    by the same author, will please the Baron's old-fashioned
+    fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.</p>
+
+    <p>Whoever possesses the <i>Henry Irving
+    Shakspeare</i>,&mdash;started originally by my dear old
+    enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now concluded
+    by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,&mdash;possesses
+    a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all
+    valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which
+    is the highest praise.</p>
+
+    <p>MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an <i>Inconnue</i>. They
+    were written to his paper, the <i>Tribune</i>, and have
+    redressed the balance between the Old World and the New by
+    furnishing New York from week to week with brilliant, incisive,
+    and faithful pictures of life in London. The initials,
+    "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar
+    throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S."
+    in the still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees
+    everything, knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn
+    a great deal more of what is going on in London than some of us
+    who live here. Most public men of the present day, whether in
+    politics, literature, or art, have, all unconsciously, sat to
+    "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift of seizing the salient points
+    of a character, and reproducing them in a few pellucid
+    sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who will be
+    delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just
+    enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not
+    its topic. <i>Personalities</i> is the alluring title of the
+    first volume, which contains forty-two studies of character. It
+    is dangerous kind of work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully
+    steered his passage. Written for a newspaper, <i>London
+    Letters</i> (MACMILLAN &amp; CO.) rank higher than journalism.
+    They will take their place in Literature.</p>
+
+    <p>November Number of the <i>English Illustrated Magazine</i>,
+    excellent. Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and
+    Lord SELBORNE'S introduction. The COOKE who presides in this
+    particular kitchen serves up a capital dish every
+    month&mdash;and "quite English, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume
+    called <i>The Decline and Fall of the British Empire</i>,
+    written by "Anonymous," and published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER.
+    The tome deals with Australia, rather than England, and is
+    dated a thousand years hence; so those who have no immediate
+    leisure will have plenty of time to read it before the events
+    therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.</p>
+
+    <p>I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled
+    <i>The Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West
+    Africa</i>. These Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot.
+    Black-sheepish lot apparently, as being in West Africa. Major
+    ELLIS is the author also of <i>The Tshi-speaking People</i>.
+    These last must be either timidly bashful, or else a very T-shi
+    lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, says</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>An Intercepted Letter</i>.)</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-2.png"
+             alt="LUCRETIA WITH OPERA-GLASSES" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>DEAREST BECKY,&mdash;I have had <i>such</i> luck! Oh,
+    <i>so</i> fortunate! Fancy, we <i>did</i> get in, after all!
+    You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, has a friend a
+    barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the door of
+    the Court at eleven, he <i>thought</i> he could slip us in. And
+    he did, my dear&mdash;he did! We got <i>capital</i> places, and
+    as we had brought with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a
+    real good time of it," as your brother calls it! We had our
+    work, too, and so were <i>quite</i> comfortable. The
+    night-charges were <i>such</i> fun! A lot of men and women were
+    brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable"
+    (that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the
+    women was very old&mdash;such a silly frump!&mdash;she was
+    still dreadfully intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, <i>of
+    course</i>, but we couldn't help laughing! She was <i>such</i>
+    a figure before they got rid of her! But this was only the
+    overture to the drama. After the night-charges were over, the
+    Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr.
+    WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the
+    Press! He said that MARY contributed to the <i>Blood and
+    Thunder News</i>, and I to the <i>Murder Gazette</i>! I am sure
+    it must have been in <i>fun</i>, for we have never <i>seen</i>
+    the papers. When lunch was over, in came the Magistrate with
+    <i>a number</i> of the "<i>smartest</i>" people! Really, I was
+    <i>quite delighted</i> to be in such <i>good</i> company. All
+    sorts of <i>nice</i> people. And then&mdash;oh&mdash;it was
+    <i>lovely</i>! We saw <i>her quite</i> close, and could watch
+    the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather pretty! She
+    was wearing her <i>ordinary</i> clothes; not the workhouse, nor
+    the ones <i>with the blood on them</i>, but some that had been
+    sent in to her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses.
+    They are <i>simply capital</i>, darling! We were much amused
+    with <i>his</i> evidence; and it was really <i>excellent</i>
+    fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! But I am not
+    sure <i>he</i> cared for them! We got away in <i>excellent</i>
+    time, and I hope to go again. I am trying <i>very hard</i>
+    (should it come to anything) to be present at the <i>last scene
+    of all!</i> Wouldn't that be <i>lovely</i>? I should have to be
+    at the place, though, at <i>ten minutes to eight o'clock!</i> I
+    don't think I should go to bed that night <i>at all!</i> If I
+    did, I am <i>sure</i> I should not sleep! It would be so very,
+    <i>very</i> interesting! And now, my <i>dearest</i>,
+    good-bye.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Your ever <i>most</i> affectionate friend,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">LUCRETIA.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."&mdash;In its most useful and
+    instructive theatrical column last Sunday's <i>Observer</i>
+    (the only Observer of a Sunday in London!) inserted this
+    notice:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers'
+        Club, Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR
+    JONES read his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very
+    hard on poor HENRY DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a
+    few minutes of peace (not "piece," <i>bien entendu</i>) to
+    himself. Leave him alone to take his ease at his Club.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.&mdash;At a recent
+    meeting of Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but
+    MOST escaped.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+       id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/234.png"
+             alt="A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.</h3>
+
+        <p>"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"</p>
+
+        <p>"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS&mdash;AND TWA OF THEM
+        SNAPPIT UP BY THE SAWBATH!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;</h2>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little
+    Master County Council</i>.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till
+        it was too large for its habitation.... It became the
+        terror of the country, and, among other enormities, levied
+        a daily contribution ... in default of which it would
+        devour both man and beast.... Young LAMBTON was extremely
+        shocked at witnessing the effects of his youthful
+        imprudence, and immediately undertook the
+        adventure."&mdash;<i>Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as
+        related by Surtees.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Old stories tell how Hercules</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"</p>
+
+            <p>And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Durham men still brag on.</p>
+
+            <p>How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm</p>
+
+            <p>Old legends tell (they <i>can't</i> lie!);</p>
+
+            <p>And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at
+            all,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He slew the Dragon of Wantley.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our Dragon here is a bigger beast</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;</p>
+
+            <p>On poor men's bodies he doth feast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And ill-got gold long hoarded.</p>
+
+            <p>He hath iron claws, and from his jaws</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Foul fumings are emitted.</p>
+
+            <p>The folks, his prey, who cross his way,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are sorely to be pitied.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Have you not heard how the Trojan horse</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Held seventy men inside him?</p>
+
+            <p><i>This</i> Dragon's bigger, and of such force</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That none may rein or ride him.</p>
+
+            <p>Men hour by hour he doth devour,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And would they with him grapple,</p>
+
+            <p>At one big sup he'll gobble them up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As schoolboys munch an apple.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But his favourite food's poor people,</p>
+
+            <p>But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From cottage to church steeple.</p>
+
+            <p>Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hath grown, and grown, and grown,
+            Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>And many a lair of dim despair</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Worm hath made its own, Sir.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hath made a loathly den,</p>
+
+            <p>And there hath fed for a weary term</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On the bodies and souls of men.</p>
+
+            <p>There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whilst in its coils close prest</p>
+
+            <p>Are the things it thrives on&mdash;"Landlord
+            Power,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And "Vested Interest."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Lo! a champion appears.</p>
+
+            <p>He seems but small, and he looks not old&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A youth of scarce three years.</p>
+
+            <p>But "he hath put on his coat of mail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thick set with razors all,"</p>
+
+            <p>And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On that Dragon's crest to fall.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He to the fight advances.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With caution in his glances.</p>
+
+            <p>If he make shift that sword to lift,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And smite that Dragon dead,</p>
+
+            <p>No hero young song yet hath sung</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fouler pest hath sped.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That two-edged blade is big, Sir!</p>
+
+            <p>That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>(As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In his quaint and curious story.)</p>
+
+            <p>If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's
+            praise,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And legendary glory.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When London's streets are haunts of health</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Ah! happy if distant, when)</p>
+
+            <p>And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Feeds not on the filthy den;</p>
+
+            <p>The men to this champion's memory</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall lift the brimming flagon,</p>
+
+            <p>And drink with glee to young County C,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.&mdash;Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now
+    wishes he had gone on his exploration journey quite alone,
+    without any travelling TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth
+    mentioning here, that, up to now, the only mention of
+    difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is to be found in a
+    little shilling book recently published by Messrs. TRISCHLER
+    &amp; CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy,
+    entitled, <i>A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa</i>.
+    Whether H.M. STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to
+    be seen. We must have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear
+    Column before we rear a column to STANLEY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the <i>Standard</i>, are
+    in future to be the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not
+    beer, but fish. There are to be "no takers" at present, so the
+    cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+       id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/235.png"
+             alt='THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON&mdash;AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL' />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON&mdash;AND YOUNG COUNTY
+        COUNCIL.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <!-- blank page 236-->
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+       id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237.png"
+             alt="HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1" /></a>
+
+        <h3>HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best
+        thing of the Season</i>). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING
+        BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT THE LAST FENCE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OPERATIC NOTES.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Welcome once more to our old friend,
+    <i>Norma, the Deceived Druidess</i>, who was called
+    <i>Norma</i> for short, she being an orphan, and having "nor
+    par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, with Arch-Druid
+    <i>Oroveso</i> in the chair, might have had a better brass
+    band. <i>Norma</i> nowadays is not particularly attractive, and
+    the house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than
+    normal or ordinary.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday.&mdash;Orf&eacute;o.</i> First appearance of
+    Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA RAVOGLI in GL&Uuml;CK'S beautiful
+    Opera, which has not been seen here for many years,
+    but&mdash;judging from its reception by a full and delighted
+    house&mdash;will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season
+    comes to an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as
+    <i>Orpheus</i>; double recall after three of the four Acts;
+    house insisting on having "<i>Che far&ograve;</i>" all over
+    again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable.
+    Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of
+    Erebus for a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric.
+    Demons lie on rocks, with silver serpents round their necks as
+    comforters, claw the air, and trot round in circles, after
+    which they exhibit Dutch-metalled walking-sticks to one another
+    with sombre pride. Furies trip measures and strike attitudes in
+    pink tights and draperies of un&aelig;sthetic hues, when not
+    engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental
+    dances by two <i>premi&egrave;res danseuses.</i> Hades
+    evidently less dull than generally supposed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTION.&mdash;Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap
+    proprietor has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his
+    invention as "<i>Tabula Rasa."</i> This is worth thousands, and
+    takes the cake&mdash;of soap.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>QUIS NOMINABIT?</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Being a few Remarks &agrave; Apropos of a
+    "British Academy of Letters</i>.")</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p>
+
+        <p>I have been reading with some morbid interest a series
+        of contributions to the pages of a contemporary from
+        several more or less distinguished literary men who have
+        apparently been invited to express their opinions,
+        favourable or the reverse, on the recently launched
+        proposition to establish in our midst, after the French
+        model, a "British Academy of Letters." Some ask, "What's
+        the use?" Others want to know who is to elect the elected,
+        and seem much exercised in their minds as to the status and
+        qualifications of those who ought to be chosen for the
+        purpose of discharging this all-important function. As to
+        what would be the use of an institution of the kind, the
+        answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to reply to
+        it. But if it comes to naming a representative body capable
+        of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants who have
+        already, in imagination, seen their claims to the
+        distinction recognised by the elective body to which has
+        been entrusted the duty of weighing their respective
+        merits&mdash;well then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may
+        confidently say that "I am all there!"</p>
+
+        <p>Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of,
+        say, twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the
+        Prince of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some
+        generally widely-known personage, who has the literary
+        confidence of the public, and in this connection, I have no
+        hesitation in supplying it by that of the Compiler of
+        <i>Bradshaw's Railway Guide</i>. Several now should follow,
+        of varied and even conflicting interests, so as to satisfy
+        any over-captious criticism inclined to question the
+        thoroughly cosmopolitan character of the elective body. And
+        so I next add, Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke
+        of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle
+        of the Burlington Arcade.</p>
+
+        <p>It might now be well to give a distinctively literary
+        flavour to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my
+        list with the names of the Poet Laureate and the City
+        Editor of <i>Tit Bits</i>, following them up with the
+        representatives of commercial enterprise, speculative art,
+        and sportive leisure, guaranteed respectively by the names
+        of the Chairman of the Chelsea Steam-boat Company, Mr. R.
+        D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY OP BATTENBERG. For the
+        twelfth, and remaining name, I would suggest that of Mr.
+        HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the Manager of
+        Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir WILFRID LAWSON, General
+        BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or any other striking or
+        notable one that arrests the eye with the familiarity of
+        long acquaintance. With the existing deplorable position of
+        the Pantomime literature of the country, there can be
+        little need to question further the necessity of a British
+        Academy of Letters. The naming of those who are to
+        constitute that institution is another thing; but if an
+        authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this inevitable
+        function, is sought, and the public puts the question,
+        "<i>Quis Nominabit</i>?" I think, Sir, you will admit that
+        I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting to
+        your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the
+        matter at issue, to publish this communication,</p>
+
+        <p class="center"
+           style="margin-top:-1em">I am, Sir, your obedient
+           servant,</p>
+
+        <p class="author">A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>BEFORE AND BEHIND.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>From a Thoughtful Grammarian</i>.)</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SIR,&mdash;In the <i>Times</i>' Court Circular, on
+        Friday last, I read that&mdash;</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p class="note">"Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of
+            singing before Her MAJESTY and the Royal Family."</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p>This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly
+        Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before
+        the QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and
+        Royal Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But
+        suppose "before" does not here relate to time, but to
+        position. It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well
+        worth recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of
+        sinking <i>behind</i> the Royal Family. And then, what a
+        compliment if Her Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had
+        all turned round to listen to him! If I am wrong in my
+        interpretation of the Court Circular's Circular Note,
+        wouldn't it have prevented any possible error to have said,
+        "In the presence of"? I only ask for information, and
+        am</p>
+
+        <p class="center"
+           style="margin-top:-2em">Yours,</p>
+
+        <p class="author"
+           style="margin-top:-2em">FIDELITER.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.&mdash;The "General," who
+    is the biggest BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he
+    had been offered a big tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where?
+    "Anywhere, anywhere out of the world "&mdash;at least, out of
+    our little world of Great Britain &amp; Co. Let not "the
+    General" be too particular, but accept the tract,&mdash;though
+    he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting
+    them,&mdash;and let him and his army, his lads and lasses, go
+    away and leave us to enjoy our Sundays in peace and quiet.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW CITY FIRM (<i>adapted from West End by Our Own
+    Scotchman</i>).&mdash;"SAVORY AND MAYOR."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+       id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238.png"
+             alt="SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY" /></a>
+
+        <h3>SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN
+        SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+       id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239.png"
+             alt="NOSTALGIA" /></a>
+
+        <h3>NOSTALGIA.</h3>
+
+        <p>"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME
+        NORTH. IT'S THE CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I
+        S'POSE!"</p>
+
+        <p>"IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. IT'S THE CHANGE OF
+        BEER!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.</h3>
+
+    <p class="bracket">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Suburban Hall. The
+    Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited, and
+    low-spirited, and may perhaps number&mdash;including the
+    Attendants&mdash;eighteen. The only people in the front seats
+    are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal
+    under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog
+    is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a
+    melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes.
+    Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the
+    middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he
+    suddenly thinks better&mdash;or worse&mdash;of it, puts them on
+    again, and vanishes hurriedly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway</i>). Reg'lar
+    turnin' em away to-night, <i>we</i> are!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Sardonic Attendant</i>. He come up to me afore he
+    goes to the pay-box, and sez he&mdash;"Is there a seat left?"
+    he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I <i>think</i> we can manage
+    to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>The Orchestra, consisting of two
+    thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a
+    stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano</i>. Herr Von
+    KAMBERWOHL, <i>the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud
+    clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent).</i> Lyties and
+    Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin',
+    I 'ave, most hemphadically to repoodiate hall hassistance from
+    hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall
+    'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight
+    of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (<i>He invites any member of the
+    Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain
+    coy.</i>) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to
+    select from as usual, still I 'ope&mdash;&mdash;(<i>Here one of
+    the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the
+    platform.</i> ) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair moch oblige to you,
+    Sare. (<i>The Confederate grins sheepishly.</i>) Led me
+    see&mdash;I seem to remember your face some'ow. (<i>Broader
+    grin from Confederate.</i>) Hah, you vos 'ere last
+    night?&mdash;zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me
+    befoor, eh? (<i>Reckless shake of the head from
+    Confederate.</i>) I thought nod. <i>Vair</i> veil. You 'ave
+    nevaire done any dricks mit carts&mdash;no? Bot you vill dry?
+    You nevaire dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow
+    said ven she learn ze halphabet. (<i>He pauses for a
+    laugh&mdash;which doesn't come.</i>) Now, Sare, you know a cart
+    ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask
+    you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (<i>The
+    Confederate fumbles.</i>) I don't vish to 'urry you&mdash;but I
+    vant you to mike 'aste&mdash;&amp;c, &amp;c.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Man in Evening Dress</i>. I remember giving BIMBO,
+    the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that
+    trick&mdash;there was nothing in it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. And can you <i>do</i>
+    it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (guardedly</i>). Well, I don't know that I
+    could exactly do it <i>now</i>&mdash;but I know how it's
+    done.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>He explains elaborately how it is
+    done</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may
+    leave off).</i> Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion
+    of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And
+    I shall be moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me
+    viz 'is 'at for ze burpose of my exberiment.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Here's mine&mdash;it's quite at your
+    service. [<i>To his companions.</i> ] This is a stale old
+    trick, he merely&mdash;(<i>explains as before.</i> ) But you
+    wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K. (to the</i> M. in E.D). You are gvide sure,
+    Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours</i>). On
+    the contrary, there are several little things there belonging
+    to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K. (diving into the hat</i>). So? Vat 'ave we
+    'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs?
+    Anozzer&mdash;<i>and</i> anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry
+    flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. Invariably&mdash;to keep my head cool;
+    so hand them over, please; I want them.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>His Companions titter, and declare "it
+    really is</i> too <i>bad of him!"</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K.</i>. Bresently, Sare,&mdash;zere is somtings
+    ailse, it feels loike&mdash;yes, it ees&mdash;a mahouse-drap.
+    Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none
+    'ere in ze 'at!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation</i>.) I
+    never said there were.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V.K</i>. No, zere is no
+    mahouse&mdash;bot&mdash;[<i>diving again</i>]&mdash;ha! a
+    leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide
+    rad&mdash;and one, two, dree <i>more</i> vide rads! You vind
+    zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to
+    com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze vide rads myself, it is
+    madder of daste. [<i>The Audience snigger.</i> ] Oh, but
+    vait&mdash;zis is a <i>most</i> gonvenient
+    'at&mdash;[<i>extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete
+    set of baby-linen</i>]&mdash;ze shentelman is vairy domestic, I
+    see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, he knows how
+    von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I
+    vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for
+    'im.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>He showers cards, commending somebody's
+    self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person
+    receiving about two dozen&mdash;chiefly in the eye&mdash;until
+    the air is dark, and the floor thick with them.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (much annoyed</i>). Infernal liberty!
+    Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had <i>my</i> hat if I 'd
+    known he was going to play the fool with it like this!</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. But I thought you knew
+    what was coming?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. So I did&mdash;but this fellow does it
+    differently.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[Herr VON K. <i>is preparing to fire a
+    marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal
+    casket</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Lady with Nerves (to her husband</i>). JOHN, I'm
+    <i>sure</i> he's going to let that thing off!</p>
+
+    <p><i>John (a Brute</i>). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he
+    is. <i>I</i> can't help it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. with N</i>. You could if you liked&mdash;you could
+    tell him my nerves won't stand it&mdash;the trick will be every
+    <i>bit</i> as good if he only <i>pretends</i> to fire, I'm
+    sure.</p>
+
+    <p><i>John</i>. Oh, nonsense!&mdash;you can stand it very well
+    if you <i>like</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I <i>can't</i>, John.... There, he's
+    raising it to his shoulder. JOHN, I <i>must</i> go out. I shall
+    scream if I sit here, I <i>know</i> I shall!</p>
+
+    <p><i>John</i>. No, no&mdash;what's the use? He'll have fired
+    long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you
+    are, and do your screaming sitting down. (<i>The Conjuror
+    fires.</i>) There, you see, you <i>didn't</i> scream, after
+    all!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The L. w. N</i>. I screamed to <i>myself</i>&mdash;which
+    is ever so much worse for me; but you never <i>will</i>
+    understand me till it's too late!</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[Herr VON K. <i>performs another
+    trick.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady in Plush Cloak</i>. That was very clever,
+    wasn't it? I can't <i>imagine</i> how it was done!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat
+    is still rankling</i>). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the
+    world&mdash;any child could do it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Lady</i>. What, find the rabbit inside those
+    boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E.D</i>. You don't mean to say you were taken
+    in by <i>that</i>? Why, it was another rabbit, of
+    course!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+       id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+
+    <p><i>First Lady</i>. But even if it <i>was</i> another rabbit,
+    it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if
+    all the boxes have false bottoms.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second L</i>. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us
+    to examine.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Boxes&mdash;but not <i>those</i>
+    boxes.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First L</i>. But how could he slip the watch in when
+    somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The M. in E. D</i>. Ah, <i>I</i> saw how it was
+    done&mdash;but it would take too long to explain it now. I
+    <i>have</i> seen it so well performed that you <i>couldn't</i>
+    spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather
+    disturbing</i>). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von
+    among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all
+    my leedle dricks is done. Now&mdash;<i>suddenly abandoning his
+    accent</i>&mdash;I am always griteful for hanythink that will
+    distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on
+    upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from
+    follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this
+    gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little
+    louder than what he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled
+    to 'ear hevery word of his hexplanation more puffickly than
+    what some of you in the back benches have done 'itherto. Now,
+    Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinterestin' remarks in
+    a more haudible tone, I can go on between like.</p>
+
+    <p class="bracket">[<i>Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We
+    don't want to hear him!" from various places</i>; The Man in
+    Evening Dress <i>subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which
+    continues during the remainder of the performance</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240.png"
+             alt='"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"' /></a>
+
+        <h3>"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"</h3>
+
+        <p>"OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON! I DID HOT SEE YOU SIR!"</p>
+
+        <p>"SEE ME! CONFOUND IT, SIR, YOU CAN SEE <i>THROUGH</i> ME
+        NOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">JOURNALISTIC.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Inspector &mdash;&mdash; gives you the impression of a
+    particularly able and open-minded Police-officer;" i.e.</i>,
+    "An easy prey to the interviewing correspondent."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly
+    shrewd and able young Solicitor would be</i> very
+    <i>communicative about his client's case;" i.e.</i>, "Knew
+    precious little himself, and didn't even offer me a drink."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.&mdash;The great Berlin
+    Bacteriologist.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.</h3>
+
+    <p>They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum
+    differculty in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst
+    week, for to go with a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most
+    himportent hexcurshun to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the
+    trees down, so that then it woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not
+    no longer! Howewer, by promisin for to stick to the "Grand" all
+    thro' the cumming Winter, the too Gentelmanly Managers let me
+    go.</p>
+
+    <p>The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of
+    staggerers, was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand
+    Royal Saloon all to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but
+    my estonishment ceased when I saw that they was Chairmaned by
+    the same "King of good fellers" as took 'em all to Ship Lake on
+    a prewious ocasion. They didn't have not no refreshments all
+    the way to Slough, so they was naterally all pretty well harf
+    starved by the time they got there, but there they found a
+    lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted Natur,
+    and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only arf
+    parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, a
+    rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the
+    Party, declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the
+    Sunshine which was shining most brillient outside the room, and
+    acordingly off he set a warking up and down in it for three
+    quorters of a hour, without not no wittels nor no drink! till
+    "the King of all good fellers" coodn't stand it not no longer,
+    and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and a bottel of
+    Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one
+    glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner,
+    which I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it
+    arterwards, the cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but
+    I thinks I can wenture to say as that not one drop of it was
+    wasted, and werry good it was too.</p>
+
+    <p>We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of
+    one of the Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up
+    hinside. Sumhows or other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel
+    Lunch or not, I don't kno, we lost our way, and found ourselves
+    at larst, not where we all wanted to be, but at a most
+    bewtifool House of call, where they has the werry sensebel
+    custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff drink,
+    they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally
+    the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether
+    it's a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr.
+    FOURBES, the souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink
+    woodn't injuice 'em to alter the name. Whether that singler
+    custom had anythink to do with it I don't kno, but our party
+    didn't stay there long, and we soon found ourselves at
+    bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.</p>
+
+    <p>In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling
+    of the himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I
+    strolled off to a little willage as I seed in the distance, and
+    which is acshally called Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than
+    Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome of my herly birth! From a
+    rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real Native, I gathered the
+    himportant fack that the one reason why all the great big Beach
+    Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, that
+    OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as
+    to make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their
+    Hed to the Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting
+    hinformashun we can get from the werry humblest of our Feller
+    Creturs when we goes the rite way to git it!</p>
+
+    <p>I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry
+    senserbil reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best
+    munth to see whether Trees was really dead, or was ony
+    shamming, so they determined, like true patriots as they is, to
+    adjourn the matter till the 1st of next April, by which time
+    they woud be able to decide.</p>
+
+    <p>On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke
+    Pogies Church, where some great Poet was buried long long ago,
+    who had wrote a most lovely Poem there, all about what could be
+    seen from the Churchyard of an evening, and one of the party
+    said, that the sperrit of the bewtifool seen and of the luvly
+    Poem was so strong upon him, that, if they woud stand round the
+    Toom, he woud try to recite some of its sweetest lines, and he
+    did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was a driving back,
+    that more than one among them had his eyes filled with plessant
+    tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me to
+    write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not
+    anybody when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was
+    taken for to make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and
+    share in the rapshur as such poems seems to inspire in our
+    betters, it might help to smooth, if not to shorten, the long
+    dreary road as lies between the Hignorant and the
+    Heddicated.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:10em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12517-h.htm or 12517-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/229.png b/old/12517-h/images/229.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..560637b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/229.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/230.png b/old/12517-h/images/230.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d810ef2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/230.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/231.png b/old/12517-h/images/231.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1160128
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/231.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/232.png b/old/12517-h/images/232.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c14cfd5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/232.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/233-1.png b/old/12517-h/images/233-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3785972
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/233-1.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/233-2.png b/old/12517-h/images/233-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f8ee75e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/233-2.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/234.png b/old/12517-h/images/234.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f3f390
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/234.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/235.png b/old/12517-h/images/235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..73b84fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/235.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/237.png b/old/12517-h/images/237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0538fc3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/237.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/238.png b/old/12517-h/images/238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3c86b7b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/238.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/239.png b/old/12517-h/images/239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..088b1f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/239.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/240.png b/old/12517-h/images/240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..71f4889
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/240.png
diff --git a/old/12517-h/images/pointer.png b/old/12517-h/images/pointer.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6309484
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517-h/images/pointer.png
diff --git a/old/12517.txt b/old/12517.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..161368d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1776 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+NOVEMBER 15, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.
+
+(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald
+Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._
+
+    [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We
+    have referred to it as we went along, and found everything
+    quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish
+    the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our
+    readers. The story itself was written in a very clear,
+    legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia
+    Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling
+    cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for
+    returned empties."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty
+is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special
+reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this
+particular pig-sty.
+
+The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she
+grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to
+show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness
+of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had
+begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that
+her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah,
+that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in
+the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I
+droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life
+is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter
+is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and
+the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the
+commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the
+question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the
+class, all of you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitues_ I scarcely
+need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if
+you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a
+stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I
+went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was
+sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that
+he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows
+with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called
+"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single
+word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without
+difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was
+resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival
+humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was
+not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch
+weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we
+watched the preparations for the impending conflict.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow
+with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA.
+
+"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?"
+
+HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered.
+
+"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist.
+I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the
+world, am thinkin."
+
+This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of
+his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me
+feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest
+hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to
+come to an end? PETE took up the talking.
+
+"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S
+snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts
+out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can
+match wi' TAMMAS."
+
+He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for
+coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said
+nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger
+spoke.
+
+"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some
+experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to
+do a large business."
+
+He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen
+glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course
+for a sarcasm.
+
+"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin'
+to be a humorist."
+
+This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes
+on the stranger.
+
+"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I
+make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights.
+Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a
+house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost
+in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my
+wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on,
+holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent.
+Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes
+happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he
+produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have
+a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of
+the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some
+particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my
+bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides,"
+adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing
+when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this
+banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and
+children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you
+don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it
+never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to
+set against that, my friend?"
+
+We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and
+he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his
+ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then
+TAMMAS began--
+
+"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's
+mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk,
+and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter.
+When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on
+other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's
+lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo
+then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'"
+
+We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from
+the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a
+senseless mass.
+
+"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur
+ye are! What pit that in your heed?"
+
+"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle;
+"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the
+humour o' it comes in."
+
+"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the
+whole, I agree with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will
+probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.]
+
+_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG
+ENOUGH!"
+
+_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"]
+
+    ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the
+    usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below
+    the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure
+    as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News,
+    on the City & South London Electric Company_.]
+
+"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:--
+
+  Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am!
+    No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt!
+  You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am;
+    I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert.
+  Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous,
+    'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint;
+  You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows,
+    And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint!
+  Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am;
+    I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long;
+  He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am!
+    High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong.
+  Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling,
+    As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star?
+  Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling!
+    So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR.
+
+  He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy,
+    And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat.
+  As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur;
+    Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that!
+  You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty,
+    So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark.
+  He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty
+    To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark.
+  A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover,
+    My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_;
+  If I do not woo you the sunny earth over.
+    At least I lend light to love-making below.
+
+  He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger;
+    _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me!
+  He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger.
+    _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended.
+    Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall!
+  I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid,
+    As clean as a palace, not black as a pall.
+  Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction
+    Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game.
+  You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love,
+    And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame.
+
+  [_Carries her off in triumph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.
+
+Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King,
+MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in
+Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King
+Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say,
+history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE
+THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman
+of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one
+was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the
+difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens
+them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a
+pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may
+not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful
+and comforting."
+
+Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days
+of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time,
+and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help
+using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to
+the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows
+us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a
+wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by
+BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works
+that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for
+anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically,
+
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING).
+
+    ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe
+    five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic
+    wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with
+    rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being
+    fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are
+    snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods
+    deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring
+    the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of
+    the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short
+    shrift."--_Daily News._]
+
+  Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore
+    As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to
+  Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore
+    The things people do, that they really ought not to!
+  With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed,"
+    When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,--
+  But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head,
+    Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle.
+
+  With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake
+    The bed of the river, and gallantly wading,
+  Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make
+    Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading.
+  You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look!
+    (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon)
+  With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook,
+    The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon!
+
+  As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire
+    To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding;
+  And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire
+    To give the advice they so sadly seem needing.
+  Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan,
+    How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle;
+  And may they in future all see if they can,
+    By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN OUR GARDEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at
+all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This
+portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early
+in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy
+lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting
+after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open
+window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong.
+
+Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have
+no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as
+PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD.
+SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular
+deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not
+seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century.
+SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third
+son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a
+father at thirty-five.
+
+"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped
+the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness
+of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of
+ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want
+in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not
+ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD."
+
+WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of
+another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it
+was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week.
+As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put
+forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round
+than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is
+when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well
+(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change
+for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it.
+Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season,
+or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the
+discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always
+on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or
+the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard
+Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is
+not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree,
+fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes
+ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the
+gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in
+softer glance.
+
+"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring
+afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever
+seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty
+reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings.
+About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the
+onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down
+into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion."
+
+"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too
+down-hearted to speak.
+
+"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of
+interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot,
+wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the
+plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and
+there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them,
+it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the
+trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion,
+who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was
+you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a
+interfering with Nater."
+
+But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run
+this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to
+sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of
+which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained,
+to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a
+sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for
+a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long
+deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that
+rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion.
+"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall.
+Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of
+moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag,
+we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the
+task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy
+rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on
+the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either
+ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by
+the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed
+and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking
+exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last
+chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or
+rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora
+Schleideniana._
+
+"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands
+gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't
+look for much crop in that particular year."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+_A Hand-book to Honesty._
+
+NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)
+
+SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._
+
+I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard
+that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But
+this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of
+considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to
+one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has
+clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest
+money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand
+of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at
+a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph
+Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would
+hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at
+his own address_, as he suggests.
+
+[_Does so, hopefully_.
+
+
+SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious
+Person, _hurriedly_.
+
+_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place
+sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish
+about _this_, anyhow.
+
+[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters
+another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his
+watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but
+genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go,
+but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._--
+
+Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an
+appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP?
+
+_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL?
+
+_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
+
+_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr.
+SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was
+eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I
+was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter
+grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.)
+But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on
+second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across
+to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with
+a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS
+sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it.
+
+[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his
+companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an
+early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A
+couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a
+couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no,
+merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything
+is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_
+that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is
+assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the
+"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him,
+_hopeful, and admiring_.
+
+_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite
+a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get
+misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to
+ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet.
+
+[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by
+smart and austere-looking Domestic._
+
+_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more
+with him. Won't detain him a moment.
+
+_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't
+know any sech persing.
+
+_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour
+ago. Hasn't he returned?
+
+_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives
+here at all.
+
+_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white
+waistcoat!
+
+_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about
+suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But
+I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_.
+
+_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him!
+_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the
+door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable
+address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is
+gone! So are my two guineas!
+
+[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN OF SCIENCE.
+
+    [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article
+    in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to
+    it.]
+
+PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:--
+
+  I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance,
+    And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say:
+  Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL,
+    And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day.
+  I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude,
+    And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind:
+  I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology,
+    And every other 'ology that anyone can find.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf,
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+  I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection
+    For a curious collection from both animals and man:
+  I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll
+    Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can.
+  I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical,
+    I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own:
+  They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus:
+    Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known.
+      I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf;
+      I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the
+North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron.
+Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies
+generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes,
+with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes,
+which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking,
+quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein
+he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader
+behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He
+comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon
+men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or
+proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes
+the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most
+companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN
+to be seen through.
+
+In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has
+hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely
+to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title
+series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg
+pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy
+Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year
+the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will
+be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why
+should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in
+'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow
+Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth
+edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible
+stages of the combination and permutation of colour.
+
+_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one
+of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as
+before.
+
+"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the
+Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial
+history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the
+Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders,
+_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN
+PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny
+play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS.
+
+BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their
+indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With
+Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous
+adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico.
+Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with
+the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through
+many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough
+Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The
+Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will
+please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time.
+
+Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally
+by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now
+concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses
+a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all
+valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the
+highest praise.
+
+MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to
+his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the
+Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with
+brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The
+initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar
+throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the
+still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything,
+knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more
+of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most
+public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or
+art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift
+of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in
+a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who
+will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just
+enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its
+topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume,
+which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of
+work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for
+a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than
+journalism. They will take their place in Literature.
+
+November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent.
+Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S
+introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves
+up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know."
+
+My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The
+Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and
+published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia,
+rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who
+have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before
+the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity.
+
+I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The
+Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These
+Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot
+apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of
+_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful,
+or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week,
+says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."
+
+(_An Intercepted Letter_.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we
+_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House,
+has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the
+door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he
+did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought
+with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it,"
+as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_
+comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women
+were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable"
+(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the
+women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully
+intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help
+laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this
+was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were
+over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr.
+WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press!
+He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I
+to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for
+we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the
+Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was
+_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_
+people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close,
+and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather
+pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor
+the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to
+her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply
+capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was
+really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside!
+But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_
+time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come
+to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that
+be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes
+to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at
+all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very,
+_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_
+affectionate friend,
+
+LUCRETIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical
+column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in
+London!) inserted this notice:--
+
+    "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club,
+    Henrietta Street, Tuesday next."
+
+Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read
+his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY
+DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not
+"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease
+at his Club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of
+Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH.
+
+"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!"
+
+"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE
+SAWBATH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON;
+
+_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_.
+
+    ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for
+    its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and,
+    among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in
+    default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young
+    LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of
+    his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the
+    adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by
+    Surtees._]
+
+  Old stories tell how Hercules
+    At Lerna slew a "Dragon;"
+  And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES)
+    The Durham men still brag on.
+  How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm
+  Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!);
+  And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all,"
+    He slew the Dragon of Wantley.
+
+  Our Dragon here is a bigger beast
+    Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did;
+  On poor men's bodies he doth feast,
+    And ill-got gold long hoarded.
+  He hath iron claws, and from his jaws
+    Foul fumings are emitted.
+  The folks, his prey, who cross his way,
+    Are sorely to be pitied.
+
+  Have you not heard how the Trojan horse
+    Held seventy men inside him?
+  _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force
+    That none may rein or ride him.
+  Men hour by hour he doth devour,
+    And would they with him grapple,
+  At one big sup he'll gobble them up,
+    As schoolboys munch an apple.
+
+  All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat;
+    But his favourite food's poor people,
+  But he 'd swallow a city, street by street,
+    From cottage to church steeple.
+  Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear,
+    Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir,
+  And many a lair of dim despair
+    The Worm hath made its own, Sir.
+
+  In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm
+    Hath made a loathly den,
+  And there hath fed for a weary term
+    On the bodies and souls of men.
+  There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower,
+    Whilst in its coils close prest
+  Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power,"
+    And "Vested Interest."
+
+  Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold?
+    Lo! a champion appears.
+  He seems but small, and he looks not old--
+    A youth of scarce three years.
+  But "he hath put on his coat of mail,
+    Thick set with razors all,"
+  And a blade as big as a thresher's nail,
+    On that Dragon's crest to fall.
+
+  And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE,
+    He to the fight advances.
+  Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er,
+    With caution in his glances.
+  If he make shift that sword to lift,
+    And smite that Dragon dead,
+  No hero young song yet hath sung
+    A fouler pest hath sped.
+
+  Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.!
+    That two-edged blade is big, Sir!
+  That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be
+    "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir,
+  (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says,
+    In his quaint and curious story.)
+  If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise,
+    And legendary glory.
+
+  When London's streets are haunts of health
+    (Ah! happy if distant, when)
+  And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth
+    Feeds not on the filthy den;
+  The men to this champion's memory
+    Shall lift the brimming flagon,
+  And drink with glee to young County C,
+    Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had
+gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling
+TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to
+now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is
+to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs.
+TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy,
+entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M.
+STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must
+have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a
+column to STANLEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be
+the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are
+to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1.
+
+_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the
+Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT
+THE LAST FENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the
+Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an
+orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids,
+with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass
+band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the
+house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or
+ordinary.
+
+_Thursday.--Orfeo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA
+RAVOGLI in GLUeCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for
+many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted
+house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to
+an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double
+recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che
+faro_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable.
+Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for
+a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks,
+with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air,
+and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled
+walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures
+and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unaesthetic hues,
+when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental
+dances by two _premieres danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than
+generally supposed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor
+has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula
+Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIS NOMINABIT?
+
+(_Being a few Remarks a Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.")
+
+    MR. PUNCH, SIR,
+
+    I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of
+    contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more
+    or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been
+    invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse,
+    on the recently launched proposition to establish in our
+    midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters."
+    Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to
+    elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds
+    as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to
+    be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important
+    function. As to what would be the use of an institution of
+    the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to
+    reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body
+    capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants
+    who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the
+    distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been
+    entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well
+    then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that
+    "I am all there!"
+
+    Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say,
+    twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince
+    of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally
+    widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of
+    the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in
+    supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway
+    Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even
+    conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious
+    criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan
+    character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff
+    AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor
+    of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade.
+
+    It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour
+    to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the
+    names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_,
+    following them up with the representatives of commercial
+    enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed
+    respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea
+    Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY
+    OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I
+    would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of
+    CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir
+    WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or
+    any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with
+    the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing
+    deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the
+    country, there can be little need to question further the
+    necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those
+    who are to constitute that institution is another thing;
+    but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this
+    inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the
+    question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit
+    that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting
+    to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the
+    matter at issue, to publish this communication,
+
+    I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+    A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEFORE AND BEHIND.
+
+(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.)
+
+    SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read
+    that--
+
+    "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her
+    MAJESTY and the Royal Family."
+
+    This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly
+    Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the
+    QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal
+    Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose
+    "before" does not here relate to time, but to position.
+    It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth
+    recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking
+    _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her
+    Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to
+    listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the
+    Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any
+    possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask
+    for information, and am
+
+    Yours,
+
+    FIDELITER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest
+BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big
+tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of
+the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co.
+Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though
+he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let
+him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy
+our Sundays in peace and quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY
+AND MAYOR."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN
+SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSTALGIA.
+
+"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE
+CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR.
+IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR.
+
+
+SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun.
+The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps
+number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the
+front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to
+conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog
+is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy
+dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending
+Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty
+row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or
+worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._
+
+_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away
+to-night, _we_ are!
+
+_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the
+pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to
+'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like
+that, I sez.
+
+    [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls,
+    with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a
+    cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on
+    platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates
+    in a back row._
+
+_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I
+co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to
+repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins
+vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform
+by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member
+of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain
+coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select
+from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates
+slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am
+vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._)
+Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from
+Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you
+'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from
+Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any
+dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan
+do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He
+pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart
+ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to
+choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._)
+I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c.
+
+_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the
+West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it.
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly
+do it _now_--but I know how it's done.
+
+[_He explains elaborately how it is done_.
+
+_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may
+leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze
+inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be
+moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for
+ze burpose of my exberiment.
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his
+companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as
+before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it!
+
+_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf
+nossing insoide of your 'at?
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary,
+there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll
+thank you to give me back by-and-by.
+
+_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of
+flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do
+you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over,
+please; I want them.
+
+[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_
+
+_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels
+loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice,
+Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there
+were.
+
+_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a
+leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two,
+dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool,
+Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze
+vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _]
+Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large
+feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is
+vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman,
+he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me,
+so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
+
+[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers
+amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly
+in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._
+
+_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded
+impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to
+play the fool with it like this!
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming?
+
+_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently.
+
+[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a
+blunderbuss into a crystal casket_.
+
+_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to
+let that thing off!
+
+_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't
+help it.
+
+_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves
+won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only
+_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure.
+
+_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_.
+
+_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his
+shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I
+_know_ I shall!
+
+_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get
+to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming
+sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_
+scream, after all!
+
+_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for
+me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late!
+
+[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._
+
+_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't
+_imagine_ how it was done!
+
+_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still
+rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child
+could do it!
+
+_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they
+were all corded up, and sealed!
+
+_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_?
+Why, it was another rabbit, of course!
+
+_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the
+borrowed watch round its neck.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes
+have false bottoms.
+
+_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes.
+
+_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was
+holding it all the time in a paper bag?
+
+_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too
+long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you
+_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!
+
+_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties
+and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like
+myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly
+abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will
+distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the
+Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions
+too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin'
+dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as
+been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his
+hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches
+have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very
+hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between
+like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!"
+from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a
+crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the
+performance_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and
+open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing
+correspondent."
+
+"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and
+able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's
+case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me
+a drink."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.
+
+They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty
+in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with
+a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun
+to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it
+woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin
+for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too
+Gentelmanly Managers let me go.
+
+The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers,
+was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all
+to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased
+when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers"
+as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have
+not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all
+pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they
+found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted
+Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only
+arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party,
+a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party,
+declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was
+shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a
+warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not
+no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't
+stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and
+a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one
+glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which
+I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the
+cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture
+to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was
+too.
+
+We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the
+Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or
+other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno,
+we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted
+to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the
+werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff
+drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally
+the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's
+a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the
+souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to
+alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it
+I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found
+ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.
+
+In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the
+himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a
+little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called
+Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome
+of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real
+Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the
+great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was,
+that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to
+make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the
+Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we
+can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the
+rite way to git it!
+
+I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil
+reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether
+Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like
+true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next
+April, by which time they woud be able to decide.
+
+On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church,
+where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most
+lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard
+of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the
+bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that,
+if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its
+sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was
+a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with
+plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me
+to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody
+when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to
+make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as
+such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth,
+if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant
+and the Heddicated.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, November 15, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12517.txt or 12517.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+     https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL
+
+
diff --git a/old/12517.zip b/old/12517.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fb8389f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12517.zip