diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/12517-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/12517-8.txt | 1776 |
1 files changed, 1776 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/12517-8.txt b/old/12517-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..119ac1e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12517-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1776 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +November 15, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, November 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 4, 2004 [EBook #12517] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 99. + + + +NOVEMBER 15, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VI.--THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING. + +(_By_ J. MUIR KIRRIE, _Author of "A Door on Thumbs," "Eight Bald +Fiddlers" "When a Man Sees Double," "My Gentleman Meerschaum," &c._ + + [With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. We + have referred to it as we went along, and found everything + quite intelligible. As, however, we have no room to publish + the glossary, we can only appeal to the indulgence of our + readers. The story itself was written in a very clear, + legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, "Arcadia + Mixture. Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling + cases. Special terms for Southrons. Liberal allowance for + returned empties."] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'NOWHEAD'S Farm. A pig-sty +is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special +reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this +particular pig-sty. + +The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally she +grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she seemed to +show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had been a witness +of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the truth, they had +begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not prepared to deny that +her appreciation was an intelligent one. Behind us was the brae. Ah, +that brae! Do you remember how the child you once were sat in +the brae, spinning the peerie, and hunkering at I-dree I-dree I +droppit-it? Do you remember that? Do you even know what I mean? Life +is like that. When we are children the bread is thick, and the butter +is thin; as we grow to be lads and lassies, the bread dwindles, and +the butter increases; but the old men and women who totter about the +commonty, how shall they munch when their teeth are gone? That's the +question. I'm a Dominie. What!--no answer? Go to the bottom of the +class, all of you. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER II. + + +As I said, we were all on the pig-sty. Of the _habitués_ I scarcely +need to speak to you, since you must know their names, even if +you fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us, a +stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday when I +went ben the house I found him sitting with JESS; to-day, he too, was +sitting with us on the pig-sty. There were tales told about him, that +he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his vases and his pillows +with money, but TAMMAS HAGGART only shook his head at what he called +"such auld fowks' yeppins," and evidently didn't believe a single +word. Now TAMMAS, you must know, was our humorist. It was not without +difficulty that TAMMAS had attained to this position, and he was +resolved to keep it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival +humorist whom he would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was +not marked with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch +weavers, and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we +watched the preparations for the impending conflict. + + +CHAPTER III. + + +After TAMMAS had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old sow +with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed HENDRY MCQUMPHA. + +"HENDRY," he said, "ye ken I'm a humorist, div ye no?" + +HENDRY scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered. + +"Ou ay," he said, at length. "I'm no saying 'at ye're no a humorist. +I ken fine ye're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists in the +world, am thinkin." + +This was scarcely what TAMMAS had expected. HENDRY was usually one of +his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence which made me +feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest +hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to +come to an end? PETE took up the talking. + +"HENDRY, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of TAMMAS'S +snuff-mull, "ye're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's a thing 'at spouts +out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in Thrums 'at can +match wi' TAMMAS." + +He looked defiantly at HENDRY, who was engaged in searching for +coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser pocket. T'NOWHEAD said +nothing, and HOOKEY was similarly occupied. At last, the stranger +spoke. + +"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word? I may lay claim to some +experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally manage to +do a large business." + +He looked round interrogatively. TAMMAS eyed him with one of his keen +glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to clear the course +for a sarcasm. + +"So you're the puir crittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's meanin' +to be a humorist." + +This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed our eyes +on the stranger. + +"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I trust I +make myself plain, I'm willing to meet any man at catch-weights. +Now here, he continued," are some of my samples. This story about a +house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated. It's almost +in the style of Mr. JEROME'S masterpiece; or this screamer about my +wife's tobacco-pipe and the smoking mixture. "Observe," he went on, +holding the sample near to his mouth, "I can expand it to any extent. +Puff, puff! Ah! it has burst. No matter, these accidents sometimes +happen to the best regulated humorists. Now, just look at these," he +produced half-a-dozen packets rapidly from his bundle. "Here we have +a packet of sarcasm--equal to dynamite. I left it on the steps of +the Savile Club, but it missed fire somehow. Then here are some +particularly neat things in cheques. I use them myself to paper my +bedroom. It's simpler and easier than cashing them, and besides," +adjusting his mouth to his sleeve, and laughing, "it's quite killing +when you come to think of it in that way. Lastly, there's this +banking-account sample, thoroughly suitable for journalists and +children. You see how it's done. I open it, you draw on it. Oh, you +don't want a drawing-master, any fellow can do it, and the point is it +never varies. Now," he concluded, aggressively, "what have you got to +set against that, my friend?" + +We all looked at TAMMAS. HENDRY kicked the pail towards him, and +he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that HEHDRY had returned to his +ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then +TAMMAS began-- + +"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauoh at havers, an' there's +mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, but they're no Thrums fowk, +and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter. +When we're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we're a' dependent on +other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no nane o' us 'at's +lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll lauch at me. Noo +then," he roared out, "'A pie sat on a pear-tree.'" + +We all knew this song of TAMMAS'S. A shout of laughter went up from +the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a +senseless mass. + +"Man, man," said HOOKEY to TAMMAS, as we walked home; "what a crittur +ye are! What pit that in your heed?" + +"It juist took a grip o' me," replied TAMMAS, without moving a muscle; +"it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song. That's where the +humour o' it comes in." + +"Ou, ay," added HENDRY, "Thrums is the place for rale humour." On the +whole, I agree with him. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIVE.--_My Musical Experiences_, by BETTINA WALKER, will +probably be followed by _My Eye_, by BETTINA MARTIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG SPARK AND THE OLD FLAME.] + +_Young Spark_. "TRY ME! YOU'VE TOLERATED THAT FUSTY OLD FOGEY LONG +ENOUGH!" + +_Old Flame (aside)_. "FLASHY YOUNG UPSTART!"] + + ["It is obvious that small tunnels for single lines, of the + usual standard gauge, may be constructed some distance below + the ground, and yet the atmosphere of such tunnels be as pure + as upon a railway on the surface."--_Illustrated London News, + on the City & South London Electric Company_.] + +"_Young Spark_" _loquitur_:-- + + Your arm, my dear Madam! _This_ way, down the lift, Ma'am! + No danger at all, no discomfort, no dirt! + You love Sweetness and Light? They are both in my gift, Ma'am; + I'll prove like a shot what I boldly assert. + Don't heed your Old Flame, Ma'am, he's bitterly jealous, + 'Tis natural, quite, with his nose out of joint; + You just let him bluster and blow like old bellows, + And try _me_ instead--_I_ will not disappoint! + Old Flame? He's a very fuliginous "Flame," Ma'am; + I wonder, I'm sure, how you've stood him so long; + He has choked you for years--'tis a thundering shame, Ma'am! + High time the Young Spark put a term to his wrong. + Just look at me! Am I not trim, smart, and sparkling, + As clean as a pin, and as bright as a star? + Compare me with him, who stands scowling and darkling! + So gazed the old gallant on Young LOCHINVAR. + + He's ugly and huffy, and smoky, and stuffy, + And pokey, and chokey, and black as my hat. + As wooer he's dull, for his breath smells of sulphur; + Asphyxia incarnate, and horrid at that! + You _cannot_ see beauty in one who's so sooty, + So dusty, and dingy, and dismal, and dark. + He's feeble and footy; 'tis plainly your duty + To "chuck" the Old Flame, and take on the Young Spark. + A Cyclops for lover, no doubt you discover, + My dear Lady LONDON, is not _comme il faut_; + If I do not woo you the sunny earth over. + At least I lend light to love-making below. + + He's just like old Pluto, Persephone's prigger; + _You_'ll follow Apollo the Younger--that's me! + He's sombre as Styx, and as black as a nigger. + _His_ lady-love, LONDON! Bah! Fiddle-de-dee! + + His murky monopoly, Madam, is ended. + Come down, my dear love, to my subterrene hall! + I think you'll admit it is sparkling and splendid, + As clean as a palace, not black as a pall. + Electrical traction with sheer stupefaction + Strikes Steam, the old buffer, and spoils his small game. + You're off with the old Love, so try the new bold Love, + And let the Young Spark supersede the Old Flame. + + [_Carries her off in triumph._ + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Close upon a hundred years ago, when GEORGE THE THIRD was King, +MENDOZA opened a saloon in the Strand, whereat various studies in +Black and Blue might be enjoyed. To-day MENDOZA has a gallery in King +Street, which is devoted to studies in Black and White. You may say, +history repeats itself. Nothing of the kind. The gentleman of GEORGE +THE THIRD'S time devoted himself to the pugilistic art; the gentleman +of the time of VICTORIA gives his attention to graphic art. The one +was the patron of fists, the other of fingers--that makes all the +difference. MENDOZA the Past, closed eyes--MENDOZA the Present opens +them, and, if you go to the St. James's Gallery, you will find a +pleasant collection of Eye Art--open to all peepers. It is true it may +not be High Art, but you will find it, like Epps's Cocoa, "grateful +and comforting." + +Mr. MCLEAN, who has had an Art-show in the Haymarket since the days +of GEORGE THE THIRD, or rather his ancestor had, is "quite up to time, +and smiling," with his present collection (your Old PAR can't help +using the argot of the P.R., and brings COLE, not to Newcastle, but to +the Haymarket, in "_A Bend in the River, near Maple Durham_." He shows +us the views of BURTON BARBER on "_Compulsory Education_," also a +wondrous picture of the "_Gate of the Great Mosque of Damascus_," by +BAUERNFEIND, "_A Venetian Brunette_," by FILDES, and many other works +that will well repay inspection, but of which there is no space for +anything more to be said by yours par-enthetically, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +THE GENTLE ART (OF SNIGGLING). + + ["Whoever walks beside the river (the Ettrick), will observe + five or six or more men and boys, equipped with gigantic + wading-breeches, busy in each pool. They are only armed with + rods and flies, and thus have a false appearance of being + fair fishers.... The truth is that the apparent sportsmen are + snigglers, not anglers. They drive the top part of their rods + deep into the water, so as to rake the bottom, and then bring + the hook out with a jerk. Every now and then ... one of + the persecuted fishes ... is hauled out with short + shrift."--_Daily News._] + + Oh! the world's very bad, and our hearts they are sore + As we think of the errors and wrongs we have got to + Endure uncomplaining, and oh! we deplore + The things people do, that they really ought not to! + With Courtesy dead, and with Justice "a-bed," + When the mention of Love only causes a giggle,-- + But we'd manage to live and still hold up our head, + Were it not for the villain who ventures to sniggle. + + With his rod and his hook see him carefully rake + The bed of the river, and gallantly wading, + Arrayed in his breeches, endeavour to make + Of genuine sport but a mere masquerading. + You might think him a fool for his trouble--but look! + (And it's true, though at first it appears to be gammon) + With a horrible jerk, as he pulls up his hook, + The sportsmanlike sniggler has landed a salmon! + + As a nation of sportsmen, it rouses our ire + To hear of sport ruined by such a proceeding; + And to snigglers we earnestly wish and desire + To give the advice they so sadly seem needing. + Let them think, as they work their inglorious plan, + How old IZAAK must turn in his grave and must wriggle; + And may they in future all see if they can, + By learning to angle, forget how to sniggle! + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +Discovered on returning home that the Member for SARK had not at +all exaggerated the facts picturing disaster to our onion-bed. This +portion of the garden had been disappointing from the first. Early +in the Spring, when hope beat high, and the young gardener's fancy +lightly turned to thoughts of large crops, SARK and I were resting +after a frugal luncheon, when ARPACHSHAD suddenly appeared at the open +window. I knew from his beaming face that something was wrong. + +Perhaps I should explain that ARPACHSHAD is our head gardener. We have +no other, therefore he is the head. Out of the garden he is known as +PETER WALLOPS. It was SARK who insisted upon calling him ARPACHSHAD. +SARK had noticed that about the time of the Flood there was singular +deliberation in entering upon the marriage state. Matrimony did not +seem to be thought of till a man had turned the corner of a century. +SHEM, himself, for example, was fully a hundred before his third +son, ARPACHSHAD, was born. But ARPACHSHAD was already a husband and a +father at thirty-five. + +"That," said SARK, "is a remarkable circumstance that has escaped +the notice of the commentators. It indicates unusual forwardness +of character and a habit of swift decision. We hear nothing more of +ARPACHSHAD, but we may be sure he made things move. Now what we want +in this garden is a brisk man, a fellow always up to date, if not +ahead of it. Let us encourage WALLOPS by calling him ARPACHSHAD." + +WALLOPS on being consulted said, he thought it ought to be a matter of +another two shillings a-week in his wages; to which I demurred, and it +was finally compromised on the basis of a rise of a shilling a-week. +As far as I have observed, SARK'S device, like many others he has put +forward, has nothing in it. WALLOPS couldn't be slower in going round +than is ARPACHSHAD. The only time he ever displays any animation is +when he discovers some fresh disaster. When things are going well +(which isn't often) he is gloomy and apprehensive of an early change +for the worse. When the worst comes he positively beams over it. +Difficult to say whether he enjoys himself more in an over-wet season, +or in one of drought. His special and ever-recurring joy is the +discovery of some insect breaking out in a fresh place. He is always +on the look-out for the Mottled Amber Moth, or the Frit-fly, or +the Currant Scale, or the Apple-bark Beetle, or the Mustard +Beetle,--"Black Jack," as he familiarly calls him. To see, as is +not unfrequent, a promising apple-tree, cherry-tree, or damson-tree, +fading under the attack of the caterpillars of the Winter Moth, makes +ARPACHSHAD a new man. His back unbends, his wrinkles smooth out, the +gleam of faded youth reillumines his countenance, and his eyes melt in +softer glance. + +"The flies hev got at them honions," he said, on this Spring +afternoon. "I thought they would, and I reckon they're done for. Ever +seen a honion-fly, Sir? A nice, lively, busy-looking thing; pretty +reddish-grey coat, with a whitish face, and pale grey wings. +About this time of the year it lays its eggs on the sheath of the +onion-leaf, and within a week you've got the larvey burrowing down +into the bulb; after which, there's hardly any hope for your honion." + +"Can nothing be done to save them?" SARK asked. As far me, I was too +down-hearted to speak. + +"Well," said ARPACHSHAD, ruefully, not liking the prospect of +interfering with beneficent Nature, "if you was to get a bag of soot, +wait about till a shower was a coming on, carefully sprinkle the +plant, and let the soot wash in, _that_ might save a few here and +there. Or if you were to get a can of paraffin, and syringe them, +it would make the fly sit up. But I don't know as how it's worth the +trouble. Nater will have its way, and, if the fly wants the honion, +who are we that we should say it nay? I think, TOBY, M.P., if I was +you, I'd let things take their swing. It's a terrible thing to go a +interfering with Nater." + +But we didn't follow ARPACHSHAD'S advice. Having undertaken to run +this garden, we were determined to do it thoroughly; so I got SARK to +sweep out the flues of the furnace in the greenhouse, in the course of +which he broke several panes of glass, not expecting, so he explained, +to find the handle of his brush so near the roof. We half filled a +sack with soot, and carried it to the onion-bed. Then we waited for +a wet day, usually plentiful enough in haymaking time, now long +deferred. ARPACHSHAD insisted that we were to make quite sure that +rain was coming--then sprinkle the soot over the unsuspectiong onion. +"We waited just too long, not starting till the rain began to fall. +Found it exceedingly unpleasant handling the soot under conditions of +moisture. But, as SARK said, having put our hands to the soot-bag, +we were not going to turn back. Nor did we till we had completed the +task, ARPACHSHAD looking on, cheered only by the hope that the heavy +rain would wash the soot off before it could have any effect on +the fly. On the whole, the task proved productive of reward. Either +ARPACHSHAD had been mistaken, and the crop had not been attacked by +the fly, or the soot had done its work. Anyhow, the bed bloomed +and blossomed, and, at the time I left for Midlothian, was looking +exceedingly well. Then came SARK'S telegram, as described in the last +chapter. After the fly came the mildew. Close on the heels, or +rather the wings, of the _Anthomyia Ceparum_, fell the _Peronospora +Schleideniana._ + +"It isn't often it happens," said ARPACHSHAD, rubbing his hands +gleefully;--"but, when you get one on the top of t'other, you don't +look for much crop in that particular year." + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A Hand-book to Honesty._ + +NO. V.--MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.) + +SCENE I.--_Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person._ + +I.P. _discovered reading advertisements and correspondence._ + +[Illustration] + +_Impecunious Person_. Humph! It _sounds_ all right. I _have_ heard +that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But +this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of +considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to +one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has +clients, men of capital, but _not_ speculators, who wish to invest +money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand +of any respectable person sufficient. _That_'s all right. Advance at +a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph +Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would +hardly live _there_. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment _at +his own address_, as he suggests. + +[_Does so, hopefully_. + + +SCENE II.--_Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at_ 11 A.M. _Enter_ Impecunious +Person, _hurriedly_. + +_Impecunious Person_. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place +sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish +about _this_, anyhow. + +[_Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters +another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his +watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but +genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, +but stopping suddenly, stares at_ I.P., _and addresses him._-- + +Ahem! I--a--beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an +appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP? + +_I.P_. Why--a--yes, as a matter of fact, I have. + +_Mr. Mugsnap_. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL? + +_I.P_. Well--yes, as a matter of fact, it is. + +_Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily_). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr. +SOFTSHELL! (_Produces letter_.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was +eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I +was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter +grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (_Laughs jovially_.) +But no matter! Just step this way. (_Produces latch-key_.) But no, on +second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across +to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with +a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS +sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it. + +[_They cross to "The Shades," where_ Mr. MUGSNAP _wins upon his +companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an +early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A +couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a +couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, +merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything +is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against_ +that, _you knew. Within three days at the outside_, Mr. SOFTSHELL _is +assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the +"couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and_ Mr. MUGSNAP _leaves_ him, +_hopeful, and admiring_. + +_I.P. (strolling homeward_). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite +a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get +misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to +ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet. + +[_Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by +smart and austere-looking Domestic._ + +_I.P_. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just _one_ word more +with him. Won't detain him a moment. + +_Austere Domestic_. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't +know any sech persing. + +_I.P_. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour +ago. Hasn't he returned? + +_A.D. (emphatically_). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives +here at all. + +_I.P_. Oh _dear_, yes! Stout gentleman--military appearance--white +waistcoat! + +_A.S. (scornfully_). Oh, _him_! I saw sech a party 'anging about +suspiciously awhile ago, and _spoke to the perliceman about him_. But +I don't know him, and he don't live _here! [Shuts door sharply_. + +_I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him! +_) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." _That's_ why he met me on the +door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable +address, and _watched for me outside!_ And the sleek-spoken shark is +gone! So are my two guineas! + +[_Retires a sadder, and a wiser man_. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN OF SCIENCE. + + [It has been suggested, with reference to an amusing article + in _Blackwood,_ on a new religion, that science is equal to + it.] + +PROFESSOR PROTOPLASM _sings_:-- + + I'm a mighty man of science, and on that I place reliance, + And I hurl a stern defiance at what other people say: + Learning's torch I fiercely kindle, with my HAECKEL, HUXLEY, TYNDALL, + And all preaching is a swindle, that's the motto of to-day. + I'd give the wildest latitude to each agnostic attitude, + And everything's a platitude that springs not from my mind: + I've studied entomology, astronomy, conchology, + And every other 'ology that anyone can find. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf, + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + I'm a demon at dissection, and I've always had affection + For a curious collection from both animals and man: + I've a lovely pterodactyle, some old bones a little cracked, I'll + Get some mummies, and in fact I'll pounce on anything I can. + I'm full of lore botanical, and chemistry organical, + I oft put in a panic all the neighbours I must own: + They smell the fumes and phosphorus from London to the Bosphorus: + Oh, sad would be the loss for us, had I been never known. + I am a man of science, with my bottles on the shelf; + I'm game to make a little world, and govern it myself. + + * * * * * + +OUR OTHER "WILLIAM."--Question by the G.O.M. on quitting the +North,--"Stands Scotland where it did?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Read _The World and the Will_, by JAMES PAYN, says the Baron. +Successful novelist is our "J.P." for England and the Colonies +generally. "The profits blazoned on the Payn," is a line he quotes, +with a slight difference of spelling, in his present three volumes, +which is full of good things; his own "asides" being, to my thinking, +quoth the Baron, by far the most enjoyable part of his books. Herein +he resembles THACKERAY, who used to delight in taking the reader +behind the scenes, and exhibiting the wires. Not so JAMES PAYN. He +comes in front, and comments upon the actions of his puppets, or upon +men and morals in general, or he makes a quip, or utters a quirk, or +proposes a quiddity, and pauses to laugh with you, before he resumes +the story, and says, with the older romancers, "But to our tale." Most +companionable writer is JAMES PAYN. Tells his story so clearly. A PAYN +to be seen through. + +In the christening of his Christmas books, Mr. MERRY ANDREW LANG has +hit upon a genuine Happy Thought, on which the Baron begs sincerely +to congratulate him. It is a perfect little gold mine as a book-title +series. Last year M. ANDREW LANG wrote, and LANGMAN'S--no, beg +pardon--LONGMANS published _The Blue Fairy Book._ The _Blue Fairy +Book_, when it appeared, however, was read everywhere, so this year +the MERRY ANDREW issues _The Red Fairy Book_, which, of course, will +be more read than the other. Excellent notion! Where will it stop? Why +should it stop? Next year there'll be _The Green Fairy Book_; in +'92 the _Yellow Fairy Book_ (commencing with new version of _Yellow +Dwarf_), then the White, then the Black, then the Ver-millionth +edition, and so on and so on, _ad infinitum_, through all the possible +stages of the combination and permutation of colour. + +_The Magazine of Art for 1890_, published by CASSELL & Co., is one +of the best of its kind for pictures and Art-articles, The Mixture as +before. + +"Christmas is coming"--but the Publishers seem to think that the +Merry Old Gentleman will be here to-morrow. Yet we know the proverbial +history of to-morrow. However, to humour the up-to-date notion, the +Baron recommends to his young friends who wish to amuse their elders, +_Dolldom_, a dolls' opera, by CLIFTON BINGHAM, set to music by FLORIAN +PASCAL. Some of the songs are exquisite. It would make a very funny +play, children imitating dolls. Published by J. WILLIAMS. + +BLACKIE AND SON, are going it. Here are two more, by their +indefatigable writer, G.A. HENTY: _By Right of Conquest; or, With +Cortez in Mexico_. The young Sixteenth-Century boy, by his marvellous +adventures, proves _his_ right to be a hero in the Conquest of Mexico. +Of a more modern date is _A Chapter of Accidents_, which deals with +the Bombardment of Alexandria. The young fisher-lad has to go through +many chapters of adventure before he reaches a happy ending. _A Rough +Shaking_, by GEORGE MACDONALD, is a capital boys' book, while _The +Light Princess, and other Fairy Stories,_ by the same author, will +please the Baron's old-fashioned fairy-book readers at Christmas-time. + +Whoever possesses the _Henry Irving Shakspeare_,--started originally +by my dear old enthusiastic friend the late FRANK MARSHALL, and now +concluded by the new volume of plays, poems, and sonnets,--possesses +a literary treasure. The notes are varied, interesting, and all +valuable. The illustrations exactly serve their purpose, which is the +highest praise. + +MR. SMALLEY'S Letters are not to an _Inconnue_. They were written to +his paper, the _Tribune_, and have redressed the balance between the +Old World and the New by furnishing New York from week to week with +brilliant, incisive, and faithful pictures of life in London. The +initials, "G.W.S.," appended in their original form, are as familiar +throughout the United States as are those of our own "G.A.S." in the +still United Kingdom. Mr. SMALLEY goes everywhere, sees everything, +knows everybody, and his readers in New York learn a great deal more +of what is going on in London than some of us who live here. Most +public men of the present day, whether in politics, literature, or +art, have, all unconsciously, sat to "G.W.S." He has a wonderful gift +of seizing the salient points of a character, and reproducing them in +a few pellucid sentences. The men he treats of have many friends who +will be delighted to find that Mr. SMALLEY'S pen is dipped in just +enough gall to make the writing pleasant to those who are not its +topic. _Personalities_ is the alluring title of the first volume, +which contains forty-two studies of character. It is dangerous kind of +work; but Mr. SMALLEY has skilfully steered his passage. Written for +a newspaper, _London Letters_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) rank higher than +journalism. They will take their place in Literature. + +November Number of the _English Illustrated Magazine_, excellent. +Wykehamists, please note Mr. GALE'S article, and Lord SELBORNE'S +introduction. The COOKE who presides in this particular kitchen serves +up a capital dish every month--and "quite English, you know." + +My faithful "Co." has been rather startled by a volume called _The +Decline and Fall of the British Empire_, written by "Anonymous," and +published by the Messrs. TRISCHLER. The tome deals with Australia, +rather than England, and is dated a thousand years hence; so those who +have no immediate leisure will have plenty of time to read it before +the events therein recorded, so to speak, reach maturity. + +I notice an advertisement of a book by Major ELLIS, entitled _The +Ewe-speaking People of the Slave Coast of West Africa_. These +Ewe-speaking folk must be a sheepish lot. Black-sheepish lot +apparently, as being in West Africa. Major ELLIS is the author also of +_The Tshi-speaking People_. These last must be either timidly bashful, +or else a very T-shi lot. After this, there's nothing ELLIS this week, +says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY." + +(_An Intercepted Letter_.) + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST BECKY,--I have had _such_ luck! Oh, _so_ fortunate! Fancy, we +_did_ get in, after all! You know Mr. TENTERFORE, of Somerset House, +has a friend a barrister, and this friend said, if we would be by the +door of the Court at eleven, he _thought_ he could slip us in. And he +did, my dear--he did! We got _capital_ places, and as we had brought +with us some sherry and sandwiches, we had "a real good time of it," +as your brother calls it! We had our work, too, and so were _quite_ +comfortable. The night-charges were _such_ fun! A lot of men and women +were brought before the Magistrate for being "drunk and incapable" +(that's a legal term, my dear), and got so chaffed! One of the +women was very old--such a silly frump!--she was still dreadfully +intoxicated I am afraid! Very sad, _of course_, but we couldn't help +laughing! She was _such_ a figure before they got rid of her! But this +was only the overture to the drama. After the night-charges were +over, the Court was cleared, but we were allowed to remain, as Mr. +WIGINBLOCK (our barrister friend) declared we belonged to the Press! +He said that MARY contributed to the _Blood and Thunder News_, and I +to the _Murder Gazette_! I am sure it must have been in _fun_, for +we have never _seen_ the papers. When lunch was over, in came the +Magistrate with _a number_ of the "_smartest_" people! Really, I was +_quite delighted_ to be in such _good_ company. All sorts of _nice_ +people. And then--oh--it was _lovely_! We saw _her quite_ close, +and could watch the colour come and go in her cheeks! She is rather +pretty! She was wearing her _ordinary_ clothes; not the workhouse, nor +the ones _with the blood on them_, but some that had been sent in to +her since the inquest. I tried your opera-glasses. They are _simply +capital_, darling! We were much amused with _his_ evidence; and it was +really _excellent_ fun to listen to the howls of the crowd outside! +But I am not sure _he_ cared for them! We got away in _excellent_ +time, and I hope to go again. I am trying _very hard_ (should it come +to anything) to be present at the _last scene of all!_ Wouldn't that +be _lovely_? I should have to be at the place, though, at _ten minutes +to eight o'clock!_ I don't think I should go to bed that night _at +all!_ If I did, I am _sure_ I should not sleep! It would be so very, +_very_ interesting! And now, my _dearest_, good-bye. Your ever _most_ +affectionate friend, + +LUCRETIA. + + * * * * * + +"MINE EASE AT MY CLUB."--In its most useful and instructive theatrical +column last Sunday's _Observer_ (the only Observer of a Sunday in +London!) inserted this notice:-- + + "Mr. H.A. JONES is to read a paper at the Playgoers' Club, + Henrietta Street, Tuesday next." + +Why announce it? Why not let the hard-worked HENRY AUTHOR JONES read +his paper at his Club in peace and quietness? Very hard on poor HENRY +DRAMATIC AUTHOR JONES, if he can't have a few minutes of peace (not +"piece," _bien entendu_) to himself. Leave him alone to take his ease +at his Club. + + * * * * * + +UNSATISFACTORY FOR LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.--At a recent meeting of +Anarchists at New Jersey some were arrested, but MOST escaped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LAMENT FROM THE NORTH. + +"AND THEN THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD, DONALD!" + +"OU AY, SIR. ONLY THREE FINE DAYS--AND TWA OF THEM SNAPPIT UP BY THE +SAWBATH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON; + +_Or, The Great Slum Dragon and Little Master County Council_. + + ["The Worm (at first neglected) grew till it was too large for + its habitation.... It became the terror of the country, and, + among other enormities, levied a daily contribution ... in + default of which it would devour both man and beast.... Young + LAMBTON was extremely shocked at witnessing the effects of + his youthful imprudence, and immediately undertook the + adventure."--_Legend of "The Lambton Worm," as related by + Surtees._] + + Old stories tell how Hercules + At Lerna slew a "Dragon;" + And the "Lambton Worm" (told by SURTEES) + The Durham men still brag on. + How the "Laidly Worm" was made to squirm + Old legends tell (they _can't_ lie!); + And of MORE, of More-hall, when, "with nothing at all," + He slew the Dragon of Wantley. + + Our Dragon here is a bigger beast + Than LAMBTON slew, or MORE did; + On poor men's bodies he doth feast, + And ill-got gold long hoarded. + He hath iron claws, and from his jaws + Foul fumings are emitted. + The folks, his prey, who cross his way, + Are sorely to be pitied. + + Have you not heard how the Trojan horse + Held seventy men inside him? + _This_ Dragon's bigger, and of such force + That none may rein or ride him. + Men hour by hour he doth devour, + And would they with him grapple, + At one big sup he'll gobble them up, + As schoolboys munch an apple. + + All sorts of prey this Dragon doth eat; + But his favourite food's poor people, + But he 'd swallow a city, street by street, + From cottage to church steeple. + Like the Worm of Wear, this Dragon drear, + Hath grown, and grown, and grown, Sir, + And many a lair of dim despair + The Worm hath made its own, Sir. + + In Bethnal Green our Laidly Worm + Hath made a loathly den, + And there hath fed for a weary term + On the bodies and souls of men. + There doth it writhe, and ramp, and slower, + Whilst in its coils close prest + Are the things it thrives on--"Landlord Power," + And "Vested Interest." + + Now, who shall tackle this Dragon bold? + Lo! a champion appears. + He seems but small, and he looks not old-- + A youth of scarce three years. + But "he hath put on his coat of mail, + Thick set with razors all," + And a blade as big as a thresher's nail, + On that Dragon's crest to fall. + + And like young LAMBTON, or young MORE, + He to the fight advances. + Yet looks to that Slum Dragon o'er, + With caution in his glances. + If he make shift that sword to lift, + And smite that Dragon dead, + No hero young song yet hath sung + A fouler pest hath sped. + + Now guard ye, guard ye, young County C.! + That two-edged blade is big, Sir! + That Dragon's so spiky, he well might be + "Some Egyptian porcupig," Sir, + (As the singer of Wantley's Dragon says, + In his quaint and curious story.) + If this Dragon he slays, he shall win men's praise, + And legendary glory. + + When London's streets are haunts of health + (Ah! happy if distant, when) + And the death-rate ruleth low, and Wealth + Feeds not on the filthy den; + The men to this champion's memory + Shall lift the brimming flagon, + And drink with glee to young County C, + Who slew the Grim Slum Dragon! + + * * * * * + +A "DARK CONTINENT" HINT.--Mr. STANLEY, it is said, now wishes he had +gone on his exploration journey quite alone, without any travelling +TROUP. It is a curious fact, but worth mentioning here, that, up to +now, the only mention of difficulties with a "Travelling Troupe" is +to be found in a little shilling book recently published by Messrs. +TRISCHLER & CO., at present nearing its fifty thousandth copy, +entitled, _A New Light thrown across the Darkest Africa_. Whether H.M. +STANLEY will appeal to this as evidence remains to be seen. We must +have the whole truth out about STANLEY'S Rear Column before we rear a +column to STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +The "NORFOLK BROADS," according to the _Standard_, are in future to be +the English cradle of the German "Bass." Not beer, but fish. There are +to be "no takers" at present, so the cradle will not be a Bass-in-net. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "LAIDLY WORM" OF LONDON--AND YOUNG COUNTY COUNCIL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING PREDICAMENTS. No. 1. + +_Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the +Season_). "OH, MR. ROWEL, DO YOU MIND GOING BACK? I DROPPED MY WHIP AT +THE LAST FENCE!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Welcome once more to our old friend, _Norma, the +Deceived Druidess_, who was called _Norma_ for short, she being an +orphan, and having "nor par, nor ma." The Ancient Order of Druids, +with Arch-Druid _Oroveso_ in the chair, might have had a better brass +band. _Norma_ nowadays is not particularly attractive, and the +house, when it is given, cannot be expected to be more than normal or +ordinary. + +_Thursday.--Orféo._ First appearance of Miles. GIULIA and SOFIA +RAVOGLI in GLÜCK'S beautiful Opera, which has not been seen here for +many years, but--judging from its reception by a full and delighted +house--will be seen many times before Signor LAGO'S season comes to +an end. Enthusiastic reception of GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Orpheus_; double +recall after three of the four Acts; house insisting on having "_Che +farò_" all over again. Orchestra, under Signor BEVIGNANI, admirable. +Recreations of Demons and Furies, when let out of Gates of Erebus for +a half-holiday, peculiar, not to say eccentric. Demons lie on rocks, +with silver serpents round their necks as comforters, claw the air, +and trot round in circles, after which they exhibit Dutch-metalled +walking-sticks to one another with sombre pride. Furies trip measures +and strike attitudes in pink tights and draperies of unæsthetic hues, +when not engaged in witnessing, with qualified interest, incidental +dances by two _premières danseuses._ Hades evidently less dull than +generally supposed. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--Curious that no enterprising shaving-soap proprietor +has as yet, as far as we know, advertised his invention as "_Tabula +Rasa."_ This is worth thousands, and takes the cake--of soap. + + * * * * * + +QUIS NOMINABIT? + +(_Being a few Remarks à Apropos of a "British Academy of Letters_.") + + MR. PUNCH, SIR, + + I have been reading with some morbid interest a series of + contributions to the pages of a contemporary from several more + or less distinguished literary men who have apparently been + invited to express their opinions, favourable or the reverse, + on the recently launched proposition to establish in our + midst, after the French model, a "British Academy of Letters." + Some ask, "What's the use?" Others want to know who is to + elect the elected, and seem much exercised in their minds + as to the status and qualifications of those who ought to + be chosen for the purpose of discharging this all-important + function. As to what would be the use of an institution of + the kind, the answer is so obvious that I will not attempt to + reply to it. But if it comes to naming a representative body + capable of selecting the two or three thousand aspirants + who have already, in imagination, seen their claims to the + distinction recognised by the elective body to which has been + entrusted the duty of weighing their respective merits--well + then, to use a colloquial phrase, I may confidently say that + "I am all there!" + + Of course. Royalty must head it, so I head the list of, say, + twelve Academic Electors, with the name of H.R.H. the Prince + of WALES. This should be followed up by that of some generally + widely-known personage, who has the literary confidence of + the public, and in this connection, I have no hesitation in + supplying it by that of the Compiler of _Bradshaw's Railway + Guide_. Several now should follow, of varied and even + conflicting interests, so as to satisfy any over-captious + criticism inclined to question the thoroughly cosmopolitan + character of the elective body. And so I next add, Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, H.R.H. the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, the Proprietor + of PEARS' Soap, and the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. + + It might now be well to give a distinctively literary flavour + to the body, and so I am disposed to continue my list with the + names of the Poet Laureate and the City Editor of _Tit Bits_, + following them up with the representatives of commercial + enterprise, speculative art, and sportive leisure, guaranteed + respectively by the names of the Chairman of the Chelsea + Steam-boat Company, Mr. R. D'OYLY CARTE, and Prince HENRY + OP BATTENBERG. For the twelfth, and remaining name, I + would suggest that of Mr. HENRY IRVING, the Archbishop of + CANTERBURY, the Manager of Madame TUSSAUD'S Wax Works, Sir + WILFRID LAWSON, General BOOTH, Mr. SLAVIN, Mr. J.L. TOOLE, or + any other striking or notable one that arrests the eye with + the familiarity of long acquaintance. With the existing + deplorable position of the Pantomime literature of the + country, there can be little need to question further the + necessity of a British Academy of Letters. The naming of those + who are to constitute that institution is another thing; + but if an authoritative fountain-head, to discharge this + inevitable function, is sought, and the public puts the + question, "_Quis Nominabit_?" I think, Sir, you will admit + that I have most satisfactorily supplied the answer. Trusting + to your judicious appreciation of the full gravity of the + matter at issue, to publish this communication, + + I am, Sir, your obedient servant, + + A VERY POSSIBLE FUTURE ACADEMICIAN. + + * * * * * + +BEFORE AND BEHIND. + +(_From a Thoughtful Grammarian_.) + + SIR,--In the _Times_' Court Circular, on Friday last, I read + that-- + + "Mr. WILLIAM NICHOLL had the honour of singing before Her + MAJESTY and the Royal Family." + + This was indeed an honour. I regret that the Courtly + Circularist did not tell us what Mr. NICHOLL sang before the + QUEEN and Royal Family, and also what the QUEEN and Royal + Family sang (solo and chorus?) after Mr. NICHOLL. But suppose + "before" does not here relate to time, but to position. + It would have been a novelty indeed, and one well worth + recording, if Mr. NICHOLL had had the honour of sinking + _behind_ the Royal Family. And then, what a compliment if Her + Gracious MAJESTY and the Royal Family had all turned round to + listen to him! If I am wrong in my interpretation of the + Court Circular's Circular Note, wouldn't it have prevented any + possible error to have said, "In the presence of"? I only ask + for information, and am + + Yours, + + FIDELITER. + + * * * * * + +A NEW TRACT FOR THE SALVATION ARMY.--The "General," who is the biggest +BOOTH in the show, announced last week that he had been offered a big +tract of land. Hear! Hear! Where? Where? "Anywhere, anywhere out of +the world "--at least, out of our little world of Great Britain & Co. +Let not "the General" be too particular, but accept the tract,--though +he is more used to distributing tracts than accepting them,--and let +him and his army, his lads and lasses, go away and leave us to enjoy +our Sundays in peace and quiet. + + * * * * * + +NEW CITY FIRM (_adapted from West End by Our Own Scotchman_).--"SAVORY +AND MAYOR." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKY-SIGNS IN THE COUNTRY. (AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST IN +SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOSTALGIA. + +"YOU SEEM OUT OF SORTS, JAMES, EVER SINCE WE'VE COME NORTH. IT'S THE +CHANGE OF CLIMATE AND SCENERY, I S'POSE!" "IT'S WUSS NOR THAT, MARIAR. +IT'S THE CHANGE OF BEER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AN EVENING WITH A CONJUROR. + + +SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. +The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps +number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the +front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he tries to +conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog +is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy +dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending +Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty +row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or +worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._ + +_First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away +to-night, _we_ are! + +_Second Sardonic Attendant_. He come up to me afore he goes to the +pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to +'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like +that, I sez. + + [_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, + with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a + cracked piano_. Herr Von KAMBERWOHL, _the Conjuror, appears on + platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates + in a back row._ + +_Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent)._ Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I +co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave, most hemphadically to +repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins +vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform +by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member +of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain +coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to-night so larsh an orjence to select +from as usual, still I 'ope----(_Here one of the obvious Confederates +slouches up, and joins him on the platform. _) Ah, zat is goot! I am +vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) +Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from +Confederate._) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you +'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from +Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ veil. You 'ave nevaire done any +dricks mit carts--no? Bot you vill dry? You nevaire dell vat you gan +do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He +pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart +ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to +choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) +I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c, &c. + +_The Man in Evening Dress_. I remember giving BIMBO, the Wizard of the +West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it. + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. And can you _do_ it? + +_The M. in E.D. (guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly +do it _now_--but I know how it's done. + +[_He explains elaborately how it is done_. + +_Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may +leave off)._ Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze +inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be +moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for +ze burpose of my exberiment. + +_The M. in E.D_. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his +companions. _] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as +before. _) But you wait and see how I 'll score off him over it! + +_Herr V.K. (to the_ M. in E.D). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf +nossing insoide of your 'at? + +_The M. in E.D. (with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary, +there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll +thank you to give me back by-and-by. + +_Herr V.K. (diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of +flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do +you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare? + +_The M. in E.D_. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over, +please; I want them. + +[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is_ too _bad of him!"_ + +_Herr V.K._. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels +loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, +Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at! + +_The M. in E.D. (with rather feeble indignation_.) I never said there +were. + +_Herr V.K_. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a +leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, +dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, +Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike ze +vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger. _] +Oh, but vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large +feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is +vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot businessman, +he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, +so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im. + +[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers +amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly +in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._ + +_The M. in E.D. (much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded +impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I 'd known he was going to +play the fool with it like this! + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. But I thought you knew what was coming? + +_The M. in E.D_. So I did--but this fellow does it differently. + +[Herr VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a +blunderbuss into a crystal casket_. + +_A Lady with Nerves (to her husband_). JOHN, I'm _sure_ he's going to +let that thing off! + +_John (a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't +help it. + +_The L. with N_. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves +won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only +_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure. + +_John_. Oh, nonsense!--you can stand it very well if you _like_. + +_The L. w. N_. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his +shoulder. JOHN, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I +_know_ I shall! + +_John_. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get +to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming +sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ +scream, after all! + +_The L. w. N_. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for +me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late! + +[Herr VON K. _performs another trick._ + +_First Lady in Plush Cloak_. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't +_imagine_ how it was done! + +_The M. in E.D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still +rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child +could do it! + +_Second Lady_. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they +were all corded up, and sealed! + +_The M. in E.D_. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_? +Why, it was another rabbit, of course! + +_First Lady_. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the +borrowed watch round its neck. + +_The M. in E. D_. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes +have false bottoms. + +_Second L_. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine. + +_The M. in E. D_. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes. + +_First L_. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was +holding it all the time in a paper bag? + +_The M. in E. D_. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too +long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you +_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer! + +_Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties +and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like +myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--_suddenly +abandoning his accent_--I am always griteful for hanythink that will +distrack the attention of the orjonce from what is going on upon the +Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions +too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' +dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as +been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of his +hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches +have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very +hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between +like. [_Murmurs of "No, no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" +from various places_; The Man in Evening Dress _subsides into a +crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the +performance_. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_Inspector ---- gives you the impression of a particularly able and +open-minded Police-officer_;" i.e., "An easy prey to the interviewing +correspondent." + +"_It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd and +able young Solicitor would be_ very _communicative about his client's +case_;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't even offer me +a drink." + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE KOCH OF THE WALK.--The great Berlin Bacteriologist. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES. + +They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I had sum differculty +in getting leaf of habsense for Satterday, larst week, for to go with +a werry seleck Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexcurshun +to Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so that then it +woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not no longer! Howewer, by promisin +for to stick to the "Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too +Gentelmanly Managers let me go. + +The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day of staggerers, +was the fack, that all the hole Party had a grand Royal Saloon all +to theirselves for to take them to Slough, but my estonishment ceased +when I saw that they was Chairmaned by the same "King of good fellers" +as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious ocasion. They didn't have +not no refreshments all the way to Slough, so they was naterally all +pretty well harf starved by the time they got there, but there they +found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to refresh xhawsted +Natur, and at it they went like One o'Clock altho it wasn't only +arf parst Elewen. Now for the second staggerer! One of the party, +a rayther antient Deputty, insted of jining the rest of the Party, +declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sunshine which was +shining most brillient outside the room, and acordingly off he set a +warking up and down in it for three quorters of a hour, without not +no wittels nor no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't +stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with sum sangwidges and +a bottel of Sham. He woodn't not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one +glass of wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner, which +I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked for it arterwards, the +cork had got out, and the wine had got out, but I thinks I can wenture +to say as that not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was +too. + +We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-seat of one of the +Carridges, and the other pore fellers cramped up hinside. Sumhows or +other, weather it was hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno, +we lost our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all wanted +to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call, where they has the +werry sensebel custom that, when they thinks as wisiters has had enuff +drink, they won't let 'em have not a Drop More, and that is acshally +the name by which the ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's +a good plan for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. FOURBES, the +souperintendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to +alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do with it +I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we soon found +ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches. + +In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the +himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a +little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is acshally called +Egipt, tho it ain't much bigger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the ome +of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun with a real +Native, I gathered the himportant fack that the one reason why all the +great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their tops cut off, was, +that OLIWER CROMWEEL wanted the bows for his sojers to carry, so as to +make 'em look more than they was when he marched at their Hed to the +Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius and hinteresting hinformashun we +can get from the werry humblest of our Feller Creturs when we goes the +rite way to git it! + +I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senserbil +reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see whether +Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they determined, like +true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the 1st of next +April, by which time they woud be able to decide. + +On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies Church, +where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had wrote a most +lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from the Churchyard +of an evening, and one of the party said, that the sperrit of the +bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon him, that, +if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try to recite some of its +sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on 'em say, as we was +a driving back, that more than one among them had his eyes filled with +plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for a pore Waiter like me +to write on these matters, but I hopes as I don't offend not anybody +when I says, that praps if jest a leetle more pains was taken for to +make us pore fellers understand, and feel, and share in the rapshur as +such poems seems to inspire in our betters, it might help to smooth, +if not to shorten, the long dreary road as lies between the Hignorant +and the Heddicated. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, November 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12517-8.txt or 12517-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/1/12517/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + + https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + |