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diff --git a/11094-0.txt b/11094-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe02444 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1766 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11094-h.htm or 11094-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h/11094-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +MARCH 12, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The spread of influenza is said to be greatly assisted by +"germ-carriers." We can't think why germs should be carried. Let +'em walk. + + *** + +According to _The Sunday Express_ a young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was also a murder confession in the +Press last week. + + *** + +"Whitehall," says a Society organ, "has succumbed to the Jazz, the +Fox-trot and the Bunny-hug." It still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling. + + *** + +A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he was suffering +from an attack of influenza and had taken some whisky. Yes, but where +from? + + *** + +We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," which appeared +in a daily paper the other day, misled a great number of sufferers, +who at once wrote to say that they were prepared to make the exchange. + + *** + +It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car has been +produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced by pedestrians +when being run over by a car is said to have been eliminated. + + *** + +Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the pancake thrown to +the boys at Westminster School in the presence of the KING and QUEEN +appeared to fall flat. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the little Kensington boy who was tossed by +a huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is stated to be going on nicely. + + *** + +Five hundred and twenty-seven pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone magistrate. Why this +invidious distinction? + + *** + +"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in +his own home against everyone but his wife." It is surmised that his +Honour never kept a cook. + + *** + +We are informed that the dispute between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has been settled by the latter name +being changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union." + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour the creation of a new Order for +deserving Welshmen. The revival of the Order of the Golden Fleece +is suggested. + + *** + +A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of +"satin-walnut hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had +had its day. + + *** + +Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier stated that he remembered +nothing about his second marriage and pleaded that he was +absent-minded. A very good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married. + + *** + +A sorry blow has been dealt at those who maintain we are not a +commercial race. "You gave me prussic acid in mistake for quinine this +morning," a man told a chemist the other day. "Is that so?" said the +chemist; "then you owe me another twopence." + + *** + +For the benefit of those about to emigrate we have pleasure in +furnishing the exclusive information that very shortly there will +be big openings in America for corkscrew-straighteners. + + *** + +We are now able to state that the wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without a hymeneal ode from the POET +LAUREATE. + + *** + +We understand that a lady operator who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other day would have been severely +reprimanded but for her plea that she mistook him for a subscriber. + + *** + +It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In +these days of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot. + + *** + +We hear privately that one of our leading dailies has fixed April 14th +as the date on which its office "correspondent" will first hear the +note of the cuckoo in Epping Forest. + + *** + +Several suspicious cases of sickness are reported among the aborigines +of New South Wales. It is not yet known whether they are due to +influenza or to the native custom of partaking heavily of snakepie on +the eve of Lent. + + *** + +Nottingham will hold its six hundred and fifty-eighth annual Goose +Fair this year, and a local paper has made a distinct hit by stating +that it is "the oldest gathering of its kind except the House of +Commons." + + *** + +President EBERT, according to the _Frankfort Gazette_, is to have a +Chief Master of Ceremonies. One of his first duties, in which he will +have the advice of prominent musicians, will be to fix an authorised +style of eating _Sauerkraut_ which shall be impressive yet devoid of +ostentation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a +certain London restaurant at night have supper given to them by the +management.] + +_First Taxi_. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?" + +_Second ditto_. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD +BEAN."] + + * * * * * + + "A woman's sphere was her own home, that she should earn her own + living was inimical to domestic happiness; it was almost contra + bonus morus, which is a very serious thing indeed."--_Scots + Paper_. + +It certainly would be for Smith mi. if he said it in class. + + * * * * * + + "The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles ----, a full-blooded + Sioux Indian, and the only full-blooded literary man among the + North American Indians."--_American Paper_. + +We could spare some of our full-blooded, literary men if there is a +shortage in America. + + * * * * * + +MONUMENTS OF THE WAR. + + Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay + Our triumphs gathered all across the map; + Lest other topics--like the weather, say, + Or jazzing--should supplant the recent scrap; + Or lest a future race whose careless lot + Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid + Millennial balm, be unaware of what + (Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;-- + + Let such invite our architects to plan + Great monumental works in steel and stone, + Certain to catch the eye of any man + And make our victories generally known; + Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built, + In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set, + And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:-- + "IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET." + + Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored, + Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest, + Baring her ravaged beauty to record + The Culture of the Bosch when at his best; + At Albert, even where it bit the ground, + Low let the Image lie and tell its fate, + Poignant memento, like our own renowned + ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate). + + For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween, + Sufficiently recall these fateful years; + I need no monument for keeping green + All that I suffered in the Volunteers; + Therefore I urge the Army Council, at + Its earliest leisure, please--next week would do-- + To raze the hutments opposite my flat, + That still impinge on my riparian view. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES. + +It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be demobilised, that I +decided to buy a pair of warm gloves from Ordnance. + +After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. Depot, the +Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., I found myself, at the end +of a morning's strenuous walking, confronted by notices on a closed +door stating that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment Issue +Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would re-open at 14.00. + +I went away to lunch. + +At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and entered. From +14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the R.A.F. smoking cigarettes +and choosing a pair of socks, and studied notices to the effect that +this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that only Officers +were permitted to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office would close at +16.00. + +At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, he had an +appointment at three, and would return, old bean--er, Corporal--in +the morning to see about those dashed socks. The Corporal behind +the counter blew away a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me +distrustfully. + +"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, woollen, +knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence." + +"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. I'll take them +now." + +But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, watching +another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate for gloves, +woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, pairs one. At 15.05 I was +in another building, getting the indent stamped and countersigned. +At 15.12 I was in another building, exchanging it for a buff form in +duplicate. At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went through +the motions of taking up the gloves. + +"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding them away; "you +must first produce your Field Advance Book as a proof of identity." + +"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I explained. "You +see, in Egypt, where I come from--that is, I was attached, you know, +to the--well, in short, I haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I +said before. But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof--they +do that in Egypt, you know--and I have my identity discs, my +demobilisation papers, my cheque-book--oh, and heaps of other things +which would prove to you that I am really me. Besides, my name is sewn +inside the back of my tunic. _And_ my shirt," I added hopefully. + +"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the Corporal coldly, +"your only course is to obtain a certificate of identity from the Camp +Commandant." + +"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take me a +quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office and another +quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get a certificate of identity +under an hour and a-half. It is now twenty-five past three. You close +at four. To-morrow morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... +You see how impossible it all is, Corporal." + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to issue the gloves +without your Field Advance Book or a certificate of identity." + +"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, Corporal, how cold it +will be across Italy and France without gloves. I've been in the East +for over four years, and I might get pneumonia and die, you know." + +"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. "It may not take so +long as you think." + + * * * * * + +At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office with my A.B.64, +identity discs, demobilisation papers and cheque-book ready to hand, +and my tunic loosened at the neck. + +At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence. + +At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, with a +certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest piece of work I +have ever known in the Army. And I might have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in +disguise for all they knew in the office--or cared. + + * * * * * + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment Issue +Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to another officer while +you were away." + +ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +ON HALF RATIONS. + + "Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable + home. Treated as _one_ of the family."--_Daily Paper_. + +The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this niggardly +arrangement. + + * * * * * + + "V.A.D.--Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., + Piano, Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital + closing down and having same for sale, kindly communicate + with Secretary."--_Times_. + +We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected to do under +the piano and billiard table, but we presume that her consent would be +required, and that she would not be sold, so to speak, over her own +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TURN OF THE TIDE. + +JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_AMATEUR THEATRICAL REHEARSAL_. + +_Author_. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK _MY_ LINES, AND +THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH." + +_Tommy (on short leave)_. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY +LEAVE?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE RHINE. + +I. + +"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and infamous Hun, I am, I am." + +We are obliged to repeat this continually to ourselves in order to +present the stern and forbidding air which is supposed to mark our +dealings with the inhabitants. For, look you, we have usurped the +place of the Royal Jocks on the "right flank of the British Army," and +are on outpost duty, with our right resting on the bank of the Rhine, +while in front the notice-boards, "Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare +at us. + +No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, pay-through-the-nose people +that we were. No longer does our daily routine include the smile for +Mademoiselle, the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny for the little +ones. No, we steel ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted to +us, and struggle to offer a perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum." + +What does Thomas think of it all? Well, to tell the truth, I haven't +caught him thinking very much about it. Gloating seems foreign to his +nature somehow, and I don't think he will ever make a really good +Hun. He is rather like a child who for four years has been crying +incessantly for the moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, I'm glad +I've got it; now let's get on with something else," and takes not the +slightest interest in the silly old moon he has acquired with so much +trouble. + +There are two things to which he cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the inhabitants and the realisation +that his laboriously acquired knowledge of the French language is no +longer of any avail. He will never quite get over the former of these +two disabilities, but he is coping courageously with the latter. +For instance, in place of the "No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" now +explains that "Your saucepan I borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of environment makes very little +difference to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart and the necessary +rations, a British oasis will appear and be prepared to flourish in +any old desert you like. + +No, I am wrong. There is another difficulty which as yet he has not +been able entirely to overcome. I cannot describe the consternation +which came over the Company when I informed them that there was no +longer any need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. At first they +thought it was just a Company Commander's humour and paid it the usual +compliments of the parade; but when they found I was serious they were +simply appalled. It was as if I had taken the very spice out of their +existence. Not to be able to go out and "win" a handful of fuel for +the evening's fug and for the brewing of those unwholesome messes in +the tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could not have propounded a more +revolutionary principle. Heartbroken some of the old soldiers came +to me afterwards. "What are we to do, Sir?" they said. "We only go +on guard four hours in sixteen; we must do something the rest of the +time." Sternly I bade them think of scrounging as a thing of the +past--a thing of glorious memory only to be spoken of round the fires +at home. If they wanted anything in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it. + +For let me tell you, all you demobilised wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life were matters of private +enterprise--let me tell you that in this village, if I say that I +require coal, _coal is here_, and with it the Bürgermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We must have beds? The spare beds +of the village are forthcoming. If we want baths for the men, our +Mr. Carfax, who speaks a language which the inhabitants pretend to +understand, goes round to the householders and explains the necessity. +Should there be any difficulty he explains further that it would be +_much_ better, don't they think, and _much_ more convenient if the +men visited the houses, rather than that baths should be carried to +some central place? It is invariably found to be preferable for all +concerned. + +Bathing has now become a pleasure to all, except, perhaps, to +Nijinsky, our Pole from Commercial Road, East. On being presented +(for the first time, I gather) to a first-class bathroom with geyser +complete, he evinced signs of great uneasiness. In fact he seemed to +think that this was making a parade of a purely private matter. The +Sergeant-Major, being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the +thing a trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his hands in characteristic +fashion and said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, anyhow," and +they left him to it. The rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and leaving the gas on, of a loud +explosion and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and frightened, fleeing +through the main street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently I heard +him expressing forcibly a fixed determination never, _never_ to be +persuaded against his will again. + +Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be a Hun. Every day we go about +telling one another what Huns we are and how we love our hunnishness. +And yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I don't believe all our +efforts amount to anything really; they wouldn't deceive a child--and +in fact they don't. For ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have acquired an extraordinarily +good imitation of Tommy's salute, and, though Subalterns and +Sergeant-Majors may go about gnashing their teeth and wearing +expressions of frightful ferocity, still the youngsters grin +fearlessly as they raise their tiny fingers. They know it isn't real. +They know a Hun when they see him all right; what child doesn't? + +And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking one of them up from the gutter the +other day and soothing its tears with the baby-talk of all nations. I +told him he was fraternising abominably and was not being a true Hun. + +"Well," he said, "you can't leave a child yelling in a puddle, can +you?" + +And, damn it, you can't, so what's the use of trying to be hunnish? + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who is +searching for a tip)_. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +RAPID PROMOTION. + +From a Parliamentary report:-- + + "Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General Seely said ... General + Seely, replying ..."--_Daily Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "The canonical proceedings for the beatification of Pope Pius IX. + and Christopher Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As the + result of a very close investigation, it was decided that these + two candidates lacked certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. + had signed death sentences and Christopher Columbus was held + responsible for massacres."--_Sunday Paper_. + +This news, we understand, has caused a painful impression at +Amerongen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)_. "ONE MORE +QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN _YOU_ COOK?" + +_Her Ladyship_. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER." + +_Cook_. "OH--DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL +MISTRESS."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE. + +In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to +their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of +doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some +useful results might follow. + +None did. + +The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once +the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the +least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little +serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific +investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds +as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and +poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.) + +Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could +affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance +of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be +out in the cold. + +A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was +necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection. +Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his +papers and left the room. + +Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best +preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick +clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an +excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his +patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help. + +Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for +the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The +best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure +mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it. + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He +personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived +healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and +drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their +fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold. +Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left. + +Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience +colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing +the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served +to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so +freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered. + +Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of +Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last +speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was +so bad as to check them. + +Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far +more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there +was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably +manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a +long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting, +followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France. +(Loud coughs and cheers.) + +Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should +not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was +so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at +home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily +be contradicted by a competent authority. + +Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the +greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy. + +Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass +of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy. +Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses. + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve +manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which +time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one +who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer +Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause, +evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than +that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to +address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed. + +Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had +even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for +coal. + +Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so +efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the +habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free +from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace +Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers. + +Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed. + +Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention, +and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a +cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation. + +The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our +reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S +remarks, took his departure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour +party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T +THEY?" + +_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY +USED TO."] + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. + + "NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE. + + "To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4. + + * * * * * + + "HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON. + + "All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the + maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._ + +To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled +price: + + "Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could + assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not + within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been +conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise. + + * * * * * + + "When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If + the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight + persons the increase is 800 per cent. + + "How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of + 800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily + Sketch_. + +"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German +indemnity. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXXX. + +My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this +deal, I seem a model of innocence. + +Let me refresh your memory of the facts. + +In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in +the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I +was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom +we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and +another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood +at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as +you would put it, other things were equal. + +Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed +with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office, +said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go. +I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I +couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He +offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it +for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better +prosecution of the War. + +I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but +regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no +control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which +could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he +produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then +withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the +money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from +the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell +you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared. + +My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of +the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for +instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in +my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent +messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent. +Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually +declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer. + +There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin +would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds +which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the +rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man) +ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for +a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and +pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_. + +More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted +by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man +who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the +rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full +of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention +in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just +cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to +the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to +do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the +very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense" +basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs +profit_. + +That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well +have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I +thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the +Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England, +sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took +some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had +had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five +guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I +at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the +proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's +Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of +trouble again. + +Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it +was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed +character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out +orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and +twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice +as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell +me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption. + +I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer. + +I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government. + +With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as +representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion), + +I remain, + +Yours sincerely, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +PIVOTS. + + "Bermondsey Bill," who used to be + The idol of the N.S.C., + Began to fight in 17-- + P.T. instructor, very keen, + Teaching recruits to jab the faces + Of dummy Germans at the bases. + But Bill, I see, is booked to box + Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks, + And nobody should feel surprised + That Bill has been demobilised. + + Although the War upset, I fear, + John Jones's pacifist career, + He did not murmur or repine, + But hurried to the nearest mine, + And stuck it till the "refugees" + Were all transplanted overseas. + In France he saw some dreadful scenes + As salesman in E.F. canteens; + But when the Bosch had been chastised + _He_ was at once demobilised. + + A most diverting person, Brown-- + The "star" comedian in Town, + And, since he donned a posh Sam B., + O.C. Amusements, L. of C. + He steadfastly refused to whine + Because he never saw the Line, + But carried on, stout fellow, and + Is now at home, I understand. + A pivot so well-paid and prized + Just _had_ to be demobilised. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE +BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?" + +_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. +YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +OCCUPIED OPERA. + +It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and +as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between +the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the +German clerk in the box-office. + +I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his +whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for +the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The +demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the +military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated +every week. + +We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic +queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up +my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer, +a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind +round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R. +turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick +it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his +first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues, +and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance +of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the +situation had the attraction of novelty. + +By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was +going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we +moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the +relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was +over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing +to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for +next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!" + +How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in +which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In +vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the +world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but +Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_. +Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was +his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine +Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation, +vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last +he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the +authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window. + +I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two +mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have +happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an +order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the +ticket so unwarrantably withheld. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU +DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT." + +_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?" + +_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +PTERO-DACTYLS. + +(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._) + + Dædalus, once in the island of Crete, + Finding his host tried to limit his scenery, + Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet, + Went and invented some flying machinery; + Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks + Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any, + Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax, + Fitting another pair on to his progeny; + So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us, + First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus. + + Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail + (Science of old wasn't hard on her votary, + So little mention you find in the tale + Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary); + Silently skimming along in the air + Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer, + "Mind that your altitude's low, and beware + Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!" + Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it, + Flew in the face of his father and scouted it. + + Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun, + Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor; + Higher and higher he banked and he spun, + Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore. + "Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts? + Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty; + I'll find a method of stopping your stunts; + Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity." + Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em, + Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em). + + Down to the depths of the bottomless sea + Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity, + Leaving a name for the ages to be. + "Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity." + See from the sequel the fitness of things: + Nearly forgotten this early adventure is; + Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings + Still its revenge in the course of the centuries. + Over the sky, from the east to the west of it, + Man has decidedly now got the best of it. + + R.A.F. + + * * * * * + +TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS. + +Extract from a tradesman's circular:-- + + "Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite + shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your + Spring term requirements." + + * * * * * + + "A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough + Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_. + +But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our +bureaucrats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN +ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been +temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of +Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury +Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but +presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged. + +The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN +REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a +"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too +little of it was available. + +[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A +DEMOBILISATION ON?"] + +On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the +Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with +amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where +amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in +future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a +long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary." + +Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the +_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor. +How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present +position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate, +but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should +need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved +General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its +phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on +war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led +to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli. + +"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other +Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the +League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the +utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in +being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed +Power. + +A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening. +The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere +in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial +effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial. + +[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.] + +_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden +speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career. +Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential +in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a +dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by +the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report. + +No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary +curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear +complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded +for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston +Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily +clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as +lightning-conductor. + +The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape +from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet +girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly +stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all +knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive? + +_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR +were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently +suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of +Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord +SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his +full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where +they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together +until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of +Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went +through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the +"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about +subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If +the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as +missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial +fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed. +Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that +"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion. + +At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any +money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount +somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself +and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a +composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This +is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not +misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for +our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step. + +On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial +straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo, +and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour +leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members +of Parliament. + +_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners +as had not already saved them the trouble. + +History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD +enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase. +JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of +PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation. + +The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a +storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its +election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone +to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby +was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of +the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription." + +A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW +remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit +place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view +that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and +passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SENTINELS. + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the night + There are Fairy Sentinels + Watching till it's light; + If they ever went to sleep + The Big Clock would tell; + But, Left-Right! Left-Right! + They know their duty well; + I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear, + The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair! + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the day + There the Fairy Sentinels + Sleep the time away; + If you were to wake them up, + Think how tired they'd be, + So Tip-toe! Tip-toe! + Go upstairs quietly. + Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair-- + The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP." + +_He_. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."] + + * * * * * + +THE SPACE PROBLEM. + + The sad queues shiver in the drains + And do not get upon the bus; + Men battle round successive trains, + And each is yet more populous; + Twelve times a week I pay the fare, + But know not when I last sat down; + It almost looks as if there were + Too many people in the town. + + I know not where they all may dwell; + I know my lease is up in May; + I know I said, "Oh, very well, + I'll take a house down Dorking way;" + I scoured the spacious countryside, + I found no residence to spare, + And it is not to be denied + There are too many people there. + + They say the birth-rate's sadly low; + They say the death-rate tends to soar; + So how we manage I don't know + To go on growing more and more; + Let statistology prefer + To think the race is nice and small, + But how do all these crowds occur, + And who the dickens are they all? + + Where do they come from? Where on earth + In olden days did they reside, + When there was really lots of birth + And hardly anybody died? + Where had this multitude its lair? + Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt; + I only wish they'd go back there + And leave me room to move about; + + And leave some little house for me + In any shire, in any town, + Or, otherwise, myself must flee + And build a dug-out in a down; + If none may settle on the land, + Yet might one settle underground + (Provided people understand + They must not come and dig all round). + + There will I dwell (alone) till death + And soothe my crowd-corroded soul; + And, when I breathe my latest breath, + Let no man move me from my hole; + Let but a little earth be cast, + And someone write above the tomb: + "_Here had the poet peace at last; + Here only had he elbow-room._" + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE SWEET-SHOP. + +It was a mean street somewhere in the wilderness of Fulham. How I +got there I don't exactly know; all that I am clear about is that I +was trying, on insufficient data, to make a short cut. Twilight was +falling, there was a slight drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London. + +Here and there, breaking the monotony of dark house-fronts, were +little isolated shops, which gave a touch of colour to the drabness. I +paused before one of them, through whose small and dim window a light +shed a melancholy beam upon the pavement. Nothing seemed to be sold +there, for the window was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," "pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." +Apparently the shop had sold out. + +I was on the point of turning away when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an ancient dame began to take +certain jars from the window and fill them with sweets from boxes on +the counter. Evidently a new stock had just arrived. Then I remembered +that sweets had been "freed." + +A little girl stopped beside me, stared through the window and +then ran off at top speed. Within a couple of minutes half-a-dozen +youngsters were peering into the shop, and a pair of them marched in, +consulting earnestly as they went. The news spread; more children +arrived. I distributed a largesse of pennies which gave me a +popularity I have never achieved before. The street seemed to take on +a different aspect. I almost liked it. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD DOG. + +There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti getting to be an +old dog, but he has already got there. He _is_ an old dog. Yet the +change in the case of this beloved little Pekinese has been so gradual +that until it was accomplished few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as +it seemed, Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the crown of +the road and refused to stir from it though all the hooters of Europe +endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day he is still a challenger of +motor-cars; but he hurls his defiance with less assurance and has been +seen to retire before the advance of a motor-bicycle. + +Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, let us hope +with accuracy, a _cruda viridisque senectus_. Quite a short time ago +his muzzle, like the rest of him, was as black as ebony. Now he wears +a pair of thick white moustachios, which are comparable only with +those worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE. + +In another way too our little dog gives proof that his years are +advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the moment of the +_promenade_; not that he intended thus to show any deference to the +humans who were inviting him to take a walk, but that he thought it +was a fine manly thing to do, and one that might bring about that +fight of his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to which +he looked forward as to one of his unachieved pleasures. He therefore +fell not more than one hundred yards behind his accompanists, and when +this was pointed out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up +and rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he still barks +a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at once to lag, and is +found in an armchair when the party returns. It is vain to remind +him that in the old days he was called the little black feather for +the lightness of his gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce +nor'-easter. Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:-- + + "Attend to your duty, + My brave little Soo-ti, + There isn't much sun in the sky: + But we've sported together + In all kinds of weather, + My little black feather and I." + +It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and plain prose +is equally ineffective when once he has made up his mind that he +doesn't mean to move. + +One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly describe. He is +always much agitated when his mistress packs her boxes to depart to an +institution for higher education of which she is a member. While this +is going forward, Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to +couch in the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, to +leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, and to sink down +with a sigh of satisfaction on what was once a very artistic bit of +packing. I do not say that this trick is entirely due to old age. +Nearly all dogs do it. Only there was on the last occasion a special +anxiety, and a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back soon, so that +we may meet again before my eyes grow dim and my ears lose their +keenness." + + * * * * * + + "In future all unmarried men and women having an income of $1,000 + will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed unless + their income is over $1,500,000."--_Canadian Gazette_. + +The poor fellows must have some compensation. + + * * * * * + +THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP. + + ["C.K.S.," in _The Sphere_, describing his numerous visits to + GEORGE MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can + he claim to have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I + always make the test of intimate friendship when people call one + another by their Christian names."] + + The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S." + Is intimacy's truest test; but "George," + When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess) + Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge; + And to the end he never got beyond + The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond. + + How sad to think this barrier was never + Demolished, broken down and swept away, + But still remained to sunder and to sever + Two of the choicest spirits of our day! + For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind, + On this one point showed an inclement mind. + + The case was simplified in days of eld; + HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name, + And an Athenian bookman, if impelled + To visit him at Chios, when he came + Across the blind old poet and beach-comber, + Addressed him probably _tout court_ as HOMER. + + PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim-- + Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic; + And SHORTER could not have accosted him + By _sobriquets_ endearing or ecstatic; + It would have certainly provoked a scene, + For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean." + + Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited + As an illustrious brother of the quill, + Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted + To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill," + And in the small uproarious hours A.M. + Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"? + + Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed; + Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain; + What might have been can never be revealed, + But one momentous fact at least is plain: + We know from an authoritative quarter + That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER. + + * * * * * + +THE TWOPENNY EGG. + +The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the twopenny egg." +On making inquiries we learn that this phenomenon will be invisible +at Greenwich, but may be viewed from the North of Scotland, a region +happily less inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions +have in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions differ as +to the best point for observation, but it is probable that the island +of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen. + + * * * * * + + "Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all + know that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all + icy suspicion."--_Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star"._ + +It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted. + + * * * * * + + "The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he + met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged + to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot + belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp + instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet + completely healed."--_Evening Paper_. + +The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great +Bear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOPED LION. A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.] + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE. + +True sportsmen will regret Mr. ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, "I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve." + +By "improve" he no doubt meant that when we ring up a number in future +we shall simply get it; that people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect. + +I only hope the improvement will be delayed until I get my own back. I +have been playing rather a bad line lately, and only this morning lost +a set by one game to two. + + * * * * * + +The operator won the first game before I could get into my stride. +She rang me up three times in five minutes, and each time put me on +to nobody. This was a very bad start, and I determined that I must +at least give her a game. So the third time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular ring arrangement up and down. There is +always a chance that your signal may be working, and it annoys the +operator. But she beat me by a swift stroke. + +"What number do you want?" she asked cynically. I said, "Well played, +Sir--Madam!" Then she rubbed it in with a parting shot: "Sorry you +have been terroubled," she said, and cut me off. Love--one. + + * * * * * + +"Hullo!" I said, when my bell rang the next time. + +"Put me through to Extension 8, please." + +The only thing to do with this sort of shot is to return it safely. + +"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one." + +"Haven't _what_?" he said. + +"Got one." + +"One what?" + +"Extension." + +Then he became annoyed and shouted, "Aren't you the War Office?" + +"No," I answered, "I am not the War Office." + +"Aren't you the War Off--" + +But I clapped on my receiver. In fact I clapped it on so violently +that I thought I had silenced the thing for good and all. + +A series of tugging ineffective clicks on the part of my bell decided +me to investigate. This move on my part was to win me the game. + +I took off my receiver and listened. No answer. I banged the rigging. +No answer. I banged and thumped. + +"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, "I am attending to you as +quickly as I can. What number do you want?" + +"Well," I explained, "as a matter of fact I don't want a number. +I only wondered if my line was all right. Sorry you have been +terroubled," and I cut her off. One--all. + + * * * * * + +The third and last game started briskly. In the course of the first +ten minutes I was rung up and asked if I was-- + +1. The Timber Control. + +2. Mr. Awl or All. + +3. The Timber Control (again). + +4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my +head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.") + +My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he, +rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me. +In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator, +without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This +must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the +emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it +is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the +Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded. + +She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by +and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I +was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said +she would have my line seen to. + +The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift +stroke. My bell rang. + +"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have +received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a +man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon." + +This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches: +of the Telephone Engineering Department. + +"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's +sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off, +there's a good fellow." + +"But I thought there was something wrong--" + +"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved +better in its life. It's a positive joy to me." + +I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at +all times. But I had lost the set. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION. + +_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?" + +_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is +slate."] + + * * * * * + + "On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of + the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in + pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in + Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Personally we were not bidding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE, +CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK." + +_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._ +"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL." + +_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM +BEHIND."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +When a story bears the attractive title of _The House of Courage_ +(DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of 1914 with a number of +pleasantly prosperous people whose faith in the continuance of this +prosperity is frequently emphasised ("as if they had a contract with +God Almighty" is how an observant character phrases it); and when, +in the first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans in +a Soho restaurant--well, it requires no great guessing to tell what +will happen before we are through with it. And, in fact, Mrs. VICTOR +RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; though with this novelty, +that the hero's experiences of service are almost entirely gained in a +German prison-camp. As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault that the +earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting society in County +Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than the scenes of boredom +and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed as these are and almost +over-realistic and convincing. Inevitably too the scheme is one of +incident rather than character. One has never any very serious doubt +that in the long run the hero, _Kennedy_, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly unworthy +_Harrington_. But as part of the long run was from Crefeld to the +Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that you can imagine (and a few +more, including an admirable thrill almost on the post), one is left +with the comfortable feeling that the prize was well earned. You will +rightly judge that most of _The House of Courage_ is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; but it +remains an excellent yarn. + + * * * * * + +When _Esmé Hillier_, possessed by _The Imp_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed the hero (to whom she +had had no previous introduction) into the sea. I have some sympathy +with her energetic protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the +age of sixteen should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. _Esmé_, a pained spectator, showed her public +spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act she sealed her own +fate, for after this it was inevitable that they should ultimately +marry each other, the girl of the kissing episode notwithstanding. The +immediate incentive to their union, which was by the Scotch method, +was that _Esmé_ had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and _Tourntourq_, the +Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. Though married +in haste they did not wait for leisure before they repented, but +commenced quarrelling at once, until _Esmé_, in order to test his love +and that of an admirer who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" +her hair and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this they +separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, who was really +quite a nice person, was killed, and _Tourntourq_, who was apparently +a lunatic, though that is not stated in so many words, was blinded. +It seems quite superfluous to add that _Tourntourq_ wins the V.C. and +recovers both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there are such +good patches in the book that I cannot help hoping that some day +WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand (I feel it is _her_ hand) at another, +which I shall really believe in all through. + + * * * * * + +Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely unprolific. So I +was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE WILSON FOX bravely keeping the +old flag flying with a story bearing the gallant title, _Too Near the +Throne_ (S.P.C.K.). I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly +shrewd guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as pretext for an +abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You can see that in practised +hands (as here) and decorated with a pretty trimming of sentiment, +abductions, witch-finding and other appropriate accessories, +this furnishes a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought +disappointed that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, and +that, having started "too near the throne," the tale subsequently gave +it so wide a berth. But this is no great fault. I can witness that +Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one essential quality of the historical +novelist in her appreciation of picturesque raiment. Almost indeed she +emulates those jewelled paragraphs in which the creator of _Windsor +Castle_ would fill half a chapter with a riot of sartorial +coruscations. As a birthday present, say for an appreciative niece, I +can think of few volumes whose welcome would be better assured. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in _St. George and the Dragon_ +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last St. George's +Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future which he delivered up +and down America from January to August of last year. Since then +many things have happened. But nothing has happened that can make Mr. +MASEFIELD other than proud of the part he has played in explaining and +glorifying his country's cause and commending it to the hearts and +minds of all good Americans. I confess that when I took up the book +and read the first few lines I was afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had +yielded to the temptation of delivering his speech in poetical prose +of a faintly Biblical character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time +I did not know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. I +could fill a speech with thanks and praise--thanks for the kindness +and welcome which have met me up and down this land wherever I have +gone, and praise for the great national effort which I have seen in so +many places and felt everywhere." Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned +this manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid pedestrian +style. But he did not disdain to go so far in flattery of the +Americans, his audience, as to use the word "gotten" for the past +tense of the verb "to get." + + * * * * * + +There can be few Irishmen who look at their England with such +affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. _Tales of War_ (FISHER UNWIN) is +full of this sweet theme. The first of the tales is a fine story of +the Daleswood men who, cut off from their supports and worried because +there would be none left in their native village to carry on the +Daleswood breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to surrender. +But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood form, they (for their +last hours, as they thought) fell to recalling the familiar beauties +of their old home and to cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of +their names for remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of +the home memories, when, in another marooned party, the Sargeant that +was keeper begins with a vision of sausages and mashed and goes on +to the birds and beasts and flowers and soft noises of English woods +at night. And in a half-dozen other sketches. And it is good to find +an Irishman and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing a great deal +into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched in with a conscious +art, should find a place on our shelves among the war records which +our children are to read. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. + +_War Profiteer_. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did _I_ know yer wanted +a toy?"] + + * * * * * + + "When the wife of President Wilson was in London she spent + hours shopping in Regent Street and other quaint sections of + London."--_Daily Gleaner_. + +Regent Street _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving a loving cut from + Halifax citizens, described how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a + few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing + a single revolution of the propellers."--_Australian Paper_. + +One good cut deserves another. + + * * * * * + +THE INFLUENZA-MASK. + + "Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle + And caused the _Wacht an Rhein_ to lose its job, + Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle + And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob-- + Shall I allow each little grinning urchin + To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink + For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin? + No, no! I do _not_ think. + + "My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting + And lay me under Balham's local curse; + There be--I know it--those in Upper Tooting + Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse; + But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket + Millions will bless me!--more I cannot ask; + So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it! + And, Jane, bring forth the mask!" + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 *** |