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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11094-0.txt b/11094-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe02444 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1766 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11094-h.htm or 11094-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h/11094-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +MARCH 12, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The spread of influenza is said to be greatly assisted by +"germ-carriers." We can't think why germs should be carried. Let +'em walk. + + *** + +According to _The Sunday Express_ a young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was also a murder confession in the +Press last week. + + *** + +"Whitehall," says a Society organ, "has succumbed to the Jazz, the +Fox-trot and the Bunny-hug." It still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling. + + *** + +A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he was suffering +from an attack of influenza and had taken some whisky. Yes, but where +from? + + *** + +We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," which appeared +in a daily paper the other day, misled a great number of sufferers, +who at once wrote to say that they were prepared to make the exchange. + + *** + +It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car has been +produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced by pedestrians +when being run over by a car is said to have been eliminated. + + *** + +Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the pancake thrown to +the boys at Westminster School in the presence of the KING and QUEEN +appeared to fall flat. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the little Kensington boy who was tossed by +a huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is stated to be going on nicely. + + *** + +Five hundred and twenty-seven pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone magistrate. Why this +invidious distinction? + + *** + +"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in +his own home against everyone but his wife." It is surmised that his +Honour never kept a cook. + + *** + +We are informed that the dispute between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has been settled by the latter name +being changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union." + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour the creation of a new Order for +deserving Welshmen. The revival of the Order of the Golden Fleece +is suggested. + + *** + +A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of +"satin-walnut hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had +had its day. + + *** + +Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier stated that he remembered +nothing about his second marriage and pleaded that he was +absent-minded. A very good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married. + + *** + +A sorry blow has been dealt at those who maintain we are not a +commercial race. "You gave me prussic acid in mistake for quinine this +morning," a man told a chemist the other day. "Is that so?" said the +chemist; "then you owe me another twopence." + + *** + +For the benefit of those about to emigrate we have pleasure in +furnishing the exclusive information that very shortly there will +be big openings in America for corkscrew-straighteners. + + *** + +We are now able to state that the wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without a hymeneal ode from the POET +LAUREATE. + + *** + +We understand that a lady operator who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other day would have been severely +reprimanded but for her plea that she mistook him for a subscriber. + + *** + +It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In +these days of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot. + + *** + +We hear privately that one of our leading dailies has fixed April 14th +as the date on which its office "correspondent" will first hear the +note of the cuckoo in Epping Forest. + + *** + +Several suspicious cases of sickness are reported among the aborigines +of New South Wales. It is not yet known whether they are due to +influenza or to the native custom of partaking heavily of snakepie on +the eve of Lent. + + *** + +Nottingham will hold its six hundred and fifty-eighth annual Goose +Fair this year, and a local paper has made a distinct hit by stating +that it is "the oldest gathering of its kind except the House of +Commons." + + *** + +President EBERT, according to the _Frankfort Gazette_, is to have a +Chief Master of Ceremonies. One of his first duties, in which he will +have the advice of prominent musicians, will be to fix an authorised +style of eating _Sauerkraut_ which shall be impressive yet devoid of +ostentation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a +certain London restaurant at night have supper given to them by the +management.] + +_First Taxi_. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?" + +_Second ditto_. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD +BEAN."] + + * * * * * + + "A woman's sphere was her own home, that she should earn her own + living was inimical to domestic happiness; it was almost contra + bonus morus, which is a very serious thing indeed."--_Scots + Paper_. + +It certainly would be for Smith mi. if he said it in class. + + * * * * * + + "The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles ----, a full-blooded + Sioux Indian, and the only full-blooded literary man among the + North American Indians."--_American Paper_. + +We could spare some of our full-blooded, literary men if there is a +shortage in America. + + * * * * * + +MONUMENTS OF THE WAR. + + Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay + Our triumphs gathered all across the map; + Lest other topics--like the weather, say, + Or jazzing--should supplant the recent scrap; + Or lest a future race whose careless lot + Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid + Millennial balm, be unaware of what + (Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;-- + + Let such invite our architects to plan + Great monumental works in steel and stone, + Certain to catch the eye of any man + And make our victories generally known; + Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built, + In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set, + And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:-- + "IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET." + + Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored, + Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest, + Baring her ravaged beauty to record + The Culture of the Bosch when at his best; + At Albert, even where it bit the ground, + Low let the Image lie and tell its fate, + Poignant memento, like our own renowned + ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate). + + For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween, + Sufficiently recall these fateful years; + I need no monument for keeping green + All that I suffered in the Volunteers; + Therefore I urge the Army Council, at + Its earliest leisure, please--next week would do-- + To raze the hutments opposite my flat, + That still impinge on my riparian view. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES. + +It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be demobilised, that I +decided to buy a pair of warm gloves from Ordnance. + +After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. Depot, the +Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., I found myself, at the end +of a morning's strenuous walking, confronted by notices on a closed +door stating that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment Issue +Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would re-open at 14.00. + +I went away to lunch. + +At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and entered. From +14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the R.A.F. smoking cigarettes +and choosing a pair of socks, and studied notices to the effect that +this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that only Officers +were permitted to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office would close at +16.00. + +At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, he had an +appointment at three, and would return, old bean--er, Corporal--in +the morning to see about those dashed socks. The Corporal behind +the counter blew away a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me +distrustfully. + +"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, woollen, +knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence." + +"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. I'll take them +now." + +But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, watching +another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate for gloves, +woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, pairs one. At 15.05 I was +in another building, getting the indent stamped and countersigned. +At 15.12 I was in another building, exchanging it for a buff form in +duplicate. At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went through +the motions of taking up the gloves. + +"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding them away; "you +must first produce your Field Advance Book as a proof of identity." + +"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I explained. "You +see, in Egypt, where I come from--that is, I was attached, you know, +to the--well, in short, I haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I +said before. But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof--they +do that in Egypt, you know--and I have my identity discs, my +demobilisation papers, my cheque-book--oh, and heaps of other things +which would prove to you that I am really me. Besides, my name is sewn +inside the back of my tunic. _And_ my shirt," I added hopefully. + +"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the Corporal coldly, +"your only course is to obtain a certificate of identity from the Camp +Commandant." + +"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take me a +quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office and another +quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get a certificate of identity +under an hour and a-half. It is now twenty-five past three. You close +at four. To-morrow morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... +You see how impossible it all is, Corporal." + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to issue the gloves +without your Field Advance Book or a certificate of identity." + +"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, Corporal, how cold it +will be across Italy and France without gloves. I've been in the East +for over four years, and I might get pneumonia and die, you know." + +"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. "It may not take so +long as you think." + + * * * * * + +At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office with my A.B.64, +identity discs, demobilisation papers and cheque-book ready to hand, +and my tunic loosened at the neck. + +At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence. + +At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, with a +certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest piece of work I +have ever known in the Army. And I might have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in +disguise for all they knew in the office--or cared. + + * * * * * + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment Issue +Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to another officer while +you were away." + +ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +ON HALF RATIONS. + + "Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable + home. Treated as _one_ of the family."--_Daily Paper_. + +The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this niggardly +arrangement. + + * * * * * + + "V.A.D.--Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., + Piano, Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital + closing down and having same for sale, kindly communicate + with Secretary."--_Times_. + +We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected to do under +the piano and billiard table, but we presume that her consent would be +required, and that she would not be sold, so to speak, over her own +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TURN OF THE TIDE. + +JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_AMATEUR THEATRICAL REHEARSAL_. + +_Author_. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK _MY_ LINES, AND +THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH." + +_Tommy (on short leave)_. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY +LEAVE?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE RHINE. + +I. + +"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and infamous Hun, I am, I am." + +We are obliged to repeat this continually to ourselves in order to +present the stern and forbidding air which is supposed to mark our +dealings with the inhabitants. For, look you, we have usurped the +place of the Royal Jocks on the "right flank of the British Army," and +are on outpost duty, with our right resting on the bank of the Rhine, +while in front the notice-boards, "Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare +at us. + +No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, pay-through-the-nose people +that we were. No longer does our daily routine include the smile for +Mademoiselle, the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny for the little +ones. No, we steel ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted to +us, and struggle to offer a perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum." + +What does Thomas think of it all? Well, to tell the truth, I haven't +caught him thinking very much about it. Gloating seems foreign to his +nature somehow, and I don't think he will ever make a really good +Hun. He is rather like a child who for four years has been crying +incessantly for the moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, I'm glad +I've got it; now let's get on with something else," and takes not the +slightest interest in the silly old moon he has acquired with so much +trouble. + +There are two things to which he cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the inhabitants and the realisation +that his laboriously acquired knowledge of the French language is no +longer of any avail. He will never quite get over the former of these +two disabilities, but he is coping courageously with the latter. +For instance, in place of the "No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" now +explains that "Your saucepan I borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of environment makes very little +difference to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart and the necessary +rations, a British oasis will appear and be prepared to flourish in +any old desert you like. + +No, I am wrong. There is another difficulty which as yet he has not +been able entirely to overcome. I cannot describe the consternation +which came over the Company when I informed them that there was no +longer any need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. At first they +thought it was just a Company Commander's humour and paid it the usual +compliments of the parade; but when they found I was serious they were +simply appalled. It was as if I had taken the very spice out of their +existence. Not to be able to go out and "win" a handful of fuel for +the evening's fug and for the brewing of those unwholesome messes in +the tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could not have propounded a more +revolutionary principle. Heartbroken some of the old soldiers came +to me afterwards. "What are we to do, Sir?" they said. "We only go +on guard four hours in sixteen; we must do something the rest of the +time." Sternly I bade them think of scrounging as a thing of the +past--a thing of glorious memory only to be spoken of round the fires +at home. If they wanted anything in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it. + +For let me tell you, all you demobilised wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life were matters of private +enterprise--let me tell you that in this village, if I say that I +require coal, _coal is here_, and with it the Bürgermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We must have beds? The spare beds +of the village are forthcoming. If we want baths for the men, our +Mr. Carfax, who speaks a language which the inhabitants pretend to +understand, goes round to the householders and explains the necessity. +Should there be any difficulty he explains further that it would be +_much_ better, don't they think, and _much_ more convenient if the +men visited the houses, rather than that baths should be carried to +some central place? It is invariably found to be preferable for all +concerned. + +Bathing has now become a pleasure to all, except, perhaps, to +Nijinsky, our Pole from Commercial Road, East. On being presented +(for the first time, I gather) to a first-class bathroom with geyser +complete, he evinced signs of great uneasiness. In fact he seemed to +think that this was making a parade of a purely private matter. The +Sergeant-Major, being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the +thing a trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his hands in characteristic +fashion and said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, anyhow," and +they left him to it. The rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and leaving the gas on, of a loud +explosion and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and frightened, fleeing +through the main street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently I heard +him expressing forcibly a fixed determination never, _never_ to be +persuaded against his will again. + +Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be a Hun. Every day we go about +telling one another what Huns we are and how we love our hunnishness. +And yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I don't believe all our +efforts amount to anything really; they wouldn't deceive a child--and +in fact they don't. For ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have acquired an extraordinarily +good imitation of Tommy's salute, and, though Subalterns and +Sergeant-Majors may go about gnashing their teeth and wearing +expressions of frightful ferocity, still the youngsters grin +fearlessly as they raise their tiny fingers. They know it isn't real. +They know a Hun when they see him all right; what child doesn't? + +And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking one of them up from the gutter the +other day and soothing its tears with the baby-talk of all nations. I +told him he was fraternising abominably and was not being a true Hun. + +"Well," he said, "you can't leave a child yelling in a puddle, can +you?" + +And, damn it, you can't, so what's the use of trying to be hunnish? + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who is +searching for a tip)_. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +RAPID PROMOTION. + +From a Parliamentary report:-- + + "Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General Seely said ... General + Seely, replying ..."--_Daily Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "The canonical proceedings for the beatification of Pope Pius IX. + and Christopher Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As the + result of a very close investigation, it was decided that these + two candidates lacked certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. + had signed death sentences and Christopher Columbus was held + responsible for massacres."--_Sunday Paper_. + +This news, we understand, has caused a painful impression at +Amerongen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)_. "ONE MORE +QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN _YOU_ COOK?" + +_Her Ladyship_. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER." + +_Cook_. "OH--DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL +MISTRESS."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE. + +In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to +their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of +doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some +useful results might follow. + +None did. + +The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once +the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the +least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little +serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific +investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds +as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and +poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.) + +Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could +affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance +of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be +out in the cold. + +A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was +necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection. +Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his +papers and left the room. + +Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best +preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick +clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an +excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his +patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help. + +Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for +the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The +best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure +mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it. + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He +personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived +healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and +drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their +fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold. +Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left. + +Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience +colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing +the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served +to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so +freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered. + +Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of +Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last +speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was +so bad as to check them. + +Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far +more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there +was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably +manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a +long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting, +followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France. +(Loud coughs and cheers.) + +Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should +not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was +so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at +home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily +be contradicted by a competent authority. + +Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the +greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy. + +Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass +of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy. +Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses. + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve +manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which +time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one +who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer +Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause, +evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than +that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to +address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed. + +Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had +even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for +coal. + +Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so +efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the +habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free +from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace +Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers. + +Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed. + +Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention, +and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a +cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation. + +The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our +reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S +remarks, took his departure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour +party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T +THEY?" + +_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY +USED TO."] + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. + + "NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE. + + "To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4. + + * * * * * + + "HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON. + + "All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the + maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._ + +To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled +price: + + "Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could + assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not + within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been +conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise. + + * * * * * + + "When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If + the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight + persons the increase is 800 per cent. + + "How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of + 800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily + Sketch_. + +"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German +indemnity. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXXX. + +My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this +deal, I seem a model of innocence. + +Let me refresh your memory of the facts. + +In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in +the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I +was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom +we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and +another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood +at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as +you would put it, other things were equal. + +Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed +with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office, +said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go. +I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I +couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He +offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it +for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better +prosecution of the War. + +I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but +regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no +control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which +could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he +produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then +withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the +money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from +the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell +you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared. + +My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of +the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for +instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in +my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent +messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent. +Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually +declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer. + +There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin +would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds +which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the +rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man) +ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for +a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and +pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_. + +More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted +by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man +who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the +rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full +of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention +in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just +cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to +the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to +do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the +very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense" +basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs +profit_. + +That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well +have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I +thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the +Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England, +sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took +some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had +had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five +guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I +at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the +proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's +Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of +trouble again. + +Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it +was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed +character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out +orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and +twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice +as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell +me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption. + +I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer. + +I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government. + +With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as +representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion), + +I remain, + +Yours sincerely, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +PIVOTS. + + "Bermondsey Bill," who used to be + The idol of the N.S.C., + Began to fight in 17-- + P.T. instructor, very keen, + Teaching recruits to jab the faces + Of dummy Germans at the bases. + But Bill, I see, is booked to box + Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks, + And nobody should feel surprised + That Bill has been demobilised. + + Although the War upset, I fear, + John Jones's pacifist career, + He did not murmur or repine, + But hurried to the nearest mine, + And stuck it till the "refugees" + Were all transplanted overseas. + In France he saw some dreadful scenes + As salesman in E.F. canteens; + But when the Bosch had been chastised + _He_ was at once demobilised. + + A most diverting person, Brown-- + The "star" comedian in Town, + And, since he donned a posh Sam B., + O.C. Amusements, L. of C. + He steadfastly refused to whine + Because he never saw the Line, + But carried on, stout fellow, and + Is now at home, I understand. + A pivot so well-paid and prized + Just _had_ to be demobilised. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE +BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?" + +_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. +YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +OCCUPIED OPERA. + +It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and +as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between +the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the +German clerk in the box-office. + +I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his +whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for +the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The +demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the +military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated +every week. + +We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic +queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up +my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer, +a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind +round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R. +turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick +it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his +first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues, +and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance +of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the +situation had the attraction of novelty. + +By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was +going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we +moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the +relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was +over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing +to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for +next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!" + +How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in +which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In +vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the +world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but +Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_. +Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was +his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine +Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation, +vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last +he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the +authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window. + +I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two +mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have +happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an +order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the +ticket so unwarrantably withheld. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU +DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT." + +_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?" + +_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +PTERO-DACTYLS. + +(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._) + + Dædalus, once in the island of Crete, + Finding his host tried to limit his scenery, + Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet, + Went and invented some flying machinery; + Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks + Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any, + Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax, + Fitting another pair on to his progeny; + So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us, + First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus. + + Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail + (Science of old wasn't hard on her votary, + So little mention you find in the tale + Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary); + Silently skimming along in the air + Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer, + "Mind that your altitude's low, and beware + Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!" + Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it, + Flew in the face of his father and scouted it. + + Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun, + Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor; + Higher and higher he banked and he spun, + Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore. + "Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts? + Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty; + I'll find a method of stopping your stunts; + Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity." + Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em, + Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em). + + Down to the depths of the bottomless sea + Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity, + Leaving a name for the ages to be. + "Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity." + See from the sequel the fitness of things: + Nearly forgotten this early adventure is; + Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings + Still its revenge in the course of the centuries. + Over the sky, from the east to the west of it, + Man has decidedly now got the best of it. + + R.A.F. + + * * * * * + +TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS. + +Extract from a tradesman's circular:-- + + "Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite + shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your + Spring term requirements." + + * * * * * + + "A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough + Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_. + +But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our +bureaucrats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN +ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been +temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of +Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury +Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but +presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged. + +The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN +REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a +"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too +little of it was available. + +[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A +DEMOBILISATION ON?"] + +On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the +Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with +amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where +amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in +future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a +long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary." + +Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the +_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor. +How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present +position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate, +but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should +need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved +General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its +phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on +war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led +to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli. + +"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other +Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the +League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the +utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in +being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed +Power. + +A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening. +The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere +in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial +effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial. + +[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.] + +_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden +speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career. +Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential +in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a +dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by +the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report. + +No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary +curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear +complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded +for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston +Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily +clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as +lightning-conductor. + +The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape +from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet +girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly +stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all +knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive? + +_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR +were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently +suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of +Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord +SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his +full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where +they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together +until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of +Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went +through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the +"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about +subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If +the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as +missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial +fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed. +Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that +"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion. + +At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any +money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount +somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself +and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a +composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This +is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not +misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for +our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step. + +On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial +straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo, +and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour +leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members +of Parliament. + +_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners +as had not already saved them the trouble. + +History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD +enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase. +JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of +PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation. + +The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a +storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its +election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone +to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby +was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of +the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription." + +A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW +remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit +place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view +that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and +passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SENTINELS. + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the night + There are Fairy Sentinels + Watching till it's light; + If they ever went to sleep + The Big Clock would tell; + But, Left-Right! Left-Right! + They know their duty well; + I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear, + The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair! + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the day + There the Fairy Sentinels + Sleep the time away; + If you were to wake them up, + Think how tired they'd be, + So Tip-toe! Tip-toe! + Go upstairs quietly. + Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair-- + The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP." + +_He_. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."] + + * * * * * + +THE SPACE PROBLEM. + + The sad queues shiver in the drains + And do not get upon the bus; + Men battle round successive trains, + And each is yet more populous; + Twelve times a week I pay the fare, + But know not when I last sat down; + It almost looks as if there were + Too many people in the town. + + I know not where they all may dwell; + I know my lease is up in May; + I know I said, "Oh, very well, + I'll take a house down Dorking way;" + I scoured the spacious countryside, + I found no residence to spare, + And it is not to be denied + There are too many people there. + + They say the birth-rate's sadly low; + They say the death-rate tends to soar; + So how we manage I don't know + To go on growing more and more; + Let statistology prefer + To think the race is nice and small, + But how do all these crowds occur, + And who the dickens are they all? + + Where do they come from? Where on earth + In olden days did they reside, + When there was really lots of birth + And hardly anybody died? + Where had this multitude its lair? + Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt; + I only wish they'd go back there + And leave me room to move about; + + And leave some little house for me + In any shire, in any town, + Or, otherwise, myself must flee + And build a dug-out in a down; + If none may settle on the land, + Yet might one settle underground + (Provided people understand + They must not come and dig all round). + + There will I dwell (alone) till death + And soothe my crowd-corroded soul; + And, when I breathe my latest breath, + Let no man move me from my hole; + Let but a little earth be cast, + And someone write above the tomb: + "_Here had the poet peace at last; + Here only had he elbow-room._" + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE SWEET-SHOP. + +It was a mean street somewhere in the wilderness of Fulham. How I +got there I don't exactly know; all that I am clear about is that I +was trying, on insufficient data, to make a short cut. Twilight was +falling, there was a slight drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London. + +Here and there, breaking the monotony of dark house-fronts, were +little isolated shops, which gave a touch of colour to the drabness. I +paused before one of them, through whose small and dim window a light +shed a melancholy beam upon the pavement. Nothing seemed to be sold +there, for the window was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," "pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." +Apparently the shop had sold out. + +I was on the point of turning away when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an ancient dame began to take +certain jars from the window and fill them with sweets from boxes on +the counter. Evidently a new stock had just arrived. Then I remembered +that sweets had been "freed." + +A little girl stopped beside me, stared through the window and +then ran off at top speed. Within a couple of minutes half-a-dozen +youngsters were peering into the shop, and a pair of them marched in, +consulting earnestly as they went. The news spread; more children +arrived. I distributed a largesse of pennies which gave me a +popularity I have never achieved before. The street seemed to take on +a different aspect. I almost liked it. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD DOG. + +There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti getting to be an +old dog, but he has already got there. He _is_ an old dog. Yet the +change in the case of this beloved little Pekinese has been so gradual +that until it was accomplished few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as +it seemed, Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the crown of +the road and refused to stir from it though all the hooters of Europe +endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day he is still a challenger of +motor-cars; but he hurls his defiance with less assurance and has been +seen to retire before the advance of a motor-bicycle. + +Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, let us hope +with accuracy, a _cruda viridisque senectus_. Quite a short time ago +his muzzle, like the rest of him, was as black as ebony. Now he wears +a pair of thick white moustachios, which are comparable only with +those worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE. + +In another way too our little dog gives proof that his years are +advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the moment of the +_promenade_; not that he intended thus to show any deference to the +humans who were inviting him to take a walk, but that he thought it +was a fine manly thing to do, and one that might bring about that +fight of his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to which +he looked forward as to one of his unachieved pleasures. He therefore +fell not more than one hundred yards behind his accompanists, and when +this was pointed out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up +and rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he still barks +a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at once to lag, and is +found in an armchair when the party returns. It is vain to remind +him that in the old days he was called the little black feather for +the lightness of his gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce +nor'-easter. Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:-- + + "Attend to your duty, + My brave little Soo-ti, + There isn't much sun in the sky: + But we've sported together + In all kinds of weather, + My little black feather and I." + +It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and plain prose +is equally ineffective when once he has made up his mind that he +doesn't mean to move. + +One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly describe. He is +always much agitated when his mistress packs her boxes to depart to an +institution for higher education of which she is a member. While this +is going forward, Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to +couch in the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, to +leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, and to sink down +with a sigh of satisfaction on what was once a very artistic bit of +packing. I do not say that this trick is entirely due to old age. +Nearly all dogs do it. Only there was on the last occasion a special +anxiety, and a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back soon, so that +we may meet again before my eyes grow dim and my ears lose their +keenness." + + * * * * * + + "In future all unmarried men and women having an income of $1,000 + will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed unless + their income is over $1,500,000."--_Canadian Gazette_. + +The poor fellows must have some compensation. + + * * * * * + +THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP. + + ["C.K.S.," in _The Sphere_, describing his numerous visits to + GEORGE MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can + he claim to have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I + always make the test of intimate friendship when people call one + another by their Christian names."] + + The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S." + Is intimacy's truest test; but "George," + When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess) + Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge; + And to the end he never got beyond + The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond. + + How sad to think this barrier was never + Demolished, broken down and swept away, + But still remained to sunder and to sever + Two of the choicest spirits of our day! + For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind, + On this one point showed an inclement mind. + + The case was simplified in days of eld; + HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name, + And an Athenian bookman, if impelled + To visit him at Chios, when he came + Across the blind old poet and beach-comber, + Addressed him probably _tout court_ as HOMER. + + PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim-- + Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic; + And SHORTER could not have accosted him + By _sobriquets_ endearing or ecstatic; + It would have certainly provoked a scene, + For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean." + + Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited + As an illustrious brother of the quill, + Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted + To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill," + And in the small uproarious hours A.M. + Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"? + + Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed; + Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain; + What might have been can never be revealed, + But one momentous fact at least is plain: + We know from an authoritative quarter + That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER. + + * * * * * + +THE TWOPENNY EGG. + +The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the twopenny egg." +On making inquiries we learn that this phenomenon will be invisible +at Greenwich, but may be viewed from the North of Scotland, a region +happily less inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions +have in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions differ as +to the best point for observation, but it is probable that the island +of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen. + + * * * * * + + "Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all + know that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all + icy suspicion."--_Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star"._ + +It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted. + + * * * * * + + "The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he + met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged + to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot + belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp + instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet + completely healed."--_Evening Paper_. + +The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great +Bear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOPED LION. A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.] + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE. + +True sportsmen will regret Mr. ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, "I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve." + +By "improve" he no doubt meant that when we ring up a number in future +we shall simply get it; that people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect. + +I only hope the improvement will be delayed until I get my own back. I +have been playing rather a bad line lately, and only this morning lost +a set by one game to two. + + * * * * * + +The operator won the first game before I could get into my stride. +She rang me up three times in five minutes, and each time put me on +to nobody. This was a very bad start, and I determined that I must +at least give her a game. So the third time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular ring arrangement up and down. There is +always a chance that your signal may be working, and it annoys the +operator. But she beat me by a swift stroke. + +"What number do you want?" she asked cynically. I said, "Well played, +Sir--Madam!" Then she rubbed it in with a parting shot: "Sorry you +have been terroubled," she said, and cut me off. Love--one. + + * * * * * + +"Hullo!" I said, when my bell rang the next time. + +"Put me through to Extension 8, please." + +The only thing to do with this sort of shot is to return it safely. + +"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one." + +"Haven't _what_?" he said. + +"Got one." + +"One what?" + +"Extension." + +Then he became annoyed and shouted, "Aren't you the War Office?" + +"No," I answered, "I am not the War Office." + +"Aren't you the War Off--" + +But I clapped on my receiver. In fact I clapped it on so violently +that I thought I had silenced the thing for good and all. + +A series of tugging ineffective clicks on the part of my bell decided +me to investigate. This move on my part was to win me the game. + +I took off my receiver and listened. No answer. I banged the rigging. +No answer. I banged and thumped. + +"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, "I am attending to you as +quickly as I can. What number do you want?" + +"Well," I explained, "as a matter of fact I don't want a number. +I only wondered if my line was all right. Sorry you have been +terroubled," and I cut her off. One--all. + + * * * * * + +The third and last game started briskly. In the course of the first +ten minutes I was rung up and asked if I was-- + +1. The Timber Control. + +2. Mr. Awl or All. + +3. The Timber Control (again). + +4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my +head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.") + +My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he, +rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me. +In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator, +without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This +must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the +emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it +is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the +Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded. + +She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by +and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I +was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said +she would have my line seen to. + +The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift +stroke. My bell rang. + +"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have +received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a +man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon." + +This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches: +of the Telephone Engineering Department. + +"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's +sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off, +there's a good fellow." + +"But I thought there was something wrong--" + +"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved +better in its life. It's a positive joy to me." + +I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at +all times. But I had lost the set. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION. + +_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?" + +_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is +slate."] + + * * * * * + + "On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of + the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in + pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in + Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Personally we were not bidding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE, +CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK." + +_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._ +"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL." + +_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM +BEHIND."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +When a story bears the attractive title of _The House of Courage_ +(DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of 1914 with a number of +pleasantly prosperous people whose faith in the continuance of this +prosperity is frequently emphasised ("as if they had a contract with +God Almighty" is how an observant character phrases it); and when, +in the first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans in +a Soho restaurant--well, it requires no great guessing to tell what +will happen before we are through with it. And, in fact, Mrs. VICTOR +RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; though with this novelty, +that the hero's experiences of service are almost entirely gained in a +German prison-camp. As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault that the +earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting society in County +Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than the scenes of boredom +and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed as these are and almost +over-realistic and convincing. Inevitably too the scheme is one of +incident rather than character. One has never any very serious doubt +that in the long run the hero, _Kennedy_, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly unworthy +_Harrington_. But as part of the long run was from Crefeld to the +Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that you can imagine (and a few +more, including an admirable thrill almost on the post), one is left +with the comfortable feeling that the prize was well earned. You will +rightly judge that most of _The House of Courage_ is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; but it +remains an excellent yarn. + + * * * * * + +When _Esmé Hillier_, possessed by _The Imp_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed the hero (to whom she +had had no previous introduction) into the sea. I have some sympathy +with her energetic protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the +age of sixteen should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. _Esmé_, a pained spectator, showed her public +spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act she sealed her own +fate, for after this it was inevitable that they should ultimately +marry each other, the girl of the kissing episode notwithstanding. The +immediate incentive to their union, which was by the Scotch method, +was that _Esmé_ had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and _Tourntourq_, the +Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. Though married +in haste they did not wait for leisure before they repented, but +commenced quarrelling at once, until _Esmé_, in order to test his love +and that of an admirer who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" +her hair and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this they +separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, who was really +quite a nice person, was killed, and _Tourntourq_, who was apparently +a lunatic, though that is not stated in so many words, was blinded. +It seems quite superfluous to add that _Tourntourq_ wins the V.C. and +recovers both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there are such +good patches in the book that I cannot help hoping that some day +WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand (I feel it is _her_ hand) at another, +which I shall really believe in all through. + + * * * * * + +Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely unprolific. So I +was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE WILSON FOX bravely keeping the +old flag flying with a story bearing the gallant title, _Too Near the +Throne_ (S.P.C.K.). I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly +shrewd guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as pretext for an +abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You can see that in practised +hands (as here) and decorated with a pretty trimming of sentiment, +abductions, witch-finding and other appropriate accessories, +this furnishes a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought +disappointed that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, and +that, having started "too near the throne," the tale subsequently gave +it so wide a berth. But this is no great fault. I can witness that +Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one essential quality of the historical +novelist in her appreciation of picturesque raiment. Almost indeed she +emulates those jewelled paragraphs in which the creator of _Windsor +Castle_ would fill half a chapter with a riot of sartorial +coruscations. As a birthday present, say for an appreciative niece, I +can think of few volumes whose welcome would be better assured. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in _St. George and the Dragon_ +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last St. George's +Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future which he delivered up +and down America from January to August of last year. Since then +many things have happened. But nothing has happened that can make Mr. +MASEFIELD other than proud of the part he has played in explaining and +glorifying his country's cause and commending it to the hearts and +minds of all good Americans. I confess that when I took up the book +and read the first few lines I was afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had +yielded to the temptation of delivering his speech in poetical prose +of a faintly Biblical character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time +I did not know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. I +could fill a speech with thanks and praise--thanks for the kindness +and welcome which have met me up and down this land wherever I have +gone, and praise for the great national effort which I have seen in so +many places and felt everywhere." Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned +this manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid pedestrian +style. But he did not disdain to go so far in flattery of the +Americans, his audience, as to use the word "gotten" for the past +tense of the verb "to get." + + * * * * * + +There can be few Irishmen who look at their England with such +affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. _Tales of War_ (FISHER UNWIN) is +full of this sweet theme. The first of the tales is a fine story of +the Daleswood men who, cut off from their supports and worried because +there would be none left in their native village to carry on the +Daleswood breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to surrender. +But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood form, they (for their +last hours, as they thought) fell to recalling the familiar beauties +of their old home and to cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of +their names for remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of +the home memories, when, in another marooned party, the Sargeant that +was keeper begins with a vision of sausages and mashed and goes on +to the birds and beasts and flowers and soft noises of English woods +at night. And in a half-dozen other sketches. And it is good to find +an Irishman and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing a great deal +into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched in with a conscious +art, should find a place on our shelves among the war records which +our children are to read. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. + +_War Profiteer_. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did _I_ know yer wanted +a toy?"] + + * * * * * + + "When the wife of President Wilson was in London she spent + hours shopping in Regent Street and other quaint sections of + London."--_Daily Gleaner_. + +Regent Street _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving a loving cut from + Halifax citizens, described how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a + few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing + a single revolution of the propellers."--_Australian Paper_. + +One good cut deserves another. + + * * * * * + +THE INFLUENZA-MASK. + + "Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle + And caused the _Wacht an Rhein_ to lose its job, + Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle + And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob-- + Shall I allow each little grinning urchin + To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink + For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin? + No, no! I do _not_ think. + + "My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting + And lay me under Balham's local curse; + There be--I know it--those in Upper Tooting + Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse; + But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket + Millions will bless me!--more I cannot ask; + So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it! + And, Jane, bring forth the mask!" + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 *** diff --git a/11094-h/11094-h.htm b/11094-h/11094-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..035c85f --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/11094-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2412 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919 +, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +March 12, 1919 +, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 12, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>The spread of influenza is said to be +greatly assisted by "germ-carriers." +We can't think why germs should be +carried. Let 'em walk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to <i>The Sunday Express</i> a +young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was +also a murder confession in the Press last week.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Whitehall," says a Society organ, +"has succumbed to the Jazz, the Fox-trot +and the Bunny-hug." It +still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he +was suffering from an attack of influenza and had taken +some whisky. Yes, but where from?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," +which appeared in a daily paper the other day, +misled a great number of sufferers, who at once wrote +to say that they were prepared to make the exchange.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car +has been produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced +by pedestrians when being run over by a car is said +to have been eliminated.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the +pancake thrown to the boys at Westminster School in the +presence of the KING and QUEEN appeared to fall flat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are glad to learn that the little +Kensington boy who was tossed by a +huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is +stated to be going on nicely.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Five hundred and twenty-seven +pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone +magistrate. Why this invidious +distinction?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL +of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in his +own home against everyone but his +wife." It is surmised that his Honour +never kept a cook.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are informed that the dispute +between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has +been settled by the latter name being +changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour +the creation of a new Order for deserving +Welshmen. The revival of the +Order of the Golden Fleece is suggested.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of "satin-walnut +hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had had its day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier +stated that he remembered nothing +about his second marriage and pleaded +that he was absent-minded. A very +good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A sorry blow has been dealt at those +who maintain we are not a commercial +race. "You gave me prussic acid in +mistake for quinine this morning," a +man told a chemist the other day. +"Is that so?" said the chemist; "then +you owe me another twopence."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>For the benefit of those about to +emigrate we have pleasure in furnishing +the exclusive information that very +shortly there will be big openings in +America for corkscrew-straighteners.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are now able to state that the +wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without +a hymeneal ode from the POET LAUREATE.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that a lady operator +who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other +day would have been severely reprimanded +but for her plea that she +mistook him for a subscriber.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In these days +of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We hear privately that one +of our leading dailies has fixed +April 14th as the date on which +its office "correspondent" will +first hear the note of the cuckoo +in Epping Forest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Several suspicious cases of +sickness are reported among +the aborigines of New South +Wales. It is not yet known +whether they are due to influenza +or to the native custom +of partaking heavily of snakepie +on the eve of Lent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Nottingham will hold its +six hundred and fifty-eighth +annual Goose Fair this year, +and a local paper has made +a distinct hit by stating that +it is "the oldest gathering of +its kind except the House of Commons."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>President EBERT, according +to the <i>Frankfort Gazette</i>, is to +have a Chief Master of Ceremonies. +One of his first duties, +in which he will have the advice of +prominent musicians, will be to fix an +authorised style of eating <i>Sauerkraut</i> +which shall be impressive yet devoid +of ostentation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" src="images/193.png" alt="" /></a><p>[Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a certain London +restaurant at night have supper given to them by the management.]</p> + +<p><i>First Taxi</i>. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?"</p> + +<p><i>Second ditto</i>. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD BEAN."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A woman's sphere was her own home, that +she should earn her own living was inimical +to domestic happiness; it was almost contra +bonus morus, which is a very serious thing +indeed."—<i>Scots Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It certainly would be for Smith mi. if +he said it in class.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles +——, a full-blooded Sioux Indian, and the +only full-blooded literary man among the +North American Indians."—<i>American Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We could spare some of our full-blooded, +literary men if there is a shortage in America.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + +<h2>MONUMENTS OF THE WAR.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay</p> +<p class="i2">Our triumphs gathered all across the map;</p> +<p>Lest other topics—like the weather, say,</p> +<p class="i2">Or jazzing—should supplant the recent scrap;</p> +<p>Or lest a future race whose careless lot</p> +<p class="i2">Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid</p> +<p>Millennial balm, be unaware of what</p> +<p class="i2">(Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Let such invite our architects to plan</p> +<p class="i2">Great monumental works in steel and stone,</p> +<p>Certain to catch the eye of any man</p> +<p class="i2">And make our victories generally known;</p> +<p>Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built,</p> +<p class="i2">In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set,</p> +<p>And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:—</p> +<p class="i2">"IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored,</p> +<p class="i2">Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest,</p> +<p>Baring her ravaged beauty to record</p> +<p class="i2">The Culture of the Bosch when at his best;</p> +<p>At Albert, even where it bit the ground,</p> +<p class="i2">Low let the Image lie and tell its fate,</p> +<p>Poignant memento, like our own renowned</p> +<p class="i2">ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween,</p> +<p class="i2">Sufficiently recall these fateful years;</p> +<p>I need no monument for keeping green</p> +<p class="i2">All that I suffered in the Volunteers;</p> +<p>Therefore I urge the Army Council, at</p> +<p class="i2">Its earliest leisure, please—next week would do—</p> +<p>To raze the hutments opposite my flat,</p> +<p class="i2">That still impinge on my riparian view.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>O.S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES.</h2> + +<p>It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be +demobilised, that I decided to buy a pair of warm gloves +from Ordnance.</p> + +<p>After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. +Depot, the Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., +I found myself, at the end of a morning's strenuous +walking, confronted by notices on a closed door stating +that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment +Issue Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; +and that the office would re-open at 14.00.</p> + +<p>I went away to lunch.</p> + +<p>At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and +entered. From 14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the +R.A.F. smoking cigarettes and choosing a pair of socks, +and studied notices to the effect that this was the Officers' +Payment Issue Department; that only Officers were permitted +to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would close at 16.00.</p> + +<p>At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, +he had an appointment at three, and would return, old +bean—er, Corporal—in the morning to see about those +dashed socks. The Corporal behind the counter blew away +a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me distrustfully.</p> + +<p>"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, +woollen, knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence."</p> + +<p>"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. +I'll take them now."</p> + +<p>But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, +watching another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate +for gloves, woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, +pairs one. At 15.05 I was in another building, getting the +indent stamped and countersigned. At 15.12 I was in +another building, exchanging it for a buff form in duplicate. +At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went +through the motions of taking up the gloves.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding +them away; "you must first produce your Field Advance +Book as a proof of identity."</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I +explained. "You see, in Egypt, where I come from—that +is, I was attached, you know, to the—well, in short, I +haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I said before. +But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof—they do +that in Egypt, you know—and I have my identity discs, +my demobilisation papers, my cheque-book—oh, and +heaps of other things which would prove to you that I am +really me. Besides, my name is sewn inside the back of +my tunic. <i>And</i> my shirt," I added hopefully.</p> + +<p>"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the +Corporal coldly, "your only course is to obtain a certificate +of identity from the Camp Commandant."</p> + +<p>"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take +me a quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office +and another quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get +a certificate of identity under an hour and a-half. It is +now twenty-five past three. You close at four. To-morrow +morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... You +see how impossible it all is, Corporal."</p> + +<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to +issue the gloves without your Field Advance Book or a +certificate of identity."</p> + +<p>"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, +Corporal, how cold it will be across Italy and France without +gloves. I've been in the East for over four years, and +I might get pneumonia and die, you know."</p> + +<p>"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. +"It may not take so long as you think."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office +with my A.B.64, identity discs, demobilisation papers and +cheque-book ready to hand, and my tunic loosened at the +neck.</p> + +<p>At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence.</p> + +<p>At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, +with a certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest +piece of work I have ever known in the Army. And I might +have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in disguise for all they knew +in the office—or cared.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment +Issue Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to +another officer while you were away."</p> + +<p>ONE OF THE <i>PUNCH</i> BRIGADE.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>On Half Rations.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable home. +Treated as <i>one</i> of the family."—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this +niggardly arrangement.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"V.A.D.—Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., Piano, +Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital closing down and +having same for sale, kindly communicate with Secretary."—<i>Times</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected +to do under the piano and billiard table, but we presume +that her consent would be required, and that she would +not be sold, so to speak, over her own head.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" src="images/195.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE TURN OF THE TIDE.</h3>JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" src="images/196.png" alt="" /></a><h3>SCENE.—<i>Amateur Theatrical Rehearsal</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Author</i>. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK <i>MY</i> LINES, AND THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH."</p> + +<p><i>Tommy (on short leave)</i>. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY LEAVE?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ON THE RHINE.</h2> + +<h3>I.</h3> + +<p>"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and +infamous Hun, I am, I am."</p> + +<p>We are obliged to repeat this continually +to ourselves in order to present +the stern and forbidding air which is +supposed to mark our dealings with +the inhabitants. For, look you, we +have usurped the place of the Royal +Jocks on the "right flank of the British +Army," and are on outpost duty, +with our right resting on the bank of +the Rhine, while in front the notice-boards, +"Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare at us.</p> + +<p>No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, +pay-through-the-nose people that +we were. No longer does our daily routine +include the smile for Mademoiselle, +the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny +for the little ones. No, we steel +ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted +to us, and struggle to offer a +perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum."</p> + +<p>What does Thomas think of it all? +Well, to tell the truth, I haven't caught +him thinking very much about it. +Gloating seems foreign to his nature +somehow, and I don't think he will +ever make a really good Hun. He is +rather like a child who for four years +has been crying incessantly for the +moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, +I'm glad I've got it; now let's get on +with something else," and takes not +the slightest interest in the silly old +moon he has acquired with so much trouble.</p> + +<p>There are two things to which he +cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the +inhabitants and the realisation that his +laboriously acquired knowledge of the +French language is no longer of any +avail. He will never quite get over +the former of these two disabilities, but +he is coping courageously with the +latter. For instance, in place of the +"No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" +now explains that "Your saucepan I +borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of +environment makes very little difference +to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart +and the necessary rations, a British +oasis will appear and be prepared to +flourish in any old desert you like.</p> + +<p>No, I am wrong. There is another +difficulty which as yet he has not been +able entirely to overcome. I cannot +describe the consternation which came +over the Company when I informed +them that there was no longer any +need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. +At first they thought it was just a +Company Commander's humour and +paid it the usual compliments of the +parade; but when they found I was +serious they were simply appalled. It +was as if I had taken the very spice +out of their existence. Not to be able +to go out and "win" a handful of fuel +for the evening's fug and for the brewing +of those unwholesome messes in the +tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could +not have propounded a more revolutionary +principle. Heartbroken some +of the old soldiers came to me afterwards. +"What are we to do, Sir?" +they said. "We only go on guard four +hours in sixteen; we must do something +the rest of the time." Sternly +I bade them think of scrounging as a +thing of the past—a thing of glorious +memory only to be spoken of round +the fires at home. If they wanted anything +in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + +<p>For let me tell you, all you demobilised +wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life +were matters of private enterprise—let +me tell you that in this village, if I say +that I require coal, <i>coal is here</i>, and +with it the Bürgermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We +must have beds? The spare beds of +the village are forthcoming. If we +want baths for the men, our Mr. Carfax, +who speaks a language which the inhabitants +pretend to understand, goes +round to the householders and explains +the necessity. Should there be any +difficulty he explains further that it +would be <i>much</i> better, don't they think, +and <i>much</i> more convenient if the men +visited the houses, rather than that +baths should be carried to some central +place? It is invariably found to be +preferable for all concerned.</p> + +<p>Bathing has now become a pleasure +to all, except, perhaps, to Nijinsky, our +Pole from Commercial Road, East. On +being presented (for the first time, I +gather) to a first-class bathroom with +geyser complete, he evinced signs of +great uneasiness. In fact he seemed +to think that this was making a parade +of a purely private matter. The Sergeant-Major, +being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the thing a +trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his +hands in characteristic fashion and +said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, +anyhow," and they left him to it. The +rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and +leaving the gas on, of a loud explosion +and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and +frightened, fleeing through the main +street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently +I heard him expressing +forcibly a fixed determination never, +<i>never</i> to be persuaded against his will again.</p> + +<p>Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be +a Hun. Every day we go about telling +one another what Huns we are and +how we love our hunnishness. And +yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I +don't believe all our efforts amount to +anything really; they wouldn't deceive +a child—and in fact they don't. For +ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have +acquired an extraordinarily good imitation +of Tommy's salute, and, though +Subalterns and Sergeant-Majors may +go about gnashing their teeth and +wearing expressions of frightful ferocity, +still the youngsters grin fearlessly +as they raise their tiny fingers. They +know it isn't real. They know a Hun +when they see him all right; what child +doesn't?</p> + +<p>And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking +one of them up from the gutter the other +day and soothing its tears with the +baby-talk of all nations. I told him he +was fraternising abominably and was +not being a true Hun.</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "you can't leave a +child yelling in a puddle, can you?"</p> + +<p>And, damn it, you can't, so what's +the use of trying to be hunnish?</p> + +<p>L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" src="images/197.png" alt="" /></a><i>Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who +is searching for a tip)</i>. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3> + +<p>From a Parliamentary report:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General +Seely said ... General Seely, replying ..."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The canonical proceedings for the beatification +of Pope Pius IX. and Christopher +Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As +the result of a very close investigation, it was +decided that these two candidates lacked +certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. +had signed death sentences and Christopher +Columbus was held responsible for massacres."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This news, we understand, has caused +a painful impression at Amerongen.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" +src="images/198.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)</i>. "ONE MORE QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN <i>YOU</i> COOK?"</p> + +<p><i>Her Ladyship</i>. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER."</p> + +<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH—DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL MISTRESS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE.</h2> + +<p>In view of the prevalence of colds +and the varying counsels given to their +patients by our leading so-called healers, +a mass meeting of doctors and public +men was recently convened, with the +hope that some useful results might follow.</p> + +<p>None did.</p> + +<p>The Chairman in his opening remarks +said that colds were at once the +commonest complaints to which human +beings were subject and the least understood +by the faculty. It was scandalous +that so little serious attention +should be paid to them by physicians. +A scientific investigator should be as +proud of discovering a preventive for +colds as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. +But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding +new and more deadly explosives +and poisonous gas, while the +whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. +(Loud sneezes.)</p> + +<p>Letters were read, among others, +from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that +from recent experience they could affirm +that an equable cold temperature was +conducive to the avoidance of catarrh. +In short, an excellent means of escaping +cold was to be out in the cold.</p> + +<p>A representative of the Board of +Trade said that all that was necessary +to avoid colds was to keep fit and not +approach infection. Having offered +this very practical advice the speaker +gathered up his papers and left the +room.</p> + +<p>Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, +urged that the best preventive +for colds was to keep warm. One should +wear plenty of thick clothing and especially +cover the neck and throat. A +respirator was an excellent thing. He +even went so far as to recommend earflaps +to his patients, with beneficial +results. A night-cap was also a great help.</p> + +<p>Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, +protested that colds were for the +most part negligible. People took them +much too seriously. The best treatment +was to be Spartan—wear the +lightest clothes, abjure mufflers, and, +whenever you could find a draught, +sit in it.</p> + +<p>Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this +cold-catching was nonsense. He personally +had never had a cold in his life. +And why? Because he lived healthily; +he wore natural wool, retained his +beard, ate no meat and drank no +wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, +shaved, devoured their fellow-creatures +and imbibed poisonous acids were bound +to catch cold. Resuming his Jaeger +halo, Mr. SHAW then left.</p> + +<p>Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, +stated that in his experience colds +were necessary evils which often served +useful ends in clearing the system. For +that reason he was against any treatment +that served to stop them. The +"instantaneous cold cures" which were +advertised so freely filled him with suspicion. +Colds should be unfettered.</p> + +<p>Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing +the Ancient Order of Haberdashers, +said that he was in entire agreement +with the last speaker. Colds should be +allowed to take their course. Nothing +was so bad as to check them.</p> + +<p>Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, +asserted that colds were far more +serious things than people thought. +As a matter of fact there was no such +thing as a cold pure and simple; colds +were invariably manifestations of other +and deeper trouble. His own specific +was a long period of complete rest and +careful but not meagre dieting, followed +by change of air, if necessary travel to +the South of France. (Loud coughs +and cheers.)</p> + +<p>Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> +Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the +seriousness of colds should not be +minimised, but that foreign travel was +an error. No malady was so much +helped by the timely and constant employment +of remedies at home. He +trusted that the remarks of the last +speaker would speedily be contradicted +by a competent authority.</p> + +<p>Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, +held that alcohol was the greatest +provocative of colds; aspirin was their +greatest enemy.</p> + +<p>Sir Tablloyd George, the famous +physician, observed that a glass of hot +whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed +was a sovran remedy. Aspirin was to +be avoided, but quinine had its uses.</p> + +<p>Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably +no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than +he did. He had written twelve manuals +on the subject and intended to +write twenty-six more, by which time +he would have covered the whole field +of human endeavour. Any one who +had read his book, <i>The Plain Man and +his Wife and their Plainer Children</i>, +would remember that one chapter was +devoted to the cause, evasion and cure +of colds. He would not at the moment +say more than that the work was procurable +at all bookshops. He should +like to address the meeting at fuller +length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed.</p> + +<p>Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he +always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel +of modern domestic life. He had even +heard of the perusal of some of his +novels as a substitute for coal.</p> + +<p>Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was +no prophylactic against colds so efficacious +as fresh air and plenty of it. +Since he had formed the habit of flying +backwards and forwards from Paris he +had been free from any trouble of that +kind. He recommended a seat at the +Peace Conference and constant aviation +to all sufferers.</p> + +<p>Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, +contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms +should be hermetically sealed.</p> + +<p>Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given +the matter the closest attention, and +he had come to the conclusion that +there was no preventive of a cold in the +head so complete and drastic as decapitation.</p> + +<p>The meeting was considering Mr. +SMILLIE'S suggestion when our reporter, +who had contracted a chill +during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S remarks, +took his departure.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" src="images/199.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour party)</i>. +"I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T THEY?"</p> + +<p><i>Corporal</i>. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR—NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY USED TO."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Journalistic Enterprise.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE.</p> + +<p>"To-day is Pancake Day."—<i>Daily Mail</i>, March 4. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON.</p> + +<p>"All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, +and prices the maximum when possible."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>To judge by our own fishmonger, they always <i>are</i> possible.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>From the report of a prosecution for +selling eggs above the controlled price:</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. ——, for the defence, contended that +the lay mind could assume that new-laid eggs +laid by the vendor's fowls were not within the +scope of the Order."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>In a poultry case the opinion of the +"lay mind" should have been conclusive, +but the Bench decided otherwise.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"When is the State going to help mothers +with large families? If the cost of living has +increased 100 per cent., then for eight persons +the increase is 800 per cent.</p> + +<p>"How many mothers with eight in family +have received an increase of 800 per cent. in +their income since 1914?—W.W., London."—<i>Daily Sketch</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>"W.W., London," should not be +allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician +like this to tot up the German indemnity.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<h3>LXXX.</h3> + +<p>My Dear Charles,—You are a lawyer +and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with +those of the Government in this deal, +I seem a model of innocence.</p> + +<p>Let me refresh your memory of the facts.</p> + +<p>In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing +passports to deserving cases +in the name of His Majesty's Government. +In the neutral country where +I was doing this there was a very wicked +and a very plausible man, whom we +will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so +many surnames at one time and another +that a new one cannot do him any +harm). Rate of exchange stood at the +figure of twenty local francs to the +pound sterling, and, as you would put +it, other things were equal.</p> + +<p>Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with +a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking +entirely of itself, was obsessed with +a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. +Mr. Abrahams came to my office, said +nice things about me to my face and +begged me to let him go. I said nice +things to him, and told him I would if +I could, but I couldn't. He took this to +mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. +He offered me cash down; a cheque +for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which +way I liked. We should call it for appearance' +sake a gift to His Majesty's +Government for the better prosecution +of the War.</p> + +<p>I thanked him cordially on behalf +of His Majesty's Government, but regretted +that I was the victim of circumstances +over which I had no control. +Refusing to believe there could be any +circumstances which could stand up +against an officer of my power, position +and force, he produced a note for +a hundred francs and put it on my +table. He then withdrew, meaning +(I gathered) to return to the attack as +soon as the money had sunk in. From +this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears +from the story. It is not the first or +only story, as the police will tell you, +from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared.</p> + +<p>My report to His Majesty's Government +did not omit a full mention of the +matter of the five pounds or hundred +francs offered. It begged for instructions +as to the disposal of the booty +which, it stated, lay in my "Suspense" +basket. No instructions could be got, +though frequent messages, saying, "May +we now have an answer, please?" were +sent. Weeks passed, and every morning +I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the +basket. My <i>moral</i> gradually declined. +So did the rate of exchange. So did +the barometer.</p> + +<p>There came a day, the weather being +such that any man who could sin would +sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque +made out for five pounds which I was +about to cash for lack of ready francs, +and when the rate of exchange had got +as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on +the evidence of the bank man) ninety-five +francs for my five pounds. Charles, +I fell. Explaining to myself that +Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated +that his gift to the Government was +alternatively a cheque for five pounds +or a note for a hundred francs, I put +my cheque into the "Suspense" basket +and pocketed the note, <i>thus making +five francs profit</i>.</p> + +<p>More weeks passed; no instructions +came, and every day I was tempted by +the sight of that cheque. One bright +summer morning, when any man who +had any goodness in him could not help +being good, and when the rate of exchange +had risen to twenty-one, I came +to my office full of noble intentions +and hundred franc notes of my own. +I may mention in passing that it takes +very little money to fill me up. I had +just cashed a cheque of my own at the +rate of a hundred-and-five francs to the +five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident +and ready to do it again. +There, on the top of my "Suspense" +basket, lay just the very cheque for the +purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining +to myself that Mr. Abrahams +had clearly intimated that his gift to +the Government was alternatively a +note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred +francs into the "Suspense" basket, +and pocketed the cheque, <i>thus making +another five francs profit</i>.</p> + +<p>That, my Lord, is the case for the +prosecution; but you may as well have +the rest of the story. Instructions or +no instructions, I thought it was now +time to send the note for a hundred +francs to the Government. The Government +said it had no use for francs +in England, sent back the note to me +and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending +further instructions. It took some time +to arrive at this point, and meanwhile +rate of exchange had had a serious +relapse. The hundred franc note bought +a cheque for five guineas. Not feeling +strong enough to pend further instructions, +I at once sent this home. More +haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque +came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government +had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. +(2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, +cash it locally and put the proceeds to +the credit side of my expenses account. +(3) His Majesty's Government trusted +that Mr. Abrahams would not cause +this sort of trouble again.</p> + +<p>Whether it was the stimulus given +by this memo, or whether it was merely +a case of giving up the drink and becoming +a reformed character, rate of +exchange had, I found when I went to +carry out orders, risen to and stuck at +the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. +His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the +sum of one hundred and twenty-one +francs and eighty centimes, thus making +more than twice as heavy a profit +as I had. And yet you have the impudence +to tell me that I am guilty of +embezzlement, with corruption.</p> + +<p>I can only say I should be ashamed +to be a lawyer.</p> + +<p>I can only add that I should be +happy to be His Majesty's Government.</p> + +<p>With all best wishes and enclosing +stamps for eighty centimes as representing +your share of the proceeds +(including fee for opinion),</p> + +<p>I remain,</p> + +<p>Yours sincerely, HENRY.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PIVOTS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Bermondsey Bill," who used to be</p> +<p>The idol of the N.S.C.,</p> +<p>Began to fight in 17—</p> +<p>P.T. instructor, very keen,</p> +<p>Teaching recruits to jab the faces</p> +<p>Of dummy Germans at the bases.</p> +<p>But Bill, I see, is booked to box</p> +<p>Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks,</p> +<p>And nobody should feel surprised</p> +<p>That Bill has been demobilised.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Although the War upset, I fear,</p> +<p>John Jones's pacifist career,</p> +<p>He did not murmur or repine,</p> +<p>But hurried to the nearest mine,</p> +<p>And stuck it till the "refugees"</p> +<p>Were all transplanted overseas.</p> +<p>In France he saw some dreadful scenes</p> +<p>As salesman in E.F. canteens;</p> +<p>But when the Bosch had been chastised</p> +<p><i>He</i> was at once demobilised.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A most diverting person, Brown—</p> +<p>The "star" comedian in Town,</p> +<p>And, since he donned a posh Sam B.,</p> +<p>O.C. Amusements, L. of C.</p> +<p>He steadfastly refused to whine</p> +<p>Because he never saw the Line,</p> +<p>But carried on, stout fellow, and</p> +<p>Is now at home, I understand.</p> +<p>A pivot so well-paid and prized</p> +<p>Just <i>had</i> to be demobilised.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" +src="images/201.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Officer (on leave)</i>. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?"</p> +<p><i>Veteran Volunteer Marksman</i>. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. YOU SEE +THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OCCUPIED OPERA.</h2> + +<p>It was a chilly morning early in +January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal +attraction of the place, and as yet there +was no suave interpreter in attendance +to mediate between the queue of representatives +of Britain's military power +and the German clerk in the box-office.</p> + +<p>I suppose that in some handsome +suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage +with red trimmings spends his whole +time—office hours, of course—in devising +fresh schemes for the sale and distribution +of opera tickets to the British +troops. The demand for them is always +far in excess of the number reserved +for the military, and fresh schemes for +their distribution are inaugurated every week.</p> + +<p>We were still in the days when +officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation +used to wait in a democratic queue +for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It +was 9.15 when I took up my position, +beaten a short neck by a very young +and haughty officer, a Second-Lieutenant +of the Blankshires. There is always +a cold wind round that corner of the +Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every +O.R. turned up his coat-collar, stamped +his feet and determined to stick it. +After all, from the time when he waits +his turn to receive his first suit of +khaki, every soldier is inured to standing +in queues, and when he has so often +stood half-an-hour in a queue for the +chance of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. +tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. +For the officers no doubt the situation +had the attraction of novelty.</p> + +<p>By the time the office opened the +queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway <i>Haltestelle</i>, +and much speculation was going on as +to how many would be sent empty +away. Inch by inch we moved forward, +mounted the steps one by one, and came +within the relative warmth of the vestibule. +At last the weary waiting-time +was over; the young subaltern stepped +before the <i>guichet</i> and, pointing to a +handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified +voice a ticket for next Monday's performance +of "<i>KEINE VORSTELLUNG</i>!"</p> + +<p>How shall I describe the painful +scene that followed—a scene in which, +as a mere Tommy, I had too much +discipline to intervene? In vain the +obsequious purveyor of tickets offered +a selection of the world's most popular +and celebrated operas for any other day +but Monday. Nothing would do for my +officer but <i>Keine Vorstellung</i>. Indeed, +as he explained in his best and loudest +English, Monday was his only free +evening. <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he wanted +and <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he must have. +Followed reiteration, expostulation, vituperation +in yet louder English than +before, and when at last he turned away +without his ticket he was still convinced +that the authority of the <i>Britische +Besatzung</i> had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window.</p> + +<p>I often wonder what he said when +the precise meaning of those two mystic +words was revealed, to him. I like to +think that it may have happened at the +Requisition Office, whither he had gone +to procure an order to compel that recalcitrant +square-head to supply him +with the ticket so unwarrantably withheld.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; +small fairy."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" src="images/202.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception).</i> +"YOU DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT."</p> + +<p><i>Bride.</i> "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?"</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PTERO-DACTYLS.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Of the Pioneers of the Air.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Dædalus, once in the island of Crete,</p> +<p class="i2">Finding his host tried to limit his scenery,</p> +<p>Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet,</p> +<p class="i2">Went and invented some flying machinery;</p> +<p>Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks</p> +<p class="i2">Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any,</p> +<p>Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax,</p> +<p class="i2">Fitting another pair on to his progeny;</p> +<p>So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us,</p> +<p>First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail</p> +<p class="i2">(Science of old wasn't hard on her votary,</p> +<p>So little mention you find in the tale</p> +<p class="i2">Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary);</p> +<p>Silently skimming along in the air</p> +<p class="i2">Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer,</p> +<p>"Mind that your altitude's low, and beware</p> +<p class="i2">Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!"</p> +<p>Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it,</p> +<p>Flew in the face of his father and scouted it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun,</p> +<p class="i2">Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor;</p> +<p>Higher and higher he banked and he spun,</p> +<p class="i2">Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore.</p> +<p>"Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts?</p> +<p class="i2">Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty;</p> +<p>I'll find a method of stopping your stunts;</p> +<p class="i2">Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity."</p> +<p>Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em,</p> +<p>Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Down to the depths of the bottomless sea</p> +<p class="i2">Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity,</p> +<p>Leaving a name for the ages to be.</p> +<p class="i2">"Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity."</p> +<p>See from the sequel the fitness of things:</p> +<p class="i2">Nearly forgotten this early adventure is;</p> +<p>Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings</p> +<p class="i2">Still its revenge in the course of the centuries.</p> +<p>Over the sky, from the east to the west of it,</p> +<p>Man has decidedly now got the best of it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>R.A.F.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>To Psychical Mediums.</h3> + +<p>Extract from a tradesman's circular:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. ——, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite +shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your Spring +term requirements." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough +Council was so long that it was not read at all."—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our bureaucrats.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" src="images/203.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>THE FOCH-TERRIER.</h3> "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, March 3rd</i>.—The terrors of +the Statute of Anne having been temporarily +removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN +headed a little <i>queue</i> of Ministers +coming up to take the Oath. How the +already crowded Treasury Bench is to +accommodate the new-comers it is +difficult to see, but presumably a system +of reliefs will be arranged.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-1.png" alt="" /></a> <h4>MR. McCALLUM SCOTT.</h4>"SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A DEMOBILISATION ON?"</div> + +<p>The present epidemic was discussed +by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN REES +who were not agreed as to whether +port is a "preventative" or a "preventive" +of influenza, but were unanimous +in thinking that far too little of +it was available.</p> + +<p>On bearing that the liability of agricultural +shows to the Entertainment +Tax depended on whether instruction +was combined with amusement, Colonel +WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to +decide where amusement ends and education +begins. Talking of education, +I shall in future, following Mr. H.A.L. +FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan +with a long "e," but, I hesitate, even +on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary."</p> + +<p>Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War +Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily +the resemblance extends only to the +<i>rondeurs</i>, and not to the occasional +<i>longueurs</i>, of his predecessor. How +long his Lordship would have taken +to elucidate the present position and +future composition of the British +Army I cannot estimate, but it +would have been several hours. +Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, +occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations +on the kind of Army we +should need in the future. He +hopes, among other things, for +an improved General Staff, composed +of officers acquainted with +war in all its phases—land, sea +and air—who could give the +Cabinet expert advice on war as a +whole, and save it (we inferred) +from such hesitations as led to +the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli.</p> + +<p>"I thought we had given up +war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and +other Members twitted the Minister +with having left out of his +account the League of Nations. +But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, +while expressing the utmost respect +for the League, pointed out +that it was not yet in being, +and that meanwhile Britain must +continue to be a strong armed Power.</p> + +<p>A number of maiden speeches +were delivered during the evening. The +SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I +hope he was somewhere in the precincts +to hear the cheers which greeted +the initial effort—commendably brief +and to the point—of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, March 4th</i>.—Lord SINHA +OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden speech +in a style which promises well for his +Parliamentary career. Accepting the +<i>dictum</i> of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness +is essential in Indian affairs, he +proceeded to act upon it by administering +a dignified rebuke to his lordship +for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans +and Hindoos was occasioned by the +MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS.</h4> THE DE VALERA GIRL.</div> + +<p>No fewer than forty-six questions +were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot +go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable +time to satisfying Parliamentary curiosity. +Accordingly he has appointed a +"Members' friend" to hear complaints +and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM +SCOTT has been rewarded for his consistent +admiration—did he not publish +a eulogy of "Winston Churchill in +Peace and War" when his hero's +fortunes were temporarily clouded?—and +on two days a week will have the +privilege of acting as lightning-conductor.</p> + +<p>The most intriguing detail in the +story of DE VALERA'S escape from +Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of +the guards by two sweet girl-graduates +from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. +SHORTT curtly stated—with a twinkle +in his eye—that the sentries disclaimed +all knowledge of the ladies. Still, is +this conclusive?</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, March 5th</i>.—The friends +of the new LORD CHANCELLOR were becoming +anxious lest his natural gaiety +should be permanently suppressed +by the necessity of keeping up +the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further +apprehensions. A motion in +favour of Home Rule All Round, +introduced by Lord BRASSEY and +supported by Lord SELBORNE, +furnished him with his chance. +Metaphorically flinging his full-bottomed +wig on to the floor he +skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed +victims, and, before they knew +where they were, got their heads +into Chancery and knocked them +together until they were compelled +to give in. Talk of the +congestion of Parliament! Why, +now that party spirit was in abeyance, +Bills went through with +incredible rapidity. As for the +supposed ambitions of the "little +nations," what, he asked, did +Scotsmen and Welshmen care +about subordinate Parliaments +when they were governing the +whole Empire? If the advocates +of the proposal really believed +in it let them go out as missionaries +into the wilderness, and, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> +if they escaped the proverbial fate of missionaries, +convert the heathen voters to +their creed. Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, +his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated +that "a time would come," and +meanwhile withdrew his motion.</p> + +<p>At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly +denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates +had decided not to demand any money-indemnity +from Germany, but took +occasion later on to discount somewhat +freely the election-promises made on +this subject by himself and other Ministers. +It would be better, he implied, +to accept a composition than to put +the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. +This is common sense, no doubt, always +provided that the Hun does not misinterpret +his reprieve, and, instead of +laying golden eggs for our benefit, resume +the practice of the goose-step.</p> + +<p>On the Civil Service Estimates, +swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an +earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I +do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet +emerge safely from our financial straits. +The House, as usual, cheered this fine +sentiment to the echo, and, to show +how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. +ADAMSON, the Labour leader, immediately +pressed for an increase in the +salaries of Members of Parliament.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, March 6th</i>.—The CHIEF +SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release +such of the Sinn Fein prisoners as had +not already saved them the trouble.</p> + +<p>History does not always repeat itself. +The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD enhanced +his fame by a faithful reproduction of +the Portland Vase. JOSIAH the Second, +essaying a fancy portrait of the present +Duke of PORTLAND (in his capacity of +a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely +withdrew it from circulation.</p> + +<p>The Second Reading of the new Military +Service Bill brought a storm of +accusations against the Government +for having broken its election-pledges. +Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his +colleagues gone to the country on a cry +of "No Conscription"? The Member +for Derby was particularly emphatic in +his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting +Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of the +pledges in question as meaning "Militarism +and Conscription."</p> + +<p>A little rift within the Coalition lute +was revealed when Mr. SHAW remarked +that some people seemed to want "to +make this country a fit place for casuists +to live in;" but the House as a whole +took the view that without an assured +peace it would be no place for any one, +and passed the Second Reading by an +overwhelming majority.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" src="images/206.png" alt="" /></a> <i>Conductor</i>. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SENTINELS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p> +<p class="i2">All through the night</p> +<p>There are Fairy Sentinels</p> +<p class="i2">Watching till it's light;</p> +<p>If they ever went to sleep</p> +<p class="i2">The Big Clock would tell;</p> +<p>But, Left-Right! Left-Right!</p> +<p class="i2">They know their duty well;</p> +<p>I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear,</p> +<p>The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p> +<p class="i2">All through the day</p> +<p>There the Fairy Sentinels</p> +<p class="i2">Sleep the time away;</p> +<p>If you were to wake them up,</p> +<p class="i2">Think how tired they'd be,</p> +<p>So Tip-toe! Tip-toe!</p> +<p class="i2">Go upstairs quietly.</p> +<p>Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair—</p> +<p>The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" src="images/207.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>She</i>. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP."</p> + +<p><i>He</i>. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SPACE PROBLEM.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The sad queues shiver in the drains</p> +<p class="i2">And do not get upon the bus;</p> +<p>Men battle round successive trains,</p> +<p class="i2">And each is yet more populous;</p> +<p>Twelve times a week I pay the fare,</p> +<p class="i2">But know not when I last sat down;</p> +<p>It almost looks as if there were</p> +<p class="i2">Too many people in the town.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I know not where they all may dwell;</p> +<p class="i2">I know my lease is up in May;</p> +<p>I know I said, "Oh, very well,</p> +<p class="i2">I'll take a house down Dorking way;"</p> +<p>I scoured the spacious countryside,</p> +<p class="i2">I found no residence to spare,</p> +<p>And it is not to be denied</p> +<p class="i2">There are too many people there.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They say the birth-rate's sadly low;</p> +<p class="i2">They say the death-rate tends to soar;</p> +<p>So how we manage I don't know</p> +<p class="i2">To go on growing more and more;</p> +<p>Let statistology prefer</p> +<p class="i2">To think the race is nice and small,</p> +<p>But how do all these crowds occur,</p> +<p class="i2">And who the dickens are they all?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Where do they come from? Where on earth</p> +<p class="i2">In olden days did they reside,</p> +<p>When there was really lots of birth</p> +<p class="i2">And hardly anybody died?</p> +<p>Where had this multitude its lair?</p> +<p class="i2">Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt;</p> +<p>I only wish they'd go back there</p> +<p class="i2">And leave me room to move about;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And leave some little house for me</p> +<p class="i2">In any shire, in any town,</p> +<p>Or, otherwise, myself must flee</p> +<p class="i2">And build a dug-out in a down;</p> +<p>If none may settle on the land,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet might one settle underground</p> +<p>(Provided people understand</p> +<p class="i2">They must not come and dig all round).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There will I dwell (alone) till death</p> +<p class="i2">And soothe my crowd-corroded soul;</p> +<p>And, when I breathe my latest breath,</p> +<p class="i2">Let no man move me from my hole;</p> +<p>Let but a little earth be cast,</p> +<p class="i2">And someone write above the tomb:</p> +<p>"<i>Here had the poet peace at last;</i></p> +<p class="i2">Here only had he elbow-room."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SWEET-SHOP.</h2> + +<p>It was a mean street somewhere in +the wilderness of Fulham. How I got +there I don't exactly know; all that I +am clear about is that I was trying, on +insufficient data, to make a short cut. +Twilight was falling, there was a slight +drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London.</p> + +<p>Here and there, breaking the monotony +of dark house-fronts, were little +isolated shops, which gave a touch of +colour to the drabness. I paused before +one of them, through whose small and +dim window a light shed a melancholy +beam upon the pavement. Nothing +seemed to be sold there, for the window +was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," +"pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." Apparently +the shop had sold out.</p> + +<p>I was on the point of turning away +when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an +ancient dame began to take certain jars +from the window and fill them with +sweets from boxes on the counter. Evidently +a new stock had just arrived. +Then I remembered that sweets had +been "freed."</p> + +<p>A little girl stopped beside me, stared +through the window and then ran off at +top speed. Within a couple of minutes +half-a-dozen youngsters were peering +into the shop, and a pair of them +marched in, consulting earnestly as +they went. The news spread; more +children arrived. I distributed a largesse +of pennies which gave me a popularity +I have never achieved before. +The street seemed to take on a different +aspect. I almost liked it.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + +<h2>AN OLD DOG.</h2> + +<p>There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti +getting to be an old dog, but he has already got there. He +<i>is</i> an old dog. Yet the change in the case of this beloved +little Pekinese has been so gradual that until it was accomplished +few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as it seemed, +Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the +crown of the road and refused to stir from it though all the +hooters of Europe endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day +he is still a challenger of motor-cars; but he hurls his +defiance with less assurance and has been seen to retire +before the advance of a motor-bicycle.</p> + +<p>Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, +let us hope with accuracy, a <i>cruda viridisque senectus</i>. +Quite a short time ago his muzzle, like the rest of him, +was as black as ebony. Now he wears a pair of thick +white moustachios, which are comparable only with those +worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE.</p> + +<p>In another way too our little dog gives proof that his +years are advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the +moment of the <i>promenade</i>; not that he intended thus to +show any deference to the humans who were inviting him +to take a walk, but that he thought it was a fine manly +thing to do, and one that might bring about that fight of +his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to +which he looked forward as to one of his unachieved +pleasures. He therefore fell not more than one hundred +yards behind his accompanists, and when this was pointed +out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up and +rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he +still barks a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at +once to lag, and is found in an armchair when the party +returns. It is vain to remind him that in the old days he +was called the little black feather for the lightness of his +gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce nor'-easter. +Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Attend to your duty,</p> +<p class="i2">My brave little Soo-ti,</p> +<p>There isn't much sun in the sky:</p> +<p class="i2">But we've sported together</p> +<p class="i2">In all kinds of weather,</p> +<p>My little black feather and I."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and +plain prose is equally ineffective when once he has made +up his mind that he doesn't mean to move.</p> + +<p>One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly +describe. He is always much agitated when his mistress +packs her boxes to depart to an institution for higher education +of which she is a member. While this is going forward, +Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to couch in +the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, +to leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, +and to sink down with a sigh of satisfaction on what was +once a very artistic bit of packing. I do not say that this +trick is entirely due to old age. Nearly all dogs do it. +Only there was on the last occasion a special anxiety, and +a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back +soon, so that we may meet again before my eyes grow dim +and my ears lose their keenness."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"In future all unmarried men and women having an income of +$1,000 will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed +unless their income is over $1,500,000."—<i>Canadian Gazette</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The poor fellows must have some compensation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP.</h2> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["C.K.S.," in <i>The Sphere</i>, describing his numerous visits to GEORGE +MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can he claim to +have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I always make +the test of intimate friendship when people call one another by their +Christian names."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S."</p> +<p class="i2">Is intimacy's truest test; but "George,"</p> +<p>When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess)</p> +<p class="i2">Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge;</p> +<p>And to the end he never got beyond</p> +<p>The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>How sad to think this barrier was never</p> +<p class="i2">Demolished, broken down and swept away,</p> +<p>But still remained to sunder and to sever</p> +<p class="i2">Two of the choicest spirits of our day!</p> +<p>For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind,</p> +<p>On this one point showed an inclement mind.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The case was simplified in days of eld;</p> +<p class="i2">HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name,</p> +<p>And an Athenian bookman, if impelled</p> +<p class="i2">To visit him at Chios, when he came</p> +<p>Across the blind old poet and beach-comber,</p> +<p>Addressed him probably <i>tout court</i> as HOMER.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim—</p> +<p class="i2">Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic;</p> +<p>And SHORTER could not have accosted him</p> +<p class="i2">By <i>sobriquets</i> endearing or ecstatic;</p> +<p>It would have certainly provoked a scene,</p> +<p>For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited</p> +<p class="i2">As an illustrious brother of the quill,</p> +<p>Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted</p> +<p class="i2">To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill,"</p> +<p>And in the small uproarious hours A.M.</p> +<p>Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed;</p> +<p class="i2">Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain;</p> +<p>What might have been can never be revealed,</p> +<p class="i2">But one momentous fact at least is plain:</p> +<p>We know from an authoritative quarter</p> +<p>That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Twopenny Egg.</h3> + +<p>The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the +twopenny egg." On making inquiries we learn that this +phenomenon will be invisible at Greenwich, but may be +viewed from the North of Scotland, a region happily less +inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions have +in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions +differ as to the best point for observation, but it is probable +that the island of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all know +that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all icy suspicion."—<i>Mr. +JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star".</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he +met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged +to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot +belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp +instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet completely +healed."—<i>Evening Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great Bear.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/209.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE DOPED LION.</h3>A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + +<h2>THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE.</h2> + +<p>True sportsmen will regret Mr. +ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, +"I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve."</p> + +<p>By "improve" he no doubt meant +that when we ring up a number in +future we shall simply get it; that +people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect.</p> + +<p>I only hope the improvement +will be delayed until I +get my own back. I have +been playing rather a bad +line lately, and only this +morning lost a set by one game to two.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The operator won the first +game before I could get into +my stride. She rang me up +three times in five minutes, +and each time put me on to +nobody. This was a very +bad start, and I determined +that I must at least give +her a game. So the third +time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular +ring arrangement up and +down. There is always a +chance that your signal may +be working, and it annoys +the operator. But she beat +me by a swift stroke.</p> + +<p>"What number do you +want?" she asked cynically. +I said, "Well played, Sir—Madam!" +Then she rubbed +it in with a parting shot: +"Sorry you have been +terroubled," she said, and +cut me off. Love—one.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Hullo!" I said, when +my bell rang the next time.</p> + +<p>"Put me through to Extension +8, please."</p> + +<p>The only thing to do with +this sort of shot is to return +it safely.</p> + +<p>"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one."</p> + +<p>"Haven't <i>what</i>?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Got one."</p> + +<p>"One what?"</p> + +<p>"Extension."</p> + +<p>Then he became annoyed and shouted, +"Aren't you the War Office?"</p> + +<p>"No," I answered, "I am not the +War Office."</p> + +<p>"Aren't you the War Off—"</p> + +<p>But I clapped on my receiver. In +fact I clapped it on so violently that I +thought I had silenced the thing for +good and all.</p> + +<p>A series of tugging ineffective clicks +on the part of my bell decided me to +investigate. This move on my part +was to win me the game.</p> + +<p>I took off my receiver and listened. +No answer. I banged the rigging. No +answer. I banged and thumped.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, +"I am attending to you as quickly as I +can. What number do you want?"</p> + +<p>"Well," I explained, "as a matter of +fact I don't want a number. I only +wondered if my line was all right. +Sorry you have been terroubled," and I +cut her off. One—all.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The third and last game started +briskly. In the course of the first ten +minutes I was rung up and asked if I was—</p> + +<p>1. The Timber Control.</p> + +<p>2. Mr. Awl or All.</p> + +<p>3. The Timber Control (again).</p> + +<p>4. The London Diocesan Church +Schools. (At this point I rather lost +my head and answered, "D—— the +London Diocesan Church Schools.")</p> + +<p>My impiety offended the Bishop (I +assume it was a Bishop), and he, rather +unfairly, must have incited the gods to +take sides against me. In a lucid interval, +while I was doing a call of my own, +the operator, without giving me any +warning, switched me on to the supervisor. +This must have been an inspiration +from Olympus. However I was +equal to the emergency; nay, took advantage +of it. Experience has taught +me that it is always best to talk to the +person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the +supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which +ascribed to my shoulders +the War Office, the Timber +Control and the L.D.C.S. +was, at the moment, unfounded.</p> + +<p>She played up magnificently; +took my number, +my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, +how many times I had been +rung up, whom by and +when, and was going to ask +me the date of my birth and +whether I was married or +single, when I protested. +Then she calmed down and +said she would have my +line seen to.</p> + +<p>The game seemed to be +going well; but again I was +beaten by a swift stroke. +My bell rang.</p> + +<p>"Telephone Engineering +Department speaking," it +said. "We have received a +report that your line is out +of order. We are sending +a man and hope he will +finish the job before luncheon."</p> + +<p>This was the end, as anyone +knows who has ever +got into the clutches: of +the Telephone Engineering +Department.</p> + +<p>"Please," I said (my +spirit was quite broken)—"please, +for God's sake, +don't send a man. Not this +morning at any rate. Put it off, there's +a good fellow."</p> + +<p>"But I thought there was something wrong—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous +mistake. My line never behaved better +in its life. It's a positive joy to me."</p> + +<p>I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority +that all truth cannot be told at all +times. But I had lost the set.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" src="images/210.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION.</h3> + +<p><i>Mother</i>. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?"</p> + +<p><i>Daughter</i>. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf +'is slate."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +"On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ——, on +the instructions of the executors of the late +Mr. ——, are selling by auction in pneumonia +and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages +situate in Chapel Street."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>Personally we were not bidding.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" src="images/211.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace).</i> "HERE, CABBY—LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK."</p> + +<p><i>Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case).</i> "IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL."</p> + +<p><i>S.O.</i> "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM BEHIND."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>When a story bears the attractive title of <i>The House of +Courage</i> (DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of +1914 with a number of pleasantly prosperous people whose +faith in the continuance of this prosperity is frequently +emphasised ("as if they had a contract with God Almighty" +is how an observant character phrases it); and when, in the +first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans +in a Soho restaurant—well, it requires no great guessing to +tell what will happen before we are through with it. And, +in fact, Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; +though with this novelty, that the hero's experiences +of service are almost entirely gained in a German prison-camp. +As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault +that the earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting +society in County Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than +the scenes of boredom and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed +as these are and almost over-realistic and convincing. +Inevitably too the scheme is one of incident rather than +character. One has never any very serious doubt that in +the long run the hero, <i>Kennedy</i>, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly +unworthy <i>Harrington</i>. But as part of the long run was +from Crefeld to the Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that +you can imagine (and a few more, including an admirable +thrill almost on the post), one is left with the comfortable +feeling that the prize was well earned. You will rightly +judge that most of <i>The House of Courage</i> is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; +but it remains an excellent yarn.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>When <i>Esmé Hillier</i>, possessed by <i>The Imp</i> (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed +the hero (to whom she had had no previous introduction) +into the sea. I have some sympathy with her energetic +protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the age of sixteen +should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. <i>Esmé</i>, a pained spectator, showed +her public spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act +she sealed her own fate, for after this it was inevitable that +they should ultimately marry each other, the girl of the +kissing episode notwithstanding. The immediate incentive +to their union, which was by the Scotch method, was that +<i>Esmé</i> had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and <i>Tourntourq</i>, +the Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. +Though married in haste they did not wait for leisure +before they repented, but commenced quarrelling at once, +until <i>Esmé</i>, in order to test his love and that of an admirer +who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" her hair +and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this +they separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, +who was really quite a nice person, was killed, and <i>Tourntourq</i>, +who was apparently a lunatic, though that is not +stated in so many words, was blinded. It seems quite +superfluous to add that <i>Tourntourq</i> wins the V.C. and recovers +both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there +are such good patches in the book that I cannot help +hoping that some day WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span> +(I feel it is <i>her</i> hand) at another, which I shall really +believe in all through.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely +unprolific. So I was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE +WILSON FOX bravely keeping the old flag flying with a story +bearing the gallant title, <i>Too Near the Throne</i> (S.P.C.K.). +I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly shrewd +guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as +pretext for an abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You +can see that in practised hands (as here) and decorated +with a pretty trimming of sentiment, abductions, witch-finding +and other appropriate accessories, this furnishes +a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought disappointed +that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, +and that, having started "too near the throne," the tale +subsequently gave it so wide a berth. But this is no great +fault. I can witness that Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one +essential quality of +the historical novelist +in her appreciation +of picturesque +raiment. Almost indeed +she emulates +those jewelled paragraphs +in which the +creator of <i>Windsor +Castle</i> would fill half +a chapter with a riot +of sartorial coruscations. +As a birthday +present, say for an +appreciative niece, I +can think of few +volumes whose welcome +would be better +assured.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in <i>St. George +and the Dragon</i> +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last +St. George's Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future +which he delivered up and down America from January to +August of last year. Since then many things have happened. +But nothing has happened that can make Mr. MASEFIELD +other than proud of the part he has played in explaining +and glorifying his country's cause and commending it to +the hearts and minds of all good Americans. I confess that +when I took up the book and read the first few lines I was +afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had yielded to the temptation +of delivering his speech in poetical prose of a faintly Biblical +character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time I did not +know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. +I could fill a speech with thanks and praise—thanks for the +kindness and welcome which have met me up and down this +land wherever I have gone, and praise for the great national +effort which I have seen in so many places and felt everywhere." +Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned this +manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid +pedestrian style. But he did not disdain to go so far in +flattery of the Americans, his audience, as to use the word +"gotten" for the past tense of the verb "to get."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There can be few Irishmen who look at their England +with such affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. <i>Tales of +War</i> (FISHER UNWIN) is full of this sweet theme. The first +of the tales is a fine story of the Daleswood men who, cut +off from their supports and worried because there would +be none left in their native village to carry on the Daleswood +breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to +surrender. But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood +form, they (for their last hours, as they thought) fell to +recalling the familiar beauties of their old home and to +cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of their names for +remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of the +home memories, when, in another marooned party, the +Sargeant that was keeper begins with a vision of sausages +and mashed and goes on to the birds and beasts and flowers +and soft noises of English woods at night. And in a half-dozen +other sketches. And it is good to find an Irishman +and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing +a great deal into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched +in with a conscious art, should find a place on our shelves +among the war records which our children are to read.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/212.png"><img width="100%" src="images/212.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</h3><i>War Profiteer</i>. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did <i>I</i> know yer wanted a toy?"</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +"When the wife of President Wilson was +in London she spent hours shopping in Regent +Street and other quaint sections of London."—<i>Daily Gleaner</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>Regent Street <i>will</i> be pleased.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +"Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving +a loving cut from Halifax citizens, described +how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a +few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing +a single revolution of the propellers."—<i>Australian Paper</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>One good cut deserves another.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>THE INFLUENZA-MASK.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle</p> +<p class="i2">And caused the <i>Wacht an Rhein</i> to lose its job,</p> +<p>Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle</p> +<p class="i2">And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob—</p> +<p>Shall I allow each little grinning urchin</p> +<p class="i2">To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink</p> +<p>For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin?</p> +<p class="i4">No, no! I do <i>not</i> think.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting</p> +<p class="i2">And lay me under Balham's local curse;</p> +<p>There be—I know it—those in Upper Tooting</p> +<p class="i2">Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse;</p> +<p>But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket</p> +<p class="i2">Millions will bless me!—more I cannot ask;</p> +<p>So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it!</p> +<p class="i4">And, Jane, bring forth the mask!"</p> + </div> </div> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11094-h/images/193.png b/11094-h/images/193.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..53cdca2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/193.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/195.png b/11094-h/images/195.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec5da56 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/195.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/196.png b/11094-h/images/196.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f06ebf6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/196.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/197.png b/11094-h/images/197.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebde95a --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/197.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/198.png b/11094-h/images/198.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45bb3ce --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/198.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/199.png b/11094-h/images/199.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a8a26dd --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/199.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/201.png b/11094-h/images/201.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9cd1c09 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/201.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/202.png b/11094-h/images/202.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48c4e0f --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/202.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/203.png b/11094-h/images/203.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a79fb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/203.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/205-1.png b/11094-h/images/205-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4545b62 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/205-1.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/205-2.png b/11094-h/images/205-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc8e554 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/205-2.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/206.png b/11094-h/images/206.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b02c86 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/206.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/207.png b/11094-h/images/207.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3e7686 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/207.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/209.png b/11094-h/images/209.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..000212f --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/209.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/210.png b/11094-h/images/210.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..244d66c --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/210.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/211.png b/11094-h/images/211.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d44d77 --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/211.png diff --git a/11094-h/images/212.png b/11094-h/images/212.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e5fb1f --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/images/212.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba03c83 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11094 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11094) diff --git a/old/11094-8.txt b/old/11094-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e19699 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2194 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +March 12, 1919
, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
+ +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 15, 2004 [eBook #11094] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, MARCH 12, 1919
*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11094-h.htm or 11094-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h/11094-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +MARCH 12, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The spread of influenza is said to be greatly assisted by +"germ-carriers." We can't think why germs should be carried. Let +'em walk. + + *** + +According to _The Sunday Express_ a young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was also a murder confession in the +Press last week. + + *** + +"Whitehall," says a Society organ, "has succumbed to the Jazz, the +Fox-trot and the Bunny-hug." It still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling. + + *** + +A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he was suffering +from an attack of influenza and had taken some whisky. Yes, but where +from? + + *** + +We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," which appeared +in a daily paper the other day, misled a great number of sufferers, +who at once wrote to say that they were prepared to make the exchange. + + *** + +It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car has been +produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced by pedestrians +when being run over by a car is said to have been eliminated. + + *** + +Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the pancake thrown to +the boys at Westminster School in the presence of the KING and QUEEN +appeared to fall flat. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the little Kensington boy who was tossed by +a huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is stated to be going on nicely. + + *** + +Five hundred and twenty-seven pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone magistrate. Why this +invidious distinction? + + *** + +"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in +his own home against everyone but his wife." It is surmised that his +Honour never kept a cook. + + *** + +We are informed that the dispute between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has been settled by the latter name +being changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union." + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour the creation of a new Order for +deserving Welshmen. The revival of the Order of the Golden Fleece +is suggested. + + *** + +A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of +"satin-walnut hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had +had its day. + + *** + +Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier stated that he remembered +nothing about his second marriage and pleaded that he was +absent-minded. A very good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married. + + *** + +A sorry blow has been dealt at those who maintain we are not a +commercial race. "You gave me prussic acid in mistake for quinine this +morning," a man told a chemist the other day. "Is that so?" said the +chemist; "then you owe me another twopence." + + *** + +For the benefit of those about to emigrate we have pleasure in +furnishing the exclusive information that very shortly there will +be big openings in America for corkscrew-straighteners. + + *** + +We are now able to state that the wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without a hymeneal ode from the POET +LAUREATE. + + *** + +We understand that a lady operator who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other day would have been severely +reprimanded but for her plea that she mistook him for a subscriber. + + *** + +It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In +these days of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot. + + *** + +We hear privately that one of our leading dailies has fixed April 14th +as the date on which its office "correspondent" will first hear the +note of the cuckoo in Epping Forest. + + *** + +Several suspicious cases of sickness are reported among the aborigines +of New South Wales. It is not yet known whether they are due to +influenza or to the native custom of partaking heavily of snakepie on +the eve of Lent. + + *** + +Nottingham will hold its six hundred and fifty-eighth annual Goose +Fair this year, and a local paper has made a distinct hit by stating +that it is "the oldest gathering of its kind except the House of +Commons." + + *** + +President EBERT, according to the _Frankfort Gazette_, is to have a +Chief Master of Ceremonies. One of his first duties, in which he will +have the advice of prominent musicians, will be to fix an authorised +style of eating _Sauerkraut_ which shall be impressive yet devoid of +ostentation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a +certain London restaurant at night have supper given to them by the +management.] + +_First Taxi_. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?" + +_Second ditto_. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD +BEAN."] + + * * * * * + + "A woman's sphere was her own home, that she should earn her own + living was inimical to domestic happiness; it was almost contra + bonus morus, which is a very serious thing indeed."--_Scots + Paper_. + +It certainly would be for Smith mi. if he said it in class. + + * * * * * + + "The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles ----, a full-blooded + Sioux Indian, and the only full-blooded literary man among the + North American Indians."--_American Paper_. + +We could spare some of our full-blooded, literary men if there is a +shortage in America. + + * * * * * + +MONUMENTS OF THE WAR. + + Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay + Our triumphs gathered all across the map; + Lest other topics--like the weather, say, + Or jazzing--should supplant the recent scrap; + Or lest a future race whose careless lot + Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid + Millennial balm, be unaware of what + (Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;-- + + Let such invite our architects to plan + Great monumental works in steel and stone, + Certain to catch the eye of any man + And make our victories generally known; + Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built, + In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set, + And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:-- + "IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET." + + Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored, + Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest, + Baring her ravaged beauty to record + The Culture of the Bosch when at his best; + At Albert, even where it bit the ground, + Low let the Image lie and tell its fate, + Poignant memento, like our own renowned + ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate). + + For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween, + Sufficiently recall these fateful years; + I need no monument for keeping green + All that I suffered in the Volunteers; + Therefore I urge the Army Council, at + Its earliest leisure, please--next week would do-- + To raze the hutments opposite my flat, + That still impinge on my riparian view. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES. + +It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be demobilised, that I +decided to buy a pair of warm gloves from Ordnance. + +After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. Depot, the +Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., I found myself, at the end +of a morning's strenuous walking, confronted by notices on a closed +door stating that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment Issue +Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would re-open at 14.00. + +I went away to lunch. + +At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and entered. From +14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the R.A.F. smoking cigarettes +and choosing a pair of socks, and studied notices to the effect that +this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that only Officers +were permitted to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office would close at +16.00. + +At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, he had an +appointment at three, and would return, old bean--er, Corporal--in +the morning to see about those dashed socks. The Corporal behind +the counter blew away a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me +distrustfully. + +"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, woollen, +knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence." + +"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. I'll take them +now." + +But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, watching +another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate for gloves, +woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, pairs one. At 15.05 I was +in another building, getting the indent stamped and countersigned. +At 15.12 I was in another building, exchanging it for a buff form in +duplicate. At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went through +the motions of taking up the gloves. + +"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding them away; "you +must first produce your Field Advance Book as a proof of identity." + +"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I explained. "You +see, in Egypt, where I come from--that is, I was attached, you know, +to the--well, in short, I haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I +said before. But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof--they +do that in Egypt, you know--and I have my identity discs, my +demobilisation papers, my cheque-book--oh, and heaps of other things +which would prove to you that I am really me. Besides, my name is sewn +inside the back of my tunic. _And_ my shirt," I added hopefully. + +"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the Corporal coldly, +"your only course is to obtain a certificate of identity from the Camp +Commandant." + +"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take me a +quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office and another +quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get a certificate of identity +under an hour and a-half. It is now twenty-five past three. You close +at four. To-morrow morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... +You see how impossible it all is, Corporal." + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to issue the gloves +without your Field Advance Book or a certificate of identity." + +"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, Corporal, how cold it +will be across Italy and France without gloves. I've been in the East +for over four years, and I might get pneumonia and die, you know." + +"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. "It may not take so +long as you think." + + * * * * * + +At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office with my A.B.64, +identity discs, demobilisation papers and cheque-book ready to hand, +and my tunic loosened at the neck. + +At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence. + +At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, with a +certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest piece of work I +have ever known in the Army. And I might have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in +disguise for all they knew in the office--or cared. + + * * * * * + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment Issue +Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to another officer while +you were away." + +ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +ON HALF RATIONS. + + "Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable + home. Treated as _one_ of the family."--_Daily Paper_. + +The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this niggardly +arrangement. + + * * * * * + + "V.A.D.--Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., + Piano, Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital + closing down and having same for sale, kindly communicate + with Secretary."--_Times_. + +We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected to do under +the piano and billiard table, but we presume that her consent would be +required, and that she would not be sold, so to speak, over her own +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TURN OF THE TIDE. + +JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_AMATEUR THEATRICAL REHEARSAL_. + +_Author_. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK _MY_ LINES, AND +THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH." + +_Tommy (on short leave)_. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY +LEAVE?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE RHINE. + +I. + +"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and infamous Hun, I am, I am." + +We are obliged to repeat this continually to ourselves in order to +present the stern and forbidding air which is supposed to mark our +dealings with the inhabitants. For, look you, we have usurped the +place of the Royal Jocks on the "right flank of the British Army," and +are on outpost duty, with our right resting on the bank of the Rhine, +while in front the notice-boards, "Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare +at us. + +No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, pay-through-the-nose people +that we were. No longer does our daily routine include the smile for +Mademoiselle, the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny for the little +ones. No, we steel ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted to +us, and struggle to offer a perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum." + +What does Thomas think of it all? Well, to tell the truth, I haven't +caught him thinking very much about it. Gloating seems foreign to his +nature somehow, and I don't think he will ever make a really good +Hun. He is rather like a child who for four years has been crying +incessantly for the moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, I'm glad +I've got it; now let's get on with something else," and takes not the +slightest interest in the silly old moon he has acquired with so much +trouble. + +There are two things to which he cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the inhabitants and the realisation +that his laboriously acquired knowledge of the French language is no +longer of any avail. He will never quite get over the former of these +two disabilities, but he is coping courageously with the latter. +For instance, in place of the "No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" now +explains that "Your saucepan I borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of environment makes very little +difference to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart and the necessary +rations, a British oasis will appear and be prepared to flourish in +any old desert you like. + +No, I am wrong. There is another difficulty which as yet he has not +been able entirely to overcome. I cannot describe the consternation +which came over the Company when I informed them that there was no +longer any need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. At first they +thought it was just a Company Commander's humour and paid it the usual +compliments of the parade; but when they found I was serious they were +simply appalled. It was as if I had taken the very spice out of their +existence. Not to be able to go out and "win" a handful of fuel for +the evening's fug and for the brewing of those unwholesome messes in +the tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could not have propounded a more +revolutionary principle. Heartbroken some of the old soldiers came +to me afterwards. "What are we to do, Sir?" they said. "We only go +on guard four hours in sixteen; we must do something the rest of the +time." Sternly I bade them think of scrounging as a thing of the +past--a thing of glorious memory only to be spoken of round the fires +at home. If they wanted anything in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it. + +For let me tell you, all you demobilised wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life were matters of private +enterprise--let me tell you that in this village, if I say that I +require coal, _coal is here_, and with it the Bürgermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We must have beds? The spare beds +of the village are forthcoming. If we want baths for the men, our +Mr. Carfax, who speaks a language which the inhabitants pretend to +understand, goes round to the householders and explains the necessity. +Should there be any difficulty he explains further that it would be +_much_ better, don't they think, and _much_ more convenient if the +men visited the houses, rather than that baths should be carried to +some central place? It is invariably found to be preferable for all +concerned. + +Bathing has now become a pleasure to all, except, perhaps, to +Nijinsky, our Pole from Commercial Road, East. On being presented +(for the first time, I gather) to a first-class bathroom with geyser +complete, he evinced signs of great uneasiness. In fact he seemed to +think that this was making a parade of a purely private matter. The +Sergeant-Major, being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the +thing a trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his hands in characteristic +fashion and said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, anyhow," and +they left him to it. The rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and leaving the gas on, of a loud +explosion and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and frightened, fleeing +through the main street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently I heard +him expressing forcibly a fixed determination never, _never_ to be +persuaded against his will again. + +Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be a Hun. Every day we go about +telling one another what Huns we are and how we love our hunnishness. +And yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I don't believe all our +efforts amount to anything really; they wouldn't deceive a child--and +in fact they don't. For ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have acquired an extraordinarily +good imitation of Tommy's salute, and, though Subalterns and +Sergeant-Majors may go about gnashing their teeth and wearing +expressions of frightful ferocity, still the youngsters grin +fearlessly as they raise their tiny fingers. They know it isn't real. +They know a Hun when they see him all right; what child doesn't? + +And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking one of them up from the gutter the +other day and soothing its tears with the baby-talk of all nations. I +told him he was fraternising abominably and was not being a true Hun. + +"Well," he said, "you can't leave a child yelling in a puddle, can +you?" + +And, damn it, you can't, so what's the use of trying to be hunnish? + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who is +searching for a tip)_. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +RAPID PROMOTION. + +From a Parliamentary report:-- + + "Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General Seely said ... General + Seely, replying ..."--_Daily Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "The canonical proceedings for the beatification of Pope Pius IX. + and Christopher Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As the + result of a very close investigation, it was decided that these + two candidates lacked certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. + had signed death sentences and Christopher Columbus was held + responsible for massacres."--_Sunday Paper_. + +This news, we understand, has caused a painful impression at +Amerongen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)_. "ONE MORE +QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN _YOU_ COOK?" + +_Her Ladyship_. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER." + +_Cook_. "OH--DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL +MISTRESS."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE. + +In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to +their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of +doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some +useful results might follow. + +None did. + +The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once +the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the +least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little +serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific +investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds +as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and +poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.) + +Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could +affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance +of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be +out in the cold. + +A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was +necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection. +Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his +papers and left the room. + +Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best +preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick +clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an +excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his +patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help. + +Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for +the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The +best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure +mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it. + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He +personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived +healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and +drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their +fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold. +Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left. + +Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience +colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing +the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served +to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so +freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered. + +Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of +Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last +speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was +so bad as to check them. + +Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far +more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there +was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably +manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a +long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting, +followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France. +(Loud coughs and cheers.) + +Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should +not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was +so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at +home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily +be contradicted by a competent authority. + +Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the +greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy. + +Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass +of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy. +Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses. + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve +manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which +time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one +who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer +Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause, +evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than +that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to +address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed. + +Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had +even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for +coal. + +Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so +efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the +habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free +from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace +Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers. + +Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed. + +Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention, +and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a +cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation. + +The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our +reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S +remarks, took his departure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour +party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T +THEY?" + +_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY +USED TO."] + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. + + "NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE. + + "To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4. + + * * * * * + + "HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON. + + "All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the + maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._ + +To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled +price: + + "Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could + assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not + within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been +conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise. + + * * * * * + + "When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If + the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight + persons the increase is 800 per cent. + + "How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of + 800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily + Sketch_. + +"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German +indemnity. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXXX. + +My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this +deal, I seem a model of innocence. + +Let me refresh your memory of the facts. + +In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in +the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I +was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom +we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and +another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood +at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as +you would put it, other things were equal. + +Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed +with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office, +said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go. +I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I +couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He +offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it +for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better +prosecution of the War. + +I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but +regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no +control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which +could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he +produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then +withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the +money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from +the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell +you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared. + +My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of +the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for +instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in +my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent +messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent. +Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually +declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer. + +There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin +would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds +which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the +rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man) +ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for +a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and +pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_. + +More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted +by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man +who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the +rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full +of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention +in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just +cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to +the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to +do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the +very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense" +basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs +profit_. + +That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well +have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I +thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the +Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England, +sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took +some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had +had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five +guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I +at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the +proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's +Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of +trouble again. + +Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it +was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed +character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out +orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and +twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice +as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell +me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption. + +I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer. + +I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government. + +With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as +representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion), + +I remain, + +Yours sincerely, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +PIVOTS. + + "Bermondsey Bill," who used to be + The idol of the N.S.C., + Began to fight in 17-- + P.T. instructor, very keen, + Teaching recruits to jab the faces + Of dummy Germans at the bases. + But Bill, I see, is booked to box + Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks, + And nobody should feel surprised + That Bill has been demobilised. + + Although the War upset, I fear, + John Jones's pacifist career, + He did not murmur or repine, + But hurried to the nearest mine, + And stuck it till the "refugees" + Were all transplanted overseas. + In France he saw some dreadful scenes + As salesman in E.F. canteens; + But when the Bosch had been chastised + _He_ was at once demobilised. + + A most diverting person, Brown-- + The "star" comedian in Town, + And, since he donned a posh Sam B., + O.C. Amusements, L. of C. + He steadfastly refused to whine + Because he never saw the Line, + But carried on, stout fellow, and + Is now at home, I understand. + A pivot so well-paid and prized + Just _had_ to be demobilised. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE +BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?" + +_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. +YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +OCCUPIED OPERA. + +It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and +as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between +the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the +German clerk in the box-office. + +I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his +whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for +the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The +demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the +military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated +every week. + +We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic +queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up +my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer, +a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind +round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R. +turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick +it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his +first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues, +and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance +of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the +situation had the attraction of novelty. + +By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was +going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we +moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the +relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was +over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing +to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for +next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!" + +How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in +which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In +vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the +world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but +Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_. +Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was +his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine +Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation, +vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last +he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the +authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window. + +I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two +mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have +happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an +order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the +ticket so unwarrantably withheld. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU +DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT." + +_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?" + +_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +PTERO-DACTYLS. + +(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._) + + Dædalus, once in the island of Crete, + Finding his host tried to limit his scenery, + Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet, + Went and invented some flying machinery; + Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks + Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any, + Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax, + Fitting another pair on to his progeny; + So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us, + First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus. + + Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail + (Science of old wasn't hard on her votary, + So little mention you find in the tale + Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary); + Silently skimming along in the air + Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer, + "Mind that your altitude's low, and beware + Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!" + Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it, + Flew in the face of his father and scouted it. + + Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun, + Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor; + Higher and higher he banked and he spun, + Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore. + "Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts? + Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty; + I'll find a method of stopping your stunts; + Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity." + Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em, + Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em). + + Down to the depths of the bottomless sea + Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity, + Leaving a name for the ages to be. + "Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity." + See from the sequel the fitness of things: + Nearly forgotten this early adventure is; + Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings + Still its revenge in the course of the centuries. + Over the sky, from the east to the west of it, + Man has decidedly now got the best of it. + + R.A.F. + + * * * * * + +TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS. + +Extract from a tradesman's circular:-- + + "Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite + shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your + Spring term requirements." + + * * * * * + + "A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough + Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_. + +But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our +bureaucrats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN +ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been +temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of +Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury +Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but +presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged. + +The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN +REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a +"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too +little of it was available. + +[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A +DEMOBILISATION ON?"] + +On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the +Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with +amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where +amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in +future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a +long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary." + +Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the +_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor. +How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present +position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate, +but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should +need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved +General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its +phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on +war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led +to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli. + +"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other +Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the +League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the +utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in +being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed +Power. + +A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening. +The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere +in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial +effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial. + +[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.] + +_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden +speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career. +Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential +in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a +dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by +the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report. + +No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary +curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear +complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded +for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston +Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily +clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as +lightning-conductor. + +The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape +from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet +girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly +stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all +knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive? + +_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR +were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently +suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of +Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord +SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his +full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where +they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together +until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of +Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went +through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the +"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about +subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If +the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as +missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial +fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed. +Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that +"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion. + +At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any +money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount +somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself +and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a +composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This +is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not +misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for +our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step. + +On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial +straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo, +and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour +leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members +of Parliament. + +_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners +as had not already saved them the trouble. + +History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD +enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase. +JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of +PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation. + +The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a +storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its +election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone +to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby +was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of +the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription." + +A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW +remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit +place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view +that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and +passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SENTINELS. + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the night + There are Fairy Sentinels + Watching till it's light; + If they ever went to sleep + The Big Clock would tell; + But, Left-Right! Left-Right! + They know their duty well; + I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear, + The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair! + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the day + There the Fairy Sentinels + Sleep the time away; + If you were to wake them up, + Think how tired they'd be, + So Tip-toe! Tip-toe! + Go upstairs quietly. + Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair-- + The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP." + +_He_. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."] + + * * * * * + +THE SPACE PROBLEM. + + The sad queues shiver in the drains + And do not get upon the bus; + Men battle round successive trains, + And each is yet more populous; + Twelve times a week I pay the fare, + But know not when I last sat down; + It almost looks as if there were + Too many people in the town. + + I know not where they all may dwell; + I know my lease is up in May; + I know I said, "Oh, very well, + I'll take a house down Dorking way;" + I scoured the spacious countryside, + I found no residence to spare, + And it is not to be denied + There are too many people there. + + They say the birth-rate's sadly low; + They say the death-rate tends to soar; + So how we manage I don't know + To go on growing more and more; + Let statistology prefer + To think the race is nice and small, + But how do all these crowds occur, + And who the dickens are they all? + + Where do they come from? Where on earth + In olden days did they reside, + When there was really lots of birth + And hardly anybody died? + Where had this multitude its lair? + Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt; + I only wish they'd go back there + And leave me room to move about; + + And leave some little house for me + In any shire, in any town, + Or, otherwise, myself must flee + And build a dug-out in a down; + If none may settle on the land, + Yet might one settle underground + (Provided people understand + They must not come and dig all round). + + There will I dwell (alone) till death + And soothe my crowd-corroded soul; + And, when I breathe my latest breath, + Let no man move me from my hole; + Let but a little earth be cast, + And someone write above the tomb: + "_Here had the poet peace at last; + Here only had he elbow-room._" + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE SWEET-SHOP. + +It was a mean street somewhere in the wilderness of Fulham. How I +got there I don't exactly know; all that I am clear about is that I +was trying, on insufficient data, to make a short cut. Twilight was +falling, there was a slight drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London. + +Here and there, breaking the monotony of dark house-fronts, were +little isolated shops, which gave a touch of colour to the drabness. I +paused before one of them, through whose small and dim window a light +shed a melancholy beam upon the pavement. Nothing seemed to be sold +there, for the window was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," "pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." +Apparently the shop had sold out. + +I was on the point of turning away when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an ancient dame began to take +certain jars from the window and fill them with sweets from boxes on +the counter. Evidently a new stock had just arrived. Then I remembered +that sweets had been "freed." + +A little girl stopped beside me, stared through the window and +then ran off at top speed. Within a couple of minutes half-a-dozen +youngsters were peering into the shop, and a pair of them marched in, +consulting earnestly as they went. The news spread; more children +arrived. I distributed a largesse of pennies which gave me a +popularity I have never achieved before. The street seemed to take on +a different aspect. I almost liked it. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD DOG. + +There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti getting to be an +old dog, but he has already got there. He _is_ an old dog. Yet the +change in the case of this beloved little Pekinese has been so gradual +that until it was accomplished few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as +it seemed, Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the crown of +the road and refused to stir from it though all the hooters of Europe +endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day he is still a challenger of +motor-cars; but he hurls his defiance with less assurance and has been +seen to retire before the advance of a motor-bicycle. + +Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, let us hope +with accuracy, a _cruda viridisque senectus_. Quite a short time ago +his muzzle, like the rest of him, was as black as ebony. Now he wears +a pair of thick white moustachios, which are comparable only with +those worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE. + +In another way too our little dog gives proof that his years are +advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the moment of the +_promenade_; not that he intended thus to show any deference to the +humans who were inviting him to take a walk, but that he thought it +was a fine manly thing to do, and one that might bring about that +fight of his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to which +he looked forward as to one of his unachieved pleasures. He therefore +fell not more than one hundred yards behind his accompanists, and when +this was pointed out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up +and rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he still barks +a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at once to lag, and is +found in an armchair when the party returns. It is vain to remind +him that in the old days he was called the little black feather for +the lightness of his gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce +nor'-easter. Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:-- + + "Attend to your duty, + My brave little Soo-ti, + There isn't much sun in the sky: + But we've sported together + In all kinds of weather, + My little black feather and I." + +It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and plain prose +is equally ineffective when once he has made up his mind that he +doesn't mean to move. + +One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly describe. He is +always much agitated when his mistress packs her boxes to depart to an +institution for higher education of which she is a member. While this +is going forward, Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to +couch in the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, to +leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, and to sink down +with a sigh of satisfaction on what was once a very artistic bit of +packing. I do not say that this trick is entirely due to old age. +Nearly all dogs do it. Only there was on the last occasion a special +anxiety, and a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back soon, so that +we may meet again before my eyes grow dim and my ears lose their +keenness." + + * * * * * + + "In future all unmarried men and women having an income of $1,000 + will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed unless + their income is over $1,500,000."--_Canadian Gazette_. + +The poor fellows must have some compensation. + + * * * * * + +THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP. + + ["C.K.S.," in _The Sphere_, describing his numerous visits to + GEORGE MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can + he claim to have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I + always make the test of intimate friendship when people call one + another by their Christian names."] + + The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S." + Is intimacy's truest test; but "George," + When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess) + Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge; + And to the end he never got beyond + The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond. + + How sad to think this barrier was never + Demolished, broken down and swept away, + But still remained to sunder and to sever + Two of the choicest spirits of our day! + For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind, + On this one point showed an inclement mind. + + The case was simplified in days of eld; + HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name, + And an Athenian bookman, if impelled + To visit him at Chios, when he came + Across the blind old poet and beach-comber, + Addressed him probably _tout court_ as HOMER. + + PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim-- + Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic; + And SHORTER could not have accosted him + By _sobriquets_ endearing or ecstatic; + It would have certainly provoked a scene, + For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean." + + Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited + As an illustrious brother of the quill, + Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted + To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill," + And in the small uproarious hours A.M. + Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"? + + Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed; + Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain; + What might have been can never be revealed, + But one momentous fact at least is plain: + We know from an authoritative quarter + That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER. + + * * * * * + +THE TWOPENNY EGG. + +The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the twopenny egg." +On making inquiries we learn that this phenomenon will be invisible +at Greenwich, but may be viewed from the North of Scotland, a region +happily less inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions +have in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions differ as +to the best point for observation, but it is probable that the island +of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen. + + * * * * * + + "Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all + know that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all + icy suspicion."--_Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star"._ + +It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted. + + * * * * * + + "The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he + met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged + to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot + belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp + instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet + completely healed."--_Evening Paper_. + +The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great +Bear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOPED LION. A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.] + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE. + +True sportsmen will regret Mr. ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, "I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve." + +By "improve" he no doubt meant that when we ring up a number in future +we shall simply get it; that people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect. + +I only hope the improvement will be delayed until I get my own back. I +have been playing rather a bad line lately, and only this morning lost +a set by one game to two. + + * * * * * + +The operator won the first game before I could get into my stride. +She rang me up three times in five minutes, and each time put me on +to nobody. This was a very bad start, and I determined that I must +at least give her a game. So the third time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular ring arrangement up and down. There is +always a chance that your signal may be working, and it annoys the +operator. But she beat me by a swift stroke. + +"What number do you want?" she asked cynically. I said, "Well played, +Sir--Madam!" Then she rubbed it in with a parting shot: "Sorry you +have been terroubled," she said, and cut me off. Love--one. + + * * * * * + +"Hullo!" I said, when my bell rang the next time. + +"Put me through to Extension 8, please." + +The only thing to do with this sort of shot is to return it safely. + +"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one." + +"Haven't _what_?" he said. + +"Got one." + +"One what?" + +"Extension." + +Then he became annoyed and shouted, "Aren't you the War Office?" + +"No," I answered, "I am not the War Office." + +"Aren't you the War Off--" + +But I clapped on my receiver. In fact I clapped it on so violently +that I thought I had silenced the thing for good and all. + +A series of tugging ineffective clicks on the part of my bell decided +me to investigate. This move on my part was to win me the game. + +I took off my receiver and listened. No answer. I banged the rigging. +No answer. I banged and thumped. + +"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, "I am attending to you as +quickly as I can. What number do you want?" + +"Well," I explained, "as a matter of fact I don't want a number. +I only wondered if my line was all right. Sorry you have been +terroubled," and I cut her off. One--all. + + * * * * * + +The third and last game started briskly. In the course of the first +ten minutes I was rung up and asked if I was-- + +1. The Timber Control. + +2. Mr. Awl or All. + +3. The Timber Control (again). + +4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my +head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.") + +My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he, +rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me. +In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator, +without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This +must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the +emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it +is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the +Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded. + +She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by +and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I +was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said +she would have my line seen to. + +The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift +stroke. My bell rang. + +"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have +received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a +man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon." + +This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches: +of the Telephone Engineering Department. + +"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's +sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off, +there's a good fellow." + +"But I thought there was something wrong--" + +"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved +better in its life. It's a positive joy to me." + +I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at +all times. But I had lost the set. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION. + +_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?" + +_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is +slate."] + + * * * * * + + "On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of + the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in + pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in + Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Personally we were not bidding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE, +CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK." + +_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._ +"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL." + +_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM +BEHIND."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +When a story bears the attractive title of _The House of Courage_ +(DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of 1914 with a number of +pleasantly prosperous people whose faith in the continuance of this +prosperity is frequently emphasised ("as if they had a contract with +God Almighty" is how an observant character phrases it); and when, +in the first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans in +a Soho restaurant--well, it requires no great guessing to tell what +will happen before we are through with it. And, in fact, Mrs. VICTOR +RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; though with this novelty, +that the hero's experiences of service are almost entirely gained in a +German prison-camp. As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault that the +earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting society in County +Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than the scenes of boredom +and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed as these are and almost +over-realistic and convincing. Inevitably too the scheme is one of +incident rather than character. One has never any very serious doubt +that in the long run the hero, _Kennedy_, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly unworthy +_Harrington_. But as part of the long run was from Crefeld to the +Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that you can imagine (and a few +more, including an admirable thrill almost on the post), one is left +with the comfortable feeling that the prize was well earned. You will +rightly judge that most of _The House of Courage_ is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; but it +remains an excellent yarn. + + * * * * * + +When _Esmé Hillier_, possessed by _The Imp_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed the hero (to whom she +had had no previous introduction) into the sea. I have some sympathy +with her energetic protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the +age of sixteen should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. _Esmé_, a pained spectator, showed her public +spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act she sealed her own +fate, for after this it was inevitable that they should ultimately +marry each other, the girl of the kissing episode notwithstanding. The +immediate incentive to their union, which was by the Scotch method, +was that _Esmé_ had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and _Tourntourq_, the +Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. Though married +in haste they did not wait for leisure before they repented, but +commenced quarrelling at once, until _Esmé_, in order to test his love +and that of an admirer who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" +her hair and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this they +separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, who was really +quite a nice person, was killed, and _Tourntourq_, who was apparently +a lunatic, though that is not stated in so many words, was blinded. +It seems quite superfluous to add that _Tourntourq_ wins the V.C. and +recovers both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there are such +good patches in the book that I cannot help hoping that some day +WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand (I feel it is _her_ hand) at another, +which I shall really believe in all through. + + * * * * * + +Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely unprolific. So I +was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE WILSON FOX bravely keeping the +old flag flying with a story bearing the gallant title, _Too Near the +Throne_ (S.P.C.K.). I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly +shrewd guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as pretext for an +abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You can see that in practised +hands (as here) and decorated with a pretty trimming of sentiment, +abductions, witch-finding and other appropriate accessories, +this furnishes a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought +disappointed that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, and +that, having started "too near the throne," the tale subsequently gave +it so wide a berth. But this is no great fault. I can witness that +Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one essential quality of the historical +novelist in her appreciation of picturesque raiment. Almost indeed she +emulates those jewelled paragraphs in which the creator of _Windsor +Castle_ would fill half a chapter with a riot of sartorial +coruscations. As a birthday present, say for an appreciative niece, I +can think of few volumes whose welcome would be better assured. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in _St. George and the Dragon_ +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last St. George's +Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future which he delivered up +and down America from January to August of last year. Since then +many things have happened. But nothing has happened that can make Mr. +MASEFIELD other than proud of the part he has played in explaining and +glorifying his country's cause and commending it to the hearts and +minds of all good Americans. I confess that when I took up the book +and read the first few lines I was afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had +yielded to the temptation of delivering his speech in poetical prose +of a faintly Biblical character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time +I did not know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. I +could fill a speech with thanks and praise--thanks for the kindness +and welcome which have met me up and down this land wherever I have +gone, and praise for the great national effort which I have seen in so +many places and felt everywhere." Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned +this manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid pedestrian +style. But he did not disdain to go so far in flattery of the +Americans, his audience, as to use the word "gotten" for the past +tense of the verb "to get." + + * * * * * + +There can be few Irishmen who look at their England with such +affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. _Tales of War_ (FISHER UNWIN) is +full of this sweet theme. The first of the tales is a fine story of +the Daleswood men who, cut off from their supports and worried because +there would be none left in their native village to carry on the +Daleswood breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to surrender. +But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood form, they (for their +last hours, as they thought) fell to recalling the familiar beauties +of their old home and to cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of +their names for remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of +the home memories, when, in another marooned party, the Sargeant that +was keeper begins with a vision of sausages and mashed and goes on +to the birds and beasts and flowers and soft noises of English woods +at night. And in a half-dozen other sketches. And it is good to find +an Irishman and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing a great deal +into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched in with a conscious +art, should find a place on our shelves among the war records which +our children are to read. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. + +_War Profiteer_. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did _I_ know yer wanted +a toy?"] + + * * * * * + + "When the wife of President Wilson was in London she spent + hours shopping in Regent Street and other quaint sections of + London."--_Daily Gleaner_. + +Regent Street _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving a loving cut from + Halifax citizens, described how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a + few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing + a single revolution of the propellers."--_Australian Paper_. + +One good cut deserves another. + + * * * * * + +THE INFLUENZA-MASK. + + "Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle + And caused the _Wacht an Rhein_ to lose its job, + Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle + And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob-- + Shall I allow each little grinning urchin + To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink + For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin? + No, no! I do _not_ think. + + "My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting + And lay me under Balham's local curse; + There be--I know it--those in Upper Tooting + Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse; + But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket + Millions will bless me!--more I cannot ask; + So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it! + And, Jane, bring forth the mask!" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, MARCH 12, 1919
*** + + +******* This file should be named 11094-8.txt or 11094-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/0/9/11094 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. 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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+March 12, 1919
+, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: February 15, 2004 [eBook #11094]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, MARCH 12, 1919
***</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+ and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3></center>
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+ <h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+ <h2>March 12, 1919.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>The spread of influenza is said to be
+greatly assisted by "germ-carriers."
+We can't think why germs should be
+carried. Let 'em walk.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to <i>The Sunday Express</i> a
+young American named Frisco states
+that he invented the Jazz. There was
+also a murder confession in the Press last week.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Whitehall," says a Society organ,
+"has succumbed to the Jazz, the Fox-trot
+and the Bunny-hug." It
+still shows a decided preference,
+however, for the Barnacle-cling.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he
+was suffering from an attack of influenza and had taken
+some whisky. Yes, but where from?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza,"
+which appeared in a daily paper the other day,
+misled a great number of sufferers, who at once wrote
+to say that they were prepared to make the exchange.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car
+has been produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced
+by pedestrians when being run over by a car is said
+to have been eliminated.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the
+pancake thrown to the boys at Westminster School in the
+presence of the KING and QUEEN appeared to fall flat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are glad to learn that the little
+Kensington boy who was tossed by a
+huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is
+stated to be going on nicely.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Five hundred and twenty-seven
+pounds of American bacon have been
+declared unfit for food by the Marylebone
+magistrate. Why this invidious
+distinction?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL
+of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in his
+own home against everyone but his
+wife." It is surmised that his Honour
+never kept a cook.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are informed that the dispute
+between the Ministry of Labour and
+the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has
+been settled by the latter name being
+changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour
+the creation of a new Order for deserving
+Welshmen. The revival of the
+Order of the Golden Fleece is suggested.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of "satin-walnut
+hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had had its day.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier
+stated that he remembered nothing
+about his second marriage and pleaded
+that he was absent-minded. A very
+good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace
+every time you get married.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A sorry blow has been dealt at those
+who maintain we are not a commercial
+race. "You gave me prussic acid in
+mistake for quinine this morning," a
+man told a chemist the other day.
+"Is that so?" said the chemist; "then
+you owe me another twopence."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For the benefit of those about to
+emigrate we have pleasure in furnishing
+the exclusive information that very
+shortly there will be big openings in
+America for corkscrew-straighteners.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are now able to state that the
+wedding of Princess PATRICIA and
+Commander RAMSAY passed off without
+a hymeneal ode from the POET LAUREATE.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We understand that a lady operator
+who was impudent to the District
+Supervisor on the telephone the other
+day would have been severely reprimanded
+but for her plea that she
+mistook him for a subscriber.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In these days
+of expensive boots this should be good news to people who
+travel to and from the City by Tube on foot.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We hear privately that one
+of our leading dailies has fixed
+April 14th as the date on which
+its office "correspondent" will
+first hear the note of the cuckoo
+in Epping Forest.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Several suspicious cases of
+sickness are reported among
+the aborigines of New South
+Wales. It is not yet known
+whether they are due to influenza
+or to the native custom
+of partaking heavily of snakepie
+on the eve of Lent.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Nottingham will hold its
+six hundred and fifty-eighth
+annual Goose Fair this year,
+and a local paper has made
+a distinct hit by stating that
+it is "the oldest gathering of
+its kind except the House of Commons."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>President EBERT, according
+to the <i>Frankfort Gazette</i>, is to
+have a Chief Master of Ceremonies.
+One of his first duties,
+in which he will have the advice of
+prominent musicians, will be to fix an
+authorised style of eating <i>Sauerkraut</i>
+which shall be impressive yet devoid
+of ostentation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" src="images/193.png" alt="" /></a><p>[Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a certain London
+restaurant at night have supper given to them by the management.]</p>
+
+<p><i>First Taxi</i>. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second ditto</i>. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD BEAN."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A woman's sphere was her own home, that
+she should earn her own living was inimical
+to domestic happiness; it was almost contra
+bonus morus, which is a very serious thing
+indeed."—<i>Scots Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It certainly would be for Smith mi. if
+he said it in class.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles
+——, a full-blooded Sioux Indian, and the
+only full-blooded literary man among the
+North American Indians."—<i>American Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We could spare some of our full-blooded,
+literary men if there is a shortage in America.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span>
+
+<h2>MONUMENTS OF THE WAR.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay</p>
+<p class="i2">Our triumphs gathered all across the map;</p>
+<p>Lest other topics—like the weather, say,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or jazzing—should supplant the recent scrap;</p>
+<p>Or lest a future race whose careless lot</p>
+<p class="i2">Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid</p>
+<p>Millennial balm, be unaware of what</p>
+<p class="i2">(Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;—</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Let such invite our architects to plan</p>
+<p class="i2">Great monumental works in steel and stone,</p>
+<p>Certain to catch the eye of any man</p>
+<p class="i2">And make our victories generally known;</p>
+<p>Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built,</p>
+<p class="i2">In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set,</p>
+<p>And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:—</p>
+<p class="i2">"IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET."</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored,</p>
+<p class="i2">Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest,</p>
+<p>Baring her ravaged beauty to record</p>
+<p class="i2">The Culture of the Bosch when at his best;</p>
+<p>At Albert, even where it bit the ground,</p>
+<p class="i2">Low let the Image lie and tell its fate,</p>
+<p>Poignant memento, like our own renowned</p>
+<p class="i2">ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate).</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sufficiently recall these fateful years;</p>
+<p>I need no monument for keeping green</p>
+<p class="i2">All that I suffered in the Volunteers;</p>
+<p>Therefore I urge the Army Council, at</p>
+<p class="i2">Its earliest leisure, please—next week would do—</p>
+<p>To raze the hutments opposite my flat,</p>
+<p class="i2">That still impinge on my riparian view.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O.S.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES.</h2>
+
+<p>It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be
+demobilised, that I decided to buy a pair of warm gloves
+from Ordnance.</p>
+
+<p>After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C.
+Depot, the Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A.,
+I found myself, at the end of a morning's strenuous
+walking, confronted by notices on a closed door stating
+that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that
+this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment
+Issue Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited;
+and that the office would re-open at 14.00.</p>
+
+<p>I went away to lunch.</p>
+
+<p>At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and
+entered. From 14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the
+R.A.F. smoking cigarettes and choosing a pair of socks,
+and studied notices to the effect that this was the Officers'
+Payment Issue Department; that only Officers were permitted
+to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department;
+that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office
+would close at 16.00.</p>
+
+<p>At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James,
+he had an appointment at three, and would return, old
+bean—er, Corporal—in the morning to see about those
+dashed socks. The Corporal behind the counter blew away
+a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me distrustfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves,
+woollen, knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely.
+I'll take them now."</p>
+
+<p>But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building,
+watching another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate
+for gloves, woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of,
+pairs one. At 15.05 I was in another building, getting the
+indent stamped and countersigned. At 15.12 I was in
+another building, exchanging it for a buff form in duplicate.
+At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went
+through the motions of taking up the gloves.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding
+them away; "you must first produce your Field Advance
+Book as a proof of identity."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I
+explained. "You see, in Egypt, where I come from—that
+is, I was attached, you know, to the—well, in short, I
+haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I said before.
+But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof—they do
+that in Egypt, you know—and I have my identity discs,
+my demobilisation papers, my cheque-book—oh, and
+heaps of other things which would prove to you that I am
+really me. Besides, my name is sewn inside the back of
+my tunic. <i>And</i> my shirt," I added hopefully.</p>
+
+<p>"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the
+Corporal coldly, "your only course is to obtain a certificate
+of identity from the Camp Commandant."</p>
+
+<p>"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take
+me a quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office
+and another quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get
+a certificate of identity under an hour and a-half. It is
+now twenty-five past three. You close at four. To-morrow
+morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... You
+see how impossible it all is, Corporal."</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to
+issue the gloves without your Field Advance Book or a
+certificate of identity."</p>
+
+<p>"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think,
+Corporal, how cold it will be across Italy and France without
+gloves. I've been in the East for over four years, and
+I might get pneumonia and die, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said.
+"It may not take so long as you think."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office
+with my A.B.64, identity discs, demobilisation papers and
+cheque-book ready to hand, and my tunic loosened at the
+neck.</p>
+
+<p>At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence.</p>
+
+<p>At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened,
+with a certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest
+piece of work I have ever known in the Army. And I might
+have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in disguise for all they knew
+in the office—or cared.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment
+Issue Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to
+another officer while you were away."</p>
+
+<p>ONE OF THE <i>PUNCH</i> BRIGADE.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>On Half Rations.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable home.
+Treated as <i>one</i> of the family."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this
+niggardly arrangement.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"V.A.D.—Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., Piano,
+Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital closing down and
+having same for sale, kindly communicate with Secretary."—<i>Times</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected
+to do under the piano and billiard table, but we presume
+that her consent would be required, and that she would
+not be sold, so to speak, over her own head.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" src="images/195.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE TURN OF THE TIDE.</h3>JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO
+SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" src="images/196.png" alt="" /></a><h3>SCENE.—<i>Amateur Theatrical Rehearsal</i>.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Author</i>. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK <i>MY</i> LINES, AND THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy (on short leave)</i>. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY LEAVE?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ON THE RHINE.</h2>
+
+<h3>I.</h3>
+
+<p>"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and
+infamous Hun, I am, I am."</p>
+
+<p>We are obliged to repeat this continually
+to ourselves in order to present
+the stern and forbidding air which is
+supposed to mark our dealings with
+the inhabitants. For, look you, we
+have usurped the place of the Royal
+Jocks on the "right flank of the British
+Army," and are on outpost duty,
+with our right resting on the bank of
+the Rhine, while in front the notice-boards,
+"Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare at us.</p>
+
+<p>No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going,
+pay-through-the-nose people that
+we were. No longer does our daily routine
+include the smile for Mademoiselle,
+the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny
+for the little ones. No, we steel
+ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted
+to us, and struggle to offer a
+perfect picture of stolid indifference to
+anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum."</p>
+
+<p>What does Thomas think of it all?
+Well, to tell the truth, I haven't caught
+him thinking very much about it.
+Gloating seems foreign to his nature
+somehow, and I don't think he will
+ever make a really good Hun. He is
+rather like a child who for four years
+has been crying incessantly for the
+moon. Having got it, he says, "Well,
+I'm glad I've got it; now let's get on
+with something else," and takes not
+the slightest interest in the silly old
+moon he has acquired with so much trouble.</p>
+
+<p>There are two things to which he
+cannot quite accustom himself: not
+being allowed to fraternize with the
+inhabitants and the realisation that his
+laboriously acquired knowledge of the
+French language is no longer of any
+avail. He will never quite get over
+the former of these two disabilities, but
+he is coping courageously with the
+latter. For instance, in place of the
+"No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot"
+now explains that "Your saucepan I
+borrowed has a hole in it; please, I
+didn't do it." For the rest, change of
+environment makes very little difference
+to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart
+and the necessary rations, a British
+oasis will appear and be prepared to
+flourish in any old desert you like.</p>
+
+<p>No, I am wrong. There is another
+difficulty which as yet he has not been
+able entirely to overcome. I cannot
+describe the consternation which came
+over the Company when I informed
+them that there was no longer any
+need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it.
+At first they thought it was just a
+Company Commander's humour and
+paid it the usual compliments of the
+parade; but when they found I was
+serious they were simply appalled. It
+was as if I had taken the very spice
+out of their existence. Not to be able
+to go out and "win" a handful of fuel
+for the evening's fug and for the brewing
+of those unwholesome messes in the
+tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could
+not have propounded a more revolutionary
+principle. Heartbroken some
+of the old soldiers came to me afterwards.
+"What are we to do, Sir?"
+they said. "We only go on guard four
+hours in sixteen; we must do something
+the rest of the time." Sternly
+I bade them think of scrounging as a
+thing of the past—a thing of glorious
+memory only to be spoken of round
+the fires at home. If they wanted anything
+in the meantime to add to their
+material comfort they were to come to me for it.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span>
+
+<p>For let me tell you, all you demobilised
+wallahs who know only those
+countries where the necessities of life
+were matters of private enterprise—let
+me tell you that in this village, if I say
+that I require coal, <i>coal is here</i>, and
+with it the Bürgermeister inquiring
+politely if my needs are satisfied. We
+must have beds? The spare beds of
+the village are forthcoming. If we
+want baths for the men, our Mr. Carfax,
+who speaks a language which the inhabitants
+pretend to understand, goes
+round to the householders and explains
+the necessity. Should there be any
+difficulty he explains further that it
+would be <i>much</i> better, don't they think,
+and <i>much</i> more convenient if the men
+visited the houses, rather than that
+baths should be carried to some central
+place? It is invariably found to be
+preferable for all concerned.</p>
+
+<p>Bathing has now become a pleasure
+to all, except, perhaps, to Nijinsky, our
+Pole from Commercial Road, East. On
+being presented (for the first time, I
+gather) to a first-class bathroom with
+geyser complete, he evinced signs of
+great uneasiness. In fact he seemed
+to think that this was making a parade
+of a purely private matter. The Sergeant-Major,
+being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the thing a
+trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his
+hands in characteristic fashion and
+said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink,
+anyhow," and they left him to it. The
+rest of the story is concerned with his
+turning off the water in the geyser and
+leaving the gas on, of a loud explosion
+and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and
+frightened, fleeing through the main
+street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently
+I heard him expressing
+forcibly a fixed determination never,
+<i>never</i> to be persuaded against his will again.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be
+a Hun. Every day we go about telling
+one another what Huns we are and
+how we love our hunnishness. And
+yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I
+don't believe all our efforts amount to
+anything really; they wouldn't deceive
+a child—and in fact they don't. For
+ever since we came here one can't help
+noticing that the little tiny natives have
+acquired an extraordinarily good imitation
+of Tommy's salute, and, though
+Subalterns and Sergeant-Majors may
+go about gnashing their teeth and
+wearing expressions of frightful ferocity,
+still the youngsters grin fearlessly
+as they raise their tiny fingers. They
+know it isn't real. They know a Hun
+when they see him all right; what child
+doesn't?</p>
+
+<p>And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking
+one of them up from the gutter the other
+day and soothing its tears with the
+baby-talk of all nations. I told him he
+was fraternising abominably and was
+not being a true Hun.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he said, "you can't leave a
+child yelling in a puddle, can you?"</p>
+
+<p>And, damn it, you can't, so what's
+the use of trying to be hunnish?</p>
+
+<p>L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" src="images/197.png" alt="" /></a><i>Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who
+is searching for a tip)</i>. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING
+HERE ALL NIGHT."</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3>
+
+<p>From a Parliamentary report:—</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General
+Seely said ... General Seely, replying ..."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The canonical proceedings for the beatification
+of Pope Pius IX. and Christopher
+Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As
+the result of a very close investigation, it was
+decided that these two candidates lacked
+certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX.
+had signed death sentences and Christopher
+Columbus was held responsible for massacres."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This news, we understand, has caused
+a painful impression at Amerongen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%"
+src="images/198.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)</i>. "ONE MORE QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN <i>YOU</i> COOK?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Ladyship</i>. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH—DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL MISTRESS."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE.</h2>
+
+<p>In view of the prevalence of colds
+and the varying counsels given to their
+patients by our leading so-called healers,
+a mass meeting of doctors and public
+men was recently convened, with the
+hope that some useful results might follow.</p>
+
+<p>None did.</p>
+
+<p>The Chairman in his opening remarks
+said that colds were at once the
+commonest complaints to which human
+beings were subject and the least understood
+by the faculty. It was scandalous
+that so little serious attention
+should be paid to them by physicians.
+A scientific investigator should be as
+proud of discovering a preventive for
+colds as a scheme of wireless telegraphy.
+But it was not so. Researchers
+were applauded for compounding
+new and more deadly explosives
+and poisonous gas, while the
+whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed.
+The situation was scandalous.
+(Loud sneezes.)</p>
+
+<p>Letters were read, among others,
+from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN
+and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that
+from recent experience they could affirm
+that an equable cold temperature was
+conducive to the avoidance of catarrh.
+In short, an excellent means of escaping
+cold was to be out in the cold.</p>
+
+<p>A representative of the Board of
+Trade said that all that was necessary
+to avoid colds was to keep fit and not
+approach infection. Having offered
+this very practical advice the speaker
+gathered up his papers and left the
+room.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician,
+urged that the best preventive
+for colds was to keep warm. One should
+wear plenty of thick clothing and especially
+cover the neck and throat. A
+respirator was an excellent thing. He
+even went so far as to recommend earflaps
+to his patients, with beneficial
+results. A night-cap was also a great help.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician,
+protested that colds were for the
+most part negligible. People took them
+much too seriously. The best treatment
+was to be Spartan—wear the
+lightest clothes, abjure mufflers, and,
+whenever you could find a draught,
+sit in it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this
+cold-catching was nonsense. He personally
+had never had a cold in his life.
+And why? Because he lived healthily;
+he wore natural wool, retained his
+beard, ate no meat and drank no
+wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds,
+shaved, devoured their fellow-creatures
+and imbibed poisonous acids were bound
+to catch cold. Resuming his Jaeger
+halo, Mr. SHAW then left.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician,
+stated that in his experience colds
+were necessary evils which often served
+useful ends in clearing the system. For
+that reason he was against any treatment
+that served to stop them. The
+"instantaneous cold cures" which were
+advertised so freely filled him with suspicion.
+Colds should be unfettered.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing
+the Ancient Order of Haberdashers,
+said that he was in entire agreement
+with the last speaker. Colds should be
+allowed to take their course. Nothing
+was so bad as to check them.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician,
+asserted that colds were far more
+serious things than people thought.
+As a matter of fact there was no such
+thing as a cold pure and simple; colds
+were invariably manifestations of other
+and deeper trouble. His own specific
+was a long period of complete rest and
+careful but not meagre dieting, followed
+by change of air, if necessary travel to
+the South of France. (Loud coughs
+and cheers.)</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span>
+Chemists and Druggists' Union, said
+that it was felt very strongly that the
+seriousness of colds should not be
+minimised, but that foreign travel was
+an error. No malady was so much
+helped by the timely and constant employment
+of remedies at home. He
+trusted that the remarks of the last
+speaker would speedily be contradicted
+by a competent authority.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician,
+held that alcohol was the greatest
+provocative of colds; aspirin was their
+greatest enemy.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Tablloyd George, the famous
+physician, observed that a glass of hot
+whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed
+was a sovran remedy. Aspirin was to
+be avoided, but quinine had its uses.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably
+no one knew more about the way
+that other people should behave than
+he did. He had written twelve manuals
+on the subject and intended to
+write twenty-six more, by which time
+he would have covered the whole field
+of human endeavour. Any one who
+had read his book, <i>The Plain Man and
+his Wife and their Plainer Children</i>,
+would remember that one chapter was
+devoted to the cause, evasion and cure
+of colds. He would not at the moment
+say more than that the work was procurable
+at all bookshops. He should
+like to address the meeting at fuller
+length, but as he was suffering from a
+very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he
+always found that the best corrective
+for a cold was to write another novel
+of modern domestic life. He had even
+heard of the perusal of some of his
+novels as a substitute for coal.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was
+no prophylactic against colds so efficacious
+as fresh air and plenty of it.
+Since he had formed the habit of flying
+backwards and forwards from Paris he
+had been free from any trouble of that
+kind. He recommended a seat at the
+Peace Conference and constant aviation
+to all sufferers.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician,
+contended that there was no
+sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms
+should be hermetically sealed.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given
+the matter the closest attention, and
+he had come to the conclusion that
+there was no preventive of a cold in the
+head so complete and drastic as decapitation.</p>
+
+<p>The meeting was considering Mr.
+SMILLIE'S suggestion when our reporter,
+who had contracted a chill
+during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S remarks,
+took his departure.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" src="images/199.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour party)</i>.
+"I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T THEY?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal</i>. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR—NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY USED TO."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Journalistic Enterprise.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE.</p>
+
+<p>"To-day is Pancake Day."—<i>Daily Mail</i>, March 4.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON.</p>
+
+<p>"All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast,
+and prices the maximum when possible."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>To judge by our own fishmonger, they always <i>are</i> possible.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From the report of a prosecution for
+selling eggs above the controlled price:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. ——, for the defence, contended that
+the lay mind could assume that new-laid eggs
+laid by the vendor's fowls were not within the
+scope of the Order."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In a poultry case the opinion of the
+"lay mind" should have been conclusive,
+but the Bench decided otherwise.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When is the State going to help mothers
+with large families? If the cost of living has
+increased 100 per cent., then for eight persons
+the increase is 800 per cent.</p>
+
+<p>"How many mothers with eight in family
+have received an increase of 800 per cent. in
+their income since 1914?—W.W., London."—<i>Daily Sketch</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"W.W., London," should not be
+allowed to squander his gifts on the
+daily Press. We want a statistician
+like this to tot up the German indemnity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<h3>LXXX.</h3>
+
+<p>My Dear Charles,—You are a lawyer
+and you ought to know. Yet to
+myself, when I compare my profits with
+those of the Government in this deal,
+I seem a model of innocence.</p>
+
+<p>Let me refresh your memory of the facts.</p>
+
+<p>In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing
+passports to deserving cases
+in the name of His Majesty's Government.
+In the neutral country where
+I was doing this there was a very wicked
+and a very plausible man, whom we
+will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so
+many surnames at one time and another
+that a new one cannot do him any
+harm). Rate of exchange stood at the
+figure of twenty local francs to the
+pound sterling, and, as you would put
+it, other things were equal.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with
+a desire to see England, entirely for
+its own sake. England, also thinking
+entirely of itself, was obsessed with
+a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams.
+Mr. Abrahams came to my office, said
+nice things about me to my face and
+begged me to let him go. I said nice
+things to him, and told him I would if
+I could, but I couldn't. He took this to
+mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't.
+He offered me cash down; a cheque
+for five pounds sterling, or a note for
+a hundred francs; I could have it which
+way I liked. We should call it for appearance'
+sake a gift to His Majesty's
+Government for the better prosecution
+of the War.</p>
+
+<p>I thanked him cordially on behalf
+of His Majesty's Government, but regretted
+that I was the victim of circumstances
+over which I had no control.
+Refusing to believe there could be any
+circumstances which could stand up
+against an officer of my power, position
+and force, he produced a note for
+a hundred francs and put it on my
+table. He then withdrew, meaning
+(I gathered) to return to the attack as
+soon as the money had sunk in. From
+this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears
+from the story. It is not the first or
+only story, as the police will tell you,
+from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>My report to His Majesty's Government
+did not omit a full mention of the
+matter of the five pounds or hundred
+francs offered. It begged for instructions
+as to the disposal of the booty
+which, it stated, lay in my "Suspense"
+basket. No instructions could be got,
+though frequent messages, saying, "May
+we now have an answer, please?" were
+sent. Weeks passed, and every morning
+I was tempted by the sight of that
+note for a hundred francs lying in the
+basket. My <i>moral</i> gradually declined.
+So did the rate of exchange. So did
+the barometer.</p>
+
+<p>There came a day, the weather being
+such that any man who could sin would
+sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque
+made out for five pounds which I was
+about to cash for lack of ready francs,
+and when the rate of exchange had got
+as low as nineteen francs to the pound,
+which would mean (I rely entirely on
+the evidence of the bank man) ninety-five
+francs for my five pounds. Charles,
+I fell. Explaining to myself that
+Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated
+that his gift to the Government was
+alternatively a cheque for five pounds
+or a note for a hundred francs, I put
+my cheque into the "Suspense" basket
+and pocketed the note, <i>thus making
+five francs profit</i>.</p>
+
+<p>More weeks passed; no instructions
+came, and every day I was tempted by
+the sight of that cheque. One bright
+summer morning, when any man who
+had any goodness in him could not help
+being good, and when the rate of exchange
+had risen to twenty-one, I came
+to my office full of noble intentions
+and hundred franc notes of my own.
+I may mention in passing that it takes
+very little money to fill me up. I had
+just cashed a cheque of my own at the
+rate of a hundred-and-five francs to the
+five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident
+and ready to do it again.
+There, on the top of my "Suspense"
+basket, lay just the very cheque for the
+purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining
+to myself that Mr. Abrahams
+had clearly intimated that his gift to
+the Government was alternatively a
+note for a hundred francs or a cheque
+for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred
+francs into the "Suspense" basket,
+and pocketed the cheque, <i>thus making
+another five francs profit</i>.</p>
+
+<p>That, my Lord, is the case for the
+prosecution; but you may as well have
+the rest of the story. Instructions or
+no instructions, I thought it was now
+time to send the note for a hundred
+francs to the Government. The Government
+said it had no use for francs
+in England, sent back the note to me
+and told me to buy, locally, an English
+cheque, which I was to hold, pending
+further instructions. It took some time
+to arrive at this point, and meanwhile
+rate of exchange had had a serious
+relapse. The hundred franc note bought
+a cheque for five guineas. Not feeling
+strong enough to pend further instructions,
+I at once sent this home. More
+haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse
+it. After another period the cheque
+came back, with a memo. The memo
+said: (1) His Majesty's Government
+had no love or use for unendorsed
+cheques drawn in favour of other people.
+(2) His Majesty's Government
+requested me to endorse the cheque,
+cash it locally and put the proceeds to
+the credit side of my expenses account.
+(3) His Majesty's Government trusted
+that Mr. Abrahams would not cause
+this sort of trouble again.</p>
+
+<p>Whether it was the stimulus given
+by this memo, or whether it was merely
+a case of giving up the drink and becoming
+a reformed character, rate of
+exchange had, I found when I went to
+carry out orders, risen to and stuck at
+the dizzy height of twenty-three francs
+and twenty centimes to the pound.
+His Majesty's Government has drawn
+in the long run (the very long run) the
+sum of one hundred and twenty-one
+francs and eighty centimes, thus making
+more than twice as heavy a profit
+as I had. And yet you have the impudence
+to tell me that I am guilty of
+embezzlement, with corruption.</p>
+
+<p>I can only say I should be ashamed
+to be a lawyer.</p>
+
+<p>I can only add that I should be
+happy to be His Majesty's Government.</p>
+
+<p>With all best wishes and enclosing
+stamps for eighty centimes as representing
+your share of the proceeds
+(including fee for opinion),</p>
+
+<p>I remain,</p>
+
+<p>Yours sincerely, HENRY.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PIVOTS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Bermondsey Bill," who used to be</p>
+<p>The idol of the N.S.C.,</p>
+<p>Began to fight in 17—</p>
+<p>P.T. instructor, very keen,</p>
+<p>Teaching recruits to jab the faces</p>
+<p>Of dummy Germans at the bases.</p>
+<p>But Bill, I see, is booked to box</p>
+<p>Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks,</p>
+<p>And nobody should feel surprised</p>
+<p>That Bill has been demobilised.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Although the War upset, I fear,</p>
+<p>John Jones's pacifist career,</p>
+<p>He did not murmur or repine,</p>
+<p>But hurried to the nearest mine,</p>
+<p>And stuck it till the "refugees"</p>
+<p>Were all transplanted overseas.</p>
+<p>In France he saw some dreadful scenes</p>
+<p>As salesman in E.F. canteens;</p>
+<p>But when the Bosch had been chastised</p>
+<p><i>He</i> was at once demobilised.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A most diverting person, Brown—</p>
+<p>The "star" comedian in Town,</p>
+<p>And, since he donned a posh Sam B.,</p>
+<p>O.C. Amusements, L. of C.</p>
+<p>He steadfastly refused to whine</p>
+<p>Because he never saw the Line,</p>
+<p>But carried on, stout fellow, and</p>
+<p>Is now at home, I understand.</p>
+<p>A pivot so well-paid and prized</p>
+<p>Just <i>had</i> to be demobilised.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%"
+src="images/201.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Officer (on leave)</i>. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?"</p>
+<p><i>Veteran Volunteer Marksman</i>. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. YOU SEE
+THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OCCUPIED OPERA.</h2>
+
+<p>It was a chilly morning early in
+January. The Opera at Cologne had
+just become recognised as the principal
+attraction of the place, and as yet there
+was no suave interpreter in attendance
+to mediate between the queue of representatives
+of Britain's military power
+and the German clerk in the box-office.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose that in some handsome
+suite of apartments in one of the best
+hotels in Cologne an exalted personage
+with red trimmings spends his whole
+time—office hours, of course—in devising
+fresh schemes for the sale and distribution
+of opera tickets to the British
+troops. The demand for them is always
+far in excess of the number reserved
+for the military, and fresh schemes for
+their distribution are inaugurated every week.</p>
+
+<p>We were still in the days when
+officers and men of every rank and
+every branch of the Army of Occupation
+used to wait in a democratic queue
+for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It
+was 9.15 when I took up my position,
+beaten a short neck by a very young
+and haughty officer, a Second-Lieutenant
+of the Blankshires. There is always
+a cold wind round that corner of the
+Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every
+O.R. turned up his coat-collar, stamped
+his feet and determined to stick it.
+After all, from the time when he waits
+his turn to receive his first suit of
+khaki, every soldier is inured to standing
+in queues, and when he has so often
+stood half-an-hour in a queue for the
+chance of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A.
+tea he will think nothing of standing
+for an hour for a seat at the Opera.
+For the officers no doubt the situation
+had the attraction of novelty.</p>
+
+<p>By the time the office opened the
+queue reached from the Opera House
+steps nearly to the tramway <i>Haltestelle</i>,
+and much speculation was going on as
+to how many would be sent empty
+away. Inch by inch we moved forward,
+mounted the steps one by one, and came
+within the relative warmth of the vestibule.
+At last the weary waiting-time
+was over; the young subaltern stepped
+before the <i>guichet</i> and, pointing to a
+handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified
+voice a ticket for next Monday's performance
+of "<i>KEINE VORSTELLUNG</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>How shall I describe the painful
+scene that followed—a scene in which,
+as a mere Tommy, I had too much
+discipline to intervene? In vain the
+obsequious purveyor of tickets offered
+a selection of the world's most popular
+and celebrated operas for any other day
+but Monday. Nothing would do for my
+officer but <i>Keine Vorstellung</i>. Indeed,
+as he explained in his best and loudest
+English, Monday was his only free
+evening. <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he wanted
+and <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he must have.
+Followed reiteration, expostulation, vituperation
+in yet louder English than
+before, and when at last he turned away
+without his ticket he was still convinced
+that the authority of the <i>Britische
+Besatzung</i> had been outraged and defied
+by the man behind the window.</p>
+
+<p>I often wonder what he said when
+the precise meaning of those two mystic
+words was revealed, to him. I like to
+think that it may have happened at the
+Requisition Office, whither he had gone
+to procure an order to compel that recalcitrant
+square-head to supply him
+with the ticket so unwarrantably withheld.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept;
+small fairy."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" src="images/202.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception).</i>
+"YOU DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bride.</i> "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING
+AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PTERO-DACTYLS.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Of the Pioneers of the Air.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Dædalus, once in the island of Crete,</p>
+<p class="i2">Finding his host tried to limit his scenery,</p>
+<p>Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet,</p>
+<p class="i2">Went and invented some flying machinery;</p>
+<p>Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks</p>
+<p class="i2">Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any,</p>
+<p>Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fitting another pair on to his progeny;</p>
+<p>So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us,</p>
+<p>First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail</p>
+<p class="i2">(Science of old wasn't hard on her votary,</p>
+<p>So little mention you find in the tale</p>
+<p class="i2">Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary);</p>
+<p>Silently skimming along in the air</p>
+<p class="i2">Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer,</p>
+<p>"Mind that your altitude's low, and beware</p>
+<p class="i2">Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!"</p>
+<p>Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it,</p>
+<p>Flew in the face of his father and scouted it.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun,</p>
+<p class="i2">Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor;</p>
+<p>Higher and higher he banked and he spun,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore.</p>
+<p>"Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts?</p>
+<p class="i2">Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty;</p>
+<p>I'll find a method of stopping your stunts;</p>
+<p class="i2">Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity."</p>
+<p>Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em,</p>
+<p>Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em).</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Down to the depths of the bottomless sea</p>
+<p class="i2">Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity,</p>
+<p>Leaving a name for the ages to be.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity."</p>
+<p>See from the sequel the fitness of things:</p>
+<p class="i2">Nearly forgotten this early adventure is;</p>
+<p>Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings</p>
+<p class="i2">Still its revenge in the course of the centuries.</p>
+<p>Over the sky, from the east to the west of it,</p>
+<p>Man has decidedly now got the best of it.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>R.A.F.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>To Psychical Mediums.</h3>
+
+<p>Extract from a tradesman's circular:—</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. ——, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite
+shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your Spring
+term requirements."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough
+Council was so long that it was not read at all."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our bureaucrats.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" src="images/203.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>THE FOCH-TERRIER.</h3> "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday, March 3rd</i>.—The terrors of
+the Statute of Anne having been temporarily
+removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN
+headed a little <i>queue</i> of Ministers
+coming up to take the Oath. How the
+already crowded Treasury Bench is to
+accommodate the new-comers it is
+difficult to see, but presumably a system
+of reliefs will be arranged.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-1.png" alt="" /></a> <h4>MR. McCALLUM SCOTT.</h4>"SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A DEMOBILISATION ON?"</div>
+
+<p>The present epidemic was discussed
+by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN REES
+who were not agreed as to whether
+port is a "preventative" or a "preventive"
+of influenza, but were unanimous
+in thinking that far too little of
+it was available.</p>
+
+<p>On bearing that the liability of agricultural
+shows to the Entertainment
+Tax depended on whether instruction
+was combined with amusement, Colonel
+WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to
+decide where amusement ends and education
+begins. Talking of education,
+I shall in future, following Mr. H.A.L.
+FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan
+with a long "e," but, I hesitate, even
+on the authority of the MINISTER OF
+EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary."</p>
+
+<p>Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War
+Minister he has developed a remarkable
+likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily
+the resemblance extends only to the
+<i>rondeurs</i>, and not to the occasional
+<i>longueurs</i>, of his predecessor. How
+long his Lordship would have taken
+to elucidate the present position and
+future composition of the British
+Army I cannot estimate, but it
+would have been several hours.
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the
+World, from Siberia to the Rhine,
+occupied a brief sixty minutes and
+included some attractive speculations
+on the kind of Army we
+should need in the future. He
+hopes, among other things, for
+an improved General Staff, composed
+of officers acquainted with
+war in all its phases—land, sea
+and air—who could give the
+Cabinet expert advice on war as a
+whole, and save it (we inferred)
+from such hesitations as led to
+the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought we had given up
+war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and
+other Members twitted the Minister
+with having left out of his
+account the League of Nations.
+But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply,
+while expressing the utmost respect
+for the League, pointed out
+that it was not yet in being,
+and that meanwhile Britain must
+continue to be a strong armed Power.</p>
+
+<p>A number of maiden speeches
+were delivered during the evening. The
+SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I
+hope he was somewhere in the precincts
+to hear the cheers which greeted
+the initial effort—commendably brief
+and to the point—of his son, Major
+LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 4th</i>.—Lord SINHA
+OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden speech
+in a style which promises well for his
+Parliamentary career. Accepting the
+<i>dictum</i> of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness
+is essential in Indian affairs, he
+proceeded to act upon it by administering
+a dignified rebuke to his lordship
+for having suggested that one of the
+periodical affrays between Mahomedans
+and Hindoos was occasioned by the
+MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS.</h4> THE DE VALERA GIRL.</div>
+
+<p>No fewer than forty-six questions
+were addressed to the War Office.
+But obviously this sort of thing cannot
+go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE
+cannot devote so much of his valuable
+time to satisfying Parliamentary curiosity.
+Accordingly he has appointed a
+"Members' friend" to hear complaints
+and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM
+SCOTT has been rewarded for his consistent
+admiration—did he not publish
+a eulogy of "Winston Churchill in
+Peace and War" when his hero's
+fortunes were temporarily clouded?—and
+on two days a week will have the
+privilege of acting as lightning-conductor.</p>
+
+<p>The most intriguing detail in the
+story of DE VALERA'S escape from
+Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of
+the guards by two sweet girl-graduates
+from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr.
+SHORTT curtly stated—with a twinkle
+in his eye—that the sentries disclaimed
+all knowledge of the ladies. Still, is
+this conclusive?</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 5th</i>.—The friends
+of the new LORD CHANCELLOR were becoming
+anxious lest his natural gaiety
+should be permanently suppressed
+by the necessity of keeping up
+the dignity of the Woolsack.
+They need be under no further
+apprehensions. A motion in
+favour of Home Rule All Round,
+introduced by Lord BRASSEY and
+supported by Lord SELBORNE,
+furnished him with his chance.
+Metaphorically flinging his full-bottomed
+wig on to the floor he
+skipped into the arena, executed
+a war-dance around his amazed
+victims, and, before they knew
+where they were, got their heads
+into Chancery and knocked them
+together until they were compelled
+to give in. Talk of the
+congestion of Parliament! Why,
+now that party spirit was in abeyance,
+Bills went through with
+incredible rapidity. As for the
+supposed ambitions of the "little
+nations," what, he asked, did
+Scotsmen and Welshmen care
+about subordinate Parliaments
+when they were governing the
+whole Empire? If the advocates
+of the proposal really believed
+in it let them go out as missionaries
+into the wilderness, and,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span>
+if they escaped the proverbial fate of missionaries,
+convert the heathen voters to
+their creed. Thereupon Lord BRASSEY,
+his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated
+that "a time would come," and
+meanwhile withdrew his motion.</p>
+
+<p>At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly
+denied a newspaper rumour
+from Paris that the British delegates
+had decided not to demand any money-indemnity
+from Germany, but took
+occasion later on to discount somewhat
+freely the election-promises made on
+this subject by himself and other Ministers.
+It would be better, he implied,
+to accept a composition than to put
+the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court.
+This is common sense, no doubt, always
+provided that the Hun does not misinterpret
+his reprieve, and, instead of
+laying golden eggs for our benefit, resume
+the practice of the goose-step.</p>
+
+<p>On the Civil Service Estimates,
+swollen to five times their pre-war
+magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an
+earnest appeal for economy. If every
+man would ask himself, "What can I
+do for the State?" instead of "What
+can I get out of it?" we might yet
+emerge safely from our financial straits.
+The House, as usual, cheered this fine
+sentiment to the echo, and, to show
+how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr.
+ADAMSON, the Labour leader, immediately
+pressed for an increase in the
+salaries of Members of Parliament.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, March 6th</i>.—The CHIEF
+SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that
+the Government had decided to release
+such of the Sinn Fein prisoners as had
+not already saved them the trouble.</p>
+
+<p>History does not always repeat itself.
+The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD enhanced
+his fame by a faithful reproduction of
+the Portland Vase. JOSIAH the Second,
+essaying a fancy portrait of the present
+Duke of PORTLAND (in his capacity of
+a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the
+likeness, and this afternoon handsomely
+withdrew it from circulation.</p>
+
+<p>The Second Reading of the new Military
+Service Bill brought a storm of
+accusations against the Government
+for having broken its election-pledges.
+Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his
+colleagues gone to the country on a cry
+of "No Conscription"? The Member
+for Derby was particularly emphatic in
+his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL
+effectively countered him by quoting
+Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of the
+pledges in question as meaning "Militarism
+and Conscription."</p>
+
+<p>A little rift within the Coalition lute
+was revealed when Mr. SHAW remarked
+that some people seemed to want "to
+make this country a fit place for casuists
+to live in;" but the House as a whole
+took the view that without an assured
+peace it would be no place for any one,
+and passed the Second Reading by an
+overwhelming majority.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" src="images/206.png" alt="" /></a> <i>Conductor</i>. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SENTINELS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p>
+<p class="i2">All through the night</p>
+<p>There are Fairy Sentinels</p>
+<p class="i2">Watching till it's light;</p>
+<p>If they ever went to sleep</p>
+<p class="i2">The Big Clock would tell;</p>
+<p>But, Left-Right! Left-Right!</p>
+<p class="i2">They know their duty well;</p>
+<p>I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear,</p>
+<p>The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair!</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p>
+<p class="i2">All through the day</p>
+<p>There the Fairy Sentinels</p>
+<p class="i2">Sleep the time away;</p>
+<p>If you were to wake them up,</p>
+<p class="i2">Think how tired they'd be,</p>
+<p>So Tip-toe! Tip-toe!</p>
+<p class="i2">Go upstairs quietly.</p>
+<p>Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair—</p>
+<p>The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" src="images/207.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>She</i>. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP."</p>
+
+<p><i>He</i>. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SPACE PROBLEM.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The sad queues shiver in the drains</p>
+<p class="i2">And do not get upon the bus;</p>
+<p>Men battle round successive trains,</p>
+<p class="i2">And each is yet more populous;</p>
+<p>Twelve times a week I pay the fare,</p>
+<p class="i2">But know not when I last sat down;</p>
+<p>It almost looks as if there were</p>
+<p class="i2">Too many people in the town.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I know not where they all may dwell;</p>
+<p class="i2">I know my lease is up in May;</p>
+<p>I know I said, "Oh, very well,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'll take a house down Dorking way;"</p>
+<p>I scoured the spacious countryside,</p>
+<p class="i2">I found no residence to spare,</p>
+<p>And it is not to be denied</p>
+<p class="i2">There are too many people there.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They say the birth-rate's sadly low;</p>
+<p class="i2">They say the death-rate tends to soar;</p>
+<p>So how we manage I don't know</p>
+<p class="i2">To go on growing more and more;</p>
+<p>Let statistology prefer</p>
+<p class="i2">To think the race is nice and small,</p>
+<p>But how do all these crowds occur,</p>
+<p class="i2">And who the dickens are they all?</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Where do they come from? Where on earth</p>
+<p class="i2">In olden days did they reside,</p>
+<p>When there was really lots of birth</p>
+<p class="i2">And hardly anybody died?</p>
+<p>Where had this multitude its lair?</p>
+<p class="i2">Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt;</p>
+<p>I only wish they'd go back there</p>
+<p class="i2">And leave me room to move about;</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And leave some little house for me</p>
+<p class="i2">In any shire, in any town,</p>
+<p>Or, otherwise, myself must flee</p>
+<p class="i2">And build a dug-out in a down;</p>
+<p>If none may settle on the land,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet might one settle underground</p>
+<p>(Provided people understand</p>
+<p class="i2">They must not come and dig all round).</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>There will I dwell (alone) till death</p>
+<p class="i2">And soothe my crowd-corroded soul;</p>
+<p>And, when I breathe my latest breath,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let no man move me from my hole;</p>
+<p>Let but a little earth be cast,</p>
+<p class="i2">And someone write above the tomb:</p>
+<p>"<i>Here had the poet peace at last;</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Here only had he elbow-room."</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A.P.H.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SWEET-SHOP.</h2>
+
+<p>It was a mean street somewhere in
+the wilderness of Fulham. How I got
+there I don't exactly know; all that I
+am clear about is that I was trying, on
+insufficient data, to make a short cut.
+Twilight was falling, there was a slight
+drizzle of rain and I told myself that I
+had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London.</p>
+
+<p>Here and there, breaking the monotony
+of dark house-fronts, were little
+isolated shops, which gave a touch of
+colour to the drabness. I paused before
+one of them, through whose small and
+dim window a light shed a melancholy
+beam upon the pavement. Nothing
+seemed to be sold there, for the window
+was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing
+such labels as "peppermint rock,"
+"pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." Apparently
+the shop had sold out.</p>
+
+<p>I was on the point of turning away
+when I noticed that someone was
+moving about inside, and presently an
+ancient dame began to take certain jars
+from the window and fill them with
+sweets from boxes on the counter. Evidently
+a new stock had just arrived.
+Then I remembered that sweets had
+been "freed."</p>
+
+<p>A little girl stopped beside me, stared
+through the window and then ran off at
+top speed. Within a couple of minutes
+half-a-dozen youngsters were peering
+into the shop, and a pair of them
+marched in, consulting earnestly as
+they went. The news spread; more
+children arrived. I distributed a largesse
+of pennies which gave me a popularity
+I have never achieved before.
+The street seemed to take on a different
+aspect. I almost liked it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span>
+
+<h2>AN OLD DOG.</h2>
+
+<p>There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti
+getting to be an old dog, but he has already got there. He
+<i>is</i> an old dog. Yet the change in the case of this beloved
+little Pekinese has been so gradual that until it was accomplished
+few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as it seemed,
+Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for
+frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the
+crown of the road and refused to stir from it though all the
+hooters of Europe endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day
+he is still a challenger of motor-cars; but he hurls his
+defiance with less assurance and has been seen to retire
+before the advance of a motor-bicycle.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls,
+let us hope with accuracy, a <i>cruda viridisque senectus</i>.
+Quite a short time ago his muzzle, like the rest of him,
+was as black as ebony. Now he wears a pair of thick
+white moustachios, which are comparable only with those
+worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE.</p>
+
+<p>In another way too our little dog gives proof that his
+years are advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the
+moment of the <i>promenade</i>; not that he intended thus to
+show any deference to the humans who were inviting him
+to take a walk, but that he thought it was a fine manly
+thing to do, and one that might bring about that fight of
+his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to
+which he looked forward as to one of his unachieved
+pleasures. He therefore fell not more than one hundred
+yards behind his accompanists, and when this was pointed
+out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up and
+rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he
+still barks a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at
+once to lag, and is found in an armchair when the party
+returns. It is vain to remind him that in the old days he
+was called the little black feather for the lightness of his
+gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce nor'-easter.
+Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were
+lavished upon him by his young mistress:—</p>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Attend to your duty,</p>
+<p class="i2">My brave little Soo-ti,</p>
+<p>There isn't much sun in the sky:</p>
+<p class="i2">But we've sported together</p>
+<p class="i2">In all kinds of weather,</p>
+<p>My little black feather and I."</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<p>It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and
+plain prose is equally ineffective when once he has made
+up his mind that he doesn't mean to move.</p>
+
+<p>One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly
+describe. He is always much agitated when his mistress
+packs her boxes to depart to an institution for higher education
+of which she is a member. While this is going forward,
+Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to couch in
+the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her
+room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments,
+to leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times,
+and to sink down with a sigh of satisfaction on what was
+once a very artistic bit of packing. I do not say that this
+trick is entirely due to old age. Nearly all dogs do it.
+Only there was on the last occasion a special anxiety, and
+a more than usual persistence and querulousness which
+seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back
+soon, so that we may meet again before my eyes grow dim
+and my ears lose their keenness."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In future all unmarried men and women having an income of
+$1,000 will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed
+unless their income is over $1,500,000."—<i>Canadian Gazette</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The poor fellows must have some compensation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["C.K.S.," in <i>The Sphere</i>, describing his numerous visits to GEORGE
+MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can he claim to
+have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I always make
+the test of intimate friendship when people call one another by their
+Christian names."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S."</p>
+<p class="i2">Is intimacy's truest test; but "George,"</p>
+<p>When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess)</p>
+<p class="i2">Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge;</p>
+<p>And to the end he never got beyond</p>
+<p>The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How sad to think this barrier was never</p>
+<p class="i2">Demolished, broken down and swept away,</p>
+<p>But still remained to sunder and to sever</p>
+<p class="i2">Two of the choicest spirits of our day!</p>
+<p>For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind,</p>
+<p>On this one point showed an inclement mind.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The case was simplified in days of eld;</p>
+<p class="i2">HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name,</p>
+<p>And an Athenian bookman, if impelled</p>
+<p class="i2">To visit him at Chios, when he came</p>
+<p>Across the blind old poet and beach-comber,</p>
+<p>Addressed him probably <i>tout court</i> as HOMER.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim—</p>
+<p class="i2">Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic;</p>
+<p>And SHORTER could not have accosted him</p>
+<p class="i2">By <i>sobriquets</i> endearing or ecstatic;</p>
+<p>It would have certainly provoked a scene,</p>
+<p>For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean."</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited</p>
+<p class="i2">As an illustrious brother of the quill,</p>
+<p>Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted</p>
+<p class="i2">To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill,"</p>
+<p>And in the small uproarious hours A.M.</p>
+<p>Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"?</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed;</p>
+<p class="i2">Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain;</p>
+<p>What might have been can never be revealed,</p>
+<p class="i2">But one momentous fact at least is plain:</p>
+<p>We know from an authoritative quarter</p>
+<p>That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER.</p>
+ </div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Twopenny Egg.</h3>
+
+<p>The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the
+twopenny egg." On making inquiries we learn that this
+phenomenon will be invisible at Greenwich, but may be
+viewed from the North of Scotland, a region happily less
+inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions have
+in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions
+differ as to the best point for observation, but it is probable
+that the island of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all know
+that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all icy suspicion."—<i>Mr.
+JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star".</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he
+met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged
+to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot
+belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp
+instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet completely
+healed."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great Bear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/209.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE DOPED LION.</h3>A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span>
+
+<h2>THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE.</h2>
+
+<p>True sportsmen will regret Mr.
+ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently
+in the House, when he said,
+"I have every expectation that the
+[telephone] service will improve."</p>
+
+<p>By "improve" he no doubt meant
+that when we ring up a number in
+future we shall simply get it; that
+people who want us will be able to get
+us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect.</p>
+
+<p>I only hope the improvement
+will be delayed until I
+get my own back. I have
+been playing rather a bad
+line lately, and only this
+morning lost a set by one game to two.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The operator won the first
+game before I could get into
+my stride. She rang me up
+three times in five minutes,
+and each time put me on to
+nobody. This was a very
+bad start, and I determined
+that I must at least give
+her a game. So the third
+time I held on, mechanically
+knocking the semi-circular
+ring arrangement up and
+down. There is always a
+chance that your signal may
+be working, and it annoys
+the operator. But she beat
+me by a swift stroke.</p>
+
+<p>"What number do you
+want?" she asked cynically.
+I said, "Well played, Sir—Madam!"
+Then she rubbed
+it in with a parting shot:
+"Sorry you have been
+terroubled," she said, and
+cut me off. Love—one.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Hullo!" I said, when
+my bell rang the next time.</p>
+
+<p>"Put me through to Extension
+8, please."</p>
+
+<p>The only thing to do with
+this sort of shot is to return
+it safely.</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one."</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't <i>what</i>?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Got one."</p>
+
+<p>"One what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Extension."</p>
+
+<p>Then he became annoyed and shouted,
+"Aren't you the War Office?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered, "I am not the
+War Office."</p>
+
+<p>"Aren't you the War Off—"</p>
+
+<p>But I clapped on my receiver. In
+fact I clapped it on so violently that I
+thought I had silenced the thing for
+good and all.</p>
+
+<p>A series of tugging ineffective clicks
+on the part of my bell decided me to
+investigate. This move on my part
+was to win me the game.</p>
+
+<p>I took off my receiver and listened.
+No answer. I banged the rigging. No
+answer. I banged and thumped.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly,
+"I am attending to you as quickly as I
+can. What number do you want?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I explained, "as a matter of
+fact I don't want a number. I only
+wondered if my line was all right.
+Sorry you have been terroubled," and I
+cut her off. One—all.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The third and last game started
+briskly. In the course of the first ten
+minutes I was rung up and asked if I was—</p>
+
+<p>1. The Timber Control.</p>
+
+<p>2. Mr. Awl or All.</p>
+
+<p>3. The Timber Control (again).</p>
+
+<p>4. The London Diocesan Church
+Schools. (At this point I rather lost
+my head and answered, "D—— the
+London Diocesan Church Schools.")</p>
+
+<p>My impiety offended the Bishop (I
+assume it was a Bishop), and he, rather
+unfairly, must have incited the gods to
+take sides against me. In a lucid interval,
+while I was doing a call of my own,
+the operator, without giving me any
+warning, switched me on to the supervisor.
+This must have been an inspiration
+from Olympus. However I was
+equal to the emergency; nay, took advantage
+of it. Experience has taught
+me that it is always best to talk to the
+person you get, whether you want that
+person or not. So I explained to the
+supervisor that I was a busy man,
+although the rumour which
+ascribed to my shoulders
+the War Office, the Timber
+Control and the L.D.C.S.
+was, at the moment, unfounded.</p>
+
+<p>She played up magnificently;
+took my number,
+my name, my address, the
+date, the time of the day,
+how many times I had been
+rung up, whom by and
+when, and was going to ask
+me the date of my birth and
+whether I was married or
+single, when I protested.
+Then she calmed down and
+said she would have my
+line seen to.</p>
+
+<p>The game seemed to be
+going well; but again I was
+beaten by a swift stroke.
+My bell rang.</p>
+
+<p>"Telephone Engineering
+Department speaking," it
+said. "We have received a
+report that your line is out
+of order. We are sending
+a man and hope he will
+finish the job before luncheon."</p>
+
+<p>This was the end, as anyone
+knows who has ever
+got into the clutches: of
+the Telephone Engineering
+Department.</p>
+
+<p>"Please," I said (my
+spirit was quite broken)—"please,
+for God's sake,
+don't send a man. Not this
+morning at any rate. Put it off, there's
+a good fellow."</p>
+
+<p>"But I thought there was something wrong—"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous
+mistake. My line never behaved better
+in its life. It's a positive joy to me."</p>
+
+<p>I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority
+that all truth cannot be told at all
+times. But I had lost the set.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" src="images/210.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mother</i>. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daughter</i>. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf
+'is slate."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ——, on
+the instructions of the executors of the late
+Mr. ——, are selling by auction in pneumonia
+and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages
+situate in Chapel Street."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Personally we were not bidding.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" src="images/211.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace).</i> "HERE, CABBY—LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK."</p>
+
+<p><i>Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case).</i> "IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL."</p>
+
+<p><i>S.O.</i> "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM BEHIND."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>When a story bears the attractive title of <i>The House of
+Courage</i> (DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of
+1914 with a number of pleasantly prosperous people whose
+faith in the continuance of this prosperity is frequently
+emphasised ("as if they had a contract with God Almighty"
+is how an observant character phrases it); and when, in the
+first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans
+in a Soho restaurant—well, it requires no great guessing to
+tell what will happen before we are through with it. And,
+in fact, Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story;
+though with this novelty, that the hero's experiences
+of service are almost entirely gained in a German prison-camp.
+As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the
+tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault
+that the earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting
+society in County Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than
+the scenes of boredom and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed
+as these are and almost over-realistic and convincing.
+Inevitably too the scheme is one of incident rather than
+character. One has never any very serious doubt that in
+the long run the hero, <i>Kennedy</i>, will marry the girl of his
+choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly
+unworthy <i>Harrington</i>. But as part of the long run was
+from Crefeld to the Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that
+you can imagine (and a few more, including an admirable
+thrill almost on the post), one is left with the comfortable
+feeling that the prize was well earned. You will rightly
+judge that most of <i>The House of Courage</i> is rather more
+frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work;
+but it remains an excellent yarn.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When <i>Esmé Hillier</i>, possessed by <i>The Imp</i> (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed
+the hero (to whom she had had no previous introduction)
+into the sea. I have some sympathy with her energetic
+protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the age of sixteen
+should know better than to row about in an open boat
+kissing a young lady. <i>Esmé</i>, a pained spectator, showed
+her public spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act
+she sealed her own fate, for after this it was inevitable that
+they should ultimately marry each other, the girl of the
+kissing episode notwithstanding. The immediate incentive
+to their union, which was by the Scotch method, was that
+<i>Esmé</i> had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's
+person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and <i>Tourntourq</i>,
+the Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame.
+Though married in haste they did not wait for leisure
+before they repented, but commenced quarrelling at once,
+until <i>Esmé</i>, in order to test his love and that of an admirer
+who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" her hair
+and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this
+they separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer,
+who was really quite a nice person, was killed, and <i>Tourntourq</i>,
+who was apparently a lunatic, though that is not
+stated in so many words, was blinded. It seems quite
+superfluous to add that <i>Tourntourq</i> wins the V.C. and recovers
+both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there
+are such good patches in the book that I cannot help
+hoping that some day WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span>
+(I feel it is <i>her</i> hand) at another, which I shall really
+believe in all through.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely
+unprolific. So I was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE
+WILSON FOX bravely keeping the old flag flying with a story
+bearing the gallant title, <i>Too Near the Throne</i> (S.P.C.K.).
+I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly shrewd
+guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid,
+reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as
+pretext for an abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You
+can see that in practised hands (as here) and decorated
+with a pretty trimming of sentiment, abductions, witch-finding
+and other appropriate accessories, this furnishes
+a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought disappointed
+that more was not made of the actual conspiracy,
+and that, having started "too near the throne," the tale
+subsequently gave it so wide a berth. But this is no great
+fault. I can witness that Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one
+essential quality of
+the historical novelist
+in her appreciation
+of picturesque
+raiment. Almost indeed
+she emulates
+those jewelled paragraphs
+in which the
+creator of <i>Windsor
+Castle</i> would fill half
+a chapter with a riot
+of sartorial coruscations.
+As a birthday
+present, say for an
+appreciative niece, I
+can think of few
+volumes whose welcome
+would be better
+assured.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in <i>St. George
+and the Dragon</i>
+(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last
+St. George's Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future
+which he delivered up and down America from January to
+August of last year. Since then many things have happened.
+But nothing has happened that can make Mr. MASEFIELD
+other than proud of the part he has played in explaining
+and glorifying his country's cause and commending it to
+the hearts and minds of all good Americans. I confess that
+when I took up the book and read the first few lines I was
+afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had yielded to the temptation
+of delivering his speech in poetical prose of a faintly Biblical
+character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time I did not
+know what to say to you in this my second speaking here.
+I could fill a speech with thanks and praise—thanks for the
+kindness and welcome which have met me up and down this
+land wherever I have gone, and praise for the great national
+effort which I have seen in so many places and felt everywhere."
+Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned this
+manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid
+pedestrian style. But he did not disdain to go so far in
+flattery of the Americans, his audience, as to use the word
+"gotten" for the past tense of the verb "to get."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There can be few Irishmen who look at their England
+with such affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. <i>Tales of
+War</i> (FISHER UNWIN) is full of this sweet theme. The first
+of the tales is a fine story of the Daleswood men who, cut
+off from their supports and worried because there would
+be none left in their native village to carry on the Daleswood
+breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to
+surrender. But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood
+form, they (for their last hours, as they thought) fell to
+recalling the familiar beauties of their old home and to
+cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of their names for
+remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of the
+home memories, when, in another marooned party, the
+Sargeant that was keeper begins with a vision of sausages
+and mashed and goes on to the birds and beasts and flowers
+and soft noises of English woods at night. And in a half-dozen
+other sketches. And it is good to find an Irishman
+and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed
+tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing
+a great deal into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched
+in with a conscious art, should find a place on our shelves
+among the war records which our children are to read.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/212.png"><img width="100%" src="images/212.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</h3><i>War Profiteer</i>. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did <i>I</i> know yer wanted a toy?"</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"When the wife of President Wilson was
+in London she spent hours shopping in Regent
+Street and other quaint sections of London."—<i>Daily Gleaner</i>.
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Regent Street <i>will</i> be pleased.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote>
+"Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving
+a loving cut from Halifax citizens, described
+how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a
+few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing
+a single revolution of the propellers."—<i>Australian Paper</i>.
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>One good cut deserves another.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>THE INFLUENZA-MASK.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle</p>
+<p class="i2">And caused the <i>Wacht an Rhein</i> to lose its job,</p>
+<p>Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle</p>
+<p class="i2">And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob—</p>
+<p>Shall I allow each little grinning urchin</p>
+<p class="i2">To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink</p>
+<p>For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin?</p>
+<p class="i4">No, no! I do <i>not</i> think.</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting</p>
+<p class="i2">And lay me under Balham's local curse;</p>
+<p>There be—I know it—those in Upper Tooting</p>
+<p class="i2">Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse;</p>
+<p>But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket</p>
+<p class="i2">Millions will bless me!—more I cannot ask;</p>
+<p>So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it!</p>
+<p class="i4">And, Jane, bring forth the mask!"</p>
+ </div> </div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, MARCH 12, 1919
***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 11094-h.txt or 11094-h.zip *******</p>
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diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/193.png b/old/11094-h/images/193.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..53cdca2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/193.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/195.png b/old/11094-h/images/195.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec5da56 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/195.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/196.png b/old/11094-h/images/196.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f06ebf6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/196.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/197.png b/old/11094-h/images/197.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebde95a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/197.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/198.png b/old/11094-h/images/198.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45bb3ce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/198.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/199.png b/old/11094-h/images/199.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a8a26dd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/199.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/201.png b/old/11094-h/images/201.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9cd1c09 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/201.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/202.png b/old/11094-h/images/202.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48c4e0f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/202.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/203.png b/old/11094-h/images/203.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a79fb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/203.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/205-1.png b/old/11094-h/images/205-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4545b62 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/205-1.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/205-2.png b/old/11094-h/images/205-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc8e554 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/205-2.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/206.png b/old/11094-h/images/206.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b02c86 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/206.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/207.png b/old/11094-h/images/207.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3e7686 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/207.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/209.png b/old/11094-h/images/209.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..000212f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/209.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/210.png b/old/11094-h/images/210.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..244d66c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/210.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/211.png b/old/11094-h/images/211.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d44d77 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/211.png diff --git a/old/11094-h/images/212.png b/old/11094-h/images/212.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e5fb1f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094-h/images/212.png diff --git a/old/11094.txt b/old/11094.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b9409c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11094.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2194 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +March 12, 1919
, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
+ +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 15, 2004 [eBook #11094] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, MARCH 12, 1919
*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11094-h.htm or 11094-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h/11094-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +MARCH 12, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The spread of influenza is said to be greatly assisted by +"germ-carriers." We can't think why germs should be carried. Let +'em walk. + + *** + +According to _The Sunday Express_ a young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was also a murder confession in the +Press last week. + + *** + +"Whitehall," says a Society organ, "has succumbed to the Jazz, the +Fox-trot and the Bunny-hug." It still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling. + + *** + +A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he was suffering +from an attack of influenza and had taken some whisky. Yes, but where +from? + + *** + +We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," which appeared +in a daily paper the other day, misled a great number of sufferers, +who at once wrote to say that they were prepared to make the exchange. + + *** + +It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car has been +produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced by pedestrians +when being run over by a car is said to have been eliminated. + + *** + +Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the pancake thrown to +the boys at Westminster School in the presence of the KING and QUEEN +appeared to fall flat. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the little Kensington boy who was tossed by +a huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is stated to be going on nicely. + + *** + +Five hundred and twenty-seven pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone magistrate. Why this +invidious distinction? + + *** + +"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in +his own home against everyone but his wife." It is surmised that his +Honour never kept a cook. + + *** + +We are informed that the dispute between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has been settled by the latter name +being changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union." + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour the creation of a new Order for +deserving Welshmen. The revival of the Order of the Golden Fleece +is suggested. + + *** + +A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of +"satin-walnut hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had +had its day. + + *** + +Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier stated that he remembered +nothing about his second marriage and pleaded that he was +absent-minded. A very good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married. + + *** + +A sorry blow has been dealt at those who maintain we are not a +commercial race. "You gave me prussic acid in mistake for quinine this +morning," a man told a chemist the other day. "Is that so?" said the +chemist; "then you owe me another twopence." + + *** + +For the benefit of those about to emigrate we have pleasure in +furnishing the exclusive information that very shortly there will +be big openings in America for corkscrew-straighteners. + + *** + +We are now able to state that the wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without a hymeneal ode from the POET +LAUREATE. + + *** + +We understand that a lady operator who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other day would have been severely +reprimanded but for her plea that she mistook him for a subscriber. + + *** + +It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In +these days of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot. + + *** + +We hear privately that one of our leading dailies has fixed April 14th +as the date on which its office "correspondent" will first hear the +note of the cuckoo in Epping Forest. + + *** + +Several suspicious cases of sickness are reported among the aborigines +of New South Wales. It is not yet known whether they are due to +influenza or to the native custom of partaking heavily of snakepie on +the eve of Lent. + + *** + +Nottingham will hold its six hundred and fifty-eighth annual Goose +Fair this year, and a local paper has made a distinct hit by stating +that it is "the oldest gathering of its kind except the House of +Commons." + + *** + +President EBERT, according to the _Frankfort Gazette_, is to have a +Chief Master of Ceremonies. One of his first duties, in which he will +have the advice of prominent musicians, will be to fix an authorised +style of eating _Sauerkraut_ which shall be impressive yet devoid of +ostentation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a +certain London restaurant at night have supper given to them by the +management.] + +_First Taxi_. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?" + +_Second ditto_. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD +BEAN."] + + * * * * * + + "A woman's sphere was her own home, that she should earn her own + living was inimical to domestic happiness; it was almost contra + bonus morus, which is a very serious thing indeed."--_Scots + Paper_. + +It certainly would be for Smith mi. if he said it in class. + + * * * * * + + "The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles ----, a full-blooded + Sioux Indian, and the only full-blooded literary man among the + North American Indians."--_American Paper_. + +We could spare some of our full-blooded, literary men if there is a +shortage in America. + + * * * * * + +MONUMENTS OF THE WAR. + + Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay + Our triumphs gathered all across the map; + Lest other topics--like the weather, say, + Or jazzing--should supplant the recent scrap; + Or lest a future race whose careless lot + Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid + Millennial balm, be unaware of what + (Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;-- + + Let such invite our architects to plan + Great monumental works in steel and stone, + Certain to catch the eye of any man + And make our victories generally known; + Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built, + In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set, + And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:-- + "IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET." + + Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored, + Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest, + Baring her ravaged beauty to record + The Culture of the Bosch when at his best; + At Albert, even where it bit the ground, + Low let the Image lie and tell its fate, + Poignant memento, like our own renowned + ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate). + + For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween, + Sufficiently recall these fateful years; + I need no monument for keeping green + All that I suffered in the Volunteers; + Therefore I urge the Army Council, at + Its earliest leisure, please--next week would do-- + To raze the hutments opposite my flat, + That still impinge on my riparian view. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES. + +It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be demobilised, that I +decided to buy a pair of warm gloves from Ordnance. + +After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. Depot, the +Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., I found myself, at the end +of a morning's strenuous walking, confronted by notices on a closed +door stating that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment Issue +Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would re-open at 14.00. + +I went away to lunch. + +At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and entered. From +14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the R.A.F. smoking cigarettes +and choosing a pair of socks, and studied notices to the effect that +this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that only Officers +were permitted to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office would close at +16.00. + +At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, he had an +appointment at three, and would return, old bean--er, Corporal--in +the morning to see about those dashed socks. The Corporal behind +the counter blew away a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me +distrustfully. + +"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, woollen, +knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence." + +"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. I'll take them +now." + +But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, watching +another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate for gloves, +woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, pairs one. At 15.05 I was +in another building, getting the indent stamped and countersigned. +At 15.12 I was in another building, exchanging it for a buff form in +duplicate. At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went through +the motions of taking up the gloves. + +"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding them away; "you +must first produce your Field Advance Book as a proof of identity." + +"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I explained. "You +see, in Egypt, where I come from--that is, I was attached, you know, +to the--well, in short, I haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I +said before. But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof--they +do that in Egypt, you know--and I have my identity discs, my +demobilisation papers, my cheque-book--oh, and heaps of other things +which would prove to you that I am really me. Besides, my name is sewn +inside the back of my tunic. _And_ my shirt," I added hopefully. + +"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the Corporal coldly, +"your only course is to obtain a certificate of identity from the Camp +Commandant." + +"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take me a +quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office and another +quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get a certificate of identity +under an hour and a-half. It is now twenty-five past three. You close +at four. To-morrow morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... +You see how impossible it all is, Corporal." + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to issue the gloves +without your Field Advance Book or a certificate of identity." + +"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, Corporal, how cold it +will be across Italy and France without gloves. I've been in the East +for over four years, and I might get pneumonia and die, you know." + +"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. "It may not take so +long as you think." + + * * * * * + +At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office with my A.B.64, +identity discs, demobilisation papers and cheque-book ready to hand, +and my tunic loosened at the neck. + +At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence. + +At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, with a +certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest piece of work I +have ever known in the Army. And I might have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in +disguise for all they knew in the office--or cared. + + * * * * * + +"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment Issue +Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to another officer while +you were away." + +ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +ON HALF RATIONS. + + "Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable + home. Treated as _one_ of the family."--_Daily Paper_. + +The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this niggardly +arrangement. + + * * * * * + + "V.A.D.--Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., + Piano, Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital + closing down and having same for sale, kindly communicate + with Secretary."--_Times_. + +We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected to do under +the piano and billiard table, but we presume that her consent would be +required, and that she would not be sold, so to speak, over her own +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TURN OF THE TIDE. + +JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_AMATEUR THEATRICAL REHEARSAL_. + +_Author_. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK _MY_ LINES, AND +THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH." + +_Tommy (on short leave)_. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY +LEAVE?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE RHINE. + +I. + +"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and infamous Hun, I am, I am." + +We are obliged to repeat this continually to ourselves in order to +present the stern and forbidding air which is supposed to mark our +dealings with the inhabitants. For, look you, we have usurped the +place of the Royal Jocks on the "right flank of the British Army," and +are on outpost duty, with our right resting on the bank of the Rhine, +while in front the notice-boards, "Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare +at us. + +No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, pay-through-the-nose people +that we were. No longer does our daily routine include the smile for +Mademoiselle, the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny for the little +ones. No, we steel ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted to +us, and struggle to offer a perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum." + +What does Thomas think of it all? Well, to tell the truth, I haven't +caught him thinking very much about it. Gloating seems foreign to his +nature somehow, and I don't think he will ever make a really good +Hun. He is rather like a child who for four years has been crying +incessantly for the moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, I'm glad +I've got it; now let's get on with something else," and takes not the +slightest interest in the silly old moon he has acquired with so much +trouble. + +There are two things to which he cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the inhabitants and the realisation +that his laboriously acquired knowledge of the French language is no +longer of any avail. He will never quite get over the former of these +two disabilities, but he is coping courageously with the latter. +For instance, in place of the "No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" now +explains that "Your saucepan I borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of environment makes very little +difference to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart and the necessary +rations, a British oasis will appear and be prepared to flourish in +any old desert you like. + +No, I am wrong. There is another difficulty which as yet he has not +been able entirely to overcome. I cannot describe the consternation +which came over the Company when I informed them that there was no +longer any need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. At first they +thought it was just a Company Commander's humour and paid it the usual +compliments of the parade; but when they found I was serious they were +simply appalled. It was as if I had taken the very spice out of their +existence. Not to be able to go out and "win" a handful of fuel for +the evening's fug and for the brewing of those unwholesome messes in +the tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could not have propounded a more +revolutionary principle. Heartbroken some of the old soldiers came +to me afterwards. "What are we to do, Sir?" they said. "We only go +on guard four hours in sixteen; we must do something the rest of the +time." Sternly I bade them think of scrounging as a thing of the +past--a thing of glorious memory only to be spoken of round the fires +at home. If they wanted anything in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it. + +For let me tell you, all you demobilised wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life were matters of private +enterprise--let me tell you that in this village, if I say that I +require coal, _coal is here_, and with it the Buergermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We must have beds? The spare beds +of the village are forthcoming. If we want baths for the men, our +Mr. Carfax, who speaks a language which the inhabitants pretend to +understand, goes round to the householders and explains the necessity. +Should there be any difficulty he explains further that it would be +_much_ better, don't they think, and _much_ more convenient if the +men visited the houses, rather than that baths should be carried to +some central place? It is invariably found to be preferable for all +concerned. + +Bathing has now become a pleasure to all, except, perhaps, to +Nijinsky, our Pole from Commercial Road, East. On being presented +(for the first time, I gather) to a first-class bathroom with geyser +complete, he evinced signs of great uneasiness. In fact he seemed to +think that this was making a parade of a purely private matter. The +Sergeant-Major, being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the +thing a trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his hands in characteristic +fashion and said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, anyhow," and +they left him to it. The rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and leaving the gas on, of a loud +explosion and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and frightened, fleeing +through the main street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently I heard +him expressing forcibly a fixed determination never, _never_ to be +persuaded against his will again. + +Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be a Hun. Every day we go about +telling one another what Huns we are and how we love our hunnishness. +And yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I don't believe all our +efforts amount to anything really; they wouldn't deceive a child--and +in fact they don't. For ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have acquired an extraordinarily +good imitation of Tommy's salute, and, though Subalterns and +Sergeant-Majors may go about gnashing their teeth and wearing +expressions of frightful ferocity, still the youngsters grin +fearlessly as they raise their tiny fingers. They know it isn't real. +They know a Hun when they see him all right; what child doesn't? + +And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking one of them up from the gutter the +other day and soothing its tears with the baby-talk of all nations. I +told him he was fraternising abominably and was not being a true Hun. + +"Well," he said, "you can't leave a child yelling in a puddle, can +you?" + +And, damn it, you can't, so what's the use of trying to be hunnish? + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who is +searching for a tip)_. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +RAPID PROMOTION. + +From a Parliamentary report:-- + + "Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General Seely said ... General + Seely, replying ..."--_Daily Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "The canonical proceedings for the beatification of Pope Pius IX. + and Christopher Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As the + result of a very close investigation, it was decided that these + two candidates lacked certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. + had signed death sentences and Christopher Columbus was held + responsible for massacres."--_Sunday Paper_. + +This news, we understand, has caused a painful impression at +Amerongen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)_. "ONE MORE +QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN _YOU_ COOK?" + +_Her Ladyship_. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER." + +_Cook_. "OH--DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL +MISTRESS."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE. + +In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to +their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of +doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some +useful results might follow. + +None did. + +The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once +the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the +least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little +serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific +investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds +as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and +poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.) + +Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could +affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance +of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be +out in the cold. + +A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was +necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection. +Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his +papers and left the room. + +Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best +preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick +clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an +excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his +patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help. + +Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for +the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The +best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure +mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it. + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He +personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived +healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and +drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their +fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold. +Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left. + +Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience +colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing +the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served +to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so +freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered. + +Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of +Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last +speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was +so bad as to check them. + +Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far +more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there +was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably +manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a +long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting, +followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France. +(Loud coughs and cheers.) + +Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should +not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was +so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at +home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily +be contradicted by a competent authority. + +Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the +greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy. + +Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass +of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy. +Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses. + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve +manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which +time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one +who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer +Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause, +evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than +that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to +address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed. + +Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had +even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for +coal. + +Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so +efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the +habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free +from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace +Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers. + +Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed. + +Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention, +and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a +cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation. + +The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our +reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S +remarks, took his departure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour +party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T +THEY?" + +_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY +USED TO."] + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. + + "NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE. + + "To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4. + + * * * * * + + "HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON. + + "All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the + maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._ + +To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled +price: + + "Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could + assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not + within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been +conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise. + + * * * * * + + "When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If + the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight + persons the increase is 800 per cent. + + "How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of + 800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily + Sketch_. + +"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German +indemnity. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXXX. + +My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this +deal, I seem a model of innocence. + +Let me refresh your memory of the facts. + +In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in +the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I +was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom +we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and +another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood +at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as +you would put it, other things were equal. + +Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed +with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office, +said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go. +I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I +couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He +offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it +for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better +prosecution of the War. + +I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but +regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no +control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which +could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he +produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then +withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the +money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from +the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell +you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared. + +My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of +the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for +instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in +my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent +messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent. +Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually +declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer. + +There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin +would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds +which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the +rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man) +ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for +a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and +pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_. + +More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted +by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man +who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the +rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full +of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention +in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just +cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to +the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to +do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the +very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to +myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the +Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense" +basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs +profit_. + +That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well +have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I +thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the +Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England, +sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took +some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had +had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five +guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I +at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the +proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's +Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of +trouble again. + +Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it +was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed +character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out +orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and +twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice +as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell +me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption. + +I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer. + +I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government. + +With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as +representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion), + +I remain, + +Yours sincerely, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +PIVOTS. + + "Bermondsey Bill," who used to be + The idol of the N.S.C., + Began to fight in 17-- + P.T. instructor, very keen, + Teaching recruits to jab the faces + Of dummy Germans at the bases. + But Bill, I see, is booked to box + Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks, + And nobody should feel surprised + That Bill has been demobilised. + + Although the War upset, I fear, + John Jones's pacifist career, + He did not murmur or repine, + But hurried to the nearest mine, + And stuck it till the "refugees" + Were all transplanted overseas. + In France he saw some dreadful scenes + As salesman in E.F. canteens; + But when the Bosch had been chastised + _He_ was at once demobilised. + + A most diverting person, Brown-- + The "star" comedian in Town, + And, since he donned a posh Sam B., + O.C. Amusements, L. of C. + He steadfastly refused to whine + Because he never saw the Line, + But carried on, stout fellow, and + Is now at home, I understand. + A pivot so well-paid and prized + Just _had_ to be demobilised. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE +BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?" + +_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. +YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +OCCUPIED OPERA. + +It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and +as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between +the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the +German clerk in the box-office. + +I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his +whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for +the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The +demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the +military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated +every week. + +We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic +queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up +my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer, +a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind +round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R. +turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick +it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his +first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues, +and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance +of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the +situation had the attraction of novelty. + +By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was +going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we +moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the +relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was +over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing +to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for +next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!" + +How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in +which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In +vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the +world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but +Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_. +Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was +his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine +Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation, +vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last +he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the +authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window. + +I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two +mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have +happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an +order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the +ticket so unwarrantably withheld. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU +DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT." + +_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?" + +_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +PTERO-DACTYLS. + +(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._) + + Daedalus, once in the island of Crete, + Finding his host tried to limit his scenery, + Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet, + Went and invented some flying machinery; + Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks + Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any, + Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax, + Fitting another pair on to his progeny; + So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us, + First of air-pilots was old Father Daedalus. + + Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail + (Science of old wasn't hard on her votary, + So little mention you find in the tale + Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary); + Silently skimming along in the air + Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer, + "Mind that your altitude's low, and beware + Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!" + Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it, + Flew in the face of his father and scouted it. + + Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun, + Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor; + Higher and higher he banked and he spun, + Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore. + "Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts? + Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty; + I'll find a method of stopping your stunts; + Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity." + Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em, + Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em). + + Down to the depths of the bottomless sea + Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity, + Leaving a name for the ages to be. + "Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity." + See from the sequel the fitness of things: + Nearly forgotten this early adventure is; + Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings + Still its revenge in the course of the centuries. + Over the sky, from the east to the west of it, + Man has decidedly now got the best of it. + + R.A.F. + + * * * * * + +TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS. + +Extract from a tradesman's circular:-- + + "Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite + shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your + Spring term requirements." + + * * * * * + + "A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough + Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_. + +But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our +bureaucrats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN +AESOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been +temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of +Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury +Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but +presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged. + +The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN +REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a +"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too +little of it was available. + +[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A +DEMOBILISATION ON?"] + +On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the +Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with +amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where +amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in +future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a +long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary." + +Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the +_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor. +How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present +position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate, +but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should +need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved +General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its +phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on +war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led +to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli. + +"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other +Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the +League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the +utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in +being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed +Power. + +A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening. +The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere +in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial +effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial. + +[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.] + +_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden +speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career. +Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential +in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a +dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by +the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report. + +No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary +curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear +complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded +for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston +Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily +clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as +lightning-conductor. + +The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape +from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet +girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly +stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all +knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive? + +_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR +were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently +suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of +Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord +SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his +full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where +they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together +until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of +Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went +through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the +"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about +subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If +the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as +missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial +fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed. +Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that +"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion. + +At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any +money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount +somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself +and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a +composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This +is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not +misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for +our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step. + +On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial +straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo, +and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour +leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members +of Parliament. + +_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners +as had not already saved them the trouble. + +History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD +enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase. +JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of +PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation. + +The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a +storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its +election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone +to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby +was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of +the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription." + +A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW +remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit +place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view +that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and +passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SENTINELS. + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the night + There are Fairy Sentinels + Watching till it's light; + If they ever went to sleep + The Big Clock would tell; + But, Left-Right! Left-Right! + They know their duty well; + I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear, + The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair! + + Up and down the nurs'ry stair + All through the day + There the Fairy Sentinels + Sleep the time away; + If you were to wake them up, + Think how tired they'd be, + So Tip-toe! Tip-toe! + Go upstairs quietly. + Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair-- + The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP." + +_He_. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."] + + * * * * * + +THE SPACE PROBLEM. + + The sad queues shiver in the drains + And do not get upon the bus; + Men battle round successive trains, + And each is yet more populous; + Twelve times a week I pay the fare, + But know not when I last sat down; + It almost looks as if there were + Too many people in the town. + + I know not where they all may dwell; + I know my lease is up in May; + I know I said, "Oh, very well, + I'll take a house down Dorking way;" + I scoured the spacious countryside, + I found no residence to spare, + And it is not to be denied + There are too many people there. + + They say the birth-rate's sadly low; + They say the death-rate tends to soar; + So how we manage I don't know + To go on growing more and more; + Let statistology prefer + To think the race is nice and small, + But how do all these crowds occur, + And who the dickens are they all? + + Where do they come from? Where on earth + In olden days did they reside, + When there was really lots of birth + And hardly anybody died? + Where had this multitude its lair? + Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt; + I only wish they'd go back there + And leave me room to move about; + + And leave some little house for me + In any shire, in any town, + Or, otherwise, myself must flee + And build a dug-out in a down; + If none may settle on the land, + Yet might one settle underground + (Provided people understand + They must not come and dig all round). + + There will I dwell (alone) till death + And soothe my crowd-corroded soul; + And, when I breathe my latest breath, + Let no man move me from my hole; + Let but a little earth be cast, + And someone write above the tomb: + "_Here had the poet peace at last; + Here only had he elbow-room._" + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE SWEET-SHOP. + +It was a mean street somewhere in the wilderness of Fulham. How I +got there I don't exactly know; all that I am clear about is that I +was trying, on insufficient data, to make a short cut. Twilight was +falling, there was a slight drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London. + +Here and there, breaking the monotony of dark house-fronts, were +little isolated shops, which gave a touch of colour to the drabness. I +paused before one of them, through whose small and dim window a light +shed a melancholy beam upon the pavement. Nothing seemed to be sold +there, for the window was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," "pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." +Apparently the shop had sold out. + +I was on the point of turning away when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an ancient dame began to take +certain jars from the window and fill them with sweets from boxes on +the counter. Evidently a new stock had just arrived. Then I remembered +that sweets had been "freed." + +A little girl stopped beside me, stared through the window and +then ran off at top speed. Within a couple of minutes half-a-dozen +youngsters were peering into the shop, and a pair of them marched in, +consulting earnestly as they went. The news spread; more children +arrived. I distributed a largesse of pennies which gave me a +popularity I have never achieved before. The street seemed to take on +a different aspect. I almost liked it. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD DOG. + +There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti getting to be an +old dog, but he has already got there. He _is_ an old dog. Yet the +change in the case of this beloved little Pekinese has been so gradual +that until it was accomplished few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as +it seemed, Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the crown of +the road and refused to stir from it though all the hooters of Europe +endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day he is still a challenger of +motor-cars; but he hurls his defiance with less assurance and has been +seen to retire before the advance of a motor-bicycle. + +Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, let us hope +with accuracy, a _cruda viridisque senectus_. Quite a short time ago +his muzzle, like the rest of him, was as black as ebony. Now he wears +a pair of thick white moustachios, which are comparable only with +those worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Marechal JOFFRE. + +In another way too our little dog gives proof that his years are +advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the moment of the +_promenade_; not that he intended thus to show any deference to the +humans who were inviting him to take a walk, but that he thought it +was a fine manly thing to do, and one that might bring about that +fight of his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to which +he looked forward as to one of his unachieved pleasures. He therefore +fell not more than one hundred yards behind his accompanists, and when +this was pointed out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up +and rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he still barks +a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at once to lag, and is +found in an armchair when the party returns. It is vain to remind +him that in the old days he was called the little black feather for +the lightness of his gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce +nor'-easter. Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:-- + + "Attend to your duty, + My brave little Soo-ti, + There isn't much sun in the sky: + But we've sported together + In all kinds of weather, + My little black feather and I." + +It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and plain prose +is equally ineffective when once he has made up his mind that he +doesn't mean to move. + +One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly describe. He is +always much agitated when his mistress packs her boxes to depart to an +institution for higher education of which she is a member. While this +is going forward, Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to +couch in the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, to +leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, and to sink down +with a sigh of satisfaction on what was once a very artistic bit of +packing. I do not say that this trick is entirely due to old age. +Nearly all dogs do it. Only there was on the last occasion a special +anxiety, and a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back soon, so that +we may meet again before my eyes grow dim and my ears lose their +keenness." + + * * * * * + + "In future all unmarried men and women having an income of $1,000 + will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed unless + their income is over $1,500,000."--_Canadian Gazette_. + +The poor fellows must have some compensation. + + * * * * * + +THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP. + + ["C.K.S.," in _The Sphere_, describing his numerous visits to + GEORGE MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can + he claim to have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I + always make the test of intimate friendship when people call one + another by their Christian names."] + + The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S." + Is intimacy's truest test; but "George," + When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess) + Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge; + And to the end he never got beyond + The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond. + + How sad to think this barrier was never + Demolished, broken down and swept away, + But still remained to sunder and to sever + Two of the choicest spirits of our day! + For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind, + On this one point showed an inclement mind. + + The case was simplified in days of eld; + HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name, + And an Athenian bookman, if impelled + To visit him at Chios, when he came + Across the blind old poet and beach-comber, + Addressed him probably _tout court_ as HOMER. + + PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim-- + Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic; + And SHORTER could not have accosted him + By _sobriquets_ endearing or ecstatic; + It would have certainly provoked a scene, + For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean." + + Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited + As an illustrious brother of the quill, + Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted + To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill," + And in the small uproarious hours A.M. + Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"? + + Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed; + Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain; + What might have been can never be revealed, + But one momentous fact at least is plain: + We know from an authoritative quarter + That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER. + + * * * * * + +THE TWOPENNY EGG. + +The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the twopenny egg." +On making inquiries we learn that this phenomenon will be invisible +at Greenwich, but may be viewed from the North of Scotland, a region +happily less inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions +have in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions differ as +to the best point for observation, but it is probable that the island +of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen. + + * * * * * + + "Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all + know that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all + icy suspicion."--_Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star"._ + +It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted. + + * * * * * + + "The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he + met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged + to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot + belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp + instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet + completely healed."--_Evening Paper_. + +The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great +Bear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOPED LION. A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.] + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE. + +True sportsmen will regret Mr. ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, "I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve." + +By "improve" he no doubt meant that when we ring up a number in future +we shall simply get it; that people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect. + +I only hope the improvement will be delayed until I get my own back. I +have been playing rather a bad line lately, and only this morning lost +a set by one game to two. + + * * * * * + +The operator won the first game before I could get into my stride. +She rang me up three times in five minutes, and each time put me on +to nobody. This was a very bad start, and I determined that I must +at least give her a game. So the third time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular ring arrangement up and down. There is +always a chance that your signal may be working, and it annoys the +operator. But she beat me by a swift stroke. + +"What number do you want?" she asked cynically. I said, "Well played, +Sir--Madam!" Then she rubbed it in with a parting shot: "Sorry you +have been terroubled," she said, and cut me off. Love--one. + + * * * * * + +"Hullo!" I said, when my bell rang the next time. + +"Put me through to Extension 8, please." + +The only thing to do with this sort of shot is to return it safely. + +"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one." + +"Haven't _what_?" he said. + +"Got one." + +"One what?" + +"Extension." + +Then he became annoyed and shouted, "Aren't you the War Office?" + +"No," I answered, "I am not the War Office." + +"Aren't you the War Off--" + +But I clapped on my receiver. In fact I clapped it on so violently +that I thought I had silenced the thing for good and all. + +A series of tugging ineffective clicks on the part of my bell decided +me to investigate. This move on my part was to win me the game. + +I took off my receiver and listened. No answer. I banged the rigging. +No answer. I banged and thumped. + +"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, "I am attending to you as +quickly as I can. What number do you want?" + +"Well," I explained, "as a matter of fact I don't want a number. +I only wondered if my line was all right. Sorry you have been +terroubled," and I cut her off. One--all. + + * * * * * + +The third and last game started briskly. In the course of the first +ten minutes I was rung up and asked if I was-- + +1. The Timber Control. + +2. Mr. Awl or All. + +3. The Timber Control (again). + +4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my +head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.") + +My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he, +rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me. +In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator, +without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This +must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the +emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it +is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the +Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded. + +She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by +and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I +was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said +she would have my line seen to. + +The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift +stroke. My bell rang. + +"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have +received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a +man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon." + +This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches: +of the Telephone Engineering Department. + +"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's +sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off, +there's a good fellow." + +"But I thought there was something wrong--" + +"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved +better in its life. It's a positive joy to me." + +I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at +all times. But I had lost the set. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION. + +_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?" + +_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is +slate."] + + * * * * * + + "On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of + the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in + pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in + Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Personally we were not bidding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE, +CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK." + +_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._ +"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL." + +_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM +BEHIND."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +When a story bears the attractive title of _The House of Courage_ +(DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of 1914 with a number of +pleasantly prosperous people whose faith in the continuance of this +prosperity is frequently emphasised ("as if they had a contract with +God Almighty" is how an observant character phrases it); and when, +in the first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans in +a Soho restaurant--well, it requires no great guessing to tell what +will happen before we are through with it. And, in fact, Mrs. VICTOR +RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; though with this novelty, +that the hero's experiences of service are almost entirely gained in a +German prison-camp. As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault that the +earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting society in County +Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than the scenes of boredom +and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed as these are and almost +over-realistic and convincing. Inevitably too the scheme is one of +incident rather than character. One has never any very serious doubt +that in the long run the hero, _Kennedy_, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly unworthy +_Harrington_. But as part of the long run was from Crefeld to the +Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that you can imagine (and a few +more, including an admirable thrill almost on the post), one is left +with the comfortable feeling that the prize was well earned. You will +rightly judge that most of _The House of Courage_ is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; but it +remains an excellent yarn. + + * * * * * + +When _Esme Hillier_, possessed by _The Imp_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed the hero (to whom she +had had no previous introduction) into the sea. I have some sympathy +with her energetic protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the +age of sixteen should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. _Esme_, a pained spectator, showed her public +spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act she sealed her own +fate, for after this it was inevitable that they should ultimately +marry each other, the girl of the kissing episode notwithstanding. The +immediate incentive to their union, which was by the Scotch method, +was that _Esme_ had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and _Tourntourq_, the +Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. Though married +in haste they did not wait for leisure before they repented, but +commenced quarrelling at once, until _Esme_, in order to test his love +and that of an admirer who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" +her hair and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this they +separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, who was really +quite a nice person, was killed, and _Tourntourq_, who was apparently +a lunatic, though that is not stated in so many words, was blinded. +It seems quite superfluous to add that _Tourntourq_ wins the V.C. and +recovers both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there are such +good patches in the book that I cannot help hoping that some day +WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand (I feel it is _her_ hand) at another, +which I shall really believe in all through. + + * * * * * + +Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely unprolific. So I +was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE WILSON FOX bravely keeping the +old flag flying with a story bearing the gallant title, _Too Near the +Throne_ (S.P.C.K.). I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly +shrewd guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as pretext for an +abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You can see that in practised +hands (as here) and decorated with a pretty trimming of sentiment, +abductions, witch-finding and other appropriate accessories, +this furnishes a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought +disappointed that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, and +that, having started "too near the throne," the tale subsequently gave +it so wide a berth. But this is no great fault. I can witness that +Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one essential quality of the historical +novelist in her appreciation of picturesque raiment. Almost indeed she +emulates those jewelled paragraphs in which the creator of _Windsor +Castle_ would fill half a chapter with a riot of sartorial +coruscations. As a birthday present, say for an appreciative niece, I +can think of few volumes whose welcome would be better assured. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in _St. George and the Dragon_ +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last St. George's +Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future which he delivered up +and down America from January to August of last year. Since then +many things have happened. But nothing has happened that can make Mr. +MASEFIELD other than proud of the part he has played in explaining and +glorifying his country's cause and commending it to the hearts and +minds of all good Americans. I confess that when I took up the book +and read the first few lines I was afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had +yielded to the temptation of delivering his speech in poetical prose +of a faintly Biblical character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time +I did not know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. I +could fill a speech with thanks and praise--thanks for the kindness +and welcome which have met me up and down this land wherever I have +gone, and praise for the great national effort which I have seen in so +many places and felt everywhere." Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned +this manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid pedestrian +style. But he did not disdain to go so far in flattery of the +Americans, his audience, as to use the word "gotten" for the past +tense of the verb "to get." + + * * * * * + +There can be few Irishmen who look at their England with such +affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. _Tales of War_ (FISHER UNWIN) is +full of this sweet theme. The first of the tales is a fine story of +the Daleswood men who, cut off from their supports and worried because +there would be none left in their native village to carry on the +Daleswood breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to surrender. +But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood form, they (for their +last hours, as they thought) fell to recalling the familiar beauties +of their old home and to cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of +their names for remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of +the home memories, when, in another marooned party, the Sargeant that +was keeper begins with a vision of sausages and mashed and goes on +to the birds and beasts and flowers and soft noises of English woods +at night. And in a half-dozen other sketches. And it is good to find +an Irishman and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing a great deal +into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched in with a conscious +art, should find a place on our shelves among the war records which +our children are to read. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. + +_War Profiteer_. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did _I_ know yer wanted +a toy?"] + + * * * * * + + "When the wife of President Wilson was in London she spent + hours shopping in Regent Street and other quaint sections of + London."--_Daily Gleaner_. + +Regent Street _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving a loving cut from + Halifax citizens, described how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a + few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing + a single revolution of the propellers."--_Australian Paper_. + +One good cut deserves another. + + * * * * * + +THE INFLUENZA-MASK. + + "Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle + And caused the _Wacht an Rhein_ to lose its job, + Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle + And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob-- + Shall I allow each little grinning urchin + To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink + For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin? + No, no! I do _not_ think. + + "My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting + And lay me under Balham's local curse; + There be--I know it--those in Upper Tooting + Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse; + But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket + Millions will bless me!--more I cannot ask; + So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it! + And, Jane, bring forth the mask!" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, MARCH 12, 1919
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