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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11094-h.htm or 11094-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h/11094-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/9/11094/11094-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+MARCH 12, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The spread of influenza is said to be greatly assisted by
+"germ-carriers." We can't think why germs should be carried. Let
+'em walk.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _The Sunday Express_ a young American named Frisco states
+that he invented the Jazz. There was also a murder confession in the
+Press last week.
+
+       ***
+
+"Whitehall," says a Society organ, "has succumbed to the Jazz, the
+Fox-trot and the Bunny-hug." It still shows a decided preference,
+however, for the Barnacle-cling.
+
+       ***
+
+A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he was suffering
+from an attack of influenza and had taken some whisky. Yes, but where
+from?
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," which appeared
+in a daily paper the other day, misled a great number of sufferers,
+who at once wrote to say that they were prepared to make the exchange.
+
+       ***
+
+It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car has been
+produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced by pedestrians
+when being run over by a car is said to have been eliminated.
+
+       ***
+
+Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the pancake thrown to
+the boys at Westminster School in the presence of the KING and QUEEN
+appeared to fall flat.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to learn that the little Kensington boy who was tossed by
+a huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is stated to be going on nicely.
+
+       ***
+
+Five hundred and twenty-seven pounds of American bacon have been
+declared unfit for food by the Marylebone magistrate. Why this
+invidious distinction?
+
+       ***
+
+"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in
+his own home against everyone but his wife." It is surmised that his
+Honour never kept a cook.
+
+       ***
+
+We are informed that the dispute between the Ministry of Labour and
+the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has been settled by the latter name
+being changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union."
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour the creation of a new Order for
+deserving Welshmen. The revival of the Order of the Golden Fleece
+is suggested.
+
+       ***
+
+A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of
+"satin-walnut hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had
+had its day.
+
+       ***
+
+Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier stated that he remembered
+nothing about his second marriage and pleaded that he was
+absent-minded. A very good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace
+every time you get married.
+
+       ***
+
+A sorry blow has been dealt at those who maintain we are not a
+commercial race. "You gave me prussic acid in mistake for quinine this
+morning," a man told a chemist the other day. "Is that so?" said the
+chemist; "then you owe me another twopence."
+
+       ***
+
+For the benefit of those about to emigrate we have pleasure in
+furnishing the exclusive information that very shortly there will
+be big openings in America for corkscrew-straighteners.
+
+       ***
+
+We are now able to state that the wedding of Princess PATRICIA and
+Commander RAMSAY passed off without a hymeneal ode from the POET
+LAUREATE.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that a lady operator who was impudent to the District
+Supervisor on the telephone the other day would have been severely
+reprimanded but for her plea that she mistook him for a subscriber.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In
+these days of expensive boots this should be good news to people who
+travel to and from the City by Tube on foot.
+
+       ***
+
+We hear privately that one of our leading dailies has fixed April 14th
+as the date on which its office "correspondent" will first hear the
+note of the cuckoo in Epping Forest.
+
+       ***
+
+Several suspicious cases of sickness are reported among the aborigines
+of New South Wales. It is not yet known whether they are due to
+influenza or to the native custom of partaking heavily of snakepie on
+the eve of Lent.
+
+       ***
+
+Nottingham will hold its six hundred and fifty-eighth annual Goose
+Fair this year, and a local paper has made a distinct hit by stating
+that it is "the oldest gathering of its kind except the House of
+Commons."
+
+       ***
+
+President EBERT, according to the _Frankfort Gazette_, is to have a
+Chief Master of Ceremonies. One of his first duties, in which he will
+have the advice of prominent musicians, will be to fix an authorised
+style of eating _Sauerkraut_ which shall be impressive yet devoid of
+ostentation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a
+certain London restaurant at night have supper given to them by the
+management.]
+
+_First Taxi_. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?"
+
+_Second ditto_. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD
+BEAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A woman's sphere was her own home, that she should earn her own
+    living was inimical to domestic happiness; it was almost contra
+    bonus morus, which is a very serious thing indeed."--_Scots
+    Paper_.
+
+It certainly would be for Smith mi. if he said it in class.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles ----, a full-blooded
+    Sioux Indian, and the only full-blooded literary man among the
+    North American Indians."--_American Paper_.
+
+We could spare some of our full-blooded, literary men if there is a
+shortage in America.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONUMENTS OF THE WAR.
+
+  Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay
+    Our triumphs gathered all across the map;
+  Lest other topics--like the weather, say,
+    Or jazzing--should supplant the recent scrap;
+  Or lest a future race whose careless lot
+    Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid
+  Millennial balm, be unaware of what
+    (Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;--
+
+  Let such invite our architects to plan
+    Great monumental works in steel and stone,
+  Certain to catch the eye of any man
+    And make our victories generally known;
+  Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built,
+    In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set,
+  And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:--
+    "IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET."
+
+  Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored,
+    Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest,
+  Baring her ravaged beauty to record
+    The Culture of the Bosch when at his best;
+  At Albert, even where it bit the ground,
+    Low let the Image lie and tell its fate,
+  Poignant memento, like our own renowned
+    ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate).
+
+  For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween,
+    Sufficiently recall these fateful years;
+  I need no monument for keeping green
+    All that I suffered in the Volunteers;
+  Therefore I urge the Army Council, at
+    Its earliest leisure, please--next week would do--
+  To raze the hutments opposite my flat,
+    That still impinge on my riparian view.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES.
+
+It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be demobilised, that I
+decided to buy a pair of warm gloves from Ordnance.
+
+After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. Depot, the
+Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., I found myself, at the end
+of a morning's strenuous walking, confronted by notices on a closed
+door stating that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department;
+that this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment Issue
+Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office
+would re-open at 14.00.
+
+I went away to lunch.
+
+At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and entered. From
+14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the R.A.F. smoking cigarettes
+and choosing a pair of socks, and studied notices to the effect that
+this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that only Officers
+were permitted to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that
+smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office would close at
+16.00.
+
+At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, he had an
+appointment at three, and would return, old bean--er, Corporal--in
+the morning to see about those dashed socks. The Corporal behind
+the counter blew away a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me
+distrustfully.
+
+"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, woollen,
+knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence."
+
+"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. I'll take them
+now."
+
+But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, watching
+another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate for gloves,
+woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, pairs one. At 15.05 I was
+in another building, getting the indent stamped and countersigned.
+At 15.12 I was in another building, exchanging it for a buff form in
+duplicate. At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went through
+the motions of taking up the gloves.
+
+"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding them away; "you
+must first produce your Field Advance Book as a proof of identity."
+
+"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I explained. "You
+see, in Egypt, where I come from--that is, I was attached, you know,
+to the--well, in short, I haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I
+said before. But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof--they
+do that in Egypt, you know--and I have my identity discs, my
+demobilisation papers, my cheque-book--oh, and heaps of other things
+which would prove to you that I am really me. Besides, my name is sewn
+inside the back of my tunic. _And_ my shirt," I added hopefully.
+
+"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the Corporal coldly,
+"your only course is to obtain a certificate of identity from the Camp
+Commandant."
+
+"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take me a
+quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office and another
+quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get a certificate of identity
+under an hour and a-half. It is now twenty-five past three. You close
+at four. To-morrow morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg....
+You see how impossible it all is, Corporal."
+
+"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to issue the gloves
+without your Field Advance Book or a certificate of identity."
+
+"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, Corporal, how cold it
+will be across Italy and France without gloves. I've been in the East
+for over four years, and I might get pneumonia and die, you know."
+
+"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. "It may not take so
+long as you think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office with my A.B.64,
+identity discs, demobilisation papers and cheque-book ready to hand,
+and my tunic loosened at the neck.
+
+At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence.
+
+At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, with a
+certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest piece of work I
+have ever known in the Army. And I might have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in
+disguise for all they knew in the office--or cared.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment Issue
+Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to another officer while
+you were away."
+
+ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON HALF RATIONS.
+
+    "Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable
+    home. Treated as _one_ of the family."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this niggardly
+arrangement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "V.A.D.--Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S.,
+    Piano, Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital
+    closing down and having same for sale, kindly communicate
+    with Secretary."--_Times_.
+
+We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected to do under
+the piano and billiard table, but we presume that her consent would be
+required, and that she would not be sold, so to speak, over her own
+head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TURN OF THE TIDE.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO
+SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE.--_AMATEUR THEATRICAL REHEARSAL_.
+
+_Author_. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK _MY_ LINES, AND
+THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH."
+
+_Tommy (on short leave)_. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY
+LEAVE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE RHINE.
+
+I.
+
+"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and infamous Hun, I am, I am."
+
+We are obliged to repeat this continually to ourselves in order to
+present the stern and forbidding air which is supposed to mark our
+dealings with the inhabitants. For, look you, we have usurped the
+place of the Royal Jocks on the "right flank of the British Army," and
+are on outpost duty, with our right resting on the bank of the Rhine,
+while in front the notice-boards, "Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare
+at us.
+
+No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, pay-through-the-nose people
+that we were. No longer does our daily routine include the smile for
+Mademoiselle, the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny for the little
+ones. No, we steel ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted to
+us, and struggle to offer a perfect picture of stolid indifference to
+anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum."
+
+What does Thomas think of it all? Well, to tell the truth, I haven't
+caught him thinking very much about it. Gloating seems foreign to his
+nature somehow, and I don't think he will ever make a really good
+Hun. He is rather like a child who for four years has been crying
+incessantly for the moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, I'm glad
+I've got it; now let's get on with something else," and takes not the
+slightest interest in the silly old moon he has acquired with so much
+trouble.
+
+There are two things to which he cannot quite accustom himself: not
+being allowed to fraternize with the inhabitants and the realisation
+that his laboriously acquired knowledge of the French language is no
+longer of any avail. He will never quite get over the former of these
+two disabilities, but he is coping courageously with the latter.
+For instance, in place of the "No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" now
+explains that "Your saucepan I borrowed has a hole in it; please, I
+didn't do it." For the rest, change of environment makes very little
+difference to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart and the necessary
+rations, a British oasis will appear and be prepared to flourish in
+any old desert you like.
+
+No, I am wrong. There is another difficulty which as yet he has not
+been able entirely to overcome. I cannot describe the consternation
+which came over the Company when I informed them that there was no
+longer any need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. At first they
+thought it was just a Company Commander's humour and paid it the usual
+compliments of the parade; but when they found I was serious they were
+simply appalled. It was as if I had taken the very spice out of their
+existence. Not to be able to go out and "win" a handful of fuel for
+the evening's fug and for the brewing of those unwholesome messes in
+the tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could not have propounded a more
+revolutionary principle. Heartbroken some of the old soldiers came
+to me afterwards. "What are we to do, Sir?" they said. "We only go
+on guard four hours in sixteen; we must do something the rest of the
+time." Sternly I bade them think of scrounging as a thing of the
+past--a thing of glorious memory only to be spoken of round the fires
+at home. If they wanted anything in the meantime to add to their
+material comfort they were to come to me for it.
+
+For let me tell you, all you demobilised wallahs who know only those
+countries where the necessities of life were matters of private
+enterprise--let me tell you that in this village, if I say that I
+require coal, _coal is here_, and with it the Bürgermeister inquiring
+politely if my needs are satisfied. We must have beds? The spare beds
+of the village are forthcoming. If we want baths for the men, our
+Mr. Carfax, who speaks a language which the inhabitants pretend to
+understand, goes round to the householders and explains the necessity.
+Should there be any difficulty he explains further that it would be
+_much_ better, don't they think, and _much_ more convenient if the
+men visited the houses, rather than that baths should be carried to
+some central place? It is invariably found to be preferable for all
+concerned.
+
+Bathing has now become a pleasure to all, except, perhaps, to
+Nijinsky, our Pole from Commercial Road, East. On being presented
+(for the first time, I gather) to a first-class bathroom with geyser
+complete, he evinced signs of great uneasiness. In fact he seemed to
+think that this was making a parade of a purely private matter. The
+Sergeant-Major, being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the
+thing a trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his hands in characteristic
+fashion and said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, anyhow," and
+they left him to it. The rest of the story is concerned with his
+turning off the water in the geyser and leaving the gas on, of a loud
+explosion and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and frightened, fleeing
+through the main street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently I heard
+him expressing forcibly a fixed determination never, _never_ to be
+persuaded against his will again.
+
+Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be a Hun. Every day we go about
+telling one another what Huns we are and how we love our hunnishness.
+And yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I don't believe all our
+efforts amount to anything really; they wouldn't deceive a child--and
+in fact they don't. For ever since we came here one can't help
+noticing that the little tiny natives have acquired an extraordinarily
+good imitation of Tommy's salute, and, though Subalterns and
+Sergeant-Majors may go about gnashing their teeth and wearing
+expressions of frightful ferocity, still the youngsters grin
+fearlessly as they raise their tiny fingers. They know it isn't real.
+They know a Hun when they see him all right; what child doesn't?
+
+And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking one of them up from the gutter the
+other day and soothing its tears with the baby-talk of all nations. I
+told him he was fraternising abominably and was not being a true Hun.
+
+"Well," he said, "you can't leave a child yelling in a puddle, can
+you?"
+
+And, damn it, you can't, so what's the use of trying to be hunnish?
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who is
+searching for a tip)_. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING
+HERE ALL NIGHT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAPID PROMOTION.
+
+From a Parliamentary report:--
+
+    "Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General Seely said ... General
+    Seely, replying ..."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The canonical proceedings for the beatification of Pope Pius IX.
+    and Christopher Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As the
+    result of a very close investigation, it was decided that these
+    two candidates lacked certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX.
+    had signed death sentences and Christopher Columbus was held
+    responsible for massacres."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+This news, we understand, has caused a painful impression at
+Amerongen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)_. "ONE MORE
+QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN _YOU_ COOK?"
+
+_Her Ladyship_. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER."
+
+_Cook_. "OH--DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL
+MISTRESS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE.
+
+In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to
+their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of
+doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some
+useful results might follow.
+
+None did.
+
+The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once
+the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the
+least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little
+serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific
+investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds
+as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers
+were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and
+poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed.
+The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.)
+
+Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN
+and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could
+affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance
+of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be
+out in the cold.
+
+A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was
+necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection.
+Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his
+papers and left the room.
+
+Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best
+preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick
+clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an
+excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his
+patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help.
+
+Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for
+the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The
+best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure
+mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it.
+
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He
+personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived
+healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and
+drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their
+fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold.
+Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left.
+
+Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience
+colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing
+the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served
+to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so
+freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered.
+
+Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of
+Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last
+speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was
+so bad as to check them.
+
+Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far
+more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there
+was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably
+manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a
+long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting,
+followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France.
+(Loud coughs and cheers.)
+
+Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said
+that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should
+not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was
+so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at
+home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily
+be contradicted by a competent authority.
+
+Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the
+greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy.
+
+Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass
+of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy.
+Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses.
+
+Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way
+that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve
+manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which
+time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one
+who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer
+Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause,
+evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than
+that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to
+address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a
+very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed.
+
+Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective
+for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had
+even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for
+coal.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so
+efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the
+habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free
+from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace
+Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers.
+
+Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no
+sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed.
+
+Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention,
+and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a
+cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation.
+
+The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our
+reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S
+remarks, took his departure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour
+party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T
+THEY?"
+
+_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY
+USED TO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE.
+
+    "NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE.
+
+    "To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON.
+
+    "All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the
+    maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled
+price:
+
+    "Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could
+    assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not
+    within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_.
+
+In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been
+conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If
+    the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight
+    persons the increase is 800 per cent.
+
+    "How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of
+    800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily
+    Sketch_.
+
+"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the
+daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German
+indemnity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXXX.
+
+My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to
+myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this
+deal, I seem a model of innocence.
+
+Let me refresh your memory of the facts.
+
+In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in
+the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I
+was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom
+we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and
+another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood
+at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as
+you would put it, other things were equal.
+
+Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for
+its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed
+with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office,
+said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go.
+I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I
+couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He
+offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for
+a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it
+for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better
+prosecution of the War.
+
+I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but
+regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no
+control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which
+could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he
+produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then
+withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the
+money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from
+the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell
+you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared.
+
+My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of
+the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for
+instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in
+my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent
+messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent.
+Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that
+note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually
+declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer.
+
+There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin
+would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds
+which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the
+rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound,
+which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man)
+ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to
+myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the
+Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for
+a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and
+pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_.
+
+More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted
+by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man
+who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the
+rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full
+of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention
+in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just
+cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to
+the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to
+do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the
+very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to
+myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the
+Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque
+for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense"
+basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs
+profit_.
+
+That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well
+have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I
+thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the
+Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England,
+sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English
+cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took
+some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had
+had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five
+guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I
+at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse
+it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo
+said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed
+cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government
+requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the
+proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's
+Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of
+trouble again.
+
+Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it
+was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed
+character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out
+orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs
+and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn
+in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and
+twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice
+as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell
+me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption.
+
+I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer.
+
+I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government.
+
+With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as
+representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion),
+
+I remain,
+
+Yours sincerely, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PIVOTS.
+
+  "Bermondsey Bill," who used to be
+  The idol of the N.S.C.,
+  Began to fight in 17--
+  P.T. instructor, very keen,
+  Teaching recruits to jab the faces
+  Of dummy Germans at the bases.
+  But Bill, I see, is booked to box
+  Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks,
+  And nobody should feel surprised
+  That Bill has been demobilised.
+
+  Although the War upset, I fear,
+  John Jones's pacifist career,
+  He did not murmur or repine,
+  But hurried to the nearest mine,
+  And stuck it till the "refugees"
+  Were all transplanted overseas.
+  In France he saw some dreadful scenes
+  As salesman in E.F. canteens;
+  But when the Bosch had been chastised
+  _He_ was at once demobilised.
+
+  A most diverting person, Brown--
+  The "star" comedian in Town,
+  And, since he donned a posh Sam B.,
+  O.C. Amusements, L. of C.
+  He steadfastly refused to whine
+  Because he never saw the Line,
+  But carried on, stout fellow, and
+  Is now at home, I understand.
+  A pivot so well-paid and prized
+  Just _had_ to be demobilised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE
+BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?"
+
+_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING.
+YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OCCUPIED OPERA.
+
+It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had
+just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and
+as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between
+the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the
+German clerk in the box-office.
+
+I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best
+hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his
+whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for
+the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The
+demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the
+military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated
+every week.
+
+We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and
+every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic
+queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up
+my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer,
+a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind
+round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R.
+turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick
+it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his
+first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues,
+and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance
+of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing
+for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the
+situation had the attraction of novelty.
+
+By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House
+steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was
+going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we
+moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the
+relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was
+over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing
+to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for
+next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!"
+
+How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in
+which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In
+vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the
+world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but
+Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_.
+Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was
+his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine
+Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation,
+vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last
+he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the
+authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied
+by the man behind the window.
+
+I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two
+mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have
+happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an
+order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the
+ticket so unwarrantably withheld.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU
+DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT."
+
+_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING
+AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PTERO-DACTYLS.
+
+(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._)
+
+  Dædalus, once in the island of Crete,
+    Finding his host tried to limit his scenery,
+  Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet,
+    Went and invented some flying machinery;
+  Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks
+    Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any,
+  Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax,
+    Fitting another pair on to his progeny;
+  So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us,
+  First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus.
+
+  Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail
+    (Science of old wasn't hard on her votary,
+  So little mention you find in the tale
+    Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary);
+  Silently skimming along in the air
+    Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer,
+  "Mind that your altitude's low, and beware
+    Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!"
+  Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it,
+  Flew in the face of his father and scouted it.
+
+  Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun,
+    Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor;
+  Higher and higher he banked and he spun,
+    Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore.
+  "Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts?
+    Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty;
+  I'll find a method of stopping your stunts;
+    Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity."
+  Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em,
+  Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em).
+
+  Down to the depths of the bottomless sea
+    Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity,
+  Leaving a name for the ages to be.
+    "Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity."
+  See from the sequel the fitness of things:
+    Nearly forgotten this early adventure is;
+  Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings
+    Still its revenge in the course of the centuries.
+  Over the sky, from the east to the west of it,
+  Man has decidedly now got the best of it.
+
+  R.A.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS.
+
+Extract from a tradesman's circular:--
+
+    "Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite
+    shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your
+    Spring term requirements."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough
+    Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our
+bureaucrats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN
+ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been
+temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of
+Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury
+Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but
+presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged.
+
+The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN
+REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a
+"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too
+little of it was available.
+
+[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A
+DEMOBILISATION ON?"]
+
+On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the
+Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with
+amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where
+amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in
+future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a
+long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF
+EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary."
+
+Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable
+likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the
+_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor.
+How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present
+position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate,
+but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the
+World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and
+included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should
+need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved
+General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its
+phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on
+war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led
+to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli.
+
+"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other
+Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the
+League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the
+utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in
+being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed
+Power.
+
+A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening.
+The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere
+in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial
+effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major
+LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial.
+
+[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.]
+
+_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden
+speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career.
+Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential
+in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a
+dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the
+periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by
+the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report.
+
+No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office.
+But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE
+cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary
+curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear
+complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded
+for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston
+Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily
+clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as
+lightning-conductor.
+
+The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape
+from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet
+girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly
+stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all
+knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive?
+
+_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR
+were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently
+suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack.
+They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of
+Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord
+SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his
+full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed
+a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where
+they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together
+until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of
+Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went
+through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the
+"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about
+subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If
+the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as
+missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial
+fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed.
+Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that
+"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion.
+
+At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour
+from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any
+money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount
+somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself
+and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a
+composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This
+is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not
+misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for
+our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step.
+
+On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war
+magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every
+man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What
+can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial
+straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo,
+and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour
+leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members
+of Parliament.
+
+_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that
+the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners
+as had not already saved them the trouble.
+
+History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD
+enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase.
+JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of
+PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the
+likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation.
+
+The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a
+storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its
+election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone
+to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby
+was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL
+effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of
+the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription."
+
+A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW
+remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit
+place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view
+that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and
+passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SENTINELS.
+
+  Up and down the nurs'ry stair
+    All through the night
+  There are Fairy Sentinels
+    Watching till it's light;
+  If they ever went to sleep
+    The Big Clock would tell;
+  But, Left-Right! Left-Right!
+    They know their duty well;
+  I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear,
+  The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair!
+
+  Up and down the nurs'ry stair
+    All through the day
+  There the Fairy Sentinels
+    Sleep the time away;
+  If you were to wake them up,
+    Think how tired they'd be,
+  So Tip-toe! Tip-toe!
+    Go upstairs quietly.
+  Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair--
+  The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP."
+
+_He_. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPACE PROBLEM.
+
+  The sad queues shiver in the drains
+    And do not get upon the bus;
+  Men battle round successive trains,
+    And each is yet more populous;
+  Twelve times a week I pay the fare,
+    But know not when I last sat down;
+  It almost looks as if there were
+    Too many people in the town.
+
+  I know not where they all may dwell;
+    I know my lease is up in May;
+  I know I said, "Oh, very well,
+    I'll take a house down Dorking way;"
+  I scoured the spacious countryside,
+    I found no residence to spare,
+  And it is not to be denied
+    There are too many people there.
+
+  They say the birth-rate's sadly low;
+    They say the death-rate tends to soar;
+  So how we manage I don't know
+    To go on growing more and more;
+  Let statistology prefer
+    To think the race is nice and small,
+  But how do all these crowds occur,
+    And who the dickens are they all?
+
+  Where do they come from? Where on earth
+    In olden days did they reside,
+  When there was really lots of birth
+    And hardly anybody died?
+  Where had this multitude its lair?
+    Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt;
+  I only wish they'd go back there
+    And leave me room to move about;
+
+  And leave some little house for me
+    In any shire, in any town,
+  Or, otherwise, myself must flee
+    And build a dug-out in a down;
+  If none may settle on the land,
+    Yet might one settle underground
+  (Provided people understand
+    They must not come and dig all round).
+
+  There will I dwell (alone) till death
+    And soothe my crowd-corroded soul;
+  And, when I breathe my latest breath,
+    Let no man move me from my hole;
+  Let but a little earth be cast,
+    And someone write above the tomb:
+  "_Here had the poet peace at last;
+    Here only had he elbow-room._"
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SWEET-SHOP.
+
+It was a mean street somewhere in the wilderness of Fulham. How I
+got there I don't exactly know; all that I am clear about is that I
+was trying, on insufficient data, to make a short cut. Twilight was
+falling, there was a slight drizzle of rain and I told myself that I
+had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London.
+
+Here and there, breaking the monotony of dark house-fronts, were
+little isolated shops, which gave a touch of colour to the drabness. I
+paused before one of them, through whose small and dim window a light
+shed a melancholy beam upon the pavement. Nothing seemed to be sold
+there, for the window was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing
+such labels as "peppermint rock," "pear drops" and "bull's-eyes."
+Apparently the shop had sold out.
+
+I was on the point of turning away when I noticed that someone was
+moving about inside, and presently an ancient dame began to take
+certain jars from the window and fill them with sweets from boxes on
+the counter. Evidently a new stock had just arrived. Then I remembered
+that sweets had been "freed."
+
+A little girl stopped beside me, stared through the window and
+then ran off at top speed. Within a couple of minutes half-a-dozen
+youngsters were peering into the shop, and a pair of them marched in,
+consulting earnestly as they went. The news spread; more children
+arrived. I distributed a largesse of pennies which gave me a
+popularity I have never achieved before. The street seemed to take on
+a different aspect. I almost liked it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD DOG.
+
+There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti getting to be an
+old dog, but he has already got there. He _is_ an old dog. Yet the
+change in the case of this beloved little Pekinese has been so gradual
+that until it was accomplished few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as
+it seemed, Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for
+frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the crown of
+the road and refused to stir from it though all the hooters of Europe
+endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day he is still a challenger of
+motor-cars; but he hurls his defiance with less assurance and has been
+seen to retire before the advance of a motor-bicycle.
+
+Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, let us hope
+with accuracy, a _cruda viridisque senectus_. Quite a short time ago
+his muzzle, like the rest of him, was as black as ebony. Now he wears
+a pair of thick white moustachios, which are comparable only with
+those worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE.
+
+In another way too our little dog gives proof that his years are
+advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the moment of the
+_promenade_; not that he intended thus to show any deference to the
+humans who were inviting him to take a walk, but that he thought it
+was a fine manly thing to do, and one that might bring about that
+fight of his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to which
+he looked forward as to one of his unachieved pleasures. He therefore
+fell not more than one hundred yards behind his accompanists, and when
+this was pointed out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up
+and rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he still barks
+a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at once to lag, and is
+found in an armchair when the party returns. It is vain to remind
+him that in the old days he was called the little black feather for
+the lightness of his gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce
+nor'-easter. Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were
+lavished upon him by his young mistress:--
+
+    "Attend to your duty,
+    My brave little Soo-ti,
+  There isn't much sun in the sky:
+    But we've sported together
+    In all kinds of weather,
+  My little black feather and I."
+
+It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and plain prose
+is equally ineffective when once he has made up his mind that he
+doesn't mean to move.
+
+One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly describe. He is
+always much agitated when his mistress packs her boxes to depart to an
+institution for higher education of which she is a member. While this
+is going forward, Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to
+couch in the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her
+room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, to
+leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, and to sink down
+with a sigh of satisfaction on what was once a very artistic bit of
+packing. I do not say that this trick is entirely due to old age.
+Nearly all dogs do it. Only there was on the last occasion a special
+anxiety, and a more than usual persistence and querulousness which
+seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back soon, so that
+we may meet again before my eyes grow dim and my ears lose their
+keenness."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In future all unmarried men and women having an income of $1,000
+    will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed unless
+    their income is over $1,500,000."--_Canadian Gazette_.
+
+The poor fellows must have some compensation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP.
+
+    ["C.K.S.," in _The Sphere_, describing his numerous visits to
+    GEORGE MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can
+    he claim to have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I
+    always make the test of intimate friendship when people call one
+    another by their Christian names."]
+
+  The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S."
+    Is intimacy's truest test; but "George,"
+  When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess)
+    Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge;
+  And to the end he never got beyond
+  The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond.
+
+  How sad to think this barrier was never
+    Demolished, broken down and swept away,
+  But still remained to sunder and to sever
+    Two of the choicest spirits of our day!
+  For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind,
+  On this one point showed an inclement mind.
+
+  The case was simplified in days of eld;
+    HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name,
+  And an Athenian bookman, if impelled
+    To visit him at Chios, when he came
+  Across the blind old poet and beach-comber,
+  Addressed him probably _tout court_ as HOMER.
+
+  PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim--
+    Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic;
+  And SHORTER could not have accosted him
+    By _sobriquets_ endearing or ecstatic;
+  It would have certainly provoked a scene,
+  For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean."
+
+  Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited
+    As an illustrious brother of the quill,
+  Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted
+    To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill,"
+  And in the small uproarious hours A.M.
+  Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"?
+
+  Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed;
+    Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain;
+  What might have been can never be revealed,
+    But one momentous fact at least is plain:
+  We know from an authoritative quarter
+  That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWOPENNY EGG.
+
+The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the twopenny egg."
+On making inquiries we learn that this phenomenon will be invisible
+at Greenwich, but may be viewed from the North of Scotland, a region
+happily less inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions
+have in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions differ as
+to the best point for observation, but it is probable that the island
+of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all
+    know that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all
+    icy suspicion."--_Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star"._
+
+It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he
+    met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged
+    to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot
+    belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp
+    instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet
+    completely healed."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great
+Bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOPED LION. A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE.
+
+True sportsmen will regret Mr. ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently
+in the House, when he said, "I have every expectation that the
+[telephone] service will improve."
+
+By "improve" he no doubt meant that when we ring up a number in future
+we shall simply get it; that people who want us will be able to get
+us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect.
+
+I only hope the improvement will be delayed until I get my own back. I
+have been playing rather a bad line lately, and only this morning lost
+a set by one game to two.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The operator won the first game before I could get into my stride.
+She rang me up three times in five minutes, and each time put me on
+to nobody. This was a very bad start, and I determined that I must
+at least give her a game. So the third time I held on, mechanically
+knocking the semi-circular ring arrangement up and down. There is
+always a chance that your signal may be working, and it annoys the
+operator. But she beat me by a swift stroke.
+
+"What number do you want?" she asked cynically. I said, "Well played,
+Sir--Madam!" Then she rubbed it in with a parting shot: "Sorry you
+have been terroubled," she said, and cut me off. Love--one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Hullo!" I said, when my bell rang the next time.
+
+"Put me through to Extension 8, please."
+
+The only thing to do with this sort of shot is to return it safely.
+
+"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one."
+
+"Haven't _what_?" he said.
+
+"Got one."
+
+"One what?"
+
+"Extension."
+
+Then he became annoyed and shouted, "Aren't you the War Office?"
+
+"No," I answered, "I am not the War Office."
+
+"Aren't you the War Off--"
+
+But I clapped on my receiver. In fact I clapped it on so violently
+that I thought I had silenced the thing for good and all.
+
+A series of tugging ineffective clicks on the part of my bell decided
+me to investigate. This move on my part was to win me the game.
+
+I took off my receiver and listened. No answer. I banged the rigging.
+No answer. I banged and thumped.
+
+"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, "I am attending to you as
+quickly as I can. What number do you want?"
+
+"Well," I explained, "as a matter of fact I don't want a number.
+I only wondered if my line was all right. Sorry you have been
+terroubled," and I cut her off. One--all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The third and last game started briskly. In the course of the first
+ten minutes I was rung up and asked if I was--
+
+1. The Timber Control.
+
+2. Mr. Awl or All.
+
+3. The Timber Control (again).
+
+4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my
+head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.")
+
+My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he,
+rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me.
+In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator,
+without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This
+must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the
+emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it
+is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that
+person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man,
+although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the
+Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded.
+
+She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the
+date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by
+and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I
+was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said
+she would have my line seen to.
+
+The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift
+stroke. My bell rang.
+
+"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have
+received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a
+man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon."
+
+This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches:
+of the Telephone Engineering Department.
+
+"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's
+sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off,
+there's a good fellow."
+
+"But I thought there was something wrong--"
+
+"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved
+better in its life. It's a positive joy to me."
+
+I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at
+all times. But I had lost the set.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION.
+
+_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?"
+
+_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is
+slate."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of
+    the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in
+    pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in
+    Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Personally we were not bidding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE,
+CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK."
+
+_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._
+"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL."
+
+_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM
+BEHIND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+When a story bears the attractive title of _The House of Courage_
+(DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of 1914 with a number of
+pleasantly prosperous people whose faith in the continuance of this
+prosperity is frequently emphasised ("as if they had a contract with
+God Almighty" is how an observant character phrases it); and when,
+in the first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans in
+a Soho restaurant--well, it requires no great guessing to tell what
+will happen before we are through with it. And, in fact, Mrs. VICTOR
+RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; though with this novelty,
+that the hero's experiences of service are almost entirely gained in a
+German prison-camp. As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the
+tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault that the
+earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting society in County
+Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than the scenes of boredom
+and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed as these are and almost
+over-realistic and convincing. Inevitably too the scheme is one of
+incident rather than character. One has never any very serious doubt
+that in the long run the hero, _Kennedy_, will marry the girl of his
+choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly unworthy
+_Harrington_. But as part of the long run was from Crefeld to the
+Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that you can imagine (and a few
+more, including an admirable thrill almost on the post), one is left
+with the comfortable feeling that the prize was well earned. You will
+rightly judge that most of _The House of Courage_ is rather more
+frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; but it
+remains an excellent yarn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When _Esmé Hillier_, possessed by _The Imp_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON),
+was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed the hero (to whom she
+had had no previous introduction) into the sea. I have some sympathy
+with her energetic protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the
+age of sixteen should know better than to row about in an open boat
+kissing a young lady. _Esmé_, a pained spectator, showed her public
+spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act she sealed her own
+fate, for after this it was inevitable that they should ultimately
+marry each other, the girl of the kissing episode notwithstanding. The
+immediate incentive to their union, which was by the Scotch method,
+was that _Esmé_ had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's
+person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and _Tourntourq_, the
+Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. Though married
+in haste they did not wait for leisure before they repented, but
+commenced quarrelling at once, until _Esmé_, in order to test his love
+and that of an admirer who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed"
+her hair and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this they
+separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, who was really
+quite a nice person, was killed, and _Tourntourq_, who was apparently
+a lunatic, though that is not stated in so many words, was blinded.
+It seems quite superfluous to add that _Tourntourq_ wins the V.C. and
+recovers both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there are such
+good patches in the book that I cannot help hoping that some day
+WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand (I feel it is _her_ hand) at another,
+which I shall really believe in all through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely unprolific. So I
+was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE WILSON FOX bravely keeping the
+old flag flying with a story bearing the gallant title, _Too Near the
+Throne_ (S.P.C.K.). I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly
+shrewd guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid,
+reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as pretext for an
+abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You can see that in practised
+hands (as here) and decorated with a pretty trimming of sentiment,
+abductions, witch-finding and other appropriate accessories,
+this furnishes a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought
+disappointed that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, and
+that, having started "too near the throne," the tale subsequently gave
+it so wide a berth. But this is no great fault. I can witness that
+Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one essential quality of the historical
+novelist in her appreciation of picturesque raiment. Almost indeed she
+emulates those jewelled paragraphs in which the creator of _Windsor
+Castle_ would fill half a chapter with a riot of sartorial
+coruscations. As a birthday present, say for an appreciative niece, I
+can think of few volumes whose welcome would be better assured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in _St. George and the Dragon_
+(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last St. George's
+Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future which he delivered up
+and down America from January to August of last year. Since then
+many things have happened. But nothing has happened that can make Mr.
+MASEFIELD other than proud of the part he has played in explaining and
+glorifying his country's cause and commending it to the hearts and
+minds of all good Americans. I confess that when I took up the book
+and read the first few lines I was afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had
+yielded to the temptation of delivering his speech in poetical prose
+of a faintly Biblical character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time
+I did not know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. I
+could fill a speech with thanks and praise--thanks for the kindness
+and welcome which have met me up and down this land wherever I have
+gone, and praise for the great national effort which I have seen in so
+many places and felt everywhere." Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned
+this manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid pedestrian
+style. But he did not disdain to go so far in flattery of the
+Americans, his audience, as to use the word "gotten" for the past
+tense of the verb "to get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There can be few Irishmen who look at their England with such
+affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. _Tales of War_ (FISHER UNWIN) is
+full of this sweet theme. The first of the tales is a fine story of
+the Daleswood men who, cut off from their supports and worried because
+there would be none left in their native village to carry on the
+Daleswood breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to surrender.
+But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood form, they (for their
+last hours, as they thought) fell to recalling the familiar beauties
+of their old home and to cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of
+their names for remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of
+the home memories, when, in another marooned party, the Sargeant that
+was keeper begins with a vision of sausages and mashed and goes on
+to the birds and beasts and flowers and soft noises of English woods
+at night. And in a half-dozen other sketches. And it is good to find
+an Irishman and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed
+tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing a great deal
+into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched in with a conscious
+art, should find a place on our shelves among the war records which
+our children are to read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+_War Profiteer_. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did _I_ know yer wanted
+a toy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the wife of President Wilson was in London she spent
+    hours shopping in Regent Street and other quaint sections of
+    London."--_Daily Gleaner_.
+
+Regent Street _will_ be pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving a loving cut from
+    Halifax citizens, described how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a
+    few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing
+    a single revolution of the propellers."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+One good cut deserves another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFLUENZA-MASK.
+
+  "Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle
+    And caused the _Wacht an Rhein_ to lose its job,
+  Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle
+    And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob--
+  Shall I allow each little grinning urchin
+    To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink
+  For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin?
+      No, no! I do _not_ think.
+
+  "My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting
+    And lay me under Balham's local curse;
+  There be--I know it--those in Upper Tooting
+    Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse;
+  But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket
+    Millions will bless me!--more I cannot ask;
+  So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it!
+      And, Jane, bring forth the mask!"
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***