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diff --git a/11094-h/11094-h.htm b/11094-h/11094-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..035c85f --- /dev/null +++ b/11094-h/11094-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2412 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919 +, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +March 12, 1919 +, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 12, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>The spread of influenza is said to be +greatly assisted by "germ-carriers." +We can't think why germs should be +carried. Let 'em walk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to <i>The Sunday Express</i> a +young American named Frisco states +that he invented the Jazz. There was +also a murder confession in the Press last week.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Whitehall," says a Society organ, +"has succumbed to the Jazz, the Fox-trot +and the Bunny-hug." It +still shows a decided preference, +however, for the Barnacle-cling.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man charged at the Guildhall with being drunk said he +was suffering from an attack of influenza and had taken +some whisky. Yes, but where from?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that the heading, "Whisky for Influenza," +which appeared in a daily paper the other day, +misled a great number of sufferers, who at once wrote +to say that they were prepared to make the exchange.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is good to know that a perfectly noiseless motor car +has been produced. Even that nasty grating sound experienced +by pedestrians when being run over by a car is said +to have been eliminated.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Shrove Tuesday passed almost unheeded. Even the +pancake thrown to the boys at Westminster School in the +presence of the KING and QUEEN appeared to fall flat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are glad to learn that the little +Kensington boy who was tossed by a +huge pancake on Shrove Tuesday is +stated to be going on nicely.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Five hundred and twenty-seven +pounds of American bacon have been +declared unfit for food by the Marylebone +magistrate. Why this invidious +distinction?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"A man," says Mr. Justice KUNKEL +of Pennsylvania, "has full rights in his +own home against everyone but his +wife." It is surmised that his Honour +never kept a cook.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are informed that the dispute +between the Ministry of Labour and +the Irish Clerical Workers' Union has +been settled by the latter name being +changed to the "Irish Clerical Employees' Union."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is said to favour +the creation of a new Order for deserving +Welshmen. The revival of the +Order of the Golden Fleece is suggested.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A writer in a ladies' journal refers to the present fashion of "satin-walnut +hair." We have felt for some time that mahogany had had its day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Charged at Hove with bigamy a soldier +stated that he remembered nothing +about his second marriage and pleaded +that he was absent-minded. A very +good plan is to tie a knot in your boot-lace +every time you get married.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A sorry blow has been dealt at those +who maintain we are not a commercial +race. "You gave me prussic acid in +mistake for quinine this morning," a +man told a chemist the other day. +"Is that so?" said the chemist; "then +you owe me another twopence."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>For the benefit of those about to +emigrate we have pleasure in furnishing +the exclusive information that very +shortly there will be big openings in +America for corkscrew-straighteners.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are now able to state that the +wedding of Princess PATRICIA and +Commander RAMSAY passed off without +a hymeneal ode from the POET LAUREATE.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that a lady operator +who was impudent to the District +Supervisor on the telephone the other +day would have been severely reprimanded +but for her plea that she +mistook him for a subscriber.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is reported that the paper shortage is soon to be remedied. In these days +of expensive boots this should be good news to people who +travel to and from the City by Tube on foot.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We hear privately that one +of our leading dailies has fixed +April 14th as the date on which +its office "correspondent" will +first hear the note of the cuckoo +in Epping Forest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Several suspicious cases of +sickness are reported among +the aborigines of New South +Wales. It is not yet known +whether they are due to influenza +or to the native custom +of partaking heavily of snakepie +on the eve of Lent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Nottingham will hold its +six hundred and fifty-eighth +annual Goose Fair this year, +and a local paper has made +a distinct hit by stating that +it is "the oldest gathering of +its kind except the House of Commons."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>President EBERT, according +to the <i>Frankfort Gazette</i>, is to +have a Chief Master of Ceremonies. +One of his first duties, +in which he will have the advice of +prominent musicians, will be to fix an +authorised style of eating <i>Sauerkraut</i> +which shall be impressive yet devoid +of ostentation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" src="images/193.png" alt="" /></a><p>[Taxi-drivers who consent to pick up fares at a certain London +restaurant at night have supper given to them by the management.]</p> + +<p><i>First Taxi</i>. "WHATEVER 'AVE YER GOT THEM TOGS ON FOR, ALBERT?"</p> + +<p><i>Second ditto</i>. "ALWAYS DRESS FOR SUPPER DOWN TOWN NOWADAYS, OLD BEAN."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A woman's sphere was her own home, that +she should earn her own living was inimical +to domestic happiness; it was almost contra +bonus morus, which is a very serious thing +indeed."—<i>Scots Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It certainly would be for Smith mi. if +he said it in class.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The speaker of the evening was Dr. Charles +——, a full-blooded Sioux Indian, and the +only full-blooded literary man among the +North American Indians."—<i>American Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We could spare some of our full-blooded, +literary men if there is a shortage in America.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + +<h2>MONUMENTS OF THE WAR.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Let those who fear lest Memory should mislay</p> +<p class="i2">Our triumphs gathered all across the map;</p> +<p>Lest other topics—like the weather, say,</p> +<p class="i2">Or jazzing—should supplant the recent scrap;</p> +<p>Or lest a future race whose careless lot</p> +<p class="i2">Lies in a League of Nations, lapped amid</p> +<p>Millennial balm, be unaware of what</p> +<p class="i2">(Largely for their sakes) we endured and did;—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Let such invite our architects to plan</p> +<p class="i2">Great monumental works in steel and stone,</p> +<p>Certain to catch the eye of any man</p> +<p class="i2">And make our victories generally known;</p> +<p>Let a new bridge at Charing Cross be built,</p> +<p class="i2">In Regent Street a deathless quadrant set,</p> +<p>And on them be inscribed in dazzling gilt:—</p> +<p class="i2">"IN CASE BY INADVERTENCE WE FORGET."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or, eloquent in ruin unrestored,</p> +<p class="i2">Leave the Cloth Hall to be the pilgrim's quest,</p> +<p>Baring her ravaged beauty to record</p> +<p class="i2">The Culture of the Bosch when at his best;</p> +<p>At Albert, even where it bit the ground,</p> +<p class="i2">Low let the Image lie and tell its fate,</p> +<p>Poignant memento, like our own renowned</p> +<p class="i2">ALBERT Memorial (close to Prince's Gate).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For me, the tablets of my heart, I ween,</p> +<p class="i2">Sufficiently recall these fateful years;</p> +<p>I need no monument for keeping green</p> +<p class="i2">All that I suffered in the Volunteers;</p> +<p>Therefore I urge the Army Council, at</p> +<p class="i2">Its earliest leisure, please—next week would do—</p> +<p>To raze the hutments opposite my flat,</p> +<p class="i2">That still impinge on my riparian view.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>O.S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PAIR OF MILITARY GLOVES.</h2> + +<p>It was in Italy, on my way home from Egypt to be +demobilised, that I decided to buy a pair of warm gloves +from Ordnance.</p> + +<p>After being directed by helpful other ranks to the A.S.C. +Depot, the Camp Commandant's Office and the Y.M.C.A., +I found myself, at the end of a morning's strenuous +walking, confronted by notices on a closed door stating +that this was the Officers' Payment Issue Department; that +this was the Officers' Entrance to the Officers' Payment +Issue Department; that smoking was strictly prohibited; +and that the office would re-open at 14.00.</p> + +<p>I went away to lunch.</p> + +<p>At 14.01 I knocked out my pipe conscientiously and +entered. From 14.01 to 14.50 I watched a Captain of the +R.A.F. smoking cigarettes and choosing a pair of socks, +and studied notices to the effect that this was the Officers' +Payment Issue Department; that only Officers were permitted +to enter the Officers' Payment Issue Department; +that smoking was strictly prohibited; and that the office +would close at 16.00.</p> + +<p>At last I heard the B.A.F. man explain that, by James, +he had an appointment at three, and would return, old +bean—er, Corporal—in the morning to see about those +dashed socks. The Corporal behind the counter blew away +a pile of cigarette ash and regarded me distrustfully.</p> + +<p>"Only one pair of gloves left, Sir," he said. "Gloves, +woollen, knitted, pairs one, one-and-tenpence."</p> + +<p>"Thank you very much," I said. "They'll do nicely. +I'll take them now."</p> + +<p>But of course I didn't. At 15.00 was in another building, +watching another Corporal make out an indent in quadruplicate +for gloves, woollen, knitted, officers, for the use of, +pairs one. At 15.05 I was in another building, getting the +indent stamped and countersigned. At 15.12 I was in +another building, exchanging it for a buff form in duplicate. +At 15.20 I re-entered the Issue Department and went +through the motions of taking up the gloves.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Sir," said the Corporal, skilfully sliding +them away; "you must first produce your Field Advance +Book as a proof of identity."</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid I haven't a proper Field Advance Book," I +explained. "You see, in Egypt, where I come from—that +is, I was attached, you know, to the—well, in short, I +haven't a proper Field Advance Book, as I said before. +But I have here an A.B. 64 issued in lieu thereof—they do +that in Egypt, you know—and I have my identity discs, +my demobilisation papers, my cheque-book—oh, and +heaps of other things which would prove to you that I am +really me. Besides, my name is sewn inside the back of +my tunic. <i>And</i> my shirt," I added hopefully.</p> + +<p>"If you haven't a Field Advance Book, Sir," said the +Corporal coldly, "your only course is to obtain a certificate +of identity from the Camp Commandant."</p> + +<p>"But, look here, Corporal," I protested, "it would take +me a quarter-of-an-hour to get to the Commandant's office +and another quarter to get back. I'm sure I couldn't get +a certificate of identity under an hour and a-half. It is +now twenty-five past three. You close at four. To-morrow +morning at five ac emma I entrain for Cherbourg.... You +see how impossible it all is, Corporal."</p> + +<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal. "I'm not allowed to +issue the gloves without your Field Advance Book or a +certificate of identity."</p> + +<p>"But what am I to do?" I asked weakly. "Think, +Corporal, how cold it will be across Italy and France without +gloves. I've been in the East for over four years, and +I might get pneumonia and die, you know."</p> + +<p>"I should try the Camp Commandant, Sir," he said. +"It may not take so long as you think."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>At 15.41 I was outside the Camp Commandant's office +with my A.B.64, identity discs, demobilisation papers and +cheque-book ready to hand, and my tunic loosened at the +neck.</p> + +<p>At 15.42 I entered the office with some diffidence.</p> + +<p>At 15.43 I was outside again, dazed and a little frightened, +with a certificate of identity in my hand. It was the fastest +piece of work I have ever known in the Army. And I might +have been Mr. GEORGE ROBEY in disguise for all they knew +in the office—or cared.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Sorry, Sir," said the Corporal in the Officers' Payment +Issue Department at 15.59, "the gloves were sold to +another officer while you were away."</p> + +<p>ONE OF THE <i>PUNCH</i> BRIGADE.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>On Half Rations.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"Two officers will be received as paying guests. Comfortable home. +Treated as <i>one</i> of the family."—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The italics emphasize our own feeling with regard to this +niggardly arrangement.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"V.A.D.—Required for Shell-shock Hospital under B.R.C.S., Piano, +Billiard Table and Gramophone. Will any hospital closing down and +having same for sale, kindly communicate with Secretary."—<i>Times</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We do not know what sort of work the V.A.D. is expected +to do under the piano and billiard table, but we presume +that her consent would be required, and that she would +not be sold, so to speak, over her own head.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" src="images/195.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE TURN OF THE TIDE.</h3>JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE YET, BUT I CERTAINLY DO +SEEM TO BE GETTING IT A LITTLE LESS IN THE NECK."</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" src="images/196.png" alt="" /></a><h3>SCENE.—<i>Amateur Theatrical Rehearsal</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Author</i>. "NOT SO MUCH 'GAGGING,' MY LAD. JUST SPEAK <i>MY</i> LINES, AND THEN WAIT FOR THE LAUGH."</p> + +<p><i>Tommy (on short leave)</i>. "WHAT! AND RISK C.B. FOR OVERSTAYING MY LEAVE?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ON THE RHINE.</h2> + +<h3>I.</h3> + +<p>"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, I am a bold and +infamous Hun, I am, I am."</p> + +<p>We are obliged to repeat this continually +to ourselves in order to present +the stern and forbidding air which is +supposed to mark our dealings with +the inhabitants. For, look you, we +have usurped the place of the Royal +Jocks on the "right flank of the British +Army," and are on outpost duty, +with our right resting on the bank of +the Rhine, while in front the notice-boards, +"Limit of Cologne Bridgehead," stare at us.</p> + +<p>No longer are we the pleasant, easy-going, +pay-through-the-nose people that +we were. No longer does our daily routine +include the smile for Mademoiselle, +the chipping of Madame, or the half-penny +for the little ones. No, we steel +ourselves steadily to the grim task entrusted +to us, and struggle to offer a +perfect picture of stolid indifference to +anybody's welfare but our own. "Fee-fi-fo-fum."</p> + +<p>What does Thomas think of it all? +Well, to tell the truth, I haven't caught +him thinking very much about it. +Gloating seems foreign to his nature +somehow, and I don't think he will +ever make a really good Hun. He is +rather like a child who for four years +has been crying incessantly for the +moon. Having got it, he says, "Well, +I'm glad I've got it; now let's get on +with something else," and takes not +the slightest interest in the silly old +moon he has acquired with so much trouble.</p> + +<p>There are two things to which he +cannot quite accustom himself: not +being allowed to fraternize with the +inhabitants and the realisation that his +laboriously acquired knowledge of the +French language is no longer of any +avail. He will never quite get over +the former of these two disabilities, but +he is coping courageously with the +latter. For instance, in place of the +"No bon" of yesterday, "Nix goot" +now explains that "Your saucepan I +borrowed has a hole in it; please, I +didn't do it." For the rest, change of +environment makes very little difference +to him. Given a cooker, a water-cart +and the necessary rations, a British +oasis will appear and be prepared to +flourish in any old desert you like.</p> + +<p>No, I am wrong. There is another +difficulty which as yet he has not been +able entirely to overcome. I cannot +describe the consternation which came +over the Company when I informed +them that there was no longer any +need to scrounge; in fact, I forbade it. +At first they thought it was just a +Company Commander's humour and +paid it the usual compliments of the +parade; but when they found I was +serious they were simply appalled. It +was as if I had taken the very spice +out of their existence. Not to be able +to go out and "win" a handful of fuel +for the evening's fug and for the brewing +of those unwholesome messes in the +tin canteen? Bolshevism itself could +not have propounded a more revolutionary +principle. Heartbroken some +of the old soldiers came to me afterwards. +"What are we to do, Sir?" +they said. "We only go on guard four +hours in sixteen; we must do something +the rest of the time." Sternly +I bade them think of scrounging as a +thing of the past—a thing of glorious +memory only to be spoken of round +the fires at home. If they wanted anything +in the meantime to add to their +material comfort they were to come to me for it.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + +<p>For let me tell you, all you demobilised +wallahs who know only those +countries where the necessities of life +were matters of private enterprise—let +me tell you that in this village, if I say +that I require coal, <i>coal is here</i>, and +with it the Bürgermeister inquiring +politely if my needs are satisfied. We +must have beds? The spare beds of +the village are forthcoming. If we +want baths for the men, our Mr. Carfax, +who speaks a language which the inhabitants +pretend to understand, goes +round to the householders and explains +the necessity. Should there be any +difficulty he explains further that it +would be <i>much</i> better, don't they think, +and <i>much</i> more convenient if the men +visited the houses, rather than that +baths should be carried to some central +place? It is invariably found to be +preferable for all concerned.</p> + +<p>Bathing has now become a pleasure +to all, except, perhaps, to Nijinsky, our +Pole from Commercial Road, East. On +being presented (for the first time, I +gather) to a first-class bathroom with +geyser complete, he evinced signs of +great uneasiness. In fact he seemed +to think that this was making a parade +of a purely private matter. The Sergeant-Major, +being called in, exhorted him to "get in and give the thing a +trial," at which Nijinsky flung up his +hands in characteristic fashion and +said, "Vell, it's somethink fur nothink, +anyhow," and they left him to it. The +rest of the story is concerned with his +turning off the water in the geyser and +leaving the gas on, of a loud explosion +and the figure of Nijinsky, fat and +frightened, fleeing through the main +street dressed in an Army towel. Subsequently +I heard him expressing +forcibly a fixed determination never, +<i>never</i> to be persuaded against his will again.</p> + +<p>Oh, yes, it is a wonderful thing to be +a Hun. Every day we go about telling +one another what Huns we are and +how we love our hunnishness. And +yet, you know, as a matter of fact, I +don't believe all our efforts amount to +anything really; they wouldn't deceive +a child—and in fact they don't. For +ever since we came here one can't help +noticing that the little tiny natives have +acquired an extraordinarily good imitation +of Tommy's salute, and, though +Subalterns and Sergeant-Majors may +go about gnashing their teeth and +wearing expressions of frightful ferocity, +still the youngsters grin fearlessly +as they raise their tiny fingers. They +know it isn't real. They know a Hun +when they see him all right; what child +doesn't?</p> + +<p>And I caught our Mr. Carfax picking +one of them up from the gutter the other +day and soothing its tears with the +baby-talk of all nations. I told him he +was fraternising abominably and was +not being a true Hun.</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "you can't leave a +child yelling in a puddle, can you?"</p> + +<p>And, damn it, you can't, so what's +the use of trying to be hunnish?</p> + +<p>L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" src="images/197.png" alt="" /></a><i>Restaurant Commissionaire (to departing client, who +is searching for a tip)</i>. "NOW THEN, SIR, HURRY UP; DON'T KEEP ME WAITING +HERE ALL NIGHT."</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3> + +<p>From a Parliamentary report:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Colonel Seely mentioned ... Major-General +Seely said ... General Seely, replying ..."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The canonical proceedings for the beatification +of Pope Pius IX. and Christopher +Columbus have been definitely abandoned. As +the result of a very close investigation, it was +decided that these two candidates lacked +certain necessary qualifications; Pius IX. +had signed death sentences and Christopher +Columbus was held responsible for massacres."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This news, we understand, has caused +a painful impression at Amerongen.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" +src="images/198.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Cook (allowing herself to be engaged)</i>. "ONE MORE QUESTION, M'LADY. CAN <i>YOU</i> COOK?"</p> + +<p><i>Her Ladyship</i>. "REALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT NEED MATTER."</p> + +<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH—DON'T IT? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE REAL MISTRESS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE.</h2> + +<p>In view of the prevalence of colds +and the varying counsels given to their +patients by our leading so-called healers, +a mass meeting of doctors and public +men was recently convened, with the +hope that some useful results might follow.</p> + +<p>None did.</p> + +<p>The Chairman in his opening remarks +said that colds were at once the +commonest complaints to which human +beings were subject and the least understood +by the faculty. It was scandalous +that so little serious attention +should be paid to them by physicians. +A scientific investigator should be as +proud of discovering a preventive for +colds as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. +But it was not so. Researchers +were applauded for compounding +new and more deadly explosives +and poisonous gas, while the +whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed. +The situation was scandalous. +(Loud sneezes.)</p> + +<p>Letters were read, among others, +from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN +and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that +from recent experience they could affirm +that an equable cold temperature was +conducive to the avoidance of catarrh. +In short, an excellent means of escaping +cold was to be out in the cold.</p> + +<p>A representative of the Board of +Trade said that all that was necessary +to avoid colds was to keep fit and not +approach infection. Having offered +this very practical advice the speaker +gathered up his papers and left the +room.</p> + +<p>Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, +urged that the best preventive +for colds was to keep warm. One should +wear plenty of thick clothing and especially +cover the neck and throat. A +respirator was an excellent thing. He +even went so far as to recommend earflaps +to his patients, with beneficial +results. A night-cap was also a great help.</p> + +<p>Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, +protested that colds were for the +most part negligible. People took them +much too seriously. The best treatment +was to be Spartan—wear the +lightest clothes, abjure mufflers, and, +whenever you could find a draught, +sit in it.</p> + +<p>Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this +cold-catching was nonsense. He personally +had never had a cold in his life. +And why? Because he lived healthily; +he wore natural wool, retained his +beard, ate no meat and drank no +wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, +shaved, devoured their fellow-creatures +and imbibed poisonous acids were bound +to catch cold. Resuming his Jaeger +halo, Mr. SHAW then left.</p> + +<p>Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, +stated that in his experience colds +were necessary evils which often served +useful ends in clearing the system. For +that reason he was against any treatment +that served to stop them. The +"instantaneous cold cures" which were +advertised so freely filled him with suspicion. +Colds should be unfettered.</p> + +<p>Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing +the Ancient Order of Haberdashers, +said that he was in entire agreement +with the last speaker. Colds should be +allowed to take their course. Nothing +was so bad as to check them.</p> + +<p>Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, +asserted that colds were far more +serious things than people thought. +As a matter of fact there was no such +thing as a cold pure and simple; colds +were invariably manifestations of other +and deeper trouble. His own specific +was a long period of complete rest and +careful but not meagre dieting, followed +by change of air, if necessary travel to +the South of France. (Loud coughs +and cheers.)</p> + +<p>Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> +Chemists and Druggists' Union, said +that it was felt very strongly that the +seriousness of colds should not be +minimised, but that foreign travel was +an error. No malady was so much +helped by the timely and constant employment +of remedies at home. He +trusted that the remarks of the last +speaker would speedily be contradicted +by a competent authority.</p> + +<p>Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, +held that alcohol was the greatest +provocative of colds; aspirin was their +greatest enemy.</p> + +<p>Sir Tablloyd George, the famous +physician, observed that a glass of hot +whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed +was a sovran remedy. Aspirin was to +be avoided, but quinine had its uses.</p> + +<p>Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably +no one knew more about the way +that other people should behave than +he did. He had written twelve manuals +on the subject and intended to +write twenty-six more, by which time +he would have covered the whole field +of human endeavour. Any one who +had read his book, <i>The Plain Man and +his Wife and their Plainer Children</i>, +would remember that one chapter was +devoted to the cause, evasion and cure +of colds. He would not at the moment +say more than that the work was procurable +at all bookshops. He should +like to address the meeting at fuller +length, but as he was suffering from a +very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed.</p> + +<p>Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he +always found that the best corrective +for a cold was to write another novel +of modern domestic life. He had even +heard of the perusal of some of his +novels as a substitute for coal.</p> + +<p>Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was +no prophylactic against colds so efficacious +as fresh air and plenty of it. +Since he had formed the habit of flying +backwards and forwards from Paris he +had been free from any trouble of that +kind. He recommended a seat at the +Peace Conference and constant aviation +to all sufferers.</p> + +<p>Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, +contended that there was no +sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms +should be hermetically sealed.</p> + +<p>Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given +the matter the closest attention, and +he had come to the conclusion that +there was no preventive of a cold in the +head so complete and drastic as decapitation.</p> + +<p>The meeting was considering Mr. +SMILLIE'S suggestion when our reporter, +who had contracted a chill +during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S remarks, +took his departure.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" src="images/199.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour party)</i>. +"I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T THEY?"</p> + +<p><i>Corporal</i>. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR—NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY USED TO."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Journalistic Enterprise.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE.</p> + +<p>"To-day is Pancake Day."—<i>Daily Mail</i>, March 4. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON.</p> + +<p>"All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, +and prices the maximum when possible."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>To judge by our own fishmonger, they always <i>are</i> possible.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>From the report of a prosecution for +selling eggs above the controlled price:</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. ——, for the defence, contended that +the lay mind could assume that new-laid eggs +laid by the vendor's fowls were not within the +scope of the Order."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>In a poultry case the opinion of the +"lay mind" should have been conclusive, +but the Bench decided otherwise.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"When is the State going to help mothers +with large families? If the cost of living has +increased 100 per cent., then for eight persons +the increase is 800 per cent.</p> + +<p>"How many mothers with eight in family +have received an increase of 800 per cent. in +their income since 1914?—W.W., London."—<i>Daily Sketch</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>"W.W., London," should not be +allowed to squander his gifts on the +daily Press. We want a statistician +like this to tot up the German indemnity.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<h3>LXXX.</h3> + +<p>My Dear Charles,—You are a lawyer +and you ought to know. Yet to +myself, when I compare my profits with +those of the Government in this deal, +I seem a model of innocence.</p> + +<p>Let me refresh your memory of the facts.</p> + +<p>In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing +passports to deserving cases +in the name of His Majesty's Government. +In the neutral country where +I was doing this there was a very wicked +and a very plausible man, whom we +will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so +many surnames at one time and another +that a new one cannot do him any +harm). Rate of exchange stood at the +figure of twenty local francs to the +pound sterling, and, as you would put +it, other things were equal.</p> + +<p>Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with +a desire to see England, entirely for +its own sake. England, also thinking +entirely of itself, was obsessed with +a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. +Mr. Abrahams came to my office, said +nice things about me to my face and +begged me to let him go. I said nice +things to him, and told him I would if +I could, but I couldn't. He took this to +mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. +He offered me cash down; a cheque +for five pounds sterling, or a note for +a hundred francs; I could have it which +way I liked. We should call it for appearance' +sake a gift to His Majesty's +Government for the better prosecution +of the War.</p> + +<p>I thanked him cordially on behalf +of His Majesty's Government, but regretted +that I was the victim of circumstances +over which I had no control. +Refusing to believe there could be any +circumstances which could stand up +against an officer of my power, position +and force, he produced a note for +a hundred francs and put it on my +table. He then withdrew, meaning +(I gathered) to return to the attack as +soon as the money had sunk in. From +this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears +from the story. It is not the first or +only story, as the police will tell you, +from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared.</p> + +<p>My report to His Majesty's Government +did not omit a full mention of the +matter of the five pounds or hundred +francs offered. It begged for instructions +as to the disposal of the booty +which, it stated, lay in my "Suspense" +basket. No instructions could be got, +though frequent messages, saying, "May +we now have an answer, please?" were +sent. Weeks passed, and every morning +I was tempted by the sight of that +note for a hundred francs lying in the +basket. My <i>moral</i> gradually declined. +So did the rate of exchange. So did +the barometer.</p> + +<p>There came a day, the weather being +such that any man who could sin would +sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque +made out for five pounds which I was +about to cash for lack of ready francs, +and when the rate of exchange had got +as low as nineteen francs to the pound, +which would mean (I rely entirely on +the evidence of the bank man) ninety-five +francs for my five pounds. Charles, +I fell. Explaining to myself that +Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated +that his gift to the Government was +alternatively a cheque for five pounds +or a note for a hundred francs, I put +my cheque into the "Suspense" basket +and pocketed the note, <i>thus making +five francs profit</i>.</p> + +<p>More weeks passed; no instructions +came, and every day I was tempted by +the sight of that cheque. One bright +summer morning, when any man who +had any goodness in him could not help +being good, and when the rate of exchange +had risen to twenty-one, I came +to my office full of noble intentions +and hundred franc notes of my own. +I may mention in passing that it takes +very little money to fill me up. I had +just cashed a cheque of my own at the +rate of a hundred-and-five francs to the +five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident +and ready to do it again. +There, on the top of my "Suspense" +basket, lay just the very cheque for the +purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining +to myself that Mr. Abrahams +had clearly intimated that his gift to +the Government was alternatively a +note for a hundred francs or a cheque +for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred +francs into the "Suspense" basket, +and pocketed the cheque, <i>thus making +another five francs profit</i>.</p> + +<p>That, my Lord, is the case for the +prosecution; but you may as well have +the rest of the story. Instructions or +no instructions, I thought it was now +time to send the note for a hundred +francs to the Government. The Government +said it had no use for francs +in England, sent back the note to me +and told me to buy, locally, an English +cheque, which I was to hold, pending +further instructions. It took some time +to arrive at this point, and meanwhile +rate of exchange had had a serious +relapse. The hundred franc note bought +a cheque for five guineas. Not feeling +strong enough to pend further instructions, +I at once sent this home. More +haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse +it. After another period the cheque +came back, with a memo. The memo +said: (1) His Majesty's Government +had no love or use for unendorsed +cheques drawn in favour of other people. +(2) His Majesty's Government +requested me to endorse the cheque, +cash it locally and put the proceeds to +the credit side of my expenses account. +(3) His Majesty's Government trusted +that Mr. Abrahams would not cause +this sort of trouble again.</p> + +<p>Whether it was the stimulus given +by this memo, or whether it was merely +a case of giving up the drink and becoming +a reformed character, rate of +exchange had, I found when I went to +carry out orders, risen to and stuck at +the dizzy height of twenty-three francs +and twenty centimes to the pound. +His Majesty's Government has drawn +in the long run (the very long run) the +sum of one hundred and twenty-one +francs and eighty centimes, thus making +more than twice as heavy a profit +as I had. And yet you have the impudence +to tell me that I am guilty of +embezzlement, with corruption.</p> + +<p>I can only say I should be ashamed +to be a lawyer.</p> + +<p>I can only add that I should be +happy to be His Majesty's Government.</p> + +<p>With all best wishes and enclosing +stamps for eighty centimes as representing +your share of the proceeds +(including fee for opinion),</p> + +<p>I remain,</p> + +<p>Yours sincerely, HENRY.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PIVOTS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Bermondsey Bill," who used to be</p> +<p>The idol of the N.S.C.,</p> +<p>Began to fight in 17—</p> +<p>P.T. instructor, very keen,</p> +<p>Teaching recruits to jab the faces</p> +<p>Of dummy Germans at the bases.</p> +<p>But Bill, I see, is booked to box</p> +<p>Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks,</p> +<p>And nobody should feel surprised</p> +<p>That Bill has been demobilised.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Although the War upset, I fear,</p> +<p>John Jones's pacifist career,</p> +<p>He did not murmur or repine,</p> +<p>But hurried to the nearest mine,</p> +<p>And stuck it till the "refugees"</p> +<p>Were all transplanted overseas.</p> +<p>In France he saw some dreadful scenes</p> +<p>As salesman in E.F. canteens;</p> +<p>But when the Bosch had been chastised</p> +<p><i>He</i> was at once demobilised.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A most diverting person, Brown—</p> +<p>The "star" comedian in Town,</p> +<p>And, since he donned a posh Sam B.,</p> +<p>O.C. Amusements, L. of C.</p> +<p>He steadfastly refused to whine</p> +<p>Because he never saw the Line,</p> +<p>But carried on, stout fellow, and</p> +<p>Is now at home, I understand.</p> +<p>A pivot so well-paid and prized</p> +<p>Just <i>had</i> to be demobilised.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" +src="images/201.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Officer (on leave)</i>. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?"</p> +<p><i>Veteran Volunteer Marksman</i>. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING. YOU SEE +THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OCCUPIED OPERA.</h2> + +<p>It was a chilly morning early in +January. The Opera at Cologne had +just become recognised as the principal +attraction of the place, and as yet there +was no suave interpreter in attendance +to mediate between the queue of representatives +of Britain's military power +and the German clerk in the box-office.</p> + +<p>I suppose that in some handsome +suite of apartments in one of the best +hotels in Cologne an exalted personage +with red trimmings spends his whole +time—office hours, of course—in devising +fresh schemes for the sale and distribution +of opera tickets to the British +troops. The demand for them is always +far in excess of the number reserved +for the military, and fresh schemes for +their distribution are inaugurated every week.</p> + +<p>We were still in the days when +officers and men of every rank and +every branch of the Army of Occupation +used to wait in a democratic queue +for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It +was 9.15 when I took up my position, +beaten a short neck by a very young +and haughty officer, a Second-Lieutenant +of the Blankshires. There is always +a cold wind round that corner of the +Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every +O.R. turned up his coat-collar, stamped +his feet and determined to stick it. +After all, from the time when he waits +his turn to receive his first suit of +khaki, every soldier is inured to standing +in queues, and when he has so often +stood half-an-hour in a queue for the +chance of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. +tea he will think nothing of standing +for an hour for a seat at the Opera. +For the officers no doubt the situation +had the attraction of novelty.</p> + +<p>By the time the office opened the +queue reached from the Opera House +steps nearly to the tramway <i>Haltestelle</i>, +and much speculation was going on as +to how many would be sent empty +away. Inch by inch we moved forward, +mounted the steps one by one, and came +within the relative warmth of the vestibule. +At last the weary waiting-time +was over; the young subaltern stepped +before the <i>guichet</i> and, pointing to a +handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified +voice a ticket for next Monday's performance +of "<i>KEINE VORSTELLUNG</i>!"</p> + +<p>How shall I describe the painful +scene that followed—a scene in which, +as a mere Tommy, I had too much +discipline to intervene? In vain the +obsequious purveyor of tickets offered +a selection of the world's most popular +and celebrated operas for any other day +but Monday. Nothing would do for my +officer but <i>Keine Vorstellung</i>. Indeed, +as he explained in his best and loudest +English, Monday was his only free +evening. <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he wanted +and <i>Keine Vorstellung</i> he must have. +Followed reiteration, expostulation, vituperation +in yet louder English than +before, and when at last he turned away +without his ticket he was still convinced +that the authority of the <i>Britische +Besatzung</i> had been outraged and defied +by the man behind the window.</p> + +<p>I often wonder what he said when +the precise meaning of those two mystic +words was revealed, to him. I like to +think that it may have happened at the +Requisition Office, whither he had gone +to procure an order to compel that recalcitrant +square-head to supply him +with the ticket so unwarrantably withheld.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; +small fairy."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" src="images/202.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception).</i> +"YOU DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT."</p> + +<p><i>Bride.</i> "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?"</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING +AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PTERO-DACTYLS.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Of the Pioneers of the Air.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Dædalus, once in the island of Crete,</p> +<p class="i2">Finding his host tried to limit his scenery,</p> +<p>Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet,</p> +<p class="i2">Went and invented some flying machinery;</p> +<p>Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks</p> +<p class="i2">Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any,</p> +<p>Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax,</p> +<p class="i2">Fitting another pair on to his progeny;</p> +<p>So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us,</p> +<p>First of air-pilots was old Father Dædalus.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail</p> +<p class="i2">(Science of old wasn't hard on her votary,</p> +<p>So little mention you find in the tale</p> +<p class="i2">Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary);</p> +<p>Silently skimming along in the air</p> +<p class="i2">Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer,</p> +<p>"Mind that your altitude's low, and beware</p> +<p class="i2">Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!"</p> +<p>Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it,</p> +<p>Flew in the face of his father and scouted it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun,</p> +<p class="i2">Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor;</p> +<p>Higher and higher he banked and he spun,</p> +<p class="i2">Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore.</p> +<p>"Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts?</p> +<p class="i2">Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty;</p> +<p>I'll find a method of stopping your stunts;</p> +<p class="i2">Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity."</p> +<p>Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em,</p> +<p>Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Down to the depths of the bottomless sea</p> +<p class="i2">Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity,</p> +<p>Leaving a name for the ages to be.</p> +<p class="i2">"Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity."</p> +<p>See from the sequel the fitness of things:</p> +<p class="i2">Nearly forgotten this early adventure is;</p> +<p>Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings</p> +<p class="i2">Still its revenge in the course of the centuries.</p> +<p>Over the sky, from the east to the west of it,</p> +<p>Man has decidedly now got the best of it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>R.A.F.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>To Psychical Mediums.</h3> + +<p>Extract from a tradesman's circular:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. ——, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite +shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your Spring +term requirements." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough +Council was so long that it was not read at all."—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our bureaucrats.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" src="images/203.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>THE FOCH-TERRIER.</h3> "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN ÆSOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, March 3rd</i>.—The terrors of +the Statute of Anne having been temporarily +removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN +headed a little <i>queue</i> of Ministers +coming up to take the Oath. How the +already crowded Treasury Bench is to +accommodate the new-comers it is +difficult to see, but presumably a system +of reliefs will be arranged.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-1.png" alt="" /></a> <h4>MR. McCALLUM SCOTT.</h4>"SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A DEMOBILISATION ON?"</div> + +<p>The present epidemic was discussed +by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN REES +who were not agreed as to whether +port is a "preventative" or a "preventive" +of influenza, but were unanimous +in thinking that far too little of +it was available.</p> + +<p>On bearing that the liability of agricultural +shows to the Entertainment +Tax depended on whether instruction +was combined with amusement, Colonel +WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to +decide where amusement ends and education +begins. Talking of education, +I shall in future, following Mr. H.A.L. +FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan +with a long "e," but, I hesitate, even +on the authority of the MINISTER OF +EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary."</p> + +<p>Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War +Minister he has developed a remarkable +likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily +the resemblance extends only to the +<i>rondeurs</i>, and not to the occasional +<i>longueurs</i>, of his predecessor. How +long his Lordship would have taken +to elucidate the present position and +future composition of the British +Army I cannot estimate, but it +would have been several hours. +Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the +World, from Siberia to the Rhine, +occupied a brief sixty minutes and +included some attractive speculations +on the kind of Army we +should need in the future. He +hopes, among other things, for +an improved General Staff, composed +of officers acquainted with +war in all its phases—land, sea +and air—who could give the +Cabinet expert advice on war as a +whole, and save it (we inferred) +from such hesitations as led to +the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli.</p> + +<p>"I thought we had given up +war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and +other Members twitted the Minister +with having left out of his +account the League of Nations. +But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, +while expressing the utmost respect +for the League, pointed out +that it was not yet in being, +and that meanwhile Britain must +continue to be a strong armed Power.</p> + +<p>A number of maiden speeches +were delivered during the evening. The +SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I +hope he was somewhere in the precincts +to hear the cheers which greeted +the initial effort—commendably brief +and to the point—of his son, Major +LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, March 4th</i>.—Lord SINHA +OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden speech +in a style which promises well for his +Parliamentary career. Accepting the +<i>dictum</i> of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness +is essential in Indian affairs, he +proceeded to act upon it by administering +a dignified rebuke to his lordship +for having suggested that one of the +periodical affrays between Mahomedans +and Hindoos was occasioned by the +MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS.</h4> THE DE VALERA GIRL.</div> + +<p>No fewer than forty-six questions +were addressed to the War Office. +But obviously this sort of thing cannot +go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE +cannot devote so much of his valuable +time to satisfying Parliamentary curiosity. +Accordingly he has appointed a +"Members' friend" to hear complaints +and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM +SCOTT has been rewarded for his consistent +admiration—did he not publish +a eulogy of "Winston Churchill in +Peace and War" when his hero's +fortunes were temporarily clouded?—and +on two days a week will have the +privilege of acting as lightning-conductor.</p> + +<p>The most intriguing detail in the +story of DE VALERA'S escape from +Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of +the guards by two sweet girl-graduates +from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. +SHORTT curtly stated—with a twinkle +in his eye—that the sentries disclaimed +all knowledge of the ladies. Still, is +this conclusive?</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, March 5th</i>.—The friends +of the new LORD CHANCELLOR were becoming +anxious lest his natural gaiety +should be permanently suppressed +by the necessity of keeping up +the dignity of the Woolsack. +They need be under no further +apprehensions. A motion in +favour of Home Rule All Round, +introduced by Lord BRASSEY and +supported by Lord SELBORNE, +furnished him with his chance. +Metaphorically flinging his full-bottomed +wig on to the floor he +skipped into the arena, executed +a war-dance around his amazed +victims, and, before they knew +where they were, got their heads +into Chancery and knocked them +together until they were compelled +to give in. Talk of the +congestion of Parliament! Why, +now that party spirit was in abeyance, +Bills went through with +incredible rapidity. As for the +supposed ambitions of the "little +nations," what, he asked, did +Scotsmen and Welshmen care +about subordinate Parliaments +when they were governing the +whole Empire? If the advocates +of the proposal really believed +in it let them go out as missionaries +into the wilderness, and, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> +if they escaped the proverbial fate of missionaries, +convert the heathen voters to +their creed. Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, +his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated +that "a time would come," and +meanwhile withdrew his motion.</p> + +<p>At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly +denied a newspaper rumour +from Paris that the British delegates +had decided not to demand any money-indemnity +from Germany, but took +occasion later on to discount somewhat +freely the election-promises made on +this subject by himself and other Ministers. +It would be better, he implied, +to accept a composition than to put +the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. +This is common sense, no doubt, always +provided that the Hun does not misinterpret +his reprieve, and, instead of +laying golden eggs for our benefit, resume +the practice of the goose-step.</p> + +<p>On the Civil Service Estimates, +swollen to five times their pre-war +magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an +earnest appeal for economy. If every +man would ask himself, "What can I +do for the State?" instead of "What +can I get out of it?" we might yet +emerge safely from our financial straits. +The House, as usual, cheered this fine +sentiment to the echo, and, to show +how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. +ADAMSON, the Labour leader, immediately +pressed for an increase in the +salaries of Members of Parliament.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, March 6th</i>.—The CHIEF +SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that +the Government had decided to release +such of the Sinn Fein prisoners as had +not already saved them the trouble.</p> + +<p>History does not always repeat itself. +The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD enhanced +his fame by a faithful reproduction of +the Portland Vase. JOSIAH the Second, +essaying a fancy portrait of the present +Duke of PORTLAND (in his capacity of +a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the +likeness, and this afternoon handsomely +withdrew it from circulation.</p> + +<p>The Second Reading of the new Military +Service Bill brought a storm of +accusations against the Government +for having broken its election-pledges. +Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his +colleagues gone to the country on a cry +of "No Conscription"? The Member +for Derby was particularly emphatic in +his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL +effectively countered him by quoting +Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of the +pledges in question as meaning "Militarism +and Conscription."</p> + +<p>A little rift within the Coalition lute +was revealed when Mr. SHAW remarked +that some people seemed to want "to +make this country a fit place for casuists +to live in;" but the House as a whole +took the view that without an assured +peace it would be no place for any one, +and passed the Second Reading by an +overwhelming majority.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" src="images/206.png" alt="" /></a> <i>Conductor</i>. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SENTINELS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p> +<p class="i2">All through the night</p> +<p>There are Fairy Sentinels</p> +<p class="i2">Watching till it's light;</p> +<p>If they ever went to sleep</p> +<p class="i2">The Big Clock would tell;</p> +<p>But, Left-Right! Left-Right!</p> +<p class="i2">They know their duty well;</p> +<p>I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear,</p> +<p>The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Up and down the nurs'ry stair</p> +<p class="i2">All through the day</p> +<p>There the Fairy Sentinels</p> +<p class="i2">Sleep the time away;</p> +<p>If you were to wake them up,</p> +<p class="i2">Think how tired they'd be,</p> +<p>So Tip-toe! Tip-toe!</p> +<p class="i2">Go upstairs quietly.</p> +<p>Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair—</p> +<p>The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" src="images/207.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>She</i>. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP."</p> + +<p><i>He</i>. "VERY LIKELY. HE TALKS IN MINE."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SPACE PROBLEM.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The sad queues shiver in the drains</p> +<p class="i2">And do not get upon the bus;</p> +<p>Men battle round successive trains,</p> +<p class="i2">And each is yet more populous;</p> +<p>Twelve times a week I pay the fare,</p> +<p class="i2">But know not when I last sat down;</p> +<p>It almost looks as if there were</p> +<p class="i2">Too many people in the town.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I know not where they all may dwell;</p> +<p class="i2">I know my lease is up in May;</p> +<p>I know I said, "Oh, very well,</p> +<p class="i2">I'll take a house down Dorking way;"</p> +<p>I scoured the spacious countryside,</p> +<p class="i2">I found no residence to spare,</p> +<p>And it is not to be denied</p> +<p class="i2">There are too many people there.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They say the birth-rate's sadly low;</p> +<p class="i2">They say the death-rate tends to soar;</p> +<p>So how we manage I don't know</p> +<p class="i2">To go on growing more and more;</p> +<p>Let statistology prefer</p> +<p class="i2">To think the race is nice and small,</p> +<p>But how do all these crowds occur,</p> +<p class="i2">And who the dickens are they all?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Where do they come from? Where on earth</p> +<p class="i2">In olden days did they reside,</p> +<p>When there was really lots of birth</p> +<p class="i2">And hardly anybody died?</p> +<p>Where had this multitude its lair?</p> +<p class="i2">Some pleasant spot, I make no doubt;</p> +<p>I only wish they'd go back there</p> +<p class="i2">And leave me room to move about;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And leave some little house for me</p> +<p class="i2">In any shire, in any town,</p> +<p>Or, otherwise, myself must flee</p> +<p class="i2">And build a dug-out in a down;</p> +<p>If none may settle on the land,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet might one settle underground</p> +<p>(Provided people understand</p> +<p class="i2">They must not come and dig all round).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There will I dwell (alone) till death</p> +<p class="i2">And soothe my crowd-corroded soul;</p> +<p>And, when I breathe my latest breath,</p> +<p class="i2">Let no man move me from my hole;</p> +<p>Let but a little earth be cast,</p> +<p class="i2">And someone write above the tomb:</p> +<p>"<i>Here had the poet peace at last;</i></p> +<p class="i2">Here only had he elbow-room."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SWEET-SHOP.</h2> + +<p>It was a mean street somewhere in +the wilderness of Fulham. How I got +there I don't exactly know; all that I +am clear about is that I was trying, on +insufficient data, to make a short cut. +Twilight was falling, there was a slight +drizzle of rain and I told myself that I +had stumbled on the drabbest bit of all London.</p> + +<p>Here and there, breaking the monotony +of dark house-fronts, were little +isolated shops, which gave a touch of +colour to the drabness. I paused before +one of them, through whose small and +dim window a light shed a melancholy +beam upon the pavement. Nothing +seemed to be sold there, for the window +was occupied by empty glass jars, bearing +such labels as "peppermint rock," +"pear drops" and "bull's-eyes." Apparently +the shop had sold out.</p> + +<p>I was on the point of turning away +when I noticed that someone was +moving about inside, and presently an +ancient dame began to take certain jars +from the window and fill them with +sweets from boxes on the counter. Evidently +a new stock had just arrived. +Then I remembered that sweets had +been "freed."</p> + +<p>A little girl stopped beside me, stared +through the window and then ran off at +top speed. Within a couple of minutes +half-a-dozen youngsters were peering +into the shop, and a pair of them +marched in, consulting earnestly as +they went. The news spread; more +children arrived. I distributed a largesse +of pennies which gave me a popularity +I have never achieved before. +The street seemed to take on a different +aspect. I almost liked it.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + +<h2>AN OLD DOG.</h2> + +<p>There can be no doubt about it. Not merely is Soo-ti +getting to be an old dog, but he has already got there. He +<i>is</i> an old dog. Yet the change in the case of this beloved +little Pekinese has been so gradual that until it was accomplished +few of us noticed it. Yesterday, as it seemed, +Soo-ti was a young dog, capable of holding his own for +frolics and spirits with any Pekinese that ever owned the +crown of the road and refused to stir from it though all the +hooters of Europe endeavoured to blast him off it. To-day +he is still a challenger of motor-cars; but he hurls his +defiance with less assurance and has been seen to retire +before the advance of a motor-bicycle.</p> + +<p>Moreover, there are other signs of what his master calls, +let us hope with accuracy, a <i>cruda viridisque senectus</i>. +Quite a short time ago his muzzle, like the rest of him, +was as black as ebony. Now he wears a pair of thick +white moustachios, which are comparable only with those +worn by that great chieftain, Monsieur le Maréchal JOFFRE.</p> + +<p>In another way too our little dog gives proof that his +years are advancing. He used to welcome ecstatically the +moment of the <i>promenade</i>; not that he intended thus to +show any deference to the humans who were inviting him +to take a walk, but that he thought it was a fine manly +thing to do, and one that might bring about that fight of +his against a neighbouring and detested deer-hound to +which he looked forward as to one of his unachieved +pleasures. He therefore fell not more than one hundred +yards behind his accompanists, and when this was pointed +out to him made a very creditable effort to hurry up and +rejoin. Now, however, when taken for a duty-walk, he +still barks a little at the outset, but thereafter begins at +once to lag, and is found in an armchair when the party +returns. It is vain to remind him that in the old days he +was called the little black feather for the lightness of his +gait when puffed along by the gusts of a fierce nor'-easter. +Here is one of the complimentary stanzas that were +lavished upon him by his young mistress:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Attend to your duty,</p> +<p class="i2">My brave little Soo-ti,</p> +<p>There isn't much sun in the sky:</p> +<p class="i2">But we've sported together</p> +<p class="i2">In all kinds of weather,</p> +<p>My little black feather and I."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>It would be quite useless to lure him out with verse, and +plain prose is equally ineffective when once he has made +up his mind that he doesn't mean to move.</p> + +<p>One more sign of old age there is, which I may briefly +describe. He is always much agitated when his mistress +packs her boxes to depart to an institution for higher education +of which she is a member. While this is going forward, +Soo-ti will not stir from her room except it be to couch in +the passage outside. Thence he re-transfers himself to her +room, and has been known, when the chief box is full of garments, +to leap into it, to pad round in a circle three times, +and to sink down with a sigh of satisfaction on what was +once a very artistic bit of packing. I do not say that this +trick is entirely due to old age. Nearly all dogs do it. +Only there was on the last occasion a special anxiety, and +a more than usual persistence and querulousness which +seemed to say, "Don't go too far away, and come back +soon, so that we may meet again before my eyes grow dim +and my ears lose their keenness."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"In future all unmarried men and women having an income of +$1,000 will be taxed by the city. Married men will not be taxed +unless their income is over $1,500,000."—<i>Canadian Gazette</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The poor fellows must have some compensation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP.</h2> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["C.K.S.," in <i>The Sphere</i>, describing his numerous visits to GEORGE +MEREDITH at Box Hill, tells us that in no real sense can he claim to +have been an intimate friend; "but then," he adds, "I always make +the test of intimate friendship when people call one another by their +Christian names."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The use of Christian names, says "C.K.S."</p> +<p class="i2">Is intimacy's truest test; but "George,"</p> +<p>When he was down at Dorking, (as you guess)</p> +<p class="i2">Stuck quite inextricably in his gorge;</p> +<p>And to the end he never got beyond</p> +<p>The Mister, though a faithful friend and fond.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>How sad to think this barrier was never</p> +<p class="i2">Demolished, broken down and swept away,</p> +<p>But still remained to sunder and to sever</p> +<p class="i2">Two of the choicest spirits of our day!</p> +<p>For MEREDITH, though radiant, genial, kind,</p> +<p>On this one point showed an inclement mind.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The case was simplified in days of eld;</p> +<p class="i2">HOMER, for instance, had no Christian name,</p> +<p>And an Athenian bookman, if impelled</p> +<p class="i2">To visit him at Chios, when he came</p> +<p>Across the blind old poet and beach-comber,</p> +<p>Addressed him probably <i>tout court</i> as HOMER.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>PYTHAGORAS was never Jack or Jim—</p> +<p class="i2">Names all unknown in ages pre-Socratic;</p> +<p>And SHORTER could not have accosted him</p> +<p class="i2">By <i>sobriquets</i> endearing or ecstatic;</p> +<p>It would have certainly provoked a scene,</p> +<p>For instance, to have hailed him as "Old bean."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then at the "Mermaid," had he been invited</p> +<p class="i2">As an illustrious brother of the quill,</p> +<p>Would "C.K.S.," I wonder, have delighted</p> +<p class="i2">To honour WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE as "Old Bill,"</p> +<p>And in the small uproarious hours A.M.</p> +<p>Have been in turn acclaimed as "Bully CLEM"?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Perchance; who knows? The mystery is sealed;</p> +<p class="i2">Hypothesis, though plausible, is vain;</p> +<p>What might have been can never be revealed,</p> +<p class="i2">But one momentous fact at least is plain:</p> +<p>We know from an authoritative quarter</p> +<p>That MEREDITH was never "George" to SHORTER.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Twopenny Egg.</h3> + +<p>The daily press informs us that we are "in sight of the +twopenny egg." On making inquiries we learn that this +phenomenon will be invisible at Greenwich, but may be +viewed from the North of Scotland, a region happily less +inaccessible than many to which scientific expeditions have +in the past been made. At the time of writing opinions +differ as to the best point for observation, but it is probable +that the island of Foula, in the Shetland group, will be chosen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Masters and men are visibly strained by the crisis. They all know +that they are sitting on a volcano. The prelude is all icy suspicion."—<i>Mr. +JAMES DOUGLAS in "The Star".</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It won't be the volcano's fault if the ice doesn't get melted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The complainant was ascending the staircase of the club when he +met the defendant, who, speaking of Lemberg, said Lemberg belonged +to Russia. Complainant replied: 'No, it is in Poland; it cannot +belong to Russia,' when the defendant struck him with some sharp +instrument on the top of the head, and the stars had not yet completely +healed."—<i>Evening Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The constellation referred to must, we think, have been the Great Bear.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/209.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE DOPED LION.</h3>A STORY OF ANCIENT ROME.</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + +<h2>THE GAME OF THE TELEPHONE.</h2> + +<p>True sportsmen will regret Mr. +ILLINGWORTH'S statement, made recently +in the House, when he said, +"I have every expectation that the +[telephone] service will improve."</p> + +<p>By "improve" he no doubt meant +that when we ring up a number in +future we shall simply get it; that +people who want us will be able to get +us, and so on. It is a dismal prospect.</p> + +<p>I only hope the improvement +will be delayed until I +get my own back. I have +been playing rather a bad +line lately, and only this +morning lost a set by one game to two.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The operator won the first +game before I could get into +my stride. She rang me up +three times in five minutes, +and each time put me on to +nobody. This was a very +bad start, and I determined +that I must at least give +her a game. So the third +time I held on, mechanically +knocking the semi-circular +ring arrangement up and +down. There is always a +chance that your signal may +be working, and it annoys +the operator. But she beat +me by a swift stroke.</p> + +<p>"What number do you +want?" she asked cynically. +I said, "Well played, Sir—Madam!" +Then she rubbed +it in with a parting shot: +"Sorry you have been +terroubled," she said, and +cut me off. Love—one.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Hullo!" I said, when +my bell rang the next time.</p> + +<p>"Put me through to Extension +8, please."</p> + +<p>The only thing to do with +this sort of shot is to return +it safely.</p> + +<p>"Sorry, old chap," I said, "I haven't got one."</p> + +<p>"Haven't <i>what</i>?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Got one."</p> + +<p>"One what?"</p> + +<p>"Extension."</p> + +<p>Then he became annoyed and shouted, +"Aren't you the War Office?"</p> + +<p>"No," I answered, "I am not the +War Office."</p> + +<p>"Aren't you the War Off—"</p> + +<p>But I clapped on my receiver. In +fact I clapped it on so violently that I +thought I had silenced the thing for +good and all.</p> + +<p>A series of tugging ineffective clicks +on the part of my bell decided me to +investigate. This move on my part +was to win me the game.</p> + +<p>I took off my receiver and listened. +No answer. I banged the rigging. No +answer. I banged and thumped.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," she said rather peevishly, +"I am attending to you as quickly as I +can. What number do you want?"</p> + +<p>"Well," I explained, "as a matter of +fact I don't want a number. I only +wondered if my line was all right. +Sorry you have been terroubled," and I +cut her off. One—all.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The third and last game started +briskly. In the course of the first ten +minutes I was rung up and asked if I was—</p> + +<p>1. The Timber Control.</p> + +<p>2. Mr. Awl or All.</p> + +<p>3. The Timber Control (again).</p> + +<p>4. The London Diocesan Church +Schools. (At this point I rather lost +my head and answered, "D—— the +London Diocesan Church Schools.")</p> + +<p>My impiety offended the Bishop (I +assume it was a Bishop), and he, rather +unfairly, must have incited the gods to +take sides against me. In a lucid interval, +while I was doing a call of my own, +the operator, without giving me any +warning, switched me on to the supervisor. +This must have been an inspiration +from Olympus. However I was +equal to the emergency; nay, took advantage +of it. Experience has taught +me that it is always best to talk to the +person you get, whether you want that +person or not. So I explained to the +supervisor that I was a busy man, +although the rumour which +ascribed to my shoulders +the War Office, the Timber +Control and the L.D.C.S. +was, at the moment, unfounded.</p> + +<p>She played up magnificently; +took my number, +my name, my address, the +date, the time of the day, +how many times I had been +rung up, whom by and +when, and was going to ask +me the date of my birth and +whether I was married or +single, when I protested. +Then she calmed down and +said she would have my +line seen to.</p> + +<p>The game seemed to be +going well; but again I was +beaten by a swift stroke. +My bell rang.</p> + +<p>"Telephone Engineering +Department speaking," it +said. "We have received a +report that your line is out +of order. We are sending +a man and hope he will +finish the job before luncheon."</p> + +<p>This was the end, as anyone +knows who has ever +got into the clutches: of +the Telephone Engineering +Department.</p> + +<p>"Please," I said (my +spirit was quite broken)—"please, +for God's sake, +don't send a man. Not this +morning at any rate. Put it off, there's +a good fellow."</p> + +<p>"But I thought there was something wrong—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous +mistake. My line never behaved better +in its life. It's a positive joy to me."</p> + +<p>I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority +that all truth cannot be told at all +times. But I had lost the set.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" src="images/210.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION.</h3> + +<p><i>Mother</i>. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?"</p> + +<p><i>Daughter</i>. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf +'is slate."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +"On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ——, on +the instructions of the executors of the late +Mr. ——, are selling by auction in pneumonia +and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages +situate in Chapel Street."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>Personally we were not bidding.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" src="images/211.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace).</i> "HERE, CABBY—LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK."</p> + +<p><i>Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case).</i> "IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL."</p> + +<p><i>S.O.</i> "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM BEHIND."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>When a story bears the attractive title of <i>The House of +Courage</i> (DUCKWORTH); when it begins in the Spring of +1914 with a number of pleasantly prosperous people whose +faith in the continuance of this prosperity is frequently +emphasised ("as if they had a contract with God Almighty" +is how an observant character phrases it); and when, in the +first chapter, the hero has an encounter with two Germans +in a Soho restaurant—well, it requires no great guessing to +tell what will happen before we are through with it. And, +in fact, Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD'S latest is yet another war-story; +though with this novelty, that the hero's experiences +of service are almost entirely gained in a German prison-camp. +As perhaps I need not say, both divisions of the +tale are admirably written. It is hardly the author's fault +that the earlier half, with its pictures of a genial hunting +society in County Cork, is distinctly more entertaining than +the scenes of boredom and brutality at Crefeld, well-conveyed +as these are and almost over-realistic and convincing. +Inevitably too the scheme is one of incident rather than +character. One has never any very serious doubt that in +the long run the hero, <i>Kennedy</i>, will marry the girl of his +choice, despite the fact of her engagement to the clearly +unworthy <i>Harrington</i>. But as part of the long run was +from Crefeld to the Dutch frontier, over every obstacle that +you can imagine (and a few more, including an admirable +thrill almost on the post), one is left with the comfortable +feeling that the prize was well earned. You will rightly +judge that most of <i>The House of Courage</i> is rather more +frankly sensational than Mrs. RICKARD'S previous war-work; +but it remains an excellent yarn.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>When <i>Esmé Hillier</i>, possessed by <i>The Imp</i> (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), was only ten, in a fit of annoyance she pushed +the hero (to whom she had had no previous introduction) +into the sea. I have some sympathy with her energetic +protest, for a Highland Chieftain even at the age of sixteen +should know better than to row about in an open boat +kissing a young lady. <i>Esmé</i>, a pained spectator, showed +her public spirit by punishing his bad form, but in the act +she sealed her own fate, for after this it was inevitable that +they should ultimately marry each other, the girl of the +kissing episode notwithstanding. The immediate incentive +to their union, which was by the Scotch method, was that +<i>Esmé</i> had applied mustard-plasters to a Cabinet Minister's +person by affixing them to his dress-suit, and <i>Tourntourq</i>, +the Chieftain, had nobly attempted to bear the blame. +Though married in haste they did not wait for leisure +before they repented, but commenced quarrelling at once, +until <i>Esmé</i>, in order to test his love and that of an admirer +who was helping to complicate matters, "bobbed" her hair +and threw the severed tresses at her husband. After this +they separated. Presently the War came, and the admirer, +who was really quite a nice person, was killed, and <i>Tourntourq</i>, +who was apparently a lunatic, though that is not +stated in so many words, was blinded. It seems quite +superfluous to add that <i>Tourntourq</i> wins the V.C. and recovers +both sight and wife in the last chapter; but there +are such good patches in the book that I cannot help +hoping that some day WILSON MACNAIR will try her hand +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span> +(I feel it is <i>her</i> hand) at another, which I shall really +believe in all through.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Of late our costume-romancers have become strangely +unprolific. So I was the more pleased to find Mrs. ALICE +WILSON FOX bravely keeping the old flag flying with a story +bearing the gallant title, <i>Too Near the Throne</i> (S.P.C.K.). +I daresay its name may enable you to give a fairly shrewd +guess at its plot. This is an agreeable affair of a maid, +reputed Catholic heir to the English Crown, and used as +pretext for an abortive rising against KING JAMES I. You +can see that in practised hands (as here) and decorated +with a pretty trimming of sentiment, abductions, witch-finding +and other appropriate accessories, this furnishes +a theme rich in romance. Perhaps I was a thought disappointed +that more was not made of the actual conspiracy, +and that, having started "too near the throne," the tale +subsequently gave it so wide a berth. But this is no great +fault. I can witness that Mrs. WILSON FOX has at least one +essential quality of +the historical novelist +in her appreciation +of picturesque +raiment. Almost indeed +she emulates +those jewelled paragraphs +in which the +creator of <i>Windsor +Castle</i> would fill half +a chapter with a riot +of sartorial coruscations. +As a birthday +present, say for an +appreciative niece, I +can think of few +volumes whose welcome +would be better +assured.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD has brought together in <i>St. George +and the Dragon</i> +(HEINEMANN) a speech "given" by him in New York on last +St. George's Day, and a lecture on The War and the Future +which he delivered up and down America from January to +August of last year. Since then many things have happened. +But nothing has happened that can make Mr. MASEFIELD +other than proud of the part he has played in explaining +and glorifying his country's cause and commending it to +the hearts and minds of all good Americans. I confess that +when I took up the book and read the first few lines I was +afraid that Mr. MASEFIELD had yielded to the temptation +of delivering his speech in poetical prose of a faintly Biblical +character, as thus: "Friends, for a long time I did not +know what to say to you in this my second speaking here. +I could fill a speech with thanks and praise—thanks for the +kindness and welcome which have met me up and down this +land wherever I have gone, and praise for the great national +effort which I have seen in so many places and felt everywhere." +Mr. MASEFIELD however soon abandoned this +manner and made the rest of his way in a good solid +pedestrian style. But he did not disdain to go so far in +flattery of the Americans, his audience, as to use the word +"gotten" for the past tense of the verb "to get."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There can be few Irishmen who look at their England +with such affectionate eyes as Lord DUNSANY. <i>Tales of +War</i> (FISHER UNWIN) is full of this sweet theme. The first +of the tales is a fine story of the Daleswood men who, cut +off from their supports and worried because there would +be none left in their native village to carry on the Daleswood +breed, were for sending out their youngest boy to +surrender. But, deciding that that wasn't good Daleswood +form, they (for their last hours, as they thought) fell to +recalling the familiar beauties of their old home and to +cutting in the Picardy chalk the roll of their names for +remembrance. You get it again, that calling-up of the +home memories, when, in another marooned party, the +Sargeant that was keeper begins with a vision of sausages +and mashed and goes on to the birds and beasts and flowers +and soft noises of English woods at night. And in a half-dozen +other sketches. And it is good to find an Irishman +and a poet to say things which stick on our embarrassed +tongues. Lord DUNSANY has a happy trick of compressing +a great deal into a little space, and his vignettes, sketched +in with a conscious art, should find a place on our shelves +among the war records which our children are to read.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/212.png"><img width="100%" src="images/212.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</h3><i>War Profiteer</i>. "Stow that row, 'Orace. 'Ow did <i>I</i> know yer wanted a toy?"</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +"When the wife of President Wilson was +in London she spent hours shopping in Regent +Street and other quaint sections of London."—<i>Daily Gleaner</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>Regent Street <i>will</i> be pleased.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +"Captain Hayes, of the Olympic, in receiving +a loving cut from Halifax citizens, described +how the Olympic sank the U-boat 103, a +few months ago. The liner cut through the submarine without losing +a single revolution of the propellers."—<i>Australian Paper</i>. +</blockquote> + +<p>One good cut deserves another.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>THE INFLUENZA-MASK.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Shall I," he cried, "who made the Hun skedaddle</p> +<p class="i2">And caused the <i>Wacht an Rhein</i> to lose its job,</p> +<p>Taught Johnny Turk the use of boot and saddle</p> +<p class="i2">And fetched out FERDINANDO for a blob—</p> +<p>Shall I allow each little grinning urchin</p> +<p class="i2">To move me from my purpose? Shall I shrink</p> +<p>For fear of idle Rumour wagging her chin?</p> +<p class="i4">No, no! I do <i>not</i> think.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"My high emprise may set the suburbs hooting</p> +<p class="i2">And lay me under Balham's local curse;</p> +<p>There be—I know it—those in Upper Tooting</p> +<p class="i2">Would lynch the prophet and insult his hearse;</p> +<p>But when my feet have kicked this mortal bucket</p> +<p class="i2">Millions will bless me!—more I cannot ask;</p> +<p>So, John, distract me not! Jemima, chuck it!</p> +<p class="i4">And, Jane, bring forth the mask!"</p> + </div> </div> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11094 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |