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diff --git a/old/7p10710.txt b/old/7p10710.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10333ca --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7p10710.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2553 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9961] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 7 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | residing in the country, that for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses | + | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + |than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called | + | to the following grades, as being better suited for business | + | purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 7.] + + + +PUNCHINELLO + + + +SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the | + | paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of | + | One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau | + | Street, New-York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | See 15th page for Extra Premiums. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bazar Book of Decorum. | + | | + | BAZAR BOOK OF DECORUM. The Care of the Person, Manners, | + | Etiquette, and Ceremonials. 16mo, Toned Paper, Cloth, | + | Beveled Edges, $1.00. | + | | + | "The great value of this book to American readers will be | + | found In the fact that it is not merely a useful and | + | trustworthy guide in matters of fashionable etiquette, but | + | also in those make up the daily round of social and domestic | + | life. The subject is treated with a large liberality of view | + | that takes in many of the practical questions arising in | + | every grade of society, in regard to dress, food, exercise, | + | daily habits of the mind and body, etc. The book is divided | + | into three parts, and treats, 1st. of the Care of the | + | Person; 2d, of Manners; 3d, of Etiquette and Ceremonials. | + | Under each head Is given a large amount of information upon | + | points often unconsciously disregarded by Americans. The | + | author tells exactly what people want to know in respect to | + | giving breakfasts and dinners, giving and receiving calls, | + | evening parties, visits of ceremony, addressing notes, | + | letters, invitations, etc., and meets an acknowledged want | + | in a very practical as well as entertaining manner." | + | | + | | + | Published by Harper & Brothers. | + | | + | Sent by mail, Postage Prepaid, on receipt of $1.00. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York. | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of | + | | + | Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, | + | La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary. | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to Justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public tor approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers who | + | have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, or | + | by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | | + | Terms: | + |One copy, per year, in advance..........................$4 00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ........................... 5 50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for....7 00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | AND AT | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +BATHOS and pathos are closely allied in sound as well as in sense. Mr. +FECHTER evidently regards them as completely identical; and in his +acting, as in his pronunciation, uniformly prefers the former to the +latter. He has recently exemplified this by his personation of CLAUDE +MELNOTTE, in that most tawdry specimen of the cotton-velvet drama, the +LADY OF LYONS. This melancholy event took place a few nights since at +the French Theatre, that mausoleum of the illegitimate French drama. +Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ, an actress who deserves the highest praise, and +who would receive it were it not that a doubt as to the proper +pronunciation of her name prevents the bashful critic from mentioning +her when flushed with the generous enthusiasm of beer, played PAULINE, +and a number of Uncertain People played the dickens with the rest of the +_dramatis personae_. Every one knows the play, and no one cares to hear +how the Uncertain People mangled it. The audience naturally took no +interest in it until the third scene of the first act was reached, and +shouts of "Long live CLAUDE MELNOTTE" were heard from behind the scenes. +After which everybody remarked, "Now he's coming," and rubbed their +lorgnettes with looks of expectation and corners of pocket-handkerchiefs. + +_Enter_ CLAUDE. "Gif me choy, dear mutter, I've won the brize." + +_Mother_. "Humph! What's the wally of it, my boy?" + +CLAUDE. "Every thing. It is wealth--the 'ope of vame--the ambition to pe +worthier of PAULINE. Ah! I lofe her! I 'ave sent a boem to her. My +messenger ought efen now to be returned." + +_Enter_ GASPAR. "CLAUDE, your verses are returned! With kicks! I could +show the marks of them, were it proper to do so in the presence of a +mixed audience!" + +_Mother_. "Now you are cured, Claude." + +CLAUDE. "So! I do sgatter her image to the winds. I will peat her menial +ruffians. I will do a fariety of voolish actions. What 'ave we 'ere? A +ledder? (_Reads it_.) BEAUSEANT bromises I shall marry her! Oh! refenge +and lofe! I will marry her, and pully her afterwards." (_Curtain_.) + +_Young Lady, who reads Dickens_. "How sweet he is! So romantic! I do +love this sweet, lovely play so much." + +_Accompanying Young Man, who regards himself a critic on the ground that +he once knew a ticket-speculator_. "Yes. It is one of the best plays +out. It's so full of gags, you know." + +_Young Lady_. "Gags? What are they?" + +_Accompanying young man, who, etc._ "Gags is the professional name for +nice tabloze. Scenes where they stand round in good positions, you +know." + +_Enthusiastic Man, who has come in with a pass_. "Well! I've never +seen any acting like FECHTER'S before. It's magnificent." + +_Veteran Play-goer_. "I hope I'll never see anything like it again. +He reminds me of a bull with delirium tremens in a china shop." + +_Rest of the Audience_. "Only four more acts. Thank goodness we've +got through with one." + +_Act II. Enter Uncertain People. They recite in a timid and indistinct +tone the prescribed fustian. They are followed by_ CLAUDE, PAULINE, +_and others_. + +CLAUDE. "These are peautiful gartens. Who blanned them?" + +_Mdme._ DESCHAPPELLES. "A gardener named CLAUDE MELNOTTE. He wrote +verses to my daughter. Ha! ha! Also, he! he!" + +CLAUDE. "This GLAUDE must be a monsous imbudent berson." + +PAULINE. "Sweet Prince, tell me again of thy palace by the Lake of +Como." + +CLAUDE. "A balace lifting to eternal summer its marple walls, from out a +closuy power of goolest voliage, musigal with pirds. Dost like the +bigture?" + +_Enter Mdme._ DESCHAPPELLES. "Oh! Prince, you must fly. The minions of +the Directory are laying for you. Take my daughter; marry her, and go to +Como." (_He takes her and flies R.U.E. Curtain_.) + +_Young Lady, who reads Dickens (wiping away the tear of imbecility)_. +"How sweet! how sweet!" + +_Accompanying Young Man_. "Yes. It is so natural and touching. I have +never seen a finer actor behind the footlights." + +_Everybody else_. "Hey! What's that you say? Asleep? Of course I +wasn't." + +_Act III. Enter Uncertain Persons as before. They ultimately go out +again. Applause. Enter_ CLAUDE, _his_ MOTHER, _and_ PAULINE. + +_Mother_. "This young man is of poor but honest parents. Know you not +that you are wedded to my son, CLAUDE MELNOTTE?" + +PAULINE. "Your son? Hold, hold me, somebody!" + +CLAUDE. "Leave us, mutter. Have bity on us." (_The old lady leaves_.) + +CLAUDE. "Now, lady, 'ear me." + +PAULINE. "Hear thee? Her son! Do fiends usually indulge in the luxury of +parents? Speak!" + +CLAUDE. "Gurse me. Thy gurse would plast me less than thy forgifeness." +(_He rants in broken English with unintelligible rapidity for next +half-hour, until his mother puts an end to the universal misery by +carrying Pauline off to bed. Curtain_.) + +_Young Lady, who reads Dickens_. "Oh, how sweetly pretty!" + +_Accompanying Young Man_. "Yes. He is even a better actor than MCKEAN +BUCHANAN." + +_Voices from all Parts of the House. "Let's go home. I can't stand two +more acts of this sort of thing."_ + +One of these voices was the soft, silvery and modest voice of MATADOR, +who went out, and sitting upon a convenient hydrant, (not one of the +infamous cast-iron abortions with an unpleasant knob on the cover,) +contemplated the midnight stars, and seriously meditated upon Mr. +FECHTER. And in spite of a previous unhesitating belief in Mr. DICKENS' +critical judgment, and in spite of a desire to find in Mr. FECHTER the +greatest actor of the age, he could not perceive in what respect that +distinguished gentleman deserves his world-wide reputation. Is his +manner natural? Is his elocution even tolerably good? Is his +pronunciation of English words any thing but barely intelligible? To +these questions a mental echo answered with a melancholy negative. And +when the occupant of the meditative hydrant demanded to know what single +merit could be found in Mr. FECHTER'S acting, his only answer was a +suggestion from a prosaic policeman that he cease to put idiotic +questions to the unoffending lamp-post. + +There are those--and enough of them to fill any theatre--who sincerely +admire Mr. FECHTER; but it is impossible to resist the conviction that +their admiration is only a dutiful acquiescence in the judgment of Mr. +DICKENS. With the utmost desire to do no injustice to a genial +gentleman, who conscientiously strives to carry out his theories of what +acting should be, the undersigned is forced to confess that Mr. FECHTER +in an English play is a spectacle so hopelessly and earnestly absurd, as +to call for commiseration rather than for the laughter which it would +deserve were it professedly a burlesque entertainment. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +EXCELSIOR. + +The _Gold Hill Daily News_, of Nevada, has found a big sapphire--a +regular _Koh-i-noor_ of gems. It says: + +"While at San Francisco, a few weeks ago, we had the pleasure of seeing +the SANGALLI ballet troupe at MAGUIRE'S Opera House, and the artistic, +glowing beauties of the Sapphire dance yet pleasurably linger in our +memory." + +The dance in question, which the Gold Hill editor describes as "a higher +order of the famous 'Can-can,'" is new to us. It makes us feel "blue" to +think that we have never seen the Sapphire dance. "Higher" than the +Can-can! Good gracious! if heels go higher in the Sapphire than in the +Can-can, may we not be pardoned for inquiring, "What next?" + + * * * * * + +Nought for Nought. + +Alas! that poor SYPHER should Cipher to gala +A seat he must evermore Sigh for in vain; +But why should we Sigh for poor SYPHER'S defeat, +When his friends couldn't Cipher him into his seat. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE ARTS IN PHILADELPHIA. + +PHILADELPHIA, April 12. + +Dear PUNCHINELLO: A few days since I received a card of invitation for +admission to a private view of a very fine collection of pictures, by +European and American artists. I visited the galleries, accompanied by +an amateur friend who has a fine artistic education, having travelled +some six months on the Continent. Being engaged in the picture-auction +business, I am not altogether a tyro in art, and determined to send you +a few notes taken on the spot, the combined effort of amateur friend and +myself. The walk to the gallery, extending over a half-hour in time, was +taken up by my amateur friend aforesaid, with an endeavor to give me +some general ideas, more than initiative, with reference to art matters. +For instance, he said the public liked glitter and varnish in a picture, +but it does not follow on that account that the picture is good. He then +mentioned the "Mimminee-Pimminee" style, and the "Pre-Raffaelite" style, +and the Raree shows of art, and I had the whole subject so jumbled up +that my artistic ideas became quite confused. He made a quotation, +giving me to understand that it was not original; it ran as follows: +"Indifferent pictures, like dull people, must be absolutely moral." I am +not sufficiently informed to quite comprehend this selection from +another man, but as we were at the time about entering the galleries, I +remained quietly ignorant. + +[Illustration] + +The first picture that attracted our admiration was a "Sheep scene," by +Lambdin. Every particular hair on the old ram is well made out. The +frame on the picture is beautifully embossed, with a rich velvet border +of sea-green mandarin pattern. + +The next picture worthy of notice is a "Street in Venice," by +Canal-etti--a singular specimen of this artist's first manner. The +figure at the crossing is rendered with great feeling. It is needless to +mention that the street is covered with water, which is beautifully +clear and transparent, showing the depth of mud and slime during the dry +season. The frame is ornamented with flowers in relief, and gilt in the +very best manner. + +[Illustration] + +"A Musical Party," by Bass-ano, is very highly finished, especially the +party, who have evidently been inhaling stimulants. This picture is +painted on a gold ground, and is considered a rare specimen of Italian +art. It was formerly in the Campo-Santo-di-Pisa collection. + +[Illustration] + +The frame is the blue-lotus pattern, very curiously gilt and chased. +This style of frame would sell without difficulty. + +The picture called the "Star of the East," by WEST, has a scolloped +frame in the Tuscan style, with extra fine enamelling. This is a very +singular picture. It must be admitted that this frame is finished with +great care. + +There is a frame made from a curious kind of wood, on a picture by +CONSTABLE, entitled the "Midnight Arrest." The picture is certainly a +matchless gem, very low in tone. The mosaic border to the frame is quite +unique in its design. + +Among the works by American artists, we notice some remarkably fine +productions. The picture by a lady amateur, entitled, "The Toilet of a +Girl of the Period," demonstrates the progress our artists are making in +_genre_ painting. The subject is rendered with great purity of feeling, +and the smelling-bottle in the foreground adds greatly to the spirit of +the composition. The frame is highly ornamented with scarce Japan gold, +elaborately chased in a superior manner. + +There is a picture by Miss T----n, called the "Blonde's Revenge," that +evinces talent of a superior order. This picture has been noticed by +various New-York and Western journals, but I do not consider with any +degree of justice to its surpassing merits. The color is equal to a +beautifully polished Pompeiian brass door-plate; the drawing is immense, +though truth must compel us to say that the costumes are rather +slighted. The principal figure of the group, which is taken from a +French model, seems to stand right out from the canvas; this I consider +a very high point of excellence. Visitors should be cautioned against +approaching this picture. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +I regret that time will not permit me to give you any further notice of +this collection, but I will endeavor to get my amateur friend to go +often and obtain notes for me. Unless I accompany him, however, I fear +he will not pay sufficient attention to the frames. + +Yours, G. + + * * * * * + +"Cometh Up as a Flower." +Very likely it does; but there is one thing that don't go down as +the Flour--and that's the price of bread. + + * * * * * + +ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS. + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +NO. II. + +_D_. OH, FATHER, what funny things are caused by the revolution of a +planet! + +_F_. Well, revolutions are not _always_ such funny things, as those +wretched creatures on the earth up there must have found out by this +time. + +_D_. How dry you are, pa! I didn't mean the revolutions _on_ a planet, +but the revolutions _of_ a planet. + +_F_. Well, a distinction, I admit. But what are you driving at? + +_D_. Several things. For instance, seven revolutions of the planet Earth +produce a new number of PUNCHINELLO--a funny thing, as you often say +yourself. + +_F_. Well put, truly. + +_D_. And seven revolutions also give rise to the _Revolution_ itself, +which (being a woman all Right in head and heart) I regard as about the +funniest thing going. + +_F_. "Funny," child? Why, I never saw any thing less so. It is +_dreadfully_ serious. It is even sanguinary; sadder still, abusive and +vulgar. What is there comical about coarseness? + +_D_. You don't take my idea, father. It is funny, because it assumes so +much. It does not realize that womanly modesty is the great obstacle to +its success, and that if it was as well endowed with that quality as the +average of American women, it would promptly cease to revolve. + +_F_. Why, HELENE! what has set you off? Where did you pick up this +nonsense? What can you possibly know of Women's Rights, as I believe +they call the new Movement? + +_D_. Why _shouldn't_ I know something about it, when it has been in your +mouth for months? And ain't _I_ a woman? Besides, don't we women know +some things by _instinct_? + +_F_. Well, well, child! I wish you could know Astronomy by instinct; for +I begin to see I've a job before me, if only to keep you to the point. + +_D_. The Compass-point, do you mean, father? + +_F_. No; the Study-point. Do you call this studying Astronomy? + +_D_. I think, pa, I like the _practical_ part best. + +_F_. Ah, that which allows you to study the Fashions in Broadway! Well, +woman is woman, I believe, the Universe over! But, come; a short lesson, +to begin with. Here is a fine view of Saturn, with his Rings. + +_D_. "Rings?" Are they anything like the New-York Rings you have read +about? + +_F_. Well, yes; no, not exactly; but a Ring within a Ring, is a phrase +that applies to both subjects, just now. + +_D_. Oh, pshaw! I thought you meant finger-rings! What does Saturn want +of Rings? + +_F_. And what does New-York want of 'em. They are _there_, and +there they'll stay! + +_D_. But _I_ mean, what does a _gentleman_ want of rings? + +_F_. Don't we find, every where, that the most Saturnine, the dullest, +and stupidest, and lowest, are generally the fondest of this sort of +ornament? + +_D_. Oh, dear! Father, how you _do_ try me! (Do see him, gazing away, +when he _knows_ I'm dying to get a squint! He pays me no more attention +than though I was a mere ANTHONY! Why, what ails him?) Father! Father, +dear! what--what's the matter? Why are you crying? + +_F_. Come here, and look; quick! Oh, HELENE; isn't it horrible? + +_D_. Why--what is it, father? Console yourself; it is a good way off to +say the least! [Looks a moment.] Why, it's those savage Freedmen, I do +declare! about to sacrifice that amiable-looking white! A tender-looking +man; is he what they call a Ku--Ku-- + +_F_. Klux? Oh, no. That is a Missionary; and the blacks are not +Freedmen, as you suppose, but Cannibals. They are about to roast him. +You see the fire? + +_D_. Oh, quite distinctly! look, father!--he is making a sign to them. +What does it mean? + +_F_. [Looking.] It means that he has lost the use of his +tongue--probably from fright--but would like to write something. + +_D_. Like so many other tongue-tied scribblers! Do they let him? + +_F_. Oh, yes; they bring a board, and a piece of chalk. + +_D_. How large is the piece? + +_F_. The usual size. He is writing. + +_D_. What does the poor fellow say? + +_F_. He is laconic. He merely writes-- + +COOK ME RARE. + +_D_. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! + +_F_. Boo-hoo-hoo-too! + + * * * * * + +WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FREE TRADE. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: In a paper of such great influence as PUNCHINELLO, +vast subjects should be set before the community. I know of none vaster +than Free Trade. You see, every body understands that subject and nobody +can explain it. I propose, therefore, to turn the light of my penny dip +upon it, and to set forth, in concise language, what I know about free +trade. + +It must be premised that there is a great deal to be said on the other +side, and that nothing can be more abominable than free trade to a +protectionist, unless it be protection to a free trader. Free trade +is--well--free trade is--well--let me illustrate: cigars made out of +cabbages are not nice; not to put too fine a point upon it, they're +nasty. We are greater at raising cabbages than we are at sprouting cigar +tobacco. Under these circumstances the free trader (he's a smoker, or if +he isn't, his aunt or sister is) says we want Havana cigars to enter our +lips without the taint of revenue. That's free trade. + +Every youth is a free trader. Don't you remember your own youthful +follies? If you are of the male persuasion, would you have traded your +jack-knife for TOM SMITH'S bull-pup, if there had been a tariff on the +pup. Or, if you are of the feminine persuasibility, would you have +swapped your crying-doll for BETSY JONSES' ring-tailed cat, if the cat +had been compelled to crawl through the custom-house and pay duties? +Besides, don't you remember how often your mother deprived you of a +second cup of tea, on the plea that it would injure your health? Much as +I respect your mamma, I can not refrain from informing you that that +plea was false, and that it was the absence of free trade that deprived +you of a second cup of China whiskey. Then you know that the lump-sugar, +the raisins, the cake, etc., were always locked up in a pantry. All the +result, my dear sir, of an absence of free trade. + +Now that you have grown up, the result is the same. You must have your +soup, and (I do not mean to be pathetic) what is soup without salt? You +must travel on the cars, but what are cars without rails? But, alas, +salt and rails are in the black list. What do you care, whether or not +TOM JONES and BILLY BROWN make money out of their salt and iron mines? +You want cheap soup and cheap riding. Then every time that you pay one +hundred dollars for your wife's dry-goods, you have the ecstatic +pleasure of knowing that you are paying fifty dollars because Mr. JOHN +ROBINSON can't make goods as cheap as the English manufacturers. + +In the natural state, man is a free trader. When our good Christian +brethren give an Indian a string of beads for a buffalo-skin, the Indian +charges no custom duties. He don't want to keep beads out of his +country. When LOT swapped his wife away for a pillar of salt, the trade +was free. When the Americans traded away good ships and cargoes for +Alabama claims, not a word was said about the tariff. These, however, +are cases in which nature rather gets ahead of civilization. + +See the result of the lack of free trade in our country. The brick +manufacturers must be protected, so a heavy tariff was placed on the +foreign article. Our brick men, finding that they had a soft thing, +tried to solve that conundrum which the Israelites gave up: "How do you +make bricks without straw?" They made a patent brick, built the Howard +Museum in Washington, (was it a museum or a college?) the thing tumbled +down, and a Congressional committee sat among its ruins. Poor Gen. +HOWARD is in a muddle, and wishes, from the bottom of his heart, that we +had free trade in bricks. + +Then, morally, see the high position of the free trader. Poor men who +must have tea or cigars or English or French manufactures, are never +driven to smuggling, where free trade prevails. The free trader would +even abolish the tariff of two dollars and a half, imposed on human +chattels who land at Castle Garden. + +That's all I know about free trade. I thought I knew more. I'm afraid I +haven't illuminated the subject; however, I will turn my lantern next +week on protection. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING AFFAIR. + +_First Heavy Swell._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, OLD FELLOW?--UNDER THE +WEATHER, EH?" + +_Second ditto._ "WORSE THAN THAT. _I've burst my shirt-collar!_"] + + * * * * * + +OUR FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE. + +(BY ATLANTIC CABLE.) + + +Your representative's little speech at the great PUNCHINELLO dinner may +be better imagined than described. A few words, however, may give you +its _animus_. + +"If," said I, "in this illustrious company, one may indulge in a +Wellerism"-- + +"Spell it with a _we_, sir, if you please," whispered SAMIVEL, who stood +right behind me. + +I resumed. "I have to say, that my feelings at this hour are too many +for me. Perhaps I might add, that the courses have been so also. As my +friend SOYER used to observe when we were together in the Crimea, +astronomical and gastronomical laws are alike fixed. And one of them is, +that the precession of the dinner-plates, and the nutation of the +glasses, do not promote the music of the spheres. But, Mr. PUNCH and +gentlemen, although not one of the heavenly bodies, indeed altogether +terrestrial, one feels, naturally, rounder in his orbit, and a little +more likely to see stars, after such a dinner as this, than before. Do I +not, indeed, see around me now, all the stars of the intellectual +firmament? Are not SIRIUS and ARCTURUS here, in their glory, as well as +ORION and the rest? As my old friend CRISPIN would say, their name is +legion! _I_ would blaze, gentlemen, too, if possible, in honor of the +occasion; but, as I can't Comet, meteors fall in lamentation of my poor +ability. + +"The day we celebrate is truly a great one. Since the time of OLAF, the +Northman, our Anglo-Saxon-Celtic race has loved its jesting +philosophers. No fools are they, in fact, even when to that name they +'stoop to conquer.' + + 'The wise man's folly is anatomized + Even by the squand'ring glances of the fool.' + +"The sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination +wraps me, is a most humorous sadness. + +"But, gentlemen, your walls have, if not ears, tongues, to recall the +glorious humor and wit of our race. HOGARTH looks down upon us. ADDISON +tells us of dear old Sir ROGER de COVERLEY; I am sure he must have been +the grandfather of Mr. PICKWICK. STERNE makes us weep on one side and +smile on the other, at the mention of my UNCLE TOBY; GOLDSMITH, at the +remembrance of himself. And so does TOM HOOD, the prince of humorists. +THACKERAY we all remember; and neither he nor his Vanity Fair will ever +be forgotten. DOUGLAS JERROLD, and JOHN LEECH, too--the only tears they +ever made men shed were at their graves. And who can fail to feel like a +"pendulum betwixt a smile and tear," when he remembers our ARTEMUS WARD? +Over the water now we have some yet; of whom we count "the TWAIN one;" +and we can get up as good BILLINGS-gate as ever went to market. Then, +for right Saxon wit, have we not SAXE himself? And, for the luminous, +PETROLEUM, the ex-postmaster of the Cross-roads? + +"I represent a name, gentlemen, new with us, yet old in Europe. You are +well aware that, in Italy"-- + +"_That_ might 'uv been tuk for granted; as the donkey said ven his dam +called him a hass"--whispered, rather loudly, SAMIVEL, behind me. + +Now whether it was the Thames atmosphere that had got into my head, or +whether it was SAM WELLER'S unexpected remark, I am unable, to this day, +to say. But, somehow or other, my speech had, by this time, gone up. So +I went down. If the speech was a rocket, I represented a stick. Perhaps +JENKINS may yet wake up to the importance to the civilization of the +century of reporting in full CHARLES DICKENS' speech, and BULWER'S, and +the rest. If so, I will send them on. PUNCHINELLO, however, was honored +as he deserves, at this dinner. Now for a little serious news. + + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +JOHN SMITH, Esq., (son of the _elder_ Smith,) finds it necessary to +contradict the rumor that he is going to the United States. He is +fearful lest there may, possibly, be another person of the same name in +America; which might cause confusion. + +_On dit_ that one of VICTORIA'S daughters was to be engaged to be +married to a young member of the house of ORANGE. But it is believed now +to have been a sour orange. + +Rev. Mr. MACKONOCHIE has been warned by the Bishop of London that he +must reform his ritual, in some particulars. The Bishop is especially +incensed at the censer; and waxes censorious about the wax lights. He +insists that Father MACKONOCHIE must use Stearine or Spermaceti. +Moreover, when water is mixed with wine, it must not come from the East +River; and the wine must be red. Blue wine will do if he can find any. + +Church parties are much excited about Mr. MIALL'S Church-liberation +scheme. But why so? Will not any Rev. who has a living, say, "Who takes +my living takes away _my all!_" A bad pun; but a good argument. They +should not _miaul_ about it, at any rate. + + +FRANCE. + +PIERRE BONAPARTE has gone to be king of the Feejee Islands. It has been +stipulated that he shall not shoot more than one man in a month; and +part of the tenderloin is to be given always to his Majesty's Prime +Minister. + +M. GUERRONIER'S remark in the Senate, April 19th, requires explanation. +He said that "Europe can be tranquil only when France is satisfied." He +was alluding to the necessity of an early supply of copies of +PUNCHINELLO; without which that excitable population can not be kept in +a satisfactory state. I have made arrangements to have them forwarded +accordingly. + + +GERMANY. + +POTOCKIS, new Minister of Public Instruction, has offered his +resignation. The reason is that a deputation of the professors and +teachers called on him to say that it would take their pupils a year to +learn how to spell his name. It is TSCHABUSHNIGG. PRIME. + + * * * * * + +POOR CAPTAIN EYRE. + +It is really outrageous to find fault with poor Captain EYRE. If ever a +man had a full and perfect defence to the accusations which are made +against him, EYRE is that man. Not content with offering one excuse, he +offers a large and varied assortment of excuses, any one of which ought +to be quite satisfactory. For example he asserts: + +That instead of running into the Oneida, the Oneida ran into him. + +That his ship struck the Oneida so lightly that he never knew there had +been any collision. + +That he saw the Oneida just after he had run into her, and that she did +not appear to have lost any thing but her skylights. + +That he stopped his engines and blew his whistle, in order to show that +he was ready to offer any needed assistance to the Oneida. + +That the reason why he did not stop his engines and offer assistance, +was that the collision had so injured his own ship that he thought best +to make at once for the nearest port. + +That he never dreamed that any assistance was wanted, and therefore did +not offer it. + +That he would have gone to the assistance of the Oneida had not one of +his lady passengers been so frightened by the collision that she begged +him to make all possible speed to land her. + +That not a single one of his passengers knew there had been a collision, +so light was the shock of the contact. + +That it was only a Yankee ship, any how, and that it is all "blarsted" +nonsense to make a fuss about it. + +Captain EYRE has returned to England, and asks, on the above grounds, +that he be reinstated in command of his ship. It would be absurd to +refuse so just a request. His defence could not well be more full unless +he were to strengthen it with an alibi. If Mr. SOLOMON PELL still +pursues the practice of the law, Captain EYRE should at once employ that +eminent barrister to prove an alibi for him. His justification would +then be too conclusive to admit of question. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISM OF THE PERIOD. + +[AFTER THE MANNER OF THE "NATION."] + +Milton's Paradise Lost.--The demand for a new edition of this cumbrous +piece of blank verse, proves what we have often said, that the want, in +CROMWELLS time, of a literary journal of the character of the Nation has +had a permanent effect upon literature. Had we been in existence when +that obstinate and pedantic old Puritan wrote, we might have suppressed +him. Still, there is no knowing what women and children will not read. +While MILTON'S lines certainly measure generally about the same length, +it is preposterous to call by the name of poetry what could be written +in prose with so little modification. It is true that the same objection +might be applied to HOMER and SHAKSPEARE. The former has the advantage +of being written in Greek, so that very few people can read it. +SHAKSPEARE has a popularity that is partly accounted for by the low +taste of the people who have gone to the theatre to hear SIDDONS rave +and GARRICK declaim, or who will persist in admiring MACREADY and BOOTH. + +As to MILTON, we have detected, with the aid of foot-notes to an old +edition, a multitude of the most absolute plagiarisms from various +authors. From the Bible mainly, and also from the Greek and Latin poets, +he has taken nearly all his ideas; and every one of the words he uses +are to be found in the dictionary. Talk of originality, after that! His +conceptions also are sometimes absurd; for instance, the Address to +Light. No one, who has not been stultified by theological nebulosities, +ought to fail to know, as we knew when we first began to go to school, +that a blind man cannot see anything at all. Therefore it is an insult +to the understanding, and paltering with all the rational inductions of +modern science, for an educated writer, stone blind, to say a word about +light. + +In fact, the whole plot of the poem flies in the face of the cultivation +of the Nineteenth Century. Such ideas as Paradise, Adam and Eve, and +angels, are getting obsolete. While it is not to be expected that +ordinary persons should have the intelligence or learning of the Editor +and contributors of the Nation, we yet wonder that they are not always +ready to abide by the instruction we are prepared to give them, at the +small price of five dollars a year. Subscriptions received at this +office. + + * * * * * + +INTERIOR ILLUMINATION. + +It gives us joy to state that the celebrated Dr. MILIO (of whom we have +never heard before) has invented a means of illuminating men's +interiors. The doctor lives in Russia; and he takes you and throws +inside of you "a concentrated beam of electric light;" and then he sees +exactly what particular pill you want, and he gives it to you, and you +go away (after paying him) exultant! This quite does away with the +necessity of a bow-window in the bosom, so much desired by a certain +ancient philosopher. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave most respectfully to announce that he has +determined to import, at any expense whatever, one of Dr. MILIO'S +Concentrated Electric Beamers. With this Dr. PUNCHINELLO does not intend +to engage in private practice. His purpose is to throw the light +directly into the Body Politic, whether the B.P. requests him to do it +or not. Dr. P. confidently expects to make some most extraordinary +discoveries of various diseases--of greed, foolish ambition, ossification +of the heart, moral leprosy, chronic stupidity, latent idiocy, and that +very common and often unsuspected complaint usually known as Humbug. +(Humbugna Communis.) His fee in no case will exceed ten cents per week; +and patients WILL BE illuminated by the year. + + * * * * * + +THE DREADFUL STATE OF THINGS OUT WEST. + +A dispatch received at this office from the office of the Chicago +Tribune states that the utmost public distress is prevailing in St. +Louis. A frightful pestilence is raging, complete anarchy prevails, most +of the merchants have gone into insolvency, and ruin stares St. Louis in +the face in the most aggravating way. + +A dispatch from the St. Louis Democrat states that the utmost public +distress is prevailing in Chicago. A frightful pestilence is raging, +complete anarchy prevails, most of the merchants have gone into +insolvency, etc., etc. + +A dispatch, from the _Cincinnati Gazette_ states that the utmost public +distress is prevailing in both, St. Louis and Chicago. A frightful +pestilence is raging, complete anarchy prevails, most of the merchants +have gone into insolvency, etc., etc., etc. + +The most painful part of the matter, in Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S benevolent +eyes, is that each city appears to be perfectly delighted with the +misfortunes and miseries of both the others. Instead of getting up +subscriptions for each other, they chuckle and crow in a perfectly +fiendish manner. Until they can behave better, we shall postpone the +subscription which we propose to open in their behalf. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERSONAL GOSSIP. +(From the Daily Press.) +"THE WINNER OF A $25,000 PRIZE IN THE HAVANA LOTTERY +IS A BOOT-BLACK OF BROOKLYN."] + + * * * * * + +A Capital Letter. + + The property-holder who Lets his + houses at reduced rents. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TOUCHING INCIDENT IN CONGRESS. + +THE RECONCILIATION BETWEEN GENERAL BUTLER AND GENERAL SCHENCK, ON THE +SUBJECT OF THE TARIFF BILL.] + + * * * * * + +COLONEL FISK'S SOLILOQUY. + +THE NINTH TEMPTATION. + + Would I were young enough, to go to school, + Or could but pitch upon some golden rule + For knowing what I am, and what to do, + When to the public gaze I am on view. + I'm Colonel, Admiral, and President, + A theatre manager, and resident + Director of the Opera House, and mine + Are Erie and the Boston steamboat line. + Of merchant, banker, broker, every shade + Am I; in fact, a Jack of every trade. + More varied than the hues of the Chameleon; + Far heavier than Ossa piled on Pelion + Are all my duties! Really it's confusing, + At times, to a degree that's quite amusing. + When am I this, when that, when which, when what? + And am I always FISK, or am I not? + Thus, constantly I get into a fix, + And one thing with another sadly mix; + Many a time absurd mistakes I've made + In giving orders. When I'm on Parade, + And ought to say, "Fours Right," by Jove! I'm certain + To holloa out, "Come, hurry up that curtain!" + Going to Providence the other night, + I ordered all the hands, "Dress to the Right!" + I saw my error, and called out again, + "Hold on! I meant to say, The Ladies' Chain." + At Matinee the other afternoon, + When all the violins seemed well in tune, + I sang out to the Bell Boy, "What's the hitch? + If the Express is due, you'd better switch!" + My order seemed the boy to overwhelm-- + "Lubber!" I cried, "why don't you port your helm?" + I made a speech the other night at mess, + And what my toast was, nobody will guess; + It should have been, "The Union"--'twas, "Be cheery, + Boys! the toast we have to drink is--Erie." + The boys laughed loudly, being the right, sort, + And said, "Why, Admiral! you're hard a _port_." + One time, when GOULD and I were on the cars, + I thought th' officials of the train were tars; + Told them to "Coil that rope and clean the scuppers, + And then go down below and get your suppers." + This must be changed, or my good name will suffer, + And folks will say, JIM FISK is but a duffer. + To feel myself a fool and lose my head, + Too, takes the gilding off the gingerbread; + And makes me ask myself the reason why + On earth I have so many fish to fry? + The fact is, what I touch must have a risk + Of failure, or it wouldn't suit JIM FISK, + I'll conquer this, too--keep a secretary + To help me out when I'm in a quandary. + I will not budge! My banner is unfurled, + Proclaiming FISK the Problem of the world. + + * * * * * + +Query for Lawyers. + +If a man throws a huge stone at his wife's head, would he escape +punishment on the plea that he only meant to Rock her to sleep? + + * * * * * + +A Spring Blossom. + +Blossom Rock, in San Francisco Harbor, has just been blown up +with gunpowder. Of course Blossom Rock went "up as a Flower". + + * * * * * + +Justice in the New Territory. + +Whatever lack of law there may be in Alaska, PUNCHINELLO is +quite sure that there is Just-ice enough in that domain to satisfy all +demands. + + * * * * * + +A Rumor. + +It is rumored that the Fenian Organization have offered Mr. FECHTER +the position of Head Centre, in recognition of the merciless manner +in which he mangles the Queen's English. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FINANCIAL INQUISITION. + +_Grand Inquisitor,_ U. S. GRANT. +_Associate Inquisitors,_ G. S. BOUTWELL, F.E. SPINNER, +JOHN SHERMAN. _Executioner,_ C. DELANO. + +ASSOCIATE SHERMAN. "WELL, UNCLE SAM DOES STAND A GOOD DEAL +OF PRESSURE. EXECUTIONER, KEEP PILING THE WEIGHTS ON."] + + * * * * * + +NOW WE SHALL HAVE IT. + +It has always been one of the sorrows of our life that we were prevented +(by business) from being present at the building of the Tower of Babel. +To say nothing of the great knowledge which we should have acquired of +the ancient languages, it would have been jolly to have marked the +foreman of the works swearing at the laborers in Syriac, while they +answered him in Hebrew, Chaldee, and the Chinese tongue. However, as a +next best thing, we shall attend the meeting of the American Woman +Suffrage Association, which will be held in Washington during the next +session of Congress. We have as much regard as any body for the drums of +our ears; but for the sake of a new sensation, we shall be willing to +risk them. We can imagine at this moment, the astounding effect of the +Grand Double Palaver! All the Senators and Representatives are either +barking, or bawling, or screaming, or shouting, or yelling in the +Capitol, while, to complete the elocutionary duet, all the American +women are simultaneously indulging the unruly and unbridled member. What +the precise effect will be we don't profess to say; but we confidently +predict some valuable discovery in the science of acoustics. + + * * * * * + +FORTY-FOUR TO FOURTEEN. + +[IN WHICH THE YOUNG MEN OF THE PERIOD ARE TAKEN IN HAND.] + +Forty-four is going to talk (with a pen) to Fourteen. I am a female; and +forty-four, as just hinted, is my age. Fourteen is also a female--just +the age I was once. How I recollect that day! I was full of romance and +hope; now I've no romance, little hope, and some wrinkles. It is a fine +thing to be fourteen. I should like to go back there, and make a long +visit. But that can't be. How much I wish it could! If only there were +life-renewers as well as hair-renewers! They called me pretty at +fourteen--said I had pretty ways, (one of them was one hundred and +thirty-five avoirdupois,) and would certainly be a belle. But I proved +too much for that. One hundred and seventy-five cut off all hope. I +sighed, ate nothing, studied poetry, did a good deal of melancholy by +moonlight and otherwise, but nothing came of it. I made myself as +agreeable as possible; but it was the old story--I was too much for +'em--I mean the young men of the period. I dressed and gave parties. I +took lessons in singing of Sig. Folderol, and in dancing of Mons. +Pigeonwing, and could sing cavatinas and galop galops with the best of +them. Ma said I was an angel, and Pa declared I was perfect. But none of +the young men said so. My dear Fourteen, it may be just so with you. +Your ma and pa may say you are angelic and perfect; but where's the use +of it, if nobody else can be made to see it? I tried my best to catch +the young men in my net. But, provoking things, they wouldn't be caught. +Between ourselves--mind, don't blab it out--young men are the greatest +noodles that were ever put upon the face of the earth. I never yet saw +one that could be depended upon to stand by. I am sure, as you know, no +one ever stood by me--when there was a parson at hand. At fourteen I +didn't much care where they stood, if it wasn't on my corns. Twenty +years later I shouldn't have been so particular. But I don't much mind +now, bless you! _You_ wont at forty-four. There's nothing to these young +men. All talk, pretence, audacity, and paper collar, I assure you. I've +studied all of them. They are the same now as then. Human nature, you +know, my dear Fourteen, is the same yesterday, to-day, and week after +next. I used to think it wasn't; now I know it is. These young +men--monsters that they are--will pour the nectar of compliments over +your face, and the acid and canker of abuse down your back; and all in +the same breath, if they get a chance. Pray have an eye and an ear out +for them. If you go to Long Branch, or Newport, or Saratoga, or the +White Mountains this summer, just look out for them. They are dreadful +creatures at home in the cities, but doubly dreadful at these resorts. +You are young, simple, unsophisticated. I was at your age. But I soon +got over such weaknesses. You must very soon, or be a ninny. "Simple," +"artless," "unsophisticated," and such terms mean simply softness. +Whatever else you are, or are not, don't be soft. The mistake of my +fruitless life has been that I believed, in other years, all that was +told me by the other sex. They said to my face that I was a beauty; at +Mr. Jones's, they said I was a fright. They said I sang like a Patti; at +Brown's, I screeched like an owl. They said I danced like Terpsichore; +at Smith's, they declared I wabbled round like any other lame duck. They +said my taste in dress was the pink of perfection; at the Duzenbury's, I +was scandalously deficient in every thing of the sort. It's a way the +young men of that day had with all the girls; and they go the same vile +way now. Pray don't have any thing to do with them. I don't, and I +wouldn't for the world. Folks say I'm prejudiced against em; but it +isn't so--I hate 'em. It is healthy to hate what is hateful. It is +healthy to hate a bundle of broadcloth, kerseymere, buttons, and brass, +and it's my delight by day and dream by night. I'm forty-four--you're +fourteen. I've seen the world--you haven't. You look through rosy +glasses; I through the clear, naked eye. My advice to you on the young +men question is this: Discount nine words in every ten spoken to you as +absolute trash--the gush of mere evaporative sentiment. If you are +called pretty, graceful, accomplished, neat in dress, comely in person, +that your eyes sparkle like diamonds, and your lips are poetic, with +whole volumes of such, just make up your mind that there are plenty of +fools around trying to make a sillier one than themselves. It may seem +very fine for the moment, but it will realize something very different +afterward. Suppose you are _not_ caught up? All the better. I'm +forty-four, independent, free, a slave to no man nor monkey. Better +live, to write your own tale than be the abject one to another. Better +be forty-four and yourself, than a cipher belonging to some body else. +Far better beware of the young men than be worn by them. At least so +thinks and says + +FORTY-FOUR. + + * * * * * + +A NEW RAILWAY PROJECT. + +While every one agrees that a railway running through the city of +New-York, and transporting passengers with rapidity from one end of the +island to the other, is an absolute necessity, no one has yet hit upon a +plan which satisfies the public. The Society for the Prevention of +Cruelty to Animals objects to the Elevated Road, on the ground (though +it is in the air) that the cars will continually run off the track, and, +falling on the horses and dogs in the street below, crush them to a +fatal jelly. The Arcade plan is objectionable to the shop-keepers, +inasmuch as it will change the great thoroughfare into a street +consisting exclusively of cellars, thereby driving the buyers elsewhere. +Conservative people, who like old things, naturally dislike the +Pneumatic Railway, and vehemently assert that "they'll be blowed if they +travel over it," which will undoubtedly prove to be true. Evidently a +new plan must be devised if every body is to be satisfied. That plan +PUNCHINELLO rather flatters himself that he has invented. + +It does not seem to have yet occurred to any one that we are not +necessarily shut up to the single plan of fitting a railway to the city. +Why can we not fit the city to the railway? Every body remembers that +when the Mountain wouldn't come to MOHAMED, that eminent preacher went +to the mountain. Here we have a precedent worth following, To build any +sort of railway in New-York will take time and money. Why, then, should +we do it when there are plenty of nice railways already built in every +part of the country? There is a very nice railway completed and in +running order from Pokertown, in Montana territory, to Euchrebend, just +across the line in Idaho. All we have to do is to box up our buildings, +together with the Central Park, the sewers, the docks, and the Tammany +Hall General Committee, and express them through to Pokertown. The city +can then be set up on each side of the Pokertown and Euchrebend Railway, +and then we shall have the desired state of things--a railway running +through the heart of our city. This plan is both novel and easy. At all +events it is easy of execution in comparison with the Arcade plan, and +it presents no features to which any one can reasonably object. Drawings +of the city as it will appear when this plan has been carried out are +now in process of publication, and will soon be for sale at this office. +(N. B.--Shares in the Pokertown and Euchrebend Railway, and lost along +the route of that admirable road, also for sale on application to the +gentleman whose able pen presents this scheme to our readers.) + + * * * * * + +"Curses Come Home," etc. + +The gay young men of New-York are said to be terribly addicted to the +use of _absinthe_. They pick up the vice in Paris, and hence arises the +singular paradox that, even after they return home, they still continue +to be Absinthees. + + * * * * * + +A Logical Sequence. + +Paper made from wood cannot be claimed as a modern invention, for Log +books, as every body knows, have been used by mariners since ever so +long ago. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN MATRIMONY. + +_Young Wife._ "YES, DEAR, MY HUSBAND IS ALL I COULD WISH HIM TO BE." + +_Husband (who is making bread in the back room)._ "I WISH I COULD SAY AS +MUCH FOR HER."] + + * * * * * + +ABOUT A BLOCK. + +A "COUNTRYMAN" writes to us, asking whether the extension of "Murderer's +Block" is among the current city improvements, He says that, on recently +visiting this city, he had great difficulty in determining the exact +locality of the sanctuary in question. Some said it was in the Eighth +Ward; others located it in the Seventeenth. A policeman in East Houston +street, in reply to the query, "Which is Murderer's Block?" waved his +hand with a gesture indicative of unlimited space, and said, "You are on +it." Not pleased with the impeaching tone of this reply, our informant +made his way to another ward, where he put the same question to the +first policeman who came along. Without giving him a direct reply, the +officer winked, shifted his quid of tobacco so as to display his Check +to full advantage, and pointed with his thumb over his shoulder at +indefinite city "slums" behind him. Let the "Countryman" understand +that, as things are at present, he may stand almost any where in the +city and be within a marble-shot of "Murderer's Block." Perhaps +Superintendent JOURDAN is quite aware of this. + + * * * * * + +Neptunian. + +Is it correct to speak of the waters of +the Black Sea as the colored element? + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE RETURNED SOLDIER. + +[WITH REMARKS BY PUNCHINELLO.] + + I'll hang my harp on the willow-tree, + +_(And that's a very sensible thing for him to do. A hand-organ is what +he wants now.)_ + + And I'll off to the wars again; + +_(Not much. A fellow with only one leg, and perhaps but half the +regulation number of arms, is not wanted in the ranks.)_ + + My peaceful home has no charms for me, + +_(Of course not. He gave up his home and business to go to the wars, and +he can't expect to have all these things when he comes back again, you +know.)_ + + The battle-field no pain. + +_(A great many other fellows besides him found the battle-field no +payin' place.)_ + + The country I love stands up in her pride, + +_(That's so. He's right this time.)_ + + With a diadem on her brow; + +_(Referring probably to what SUMNER calls the "dire Democracy.")_ + + Oh! why did she flatter my boyish pride? + +_(Because she wanted men; that's all.)_ + + She is going to leave me now! + +_(By no means. He can play his organ on the corner as long as he wants +to.)_ + + She took me away from my child and wife, + +_(That was all right enough. He couldn't take his wife and child into +camp.)_ + + And gave me a shoddy suit; + +_(Entirely the fault of the contractors.)_ + + I quite forgot my good old life, + +_(That was perfectly proper. People in camp have to forget that sort of +thing.)_ + + While they taught me to march and shoot. + +_(Good lessons; worth learning.)_ + + She seemed to think me above the men + +_(Made him corporal, most probably.)_ + + Who staid at their homes, you see; + +_(And if he fought on principle he was above most of them.)_ + + Oh, had I jumped the bounty then, + +_(Horrible idea!)_ + + It would have been better for me. + +_(That's not so certain. To be sure, in that case he might have got a +good office in some of the Departments, or been made a Consul, but why +should he complain? He has a first-rate organ, and nobody hinders him +from sitting on the corner and grinding it the livelong day, if it +pleases him. And then there's the honor! His country may not think about +it, nor the people who give him pennies, but if he feels it himself, +what more need he want? How ridiculous it is for some persons to +insinuate that a rich and powerful people, who can grant hundreds of +thousands of dollars to railroad companies, and North Pole expeditions, +ought to be ashamed to see their disabled soldiers begging on the +corners! Absurd beyond comparison!)_ + + * * * * * + +NO GHOST AFTER ALL. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO, having been often scared out of his senses (which are +usually very good and trustworthy senses,) by double tattoos on his +library table, and also by the eccentric movements of the table itself, +is happy to announce that, after all, there is nothing in it. There is a +Dr. HAMMOND who has sent all necessary explanations to the _North +American Review_. We do not understand them at all, but they are highly +soothing and satisfactory. It seems that Mr. P. (in common with less +distinguished characters) has "a gray tissue." This does not refer to +his coat, but to something inside of him which renders him the nervous +creature that he is. Well, not to make too scientific a matter of it, it +appears that our "gray tissue" operates upon our "spinal cord," and +raises the old boy (if we may be allowed the expression) with our +brains; and this, in some way, but really we do not exactly see how, +produces the raps, and leads us to suppose that we are hearing (dear old +lady!) from our grandmother. It is astonishing how simple these +mysterious matters appear after a scientific explanation. + + * * * * * + +THE DOG-BREAKER'S DIFFICULTY. + +[Illustration: THE DOG'S HEAD IS VERY GOOD FOR A POINTER, BUT THE +CONFOUNDED TAIL _will_ CURL. + +A PLAN IS DEVISED FOR STRAIGHTENING IT. + +RESULT.] + + * * * * * + +Philological Query. + +Is the following sentence, which Mr. PUNCHINELLO finds in that +respectable paper, the _Boston Advertiser_, to be considered as English +or Latin? + +"The constitutio de fide has been adopted by the Ecumenical Council, +nemine contradicente." + + * * * * * + +Absurd to Ask It. + +The Belgians propose to drop the letter "h" from the French language. In +France itself the proposition is received wrathfully, and it is no +wonder, when we remember that Perfidious Albion has been the great +dropper of "h" from time immemorial. + + * * * * * + +A Place Appropriately Named. + +SIGH-BERIA + + * * * * * + +FISCALITIES. + +Let no one read this title--rascalities. Fiscalities are very different +things. (_That is to say, out of Wall street_.) PUNCHINELLO always had a +strong liking for fiscal subjects, and even now he would be glad to +write a fiscal history of the United States, provided he was furnished +with specimens of all the various coins, bank-notes, greenbacks, bonds, +and such mediums of exchange that have been in circulation from colonial +times until now. (_That is to say, he'd like very much to have the coins +and things, but if any one takes up this offer, and wants to keep his +coins, a money-order for a corresponding amount, or ordinary bills, in a +registered letter, will be entirely satisfactory_.) But as he can not +write a book this week, he desires to draw the attention of his readers +to the fact that fiscal expansion ought to be the great end of man. +(_That is to say, it often is, but in a different way from what +_PUNCHINELLO _means_.) For instance, look at Colonel FISK, of the +glorious Ninth! Had not his vigorous intellect been closely applied to +the great questions of fiscal economy, is it likely that the steady +expansion of his corporeal being would have given such a weight to his +wisely-planned movements? (_That is to say, if he hadn't got rich he +wouldn't have got so fat, and then buildings would not tremble when he +drills_.) A man who is perfectly proportioned in a fiscal point of view, +can call himself a monarch of the world. The elements will own they are +his servants, and the seasons will mould themselves to suit his will. +(_That is to say, he can have one hundred and fifty fine young women to +dance the Devil's Torchlight Cotillion in his own theatre, and he can sit +there, if he wants to, all alone and look at them just as long as he +pleases; and not one of them dare stop till he's ready_.) Space bows +before such a man, and shrivels itself up into a mere nothing. Land and +water are alike to such a one. It matters not to him whether the waves +roll beneath his possessions, or the solid ground upholds them. + +ST. CECILIA sits at the feet of this great exponent of fiscal expansion, +and TUBAL CAIN dwells serenely in his court-yards. (_That is to say, +just wait until you hear his new brass band!_) Now, who would not be as +this financial monarch? Who would not say: "I, too, can do these +things?" (_That is to say, which of us would not gladly take every cent +the good FISK possesses, and let him beg his bread from door to door, if +we only got a decent chance?_) If it were not for such shining examples +of the power of wealth and the glories that it is capable of placing +before our eyes, the souls of ordinary men would much less frequently be +moved to extraordinary effort in the line of pecuniary progress. (_That +is to say, if old_ FISK _did not change the ballet in his Twelve +Temptations so often, and did not keep on getting new dancers, and +dressing them all up different every week or two, we would not have to +raise a dollar and half so frequently to go and see the confounded +thing_.) But it is of no use to try and calculate the vast advantage of +Fiscal expansion. Even with a WEBB'S Adder, PUNCHINELLO could not do the +sum, and it's pretty certain that it would make WEBB Sadder, if he tried +it. Among other things, a man of fiscal solidity is never unprepared for +emergencies, and, if necessary, he can resort to extremities of which +ordinary people would never dream. (_That is to say, have you seen_ +FISK'S _last legs?_) Therefore, it becomes us all to endeavor to have a +share in the prosperity of which we see such a shining example, (_that +is to say_, PUNCHINELLO _does not mean for us all to go buy stock in +Erie_,) and mayhap, even the humblest of us may, in time, be able to +whistle "Shoo Fly" in marble halls. (_That is to say, even a poor ostler +may get along very well if he attentively and industriously waters his +stock_.) + + * * * * * + +Interesting to Mr. Bergh. + +"Dog's-Ear" shirt-collars (the ones that stick up and are doubled down +at the points,) are coming into fashion. + +Says young SOLOMONS, the other day, "I want something new in collars; I +shall cut my Dog's-ears." And he went and did it; which is decidedly +interesting to Mr. BERGH. + + * * * * * + +An Interesting Patient. + +New-Haven enjoys an elephant that has corns, and is about to be operated +on by a chiropodist. There is a largeness, approaching to sublimity, in +the idea of an elephant with corns, though it naturally suggests the +query, "What Boots it?" + + * * * * * + +A Dogged Problem. + +If Sir WALTER SCOTT'S dog was worth--say--ten "pounds," what was his +Kenilworth? + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +The gentle CHANDLER is occasionally goaded to rage and rhetoric by +perfidious Albion. The other day he had one of these deliriums. In the +language of the bard. + + He shook his fists and he tore his hair + Till they really felt afraid; + For they couldn't help thinking + the man had been drinking. + +He wanted to annex the Winnipeg district. It was true that the Winnipeg +district was an unmitigated nuisance to England; and probably it would +prove an unmitigated nuisance to us if we annexed it. But it would make +Great Britain mad. The dearest object of his life was to madden Great +Britain. What was Great Britain? What business had she on this +continent? None but the right of conquest. It occurred to him that that +was all we had ourselves; but that made no difference. His motto was, +Great Britain _est_ Carthago, or _delenda_ must be destroyed, or +something of that sort--he forgot exactly what. He knew we could whip +Great Britain, and he wanted to fight her. That is, he wanted some body +else to fight her. It would be the proudest moment of his life to serve, +exclusively as a sutler, in the grand American army which should go +forth to smash Great Britain. Queen VICTORIA was only a woman. Therefore +he would fight her single-handed. Let her come on. Let her son, who was +a snob, come on. Let Mr. THORNTON come on. Let every body come on. He +defied every body. He expectorated upon every body. (Mr. CHANDLER by +this time became so earnest that seven Senators were constrained to wait +upon him, but it produced no sedative effect.) Mr. CHANDLER kept on in +this manner until he had challenged the population of the planet to +single combat, and then subsided, and ordered five hundred copies of the +morrow's _Globe_ to send to various potentates and constituents. + +Mr. DRAKE said of course no body minded CHANDLER. But there were some +glimmerings of sense in CHANDLER, and he thought the Winnipeg war would +be a good thing. Perhaps CHANDLER might be induced to go out there, +which would make it pleasant for the Senate. Mr. SUMNER said he was +disgusted, not with CHANDLER'S principles, which were excellent, but +with his quotation, which was incorrect. He considered correct quotation +far more important than correct principles. Every school-boy knew that +_delenda est Carthago_ was what Mr. CHANDLER attempted to cite. To be +sure Mr. CHANDLER was not every school-boy. (Cheers for every +School-boy.) Mr. SUMNER took advantage of this occasion to relate +several incidents of the life of HANNIBAL, and closed with a protest +against the accursed spirit of caste. In support of this view he sent to +the clerk's desk, and had read a few chapters from KANT'S Critique of +Pure Reason. + +HOUSE. + +Schenck scatters members to flight whenever he introduces his tariff +bill. This disgusts SCHENCK, and he has been trying to bring back the +erring Representatives by the use of the Sergeant-at-Arms and fines. The +House has lately amused itself by listening to excuses. + +Mr. BUTLER'S name was called. Mr. BUTLER was not there. Mr. SCHENCK +proposed to fine him. + +Mr. COX objected. Why, he said, should the sweet boon of BUTLER'S +absence rouse the anger of SCHENCK. He would suggest an amendment that +BUTLER be fined when present and blessed when away. The less they had of +BUTLER the better. + +Mr. AMES was making money, and therefore he could not come. + +Mr. DAVIS was prosecuting MCFARLAND, which he considered better fun than +discussing the tariff. + +Mr. FITCH had gone to take a bath. Mr. LOGAN said that was ridiculous. +He himself had never found it necessary to absent himself on such a +ground. No representative of the people ought to take a bath. + +He was sorry to see this tendency to aristocracy on the part of members. +West Point and the bath-tub were undermining our institutions. + +Mr. POLAND said that he had been to call on a clergyman. Mr. LOGAN said +that was worse if possible than the bath. He much preferred immersion to +sprinkling. + +Mr. SWEENEY (who is Mr. SWEENEY?) had been superintending the birth of +an infant SWEENEY. Mr. KELLEY said a man who would basely look after his +young when the fate of pig-iron was trembling in the balance, was +unworthy to represent American freemen. What was the interesting +situation of any individual, male or female, compared to the interesting +situation of "fish-plates." The same fiendish spirit that animated the +Confederate armies was still alive. But it now found expression in vile +and insidious attacks upon the "scrap-iron" which was the pride of every +true American heart. He did not hesitate to say that the man who would +vote against an increase of 7000 per cent, _ad valorem_, upon railway +iron would, if his cowardly soul would let him, have aimed the pistol of +the assassin at the late Mr. LINCOLN. + +Mr. LOGAN said there was no occasion for Mr. KELLEY to say any thing +about any man from Illinois. He, LOGAN, could take care of that State +without KELLEY'S assistance. He had observed with grief and shame that +KELLEY had made several more speeches this session than he (LOGAN) had. +He did not intend to suffer this in future. + +Mr. KELLEY said he voted for his constituents, who were ironmongers; but +ho spoke, in an iron-ical way, for the whole country. He meant to speak +early and speak often. + +Mr. SCHENCK upheld the income-tax. He said it bore very lightly on +Congressmen, for none but honest men were compelled to pay it. + + * * * * * + +OUR LITERARY LEGATE. + +Minister MOTLEY is a gentleman, a scholar, and, though last not least, +as genial a diner and winer as ever put American legs under a British +peer's mahogany. There was a time when he was for avenging British +outrage by whipping John Bull out of his boots, but now, clad in a +dress-coat of unexceptionable cut, he deprecates the idea of +international breaches. As a diplomatist he could scarcely show more +indifference to the Alabama claim, if the claim itself were All a Bam. +He roars for recompense more gently than a sucking dove. When he +presented our little bill a _grand coup_ was expected, but the +trans-atlantic turtle seems to have shut him up. Listening to +compliments on the "Dutch Republic" he forgets his own, and renders but +a Flemish account to his country. Not content with following the festive +footsteps of his illustrious predecessor, REVERDY, he has made new +tracks to every hospitable nobleman's door. The scented soft-soap of +adulation is his "particular vanity," and under its soothing influence +he seems to be washing his hands of his official responsibilities. In +point of fact, MOTLEY has deserted his colors, and, as a diplomat, is by +no means up to the American Standard. As it is clear he cannot maintain +the _prestige_ of the Star Spangled Banner abroad, we call upon the +Government to give him Hail Columbia, and order him home. + + * * * * * + +CONS BY A WRECKER. + + Where are women wrecked? Off the Silly Islands. + Where are men wrecked? Some off Port, some Half Seas over, + some off the Horn, or wherever they Chews. + Where are rogues wrecked? In the Dock. + Where are brokers wrecked? On the Breakers. + Where are children wrecked? Some in Babycome Bay, and some on the + Coral Islands. + Where are bad musicians wrecked? On the Sound. + Where are would-be sharpers wrecked? On the Mighty Deep. + + * * * * * + +BOOK NOTICES. + +IN SPAIN AND A VISIT TO PORTUGAL. By HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. New-York: +HURD & HOUGHTON. + +A good summer book of nearly three hundred pages. As usual, ANDERSEN is +not abstruse in his way of putting things. His narrative is adapted +alike for the juvenile mind and for the adult. There is no periphrasis +in it. One understands his meaning at a glance; therefore the book +should be a very popular one when summer time sets in, and people look +for some quiet _delassement_ which will not compel them to think. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | BARGAINS IN CARPETS. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE RECEIVING BY EACH AND EVERY STEAMER | + | | + | THE | + | | + | NEWEST AND LATEST DESIGNS IN | + | | + | MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS, | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | BODY BRUSSELS, | + | | + | Crossley's Velvets, | + | Tapestry Brussels, | + | etc., etc., | + | | + | AND THEY ARE ALSO | + | | + | MAKING LABRE ADDITIONS | + | | + | TO THEIR | + | | + | REGULAR STOCKS OF | + | | + | ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | $2 50 AND $3 PER YARD, | + | | + | AXMINSTERS, | + | $3 50 AND $4 PER YARD. | + | | + | TOGETHER WITH | + | | + | INGRAINS, THREE-PLY, COCOA, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | CANTON MATTINGS, | + | ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC | + | OIL-CLOTHS, etc., | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. 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STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A MAGNIFICENT ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | Sash-Ribbons, Neck-Ribbons, Roman | + | Sashes, etc., etc., | + | | + | IN NEW STYLES AND COLORINGS. | + | | + | At Extremely Attractive Prices. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SPECIAL | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. | + | | + | By special arrangement with | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., | + | | + | We offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers | + | to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO: | + | | + | "Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 | + | by 11-1/8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one | + | year, for $4.00. | + | | + | "Wild Roses." Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price $3.00, or any other | + | $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for | + | $5.00. | + | | + | "The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, price $6.00 or | + | any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, and a copy | + | of the paper for one year, for $6.00. | + | | + | "Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, 18-1/8 by | + | 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and a copy of | + | the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, and | + | four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for | + | clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. | + | | + | We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S | + | Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is | + | not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for | + | clubs to any amount, and to agents. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; | + | the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P. O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be | + | offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a | + | postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one | + | desiring to get up a club. | + | | + | Address | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: POLICE POLICY. + +_Policeman._ "THAT'S HIM: OVER THERE PICKING THE OLD GENTLEMAN'S +POCKET." + +_Green Youth._ "THEN WHY DON'T YOU ARREST HIM?" + +_Policeman._ "WELL, IT MIGHT MAKE HIM FEEL UGLY TOWARDS ME, I +LIKE A QUIET LIFE."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO.F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | + | | + | COPPER-Plate Engravers and Printers, | + | | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE | + | ST., New-York. | + | | + | Advantages. All on the same premises, and under immediate | + | supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, | + | EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout | + | the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLITIN: "Pompeii," "Barefoot | + | Boy," "Wild Fruits," "Birthplace of Whittier," etc. | + | Illustrated Catalogues sent on receipt of stamp by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 7 *** + +This file should be named 7p10710.txt or 7p10710.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10711.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p10710a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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