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diff --git a/old/8p11710h.htm b/old/8p11710h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b15d7d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11710h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2317 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, No. 17</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9885] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 27, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="001.jpg (278K)" src="001.jpg" height="1150" width="761"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002.jpg (280K)" src="002.jpg" height="1120" width="764"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4> +AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3> +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</h3> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)</p> + +<p> +BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that +look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything +eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the +least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in +which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced +without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners, +and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors +therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the +home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of +spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning +of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely +place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted +existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the +fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least +appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the +spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of +the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing +the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he +hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and +dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S +use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this +man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten +in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the +pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did +his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury +arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally +retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of +aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment +to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was +assuredly destined.</p> + +<p>[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the +introduction of a living <i>fly</i> in <i>December</i>, the Adapter begs leave to +suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction +when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable +"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come, +"and <i>ready iced</i>, too;" and that "the pump's <i>froze</i>," while, only a +few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is +spoken of as "weeding the garden."]</p> + +<p>The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff +American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the +weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon +the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging +in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers, +Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally +and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over <i>their</i> +equally dispiriting avocations.</p> + +<p>After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city, +the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious +assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for +the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without +making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of +ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:</p> + +<p>"BLADAMS!"</p> + +<p>"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from +which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own +mug.</p> + +<p>"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may +our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your +Bump of Happiness increase."</p> + +<p>Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and, +having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go, +sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it +from that top-shelf the other day."</p> + +<p>"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN; +"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected, +and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."</p> + +<p>"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of +practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that +politeness costs nothing.</p> + +<p>"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear +joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please +remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself, +and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."</p> + +<p>"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with +crackers. "All ale to her!"</p> + +<p>"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror +occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death +in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously +concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square, +practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true +lover's state of mind to-night."</p> + +<p>"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not +to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the +crackers at his own elbow.</p> + +<p>"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I +make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is +rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object +of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at +EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant +crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the +conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as +Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he +feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to +make believe that be never said it."</p> + +<p>It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this +truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced +unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun +reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What +time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk +into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded +arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and +occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching +hands.</p> + +<p>"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost +horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in +the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever +eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable +glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she +always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of +smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is +more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells +him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further +represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such +tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of +such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on +the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with +his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting +doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to +whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported +saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a +private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an +eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of +insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More +Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was, +you know, when they were Children Together."</p> + +<p>EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during +the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at +its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm +toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a +final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and +young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds +across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on +one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly +the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board, +Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to +relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table +flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over +upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their +chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting +invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of +four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.</p> + +<p>A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the +name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable +expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of +this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned +table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting +position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a +rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"</p> + +<p>"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of +countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather +hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show <i>all</i> that +he feels--"</p> + +<p>There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being +broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the +discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.</p> + +<p>Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel, +containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer +produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at +either end.</p> + +<p>"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with +golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me, +in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of +the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again. +To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."</p> + +<p>"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness +would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN, +that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a +habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to +shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic +with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up +proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally +reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that +you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother +who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not +marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living +and the dead, to bring it back to me."</p> + +<p>Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his +pockets.</p> + +<p>"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."</p> + +<p>"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the +best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD +to resume his overcoat.</p> + +<p>When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his +nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to +himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to +me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the +mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"</p> + +<p>What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on +the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his +mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he +glanced at the disordered table.</p> + +<p>(To be Continued.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE FREE BATHS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="004a.jpg (87K)" src="004a.jpg" height="593" width="406"> +</td><td> + + + +</td><td> +<p>PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his +inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain +class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has +sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment +of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has +been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics +at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It +was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the +extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of +that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success +of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them +by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon. +W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the +Free Baths."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="004b.jpg (101K)" src="004b.jpg" height="617" width="410"> +</td><td> +<p>CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.</p> + +<p>It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write +about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with +the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over? +And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of +"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things +which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK +GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and +shows at present in this happy city.</p> + +<p>We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot +and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was +obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were +told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they +felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from +the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a +theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas +he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat. +Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the +visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to +the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and +sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of +finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.</p> + +<p>By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is +properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that +it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration +is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at +its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate +legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of +July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic +youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, +and will devote this column to the national show.</p> + +<p>I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever +did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to +commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with +stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to +our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say +Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely +where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like! +Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain, +and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we +are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will +ever be bothered about it again.</p> + +<p>I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid +capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund +all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent, +but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid +meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial +mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL +PARK GARDEN.</p> + +<p>It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The +other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded +by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his +orchestra through the devious ways of the <i>Tannhauser</i> overture, and I +naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might +express. This is what they really did say.</p> + +<p>FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now, +boys, we'll have some more beer."</p> + +<p>SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."</p> + +<p>THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."</p> + +<p>FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"</p> + +<p>FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this +weather."</p> + +<p>What ought a man to think of the <i>Tannhauser</i>, after hearing these five +contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were +a trifle too strong.</p> + +<p>And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S +merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent +musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than +even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of +them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"</p> + +<p>FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His +orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and +meaningless passes which he makes with his <i>baton</i>."</p> + +<p>SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has +made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No +man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."</p> + +<p>And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered +their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young +creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark, +"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his +coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL +BERGMANN."</p> + +<p>While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN +on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the +establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I +had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion, +let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him +apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the +world, if he should so desire.</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.</h2> + +<p>For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,) +he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very +beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (<i>vide</i> +his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the +hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although, +in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time, +beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m., +30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The +shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and +ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is, +"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his +understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any +consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are +not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of +corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY, +it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native +American awl altogether.</p> + +<p>For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration. +He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink +nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or +brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf. +Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO +believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong +and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow +or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and +sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive +fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of +our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and +opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in +porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he +is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO +wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for +his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely +intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage +having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.</p> + +<p>The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily +perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and +are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for +the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his +friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the +only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should +be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound +Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous +thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to +give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams, +Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="005a.jpg (19K)" src="005a.jpg" height="197" width="623"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual +friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it +more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all, +that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling +yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like +KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let +it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to +make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the +worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And +especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the +Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is +good enough to be buried in.</p> + +<p>And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and +which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="005b.jpg (24K)" src="005b.jpg" height="213" width="631"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious, +manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to +kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P. +is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about +it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats +dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder, +or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and +stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?</p> + +<p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other +shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently +judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he +might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance) +most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace +by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a +misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr. +P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the +Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail, +whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>SEE THE POINT?</h2> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.<br> + As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:<br> + "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."<br> + "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.<br> + "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied + EDWIN.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006.jpg (150K)" src="006.jpg" height="698" width="755"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>FOAM;[1]</h2> + +<h4>OR</h4> + +<h3>HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.</h3> + +<h4> +A LYRICAL DRAMA.</h4> + +<p> +<i>Played with immense success at the summer residence of</i> Gen. GRANT, <i>at +Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights.</i>[2]</p> + +<p>ACT I.</p> + +<p><i>Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a +bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of +coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter +from the adjoining hall,</i> MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, <i>dressed in a tattered +morning wrapper</i>.)</p> + +<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into +the country. But where shall I go?[3] (<i>Sings</i>:)</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> If I'm any judge of the weather,<br> + The days are refreshingly hot,<br> + Though one place's as good as another,<br> + I think I'll get out of this spot;<br> + But where shall I go?<br> + Where shall I go?<br> + Where shall I go<br> + For the summer?</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>(<i>Looks at table</i>.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold. +(<i>Reflectively</i>.) I guess I'll eat. (<i>Sits down and hurts the hash.)</i></p> + +<p><i>(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance +around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)</i></p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br> + Why did you go for to do so?<br> + JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br> + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>SERVANT GIRL. (<i>Sings</i>.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.</p> + +<p>WASHERWOMAN. " Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.</p> + +<p>HATTER. " Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.</p> + +<p>SHOEMAKER. " Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.</p> + +<p>(<i>All sing</i>:)</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br> + Why did you go for to do so?<br> + JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br> + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>(JENKINS <i>rises from the table and sings</i>:)</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> I've a castle in Spain,<br> + Filled with ingots of gold,<br> + I've a mine in Golconda,<br> + Whose wealth is untold.<br> + Then dry up your tears,<br> + Come out of your sorrow,<br> + I'll pay what I owe,<br> + I'll pay you to-morrow,<br> + I'll pay you to-morrow,<br> + All that I owe.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>(<i>Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing</i>:)</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> We feel, we feel, we feel,<br> + We feel like a young typhoon;<br> + We hope, we hope, we hope,<br> + We hope you'll be paying soon.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>(<i>Exeunt Servant-girl, et al</i>.)</p> + +<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq.</i>) Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the +provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well, +let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise. +(<i>Puts things in his valise. Sings</i>:)</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> It's rich that I am, am I not?<br> + Just look at the fixings I've got;<br> + Here's a brush, here's a comb,<br> + Both are for fixing my dome,<br> + A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,<br> + My baggage's conveniently small.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on +that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this +will do, this triple-sheet <i>Tribune</i>, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle. +That'll fill it. (<i>Shoves paper in valise</i>.) Now for my hat and coat. +(<i>Puts them on</i>.) Off I go. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> I'm off, I'm off,<br> + I'm off for Long Branch,<br> + I'll have a jolly old time,<br> + I'll have a jolly old time,<br> + I'll bathe in the surf,<br> + I'll ride on the turf,<br> + Dance with the girls,<br> + Steal all their pearls,<br> + And have a jolly old time.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>(<i>Exit</i> JENKINS)</p> + +<p><i>Curtain</i></p> + +<p>[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]</p> + +<p>[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular +than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one +nights.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]</p> + +<p> +ACT II.</p> + +<p><i>Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water, +real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain +and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no +make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin +would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute +necessity.</i></p> + +<p>[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the +auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage +carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the +scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those +superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will +slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken +(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not +responsible for it.]</p> + +<p><i>As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock, +singing</i>:</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!<br> + Hark, as we holler,<br> + Six for a dollar,<br> + Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p><i>Real scream from steam whistle.</i> JENKINS <i>obeys the orange-women, and +goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream, +when</i> JENKINS <i>reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by</i> +JENKINS, <i>twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all +the sailors shout.</i></p> + +<p><i>Curtain</i></p> + +<p>[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that +I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact +space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]</p> + +<p>(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he +can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and +milk.)</p> + +<p> +ACT III.</p> + +<p><i>Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter</i> +JENKINS, <i>disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat, +with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows, +grinds the hand-organ, and sings:</i></p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> Gaily the troubadour<br> + Touched his or-gan,<br> + As he came staggering<br> + Home with a can--</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>(<i>Numerous heads put out of numerous windows</i>.)</p> + +<p>[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here +requested to take a long breath.]</p> + +<p><i>1st Window.</i> Stop that howling!</p> + +<p><i>2d</i> " Dry up, you idiot!</p> + +<p><i>3d</i> " Cork that organ!</p> + +<p><i>4th</i> " Bust that music-box!</p> + +<p>(And so on, <i>ad infinitum</i>, until all the supes are used up; the supes +can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Windows shut. Enter</i> JULIETTE, <i>from window</i>.)</p> + +<p>JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!</p> + +<p>JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!</p> + +<p>JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (<i>She rests on his bosom</i>.)</p> + +<p>JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!</p> + +<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> I never loved him in my life,<br> + I never loved his baby,<br> + I'll slip out some dark night,<br> + And marry JENKINS, maybe.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>JENKINS. (<i>Sings:</i>)</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> Pretty maid, if I kiss,<br> + Will you faint away,<br> + Will you cry for your pa,<br> + Pretty maiden, say?<br> + If I press dainty lips,<br> + Will you make a screech?<br> + If you do, I'll away,<br> + And you cannot peach.</p> + +<p> Pretty maid, do not faint,<br> + Charming little belle,<br> + Mind you now, pretty maid,<br> + Do not kiss and tell.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p>(<i>He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge</i>.)</p> + +<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> You are going far away,<br> + Far away from poor JULIETTE,<br> + And there's no one left to love me now,<br> + I fear you'll too forget.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>(<i>Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks</i> JENKINS, <i>Heavy +Father then seizes</i> JULIETTE <i>and leads her into house</i>. JENKINS +<i>skedaddles</i>.)</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JENKINS <i>at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast +clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings</i>:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> I went, I went,<br> + As meek as any lamb,<br> + He took me, yes, he took me<br> + For some other man.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p><i>Curtain</i>.</p> + +<p>(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic +song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)</p> + +<p>Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words +"will be."</p> + +<p>After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is +ever played at all."</p> + +<p>LOT.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007.jpg (118K)" src="007.jpg" height="552" width="607"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ON DORGS.</h2> +<br> + +<p>Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy +for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.</p> + +<p>A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master +often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his +dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the +pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his <i>canis</i> in +the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and +lodging free.</p> + +<p>Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its +kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that +nothing would divide them till death did them part.</p> + +<p>I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the +smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the +door-steps at the larger.</p> + +<p>I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, <i>alias</i> puppy,) which was very +fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing +but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal, +especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I +could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins, +or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while, +on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took +grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never +could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of +index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four +hours after his banquet, to recover himself.</p> + +<p>I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him +into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots, +trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening. +My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by +this experiment.</p> + +<p>Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen +attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting +their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to +take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.</p> + +<p>As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the +machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The +motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."</p> + +<p>BILL BISCAY.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.</h2> + +<p>Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best +material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the +present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has +discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more +efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea. +The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE RIGHT MAN.</h2> + +<p>A Brooklyn item states as follows:</p> + +<p>"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."</p> + +<p>Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York, +and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge +LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may +be found there yet.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.</h2> + +<p>The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008.jpg (299K)" src="008.jpg" height="1141" width="709"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late +Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident +dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for +it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young +ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite +as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the +dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they +are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<p>The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city +for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the +late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who +was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural +History:</p> + +<p>"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before +and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle +observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."</p> + +<p>It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the +knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more +than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what +evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a +neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from +following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute +for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more +salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of +experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns +of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is +possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal +results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is +generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CRITICAL.</h2> + +<p>"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the +"heated term."</p> + +<p>"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what <i>you</i> call it?--<i>I</i> call it +Simmer."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>PERSONAL.</h2> + +<p>PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say +that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by +which the Coney Island boats are controlled.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<h2>GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.</h2> + +<h3>AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.</h3> +</center> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> Sing about a Treaty<br> + Got up to supply<br> + Half a million Black birds<br> + For the Union Pie.<br> + When the fact was published,<br> + Swindlers at Sing Sing<br> + Said the Author's one of us--<br> + Let us call him King.</p> + +<p> FISH was at the Treasury<br> + Clamoring for the money,<br> + GRANT was in the "Blue-room"<br> + Looking blithe and sunny,<br> + MORBILL, in the Senate,<br> + Brought things to a close--<br> + GRANT'S half million Black birds<br> + Vanished with the noes.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.</h2> + +<p>Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."</h2> + +<p>A Chinese Fizzle.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."</h2> + +<p>JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>TO U,'LYSS.</h2> + +<p>ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,<br> + Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.<br> + His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;<br> + But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (288K)" src="009.jpg" height="718" width="949"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.</h2> + +<h4> +HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.--A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.</h4> + +<p> +While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the +old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands +there.</p> + +<p>My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of +eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded +individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:</p> + +<p>"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished +bildin' is."</p> + +<p>"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to +find out."</p> + +<p>"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will +relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle +analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."</p> + +<p>"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of +stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further +than a Bohemian's."</p> + +<p>He then began the follerin' histry:</p> + +<p>"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his +cognovit.</p> + +<p>"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day +to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as +well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.</p> + +<p>"One day this <i>Jerkt</i> farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about +irrigation.</p> + +<p>"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems +which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their +land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow +bully.</p> + +<p>"He was a great advocate of Dams.</p> + +<p>"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller +man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems <i>pro temper</i>, +and were dammed pooty sudden."</p> + +<p>"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I, +interuptin' the old man.</p> + +<p>"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got +onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.</p> + +<p>"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE +TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."</p> + +<p>"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".</p> + +<p>He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin' +ways.</p> + +<p>"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of +doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their +was a flood--yes sir, a flood.</p> + +<p>"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the +passengers all drowned.</p> + +<p>"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the +inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any +well-organized Ring.</p> + +<p>"Only one bote lode was saved.</p> + +<p>"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed +enough to own that craft.</p> + +<p>"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his +family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild +animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their +papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.</p> + +<p>"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters +dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them +new-fashioned tar pavements.</p> + +<p>"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden +and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.</p> + +<p>"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun +preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.</p> + +<p>"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and +hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.</p> + +<p>"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot +rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's +nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from +his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.</p> + +<p>"NOAH didn't like niggers.</p> + +<p>"Not much he didn't.</p> + +<p>"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.</p> + +<p>"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he <i>Horris +Greelyzed</i> him in the follerin' well-known words:</p> + +<p>"Cussed be Kanan.'</p> + +<p>"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER, +whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and +I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other +chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men, +NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and +strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.</p> + +<p>"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.</p> + +<p>"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's +eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were +bein' sold to the highest bidder.</p> + +<p>"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:</p> + +<p>"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now +till dooms-day.'</p> + +<p>"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,</p> + +<p>"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'</p> + +<p>"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and +the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.</p> + +<p>"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was +called Black Friday.</p> + +<p>"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.</p> + +<p>"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.</p> + +<p>"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the +head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.</p> + +<p>"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of +Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."</p> + +<p>"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too +thick?"</p> + +<p>"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."</p> + +<p>"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.</p> + +<p>"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any +more.</p> + +<p>"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great +Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big +Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.</p> + +<p>"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and +that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead +stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and +fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."</p> + +<p>The old man paused.</p> + +<p>I sprung to my feet.</p> + +<p>"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some +of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a +contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused +so many to sin.</p> + +<p>In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> "I want to be a contracter,<br> + And with contracters share."</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p>After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born +he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand, +and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.</p> + +<p>Adux, PUNCHINELLO.</p> + +<p>Ewers and so 4thly,</p> + +<p>HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, <i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ALL STUFF!</h2> + +<p>That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being +extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so +accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to +"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.</h2> + +<p>A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.</p> + +<p>Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore +VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the +horses were Smoking like mad.</p> + +<p>But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's +pocket of tobacco.</p> + +<p>Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2> + +<h4> +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h4> + +<p> +After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man +attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake, +or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if +Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy +flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the +jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt +not their vain tissues in the ambient air.</p> + +<p>So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went +on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.</p> + +<p>There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous +<i>rapport</i> took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the +delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012a.jpg (50K)" src="012a.jpg" height="191" width="673"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the +"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that +solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching, +he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never +communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice +thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it. +It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.</p> + +<p>But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the +scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or +five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly +stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and +there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the +narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that +they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery +spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the +kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, +and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was +endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012b.jpg (105K)" src="012b.jpg" height="446" width="676"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.</p> + +<p>Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the +bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:</p> + +<p>"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the +public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of +the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break +down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into +this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been +bored and are full of it."</p> + +<p>At this Mr. P. laughed right out.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps +you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the +bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from +the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he +disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable +opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob +his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic +conservators of our iron interests.</p> + +<p>Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to +spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no +place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a +noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as +it were?</p> + +<p>At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent +shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur +cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.</p> + +<p>For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and +euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a +moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it +would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had +not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but +moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all +night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This +estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the +startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012c.jpg (96K)" src="012c.jpg" height="430" width="693"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"</p> + +<p>"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond +line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of +Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"</p> + +<p>"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly +want with railroad tickets?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this +firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the +poem of the gifted MOORE--"</p> + +<p>"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this +pond a-singin' that doleful song."</p> + +<p>"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch, +<i>you</i> are Sycamore."</p> + +<p>"That's so," she gravely grunted.</p> + +<p>"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"</p> + +<p>At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her +lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry. +Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> "Three women came, one moonlight night,<br> + And tempted me away.<br> + They said, 'No longer on this lake,<br> + Good maiden, must you stay.</p> + +<p> We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,<br> + And LUCY S. also,<br> + And what a lone female can do<br> + We want the world to know.</p> + +<p> No better instance can we give,<br> + Oh, Indian maid! than you,<br> + How woman can, year after year.<br> + Paddle her own canoe.'"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to +say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been +so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no +difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see +why they should make up--"</p> + +<p>He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid, +despairing of her tickets, had gone.</p> + +<p>The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as +it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good. +But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.</p> + +<p>As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy +horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to +tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of +pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.</p> + +<p>If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said, +he would mention it--but he don't.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>NOTES FROM CHICAGO.</h2> + +<p>"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love," +and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention +of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may +be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and +refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly +advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and +high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and +the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the +means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic +virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on +these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive +feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the +culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into +action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute, +notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the +glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be +considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for +what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering +sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm, +or an <i>omelette soufflée</i> presenting just that sublime tint of +yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate +refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering, +is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.</p> + +<p>After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then +we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most +unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without +some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich +without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure <i>could</i> +there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent +advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer +dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors, +or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a +woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully +realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so +chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist +the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas +tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not +often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet +cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or +white linen into the mud?</p> + +<p>We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some, +which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water, +still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into +it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the +encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green +fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues +of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or +woman.</p> + +<p>Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select, +where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which +partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the +gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in +bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the +programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The +Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in +such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health +for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers, +Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen +haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little, +and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated +amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.</p> + +<p>The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically, +psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation, +conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however, +to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less +enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are +truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets +and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet +to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but +specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless +fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or +mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that +a balloon-vine is a <i>Cardiospernum Halicactum</i>. The "feast" on these +occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries +being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and +there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."</p> + +<p>Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for +me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the +beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and +the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes, +shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and +imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the +haunts they are seeking.</p> + +<p>Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a +picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the +diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully +illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could +not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family +picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one +delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five +graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big +fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language +fails, though beer doesn't.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h4>GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.</h4> + +<p>Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are, +upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would +desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous, +cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to +SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the +view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they +were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the +Contiguous Shark considers it a <i>casus belli</i>, and immediately makes a +pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him. +Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away. +Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are +thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to +perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they +sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together. +Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it +may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have +occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily +at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked +on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets +caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the +thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however +difficult it may be to hoist it in.</p> + +<p>Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other +watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized +there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every +harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the +other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting +himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up. +White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in +the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled +up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on +the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a +Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest +man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is +common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no +particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every +latitude.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="014.jpg (232K)" src="014.jpg" height="828" width="655"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A MOTLEY MELODY.</h2> + +<h4>AIR: OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.</h4> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> Feast-loving MOTLEY<br> + Over a bottle he<br> + Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.<br> + He asks not for chink,<br> + So JOHN BULL, with a wink,<br> + "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p> When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,<br> + <i>Amor Patriae</i> leaks out as the turtle goes in.</p> + +<p> When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All<br> + our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.</p> + +<p> When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave<br> + In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.</p> + +<p> When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape<br> + He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.</p> + +<p> When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,<br> + He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.</p> + +<p> And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs<br> + He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.</h2> + +<p>THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local" +has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three +inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons +desirous of swallowing it.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.</h2> + +<p>AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels +in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap +boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me. My name +SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read +muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have +also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans +to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great +statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee +treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How +too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great +American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also +payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich +peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there +then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How +that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they +say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink +of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims. +They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee +much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me +who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain +and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much +of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle +me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that +Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that +island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State +papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what +you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get +book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain +buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for +shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They +tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid, +no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.</p> + +<p>Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he +go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you +makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much +different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go +fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke +opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for +Japanee trade.</p> + +<p>Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans +he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella +him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh +much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot. +He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear +one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him, +"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you +call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I +tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So +Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he +no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.</p> + +<p>People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I +no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go +talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him +cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for +Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers. +TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.</p> + +<p>Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have +wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away +when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much +questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money +shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.</p> + +<p>SOOGIWOORA</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="015.jpg (249K)" src="015.jpg" height="1112" width="759"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="016.jpg (251K)" src="016.jpg" height="1110" width="755"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 *** + +This file should be named 8p11710h.htm or 8p11710h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11711h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11710ah.htm + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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