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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9885]
+Release Date: February, 2006
+First Posted: October 27, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra
+Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Vol. I. No. 17.]
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+Continued in this Number.
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+JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D.} Editors
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+Boston Journal of Chemistry.
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+       *       *       *       *       *
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+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)
+
+
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.
+
+[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living _fly_ in _December_, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and _ready iced_, too;" and that "the pump's _froze_," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]
+
+The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over _their_
+equally dispiriting avocations.
+
+After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:
+
+"BLADAMS!"
+
+"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.
+
+"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."
+
+Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."
+
+"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."
+
+"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.
+
+"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."
+
+"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"
+
+"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.
+
+"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."
+
+"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.
+
+"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."
+
+It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.
+
+"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."
+
+EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.
+
+A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"
+
+"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show _all_ that
+he feels--"
+
+There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.
+
+Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.
+
+"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."
+
+"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.
+
+"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."
+
+Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.
+
+"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."
+
+"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.
+
+When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"
+
+What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.
+
+(To be Continued.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FREE BATHS.
+
+[Illustration: 'P']
+
+PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration: 'C']
+
+CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.
+
+It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.
+
+We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.
+
+It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.
+
+By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.
+
+I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.
+
+I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.
+
+It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the _Tannhauser_ overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.
+
+FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."
+
+SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."
+
+THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."
+
+FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"
+
+FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."
+
+What ought a man to think of the _Tannhauser_, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.
+
+And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"
+
+FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his _baton_."
+
+SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."
+
+And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."
+
+While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.
+
+For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (_vide_
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.
+
+For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.
+
+And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?
+
+Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEE THE POINT?
+
+  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: No, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE "BLONDES". THIS IS FITZ
+FADDLE, WHOSE CLOTHES WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS BATHING, AND WHO HAS
+CONVERTED HIS UMBRELLA INTO A TEMPORARY GARMENT, CLOTHED IN WHICH HE IS
+MAKING HIS WAY TO HIS HOTEL. THE REASON WHY HE WHISTLES IS TO LOOK AS IF
+HE DIDN'T CARE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOAM;[1]
+
+OR
+
+HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.
+
+
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.
+
+
+_Played with immense success at the summer residence of_ Gen. GRANT, _at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights._[2]
+
+ACT I.
+
+_Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,_ MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, _dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (_Sings_:)
+
+  If I'm any judge of the weather,
+    The days are refreshingly hot,
+  Though one place's as good as another,
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;
+          But where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go
+              For the summer?
+
+(_Looks at table_.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(_Reflectively_.) I guess I'll eat. (_Sits down and hurts the hash.)
+
+(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)_
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+   Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+   Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+SERVANT GIRL. (_Sings_.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.
+
+WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.
+
+HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.
+
+SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.
+
+(_All sing_:)
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+    Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+(JENKINS _rises from the table and sings_:)
+
+  I've a castle in Spain,
+    Filled with ingots of gold,
+  I've a mine in Golconda,
+    Whose wealth is untold.
+  Then dry up your tears,
+    Come out of your sorrow,
+  I'll pay what I owe,
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,
+    All that I owe.
+
+(_Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing_:)
+
+  We feel, we feel, we feel,
+    We feel like a young typhoon;
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.
+
+(_Exeunt Servant-girl, et al_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq._)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(_Puts things in his valise. Sings_:)
+
+  It's rich that I am, am I not?
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,
+  Both are for fixing my dome,
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,
+  My baggage's conveniently small.
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet _Tribune_, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (_Shoves paper in valise_.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(_Puts them on_.) Off I go. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I'm off, I'm off,
+  I'm off for Long Branch,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll bathe in the surf,
+  I'll ride on the turf,
+  Dance with the girls,
+  Steal all their pearls,
+  And have a jolly old time.
+
+(_Exit_ JENKINS)
+
+_Curtain_
+
+[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]
+
+[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]
+
+[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+_Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity._
+
+[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]
+
+_As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing_:
+
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+          Hark, as we holler,
+          Six for a dollar,
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+
+_Real scream from steam whistle._ JENKINS _obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when_ JENKINS _reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by_
+JENKINS, _twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.
+
+Curtain_
+
+[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]
+
+(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+_Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter_
+JENKINS, _disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:_
+
+  Gaily the troubadour
+    Touched his or-gan,
+  As he came staggering
+    Home with a can--
+
+(_Numerous heads put out of numerous windows_.)
+
+[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]
+
+_1st Window._ Stop that howling!
+
+_2d_   "      Dry up, you idiot!
+
+_3d_   "      Cork that organ!
+
+_4th_  "      Bust that music-box!
+
+(And so on, _ad infinitum_, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)
+
+(_Windows shut. Enter_ JULIETTE, _from window_.)
+
+JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!
+
+JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!
+
+JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (_She rests on his bosom_.)
+
+JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I never loved him in my life,
+    I never loved his baby,
+  I'll slip out some dark night,
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.
+
+JENKINS. (_Sings:_)
+
+  Pretty maid, if I kiss,
+    Will you faint away,
+  Will you cry for your pa,
+    Pretty maiden, say?
+  If I press dainty lips,
+    Will you make a screech?
+  If you do, I'll away,
+    And you cannot peach.
+
+      Pretty maid, do not faint,
+        Charming little belle,
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,
+        Do not kiss and tell.
+
+(_He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge_.)
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  You are going far away,
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,
+  And there's no one left to love me now,
+  I fear you'll too forget.
+
+(_Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks_ JENKINS, _Heavy
+Father then seizes_ JULIETTE _and leads her into house_. JENKINS
+_skedaddles_.)
+
+_Enter_ JENKINS _at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings_:
+
+  I went, I went,
+  As meek as any lamb,
+  He took me, yes, he took me
+  For some other man.
+
+_Curtain_.
+
+(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)
+
+Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."
+
+After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."
+
+LOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ILL-BRED DOGS.
+
+WEST-POINTERS, SETTING AT A BLACKBIRD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON DORGS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.
+
+A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his _canis_ in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.
+
+Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.
+
+I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.
+
+I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, _alias_ puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.
+
+I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.
+
+Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.
+
+As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.
+
+Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHT MAN.
+
+A Brooklyn item states as follows:
+
+"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."
+
+Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.
+
+The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHINESE EXPERIMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS.
+
+THE GREAT SHOE MANUFACTURER SERENELY CONTEMPLATES HIS HIVE OF CELESTIAL
+BEES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:
+
+"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."
+
+It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICAL.
+
+"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."
+
+"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what _you_ call it?--_I_ call it
+Simmer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.
+
+AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.
+
+  Sing about a Treaty
+    Got up to supply
+  Half a million Black birds
+    For the Union Pie.
+  When the fact was published,
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing
+  Said the Author's one of us--
+    Let us call him King.
+
+  FISH was at the Treasury
+    Clamoring for the money,
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"
+    Looking blithe and sunny,
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,
+    Brought things to a close--
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds
+    Vanished with the noes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.
+
+Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."
+
+A Chinese Fizzle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."
+
+JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO U,'LYSS.
+
+ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.
+
+  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YAN-KI vs. YAN-KEE.
+
+SHOWING THE DESCENT OF CELESTIAL CRISPINS UPON THE SHOEMAKERS OF THE BAY
+STATE AND HOW THEY ROBBED THE NATIVE COBBLER OF HIS _ALL_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.
+
+
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.-A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.
+
+
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.
+
+My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:
+
+"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."
+
+"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."
+
+"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."
+
+"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."
+
+He then began the follerin' histry:
+
+"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.
+
+"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.
+
+"One day this _Jerkt_ farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.
+
+"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.
+
+"He was a great advocate of Dams.
+
+"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems _pro temper_,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."
+
+"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.
+
+"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.
+
+"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."
+
+"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".
+
+He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.
+
+"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.
+
+"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.
+
+"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.
+
+"Only one bote lode was saved.
+
+"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.
+
+"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.
+
+"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.
+
+"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.
+
+"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.
+
+"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.
+
+"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.
+
+"NOAH didn't like niggers.
+
+"Not much he didn't.
+
+"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.
+
+"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he _Horris
+Greelyzed_ him in the follerin' well-known words:
+
+"Cussed be Kanan.'
+
+"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.
+
+"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.
+
+"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.
+
+"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:
+
+"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'
+
+"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,
+
+"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'
+
+"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.
+
+"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.
+
+"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.
+
+"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.
+
+"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.
+
+"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."
+
+"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"
+
+"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."
+
+"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.
+
+"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.
+
+"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.
+
+"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."
+
+The old man paused.
+
+I sprung to my feet.
+
+"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.
+
+In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:
+
+  "I want to be a contracter,
+  And with contracters share."
+
+After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.
+
+Adux, PUNCHINELLO.
+
+Ewers and so 4thly,
+
+HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, _Lait Gustise of the Peece._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL STUFF!
+
+That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.
+
+A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.
+
+Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.
+
+But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.
+
+Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.
+
+So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.
+
+There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+_rapport_ took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.
+
+[Illustration: TREES
+WATER.]
+
+As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.
+
+But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:
+
+"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."
+
+At this Mr. P. laughed right out.
+
+"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.
+
+Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?
+
+At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.
+
+For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"
+
+"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"
+
+"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"
+
+"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.
+
+"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"
+
+"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."
+
+"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+_you_ are Sycamore."
+
+"That's so," she gravely grunted.
+
+"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"
+
+At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:
+
+  "Three women came, one moonlight night,
+    And tempted me away.
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,
+    Good maiden, must you stay.
+
+  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,
+    And LUCY S. also,
+  And what a lone female can do
+    We want the world to know.
+
+  No better instance can we give,
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,
+  How woman can, year after year.
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"
+
+"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"
+
+"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."
+
+"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"
+
+He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.
+
+The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.
+
+As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.
+
+If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM CHICAGO.
+
+"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an _omelette soufflée_ presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.
+
+After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure _could_
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?
+
+We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.
+
+Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.
+
+The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a _Cardiospernum Halicactum_. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."
+
+Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.
+
+Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.
+
+Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a _casus belli_, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.
+
+Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE.
+
+WHAT'S THE USE OF GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF A VISIT TO NIAGARA FALLS, WHEN
+SUCH A GRAND SHOWER-BATH AS THIS CAN BE EXTEMPORIZED IN THE GARDEN?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTLEY MELODY.
+
+AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.
+
+  Feast-loving MOTLEY
+  Over a bottle he
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.
+  He asks not for chink,
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.
+
+  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,
+  _Amor Patriae_ leaks out as the turtle goes in.
+
+  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.
+
+  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.
+
+  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.
+
+  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.
+
+  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.
+
+THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.
+
+AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.
+
+Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.
+
+Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.
+
+People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.
+
+Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.
+
+SOOGIWOORA
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Offer an Immense Job Lot of Various
+
+DRESS GOODS,
+
+At 12-1/2 cents per yard,
+
+VIZ:
+
+PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS,
+
+Mozambiques, Printed Alpaca Lusters,
+
+FINEST QUALITY AND CHOICEST
+COLORS,
+
+BROCHE GRENADINES,
+&c., &c.
+
+OTHER DESCRIPTIONS PROPORTIONATELY LOW.
+
+THE GREATEST BARGAINS
+YET OFFERED.
+
+The above will be exhibited in the center section
+on the Fourth Avenue side.
+
+_The Residents of our Neighboring Cities are Respectfully_
+
+INVITED TO EXAMINE.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & Co.
+
+Are Offering
+
+100 PIECES HEAVY
+GROS GRAIN STRIPED SILKS,
+
+At $1.25 and $1.50 per yard; former
+price $2 and $2.50.
+
+Also,
+CHECKED, STRIPED, AND BROCHE
+
+POPLINETTES,
+
+IN LIGHT AND DARK SHADES,
+
+50 cents per yard; wholesale price, $1.
+
+A LARGE JOB LOT OF
+
+RICH SILKS,
+
+From 75 cents per yard upward.
+
+ROUBAIX SILKS, Wide,
+Reduced to $1.25 per yard.
+
+REAL CHAMBRAY GAUZES,
+Only 75 cents.
+
+The above prices have been made to suit the times,
+and to induce Customers to purchase.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & CO.
+
+Will continue to offer novelties in Linen. Lawn,
+Pique, and Organdie Suits, suitable for Street
+and Evening Wear.
+
+THE BALANCE OF THEIR
+
+Paris and Domestic Made Silk,
+Organdie and Tulle
+DRESSES,
+
+A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER, AT PRICES LESS THAN
+ONE HALF THEIR ORIGINAL COST,
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING EVERY VARIETY OF LADIES'
+AND GENTLEMEN'S
+
+FURNISHING GOODS,
+
+UNDERWEAR,
+HOSIERY, GLOVES,
+PARASOLS, UMBRELLAS,
+LINEN SHIRTS, COLLARS, CUFFS,
+&c., &c.
+
+_AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly
+Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public
+in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper
+of the kind ever published in America.
+
+CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.
+
+Subscription for one year, (with $200 premium,)               $4.00
+          "            "  six months, (without premium,)       2.00
+          "            "  three months,   "       "            1.00
+Single copies mailed free, for                                   10
+
+We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S CHROMOS
+for subscriptions as follows:
+
+A copy of paper for one year, and
+
+"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. Size 8 3-8 by
+11 1-8 ($2.00 picture,) for $4.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:
+
+Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9.
+
+Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8.
+
+Easter Morning 6-3/4 x 10-1/4 for $5.00.
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:
+
+Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8.
+
+The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14.
+
+The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13.
+
+Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:
+
+The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. (Dog and
+Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4.
+
+Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8
+
+The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2 for $7.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:
+
+Strawberries and Baskets.
+
+Cherries and Baskets.
+
+Currants. Each 13x18.
+
+Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.
+
+Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2 for $8.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and
+
+Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00 for $9.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos:
+
+Sunset in California. (Bierstadt.) 18-1/8 x 12
+
+Easter Morning. 14 x 21.
+
+Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8.
+
+Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10-1/2,
+(companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00.
+
+Remittances should be made in P.0. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks
+on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the
+first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.
+
+Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty
+cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS
+will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money.
+
+CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For
+special terms address the Company.
+
+The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the
+paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any
+one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage
+stamp.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ [Illustration: _Sidewalk Dealer_. "BUY A FINE-TOOTH COMB, MISTER--IT'LL
+KEEP YOUR HAT SMOOTH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Printing House of the United States."
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. --> All on the same premises, and under
+immediate supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO NEWS-DEALERS.
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.
+
+The Weekly Numbers for June,
+
+Bound in a Handsome Cover,
+
+Is now ready.  Price Fifty Cents.
+
+THE TRADE
+
+Supplied by the
+
+AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,
+
+Who are now prepared to receive Orders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil
+Paintings.  sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.
+
+PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory."
+Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.
+
+L. PRANG & CO., Boston
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the new
+
+ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which was issued under date of April 2.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive
+ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the
+day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless
+postage stamps are inclosed.
+
+TERMS:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance                       $4 00
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+receipt of ten cents.
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other
+magazine or paper, price $2.50, for                   5 50
+One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for  7 00
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+P.O. Box, 2783, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+The New Burlesque Serial,
+
+Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
+
+BY
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
+
+A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with
+superb illustrations of
+
+1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S
+FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.
+
+2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he
+appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the same number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office,
+free,) Ten Cents.
+
+Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4.
+
+
+Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which
+promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe
+now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.
+
+We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes
+to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9885-8.txt or 9885-8.zip *****
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>Punchinello, No. 17</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+<style type="text/css">
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+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9885]
+Release Date: February, 2006
+First Posted: October 27, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra
+Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870</h1>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="001.jpg (278K)" src="images/001.jpg" height="1150" width="761">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="002.jpg (280K)" src="images/002.jpg" height="1120" width="764">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+AN ADAPTATION.</h4>
+
+<h3>
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</h3>
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)</p>
+
+<p>
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living <i>fly</i> in <i>December</i>, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and <i>ready iced</i>, too;" and that "the pump's <i>froze</i>," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]</p>
+
+<p>The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over <i>their</i>
+equally dispiriting avocations.</p>
+
+<p>After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:</p>
+
+<p>"BLADAMS!"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.</p>
+
+<p>"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."</p>
+
+<p>Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."</p>
+
+<p>"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."</p>
+
+<p>"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."</p>
+
+<p>"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"</p>
+
+<p>"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.</p>
+
+<p>"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."</p>
+
+<p>It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.</p>
+
+<p>"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."</p>
+
+<p>EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.</p>
+
+<p>A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show <i>all</i> that
+he feels--"</p>
+
+<p>There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.</p>
+
+<p>Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.</p>
+
+<p>"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."</p>
+
+<p>"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."</p>
+
+<p>Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.</p>
+
+<p>"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."</p>
+
+<p>"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.</p>
+
+<p>When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"</p>
+
+<p>What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.</p>
+
+<p>(To be Continued.)</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE FREE BATHS.</h2>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="004a.jpg (87K)" src="images/004a.jpg" height="593" width="406">
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="004b.jpg (101K)" src="images/004b.jpg" height="617" width="410">
+</td><td>
+<p>CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.</p>
+
+<p>It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.</p>
+
+<p>We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.</p>
+
+<p>By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.</p>
+
+<p>I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.</p>
+
+<p>I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.</p>
+
+<p>It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the <i>Tannhauser</i> overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.</p>
+
+<p>FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."</p>
+
+<p>SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."</p>
+
+<p>THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."</p>
+
+<p>FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"</p>
+
+<p>FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."</p>
+
+<p>What ought a man to think of the <i>Tannhauser</i>, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.</p>
+
+<p>And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"</p>
+
+<p>FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his <i>baton</i>."</p>
+
+<p>SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."</p>
+
+<p>And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."</p>
+
+<p>While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.</p>
+
+<p>MATADOR.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.</h2>
+
+<p>For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (<i>vide</i>
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.</p>
+
+<p>For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.</p>
+
+<p>The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="005a.jpg (19K)" src="images/005a.jpg" height="197" width="623">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.</p>
+
+<p>And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="005b.jpg (24K)" src="images/005b.jpg" height="213" width="631">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>SEE THE POINT?</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.<br>
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:<br>
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."<br>
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.<br>
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="006.jpg (150K)" src="images/006.jpg" height="698" width="755">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>FOAM;[1]</h2>
+
+<h4>OR</h4>
+
+<h3>HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.</h3>
+
+<h4>
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.</h4>
+
+<p>
+<i>Played with immense success at the summer residence of</i> Gen. GRANT, <i>at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights.</i>[2]</p>
+
+<p>ACT I.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,</i> MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, <i>dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  If I'm any judge of the weather,<br>
+    The days are refreshingly hot,<br>
+  Though one place's as good as another,<br>
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;<br>
+          But where shall I go?<br>
+          Where shall I go?<br>
+          Where shall I go<br>
+              For the summer?</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Looks at table</i>.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(<i>Reflectively</i>.) I guess I'll eat. (<i>Sits down and hurts the hash.)</i></p>
+
+<p><i>(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)</i></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br>
+   Why did you go for to do so?<br>
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br>
+	Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>SERVANT GIRL. (<i>Sings</i>.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.</p>
+
+<p>WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.</p>
+
+<p>HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.</p>
+
+<p>SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>All sing</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br>
+    Why did you go for to do so?<br>
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br>
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(JENKINS <i>rises from the table and sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I've a castle in Spain,<br>
+    Filled with ingots of gold,<br>
+  I've a mine in Golconda,<br>
+    Whose wealth is untold.<br>
+  Then dry up your tears,<br>
+    Come out of your sorrow,<br>
+  I'll pay what I owe,<br>
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,<br>
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,<br>
+    All that I owe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  We feel, we feel, we feel,<br>
+    We feel like a young typhoon;<br>
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,<br>
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Exeunt Servant-girl, et al</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq.</i>)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(<i>Puts things in his valise. Sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  It's rich that I am, am I not?<br>
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;<br>
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,<br>
+  Both are for fixing my dome,<br>
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,<br>
+  My baggage's conveniently small.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet <i>Tribune</i>, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (<i>Shoves paper in valise</i>.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(<i>Puts them on</i>.) Off I go. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I'm off, I'm off,<br>
+  I'm off for Long Branch,<br>
+  I'll have a jolly old time,<br>
+  I'll have a jolly old time,<br>
+  I'll bathe in the surf,<br>
+  I'll ride on the turf,<br>
+  Dance with the girls,<br>
+  Steal all their pearls,<br>
+  And have a jolly old time.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Exit</i> JENKINS)</p>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i></p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT II.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity.</i></p>
+
+<p>[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]</p>
+
+<p><i>As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing</i>:</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+<p>  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!<br>
+          Hark, as we holler,<br>
+          Six for a dollar,<br>
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p><i>Real scream from steam whistle.</i> JENKINS <i>obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when</i> JENKINS <i>reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by</i>
+JENKINS, <i>twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i></p>
+
+<p>[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]</p>
+
+<p>(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT III.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter</i>
+JENKINS, <i>disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:</i></p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Gaily the troubadour<br>
+    Touched his or-gan,<br>
+  As he came staggering<br>
+    Home with a can--</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Numerous heads put out of numerous windows</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Window.</i> Stop that howling!</p>
+
+<p><i>2d</i>   "      Dry up, you idiot!</p>
+
+<p><i>3d</i>   "      Cork that organ!</p>
+
+<p><i>4th</i>  "      Bust that music-box!</p>
+
+<p>(And so on, <i>ad infinitum</i>, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Windows shut. Enter</i> JULIETTE, <i>from window</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (<i>She rests on his bosom</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I never loved him in my life,<br>
+    I never loved his baby,<br>
+  I'll slip out some dark night,<br>
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Sings:</i>)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Pretty maid, if I kiss,<br>
+    Will you faint away,<br>
+  Will you cry for your pa,<br>
+    Pretty maiden, say?<br>
+  If I press dainty lips,<br>
+    Will you make a screech?<br>
+  If you do, I'll away,<br>
+    And you cannot peach.</p>
+
+<p>      Pretty maid, do not faint,<br>
+        Charming little belle,<br>
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,<br>
+        Do not kiss and tell.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p>(<i>He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  You are going far away,<br>
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,<br>
+  And there's no one left to love me now,<br>
+  I fear you'll too forget.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks</i> JENKINS, <i>Heavy
+Father then seizes</i> JULIETTE <i>and leads her into house</i>. JENKINS
+<i>skedaddles</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> JENKINS <i>at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings</i>:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  I went, I went,<br>
+  As meek as any lamb,<br>
+  He took me, yes, he took me<br>
+  For some other man.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i>.</p>
+
+<p>(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)</p>
+
+<p>Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."</p>
+
+<p>After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."</p>
+
+<p>LOT.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="007.jpg (118K)" src="images/007.jpg" height="552" width="607">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ON DORGS.</h2>
+<br>
+
+<p>Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.</p>
+
+<p>A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his <i>canis</i> in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.</p>
+
+<p>Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.</p>
+
+<p>I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.</p>
+
+<p>I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, <i>alias</i> puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.</p>
+
+<p>I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.</p>
+
+<p>Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.</p>
+
+<p>As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."</p>
+
+<p>BILL BISCAY.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.</h2>
+
+<p>Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE RIGHT MAN.</h2>
+
+<p>A Brooklyn item states as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."</p>
+
+<p>Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.</h2>
+
+<p>The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="008.jpg (299K)" src="images/008.jpg" height="1141" width="709">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2>
+
+<p>It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<p>The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:</p>
+
+<p>"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."</p>
+
+<p>It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CRITICAL.</h2>
+
+<p>"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."</p>
+
+<p>"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what <i>you</i> call it?--<i>I</i> call it
+Simmer."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>PERSONAL.</h2>
+
+<p>PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.</h2>
+
+<h3>AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Sing about a Treaty<br>
+    Got up to supply<br>
+  Half a million Black birds<br>
+    For the Union Pie.<br>
+  When the fact was published,<br>
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing<br>
+  Said the Author's one of us--<br>
+    Let us call him King.</p>
+
+<p>  FISH was at the Treasury<br>
+    Clamoring for the money,<br>
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"<br>
+    Looking blithe and sunny,<br>
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,<br>
+    Brought things to a close--<br>
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds<br>
+    Vanished with the noes.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.</h2>
+
+<p>Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."</h2>
+
+<p>A Chinese Fizzle.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."</h2>
+
+<p>JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>TO U,'LYSS.</h2>
+
+<p>ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,<br>
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.<br>
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;<br>
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="009.jpg (288K)" src="images/009.jpg" height="718" width="949">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.--A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.</h4>
+
+<p>
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.</p>
+
+<p>My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:</p>
+
+<p>"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."</p>
+
+<p>"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."</p>
+
+<p>He then began the follerin' histry:</p>
+
+<p>"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.</p>
+
+<p>"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.</p>
+
+<p>"One day this <i>Jerkt</i> farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.</p>
+
+<p>"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.</p>
+
+<p>"He was a great advocate of Dams.</p>
+
+<p>"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems <i>pro temper</i>,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."</p>
+
+<p>"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.</p>
+
+<p>"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.</p>
+
+<p>"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON &amp; ANNER DICKINSON."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".</p>
+
+<p>He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.</p>
+
+<p>"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.</p>
+
+<p>"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.</p>
+
+<p>"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.</p>
+
+<p>"Only one bote lode was saved.</p>
+
+<p>"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.</p>
+
+<p>"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.</p>
+
+<p>"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.</p>
+
+<p>"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.</p>
+
+<p>"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.</p>
+
+<p>"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.</p>
+
+<p>"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.</p>
+
+<p>"NOAH didn't like niggers.</p>
+
+<p>"Not much he didn't.</p>
+
+<p>"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.</p>
+
+<p>"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he <i>Horris
+Greelyzed</i> him in the follerin' well-known words:</p>
+
+<p>"Cussed be Kanan.'</p>
+
+<p>"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.</p>
+
+<p>"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.</p>
+
+<p>"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.</p>
+
+<p>"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:</p>
+
+<p>"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'</p>
+
+<p>"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,</p>
+
+<p>"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'</p>
+
+<p>"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.</p>
+
+<p>"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.</p>
+
+<p>"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.</p>
+
+<p>"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.</p>
+
+<p>"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.</p>
+
+<p>"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."</p>
+
+<p>"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"</p>
+
+<p>"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."</p>
+
+<p>"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.</p>
+
+<p>"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.</p>
+
+<p>"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."</p>
+
+<p>The old man paused.</p>
+
+<p>I sprung to my feet.</p>
+
+<p>"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.</p>
+
+<p>In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  "I want to be a contracter,<br>
+  And with contracters share."</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p>After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.</p>
+
+<p>Adux, PUNCHINELLO.</p>
+
+<p>Ewers and so 4thly,</p>
+
+<p>HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, <i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ALL STUFF!</h2>
+
+<p>That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.</h2>
+
+<p>A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.</p>
+
+<p>But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h4>
+
+<p>
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.</p>
+
+<p>So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.</p>
+
+<p>There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+<i>rapport</i> took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012a.jpg (50K)" src="images/012a.jpg" height="191" width="673">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.</p>
+
+<p>But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012b.jpg (105K)" src="images/012b.jpg" height="446" width="676">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:</p>
+
+<p>"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."</p>
+
+<p>At this Mr. P. laughed right out.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.</p>
+
+<p>Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?</p>
+
+<p>At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.</p>
+
+<p>For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012c.jpg (96K)" src="images/012c.jpg" height="430" width="693">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"</p>
+
+<p>"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."</p>
+
+<p>"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+<i>you</i> are Sycamore."</p>
+
+<p>"That's so," she gravely grunted.</p>
+
+<p>"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"</p>
+
+<p>At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  "Three women came, one moonlight night,<br>
+    And tempted me away.<br>
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,<br>
+    Good maiden, must you stay.</p>
+
+<p>  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,<br>
+    And LUCY S. also,<br>
+  And what a lone female can do<br>
+    We want the world to know.</p>
+
+<p>  No better instance can we give,<br>
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,<br>
+  How woman can, year after year.<br>
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"</p>
+
+<p>He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.</p>
+
+<p>The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.</p>
+
+<p>As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.</p>
+
+<p>If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>NOTES FROM CHICAGO.</h2>
+
+<p>"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an <i>omelette soufflée</i> presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.</p>
+
+<p>After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure <i>could</i>
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?</p>
+
+<p>We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.</p>
+
+<p>Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.</p>
+
+<p>The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a <i>Cardiospernum Halicactum</i>. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."</p>
+
+<p>Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.</p>
+
+<p>Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2>
+
+<h4>GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.</h4>
+
+<p>Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a <i>casus belli</i>, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.</p>
+
+<p>Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="014.jpg (232K)" src="images/014.jpg" height="828" width="655">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>A MOTLEY MELODY.</h2>
+
+<h4>AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.</h4>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Feast-loving MOTLEY<br>
+  Over a bottle he<br>
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.<br>
+  He asks not for chink,<br>
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,<br>
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,<br>
+  <i>Amor Patriae</i> leaks out as the turtle goes in.</p>
+
+<p>  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All<br>
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.</p>
+
+<p>  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave<br>
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.</p>
+
+<p>  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape<br>
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.</p>
+
+<p>  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,<br>
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.</p>
+
+<p>  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs<br>
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.</h2>
+
+<p>THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.</h2>
+
+<p>AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.</h2>
+
+<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.</p>
+
+<p>Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.</p>
+
+<p>Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.</p>
+
+<p>People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.</p>
+
+<p>Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.</p>
+
+<p>SOOGIWOORA</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="015.jpg (249K)" src="images/015.jpg" height="1112" width="759">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="016.jpg (251K)" src="images/016.jpg" height="1110" width="755">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9885-h.htm or 9885-h.zip *****
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,2776 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9885]
+Release Date: February, 2006
+First Posted: October 27, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra
+Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Vol. I. No. 17.]
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+Continued in this Number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Novels.
+
+Only a Girl. A Romance from the German, by Mrs. A.L. WISTER. 12mo, cloth,
+$2.
+
+Bound Down; or, Life and its Possibilities. By ANNA M. FITCH. A Novel.
+2mo, fine cloth, $1.50.
+
+Henry Courtland; or, What a Farmer can Do. By A.J. CLINE. 12mo, fine
+cloth, $1.75.
+
+Carlino. A Novel. By the Author of "Dr. Antonio." Illustrated. 8vo, paper
+cover, 50 cents.
+
+Rougegorge and other Short Stories. By H.P. SPOFFORD, ALICE CARY, LUCY H.
+HOOPER, JANE G. AUSTIN, A.L. WISTER, etc. With Frontispiece. 8vo, paper,
+50 cents.
+
+--> For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent by mail, postage free,
+on receipt of price, by
+
+J.B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., Publishers,
+715 and 717 Market St., Philadelphia,
+And 449 Broome Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONANT'S
+
+PATENT BINDERS
+FOR
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on receipt of
+one Dollar, by
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street, New York City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"
+
+we recommend for Bank and Office use.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for United States.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY.
+
+TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS
+
+Foot of Chambers Street
+
+and
+
+Foot of Twenty-Third Street,
+
+AS FOLLOWS:
+
+Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30
+P.M., and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M.,
+and 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches
+will accompany the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting
+at Hornellsville with magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to
+Cleveland and Galion. Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train
+from Susquehanna to Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to
+Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and
+Cincinnati. An Emigrant train leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.
+
+FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third
+Street, *11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.);
+and, Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)
+
+FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third
+Street 7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45
+and 5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)
+
+FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and
+11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at
+6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at 8:45
+and 11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers
+Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45
+P.M.
+
+FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at
+8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only,
+{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30,
+4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight.
+
+Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping
+Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of
+Baggage may be left at the
+
+COMPANY'S OFFICES:
+
+241, 529, and 957 Broadway.
+205 Chambers Street.
+Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem.
+338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn.
+Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot
+of Twenty-third Street, New York.
+3 Exchange Place.
+Long Dock Depot, Jersey City,
+And of the Agents at the principal Hotels
+
+WM. R. BARR,
+_General Passenger Agent._
+
+L. D. RUCKER,
+_General Superintendent._
+
+* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only.
+
+May 2D, 1870.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRESH NOVELS,
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+STERN NECESSITY. By F.W. ROBINSON, Author of "Poor Humanity," "Mattie: a
+Stray," "For Her Sake," "Carry's Confession," "No Man's Friend," &c. 8vo,
+Paper, 50 cents.
+
+GWENDOLINE'S HARVEST. By the Author of "Carlyon's Year," "One of the
+Family," "Found Dead," "A Beggar on Horseback," &c. 8vo, Paper, 25 cents.
+
+PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE. By CHARLES READE, Author of "Hard Cash,"
+"Griffith Gaunt," &c., &c. FROM THE AUTHOR'S EARLY SHEETS.
+
+HARPER'S OCTAVO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." With all the
+Illustrations, including the characteristic Vignettes not to be found in
+any other American edition. Paper 75 cents; BOUND IN CLOTH, $1.25.
+
+HARPER'S DUODECIMO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." Uniform with
+the Boston Household Edition of Charles Reade's Novels, and bound in
+Green-Morocco English Cloth, to match that edition. Illustrated. Price
+$1.00.
+
+--> ALL HARPER'S EDITIONS OF "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE" are Illustrated.
+
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+
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+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESTABLISHED 1886.
+
+JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D.} Editors
+WX. J. ROLFE, A. M.  }
+
+Boston Journal of Chemistry.
+
+Devoted to the Science of
+HOME LIFE,
+
+The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine.
+
+$1.00 Per Year.
+
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+Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,
+
+150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. B. BOWLEND,
+
+Draughtsman & Designer
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)
+
+
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.
+
+[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living _fly_ in _December_, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and _ready iced_, too;" and that "the pump's _froze_," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]
+
+The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over _their_
+equally dispiriting avocations.
+
+After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:
+
+"BLADAMS!"
+
+"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.
+
+"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."
+
+Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."
+
+"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."
+
+"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.
+
+"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."
+
+"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"
+
+"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.
+
+"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."
+
+"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.
+
+"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."
+
+It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.
+
+"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."
+
+EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.
+
+A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"
+
+"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show _all_ that
+he feels--"
+
+There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.
+
+Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.
+
+"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."
+
+"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.
+
+"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."
+
+Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.
+
+"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."
+
+"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.
+
+When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"
+
+What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.
+
+(To be Continued.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FREE BATHS.
+
+[Illustration: 'P']
+
+PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration: 'C']
+
+CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.
+
+It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.
+
+We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.
+
+It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.
+
+By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.
+
+I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.
+
+I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.
+
+It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the _Tannhauser_ overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.
+
+FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."
+
+SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."
+
+THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."
+
+FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"
+
+FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."
+
+What ought a man to think of the _Tannhauser_, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.
+
+And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"
+
+FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his _baton_."
+
+SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."
+
+And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."
+
+While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.
+
+For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (_vide_
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.
+
+For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.
+
+And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?
+
+Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employe; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEE THE POINT?
+
+  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: No, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE "BLONDES". THIS IS FITZ
+FADDLE, WHOSE CLOTHES WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS BATHING, AND WHO HAS
+CONVERTED HIS UMBRELLA INTO A TEMPORARY GARMENT, CLOTHED IN WHICH HE IS
+MAKING HIS WAY TO HIS HOTEL. THE REASON WHY HE WHISTLES IS TO LOOK AS IF
+HE DIDN'T CARE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOAM;[1]
+
+OR
+
+HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.
+
+
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.
+
+
+_Played with immense success at the summer residence of_ Gen. GRANT, _at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights._[2]
+
+ACT I.
+
+_Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,_ MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, _dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (_Sings_:)
+
+  If I'm any judge of the weather,
+    The days are refreshingly hot,
+  Though one place's as good as another,
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;
+          But where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go
+              For the summer?
+
+(_Looks at table_.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(_Reflectively_.) I guess I'll eat. (_Sits down and hurts the hash.)
+
+(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)_
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+   Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+   Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+SERVANT GIRL. (_Sings_.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.
+
+WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.
+
+HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.
+
+SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.
+
+(_All sing_:)
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+    Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+(JENKINS _rises from the table and sings_:)
+
+  I've a castle in Spain,
+    Filled with ingots of gold,
+  I've a mine in Golconda,
+    Whose wealth is untold.
+  Then dry up your tears,
+    Come out of your sorrow,
+  I'll pay what I owe,
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,
+    All that I owe.
+
+(_Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing_:)
+
+  We feel, we feel, we feel,
+    We feel like a young typhoon;
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.
+
+(_Exeunt Servant-girl, et al_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq._)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(_Puts things in his valise. Sings_:)
+
+  It's rich that I am, am I not?
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,
+  Both are for fixing my dome,
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,
+  My baggage's conveniently small.
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet _Tribune_, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (_Shoves paper in valise_.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(_Puts them on_.) Off I go. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I'm off, I'm off,
+  I'm off for Long Branch,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll bathe in the surf,
+  I'll ride on the turf,
+  Dance with the girls,
+  Steal all their pearls,
+  And have a jolly old time.
+
+(_Exit_ JENKINS)
+
+_Curtain_
+
+[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]
+
+[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]
+
+[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+_Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity._
+
+[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]
+
+_As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing_:
+
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+          Hark, as we holler,
+          Six for a dollar,
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+
+_Real scream from steam whistle._ JENKINS _obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when_ JENKINS _reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by_
+JENKINS, _twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.
+
+Curtain_
+
+[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]
+
+(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+_Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter_
+JENKINS, _disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:_
+
+  Gaily the troubadour
+    Touched his or-gan,
+  As he came staggering
+    Home with a can--
+
+(_Numerous heads put out of numerous windows_.)
+
+[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]
+
+_1st Window._ Stop that howling!
+
+_2d_   "      Dry up, you idiot!
+
+_3d_   "      Cork that organ!
+
+_4th_  "      Bust that music-box!
+
+(And so on, _ad infinitum_, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)
+
+(_Windows shut. Enter_ JULIETTE, _from window_.)
+
+JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!
+
+JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!
+
+JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (_She rests on his bosom_.)
+
+JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I never loved him in my life,
+    I never loved his baby,
+  I'll slip out some dark night,
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.
+
+JENKINS. (_Sings:_)
+
+  Pretty maid, if I kiss,
+    Will you faint away,
+  Will you cry for your pa,
+    Pretty maiden, say?
+  If I press dainty lips,
+    Will you make a screech?
+  If you do, I'll away,
+    And you cannot peach.
+
+      Pretty maid, do not faint,
+        Charming little belle,
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,
+        Do not kiss and tell.
+
+(_He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge_.)
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  You are going far away,
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,
+  And there's no one left to love me now,
+  I fear you'll too forget.
+
+(_Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks_ JENKINS, _Heavy
+Father then seizes_ JULIETTE _and leads her into house_. JENKINS
+_skedaddles_.)
+
+_Enter_ JENKINS _at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings_:
+
+  I went, I went,
+  As meek as any lamb,
+  He took me, yes, he took me
+  For some other man.
+
+_Curtain_.
+
+(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)
+
+Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."
+
+After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."
+
+LOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ILL-BRED DOGS.
+
+WEST-POINTERS, SETTING AT A BLACKBIRD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON DORGS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.
+
+A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his _canis_ in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.
+
+Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.
+
+I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.
+
+I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, _alias_ puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.
+
+I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.
+
+Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.
+
+As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.
+
+Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHT MAN.
+
+A Brooklyn item states as follows:
+
+"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."
+
+Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.
+
+The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHINESE EXPERIMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS.
+
+THE GREAT SHOE MANUFACTURER SERENELY CONTEMPLATES HIS HIVE OF CELESTIAL
+BEES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:
+
+"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."
+
+It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICAL.
+
+"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."
+
+"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what _you_ call it?--_I_ call it
+Simmer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.
+
+AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.
+
+  Sing about a Treaty
+    Got up to supply
+  Half a million Black birds
+    For the Union Pie.
+  When the fact was published,
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing
+  Said the Author's one of us--
+    Let us call him King.
+
+  FISH was at the Treasury
+    Clamoring for the money,
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"
+    Looking blithe and sunny,
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,
+    Brought things to a close--
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds
+    Vanished with the noes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.
+
+Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."
+
+A Chinese Fizzle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."
+
+JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO U,'LYSS.
+
+ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.
+
+  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YAN-KI vs. YAN-KEE.
+
+SHOWING THE DESCENT OF CELESTIAL CRISPINS UPON THE SHOEMAKERS OF THE BAY
+STATE AND HOW THEY ROBBED THE NATIVE COBBLER OF HIS _ALL_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.
+
+
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.-A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.
+
+
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.
+
+My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:
+
+"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."
+
+"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."
+
+"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."
+
+"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."
+
+He then began the follerin' histry:
+
+"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.
+
+"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.
+
+"One day this _Jerkt_ farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.
+
+"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.
+
+"He was a great advocate of Dams.
+
+"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems _pro temper_,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."
+
+"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.
+
+"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.
+
+"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."
+
+"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".
+
+He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.
+
+"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.
+
+"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.
+
+"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.
+
+"Only one bote lode was saved.
+
+"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.
+
+"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.
+
+"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.
+
+"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.
+
+"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.
+
+"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.
+
+"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.
+
+"NOAH didn't like niggers.
+
+"Not much he didn't.
+
+"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.
+
+"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he _Horris
+Greelyzed_ him in the follerin' well-known words:
+
+"Cussed be Kanan.'
+
+"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.
+
+"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.
+
+"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.
+
+"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:
+
+"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'
+
+"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,
+
+"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'
+
+"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.
+
+"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.
+
+"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.
+
+"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.
+
+"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.
+
+"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."
+
+"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"
+
+"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."
+
+"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.
+
+"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.
+
+"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.
+
+"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."
+
+The old man paused.
+
+I sprung to my feet.
+
+"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.
+
+In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:
+
+  "I want to be a contracter,
+  And with contracters share."
+
+After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.
+
+Adux, PUNCHINELLO.
+
+Ewers and so 4thly,
+
+HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, _Lait Gustise of the Peece._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL STUFF!
+
+That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.
+
+A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.
+
+Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.
+
+But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.
+
+Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.
+
+So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.
+
+There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+_rapport_ took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.
+
+[Illustration: TREES
+WATER.]
+
+As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.
+
+But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:
+
+"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."
+
+At this Mr. P. laughed right out.
+
+"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.
+
+Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?
+
+At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.
+
+For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"
+
+"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"
+
+"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"
+
+"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.
+
+"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"
+
+"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."
+
+"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+_you_ are Sycamore."
+
+"That's so," she gravely grunted.
+
+"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"
+
+At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:
+
+  "Three women came, one moonlight night,
+    And tempted me away.
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,
+    Good maiden, must you stay.
+
+  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,
+    And LUCY S. also,
+  And what a lone female can do
+    We want the world to know.
+
+  No better instance can we give,
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,
+  How woman can, year after year.
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"
+
+"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"
+
+"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."
+
+"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"
+
+He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.
+
+The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.
+
+As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.
+
+If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM CHICAGO.
+
+"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an _omelette soufflee_ presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.
+
+After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure _could_
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?
+
+We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.
+
+Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.
+
+The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a _Cardiospernum Halicactum_. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."
+
+Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.
+
+Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.
+
+Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a _casus belli_, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.
+
+Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE.
+
+WHAT'S THE USE OF GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF A VISIT TO NIAGARA FALLS, WHEN
+SUCH A GRAND SHOWER-BATH AS THIS CAN BE EXTEMPORIZED IN THE GARDEN?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTLEY MELODY.
+
+AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.
+
+  Feast-loving MOTLEY
+  Over a bottle he
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.
+  He asks not for chink,
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.
+
+  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,
+  _Amor Patriae_ leaks out as the turtle goes in.
+
+  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.
+
+  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.
+
+  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.
+
+  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.
+
+  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.
+
+THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.
+
+AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.
+
+Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.
+
+Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.
+
+People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.
+
+Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.
+
+SOOGIWOORA
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Offer an Immense Job Lot of Various
+
+DRESS GOODS,
+
+At 12-1/2 cents per yard,
+
+VIZ:
+
+PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS,
+
+Mozambiques, Printed Alpaca Lusters,
+
+FINEST QUALITY AND CHOICEST
+COLORS,
+
+BROCHE GRENADINES,
+&c., &c.
+
+OTHER DESCRIPTIONS PROPORTIONATELY LOW.
+
+THE GREATEST BARGAINS
+YET OFFERED.
+
+The above will be exhibited in the center section
+on the Fourth Avenue side.
+
+_The Residents of our Neighboring Cities are Respectfully_
+
+INVITED TO EXAMINE.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & Co.
+
+Are Offering
+
+100 PIECES HEAVY
+GROS GRAIN STRIPED SILKS,
+
+At $1.25 and $1.50 per yard; former
+price $2 and $2.50.
+
+Also,
+CHECKED, STRIPED, AND BROCHE
+
+POPLINETTES,
+
+IN LIGHT AND DARK SHADES,
+
+50 cents per yard; wholesale price, $1.
+
+A LARGE JOB LOT OF
+
+RICH SILKS,
+
+From 75 cents per yard upward.
+
+ROUBAIX SILKS, Wide,
+Reduced to $1.25 per yard.
+
+REAL CHAMBRAY GAUZES,
+Only 75 cents.
+
+The above prices have been made to suit the times,
+and to induce Customers to purchase.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & CO.
+
+Will continue to offer novelties in Linen. Lawn,
+Pique, and Organdie Suits, suitable for Street
+and Evening Wear.
+
+THE BALANCE OF THEIR
+
+Paris and Domestic Made Silk,
+Organdie and Tulle
+DRESSES,
+
+A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER, AT PRICES LESS THAN
+ONE HALF THEIR ORIGINAL COST,
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING EVERY VARIETY OF LADIES'
+AND GENTLEMEN'S
+
+FURNISHING GOODS,
+
+UNDERWEAR,
+HOSIERY, GLOVES,
+PARASOLS, UMBRELLAS,
+LINEN SHIRTS, COLLARS, CUFFS,
+&c., &c.
+
+_AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly
+Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public
+in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper
+of the kind ever published in America.
+
+CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.
+
+Subscription for one year, (with $200 premium,)               $4.00
+          "            "  six months, (without premium,)       2.00
+          "            "  three months,   "       "            1.00
+Single copies mailed free, for                                   10
+
+We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S CHROMOS
+for subscriptions as follows:
+
+A copy of paper for one year, and
+
+"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. Size 8 3-8 by
+11 1-8 ($2.00 picture,) for $4.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:
+
+Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9.
+
+Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8.
+
+Easter Morning 6-3/4 x 10-1/4 for $5.00.
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:
+
+Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8.
+
+The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14.
+
+The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13.
+
+Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:
+
+The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. (Dog and
+Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4.
+
+Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8
+
+The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2 for $7.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:
+
+Strawberries and Baskets.
+
+Cherries and Baskets.
+
+Currants. Each 13x18.
+
+Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.
+
+Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2 for $8.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and
+
+Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00 for $9.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos:
+
+Sunset in California. (Bierstadt.) 18-1/8 x 12
+
+Easter Morning. 14 x 21.
+
+Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8.
+
+Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10-1/2,
+(companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00.
+
+Remittances should be made in P.0. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks
+on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the
+first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.
+
+Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty
+cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS
+will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money.
+
+CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For
+special terms address the Company.
+
+The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the
+paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any
+one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage
+stamp.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ [Illustration: _Sidewalk Dealer_. "BUY A FINE-TOOTH COMB, MISTER--IT'LL
+KEEP YOUR HAT SMOOTH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Printing House of the United States."
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. --> All on the same premises, and under
+immediate supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO NEWS-DEALERS.
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.
+
+The Weekly Numbers for June,
+
+Bound in a Handsome Cover,
+
+Is now ready.  Price Fifty Cents.
+
+THE TRADE
+
+Supplied by the
+
+AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,
+
+Who are now prepared to receive Orders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil
+Paintings.  sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.
+
+PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory."
+Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.
+
+L. PRANG & CO., Boston
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the new
+
+ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which was issued under date of April 2.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive
+ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the
+day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless
+postage stamps are inclosed.
+
+TERMS:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance                       $4 00
+Single copies                                           10
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the
+receipt of ten cents.
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other
+magazine or paper, price $2.50, for                   5 50
+One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for  7 00
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+P.O. Box, 2783, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+The New Burlesque Serial,
+
+Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
+
+BY
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
+
+A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with
+superb illustrations of
+
+1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S
+FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.
+
+2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he
+appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the same number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office,
+free,) Ten Cents.
+
+Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4.
+
+
+Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which
+promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe
+now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.
+
+We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes
+to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9885.txt or 9885.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
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+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9885]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 27, 2003]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Vol. I. No. 17.]
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+Continued in this Number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Novels.
+
+Only a Girl. A Romance from the German, by Mrs. A.L. WISTER. 12mo, cloth,
+$2.
+
+Bound Down; or, Life and its Possibilities. By ANNA M. FITCH. A Novel.
+2mo, fine cloth, $1.50.
+
+Henry Courtland; or, What a Farmer can Do. By A.J. CLINE. 12mo, fine
+cloth, $1.75.
+
+Carlino. A Novel. By the Author of "Dr. Antonio." Illustrated. 8vo, paper
+cover, 50 cents.
+
+Rougegorge and other Short Stories. By H.P. SPOFFORD, ALICE CARY, LUCY H.
+HOOPER, JANE G. AUSTIN, A.L. WISTER, etc. With Frontispiece. 8vo, paper,
+50 cents.
+
+--> For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent by mail, postage free,
+on receipt of price, by
+
+J.B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., Publishers,
+715 and 717 Market St., Philadelphia,
+And 449 Broome Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONANT'S
+
+PATENT BINDERS
+FOR
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on receipt of
+one Dollar, by
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street, New York City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"
+
+we recommend for Bank and Office use.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for United States.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY.
+
+TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS
+
+Foot of Chambers Street
+
+and
+
+Foot of Twenty-Third Street,
+
+AS FOLLOWS:
+
+Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30
+P.M., and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M.,
+and 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches
+will accompany the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting
+at Hornellsville with magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to
+Cleveland and Galion. Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train
+from Susquehanna to Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to
+Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and
+Cincinnati. An Emigrant train leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.
+
+FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third
+Street, *11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.);
+and, Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)
+
+FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third
+Street 7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45
+and 5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)
+
+FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and
+11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at
+6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at 8:45
+and 11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers
+Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45
+P.M.
+
+FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at
+8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only,
+{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30,
+4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight.
+
+Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping
+Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of
+Baggage may be left at the
+
+COMPANY'S OFFICES:
+
+241, 529, and 957 Broadway.
+205 Chambers Street.
+Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem.
+338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn.
+Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot
+of Twenty-third Street, New York.
+3 Exchange Place.
+Long Dock Depot, Jersey City,
+And of the Agents at the principal Hotels
+
+WM. R. BARR,
+_General Passenger Agent._
+
+L. D. RUCKER,
+_General Superintendent._
+
+* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only.
+
+May 2D, 1870.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRESH NOVELS,
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+STERN NECESSITY. By F.W. ROBINSON, Author of "Poor Humanity," "Mattie: a
+Stray," "For Her Sake," "Carry's Confession," "No Man's Friend," &c. 8vo,
+Paper, 50 cents.
+
+GWENDOLINE'S HARVEST. By the Author of "Carlyon's Year," "One of the
+Family," "Found Dead," "A Beggar on Horseback," &c. 8vo, Paper, 25 cents.
+
+PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE. By CHARLES READE, Author of "Hard Cash,"
+"Griffith Gaunt," &c., &c. FROM THE AUTHOR'S EARLY SHEETS.
+
+HARPER'S OCTAVO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." With all the
+Illustrations, including the characteristic Vignettes not to be found in
+any other American edition. Paper 75 cents; BOUND IN CLOTH, $1.25.
+
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+the Boston Household Edition of Charles Reade's Novels, and bound in
+Green-Morocco English Cloth, to match that edition. Illustrated. Price
+$1.00.
+
+--> ALL HARPER'S EDITIONS OF "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE" are Illustrated.
+
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+"Castle Richmond," "Framley Parsonage," "Orley Farm," "Small House at
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+
+MISS VAN KORTLAND. A Novel of American Society. By the Author of "My
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+
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+50 cents.
+
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+Dormer's Story," "The Search for the Gral," &c. Illustrated. 8vo, Paper,
+75 cents.
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+illustrations by Arthur Hughes and Sidney Prior Hall. 8vo, Paper,
+50 cents.
+
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+"Half a Million of Money," "Miss Carew," &c., &c. Illustrated. 8vo,
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+
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+
+--> HARPER & BROTHERS WILL SEND EITHER OF THE ABOVE WORKS BY MAIL,
+ POSTAGE PREPAID, TO ANY PART OF THE UNITED STATES, ON THE RECEIPT OF THE
+PRICE.
+
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+
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+
+33 BROADWAY,
+NEW YORK.
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._
+EDWARD HOGAN, }
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKERSON,
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+[P.O. Box 2845.] 20-22 Gold Street,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIBBLEEANIA,
+
+AND
+
+Japonica Juice,
+
+FOR THE HAIR.
+
+The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds
+ever offered to the public for the
+
+Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c.
+
+For consultation, apply at
+
+WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,
+
+Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.
+
+854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOLEY'S
+GOLD PENS.
+
+THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.
+
+256 BROADWAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+$2 to ALBANY and TROY.
+
+The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31,
+will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m.,
+landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West
+Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill,
+Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in
+connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany
+(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and
+for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from
+Albany to Troy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESTABLISHED 1886.
+
+JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D.} Editors
+WX. J. ROLFE, A. M.  }
+
+Boston Journal of Chemistry.
+
+Devoted to the Science of
+HOME LIFE,
+
+The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine.
+
+$1.00 Per Year.
+
+_Journal and Punchinello (without Premium_) $4.00.
+
+SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY.
+
+Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,
+
+150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. B. BOWLEND,
+
+Draughtsman & Designer
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)
+
+
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.
+
+[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living _fly_ in _December_, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and _ready iced_, too;" and that "the pump's _froze_," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]
+
+The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over _their_
+equally dispiriting avocations.
+
+After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:
+
+"BLADAMS!"
+
+"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.
+
+"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."
+
+Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."
+
+"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."
+
+"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.
+
+"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."
+
+"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"
+
+"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.
+
+"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."
+
+"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.
+
+"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."
+
+It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.
+
+"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."
+
+EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.
+
+A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"
+
+"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show _all_ that
+he feels--"
+
+There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.
+
+Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.
+
+"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."
+
+"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.
+
+"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."
+
+Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.
+
+"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."
+
+"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.
+
+When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"
+
+What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.
+
+(To be Continued.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FREE BATHS.
+
+[Illustration: 'P']
+
+PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration: 'C']
+
+CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.
+
+It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.
+
+We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.
+
+It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.
+
+By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.
+
+I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.
+
+I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.
+
+It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the _Tannhauser_ overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.
+
+FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."
+
+SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."
+
+THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."
+
+FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"
+
+FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."
+
+What ought a man to think of the _Tannhauser_, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.
+
+And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"
+
+FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his _baton_."
+
+SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."
+
+And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."
+
+While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.
+
+For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (_vide_
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.
+
+For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.
+
+And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?
+
+Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employe; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEE THE POINT?
+
+  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: No, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE "BLONDES". THIS IS FITZ
+FADDLE, WHOSE CLOTHES WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS BATHING, AND WHO HAS
+CONVERTED HIS UMBRELLA INTO A TEMPORARY GARMENT, CLOTHED IN WHICH HE IS
+MAKING HIS WAY TO HIS HOTEL. THE REASON WHY HE WHISTLES IS TO LOOK AS IF
+HE DIDN'T CARE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOAM;[1]
+
+OR
+
+HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.
+
+
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.
+
+
+_Played with immense success at the summer residence of_ Gen. GRANT, _at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights._[2]
+
+ACT I.
+
+_Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,_ MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, _dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (_Sings_:)
+
+  If I'm any judge of the weather,
+    The days are refreshingly hot,
+  Though one place's as good as another,
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;
+          But where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go
+              For the summer?
+
+(_Looks at table_.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(_Reflectively_.) I guess I'll eat. (_Sits down and hurts the hash.)
+
+(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)_
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+   Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+   Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+SERVANT GIRL. (_Sings_.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.
+
+WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.
+
+HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.
+
+SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.
+
+(_All sing_:)
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+    Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+(JENKINS _rises from the table and sings_:)
+
+  I've a castle in Spain,
+    Filled with ingots of gold,
+  I've a mine in Golconda,
+    Whose wealth is untold.
+  Then dry up your tears,
+    Come out of your sorrow,
+  I'll pay what I owe,
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,
+    All that I owe.
+
+(_Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing_:)
+
+  We feel, we feel, we feel,
+    We feel like a young typhoon;
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.
+
+(_Exeunt Servant-girl, et al_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq._)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(_Puts things in his valise. Sings_:)
+
+  It's rich that I am, am I not?
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,
+  Both are for fixing my dome,
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,
+  My baggage's conveniently small.
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet _Tribune_, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (_Shoves paper in valise_.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(_Puts them on_.) Off I go. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I'm off, I'm off,
+  I'm off for Long Branch,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll bathe in the surf,
+  I'll ride on the turf,
+  Dance with the girls,
+  Steal all their pearls,
+  And have a jolly old time.
+
+(_Exit_ JENKINS)
+
+_Curtain_
+
+[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]
+
+[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]
+
+[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+_Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity._
+
+[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]
+
+_As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing_:
+
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+          Hark, as we holler,
+          Six for a dollar,
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+
+_Real scream from steam whistle._ JENKINS _obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when_ JENKINS _reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by_
+JENKINS, _twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.
+
+Curtain_
+
+[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]
+
+(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+_Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter_
+JENKINS, _disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:_
+
+  Gaily the troubadour
+    Touched his or-gan,
+  As he came staggering
+    Home with a can--
+
+(_Numerous heads put out of numerous windows_.)
+
+[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]
+
+_1st Window._ Stop that howling!
+
+_2d_   "      Dry up, you idiot!
+
+_3d_   "      Cork that organ!
+
+_4th_  "      Bust that music-box!
+
+(And so on, _ad infinitum_, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)
+
+(_Windows shut. Enter_ JULIETTE, _from window_.)
+
+JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!
+
+JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!
+
+JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (_She rests on his bosom_.)
+
+JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I never loved him in my life,
+    I never loved his baby,
+  I'll slip out some dark night,
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.
+
+JENKINS. (_Sings:_)
+
+  Pretty maid, if I kiss,
+    Will you faint away,
+  Will you cry for your pa,
+    Pretty maiden, say?
+  If I press dainty lips,
+    Will you make a screech?
+  If you do, I'll away,
+    And you cannot peach.
+
+      Pretty maid, do not faint,
+        Charming little belle,
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,
+        Do not kiss and tell.
+
+(_He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge_.)
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  You are going far away,
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,
+  And there's no one left to love me now,
+  I fear you'll too forget.
+
+(_Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks_ JENKINS, _Heavy
+Father then seizes_ JULIETTE _and leads her into house_. JENKINS
+_skedaddles_.)
+
+_Enter_ JENKINS _at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings_:
+
+  I went, I went,
+  As meek as any lamb,
+  He took me, yes, he took me
+  For some other man.
+
+_Curtain_.
+
+(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)
+
+Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."
+
+After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."
+
+LOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ILL-BRED DOGS.
+
+WEST-POINTERS, SETTING AT A BLACKBIRD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON DORGS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.
+
+A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his _canis_ in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.
+
+Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.
+
+I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.
+
+I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, _alias_ puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.
+
+I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.
+
+Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.
+
+As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.
+
+Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHT MAN.
+
+A Brooklyn item states as follows:
+
+"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."
+
+Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.
+
+The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHINESE EXPERIMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS.
+
+THE GREAT SHOE MANUFACTURER SERENELY CONTEMPLATES HIS HIVE OF CELESTIAL
+BEES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:
+
+"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."
+
+It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICAL.
+
+"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."
+
+"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what _you_ call it?--_I_ call it
+Simmer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.
+
+AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.
+
+  Sing about a Treaty
+    Got up to supply
+  Half a million Black birds
+    For the Union Pie.
+  When the fact was published,
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing
+  Said the Author's one of us--
+    Let us call him King.
+
+  FISH was at the Treasury
+    Clamoring for the money,
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"
+    Looking blithe and sunny,
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,
+    Brought things to a close--
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds
+    Vanished with the noes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.
+
+Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."
+
+A Chinese Fizzle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."
+
+JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO U,'LYSS.
+
+ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.
+
+  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YAN-KI vs. YAN-KEE.
+
+SHOWING THE DESCENT OF CELESTIAL CRISPINS UPON THE SHOEMAKERS OF THE BAY
+STATE AND HOW THEY ROBBED THE NATIVE COBBLER OF HIS _ALL_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.
+
+
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.-A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.
+
+
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.
+
+My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:
+
+"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."
+
+"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."
+
+"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."
+
+"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."
+
+He then began the follerin' histry:
+
+"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.
+
+"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.
+
+"One day this _Jerkt_ farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.
+
+"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.
+
+"He was a great advocate of Dams.
+
+"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems _pro temper_,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."
+
+"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.
+
+"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.
+
+"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."
+
+"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".
+
+He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.
+
+"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.
+
+"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.
+
+"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.
+
+"Only one bote lode was saved.
+
+"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.
+
+"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.
+
+"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.
+
+"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.
+
+"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.
+
+"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.
+
+"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.
+
+"NOAH didn't like niggers.
+
+"Not much he didn't.
+
+"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.
+
+"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he _Horris
+Greelyzed_ him in the follerin' well-known words:
+
+"Cussed be Kanan.'
+
+"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.
+
+"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.
+
+"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.
+
+"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:
+
+"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'
+
+"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,
+
+"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'
+
+"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.
+
+"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.
+
+"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.
+
+"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.
+
+"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.
+
+"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."
+
+"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"
+
+"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."
+
+"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.
+
+"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.
+
+"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.
+
+"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."
+
+The old man paused.
+
+I sprung to my feet.
+
+"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.
+
+In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:
+
+  "I want to be a contracter,
+  And with contracters share."
+
+After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.
+
+Adux, PUNCHINELLO.
+
+Ewers and so 4thly,
+
+HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, _Lait Gustise of the Peece._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL STUFF!
+
+That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.
+
+A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.
+
+Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.
+
+But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.
+
+Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.
+
+So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.
+
+There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+_rapport_ took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.
+
+[Illustration: TREES
+WATER.]
+
+As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.
+
+But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:
+
+"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."
+
+At this Mr. P. laughed right out.
+
+"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.
+
+Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?
+
+At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.
+
+For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"
+
+"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"
+
+"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"
+
+"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.
+
+"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"
+
+"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."
+
+"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+_you_ are Sycamore."
+
+"That's so," she gravely grunted.
+
+"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"
+
+At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:
+
+  "Three women came, one moonlight night,
+    And tempted me away.
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,
+    Good maiden, must you stay.
+
+  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,
+    And LUCY S. also,
+  And what a lone female can do
+    We want the world to know.
+
+  No better instance can we give,
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,
+  How woman can, year after year.
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"
+
+"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"
+
+"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."
+
+"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"
+
+He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.
+
+The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.
+
+As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.
+
+If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM CHICAGO.
+
+"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an _omelette soufflee_ presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.
+
+After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure _could_
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?
+
+We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.
+
+Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.
+
+The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a _Cardiospernum Halicactum_. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."
+
+Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.
+
+Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.
+
+Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a _casus belli_, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.
+
+Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE.
+
+WHAT'S THE USE OF GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF A VISIT TO NIAGARA FALLS, WHEN
+SUCH A GRAND SHOWER-BATH AS THIS CAN BE EXTEMPORIZED IN THE GARDEN?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTLEY MELODY.
+
+AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.
+
+  Feast-loving MOTLEY
+  Over a bottle he
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.
+  He asks not for chink,
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.
+
+  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,
+  _Amor Patriae_ leaks out as the turtle goes in.
+
+  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.
+
+  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.
+
+  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.
+
+  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.
+
+  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.
+
+THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.
+
+AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.
+
+Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.
+
+Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.
+
+People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.
+
+Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.
+
+SOOGIWOORA
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Offer an Immense Job Lot of Various
+
+DRESS GOODS,
+
+At 12-1/2 cents per yard,
+
+VIZ:
+
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+
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+
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+&c., &c.
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+At $1.25 and $1.50 per yard; former
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+
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+CHECKED, STRIPED, AND BROCHE
+
+POPLINETTES,
+
+IN LIGHT AND DARK SHADES,
+
+50 cents per yard; wholesale price, $1.
+
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+
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+
+From 75 cents per yard upward.
+
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+Reduced to $1.25 per yard.
+
+REAL CHAMBRAY GAUZES,
+Only 75 cents.
+
+The above prices have been made to suit the times,
+and to induce Customers to purchase.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & CO.
+
+Will continue to offer novelties in Linen. Lawn,
+Pique, and Organdie Suits, suitable for Street
+and Evening Wear.
+
+THE BALANCE OF THEIR
+
+Paris and Domestic Made Silk,
+Organdie and Tulle
+DRESSES,
+
+A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER, AT PRICES LESS THAN
+ONE HALF THEIR ORIGINAL COST,
+
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+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING EVERY VARIETY OF LADIES'
+AND GENTLEMEN'S
+
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+&c., &c.
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+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
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+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
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+
+BY
+
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+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
+
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
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+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9885]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 27, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Vol. I. No. 17.]
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+Continued in this Number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Novels.
+
+Only a Girl. A Romance from the German, by Mrs. A.L. WISTER. 12mo, cloth,
+$2.
+
+Bound Down; or, Life and its Possibilities. By ANNA M. FITCH. A Novel.
+2mo, fine cloth, $1.50.
+
+Henry Courtland; or, What a Farmer can Do. By A.J. CLINE. 12mo, fine
+cloth, $1.75.
+
+Carlino. A Novel. By the Author of "Dr. Antonio." Illustrated. 8vo, paper
+cover, 50 cents.
+
+Rougegorge and other Short Stories. By H.P. SPOFFORD, ALICE CARY, LUCY H.
+HOOPER, JANE G. AUSTIN, A.L. WISTER, etc. With Frontispiece. 8vo, paper,
+50 cents.
+
+--> For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent by mail, postage free,
+on receipt of price, by
+
+J.B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., Publishers,
+715 and 717 Market St., Philadelphia,
+And 449 Broome Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONANT'S
+
+PATENT BINDERS
+FOR
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on receipt of
+one Dollar, by
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street, New York City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"
+
+we recommend for Bank and Office use.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for United States.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY.
+
+TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS
+
+Foot of Chambers Street
+
+and
+
+Foot of Twenty-Third Street,
+
+AS FOLLOWS:
+
+Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30
+P.M., and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M.,
+and 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches
+will accompany the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting
+at Hornellsville with magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to
+Cleveland and Galion. Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train
+from Susquehanna to Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to
+Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and
+Cincinnati. An Emigrant train leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.
+
+FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third
+Street, *11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.);
+and, Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)
+
+FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third
+Street 7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45
+and 5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)
+
+FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and
+11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at
+6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at 8:45
+and 11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers
+Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45
+P.M.
+
+FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at
+8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only,
+{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30,
+4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight.
+
+Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping
+Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of
+Baggage may be left at the
+
+COMPANY'S OFFICES:
+
+241, 529, and 957 Broadway.
+205 Chambers Street.
+Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem.
+338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn.
+Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot
+of Twenty-third Street, New York.
+3 Exchange Place.
+Long Dock Depot, Jersey City,
+And of the Agents at the principal Hotels
+
+WM. R. BARR,
+_General Passenger Agent._
+
+L. D. RUCKER,
+_General Superintendent._
+
+* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only.
+
+May 2D, 1870.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRESH NOVELS,
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+STERN NECESSITY. By F.W. ROBINSON, Author of "Poor Humanity," "Mattie: a
+Stray," "For Her Sake," "Carry's Confession," "No Man's Friend," &c. 8vo,
+Paper, 50 cents.
+
+GWENDOLINE'S HARVEST. By the Author of "Carlyon's Year," "One of the
+Family," "Found Dead," "A Beggar on Horseback," &c. 8vo, Paper, 25 cents.
+
+PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE. By CHARLES READE, Author of "Hard Cash,"
+"Griffith Gaunt," &c., &c. FROM THE AUTHOR'S EARLY SHEETS.
+
+HARPER'S OCTAVO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." With all the
+Illustrations, including the characteristic Vignettes not to be found in
+any other American edition. Paper 75 cents; BOUND IN CLOTH, $1.25.
+
+HARPER'S DUODECIMO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." Uniform with
+the Boston Household Edition of Charles Reade's Novels, and bound in
+Green-Morocco English Cloth, to match that edition. Illustrated. Price
+$1.00.
+
+--> ALL HARPER'S EDITIONS OF "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE" are Illustrated.
+
+THE VICAR OF BULLHAMPTON. By ANTHONY TROLLOPE, Author of "The Bertrams,"
+"Castle Richmond," "Framley Parsonage," "Orley Farm," "Small House at
+Allington," &c. With Illustrations. 8vo, Paper, $1.25; Cloth, $1.75.
+
+MISS VAN KORTLAND. A Novel of American Society. By the Author of "My
+Daughter Elinor." 8vo, Paper, $1.00.
+
+BENEATH THE WHEELS. By the Author of "Olive Varcoe," &c. 8vo, Paper,
+50 cents.
+
+BAFFLED; or, Michael Brand's Wrong. By JULIA GODDARD, Author of "Joyce
+Dormer's Story," "The Search for the Gral," &c. Illustrated. 8vo, Paper,
+75 cents.
+
+TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL DAYS. By AN OLD BOY. New Edition. With numerous
+illustrations by Arthur Hughes and Sidney Prior Hall. 8vo, Paper,
+50 cents.
+
+DEBENHAM'S VOW. By AMELIA B. EDWARDS, Author of "Barbara's History,"
+"Half a Million of Money," "Miss Carew," &c., &c. Illustrated. 8vo,
+Paper, 75 cents.
+
+A BRAVE LADY. By the Author of "John Halifax, Gentleman," &c. With
+Illustrations. 8vo, Paper, $1.00; Cloth, $1.50.
+
+--> HARPER & BROTHERS WILL SEND EITHER OF THE ABOVE WORKS BY MAIL,
+ POSTAGE PREPAID, TO ANY PART OF THE UNITED STATES, ON THE RECEIPT OF THE
+PRICE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bowling Green Savings-Bank
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+NEW YORK.
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand
+Dollars, will be received._
+
+Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS
+Commences on the First of every Month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, _President_
+
+REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._
+
+WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._
+EDWARD HOGAN, }
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKERSON,
+
+ROOM No. 4,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORST & AVERELL
+
+Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press
+
+PRINTERS,
+
+EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS.
+
+Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.
+
+23 Platt Street, and
+[P.O. Box 2845.] 20-22 Gold Street,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIBBLEEANIA,
+
+AND
+
+Japonica Juice,
+
+FOR THE HAIR.
+
+The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds
+ever offered to the public for the
+
+Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c.
+
+For consultation, apply at
+
+WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,
+
+Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.
+
+854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOLEY'S
+GOLD PENS.
+
+THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.
+
+256 BROADWAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+$2 to ALBANY and TROY.
+
+The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31,
+will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m.,
+landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West
+Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill,
+Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in
+connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany
+(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and
+for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from
+Albany to Troy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESTABLISHED 1886.
+
+JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D.} Editors
+WX. J. ROLFE, A. M.  }
+
+Boston Journal of Chemistry.
+
+Devoted to the Science of
+HOME LIFE,
+
+The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine.
+
+$1.00 Per Year.
+
+_Journal and Punchinello (without Premium_) $4.00.
+
+SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY.
+
+Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,
+
+150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. B. BOWLEND,
+
+Draughtsman & Designer
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)
+
+
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.
+
+[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living _fly_ in _December_, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and _ready iced_, too;" and that "the pump's _froze_," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]
+
+The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over _their_
+equally dispiriting avocations.
+
+After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:
+
+"BLADAMS!"
+
+"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.
+
+"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."
+
+Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."
+
+"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."
+
+"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.
+
+"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."
+
+"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"
+
+"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.
+
+"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."
+
+"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.
+
+"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."
+
+It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.
+
+"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."
+
+EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.
+
+A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"
+
+"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show _all_ that
+he feels--"
+
+There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.
+
+Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.
+
+"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."
+
+"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.
+
+"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."
+
+Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.
+
+"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."
+
+"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.
+
+When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"
+
+What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.
+
+(To be Continued.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FREE BATHS.
+
+[Illustration: 'P']
+
+PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration: 'C']
+
+CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.
+
+It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.
+
+We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.
+
+It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.
+
+By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.
+
+I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.
+
+I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.
+
+It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the _Tannhauser_ overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.
+
+FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."
+
+SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."
+
+THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."
+
+FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"
+
+FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."
+
+What ought a man to think of the _Tannhauser_, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.
+
+And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"
+
+FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his _baton_."
+
+SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."
+
+And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."
+
+While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.
+
+For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (_vide_
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.
+
+For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.
+
+And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?
+
+Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEE THE POINT?
+
+  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: No, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE "BLONDES". THIS IS FITZ
+FADDLE, WHOSE CLOTHES WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS BATHING, AND WHO HAS
+CONVERTED HIS UMBRELLA INTO A TEMPORARY GARMENT, CLOTHED IN WHICH HE IS
+MAKING HIS WAY TO HIS HOTEL. THE REASON WHY HE WHISTLES IS TO LOOK AS IF
+HE DIDN'T CARE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOAM;[1]
+
+OR
+
+HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.
+
+
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.
+
+
+_Played with immense success at the summer residence of_ Gen. GRANT, _at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights._[2]
+
+ACT I.
+
+_Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,_ MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, _dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (_Sings_:)
+
+  If I'm any judge of the weather,
+    The days are refreshingly hot,
+  Though one place's as good as another,
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;
+          But where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go?
+          Where shall I go
+              For the summer?
+
+(_Looks at table_.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(_Reflectively_.) I guess I'll eat. (_Sits down and hurts the hash.)
+
+(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)_
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+   Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+   Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+SERVANT GIRL. (_Sings_.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.
+
+WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.
+
+HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.
+
+SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.
+
+(_All sing_:)
+
+  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,
+    Why did you go for to do so?
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.
+
+(JENKINS _rises from the table and sings_:)
+
+  I've a castle in Spain,
+    Filled with ingots of gold,
+  I've a mine in Golconda,
+    Whose wealth is untold.
+  Then dry up your tears,
+    Come out of your sorrow,
+  I'll pay what I owe,
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,
+    All that I owe.
+
+(_Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing_:)
+
+  We feel, we feel, we feel,
+    We feel like a young typhoon;
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.
+
+(_Exeunt Servant-girl, et al_.)
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq._)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(_Puts things in his valise. Sings_:)
+
+  It's rich that I am, am I not?
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,
+  Both are for fixing my dome,
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,
+  My baggage's conveniently small.
+
+JENKINS. (_Loq_.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet _Tribune_, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (_Shoves paper in valise_.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(_Puts them on_.) Off I go. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I'm off, I'm off,
+  I'm off for Long Branch,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll have a jolly old time,
+  I'll bathe in the surf,
+  I'll ride on the turf,
+  Dance with the girls,
+  Steal all their pearls,
+  And have a jolly old time.
+
+(_Exit_ JENKINS)
+
+_Curtain_
+
+[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]
+
+[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]
+
+[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+_Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity._
+
+[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]
+
+_As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing_:
+
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+          Hark, as we holler,
+          Six for a dollar,
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!
+
+_Real scream from steam whistle._ JENKINS _obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when_ JENKINS _reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by_
+JENKINS, _twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.
+
+Curtain_
+
+[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]
+
+(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+_Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter_
+JENKINS, _disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:_
+
+  Gaily the troubadour
+    Touched his or-gan,
+  As he came staggering
+    Home with a can--
+
+(_Numerous heads put out of numerous windows_.)
+
+[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]
+
+_1st Window._ Stop that howling!
+
+_2d_   "      Dry up, you idiot!
+
+_3d_   "      Cork that organ!
+
+_4th_  "      Bust that music-box!
+
+(And so on, _ad infinitum_, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)
+
+(_Windows shut. Enter_ JULIETTE, _from window_.)
+
+JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!
+
+JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!
+
+JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (_She rests on his bosom_.)
+
+JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  I never loved him in my life,
+    I never loved his baby,
+  I'll slip out some dark night,
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.
+
+JENKINS. (_Sings:_)
+
+  Pretty maid, if I kiss,
+    Will you faint away,
+  Will you cry for your pa,
+    Pretty maiden, say?
+  If I press dainty lips,
+    Will you make a screech?
+  If you do, I'll away,
+    And you cannot peach.
+
+      Pretty maid, do not faint,
+        Charming little belle,
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,
+        Do not kiss and tell.
+
+(_He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge_.)
+
+JULIETTE. (_Sings_:)
+
+  You are going far away,
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,
+  And there's no one left to love me now,
+  I fear you'll too forget.
+
+(_Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks_ JENKINS, _Heavy
+Father then seizes_ JULIETTE _and leads her into house_. JENKINS
+_skedaddles_.)
+
+_Enter_ JENKINS _at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings_:
+
+  I went, I went,
+  As meek as any lamb,
+  He took me, yes, he took me
+  For some other man.
+
+_Curtain_.
+
+(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)
+
+Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."
+
+After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."
+
+LOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ILL-BRED DOGS.
+
+WEST-POINTERS, SETTING AT A BLACKBIRD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON DORGS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.
+
+A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his _canis_ in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.
+
+Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.
+
+I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.
+
+I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, _alias_ puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.
+
+I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.
+
+Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.
+
+As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.
+
+Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHT MAN.
+
+A Brooklyn item states as follows:
+
+"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."
+
+Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.
+
+The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHINESE EXPERIMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS.
+
+THE GREAT SHOE MANUFACTURER SERENELY CONTEMPLATES HIS HIVE OF CELESTIAL
+BEES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:
+
+"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."
+
+It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICAL.
+
+"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."
+
+"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what _you_ call it?--_I_ call it
+Simmer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.
+
+AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.
+
+  Sing about a Treaty
+    Got up to supply
+  Half a million Black birds
+    For the Union Pie.
+  When the fact was published,
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing
+  Said the Author's one of us--
+    Let us call him King.
+
+  FISH was at the Treasury
+    Clamoring for the money,
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"
+    Looking blithe and sunny,
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,
+    Brought things to a close--
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds
+    Vanished with the noes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.
+
+Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."
+
+A Chinese Fizzle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."
+
+JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO U,'LYSS.
+
+ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.
+
+  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YAN-KI vs. YAN-KEE.
+
+SHOWING THE DESCENT OF CELESTIAL CRISPINS UPON THE SHOEMAKERS OF THE BAY
+STATE AND HOW THEY ROBBED THE NATIVE COBBLER OF HIS _ALL_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.
+
+
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.-A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.
+
+
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.
+
+My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:
+
+"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."
+
+"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."
+
+"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."
+
+"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."
+
+He then began the follerin' histry:
+
+"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.
+
+"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.
+
+"One day this _Jerkt_ farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.
+
+"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.
+
+"He was a great advocate of Dams.
+
+"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems _pro temper_,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."
+
+"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.
+
+"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.
+
+"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."
+
+"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".
+
+He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.
+
+"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.
+
+"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.
+
+"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.
+
+"Only one bote lode was saved.
+
+"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.
+
+"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.
+
+"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.
+
+"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.
+
+"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.
+
+"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.
+
+"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.
+
+"NOAH didn't like niggers.
+
+"Not much he didn't.
+
+"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.
+
+"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he _Horris
+Greelyzed_ him in the follerin' well-known words:
+
+"Cussed be Kanan.'
+
+"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.
+
+"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.
+
+"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.
+
+"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:
+
+"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'
+
+"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,
+
+"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'
+
+"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.
+
+"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.
+
+"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.
+
+"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.
+
+"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.
+
+"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."
+
+"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"
+
+"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."
+
+"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.
+
+"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.
+
+"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.
+
+"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."
+
+The old man paused.
+
+I sprung to my feet.
+
+"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.
+
+In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:
+
+  "I want to be a contracter,
+  And with contracters share."
+
+After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.
+
+Adux, PUNCHINELLO.
+
+Ewers and so 4thly,
+
+HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, _Lait Gustise of the Peece._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL STUFF!
+
+That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.
+
+A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.
+
+Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.
+
+But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.
+
+Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.
+
+So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.
+
+There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+_rapport_ took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.
+
+[Illustration: TREES
+WATER.]
+
+As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.
+
+But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:
+
+"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."
+
+At this Mr. P. laughed right out.
+
+"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.
+
+Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?
+
+At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.
+
+For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"
+
+"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"
+
+"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"
+
+"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.
+
+"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"
+
+"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."
+
+"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+_you_ are Sycamore."
+
+"That's so," she gravely grunted.
+
+"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"
+
+At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:
+
+  "Three women came, one moonlight night,
+    And tempted me away.
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,
+    Good maiden, must you stay.
+
+  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,
+    And LUCY S. also,
+  And what a lone female can do
+    We want the world to know.
+
+  No better instance can we give,
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,
+  How woman can, year after year.
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"
+
+"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"
+
+"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."
+
+"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"
+
+He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.
+
+The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.
+
+As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.
+
+If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM CHICAGO.
+
+"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an _omelette soufflée_ presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.
+
+After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure _could_
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?
+
+We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.
+
+Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.
+
+The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a _Cardiospernum Halicactum_. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."
+
+Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.
+
+Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.
+
+Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a _casus belli_, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.
+
+Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE.
+
+WHAT'S THE USE OF GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF A VISIT TO NIAGARA FALLS, WHEN
+SUCH A GRAND SHOWER-BATH AS THIS CAN BE EXTEMPORIZED IN THE GARDEN?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTLEY MELODY.
+
+AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.
+
+  Feast-loving MOTLEY
+  Over a bottle he
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.
+  He asks not for chink,
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.
+
+  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,
+  _Amor Patriae_ leaks out as the turtle goes in.
+
+  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.
+
+  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.
+
+  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.
+
+  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.
+
+  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.
+
+THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.
+
+AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.
+
+Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.
+
+Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.
+
+People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.
+
+Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.
+
+SOOGIWOORA
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Offer an Immense Job Lot of Various
+
+DRESS GOODS,
+
+At 12-1/2 cents per yard,
+
+VIZ:
+
+PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS,
+
+Mozambiques, Printed Alpaca Lusters,
+
+FINEST QUALITY AND CHOICEST
+COLORS,
+
+BROCHE GRENADINES,
+&c., &c.
+
+OTHER DESCRIPTIONS PROPORTIONATELY LOW.
+
+THE GREATEST BARGAINS
+YET OFFERED.
+
+The above will be exhibited in the center section
+on the Fourth Avenue side.
+
+_The Residents of our Neighboring Cities are Respectfully_
+
+INVITED TO EXAMINE.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & Co.
+
+Are Offering
+
+100 PIECES HEAVY
+GROS GRAIN STRIPED SILKS,
+
+At $1.25 and $1.50 per yard; former
+price $2 and $2.50.
+
+Also,
+CHECKED, STRIPED, AND BROCHE
+
+POPLINETTES,
+
+IN LIGHT AND DARK SHADES,
+
+50 cents per yard; wholesale price, $1.
+
+A LARGE JOB LOT OF
+
+RICH SILKS,
+
+From 75 cents per yard upward.
+
+ROUBAIX SILKS, Wide,
+Reduced to $1.25 per yard.
+
+REAL CHAMBRAY GAUZES,
+Only 75 cents.
+
+The above prices have been made to suit the times,
+and to induce Customers to purchase.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. STEWART & CO.
+
+Will continue to offer novelties in Linen. Lawn,
+Pique, and Organdie Suits, suitable for Street
+and Evening Wear.
+
+THE BALANCE OF THEIR
+
+Paris and Domestic Made Silk,
+Organdie and Tulle
+DRESSES,
+
+A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER, AT PRICES LESS THAN
+ONE HALF THEIR ORIGINAL COST,
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING EVERY VARIETY OF LADIES'
+AND GENTLEMEN'S
+
+FURNISHING GOODS,
+
+UNDERWEAR,
+HOSIERY, GLOVES,
+PARASOLS, UMBRELLAS,
+LINEN SHIRTS, COLLARS, CUFFS,
+&c., &c.
+
+_AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly
+Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public
+in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper
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+one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage
+stamp.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+immediate supervision of the proprietors.
+
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+Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.
+
+L. PRANG & CO., Boston
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the new
+
+ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which was issued under date of April 2.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive
+ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the
+day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless
+postage stamps are inclosed.
+
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+
+One copy, per year, in advance                       $4 00
+Single copies                                           10
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the
+receipt of ten cents.
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other
+magazine or paper, price $2.50, for                   5 50
+One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for  7 00
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+P.O. Box, 2783, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+The New Burlesque Serial,
+
+Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
+
+BY
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
+
+A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with
+superb illustrations of
+
+1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S
+FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.
+
+2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he
+appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the same number.
+
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+
+_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office,
+free,) Ten Cents.
+
+Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4.
+
+
+Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which
+promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe
+now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.
+
+We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes
+to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>Punchinello, No. 17</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+<style type="text/css">
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+<body>
+
+<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870</h1>
+<pre>
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
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+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9885]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 27, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="001.jpg (278K)" src="001.jpg" height="1150" width="761">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="002.jpg (280K)" src="002.jpg" height="1120" width="764">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+AN ADAPTATION.</h4>
+
+<h3>
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</h3>
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>
+CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.)</p>
+
+<p>
+BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that
+look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything
+eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the
+least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in
+which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced
+without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners,
+and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors
+therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the
+home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of
+spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning
+of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely
+place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted
+existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the
+fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least
+appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the
+spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of
+the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing
+the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he
+hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and
+dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S
+use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this
+man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten
+in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the
+pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did
+his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury
+arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally
+retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of
+aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment
+to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was
+assuredly destined.</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the
+introduction of a living <i>fly</i> in <i>December</i>, the Adapter begs leave to
+suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction
+when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable
+"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come,
+"and <i>ready iced</i>, too;" and that "the pump's <i>froze</i>," while, only a
+few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is
+spoken of as "weeding the garden."]</p>
+
+<p>The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff
+American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the
+weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon
+the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging
+in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers,
+Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally
+and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over <i>their</i>
+equally dispiriting avocations.</p>
+
+<p>After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city,
+the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious
+assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for
+the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without
+making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of
+ale in hand, he turned to his clerk:</p>
+
+<p>"BLADAMS!"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from
+which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own
+mug.</p>
+
+<p>"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may
+our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your
+Bump of Happiness increase."</p>
+
+<p>Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and,
+having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go,
+sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it
+from that top-shelf the other day."</p>
+
+<p>"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN;
+"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected,
+and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary."</p>
+
+<p>"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of
+practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that
+politeness costs nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear
+joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please
+remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself,
+and join us in a health to Miss POTTS."</p>
+
+<p>"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with
+crackers. "All ale to her!"</p>
+
+<p>"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror
+occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death
+in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously
+concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square,
+practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true
+lover's state of mind to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not
+to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the
+crackers at his own elbow.</p>
+
+<p>"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I
+make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is
+rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object
+of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at
+EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant
+crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the
+conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as
+Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he
+feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to
+make believe that be never said it."</p>
+
+<p>It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this
+truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced
+unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun
+reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What
+time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk
+into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded
+arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and
+occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching
+hands.</p>
+
+<p>"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost
+horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in
+the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever
+eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable
+glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she
+always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of
+smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is
+more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells
+him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further
+represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such
+tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of
+such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on
+the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with
+his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting
+doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to
+whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported
+saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a
+private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an
+eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of
+insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More
+Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was,
+you know, when they were Children Together."</p>
+
+<p>EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during
+the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at
+its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm
+toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a
+final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and
+young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds
+across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on
+one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly
+the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board,
+Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to
+relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table
+flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over
+upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their
+chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting
+invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of
+four-pillared monumental temple without a roof.</p>
+
+<p>A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the
+name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable
+expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of
+this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned
+table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting
+position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a
+rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of
+countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather
+hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show <i>all</i> that
+he feels--"</p>
+
+<p>There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being
+broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the
+discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office.</p>
+
+<p>Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel,
+containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer
+produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at
+either end.</p>
+
+<p>"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with
+golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me,
+in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of
+the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again.
+To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it."</p>
+
+<p>"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness
+would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN,
+that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a
+habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to
+shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic
+with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up
+proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally
+reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that
+you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother
+who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not
+marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living
+and the dead, to bring it back to me."</p>
+
+<p>Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his
+pockets.</p>
+
+<p>"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer."</p>
+
+<p>"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the
+best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD
+to resume his overcoat.</p>
+
+<p>When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his
+nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to
+himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to
+me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the
+mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?"</p>
+
+<p>What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on
+the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his
+mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he
+glanced at the disordered table.</p>
+
+<p>(To be Continued.)</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE FREE BATHS.</h2>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="004a.jpg (87K)" src="004a.jpg" height="593" width="406">
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his
+inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain
+class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has
+sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment
+of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has
+been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics
+at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It
+was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the
+extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of
+that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success
+of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them
+by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon.
+W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the
+Free Baths."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="004b.jpg (101K)" src="004b.jpg" height="617" width="410">
+</td><td>
+<p>CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article.</p>
+
+<p>It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write
+about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with
+the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over?
+And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of
+"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things
+which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK
+GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and
+shows at present in this happy city.</p>
+
+<p>We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot
+and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was
+obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were
+told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they
+felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from
+the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a
+theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas
+he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat.
+Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the
+visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to
+the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and
+sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of
+finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself.</p>
+
+<p>By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is
+properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that
+it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration
+is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at
+its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate
+legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of
+July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic
+youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN,
+and will devote this column to the national show.</p>
+
+<p>I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever
+did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to
+commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with
+stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to
+our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say
+Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely
+where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like!
+Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain,
+and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we
+are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will
+ever be bothered about it again.</p>
+
+<p>I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid
+capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund
+all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent,
+but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid
+meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial
+mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL
+PARK GARDEN.</p>
+
+<p>It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The
+other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded
+by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his
+orchestra through the devious ways of the <i>Tannhauser</i> overture, and I
+naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might
+express. This is what they really did say.</p>
+
+<p>FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now,
+boys, we'll have some more beer."</p>
+
+<p>SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour."</p>
+
+<p>THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch."</p>
+
+<p>FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail"</p>
+
+<p>FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this
+weather."</p>
+
+<p>What ought a man to think of the <i>Tannhauser</i>, after hearing these five
+contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were
+a trifle too strong.</p>
+
+<p>And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S
+merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent
+musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than
+even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of
+them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?"</p>
+
+<p>FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His
+orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and
+meaningless passes which he makes with his <i>baton</i>."</p>
+
+<p>SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has
+made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No
+man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS."</p>
+
+<p>And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered
+their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young
+creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark,
+"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his
+coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL
+BERGMANN."</p>
+
+<p>While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN
+on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the
+establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I
+had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion,
+let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him
+apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the
+world, if he should so desire.</p>
+
+<p>MATADOR.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.</h2>
+
+<p>For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,)
+he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very
+beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (<i>vide</i>
+his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the
+hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although,
+in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time,
+beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m.,
+30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The
+shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and
+ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is,
+"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his
+understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any
+consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are
+not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of
+corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY,
+it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native
+American awl altogether.</p>
+
+<p>For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration.
+He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink
+nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or
+brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf.
+Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO
+believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong
+and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow
+or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and
+sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive
+fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of
+our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and
+opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in
+porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he
+is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO
+wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for
+his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely
+intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage
+having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.</p>
+
+<p>The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily
+perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and
+are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for
+the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his
+friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the
+only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should
+be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound
+Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous
+thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to
+give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams,
+Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="005a.jpg (19K)" src="005a.jpg" height="197" width="623">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual
+friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it
+more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all,
+that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling
+yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like
+KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let
+it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to
+make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the
+worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And
+especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the
+Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is
+good enough to be buried in.</p>
+
+<p>And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and
+which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="005b.jpg (24K)" src="005b.jpg" height="213" width="631">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious,
+manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to
+kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P.
+is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about
+it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats
+dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder,
+or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and
+stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other
+shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently
+judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he
+might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance)
+most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace
+by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a
+misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr.
+P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the
+Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail,
+whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>SEE THE POINT?</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson.<br>
+  As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA:<br>
+  "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point."<br>
+  "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA.<br>
+  "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied
+  EDWIN.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="006.jpg (150K)" src="006.jpg" height="698" width="755">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>FOAM;[1]</h2>
+
+<h4>OR</h4>
+
+<h3>HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.</h3>
+
+<h4>
+A LYRICAL DRAMA.</h4>
+
+<p>
+<i>Played with immense success at the summer residence of</i> Gen. GRANT, <i>at
+Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights.</i>[2]</p>
+
+<p>ACT I.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a
+bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of
+coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter
+from the adjoining hall,</i> MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, <i>dressed in a tattered
+morning wrapper</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into
+the country. But where shall I go?[3] (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  If I'm any judge of the weather,<br>
+    The days are refreshingly hot,<br>
+  Though one place's as good as another,<br>
+    I think I'll get out of this spot;<br>
+          But where shall I go?<br>
+          Where shall I go?<br>
+          Where shall I go<br>
+              For the summer?</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Looks at table</i>.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold.
+(<i>Reflectively</i>.) I guess I'll eat. (<i>Sits down and hurts the hash.)</i></p>
+
+<p><i>(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance
+around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)</i></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br>
+   Why did you go for to do so?<br>
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br>
+	Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>SERVANT GIRL. (<i>Sings</i>.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.</p>
+
+<p>WASHERWOMAN.      "      Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.</p>
+
+<p>HATTER.           "      Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.</p>
+
+<p>SHOEMAKER.        "      Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>All sing</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE,<br>
+    Why did you go for to do so?<br>
+  JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS!<br>
+    Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(JENKINS <i>rises from the table and sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I've a castle in Spain,<br>
+    Filled with ingots of gold,<br>
+  I've a mine in Golconda,<br>
+    Whose wealth is untold.<br>
+  Then dry up your tears,<br>
+    Come out of your sorrow,<br>
+  I'll pay what I owe,<br>
+    I'll pay you to-morrow,<br>
+  I'll pay you to-morrow,<br>
+    All that I owe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  We feel, we feel, we feel,<br>
+    We feel like a young typhoon;<br>
+  We hope, we hope, we hope,<br>
+    We hope you'll be paying soon.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Exeunt Servant-girl, et al</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq.</i>)  Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the
+provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well,
+let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise.
+(<i>Puts things in his valise. Sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  It's rich that I am, am I not?<br>
+  Just look at the fixings I've got;<br>
+  Here's a brush, here's a comb,<br>
+  Both are for fixing my dome,<br>
+  A tooth-brush and collar, that's all,<br>
+  My baggage's conveniently small.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Loq</i>.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on
+that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this
+will do, this triple-sheet <i>Tribune</i>, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle.
+That'll fill it. (<i>Shoves paper in valise</i>.) Now for my hat and coat.
+(<i>Puts them on</i>.) Off I go. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I'm off, I'm off,<br>
+  I'm off for Long Branch,<br>
+  I'll have a jolly old time,<br>
+  I'll have a jolly old time,<br>
+  I'll bathe in the surf,<br>
+  I'll ride on the turf,<br>
+  Dance with the girls,<br>
+  Steal all their pearls,<br>
+  And have a jolly old time.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>(<i>Exit</i> JENKINS)</p>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i></p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular
+than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one
+nights.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT II.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water,
+real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain
+and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no
+make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin
+would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute
+necessity.</i></p>
+
+<p>[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the
+auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage
+carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the
+scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those
+superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will
+slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken
+(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not
+responsible for it.]</p>
+
+<p><i>As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock,
+singing</i>:</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+<p>  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!<br>
+          Hark, as we holler,<br>
+          Six for a dollar,<br>
+  Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy!</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p><i>Real scream from steam whistle.</i> JENKINS <i>obeys the orange-women, and
+goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream,
+when</i> JENKINS <i>reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by</i>
+JENKINS, <i>twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all
+the sailors shout.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i></p>
+
+<p>[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that
+I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact
+space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]</p>
+
+<p>(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he
+can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and
+milk.)</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT III.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter</i>
+JENKINS, <i>disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat,
+with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows,
+grinds the hand-organ, and sings:</i></p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Gaily the troubadour<br>
+    Touched his or-gan,<br>
+  As he came staggering<br>
+    Home with a can--</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Numerous heads put out of numerous windows</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here
+requested to take a long breath.]</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Window.</i> Stop that howling!</p>
+
+<p><i>2d</i>   "      Dry up, you idiot!</p>
+
+<p><i>3d</i>   "      Cork that organ!</p>
+
+<p><i>4th</i>  "      Bust that music-box!</p>
+
+<p>(And so on, <i>ad infinitum</i>, until all the supes are used up; the supes
+can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Windows shut. Enter</i> JULIETTE, <i>from window</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (<i>She rests on his bosom</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  I never loved him in my life,<br>
+    I never loved his baby,<br>
+  I'll slip out some dark night,<br>
+    And marry JENKINS, maybe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>JENKINS. (<i>Sings:</i>)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Pretty maid, if I kiss,<br>
+    Will you faint away,<br>
+  Will you cry for your pa,<br>
+    Pretty maiden, say?<br>
+  If I press dainty lips,<br>
+    Will you make a screech?<br>
+  If you do, I'll away,<br>
+    And you cannot peach.</p>
+
+<p>      Pretty maid, do not faint,<br>
+        Charming little belle,<br>
+      Mind you now, pretty maid,<br>
+        Do not kiss and tell.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p>(<i>He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>JULIETTE. (<i>Sings</i>:)</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  You are going far away,<br>
+  Far away from poor JULIETTE,<br>
+  And there's no one left to love me now,<br>
+  I fear you'll too forget.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>(<i>Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks</i> JENKINS, <i>Heavy
+Father then seizes</i> JULIETTE <i>and leads her into house</i>. JENKINS
+<i>skedaddles</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> JENKINS <i>at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast
+clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings</i>:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  I went, I went,<br>
+  As meek as any lamb,<br>
+  He took me, yes, he took me<br>
+  For some other man.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p><i>Curtain</i>.</p>
+
+<p>(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic
+song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)</p>
+
+<p>Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words
+"will be."</p>
+
+<p>After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is
+ever played at all."</p>
+
+<p>LOT.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="007.jpg (118K)" src="007.jpg" height="552" width="607">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ON DORGS.</h2>
+<br>
+
+<p>Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy
+for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you.</p>
+
+<p>A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master
+often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his
+dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the
+pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his <i>canis</i> in
+the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and
+lodging free.</p>
+
+<p>Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its
+kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that
+nothing would divide them till death did them part.</p>
+
+<p>I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the
+smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the
+door-steps at the larger.</p>
+
+<p>I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, <i>alias</i> puppy,) which was very
+fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing
+but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal,
+especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I
+could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins,
+or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while,
+on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took
+grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never
+could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of
+index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four
+hours after his banquet, to recover himself.</p>
+
+<p>I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him
+into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots,
+trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening.
+My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by
+this experiment.</p>
+
+<p>Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen
+attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting
+their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to
+take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever.</p>
+
+<p>As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the
+machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The
+motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit."</p>
+
+<p>BILL BISCAY.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION.</h2>
+
+<p>Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best
+material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the
+present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has
+discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more
+efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea.
+The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE RIGHT MAN.</h2>
+
+<p>A Brooklyn item states as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward."</p>
+
+<p>Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York,
+and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge
+LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may
+be found there yet.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL.</h2>
+
+<p>The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="008.jpg (299K)" src="008.jpg" height="1141" width="709">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2>
+
+<p>It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late
+Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident
+dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for
+it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young
+ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite
+as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the
+dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they
+are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<p>The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city
+for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the
+late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who
+was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural
+History:</p>
+
+<p>"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before
+and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle
+observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part."</p>
+
+<p>It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the
+knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more
+than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what
+evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a
+neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from
+following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute
+for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more
+salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of
+experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns
+of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is
+possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal
+results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is
+generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CRITICAL.</h2>
+
+<p>"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the
+"heated term."</p>
+
+<p>"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what <i>you</i> call it?--<i>I</i> call it
+Simmer."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>PERSONAL.</h2>
+
+<p>PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say
+that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by
+which the Coney Island boats are controlled.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE.</h2>
+
+<h3>AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Sing about a Treaty<br>
+    Got up to supply<br>
+  Half a million Black birds<br>
+    For the Union Pie.<br>
+  When the fact was published,<br>
+    Swindlers at Sing Sing<br>
+  Said the Author's one of us--<br>
+    Let us call him King.</p>
+
+<p>  FISH was at the Treasury<br>
+    Clamoring for the money,<br>
+  GRANT was in the "Blue-room"<br>
+    Looking blithe and sunny,<br>
+  MORBILL, in the Senate,<br>
+    Brought things to a close--<br>
+  GRANT'S half million Black birds<br>
+    Vanished with the noes.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION.</h2>
+
+<p>Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE."</h2>
+
+<p>A Chinese Fizzle.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN."</h2>
+
+<p>JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>TO U,'LYSS.</h2>
+
+<p>ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY.</p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats,<br>
+  Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats.<br>
+  His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise;<br>
+  But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="009.jpg (288K)" src="009.jpg" height="718" width="949">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.--A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.</h4>
+
+<p>
+While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the
+old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands
+there.</p>
+
+<p>My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of
+eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded
+individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:</p>
+
+<p>"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished
+bildin' is."</p>
+
+<p>"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to
+find out."</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will
+relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle
+analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of
+stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further
+than a Bohemian's."</p>
+
+<p>He then began the follerin' histry:</p>
+
+<p>"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his
+cognovit.</p>
+
+<p>"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day
+to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as
+well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.</p>
+
+<p>"One day this <i>Jerkt</i> farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about
+irrigation.</p>
+
+<p>"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems
+which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their
+land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow
+bully.</p>
+
+<p>"He was a great advocate of Dams.</p>
+
+<p>"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller
+man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems <i>pro temper</i>,
+and were dammed pooty sudden."</p>
+
+<p>"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I,
+interuptin' the old man.</p>
+
+<p>"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got
+onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.</p>
+
+<p>"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE
+TILTON &amp; ANNER DICKINSON."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".</p>
+
+<p>He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin'
+ways.</p>
+
+<p>"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of
+doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their
+was a flood--yes sir, a flood.</p>
+
+<p>"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the
+passengers all drowned.</p>
+
+<p>"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the
+inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any
+well-organized Ring.</p>
+
+<p>"Only one bote lode was saved.</p>
+
+<p>"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed
+enough to own that craft.</p>
+
+<p>"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his
+family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild
+animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their
+papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.</p>
+
+<p>"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters
+dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them
+new-fashioned tar pavements.</p>
+
+<p>"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden
+and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.</p>
+
+<p>"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun
+preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.</p>
+
+<p>"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and
+hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.</p>
+
+<p>"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot
+rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's
+nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from
+his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.</p>
+
+<p>"NOAH didn't like niggers.</p>
+
+<p>"Not much he didn't.</p>
+
+<p>"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.</p>
+
+<p>"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he <i>Horris
+Greelyzed</i> him in the follerin' well-known words:</p>
+
+<p>"Cussed be Kanan.'</p>
+
+<p>"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER,
+whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and
+I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other
+chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men,
+NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and
+strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.</p>
+
+<p>"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.</p>
+
+<p>"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's
+eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were
+bein' sold to the highest bidder.</p>
+
+<p>"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:</p>
+
+<p>"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now
+till dooms-day.'</p>
+
+<p>"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,</p>
+
+<p>"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'</p>
+
+<p>"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and
+the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.</p>
+
+<p>"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was
+called Black Friday.</p>
+
+<p>"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.</p>
+
+<p>"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.</p>
+
+<p>"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the
+head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.</p>
+
+<p>"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of
+Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."</p>
+
+<p>"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too
+thick?"</p>
+
+<p>"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."</p>
+
+<p>"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.</p>
+
+<p>"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great
+Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big
+Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.</p>
+
+<p>"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and
+that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead
+stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and
+fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."</p>
+
+<p>The old man paused.</p>
+
+<p>I sprung to my feet.</p>
+
+<p>"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some
+of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a
+contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused
+so many to sin.</p>
+
+<p>In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  "I want to be a contracter,<br>
+  And with contracters share."</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p>After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born
+he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand,
+and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.</p>
+
+<p>Adux, PUNCHINELLO.</p>
+
+<p>Ewers and so 4thly,</p>
+
+<p>HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, <i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ALL STUFF!</h2>
+
+<p>That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being
+extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so
+accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to
+"stuffing" the ballot-boxes.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES.</h2>
+
+<p>A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore
+VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the
+horses were Smoking like mad.</p>
+
+<p>But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's
+pocket of tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2>
+
+<h4>
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h4>
+
+<p>
+After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man
+attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake,
+or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if
+Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy
+flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the
+jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt
+not their vain tissues in the ambient air.</p>
+
+<p>So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went
+on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp.</p>
+
+<p>There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous
+<i>rapport</i> took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the
+delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012a.jpg (50K)" src="012a.jpg" height="191" width="673">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the
+"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that
+solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching,
+he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never
+communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice
+thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it.
+It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink.</p>
+
+<p>But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the
+scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or
+five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly
+stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and
+there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the
+narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that
+they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery
+spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the
+kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania,
+and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was
+endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012b.jpg (105K)" src="012b.jpg" height="446" width="676">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the
+bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied:</p>
+
+<p>"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the
+public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of
+the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break
+down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into
+this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been
+bored and are full of it."</p>
+
+<p>At this Mr. P. laughed right out.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps
+you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the
+bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from
+the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he
+disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable
+opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob
+his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic
+conservators of our iron interests.</p>
+
+<p>Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to
+spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no
+place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a
+noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as
+it were?</p>
+
+<p>At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent
+shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur
+cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water.</p>
+
+<p>For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and
+euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a
+moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it
+would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had
+not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but
+moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all
+night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This
+estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the
+startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?"</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012c.jpg (96K)" src="012c.jpg" height="430" width="693">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond
+line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of
+Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly
+want with railroad tickets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this
+firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the
+poem of the gifted MOORE--"</p>
+
+<p>"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this
+pond a-singin' that doleful song."</p>
+
+<p>"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch,
+<i>you</i> are Sycamore."</p>
+
+<p>"That's so," she gravely grunted.</p>
+
+<p>"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?"</p>
+
+<p>At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her
+lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry.
+Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend:</p>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  "Three women came, one moonlight night,<br>
+    And tempted me away.<br>
+  They said, 'No longer on this lake,<br>
+    Good maiden, must you stay.</p>
+
+<p>  We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D.,<br>
+    And LUCY S. also,<br>
+  And what a lone female can do<br>
+    We want the world to know.</p>
+
+<p>  No better instance can we give,<br>
+    Oh, Indian maid! than you,<br>
+  How woman can, year after year.<br>
+    Paddle her own canoe.'"</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<p>"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to
+say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been
+so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no
+difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see
+why they should make up--"</p>
+
+<p>He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid,
+despairing of her tickets, had gone.</p>
+
+<p>The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as
+it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good.
+But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see.</p>
+
+<p>As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy
+horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to
+tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of
+pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp.</p>
+
+<p>If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said,
+he would mention it--but he don't.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>NOTES FROM CHICAGO.</h2>
+
+<p>"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love,"
+and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention
+of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may
+be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and
+refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly
+advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and
+high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and
+the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the
+means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic
+virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on
+these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive
+feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the
+culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into
+action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute,
+notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the
+glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be
+considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for
+what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering
+sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm,
+or an <i>omelette soufflée</i> presenting just that sublime tint of
+yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate
+refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering,
+is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated.</p>
+
+<p>After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then
+we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most
+unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without
+some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich
+without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure <i>could</i>
+there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent
+advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer
+dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors,
+or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a
+woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully
+realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so
+chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist
+the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas
+tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not
+often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet
+cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or
+white linen into the mud?</p>
+
+<p>We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some,
+which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water,
+still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into
+it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the
+encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green
+fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues
+of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or
+woman.</p>
+
+<p>Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select,
+where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which
+partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the
+gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in
+bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the
+programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The
+Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in
+such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health
+for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers,
+Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen
+haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little,
+and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated
+amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways.</p>
+
+<p>The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically,
+psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation,
+conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however,
+to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less
+enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are
+truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets
+and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet
+to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but
+specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless
+fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or
+mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that
+a balloon-vine is a <i>Cardiospernum Halicactum</i>. The "feast" on these
+occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries
+being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and
+there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul."</p>
+
+<p>Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for
+me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the
+beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and
+the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes,
+shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and
+imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the
+haunts they are seeking.</p>
+
+<p>Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a
+picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the
+diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully
+illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could
+not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family
+picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one
+delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five
+graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big
+fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language
+fails, though beer doesn't.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2>
+
+<h4>GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK.</h4>
+
+<p>Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are,
+upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would
+desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous,
+cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to
+SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the
+view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they
+were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the
+Contiguous Shark considers it a <i>casus belli</i>, and immediately makes a
+pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him.
+Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away.
+Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are
+thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to
+perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they
+sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together.
+Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it
+may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have
+occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily
+at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked
+on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets
+caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the
+thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however
+difficult it may be to hoist it in.</p>
+
+<p>Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other
+watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized
+there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every
+harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the
+other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting
+himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up.
+White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in
+the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled
+up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on
+the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a
+Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest
+man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is
+common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no
+particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every
+latitude.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="014.jpg (232K)" src="014.jpg" height="828" width="655">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>A MOTLEY MELODY.</h2>
+
+<h4>AIR:  OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.</h4>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  Feast-loving MOTLEY<br>
+  Over a bottle he<br>
+  Quite overlooks Uncle SAM.<br>
+  He asks not for chink,<br>
+  So JOHN BULL, with a wink,<br>
+  "Alabama" proclaims All a bam.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>  When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin,<br>
+  <i>Amor Patriae</i> leaks out as the turtle goes in.</p>
+
+<p>  When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All<br>
+  our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port.</p>
+
+<p>  When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave<br>
+  In the lather that's only laid on for a shave.</p>
+
+<p>  When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape<br>
+  He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape.</p>
+
+<p>  When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor,<br>
+  He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair.</p>
+
+<p>  And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs<br>
+  He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC.</h2>
+
+<p>THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local"
+has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three
+inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons
+desirous of swallowing it.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING.</h2>
+
+<p>AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels
+in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap
+boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT.</h2>
+
+<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me.  My name
+SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read
+muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have
+also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans
+to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great
+statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee
+treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How
+too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great
+American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also
+payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich
+peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there
+then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How
+that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they
+say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink
+of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims.
+They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee
+much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me
+who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain
+and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much
+of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle
+me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that
+Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that
+island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State
+papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what
+you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get
+book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain
+buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for
+shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They
+tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid,
+no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.</p>
+
+<p>Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he
+go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you
+makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much
+different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go
+fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke
+opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for
+Japanee trade.</p>
+
+<p>Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans
+he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella
+him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh
+much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot.
+He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear
+one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him,
+"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you
+call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I
+tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So
+Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he
+no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.</p>
+
+<p>People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I
+no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go
+talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him
+cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for
+Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers.
+TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.</p>
+
+<p>Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have
+wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away
+when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much
+questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money
+shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.</p>
+
+<p>SOOGIWOORA</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="015.jpg (249K)" src="015.jpg" height="1112" width="759">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="016.jpg (251K)" src="016.jpg" height="1110" width="755">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 17 ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+
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