diff options
Diffstat (limited to '9885.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 9885.txt | 2776 |
1 files changed, 2776 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/9885.txt b/9885.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73a9cba --- /dev/null +++ b/9885.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2776 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9885] +Release Date: February, 2006 +First Posted: October 27, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Vol. I. No. 17.] + +SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +New Novels. + +Only a Girl. A Romance from the German, by Mrs. A.L. WISTER. 12mo, cloth, +$2. + +Bound Down; or, Life and its Possibilities. By ANNA M. FITCH. A Novel. +2mo, fine cloth, $1.50. + +Henry Courtland; or, What a Farmer can Do. By A.J. CLINE. 12mo, fine +cloth, $1.75. + +Carlino. A Novel. By the Author of "Dr. Antonio." Illustrated. 8vo, paper +cover, 50 cents. + +Rougegorge and other Short Stories. By H.P. SPOFFORD, ALICE CARY, LUCY H. +HOOPER, JANE G. AUSTIN, A.L. WISTER, etc. With Frontispiece. 8vo, paper, +50 cents. + +--> For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent by mail, postage free, +on receipt of price, by + +J.B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., Publishers, +715 and 717 Market St., Philadelphia, +And 449 Broome Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on receipt of +one Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any +other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following +grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen +manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 +P.M., and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., +and 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches +will accompany the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting +at Hornellsville with magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to +Cleveland and Galion. Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train +from Susquehanna to Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to +Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and +Cincinnati. An Emigrant train leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third +Street, *11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); +and, Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third +Street 7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 +and 5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 +and 11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers +Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 +P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +FRESH NOVELS, + +PUBLISHED BY + +HARPER & BROTHERS, + +NEW YORK. + +STERN NECESSITY. By F.W. ROBINSON, Author of "Poor Humanity," "Mattie: a +Stray," "For Her Sake," "Carry's Confession," "No Man's Friend," &c. 8vo, +Paper, 50 cents. + +GWENDOLINE'S HARVEST. By the Author of "Carlyon's Year," "One of the +Family," "Found Dead," "A Beggar on Horseback," &c. 8vo, Paper, 25 cents. + +PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE. By CHARLES READE, Author of "Hard Cash," +"Griffith Gaunt," &c., &c. FROM THE AUTHOR'S EARLY SHEETS. + +HARPER'S OCTAVO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." With all the +Illustrations, including the characteristic Vignettes not to be found in +any other American edition. Paper 75 cents; BOUND IN CLOTH, $1.25. + +HARPER'S DUODECIMO EDITION of "Put Yourself in His Place." Uniform with +the Boston Household Edition of Charles Reade's Novels, and bound in +Green-Morocco English Cloth, to match that edition. Illustrated. Price +$1.00. + +--> ALL HARPER'S EDITIONS OF "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE" are Illustrated. + +THE VICAR OF BULLHAMPTON. By ANTHONY TROLLOPE, Author of "The Bertrams," +"Castle Richmond," "Framley Parsonage," "Orley Farm," "Small House at +Allington," &c. With Illustrations. 8vo, Paper, $1.25; Cloth, $1.75. + +MISS VAN KORTLAND. A Novel of American Society. By the Author of "My +Daughter Elinor." 8vo, Paper, $1.00. + +BENEATH THE WHEELS. By the Author of "Olive Varcoe," &c. 8vo, Paper, +50 cents. + +BAFFLED; or, Michael Brand's Wrong. By JULIA GODDARD, Author of "Joyce +Dormer's Story," "The Search for the Gral," &c. Illustrated. 8vo, Paper, +75 cents. + +TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL DAYS. By AN OLD BOY. New Edition. With numerous +illustrations by Arthur Hughes and Sidney Prior Hall. 8vo, Paper, +50 cents. + +DEBENHAM'S VOW. By AMELIA B. EDWARDS, Author of "Barbara's History," +"Half a Million of Money," "Miss Carew," &c., &c. Illustrated. 8vo, +Paper, 75 cents. + +A BRAVE LADY. By the Author of "John Halifax, Gentleman," &c. With +Illustrations. 8vo, Paper, $1.00; Cloth, $1.50. + +--> HARPER & BROTHERS WILL SEND EITHER OF THE ABOVE WORKS BY MAIL, + POSTAGE PREPAID, TO ANY PART OF THE UNITED STATES, ON THE RECEIPT OF THE +PRICE. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank + +33 BROADWAY, +NEW YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + +_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand +Dollars, will be received._ + +Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax. + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS +Commences on the First of every Month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_ + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ + +WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ +EDWARD HOGAN, } + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS, + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. + +23 Platt Street, and +[P.O. Box 2845.] 20-22 Gold Street, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +AND + +Japonica Juice, + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City. + + * * * * * + +FOLEY'S +GOLD PENS. + +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. + +256 BROADWAY. + + * * * * * + +$2 to ALBANY and TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +ESTABLISHED 1886. + +JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D.} Editors +WX. J. ROLFE, A. M. } + +Boston Journal of Chemistry. + +Devoted to the Science of +HOME LIFE, + +The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. + +$1.00 Per Year. + +_Journal and Punchinello (without Premium_) $4.00. + +SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY. + +Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, + +150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 FULTON STREET, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + + +AN ADAPTATION. + + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + + + + +CHAPTER XI.--(Continued.) + + +BLADAMS ushered in two waiters--one Irish and one German--who wore that +look of blended long-suffering and extreme weariness of everything +eatable, which, in this country, seems inevitably characteristic of the +least personal agency in the serving of meals. (There may be lands in +which the not essentially revolting art of cookery can be practiced +without engendering irritable gloom in the bosoms of its practitioners, +and the spreading of tables does not necessarily entail upon the actors +therein a despondency almost sinister; but the American kitchen is the +home of beings who never laugh, save in that sardonic bitterness of +spirit which grimly mocks the climax of human endurance in the burning +of the soup; and the waiter of the American dining-room can scarcely +place a dish upon the board without making it eloquent of a blighted +existence.) Having dashed the stews upon the reading-table before the +fire, and rescued a drowning fly[1] from one of them with his least +appetizing thumb-nail, the melancholy Irish attendant polished the +spoons with his pocket-handkerchief and hurled them on either side of +the plates. Perceiving that his German associate, in listlessly throwing +the mugs of ale upon the table, had spilled some of the liquid, he +hurriedly wiped the stain away with EDWIN DROOD'S worsted muffler, and +dried the sides of the glasses upon the napkin intended for Mr. DIBBLE'S +use. There was something of the wild resources of despair, too, in this +man's frequent ghostly dispatch of the German after articles forgotten +in the first trip, such as another cracker, the cover of the +pepper-cruet, the salt, and one more pinch of butter; and so greatly did +his apparent dejection of soul increase as each supplementary luxury +arrived and was recklessly slammed into its place, that, upon finally +retiring from the room with his associate, his utter hopelessness of +aspect gave little suggestion of the future proud political preferment +to which, by virtue of his low estate and foreign birth, he was +assuredly destined. + +[Footnote 1: In anticipation of any critical objection to the +introduction of a living _fly_ in _December_, the Adapter begs leave to +suspect than an anachronism is always legitimate in a work of fiction +when a point is to be made. Thus, in Chapter VIII of the inimitable +"NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," Mr. SQUEERS tells NICHOLAS that morning has come, +"and _ready iced_, too;" and that "the pump's _froze_," while, only a +few pages later, in the same chapter, one of Mr. SQUEERS' scholars is +spoken of as "weeding the garden."] + +The whole scene had been a reproachful commentary upon the stiff +American system of discouraging waiters from making remarks upon the +weather, inquiring the cost of one's new coat, conferring with one upon +the general prospects of his business for the season, or from indulging +in any of the various light conversational diversions whereby barbers, +Fulton street tailors, and other depressed gymnasts, are occasionally +and wholesomely relieved from the misery of brooding over _their_ +equally dispiriting avocations. + +After the departure of the future aldermen, or sheriffs, of the city, +the good old lawyer accompanied his young guest in an expeditious +assimilation of the stews; saying little, but silently regretting, for +the sake of good manners, that Mr. BLADAMS could not eat oysters without +making a noise as though they were alive in his mouth. At last, mug of +ale in hand, he turned to his clerk: + +"BLADAMS!" + +"Sir to you!" responded Mr. BLADAMS, hastily putting down the plate from +which he had been drinking his last drop of stew, and grasping his own +mug. + +"Your health, BLADAMS.--Mr. EDWIN joins me, I'm sure.--And may the--may +our--that is, may your--suppose we call it Bump of Happiness--may your +Bump of Happiness increase." + +Staring thoughtfully, Mr. BLADAMS felt for the Bump upon his head and, +having scratched what he seemed to take for it, replied: "It's a go, +sir. The Bump has increased some since KENT'S Commentaries fell on it +from that top-shelf the other day." + +"I am going to toast my lovely ward," whispered Mr, DIBBLE to EDWIN; +"but I put BLADAMS first, because he was once a person to be respected, +and I treat him with politeness in place of a good salary." + +"Success to the Bump," said EDWIN DROOD, rather struck by this piece of +practical economy, and newly impressed with the standard fact that +politeness costs nothing. + +"And now," continued Mr. DIBBLE, with a wink in which his very ear +joined, "I give you the peerless Miss FLORA POTTS. BLADAMS, please +remember that there are others here to eat crackers besides yourself, +and join us in a health to Miss POTTS." + +"Let the toast pass, drink to the lass!" cried Mr. BLADAMS, husky with +crackers. "All ale to her!" + +"Count me in, too," assented EDWIN. + +"Dear me!" said the old lawyer, breaking a momentary spell of terror +occasioned by Mr. BLADAMS having turned blue and nearly choked to death +in a surreptitious attempt to swallow a cracker which he had previously +concealed in one of his cheeks. "Dear me! although I am a square, +practical man, I do believe that I could draw a picture of a true +lover's state of mind to-night." + +"A regular chromo," wheezed Mr. BLADAMS, encouragingly; pretending not +to notice that his employer was reaching an ineffectual arm after the +crackers at his own elbow. + +"Subject to the approving, or correcting, judgment of Mr. E. DROOD, I +make bold to guess that the modern true lover's mind, such as it is, is +rendered jerky by contemplation of the lady who has made him the object +of her virgin affectations," proceeded Mr. DIBBLE, looking intently at +EDWIN, but still making farther and farther reaches toward the distant +crackers, even to the increased tilting of his chair. "I venture the +conjecture, that if he has any darling pet name for her, such as +Pinky-winky,' 'Little Fooly,' 'Chignonentily,' or 'Waxy Wobbles,' he +feels horribly ashamed if any one overhears it, and coughs violently to +make believe that be never said it." + +It was curious to see EDWIN listening with changing color to this +truthful exposure of his young mind; the while, influenced +unconsciously, probably, by the speaker's example, he, too, had begun +reaching and chair-tilting toward the crackers across the table. What +time Mr. BLADAMS, at the opposite side of the board, had apparently sunk +into a sudden and deep slumber; although from beneath one of his folded +arms a finger dreamily rested upon the rim of the cracker-plate, and +occasionally gave it a little pull farther away from the approaching +hands. + +"My picture," continued Mr. DIBBLE, now quite hoarse, and almost +horizontal in his reaching, to EDWIN DROOD, also nearly horizontal in +the same way--"my picture goes on to represent the true lover as ever +eager to be with his dear one, for the purpose of addressing implacable +glares at the Other Young Man with More Property, whom She says she +always loved as a Brother when they were Children Together; and of +smiling bitterly and biting off the ends of his new gloves (which is +more than he can really afford, at his salary,) when She softly tells +him that he is making a perfect fool of himself. My picture further +represents him to be continually permeated by a consciousness of such +tight boots as he ought not to wear, even for the Beloved Object, and of +such readiness to have new cloth coats spoiled, by getting hair-oil on +the left shoulder, as shall yet bring him to a scene of violence with +his distracted tailor. It shows him, likewise, as filled with exciting +doubts of his own relative worth: that is, with self-questionings as to +whether he shall ever be worth enough to buy that cantering imported +saddle horse which he has already promised; to spend every summer in a +private cottage at Newport; to fight off Western divorces, and to pay an +eloquent lawyer a few thousands for getting him clear, on the plea of +insanity, after he shall have shot the Other Young Man with More +Property for wanting his wife to be a Sister to him, again, as she was, +you know, when they were Children Together." + +EDWIN, despite the coldness of the season, had perspired freely during +the latter part of the Picture, and sought to disguise his uneasiness at +its beautiful, yet severe truth, by a last push of his extended arm +toward the crackers. Quickly observing this, Mr. DIBBLE also made a +final desperate reach after the same object; so that both old man and +young, while pretending to heed each other's words only, were two-thirds +across the table, with their feet in the air and their chairs poised on +one leg each. At that very moment, by some unhappy chance, while nearly +the whole weight of the two was pressing upon their edge of the board, +Mr. BLADAMS abruptly awoke, and raised his elbows from his edge, to +relieve his arms by stretching. Released from his pressure, the table +flew up upon two legs with remarkable swiftness, and then turned over +upon Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. E. DROOD; bringing the two latter and their +chairs to the floor under a shower of plates and crackers, and resting +invertedly upon their prostrate forms, like some species of +four-pillared monumental temple without a roof. + +A person less amiable than the good Mr. DIBBLE would have borrowed the +name of an appurtenance of a mill, at least once, as a suitable +expression of his feelings upon such a trying occasion; but, instead of +this, when Mr. BLADAMS, excitedly crying "fire!" lifted the overturned +table from off himself and young guest, he merely arose to a sitting +position on the littered carpet, and said to EDWIN, with a smile and a +rub: "Pray, am I at all near the mark in my picture?" + +"I should say, sir," responded EDWIN, with a very strange expression of +countenance, also rubbing the back of his head, "that you are rather +hard upon the feelings of the unluckly lover. He may not show _all_ that +he feels--" + +There he paused so long to feel his nose and ascertain about its being +broken, that Mr. DIBBLE limped to his feet and ended that part of the +discussion by hobbling to an open iron safe across the office. + +Taking from a private drawer in this repository a small paper parcel, +containing a pasteboard box, and opening the latter, the old lawyer +produced what looked like a long, flat white cord, with shining tips at +either end. + +"This, Mr. EDWIN," said he, with marked emotion, "is a stay-lace, with +golden tags, which belonged to Miss FLORA'S mother. It was handed to me, +in the abstraction of his grief, by Miss FLORA'S father, on the day of +the funeral; be saying that he could never bear to look upon it again. +To you, as Miss FLORA'S future husband, I now give it." + +"A stay-lace!" echoed EDWIN, coming forward as quickly as his lameness +would allow, and staunching his swollen upper lip with a handkerchief. + +"Yes," was the grave response. "You have undoubtedly noticed, Mr. EDWIN, +that in every fashionable romance, the noble and grenadine heroine has a +habit of 'drawing herself up proudly' whenever any gentleman tries to +shake hands with her, or asks her how she can possibly be so majestic +with him. This lace was used by Miss FLORA'S mother to draw herself up +proudly with; and she drew herself up so much with it, that it finally +reached her heart and killed her. I here place it in your hands, that +you may ultimately give it to your young wife as a memento of a mother +who did nothing by halves but die. If you, by any chance, should not +marry the daughter, I solemnly charge you, by the memory of the living +and the dead, to bring it back to me." + +Receiving the parcel with some awe, EDWIN placed it in one of his +pockets. + +"BLADAMS." said Mr. DIBBLE, solemnly, "you are witness of the transfer." + +"Deponent, being duly sworn, does swear and cuss that he saw it, to the +best of his knowledge and belief," returned the clerk, helping Mr. DROOD +to resume his overcoat. + +When in his own room, at Gowanus, that night, Mr. DIBBLE, in his +nightcap, paused a moment before extinguishing his light, to murmur to +himself: "I wonder, now, whether poor POTTS confided his orphan child to +me because he knew that I might have been the successful suitor to the +mother if I had been worth a little more money just about then?" + +What time, in the law-office in town, Mr. BLADAMS was upon his knees on +the floor, tossing crackers from all directions on the carpet into his +mouth, like a farinacious goblin, and nearly suffocating whenever he +glanced at the disordered table. + +(To be Continued.) + + * * * * * + +THE FREE BATHS. + +[Illustration: 'P'] + +PUNCHINELLO begs to congratulate the Hon. W.M. TWEED upon his +inestimable boon to the public--the Free Baths. With regard to a certain +class--and a very large class--of the public of New York City, it has +sometimes been cynically asked, "Will it wash?" Since the establishment +of Free Baths under the Department of Public Works, that question has +been satisfactorily replied to in the affirmative. Hardworked mechanics +at once recognized the chance for a wash, and went at it with a rush. It +was Coney Island come to town, with the roughs left behind, and the +extortionate bathing-dress men, and the other disagreeable features of +that lovely but desecrated isle. In recognition of the decided success +of the new baths, and of the vast benefit that must be derived from them +by a large portion of the community, PUNCHINELLO begs to invest the Hon. +W. M. TWEED with the Blue Ribbon of the O.F.B., or "Originator of the +Free Baths." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: 'C'] + +CENTRAL PARK GARDEN is the subject of this article. + +It is all very well for the editor of PUNCHINELLO to require me to write +about the Plays and Shows, but how would he like to do it himself, with +the thermometer at 103 degrees, and the Fourth of July only just over? +And then, inasmuch as I am not a white-hatted philosopher, writing of +"What I know about Farming," how can I be expected to write of things +which have no existence? For, with the exception of the CENTRAL PARK +GARDEN, and one or two minor places of amusement, there are no plays and +shows at present in this happy city. + +We certainly owe the managers a debt of gratitude for closing their hot +and glaring theatres during this intolerable month. Of course nobody was +obliged to attend them while they were open; but then, when people were +told that the theatres were crowded to an uncomfortable extent, they +felt an irrepressible desire to go and be uncomfortable. + +It is one of the peculiar characteristics of Man, as distinguished from +the higher animals, that he will go through fire and water to get into a +theatre which he is told is crammed to the point of suffocation, whereas +he won't deign to enter one where he is sure to find a comfortable seat. +Now the charm of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN consists in this: that the +visitor can take his vapor bath in the Seventh Avenue cars on his way to +the Garden, and can enjoy the sweet consciousness of being jostled and +sat upon in the search for amusement, while he is still certain of +finding pure air and plenty of room at the GARDEN itself. + +By the bye, it has just occurred to me that the Fourth of July is +properly a show. It might be called a burlesque, but for the fact that +it is unaccompanied by the luxury of legs. Indeed, after the celebration +is over, there are always fewer legs in the nation than there were at +its commencement. There is no canon of criticism which would expurgate +legs from the theatrical burlesque, but there are cannons of Fourth of +July which do their best to abolish the incautious legs of patriotic +youth. I reconsider my purpose of writing of the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, +and will devote this column to the national show. + +I have somewhere read--not in BANCROFT'S History, of course; no man ever +did that and lived--that the Fourth of July was established in order to +commemorate our deliverance from a government which taxed us with +stamp-duties. How happy ought we to be when we reflect that, thanks to +our noble fathers who fought and bled at Long Branch. I should say +Nahant,--well, at some watering-place, I really forget precisely +where,--we have no taxes, and know not what a revenue stamp is like! +Thank fortune, we have no share in the national debt of Great Britain, +and have no national debt of our own that is worth mention. Besides, we +are going to found the little debt that we do owe, so that nobody will +ever be bothered about it again. + +I like this plan of funding debts; but, curiously enough, sordid +capitalists and miserly landlords don't. I offered the other day to fund +all my personal debts, in the shape of a long loan at three per cent, +but my creditors did not take kindly to the idea. Such is the sordid +meanness which is too sadly characteristic of the merely commercial +mind. But to return to our subject, which is, I believe, the CENTRAL +PARK GARDEN. + +It is curious how critics will differ. Here is a case in point. The +other night, at the CENTRAL PARK GARDEN, I sat near a table surrounded +by five well-known musical critics. THEODORE THOMAS had just led his +orchestra through the devious ways of the _Tannhauser_ overture, and I +naturally listened to hear the opinions which the critical five might +express. This is what they really did say. + +FIRST CRITIC. "Thank heavens, the music is over for a few minutes. Now, +boys, we'll have some more beer." + +SECOND CRITIC. "Not any for me, thank you. I'll have a Jamaica sour." + +THIRD CRITIC. "Bring me a claret punch." + +FOURTH CRITIC. "Whiskey cocktail" + +FIFTH CRITIC. "Well! I'll stick to beer. It's the best thing in this +weather." + +What ought a man to think of the _Tannhauser_, after hearing these five +contradictory opinions? For my own part I rather thought the cigars were +a trifle too strong. + +And there is just the same difference of opinion about THEODORE THOMAS'S +merits as a conductor. On this occasion there were two aged and indigent +musicians in the audience, who knew more about orchestral music than +even the present President of the Philharmonic Society, and to each of +them did I propound the question, "Is THOMAS a good conductor?" + +FIRST AGED PERSON. "My dear sir, he doesn't conduct at all. His +orchestra pays no attention to him, and plays in spite of the absurd and +meaningless passes which he makes with his _baton_." + +SECOND A. P. "My dear sir, he is the best conductor of the day. He has +made his orchestra the best in the country,--in fact, the only one. No +man has done more for our musical public than has THEODORE THOMAS." + +And as I ordered eleemosynary beer for these Aged Persons, and pondered +their slightly contradictory utterances in my mind, I heard a fair young +creature in a scarlet plimpton and a fleezy robe of Axminster remark, +"O! that dear delightful Mr. THOMAS. He is so Perfectly lovely! and his +coat fits him so divinely! He is ever so much handsomer than CARL +BERGMANN." + +While I agree most heartily with everything that I heard at the GARDEN +on the occasion which I have mentioned, I am not quite sure that the +establishment is either a play or a show. On the whole, I don't think I +had better say anything about it. If anybody has a different opinion, +let him express himself. If he don't like to take the trouble, let him +apply to ADAMS Express Company, which will express him to the end of the +world, if he should so desire. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +CRISPIN vs. COOLIE. + +For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,) +he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very +beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (_vide_ +his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the +hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although, +in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time, +beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m., +30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The +shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and +ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is, +"Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his +understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any +consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are +not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of +corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY, +it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native +American awl altogether. + +For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration. +He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink +nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or +brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf. +Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO +believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong +and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow +or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and +sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive +fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of +our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and +opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in +porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he +is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO +wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for +his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely +intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage +having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO. + +The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily +perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and +are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for +the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his +friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the +only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should +be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound +Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous +thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to +give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams, +Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers: + +[Illustration] + +Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual +friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it +more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all, +that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling +yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like +KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let +it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to +make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the +worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And +especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the +Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is +good enough to be buried in. + +And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and +which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe? + +[Illustration] + +O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious, +manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to +kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P. +is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about +it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats +dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder, +or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and +stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses? + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other +shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently +judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employe; but fearing that he +might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance) +most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace +by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a +misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr. +P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the +Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail, +whatever natural tears its loss may occasion. + + * * * * * + +SEE THE POINT? + + EDWIN and ANGELINA took a sail up the lovely Hudson. + As they sailed on and on, EDWIN said to his ANGELINA: + "Dearest love, don't let your cerulean eyes rest upon West Point." + "And why not, darling old tootsicums?" asked ANGELINA. + "Because they have colored pupils in them, light of my life," replied + EDWIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: No, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE "BLONDES". THIS IS FITZ +FADDLE, WHOSE CLOTHES WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS BATHING, AND WHO HAS +CONVERTED HIS UMBRELLA INTO A TEMPORARY GARMENT, CLOTHED IN WHICH HE IS +MAKING HIS WAY TO HIS HOTEL. THE REASON WHY HE WHISTLES IS TO LOOK AS IF +HE DIDN'T CARE.] + + * * * * * + +FOAM;[1] + +OR + +HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING. + + +A LYRICAL DRAMA. + + +_Played with immense success at the summer residence of_ Gen. GRANT, _at +Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights._[2] + +ACT I. + +_Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a +bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of +coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter +from the adjoining hall,_ MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, _dressed in a tattered +morning wrapper_.) + +JENKINS. (_Loq_.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into +the country. But where shall I go?[3] (_Sings_:) + + If I'm any judge of the weather, + The days are refreshingly hot, + Though one place's as good as another, + I think I'll get out of this spot; + But where shall I go? + Where shall I go? + Where shall I go + For the summer? + +(_Looks at table_.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold. +(_Reflectively_.) I guess I'll eat. (_Sits down and hurts the hash.) + +(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance +around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)_ + + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE, + Why did you go for to do so? + JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE. + +SERVANT GIRL. (_Sings_.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir. + +WASHERWOMAN. " Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir. + +HATTER. " Pay for the hats you have worn, sir. + +SHOEMAKER. " Pay for the boots that are gone, sir. + +(_All sing_:) + + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE, + Why did you go for to do so? + JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! + Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE. + +(JENKINS _rises from the table and sings_:) + + I've a castle in Spain, + Filled with ingots of gold, + I've a mine in Golconda, + Whose wealth is untold. + Then dry up your tears, + Come out of your sorrow, + I'll pay what I owe, + I'll pay you to-morrow, + I'll pay you to-morrow, + All that I owe. + +(_Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing_:) + + We feel, we feel, we feel, + We feel like a young typhoon; + We hope, we hope, we hope, + We hope you'll be paying soon. + +(_Exeunt Servant-girl, et al_.) + +JENKINS. (_Loq._) Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the +provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well, +let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise. +(_Puts things in his valise. Sings_:) + + It's rich that I am, am I not? + Just look at the fixings I've got; + Here's a brush, here's a comb, + Both are for fixing my dome, + A tooth-brush and collar, that's all, + My baggage's conveniently small. + +JENKINS. (_Loq_.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on +that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this +will do, this triple-sheet _Tribune_, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle. +That'll fill it. (_Shoves paper in valise_.) Now for my hat and coat. +(_Puts them on_.) Off I go. (_Sings_:) + + I'm off, I'm off, + I'm off for Long Branch, + I'll have a jolly old time, + I'll have a jolly old time, + I'll bathe in the surf, + I'll ride on the turf, + Dance with the girls, + Steal all their pearls, + And have a jolly old time. + +(_Exit_ JENKINS) + +_Curtain_ + +[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf."] + +[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular +than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one +nights.] + +[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.] + + +ACT II. + +_Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water, +real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain +and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no +make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin +would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute +necessity._ + +[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the +auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage +carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the +scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those +superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will +slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken +(the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not +responsible for it.] + +_As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock, +singing_: + + Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy! + Hark, as we holler, + Six for a dollar, + Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy! + +_Real scream from steam whistle._ JENKINS _obeys the orange-women, and +goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream, +when_ JENKINS _reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by_ +JENKINS, _twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all +the sailors shout. + +Curtain_ + +[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that +I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact +space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.] + +(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he +can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and +milk.) + + +ACT III. + +_Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter_ +JENKINS, _disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat, +with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows, +grinds the hand-organ, and sings:_ + + Gaily the troubadour + Touched his or-gan, + As he came staggering + Home with a can-- + +(_Numerous heads put out of numerous windows_.) + +[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here +requested to take a long breath.] + +_1st Window._ Stop that howling! + +_2d_ " Dry up, you idiot! + +_3d_ " Cork that organ! + +_4th_ " Bust that music-box! + +(And so on, _ad infinitum_, until all the supes are used up; the supes +can probably supply their own language of the above kind.) + +(_Windows shut. Enter_ JULIETTE, _from window_.) + +JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE! + +JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS! + +JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (_She rests on his bosom_.) + +JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho! + +JULIETTE. (_Sings_:) + + I never loved him in my life, + I never loved his baby, + I'll slip out some dark night, + And marry JENKINS, maybe. + +JENKINS. (_Sings:_) + + Pretty maid, if I kiss, + Will you faint away, + Will you cry for your pa, + Pretty maiden, say? + If I press dainty lips, + Will you make a screech? + If you do, I'll away, + And you cannot peach. + + Pretty maid, do not faint, + Charming little belle, + Mind you now, pretty maid, + Do not kiss and tell. + +(_He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge_.) + +JULIETTE. (_Sings_:) + + You are going far away, + Far away from poor JULIETTE, + And there's no one left to love me now, + I fear you'll too forget. + +(_Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks_ JENKINS, _Heavy +Father then seizes_ JULIETTE _and leads her into house_. JENKINS +_skedaddles_.) + +_Enter_ JENKINS _at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast +clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings_: + + I went, I went, + As meek as any lamb, + He took me, yes, he took me + For some other man. + +_Curtain_. + +(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic +song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.) + +Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words +"will be." + +After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is +ever played at all." + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILL-BRED DOGS. + +WEST-POINTERS, SETTING AT A BLACKBIRD.] + + * * * * * + +ON DORGS. + + * * * * * + +Dorgs are very useful animals, especially when you have nothing handy +for dinner, and can get them to catch a rabbit for you. + +A dorg is a very devoted animal, and should not be taxed, as its master +often is, by its various eccentricities--when it makes off with his +dinner, for instance, or leaves dental impressions on the meat in the +pantry. Indeed, its owner is sometimes tempted to imitate his _canis_ in +the lifting business, and often with such success as to get board and +lodging free. + +Dorgs are pugnacious critters. I had one that set on every fellow of its +kind he came across, and took such an affectionate grab of his foe, that +nothing would divide them till death did them part. + +I noticed, however, that this dorg of mine was mostly fond of the +smaller fry, attacking them most vigorously, and barking from the +door-steps at the larger. + +I once had a dorgy (diminutive of dorg, _alias_ puppy,) which was very +fond of me, especially when I gave it something nice--which is nothing +but human nature in the third degree. It got knocked about a good deal, +especially its legs, so that it contracted a sort of hopping movement. I +could not get it to catch mice; it seemed to think them third cousins, +or something of the kind, and was very fond of playing with them; while, +on the other hand, I had a large dorg which we kept by us when we took +grain from the rick--I think he managed about 30 per minute. I never +could follow them down his throat, but his increased bulk was a kind of +index to the number. He generally lay by the kitchen fire twenty-four +hours after his banquet, to recover himself. + +I once tried my small dorg at the swimming business, by throwing him +into a shallow pond. I had to go in after the beast pretty smart, boots, +trowsers, socks, and all. He and I had a roast by the fire that evening. +My trowsers, however, getting overdone in the operation, I lost $4 by +this experiment. + +Dorgs are very fond of coat-tails and back-pockets, when some unseen +attraction lies there. They don't believe in appetite-assuagers "wasting +their fragrance on the desert air;" and will make vigorous efforts to +take possession of the hidden treasure, at any risk whatsoever. + +As this is the time I and my dorg go visiting, I must jerk up the +machine for the present. I hope my remarks have done you some good. The +motto I always follow is, "Brevity is the soul of wit." + +BILL BISCAY. + + * * * * * + +INSPIRATION VS. PERSPIRATION. + +Flannel, being an absorbent, has usually been recommended as the best +material for under-clothing in sweltering weather, such as that of the +present summer. An ingenious gentleman of this city, however, has +discovered that a full under-suit of blotting-paper is by far more +efficacious than flannel, and he has taken out a patent for the idea. +The article will not come under the denomination of dry goods. + + * * * * * + +THE RIGHT MAN. + +A Brooklyn item states as follows: + +"Justice LYNCH is to have a new court-house in the Twenty-first Ward." + +Why in that Ward, only? Have we not a Fourth Ward here, in New York, +and a Sixth Ward, and an Eighth Ward, and a Seventeenth Ward? Judge +LYNCH is just the man needed in each and all of these wards, and he may +be found there yet. + + * * * * * + +STRANGELY COINCIDENTAL. + +The Ice Panic and the Coolie Problem. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHINESE EXPERIMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS. + +THE GREAT SHOE MANUFACTURER SERENELY CONTEMPLATES HIS HIVE OF CELESTIAL +BEES.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +It is related of the Prince of Wales, that, driving home from the late +Derby Races, he lifted his hat to a group of ladies, and by accident +dropped a glove, whereupon the fair ones dived eagerly into the dirt for +it, while his Royal Highness laughed heartily at the scramble. Young +ladies this side of the Atlantic, it may be said with justice, are quite +as practiced divers; but when the darlings duck their fingers into the +dirt before any young fellow here, it more frequently happens that they +are not after his glove, or his heart, so much as his pocketbook. + + * * * * * + +The practice, quite common among rustic gentlemen, of visiting the city +for the purpose of beholding the "elephant," doubtless suggested to the +late Sir THOMAS BROWNE the following advice which he gave his son, who +was about entering upon his studies in the department of Natural +History: + +"When you see the elephant, observe whether he bendeth his knees before +and behind forward differently from other quadrupeds, as Aristotle +observeth; and whether his belly be the softest and smoothest part." + +It is possible that some elephants have a habit of bending at the +knee-joints differently from others. Indeed, this reflection is more +than likely when we consider how many elephants there are, and upon what +evil doings many of them are bent, but it is not so evident that a +neophyte in this branch of knowledge could derive any benefit from +following Sir THOMAS'S injunctions. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to substitute +for the above, some advice which he thinks would produce a vastly more +salutary effect, and that to keep away from elephants altogether. Men of +experience will bear out our assertion, that the much talked of "horns +of a dilemma" are nothing to the tusks of an elephant; for it is +possible for a person to hang upon the aforesaid "horns" without fatal +results, but the party who is impaled upon the tusks of an elephant is +generally ever after indifferent to the opinions of mankind. + + * * * * * + +CRITICAL. + +"Where do you intend to Summer?" asked JOWLER of GROWLER, one day in the +"heated term." + +"Summer?" retorted GROWLER--"is that what _you_ call it?--_I_ call it +Simmer." + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL. + +PRINCE ARTHUR has taken his departure for England. It is but just to say +that the regiment to which he belongs is not the same Rifle Brigade by +which the Coney Island boats are controlled. + + * * * * * + +GRANT'S BLACKBIRD PIE. + +AIR: SING A SONG O' SIXPENCE. + + Sing about a Treaty + Got up to supply + Half a million Black birds + For the Union Pie. + When the fact was published, + Swindlers at Sing Sing + Said the Author's one of us-- + Let us call him King. + + FISH was at the Treasury + Clamoring for the money, + GRANT was in the "Blue-room" + Looking blithe and sunny, + MORBILL, in the Senate, + Brought things to a close-- + GRANT'S half million Black birds + Vanished with the noes. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTED BY THE HEAT OF THE COOLIE QUESTION. + +Knees that the Crispins are constantly down on--Chi-nese. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE RESULT OF THAT "CHINESE PUZZLE." + +A Chinese Fizzle. + + * * * * * + +ECLIPSE OF THE "SUN." + +JIMMY the bootblack, says he "shines for all--price ten cents." + + * * * * * + +TO U,'LYSS. + +ON THE REJECTION OF THE BAEZ TREATY. + + Behold how fickle Fortune the great ULYSSES treats, + Gives him victories in war-time, in peace heaps up defeats. + His Southern laurels linger a coronet of praise; + But a friendly Senate withers his San Domingan bays. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: YAN-KI vs. YAN-KEE. + +SHOWING THE DESCENT OF CELESTIAL CRISPINS UPON THE SHOEMAKERS OF THE BAY +STATE AND HOW THEY ROBBED THE NATIVE COBBLER OF HIS _ALL_.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GEEEN AT THE TOWER OF BABEL. + + +HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.-A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE. + + +While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the +old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands +there. + +My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of +eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded +individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely: + +"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished +bildin' is." + +"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to +find out." + +"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will +relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle +analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash." + +"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of +stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further +than a Bohemian's." + +He then began the follerin' histry: + +"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his +cognovit. + +"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day +to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as +well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree. + +"One day this _Jerkt_ farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about +irrigation. + +"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems +which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their +land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow +bully. + +"He was a great advocate of Dams. + +"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller +man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems _pro temper_, +and were dammed pooty sudden." + +"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I, +interuptin' the old man. + +"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got +onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he. + +"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE +TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON." + +"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'". + +He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin' +ways. + +"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of +doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their +was a flood--yes sir, a flood. + +"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the +passengers all drowned. + +"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the +inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any +well-organized Ring. + +"Only one bote lode was saved. + +"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed +enough to own that craft. + +"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his +family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild +animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their +papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark. + +"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters +dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them +new-fashioned tar pavements. + +"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden +and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense. + +"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun +preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times. + +"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and +hangin' all his close on a lamp-post. + +"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot +rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's +nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from +his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades. + +"NOAH didn't like niggers. + +"Not much he didn't. + +"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian. + +"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he _Horris +Greelyzed_ him in the follerin' well-known words: + +"Cussed be Kanan.' + +"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER, +whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and +I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other +chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men, +NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and +strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade. + +"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time. + +"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's +eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were +bein' sold to the highest bidder. + +"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another: + +"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now +till dooms-day.' + +"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt, + +"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.' + +"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and +the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff. + +"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was +called Black Friday. + +"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils. + +"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers. + +"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the +head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter. + +"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of +Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses." + +"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too +thick?" + +"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun." + +"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed. + +"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any +more. + +"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great +Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big +Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed. + +"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and +that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead +stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and +fokes dident know where the money was all gone to." + +The old man paused. + +I sprung to my feet. + +"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some +of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a +contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused +so many to sin. + +In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him: + + "I want to be a contracter, + And with contracters share." + +After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born +he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand, +and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut. + +Adux, PUNCHINELLO. + +Ewers and so 4thly, + +HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, _Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +ALL STUFF! + +That crusty old bachelor, CUMGRUMBLE, objects to the franchise being +extended to women, on the ground that, since they have become so +accustomed to padding their persons, they would inevitably take to +"stuffing" the ballot-boxes. + + * * * * * + +CHICAGO ECCENTRICITIES. + +A newspaper item tells about a horse in Chicago that chews tobacco. + +Well, we can beat that in New York. Only a few days ago we saw Commodore +VANDERBILT driving one of his fast teams in Harlem Lane, and both the +horses were Smoking like mad. + +But the item adds that the Chicago horse actually picks the hostler's +pocket of tobacco. + +Well, that is just what one might expect of a Chicago horse. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + + +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS. + + +After, all there is nothing like nature, in her primevality. When man +attempts to add a finishing-touch to the loveliness of the forest, lake, +or ocean, he makes a botch of it. What would the glowing tropics be, if +Park Commissioners had charge of them? The heart, sick of the giddy +flutterings of Man, seeks the sympathy of the shadowy dell, where the +jingle of coin is heard not, and where the votaries of fashion flaunt +not their vain tissues in the ambient air. + +So, last week, thought Mr. P., and the moment he could get away he went +on a little trip to the Dismal Swamp. + +There he found Nature--there was primevality indeed! An instantaneous +_rapport_ took place between his feelings and the scene; of which the +delicious loveliness can be imagined from this picture. + +[Illustration: TREES +WATER.] + +As he slowly floated along the shingle canal, from Suffolk to the +"Dismal," what raptures filled his soul! Here, in the recesses of that +solemn mixture of trees and water, which they were rapidly approaching, +he could commune with his own soul, as it were. Mr. P. had never +communed with his own soul, as it were, though he knew it must be a nice +thing, because he had read so much about it. So he determined to try it. +It was a delightful anticipation--like scenting a new fancy drink. + +But his reflections were rudely interrupted. The men who propelled the +scow which Mr. P. had chartered, had not pushed it more than four or +five miles into the mystic recesses of the Swamp, when they suddenly +stopped with a cry of "Breakers ahead!" Mr. P. rushed to the bow, and +there he beheld two doleful heads just peering above the waters of the +narrow canal. He started back in amazement. He thought, at first, that +they were Naiads--(they could not be Dryads)--or some other watery +spirits of these wilds. But he soon saw that they were nothing of the +kind. It was only Messrs. SCHENCK, of Ohio, and KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, +and through the limpid water it was easy to see that each of them was +endeavoring to raise a sunken log from the bottom. + +[Illustration] + +"Why, what in the world are you doing here?" cried Mr. P. + +Mr. SCHENCK, of Ohio, looked up sadly, and, dropping his log upon the +bottom, stood upon it, and thus replied: + +"You may well be surprised, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, but we are here for the +public good. We have reason to suspect, that, following the example of +the Chinese Opium-smugglers, the vile traitors who are trying to break +down our iron interests have smuggled quantities of scrap--iron into +this country, and it is our belief that these sunken logs have been +bored and are full of it." + +At this Mr. P. laughed right out. + +"Oh, you may laugh if you please!" cried SCHENCK, of Ohio, "and perhaps +you can tell me why these logs are so heavy--why they lie here at the +bottom instead of floating--why--" but at this instant he slipped from +the log on which he was standing, and with a splash and a bubbling, he +disappeared. The men who were pushing the scow thought this an admirable +opportunity to pass on, and shouting to KELLEY, of Pennsylvania, to bob +his head, the gallant bark floated safely over these enthusiastic +conservators of our iron interests. + +Although diverted for a time by this incident, a shadow soon began to +spread itself gradually over the mind of Mr. P. Was there, then, no +place where the subtle influence of man did not spread itself like a +noxious gas?--Where, oh, where! could one commune with his own soul, as +it were? + +At length they reached Lake Drummond, that placid pool in the somnolent +shades, and Mr. P. put up at the house of a melancholy man, with a fur +cap, who lived in a cabin on the edge of the lonely water. + +For supper they had catfish, and perch, and trout, and seven-up, and +euchre, and poker, and when the meal was over Mr. P. went out for a +moonlight row upon the lake. He had to make the most of his time, for it +would take him so long to get back to Nassau street, you know. He had +not paddled his scow more than half an hour over the dark but +moon-streaked waters of the lake, when he met with the maiden who, all +night long, by her firefly lamp, doth paddle her light canoe. This +estimable female steered her bark alongside the scow, and to the +startled Mr. P. she said: "Have you my tickets?" + +[Illustration] + +"Tickets!" cried Mr. P. "Me?--tickets? What tickets?" + +"Why, one ticket, of course, on the Norfolk, Petersburg and Richmond +line; and a through ticket from Richmond to New York, by way of +Fredericksburg and Washington. What other tickets could I mean?" + +"I know nothing about them," said Mr. P.; "and what can you possibly +want with railroad tickets?" + +"Oh, I am going to leave here," said she. + +"Indeed!" cried Mr. P. "Going to leave here--this lake; this swamp; this +firefly lamp? To leave this spot, rendered sacred to your woes by the +poem of the gifted MOORE--" + +"No more!" cried she. "I'm tired of hearing everybody that comes to this +pond a-singin' that doleful song." + +"That is to say," said Mr. P., with a smile, "if your canoe is birch, +_you_ are Sycamore." + +"That's so," she gravely grunted. + +"But tell me," said Mr. P., "where in the world can you be going?" + +At this the maiden took a straw, and ramming it down the chimney of her +lamp, stirred up the flies until they glittered like dollar jewelry. +Then she chanted, in plaintive, tones, the following legend: + + "Three women came, one moonlight night, + And tempted me away. + They said, 'No longer on this lake, + Good maiden, must you stay. + + We're SUSAN A. and ANNA D., + And LUCY S. also, + And what a lone female can do + We want the world to know. + + No better instance can we give, + Oh, Indian maid! than you, + How woman can, year after year. + Paddle her own canoe.'" + +"Just so," said Mr. P., "but don't you think that as you are--that is to +say--that not being of corporeal substance--by which I mean having been +so long departed, as it were; or, to speak more plainly--" + +"Oh, yes! I know.--Dead, you mean," said the maiden. "But that makes no +difference. They'll be glad enough of a ghost of an example." + +"Yes, yes," said Mr. P. "And yet their cause is good enough. I don't see +why they should make up--" + +He would have said more, but turning, he saw that the Indian maid, +despairing of her tickets, had gone. + +The next day Mr. P. went home himself. He communed with his own soul, as +it were, for a little while, and has no doubt it did him a deal of good. +But it would take so long to get back to his office, you see. + +As a cheap watering place, where there are no fancy drives or fancy +horses; no club-houses; no big hotels; no gay company; nor anything to +tempt a man to sacrifice health and money in the empty pursuit of +pleasure, Mr. P. begs to recommend the Dismal Swamp. + +If he knew of any other watering place of which as much might be said, +he would mention it--but he don't. + + * * * * * + +NOTES FROM CHICAGO. + +"In the spring a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of Love," +and Picnics--and this is the time for them; consequently, the attention +of the Western public is turned thoroughly and religiously to what may +be considered as one of the most important results of civilization and +refinement. We (the Western public) regard picnics as highly +advantageous to health and beauty, promoting social sympathy and +high-toned alimentiveness, advancing the interests of the community and +the ultimate welfare of the nation. In the first place, they are the +means, working indirectly, but surely, of encouraging the domestic +virtues and affections, the peace and harmony of families, because on +these festive occasions, the lunch is the most striking and attractive +feature, and, in order to obtain this in its highest perfection, the +culinary abilities of the lady participants are necessarily called into +action--those talents which have fallen somewhat into disrepute, +notwithstanding Professor BLOT'S magnanimous efforts to restore the +glories of the once honored culinary art. Therefore a picnic may be +considered as a great moral agency in promoting domestic happiness; for +what is so likely to touch the heart and arouse the slumbering +sensibility of a husband and father, as a roast of beef done to a charm, +or an _omelette soufflee_ presenting just that sublime tint of +yellowness which can only be attained by means of the most delicate +refinement and discrimination? No other attention, however flattering, +is so soon recognised, or gratefully appreciated. + +After one of these innocent festivals has been fully decided upon, then +we always select a day when gathering clouds predict, most +unmistakeably, a coming storm, because, what would a picnic be without +some excitement of this kind? A pudding minus the sauce, a sandwich +without the mustard, a joke without the point. What pleasure _could_ +there be in a dry picnic? Ladies never appear to such excellent +advantage, never are so utterly bewitching, as when, with light summer +dresses bedraggled and dirty, they cling helplessly to their protectors, +or run in frantic haste to some place of shelter--for it is only when a +woman (or a gentle bovine) runs, that the poetry of motion is fully +realized. Then the gentlemen! Under what circumstances are they ever so +chivalric as during a pouring rain, when, wet to the skin, they assist +the faintly-shrieking beauties over the mud puddles, and hold umbrellas +tenderly above chignons and uncrimping crimps! To be sure they do not +often act as Sir WALTER RALEIGH did, but then they do not wear velvet +cloaks, and what would be the wit of throwing a piece of broadcloth or +white linen into the mud? + +We have champagne picnics, lemonade and cold water picnics, and some, +which, although they cannot be classed under the head of hot water, +still manage, before they are through, to get all the participants into +it. We have widows' and widowers' picnics, a kind of reunion for the +encouragement of mutual consolation, where, meandering through green +fields and under nodding boughs, they can talk or muse upon the virtues +of the "dear departed," and the probable merits of the "coming man," or +woman. + +Then the anti-matrimonials have theirs, too, always exceedingly select, +where the men look frightened, and the women indignant, and which +partakes somewhat of the character of a Methodist prayer-meeting, the +gentlemen all clinging to each other as if for protection, evidently in +bodily fear of another Sabine expedition, with the order of the +programme, however, a little reversed in regard to the two sexes. The +Sanitary department also indulges in a little treat of this kind, and in +such a case, it becomes really a duty. After guarding the city's health +for so long a time, after sternly following up Scarlet-fevers, +Small-poxes, and Ship-plagues, and driving them forth from their chosen +haunts, it certainly needs to look after its own constitution a little, +and sharpen, by country airs and odors, the powers probably deteriorated +amid the noxious vapors of city alleys and by-ways. + +The Teachers' Institute, too, looking at the thing physiologically, +psychologically, and phrenologically, after mature deliberation, +conclude to descend to a little harmless amusement, contriving, however, +to mingle some instructive elements with the frivolous ones that less +enlightened spirits delight in. For instance, the flowers, that are +truly the "alphabet of angels" to the simple souls that love the violets +and daisies for their own sweet sakes, offer a very different alphabet +to the "Schoolma'ams" and Professors. They are no longer flowers, but +specimens, each bud and blossom pleading in vain for life, as ruthless +fingers coolly dissect them to discover whether they are poly or +mollyandria. And what an ignoramus you must be, if you do not know that +a balloon-vine is a _Cardiospernum Halicactum_. The "feast" on these +occasions is that "of reason" alone, encyclopedias and dictionaries +being all the nourishment required, although a stray bottle here and +there might hint at "the flow" of a little something beside "soul." + +Then there are the Good Templars' picnics, where "water, cold water for +me, for me," is supposed to be the sentiment of every heart, mixing the +beverage sometimes, however, with a little innocent tea, or coffee; and +the Masonic festivals, where pretty white aprons and silver fringes, +shining amid green dells and vales, present quite a picturesque and +imposing appearance; and the Fenians, looking sometimes greener than the +haunts they are seeking. + +Then every distinct and individual Sunday-school in the city has a +picnic, which it would be well to attend, if you are anxious to see the +diversities and eccentricities of youthful appetites fearfully +illustrated.--When the loaves and fishes were distributed, there could +not have been many growing boys present.--And beside these, the family +picnics, most cosy little affairs, represented by one big fat man, one +delicate-faced woman, one maiden-aunt, four graduated boys, and five +graduated girls, all piled into one big fat carriage, drawn by two big +fat horses. But it is the Germans who take the palm, and here language +fails, though beer doesn't. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +GENUS SQUALUS--THE SHARK. + +Linnaeus classifies the Sharks as the Squalidae family, and they are, +upon the whole, as unpleasant a family as a Squalid Castaway would +desire to meet with in a Squall. They are all carnivorous, +cartilaginous, and cantankerous. No fish culturist, from St. ANTHONY to +SETH GREEN, has thought it worth while to take them in hand, with the +view of reforming them, and their Vices are as objectionable now as they +were three thousand years ago. If a sailor falls overboard, the +Contiguous Shark considers it a _casus belli_, and immediately makes a +pitch at the tar, with the intention of putting itself outside of him. +Failing in that, it generally shears off a limb before it sheers away. +Herds of sharks instinctively follow fever-ships, and when the dead are +thrown into the sea, are seen by the seamen in the shrouds, ready to +perform the office of Undertakers. In the vicinity of the Trades, they +sometimes lie under the counters of merchantmen for days together. +Nothing comes amiss to them, from a midshipman to a marrow-bone, and it +may be interesting to politicians to know that Repeaters and Rings have +occasionally been found in the maws of these monsters. They bite readily +at "Salt horse," and, when hooked with a rattan in throat, may be yanked +on board with the bight of a hawser. An enormous specimen sometimes gets +caught in a forecastle yarn. In this case, never interfere with the +thread of the narrative by asking impertinent questions, however +difficult it may be to hoist it in. + +Sharks abound at Newport, Long Branch, Cape May, and other +watering-places, at this season of the year, and many victims are seized +there by the Legs. The Bottle-Nose Shark is to be found in every +harbor--generally in the vicinity of the Bar. He may be known from the +other varieties by the redness of his gills. He is often seen disporting +himself among the Shallows, but is usually too Deep to be pulled up. +White Sharks are frequently observed hovering about emigrant ships in +the vicinity of the Battery, and the Blue Shark is now and then hauled +up as far North as Mulberry Street, while trying, as it were, to get on +the other side of JOURDAN. In China, nobody objects to take the fin of a +Shark, but in this country, when a Shark extends his fin to an honest +man, it is always rejected with contempt. This voracious creature is +common both in the Temperate and Torrid Zones. It has, in fact, no +particular habitat, but is found in Diver's places in almost every +latitude. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE. + +WHAT'S THE USE OF GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF A VISIT TO NIAGARA FALLS, WHEN +SUCH A GRAND SHOWER-BATH AS THIS CAN BE EXTEMPORIZED IN THE GARDEN?] + + * * * * * + +A MOTLEY MELODY. + +AIR: OLD MOTHER HUBBARD. + + Feast-loving MOTLEY + Over a bottle he + Quite overlooks Uncle SAM. + He asks not for chink, + So JOHN BULL, with a wink, + "Alabama" proclaims All a bam. + + When he goes to State dinners to fill out his skin, + _Amor Patriae_ leaks out as the turtle goes in. + + When he hob-nobs with ministers--capital sport--All + our losses at Sea he condoneth in Port. + + When by Britons soft-soaped, he's delighted to lave + In the lather that's only laid on for a shave. + + When to Downing street called, with a bow and a scrape + He accepts, in the place of hard dollars, red tape. + + When a guest at the table of London's Lord Mayor, + He Tables our Claim while addressing the Chair. + + And whenever he mingles with transmarine nobs + He is always the PRINCE OF AMERICAN SNOBS. + + * * * * * + +"SWALLOW, SWALLOW," ETC. + +THE inevitable "enormous gooseberry" of the provincial newspaper "local" +has made its appearance. It is smaller than usual, being only three +inches in circumference; but that is a great advantage to persons +desirous of swallowing it. + + * * * * * + +TO WHOM IT MAY BE INTERESTING. + +AMONG the Japanese students in Rutger's College, there is one who revels +in the very suggestive name of HASHI-GUTCHI. Keepers of cheap +boarding-houses are warned against harboring that young man. + + * * * * * + +LETTER FROM A JAPANESE STUDENT. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me. My name +SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read +muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have +also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans +to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great +statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee +treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How +too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great +American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also +payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich +peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there +then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How +that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they +say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink +of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims. +They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee +much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me +who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain +and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much +of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle +me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that +Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that +island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State +papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what +you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get +book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain +buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for +shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They +tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid, +no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby. + +Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he +go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you +makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much +different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go +fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke +opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for +Japanee trade. + +Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans +he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella +him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh +much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot. +He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear +one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him, +"No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you +call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I +tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So +Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he +no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands. + +People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I +no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go +talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him +cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for +Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers. +TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill. + +Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have +wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away +when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much +questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money +shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast. + +SOOGIWOORA + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Offer an Immense Job Lot of Various + +DRESS GOODS, + +At 12-1/2 cents per yard, + +VIZ: + +PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS, + +Mozambiques, Printed Alpaca Lusters, + +FINEST QUALITY AND CHOICEST +COLORS, + +BROCHE GRENADINES, +&c., &c. + +OTHER DESCRIPTIONS PROPORTIONATELY LOW. + +THE GREATEST BARGAINS +YET OFFERED. + +The above will be exhibited in the center section +on the Fourth Avenue side. + +_The Residents of our Neighboring Cities are Respectfully_ + +INVITED TO EXAMINE. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +Are Offering + +100 PIECES HEAVY +GROS GRAIN STRIPED SILKS, + +At $1.25 and $1.50 per yard; former +price $2 and $2.50. + +Also, +CHECKED, STRIPED, AND BROCHE + +POPLINETTES, + +IN LIGHT AND DARK SHADES, + +50 cents per yard; wholesale price, $1. + +A LARGE JOB LOT OF + +RICH SILKS, + +From 75 cents per yard upward. + +ROUBAIX SILKS, Wide, +Reduced to $1.25 per yard. + +REAL CHAMBRAY GAUZES, +Only 75 cents. + +The above prices have been made to suit the times, +and to induce Customers to purchase. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +Will continue to offer novelties in Linen. Lawn, +Pique, and Organdie Suits, suitable for Street +and Evening Wear. + +THE BALANCE OF THEIR + +Paris and Domestic Made Silk, +Organdie and Tulle +DRESSES, + +A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER, AT PRICES LESS THAN +ONE HALF THEIR ORIGINAL COST, + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +ARE OFFERING EVERY VARIETY OF LADIES' +AND GENTLEMEN'S + +FURNISHING GOODS, + +UNDERWEAR, +HOSIERY, GLOVES, +PARASOLS, UMBRELLAS, +LINEN SHIRTS, COLLARS, CUFFS, +&c., &c. + +_AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._ + +BROADWAY, + +4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. + +Subscription for one year, (with $200 premium,) $4.00 + " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 + " " three months, " " 1.00 +Single copies mailed free, for 10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S CHROMOS +for subscriptions as follows: + +A copy of paper for one year, and + +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. Size 8 3-8 by +11 1-8 ($2.00 picture,) for $4.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. + +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. + +Easter Morning 6-3/4 x 10-1/4 for $5.00. + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. + +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. + +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. + +Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. (Dog and +Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. + +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8 + +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2 for $7.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. + +Cherries and Baskets. + +Currants. Each 13x18. + +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. + +Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2 for $8.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00 for $9.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt.) 18-1/8 x 12 + +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. + +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. + +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, +(companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00. + +Remittances should be made in P.0. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks +on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the +first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty +cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS +will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. + +No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Sidewalk Dealer_. "BUY A FINE-TOOTH COMB, MISTER--IT'LL +KEEP YOUR HAT SMOOTH."] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. --> All on the same premises, and under +immediate supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +The Weekly Numbers for June, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil +Paintings. sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory." +Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp. + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL +WEEKLY PAPER, + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the +day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless +postage stamps are inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 2783, New York. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +BY + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with +superb illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S +FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he +appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the same number. + + * * * * * + +_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, +free,) Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes +to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 17, July 23, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 23, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9885.txt or 9885.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/8/8/9885/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |