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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/970-h.zip b/970-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50718b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/970-h.zip diff --git a/970-h/970-h.htm b/970-h/970-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5a8e0f --- /dev/null +++ b/970-h/970-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3336 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories + +Author: Cal Stewart + +Release Date: July 31, 2008 [EBook #970] +Last Updated: February 6, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + UNCLE JOSH'S <br /> PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Cal Stewart + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Preface + </h2> + <h3> + To the Reader. + </h3> + <p> + The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an + occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get the + laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his. + </p> + <p> + In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet one + true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity. + Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there is + a bright side to everything. + </p> + <p> + Sincerely Yours + </p> + <p> + Cal Stewart + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linksketch"> Life Sketch of Author </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> My Old Yaller Almanac </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> Uncle Josh in Society </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> Uncle Josh in a Museum </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> Uncle Josh in Wall Street </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> Uncle Josh and the Fire Department </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> Uncle Josh in an Auction Room </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> Uncle Josh in a Department Store </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New + York </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> Uncle Josh on a Street Car </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> Uncle Josh in Police Court </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> Uncle Josh at Coney Island </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Uncle Josh at the Opera </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Uncle Josh at Delmonico's </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> It is Fall </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Si Pettingill's Brooms </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> Uncle Josh Plays Golf </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> Jim Lawson's Hogs </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> A Meeting of the Annanias Club </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> A Meeting of the School Directors </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> The Unveiling of the Organ </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> Uncle Josh on a Bicycle </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Reminiscence of My Railroad Days </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Uncle Josh at a Circus </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White + Death </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> Who Marched in Sixty-One </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><a name="linksketch" id="linksketch"></a> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Life Sketch of Author + </h2> + <p> + THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we had + to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their + fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not + have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured a + common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or rather + home left me—things just petered out. I was slush cook on an Ohio + River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs of + Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. K. & + T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first appearance + on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have since + then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross ties (and walked + them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made love to the big + girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine and ran the + engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and ran a + locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check clerk in a freight + house; worked on the section; have been a shot gun messenger for the + Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy, + burlesque and dramatic productions; have been with good shows, bad shows, + medicine shows, and worse, and some shows where we had landlords singing + in the chorus. Have played variety houses and vaudeville houses; have + slept in a box car one night, and a swell hotel the next; have been a + traveling salesman (could spin as many yarns as any of them). For the past + four years have made the Uncle Josh stories for the talking machine. The + Lord only knows what next! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Old Yaller Almanac + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hangin' on the + Kitchen Wall + + I'M sort of fond of readin' one + thing and another, + + So I've read promiscus like + whatever cum my way, + + And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween + me and mother, + + 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round + a rainy day. + + Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt + no end of books, + + Some made fer useful readin' and some jist + made fer looks; + + But of all the different books I've read, + thar's none comes up at all + + To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. + + I've always liked amusement, of the good + and wholesome kind, + + It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the + mind; + + So, often of an evening, when the farm + chores all were done, + + I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh + how I liked the fun; + + And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they + showed at our Town Hall, + + A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. + + Wall I went down to see 'em, but their + jokes, I knowed 'em all, + + Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and + a lot of us old codgers, + + Used to meet down at the grocery store, + what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. + + There we'd set and argufy most every market + day, + + Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass + the time away; + + And many a knotty problem has put us on + our mettle, + + Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve + and settle; + + Then after they had said their say, who + thought they knowed it all, + + I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got + + From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old + fashioned yeller book, + + And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've + took; + + Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through + its pages, + + Seein' of the different things that's happened + in all ages. + + One time I wuz elected a Justice of the + Peace, + + To make out legal documents, a mortgage + or a lease, + + Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I + knowed them all, + + Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + So now I've bin to New York, and all your + sights I've seen, + + I s'pose that to you city folks I must look + most awful green, + + Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I + walked round the town, + + Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't + Mr. Hiram Brown. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung + onto the straps, + + When we flew around the corners, sat on + other peoples' laps, + + Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, + + Read about your city in My Old Yaller + Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + </h2> + <p> + WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, + and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce + sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks + at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here + mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days + afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good many of them thar + bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them thar street keer + conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of them + keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I alowed no feller would pick + my pockits and git it long as I had it in my hand, and it shet up tight as + a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller he jest kept + his eye on me, and every little bit he'd put his head in the door and say + "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from what I started to tell ye. I wuz + ridin' along in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the + night some time I felt a feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I + looked out jest in time to see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed + the way that train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with them without + breakin' his durned neck, but in about half an hour he brot them back, + guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed + em all shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the + mornin' my trubbles commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could + git my clothes on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on + hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net + along side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new + collar button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my + right boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz + so durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', + and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot down + right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and stepped + right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a heerd over + in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a + wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar + button, cause I sot a right smart store by that button, thar warns another + one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful + if they'd have any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the + wall so I tried to git it out with my jack knife, when along came that + durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I + wanted, and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, then he told me + to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no + bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar they had + a row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water in the + durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so I + jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that things + went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my + carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and + slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house + it stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the + window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the + durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to + buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned + thing about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest + conductor on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' + back on his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I + commenced to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum + to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and + kerridges and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they + all commenced to holler—handsome—handsome. I didn't know I wuz + so durned good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another + tried to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if + I wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of + 'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never + heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said + ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, + and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll + ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder + like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we wuz away up + at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to + him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no + n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the hotel like I told + ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say + w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a great time with that feller, + but I got here at last. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in Society + </h2> + <p> + WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a goin + to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess that's + jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down here + named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, + we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't seen him in + a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in the city almanac, + and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street called avenue five. + Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took my breath away, I wuz + that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal bigger'n the court house + at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know whether to go in or not, but + finally I mustered up my courage, and I went up and rang some new fangled + door bell, when a feller with knee britches on cum out and wanted to know + who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a + minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a picter I'd seen in a story + book. Wall finally I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the + same Henry I used to know down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry + he must a heered me talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both + hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he + took me into the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever + seen before in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind + of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. + Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak + about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty + near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know + you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, + she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin remember on. + Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on my store + clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about as + scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they called it + a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped out on + the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up more + capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the ladies + wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the german, + but I told her I only danced in English. + </p> + <p> + Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't + any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool + with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl + with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations at + me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in Henry's + house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of furrin dishes, + sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another what they called + a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of cake and full of + sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', though it took a lot + of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed me somethin' what they + called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of casteel soap, wall I stuck + my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got inside my + vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I + guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry + </h2> + <p> + I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin' critter + I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around purty + considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities in + cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen a + critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a feller, + now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done; when I + left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do me, but I've + stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if I don't git some + washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river. + </p> + <p> + Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place + round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, and + there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or jump up + and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of + figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it jist looked + to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over that winder. + </p> + <p> + Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce + gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked fer + all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz sort of + sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself—I don't spose this + durned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might as + well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' fer + me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me like + cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like—ung tong oowong fang kai + moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it and + jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv me a + little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and I'll + jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin' mortal + man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into the ink + bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman + what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to him—mister, + what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort of + a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar to have them + washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have a chance to draw a + prize of some kind." So I sed—wall now I want to know, how much is + the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents," and I told him + if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, I didn't want to get + tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced scamp. So + he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and in a couple of days I went + round to git my washin', and that pig tailed heathen he wouldn't let me + hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So I sed—now look here Mr. + Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my collars and ciffs and other + clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I don't flop you in about a + minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter he commenced hoppin around + and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, and all I could make out wuz—mee + song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist + as plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, + so I made a grab fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round + on the floor; fust I wuz on top, and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you + couldn't hav told which one of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the + stove and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, + and when I got out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about + five yards of that pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' + thar yellin'—ung wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, + pelecee, pelecee. I had quite a time with that heathen critter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in a Museum + </h2> + <p> + WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street when + I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got to + lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten cents + to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I don't + spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the laffin' + stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his + boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a pickin' his + pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went right up to + him and I sed—look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits picked, + wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body commenced to + laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't + no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never felt so + durned foolish since the day I popped the question to Samantha. Wall then + I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the + human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins and + looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. + Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody over to this end of the + hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if + thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is in a + story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at him when that feller what had + charge sed, "right this way everybody," and we all went into whar they wuz + havin' the theater doins', and I got sot down and a feller cum out and + sung a song I hadn't heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin + remember it wuz this way— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, + And I cum within one of not bein' here, + The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, + It happened some time 'bout last December. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo la ri do. + + The load was composed of both girls and boys, + All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. + And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather + Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo ri li do. +</pre> + <p> + Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and + jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought + one of them birds from a feller one time—he said it wuz a good + talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never + sed a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say + "Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him + one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and + left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar wuz + a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz skeered + to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the + barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time he'd hit him + he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say Uncle Josh." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in Wall Street + </h2> + <p> + I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot + about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so + I jist sed to myself—now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, + that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a + feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call + it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and down it + bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or see any + place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep + nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock to me. So finally I + sed to a gentleman—Mister, whar do they keep the menagery down here. + He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've got all them bulls + and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he thought I wuz crazy, + and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with me, guess I can show + you what you want to see." Wall I went along with him, and he took me up + to some public institushun, near as I could make out it wuz a loonytick + asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two akers and a half squar, and + thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest men in thar I ever seen in all + my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz all crazy, and + I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' + on the top of a table with a lot of papers in his hand, and a yellin' like + a Comanche injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. + Finally I sed to one of 'em—Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with + that feller up thar on the table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand + bushels of wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist + the minnit he sed that I knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody + but a crazy man would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in + his coat and pants pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of + thar, and I felt mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' + on the front steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz + Superintendent of the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, + Mister, what time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went + about twenty-five years ago." I sed to him—is that my car over thar? + He sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall + guess I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good + many cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is + thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that + bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about ten + minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh and the Fire Department + </h2> + <p> + ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got it + all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern—now, whar abouts in + New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with + the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and + Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he + told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little + box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he says, + "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it will go + right to the post offis." I sed—wall now, gee whiz, ain't that + handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' + the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put my + letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot of + readin,' it sed—"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or + somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked on + that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't git + the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, and + that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the knob at + the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New York + commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the fire + wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' + up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on wheels, and it + busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of them fire fellers, + lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance + papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed "what are you tryin' + to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home, and I wuz + a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned old green horn, you've called + out the hull fire department of New York City." Wall I guess you could + have knocked me down with a feather. I sed—wall you'r a purty + healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will it? + Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on thother corner, now you let + this box alone." Wall they all drove away, and I went over to the other + box, but I didn't know whether to touch it or not, I didn't know but maybe + I'd call out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a + standin' thar a feller cum along and looked all round, and when he thot + thar wan't any body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced takin' + the letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis + robbers, when I wuz post master down home at Punkin Center, so jist + arrested him right thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and flopped him + right down on the side walk, and sot on him, I hollered—MURDER! + PERLEES! and every other thing I could think of, and a lot of constables + and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are you + holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd caught him right in the act of + robbin' the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I arrested him. Wall + they all commenced a laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of the post + masters of New York City. + </p> + <p> + I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in an Auction Room + </h2> + <p> + I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so + the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' ready to + go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to remember + New York by. + </p> + <p> + Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar they + wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what they had to + sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys. I + saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years old, and it + belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of + them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it. + </p> + <p> + Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as + though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid me; + but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I + wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it + fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to me + fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git my + pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up to the + feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed—now look here + mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it + thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now + what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; + when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars in + it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the feller + what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed "make + it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go you + twenty-five." + </p> + <p> + Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a + biddin' on it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Advice—Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so + he gives it to you.—Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus + </h2> + <p> + I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New + York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on hoss + cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I had jist + about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had a different + kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't have care of any + kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a standin' thar one + day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all to onct along cum the + durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever seen in my life. It wuz a + sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon and a hay rack, and + it had a pair of stairs what commenced at the hind end and rambled around + all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name + of all that's good and bad, what do you call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, + sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I + ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in + and sot down, and I jist about busted my buttins a laffin' at things what + happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she + had a little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the + valise and took out a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse + and took out a dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the + purse, and shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' + out on the front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she + opened the valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the + purse and put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put + in the purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, + I had to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist + couldn't help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a + five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a spell, + then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end of the + 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and + it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I want to see + you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up my mind if he + indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a minnit. Wall, + I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest injun, did you give me + that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's jist what I done," and he + sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you want?" Gosh, I don't + believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole durned outfit. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ambition—Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and + another man a convict.—Punkin Centre Philosophy +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in a Department Store + </h2> + <p> + ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find one + of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what thar is on + earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't you?" I sed, + wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments at one of them + stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some caliker. Wall he + showed me which way to go, and I started out, and wuz walkin' along down + the street lookin' at things, when some feller throwed a bananer peelin' + on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think much of a man what throws a + bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't think much of a bananer what + throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that + bananer peelin' and I went up in the air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer + about a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy tells about, and some + that haint been discovered yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a + little boy cum runnin' cross the street and he sed "Oh mister, won't you + please do that agin, my mother didn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could + a got my hands on that little rascal fer about a minnit, and his mother + would a seen me do it. + </p> + <p> + I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told a + feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she + sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to + do only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I + sed, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round + 'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay + seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, and I + sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? Everybody + commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist + step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought what I + wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, it didn't look + as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I handed him a ten + dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a little baskit and hitched + it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced runnin' all over the store. + Wall now you can jist bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased it + up one side and down the other, I knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, + and I upset five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle out of that + bald-headed feller, and jist then some one commenced to holler "CASH" and + I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit + round 'til I got up to it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started + from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish in all my life. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Prosperity—Consists principally of contentment; for the man + who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, + though his neighbors may have a different opinion. + —Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York + </h2> + <p> + I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some + of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny + as anything I ever seen in my life. + </p> + <p> + I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick + Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or + bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' + on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed one + sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz another sine + what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to + tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you want to put + your trust in the Lord. + </p> + <p> + Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and finally + I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and yeller and + purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a + purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist tickled me, it + sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of them critters in my + throat fer ten dollars. + </p> + <p> + Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what sed + "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots blacked + on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine blacked on + the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights + shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I happened to + turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same sine at + all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very eyes, and I cum to + the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz a turnin' on it jist to + have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff or two + watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would turn fust one way and then + the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your mind what it wuz, the durned + thing wouldn't be that at all. + </p> + <p> + A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the door." + Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen another sine + what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they thought a + feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And + then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot of tools around + it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any durned fool what + don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one feel his head and + find out what ails him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh on a Street Car + </h2> + <p> + NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New + York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke + house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what + they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' + after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and + fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I + run about a mile and a half after a feller one day to tell him the water + what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and when I caught up to him + I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. + </p> + <p> + Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, + and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one of + them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a strap + and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' to be + in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a + little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n + a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess I + kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar." + Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin' + too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard again," and I got off 'n the + gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as + well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty much all the time I wuz in thar. + </p> + <p> + Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so + much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim lady, + and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as + though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents and a + half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady and + sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady sed + "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker right + out loud. + </p> + <p> + Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three ladys + got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to sot + down, and so the big lady sed—"little boy, you'd oughter git up and + let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up and + they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' right + out. + </p> + <p> + Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little + baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be + sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, + and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and + sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have + knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't + know the little thing was rubber. + </p> + <p> + Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, + and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a + nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed + out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist + cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the + company wuz out. + </p> + <p> + Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he + wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and + told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed—good bye, mister, + hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one + of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him + a comin'. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, + + That over my memory scoots, + + When I think of my boyhood days once again + + And my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, + + And bravely marched out on the floor, + + And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit + + And the best to be had at the store." + + That night, I remember, I took them to bed, + + With the rest of us little galoots, + + And among other things in my prars which I sed + + Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. + + And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand + + Wuz me and my new acquisition, + + And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, + + From the garret clar down to the kitchen. + + Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, + + I concluded I'd help do the chores; + + Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust + + If I didn't git right out of doors. + + But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, + + And I couldn't get one way or tother, + + And I jist had to stand right there in one spot + + And holler like thunder fer mother. + + But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise + + Fer I larned right thar on the spot, + + That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world + + Is that by experience taught. + + So though many years have since passed away, + + And I've ventured on various routes, + + I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today + + As my fust pair of copper toed boots. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh in Police Court + </h2> + <p> + I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New + York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort + house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of + some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks + Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I + can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at + Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and + jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort + houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever + seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys—Norweegans, Germans, + Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and + young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' + up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars; Geery society; + foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," and the + Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort + house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little Irish + feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little + Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick + McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And + the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge + sed: "Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in + all your life." And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, + if I never saw a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in + a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner." + </p> + <p> + Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment in + his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: + "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, + yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name is-is-is——." + The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what is this prisoner + charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, the way he talks + sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to + laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. + </p> + <p> + It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz + Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si Pettingill + wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off 'bout + all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow, + 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige + Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take + keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to + Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." + And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here + I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, Lige, I left my cow with + you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et her head off + two or three times since then." So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her + milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be durned, she went dry three + weeks after you left, and she ain't give any milk since, and near as I can + figger it out, seems to me as how I've pestered her and fed her all this + time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige + sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and seein' as how posession is + 'bout nine points in the law, I'm goin' to keep her." + </p> + <p> + So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heer the + trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he sed: + "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, to find + for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant, + the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot forth that the + cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth more 'n a year's + paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of this cort that the + aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow two weeks longer, + and then she is hisn." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh at Coney Island + </h2> + <p> + I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they + call Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my mind + I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers what goes + across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. Settin' + right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and she seemed sort of + figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do + these cars stop when we git on the other side of the bridge?" I sed, wall + now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump you ever got in your life. + </p> + <p> + Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars + what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he put + it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz + gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He sed, + "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez "you + better go out and look at it." + </p> + <p> + Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This car + goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if I got + any. + </p> + <p> + Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub I + ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing I + seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It looked like + a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother end up in + the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all git in and then + cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I alowed that ud be + right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along with a lot of other + folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never see agin. They yanked + us up to the top of that troff and then turned us loose, and I jist felt + as though the whole earth had run off and left us. We went down that troff + lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' alongside of me, got skeered + and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of me you brazen + female critter. But she jist hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and + everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that durned boat wuz a goin' + faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit book and tother + on my hat, and we went kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the durned + boat upsot and we went into the water, and that durned female critter hung + onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't + very deep and I jist started to wade out when along cum another boat and + run over us, and under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the + bank, and that female woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady + from a watery grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet + she wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond. + </p> + <p> + Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, and + another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot of + shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down, and + I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I + purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of gals a dancin' + some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it, but it sooted me + fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about it the more I made up + my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in the corn field whar none + of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned if I didn't knock down + about four akers of corn, but I never got that dance right. I wuz the talk + of the whole community; mother didn't speak to me fer about a week, and + Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame and a disgrace to the village, + but I notice Nancy has asked me a good many questions about jist how it + was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't find Nancy out in the cornfield + one of these days. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh at the Opera + </h2> + <p> + WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to New + York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never had + many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to + Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the Opery + House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz full of + hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place to put the + hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that + wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good many of their + things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one of the + mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks Ezra + will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to Ruben + Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the gun and + shot the dog. + </p> + <p> + Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin' + at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights + shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum + out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and + tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of + folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of my + business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of the + folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, + though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could + see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't be + any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of paper + what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at that and I + noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place 'tween the fust + part and the second part. I knowed durned well I wouldn't have time to + wait and see the second part, so I got up and went out. Wall, them theater + doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what happened down hum on the last + day of school. You see the school teacher got all the big boys and the big + girls, and the boys they read essays and the girls recited poetry. One of + the Skinner girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin + remember it went somethin' like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + How nice to hear the bumble-bee + When you go out a fishin', + But if you happen to sot down on him, + He'll spoil your disposition. +</pre> + <p> + I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the school + teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed them up + to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent + the sun—she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the moon, + and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it looked + mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim + Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out and got a + colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the moon and + make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh at Delmonico's + </h2> + <p> + I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here in + New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer + boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've + carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and + when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar + he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so I'd + cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart purty good + sized tavern; and I sed to mother—now mother, when I git down to New + York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. + </p> + <p> + Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the inside + I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you could + have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log. + Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in + wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; + and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and + out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em + but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle + down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society festival or a + camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and commenced + talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about + bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them bunco + fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum up right + smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all + over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring + me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme of the dinner and + I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of cider pop what he give + me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so durn good in all my life. + I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in the dinin' + room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I + got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in a lot of constables, and + it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-five cents, and then they took me out + ridin' in a little blue wagon with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the + bell every foot of the way to let folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's + boarders. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + It is Fall + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE days are gettin' shorter, and + the summer birds are leaving, + + The wind sighs in the tree tops, + as though all nature was grieving; + + The leaves they drop in showers, there's a + blue haze over all, + + And a feller is reminded that once again it's + Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered + in, + + The wheat is in the granary and the oats are + in the bin; + + A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony + with all, + + The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know + it's Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the + water mill, + + While dressed in gorgeous colors is each + valley, knoll and hill; + + The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly + wander home, + + And the hives are just a-bustin' with the + honey in the comb. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple + paring bee, + + And the signs of peace and plenty are just + splendid for to see; + + The flowers they are drooping, soon there + won't be none at all, + + Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that + I know it's Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The muskrat has built himself a house down + by the old mill pond, + + The squirrels are laying up their store from + the chestnut trees beyond; + + While walking through the orchard I can + hear the ripe fruit fall; + + There's an air of quiet comfort that only + comes with Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes + you feel first-rate, + + And there's work to keep you going from + early until late; + + So you feel like giving praises unto Him + who doeth all, + + Nature heaps her blessings on you at this + season, and it's Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The nights are getting frosty and the fire + feels pretty good, + + I like to see the flames creep up among the + burning wood; + + Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot + owl call, + + He is looking for his supper, I guess he + knows its Fall. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And though the year is getting old and the + trees will soon be bare, + + There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and + some to spare; + + For there's still some poor and needy who + for our help do call, + + So we'll share with them our blessings and + be thankful that it's Fall. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Si Pettingill's Brooms + </h2> + <p> + WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' + round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove Si + Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, and got + ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin Centre. + 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank on a dark + night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag of feathers a + mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin' to happen. + Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezra got most + uncommonly busy—he had more business than a town marshal on circus + day. + </p> + <p> + Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, and Ruben + Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker fer a + muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si remarked: + "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most uncommon high, + White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's mill wuz + washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under water, which made it + purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the milk two or three times + to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns wuz all havin' measles + to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist church, + and most every one had got religion, and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout + as usual." + </p> + <p> + Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; I + got baptized, but it didn't take—calculated I might as well have it + done while thar wuz plenty of water." + </p> + <p> + "Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sell + ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on and + I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Si + sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners, + can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra, I + don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know 'bout + that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I always gin ye + store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s—, and that's a + gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did ye? Brooms + is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall, + Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and then he sed: + "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other half trade, + how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar will I + put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end of the store, Si, and + stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and I've got a lot of things + comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had the brooms all in, + he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's + five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, + and counted 'em when I made 'em." So Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; + now what do you want in trade?" Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I + don't know, Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks pertickerly stand in + need on. If it's all the same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?" + </p> + <p> + Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his thumb + with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that + baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra—wall, it wan't his say. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Suspicion—Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if + we wuz in the other feller's place. + —Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh Plays Golf + </h2> + <p> + WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav you + cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the + woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your + uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I had + on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in Joseph's + coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and + a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had an + awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with him + 'bout Thanksgiving time. + </p> + <p> + Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into + what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun + war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot of + other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then they + brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and they + stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one of them + thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist + peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I jist whaled + away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and the boys all + commenced to holler "foozle." + </p> + <p> + Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit it + right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot down so + durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air + and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin and on the + pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a-rollin' round + on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder 'n + a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little ball way over into + the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit on my hands and got a + good holt on that war club and I whaled away at that little ball agin, and + by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's + paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got skeered and run away, + jumped the fence and went down the road, and the durned fool never stopped + a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra Hoskins' grocery store, upsot + four gallons of apple butter into a keg of soft soap, and sot one foot + into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of winder glass, and + knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and broke his + durned old wooden leg, and then she went right out through the winder and + skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a standin' thar, and they run away + and smashed his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has sued me fer + damages, and mother won't speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy him a + new wooden leg, and the neighbors all say as how I ought to be put away + some place fer safe keepin', and Aunt Nancy Smith got so excited she lost + her glass eye and didn't find it for three or four days, and when she did + git it the boys wuz a-playin' marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, + and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy + any more, and she has to sort of put it in with cotton round it to bold + it, and the cotton works out at the corners and skeers the children and + every time I see Nancy that durned eye seems to look at me sort of + reproachful like, and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller what + knocks the ball so durned far you can't find it or whar it does the most + damage, wins the game. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Jim Lawson's Hogs + </h2> + <p> + WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in + Punkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim + had a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git + 'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, and + Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin' them + hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, but it + wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. All the + neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, and give him + advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody could see + what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's store, + and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I + want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out what's alin' them + hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, Jim?" and Jim sed: + "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and when it + rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and + that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git so much mud on their tails + that it draws their skin so tight that they can't shet their eyes, and + them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of sleep." + </p> + <p> + Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer markit, + and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out, + and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed: + "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed: "Goin' to Concord, Jabez." + Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums from not readin' + the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord way than they know + what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby took + his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of hogs, and so consequintly the + markit's away down in Concord. But the paper sez it's good in Manchester, + and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his chew of + terbacker over to the northeast, and sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll + hav to go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off and turn them round." + Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, and jist + 'bout when they wuz gittin' thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: + "Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As + near as he could figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most + likely goin' to Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't + know exactly what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most + likely sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. + Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos what + hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord. + Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim sed + a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', and then + he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so turn round." + Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs couldn't stand it + no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell 'em to + Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's + place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of moovin' them from + thar fer some time to cum. + </p> + <p> + Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's + store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogs this + year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin' to how + you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I had the + society of the hogs fer two weeks." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent + </h2> + <p> + WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in + Punkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and + calculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if + you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to + New York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to + build a new town hall." + </p> + <p> + Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, when along + cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right up and + commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal or a tax + assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am + astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and I find you + haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. Why, my dear + sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't + you know that lightning may strike at any time and demolish everything + within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you are criminally negligent? + Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that a man of your jedgment and + good common sense should allow yourself to——" Wall, about that + time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, + gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall, he told me he had + some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a little masheen and told me to + take hold of the handles and he'd show me what a powerful thing + 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he turned on a + crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over the porch, and + it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell in a yeller + jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' me all to + onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning rod or two, + seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and I went over to + Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz a sight to behold; it + looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz seven lightning rods on + the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corn crib, one on the smoke + house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen, six on my house, and one + on the crab apple tree, and when I got thar that durned fool had the old + muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put a lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid + him fer what he had done, and thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more. + Wall, he got me to sine a paper what sed he had done a good job, and he + sed he had to show that to the company. + </p> + <p> + Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think the + lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old + muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought I + wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller with + that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six hundred + dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it! + </p> + <p> + Buncode agin, by chowder! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Energy—There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I + notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually + rides in front.—Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Meeting of the Annanias Club + </h2> + <p> + WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to Ezra Hoskins' + grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and whittle sticks + and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra happened to have + layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns that would jist + about put Annanias and Safiry right out of business if they wuz here now. + Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns when Deacon + Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar he + wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell of hills cum together and you + couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n a whisper on account of the ecko. + But one day a summer boarder what wuz thar remarked as how he wasn't + afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of any old lot of hills what + wuz ever created; so he went out and hollered jist as loud as he could + holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' and it flew up agin one hill and + bounced off onto another one and gittin' bigger and louder all the time + 'til it got back whar it started from and hit a stone quarry and knocked + off a piece of stone and hit that feller in the head, and he didn't cum + too fer over three hours. Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a + Deacon. Wall, none of us sed anything fer a right smart spell and then Si + Pettingill remarked "he didn't know anything about eckos, but he + calculated he'd seen some mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen + it rain 'bout as hard as anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, + Si, how hard did you ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last + summer down our way it got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops + jist rubbed together comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that + they turned into steam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a + cider bar'l layin' out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the + bung hole up; wall, it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water + couldn't run out of both ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up + and busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each + other; and Ezra Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it + rain quite so hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed + one time when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish + a-swimmin' up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; + why, it got so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of + popcorn out behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to + poppin' and flyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow + and laid down and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson + commenced to show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" + and Jim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from + his wooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter + when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I + remember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the + fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water froze + so durned quick that the ice wuz hot." + </p> + <p> + Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade + </h2> + <p> + SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about the + best hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence, + chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen your + eye-teeth, if you'd listen to him. + </p> + <p> + Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had fer + anything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. + </p> + <p> + Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and about that + time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in him to the + squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus mule + that Ezra Hoskins owned. + </p> + <p> + Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we all + calculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim went to + ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on the sides + he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of that hoss, + his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went over in + t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz + mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz + sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to do his huntin' on hoss + back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that + huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, cos he'd seen one or two + flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and some right smart + of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally he sed: "Deacon, I've got a + hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." Wall, you could hav knocked the + Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck out like bumps on a log, and he + sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of sech a thing in all my life; the + idea of a horse being a setter!" Jim sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained + to set for all kinds of game. I calculated as how I'd git a shotgun this + fall and do right smart of hunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want + to know; bring him over, Jim, I'd like to see him." + </p> + <p> + Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of held its + breath to see how it would cum out. + </p> + <p> + Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' along through + the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyes peeled + and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' in a brush + heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and he squatted right + down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of your hoss, Jim, look what + he be a doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you see that rabbit over thar + in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin' of him." Deacon sed, "Wall, + now that's the most remarkable thing I ever seen in my life; how'd you + like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, I hadn't calculated on + disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a hand at huntin', and seein' + as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to + boot." + </p> + <p> + Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you, + Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had to ford + the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hoss wuz + a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep them + from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and he squatted + right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim, what's the + matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now be he?" Jim sed, + "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell you he's trained to + set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's had a thorough + eddication." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Paradox—I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me + like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. + —Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Meeting of the School Directors + </h2> + <p> + WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. You see + it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of an affair, + and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it, 'cause you + might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained as to be a + settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the fall term, + and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin' an' eddication + what they could; so we called a meetin' of the school directors to devise + ways and means of buildin' a new school-house without stoppin' school. + Wall, we all met down at the school-house; thar wuz Deacon Witherspoon, + Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim Lawson and me. + Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on the matter, Si Pettingill + alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sang the durndest + old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life; went somethin' + like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + oohoo—oohoo. + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + With a sword and a pistol by his side, + oohoo—oohoo. + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + oohoo—oohoo, + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + And there he knelt upon the floor, + oohoo—oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + oohoo—oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? + oohoo—oohoo. +</pre> + <p> + Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin' + about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson he sed, + "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and he sed, + "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me or durned + if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You take your + feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, and conduct + yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman of this yere + meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he got right smart + riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durned old gospel + pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of this body, a + citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of the government, + and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out of the bricks of + the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendment to the original + moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouse until the new one is + built." + </p> + <p> + Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jim + sed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you in about + two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it, them two + old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he grabbed the + Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz stuck fast 'tween + a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg through a knot hole in + the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've both gone to law about it. + Jim says he's goin' to git out a writ of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and + the Deacon says he's goin' to prosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have + him read out of the church. + </p> + <p> + Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Justice—Those who hanker fer it would be generally better + off if they didn't git it.—Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre + </h2> + <p> + WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on that street + what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar noospaper + buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuz jist + flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar wuz a bell + and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slege hammers in + their hands, and every onct in a while they would go to poundin' on that + bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it; they reminded me of a + couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round the edge of the buildin' + they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites in their ize, and thar wuz + no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed ever told me thar + wuz that much masheenery in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved them; + biggest masheen I'd ever seen before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' + masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' them printin' presses + a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all printed + and full of picters and folded up ready to sell; it jist beat all the way + they done it. Wall, we never had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; + we called it "The Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz + editor of it. You see Jim he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so + to keep him out of mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place + up over Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for the + noospaper—always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty + good place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went along + pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and give + Jim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, and we + all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; and sure + enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got two advertisements; one + wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz the time table of the + Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he got to drinkin' + the hard cider and settin' type at the same time, and when the paper cum + out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. Neer as I kin remember it + sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant would leave the depo every mornin' at + eight o'clock fer beefstake and mutton stews, and would change cars at + White River Junkshen for mins and punkin pise, and cottage puddin' would + be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nuts like mother used to make, and the + train wouldn't run on Sundays cos the stashun agint what done the cookin' + would have to run en extra on that day over the chicken and ham sandwitch + divishion." + </p> + <p> + I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Enthusiasm—Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, + sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and + sometimes the result of hard cider.—Punkin Centre + Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting + </h2> + <p> + WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer + several days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations + fer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to have + lemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist + as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the camp + meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a dozen + lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the crick, + free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit + fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock tree and + used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preached at that + camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You see we'd + bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies and + trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved brethren and + sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. If we read the + scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all monopolists. Adam and + Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, and would have had it 'til + this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the apple market. + Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corner on the salt market. And while + Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk business, yet we observe she took a + great proffit out of the water; yea, verrily." Most on us cum to the + conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass. + </p> + <p> + Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; it + went something like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', + And neither in the heat of the day; + But cum along in the evenin', Lord, + And wash my sins away. + + Chorus— + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + To see my ship cum in." +</pre> + <p> + Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a holler log. + Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot down in a + huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and she started + in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', + and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he stumped 'round and got + his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell down, and the dogs got on top + of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned + if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Unveiling of the Organ + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, + I believe in eighty-nine, + We had some doin's at the meetin' house, + That we thought wuz purty fine; + + It wuz a great occasion, + The choir, led by Sister Morgan, + Had called us thar to witness + The unveilin' of the organ. + + In order fer to git it + We'd bin savin' here and there, + Lookin' forward to the time + When we'd have music fer to spare, + And as the time it had arrived, + And the organ had cum, too, + We had all of us assembled thar + To hear what the thing could do. + + Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, + In a handsome walnut case, + And thar wuz expectation + Pictured out on every face; + Then when Deacon Witherspoon + Had led us all in prayer, + The congregation all stood up + And Old Hundred rent the air. + + Jist then the doin's took a turn, + Though I'm ashamed to say it, + We found that old Jim Lawson + Wuz the only one could play it; + But Jim, the poor old feller, + Had one besettin' sin, + A fondness fer hard cider + Which he'd bin indulgin' in. + + But he sot down at that organ, + Planked his feet upon the pedals, + And he showed us he could play it + Though he hadn't any medals; + He dwelt upon the treble + And he flirted with the base, + He almost made that organ + Jump right out of its case. + + Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head + And in his fingers, too, + So he played some dancin' music + And old Yankee Doodle Doo; + He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon + And scared poor Sister Morgan, + And jist busted up the meetin' + At the unveilin' of the organ. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball + </h2> + <p> + I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New + York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of + it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. + Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got + to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many + surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game I + calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty others + had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying to get a + kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose when they + got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if that's what + they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any foot ball in + his'n. + </p> + <p> + I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, and + don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along in the + spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, and + the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us play a game of + base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old fer those kinds of + passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be durned if I don't." + Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the + bases and bats put around in thar places, and a buckit of drinkin' water + up in the fence corner, whar we could get a drink when we wanted it. We + didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they wuz + the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I happened to look around and + thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. You ought to + seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; I would hav got out too, but I + got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to hav seen that billy goat + a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't git me all the way through, cos + I wuz half way through when he got thar; but he got the last half through. + I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the only feller what had a score of + the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot + down I knowed jist exactly how the game stood. + </p> + <p> + They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything + that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, durned + if I don't want to see it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + </h2> + <p> + WONDERS will never cease—we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; + oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about the + crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs across + itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three times. It's so + durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, the fust + ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. + It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot whissel, and every time they + blowed the whissel the durned old ingine would stop. + </p> + <p> + Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had an + awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the right of + way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through his medder + field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a ways, + and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' + Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly busy like; so + he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down here?" And they + sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra sed, + "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it goin' right through here?" + And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's a-goin', right through + here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of ploughin' + and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up my medder field, won't ye?" + They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some gradin'." Ezra sed, + "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got that + instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, + near as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge it wuz a-goin' right + through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the + railroad is a-goin' right through your barn." + </p> + <p> + Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar + would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of + Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections + to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore + you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've got to git + a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' along hayin' + and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open + and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to + go through." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Love—An indescribable longing, something that existed since + Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the + end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or + ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. + Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and + will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show + herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, + an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. + —Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh on a Bicycle + </h2> + <p> + A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home + from college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum with + him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin Centre has + got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a + bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride one of them + 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if he could git it + hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more hay with it than any + man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz tryin' to pick apples + with a bisickle. + </p> + <p> + Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' would + do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very + favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I + would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when I + commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the + middle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I + got off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it + over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and it + jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the middle, + and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse 'n a couple + of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed to hang on fer a + spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all over that bisickle. + I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it; I fell in front + of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the same time. Durned if I + know how I done it but I did. I run my foot through the spokes, and put + about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge fence, and skeered a hoss + and buggy clar off the highway. I done more different kinds of tumblin' + than any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life, and I made more + revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz + invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the clamp, I lost my patience, I + lost my temper, I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button and my + standin' in the community. I broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets, + I broke the ten commandments, I broke my New Year's pledge and the law + agin loud and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his + wooden leg through a knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. + Wall, I'm through with it; once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your + durned old bisickles that want to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand + up and walk as to sit down and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle + Josh, not if he knows it, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he + do. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Notoriety—A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of + gittin' it.—Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church + </h2> + <p> + A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners + Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the + preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and + answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You + see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class, and he + sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the Philistines + and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little + red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at + Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't Commodore Dewey what slew + the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another little feller sed, "No, Deacon, + I think you've sort of got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is the + feller what done the job, at Santiague." The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, + you've bin readin' too much about them war doin's in the papers. Now what + little boy can tell me what is the first commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' + boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' + house, whar I could have a good laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar + in the fust place, or the second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin + fer old Jim Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one + eye out; lost it lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over + to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." + I sed, "What do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any + pension thar, kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler + left some hymn books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I + can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he + told the minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd + tell the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the + meetin' house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could + hear him clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, + but he woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through + with his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having + babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, + bring them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up + about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his hymn + books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll + let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Religion—Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of + doing right.—Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Reminiscence of My Railroad Days + </h2> + <p> + Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, + Pittsburg, Pa. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WALL, John, I read your poetry, + And laughed till I nearly cried, + Seein' how you became an engineer, + And got on the right hand side. + It made me think of the days gone by, + When I wuz one of you fellers, too, + What used to run an old machine, + And go tootin' the country through. + But the engine that I had then, John, + Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" + She wuz old and worn and loggy, + And jist chuck full of pranks; + And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, + Full of bolts and valves and knobs, + And the boiler wouldn't hold water; + Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. + + But I wuz younger then, John, + And I didn't care a cuss; + So I'd pull the throttle open + And jist let her wheeze and fuss. + The road that I wuz a-runnin' on + Wuz out in the woolly west; + Two streaks of rust and the right of way + Wuz puttin' it at its best. + So we sort of plugged along, John. + And didn't put on any frills, + Never thought of doin' anything + But doublin' all the hills. + I tell you those were rocky times, + And we hadn't no air brake; + And fifteen miles an hour, John, + Wuz durn good time to make. + + And thar wuz as good a lot of boys + As you could meet with anywhere; + Rough and ready open up, + And always on the square. + And I'd like to see them all again, + And grasp each honest hand; + But some of them, like me, have quit, + Some have gone to another land. + I have changed somewhat since then, John, + Jist a little more steady grown; + But I often think of my railroad days + As the happiest ones I've known. + And, John, I often watch the train. + As they go whizzing by; + As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, + Thar's a tear comes in my eye. + + Perhaps you'd like to know, John, + Just why I quit the rail, + And as some feller one time sed, + "Thereby hangs a tale." + I wuz goin' along one night, John, + At a purty lively rate, + The old machine a-doin' her best, + And me forty minutes late, + When all at once there came a crash, + I felt the old track yield, + And fireman, machine and I + Went into a farmer's field. + There's little more to say, John, + They laid me up for repairs, + But my fireman, poor fellow, + Hadn't time to say his prayers. + + So now you have my story, John; + Still, you don't know how it feels + To know you've got to plug around + On a couple of flat wheels. + But it doesn't bother me, John, + Gosh, not fer a minnit; + I'm as happy as the day is long, + And feel jist strictly in it. + But sometimes I like to meet the boys, + And talk them days all over, + And I feel as gay and chipper + As a calf in a field of clover + But the happiest days I've known, John, + The ones that to me see best, + Wuz when I run an old machine + Way out in the woolly west. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Glory—Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. + —Punkin Centre Philosophy. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh at a Circus + </h2> + <p> + WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin + Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it. They cum + paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, and animals + pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim cracks. Deacon + Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, and no one + aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he alowed he'd + take the children and let them see the lions and tigers and things. Si + Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders on himself when + he gits thar." We noticed afterwards that the Deacon had a front seat whar + he could see and hear purty well. + </p> + <p> + Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the cirkus," and + Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our store clothes, our new + boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down to the cirkus. + Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capers than Ezra + did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked around the elefant + three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that's a durned handy + critter—he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin' the + flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! Wall, we went on a little ways + further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar's Steve Jenkins + over thar in one of them cages." I sed, "Cum along you silly fool, that + ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve + Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near raised Steve." Wall, we + went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' only a durned + old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked + like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon belonged to + Steve's family a long ways back. + </p> + <p> + Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess + us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that silly + old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down + right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had + histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and that + clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder—sed Nancy stuck a pin in + him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out. + Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed + he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins + alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. So he got + into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased him 'round + that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other side of the + ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss + back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter + to cum out thar without clothes enough on her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon + Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all alowed it, + whatever he meant. And then that silly old clown he told the ring master + that his uncle committed sooiside different than any man what ever + committed sooiside; and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did your + uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old clown sed, "Why, he put his + nose in his ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang an old-fashioned + song I hadn't heered in a long time; went something like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, + From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, + From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown + to Widdletown, + Take it all together and its fifteen miles. +</pre> + <p> + He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a + rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. So + I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" He + sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give you two + dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus sharpers, + and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit + and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the + same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars + slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin + Centre. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + </h2> + <p> + I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks + would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty + good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' + home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I + must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin + here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have. + </p> + <p> + I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time + this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar + on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. + Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, + sir, a flyin' squirrel. + </p> + <p> + I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was + cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and + what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he + fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the + garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed + like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and + pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got into the + pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down + home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of chickens + you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an egg every + day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every one of them + is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot down on + the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin' on a door knob, + tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. While she wuz + a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, "We're having a little + party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this set?" and she sed, + "No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." Gosh, I wuz afraid to go + out in the barnyard one while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I heerd a + hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that old gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' + fer." + </p> + <p> + Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye; cum down + and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; cum down about + apple-butter time and jist butt in—good bye. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, + And he came from no one knowed whar; + Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, + And wuz reckoned on the squar'. + Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks + May have made him stern and grim; + But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide + But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. + + He wa'n't one of the regular sort + What you'd meet thar any day, + But as near as the camp could figure it out, + In a show down he'd likely stay. + A shambling, awkward figure, + Rawboned, tall and slim, + And his schaps and togs in general + Jist looked like they'd fell on him. + + I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, + Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; + Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts + As I couldn't quite understand. + But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, + Wuz with him on my very first trick; + And from that time on I stuck to him + Like a kitten to a good warm brick. + + Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, + It wuz down by the redwood way, + With Chaparel across the spur, + 'Bout fifty miles away. + Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, + Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; + And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, + Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. + + The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me + Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; + And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, + I don't think he's cum fer to stay; + His eyes are too shifty and yeller, + And his face is sullen and hard; + And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; + Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." + + One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, + And the frost it wuz on every nail, + With jist the mail sack and specie box, + The greaser and I hit the trail. + We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, + And while the broncos were changed that day + I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat + With the greaser from down Monterey. + + Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, + That creeps down the mountain side, + Leavin' behind it a ghastly track + Whar those who have met it died? + Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', + No man wants to see it twice; + White and grim as a funeral shroud, + A mass of mist and ice. + + Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay + When my hair it commenced to rise, + For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur + A cloud of most monstrous size. + And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, + And the broncos commenced to neigh; + Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then + I won't forgit till my dyin' day. + + In less time than it takes to tell it, + We were into the Great White Death, + With its millions of frozen snowflakes + A-takin' away our breath. + And jist then somethin' happened, pard, + The greaser from down Monterey + Tried to sneak off with the specie box, + Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. + + All at once a figure on hossback + Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, + And bullets from out of a Winchester + Commenced to fly like hail. + The greaser and them two passengers + Cashed in their chips to him, + Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' + Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. + + Wall, we planted them thar together, + When the cloud had passed away; + And all they've got fer a tombstone + Is the mountains, dull and gray. + So, pard, let's take one together, + And I'll drink a toast to him, + Fer though he wuz rough and ready, + He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. +</pre> + <p> + The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, occurs in the higher + altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains. It is almost + indescribable. It might properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the effect + of bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which few rarely + recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent sight, each and every + particle of the frozen moisture being a miniature prism, which reflects + the sun's rays in a manner once seen never to be forgotten.—By CAL. + STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells-Fargo Express Company. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston + </h2> + <p> + FER a long time I had my mind made up to go down to Boston, so a short + time ago, as I had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed it would + be a good time to go down thar, and I sed to mother, "I'll start early in + the mornin' and take a load of produce with me, and that will sort of pay + expenses of the trip." + </p> + <p> + Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' bright and early, 'bout time they had + their breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; then finally I picked + out a right likely lookin' store, and jist conclooded I'd sell my load of + produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met a feller 'nd I sed, "Good mornin', + be you the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, I'm only one of the + clerks." So I sed, "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And he sed, "Yes, + sir, would you like to see him?" And I told him as how I would, and he + turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' "FRONT," and a boy cum up what + had more brass buttins on him than a whole regiment of soljers. I thought + that wuz a durned funny name fer a boy—front—and that clerk + feller he wuz about the most importent thing I'd seen in Boston so far, + less maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument that I druv past cummin' to + town. He had on a biled collar that sort of put me in mind of the + whitewashed fence 'round the fair grounds down hum. I'll bet if he'd ever + sneeze it would cut his ears off. + </p> + <p> + Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, "Show the gentleman to the + proprietor's offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, and presently we + cum to a place in one corner of that store; it wuz made out of iron and + had bars in front of the winders, and looked like the county jale. The + front boy p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I sed, "I gessed I + wouldn't go in thar, cos I hadn't done anything to be locked up fer." And + that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' durned if I could see what he wuz + a-laffin' about, and the storekeeper he opened the door and cum out, and + he sed, "Good mornin', what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be you the + storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. So I sed, "Do you want to buy any + pertaters?" And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy pertaters here; this a dry + goods store." So I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do ye?" And he sed, + "No, sir, this is a dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I want to + know; do you need any onions?" And by chowder, he got madder 'n a wet hen. + He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want you to understand onct fer all, this is a + dry goods store, and we don't buy anything but dry goods and don't sell + anything but dry goods; do you understand me now? DRY GOODS." And I sed, + "Yes, gess I understand you; you don't need to git so tarnaly riled about + the matter; neer as I can figure it out you jist buy dry goods and sell + 'em." And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods." So I sed, "Do you want to + buy some mighty good dried apples?" + </p> + <p> + Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a lot of wimmin clerks giggled + right out, and the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', too, and fer about + a minnit I thought they'd all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a feller + to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I disposed of it at a good + bargain. + </p> + <p> + I like them Boston folks, they try to make you feel to hum, and enjoy + yourself and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of soshability, too; I wuz + goin' up one street and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at ten + cents a soshable. + </p> + <p> + Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth seein' in Boston, and I wuz + a-standin' along-side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at the + semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in thar burried nigh unto three hundred + years. And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if they could wake up and + see Boston now, when I noticed a row of little toomstones, and one of them + it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on another it + sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on another it sed, + "Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James Brown." Wall, I couldn't jist make + out what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, "Jimmy, you had a right + lively time while you wuz in Boston, didn't you?" Then I seen another + toomstone and on it it sed, "Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," + and another one what sed, + </p> + <p> + "Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and over in a little + corner, all to itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, "James Brown, + At Rest." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Who Marched in Sixty-One + </h2> + <h3> + CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, + To see the boys in line, + Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, + I tell you they looked fine. + And as they marched past whar I stood, + To the rattle of the drum, + It made me think of those other boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, + Jist as it did one day + When you stood thar to say good-bye, + And watch me march away. + So I stood thar and watched them + Till the parade wuz nearly done, + But thar wasn't many thar to-day + Who marched in sixty-one. + + And thar wuz my old Captain + And the Colonel side by side, + And as they both saluted me + I jist sot down and cried. + And I thought about some other boys + Whose work has long bin done; + Soon thar won't be any left at all + Who marched in sixty one. + + I heered the band play Dixie, + And my old heart swelled with pride, + A-thinkin' of the boys in gray + Who marched on the other side. + And when my time it comes, mother, + The Lord's will it be done, + I hope he'll take me to the boys + Who marched in sixty-one. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + +***** This file should be named 970-h.htm or 970-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/970/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories + +Author: Cal Stewart + +Posting Date: July 31, 2008 [EBook #970] +Release Date: July, 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES + +By Cal Stewart + + + + +Preface + +To the Reader. + +The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an +occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get +the laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his. + +In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet one +true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity. +Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there +is a bright side to everything. + +Sincerely Yours + +Cal Stewart + + +Contents PREFACE + +LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR + +MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC + +ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM + +UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT + +UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM + +UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS + +UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE + +UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR + +MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS + +UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT + +UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND + +UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA + +UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S + +IT IS FALL + +SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF + +JIM LAWSON'S HOGS + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT + +A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB + +JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE + +A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS + +THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING + +THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL + +THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD + +UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE + +A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH + +A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS + +UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM + +YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH + +UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON + +WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE + + + + +Life Sketch of Author + +THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we +had to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their +fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not +have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured +a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or +rather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on an +Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs +of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. +K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first +appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, +and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross +ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made +love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the +machine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, +fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check +clerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shot +gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, +minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have been +with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows +where we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety houses +and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swell +hotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as many +yarns as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh +stories for the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next! + + + + +My Old Yaller Almanac + + Hangin' on the + Kitchen Wall + + I'M sort of fond of readin' one + thing and another, + + So I've read promiscus like + whatever cum my way, + + And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween + me and mother, + + 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round + a rainy day. + + Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt + no end of books, + + Some made fer useful readin' and some jist + made fer looks; + + But of all the different books I've read, + thar's none comes up at all + + To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. + + I've always liked amusement, of the good + and wholesome kind, + + It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the + mind; + + So, often of an evening, when the farm + chores all were done, + + I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh + how I liked the fun; + + And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they + showed at our Town Hall, + + A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. + + Wall I went down to see 'em, but their + jokes, I knowed 'em all, + + Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and + a lot of us old codgers, + + Used to meet down at the grocery store, + what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. + + There we'd set and argufy most every market + day, + + Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass + the time away; + + And many a knotty problem has put us on + our mettle, + + Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve + and settle; + + Then after they had said their say, who + thought they knowed it all, + + I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got + + From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. + + + It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old + fashioned yeller book, + + And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've + took; + + Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through + its pages, + + Seein' of the different things that's happened + in all ages. + + One time I wuz elected a Justice of the + Peace, + + To make out legal documents, a mortgage + or a lease, + + Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I + knowed them all, + + Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + So now I've bin to New York, and all your + sights I've seen, + + I s'pose that to you city folks I must look + most awful green, + + Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I + walked round the town, + + Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't + Mr. Hiram Brown. + + + I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung + onto the straps, + + When we flew around the corners, sat on + other peoples' laps, + + Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, + + Read about your city in My Old Yaller + Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + +WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New +York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and +produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down +here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore +I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz +here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good +many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them +thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin' +along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I +alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in +my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall +that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit +he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' +from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them +sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a +feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to +see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a +runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, +but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. +Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker +'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles +commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes +on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side +afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along +side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar +button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right +boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so +durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', +and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot +down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and +stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a +heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and +told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in +to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by that +button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought +it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, +wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my +jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in +soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want +anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he +wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes +on and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash +in, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a +little hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful +and then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty well +fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and felt +purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till it +stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped +twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to +look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old +ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two +tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing +about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor +on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on +his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced +to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New +York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges +and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they all +commenced to holler--handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durned +good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried +to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I +wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of +'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I +never heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, +he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to +charge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I +guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause +I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we +wuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, +and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed +n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the +hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I +c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a +great time with that feller, but I got here at last. + + + + +Uncle Josh in Society + +WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a +goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess +that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down +here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry +and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't +seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in +the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street +called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took +my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal +bigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know +whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I +went up and rang some new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee +britches on cum out and wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh +I couldn't say anything fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked to +me like a picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally I told him I +wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry I used to know +down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered me +talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed, +"why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he took me into +the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seen +before in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind +of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. +Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak +about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty +near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know +you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, +she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin remember +on. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on my +store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about as +scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they called +it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped +out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut +up more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the +ladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the +german, but I told her I only danced in English. + +Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't +any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool +with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl +with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations +at me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in +Henry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of +furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another +what they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of +cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', +though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed +me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of +casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it +slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz +froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry + +I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin' +critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around +purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities +in cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen +a critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a +feller, now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done; +when I left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do +me, but I've stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if I +don't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in the +river. + +Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place +round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, +and there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or +jump up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz +a lot of figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it +jist looked to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over +that winder. + +Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce +gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked +fer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz +sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose this +durned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might +as well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' +fer me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me +like cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fang +kai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it +and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv +me a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and +I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin' +mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into +the ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to +a gentleman what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to +him--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir +that's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar +to have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have a +chance to draw a prize of some kind." So I sed--wall now I want to know, +how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents," +and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, I +didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that +saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and +in a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailed +heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So +I sed--now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my +collars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if +I don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter +he commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, +and all I could make out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong +wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a +tryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in +less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, +and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you couldn't hav told which one +of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out the +winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got out of +thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five yards of that +pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar yellin'--ung +wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I had +quite a time with that heathen critter. + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Museum + +WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street +when I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got +to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten +cents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I +don't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the +laffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar +gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a +pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went +right up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits +picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body +commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin' +at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. +I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to +Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller +what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of +needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy +feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody +over to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them, +and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted +on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at +him when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody," +and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got +sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I +wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way-- + + Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, + And I cum within one of not bein' here, + The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, + It happened some time 'bout last December. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo la ri do. + + The load was composed of both girls and boys, + All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. + And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather + Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo ri li do. + + +Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and +jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought +one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker. +Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed +a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say +"Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him +one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and +left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar +wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz +skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up +agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time +he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say +Uncle Josh." + + + + +Uncle Josh in Wall Street + +I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot +about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, +so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, +that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got +a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they +call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and +down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange +or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a +cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock +to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the +menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've +got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he +thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with +me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along with +him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could make +out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two +akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest +men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I +knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar +alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of +papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the +rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of +'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the +table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we +are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I +knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would +ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants +pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt +mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front +steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of +the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what +time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about +twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed +"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess +I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many +cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is +thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, +that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about +ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't +right. + + + + +Uncle Josh and the Fire Department + +ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got +it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in +New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with +the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and +Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he +told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little +box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he +says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it +will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that +handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' +the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put +my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot +of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or +somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked +on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't +git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, +and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the +knob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New +York commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar +the fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum +a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on +wheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of +them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra +Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed +"what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ +a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned +old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New York +City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. I +sed--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt +ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on +thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away, +and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it +or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if +I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and +looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he +opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered +a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down +home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by +the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot +on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think +of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and +one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd +caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and +by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found +out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City. + +I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. + + + + +Uncle Josh in an Auction Room + +I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, +so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' +ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to +remember New York by. + +Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar +they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what +they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned +cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years +old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, +or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it. + +Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as +though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid +me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I +wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it +fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to +me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git +my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up +to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look here +mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it +thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now +what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; +when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars +in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the +feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller +sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go +you twenty-five." + +Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a +biddin' on it. + + Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so + he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus + +I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New +York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on +hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I +had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had +a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't +have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a +standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all +to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever +seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a +band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced at +the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman +standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you +call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I +sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin +if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about +busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Thar +wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise in +her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took out +a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a +dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and +shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the +front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the +valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and +put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the +purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had +to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't +help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a +five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a +spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end +of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I +did, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I +want to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up +my mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about +a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest +injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's +jist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do +you want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole +durned outfit. + + + Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and + another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Department Store + +ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find +one of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what +thar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't +you?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments +at one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some +caliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, and +wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some feller +throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think much +of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't +think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. +Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in the +air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the stars +what stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit. +Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross the +street and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my mother +didn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that little +rascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it. + +I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told a +feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she +sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to +do only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I +sed, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round +'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got +hay seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, +and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? +Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart +like, "jist step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought +what I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, +it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I +handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a +little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced +runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots I +lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I +knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain +counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist +then some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'm +after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to +it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I +never felt more foolish in all my life. + + + Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man + who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, + though his neighbors may have a different opinion. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York + +I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some +of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny +as anything I ever seen in my life. + +I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick +Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or +bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' +on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed +one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz +another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them, +and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you +want to put your trust in the Lord. + +Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and +finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and +yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, +cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist +tickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of +them critters in my throat fer ten dollars. + +Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what +sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots +blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine +blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric +lights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I +happened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt +the same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very +eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz +a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had +a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would +turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your +mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all. + +A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the +door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen +another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they +thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, +or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot +of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any +durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one +feel his head and find out what ails him. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Street Car + +NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New +York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke +house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars +what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz +a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after +street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on +it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day +to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and +when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. + +Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, +and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one +of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a +strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' +to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I +moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he +got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" +I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to +step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, +"old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard +again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel +to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty +much all the time I wuz in thar. + +Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so +much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim +lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't +look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents +and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady +and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady +sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker +right out loud. + +Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three +ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to +sot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git up +and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up +and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' +right out. + +Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little +baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be +sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, +and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like +and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could +have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I +didn't know the little thing was rubber. + +Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, +and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got +a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it +sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I +jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and +the company wuz out. + +Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he +wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked +and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, +hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you +one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I +seen him a comin'. + + + + +My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots + + + THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, + + That over my memory scoots, + + When I think of my boyhood days once again + + And my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, + + And bravely marched out on the floor, + + And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit + + And the best to be had at the store." + + That night, I remember, I took them to bed, + + With the rest of us little galoots, + + And among other things in my prars which I sed + + Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. + + And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand + + Wuz me and my new acquisition, + + And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, + + From the garret clar down to the kitchen. + + Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, + + I concluded I'd help do the chores; + + Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust + + If I didn't git right out of doors. + + But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, + + And I couldn't get one way or tother, + + And I jist had to stand right there in one spot + + And holler like thunder fer mother. + + But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise + + Fer I larned right thar on the spot, + + That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world + + Is that by experience taught. + + So though many years have since passed away, + + And I've ventured on various routes, + + I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today + + As my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + + + +Uncle Josh in Police Court + +I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as +New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had +a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along +side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the +Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits +and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece +down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they +handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to +one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of +people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of +nationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, +Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and +worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten +days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; +bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, +some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right +out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: +"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, +your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: +"Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller +sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, +you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life." +And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw +a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The +Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner." + +Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment +in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: +"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, +yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name +is-is-is----." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what +is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, +the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water." +Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. + +It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson +wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si +Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd +sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part +with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin +with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and +generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum +hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum +over to git my cow." And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've +got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, +Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, +and she's et her head off two or three times since then." So Si sed: +"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be +durned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give any +milk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I've +pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, +Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I've +got her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law, +I'm goin' to keep her." + +So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heer +the trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he +sed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, +to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the +defendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot +forth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth +more 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of +this cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the +cow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn." + + + + +Uncle Josh at Coney Island + +I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they +call Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my +mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers +what goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. +Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and she +seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed to +me "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of the +bridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump you +ever got in your life. + +Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars +what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he +put it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when +I wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He +sed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez +"you better go out and look at it." + +Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This car +goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if I +got any. + +Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub +I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing +I seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It looked +like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother +end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all +git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I +alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along +with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never +see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us +loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left +us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' +alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, +you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on and +hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and +that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one +hand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab +into that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the +water, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "save +me, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jist +started to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, and +under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and that +female woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a watery +grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn't +hav swallered so much of the pond. + +Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, and +another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot +of shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot +down, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin' +thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of +gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it, +but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about it +the more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in the +corn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned +if I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got that +dance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speak +to me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame +and a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a good +many questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't +find Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days. + + + + +Uncle Josh at the Opera + +WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to +New York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never +had many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop +cum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the +Opery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz +full of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place +to put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cum +along that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good many +of their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one +of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks +Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to +Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the +gun and shot the dog. + +Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin' +at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights +shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers +cum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and +tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot +of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of +my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of +the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, +though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could +see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't +be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of +paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at +that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place +'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I +wouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and went +out. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what +happened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teacher +got all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essays +and the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piece +that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' like +this: + + How nice to hear the bumble-bee + When you go out a fishin', + But if you happen to sot down on him, + He'll spoil your disposition. + + +I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the school +teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed +them up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to +represent the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the +moon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it +looked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til +old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out +and got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the +moon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's. + + + + +Uncle Josh at Delmonico's + +I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here +in New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer +boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've +carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and +when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar +he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; +so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart +purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I git +down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. + +Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the +inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you +could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps +on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a +settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much +of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all +to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I +couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' +a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a +society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum +up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, +somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of +them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum +up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de +hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him +he could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme +of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of +cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so +durn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker +right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sour +mon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called +in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-five +cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with a +bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let +folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders. + + + + +It is Fall + + THE days are gettin' shorter, and + the summer birds are leaving, + + The wind sighs in the tree tops, + as though all nature was grieving; + + The leaves they drop in showers, there's a + blue haze over all, + + And a feller is reminded that once again it's + Fall. + + + It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered + in, + + The wheat is in the granary and the oats are + in the bin; + + A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony + with all, + + The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know + it's Fall. + + + I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the + water mill, + + While dressed in gorgeous colors is each + valley, knoll and hill; + + The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly + wander home, + + And the hives are just a-bustin' with the + honey in the comb. + + + Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple + paring bee, + + And the signs of peace and plenty are just + splendid for to see; + + The flowers they are drooping, soon there + won't be none at all, + + Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that + I know it's Fall. + + + The muskrat has built himself a house down + by the old mill pond, + + The squirrels are laying up their store from + the chestnut trees beyond; + + While walking through the orchard I can + hear the ripe fruit fall; + + There's an air of quiet comfort that only + comes with Fall. + + + The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes + you feel first-rate, + + And there's work to keep you going from + early until late; + + So you feel like giving praises unto Him + who doeth all, + + Nature heaps her blessings on you at this + season, and it's Fall. + + + The nights are getting frosty and the fire + feels pretty good, + + I like to see the flames creep up among the + burning wood; + + Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot + owl call, + + He is looking for his supper, I guess he + knows its Fall. + + + And though the year is getting old and the + trees will soon be bare, + + There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and + some to spare; + + For there's still some poor and needy who + for our help do call, + + So we'll share with them our blessings and + be thankful that it's Fall. + + + + +Si Pettingill's Brooms + +WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' +round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove +Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, +and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin +Centre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank on +a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag of +feathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin' +to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezra +got most uncommonly busy--he had more business than a town marshal on +circus day. + +Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, and +Ruben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker +fer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si +remarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most +uncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, +Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under +water, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the +milk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young +'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' on +at the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, and +things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual." + +Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; +I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated I might as well have it +done while thar wuz plenty of water." + +"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sell +ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on and +I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Si +sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners, +can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra, +I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know +'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I +always gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s--, and +that's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, +did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer +'em." Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and +then he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the +other half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, +Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end +of the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and +I've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall, +after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen +on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em +on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." So +Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?" +Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't see +anything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the +same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?" + +Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his +thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that +baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say. + + + Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if + we wuz in the other feller's place. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh Plays Golf + +WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav +you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the +woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your +uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I +had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in +Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, +and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had +an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with +him 'bout Thanksgiving time. + +Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into +what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun +war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot +of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then +they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and +they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one +of them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, +I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I +jist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and +the boys all commenced to holler "foozle." + +Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit +it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot +down so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in +the air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin +and on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist +a-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun +to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little +ball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit +on my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away at +that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over +into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got +skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and the +durned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra +Hoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg of +soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into +a box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a +cracker barrel, and broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she went +right out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz +a standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin' +wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me, +and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors all +say as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and Aunt +Nancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find it +for three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin' +marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmed +it up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has to +sort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton works +out at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancy +that durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and all +I know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durned +far you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game. + + + + +Jim Lawson's Hogs + +WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in +Punkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim +had a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git +'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, +and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin' +them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, but +it wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. All +the neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, and +give him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody +could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra +Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, +and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out +what's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, +Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty +soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on +them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git +so much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they +can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of +sleep." + +Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer +markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he +started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez +Whitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed: +"Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's +what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs +up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs +up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of +hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the +paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' +thar." So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and +sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist +head the hogs off and turn them round." Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout +three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' +thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder and +fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near as he could +figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to +Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly +what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likely +sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. +Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos what +hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord. +Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim +sed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', +and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so +turn round." Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs +couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so +Jim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz +jist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no +way of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum. + +Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's +store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogs +this year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin' +to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I +had the society of the hogs fer two weeks." + + + + +Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent + +WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in +Punkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and +calculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if +you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to +New York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to +build a new town hall." + +Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, when +along cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right +up and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal +or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear +sir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and +I find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. +Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face of +Providence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time and +demolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you are +criminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that a +man of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to----" +Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and I +sed, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall, +he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a little +masheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what a +powerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he +turned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over +the porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell +in a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' +me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning +rod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and +I went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz a +sight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz +seven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corn +crib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen, +six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got thar +that durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put a +lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thanked +the Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paper +what sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to the +company. + +Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think the +lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old +muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought +I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller +with that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six +hundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it! + +Buncode agin, by chowder! + + + Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I + notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually + rides in front.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Meeting of the Annanias Club + +WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to Ezra +Hoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and +whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra +happened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns +that would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of business +if they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'round +spinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mighty +peculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell +of hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n +a whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuz +thar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' in +front of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out and +hollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' +and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off onto another one and +gittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it started +from and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hit +that feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours. +Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sed +anything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "he +didn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen some +mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hard +as anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did you +ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way it +got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed together +comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned into +steam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin' +out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, +it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out of +both ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall, +we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra +Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite so +hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one time +when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' +up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it got +so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn out +behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' and +flyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laid +down and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commenced +to show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and +Jim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from his +wooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter +when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I +remember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the +fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water froze +so durned quick that the ice wuz hot." + +Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time." + + + + +Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade + +SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about the +best hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence, +chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen your +eye-teeth, if you'd listen to him. + +Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had fer +anything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. + +Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and about +that time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in him +to the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus +mule that Ezra Hoskins owned. + +Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we all +calculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim went +to ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on the +sides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of +that hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went +over in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the +Deacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz +purty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to do +his huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinder +hinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, cos +he'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, +and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally he +sed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." Wall, +you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck out +like bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of sech +a thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" Jim +sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. I +calculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart of +hunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him over, +Jim, I'd like to see him." + +Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of held +its breath to see how it would cum out. + +Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' along +through the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyes +peeled and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' +in a brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and he +squatted right down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of your +hoss, Jim, look what he be a doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you +see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin' +of him." Deacon sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable thing I ever +seen in my life; how'd you like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, +I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a hand +at huntin', and seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you, +Deacon, fifty dollars to boot." + +Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you, +Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had to +ford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hoss +wuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep +them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and he +squatted right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim, +what's the matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now be +he?" Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell you +he's trained to set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's +had a thorough eddication." + + + Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me + like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Meeting of the School Directors + +WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. You +see it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of an +affair, and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it, +'cause you might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained as +to be a settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the +fall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin' +an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of the school +directors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-house +without stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; thar +wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, +old Jim Lawson and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on the +matter, Si Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sang +the durndest old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life; +went somethin' like this: + + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + oohoo--oohoo. + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + With a sword and a pistol by his side, + oohoo--oohoo. + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + oohoo--oohoo, + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + And there he knelt upon the floor, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? + oohoo--oohoo. + + +Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin' +about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson he +sed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and he +sed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me or +durned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You take +your feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, and +conduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman of +this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he got +right smart riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durned +old gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of this +body, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of the +government, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out of +the bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendment +to the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouse +until the new one is built." + +Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jim +sed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you in +about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it, +them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he +grabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz +stuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg +through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've +both gone to law about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a writ +of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the Deacon says he's goin' to +prosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read out of the church. + +Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. + + + Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be generally better + off if they didn't git it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre + +WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on that +street what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar +noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuz +jist flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar +wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slege +hammers in their hands, and every onct in a while they would go to +poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it; +they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round +the edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites +in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If +anyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world +durned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before +wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar +a-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end +and cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded up +ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we never +had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The Punkin +Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim +he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of +mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over +Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for the +noospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty +good place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went along +pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and give +Jim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, and +we all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; +and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got two +advertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz +the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, +Jim he got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time, +and when the paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. +Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant would +leave the depo every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and mutton +stews, and would change cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkin +pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nuts +like mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on Sundays cos the +stashun agint what done the cookin' would have to run en extra on that +day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion." + +I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. + + + Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, + sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and + sometimes the result of hard cider.--Punkin Centre + Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting + +WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer +several days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations +fer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to have +lemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it +jist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the +camp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a +dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the +crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a +pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock +tree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preached +at that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You +see we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies +and trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved +brethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. +If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all +monopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, +and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve got +squeezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corner +on the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk +business, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea, +verrily." Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass. + +Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; it +went something like this: + + "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', + And neither in the heat of the day; + But cum along in the evenin', Lord, + And wash my sins away. + + Chorus-- + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + To see my ship cum in." + + +Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a holler +log. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot +down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and +she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs +got to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he +stumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell +down, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz +Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. + + + + +The Unveiling of the Organ + + IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, + I believe in eighty-nine, + We had some doin's at the meetin' house, + That we thought wuz purty fine; + + It wuz a great occasion, + The choir, led by Sister Morgan, + Had called us thar to witness + The unveilin' of the organ. + + In order fer to git it + We'd bin savin' here and there, + Lookin' forward to the time + When we'd have music fer to spare, + And as the time it had arrived, + And the organ had cum, too, + We had all of us assembled thar + To hear what the thing could do. + + Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, + In a handsome walnut case, + And thar wuz expectation + Pictured out on every face; + Then when Deacon Witherspoon + Had led us all in prayer, + The congregation all stood up + And Old Hundred rent the air. + + Jist then the doin's took a turn, + Though I'm ashamed to say it, + We found that old Jim Lawson + Wuz the only one could play it; + But Jim, the poor old feller, + Had one besettin' sin, + A fondness fer hard cider + Which he'd bin indulgin' in. + + But he sot down at that organ, + Planked his feet upon the pedals, + And he showed us he could play it + Though he hadn't any medals; + He dwelt upon the treble + And he flirted with the base, + He almost made that organ + Jump right out of its case. + + Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head + And in his fingers, too, + So he played some dancin' music + And old Yankee Doodle Doo; + He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon + And scared poor Sister Morgan, + And jist busted up the meetin' + At the unveilin' of the organ. + + + + +Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball + +I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New +York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of +it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. +Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I +got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that +many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game +I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty +others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying +to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose +when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if +that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any +foot ball in his'n. + +I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, +and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along +in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and +sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us +play a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old +fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be +durned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready +to play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and a +buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get a +drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty +or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I +happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw +in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; +I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought +to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't +git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; +but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz +the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, +but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how +the game stood. + +They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything +that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, +durned if I don't want to see it. + + + + +The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + +WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; +oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about +the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs +across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three +times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the +ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz +a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a +seven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned +old ingine would stop. + +Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had +an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the +right of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through +his medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer +quite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, +one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly +busy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' +down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the +railroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it +goin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar +it's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have +a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up +my medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do +some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist +the way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist +thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I +should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr. +Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your +barn." + +Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar +would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of +Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections +to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, +afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've +got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' +along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run +down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky +old trains wants to go through." + + + Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed since + Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the + end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or + ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. + Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and + will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show + herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, + an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Bicycle + +A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home +from college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum +with him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin +Centre has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin +a-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride +one of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if he +could git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more hay +with it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz +tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle. + +Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' would +do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very +favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I +would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when +I commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the +middle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I +got off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it +over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and +it jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the +middle, and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse +'n a couple of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed to +hang on fer a spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all over +that bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it; +I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the same +time. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot through +the spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge +fence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done more +different kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen in +my life, and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than +any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the +clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, I lost my self-respect, +my last suspender button and my standin' in the community. I broke the +handle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten commandments, I +broke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive language, +and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a knot-hole +in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; +once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles that +want to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sit +down and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knows +it, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do. + + + Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of + gittin' it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church + +A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners +Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the +preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and +answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You +see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class, +and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the +Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, +then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, +"Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't +Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another +little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up; +he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague." +The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war +doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first +commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh, +I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good +laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the +second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. +You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it +lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and +he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What +do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, +kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn +books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell +'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the +minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell +the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin' +house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear him +clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but he +woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through with +his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babies +here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bring +them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up +about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his +hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got +any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece." + + + Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of + doing right.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Reminiscence of My Railroad Days + +Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, +Pittsburg, Pa. + + WALL, John, I read your poetry, + And laughed till I nearly cried, + Seein' how you became an engineer, + And got on the right hand side. + It made me think of the days gone by, + When I wuz one of you fellers, too, + What used to run an old machine, + And go tootin' the country through. + But the engine that I had then, John, + Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" + She wuz old and worn and loggy, + And jist chuck full of pranks; + And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, + Full of bolts and valves and knobs, + And the boiler wouldn't hold water; + Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. + + But I wuz younger then, John, + And I didn't care a cuss; + So I'd pull the throttle open + And jist let her wheeze and fuss. + The road that I wuz a-runnin' on + Wuz out in the woolly west; + Two streaks of rust and the right of way + Wuz puttin' it at its best. + So we sort of plugged along, John. + And didn't put on any frills, + Never thought of doin' anything + But doublin' all the hills. + I tell you those were rocky times, + And we hadn't no air brake; + And fifteen miles an hour, John, + Wuz durn good time to make. + + And thar wuz as good a lot of boys + As you could meet with anywhere; + Rough and ready open up, + And always on the square. + And I'd like to see them all again, + And grasp each honest hand; + But some of them, like me, have quit, + Some have gone to another land. + I have changed somewhat since then, John, + Jist a little more steady grown; + But I often think of my railroad days + As the happiest ones I've known. + And, John, I often watch the train. + As they go whizzing by; + As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, + Thar's a tear comes in my eye. + + Perhaps you'd like to know, John, + Just why I quit the rail, + And as some feller one time sed, + "Thereby hangs a tale." + I wuz goin' along one night, John, + At a purty lively rate, + The old machine a-doin' her best, + And me forty minutes late, + When all at once there came a crash, + I felt the old track yield, + And fireman, machine and I + Went into a farmer's field. + There's little more to say, John, + They laid me up for repairs, + But my fireman, poor fellow, + Hadn't time to say his prayers. + + So now you have my story, John; + Still, you don't know how it feels + To know you've got to plug around + On a couple of flat wheels. + But it doesn't bother me, John, + Gosh, not fer a minnit; + I'm as happy as the day is long, + And feel jist strictly in it. + But sometimes I like to meet the boys, + And talk them days all over, + And I feel as gay and chipper + As a calf in a field of clover + But the happiest days I've known, John, + The ones that to me see best, + Wuz when I run an old machine + Way out in the woolly west. + + + Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh at a Circus + +WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum to +Punkin Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it. +They cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, +and animals pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim +cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, +and no one aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he +alowed he'd take the children and let them see the lions and tigers and +things. Si Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders on +himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards that the Deacon had a +front seat whar he could see and hear purty well. + +Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the cirkus," +and Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our store clothes, +our new boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down to the +cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capers +than Ezra did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked around +the elefant three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that's +a durned handy critter--he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one and +keepin' the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! Wall, we went on a +little ways further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar's +Steve Jenkins over thar in one of them cages." I sed, "Cum along you +silly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guess +I'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near +raised Steve." Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at +all, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands +with him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of +pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back. + +Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I +guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that +silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and +sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to +had histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and +that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin +in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right +out. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master +sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben +Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. +So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased +him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round +t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then +a gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed +she wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough on +her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of +'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly +old clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooiside +different than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring master +sed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old +clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off." +Then he sang an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went +something like this: + + From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, + From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, + From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown + to Widdletown, + Take it all together and its fifteen miles. + + +He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a +rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. +So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" +He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give +you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus +sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of +my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what +it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two +dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in +Punkin Centre. + + + + +Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + +I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks +would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty +good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be +goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford +to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since +I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as +you have. + +I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time +this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar +on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. +Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; +yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel. + +I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was +cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and +what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he +fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in +the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist +seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them +unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got +into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of +fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of +chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an +egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every +one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed +and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin' +on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. +While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, "We're +having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this +set?" and she sed, "No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." +Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one day +when I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that old +gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer." + +Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye; cum +down and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; cum down about +apple-butter time and jist butt in--good bye. + + + + +Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death + + YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, + And he came from no one knowed whar; + Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, + And wuz reckoned on the squar'. + Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks + May have made him stern and grim; + But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide + But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. + + He wa'n't one of the regular sort + What you'd meet thar any day, + But as near as the camp could figure it out, + In a show down he'd likely stay. + A shambling, awkward figure, + Rawboned, tall and slim, + And his schaps and togs in general + Jist looked like they'd fell on him. + + I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, + Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; + Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts + As I couldn't quite understand. + But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, + Wuz with him on my very first trick; + And from that time on I stuck to him + Like a kitten to a good warm brick. + + Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, + It wuz down by the redwood way, + With Chaparel across the spur, + 'Bout fifty miles away. + Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, + Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; + And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, + Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. + + The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me + Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; + And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, + I don't think he's cum fer to stay; + His eyes are too shifty and yeller, + And his face is sullen and hard; + And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; + Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." + + One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, + And the frost it wuz on every nail, + With jist the mail sack and specie box, + The greaser and I hit the trail. + We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, + And while the broncos were changed that day + I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat + With the greaser from down Monterey. + + Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, + That creeps down the mountain side, + Leavin' behind it a ghastly track + Whar those who have met it died? + Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', + No man wants to see it twice; + White and grim as a funeral shroud, + A mass of mist and ice. + + Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay + When my hair it commenced to rise, + For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur + A cloud of most monstrous size. + And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, + And the broncos commenced to neigh; + Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then + I won't forgit till my dyin' day. + + In less time than it takes to tell it, + We were into the Great White Death, + With its millions of frozen snowflakes + A-takin' away our breath. + And jist then somethin' happened, pard, + The greaser from down Monterey + Tried to sneak off with the specie box, + Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. + + All at once a figure on hossback + Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, + And bullets from out of a Winchester + Commenced to fly like hail. + The greaser and them two passengers + Cashed in their chips to him, + Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' + Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. + + Wall, we planted them thar together, + When the cloud had passed away; + And all they've got fer a tombstone + Is the mountains, dull and gray. + So, pard, let's take one together, + And I'll drink a toast to him, + Fer though he wuz rough and ready, + He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. + + +The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, occurs in the higher +altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains. It is almost +indescribable. It might properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the +effect of bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which few +rarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent sight, each +and every particle of the frozen moisture being a miniature prism, which +reflects the sun's rays in a manner once seen never to be forgotten.--By +CAL. STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells-Fargo Express +Company. + + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston + +FER a long time I had my mind made up to go down to Boston, so a short +time ago, as I had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed it +would be a good time to go down thar, and I sed to mother, "I'll start +early in the mornin' and take a load of produce with me, and that will +sort of pay expenses of the trip." + +Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' bright and early, 'bout time they +had their breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; then finally I +picked out a right likely lookin' store, and jist conclooded I'd sell +my load of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met a feller 'nd I sed, +"Good mornin', be you the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, I'm only +one of the clerks." So I sed, "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And +he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see him?" And I told him as how I +would, and he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' "FRONT," and a +boy cum up what had more brass buttins on him than a whole regiment of +soljers. I thought that wuz a durned funny name fer a boy--front--and +that clerk feller he wuz about the most importent thing I'd seen in +Boston so far, less maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument that I druv +past cummin' to town. He had on a biled collar that sort of put me in +mind of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair grounds down hum. I'll bet +if he'd ever sneeze it would cut his ears off. + +Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, "Show the gentleman to the +proprietor's offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, and presently we +cum to a place in one corner of that store; it wuz made out of iron and +had bars in front of the winders, and looked like the county jale. The +front boy p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I sed, "I gessed I +wouldn't go in thar, cos I hadn't done anything to be locked up fer." +And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' durned if I could see what +he wuz a-laffin' about, and the storekeeper he opened the door and cum +out, and he sed, "Good mornin', what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be you +the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. So I sed, "Do you want to buy any +pertaters?" And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy pertaters here; this a +dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do ye?" And +he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I +want to know; do you need any onions?" And by chowder, he got madder 'n +a wet hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want you to understand onct fer +all, this is a dry goods store, and we don't buy anything but dry goods +and don't sell anything but dry goods; do you understand me now? DRY +GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand you; you don't need to git so +tarnaly riled about the matter; neer as I can figure it out you jist buy +dry goods and sell 'em." And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods." So I +sed, "Do you want to buy some mighty good dried apples?" + +Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a lot of wimmin clerks giggled +right out, and the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', too, and fer +about a minnit I thought they'd all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a +feller to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I disposed of it at +a good bargain. + +I like them Boston folks, they try to make you feel to hum, and enjoy +yourself and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of soshability, too; I +wuz goin' up one street and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at +ten cents a soshable. + +Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth seein' in Boston, and I wuz +a-standin' along-side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at the +semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in thar burried nigh unto three +hundred years. And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if they could +wake up and see Boston now, when I noticed a row of little toomstones, +and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and +on another it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on +another it sed, "Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James Brown." Wall, +I couldn't jist make out what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, +"Jimmy, you had a right lively time while you wuz in Boston, didn't +you?" Then I seen another toomstone and on it it sed, "Matilda Brown, +beloved wife of James Brown," and another one what sed, + +"Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and over in a little +corner, all to itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, "James +Brown, At Rest." + + + + +Who Marched in Sixty-One + +CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. + + I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, + To see the boys in line, + Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, + I tell you they looked fine. + And as they marched past whar I stood, + To the rattle of the drum, + It made me think of those other boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, + Jist as it did one day + When you stood thar to say good-bye, + And watch me march away. + So I stood thar and watched them + Till the parade wuz nearly done, + But thar wasn't many thar to-day + Who marched in sixty-one. + + And thar wuz my old Captain + And the Colonel side by side, + And as they both saluted me + I jist sot down and cried. + And I thought about some other boys + Whose work has long bin done; + Soon thar won't be any left at all + Who marched in sixty one. + + I heered the band play Dixie, + And my old heart swelled with pride, + A-thinkin' of the boys in gray + Who marched on the other side. + And when my time it comes, mother, + The Lord's will it be done, + I hope he'll take me to the boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + +***** This file should be named 970.txt or 970.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/970/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories by Cal Stewart +Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software + + + + + +Uncles Josh's +Punkin Centre Stories + +By Cal Stewart + + + + +Preface + +To the Reader. + +The one particular object in writing this +book is to furnish you with an occasional +laugh, and the writer with an occasional +dollar. If you get the laugh you have your +equivalent, and the writer has his. + +In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a +purely imaginary character, yet one true to +life. A character chuck full of sunshine and +rural simplicity. Take him as you find him, +and in his experiences you will observe there +is a bright side to everything. + +Sincerely Yours +Cal Stewart + + +Contents +PREFACE + +LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR + +MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC + +ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM + +UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT + +UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM + +UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS + +UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE + +UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR + +MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS + +UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT + +UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND + +UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA + +UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S + +IT IS FALL + +SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF + +JIM LAWSON'S HOGS + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT + +A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB + +JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE + +A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS + +THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING + +THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL + +THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD + +UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE + +A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH + +A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS + +UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM + +YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH + +UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON + +WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE + + + +Life Sketch of Author + +THE author was born in Virginia, on a little +patch of land, so poor we had to fertilize it +to make brick. Our family, while having cast +their fortunes with the South, was not a family +ruined by the war; we did not have +anything when the war commenced, and +so we held our own. I secured a common +school education, and at the age of +twelve I left home, or rather home left me +--things just petered out. I was slush cook +on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a +stave and heading camp in the knobs of +Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped +lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and +was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made +my first appearance on the stage at the National +Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have +since then chopped cord wood, worked in a +coal mine, made cross ties (and walked +them), worked on a farm, taught a district +school (made love to the big girls), run a +threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine +and ran the engine. Have been a +freight and passenger brakeman, fired and +ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor +and check clerk in a freight house; +worked on the section; have been a shot gun +messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. +Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce +comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; +have been with good shows, bad +shows, medicine shows, and worse, and +some shows where we had landlords singing +in the chorus. Have played variety houses +and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box +car one night, and a swell hotel the next; +have been a traveling salesman (could spin +as many yarns as any of them). For the past +four years have made the Uncle Josh stories +for the talking machine. The Lord only +knows what next! + + + +My Old Yaller Almanac +Hangin' on the +Kitchen Wall + +I'M sort of fond of readin' one +thing and another, + +So I've read promiscus like +whatever cum my way, + +And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween +me and mother, + +'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round +a rainy day. + + Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt +no end of books, + + Some made fer useful readin' and some jist +made fer looks; + + But of all the different books I've read, +thar's none comes up at all + + To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on +the Kitchen Wall. + + I've always liked amusement, of the good +and wholesome kind, + + It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the +mind; + + So, often of an evening, when the farm +chores all were done, + + I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh +how I liked the fun; + + And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they +showed at our Town Hall, + + A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. + + Wall I went down to see 'em, but their +jokes, I knowed 'em all, + + Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, +Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and +a lot of us old codgers, + + Used to meet down at the grocery store, +what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. + + There we'd set and argufy most every market +day, + + Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass +the time away; + + And many a knotty problem has put us on +our mettle, + + Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve +and settle; + + Then after they had said their say, who +thought they knowed it all, + + I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got + + From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on +the Kitchen Wall. + + + It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old +fashioned yeller book, + + And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've +took; + + Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through +its pages, + + Seein' of the different things that's happened +in all ages. + + One time I wuz elected a Justice of the +Peace, + + To make out legal documents, a mortgage +or a lease, + + Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I +knowed them all, + + Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, +Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + +So now I've bin to New York, and all your +sights I've seen, + + I s'pose that to you city folks I must look +most awful green, + + Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I +walked round the town, + + Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't +Mr. Hiram Brown. + + + I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung +onto the straps, + + When we flew around the corners, sat on +other peoples' laps, + + Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, + + Read about your city in My Old Yaller +Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + +WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up +that I'd cum down to New York, and so a +short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered +in and produce sold I calculated as how +it would be a good time to come down +here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed +or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin +here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled +'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore +they buncoed me. I spose as how there are +a good many of them thar bunco fellers +around New York, but I tell you them thar +street keer conductors take mighty good +care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of +them keers, had my pockit book right in my +hand, I alowed no feller would pick my +pockits and git it long as I had it in my +hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when +the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller +he jest kept his eye on me, and every +little bit he'd put his head in the door and +say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from +what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along +in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, +and along in the night some time I felt a feller +rummagin' around under my bed, and I +looked out jest in time to see him goin' away +with my boots, wall I knowed the way that +train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with +them without breakin' his durned neck, but +in about half an hour he brot them back, +guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort +of glad he took em cause he hed em all +shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall +when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles +commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, +durned if I could git my clothes on, and when +I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on +hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled +up in that little fish net along side of the +bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a +bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill +a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right +boot on my left foot and the left one on the +right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed +up I didn't know which way the train wuz a +runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof +of the bed over me, and then sot down right +suddin like to think it over when some feller +cum along and stepped right squar on my +bunion and I let out a war whoop you could +a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along +cum that durned porter and told me I wuz +a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I +started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause +I sot a right smart store by that button, thar +warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, +and I thought it would be kind of doubtful +if they'd have any like it in New York, wall +I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to +git it out with my jack knife, when along +came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed +in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, +and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, +then he told me to quit ringin' the +bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see +no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on +and went into a room whar they had a row +of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could +pump water in the durned thing it run out +of a little hole in the bottom of the trough +so I jest had to grab a handful and then +pump some more. Wall after that things +went along purty well fer a right smart while, +then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and +felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' +slower and slower 'till it stopped at every +house and when it cum to a double house it +stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat +and I put my head out of the window to look +at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and +I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor +made me buy another one. I hed to +buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled +him, he don't know a durned thing about it +and when he finds it out he's goin to be the +maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a +round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on +his durned old road. When I got off the +ferry boat down here I commenced to think +I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what +ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers +down thar with buggies and kerridges +and one thing and another, and jest the minnit +they seen me they all commenced to holler-- +handsome--handsome. I didn't know +I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller +tried to git my carpet bag and another tried +to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to +stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a +wrestle out of one or two of them, then I +asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to +the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never +heered a feller stutter like that feller did in +all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said +wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, +and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I +sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't +stop to talk about it any more cause I'd +kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out +and when we stopped we wuz away up at the +other end of the town whar thar warn't many +houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the +Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s- +n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out +at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, +b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't +s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. +Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but +I got here at last. + + + +Uncle Josh in Society + +WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here +to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right +into the middle of high toned society, but +I guess that's jist about what I done. You +see I had an old friend a livin' down here +named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to +see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we +wuz boys together down home at Punkin +Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. +Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in +the city almanac, and he showed me whar +Henry lived, away up on a street called +avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's +house it jist about took my breath away, I +wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a +good deal bigger'n the court house at +Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know +whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered +up my courage, and I went up and +rang some new fangled door bell, when a +feller with knee britches on cum out and +wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. +Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a +minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a +picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally +I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, +if it wuz the same Henry I used to know +down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess +Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause +he jist cum out and grabbed me by both +hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how +do you do, cum right in." Wall he took +me into the house and introduced me to +more wimmin folks than I ever seen before +in all my life at one time. I guess they were +havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's +house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear +Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet +you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about +you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to +blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair +on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad +to know you, you kind-er put me in mind of +old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, +she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons +that I kin remember on. Wall Henry +took me off into a room by myself, and when +I got on my store clothes and my new calf +skin boots, I tell you I looked about as +scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had +a dance, I think they called it a cowtillion, +and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I +jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to +partners, swung on the corners, and cut up +more capers than any young feller thar, it +jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance +with me. One lady wanted to know if I +danced the german, but I told her I only +danced in English. + +Wall after that we had something to eat +in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n +got sot down and got to eatin right good, +when that durn fool with the knee britches +on insulted me, he handed me a little wash +bowl with a towel round it, and I told him +he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause +I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it +hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a +wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of +furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef +all over mud, and another what they called +a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made +out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall +that was mighty good eatin', though it took a +lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then +they handed me somethin' what they called +ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of +casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and +tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got +inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I +wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I +guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. + + +Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry + +I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with +the dogondest lookin' critter I calculate I +ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin +around purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts +of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses +and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust +time I'd ever seen a critter with his head +and tail on the same end. You see I +sed to a feller, now whar abouts in New +York do you folks git your washin' done; +when I left hum to come down here I lowed +I had enuff with me to do me, but I've +stayed here a little longer than I calculated +to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty +soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river. + +Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and +he told me thar wuz a place round the corner +whar a feller done all the washin', so I +went round, and there was a sine on the +winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, +or jump up and hop, or some other kind of +a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of +figers on the winder that I couldn't make +head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a +chicken with mud on its feet had walked +over that winder. + +Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my +washin' done, and gosh all spruce gum, thar +was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, +he jist looked fer all the world like a picter +on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz +sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to +myself--I don't spose this durned critter can +talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, +I might as well find out. So I told him I'd +like to git him to do some washin' fer me, +and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish +lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin' +out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong +oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good +washee. Wall I understood the last of it +and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv +him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller +ticket that he painted with a brush what he +had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the +holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could +read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell +into the ink bottle and then crawled over the +paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman +what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and +I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this +here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort +of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your +clothes thar to have them washed you git +one of them tickets, and then you have a +chance to draw a prize of some kind." So +I sed--wall now I want to know, how much +is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I +spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he +wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav +it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any +lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced +scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took +the ticket, and in a couple of days I went +round to git my washin', and that pig tailed +heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd +lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now look +here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round +and git me my collars and ciffs and other +clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I +don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by +chowder. Wall that critter he commenced +hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz +saw could turn, and all I could make out +wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung +yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as +plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle +me outen my clothes, so I made a grab +fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a +rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, +and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and +you couldn't hav told which one of us the +pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove +and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. +Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got +out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one +hand and about five yards of that pig tail in +tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' +thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung +noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. +I had quite a time with that heathen critter. + + + +Uncle Josh in a Museum + +WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' +along down the street when I cum to a theater +or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got +to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar +it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and +I alowed I might as well go in and see +it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar +over five minutes afore I made myself +the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I +noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots +blacked, and thar was a durned little pick +pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't +want to see him git robbed, so I went right +up to him and I sed--look out mister, you +air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that +durned cuss never sed a word and every +body commenced to laff, and I looked round +to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't +no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax +figger. I never felt so durned foolish since +the day I popped the question to Samantha. +Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and +thar wuz a feller what they called the human +pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of +needles and pins and looked like a hedge +hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a +quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and +sed, "everybody over to this end of the +hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of +them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a +feller what had more picters painted on him +than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist +got to lookin' at him when that feller what +had charge sed, "right this way everybody," +and we all went into whar they wuz havin' +the theater doins', and I got sot down and a +feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't +heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I +kin remember it wuz this way-- + + Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, + And I cum within one of not bein' here, + The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, + It happened some time 'bout last December. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo la ri do. + + The load was composed of both girls and boys, + All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. + And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather + Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo ri li do. + + +Wall, they had a parrit in that place and +the way he sputtered and jabbered and +talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. +Wall, I bought one of them birds from +a feller one time--he said it wuz a good +talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it +about three months, and it never sed a +durned word. I put in most of my spare +time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but +the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got +mad at him one day and throwed him out in +the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left +him thar. Wall, when I went out the next +mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half +of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of +'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned +parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the +barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', +and every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now +you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say +Uncle Josh." + + + +Uncle Josh in Wall Street + +I USED to read in our town paper down home +at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street +and them bulls and bears, and one thing and +another, so I jist sed to myself--now +Joshua, when you git down to New York +City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, +when I got to New York, I got a feller to +show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned +if I know why they call it Wall street; +it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked +up and down it bout an hour and a half, +and I couldn't find any stock exchange +or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I +couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep +nor a calf, or anything else that looked like +stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman-- +Mister, whar do they keep the menagery +down here. He sed "what menagery?" +I sed the place whar they've got all +them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked +at me as though he thought I wuz crazy, +and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum +along with me, guess I can show you what +you want to see." Wall I went along with +him, and he took me up to some public institushun, +near as I could make out it wuz a +loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a +room about two akers and a half squar, and +thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest +men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The +minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz +all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got +out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' +on the top of a table with a lot of papers in +his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche +injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to +git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em-- +Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that +feller up thar on the table? And he sed, +"Wall he's got five thousand bushels of +wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from +him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I +knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos +nobody but a crazy man would ever think +he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his +coat and pants pockits. Wall when they +wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt +mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a +feller standin' on the front steps; he had a +sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent +of the institushun; he talked purty +sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does +the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust +one went about twenty-five years ago." I +sed to him--is that my car over thar? He +sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car +company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. +He says "you'd better not, thar's bin +a good many cars missed around here +lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is +thar anything round here any fresher than +you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench +you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they +painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I +got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right. + + + +Uncle Josh and the Fire Department + +ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter +home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to +the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts +in New York do you keep the post offis? And +he sed, "what do you want with the post +offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter +home to mother and Samantha Ann, and +I'd like to go to the post offis and mail +it. And he told me "you don't have to +go to the post offis, do you see that little +box on the post thar on the corner?" I +alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You +jist go out thar and put your letter in that +box, and it will go right to the post offis." +I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. +Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal +of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when +I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put +my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks +and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed-- +"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," +or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly +make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook +'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I +couldn't git the durned thing open, then I +turned on the knob two or three times, and +that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the +hook and turned on the knob at the same +time, and jist then I think all the fire bells +in New York commenced to ringin' all to +onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the +fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook +and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to +whar I stood, and they had a big sody water +bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted +sody water all over me. Wall one of them +fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in +picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, +he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he +sed "what are you tryin' to do with that +box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter +home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed +"why you durned old green horn, you've +called out the hull fire department of New +York City." Wall I guess you could have +knocked me down with a feather. I sed-- +wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of +fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will +it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over +on thother corner, now you let this box +alone." Wall they all drove away, and I +went over to the other box, but I didn't +know whether to touch it or not, I didn't +know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater +if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a +standin' thar a feller cum along and looked +all round, and when he thot thar wan't any +body watchin' him, he opened that box and +commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd +heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis +robbers, when I wuz post master down home +at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right +thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and +flopped him right down on the side walk, +and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! +and every other thing I could think of, and +a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a +runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are +you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him +I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' +the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I +arrested him. Wall they all commenced a +laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of +the post masters of New York City. + +I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. + + + +Uncle Josh in an Auction Room + +I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at +one time and another, so the last day I wuz +thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' +ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go +out and buy somethin' to remember New York by. + +Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the +street when I cum to a place whar they wuz +auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped +to see what they had to sell. Wall that place +wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys. +I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz +five hundred years old, and it belonged at +one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, +or some of them old rascals; durned +if I believe anybody could read it. + +Wall I commenced a biddin' on different +things, but it jist looked as though everybody +had more money than I did, and they +sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up +an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I +wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought +as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall +I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz +knocked down to me fer three dollars and +fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to +git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh +it was gone. So I went up to the feller what +wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look +here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with +your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five, +once, twice, three times a goin'", and he +sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" +And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; +when I cum in here I had a pockit book in +my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost +it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say +to the feller what found it that I'll give five +dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it +ten," another sed "give you twenty," and +another sed "go you twenty-five." + +Durned if I know which one of 'em got +it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it. + +---- +Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't +use, so he gives it to you. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus + +I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I +guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on +about everything they've got to ride on thar. +I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and +them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I +had jist about cum to the conclushun that +every street in New York had a different +kind of a street car on it, but I found one +that didn't have care of any kind, I think +they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a +standin' thar one day a watchin' the people +and things go by, when all to onct along cum +the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate +I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a +wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon +and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs +what commenced at the hind end and rambled +around all over the wagon. I sed to a +gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name +of all that's good and bad, what do you call +that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a +Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, +I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he +sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." +Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about +busted my buttins a laffin' at things what +happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young +lady cum in and sot down, and she had a +little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. +Wall, she opened the valise and took out a +purse and shet the valise, then she opened +the purse and took out a dime, and shet the +purse, opened the valise and put in the +purse, and shet the valise, then she handed +the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front +of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. +Then she opened the valise and took out the +purse, shet the valise and opened the purse +and put in the nickel and shet the purse, +opened the valise and put in the purse and +shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, +please." Wall, I had to snicker right out, +though I done my best not to, but I jist +couldn't help it. I didn't have any small +change so I handed the feller a five-dollar +bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at +it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped +the hosses, cum round to the hind end of +the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that +five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it +was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, +you cum out here, I want to see you." +Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I +jist made up my mind if he indulged in any +foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a +minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: +"Now look here, honest injun, did you give +me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, +sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed, +"Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you +want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him +five dollars fer the whole durned outfit. +---- + +Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a +senator, and another man a convict. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy + + + +Uncle Josh in a Department Store + +ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a +feller, now whar kin I find one of them +stores whar they hav purty near everything +to sell what thar is on earth, and he sed "I +guess you mean a department store, don't you?" +I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they +may sell departments at one of them stores, +but what I want to git is some muzlin +and some caliker. Wall he showed me +which way to go, and I started out, and +wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' +at things, when some feller throwed +a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall +now I don't think much of a man what +throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, +and I don't think much of a bananer +what throws a man on the sidewalk, +neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit +that bananer peelin' and I went up in the +air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about +a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy +tells about, and some that haint been discovered +yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself +up a little boy cum runnin' cross the street +and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do +that agin, my mother didn't see you do it." +Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that +little rascal fer about a minnit, and his +mother would a seen me do it. + +I found one of them stores finally, and I +got on the inside and told a feller what I +wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed +girl, and she sent me over to a bald-headed +feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to do +only walk the floor and answer questions. +Wall I went up to him and I sed, mister I'm +sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd +show me round 'til I do a little bargainin'. +And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay +seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at +that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now, +you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav +you? Everybody commenced a laffin', and he +got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist +step this way, please." Wall he showed me +round and I bought what I wanted, and +when I cum to pay the feller what I had to +pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' +to git any of my money back. I handed him +a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it +in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, +and the durned thing commenced runnin' +all over the store. Wall now you can jist +bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased +it up one side and down the other, I knocked +down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset +five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle +out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then +some one commenced to holler "CASH" and +I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I +chased that durned little baskit round 'til I +got up to it, and when I did I was right thar +whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt +more foolish in all my life. +---- + +Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for +the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way +of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different +opinion. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York + +I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz +in New York, but I think some of the sines what +they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as +funny as anything I ever seen in my life. + +I wuz walkin' down the street one day +and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick Lunch." +Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into +the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever +they call it, and they had some sines hangin' +on the walls in thar that jist about made me +laff all over. I noticed one sine sed "Put +your trust in the Lord," and right under it +wuz another sine what sed "Try our mince +pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I +want to tell you right now, if you eat many +of them mince pies you want to put your +trust in the Lord. + +Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked +along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to +a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, +and yeller and purple lights in the winder. +Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a +purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder +that jist tickled me, it sed, "Frog in +your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of +them critters in my throat fer ten dollars. + +Wall, jist a little further up the street I +seen another sine what sed "Boots blacked +on the inside." Now, any feller what gits +his boots blacked on the inside ain't got +much respect fer his socks. I git mine +blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a +sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights shinin' +on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; +so I happened to turn round and when I +looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same +sine at all, and jist then it changed right in +front of my very eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun +that some feller on the inside wuz +a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so +I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff +or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it +would turn fust one way and then the t'other, +and 'fore you could make up your mind +what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be +that at all. + +A little further up the street I seen a sine +what sed, "This is the door." Now, any +durned fool could see it wuz a door. And +then I seen another sine what sed "Walk +in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder +they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, +on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And +then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder +and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine +sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any +durned fool what don't know that cast iron +sinks, ought to have some one feel his head +and find out what ails him. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Street Car + +NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar +inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller +what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. +I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on +them street cars what they got thar. Wall I +wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' +after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz +a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, +and every durned thing with red wheels on +it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half +after a feller one day to tell him the water +what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' +out, and when I caught up to him I found +out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. + +Wall I got on one of them street cars one +day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar +wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had +to hang onto one of them little harness straps +along side of the car. So I got holt of a +strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor +sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in +the road thar, you'd better move up a little +further, wall I moved up a little ways and I +stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he +got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you +see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess +I kin, but you brought them feet in here, +and I've got to step some whar." Wall +every one begin to laff, and the conductor +sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, +you'll have to move for'ard again," and +I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid +him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as +well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty +much all the time I wuz in thar. + +Wall I got onto another car, and I got +sot down, and I never laffed so much in all +my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz +a little slim lady, and right along side of her +wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as +though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' +more'n about two cents and a half worth of +room, so finally she turned round to the +fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge +by weight on this line," and the big lady sed +"Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer +you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud. + +Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside +of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the +car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer +'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed-- +"little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one +of them ladys sot down," and the little boy +sed, "you git up and they can all sot down." +Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' +right out. + +Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady +and the had the purtiest little baby I calculate +I'd ever seen in all my born days, I +wanted to be sociable with the little feller +so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and +sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just +looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," +wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you +could have knocked me down with a feather, +I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't +know the little thing was rubber. + +Wall I noticed up in one end of the car +thar wuz a little round masheen, and the +conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and +every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that +clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed +out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins +and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion +it showed how much the conductor +wuz in and the company wuz out. + +Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the +front end of the car, and he wuz a purty +nice sort of a feller, he showed me how +every thing worked and told me all about it, +wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, +hope I'll see you agin some time, and he +sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these +days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run +across me if I seen him a comin'. + + + +My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots + +THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, + +That over my memory scoots, + +When I think of my boyhood days once again + +And my fust pair of copper toed boots. + +How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, + +And bravely marched out on the floor, + +And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit + +And the best to be had at the store." + +That night, I remember, I took them to bed, + +With the rest of us little galoots, + +And among other things in my prars which I sed + +Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. + +And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand + +Wuz me and my new acquisition, + +And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, + +From the garret clar down to the kitchen. + +Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, + +I concluded I'd help do the chores; + +Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust + +If I didn't git right out of doors. + +But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, + +And I couldn't get one way or tother, + +And I jist had to stand right there in one spot + +And holler like thunder fer mother. + +But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise + +Fer I larned right thar on the spot, + +That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world + +Is that by experience taught. + +So though many years have since passed away, + +And I've ventured on various routes, + +I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today + +As my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + + +Uncle Josh in Police Court + +I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as +many cort houses in it as New York has got. +It jist seemed to me like every judge in New +York had a cort house of his own, and +most of them cort houses seemed to be +along side of some markit house. Thar +wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks +Markit Cort, and several other corts +and markits, and markits and corts, I can't +remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice +of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, +and I wuz a little anxious to see how they +handled law and jestice in New York City, +so one mornin' I went down to one of them +cort houses, and thar wuz more different +kinds of people in thar than I ever seen +afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys-- +Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, +and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, +old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad +and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up +on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; +ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; +case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," +and the Lord only knows what else. +Wall, some of the cases they tried in that +cort house made me snicker right out loud. +They brought in a little Irish feller, and the +Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" +And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your +honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick +McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. +McGiness, what is your occupation?" And +the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your +honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: +"Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as +though you ever saw a ship in all your life." +And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall +Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in +me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland +in a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case +dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner." + +Wall, the next prisoner what they brought +in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and +the way he stuttered jist beat all. The +Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" +And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, +yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my +n-n-na-na-name is-is-is----." The +Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. +Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?" +And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, +the way he talks sounds to me like he might +be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin' +so I had to git right out of the cort house. + +It sort of made me think of a law soot we +had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice +of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: +One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to +Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd +sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, +and he didn't want to part with the cow, +'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he +struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz +to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and +generally take keer on her fer the milk she +giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went +to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, +Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." And +Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, +if you've got any cow round here I'll be +durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, +Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige +sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et +her head off two or three times since then." +So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her +milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk +be durned, she went dry three weeks after +you left, and she ain't give any milk since, +and near as I can figger it out, seems to me +as how I've pestered her and fed her all this +time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, Lige, +that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: +"Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and +seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points +in the law, I'm goin' to keep her." + +So they went to law about it, and all +Punkin Centre turned out to heer the trial. +Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both +sides of the case, he sed: "The Cort is +compelled, from the evidence sot forth in +this case, to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid +Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant, +the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from +the evidence sot forth that the cow critter in +question is a valuable critter, and wuth more +'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it +is the verdict of this cort that the aforesaid +defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow +two weeks longer, and then she is hisn." + + + +Uncle Josh at Coney Island + +I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times +'bout that place what they call Coney Iland, +and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made +up my mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one +day I got on one of them keers what +goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started +out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along +side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and +she seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or +other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do +these cars stop when we git on the other side +of the bridge?" I sed, wall now if they +don't you'll git the durndest bump you ever +got in your life. + +Wall we got on the other side, and I got +on one of them tra-la-lu cars what goes down +to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, +and he put it in his pockit jist the same +as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz +gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I +git any change? He sed, "didn't you see that +sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he +sez "you better go out and look at it." + +Wall I went out and looked at it, and +that settled it. It sed "This car goes to +Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; +I'll be durned if I got any. + +Wall we got down thar, and I must say +of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever +heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. +Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place +what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It +looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, +one end in a duck pond and tother end up +in the air, and they would haul a boat up to +the top and all git in and then cum scootin' +down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I +alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got +into one of the boats along with a lot of other +folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I +never see agin. They yanked us up to the +top of that troff and then turned us loose, +and I jist felt as though the whole earth had +run off and left us. We went down that troff +lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' +alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed +me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of +me you brazen female critter. But she jist +hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and +everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that +durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased +lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit +book and tother on my hat, and we went +kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the +durned boat upsot and we went into the +water, and that durned female critter hung +onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a +drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep +and I jist started to wade out when along +cum another boat and run over us, and +under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed +to get out to the bank, and that female +woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue +a lady from a watery grave. And I jist told +her if she had kept her mouth shet she +wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond. + +Wall they had one place what they called +the Middle Way Plesumps, and another place +what they called The Streets of Caro, and they +had a lot of shows a goin' on along thar. +Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down, +and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show +I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I purty near +busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot +of gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I +don't know what they called it, but it sooted +me fust rate. When I got home, the more +I thought about it the more I made up my +mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out +in the corn field whar none of the neighbors +could see me, and I'll be durned if I +didn't knock down about four akers of corn, +but I never got that dance right. I wuz the +talk of the whole community; mother didn't +speak to me fer about a week, and Aunt +Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame +and a disgrace to the village, but I notice +Nancy has asked me a good many questions +about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder +if we didn't find Nancy out in the cornfield +one of these days. + + + +Uncle Josh at the Opera + +WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now +mother, when I git down to New York City I'm +goin' to see a regular first-class theater. +We never had many theater doin's down our way. +Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to Punkin +Centre along last summer, but we +couldn't let 'em hav the Opery House to +show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the +Opery House wuz full of hay, and we couldn't +let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place +to put the hay. An then about a year and a +half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that +wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; +they left a good many of their things behind +'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins +he got one of the mules, and he tried to +hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks +Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I +traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendricks +fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, +borrowed the gun and shot the dog. + +Wall, I got into one of your theaters +here, got sot down and wuz lookin' at it; +and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with +a lot of lights shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' +it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out +with horns and fiddles, and they all started +in to fiddlin' and tootin', end all to once they +pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of +folks having a regular family quarrel. I +knowed that wasn't any of my business, and +I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the +rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I +calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my +hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, +'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way +and tend to his own business thar wouldn't +be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller +handed me a piece of paper what told all +about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' +at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar +wuz five years took place 'tween the fust +part and the second part. I knowed durned +well I wouldn't have time to wait and see +the second part, so I got up and went out. +Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in +mind of somethin' what happened down +hum on the last day of school. You see the +school teacher got all the big boys and the +big girls, and the boys they read essays and +the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner +girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. +Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' +like this: + + How nice to hear the bumble-bee + When you go out a fishin', + But if you happen to sot down on him, + He'll spoil your disposition. + + +I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so +touchin' about it. Then the school teacher +he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and +he dressed them up to represent the different +kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent +the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another +one to represent the moon, and another +one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, +and it looked mighty fine, and everythin' +wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim +Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement +on it; so he went out and got a colord +girl, and he wanted to sot her between the +sun and the moon and make an eklips. And +as usual he busted up the whole doin's. + + + +Uncle Josh at Delmonico's + +I USED to hear the summer boarders tell +a whole lot about a place here in New York +kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's +bin about ten thousand summer +boarders down to Punkin Centre +one time and another, and I guess I've +carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' +from about all of them; and when anyone of +'em would find fault with anythin' I used to +ast him whar he boarded at in New York, +and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so +I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico +must hav a right smart purty good sized +tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, +when I git down to New York that's whar +I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. + +Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it +wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't +s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my +life; guess you could have knocked my eyes +off with a club; they stuck out like bumps +on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and +birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash +tubs, didn't look to me as though they would +stand much of a gale; and about a hundred +and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to +onct, and out in the woods somewhar they +had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em +but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em +wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their +dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society +festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' +time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and +commenced talkin' some furrin language I +didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, +mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz +one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't +talk to him. Then another feller cum up +right smart like and wanted to know if I'd +hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a +card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to +him he could bring me my dinner on a plate. +Wall, he handed me a programme of the +dinner and I et about half way down it and +drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, +and it got into my head, and I never felt so +durn good in all my life. I got to singin' +and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in +the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of +Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I got +to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in +alot of constables, and it cost me sixteen +dollars and forty-five cents, and then they +took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon +with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the +bell every foot of the way to let folks know +I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders. + + + +It is Fall + +THE days are gettin' shorter, and +the summer birds are leaving, + +The wind sighs in the tree tops, +as though all nature was grieving; + +The leaves they drop in showers, there's a +blue haze over all, + +And a feller is reminded that once again it's +Fall. + + +It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered +in, + +The wheat is in the granary and the oats are +in the bin; + +A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony +with all, + +The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know +it's Fall. + + +I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the +water mill, + +While dressed in gorgeous colors is each +valley, knoll and hill; + +The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly +wander home, + +And the hives are just a-bustin' with the +honey in the comb. + + +Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple +paring bee, + +And the signs of peace and plenty are just +splendid for to see; + +The flowers they are drooping, soon there +won't be none at all, + +Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that +I know it's Fall. + + +The muskrat has built himself a house down +by the old mill pond, + +The squirrels are laying up their store from +the chestnut trees beyond; + +While walking through the orchard I can +hear the ripe fruit fall; + +There's an air of quiet comfort that only +comes with Fall. + + +The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes +you feel first-rate, + +And there's work to keep you going from +early until late; + +So you feel like giving praises unto Him +who doeth all, + +Nature heaps her blessings on you at this +season, and it's Fall. + + +The nights are getting frosty and the fire +feels pretty good, + +I like to see the flames creep up among the +burning wood; + +Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot +owl call, + +He is looking for his supper, I guess he +knows its Fall. + + +And though the year is getting old and the +trees will soon be bare, + +There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and +some to spare; + +For there's still some poor and needy who +for our help do call, + +So we'll share with them our blessings and +be thankful that it's Fall. + + + +Si Pettingill's Brooms + +WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season +wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra Hoskins's +store, talkin' on things in general, when up +drove Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. +Wall, we all took a long breath, and got +ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz +ever done in Punkin Centre. 'Cause Si, he +could see a bargain through a six-inch plank +on a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar +bill rattle in a bag of feathers a mile off, +and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a +goin' to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood +'round, didn't say much, and Ezra got most +uncommonly busy--he had more business +than a town marshal on circus day. + +Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy +Smith three yards of caliker, and Ruben +Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim +Lawson a plug of tobacker fer a muskrat +hide, he sed: "How's things over your +way, Si?" Si remarked: "things wuz +'bout as usual, only the water had bin most +uncommon high, White Fork had busted +loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's +mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's +paster wuz all under water, which made it +purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to +strain the milk two or three times to git the +minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns +wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz +a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist +church, and most every one had got religion, +and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout +as usual." + +Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you +git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; +I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated +I might as well have it done while thar wuz +plenty of water." + +"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; +I've got some brooms I'd like to sell ye." +Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house +cleanin' is comin' on and I'll most likely +need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em +in." Si sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as +thar's any need to crowd the mourners, can't +we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer +these brooms, Ezra, I don't want any store +trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't +know 'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a +gray hoss of another color, I always gin ye +store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: +"Y-a-s--, and that's a gray hoss of another +color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did +ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, +Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall, +Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot +fer a spell, and then he sed: "Tell ye what +I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other +half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: +"Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar +will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put +them in the back end of the store, Si, and +stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, +and I've got a lot of things comin' in from +Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had +the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they +be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure +thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted +'em on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, +and counted 'em when I made 'em." So +Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now +what do you want in trade?" Si looked +'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, +Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks +pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the +same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?" + +Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub +and Ruben Hendricks cut his thumb with +his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon +sed: "No, Si, that baptizin' didn't +take. And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say. + +---- + +Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we +would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh Plays Golf + +WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, +Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a +game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind +the woodshed whar mother couldn't +see us and them durned boys dressed +your uncle up in the dogondest suit of +clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a +pair of socks that had more different colors +in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like +a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, +and a-goin' across the medder our turkey +gobbler took after me and I had an awful +time with that fool bird. I calculate as how +I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving +time. + +Wall, the boys took me into the paster, +and they had it all dug up into what they +called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer +full of little Injun war clubs. They called +one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a +lot of other fool names I never heerd afore, +and can't remember now. Then they +brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big +as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up on a +little hunk of mud. Then they told me to +take one of them thar war clubs and stand +alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist +peeled off my coat and got a good holt on +that war club and I jist whaled away at that +durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, +and the boys all commenced to holler "foozle." + +Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled +away at it again, and I hit it right whar I +missed it the fust time, and I whirled round +and sot down so durned hard I sot four back +teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air +and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit +myself on the shin and on the pet corn at the +same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a- +rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' +like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder +'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that +durned little ball way over into the next +county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit +on my hands and got a good holt on that +war club and I whaled away at that little ball +agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it +clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, +and hit his old muley cow, and she got +skeered and run away, jumped the fence +and went down the road, and the durned +fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went +slap dab into Ezra Hoskins' grocery store, +upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg +of soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub +of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of +winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson +who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and +broke his durned old wooden leg, and then +she went right out through the winder and +skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a +standin' thar, and they run away and smashed +his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has +sued me fer damages, and mother won't +speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy +him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors +all say as how I ought to be put away some +place fer safe keepin', and Aunt Nancy +Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye +and didn't find it for three or four days, and +when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin' +marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, +and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on the +grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, +and she has to sort of put it in with cotton +round it to bold it, and the cotton works +out at the corners and skeers the children +and every time I see Nancy that durned eye +seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, +and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller +what knocks the ball so durned far you +can't find it or whar it does the most damage, +wins the game. + + + +Jim Lawson's Hogs + +WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose +thar wuz ever enybody in Punkin Centre that had +quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall +Jim had a right likely bunch of shoats, but +somehow or other he couldn't git 'em fat, +it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the +poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about +worried clar down to a shadder. He kept +givin' them hogs medecin' and feedin' of +'em everything he could think on, but it +wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em +would lay down and die. All the neighbors +would cum and lean over the fence, and +talk to Jim, and give him advice, but somehow +them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody +could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til +one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's +store, and he looked as tickled as though +he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I want +you all to cum over to my place; I've found +out what's alin' them hogs." Deacon +Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, +Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the +ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and +when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and +the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and that +mud it gits more mud, and finally they git +so much mud on their tails that it draws +their skin so tight that they can't shet their +eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the +want of sleep." + +Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his +hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist +conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. +Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov +'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. +Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" +Jim sed: "Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed +"Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums +from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, +they've got more hogs up Concord way than +they know what to do with. Lige Willit +took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby +took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of +hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away +down in Concord. But the paper sez it's +good in Manchester, and you'd make money, +Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his +chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and +sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to +go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off +and turn them round." Wall, they druv +them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, +and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' +thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: +"Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you +a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near +as he could figure it out from his present +bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to +Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" +Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly what all +he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, +he'd most likely sell his hogs." And Caleb +sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. +Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any +more hogs comin' in, 'cos what hogs they is +thar has all got colery, and you'd better go +to Concord. Besides the paper says markit +is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim +sed a good many things that wouldn't sound +good at a prayer meetin', and then he sed: +"Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer +Concord, so turn round." Wall, they went +along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs +couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz +jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell +'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, +'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's place whar +the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of +moovin' them from thar fer some time to +cum. + +Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that +we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's store, +and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do +very well with your hogs this year, did you?" +And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's +jist owin' to how you look at it. I never +caught up to that blamed markit, but I had +the society of the hogs fer two weeks." + + + +Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent + +WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any +feller what ever lived in Punkin Centre. A +short time ago we wanted to build a new town +hall, and calculated we'd have a brick +building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if +you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes +another trip or two down to New York +thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round +Punkin Centre to build a new town hall." + +Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' +out on my back porch, when along cum one +of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, +he jist cum right up and commenced a-talkin' +at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal +or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all +his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am astonished +at you. I've looked over your entire +premises and I find you haven't got a lightning +rod on any buildin' that you possess. +Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are +flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't +you know that lightning may strike at any +time and demolish everything within the +sound of my voice? Don't you know you +are criminally negligent? Why, my dear +sir, I am astonished to think that a man of +your jedgment and good common sense +should allow yourself to----" Wall, about +that time I'd got my breath and wits at the +same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, gosh +durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" +Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods, +and he brought out a little masheen and told +me to take hold of the handles and he'd +show me what a powerful thing 'lectricity +wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and +he turned on a crank, and that durned masheen +jist made me dance all over the porch, +and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as +though I'd fell in a yeller jacket's nest, and +about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' +me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed +he could put up a lightning rod or two, seein' +as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went +to work and I went over to Ezra Hoskins', +and when I got back home my place wuz a +sight to behold; it looked like a harrer +turned upside down. Thar wuz seven +lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen +house, one on the corn crib, one on the +smoke house, two on the granery, three on +the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the +crab apple tree, and when I got thar that +durned fool had the old muley cow cornered +up a-tryin' to put a lightnin' rod on her. +Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and +thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more. +Wall, he got me to sine a paper what sed he +had done a good job, and he sed he had to +show that to the company. + +Wall, about a week after that we had a +thunder storm, and I think the lightnin' +struck everything on the place except the +spring wagon and old muley cow, and they +didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall +I thought I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky +til next day, when along cum a feller with +that paper what I had sined, and durned if +it wan't a note fer six hundred dollars, and +by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it! + +Buncode agin, by chowder! + +---- + +Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that +wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong +pipe most usually rides in front. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Meeting of the Annanias Club + +WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used +to git down to Ezra Hoskins' grossery store +and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and +whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese +and proons and anything Ezra happened to +have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git +to spinnin' yarns that would jist about put +Annanias and Safiry right out of business if +they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon +we wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns +when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos +wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar +he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell of +hills cum together and you couldn't git out +thar and talk louder 'n a whisper on account +of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder +what wuz thar remarked as how he wasn't +afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of +any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; +so he went out and hollered jist as loud as he +could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' +and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off +onto another one and gittin' bigger and +louder all the time 'til it got back whar it +started from and hit a stone quarry and +knocked off a piece of stone and hit that feller +in the head, and he didn't cum too fer +over three hours. Wall, we thought that +wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none +of us sed anything fer a right smart spell +and then Si Pettingill remarked "he didn't +know anything about eckos, but he calculated +he'd seen some mighty peculiar things; +sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as +hard as anybody ever seen it rain." +Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did +you ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall +one day last summer down our way it +got to rainin' and it rained so hard that +the drops jist rubbed together comin' +down, which made them so allfired hot that +they turned into steam; why, it rained +so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider +bar'l layin' out in the yard that had both +heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it +rained so hard into that bung hole that the +water couldn't run out of both ends of the +bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and +busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of +terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra +Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how +he'd ever seen it rain quite so hard as that, +but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he +sed one time when he wuz out in Kansas it +got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' up +the river left a cloud of dust behind them. +And hot, too; why, it got so allfired hot that +one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn +out behind the barn, and it got so hot that +the corn got to poppin' and flyin' 'round +that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz +snow and laid down and froze to death. +Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson +commenced to show signs of uneasiness, and +someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and Jim +remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut +a sliver off from his wooden leg, "I wuz +a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one +winter when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket +way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I remember +right; anyhow, we had a kittle of +bilin' water sottin' on the fire, and we sot it +out doors to cool off a little, and that water +froze so durned quick that the ice wuz hot." + +Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up +time." + + + +Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade + +SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was +calculated to be about the best hoss trader in +Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a +fence, chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and +jist about swap ye outen your eye-teeth, if +you'd listen to him. + +Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; +Jim 'd swap anything he had fer anything +he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. + +Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and +tackled Jim fer a swap; and about that time +Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more +cussedness in him to the squar inch than any +critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus +mule that Ezra Hoskins owned. + +Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine +lookin' critter, and we all calculated that +Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day +Jim went to ride him, 'n he found out if he +fetched the peskey critter on the sides he'd +squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he +didn't git rid of that hoss, his reputation as a +hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went +over in t'other township to see old Deacon +Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz +mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he +had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz sort of hard +fer him to git 'round, so he had to do his +huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say +much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that +huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this +fall, cos he'd seen one or two flocks of +partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and +some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk +ford, and finally he sed: "Deacon, I've got +a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." +Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's +eyes off with a club, they stuck out like +bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I +never heered tell of sech a thing in all my +life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" +Jim sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to +set for all kinds of game. I calculated as +how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right +smart of hunting." So the Deacon sed, +"Wall, now, I want to know; bring him +over, Jim, I'd like to see him." + +Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all +Punkin Centre jest sort of held its breath to +see how it would cum out. + +Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and +as they wuz a-ridin' along through the timber +down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim +keepin' his eyes peeled and not sayin' much, +when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' in a +brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss +on the sides and he squatted right down. +The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter +of your hoss, Jim, look what he be a +doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you +see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? +the old hoss is a-settin' of him." Deacon +sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable +thing I ever seen in my life; how'd you like +to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, +I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, +but I ain't much of a hand at huntin', and +seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll +trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to boot." + +Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, +but he sed, "I'll trade you, Jim." +They traded hosses, and when they wuz a- +comin' home they had to ford the crick what +runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the +old hoss wuz a-wadin' through the water, +Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep +them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the +old boss on the sides and he squatted right +down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look +a-here, Jim, what's the matter with this ungodly +brute, he ain't a-settin' now be he?" +Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in +the water; tell you he's trained to set fer +suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's +had a thorough eddication." + +---- + +Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to +me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful +in life. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Meeting of the School Directors + +WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' +about the school house. You see it had got to +be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort +of an affair, and when it wuz bad weather we +couldn't have school in it, 'cause you might +jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it +rained as to be a settin' in that school house. +Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the fall term, +and we wanted our boys and girls to git all +the schoolin' an' eddication what they could; +so we called a meetin' of the school directors +to devise ways and means of buildin' a new +school-house without stoppin' school. Wall, +we all met down at the school-house; thar +wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, +Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim +Lawson and me. Before we commenced +debatin' and argufyin' on the matter, Si +Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he +got up and sang the durndest old-fashioned +song I calculate I ever heered in my life; +went somethin' like this: + + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + oohoo--oohoo. + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + With a sword and a pistol by his side, + oohoo--oohoo. + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + oohoo--oohoo, + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + And there he knelt upon the floor, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? + oohoo--oohoo. + + +Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess +if we hadn't he'd bin singin' about that frog +and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim +Lawson he sed, "I make a moshen;" and +Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, +and he sed, "Now look here, young feller, +don't you make any moshens at me or durned +if I don't git down thar and flop you in about +a minnit. You take your feet off'n that +desk and that corncob pipe out'n your +mouth, and conduct yourself with dignity +and decorum, and address the chairman of +this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his +station." Wall, Jim he got right smart riled +over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you +gosh durned old gospel pirate, I want you to +understand that I'm a member of this body, +a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably +discharged servant of the government, and I +make a moshen that we build a new school- +house out of the bricks of the old school- +house, and I do further offer an amendment +to the original moshen, that we don't tear +down the old schoolhouse until the new one +is built." + +Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The +gentleman is out of order;" and Jim sed, "I +ain't so durned much out of order but that I +kin trim you in about two shakes of a dead +sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it, +them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon +he grabbed Jim and Jim he grabbed the +Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the +Deacon he wuz stuck fast 'tween a desk and +the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg +through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't +get it out, and they've both gone to law +about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a +writ of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and +the Deacon says he's goin' to prosecute Jim +for bigamy and arson and have him read out +of the church. + +Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. + +---- + +Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be +generally better off if they didn't git it. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre + +WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz +a-walkin' along on that street what they call +the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar +noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and +masheenery. Wall, I wuz jist flobgasted; I +jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar +wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' +along side of it with slege hammers in their +hands, and every onct in a while they would +go to poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd +stand 'round and watch 'em do it; they reminded +me of a couple of fellers splittin' +rales. And all 'round the edge of the buildin' +they had hoot owls sottin', with electric +lites in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the +masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed +ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery +in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved +them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen +before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' +masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' +them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' +in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all +printed and full of picters and folded up +ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done +it. Wall, we never had but one paper down +home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The +Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim +Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim +he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, +so to keep him out of mischief we made him +editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over +Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got +any money for the noospaper--always got +paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a +mighty good place fer him to take in his +subskriptions. Wall, things went along +pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a +feller he cum in and give Jim a keg of hard +cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, +and we all calculated right then that +somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; and sure +enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim +had got two advertisements; one wuz fer +Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz +the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw +Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he got to +drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at +the same time, and when the paper cum out +on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. +Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben +Jackson's resterant would leave the depo +every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake +and mutton stews, and would change cars at +White River Junkshen for mins and punkin +pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag +stashen fer coffy and do nuts like mother +used to make, and the train wouldn't run on +Sundays cos the stashun agint what done the +cookin' would have to run en extra on that +day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion." + +I believe that wuz the last issu of the +Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. + +---- + +Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, +sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, +and sometimes the result of hard cider. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting + +WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting +at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer several days we +wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' +preparations fer the camp meetin', and +some of the committee alowed we ought to +have lemonade fer the Sunday school +children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist +as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick +what runs back of the camp meeting +grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown +sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the +Sunday school children drink right out of +the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had +right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed +up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed +down a hemlock tree and used the stump +fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons +preached at that camp meetin' beat anything +I ever heered in my life afore. You see we'd +bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout +corporations, monopolies and trusts, and one +minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved +brethren and sisters, we should not be +too severe on the monopolists. If we read +the scripters closely we observe our forefathers +wuz all monopolists. Adam and Eve +had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, +and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, +had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the +apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had +a corner on the salt market. And while +Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk business, +yet we observe she took a great proffit +out of the water; yea, verrily." Most on us +cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a +free pass. + +Samantha Hoskins concluded she would +have to sing her favorit hymn; it went something +like this: + + "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', + And neither in the heat of the day; + But cum along in the evenin', Lord, + And wash my sins away. + +Chorus-- + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + To see my ship cum in." + + +Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks +skeered a skunk out of a holler log. Si +Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon +Witherspoon sot down in a huckleberry pie +and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, +and she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like +she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', and +old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and +he stumped 'round and got his old wooden +leg into a post hole and fell down, and the +dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell +which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and +durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. + + + +The Unveiling of the Organ + + IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, + I believe in eighty-nine, + We had some doin's at the meetin' house, + That we thought wuz purty fine; + + It wuz a great occasion, + The choir, led by Sister Morgan, + Had called us thar to witness + The unveilin' of the organ. + + In order fer to git it + We'd bin savin' here and there, + Lookin' forward to the time + When we'd have music fer to spare, + And as the time it had arrived, + And the organ had cum, too, + We had all of us assembled thar + To hear what the thing could do. + + Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, + In a handsome walnut case, + And thar wuz expectation + Pictured out on every face; + Then when Deacon Witherspoon + Had led us all in prayer, + The congregation all stood up + And Old Hundred rent the air. + + Jist then the doin's took a turn, + Though I'm ashamed to say it, + We found that old Jim Lawson + Wuz the only one could play it; + But Jim, the poor old feller, + Had one besettin' sin, + A fondness fer hard cider + Which he'd bin indulgin' in. + + But he sot down at that organ, + Planked his feet upon the pedals, + And he showed us he could play it + Though he hadn't any medals; + He dwelt upon the treble + And he flirted with the base, + He almost made that organ + Jump right out of its case. + + Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head + And in his fingers, too, + So he played some dancin' music + And old Yankee Doodle Doo; + He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon + And scared poor Sister Morgan, + And jist busted up the meetin' + At the unveilin' of the organ. + + + +Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball + +I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of +foot ball they have in New York, so while I +was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see +a game of it, so went out to one of their city +pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now +I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of +any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty +or sixty ambulances, and I think about that +many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from +what I could see of the game I calculate +they needed all of them. I saw one feller +and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it +jist looked as though they wuz all trying to +get a kick at him. They had a half back +and a quarter back; I suppose when they got +through with that feller he wuz a hump +back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot +ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any +foot ball in his'n. + +I never played but one game of ball in +my life that I kin remember on, and don't +believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it +wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and +the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, +and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like +to have you help us play a game of base +ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too +old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help +you play one game, I'll be durned if I +don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and +wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases +and bats put around in thar places, and a +buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence +corner, whar we could get a drink when we +wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, +but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they +wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then +I happened to look around and thar wuz the +biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. +You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of +the paster; I would hav got out too, but I +got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to +hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through +the fence. He didn't git me all the way +through, cos I wuz half way through when +he got thar; but he got the last half through. +I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the +only feller what had a score of the game; I +couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every +time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly +how the game stood. + +They hav a good many new fangled +games now, but when they git anything that +can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat +fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it. + + + +The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + +WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad +in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be +right smart cityfied. I guess that's about +the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. +I think that railroad runs across itself in one +or two places; it runs past one station three +times. It's so durned crooked they hav to +burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, +the fust ingine they had on the Punkin +Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. +It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot +whissel, and every time they blowed the +whissel the durned old ingine would stop. + +Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're +mighty proud of it; but we had an awful +time a-gittin' it through. You see, most +everybody give the right of way 'cept Ezra +Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go +through his medder field, and it seemed as +though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a +ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin +Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra +saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most +uncommonly busy like; so he went down to +them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down +here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, +we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra +sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be +we? Is it goin' right through here?" And +they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's +a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, +"Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of +ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about +plow up my medder field, won't ye?" They +sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do +some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let +me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got +that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, +sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near +as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge +it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." +They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, +but the railroad is a-goin' right through your +barn." + +Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a +spell, and we all expected thar would be +trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose +the community of Punkin Centre needs a +railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections +to its goin' through, but I'm goin' +to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go +any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', +you've got to git a man to cum down +here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' +along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be +too durned busy to run down here and open +and shet them barn doors every time one of +your pesky old trains wants to go through." + +---- + +Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed +since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will +exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has +ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that +is past all description. Which will make a hired man +fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act +boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be +stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an +indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Bicycle + +A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra +Hoskins' boy, he cum home from college and +bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens +hum with him, and I think ever since +that time the whole town of Punkin Centre +has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon +Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a bisickle to +Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't +ride one of them 'cause he's got a wooden +leg; but he jist calculated if he could git it +hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could +cut more hay with it than any man in Punkin +Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz +tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle. + +Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' +bisickles now, and nothin' would do but I +must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, +I didn't think very favorably on it, but in +order to keep peace in the family I told them +I would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. +I wish you had bin thar when I commenced. +I took that masheen by the horns and I led +it out into the middle of the road, and I +got on it sort of unconcerned like, and +then I got off sort of unconcerned like. +Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it +over, and then the trouble commenced. +I got on that durned masheen and it +jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, +and bucked up in the middle, and +shied and balked and jumped sideways, +and carried on worse 'n a couple of steers +the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed +to hang on fer a spell, and then I went +up in the air and cum down all over that bisickle. +I fell on top of it and under it and +on both sides of it; I fell in front of the +front wheel and behind the hind wheel at +the same time. Durned if I know how I +done it but I did. I run my foot through +the spokes, and put about a hundred and +fifty punctures in a hedge fence, and skeered +a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I +done more different kinds of tumblin' than +any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life, +and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot +circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. +Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the +clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, +I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button +and my standin' in the community. I +broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets, +I broke the ten commandments, I broke +my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud +and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got +so excited he run his wooden leg through a +knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it +out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; once +is enough fer me. You kin all ride your +durned old bisickles that want to, but fer my +part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to +sit down and walk. No more bisickles fer +your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it, and +your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how +he do. + +---- + +Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another +way of gittin' it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church + +A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' +at the Hickory Corners Church, and before the +baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin' +we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them +questions and answers in that Sunday school jist +made me snicker right out loud. You see, old +Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the +Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let +me see what little boy can tell me who slew +the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one +sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little +red-headed feller down at the foot of the +class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila." +The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't +Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, +it wuz Sampson." Another little feller +sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of +got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is +the feller what done the job, at Santiague." +The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin +readin' too much about them war doin's in +the papers. Now what little boy can tell +me what is the first commandment?" And +Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the +main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the +meetin' house, whar I could have a good +laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down +thar in the fust place, or the second place, +fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim +Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old +critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' +fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum +over to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's +you and me go down to the baptizin'." I +sed, "What do you want to go down thar +fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin +ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar +wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my +house, and I want to go down thar and see +if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin +thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the +minister he had the hymn books to sell, and +the minister sed he'd tell the congregation +all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in +the meetin' house and went to sleep; and +then he went to snorin'; you could hear him +clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't +a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up +Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' +through with his sermon, he sed, "Now +all members of the congregation having +babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized +after the sermon is over, bring them +up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." +Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and +be thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about +his hymn books; so he stood up and sed, +"Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll +let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece." + +---- + +Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists +mainly of doing right. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Reminiscence of My Railroad Days + +Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and +Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa. + + WALL, John, I read your poetry, + And laughed till I nearly cried, + Seein' how you became an engineer, + And got on the right hand side. + It made me think of the days gone by, + When I wuz one of you fellers, too, + What used to run an old machine, + And go tootin' the country through. + But the engine that I had then, John, + Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" + She wuz old and worn and loggy, + And jist chuck full of pranks; + And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, + Full of bolts and valves and knobs, + And the boiler wouldn't hold water; + Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. + + But I wuz younger then, John, + And I didn't care a cuss; + So I'd pull the throttle open + And jist let her wheeze and fuss. + The road that I wuz a-runnin' on + Wuz out in the woolly west; + Two streaks of rust and the right of way + Wuz puttin' it at its best. + So we sort of plugged along, John. + And didn't put on any frills, + Never thought of doin' anything + But doublin' all the hills. + I tell you those were rocky times, + And we hadn't no air brake; + And fifteen miles an hour, John, + Wuz durn good time to make. + + And thar wuz as good a lot of boys + As you could meet with anywhere; + Rough and ready open up, + And always on the square. + And I'd like to see them all again, + And grasp each honest hand; + But some of them, like me, have quit, + Some have gone to another land. + I have changed somewhat since then, John, + Jist a little more steady grown; + But I often think of my railroad days + As the happiest ones I've known. + And, John, I often watch the train. + As they go whizzing by; + As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, + Thar's a tear comes in my eye. + + Perhaps you'd like to know, John, + Just why I quit the rail, + And as some feller one time sed, + "Thereby hangs a tale." + I wuz goin' along one night, John, + At a purty lively rate, + The old machine a-doin' her best, + And me forty minutes late, + When all at once there came a crash, + I felt the old track yield, + And fireman, machine and I + Went into a farmer's field. + There's little more to say, John, + They laid me up for repairs, + But my fireman, poor fellow, + Hadn't time to say his prayers. + + So now you have my story, John; + Still, you don't know how it feels + To know you've got to plug around + On a couple of flat wheels. + But it doesn't bother me, John, + Gosh, not fer a minnit; + I'm as happy as the day is long, + And feel jist strictly in it. + But sometimes I like to meet the boys, + And talk them days all over, + And I feel as gay and chipper + As a calf in a field of clover + But the happiest days I've known, John, + The ones that to me see best, + Wuz when I run an old machine + Way out in the woolly west. + +---- + +Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. + Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh at a Circus + +WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar +wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin Centre, and I think +the whole population turned out to see it. They +cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' +and banners flying, and animals pokin' their +heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim +cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful +lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and +see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he +alowed he'd take the children and let them +see the lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill +remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders +on himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards +that the Deacon had a front seat whar he could see +and hear purty well. + +Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you +and me go down to the cirkus," and Ezra +sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our +store clothes, our new boots, and put some +money in our pockits, and went down to the +cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my +life cut up more fool capers than Ezra did. +We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra +he walked around the elefant three or four +times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, +that's a durned handy critter--he's got two +tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin' +the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! +Wall, we went on a little ways further, and +all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, +thar's Steve Jenkins over thar in one of +them cages." I sed, "Cum along you silly +fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, +"Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve +Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty +near raised Steve." Wall, we went over to +the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' +only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted +to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked +like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of +pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's +family a long ways back. + +Wall then we went into whar they wuz +havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two +old codgers jist about busted our buttins +a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut +up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot +down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; +and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. +She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted +critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled +to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in +him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy +she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, +they brought a trick mule into the ring, and +the ring master sed he'd give any one five +dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben +Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with +four legs what had hair on. So he got into +the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben +and chased him 'round that ring so fast +Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other +side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to +git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss +back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy +Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum +out thar without clothes enough on her to +dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed +that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all +alowed it, whatever he meant. And then +that silly old clown he told the ring master +that his uncle committed sooiside different +than any man what ever committed sooiside; +and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did +your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly +old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his +ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang +an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a +long time; went something like this: + + From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, + From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, + From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown + to Widdletown, + Take it all together and its fifteen miles. + + +He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. +Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round +among the benches as though he might +a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, +did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" +He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if +you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall, +I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them +cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' +I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit +and give it to him; and the durned fool +didn't know but what it wuz the same one +that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of +his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell +you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin +Centre. + + + +Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + +I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to +go home, that all you folks would be down +here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, +that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it +ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; +I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I +kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks +have made it purty warm fer me since I've +bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed +it 'bout as much as you have. + +I'd like to have you all cum down to +Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this +summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. +Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, +huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other +things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in +my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a +flyin' squirrel. + +I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm +last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I +sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer +me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it +so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of +it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I +sent him out in the garden to plant some +pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist +seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss +sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters +right alongside of each other, and the +unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they +couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun +down home onct in a while. I calculate +I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you +ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens +and they lay an egg every day; but they +don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes +every one of them is roosters. I had one +old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot +down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had +another one sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to +hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. +While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a +rooster, and he sed, "We're having a little +party down behind the barn; will you dance +with me this set?" and she sed, "No, sir, +I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." Gosh, +I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one +while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I +heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that +old gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer." + +Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to +be a-goin'; good-bye; cum down and see +me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; +cum down about apple-butter time and jist +butt in--good bye. + + + +Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death + + YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, + And he came from no one knowed whar; + Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, + And wuz reckoned on the squar'. + Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks + May have made him stern and grim; + But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide + But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. + + He wa'n't one of the regular sort + What you'd meet thar any day, + But as near as the camp could figure it out, + In a show down he'd likely stay. + A shambling, awkward figure, + Rawboned, tall and slim, + And his schaps and togs in general + Jist looked like they'd fell on him. + + I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, + Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; + Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts + As I couldn't quite understand. + But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, + Wuz with him on my very first trick; + And from that time on I stuck to him + Like a kitten to a good warm brick. + + Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, + It wuz down by the redwood way, + With Chaparel across the spur, + 'Bout fifty miles away. + Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, + Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; + And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, + Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. + + The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me + Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; + And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, + I don't think he's cum fer to stay; + His eyes are too shifty and yeller, + And his face is sullen and hard; + And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; + Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." + + One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, + And the frost it wuz on every nail, + With jist the mail sack and specie box, + The greaser and I hit the trail. + We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, + And while the broncos were changed that day + I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat + With the greaser from down Monterey. + + Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, + That creeps down the mountain side, + Leavin' behind it a ghastly track + Whar those who have met it died? + Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', + No man wants to see it twice; + White and grim as a funeral shroud, + A mass of mist and ice. + + Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay + When my hair it commenced to rise, + For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur + A cloud of most monstrous size. + And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, + And the broncos commenced to neigh; + Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then + I won't forgit till my dyin' day. + + In less time than it takes to tell it, + We were into the Great White Death, + With its millions of frozen snowflakes + A-takin' away our breath. + And jist then somethin' happened, pard, + The greaser from down Monterey + Tried to sneak off with the specie box, + Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. + + All at once a figure on hossback + Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, + And bullets from out of a Winchester + Commenced to fly like hail. + The greaser and them two passengers + Cashed in their chips to him, + Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' + Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. + + Wall, we planted them thar together, + When the cloud had passed away; + And all they've got fer a tombstone + Is the mountains, dull and gray. + So, pard, let's take one together, + And I'll drink a toast to him, + Fer though he wuz rough and ready, + He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. + + +The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, +occurs in the higher altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra +Nevada Mountains. It is almost indescribable. It might +properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the effect of +bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which +few rarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent +sight, each and every particle of the frozen moisture +being a miniature prism, which reflects the sun's rays in +a manner once seen never to be forgotten.--By CAL. +STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells- +Fargo Express Company. + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston + +FER a long time I had my mind made up to go +down to Boston, so a short time ago, as I had +all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed +it would be a good time to go down thar, and +I sed to mother, "I'll start early in +the mornin' and take a load of produce with +me, and that will sort of pay expenses of the +trip." + +Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' +bright and early, 'bout time they had their +breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; +then finally I picked out a right likely lookin' +store, and jist conclooded I'd sell my load +of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met +a feller 'nd I sed, "Good mornin', be you +the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, +I'm only one of the clerks." So I sed, +"Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And +he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see +him?" And I told him as how I would, and +he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' +"FRONT," and a boy cum up what had +more brass buttins on him than a whole +regiment of soljers. I thought that wuz a +durned funny name fer a boy--front--and +that clerk feller he wuz about the most +importent thing I'd seen in Boston so far, less +maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument +that I druv past cummin' to town. He had +on a biled collar that sort of put me in mind +of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair +grounds down hum. I'll bet if he'd ever +sneeze it would cut his ears off. + +Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, +"Show the gentleman to the proprietor's +offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, +and presently we cum to a place in one corner +of that store; it wuz made out of iron +and had bars in front of the winders, and +looked like the county jale. The front boy +p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I +sed, "I gessed I wouldn't go in thar, cos I +hadn't done anything to be locked up fer." +And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' +durned if I could see what he wuz a-laffin' +about, and the storekeeper he opened the +door and cum out, and he sed, "Good mornin', +what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be +you the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. +So I sed, "Do you want to buy any pertaters?" +And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy +pertaters here; this a dry goods store." So +I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do +ye?" And he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry +goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I +want to know; do you need any onions?" +And by chowder, he got madder 'n a wet +hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want +you to understand onct fer all, this is a dry +goods store, and we don't buy anything but +dry goods and don't sell anything but dry +goods; do you understand me now? DRY +GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand +you; you don't need to git so tarnaly +riled about the matter; neer as I can figure +it out you jist buy dry goods and sell 'em." +And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods." +So I sed, "Do you want to buy some mighty +good dried apples?" + +Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a +lot of wimmin clerks giggled right out, and +the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', +too, and fer about a minnit I thought they'd +all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a feller +to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I +disposed of it at a good bargain. + +I like them Boston folks, they try to +make you feel to hum, and enjoy yourself +and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of +soshability, too; I wuz goin' up one street +and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at +ten cents a soshable. + +Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth +seein' in Boston, and I wuz a-standin' along- +side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at +the semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in +thar burried nigh unto three hundred years. +And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if +they could wake up and see Boston now, +when I noticed a row of little toomstones, +and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved +wife of James Brown," and on another +it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of +James Brown," and on another it sed, +"Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown." Wall, I couldn't jist make out +what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, +"Jimmy, you had a right lively time while +you wuz in Boston, didn't you?" Then I +seen another toomstone and on it it sed, +"Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown," and another one what sed, + +"Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown," and over in a little corner, all to +itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, +"James Brown, At Rest." + + + +Who Marched in Sixty-One + +CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. + + I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, + To see the boys in line, + Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, + I tell you they looked fine. + And as they marched past whar I stood, + To the rattle of the drum, + It made me think of those other boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, + Jist as it did one day + When you stood thar to say good-bye, + And watch me march away. + So I stood thar and watched them + Till the parade wuz nearly done, + But thar wasn't many thar to-day + Who marched in sixty-one. + + And thar wuz my old Captain + And the Colonel side by side, + And as they both saluted me + I jist sot down and cried. + And I thought about some other boys + Whose work has long bin done; + Soon thar won't be any left at all + Who marched in sixty one. + + I heered the band play Dixie, + And my old heart swelled with pride, + A-thinkin' of the boys in gray + Who marched on the other side. + And when my time it comes, mother, + The Lord's will it be done, + I hope he'll take me to the boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories + diff --git a/old/ncjsh10.zip b/old/ncjsh10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..439bc7d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ncjsh10.zip |