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@@ -0,0 +1,2934 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories + +Author: Cal Stewart + +Posting Date: July 31, 2008 [EBook #970] +Release Date: July, 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES + +By Cal Stewart + + + + +Preface + +To the Reader. + +The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an +occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get +the laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his. + +In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet one +true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity. +Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there +is a bright side to everything. + +Sincerely Yours + +Cal Stewart + + +Contents PREFACE + +LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR + +MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC + +ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM + +UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT + +UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM + +UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS + +UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE + +UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR + +MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS + +UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT + +UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND + +UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA + +UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S + +IT IS FALL + +SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF + +JIM LAWSON'S HOGS + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT + +A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB + +JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE + +A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS + +THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING + +THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL + +THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD + +UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE + +A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH + +A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS + +UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM + +YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH + +UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON + +WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE + + + + +Life Sketch of Author + +THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we +had to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their +fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not +have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured +a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or +rather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on an +Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs +of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. +K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first +appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, +and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross +ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made +love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the +machine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, +fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check +clerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shot +gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, +minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have been +with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows +where we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety houses +and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swell +hotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as many +yarns as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh +stories for the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next! + + + + +My Old Yaller Almanac + + Hangin' on the + Kitchen Wall + + I'M sort of fond of readin' one + thing and another, + + So I've read promiscus like + whatever cum my way, + + And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween + me and mother, + + 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round + a rainy day. + + Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt + no end of books, + + Some made fer useful readin' and some jist + made fer looks; + + But of all the different books I've read, + thar's none comes up at all + + To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. + + I've always liked amusement, of the good + and wholesome kind, + + It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the + mind; + + So, often of an evening, when the farm + chores all were done, + + I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh + how I liked the fun; + + And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they + showed at our Town Hall, + + A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. + + Wall I went down to see 'em, but their + jokes, I knowed 'em all, + + Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and + a lot of us old codgers, + + Used to meet down at the grocery store, + what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. + + There we'd set and argufy most every market + day, + + Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass + the time away; + + And many a knotty problem has put us on + our mettle, + + Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve + and settle; + + Then after they had said their say, who + thought they knowed it all, + + I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got + + From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on + the Kitchen Wall. + + + It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old + fashioned yeller book, + + And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've + took; + + Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through + its pages, + + Seein' of the different things that's happened + in all ages. + + One time I wuz elected a Justice of the + Peace, + + To make out legal documents, a mortgage + or a lease, + + Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I + knowed them all, + + Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, + Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + So now I've bin to New York, and all your + sights I've seen, + + I s'pose that to you city folks I must look + most awful green, + + Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I + walked round the town, + + Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't + Mr. Hiram Brown. + + + I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung + onto the straps, + + When we flew around the corners, sat on + other peoples' laps, + + Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, + + Read about your city in My Old Yaller + Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + +WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New +York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and +produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down +here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore +I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz +here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good +many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them +thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin' +along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I +alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in +my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall +that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit +he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' +from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them +sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a +feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to +see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a +runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, +but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. +Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker +'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles +commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes +on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side +afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along +side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar +button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right +boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so +durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', +and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot +down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and +stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a +heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and +told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in +to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by that +button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought +it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, +wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my +jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in +soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want +anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he +wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes +on and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash +in, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a +little hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful +and then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty well +fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and felt +purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till it +stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped +twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to +look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old +ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two +tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing +about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor +on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on +his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced +to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New +York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges +and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they all +commenced to holler--handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durned +good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried +to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I +wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of +'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I +never heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, +he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to +charge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I +guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause +I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we +wuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, +and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed +n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the +hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I +c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a +great time with that feller, but I got here at last. + + + + +Uncle Josh in Society + +WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a +goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess +that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down +here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry +and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't +seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in +the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street +called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took +my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal +bigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know +whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I +went up and rang some new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee +britches on cum out and wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh +I couldn't say anything fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked to +me like a picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally I told him I +wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry I used to know +down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered me +talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed, +"why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he took me into +the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seen +before in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind +of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. +Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak +about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty +near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know +you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, +she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin remember +on. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on my +store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about as +scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they called +it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped +out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut +up more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the +ladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the +german, but I told her I only danced in English. + +Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't +any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool +with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl +with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations +at me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in +Henry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of +furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another +what they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of +cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', +though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed +me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of +casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it +slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz +froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry + +I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin' +critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around +purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities +in cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen +a critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a +feller, now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done; +when I left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do +me, but I've stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if I +don't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in the +river. + +Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place +round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, +and there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or +jump up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz +a lot of figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it +jist looked to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over +that winder. + +Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce +gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked +fer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz +sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose this +durned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might +as well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' +fer me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me +like cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fang +kai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it +and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv +me a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and +I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin' +mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into +the ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to +a gentleman what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to +him--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir +that's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar +to have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have a +chance to draw a prize of some kind." So I sed--wall now I want to know, +how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents," +and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, I +didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that +saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and +in a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailed +heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So +I sed--now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my +collars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if +I don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter +he commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, +and all I could make out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong +wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a +tryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in +less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, +and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you couldn't hav told which one +of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out the +winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got out of +thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five yards of that +pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar yellin'--ung +wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I had +quite a time with that heathen critter. + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Museum + +WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street +when I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got +to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten +cents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I +don't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the +laffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar +gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a +pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went +right up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits +picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body +commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin' +at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. +I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to +Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller +what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of +needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy +feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody +over to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them, +and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted +on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at +him when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody," +and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got +sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I +wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way-- + + Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, + And I cum within one of not bein' here, + The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, + It happened some time 'bout last December. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo la ri do. + + The load was composed of both girls and boys, + All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. + And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather + Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo ri li do. + + +Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and +jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought +one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker. +Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed +a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say +"Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him +one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and +left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar +wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz +skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up +agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time +he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say +Uncle Josh." + + + + +Uncle Josh in Wall Street + +I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot +about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, +so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, +that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got +a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they +call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and +down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange +or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a +cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock +to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the +menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've +got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he +thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with +me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along with +him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could make +out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two +akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest +men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I +knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar +alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of +papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the +rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of +'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the +table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we +are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I +knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would +ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants +pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt +mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front +steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of +the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what +time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about +twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed +"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess +I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many +cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is +thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, +that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about +ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't +right. + + + + +Uncle Josh and the Fire Department + +ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got +it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in +New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with +the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and +Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he +told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little +box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he +says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it +will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that +handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' +the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put +my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot +of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or +somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked +on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't +git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, +and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the +knob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New +York commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar +the fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum +a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on +wheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of +them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra +Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed +"what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ +a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned +old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New York +City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. I +sed--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt +ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on +thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away, +and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it +or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if +I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and +looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he +opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered +a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down +home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by +the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot +on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think +of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and +one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd +caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and +by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found +out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City. + +I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. + + + + +Uncle Josh in an Auction Room + +I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, +so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' +ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to +remember New York by. + +Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar +they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what +they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned +cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years +old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, +or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it. + +Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as +though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid +me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I +wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it +fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to +me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git +my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up +to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look here +mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it +thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now +what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; +when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars +in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the +feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller +sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go +you twenty-five." + +Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a +biddin' on it. + + Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so + he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus + +I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New +York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on +hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I +had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had +a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't +have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a +standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all +to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever +seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a +band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced at +the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman +standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you +call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I +sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin +if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about +busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Thar +wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise in +her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took out +a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a +dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and +shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the +front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the +valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and +put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the +purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had +to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't +help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a +five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a +spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end +of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I +did, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I +want to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up +my mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about +a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest +injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's +jist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do +you want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole +durned outfit. + + + Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and + another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy + + + + +Uncle Josh in a Department Store + +ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find +one of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what +thar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't +you?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments +at one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some +caliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, and +wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some feller +throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think much +of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't +think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. +Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in the +air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the stars +what stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit. +Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross the +street and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my mother +didn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that little +rascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it. + +I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told a +feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she +sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to +do only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I +sed, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round +'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got +hay seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, +and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? +Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart +like, "jist step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought +what I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, +it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I +handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a +little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced +runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots I +lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I +knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain +counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist +then some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'm +after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to +it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I +never felt more foolish in all my life. + + + Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man + who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, + though his neighbors may have a different opinion. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York + +I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some +of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny +as anything I ever seen in my life. + +I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick +Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or +bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' +on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed +one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz +another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them, +and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you +want to put your trust in the Lord. + +Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and +finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and +yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, +cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist +tickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of +them critters in my throat fer ten dollars. + +Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what +sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots +blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine +blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric +lights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I +happened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt +the same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very +eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz +a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had +a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would +turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your +mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all. + +A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the +door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen +another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they +thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, +or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot +of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any +durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one +feel his head and find out what ails him. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Street Car + +NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New +York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke +house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars +what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz +a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after +street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on +it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day +to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and +when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. + +Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, +and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one +of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a +strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' +to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I +moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he +got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" +I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to +step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, +"old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard +again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel +to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty +much all the time I wuz in thar. + +Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so +much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim +lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't +look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents +and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady +and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady +sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker +right out loud. + +Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three +ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to +sot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git up +and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up +and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' +right out. + +Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little +baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be +sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, +and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like +and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could +have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I +didn't know the little thing was rubber. + +Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, +and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got +a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it +sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I +jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and +the company wuz out. + +Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he +wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked +and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, +hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you +one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I +seen him a comin'. + + + + +My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots + + + THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, + + That over my memory scoots, + + When I think of my boyhood days once again + + And my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, + + And bravely marched out on the floor, + + And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit + + And the best to be had at the store." + + That night, I remember, I took them to bed, + + With the rest of us little galoots, + + And among other things in my prars which I sed + + Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. + + And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand + + Wuz me and my new acquisition, + + And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, + + From the garret clar down to the kitchen. + + Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, + + I concluded I'd help do the chores; + + Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust + + If I didn't git right out of doors. + + But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, + + And I couldn't get one way or tother, + + And I jist had to stand right there in one spot + + And holler like thunder fer mother. + + But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise + + Fer I larned right thar on the spot, + + That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world + + Is that by experience taught. + + So though many years have since passed away, + + And I've ventured on various routes, + + I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today + + As my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + + + +Uncle Josh in Police Court + +I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as +New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had +a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along +side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the +Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits +and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece +down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they +handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to +one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of +people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of +nationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, +Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and +worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten +days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; +bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, +some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right +out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: +"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, +your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: +"Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller +sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, +you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life." +And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw +a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The +Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner." + +Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment +in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: +"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, +yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name +is-is-is----." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what +is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, +the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water." +Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. + +It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson +wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si +Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd +sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part +with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin +with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and +generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum +hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum +over to git my cow." And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've +got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, +Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, +and she's et her head off two or three times since then." So Si sed: +"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be +durned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give any +milk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I've +pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, +Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I've +got her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law, +I'm goin' to keep her." + +So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heer +the trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he +sed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, +to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the +defendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot +forth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth +more 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of +this cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the +cow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn." + + + + +Uncle Josh at Coney Island + +I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they +call Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my +mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers +what goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. +Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and she +seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed to +me "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of the +bridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump you +ever got in your life. + +Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars +what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he +put it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when +I wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He +sed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez +"you better go out and look at it." + +Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This car +goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if I +got any. + +Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub +I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing +I seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It looked +like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother +end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all +git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I +alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along +with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never +see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us +loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left +us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' +alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, +you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on and +hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and +that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one +hand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab +into that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the +water, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "save +me, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jist +started to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, and +under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and that +female woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a watery +grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn't +hav swallered so much of the pond. + +Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, and +another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot +of shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot +down, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin' +thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of +gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it, +but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about it +the more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in the +corn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned +if I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got that +dance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speak +to me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame +and a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a good +many questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't +find Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days. + + + + +Uncle Josh at the Opera + +WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to +New York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never +had many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop +cum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the +Opery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz +full of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place +to put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cum +along that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good many +of their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one +of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks +Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to +Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the +gun and shot the dog. + +Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin' +at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights +shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers +cum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and +tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot +of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of +my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of +the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, +though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could +see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't +be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of +paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at +that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place +'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I +wouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and went +out. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what +happened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teacher +got all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essays +and the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piece +that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' like +this: + + How nice to hear the bumble-bee + When you go out a fishin', + But if you happen to sot down on him, + He'll spoil your disposition. + + +I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the school +teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed +them up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to +represent the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the +moon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it +looked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til +old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out +and got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the +moon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's. + + + + +Uncle Josh at Delmonico's + +I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here +in New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer +boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've +carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and +when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar +he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; +so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart +purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I git +down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. + +Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the +inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you +could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps +on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a +settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much +of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all +to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I +couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' +a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a +society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum +up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, +somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of +them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum +up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de +hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him +he could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme +of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of +cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so +durn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker +right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sour +mon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called +in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-five +cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with a +bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let +folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders. + + + + +It is Fall + + THE days are gettin' shorter, and + the summer birds are leaving, + + The wind sighs in the tree tops, + as though all nature was grieving; + + The leaves they drop in showers, there's a + blue haze over all, + + And a feller is reminded that once again it's + Fall. + + + It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered + in, + + The wheat is in the granary and the oats are + in the bin; + + A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony + with all, + + The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know + it's Fall. + + + I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the + water mill, + + While dressed in gorgeous colors is each + valley, knoll and hill; + + The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly + wander home, + + And the hives are just a-bustin' with the + honey in the comb. + + + Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple + paring bee, + + And the signs of peace and plenty are just + splendid for to see; + + The flowers they are drooping, soon there + won't be none at all, + + Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that + I know it's Fall. + + + The muskrat has built himself a house down + by the old mill pond, + + The squirrels are laying up their store from + the chestnut trees beyond; + + While walking through the orchard I can + hear the ripe fruit fall; + + There's an air of quiet comfort that only + comes with Fall. + + + The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes + you feel first-rate, + + And there's work to keep you going from + early until late; + + So you feel like giving praises unto Him + who doeth all, + + Nature heaps her blessings on you at this + season, and it's Fall. + + + The nights are getting frosty and the fire + feels pretty good, + + I like to see the flames creep up among the + burning wood; + + Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot + owl call, + + He is looking for his supper, I guess he + knows its Fall. + + + And though the year is getting old and the + trees will soon be bare, + + There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and + some to spare; + + For there's still some poor and needy who + for our help do call, + + So we'll share with them our blessings and + be thankful that it's Fall. + + + + +Si Pettingill's Brooms + +WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' +round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove +Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, +and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin +Centre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank on +a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag of +feathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin' +to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezra +got most uncommonly busy--he had more business than a town marshal on +circus day. + +Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, and +Ruben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker +fer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si +remarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most +uncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, +Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under +water, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the +milk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young +'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' on +at the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, and +things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual." + +Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; +I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated I might as well have it +done while thar wuz plenty of water." + +"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sell +ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on and +I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Si +sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners, +can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra, +I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know +'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I +always gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s--, and +that's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, +did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer +'em." Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and +then he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the +other half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, +Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end +of the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and +I've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall, +after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen +on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em +on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." So +Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?" +Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't see +anything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the +same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?" + +Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his +thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that +baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say. + + + Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if + we wuz in the other feller's place. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh Plays Golf + +WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav +you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the +woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your +uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I +had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in +Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, +and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had +an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with +him 'bout Thanksgiving time. + +Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into +what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun +war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot +of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then +they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and +they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one +of them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, +I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I +jist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and +the boys all commenced to holler "foozle." + +Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit +it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot +down so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in +the air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin +and on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist +a-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun +to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little +ball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit +on my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away at +that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over +into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got +skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and the +durned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra +Hoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg of +soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into +a box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a +cracker barrel, and broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she went +right out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz +a standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin' +wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me, +and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors all +say as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and Aunt +Nancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find it +for three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin' +marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmed +it up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has to +sort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton works +out at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancy +that durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and all +I know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durned +far you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game. + + + + +Jim Lawson's Hogs + +WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in +Punkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim +had a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git +'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, +and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin' +them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, but +it wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. All +the neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, and +give him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody +could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra +Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, +and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out +what's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, +Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty +soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on +them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git +so much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they +can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of +sleep." + +Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer +markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he +started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez +Whitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed: +"Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's +what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs +up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs +up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of +hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the +paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' +thar." So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and +sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist +head the hogs off and turn them round." Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout +three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' +thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder and +fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near as he could +figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to +Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly +what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likely +sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. +Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos what +hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord. +Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim +sed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', +and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so +turn round." Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs +couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so +Jim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz +jist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no +way of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum. + +Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's +store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogs +this year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin' +to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I +had the society of the hogs fer two weeks." + + + + +Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent + +WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in +Punkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and +calculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if +you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to +New York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to +build a new town hall." + +Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, when +along cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right +up and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal +or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear +sir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and +I find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. +Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face of +Providence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time and +demolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you are +criminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that a +man of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to----" +Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and I +sed, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall, +he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a little +masheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what a +powerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he +turned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over +the porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell +in a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' +me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning +rod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and +I went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz a +sight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz +seven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corn +crib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen, +six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got thar +that durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put a +lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thanked +the Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paper +what sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to the +company. + +Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think the +lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old +muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought +I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller +with that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six +hundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it! + +Buncode agin, by chowder! + + + Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I + notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually + rides in front.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Meeting of the Annanias Club + +WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to Ezra +Hoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and +whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra +happened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns +that would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of business +if they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'round +spinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mighty +peculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell +of hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n +a whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuz +thar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' in +front of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out and +hollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' +and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off onto another one and +gittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it started +from and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hit +that feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours. +Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sed +anything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "he +didn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen some +mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hard +as anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did you +ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way it +got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed together +comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned into +steam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin' +out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, +it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out of +both ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall, +we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra +Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite so +hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one time +when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' +up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it got +so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn out +behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' and +flyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laid +down and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commenced +to show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and +Jim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from his +wooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter +when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I +remember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the +fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water froze +so durned quick that the ice wuz hot." + +Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time." + + + + +Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade + +SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about the +best hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence, +chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen your +eye-teeth, if you'd listen to him. + +Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had fer +anything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. + +Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and about +that time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in him +to the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus +mule that Ezra Hoskins owned. + +Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we all +calculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim went +to ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on the +sides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of +that hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went +over in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the +Deacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz +purty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to do +his huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinder +hinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, cos +he'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, +and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally he +sed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." Wall, +you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck out +like bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of sech +a thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" Jim +sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. I +calculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart of +hunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him over, +Jim, I'd like to see him." + +Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of held +its breath to see how it would cum out. + +Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' along +through the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyes +peeled and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' +in a brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and he +squatted right down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of your +hoss, Jim, look what he be a doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you +see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin' +of him." Deacon sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable thing I ever +seen in my life; how'd you like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, +I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a hand +at huntin', and seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you, +Deacon, fifty dollars to boot." + +Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you, +Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had to +ford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hoss +wuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep +them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and he +squatted right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim, +what's the matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now be +he?" Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell you +he's trained to set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's +had a thorough eddication." + + + Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me + like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Meeting of the School Directors + +WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. You +see it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of an +affair, and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it, +'cause you might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained as +to be a settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the +fall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin' +an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of the school +directors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-house +without stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; thar +wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, +old Jim Lawson and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on the +matter, Si Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sang +the durndest old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life; +went somethin' like this: + + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + oohoo--oohoo. + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + With a sword and a pistol by his side, + oohoo--oohoo. + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + oohoo--oohoo, + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + And there he knelt upon the floor, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? + oohoo--oohoo. + + +Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin' +about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson he +sed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and he +sed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me or +durned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You take +your feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, and +conduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman of +this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he got +right smart riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durned +old gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of this +body, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of the +government, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out of +the bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendment +to the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouse +until the new one is built." + +Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jim +sed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you in +about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it, +them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he +grabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz +stuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg +through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've +both gone to law about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a writ +of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the Deacon says he's goin' to +prosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read out of the church. + +Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. + + + Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be generally better + off if they didn't git it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre + +WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on that +street what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar +noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuz +jist flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar +wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slege +hammers in their hands, and every onct in a while they would go to +poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it; +they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round +the edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites +in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If +anyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world +durned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before +wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar +a-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end +and cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded up +ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we never +had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The Punkin +Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim +he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of +mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over +Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for the +noospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty +good place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went along +pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and give +Jim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, and +we all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; +and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got two +advertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz +the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, +Jim he got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time, +and when the paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. +Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant would +leave the depo every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and mutton +stews, and would change cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkin +pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nuts +like mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on Sundays cos the +stashun agint what done the cookin' would have to run en extra on that +day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion." + +I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. + + + Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, + sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and + sometimes the result of hard cider.--Punkin Centre + Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting + +WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer +several days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations +fer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to have +lemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it +jist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the +camp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a +dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the +crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a +pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock +tree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preached +at that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You +see we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies +and trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved +brethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. +If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all +monopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, +and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve got +squeezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corner +on the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk +business, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea, +verrily." Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass. + +Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; it +went something like this: + + "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', + And neither in the heat of the day; + But cum along in the evenin', Lord, + And wash my sins away. + + Chorus-- + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + To see my ship cum in." + + +Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a holler +log. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot +down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and +she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs +got to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he +stumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell +down, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz +Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. + + + + +The Unveiling of the Organ + + IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, + I believe in eighty-nine, + We had some doin's at the meetin' house, + That we thought wuz purty fine; + + It wuz a great occasion, + The choir, led by Sister Morgan, + Had called us thar to witness + The unveilin' of the organ. + + In order fer to git it + We'd bin savin' here and there, + Lookin' forward to the time + When we'd have music fer to spare, + And as the time it had arrived, + And the organ had cum, too, + We had all of us assembled thar + To hear what the thing could do. + + Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, + In a handsome walnut case, + And thar wuz expectation + Pictured out on every face; + Then when Deacon Witherspoon + Had led us all in prayer, + The congregation all stood up + And Old Hundred rent the air. + + Jist then the doin's took a turn, + Though I'm ashamed to say it, + We found that old Jim Lawson + Wuz the only one could play it; + But Jim, the poor old feller, + Had one besettin' sin, + A fondness fer hard cider + Which he'd bin indulgin' in. + + But he sot down at that organ, + Planked his feet upon the pedals, + And he showed us he could play it + Though he hadn't any medals; + He dwelt upon the treble + And he flirted with the base, + He almost made that organ + Jump right out of its case. + + Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head + And in his fingers, too, + So he played some dancin' music + And old Yankee Doodle Doo; + He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon + And scared poor Sister Morgan, + And jist busted up the meetin' + At the unveilin' of the organ. + + + + +Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball + +I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New +York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of +it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. +Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I +got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that +many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game +I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty +others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying +to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose +when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if +that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any +foot ball in his'n. + +I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, +and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along +in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and +sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us +play a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old +fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be +durned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready +to play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and a +buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get a +drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty +or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I +happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw +in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; +I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought +to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't +git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; +but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz +the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, +but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how +the game stood. + +They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything +that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, +durned if I don't want to see it. + + + + +The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + +WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; +oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about +the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs +across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three +times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the +ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz +a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a +seven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned +old ingine would stop. + +Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had +an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the +right of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through +his medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer +quite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, +one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly +busy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' +down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the +railroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it +goin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar +it's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have +a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up +my medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do +some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist +the way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist +thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I +should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr. +Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your +barn." + +Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar +would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of +Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections +to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, +afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've +got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' +along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run +down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky +old trains wants to go through." + + + Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed since + Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the + end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or + ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. + Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and + will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show + herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, + an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh on a Bicycle + +A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home +from college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum +with him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin +Centre has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin +a-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride +one of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if he +could git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more hay +with it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz +tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle. + +Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' would +do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very +favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I +would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when +I commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the +middle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I +got off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it +over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and +it jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the +middle, and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse +'n a couple of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed to +hang on fer a spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all over +that bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it; +I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the same +time. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot through +the spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge +fence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done more +different kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen in +my life, and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than +any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the +clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, I lost my self-respect, +my last suspender button and my standin' in the community. I broke the +handle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten commandments, I +broke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive language, +and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a knot-hole +in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; +once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles that +want to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sit +down and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knows +it, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do. + + + Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of + gittin' it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church + +A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners +Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the +preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and +answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You +see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class, +and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the +Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, +then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, +"Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't +Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another +little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up; +he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague." +The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war +doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first +commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh, +I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good +laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the +second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. +You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it +lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and +he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What +do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, +kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn +books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell +'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the +minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell +the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin' +house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear him +clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but he +woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through with +his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babies +here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bring +them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up +about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his +hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got +any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece." + + + Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of + doing right.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Reminiscence of My Railroad Days + +Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, +Pittsburg, Pa. + + WALL, John, I read your poetry, + And laughed till I nearly cried, + Seein' how you became an engineer, + And got on the right hand side. + It made me think of the days gone by, + When I wuz one of you fellers, too, + What used to run an old machine, + And go tootin' the country through. + But the engine that I had then, John, + Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" + She wuz old and worn and loggy, + And jist chuck full of pranks; + And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, + Full of bolts and valves and knobs, + And the boiler wouldn't hold water; + Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. + + But I wuz younger then, John, + And I didn't care a cuss; + So I'd pull the throttle open + And jist let her wheeze and fuss. + The road that I wuz a-runnin' on + Wuz out in the woolly west; + Two streaks of rust and the right of way + Wuz puttin' it at its best. + So we sort of plugged along, John. + And didn't put on any frills, + Never thought of doin' anything + But doublin' all the hills. + I tell you those were rocky times, + And we hadn't no air brake; + And fifteen miles an hour, John, + Wuz durn good time to make. + + And thar wuz as good a lot of boys + As you could meet with anywhere; + Rough and ready open up, + And always on the square. + And I'd like to see them all again, + And grasp each honest hand; + But some of them, like me, have quit, + Some have gone to another land. + I have changed somewhat since then, John, + Jist a little more steady grown; + But I often think of my railroad days + As the happiest ones I've known. + And, John, I often watch the train. + As they go whizzing by; + As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, + Thar's a tear comes in my eye. + + Perhaps you'd like to know, John, + Just why I quit the rail, + And as some feller one time sed, + "Thereby hangs a tale." + I wuz goin' along one night, John, + At a purty lively rate, + The old machine a-doin' her best, + And me forty minutes late, + When all at once there came a crash, + I felt the old track yield, + And fireman, machine and I + Went into a farmer's field. + There's little more to say, John, + They laid me up for repairs, + But my fireman, poor fellow, + Hadn't time to say his prayers. + + So now you have my story, John; + Still, you don't know how it feels + To know you've got to plug around + On a couple of flat wheels. + But it doesn't bother me, John, + Gosh, not fer a minnit; + I'm as happy as the day is long, + And feel jist strictly in it. + But sometimes I like to meet the boys, + And talk them days all over, + And I feel as gay and chipper + As a calf in a field of clover + But the happiest days I've known, John, + The ones that to me see best, + Wuz when I run an old machine + Way out in the woolly west. + + + Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + + +Uncle Josh at a Circus + +WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum to +Punkin Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it. +They cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, +and animals pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim +cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, +and no one aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he +alowed he'd take the children and let them see the lions and tigers and +things. Si Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders on +himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards that the Deacon had a +front seat whar he could see and hear purty well. + +Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the cirkus," +and Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our store clothes, +our new boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down to the +cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capers +than Ezra did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked around +the elefant three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that's +a durned handy critter--he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one and +keepin' the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! Wall, we went on a +little ways further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar's +Steve Jenkins over thar in one of them cages." I sed, "Cum along you +silly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guess +I'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near +raised Steve." Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at +all, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands +with him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of +pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back. + +Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I +guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that +silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and +sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to +had histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and +that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin +in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right +out. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master +sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben +Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. +So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased +him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round +t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then +a gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed +she wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough on +her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of +'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly +old clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooiside +different than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring master +sed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old +clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off." +Then he sang an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went +something like this: + + From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, + From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, + From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown + to Widdletown, + Take it all together and its fifteen miles. + + +He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a +rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. +So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" +He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give +you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus +sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of +my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what +it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two +dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in +Punkin Centre. + + + + +Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + +I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks +would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty +good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be +goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford +to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since +I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as +you have. + +I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time +this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar +on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. +Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; +yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel. + +I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was +cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and +what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he +fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in +the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist +seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them +unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got +into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of +fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of +chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an +egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every +one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed +and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin' +on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. +While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, "We're +having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this +set?" and she sed, "No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." +Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one day +when I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that old +gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer." + +Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye; cum +down and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; cum down about +apple-butter time and jist butt in--good bye. + + + + +Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death + + YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, + And he came from no one knowed whar; + Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, + And wuz reckoned on the squar'. + Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks + May have made him stern and grim; + But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide + But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. + + He wa'n't one of the regular sort + What you'd meet thar any day, + But as near as the camp could figure it out, + In a show down he'd likely stay. + A shambling, awkward figure, + Rawboned, tall and slim, + And his schaps and togs in general + Jist looked like they'd fell on him. + + I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, + Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; + Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts + As I couldn't quite understand. + But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, + Wuz with him on my very first trick; + And from that time on I stuck to him + Like a kitten to a good warm brick. + + Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, + It wuz down by the redwood way, + With Chaparel across the spur, + 'Bout fifty miles away. + Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, + Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; + And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, + Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. + + The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me + Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; + And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, + I don't think he's cum fer to stay; + His eyes are too shifty and yeller, + And his face is sullen and hard; + And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; + Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." + + One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, + And the frost it wuz on every nail, + With jist the mail sack and specie box, + The greaser and I hit the trail. + We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, + And while the broncos were changed that day + I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat + With the greaser from down Monterey. + + Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, + That creeps down the mountain side, + Leavin' behind it a ghastly track + Whar those who have met it died? + Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', + No man wants to see it twice; + White and grim as a funeral shroud, + A mass of mist and ice. + + Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay + When my hair it commenced to rise, + For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur + A cloud of most monstrous size. + And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, + And the broncos commenced to neigh; + Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then + I won't forgit till my dyin' day. + + In less time than it takes to tell it, + We were into the Great White Death, + With its millions of frozen snowflakes + A-takin' away our breath. + And jist then somethin' happened, pard, + The greaser from down Monterey + Tried to sneak off with the specie box, + Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. + + All at once a figure on hossback + Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, + And bullets from out of a Winchester + Commenced to fly like hail. + The greaser and them two passengers + Cashed in their chips to him, + Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' + Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. + + Wall, we planted them thar together, + When the cloud had passed away; + And all they've got fer a tombstone + Is the mountains, dull and gray. + So, pard, let's take one together, + And I'll drink a toast to him, + Fer though he wuz rough and ready, + He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. + + +The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, occurs in the higher +altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains. It is almost +indescribable. It might properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the +effect of bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which few +rarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent sight, each +and every particle of the frozen moisture being a miniature prism, which +reflects the sun's rays in a manner once seen never to be forgotten.--By +CAL. STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells-Fargo Express +Company. + + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston + +FER a long time I had my mind made up to go down to Boston, so a short +time ago, as I had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed it +would be a good time to go down thar, and I sed to mother, "I'll start +early in the mornin' and take a load of produce with me, and that will +sort of pay expenses of the trip." + +Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' bright and early, 'bout time they +had their breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; then finally I +picked out a right likely lookin' store, and jist conclooded I'd sell +my load of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met a feller 'nd I sed, +"Good mornin', be you the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, I'm only +one of the clerks." So I sed, "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And +he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see him?" And I told him as how I +would, and he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' "FRONT," and a +boy cum up what had more brass buttins on him than a whole regiment of +soljers. I thought that wuz a durned funny name fer a boy--front--and +that clerk feller he wuz about the most importent thing I'd seen in +Boston so far, less maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument that I druv +past cummin' to town. He had on a biled collar that sort of put me in +mind of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair grounds down hum. I'll bet +if he'd ever sneeze it would cut his ears off. + +Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, "Show the gentleman to the +proprietor's offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, and presently we +cum to a place in one corner of that store; it wuz made out of iron and +had bars in front of the winders, and looked like the county jale. The +front boy p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I sed, "I gessed I +wouldn't go in thar, cos I hadn't done anything to be locked up fer." +And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' durned if I could see what +he wuz a-laffin' about, and the storekeeper he opened the door and cum +out, and he sed, "Good mornin', what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be you +the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. So I sed, "Do you want to buy any +pertaters?" And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy pertaters here; this a +dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do ye?" And +he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I +want to know; do you need any onions?" And by chowder, he got madder 'n +a wet hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want you to understand onct fer +all, this is a dry goods store, and we don't buy anything but dry goods +and don't sell anything but dry goods; do you understand me now? DRY +GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand you; you don't need to git so +tarnaly riled about the matter; neer as I can figure it out you jist buy +dry goods and sell 'em." And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods." So I +sed, "Do you want to buy some mighty good dried apples?" + +Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a lot of wimmin clerks giggled +right out, and the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', too, and fer +about a minnit I thought they'd all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a +feller to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I disposed of it at +a good bargain. + +I like them Boston folks, they try to make you feel to hum, and enjoy +yourself and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of soshability, too; I +wuz goin' up one street and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at +ten cents a soshable. + +Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth seein' in Boston, and I wuz +a-standin' along-side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at the +semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in thar burried nigh unto three +hundred years. And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if they could +wake up and see Boston now, when I noticed a row of little toomstones, +and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and +on another it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and on +another it sed, "Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James Brown." Wall, +I couldn't jist make out what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, +"Jimmy, you had a right lively time while you wuz in Boston, didn't +you?" Then I seen another toomstone and on it it sed, "Matilda Brown, +beloved wife of James Brown," and another one what sed, + +"Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James Brown," and over in a little +corner, all to itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, "James +Brown, At Rest." + + + + +Who Marched in Sixty-One + +CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. + + I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, + To see the boys in line, + Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, + I tell you they looked fine. + And as they marched past whar I stood, + To the rattle of the drum, + It made me think of those other boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, + Jist as it did one day + When you stood thar to say good-bye, + And watch me march away. + So I stood thar and watched them + Till the parade wuz nearly done, + But thar wasn't many thar to-day + Who marched in sixty-one. + + And thar wuz my old Captain + And the Colonel side by side, + And as they both saluted me + I jist sot down and cried. + And I thought about some other boys + Whose work has long bin done; + Soon thar won't be any left at all + Who marched in sixty one. + + I heered the band play Dixie, + And my old heart swelled with pride, + A-thinkin' of the boys in gray + Who marched on the other side. + And when my time it comes, mother, + The Lord's will it be done, + I hope he'll take me to the boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories, by Cal Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UNCLES JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE *** + +***** This file should be named 970.txt or 970.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/970/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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