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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories by Cal Stewart +Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software + + + + + +Uncles Josh's +Punkin Centre Stories + +By Cal Stewart + + + + +Preface + +To the Reader. + +The one particular object in writing this +book is to furnish you with an occasional +laugh, and the writer with an occasional +dollar. If you get the laugh you have your +equivalent, and the writer has his. + +In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a +purely imaginary character, yet one true to +life. A character chuck full of sunshine and +rural simplicity. Take him as you find him, +and in his experiences you will observe there +is a bright side to everything. + +Sincerely Yours +Cal Stewart + + +Contents +PREFACE + +LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR + +MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC + +ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY + +UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM + +UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT + +UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM + +UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS + +UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE + +UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK + +UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR + +MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS + +UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT + +UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND + +UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA + +UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S + +IT IS FALL + +SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF + +JIM LAWSON'S HOGS + +UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT + +A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB + +JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE + +A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS + +THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING + +THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN + +UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL + +THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD + +UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE + +A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH + +A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS + +UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS + +UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM + +YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH + +UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON + +WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE + + + +Life Sketch of Author + +THE author was born in Virginia, on a little +patch of land, so poor we had to fertilize it +to make brick. Our family, while having cast +their fortunes with the South, was not a family +ruined by the war; we did not have +anything when the war commenced, and +so we held our own. I secured a common +school education, and at the age of +twelve I left home, or rather home left me +--things just petered out. I was slush cook +on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a +stave and heading camp in the knobs of +Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped +lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and +was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made +my first appearance on the stage at the National +Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have +since then chopped cord wood, worked in a +coal mine, made cross ties (and walked +them), worked on a farm, taught a district +school (made love to the big girls), run a +threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine +and ran the engine. Have been a +freight and passenger brakeman, fired and +ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor +and check clerk in a freight house; +worked on the section; have been a shot gun +messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. +Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce +comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; +have been with good shows, bad +shows, medicine shows, and worse, and +some shows where we had landlords singing +in the chorus. Have played variety houses +and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box +car one night, and a swell hotel the next; +have been a traveling salesman (could spin +as many yarns as any of them). For the past +four years have made the Uncle Josh stories +for the talking machine. The Lord only +knows what next! + + + +My Old Yaller Almanac +Hangin' on the +Kitchen Wall + +I'M sort of fond of readin' one +thing and another, + +So I've read promiscus like +whatever cum my way, + +And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween +me and mother, + +'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round +a rainy day. + + Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt +no end of books, + + Some made fer useful readin' and some jist +made fer looks; + + But of all the different books I've read, +thar's none comes up at all + + To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on +the Kitchen Wall. + + I've always liked amusement, of the good +and wholesome kind, + + It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the +mind; + + So, often of an evening, when the farm +chores all were done, + + I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh +how I liked the fun; + + And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they +showed at our Town Hall, + + A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. + + Wall I went down to see 'em, but their +jokes, I knowed 'em all, + + Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, +Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and +a lot of us old codgers, + + Used to meet down at the grocery store, +what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. + + There we'd set and argufy most every market +day, + + Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass +the time away; + + And many a knotty problem has put us on +our mettle, + + Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve +and settle; + + Then after they had said their say, who +thought they knowed it all, + + I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got + + From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on +the Kitchen Wall. + + + It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old +fashioned yeller book, + + And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've +took; + + Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through +its pages, + + Seein' of the different things that's happened +in all ages. + + One time I wuz elected a Justice of the +Peace, + + To make out legal documents, a mortgage +or a lease, + + Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I +knowed them all, + + Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, +Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + +So now I've bin to New York, and all your +sights I've seen, + + I s'pose that to you city folks I must look +most awful green, + + Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I +walked round the town, + + Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't +Mr. Hiram Brown. + + + I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung +onto the straps, + + When we flew around the corners, sat on +other peoples' laps, + + Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, + + Read about your city in My Old Yaller +Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York + +WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up +that I'd cum down to New York, and so a +short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered +in and produce sold I calculated as how +it would be a good time to come down +here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed +or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin +here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled +'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore +they buncoed me. I spose as how there are +a good many of them thar bunco fellers +around New York, but I tell you them thar +street keer conductors take mighty good +care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of +them keers, had my pockit book right in my +hand, I alowed no feller would pick my +pockits and git it long as I had it in my +hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when +the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller +he jest kept his eye on me, and every +little bit he'd put his head in the door and +say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from +what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along +in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, +and along in the night some time I felt a feller +rummagin' around under my bed, and I +looked out jest in time to see him goin' away +with my boots, wall I knowed the way that +train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with +them without breakin' his durned neck, but +in about half an hour he brot them back, +guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort +of glad he took em cause he hed em all +shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall +when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles +commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, +durned if I could git my clothes on, and when +I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on +hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled +up in that little fish net along side of the +bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a +bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill +a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right +boot on my left foot and the left one on the +right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed +up I didn't know which way the train wuz a +runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof +of the bed over me, and then sot down right +suddin like to think it over when some feller +cum along and stepped right squar on my +bunion and I let out a war whoop you could +a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along +cum that durned porter and told me I wuz +a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I +started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause +I sot a right smart store by that button, thar +warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, +and I thought it would be kind of doubtful +if they'd have any like it in New York, wall +I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to +git it out with my jack knife, when along +came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed +in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, +and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, +then he told me to quit ringin' the +bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see +no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on +and went into a room whar they had a row +of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could +pump water in the durned thing it run out +of a little hole in the bottom of the trough +so I jest had to grab a handful and then +pump some more. Wall after that things +went along purty well fer a right smart while, +then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and +felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' +slower and slower 'till it stopped at every +house and when it cum to a double house it +stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat +and I put my head out of the window to look +at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and +I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor +made me buy another one. I hed to +buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled +him, he don't know a durned thing about it +and when he finds it out he's goin to be the +maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a +round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on +his durned old road. When I got off the +ferry boat down here I commenced to think +I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what +ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers +down thar with buggies and kerridges +and one thing and another, and jest the minnit +they seen me they all commenced to holler-- +handsome--handsome. I didn't know +I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller +tried to git my carpet bag and another tried +to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to +stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a +wrestle out of one or two of them, then I +asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to +the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never +heered a feller stutter like that feller did in +all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said +wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, +and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I +sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't +stop to talk about it any more cause I'd +kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out +and when we stopped we wuz away up at the +other end of the town whar thar warn't many +houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the +Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s- +n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out +at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, +b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't +s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. +Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but +I got here at last. + + + +Uncle Josh in Society + +WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here +to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right +into the middle of high toned society, but +I guess that's jist about what I done. You +see I had an old friend a livin' down here +named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to +see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we +wuz boys together down home at Punkin +Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. +Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in +the city almanac, and he showed me whar +Henry lived, away up on a street called +avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's +house it jist about took my breath away, I +wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a +good deal bigger'n the court house at +Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know +whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered +up my courage, and I went up and +rang some new fangled door bell, when a +feller with knee britches on cum out and +wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. +Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a +minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a +picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally +I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, +if it wuz the same Henry I used to know +down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess +Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause +he jist cum out and grabbed me by both +hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how +do you do, cum right in." Wall he took +me into the house and introduced me to +more wimmin folks than I ever seen before +in all my life at one time. I guess they were +havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's +house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear +Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet +you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about +you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to +blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair +on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad +to know you, you kind-er put me in mind of +old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, +she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons +that I kin remember on. Wall Henry +took me off into a room by myself, and when +I got on my store clothes and my new calf +skin boots, I tell you I looked about as +scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had +a dance, I think they called it a cowtillion, +and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I +jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to +partners, swung on the corners, and cut up +more capers than any young feller thar, it +jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance +with me. One lady wanted to know if I +danced the german, but I told her I only +danced in English. + +Wall after that we had something to eat +in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n +got sot down and got to eatin right good, +when that durn fool with the knee britches +on insulted me, he handed me a little wash +bowl with a towel round it, and I told him +he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause +I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it +hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a +wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of +furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef +all over mud, and another what they called +a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made +out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall +that was mighty good eatin', though it took a +lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then +they handed me somethin' what they called +ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of +casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and +tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got +inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I +wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I +guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. + + +Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry + +I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with +the dogondest lookin' critter I calculate I +ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin +around purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts +of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses +and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust +time I'd ever seen a critter with his head +and tail on the same end. You see I +sed to a feller, now whar abouts in New +York do you folks git your washin' done; +when I left hum to come down here I lowed +I had enuff with me to do me, but I've +stayed here a little longer than I calculated +to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty +soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river. + +Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and +he told me thar wuz a place round the corner +whar a feller done all the washin', so I +went round, and there was a sine on the +winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, +or jump up and hop, or some other kind of +a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of +figers on the winder that I couldn't make +head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a +chicken with mud on its feet had walked +over that winder. + +Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my +washin' done, and gosh all spruce gum, thar +was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, +he jist looked fer all the world like a picter +on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz +sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to +myself--I don't spose this durned critter can +talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, +I might as well find out. So I told him I'd +like to git him to do some washin' fer me, +and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish +lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin' +out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong +oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good +washee. Wall I understood the last of it +and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv +him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller +ticket that he painted with a brush what he +had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the +holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could +read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell +into the ink bottle and then crawled over the +paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman +what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and +I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this +here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort +of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your +clothes thar to have them washed you git +one of them tickets, and then you have a +chance to draw a prize of some kind." So +I sed--wall now I want to know, how much +is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I +spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he +wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav +it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any +lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced +scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took +the ticket, and in a couple of days I went +round to git my washin', and that pig tailed +heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd +lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now look +here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round +and git me my collars and ciffs and other +clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I +don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by +chowder. Wall that critter he commenced +hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz +saw could turn, and all I could make out +wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung +yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as +plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle +me outen my clothes, so I made a grab +fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a +rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, +and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and +you couldn't hav told which one of us the +pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove +and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. +Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got +out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one +hand and about five yards of that pig tail in +tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' +thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung +noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. +I had quite a time with that heathen critter. + + + +Uncle Josh in a Museum + +WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' +along down the street when I cum to a theater +or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got +to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar +it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and +I alowed I might as well go in and see +it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar +over five minutes afore I made myself +the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I +noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots +blacked, and thar was a durned little pick +pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't +want to see him git robbed, so I went right +up to him and I sed--look out mister, you +air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that +durned cuss never sed a word and every +body commenced to laff, and I looked round +to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't +no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax +figger. I never felt so durned foolish since +the day I popped the question to Samantha. +Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and +thar wuz a feller what they called the human +pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of +needles and pins and looked like a hedge +hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a +quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and +sed, "everybody over to this end of the +hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of +them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a +feller what had more picters painted on him +than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist +got to lookin' at him when that feller what +had charge sed, "right this way everybody," +and we all went into whar they wuz havin' +the theater doins', and I got sot down and a +feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't +heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I +kin remember it wuz this way-- + + Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, + And I cum within one of not bein' here, + The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, + It happened some time 'bout last December. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo la ri do. + + The load was composed of both girls and boys, + All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. + And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather + Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. + Li too ra loo ri too ra loo + ri too ra loo ri li do. + + +Wall, they had a parrit in that place and +the way he sputtered and jabbered and +talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. +Wall, I bought one of them birds from +a feller one time--he said it wuz a good +talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it +about three months, and it never sed a +durned word. I put in most of my spare +time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but +the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got +mad at him one day and throwed him out in +the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left +him thar. Wall, when I went out the next +mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half +of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of +'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned +parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the +barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', +and every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now +you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say +Uncle Josh." + + + +Uncle Josh in Wall Street + +I USED to read in our town paper down home +at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street +and them bulls and bears, and one thing and +another, so I jist sed to myself--now +Joshua, when you git down to New York +City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, +when I got to New York, I got a feller to +show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned +if I know why they call it Wall street; +it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked +up and down it bout an hour and a half, +and I couldn't find any stock exchange +or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I +couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep +nor a calf, or anything else that looked like +stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman-- +Mister, whar do they keep the menagery +down here. He sed "what menagery?" +I sed the place whar they've got all +them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked +at me as though he thought I wuz crazy, +and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum +along with me, guess I can show you what +you want to see." Wall I went along with +him, and he took me up to some public institushun, +near as I could make out it wuz a +loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a +room about two akers and a half squar, and +thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest +men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The +minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz +all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got +out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' +on the top of a table with a lot of papers in +his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche +injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to +git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em-- +Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that +feller up thar on the table? And he sed, +"Wall he's got five thousand bushels of +wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from +him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I +knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos +nobody but a crazy man would ever think +he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his +coat and pants pockits. Wall when they +wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt +mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a +feller standin' on the front steps; he had a +sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent +of the institushun; he talked purty +sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does +the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust +one went about twenty-five years ago." I +sed to him--is that my car over thar? He +sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car +company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. +He says "you'd better not, thar's bin +a good many cars missed around here +lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is +thar anything round here any fresher than +you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench +you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they +painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I +got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right. + + + +Uncle Josh and the Fire Department + +ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter +home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to +the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts +in New York do you keep the post offis? And +he sed, "what do you want with the post +offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter +home to mother and Samantha Ann, and +I'd like to go to the post offis and mail +it. And he told me "you don't have to +go to the post offis, do you see that little +box on the post thar on the corner?" I +alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You +jist go out thar and put your letter in that +box, and it will go right to the post offis." +I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. +Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal +of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when +I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put +my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks +and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed-- +"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," +or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly +make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook +'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I +couldn't git the durned thing open, then I +turned on the knob two or three times, and +that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the +hook and turned on the knob at the same +time, and jist then I think all the fire bells +in New York commenced to ringin' all to +onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the +fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook +and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to +whar I stood, and they had a big sody water +bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted +sody water all over me. Wall one of them +fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in +picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, +he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he +sed "what are you tryin' to do with that +box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter +home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed +"why you durned old green horn, you've +called out the hull fire department of New +York City." Wall I guess you could have +knocked me down with a feather. I sed-- +wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of +fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will +it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over +on thother corner, now you let this box +alone." Wall they all drove away, and I +went over to the other box, but I didn't +know whether to touch it or not, I didn't +know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater +if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a +standin' thar a feller cum along and looked +all round, and when he thot thar wan't any +body watchin' him, he opened that box and +commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd +heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis +robbers, when I wuz post master down home +at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right +thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and +flopped him right down on the side walk, +and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! +and every other thing I could think of, and +a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a +runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are +you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him +I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' +the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I +arrested him. Wall they all commenced a +laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of +the post masters of New York City. + +I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. + + + +Uncle Josh in an Auction Room + +I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at +one time and another, so the last day I wuz +thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' +ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go +out and buy somethin' to remember New York by. + +Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the +street when I cum to a place whar they wuz +auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped +to see what they had to sell. Wall that place +wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys. +I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz +five hundred years old, and it belonged at +one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, +or some of them old rascals; durned +if I believe anybody could read it. + +Wall I commenced a biddin' on different +things, but it jist looked as though everybody +had more money than I did, and they +sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up +an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I +wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought +as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall +I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz +knocked down to me fer three dollars and +fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to +git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh +it was gone. So I went up to the feller what +wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look +here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with +your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five, +once, twice, three times a goin'", and he +sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" +And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; +when I cum in here I had a pockit book in +my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost +it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say +to the feller what found it that I'll give five +dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it +ten," another sed "give you twenty," and +another sed "go you twenty-five." + +Durned if I know which one of 'em got +it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it. + +---- +Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't +use, so he gives it to you. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus + +I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I +guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on +about everything they've got to ride on thar. +I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and +them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I +had jist about cum to the conclushun that +every street in New York had a different +kind of a street car on it, but I found one +that didn't have care of any kind, I think +they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a +standin' thar one day a watchin' the people +and things go by, when all to onct along cum +the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate +I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a +wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon +and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs +what commenced at the hind end and rambled +around all over the wagon. I sed to a +gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name +of all that's good and bad, what do you call +that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a +Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, +I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he +sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." +Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about +busted my buttins a laffin' at things what +happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young +lady cum in and sot down, and she had a +little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. +Wall, she opened the valise and took out a +purse and shet the valise, then she opened +the purse and took out a dime, and shet the +purse, opened the valise and put in the +purse, and shet the valise, then she handed +the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front +of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. +Then she opened the valise and took out the +purse, shet the valise and opened the purse +and put in the nickel and shet the purse, +opened the valise and put in the purse and +shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, +please." Wall, I had to snicker right out, +though I done my best not to, but I jist +couldn't help it. I didn't have any small +change so I handed the feller a five-dollar +bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at +it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped +the hosses, cum round to the hind end of +the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that +five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it +was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, +you cum out here, I want to see you." +Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I +jist made up my mind if he indulged in any +foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a +minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: +"Now look here, honest injun, did you give +me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, +sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed, +"Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you +want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him +five dollars fer the whole durned outfit. +---- + +Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a +senator, and another man a convict. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy + + + +Uncle Josh in a Department Store + +ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a +feller, now whar kin I find one of them +stores whar they hav purty near everything +to sell what thar is on earth, and he sed "I +guess you mean a department store, don't you?" +I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they +may sell departments at one of them stores, +but what I want to git is some muzlin +and some caliker. Wall he showed me +which way to go, and I started out, and +wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' +at things, when some feller throwed +a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall +now I don't think much of a man what +throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, +and I don't think much of a bananer +what throws a man on the sidewalk, +neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit +that bananer peelin' and I went up in the +air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about +a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy +tells about, and some that haint been discovered +yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself +up a little boy cum runnin' cross the street +and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do +that agin, my mother didn't see you do it." +Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that +little rascal fer about a minnit, and his +mother would a seen me do it. + +I found one of them stores finally, and I +got on the inside and told a feller what I +wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed +girl, and she sent me over to a bald-headed +feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to do +only walk the floor and answer questions. +Wall I went up to him and I sed, mister I'm +sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd +show me round 'til I do a little bargainin'. +And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay +seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at +that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now, +you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav +you? Everybody commenced a laffin', and he +got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist +step this way, please." Wall he showed me +round and I bought what I wanted, and +when I cum to pay the feller what I had to +pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' +to git any of my money back. I handed him +a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it +in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, +and the durned thing commenced runnin' +all over the store. Wall now you can jist +bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased +it up one side and down the other, I knocked +down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset +five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle +out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then +some one commenced to holler "CASH" and +I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I +chased that durned little baskit round 'til I +got up to it, and when I did I was right thar +whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt +more foolish in all my life. +---- + +Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for +the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way +of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different +opinion. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York + +I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz +in New York, but I think some of the sines what +they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as +funny as anything I ever seen in my life. + +I wuz walkin' down the street one day +and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick Lunch." +Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into +the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever +they call it, and they had some sines hangin' +on the walls in thar that jist about made me +laff all over. I noticed one sine sed "Put +your trust in the Lord," and right under it +wuz another sine what sed "Try our mince +pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I +want to tell you right now, if you eat many +of them mince pies you want to put your +trust in the Lord. + +Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked +along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to +a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, +and yeller and purple lights in the winder. +Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a +purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder +that jist tickled me, it sed, "Frog in +your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of +them critters in my throat fer ten dollars. + +Wall, jist a little further up the street I +seen another sine what sed "Boots blacked +on the inside." Now, any feller what gits +his boots blacked on the inside ain't got +much respect fer his socks. I git mine +blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a +sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights shinin' +on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; +so I happened to turn round and when I +looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same +sine at all, and jist then it changed right in +front of my very eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun +that some feller on the inside wuz +a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so +I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff +or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it +would turn fust one way and then the t'other, +and 'fore you could make up your mind +what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be +that at all. + +A little further up the street I seen a sine +what sed, "This is the door." Now, any +durned fool could see it wuz a door. And +then I seen another sine what sed "Walk +in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder +they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, +on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And +then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder +and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine +sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any +durned fool what don't know that cast iron +sinks, ought to have some one feel his head +and find out what ails him. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Street Car + +NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar +inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller +what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. +I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on +them street cars what they got thar. Wall I +wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' +after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz +a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, +and every durned thing with red wheels on +it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half +after a feller one day to tell him the water +what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' +out, and when I caught up to him I found +out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. + +Wall I got on one of them street cars one +day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar +wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had +to hang onto one of them little harness straps +along side of the car. So I got holt of a +strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor +sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in +the road thar, you'd better move up a little +further, wall I moved up a little ways and I +stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he +got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you +see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess +I kin, but you brought them feet in here, +and I've got to step some whar." Wall +every one begin to laff, and the conductor +sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, +you'll have to move for'ard again," and +I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid +him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as +well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty +much all the time I wuz in thar. + +Wall I got onto another car, and I got +sot down, and I never laffed so much in all +my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz +a little slim lady, and right along side of her +wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as +though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' +more'n about two cents and a half worth of +room, so finally she turned round to the +fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge +by weight on this line," and the big lady sed +"Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer +you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud. + +Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside +of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the +car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer +'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed-- +"little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one +of them ladys sot down," and the little boy +sed, "you git up and they can all sot down." +Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' +right out. + +Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady +and the had the purtiest little baby I calculate +I'd ever seen in all my born days, I +wanted to be sociable with the little feller +so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and +sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just +looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," +wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you +could have knocked me down with a feather, +I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't +know the little thing was rubber. + +Wall I noticed up in one end of the car +thar wuz a little round masheen, and the +conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and +every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that +clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed +out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins +and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion +it showed how much the conductor +wuz in and the company wuz out. + +Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the +front end of the car, and he wuz a purty +nice sort of a feller, he showed me how +every thing worked and told me all about it, +wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, +hope I'll see you agin some time, and he +sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these +days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run +across me if I seen him a comin'. + + + +My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots + +THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, + +That over my memory scoots, + +When I think of my boyhood days once again + +And my fust pair of copper toed boots. + +How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, + +And bravely marched out on the floor, + +And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit + +And the best to be had at the store." + +That night, I remember, I took them to bed, + +With the rest of us little galoots, + +And among other things in my prars which I sed + +Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. + +And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand + +Wuz me and my new acquisition, + +And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, + +From the garret clar down to the kitchen. + +Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, + +I concluded I'd help do the chores; + +Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust + +If I didn't git right out of doors. + +But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, + +And I couldn't get one way or tother, + +And I jist had to stand right there in one spot + +And holler like thunder fer mother. + +But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise + +Fer I larned right thar on the spot, + +That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world + +Is that by experience taught. + +So though many years have since passed away, + +And I've ventured on various routes, + +I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today + +As my fust pair of copper toed boots. + + + +Uncle Josh in Police Court + +I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as +many cort houses in it as New York has got. +It jist seemed to me like every judge in New +York had a cort house of his own, and +most of them cort houses seemed to be +along side of some markit house. Thar +wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks +Markit Cort, and several other corts +and markits, and markits and corts, I can't +remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice +of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, +and I wuz a little anxious to see how they +handled law and jestice in New York City, +so one mornin' I went down to one of them +cort houses, and thar wuz more different +kinds of people in thar than I ever seen +afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys-- +Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, +and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, +old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad +and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up +on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; +ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; +case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," +and the Lord only knows what else. +Wall, some of the cases they tried in that +cort house made me snicker right out loud. +They brought in a little Irish feller, and the +Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" +And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your +honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick +McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. +McGiness, what is your occupation?" And +the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your +honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: +"Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as +though you ever saw a ship in all your life." +And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall +Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in +me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland +in a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case +dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner." + +Wall, the next prisoner what they brought +in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and +the way he stuttered jist beat all. The +Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" +And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, +yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my +n-n-na-na-name is-is-is----." The +Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. +Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?" +And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, +the way he talks sounds to me like he might +be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin' +so I had to git right out of the cort house. + +It sort of made me think of a law soot we +had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice +of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: +One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to +Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd +sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, +and he didn't want to part with the cow, +'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he +struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz +to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and +generally take keer on her fer the milk she +giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went +to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, +Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." And +Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, +if you've got any cow round here I'll be +durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, +Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige +sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et +her head off two or three times since then." +So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her +milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk +be durned, she went dry three weeks after +you left, and she ain't give any milk since, +and near as I can figger it out, seems to me +as how I've pestered her and fed her all this +time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, Lige, +that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: +"Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and +seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points +in the law, I'm goin' to keep her." + +So they went to law about it, and all +Punkin Centre turned out to heer the trial. +Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both +sides of the case, he sed: "The Cort is +compelled, from the evidence sot forth in +this case, to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid +Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant, +the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from +the evidence sot forth that the cow critter in +question is a valuable critter, and wuth more +'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it +is the verdict of this cort that the aforesaid +defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow +two weeks longer, and then she is hisn." + + + +Uncle Josh at Coney Island + +I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times +'bout that place what they call Coney Iland, +and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made +up my mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one +day I got on one of them keers what +goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started +out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along +side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and +she seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or +other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do +these cars stop when we git on the other side +of the bridge?" I sed, wall now if they +don't you'll git the durndest bump you ever +got in your life. + +Wall we got on the other side, and I got +on one of them tra-la-lu cars what goes down +to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, +and he put it in his pockit jist the same +as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz +gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I +git any change? He sed, "didn't you see that +sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he +sez "you better go out and look at it." + +Wall I went out and looked at it, and +that settled it. It sed "This car goes to +Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; +I'll be durned if I got any. + +Wall we got down thar, and I must say +of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever +heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. +Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place +what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It +looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, +one end in a duck pond and tother end up +in the air, and they would haul a boat up to +the top and all git in and then cum scootin' +down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I +alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got +into one of the boats along with a lot of other +folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I +never see agin. They yanked us up to the +top of that troff and then turned us loose, +and I jist felt as though the whole earth had +run off and left us. We went down that troff +lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' +alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed +me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of +me you brazen female critter. But she jist +hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and +everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that +durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased +lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit +book and tother on my hat, and we went +kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the +durned boat upsot and we went into the +water, and that durned female critter hung +onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a +drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep +and I jist started to wade out when along +cum another boat and run over us, and +under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed +to get out to the bank, and that female +woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue +a lady from a watery grave. And I jist told +her if she had kept her mouth shet she +wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond. + +Wall they had one place what they called +the Middle Way Plesumps, and another place +what they called The Streets of Caro, and they +had a lot of shows a goin' on along thar. +Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down, +and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show +I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I purty near +busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot +of gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I +don't know what they called it, but it sooted +me fust rate. When I got home, the more +I thought about it the more I made up my +mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out +in the corn field whar none of the neighbors +could see me, and I'll be durned if I +didn't knock down about four akers of corn, +but I never got that dance right. I wuz the +talk of the whole community; mother didn't +speak to me fer about a week, and Aunt +Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame +and a disgrace to the village, but I notice +Nancy has asked me a good many questions +about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder +if we didn't find Nancy out in the cornfield +one of these days. + + + +Uncle Josh at the Opera + +WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now +mother, when I git down to New York City I'm +goin' to see a regular first-class theater. +We never had many theater doin's down our way. +Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to Punkin +Centre along last summer, but we +couldn't let 'em hav the Opery House to +show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the +Opery House wuz full of hay, and we couldn't +let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place +to put the hay. An then about a year and a +half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that +wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; +they left a good many of their things behind +'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins +he got one of the mules, and he tried to +hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks +Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I +traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendricks +fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, +borrowed the gun and shot the dog. + +Wall, I got into one of your theaters +here, got sot down and wuz lookin' at it; +and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with +a lot of lights shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' +it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out +with horns and fiddles, and they all started +in to fiddlin' and tootin', end all to once they +pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of +folks having a regular family quarrel. I +knowed that wasn't any of my business, and +I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the +rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I +calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my +hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, +'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way +and tend to his own business thar wouldn't +be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller +handed me a piece of paper what told all +about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' +at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar +wuz five years took place 'tween the fust +part and the second part. I knowed durned +well I wouldn't have time to wait and see +the second part, so I got up and went out. +Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in +mind of somethin' what happened down +hum on the last day of school. You see the +school teacher got all the big boys and the +big girls, and the boys they read essays and +the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner +girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. +Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' +like this: + + How nice to hear the bumble-bee + When you go out a fishin', + But if you happen to sot down on him, + He'll spoil your disposition. + + +I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so +touchin' about it. Then the school teacher +he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and +he dressed them up to represent the different +kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent +the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another +one to represent the moon, and another +one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, +and it looked mighty fine, and everythin' +wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim +Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement +on it; so he went out and got a colord +girl, and he wanted to sot her between the +sun and the moon and make an eklips. And +as usual he busted up the whole doin's. + + + +Uncle Josh at Delmonico's + +I USED to hear the summer boarders tell +a whole lot about a place here in New York +kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's +bin about ten thousand summer +boarders down to Punkin Centre +one time and another, and I guess I've +carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' +from about all of them; and when anyone of +'em would find fault with anythin' I used to +ast him whar he boarded at in New York, +and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so +I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico +must hav a right smart purty good sized +tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, +when I git down to New York that's whar +I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. + +Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it +wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't +s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my +life; guess you could have knocked my eyes +off with a club; they stuck out like bumps +on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and +birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash +tubs, didn't look to me as though they would +stand much of a gale; and about a hundred +and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to +onct, and out in the woods somewhar they +had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em +but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em +wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their +dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society +festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' +time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and +commenced talkin' some furrin language I +didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, +mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz +one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't +talk to him. Then another feller cum up +right smart like and wanted to know if I'd +hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a +card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to +him he could bring me my dinner on a plate. +Wall, he handed me a programme of the +dinner and I et about half way down it and +drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, +and it got into my head, and I never felt so +durn good in all my life. I got to singin' +and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in +the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of +Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I got +to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in +alot of constables, and it cost me sixteen +dollars and forty-five cents, and then they +took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon +with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the +bell every foot of the way to let folks know +I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders. + + + +It is Fall + +THE days are gettin' shorter, and +the summer birds are leaving, + +The wind sighs in the tree tops, +as though all nature was grieving; + +The leaves they drop in showers, there's a +blue haze over all, + +And a feller is reminded that once again it's +Fall. + + +It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered +in, + +The wheat is in the granary and the oats are +in the bin; + +A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony +with all, + +The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know +it's Fall. + + +I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the +water mill, + +While dressed in gorgeous colors is each +valley, knoll and hill; + +The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly +wander home, + +And the hives are just a-bustin' with the +honey in the comb. + + +Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple +paring bee, + +And the signs of peace and plenty are just +splendid for to see; + +The flowers they are drooping, soon there +won't be none at all, + +Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that +I know it's Fall. + + +The muskrat has built himself a house down +by the old mill pond, + +The squirrels are laying up their store from +the chestnut trees beyond; + +While walking through the orchard I can +hear the ripe fruit fall; + +There's an air of quiet comfort that only +comes with Fall. + + +The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes +you feel first-rate, + +And there's work to keep you going from +early until late; + +So you feel like giving praises unto Him +who doeth all, + +Nature heaps her blessings on you at this +season, and it's Fall. + + +The nights are getting frosty and the fire +feels pretty good, + +I like to see the flames creep up among the +burning wood; + +Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot +owl call, + +He is looking for his supper, I guess he +knows its Fall. + + +And though the year is getting old and the +trees will soon be bare, + +There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and +some to spare; + +For there's still some poor and needy who +for our help do call, + +So we'll share with them our blessings and +be thankful that it's Fall. + + + +Si Pettingill's Brooms + +WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season +wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra Hoskins's +store, talkin' on things in general, when up +drove Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. +Wall, we all took a long breath, and got +ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz +ever done in Punkin Centre. 'Cause Si, he +could see a bargain through a six-inch plank +on a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar +bill rattle in a bag of feathers a mile off, +and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a +goin' to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood +'round, didn't say much, and Ezra got most +uncommonly busy--he had more business +than a town marshal on circus day. + +Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy +Smith three yards of caliker, and Ruben +Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim +Lawson a plug of tobacker fer a muskrat +hide, he sed: "How's things over your +way, Si?" Si remarked: "things wuz +'bout as usual, only the water had bin most +uncommon high, White Fork had busted +loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's +mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's +paster wuz all under water, which made it +purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to +strain the milk two or three times to git the +minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns +wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz +a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist +church, and most every one had got religion, +and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout +as usual." + +Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you +git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; +I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated +I might as well have it done while thar wuz +plenty of water." + +"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; +I've got some brooms I'd like to sell ye." +Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house +cleanin' is comin' on and I'll most likely +need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em +in." Si sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as +thar's any need to crowd the mourners, can't +we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer +these brooms, Ezra, I don't want any store +trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't +know 'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a +gray hoss of another color, I always gin ye +store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: +"Y-a-s--, and that's a gray hoss of another +color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did +ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, +Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall, +Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot +fer a spell, and then he sed: "Tell ye what +I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other +half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: +"Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar +will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put +them in the back end of the store, Si, and +stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, +and I've got a lot of things comin' in from +Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had +the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they +be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure +thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted +'em on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, +and counted 'em when I made 'em." So +Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now +what do you want in trade?" Si looked +'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, +Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks +pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the +same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?" + +Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub +and Ruben Hendricks cut his thumb with +his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon +sed: "No, Si, that baptizin' didn't +take. And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say. + +---- + +Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we +would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh Plays Golf + +WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, +Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a +game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind +the woodshed whar mother couldn't +see us and them durned boys dressed +your uncle up in the dogondest suit of +clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a +pair of socks that had more different colors +in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like +a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, +and a-goin' across the medder our turkey +gobbler took after me and I had an awful +time with that fool bird. I calculate as how +I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving +time. + +Wall, the boys took me into the paster, +and they had it all dug up into what they +called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer +full of little Injun war clubs. They called +one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a +lot of other fool names I never heerd afore, +and can't remember now. Then they +brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big +as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up on a +little hunk of mud. Then they told me to +take one of them thar war clubs and stand +alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist +peeled off my coat and got a good holt on +that war club and I jist whaled away at that +durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, +and the boys all commenced to holler "foozle." + +Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled +away at it again, and I hit it right whar I +missed it the fust time, and I whirled round +and sot down so durned hard I sot four back +teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air +and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit +myself on the shin and on the pet corn at the +same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a- +rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' +like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder +'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that +durned little ball way over into the next +county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit +on my hands and got a good holt on that +war club and I whaled away at that little ball +agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it +clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, +and hit his old muley cow, and she got +skeered and run away, jumped the fence +and went down the road, and the durned +fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went +slap dab into Ezra Hoskins' grocery store, +upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg +of soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub +of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of +winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson +who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and +broke his durned old wooden leg, and then +she went right out through the winder and +skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a +standin' thar, and they run away and smashed +his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has +sued me fer damages, and mother won't +speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy +him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors +all say as how I ought to be put away some +place fer safe keepin', and Aunt Nancy +Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye +and didn't find it for three or four days, and +when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin' +marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, +and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on the +grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, +and she has to sort of put it in with cotton +round it to bold it, and the cotton works +out at the corners and skeers the children +and every time I see Nancy that durned eye +seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, +and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller +what knocks the ball so durned far you +can't find it or whar it does the most damage, +wins the game. + + + +Jim Lawson's Hogs + +WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose +thar wuz ever enybody in Punkin Centre that had +quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall +Jim had a right likely bunch of shoats, but +somehow or other he couldn't git 'em fat, +it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the +poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about +worried clar down to a shadder. He kept +givin' them hogs medecin' and feedin' of +'em everything he could think on, but it +wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em +would lay down and die. All the neighbors +would cum and lean over the fence, and +talk to Jim, and give him advice, but somehow +them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody +could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til +one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's +store, and he looked as tickled as though +he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I want +you all to cum over to my place; I've found +out what's alin' them hogs." Deacon +Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, +Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the +ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and +when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and +the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and that +mud it gits more mud, and finally they git +so much mud on their tails that it draws +their skin so tight that they can't shet their +eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the +want of sleep." + +Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his +hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist +conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. +Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov +'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. +Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" +Jim sed: "Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed +"Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums +from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, +they've got more hogs up Concord way than +they know what to do with. Lige Willit +took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby +took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of +hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away +down in Concord. But the paper sez it's +good in Manchester, and you'd make money, +Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his +chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and +sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to +go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off +and turn them round." Wall, they druv +them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, +and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' +thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: +"Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you +a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near +as he could figure it out from his present +bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to +Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" +Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly what all +he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, +he'd most likely sell his hogs." And Caleb +sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. +Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any +more hogs comin' in, 'cos what hogs they is +thar has all got colery, and you'd better go +to Concord. Besides the paper says markit +is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim +sed a good many things that wouldn't sound +good at a prayer meetin', and then he sed: +"Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer +Concord, so turn round." Wall, they went +along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs +couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz +jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell +'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, +'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's place whar +the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of +moovin' them from thar fer some time to +cum. + +Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that +we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's store, +and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do +very well with your hogs this year, did you?" +And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's +jist owin' to how you look at it. I never +caught up to that blamed markit, but I had +the society of the hogs fer two weeks." + + + +Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent + +WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any +feller what ever lived in Punkin Centre. A +short time ago we wanted to build a new town +hall, and calculated we'd have a brick +building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if +you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes +another trip or two down to New York +thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round +Punkin Centre to build a new town hall." + +Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' +out on my back porch, when along cum one +of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, +he jist cum right up and commenced a-talkin' +at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal +or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all +his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am astonished +at you. I've looked over your entire +premises and I find you haven't got a lightning +rod on any buildin' that you possess. +Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are +flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't +you know that lightning may strike at any +time and demolish everything within the +sound of my voice? Don't you know you +are criminally negligent? Why, my dear +sir, I am astonished to think that a man of +your jedgment and good common sense +should allow yourself to----" Wall, about +that time I'd got my breath and wits at the +same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, gosh +durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" +Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods, +and he brought out a little masheen and told +me to take hold of the handles and he'd +show me what a powerful thing 'lectricity +wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and +he turned on a crank, and that durned masheen +jist made me dance all over the porch, +and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as +though I'd fell in a yeller jacket's nest, and +about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' +me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed +he could put up a lightning rod or two, seein' +as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went +to work and I went over to Ezra Hoskins', +and when I got back home my place wuz a +sight to behold; it looked like a harrer +turned upside down. Thar wuz seven +lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen +house, one on the corn crib, one on the +smoke house, two on the granery, three on +the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the +crab apple tree, and when I got thar that +durned fool had the old muley cow cornered +up a-tryin' to put a lightnin' rod on her. +Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and +thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more. +Wall, he got me to sine a paper what sed he +had done a good job, and he sed he had to +show that to the company. + +Wall, about a week after that we had a +thunder storm, and I think the lightnin' +struck everything on the place except the +spring wagon and old muley cow, and they +didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall +I thought I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky +til next day, when along cum a feller with +that paper what I had sined, and durned if +it wan't a note fer six hundred dollars, and +by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it! + +Buncode agin, by chowder! + +---- + +Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that +wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong +pipe most usually rides in front. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Meeting of the Annanias Club + +WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used +to git down to Ezra Hoskins' grossery store +and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and +whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese +and proons and anything Ezra happened to +have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git +to spinnin' yarns that would jist about put +Annanias and Safiry right out of business if +they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon +we wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns +when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos +wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar +he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell of +hills cum together and you couldn't git out +thar and talk louder 'n a whisper on account +of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder +what wuz thar remarked as how he wasn't +afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of +any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; +so he went out and hollered jist as loud as he +could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' +and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off +onto another one and gittin' bigger and +louder all the time 'til it got back whar it +started from and hit a stone quarry and +knocked off a piece of stone and hit that feller +in the head, and he didn't cum too fer +over three hours. Wall, we thought that +wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none +of us sed anything fer a right smart spell +and then Si Pettingill remarked "he didn't +know anything about eckos, but he calculated +he'd seen some mighty peculiar things; +sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as +hard as anybody ever seen it rain." +Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did +you ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall +one day last summer down our way it +got to rainin' and it rained so hard that +the drops jist rubbed together comin' +down, which made them so allfired hot that +they turned into steam; why, it rained +so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider +bar'l layin' out in the yard that had both +heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it +rained so hard into that bung hole that the +water couldn't run out of both ends of the +bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and +busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of +terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra +Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how +he'd ever seen it rain quite so hard as that, +but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he +sed one time when he wuz out in Kansas it +got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' up +the river left a cloud of dust behind them. +And hot, too; why, it got so allfired hot that +one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn +out behind the barn, and it got so hot that +the corn got to poppin' and flyin' 'round +that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz +snow and laid down and froze to death. +Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson +commenced to show signs of uneasiness, and +someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and Jim +remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut +a sliver off from his wooden leg, "I wuz +a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one +winter when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket +way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I remember +right; anyhow, we had a kittle of +bilin' water sottin' on the fire, and we sot it +out doors to cool off a little, and that water +froze so durned quick that the ice wuz hot." + +Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up +time." + + + +Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade + +SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was +calculated to be about the best hoss trader in +Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a +fence, chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and +jist about swap ye outen your eye-teeth, if +you'd listen to him. + +Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; +Jim 'd swap anything he had fer anything +he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. + +Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and +tackled Jim fer a swap; and about that time +Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more +cussedness in him to the squar inch than any +critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus +mule that Ezra Hoskins owned. + +Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine +lookin' critter, and we all calculated that +Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day +Jim went to ride him, 'n he found out if he +fetched the peskey critter on the sides he'd +squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he +didn't git rid of that hoss, his reputation as a +hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went +over in t'other township to see old Deacon +Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz +mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he +had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz sort of hard +fer him to git 'round, so he had to do his +huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say +much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that +huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this +fall, cos he'd seen one or two flocks of +partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and +some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk +ford, and finally he sed: "Deacon, I've got +a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." +Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's +eyes off with a club, they stuck out like +bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I +never heered tell of sech a thing in all my +life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" +Jim sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to +set for all kinds of game. I calculated as +how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right +smart of hunting." So the Deacon sed, +"Wall, now, I want to know; bring him +over, Jim, I'd like to see him." + +Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all +Punkin Centre jest sort of held its breath to +see how it would cum out. + +Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and +as they wuz a-ridin' along through the timber +down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim +keepin' his eyes peeled and not sayin' much, +when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' in a +brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss +on the sides and he squatted right down. +The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter +of your hoss, Jim, look what he be a +doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you +see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? +the old hoss is a-settin' of him." Deacon +sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable +thing I ever seen in my life; how'd you like +to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, +I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, +but I ain't much of a hand at huntin', and +seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll +trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to boot." + +Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, +but he sed, "I'll trade you, Jim." +They traded hosses, and when they wuz a- +comin' home they had to ford the crick what +runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the +old hoss wuz a-wadin' through the water, +Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep +them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the +old boss on the sides and he squatted right +down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look +a-here, Jim, what's the matter with this ungodly +brute, he ain't a-settin' now be he?" +Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in +the water; tell you he's trained to set fer +suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's +had a thorough eddication." + +---- + +Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to +me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful +in life. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Meeting of the School Directors + +WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' +about the school house. You see it had got to +be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort +of an affair, and when it wuz bad weather we +couldn't have school in it, 'cause you might +jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it +rained as to be a settin' in that school house. +Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the fall term, +and we wanted our boys and girls to git all +the schoolin' an' eddication what they could; +so we called a meetin' of the school directors +to devise ways and means of buildin' a new +school-house without stoppin' school. Wall, +we all met down at the school-house; thar +wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, +Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim +Lawson and me. Before we commenced +debatin' and argufyin' on the matter, Si +Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he +got up and sang the durndest old-fashioned +song I calculate I ever heered in my life; +went somethin' like this: + + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + oohoo--oohoo. + Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, + With a sword and a pistol by his side, + oohoo--oohoo. + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + oohoo--oohoo, + He rode till he came to the mouse's door, + And there he knelt upon the floor, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + oohoo--oohoo. + He took Miss Mousey on his knee, + Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? + oohoo--oohoo. + + +Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess +if we hadn't he'd bin singin' about that frog +and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim +Lawson he sed, "I make a moshen;" and +Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, +and he sed, "Now look here, young feller, +don't you make any moshens at me or durned +if I don't git down thar and flop you in about +a minnit. You take your feet off'n that +desk and that corncob pipe out'n your +mouth, and conduct yourself with dignity +and decorum, and address the chairman of +this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his +station." Wall, Jim he got right smart riled +over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you +gosh durned old gospel pirate, I want you to +understand that I'm a member of this body, +a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably +discharged servant of the government, and I +make a moshen that we build a new school- +house out of the bricks of the old school- +house, and I do further offer an amendment +to the original moshen, that we don't tear +down the old schoolhouse until the new one +is built." + +Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The +gentleman is out of order;" and Jim sed, "I +ain't so durned much out of order but that I +kin trim you in about two shakes of a dead +sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it, +them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon +he grabbed Jim and Jim he grabbed the +Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the +Deacon he wuz stuck fast 'tween a desk and +the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg +through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't +get it out, and they've both gone to law +about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a +writ of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and +the Deacon says he's goin' to prosecute Jim +for bigamy and arson and have him read out +of the church. + +Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. + +---- + +Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be +generally better off if they didn't git it. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre + +WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz +a-walkin' along on that street what they call +the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar +noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and +masheenery. Wall, I wuz jist flobgasted; I +jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar +wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' +along side of it with slege hammers in their +hands, and every onct in a while they would +go to poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd +stand 'round and watch 'em do it; they reminded +me of a couple of fellers splittin' +rales. And all 'round the edge of the buildin' +they had hoot owls sottin', with electric +lites in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the +masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed +ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery +in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved +them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen +before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' +masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' +them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' +in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all +printed and full of picters and folded up +ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done +it. Wall, we never had but one paper down +home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The +Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim +Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim +he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, +so to keep him out of mischief we made him +editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over +Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got +any money for the noospaper--always got +paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a +mighty good place fer him to take in his +subskriptions. Wall, things went along +pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a +feller he cum in and give Jim a keg of hard +cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, +and we all calculated right then that +somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; and sure +enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim +had got two advertisements; one wuz fer +Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz +the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw +Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he got to +drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at +the same time, and when the paper cum out +on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. +Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben +Jackson's resterant would leave the depo +every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake +and mutton stews, and would change cars at +White River Junkshen for mins and punkin +pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag +stashen fer coffy and do nuts like mother +used to make, and the train wouldn't run on +Sundays cos the stashun agint what done the +cookin' would have to run en extra on that +day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion." + +I believe that wuz the last issu of the +Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. + +---- + +Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, +sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, +and sometimes the result of hard cider. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting + +WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting +at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer several days we +wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' +preparations fer the camp meetin', and +some of the committee alowed we ought to +have lemonade fer the Sunday school +children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist +as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick +what runs back of the camp meeting +grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown +sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the +Sunday school children drink right out of +the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had +right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed +up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed +down a hemlock tree and used the stump +fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons +preached at that camp meetin' beat anything +I ever heered in my life afore. You see we'd +bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout +corporations, monopolies and trusts, and one +minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved +brethren and sisters, we should not be +too severe on the monopolists. If we read +the scripters closely we observe our forefathers +wuz all monopolists. Adam and Eve +had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, +and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, +had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the +apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had +a corner on the salt market. And while +Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk business, +yet we observe she took a great proffit +out of the water; yea, verrily." Most on us +cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a +free pass. + +Samantha Hoskins concluded she would +have to sing her favorit hymn; it went something +like this: + + "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', + And neither in the heat of the day; + But cum along in the evenin', Lord, + And wash my sins away. + +Chorus-- + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; + Standin' on the walls of Zion, + To see my ship cum in." + + +Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks +skeered a skunk out of a holler log. Si +Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon +Witherspoon sot down in a huckleberry pie +and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, +and she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like +she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', and +old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and +he stumped 'round and got his old wooden +leg into a post hole and fell down, and the +dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell +which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and +durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. + + + +The Unveiling of the Organ + + IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, + I believe in eighty-nine, + We had some doin's at the meetin' house, + That we thought wuz purty fine; + + It wuz a great occasion, + The choir, led by Sister Morgan, + Had called us thar to witness + The unveilin' of the organ. + + In order fer to git it + We'd bin savin' here and there, + Lookin' forward to the time + When we'd have music fer to spare, + And as the time it had arrived, + And the organ had cum, too, + We had all of us assembled thar + To hear what the thing could do. + + Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, + In a handsome walnut case, + And thar wuz expectation + Pictured out on every face; + Then when Deacon Witherspoon + Had led us all in prayer, + The congregation all stood up + And Old Hundred rent the air. + + Jist then the doin's took a turn, + Though I'm ashamed to say it, + We found that old Jim Lawson + Wuz the only one could play it; + But Jim, the poor old feller, + Had one besettin' sin, + A fondness fer hard cider + Which he'd bin indulgin' in. + + But he sot down at that organ, + Planked his feet upon the pedals, + And he showed us he could play it + Though he hadn't any medals; + He dwelt upon the treble + And he flirted with the base, + He almost made that organ + Jump right out of its case. + + Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head + And in his fingers, too, + So he played some dancin' music + And old Yankee Doodle Doo; + He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon + And scared poor Sister Morgan, + And jist busted up the meetin' + At the unveilin' of the organ. + + + +Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball + +I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of +foot ball they have in New York, so while I +was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see +a game of it, so went out to one of their city +pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now +I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of +any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty +or sixty ambulances, and I think about that +many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from +what I could see of the game I calculate +they needed all of them. I saw one feller +and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it +jist looked as though they wuz all trying to +get a kick at him. They had a half back +and a quarter back; I suppose when they got +through with that feller he wuz a hump +back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot +ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any +foot ball in his'n. + +I never played but one game of ball in +my life that I kin remember on, and don't +believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it +wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and +the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, +and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like +to have you help us play a game of base +ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too +old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help +you play one game, I'll be durned if I +don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and +wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases +and bats put around in thar places, and a +buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence +corner, whar we could get a drink when we +wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, +but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they +wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then +I happened to look around and thar wuz the +biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. +You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of +the paster; I would hav got out too, but I +got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to +hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through +the fence. He didn't git me all the way +through, cos I wuz half way through when +he got thar; but he got the last half through. +I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the +only feller what had a score of the game; I +couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every +time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly +how the game stood. + +They hav a good many new fangled +games now, but when they git anything that +can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat +fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it. + + + +The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad + +WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad +in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be +right smart cityfied. I guess that's about +the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. +I think that railroad runs across itself in one +or two places; it runs past one station three +times. It's so durned crooked they hav to +burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, +the fust ingine they had on the Punkin +Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. +It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot +whissel, and every time they blowed the +whissel the durned old ingine would stop. + +Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're +mighty proud of it; but we had an awful +time a-gittin' it through. You see, most +everybody give the right of way 'cept Ezra +Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go +through his medder field, and it seemed as +though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a +ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin +Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra +saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most +uncommonly busy like; so he went down to +them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down +here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, +we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra +sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be +we? Is it goin' right through here?" And +they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's +a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, +"Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of +ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about +plow up my medder field, won't ye?" They +sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do +some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let +me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got +that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, +sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near +as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge +it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." +They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, +but the railroad is a-goin' right through your +barn." + +Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a +spell, and we all expected thar would be +trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose +the community of Punkin Centre needs a +railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections +to its goin' through, but I'm goin' +to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go +any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', +you've got to git a man to cum down +here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' +along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be +too durned busy to run down here and open +and shet them barn doors every time one of +your pesky old trains wants to go through." + +---- + +Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed +since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will +exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has +ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that +is past all description. Which will make a hired man +fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act +boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be +stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an +indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. + --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh on a Bicycle + +A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra +Hoskins' boy, he cum home from college and +bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens +hum with him, and I think ever since +that time the whole town of Punkin Centre +has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon +Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a bisickle to +Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't +ride one of them 'cause he's got a wooden +leg; but he jist calculated if he could git it +hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could +cut more hay with it than any man in Punkin +Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz +tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle. + +Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' +bisickles now, and nothin' would do but I +must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, +I didn't think very favorably on it, but in +order to keep peace in the family I told them +I would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. +I wish you had bin thar when I commenced. +I took that masheen by the horns and I led +it out into the middle of the road, and I +got on it sort of unconcerned like, and +then I got off sort of unconcerned like. +Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it +over, and then the trouble commenced. +I got on that durned masheen and it +jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, +and bucked up in the middle, and +shied and balked and jumped sideways, +and carried on worse 'n a couple of steers +the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed +to hang on fer a spell, and then I went +up in the air and cum down all over that bisickle. +I fell on top of it and under it and +on both sides of it; I fell in front of the +front wheel and behind the hind wheel at +the same time. Durned if I know how I +done it but I did. I run my foot through +the spokes, and put about a hundred and +fifty punctures in a hedge fence, and skeered +a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I +done more different kinds of tumblin' than +any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life, +and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot +circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. +Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the +clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, +I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button +and my standin' in the community. I +broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets, +I broke the ten commandments, I broke +my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud +and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got +so excited he run his wooden leg through a +knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it +out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; once +is enough fer me. You kin all ride your +durned old bisickles that want to, but fer my +part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to +sit down and walk. No more bisickles fer +your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it, and +your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how +he do. + +---- + +Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another +way of gittin' it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church + +A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' +at the Hickory Corners Church, and before the +baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin' +we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them +questions and answers in that Sunday school jist +made me snicker right out loud. You see, old +Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the +Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let +me see what little boy can tell me who slew +the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one +sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little +red-headed feller down at the foot of the +class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila." +The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't +Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, +it wuz Sampson." Another little feller +sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of +got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is +the feller what done the job, at Santiague." +The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin +readin' too much about them war doin's in +the papers. Now what little boy can tell +me what is the first commandment?" And +Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the +main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the +meetin' house, whar I could have a good +laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down +thar in the fust place, or the second place, +fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim +Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old +critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' +fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum +over to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's +you and me go down to the baptizin'." I +sed, "What do you want to go down thar +fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin +ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar +wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my +house, and I want to go down thar and see +if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin +thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the +minister he had the hymn books to sell, and +the minister sed he'd tell the congregation +all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in +the meetin' house and went to sleep; and +then he went to snorin'; you could hear him +clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't +a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up +Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' +through with his sermon, he sed, "Now +all members of the congregation having +babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized +after the sermon is over, bring them +up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." +Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and +be thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about +his hymn books; so he stood up and sed, +"Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll +let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece." + +---- + +Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists +mainly of doing right. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Reminiscence of My Railroad Days + +Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and +Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa. + + WALL, John, I read your poetry, + And laughed till I nearly cried, + Seein' how you became an engineer, + And got on the right hand side. + It made me think of the days gone by, + When I wuz one of you fellers, too, + What used to run an old machine, + And go tootin' the country through. + But the engine that I had then, John, + Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" + She wuz old and worn and loggy, + And jist chuck full of pranks; + And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, + Full of bolts and valves and knobs, + And the boiler wouldn't hold water; + Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. + + But I wuz younger then, John, + And I didn't care a cuss; + So I'd pull the throttle open + And jist let her wheeze and fuss. + The road that I wuz a-runnin' on + Wuz out in the woolly west; + Two streaks of rust and the right of way + Wuz puttin' it at its best. + So we sort of plugged along, John. + And didn't put on any frills, + Never thought of doin' anything + But doublin' all the hills. + I tell you those were rocky times, + And we hadn't no air brake; + And fifteen miles an hour, John, + Wuz durn good time to make. + + And thar wuz as good a lot of boys + As you could meet with anywhere; + Rough and ready open up, + And always on the square. + And I'd like to see them all again, + And grasp each honest hand; + But some of them, like me, have quit, + Some have gone to another land. + I have changed somewhat since then, John, + Jist a little more steady grown; + But I often think of my railroad days + As the happiest ones I've known. + And, John, I often watch the train. + As they go whizzing by; + As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, + Thar's a tear comes in my eye. + + Perhaps you'd like to know, John, + Just why I quit the rail, + And as some feller one time sed, + "Thereby hangs a tale." + I wuz goin' along one night, John, + At a purty lively rate, + The old machine a-doin' her best, + And me forty minutes late, + When all at once there came a crash, + I felt the old track yield, + And fireman, machine and I + Went into a farmer's field. + There's little more to say, John, + They laid me up for repairs, + But my fireman, poor fellow, + Hadn't time to say his prayers. + + So now you have my story, John; + Still, you don't know how it feels + To know you've got to plug around + On a couple of flat wheels. + But it doesn't bother me, John, + Gosh, not fer a minnit; + I'm as happy as the day is long, + And feel jist strictly in it. + But sometimes I like to meet the boys, + And talk them days all over, + And I feel as gay and chipper + As a calf in a field of clover + But the happiest days I've known, John, + The ones that to me see best, + Wuz when I run an old machine + Way out in the woolly west. + +---- + +Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. + Punkin Centre Philosophy. + + + +Uncle Josh at a Circus + +WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar +wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin Centre, and I think +the whole population turned out to see it. They +cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' +and banners flying, and animals pokin' their +heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim +cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful +lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and +see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he +alowed he'd take the children and let them +see the lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill +remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders +on himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards +that the Deacon had a front seat whar he could see +and hear purty well. + +Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you +and me go down to the cirkus," and Ezra +sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our +store clothes, our new boots, and put some +money in our pockits, and went down to the +cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my +life cut up more fool capers than Ezra did. +We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra +he walked around the elefant three or four +times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, +that's a durned handy critter--he's got two +tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin' +the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! +Wall, we went on a little ways further, and +all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, +thar's Steve Jenkins over thar in one of +them cages." I sed, "Cum along you silly +fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, +"Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve +Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty +near raised Steve." Wall, we went over to +the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' +only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted +to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked +like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of +pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's +family a long ways back. + +Wall then we went into whar they wuz +havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two +old codgers jist about busted our buttins +a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut +up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot +down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; +and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. +She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted +critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled +to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in +him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy +she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, +they brought a trick mule into the ring, and +the ring master sed he'd give any one five +dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben +Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with +four legs what had hair on. So he got into +the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben +and chased him 'round that ring so fast +Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other +side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to +git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss +back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy +Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum +out thar without clothes enough on her to +dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed +that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all +alowed it, whatever he meant. And then +that silly old clown he told the ring master +that his uncle committed sooiside different +than any man what ever committed sooiside; +and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did +your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly +old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his +ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang +an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a +long time; went something like this: + + From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, + From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, + From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown + to Widdletown, + Take it all together and its fifteen miles. + + +He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. +Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round +among the benches as though he might +a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, +did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" +He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if +you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall, +I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them +cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' +I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit +and give it to him; and the durned fool +didn't know but what it wuz the same one +that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of +his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell +you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin +Centre. + + + +Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him + +I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to +go home, that all you folks would be down +here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, +that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it +ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; +I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I +kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks +have made it purty warm fer me since I've +bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed +it 'bout as much as you have. + +I'd like to have you all cum down to +Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this +summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. +Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, +huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other +things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in +my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a +flyin' squirrel. + +I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm +last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I +sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer +me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it +so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of +it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I +sent him out in the garden to plant some +pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist +seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss +sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters +right alongside of each other, and the +unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they +couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun +down home onct in a while. I calculate +I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you +ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens +and they lay an egg every day; but they +don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes +every one of them is roosters. I had one +old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot +down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had +another one sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to +hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. +While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a +rooster, and he sed, "We're having a little +party down behind the barn; will you dance +with me this set?" and she sed, "No, sir, +I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." Gosh, +I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one +while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I +heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that +old gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer." + +Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to +be a-goin'; good-bye; cum down and see +me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; +cum down about apple-butter time and jist +butt in--good bye. + + + +Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death + + YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, + And he came from no one knowed whar; + Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, + And wuz reckoned on the squar'. + Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks + May have made him stern and grim; + But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide + But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. + + He wa'n't one of the regular sort + What you'd meet thar any day, + But as near as the camp could figure it out, + In a show down he'd likely stay. + A shambling, awkward figure, + Rawboned, tall and slim, + And his schaps and togs in general + Jist looked like they'd fell on him. + + I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, + Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; + Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts + As I couldn't quite understand. + But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, + Wuz with him on my very first trick; + And from that time on I stuck to him + Like a kitten to a good warm brick. + + Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, + It wuz down by the redwood way, + With Chaparel across the spur, + 'Bout fifty miles away. + Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, + Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; + And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, + Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. + + The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me + Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; + And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, + I don't think he's cum fer to stay; + His eyes are too shifty and yeller, + And his face is sullen and hard; + And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; + Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard." + + One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, + And the frost it wuz on every nail, + With jist the mail sack and specie box, + The greaser and I hit the trail. + We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, + And while the broncos were changed that day + I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat + With the greaser from down Monterey. + + Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, + That creeps down the mountain side, + Leavin' behind it a ghastly track + Whar those who have met it died? + Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', + No man wants to see it twice; + White and grim as a funeral shroud, + A mass of mist and ice. + + Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay + When my hair it commenced to rise, + For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur + A cloud of most monstrous size. + And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, + And the broncos commenced to neigh; + Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then + I won't forgit till my dyin' day. + + In less time than it takes to tell it, + We were into the Great White Death, + With its millions of frozen snowflakes + A-takin' away our breath. + And jist then somethin' happened, pard, + The greaser from down Monterey + Tried to sneak off with the specie box, + Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. + + All at once a figure on hossback + Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, + And bullets from out of a Winchester + Commenced to fly like hail. + The greaser and them two passengers + Cashed in their chips to him, + Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' + Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. + + Wall, we planted them thar together, + When the cloud had passed away; + And all they've got fer a tombstone + Is the mountains, dull and gray. + So, pard, let's take one together, + And I'll drink a toast to him, + Fer though he wuz rough and ready, + He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. + + +The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, +occurs in the higher altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra +Nevada Mountains. It is almost indescribable. It might +properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the effect of +bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which +few rarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent +sight, each and every particle of the frozen moisture +being a miniature prism, which reflects the sun's rays in +a manner once seen never to be forgotten.--By CAL. +STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells- +Fargo Express Company. + + + +Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston + +FER a long time I had my mind made up to go +down to Boston, so a short time ago, as I had +all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed +it would be a good time to go down thar, and +I sed to mother, "I'll start early in +the mornin' and take a load of produce with +me, and that will sort of pay expenses of the +trip." + +Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' +bright and early, 'bout time they had their +breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; +then finally I picked out a right likely lookin' +store, and jist conclooded I'd sell my load +of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met +a feller 'nd I sed, "Good mornin', be you +the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, +I'm only one of the clerks." So I sed, +"Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And +he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see +him?" And I told him as how I would, and +he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' +"FRONT," and a boy cum up what had +more brass buttins on him than a whole +regiment of soljers. I thought that wuz a +durned funny name fer a boy--front--and +that clerk feller he wuz about the most +importent thing I'd seen in Boston so far, less +maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument +that I druv past cummin' to town. He had +on a biled collar that sort of put me in mind +of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair +grounds down hum. I'll bet if he'd ever +sneeze it would cut his ears off. + +Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, +"Show the gentleman to the proprietor's +offis." Wall, I went along with that boy, +and presently we cum to a place in one corner +of that store; it wuz made out of iron +and had bars in front of the winders, and +looked like the county jale. The front boy +p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I +sed, "I gessed I wouldn't go in thar, cos I +hadn't done anything to be locked up fer." +And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' +durned if I could see what he wuz a-laffin' +about, and the storekeeper he opened the +door and cum out, and he sed, "Good mornin', +what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be +you the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. +So I sed, "Do you want to buy any pertaters?" +And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy +pertaters here; this a dry goods store." So +I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do +ye?" And he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry +goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I +want to know; do you need any onions?" +And by chowder, he got madder 'n a wet +hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want +you to understand onct fer all, this is a dry +goods store, and we don't buy anything but +dry goods and don't sell anything but dry +goods; do you understand me now? DRY +GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand +you; you don't need to git so tarnaly +riled about the matter; neer as I can figure +it out you jist buy dry goods and sell 'em." +And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods." +So I sed, "Do you want to buy some mighty +good dried apples?" + +Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a +lot of wimmin clerks giggled right out, and +the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', +too, and fer about a minnit I thought they'd +all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a feller +to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I +disposed of it at a good bargain. + +I like them Boston folks, they try to +make you feel to hum, and enjoy yourself +and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of +soshability, too; I wuz goin' up one street +and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at +ten cents a soshable. + +Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth +seein' in Boston, and I wuz a-standin' along- +side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at +the semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in +thar burried nigh unto three hundred years. +And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if +they could wake up and see Boston now, +when I noticed a row of little toomstones, +and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved +wife of James Brown," and on another +it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of +James Brown," and on another it sed, +"Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown." Wall, I couldn't jist make out +what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, +"Jimmy, you had a right lively time while +you wuz in Boston, didn't you?" Then I +seen another toomstone and on it it sed, +"Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown," and another one what sed, + +"Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James +Brown," and over in a little corner, all to +itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, +"James Brown, At Rest." + + + +Who Marched in Sixty-One + +CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. + + I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, + To see the boys in line, + Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, + I tell you they looked fine. + And as they marched past whar I stood, + To the rattle of the drum, + It made me think of those other boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, + Jist as it did one day + When you stood thar to say good-bye, + And watch me march away. + So I stood thar and watched them + Till the parade wuz nearly done, + But thar wasn't many thar to-day + Who marched in sixty-one. + + And thar wuz my old Captain + And the Colonel side by side, + And as they both saluted me + I jist sot down and cried. + And I thought about some other boys + Whose work has long bin done; + Soon thar won't be any left at all + Who marched in sixty one. + + I heered the band play Dixie, + And my old heart swelled with pride, + A-thinkin' of the boys in gray + Who marched on the other side. + And when my time it comes, mother, + The Lord's will it be done, + I hope he'll take me to the boys + Who marched in sixty-one. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories + |