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diff --git a/9609.txt b/9609.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5df1430 --- /dev/null +++ b/9609.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6824 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2 + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Posting Date: November 17, 2011 [EBook #9609] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 9, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + +THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING + +EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY + +IN TWELVE VOLUMES + +VOL. II. + + + +JOSEPH ANDREWS + +VOL. II. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + BOOK II.--continued. + + CHAPTER XIV. + _An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._ + + CHAPTER XV. + _An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson Adams + gave of his forgetfulness._ + + CHAPTER XVI. + _A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater + instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience + in the ways of this world._ + + CHAPTER XVII. + _A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by the + disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky + catastrophe, had it not been timely prevented by the return of + the lovers._ + + + BOOK III. + + CHAPTER I. + _Matter prefatory in praise of biography._ + + CHAPTER II. + _A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel Adams and + his fellow-travellers._ + + CHAPTER III. + _In which the gentleman relates the history of his life._ + + CHAPTER IV. + _A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical adventure + of the dog, and other grave matters._ + + CHAPTER V. + _A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham Adams + and Joseph; and a discovery not unwelcome to them both._ + + CHAPTER VI. + _Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting adventure, and + parson Adams's miraculous escape._ + + CHAPTER VII. + _A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste and + times._ + + CHAPTER VIII. + _Which some readers will think too short and others too long._ + + CHAPTER IX. + _Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found in + this or perhaps any other authentic history._ + + CHAPTER X. + _A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use in this + history but to divert the reader._ + + CHAPTER XI. + _Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in + affliction; calculated for the instruction and improvement of the + reader._ + + CHAPTER XII. + _More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize + the reader._ + + CHAPTER XIII. + + _A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and Mr + Peter Pounce, better worth reading than all the works of Colley + Cibber and many others._ + + + BOOK IV. + + CHAPTER I. + _The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall._ + + CHAPTER II. + _A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby._ + + CHAPTER III. + _What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout._ + + CHAPTER IV. + _A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the arrival + of Mr Booby and his lady._ + + CHAPTER V. + _Containing justice business; curious precedents of depositions, and + other matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace + and their clerks._ + + CHAPTER VI. + _Of which you are desired to read no more than you like._ + + CHAPTER VII. + _Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any light + French romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's + encounter with a beau._ + + CHAPTER VIII. + _A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and + Fanny, with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some + few readers very low, absurd, and unnatural._ + + CHAPTER IX + _A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to + the parson._ + + CHAPTER X. + _The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson to + all those persons who happen to take up their residence in married + families._ + + CHAPTER XI. + _In which the history is continued._ + + CHAPTER XII. + _Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give + him no great pleasure._ + + CHAPTER XIII + _The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the + terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride, with what + happened on the present discovery._ + + CHAPTER XIV. + _Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell + into many hair-breadth scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and + partly to his inadvertency._ + + CHAPTER XV. + _The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews with another person not + much expected, and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by + the pedlar._ + + CHAPTER XVI. + _Being the last. In which this true history is brought to a happy + conclusion._ + + + LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. + + MR WILSON RELATES HIS HISTORY + PARSON ADAMS + HE RAN TOWARDS HER + + + + +BOOK II.--continued. + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +_An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._ + + +Parson Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he found +stript into his waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand, +just come from serving his hogs; for Mr Trulliber was a parson on +Sundays, but all the other six might more properly be called a farmer. +He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he rented a +considerable deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy, +and followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly to +his care, which he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs; +on which occasion he was liable to many jokes, his own size being, with +much ale, rendered little inferior to that of the beasts he sold. He +was indeed one of the largest men you should see, and could have acted +the part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that the +rotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness of +his stature, his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when he +lay on his back, as when he stood on his legs. His voice was loud and +hoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To complete the whole, he had +a stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that of a goose, +only he stalked slower. + +Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him, +immediately slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an old +night-gown, being the dress in which he always saw his company at home. +His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's arrival, had made a small +mistake; for she had told her husband, "She believed there was a man +come for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hasten +with the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adams +than, not in the least doubting the cause of his errand to be what his +wife had imagined, he told him, "He was come in very good time; that he +expected a dealer that very afternoon;" and added, "they were all pure +and fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams answered, "He +believed he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have seen +you often at fair; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you. +Yes, yes," cries he, "I remember thy face very well, but won't mention a +word more till you have seen them, though I have never sold thee a +flitch of such bacon as is now in the stye." Upon which he laid violent +hands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, which was indeed but +two steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived there +than he cry'd out, "Do but handle them! step in, friend! art welcome to +handle them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate, +he pushed Adams into the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handle +them before he would talk one word with him. + +Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obliged +to comply before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold on +one of their tails, the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that he +threw poor Adams all along in the mire. Trulliber, instead of assisting +him to get up, burst into a laughter, and, entering the stye, said to +Adams, with some contempt, "Why, dost not know how to handle a hog?" and +was going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he had +carried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than he +escaped out of the reach of the animals, and cried out, "_Nihil habeo +cum porcis_: I am a clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs." +Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for the mistake, but that he must +blame his wife," adding, "she was a fool, and always committed +blunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that he +would only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dry +his greatcoat, wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. Mrs +Trulliber would have brought him a basin of water to wash his face, but +her husband bid her be quiet like a fool as she was, or she would commit +more blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. While Adams was thus +employed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the appearance of +his guest, fastened the parlour door, and now conducted him into the +kitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm, +and whispered his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a short +silence Adams said, "I fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be a +clergyman."--"Ay, ay," cries Trulliber, grinning, "I perceive you have +some cassock; I will not venture to caale it a whole one." Adams +answered, "It was indeed none of the best, but he had the misfortune to +tear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber, +returning with the drink, told her husband, "She fancied the gentleman +was a traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bid +her hold her impertinent tongue, and asked her, "If parsons used to +travel without horses?" adding, "he supposed the gentleman had none by +his having no boots on."--"Yes, sir, yes," says Adams; "I have a horse, +but I have left him behind me."--"I am glad to hear you have one," says +Trulliber; "for I assure you I don't love to see clergymen on foot; it +is not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here Trulliber made +a long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not much +worth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess of +porridge on it for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, "I don't know, +friend, how you came to caale on me; however, as you are here, if you +think proper to eat a morsel, you may." Adams accepted the invitation, +and the two parsons sat down together; Mrs Trulliber waiting behind her +husband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat heartily, +but scarce put anything in his mouth without finding fault with his +wife's cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she was +so absolute an admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, of +which she had frequent hints from his own mouth, that she almost carried +her adoration to an opinion of his infallibility. To say the truth, the +parson had exercised her more ways than one; and the pious woman had so +well edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved to receive +the bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed been +at first a little contentious; but he had long since got the better; +partly by her love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by her +religion, partly by the respect he paid himself, and partly by that +which he received from the parish. She had, in short, absolutely +submitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did Abraham, calling +him (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband gave +her a fresh example of his greatness; for, as she had just delivered a +cup of ale to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, "I +caal'd vurst," swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it; it was referred +to the wife, who, though her conscience was on the side of Adams, durst +not give it against her husband; upon which he said, "No, sir, no; I +should not have been so rude to have taken it from you if you had caal'd +vurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the best he +in the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst." + +As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the following +manner: "I think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business of +my embassy. I am a traveller, and am passing this way in company with +two young people, a lad and a damsel, my parishioners, towards my own +cure; we stopt at a house of hospitality in the parish, where they +directed me to you as having the cure."--"Though I am but a curate," +says Trulliber, "I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhaps +the rector of the next parish too; I believe I could buy them +both."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my business +is, that we are by various accidents stript of our money, and are not +able to pay our reckoning, being seven shillings. I therefore request +you to assist me with the loan of those seven shillings, and also seven +shillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you; but if not, +I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of laying +up a treasure in a better place than any this world affords." + +Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagined +a client, when the lawyer was preparing his palm for the fee, should +pull out a writ against him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of a +chariot containing some great doctor of eminent skill, should, instead +of directions to a patient, present him with a potion for himself. +Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord +----, or sir ----, or esq. ---- with a good broomstick. Suppose a civil +companion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, and +beauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, and +ugliness, and folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when a +tradesman first carries in his bill, the man of fashion should pay it; +or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman should abate what he had +overcharged, on the supposition of waiting. In short--suppose what you +will, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to the astonishment +which seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. A +while he rolled his eyes in silence; sometimes surveying Adams, then his +wife; then casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven. +At last he burst forth in the following accents: "Sir, I believe I know +where to lay up my little treasure as well as another. I thank G--, if I +am not so warm as some, I am content; that is a blessing greater than +riches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be content +with a little is greater than to possess the world; which a man may +possess without being so. Lay up my treasure! what matters where a man's +treasure is whose heart is in the Scriptures? there is the treasure of a +Christian." At these words the water ran from Adams's eyes; and, +catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, "Brother," says he, +"heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you! I would have +walked many a mile to have communed with you; and, believe me, I will +shortly pay you a second visit; but my friends, I fancy, by this time, +wonder at my stay; so let me have the money immediately." Trulliber then +put on a stern look, and cried out, "Thou dost not intend to rob me?" At +which the wife, bursting into tears, fell on her knees and roared out, +"O dear sir! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master; we are but poor +people." "Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business," +said Trulliber; "dost think the man will venture his life? he is a +beggar, and no robber." "Very true, indeed," answered Adams. "I wish, +with all my heart, the tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber; "I would +have thee punished as a vagabond for thy impudence. Fourteen shillings +indeed! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe thou art no more a +clergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife); "but if thou +art, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for running +about the country in such a manner." "I forgive your suspicions," says +Adams; "but suppose I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother; +and thou, as a Christian, much more as a clergyman, art obliged to +relieve my distress." "Dost preach to me?" replied Trulliber; "dost +pretend to instruct me in my duty?" "Ifacks, a good story," cries Mrs +Trulliber, "to preach to my master." "Silence, woman," cries Trulliber. +"I would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shall +not learn my duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better than +to give to vagabonds." "Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rate +obliges us to give so much charity," cries the wife. "Pugh! thou art a +fool. Poor's reate! Hold thy nonsense," answered Trulliber; and then, +turning to Adams, he told him, "he would give him nothing." "I am +sorry," answered Adams, "that you do know what charity is, since you +practise it no better: I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledge +for your justification, you will find yourself deceived, though you +should add faith to it, without good works." "Fellow," cries Trulliber, +"dost thou speak against faith in my house? Get out of my doors: I will +no longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks wantonly +of faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams. +"How! not name the Scriptures! Do you disbelieve the Scriptures?" cries +Trulliber. "No; but you do," answered Adams, "if I may reason from your +practice; for their commands are so explicit, and their rewards and +punishments so immense, that it is impossible a man should stedfastly +believe without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, no duty +more frequently enjoined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void of +charity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." "I +would not advise thee," says Trulliber, "to say that I am no Christian: +I won't take it of you; for I believe I am as good a man as thyself" +(and indeed, though he was now rather too corpulent for athletic +exercises, he had, in his youth, been one of the best boxers and +cudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist, +interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a true +Christian, and take the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams to +strike, but an absolute assault on himself or his friend, he smiled at +the angry look and gestures of Trulliber; and, telling him he was sorry +to see such men in orders, departed without further ceremony. + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +_An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson Adams gave +of his forgetfulness._ + + +When he came back to the inn he found Joseph and Fanny sitting together. +They were so far from thinking his absence long, as he had feared they +would, that they never once missed or thought of him. Indeed, I have +been often assured by both, that they spent these hours in a most +delightful conversation; but, as I never could prevail on either to +relate it, so I cannot communicate it to the reader. + +Adams acquainted the lovers with the ill success of his enterprize. They +were all greatly confounded, none being able to propose any method of +departing, till Joseph at last advised calling in the hostess, and +desiring her to trust them; which Fanny said she despaired of her doing, +as she was one of the sourest-faced women she had ever beheld. + +But she was agreeably disappointed; for the hostess was no sooner asked +the question than she readily agreed; and, with a curtsy and smile, +wished them a good journey. However, lest Fanny's skill in physiognomy +should be called in question, we will venture to assign one reason +which might probably incline her to this confidence and good-humour. +When Adams said he was going to visit his brother, he had unwittingly +imposed on Joseph and Fanny, who both believed he had meant his natural +brother, and not his brother in divinity, and had so informed the +hostess, on her enquiry after him. Now Mr Trulliber had, by his +professions of piety, by his gravity, austerity, reserve, and the +opinion of his great wealth, so great an authority in his parish, that +they all lived in the utmost fear and apprehension of him. It was +therefore no wonder that the hostess, who knew it was in his option +whether she should ever sell another mug of drink, did not dare to +affront his supposed brother by denying him credit. + +They were now just on their departure when Adams recollected he had left +his greatcoat and hat at Mr Trulliber's. As he was not desirous of +renewing his visit, the hostess herself, having no servant at home, +offered to fetch it. + +This was an unfortunate expedient; for the hostess was soon undeceived +in the opinion she had entertained of Adams, whom Trulliber abused in +the grossest terms, especially when he heard he had had the assurance to +pretend to be his near relation. + +At her return, therefore, she entirely changed her note. She said, +"Folks might be ashamed of travelling about, and pretending to be what +they were not. That taxes were high, and for her part she was obliged to +pay for what she had; she could not therefore possibly, nor would she, +trust anybody; no, not her own father. That money was never scarcer, and +she wanted to make up a sum. That she expected, therefore, they should +pay their reckoning before they left the house." + +Adams was now greatly perplexed; but, as he knew that he could easily +have borrowed such a sum in his own parish, and as he knew he would have +lent it himself to any mortal in distress, so he took fresh courage, and +sallied out all round the parish, but to no purpose; he returned as +pennyless as he went, groaning and lamenting that it was possible, in a +country professing Christianity, for a wretch to starve in the midst of +his fellow-creatures who abounded. + +Whilst he was gone, the hostess, who stayed as a sort of guard with +Joseph and Fanny, entertained them with the goodness of parson +Trulliber. And, indeed, he had not only a very good character as to +other qualities in the neighbourhood, but was reputed a man of great +charity; for, though he never gave a farthing, he had always that word +in his mouth. + +Adams was no sooner returned the second time than the storm grew +exceedingly high, the hostess declaring, among other things, that, if +they offered to stir without paying her, she would soon overtake them +with a warrant. + +Plato and Aristotle, or somebody else, hath said, _that when the most +exquisite cunning fails, chance often hits the mark, and that by means +the least expected_. Virgil expresses this very boldly:-- + + _Turne, quod optanti divum promittere nemo + Auderet, volvenda dies, en! attulit ultro._ + +I would quote more great men if I could; but my memory not permitting +me, I will proceed to exemplify these observations by the following +instance:-- + +There chanced (for Adams had not cunning enough to contrive it) to be at +that time in the alehouse a fellow who had been formerly a drummer in an +Irish regiment, and now travelled the country as a pedlar. This man, +having attentively listened to the discourse of the hostess, at last +took Adams aside, and asked him what the sum was for which they were +detained. As soon as he was informed, he sighed, and said, "He was sorry +it was so much; for that he had no more than six shillings and sixpence +in his pocket, which he would lend them with all his heart." Adams gave +a caper, and cry'd out, "It would do; for that he had sixpence himself." +And thus these poor people, who could not engage the compassion of +riches and piety, were at length delivered out of their distress by the +charity of a poor pedlar. + +I shall refer it to my reader to make what observations he pleases on +this incident: it is sufficient for me to inform him that, after Adams +and his companions had returned him a thousand thanks, and told him +where he might call to be repaid, they all sallied out of the house +without any compliments from their hostess, or indeed without paying her +any; Adams declaring he would take particular care never to call there +again; and she on her side assuring them she wanted no such guests. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +_A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater +instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience +in the ways of this world._ + + +Our travellers had walked about two miles from that inn, which they had +more reason to have mistaken for a castle than Don Quixote ever had any +of those in which he sojourned, seeing they had met with such difficulty +in escaping out of its walls, when they came to a parish, and beheld a +sign of invitation hanging out. A gentleman sat smoaking a pipe at the +door, of whom Adams inquired the road, and received so courteous and +obliging an answer, accompanied with so smiling a countenance, that the +good parson, whose heart was naturally disposed to love and affection, +began to ask several other questions; particularly the name of the +parish, and who was the owner of a large house whose front they then had +in prospect. The gentleman answered as obligingly as before; and as to +the house, acquainted him it was his own. He then proceeded in the +following manner: "Sir, I presume by your habit you are a clergyman; and +as you are travelling on foot I suppose a glass of good beer will not be +disagreeable to you; and I can recommend my landlord's within as some of +the best in all this country. What say you, will you halt a little and +let us take a pipe together? there is no better tobacco in the kingdom." +This proposal was not displeasing to Adams, who had allayed his thirst +that day with no better liquor than what Mrs Trulliber's cellar had +produced; and which was indeed little superior, either in richness or +flavour, to that which distilled from those grains her generous husband +bestowed on his hogs. Having, therefore, abundantly thanked the +gentleman for his kind invitation, and bid Joseph and Fanny follow him, +he entered the alehouse, where a large loaf and cheese and a pitcher of +beer, which truly answered the character given of it, being set before +them, the three travellers fell to eating, with appetites infinitely +more voracious than are to be found at the most exquisite eating-houses +in the parish of St. James's. + +The gentleman expressed great delight in the hearty and cheerful +behaviour of Adams; and particularly in the familiarity with which he +conversed with Joseph and Fanny, whom he often called his children; a +term he explained to mean no more than his parishioners; saying, "He +looked on all those whom God had intrusted to his care to stand to him +in that relation." The gentleman, shaking him by the hand, highly +applauded those sentiments. "They are, indeed," says he, "the true +principles of a Christian divine; and I heartily wish they were +universal; but, on the contrary, I am sorry to say the parson of our +parish, instead of esteeming his poor parishioners as a part of his +family, seems rather to consider them as not of the same species with +himself. He seldom speaks to any, unless some few of the richest of +us; nay, indeed, he will not move his hat to the others. I often laugh +when I behold him on Sundays strutting along the churchyard like a +turkey-cock through rows of his parishioners, who bow to him with as +much submission, and are as unregarded, as a set of servile courtiers +by the proudest prince in Christendom. But if such temporal pride is +ridiculous, surely the spiritual is odious and detestable; if such a +puffed--up empty human bladder, strutting in princely robes, justly +moves one's derision, surely in the habit of a priest it must raise +our scorn." + +"Doubtless," answered Adams, "your opinion is right; but I hope such +examples are rare. The clergy whom I have the honour to know maintain a +different behaviour; and you will allow me, sir, that the readiness +which too many of the laity show to contemn the order may be one reason +of their avoiding too much humility." "Very true, indeed," says the +gentleman; "I find, sir, you are a man of excellent sense, and am happy +in this opportunity of knowing you; perhaps our accidental meeting may +not be disadvantageous to you neither. At present I shall only say to +you that the incumbent of this living is old and infirm, and that it is +in my gift. Doctor, give me your hand; and assure yourself of it at his +decease." Adams told him, "He was never more confounded in his life than +at his utter incapacity to make any return to such noble and unmerited +generosity." "A mere trifle, sir," cries the gentleman, "scarce worth +your acceptance; a little more than three hundred a year. I wish it was +double the value for your sake." Adams bowed, and cried from the +emotions of his gratitude; when the other asked him, "If he was married, +or had any children, besides those in the spiritual sense he had +mentioned." "Sir," replied the parson, "I have a wife and six at your +service." "That is unlucky," says the gentleman; "for I would otherwise +have taken you into my own house as my chaplain; however, I have another +in the parish (for the parsonage-house is not good enough), which I will +furnish for you. Pray, does your wife understand a dairy?" "I can't +profess she does," says Adams. "I am sorry for it," quoth the gentleman; +"I would have given you half-a-dozen cows, and very good grounds to have +maintained them." "Sir," said Adams, in an ecstasy, "you are too +liberal; indeed you are." "Not at all," cries the gentleman: "I esteem +riches only as they give me an opportunity of doing good; and I never +saw one whom I had a greater inclination to serve." At which words he +shook him heartily by the hand, and told him he had sufficient room in +his house to entertain him and his friends. Adams begged he might give +him no such trouble; that they could be very well accommodated in the +house where they were; forgetting they had not a sixpenny piece among +them. The gentleman would not be denied; and, informing himself how far +they were travelling, he said it was too long a journey to take on foot, +and begged that they would favour him by suffering him to lend them a +servant and horses; adding, withal, that, if they would do him the +pleasure of their company only two days, he would furnish them with his +coach and six. Adams, turning to Joseph, said, "How lucky is this +gentleman's goodness to you, who I am afraid would be scarce able to +hold out on your lame leg!" and then, addressing the person who made him +these liberal promises, after much bowing, he cried out, "Blessed be the +hour which first introduced me to a man of your charity! you are indeed +a Christian of the true primitive kind, and an honour to the country +wherein you live. I would willingly have taken a pilgrimage to the Holy +Land to have beheld you; for the advantages which we draw from your +goodness give me little pleasure, in comparison of what I enjoy for your +own sake when I consider the treasures you are by these means laying up +for yourself in a country that passeth not away. We will therefore, most +generous sir, accept your goodness, as well the entertainment you have +so kindly offered us at your house this evening, as the accommodation of +your horses to-morrow morning." He then began to search for his hat, as +did Joseph for his; and both they and Fanny were in order of departure, +when the gentleman, stopping short, and seeming to meditate by himself +for the space of about a minute, exclaimed thus: "Sure never anything +was so unlucky; I had forgot that my house-keeper was gone abroad, and +hath locked up all my rooms; indeed, I would break them open for you, +but shall not be able to furnish you with a bed; for she has likewise +put away all my linen. I am glad it entered into my head before I had +given you the trouble of walking there; besides, I believe you will find +better accommodations here than you expected.--Landlord, you can provide +good beds for these people, can't you?" "Yes, and please your worship," +cries the host, "and such as no lord or justice of the peace in the +kingdom need be ashamed to lie in." "I am heartily sorry," says the +gentleman, "for this disappointment. I am resolved I will never suffer +her to carry away the keys again." "Pray, sir, let it not make you +uneasy," cries Adams; "we shall do very well here; and the loan of your +horses is a favour we shall be incapable of making any return to." "Ay!" +said the squire, "the horses shall attend you here at what hour in the +morning you please;" and now, after many civilities too tedious to +enumerate, many squeezes by the hand, with most affectionate looks and +smiles at each other, and after appointing the horses at seven the next +morning, the gentleman took his leave of them, and departed to his own +house. Adams and his companions returned to the table, where the parson +smoaked another pipe, and then they all retired to rest. + +Mr Adams rose very early, and called Joseph out of his bed, between whom +a very fierce dispute ensued, whether Fanny should ride behind Joseph, +or behind the gentleman's servant; Joseph insisting on it that he was +perfectly recovered, and was as capable of taking care of Fanny as any +other person could be. But Adams would not agree to it, and declared he +would not trust her behind him; for that he was weaker than he imagined +himself to be. + +This dispute continued a long time, and had begun to be very hot, when a +servant arrived from their good friend, to acquaint them that he was +unfortunately prevented from lending them any horses; for that his groom +had, unknown to him, put his whole stable under a course of physic. + +This advice presently struck the two disputants dumb: Adams cried out, +"Was ever anything so unlucky as this poor gentleman? I protest I am +more sorry on his account than my own. You see, Joseph, how this +good-natured man is treated by his servants; one locks up his linen, +another physics his horses, and I suppose, by his being at this house +last night, the butler had locked up his cellar. Bless us! how +good-nature is used in this world! I protest I am more concerned on his +account than my own." "So am not I," cries Joseph; "not that I am much +troubled about walking on foot; all my concern is, how we shall get out +of the house, unless God sends another pedlar to redeem us. But +certainly this gentleman has such an affection for you, that he would +lend you a larger sum than we owe here, which is not above four or five +shillings." "Very true, child," answered Adams; "I will write a letter +to him, and will even venture to solicit him for three half-crowns; +there will be no harm in having two or three shillings in our pockets; +as we have full forty miles to travel, we may possibly have occasion for +them." + +Fanny being now risen, Joseph paid her a visit, and left Adams to +write his letter, which having finished, he despatched a boy with it to +the gentleman, and then seated himself by the door, lighted his pipe, +and betook himself to meditation. + +The boy staying longer than seemed to be necessary, Joseph, who with +Fanny was now returned to the parson, expressed some apprehensions that +the gentleman's steward had locked up his purse too. To which Adams +answered, "It might very possibly be, and he should wonder at no +liberties which the devil might put into the head of a wicked servant +to take with so worthy a master;" but added, "that, as the sum was so +small, so noble a gentleman would be easily able to procure it in the +parish, though he had it not in his own pocket. Indeed," says he, "if +it was four or five guineas, or any such large quantity of money, it +might be a different matter." + +They were now sat down to breakfast over some toast and ale, when the +boy returned and informed them that the gentleman was not at home. "Very +well!" cries Adams; "but why, child, did you not stay till his return? +Go back again, my good boy, and wait for his coming home; he cannot be +gone far, as his horses are all sick; and besides, he had no intention +to go abroad, for he invited us to spend this day and tomorrow at his +house. Therefore go back, child, and tarry till his return home." The +messenger departed, and was back again with great expedition, bringing +an account that the gentleman was gone a long journey, and would not be +at home again this month. At these words Adams seemed greatly +confounded, saying, "This must be a sudden accident, as the sickness or +death of a relation or some such unforeseen misfortune;" and then, +turning to Joseph, cried, "I wish you had reminded me to have borrowed +this money last night." Joseph, smiling, answered, "He was very much +deceived if the gentleman would not have found some excuse to avoid +lending it.--I own," says he, "I was never much pleased with his +professing so much kindness for you at first sight; for I have heard the +gentlemen of our cloth in London tell many such stories of their +masters. But when the boy brought the message back of his not being at +home, I presently knew what would follow; for, whenever a man of fashion +doth not care to fulfil his promises, the custom is to order his +servants that he will never be at home to the person so promised. In +London they call it denying him. I have myself denied Sir Thomas Booby +above a hundred times, and when the man hath danced attendance for about +a month or sometimes longer, he is acquainted in the end that the +gentleman is gone out of town and could do nothing in the +business."--"Good Lord!" says Adams, "what wickedness is there in the +Christian world! I profess almost equal to what I have read of the +heathens. But surely, Joseph, your suspicions of this gentleman must be +unjust, for what a silly fellow must he be who would do the devil's work +for nothing! and canst thou tell me any interest he could possibly +propose to himself by deceiving us in his professions?"--"It is not for +me," answered Joseph, "to give reasons for what men do, to a gentleman +of your learning."--"You say right," quoth Adams; "knowledge of men is +only to be learned from books; Plato and Seneca for that; and those are +authors, I am afraid, child, you never read."--"Not I, sir, truly," +answered Joseph; "all I know is, it is a maxim among the gentlemen of +our cloth, that those masters who promise the most perform the least; +and I have often heard them say they have found the largest vails in +those families where they were not promised any. But, sir, instead of +considering any farther these matters, it would be our wisest way to +contrive some method of getting out of this house; for the generous +gentleman, instead of doing us any service, hath left us the whole +reckoning to pay." Adams was going to answer, when their host came in, +and, with a kind of jeering smile, said, "Well, masters! the squire hath +not sent his horses for you yet. Laud help me! how easily some folks +make promises!"--"How!" says Adams; "have you ever known him do anything +of this kind before?"--"Ay! marry have I," answered the host: "it is no +business of mine, you know, sir, to say anything to a gentleman to his +face; but now he is not here, I will assure you, he hath not his fellow +within the three next market-towns. I own I could not help laughing when +I heard him offer you the living, for thereby hangs a good jest. I +thought he would have offered you my house next, for one is no more his +to dispose of than the other." At these words Adams, blessing himself, +declared, "He had never read of such a monster. But what vexes me most," +says he, "is, that he hath decoyed us into running up a long debt with +you, which we are not able to pay, for we have no money about us, and, +what is worse, live at such a distance, that if you should trust us, I +am afraid you would lose your money for want of our finding any +conveniency of sending it."--"Trust you, master!" says the host, "that I +will with all my heart. I honour the clergy too much to deny trusting +one of them for such a trifle; besides, I like your fear of never paying +me. I have lost many a debt in my lifetime, but was promised to be paid +them all in a very short time. I will score this reckoning for the +novelty of it. It is the first, I do assure you, of its kind. But what +say you, master, shall we have t'other pot before we part? It will waste +but a little chalk more, and if you never pay me a shilling the loss +will not ruin me." Adams liked the invitation very well, especially as +it was delivered with so hearty an accent. He shook his host by the +hand, and thanking him, said, "He would tarry another pot rather for the +pleasure of such worthy company than for the liquor;" adding, "he was +glad to find some Christians left in the kingdom, for that he almost +began to suspect that he was sojourning in a country inhabited only by +Jews and Turks." + +The kind host produced the liquor, and Joseph with Fanny retired into +the garden, where, while they solaced themselves with amorous discourse, +Adams sat down with his host; and, both filling their glasses, and +lighting their pipes, they began that dialogue which the reader will +find in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +_A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by the +disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky +catastrophe, had it not been timely prevented by the return of +the lovers._ + + +"Sir," said the host, "I assure you you are not the first to whom our +squire hath promised more than he hath performed. He is so famous for +this practice, that his word will not be taken for much by those who +know him. I remember a young fellow whom he promised his parents to make +an exciseman. The poor people, who could ill afford it, bred their son +to writing and accounts, and other learning to qualify him for the +place; and the boy held up his head above his condition with these +hopes; nor would he go to plough, nor to any other kind of work, and +went constantly drest as fine as could be, with two clean Holland shirts +a week, and this for several years; till at last he followed the squire +up to London, thinking there to mind him of his promises; but he could +never get sight of him. So that, being out of money and business, he +fell into evil company and wicked courses; and in the end came to a +sentence of transportation, the news of which broke the mother's +heart.--I will tell you another true story of him. There was a neighbour +of mine, a farmer, who had two sons whom he bred up to the business. +Pretty lads they were. Nothing would serve the squire but that the +youngest must be made a parson. Upon which he persuaded the father to +send him to school, promising that he would afterwards maintain him at +the university, and, when he was of a proper age, give him a living. But +after the lad had been seven years at school, and his father brought him +to the squire, with a letter from his master that he was fit for the +university, the squire, instead of minding his promise, or sending him +thither at his expense, only told his father that the young man was a +fine scholar, and it was pity he could not afford to keep him at Oxford +for four or five years more, by which time, if he could get him a +curacy, he might have him ordained. The farmer said, 'He was not a man +sufficient to do any such thing.'--'Why, then,' answered the squire, 'I +am very sorry you have given him so much learning; for, if he cannot get +his living by that, it will rather spoil him for anything else; and your +other son, who can hardly write his name, will do more at ploughing and +sowing, and is in a better condition, than he.' And indeed so it proved; +for the poor lad, not finding friends to maintain him in his learning, +as he had expected, and being unwilling to work, fell to drinking, +though he was a very sober lad before; and in a short time, partly with +grief, and partly with good liquor, fell into a consumption, and +died.--Nay, I can tell you more still: there was another, a young woman, +and the handsomest in all this neighbourhood, whom he enticed up to +London, promising to make her a gentlewoman to one of your women of +quality; but, instead of keeping his word, we have since heard, after +having a child by her himself, she became a common whore; then kept a +coffeehouse in Covent Garden; and a little after died of the French +distemper in a gaol.--I could tell you many more stories; but how do you +imagine he served me myself? You must know, sir, I was bred a seafaring +man, and have been many voyages; till at last I came to be master of a +ship myself, and was in a fair way of making a fortune, when I was +attacked by one of those cursed guarda-costas who took our ships before +the beginning of the war; and after a fight, wherein I lost the greater +part of my crew, my rigging being all demolished, and two shots received +between wind and water, I was forced to strike. The villains carried off +my ship, a brigantine of 150 tons--a pretty creature she was--and put me, +a man, and a boy, into a little bad pink, in which, with much ado, we at +last made Falmouth; though I believe the Spaniards did not imagine she +could possibly live a day at sea. Upon my return hither, where my wife, +who was of this country, then lived, the squire told me he was so +pleased with the defence I had made against the enemy, that he did not +fear getting me promoted to a lieutenancy of a man-of-war, if I would +accept of it; which I thankfully assured him I would. Well, sir, two or +three years passed, during which I had many repeated promises, not only +from the squire, but (as he told me) from the lords of the admiralty. He +never returned from London but I was assured I might be satisfied now, +for I was certain of the first vacancy; and, what surprizes me still, +when I reflect on it, these assurances were given me with no less +confidence, after so many disappointments, than at first. At last, sir, +growing weary, and somewhat suspicious, after so much delay, I wrote to +a friend in London, who I knew had some acquaintance at the best house +in the admiralty, and desired him to back the squire's interest; for +indeed I feared he had solicited the affair with more coldness than he +pretended. And what answer do you think my friend sent me? Truly, sir, +he acquainted me that the squire had never mentioned my name at the +admiralty in his life; and, unless I had much faithfuller interest, +advised me to give over my pretensions; which I immediately did, and, +with the concurrence of my wife, resolved to set up an alehouse, where +you are heartily welcome; and so my service to you; and may the squire, +and all such sneaking rascals, go to the devil together."--"O fie!" says +Adams, "O fie! He is indeed a wicked man; but G-- will, I hope, turn his +heart to repentance. Nay, if he could but once see the meanness of this +detestable vice; would he but once reflect that he is one of the most +scandalous as well as pernicious lyars; sure he must despise himself to +so intolerable a degree, that it would be impossible for him to continue +a moment in such a course. And to confess the truth, notwithstanding the +baseness of this character, which he hath too well deserved, he hath in +his countenance sufficient symptoms of that _bona indoles_, that +sweetness of disposition, which furnishes out a good Christian."--"Ah, +master! master!" says the host, "if you had travelled as far as I have, +and conversed with the many nations where I have traded, you would not +give any credit to a man's countenance. Symptoms in his countenance, +quotha! I would look there, perhaps, to see whether a man had the +small-pox, but for nothing else." He spoke this with so little regard to +the parson's observation, that it a good deal nettled him; and, taking +the pipe hastily from his mouth, he thus answered: "Master of mine, +perhaps I have travelled a great deal farther than you without the +assistance of a ship. Do you imagine sailing by different cities or +countries is travelling? No. + + "Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt. + +"I can go farther in an afternoon than you in a twelvemonth. What, I +suppose you have seen the Pillars of Hercules, and perhaps the walls of +Carthage. Nay, you may have heard Scylla, and seen Charybdis; you may +have entered the closet where Archimedes was found at the taking of +Syracuse. I suppose you have sailed among the Cyclades, and passed the +famous straits which take their name from the unfortunate Helle, whose +fate is sweetly described by Apollonius Rhodius; you have passed the +very spot, I conceive, where Daedalus fell into that sea, his waxen +wings being melted by the sun; you have traversed the Euxine sea, I make +no doubt; nay, you may have been on the banks of the Caspian, and called +at Colchis, to see if there is ever another golden fleece." "Not I, +truly, master," answered the host: "I never touched at any of these +places."--"But I have been at all these," replied Adams. "Then, I +suppose," cries the host, "you have been at the East Indies; for there +are no such, I will be sworn, either in the West or the Levant."--"Pray +where's the Levant?" quoth Adams; "that should be in the East Indies by +right." "Oho! you are a pretty traveller," cries the host, "and not know +the Levant! My service to you, master; you must not talk of these things +with me! you must not tip us the traveller; it won't go here." "Since +thou art so dull to misunderstand me still," quoth Adams, "I will inform +thee; the travelling I mean is in books, the only way of travelling by +which any knowledge is to be acquired. From them I learn what I asserted +just now, that nature generally imprints such a portraiture of the mind +in the countenance, that a skilful physiognomist will rarely be +deceived. I presume you have never read the story of Socrates to this +purpose, and therefore I will tell it you. A certain physiognomist +asserted of Socrates, that he plainly discovered by his features that he +was a rogue in his nature. A character so contrary to the tenour of all +this great man's actions, and the generally received opinion concerning +him, incensed the boys of Athens so that they threw stones at the +physiognomist, and would have demolished him for his ignorance, had not +Socrates himself prevented them by confessing the truth of his +observations, and acknowledging that, though he corrected his +disposition by philosophy, he was indeed naturally as inclined to vice +as had been predicated of him. Now, pray resolve me--How should a man +know this story if he had not read it?" "Well, master," said the host, +"and what signifies it whether a man knows it or no? He who goes abroad, +as I have done, will always have opportunities enough of knowing the +world without troubling his head with Socrates, or any such fellows." +"Friend," cries Adams, "if a man should sail round the world, and anchor +in every harbour of it, without learning, he would return home as +ignorant as he went out." "Lord help you!" answered the host; "there was +my boatswain, poor fellow! he could scarce either write or read, and yet +he would navigate a ship with any master of a man-of-war; and a very +pretty knowledge of trade he had too." "Trade," answered Adams, "as +Aristotle proves in his first chapter of Politics, is below a +philosopher, and unnatural as it is managed now." The host looked +stedfastly at Adams, and after a minute's silence asked him, "If he was +one of the writers of the Gazetteers? for I have heard," says he, "they +are writ by parsons." "Gazetteers!" answered Adams, "what is that?" "It +is a dirty newspaper," replied the host, "which hath been given away all +over the nation for these many years, to abuse trade and honest men, +which I would not suffer to lye on my table, though it hath been offered +me for nothing." "Not I truly," said Adams; "I never write anything but +sermons; and I assure you I am no enemy to trade, whilst it is +consistent with honesty; nay, I have always looked on the tradesman as a +very valuable member of society, and, perhaps, inferior to none but the +man of learning." "No, I believe he is not, nor to him neither," +answered the host. "Of what use would learning be in a country without +trade? What would all you parsons do to clothe your backs and feed your +bellies? Who fetches you your silks, and your linens, and your wines, +and all the other necessaries of life? I speak chiefly with regard to +the sailors." "You should say the extravagancies of life," replied the +parson; "but admit they were the necessaries, there is something more +necessary than life itself, which is provided by learning; I mean the +learning of the clergy. Who clothes you with piety, meekness, humility, +charity, patience, and all the other Christian virtues? Who feeds your +souls with the milk of brotherly love, and diets them with all the +dainty food of holiness, which at once cleanses them of all impure +carnal affections, and fattens them with the truly rich spirit of grace? +Who doth this?" "Ay, who, indeed?" cries the host; "for I do not +remember ever to have seen any such clothing or such feeding. And so, in +the mean time, master, my service to you." Adams was going to answer +with some severity, when Joseph and Fanny returned and pressed his +departure so eagerly that he would not refuse them; and so, grasping his +crabstick, he took leave of his host (neither of them being so well +pleased with each other as they had been at their first sitting down +together), and with Joseph and Fanny, who both expressed much +impatience, departed, and now all together renewed their journey. + + + + +BOOK III. + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_Matter prefatory in praise of biography._ + + +Notwithstanding the preference which may be vulgarly given to the +authority of those romance writers who entitle their books "the History +of England, the History of France, of Spain, &c.," it is most certain +that truth is to be found only in the works of those who celebrate the +lives of great men, and are commonly called biographers, as the others +should indeed be termed topographers, or chorographers; words which +might well mark the distinction between them; it being the business of +the latter chiefly to describe countries and cities, which, with the +assistance of maps, they do pretty justly, and may be depended upon; but +as to the actions and characters of men, their writings are not quite so +authentic, of which there needs no other proof than those eternal +contradictions occurring between two topographers who undertake the +history of the same country: for instance, between my Lord Clarendon and +Mr Whitelocke, between Mr Echard and Rapin, and many others; where, +facts being set forth in a different light, every reader believes as he +pleases; and, indeed, the more judicious and suspicious very justly +esteem the whole as no other than a romance, in which the writer hath +indulged a happy and fertile invention. But though these widely differ +in the narrative of facts; some ascribing victory to the one, and others +to the other party; some representing the same man as a rogue, while +others give him a great and honest character; yet all agree in the scene +where the fact is supposed to have happened, and where the person, who +is both a rogue and an honest man, lived. Now with us biographers the +case is different; the facts we deliver may be relied on, though we +often mistake the age and country wherein they happened: for, though it +may be worth the examination of critics, whether the shepherd +Chrysostom, who, as Cervantes informs us, died for love of the fair +Marcella, who hated him, was ever in Spain, will any one doubt but that +such a silly fellow hath really existed? Is there in the world such a +sceptic as to disbelieve the madness of Cardenio, the perfidy of +Ferdinand, the impertinent curiosity of Anselmo, the weakness of +Camilla, the irresolute friendship of Lothario? though perhaps, as to +the time and place where those several persons lived, that good +historian may be deplorably deficient. But the most known instance of +this kind is in the true history of Gil Blas, where the inimitable +biographer hath made a notorious blunder in the country of Dr Sangrado, +who used his patients as a vintner doth his wine-vessels, by letting out +their blood, and filling them up with water. Doth not every one, who is +the least versed in physical history, know that Spain was not the +country in which this doctor lived? The same writer hath likewise erred +in the country of his archbishop, as well as that of those great +personages whose understandings were too sublime to taste anything but +tragedy, and in many others. The same mistakes may likewise be observed +in Scarron, the Arabian Nights, the History of Marianne and le Paisan +Parvenu, and perhaps some few other writers of this class, whom I have +not read, or do not at present recollect; for I would by no means be +thought to comprehend those persons of surprizing genius, the authors of +immense romances, or the modern novel and Atalantis writers; who, +without any assistance from nature or history, record persons who never +were, or will be, and facts which never did, nor possibly can, happen; +whose heroes are of their own creation, and their brains the chaos +whence all their materials are selected. Not that such writers deserve +no honour; so far otherwise, that perhaps they merit the highest; for +what can be nobler than to be as an example of the wonderful extent of +human genius? One may apply to them what Balzac says of Aristotle, that +they are a second nature (for they have no communication with the first; +by which, authors of an inferior class, who cannot stand alone, are +obliged to support themselves as with crutches); but these of whom I am +now speaking seem to be possessed of those stilts, which the excellent +Voltaire tells us, in his letters, "carry the genius far off, but with +an regular pace." Indeed, far out of the sight of the reader, + + Beyond the realm of Chaos and old Night. + +But to return to the former class, who are contented to copy nature, +instead of forming originals from the confused heap of matter in their +own brains, is not such a book as that which records the achievements of +the renowned Don Quixote more worthy the name of a history than even +Mariana's: for, whereas the latter is confined to a particular period of +time, and to a particular nation, the former is the history of the world +in general, at least that part which is polished by laws, arts, and +sciences; and of that from the time it was first polished to this day; +nay, and forwards as long as it shall so remain? + +I shall now proceed to apply these observations to the work before us; +for indeed I have set them down principally to obviate some +constructions which the good nature of mankind, who are always forward +to see their friends' virtues recorded, may put to particular parts. I +question not but several of my readers will know the lawyer in the +stage-coach the moment they hear his voice. It is likewise odds but the +wit and the prude meet with some of their acquaintance, as well as all +the rest of my characters. To prevent, therefore, any such malicious +applications, I declare here, once for all, I describe not men, but +manners; not an individual, but a species. Perhaps it will be answered, +Are not the characters then taken from life? To which I answer in the +affirmative; nay, I believe I might aver that I have writ little more +than I have seen. The lawyer is not only alive, but hath been so these +four thousand years; and I hope G-- will indulge his life as many yet to +come. He hath not indeed confined himself to one profession, one +religion, or one country; but when the first mean selfish creature +appeared on the human stage, who made self the centre of the whole +creation, would give himself no pain, incur no danger, advance no money, +to assist or preserve his fellow-creatures; then was our lawyer born; +and, whilst such a person as I have described exists on earth, so long +shall he remain upon it. It is, therefore, doing him little honour to +imagine he endeavours to mimick some little obscure fellow, because he +happens to resemble him in one particular feature, or perhaps in his +profession; whereas his appearance in the world is calculated for much +more general and noble purposes; not to expose one pitiful wretch to the +small and contemptible circle of his acquaintance; but to hold the glass +to thousands in their closets, that they may contemplate their +deformity, and endeavour to reduce it, and thus by suffering private +mortification may avoid public shame. This places the boundary between, +and distinguishes the satirist from the libeller: for the former +privately corrects the fault for the benefit of the person, like a +parent; the latter publickly exposes the person himself, as an example +to others, like an executioner. + +There are besides little circumstances to be considered; as the drapery +of a picture, which though fashion varies at different times, the +resemblance of the countenance is not by those means diminished. Thus I +believe we may venture to say Mrs Tow-wouse is coeval with our lawyer: +and, though perhaps, during the changes which so long an existence must +have passed through, she may in her turn have stood behind the bar at an +inn, I will not scruple to affirm she hath likewise in the revolution of +ages sat on a throne. In short, where extreme turbulency of temper, +avarice, and an insensibility of human misery, with a degree of +hypocrisy, have united in a female composition, Mrs Tow-wouse was that +woman; and where a good inclination, eclipsed by a poverty of spirit and +understanding, hath glimmered forth in a man, that man hath been no +other than her sneaking husband. + +I shall detain my reader no longer than to give him one caution more of +an opposite kind: for, as in most of our particular characters we mean +not to lash individuals, but all of the like sort, so, in our general +descriptions, we mean not universals, but would be understood with many +exceptions: for instance, in our description of high people, we cannot +be intended to include such as, whilst they are an honour to their high +rank, by a well-guided condescension make their superiority as easy as +possible to those whom fortune chiefly hath placed below them. Of this +number I could name a peer no less elevated by nature than by fortune; +who, whilst he wears the noblest ensigns of honour on his person, bears +the truest stamp of dignity on his mind, adorned with greatness, +enriched with knowledge, and embellished with genius. I have seen this +man relieve with generosity, while he hath conversed with freedom, and +be to the same person a patron and a companion. I could name a commoner, +raised higher above the multitude by superior talents than is in the +power of his prince to exalt him, whose behaviour to those he hath +obliged is more amiable than the obligation itself; and who is so great +a master of affability, that, if he could divest himself of an inherent +greatness in his manner, would often make the lowest of his acquaintance +forget who was the master of that palace in which they are so +courteously entertained. These are pictures which must be, I believe, +known: I declare they are taken from the life, and not intended to +exceed it. By those high people, therefore, whom I have described, I +mean a set of wretches, who, while they are a disgrace to their +ancestors, whose honours and fortunes they inherit (or perhaps a greater +to their mother, for such degeneracy is scarce credible), have the +insolence to treat those with disregard who are at least equal to the +founders of their own splendor. It is, I fancy, impossible to conceive a +spectacle more worthy of our indignation, than that of a fellow, who is +not only a blot in the escutcheon of a great family, but a scandal to +the human species, maintaining a supercilious behaviour to men who are +an honour to their nature and a disgrace to their fortune. + +And now, reader, taking these hints along with you, you may, if you +please, proceed to the sequel of this our true history. + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel Adams and his +fellow-travellers._ + + +It was so late when our travellers left the inn or alehouse (for it +might be called either), that they had not travelled many miles before +night overtook them, or met them, which you please. The reader must +excuse me if I am not particular as to the way they took; for, as we are +now drawing near the seat of the Boobies, and as that is a ticklish +name, which malicious persons may apply, according to their evil +inclinations, to several worthy country squires, a race of men whom we +look upon as entirely inoffensive, and for whom we have an adequate +regard, we shall lend no assistance to any such malicious purposes. + +Darkness had now overspread the hemisphere, when Fanny whispered Joseph +"that she begged to rest herself a little; for that she was so tired +she could walk no farther." Joseph immediately prevailed with parson +Adams, who was as brisk as a bee, to stop. He had no sooner seated +himself than he lamented the loss of his dear Aeschylus; but was a +little comforted when reminded that, if he had it in his possession, he +could not see to read. + +The sky was so clouded, that not a star appeared. It was indeed, +according to Milton, darkness visible. This was a circumstance, however, +very favourable to Joseph; for Fanny, not suspicious of being overseen +by Adams, gave a loose to her passion which she had never done before, +and, reclining her head on his bosom, threw her arm carelessly round +him, and suffered him to lay his cheek close to hers. All this infused +such happiness into Joseph, that he would not have changed his turf for +the finest down in the finest palace in the universe. + +Adams sat at some distance from the lovers, and, being unwilling to +disturb them, applied himself to meditation; in which he had not +spent much time before he discovered a light at some distance that +seemed approaching towards him. He immediately hailed it; but, to his +sorrow and surprize, it stopped for a moment, and then disappeared. +He then called to Joseph, asking him, "if he had not seen the light?" +Joseph answered, "he had."--"And did you not mark how it vanished?" +returned he: "though I am not afraid of ghosts, I do not absolutely +disbelieve them." + +He then entered into a meditation on those unsubstantial beings; which +was soon interrupted by several voices, which he thought almost at his +elbow, though in fact they were not so extremely near. However, he could +distinctly hear them agree on the murder of any one they met; and a +little after heard one of them say, "he had killed a dozen since that +day fortnight." + +Adams now fell on his knees, and committed himself to the care of +Providence; and poor Fanny, who likewise heard those terrible words, +embraced Joseph so closely, that had not he, whose ears were also open, +been apprehensive on her account, he would have thought no danger which +threatened only himself too dear a price for such embraces. + +Joseph now drew forth his penknife, and Adams, having finished his +ejaculations, grasped his crab-stick, his only weapon, and, coming up to +Joseph, would have had him quit Fanny, and place her in the rear; but +his advice was fruitless; she clung closer to him, not at all regarding +the presence of Adams, and in a soothing voice declared, "she would die +in his arms." Joseph, clasping her with inexpressible eagerness, +whispered her, "that he preferred death in hers to life out of them." +Adams, brandishing his crabstick, said, "he despised death as much as +any man," and then repeated aloud-- + + "Est hic, est animus lucis contemptor et illum, + Qui vita bene credat emi quo tendis, honorem." + +Upon this the voices ceased for a moment, and then one of them called +out, "D--n you, who is there?" To which Adams was prudent enough to make +no reply; and of a sudden he observed half-a-dozen lights, which seemed +to rise all at once from the ground and advance briskly towards him. +This he immediately concluded to be an apparition; and now, beginning to +conceive that the voices were of the same kind, he called out, "In the +name of the L--d, what wouldst thou have?" He had no sooner spoke than +he heard one of the voices cry out, "D--n them, here they come;" and +soon after heard several hearty blows, as if a number of men had been +engaged at quarterstaff. He was just advancing towards the place of +combat, when Joseph, catching him by the skirts, begged him that they +might take the opportunity of the dark to convey away Fanny from the +danger which threatened her. He presently complied, and, Joseph lifting +up Fanny, they all three made the best of their way; and without looking +behind them, or being overtaken, they had travelled full two miles, poor +Fanny not once complaining of being tired, when they saw afar off +several lights scattered at a small distance from each other, and at the +same time found themselves on the descent of a very steep hill. Adams's +foot slipping, he instantly disappeared, which greatly frightened both +Joseph and Fanny: indeed, if the light had permitted them to see it, +they would scarce have refrained laughing to see the parson rolling down +the hill; which he did from top to bottom, without receiving any harm. +He then hollowed as loud as he could, to inform them of his safety, and +relieve them from the fears which they had conceived for him. Joseph and +Fanny halted some time, considering what to do; at last they advanced a +few paces, where the declivity seemed least steep; and then Joseph, +taking his Fanny in his arms, walked firmly down the hill, without +making a false step, and at length landed her at the bottom, where Adams +soon came to them. + +Learn hence, my fair countrywomen, to consider your own weakness, and +the many occasions on which the strength of a man may be useful to you; +and, duly weighing this, take care that you match not yourselves with +the spindle-shanked beaus and _petit-maitres_ of the age, who, instead +of being able, like Joseph Andrews, to carry you in lusty arms through +the rugged ways and downhill steeps of life, will rather want to support +their feeble limbs with your strength and assistance. + +Our travellers now moved forwards where the nearest light presented +itself; and, having crossed a common field, they came to a meadow, where +they seemed to be at a very little distance from the light, when, to +their grief, they arrived at the banks of a river. Adams here made a +full stop, and declared he could swim, but doubted how it was possible +to get Fanny over: to which Joseph answered, "If they walked along its +banks, they might be certain of soon finding a bridge, especially as by +the number of lights they might be assured a parish was near." "Odso, +that's true indeed," said Adams; "I did not think of that." + +Accordingly, Joseph's advice being taken, they passed over two meadows, +and came to a little orchard, which led them to a house. Fanny begged of +Joseph to knock at the door, assuring him "she was so weary that she +could hardly stand on her feet." Adams, who was foremost, performed this +ceremony; and, the door being immediately opened, a plain kind of man +appeared at it: Adams acquainted him "that they had a young woman with +them who was so tired with her journey that he should be much obliged to +him if he would suffer her to come in and rest herself." The man, who +saw Fanny by the light of the candle which he held in his hand, +perceiving her innocent and modest look, and having no apprehensions +from the civil behaviour of Adams, presently answered, "That the young +woman was very welcome to rest herself in his house, and so were her +company." He then ushered them into a very decent room, where his wife +was sitting at a table: she immediately rose up, and assisted them in +setting forth chairs, and desired them to sit down; which they had no +sooner done than the man of the house asked them if they would have +anything to refresh themselves with? Adams thanked him, and answered he +should be obliged to him for a cup of his ale, which was likewise chosen +by Joseph and Fanny. Whilst he was gone to fill a very large jug with +this liquor, his wife told Fanny she seemed greatly fatigued, and +desired her to take something stronger than ale; but she refused with +many thanks, saying it was true she was very much tired, but a little +rest she hoped would restore her. As soon as the company were all +seated, Mr Adams, who had filled himself with ale, and by public +permission had lighted his pipe, turned to the master of the house, +asking him, "If evil spirits did not use to walk in that neighbourhood?" +To which receiving no answer, he began to inform him of the adventure +which they met with on the downs; nor had he proceeded far in the story +when somebody knocked very hard at the door. The company expressed some +amazement, and Fanny and the good woman turned pale: her husband went +forth, and whilst he was absent, which was some time, they all remained +silent, looking at one another, and heard several voices discoursing +pretty loudly. Adams was fully persuaded that spirits were abroad, and +began to meditate some exorcisms; Joseph a little inclined to the same +opinion; Fanny was more afraid of men; and the good woman herself began +to suspect her guests, and imagined those without were rogues belonging +to their gang. At length the master of the house returned, and, +laughing, told Adams he had discovered his apparition; that the +murderers were sheep-stealers, and the twelve persons murdered were no +other than twelve sheep; adding, that the shepherds had got the better +of them, had secured two, and were proceeding with them to a justice of +peace. This account greatly relieved the fears of the whole company; but +Adams muttered to himself, "He was convinced of the truth of apparitions +for all that." + +They now sat chearfully round the fire, till the master of the house, +having surveyed his guests, and conceiving that the cassock, which, +having fallen down, appeared under Adams's greatcoat, and the shabby +livery on Joseph Andrews, did not well suit with the familiarity +between them, began to entertain some suspicions not much to their +advantage: addressing himself therefore to Adams, he said, "He +perceived he was a clergyman by his dress, and supposed that honest man +was his footman." "Sir," answered Adams, "I am a clergyman at your +service; but as to that young man, whom you have rightly termed honest, +he is at present in nobody's service; he never lived in any other +family than that of Lady Booby, from whence he was discharged, I assure +you, for no crime." Joseph said, "He did not wonder the gentleman was +surprized to see one of Mr Adams's character condescend to so much +goodness with a poor man."--"Child," said Adams, "I should be ashamed +of my cloth if I thought a poor man, who is honest, below my notice or +my familiarity. I know not how those who think otherwise can profess +themselves followers and servants of Him who made no distinction, +unless, peradventure, by preferring the poor to the rich.--Sir," said +he, addressing himself to the gentleman, "these two poor young people +are my parishioners, and I look on them and love them as my children. +There is something singular enough in their history, but I have not now +time to recount it." The master of the house, notwithstanding the +simplicity which discovered itself in Adams, knew too much of the world +to give a hasty belief to professions. He was not yet quite certain +that Adams had any more of the clergyman in him than his cassock. To +try him therefore further, he asked him, "If Mr Pope had lately +published anything new?" Adams answered, "He had heard great +commendations of that poet, but that he had never read nor knew any of +his works."--"Ho! ho!" says the gentleman to himself, "have I caught +you? What!" said he, "have you never seen his Homer?" Adams answered, +"he had never read any translation of the classicks." "Why, truly," +reply'd the gentleman, "there is a dignity in the Greek language which +I think no modern tongue can reach."--"Do you understand Greek, sir?" +said Adams hastily. "A little, sir," answered the gentleman. "Do you +know, sir," cry'd Adams, "where I can buy an Aeschylus? an unlucky +misfortune lately happened to mine." Aeschylus was beyond the +gentleman, though he knew him very well by name; he therefore, +returning back to Homer, asked Adams, "What part of the Iliad he +thought most excellent?" Adams returned, "His question would be +properer, What kind of beauty was the chief in poetry? for that Homer +was equally excellent in them all. And, indeed," continued he, "what +Cicero says of a complete orator may well be applied to a great poet: +'He ought to comprehend all perfections.' Homer did this in the most +excellent degree; it is not without reason, therefore, that the +philosopher, in the twenty-second chapter of his Poeticks, mentions him +by no other appellation than that of the Poet. He was the father of the +drama as well as the epic; not of tragedy only, but of comedy also; for +his Margites, which is deplorably lost, bore, says Aristotle, the same +analogy to comedy as his Odyssey and Iliad to tragedy. To him, +therefore, we owe Aristophanes as well as Euripides, Sophocles, and my +poor Aeschylus. But if you please we will confine ourselves (at least +for the present) to the Iliad, his noblest work; though neither +Aristotle nor Horace give it the preference, as I remember, to the +Odyssey. First, then, as to his subject, can anything be more simple, +and at the same time more noble? He is rightly praised by the first of +those judicious critics for not chusing the whole war, which, though he +says it hath a complete beginning and end, would have been too great +for the understanding to comprehend at one view. I have, therefore, +often wondered why so correct a writer as Horace should, in his epistle +to Lollius, call him the Trojani Belli Scriptorem. Secondly, his +action, termed by Aristotle, Pragmaton Systasis; is it possible for the +mind of man to conceive an idea of such perfect unity, and at the same +time so replete with greatness? And here I must observe, what I do not +remember to have seen noted by any, the Harmotton, that agreement of +his action to his subject: for, as the subject is anger, how agreeable +is his action, which is war; from which every incident arises and to +which every episode immediately relates. Thirdly, his manners, which +Aristotle places second in his description of the several parts of +tragedy, and which he says are included in the action; I am at a loss +whether I should rather admire the exactness of his judgment in the +nice distinction or the immensity of his imagination in their variety. +For, as to the former of these, how accurately is the sedate, injured +resentment of Achilles, distinguished from the hot, insulting passion +of Agamemnon! How widely doth the brutal courage of Ajax differ from +the amiable bravery of Diomedes; and the wisdom of Nestor, which is the +result of long reflection and experience, from the cunning of Ulysses, +the effect of art and subtlety only! If we consider their variety, we +may cry out, with Aristotle in his 24th chapter, that no part of this +divine poem is destitute of manners. Indeed, I might affirm that there +is scarce a character in human nature untouched in some part or other. +And, as there is no passion which he is not able to describe, so is +there none in his reader which he cannot raise. If he hath any superior +excellence to the rest, I have been inclined to fancy it is in the +pathetic. I am sure I never read with dry eyes the two episodes where +Andromache is introduced in the former lamenting the danger, and in the +latter the death, of Hector. The images are so extremely tender in +these, that I am convinced the poet had the worthiest and best heart +imaginable. Nor can I help observing how Sophocles falls short of the +beauties of the original, in that imitation of the dissuasive speech of +Andromache which he hath put into the mouth of Tecmessa. And yet +Sophocles was the greatest genius who ever wrote tragedy; nor have any +of his successors in that art, that is to say, neither Euripides nor +Seneca the tragedian, been able to come near him. As to his sentiments +and diction, I need say nothing; the former are particularly remarkable +for the utmost perfection on that head, namely, propriety; and as to +the latter, Aristotle, whom doubtless you have read over and over, is +very diffuse. I shall mention but one thing more, which that great +critic in his division of tragedy calls Opsis, or the scenery; and +which is as proper to the epic as to the drama, with this difference, +that in the former it falls to the share of the poet, and in the latter +to that of the painter. But did ever painter imagine a scene like that +in the 13th and 14th Iliads? where the reader sees at one view the +prospect of Troy, with the army drawn up before it; the Grecian army, +camp, and fleet; Jupiter sitting on Mount Ida, with his head wrapt in a +cloud, and a thunderbolt in his hand, looking towards Thrace; Neptune +driving through the sea, which divides on each side to permit his +passage, and then seating himself on Mount Samos; the heavens opened, +and the deities all seated on their thrones. This is sublime! This is +poetry!" Adams then rapt out a hundred Greek verses, and with such a +voice, emphasis, and action, that he almost frightened the women; and +as for the gentleman, he was so far from entertaining any further +suspicion of Adams, that he now doubted whether he had not a bishop in +his house. He ran into the most extravagant encomiums on his learning; +and the goodness of his heart began to dilate to all the strangers. He +said he had great compassion for the poor young woman, who looked pale +and faint with her journey; and in truth he conceived a much higher +opinion of her quality than it deserved. He said he was sorry he could +not accommodate them all; but if they were contented with his fireside, +he would sit up with the men; and the young woman might, if she +pleased, partake his wife's bed, which he advised her to; for that they +must walk upwards of a mile to any house of entertainment, and that not +very good neither. Adams, who liked his seat, his ale, his tobacco, and +his company, persuaded Fanny to accept this kind proposal, in which +sollicitation he was seconded by Joseph. Nor was she very difficultly +prevailed on; for she had slept little the last night and not at all +the preceding; so that love itself was scarce able to keep her eyes +open any longer. The offer, therefore, being kindly accepted, the good +woman produced everything eatable in her house on the table, and the +guests, being heartily invited, as heartily regaled themselves, +especially parson Adams. As to the other two, they were examples of the +truth of that physical observation, that love, like other sweet things, +is no whetter of the stomach. + +Supper was no sooner ended, than Fanny at her own request retired, and +the good woman bore her company. The man of the house, Adams, and +Joseph, who would modestly have withdrawn, had not the gentleman +insisted on the contrary, drew round the fireside, where Adams (to use +his own words) replenished his pipe, and the gentleman produced a bottle +of excellent beer, being the best liquor in his house. + +The modest behaviour of Joseph, with the gracefulness of his person, the +character which Adams gave of him, and the friendship he seemed to +entertain for him, began to work on the gentleman's affections, and +raised in him a curiosity to know the singularity which Adams had +mentioned in his history. This curiosity Adams was no sooner informed of +than, with Joseph's consent, he agreed to gratify it; and accordingly +related all he knew, with as much tenderness as was possible for the +character of Lady Booby; and concluded with the long, faithful, and +mutual passion between him and Fanny, not concealing the meanness of her +birth and education. These latter circumstances entirely cured a +jealousy which had lately risen in the gentleman's mind, that Fanny was +the daughter of some person of fashion, and that Joseph had run away +with her, and Adams was concerned in the plot. He was now enamoured of +his guests, drank their healths with great chearfulness, and returned +many thanks to Adams, who had spent much breath, for he was a +circumstantial teller of a story. + +Adams told him it was now in his power to return that favour; for his +extraordinary goodness, as well as that fund of literature he was master +of,[A] which he did not expect to find under such a roof, had raised in +him more curiosity than he had ever known. "Therefore," said he, "if it +be not too troublesome, sir, your history, if you please." + +[A] The author hath by some been represented to have made a blunder + here: for Adams had indeed shown some learning (say they), perhaps + all the author had; but the gentleman hath shown none, unless his + approbation of Mr Adams be such: but surely it would be preposterous + in him to call it so. I have, however, notwithstanding this + criticism, which I am told came from the mouth of a great orator in + a public coffee-house, left this blunder as it stood in the first + edition. I will not have the vanity to apply to anything in this + work the observation which M. Dacier makes in her preface to her + Aristophanes: _Je tiens pour une maxime constante, qu'une beaute + mediocre plait plus generalement qu'une beaute sans defaut._ Mr + Congreve hath made such another blunder in his Love for Love, where + Tattle tells Miss Prue, "She should admire him as much for the + beauty he commends in her as if he himself was possessed of it." + +The gentleman answered, he could not refuse him what he had so much +right to insist on; and after some of the common apologies, which are +the usual preface to a story, he thus began. + + + +CHAPTER III. + +_In which the gentleman relates the history of his life._ + + +Sir, I am descended of a good family, and was born a gentleman. My +education was liberal, and at a public school, in which I proceeded so +far as to become master of the Latin, and to be tolerably versed in the +Greek language. My father died when I was sixteen, and left me master of +myself. He bequeathed me a moderate fortune, which he intended I should +not receive till I attained the age of twenty-five: for he constantly +asserted that was full early enough to give up any man entirely to the +guidance of his own discretion. However, as this intention was so +obscurely worded in his will that the lawyers advised me to contest the +point with my trustees, I own I paid so little regard to the +inclinations of my dead father, which were sufficiently certain to me, +that I followed their advice, and soon succeeded, for the trustees did +not contest the matter very obstinately on their side. "Sir," said +Adams, "may I crave the favour of your name?" The gentleman answered his +name was Wilson, and then proceeded. + +I stayed a very little while at school after his death; for, being a +forward youth, I was extremely impatient to be in the world, for which I +thought my parts, knowledge, and manhood thoroughly qualified me. And to +this early introduction into life, without a guide, I impute all my +future misfortunes; for, besides the obvious mischiefs which attend +this, there is one which hath not been so generally observed: the first +impression which mankind receives of you will be very difficult to +eradicate. How unhappy, therefore, must it be to fix your character in +life, before you can possibly know its value, or weigh the consequences +of those actions which are to establish your future reputation! + +A little under seventeen I left my school, and went to London with no +more than six pounds in my pocket; a great sum, as I then conceived; and +which I was afterwards surprized to find so soon consumed. + +The character I was ambitious of attaining was that of a fine gentleman; +the first requisites to which I apprehended were to be supplied by a +taylor, a periwig-maker, and some few more tradesmen, who deal in +furnishing out the human body. Notwithstanding the lowness of my purse, +I found credit with them more easily than I expected, and was soon +equipped to my wish. This I own then agreeably surprized me; but I have +since learned that it is a maxim among many tradesmen at the polite end +of the town to deal as largely as they can, reckon as high as they can, +and arrest as soon as they can. + +The next qualifications, namely, dancing, fencing, riding the great +horse, and music, came into my head: but, as they required expense and +time, I comforted myself, with regard to dancing, that I had learned a +little in my youth, and could walk a minuet genteelly enough; as to +fencing, I thought my good-humour would preserve me from the danger of a +quarrel; as to the horse, I hoped it would not be thought of; and for +music, I imagined I could easily acquire the reputation of it; for I had +heard some of my schoolfellows pretend to knowledge in operas, without +being able to sing or play on the fiddle. + +Knowledge of the town seemed another ingredient; this I thought I should +arrive at by frequenting public places. Accordingly I paid constant +attendance to them all; by which means I was soon master of the +fashionable phrases, learned to cry up the fashionable diversions, and +knew the names and faces of the most fashionable men and women. + +Nothing now seemed to remain but an intrigue, which I was resolved to +have immediately; I mean the reputation of it; and indeed I was so +successful, that in a very short time I had half-a-dozen with the finest +women in town. + +At these words Adams fetched a deep groan, and then, blessing himself, +cried out, "Good Lord! what wicked times these are!" + +Not so wicked as you imagine, continued the gentleman; for I assure you +they were all vestal virgins for anything which I knew to the contrary. +The reputation of intriguing with them was all I sought, and was what I +arrived at: and perhaps I only flattered myself even in that; for very +probably the persons to whom I showed their billets knew as well as I +that they were counterfeits, and that I had written them to myself. +"Write letters to yourself!" said Adams, staring. O sir, answered the +gentleman, it is the very error of the times. Half our modern plays have +one of these characters in them. It is incredible the pains I have +taken, and the absurd methods I employed, to traduce the character of +women of distinction. When another had spoken in raptures of any one, I +have answered, "D--n her, she! We shall have her at H----d's very soon." +When he hath replied, "He thought her virtuous," I have answered, "Ay, +thou wilt always think a woman virtuous, till she is in the streets; but +you and I, Jack or Tom (turning to another in company), know better." At +which I have drawn a paper out of my pocket, perhaps a taylor's bill, +and kissed it, crying at the same time, "By Gad I was once fond of her." + +"Proceed, if you please, but do not swear any more," said Adams. + +Sir, said the gentleman, I ask your pardon. Well, sir, in this course of +life I continued full three years.--"What course of life?" answered +Adams; "I do not remember you have mentioned any."--Your remark is just, +said the gentleman, smiling; I should rather have said, in this course +of doing nothing. I remember some time afterwards I wrote the journal of +one day, which would serve, I believe, as well for any other during the +whole time. I will endeavour to repeat it to you. + +In the morning I arose, took my great stick, and walked out in my green +frock, with my hair in papers (a groan from Adams), and sauntered about +till ten. Went to the auction; told lady ---- she had a dirty face; +laughed heartily at something captain ---- said, I can't remember what, +for I did not very well hear it; whispered lord ----; bowed to the duke +of ----; and was going to bid for a snuff-box, but did not, for fear I +should have had it. + + From 2 to 4, drest myself. _A groan._ + 4 to 6, dined. _A groan._ + 6 to 8, coffee-house. + 8 to 9, Drury-lane playhouse. + 9 to 10, Lincoln's Inn Fields. + 10 to 12, Drawing-room. _A great groan._ + +At all which places nothing happened worth remark. + +At which Adams said, with some vehemence, "Sir, this is below the life +of an animal, hardly above vegetation: and I am surprized what could +lead a man of your sense into it." What leads us into more follies than +you imagine, doctor, answered the gentleman--vanity; for as contemptible +a creature as I was, and I assure you, yourself cannot have more +contempt for such a wretch than I now have, I then admired myself, and +should have despised a person of your present appearance (you will +pardon me), with all your learning and those excellent qualities which I +have remarked in you. Adams bowed, and begged him to proceed. After I +had continued two years in this course of life, said the gentleman, an +accident happened which obliged me to change the scene. As I was one day +at St James's coffee-house, making very free with the character of a +young lady of quality, an officer of the guards, who was present, +thought proper to give me the lye. I answered I might possibly be +mistaken, but I intended to tell no more than the truth. To which he +made no reply but by a scornful sneer. After this I observed a strange +coldness in all my acquaintance; none of them spoke to me first, and +very few returned me even the civility of a bow. The company I used to +dine with left me out, and within a week I found myself in as much +solitude at St James's as if I had been in a desart. An honest elderly +man, with a great hat and long sword, at last told me he had a +compassion for my youth, and therefore advised me to show the world I +was not such a rascal as they thought me to be. I did not at first +understand him; but he explained himself, and ended with telling me, if +I would write a challenge to the captain, he would, out of pure charity, +go to him with it. "A very charitable person, truly!" cried Adams. I +desired till the next day, continued the gentleman, to consider on it, +and, retiring to my lodgings, I weighed the consequences on both sides +as fairly as I could. On the one, I saw the risk of this alternative, +either losing my own life, or having on my hands the blood of a man with +whom I was not in the least angry. I soon determined that the good which +appeared on the other was not worth this hazard. I therefore resolved to +quit the scene, and presently retired to the Temple, where I took +chambers. Here I soon got a fresh set of acquaintance, who knew nothing +of what had happened to me. Indeed, they were not greatly to my +approbation; for the beaus of the Temple are only the shadows of the +others. They are the affectation of affectation. The vanity of these is +still more ridiculous, if possible, than of the others. Here I met with +smart fellows who drank with lords they did not know, and intrigued with +women they never saw. Covent Garden was now the farthest stretch of my +ambition; where I shone forth in the balconies at the playhouses, +visited whores, made love to orange-wenches, and damned plays. This +career was soon put a stop to by my surgeon, who convinced me of the +necessity of confining myself to my room for a month. At the end of +which, having had leisure to reflect, I resolved to quit all farther +conversation with beaus and smarts of every kind, and to avoid, if +possible, any occasion of returning to this place of confinement. "I +think," said Adams, "the advice of a month's retirement and reflection +was very proper; but I should rather have expected it from a divine than +a surgeon." The gentleman smiled at Adams's simplicity, and, without +explaining himself farther on such an odious subject, went on thus: I +was no sooner perfectly restored to health than I found my passion for +women, which I was afraid to satisfy as I had done, made me very uneasy; +I determined, therefore, to keep a mistress. Nor was I long before I +fixed my choice on a young woman, who had before been kept by two +gentlemen, and to whom I was recommended by a celebrated bawd. I took +her home to my chambers, and made her a settlement during cohabitation. +This would, perhaps, have been very ill paid: however, she did not +suffer me to be perplexed on that account; for, before quarter-day, I +found her at my chambers in too familiar conversation with a young +fellow who was drest like an officer, but was indeed a city apprentice. +Instead of excusing her inconstancy, she rapped out half-a-dozen oaths, +and, snapping her fingers at me, swore she scorned to confine herself to +the best man in England. Upon this we parted, and the same bawd +presently provided her another keeper. I was not so much concerned at +our separation as I found, within a day or two, I had reason to be for +our meeting; for I was obliged to pay a second visit to my surgeon. I +was now forced to do penance for some weeks, during which time I +contracted an acquaintance with a beautiful young girl, the daughter of +a gentleman who, after having been forty years in the army, and in all +the campaigns under the Duke of Marlborough, died a lieutenant on +half-pay, and had left a widow, with this only child, in very distrest +circumstances: they had only a small pension from the government, with +what little the daughter could add to it by her work, for she had great +excellence at her needle. This girl was, at my first acquaintance with +her, solicited in marriage by a young fellow in good circumstances. He +was apprentice to a linendraper, and had a little fortune, sufficient to +set up his trade. The mother was greatly pleased with this match, as +indeed she had sufficient reason. However, I soon prevented it. I +represented him in so low a light to his mistress, and made so good an +use of flattery, promises, and presents, that, not to dwell longer on +this subject than is necessary, I prevailed with the poor girl, and +conveyed her away from her mother! In a word, I debauched her.--(At +which words Adams started up, fetched three strides across the room, and +then replaced himself in his chair.) You are not more affected with this +part of my story than myself; I assure you it will never be sufficiently +repented of in my own opinion: but, if you already detest it, how much +more will your indignation be raised when you hear the fatal +consequences of this barbarous, this villanous action! If you please, +therefore, I will here desist.--"By no means," cries Adams; "go on, I +beseech you; and Heaven grant you may sincerely repent of this and many +other things you have related!"--I was now, continued the gentleman, as +happy as the possession of a fine young creature, who had a good +education, and was endued with many agreeable qualities, could make me. +We lived some months with vast fondness together, without any company or +conversation, more than we found in one another: but this could not +continue always; and, though I still preserved great affection for her, +I began more and more to want the relief of other company, and +consequently to leave her by degrees--at last whole days to herself. She +failed not to testify some uneasiness on these occasions, and complained +of the melancholy life she led; to remedy which, I introduced her into +the acquaintance of some other kept mistresses, with whom she used to +play at cards, and frequent plays and other diversions. She had not +lived long in this intimacy before I perceived a visible alteration in +her behaviour; all her modesty and innocence vanished by degrees, till +her mind became thoroughly tainted. She affected the company of rakes, +gave herself all manner of airs, was never easy but abroad, or when she +had a party at my chambers. She was rapacious of money, extravagant to +excess, loose in her conversation; and, if ever I demurred to any of her +demands, oaths, tears, and fits were the immediate consequences. As the +first raptures of fondness were long since over, this behaviour soon +estranged my affections from her; I began to reflect with pleasure that +she was not my wife, and to conceive an intention of parting with her; +of which, having given her a hint, she took care to prevent me the pains +of turning her out of doors, and accordingly departed herself, having +first broken open my escrutore, and taken with her all she could find, +to the amount of about L200. In the first heat of my resentment I +resolved to pursue her with all the vengeance of the law: but, as she +had the good luck to escape me during that ferment, my passion +afterwards cooled; and, having reflected that I had been the first +aggressor, and had done her an injury for which I could make her no +reparation, by robbing her of the innocence of her mind; and hearing at +the same time that the poor old woman her mother had broke her heart on +her daughter's elopement from her, I, concluding myself her murderer +("As you very well might," cries Adams, with a groan), was pleased that +God Almighty had taken this method of punishing me, and resolved quietly +to submit to the loss. Indeed, I could wish I had never heard more of +the poor creature, who became in the end an abandoned profligate; and, +after being some years a common prostitute, at last ended her miserable +life in Newgate.--Here the gentleman fetched a deep sigh, which Mr Adams +echoed very loudly; and both continued silent, looking on each other for +some minutes. At last the gentleman proceeded thus: I had been perfectly +constant to this girl during the whole time I kept her: but she had +scarce departed before I discovered more marks of her infidelity to me +than the loss of my money. In short, I was forced to make a third visit +to my surgeon, out of whose hands I did not get a hasty discharge. + + +I now forswore all future dealings with the sex, complained loudly that +the pleasure did not compensate the pain, and railed at the beautiful +creatures in as gross language as Juvenal himself formerly reviled them +in. I looked on all the town harlots with a detestation not easy to be +conceived, their persons appeared to me as painted palaces, inhabited by +Disease and Death: nor could their beauty make them more desirable +objects in my eyes than gilding could make me covet a pill, or golden +plates a coffin. But though I was no longer the absolute slave, I found +some reasons to own myself still the subject, of love. My hatred for +women decreased daily; and I am not positive but time might have +betrayed me again to some common harlot, had I not been secured by a +passion for the charming Sapphira, which, having once entered upon, made +a violent progress in my heart. Sapphira was wife to a man of fashion +and gallantry, and one who seemed, I own, every way worthy of her +affections; which, however, he had not the reputation of having. She was +indeed a coquette _achevee_. "Pray, sir," says Adams, "what is a +coquette? I have met with the word in French authors, but never could +assign any idea to it. I believe it is the same with _une sotte,_ +Anglice, a fool." Sir, answered the gentleman, perhaps you are not much +mistaken; but, as it is a particular kind of folly, I will endeavour to +describe it. Were all creatures to be ranked in the order of creation +according to their usefulness, I know few animals that would not take +place of a coquette; nor indeed hath this creature much pretence to +anything beyond instinct; for, though sometimes we might imagine it was +animated by the passion of vanity, yet far the greater part of its +actions fall beneath even that low motive; for instance, several absurd +gestures and tricks, infinitely more foolish than what can be observed +in the most ridiculous birds and beasts, and which would persuade the +beholder that the silly wretch was aiming at our contempt. Indeed its +characteristic is affectation, and this led and governed by whim only: +for as beauty, wisdom, wit, good-nature, politeness, and health are +sometimes affected by this creature, so are ugliness, folly, nonsense, +ill-nature, ill-breeding, and sickness likewise put on by it in their +turn. Its life is one constant lie; and the only rule by which you can +form any judgment of them is, that they are never what they seem. If it +was possible for a coquette to love (as it is not, for if ever it +attains this passion the coquette ceases instantly), it would wear the +face of indifference, if not of hatred, to the beloved object; you may +therefore be assured, when they endeavour to persuade you of their +liking, that they are indifferent to you at least. And indeed this was +the case of my Sapphira, who no sooner saw me in the number of her +admirers than she gave me what is commonly called encouragement: she +would often look at me, and, when she perceived me meet her eyes, would +instantly take them off, discovering at the same time as much surprize +and emotion as possible. These arts failed not of the success she +intended; and, as I grew more particular to her than the rest of her +admirers, she advanced, in proportion, more directly to me than to the +others. She affected the low voice, whisper, lisp, sigh, start, laugh, +and many other indications of passion which daily deceive thousands. +When I played at whist with her, she would look earnestly at me, and at +the same time lose deal or revoke; then burst into a ridiculous laugh +and cry, "La! I can't imagine what I was thinking of." To detain you no +longer, after I had gone through a sufficient course of gallantry, as I +thought, and was thoroughly convinced I had raised a violent passion in +my mistress, I sought an opportunity of coming to an eclaircissement +with her. She avoided this as much as possible; however, great assiduity +at length presented me one. I will not describe all the particulars of +this interview; let it suffice that, when she could no longer pretend +not to see my drift, she first affected a violent surprize, and +immediately after as violent a passion: she wondered what I had seen in +her conduct which could induce me to affront her in this manner; and, +breaking from me the first moment she could, told me I had no other way +to escape the consequence of her resentment than by never seeing, or at +least speaking to her more. I was not contented with this answer; I +still pursued her, but to no purpose; and was at length convinced that +her husband had the sole possession of her person, and that neither he +nor any other had made any impression on her heart. I was taken off from +following this _ignis fatuus_ by some advances which were made me by the +wife of a citizen, who, though neither very young nor handsome, was yet +too agreeable to be rejected by my amorous constitution. I accordingly +soon satisfied her that she had not cast away her hints on a barren or +cold soil: on the contrary, they instantly produced her an eager and +desiring lover. Nor did she give me any reason to complain; she met the +warmth she had raised with equal ardour. I had no longer a coquette to +deal with, but one who was wiser than to prostitute the noble passion of +love to the ridiculous lust of vanity. We presently understood one +another; and, as the pleasures we sought lay in a mutual gratification, +we soon found and enjoyed them. I thought myself at first greatly happy +in the possession of this new mistress, whose fondness would have +quickly surfeited a more sickly appetite; but it had a different effect +on mine: she carried my passion higher by it than youth or beauty had +been able. But my happiness could not long continue uninterrupted. The +apprehensions we lay under from the jealousy of her husband gave us +great uneasiness. "Poor wretch! I pity him," cried Adams. He did indeed +deserve it, said the gentleman; for he loved his wife with great +tenderness; and, I assure you, it is a great satisfaction to me that I +was not the man who first seduced her affections from him. These +apprehensions appeared also too well grounded, for in the end he +discovered us, and procured witnesses of our caresses. He then +prosecuted me at law, and recovered L3000 damages, which much distressed +my fortune to pay; and, what was worse, his wife, being divorced, came +upon my hands. I led a very uneasy life with her; for, besides that my +passion was now much abated, her excessive jealousy was very +troublesome. At length death rid me of an inconvenience which the +consideration of my having been the author of her misfortunes would +never suffer me to take any other method of discarding. + +I now bad adieu to love, and resolved to pursue other less dangerous and +expensive pleasures. I fell into the acquaintance of a set of jolly +companions, who slept all day and drank all night; fellows who might +rather be said to consume time than to live. Their best conversation was +nothing but noise: singing, hollowing, wrangling, drinking, toasting, +sp--wing, smoaking were the chief ingredients of our entertainment. And +yet, bad as these were, they were more tolerable than our graver scenes, +which were either excessive tedious narratives of dull common matters of +fact, or hot disputes about trifling matters, which commonly ended in a +wager. This way of life the first serious reflection put a period to; +and I became member of a club frequented by young men of great +abilities. The bottle was now only called in to the assistance of our +conversation, which rolled on the deepest points of philosophy. These +gentlemen were engaged in a search after truth, in the pursuit of which +they threw aside all the prejudices of education, and governed +themselves only by the infallible guide of human reason. This great +guide, after having shown them the falsehood of that very ancient but +simple tenet, that there is such a being as a Deity in the universe, +helped them to establish in his stead a certain rule of right, by +adhering to which they all arrived at the utmost purity of morals. +Reflection made me as much delighted with this society as it had taught +me to despise and detest the former. I began now to esteem myself a +being of a higher order than I had ever before conceived; and was the +more charmed with this rule of right, as I really found in my own nature +nothing repugnant to it. I held in utter contempt all persons who wanted +any other inducement to virtue besides her intrinsic beauty and +excellence; and had so high an opinion of my present companions, with +regard to their morality, that I would have trusted them with whatever +was nearest and dearest to me. Whilst I was engaged in this delightful +dream, two or three accidents happened successively, which at first much +surprized me;--for one of our greatest philosophers, or rule-of-right +men, withdrew himself from us, taking with him the wife of one of his +most intimate friends. Secondly, another of the same society left the +club without remembering to take leave of his bail. A third, having +borrowed a sum of money of me, for which I received no security, when I +asked him to repay it, absolutely denied the loan. These several +practices, so inconsistent with our golden rule, made me begin to +suspect its infallibility; but when I communicated my thoughts to one of +the club, he said, "There was nothing absolutely good or evil in itself; +that actions were denominated good or bad by the circumstances of the +agent. That possibly the man who ran away with his neighbour's wife +might be one of very good inclinations, but over-prevailed on by the +violence of an unruly passion; and, in other particulars, might be a +very worthy member of society; that if the beauty of any woman created +in him an uneasiness, he had a right from nature to relieve +himself;"--with many other things, which I then detested so much, that I +took leave of the society that very evening and never returned to it +again. Being now reduced to a state of solitude which I did not like, I +became a great frequenter of the playhouses, which indeed was always my +favourite diversion; and most evenings passed away two or three hours +behind the scenes, where I met with several poets, with whom I made +engagements at the taverns. Some of the players were likewise of our +parties. At these meetings we were generally entertained by the poets +with reading their performances, and by the players with repeating their +parts: upon which occasions, I observed the gentleman who furnished our +entertainment was commonly the best pleased of the company; who, though +they were pretty civil to him to his face, seldom failed to take the +first opportunity of his absence to ridicule him. Now I made some +remarks which probably are too obvious to be worth relating. "Sir," says +Adams, "your remarks if you please." First then, says he, I concluded +that the general observation, that wits are most inclined to vanity, is +not true. Men are equally vain of riches, strength, beauty, honours, &c. +But these appear of themselves to the eyes of the beholders, whereas the +poor wit is obliged to produce his performance to show you his +perfection; and on his readiness to do this that vulgar opinion I have +before mentioned is grounded; but doth not the person who expends vast +sums in the furniture of his house or the ornaments of his person, who +consumes much time and employs great pains in dressing himself, or who +thinks himself paid for self-denial, labour, or even villany, by a title +or a ribbon, sacrifice as much to vanity as the poor wit who is desirous +to read you his poem or his play? My second remark was, that vanity is +the worst of passions, and more apt to contaminate the mind than any +other: for, as selfishness is much more general than we please to allow +it, so it is natural to hate and envy those who stand between us and the +good we desire. Now, in lust and ambition these are few; and even in +avarice we find many who are no obstacles to our pursuits; but the vain +man seeks pre-eminence; and everything which is excellent or +praiseworthy in another renders him the mark of his antipathy. Adams now +began to fumble in his pockets, and soon cried out, "O la! I have it not +about me." Upon this, the gentleman asking him what he was searching +for, he said he searched after a sermon, which he thought his +masterpiece, against vanity. "Fie upon it, fie upon it!" cries he, "why +do I ever leave that sermon out of my pocket? I wish it was within five +miles; I would willingly fetch it, to read it you." The gentleman +answered that there was no need, for he was cured of the passion. "And +for that very reason," quoth Adams, "I would read it, for I am confident +you would admire it: indeed, I have never been a greater enemy to any +passion than that silly one of vanity." The gentleman smiled, and +proceeded--From this society I easily passed to that of the gamesters, +where nothing remarkable happened but the finishing my fortune, which +those gentlemen soon helped me to the end of. This opened scenes of life +hitherto unknown; poverty and distress, with their horrid train of duns, +attorneys, bailiffs, haunted me day and night. My clothes grew shabby, +my credit bad, my friends and acquaintance of all kinds cold. In this +situation the strangest thought imaginable came into my head; and what +was this but to write a play? for I had sufficient leisure: fear of +bailiffs confined me every day to my room: and, having always had a +little inclination and something of a genius that way, I set myself to +work, and within a few months produced a piece of five acts, which was +accepted of at the theatre. I remembered to have formerly taken tickets +of other poets for their benefits, long before the appearance of their +performances; and, resolving to follow a precedent which was so well +suited to my present circumstances, I immediately provided myself with a +large number of little papers. Happy indeed would be the state of +poetry, would these tickets pass current at the bakehouse, the +ale-house, and the chandler's shop: but alas! far otherwise; no taylor +will take them in payment for buckram, canvas, stay-tape; nor no bailiff +for civility money. They are, indeed, no more than a passport to beg +with; a certificate that the owner wants five shillings, which induces +well-disposed Christians to charity. I now experienced what is worse +than poverty, or rather what is the worst consequence of poverty--I mean +attendance and dependance on the great. Many a morning have I waited +hours in the cold parlours of men of quality; where, after seeing the +lowest rascals in lace and embroidery, the pimps and buffoons in +fashion, admitted, I have been sometimes told, on sending in my name, +that my lord could not possibly see me this morning; a sufficient +assurance that I should never more get entrance into that house. +Sometimes I have been at last admitted; and the great man hath thought +proper to excuse himself, by telling me he was tied up. "Tied up," says +Adams, "pray what's that?" Sir, says the gentleman, the profit which +booksellers allowed authors for the best works was so very small, that +certain men of birth and fortune some years ago, who were the patrons of +wit and learning, thought fit to encourage them farther by entering into +voluntary subscriptions for their encouragement. Thus Prior, Rowe, Pope, +and some other men of genius, received large sums for their labours from +the public. This seemed so easy a method of getting money, that many of +the lowest scribblers of the times ventured to publish their works in +the same way; and many had the assurance to take in subscriptions for +what was not writ, nor ever intended. Subscriptions in this manner +growing infinite, and a kind of tax on the publick, some persons, +finding it not so easy a task to discern good from bad authors, or to +know what genius was worthy encouragement and what was not, to prevent +the expense of subscribing to so many, invented a method to excuse +themselves from all subscriptions whatever; and this was to receive a +small sum of money in consideration of giving a large one if ever they +subscribed; which many have done, and many more have pretended to have +done, in order to silence all solicitation. The same method was likewise +taken with playhouse tickets, which were no less a public grievance; and +this is what they call being tied up from subscribing. "I can't say but +the term is apt enough, and somewhat typical," said Adams; "for a man of +large fortune, who ties himself up, as you call it, from the +encouragement of men of merit, ought to be tied up in reality." Well, +sir, says the gentleman, to return to my story. Sometimes I have +received a guinea from a man of quality, given with as ill a grace as +alms are generally to the meanest beggar; and purchased too with as much +time spent in attendance as, if it had been spent in honest industry, +might have brought me more profit with infinitely more satisfaction. +After about two months spent in this disagreeable way, with the utmost +mortification, when I was pluming my hopes on the prospect of a +plentiful harvest from my play, upon applying to the prompter to know +when it came into rehearsal, he informed me he had received orders from +the managers to return me the play again, for that they could not +possibly act it that season; but, if I would take it and revise it +against the next, they would be glad to see it again. I snatched it from +him with great indignation, and retired to my room, where I threw myself +on the bed in a fit of despair. "You should rather have thrown yourself +on your knees," says Adams, "for despair is sinful." As soon, continued +the gentleman, as I had indulged the first tumult of my passion, I began +to consider coolly what course I should take, in a situation without +friends, money, credit, or reputation of any kind. After revolving many +things in my mind, I could see no other possibility of furnishing myself +with the miserable necessaries of life than to retire to a garret near +the Temple, and commence hackney-writer to the lawyers, for which I was +well qualified, being an excellent penman. This purpose I resolved on, +and immediately put it in execution. I had an acquaintance with an +attorney who had formerly transacted affairs for me, and to him I +applied; but, instead of furnishing me with any business, he laughed at +my undertaking, and told me, "He was afraid I should turn his deeds into +plays, and he should expect to see them on the stage." Not to tire you +with instances of this kind from others, I found that Plato himself did +not hold poets in greater abhorrence than these men of business do. +Whenever I durst venture to a coffeehouse, which was on Sundays only, a +whisper ran round the room, which was constantly attended with a +sneer--That's poet Wilson; for I know not whether you have observed it, +but there is a malignity in the nature of man, which, when not weeded +out, or at least covered by a good education and politeness, delights in +making another uneasy or dissatisfied with himself. This abundantly +appears in all assemblies, except those which are filled by people of +fashion, and especially among the younger people of both sexes whose +birth and fortunes place them just without the polite circles; I mean +the lower class of the gentry, and the higher of the mercantile world, +who are, in reality, the worst-bred part of mankind. Well, sir, whilst I +continued in this miserable state, with scarce sufficient business to +keep me from starving, the reputation of a poet being my bane, I +accidentally became acquainted with a bookseller, who told me, "It was a +pity a man of my learning and genius should be obliged to such a method +of getting his livelihood; that he had a compassion for me, and, if I +would engage with him, he would undertake to provide handsomely for me." +A man in my circumstances, as he very well knew, had no choice. I +accordingly accepted his proposal with his conditions, which were none +of the most favourable, and fell to translating with all my might. I had +no longer reason to lament the want of business; for he furnished me +with so much, that in half a year I almost writ myself blind. I likewise +contracted a distemper by my sedentary life, in which no part of my body +was exercised but my right arm, which rendered me incapable of writing +for a long time. This unluckily happening to delay the publication of a +work, and my last performance not having sold well, the bookseller +declined any further engagement, and aspersed me to his brethren as a +careless idle fellow. I had, however, by having half worked and half +starved myself to death during the time I was in his service, saved a +few guineas, with which I bought a lottery-ticket, resolving to throw +myself into Fortune's lap, and try if she would make me amends for the +injuries she had done me at the gaming-table. This purchase, being made, +left me almost pennyless; when, as if I had not been sufficiently +miserable, a bailiff in woman's clothes got admittance to my chamber, +whither he was directed by the bookseller. He arrested me at my taylor's +suit for thirty-five pounds; a sum for which I could not procure bail; +and was therefore conveyed to his house, where I was locked up in an +upper chamber. I had now neither health (for I was scarce recovered from +my indisposition), liberty, money, or friends; and had abandoned all +hopes, and even the desire, of life. "But this could not last long," +said Adams; "for doubtless the taylor released you the moment he was +truly acquainted with your affairs, and knew that your circumstances +would not permit you to pay him." "Oh, sir," answered the gentleman, "he +knew that before he arrested me; nay, he knew that nothing but +incapacity could prevent me paying my debts; for I had been his customer +many years, had spent vast sums of money with him, and had always paid +most punctually in my prosperous days; but when I reminded him of this, +with assurances that, if he would not molest my endeavours, I would pay +him all the money I could by my utmost labour and industry procure, +reserving only what was sufficient to preserve me alive, he answered, +his patience was worn out; that I had put him off from time to time; +that he wanted the money; that he had put it into a lawyer's hands; and +if I did not pay him immediately, or find security, I must die in gaol +and expect no mercy." "He may expect mercy," cries Adams, starting from +his chair, "where he will find none! How can such a wretch repeat the +Lord's Prayer; where the word, which is translated, I know not for what +reason, trespasses, is in the original, debts? And as surely as we do +not forgive others their debts, when they are unable to pay them, so +surely shall we ourselves be unforgiven when we are in no condition of +paying." He ceased, and the gentleman proceeded. While I was in this +deplorable situation, a former acquaintance, to whom I had communicated +my lottery-ticket, found me out, and, making me a visit, with great +delight in his countenance, shook me heartily by the hand, and wished me +joy of my good fortune: for, says he, your ticket is come up a prize of +L3000. Adams snapped his fingers at these words in an ecstasy of joy; +which, however, did not continue long; for the gentleman thus +proceeded:--Alas! sir, this was only a trick of Fortune to sink me the +deeper; for I had disposed of this lottery-ticket two days before to a +relation, who refused lending me a shilling without it, in order to +procure myself bread. As soon as my friend was acquainted with my +unfortunate sale he began to revile me and remind me of all the +ill-conduct and miscarriages of my life. He said I was one whom Fortune +could not save if she would; that I was now ruined without any hopes of +retrieval, nor must expect any pity from my friends; that it would be +extreme weakness to compassionate the misfortunes of a man who ran +headlong to his own destruction. He then painted to me, in as lively +colours as he was able, the happiness I should have now enjoyed, had I +not foolishly disposed of my ticket. I urged the plea of necessity; but +he made no answer to that, and began again to revile me, till I could +bear it no longer, and desired him to finish his visit. I soon exchanged +the bailiff's house for a prison; where, as I had not money sufficient +to procure me a separate apartment, I was crouded in with a great number +of miserable wretches, in common with whom I was destitute of every +convenience of life, even that which all the brutes enjoy, wholesome +air. In these dreadful circumstances I applied by letter to several of +my old acquaintance, and such to whom I had formerly lent money without +any great prospect of its being returned, for their assistance; but in +vain. An excuse, instead of a denial, was the gentlest answer I +received. Whilst I languished in a condition too horrible to be +described, and which, in a land of humanity, and, what is much more, +Christianity, seems a strange punishment for a little inadvertency and +indiscretion; whilst I was in this condition, a fellow came into the +prison, and, enquiring me out, delivered me the following letter:-- + + "SIR,--My father, to whom you sold your ticket in the last + lottery, died the same day in which it came up a prize, as you + have possibly heard, and left me sole heiress of all his + fortune. I am so much touched with your present circumstances, + and the uneasiness you must feel at having been driven to + dispose of what might have made you happy, that I must desire + your acceptance of the enclosed, and am your humble servant, + + "HARRIET HEARTY." + +And what do you think was enclosed? "I don't know," cried Adams; "not +less than a guinea, I hope." Sir, it was a bank-note for L200.--"L200?" +says Adams, in a rapture. No less, I assure you, answered the gentleman; +a sum I was not half so delighted with as with the dear name of the +generous girl that sent it me; and who was not only the best but the +handsomest creature in the universe, and for whom I had long had a +passion which I never durst disclose to her. I kissed her name a +thousand times, my eyes overflowing with tenderness and gratitude; I +repeated--But not to detain you with these raptures, I immediately +acquired my liberty; and, having paid all my debts, departed, with +upwards of fifty pounds in my pocket, to thank my kind deliverer. She +happened to be then out of town, a circumstance which, upon reflection, +pleased me; for by that means I had an opportunity to appear before her +in a more decent dress. At her return to town, within a day or two, I +threw myself at her feet with the most ardent acknowledgments, which she +rejected with an unfeigned greatness of mind, and told me I could not +oblige her more than by never mentioning, or if possible thinking on, a +circumstance which must bring to my mind an accident that might be +grievous to me to think on. She proceeded thus: "What I have done is in +my own eyes a trifle, and perhaps infinitely less than would have become +me to do. And if you think of engaging in any business where a larger +sum may be serviceable to you, I shall not be over-rigid either as to +the security or interest." I endeavoured to express all the gratitude in +my power to this profusion of goodness, though perhaps it was my enemy, +and began to afflict my mind with more agonies than all the miseries I +had underwent; it affected me with severer reflections than poverty, +distress, and prisons united had been able to make me feel; for, sir, +these acts and professions of kindness, which were sufficient to have +raised in a good heart the most violent passion of friendship to one of +the same, or to age and ugliness in a different sex, came to me from a +woman, a young and beautiful woman; one whose perfections I had long +known, and for whom I had long conceived a violent passion, though with +a despair which made me endeavour rather to curb and conceal, than to +nourish or acquaint her with it. In short, they came upon me united with +beauty, softness, and tenderness: such bewitching smiles!--O Mr Adams, +in that moment I lost myself, and, forgetting our different situations, +nor considering what return I was making to her goodness by desiring +her, who had given me so much, to bestow her all, I laid gently hold on +her hand, and, conveying it to my lips, I prest it with inconceivable +ardour; then, lifting up my swimming eyes, I saw her face and neck +overspread with one blush; she offered to withdraw her hand, yet not so +as to deliver it from mine, though I held it with the gentlest force. We +both stood trembling; her eyes cast on the ground, and mine stedfastly +fixed on her. Good G--d, what was then the condition of my soul! burning +with love, desire, admiration, gratitude, and every tender passion, all +bent on one charming object. Passion at last got the better of both +reason and respect, and, softly letting go her hand, I offered madly to +clasp her in my arms; when, a little recovering herself, she started +from me, asking me, with some show of anger, "If she had any reason to +expect this treatment from me." I then fell prostrate before her, and +told her, if I had offended, my life was absolutely in her power, which +I would in any manner lose for her sake. Nay, madam, said I, you shall +not be so ready to punish me as I to suffer. I own my guilt. I detest +the reflection that I would have sacrificed your happiness to mine. +Believe me, I sincerely repent my ingratitude; yet, believe me too, it +was my passion, my unbounded passion for you, which hurried me so far: I +have loved you long and tenderly, and the goodness you have shown me +hath innocently weighed down a wretch undone before. Acquit me of all +mean, mercenary views; and, before I take my leave of you for ever, +which I am resolved instantly to do, believe me that Fortune could have +raised me to no height to which I could not have gladly lifted you. O, +curst be Fortune!--"Do not," says she, interrupting me with the sweetest +voice, "do not curse Fortune, since she hath made me happy; and, if she +hath put your happiness in my power, I have told you you shall ask +nothing in reason which I will refuse." Madam, said I, you mistake me if +you imagine, as you seem, my happiness is in the power of Fortune now. +You have obliged me too much already; if I have any wish, it is for some +blest accident, by which I may contribute with my life to the least +augmentation of your felicity. As for myself, the only happiness I can +ever have will be hearing of yours; and if Fortune will make that +complete, I will forgive her all her wrongs to me. "You may, indeed," +answered she, smiling, "for your own happiness must be included in mine. +I have long known your worth; nay, I must confess," said she, blushing, +"I have long discovered that passion for me you profess, notwithstanding +those endeavours, which I am convinced were unaffected, to conceal it; +and if all I can give with reason will not suffice, take reason away; +and now I believe you cannot ask me what I will deny."--She uttered +these words with a sweetness not to be imagined. I immediately started; +my blood, which lay freezing at my heart, rushed tumultuously through +every vein. I stood for a moment silent; then, flying to her, I caught +her in my arms, no longer resisting, and softly told her she must give +me then herself. O, sir! can I describe her look? She remained silent, +and almost motionless, several minutes. At last, recovering herself a +little, she insisted on my leaving her, and in such a manner that I +instantly obeyed: you may imagine, however, I soon saw her again.--But I +ask pardon: I fear I have detained you too long in relating the +particulars of the former interview. "So far otherwise," said Adams, +licking his lips, "that I could willingly hear it over again." Well, +sir, continued the gentleman, to be as concise as possible, within a +week she consented to make me the happiest of mankind. We were married +shortly after; and when I came to examine the circumstances of my wife's +fortune (which, I do assure you, I was not presently at leisure enough +to do), I found it amounted to about six thousand pounds, most part of +which lay in effects; for her father had been a wine-merchant, and she +seemed willing, if I liked it, that I should carry on the same trade. I +readily, and too inconsiderately, undertook it; for, not having been +bred up to the secrets of the business, and endeavouring to deal with +the utmost honesty and uprightness, I soon found our fortune in a +declining way, and my trade decreasing by little and little; for my +wines, which I never adulterated after their importation, and were sold +as neat as they came over, were universally decried by the vintners, to +whom I could not allow them quite as cheap as those who gained double +the profit by a less price. I soon began to despair of improving our +fortune by these means; nor was I at all easy at the visits and +familiarity of many who had been my acquaintance in my prosperity, but +had denied and shunned me in my adversity, and now very forwardly +renewed their acquaintance with me. In short, I had sufficiently seen +that the pleasures of the world are chiefly folly, and the business of +it mostly knavery, and both nothing better than vanity; the men of +pleasure tearing one another to pieces from the emulation of spending +money, and the men of business from envy in getting it. My happiness +consisted entirely in my wife, whom I loved with an inexpressible +fondness, which was perfectly returned; and my prospects were no other +than to provide for our growing family; for she was now big of her +second child: I therefore took an opportunity to ask her opinion of +entering into a retired life, which, after hearing my reasons and +perceiving my affection for it, she readily embraced. We soon put our +small fortune, now reduced under three thousand pounds, into money, with +part of which we purchased this little place, whither we retired soon +after her delivery, from a world full of bustle, noise, hatred, envy, +and ingratitude, to ease, quiet, and love. We have here lived almost +twenty years, with little other conversation than our own, most of the +neighbourhood taking us for very strange people; the squire of the +parish representing me as a madman, and the parson as a presbyterian, +because I will not hunt with the one nor drink with the other. "Sir," +says Adams, "Fortune hath, I think, paid you all her debts in this sweet +retirement." Sir, replied the gentleman, I am thankful to the great +Author of all things for the blessings I here enjoy. I have the best of +wives, and three pretty children, for whom I have the true tenderness of +a parent. But no blessings are pure in this world: within three years of +my arrival here I lost my eldest son. (Here he sighed bitterly.) "Sir," +says Adams, "we must submit to Providence, and consider death as common +to all." We must submit, indeed, answered the gentleman; and if he had +died I could have borne the loss with patience; but alas! sir, he was +stolen away from my door by some wicked travelling people whom they call +gipsies; nor could I ever, with the most diligent search, recover him. +Poor child! he had the sweetest look--the exact picture of his mother; +at which some tears unwittingly dropt from his eyes, as did likewise +from those of Adams, who always sympathized with his friends on those +occasions. Thus, sir, said the gentleman, I have finished my story, in +which if I have been too particular, I ask your pardon; and now, if you +please, I will fetch you another bottle: which proposal the parson +thankfully accepted. + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical adventure of +the dog, and other grave matters._ + + +The gentleman returned with the bottle; and Adams and he sat some time +silent, when the former started up, and cried, "No, that won't do." The +gentleman inquired into his meaning; he answered, "He had been +considering that it was possible the late famous king Theodore might +have been that very son whom he had lost;" but added, "that his age +could not answer that imagination. However," says he, "G-- disposes all +things for the best; and very probably he may be some great man, or +duke, and may, one day or other, revisit you in that capacity." The +gentleman answered, he should know him amongst ten thousand, for he had +a mark on his left breast of a strawberry, which his mother had given +him by longing for that fruit. + +That beautiful young lady the Morning now rose from her bed, and with a +countenance blooming with fresh youth and sprightliness, like Miss +----[A], with soft dews hanging on her pouting lips, began to take her +early walk over the eastern hills; and presently after, that gallant +person the Sun stole softly from his wife's chamber to pay his addresses +to her; when the gentleman asked his guest if he would walk forth and +survey his little garden, which he readily agreed to, and Joseph at the +same time awaking from a sleep in which he had been two hours buried, +went with them. No parterres, no fountains, no statues, embellished this +little garden. Its only ornament was a short walk, shaded on each side +by a filbert-hedge, with a small alcove at one end, whither in hot +weather the gentleman and his wife used to retire and divert themselves +with their children, who played in the walk before them. But, though +vanity had no votary in this little spot, here was variety of fruit and +everything useful for the kitchen, which was abundantly sufficient to +catch the admiration of Adams, who told the gentleman he had certainly a +good gardener. Sir, answered he, that gardener is now before you: +whatever you see here is the work solely of my own hands. Whilst I am +providing necessaries for my table, I likewise procure myself an +appetite for them. In fair seasons I seldom pass less than six hours of +the twenty-four in this place, where I am not idle; and by these means I +have been able to preserve my health ever since my arrival here, without +assistance from physic. Hither I generally repair at the dawn, and +exercise myself whilst my wife dresses her children and prepares our +breakfast; after which we are seldom asunder during the residue of the +day, for, when the weather will not permit them to accompany me here, I +am usually within with them; for I am neither ashamed of conversing with +my wife nor of playing with my children: to say the truth, I do not +perceive that inferiority of understanding which the levity of rakes, +the dulness of men of business, or the austerity of the learned, would +persuade us of in women. As for my woman, I declare I have found none of +my own sex capable of making juster observations on life, or of +delivering them more agreeably; nor do I believe any one possessed of a +faithfuller or braver friend. And sure as this friendship is sweetened +with more delicacy and tenderness, so is it confirmed by dearer pledges +than can attend the closest male alliance; for what union can be so fast +as our common interest in the fruits of our embraces? Perhaps, sir, you +are not yourself a father; if you are not, be assured you cannot +conceive the delight I have in my little ones. Would you not despise me +if you saw me stretched on the ground, and my children playing round me? +"I should reverence the sight," quoth Adams; "I myself am now the father +of six, and have been of eleven, and I can say I never scourged a child +of my own, unless as his schoolmaster, and then have felt every stroke +on my own posteriors. And as to what you say concerning women, I have +often lamented my own wife did not understand Greek."--The gentleman +smiled, and answered, he would not be apprehended to insinuate that his +own had an understanding above the care of her family; on the contrary, +says he, my Harriet, I assure you, is a notable housewife, and few +gentlemen's housekeepers understand cookery or confectionery better; but +these are arts which she hath no great occasion for now: however, the +wine you commended so much last night at supper was of her own making, +as is indeed all the liquor in my house, except my beer, which falls to +my province. "And I assure you it is as excellent," quoth Adams, "as +ever I tasted." We formerly kept a maid-servant, but since my girls have +been growing up she is unwilling to indulge them in idleness; for as the +fortunes I shall give them will be very small, we intend not to breed +them above the rank they are likely to fill hereafter, nor to teach them +to despise or ruin a plain husband. Indeed, I could wish a man of my own +temper, and a retired life, might fall to their lot; for I have +experienced that calm serene happiness, which is seated in content, is +inconsistent with the hurry and bustle of the world. He was proceeding +thus when the little things, being just risen, ran eagerly towards him +and asked him blessing. They were shy to the strangers, but the eldest +acquainted her father, that her mother and the young gentlewoman were +up, and that breakfast was ready. They all went in, where the gentleman +was surprized at the beauty of Fanny, who had now recovered herself from +her fatigue, and was entirely clean drest; for the rogues who had taken +away her purse had left her her bundle. But if he was so much amazed at +the beauty of this young creature, his guests were no less charmed at +the tenderness which appeared in the behaviour of the husband and wife +to each other, and to their children, and at the dutiful and +affectionate behaviour of these to their parents. These instances +pleased the well-disposed mind of Adams equally with the readiness which +they exprest to oblige their guests, and their forwardness to offer them +the best of everything in their house; and what delighted him still more +was an instance or two of their charity; for whilst they were at +breakfast the good woman was called for to assist her sick neighbour, +which she did with some cordials made for the public use, and the good +man went into his garden at the same time to supply another with +something which he wanted thence, for they had nothing which those who +wanted it were not welcome to. These good people were in the utmost +cheerfulness, when they heard the report of a gun, and immediately +afterwards a little dog, the favourite of the eldest daughter, came +limping in all bloody and laid himself at his mistress's feet: the poor +girl, who was about eleven years old, burst into tears at the sight; and +presently one of the neighbours came in and informed them that the young +squire, the son of the lord of the manor, had shot him as he past by, +swearing at the same time he would prosecute the master of him for +keeping a spaniel, for that he had given notice he would not suffer one +in the parish. The dog, whom his mistress had taken into her lap, died +in a few minutes, licking her hand. She exprest great agony at his loss, +and the other children began to cry for their sister's misfortune; nor +could Fanny herself refrain. Whilst the father and mother attempted to +comfort her, Adams grasped his crabstick and would have sallied out +after the squire had not Joseph withheld him. He could not however +bridle his tongue--he pronounced the word rascal with great emphasis; +said he deserved to be hanged more than a highwayman, and wished he had +the scourging him. The mother took her child, lamenting and carrying the +dead favourite in her arms, out of the room, when the gentleman said +this was the second time this squire had endeavoured to kill the little +wretch, and had wounded him smartly once before; adding, he could have +no motive but ill-nature, for the little thing, which was not near as +big as one's fist, had never been twenty yards from the house in the six +years his daughter had had it. He said he had done nothing to deserve +this usage, but his father had too great a fortune to contend with: that +he was as absolute as any tyrant in the universe, and had killed all the +dogs and taken away all the guns in the neighbourhood; and not only +that, but he trampled down hedges and rode over corn and gardens, with +no more regard than if they were the highway. "I wish I could catch him +in my garden," said Adams, "though I would rather forgive him riding +through my house than such an ill-natured act as this." + +The cheerfulness of their conversation being interrupted by this +accident, in which the guests could be of no service to their kind +entertainer; and as the mother was taken up in administering consolation +to the poor girl, whose disposition was too good hastily to forget the +sudden loss of her little favourite, which had been fondling with her +a few minutes before; and as Joseph and Fanny were impatient to get home +and begin those previous ceremonies to their happiness which Adams had +insisted on, they now offered to take their leave. The gentleman +importuned them much to stay dinner; but when he found their eagerness +to depart he summoned his wife; and accordingly, having performed all +the usual ceremonies of bows and curtsies more pleasant to be seen than +to be related, they took their leave, the gentleman and his wife +heartily wishing them a good journey, and they as heartily thanking them +for their kind entertainment. They then departed, Adams declaring that +this was the manner in which the people had lived in the golden age. + +[A] Whoever the reader pleases. + + + +CHAPTER V. + +_A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham Adams and +Joseph; and a discovery not unwelcome to them both._ + + +Our travellers, having well refreshed themselves at the gentleman's +house, Joseph and Fanny with sleep, and Mr Abraham Adams with ale and +tobacco, renewed their journey with great alacrity; and pursuing the +road into which they were directed, travelled many miles before they +met with any adventure worth relating. In this interval we shall +present our readers with a very curious discourse, as we apprehend it, +concerning public schools, which passed between Mr Joseph Andrews and +Mr Abraham Adams. + +They had not gone far before Adams, calling to Joseph, asked him, "If +he had attended to the gentleman's story?" He answered, "To all the +former part."--"And don't you think," says he, "he was a very unhappy +man in his youth?"--"A very unhappy man, indeed," answered the other. +"Joseph," cries Adams, screwing up his mouth, "I have found it; I have +discovered the cause of all the misfortunes which befel him: a public +school, Joseph, was the cause of all the calamities which he +afterwards suffered. Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and +immorality. All the wicked fellows whom I remember at the university +were bred at them.--Ah, Lord! I can remember as well as if it was but +yesterday, a knot of them; they called them King's scholars, I forget +why--very wicked fellows! Joseph, you may thank the Lord you were not +bred at a public school; you would never have preserved your virtue as +you have. The first care I always take is of a boy's morals; I had +rather he should be a blockhead than an atheist or a presbyterian. +What is all the learning in the world compared to his immortal soul? +What shall a man take in exchange for his soul? But the masters of +great schools trouble themselves about no such thing. I have known a +lad of eighteen at the university, who hath not been able to say his +catechism; but for my own part, I always scourged a lad sooner for +missing that than any other lesson. Believe me, child, all that +gentleman's misfortunes arose from his being educated at a public +school." + +"It doth not become me," answered Joseph, "to dispute anything, sir, +with you, especially a matter of this kind; for to be sure you must be +allowed by all the world to be the best teacher of a school in all our +county." "Yes, that," says Adams, "I believe, is granted me; that I may +without much vanity pretend to--nay, I believe I may go to the next +county too--but _gloriari non est meum_."--"However, sir, as you are +pleased to bid me speak," says Joseph, "you know my late master, Sir +Thomas Booby, was bred at a public school, and he was the finest +gentleman in all the neighbourhood. And I have often heard him say, if +he had a hundred boys he would breed them all at the same place. It was +his opinion, and I have often heard him deliver it, that a boy taken +from a public school and carried into the world, will learn more in one +year there than one of a private education will in five. He used to say +the school itself initiated him a great way (I remember that was his +very expression), for great schools are little societies, where a boy +of any observation may see in epitome what he will afterwards find in +the world at large."--"_Hinc illae lachrymae_: for that very reason," +quoth Adams, "I prefer a private school, where boys may be kept in +innocence and ignorance; for, according to that fine passage in the +play of Cato, the only English tragedy I ever read-- + + "'If knowledge of the world must make men villains + May Juba ever live in ignorance!' + +"Who would not rather preserve the purity of his child than wish him to +attain the whole circle of arts and sciences? which, by the bye, he may +learn in the classes of a private school; for I would not be vain, but I +esteem myself to be second to none, _nulli secundum_, in teaching these +things; so that a lad may have as much learning in a private as in a +public education."--"And, with submission," answered Joseph, "he may get +as much vice: witness several country gentlemen, who were educated +within five miles of their own houses, and are as wicked as if they had +known the world from their infancy. I remember when I was in the stable, +if a young horse was vicious in his nature, no correction would make him +otherwise: I take it to be equally the same among men: if a boy be of a +mischievous wicked inclination, no school, though ever so private, will +ever make him good: on the contrary, if he be of a righteous temper, you +may trust him to London, or wherever else you please--he will be in no +danger of being corrupted. Besides, I have often heard my master say +that the discipline practised in public schools was much better than +that in private."--"You talk like a jackanapes," says Adams, "and so did +your master. Discipline indeed! Because one man scourges twenty or +thirty boys more in a morning than another, is he therefore a better +disciplinarian? I do presume to confer in this point with all who have +taught from Chiron's time to this day; and, if I was master of six boys +only, I would preserve as good discipline amongst them as the master of +the greatest school in the world. I say nothing, young man; remember I +say nothing; but if Sir Thomas himself had been educated nearer home, +and under the tuition of somebody--remember I name nobody--it might have +been better for him:--but his father must institute him in the knowledge +of the world. _Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit_." Joseph, seeing him +run on in this manner, asked pardon many times, assuring him he had no +intention to offend. "I believe you had not, child," said he, "and I am +not angry with you; but for maintaining good discipline in a school; for +this."--And then he ran on as before, named all the masters who are +recorded in old books, and preferred himself to them all. Indeed, if +this good man had an enthusiasm, or what the vulgar call a blind side, +it was this: he thought a schoolmaster the greatest character in the +world, and himself the greatest of all schoolmasters: neither of which +points he would have given up to Alexander the Great at the head of +his army. + +Adams continued his subject till they came to one of the beautifullest +spots of ground in the universe. It was a kind of natural amphitheatre, +formed by the winding of a small rivulet, which was planted with thick +woods, and the trees rose gradually above each other by the natural +ascent of the ground they stood on; which ascent as they hid with their +boughs, they seemed to have been disposed by the design of the most +skilful planter. The soil was spread with a verdure which no paint could +imitate; and the whole place might have raised romantic ideas in elder +minds than those of Joseph and Fanny, without the assistance of love. + +Here they arrived about noon, and Joseph proposed to Adams that they +should rest awhile in this delightful place, and refresh themselves with +some provisions which the good-nature of Mrs Wilson had provided them +with. Adams made no objection to the proposal; so down they sat, and, +pulling out a cold fowl and a bottle of wine, they made a repast with a +cheerfulness which might have attracted the envy of more splendid +tables. I should not omit that they found among their provision a little +paper containing a piece of gold, which Adams imagining had been put +there by mistake, would have returned back to restore it; but he was at +last convinced by Joseph that Mr Wilson had taken this handsome way of +furnishing them with a supply for their journey, on his having related +the distress which they had been in, when they were relieved by the +generosity of the pedlar. Adams said he was glad to see such an instance +of goodness, not so much for the conveniency which it brought them as +for the sake of the doer, whose reward would be great in heaven. He +likewise comforted himself with a reflection that he should shortly have +an opportunity of returning it him; for the gentleman was within a week +to make a journey into Somersetshire, to pass through Adams's parish, +and had faithfully promised to call on him; a circumstance which we +thought too immaterial to mention before; but which those who have as +great an affection for that gentleman as ourselves will rejoice at, as +it may give them hopes of seeing him again. Then Joseph made a speech on +charity, which the reader, if he is so disposed, may see in the next +chapter; for we scorn to betray him into any such reading, without first +giving him warning. + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +_Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting adventure, and +parson Adams's miraculous escape._ + + +"I have often wondered, sir," said Joseph, "to observe so few instances +of charity among mankind; for though the goodness of a man's heart did +not incline him to relieve the distresses of his fellow-creatures, +methinks the desire of honour should move him to it. What inspires a man +to build fine houses, to purchase fine furniture, pictures, clothes, and +other things, at a great expense, but an ambition to be respected more +than other people? Now, would not one great act of charity, one instance +of redeeming a poor family from all the miseries of poverty, restoring +an unfortunate tradesman by a sum of money to the means of procuring a +livelihood by his industry, discharging an undone debtor from his debts +or a gaol, or any suchlike example of goodness, create a man more honour +and respect than he could acquire by the finest house, furniture, +pictures, or clothes, that were ever beheld? For not only the object +himself who was thus relieved, but all who heard the name of such a +person, must, I imagine, reverence him infinitely more than the +possessor of all those other things; which when we so admire, we rather +praise the builder, the workman, the painter, the lace-maker, the +taylor, and the rest, by whose ingenuity they are produced, than the +person who by his money makes them his own. For my own part, when I have +waited behind my lady in a room hung with fine pictures, while I have +been looking at them I have never once thought of their owner, nor hath +any one else, as I ever observed; for when it hath been asked whose +picture that was, it was never once answered the master's of the house; +but Ammyconni, Paul Varnish, Hannibal Scratchi, or Hogarthi, which I +suppose were the names of the painters; but if it was asked--Who +redeemed such a one out of prison? Who lent such a ruined tradesman +money to set up? Who clothed that family of poor small children? it is +very plain what must be the answer. And besides, these great folks are +mistaken if they imagine they get any honour at all by these means; for +I do not remember I ever was with my lady at any house where she +commended the house or furniture but I have heard her at her return home +make sport and jeer at whatever she had before commended; and I have +been told by other gentlemen in livery that it is the same in their +families: but I defy the wisest man in the world to turn a true good +action into ridicule. I defy him to do it. He who should endeavour it +would be laughed at himself, instead of making others laugh. Nobody +scarce doth any good, yet they all agree in praising those who do. +Indeed, it is strange that all men should consent in commending +goodness, and no man endeavour to deserve that commendation; whilst, on +the contrary, all rail at wickedness, and all are as eager to be what +they abuse. This I know not the reason of; but it is as plain as +daylight to those who converse in the world, as I have done these three +years." "Are all the great folks wicked then?" says Fanny. "To be sure +there are some exceptions," answered Joseph. "Some gentlemen of our +cloth report charitable actions done by their lords and masters; and I +have heard Squire Pope, the great poet, at my lady's table, tell stories +of a man that lived at a place called Ross, and another at the Bath, one +Al--Al--I forget his name, but it is in the book of verses. This +gentleman hath built up a stately house too, which the squire likes very +well; but his charity is seen farther than his house, though it stands +on a hill,--ay, and brings him more honour too. It was his charity that +put him in the book, where the squire says he puts all those who deserve +it; and to be sure, as he lives among all the great people, if there +were any such, he would know them." This was all of Mr Joseph Andrews's +speech which I could get him to recollect, which I have delivered as +near as was possible in his own words, with a very small embellishment. +But I believe the reader hath not been a little surprized at the long +silence of parson Adams, especially as so many occasions offered +themselves to exert his curiosity and observation. The truth is, he was +fast asleep, and had so been from the beginning of the preceding +narrative; and, indeed, if the reader considers that so many hours had +passed since he had closed his eyes, he will not wonder at his repose, +though even Henley himself, or as great an orator (if any such be), had +been in his rostrum or tub before him. + +Joseph, who whilst he was speaking had continued in one attitude, with +his head reclining on one side, and his eyes cast on the ground, no +sooner perceived, on looking up, the position of Adams, who was +stretched on his back, and snored louder than the usual braying of the +animal with long ears, than he turned towards Fanny, and, taking her +by the hand, began a dalliance, which, though consistent with the +purest innocence and decency, neither he would have attempted nor she +permitted before any witness. Whilst they amused themselves in this +harmless and delightful manner they heard a pack of hounds approaching +in full cry towards them, and presently afterwards saw a hare pop +forth from the wood, and, crossing the water, land within a few yards +of them in the meadows. The hare was no sooner on shore than it seated +itself on its hinder legs, and listened to the sound of the pursuers. +Fanny was wonderfully pleased with the little wretch, and eagerly +longed to have it in her arms that she might preserve it from the +dangers which seemed to threaten it; but the rational part of the +creation do not always aptly distinguish their friends from their foes; +what wonder then if this silly creature, the moment it beheld her, +fled from the friend who would have protected it, and, traversing the +meadows again, passed the little rivulet on the opposite side? It was, +however, so spent and weak, that it fell down twice or thrice in its +way. This affected the tender heart of Fanny, who exclaimed, with tears +in her eyes, against the barbarity of worrying a poor innocent +defenceless animal out of its life, and putting it to the extremest +torture for diversion. She had not much time to make reflections of +this kind, for on a sudden the hounds rushed through the wood, which +resounded with their throats and the throats of their retinue, who +attended on them on horseback. The dogs now past the rivulet, and +pursued the footsteps of the hare; five horsemen attempted to leap +over, three of whom succeeded, and two were in the attempt thrown from +their saddles into the water; their companions, and their own horses +too, proceeded after their sport, and left their friends and riders to +invoke the assistance of Fortune, or employ the more active means of +strength and agility for their deliverance. Joseph, however, was not +so unconcerned on this occasion; he left Fanny for a moment to herself, +and ran to the gentlemen, who were immediately on their legs, shaking +their ears, and easily, with the help of his hand, obtained the bank +(for the rivulet was not at all deep); and, without staying to thank +their kind assister, ran dripping across the meadow, calling to their +brother sportsmen to stop their horses; but they heard them not. + +The hounds were now very little behind their poor reeling, staggering +prey, which, fainting almost at every step, crawled through the wood, +and had almost got round to the place where Fanny stood, when it was +overtaken by its enemies, and being driven out of the covert, was +caught, and instantly tore to pieces before Fanny's face, who was unable +to assist it with any aid more powerful than pity; nor could she prevail +on Joseph, who had been himself a sportsman in his youth, to attempt +anything contrary to the laws of hunting in favour of the hare, which he +said was killed fairly. + +The hare was caught within a yard or two of Adams, who lay asleep at +some distance from the lovers; and the hounds, in devouring it, and +pulling it backwards and forwards, had drawn it so close to him, that +some of them (by mistake perhaps for the hare's skin) laid hold of the +skirts of his cassock; others at the same time applying their teeth to +his wig, which he had with a handkerchief fastened to his head, began to +pull him about; and had not the motion of his body had more effect on +him than seemed to be wrought by the noise, they must certainly have +tasted his flesh, which delicious flavour might have been fatal to him; +but being roused by these tuggings, he instantly awaked, and with a jerk +delivering his head from his wig, he with most admirable dexterity +recovered his legs, which now seemed the only members he could entrust +his safety to. Having, therefore, escaped likewise from at least a third +part of his cassock, which he willingly left as his _exuviae_ or spoils +to the enemy, he fled with the utmost speed he could summon to his +assistance. Nor let this be any detraction from the bravery of his +character: let the number of the enemies, and the surprize in which he +was taken, be considered; and if there be any modern so outrageously +brave that he cannot admit of flight in any circumstance whatever, I say +(but I whisper that softly, and I solemnly declare without any intention +of giving offence to any brave man in the nation), I say, or rather I +whisper, that he is an ignorant fellow, and hath never read Homer nor +Virgil, nor knows he anything of Hector or Turnus; nay, he is +unacquainted with the history of some great men living, who, though as +brave as lions, ay, as tigers, have run away, the Lord knows how far, +and the Lord knows why, to the surprize of their friends and the +entertainment of their enemies. But if persons of such heroic +disposition are a little offended at the behaviour of Adams, we assure +them they shall be as much pleased with what we shall immediately relate +of Joseph Andrews. The master of the pack was just arrived, or, as the +sportsmen call it, come in, when Adams set out, as we have before +mentioned. This gentleman was generally said to be a great lover of +humour; but, not to mince the matter, especially as we are upon this +subject, he was a great hunter of men; indeed, he had hitherto followed +the sport only with dogs of his own species; for he kept two or three +couple of barking curs for that use only. However, as he thought he had +now found a man nimble enough, he was willing to indulge himself with +other sport, and accordingly, crying out, "Stole away," encouraged the +hounds to pursue Mr Adams, swearing it was the largest jack-hare he ever +saw; at the same time hallooing and hooping as if a conquered foe was +flying before him; in which he was imitated by these two or three couple +of human or rather two-legged curs on horseback which we have mentioned +before. + +Now, thou, whoever thou art, whether a muse, or by what other name soever +thou choosest to be called, who presidest over biography, and hast +inspired all the writers of lives in these our times: thou who didst +infuse such wonderful humour into the pen of immortal Gulliver; who hast +carefully guided the judgment whilst thou hast exalted the nervous manly +style of thy Mallet: thou who hadst no hand in that dedication and +preface, or the translations, which thou wouldst willingly have struck +out of the life of Cicero: lastly, thou who, without the assistance of +the least spice of literature, and even against his inclination, hast, +in some pages of his book, forced Colley Cibber to write English; do +thou assist me in what I find myself unequal to. Do thou introduce on +the plain the young, the gay, the brave Joseph Andrews, whilst men shall +view him with admiration and envy, tender virgins with love and anxious +concern for his safety. + +No sooner did Joseph Andrews perceive the distress of his friend, when +first the quick-scenting dogs attacked him, than he grasped his cudgel +in his right hand--a cudgel which his father had of his grandfather, to +whom a mighty strong man of Kent had given it for a present in that day +when he broke three heads on the stage. It was a cudgel of mighty +strength and wonderful art, made by one of Mr Deard's best workmen, whom +no other artificer can equal, and who hath made all those sticks which +the beaus have lately walked with about the Park in a morning; but this +was far his masterpiece. On its head was engraved a nose and chin, which +might have been mistaken for a pair of nutcrackers. The learned have +imagined it designed to represent the Gorgon; but it was in fact copied +from the face of a certain long English baronet, of infinite wit, humour, +and gravity. He did intend to have engraved here many histories: as the +first night of Captain B----'s play, where you would have seen critics +in embroidery transplanted from the boxes to the pit, whose ancient +inhabitants were exalted to the galleries, where they played on +catcalls. He did intend to have painted an auction room, where Mr Cock +would have appeared aloft in his pulpit, trumpeting forth the praises of +a china basin, and with astonishment wondering that "Nobody bids more +for that fine, that superb--" He did intend to have engraved many other +things, but was forced to leave all out for want of room. + +No sooner had Joseph grasped his cudgel in his hands than lightning +darted from his eyes; and the heroick youth, swift of foot, ran with the +utmost speed to his friend's assistance. He overtook him just as +Rockwood had laid hold of the skirt of his cassock, which, being torn, +hung to the ground. Reader, we would make a simile on this occasion, but +for two reasons: the first is, it would interrupt the description, which +should be rapid in this part; but that doth not weigh much, many +precedents occurring for such an interruption: the second and much the +greater reason is, that we could find no simile adequate to our purpose: +for indeed, what instance could we bring to set before our reader's eyes +at once the idea of friendship, courage, youth, beauty, strength, and +swiftness? all which blazed in the person of Joseph Andrews. Let those, +therefore, that describe lions and tigers, and heroes fiercer than both, +raise their poems or plays with the simile of Joseph Andrews, who is +himself above the reach of any simile. + +Now Rockwood had laid fast hold on the parson's skirts, and stopt his +flight; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he levelled his cudgel at +his head and laid him sprawling. Jowler and Ringwood then fell on his +greatcoat, and had undoubtedly brought him to the ground, had not +Joseph, collecting all his force, given Jowler such a rap on the back, +that, quitting his hold, he ran howling over the plain. A harder fate +remained for thee, O Ringwood! Ringwood the best hound that ever pursued +a hare, who never threw his tongue but where the scent was undoubtedly +true; good at trailing, and sure in a highway; no babler, no overrunner; +respected by the whole pack, who, whenever he opened, knew the game was +at hand. He fell by the stroke of Joseph. Thunder and Plunder, and +Wonder and Blunder, were the next victims of his wrath, and measured +their lengths on the ground. Then Fairmaid, a bitch which Mr John Temple +had bred up in his house, and fed at his own table, and lately sent the +squire fifty miles for a present, ran fiercely at Joseph and bit him by +the leg: no dog was ever fiercer than she, being descended from an +Amazonian breed, and had worried bulls in her own country, but now waged +an unequal fight, and had shared the fate of those we have mentioned +before, had not Diana (the reader may believe it or not if he pleases) +in that instant interposed, and, in the shape of the huntsman, snatched +her favourite up in her arms. + +The parson now faced about, and with his crabstick felled many to the +earth, and scattered others, till he was attacked by Caesar and pulled +to the ground. Then Joseph flew to his rescue, and with such might +fell on the victor, that, O eternal blot to his name! Caesar ran +yelping away. + +The battle now raged with the most dreadful violence, when, lo! the +huntsman, a man of years and dignity, lifted his voice, and called his +hounds from the fight, telling them, in a language they understood, that +it was in vain to contend longer, for that fate had decreed the victory +to their enemies. + +Thus far the muse hath with her usual dignity related this prodigious +battle, a battle we apprehend never equalled by any poet, romance or +life writer whatever, and, having brought it to a conclusion, she +ceased; we shall therefore proceed in our ordinary style with the +continuation of this history. The squire and his companions, whom the +figure of Adams and the gallantry of Joseph had at first thrown into a +violent fit of laughter, and who had hitherto beheld the engagement with +more delight than any chase, shooting-match, race, cock-fighting, bull +or bear baiting, had ever given them, began now to apprehend the danger +of their hounds, many of which lay sprawling in the fields. The squire, +therefore, having first called his friends about him, as guards for +safety of his person, rode manfully up to the combatants, and, summoning +all the terror he was master of into his countenance, demanded with an +authoritative voice of Joseph what he meant by assaulting his dogs in +that manner? Joseph answered, with great intrepidity, that they had +first fallen on his friend; and if they had belonged to the greatest man +in the kingdom, he would have treated them in the same way; for, whilst +his veins contained a single drop of blood, he would not stand idle by +and see that gentleman (pointing to Adams) abused either by man or +beast; and, having so said, both he and Adams brandished their wooden +weapons, and put themselves into such a posture, that the squire and his +company thought proper to preponderate before they offered to revenge +the cause of their four-footed allies. + +At this instant Fanny, whom the apprehension of Joseph's danger had +alarmed so much that, forgetting her own, she had made the utmost +expedition, came up. The squire and all the horsemen were so +surprized with her beauty, that they immediately fixed both their +eyes and thoughts solely on her, every one declaring he had never +seen so charming a creature. Neither mirth nor anger engaged them a +moment longer, but all sat in silent amaze. The huntsman only was +free from her attraction, who was busy in cutting the ears of the +dogs, and endeavouring to recover them to life; in which he succeeded +so well, that only two of no great note remained slaughtered on the +field of action. Upon this the huntsman declared, "'Twas well it was +no worse; for his part he could not blame the gentleman, and wondered +his master would encourage the dogs to hunt Christians; that it was +the surest way to spoil them, to make them follow vermin instead of +sticking to a hare." + +The squire, being informed of the little mischief that had been done, +and perhaps having more mischief of another kind in his head, accosted +Mr Adams with a more favourable aspect than before: he told him he was +sorry for what had happened; that he had endeavoured all he could to +prevent it the moment he was acquainted with his cloth, and greatly +commended the courage of his servant, for so he imagined Joseph to be. +He then invited Mr Adams to dinner, and desired the young woman might +come with him. Adams refused a long while; but the invitation was +repeated with so much earnestness and courtesy, that at length he was +forced to accept it. His wig and hat, and other spoils of the field, +being gathered together by Joseph (for otherwise probably they would +have been forgotten), he put himself into the best order he could; and +then the horse and foot moved forward in the same pace towards the +squire's house, which stood at a very little distance. + +Whilst they were on the road the lovely Fanny attracted the eyes of all: +they endeavoured to outvie one another in encomiums on her beauty; which +the reader will pardon my not relating, as they had not anything new or +uncommon in them: so must he likewise my not setting down the many +curious jests which were made on Adams; some of them declaring that +parson-hunting was the best sport in the world; others commending his +standing at bay, which they said he had done as well as any badger; with +such like merriment, which, though it would ill become the dignity of +this history, afforded much laughter and diversion to the squire and his +facetious companions. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +_A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste +and times._ + + +They arrived at the squire's house just as his dinner was ready. A +little dispute arose on the account of Fanny, whom the squire, who was a +bachelor, was desirous to place at his own table; but she would not +consent, nor would Mr Adams permit her to be parted from Joseph; so that +she was at length with him consigned over to the kitchen, where the +servants were ordered to make him drunk; a favour which was likewise +intended for Adams; which design being executed, the squire thought he +should easily accomplish what he had when he first saw her intended to +perpetrate with Fanny. + +It may not be improper, before we proceed farther, to open a little the +character of this gentleman, and that of his friends. The master of this +house, then, was a man of a very considerable fortune; a bachelor, as we +have said, and about forty years of age: he had been educated (if we may +use the expression) in the country, and at his own home, under the care +of his mother, and a tutor who had orders never to correct him, nor to +compel him to learn more than he liked, which it seems was very little, +and that only in his childhood; for from the age of fifteen he addicted +himself entirely to hunting and other rural amusements, for which his +mother took care to equip him with horses, hounds, and all other +necessaries; and his tutor, endeavouring to ingratiate himself with his +young pupil, who would, he knew, be able handsomely to provide for him, +became his companion, not only at these exercises, but likewise over a +bottle, which the young squire had a very early relish for. At the age +of twenty his mother began to think she had not fulfilled the duty of a +parent; she therefore resolved to persuade her son, if possible, to that +which she imagined would well supply all that he might have learned at a +public school or university--this is what they commonly call travelling; +which, with the help of the tutor, who was fixed on to attend him, she +easily succeeded in. He made in three years the tour of Europe, as they +term it, and returned home well furnished with French clothes, phrases, +and servants, with a hearty contempt for his own country; especially +what had any savour of the plain spirit and honesty of our ancestors. +His mother greatly applauded herself at his return. And now, being +master of his own fortune, he soon procured himself a seat in +Parliament, and was in the common opinion one of the finest gentlemen of +his age: but what distinguished him chiefly was a strange delight which +he took in everything which is ridiculous, odious, and absurd in his own +species; so that he never chose a companion without one or more of these +ingredients, and those who were marked by nature in the most eminent +degree with them were most his favourites. If he ever found a man who +either had not, or endeavoured to conceal, these imperfections, he took +great pleasure in inventing methods of forcing him into absurdities +which were not natural to him, or in drawing forth and exposing those +that were; for which purpose he was always provided with a set of +fellows, whom we have before called curs, and who did, indeed, no great +honour to the canine kind; their business was to hunt out and display +everything that had any savour of the above-mentioned qualities, and +especially in the gravest and best characters; but if they failed in +their search, they were to turn even virtue and wisdom themselves into +ridicule, for the diversion of their master and feeder. The gentlemen of +curlike disposition who were now at his house, and whom he had brought +with him from London, were, an old half-pay officer, a player, a dull +poet, a quack-doctor, a scraping fiddler, and a lame German +dancing-master. + +As soon as dinner was served, while Mr Adams was saying grace, the +captain conveyed his chair from behind him; so that when he endeavoured +to seat himself he fell down on the ground, and this completed joke the +first, to the great entertainment of the whole company. The second joke +was performed by the poet, who sat next him on the other side, and took +an opportunity, while poor Adams was respectfully drinking to the master +of the house, to overturn a plate of soup into his breeches; which, with +the many apologies he made, and the parson's gentle answers, caused much +mirth in the company. Joke the third was served up by one of the +waiting-men, who had been ordered to convey a quantity of gin into Mr +Adams's ale, which he declaring to be the best liquor he ever drank, but +rather too rich of the malt, contributed again to their laughter. Mr +Adams, from whom we had most of this relation, could not recollect all +the jests of this kind practised on him, which the inoffensive +disposition of his own heart made him slow in discovering; and indeed, +had it not been for the information which we received from a servant of +the family, this part of our history, which we take to be none of the +least curious, must have been deplorably imperfect; though we must own +it probable that some more jokes were (as they call it) cracked during +their dinner; but we have by no means been able to come at the knowledge +of them. When dinner was removed, the poet began to repeat some verses, +which, he said, were made extempore. The following is a copy of them, +procured with the greatest difficulty:-- + + _An extempore Poem on parson Adams._ + + Did ever mortal such a parson view? + His cassock old, his wig not over-new, + Well might the hounds have him for fox mistaken, + In smell more like to that than rusty bacon[A]; + But would it not make any mortal stare + To see this parson taken for a hare? + Could Phoebus err thus grossly, even he + For a good player might have taken thee. + +[A] All hounds that will hunt fox or other vermin will hunt a piece of + rusty bacon trailed on the ground. + +At which words the bard whipt off the player's wig, and received the +approbation of the company, rather perhaps for the dexterity of his hand +than his head. The player, instead of retorting the jest on the poet, +began to display his talents on the same subject. He repeated many +scraps of wit out of plays, reflecting on the whole body of the clergy, +which were received with great acclamations by all present. It was now +the dancing-master's turn to exhibit his talents; he therefore, +addressing himself to Adams in broken English, told him, "He was a man +ver well made for de dance, and he suppose by his walk dat he had learn +of some great master." He said, "It was ver pretty quality in clergyman +to dance;" and concluded with desiring him to dance a minuet, telling +him, "his cassock would serve for petticoats; and that he would himself +be his partner." At which words, without waiting for an answer, he +pulled out his gloves, and the fiddler was preparing his fiddle. The +company all offered the dancing-master wagers that the parson out-danced +him, which he refused, saying "he believed so too, for he had never seen +any man in his life who looked de dance so well as de gentleman:" he +then stepped forwards to take Adams by the hand, which the latter +hastily withdrew, and, at the same time clenching his fist, advised him +not to carry the jest too far, for he would not endure being put upon. +The dancing-master no sooner saw the fist than he prudently retired out +of its reach, and stood aloof, mimicking Adams, whose eyes were fixed on +him, not guessing what he was at, but to avoid his laying hold on him, +which he had once attempted. In the meanwhile, the captain, perceiving +an opportunity, pinned a cracker or devil to the cassock, and then +lighted it with their little smoking-candle. Adams, being a stranger to +this sport, and believing he had been blown up in reality, started from +his chair, and jumped about the room, to the infinite joy of the +beholders, who declared he was the best dancer in the universe. As soon +as the devil had done tormenting him, and he had a little recovered his +confusion, he returned to the table, standing up in the posture of one +who intended to make a speech. They all cried out, "Hear him, hear him;" +and he then spoke in the following manner: "Sir, I am sorry to see one +to whom Providence hath been so bountiful in bestowing his favours make +so ill and ungrateful a return for them; for, though you have not +insulted me yourself, it is visible you have delighted in those that do +it, nor have once discouraged the many rudenesses which have been shown +towards me; indeed, towards yourself, if you rightly understood them; +for I am your guest, and by the laws of hospitality entitled to your +protection. One gentleman had thought proper to produce some poetry upon +me, of which I shall only say, that I had rather be the subject than the +composer. He hath pleased to treat me with disrespect as a parson. I +apprehend my order is not the subject of scorn, nor that I can become +so, unless by being a disgrace to it, which I hope poverty will never be +called. Another gentleman, indeed, hath repeated some sentences, where +the order itself is mentioned with contempt. He says they are taken from +plays. I am sure such plays are a scandal to the government which +permits them, and cursed will be the nation where they are represented. +How others have treated me I need not observe; they themselves, when +they reflect, must allow the behaviour to be as improper to my years as +to my cloth. You found me, sir, travelling with two of my parishioners +(I omit your hounds falling on me; for I have quite forgiven it, whether +it proceeded from the wantonness or negligence of the huntsman): my +appearance might very well persuade you that your invitation was an act +of charity, though in reality we were well provided; yes, sir, if we had +had an hundred miles to travel, we had sufficient to bear our expenses +in a noble manner." (At which words he produced the half-guinea which +was found in the basket.) "I do not show you this out of ostentation of +riches, but to convince you I speak truth. Your seating me at your table +was an honour which I did not ambitiously affect. When I was here, I +endeavoured to behave towards you with the utmost respect; if I have +failed, it was not with design; nor could I, certainly, so far be guilty +as to deserve the insults I have suffered. If they were meant, +therefore, either to my order or my poverty (and you see I am not very +poor), the shame doth not lie at my door, and I heartily pray that the +sin may be averted from yours." He thus finished, and received a general +clap from the whole company. Then the gentleman of the house told him, +"He was sorry for what had happened; that he could not accuse him of any +share in it; that the verses were, as himself had well observed, so bad, +that he might easily answer them; and for the serpent, it was +undoubtedly a very great affront done him by the dancing-master, for +which, if he well thrashed him, as he deserved, he should be very much +pleased to see it" (in which, probably, he spoke truth). Adams answered, +"Whoever had done it, it was not his profession to punish him that way; +but for the person whom he had accused, I am a witness," says he, "of +his innocence; for I had my eye on him all the while. Whoever he was, +God forgive him, and bestow on him a little more sense as well as +humanity." The captain answered with a surly look and accent, "That he +hoped he did not mean to reflect upon him; d--n him, he had as much +imanity as another, and, if any man said he had not, he would convince +him of his mistake by cutting his throat." Adams, smiling, said, "He +believed he had spoke right by accident." To which the captain returned, +"What do you mean by my speaking right? If you was not a parson, I would +not take these words; but your gown protects you. If any man who wears a +sword had said so much, I had pulled him by the nose before this." Adams +replied, "If he attempted any rudeness to his person, he would not find +any protection for himself in his gown;" and, clenching his fist, +declared "he had thrashed many a stouter man." The gentleman did all he +could to encourage this warlike disposition in Adams, and was in hopes +to have produced a battle, but he was disappointed; for the captain made +no other answer than, "It is very well you are a parson;" and so, +drinking off a bumper to old mother Church, ended the dispute. + +Then the doctor, who had hitherto been silent, and who was the gravest +but most mischievous dog of all, in a very pompous speech highly +applauded what Adams had said, and as much discommended the behaviour +to him. He proceeded to encomiums on the Church and poverty; and, +lastly, recommended forgiveness of what had passed to Adams, who +immediately answered, "That everything was forgiven;" and in the warmth +of his goodness he filled a bumper of strong beer (a liquor he +preferred to wine), and drank a health to the whole company, shaking +the captain and the poet heartily by the hand, and addressing himself +with great respect to the doctor; who, indeed, had not laughed +outwardly at anything that past, as he had a perfect command of his +muscles, and could laugh inwardly without betraying the least symptoms +in his countenance. The doctor now began a second formal speech, in +which he declaimed against all levity of conversation, and what is +usually called mirth. He said, "There were amusements fitted for +persons of all ages and degrees, from the rattle to the discussing a +point of philosophy; and that men discovered themselves in nothing more +than in the choice of their amusements; for," says he, "as it must +greatly raise our expectation of the future conduct in life of boys +whom in their tender years we perceive, instead of taw or balls, or +other childish playthings, to chuse, at their leisure hours, to +exercise their genius in contentions of wit, learning, and such like; +so must it inspire one with equal contempt of a man, if we should +discover him playing at taw or other childish play." Adams highly +commended the doctor's opinion, and said, "He had often wondered at +some passages in ancient authors, where Scipio, Laelius, and other great +men were represented to have passed many hours in amusements of the +most trifling kind." The doctor replied, "He had by him an old Greek +manuscript where a favourite diversion of Socrates was recorded." "Ay!" +says the parson eagerly; "I should be most infinitely obliged to you +for the favour of perusing it." The doctor promised to send it him, and +farther said, "That he believed he could describe it. I think," says +he, "as near as I can remember, it was this: there was a throne +erected, on one side of which sat a king and on the other a queen, with +their guards and attendants ranged on both sides; to them was +introduced an ambassador, which part Socrates always used to perform +himself; and when he was led up to the footsteps of the throne he +addressed himself to the monarchs in some grave speech, full of virtue, +and goodness, and morality, and such like. After which, he was seated +between the king and queen, and royally entertained. This I think was +the chief part. Perhaps I may have forgot some particulars; for it is +long since I read it." Adams said, "It was, indeed, a diversion worthy +the relaxation of so great a man; and thought something resembling it +should be instituted among our great men, instead of cards and other +idle pastime, in which, he was informed, they trifled away too much of +their lives." He added, "The Christian religion was a nobler subject +for these speeches than any Socrates could have invented." The +gentleman of the house approved what Mr Adams said, and declared "he +was resolved to perform the ceremony this very evening." To which the +doctor objected, as no one was prepared with a speech, "unless," said +he (turning to Adams with a gravity of countenance which would have +deceived a more knowing man), "you have a sermon about you, doctor." +"Sir," said Adams, "I never travel without one, for fear of what may +happen." He was easily prevailed on by his worthy friend, as he now +called the doctor, to undertake the part of the ambassador; so that the +gentleman sent immediate orders to have the throne erected, which was +performed before they had drank two bottles; and, perhaps, the reader +will hereafter have no great reason to admire the nimbleness of the +servants. Indeed, to confess the truth, the throne was no more than +this: there was a great tub of water provided, on each side of which +were placed two stools raised higher than the surface of the tub, and +over the whole was laid a blanket; on these stools were placed the king +and queen, namely, the master of the house and the captain. And now the +ambassador was introduced between the poet and the doctor; who, having +read his sermon, to the great entertainment of all present, was led up +to his place and seated between their majesties. They immediately rose +up, when the blanket, wanting its supports at either end, gave way, and +soused Adams over head and ears in the water. The captain made his +escape, but, unluckily, the gentleman himself not being as nimble as he +ought, Adams caught hold of him before he descended from his throne, +and pulled him in with him, to the entire secret satisfaction of all +the company. Adams, after ducking the squire twice or thrice, leapt out +of the tub, and looked sharp for the doctor, whom he would certainly +have conveyed to the same place of honour; but he had wisely withdrawn: +he then searched for his crabstick, and having found that, as well as +his fellow travellers, he declared he would not stay a moment longer in +such a house. He then departed, without taking leave of his host, whom +he had exacted a more severe revenge on than he intended; for, as he +did not use sufficient care to dry himself in time, he caught a cold by +the accident which threw him into a fever that had like to have cost +him his life. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +_Which some readers will think too short and others too long._ + + +Adams, and Joseph, who was no less enraged than his friend at the +treatment he met with, went out with their sticks in their hands, and +carried off Fanny, notwithstanding the opposition of the servants, who +did all, without proceeding to violence, in their power to detain them. +They walked as fast as they could, not so much from any apprehension of +being pursued as that Mr Adams might, by exercise, prevent any harm from +the water. The gentleman, who had given such orders to his servants +concerning Fanny that he did not in the least fear her getting away, no +sooner heard that she was gone, than he began to rave, and immediately +despatched several with orders either to bring her back or never return. +The poet, the player, and all but the dancing-master and doctor, went on +this errand. + +The night was very dark in which our friends began their journey; +however, they made such expedition, that they soon arrived at an inn +which was at seven miles' distance. Here they unanimously consented to +pass the evening, Mr Adams being now as dry as he was before he had set +out on his embassy. + +This inn, which indeed we might call an ale-house, had not the words, +The New Inn, been writ on the sign, afforded them no better provision +than bread and cheese and ale; on which, however, they made a very +comfortable meal; for hunger is better than a French cook. + +They had no sooner supped, than Adams, returning thanks to the Almighty +for his food, declared he had eat his homely commons with much greater +satisfaction than his splendid dinner; and expressed great contempt for +the folly of mankind, who sacrificed their hopes of heaven to the +acquisition of vast wealth, since so much comfort was to be found in the +humblest state and the lowest provision. "Very true, sir," says a grave +man who sat smoaking his pipe by the fire, and who was a traveller as +well as himself. "I have often been as much surprized as you are, when I +consider the value which mankind in general set on riches, since every +day's experience shows us how little is in their power; for what, +indeed, truly desirable, can they bestow on us? Can they give beauty to +the deformed, strength to the weak, or health to the infirm? Surely if +they could we should not see so many ill-favoured faces haunting the +assemblies of the great, nor would such numbers of feeble wretches +languish in their coaches and palaces. No, not the wealth of a kingdom +can purchase any paint to dress pale Ugliness in the bloom of that young +maiden, nor any drugs to equip Disease with the vigour of that young +man. Do not riches bring us to solicitude instead of rest, envy instead +of affection, and danger instead of safety? Can they prolong their own +possession, or lengthen his days who enjoys them? So far otherwise, that +the sloth, the luxury, the care which attend them, shorten the lives of +millions, and bring them with pain and misery to an untimely grave. +Where, then, is their value if they can neither embellish nor strengthen +our forms, sweeten nor prolong our lives?--Again: Can they adorn the +mind more than the body? Do they not rather swell the heart with vanity, +puff up the cheeks with pride, shut our ears to every call of virtue, +and our bowels to every motive of compassion?" "Give me your hand, +brother," said Adams, in a rapture, "for I suppose you are a +clergyman."--"No, truly," answered the other (indeed, he was a priest of +the Church of Rome; but those who understand our laws will not wonder he +was not over-ready to own it).--"Whatever you are," cries Adams, "you +have spoken my sentiments: I believe I have preached every syllable of +your speech twenty times over; for it hath always appeared to me easier +for a cable-rope (which by the way is the true rendering of that word we +have translated camel) to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich +man to get into the kingdom of heaven."--"That, sir," said the other, +"will be easily granted you by divines, and is deplorably true; but as +the prospect of our good at a distance doth not so forcibly affect us, +it might be of some service to mankind to be made thoroughly +sensible--which I think they might be with very little serious +attention--that even the blessings of this world are not to be purchased +with riches; a doctrine, in my opinion, not only metaphysically, but, if +I may so say, mathematically demonstrable; and which I have been always +so perfectly convinced of that I have a contempt for nothing so much as +for gold." Adams now began a long discourse: but as most which he said +occurs among many authors who have treated this subject, I shall omit +inserting it. During its continuance Joseph and Fanny retired to rest, +and the host likewise left the room. When the English parson had +concluded, the Romish resumed the discourse, which he continued with +great bitterness and invective; and at last ended by desiring Adams to +lend him eighteen-pence to pay his reckoning; promising, if he never +paid him, he might be assured of his prayers. The good man answered that +eighteen-pence would be too little to carry him any very long journey; +that he had half a guinea in his pocket, which he would divide with him. +He then fell to searching his pockets, but could find no money; for +indeed the company with whom he dined had passed one jest upon him which +we did not then enumerate, and had picked his pocket of all that +treasure which he had so ostentatiously produced. + +"Bless me!" cried Adams, "I have certainly lost it; I can never have +spent it. Sir, as I am a Christian, I had a whole half-guinea in my +pocket this morning, and have not now a single halfpenny of it left. +Sure the devil must have taken it from me!"--"Sir," answered the priest, +smiling, "you need make no excuses; if you are not willing to lend me +the money, I am contented."--"Sir," cries Adams, "if I had the greatest +sum in the world--aye, if I had ten pounds about me--I would bestow it +all to rescue any Christian from distress. I am more vexed at my loss on +your account than my own. Was ever anything so unlucky? Because I have +no money in my pocket I shall be suspected to be no Christian."--"I am +more unlucky," quoth the other, "if you are as generous as you say; for +really a crown would have made me happy, and conveyed me in plenty to +the place I am going, which is not above twenty miles off, and where I +can arrive by to-morrow night. I assure you I am not accustomed to +travel pennyless. I am but just arrived in England; and we were forced +by a storm in our passage to throw all we had overboard. I don't suspect +but this fellow will take my word for the trifle I owe him; but I hate +to appear so mean as to confess myself without a shilling to such +people; for these, and indeed too many others, know little difference in +their estimation between a beggar and a thief." However, he thought he +should deal better with the host that evening than the next morning: he +therefore resolved to set out immediately, notwithstanding the darkness; +and accordingly, as soon as the host returned, he communicated to him +the situation of his affairs; upon which the host, scratching his head, +answered, "Why, I do not know, master; if it be so, and you have no +money, I must trust, I think, though I had rather always have ready +money if I could; but, marry, you look like so honest a gentleman that I +don't fear your paying me if it was twenty times as much." The priest +made no reply, but, taking leave of him and Adams as fast as he could, +not without confusion, and perhaps with some distrust of Adams's +sincerity, departed. + +He was no sooner gone than the host fell a-shaking his head, and +declared, if he had suspected the fellow had no money, he would not have +drawn him a single drop of drink, saying he despaired of ever seeing his +face again, for that he looked like a confounded rogue. + +"Rabbit the fellow," cries he, "I thought, by his talking so much about +riches, that he had a hundred pounds at least in his pocket." Adams chid +him for his suspicions, which, he said, were not becoming a Christian; +and then, without reflecting on his loss, or considering how he himself +should depart in the morning, he retired to a very homely bed, as his +companions had before; however, health and fatigue gave them a sweeter +repose than is often in the power of velvet and down to bestow. + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +_Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found in this +or perhaps any other authentic history._ + + +It was almost morning when Joseph Andrews, whose eyes the thoughts of +his dear Fanny had opened, as he lay fondly meditating on that lovely +creature, heard a violent knocking at the door over which he lay. He +presently jumped out of bed, and, opening the window, was asked if there +were no travellers in the house? and presently, by another voice, if two +men and a woman had not taken up there their lodging that night? Though +he knew not the voices, he began to entertain a suspicion of the +truth--for indeed he had received some information from one of the +servants of the squire's house of his design--and answered in the +negative. One of the servants, who knew the host well, called out to him +by his name just as he had opened another window, and asked him the same +question; to which he answered in the affirmative. O ho! said another, +have we found you? and ordered the host to come down and open his door. +Fanny, who was as wakeful as Joseph, no sooner heard all this than she +leaped from her bed, and, hastily putting on her gown and petticoats, +ran as fast as possible to Joseph's room, who then was almost drest. He +immediately let her in, and, embracing her with the most passionate +tenderness, bid her fear nothing, for he would die in her defence. "Is +that a reason why I should not fear," says she, "when I should lose what +is dearer to me than the whole world?" Joseph, then kissing her hand, +said, "He could almost thank the occasion which had extorted from her a +tenderness she would never indulge him with before." He then ran and +waked his bedfellow Adams, who was yet fast asleep, notwithstanding many +calls from Joseph; but was no sooner made sensible of their danger than +he leaped from his bed, without considering the presence of Fanny, who +hastily turned her face from him, and enjoyed a double benefit from the +dark, which, as it would have prevented any offence, to an innocence +less pure, or a modesty less delicate, so it concealed even those +blushes which were raised in her. + +Adams had soon put on all his clothes but his breeches, which, in the +hurry, he forgot; however, they were pretty well supplied by the length +of his other garments; and now, the house-door being opened, the +captain, the poet, the player, and three servants came in. The captain +told the host that two fellows, who were in his house, had run away with +a young woman, and desired to know in which room she lay. The host, who +presently believed the story, directed them, and instantly the captain +and poet, justling one another, ran up. The poet, who was the nimblest, +entering the chamber first, searched the bed, and every other part, but +to no purpose; the bird was flown, as the impatient reader, who might +otherwise have been in pain for her, was before advertised. They then +enquired where the men lay, and were approaching the chamber, when +Joseph roared out, in a loud voice, that he would shoot the first man +who offered to attack the door. The captain enquired what fire-arms they +had; to which the host answered, he believed they had none; nay, he was +almost convinced of it, for he had heard one ask the other in the +evening what they should have done if they had been overtaken, when they +had no arms; to which the other answered, they would have defended +themselves with their sticks as long as they were able, and God would +assist a just cause. This satisfied the captain, but not the poet, who +prudently retreated downstairs, saying, it was his business to record +great actions, and not to do them. The captain was no sooner well +satisfied that there were no fire-arms than, bidding defiance to +gunpowder, and swearing he loved the smell of it, he ordered the +servants to follow him, and, marching boldly up, immediately attempted +to force the door, which the servants soon helped him to accomplish. +When it was opened, they discovered the enemy drawn up three deep; Adams +in the front, and Fanny in the rear. The captain told Adams that if they +would go all back to the house again they should be civilly treated; but +unless they consented he had orders to carry the young lady with him, +whom there was great reason to believe they had stolen from her parents; +for, notwithstanding her disguise, her air, which she could not conceal, +sufficiently discovered her birth to be infinitely superior to theirs. +Fanny, bursting into tears, solemnly assured him he was mistaken; that +she was a poor helpless foundling, and had no relation in the world +which she knew of; and, throwing herself on her knees, begged that he +would not attempt to take her from her friends, who, she was convinced, +would die before they would lose her; which Adams confirmed with words +not far from amounting to an oath. The captain swore he had no leisure +to talk, and, bidding them thank themselves for what happened, he +ordered the servants to fall on, at the same time endeavouring to pass +by Adams, in order to lay hold on Fanny; but the parson, interrupting +him, received a blow from one of them, which, without considering whence +it came, he returned to the captain, and gave him so dexterous a knock +in that part of the stomach which is vulgarly called the pit, that he +staggered some paces backwards. The captain, who was not accustomed to +this kind of play, and who wisely apprehended the consequence of such +another blow, two of them seeming to him equal to a thrust through the +body, drew forth his hanger, as Adams approached him, and was levelling +a blow at his head, which would probably have silenced the preacher for +ever, had not Joseph in that instant lifted up a certain huge stone pot +of the chamber with one hand, which six beaus could not have lifted with +both, and discharged it, together with the contents, full in the +captain's face. The uplifted hanger dropped from his hand, and he fell +prostrated on the floor with a lumpish noise, and his halfpence rattled +in his pocket; the red liquor which his veins contained, and the white +liquor which the pot contained, ran in one stream down his face and his +clothes. Nor had Adams quite escaped, some of the water having in its +passage shed its honours on his head, and began to trickle down the +wrinkles or rather furrows of his cheeks, when one of the servants, +snatching a mop out of a pail of water, which had already done its duty +in washing the house, pushed it in the parson's face; yet could not he +bear him down, for the parson, wresting the mop from the fellow with one +hand, with the other brought his enemy as low as the earth, having given +him a stroke over that part of the face where, in some men of pleasure, +the natural and artificial noses are conjoined. + +Hitherto, Fortune seemed to incline the victory on the travellers' side, +when, according to her custom, she began to show the fickleness of her +disposition; for now the host, entering the field, or rather chamber of +battle, flew directly at Joseph, and, darting his head into his stomach +(for he was a stout fellow and an expert boxer), almost staggered him: +but Joseph, stepping one leg back, did with his left hand so chuck him +under the chin that he reeled. The youth was pursuing his blow with his +right hand when he received from one of the servants such a stroke with +a cudgel on his temples, that it instantly deprived him of sense, and he +measured his length on the ground. + +Fanny rent the air with her cries, and Adams was coming to the +assistance of Joseph; but the two serving-men and the host now fell on +him, and soon subdued him, though he fought like a madman, and looked so +black with the impressions he had received from the mop, that Don +Quixote would certainly have taken him for an inchanted Moor. But now +follows the most tragical part; for the captain was risen again, and, +seeing Joseph on the floor, and Adams secured, he instantly laid hold on +Fanny, and, with the assistance of the poet and player, who, hearing the +battle was over, were now come up, dragged her, crying and tearing her +hair, from the sight of her Joseph, and, with a perfect deafness to all +her entreaties, carried her downstairs by violence, and fastened her on +the player's horse; and the captain, mounting his own, and leading that +on which this poor miserable wretch was, departed, without any more +consideration of her cries than a butcher hath of those of a lamb; for +indeed his thoughts were entertained only with the degree of favour +which he promised himself from the squire on the success of this +adventure. + +The servants, who were ordered to secure Adams and Joseph as safe as +possible, that the squire might receive no interruption to his design on +poor Fanny, immediately, by the poet's advice, tied Adams to one of the +bed-posts, as they did Joseph on the other side, as soon as they could +bring him to himself; and then, leaving them together, back to back, and +desiring the host not to set them at liberty, nor to go near them, till +he had further orders, they departed towards their master; but happened +to take a different road from that which the captain had fallen into. + + + +CHAPTER X. + +_A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use in this +history but to divert the reader._ + + +Before we proceed any farther in this tragedy we shall leave Mr Joseph +and Mr Adams to themselves, and imitate the wise conductors of the +stage, who in the midst of a grave action entertain you with some +excellent piece of satire or humour called a dance. Which piece, indeed, +is therefore danced, and not spoke, as it is delivered to the audience +by persons whose thinking faculty is by most people held to lie in their +heels; and to whom, as well as heroes, who think with their hands, +Nature hath only given heads for the sake of conformity, and as they are +of use in dancing, to hang their hats on. + +The poet, addressing the player, proceeded thus, "As I was saying" (for +they had been at this discourse all the time of the engagement +above-stairs), "the reason you have no good new plays is evident; it is +from your discouragement of authors. Gentlemen will not write, sir, they +will not write, without the expectation of fame or profit, or perhaps +both. Plays are like trees, which will not grow without nourishment; but +like mushrooms, they shoot up spontaneously, as it were, in a rich soil. +The muses, like vines, may be pruned, but not with a hatchet. The town, +like a peevish child, knows not what it desires, and is always best +pleased with a rattle. A farce-writer hath indeed some chance for +success: but they have lost all taste for the sublime. Though I believe +one reason of their depravity is the badness of the actors. If a man +writes like an angel, sir, those fellows know not how to give a +sentiment utterance."--"Not so fast," says the player: "the modern +actors are as good at least as their authors, nay, they come nearer +their illustrious predecessors; and I expect a Booth on the stage again, +sooner than a Shakespear or an Otway; and indeed I may turn your +observation against you, and with truth say, that the reason no authors +are encouraged is because we have no good new plays."--"I have not +affirmed the contrary," said the poet; "but I am surprized you grow so +warm; you cannot imagine yourself interested in this dispute; I hope you +have a better opinion of my taste than to apprehend I squinted at +yourself. No, sir, if we had six such actors as you, we should soon +rival the Bettertons and Sandfords of former times; for, without a +compliment to you, I think it impossible for any one to have excelled +you in most of your parts. Nay, it is solemn truth, and I have heard +many, and all great judges, express as much; and, you will pardon me if +I tell you, I think every time I have seen you lately you have +constantly acquired some new excellence, like a snowball. You have +deceived me in my estimation of perfection, and have outdone what I +thought inimitable."--"You are as little interested," answered the +player, "in what I have said of other poets; for d--n me if there are +not many strokes, ay, whole scenes, in your last tragedy, which at least +equal Shakespear. There is a delicacy of sentiment, a dignity of +expression in it, which I will own many of our gentlemen did not do +adequate justice to. To confess the truth, they are bad enough, and I +pity an author who is present at the murder of his works."--"Nay, it is +but seldom that it can happen," returned the poet; "the works of most +modern authors, like dead-born children, cannot be murdered. It is such +wretched half-begotten, half-writ, lifeless, spiritless, low, grovelling +stuff, that I almost pity the actor who is obliged to get it by heart, +which must be almost as difficult to remember as words in a language you +don't understand."--"I am sure," said the player, "if the sentences have +little meaning when they are writ, when they are spoken they have less. +I know scarce one who ever lays an emphasis right, and much less adapts +his action to his character. I have seen a tender lover in an attitude +of fighting with his mistress, and a brave hero suing to his enemy with +his sword in his hand. I don't care to abuse my profession, but rot me +if in my heart I am not inclined to the poet's side."--"It is rather +generous in you than just," said the poet; "and, though I hate to speak +ill of any person's production--nay, I never do it, nor will--but yet, +to do justice to the actors, what could Booth or Betterton have made of +such horrible stuff as Fenton's Mariamne, Frowd's Philotas, or Mallet's +Eurydice; or those low, dirty, last-dying-speeches, which a fellow in +the city of Wapping, your Dillo or Lillo, what was his name, called +tragedies?"--"Very well," says the player; "and pray what do you think +of such fellows as Quin and Delane, or that face-making puppy young +Cibber, that ill-looked dog Macklin, or that saucy slut Mrs Clive? What +work would they make with your Shakespears, Otways, and Lees? How would +those harmonious lines of the last come from their tongues?-- + + "'--No more; for I disdain + All pomp when thou art by: far be the noise + Of kings and crowns from us, whose gentle souls + Our kinder fates have steer'd another way. + Free as the forest birds we'll pair together, + Without rememb'ring who our fathers were: + Fly to the arbors, grots, and flow'ry meads; + There in soft murmurs interchange our souls; + Together drink the crystal of the stream, + Or taste the yellow fruit which autumn yields, + And, when the golden evening calls us home, + Wing to our downy nests, and sleep till morn.' + +"Or how would this disdain of Otway-- + + "'Who'd be that foolish sordid thing call'd man?'" + +"Hold! hold! hold!" said the poet: "Do repeat that tender speech in the +third act of my play which you made such a figure in."--"I would +willingly," said the player, "but I have forgot it."--"Ay, you was not +quite perfect in it when you played it," cries the poet, "or you would +have had such an applause as was never given on the stage; an applause I +was extremely concerned for your losing."--"Sure," says the player, "if +I remember, that was hissed more than any passage in the whole +play."--"Ay, your speaking it was hissed," said the poet.--"My speaking +it!" said the player.--"I mean your not speaking it," said the poet. +"You was out, and then they hissed."--"They hissed, and then I was out, +if I remember," answered the player; "and I must say this for myself, +that the whole audience allowed I did your part justice; so don't lay +the damnation of your play to my account."--"I don't know what you mean +by damnation," replied the poet.--"Why, you know it was acted but one +night," cried the player.--"No," said the poet, "you and the whole town +were enemies; the pit were all my enemies, fellows that would cut my +throat, if the fear of hanging did not restrain them. All taylors, sir, +all taylors."--"Why should the taylors be so angry with you?" cries the +player. "I suppose you don't employ so many in making your clothes."--"I +admit your jest," answered the poet; "but you remember the affair as +well as myself; you know there was a party in the pit and upper gallery +that would not suffer it to be given out again; though much, ay +infinitely, the majority, all the boxes in particular, were desirous of +it; nay, most of the ladies swore they never would come to the house +till it was acted again. Indeed, I must own their policy was good in not +letting it be given out a second time: for the rascals knew if it had +gone a second night it would have run fifty; for if ever there was +distress in a tragedy--I am not fond of my own performance; but if I +should tell you what the best judges said of it--Nor was it entirely +owing to my enemies neither that it did not succeed on the stage as well +as it hath since among the polite readers; for you can't say it had +justice done it by the performers."--"I think," answered the player, +"the performers did the distress of it justice; for I am sure we were in +distress enough, who were pelted with oranges all the last act: we all +imagined it would have been the last act of our lives." + +The poet, whose fury was now raised, had just attempted to answer when +they were interrupted, and an end put to their discourse, by an +accident, which if the reader is impatient to know, he must skip over +the next chapter, which is a sort of counterpart to this, and contains +some of the best and gravest matters in the whole book, being a +discourse between parson Abraham Adams and Mr Joseph Andrews. + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +_Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in +affliction; calculated for the instruction and improvement of the +reader._ + + +Joseph no sooner came perfectly to himself than, perceiving his mistress +gone, he bewailed her loss with groans which would have pierced any +heart but those which are possessed by some people, and are made of a +certain composition not unlike flint in its hardness and other +properties; for you may strike fire from them, which will dart through +the eyes, but they can never distil one drop of water the same way. His +own, poor youth! was of a softer composition; and at those words, "O my +dear Fanny! O my love! shall I never, never see thee more?" his eyes +overflowed with tears, which would have become any but a hero. In a +word, his despair was more easy to be conceived than related. + +Mr Adams, after many groans, sitting with his back to Joseph, began thus +in a sorrowful tone: "You cannot imagine, my good child, that I entirely +blame these first agonies of your grief; for, when misfortunes attack us +by surprize, it must require infinitely more learning than you are +master of to resist them; but it is the business of a man and a +Christian to summon Reason as quickly as he can to his aid; and she will +presently teach him patience and submission. Be comforted, therefore, +child; I say be comforted. It is true, you have lost the prettiest, +kindest, loveliest, sweetest young woman, one with whom you might have +expected to have lived in happiness, virtue, and innocence; by whom you +might have promised yourself many little darlings, who would have been +the delight of your youth and the comfort of your age. You have not only +lost her, but have reason to fear the utmost violence which lust and +power can inflict upon her. Now, indeed, you may easily raise ideas of +horror, which might drive you to despair."--"O I shall run mad!" cries +Joseph. "O that I could but command my hands to tear my eyes out and my +flesh off!"--"If you would use them to such purposes, I am glad you +can't," answered Adams. "I have stated your misfortune as strong as I +possibly can; but, on the other side, you are to consider you are a +Christian, that no accident happens to us without the Divine permission, +and that it is the duty of a man, and a Christian, to submit. We did not +make ourselves; but the same power which made us rules over us, and we +are absolutely at his disposal; he may do with us what he pleases, nor +have we any right to complain. A second reason against our complaint is +our ignorance; for, as we know not future events, so neither can we tell +to what purpose any accident tends; and that which at first threatens us +with evil may in the end produce our good. I should indeed have said our +ignorance is twofold (but I have not at present time to divide +properly), for, as we know not to what purpose any event is ultimately +directed, so neither can we affirm from what cause it originally sprung. +You are a man, and consequently a sinner; and this may be a punishment +to you for your sins: indeed in this sense it may be esteemed as a good, +yea, as the greatest good, which satisfies the anger of Heaven, and +averts that wrath which cannot continue without our destruction. +Thirdly, our impotency of relieving ourselves demonstrates the folly and +absurdity of our complaints: for whom do we resist, or against whom do +we complain, but a power from whose shafts no armour can guard us, no +speed can fly?--a power which leaves us no hope but in submission." "O +sir!" cried Joseph, "all this is very true, and very fine, and I could +hear you all day if I was not so grieved at heart as now I am."--"Would +you take physic," says Adams, "when you are well, and refuse it when you +are sick? Is not comfort to be administered to the afflicted, and not to +those who rejoice or those who are at ease?" "O! you have not spoken one +word of comfort to me yet!" returned Joseph. "No!" cries Adams; "what am +I then doing? what can I say to comfort you?" "O tell me," cries Joseph, +"that Fanny will escape back to my arms, that they shall again enclose +that lovely creature, with all her sweetness, all her untainted +innocence about her!" "Why, perhaps you may," cries Adams, "but I can't +promise you what's to come. You must, with perfect resignation, wait the +event: if she be restored to you again, it is your duty to be thankful, +and so it is if she be not. Joseph, if you are wise and truly know your +own interest, you will peaceably and quietly submit to all the +dispensations of Providence, being thoroughly assured that all the +misfortunes, how great soever, which happen to the righteous, happen to +them for their own good. Nay, it is not your interest only, but your +duty, to abstain from immoderate grief; which if you indulge, you are +not worthy the name of a Christian." He spoke these last words with an +accent a little severer than usual; upon which Joseph begged him not to +be angry, saying, he mistook him if he thought he denied it was his +duty, for he had known that long ago. "What signifies knowing your duty, +if you do not perform it?" answered Adams. "Your knowledge increases +your guilt. O Joseph! I never thought you had this stubbornness in your +mind." Joseph replied, "He fancied he misunderstood him; which I assure +you," says he, "you do, if you imagine I endeavour to grieve; upon my +soul I don't." Adams rebuked him for swearing, and then proceeded to +enlarge on the folly of grief, telling him, all the wise men and +philosophers, even among the heathens, had written against it, quoting +several passages from Seneca, and the Consolation, which, though it was +not Cicero's, was, he said, as good almost as any of his works; and +concluded all by hinting that immoderate grief in this case might +incense that power which alone could restore him his Fanny. This reason, +or indeed rather the idea which it raised of the restoration of his +mistress, had more effect than all which the parson had said before, and +for a moment abated his agonies; but, when his fears sufficiently set +before his eyes the danger that poor creature was in, his grief returned +again with repeated violence, nor could Adams in the least asswage it; +though it may be doubted in his behalf whether Socrates himself could +have prevailed any better. + +They remained some time in silence, and groans and sighs issued from +them both; at length Joseph burst out into the following soliloquy:-- + + "Yes, I will bear my sorrows like a man, + But I must also feel them as a man. + I cannot but remember such things were, + And were most dear to me." + +Adams asked him what stuff that was he repeated? To which he answered, +they were some lines he had gotten by heart out of a play. "Ay, there is +nothing but heathenism to be learned from plays," replied he. "I never +heard of any plays fit for a Christian to read, but Cato and the +Conscious Lovers; and, I must own, in the latter there are some things +almost solemn enough for a sermon." But we shall now leave them a +little, and enquire after the subject of their conversation. + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +_More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize +the reader._ + + +Neither the facetious dialogue which passed between the poet and the +player, nor the grave and truly solemn discourse of Mr Adams, will, we +conceive, make the reader sufficient amends for the anxiety which he +must have felt on the account of poor Fanny, whom we left in so +deplorable a condition. We shall therefore now proceed to the relation +of what happened to that beautiful and innocent virgin, after she fell +into the wicked hands of the captain. + +The man of war, having conveyed his charming prize out of the inn a +little before day, made the utmost expedition in his power towards the +squire's house, where this delicate creature was to be offered up a +sacrifice to the lust of a ravisher. He was not only deaf to all her +bewailings and entreaties on the road, but accosted her ears with +impurities which, having been never before accustomed to them, she +happily for herself very little understood. At last he changed his note, +and attempted to soothe and mollify her, by setting forth the splendor +and luxury which would be her fortune with a man who would have the +inclination, and power too, to give her whatever her utmost wishes could +desire; and told her he doubted not but she would soon look kinder on +him, as the instrument of her happiness, and despise that pitiful fellow +whom her ignorance only could make her fond of. She answered, she knew +not whom he meant; she never was fond of any pitiful fellow. "Are you +affronted, madam," says he, "at my calling him so? But what better can +be said of one in a livery, notwithstanding your fondness for him?" She +returned, that she did not understand him, that the man had been her +fellow-servant, and she believed was as honest a creature as any alive; +but as for fondness for men--"I warrant ye," cries the captain, "we +shall find means to persuade you to be fond; and I advise you to yield +to gentle ones, for you may be assured that it is not in your power, by +any struggles whatever, to preserve your virginity two hours longer. It +will be your interest to consent; for the squire will be much kinder to +you if he enjoys you willingly than by force." At which words she began +to call aloud for assistance (for it was now open day), but, finding +none, she lifted her eyes to heaven, and supplicated the Divine +assistance to preserve her innocence. The captain told her, if she +persisted in her vociferation, he would find a means of stopping her +mouth. And now the poor wretch, perceiving no hopes of succour, +abandoned herself to despair, and, sighing out the name of Joseph! +Joseph! a river of tears ran down her lovely cheeks, and wet the +handkerchief which covered her bosom. A horseman now appeared in the +road, upon which the captain threatened her violently if she complained; +however, the moment they approached each other she begged him with the +utmost earnestness to relieve a distressed creature who was in the hands +of a ravisher. The fellow stopt at those words, but the captain assured +him it was his wife, and that he was carrying her home from her +adulterer, which so satisfied the fellow, who was an old one (and +perhaps a married one too), that he wished him a good journey, and rode +on. He was no sooner past than the captain abused her violently for +breaking his commands, and threatened to gagg her, when two more +horsemen, armed with pistols, came into the road just before them. She +again solicited their assistance, and the captain told the same story as +before. Upon which one said to the other, "That's a charming wench, +Jack; I wish I had been in the fellow's place, whoever he is." But the +other, instead of answering him, cried out, "Zounds, I know her;" and +then, turning to her, said, "Sure you are not Fanny Goodwill?"--"Indeed, +indeed, I am," she cried--"O John, I know you now-Heaven hath sent you +to my assistance, to deliver me from this wicked man, who is carrying me +away for his vile purposes--O for God's sake rescue me from him!" A +fierce dialogue immediately ensued between the captain and these two +men, who, being both armed with pistols, and the chariot which they +attended being now arrived, the captain saw both force and stratagem +were vain, and endeavoured to make his escape, in which however he could +not succeed. The gentleman who rode in the chariot ordered it to stop, +and with an air of authority examined into the merits of the cause; of +which being advertised by Fanny, whose credit was confirmed by the +fellow who knew her, he ordered the captain, who was all bloody from his +encounter at the inn, to be conveyed as a prisoner behind the chariot, +and very gallantly took Fanny into it; for, to say the truth, this +gentleman (who was no other than the celebrated Mr Peter Pounce, and who +preceded the Lady Booby only a few miles, by setting out earlier in the +morning) was a very gallant person, and loved a pretty girl better than +anything besides his own money or the money of other people. + +The chariot now proceeded towards the inn, which, as Fanny was informed, +lay in their way, and where it arrived at that very time while the poet +and player were disputing below-stairs, and Adams and Joseph were +discoursing back to back above; just at that period to which we brought +them both in the two preceding chapters the chariot stopt at the door, +and in an instant Fanny, leaping from it, ran up to her Joseph.--O +reader! conceive if thou canst the joy which fired the breasts of these +lovers on this meeting; and if thy own heart doth not sympathetically +assist thee in this conception, I pity thee sincerely from my own; for +let the hard-hearted villain know this, that there is a pleasure in a +tender sensation beyond any which he is capable of tasting. + +Peter, being informed by Fanny of the presence of Adams, stopt to see +him, and receive his homage; for, as Peter was an hypocrite, a sort of +people whom Mr Adams never saw through, the one paid that respect to his +seeming goodness which the other believed to be paid to his riches; +hence Mr Adams was so much his favourite, that he once lent him four +pounds thirteen shillings and sixpence to prevent his going to gaol, on +no greater security than a bond and judgment, which probably he would +have made no use of, though the money had not been (as it was) paid +exactly at the time. + +It is not perhaps easy to describe the figure of Adams; he had risen in +such a hurry, that he had on neither breeches, garters, nor stockings; +nor had he taken from his head a red spotted handkerchief, which by +night bound his wig, turned inside out, around his head. He had on his +torn cassock and his greatcoat; but, as the remainder of his cassock +hung down below his greatcoat, so did a small stripe of white, or rather +whitish, linen appear below that; to which we may add the several +colours which appeared on his face, where a long piss-burnt beard served +to retain the liquor of the stone-pot, and that of a blacker hue which +distilled from the mop.--This figure, which Fanny had delivered from his +captivity, was no sooner spied by Peter than it disordered the composed +gravity of his muscles; however, he advised him immediately to make +himself clean, nor would accept his homage in that pickle. + +The poet and player no sooner saw the captain in captivity than they +began to consider of their own safety, of which flight presented itself +as the only means; they therefore both of them mounted the poet's horse, +and made the most expeditious retreat in their power. + +The host, who well knew Mr Pounce and Lady Booby's livery, was not a +little surprized at this change of the scene; nor was his confusion much +helped by his wife, who was now just risen, and, having heard from him +the account of what had passed, comforted him with a decent number of +fools and blockheads; asked him why he did not consult her, and told him +he would never leave following the nonsensical dictates of his own +numskull till she and her family were ruined. + +Joseph, being informed of the captain's arrival, and seeing his Fanny +now in safety, quitted her a moment, and, running downstairs, went +directly to him, and stripping off his coat, challenged him to fight; +but the captain refused, saying he did not understand boxing. He then +grasped a cudgel in one hand, and, catching the captain by the collar +with the other, gave him a most severe drubbing, and ended with telling +him he had now had some revenge for what his dear Fanny had suffered. + +When Mr Pounce had a little regaled himself with some provision which he +had in his chariot, and Mr Adams had put on the best appearance his +clothes would allow him, Pounce ordered the captain into his presence, +for he said he was guilty of felony, and the next justice of peace +should commit him; but the servants (whose appetite for revenge is soon +satisfied), being sufficiently contented with the drubbing which Joseph +had inflicted on him, and which was indeed of no very moderate kind, had +suffered him to go off, which he did, threatening a severe revenge +against Joseph, which I have never heard he thought proper to take. + +The mistress of the house made her voluntary appearance before Mr +Pounce, and with a thousand curtsies told him, "She hoped his honour +would pardon her husband, who was a very nonsense man, for the sake of +his poor family; that indeed if he could be ruined alone, she should be +very willing of it; for because as why, his worship very well knew he +deserved it; but she had three poor small children, who were not capable +to get their own living; and if her husband was sent to gaol, they must +all come to the parish; for she was a poor weak woman, continually +a-breeding, and had no time to work for them. She therefore hoped his +honour would take it into his worship's consideration, and forgive her +husband this time; for she was sure he never intended any harm to man, +woman, or child; and if it was not for that block-head of his own, the +man in some things was well enough; for she had had three children by +him in less than three years, and was almost ready to cry out the fourth +time." She would have proceeded in this manner much longer, had not +Peter stopt her tongue, by telling her he had nothing to say to her +husband nor her neither. So, as Adams and the rest had assured her of +forgiveness, she cried and curtsied out of the room. + +Mr Pounce was desirous that Fanny should continue her journey with him +in the chariot; but she absolutely refused, saying she would ride behind +Joseph on a horse which one of Lady Booby's servants had equipped him +with. But, alas! when the horse appeared, it was found to be no other +than that identical beast which Mr Adams had left behind him at the inn, +and which these honest fellows, who knew him, had redeemed. Indeed, +whatever horse they had provided for Joseph, they would have prevailed +with him to mount none, no, not even to ride before his beloved Fanny, +till the parson was supplied; much less would he deprive his friend of +the beast which belonged to him, and which he knew the moment he saw, +though Adams did not; however, when he was reminded of the affair, and +told that they had brought the horse with them which he left behind, he +answered--Bless me! and so I did. + +Adams was very desirous that Joseph and Fanny should mount this horse, +and declared he could very easily walk home. "If I walked alone," says +he, "I would wage a shilling that the pedestrian outstripped the +equestrian travellers; but, as I intend to take the company of a pipe, +peradventure I may be an hour later." One of the servants whispered +Joseph to take him at his word, and suffer the old put to walk if he +would: this proposal was answered with an angry look and a peremptory +refusal by Joseph, who, catching Fanny up in his arms, averred he would +rather carry her home in that manner, than take away Mr Adams's horse +and permit him to walk on foot. + +Perhaps, reader, thou hast seen a contest between two gentlemen, or two +ladies, quickly decided, though they have both asserted they would not +eat such a nice morsel, and each insisted on the other's accepting it; +but in reality both were very desirous to swallow it themselves. Do not +therefore conclude hence that this dispute would have come to a speedy +decision: for here both parties were heartily in earnest, and it is very +probable they would have remained in the inn-yard to this day, had not +the good Peter Pounce put a stop to it; for, finding he had no longer +hopes of satisfying his old appetite with Fanny, and being desirous of +having some one to whom he might communicate his grandeur, he told the +parson he would convey him home in his chariot. This favour was by +Adams, with many bows and acknowledgments, accepted, though he +afterwards said, "he ascended the chariot rather that he might not +offend than from any desire of riding in it, for that in his heart he +preferred the pedestrian even to the vehicular expedition." All matters +being now settled, the chariot, in which rode Adams and Pounce, moved +forwards; and Joseph having borrowed a pillion from the host, Fanny had +just seated herself thereon, and had laid hold of the girdle which her +lover wore for that purpose, when the wise beast, who concluded that one +at a time was sufficient, that two to one were odds, &c., discovered +much uneasiness at his double load, and began to consider his hinder as +his fore legs, moving the direct contrary way to that which is called +forwards. Nor could Joseph, with all his horsemanship, persuade him to +advance; but, without having any regard to the lovely part of the lovely +girl which was on his back, he used such agitations, that, had not one +of the men come immediately to her assistance, she had, in plain +English, tumbled backwards on the ground. This inconvenience was +presently remedied by an exchange of horses; and then Fanny being again +placed on her pillion, on a better-natured and somewhat a better-fed +beast, the parson's horse, finding he had no longer odds to contend +with, agreed to march; and the whole procession set forwards for +Booby-hall, where they arrived in a few hours without anything +remarkable happening on the road, unless it was a curious dialogue +between the parson and the steward: which, to use the language of a late +Apologist, a pattern to all biographers, "waits for the reader in the +next chapter." + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +_A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and Mr Peter +Pounce, better worth reading than all the works of Colley Cibber and +many others._ + + +The chariot had not proceeded far before Mr Adams observed it was a very +fine day. "Ay, and a very fine country too," answered Pounce.--"I should +think so more," returned Adams, "if I had not lately travelled over the +Downs, which I take to exceed this and all other prospects in the +universe."--"A fig for prospects!" answered Pounce; "one acre here is +worth ten there; and for my own part, I have no delight in the prospect +of any land but my own."--"Sir," said Adams, "you can indulge yourself +with many fine prospects of that kind."--"I thank God I have a little," +replied the other, "with which I am content, and envy no man: I have a +little, Mr Adams, with which I do as much good as I can." Adams +answered, "That riches without charity were nothing worth; for that they +were a blessing only to him who made them a blessing to others."--"You +and I," said Peter, "have different notions of charity. I own, as it is +generally used, I do not like the word, nor do I think it becomes one of +us gentlemen; it is a mean parson-like quality; though I would not infer +many parsons have it neither."--"Sir," said Adams, "my definition of +charity is, a generous disposition to relieve the distressed."--"There +is something in that definition," answered Peter, "which I like well +enough; it is, as you say, a disposition, and does not so much consist +in the act as in the disposition to do it. But, alas! Mr Adams, who are +meant by the distressed? Believe me, the distresses of mankind are +mostly imaginary, and it would be rather folly than goodness to relieve +them."--"Sure, sir," replied Adams, "hunger and thirst, cold and +nakedness, and other distresses which attend the poor, can never be said +to be imaginary evils."--"How can any man complain of hunger," said +Peter, "in a country where such excellent salads are to be gathered in +almost every field? or of thirst, where every river and stream produces +such delicious potations? And as for cold and nakedness, they are evils +introduced by luxury and custom. A man naturally wants clothes no more +than a horse or any other animal; and there are whole nations who go +without them; but these are things perhaps which you, who do not know +the world"--"You will pardon me, sir," returned Adams; "I have read of +the Gymnosophists."--"A plague of your Jehosaphats!" cried Peter; "the +greatest fault in our constitution is the provision made for the poor, +except that perhaps made for some others. Sir, I have not an estate +which doth not contribute almost as much again to the poor as to the +land-tax; and I do assure you I expect to come myself to the parish in +the end." To which Adams giving a dissenting smile, Peter thus +proceeded: "I fancy, Mr Adams, you are one of those who imagine I am a +lump of money; for there are many who, I fancy, believe that not only my +pockets, but my whole clothes, are lined with bank-bills; but I assure +you, you are all mistaken; I am not the man the world esteems me. If I +can hold my head above water it is all I can. I have injured myself by +purchasing. I have been too liberal of my money. Indeed, I fear my heir +will find my affairs in a worse situation than they are reputed to be. +Ah! he will have reason to wish I had loved money more and land less. +Pray, my good neighbour, where should I have that quantity of riches the +world is so liberal to bestow on me? Where could I possibly, without I +had stole it, acquire such a treasure?" "Why, truly," says Adams, "I +have been always of your opinion; I have wondered as well as yourself +with what confidence they could report such things of you, which have to +me appeared as mere impossibilities; for you know, sir, and I have often +heard you say it, that your wealth is of your own acquisition; and can +it be credible that in your short time you should have amassed such a +heap of treasure as these people will have you worth? Indeed, had you +inherited an estate like Sir Thomas Booby, which had descended in your +family for many generations, they might have had a colour for their +assertions." "Why, what do they say I am worth?" cries Peter, with a +malicious sneer. "Sir," answered Adams, "I have heard some aver you are +not worth less than twenty thousand pounds." At which Peter frowned. +"Nay, sir," said Adams, "you ask me only the opinion of others; for my +own part, I have always denied it, nor did I ever believe you could +possibly be worth half that sum." "However, Mr Adams," said he, +squeezing him by the hand, "I would not sell them all I am worth for +double that sum; and as to what you believe, or they believe, I care not +a fig, no not a fart. I am not poor because you think me so, nor because +you attempt to undervalue me in the country. I know the envy of mankind +very well; but I thank Heaven I am above them. It is true, my wealth is +of my own acquisition. I have not an estate, like Sir Thomas Booby, that +has descended in my family through many generations; but I know heirs of +such estates who are forced to travel about the country like some people +in torn cassocks, and might be glad to accept of a pitiful curacy for +what I know. Yes, sir, as shabby fellows as yourself, whom no man of my +figure, without that vice of good-nature about him, would suffer to ride +in a chariot with him." "Sir," said Adams, "I value not your chariot of +a rush; and if I had known you had intended to affront me, I would have +walked to the world's end on foot ere I would have accepted a place in +it. However, sir, I will soon rid you of that inconvenience;" and, so +saying, he opened the chariot door, without calling to the coachman, and +leapt out into the highway, forgetting to take his hat along with him; +which, however, Mr Pounce threw after him with great violence. Joseph +and Fanny stopt to bear him company the rest of the way, which was not +above a mile. + + + + +BOOK IV. + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall._ + + +The coach and six, in which Lady Booby rode, overtook the other +travellers as they entered the parish. She no sooner saw Joseph than her +cheeks glowed with red, and immediately after became as totally pale. +She had in her surprize almost stopt her coach; but recollected herself +timely enough to prevent it. She entered the parish amidst the ringing +of bells and the acclamations of the poor, who were rejoiced to see +their patroness returned after so long an absence, during which time all +her rents had been drafted to London, without a shilling being spent +among them, which tended not a little to their utter impoverishing; for, +if the court would be severely missed in such a city as London, how much +more must the absence of a person of great fortune be felt in a little +country village, for whose inhabitants such a family finds a constant +employment and supply; and with the offals of whose table the infirm, +aged, and infant poor are abundantly fed, with a generosity which hath +scarce a visible effect on their benefactors' pockets! + +But, if their interest inspired so public a joy into every +countenance, how much more forcibly did the affection which they bore +parson Adams operate upon all who beheld his return! They flocked +about him like dutiful children round an indulgent parent, and vyed +with each other in demonstrations of duty and love. The parson on his +side shook every one by the hand, enquired heartily after the healths +of all that were absent, of their children, and relations; and exprest +a satisfaction in his face which nothing but benevolence made happy by +its objects could infuse. + +Nor did Joseph and Fanny want a hearty welcome from all who saw them. In +short, no three persons could be more kindly received, as, indeed, none +ever more deserved to be universally beloved. + +Adams carried his fellow-travellers home to his house, where he insisted +on their partaking whatever his wife, whom, with his children, he found +in health and joy, could provide:--where we shall leave them enjoying +perfect happiness over a homely meal, to view scenes of greater +splendour, but infinitely less bliss. + +Our more intelligent readers will doubtless suspect, by this second +appearance of Lady Booby on the stage, that all was not ended by the +dismission of Joseph; and, to be honest with them, they are in the +right: the arrow had pierced deeper than she imagined; nor was the wound +so easily to be cured. The removal of the object soon cooled her rage, +but it had a different effect on her love; that departed with his +person, but this remained lurking in her mind with his image. Restless, +interrupted slumbers, and confused horrible dreams were her portion the +first night. In the morning, fancy painted her a more delicious scene; +but to delude, not delight her; for, before she could reach the promised +happiness, it vanished, and left her to curse, not bless, the vision. + +She started from her sleep, her imagination being all on fire with the +phantom, when, her eyes accidentally glancing towards the spot where +yesterday the real Joseph had stood, that little circumstance raised his +idea in the liveliest colours in her memory. Each look, each word, each +gesture rushed back on her mind with charms which all his coldness could +not abate. Nay, she imputed that to his youth, his folly, his awe, his +religion, to everything but what would instantly have produced contempt, +want of passion for the sex, or that which would have roused her hatred, +want of liking to her. + +Reflection then hurried her farther, and told her she must see this +beautiful youth no more; nay, suggested to her that she herself had +dismissed him for no other fault than probably that of too violent an +awe and respect for herself; and which she ought rather to have esteemed +a merit, the effects of which were besides so easily and surely to have +been removed; she then blamed, she cursed the hasty rashness of her +temper; her fury was vented all on herself, and Joseph appeared innocent +in her eyes. Her passion at length grew so violent, that it forced her +on seeking relief, and now she thought of recalling him: but pride +forbad that; pride, which soon drove all softer passions from her soul, +and represented to her the meanness of him she was fond of. That thought +soon began to obscure his beauties; contempt succeeded next, and then +disdain, which presently introduced her hatred of the creature who had +given her so much uneasiness. These enemies of Joseph had no sooner +taken possession of her mind than they insinuated to her a thousand +things in his disfavour; everything but dislike of her person; a thought +which, as it would have been intolerable to bear, she checked the moment +it endeavoured to arise. Revenge came now to her assistance; and she +considered her dismission of him, stript, and without a character, with +the utmost pleasure. She rioted in the several kinds of misery which her +imagination suggested to her might be his fate; and, with a smile +composed of anger, mirth, and scorn, viewed him in the rags in which her +fancy had drest him. + +Mrs Slipslop, being summoned, attended her mistress, who had now in her +own opinion totally subdued this passion. Whilst she was dressing she +asked if that fellow had been turned away according to her orders. +Slipslop answered, she had told her ladyship so (as indeed she +had).--"And how did he behave?" replied the lady. "Truly, madam," cries +Slipslop, "in such a manner that infected everybody who saw him. The +poor lad had but little wages to receive; for he constantly allowed his +father and mother half his income; so that, when your ladyship's livery +was stript off, he had not wherewithal to buy a coat, and must have gone +naked if one of the footmen had not incommodated him with one; and +whilst he was standing in his shirt (and, to say truth, he was an +amorous figure), being told your ladyship would not give him a +character, he sighed, and said he had done nothing willingly to offend; +that for his part, he should always give your ladyship a good character +wherever he went; and he prayed God to bless you; for you was the best +of ladies, though his enemies had set you against him. I wish you had +not turned him away; for I believe you have not a faithfuller servant in +the house."--"How came you then," replied the lady, "to advise me to +turn him away?"--"I, madam!" said Slipslop; "I am sure you will do me +the justice to say, I did all in my power to prevent it; but I saw your +ladyship was angry; and it is not the business of us upper servants to +hinterfear on these occasions." "And was it not you, audacious wretch!" +cried the lady, "who made me angry? Was it not your tittle-tattle, in +which I believe you belyed the poor fellow, which incensed me against +him? He may thank you for all that hath happened; and so may I for the +loss of a good servant, and one who probably had more merit than all of +you. Poor fellow! I am charmed with his goodness to his parents. Why did +not you tell me of that, but suffer me to dismiss so good a creature +without a character? I see the reason of your whole behaviour now as +well as your complaint; you was jealous of the wenches." "I jealous!" +said Slipslop; "I assure you, I look upon myself as his betters; I am +not meat for a footman, I hope." These words threw the lady into a +violent passion, and she sent Slipslop from her presence, who departed, +tossing her nose, and crying, "Marry, come up! there are some people +more jealous than I, I believe." Her lady affected not to hear the +words, though in reality she did, and understood them too. Now ensued a +second conflict, so like the former, that it might savour of repetition +to relate it minutely. It may suffice to say that Lady Booby found good +reason to doubt whether she had so absolutely conquered her passion as +she had flattered herself; and, in order to accomplish it quite, took a +resolution, more common than wise, to retire immediately into the +country. The reader hath long ago seen the arrival of Mrs Slipslop, whom +no pertness could make her mistress resolve to part with; lately, that +of Mr Pounce, her forerunners; and, lastly, that of the lady herself. + +The morning after her arrival being Sunday, she went to church, to the +great surprize of everybody, who wondered to see her ladyship, being no +very constant church-woman, there so suddenly upon her journey. Joseph +was likewise there; and I have heard it was remarked that she fixed her +eyes on him much more than on the parson; but this I believe to be only +a malicious rumour. When the prayers were ended Mr Adams stood up, and +with a loud voice pronounced, "I publish the banns of marriage between +Joseph Andrews and Frances Goodwill, both of this parish," &c. Whether +this had any effect on Lady Booby or no, who was then in her pew, which +the congregation could not see into, I could never discover: but +certain it is that in about a quarter of an hour she stood up, and +directed her eyes to that part of the church where the women sat, and +persisted in looking that way during the remainder of the sermon in so +scrutinizing a manner, and with so angry a countenance, that most of +the women were afraid she was offended at them. The moment she returned +home she sent for Slipslop into her chamber, and told her she wondered +what that impudent fellow Joseph did in that parish? Upon which +Slipslop gave her an account of her meeting Adams with him on the road, +and likewise the adventure with Fanny. At the relation of which the +lady often changed her countenance; and when she had heard all, she +ordered Mr Adams into her presence, to whom she behaved as the reader +will see in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby._ + + +Mr Adams was not far off, for he was drinking her ladyship's health +below in a cup of her ale. He no sooner came before her than she began +in the following manner: "I wonder, sir, after the many great +obligations you have had to this family" (with all which the reader hath +in the course of this history been minutely acquainted), "that you will +ungratefully show any respect to a fellow who hath been turned out of it +for his misdeeds. Nor doth it, I can tell you, sir, become a man of your +character, to run about the country with an idle fellow and wench. +Indeed, as for the girl, I know no harm of her. Slipslop tells me she +was formerly bred up in my house, and behaved as she ought, till she +hankered after this fellow, and he spoiled her. Nay, she may still, +perhaps, do very well, if he will let her alone. You are, therefore, +doing a monstrous thing in endeavouring to procure a match between these +two people, which will be to the ruin of them both."--"Madam," said +Adams, "if your ladyship will but hear me speak, I protest I never heard +any harm of Mr Joseph Andrews; if I had, I should have corrected him for +it; for I never have, nor will, encourage the faults of those under my +care. As for the young woman, I assure your ladyship I have as good an +opinion of her as your ladyship yourself or any other can have. She is +the sweetest-tempered, honestest, worthiest young creature; indeed, as +to her beauty, I do not commend her on that account, though all men +allow she is the handsomest woman, gentle or simple, that ever appeared +in the parish."--"You are very impertinent," says she, "to talk such +fulsome stuff to me. It is mighty becoming truly in a clergyman to +trouble himself about handsome women, and you are a delicate judge of +beauty, no doubt. A man who hath lived all his life in such a parish as +this is a rare judge of beauty! Ridiculous! beauty indeed! a country +wench a beauty! I shall be sick whenever I hear beauty mentioned again. +And so this wench is to stock the parish with beauties, I hope. But, +sir, our poor is numerous enough already; I will have no more vagabonds +settled here."--"Madam," says Adams, "your ladyship is offended with me, +I protest, without any reason. This couple were desirous to consummate +long ago, and I dissuaded them from it; nay, I may venture to say, I +believe I was the sole cause of their delaying it."--"Well," says she, +"and you did very wisely and honestly too, notwithstanding she is the +greatest beauty in the parish."--"And now, madam," continued he, "I only +perform my office to Mr Joseph."--"Pray, don't mister such fellows to +me," cries the lady. "He," said the parson, "with the consent of Fanny, +before my face, put in the banns." "Yes," answered the lady, "I suppose +the slut is forward enough; Slipslop tells me how her head runs upon +fellows; that is one of her beauties, I suppose. But if they have put in +the banns, I desire you will publish them no more without my +orders."--"Madam," cries Adams, "if any one puts in a sufficient +caution, and assigns a proper reason against them, I am willing to +surcease."--"I tell you a reason," says she: "he is a vagabond, and he +shall not settle here, and bring a nest of beggars into the parish; it +will make us but little amends that they will be beauties."--"Madam," +answered Adams, "with the utmost submission to your ladyship, I have been +informed by lawyer Scout that any person who serves a year gains a +settlement in the parish where he serves."--"Lawyer Scout," replied the +lady, "is an impudent coxcomb; I will have no lawyer Scout interfere +with me. I repeat to you again, I will have no more incumbrances brought +on us: so I desire you will proceed no farther."--"Madam," returned +Adams, "I would obey your ladyship in everything that is lawful; but +surely the parties being poor is no reason against their marrying. God +forbid there should be any such law! The poor have little share enough +of this world already; it would be barbarous indeed to deny them the +common privileges and innocent enjoyments which nature indulges to the +animal creation."--"Since you understand yourself no better," cries the +lady, "nor the respect due from such as you to a woman of my +distinction, than to affront my ears by such loose discourse, I shall +mention but one short word; it is my orders to you that you publish +these banns no more; and if you dare, I will recommend it to your +master, the doctor, to discard you from his service. I will, sir, +notwithstanding your poor family; and then you and the greatest beauty +in the parish may go and beg together."--"Madam," answered Adams, "I +know not what your ladyship means by the terms master and service. I am +in the service of a Master who will never discard me for doing my duty; +and if the doctor (for indeed I have never been able to pay for a +licence) thinks proper to turn me from my cure, God will provide me, I +hope, another. At least, my family, as well as myself, have hands; and +he will prosper, I doubt not, our endeavours to get our bread honestly +with them. Whilst my conscience is pure, I shall never fear what man can +do unto me."--"I condemn my humility," said the lady, "for demeaning +myself to converse with you so long. I shall take other measures; for I +see you are a confederate with them. But the sooner you leave me the +better; and I shall give orders that my doors may no longer be open to +you. I will suffer no parsons who run about the country with beauties to +be entertained here."--"Madam," said Adams, "I shall enter into no +persons' doors against their will; but I am assured, when you have +enquired farther into this matter, you will applaud, not blame, my +proceeding; and so I humbly take my leave:" which he did with many bows, +or at least many attempts at a bow. + + + +CHAPTER III. + +_What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout._ + + +In the afternoon the lady sent for Mr Scout, whom she attacked most +violently for intermeddling with her servants, which he denied, and +indeed with truth, for he had only asserted accidentally, and perhaps +rightly, that a year's service gained a settlement; and so far he owned +he might have formerly informed the parson and believed it was law. "I +am resolved," said the lady, "to have no discarded servants of mine +settled here; and so, if this be your law, I shall send to another +lawyer." Scout said, "If she sent to a hundred lawyers, not one or all +of them could alter the law. The utmost that was in the power of a +lawyer was to prevent the law's taking effect; and that he himself could +do for her ladyship as well as any other; and I believe," says he, +"madam, your ladyship, not being conversant in these matters, hath +mistaken a difference; for I asserted only that a man who served a year +was settled. Now there is a material difference between being settled in +law and settled in fact; and as I affirmed generally he was settled, and +law is preferable to fact, my settlement must be understood in law and +not in fact. And suppose, madam, we admit he was settled in law, what +use will they make of it? how doth that relate to fact? He is not +settled in fact; and if he be not settled in fact, he is not an +inhabitant; and if he is not an inhabitant, he is not of this parish; +and then undoubtedly he ought not to be published here; for Mr Adams +hath told me your ladyship's pleasure, and the reason, which is a very +good one, to prevent burdening us with the poor; we have too many +already, and I think we ought to have an act to hang or transport half +of them. If we can prove in evidence that he is not settled in fact, it +is another matter. What I said to Mr Adams was on a supposition that he +was settled in fact; and indeed, if that was the case, I should +doubt."--"Don't tell me your facts and your ifs," said the lady; "I +don't understand your gibberish; you take too much upon you, and are +very impertinent, in pretending to direct in this parish; and you shall +be taught better, I assure you, you shall. But as to the wench, I am +resolved she shall not settle here; I will not suffer such beauties as +these to produce children for us to keep."--"Beauties, indeed! your +ladyship is pleased to be merry," answered Scout.--"Mr Adams described +her so to me," said the lady. "Pray, what sort of dowdy is it, Mr +Scout?"--"The ugliest creature almost I ever beheld; a poor dirty drab, +your ladyship never saw such a wretch."--"Well, but, dear Mr Scout, let +her be what she will, these ugly women will bring children, you know; so +that we must prevent the marriage."--"True, madam," replied Scout, "for +the subsequent marriage co-operating with the law will carry law into +fact. When a man is married he is settled in fact, and then he is not +removable. I will see Mr Adams, and I make no doubt of prevailing with +him. His only objection is, doubtless, that he shall lose his fee; but +that being once made easy, as it shall be, I am confident no farther +objection will remain. No, no, it is impossible; but your ladyship can't +discommend his unwillingness to depart from his fee. Every man ought to +have a proper value for his fee. As to the matter in question, if your +ladyship pleases to employ me in it, I will venture to promise you +success. The laws of this land are not so vulgar to permit a mean fellow +to contend with one of your ladyship's fortune. We have one sure card, +which is, to carry him before Justice Frolick, who, upon hearing your +ladyship's name, will commit him without any farther questions. As for +the dirty slut, we shall have nothing to do with her; for, if we get rid +of the fellow, the ugly jade will--"--"Take what measures you please, +good Mr Scout," answered the lady: "but I wish you could rid the parish +of both; for Slipslop tells me such stories of this wench, that I abhor +the thoughts of her; and, though you say she is such an ugly slut, yet +you know, dear Mr Scout, these forward creatures, who run after men, +will always find some as forward as themselves; so that, to prevent the +increase of beggars, we must get rid of her."--"Your ladyship is very +much in the right," answered Scout; "but I am afraid the law is a little +deficient in giving us any such power of prevention; however, the +justice will stretch it as far as he is able, to oblige your ladyship. +To say truth, it is a great blessing to the country that he is in the +commission, for he hath taken several poor off our hands that the law +would never lay hold on. I know some justices who think as much of +committing a man to Bridewell as his lordship at 'size would of hanging +him; but it would do a man good to see his worship, our justice, commit +a fellow to Bridewell, he takes so much pleasure in it; and when once we +ha'um there, we seldom hear any more o'um. He's either starved or eat up +by vermin in a month's time."--Here the arrival of a visitor put an end +to the conversation, and Mr Scout, having undertaken the cause and +promised it success, departed. + +This Scout was one of those fellows who, without any knowledge of the +law, or being bred to it, take upon them, in defiance of an act of +Parliament, to act as lawyers in the country, and are called so. They +are the pests of society, and a scandal to a profession, to which indeed +they do not belong, and which owes to such kind of rascallions the +ill-will which weak persons bear towards it. With this fellow, to whom a +little before she would not have condescended to have spoken, did a +certain passion for Joseph, and the jealousy and the disdain of poor +innocent Fanny, betray the Lady Booby into a familiar discourse, in +which she inadvertently confirmed many hints with which Slipslop, whose +gallant he was, had pre-acquainted him; and whence he had taken an +opportunity to assert those severe falsehoods of little Fanny which +possibly the reader might not have been well able to account for if we +had not thought proper to give him this information. + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the arrival of +Mr Booby and his lady._ + + +All that night, and the next day, the Lady Booby past with the utmost +anxiety; her mind was distracted and her soul tossed up and down by many +turbulent and opposite passions. She loved, hated, pitied, scorned, +admired, despised the same person by fits, which changed in a very short +interval. On Tuesday morning, which happened to be a holiday, she went +to church, where, to her surprize, Mr Adams published the banns again +with as audible a voice as before. It was lucky for her that, as there +was no sermon, she had an immediate opportunity of returning home to +vent her rage, which she could not have concealed from the congregation +five minutes; indeed, it was not then very numerous, the assembly +consisting of no more than Adams, his clerk, his wife, the lady, and one +of her servants. At her return she met Slipslop, who accosted her in +these words:--"O meam, what doth your ladyship think? To be sure, lawyer +Scout hath carried Joseph and Fanny both before the justice. All the +parish are in tears, and say they will certainly be hanged; for nobody +knows what it is for"--"I suppose they deserve it," says the lady. +"What! dost thou mention such wretches to me?"--"O dear madam," answered +Slipslop, "is it not a pity such a graceless young man should die a +virulent death? I hope the judge will take commensuration on his youth. +As for Fanny, I don't think it signifies much what becomes of her; and +if poor Joseph hath done anything, I could venture to swear she traduced +him to it: few men ever come to a fragrant punishment, but by those +nasty creatures, who are a scandal to our sect." The lady was no more +pleased at this news, after a moment's reflection, than Slipslop +herself; for, though she wished Fanny far enough, she did not desire the +removal of Joseph, especially with her. She was puzzled how to act or +what to say on this occasion, when a coach and six drove into the court, +and a servant acquainted her with the arrival of her nephew Booby and +his lady. She ordered them to be conducted into a drawing-room, whither +she presently repaired, having composed her countenance as well as she +could, and being a little satisfied that the wedding would by these +means be at least interrupted, and that she should have an opportunity +to execute any resolution she might take, for which she saw herself +provided with an excellent instrument in Scout. + +The Lady Booby apprehended her servant had made a mistake when he +mentioned Mr Booby's lady; for she had never heard of his marriage: but +how great was her surprize when, at her entering the room, her nephew +presented his wife to her; saying, "Madam, this is that charming Pamela, +of whom I am convinced you have heard so much." The lady received her +with more civility than he expected; indeed with the utmost; for she was +perfectly polite, nor had any vice inconsistent with good-breeding. They +past some little time in ordinary discourse, when a servant came and +whispered Mr Booby, who presently told the ladies he must desert them a +little on some business of consequence; and, as their discourse during +his absence would afford little improvement or entertainment to the +reader, we will leave them for a while to attend Mr Booby. + + + +CHAPTER V. + +_Containing justice business; curious precedents of depositions, and +other matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace and +their clerks._ + + +The young squire and his lady were no sooner alighted from their coach +than the servants began to inquire after Mr Joseph, from whom they said +their lady had not heard a word, to her great surprize, since he had +left Lady Booby's. Upon this they were instantly informed of what had +lately happened, with which they hastily acquainted their master, who +took an immediate resolution to go himself, and endeavour to restore his +Pamela her brother, before she even knew she had lost him. + +The justice before whom the criminals were carried, and who lived within +a short mile of the lady's house, was luckily Mr Booby's acquaintance, +by his having an estate in his neighbourhood. Ordering therefore his +horses to his coach, he set out for the judgment-seat, and arrived when +the justice had almost finished his business. He was conducted into a +hall, where he was acquainted that his worship would wait on him in a +moment; for he had only a man and a woman to commit to Bridewell first. +As he was now convinced he had not a minute to lose, he insisted on the +servant's introducing him directly into the room where the justice was +then executing his office, as he called it. Being brought thither, and +the first compliments being passed between the squire and his worship, +the former asked the latter what crime those two young people had been +guilty of? "No great crime," answered the justice; "I have only ordered +them to Bridewell for a month." "But what is their crime?" repeated the +squire. "Larceny, an't please your honour," said Scout. "Ay," says the +justice, "a kind of felonious larcenous thing. I believe I must order +them a little correction too, a little stripping and whipping." (Poor +Fanny, who had hitherto supported all with the thoughts of Joseph's +company, trembled at that sound; but, indeed, without reason, for none +but the devil himself would have executed such a sentence on her.) +"Still," said the squire, "I am ignorant of the crime--the fact I mean." +"Why, there it is in peaper," answered the justice, showing him a +deposition which, in the absence of his clerk, he had writ himself, of +which we have with great difficulty procured an authentic copy; and here +it follows _verbatim et literatim:_-- + + _The depusition of James Scout, layer, and Thomas Trotter, + yeoman, taken before mee, one of his magesty's justasses of the + piece for Zumersetshire._ + + "These deponants saith, and first Thomas Trotter for himself + saith, that on the -- of this instant October, being + Sabbath-day, betwin the ours of 2 and 4 in the afternoon, he + zeed Joseph Andrews and Francis Goodwill walk akross a certane + felde belunging to layer Scout, and out of the path which ledes + thru the said felde, and there he zede Joseph Andrews with a + nife cut one hassel twig, of the value, as he believes, of + three half-pence, or thereabouts; and he saith that the said + Francis Goodwill was likewise walking on the grass out of the + said path in the said felde, and did receive and karry in her + hand the said twig, and so was cumfarting, eading, and abatting + to the said Joseph therein. And the said James Scout for + himself says that he verily believes the said twig to be his + own proper twig," &c. + +"Jesu!" said the squire, "would you commit two persons to Bridewell for +a twig?" "Yes," said the lawyer, "and with great lenity too; for if we +had called it a young tree, they would have been both hanged." "Harkee," +says the justice, taking aside the squire; "I should not have been so +severe on this occasion, but Lady Booby desires to get them out of the +parish; so lawyer Scout will give the constable orders to let them run +away, if they please: but it seems they intend to marry together, and +the lady hath no other means, as they are legally settled there, to +prevent their bringing an incumbrance on her own parish." "Well," said +the squire, "I will take care my aunt shall be satisfied in this point; +and likewise I promise you, Joseph here shall never be any incumbrance +on her. I shall be obliged to you, therefore, if, instead of Bridewell, +you will commit them to my custody." "O! to be sure, sir, if you desire +it," answered the justice; and without more ado Joseph and Fanny were +delivered over to Squire Booby, whom Joseph very well knew, but little +guessed how nearly he was related to him. The justice burnt his +mittimus, the constable was sent about his business, the lawyer made no +complaint for want of justice; and the prisoners, with exulting hearts, +gave a thousand thanks to his honour Mr Booby; who did not intend their +obligations to him should cease here; for, ordering his man to produce a +cloak-bag, which he had caused to be brought from Lady Booby's on +purpose, he desired the justice that he might have Joseph with him into +a room; where, ordering his servant to take out a suit of his own +clothes, with linnen and other necessaries, he left Joseph to dress +himself, who, not yet knowing the cause of all this civility, excused +his accepting such a favour as long as decently he could. Whilst Joseph +was dressing, the squire repaired to the justice, whom he found talking +with Fanny; for, during the examination, she had flopped her hat over +her eyes, which were also bathed in tears, and had by that means +concealed from his worship what might perhaps have rendered the arrival +of Mr Booby unnecessary, at least for herself. The justice no sooner saw +her countenance cleared up, and her bright eyes shining through her +tears, than he secretly cursed himself for having once thought of +Bridewell for her. He would willingly have sent his own wife thither, to +have had Fanny in her place. And, conceiving almost at the same instant +desires and schemes to accomplish them, he employed the minutes whilst +the squire was absent with Joseph in assuring her how sorry he was for +having treated her so roughly before he knew her merit; and told her, +that since Lady Booby was unwilling that she should settle in her +parish, she was heartily welcome to his, where he promised her his +protection, adding that he would take Joseph and her into his own +family, if she liked it; which assurance he confirmed with a squeeze by +the hand. She thanked him very kindly, and said, "She would acquaint +Joseph with the offer, which he would certainly be glad to accept; for +that Lady Booby was angry with them both; though she did not know either +had done anything to offend her, but imputed it to Madam Slipslop, who +had always been her enemy." + +The squire now returned, and prevented any farther continuance of this +conversation; and the justice, out of a pretended respect to his guest, +but in reality from an apprehension of a rival (for he knew nothing of +his marriage), ordered Fanny into the kitchen, whither she gladly +retired; nor did the squire, who declined the trouble of explaining the +whole matter, oppose it. + +It would be unnecessary, if I was able, which indeed I am not, to +relate the conversation between these two gentlemen, which rolled, as +I have been informed, entirely on the subject of horse-racing. Joseph +was soon drest in the plainest dress he could find, which was a blue +coat and breeches, with a gold edging, and a red waistcoat with the +same: and as this suit, which was rather too large for the squire, +exactly fitted him, so he became it so well, and looked so genteel, +that no person would have doubted its being as well adapted to his +quality as his shape; nor have suspected, as one might, when my Lord +----, or Sir ----, or Mr ----, appear in lace or embroidery, that the +taylor's man wore those clothes home on his back which he should have +carried under his arm. + +The squire now took leave of the justice; and, calling for Fanny, made +her and Joseph, against their wills, get into the coach with him, which +he then ordered to drive to Lady Booby's. It had moved a few yards only, +when the squire asked Joseph if he knew who that man was crossing the +field; for, added he, I never saw one take such strides before. Joseph +answered eagerly, "O, sir, it is parson Adams!" "O la, indeed, and so it +is," said Fanny; "poor man, he is coming to do what he could for us. +Well, he is the worthiest, best-natured creature."--"Ay," said Joseph; +"God bless him! for there is not such another in the universe." "The +best creature living sure," cries Fanny. "Is he?" says the squire; "then +I am resolved to have the best creature living in my coach;" and so +saying, he ordered it to stop, whilst Joseph, at his request, hallowed +to the parson, who, well knowing his voice, made all the haste +imaginable, and soon came up with them. He was desired by the master, +who could scarce refrain from laughter at his figure, to mount into the +coach, which he with many thanks refused, saying he could walk by its +side, and he'd warrant he kept up with it; but he was at length +over-prevailed on. The squire now acquainted Joseph with his marriage; +but he might have spared himself that labour; for his servant, whilst +Joseph was dressing, had performed that office before. He continued to +express the vast happiness he enjoyed in his sister, and the value he +had for all who belonged to her. Joseph made many bows, and exprest as +many acknowledgments: and parson Adams, who now first perceived Joseph's +new apparel, burst into tears with joy, and fell to rubbing his hands +and snapping his fingers as if he had been mad. + +They were now arrived at the Lady Booby's, and the squire, desiring them +to wait a moment in the court, walked in to his aunt, and calling her +out from his wife, acquainted her with Joseph's arrival; saying, "Madam, +as I have married a virtuous and worthy woman, I am resolved to own her +relations, and show them all a proper respect; I shall think myself +therefore infinitely obliged to all mine who will do the same. It is +true, her brother hath been your servant, but he is now become my +brother; and I have one happiness, that neither his character, his +behaviour, or appearance, give me any reason to be ashamed of calling +him so. In short, he is now below, dressed like a gentleman, in which +light I intend he shall hereafter be seen; and you will oblige me beyond +expression if you will admit him to be of our party; for I know it will +give great pleasure to my wife, though she will not mention it." + +This was a stroke of fortune beyond the Lady Booby's hopes or +expectation; she answered him eagerly, "Nephew, you know how easily I am +prevailed on to do anything which Joseph Andrews desires--Phoo, I mean +which you desire me; and, as he is now your relation, I cannot refuse to +entertain him as such." The squire told her he knew his obligation to +her for her compliance; and going three steps, returned and told her--he +had one more favour, which he believed she would easily grant, as she +had accorded him the former. "There is a young woman--"--"Nephew," says +she, "don't let my good-nature make you desire, as is too commonly the +case, to impose on me. Nor think, because I have with so much +condescension agreed to suffer your brother-in-law to come to my table, +that I will submit to the company of all my own servants, and all the +dirty trollops in the country." "Madam," answered the squire, "I believe +you never saw this young creature. I never beheld such sweetness and +innocence joined with such beauty, and withal so genteel." "Upon my soul +I won't admit her," replied the lady in a passion; "the whole world +shan't prevail on me; I resent even the desire as an affront, and--" The +squire, who knew her inflexibility, interrupted her, by asking pardon, +and promising not to mention it more. He then returned to Joseph, and +she to Pamela. He took Joseph aside, and told him he would carry him to +his sister, but could not prevail as yet for Fanny. Joseph begged that +he might see his sister alone, and then be with his Fanny; but the +squire, knowing the pleasure his wife would have in her brother's +company, would not admit it, telling Joseph there would be nothing in so +short an absence from Fanny, whilst he was assured of her safety; +adding, he hoped he could not so easily quit a sister whom he had not +seen so long, and who so tenderly loved him. Joseph immediately +complied; for indeed no brother could love a sister more; and, +recommending Fanny, who rejoiced that she was not to go before Lady +Booby, to the care of Mr Adams, he attended the squire upstairs, whilst +Fanny repaired with the parson to his house, where she thought herself +secure of a kind reception. + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +_Of which you are desired to read no more than you like._ + + +The meeting between Joseph and Pamela was not without tears of joy on +both sides; and their embraces were full of tenderness and affection. +They were, however, regarded with much more pleasure by the nephew than +by the aunt, to whose flame they were fuel only; and this was increased +by the addition of dress, which was indeed not wanted to set off the +lively colours in which Nature had drawn health, strength, comeliness, +and youth. In the afternoon Joseph, at their request, entertained them +with an account of his adventures: nor could Lady Booby conceal her +dissatisfaction at those parts in which Fanny was concerned, especially +when Mr Booby launched forth into such rapturous praises of her beauty. +She said, applying to her niece, that she wondered her nephew, who had +pretended to marry for love, should think such a subject proper to +amuse his wife with; adding, that, for her part, she should be jealous +of a husband who spoke so warmly in praise of another woman. Pamela +answered, indeed, she thought she had cause; but it was an instance of +Mr Booby's aptness to see more beauty in women than they were +mistresses of. At which words both the women fixed their eyes on two +looking-glasses; and Lady Booby replied, that men were, in the general, +very ill judges of beauty; and then, whilst both contemplated only +their own faces, they paid a cross compliment to each other's charms. +When the hour of rest approached, which the lady of the house deferred +as long as decently she could, she informed Joseph (whom for the future +we shall call Mr Joseph, he having as good a title to that appellation +as many others--I mean that incontested one of good clothes) that she +had ordered a bed to be provided for him. He declined this favour to +his utmost; for his heart had long been with his Fanny; but she +insisted on his accepting it, alledging that the parish had no proper +accommodation for such a person as he was now to esteem himself. The +squire and his lady both joining with her, Mr Joseph was at last forced +to give over his design of visiting Fanny that evening; who, on her +side, as impatiently expected him till midnight, when, in complacence +to Mr Adams's family, who had sat up two hours out of respect to her, +she retired to bed, but not to sleep; the thoughts of her love kept her +waking, and his not returning according to his promise filled her with +uneasiness; of which, however, she could not assign any other cause +than merely that of being absent from him. + +Mr Joseph rose early in the morning, and visited her in whom his soul +delighted. She no sooner heard his voice in the parson's parlour than +she leapt from her bed, and, dressing herself in a few minutes, went +down to him. They passed two hours with inexpressible happiness +together; and then, having appointed Monday, by Mr Adams's permission, +for their marriage, Mr Joseph returned, according to his promise, to +breakfast at the Lady Booby's, with whose behaviour, since the evening, +we shall now acquaint the reader. + +She was no sooner retired to her chamber than she asked Slipslop "What +she thought of this wonderful creature her nephew had married?"-- +"Madam?" said Slipslop, not yet sufficiently understanding what answer +she was to make. "I ask you," answered the lady, "what you think of the +dowdy, my niece, I think I am to call her?" Slipslop, wanting no further +hint, began to pull her to pieces, and so miserably defaced her, that it +would have been impossible for any one to have known the person. The +lady gave her all the assistance she could, and ended with saying, "I +think, Slipslop, you have done her justice; but yet, bad as she is, she +is an angel compared to this Fanny." Slipslop then fell on Fanny, whom +she hacked and hewed in the like barbarous manner, concluding with an +observation that there was always something in those low-life creatures +which must eternally extinguish them from their betters. "Really," said +the lady, "I think there is one exception to your rule; I am certain you +may guess who I mean."--"Not I, upon my word, madam," said Slipslop. "I +mean a young fellow; sure you are the dullest wretch," said the lady. "O +la! I am indeed. Yes, truly, madam, he is an accession," answered +Slipslop. "Ay, is he not, Slipslop?" returned the lady. "Is he not so +genteel that a prince might, without a blush, acknowledge him for his +son? His behaviour is such that would not shame the best education. He +borrows from his station a condescension in everything to his superiors, +yet unattended by that mean servility which is called good behaviour in +such persons. Everything he doth hath no mark of the base motive of +fear, but visibly shows some respect and gratitude, and carries with it +the persuasion of love. And then for his virtues: such piety to his +parents, such tender affection to his sister, such integrity in his +friendship, such bravery, such goodness, that, if he had been born a +gentleman, his wife would have possessed the most invaluable +blessing."--"To be sure, ma'am," says Slipslop. "But as he is," answered +the lady, "if he had a thousand more good qualities, it must render a +woman of fashion contemptible even to be suspected of thinking of him; +yes, I should despise myself for such a thought."--"To be sure, ma'am," +said Slipslop. "And why to be sure?" replied the lady; "thou art always +one's echo. Is he not more worthy of affection than a dirty country +clown, though born of a family as old as the flood? or an idle worthless +rake, or little puisny beau of quality? And yet these we must condemn +ourselves to, in order to avoid the censure of the world; to shun the +contempt of others, we must ally ourselves to those we despise; we must +prefer birth, title, and fortune, to real merit. It is a tyranny of +custom, a tyranny we must comply with; for we people of fashion are the +slaves of custom."--"Marry come up!" said Slipslop, who now knew well +which party to take. "If I was a woman of your ladyship's fortune and +quality, I would be a slave to nobody."--"Me," said the lady; "I am +speaking if a young woman of fashion, who had seen nothing of the world, +should happen to like such a fellow.--Me, indeed! I hope thou dost not +imagine--"--"No, ma'am, to be sure," cries Slipslop. "No! what no?" +cried the lady. "Thou art always ready to answer before thou hast heard +one. So far I must allow he is a charming fellow. Me, indeed! No, +Slipslop, all thoughts of men are over with me. I have lost a husband +who--but if I should reflect I should run mad. My future ease must +depend upon forgetfulness. Slipslop, let me hear some of thy nonsense, +to turn my thoughts another way. What dost thou think of Mr +Andrews?"--"Why, I think," says Slipslop, "he is the handsomest, most +properest man I ever saw; and if I was a lady of the greatest degree it +would be well for some folks. Your ladyship may talk of custom, if you +please: but I am confidous there is no more comparison between young Mr +Andrews and most of the young gentlemen who come to your ladyship's +house in London; a parcel of whipper-snapper sparks: I would sooner +marry our old parson Adams. Never tell me what people say, whilst I am +happy in the arms of him I love. Some folks rail against other folks +because other folks have what some folks would be glad of."--"And so," +answered the lady, "if you was a woman of condition, you would really +marry Mr Andrews?"--"Yes, I assure your ladyship," replied Slipslop, "if +he would have me."--"Fool, idiot!" cries the lady; "if he would have a +woman of fashion! is that a question?"--"No, truly, madam," said +Slipslop, "I believe it would be none if Fanny was out of the way; and I +am confidous, if I was in your ladyship's place, and liked Mr Joseph +Andrews, she should not stay in the parish a moment. I am sure lawyer +Scout would send her packing if your ladyship would but say the word." +This last speech of Slipslop raised a tempest in the mind of her +mistress. She feared Scout had betrayed her, or rather that she had +betrayed herself. After some silence, and a double change of her +complexion, first to pale and then to red, she thus spoke: "I am +astonished at the liberty you give your tongue. Would you insinuate that +I employed Scout against this wench on account of the fellow?"--"La, +ma'am," said Slipslop, frighted out of her wits, "I assassinate such a +thing!"--"I think you dare not," answered the lady; "I believe my +conduct may defy malice itself to assert so cursed a slander. If I had +ever discovered any wantonness, any lightness in my behaviour; if I had +followed the example of some whom thou hast, I believe, seen, in +allowing myself indecent liberties, even with a husband; but the dear +man who is gone" (here she began to sob), "was he alive again" (then she +produced tears), "could not upbraid me with any one act of tenderness or +passion. No, Slipslop, all the time I cohabited with him he never +obtained even a kiss from me without my expressing reluctance in the +granting it. I am sure he himself never suspected how much I loved him. +Since his death, thou knowest, though it is almost six weeks (it wants +but a day) ago, I have not admitted one visitor till this fool my nephew +arrived. I have confined myself quite to one party of friends. And can +such a conduct as this fear to be arraigned? To be accused, not only of +a passion which I have always despised, but of fixing it on such an +object, a creature so much beneath my notice!"--"Upon my word, ma'am," +says Slipslop, "I do not understand your ladyship; nor know I anything +of the matter."--"I believe indeed thou dost not understand me. Those +are delicacies which exist only in superior minds; thy coarse ideas +cannot comprehend them. Thou art a low creature, of the Andrews breed, a +reptile of a lower order, a weed that grows in the common garden of the +creation."--"I assure your ladyship," says Slipslop, whose passions were +almost of as high an order as her lady's, "I have no more to do with +Common Garden than other folks. Really, your ladyship talks of servants +as if they were not born of the Christian specious. Servants have flesh +and blood as well as quality; and Mr Andrews himself is a proof that +they have as good, if not better. And for my own part, I can't perceive +my dears[A] are coarser than other people's; and I am sure, if Mr +Andrews was a dear of mine, I should not be ashamed of him in company +with gentlemen; for whoever hath seen him in his new clothes must +confess he looks as much like a gentleman as anybody. Coarse, quotha! I +can't bear to hear the poor young fellow run down neither; for I will +say this, I never heard him say an ill word of anybody in his life. I am +sure his coarseness doth not lie in his heart, for he is the +best-natured man in the world; and as for his skin, it is no coarser +than other people's, I am sure. His bosom, when a boy, was as white as +driven snow; and, where it is not covered with hairs, is so still. +Ifakins! if I was Mrs Andrews, with a hundred a year, I should not envy +the best she who wears a head. A woman that could not be happy with such +a man ought never to be so; for if he can't make a woman happy, I never +yet beheld the man who could. I say again, I wish I was a great lady for +his sake. I believe, when I had made a gentleman of him, he'd behave so +that nobody should deprecate what I had done; and I fancy few would +venture to tell him he was no gentleman to his face, nor to mine +neither." At which words, taking up the candles, she asked her mistress, +who had been some time in her bed, if she had any farther commands? who +mildly answered, she had none; and, telling her she was a comical +creature, bid her good-night. + +[A] Meaning perhaps ideas. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +_Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any light +French romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's +encounter with a beau._ + + +Habit, my good reader, hath so vast a prevalence over the human mind, +that there is scarce anything too strange or too strong to be asserted +of it. The story of the miser, who, from long accustoming to cheat +others, came at last to cheat himself, and with great delight and +triumph picked his own pocket of a guinea to convey to his hoard, is not +impossible or improbable. In like manner it fares with the practisers of +deceit, who, from having long deceived their acquaintance, gain at last +a power of deceiving themselves, and acquire that very opinion (however +false) of their own abilities, excellencies, and virtues, into which +they have for years perhaps endeavoured to betray their neighbours. Now, +reader, to apply this observation to my present purpose, thou must know, +that as the passion generally called love exercises most of the talents +of the female or fair world, so in this they now and then discover a +small inclination to deceit; for which thou wilt not be angry with the +beautiful creatures when thou hast considered that at the age of seven, +or something earlier, miss is instructed by her mother that master is a +very monstrous kind of animal, who will, if she suffers him to come too +near her, infallibly eat her up and grind her to pieces: that, so far +from kissing or toying with him of her own accord, she must not admit +him to kiss or toy with her: and, lastly, that she must never have any +affection towards him; for if she should, all her friends in petticoats +would esteem her a traitress, point at her, and hunt her out of their +society. These impressions, being first received, are farther and deeper +inculcated by their school-mistresses and companions; so that by the age +of ten they have contracted such a dread and abhorrence of the +above-named monster, that whenever they see him they fly from him as the +innocent hare doth from the greyhound. Hence, to the age of fourteen or +fifteen, they entertain a mighty antipathy to master; they resolve, and +frequently profess, that they will never have any commerce with him, and +entertain fond hopes of passing their lives out of his reach, of the +possibility of which they have so visible an example in their good +maiden aunt. But when they arrive at this period, and have now passed +their second climacteric, when their wisdom, grown riper, begins to see +a little farther, and, from almost daily falling in master's way, to +apprehend the great difficulty of keeping out of it; and when they +observe him look often at them, and sometimes very eagerly and earnestly +too (for the monster seldom takes any notice of them till at this age), +they then begin to think of their danger; and, as they perceive they +cannot easily avoid him, the wiser part bethink themselves of providing +by other means for their security. They endeavour, by all methods they +can invent, to render themselves so amiable in his eyes, that he may +have no inclination to hurt them; in which they generally succeed so +well, that his eyes, by frequent languishing, soon lessen their idea of +his fierceness, and so far abate their fears, that they venture to +parley with him; and when they perceive him so different from what he +hath been described, all gentleness, softness, kindness, tenderness, +fondness, their dreadful apprehensions vanish in a moment; and now (it +being usual with the human mind to skip from one extreme to its +opposite, as easily, and almost as suddenly, as a bird from one bough to +another) love instantly succeeds to fear: but, as it happens to persons +who have in their infancy been thoroughly frightened with certain +no-persons called ghosts, that they retain their dread of those beings +after they are convinced that there are no such things, so these young +ladies, though they no longer apprehend devouring, cannot so entirely +shake off all that hath been instilled into them; they still entertain +the idea of that censure which was so strongly imprinted on their tender +minds, to which the declarations of abhorrence they every day hear from +their companions greatly contribute. To avoid this censure, therefore, +is now their only care; for which purpose they still pretend the same +aversion to the monster: and the more they love him, the more ardently +they counterfeit the antipathy. By the continual and constant practice +of which deceit on others, they at length impose on themselves, and +really believe they hate what they love. Thus, indeed, it happened to +Lady Booby, who loved Joseph long before she knew it; and now loved him +much more than she suspected. She had indeed, from the time of his +sister's arrival in the quality of her niece, and from the instant she +viewed him in the dress and character of a gentleman, began to conceive +secretly a design which love had concealed from herself till a dream +betrayed it to her. + +She had no sooner risen than she sent for her nephew. When he came to +her, after many compliments on his choice, she told him, "He might +perceive, in her condescension to admit her own servant to her table, +that she looked on the family of Andrews as his relations, and indeed +hers; that, as he had married into such a family, it became him to +endeavour by all methods to raise it as much as possible. At length she +advised him to use all his heart to dissuade Joseph from his intended +match, which would still enlarge their relation to meanness and poverty; +concluding that, by a commission in the army, or some other genteel +employment, he might soon put young Mr Andrews on the foot of a +gentleman; and, that being once done, his accomplishments might quickly +gain him an alliance which would not be to their discredit." + +Her nephew heartily embraced this proposal, and, finding Mr Joseph with +his wife, at his return to her chamber, he immediately began thus: "My +love to my dear Pamela, brother, will extend to all her relations; nor +shall I show them less respect than if I had married into the family of +a duke. I hope I have given you some early testimonies of this, and +shall continue to give you daily more. You will excuse me therefore, +brother, if my concern for your interest makes me mention what may be, +perhaps, disagreeable to you to hear: but I must insist upon it, that, +if you have any value for my alliance or my friendship, you will decline +any thoughts of engaging farther with a girl who is, as you are a +relation of mine, so much beneath you. I know there may be at first some +difficulty in your compliance, but that will daily diminish; and you +will in the end sincerely thank me for my advice. I own, indeed, the +girl is handsome; but beauty alone is a poor ingredient, and will make +but an uncomfortable marriage."--"Sir," said Joseph, "I assure you her +beauty is her least perfection; nor do I know a virtue which that young +creature is not possesst of."--"As to her virtues," answered Mr Booby, +"you can be yet but a slender judge of them; but, if she had never so +many, you will find her equal in these among her superiors in birth and +fortune, which now you are to esteem on a footing with yourself; at +least I will take care they shall shortly be so, unless you prevent me +by degrading yourself with such a match, a match I have hardly patience +to think of, and which would break the hearts of your parents, who now +rejoice in the expectation of seeing you make a figure in the +world."--"I know not," replied Joseph, "that my parents have any power +over my inclinations; nor am I obliged to sacrifice my happiness to +their whim or ambition: besides, I shall be very sorry to see that the +unexpected advancement of my sister should so suddenly inspire them with +this wicked pride, and make them despise their equals. I am resolved on +no account to quit my dear Fanny; no, though I could raise her as high +above her present station as you have raised my sister."--"Your sister, +as well as myself," said Booby, "are greatly obliged to you for the +comparison: but, sir, she is not worthy to be compared in beauty to my +Pamela; nor hath she half her merit. And besides, sir, as you civilly +throw my marriage with your sister in my teeth, I must teach you the +wide difference between us: my fortune enabled me to please myself; and +it would have been as overgrown a folly in me to have omitted it as in +you to do it."--"My fortune enables me to please myself likewise," said +Joseph; "for all my pleasure is centered in Fanny; and whilst I have +health I shall be able to support her with my labour in that station to +which she was born, and with which she is content."--"Brother," said +Pamela, "Mr Booby advises you as a friend; and no doubt my papa and +mamma will be of his opinion, and will have great reason to be angry +with you for destroying what his goodness hath done, and throwing down +our family again, after he hath raised it. It would become you better, +brother, to pray for the assistance of grace against such a passion than +to indulge it."--"Sure, sister, you are not in earnest; I am sure she is +your equal, at least."--"She was my equal," answered Pamela; "but I am +no longer Pamela Andrews; I am now this gentleman's lady, and, as such, +am above her.--I hope I shall never behave with an unbecoming pride: +but, at the same time, I shall always endeavour to know myself, and +question not the assistance of grace to that purpose." They were now +summoned to breakfast, and thus ended their discourse for the present, +very little to the satisfaction of any of the parties. + +Fanny was now walking in an avenue at some distance from the house, +where Joseph had promised to take the first opportunity of coming to +her. She had not a shilling in the world, and had subsisted ever since +her return entirely on the charity of parson Adams. A young gentleman, +attended by many servants, came up to her, and asked her if that was not +the Lady Booby's house before him? This, indeed, he well knew; but had +framed the question for no other reason than to make her look up, and +discover if her face was equal to the delicacy of her shape. He no +sooner saw it than he was struck with amazement. He stopt his horse, and +swore she was the most beautiful creature he ever beheld. Then, +instantly alighting and delivering his horse to his servant, he rapt out +half-a-dozen oaths that he would kiss her; to which she at first +submitted, begging he would not be rude; but he was not satisfied with +the civility of a salute, nor even with the rudest attack he could make +on her lips, but caught her in his arms, and endeavoured to kiss her +breasts, which with all her strength she resisted, and, as our spark was +not of the Herculean race, with some difficulty prevented. The young +gentleman, being soon out of breath in the struggle, quitted her, and, +remounting his horse, called one of his servants to him, whom he ordered +to stay behind with her, and make her any offers whatever to prevail on +her to return home with him in the evening; and to assure her he would +take her into keeping. He then rode on with his other servants, and +arrived at the lady's house, to whom he was a distant relation, and was +come to pay a visit. + +The trusty fellow, who was employed in an office he had been long +accustomed to, discharged his part with all the fidelity and dexterity +imaginable, but to no purpose. She was entirely deaf to his offers, and +rejected them with the utmost disdain. At last the pimp, who had perhaps +more warm blood about him than his master, began to sollicit for +himself; he told her, though he was a servant, he was a man of some +fortune, which he would make her mistress of; and this without any +insult to her virtue, for that he would marry her. She answered, if his +master himself, or the greatest lord in the land, would marry her, she +would refuse him. At last, being weary with persuasions, and on fire +with charms which would have almost kindled a flame in the bosom of an +ancient philosopher or modern divine, he fastened his horse to the +ground, and attacked her with much more force than the gentleman had +exerted. Poor Fanny would not have been able to resist his rudeness a +short time, but the deity who presides over chaste love sent her Joseph +to her assistance. He no sooner came within sight, and perceived her +struggling with a man, than, like a cannon-ball, or like lightning, or +anything that is swifter, if anything be, he ran towards her, and, +coming up just as the ravisher had torn her handkerchief from her +breast, before his lips had touched that seat of innocence and bliss, he +dealt him so lusty a blow in that part of his neck which a rope would +have become with the utmost propriety, that the fellow staggered +backwards, and, perceiving he had to do with something rougher than the +little, tender, trembling hand of Fanny, he quitted her, and, turning +about, saw his rival, with fire flashing from his eyes, again ready to +assail him; and, indeed, before he could well defend himself, or return +the first blow, he received a second, which, had it fallen on that part +of the stomach to which it was directed, would have been probably the +last he would have had any occasion for; but the ravisher, lifting up +his hand, drove the blow upwards to his mouth, whence it dislodged three +of his teeth; and now, not conceiving any extraordinary affection for +the beauty of Joseph's person, nor being extremely pleased with this +method of salutation, he collected all his force, and aimed a blow at +Joseph's breast, which he artfully parried with one fist, so that it +lost its force entirely in air; and, stepping one foot backward, he +darted his fist so fiercely at his enemy, that, had he not caught it in +his hand (for he was a boxer of no inferior fame), it must have tumbled +him on the ground. And now the ravisher meditated another blow, which he +aimed at that part of the breast where the heart is lodged; Joseph did +not catch it as before, yet so prevented its aim that it fell directly +on his nose, but with abated force. Joseph then, moving both fist and +foot forwards at the same time, threw his head so dexterously into the +stomach of the ravisher that he fell a lifeless lump on the field, where +he lay many minutes breathless and motionless. + +When Fanny saw her Joseph receive a blow in his face, and blood running +in a stream from him, she began to tear her hair and invoke all human +and divine power to his assistance. She was not, however, long under +this affliction before Joseph, having conquered his enemy, ran to her, +and assured her he was not hurt; she then instantly fell on her knees, +and thanked God that he had made Joseph the means of her rescue, and at +the same time preserved him from being injured in attempting it. She +offered, with her handkerchief, to wipe his blood from his face; but he, +seeing his rival attempting to recover his legs, turned to him, and +asked him if he had enough? To which the other answered he had; for he +believed he had fought with the devil instead of a man; and, loosening +his horse, said he should not have attempted the wench if he had known +she had been so well provided for. + +Fanny now begged Joseph to return with her to parson Adams, and to +promise that he would leave her no more. These were propositions so +agreeable to Joseph, that, had he heard them, he would have given an +immediate assent; but indeed his eyes were now his only sense; for you +may remember, reader, that the ravisher had tore her handkerchief from +Fanny's neck, by which he had discovered such a sight, that Joseph hath +declared all the statues he ever beheld were so much inferior to it in +beauty, that it was more capable of converting a man into a statue than +of being imitated by the greatest master of that art. This modest +creature, whom no warmth in summer could ever induce to expose her +charms to the wanton sun, a modesty to which, perhaps, they owed their +inconceivable whiteness, had stood many minutes bare-necked in the +presence of Joseph before her apprehension of his danger and the horror +of seeing his blood would suffer her once to reflect on what concerned +herself; till at last, when the cause of her concern had vanished, an +admiration at his silence, together with observing the fixed position +of his eyes, produced an idea in the lovely maid which brought more +blood into her face than had flowed from Joseph's nostrils. The snowy +hue of her bosom was likewise changed to vermilion at the instant when +she clapped her handkerchief round her neck. Joseph saw the uneasiness +she suffered, and immediately removed his eyes from an object, in +surveying which he had felt the greatest delight which the organs of +sight were capable of conveying to his soul;--so great was his fear of +offending her, and so truly did his passion for her deserve the noble +name of love. + +Fanny, being recovered from her confusion, which was almost equalled by +what Joseph had felt from observing it, again mentioned her request; +this was instantly and gladly complied with; and together they crossed +two or three fields, which brought them to the habitation of Mr Adams. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +_A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and +Fanny; with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some few +readers very low, absurd, and unnatural._ + + +The parson and his wife had just ended a long dispute when the lovers +came to the door. Indeed, this young couple had been the subject of the +dispute; for Mrs Adams was one of those prudent people who never do +anything to injure their families, or, perhaps, one of those good +mothers who would even stretch their conscience to serve their children. +She had long entertained hopes of seeing her eldest daughter succeed Mrs +Slipslop, and of making her second son an exciseman by Lady Booby's +interest. These were expectations she could not endure the thoughts of +quitting, and was, therefore, very uneasy to see her husband so resolute +to oppose the lady's intention in Fanny's affair. She told him, "It +behoved every man to take the first care of his family; that he had a +wife and six children, the maintaining and providing for whom would be +business enough for him without intermeddling in other folks' affairs; +that he had always preached up submission to superiors, and would do ill +to give an example of the contrary behaviour in his own conduct; that if +Lady Booby did wrong she must answer for it herself, and the sin would +not lie at their door; that Fanny had been a servant, and bred up in the +lady's own family, and consequently she must have known more of her than +they did, and it was very improbable, if she had behaved herself well, +that the lady would have been so bitterly her enemy; that perhaps he was +too much inclined to think well of her because she was handsome, but +handsome women were often no better than they should be; that G-- made +ugly women as well as handsome ones; and that if a woman had virtue it +signified nothing whether she had beauty or no." For all which reasons +she concluded he should oblige the lady, and stop the future publication +of the banns. But all these excellent arguments had no effect on the +parson, who persisted in doing his duty without regarding the +consequence it might have on his worldly interest. He endeavoured to +answer her as well as he could; to which she had just finished her reply +(for she had always the last word everywhere but at church) when Joseph +and Fanny entered their kitchen, where the parson and his wife then sat +at breakfast over some bacon and cabbage. There was a coldness in the +civility of Mrs Adams which persons of accurate speculation might have +observed, but escaped her present guests; indeed, it was a good deal +covered by the heartiness of Adams, who no sooner heard that Fanny had +neither eat nor drank that morning than he presented her a bone of bacon +he had just been gnawing, being the only remains of his provision, and +then ran nimbly to the tap, and produced a mug of small beer, which he +called ale; however, it was the best in his house. Joseph, addressing +himself to the parson, told him the discourse which had past between +Squire Booby, his sister, and himself concerning Fanny; he then +acquainted him with the dangers whence he had rescued her, and +communicated some apprehensions on her account. He concluded that he +should never have an easy moment till Fanny was absolutely his, and +begged that he might be suffered to fetch a licence, saying he could +easily borrow the money. The parson answered, That he had already given +his sentiments concerning a licence, and that a very few days would make +it unnecessary. "Joseph," says he, "I wish this haste doth not arise +rather from your impatience than your fear; but, as it certainly springs +from one of these causes, I will examine both. Of each of these +therefore in their turn; and first for the first of these, namely, +impatience. Now, child, I must inform you that, if in your purposed +marriage with this young woman you have no intention but the indulgence +of carnal appetites, you are guilty of a very heinous sin. Marriage was +ordained for nobler purposes, as you will learn when you hear the +service provided on that occasion read to you. Nay, perhaps, if you are +a good lad, I, child, shall give you a sermon gratis, wherein I shall +demonstrate how little regard ought to be had to the flesh on such +occasions. The text will be Matthew the 5th, and part of the 28th +verse--_Whosoever looketh on a woman, so as to lust after her_. The +latter part I shall omit, as foreign to my purpose. Indeed, all such +brutal lusts and affections are to be greatly subdued, if not totally +eradicated, before the vessel can be said to be consecrated to honour. +To marry with a view of gratifying those inclinations is a prostitution +of that holy ceremony, and must entail a curse on all who so lightly +undertake it. If, therefore, this haste arises from impatience, you are +to correct, and not give way to it. Now, as to the second head which I +proposed to speak to, namely, fear: it argues a diffidence, highly +criminal, of that Power in which alone we should put our trust, seeing +we may be well assured that he is able, not only to defeat the designs +of our enemies, but even to turn their hearts. Instead of taking, +therefore, any unjustifiable or desperate means to rid ourselves of +fear, we should resort to prayer only on these occasions; and we may be +then certain of obtaining what is best for us. When any accident +threatens us we are not to despair, nor, when it overtakes us, to +grieve; we must submit in all things to the will of Providence, and set +our affections so much on nothing here that we cannot quit it without +reluctance. You are a young man, and can know but little of this world; +I am older, and have seen a great deal. All passions are criminal in +their excess; and even love itself, if it is not subservient to our +duty, may render us blind to it. Had Abraham so loved his son Isaac as +to refuse the sacrifice required, is there any of us who would not +condemn him? Joseph, I know your many good qualities, and value you for +them; but, as I am to render an account of your soul, which is committed +to my cure, I cannot see any fault without reminding you of it. You are +too much inclined to passion, child, and have set your affections so +absolutely on this young woman, that, if G-- required her at your hands, +I fear you would reluctantly part with her. Now, believe me, no +Christian ought so to set his heart on any person or thing in this +world, but that, whenever it shall be required or taken from him in any +manner by Divine Providence, he may be able, peaceably, quietly, and +contentedly to resign it." At which words one came hastily in, and +acquainted Mr Adams that his youngest son was drowned. He stood silent a +moment, and soon began to stamp about the room and deplore his loss with +the bitterest agony. Joseph, who was overwhelmed with concern likewise, +recovered himself sufficiently to endeavour to comfort the parson; in +which attempt he used many arguments that he had at several times +remembered out of his own discourses, both in private and public (for he +was a great enemy to the passions, and preached nothing more than the +conquest of them by reason and grace), but he was not at leisure now to +hearken to his advice. "Child, child," said he, "do not go about +impossibilities. Had it been any other of my children I could have borne +it with patience; but my little prattler, the darling and comfort of my +old age--the little wretch, to be snatched out of life just at his +entrance into it; the sweetest, best-tempered boy, who never did a thing +to offend me. It was but this morning I gave him his first lesson in +_Que Genus_. This was the very book he learnt; poor child! it is of no +further use to thee now. He would have made the best scholar, and have +been an ornament to the Church;--such parts and such goodness never met +in one so young." "And the handsomest lad too," says Mrs Adams, +recovering from a swoon in Fanny's arms. "My poor Jacky, shall I never +see thee more?" cries the parson. "Yes, surely," says Joseph, "and in a +better place; you will meet again, never to part more." I believe the +parson did not hear these words, for he paid little regard to them, but +went on lamenting, whilst the tears trickled down into his bosom. At +last he cried out, "Where is my little darling?" and was sallying out, +when to his great surprize and joy, in which I hope the reader will +sympathize, he met his son in a wet condition indeed, but alive and +running towards him. The person who brought the news of his misfortune +had been a little too eager, as people sometimes are, from, I believe, +no very good principle, to relate ill news; and, seeing him fall into +the river, instead of running to his assistance, directly ran to +acquaint his father of a fate which he had concluded to be inevitable, +but whence the child was relieved by the same poor pedlar who had +relieved his father before from a less distress. The parson's joy was +now as extravagant as his grief had been before; he kissed and embraced +his son a thousand times, and danced about the room like one frantic; +but as soon as he discovered the face of his old friend the pedlar, and +heard the fresh obligation he had to him, what were his sensations? not +those which two courtiers feel in one another's embraces; not those with +which a great man receives the vile treacherous engines of his wicked +purposes, not those with which a worthless younger brother wishes his +elder joy of a son, or a man congratulates his rival on his obtaining a +mistress, a place, or an honour.--No, reader; he felt the ebullition, +the overflowings of a full, honest, open heart, towards the person who +had conferred a real obligation, and of which, if thou canst not +conceive an idea within, I will not vainly endeavour to assist thee. + +When these tumults were over, the parson, taking Joseph aside, proceeded +thus--"No, Joseph, do not give too much way to thy passions, if thou +dost expect happiness." The patience of Joseph, nor perhaps of Job, +could bear no longer; he interrupted the parson, saying, "It was easier +to give advice than take it; nor did he perceive he could so entirely +conquer himself, when he apprehended he had lost his son, or when he +found him recovered."--"Boy," replied Adams, raising his voice, "it doth +not become green heads to advise grey hairs.--Thou art ignorant of the +tenderness of fatherly affection; when thou art a father thou wilt be +capable then only of knowing what a father can feel. No man is obliged +to impossibilities; and the loss of a child is one of those great trials +where our grief may be allowed to become immoderate."--"Well, sir," +cries Joseph, "and if I love a mistress as well as you your child, +surely her loss would grieve me equally."--"Yes, but such love is +foolishness and wrong in itself, and ought to be conquered," answered +Adams; "it savours too much of the flesh."--"Sure, sir," says Joseph, +"it is not sinful to love my wife, no, not even to doat on her to +distraction!"--"Indeed but it is," says Adams. "Every man ought to love +his wife, no doubt; we are commanded so to do; but we ought to love her +with moderation and discretion."--"I am afraid I shall be guilty of some +sin in spite of all my endeavours," says Joseph; "for I shall love +without any moderation, I am sure."--"You talk foolishly and +childishly," cries Adams.--"Indeed," says Mrs Adams, who had listened to +the latter part of their conversation, "you talk more foolishly yourself. +I hope, my dear, you will never preach any such doctrine as that +husbands can love their wives too well. If I knew you had such a sermon +in the house I am sure I would burn it, and I declare, if I had not been +convinced you had loved me as well as you could, I can answer for +myself, I should have hated and despised you. Marry come up! Fine +doctrine, indeed! A wife hath a right to insist on her husband's loving +her as much as ever he can; and he is a sinful villain who doth not. +Doth he not promise to love her, and to comfort her, and to cherish her, +and all that? I am sure I remember it all as well as if I had repeated +it over but yesterday, and shall never forget it. Besides, I am certain +you do not preach as you practise; for you have been a loving and a +cherishing husband to me; that's the truth on't; and why you should +endeavour to put such wicked nonsense into this young man's head I +cannot devise. Don't hearken to him, Mr Joseph; be as good a husband as +you are able, and love your wife with all your body and soul too." Here +a violent rap at the door put an end to their discourse, and produced a +scene which the reader will find in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +_A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to +the parson._ + + +The Lady Booby had no sooner had an account from the gentleman of his +meeting a wonderful beauty near her house, and perceived the raptures +with which he spoke of her, than, immediately concluding it must be +Fanny, she began to meditate a design of bringing them better +acquainted; and to entertain hopes that the fine clothes, presents, and +promises of this youth, would prevail on her to abandon Joseph: she +therefore proposed to her company a walk in the fields before dinner, +when she led them towards Mr Adams's house; and, as she approached it, +told them if they pleased she would divert them with one of the most +ridiculous sights they had ever seen, which was an old foolish parson, +who, she said, laughing, kept a wife and six brats on a salary of about +twenty pounds a year; adding, that there was not such another ragged +family in the parish. They all readily agreed to this visit, and arrived +whilst Mrs Adams was declaiming as in the last chapter. Beau Didapper, +which was the name of the young gentleman we have seen riding towards +Lady Booby's, with his cane mimicked the rap of a London footman at the +door. The people within, namely, Adams, his wife and three children, +Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar, were all thrown into confusion by this +knock, but Adams went directly to the door, which being opened, the Lady +Booby and her company walked in, and were received by the parson with +about two hundred bows, and by his wife with as many curtsies; the +latter telling the lady "She was ashamed to be seen in such a pickle, +and that her house was in such a litter; but that if she had expected +such an honour from her ladyship she should have found her in a better +manner." The parson made no apologies, though he was in his half-cassock +and a flannel nightcap. He said "They were heartily welcome to his poor +cottage," and turning to Mr Didapper, cried out, "_Non mea renidet in +domo lacunar_." The beau answered, "He did not understand Welsh;" at +which the parson stared and made no reply. + +Mr Didapper, or beau Didapper, was a young gentleman of about four foot +five inches in height. He wore his own hair, though the scarcity of it +might have given him sufficient excuse for a periwig. His face was thin +and pale; the shape of his body and legs none of the best, for he had +very narrow shoulders and no calf; and his gait might more properly be +called hopping than walking. The qualifications of his mind were well +adapted to his person. We shall handle them first negatively. He was not +entirely ignorant; for he could talk a little French and sing two or +three Italian songs; he had lived too much in the world to be bashful, +and too much at court to be proud: he seemed not much inclined to +avarice, for he was profuse in his expenses; nor had he all the features +of prodigality, for he never gave a shilling: no hater of women, for he +always dangled after them; yet so little subject to lust, that he had, +among those who knew him best, the character of great moderation in his +pleasures; no drinker of wine; nor so addicted to passion but that a hot +word or two from an adversary made him immediately cool. + +Now, to give him only a dash or two on the affirmative side: though he +was born to an immense fortune, he chose, for the pitiful and dirty +consideration of a place of little consequence, to depend entirely on +the will of a fellow whom they call a great man; who treated him with +the utmost disrespect, and exacted of him a plenary obedience to his +commands, which he implicitly submitted to, at the expense of his +conscience, his honour, and of his country, in which he had himself so +very large a share. And to finish his character; as he was entirely well +satisfied with his own person and parts, so he was very apt to ridicule +and laugh at any imperfection in another. Such was the little person, or +rather thing, that hopped after Lady Booby into Mr Adams's kitchen. + +The parson and his company retreated from the chimney-side, where they +had been seated, to give room to the lady and hers. Instead of returning +any of the curtsies or extraordinary civility of Mrs Adams, the lady, +turning to Mr Booby, cried out, "_Quelle Bete! Quel Animal!_" And +presently after discovering Fanny (for she did not need the circumstance +of her standing by Joseph to assure the identity of her person), she +asked the beau "Whether he did not think her a pretty girl?"--"Begad, +madam," answered he, "'tis the very same I met." "I did not imagine," +replied the lady, "you had so good a taste."--"Because I never liked +you, I warrant," cries the beau. "Ridiculous!" said she: "you know you +was always my aversion." "I would never mention aversion," answered the +beau, "with that face[A]; dear Lady Booby, wash your face before you +mention aversion, I beseech you." He then laughed, and turned about to +coquet it with Fanny. + +[A] Lest this should appear unnatural to some readers, we think proper + to acquaint them, that it is taken verbatim from very polite + conversation. + +Mrs Adams had been all this time begging and praying the ladies to sit +down, a favour which she at last obtained. The little boy to whom the +accident had happened, still keeping his place by the fire, was chid by +his mother for not being more mannerly: but Lady Booby took his part, +and, commending his beauty, told the parson he was his very picture. She +then, seeing a book in his hand, asked "If he could read?"--"Yes," cried +Adams, "a little Latin, madam: he is just got into Quae Genus."--"A fig +for quere genius!" answered she; "let me hear him read a little +English."--"Lege, Dick, lege," said Adams: but the boy made no answer, +till he saw the parson knit his brows, and then cried, "I don't +understand you, father."--"How, boy!" says Adams; "what doth lego make +in the imperative mood? Legito, doth it not?"--"Yes," answered +Dick.--"And what besides ?" says the father. "Lege," quoth the son, +after some hesitation. "A good boy," says the father: "and now, child, +what is the English of lego?"--To which the boy, after long puzzling, +answered, he could not tell. "How!" cries Adams, in a passion;--"what, +hath the water washed away your learning? Why, what is Latin for the +English verb read? Consider before you speak." The child considered some +time, and then the parson cried twice or thrice, "Le--, Le--." Dick +answered, "Lego."--"Very well;--and then what is the English," says the +parson, "of the verb lego?"--"To read," cried Dick.--"Very well," said +the parson; "a good boy: you can do well if you will take pains.--I +assure your ladyship he is not much above eight years old, and is out of +his Propria quae Maribus already.--Come, Dick, read to her +ladyship;"--which she again desiring, in order to give the beau time and +opportunity with Fanny, Dick began as in the following chapter. + + + +CHAPTER X. + +_The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson to all +those persons who happen to take up their residence in married +families._ + + +"Leonard and Paul were two friends."--"Pronounce it Lennard, child," +cried the parson.--"Pray, Mr Adams," says Lady Booby, "let your son read +without interruption." Dick then proceeded. "Lennard and Paul were two +friends, who, having been educated together at the same school, +commenced a friendship which they preserved a long time for each other. +It was so deeply fixed in both their minds, that a long absence, during +which they had maintained no correspondence, did not eradicate nor +lessen it: but it revived in all its force at their first meeting, which +was not till after fifteen years' absence, most of which time Lennard +had spent in the East Indi-es."--"Pronounce it short, Indies," says +Adams.--"Pray? sir, be quiet," says the lady.--The boy repeated--"in the +East Indies, whilst Paul had served his king and country in the army. In +which different services they had found such different success, that +Lennard was now married, and retired with a fortune of thirty thousand +pounds; and Paul was arrived to the degree of a lieutenant of foot; and +was not worth a single shilling. + +"The regiment in which Paul was stationed happened to be ordered into +quarters within a small distance from the estate which Lennard had +purchased, and where he was settled. This latter, who was now become a +country gentleman, and a justice of peace, came to attend the quarter +sessions in the town where his old friend was quartered, soon after his +arrival. Some affair in which a soldier was concerned occasioned Paul to +attend the justices. Manhood, and time, and the change of climate had so +much altered Lennard, that Paul did not immediately recollect the +features of his old acquaintance: but it was otherwise with Lennard. He +knew Paul the moment he saw him; nor could he contain himself from +quitting the bench, and running hastily to embrace him. Paul stood at +first a little surprized; but had soon sufficient information from his +friend, whom he no sooner remembered than he returned his embrace with a +passion which made many of the spectators laugh, and gave to some few a +much higher and more agreeable sensation. + +"Not to detain the reader with minute circumstances, Lennard insisted on +his friend's returning with him to his house that evening; which request +was complied with, and leave for a month's absence for Paul obtained of +the commanding officer. + +"If it was possible for any circumstance to give any addition to the +happiness which Paul proposed in this visit, he received that additional +pleasure by finding, on his arrival at his friend's house, that his lady +was an old acquaintance which he had formerly contracted at his +quarters, and who had always appeared to be of a most agreeable temper; +a character she had ever maintained among her intimates, being of that +number, every individual of which is called quite the best sort of woman +in the world. + +"But, good as this lady was, she was still a woman; that is to say, an +angel, and not an angel."--"You must mistake, child," cries the parson, +"for you read nonsense."--"It is so in the book," answered the son. Mr +Adams was then silenced by authority, and Dick proceeded--"For though +her person was of that kind to which men attribute the name of angel, +yet in her mind she was perfectly woman. Of which a great degree of +obstinacy gave the most remarkable and perhaps most pernicious instance. + +"A day or two passed after Paul's arrival before any instances of this +appeared; but it was impossible to conceal it long. Both she and her +husband soon lost all apprehension from their friend's presence, and +fell to their disputes with as much vigour as ever. These were still +pursued with the utmost ardour and eagerness, however trifling the +causes were whence they first arose. Nay, however incredible it may +seem, the little consequence of the matter in debate was frequently +given as a reason for the fierceness of the contention, as thus: 'If you +loved me, sure you would never dispute with me such a trifle as this.' +The answer to which is very obvious; for the argument would hold equally +on both sides, and was constantly retorted with some addition, as--'I am +sure I have much more reason to say so, who am in the right.' During all +these disputes, Paul always kept strict silence, and preserved an even +countenance, without showing the least visible inclination to either +party. One day, however, when madam had left the room in a violent fury, +Lennard could not refrain from referring his cause to his friend. Was +ever anything so unreasonable, says he, as this woman? What shall I do +with her? I doat on her to distraction; nor have I any cause to complain +of, more than this obstinacy in her temper; whatever she asserts, she +will maintain against all the reason and conviction in the world. Pray +give me your advice.--First, says Paul, I will give my opinion, which +is, flatly, that you are in the wrong; for, supposing she is in the +wrong, was the subject of your contention any ways material? What +signified it whether you was married in a red or a yellow waistcoat? for +that was your dispute. Now, suppose she was mistaken; as you love her +you say so tenderly, and I believe she deserves it, would it not have +been wiser to have yielded, though you certainly knew yourself in the +right, than to give either her or yourself any uneasiness. For my own +part, if ever I marry, I am resolved to enter into an agreement with my +wife, that in all disputes (especially about trifles) that party who is +most convinced they are right shall always surrender the victory; by +which means we shall both be forward to give up the cause. I own, said +Lennard, my dear friend, shaking him by the hand, there is great truth +and reason in what you say; and I will for the future endeavour to +follow your advice. They soon after broke up the conversation, and +Lennard, going to his wife, asked her pardon, and told her his friend +had convinced him he had been in the wrong. She immediately began a vast +encomium on Paul, in which he seconded her, and both agreed he was the +worthiest and wisest man upon earth. When next they met, which was at +supper, though she had promised not to mention what her husband told +her, she could not forbear casting the kindest and most affectionate +looks on Paul, and asked him, with the sweetest voice, whether she +should help him to some potted woodcock? Potted partridge, my dear, you +mean, says the husband. My dear, says she, I ask your friend if he will +eat any potted woodcock; and I am sure I must know, who potted it. I +think I should know too, who shot them, replied the husband, and I am +convinced that I have not seen a woodcock this year; however, though I +know I am in the right, I submit, and the potted partridge is potted +woodcock if you desire to have it so. It is equal to me, says she, +whether it is one or the other; but you would persuade one out of one's +senses; to be sure, you are always in the right in your own opinion; but +your friend, I believe, knows which he is eating. Paul answered nothing, +and the dispute continued, as usual, the greatest part of the evening. +The next morning the lady, accidentally meeting Paul, and being +convinced he was her friend, and of her side, accosted him thus:--I am +certain, sir, you have long since wondered at the unreasonableness of my +husband. He is indeed, in other respects, a good sort of man, but so +positive, that no woman but one of my complying temper could possibly +live with him. Why, last night, now, was ever any creature so +unreasonable? I am certain you must condemn him. Pray, answer me, was he +not in the wrong? Paul, after a short silence, spoke as follows: I am +sorry, madam, that, as good manners obliges me to answer against my +will, so an adherence to truth forces me to declare myself of a +different opinion. To be plain and honest, you was entirely in the +wrong; the cause I own not worth disputing, but the bird was undoubtedly +a partridge. O sir! replyed the lady, I cannot possibly help your taste. +Madam, returned Paul, that is very little material; for, had it been +otherwise, a husband might have expected submission.--Indeed! sir, says +she, I assure you!--Yes, madam, cryed he, he might, from a person of +your excellent understanding; and pardon me for saying, such a +condescension would have shown a superiority of sense even to your +husband himself.--But, dear sir, said she, why should I submit when I am +in the right?--For that very reason, answered he; it would be the +greatest instance of affection imaginable; for can anything be a greater +object of our compassion than a person we love in the wrong? Ay, but I +should endeavour, said she, to set him right. Pardon me, madam, answered +Paul: I will apply to your own experience if you ever found your +arguments had that effect. The more our judgments err, the less we are +willing to own it: for my own part, I have always observed the persons +who maintain the worst side in any contest are the warmest. Why, says +she, I must confess there is truth in what you say, and I will endeavour +to practise it. The husband then coming in, Paul departed. And Leonard, +approaching his wife with an air of good humour, told her he was sorry +for their foolish dispute the last night; but he was now convinced of +his error. She answered, smiling, she believed she owed his +condescension to his complacence; that she was ashamed to think a word +had passed on so silly an occasion, especially as she was satisfyed she +had been mistaken. A little contention followed, but with the utmost +good-will to each other, and was concluded by her asserting that Paul +had thoroughly convinced her she had been in the wrong. Upon which they +both united in the praises of their common friend. + +"Paul now passed his time with great satisfaction, these disputes being +much less frequent, as well as shorter than usual; but the devil, or +some unlucky accident in which perhaps the devil had no hand, shortly +put an end to his happiness. He was now eternally the private referee of +every difference; in which, after having perfectly, as he thought, +established the doctrine of submission, he never scrupled to assure both +privately that they were in the right in every argument, as before he +had followed the contrary method. One day a violent litigation happened +in his absence, and both parties agreed to refer it to his decision. The +husband professing himself sure the decision would be in his favour; the +wife answered, he might be mistaken; for she believed his friend was +convinced how seldom she was to blame; and that if he knew all--The +husband replied, My dear, I have no desire of any retrospect; but I +believe, if you knew all too, you would not imagine my friend so +entirely on your side. Nay, says she, since you provoke me, I will +mention one instance. You may remember our dispute about sending Jackey +to school in cold weather, which point I gave up to you from mere +compassion, knowing myself to be in the right; and Paul himself told me +afterwards he thought me so. My dear, replied the husband, I will not +scruple your veracity; but I assure you solemnly, on my applying to him, +he gave it absolutely on my side, and said he would have acted in the +same manner. They then proceeded to produce numberless other instances, +in all which Paul had, on vows of secresy, given his opinion on both +sides. In the conclusion, both believing each other, they fell severely +on the treachery of Paul, and agreed that he had been the occasion of +almost every dispute which had fallen out between them. They then became +extremely loving, and so full of condescension on both sides, that they +vyed with each other in censuring their own conduct, and jointly vented +their indignation on Paul, whom the wife, fearing a bloody consequence, +earnestly entreated her husband to suffer quietly to depart the next +day, which was the time fixed for his return to quarters, and then drop +his acquaintance. + +"However ungenerous this behaviour in Lennard may be esteemed, his wife +obtained a promise from him (though with difficulty) to follow her +advice; but they both expressed such unusual coldness that day to Paul, +that he, who was quick of apprehension, taking Lennard aside, pressed +him so home, that he at last discovered the secret. Paul acknowledged +the truth, but told him the design with which he had done it.--To which +the other answered, he would have acted more friendly to have let him +into the whole design; for that he might have assured himself of his +secresy. Paul replyed, with some indignation, he had given him a +sufficient proof how capable he was of concealing a secret from his +wife. Lennard returned with some warmth--he had more reason to upbraid +him, for that he had caused most of the quarrels between them by his +strange conduct, and might (if they had not discovered the affair to +each other) have been the occasion of their separation. Paul then +said"--But something now happened which put a stop to Dick's reading, +and of which we shall treat in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +_In which the history is continued._ + + +Joseph Andrews had borne with great uneasiness the impertinence of beau +Didapper to Fanny, who had been talking pretty freely to her, and +offering her settlements; but the respect to the company had restrained +him from interfering whilst the beau confined himself to the use of his +tongue only; but the said beau, watching an opportunity whilst the +ladies' eyes were disposed another way, offered a rudeness to her with +his hands; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he presented him with +so sound a box on the ear, that it conveyed him several paces from where +he stood. The ladies immediately screamed out, rose from their chairs; +and the beau, as soon as he recovered himself, drew his hanger: which +Adams observing, snatched up the lid of a pot in his left hand, and, +covering himself with it as with a shield, without any weapon of offence +in his other hand, stept in before Joseph, and exposed himself to the +enraged beau, who threatened such perdition and destruction, that it +frighted the women, who were all got in a huddle together, out of their +wits, even to hear his denunciations of vengeance. Joseph was of a +different complexion, and begged Adams to let his rival come on; for he +had a good cudgel in his hand, and did not fear him. Fanny now fainted +into Mrs Adams's arms, and the whole room was in confusion, when Mr +Booby, passing by Adams, who lay snug under the pot-lid, came up to +Didapper, and insisted on his sheathing the hanger, promising he should +have satisfaction; which Joseph declared he would give him, and fight +him at any weapon whatever. The beau now sheathed his hanger, and taking +out a pocket-glass, and vowing vengeance all the time, re-adjusted his +hair; the parson deposited his shield; and Joseph, running to Fanny, +soon brought her back to life. Lady Booby chid Joseph for his insult on +Didapper; but he answered, he would have attacked an army in the same +cause. "What cause?" said the lady. "Madam," answered Joseph, "he was +rude to that young woman."--"What," says the lady, "I suppose he would +have kissed the wench; and is a gentleman to be struck for such an +offer? I must tell you, Joseph, these airs do not become you."--"Madam," +said Mr Booby, "I saw the whole affair, and I do not commend my brother; +for I cannot perceive why he should take upon him to be this girl's +champion."--"I can commend him," says Adams: "he is a brave lad; and it +becomes any man to be the champion of the innocent; and he must be the +basest coward who would not vindicate a woman with whom he is on the +brink of marriage."--"Sir," says Mr Booby, "my brother is not a proper +match for such a young woman as this."--"No," says Lady Booby; "nor do +you, Mr Adams, act in your proper character by encouraging any such +doings; and I am very much surprized you should concern yourself in it. +I think your wife and family your properer care."--"Indeed, madam, your +ladyship says very true," answered Mrs Adams: "he talks a pack of +nonsense, that the whole parish are his children. I am sure I don't +understand what he means by it; it would make some women suspect he had +gone astray, but I acquit him of that; I can read Scripture as well as +he, and I never found that the parson was obliged to provide for other +folks' children; and besides, he is but a poor curate, and hath little +enough, as your ladyship knows, for me and mine."--"You say very well, +Mrs Adams," quoth the Lady Booby, who had not spoke a word to her before; +"you seem to be a very sensible woman; and I assure you, your husband is +acting a very foolish part, and opposing his own interest, seeing my +nephew is violently set against this match: and indeed I can't blame +him; it is by no means one suitable to our family." In this manner the +lady proceeded with Mrs Adams, whilst the beau hopped about the room, +shaking his head, partly from pain and partly from anger; and Pamela was +chiding Fanny for her assurance in aiming at such a match as her +brother. Poor Fanny answered only with her tears, which had long since +begun to wet her handkerchief; which Joseph perceiving, took her by the +arm, and wrapping it in his carried her off, swearing he would own no +relation to any one who was an enemy to her he loved more than all the +world. He went out with Fanny under his left arm, brandishing a cudgel +in his right, and neither Mr Booby nor the beau thought proper to oppose +him. Lady Booby and her company made a very short stay behind him; for +the lady's bell now summoned them to dress; for which they had just time +before dinner. + +Adams seemed now very much dejected, which his wife perceiving, began to +apply some matrimonial balsam. She told him he had reason to be +concerned, for that he had probably ruined his family with his tricks +almost; but perhaps he was grieved for the loss of his two children, +Joseph and Fanny. His eldest daughter went on: "Indeed, father, it is +very hard to bring strangers here to eat your children's bread out of +their mouths. You have kept them ever since they came home; and, for +anything I see to the contrary, may keep them a month longer; are you +obliged to give her meat, tho'f she was never so handsome? But I don't +see she is so much handsomer than other people. If people were to be +kept for their beauty, she would scarce fare better than her neighbours, +I believe. As for Mr Joseph, I have nothing to say; he is a young man of +honest principles, and will pay some time or other for what he hath; but +for the girl--why doth she not return to her place she ran away from? I +would not give such a vagabond slut a halfpenny though I had a million +of money; no, though she was starving." "Indeed but I would," cries +little Dick; "and, father, rather than poor Fanny shall be starved, I +will give her all this bread and cheese"--(offering what he held in his +hand). Adams smiled on the boy, and told him he rejoiced to see he was a +Christian; and that if he had a halfpenny in his pocket, he would have +given it him; telling him it was his duty to look upon all his +neighbours as his brothers and sisters, and love them accordingly. "Yes, +papa," says he, "I love her better than my sisters, for she is handsomer +than any of them." "Is she so, saucebox?" says the sister, giving him a +box on the ear; which the father would probably have resented, had not +Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar at that instant returned together. Adams +bid his wife prepare some food for their dinner; she said, "Truly she +could not, she had something else to do." Adams rebuked her for +disputing his commands, and quoted many texts of Scripture to prove +"That the husband is the head of the wife, and she is to submit and +obey." The wife answered, "It was blasphemy to talk Scripture out of +church; that such things were very proper to be said in the pulpit, but +that it was profane to talk them in common discourse." Joseph told Mr +Adams "He was not come with any design to give him or Mrs Adams any +trouble; but to desire the favour of all their company to the George (an +ale-house in the parish), where he had bespoke a piece of bacon and +greens for their dinner." Mrs Adams, who was a very good sort of woman, +only rather too strict in oeconomies, readily accepted this invitation, +as did the parson himself by her example; and away they all walked +together, not omitting little Dick, to whom Joseph gave a shilling when +he heard of his intended liberality to Fanny. + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +_Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give him no +great pleasure._ + + +The pedlar had been very inquisitive from the time he had first heard +that the great house in this parish belonged to the Lady Booby, and had +learnt that she was the widow of Sir Thomas, and that Sir Thomas had +bought Fanny, at about the age of three or four years, of a travelling +woman; and, now their homely but hearty meal was ended, he told Fanny +he believed he could acquaint her with her parents. The whole company, +especially she herself, started at this offer of the pedlar's. He then +proceeded thus, while they all lent their strictest attention:--"Though +I am now contented with this humble way of getting my livelihood, I was +formerly a gentleman; for so all those of my profession are called. In +a word, I was a drummer in an Irish regiment of foot. Whilst I was in +this honourable station I attended an officer of our regiment into +England a-recruiting. In our march from Bristol to Froome (for since +the decay of the woollen trade the clothing towns have furnished the +army with a great number of recruits) we overtook on the road a woman, +who seemed to be about thirty years old or thereabouts, not very +handsome, but well enough for a soldier. As we came up to her, she +mended her pace, and falling into discourse with our ladies (for every +man of the party, namely, a serjeant, two private men, and a drum, were +provided with their woman except myself), she continued to travel on +with us. I, perceiving she must fall to my lot, advanced presently to +her, made love to her in our military way, and quickly succeeded to my +wishes. We struck a bargain within a mile, and lived together as man +and wife to her dying day." "I suppose," says Adams, interrupting him, +"you were married with a licence; for I don't see how you could +contrive to have the banns published while you were marching from place +to place." "No, sir," said the pedlar, "we took a licence to go to bed +together without any banns." "Ay! ay!" said the parson; "_ex +necessitate_, a licence may be allowable enough; but surely, surely, +the other is the more regular and eligible way." The pedlar proceeded +thus: "She returned with me to our regiment, and removed with us from +quarters to quarters, till at last, whilst we lay at Galloway, she fell +ill of a fever and died. When she was on her death-bed she called me to +her, and, crying bitterly, declared she could not depart this world +without discovering a secret to me, which, she said, was the only sin +which sat heavy on her heart. She said she had formerly travelled in a +company of gypsies, who had made a practice of stealing away children; +that for her own part, she had been only once guilty of the crime; +which, she said, she lamented more than all the rest of her sins, since +probably it might have occasioned the death of the parents; for, added +she, it is almost impossible to describe the beauty of the young +creature, which was about a year and a half old when I kidnapped it. We +kept her (for she was a girl) above two years in our company, when I +sold her myself, for three guineas, to Sir Thomas Booby, in +Somersetshire. Now, you know whether there are any more of that name in +this county." "Yes," says Adams, "there are several Boobys who are +squires, but I believe no baronet now alive; besides, it answers so +exactly in every point, there is no room for doubt; but you have forgot +to tell us the parents from whom the child was stolen." "Their name," +answered the pedlar, "was Andrews. They lived about thirty miles from +the squire; and she told me that I might be sure to find them out by +one circumstance; for that they had a daughter of a very strange name, +Pamela, or Pam_e_la; some pronounced it one way, and some the other." +Fanny, who had changed colour at the first mention of the name, now +fainted away; Joseph turned pale, and poor Dicky began to roar; the +parson fell on his knees, and ejaculated many thanksgivings that this +discovery had been made before the dreadful sin of incest was +committed; and the pedlar was struck with amazement, not being able to +account for all this confusion; the cause of which was presently opened +by the parson's daughter, who was the only unconcerned person (for the +mother was chafing Fanny's temples, and taking the utmost care of her): +and, indeed, Fanny was the only creature whom the daughter would not +have pitied in her situation; wherein, though we compassionate her +ourselves, we shall leave her for a little while, and pay a short visit +to Lady Booby. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +_The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the +terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride; with what +happened on the present discovery._ + + +The lady sat down with her company to dinner, but eat nothing. As soon +as her cloth was removed she whispered Pamela that she was taken a +little ill, and desired her to entertain her husband and beau Didapper. +She then went up into her chamber, sent for Slipslop, threw herself on +the bed in the agonies of love, rage, and despair; nor could she conceal +these boiling passions longer without bursting. Slipslop now approached +her bed, and asked how her ladyship did; but, instead of revealing her +disorder, as she intended, she entered into a long encomium on the +beauty and virtues of Joseph Andrews; ending, at last, with expressing +her concern that so much tenderness should be thrown away on so +despicable an object as Fanny. Slipslop, well knowing how to humour her +mistress's frenzy, proceeded to repeat, with exaggeration, if possible, +all her mistress had said, and concluded with a wish that Joseph had +been a gentleman, and that she could see her lady in the arms of such a +husband. The lady then started from the bed, and, taking a turn or two +across the room, cryed out, with a deep sigh, "Sure he would make any +woman happy!"--"Your ladyship," says she, "would be the happiest woman +in the world with him. A fig for custom and nonsense! What 'vails what +people say? Shall I be afraid of eating sweetmeats because people may +say I have a sweet tooth? If I had a mind to marry a man, all the world +should not hinder me. Your ladyship hath no parents to tutelar your +infections; besides, he is of your ladyship's family now, and as good a +gentleman as any in the country; and why should not a woman follow her +mind as well as man? Why should not your ladyship marry the brother as +well as your nephew the sister. I am sure, if it was a fragrant crime, I +would not persuade your ladyship to it."--"But, dear Slipslop," answered +the lady, "if I could prevail on myself to commit such a weakness, there +is that cursed Fanny in the way, whom the idiot--O how I hate and +despise him!"--"She! a little ugly mynx," cries Slipslop; "leave her to +me. I suppose your ladyship hath heard of Joseph's fitting with one of +Mr Didapper's servants about her; and his master hath ordered them to +carry her away by force this evening. I'll take care they shall not want +assistance. I was talking with this gentleman, who was below, just when +your ladyship sent for me."--"Go back," says the Lady Booby, "this +instant, for I expect Mr Didapper will soon be going. Do all you can; +for I am resolved this wench shall not be in our family: I will +endeavour to return to the company; but let me know as soon as she is +carried off." Slipslop went away; and her mistress began to arraign her +own conduct in the following manner:-- + +"What am I doing? How do I suffer this passion to creep imperceptibly +upon me? How many days are past since I could have submitted to ask +myself the question?--Marry a footman! Distraction! Can I afterwards +bear the eyes of my acquaintance? But I can retire from them; retire +with one in whom I propose more happiness than the world without him +can give me! Retire-to feed continually on beauties which my inflamed +imagination sickens with eagerly gazing on; to satisfy every appetite, +every desire, with their utmost wish. Ha! and do I doat thus on a +footman? I despise, I detest my passion.--Yet why? Is he not generous, +gentle, kind?--Kind! to whom? to the meanest wretch, a creature below my +consideration. Doth he not--yes, he doth prefer her. Curse his beauties, +and the little low heart that possesses them; which can basely descend +to this despicable wench, and be ungratefully deaf to all the honours I +do him. And can I then love this monster? No, I will tear his image from +my bosom, tread on him, spurn him. I will have those pitiful charms, +which now I despise, mangled in my sight; for I will not suffer the +little jade I hate to riot in the beauties I contemn. No; though I +despise him myself, though I would spurn him from my feet, was he to +languish at them, no other should taste the happiness I scorn. Why do I +say happiness? To me it would be misery. To sacrifice my reputation, my +character, my rank in life, to the indulgence of a mean and a vile +appetite! How I detest the thought! How much more exquisite is the +pleasure resulting from the reflection of virtue and prudence than the +faint relish of what flows from vice and folly! Whither did I suffer +this improper, this mad passion to hurry me, only by neglecting to +summon the aids of reason to my assistance? Reason, which hath now set +before me my desires in their proper colours, and immediately helped me +to expel them. Yes, I thank Heaven and my pride, I have now perfectly +conquered this unworthy passion; and if there was no obstacle in its +way, my pride would disdain any pleasures which could be the consequence +of so base, so mean, so vulgar--" Slipslop returned at this instant in a +violent hurry, and with the utmost eagerness cryed out, "O madam! I have +strange news. Tom the footman is just come from the George; where, it +seems, Joseph and the rest of them are a jinketting; and he says there +is a strange man who hath discovered that Fanny and Joseph are brother +and sister."--"How, Slipslop?" cries the lady, in a surprize.--"I had +not time, madam," cries Slipslop, "to enquire about particles, but Tom +says it is most certainly true." + +This unexpected account entirely obliterated all those admirable +reflections which the supreme power of reason had so wisely made just +before. In short, when despair, which had more share in producing the +resolutions of hatred we have seen taken, began to retreat, the lady +hesitated a moment, and then, forgetting all the purport of her +soliloquy, dismissed her woman again, with orders to bid Tom attend her +in the parlour, whither she now hastened to acquaint Pamela with the +news. Pamela said she could not believe it; for she had never heard that +her mother had lost any child, or that she had ever had any more than +Joseph and herself. The lady flew into a violent rage with her, and +talked of upstarts and disowning relations who had so lately been on a +level with her. Pamela made no answer; but her husband, taking up her +cause, severely reprimanded his aunt for her behaviour to his wife: he +told her, if it had been earlier in the evening she should not have +staid a moment longer in her house; that he was convinced, if this young +woman could be proved her sister, she would readily embrace her as such, +and he himself would do the same. He then desired the fellow might be +sent for, and the young woman with him, which Lady Booby immediately +ordered; and, thinking proper to make some apology to Pamela for what +she had said, it was readily accepted, and all things reconciled. + +The pedlar now attended, as did Fanny and Joseph, who would not quit +her; the parson likewise was induced, not only by curiosity, of which he +had no small portion, but his duty, as he apprehended it, to follow +them; for he continued all the way to exhort them, who were now breaking +their hearts, to offer up thanksgivings, and be joyful for so miraculous +an escape. + +When they arrived at Booby-Hall they were presently called into the +parlour, where the pedlar repeated the same story he had told before, +and insisted on the truth of every circumstance; so that all who heard +him were extremely well satisfied of the truth, except Pamela, who +imagined, as she had never heard either of her parents mention such an +accident, that it must be certainly false; and except the Lady Booby, +who suspected the falsehood of the story from her ardent desire that it +should be true; and Joseph, who feared its truth, from his earnest +wishes that it might prove false. + +Mr Booby now desired them all to suspend their curiosity and absolute +belief or disbelief till the next morning, when he expected old Mr +Andrews and his wife to fetch himself and Pamela home in his coach, and +then they might be certain of certainly knowing the truth or falsehood +of this relation; in which, he said, as there were many strong +circumstances to induce their credit, so he could not perceive any +interest the pedlar could have in inventing it, or in endeavouring to +impose such a falsehood on them. + +The Lady Booby, who was very little used to such company, entertained +them all--_viz_. her nephew, his wife, her brother and sister, the beau, +and the parson, with great good humour at her own table. As to the +pedlar, she ordered him to be made as welcome as possible by her +servants. All the company in the parlour, except the disappointed +lovers, who sat sullen and silent, were full of mirth; for Mr Booby had +prevailed on Joseph to ask Mr Didapper's pardon, with which he was +perfectly satisfied. Many jokes passed between the beau and the parson, +chiefly on each other's dress; these afforded much diversion to the +company. Pamela chid her brother Joseph for the concern which he exprest +at discovering a new sister. She said, if he loved Fanny as he ought, +with a pure affection, he had no reason to lament being related to +her.--Upon which Adams began to discourse on Platonic love; whence he +made a quick transition to the joys in the next world, and concluded +with strongly asserting that there was no such thing as pleasure in +this. At which Pamela and her husband smiled on one another. + +This happy pair proposing to retire (for no other person gave the least +symptom of desiring rest), they all repaired to several beds provided +for them in the same house; nor was Adams himself suffered to go home, +it being a stormy night. Fanny indeed often begged she might go home +with the parson; but her stay was so strongly insisted on, that she at +last, by Joseph's advice, consented. + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +_Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell +into many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly +to his inadvertency._ + + +About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three in +the morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not +to close his eyes, but had employed his imagination in contrivances how +to satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped to +effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay, +and had received his information; he therefore arose, put on his +breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to +her apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he opened +it with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now +invaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet a +young creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on a +cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for there +was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered in +Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I am +come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we +last night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will I +be delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient +assurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would be +want of love to deny me the possession of thy charms."--So saying, he +disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leaping +into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture. +If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to +find his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this +sweet confusion; for both he and his paramour presently discovered their +error. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he had +engaged; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she had +mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative of +Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, that +light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture. +Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to +escape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it; but +the watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, being +disappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promised +her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue. +Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late +conduct had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had a +wonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunate +beau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion of +her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered to +leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same time +roaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I +believe, ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I will +prosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get +loose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out +"Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which words, parson Adams, who +lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar's +discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of +clothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He +made directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's +skin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and finding his skin +extremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to let +him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger of +ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on +Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed; +he therefore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then, +turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, his +wrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly, +that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed by +her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the +ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed +and scratched as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her in +his endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her. +She then cried she was a woman; but Adams answered, she was rather the +devil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, being again +irritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance +in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the +house. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had +fallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, and +then both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakeful +as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning; and, being a +woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, and +slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her +hand, she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered just +at the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which +Slipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. He +then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gave +suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room, +cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams, +perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him) +just as she came to the feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when she +found the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. She +then began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, and +particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the scene +of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality. +Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and, +now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady +Booby herself, and immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence the +chaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forth +his head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel nightcap, he +protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons of Mrs Slipslop +for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch. +Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something +sparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to +be a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther +she saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!" +says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, madam," says Slipslop, "I +don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may have +been a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt and +jewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the young +gentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence +proceeded all the subsequent mistakes; for if I had suspected him for a +man, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though, +indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account of +the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into +the room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose +heads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could +not refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the +parson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him to +return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then ordering +Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself +thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to +Mrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but +began to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint +to begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his way +towards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning to the right, he +turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (as +the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, and +who was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that, +notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so +profound a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not been +able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothes +down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in, +and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman +had always assigned him. + +As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand lovers +languish, lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorant +of the scene of delight on which they repose, meditates the future +capture of a mouse, or surprisal of a plate of bread and butter: so +Adams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the paradise to which he was +so near; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from her breath +overpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils. +And now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who had +secretly appointed Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rapped +softly at the chamber-door, which when he had repeated twice, Adams +cryed, "Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought he had mistaken the +door, though she had given him the most exact directions; however, +knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestments +lying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching out +her hand on Adams's beard, she cried out,--"O heavens! where am I?" +"Bless me! where am I?" said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adams +leapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as the tragedians call it, like the +statue of Surprize. "How came she into my room?" cryed Adams. "How came +you into hers?" cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. "I know nothing of the +matter," answered Adams, "but that she is a vestal for me. As I am a +Christian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidel +who doth not believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in the +days of Saul. My clothes are bewitched away too, and Fanny's brought +into their place." For he still insisted he was in his own apartment; +but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting to persuade +Joseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. "How!" +said Joseph in a rage, "hath he offered any rudeness to you?" She +answered--She could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealing +to bed to her, which she thought rudeness sufficient, and what no man +would do without a wicked intention. + +Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and when +he heard from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler; +yet still he was confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that the +women's apartments were on this side Mrs Slipslop's room, and the men's +on the other, he was convinced that he was in Fanny's chamber. Assuring +Adams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some account how he +came there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offend +Fanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that had +happened; and when he had ended Joseph told him,--It was plain he had +mistaken by turning to the right instead of the left. "Odso!" cries +Adams, "that's true: as sure as sixpence, you have hit on the very +thing." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and begged +Fanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man or +woman. That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him she +was no longer angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his own +apartment, where he should stay himself till she had put her clothes on. +Joseph and Adams accordingly departed, and the latter soon was convinced +of the mistake he had committed; however, whilst he was dressing +himself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraft +notwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it. + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +_The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews, with another person not +much expected; and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by +the pedlar._ + + +As soon as Fanny was drest Joseph returned to her, and they had a long +conversation together, the conclusion of which was, that, if they found +themselves to be really brother and sister, they vowed a perpetual +celibacy, and to live together all their days, and indulge a Platonic +friendship for each other. + +The company were all very merry at breakfast, and Joseph and Fanny +rather more chearful than the preceding night. The Lady Booby produced +the diamond button, which the beau most readily owned, and alledged that +he was very subject to walk in his sleep. Indeed, he was far from being +ashamed of his amour, and rather endeavoured to insinuate that more than +was really true had passed between him and the fair Slipslop. + +Their tea was scarce over when news came of the arrival of old Mr +Andrews and his wife. They were immediately introduced, and kindly +received by the Lady Booby, whose heart went now pit-a-pat, as did those +of Joseph and Fanny. They felt, perhaps, little less anxiety in this +interval than Oedipus himself, whilst his fate was revealing. + +Mr Booby first opened the cause by informing the old gentleman that he +had a child in the company more than he knew of, and, taking Fanny by +the hand, told him, this was that daughter of his who had been stolen +away by gypsies in her infancy. Mr Andrews, after expressing some +astonishment, assured his honour that he had never lost a daughter by +gypsies, nor ever had any other children than Joseph and Pamela. These +words were a cordial to the two lovers; but had a different effect on +Lady Booby. She ordered the pedlar to be called, who recounted his story +as he had done before.--At the end of which, old Mrs Andrews, running to +Fanny, embraced her, crying out, "She is, she is my child!" The company +were all amazed at this disagreement between the man and his wife; and +the blood had now forsaken the cheeks of the lovers, when the old woman, +turning to her husband, who was more surprized than all the rest, and +having a little recovered her own spirits, delivered herself as follows: +"You may remember, my dear, when you went a serjeant to Gibraltar, you +left me big with child; you stayed abroad, you know, upwards of three +years. In your absence I was brought to bed, I verily believe, of this +daughter, whom I am sure I have reason to remember, for I suckled her at +this very breast till the day she was stolen from me. One afternoon, +when the child was about a year, or a year and a half old, or +thereabouts, two gypsy-women came to the door and offered to tell my +fortune. One of them had a child in her lap. I showed them my hand, and +desired to know if you was ever to come home again, which I remember as +well as if it was but yesterday: they faithfully promised me you +should.--I left the girl in the cradle and went to draw them a cup of +liquor, the best I had: when I returned with the pot (I am sure I was +not absent longer than whilst I am telling it to you) the women were +gone. I was afraid they had stolen something, and looked and looked, but +to no purpose, and, Heaven knows, I had very little for them to steal. +At last, hearing the child cry in the cradle, I went to take it up--but, +O the living! how was I surprized to find, instead of my own girl that I +had put into the cradle, who was as fine a fat thriving child as you +shall see in a summer's day, a poor sickly boy, that did not seem to +have an hour to live. I ran out, pulling my hair off and crying like any +mad after the women, but never could hear a word of them from that day +to this. When I came back the poor infant (which is our Joseph there, as +stout as he now stands) lifted up its eyes upon me so piteously, that, +to be sure, notwithstanding my passion, I could not find in my heart to +do it any mischief. A neighbour of mine, happening to come in at the +same time, and hearing the case, advised me to take care of this poor +child, and God would perhaps one day restore me my own. Upon which I +took the child up, and suckled it to be sure, all the world as if it had +been born of my own natural body; and as true as I am alive, in a little +time I loved the boy all to nothing as if it had been my own +girl.--Well, as I was saying, times growing very hard, I having two +children and nothing but my own work, which was little enough, God +knows, to maintain them, was obliged to ask relief of the parish; but, +instead of giving it me, they removed me, by justices' warrants, fifteen +miles, to the place where I now live, where I had not been long settled +before you came home. Joseph (for that was the name I gave him +myself--the Lord knows whether he was baptized or no, or by what name), +Joseph, I say, seemed to me about five years old when you returned; for +I believe he is two or three years older than our daughter here (for I +am thoroughly convinced she is the same); and when you saw him you said +he was a chopping boy, without ever minding his age; and so I, seeing +you did not suspect anything of the matter, thought I might e'en as well +keep it to myself, for fear you should not love him as well as I did. +And all this is veritably true, and I will take my oath of it before any +justice in the kingdom." + +The pedlar, who had been summoned by the order of Lady Booby, listened +with the utmost attention to Gammar Andrews's story; and, when she had +finished, asked her if the supposititious child had no mark on its +breast? To which she answered, "Yes, he had as fine a strawberry as ever +grew in a garden." This Joseph acknowledged, and, unbuttoning his coat, +at the intercession of the company, showed to them. "Well," says Gaffar +Andrews, who was a comical sly old fellow, and very likely desired to +have no more children than he could keep, "you have proved, I think, +very plainly, that this boy doth not belong to us; but how are you +certain that the girl is ours?" The parson then brought the pedlar +forward, and desired him to repeat the story which he had communicated +to him the preceding day at the ale-house; which he complied with, and +related what the reader, as well as Mr Adams, hath seen before. He then +confirmed, from his wife's report, all the circumstances of the +exchange, and of the strawberry on Joseph's breast. At the repetition of +the word strawberry, Adams, who had seen it without any emotion, started +and cried, "Bless me! something comes into my head." But before he had +time to bring anything out a servant called him forth. When he was gone +the pedlar assured Joseph that his parents were persons of much greater +circumstances than those he had hitherto mistaken for such; for that he +had been stolen from a gentleman's house by those whom they call +gypsies, and had been kept by them during a whole year, when, looking on +him as in a dying condition, they had exchanged him for the other +healthier child, in the manner before related. He said, As to the name +of his father, his wife had either never known or forgot it; but that +she had acquainted him he lived about forty miles from the place where +the exchange had been made, and which way, promising to spare no pains +in endeavouring with him to discover the place. + +But Fortune, which seldom doth good or ill, or makes men happy or +miserable, by halves, resolved to spare him this labour. The reader may +please to recollect that Mr Wilson had intended a journey to the west, +in which he was to pass through Mr Adams's parish, and had promised to +call on him. He was now arrived at the Lady Booby's gates for that +purpose, being directed thither from the parson's house, and had sent in +the servant whom we have above seen call Mr Adams forth. This had no +sooner mentioned the discovery of a stolen child, and had uttered the +word strawberry, than Mr Wilson, with wildness in his looks, and the +utmost eagerness in his words, begged to be shewed into the room, where +he entered without the least regard to any of the company but Joseph, +and, embracing him with a complexion all pale and trembling, desired to +see the mark on his breast; the parson followed him capering, rubbing +his hands, and crying out, _Hic est quem quaeris; inventus est, &c_. +Joseph complied with the request of Mr Wilson, who no sooner saw the +mark than, abandoning himself to the most extravagant rapture of +passion, he embraced Joseph with inexpressible ecstasy, and cried out in +tears of joy, "I have discovered my son, I have him again in my arms!" +Joseph was not sufficiently apprized yet to taste the same delight with +his father (for so in reality he was); however, he returned some warmth +to his embraces: but he no sooner perceived, from his father's account, +the agreement of every circumstance, of person, time, and place, than he +threw himself at his feet, and, embracing his knees, with tears begged +his blessing, which was given with much affection, and received with +such respect, mixed with such tenderness on both sides, that it affected +all present; but none so much as Lady Booby, who left the room in an +agony, which was but too much perceived, and not very charitably +accounted for by some of the company. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +_Being the last in which this true history is brought to a happy +conclusion._ + + +Fanny was very little behind her Joseph in the duty she exprest towards +her parents, and the joy she evidenced in discovering them. Gammar +Andrews kissed her, and said, She was heartily glad to see her; but for +her part, she could never love any one better than Joseph. Gaffar +Andrews testified no remarkable emotion: he blessed and kissed her, but +complained bitterly that he wanted his pipe, not having had a whiff +that morning. + +Mr Booby, who knew nothing of his aunt's fondness, imputed her abrupt +departure to her pride, and disdain of the family into which he was +married; he was therefore desirous to be gone with the utmost celerity; +and now, having congratulated Mr Wilson and Joseph on the discovery, he +saluted Fanny, called her sister, and introduced her as such to Pamela, +who behaved with great decency on the occasion. + +He now sent a message to his aunt, who returned that she wished him a +good journey, but was too disordered to see any company: he therefore +prepared to set out, having invited Mr Wilson to his house; and Pamela +and Joseph both so insisted on his complying, that he at last +consented, having first obtained a messenger from Mr Booby to acquaint +his wife with the news; which, as he knew it would render her +completely happy, he could not prevail on himself to delay a moment in +acquainting her with. + +The company were ranged in this manner: the two old people, with their +two daughters, rode in the coach; the squire, Mr Wilson, Joseph, parson +Adams, and the pedlar, proceeded on horseback. + +In their way, Joseph informed his father of his intended match with +Fanny; to which, though he expressed some reluctance at first, on the +eagerness of his son's instances he consented; saying, if she was so +good a creature as she appeared, and he described her, he thought the +disadvantages of birth and fortune might be compensated. He however +insisted on the match being deferred till he had seen his mother; in +which, Joseph perceiving him positive, with great duty obeyed him, to +the great delight of parson Adams, who by these means saw an +opportunity of fulfilling the Church forms, and marrying his +parishioners without a licence. + +Mr Adams, greatly exulting on this occasion (for such ceremonies were +matters of no small moment with him), accidentally gave spurs to his +horse, which the generous beast disdaining--for he was of high mettle, +and had been used to more expert riders than the gentleman who at +present bestrode him, for whose horsemanship he had perhaps some +contempt--immediately ran away full speed, and played so many antic +tricks that he tumbled the parson from his back; which Joseph +perceiving, came to his relief. + +This accident afforded infinite merriment to the servants, and no less +frighted poor Fanny, who beheld him as he passed by the coach; but the +mirth of the one and terror of the other were soon determined, when the +parson declared he had received no damage. + +The horse having freed himself from his unworthy rider, as he probably +thought him, proceeded to make the best of his way; but was stopped by a +gentleman and his servants, who were travelling the opposite way, and +were now at a little distance from the coach. They soon met; and as one +of the servants delivered Adams his horse, his master hailed him, and +Adams, looking up, presently recollected he was the justice of peace +before whom he and Fanny had made their appearance. The parson presently +saluted him very kindly; and the justice informed him that he had found +the fellow who attempted to swear against him and the young woman the +very next day, and had committed him to Salisbury gaol, where he was +charged with many robberies. + +Many compliments having passed between the parson and the justice, the +latter proceeded on his journey; and the former, having with some +disdain refused Joseph's offer of changing horses, and declared he was +as able a horseman as any in the kingdom, remounted his beast; and now +the company again proceeded, and happily arrived at their journey's +end, Mr Adams, by good luck, rather than by good riding, escaping a +second fall. + +The company, arriving at Mr Booby's house, were all received by him in +the most courteous and entertained in the most splendid manner, after +the custom of the old English hospitality, which is still preserved in +some very few families in the remote parts of England. They all passed +that day with the utmost satisfaction; it being perhaps impossible to +find any set of people more solidly and sincerely happy. Joseph and +Fanny found means to be alone upwards of two hours, which were the +shortest but the sweetest imaginable. + +In the morning Mr Wilson proposed to his son to make a visit with him to +his mother; which, notwithstanding his dutiful inclinations, and a +longing desire he had to see her, a little concerned him, as he must be +obliged to leave his Fanny; but the goodness of Mr Booby relieved him; +for he proposed to send his own coach and six for Mrs Wilson, whom +Pamela so very earnestly invited, that Mr Wilson at length agreed with +the entreaties of Mr Booby and Joseph, and suffered the coach to go +empty for his wife. + +On Saturday night the coach returned with Mrs Wilson, who added one more +to this happy assembly. The reader may imagine much better and quicker +too than I can describe the many embraces and tears of joy which +succeeded her arrival. It is sufficient to say she was easily prevailed +with to follow her husband's example in consenting to the match. + +On Sunday Mr Adams performed the service at the squire's parish church, +the curate of which very kindly exchanged duty, and rode twenty miles to +the Lady Booby's parish so to do; being particularly charged not to omit +publishing the banns, being the third and last time. + +At length the happy day arrived which was to put Joseph in the +possession of all his wishes. He arose, and drest himself in a neat but +plain suit of Mr Booby's, which exactly fitted him; for he refused all +finery; as did Fanny likewise, who could be prevailed on by Pamela to +attire herself in nothing richer than a white dimity nightgown. Her +shift indeed, which Pamela presented her, was of the finest kind, and +had an edging of lace round the bosom. She likewise equipped her with a +pair of fine white thread stockings, which were all she would accept; +for she wore one of her own short round-eared caps, and over it a +little straw hat, lined with cherry-coloured silk, and tied with a +cherry-coloured ribbon. In this dress she came forth from her chamber, +blushing and breathing sweets; and was by Joseph, whose eyes sparkled +fire, led to church, the whole family attending, where Mr Adams +performed the ceremony; at which nothing was so remarkable as the +extraordinary and unaffected modesty of Fanny, unless the true +Christian piety of Adams, who publickly rebuked Mr Booby and Pamela for +laughing in so sacred a place, and on so solemn an occasion. Our parson +would have done no less to the highest prince on earth; for, though he +paid all submission and deference to his superiors in other matters, +where the least spice of religion intervened he immediately lost all +respect of persons. It was his maxim, that he was a servant of the +Highest, and could not, without departing from his duty, give up the +least article of his honour or of his cause to the greatest earthly +potentate. Indeed, he always asserted that Mr Adams at church with his +surplice on, and Mr Adams without that ornament in any other place, +were two very different persons. + +When the church rites were over Joseph led his blooming bride back to Mr +Booby's (for the distance was so very little they did not think proper +to use a coach); the whole company attended them likewise on foot; and +now a most magnificent entertainment was provided, at which parson Adams +demonstrated an appetite surprizing as well as surpassing every one +present. Indeed the only persons who betrayed any deficiency on this +occasion were those on whose account the feast was provided. They +pampered their imaginations with the much more exquisite repast which +the approach of night promised them; the thoughts of which filled both +their minds, though with different sensations; the one all desire, while +the other had her wishes tempered with fears. + +At length, after a day passed with the utmost merriment, corrected by +the strictest decency, in which, however, parson Adams, being well +filled with ale and pudding, had given a loose to more facetiousness +than was usual to him, the happy, the blest moment arrived when Fanny +retired with her mother, her mother-in-law, and her sister. + +She was soon undrest; for she had no jewels to deposit in their caskets, +nor fine laces to fold with the nicest exactness. Undressing to her was +properly discovering, not putting off, ornaments; for, as all her charms +were the gifts of nature, she could divest herself of none. How, reader, +shall I give thee an adequate idea of this lovely young creature? the +bloom of roses and lilies might a little illustrate her complexion, or +their smell her sweetness; but to comprehend her entirely, conceive +youth, health, bloom, neatness, and innocence, in her bridal bed; +conceive all these in their utmost perfection, and you may place the +charming Fanny's picture before your eyes. + +Joseph no sooner heard she was in bed than he fled with the utmost +eagerness to her. A minute carried him into her arms, where we shall +leave this happy couple to enjoy the private rewards of their constancy; +rewards so great and sweet, that I apprehend Joseph neither envied the +noblest duke, nor Fanny the finest duchess, that night. + +The third day Mr Wilson and his wife, with their son and daughter, +returned home; where they now live together in a state of bliss scarce +ever equalled. Mr Booby hath, with unprecedented generosity, given Fanny +a fortune of two thousand pounds, which Joseph hath laid out in a little +estate in the same parish with his father, which he now occupies (his +father having stocked it for him); and Fanny presides with most +excellent management in his dairy; where, however, she is not at present +very able to bustle much, being, as Mr Wilson informs me in his last +letter, extremely big with her first child. + +Mr Booby hath presented Mr Adams with a living of one hundred and +thirty pounds a year. He at first refused it, resolving not to quit +his parishioners, with whom he had lived so long; but, on +recollecting he might keep a curate at this living, he hath been +lately inducted into it. + +The pedlar, besides several handsome presents, both from Mr Wilson and +Mr Booby, is, by the latter's interest, made an exciseman; a trust which +he discharges with such justice, that he is greatly beloved in his +neighbourhood. + +As for the Lady Booby, she returned to London in a few days, where a +young captain of dragoons, together with eternal parties at cards, soon +obliterated the memory of Joseph. + +Joseph remains blest with his Fanny, whom he doats on with the utmost +tenderness, which is all returned on her side. The happiness of this +couple is a perpetual fountain of pleasure to their fond parents; and, +what is particularly remarkable, he declares he will imitate them in +their retirement, nor will be prevailed on by any booksellers, or their +authors, to make his appearance in high life. + + + +THE END. + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 9609.txt or 9609.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/6/0/9609/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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