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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2
+
+Author: Henry Fielding
+
+Posting Date: November 17, 2011 [EBook #9609]
+Release Date: January, 2006
+First Posted: October 9, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS, VOL. 2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING
+
+EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY
+
+IN TWELVE VOLUMES
+
+VOL. II.
+
+
+
+JOSEPH ANDREWS
+
+VOL. II.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  BOOK II.--continued.
+
+  CHAPTER XIV.
+  _An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._
+
+  CHAPTER XV.
+  _An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson Adams
+  gave of his forgetfulness._
+
+  CHAPTER XVI.
+  _A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater
+  instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience
+  in the ways of this world._
+
+  CHAPTER XVII.
+  _A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by the
+  disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky
+  catastrophe, had it not been timely prevented by the return of
+  the lovers._
+
+
+  BOOK III.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _Matter prefatory in praise of biography._
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel Adams and
+  his fellow-travellers._
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _In which the gentleman relates the history of his life._
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical adventure
+  of the dog, and other grave matters._
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham Adams
+  and Joseph; and a discovery not unwelcome to them both._
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting adventure, and
+  parson Adams's miraculous escape._
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste and
+  times._
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _Which some readers will think too short and others too long._
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+  _Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found in
+  this or perhaps any other authentic history._
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use in this
+  history but to divert the reader._
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in
+  affliction; calculated for the instruction and improvement of the
+  reader._
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize
+  the reader._
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+
+  _A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and Mr
+  Peter Pounce, better worth reading than all the works of Colley
+  Cibber and many others._
+
+
+  BOOK IV.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall._
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby._
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout._
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the arrival
+  of Mr Booby and his lady._
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _Containing justice business; curious precedents of depositions, and
+  other matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace
+  and their clerks._
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _Of which you are desired to read no more than you like._
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any light
+  French romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's
+  encounter with a beau._
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and
+  Fanny, with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some
+  few readers very low, absurd, and unnatural._
+
+  CHAPTER IX
+  _A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to
+  the parson._
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson to
+  all those persons who happen to take up their residence in married
+  families._
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _In which the history is continued._
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give
+  him no great pleasure._
+
+  CHAPTER XIII
+  _The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the
+  terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride, with what
+  happened on the present discovery._
+
+  CHAPTER XIV.
+  _Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell
+  into many hair-breadth scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and
+  partly to his inadvertency._
+
+  CHAPTER XV.
+  _The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews with another person not
+  much expected, and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by
+  the pedlar._
+
+  CHAPTER XVI.
+  _Being the last. In which this true history is brought to a happy
+  conclusion._
+
+
+  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+  MR WILSON RELATES HIS HISTORY
+  PARSON ADAMS
+  HE RAN TOWARDS HER
+
+
+
+
+BOOK II.--continued.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+_An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._
+
+
+Parson Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he found
+stript into his waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand,
+just come from serving his hogs; for Mr Trulliber was a parson on
+Sundays, but all the other six might more properly be called a farmer.
+He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he rented a
+considerable deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy,
+and followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly to
+his care, which he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs;
+on which occasion he was liable to many jokes, his own size being, with
+much ale, rendered little inferior to that of the beasts he sold. He
+was indeed one of the largest men you should see, and could have acted
+the part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that the
+rotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness of
+his stature, his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when he
+lay on his back, as when he stood on his legs. His voice was loud and
+hoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To complete the whole, he had
+a stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that of a goose,
+only he stalked slower.
+
+Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him,
+immediately slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an old
+night-gown, being the dress in which he always saw his company at home.
+His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's arrival, had made a small
+mistake; for she had told her husband, "She believed there was a man
+come for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hasten
+with the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adams
+than, not in the least doubting the cause of his errand to be what his
+wife had imagined, he told him, "He was come in very good time; that he
+expected a dealer that very afternoon;" and added, "they were all pure
+and fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams answered, "He
+believed he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have seen
+you often at fair; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you.
+Yes, yes," cries he, "I remember thy face very well, but won't mention a
+word more till you have seen them, though I have never sold thee a
+flitch of such bacon as is now in the stye." Upon which he laid violent
+hands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, which was indeed but
+two steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived there
+than he cry'd out, "Do but handle them! step in, friend! art welcome to
+handle them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate,
+he pushed Adams into the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handle
+them before he would talk one word with him.
+
+Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obliged
+to comply before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold on
+one of their tails, the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that he
+threw poor Adams all along in the mire. Trulliber, instead of assisting
+him to get up, burst into a laughter, and, entering the stye, said to
+Adams, with some contempt, "Why, dost not know how to handle a hog?" and
+was going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he had
+carried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than he
+escaped out of the reach of the animals, and cried out, "_Nihil habeo
+cum porcis_: I am a clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs."
+Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for the mistake, but that he must
+blame his wife," adding, "she was a fool, and always committed
+blunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that he
+would only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dry
+his greatcoat, wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. Mrs
+Trulliber would have brought him a basin of water to wash his face, but
+her husband bid her be quiet like a fool as she was, or she would commit
+more blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. While Adams was thus
+employed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the appearance of
+his guest, fastened the parlour door, and now conducted him into the
+kitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm,
+and whispered his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a short
+silence Adams said, "I fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be a
+clergyman."--"Ay, ay," cries Trulliber, grinning, "I perceive you have
+some cassock; I will not venture to caale it a whole one." Adams
+answered, "It was indeed none of the best, but he had the misfortune to
+tear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber,
+returning with the drink, told her husband, "She fancied the gentleman
+was a traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bid
+her hold her impertinent tongue, and asked her, "If parsons used to
+travel without horses?" adding, "he supposed the gentleman had none by
+his having no boots on."--"Yes, sir, yes," says Adams; "I have a horse,
+but I have left him behind me."--"I am glad to hear you have one," says
+Trulliber; "for I assure you I don't love to see clergymen on foot; it
+is not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here Trulliber made
+a long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not much
+worth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess of
+porridge on it for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, "I don't know,
+friend, how you came to caale on me; however, as you are here, if you
+think proper to eat a morsel, you may." Adams accepted the invitation,
+and the two parsons sat down together; Mrs Trulliber waiting behind her
+husband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat heartily,
+but scarce put anything in his mouth without finding fault with his
+wife's cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she was
+so absolute an admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, of
+which she had frequent hints from his own mouth, that she almost carried
+her adoration to an opinion of his infallibility. To say the truth, the
+parson had exercised her more ways than one; and the pious woman had so
+well edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved to receive
+the bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed been
+at first a little contentious; but he had long since got the better;
+partly by her love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by her
+religion, partly by the respect he paid himself, and partly by that
+which he received from the parish. She had, in short, absolutely
+submitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did Abraham, calling
+him (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband gave
+her a fresh example of his greatness; for, as she had just delivered a
+cup of ale to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, "I
+caal'd vurst," swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it; it was referred
+to the wife, who, though her conscience was on the side of Adams, durst
+not give it against her husband; upon which he said, "No, sir, no; I
+should not have been so rude to have taken it from you if you had caal'd
+vurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the best he
+in the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst."
+
+As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the following
+manner: "I think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business of
+my embassy. I am a traveller, and am passing this way in company with
+two young people, a lad and a damsel, my parishioners, towards my own
+cure; we stopt at a house of hospitality in the parish, where they
+directed me to you as having the cure."--"Though I am but a curate,"
+says Trulliber, "I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhaps
+the rector of the next parish too; I believe I could buy them
+both."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my business
+is, that we are by various accidents stript of our money, and are not
+able to pay our reckoning, being seven shillings. I therefore request
+you to assist me with the loan of those seven shillings, and also seven
+shillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you; but if not,
+I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of laying
+up a treasure in a better place than any this world affords."
+
+Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagined
+a client, when the lawyer was preparing his palm for the fee, should
+pull out a writ against him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of a
+chariot containing some great doctor of eminent skill, should, instead
+of directions to a patient, present him with a potion for himself.
+Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord
+----, or sir ----, or esq. ---- with a good broomstick. Suppose a civil
+companion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, and
+beauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, and
+ugliness, and folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when a
+tradesman first carries in his bill, the man of fashion should pay it;
+or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman should abate what he had
+overcharged, on the supposition of waiting. In short--suppose what you
+will, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to the astonishment
+which seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. A
+while he rolled his eyes in silence; sometimes surveying Adams, then his
+wife; then casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven.
+At last he burst forth in the following accents: "Sir, I believe I know
+where to lay up my little treasure as well as another. I thank G--, if I
+am not so warm as some, I am content; that is a blessing greater than
+riches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be content
+with a little is greater than to possess the world; which a man may
+possess without being so. Lay up my treasure! what matters where a man's
+treasure is whose heart is in the Scriptures? there is the treasure of a
+Christian." At these words the water ran from Adams's eyes; and,
+catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, "Brother," says he,
+"heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you! I would have
+walked many a mile to have communed with you; and, believe me, I will
+shortly pay you a second visit; but my friends, I fancy, by this time,
+wonder at my stay; so let me have the money immediately." Trulliber then
+put on a stern look, and cried out, "Thou dost not intend to rob me?" At
+which the wife, bursting into tears, fell on her knees and roared out,
+"O dear sir! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master; we are but poor
+people." "Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business,"
+said Trulliber; "dost think the man will venture his life? he is a
+beggar, and no robber." "Very true, indeed," answered Adams. "I wish,
+with all my heart, the tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber; "I would
+have thee punished as a vagabond for thy impudence. Fourteen shillings
+indeed! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe thou art no more a
+clergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife); "but if thou
+art, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for running
+about the country in such a manner." "I forgive your suspicions," says
+Adams; "but suppose I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother;
+and thou, as a Christian, much more as a clergyman, art obliged to
+relieve my distress." "Dost preach to me?" replied Trulliber; "dost
+pretend to instruct me in my duty?" "Ifacks, a good story," cries Mrs
+Trulliber, "to preach to my master." "Silence, woman," cries Trulliber.
+"I would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shall
+not learn my duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better than
+to give to vagabonds." "Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rate
+obliges us to give so much charity," cries the wife. "Pugh! thou art a
+fool. Poor's reate! Hold thy nonsense," answered Trulliber; and then,
+turning to Adams, he told him, "he would give him nothing." "I am
+sorry," answered Adams, "that you do know what charity is, since you
+practise it no better: I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledge
+for your justification, you will find yourself deceived, though you
+should add faith to it, without good works." "Fellow," cries Trulliber,
+"dost thou speak against faith in my house? Get out of my doors: I will
+no longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks wantonly
+of faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams.
+"How! not name the Scriptures! Do you disbelieve the Scriptures?" cries
+Trulliber. "No; but you do," answered Adams, "if I may reason from your
+practice; for their commands are so explicit, and their rewards and
+punishments so immense, that it is impossible a man should stedfastly
+believe without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, no duty
+more frequently enjoined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void of
+charity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." "I
+would not advise thee," says Trulliber, "to say that I am no Christian:
+I won't take it of you; for I believe I am as good a man as thyself"
+(and indeed, though he was now rather too corpulent for athletic
+exercises, he had, in his youth, been one of the best boxers and
+cudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist,
+interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a true
+Christian, and take the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams to
+strike, but an absolute assault on himself or his friend, he smiled at
+the angry look and gestures of Trulliber; and, telling him he was sorry
+to see such men in orders, departed without further ceremony.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+_An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson Adams gave
+of his forgetfulness._
+
+
+When he came back to the inn he found Joseph and Fanny sitting together.
+They were so far from thinking his absence long, as he had feared they
+would, that they never once missed or thought of him. Indeed, I have
+been often assured by both, that they spent these hours in a most
+delightful conversation; but, as I never could prevail on either to
+relate it, so I cannot communicate it to the reader.
+
+Adams acquainted the lovers with the ill success of his enterprize. They
+were all greatly confounded, none being able to propose any method of
+departing, till Joseph at last advised calling in the hostess, and
+desiring her to trust them; which Fanny said she despaired of her doing,
+as she was one of the sourest-faced women she had ever beheld.
+
+But she was agreeably disappointed; for the hostess was no sooner asked
+the question than she readily agreed; and, with a curtsy and smile,
+wished them a good journey. However, lest Fanny's skill in physiognomy
+should be called in question, we will venture to assign one reason
+which might probably incline her to this confidence and good-humour.
+When Adams said he was going to visit his brother, he had unwittingly
+imposed on Joseph and Fanny, who both believed he had meant his natural
+brother, and not his brother in divinity, and had so informed the
+hostess, on her enquiry after him. Now Mr Trulliber had, by his
+professions of piety, by his gravity, austerity, reserve, and the
+opinion of his great wealth, so great an authority in his parish, that
+they all lived in the utmost fear and apprehension of him. It was
+therefore no wonder that the hostess, who knew it was in his option
+whether she should ever sell another mug of drink, did not dare to
+affront his supposed brother by denying him credit.
+
+They were now just on their departure when Adams recollected he had left
+his greatcoat and hat at Mr Trulliber's. As he was not desirous of
+renewing his visit, the hostess herself, having no servant at home,
+offered to fetch it.
+
+This was an unfortunate expedient; for the hostess was soon undeceived
+in the opinion she had entertained of Adams, whom Trulliber abused in
+the grossest terms, especially when he heard he had had the assurance to
+pretend to be his near relation.
+
+At her return, therefore, she entirely changed her note. She said,
+"Folks might be ashamed of travelling about, and pretending to be what
+they were not. That taxes were high, and for her part she was obliged to
+pay for what she had; she could not therefore possibly, nor would she,
+trust anybody; no, not her own father. That money was never scarcer, and
+she wanted to make up a sum. That she expected, therefore, they should
+pay their reckoning before they left the house."
+
+Adams was now greatly perplexed; but, as he knew that he could easily
+have borrowed such a sum in his own parish, and as he knew he would have
+lent it himself to any mortal in distress, so he took fresh courage, and
+sallied out all round the parish, but to no purpose; he returned as
+pennyless as he went, groaning and lamenting that it was possible, in a
+country professing Christianity, for a wretch to starve in the midst of
+his fellow-creatures who abounded.
+
+Whilst he was gone, the hostess, who stayed as a sort of guard with
+Joseph and Fanny, entertained them with the goodness of parson
+Trulliber. And, indeed, he had not only a very good character as to
+other qualities in the neighbourhood, but was reputed a man of great
+charity; for, though he never gave a farthing, he had always that word
+in his mouth.
+
+Adams was no sooner returned the second time than the storm grew
+exceedingly high, the hostess declaring, among other things, that, if
+they offered to stir without paying her, she would soon overtake them
+with a warrant.
+
+Plato and Aristotle, or somebody else, hath said, _that when the most
+exquisite cunning fails, chance often hits the mark, and that by means
+the least expected_. Virgil expresses this very boldly:--
+
+    _Turne, quod optanti divum promittere nemo
+    Auderet, volvenda dies, en! attulit ultro._
+
+I would quote more great men if I could; but my memory not permitting
+me, I will proceed to exemplify these observations by the following
+instance:--
+
+There chanced (for Adams had not cunning enough to contrive it) to be at
+that time in the alehouse a fellow who had been formerly a drummer in an
+Irish regiment, and now travelled the country as a pedlar. This man,
+having attentively listened to the discourse of the hostess, at last
+took Adams aside, and asked him what the sum was for which they were
+detained. As soon as he was informed, he sighed, and said, "He was sorry
+it was so much; for that he had no more than six shillings and sixpence
+in his pocket, which he would lend them with all his heart." Adams gave
+a caper, and cry'd out, "It would do; for that he had sixpence himself."
+And thus these poor people, who could not engage the compassion of
+riches and piety, were at length delivered out of their distress by the
+charity of a poor pedlar.
+
+I shall refer it to my reader to make what observations he pleases on
+this incident: it is sufficient for me to inform him that, after Adams
+and his companions had returned him a thousand thanks, and told him
+where he might call to be repaid, they all sallied out of the house
+without any compliments from their hostess, or indeed without paying her
+any; Adams declaring he would take particular care never to call there
+again; and she on her side assuring them she wanted no such guests.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+_A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater
+instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience
+in the ways of this world._
+
+
+Our travellers had walked about two miles from that inn, which they had
+more reason to have mistaken for a castle than Don Quixote ever had any
+of those in which he sojourned, seeing they had met with such difficulty
+in escaping out of its walls, when they came to a parish, and beheld a
+sign of invitation hanging out. A gentleman sat smoaking a pipe at the
+door, of whom Adams inquired the road, and received so courteous and
+obliging an answer, accompanied with so smiling a countenance, that the
+good parson, whose heart was naturally disposed to love and affection,
+began to ask several other questions; particularly the name of the
+parish, and who was the owner of a large house whose front they then had
+in prospect. The gentleman answered as obligingly as before; and as to
+the house, acquainted him it was his own. He then proceeded in the
+following manner: "Sir, I presume by your habit you are a clergyman; and
+as you are travelling on foot I suppose a glass of good beer will not be
+disagreeable to you; and I can recommend my landlord's within as some of
+the best in all this country. What say you, will you halt a little and
+let us take a pipe together? there is no better tobacco in the kingdom."
+This proposal was not displeasing to Adams, who had allayed his thirst
+that day with no better liquor than what Mrs Trulliber's cellar had
+produced; and which was indeed little superior, either in richness or
+flavour, to that which distilled from those grains her generous husband
+bestowed on his hogs. Having, therefore, abundantly thanked the
+gentleman for his kind invitation, and bid Joseph and Fanny follow him,
+he entered the alehouse, where a large loaf and cheese and a pitcher of
+beer, which truly answered the character given of it, being set before
+them, the three travellers fell to eating, with appetites infinitely
+more voracious than are to be found at the most exquisite eating-houses
+in the parish of St. James's.
+
+The gentleman expressed great delight in the hearty and cheerful
+behaviour of Adams; and particularly in the familiarity with which he
+conversed with Joseph and Fanny, whom he often called his children; a
+term he explained to mean no more than his parishioners; saying, "He
+looked on all those whom God had intrusted to his care to stand to him
+in that relation." The gentleman, shaking him by the hand, highly
+applauded those sentiments. "They are, indeed," says he, "the true
+principles of a Christian divine; and I heartily wish they were
+universal; but, on the contrary, I am sorry to say the parson of our
+parish, instead of esteeming his poor parishioners as a part of his
+family, seems rather to consider them as not of the same species with
+himself. He seldom speaks to any, unless some few of the richest of
+us; nay, indeed, he will not move his hat to the others. I often laugh
+when I behold him on Sundays strutting along the churchyard like a
+turkey-cock through rows of his parishioners, who bow to him with as
+much submission, and are as unregarded, as a set of servile courtiers
+by the proudest prince in Christendom. But if such temporal pride is
+ridiculous, surely the spiritual is odious and detestable; if such a
+puffed--up empty human bladder, strutting in princely robes, justly
+moves one's derision, surely in the habit of a priest it must raise
+our scorn."
+
+"Doubtless," answered Adams, "your opinion is right; but I hope such
+examples are rare. The clergy whom I have the honour to know maintain a
+different behaviour; and you will allow me, sir, that the readiness
+which too many of the laity show to contemn the order may be one reason
+of their avoiding too much humility." "Very true, indeed," says the
+gentleman; "I find, sir, you are a man of excellent sense, and am happy
+in this opportunity of knowing you; perhaps our accidental meeting may
+not be disadvantageous to you neither. At present I shall only say to
+you that the incumbent of this living is old and infirm, and that it is
+in my gift. Doctor, give me your hand; and assure yourself of it at his
+decease." Adams told him, "He was never more confounded in his life than
+at his utter incapacity to make any return to such noble and unmerited
+generosity." "A mere trifle, sir," cries the gentleman, "scarce worth
+your acceptance; a little more than three hundred a year. I wish it was
+double the value for your sake." Adams bowed, and cried from the
+emotions of his gratitude; when the other asked him, "If he was married,
+or had any children, besides those in the spiritual sense he had
+mentioned." "Sir," replied the parson, "I have a wife and six at your
+service." "That is unlucky," says the gentleman; "for I would otherwise
+have taken you into my own house as my chaplain; however, I have another
+in the parish (for the parsonage-house is not good enough), which I will
+furnish for you. Pray, does your wife understand a dairy?" "I can't
+profess she does," says Adams. "I am sorry for it," quoth the gentleman;
+"I would have given you half-a-dozen cows, and very good grounds to have
+maintained them." "Sir," said Adams, in an ecstasy, "you are too
+liberal; indeed you are." "Not at all," cries the gentleman: "I esteem
+riches only as they give me an opportunity of doing good; and I never
+saw one whom I had a greater inclination to serve." At which words he
+shook him heartily by the hand, and told him he had sufficient room in
+his house to entertain him and his friends. Adams begged he might give
+him no such trouble; that they could be very well accommodated in the
+house where they were; forgetting they had not a sixpenny piece among
+them. The gentleman would not be denied; and, informing himself how far
+they were travelling, he said it was too long a journey to take on foot,
+and begged that they would favour him by suffering him to lend them a
+servant and horses; adding, withal, that, if they would do him the
+pleasure of their company only two days, he would furnish them with his
+coach and six. Adams, turning to Joseph, said, "How lucky is this
+gentleman's goodness to you, who I am afraid would be scarce able to
+hold out on your lame leg!" and then, addressing the person who made him
+these liberal promises, after much bowing, he cried out, "Blessed be the
+hour which first introduced me to a man of your charity! you are indeed
+a Christian of the true primitive kind, and an honour to the country
+wherein you live. I would willingly have taken a pilgrimage to the Holy
+Land to have beheld you; for the advantages which we draw from your
+goodness give me little pleasure, in comparison of what I enjoy for your
+own sake when I consider the treasures you are by these means laying up
+for yourself in a country that passeth not away. We will therefore, most
+generous sir, accept your goodness, as well the entertainment you have
+so kindly offered us at your house this evening, as the accommodation of
+your horses to-morrow morning." He then began to search for his hat, as
+did Joseph for his; and both they and Fanny were in order of departure,
+when the gentleman, stopping short, and seeming to meditate by himself
+for the space of about a minute, exclaimed thus: "Sure never anything
+was so unlucky; I had forgot that my house-keeper was gone abroad, and
+hath locked up all my rooms; indeed, I would break them open for you,
+but shall not be able to furnish you with a bed; for she has likewise
+put away all my linen. I am glad it entered into my head before I had
+given you the trouble of walking there; besides, I believe you will find
+better accommodations here than you expected.--Landlord, you can provide
+good beds for these people, can't you?" "Yes, and please your worship,"
+cries the host, "and such as no lord or justice of the peace in the
+kingdom need be ashamed to lie in." "I am heartily sorry," says the
+gentleman, "for this disappointment. I am resolved I will never suffer
+her to carry away the keys again." "Pray, sir, let it not make you
+uneasy," cries Adams; "we shall do very well here; and the loan of your
+horses is a favour we shall be incapable of making any return to." "Ay!"
+said the squire, "the horses shall attend you here at what hour in the
+morning you please;" and now, after many civilities too tedious to
+enumerate, many squeezes by the hand, with most affectionate looks and
+smiles at each other, and after appointing the horses at seven the next
+morning, the gentleman took his leave of them, and departed to his own
+house. Adams and his companions returned to the table, where the parson
+smoaked another pipe, and then they all retired to rest.
+
+Mr Adams rose very early, and called Joseph out of his bed, between whom
+a very fierce dispute ensued, whether Fanny should ride behind Joseph,
+or behind the gentleman's servant; Joseph insisting on it that he was
+perfectly recovered, and was as capable of taking care of Fanny as any
+other person could be. But Adams would not agree to it, and declared he
+would not trust her behind him; for that he was weaker than he imagined
+himself to be.
+
+This dispute continued a long time, and had begun to be very hot, when a
+servant arrived from their good friend, to acquaint them that he was
+unfortunately prevented from lending them any horses; for that his groom
+had, unknown to him, put his whole stable under a course of physic.
+
+This advice presently struck the two disputants dumb: Adams cried out,
+"Was ever anything so unlucky as this poor gentleman? I protest I am
+more sorry on his account than my own. You see, Joseph, how this
+good-natured man is treated by his servants; one locks up his linen,
+another physics his horses, and I suppose, by his being at this house
+last night, the butler had locked up his cellar. Bless us! how
+good-nature is used in this world! I protest I am more concerned on his
+account than my own." "So am not I," cries Joseph; "not that I am much
+troubled about walking on foot; all my concern is, how we shall get out
+of the house, unless God sends another pedlar to redeem us. But
+certainly this gentleman has such an affection for you, that he would
+lend you a larger sum than we owe here, which is not above four or five
+shillings." "Very true, child," answered Adams; "I will write a letter
+to him, and will even venture to solicit him for three half-crowns;
+there will be no harm in having two or three shillings in our pockets;
+as we have full forty miles to travel, we may possibly have occasion for
+them."
+
+Fanny being now risen, Joseph paid her a visit, and left Adams to
+write his letter, which having finished, he despatched a boy with it to
+the gentleman, and then seated himself by the door, lighted his pipe,
+and betook himself to meditation.
+
+The boy staying longer than seemed to be necessary, Joseph, who with
+Fanny was now returned to the parson, expressed some apprehensions that
+the gentleman's steward had locked up his purse too. To which Adams
+answered, "It might very possibly be, and he should wonder at no
+liberties which the devil might put into the head of a wicked servant
+to take with so worthy a master;" but added, "that, as the sum was so
+small, so noble a gentleman would be easily able to procure it in the
+parish, though he had it not in his own pocket. Indeed," says he, "if
+it was four or five guineas, or any such large quantity of money, it
+might be a different matter."
+
+They were now sat down to breakfast over some toast and ale, when the
+boy returned and informed them that the gentleman was not at home. "Very
+well!" cries Adams; "but why, child, did you not stay till his return?
+Go back again, my good boy, and wait for his coming home; he cannot be
+gone far, as his horses are all sick; and besides, he had no intention
+to go abroad, for he invited us to spend this day and tomorrow at his
+house. Therefore go back, child, and tarry till his return home." The
+messenger departed, and was back again with great expedition, bringing
+an account that the gentleman was gone a long journey, and would not be
+at home again this month. At these words Adams seemed greatly
+confounded, saying, "This must be a sudden accident, as the sickness or
+death of a relation or some such unforeseen misfortune;" and then,
+turning to Joseph, cried, "I wish you had reminded me to have borrowed
+this money last night." Joseph, smiling, answered, "He was very much
+deceived if the gentleman would not have found some excuse to avoid
+lending it.--I own," says he, "I was never much pleased with his
+professing so much kindness for you at first sight; for I have heard the
+gentlemen of our cloth in London tell many such stories of their
+masters. But when the boy brought the message back of his not being at
+home, I presently knew what would follow; for, whenever a man of fashion
+doth not care to fulfil his promises, the custom is to order his
+servants that he will never be at home to the person so promised. In
+London they call it denying him. I have myself denied Sir Thomas Booby
+above a hundred times, and when the man hath danced attendance for about
+a month or sometimes longer, he is acquainted in the end that the
+gentleman is gone out of town and could do nothing in the
+business."--"Good Lord!" says Adams, "what wickedness is there in the
+Christian world! I profess almost equal to what I have read of the
+heathens. But surely, Joseph, your suspicions of this gentleman must be
+unjust, for what a silly fellow must he be who would do the devil's work
+for nothing! and canst thou tell me any interest he could possibly
+propose to himself by deceiving us in his professions?"--"It is not for
+me," answered Joseph, "to give reasons for what men do, to a gentleman
+of your learning."--"You say right," quoth Adams; "knowledge of men is
+only to be learned from books; Plato and Seneca for that; and those are
+authors, I am afraid, child, you never read."--"Not I, sir, truly,"
+answered Joseph; "all I know is, it is a maxim among the gentlemen of
+our cloth, that those masters who promise the most perform the least;
+and I have often heard them say they have found the largest vails in
+those families where they were not promised any. But, sir, instead of
+considering any farther these matters, it would be our wisest way to
+contrive some method of getting out of this house; for the generous
+gentleman, instead of doing us any service, hath left us the whole
+reckoning to pay." Adams was going to answer, when their host came in,
+and, with a kind of jeering smile, said, "Well, masters! the squire hath
+not sent his horses for you yet. Laud help me! how easily some folks
+make promises!"--"How!" says Adams; "have you ever known him do anything
+of this kind before?"--"Ay! marry have I," answered the host: "it is no
+business of mine, you know, sir, to say anything to a gentleman to his
+face; but now he is not here, I will assure you, he hath not his fellow
+within the three next market-towns. I own I could not help laughing when
+I heard him offer you the living, for thereby hangs a good jest. I
+thought he would have offered you my house next, for one is no more his
+to dispose of than the other." At these words Adams, blessing himself,
+declared, "He had never read of such a monster. But what vexes me most,"
+says he, "is, that he hath decoyed us into running up a long debt with
+you, which we are not able to pay, for we have no money about us, and,
+what is worse, live at such a distance, that if you should trust us, I
+am afraid you would lose your money for want of our finding any
+conveniency of sending it."--"Trust you, master!" says the host, "that I
+will with all my heart. I honour the clergy too much to deny trusting
+one of them for such a trifle; besides, I like your fear of never paying
+me. I have lost many a debt in my lifetime, but was promised to be paid
+them all in a very short time. I will score this reckoning for the
+novelty of it. It is the first, I do assure you, of its kind. But what
+say you, master, shall we have t'other pot before we part? It will waste
+but a little chalk more, and if you never pay me a shilling the loss
+will not ruin me." Adams liked the invitation very well, especially as
+it was delivered with so hearty an accent. He shook his host by the
+hand, and thanking him, said, "He would tarry another pot rather for the
+pleasure of such worthy company than for the liquor;" adding, "he was
+glad to find some Christians left in the kingdom, for that he almost
+began to suspect that he was sojourning in a country inhabited only by
+Jews and Turks."
+
+The kind host produced the liquor, and Joseph with Fanny retired into
+the garden, where, while they solaced themselves with amorous discourse,
+Adams sat down with his host; and, both filling their glasses, and
+lighting their pipes, they began that dialogue which the reader will
+find in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+_A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by the
+disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky
+catastrophe, had it not been timely prevented by the return of
+the lovers._
+
+
+"Sir," said the host, "I assure you you are not the first to whom our
+squire hath promised more than he hath performed. He is so famous for
+this practice, that his word will not be taken for much by those who
+know him. I remember a young fellow whom he promised his parents to make
+an exciseman. The poor people, who could ill afford it, bred their son
+to writing and accounts, and other learning to qualify him for the
+place; and the boy held up his head above his condition with these
+hopes; nor would he go to plough, nor to any other kind of work, and
+went constantly drest as fine as could be, with two clean Holland shirts
+a week, and this for several years; till at last he followed the squire
+up to London, thinking there to mind him of his promises; but he could
+never get sight of him. So that, being out of money and business, he
+fell into evil company and wicked courses; and in the end came to a
+sentence of transportation, the news of which broke the mother's
+heart.--I will tell you another true story of him. There was a neighbour
+of mine, a farmer, who had two sons whom he bred up to the business.
+Pretty lads they were. Nothing would serve the squire but that the
+youngest must be made a parson. Upon which he persuaded the father to
+send him to school, promising that he would afterwards maintain him at
+the university, and, when he was of a proper age, give him a living. But
+after the lad had been seven years at school, and his father brought him
+to the squire, with a letter from his master that he was fit for the
+university, the squire, instead of minding his promise, or sending him
+thither at his expense, only told his father that the young man was a
+fine scholar, and it was pity he could not afford to keep him at Oxford
+for four or five years more, by which time, if he could get him a
+curacy, he might have him ordained. The farmer said, 'He was not a man
+sufficient to do any such thing.'--'Why, then,' answered the squire, 'I
+am very sorry you have given him so much learning; for, if he cannot get
+his living by that, it will rather spoil him for anything else; and your
+other son, who can hardly write his name, will do more at ploughing and
+sowing, and is in a better condition, than he.' And indeed so it proved;
+for the poor lad, not finding friends to maintain him in his learning,
+as he had expected, and being unwilling to work, fell to drinking,
+though he was a very sober lad before; and in a short time, partly with
+grief, and partly with good liquor, fell into a consumption, and
+died.--Nay, I can tell you more still: there was another, a young woman,
+and the handsomest in all this neighbourhood, whom he enticed up to
+London, promising to make her a gentlewoman to one of your women of
+quality; but, instead of keeping his word, we have since heard, after
+having a child by her himself, she became a common whore; then kept a
+coffeehouse in Covent Garden; and a little after died of the French
+distemper in a gaol.--I could tell you many more stories; but how do you
+imagine he served me myself? You must know, sir, I was bred a seafaring
+man, and have been many voyages; till at last I came to be master of a
+ship myself, and was in a fair way of making a fortune, when I was
+attacked by one of those cursed guarda-costas who took our ships before
+the beginning of the war; and after a fight, wherein I lost the greater
+part of my crew, my rigging being all demolished, and two shots received
+between wind and water, I was forced to strike. The villains carried off
+my ship, a brigantine of 150 tons--a pretty creature she was--and put me,
+a man, and a boy, into a little bad pink, in which, with much ado, we at
+last made Falmouth; though I believe the Spaniards did not imagine she
+could possibly live a day at sea. Upon my return hither, where my wife,
+who was of this country, then lived, the squire told me he was so
+pleased with the defence I had made against the enemy, that he did not
+fear getting me promoted to a lieutenancy of a man-of-war, if I would
+accept of it; which I thankfully assured him I would. Well, sir, two or
+three years passed, during which I had many repeated promises, not only
+from the squire, but (as he told me) from the lords of the admiralty. He
+never returned from London but I was assured I might be satisfied now,
+for I was certain of the first vacancy; and, what surprizes me still,
+when I reflect on it, these assurances were given me with no less
+confidence, after so many disappointments, than at first. At last, sir,
+growing weary, and somewhat suspicious, after so much delay, I wrote to
+a friend in London, who I knew had some acquaintance at the best house
+in the admiralty, and desired him to back the squire's interest; for
+indeed I feared he had solicited the affair with more coldness than he
+pretended. And what answer do you think my friend sent me? Truly, sir,
+he acquainted me that the squire had never mentioned my name at the
+admiralty in his life; and, unless I had much faithfuller interest,
+advised me to give over my pretensions; which I immediately did, and,
+with the concurrence of my wife, resolved to set up an alehouse, where
+you are heartily welcome; and so my service to you; and may the squire,
+and all such sneaking rascals, go to the devil together."--"O fie!" says
+Adams, "O fie! He is indeed a wicked man; but G-- will, I hope, turn his
+heart to repentance. Nay, if he could but once see the meanness of this
+detestable vice; would he but once reflect that he is one of the most
+scandalous as well as pernicious lyars; sure he must despise himself to
+so intolerable a degree, that it would be impossible for him to continue
+a moment in such a course. And to confess the truth, notwithstanding the
+baseness of this character, which he hath too well deserved, he hath in
+his countenance sufficient symptoms of that _bona indoles_, that
+sweetness of disposition, which furnishes out a good Christian."--"Ah,
+master! master!" says the host, "if you had travelled as far as I have,
+and conversed with the many nations where I have traded, you would not
+give any credit to a man's countenance. Symptoms in his countenance,
+quotha! I would look there, perhaps, to see whether a man had the
+small-pox, but for nothing else." He spoke this with so little regard to
+the parson's observation, that it a good deal nettled him; and, taking
+the pipe hastily from his mouth, he thus answered: "Master of mine,
+perhaps I have travelled a great deal farther than you without the
+assistance of a ship. Do you imagine sailing by different cities or
+countries is travelling? No.
+
+    "Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt.
+
+"I can go farther in an afternoon than you in a twelvemonth. What, I
+suppose you have seen the Pillars of Hercules, and perhaps the walls of
+Carthage. Nay, you may have heard Scylla, and seen Charybdis; you may
+have entered the closet where Archimedes was found at the taking of
+Syracuse. I suppose you have sailed among the Cyclades, and passed the
+famous straits which take their name from the unfortunate Helle, whose
+fate is sweetly described by Apollonius Rhodius; you have passed the
+very spot, I conceive, where Daedalus fell into that sea, his waxen
+wings being melted by the sun; you have traversed the Euxine sea, I make
+no doubt; nay, you may have been on the banks of the Caspian, and called
+at Colchis, to see if there is ever another golden fleece." "Not I,
+truly, master," answered the host: "I never touched at any of these
+places."--"But I have been at all these," replied Adams. "Then, I
+suppose," cries the host, "you have been at the East Indies; for there
+are no such, I will be sworn, either in the West or the Levant."--"Pray
+where's the Levant?" quoth Adams; "that should be in the East Indies by
+right." "Oho! you are a pretty traveller," cries the host, "and not know
+the Levant! My service to you, master; you must not talk of these things
+with me! you must not tip us the traveller; it won't go here." "Since
+thou art so dull to misunderstand me still," quoth Adams, "I will inform
+thee; the travelling I mean is in books, the only way of travelling by
+which any knowledge is to be acquired. From them I learn what I asserted
+just now, that nature generally imprints such a portraiture of the mind
+in the countenance, that a skilful physiognomist will rarely be
+deceived. I presume you have never read the story of Socrates to this
+purpose, and therefore I will tell it you. A certain physiognomist
+asserted of Socrates, that he plainly discovered by his features that he
+was a rogue in his nature. A character so contrary to the tenour of all
+this great man's actions, and the generally received opinion concerning
+him, incensed the boys of Athens so that they threw stones at the
+physiognomist, and would have demolished him for his ignorance, had not
+Socrates himself prevented them by confessing the truth of his
+observations, and acknowledging that, though he corrected his
+disposition by philosophy, he was indeed naturally as inclined to vice
+as had been predicated of him. Now, pray resolve me--How should a man
+know this story if he had not read it?" "Well, master," said the host,
+"and what signifies it whether a man knows it or no? He who goes abroad,
+as I have done, will always have opportunities enough of knowing the
+world without troubling his head with Socrates, or any such fellows."
+"Friend," cries Adams, "if a man should sail round the world, and anchor
+in every harbour of it, without learning, he would return home as
+ignorant as he went out." "Lord help you!" answered the host; "there was
+my boatswain, poor fellow! he could scarce either write or read, and yet
+he would navigate a ship with any master of a man-of-war; and a very
+pretty knowledge of trade he had too." "Trade," answered Adams, "as
+Aristotle proves in his first chapter of Politics, is below a
+philosopher, and unnatural as it is managed now." The host looked
+stedfastly at Adams, and after a minute's silence asked him, "If he was
+one of the writers of the Gazetteers? for I have heard," says he, "they
+are writ by parsons." "Gazetteers!" answered Adams, "what is that?" "It
+is a dirty newspaper," replied the host, "which hath been given away all
+over the nation for these many years, to abuse trade and honest men,
+which I would not suffer to lye on my table, though it hath been offered
+me for nothing." "Not I truly," said Adams; "I never write anything but
+sermons; and I assure you I am no enemy to trade, whilst it is
+consistent with honesty; nay, I have always looked on the tradesman as a
+very valuable member of society, and, perhaps, inferior to none but the
+man of learning." "No, I believe he is not, nor to him neither,"
+answered the host. "Of what use would learning be in a country without
+trade? What would all you parsons do to clothe your backs and feed your
+bellies? Who fetches you your silks, and your linens, and your wines,
+and all the other necessaries of life? I speak chiefly with regard to
+the sailors." "You should say the extravagancies of life," replied the
+parson; "but admit they were the necessaries, there is something more
+necessary than life itself, which is provided by learning; I mean the
+learning of the clergy. Who clothes you with piety, meekness, humility,
+charity, patience, and all the other Christian virtues? Who feeds your
+souls with the milk of brotherly love, and diets them with all the
+dainty food of holiness, which at once cleanses them of all impure
+carnal affections, and fattens them with the truly rich spirit of grace?
+Who doth this?" "Ay, who, indeed?" cries the host; "for I do not
+remember ever to have seen any such clothing or such feeding. And so, in
+the mean time, master, my service to you." Adams was going to answer
+with some severity, when Joseph and Fanny returned and pressed his
+departure so eagerly that he would not refuse them; and so, grasping his
+crabstick, he took leave of his host (neither of them being so well
+pleased with each other as they had been at their first sitting down
+together), and with Joseph and Fanny, who both expressed much
+impatience, departed, and now all together renewed their journey.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK III.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Matter prefatory in praise of biography._
+
+
+Notwithstanding the preference which may be vulgarly given to the
+authority of those romance writers who entitle their books "the History
+of England, the History of France, of Spain, &c.," it is most certain
+that truth is to be found only in the works of those who celebrate the
+lives of great men, and are commonly called biographers, as the others
+should indeed be termed topographers, or chorographers; words which
+might well mark the distinction between them; it being the business of
+the latter chiefly to describe countries and cities, which, with the
+assistance of maps, they do pretty justly, and may be depended upon; but
+as to the actions and characters of men, their writings are not quite so
+authentic, of which there needs no other proof than those eternal
+contradictions occurring between two topographers who undertake the
+history of the same country: for instance, between my Lord Clarendon and
+Mr Whitelocke, between Mr Echard and Rapin, and many others; where,
+facts being set forth in a different light, every reader believes as he
+pleases; and, indeed, the more judicious and suspicious very justly
+esteem the whole as no other than a romance, in which the writer hath
+indulged a happy and fertile invention. But though these widely differ
+in the narrative of facts; some ascribing victory to the one, and others
+to the other party; some representing the same man as a rogue, while
+others give him a great and honest character; yet all agree in the scene
+where the fact is supposed to have happened, and where the person, who
+is both a rogue and an honest man, lived. Now with us biographers the
+case is different; the facts we deliver may be relied on, though we
+often mistake the age and country wherein they happened: for, though it
+may be worth the examination of critics, whether the shepherd
+Chrysostom, who, as Cervantes informs us, died for love of the fair
+Marcella, who hated him, was ever in Spain, will any one doubt but that
+such a silly fellow hath really existed? Is there in the world such a
+sceptic as to disbelieve the madness of Cardenio, the perfidy of
+Ferdinand, the impertinent curiosity of Anselmo, the weakness of
+Camilla, the irresolute friendship of Lothario? though perhaps, as to
+the time and place where those several persons lived, that good
+historian may be deplorably deficient. But the most known instance of
+this kind is in the true history of Gil Blas, where the inimitable
+biographer hath made a notorious blunder in the country of Dr Sangrado,
+who used his patients as a vintner doth his wine-vessels, by letting out
+their blood, and filling them up with water. Doth not every one, who is
+the least versed in physical history, know that Spain was not the
+country in which this doctor lived? The same writer hath likewise erred
+in the country of his archbishop, as well as that of those great
+personages whose understandings were too sublime to taste anything but
+tragedy, and in many others. The same mistakes may likewise be observed
+in Scarron, the Arabian Nights, the History of Marianne and le Paisan
+Parvenu, and perhaps some few other writers of this class, whom I have
+not read, or do not at present recollect; for I would by no means be
+thought to comprehend those persons of surprizing genius, the authors of
+immense romances, or the modern novel and Atalantis writers; who,
+without any assistance from nature or history, record persons who never
+were, or will be, and facts which never did, nor possibly can, happen;
+whose heroes are of their own creation, and their brains the chaos
+whence all their materials are selected. Not that such writers deserve
+no honour; so far otherwise, that perhaps they merit the highest; for
+what can be nobler than to be as an example of the wonderful extent of
+human genius? One may apply to them what Balzac says of Aristotle, that
+they are a second nature (for they have no communication with the first;
+by which, authors of an inferior class, who cannot stand alone, are
+obliged to support themselves as with crutches); but these of whom I am
+now speaking seem to be possessed of those stilts, which the excellent
+Voltaire tells us, in his letters, "carry the genius far off, but with
+an regular pace." Indeed, far out of the sight of the reader,
+
+    Beyond the realm of Chaos and old Night.
+
+But to return to the former class, who are contented to copy nature,
+instead of forming originals from the confused heap of matter in their
+own brains, is not such a book as that which records the achievements of
+the renowned Don Quixote more worthy the name of a history than even
+Mariana's: for, whereas the latter is confined to a particular period of
+time, and to a particular nation, the former is the history of the world
+in general, at least that part which is polished by laws, arts, and
+sciences; and of that from the time it was first polished to this day;
+nay, and forwards as long as it shall so remain?
+
+I shall now proceed to apply these observations to the work before us;
+for indeed I have set them down principally to obviate some
+constructions which the good nature of mankind, who are always forward
+to see their friends' virtues recorded, may put to particular parts. I
+question not but several of my readers will know the lawyer in the
+stage-coach the moment they hear his voice. It is likewise odds but the
+wit and the prude meet with some of their acquaintance, as well as all
+the rest of my characters. To prevent, therefore, any such malicious
+applications, I declare here, once for all, I describe not men, but
+manners; not an individual, but a species. Perhaps it will be answered,
+Are not the characters then taken from life? To which I answer in the
+affirmative; nay, I believe I might aver that I have writ little more
+than I have seen. The lawyer is not only alive, but hath been so these
+four thousand years; and I hope G-- will indulge his life as many yet to
+come. He hath not indeed confined himself to one profession, one
+religion, or one country; but when the first mean selfish creature
+appeared on the human stage, who made self the centre of the whole
+creation, would give himself no pain, incur no danger, advance no money,
+to assist or preserve his fellow-creatures; then was our lawyer born;
+and, whilst such a person as I have described exists on earth, so long
+shall he remain upon it. It is, therefore, doing him little honour to
+imagine he endeavours to mimick some little obscure fellow, because he
+happens to resemble him in one particular feature, or perhaps in his
+profession; whereas his appearance in the world is calculated for much
+more general and noble purposes; not to expose one pitiful wretch to the
+small and contemptible circle of his acquaintance; but to hold the glass
+to thousands in their closets, that they may contemplate their
+deformity, and endeavour to reduce it, and thus by suffering private
+mortification may avoid public shame. This places the boundary between,
+and distinguishes the satirist from the libeller: for the former
+privately corrects the fault for the benefit of the person, like a
+parent; the latter publickly exposes the person himself, as an example
+to others, like an executioner.
+
+There are besides little circumstances to be considered; as the drapery
+of a picture, which though fashion varies at different times, the
+resemblance of the countenance is not by those means diminished. Thus I
+believe we may venture to say Mrs Tow-wouse is coeval with our lawyer:
+and, though perhaps, during the changes which so long an existence must
+have passed through, she may in her turn have stood behind the bar at an
+inn, I will not scruple to affirm she hath likewise in the revolution of
+ages sat on a throne. In short, where extreme turbulency of temper,
+avarice, and an insensibility of human misery, with a degree of
+hypocrisy, have united in a female composition, Mrs Tow-wouse was that
+woman; and where a good inclination, eclipsed by a poverty of spirit and
+understanding, hath glimmered forth in a man, that man hath been no
+other than her sneaking husband.
+
+I shall detain my reader no longer than to give him one caution more of
+an opposite kind: for, as in most of our particular characters we mean
+not to lash individuals, but all of the like sort, so, in our general
+descriptions, we mean not universals, but would be understood with many
+exceptions: for instance, in our description of high people, we cannot
+be intended to include such as, whilst they are an honour to their high
+rank, by a well-guided condescension make their superiority as easy as
+possible to those whom fortune chiefly hath placed below them. Of this
+number I could name a peer no less elevated by nature than by fortune;
+who, whilst he wears the noblest ensigns of honour on his person, bears
+the truest stamp of dignity on his mind, adorned with greatness,
+enriched with knowledge, and embellished with genius. I have seen this
+man relieve with generosity, while he hath conversed with freedom, and
+be to the same person a patron and a companion. I could name a commoner,
+raised higher above the multitude by superior talents than is in the
+power of his prince to exalt him, whose behaviour to those he hath
+obliged is more amiable than the obligation itself; and who is so great
+a master of affability, that, if he could divest himself of an inherent
+greatness in his manner, would often make the lowest of his acquaintance
+forget who was the master of that palace in which they are so
+courteously entertained. These are pictures which must be, I believe,
+known: I declare they are taken from the life, and not intended to
+exceed it. By those high people, therefore, whom I have described, I
+mean a set of wretches, who, while they are a disgrace to their
+ancestors, whose honours and fortunes they inherit (or perhaps a greater
+to their mother, for such degeneracy is scarce credible), have the
+insolence to treat those with disregard who are at least equal to the
+founders of their own splendor. It is, I fancy, impossible to conceive a
+spectacle more worthy of our indignation, than that of a fellow, who is
+not only a blot in the escutcheon of a great family, but a scandal to
+the human species, maintaining a supercilious behaviour to men who are
+an honour to their nature and a disgrace to their fortune.
+
+And now, reader, taking these hints along with you, you may, if you
+please, proceed to the sequel of this our true history.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel Adams and his
+fellow-travellers._
+
+
+It was so late when our travellers left the inn or alehouse (for it
+might be called either), that they had not travelled many miles before
+night overtook them, or met them, which you please. The reader must
+excuse me if I am not particular as to the way they took; for, as we are
+now drawing near the seat of the Boobies, and as that is a ticklish
+name, which malicious persons may apply, according to their evil
+inclinations, to several worthy country squires, a race of men whom we
+look upon as entirely inoffensive, and for whom we have an adequate
+regard, we shall lend no assistance to any such malicious purposes.
+
+Darkness had now overspread the hemisphere, when Fanny whispered Joseph
+"that she begged to rest herself a little; for that she was so tired
+she could walk no farther." Joseph immediately prevailed with parson
+Adams, who was as brisk as a bee, to stop. He had no sooner seated
+himself than he lamented the loss of his dear Aeschylus; but was a
+little comforted when reminded that, if he had it in his possession, he
+could not see to read.
+
+The sky was so clouded, that not a star appeared. It was indeed,
+according to Milton, darkness visible. This was a circumstance, however,
+very favourable to Joseph; for Fanny, not suspicious of being overseen
+by Adams, gave a loose to her passion which she had never done before,
+and, reclining her head on his bosom, threw her arm carelessly round
+him, and suffered him to lay his cheek close to hers. All this infused
+such happiness into Joseph, that he would not have changed his turf for
+the finest down in the finest palace in the universe.
+
+Adams sat at some distance from the lovers, and, being unwilling to
+disturb them, applied himself to meditation; in which he had not
+spent much time before he discovered a light at some distance that
+seemed approaching towards him. He immediately hailed it; but, to his
+sorrow and surprize, it stopped for a moment, and then disappeared.
+He then called to Joseph, asking him, "if he had not seen the light?"
+Joseph answered, "he had."--"And did you not mark how it vanished?"
+returned he: "though I am not afraid of ghosts, I do not absolutely
+disbelieve them."
+
+He then entered into a meditation on those unsubstantial beings; which
+was soon interrupted by several voices, which he thought almost at his
+elbow, though in fact they were not so extremely near. However, he could
+distinctly hear them agree on the murder of any one they met; and a
+little after heard one of them say, "he had killed a dozen since that
+day fortnight."
+
+Adams now fell on his knees, and committed himself to the care of
+Providence; and poor Fanny, who likewise heard those terrible words,
+embraced Joseph so closely, that had not he, whose ears were also open,
+been apprehensive on her account, he would have thought no danger which
+threatened only himself too dear a price for such embraces.
+
+Joseph now drew forth his penknife, and Adams, having finished his
+ejaculations, grasped his crab-stick, his only weapon, and, coming up to
+Joseph, would have had him quit Fanny, and place her in the rear; but
+his advice was fruitless; she clung closer to him, not at all regarding
+the presence of Adams, and in a soothing voice declared, "she would die
+in his arms." Joseph, clasping her with inexpressible eagerness,
+whispered her, "that he preferred death in hers to life out of them."
+Adams, brandishing his crabstick, said, "he despised death as much as
+any man," and then repeated aloud--
+
+    "Est hic, est animus lucis contemptor et illum,
+    Qui vita bene credat emi quo tendis, honorem."
+
+Upon this the voices ceased for a moment, and then one of them called
+out, "D--n you, who is there?" To which Adams was prudent enough to make
+no reply; and of a sudden he observed half-a-dozen lights, which seemed
+to rise all at once from the ground and advance briskly towards him.
+This he immediately concluded to be an apparition; and now, beginning to
+conceive that the voices were of the same kind, he called out, "In the
+name of the L--d, what wouldst thou have?" He had no sooner spoke than
+he heard one of the voices cry out, "D--n them, here they come;" and
+soon after heard several hearty blows, as if a number of men had been
+engaged at quarterstaff. He was just advancing towards the place of
+combat, when Joseph, catching him by the skirts, begged him that they
+might take the opportunity of the dark to convey away Fanny from the
+danger which threatened her. He presently complied, and, Joseph lifting
+up Fanny, they all three made the best of their way; and without looking
+behind them, or being overtaken, they had travelled full two miles, poor
+Fanny not once complaining of being tired, when they saw afar off
+several lights scattered at a small distance from each other, and at the
+same time found themselves on the descent of a very steep hill. Adams's
+foot slipping, he instantly disappeared, which greatly frightened both
+Joseph and Fanny: indeed, if the light had permitted them to see it,
+they would scarce have refrained laughing to see the parson rolling down
+the hill; which he did from top to bottom, without receiving any harm.
+He then hollowed as loud as he could, to inform them of his safety, and
+relieve them from the fears which they had conceived for him. Joseph and
+Fanny halted some time, considering what to do; at last they advanced a
+few paces, where the declivity seemed least steep; and then Joseph,
+taking his Fanny in his arms, walked firmly down the hill, without
+making a false step, and at length landed her at the bottom, where Adams
+soon came to them.
+
+Learn hence, my fair countrywomen, to consider your own weakness, and
+the many occasions on which the strength of a man may be useful to you;
+and, duly weighing this, take care that you match not yourselves with
+the spindle-shanked beaus and _petit-maitres_ of the age, who, instead
+of being able, like Joseph Andrews, to carry you in lusty arms through
+the rugged ways and downhill steeps of life, will rather want to support
+their feeble limbs with your strength and assistance.
+
+Our travellers now moved forwards where the nearest light presented
+itself; and, having crossed a common field, they came to a meadow, where
+they seemed to be at a very little distance from the light, when, to
+their grief, they arrived at the banks of a river. Adams here made a
+full stop, and declared he could swim, but doubted how it was possible
+to get Fanny over: to which Joseph answered, "If they walked along its
+banks, they might be certain of soon finding a bridge, especially as by
+the number of lights they might be assured a parish was near." "Odso,
+that's true indeed," said Adams; "I did not think of that."
+
+Accordingly, Joseph's advice being taken, they passed over two meadows,
+and came to a little orchard, which led them to a house. Fanny begged of
+Joseph to knock at the door, assuring him "she was so weary that she
+could hardly stand on her feet." Adams, who was foremost, performed this
+ceremony; and, the door being immediately opened, a plain kind of man
+appeared at it: Adams acquainted him "that they had a young woman with
+them who was so tired with her journey that he should be much obliged to
+him if he would suffer her to come in and rest herself." The man, who
+saw Fanny by the light of the candle which he held in his hand,
+perceiving her innocent and modest look, and having no apprehensions
+from the civil behaviour of Adams, presently answered, "That the young
+woman was very welcome to rest herself in his house, and so were her
+company." He then ushered them into a very decent room, where his wife
+was sitting at a table: she immediately rose up, and assisted them in
+setting forth chairs, and desired them to sit down; which they had no
+sooner done than the man of the house asked them if they would have
+anything to refresh themselves with? Adams thanked him, and answered he
+should be obliged to him for a cup of his ale, which was likewise chosen
+by Joseph and Fanny. Whilst he was gone to fill a very large jug with
+this liquor, his wife told Fanny she seemed greatly fatigued, and
+desired her to take something stronger than ale; but she refused with
+many thanks, saying it was true she was very much tired, but a little
+rest she hoped would restore her. As soon as the company were all
+seated, Mr Adams, who had filled himself with ale, and by public
+permission had lighted his pipe, turned to the master of the house,
+asking him, "If evil spirits did not use to walk in that neighbourhood?"
+To which receiving no answer, he began to inform him of the adventure
+which they met with on the downs; nor had he proceeded far in the story
+when somebody knocked very hard at the door. The company expressed some
+amazement, and Fanny and the good woman turned pale: her husband went
+forth, and whilst he was absent, which was some time, they all remained
+silent, looking at one another, and heard several voices discoursing
+pretty loudly. Adams was fully persuaded that spirits were abroad, and
+began to meditate some exorcisms; Joseph a little inclined to the same
+opinion; Fanny was more afraid of men; and the good woman herself began
+to suspect her guests, and imagined those without were rogues belonging
+to their gang. At length the master of the house returned, and,
+laughing, told Adams he had discovered his apparition; that the
+murderers were sheep-stealers, and the twelve persons murdered were no
+other than twelve sheep; adding, that the shepherds had got the better
+of them, had secured two, and were proceeding with them to a justice of
+peace. This account greatly relieved the fears of the whole company; but
+Adams muttered to himself, "He was convinced of the truth of apparitions
+for all that."
+
+They now sat chearfully round the fire, till the master of the house,
+having surveyed his guests, and conceiving that the cassock, which,
+having fallen down, appeared under Adams's greatcoat, and the shabby
+livery on Joseph Andrews, did not well suit with the familiarity
+between them, began to entertain some suspicions not much to their
+advantage: addressing himself therefore to Adams, he said, "He
+perceived he was a clergyman by his dress, and supposed that honest man
+was his footman." "Sir," answered Adams, "I am a clergyman at your
+service; but as to that young man, whom you have rightly termed honest,
+he is at present in nobody's service; he never lived in any other
+family than that of Lady Booby, from whence he was discharged, I assure
+you, for no crime." Joseph said, "He did not wonder the gentleman was
+surprized to see one of Mr Adams's character condescend to so much
+goodness with a poor man."--"Child," said Adams, "I should be ashamed
+of my cloth if I thought a poor man, who is honest, below my notice or
+my familiarity. I know not how those who think otherwise can profess
+themselves followers and servants of Him who made no distinction,
+unless, peradventure, by preferring the poor to the rich.--Sir," said
+he, addressing himself to the gentleman, "these two poor young people
+are my parishioners, and I look on them and love them as my children.
+There is something singular enough in their history, but I have not now
+time to recount it." The master of the house, notwithstanding the
+simplicity which discovered itself in Adams, knew too much of the world
+to give a hasty belief to professions. He was not yet quite certain
+that Adams had any more of the clergyman in him than his cassock. To
+try him therefore further, he asked him, "If Mr Pope had lately
+published anything new?" Adams answered, "He had heard great
+commendations of that poet, but that he had never read nor knew any of
+his works."--"Ho! ho!" says the gentleman to himself, "have I caught
+you? What!" said he, "have you never seen his Homer?" Adams answered,
+"he had never read any translation of the classicks." "Why, truly,"
+reply'd the gentleman, "there is a dignity in the Greek language which
+I think no modern tongue can reach."--"Do you understand Greek, sir?"
+said Adams hastily. "A little, sir," answered the gentleman. "Do you
+know, sir," cry'd Adams, "where I can buy an Aeschylus? an unlucky
+misfortune lately happened to mine." Aeschylus was beyond the
+gentleman, though he knew him very well by name; he therefore,
+returning back to Homer, asked Adams, "What part of the Iliad he
+thought most excellent?" Adams returned, "His question would be
+properer, What kind of beauty was the chief in poetry? for that Homer
+was equally excellent in them all. And, indeed," continued he, "what
+Cicero says of a complete orator may well be applied to a great poet:
+'He ought to comprehend all perfections.' Homer did this in the most
+excellent degree; it is not without reason, therefore, that the
+philosopher, in the twenty-second chapter of his Poeticks, mentions him
+by no other appellation than that of the Poet. He was the father of the
+drama as well as the epic; not of tragedy only, but of comedy also; for
+his Margites, which is deplorably lost, bore, says Aristotle, the same
+analogy to comedy as his Odyssey and Iliad to tragedy. To him,
+therefore, we owe Aristophanes as well as Euripides, Sophocles, and my
+poor Aeschylus. But if you please we will confine ourselves (at least
+for the present) to the Iliad, his noblest work; though neither
+Aristotle nor Horace give it the preference, as I remember, to the
+Odyssey. First, then, as to his subject, can anything be more simple,
+and at the same time more noble? He is rightly praised by the first of
+those judicious critics for not chusing the whole war, which, though he
+says it hath a complete beginning and end, would have been too great
+for the understanding to comprehend at one view. I have, therefore,
+often wondered why so correct a writer as Horace should, in his epistle
+to Lollius, call him the Trojani Belli Scriptorem. Secondly, his
+action, termed by Aristotle, Pragmaton Systasis; is it possible for the
+mind of man to conceive an idea of such perfect unity, and at the same
+time so replete with greatness? And here I must observe, what I do not
+remember to have seen noted by any, the Harmotton, that agreement of
+his action to his subject: for, as the subject is anger, how agreeable
+is his action, which is war; from which every incident arises and to
+which every episode immediately relates. Thirdly, his manners, which
+Aristotle places second in his description of the several parts of
+tragedy, and which he says are included in the action; I am at a loss
+whether I should rather admire the exactness of his judgment in the
+nice distinction or the immensity of his imagination in their variety.
+For, as to the former of these, how accurately is the sedate, injured
+resentment of Achilles, distinguished from the hot, insulting passion
+of Agamemnon! How widely doth the brutal courage of Ajax differ from
+the amiable bravery of Diomedes; and the wisdom of Nestor, which is the
+result of long reflection and experience, from the cunning of Ulysses,
+the effect of art and subtlety only! If we consider their variety, we
+may cry out, with Aristotle in his 24th chapter, that no part of this
+divine poem is destitute of manners. Indeed, I might affirm that there
+is scarce a character in human nature untouched in some part or other.
+And, as there is no passion which he is not able to describe, so is
+there none in his reader which he cannot raise. If he hath any superior
+excellence to the rest, I have been inclined to fancy it is in the
+pathetic. I am sure I never read with dry eyes the two episodes where
+Andromache is introduced in the former lamenting the danger, and in the
+latter the death, of Hector. The images are so extremely tender in
+these, that I am convinced the poet had the worthiest and best heart
+imaginable. Nor can I help observing how Sophocles falls short of the
+beauties of the original, in that imitation of the dissuasive speech of
+Andromache which he hath put into the mouth of Tecmessa. And yet
+Sophocles was the greatest genius who ever wrote tragedy; nor have any
+of his successors in that art, that is to say, neither Euripides nor
+Seneca the tragedian, been able to come near him. As to his sentiments
+and diction, I need say nothing; the former are particularly remarkable
+for the utmost perfection on that head, namely, propriety; and as to
+the latter, Aristotle, whom doubtless you have read over and over, is
+very diffuse. I shall mention but one thing more, which that great
+critic in his division of tragedy calls Opsis, or the scenery; and
+which is as proper to the epic as to the drama, with this difference,
+that in the former it falls to the share of the poet, and in the latter
+to that of the painter. But did ever painter imagine a scene like that
+in the 13th and 14th Iliads? where the reader sees at one view the
+prospect of Troy, with the army drawn up before it; the Grecian army,
+camp, and fleet; Jupiter sitting on Mount Ida, with his head wrapt in a
+cloud, and a thunderbolt in his hand, looking towards Thrace; Neptune
+driving through the sea, which divides on each side to permit his
+passage, and then seating himself on Mount Samos; the heavens opened,
+and the deities all seated on their thrones. This is sublime! This is
+poetry!" Adams then rapt out a hundred Greek verses, and with such a
+voice, emphasis, and action, that he almost frightened the women; and
+as for the gentleman, he was so far from entertaining any further
+suspicion of Adams, that he now doubted whether he had not a bishop in
+his house. He ran into the most extravagant encomiums on his learning;
+and the goodness of his heart began to dilate to all the strangers. He
+said he had great compassion for the poor young woman, who looked pale
+and faint with her journey; and in truth he conceived a much higher
+opinion of her quality than it deserved. He said he was sorry he could
+not accommodate them all; but if they were contented with his fireside,
+he would sit up with the men; and the young woman might, if she
+pleased, partake his wife's bed, which he advised her to; for that they
+must walk upwards of a mile to any house of entertainment, and that not
+very good neither. Adams, who liked his seat, his ale, his tobacco, and
+his company, persuaded Fanny to accept this kind proposal, in which
+sollicitation he was seconded by Joseph. Nor was she very difficultly
+prevailed on; for she had slept little the last night and not at all
+the preceding; so that love itself was scarce able to keep her eyes
+open any longer. The offer, therefore, being kindly accepted, the good
+woman produced everything eatable in her house on the table, and the
+guests, being heartily invited, as heartily regaled themselves,
+especially parson Adams. As to the other two, they were examples of the
+truth of that physical observation, that love, like other sweet things,
+is no whetter of the stomach.
+
+Supper was no sooner ended, than Fanny at her own request retired, and
+the good woman bore her company. The man of the house, Adams, and
+Joseph, who would modestly have withdrawn, had not the gentleman
+insisted on the contrary, drew round the fireside, where Adams (to use
+his own words) replenished his pipe, and the gentleman produced a bottle
+of excellent beer, being the best liquor in his house.
+
+The modest behaviour of Joseph, with the gracefulness of his person, the
+character which Adams gave of him, and the friendship he seemed to
+entertain for him, began to work on the gentleman's affections, and
+raised in him a curiosity to know the singularity which Adams had
+mentioned in his history. This curiosity Adams was no sooner informed of
+than, with Joseph's consent, he agreed to gratify it; and accordingly
+related all he knew, with as much tenderness as was possible for the
+character of Lady Booby; and concluded with the long, faithful, and
+mutual passion between him and Fanny, not concealing the meanness of her
+birth and education. These latter circumstances entirely cured a
+jealousy which had lately risen in the gentleman's mind, that Fanny was
+the daughter of some person of fashion, and that Joseph had run away
+with her, and Adams was concerned in the plot. He was now enamoured of
+his guests, drank their healths with great chearfulness, and returned
+many thanks to Adams, who had spent much breath, for he was a
+circumstantial teller of a story.
+
+Adams told him it was now in his power to return that favour; for his
+extraordinary goodness, as well as that fund of literature he was master
+of,[A] which he did not expect to find under such a roof, had raised in
+him more curiosity than he had ever known. "Therefore," said he, "if it
+be not too troublesome, sir, your history, if you please."
+
+[A] The author hath by some been represented to have made a blunder
+    here: for Adams had indeed shown some learning (say they), perhaps
+    all the author had; but the gentleman hath shown none, unless his
+    approbation of Mr Adams be such: but surely it would be preposterous
+    in him to call it so. I have, however, notwithstanding this
+    criticism, which I am told came from the mouth of a great orator in
+    a public coffee-house, left this blunder as it stood in the first
+    edition. I will not have the vanity to apply to anything in this
+    work the observation which M. Dacier makes in her preface to her
+    Aristophanes: _Je tiens pour une maxime constante, qu'une beaute
+    mediocre plait plus generalement qu'une beaute sans defaut._ Mr
+    Congreve hath made such another blunder in his Love for Love, where
+    Tattle tells Miss Prue, "She should admire him as much for the
+    beauty he commends in her as if he himself was possessed of it."
+
+The gentleman answered, he could not refuse him what he had so much
+right to insist on; and after some of the common apologies, which are
+the usual preface to a story, he thus began.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_In which the gentleman relates the history of his life._
+
+
+Sir, I am descended of a good family, and was born a gentleman. My
+education was liberal, and at a public school, in which I proceeded so
+far as to become master of the Latin, and to be tolerably versed in the
+Greek language. My father died when I was sixteen, and left me master of
+myself. He bequeathed me a moderate fortune, which he intended I should
+not receive till I attained the age of twenty-five: for he constantly
+asserted that was full early enough to give up any man entirely to the
+guidance of his own discretion. However, as this intention was so
+obscurely worded in his will that the lawyers advised me to contest the
+point with my trustees, I own I paid so little regard to the
+inclinations of my dead father, which were sufficiently certain to me,
+that I followed their advice, and soon succeeded, for the trustees did
+not contest the matter very obstinately on their side. "Sir," said
+Adams, "may I crave the favour of your name?" The gentleman answered his
+name was Wilson, and then proceeded.
+
+I stayed a very little while at school after his death; for, being a
+forward youth, I was extremely impatient to be in the world, for which I
+thought my parts, knowledge, and manhood thoroughly qualified me. And to
+this early introduction into life, without a guide, I impute all my
+future misfortunes; for, besides the obvious mischiefs which attend
+this, there is one which hath not been so generally observed: the first
+impression which mankind receives of you will be very difficult to
+eradicate. How unhappy, therefore, must it be to fix your character in
+life, before you can possibly know its value, or weigh the consequences
+of those actions which are to establish your future reputation!
+
+A little under seventeen I left my school, and went to London with no
+more than six pounds in my pocket; a great sum, as I then conceived; and
+which I was afterwards surprized to find so soon consumed.
+
+The character I was ambitious of attaining was that of a fine gentleman;
+the first requisites to which I apprehended were to be supplied by a
+taylor, a periwig-maker, and some few more tradesmen, who deal in
+furnishing out the human body. Notwithstanding the lowness of my purse,
+I found credit with them more easily than I expected, and was soon
+equipped to my wish. This I own then agreeably surprized me; but I have
+since learned that it is a maxim among many tradesmen at the polite end
+of the town to deal as largely as they can, reckon as high as they can,
+and arrest as soon as they can.
+
+The next qualifications, namely, dancing, fencing, riding the great
+horse, and music, came into my head: but, as they required expense and
+time, I comforted myself, with regard to dancing, that I had learned a
+little in my youth, and could walk a minuet genteelly enough; as to
+fencing, I thought my good-humour would preserve me from the danger of a
+quarrel; as to the horse, I hoped it would not be thought of; and for
+music, I imagined I could easily acquire the reputation of it; for I had
+heard some of my schoolfellows pretend to knowledge in operas, without
+being able to sing or play on the fiddle.
+
+Knowledge of the town seemed another ingredient; this I thought I should
+arrive at by frequenting public places. Accordingly I paid constant
+attendance to them all; by which means I was soon master of the
+fashionable phrases, learned to cry up the fashionable diversions, and
+knew the names and faces of the most fashionable men and women.
+
+Nothing now seemed to remain but an intrigue, which I was resolved to
+have immediately; I mean the reputation of it; and indeed I was so
+successful, that in a very short time I had half-a-dozen with the finest
+women in town.
+
+At these words Adams fetched a deep groan, and then, blessing himself,
+cried out, "Good Lord! what wicked times these are!"
+
+Not so wicked as you imagine, continued the gentleman; for I assure you
+they were all vestal virgins for anything which I knew to the contrary.
+The reputation of intriguing with them was all I sought, and was what I
+arrived at: and perhaps I only flattered myself even in that; for very
+probably the persons to whom I showed their billets knew as well as I
+that they were counterfeits, and that I had written them to myself.
+"Write letters to yourself!" said Adams, staring. O sir, answered the
+gentleman, it is the very error of the times. Half our modern plays have
+one of these characters in them. It is incredible the pains I have
+taken, and the absurd methods I employed, to traduce the character of
+women of distinction. When another had spoken in raptures of any one, I
+have answered, "D--n her, she! We shall have her at H----d's very soon."
+When he hath replied, "He thought her virtuous," I have answered, "Ay,
+thou wilt always think a woman virtuous, till she is in the streets; but
+you and I, Jack or Tom (turning to another in company), know better." At
+which I have drawn a paper out of my pocket, perhaps a taylor's bill,
+and kissed it, crying at the same time, "By Gad I was once fond of her."
+
+"Proceed, if you please, but do not swear any more," said Adams.
+
+Sir, said the gentleman, I ask your pardon. Well, sir, in this course of
+life I continued full three years.--"What course of life?" answered
+Adams; "I do not remember you have mentioned any."--Your remark is just,
+said the gentleman, smiling; I should rather have said, in this course
+of doing nothing. I remember some time afterwards I wrote the journal of
+one day, which would serve, I believe, as well for any other during the
+whole time. I will endeavour to repeat it to you.
+
+In the morning I arose, took my great stick, and walked out in my green
+frock, with my hair in papers (a groan from Adams), and sauntered about
+till ten. Went to the auction; told lady ---- she had a dirty face;
+laughed heartily at something captain ---- said, I can't remember what,
+for I did not very well hear it; whispered lord ----; bowed to the duke
+of ----; and was going to bid for a snuff-box, but did not, for fear I
+should have had it.
+
+    From  2 to 4, drest myself.  _A groan._
+          4 to 6, dined.         _A groan._
+          6 to 8, coffee-house.
+          8 to 9, Drury-lane playhouse.
+          9 to 10, Lincoln's Inn Fields.
+         10 to 12, Drawing-room. _A great groan._
+
+At all which places nothing happened worth remark.
+
+At which Adams said, with some vehemence, "Sir, this is below the life
+of an animal, hardly above vegetation: and I am surprized what could
+lead a man of your sense into it." What leads us into more follies than
+you imagine, doctor, answered the gentleman--vanity; for as contemptible
+a creature as I was, and I assure you, yourself cannot have more
+contempt for such a wretch than I now have, I then admired myself, and
+should have despised a person of your present appearance (you will
+pardon me), with all your learning and those excellent qualities which I
+have remarked in you. Adams bowed, and begged him to proceed. After I
+had continued two years in this course of life, said the gentleman, an
+accident happened which obliged me to change the scene. As I was one day
+at St James's coffee-house, making very free with the character of a
+young lady of quality, an officer of the guards, who was present,
+thought proper to give me the lye. I answered I might possibly be
+mistaken, but I intended to tell no more than the truth. To which he
+made no reply but by a scornful sneer. After this I observed a strange
+coldness in all my acquaintance; none of them spoke to me first, and
+very few returned me even the civility of a bow. The company I used to
+dine with left me out, and within a week I found myself in as much
+solitude at St James's as if I had been in a desart. An honest elderly
+man, with a great hat and long sword, at last told me he had a
+compassion for my youth, and therefore advised me to show the world I
+was not such a rascal as they thought me to be. I did not at first
+understand him; but he explained himself, and ended with telling me, if
+I would write a challenge to the captain, he would, out of pure charity,
+go to him with it. "A very charitable person, truly!" cried Adams. I
+desired till the next day, continued the gentleman, to consider on it,
+and, retiring to my lodgings, I weighed the consequences on both sides
+as fairly as I could. On the one, I saw the risk of this alternative,
+either losing my own life, or having on my hands the blood of a man with
+whom I was not in the least angry. I soon determined that the good which
+appeared on the other was not worth this hazard. I therefore resolved to
+quit the scene, and presently retired to the Temple, where I took
+chambers. Here I soon got a fresh set of acquaintance, who knew nothing
+of what had happened to me. Indeed, they were not greatly to my
+approbation; for the beaus of the Temple are only the shadows of the
+others. They are the affectation of affectation. The vanity of these is
+still more ridiculous, if possible, than of the others. Here I met with
+smart fellows who drank with lords they did not know, and intrigued with
+women they never saw. Covent Garden was now the farthest stretch of my
+ambition; where I shone forth in the balconies at the playhouses,
+visited whores, made love to orange-wenches, and damned plays. This
+career was soon put a stop to by my surgeon, who convinced me of the
+necessity of confining myself to my room for a month. At the end of
+which, having had leisure to reflect, I resolved to quit all farther
+conversation with beaus and smarts of every kind, and to avoid, if
+possible, any occasion of returning to this place of confinement. "I
+think," said Adams, "the advice of a month's retirement and reflection
+was very proper; but I should rather have expected it from a divine than
+a surgeon." The gentleman smiled at Adams's simplicity, and, without
+explaining himself farther on such an odious subject, went on thus: I
+was no sooner perfectly restored to health than I found my passion for
+women, which I was afraid to satisfy as I had done, made me very uneasy;
+I determined, therefore, to keep a mistress. Nor was I long before I
+fixed my choice on a young woman, who had before been kept by two
+gentlemen, and to whom I was recommended by a celebrated bawd. I took
+her home to my chambers, and made her a settlement during cohabitation.
+This would, perhaps, have been very ill paid: however, she did not
+suffer me to be perplexed on that account; for, before quarter-day, I
+found her at my chambers in too familiar conversation with a young
+fellow who was drest like an officer, but was indeed a city apprentice.
+Instead of excusing her inconstancy, she rapped out half-a-dozen oaths,
+and, snapping her fingers at me, swore she scorned to confine herself to
+the best man in England. Upon this we parted, and the same bawd
+presently provided her another keeper. I was not so much concerned at
+our separation as I found, within a day or two, I had reason to be for
+our meeting; for I was obliged to pay a second visit to my surgeon. I
+was now forced to do penance for some weeks, during which time I
+contracted an acquaintance with a beautiful young girl, the daughter of
+a gentleman who, after having been forty years in the army, and in all
+the campaigns under the Duke of Marlborough, died a lieutenant on
+half-pay, and had left a widow, with this only child, in very distrest
+circumstances: they had only a small pension from the government, with
+what little the daughter could add to it by her work, for she had great
+excellence at her needle. This girl was, at my first acquaintance with
+her, solicited in marriage by a young fellow in good circumstances. He
+was apprentice to a linendraper, and had a little fortune, sufficient to
+set up his trade. The mother was greatly pleased with this match, as
+indeed she had sufficient reason. However, I soon prevented it. I
+represented him in so low a light to his mistress, and made so good an
+use of flattery, promises, and presents, that, not to dwell longer on
+this subject than is necessary, I prevailed with the poor girl, and
+conveyed her away from her mother! In a word, I debauched her.--(At
+which words Adams started up, fetched three strides across the room, and
+then replaced himself in his chair.) You are not more affected with this
+part of my story than myself; I assure you it will never be sufficiently
+repented of in my own opinion: but, if you already detest it, how much
+more will your indignation be raised when you hear the fatal
+consequences of this barbarous, this villanous action! If you please,
+therefore, I will here desist.--"By no means," cries Adams; "go on, I
+beseech you; and Heaven grant you may sincerely repent of this and many
+other things you have related!"--I was now, continued the gentleman, as
+happy as the possession of a fine young creature, who had a good
+education, and was endued with many agreeable qualities, could make me.
+We lived some months with vast fondness together, without any company or
+conversation, more than we found in one another: but this could not
+continue always; and, though I still preserved great affection for her,
+I began more and more to want the relief of other company, and
+consequently to leave her by degrees--at last whole days to herself. She
+failed not to testify some uneasiness on these occasions, and complained
+of the melancholy life she led; to remedy which, I introduced her into
+the acquaintance of some other kept mistresses, with whom she used to
+play at cards, and frequent plays and other diversions. She had not
+lived long in this intimacy before I perceived a visible alteration in
+her behaviour; all her modesty and innocence vanished by degrees, till
+her mind became thoroughly tainted. She affected the company of rakes,
+gave herself all manner of airs, was never easy but abroad, or when she
+had a party at my chambers. She was rapacious of money, extravagant to
+excess, loose in her conversation; and, if ever I demurred to any of her
+demands, oaths, tears, and fits were the immediate consequences. As the
+first raptures of fondness were long since over, this behaviour soon
+estranged my affections from her; I began to reflect with pleasure that
+she was not my wife, and to conceive an intention of parting with her;
+of which, having given her a hint, she took care to prevent me the pains
+of turning her out of doors, and accordingly departed herself, having
+first broken open my escrutore, and taken with her all she could find,
+to the amount of about L200. In the first heat of my resentment I
+resolved to pursue her with all the vengeance of the law: but, as she
+had the good luck to escape me during that ferment, my passion
+afterwards cooled; and, having reflected that I had been the first
+aggressor, and had done her an injury for which I could make her no
+reparation, by robbing her of the innocence of her mind; and hearing at
+the same time that the poor old woman her mother had broke her heart on
+her daughter's elopement from her, I, concluding myself her murderer
+("As you very well might," cries Adams, with a groan), was pleased that
+God Almighty had taken this method of punishing me, and resolved quietly
+to submit to the loss. Indeed, I could wish I had never heard more of
+the poor creature, who became in the end an abandoned profligate; and,
+after being some years a common prostitute, at last ended her miserable
+life in Newgate.--Here the gentleman fetched a deep sigh, which Mr Adams
+echoed very loudly; and both continued silent, looking on each other for
+some minutes. At last the gentleman proceeded thus: I had been perfectly
+constant to this girl during the whole time I kept her: but she had
+scarce departed before I discovered more marks of her infidelity to me
+than the loss of my money. In short, I was forced to make a third visit
+to my surgeon, out of whose hands I did not get a hasty discharge.
+
+
+I now forswore all future dealings with the sex, complained loudly that
+the pleasure did not compensate the pain, and railed at the beautiful
+creatures in as gross language as Juvenal himself formerly reviled them
+in. I looked on all the town harlots with a detestation not easy to be
+conceived, their persons appeared to me as painted palaces, inhabited by
+Disease and Death: nor could their beauty make them more desirable
+objects in my eyes than gilding could make me covet a pill, or golden
+plates a coffin. But though I was no longer the absolute slave, I found
+some reasons to own myself still the subject, of love. My hatred for
+women decreased daily; and I am not positive but time might have
+betrayed me again to some common harlot, had I not been secured by a
+passion for the charming Sapphira, which, having once entered upon, made
+a violent progress in my heart. Sapphira was wife to a man of fashion
+and gallantry, and one who seemed, I own, every way worthy of her
+affections; which, however, he had not the reputation of having. She was
+indeed a coquette _achevee_. "Pray, sir," says Adams, "what is a
+coquette? I have met with the word in French authors, but never could
+assign any idea to it. I believe it is the same with _une sotte,_
+Anglice, a fool." Sir, answered the gentleman, perhaps you are not much
+mistaken; but, as it is a particular kind of folly, I will endeavour to
+describe it. Were all creatures to be ranked in the order of creation
+according to their usefulness, I know few animals that would not take
+place of a coquette; nor indeed hath this creature much pretence to
+anything beyond instinct; for, though sometimes we might imagine it was
+animated by the passion of vanity, yet far the greater part of its
+actions fall beneath even that low motive; for instance, several absurd
+gestures and tricks, infinitely more foolish than what can be observed
+in the most ridiculous birds and beasts, and which would persuade the
+beholder that the silly wretch was aiming at our contempt. Indeed its
+characteristic is affectation, and this led and governed by whim only:
+for as beauty, wisdom, wit, good-nature, politeness, and health are
+sometimes affected by this creature, so are ugliness, folly, nonsense,
+ill-nature, ill-breeding, and sickness likewise put on by it in their
+turn. Its life is one constant lie; and the only rule by which you can
+form any judgment of them is, that they are never what they seem. If it
+was possible for a coquette to love (as it is not, for if ever it
+attains this passion the coquette ceases instantly), it would wear the
+face of indifference, if not of hatred, to the beloved object; you may
+therefore be assured, when they endeavour to persuade you of their
+liking, that they are indifferent to you at least. And indeed this was
+the case of my Sapphira, who no sooner saw me in the number of her
+admirers than she gave me what is commonly called encouragement: she
+would often look at me, and, when she perceived me meet her eyes, would
+instantly take them off, discovering at the same time as much surprize
+and emotion as possible. These arts failed not of the success she
+intended; and, as I grew more particular to her than the rest of her
+admirers, she advanced, in proportion, more directly to me than to the
+others. She affected the low voice, whisper, lisp, sigh, start, laugh,
+and many other indications of passion which daily deceive thousands.
+When I played at whist with her, she would look earnestly at me, and at
+the same time lose deal or revoke; then burst into a ridiculous laugh
+and cry, "La! I can't imagine what I was thinking of." To detain you no
+longer, after I had gone through a sufficient course of gallantry, as I
+thought, and was thoroughly convinced I had raised a violent passion in
+my mistress, I sought an opportunity of coming to an eclaircissement
+with her. She avoided this as much as possible; however, great assiduity
+at length presented me one. I will not describe all the particulars of
+this interview; let it suffice that, when she could no longer pretend
+not to see my drift, she first affected a violent surprize, and
+immediately after as violent a passion: she wondered what I had seen in
+her conduct which could induce me to affront her in this manner; and,
+breaking from me the first moment she could, told me I had no other way
+to escape the consequence of her resentment than by never seeing, or at
+least speaking to her more. I was not contented with this answer; I
+still pursued her, but to no purpose; and was at length convinced that
+her husband had the sole possession of her person, and that neither he
+nor any other had made any impression on her heart. I was taken off from
+following this _ignis fatuus_ by some advances which were made me by the
+wife of a citizen, who, though neither very young nor handsome, was yet
+too agreeable to be rejected by my amorous constitution. I accordingly
+soon satisfied her that she had not cast away her hints on a barren or
+cold soil: on the contrary, they instantly produced her an eager and
+desiring lover. Nor did she give me any reason to complain; she met the
+warmth she had raised with equal ardour. I had no longer a coquette to
+deal with, but one who was wiser than to prostitute the noble passion of
+love to the ridiculous lust of vanity. We presently understood one
+another; and, as the pleasures we sought lay in a mutual gratification,
+we soon found and enjoyed them. I thought myself at first greatly happy
+in the possession of this new mistress, whose fondness would have
+quickly surfeited a more sickly appetite; but it had a different effect
+on mine: she carried my passion higher by it than youth or beauty had
+been able. But my happiness could not long continue uninterrupted. The
+apprehensions we lay under from the jealousy of her husband gave us
+great uneasiness. "Poor wretch! I pity him," cried Adams. He did indeed
+deserve it, said the gentleman; for he loved his wife with great
+tenderness; and, I assure you, it is a great satisfaction to me that I
+was not the man who first seduced her affections from him. These
+apprehensions appeared also too well grounded, for in the end he
+discovered us, and procured witnesses of our caresses. He then
+prosecuted me at law, and recovered L3000 damages, which much distressed
+my fortune to pay; and, what was worse, his wife, being divorced, came
+upon my hands. I led a very uneasy life with her; for, besides that my
+passion was now much abated, her excessive jealousy was very
+troublesome. At length death rid me of an inconvenience which the
+consideration of my having been the author of her misfortunes would
+never suffer me to take any other method of discarding.
+
+I now bad adieu to love, and resolved to pursue other less dangerous and
+expensive pleasures. I fell into the acquaintance of a set of jolly
+companions, who slept all day and drank all night; fellows who might
+rather be said to consume time than to live. Their best conversation was
+nothing but noise: singing, hollowing, wrangling, drinking, toasting,
+sp--wing, smoaking were the chief ingredients of our entertainment. And
+yet, bad as these were, they were more tolerable than our graver scenes,
+which were either excessive tedious narratives of dull common matters of
+fact, or hot disputes about trifling matters, which commonly ended in a
+wager. This way of life the first serious reflection put a period to;
+and I became member of a club frequented by young men of great
+abilities. The bottle was now only called in to the assistance of our
+conversation, which rolled on the deepest points of philosophy. These
+gentlemen were engaged in a search after truth, in the pursuit of which
+they threw aside all the prejudices of education, and governed
+themselves only by the infallible guide of human reason. This great
+guide, after having shown them the falsehood of that very ancient but
+simple tenet, that there is such a being as a Deity in the universe,
+helped them to establish in his stead a certain rule of right, by
+adhering to which they all arrived at the utmost purity of morals.
+Reflection made me as much delighted with this society as it had taught
+me to despise and detest the former. I began now to esteem myself a
+being of a higher order than I had ever before conceived; and was the
+more charmed with this rule of right, as I really found in my own nature
+nothing repugnant to it. I held in utter contempt all persons who wanted
+any other inducement to virtue besides her intrinsic beauty and
+excellence; and had so high an opinion of my present companions, with
+regard to their morality, that I would have trusted them with whatever
+was nearest and dearest to me. Whilst I was engaged in this delightful
+dream, two or three accidents happened successively, which at first much
+surprized me;--for one of our greatest philosophers, or rule-of-right
+men, withdrew himself from us, taking with him the wife of one of his
+most intimate friends. Secondly, another of the same society left the
+club without remembering to take leave of his bail. A third, having
+borrowed a sum of money of me, for which I received no security, when I
+asked him to repay it, absolutely denied the loan. These several
+practices, so inconsistent with our golden rule, made me begin to
+suspect its infallibility; but when I communicated my thoughts to one of
+the club, he said, "There was nothing absolutely good or evil in itself;
+that actions were denominated good or bad by the circumstances of the
+agent. That possibly the man who ran away with his neighbour's wife
+might be one of very good inclinations, but over-prevailed on by the
+violence of an unruly passion; and, in other particulars, might be a
+very worthy member of society; that if the beauty of any woman created
+in him an uneasiness, he had a right from nature to relieve
+himself;"--with many other things, which I then detested so much, that I
+took leave of the society that very evening and never returned to it
+again. Being now reduced to a state of solitude which I did not like, I
+became a great frequenter of the playhouses, which indeed was always my
+favourite diversion; and most evenings passed away two or three hours
+behind the scenes, where I met with several poets, with whom I made
+engagements at the taverns. Some of the players were likewise of our
+parties. At these meetings we were generally entertained by the poets
+with reading their performances, and by the players with repeating their
+parts: upon which occasions, I observed the gentleman who furnished our
+entertainment was commonly the best pleased of the company; who, though
+they were pretty civil to him to his face, seldom failed to take the
+first opportunity of his absence to ridicule him. Now I made some
+remarks which probably are too obvious to be worth relating. "Sir," says
+Adams, "your remarks if you please." First then, says he, I concluded
+that the general observation, that wits are most inclined to vanity, is
+not true. Men are equally vain of riches, strength, beauty, honours, &c.
+But these appear of themselves to the eyes of the beholders, whereas the
+poor wit is obliged to produce his performance to show you his
+perfection; and on his readiness to do this that vulgar opinion I have
+before mentioned is grounded; but doth not the person who expends vast
+sums in the furniture of his house or the ornaments of his person, who
+consumes much time and employs great pains in dressing himself, or who
+thinks himself paid for self-denial, labour, or even villany, by a title
+or a ribbon, sacrifice as much to vanity as the poor wit who is desirous
+to read you his poem or his play? My second remark was, that vanity is
+the worst of passions, and more apt to contaminate the mind than any
+other: for, as selfishness is much more general than we please to allow
+it, so it is natural to hate and envy those who stand between us and the
+good we desire. Now, in lust and ambition these are few; and even in
+avarice we find many who are no obstacles to our pursuits; but the vain
+man seeks pre-eminence; and everything which is excellent or
+praiseworthy in another renders him the mark of his antipathy. Adams now
+began to fumble in his pockets, and soon cried out, "O la! I have it not
+about me." Upon this, the gentleman asking him what he was searching
+for, he said he searched after a sermon, which he thought his
+masterpiece, against vanity. "Fie upon it, fie upon it!" cries he, "why
+do I ever leave that sermon out of my pocket? I wish it was within five
+miles; I would willingly fetch it, to read it you." The gentleman
+answered that there was no need, for he was cured of the passion. "And
+for that very reason," quoth Adams, "I would read it, for I am confident
+you would admire it: indeed, I have never been a greater enemy to any
+passion than that silly one of vanity." The gentleman smiled, and
+proceeded--From this society I easily passed to that of the gamesters,
+where nothing remarkable happened but the finishing my fortune, which
+those gentlemen soon helped me to the end of. This opened scenes of life
+hitherto unknown; poverty and distress, with their horrid train of duns,
+attorneys, bailiffs, haunted me day and night. My clothes grew shabby,
+my credit bad, my friends and acquaintance of all kinds cold. In this
+situation the strangest thought imaginable came into my head; and what
+was this but to write a play? for I had sufficient leisure: fear of
+bailiffs confined me every day to my room: and, having always had a
+little inclination and something of a genius that way, I set myself to
+work, and within a few months produced a piece of five acts, which was
+accepted of at the theatre. I remembered to have formerly taken tickets
+of other poets for their benefits, long before the appearance of their
+performances; and, resolving to follow a precedent which was so well
+suited to my present circumstances, I immediately provided myself with a
+large number of little papers. Happy indeed would be the state of
+poetry, would these tickets pass current at the bakehouse, the
+ale-house, and the chandler's shop: but alas! far otherwise; no taylor
+will take them in payment for buckram, canvas, stay-tape; nor no bailiff
+for civility money. They are, indeed, no more than a passport to beg
+with; a certificate that the owner wants five shillings, which induces
+well-disposed Christians to charity. I now experienced what is worse
+than poverty, or rather what is the worst consequence of poverty--I mean
+attendance and dependance on the great. Many a morning have I waited
+hours in the cold parlours of men of quality; where, after seeing the
+lowest rascals in lace and embroidery, the pimps and buffoons in
+fashion, admitted, I have been sometimes told, on sending in my name,
+that my lord could not possibly see me this morning; a sufficient
+assurance that I should never more get entrance into that house.
+Sometimes I have been at last admitted; and the great man hath thought
+proper to excuse himself, by telling me he was tied up. "Tied up," says
+Adams, "pray what's that?" Sir, says the gentleman, the profit which
+booksellers allowed authors for the best works was so very small, that
+certain men of birth and fortune some years ago, who were the patrons of
+wit and learning, thought fit to encourage them farther by entering into
+voluntary subscriptions for their encouragement. Thus Prior, Rowe, Pope,
+and some other men of genius, received large sums for their labours from
+the public. This seemed so easy a method of getting money, that many of
+the lowest scribblers of the times ventured to publish their works in
+the same way; and many had the assurance to take in subscriptions for
+what was not writ, nor ever intended. Subscriptions in this manner
+growing infinite, and a kind of tax on the publick, some persons,
+finding it not so easy a task to discern good from bad authors, or to
+know what genius was worthy encouragement and what was not, to prevent
+the expense of subscribing to so many, invented a method to excuse
+themselves from all subscriptions whatever; and this was to receive a
+small sum of money in consideration of giving a large one if ever they
+subscribed; which many have done, and many more have pretended to have
+done, in order to silence all solicitation. The same method was likewise
+taken with playhouse tickets, which were no less a public grievance; and
+this is what they call being tied up from subscribing. "I can't say but
+the term is apt enough, and somewhat typical," said Adams; "for a man of
+large fortune, who ties himself up, as you call it, from the
+encouragement of men of merit, ought to be tied up in reality." Well,
+sir, says the gentleman, to return to my story. Sometimes I have
+received a guinea from a man of quality, given with as ill a grace as
+alms are generally to the meanest beggar; and purchased too with as much
+time spent in attendance as, if it had been spent in honest industry,
+might have brought me more profit with infinitely more satisfaction.
+After about two months spent in this disagreeable way, with the utmost
+mortification, when I was pluming my hopes on the prospect of a
+plentiful harvest from my play, upon applying to the prompter to know
+when it came into rehearsal, he informed me he had received orders from
+the managers to return me the play again, for that they could not
+possibly act it that season; but, if I would take it and revise it
+against the next, they would be glad to see it again. I snatched it from
+him with great indignation, and retired to my room, where I threw myself
+on the bed in a fit of despair. "You should rather have thrown yourself
+on your knees," says Adams, "for despair is sinful." As soon, continued
+the gentleman, as I had indulged the first tumult of my passion, I began
+to consider coolly what course I should take, in a situation without
+friends, money, credit, or reputation of any kind. After revolving many
+things in my mind, I could see no other possibility of furnishing myself
+with the miserable necessaries of life than to retire to a garret near
+the Temple, and commence hackney-writer to the lawyers, for which I was
+well qualified, being an excellent penman. This purpose I resolved on,
+and immediately put it in execution. I had an acquaintance with an
+attorney who had formerly transacted affairs for me, and to him I
+applied; but, instead of furnishing me with any business, he laughed at
+my undertaking, and told me, "He was afraid I should turn his deeds into
+plays, and he should expect to see them on the stage." Not to tire you
+with instances of this kind from others, I found that Plato himself did
+not hold poets in greater abhorrence than these men of business do.
+Whenever I durst venture to a coffeehouse, which was on Sundays only, a
+whisper ran round the room, which was constantly attended with a
+sneer--That's poet Wilson; for I know not whether you have observed it,
+but there is a malignity in the nature of man, which, when not weeded
+out, or at least covered by a good education and politeness, delights in
+making another uneasy or dissatisfied with himself. This abundantly
+appears in all assemblies, except those which are filled by people of
+fashion, and especially among the younger people of both sexes whose
+birth and fortunes place them just without the polite circles; I mean
+the lower class of the gentry, and the higher of the mercantile world,
+who are, in reality, the worst-bred part of mankind. Well, sir, whilst I
+continued in this miserable state, with scarce sufficient business to
+keep me from starving, the reputation of a poet being my bane, I
+accidentally became acquainted with a bookseller, who told me, "It was a
+pity a man of my learning and genius should be obliged to such a method
+of getting his livelihood; that he had a compassion for me, and, if I
+would engage with him, he would undertake to provide handsomely for me."
+A man in my circumstances, as he very well knew, had no choice. I
+accordingly accepted his proposal with his conditions, which were none
+of the most favourable, and fell to translating with all my might. I had
+no longer reason to lament the want of business; for he furnished me
+with so much, that in half a year I almost writ myself blind. I likewise
+contracted a distemper by my sedentary life, in which no part of my body
+was exercised but my right arm, which rendered me incapable of writing
+for a long time. This unluckily happening to delay the publication of a
+work, and my last performance not having sold well, the bookseller
+declined any further engagement, and aspersed me to his brethren as a
+careless idle fellow. I had, however, by having half worked and half
+starved myself to death during the time I was in his service, saved a
+few guineas, with which I bought a lottery-ticket, resolving to throw
+myself into Fortune's lap, and try if she would make me amends for the
+injuries she had done me at the gaming-table. This purchase, being made,
+left me almost pennyless; when, as if I had not been sufficiently
+miserable, a bailiff in woman's clothes got admittance to my chamber,
+whither he was directed by the bookseller. He arrested me at my taylor's
+suit for thirty-five pounds; a sum for which I could not procure bail;
+and was therefore conveyed to his house, where I was locked up in an
+upper chamber. I had now neither health (for I was scarce recovered from
+my indisposition), liberty, money, or friends; and had abandoned all
+hopes, and even the desire, of life. "But this could not last long,"
+said Adams; "for doubtless the taylor released you the moment he was
+truly acquainted with your affairs, and knew that your circumstances
+would not permit you to pay him." "Oh, sir," answered the gentleman, "he
+knew that before he arrested me; nay, he knew that nothing but
+incapacity could prevent me paying my debts; for I had been his customer
+many years, had spent vast sums of money with him, and had always paid
+most punctually in my prosperous days; but when I reminded him of this,
+with assurances that, if he would not molest my endeavours, I would pay
+him all the money I could by my utmost labour and industry procure,
+reserving only what was sufficient to preserve me alive, he answered,
+his patience was worn out; that I had put him off from time to time;
+that he wanted the money; that he had put it into a lawyer's hands; and
+if I did not pay him immediately, or find security, I must die in gaol
+and expect no mercy." "He may expect mercy," cries Adams, starting from
+his chair, "where he will find none! How can such a wretch repeat the
+Lord's Prayer; where the word, which is translated, I know not for what
+reason, trespasses, is in the original, debts? And as surely as we do
+not forgive others their debts, when they are unable to pay them, so
+surely shall we ourselves be unforgiven when we are in no condition of
+paying." He ceased, and the gentleman proceeded. While I was in this
+deplorable situation, a former acquaintance, to whom I had communicated
+my lottery-ticket, found me out, and, making me a visit, with great
+delight in his countenance, shook me heartily by the hand, and wished me
+joy of my good fortune: for, says he, your ticket is come up a prize of
+L3000. Adams snapped his fingers at these words in an ecstasy of joy;
+which, however, did not continue long; for the gentleman thus
+proceeded:--Alas! sir, this was only a trick of Fortune to sink me the
+deeper; for I had disposed of this lottery-ticket two days before to a
+relation, who refused lending me a shilling without it, in order to
+procure myself bread. As soon as my friend was acquainted with my
+unfortunate sale he began to revile me and remind me of all the
+ill-conduct and miscarriages of my life. He said I was one whom Fortune
+could not save if she would; that I was now ruined without any hopes of
+retrieval, nor must expect any pity from my friends; that it would be
+extreme weakness to compassionate the misfortunes of a man who ran
+headlong to his own destruction. He then painted to me, in as lively
+colours as he was able, the happiness I should have now enjoyed, had I
+not foolishly disposed of my ticket. I urged the plea of necessity; but
+he made no answer to that, and began again to revile me, till I could
+bear it no longer, and desired him to finish his visit. I soon exchanged
+the bailiff's house for a prison; where, as I had not money sufficient
+to procure me a separate apartment, I was crouded in with a great number
+of miserable wretches, in common with whom I was destitute of every
+convenience of life, even that which all the brutes enjoy, wholesome
+air. In these dreadful circumstances I applied by letter to several of
+my old acquaintance, and such to whom I had formerly lent money without
+any great prospect of its being returned, for their assistance; but in
+vain. An excuse, instead of a denial, was the gentlest answer I
+received. Whilst I languished in a condition too horrible to be
+described, and which, in a land of humanity, and, what is much more,
+Christianity, seems a strange punishment for a little inadvertency and
+indiscretion; whilst I was in this condition, a fellow came into the
+prison, and, enquiring me out, delivered me the following letter:--
+
+    "SIR,--My father, to whom you sold your ticket in the last
+    lottery, died the same day in which it came up a prize, as you
+    have possibly heard, and left me sole heiress of all his
+    fortune. I am so much touched with your present circumstances,
+    and the uneasiness you must feel at having been driven to
+    dispose of what might have made you happy, that I must desire
+    your acceptance of the enclosed, and am your humble servant,
+
+    "HARRIET HEARTY."
+
+And what do you think was enclosed? "I don't know," cried Adams; "not
+less than a guinea, I hope." Sir, it was a bank-note for L200.--"L200?"
+says Adams, in a rapture. No less, I assure you, answered the gentleman;
+a sum I was not half so delighted with as with the dear name of the
+generous girl that sent it me; and who was not only the best but the
+handsomest creature in the universe, and for whom I had long had a
+passion which I never durst disclose to her. I kissed her name a
+thousand times, my eyes overflowing with tenderness and gratitude; I
+repeated--But not to detain you with these raptures, I immediately
+acquired my liberty; and, having paid all my debts, departed, with
+upwards of fifty pounds in my pocket, to thank my kind deliverer. She
+happened to be then out of town, a circumstance which, upon reflection,
+pleased me; for by that means I had an opportunity to appear before her
+in a more decent dress. At her return to town, within a day or two, I
+threw myself at her feet with the most ardent acknowledgments, which she
+rejected with an unfeigned greatness of mind, and told me I could not
+oblige her more than by never mentioning, or if possible thinking on, a
+circumstance which must bring to my mind an accident that might be
+grievous to me to think on. She proceeded thus: "What I have done is in
+my own eyes a trifle, and perhaps infinitely less than would have become
+me to do. And if you think of engaging in any business where a larger
+sum may be serviceable to you, I shall not be over-rigid either as to
+the security or interest." I endeavoured to express all the gratitude in
+my power to this profusion of goodness, though perhaps it was my enemy,
+and began to afflict my mind with more agonies than all the miseries I
+had underwent; it affected me with severer reflections than poverty,
+distress, and prisons united had been able to make me feel; for, sir,
+these acts and professions of kindness, which were sufficient to have
+raised in a good heart the most violent passion of friendship to one of
+the same, or to age and ugliness in a different sex, came to me from a
+woman, a young and beautiful woman; one whose perfections I had long
+known, and for whom I had long conceived a violent passion, though with
+a despair which made me endeavour rather to curb and conceal, than to
+nourish or acquaint her with it. In short, they came upon me united with
+beauty, softness, and tenderness: such bewitching smiles!--O Mr Adams,
+in that moment I lost myself, and, forgetting our different situations,
+nor considering what return I was making to her goodness by desiring
+her, who had given me so much, to bestow her all, I laid gently hold on
+her hand, and, conveying it to my lips, I prest it with inconceivable
+ardour; then, lifting up my swimming eyes, I saw her face and neck
+overspread with one blush; she offered to withdraw her hand, yet not so
+as to deliver it from mine, though I held it with the gentlest force. We
+both stood trembling; her eyes cast on the ground, and mine stedfastly
+fixed on her. Good G--d, what was then the condition of my soul! burning
+with love, desire, admiration, gratitude, and every tender passion, all
+bent on one charming object. Passion at last got the better of both
+reason and respect, and, softly letting go her hand, I offered madly to
+clasp her in my arms; when, a little recovering herself, she started
+from me, asking me, with some show of anger, "If she had any reason to
+expect this treatment from me." I then fell prostrate before her, and
+told her, if I had offended, my life was absolutely in her power, which
+I would in any manner lose for her sake. Nay, madam, said I, you shall
+not be so ready to punish me as I to suffer. I own my guilt. I detest
+the reflection that I would have sacrificed your happiness to mine.
+Believe me, I sincerely repent my ingratitude; yet, believe me too, it
+was my passion, my unbounded passion for you, which hurried me so far: I
+have loved you long and tenderly, and the goodness you have shown me
+hath innocently weighed down a wretch undone before. Acquit me of all
+mean, mercenary views; and, before I take my leave of you for ever,
+which I am resolved instantly to do, believe me that Fortune could have
+raised me to no height to which I could not have gladly lifted you. O,
+curst be Fortune!--"Do not," says she, interrupting me with the sweetest
+voice, "do not curse Fortune, since she hath made me happy; and, if she
+hath put your happiness in my power, I have told you you shall ask
+nothing in reason which I will refuse." Madam, said I, you mistake me if
+you imagine, as you seem, my happiness is in the power of Fortune now.
+You have obliged me too much already; if I have any wish, it is for some
+blest accident, by which I may contribute with my life to the least
+augmentation of your felicity. As for myself, the only happiness I can
+ever have will be hearing of yours; and if Fortune will make that
+complete, I will forgive her all her wrongs to me. "You may, indeed,"
+answered she, smiling, "for your own happiness must be included in mine.
+I have long known your worth; nay, I must confess," said she, blushing,
+"I have long discovered that passion for me you profess, notwithstanding
+those endeavours, which I am convinced were unaffected, to conceal it;
+and if all I can give with reason will not suffice, take reason away;
+and now I believe you cannot ask me what I will deny."--She uttered
+these words with a sweetness not to be imagined. I immediately started;
+my blood, which lay freezing at my heart, rushed tumultuously through
+every vein. I stood for a moment silent; then, flying to her, I caught
+her in my arms, no longer resisting, and softly told her she must give
+me then herself. O, sir! can I describe her look? She remained silent,
+and almost motionless, several minutes. At last, recovering herself a
+little, she insisted on my leaving her, and in such a manner that I
+instantly obeyed: you may imagine, however, I soon saw her again.--But I
+ask pardon: I fear I have detained you too long in relating the
+particulars of the former interview. "So far otherwise," said Adams,
+licking his lips, "that I could willingly hear it over again." Well,
+sir, continued the gentleman, to be as concise as possible, within a
+week she consented to make me the happiest of mankind. We were married
+shortly after; and when I came to examine the circumstances of my wife's
+fortune (which, I do assure you, I was not presently at leisure enough
+to do), I found it amounted to about six thousand pounds, most part of
+which lay in effects; for her father had been a wine-merchant, and she
+seemed willing, if I liked it, that I should carry on the same trade. I
+readily, and too inconsiderately, undertook it; for, not having been
+bred up to the secrets of the business, and endeavouring to deal with
+the utmost honesty and uprightness, I soon found our fortune in a
+declining way, and my trade decreasing by little and little; for my
+wines, which I never adulterated after their importation, and were sold
+as neat as they came over, were universally decried by the vintners, to
+whom I could not allow them quite as cheap as those who gained double
+the profit by a less price. I soon began to despair of improving our
+fortune by these means; nor was I at all easy at the visits and
+familiarity of many who had been my acquaintance in my prosperity, but
+had denied and shunned me in my adversity, and now very forwardly
+renewed their acquaintance with me. In short, I had sufficiently seen
+that the pleasures of the world are chiefly folly, and the business of
+it mostly knavery, and both nothing better than vanity; the men of
+pleasure tearing one another to pieces from the emulation of spending
+money, and the men of business from envy in getting it. My happiness
+consisted entirely in my wife, whom I loved with an inexpressible
+fondness, which was perfectly returned; and my prospects were no other
+than to provide for our growing family; for she was now big of her
+second child: I therefore took an opportunity to ask her opinion of
+entering into a retired life, which, after hearing my reasons and
+perceiving my affection for it, she readily embraced. We soon put our
+small fortune, now reduced under three thousand pounds, into money, with
+part of which we purchased this little place, whither we retired soon
+after her delivery, from a world full of bustle, noise, hatred, envy,
+and ingratitude, to ease, quiet, and love. We have here lived almost
+twenty years, with little other conversation than our own, most of the
+neighbourhood taking us for very strange people; the squire of the
+parish representing me as a madman, and the parson as a presbyterian,
+because I will not hunt with the one nor drink with the other. "Sir,"
+says Adams, "Fortune hath, I think, paid you all her debts in this sweet
+retirement." Sir, replied the gentleman, I am thankful to the great
+Author of all things for the blessings I here enjoy. I have the best of
+wives, and three pretty children, for whom I have the true tenderness of
+a parent. But no blessings are pure in this world: within three years of
+my arrival here I lost my eldest son. (Here he sighed bitterly.) "Sir,"
+says Adams, "we must submit to Providence, and consider death as common
+to all." We must submit, indeed, answered the gentleman; and if he had
+died I could have borne the loss with patience; but alas! sir, he was
+stolen away from my door by some wicked travelling people whom they call
+gipsies; nor could I ever, with the most diligent search, recover him.
+Poor child! he had the sweetest look--the exact picture of his mother;
+at which some tears unwittingly dropt from his eyes, as did likewise
+from those of Adams, who always sympathized with his friends on those
+occasions. Thus, sir, said the gentleman, I have finished my story, in
+which if I have been too particular, I ask your pardon; and now, if you
+please, I will fetch you another bottle: which proposal the parson
+thankfully accepted.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical adventure of
+the dog, and other grave matters._
+
+
+The gentleman returned with the bottle; and Adams and he sat some time
+silent, when the former started up, and cried, "No, that won't do." The
+gentleman inquired into his meaning; he answered, "He had been
+considering that it was possible the late famous king Theodore might
+have been that very son whom he had lost;" but added, "that his age
+could not answer that imagination. However," says he, "G-- disposes all
+things for the best; and very probably he may be some great man, or
+duke, and may, one day or other, revisit you in that capacity." The
+gentleman answered, he should know him amongst ten thousand, for he had
+a mark on his left breast of a strawberry, which his mother had given
+him by longing for that fruit.
+
+That beautiful young lady the Morning now rose from her bed, and with a
+countenance blooming with fresh youth and sprightliness, like Miss
+----[A], with soft dews hanging on her pouting lips, began to take her
+early walk over the eastern hills; and presently after, that gallant
+person the Sun stole softly from his wife's chamber to pay his addresses
+to her; when the gentleman asked his guest if he would walk forth and
+survey his little garden, which he readily agreed to, and Joseph at the
+same time awaking from a sleep in which he had been two hours buried,
+went with them. No parterres, no fountains, no statues, embellished this
+little garden. Its only ornament was a short walk, shaded on each side
+by a filbert-hedge, with a small alcove at one end, whither in hot
+weather the gentleman and his wife used to retire and divert themselves
+with their children, who played in the walk before them. But, though
+vanity had no votary in this little spot, here was variety of fruit and
+everything useful for the kitchen, which was abundantly sufficient to
+catch the admiration of Adams, who told the gentleman he had certainly a
+good gardener. Sir, answered he, that gardener is now before you:
+whatever you see here is the work solely of my own hands. Whilst I am
+providing necessaries for my table, I likewise procure myself an
+appetite for them. In fair seasons I seldom pass less than six hours of
+the twenty-four in this place, where I am not idle; and by these means I
+have been able to preserve my health ever since my arrival here, without
+assistance from physic. Hither I generally repair at the dawn, and
+exercise myself whilst my wife dresses her children and prepares our
+breakfast; after which we are seldom asunder during the residue of the
+day, for, when the weather will not permit them to accompany me here, I
+am usually within with them; for I am neither ashamed of conversing with
+my wife nor of playing with my children: to say the truth, I do not
+perceive that inferiority of understanding which the levity of rakes,
+the dulness of men of business, or the austerity of the learned, would
+persuade us of in women. As for my woman, I declare I have found none of
+my own sex capable of making juster observations on life, or of
+delivering them more agreeably; nor do I believe any one possessed of a
+faithfuller or braver friend. And sure as this friendship is sweetened
+with more delicacy and tenderness, so is it confirmed by dearer pledges
+than can attend the closest male alliance; for what union can be so fast
+as our common interest in the fruits of our embraces? Perhaps, sir, you
+are not yourself a father; if you are not, be assured you cannot
+conceive the delight I have in my little ones. Would you not despise me
+if you saw me stretched on the ground, and my children playing round me?
+"I should reverence the sight," quoth Adams; "I myself am now the father
+of six, and have been of eleven, and I can say I never scourged a child
+of my own, unless as his schoolmaster, and then have felt every stroke
+on my own posteriors. And as to what you say concerning women, I have
+often lamented my own wife did not understand Greek."--The gentleman
+smiled, and answered, he would not be apprehended to insinuate that his
+own had an understanding above the care of her family; on the contrary,
+says he, my Harriet, I assure you, is a notable housewife, and few
+gentlemen's housekeepers understand cookery or confectionery better; but
+these are arts which she hath no great occasion for now: however, the
+wine you commended so much last night at supper was of her own making,
+as is indeed all the liquor in my house, except my beer, which falls to
+my province. "And I assure you it is as excellent," quoth Adams, "as
+ever I tasted." We formerly kept a maid-servant, but since my girls have
+been growing up she is unwilling to indulge them in idleness; for as the
+fortunes I shall give them will be very small, we intend not to breed
+them above the rank they are likely to fill hereafter, nor to teach them
+to despise or ruin a plain husband. Indeed, I could wish a man of my own
+temper, and a retired life, might fall to their lot; for I have
+experienced that calm serene happiness, which is seated in content, is
+inconsistent with the hurry and bustle of the world. He was proceeding
+thus when the little things, being just risen, ran eagerly towards him
+and asked him blessing. They were shy to the strangers, but the eldest
+acquainted her father, that her mother and the young gentlewoman were
+up, and that breakfast was ready. They all went in, where the gentleman
+was surprized at the beauty of Fanny, who had now recovered herself from
+her fatigue, and was entirely clean drest; for the rogues who had taken
+away her purse had left her her bundle. But if he was so much amazed at
+the beauty of this young creature, his guests were no less charmed at
+the tenderness which appeared in the behaviour of the husband and wife
+to each other, and to their children, and at the dutiful and
+affectionate behaviour of these to their parents. These instances
+pleased the well-disposed mind of Adams equally with the readiness which
+they exprest to oblige their guests, and their forwardness to offer them
+the best of everything in their house; and what delighted him still more
+was an instance or two of their charity; for whilst they were at
+breakfast the good woman was called for to assist her sick neighbour,
+which she did with some cordials made for the public use, and the good
+man went into his garden at the same time to supply another with
+something which he wanted thence, for they had nothing which those who
+wanted it were not welcome to. These good people were in the utmost
+cheerfulness, when they heard the report of a gun, and immediately
+afterwards a little dog, the favourite of the eldest daughter, came
+limping in all bloody and laid himself at his mistress's feet: the poor
+girl, who was about eleven years old, burst into tears at the sight; and
+presently one of the neighbours came in and informed them that the young
+squire, the son of the lord of the manor, had shot him as he past by,
+swearing at the same time he would prosecute the master of him for
+keeping a spaniel, for that he had given notice he would not suffer one
+in the parish. The dog, whom his mistress had taken into her lap, died
+in a few minutes, licking her hand. She exprest great agony at his loss,
+and the other children began to cry for their sister's misfortune; nor
+could Fanny herself refrain. Whilst the father and mother attempted to
+comfort her, Adams grasped his crabstick and would have sallied out
+after the squire had not Joseph withheld him. He could not however
+bridle his tongue--he pronounced the word rascal with great emphasis;
+said he deserved to be hanged more than a highwayman, and wished he had
+the scourging him. The mother took her child, lamenting and carrying the
+dead favourite in her arms, out of the room, when the gentleman said
+this was the second time this squire had endeavoured to kill the little
+wretch, and had wounded him smartly once before; adding, he could have
+no motive but ill-nature, for the little thing, which was not near as
+big as one's fist, had never been twenty yards from the house in the six
+years his daughter had had it. He said he had done nothing to deserve
+this usage, but his father had too great a fortune to contend with: that
+he was as absolute as any tyrant in the universe, and had killed all the
+dogs and taken away all the guns in the neighbourhood; and not only
+that, but he trampled down hedges and rode over corn and gardens, with
+no more regard than if they were the highway. "I wish I could catch him
+in my garden," said Adams, "though I would rather forgive him riding
+through my house than such an ill-natured act as this."
+
+The cheerfulness of their conversation being interrupted by this
+accident, in which the guests could be of no service to their kind
+entertainer; and as the mother was taken up in administering consolation
+to the poor girl, whose disposition was too good hastily to forget the
+sudden loss of her little favourite, which had been fondling with her
+a few minutes before; and as Joseph and Fanny were impatient to get home
+and begin those previous ceremonies to their happiness which Adams had
+insisted on, they now offered to take their leave. The gentleman
+importuned them much to stay dinner; but when he found their eagerness
+to depart he summoned his wife; and accordingly, having performed all
+the usual ceremonies of bows and curtsies more pleasant to be seen than
+to be related, they took their leave, the gentleman and his wife
+heartily wishing them a good journey, and they as heartily thanking them
+for their kind entertainment. They then departed, Adams declaring that
+this was the manner in which the people had lived in the golden age.
+
+[A] Whoever the reader pleases.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham Adams and
+Joseph; and a discovery not unwelcome to them both._
+
+
+Our travellers, having well refreshed themselves at the gentleman's
+house, Joseph and Fanny with sleep, and Mr Abraham Adams with ale and
+tobacco, renewed their journey with great alacrity; and pursuing the
+road into which they were directed, travelled many miles before they
+met with any adventure worth relating. In this interval we shall
+present our readers with a very curious discourse, as we apprehend it,
+concerning public schools, which passed between Mr Joseph Andrews and
+Mr Abraham Adams.
+
+They had not gone far before Adams, calling to Joseph, asked him, "If
+he had attended to the gentleman's story?" He answered, "To all the
+former part."--"And don't you think," says he, "he was a very unhappy
+man in his youth?"--"A very unhappy man, indeed," answered the other.
+"Joseph," cries Adams, screwing up his mouth, "I have found it; I have
+discovered the cause of all the misfortunes which befel him: a public
+school, Joseph, was the cause of all the calamities which he
+afterwards suffered. Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and
+immorality. All the wicked fellows whom I remember at the university
+were bred at them.--Ah, Lord! I can remember as well as if it was but
+yesterday, a knot of them; they called them King's scholars, I forget
+why--very wicked fellows! Joseph, you may thank the Lord you were not
+bred at a public school; you would never have preserved your virtue as
+you have. The first care I always take is of a boy's morals; I had
+rather he should be a blockhead than an atheist or a presbyterian.
+What is all the learning in the world compared to his immortal soul?
+What shall a man take in exchange for his soul? But the masters of
+great schools trouble themselves about no such thing. I have known a
+lad of eighteen at the university, who hath not been able to say his
+catechism; but for my own part, I always scourged a lad sooner for
+missing that than any other lesson. Believe me, child, all that
+gentleman's misfortunes arose from his being educated at a public
+school."
+
+"It doth not become me," answered Joseph, "to dispute anything, sir,
+with you, especially a matter of this kind; for to be sure you must be
+allowed by all the world to be the best teacher of a school in all our
+county." "Yes, that," says Adams, "I believe, is granted me; that I may
+without much vanity pretend to--nay, I believe I may go to the next
+county too--but _gloriari non est meum_."--"However, sir, as you are
+pleased to bid me speak," says Joseph, "you know my late master, Sir
+Thomas Booby, was bred at a public school, and he was the finest
+gentleman in all the neighbourhood. And I have often heard him say, if
+he had a hundred boys he would breed them all at the same place. It was
+his opinion, and I have often heard him deliver it, that a boy taken
+from a public school and carried into the world, will learn more in one
+year there than one of a private education will in five. He used to say
+the school itself initiated him a great way (I remember that was his
+very expression), for great schools are little societies, where a boy
+of any observation may see in epitome what he will afterwards find in
+the world at large."--"_Hinc illae lachrymae_: for that very reason,"
+quoth Adams, "I prefer a private school, where boys may be kept in
+innocence and ignorance; for, according to that fine passage in the
+play of Cato, the only English tragedy I ever read--
+
+    "'If knowledge of the world must make men villains
+    May Juba ever live in ignorance!'
+
+"Who would not rather preserve the purity of his child than wish him to
+attain the whole circle of arts and sciences? which, by the bye, he may
+learn in the classes of a private school; for I would not be vain, but I
+esteem myself to be second to none, _nulli secundum_, in teaching these
+things; so that a lad may have as much learning in a private as in a
+public education."--"And, with submission," answered Joseph, "he may get
+as much vice: witness several country gentlemen, who were educated
+within five miles of their own houses, and are as wicked as if they had
+known the world from their infancy. I remember when I was in the stable,
+if a young horse was vicious in his nature, no correction would make him
+otherwise: I take it to be equally the same among men: if a boy be of a
+mischievous wicked inclination, no school, though ever so private, will
+ever make him good: on the contrary, if he be of a righteous temper, you
+may trust him to London, or wherever else you please--he will be in no
+danger of being corrupted. Besides, I have often heard my master say
+that the discipline practised in public schools was much better than
+that in private."--"You talk like a jackanapes," says Adams, "and so did
+your master. Discipline indeed! Because one man scourges twenty or
+thirty boys more in a morning than another, is he therefore a better
+disciplinarian? I do presume to confer in this point with all who have
+taught from Chiron's time to this day; and, if I was master of six boys
+only, I would preserve as good discipline amongst them as the master of
+the greatest school in the world. I say nothing, young man; remember I
+say nothing; but if Sir Thomas himself had been educated nearer home,
+and under the tuition of somebody--remember I name nobody--it might have
+been better for him:--but his father must institute him in the knowledge
+of the world. _Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit_." Joseph, seeing him
+run on in this manner, asked pardon many times, assuring him he had no
+intention to offend. "I believe you had not, child," said he, "and I am
+not angry with you; but for maintaining good discipline in a school; for
+this."--And then he ran on as before, named all the masters who are
+recorded in old books, and preferred himself to them all. Indeed, if
+this good man had an enthusiasm, or what the vulgar call a blind side,
+it was this: he thought a schoolmaster the greatest character in the
+world, and himself the greatest of all schoolmasters: neither of which
+points he would have given up to Alexander the Great at the head of
+his army.
+
+Adams continued his subject till they came to one of the beautifullest
+spots of ground in the universe. It was a kind of natural amphitheatre,
+formed by the winding of a small rivulet, which was planted with thick
+woods, and the trees rose gradually above each other by the natural
+ascent of the ground they stood on; which ascent as they hid with their
+boughs, they seemed to have been disposed by the design of the most
+skilful planter. The soil was spread with a verdure which no paint could
+imitate; and the whole place might have raised romantic ideas in elder
+minds than those of Joseph and Fanny, without the assistance of love.
+
+Here they arrived about noon, and Joseph proposed to Adams that they
+should rest awhile in this delightful place, and refresh themselves with
+some provisions which the good-nature of Mrs Wilson had provided them
+with. Adams made no objection to the proposal; so down they sat, and,
+pulling out a cold fowl and a bottle of wine, they made a repast with a
+cheerfulness which might have attracted the envy of more splendid
+tables. I should not omit that they found among their provision a little
+paper containing a piece of gold, which Adams imagining had been put
+there by mistake, would have returned back to restore it; but he was at
+last convinced by Joseph that Mr Wilson had taken this handsome way of
+furnishing them with a supply for their journey, on his having related
+the distress which they had been in, when they were relieved by the
+generosity of the pedlar. Adams said he was glad to see such an instance
+of goodness, not so much for the conveniency which it brought them as
+for the sake of the doer, whose reward would be great in heaven. He
+likewise comforted himself with a reflection that he should shortly have
+an opportunity of returning it him; for the gentleman was within a week
+to make a journey into Somersetshire, to pass through Adams's parish,
+and had faithfully promised to call on him; a circumstance which we
+thought too immaterial to mention before; but which those who have as
+great an affection for that gentleman as ourselves will rejoice at, as
+it may give them hopes of seeing him again. Then Joseph made a speech on
+charity, which the reader, if he is so disposed, may see in the next
+chapter; for we scorn to betray him into any such reading, without first
+giving him warning.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting adventure, and
+parson Adams's miraculous escape._
+
+
+"I have often wondered, sir," said Joseph, "to observe so few instances
+of charity among mankind; for though the goodness of a man's heart did
+not incline him to relieve the distresses of his fellow-creatures,
+methinks the desire of honour should move him to it. What inspires a man
+to build fine houses, to purchase fine furniture, pictures, clothes, and
+other things, at a great expense, but an ambition to be respected more
+than other people? Now, would not one great act of charity, one instance
+of redeeming a poor family from all the miseries of poverty, restoring
+an unfortunate tradesman by a sum of money to the means of procuring a
+livelihood by his industry, discharging an undone debtor from his debts
+or a gaol, or any suchlike example of goodness, create a man more honour
+and respect than he could acquire by the finest house, furniture,
+pictures, or clothes, that were ever beheld? For not only the object
+himself who was thus relieved, but all who heard the name of such a
+person, must, I imagine, reverence him infinitely more than the
+possessor of all those other things; which when we so admire, we rather
+praise the builder, the workman, the painter, the lace-maker, the
+taylor, and the rest, by whose ingenuity they are produced, than the
+person who by his money makes them his own. For my own part, when I have
+waited behind my lady in a room hung with fine pictures, while I have
+been looking at them I have never once thought of their owner, nor hath
+any one else, as I ever observed; for when it hath been asked whose
+picture that was, it was never once answered the master's of the house;
+but Ammyconni, Paul Varnish, Hannibal Scratchi, or Hogarthi, which I
+suppose were the names of the painters; but if it was asked--Who
+redeemed such a one out of prison? Who lent such a ruined tradesman
+money to set up? Who clothed that family of poor small children? it is
+very plain what must be the answer. And besides, these great folks are
+mistaken if they imagine they get any honour at all by these means; for
+I do not remember I ever was with my lady at any house where she
+commended the house or furniture but I have heard her at her return home
+make sport and jeer at whatever she had before commended; and I have
+been told by other gentlemen in livery that it is the same in their
+families: but I defy the wisest man in the world to turn a true good
+action into ridicule. I defy him to do it. He who should endeavour it
+would be laughed at himself, instead of making others laugh. Nobody
+scarce doth any good, yet they all agree in praising those who do.
+Indeed, it is strange that all men should consent in commending
+goodness, and no man endeavour to deserve that commendation; whilst, on
+the contrary, all rail at wickedness, and all are as eager to be what
+they abuse. This I know not the reason of; but it is as plain as
+daylight to those who converse in the world, as I have done these three
+years." "Are all the great folks wicked then?" says Fanny. "To be sure
+there are some exceptions," answered Joseph. "Some gentlemen of our
+cloth report charitable actions done by their lords and masters; and I
+have heard Squire Pope, the great poet, at my lady's table, tell stories
+of a man that lived at a place called Ross, and another at the Bath, one
+Al--Al--I forget his name, but it is in the book of verses. This
+gentleman hath built up a stately house too, which the squire likes very
+well; but his charity is seen farther than his house, though it stands
+on a hill,--ay, and brings him more honour too. It was his charity that
+put him in the book, where the squire says he puts all those who deserve
+it; and to be sure, as he lives among all the great people, if there
+were any such, he would know them." This was all of Mr Joseph Andrews's
+speech which I could get him to recollect, which I have delivered as
+near as was possible in his own words, with a very small embellishment.
+But I believe the reader hath not been a little surprized at the long
+silence of parson Adams, especially as so many occasions offered
+themselves to exert his curiosity and observation. The truth is, he was
+fast asleep, and had so been from the beginning of the preceding
+narrative; and, indeed, if the reader considers that so many hours had
+passed since he had closed his eyes, he will not wonder at his repose,
+though even Henley himself, or as great an orator (if any such be), had
+been in his rostrum or tub before him.
+
+Joseph, who whilst he was speaking had continued in one attitude, with
+his head reclining on one side, and his eyes cast on the ground, no
+sooner perceived, on looking up, the position of Adams, who was
+stretched on his back, and snored louder than the usual braying of the
+animal with long ears, than he turned towards Fanny, and, taking her
+by the hand, began a dalliance, which, though consistent with the
+purest innocence and decency, neither he would have attempted nor she
+permitted before any witness. Whilst they amused themselves in this
+harmless and delightful manner they heard a pack of hounds approaching
+in full cry towards them, and presently afterwards saw a hare pop
+forth from the wood, and, crossing the water, land within a few yards
+of them in the meadows. The hare was no sooner on shore than it seated
+itself on its hinder legs, and listened to the sound of the pursuers.
+Fanny was wonderfully pleased with the little wretch, and eagerly
+longed to have it in her arms that she might preserve it from the
+dangers which seemed to threaten it; but the rational part of the
+creation do not always aptly distinguish their friends from their foes;
+what wonder then if this silly creature, the moment it beheld her,
+fled from the friend who would have protected it, and, traversing the
+meadows again, passed the little rivulet on the opposite side? It was,
+however, so spent and weak, that it fell down twice or thrice in its
+way. This affected the tender heart of Fanny, who exclaimed, with tears
+in her eyes, against the barbarity of worrying a poor innocent
+defenceless animal out of its life, and putting it to the extremest
+torture for diversion. She had not much time to make reflections of
+this kind, for on a sudden the hounds rushed through the wood, which
+resounded with their throats and the throats of their retinue, who
+attended on them on horseback. The dogs now past the rivulet, and
+pursued the footsteps of the hare; five horsemen attempted to leap
+over, three of whom succeeded, and two were in the attempt thrown from
+their saddles into the water; their companions, and their own horses
+too, proceeded after their sport, and left their friends and riders to
+invoke the assistance of Fortune, or employ the more active means of
+strength and agility for their deliverance. Joseph, however, was not
+so unconcerned on this occasion; he left Fanny for a moment to herself,
+and ran to the gentlemen, who were immediately on their legs, shaking
+their ears, and easily, with the help of his hand, obtained the bank
+(for the rivulet was not at all deep); and, without staying to thank
+their kind assister, ran dripping across the meadow, calling to their
+brother sportsmen to stop their horses; but they heard them not.
+
+The hounds were now very little behind their poor reeling, staggering
+prey, which, fainting almost at every step, crawled through the wood,
+and had almost got round to the place where Fanny stood, when it was
+overtaken by its enemies, and being driven out of the covert, was
+caught, and instantly tore to pieces before Fanny's face, who was unable
+to assist it with any aid more powerful than pity; nor could she prevail
+on Joseph, who had been himself a sportsman in his youth, to attempt
+anything contrary to the laws of hunting in favour of the hare, which he
+said was killed fairly.
+
+The hare was caught within a yard or two of Adams, who lay asleep at
+some distance from the lovers; and the hounds, in devouring it, and
+pulling it backwards and forwards, had drawn it so close to him, that
+some of them (by mistake perhaps for the hare's skin) laid hold of the
+skirts of his cassock; others at the same time applying their teeth to
+his wig, which he had with a handkerchief fastened to his head, began to
+pull him about; and had not the motion of his body had more effect on
+him than seemed to be wrought by the noise, they must certainly have
+tasted his flesh, which delicious flavour might have been fatal to him;
+but being roused by these tuggings, he instantly awaked, and with a jerk
+delivering his head from his wig, he with most admirable dexterity
+recovered his legs, which now seemed the only members he could entrust
+his safety to. Having, therefore, escaped likewise from at least a third
+part of his cassock, which he willingly left as his _exuviae_ or spoils
+to the enemy, he fled with the utmost speed he could summon to his
+assistance. Nor let this be any detraction from the bravery of his
+character: let the number of the enemies, and the surprize in which he
+was taken, be considered; and if there be any modern so outrageously
+brave that he cannot admit of flight in any circumstance whatever, I say
+(but I whisper that softly, and I solemnly declare without any intention
+of giving offence to any brave man in the nation), I say, or rather I
+whisper, that he is an ignorant fellow, and hath never read Homer nor
+Virgil, nor knows he anything of Hector or Turnus; nay, he is
+unacquainted with the history of some great men living, who, though as
+brave as lions, ay, as tigers, have run away, the Lord knows how far,
+and the Lord knows why, to the surprize of their friends and the
+entertainment of their enemies. But if persons of such heroic
+disposition are a little offended at the behaviour of Adams, we assure
+them they shall be as much pleased with what we shall immediately relate
+of Joseph Andrews. The master of the pack was just arrived, or, as the
+sportsmen call it, come in, when Adams set out, as we have before
+mentioned. This gentleman was generally said to be a great lover of
+humour; but, not to mince the matter, especially as we are upon this
+subject, he was a great hunter of men; indeed, he had hitherto followed
+the sport only with dogs of his own species; for he kept two or three
+couple of barking curs for that use only. However, as he thought he had
+now found a man nimble enough, he was willing to indulge himself with
+other sport, and accordingly, crying out, "Stole away," encouraged the
+hounds to pursue Mr Adams, swearing it was the largest jack-hare he ever
+saw; at the same time hallooing and hooping as if a conquered foe was
+flying before him; in which he was imitated by these two or three couple
+of human or rather two-legged curs on horseback which we have mentioned
+before.
+
+Now, thou, whoever thou art, whether a muse, or by what other name soever
+thou choosest to be called, who presidest over biography, and hast
+inspired all the writers of lives in these our times: thou who didst
+infuse such wonderful humour into the pen of immortal Gulliver; who hast
+carefully guided the judgment whilst thou hast exalted the nervous manly
+style of thy Mallet: thou who hadst no hand in that dedication and
+preface, or the translations, which thou wouldst willingly have struck
+out of the life of Cicero: lastly, thou who, without the assistance of
+the least spice of literature, and even against his inclination, hast,
+in some pages of his book, forced Colley Cibber to write English; do
+thou assist me in what I find myself unequal to. Do thou introduce on
+the plain the young, the gay, the brave Joseph Andrews, whilst men shall
+view him with admiration and envy, tender virgins with love and anxious
+concern for his safety.
+
+No sooner did Joseph Andrews perceive the distress of his friend, when
+first the quick-scenting dogs attacked him, than he grasped his cudgel
+in his right hand--a cudgel which his father had of his grandfather, to
+whom a mighty strong man of Kent had given it for a present in that day
+when he broke three heads on the stage. It was a cudgel of mighty
+strength and wonderful art, made by one of Mr Deard's best workmen, whom
+no other artificer can equal, and who hath made all those sticks which
+the beaus have lately walked with about the Park in a morning; but this
+was far his masterpiece. On its head was engraved a nose and chin, which
+might have been mistaken for a pair of nutcrackers. The learned have
+imagined it designed to represent the Gorgon; but it was in fact copied
+from the face of a certain long English baronet, of infinite wit, humour,
+and gravity. He did intend to have engraved here many histories: as the
+first night of Captain B----'s play, where you would have seen critics
+in embroidery transplanted from the boxes to the pit, whose ancient
+inhabitants were exalted to the galleries, where they played on
+catcalls. He did intend to have painted an auction room, where Mr Cock
+would have appeared aloft in his pulpit, trumpeting forth the praises of
+a china basin, and with astonishment wondering that "Nobody bids more
+for that fine, that superb--" He did intend to have engraved many other
+things, but was forced to leave all out for want of room.
+
+No sooner had Joseph grasped his cudgel in his hands than lightning
+darted from his eyes; and the heroick youth, swift of foot, ran with the
+utmost speed to his friend's assistance. He overtook him just as
+Rockwood had laid hold of the skirt of his cassock, which, being torn,
+hung to the ground. Reader, we would make a simile on this occasion, but
+for two reasons: the first is, it would interrupt the description, which
+should be rapid in this part; but that doth not weigh much, many
+precedents occurring for such an interruption: the second and much the
+greater reason is, that we could find no simile adequate to our purpose:
+for indeed, what instance could we bring to set before our reader's eyes
+at once the idea of friendship, courage, youth, beauty, strength, and
+swiftness? all which blazed in the person of Joseph Andrews. Let those,
+therefore, that describe lions and tigers, and heroes fiercer than both,
+raise their poems or plays with the simile of Joseph Andrews, who is
+himself above the reach of any simile.
+
+Now Rockwood had laid fast hold on the parson's skirts, and stopt his
+flight; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he levelled his cudgel at
+his head and laid him sprawling. Jowler and Ringwood then fell on his
+greatcoat, and had undoubtedly brought him to the ground, had not
+Joseph, collecting all his force, given Jowler such a rap on the back,
+that, quitting his hold, he ran howling over the plain. A harder fate
+remained for thee, O Ringwood! Ringwood the best hound that ever pursued
+a hare, who never threw his tongue but where the scent was undoubtedly
+true; good at trailing, and sure in a highway; no babler, no overrunner;
+respected by the whole pack, who, whenever he opened, knew the game was
+at hand. He fell by the stroke of Joseph. Thunder and Plunder, and
+Wonder and Blunder, were the next victims of his wrath, and measured
+their lengths on the ground. Then Fairmaid, a bitch which Mr John Temple
+had bred up in his house, and fed at his own table, and lately sent the
+squire fifty miles for a present, ran fiercely at Joseph and bit him by
+the leg: no dog was ever fiercer than she, being descended from an
+Amazonian breed, and had worried bulls in her own country, but now waged
+an unequal fight, and had shared the fate of those we have mentioned
+before, had not Diana (the reader may believe it or not if he pleases)
+in that instant interposed, and, in the shape of the huntsman, snatched
+her favourite up in her arms.
+
+The parson now faced about, and with his crabstick felled many to the
+earth, and scattered others, till he was attacked by Caesar and pulled
+to the ground. Then Joseph flew to his rescue, and with such might
+fell on the victor, that, O eternal blot to his name! Caesar ran
+yelping away.
+
+The battle now raged with the most dreadful violence, when, lo! the
+huntsman, a man of years and dignity, lifted his voice, and called his
+hounds from the fight, telling them, in a language they understood, that
+it was in vain to contend longer, for that fate had decreed the victory
+to their enemies.
+
+Thus far the muse hath with her usual dignity related this prodigious
+battle, a battle we apprehend never equalled by any poet, romance or
+life writer whatever, and, having brought it to a conclusion, she
+ceased; we shall therefore proceed in our ordinary style with the
+continuation of this history. The squire and his companions, whom the
+figure of Adams and the gallantry of Joseph had at first thrown into a
+violent fit of laughter, and who had hitherto beheld the engagement with
+more delight than any chase, shooting-match, race, cock-fighting, bull
+or bear baiting, had ever given them, began now to apprehend the danger
+of their hounds, many of which lay sprawling in the fields. The squire,
+therefore, having first called his friends about him, as guards for
+safety of his person, rode manfully up to the combatants, and, summoning
+all the terror he was master of into his countenance, demanded with an
+authoritative voice of Joseph what he meant by assaulting his dogs in
+that manner? Joseph answered, with great intrepidity, that they had
+first fallen on his friend; and if they had belonged to the greatest man
+in the kingdom, he would have treated them in the same way; for, whilst
+his veins contained a single drop of blood, he would not stand idle by
+and see that gentleman (pointing to Adams) abused either by man or
+beast; and, having so said, both he and Adams brandished their wooden
+weapons, and put themselves into such a posture, that the squire and his
+company thought proper to preponderate before they offered to revenge
+the cause of their four-footed allies.
+
+At this instant Fanny, whom the apprehension of Joseph's danger had
+alarmed so much that, forgetting her own, she had made the utmost
+expedition, came up. The squire and all the horsemen were so
+surprized with her beauty, that they immediately fixed both their
+eyes and thoughts solely on her, every one declaring he had never
+seen so charming a creature. Neither mirth nor anger engaged them a
+moment longer, but all sat in silent amaze. The huntsman only was
+free from her attraction, who was busy in cutting the ears of the
+dogs, and endeavouring to recover them to life; in which he succeeded
+so well, that only two of no great note remained slaughtered on the
+field of action. Upon this the huntsman declared, "'Twas well it was
+no worse; for his part he could not blame the gentleman, and wondered
+his master would encourage the dogs to hunt Christians; that it was
+the surest way to spoil them, to make them follow vermin instead of
+sticking to a hare."
+
+The squire, being informed of the little mischief that had been done,
+and perhaps having more mischief of another kind in his head, accosted
+Mr Adams with a more favourable aspect than before: he told him he was
+sorry for what had happened; that he had endeavoured all he could to
+prevent it the moment he was acquainted with his cloth, and greatly
+commended the courage of his servant, for so he imagined Joseph to be.
+He then invited Mr Adams to dinner, and desired the young woman might
+come with him. Adams refused a long while; but the invitation was
+repeated with so much earnestness and courtesy, that at length he was
+forced to accept it. His wig and hat, and other spoils of the field,
+being gathered together by Joseph (for otherwise probably they would
+have been forgotten), he put himself into the best order he could; and
+then the horse and foot moved forward in the same pace towards the
+squire's house, which stood at a very little distance.
+
+Whilst they were on the road the lovely Fanny attracted the eyes of all:
+they endeavoured to outvie one another in encomiums on her beauty; which
+the reader will pardon my not relating, as they had not anything new or
+uncommon in them: so must he likewise my not setting down the many
+curious jests which were made on Adams; some of them declaring that
+parson-hunting was the best sport in the world; others commending his
+standing at bay, which they said he had done as well as any badger; with
+such like merriment, which, though it would ill become the dignity of
+this history, afforded much laughter and diversion to the squire and his
+facetious companions.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste
+and times._
+
+
+They arrived at the squire's house just as his dinner was ready. A
+little dispute arose on the account of Fanny, whom the squire, who was a
+bachelor, was desirous to place at his own table; but she would not
+consent, nor would Mr Adams permit her to be parted from Joseph; so that
+she was at length with him consigned over to the kitchen, where the
+servants were ordered to make him drunk; a favour which was likewise
+intended for Adams; which design being executed, the squire thought he
+should easily accomplish what he had when he first saw her intended to
+perpetrate with Fanny.
+
+It may not be improper, before we proceed farther, to open a little the
+character of this gentleman, and that of his friends. The master of this
+house, then, was a man of a very considerable fortune; a bachelor, as we
+have said, and about forty years of age: he had been educated (if we may
+use the expression) in the country, and at his own home, under the care
+of his mother, and a tutor who had orders never to correct him, nor to
+compel him to learn more than he liked, which it seems was very little,
+and that only in his childhood; for from the age of fifteen he addicted
+himself entirely to hunting and other rural amusements, for which his
+mother took care to equip him with horses, hounds, and all other
+necessaries; and his tutor, endeavouring to ingratiate himself with his
+young pupil, who would, he knew, be able handsomely to provide for him,
+became his companion, not only at these exercises, but likewise over a
+bottle, which the young squire had a very early relish for. At the age
+of twenty his mother began to think she had not fulfilled the duty of a
+parent; she therefore resolved to persuade her son, if possible, to that
+which she imagined would well supply all that he might have learned at a
+public school or university--this is what they commonly call travelling;
+which, with the help of the tutor, who was fixed on to attend him, she
+easily succeeded in. He made in three years the tour of Europe, as they
+term it, and returned home well furnished with French clothes, phrases,
+and servants, with a hearty contempt for his own country; especially
+what had any savour of the plain spirit and honesty of our ancestors.
+His mother greatly applauded herself at his return. And now, being
+master of his own fortune, he soon procured himself a seat in
+Parliament, and was in the common opinion one of the finest gentlemen of
+his age: but what distinguished him chiefly was a strange delight which
+he took in everything which is ridiculous, odious, and absurd in his own
+species; so that he never chose a companion without one or more of these
+ingredients, and those who were marked by nature in the most eminent
+degree with them were most his favourites. If he ever found a man who
+either had not, or endeavoured to conceal, these imperfections, he took
+great pleasure in inventing methods of forcing him into absurdities
+which were not natural to him, or in drawing forth and exposing those
+that were; for which purpose he was always provided with a set of
+fellows, whom we have before called curs, and who did, indeed, no great
+honour to the canine kind; their business was to hunt out and display
+everything that had any savour of the above-mentioned qualities, and
+especially in the gravest and best characters; but if they failed in
+their search, they were to turn even virtue and wisdom themselves into
+ridicule, for the diversion of their master and feeder. The gentlemen of
+curlike disposition who were now at his house, and whom he had brought
+with him from London, were, an old half-pay officer, a player, a dull
+poet, a quack-doctor, a scraping fiddler, and a lame German
+dancing-master.
+
+As soon as dinner was served, while Mr Adams was saying grace, the
+captain conveyed his chair from behind him; so that when he endeavoured
+to seat himself he fell down on the ground, and this completed joke the
+first, to the great entertainment of the whole company. The second joke
+was performed by the poet, who sat next him on the other side, and took
+an opportunity, while poor Adams was respectfully drinking to the master
+of the house, to overturn a plate of soup into his breeches; which, with
+the many apologies he made, and the parson's gentle answers, caused much
+mirth in the company. Joke the third was served up by one of the
+waiting-men, who had been ordered to convey a quantity of gin into Mr
+Adams's ale, which he declaring to be the best liquor he ever drank, but
+rather too rich of the malt, contributed again to their laughter. Mr
+Adams, from whom we had most of this relation, could not recollect all
+the jests of this kind practised on him, which the inoffensive
+disposition of his own heart made him slow in discovering; and indeed,
+had it not been for the information which we received from a servant of
+the family, this part of our history, which we take to be none of the
+least curious, must have been deplorably imperfect; though we must own
+it probable that some more jokes were (as they call it) cracked during
+their dinner; but we have by no means been able to come at the knowledge
+of them. When dinner was removed, the poet began to repeat some verses,
+which, he said, were made extempore. The following is a copy of them,
+procured with the greatest difficulty:--
+
+    _An extempore Poem on parson Adams._
+
+    Did ever mortal such a parson view?
+    His cassock old, his wig not over-new,
+    Well might the hounds have him for fox mistaken,
+    In smell more like to that than rusty bacon[A];
+    But would it not make any mortal stare
+    To see this parson taken for a hare?
+    Could Phoebus err thus grossly, even he
+    For a good player might have taken thee.
+
+[A] All hounds that will hunt fox or other vermin will hunt a piece of
+    rusty bacon trailed on the ground.
+
+At which words the bard whipt off the player's wig, and received the
+approbation of the company, rather perhaps for the dexterity of his hand
+than his head. The player, instead of retorting the jest on the poet,
+began to display his talents on the same subject. He repeated many
+scraps of wit out of plays, reflecting on the whole body of the clergy,
+which were received with great acclamations by all present. It was now
+the dancing-master's turn to exhibit his talents; he therefore,
+addressing himself to Adams in broken English, told him, "He was a man
+ver well made for de dance, and he suppose by his walk dat he had learn
+of some great master." He said, "It was ver pretty quality in clergyman
+to dance;" and concluded with desiring him to dance a minuet, telling
+him, "his cassock would serve for petticoats; and that he would himself
+be his partner." At which words, without waiting for an answer, he
+pulled out his gloves, and the fiddler was preparing his fiddle. The
+company all offered the dancing-master wagers that the parson out-danced
+him, which he refused, saying "he believed so too, for he had never seen
+any man in his life who looked de dance so well as de gentleman:" he
+then stepped forwards to take Adams by the hand, which the latter
+hastily withdrew, and, at the same time clenching his fist, advised him
+not to carry the jest too far, for he would not endure being put upon.
+The dancing-master no sooner saw the fist than he prudently retired out
+of its reach, and stood aloof, mimicking Adams, whose eyes were fixed on
+him, not guessing what he was at, but to avoid his laying hold on him,
+which he had once attempted. In the meanwhile, the captain, perceiving
+an opportunity, pinned a cracker or devil to the cassock, and then
+lighted it with their little smoking-candle. Adams, being a stranger to
+this sport, and believing he had been blown up in reality, started from
+his chair, and jumped about the room, to the infinite joy of the
+beholders, who declared he was the best dancer in the universe. As soon
+as the devil had done tormenting him, and he had a little recovered his
+confusion, he returned to the table, standing up in the posture of one
+who intended to make a speech. They all cried out, "Hear him, hear him;"
+and he then spoke in the following manner: "Sir, I am sorry to see one
+to whom Providence hath been so bountiful in bestowing his favours make
+so ill and ungrateful a return for them; for, though you have not
+insulted me yourself, it is visible you have delighted in those that do
+it, nor have once discouraged the many rudenesses which have been shown
+towards me; indeed, towards yourself, if you rightly understood them;
+for I am your guest, and by the laws of hospitality entitled to your
+protection. One gentleman had thought proper to produce some poetry upon
+me, of which I shall only say, that I had rather be the subject than the
+composer. He hath pleased to treat me with disrespect as a parson. I
+apprehend my order is not the subject of scorn, nor that I can become
+so, unless by being a disgrace to it, which I hope poverty will never be
+called. Another gentleman, indeed, hath repeated some sentences, where
+the order itself is mentioned with contempt. He says they are taken from
+plays. I am sure such plays are a scandal to the government which
+permits them, and cursed will be the nation where they are represented.
+How others have treated me I need not observe; they themselves, when
+they reflect, must allow the behaviour to be as improper to my years as
+to my cloth. You found me, sir, travelling with two of my parishioners
+(I omit your hounds falling on me; for I have quite forgiven it, whether
+it proceeded from the wantonness or negligence of the huntsman): my
+appearance might very well persuade you that your invitation was an act
+of charity, though in reality we were well provided; yes, sir, if we had
+had an hundred miles to travel, we had sufficient to bear our expenses
+in a noble manner." (At which words he produced the half-guinea which
+was found in the basket.) "I do not show you this out of ostentation of
+riches, but to convince you I speak truth. Your seating me at your table
+was an honour which I did not ambitiously affect. When I was here, I
+endeavoured to behave towards you with the utmost respect; if I have
+failed, it was not with design; nor could I, certainly, so far be guilty
+as to deserve the insults I have suffered. If they were meant,
+therefore, either to my order or my poverty (and you see I am not very
+poor), the shame doth not lie at my door, and I heartily pray that the
+sin may be averted from yours." He thus finished, and received a general
+clap from the whole company. Then the gentleman of the house told him,
+"He was sorry for what had happened; that he could not accuse him of any
+share in it; that the verses were, as himself had well observed, so bad,
+that he might easily answer them; and for the serpent, it was
+undoubtedly a very great affront done him by the dancing-master, for
+which, if he well thrashed him, as he deserved, he should be very much
+pleased to see it" (in which, probably, he spoke truth). Adams answered,
+"Whoever had done it, it was not his profession to punish him that way;
+but for the person whom he had accused, I am a witness," says he, "of
+his innocence; for I had my eye on him all the while. Whoever he was,
+God forgive him, and bestow on him a little more sense as well as
+humanity." The captain answered with a surly look and accent, "That he
+hoped he did not mean to reflect upon him; d--n him, he had as much
+imanity as another, and, if any man said he had not, he would convince
+him of his mistake by cutting his throat." Adams, smiling, said, "He
+believed he had spoke right by accident." To which the captain returned,
+"What do you mean by my speaking right? If you was not a parson, I would
+not take these words; but your gown protects you. If any man who wears a
+sword had said so much, I had pulled him by the nose before this." Adams
+replied, "If he attempted any rudeness to his person, he would not find
+any protection for himself in his gown;" and, clenching his fist,
+declared "he had thrashed many a stouter man." The gentleman did all he
+could to encourage this warlike disposition in Adams, and was in hopes
+to have produced a battle, but he was disappointed; for the captain made
+no other answer than, "It is very well you are a parson;" and so,
+drinking off a bumper to old mother Church, ended the dispute.
+
+Then the doctor, who had hitherto been silent, and who was the gravest
+but most mischievous dog of all, in a very pompous speech highly
+applauded what Adams had said, and as much discommended the behaviour
+to him. He proceeded to encomiums on the Church and poverty; and,
+lastly, recommended forgiveness of what had passed to Adams, who
+immediately answered, "That everything was forgiven;" and in the warmth
+of his goodness he filled a bumper of strong beer (a liquor he
+preferred to wine), and drank a health to the whole company, shaking
+the captain and the poet heartily by the hand, and addressing himself
+with great respect to the doctor; who, indeed, had not laughed
+outwardly at anything that past, as he had a perfect command of his
+muscles, and could laugh inwardly without betraying the least symptoms
+in his countenance. The doctor now began a second formal speech, in
+which he declaimed against all levity of conversation, and what is
+usually called mirth. He said, "There were amusements fitted for
+persons of all ages and degrees, from the rattle to the discussing a
+point of philosophy; and that men discovered themselves in nothing more
+than in the choice of their amusements; for," says he, "as it must
+greatly raise our expectation of the future conduct in life of boys
+whom in their tender years we perceive, instead of taw or balls, or
+other childish playthings, to chuse, at their leisure hours, to
+exercise their genius in contentions of wit, learning, and such like;
+so must it inspire one with equal contempt of a man, if we should
+discover him playing at taw or other childish play." Adams highly
+commended the doctor's opinion, and said, "He had often wondered at
+some passages in ancient authors, where Scipio, Laelius, and other great
+men were represented to have passed many hours in amusements of the
+most trifling kind." The doctor replied, "He had by him an old Greek
+manuscript where a favourite diversion of Socrates was recorded." "Ay!"
+says the parson eagerly; "I should be most infinitely obliged to you
+for the favour of perusing it." The doctor promised to send it him, and
+farther said, "That he believed he could describe it. I think," says
+he, "as near as I can remember, it was this: there was a throne
+erected, on one side of which sat a king and on the other a queen, with
+their guards and attendants ranged on both sides; to them was
+introduced an ambassador, which part Socrates always used to perform
+himself; and when he was led up to the footsteps of the throne he
+addressed himself to the monarchs in some grave speech, full of virtue,
+and goodness, and morality, and such like. After which, he was seated
+between the king and queen, and royally entertained. This I think was
+the chief part. Perhaps I may have forgot some particulars; for it is
+long since I read it." Adams said, "It was, indeed, a diversion worthy
+the relaxation of so great a man; and thought something resembling it
+should be instituted among our great men, instead of cards and other
+idle pastime, in which, he was informed, they trifled away too much of
+their lives." He added, "The Christian religion was a nobler subject
+for these speeches than any Socrates could have invented." The
+gentleman of the house approved what Mr Adams said, and declared "he
+was resolved to perform the ceremony this very evening." To which the
+doctor objected, as no one was prepared with a speech, "unless," said
+he (turning to Adams with a gravity of countenance which would have
+deceived a more knowing man), "you have a sermon about you, doctor."
+"Sir," said Adams, "I never travel without one, for fear of what may
+happen." He was easily prevailed on by his worthy friend, as he now
+called the doctor, to undertake the part of the ambassador; so that the
+gentleman sent immediate orders to have the throne erected, which was
+performed before they had drank two bottles; and, perhaps, the reader
+will hereafter have no great reason to admire the nimbleness of the
+servants. Indeed, to confess the truth, the throne was no more than
+this: there was a great tub of water provided, on each side of which
+were placed two stools raised higher than the surface of the tub, and
+over the whole was laid a blanket; on these stools were placed the king
+and queen, namely, the master of the house and the captain. And now the
+ambassador was introduced between the poet and the doctor; who, having
+read his sermon, to the great entertainment of all present, was led up
+to his place and seated between their majesties. They immediately rose
+up, when the blanket, wanting its supports at either end, gave way, and
+soused Adams over head and ears in the water. The captain made his
+escape, but, unluckily, the gentleman himself not being as nimble as he
+ought, Adams caught hold of him before he descended from his throne,
+and pulled him in with him, to the entire secret satisfaction of all
+the company. Adams, after ducking the squire twice or thrice, leapt out
+of the tub, and looked sharp for the doctor, whom he would certainly
+have conveyed to the same place of honour; but he had wisely withdrawn:
+he then searched for his crabstick, and having found that, as well as
+his fellow travellers, he declared he would not stay a moment longer in
+such a house. He then departed, without taking leave of his host, whom
+he had exacted a more severe revenge on than he intended; for, as he
+did not use sufficient care to dry himself in time, he caught a cold by
+the accident which threw him into a fever that had like to have cost
+him his life.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_Which some readers will think too short and others too long._
+
+
+Adams, and Joseph, who was no less enraged than his friend at the
+treatment he met with, went out with their sticks in their hands, and
+carried off Fanny, notwithstanding the opposition of the servants, who
+did all, without proceeding to violence, in their power to detain them.
+They walked as fast as they could, not so much from any apprehension of
+being pursued as that Mr Adams might, by exercise, prevent any harm from
+the water. The gentleman, who had given such orders to his servants
+concerning Fanny that he did not in the least fear her getting away, no
+sooner heard that she was gone, than he began to rave, and immediately
+despatched several with orders either to bring her back or never return.
+The poet, the player, and all but the dancing-master and doctor, went on
+this errand.
+
+The night was very dark in which our friends began their journey;
+however, they made such expedition, that they soon arrived at an inn
+which was at seven miles' distance. Here they unanimously consented to
+pass the evening, Mr Adams being now as dry as he was before he had set
+out on his embassy.
+
+This inn, which indeed we might call an ale-house, had not the words,
+The New Inn, been writ on the sign, afforded them no better provision
+than bread and cheese and ale; on which, however, they made a very
+comfortable meal; for hunger is better than a French cook.
+
+They had no sooner supped, than Adams, returning thanks to the Almighty
+for his food, declared he had eat his homely commons with much greater
+satisfaction than his splendid dinner; and expressed great contempt for
+the folly of mankind, who sacrificed their hopes of heaven to the
+acquisition of vast wealth, since so much comfort was to be found in the
+humblest state and the lowest provision. "Very true, sir," says a grave
+man who sat smoaking his pipe by the fire, and who was a traveller as
+well as himself. "I have often been as much surprized as you are, when I
+consider the value which mankind in general set on riches, since every
+day's experience shows us how little is in their power; for what,
+indeed, truly desirable, can they bestow on us? Can they give beauty to
+the deformed, strength to the weak, or health to the infirm? Surely if
+they could we should not see so many ill-favoured faces haunting the
+assemblies of the great, nor would such numbers of feeble wretches
+languish in their coaches and palaces. No, not the wealth of a kingdom
+can purchase any paint to dress pale Ugliness in the bloom of that young
+maiden, nor any drugs to equip Disease with the vigour of that young
+man. Do not riches bring us to solicitude instead of rest, envy instead
+of affection, and danger instead of safety? Can they prolong their own
+possession, or lengthen his days who enjoys them? So far otherwise, that
+the sloth, the luxury, the care which attend them, shorten the lives of
+millions, and bring them with pain and misery to an untimely grave.
+Where, then, is their value if they can neither embellish nor strengthen
+our forms, sweeten nor prolong our lives?--Again: Can they adorn the
+mind more than the body? Do they not rather swell the heart with vanity,
+puff up the cheeks with pride, shut our ears to every call of virtue,
+and our bowels to every motive of compassion?" "Give me your hand,
+brother," said Adams, in a rapture, "for I suppose you are a
+clergyman."--"No, truly," answered the other (indeed, he was a priest of
+the Church of Rome; but those who understand our laws will not wonder he
+was not over-ready to own it).--"Whatever you are," cries Adams, "you
+have spoken my sentiments: I believe I have preached every syllable of
+your speech twenty times over; for it hath always appeared to me easier
+for a cable-rope (which by the way is the true rendering of that word we
+have translated camel) to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich
+man to get into the kingdom of heaven."--"That, sir," said the other,
+"will be easily granted you by divines, and is deplorably true; but as
+the prospect of our good at a distance doth not so forcibly affect us,
+it might be of some service to mankind to be made thoroughly
+sensible--which I think they might be with very little serious
+attention--that even the blessings of this world are not to be purchased
+with riches; a doctrine, in my opinion, not only metaphysically, but, if
+I may so say, mathematically demonstrable; and which I have been always
+so perfectly convinced of that I have a contempt for nothing so much as
+for gold." Adams now began a long discourse: but as most which he said
+occurs among many authors who have treated this subject, I shall omit
+inserting it. During its continuance Joseph and Fanny retired to rest,
+and the host likewise left the room. When the English parson had
+concluded, the Romish resumed the discourse, which he continued with
+great bitterness and invective; and at last ended by desiring Adams to
+lend him eighteen-pence to pay his reckoning; promising, if he never
+paid him, he might be assured of his prayers. The good man answered that
+eighteen-pence would be too little to carry him any very long journey;
+that he had half a guinea in his pocket, which he would divide with him.
+He then fell to searching his pockets, but could find no money; for
+indeed the company with whom he dined had passed one jest upon him which
+we did not then enumerate, and had picked his pocket of all that
+treasure which he had so ostentatiously produced.
+
+"Bless me!" cried Adams, "I have certainly lost it; I can never have
+spent it. Sir, as I am a Christian, I had a whole half-guinea in my
+pocket this morning, and have not now a single halfpenny of it left.
+Sure the devil must have taken it from me!"--"Sir," answered the priest,
+smiling, "you need make no excuses; if you are not willing to lend me
+the money, I am contented."--"Sir," cries Adams, "if I had the greatest
+sum in the world--aye, if I had ten pounds about me--I would bestow it
+all to rescue any Christian from distress. I am more vexed at my loss on
+your account than my own. Was ever anything so unlucky? Because I have
+no money in my pocket I shall be suspected to be no Christian."--"I am
+more unlucky," quoth the other, "if you are as generous as you say; for
+really a crown would have made me happy, and conveyed me in plenty to
+the place I am going, which is not above twenty miles off, and where I
+can arrive by to-morrow night. I assure you I am not accustomed to
+travel pennyless. I am but just arrived in England; and we were forced
+by a storm in our passage to throw all we had overboard. I don't suspect
+but this fellow will take my word for the trifle I owe him; but I hate
+to appear so mean as to confess myself without a shilling to such
+people; for these, and indeed too many others, know little difference in
+their estimation between a beggar and a thief." However, he thought he
+should deal better with the host that evening than the next morning: he
+therefore resolved to set out immediately, notwithstanding the darkness;
+and accordingly, as soon as the host returned, he communicated to him
+the situation of his affairs; upon which the host, scratching his head,
+answered, "Why, I do not know, master; if it be so, and you have no
+money, I must trust, I think, though I had rather always have ready
+money if I could; but, marry, you look like so honest a gentleman that I
+don't fear your paying me if it was twenty times as much." The priest
+made no reply, but, taking leave of him and Adams as fast as he could,
+not without confusion, and perhaps with some distrust of Adams's
+sincerity, departed.
+
+He was no sooner gone than the host fell a-shaking his head, and
+declared, if he had suspected the fellow had no money, he would not have
+drawn him a single drop of drink, saying he despaired of ever seeing his
+face again, for that he looked like a confounded rogue.
+
+"Rabbit the fellow," cries he, "I thought, by his talking so much about
+riches, that he had a hundred pounds at least in his pocket." Adams chid
+him for his suspicions, which, he said, were not becoming a Christian;
+and then, without reflecting on his loss, or considering how he himself
+should depart in the morning, he retired to a very homely bed, as his
+companions had before; however, health and fatigue gave them a sweeter
+repose than is often in the power of velvet and down to bestow.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found in this
+or perhaps any other authentic history._
+
+
+It was almost morning when Joseph Andrews, whose eyes the thoughts of
+his dear Fanny had opened, as he lay fondly meditating on that lovely
+creature, heard a violent knocking at the door over which he lay. He
+presently jumped out of bed, and, opening the window, was asked if there
+were no travellers in the house? and presently, by another voice, if two
+men and a woman had not taken up there their lodging that night? Though
+he knew not the voices, he began to entertain a suspicion of the
+truth--for indeed he had received some information from one of the
+servants of the squire's house of his design--and answered in the
+negative. One of the servants, who knew the host well, called out to him
+by his name just as he had opened another window, and asked him the same
+question; to which he answered in the affirmative. O ho! said another,
+have we found you? and ordered the host to come down and open his door.
+Fanny, who was as wakeful as Joseph, no sooner heard all this than she
+leaped from her bed, and, hastily putting on her gown and petticoats,
+ran as fast as possible to Joseph's room, who then was almost drest. He
+immediately let her in, and, embracing her with the most passionate
+tenderness, bid her fear nothing, for he would die in her defence. "Is
+that a reason why I should not fear," says she, "when I should lose what
+is dearer to me than the whole world?" Joseph, then kissing her hand,
+said, "He could almost thank the occasion which had extorted from her a
+tenderness she would never indulge him with before." He then ran and
+waked his bedfellow Adams, who was yet fast asleep, notwithstanding many
+calls from Joseph; but was no sooner made sensible of their danger than
+he leaped from his bed, without considering the presence of Fanny, who
+hastily turned her face from him, and enjoyed a double benefit from the
+dark, which, as it would have prevented any offence, to an innocence
+less pure, or a modesty less delicate, so it concealed even those
+blushes which were raised in her.
+
+Adams had soon put on all his clothes but his breeches, which, in the
+hurry, he forgot; however, they were pretty well supplied by the length
+of his other garments; and now, the house-door being opened, the
+captain, the poet, the player, and three servants came in. The captain
+told the host that two fellows, who were in his house, had run away with
+a young woman, and desired to know in which room she lay. The host, who
+presently believed the story, directed them, and instantly the captain
+and poet, justling one another, ran up. The poet, who was the nimblest,
+entering the chamber first, searched the bed, and every other part, but
+to no purpose; the bird was flown, as the impatient reader, who might
+otherwise have been in pain for her, was before advertised. They then
+enquired where the men lay, and were approaching the chamber, when
+Joseph roared out, in a loud voice, that he would shoot the first man
+who offered to attack the door. The captain enquired what fire-arms they
+had; to which the host answered, he believed they had none; nay, he was
+almost convinced of it, for he had heard one ask the other in the
+evening what they should have done if they had been overtaken, when they
+had no arms; to which the other answered, they would have defended
+themselves with their sticks as long as they were able, and God would
+assist a just cause. This satisfied the captain, but not the poet, who
+prudently retreated downstairs, saying, it was his business to record
+great actions, and not to do them. The captain was no sooner well
+satisfied that there were no fire-arms than, bidding defiance to
+gunpowder, and swearing he loved the smell of it, he ordered the
+servants to follow him, and, marching boldly up, immediately attempted
+to force the door, which the servants soon helped him to accomplish.
+When it was opened, they discovered the enemy drawn up three deep; Adams
+in the front, and Fanny in the rear. The captain told Adams that if they
+would go all back to the house again they should be civilly treated; but
+unless they consented he had orders to carry the young lady with him,
+whom there was great reason to believe they had stolen from her parents;
+for, notwithstanding her disguise, her air, which she could not conceal,
+sufficiently discovered her birth to be infinitely superior to theirs.
+Fanny, bursting into tears, solemnly assured him he was mistaken; that
+she was a poor helpless foundling, and had no relation in the world
+which she knew of; and, throwing herself on her knees, begged that he
+would not attempt to take her from her friends, who, she was convinced,
+would die before they would lose her; which Adams confirmed with words
+not far from amounting to an oath. The captain swore he had no leisure
+to talk, and, bidding them thank themselves for what happened, he
+ordered the servants to fall on, at the same time endeavouring to pass
+by Adams, in order to lay hold on Fanny; but the parson, interrupting
+him, received a blow from one of them, which, without considering whence
+it came, he returned to the captain, and gave him so dexterous a knock
+in that part of the stomach which is vulgarly called the pit, that he
+staggered some paces backwards. The captain, who was not accustomed to
+this kind of play, and who wisely apprehended the consequence of such
+another blow, two of them seeming to him equal to a thrust through the
+body, drew forth his hanger, as Adams approached him, and was levelling
+a blow at his head, which would probably have silenced the preacher for
+ever, had not Joseph in that instant lifted up a certain huge stone pot
+of the chamber with one hand, which six beaus could not have lifted with
+both, and discharged it, together with the contents, full in the
+captain's face. The uplifted hanger dropped from his hand, and he fell
+prostrated on the floor with a lumpish noise, and his halfpence rattled
+in his pocket; the red liquor which his veins contained, and the white
+liquor which the pot contained, ran in one stream down his face and his
+clothes. Nor had Adams quite escaped, some of the water having in its
+passage shed its honours on his head, and began to trickle down the
+wrinkles or rather furrows of his cheeks, when one of the servants,
+snatching a mop out of a pail of water, which had already done its duty
+in washing the house, pushed it in the parson's face; yet could not he
+bear him down, for the parson, wresting the mop from the fellow with one
+hand, with the other brought his enemy as low as the earth, having given
+him a stroke over that part of the face where, in some men of pleasure,
+the natural and artificial noses are conjoined.
+
+Hitherto, Fortune seemed to incline the victory on the travellers' side,
+when, according to her custom, she began to show the fickleness of her
+disposition; for now the host, entering the field, or rather chamber of
+battle, flew directly at Joseph, and, darting his head into his stomach
+(for he was a stout fellow and an expert boxer), almost staggered him:
+but Joseph, stepping one leg back, did with his left hand so chuck him
+under the chin that he reeled. The youth was pursuing his blow with his
+right hand when he received from one of the servants such a stroke with
+a cudgel on his temples, that it instantly deprived him of sense, and he
+measured his length on the ground.
+
+Fanny rent the air with her cries, and Adams was coming to the
+assistance of Joseph; but the two serving-men and the host now fell on
+him, and soon subdued him, though he fought like a madman, and looked so
+black with the impressions he had received from the mop, that Don
+Quixote would certainly have taken him for an inchanted Moor. But now
+follows the most tragical part; for the captain was risen again, and,
+seeing Joseph on the floor, and Adams secured, he instantly laid hold on
+Fanny, and, with the assistance of the poet and player, who, hearing the
+battle was over, were now come up, dragged her, crying and tearing her
+hair, from the sight of her Joseph, and, with a perfect deafness to all
+her entreaties, carried her downstairs by violence, and fastened her on
+the player's horse; and the captain, mounting his own, and leading that
+on which this poor miserable wretch was, departed, without any more
+consideration of her cries than a butcher hath of those of a lamb; for
+indeed his thoughts were entertained only with the degree of favour
+which he promised himself from the squire on the success of this
+adventure.
+
+The servants, who were ordered to secure Adams and Joseph as safe as
+possible, that the squire might receive no interruption to his design on
+poor Fanny, immediately, by the poet's advice, tied Adams to one of the
+bed-posts, as they did Joseph on the other side, as soon as they could
+bring him to himself; and then, leaving them together, back to back, and
+desiring the host not to set them at liberty, nor to go near them, till
+he had further orders, they departed towards their master; but happened
+to take a different road from that which the captain had fallen into.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use in this
+history but to divert the reader._
+
+
+Before we proceed any farther in this tragedy we shall leave Mr Joseph
+and Mr Adams to themselves, and imitate the wise conductors of the
+stage, who in the midst of a grave action entertain you with some
+excellent piece of satire or humour called a dance. Which piece, indeed,
+is therefore danced, and not spoke, as it is delivered to the audience
+by persons whose thinking faculty is by most people held to lie in their
+heels; and to whom, as well as heroes, who think with their hands,
+Nature hath only given heads for the sake of conformity, and as they are
+of use in dancing, to hang their hats on.
+
+The poet, addressing the player, proceeded thus, "As I was saying" (for
+they had been at this discourse all the time of the engagement
+above-stairs), "the reason you have no good new plays is evident; it is
+from your discouragement of authors. Gentlemen will not write, sir, they
+will not write, without the expectation of fame or profit, or perhaps
+both. Plays are like trees, which will not grow without nourishment; but
+like mushrooms, they shoot up spontaneously, as it were, in a rich soil.
+The muses, like vines, may be pruned, but not with a hatchet. The town,
+like a peevish child, knows not what it desires, and is always best
+pleased with a rattle. A farce-writer hath indeed some chance for
+success: but they have lost all taste for the sublime. Though I believe
+one reason of their depravity is the badness of the actors. If a man
+writes like an angel, sir, those fellows know not how to give a
+sentiment utterance."--"Not so fast," says the player: "the modern
+actors are as good at least as their authors, nay, they come nearer
+their illustrious predecessors; and I expect a Booth on the stage again,
+sooner than a Shakespear or an Otway; and indeed I may turn your
+observation against you, and with truth say, that the reason no authors
+are encouraged is because we have no good new plays."--"I have not
+affirmed the contrary," said the poet; "but I am surprized you grow so
+warm; you cannot imagine yourself interested in this dispute; I hope you
+have a better opinion of my taste than to apprehend I squinted at
+yourself. No, sir, if we had six such actors as you, we should soon
+rival the Bettertons and Sandfords of former times; for, without a
+compliment to you, I think it impossible for any one to have excelled
+you in most of your parts. Nay, it is solemn truth, and I have heard
+many, and all great judges, express as much; and, you will pardon me if
+I tell you, I think every time I have seen you lately you have
+constantly acquired some new excellence, like a snowball. You have
+deceived me in my estimation of perfection, and have outdone what I
+thought inimitable."--"You are as little interested," answered the
+player, "in what I have said of other poets; for d--n me if there are
+not many strokes, ay, whole scenes, in your last tragedy, which at least
+equal Shakespear. There is a delicacy of sentiment, a dignity of
+expression in it, which I will own many of our gentlemen did not do
+adequate justice to. To confess the truth, they are bad enough, and I
+pity an author who is present at the murder of his works."--"Nay, it is
+but seldom that it can happen," returned the poet; "the works of most
+modern authors, like dead-born children, cannot be murdered. It is such
+wretched half-begotten, half-writ, lifeless, spiritless, low, grovelling
+stuff, that I almost pity the actor who is obliged to get it by heart,
+which must be almost as difficult to remember as words in a language you
+don't understand."--"I am sure," said the player, "if the sentences have
+little meaning when they are writ, when they are spoken they have less.
+I know scarce one who ever lays an emphasis right, and much less adapts
+his action to his character. I have seen a tender lover in an attitude
+of fighting with his mistress, and a brave hero suing to his enemy with
+his sword in his hand. I don't care to abuse my profession, but rot me
+if in my heart I am not inclined to the poet's side."--"It is rather
+generous in you than just," said the poet; "and, though I hate to speak
+ill of any person's production--nay, I never do it, nor will--but yet,
+to do justice to the actors, what could Booth or Betterton have made of
+such horrible stuff as Fenton's Mariamne, Frowd's Philotas, or Mallet's
+Eurydice; or those low, dirty, last-dying-speeches, which a fellow in
+the city of Wapping, your Dillo or Lillo, what was his name, called
+tragedies?"--"Very well," says the player; "and pray what do you think
+of such fellows as Quin and Delane, or that face-making puppy young
+Cibber, that ill-looked dog Macklin, or that saucy slut Mrs Clive? What
+work would they make with your Shakespears, Otways, and Lees? How would
+those harmonious lines of the last come from their tongues?--
+
+    "'--No more; for I disdain
+    All pomp when thou art by: far be the noise
+    Of kings and crowns from us, whose gentle souls
+    Our kinder fates have steer'd another way.
+    Free as the forest birds we'll pair together,
+    Without rememb'ring who our fathers were:
+    Fly to the arbors, grots, and flow'ry meads;
+    There in soft murmurs interchange our souls;
+    Together drink the crystal of the stream,
+    Or taste the yellow fruit which autumn yields,
+    And, when the golden evening calls us home,
+    Wing to our downy nests, and sleep till morn.'
+
+"Or how would this disdain of Otway--
+
+    "'Who'd be that foolish sordid thing call'd man?'"
+
+"Hold! hold! hold!" said the poet: "Do repeat that tender speech in the
+third act of my play which you made such a figure in."--"I would
+willingly," said the player, "but I have forgot it."--"Ay, you was not
+quite perfect in it when you played it," cries the poet, "or you would
+have had such an applause as was never given on the stage; an applause I
+was extremely concerned for your losing."--"Sure," says the player, "if
+I remember, that was hissed more than any passage in the whole
+play."--"Ay, your speaking it was hissed," said the poet.--"My speaking
+it!" said the player.--"I mean your not speaking it," said the poet.
+"You was out, and then they hissed."--"They hissed, and then I was out,
+if I remember," answered the player; "and I must say this for myself,
+that the whole audience allowed I did your part justice; so don't lay
+the damnation of your play to my account."--"I don't know what you mean
+by damnation," replied the poet.--"Why, you know it was acted but one
+night," cried the player.--"No," said the poet, "you and the whole town
+were enemies; the pit were all my enemies, fellows that would cut my
+throat, if the fear of hanging did not restrain them. All taylors, sir,
+all taylors."--"Why should the taylors be so angry with you?" cries the
+player. "I suppose you don't employ so many in making your clothes."--"I
+admit your jest," answered the poet; "but you remember the affair as
+well as myself; you know there was a party in the pit and upper gallery
+that would not suffer it to be given out again; though much, ay
+infinitely, the majority, all the boxes in particular, were desirous of
+it; nay, most of the ladies swore they never would come to the house
+till it was acted again. Indeed, I must own their policy was good in not
+letting it be given out a second time: for the rascals knew if it had
+gone a second night it would have run fifty; for if ever there was
+distress in a tragedy--I am not fond of my own performance; but if I
+should tell you what the best judges said of it--Nor was it entirely
+owing to my enemies neither that it did not succeed on the stage as well
+as it hath since among the polite readers; for you can't say it had
+justice done it by the performers."--"I think," answered the player,
+"the performers did the distress of it justice; for I am sure we were in
+distress enough, who were pelted with oranges all the last act: we all
+imagined it would have been the last act of our lives."
+
+The poet, whose fury was now raised, had just attempted to answer when
+they were interrupted, and an end put to their discourse, by an
+accident, which if the reader is impatient to know, he must skip over
+the next chapter, which is a sort of counterpart to this, and contains
+some of the best and gravest matters in the whole book, being a
+discourse between parson Abraham Adams and Mr Joseph Andrews.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in
+affliction; calculated for the instruction and improvement of the
+reader._
+
+
+Joseph no sooner came perfectly to himself than, perceiving his mistress
+gone, he bewailed her loss with groans which would have pierced any
+heart but those which are possessed by some people, and are made of a
+certain composition not unlike flint in its hardness and other
+properties; for you may strike fire from them, which will dart through
+the eyes, but they can never distil one drop of water the same way. His
+own, poor youth! was of a softer composition; and at those words, "O my
+dear Fanny! O my love! shall I never, never see thee more?" his eyes
+overflowed with tears, which would have become any but a hero. In a
+word, his despair was more easy to be conceived than related.
+
+Mr Adams, after many groans, sitting with his back to Joseph, began thus
+in a sorrowful tone: "You cannot imagine, my good child, that I entirely
+blame these first agonies of your grief; for, when misfortunes attack us
+by surprize, it must require infinitely more learning than you are
+master of to resist them; but it is the business of a man and a
+Christian to summon Reason as quickly as he can to his aid; and she will
+presently teach him patience and submission. Be comforted, therefore,
+child; I say be comforted. It is true, you have lost the prettiest,
+kindest, loveliest, sweetest young woman, one with whom you might have
+expected to have lived in happiness, virtue, and innocence; by whom you
+might have promised yourself many little darlings, who would have been
+the delight of your youth and the comfort of your age. You have not only
+lost her, but have reason to fear the utmost violence which lust and
+power can inflict upon her. Now, indeed, you may easily raise ideas of
+horror, which might drive you to despair."--"O I shall run mad!" cries
+Joseph. "O that I could but command my hands to tear my eyes out and my
+flesh off!"--"If you would use them to such purposes, I am glad you
+can't," answered Adams. "I have stated your misfortune as strong as I
+possibly can; but, on the other side, you are to consider you are a
+Christian, that no accident happens to us without the Divine permission,
+and that it is the duty of a man, and a Christian, to submit. We did not
+make ourselves; but the same power which made us rules over us, and we
+are absolutely at his disposal; he may do with us what he pleases, nor
+have we any right to complain. A second reason against our complaint is
+our ignorance; for, as we know not future events, so neither can we tell
+to what purpose any accident tends; and that which at first threatens us
+with evil may in the end produce our good. I should indeed have said our
+ignorance is twofold (but I have not at present time to divide
+properly), for, as we know not to what purpose any event is ultimately
+directed, so neither can we affirm from what cause it originally sprung.
+You are a man, and consequently a sinner; and this may be a punishment
+to you for your sins: indeed in this sense it may be esteemed as a good,
+yea, as the greatest good, which satisfies the anger of Heaven, and
+averts that wrath which cannot continue without our destruction.
+Thirdly, our impotency of relieving ourselves demonstrates the folly and
+absurdity of our complaints: for whom do we resist, or against whom do
+we complain, but a power from whose shafts no armour can guard us, no
+speed can fly?--a power which leaves us no hope but in submission." "O
+sir!" cried Joseph, "all this is very true, and very fine, and I could
+hear you all day if I was not so grieved at heart as now I am."--"Would
+you take physic," says Adams, "when you are well, and refuse it when you
+are sick? Is not comfort to be administered to the afflicted, and not to
+those who rejoice or those who are at ease?" "O! you have not spoken one
+word of comfort to me yet!" returned Joseph. "No!" cries Adams; "what am
+I then doing? what can I say to comfort you?" "O tell me," cries Joseph,
+"that Fanny will escape back to my arms, that they shall again enclose
+that lovely creature, with all her sweetness, all her untainted
+innocence about her!" "Why, perhaps you may," cries Adams, "but I can't
+promise you what's to come. You must, with perfect resignation, wait the
+event: if she be restored to you again, it is your duty to be thankful,
+and so it is if she be not. Joseph, if you are wise and truly know your
+own interest, you will peaceably and quietly submit to all the
+dispensations of Providence, being thoroughly assured that all the
+misfortunes, how great soever, which happen to the righteous, happen to
+them for their own good. Nay, it is not your interest only, but your
+duty, to abstain from immoderate grief; which if you indulge, you are
+not worthy the name of a Christian." He spoke these last words with an
+accent a little severer than usual; upon which Joseph begged him not to
+be angry, saying, he mistook him if he thought he denied it was his
+duty, for he had known that long ago. "What signifies knowing your duty,
+if you do not perform it?" answered Adams. "Your knowledge increases
+your guilt. O Joseph! I never thought you had this stubbornness in your
+mind." Joseph replied, "He fancied he misunderstood him; which I assure
+you," says he, "you do, if you imagine I endeavour to grieve; upon my
+soul I don't." Adams rebuked him for swearing, and then proceeded to
+enlarge on the folly of grief, telling him, all the wise men and
+philosophers, even among the heathens, had written against it, quoting
+several passages from Seneca, and the Consolation, which, though it was
+not Cicero's, was, he said, as good almost as any of his works; and
+concluded all by hinting that immoderate grief in this case might
+incense that power which alone could restore him his Fanny. This reason,
+or indeed rather the idea which it raised of the restoration of his
+mistress, had more effect than all which the parson had said before, and
+for a moment abated his agonies; but, when his fears sufficiently set
+before his eyes the danger that poor creature was in, his grief returned
+again with repeated violence, nor could Adams in the least asswage it;
+though it may be doubted in his behalf whether Socrates himself could
+have prevailed any better.
+
+They remained some time in silence, and groans and sighs issued from
+them both; at length Joseph burst out into the following soliloquy:--
+
+    "Yes, I will bear my sorrows like a man,
+    But I must also feel them as a man.
+    I cannot but remember such things were,
+    And were most dear to me."
+
+Adams asked him what stuff that was he repeated? To which he answered,
+they were some lines he had gotten by heart out of a play. "Ay, there is
+nothing but heathenism to be learned from plays," replied he. "I never
+heard of any plays fit for a Christian to read, but Cato and the
+Conscious Lovers; and, I must own, in the latter there are some things
+almost solemn enough for a sermon." But we shall now leave them a
+little, and enquire after the subject of their conversation.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize
+the reader._
+
+
+Neither the facetious dialogue which passed between the poet and the
+player, nor the grave and truly solemn discourse of Mr Adams, will, we
+conceive, make the reader sufficient amends for the anxiety which he
+must have felt on the account of poor Fanny, whom we left in so
+deplorable a condition. We shall therefore now proceed to the relation
+of what happened to that beautiful and innocent virgin, after she fell
+into the wicked hands of the captain.
+
+The man of war, having conveyed his charming prize out of the inn a
+little before day, made the utmost expedition in his power towards the
+squire's house, where this delicate creature was to be offered up a
+sacrifice to the lust of a ravisher. He was not only deaf to all her
+bewailings and entreaties on the road, but accosted her ears with
+impurities which, having been never before accustomed to them, she
+happily for herself very little understood. At last he changed his note,
+and attempted to soothe and mollify her, by setting forth the splendor
+and luxury which would be her fortune with a man who would have the
+inclination, and power too, to give her whatever her utmost wishes could
+desire; and told her he doubted not but she would soon look kinder on
+him, as the instrument of her happiness, and despise that pitiful fellow
+whom her ignorance only could make her fond of. She answered, she knew
+not whom he meant; she never was fond of any pitiful fellow. "Are you
+affronted, madam," says he, "at my calling him so? But what better can
+be said of one in a livery, notwithstanding your fondness for him?" She
+returned, that she did not understand him, that the man had been her
+fellow-servant, and she believed was as honest a creature as any alive;
+but as for fondness for men--"I warrant ye," cries the captain, "we
+shall find means to persuade you to be fond; and I advise you to yield
+to gentle ones, for you may be assured that it is not in your power, by
+any struggles whatever, to preserve your virginity two hours longer. It
+will be your interest to consent; for the squire will be much kinder to
+you if he enjoys you willingly than by force." At which words she began
+to call aloud for assistance (for it was now open day), but, finding
+none, she lifted her eyes to heaven, and supplicated the Divine
+assistance to preserve her innocence. The captain told her, if she
+persisted in her vociferation, he would find a means of stopping her
+mouth. And now the poor wretch, perceiving no hopes of succour,
+abandoned herself to despair, and, sighing out the name of Joseph!
+Joseph! a river of tears ran down her lovely cheeks, and wet the
+handkerchief which covered her bosom. A horseman now appeared in the
+road, upon which the captain threatened her violently if she complained;
+however, the moment they approached each other she begged him with the
+utmost earnestness to relieve a distressed creature who was in the hands
+of a ravisher. The fellow stopt at those words, but the captain assured
+him it was his wife, and that he was carrying her home from her
+adulterer, which so satisfied the fellow, who was an old one (and
+perhaps a married one too), that he wished him a good journey, and rode
+on. He was no sooner past than the captain abused her violently for
+breaking his commands, and threatened to gagg her, when two more
+horsemen, armed with pistols, came into the road just before them. She
+again solicited their assistance, and the captain told the same story as
+before. Upon which one said to the other, "That's a charming wench,
+Jack; I wish I had been in the fellow's place, whoever he is." But the
+other, instead of answering him, cried out, "Zounds, I know her;" and
+then, turning to her, said, "Sure you are not Fanny Goodwill?"--"Indeed,
+indeed, I am," she cried--"O John, I know you now-Heaven hath sent you
+to my assistance, to deliver me from this wicked man, who is carrying me
+away for his vile purposes--O for God's sake rescue me from him!" A
+fierce dialogue immediately ensued between the captain and these two
+men, who, being both armed with pistols, and the chariot which they
+attended being now arrived, the captain saw both force and stratagem
+were vain, and endeavoured to make his escape, in which however he could
+not succeed. The gentleman who rode in the chariot ordered it to stop,
+and with an air of authority examined into the merits of the cause; of
+which being advertised by Fanny, whose credit was confirmed by the
+fellow who knew her, he ordered the captain, who was all bloody from his
+encounter at the inn, to be conveyed as a prisoner behind the chariot,
+and very gallantly took Fanny into it; for, to say the truth, this
+gentleman (who was no other than the celebrated Mr Peter Pounce, and who
+preceded the Lady Booby only a few miles, by setting out earlier in the
+morning) was a very gallant person, and loved a pretty girl better than
+anything besides his own money or the money of other people.
+
+The chariot now proceeded towards the inn, which, as Fanny was informed,
+lay in their way, and where it arrived at that very time while the poet
+and player were disputing below-stairs, and Adams and Joseph were
+discoursing back to back above; just at that period to which we brought
+them both in the two preceding chapters the chariot stopt at the door,
+and in an instant Fanny, leaping from it, ran up to her Joseph.--O
+reader! conceive if thou canst the joy which fired the breasts of these
+lovers on this meeting; and if thy own heart doth not sympathetically
+assist thee in this conception, I pity thee sincerely from my own; for
+let the hard-hearted villain know this, that there is a pleasure in a
+tender sensation beyond any which he is capable of tasting.
+
+Peter, being informed by Fanny of the presence of Adams, stopt to see
+him, and receive his homage; for, as Peter was an hypocrite, a sort of
+people whom Mr Adams never saw through, the one paid that respect to his
+seeming goodness which the other believed to be paid to his riches;
+hence Mr Adams was so much his favourite, that he once lent him four
+pounds thirteen shillings and sixpence to prevent his going to gaol, on
+no greater security than a bond and judgment, which probably he would
+have made no use of, though the money had not been (as it was) paid
+exactly at the time.
+
+It is not perhaps easy to describe the figure of Adams; he had risen in
+such a hurry, that he had on neither breeches, garters, nor stockings;
+nor had he taken from his head a red spotted handkerchief, which by
+night bound his wig, turned inside out, around his head. He had on his
+torn cassock and his greatcoat; but, as the remainder of his cassock
+hung down below his greatcoat, so did a small stripe of white, or rather
+whitish, linen appear below that; to which we may add the several
+colours which appeared on his face, where a long piss-burnt beard served
+to retain the liquor of the stone-pot, and that of a blacker hue which
+distilled from the mop.--This figure, which Fanny had delivered from his
+captivity, was no sooner spied by Peter than it disordered the composed
+gravity of his muscles; however, he advised him immediately to make
+himself clean, nor would accept his homage in that pickle.
+
+The poet and player no sooner saw the captain in captivity than they
+began to consider of their own safety, of which flight presented itself
+as the only means; they therefore both of them mounted the poet's horse,
+and made the most expeditious retreat in their power.
+
+The host, who well knew Mr Pounce and Lady Booby's livery, was not a
+little surprized at this change of the scene; nor was his confusion much
+helped by his wife, who was now just risen, and, having heard from him
+the account of what had passed, comforted him with a decent number of
+fools and blockheads; asked him why he did not consult her, and told him
+he would never leave following the nonsensical dictates of his own
+numskull till she and her family were ruined.
+
+Joseph, being informed of the captain's arrival, and seeing his Fanny
+now in safety, quitted her a moment, and, running downstairs, went
+directly to him, and stripping off his coat, challenged him to fight;
+but the captain refused, saying he did not understand boxing. He then
+grasped a cudgel in one hand, and, catching the captain by the collar
+with the other, gave him a most severe drubbing, and ended with telling
+him he had now had some revenge for what his dear Fanny had suffered.
+
+When Mr Pounce had a little regaled himself with some provision which he
+had in his chariot, and Mr Adams had put on the best appearance his
+clothes would allow him, Pounce ordered the captain into his presence,
+for he said he was guilty of felony, and the next justice of peace
+should commit him; but the servants (whose appetite for revenge is soon
+satisfied), being sufficiently contented with the drubbing which Joseph
+had inflicted on him, and which was indeed of no very moderate kind, had
+suffered him to go off, which he did, threatening a severe revenge
+against Joseph, which I have never heard he thought proper to take.
+
+The mistress of the house made her voluntary appearance before Mr
+Pounce, and with a thousand curtsies told him, "She hoped his honour
+would pardon her husband, who was a very nonsense man, for the sake of
+his poor family; that indeed if he could be ruined alone, she should be
+very willing of it; for because as why, his worship very well knew he
+deserved it; but she had three poor small children, who were not capable
+to get their own living; and if her husband was sent to gaol, they must
+all come to the parish; for she was a poor weak woman, continually
+a-breeding, and had no time to work for them. She therefore hoped his
+honour would take it into his worship's consideration, and forgive her
+husband this time; for she was sure he never intended any harm to man,
+woman, or child; and if it was not for that block-head of his own, the
+man in some things was well enough; for she had had three children by
+him in less than three years, and was almost ready to cry out the fourth
+time." She would have proceeded in this manner much longer, had not
+Peter stopt her tongue, by telling her he had nothing to say to her
+husband nor her neither. So, as Adams and the rest had assured her of
+forgiveness, she cried and curtsied out of the room.
+
+Mr Pounce was desirous that Fanny should continue her journey with him
+in the chariot; but she absolutely refused, saying she would ride behind
+Joseph on a horse which one of Lady Booby's servants had equipped him
+with. But, alas! when the horse appeared, it was found to be no other
+than that identical beast which Mr Adams had left behind him at the inn,
+and which these honest fellows, who knew him, had redeemed. Indeed,
+whatever horse they had provided for Joseph, they would have prevailed
+with him to mount none, no, not even to ride before his beloved Fanny,
+till the parson was supplied; much less would he deprive his friend of
+the beast which belonged to him, and which he knew the moment he saw,
+though Adams did not; however, when he was reminded of the affair, and
+told that they had brought the horse with them which he left behind, he
+answered--Bless me! and so I did.
+
+Adams was very desirous that Joseph and Fanny should mount this horse,
+and declared he could very easily walk home. "If I walked alone," says
+he, "I would wage a shilling that the pedestrian outstripped the
+equestrian travellers; but, as I intend to take the company of a pipe,
+peradventure I may be an hour later." One of the servants whispered
+Joseph to take him at his word, and suffer the old put to walk if he
+would: this proposal was answered with an angry look and a peremptory
+refusal by Joseph, who, catching Fanny up in his arms, averred he would
+rather carry her home in that manner, than take away Mr Adams's horse
+and permit him to walk on foot.
+
+Perhaps, reader, thou hast seen a contest between two gentlemen, or two
+ladies, quickly decided, though they have both asserted they would not
+eat such a nice morsel, and each insisted on the other's accepting it;
+but in reality both were very desirous to swallow it themselves. Do not
+therefore conclude hence that this dispute would have come to a speedy
+decision: for here both parties were heartily in earnest, and it is very
+probable they would have remained in the inn-yard to this day, had not
+the good Peter Pounce put a stop to it; for, finding he had no longer
+hopes of satisfying his old appetite with Fanny, and being desirous of
+having some one to whom he might communicate his grandeur, he told the
+parson he would convey him home in his chariot. This favour was by
+Adams, with many bows and acknowledgments, accepted, though he
+afterwards said, "he ascended the chariot rather that he might not
+offend than from any desire of riding in it, for that in his heart he
+preferred the pedestrian even to the vehicular expedition." All matters
+being now settled, the chariot, in which rode Adams and Pounce, moved
+forwards; and Joseph having borrowed a pillion from the host, Fanny had
+just seated herself thereon, and had laid hold of the girdle which her
+lover wore for that purpose, when the wise beast, who concluded that one
+at a time was sufficient, that two to one were odds, &c., discovered
+much uneasiness at his double load, and began to consider his hinder as
+his fore legs, moving the direct contrary way to that which is called
+forwards. Nor could Joseph, with all his horsemanship, persuade him to
+advance; but, without having any regard to the lovely part of the lovely
+girl which was on his back, he used such agitations, that, had not one
+of the men come immediately to her assistance, she had, in plain
+English, tumbled backwards on the ground. This inconvenience was
+presently remedied by an exchange of horses; and then Fanny being again
+placed on her pillion, on a better-natured and somewhat a better-fed
+beast, the parson's horse, finding he had no longer odds to contend
+with, agreed to march; and the whole procession set forwards for
+Booby-hall, where they arrived in a few hours without anything
+remarkable happening on the road, unless it was a curious dialogue
+between the parson and the steward: which, to use the language of a late
+Apologist, a pattern to all biographers, "waits for the reader in the
+next chapter."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and Mr Peter
+Pounce, better worth reading than all the works of Colley Cibber and
+many others._
+
+
+The chariot had not proceeded far before Mr Adams observed it was a very
+fine day. "Ay, and a very fine country too," answered Pounce.--"I should
+think so more," returned Adams, "if I had not lately travelled over the
+Downs, which I take to exceed this and all other prospects in the
+universe."--"A fig for prospects!" answered Pounce; "one acre here is
+worth ten there; and for my own part, I have no delight in the prospect
+of any land but my own."--"Sir," said Adams, "you can indulge yourself
+with many fine prospects of that kind."--"I thank God I have a little,"
+replied the other, "with which I am content, and envy no man: I have a
+little, Mr Adams, with which I do as much good as I can." Adams
+answered, "That riches without charity were nothing worth; for that they
+were a blessing only to him who made them a blessing to others."--"You
+and I," said Peter, "have different notions of charity. I own, as it is
+generally used, I do not like the word, nor do I think it becomes one of
+us gentlemen; it is a mean parson-like quality; though I would not infer
+many parsons have it neither."--"Sir," said Adams, "my definition of
+charity is, a generous disposition to relieve the distressed."--"There
+is something in that definition," answered Peter, "which I like well
+enough; it is, as you say, a disposition, and does not so much consist
+in the act as in the disposition to do it. But, alas! Mr Adams, who are
+meant by the distressed? Believe me, the distresses of mankind are
+mostly imaginary, and it would be rather folly than goodness to relieve
+them."--"Sure, sir," replied Adams, "hunger and thirst, cold and
+nakedness, and other distresses which attend the poor, can never be said
+to be imaginary evils."--"How can any man complain of hunger," said
+Peter, "in a country where such excellent salads are to be gathered in
+almost every field? or of thirst, where every river and stream produces
+such delicious potations? And as for cold and nakedness, they are evils
+introduced by luxury and custom. A man naturally wants clothes no more
+than a horse or any other animal; and there are whole nations who go
+without them; but these are things perhaps which you, who do not know
+the world"--"You will pardon me, sir," returned Adams; "I have read of
+the Gymnosophists."--"A plague of your Jehosaphats!" cried Peter; "the
+greatest fault in our constitution is the provision made for the poor,
+except that perhaps made for some others. Sir, I have not an estate
+which doth not contribute almost as much again to the poor as to the
+land-tax; and I do assure you I expect to come myself to the parish in
+the end." To which Adams giving a dissenting smile, Peter thus
+proceeded: "I fancy, Mr Adams, you are one of those who imagine I am a
+lump of money; for there are many who, I fancy, believe that not only my
+pockets, but my whole clothes, are lined with bank-bills; but I assure
+you, you are all mistaken; I am not the man the world esteems me. If I
+can hold my head above water it is all I can. I have injured myself by
+purchasing. I have been too liberal of my money. Indeed, I fear my heir
+will find my affairs in a worse situation than they are reputed to be.
+Ah! he will have reason to wish I had loved money more and land less.
+Pray, my good neighbour, where should I have that quantity of riches the
+world is so liberal to bestow on me? Where could I possibly, without I
+had stole it, acquire such a treasure?" "Why, truly," says Adams, "I
+have been always of your opinion; I have wondered as well as yourself
+with what confidence they could report such things of you, which have to
+me appeared as mere impossibilities; for you know, sir, and I have often
+heard you say it, that your wealth is of your own acquisition; and can
+it be credible that in your short time you should have amassed such a
+heap of treasure as these people will have you worth? Indeed, had you
+inherited an estate like Sir Thomas Booby, which had descended in your
+family for many generations, they might have had a colour for their
+assertions." "Why, what do they say I am worth?" cries Peter, with a
+malicious sneer. "Sir," answered Adams, "I have heard some aver you are
+not worth less than twenty thousand pounds." At which Peter frowned.
+"Nay, sir," said Adams, "you ask me only the opinion of others; for my
+own part, I have always denied it, nor did I ever believe you could
+possibly be worth half that sum." "However, Mr Adams," said he,
+squeezing him by the hand, "I would not sell them all I am worth for
+double that sum; and as to what you believe, or they believe, I care not
+a fig, no not a fart. I am not poor because you think me so, nor because
+you attempt to undervalue me in the country. I know the envy of mankind
+very well; but I thank Heaven I am above them. It is true, my wealth is
+of my own acquisition. I have not an estate, like Sir Thomas Booby, that
+has descended in my family through many generations; but I know heirs of
+such estates who are forced to travel about the country like some people
+in torn cassocks, and might be glad to accept of a pitiful curacy for
+what I know. Yes, sir, as shabby fellows as yourself, whom no man of my
+figure, without that vice of good-nature about him, would suffer to ride
+in a chariot with him." "Sir," said Adams, "I value not your chariot of
+a rush; and if I had known you had intended to affront me, I would have
+walked to the world's end on foot ere I would have accepted a place in
+it. However, sir, I will soon rid you of that inconvenience;" and, so
+saying, he opened the chariot door, without calling to the coachman, and
+leapt out into the highway, forgetting to take his hat along with him;
+which, however, Mr Pounce threw after him with great violence. Joseph
+and Fanny stopt to bear him company the rest of the way, which was not
+above a mile.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK IV.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall._
+
+
+The coach and six, in which Lady Booby rode, overtook the other
+travellers as they entered the parish. She no sooner saw Joseph than her
+cheeks glowed with red, and immediately after became as totally pale.
+She had in her surprize almost stopt her coach; but recollected herself
+timely enough to prevent it. She entered the parish amidst the ringing
+of bells and the acclamations of the poor, who were rejoiced to see
+their patroness returned after so long an absence, during which time all
+her rents had been drafted to London, without a shilling being spent
+among them, which tended not a little to their utter impoverishing; for,
+if the court would be severely missed in such a city as London, how much
+more must the absence of a person of great fortune be felt in a little
+country village, for whose inhabitants such a family finds a constant
+employment and supply; and with the offals of whose table the infirm,
+aged, and infant poor are abundantly fed, with a generosity which hath
+scarce a visible effect on their benefactors' pockets!
+
+But, if their interest inspired so public a joy into every
+countenance, how much more forcibly did the affection which they bore
+parson Adams operate upon all who beheld his return! They flocked
+about him like dutiful children round an indulgent parent, and vyed
+with each other in demonstrations of duty and love. The parson on his
+side shook every one by the hand, enquired heartily after the healths
+of all that were absent, of their children, and relations; and exprest
+a satisfaction in his face which nothing but benevolence made happy by
+its objects could infuse.
+
+Nor did Joseph and Fanny want a hearty welcome from all who saw them. In
+short, no three persons could be more kindly received, as, indeed, none
+ever more deserved to be universally beloved.
+
+Adams carried his fellow-travellers home to his house, where he insisted
+on their partaking whatever his wife, whom, with his children, he found
+in health and joy, could provide:--where we shall leave them enjoying
+perfect happiness over a homely meal, to view scenes of greater
+splendour, but infinitely less bliss.
+
+Our more intelligent readers will doubtless suspect, by this second
+appearance of Lady Booby on the stage, that all was not ended by the
+dismission of Joseph; and, to be honest with them, they are in the
+right: the arrow had pierced deeper than she imagined; nor was the wound
+so easily to be cured. The removal of the object soon cooled her rage,
+but it had a different effect on her love; that departed with his
+person, but this remained lurking in her mind with his image. Restless,
+interrupted slumbers, and confused horrible dreams were her portion the
+first night. In the morning, fancy painted her a more delicious scene;
+but to delude, not delight her; for, before she could reach the promised
+happiness, it vanished, and left her to curse, not bless, the vision.
+
+She started from her sleep, her imagination being all on fire with the
+phantom, when, her eyes accidentally glancing towards the spot where
+yesterday the real Joseph had stood, that little circumstance raised his
+idea in the liveliest colours in her memory. Each look, each word, each
+gesture rushed back on her mind with charms which all his coldness could
+not abate. Nay, she imputed that to his youth, his folly, his awe, his
+religion, to everything but what would instantly have produced contempt,
+want of passion for the sex, or that which would have roused her hatred,
+want of liking to her.
+
+Reflection then hurried her farther, and told her she must see this
+beautiful youth no more; nay, suggested to her that she herself had
+dismissed him for no other fault than probably that of too violent an
+awe and respect for herself; and which she ought rather to have esteemed
+a merit, the effects of which were besides so easily and surely to have
+been removed; she then blamed, she cursed the hasty rashness of her
+temper; her fury was vented all on herself, and Joseph appeared innocent
+in her eyes. Her passion at length grew so violent, that it forced her
+on seeking relief, and now she thought of recalling him: but pride
+forbad that; pride, which soon drove all softer passions from her soul,
+and represented to her the meanness of him she was fond of. That thought
+soon began to obscure his beauties; contempt succeeded next, and then
+disdain, which presently introduced her hatred of the creature who had
+given her so much uneasiness. These enemies of Joseph had no sooner
+taken possession of her mind than they insinuated to her a thousand
+things in his disfavour; everything but dislike of her person; a thought
+which, as it would have been intolerable to bear, she checked the moment
+it endeavoured to arise. Revenge came now to her assistance; and she
+considered her dismission of him, stript, and without a character, with
+the utmost pleasure. She rioted in the several kinds of misery which her
+imagination suggested to her might be his fate; and, with a smile
+composed of anger, mirth, and scorn, viewed him in the rags in which her
+fancy had drest him.
+
+Mrs Slipslop, being summoned, attended her mistress, who had now in her
+own opinion totally subdued this passion. Whilst she was dressing she
+asked if that fellow had been turned away according to her orders.
+Slipslop answered, she had told her ladyship so (as indeed she
+had).--"And how did he behave?" replied the lady. "Truly, madam," cries
+Slipslop, "in such a manner that infected everybody who saw him. The
+poor lad had but little wages to receive; for he constantly allowed his
+father and mother half his income; so that, when your ladyship's livery
+was stript off, he had not wherewithal to buy a coat, and must have gone
+naked if one of the footmen had not incommodated him with one; and
+whilst he was standing in his shirt (and, to say truth, he was an
+amorous figure), being told your ladyship would not give him a
+character, he sighed, and said he had done nothing willingly to offend;
+that for his part, he should always give your ladyship a good character
+wherever he went; and he prayed God to bless you; for you was the best
+of ladies, though his enemies had set you against him. I wish you had
+not turned him away; for I believe you have not a faithfuller servant in
+the house."--"How came you then," replied the lady, "to advise me to
+turn him away?"--"I, madam!" said Slipslop; "I am sure you will do me
+the justice to say, I did all in my power to prevent it; but I saw your
+ladyship was angry; and it is not the business of us upper servants to
+hinterfear on these occasions." "And was it not you, audacious wretch!"
+cried the lady, "who made me angry? Was it not your tittle-tattle, in
+which I believe you belyed the poor fellow, which incensed me against
+him? He may thank you for all that hath happened; and so may I for the
+loss of a good servant, and one who probably had more merit than all of
+you. Poor fellow! I am charmed with his goodness to his parents. Why did
+not you tell me of that, but suffer me to dismiss so good a creature
+without a character? I see the reason of your whole behaviour now as
+well as your complaint; you was jealous of the wenches." "I jealous!"
+said Slipslop; "I assure you, I look upon myself as his betters; I am
+not meat for a footman, I hope." These words threw the lady into a
+violent passion, and she sent Slipslop from her presence, who departed,
+tossing her nose, and crying, "Marry, come up! there are some people
+more jealous than I, I believe." Her lady affected not to hear the
+words, though in reality she did, and understood them too. Now ensued a
+second conflict, so like the former, that it might savour of repetition
+to relate it minutely. It may suffice to say that Lady Booby found good
+reason to doubt whether she had so absolutely conquered her passion as
+she had flattered herself; and, in order to accomplish it quite, took a
+resolution, more common than wise, to retire immediately into the
+country. The reader hath long ago seen the arrival of Mrs Slipslop, whom
+no pertness could make her mistress resolve to part with; lately, that
+of Mr Pounce, her forerunners; and, lastly, that of the lady herself.
+
+The morning after her arrival being Sunday, she went to church, to the
+great surprize of everybody, who wondered to see her ladyship, being no
+very constant church-woman, there so suddenly upon her journey. Joseph
+was likewise there; and I have heard it was remarked that she fixed her
+eyes on him much more than on the parson; but this I believe to be only
+a malicious rumour. When the prayers were ended Mr Adams stood up, and
+with a loud voice pronounced, "I publish the banns of marriage between
+Joseph Andrews and Frances Goodwill, both of this parish," &c. Whether
+this had any effect on Lady Booby or no, who was then in her pew, which
+the congregation could not see into, I could never discover: but
+certain it is that in about a quarter of an hour she stood up, and
+directed her eyes to that part of the church where the women sat, and
+persisted in looking that way during the remainder of the sermon in so
+scrutinizing a manner, and with so angry a countenance, that most of
+the women were afraid she was offended at them. The moment she returned
+home she sent for Slipslop into her chamber, and told her she wondered
+what that impudent fellow Joseph did in that parish? Upon which
+Slipslop gave her an account of her meeting Adams with him on the road,
+and likewise the adventure with Fanny. At the relation of which the
+lady often changed her countenance; and when she had heard all, she
+ordered Mr Adams into her presence, to whom she behaved as the reader
+will see in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby._
+
+
+Mr Adams was not far off, for he was drinking her ladyship's health
+below in a cup of her ale. He no sooner came before her than she began
+in the following manner: "I wonder, sir, after the many great
+obligations you have had to this family" (with all which the reader hath
+in the course of this history been minutely acquainted), "that you will
+ungratefully show any respect to a fellow who hath been turned out of it
+for his misdeeds. Nor doth it, I can tell you, sir, become a man of your
+character, to run about the country with an idle fellow and wench.
+Indeed, as for the girl, I know no harm of her. Slipslop tells me she
+was formerly bred up in my house, and behaved as she ought, till she
+hankered after this fellow, and he spoiled her. Nay, she may still,
+perhaps, do very well, if he will let her alone. You are, therefore,
+doing a monstrous thing in endeavouring to procure a match between these
+two people, which will be to the ruin of them both."--"Madam," said
+Adams, "if your ladyship will but hear me speak, I protest I never heard
+any harm of Mr Joseph Andrews; if I had, I should have corrected him for
+it; for I never have, nor will, encourage the faults of those under my
+care. As for the young woman, I assure your ladyship I have as good an
+opinion of her as your ladyship yourself or any other can have. She is
+the sweetest-tempered, honestest, worthiest young creature; indeed, as
+to her beauty, I do not commend her on that account, though all men
+allow she is the handsomest woman, gentle or simple, that ever appeared
+in the parish."--"You are very impertinent," says she, "to talk such
+fulsome stuff to me. It is mighty becoming truly in a clergyman to
+trouble himself about handsome women, and you are a delicate judge of
+beauty, no doubt. A man who hath lived all his life in such a parish as
+this is a rare judge of beauty! Ridiculous! beauty indeed! a country
+wench a beauty! I shall be sick whenever I hear beauty mentioned again.
+And so this wench is to stock the parish with beauties, I hope. But,
+sir, our poor is numerous enough already; I will have no more vagabonds
+settled here."--"Madam," says Adams, "your ladyship is offended with me,
+I protest, without any reason. This couple were desirous to consummate
+long ago, and I dissuaded them from it; nay, I may venture to say, I
+believe I was the sole cause of their delaying it."--"Well," says she,
+"and you did very wisely and honestly too, notwithstanding she is the
+greatest beauty in the parish."--"And now, madam," continued he, "I only
+perform my office to Mr Joseph."--"Pray, don't mister such fellows to
+me," cries the lady. "He," said the parson, "with the consent of Fanny,
+before my face, put in the banns." "Yes," answered the lady, "I suppose
+the slut is forward enough; Slipslop tells me how her head runs upon
+fellows; that is one of her beauties, I suppose. But if they have put in
+the banns, I desire you will publish them no more without my
+orders."--"Madam," cries Adams, "if any one puts in a sufficient
+caution, and assigns a proper reason against them, I am willing to
+surcease."--"I tell you a reason," says she: "he is a vagabond, and he
+shall not settle here, and bring a nest of beggars into the parish; it
+will make us but little amends that they will be beauties."--"Madam,"
+answered Adams, "with the utmost submission to your ladyship, I have been
+informed by lawyer Scout that any person who serves a year gains a
+settlement in the parish where he serves."--"Lawyer Scout," replied the
+lady, "is an impudent coxcomb; I will have no lawyer Scout interfere
+with me. I repeat to you again, I will have no more incumbrances brought
+on us: so I desire you will proceed no farther."--"Madam," returned
+Adams, "I would obey your ladyship in everything that is lawful; but
+surely the parties being poor is no reason against their marrying. God
+forbid there should be any such law! The poor have little share enough
+of this world already; it would be barbarous indeed to deny them the
+common privileges and innocent enjoyments which nature indulges to the
+animal creation."--"Since you understand yourself no better," cries the
+lady, "nor the respect due from such as you to a woman of my
+distinction, than to affront my ears by such loose discourse, I shall
+mention but one short word; it is my orders to you that you publish
+these banns no more; and if you dare, I will recommend it to your
+master, the doctor, to discard you from his service. I will, sir,
+notwithstanding your poor family; and then you and the greatest beauty
+in the parish may go and beg together."--"Madam," answered Adams, "I
+know not what your ladyship means by the terms master and service. I am
+in the service of a Master who will never discard me for doing my duty;
+and if the doctor (for indeed I have never been able to pay for a
+licence) thinks proper to turn me from my cure, God will provide me, I
+hope, another. At least, my family, as well as myself, have hands; and
+he will prosper, I doubt not, our endeavours to get our bread honestly
+with them. Whilst my conscience is pure, I shall never fear what man can
+do unto me."--"I condemn my humility," said the lady, "for demeaning
+myself to converse with you so long. I shall take other measures; for I
+see you are a confederate with them. But the sooner you leave me the
+better; and I shall give orders that my doors may no longer be open to
+you. I will suffer no parsons who run about the country with beauties to
+be entertained here."--"Madam," said Adams, "I shall enter into no
+persons' doors against their will; but I am assured, when you have
+enquired farther into this matter, you will applaud, not blame, my
+proceeding; and so I humbly take my leave:" which he did with many bows,
+or at least many attempts at a bow.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout._
+
+
+In the afternoon the lady sent for Mr Scout, whom she attacked most
+violently for intermeddling with her servants, which he denied, and
+indeed with truth, for he had only asserted accidentally, and perhaps
+rightly, that a year's service gained a settlement; and so far he owned
+he might have formerly informed the parson and believed it was law. "I
+am resolved," said the lady, "to have no discarded servants of mine
+settled here; and so, if this be your law, I shall send to another
+lawyer." Scout said, "If she sent to a hundred lawyers, not one or all
+of them could alter the law. The utmost that was in the power of a
+lawyer was to prevent the law's taking effect; and that he himself could
+do for her ladyship as well as any other; and I believe," says he,
+"madam, your ladyship, not being conversant in these matters, hath
+mistaken a difference; for I asserted only that a man who served a year
+was settled. Now there is a material difference between being settled in
+law and settled in fact; and as I affirmed generally he was settled, and
+law is preferable to fact, my settlement must be understood in law and
+not in fact. And suppose, madam, we admit he was settled in law, what
+use will they make of it? how doth that relate to fact? He is not
+settled in fact; and if he be not settled in fact, he is not an
+inhabitant; and if he is not an inhabitant, he is not of this parish;
+and then undoubtedly he ought not to be published here; for Mr Adams
+hath told me your ladyship's pleasure, and the reason, which is a very
+good one, to prevent burdening us with the poor; we have too many
+already, and I think we ought to have an act to hang or transport half
+of them. If we can prove in evidence that he is not settled in fact, it
+is another matter. What I said to Mr Adams was on a supposition that he
+was settled in fact; and indeed, if that was the case, I should
+doubt."--"Don't tell me your facts and your ifs," said the lady; "I
+don't understand your gibberish; you take too much upon you, and are
+very impertinent, in pretending to direct in this parish; and you shall
+be taught better, I assure you, you shall. But as to the wench, I am
+resolved she shall not settle here; I will not suffer such beauties as
+these to produce children for us to keep."--"Beauties, indeed! your
+ladyship is pleased to be merry," answered Scout.--"Mr Adams described
+her so to me," said the lady. "Pray, what sort of dowdy is it, Mr
+Scout?"--"The ugliest creature almost I ever beheld; a poor dirty drab,
+your ladyship never saw such a wretch."--"Well, but, dear Mr Scout, let
+her be what she will, these ugly women will bring children, you know; so
+that we must prevent the marriage."--"True, madam," replied Scout, "for
+the subsequent marriage co-operating with the law will carry law into
+fact. When a man is married he is settled in fact, and then he is not
+removable. I will see Mr Adams, and I make no doubt of prevailing with
+him. His only objection is, doubtless, that he shall lose his fee; but
+that being once made easy, as it shall be, I am confident no farther
+objection will remain. No, no, it is impossible; but your ladyship can't
+discommend his unwillingness to depart from his fee. Every man ought to
+have a proper value for his fee. As to the matter in question, if your
+ladyship pleases to employ me in it, I will venture to promise you
+success. The laws of this land are not so vulgar to permit a mean fellow
+to contend with one of your ladyship's fortune. We have one sure card,
+which is, to carry him before Justice Frolick, who, upon hearing your
+ladyship's name, will commit him without any farther questions. As for
+the dirty slut, we shall have nothing to do with her; for, if we get rid
+of the fellow, the ugly jade will--"--"Take what measures you please,
+good Mr Scout," answered the lady: "but I wish you could rid the parish
+of both; for Slipslop tells me such stories of this wench, that I abhor
+the thoughts of her; and, though you say she is such an ugly slut, yet
+you know, dear Mr Scout, these forward creatures, who run after men,
+will always find some as forward as themselves; so that, to prevent the
+increase of beggars, we must get rid of her."--"Your ladyship is very
+much in the right," answered Scout; "but I am afraid the law is a little
+deficient in giving us any such power of prevention; however, the
+justice will stretch it as far as he is able, to oblige your ladyship.
+To say truth, it is a great blessing to the country that he is in the
+commission, for he hath taken several poor off our hands that the law
+would never lay hold on. I know some justices who think as much of
+committing a man to Bridewell as his lordship at 'size would of hanging
+him; but it would do a man good to see his worship, our justice, commit
+a fellow to Bridewell, he takes so much pleasure in it; and when once we
+ha'um there, we seldom hear any more o'um. He's either starved or eat up
+by vermin in a month's time."--Here the arrival of a visitor put an end
+to the conversation, and Mr Scout, having undertaken the cause and
+promised it success, departed.
+
+This Scout was one of those fellows who, without any knowledge of the
+law, or being bred to it, take upon them, in defiance of an act of
+Parliament, to act as lawyers in the country, and are called so. They
+are the pests of society, and a scandal to a profession, to which indeed
+they do not belong, and which owes to such kind of rascallions the
+ill-will which weak persons bear towards it. With this fellow, to whom a
+little before she would not have condescended to have spoken, did a
+certain passion for Joseph, and the jealousy and the disdain of poor
+innocent Fanny, betray the Lady Booby into a familiar discourse, in
+which she inadvertently confirmed many hints with which Slipslop, whose
+gallant he was, had pre-acquainted him; and whence he had taken an
+opportunity to assert those severe falsehoods of little Fanny which
+possibly the reader might not have been well able to account for if we
+had not thought proper to give him this information.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the arrival of
+Mr Booby and his lady._
+
+
+All that night, and the next day, the Lady Booby past with the utmost
+anxiety; her mind was distracted and her soul tossed up and down by many
+turbulent and opposite passions. She loved, hated, pitied, scorned,
+admired, despised the same person by fits, which changed in a very short
+interval. On Tuesday morning, which happened to be a holiday, she went
+to church, where, to her surprize, Mr Adams published the banns again
+with as audible a voice as before. It was lucky for her that, as there
+was no sermon, she had an immediate opportunity of returning home to
+vent her rage, which she could not have concealed from the congregation
+five minutes; indeed, it was not then very numerous, the assembly
+consisting of no more than Adams, his clerk, his wife, the lady, and one
+of her servants. At her return she met Slipslop, who accosted her in
+these words:--"O meam, what doth your ladyship think? To be sure, lawyer
+Scout hath carried Joseph and Fanny both before the justice. All the
+parish are in tears, and say they will certainly be hanged; for nobody
+knows what it is for"--"I suppose they deserve it," says the lady.
+"What! dost thou mention such wretches to me?"--"O dear madam," answered
+Slipslop, "is it not a pity such a graceless young man should die a
+virulent death? I hope the judge will take commensuration on his youth.
+As for Fanny, I don't think it signifies much what becomes of her; and
+if poor Joseph hath done anything, I could venture to swear she traduced
+him to it: few men ever come to a fragrant punishment, but by those
+nasty creatures, who are a scandal to our sect." The lady was no more
+pleased at this news, after a moment's reflection, than Slipslop
+herself; for, though she wished Fanny far enough, she did not desire the
+removal of Joseph, especially with her. She was puzzled how to act or
+what to say on this occasion, when a coach and six drove into the court,
+and a servant acquainted her with the arrival of her nephew Booby and
+his lady. She ordered them to be conducted into a drawing-room, whither
+she presently repaired, having composed her countenance as well as she
+could, and being a little satisfied that the wedding would by these
+means be at least interrupted, and that she should have an opportunity
+to execute any resolution she might take, for which she saw herself
+provided with an excellent instrument in Scout.
+
+The Lady Booby apprehended her servant had made a mistake when he
+mentioned Mr Booby's lady; for she had never heard of his marriage: but
+how great was her surprize when, at her entering the room, her nephew
+presented his wife to her; saying, "Madam, this is that charming Pamela,
+of whom I am convinced you have heard so much." The lady received her
+with more civility than he expected; indeed with the utmost; for she was
+perfectly polite, nor had any vice inconsistent with good-breeding. They
+past some little time in ordinary discourse, when a servant came and
+whispered Mr Booby, who presently told the ladies he must desert them a
+little on some business of consequence; and, as their discourse during
+his absence would afford little improvement or entertainment to the
+reader, we will leave them for a while to attend Mr Booby.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_Containing justice business; curious precedents of depositions, and
+other matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace and
+their clerks._
+
+
+The young squire and his lady were no sooner alighted from their coach
+than the servants began to inquire after Mr Joseph, from whom they said
+their lady had not heard a word, to her great surprize, since he had
+left Lady Booby's. Upon this they were instantly informed of what had
+lately happened, with which they hastily acquainted their master, who
+took an immediate resolution to go himself, and endeavour to restore his
+Pamela her brother, before she even knew she had lost him.
+
+The justice before whom the criminals were carried, and who lived within
+a short mile of the lady's house, was luckily Mr Booby's acquaintance,
+by his having an estate in his neighbourhood. Ordering therefore his
+horses to his coach, he set out for the judgment-seat, and arrived when
+the justice had almost finished his business. He was conducted into a
+hall, where he was acquainted that his worship would wait on him in a
+moment; for he had only a man and a woman to commit to Bridewell first.
+As he was now convinced he had not a minute to lose, he insisted on the
+servant's introducing him directly into the room where the justice was
+then executing his office, as he called it. Being brought thither, and
+the first compliments being passed between the squire and his worship,
+the former asked the latter what crime those two young people had been
+guilty of? "No great crime," answered the justice; "I have only ordered
+them to Bridewell for a month." "But what is their crime?" repeated the
+squire. "Larceny, an't please your honour," said Scout. "Ay," says the
+justice, "a kind of felonious larcenous thing. I believe I must order
+them a little correction too, a little stripping and whipping." (Poor
+Fanny, who had hitherto supported all with the thoughts of Joseph's
+company, trembled at that sound; but, indeed, without reason, for none
+but the devil himself would have executed such a sentence on her.)
+"Still," said the squire, "I am ignorant of the crime--the fact I mean."
+"Why, there it is in peaper," answered the justice, showing him a
+deposition which, in the absence of his clerk, he had writ himself, of
+which we have with great difficulty procured an authentic copy; and here
+it follows _verbatim et literatim:_--
+
+    _The depusition of James Scout, layer, and Thomas Trotter,
+    yeoman, taken before mee, one of his magesty's justasses of the
+    piece for Zumersetshire._
+
+    "These deponants saith, and first Thomas Trotter for himself
+    saith, that on the -- of this instant October, being
+    Sabbath-day, betwin the ours of 2 and 4 in the afternoon, he
+    zeed Joseph Andrews and Francis Goodwill walk akross a certane
+    felde belunging to layer Scout, and out of the path which ledes
+    thru the said felde, and there he zede Joseph Andrews with a
+    nife cut one hassel twig, of the value, as he believes, of
+    three half-pence, or thereabouts; and he saith that the said
+    Francis Goodwill was likewise walking on the grass out of the
+    said path in the said felde, and did receive and karry in her
+    hand the said twig, and so was cumfarting, eading, and abatting
+    to the said Joseph therein. And the said James Scout for
+    himself says that he verily believes the said twig to be his
+    own proper twig," &c.
+
+"Jesu!" said the squire, "would you commit two persons to Bridewell for
+a twig?" "Yes," said the lawyer, "and with great lenity too; for if we
+had called it a young tree, they would have been both hanged." "Harkee,"
+says the justice, taking aside the squire; "I should not have been so
+severe on this occasion, but Lady Booby desires to get them out of the
+parish; so lawyer Scout will give the constable orders to let them run
+away, if they please: but it seems they intend to marry together, and
+the lady hath no other means, as they are legally settled there, to
+prevent their bringing an incumbrance on her own parish." "Well," said
+the squire, "I will take care my aunt shall be satisfied in this point;
+and likewise I promise you, Joseph here shall never be any incumbrance
+on her. I shall be obliged to you, therefore, if, instead of Bridewell,
+you will commit them to my custody." "O! to be sure, sir, if you desire
+it," answered the justice; and without more ado Joseph and Fanny were
+delivered over to Squire Booby, whom Joseph very well knew, but little
+guessed how nearly he was related to him. The justice burnt his
+mittimus, the constable was sent about his business, the lawyer made no
+complaint for want of justice; and the prisoners, with exulting hearts,
+gave a thousand thanks to his honour Mr Booby; who did not intend their
+obligations to him should cease here; for, ordering his man to produce a
+cloak-bag, which he had caused to be brought from Lady Booby's on
+purpose, he desired the justice that he might have Joseph with him into
+a room; where, ordering his servant to take out a suit of his own
+clothes, with linnen and other necessaries, he left Joseph to dress
+himself, who, not yet knowing the cause of all this civility, excused
+his accepting such a favour as long as decently he could. Whilst Joseph
+was dressing, the squire repaired to the justice, whom he found talking
+with Fanny; for, during the examination, she had flopped her hat over
+her eyes, which were also bathed in tears, and had by that means
+concealed from his worship what might perhaps have rendered the arrival
+of Mr Booby unnecessary, at least for herself. The justice no sooner saw
+her countenance cleared up, and her bright eyes shining through her
+tears, than he secretly cursed himself for having once thought of
+Bridewell for her. He would willingly have sent his own wife thither, to
+have had Fanny in her place. And, conceiving almost at the same instant
+desires and schemes to accomplish them, he employed the minutes whilst
+the squire was absent with Joseph in assuring her how sorry he was for
+having treated her so roughly before he knew her merit; and told her,
+that since Lady Booby was unwilling that she should settle in her
+parish, she was heartily welcome to his, where he promised her his
+protection, adding that he would take Joseph and her into his own
+family, if she liked it; which assurance he confirmed with a squeeze by
+the hand. She thanked him very kindly, and said, "She would acquaint
+Joseph with the offer, which he would certainly be glad to accept; for
+that Lady Booby was angry with them both; though she did not know either
+had done anything to offend her, but imputed it to Madam Slipslop, who
+had always been her enemy."
+
+The squire now returned, and prevented any farther continuance of this
+conversation; and the justice, out of a pretended respect to his guest,
+but in reality from an apprehension of a rival (for he knew nothing of
+his marriage), ordered Fanny into the kitchen, whither she gladly
+retired; nor did the squire, who declined the trouble of explaining the
+whole matter, oppose it.
+
+It would be unnecessary, if I was able, which indeed I am not, to
+relate the conversation between these two gentlemen, which rolled, as
+I have been informed, entirely on the subject of horse-racing. Joseph
+was soon drest in the plainest dress he could find, which was a blue
+coat and breeches, with a gold edging, and a red waistcoat with the
+same: and as this suit, which was rather too large for the squire,
+exactly fitted him, so he became it so well, and looked so genteel,
+that no person would have doubted its being as well adapted to his
+quality as his shape; nor have suspected, as one might, when my Lord
+----, or Sir ----, or Mr ----, appear in lace or embroidery, that the
+taylor's man wore those clothes home on his back which he should have
+carried under his arm.
+
+The squire now took leave of the justice; and, calling for Fanny, made
+her and Joseph, against their wills, get into the coach with him, which
+he then ordered to drive to Lady Booby's. It had moved a few yards only,
+when the squire asked Joseph if he knew who that man was crossing the
+field; for, added he, I never saw one take such strides before. Joseph
+answered eagerly, "O, sir, it is parson Adams!" "O la, indeed, and so it
+is," said Fanny; "poor man, he is coming to do what he could for us.
+Well, he is the worthiest, best-natured creature."--"Ay," said Joseph;
+"God bless him! for there is not such another in the universe." "The
+best creature living sure," cries Fanny. "Is he?" says the squire; "then
+I am resolved to have the best creature living in my coach;" and so
+saying, he ordered it to stop, whilst Joseph, at his request, hallowed
+to the parson, who, well knowing his voice, made all the haste
+imaginable, and soon came up with them. He was desired by the master,
+who could scarce refrain from laughter at his figure, to mount into the
+coach, which he with many thanks refused, saying he could walk by its
+side, and he'd warrant he kept up with it; but he was at length
+over-prevailed on. The squire now acquainted Joseph with his marriage;
+but he might have spared himself that labour; for his servant, whilst
+Joseph was dressing, had performed that office before. He continued to
+express the vast happiness he enjoyed in his sister, and the value he
+had for all who belonged to her. Joseph made many bows, and exprest as
+many acknowledgments: and parson Adams, who now first perceived Joseph's
+new apparel, burst into tears with joy, and fell to rubbing his hands
+and snapping his fingers as if he had been mad.
+
+They were now arrived at the Lady Booby's, and the squire, desiring them
+to wait a moment in the court, walked in to his aunt, and calling her
+out from his wife, acquainted her with Joseph's arrival; saying, "Madam,
+as I have married a virtuous and worthy woman, I am resolved to own her
+relations, and show them all a proper respect; I shall think myself
+therefore infinitely obliged to all mine who will do the same. It is
+true, her brother hath been your servant, but he is now become my
+brother; and I have one happiness, that neither his character, his
+behaviour, or appearance, give me any reason to be ashamed of calling
+him so. In short, he is now below, dressed like a gentleman, in which
+light I intend he shall hereafter be seen; and you will oblige me beyond
+expression if you will admit him to be of our party; for I know it will
+give great pleasure to my wife, though she will not mention it."
+
+This was a stroke of fortune beyond the Lady Booby's hopes or
+expectation; she answered him eagerly, "Nephew, you know how easily I am
+prevailed on to do anything which Joseph Andrews desires--Phoo, I mean
+which you desire me; and, as he is now your relation, I cannot refuse to
+entertain him as such." The squire told her he knew his obligation to
+her for her compliance; and going three steps, returned and told her--he
+had one more favour, which he believed she would easily grant, as she
+had accorded him the former. "There is a young woman--"--"Nephew," says
+she, "don't let my good-nature make you desire, as is too commonly the
+case, to impose on me. Nor think, because I have with so much
+condescension agreed to suffer your brother-in-law to come to my table,
+that I will submit to the company of all my own servants, and all the
+dirty trollops in the country." "Madam," answered the squire, "I believe
+you never saw this young creature. I never beheld such sweetness and
+innocence joined with such beauty, and withal so genteel." "Upon my soul
+I won't admit her," replied the lady in a passion; "the whole world
+shan't prevail on me; I resent even the desire as an affront, and--" The
+squire, who knew her inflexibility, interrupted her, by asking pardon,
+and promising not to mention it more. He then returned to Joseph, and
+she to Pamela. He took Joseph aside, and told him he would carry him to
+his sister, but could not prevail as yet for Fanny. Joseph begged that
+he might see his sister alone, and then be with his Fanny; but the
+squire, knowing the pleasure his wife would have in her brother's
+company, would not admit it, telling Joseph there would be nothing in so
+short an absence from Fanny, whilst he was assured of her safety;
+adding, he hoped he could not so easily quit a sister whom he had not
+seen so long, and who so tenderly loved him. Joseph immediately
+complied; for indeed no brother could love a sister more; and,
+recommending Fanny, who rejoiced that she was not to go before Lady
+Booby, to the care of Mr Adams, he attended the squire upstairs, whilst
+Fanny repaired with the parson to his house, where she thought herself
+secure of a kind reception.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_Of which you are desired to read no more than you like._
+
+
+The meeting between Joseph and Pamela was not without tears of joy on
+both sides; and their embraces were full of tenderness and affection.
+They were, however, regarded with much more pleasure by the nephew than
+by the aunt, to whose flame they were fuel only; and this was increased
+by the addition of dress, which was indeed not wanted to set off the
+lively colours in which Nature had drawn health, strength, comeliness,
+and youth. In the afternoon Joseph, at their request, entertained them
+with an account of his adventures: nor could Lady Booby conceal her
+dissatisfaction at those parts in which Fanny was concerned, especially
+when Mr Booby launched forth into such rapturous praises of her beauty.
+She said, applying to her niece, that she wondered her nephew, who had
+pretended to marry for love, should think such a subject proper to
+amuse his wife with; adding, that, for her part, she should be jealous
+of a husband who spoke so warmly in praise of another woman. Pamela
+answered, indeed, she thought she had cause; but it was an instance of
+Mr Booby's aptness to see more beauty in women than they were
+mistresses of. At which words both the women fixed their eyes on two
+looking-glasses; and Lady Booby replied, that men were, in the general,
+very ill judges of beauty; and then, whilst both contemplated only
+their own faces, they paid a cross compliment to each other's charms.
+When the hour of rest approached, which the lady of the house deferred
+as long as decently she could, she informed Joseph (whom for the future
+we shall call Mr Joseph, he having as good a title to that appellation
+as many others--I mean that incontested one of good clothes) that she
+had ordered a bed to be provided for him. He declined this favour to
+his utmost; for his heart had long been with his Fanny; but she
+insisted on his accepting it, alledging that the parish had no proper
+accommodation for such a person as he was now to esteem himself. The
+squire and his lady both joining with her, Mr Joseph was at last forced
+to give over his design of visiting Fanny that evening; who, on her
+side, as impatiently expected him till midnight, when, in complacence
+to Mr Adams's family, who had sat up two hours out of respect to her,
+she retired to bed, but not to sleep; the thoughts of her love kept her
+waking, and his not returning according to his promise filled her with
+uneasiness; of which, however, she could not assign any other cause
+than merely that of being absent from him.
+
+Mr Joseph rose early in the morning, and visited her in whom his soul
+delighted. She no sooner heard his voice in the parson's parlour than
+she leapt from her bed, and, dressing herself in a few minutes, went
+down to him. They passed two hours with inexpressible happiness
+together; and then, having appointed Monday, by Mr Adams's permission,
+for their marriage, Mr Joseph returned, according to his promise, to
+breakfast at the Lady Booby's, with whose behaviour, since the evening,
+we shall now acquaint the reader.
+
+She was no sooner retired to her chamber than she asked Slipslop "What
+she thought of this wonderful creature her nephew had married?"--
+"Madam?" said Slipslop, not yet sufficiently understanding what answer
+she was to make. "I ask you," answered the lady, "what you think of the
+dowdy, my niece, I think I am to call her?" Slipslop, wanting no further
+hint, began to pull her to pieces, and so miserably defaced her, that it
+would have been impossible for any one to have known the person. The
+lady gave her all the assistance she could, and ended with saying, "I
+think, Slipslop, you have done her justice; but yet, bad as she is, she
+is an angel compared to this Fanny." Slipslop then fell on Fanny, whom
+she hacked and hewed in the like barbarous manner, concluding with an
+observation that there was always something in those low-life creatures
+which must eternally extinguish them from their betters. "Really," said
+the lady, "I think there is one exception to your rule; I am certain you
+may guess who I mean."--"Not I, upon my word, madam," said Slipslop. "I
+mean a young fellow; sure you are the dullest wretch," said the lady. "O
+la! I am indeed. Yes, truly, madam, he is an accession," answered
+Slipslop. "Ay, is he not, Slipslop?" returned the lady. "Is he not so
+genteel that a prince might, without a blush, acknowledge him for his
+son? His behaviour is such that would not shame the best education. He
+borrows from his station a condescension in everything to his superiors,
+yet unattended by that mean servility which is called good behaviour in
+such persons. Everything he doth hath no mark of the base motive of
+fear, but visibly shows some respect and gratitude, and carries with it
+the persuasion of love. And then for his virtues: such piety to his
+parents, such tender affection to his sister, such integrity in his
+friendship, such bravery, such goodness, that, if he had been born a
+gentleman, his wife would have possessed the most invaluable
+blessing."--"To be sure, ma'am," says Slipslop. "But as he is," answered
+the lady, "if he had a thousand more good qualities, it must render a
+woman of fashion contemptible even to be suspected of thinking of him;
+yes, I should despise myself for such a thought."--"To be sure, ma'am,"
+said Slipslop. "And why to be sure?" replied the lady; "thou art always
+one's echo. Is he not more worthy of affection than a dirty country
+clown, though born of a family as old as the flood? or an idle worthless
+rake, or little puisny beau of quality? And yet these we must condemn
+ourselves to, in order to avoid the censure of the world; to shun the
+contempt of others, we must ally ourselves to those we despise; we must
+prefer birth, title, and fortune, to real merit. It is a tyranny of
+custom, a tyranny we must comply with; for we people of fashion are the
+slaves of custom."--"Marry come up!" said Slipslop, who now knew well
+which party to take. "If I was a woman of your ladyship's fortune and
+quality, I would be a slave to nobody."--"Me," said the lady; "I am
+speaking if a young woman of fashion, who had seen nothing of the world,
+should happen to like such a fellow.--Me, indeed! I hope thou dost not
+imagine--"--"No, ma'am, to be sure," cries Slipslop. "No! what no?"
+cried the lady. "Thou art always ready to answer before thou hast heard
+one. So far I must allow he is a charming fellow. Me, indeed! No,
+Slipslop, all thoughts of men are over with me. I have lost a husband
+who--but if I should reflect I should run mad. My future ease must
+depend upon forgetfulness. Slipslop, let me hear some of thy nonsense,
+to turn my thoughts another way. What dost thou think of Mr
+Andrews?"--"Why, I think," says Slipslop, "he is the handsomest, most
+properest man I ever saw; and if I was a lady of the greatest degree it
+would be well for some folks. Your ladyship may talk of custom, if you
+please: but I am confidous there is no more comparison between young Mr
+Andrews and most of the young gentlemen who come to your ladyship's
+house in London; a parcel of whipper-snapper sparks: I would sooner
+marry our old parson Adams. Never tell me what people say, whilst I am
+happy in the arms of him I love. Some folks rail against other folks
+because other folks have what some folks would be glad of."--"And so,"
+answered the lady, "if you was a woman of condition, you would really
+marry Mr Andrews?"--"Yes, I assure your ladyship," replied Slipslop, "if
+he would have me."--"Fool, idiot!" cries the lady; "if he would have a
+woman of fashion! is that a question?"--"No, truly, madam," said
+Slipslop, "I believe it would be none if Fanny was out of the way; and I
+am confidous, if I was in your ladyship's place, and liked Mr Joseph
+Andrews, she should not stay in the parish a moment. I am sure lawyer
+Scout would send her packing if your ladyship would but say the word."
+This last speech of Slipslop raised a tempest in the mind of her
+mistress. She feared Scout had betrayed her, or rather that she had
+betrayed herself. After some silence, and a double change of her
+complexion, first to pale and then to red, she thus spoke: "I am
+astonished at the liberty you give your tongue. Would you insinuate that
+I employed Scout against this wench on account of the fellow?"--"La,
+ma'am," said Slipslop, frighted out of her wits, "I assassinate such a
+thing!"--"I think you dare not," answered the lady; "I believe my
+conduct may defy malice itself to assert so cursed a slander. If I had
+ever discovered any wantonness, any lightness in my behaviour; if I had
+followed the example of some whom thou hast, I believe, seen, in
+allowing myself indecent liberties, even with a husband; but the dear
+man who is gone" (here she began to sob), "was he alive again" (then she
+produced tears), "could not upbraid me with any one act of tenderness or
+passion. No, Slipslop, all the time I cohabited with him he never
+obtained even a kiss from me without my expressing reluctance in the
+granting it. I am sure he himself never suspected how much I loved him.
+Since his death, thou knowest, though it is almost six weeks (it wants
+but a day) ago, I have not admitted one visitor till this fool my nephew
+arrived. I have confined myself quite to one party of friends. And can
+such a conduct as this fear to be arraigned? To be accused, not only of
+a passion which I have always despised, but of fixing it on such an
+object, a creature so much beneath my notice!"--"Upon my word, ma'am,"
+says Slipslop, "I do not understand your ladyship; nor know I anything
+of the matter."--"I believe indeed thou dost not understand me. Those
+are delicacies which exist only in superior minds; thy coarse ideas
+cannot comprehend them. Thou art a low creature, of the Andrews breed, a
+reptile of a lower order, a weed that grows in the common garden of the
+creation."--"I assure your ladyship," says Slipslop, whose passions were
+almost of as high an order as her lady's, "I have no more to do with
+Common Garden than other folks. Really, your ladyship talks of servants
+as if they were not born of the Christian specious. Servants have flesh
+and blood as well as quality; and Mr Andrews himself is a proof that
+they have as good, if not better. And for my own part, I can't perceive
+my dears[A] are coarser than other people's; and I am sure, if Mr
+Andrews was a dear of mine, I should not be ashamed of him in company
+with gentlemen; for whoever hath seen him in his new clothes must
+confess he looks as much like a gentleman as anybody. Coarse, quotha! I
+can't bear to hear the poor young fellow run down neither; for I will
+say this, I never heard him say an ill word of anybody in his life. I am
+sure his coarseness doth not lie in his heart, for he is the
+best-natured man in the world; and as for his skin, it is no coarser
+than other people's, I am sure. His bosom, when a boy, was as white as
+driven snow; and, where it is not covered with hairs, is so still.
+Ifakins! if I was Mrs Andrews, with a hundred a year, I should not envy
+the best she who wears a head. A woman that could not be happy with such
+a man ought never to be so; for if he can't make a woman happy, I never
+yet beheld the man who could. I say again, I wish I was a great lady for
+his sake. I believe, when I had made a gentleman of him, he'd behave so
+that nobody should deprecate what I had done; and I fancy few would
+venture to tell him he was no gentleman to his face, nor to mine
+neither." At which words, taking up the candles, she asked her mistress,
+who had been some time in her bed, if she had any farther commands? who
+mildly answered, she had none; and, telling her she was a comical
+creature, bid her good-night.
+
+[A] Meaning perhaps ideas.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any light
+French romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's
+encounter with a beau._
+
+
+Habit, my good reader, hath so vast a prevalence over the human mind,
+that there is scarce anything too strange or too strong to be asserted
+of it. The story of the miser, who, from long accustoming to cheat
+others, came at last to cheat himself, and with great delight and
+triumph picked his own pocket of a guinea to convey to his hoard, is not
+impossible or improbable. In like manner it fares with the practisers of
+deceit, who, from having long deceived their acquaintance, gain at last
+a power of deceiving themselves, and acquire that very opinion (however
+false) of their own abilities, excellencies, and virtues, into which
+they have for years perhaps endeavoured to betray their neighbours. Now,
+reader, to apply this observation to my present purpose, thou must know,
+that as the passion generally called love exercises most of the talents
+of the female or fair world, so in this they now and then discover a
+small inclination to deceit; for which thou wilt not be angry with the
+beautiful creatures when thou hast considered that at the age of seven,
+or something earlier, miss is instructed by her mother that master is a
+very monstrous kind of animal, who will, if she suffers him to come too
+near her, infallibly eat her up and grind her to pieces: that, so far
+from kissing or toying with him of her own accord, she must not admit
+him to kiss or toy with her: and, lastly, that she must never have any
+affection towards him; for if she should, all her friends in petticoats
+would esteem her a traitress, point at her, and hunt her out of their
+society. These impressions, being first received, are farther and deeper
+inculcated by their school-mistresses and companions; so that by the age
+of ten they have contracted such a dread and abhorrence of the
+above-named monster, that whenever they see him they fly from him as the
+innocent hare doth from the greyhound. Hence, to the age of fourteen or
+fifteen, they entertain a mighty antipathy to master; they resolve, and
+frequently profess, that they will never have any commerce with him, and
+entertain fond hopes of passing their lives out of his reach, of the
+possibility of which they have so visible an example in their good
+maiden aunt. But when they arrive at this period, and have now passed
+their second climacteric, when their wisdom, grown riper, begins to see
+a little farther, and, from almost daily falling in master's way, to
+apprehend the great difficulty of keeping out of it; and when they
+observe him look often at them, and sometimes very eagerly and earnestly
+too (for the monster seldom takes any notice of them till at this age),
+they then begin to think of their danger; and, as they perceive they
+cannot easily avoid him, the wiser part bethink themselves of providing
+by other means for their security. They endeavour, by all methods they
+can invent, to render themselves so amiable in his eyes, that he may
+have no inclination to hurt them; in which they generally succeed so
+well, that his eyes, by frequent languishing, soon lessen their idea of
+his fierceness, and so far abate their fears, that they venture to
+parley with him; and when they perceive him so different from what he
+hath been described, all gentleness, softness, kindness, tenderness,
+fondness, their dreadful apprehensions vanish in a moment; and now (it
+being usual with the human mind to skip from one extreme to its
+opposite, as easily, and almost as suddenly, as a bird from one bough to
+another) love instantly succeeds to fear: but, as it happens to persons
+who have in their infancy been thoroughly frightened with certain
+no-persons called ghosts, that they retain their dread of those beings
+after they are convinced that there are no such things, so these young
+ladies, though they no longer apprehend devouring, cannot so entirely
+shake off all that hath been instilled into them; they still entertain
+the idea of that censure which was so strongly imprinted on their tender
+minds, to which the declarations of abhorrence they every day hear from
+their companions greatly contribute. To avoid this censure, therefore,
+is now their only care; for which purpose they still pretend the same
+aversion to the monster: and the more they love him, the more ardently
+they counterfeit the antipathy. By the continual and constant practice
+of which deceit on others, they at length impose on themselves, and
+really believe they hate what they love. Thus, indeed, it happened to
+Lady Booby, who loved Joseph long before she knew it; and now loved him
+much more than she suspected. She had indeed, from the time of his
+sister's arrival in the quality of her niece, and from the instant she
+viewed him in the dress and character of a gentleman, began to conceive
+secretly a design which love had concealed from herself till a dream
+betrayed it to her.
+
+She had no sooner risen than she sent for her nephew. When he came to
+her, after many compliments on his choice, she told him, "He might
+perceive, in her condescension to admit her own servant to her table,
+that she looked on the family of Andrews as his relations, and indeed
+hers; that, as he had married into such a family, it became him to
+endeavour by all methods to raise it as much as possible. At length she
+advised him to use all his heart to dissuade Joseph from his intended
+match, which would still enlarge their relation to meanness and poverty;
+concluding that, by a commission in the army, or some other genteel
+employment, he might soon put young Mr Andrews on the foot of a
+gentleman; and, that being once done, his accomplishments might quickly
+gain him an alliance which would not be to their discredit."
+
+Her nephew heartily embraced this proposal, and, finding Mr Joseph with
+his wife, at his return to her chamber, he immediately began thus: "My
+love to my dear Pamela, brother, will extend to all her relations; nor
+shall I show them less respect than if I had married into the family of
+a duke. I hope I have given you some early testimonies of this, and
+shall continue to give you daily more. You will excuse me therefore,
+brother, if my concern for your interest makes me mention what may be,
+perhaps, disagreeable to you to hear: but I must insist upon it, that,
+if you have any value for my alliance or my friendship, you will decline
+any thoughts of engaging farther with a girl who is, as you are a
+relation of mine, so much beneath you. I know there may be at first some
+difficulty in your compliance, but that will daily diminish; and you
+will in the end sincerely thank me for my advice. I own, indeed, the
+girl is handsome; but beauty alone is a poor ingredient, and will make
+but an uncomfortable marriage."--"Sir," said Joseph, "I assure you her
+beauty is her least perfection; nor do I know a virtue which that young
+creature is not possesst of."--"As to her virtues," answered Mr Booby,
+"you can be yet but a slender judge of them; but, if she had never so
+many, you will find her equal in these among her superiors in birth and
+fortune, which now you are to esteem on a footing with yourself; at
+least I will take care they shall shortly be so, unless you prevent me
+by degrading yourself with such a match, a match I have hardly patience
+to think of, and which would break the hearts of your parents, who now
+rejoice in the expectation of seeing you make a figure in the
+world."--"I know not," replied Joseph, "that my parents have any power
+over my inclinations; nor am I obliged to sacrifice my happiness to
+their whim or ambition: besides, I shall be very sorry to see that the
+unexpected advancement of my sister should so suddenly inspire them with
+this wicked pride, and make them despise their equals. I am resolved on
+no account to quit my dear Fanny; no, though I could raise her as high
+above her present station as you have raised my sister."--"Your sister,
+as well as myself," said Booby, "are greatly obliged to you for the
+comparison: but, sir, she is not worthy to be compared in beauty to my
+Pamela; nor hath she half her merit. And besides, sir, as you civilly
+throw my marriage with your sister in my teeth, I must teach you the
+wide difference between us: my fortune enabled me to please myself; and
+it would have been as overgrown a folly in me to have omitted it as in
+you to do it."--"My fortune enables me to please myself likewise," said
+Joseph; "for all my pleasure is centered in Fanny; and whilst I have
+health I shall be able to support her with my labour in that station to
+which she was born, and with which she is content."--"Brother," said
+Pamela, "Mr Booby advises you as a friend; and no doubt my papa and
+mamma will be of his opinion, and will have great reason to be angry
+with you for destroying what his goodness hath done, and throwing down
+our family again, after he hath raised it. It would become you better,
+brother, to pray for the assistance of grace against such a passion than
+to indulge it."--"Sure, sister, you are not in earnest; I am sure she is
+your equal, at least."--"She was my equal," answered Pamela; "but I am
+no longer Pamela Andrews; I am now this gentleman's lady, and, as such,
+am above her.--I hope I shall never behave with an unbecoming pride:
+but, at the same time, I shall always endeavour to know myself, and
+question not the assistance of grace to that purpose." They were now
+summoned to breakfast, and thus ended their discourse for the present,
+very little to the satisfaction of any of the parties.
+
+Fanny was now walking in an avenue at some distance from the house,
+where Joseph had promised to take the first opportunity of coming to
+her. She had not a shilling in the world, and had subsisted ever since
+her return entirely on the charity of parson Adams. A young gentleman,
+attended by many servants, came up to her, and asked her if that was not
+the Lady Booby's house before him? This, indeed, he well knew; but had
+framed the question for no other reason than to make her look up, and
+discover if her face was equal to the delicacy of her shape. He no
+sooner saw it than he was struck with amazement. He stopt his horse, and
+swore she was the most beautiful creature he ever beheld. Then,
+instantly alighting and delivering his horse to his servant, he rapt out
+half-a-dozen oaths that he would kiss her; to which she at first
+submitted, begging he would not be rude; but he was not satisfied with
+the civility of a salute, nor even with the rudest attack he could make
+on her lips, but caught her in his arms, and endeavoured to kiss her
+breasts, which with all her strength she resisted, and, as our spark was
+not of the Herculean race, with some difficulty prevented. The young
+gentleman, being soon out of breath in the struggle, quitted her, and,
+remounting his horse, called one of his servants to him, whom he ordered
+to stay behind with her, and make her any offers whatever to prevail on
+her to return home with him in the evening; and to assure her he would
+take her into keeping. He then rode on with his other servants, and
+arrived at the lady's house, to whom he was a distant relation, and was
+come to pay a visit.
+
+The trusty fellow, who was employed in an office he had been long
+accustomed to, discharged his part with all the fidelity and dexterity
+imaginable, but to no purpose. She was entirely deaf to his offers, and
+rejected them with the utmost disdain. At last the pimp, who had perhaps
+more warm blood about him than his master, began to sollicit for
+himself; he told her, though he was a servant, he was a man of some
+fortune, which he would make her mistress of; and this without any
+insult to her virtue, for that he would marry her. She answered, if his
+master himself, or the greatest lord in the land, would marry her, she
+would refuse him. At last, being weary with persuasions, and on fire
+with charms which would have almost kindled a flame in the bosom of an
+ancient philosopher or modern divine, he fastened his horse to the
+ground, and attacked her with much more force than the gentleman had
+exerted. Poor Fanny would not have been able to resist his rudeness a
+short time, but the deity who presides over chaste love sent her Joseph
+to her assistance. He no sooner came within sight, and perceived her
+struggling with a man, than, like a cannon-ball, or like lightning, or
+anything that is swifter, if anything be, he ran towards her, and,
+coming up just as the ravisher had torn her handkerchief from her
+breast, before his lips had touched that seat of innocence and bliss, he
+dealt him so lusty a blow in that part of his neck which a rope would
+have become with the utmost propriety, that the fellow staggered
+backwards, and, perceiving he had to do with something rougher than the
+little, tender, trembling hand of Fanny, he quitted her, and, turning
+about, saw his rival, with fire flashing from his eyes, again ready to
+assail him; and, indeed, before he could well defend himself, or return
+the first blow, he received a second, which, had it fallen on that part
+of the stomach to which it was directed, would have been probably the
+last he would have had any occasion for; but the ravisher, lifting up
+his hand, drove the blow upwards to his mouth, whence it dislodged three
+of his teeth; and now, not conceiving any extraordinary affection for
+the beauty of Joseph's person, nor being extremely pleased with this
+method of salutation, he collected all his force, and aimed a blow at
+Joseph's breast, which he artfully parried with one fist, so that it
+lost its force entirely in air; and, stepping one foot backward, he
+darted his fist so fiercely at his enemy, that, had he not caught it in
+his hand (for he was a boxer of no inferior fame), it must have tumbled
+him on the ground. And now the ravisher meditated another blow, which he
+aimed at that part of the breast where the heart is lodged; Joseph did
+not catch it as before, yet so prevented its aim that it fell directly
+on his nose, but with abated force. Joseph then, moving both fist and
+foot forwards at the same time, threw his head so dexterously into the
+stomach of the ravisher that he fell a lifeless lump on the field, where
+he lay many minutes breathless and motionless.
+
+When Fanny saw her Joseph receive a blow in his face, and blood running
+in a stream from him, she began to tear her hair and invoke all human
+and divine power to his assistance. She was not, however, long under
+this affliction before Joseph, having conquered his enemy, ran to her,
+and assured her he was not hurt; she then instantly fell on her knees,
+and thanked God that he had made Joseph the means of her rescue, and at
+the same time preserved him from being injured in attempting it. She
+offered, with her handkerchief, to wipe his blood from his face; but he,
+seeing his rival attempting to recover his legs, turned to him, and
+asked him if he had enough? To which the other answered he had; for he
+believed he had fought with the devil instead of a man; and, loosening
+his horse, said he should not have attempted the wench if he had known
+she had been so well provided for.
+
+Fanny now begged Joseph to return with her to parson Adams, and to
+promise that he would leave her no more. These were propositions so
+agreeable to Joseph, that, had he heard them, he would have given an
+immediate assent; but indeed his eyes were now his only sense; for you
+may remember, reader, that the ravisher had tore her handkerchief from
+Fanny's neck, by which he had discovered such a sight, that Joseph hath
+declared all the statues he ever beheld were so much inferior to it in
+beauty, that it was more capable of converting a man into a statue than
+of being imitated by the greatest master of that art. This modest
+creature, whom no warmth in summer could ever induce to expose her
+charms to the wanton sun, a modesty to which, perhaps, they owed their
+inconceivable whiteness, had stood many minutes bare-necked in the
+presence of Joseph before her apprehension of his danger and the horror
+of seeing his blood would suffer her once to reflect on what concerned
+herself; till at last, when the cause of her concern had vanished, an
+admiration at his silence, together with observing the fixed position
+of his eyes, produced an idea in the lovely maid which brought more
+blood into her face than had flowed from Joseph's nostrils. The snowy
+hue of her bosom was likewise changed to vermilion at the instant when
+she clapped her handkerchief round her neck. Joseph saw the uneasiness
+she suffered, and immediately removed his eyes from an object, in
+surveying which he had felt the greatest delight which the organs of
+sight were capable of conveying to his soul;--so great was his fear of
+offending her, and so truly did his passion for her deserve the noble
+name of love.
+
+Fanny, being recovered from her confusion, which was almost equalled by
+what Joseph had felt from observing it, again mentioned her request;
+this was instantly and gladly complied with; and together they crossed
+two or three fields, which brought them to the habitation of Mr Adams.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and
+Fanny; with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some few
+readers very low, absurd, and unnatural._
+
+
+The parson and his wife had just ended a long dispute when the lovers
+came to the door. Indeed, this young couple had been the subject of the
+dispute; for Mrs Adams was one of those prudent people who never do
+anything to injure their families, or, perhaps, one of those good
+mothers who would even stretch their conscience to serve their children.
+She had long entertained hopes of seeing her eldest daughter succeed Mrs
+Slipslop, and of making her second son an exciseman by Lady Booby's
+interest. These were expectations she could not endure the thoughts of
+quitting, and was, therefore, very uneasy to see her husband so resolute
+to oppose the lady's intention in Fanny's affair. She told him, "It
+behoved every man to take the first care of his family; that he had a
+wife and six children, the maintaining and providing for whom would be
+business enough for him without intermeddling in other folks' affairs;
+that he had always preached up submission to superiors, and would do ill
+to give an example of the contrary behaviour in his own conduct; that if
+Lady Booby did wrong she must answer for it herself, and the sin would
+not lie at their door; that Fanny had been a servant, and bred up in the
+lady's own family, and consequently she must have known more of her than
+they did, and it was very improbable, if she had behaved herself well,
+that the lady would have been so bitterly her enemy; that perhaps he was
+too much inclined to think well of her because she was handsome, but
+handsome women were often no better than they should be; that G-- made
+ugly women as well as handsome ones; and that if a woman had virtue it
+signified nothing whether she had beauty or no." For all which reasons
+she concluded he should oblige the lady, and stop the future publication
+of the banns. But all these excellent arguments had no effect on the
+parson, who persisted in doing his duty without regarding the
+consequence it might have on his worldly interest. He endeavoured to
+answer her as well as he could; to which she had just finished her reply
+(for she had always the last word everywhere but at church) when Joseph
+and Fanny entered their kitchen, where the parson and his wife then sat
+at breakfast over some bacon and cabbage. There was a coldness in the
+civility of Mrs Adams which persons of accurate speculation might have
+observed, but escaped her present guests; indeed, it was a good deal
+covered by the heartiness of Adams, who no sooner heard that Fanny had
+neither eat nor drank that morning than he presented her a bone of bacon
+he had just been gnawing, being the only remains of his provision, and
+then ran nimbly to the tap, and produced a mug of small beer, which he
+called ale; however, it was the best in his house. Joseph, addressing
+himself to the parson, told him the discourse which had past between
+Squire Booby, his sister, and himself concerning Fanny; he then
+acquainted him with the dangers whence he had rescued her, and
+communicated some apprehensions on her account. He concluded that he
+should never have an easy moment till Fanny was absolutely his, and
+begged that he might be suffered to fetch a licence, saying he could
+easily borrow the money. The parson answered, That he had already given
+his sentiments concerning a licence, and that a very few days would make
+it unnecessary. "Joseph," says he, "I wish this haste doth not arise
+rather from your impatience than your fear; but, as it certainly springs
+from one of these causes, I will examine both. Of each of these
+therefore in their turn; and first for the first of these, namely,
+impatience. Now, child, I must inform you that, if in your purposed
+marriage with this young woman you have no intention but the indulgence
+of carnal appetites, you are guilty of a very heinous sin. Marriage was
+ordained for nobler purposes, as you will learn when you hear the
+service provided on that occasion read to you. Nay, perhaps, if you are
+a good lad, I, child, shall give you a sermon gratis, wherein I shall
+demonstrate how little regard ought to be had to the flesh on such
+occasions. The text will be Matthew the 5th, and part of the 28th
+verse--_Whosoever looketh on a woman, so as to lust after her_. The
+latter part I shall omit, as foreign to my purpose. Indeed, all such
+brutal lusts and affections are to be greatly subdued, if not totally
+eradicated, before the vessel can be said to be consecrated to honour.
+To marry with a view of gratifying those inclinations is a prostitution
+of that holy ceremony, and must entail a curse on all who so lightly
+undertake it. If, therefore, this haste arises from impatience, you are
+to correct, and not give way to it. Now, as to the second head which I
+proposed to speak to, namely, fear: it argues a diffidence, highly
+criminal, of that Power in which alone we should put our trust, seeing
+we may be well assured that he is able, not only to defeat the designs
+of our enemies, but even to turn their hearts. Instead of taking,
+therefore, any unjustifiable or desperate means to rid ourselves of
+fear, we should resort to prayer only on these occasions; and we may be
+then certain of obtaining what is best for us. When any accident
+threatens us we are not to despair, nor, when it overtakes us, to
+grieve; we must submit in all things to the will of Providence, and set
+our affections so much on nothing here that we cannot quit it without
+reluctance. You are a young man, and can know but little of this world;
+I am older, and have seen a great deal. All passions are criminal in
+their excess; and even love itself, if it is not subservient to our
+duty, may render us blind to it. Had Abraham so loved his son Isaac as
+to refuse the sacrifice required, is there any of us who would not
+condemn him? Joseph, I know your many good qualities, and value you for
+them; but, as I am to render an account of your soul, which is committed
+to my cure, I cannot see any fault without reminding you of it. You are
+too much inclined to passion, child, and have set your affections so
+absolutely on this young woman, that, if G-- required her at your hands,
+I fear you would reluctantly part with her. Now, believe me, no
+Christian ought so to set his heart on any person or thing in this
+world, but that, whenever it shall be required or taken from him in any
+manner by Divine Providence, he may be able, peaceably, quietly, and
+contentedly to resign it." At which words one came hastily in, and
+acquainted Mr Adams that his youngest son was drowned. He stood silent a
+moment, and soon began to stamp about the room and deplore his loss with
+the bitterest agony. Joseph, who was overwhelmed with concern likewise,
+recovered himself sufficiently to endeavour to comfort the parson; in
+which attempt he used many arguments that he had at several times
+remembered out of his own discourses, both in private and public (for he
+was a great enemy to the passions, and preached nothing more than the
+conquest of them by reason and grace), but he was not at leisure now to
+hearken to his advice. "Child, child," said he, "do not go about
+impossibilities. Had it been any other of my children I could have borne
+it with patience; but my little prattler, the darling and comfort of my
+old age--the little wretch, to be snatched out of life just at his
+entrance into it; the sweetest, best-tempered boy, who never did a thing
+to offend me. It was but this morning I gave him his first lesson in
+_Que Genus_. This was the very book he learnt; poor child! it is of no
+further use to thee now. He would have made the best scholar, and have
+been an ornament to the Church;--such parts and such goodness never met
+in one so young." "And the handsomest lad too," says Mrs Adams,
+recovering from a swoon in Fanny's arms. "My poor Jacky, shall I never
+see thee more?" cries the parson. "Yes, surely," says Joseph, "and in a
+better place; you will meet again, never to part more." I believe the
+parson did not hear these words, for he paid little regard to them, but
+went on lamenting, whilst the tears trickled down into his bosom. At
+last he cried out, "Where is my little darling?" and was sallying out,
+when to his great surprize and joy, in which I hope the reader will
+sympathize, he met his son in a wet condition indeed, but alive and
+running towards him. The person who brought the news of his misfortune
+had been a little too eager, as people sometimes are, from, I believe,
+no very good principle, to relate ill news; and, seeing him fall into
+the river, instead of running to his assistance, directly ran to
+acquaint his father of a fate which he had concluded to be inevitable,
+but whence the child was relieved by the same poor pedlar who had
+relieved his father before from a less distress. The parson's joy was
+now as extravagant as his grief had been before; he kissed and embraced
+his son a thousand times, and danced about the room like one frantic;
+but as soon as he discovered the face of his old friend the pedlar, and
+heard the fresh obligation he had to him, what were his sensations? not
+those which two courtiers feel in one another's embraces; not those with
+which a great man receives the vile treacherous engines of his wicked
+purposes, not those with which a worthless younger brother wishes his
+elder joy of a son, or a man congratulates his rival on his obtaining a
+mistress, a place, or an honour.--No, reader; he felt the ebullition,
+the overflowings of a full, honest, open heart, towards the person who
+had conferred a real obligation, and of which, if thou canst not
+conceive an idea within, I will not vainly endeavour to assist thee.
+
+When these tumults were over, the parson, taking Joseph aside, proceeded
+thus--"No, Joseph, do not give too much way to thy passions, if thou
+dost expect happiness." The patience of Joseph, nor perhaps of Job,
+could bear no longer; he interrupted the parson, saying, "It was easier
+to give advice than take it; nor did he perceive he could so entirely
+conquer himself, when he apprehended he had lost his son, or when he
+found him recovered."--"Boy," replied Adams, raising his voice, "it doth
+not become green heads to advise grey hairs.--Thou art ignorant of the
+tenderness of fatherly affection; when thou art a father thou wilt be
+capable then only of knowing what a father can feel. No man is obliged
+to impossibilities; and the loss of a child is one of those great trials
+where our grief may be allowed to become immoderate."--"Well, sir,"
+cries Joseph, "and if I love a mistress as well as you your child,
+surely her loss would grieve me equally."--"Yes, but such love is
+foolishness and wrong in itself, and ought to be conquered," answered
+Adams; "it savours too much of the flesh."--"Sure, sir," says Joseph,
+"it is not sinful to love my wife, no, not even to doat on her to
+distraction!"--"Indeed but it is," says Adams. "Every man ought to love
+his wife, no doubt; we are commanded so to do; but we ought to love her
+with moderation and discretion."--"I am afraid I shall be guilty of some
+sin in spite of all my endeavours," says Joseph; "for I shall love
+without any moderation, I am sure."--"You talk foolishly and
+childishly," cries Adams.--"Indeed," says Mrs Adams, who had listened to
+the latter part of their conversation, "you talk more foolishly yourself.
+I hope, my dear, you will never preach any such doctrine as that
+husbands can love their wives too well. If I knew you had such a sermon
+in the house I am sure I would burn it, and I declare, if I had not been
+convinced you had loved me as well as you could, I can answer for
+myself, I should have hated and despised you. Marry come up! Fine
+doctrine, indeed! A wife hath a right to insist on her husband's loving
+her as much as ever he can; and he is a sinful villain who doth not.
+Doth he not promise to love her, and to comfort her, and to cherish her,
+and all that? I am sure I remember it all as well as if I had repeated
+it over but yesterday, and shall never forget it. Besides, I am certain
+you do not preach as you practise; for you have been a loving and a
+cherishing husband to me; that's the truth on't; and why you should
+endeavour to put such wicked nonsense into this young man's head I
+cannot devise. Don't hearken to him, Mr Joseph; be as good a husband as
+you are able, and love your wife with all your body and soul too." Here
+a violent rap at the door put an end to their discourse, and produced a
+scene which the reader will find in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to
+the parson._
+
+
+The Lady Booby had no sooner had an account from the gentleman of his
+meeting a wonderful beauty near her house, and perceived the raptures
+with which he spoke of her, than, immediately concluding it must be
+Fanny, she began to meditate a design of bringing them better
+acquainted; and to entertain hopes that the fine clothes, presents, and
+promises of this youth, would prevail on her to abandon Joseph: she
+therefore proposed to her company a walk in the fields before dinner,
+when she led them towards Mr Adams's house; and, as she approached it,
+told them if they pleased she would divert them with one of the most
+ridiculous sights they had ever seen, which was an old foolish parson,
+who, she said, laughing, kept a wife and six brats on a salary of about
+twenty pounds a year; adding, that there was not such another ragged
+family in the parish. They all readily agreed to this visit, and arrived
+whilst Mrs Adams was declaiming as in the last chapter. Beau Didapper,
+which was the name of the young gentleman we have seen riding towards
+Lady Booby's, with his cane mimicked the rap of a London footman at the
+door. The people within, namely, Adams, his wife and three children,
+Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar, were all thrown into confusion by this
+knock, but Adams went directly to the door, which being opened, the Lady
+Booby and her company walked in, and were received by the parson with
+about two hundred bows, and by his wife with as many curtsies; the
+latter telling the lady "She was ashamed to be seen in such a pickle,
+and that her house was in such a litter; but that if she had expected
+such an honour from her ladyship she should have found her in a better
+manner." The parson made no apologies, though he was in his half-cassock
+and a flannel nightcap. He said "They were heartily welcome to his poor
+cottage," and turning to Mr Didapper, cried out, "_Non mea renidet in
+domo lacunar_." The beau answered, "He did not understand Welsh;" at
+which the parson stared and made no reply.
+
+Mr Didapper, or beau Didapper, was a young gentleman of about four foot
+five inches in height. He wore his own hair, though the scarcity of it
+might have given him sufficient excuse for a periwig. His face was thin
+and pale; the shape of his body and legs none of the best, for he had
+very narrow shoulders and no calf; and his gait might more properly be
+called hopping than walking. The qualifications of his mind were well
+adapted to his person. We shall handle them first negatively. He was not
+entirely ignorant; for he could talk a little French and sing two or
+three Italian songs; he had lived too much in the world to be bashful,
+and too much at court to be proud: he seemed not much inclined to
+avarice, for he was profuse in his expenses; nor had he all the features
+of prodigality, for he never gave a shilling: no hater of women, for he
+always dangled after them; yet so little subject to lust, that he had,
+among those who knew him best, the character of great moderation in his
+pleasures; no drinker of wine; nor so addicted to passion but that a hot
+word or two from an adversary made him immediately cool.
+
+Now, to give him only a dash or two on the affirmative side: though he
+was born to an immense fortune, he chose, for the pitiful and dirty
+consideration of a place of little consequence, to depend entirely on
+the will of a fellow whom they call a great man; who treated him with
+the utmost disrespect, and exacted of him a plenary obedience to his
+commands, which he implicitly submitted to, at the expense of his
+conscience, his honour, and of his country, in which he had himself so
+very large a share. And to finish his character; as he was entirely well
+satisfied with his own person and parts, so he was very apt to ridicule
+and laugh at any imperfection in another. Such was the little person, or
+rather thing, that hopped after Lady Booby into Mr Adams's kitchen.
+
+The parson and his company retreated from the chimney-side, where they
+had been seated, to give room to the lady and hers. Instead of returning
+any of the curtsies or extraordinary civility of Mrs Adams, the lady,
+turning to Mr Booby, cried out, "_Quelle Bete! Quel Animal!_" And
+presently after discovering Fanny (for she did not need the circumstance
+of her standing by Joseph to assure the identity of her person), she
+asked the beau "Whether he did not think her a pretty girl?"--"Begad,
+madam," answered he, "'tis the very same I met." "I did not imagine,"
+replied the lady, "you had so good a taste."--"Because I never liked
+you, I warrant," cries the beau. "Ridiculous!" said she: "you know you
+was always my aversion." "I would never mention aversion," answered the
+beau, "with that face[A]; dear Lady Booby, wash your face before you
+mention aversion, I beseech you." He then laughed, and turned about to
+coquet it with Fanny.
+
+[A] Lest this should appear unnatural to some readers, we think proper
+    to acquaint them, that it is taken verbatim from very polite
+    conversation.
+
+Mrs Adams had been all this time begging and praying the ladies to sit
+down, a favour which she at last obtained. The little boy to whom the
+accident had happened, still keeping his place by the fire, was chid by
+his mother for not being more mannerly: but Lady Booby took his part,
+and, commending his beauty, told the parson he was his very picture. She
+then, seeing a book in his hand, asked "If he could read?"--"Yes," cried
+Adams, "a little Latin, madam: he is just got into Quae Genus."--"A fig
+for quere genius!" answered she; "let me hear him read a little
+English."--"Lege, Dick, lege," said Adams: but the boy made no answer,
+till he saw the parson knit his brows, and then cried, "I don't
+understand you, father."--"How, boy!" says Adams; "what doth lego make
+in the imperative mood? Legito, doth it not?"--"Yes," answered
+Dick.--"And what besides ?" says the father. "Lege," quoth the son,
+after some hesitation. "A good boy," says the father: "and now, child,
+what is the English of lego?"--To which the boy, after long puzzling,
+answered, he could not tell. "How!" cries Adams, in a passion;--"what,
+hath the water washed away your learning? Why, what is Latin for the
+English verb read? Consider before you speak." The child considered some
+time, and then the parson cried twice or thrice, "Le--, Le--." Dick
+answered, "Lego."--"Very well;--and then what is the English," says the
+parson, "of the verb lego?"--"To read," cried Dick.--"Very well," said
+the parson; "a good boy: you can do well if you will take pains.--I
+assure your ladyship he is not much above eight years old, and is out of
+his Propria quae Maribus already.--Come, Dick, read to her
+ladyship;"--which she again desiring, in order to give the beau time and
+opportunity with Fanny, Dick began as in the following chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson to all
+those persons who happen to take up their residence in married
+families._
+
+
+"Leonard and Paul were two friends."--"Pronounce it Lennard, child,"
+cried the parson.--"Pray, Mr Adams," says Lady Booby, "let your son read
+without interruption." Dick then proceeded. "Lennard and Paul were two
+friends, who, having been educated together at the same school,
+commenced a friendship which they preserved a long time for each other.
+It was so deeply fixed in both their minds, that a long absence, during
+which they had maintained no correspondence, did not eradicate nor
+lessen it: but it revived in all its force at their first meeting, which
+was not till after fifteen years' absence, most of which time Lennard
+had spent in the East Indi-es."--"Pronounce it short, Indies," says
+Adams.--"Pray? sir, be quiet," says the lady.--The boy repeated--"in the
+East Indies, whilst Paul had served his king and country in the army. In
+which different services they had found such different success, that
+Lennard was now married, and retired with a fortune of thirty thousand
+pounds; and Paul was arrived to the degree of a lieutenant of foot; and
+was not worth a single shilling.
+
+"The regiment in which Paul was stationed happened to be ordered into
+quarters within a small distance from the estate which Lennard had
+purchased, and where he was settled. This latter, who was now become a
+country gentleman, and a justice of peace, came to attend the quarter
+sessions in the town where his old friend was quartered, soon after his
+arrival. Some affair in which a soldier was concerned occasioned Paul to
+attend the justices. Manhood, and time, and the change of climate had so
+much altered Lennard, that Paul did not immediately recollect the
+features of his old acquaintance: but it was otherwise with Lennard. He
+knew Paul the moment he saw him; nor could he contain himself from
+quitting the bench, and running hastily to embrace him. Paul stood at
+first a little surprized; but had soon sufficient information from his
+friend, whom he no sooner remembered than he returned his embrace with a
+passion which made many of the spectators laugh, and gave to some few a
+much higher and more agreeable sensation.
+
+"Not to detain the reader with minute circumstances, Lennard insisted on
+his friend's returning with him to his house that evening; which request
+was complied with, and leave for a month's absence for Paul obtained of
+the commanding officer.
+
+"If it was possible for any circumstance to give any addition to the
+happiness which Paul proposed in this visit, he received that additional
+pleasure by finding, on his arrival at his friend's house, that his lady
+was an old acquaintance which he had formerly contracted at his
+quarters, and who had always appeared to be of a most agreeable temper;
+a character she had ever maintained among her intimates, being of that
+number, every individual of which is called quite the best sort of woman
+in the world.
+
+"But, good as this lady was, she was still a woman; that is to say, an
+angel, and not an angel."--"You must mistake, child," cries the parson,
+"for you read nonsense."--"It is so in the book," answered the son. Mr
+Adams was then silenced by authority, and Dick proceeded--"For though
+her person was of that kind to which men attribute the name of angel,
+yet in her mind she was perfectly woman. Of which a great degree of
+obstinacy gave the most remarkable and perhaps most pernicious instance.
+
+"A day or two passed after Paul's arrival before any instances of this
+appeared; but it was impossible to conceal it long. Both she and her
+husband soon lost all apprehension from their friend's presence, and
+fell to their disputes with as much vigour as ever. These were still
+pursued with the utmost ardour and eagerness, however trifling the
+causes were whence they first arose. Nay, however incredible it may
+seem, the little consequence of the matter in debate was frequently
+given as a reason for the fierceness of the contention, as thus: 'If you
+loved me, sure you would never dispute with me such a trifle as this.'
+The answer to which is very obvious; for the argument would hold equally
+on both sides, and was constantly retorted with some addition, as--'I am
+sure I have much more reason to say so, who am in the right.' During all
+these disputes, Paul always kept strict silence, and preserved an even
+countenance, without showing the least visible inclination to either
+party. One day, however, when madam had left the room in a violent fury,
+Lennard could not refrain from referring his cause to his friend. Was
+ever anything so unreasonable, says he, as this woman? What shall I do
+with her? I doat on her to distraction; nor have I any cause to complain
+of, more than this obstinacy in her temper; whatever she asserts, she
+will maintain against all the reason and conviction in the world. Pray
+give me your advice.--First, says Paul, I will give my opinion, which
+is, flatly, that you are in the wrong; for, supposing she is in the
+wrong, was the subject of your contention any ways material? What
+signified it whether you was married in a red or a yellow waistcoat? for
+that was your dispute. Now, suppose she was mistaken; as you love her
+you say so tenderly, and I believe she deserves it, would it not have
+been wiser to have yielded, though you certainly knew yourself in the
+right, than to give either her or yourself any uneasiness. For my own
+part, if ever I marry, I am resolved to enter into an agreement with my
+wife, that in all disputes (especially about trifles) that party who is
+most convinced they are right shall always surrender the victory; by
+which means we shall both be forward to give up the cause. I own, said
+Lennard, my dear friend, shaking him by the hand, there is great truth
+and reason in what you say; and I will for the future endeavour to
+follow your advice. They soon after broke up the conversation, and
+Lennard, going to his wife, asked her pardon, and told her his friend
+had convinced him he had been in the wrong. She immediately began a vast
+encomium on Paul, in which he seconded her, and both agreed he was the
+worthiest and wisest man upon earth. When next they met, which was at
+supper, though she had promised not to mention what her husband told
+her, she could not forbear casting the kindest and most affectionate
+looks on Paul, and asked him, with the sweetest voice, whether she
+should help him to some potted woodcock? Potted partridge, my dear, you
+mean, says the husband. My dear, says she, I ask your friend if he will
+eat any potted woodcock; and I am sure I must know, who potted it. I
+think I should know too, who shot them, replied the husband, and I am
+convinced that I have not seen a woodcock this year; however, though I
+know I am in the right, I submit, and the potted partridge is potted
+woodcock if you desire to have it so. It is equal to me, says she,
+whether it is one or the other; but you would persuade one out of one's
+senses; to be sure, you are always in the right in your own opinion; but
+your friend, I believe, knows which he is eating. Paul answered nothing,
+and the dispute continued, as usual, the greatest part of the evening.
+The next morning the lady, accidentally meeting Paul, and being
+convinced he was her friend, and of her side, accosted him thus:--I am
+certain, sir, you have long since wondered at the unreasonableness of my
+husband. He is indeed, in other respects, a good sort of man, but so
+positive, that no woman but one of my complying temper could possibly
+live with him. Why, last night, now, was ever any creature so
+unreasonable? I am certain you must condemn him. Pray, answer me, was he
+not in the wrong? Paul, after a short silence, spoke as follows: I am
+sorry, madam, that, as good manners obliges me to answer against my
+will, so an adherence to truth forces me to declare myself of a
+different opinion. To be plain and honest, you was entirely in the
+wrong; the cause I own not worth disputing, but the bird was undoubtedly
+a partridge. O sir! replyed the lady, I cannot possibly help your taste.
+Madam, returned Paul, that is very little material; for, had it been
+otherwise, a husband might have expected submission.--Indeed! sir, says
+she, I assure you!--Yes, madam, cryed he, he might, from a person of
+your excellent understanding; and pardon me for saying, such a
+condescension would have shown a superiority of sense even to your
+husband himself.--But, dear sir, said she, why should I submit when I am
+in the right?--For that very reason, answered he; it would be the
+greatest instance of affection imaginable; for can anything be a greater
+object of our compassion than a person we love in the wrong? Ay, but I
+should endeavour, said she, to set him right. Pardon me, madam, answered
+Paul: I will apply to your own experience if you ever found your
+arguments had that effect. The more our judgments err, the less we are
+willing to own it: for my own part, I have always observed the persons
+who maintain the worst side in any contest are the warmest. Why, says
+she, I must confess there is truth in what you say, and I will endeavour
+to practise it. The husband then coming in, Paul departed. And Leonard,
+approaching his wife with an air of good humour, told her he was sorry
+for their foolish dispute the last night; but he was now convinced of
+his error. She answered, smiling, she believed she owed his
+condescension to his complacence; that she was ashamed to think a word
+had passed on so silly an occasion, especially as she was satisfyed she
+had been mistaken. A little contention followed, but with the utmost
+good-will to each other, and was concluded by her asserting that Paul
+had thoroughly convinced her she had been in the wrong. Upon which they
+both united in the praises of their common friend.
+
+"Paul now passed his time with great satisfaction, these disputes being
+much less frequent, as well as shorter than usual; but the devil, or
+some unlucky accident in which perhaps the devil had no hand, shortly
+put an end to his happiness. He was now eternally the private referee of
+every difference; in which, after having perfectly, as he thought,
+established the doctrine of submission, he never scrupled to assure both
+privately that they were in the right in every argument, as before he
+had followed the contrary method. One day a violent litigation happened
+in his absence, and both parties agreed to refer it to his decision. The
+husband professing himself sure the decision would be in his favour; the
+wife answered, he might be mistaken; for she believed his friend was
+convinced how seldom she was to blame; and that if he knew all--The
+husband replied, My dear, I have no desire of any retrospect; but I
+believe, if you knew all too, you would not imagine my friend so
+entirely on your side. Nay, says she, since you provoke me, I will
+mention one instance. You may remember our dispute about sending Jackey
+to school in cold weather, which point I gave up to you from mere
+compassion, knowing myself to be in the right; and Paul himself told me
+afterwards he thought me so. My dear, replied the husband, I will not
+scruple your veracity; but I assure you solemnly, on my applying to him,
+he gave it absolutely on my side, and said he would have acted in the
+same manner. They then proceeded to produce numberless other instances,
+in all which Paul had, on vows of secresy, given his opinion on both
+sides. In the conclusion, both believing each other, they fell severely
+on the treachery of Paul, and agreed that he had been the occasion of
+almost every dispute which had fallen out between them. They then became
+extremely loving, and so full of condescension on both sides, that they
+vyed with each other in censuring their own conduct, and jointly vented
+their indignation on Paul, whom the wife, fearing a bloody consequence,
+earnestly entreated her husband to suffer quietly to depart the next
+day, which was the time fixed for his return to quarters, and then drop
+his acquaintance.
+
+"However ungenerous this behaviour in Lennard may be esteemed, his wife
+obtained a promise from him (though with difficulty) to follow her
+advice; but they both expressed such unusual coldness that day to Paul,
+that he, who was quick of apprehension, taking Lennard aside, pressed
+him so home, that he at last discovered the secret. Paul acknowledged
+the truth, but told him the design with which he had done it.--To which
+the other answered, he would have acted more friendly to have let him
+into the whole design; for that he might have assured himself of his
+secresy. Paul replyed, with some indignation, he had given him a
+sufficient proof how capable he was of concealing a secret from his
+wife. Lennard returned with some warmth--he had more reason to upbraid
+him, for that he had caused most of the quarrels between them by his
+strange conduct, and might (if they had not discovered the affair to
+each other) have been the occasion of their separation. Paul then
+said"--But something now happened which put a stop to Dick's reading,
+and of which we shall treat in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_In which the history is continued._
+
+
+Joseph Andrews had borne with great uneasiness the impertinence of beau
+Didapper to Fanny, who had been talking pretty freely to her, and
+offering her settlements; but the respect to the company had restrained
+him from interfering whilst the beau confined himself to the use of his
+tongue only; but the said beau, watching an opportunity whilst the
+ladies' eyes were disposed another way, offered a rudeness to her with
+his hands; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he presented him with
+so sound a box on the ear, that it conveyed him several paces from where
+he stood. The ladies immediately screamed out, rose from their chairs;
+and the beau, as soon as he recovered himself, drew his hanger: which
+Adams observing, snatched up the lid of a pot in his left hand, and,
+covering himself with it as with a shield, without any weapon of offence
+in his other hand, stept in before Joseph, and exposed himself to the
+enraged beau, who threatened such perdition and destruction, that it
+frighted the women, who were all got in a huddle together, out of their
+wits, even to hear his denunciations of vengeance. Joseph was of a
+different complexion, and begged Adams to let his rival come on; for he
+had a good cudgel in his hand, and did not fear him. Fanny now fainted
+into Mrs Adams's arms, and the whole room was in confusion, when Mr
+Booby, passing by Adams, who lay snug under the pot-lid, came up to
+Didapper, and insisted on his sheathing the hanger, promising he should
+have satisfaction; which Joseph declared he would give him, and fight
+him at any weapon whatever. The beau now sheathed his hanger, and taking
+out a pocket-glass, and vowing vengeance all the time, re-adjusted his
+hair; the parson deposited his shield; and Joseph, running to Fanny,
+soon brought her back to life. Lady Booby chid Joseph for his insult on
+Didapper; but he answered, he would have attacked an army in the same
+cause. "What cause?" said the lady. "Madam," answered Joseph, "he was
+rude to that young woman."--"What," says the lady, "I suppose he would
+have kissed the wench; and is a gentleman to be struck for such an
+offer? I must tell you, Joseph, these airs do not become you."--"Madam,"
+said Mr Booby, "I saw the whole affair, and I do not commend my brother;
+for I cannot perceive why he should take upon him to be this girl's
+champion."--"I can commend him," says Adams: "he is a brave lad; and it
+becomes any man to be the champion of the innocent; and he must be the
+basest coward who would not vindicate a woman with whom he is on the
+brink of marriage."--"Sir," says Mr Booby, "my brother is not a proper
+match for such a young woman as this."--"No," says Lady Booby; "nor do
+you, Mr Adams, act in your proper character by encouraging any such
+doings; and I am very much surprized you should concern yourself in it.
+I think your wife and family your properer care."--"Indeed, madam, your
+ladyship says very true," answered Mrs Adams: "he talks a pack of
+nonsense, that the whole parish are his children. I am sure I don't
+understand what he means by it; it would make some women suspect he had
+gone astray, but I acquit him of that; I can read Scripture as well as
+he, and I never found that the parson was obliged to provide for other
+folks' children; and besides, he is but a poor curate, and hath little
+enough, as your ladyship knows, for me and mine."--"You say very well,
+Mrs Adams," quoth the Lady Booby, who had not spoke a word to her before;
+"you seem to be a very sensible woman; and I assure you, your husband is
+acting a very foolish part, and opposing his own interest, seeing my
+nephew is violently set against this match: and indeed I can't blame
+him; it is by no means one suitable to our family." In this manner the
+lady proceeded with Mrs Adams, whilst the beau hopped about the room,
+shaking his head, partly from pain and partly from anger; and Pamela was
+chiding Fanny for her assurance in aiming at such a match as her
+brother. Poor Fanny answered only with her tears, which had long since
+begun to wet her handkerchief; which Joseph perceiving, took her by the
+arm, and wrapping it in his carried her off, swearing he would own no
+relation to any one who was an enemy to her he loved more than all the
+world. He went out with Fanny under his left arm, brandishing a cudgel
+in his right, and neither Mr Booby nor the beau thought proper to oppose
+him. Lady Booby and her company made a very short stay behind him; for
+the lady's bell now summoned them to dress; for which they had just time
+before dinner.
+
+Adams seemed now very much dejected, which his wife perceiving, began to
+apply some matrimonial balsam. She told him he had reason to be
+concerned, for that he had probably ruined his family with his tricks
+almost; but perhaps he was grieved for the loss of his two children,
+Joseph and Fanny. His eldest daughter went on: "Indeed, father, it is
+very hard to bring strangers here to eat your children's bread out of
+their mouths. You have kept them ever since they came home; and, for
+anything I see to the contrary, may keep them a month longer; are you
+obliged to give her meat, tho'f she was never so handsome? But I don't
+see she is so much handsomer than other people. If people were to be
+kept for their beauty, she would scarce fare better than her neighbours,
+I believe. As for Mr Joseph, I have nothing to say; he is a young man of
+honest principles, and will pay some time or other for what he hath; but
+for the girl--why doth she not return to her place she ran away from? I
+would not give such a vagabond slut a halfpenny though I had a million
+of money; no, though she was starving." "Indeed but I would," cries
+little Dick; "and, father, rather than poor Fanny shall be starved, I
+will give her all this bread and cheese"--(offering what he held in his
+hand). Adams smiled on the boy, and told him he rejoiced to see he was a
+Christian; and that if he had a halfpenny in his pocket, he would have
+given it him; telling him it was his duty to look upon all his
+neighbours as his brothers and sisters, and love them accordingly. "Yes,
+papa," says he, "I love her better than my sisters, for she is handsomer
+than any of them." "Is she so, saucebox?" says the sister, giving him a
+box on the ear; which the father would probably have resented, had not
+Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar at that instant returned together. Adams
+bid his wife prepare some food for their dinner; she said, "Truly she
+could not, she had something else to do." Adams rebuked her for
+disputing his commands, and quoted many texts of Scripture to prove
+"That the husband is the head of the wife, and she is to submit and
+obey." The wife answered, "It was blasphemy to talk Scripture out of
+church; that such things were very proper to be said in the pulpit, but
+that it was profane to talk them in common discourse." Joseph told Mr
+Adams "He was not come with any design to give him or Mrs Adams any
+trouble; but to desire the favour of all their company to the George (an
+ale-house in the parish), where he had bespoke a piece of bacon and
+greens for their dinner." Mrs Adams, who was a very good sort of woman,
+only rather too strict in oeconomies, readily accepted this invitation,
+as did the parson himself by her example; and away they all walked
+together, not omitting little Dick, to whom Joseph gave a shilling when
+he heard of his intended liberality to Fanny.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give him no
+great pleasure._
+
+
+The pedlar had been very inquisitive from the time he had first heard
+that the great house in this parish belonged to the Lady Booby, and had
+learnt that she was the widow of Sir Thomas, and that Sir Thomas had
+bought Fanny, at about the age of three or four years, of a travelling
+woman; and, now their homely but hearty meal was ended, he told Fanny
+he believed he could acquaint her with her parents. The whole company,
+especially she herself, started at this offer of the pedlar's. He then
+proceeded thus, while they all lent their strictest attention:--"Though
+I am now contented with this humble way of getting my livelihood, I was
+formerly a gentleman; for so all those of my profession are called. In
+a word, I was a drummer in an Irish regiment of foot. Whilst I was in
+this honourable station I attended an officer of our regiment into
+England a-recruiting. In our march from Bristol to Froome (for since
+the decay of the woollen trade the clothing towns have furnished the
+army with a great number of recruits) we overtook on the road a woman,
+who seemed to be about thirty years old or thereabouts, not very
+handsome, but well enough for a soldier. As we came up to her, she
+mended her pace, and falling into discourse with our ladies (for every
+man of the party, namely, a serjeant, two private men, and a drum, were
+provided with their woman except myself), she continued to travel on
+with us. I, perceiving she must fall to my lot, advanced presently to
+her, made love to her in our military way, and quickly succeeded to my
+wishes. We struck a bargain within a mile, and lived together as man
+and wife to her dying day." "I suppose," says Adams, interrupting him,
+"you were married with a licence; for I don't see how you could
+contrive to have the banns published while you were marching from place
+to place." "No, sir," said the pedlar, "we took a licence to go to bed
+together without any banns." "Ay! ay!" said the parson; "_ex
+necessitate_, a licence may be allowable enough; but surely, surely,
+the other is the more regular and eligible way." The pedlar proceeded
+thus: "She returned with me to our regiment, and removed with us from
+quarters to quarters, till at last, whilst we lay at Galloway, she fell
+ill of a fever and died. When she was on her death-bed she called me to
+her, and, crying bitterly, declared she could not depart this world
+without discovering a secret to me, which, she said, was the only sin
+which sat heavy on her heart. She said she had formerly travelled in a
+company of gypsies, who had made a practice of stealing away children;
+that for her own part, she had been only once guilty of the crime;
+which, she said, she lamented more than all the rest of her sins, since
+probably it might have occasioned the death of the parents; for, added
+she, it is almost impossible to describe the beauty of the young
+creature, which was about a year and a half old when I kidnapped it. We
+kept her (for she was a girl) above two years in our company, when I
+sold her myself, for three guineas, to Sir Thomas Booby, in
+Somersetshire. Now, you know whether there are any more of that name in
+this county." "Yes," says Adams, "there are several Boobys who are
+squires, but I believe no baronet now alive; besides, it answers so
+exactly in every point, there is no room for doubt; but you have forgot
+to tell us the parents from whom the child was stolen." "Their name,"
+answered the pedlar, "was Andrews. They lived about thirty miles from
+the squire; and she told me that I might be sure to find them out by
+one circumstance; for that they had a daughter of a very strange name,
+Pamela, or Pam_e_la; some pronounced it one way, and some the other."
+Fanny, who had changed colour at the first mention of the name, now
+fainted away; Joseph turned pale, and poor Dicky began to roar; the
+parson fell on his knees, and ejaculated many thanksgivings that this
+discovery had been made before the dreadful sin of incest was
+committed; and the pedlar was struck with amazement, not being able to
+account for all this confusion; the cause of which was presently opened
+by the parson's daughter, who was the only unconcerned person (for the
+mother was chafing Fanny's temples, and taking the utmost care of her):
+and, indeed, Fanny was the only creature whom the daughter would not
+have pitied in her situation; wherein, though we compassionate her
+ourselves, we shall leave her for a little while, and pay a short visit
+to Lady Booby.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the
+terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride; with what
+happened on the present discovery._
+
+
+The lady sat down with her company to dinner, but eat nothing. As soon
+as her cloth was removed she whispered Pamela that she was taken a
+little ill, and desired her to entertain her husband and beau Didapper.
+She then went up into her chamber, sent for Slipslop, threw herself on
+the bed in the agonies of love, rage, and despair; nor could she conceal
+these boiling passions longer without bursting. Slipslop now approached
+her bed, and asked how her ladyship did; but, instead of revealing her
+disorder, as she intended, she entered into a long encomium on the
+beauty and virtues of Joseph Andrews; ending, at last, with expressing
+her concern that so much tenderness should be thrown away on so
+despicable an object as Fanny. Slipslop, well knowing how to humour her
+mistress's frenzy, proceeded to repeat, with exaggeration, if possible,
+all her mistress had said, and concluded with a wish that Joseph had
+been a gentleman, and that she could see her lady in the arms of such a
+husband. The lady then started from the bed, and, taking a turn or two
+across the room, cryed out, with a deep sigh, "Sure he would make any
+woman happy!"--"Your ladyship," says she, "would be the happiest woman
+in the world with him. A fig for custom and nonsense! What 'vails what
+people say? Shall I be afraid of eating sweetmeats because people may
+say I have a sweet tooth? If I had a mind to marry a man, all the world
+should not hinder me. Your ladyship hath no parents to tutelar your
+infections; besides, he is of your ladyship's family now, and as good a
+gentleman as any in the country; and why should not a woman follow her
+mind as well as man? Why should not your ladyship marry the brother as
+well as your nephew the sister. I am sure, if it was a fragrant crime, I
+would not persuade your ladyship to it."--"But, dear Slipslop," answered
+the lady, "if I could prevail on myself to commit such a weakness, there
+is that cursed Fanny in the way, whom the idiot--O how I hate and
+despise him!"--"She! a little ugly mynx," cries Slipslop; "leave her to
+me. I suppose your ladyship hath heard of Joseph's fitting with one of
+Mr Didapper's servants about her; and his master hath ordered them to
+carry her away by force this evening. I'll take care they shall not want
+assistance. I was talking with this gentleman, who was below, just when
+your ladyship sent for me."--"Go back," says the Lady Booby, "this
+instant, for I expect Mr Didapper will soon be going. Do all you can;
+for I am resolved this wench shall not be in our family: I will
+endeavour to return to the company; but let me know as soon as she is
+carried off." Slipslop went away; and her mistress began to arraign her
+own conduct in the following manner:--
+
+"What am I doing? How do I suffer this passion to creep imperceptibly
+upon me? How many days are past since I could have submitted to ask
+myself the question?--Marry a footman! Distraction! Can I afterwards
+bear the eyes of my acquaintance? But I can retire from them; retire
+with one in whom I propose more happiness than the world without him
+can give me! Retire-to feed continually on beauties which my inflamed
+imagination sickens with eagerly gazing on; to satisfy every appetite,
+every desire, with their utmost wish. Ha! and do I doat thus on a
+footman? I despise, I detest my passion.--Yet why? Is he not generous,
+gentle, kind?--Kind! to whom? to the meanest wretch, a creature below my
+consideration. Doth he not--yes, he doth prefer her. Curse his beauties,
+and the little low heart that possesses them; which can basely descend
+to this despicable wench, and be ungratefully deaf to all the honours I
+do him. And can I then love this monster? No, I will tear his image from
+my bosom, tread on him, spurn him. I will have those pitiful charms,
+which now I despise, mangled in my sight; for I will not suffer the
+little jade I hate to riot in the beauties I contemn. No; though I
+despise him myself, though I would spurn him from my feet, was he to
+languish at them, no other should taste the happiness I scorn. Why do I
+say happiness? To me it would be misery. To sacrifice my reputation, my
+character, my rank in life, to the indulgence of a mean and a vile
+appetite! How I detest the thought! How much more exquisite is the
+pleasure resulting from the reflection of virtue and prudence than the
+faint relish of what flows from vice and folly! Whither did I suffer
+this improper, this mad passion to hurry me, only by neglecting to
+summon the aids of reason to my assistance? Reason, which hath now set
+before me my desires in their proper colours, and immediately helped me
+to expel them. Yes, I thank Heaven and my pride, I have now perfectly
+conquered this unworthy passion; and if there was no obstacle in its
+way, my pride would disdain any pleasures which could be the consequence
+of so base, so mean, so vulgar--" Slipslop returned at this instant in a
+violent hurry, and with the utmost eagerness cryed out, "O madam! I have
+strange news. Tom the footman is just come from the George; where, it
+seems, Joseph and the rest of them are a jinketting; and he says there
+is a strange man who hath discovered that Fanny and Joseph are brother
+and sister."--"How, Slipslop?" cries the lady, in a surprize.--"I had
+not time, madam," cries Slipslop, "to enquire about particles, but Tom
+says it is most certainly true."
+
+This unexpected account entirely obliterated all those admirable
+reflections which the supreme power of reason had so wisely made just
+before. In short, when despair, which had more share in producing the
+resolutions of hatred we have seen taken, began to retreat, the lady
+hesitated a moment, and then, forgetting all the purport of her
+soliloquy, dismissed her woman again, with orders to bid Tom attend her
+in the parlour, whither she now hastened to acquaint Pamela with the
+news. Pamela said she could not believe it; for she had never heard that
+her mother had lost any child, or that she had ever had any more than
+Joseph and herself. The lady flew into a violent rage with her, and
+talked of upstarts and disowning relations who had so lately been on a
+level with her. Pamela made no answer; but her husband, taking up her
+cause, severely reprimanded his aunt for her behaviour to his wife: he
+told her, if it had been earlier in the evening she should not have
+staid a moment longer in her house; that he was convinced, if this young
+woman could be proved her sister, she would readily embrace her as such,
+and he himself would do the same. He then desired the fellow might be
+sent for, and the young woman with him, which Lady Booby immediately
+ordered; and, thinking proper to make some apology to Pamela for what
+she had said, it was readily accepted, and all things reconciled.
+
+The pedlar now attended, as did Fanny and Joseph, who would not quit
+her; the parson likewise was induced, not only by curiosity, of which he
+had no small portion, but his duty, as he apprehended it, to follow
+them; for he continued all the way to exhort them, who were now breaking
+their hearts, to offer up thanksgivings, and be joyful for so miraculous
+an escape.
+
+When they arrived at Booby-Hall they were presently called into the
+parlour, where the pedlar repeated the same story he had told before,
+and insisted on the truth of every circumstance; so that all who heard
+him were extremely well satisfied of the truth, except Pamela, who
+imagined, as she had never heard either of her parents mention such an
+accident, that it must be certainly false; and except the Lady Booby,
+who suspected the falsehood of the story from her ardent desire that it
+should be true; and Joseph, who feared its truth, from his earnest
+wishes that it might prove false.
+
+Mr Booby now desired them all to suspend their curiosity and absolute
+belief or disbelief till the next morning, when he expected old Mr
+Andrews and his wife to fetch himself and Pamela home in his coach, and
+then they might be certain of certainly knowing the truth or falsehood
+of this relation; in which, he said, as there were many strong
+circumstances to induce their credit, so he could not perceive any
+interest the pedlar could have in inventing it, or in endeavouring to
+impose such a falsehood on them.
+
+The Lady Booby, who was very little used to such company, entertained
+them all--_viz_. her nephew, his wife, her brother and sister, the beau,
+and the parson, with great good humour at her own table. As to the
+pedlar, she ordered him to be made as welcome as possible by her
+servants. All the company in the parlour, except the disappointed
+lovers, who sat sullen and silent, were full of mirth; for Mr Booby had
+prevailed on Joseph to ask Mr Didapper's pardon, with which he was
+perfectly satisfied. Many jokes passed between the beau and the parson,
+chiefly on each other's dress; these afforded much diversion to the
+company. Pamela chid her brother Joseph for the concern which he exprest
+at discovering a new sister. She said, if he loved Fanny as he ought,
+with a pure affection, he had no reason to lament being related to
+her.--Upon which Adams began to discourse on Platonic love; whence he
+made a quick transition to the joys in the next world, and concluded
+with strongly asserting that there was no such thing as pleasure in
+this. At which Pamela and her husband smiled on one another.
+
+This happy pair proposing to retire (for no other person gave the least
+symptom of desiring rest), they all repaired to several beds provided
+for them in the same house; nor was Adams himself suffered to go home,
+it being a stormy night. Fanny indeed often begged she might go home
+with the parson; but her stay was so strongly insisted on, that she at
+last, by Joseph's advice, consented.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+_Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell
+into many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly
+to his inadvertency._
+
+
+About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three in
+the morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not
+to close his eyes, but had employed his imagination in contrivances how
+to satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped to
+effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay,
+and had received his information; he therefore arose, put on his
+breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to
+her apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he opened
+it with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now
+invaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet a
+young creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on a
+cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for there
+was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered in
+Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I am
+come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we
+last night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will I
+be delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient
+assurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would be
+want of love to deny me the possession of thy charms."--So saying, he
+disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leaping
+into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture.
+If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to
+find his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this
+sweet confusion; for both he and his paramour presently discovered their
+error. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he had
+engaged; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she had
+mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative of
+Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, that
+light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture.
+Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to
+escape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it; but
+the watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, being
+disappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promised
+her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue.
+Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late
+conduct had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had a
+wonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunate
+beau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion of
+her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered to
+leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same time
+roaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I
+believe, ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I will
+prosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get
+loose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out
+"Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which words, parson Adams, who
+lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar's
+discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of
+clothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He
+made directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's
+skin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and finding his skin
+extremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to let
+him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger of
+ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on
+Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed;
+he therefore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then,
+turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, his
+wrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly,
+that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed by
+her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the
+ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed
+and scratched as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her in
+his endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her.
+She then cried she was a woman; but Adams answered, she was rather the
+devil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, being again
+irritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance
+in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the
+house. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had
+fallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, and
+then both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakeful
+as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning; and, being a
+woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, and
+slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her
+hand, she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered just
+at the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which
+Slipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. He
+then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gave
+suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room,
+cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams,
+perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him)
+just as she came to the feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when she
+found the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. She
+then began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, and
+particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the scene
+of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality.
+Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and,
+now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady
+Booby herself, and immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence the
+chaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forth
+his head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel nightcap, he
+protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons of Mrs Slipslop
+for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch.
+Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something
+sparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to
+be a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther
+she saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!"
+says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, madam," says Slipslop, "I
+don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may have
+been a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt and
+jewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the young
+gentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence
+proceeded all the subsequent mistakes; for if I had suspected him for a
+man, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though,
+indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account of
+the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into
+the room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose
+heads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could
+not refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the
+parson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him to
+return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then ordering
+Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself
+thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to
+Mrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but
+began to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint
+to begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his way
+towards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning to the right, he
+turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (as
+the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, and
+who was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that,
+notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so
+profound a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not been
+able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothes
+down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in,
+and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman
+had always assigned him.
+
+As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand lovers
+languish, lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorant
+of the scene of delight on which they repose, meditates the future
+capture of a mouse, or surprisal of a plate of bread and butter: so
+Adams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the paradise to which he was
+so near; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from her breath
+overpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils.
+And now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who had
+secretly appointed Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rapped
+softly at the chamber-door, which when he had repeated twice, Adams
+cryed, "Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought he had mistaken the
+door, though she had given him the most exact directions; however,
+knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestments
+lying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching out
+her hand on Adams's beard, she cried out,--"O heavens! where am I?"
+"Bless me! where am I?" said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adams
+leapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as the tragedians call it, like the
+statue of Surprize. "How came she into my room?" cryed Adams. "How came
+you into hers?" cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. "I know nothing of the
+matter," answered Adams, "but that she is a vestal for me. As I am a
+Christian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidel
+who doth not believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in the
+days of Saul. My clothes are bewitched away too, and Fanny's brought
+into their place." For he still insisted he was in his own apartment;
+but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting to persuade
+Joseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. "How!"
+said Joseph in a rage, "hath he offered any rudeness to you?" She
+answered--She could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealing
+to bed to her, which she thought rudeness sufficient, and what no man
+would do without a wicked intention.
+
+Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and when
+he heard from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler;
+yet still he was confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that the
+women's apartments were on this side Mrs Slipslop's room, and the men's
+on the other, he was convinced that he was in Fanny's chamber. Assuring
+Adams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some account how he
+came there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offend
+Fanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that had
+happened; and when he had ended Joseph told him,--It was plain he had
+mistaken by turning to the right instead of the left. "Odso!" cries
+Adams, "that's true: as sure as sixpence, you have hit on the very
+thing." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and begged
+Fanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man or
+woman. That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him she
+was no longer angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his own
+apartment, where he should stay himself till she had put her clothes on.
+Joseph and Adams accordingly departed, and the latter soon was convinced
+of the mistake he had committed; however, whilst he was dressing
+himself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraft
+notwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+_The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews, with another person not
+much expected; and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by
+the pedlar._
+
+
+As soon as Fanny was drest Joseph returned to her, and they had a long
+conversation together, the conclusion of which was, that, if they found
+themselves to be really brother and sister, they vowed a perpetual
+celibacy, and to live together all their days, and indulge a Platonic
+friendship for each other.
+
+The company were all very merry at breakfast, and Joseph and Fanny
+rather more chearful than the preceding night. The Lady Booby produced
+the diamond button, which the beau most readily owned, and alledged that
+he was very subject to walk in his sleep. Indeed, he was far from being
+ashamed of his amour, and rather endeavoured to insinuate that more than
+was really true had passed between him and the fair Slipslop.
+
+Their tea was scarce over when news came of the arrival of old Mr
+Andrews and his wife. They were immediately introduced, and kindly
+received by the Lady Booby, whose heart went now pit-a-pat, as did those
+of Joseph and Fanny. They felt, perhaps, little less anxiety in this
+interval than Oedipus himself, whilst his fate was revealing.
+
+Mr Booby first opened the cause by informing the old gentleman that he
+had a child in the company more than he knew of, and, taking Fanny by
+the hand, told him, this was that daughter of his who had been stolen
+away by gypsies in her infancy. Mr Andrews, after expressing some
+astonishment, assured his honour that he had never lost a daughter by
+gypsies, nor ever had any other children than Joseph and Pamela. These
+words were a cordial to the two lovers; but had a different effect on
+Lady Booby. She ordered the pedlar to be called, who recounted his story
+as he had done before.--At the end of which, old Mrs Andrews, running to
+Fanny, embraced her, crying out, "She is, she is my child!" The company
+were all amazed at this disagreement between the man and his wife; and
+the blood had now forsaken the cheeks of the lovers, when the old woman,
+turning to her husband, who was more surprized than all the rest, and
+having a little recovered her own spirits, delivered herself as follows:
+"You may remember, my dear, when you went a serjeant to Gibraltar, you
+left me big with child; you stayed abroad, you know, upwards of three
+years. In your absence I was brought to bed, I verily believe, of this
+daughter, whom I am sure I have reason to remember, for I suckled her at
+this very breast till the day she was stolen from me. One afternoon,
+when the child was about a year, or a year and a half old, or
+thereabouts, two gypsy-women came to the door and offered to tell my
+fortune. One of them had a child in her lap. I showed them my hand, and
+desired to know if you was ever to come home again, which I remember as
+well as if it was but yesterday: they faithfully promised me you
+should.--I left the girl in the cradle and went to draw them a cup of
+liquor, the best I had: when I returned with the pot (I am sure I was
+not absent longer than whilst I am telling it to you) the women were
+gone. I was afraid they had stolen something, and looked and looked, but
+to no purpose, and, Heaven knows, I had very little for them to steal.
+At last, hearing the child cry in the cradle, I went to take it up--but,
+O the living! how was I surprized to find, instead of my own girl that I
+had put into the cradle, who was as fine a fat thriving child as you
+shall see in a summer's day, a poor sickly boy, that did not seem to
+have an hour to live. I ran out, pulling my hair off and crying like any
+mad after the women, but never could hear a word of them from that day
+to this. When I came back the poor infant (which is our Joseph there, as
+stout as he now stands) lifted up its eyes upon me so piteously, that,
+to be sure, notwithstanding my passion, I could not find in my heart to
+do it any mischief. A neighbour of mine, happening to come in at the
+same time, and hearing the case, advised me to take care of this poor
+child, and God would perhaps one day restore me my own. Upon which I
+took the child up, and suckled it to be sure, all the world as if it had
+been born of my own natural body; and as true as I am alive, in a little
+time I loved the boy all to nothing as if it had been my own
+girl.--Well, as I was saying, times growing very hard, I having two
+children and nothing but my own work, which was little enough, God
+knows, to maintain them, was obliged to ask relief of the parish; but,
+instead of giving it me, they removed me, by justices' warrants, fifteen
+miles, to the place where I now live, where I had not been long settled
+before you came home. Joseph (for that was the name I gave him
+myself--the Lord knows whether he was baptized or no, or by what name),
+Joseph, I say, seemed to me about five years old when you returned; for
+I believe he is two or three years older than our daughter here (for I
+am thoroughly convinced she is the same); and when you saw him you said
+he was a chopping boy, without ever minding his age; and so I, seeing
+you did not suspect anything of the matter, thought I might e'en as well
+keep it to myself, for fear you should not love him as well as I did.
+And all this is veritably true, and I will take my oath of it before any
+justice in the kingdom."
+
+The pedlar, who had been summoned by the order of Lady Booby, listened
+with the utmost attention to Gammar Andrews's story; and, when she had
+finished, asked her if the supposititious child had no mark on its
+breast? To which she answered, "Yes, he had as fine a strawberry as ever
+grew in a garden." This Joseph acknowledged, and, unbuttoning his coat,
+at the intercession of the company, showed to them. "Well," says Gaffar
+Andrews, who was a comical sly old fellow, and very likely desired to
+have no more children than he could keep, "you have proved, I think,
+very plainly, that this boy doth not belong to us; but how are you
+certain that the girl is ours?" The parson then brought the pedlar
+forward, and desired him to repeat the story which he had communicated
+to him the preceding day at the ale-house; which he complied with, and
+related what the reader, as well as Mr Adams, hath seen before. He then
+confirmed, from his wife's report, all the circumstances of the
+exchange, and of the strawberry on Joseph's breast. At the repetition of
+the word strawberry, Adams, who had seen it without any emotion, started
+and cried, "Bless me! something comes into my head." But before he had
+time to bring anything out a servant called him forth. When he was gone
+the pedlar assured Joseph that his parents were persons of much greater
+circumstances than those he had hitherto mistaken for such; for that he
+had been stolen from a gentleman's house by those whom they call
+gypsies, and had been kept by them during a whole year, when, looking on
+him as in a dying condition, they had exchanged him for the other
+healthier child, in the manner before related. He said, As to the name
+of his father, his wife had either never known or forgot it; but that
+she had acquainted him he lived about forty miles from the place where
+the exchange had been made, and which way, promising to spare no pains
+in endeavouring with him to discover the place.
+
+But Fortune, which seldom doth good or ill, or makes men happy or
+miserable, by halves, resolved to spare him this labour. The reader may
+please to recollect that Mr Wilson had intended a journey to the west,
+in which he was to pass through Mr Adams's parish, and had promised to
+call on him. He was now arrived at the Lady Booby's gates for that
+purpose, being directed thither from the parson's house, and had sent in
+the servant whom we have above seen call Mr Adams forth. This had no
+sooner mentioned the discovery of a stolen child, and had uttered the
+word strawberry, than Mr Wilson, with wildness in his looks, and the
+utmost eagerness in his words, begged to be shewed into the room, where
+he entered without the least regard to any of the company but Joseph,
+and, embracing him with a complexion all pale and trembling, desired to
+see the mark on his breast; the parson followed him capering, rubbing
+his hands, and crying out, _Hic est quem quaeris; inventus est, &c_.
+Joseph complied with the request of Mr Wilson, who no sooner saw the
+mark than, abandoning himself to the most extravagant rapture of
+passion, he embraced Joseph with inexpressible ecstasy, and cried out in
+tears of joy, "I have discovered my son, I have him again in my arms!"
+Joseph was not sufficiently apprized yet to taste the same delight with
+his father (for so in reality he was); however, he returned some warmth
+to his embraces: but he no sooner perceived, from his father's account,
+the agreement of every circumstance, of person, time, and place, than he
+threw himself at his feet, and, embracing his knees, with tears begged
+his blessing, which was given with much affection, and received with
+such respect, mixed with such tenderness on both sides, that it affected
+all present; but none so much as Lady Booby, who left the room in an
+agony, which was but too much perceived, and not very charitably
+accounted for by some of the company.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+_Being the last in which this true history is brought to a happy
+conclusion._
+
+
+Fanny was very little behind her Joseph in the duty she exprest towards
+her parents, and the joy she evidenced in discovering them. Gammar
+Andrews kissed her, and said, She was heartily glad to see her; but for
+her part, she could never love any one better than Joseph. Gaffar
+Andrews testified no remarkable emotion: he blessed and kissed her, but
+complained bitterly that he wanted his pipe, not having had a whiff
+that morning.
+
+Mr Booby, who knew nothing of his aunt's fondness, imputed her abrupt
+departure to her pride, and disdain of the family into which he was
+married; he was therefore desirous to be gone with the utmost celerity;
+and now, having congratulated Mr Wilson and Joseph on the discovery, he
+saluted Fanny, called her sister, and introduced her as such to Pamela,
+who behaved with great decency on the occasion.
+
+He now sent a message to his aunt, who returned that she wished him a
+good journey, but was too disordered to see any company: he therefore
+prepared to set out, having invited Mr Wilson to his house; and Pamela
+and Joseph both so insisted on his complying, that he at last
+consented, having first obtained a messenger from Mr Booby to acquaint
+his wife with the news; which, as he knew it would render her
+completely happy, he could not prevail on himself to delay a moment in
+acquainting her with.
+
+The company were ranged in this manner: the two old people, with their
+two daughters, rode in the coach; the squire, Mr Wilson, Joseph, parson
+Adams, and the pedlar, proceeded on horseback.
+
+In their way, Joseph informed his father of his intended match with
+Fanny; to which, though he expressed some reluctance at first, on the
+eagerness of his son's instances he consented; saying, if she was so
+good a creature as she appeared, and he described her, he thought the
+disadvantages of birth and fortune might be compensated. He however
+insisted on the match being deferred till he had seen his mother; in
+which, Joseph perceiving him positive, with great duty obeyed him, to
+the great delight of parson Adams, who by these means saw an
+opportunity of fulfilling the Church forms, and marrying his
+parishioners without a licence.
+
+Mr Adams, greatly exulting on this occasion (for such ceremonies were
+matters of no small moment with him), accidentally gave spurs to his
+horse, which the generous beast disdaining--for he was of high mettle,
+and had been used to more expert riders than the gentleman who at
+present bestrode him, for whose horsemanship he had perhaps some
+contempt--immediately ran away full speed, and played so many antic
+tricks that he tumbled the parson from his back; which Joseph
+perceiving, came to his relief.
+
+This accident afforded infinite merriment to the servants, and no less
+frighted poor Fanny, who beheld him as he passed by the coach; but the
+mirth of the one and terror of the other were soon determined, when the
+parson declared he had received no damage.
+
+The horse having freed himself from his unworthy rider, as he probably
+thought him, proceeded to make the best of his way; but was stopped by a
+gentleman and his servants, who were travelling the opposite way, and
+were now at a little distance from the coach. They soon met; and as one
+of the servants delivered Adams his horse, his master hailed him, and
+Adams, looking up, presently recollected he was the justice of peace
+before whom he and Fanny had made their appearance. The parson presently
+saluted him very kindly; and the justice informed him that he had found
+the fellow who attempted to swear against him and the young woman the
+very next day, and had committed him to Salisbury gaol, where he was
+charged with many robberies.
+
+Many compliments having passed between the parson and the justice, the
+latter proceeded on his journey; and the former, having with some
+disdain refused Joseph's offer of changing horses, and declared he was
+as able a horseman as any in the kingdom, remounted his beast; and now
+the company again proceeded, and happily arrived at their journey's
+end, Mr Adams, by good luck, rather than by good riding, escaping a
+second fall.
+
+The company, arriving at Mr Booby's house, were all received by him in
+the most courteous and entertained in the most splendid manner, after
+the custom of the old English hospitality, which is still preserved in
+some very few families in the remote parts of England. They all passed
+that day with the utmost satisfaction; it being perhaps impossible to
+find any set of people more solidly and sincerely happy. Joseph and
+Fanny found means to be alone upwards of two hours, which were the
+shortest but the sweetest imaginable.
+
+In the morning Mr Wilson proposed to his son to make a visit with him to
+his mother; which, notwithstanding his dutiful inclinations, and a
+longing desire he had to see her, a little concerned him, as he must be
+obliged to leave his Fanny; but the goodness of Mr Booby relieved him;
+for he proposed to send his own coach and six for Mrs Wilson, whom
+Pamela so very earnestly invited, that Mr Wilson at length agreed with
+the entreaties of Mr Booby and Joseph, and suffered the coach to go
+empty for his wife.
+
+On Saturday night the coach returned with Mrs Wilson, who added one more
+to this happy assembly. The reader may imagine much better and quicker
+too than I can describe the many embraces and tears of joy which
+succeeded her arrival. It is sufficient to say she was easily prevailed
+with to follow her husband's example in consenting to the match.
+
+On Sunday Mr Adams performed the service at the squire's parish church,
+the curate of which very kindly exchanged duty, and rode twenty miles to
+the Lady Booby's parish so to do; being particularly charged not to omit
+publishing the banns, being the third and last time.
+
+At length the happy day arrived which was to put Joseph in the
+possession of all his wishes. He arose, and drest himself in a neat but
+plain suit of Mr Booby's, which exactly fitted him; for he refused all
+finery; as did Fanny likewise, who could be prevailed on by Pamela to
+attire herself in nothing richer than a white dimity nightgown. Her
+shift indeed, which Pamela presented her, was of the finest kind, and
+had an edging of lace round the bosom. She likewise equipped her with a
+pair of fine white thread stockings, which were all she would accept;
+for she wore one of her own short round-eared caps, and over it a
+little straw hat, lined with cherry-coloured silk, and tied with a
+cherry-coloured ribbon. In this dress she came forth from her chamber,
+blushing and breathing sweets; and was by Joseph, whose eyes sparkled
+fire, led to church, the whole family attending, where Mr Adams
+performed the ceremony; at which nothing was so remarkable as the
+extraordinary and unaffected modesty of Fanny, unless the true
+Christian piety of Adams, who publickly rebuked Mr Booby and Pamela for
+laughing in so sacred a place, and on so solemn an occasion. Our parson
+would have done no less to the highest prince on earth; for, though he
+paid all submission and deference to his superiors in other matters,
+where the least spice of religion intervened he immediately lost all
+respect of persons. It was his maxim, that he was a servant of the
+Highest, and could not, without departing from his duty, give up the
+least article of his honour or of his cause to the greatest earthly
+potentate. Indeed, he always asserted that Mr Adams at church with his
+surplice on, and Mr Adams without that ornament in any other place,
+were two very different persons.
+
+When the church rites were over Joseph led his blooming bride back to Mr
+Booby's (for the distance was so very little they did not think proper
+to use a coach); the whole company attended them likewise on foot; and
+now a most magnificent entertainment was provided, at which parson Adams
+demonstrated an appetite surprizing as well as surpassing every one
+present. Indeed the only persons who betrayed any deficiency on this
+occasion were those on whose account the feast was provided. They
+pampered their imaginations with the much more exquisite repast which
+the approach of night promised them; the thoughts of which filled both
+their minds, though with different sensations; the one all desire, while
+the other had her wishes tempered with fears.
+
+At length, after a day passed with the utmost merriment, corrected by
+the strictest decency, in which, however, parson Adams, being well
+filled with ale and pudding, had given a loose to more facetiousness
+than was usual to him, the happy, the blest moment arrived when Fanny
+retired with her mother, her mother-in-law, and her sister.
+
+She was soon undrest; for she had no jewels to deposit in their caskets,
+nor fine laces to fold with the nicest exactness. Undressing to her was
+properly discovering, not putting off, ornaments; for, as all her charms
+were the gifts of nature, she could divest herself of none. How, reader,
+shall I give thee an adequate idea of this lovely young creature? the
+bloom of roses and lilies might a little illustrate her complexion, or
+their smell her sweetness; but to comprehend her entirely, conceive
+youth, health, bloom, neatness, and innocence, in her bridal bed;
+conceive all these in their utmost perfection, and you may place the
+charming Fanny's picture before your eyes.
+
+Joseph no sooner heard she was in bed than he fled with the utmost
+eagerness to her. A minute carried him into her arms, where we shall
+leave this happy couple to enjoy the private rewards of their constancy;
+rewards so great and sweet, that I apprehend Joseph neither envied the
+noblest duke, nor Fanny the finest duchess, that night.
+
+The third day Mr Wilson and his wife, with their son and daughter,
+returned home; where they now live together in a state of bliss scarce
+ever equalled. Mr Booby hath, with unprecedented generosity, given Fanny
+a fortune of two thousand pounds, which Joseph hath laid out in a little
+estate in the same parish with his father, which he now occupies (his
+father having stocked it for him); and Fanny presides with most
+excellent management in his dairy; where, however, she is not at present
+very able to bustle much, being, as Mr Wilson informs me in his last
+letter, extremely big with her first child.
+
+Mr Booby hath presented Mr Adams with a living of one hundred and
+thirty pounds a year. He at first refused it, resolving not to quit
+his parishioners, with whom he had lived so long; but, on
+recollecting he might keep a curate at this living, he hath been
+lately inducted into it.
+
+The pedlar, besides several handsome presents, both from Mr Wilson and
+Mr Booby, is, by the latter's interest, made an exciseman; a trust which
+he discharges with such justice, that he is greatly beloved in his
+neighbourhood.
+
+As for the Lady Booby, she returned to London in a few days, where a
+young captain of dragoons, together with eternal parties at cards, soon
+obliterated the memory of Joseph.
+
+Joseph remains blest with his Fanny, whom he doats on with the utmost
+tenderness, which is all returned on her side. The happiness of this
+couple is a perpetual fountain of pleasure to their fond parents; and,
+what is particularly remarkable, he declares he will imitate them in
+their retirement, nor will be prevailed on by any booksellers, or their
+authors, to make his appearance in high life.
+
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding
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