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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles
+Dickens, Illustrated by Hablot Knight Browne
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen
+
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2015  [eBook #918]
+[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall _Sketches by Boz_ edition by
+David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+
+
+
+
+                       SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN
+
+
+                           TO THE YOUNG LADIES
+                                  OF THE
+               United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland;
+                                   ALSO
+                             THE YOUNG LADIES
+                                    OF
+                        THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES,
+                               AND LIKEWISE
+                             THE YOUNG LADIES
+                         RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF
+                  Guernsey, Jersey, Alderney, and Sark,
+             THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,
+
+SHEWETH,—
+
+THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation, a
+work purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written by Quiz,
+illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo.
+
+THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
+Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable
+sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo
+or any other mo.
+
+THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable sex
+are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is
+not at present prepared to deny that you _are_ animals, still he humbly
+submits that it is not polite to call you so.
+
+THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described as
+Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex
+or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and
+disrespectful appellation.
+
+THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice
+prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator
+contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz,
+which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and implies
+an intention of quizzing.
+
+THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author of the
+said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by
+some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have
+acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs of your
+Honourable sex in general.
+
+THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
+slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the
+said work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young Ladies,’ your
+Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled
+‘Sketches of Young Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits your acceptance
+and approval.
+
+THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen,
+so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies;
+and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful
+language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly
+suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should
+possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex
+who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in
+swallowing the last,—prevention being in all cases better than cure, as
+we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment,
+but also of traditionary wisdom.
+
+THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no
+further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions
+issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable
+sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty of
+Number 2, without delay.
+
+                                   And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+                                         PAGE
+The Bashful Young Gentleman               403
+The Out-and-out Young Gentleman           407
+The Very Friendly Young Gentleman         410
+The Military Young Gentleman              414
+The Political Young Gentleman             418
+The Domestic Young Gentleman              421
+The Censorious Young Gentleman            424
+The Funny Young Gentleman                 427
+The Theatrical Young Gentleman            431
+The Poetical Young Gentleman              433
+The ‘Throwing-off’ Young Gentleman        436
+The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman         439
+Conclusion                                443
+
+
+
+
+THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite a
+stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly
+attracted our attention.
+
+This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise of
+light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very
+velvet-like, soft-looking countenance.  We do not use the latter term
+invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump,
+highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather
+remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or striking
+expression it presented.  His whole face was suffused with a crimson
+blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man
+ill at ease with himself.
+
+There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
+remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young
+gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs, into
+which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards us who
+were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons who
+warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed
+it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he
+dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way a fine
+little girl of six years and a quarter old—and shrouding himself behind
+some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess
+detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was
+requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and
+thirty.
+
+This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
+gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high
+respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had
+not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a
+desperate effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the
+bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random.  This
+impression was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful
+young gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view
+of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.
+
+The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings, and
+turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his
+loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.  There was nothing very bad in
+this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and say
+nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would have
+been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful
+attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen in
+the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and then
+giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with
+great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the
+unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who
+was dispensing the contents.  We thought the bashful young gentleman
+would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent
+rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.
+
+From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that it
+was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman, and so indeed it was.
+Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by
+taking wine with him, but finding that it only augmented his sufferings,
+and that after mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he
+applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of
+internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the exclusive
+care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye,
+firmly believed she had secured a listener.  He broke a glass or two in
+the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is
+inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the
+house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s hat.
+
+This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent
+characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this
+portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future
+generations, we record them here for their guidance and behoof.
+
+If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance to
+stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance,
+nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation.  His first impulse is to
+make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does until,
+observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or
+not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the
+same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary dodging and
+falling up against the other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most
+affectionately with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their
+grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very
+muddy and disordered.  The chances are that the bashful young gentleman
+then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has
+only just left off raining for the first time these three days, he
+blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing.  The
+young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with an air of
+great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; to which the
+young gentleman, without the slightest consideration, replies with many
+thanks, that she is remarkably well.  ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the
+young lady, ‘why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been
+perfectly miserable about her.’  ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman, ‘so
+she was.  Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’  The young gentleman then
+shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been smiling
+perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause, gives his glove a
+great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a strong emphasis on the
+adjective, ‘_Good_ morning, _good_ morning.’  And making a great number
+of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to his sister, walks
+backward a few paces, and comes with great violence against a lamp-post,
+knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and
+bodily pain he is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a
+carter attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile
+cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the
+satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.
+
+At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as near
+the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he smiles at
+the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward to shake
+hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition
+seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before.  He declines dancing the
+first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather wait
+a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself to be
+introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing
+furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies
+are congregated together.
+
+‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’
+Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously.  Mr. Hopkins bows, and his
+fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows,
+to make himself agreeable.  The young lady more than half expects that
+the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the bashful young
+gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has got anything to
+say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he
+has not, since nothing occurs to him.  Meanwhile, the young lady, after
+several inspections of her _bouquet_, all made in the expectation that
+the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who is
+sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman immediately
+suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be about _him_.  In
+this comfortable condition he remains until it is time to ‘stand up,’
+when murmuring a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm,
+and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that she
+has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and
+making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate failure,
+preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her
+twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in
+confusion.
+
+A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do get married
+sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to us—a married
+bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold by contrast, or
+merges her proper importance in his own insignificance.  Bashful young
+gentlemen should be cured, or avoided.  They are never hopeless, and
+never will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their
+influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth while on
+this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.
+
+
+
+
+THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+OUT-AND-OUT young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—those who
+have something to do, and those who have nothing.  I shall commence with
+the former, because that species come more frequently under the notice of
+young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to instruct.
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
+instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general
+direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a regular bang-up sort of thing.’
+For some years past, the favourite costume of the out-and-out young
+gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to
+the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or
+fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown;
+tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots.  Out of doors he sometimes
+carries a large ash stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers
+keeping his hands in his coat pockets.  He smokes at all hours, of
+course, and swears considerably.
+
+                [Picture: The out-and-out Young Gentleman]
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house or
+solicitor’s office, in which he does as little as he possibly can: his
+chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the theatres.
+In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a
+pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and
+other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford them
+the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of
+their being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially.  In
+all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to select
+each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length, and (if the
+weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees
+up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if
+any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes ample
+revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way to do it.  He
+always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his stick in the air while
+the play is proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if
+it be possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a
+little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element,
+squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner
+possible.  If they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman who has a
+family of daughters under his charge, they are like to die with laughing,
+and boast of it among their companions for a week afterwards, adding,
+that one or two of them were ‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really
+thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted
+to render the joke complete.
+
+If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of course
+he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things!)
+having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and moping
+for him.  Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, he
+cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s,
+with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or two,
+smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his
+rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses
+nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the
+way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by the
+recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu
+dinner at a fighting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place on a
+dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, which is
+probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant.
+
+As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in ladies’
+society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when they reach the
+friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him,
+remains there without being much troubled by the attentions of other
+people, until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman,
+whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind of
+free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and towards
+whom he accordingly makes his way.  Conversation being soon opened by
+some casual remark, the second out-and-outer confidentially informs the
+first, that he is one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing,
+only he couldn’t very well be off coming; to which the other replies,
+that that’s just his case—‘and I’ll tell you what,’ continues the
+out-and-outer in a whisper, ‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and
+water just now,’—‘Or a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other
+out-and-outer.
+
+The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each of
+them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands what’s
+what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially when it
+appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long
+favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ who upon divers
+occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would not have
+disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been a pretty long time about
+town—had the honour of once shaking hands with the celebrated Mr.
+Thurtell himself.
+
+At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening up
+very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud their
+intention of beginning to spend the evening—a process which is generally
+understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is
+drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out
+young gentlemen execute to perfection.  Having protracted their sitting
+until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to the
+drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters empty,
+they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, and faces
+rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the house whispers her
+friends as they waltz together, to the great terror of the whole room,
+that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in
+their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately _rather too
+wild_!’
+
+The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
+persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning any,
+enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.  These respectable gentlemen,
+without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external appearance,
+are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive characteristics,
+in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way
+into society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out young
+gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who usually pay their
+tavern bills.  As they are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty,
+intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them
+to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that
+some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are
+perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the
+light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a
+strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of
+construction.
+
+
+
+
+THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE know—and all people know—so many specimens of this class, that in
+selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number,
+we have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the
+preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory view of
+the question we had felt disposed to assign the priority.
+
+The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, but he
+attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families:
+regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, or
+some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest.  He is of any
+age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of
+children, and is expected to make himself generally useful if possible.
+Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest mode
+and the clearest.
+
+We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost
+sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety to renew our
+former intimacy—urged us to dine with him on an early day, that we might
+talk over old times.  We readily assented, adding, that we hoped we
+should be alone.  ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend, ‘not a
+soul with us but Mincin.’  ‘And who is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry.
+‘O don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, ‘he’s a most particular friend of
+mine, and a very friendly fellow you will find him;’ and so he left us.
+
+‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves at the
+house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned towards
+a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the fireplace,
+and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken.
+It required no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr.
+Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman.
+
+‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our hand
+warmly between both of his, ‘I am delighted, I am sure, to make your
+acquaintance—(here he smiled)—very much delighted indeed—(here he
+exhibited a little emotion)—I assure you that I have looked forward to it
+anxiously for a very long time:’ here he released our hands, and rubbing
+his own, observed, that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to
+perceive from our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then
+went on to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he
+had that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to
+the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of
+Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet
+seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very
+extraordinary piece of intelligence.  We ventured to remark, that we had
+a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a similar
+paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us
+confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we
+were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by putting in
+such things.  Who the deuce, he should like to know, did they suppose
+cared about them? that struck him as being the best of it.
+
+The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin’s
+friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in
+consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large
+easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully
+closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see that
+they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points, he
+expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she
+found herself to-day.  Upon the lady’s replying very well, Mr. Mincin
+(who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some general remarks
+upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us
+agreeably until dinner-time.  During the meal, he devoted himself to
+complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an
+uncommonly agreeable quartette.
+
+‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he closed
+the room door after the lady had retired, ‘you have very great reason to
+be fond of your wife.  Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!’  ‘Nay, Mincin—I
+beg,’ interposed the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper
+unquestionably was particularly sweet.  ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’  ‘Why
+not?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not?  Why should you feel any delicacy
+before your old friend—_our_ old friend, if I may be allowed to call you
+so, sir; why should you, I ask?’  We of course wished to know why he
+should also, upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper _was_ a very
+sweet woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and begged to
+propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said,
+‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to
+understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s cousin’s life no less
+than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no common
+circumstance—an opinion to which we most cordially subscribed.
+
+Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation, Mr.
+Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent; he was
+so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk about
+anything in which he had not the chief concern.  We happened to allude to
+some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly
+fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke
+which our friend had made on that day four years, which he positively
+must insist upon telling—and which he did tell accordingly, with many
+pleasant recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and
+how he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on the
+very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime,
+and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the lobby, where she
+smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many
+other interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly
+young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had experienced a
+marvellously prophetic opinion of that same pantomime, which was of such
+an admirable kind, that two morning papers took the same view next day:
+to this our friend replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance
+he had some reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly
+young gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct;
+and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink
+one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved
+the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart.
+Finally, our friend having emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you,
+Mincin,’—and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much
+affection and earnestness.
+
+But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene like
+this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased _éclat_.
+Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the
+Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear
+friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to
+mention.  He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but
+how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his
+dear friends!  If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one
+little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin
+on the carpet riding on his foot.  He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper
+on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously,
+and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious
+old lady to consider herself neglected.  If any young lady, being
+prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her
+tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which she
+must take medicinally.  If any gentleman be standing by the piano during
+the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point
+of the melody, and softly beating time the while with his head, expresses
+in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of the passage.  If
+anybody’s self-love is to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.  If
+anybody’s overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit
+it.  What wonder that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr.
+Mincin’s friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as
+amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a
+beau, and fathers a wonder!  And who would not have the reputation of the
+very friendly young gentleman?
+
+
+
+
+THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military
+young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young
+ladies of this kingdom.  We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose
+that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red coat ensures him a
+ready passport to their regard; and even if this were the case, it would
+be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance, because, although the
+analogy may in some degree hold good in the case of mail coachmen and
+guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and _they_ are not to our
+knowledge better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who
+wear (or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and
+massive badges besides—much larger than epaulettes.  Neither do the
+twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct,
+find any peculiar favour in woman’s eyes, although they wear very bright
+red jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing in
+public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to
+be greatly in their favour.
+
+We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in the
+conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen in
+red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as fine
+swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their king and
+country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the inferior
+classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with a little
+gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the
+audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who
+consort with them.  But we will not devote these pages to our
+speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present
+moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her
+Majesty’s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by
+it.  For ‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’ but upon consideration, we
+think the former the more appropriate word of the two.
+
+                 [Picture: The Military Young Gentleman]
+
+These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—young gentlemen who
+are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having an intense and
+enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to a military life,
+are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out their
+existence in some ignoble counting-house.  We will take this latter
+description of military young gentlemen first.
+
+The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated
+in his favourite topic.  There is nothing that he is so learned upon as
+uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant, what the
+habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear
+stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the
+Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd
+inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply
+read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of
+trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon ‘crack
+regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemen who compose them, of whose
+mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.
+
+We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day,
+after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion of
+half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles of
+kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’ regiments would be
+an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being a more expressive and appropriate
+designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by pulling out his watch,
+and observing that he must hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be
+too late to hear the band play.  Not wishing to interfere with so
+important an engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed
+by the anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no
+attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company with
+ready good-will.
+
+Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
+Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to one
+of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount
+guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance and
+eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and horse
+with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was
+passing around him.  We were not much surprised at the discovery that it
+was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we _were_ a little
+astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him
+still there, looking on with the same intensity as before.  As it was a
+very windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his
+reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether ‘that was
+not a glorious spectacle,’ and proceeded to give us a detailed account of
+the weight of every article of the spectacle’s trappings, from the man’s
+gloves to the horse’s shoes.
+
+We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our daily
+walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen to plant
+themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure, in
+periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.
+We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very
+promising young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which
+cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged
+inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great
+curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as if the man were
+wax-work.
+
+But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, and at
+the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges from the
+barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes the way
+towards the high street.  He wears his undress uniform, which somewhat
+mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great, how grand, he is!
+What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and
+how lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more
+ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella!  The lion is sleeping: only
+think if an enemy were in sight, how soon he’d whip it out of the
+scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he would be!
+
+But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; and
+now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen,
+arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels
+on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, which should
+cause all peaceful men to quail at heart.  They stop to talk.  See how
+the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has his
+pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the
+fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his glory; how the next
+young gentleman elevates his head in the air, and majestically places his
+arms a-kimbo, while the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and
+clasps his hands behind him.  Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest,
+but in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing.  Oh! if some
+encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of
+those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they
+move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t he
+tremble a little!
+
+And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command
+of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—what a splendid
+sight it is!  How sternly the defenders of their country look round the
+house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they may make
+themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the
+military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for
+anything.  And what a contrast between them, and that stage-box full of
+grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have
+nothing at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who—but
+for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and
+bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the
+pains to announce to the contrary!
+
+Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed young
+gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them too,
+only he doesn’t care to show it just now.  Very well done indeed!  He
+talks louder to the little group of military young gentlemen who are
+standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one
+to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same ordeal of
+criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone,
+the majority of the female portion of the audience.  Oh! a gentleman in
+the same box looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an
+impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at
+once, and hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality.
+
+Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive
+the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in
+five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by the
+mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom he was
+walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young ladies and
+commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a
+rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young
+gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment three
+of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole world.
+
+
+
+
+THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+ONCE upon a time—_not_ in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more
+recent period of our history—it was customary to banish politics when
+ladies were present.  If this usage still prevailed, we should have had
+no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would have neither
+known nor cared what kind of monster a political young gentleman was.
+But as this good custom in common with many others has ‘gone out,’ and
+left no word when it is likely to be home again; as political young
+ladies are by no means rare, and political young gentlemen the very
+reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most
+responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our subject.
+
+If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and there
+_are_ political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he is wholly
+absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles communicate the
+same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so the political
+glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental vision, give
+to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling.  The political young
+gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of a young
+lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister
+to the opposite member.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually some
+vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly
+explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to be
+very easily got over by the other side.  He has also some choice
+sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use at
+the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at
+intervals with surprising effect.  But his great topic is the
+constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much
+heat and fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject,
+but because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state,
+and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on
+the other side say it isn’t, which is quite a sufficient reason for him
+to say it is, and to stick to it.
+
+Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people.  If a fight
+takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken, and a few
+windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with a triumphant
+air, and exclaims, ‘Here’s your precious people!’  If half-a-dozen boys
+run across the course at race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the
+young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the
+conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play
+and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries ‘No’ and ‘Shame’ till
+he is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular
+moderation _now_; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for
+him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it
+with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do,
+the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with
+great violence against _the other people_, with whom, of course, they
+have no possible connexion.  In much the same manner the audience at a
+theatre never fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of
+the public—always laughing heartily at some other public, and never at
+themselves.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
+profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions to
+put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical
+deductions therefrom.  If he be of the utilitarian school, too, which is
+more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having many
+ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various
+cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the
+position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance of
+power.  Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines of political
+economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great many
+parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms,
+none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the
+toughest question and leave you nothing to say.  He gives all the young
+ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever
+lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new member,
+says he’s very well for a representative, all things considered, but he
+wants a little calling to account, and he is more than half afraid it
+will be necessary to bring him down on his knees for that vote on the
+miscellaneous estimates.  At this, the young ladies express much
+wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be brought
+upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political young gentleman
+smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of
+that day, when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required
+to render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies
+utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their
+lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than blasphemous.
+
+It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young
+gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a
+dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to
+Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small
+chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping
+all the noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the
+Tower for a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on
+their own heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the
+armoury, to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories.  Upon
+these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind
+in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and
+irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely
+where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the
+better of the other.
+
+In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political young
+gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, or
+anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when,
+thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite
+discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail.  They have
+recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as
+there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted,
+whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until
+they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the
+effort.
+
+As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties
+concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue
+them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice
+to discountenance such talkers altogether.
+
+
+
+
+THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+LET us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.  We
+are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place, he will
+answer our purpose without another word of comment.
+
+Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother, just
+within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St.
+Martin-le-Grand.  He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather is at
+all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up in the
+right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes
+home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles
+for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which he
+makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing.
+
+The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself and his mother,
+both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting persons.
+As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so Felix and his mother
+are scarcely ever separate in spirit.  If you ask Felix how he finds
+himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of
+his mother’s state of health; and the good lady in her turn, edifies her
+acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed
+four times and coughed once after being out in the rain the other night,
+but having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a
+flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly than by
+this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning,
+and enabled to go to business as usual.
+
+Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he has
+passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is one
+great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted to
+overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon which
+Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought would
+have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he
+continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out
+his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare
+in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the
+street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then,
+roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a
+double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with
+uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and running
+into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman,
+and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about
+her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.  She never will forget his
+fury that night, Never!
+
+To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking at
+you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end of it,
+adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks afterwards,
+in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an
+exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would have done to him if
+he _had_ seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right
+fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ with a distracted air, and
+insists upon extorting a promise that he never will on any account do
+anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it being something more than
+three years since the offence was committed—reluctantly concedes, and his
+mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit
+will lead him into something violent yet.  The discourse then, by an easy
+transition, turns upon the spirit which glows within the bosom of Felix,
+upon which point Felix himself becomes eloquent, and relates a thrilling
+anecdote of the time when he used to sit up till two o’clock in the
+morning reading French, and how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will
+make yourself ill, I know you will;’ and how _he_ used to say, ‘Mother, I
+don’t care—I will do it;’ and how at last his mother privately procured a
+doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse,
+that if he had gone on reading one night more—only one night more—he must
+have put a blister on each temple, and another between his shoulders; and
+who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and writing a prescription for
+a blue pill, said it must be taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for
+the consequences.  The recital of these and many other moving perils of
+the like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’s
+friends.
+
+                 [Picture: The Domestic Young Gentleman]
+
+Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, being
+a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried
+girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son,
+hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that they
+must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, and terribly
+severe upon young ladies.  At this last caution the young ladies resident
+in the same row, who happen to be spending the evening there, put their
+pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and are troubled with a short
+cough; just then Felix knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the
+tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in
+the back parlour that he needn’t mind coming in in his slippers, for
+there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite
+sure they will excuse _him_, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds,
+in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at
+which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in
+particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint
+for want of his tea, changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to
+laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish.  Here they
+all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage
+of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with
+the grateful herb that ‘cheers but not inebriates,’ removes his cup from
+his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are;
+whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be
+sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and another
+smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed, is perfectly
+satisfied.
+
+Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists
+upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card.
+This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties, he
+brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest Miss
+Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till
+supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed.  Finally,
+after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts on
+his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson’s servant to
+run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house,
+five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one
+stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back
+again, when they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’ and trip into the
+passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever played.
+
+Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish
+about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar
+corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female
+acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a
+thorough old bachelor.  He is a favourite with them however, in a certain
+way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his
+peculiarities harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that
+many who are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word
+in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his
+harmless existence.
+
+
+
+
+THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THERE is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, upon
+whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over of the
+subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation.
+Young ladies mildly call him a ‘sarcastic’ young gentleman, or a ‘severe’
+young gentleman.  We, who know better, beg to acquaint them with the
+fact, that he is merely a censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.
+
+The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars of
+a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all
+intelligence and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer,
+accompanied with a half smile, expressive of anything you please but
+good-humour.  This sets people about thinking what on earth the
+censorious young gentleman means, and they speedily arrive at the
+conclusion that he means something very deep indeed; for they reason in
+this way—‘This young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean
+something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep
+meaning he must have if I can’t find it out!’  It is extraordinary how
+soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small
+circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings
+accordingly.
+
+As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous to
+acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked about
+among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him.  ‘I wonder,’
+exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the
+lamp, ‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be married.’  ‘Bless me,
+dear,’ cries Miss Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’  ‘Really I
+hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; ‘he is such a very mysterious
+person, that I often wonder about him.’  ‘Well, to tell you the truth,’
+replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do I.’  Here two other young ladies
+profess that they are constantly doing the like, and all present appear
+in the same condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state
+that she considers Mr. Fairfax ‘a horror,’ draws down all the opposition
+of the others, which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory
+passages, such as ‘Well, did I ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’ ma takes up
+the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does not think Mr.
+Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to be a young man of
+very great ability; ‘and I am quite sure,’ adds the worthy lady, ‘he
+always means a great deal more than he says.’
+
+The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people
+alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the
+subject of conversation!  ‘Well, it really is curious,’ cries ma, ‘we
+were at that very moment talking about you.’  ‘You did me great honour,’
+replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may I venture to ask what you were saying?’  ‘Why,
+if you must know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking what a
+very mysterious man you are.’  ‘Ay, ay!’ observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’
+Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words
+enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies
+them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are
+more than ever convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he
+is a very dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody,
+which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young gentleman
+is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a
+tone, obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me there,’ and which gives
+them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very centre
+of its head.
+
+When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious
+young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general topics of the day, he
+sustains his character to admiration.  He considers the new tragedy well
+enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well, no matter; he could say
+a great deal on that point, but he would rather not, lest he should be
+thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be.  ‘But is not Mr.
+So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ inquires a young lady.
+‘Charming!’ replies the censorious young gentleman.  ‘Oh, dear, yes,
+certainly; very charming—oh, very charming indeed.’  After this, he stirs
+the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a modest young
+gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it
+must be, to have such a critical judgment.  Of music, pictures, books,
+and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine
+conception.  As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance.
+‘Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ says some great
+believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too severe.’  ‘I
+never am severe,’ replies the censorious young gentleman.  ‘Well, never
+mind that now.  She is very lady-like, is she not?’  ‘Lady-like!’ repeats
+the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at a
+loss for anything to say).  ‘Did you observe her manner?  Bless my heart
+and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?—that’s all I ask.’
+‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did
+not observe it very closely perhaps.’  ‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins
+the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly.  ‘Very good; then _I_ did.
+Let us talk no more about her.’  The censorious young gentleman purses up
+his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith
+whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced,
+must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has observed something
+exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s manner.
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+AS one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny young
+Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour of an
+individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual
+family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that
+ever came.
+
+We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly as the
+guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily—for, being an
+old-fashioned party, there _was_ an urn, and a teapot besides—when there
+came a postman’s knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it
+startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very
+interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and to
+exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until they had
+been several times assured by their respective adorers, that they were in
+no danger.  We were about to remark that it was surely beyond post-time,
+and must have been a runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been
+paralysed with wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of
+laughter, and offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog
+Griggins.  He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company
+and all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as
+if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave vent
+to various exclamations of—To be sure it must be Griggins, and How like
+him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many other
+commendatory remarks of the like nature.
+
+Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous
+to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman
+with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost
+touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when the
+door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself, amidst
+another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger
+branches.  This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions of
+countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which
+were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an
+ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if
+somebody didn’t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the
+death of him, he knew.  At this the company only laughed more
+boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone
+and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find
+ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh! capital, capital!’
+as loud as any of them.
+
+When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received the
+welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the needful
+introductions with much ease and many puns.  This ceremony over, he
+avowed his intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless the young ladies
+made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of
+tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and likened his
+condition to that of love among the roses.  At this novel jest we all
+roared once more.  ‘You should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’
+said we.  ‘Sir,’ replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me proud.’  Here everybody
+laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear
+that Griggins was making a dead set at us.
+
+The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game, and
+here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting other
+people’s fish, and looking over their hands in the most comical manner.
+He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither
+more nor less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who
+sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour.
+As the young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in
+consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go off
+quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young gentleman was
+heard to murmur some general references to ‘impertinence,’ and a
+‘rascal,’ and to state the number of his lodgings in an angry tone—a turn
+of the conversation which might have been productive of slaughterous
+consequences, if a young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not
+used her immediate influence to bring about a reconciliation:
+emphatically declaring in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar
+edification but audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that
+way, she never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as
+that she must always regard him.  At this terrible threat the young
+gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of
+feeling, instantaneously fainted.
+
+                   [Picture: The Funny Young Gentleman]
+
+Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a short period by this
+unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but being promptly
+elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses of wine, he
+soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before, insomuch that
+the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he
+had known him since he was _that_ high (something smaller than a
+nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent cue.
+
+When the round game and several games at blind man’s buff which followed
+it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible Mr.
+Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket,
+and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which
+occasioned great commotion and much excitement.  We observed that several
+young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the pale
+countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, and
+talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too, that
+several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young
+gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and
+protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised
+at Mrs. Brown’s allowing it, and that they couldn’t bear it, and had no
+patience with such impertinence.  But such is the gentle and forgiving
+nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we could
+not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent treatment of Mr.
+Griggins.  Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us that among the ladies he
+seemed rather more popular than before!
+
+To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill such a
+tiny volume as this, {429} to the very bottom of the outside cover.  How
+he drank out of other people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s bread,
+how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was sitting
+up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table and suddenly
+reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really surprised that
+anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host
+frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it
+with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how
+everybody’s good-humour was restored but the child’s;—to tell these and a
+hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of our room and
+our readers’ patience, than either they or we can conveniently spare.
+Therefore we change the subject, merely observing that we have offered no
+description of the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing
+that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all
+readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular
+circumstances of their particular case.
+
+
+
+
+THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+ALL gentlemen who love the drama—and there are few gentlemen who are not
+attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements—do
+not come within this definition.  As we have no mean relish for
+theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly anxious that
+this should be perfectly understood.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information on all
+theatrical topics.  ‘Well,’ says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the
+street, ‘here’s a pretty to-do.  Flimkins has thrown up his part in the
+melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as
+much gravity as you can counterfeit.  ‘Ah, that’s the point,’ replies the
+theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; ‘Boozle declines it;
+positively declines it.  From all I am told, I should say it was
+decidedly in Boozle’s line, and that he would be very likely to make a
+great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put
+up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take
+the character.  It’s a fine part, too—excellent business, I’m told.  He
+has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a
+bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can be.  Don’t
+mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he is first poisoned,
+and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest
+thing that has been done these many years.’  With this piece of news, and
+laying his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town
+with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different
+theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all.  Thus
+Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria the vic,
+and the Olympic the pic.  Actresses, too, are always designated by their
+surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and
+lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on.
+In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors,
+as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford.  When he is
+at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’ applied indiscriminately
+answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris’s, old Harley,
+and old Braham.  He has a great knowledge of the private proceedings of
+actresses, especially of their getting married, and can tell you in a
+breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names without avowing it.
+Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in the playbills, he will
+remind you that he let you into the secret six months ago.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that is
+connected with the stage department of the different theatres.  He would,
+at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, to omitting to
+pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with a curious and
+searching eye.  If he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he
+is in a perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he
+hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he can turn
+round from time to time, and have a good stare at his features.  He looks
+upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities
+ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see
+so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the highest
+gratifications the world can bestow.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at one or
+other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces which
+display the fullest resources of the establishment.  He likes to place
+implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece,
+and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to
+believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and
+seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is
+highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also.  He considers that
+if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in any new
+play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds
+accordingly.  He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any
+character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an
+angel or a demon—they both do it occasionally) one of the most
+interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion.
+
+Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
+communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
+which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to his
+partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table.  Thus he is
+advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting
+at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a
+pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which
+assistance he must infallibly have fainted.  He knows for a fact, that,
+after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather
+beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr.
+Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm
+toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters.  He
+looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the
+day; but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,—in proof
+whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently produced,
+of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as
+they appear.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
+emotion and redundancy of action.  If a father has to curse a child upon
+the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style, with no
+mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child should
+follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over on her face
+by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door
+behind him.  He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the young lady, when
+the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the
+usual conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking
+anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then
+spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady’s
+head—soft music playing all the while.  Upon these, and other points of a
+similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a great critic indeed.
+He is likewise very acute in judging of natural expressions of the
+passions, and knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands
+for any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into any
+other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger;
+or wildness, with the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing
+the wig, is passionate love.  If you venture to express a doubt of the
+accuracy of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman
+assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that
+way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day
+to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose
+not.
+
+There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
+theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom he
+is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no space
+to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with calling
+the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical young
+gentlemen of their own acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+TIME was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic raged
+among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence of
+the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars,
+and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and
+dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public.  These
+were poetical young gentlemen.  The custom was gradually found to be
+inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean linen and too
+large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently passed
+away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of
+poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.
+
+We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young gentleman.  We
+do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in any
+remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy
+cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom
+has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting a
+kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations in
+which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and
+yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all
+earthly things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to
+all his friends that he has been stricken poetical.
+
+The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging on a
+sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright in a
+high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite wall.
+When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is a worthy,
+affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention
+without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the
+head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary work or other, you
+may take her word for it.  Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon
+vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket,
+puts down three words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply,
+paces once or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon
+his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.
+
+The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of things
+too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity of
+vision, would suppose to be rather distorted.  For instance, when the
+sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious
+food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our
+friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not of disgust, but
+admiration.  ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical young gentleman, ‘how grand;
+how great!’  We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these
+epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts oscillating between the
+police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the
+head.  ‘Upon whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of
+poetry, ‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!’—and
+thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer
+was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of
+dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and
+able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies
+with the great and noble of the land.  We held our peace, and meekly
+signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions—firstly, because
+we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and
+secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering into any
+disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the respectable
+and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not be the last
+hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity will be
+plentifully expended.
+
+This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.  In his
+milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, and
+pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’s Magazine, or
+the ‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper; or which, in default of
+either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow leaves of a lady’s album.
+These are generally written upon some such occasions as contemplating the
+Bank of England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul’s in a snow-storm;
+and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours
+forth his soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament
+that he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up.
+
+                 [Picture: The Poetical Young Gentleman]
+
+The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
+favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.  He
+has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to
+opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there
+is nothing in it worth living for.  He gives you to understand, however,
+that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome
+play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to
+make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, that
+immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great spirits
+whom earth has chafed and wearied.
+
+When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are all
+superlatives.  Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest,
+mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and most
+pitiful.  He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and
+who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman?  ‘Mr. Milkwash,’ says
+a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young gentleman’s
+original impromptu contribution, ‘how very silent you are!  I think you
+must be in love.’  ‘Love!’ cries the poetical young gentleman, starting
+from his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full
+speed, ‘Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of the soul,
+that fierce glowing of the heart.  Love!  The withering, blighting
+influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.  Love did you say!
+Ha! ha! ha!’
+
+With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging only to
+poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, pen in
+hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical
+demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is full
+of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
+
+
+
+
+THE ‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THERE is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing young
+gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer part of the
+creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours.  And we
+are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division of our
+subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with an
+esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen
+of this class of men.  We had been urging all the absurdities of his
+conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he
+constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a
+certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters—when our fair
+friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly cried,
+‘Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’  What then?
+Throw him off yourself, said we.  And so she did, but not at our
+instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have been better if
+she had done so at first.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of vast
+property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with some
+suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description of
+themselves.  The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman
+was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off
+young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the
+deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable
+books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the
+lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables,
+and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect
+of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting
+stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything upon the same
+magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘princely;
+quite princely.  Ah!’  And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen
+fortunes of his noble house.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
+running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games of
+chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or
+amateur theatricals, no one can touch him—that is _could_ not, because he
+gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any opportunity
+of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice just now, and has
+been for some years.  If you mention any beautiful girl of your common
+acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts,
+smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary:
+people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although she is
+a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn’t
+possibly encourage the—‘but it’s of no use talking about it!’ he adds,
+interrupting himself.  ‘She has got over it now, and I firmly hope and
+trust is happy.’  With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a
+mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of some popular air,
+thinks perhaps it will be better to change the subject.
+
+There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young
+gentleman, which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’ with a most
+extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world.  Thus in all
+disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument
+to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some
+distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony
+decides the point against you, to the great—may we say it—to the great
+admiration of three young ladies out of every four, who consider the
+throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected young man, and a
+most charming person.
+
+Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon a
+little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the evening
+together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit of his
+glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to equal
+advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous
+young ladies, which is his proper element.  It is delightful to hear the
+number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance
+to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which, from
+long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment to a lady
+with two for himself.  ‘Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this
+flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather
+smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman.  ‘Never,’ he replies,
+bending over the object of admiration, ‘never but in your eyes.’  ‘Oh,
+Mr. Caveton,’ cries the young lady, blushing of course.  ‘Indeed I speak
+the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘I never saw any
+approach to them.  I used to think my cousin’s blue eyes lovely, but they
+grow dim and colourless beside yours.’  ‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr.
+Caveton!’ replies the young lady, with that perfect artlessness which is
+the distinguishing characteristic of all young ladies; ‘an affair, of
+course.’  ‘No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the throwing-off
+young gentleman with great energy.  ‘I fervently hope that her attachment
+towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy in
+childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may soon
+overcome it.  _I_ love her!  Think not so meanly of me, Miss Lowfield, I
+beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches, and beauty, can
+influence _my_ choice.  The heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.’  Here the
+throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower whisper;
+and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young ladies when they
+go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton’s relations are
+all immensely rich, and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands,
+riches, and beauty.
+
+We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain
+knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to
+recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he
+had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument
+within a mile of the house.
+
+We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking a note
+or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint of
+laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering
+listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing out
+of tune, let him try as he would.  We have lived to witness the unmasking
+of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a
+military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing
+successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his red
+whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to
+be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small country town,
+and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet
+despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress.
+Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and
+always fools.  So pray you avoid them.
+
+
+
+
+THE YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THIS young gentleman has several titles.  Some young ladies consider him
+‘a nice young man,’ others ‘a fine young man,’ others ‘quite a lady’s
+man,’ others ‘a handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young
+man.’  With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect angel,’ and with others
+‘quite a love.’  He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear.
+
+The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and very
+white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on every
+possible opportunity.  He has brown or black hair, and whiskers of the
+same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the hue which is
+vulgarly known as _sandy_, is not considered an objection.  If his head
+and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an
+uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly.  Should his
+whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though this is not
+absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile
+constantly.
+
+There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours last
+summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.  As we hold that such wild
+expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the smallest
+means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably have excused
+ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that the projectors of
+the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions by a choice
+sample of the young ladies’ young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to
+have an opportunity of meeting.  This determined us, and we went.
+
+We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling
+company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the
+projectors on the box—and to start from the residence of the projectors,
+Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely.  We arrived at
+the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass
+coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and
+young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, who
+appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might have
+expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else.  Observing that
+our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we
+ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty
+reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’
+young gentleman.
+
+‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what has become of Mr. Balim—always
+so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.  I am sure I can-_not_
+think.’  As these last words were uttered in that measured, emphatic
+manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not quite made up
+his or her mind what to say, but is determined to talk on nevertheless,
+the eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped no accident had
+happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr.
+Balim!’ and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that
+an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim’s lodgings.
+This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short
+young lady behind us termed ‘quite a bearish way,’ that if Mr. Balim
+didn’t choose to come, he might stop at home.  At this all the daughters
+raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except one sprightly little girl of eight or
+ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the discourse,
+remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married that morning—for
+which impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by
+her eldest sister.
+
+               [Picture: The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman]
+
+We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when one of
+the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys usually
+run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays, and
+keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep
+trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr.
+Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the
+intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the
+entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of
+‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ whereunto the naughty
+creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence of a late party
+the night before, and had only just risen.  The acknowledgment awakened a
+variety of agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which
+appearing after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the
+case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr.
+Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t think of it.  He did
+think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a
+remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a select
+knot of young ladies.  It was quite delightful to see how he ate and
+drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another
+put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and
+anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass coaches,—and
+the little boys looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it should
+begin to rain before we set out; it might have rained all day, after we
+were once too far to turn back again, and welcome, for aught they cared.
+
+However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated
+with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow; and
+the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the
+carriages, ‘according,’ as one married lady observed, ‘to the immemorial
+custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.’  Thinking it very
+likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the other half),
+we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate
+enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four
+young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies’ young
+gentleman.
+
+We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ young gentleman
+hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to inquire
+whether he had danced to that the night before.  ‘By Heaven, then, I
+did,’ replied the young gentleman, ‘and with a lovely heiress; a superb
+creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’  ‘You seem rather struck,’
+observed another young lady.  ‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned
+the young gentleman, arranging his hair.  ‘Of course _she_ was struck
+too?’ inquired the first young lady.  ‘How can you ask, love?’ interposed
+the second; ‘could she fail to be?’  ‘Well, honestly I think she was,’
+observed the young gentleman.  At this point of the dialogue, the young
+lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s right,
+struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a
+vain man—whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud,
+and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a
+charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young
+gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud.  This little skirmish over,
+the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly upon
+the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young
+gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place
+upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or not,
+which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a
+considerable time.  At length, a short silence occurring, the young
+ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep;
+and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair
+of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness
+and to scream very loud.  The lively conversation to which this
+pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would
+have eked out a much longer one.
+
+We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
+circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and the
+bread.  The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which they
+attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to
+inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very
+fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly
+drunk at a respectful distance.
+
+We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
+flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of young
+ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their plates
+and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from its
+excessive playfulness.  His conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant.
+In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little
+lively _badinage_ on the subject of ladies’ dresses, he had evinced as
+much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner.
+
+As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after dinner
+entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone into a
+thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater
+part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes and the
+young ladies’ young gentleman among them.  Nor were we disappointed, for
+we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we discovered him
+before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to contemplate his
+greatness.
+
+The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at the feet
+of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was so profusely
+decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty spoils, that he
+looked like a lamb—or perhaps a calf would be a better simile—adorned for
+the sacrifice.  One young lady supported a parasol over his interesting
+head, another held his hat, and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic
+fashion he had thrown off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand
+upon his breast, and his face moulded into an expression of the most
+honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal
+music in praise of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect,
+that we burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty
+retreat.
+
+What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are!  Ducks,
+dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their merit.
+They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION
+
+
+AS we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young
+gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them to
+understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues and
+perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with
+confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and distrust of
+the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they cannot do
+better than preserve and maintain—we say, as we have done all this, we
+feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of our task, they may
+naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young
+gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend.
+
+Here we are at a loss.  We look over our list, and can neither recommend
+the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman, nor the
+very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the
+political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the
+censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor the
+theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor the
+throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ young gentleman.
+
+As there are some good points about many of them, which still are not
+sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as a whole,
+our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a young
+gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and the worst
+weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal altar,
+whether he will or no.  And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to
+tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound
+passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean
+Swift to a young lady on her marriage.
+
+‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the esteem
+of your husband.  Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer him to
+_esteem_ you against his judgment; and although he is not capable of
+using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps
+contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty with
+more durable qualities.  You have but a very few years to be young and
+handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months to be so in the eyes
+of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you do not still dream of
+charms and raptures, which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden
+end to.’
+
+From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate
+lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman
+to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself.  Without
+in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely to observe,
+that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a full
+specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to
+be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the
+highest bidder.
+
+These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman and
+Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials of
+approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested
+to be addressed.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES
+
+
+{429}  [In its original form.]
+
+
+
+
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