initial commit of ebook 8643HEADmain

31 files changed, 11424 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/8643-8.txt b/8643-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14605cd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1934 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #8643]
+Release Date: August, 2005
+First Posted: July 29, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Vol. 153.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Punch 1917.07.04
+
+[Illustration: VOL. CLIII]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.
+
+The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper
+spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.
+
+"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG
+himself. If it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I
+knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday.
+He'd come round that there bend a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like
+some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always
+stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.
+
+"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house,
+and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them
+as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home
+with your golf-clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I
+went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you.
+
+"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what
+couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old
+woman a-goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and
+eggs and onions--it were all just the same to little Billy.
+
+"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they
+have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair
+knocked over, and him so little and all.
+
+"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.
+
+"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me--'Grandpa,' he says,
+'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing
+to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have
+to get back to France again to see him.'
+
+"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns
+it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.
+
+"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment.
+Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here
+call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to
+the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a
+reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the
+fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the
+railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their
+locomotives and rolling stock.'
+
+"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for
+hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army
+wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think
+my Billy's in the paper."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MELTING-POT.
+
+["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection
+of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM
+THE FIRST."--_Reuter_.]
+
+    Heavy is Armageddon's price
+    And loud the call to sacrifice;
+    All stuff composed of likely metals--
+    Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles--
+  Into the War's insatiate melting-pot
+        Has to be shot.
+
+    That was a hard and bitter blow
+    When first your church-bells had to go--
+    Those saintly bells that rang carillons
+    While in the maw of happy millions
+  Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled
+        For babies killed.
+
+    It hurt your Christian hearts to melt
+    A source of faith so keenly felt;
+    And now (worse sacrilege than that) you
+    Propose to take yon regal statue,
+  That godlike effigy, and make a gun
+        Of WILLIAM ONE!
+
+    What will _He_ say when you reduce
+    His Relative to cannon-juice?
+    The prospect must be pretty rotten
+    If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten
+  Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,
+        For useful ends.
+
+    I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!
+    They're liquefying Grandpapa!
+    The nation's needs, that grow acuter,
+    Count sacred things as so much pewter;
+  Even my holy crown may go some day
+        Down the red way!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE SÉNÉGALAIS.
+
+Samédou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+"M--A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient
+puzzling, "M--A--MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in
+one wide white grin before turning to the next syllable, "M--A--N." Once
+more the puzzled frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints
+from neighbouring beds, once more the triumph of perseverance,
+"M--A--N--MAN!" He was just enjoying his success and chanting his
+pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" when Soeur
+Antoinette paused by his bed. "Très bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il faut
+les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one
+back to the first syllable.
+
+Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M--A--N was MAN, but
+what was M--A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that
+M--A spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M--A--N
+spelled. At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer,
+and the ward was filled with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which
+Samédou joined most happily.
+
+Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once
+turned to another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when
+she smiled back a greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked
+proudly round him at his fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we
+understand one another, she and I!"
+
+During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samédou invariably met
+the sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining
+fortitude, which might have seemed due to insensibility had not the
+staff had ample proof that his silence was the silence of a fine
+courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the hospital was in
+preparation, and when the _salle de pansements_ had to be taken the
+photographer decided that the best lay figure for his _mise-en-scène_
+would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the
+staff. So Samédou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table.
+Unfortunately the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business
+of placing things in the best light that no one realised that the poor
+Senegalese did not understand the purpose of the preparations, and when
+the English nurse was called to take up her position she noticed the
+hands of Samédou Kieta clutching the sides of the table and his black
+eyes rolling in a sea of white.
+
+She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me prêter
+une photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the
+treasured groups of _la famille_. Taking one at random she returned to
+Samédou and held it before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi,
+le Major, l'infirmier."
+
+Samédou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face.
+"Y a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"
+
+When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the
+Sidi in bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff
+resorted to the usual weak method of confiscating all his clothes save a
+shirt, and hoping for the best. But one day the English nurse, going
+unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon Samédou Kieta, simply
+dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the freshly-arrived
+wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself
+out with the propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you.
+Water!" A most effectual method of disarming reproof.
+
+Poor Samédou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:--
+
+"Moi, Samédou Kieta, arrivé à l'autre hôpital. Y a bon. Mais moi,
+Samédou Kieta, toi pas oublié. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon.
+Y a bon. Y a bon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the
+    western front, and their losses will increase rapidly. They must
+    shorten their lives wherever possible in order to save
+    men."--_Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty
+assistance of the Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school,
+    O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish
+    perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic,
+    horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing
+    undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+
+If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will
+hear of something that will just suit him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm
+    at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what
+    some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday
+    considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts
+    are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at
+    Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists,
+    anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious
+    menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_.
+
+It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for
+the roots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.]
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN
+WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD
+WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR
+TELLIN' ON ME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABSENTEE.
+
+(_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._)
+
+  Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...
+    Since good old Russia up and revoluted
+  I have been waiting, week by weary week,
+    To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited;
+  But now I give it up; it will not come;
+  Or anyway I can no more be dumb.
+
+  Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release--
+    "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"
+  Demos superbly potting at police,
+    And actual swords getting an actual outing--
+  Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,
+  Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?
+
+  You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_!
+    Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!
+  "All that lost riot that you did not share"
+    Managed, somehow, to get along without you;
+  When Russia "went to battle for the creed"
+  GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!
+
+  CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!
+    Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"
+  "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?
+    Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.
+  Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,
+  There is no word you work so hard as "sword."
+
+  We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,
+    "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;
+  Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;
+    Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;
+  Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,
+  Running amok to "slay them in the street."
+
+  Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,
+    And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,
+  And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades
+    In "Russia's wrath"--just as you've often written;
+  Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,
+  While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.
+
+  And yet--I understand; I don't impute
+    That only in your poems do you bicker;
+  You would abstain, when people revolute,
+    No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;
+  And here we have it--here's the reason why:
+  _This was a revolution that was "dry."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Eagle's Plume.
+
+    "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+    feather."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ----, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had
+    a lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they
+    ot out than gpractically the whole house cae mdown."--_Pioneer
+    (Allahabad)_.
+
+On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have
+been more careful of the individual than of the type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ----'s, have a
+    pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this
+    modern Forum to-morrow?"--_"Callisthenes" in the evening papers,
+    June 23rd._
+
+One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June
+24th was a Sunday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the
+    Moabit Goods Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen,
+    _et cetera_, exploded, resulting in the destruction of a part of
+    Vilna and the township of Osjory near the Grodno conflagration
+    station and a basket factory at Happe."--_Ceylon Independent_.
+
+The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been
+felt even in Colombo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN AS USUAL.
+
+(_In the manner of some of our own evening papers_.)
+
+It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality
+Exhibition, where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling.
+Just before leaving, however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being
+compounded with oddments of rabbit and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma
+which I hated to leave--even for luncheon at the Fitz.
+
+AT THE FITZ.
+
+By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+_goulash_, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being
+prepared at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion
+of classes is happily illustrated in the common use of the same
+comestibles.
+
+There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in
+these war-time days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking
+remarkably well-nourished in a mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough
+hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.
+
+YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.
+
+Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia,
+yesterday, on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego.
+The story of the engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was
+returning from Peru, where she had been hunting armadillos; the ship in
+which she was travelling was wrecked in the Straits of Magellan, and she
+was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually cruising about in
+his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, but
+all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism
+and is now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a
+fine-looking man of the prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the
+crowd on leaving the church.
+
+A CHARMING CONCERT.
+
+All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti
+has decided to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her
+programme as usual reflects her catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she
+will sing not only Welsh and Cornish folk-songs, but works by
+PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young American
+composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will
+be represented.
+
+TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.
+
+The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot
+weather, when luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and
+dinner resolves itself into a cold collation in the cool of the evening,
+some refreshment between our second and third meals is indispensable. I
+accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten flour and are very
+quickly made.
+
+Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash,
+a quarter of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and
+pound the peaches to a pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir
+vigorously with a mirliton. Put into patty-pans and bake gently for
+about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About thirty cakes should
+result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+proportionately.
+
+Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+egg--a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint
+of Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.
+
+MÉLISANDE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Extract from Hun airman's report_. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH
+FORMATION, CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A
+PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Plutocracy.
+
+    "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."--_North
+    Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than
+    butter; and in winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for
+    its sleeping place."--_Daily Mail._
+
+The cheese should however be carefully tethered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON
+GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in
+Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE.
+
+***
+
+Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises
+that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be
+permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as
+"Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz--are you--ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc.,
+etc., will no longer be allowed.
+
+***
+
+The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to
+explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is
+already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week
+obtained a divorce.
+
+***
+
+A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of
+which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very
+unlucky to be buried on a Sunday.
+
+***
+
+No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat
+with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?
+
+***
+
+A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can
+be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious
+plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise
+like a German.
+
+***
+
+The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady
+of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and
+take a note or two.
+
+***
+
+Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord
+RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features
+last week.
+
+***
+
+"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other
+day, just as if he were a High Court Judge.
+
+***
+
+An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that
+the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said
+as to how this happy idea originated.
+
+***
+
+Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held
+between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most
+suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work.
+
+***
+
+At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of
+cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed
+8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the
+story that he thought it was much larger than this.
+
+***
+
+Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the
+Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must
+have been leading a double, or even treble, life.
+
+***
+
+Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country
+by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the
+effect that "Honesty is the best policy."
+
+***
+
+In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been
+set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his
+mid-monthly lunch.
+
+***
+
+Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears
+a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major,
+it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible
+accident he had when a boy.
+
+***
+
+A correspondent in _Folk Lore_ declares that the hedgehog is, after all,
+a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any
+comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win
+on points.
+
+***
+
+Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that
+the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy
+coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial
+operations.
+
+***
+
+The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in
+parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been
+experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions
+of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they
+were confined.
+
+***
+
+"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot
+speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh."
+Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently
+like Welsh.
+
+***
+
+The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main
+difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is
+questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very
+rarely able to get as much as they can carry.
+
+***
+
+The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be
+under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as
+exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business
+from the Isle of Wight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUINED RAPTURE.
+
+  Through many a busy year of peace
+    I hoped some day, by way of beano,
+  To give myself a jaunt in Greece,
+    Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).
+  Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,
+    I'd loll within some leafy hollow
+  With Aphrodite _téte-a-téte_
+    Or barter back-chat with Apollo.
+
+  Around Olympus' foot I'd roam
+    (Not being really fond of climbing),
+  Absorb romance and carry home
+    Increased facility at rhyming;
+  Those hallowed haunts of many a god
+    That nowadays we only read of
+  Would give my Pegasus the prod
+    He not unseldom stood in need of.
+
+  That was in Peace. And then the War
+    Sent me to learn within a hutment
+  What martial duties held in store
+    And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;
+
+  Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,
+    A route-march to a wayside station,
+  With (every single soldier guessed)
+    Greece as our "unknown destination."
+
+  I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,
+    The clouds at rest upon its summit,
+  But did I thrill or long to throw
+    My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?
+  Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,
+    I only felt the body's inner
+  Cravings and said, "I 'll bet a bob
+    It's bully once again for dinner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called
+    Chartreuse, situated near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von
+    Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now in the field, and has been
+    empty since the beginning of the war."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAVE-WANGLER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"
+
+_Tommy._ "C 6."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAY FEVER.
+
+  That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!
+  What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?
+  What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?
+  There _is_ no anodyne for this disease--
+  Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;
+  But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.
+  For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!
+  Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;
+  And as for that condemned acacia-tree--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,
+  In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;
+  Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,
+  Who simply revel in the longest grasses,
+  While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Fain would I spend my summers high in air;
+  At least there are no privet-hedges there.
+  But even then I have no doubt the smell
+  From slopes celestial of asphodel
+  Would fill the firmament and give me hell--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  They tell me 'tis the man of intellect
+  The baneful seeds especially affect;
+  And I that sneeze one million times a year--
+  I ought to have a notable career,
+  Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain
+  Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,
+  Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray
+  Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,
+  And not explode in this exhausting way--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wanted, a Faith-healer.
+
+    Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and
+    wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital,
+    suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information
+    may be of some value,
+
+    Yours faithfully, ----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy,
+    with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six
+    years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_.
+
+The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ----
+    Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially
+    erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_).
+
+This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+"conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and
+Glasnevin Cemetery."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up
+    adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.
+
+    A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had
+    wooed and won her so long ago.
+
+    Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+    eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will
+finish with two black eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SAVING OF THE RACE.]
+
+["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The
+object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the
+care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will
+be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an
+added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost
+of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer,
+National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR,
+who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation
+in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the
+Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal
+with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is
+that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason
+of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the
+apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of
+freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."
+
+The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT
+HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best
+definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for
+over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse
+on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted
+to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY,
+delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty
+years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless
+pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.
+
+At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good
+Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the
+Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at
+Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the
+future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he
+asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of
+the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such
+action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly
+transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was
+hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr.
+LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent
+length and accuracy.
+
+_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids,
+and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities.
+Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as
+the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY
+would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation
+engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in
+bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved.
+
+[Illustration: THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.]
+
+After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has
+decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid
+would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr.
+CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of
+St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN
+should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact,
+declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry.
+
+[Illustration: A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.]
+
+Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the
+store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at
+Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs.
+ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have
+imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand,
+is less Besant and more Rice.
+
+Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there
+is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those
+who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL
+and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious
+grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in
+resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a
+statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person
+could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having
+deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to
+inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House
+thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority.
+
+_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that
+membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse
+for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is
+erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared
+unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER,
+may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to
+certain potential heroes.
+
+_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is
+to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects
+him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR
+represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story
+of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action
+the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no
+action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have
+been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S
+own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that
+everything in it would bear publication.
+
+Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd
+to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME
+SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without
+trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY.
+There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans.
+Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.
+
+The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the
+wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of
+listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of
+this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the
+orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights
+of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily
+endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"
+
+"YES, DEAR."
+
+"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The
+    Exile's Lament,
+      'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,
+       Where we sat side by side.'"
+    --_Canadian Courier._
+
+No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady
+DUFFERIN wrote something very like it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RESOLUTION.
+
+  I'll tell you what I mean to do
+    When these our wars shall cease to rage:
+  I'll go where Summer skies are blue
+    And Spring enjoys her heritage;
+    I shall not work for fame or wage,
+  But wear a large black silk cravat,
+    A velvet coat that's grey with age
+  Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.
+
+  I'll journey to some Tuscan town
+    And rent a palace for a song,
+  And all the walls I'll whitewash down
+    Some day when I am feeling strong;
+    And there I'll pass my days among
+  My books, and, when my reading palls
+    And Summer days are overlong,
+  I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.
+
+  The world may go her divers ways
+    The while I draw or write or smoke,
+  Happy to live laborious days
+    There among simple painter folk;
+    To wed the olive and the oak,
+  Most patiently to woo the Muse,
+    And wear a great big Tuscan cloak
+  To guard against the heavy dews.
+
+  Between the olive and the vine
+    I'll make heroic mock of Mars,
+  And drink at even golden wine
+    Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;
+    And afterwards harangue the stars
+  In little gems of fervid speech,
+    And smoke impossible cigars
+  Which cost at least three _soldi_ each.
+
+  Let more ambitious spirits spin
+    The web of life for weal or woe,
+  Whilst I above my violin
+    Shall sit and watch the vale below
+    All crimson in the afterglow;
+  And when the patient stars grow bright
+    I'll draw across the strings my bow
+  Till Chopin ushers in the night.
+
+  Such things as these I mean to do
+    When Peace once more resumes her sway;
+  To walk barefooted through the dew
+    And while the sunlit hours away,
+    If haply I may find some gay
+  Conceit to light a sombre mind,
+    As gracious as a Summer day,
+  As wayward as an April wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Legitimate Inference.
+
+    "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+    clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and
+    hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to
+    seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going
+    on."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+The authorities seem to be living up to their title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.
+
+A CONTRAST.
+
+I.
+
+My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect
+control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds
+palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the
+servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War
+came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been
+exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X.
+gone his uncomplaining way for years.
+
+But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and
+purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted
+were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a
+receding taxi.
+
+Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free.
+"Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in
+life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the
+storm should have passed.
+
+His eyes were still fixed.
+
+After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.
+
+"I could have killed that fellow," he said.
+
+"What fellow?"
+
+"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look
+at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me.
+Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they
+don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't
+believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention
+whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I
+swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I
+had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication.
+It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like
+that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number
+I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary.
+Such men--ugh!"
+
+He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.
+
+"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken
+his number!"
+
+II.
+
+The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _débris_ of
+a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away.
+The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best
+friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or
+less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of
+whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say
+how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become.
+
+One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud
+laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!"
+signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere
+with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was
+tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services,
+he was at my disposal.
+
+The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in
+the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of
+the chase.
+
+At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a
+young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise
+covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al
+Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life
+to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi
+tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the
+lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to
+go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the
+cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end
+insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and
+had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on
+elsewhere.
+
+All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be
+true? Could it?
+
+And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank
+you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally
+burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember.
+
+How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and
+look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box!
+
+III.
+
+So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones
+are more difficult to get hold of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE
+TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Caveat Emptor.
+
+    "Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet.
+    Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for
+    removal."--_The Statesman (India)._
+
+This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to
+change its spot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom.
+    This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen
+    weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._
+
+May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the
+staffs of other journals?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big
+    states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a
+    great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a
+    respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller
+    or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._
+
+Can this be TINO?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an
+    undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in
+    this connection before the House had had the opportunity of
+    discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the
+    supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will
+    now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+    dairy."--_Observer._
+
+This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LORD RHONDDA.
+
+DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and
+stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I
+cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to
+which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you
+are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the
+_Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the
+Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.
+
+Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the
+post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his
+tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an
+infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning
+them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the
+moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be
+entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to
+grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to
+their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very
+bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office
+which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is
+not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that
+the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was
+or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_
+and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these
+Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.
+
+However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S
+place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into
+the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to
+believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to
+spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is
+determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through
+thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may
+recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to
+be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for
+having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the
+task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you
+encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor
+or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you
+to give him short shrift.
+
+I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and
+faithful Servant,
+
+THE GATE OF HUMILITY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY
+MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"
+
+_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE,
+AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired
+    wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_.
+
+Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a
+sympathetic fatigue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Delirant Reges."
+
+  The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,
+  Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons
+  Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields
+  Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."
+  Perhaps; but what if he is down below?
+  In any case what we should like to know
+  Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,
+  Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits
+  Because his Emperor has lost his wits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the "Illuminate."
+
+    "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas
+    connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.
+
+First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible
+fantasy in mime--_The Magic Pipe_: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE,
+who played his own part, _Pierrot_, with a fine sincerity and a sense of
+the great tradition in this _genre_, got his effect across to us with an
+admirable directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a
+mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly sort of way (which is a very nice way),
+danced seriously, fantastically, delightfully, and with quite
+astonishing command of her technique--the sort of thing that nine
+infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been
+consoled by the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I
+have a fancy that mime would go far to restore sanity and tradition to
+the English stage, and every creditable essay in a delightful art
+deserves the fullest support.
+
+It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three
+Acts over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns
+(its theme) have no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke
+was not the really serious thing about _The Foundations_, a play that
+starts (some years hence) with a mob of starving people yelling outside
+the house--dear, stupid, kindly _Lord William Dromondy's_ house. _Lord
+William_ was a god of an infantry captain in the great War, and his four
+footmen--particularly _James_, the first of them--though revolutionaries
+at heart, are ready to stand between their master and any other
+revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the foundations
+of _Lord William's_ Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.
+
+The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited
+over. But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as
+it was, was diverting in the extreme.
+
+Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as
+black as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to
+keep our end up in the great War. But we know the customs of leopards,
+and can forgive our pessimist for his creations (for all the world as if
+he were a milliner) of _Poulder, Lord William's_ butler, rounded pillar
+of the eternal old order of things; of _James_, revolutionary but
+faithful (of course _James_ never would in fact have kept this absurd
+job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, torrentially eloquent
+plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness and the
+letting of the blood of all who were not kind.
+
+Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his
+head, as is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is
+perhaps ungracious to remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY
+PAXTON'S triumph with _Poulder_ was his admirable restraint--rarest of
+accomplishments among comic stage butlers. The effect of everything was
+heightened by this excellent economy. It was a lesson in artistic
+reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was _The Press_
+of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good deal
+more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I
+should put it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played
+piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD has made a deserved reputation as the strong
+silly ass. He sustained it--with something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S
+_James_ was a quite excellent performance, not very coherent and
+consistent in conception on the author's part, perhaps, and on that
+account all the more difficult. Miss ESMÉ HUBBARD gave us pathos
+skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman
+turned trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite
+astonishing aptitude (or the most wonderful training) in the part of
+her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also did well with her rather
+intrusive part of _Lord William's_ daughter.
+
+_Box B_, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us
+home easy-minded to bed. _Bobby Stroud_, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty
+(oh, ever such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by
+arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was really perfectly irresistible--something
+ought to be done about it. She would have reduced the whole Flying Corps
+to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had just that air of awkward
+modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank as an
+advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl
+with all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little
+things.
+
+The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever
+so long ago.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr.
+DAWSON MILWARD) to give its views on things in general.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERE USED TO BE--
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    I know, for I've seen them there
+  In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood
+    With their heads high up in the air;
+  They scrambled about in the forest
+    And nobody seemed to mind;
+  They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)
+    And they smiled and their eyes were kind.
+
+  What, and oh what were they doing
+    To let things happen like this?
+  How could it be? And didn't they see
+    That folk were going amiss?
+  Were they too busy playing,
+    Or can they perhaps have slept,
+  That never they heard an ominous word
+    That stealthily crept and crept?
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    The children will look for them still;
+  They will search all about till the sunlight slips out
+    And the trees stand frowning and chill.
+  "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,
+    And where can the fairies be fled
+  That played in the fern?"--The flowers will return,
+    But I fear that the fairies are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Kaiser Lands in England.
+
+    "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never
+    popular. Father Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as
+    chairman of the Assessment Committee, was the most unpopular man in
+    Plymouth except one, and the other one was the Kaiser."--_Western
+    Daily Mercury_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Letter addressed to local Tribunal:--
+
+    "Dear Sirs,--The reason for my exemption has been removed and I
+    shall be glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND
+YOU CAN'T CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?--AND OF
+COURSE YOU MUST CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr.
+FIELDING-HALL'S _The Way of Peace_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of
+reader that is drawing plans in his head for a New England. No wonder
+that in these great days the impatient idealist rushes forth with his
+bag of dreams. The author of _The Soul of a People_ is extreme but
+sane--an extremist in common sense, say. He stakes on the fact of human
+solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and crookednesses of
+politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he is!);
+wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less
+ignorant; good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit
+of government and of fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as
+a plasmon-fed high-brow proposition but as the natural expression of a
+joy of life returned; a clear fount of honour; a representative House of
+Commons; justice, respect, common sense and responsibility instead of
+charity; some place other than the streets for our young men and maidens
+to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted
+against the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible
+things. Here is not the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of
+living citizenship. I commend it to all believers in new days and all
+honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a programme but as a tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do not, please, run away with the idea that _The Nursery_ (HEINEMANN)
+presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The
+background of his story, the scenes of which are laid in and around
+Colchester a year or so ago, is composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On
+these he gives a lot of information, and, as he could not be pedantic
+even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the store of knowledge
+set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing with the
+War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of _The Nursery_ I
+failed to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr.
+PHILLPOTTS usually succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his
+novels must know by this time that he is not exactly in love with _Mrs.
+Grundy_, but here he seems to be insurgent against something, and for
+the life of me I don't know quite what it is. Perhaps it is insincerity,
+which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. There is one very
+amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who defied law
+and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is _William Ambrose_, and it
+is worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM
+SMITH--the discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder
+STEVENSON, and other persons of discernment) for the romantic
+possibilities of the map. There is an excellent map in the beginning of
+Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the peculiar domain of
+childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win your
+sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the
+heart of the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of
+nursery life proclaims a genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood
+faked up for literary ends. Who that has once been young can read
+unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and Contrivances," with its
+entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during the
+providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery,
+down two flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a
+reviewer whom nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the
+possibility of this delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks
+too--Mr. SMITH has remembered them with a proper regard that is, of
+course, wholly different from that of those who understand them only in
+their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved for themselves alone,
+for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of hoarding and
+barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent
+it as betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door
+of which too many of us have long lost the key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What I found strangest in the _Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis_
+(MURRAY) is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about
+rogues, in which trickery is invariably vanquished--a refreshing
+contrast to the methods of most of our romanticists, who are given to a
+certain courtier-like attitude towards the lawbreaker. Certainly that
+various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put together a
+highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned,
+not with bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers
+in the spurious antique and the exploits of _Lord Louis_ in defeating
+them. This _Lord Louis_ is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very
+ingenious gentleman. From the rotundity of his conversational periods
+and a certain general suavity of demeanour I suspect him of having made
+a careful study of the methods of his distinguished predecessor in
+rogue-reducing, _Prince Florizel of Bohemia._ But he is, of course, none
+the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, in
+perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he--I can hardly bring myself to
+quote the passage!--he "moistened his fingers and turned over three
+pages." And this of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE!
+Having said so much, it is only fair that I should call your special
+attention to one of the stories, "The House in Bath," an exquisite
+little gem of considerably higher art than is usually associated with
+such "Exploits of the Event."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as _Home
+Truths about the War_ (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so
+often been used as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable
+statements that we have grown excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this
+account the letters that the Rev. HUGH CHAPMAN has here brought together
+would be to miss a very original and inspiring little book. Let me say
+once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and popular
+chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author)
+has deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in
+letters, can hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one
+side, and accepting these, not as the letters that would be written from
+one man to another, but rather (to speak without irreverence) such as
+the human heart might address to its Creator, you will find them full of
+interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of men and women
+are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The
+priest, the actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the
+conscientious objector, are all touched lightly, tactfully, and with a
+kindly humour that saves the book from its very obvious danger of
+becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has crystallised
+very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+towards the War--buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality
+in its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in _Early English Adventurers in the East_
+(MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at
+any rate, of the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual
+existence, but I tell myself hopefully that my ignorance of those daring
+pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as humble adventurers of the
+seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been satisfactorily
+removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of stirring
+deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And
+Mr. WRIGHT is not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but
+also on the admirable way in which he has performed it. A restrained
+style and a temperate judgment are equally at his command. I cannot
+better commend his book to Imperialists than by saying that all Little
+Englanders will detest it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On internal evidence I had set down _Root and Branch_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN),
+by R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and
+observant writer of the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page
+gives two previous novels to her pen--I still guess a woman's hand. And
+I by no means withdraw the "clever." The characterisation of the various
+members of the _Arenski_ family--the branches are better done than the
+root, old _Paul Arenski, K.C._, idealist and orator--is uncannily good.
+There's wit and humour and diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first
+book" idea was an uncertainty of method, a hesitation between the new
+realism and the older romanticism. In both moods the author is
+successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, however, is
+technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the
+book, the ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in
+killing, at her passionate request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly
+dying of a terrible disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a
+portrait enlargement)._ "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT
+SATISFIED.' I'M _NOT_ SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
+
+_The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)_ "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE
+IT, MADAM; BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL
+NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT SPECIFY _WHO_ IS TO BE SATISFIED--AND I ASSURE
+YOU I _AM_."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No.
+1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 8643-8.txt or 8643-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/8/6/4/8643/
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
+  www.gutenberg.org/license.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at 809
+North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887.  Email
+contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
+Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:  www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/8643-8.zip b/8643-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a5545ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-8.zip
diff --git a/8643-h.zip b/8643-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c55c526
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h.zip
diff --git a/8643-h/8643-h.htm b/8643-h/8643-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..801ff7f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/8643-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,1888 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch 1917.07.04</title>
+
+    <style type="text/css">
+      <!--
+      body              {margin-left: 10%;
+                         margin-right: 10%;}
+      p                 {text-align: justify;}
+      h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;}
+      hr                {width: 50%;}
+      hr.small          {width: 10%;}
+      p.figure          {margin-left: 5%;
+                         margin-right: 5%;
+                         text-align: center;
+                         font-size: 0.8em;}
+      p.figure img      {border: none;}
+      pre.pglegal       {font-size: 0.7em;
+                         background-color: #F0F0F0;
+                         color: black;}
+      -->
+    </style>
+  </head>
+
+  <body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #8643]
+Release Date: August, 2005
+First Posted: July 29, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+    <h1>Vol. 153.</h1>
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/001-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001-1.png"
+    alt="Vol. 153." /></a></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h1>Punch 1917.07.04</h1>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/003-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/003-1.png"
+    alt="VOL. CLIII." /></a></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.</h2>
+
+    <p>The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper spread across
+    his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.</p>
+
+    <p>"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG himself. If
+    it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I knowed him ever since I
+    come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday. He'd come round that there bend
+    a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I
+    am again;' and he'd always stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.</p>
+
+    <p>"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house, and he'd
+    just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them as perlite as any
+    gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home with your golf-clubs after two
+    rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling
+    you.</p>
+
+    <p>"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what couldn't carry
+    the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old woman a-goin' back from
+    market with all her cabbages and live ducks and eggs and onions&mdash;it were all
+    just the same to little Billy.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they have took
+    Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair knocked over, and him so
+    little and all.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me&mdash;'Grandpa,' he says, 'I've
+    been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing to hear him whistle
+    again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have to get back to France again to
+    see him.'</p>
+
+    <p>"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns it's my
+    belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.</p>
+
+    <p>"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment. Ain't I
+    been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here call the little train
+    what used to run six times a day from the town to the links. Just see what the paper
+    says, Sir. I don't be much of a reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on
+    record here the fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+    would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the railway
+    companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their locomotives and rolling
+    stock.'</p>
+
+    <p>"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for hundreds an'
+    hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army wanted him, and we've been
+    and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think my Billy's in the paper."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MELTING-POT.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      ["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection of metal
+      which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM THE
+      FIRST."&mdash;<i>Reuter</i>.]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Heavy is Armageddon's price<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;And loud the call to sacrifice;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;All stuff composed of likely metals&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles&mdash;<br />
+      Into the War's insatiate melting-pot<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Has to be shot.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;That was a hard and bitter blow<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;When first your church-bells had to go&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Those saintly bells that rang carillons<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;While in the maw of happy millions<br />
+      Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For babies killed.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;It hurt your Christian hearts to melt<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;A source of faith so keenly felt;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;And now (worse sacrilege than that) you<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Propose to take yon regal statue,<br />
+      That godlike effigy, and make a gun<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Of WILLIAM ONE!<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;What will <i>He</i> say when you reduce<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;His Relative to cannon-juice?<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;The prospect must be pretty rotten<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten<br />
+      Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For useful ends.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;They're liquefying Grandpapa!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;The nation's needs, that grow acuter,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Count sacred things as so much pewter;<br />
+      Even my holy crown may go some day<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Down the red way!"<br />
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LE S&Eacute;N&Eacute;GALAIS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Sam&eacute;dou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+    "M&mdash;A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient puzzling,
+    "M&mdash;A&mdash;MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in one wide white
+    grin before turning to the next syllable, "M&mdash;A&mdash;N." Once more the puzzled
+    frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints from neighbouring beds, once
+    more the triumph of perseverance, "M&mdash;A&mdash;N&mdash;MAN!" He was just enjoying
+    his success and chanting his pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!"
+    when Soeur Antoinette paused by his bed. "Tr&egrave;s bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il
+    faut les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one back to
+    the first syllable.</p>
+
+    <p>Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M&mdash;A&mdash;N was MAN, but
+    what was M&mdash;A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that M&mdash;A
+    spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M&mdash;A&mdash;N spelled.
+    At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer, and the ward was filled
+    with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which Sam&eacute;dou joined most happily.</p>
+
+    <p>Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once turned to
+    another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when she smiled back a
+    greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked proudly round him at his
+    fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we understand one another, she and
+    I!"</p>
+
+    <p>During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Sam&eacute;dou invariably met the
+    sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining fortitude, which might
+    have seemed due to insensibility had not the staff had ample proof that his silence
+    was the silence of a fine courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the
+    hospital was in preparation, and when the <i>salle de pansements</i> had to be taken
+    the photographer decided that the best lay figure for his <i>mise-en-sc&egrave;ne</i>
+    would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the staff. So
+    Sam&eacute;dou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table. Unfortunately
+    the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business of placing things in the
+    best light that no one realised that the poor Senegalese did not understand the
+    purpose of the preparations, and when the English nurse was called to take up her
+    position she noticed the hands of Sam&eacute;dou Kieta clutching the sides of the
+    table and his black eyes rolling in a sea of white.</p>
+
+    <p>She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me pr&ecirc;ter une
+    photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the treasured groups of
+    <i>la famille</i>. Taking one at random she returned to Sam&eacute;dou and held it
+    before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi, le Major, l'infirmier."</p>
+
+    <p>Sam&eacute;dou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face. "Y
+    a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"</p>
+
+    <p>When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the Sidi in
+    bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff resorted to the usual weak
+    method of confiscating all his clothes save a shirt, and hoping for the best. But one
+    day the English nurse, going unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon
+    Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, simply dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the
+    freshly-arrived wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+    exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself out with the
+    propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you. Water!" A most effectual
+    method of disarming reproof.</p>
+
+    <p>Poor Sam&eacute;dou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+    treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Moi, Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, arriv&eacute; &agrave; l'autre h&ocirc;pital. Y a bon.
+    Mais moi, Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, toi pas oubli&eacute;. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+    galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon. Y a bon. Y a
+    bon."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the western front, and
+      their losses will increase rapidly. They must shorten their lives wherever possible
+      in order to save men."&mdash;<i>Ceylon Morning Leader.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty assistance of
+    the Allies.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school, O.T.C., Varsity
+      education, speaks English, French, Spanish perfectly, engineering training,
+      efficient car driver and mechanic, horseman, is open to any sporting job connected
+      with war; willing undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will hear of
+    something that will just suit him.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm at the invasion
+      of a great part of their beautiful country by what some of them describe as a
+      plague of locusts, and yesterday considerable numbers of people visited the
+      district where the hosts are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester
+      alighted at Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists, anxious
+      to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious menace to the field and
+      garden crops."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for the roots.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE NATION DEMANDS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/005-1.png"><img src="images/005-1.png" width="100%"
+    alt="THE NATION DEMANDS." /></a><br />
+    MR. PUNCH (<i>to the PRIME MINISTER</i>}. "IF YOU <i>MUST</i> HAVE DIRTY LINEN WASHED
+    IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/006-1.png"><img src="images/006-1.png" width="100%"
+    alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+    <i>Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)</i>. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD WHEN
+    PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR TELLIN' ON ME."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ABSENTEE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Since good old Russia up and revoluted<br />
+      I have been waiting, week by weary week,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; To hear the news&mdash;the obvious item&mdash;bruited;<br />
+      But now I give it up; it will not come;<br />
+      Or anyway I can no more be dumb.<br />
+      <br />
+      Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"<br />
+      Demos superbly potting at police,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And actual swords getting an actual outing&mdash;<br />
+      Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,<br />
+      Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?<br />
+      <br />
+      You were not there! Damme, you were not <i>there</i>!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!<br />
+      "All that lost riot that you did not share"<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Managed, somehow, to get along without you;<br />
+      When Russia "went to battle for the creed"<br />
+      GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!<br />
+      <br />
+      CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"<br />
+      "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.<br />
+      Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,<br />
+      There is no word you work so hard as "sword."<br />
+      <br />
+      We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;<br />
+      Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;<br />
+      Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,<br />
+      Running amok to "slay them in the street."<br />
+      <br />
+      Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,<br />
+      And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; In "Russia's wrath"&mdash;just as you've often written;<br />
+      Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,<br />
+      While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.<br />
+      <br />
+      And yet&mdash;I understand; I don't impute<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; That only in your poems do you bicker;<br />
+      You would abstain, when people revolute,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;<br />
+      And here we have it&mdash;here's the reason why:<br />
+      <i>This was a revolution that was "dry."</i><br />
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Eagle's Plume.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+      feather."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Mr., Mrs. and Miss &mdash;&mdash;, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had a
+      lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they ot out than
+      gpractically the whole house cae mdown."&mdash;<i>Pioneer (Allahabad)</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have been more
+    careful of the individual than of the type.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited &mdash;&mdash;'s, have a
+      pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this modern Forum
+      to-morrow?"&mdash;<i>"Callisthenes" in the evening papers, June 23rd.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June 24th was a
+    Sunday.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the Moabit Goods
+      Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen, <i>et cetera</i>, exploded,
+      resulting in the destruction of a part of Vilna and the township of Osjory near the
+      Grodno conflagration station and a basket factory at Happe."&mdash;<i>Ceylon
+      Independent</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been felt even in
+    Colombo.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WOMAN AS USUAL.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>In the manner of some of our own evening papers</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <p>It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality Exhibition,
+    where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling. Just before leaving,
+    however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being compounded with oddments of rabbit
+    and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma which I hated to leave&mdash;even for luncheon
+    at the Fitz.</p>
+
+    <h4>AT THE FITZ.</h4>
+
+    <p>By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+    <i>goulash</i>, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being prepared
+    at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion of classes is happily
+    illustrated in the common use of the same comestibles.</p>
+
+    <p>There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in these war-time
+    days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking remarkably well-nourished in a
+    mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett
+    and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.</p>
+
+    <h4>YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.</h4>
+
+    <p>Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia, yesterday,
+    on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego. The story of the
+    engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was returning from Peru, where she had
+    been hunting armadillos; the ship in which she was travelling was wrecked in the
+    Straits of Magellan, and she was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually
+    cruising about in his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match,
+    but all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism and is
+    now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a fine-looking man of the
+    prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the crowd on leaving the church.</p>
+
+    <h4>A CHARMING CONCERT.</h4>
+
+    <p>All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti has decided
+    to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her programme as usual reflects her
+    catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she will sing not only Welsh and Cornish
+    folk-songs, but works by PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young
+    American composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will be
+    represented.</p>
+
+    <h4>TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.</h4>
+
+    <p>The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot weather, when
+    luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and dinner resolves itself into
+    a cold collation in the cool of the evening, some refreshment between our second and
+    third meals is indispensable. I accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten
+    flour and are very quickly made.</p>
+
+    <p>Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash, a quarter
+    of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and pound the peaches to a
+    pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir vigorously with a mirliton. Put into
+    patty-pans and bake gently for about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About
+    thirty cakes should result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+    proportionately.</p>
+
+    <p>Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+    egg&mdash;a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint of
+    Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.</p>
+
+    <p>M&Eacute;LISANDE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/007-1.png"><img src="images/007-1.png" width="66%"
+    alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+    <i>Extract from Hun airman's report</i>. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH FORMATION,
+    CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The New Plutocracy.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."&mdash;<i>North Star.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than butter; and in
+      winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for its sleeping
+      place."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The cheese should however be carefully tethered.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON GERLACH, was
+    effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in Europe." Another slight
+    for LITTLE WILLIE.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises that "the
+    use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be permitted." Abbreviations
+    now dear to the London subscriber, such as "Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz&mdash;are
+    you&mdash;ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc., etc., will no longer be allowed.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to explain
+    their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is already manifesting
+    itself in New York and elsewhere.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week obtained a
+    divorce.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of which are
+    pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very unlucky to be buried on a
+    Sunday.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat with a fur
+    coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can be kept at a
+    distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious plants. There is also much to be
+    said for the plan of making a noise like a German.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady of
+    Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and take a note or
+    two.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord RHONDDA on
+    Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features last week.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other day, just
+    as if he were a High Court Judge.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that the guests
+    left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said as to how this happy idea
+    originated.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held between
+    Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most suitable time for
+    business men who are assisting America in war-work.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of cheese was
+    alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed 8,173,639
+    hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the story that he thought it
+    was much larger than this.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the Wye. As the
+    fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must have been leading a double,
+    or even treble, life.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country by a
+    recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the effect that "Honesty is
+    the best policy."</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been set by the
+    python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his mid-monthly lunch.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears a
+    remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major, it appears,
+    explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible accident he had when a
+    boy.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A correspondent in <i>Folk Lore</i> declares that the hedgehog is, after all, a
+    very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any comparison with other
+    animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win on points.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that the War has
+    only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy coincidence that their entry
+    into the War synchronises with the initial operations.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in parcels
+    to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been experienced, it is pointed
+    out, in securing prompt delivery of portions of uncooked eggs that may have escaped
+    from the parcels in which they were confined.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot speak a
+    word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh." Probably the
+    platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently like Welsh.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main difficulties
+    in connection with the beer supply. This however is questioned by many patriotic
+    consumers, who affirm that they are very rarely able to get as much as they can
+    carry.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be under
+    consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as exposed in the
+    Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business from the Isle of Wight.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RUINED RAPTURE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      Through many a busy year of peace<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;I hoped some day, by way of beano,<br />
+      To give myself a jaunt in Greece,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).<br />
+      Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; I'd loll within some leafy hollow<br />
+      With Aphrodite <i>t&eacute;te-a-t&eacute;te</i><br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Or barter back-chat with Apollo.<br />
+      <br />
+      Around Olympus' foot I'd roam<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; (Not being really fond of climbing),<br />
+      Absorb romance and carry home<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Increased facility at rhyming;<br />
+      Those hallowed haunts of many a god<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; That nowadays we only read of<br />
+      Would give my Pegasus the prod<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; He not unseldom stood in need of.<br />
+      <br />
+      That was in Peace. And then the War<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Sent me to learn within a hutment<br />
+      What martial duties held in store<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;<br />
+      <br />
+      Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; A route-march to a wayside station,<br />
+      With (every single soldier guessed)<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Greece as our "unknown destination."<br />
+      <br />
+      I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; The clouds at rest upon its summit,<br />
+      But did I thrill or long to throw<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?<br />
+      Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; I only felt the body's inner<br />
+      Cravings and said, "I'll bet a bob<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; It's bully once again for dinner."<br />
+    </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called Chartreuse, situated
+        near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now
+        in the field, and has been empty since the beginning of the
+        war."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE LEAVE-WANGLER.</h2>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/009-1.png"><img src="images/009-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="THE LEAVE-WANGLER." /></a></p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/010-1.png"><img src="images/010-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Father.</i> "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"<br />
+      <i>Tommy.</i> "C 6."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>HAY FEVER.</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!<br />
+        What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?<br />
+        What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?<br />
+        There <i>is</i> no anodyne for this disease&mdash;<br />
+        Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;<br />
+        But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.<br />
+        For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!<br />
+        Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;<br />
+        And as for that condemned acacia-tree&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,<br />
+        In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;<br />
+        Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,<br />
+        Who simply revel in the longest grasses,<br />
+        While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Fain would I spend my summers high in air;<br />
+        At least there are no privet-hedges there.<br />
+        But even then I have no doubt the smell<br />
+        From slopes celestial of asphodel<br />
+        Would fill the firmament and give me hell&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        They tell me 'tis the man of intellect<br />
+        The baneful seeds especially affect;<br />
+        And I that sneeze one million times a year&mdash;<br />
+        I ought to have a notable career,<br />
+        Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain<br />
+        Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,<br />
+        Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray<br />
+        Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,<br />
+        And not explode in this exhausting way&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>Wanted, a Faith-healer.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        <p>Dear Madam,&mdash;We have received your enquiry for Sergeant &mdash;&mdash;,
+        and wish to inform you that he was transferred to &mdash;&mdash; Hospital,
+        suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information may be of some
+        value,</p>
+
+        <p>Yours faithfully, &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy, with all his
+        Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six years, will be able to bruise
+        the serpent's heel."&mdash;<i>Observer</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "MARRIAGES.&mdash;All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors &mdash;&mdash;
+        Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially erected for the
+        purpose."&mdash;<i>The Age</i> (<i>Melbourne</i>).
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+      "conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and Glasnevin
+      Cemetery."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        <p>"Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up adoringly into
+        his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.</p>
+
+        <p>A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had wooed and
+        won her so long ago.</p>
+
+        <p>Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+        eyes."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening Chronicle</i>.</p>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will finish with
+      two black eyes.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE SAVING OF THE RACE.</h2>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/011-1.png"><img src="images/011-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="THE SAVING OF THE RACE." /></a><br />
+      ["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The object of
+      the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the care of their
+      children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will be felt for a cause to
+      which our heavy losses in the War have given an added urgency. Those who desire to
+      give practical help towards the cost of the scheme will kindly address their gifts
+      to the Hon. Treasurer, National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street,
+      W.I.]</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+      <p><i>Monday, June 25th</i>.&mdash;Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+      Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR, who politely
+      represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation in Greece, and actually
+      declared to-day that the difficulties of the Allies would only be increased by the
+      hon. Member's attempts to deal with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done
+      with, however. "Is that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by
+      reason of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the apologist
+      of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of freewill and
+      necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."</p>
+
+      <p>The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE,
+      whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best definition of infinity," have
+      been, at intervals, its pride and joy for over thirty years. But it will have to
+      wait a while, for&mdash;strange lapse on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen
+      contests!&mdash;Sir ROBERT had omitted to bring with him the returning-officer's
+      certificate. Lord HALSBURY, delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance
+      in the House forty years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly
+      endless pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.</p>
+
+      <p>At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good Nationalists
+      would remain in their country, doing their best to make the Convention a success.
+      Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at Westminster, because it proposes to
+      set up a Conference to consider the future composition and powers of the Second
+      Chamber. Was it not, he asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express
+      consent of the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+      questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such action was
+      distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly transported to the dear dead
+      days before the War, when he was hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER,
+      considers that Mr. LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such
+      indecent length and accuracy.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Tuesday, June 26th</i>.&mdash;A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+      STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids, and
+      advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities. Had his appeal
+      been successful he would have been recorded in history as the mildest-mannered man
+      that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY would have none of it. British
+      aeroplanes&mdash;of which, like every nation engaged in the War, we have none too
+      many&mdash;shall only be employed in bombing when some distinctly military object
+      is to be achieved.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-1.png"><img src="images/012-1.png"
+      width="50%" alt="THE RIVALS." /></a><br />
+      THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.</p>
+
+      <p>After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has decided
+      that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid would tend to do more
+      harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (<i>teste</i> Mr. CATHCART WASON) has announced
+      that he will not ring the great bell of St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while
+      regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN should be deprived of a health-giving exercise,
+      had, as a point of fact, declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their
+      belfry.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-2.png"><img src="images/012-2.png"
+      width="33%" alt="A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE." /></a><br />
+      A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.</p>
+
+      <p>Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the store of
+      commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at Gallipoli. Otherwise
+      he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs. ANNIE BESANT, upon whose
+      activities the Government of Madras have imposed certain salutary restrictions.
+      What India wants, I understand, is less Besant and more Rice.</p>
+
+      <p>Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there is
+      logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those who have
+      refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and others, but,
+      apart from the objections urged on high religious grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the
+      Government was probably right in resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake
+      in ever giving a statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that
+      person could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+      lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having deliberately
+      provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to inflict a penalty upon
+      those who creep through it. And so the House thought, for it rejected the proposal
+      by a two-to-one majority.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Wednesday, June 27th</i>.&mdash;There is a general impression that membership
+      of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse for the avoidance of
+      military service. This, it appears, is erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a
+      Medical Board has declared unfit for general service; and even these, according to
+      Mr. FORSTER, may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to certain
+      potential heroes.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Thursday, June 28th</i>.&mdash;Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment
+      is to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects him of
+      concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR represses impertinent
+      curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir
+      G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr.
+      BALFOUR proposed to take no action. The letter was a private communication, which
+      would never have been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr.
+      KING'S own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that everything in
+      it would bear publication.</p>
+
+      <p>Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+      letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd to one
+      TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME SECRETARY be more
+      careful, please, about interning alien friends without trial? Sir George Cave was
+      sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY. There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been
+      interned&mdash;by the Germans. Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.</p>
+
+      <p>The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the wonderful
+      work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of listening to ADDISON on
+      Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of this combination was quite so
+      sparkling as it should have been, for the orator stuck closely to his manuscript
+      and allowed himself few flights of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and
+      the House readily endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and
+      Messines.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/013-1.png"><img src="images/013-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      "DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"<br />
+      "YES, DEAR."<br />
+      "BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The Exile's Lament,
+
+        <blockquote>
+          'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,<br />
+          Where we sat side by side.'"
+        </blockquote>
+        &mdash;<i>Canadian Courier.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady DUFFERIN
+      wrote something very like it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>A RESOLUTION.</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        I'll tell you what I mean to do<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; When these our wars shall cease to rage:<br />
+        I'll go where Summer skies are blue<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And Spring enjoys her heritage;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I shall not work for fame or wage,<br />
+        But wear a large black silk cravat,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; A velvet coat that's grey with age<br />
+        Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.<br />
+        <br />
+        I'll journey to some Tuscan town<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And rent a palace for a song,<br />
+        And all the walls I'll whitewash down<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Some day when I am feeling strong;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And there I'll pass my days among<br />
+        My books, and, when my reading palls<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And Summer days are overlong,<br />
+        I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.<br />
+        <br />
+        The world may go her divers ways<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The while I draw or write or smoke,<br />
+        Happy to live laborious days<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; There among simple painter folk;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; To wed the olive and the oak,<br />
+        Most patiently to woo the Muse,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And wear a great big Tuscan cloak<br />
+        To guard against the heavy dews.<br />
+        <br />
+        Between the olive and the vine<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I'll make heroic mock of Mars,<br />
+        And drink at even golden wine<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And afterwards harangue the stars<br />
+        In little gems of fervid speech,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And smoke impossible cigars<br />
+        Which cost at least three <i>soldi</i> each.<br />
+        <br />
+        Let more ambitious spirits spin<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The web of life for weal or woe,<br />
+        Whilst I above my violin<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Shall sit and watch the vale below<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; All crimson in the afterglow;<br />
+        And when the patient stars grow bright<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I'll draw across the strings my bow<br />
+        Till Chopin ushers in the night.<br />
+        <br />
+        Such things as these I mean to do<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; When Peace once more resumes her sway;<br />
+        To walk barefooted through the dew<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And while the sunlit hours away,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; If haply I may find some gay<br />
+        Conceit to light a sombre mind,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; As gracious as a Summer day,<br />
+        As wayward as an April wind.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>A Legitimate Inference.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+        clergyman."&mdash;<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and hand them to the
+        Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to seize the materials stolen.
+        Enquiry is still going on."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>The authorities seem to be living up to their title.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.</h2>
+
+      <h3>A CONTRAST.</h3>
+
+      <h4>I.</h4>
+      My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect control;
+      and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds palliations and makes
+      allowances for all those defections in the servants of the public which goad men to
+      fury and which, since the War came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a
+      pretext, have been exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate,
+      has X. gone his uncomplaining way for years.
+
+      <p>But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and purple with
+      rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted were those ordinarily placid
+      features. His eyes were fixed on a receding taxi.</p>
+
+      <p>Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free. "Don't
+      touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in life when tact is
+      second nature, I waited silently near him until the storm should have passed.</p>
+
+      <p>His eyes were still fixed.</p>
+
+      <p>After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.</p>
+
+      <p>"I could have killed that fellow," he said.</p>
+
+      <p>"What fellow?"</p>
+
+      <p>"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look at me. I
+      hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me. Now I don't mind when
+      they point, or make any kind of sign that they don't want to be hired, or say that
+      they have no petrol, even if I don't believe it; but when they won't turn their
+      heads or pay any attention whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of
+      them like that. I swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again&mdash;"I swear
+      that, if I had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+      another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication. It's only
+      human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like that chap. It's awful,
+      awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to
+      the House of Lords if necessary. Such men&mdash;ugh!"</p>
+
+      <p>He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.</p>
+
+      <p>"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken his number!
+      "</p>
+
+      <h4>II.</h4>
+
+      <p>The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the
+      <i>d&eacute;bris</i> of a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be
+      cleared away. The last guests had gone&mdash;in this or that conveyance, or on our
+      best friends in war-time, the feet&mdash;and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+      taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or less energy
+      by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of whom returned at
+      intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say how hopeless the case was
+      and how independent the men had become.</p>
+
+      <p>One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud laugh of
+      mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!" signifying, as I understood
+      it, that nothing on earth should interfere with his homeward journey that night,
+      since he had done enough and was tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still
+      required his services, he was at my disposal.</p>
+
+      <p>The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in the
+      hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of the chase.</p>
+
+      <p>At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a young
+      man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise covering one of
+      the noblest personalities in the land&mdash;some Haroun al Raschid, filled with
+      pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life to redressing the wrongs
+      inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi tyrants&mdash;for he said nothing about having
+      no petrol, nothing about the lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in
+      which we wished to go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and
+      on the cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end insisted
+      on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and had no objection to
+      make when asked to wait a little longer and go on elsewhere.</p>
+
+      <p>All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be true? Could
+      it?</p>
+
+      <p>And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank you,"
+      although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally burned. Perhaps it
+      did; I was too dazed to remember.</p>
+
+      <p>How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and look for
+      it, assured of a gentleman on the box!</p>
+
+      <h4>III.</h4>
+
+      <p>So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still&mdash;only the bad ones
+      are more difficult to get hold of.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/014-1.png"><img src="images/014-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      "SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS&mdash;GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE TAPESTRY WHILE SHE
+      PINCHED MY BREAD!"</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>Caveat Emptor.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Leopard for Sale.&mdash;A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet. Purchaser will
+        have to make his own arrangements for removal."&mdash;<i>The Statesman
+        (India).</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to change its
+      spot.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom. This is
+        sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen weeks."&mdash;<i>Greenock
+        Telegraph.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the staffs of
+      other journals?</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big states as also the
+        Government (and yet in service) and obtained a great deal of experience is
+        entirely willing to accept a respectable post either of a Companion or a
+        Household Controller or A.D.C."&mdash;<i>Indian Paper.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Can this be TINO?</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an undertaking that
+        nothing would be done to expend public money in this connection before the House
+        had had the opportunity of discussing the question?"&mdash;<i>Provincial
+        Paper.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the supporters of both
+        camps are curiously watching to see if they will now find themselves in hot
+        water."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+        dairy."&mdash;<i>Observer.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>TO LORD RHONDDA.</h2>
+
+      <p>DEAR LORD RHONDDA,&mdash;When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+      College, spending your leisure-time in an eight- or a pair-oar, and stirring up the
+      muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I cannot believe that any
+      premonitions of the heights of celebrity to which you would some day attain
+      disturbed your mind. And yet here you are, a survivor from the foul and murderous
+      shattering of the <i>Lusitania</i>, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a
+      peer, and the Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.</p>
+
+      <p>Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the post you
+      now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his tenure of it cannot
+      have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an infallible recipe for catching
+      sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning them into potatoes, or whatever might be
+      the fashionable food at the moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in
+      prices must be entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+      article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to grind&mdash;all
+      these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to their hands, and gave
+      him a time which can only be described as a very bad one. Add to this the mistakes
+      almost necessarily made by an office which was entirely new and dealt with
+      unexampled conditions, and it is not on the whole surprising that difficulties were
+      encountered and that the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed
+      there was or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+      DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words <i>maximum</i> and
+      <i>minimum</i> as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these Latin
+      monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.</p>
+
+      <p>However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S place and
+      can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into the belief that all
+      is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to believe that if I tried for a
+      month of Sundays, and I don't mean to spend my time to no purpose. But I think the
+      great body of the nation is determined that you shall have fair play and will
+      support you through thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you
+      may recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+      food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to be led, we
+      are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for having engaged your
+      reputation and your skill and your firmness in the task of leading or driving us.
+      And if in the course of your duty you encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to
+      grind the faces of the poor or to find his own profit in the misery of his
+      fellow-men we look to you to give him short shrift.</p>
+
+      <p>I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and faithful
+      Servant,</p>
+
+      <p>THE GATE OF HUMILITY.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/015-1.png"><img src="images/015-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting).</i> "NOW THEN, MY MAN,
+      DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"<br />
+      <i>Recruit</i>. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE, AS YOU
+      MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired wheels)."&mdash;<i>Kentish
+        Mercury</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a sympathetic
+      fatigue.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>"Delirant Reges."</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,<br />
+        Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons<br />
+        Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields<br />
+        Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."<br />
+        Perhaps; but what if he is down below?<br />
+        In any case what we should like to know<br />
+        Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,<br />
+        Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits<br />
+        Because his Emperor has lost his wits.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>One of the "Illuminate."</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas connections."&mdash;<i>Montreal
+        Daily Star</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+      <h3>THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.</h3>
+
+      <p>First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible fantasy
+      in mime&mdash;<i>The Magic Pipe</i>: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+      sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE, who played
+      his own part, <i>Pierrot</i>, with a fine sincerity and a sense of the great
+      tradition in this <i>genre</i>, got his effect across to us with an admirable
+      directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly
+      sort of way (which is a very nice way), danced seriously, fantastically,
+      delightfully, and with quite astonishing command of her technique&mdash;the sort of
+      thing that nine infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+      condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been consoled by
+      the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I have a fancy that mime
+      would go far to restore sanity and tradition to the English stage, and every
+      creditable essay in a delightful art deserves the fullest support.</p>
+
+      <p>It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three Acts
+      over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns (its theme) have
+      no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke was not the really serious
+      thing about <i>The Foundations</i>, a play that starts (some years hence) with a
+      mob of starving people yelling outside the house&mdash;dear, stupid, kindly <i>Lord
+      William Dromondy's</i> house. <i>Lord William</i> was a god of an infantry captain
+      in the great War, and his four footmen&mdash;particularly <i>James</i>, the first
+      of them&mdash;though revolutionaries at heart, are ready to stand between their
+      master and any other revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the
+      foundations of <i>Lord William's</i> Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+      laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.</p>
+
+      <p>The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited over.
+      But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as it was, was
+      diverting in the extreme.</p>
+
+      <p>Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as black
+      as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to keep our end up in
+      the great War. But we know the customs of leopards, and can forgive our pessimist
+      for his creations (for all the world as if he were a milliner) of <i>Poulder, Lord
+      William's</i> butler, rounded pillar of the eternal old order of things; of
+      <i>James</i>, revolutionary but faithful (of course <i>James</i> never would in
+      fact have kept this absurd job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless,
+      torrentially eloquent plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness
+      and the letting of the blood of all who were not kind.</p>
+
+      <p>Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his head, as
+      is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is perhaps ungracious to
+      remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY PAXTON'S triumph with <i>Poulder</i>
+      was his admirable restraint&mdash;rarest of accomplishments among comic stage
+      butlers. The effect of everything was heightened by this excellent economy. It was
+      a lesson in artistic reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was
+      <i>The Press</i> of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good
+      deal more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I should put
+      it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD
+      has made a deserved reputation as the strong silly ass. He sustained it&mdash;with
+      something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S <i>James</i> was a quite excellent
+      performance, not very coherent and consistent in conception on the author's part,
+      perhaps, and on that account all the more difficult. Miss ESM&Eacute; HUBBARD gave
+      us pathos skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman turned
+      trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite astonishing aptitude (or the
+      most wonderful training) in the part of her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also
+      did well with her rather intrusive part of <i>Lord William's</i> daughter.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Box B</i>, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us home
+      easy-minded to bed. <i>Bobby Stroud</i>, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty (oh, ever
+      such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was
+      really perfectly irresistible&mdash;something ought to be done about it. She would
+      have reduced the whole Flying Corps to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had
+      just that air of awkward modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank
+      as an advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl with
+      all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little things.</p>
+
+      <p>The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever so long
+      ago.</p>
+
+      <p>T.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/016-1.png"><img src="images/016-1.png"
+      width="33%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr. DAWSON MILWARD) to give
+      its views on things in general.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THERE USED TO BE&mdash;&mdash;</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        There used to be fairies in Germany&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I know, for I've seen them there<br />
+        In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; With their heads high up in the air;<br />
+        They scrambled about in the forest<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And nobody seemed to mind;<br />
+        They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And they smiled and their eyes were kind.<br />
+        <br />
+        What, and oh what were they doing<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; To let things happen like this?<br />
+        How could it be? And didn't they see<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; That folk were going amiss?<br />
+        Were they too busy playing,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Or can they perhaps have slept,<br />
+        That never they heard an ominous word<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; That stealthily crept and crept?<br />
+        <br />
+        There used to be fairies in Germany&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The children will look for them still;<br />
+        They will search all about till the sunlight slips out<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And the trees stand frowning and chill.<br />
+        "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And where can the fairies be fled<br />
+        That played in the fern?"&mdash;The flowers will return,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; But I fear that the fairies are dead.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>The Kaiser Lands in England.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never popular. Father
+        Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as chairman of the Assessment
+        Committee, was the most unpopular man in Plymouth except one, and the other one
+        was the Kaiser."&mdash;<i>Western Daily Mercury</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Letter addressed to local Tribunal:&mdash;</p>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Dear Sirs,&mdash;The reason for my exemption has been removed and I shall be
+        glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/017-1.png"><img src="images/017-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND YOU CAN'T
+      CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?&mdash;AND OF COURSE YOU MUST
+      CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+      <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+
+      <p>I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr. FIELDING-HALL'S
+      <i>The Way of Peace</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of reader that is drawing
+      plans in his head for a New England. No wonder that in these great days the
+      impatient idealist rushes forth with his bag of dreams. The author of <i>The Soul
+      of a People</i> is extreme but sane&mdash;an extremist in common sense, say. He
+      stakes on the fact of human solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and
+      crookednesses of politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he
+      is!); wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+      musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less ignorant;
+      good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit of government and of
+      fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as a plasmon-fed high-brow
+      proposition but as the natural expression of a joy of life returned; a clear fount
+      of honour; a representative House of Commons; justice, respect, common sense and
+      responsibility instead of charity; some place other than the streets for our young
+      men and maidens to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+      individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted against
+      the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible things. Here is not
+      the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of living citizenship. I commend
+      it to all believers in new days and all honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a
+      programme but as a tonic.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Do not, please, run away with the idea that <i>The Nursery</i> (HEINEMANN)
+      presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The background of his
+      story, the scenes of which are laid in and around Colchester a year or so ago, is
+      composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On these he gives a lot of information, and,
+      as he could not be pedantic even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the
+      store of knowledge set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing
+      with the War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+      novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of <i>The Nursery</i> I failed
+      to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr. PHILLPOTTS usually
+      succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his novels must know by this time
+      that he is not exactly in love with <i>Mrs. Grundy</i>, but here he seems to be
+      insurgent against something, and for the life of me I don't know quite what it is.
+      Perhaps it is insincerity, which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against.
+      There is one very amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who
+      defied law and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+      justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is <i>William Ambrose</i>, and it is
+      worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM SMITH&mdash;the
+      discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder STEVENSON, and other
+      persons of discernment) for the romantic possibilities of the map. There is an
+      excellent map in the beginning of Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the
+      peculiar domain of childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win
+      your sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the heart of
+      the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of nursery life proclaims a
+      genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood faked up for literary ends. Who that
+      has once been young can read unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and
+      Contrivances," with its entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during
+      the providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery, down two
+      flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a reviewer whom
+      nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the possibility of this
+      delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks too&mdash;Mr. SMITH has
+      remembered them with a proper regard that is, of course, wholly different from that
+      of those who understand them only in their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved
+      for themselves alone, for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of
+      hoarding and barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+      that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent it as
+      betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door of which too many
+      of us have long lost the key.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>What I found strangest in the <i>Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis</i> (MURRAY)
+      is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about rogues, in which trickery
+      is invariably vanquished&mdash;a refreshing contrast to the methods of most of our
+      romanticists, who are given to a certain courtier-like attitude towards the
+      lawbreaker. Certainly that various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put
+      together a highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+      tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned, not with
+      bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers in the spurious
+      antique and the exploits of <i>Lord Louis</i> in defeating them. This <i>Lord
+      Louis</i> is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very ingenious gentleman. From the
+      rotundity of his conversational periods and a certain general suavity of demeanour
+      I suspect him of having made a careful study of the methods of his distinguished
+      predecessor in rogue-reducing, <i>Prince Florizel of Bohemia.</i> But he is, of
+      course, none the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when,
+      in perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he&mdash;I can hardly bring myself to quote
+      the passage!&mdash;he "moistened his fingers and turned over three pages." And this
+      of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE! Having said so much, it is only
+      fair that I should call your special attention to one of the stories, "The House in
+      Bath," an exquisite little gem of considerably higher art than is usually
+      associated with such "Exploits of the Event."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as <i>Home Truths
+      about the War</i> (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so often been used
+      as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable statements that we have grown
+      excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this account the letters that the Rev. HUGH
+      CHAPMAN has here brought together would be to miss a very original and inspiring
+      little book. Let me say once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and
+      popular chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author) has
+      deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in letters, can
+      hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one side, and accepting these,
+      not as the letters that would be written from one man to another, but rather (to
+      speak without irreverence) such as the human heart might address to its Creator,
+      you will find them full of interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of
+      men and women are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+      these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The priest, the
+      actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the conscientious objector, are all
+      touched lightly, tactfully, and with a kindly humour that saves the book from its
+      very obvious danger of becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has
+      crystallised very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+      towards the War&mdash;buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality in
+      its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in <i>Early English Adventurers in the East</i>
+      (MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at any rate, of
+      the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual existence, but I tell myself
+      hopefully that my ignorance of those daring pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as
+      humble adventurers of the seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been
+      satisfactorily removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of
+      stirring deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+      rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And Mr. WRIGHT is
+      not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but also on the admirable way
+      in which he has performed it. A restrained style and a temperate judgment are
+      equally at his command. I cannot better commend his book to Imperialists than by
+      saying that all Little Englanders will detest it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>On internal evidence I had set down <i>Root and Branch</i> (ALLEN AND UNWIN), by
+      R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and observant writer of
+      the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page gives two previous novels to
+      her pen&mdash;I still guess a woman's hand. And I by no means withdraw the
+      "clever." The characterisation of the various members of the <i>Arenski</i>
+      family&mdash;the branches are better done than the root, old <i>Paul Arenski,
+      K.C.</i>, idealist and orator&mdash;is uncannily good. There's wit and humour and
+      diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first book" idea was an uncertainty of
+      method, a hesitation between the new realism and the older romanticism. In both
+      moods the author is successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This,
+      however, is technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+      approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the book, the
+      ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in killing, at her passionate
+      request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly dying of a terrible disease.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/018-1.png"><img src="images/018-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a portrait
+      enlargement).</i> "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT SATISFIED.' I'M
+      <i>NOT</i> SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."<br />
+      <i>The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)</i> "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MADAM;
+      BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT
+      SPECIFY <i>WHO</i> IS TO BE SATISFIED&mdash;AND I ASSURE YOU I <i>AM</i>."</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No.
+1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 8643-h.htm or 8643-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/8/6/4/8643/
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
+  www.gutenberg.org/license.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at 809
+North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887.  Email
+contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
+Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:  www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+  </body>
+</html>
+
diff --git a/8643-h/images/001-1.png b/8643-h/images/001-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c061ba7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/001-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/003-1.png b/8643-h/images/003-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9e6e9ec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/003-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/005-1.png b/8643-h/images/005-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2997e6b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/005-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/006-1.png b/8643-h/images/006-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..15c396c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/006-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/007-1.png b/8643-h/images/007-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aac56c5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/007-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/009-1.png b/8643-h/images/009-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2341645
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/009-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/010-1.png b/8643-h/images/010-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6d08ceb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/010-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/011-1.png b/8643-h/images/011-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f6ead72
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/011-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/012-1.png b/8643-h/images/012-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a762783
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/012-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/012-2.png b/8643-h/images/012-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b980a0e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/012-2.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/013-1.png b/8643-h/images/013-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e65ee8a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/013-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/014-1.png b/8643-h/images/014-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..41799e2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/014-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/015-1.png b/8643-h/images/015-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cf552d7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/015-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/016-1.png b/8643-h/images/016-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fdd521c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/016-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/017-1.png b/8643-h/images/017-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f31b6c0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/017-1.png
diff --git a/8643-h/images/018-1.png b/8643-h/images/018-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ddc61f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643-h/images/018-1.png
diff --git a/8643.txt b/8643.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..980b534
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1934 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #8643]
+Release Date: August, 2005
+First Posted: July 29, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Vol. 153.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Punch 1917.07.04
+
+[Illustration: VOL. CLIII]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.
+
+The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper
+spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.
+
+"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG
+himself. If it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I
+knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday.
+He'd come round that there bend a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like
+some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always
+stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.
+
+"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house,
+and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them
+as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home
+with your golf-clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I
+went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you.
+
+"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what
+couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old
+woman a-goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and
+eggs and onions--it were all just the same to little Billy.
+
+"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they
+have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair
+knocked over, and him so little and all.
+
+"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.
+
+"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me--'Grandpa,' he says,
+'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing
+to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have
+to get back to France again to see him.'
+
+"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns
+it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.
+
+"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment.
+Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here
+call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to
+the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a
+reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the
+fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the
+railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their
+locomotives and rolling stock.'
+
+"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for
+hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army
+wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think
+my Billy's in the paper."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MELTING-POT.
+
+["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection
+of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM
+THE FIRST."--_Reuter_.]
+
+    Heavy is Armageddon's price
+    And loud the call to sacrifice;
+    All stuff composed of likely metals--
+    Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles--
+  Into the War's insatiate melting-pot
+        Has to be shot.
+
+    That was a hard and bitter blow
+    When first your church-bells had to go--
+    Those saintly bells that rang carillons
+    While in the maw of happy millions
+  Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled
+        For babies killed.
+
+    It hurt your Christian hearts to melt
+    A source of faith so keenly felt;
+    And now (worse sacrilege than that) you
+    Propose to take yon regal statue,
+  That godlike effigy, and make a gun
+        Of WILLIAM ONE!
+
+    What will _He_ say when you reduce
+    His Relative to cannon-juice?
+    The prospect must be pretty rotten
+    If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten
+  Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,
+        For useful ends.
+
+    I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!
+    They're liquefying Grandpapa!
+    The nation's needs, that grow acuter,
+    Count sacred things as so much pewter;
+  Even my holy crown may go some day
+        Down the red way!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE SENEGALAIS.
+
+Samedou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+"M--A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient
+puzzling, "M--A--MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in
+one wide white grin before turning to the next syllable, "M--A--N." Once
+more the puzzled frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints
+from neighbouring beds, once more the triumph of perseverance,
+"M--A--N--MAN!" He was just enjoying his success and chanting his
+pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" when Soeur
+Antoinette paused by his bed. "Tres bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il faut
+les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one
+back to the first syllable.
+
+Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M--A--N was MAN, but
+what was M--A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that
+M--A spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M--A--N
+spelled. At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer,
+and the ward was filled with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which
+Samedou joined most happily.
+
+Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once
+turned to another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when
+she smiled back a greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked
+proudly round him at his fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we
+understand one another, she and I!"
+
+During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samedou invariably met
+the sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining
+fortitude, which might have seemed due to insensibility had not the
+staff had ample proof that his silence was the silence of a fine
+courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the hospital was in
+preparation, and when the _salle de pansements_ had to be taken the
+photographer decided that the best lay figure for his _mise-en-scene_
+would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the
+staff. So Samedou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table.
+Unfortunately the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business
+of placing things in the best light that no one realised that the poor
+Senegalese did not understand the purpose of the preparations, and when
+the English nurse was called to take up her position she noticed the
+hands of Samedou Kieta clutching the sides of the table and his black
+eyes rolling in a sea of white.
+
+She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me preter
+une photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the
+treasured groups of _la famille_. Taking one at random she returned to
+Samedou and held it before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi,
+le Major, l'infirmier."
+
+Samedou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face.
+"Y a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"
+
+When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the
+Sidi in bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff
+resorted to the usual weak method of confiscating all his clothes save a
+shirt, and hoping for the best. But one day the English nurse, going
+unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon Samedou Kieta, simply
+dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the freshly-arrived
+wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself
+out with the propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you.
+Water!" A most effectual method of disarming reproof.
+
+Poor Samedou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:--
+
+"Moi, Samedou Kieta, arrive a l'autre hopital. Y a bon. Mais moi,
+Samedou Kieta, toi pas oublie. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon.
+Y a bon. Y a bon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the
+    western front, and their losses will increase rapidly. They must
+    shorten their lives wherever possible in order to save
+    men."--_Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty
+assistance of the Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school,
+    O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish
+    perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic,
+    horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing
+    undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+
+If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will
+hear of something that will just suit him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm
+    at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what
+    some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday
+    considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts
+    are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at
+    Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists,
+    anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious
+    menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_.
+
+It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for
+the roots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.]
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN
+WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD
+WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR
+TELLIN' ON ME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABSENTEE.
+
+(_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._)
+
+  Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...
+    Since good old Russia up and revoluted
+  I have been waiting, week by weary week,
+    To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited;
+  But now I give it up; it will not come;
+  Or anyway I can no more be dumb.
+
+  Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release--
+    "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"
+  Demos superbly potting at police,
+    And actual swords getting an actual outing--
+  Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,
+  Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?
+
+  You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_!
+    Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!
+  "All that lost riot that you did not share"
+    Managed, somehow, to get along without you;
+  When Russia "went to battle for the creed"
+  GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!
+
+  CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!
+    Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"
+  "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?
+    Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.
+  Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,
+  There is no word you work so hard as "sword."
+
+  We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,
+    "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;
+  Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;
+    Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;
+  Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,
+  Running amok to "slay them in the street."
+
+  Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,
+    And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,
+  And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades
+    In "Russia's wrath"--just as you've often written;
+  Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,
+  While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.
+
+  And yet--I understand; I don't impute
+    That only in your poems do you bicker;
+  You would abstain, when people revolute,
+    No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;
+  And here we have it--here's the reason why:
+  _This was a revolution that was "dry."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Eagle's Plume.
+
+    "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+    feather."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ----, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had
+    a lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they
+    ot out than gpractically the whole house cae mdown."--_Pioneer
+    (Allahabad)_.
+
+On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have
+been more careful of the individual than of the type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ----'s, have a
+    pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this
+    modern Forum to-morrow?"--_"Callisthenes" in the evening papers,
+    June 23rd._
+
+One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June
+24th was a Sunday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the
+    Moabit Goods Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen,
+    _et cetera_, exploded, resulting in the destruction of a part of
+    Vilna and the township of Osjory near the Grodno conflagration
+    station and a basket factory at Happe."--_Ceylon Independent_.
+
+The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been
+felt even in Colombo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN AS USUAL.
+
+(_In the manner of some of our own evening papers_.)
+
+It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality
+Exhibition, where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling.
+Just before leaving, however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being
+compounded with oddments of rabbit and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma
+which I hated to leave--even for luncheon at the Fitz.
+
+AT THE FITZ.
+
+By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+_goulash_, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being
+prepared at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion
+of classes is happily illustrated in the common use of the same
+comestibles.
+
+There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in
+these war-time days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking
+remarkably well-nourished in a mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough
+hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.
+
+YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.
+
+Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia,
+yesterday, on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego.
+The story of the engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was
+returning from Peru, where she had been hunting armadillos; the ship in
+which she was travelling was wrecked in the Straits of Magellan, and she
+was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually cruising about in
+his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, but
+all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism
+and is now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a
+fine-looking man of the prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the
+crowd on leaving the church.
+
+A CHARMING CONCERT.
+
+All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti
+has decided to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her
+programme as usual reflects her catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she
+will sing not only Welsh and Cornish folk-songs, but works by
+PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young American
+composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will
+be represented.
+
+TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.
+
+The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot
+weather, when luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and
+dinner resolves itself into a cold collation in the cool of the evening,
+some refreshment between our second and third meals is indispensable. I
+accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten flour and are very
+quickly made.
+
+Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash,
+a quarter of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and
+pound the peaches to a pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir
+vigorously with a mirliton. Put into patty-pans and bake gently for
+about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About thirty cakes should
+result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+proportionately.
+
+Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+egg--a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint
+of Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.
+
+MELISANDE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Extract from Hun airman's report_. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH
+FORMATION, CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A
+PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Plutocracy.
+
+    "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."--_North
+    Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than
+    butter; and in winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for
+    its sleeping place."--_Daily Mail._
+
+The cheese should however be carefully tethered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON
+GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in
+Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE.
+
+***
+
+Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises
+that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be
+permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as
+"Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz--are you--ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc.,
+etc., will no longer be allowed.
+
+***
+
+The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to
+explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is
+already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week
+obtained a divorce.
+
+***
+
+A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of
+which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very
+unlucky to be buried on a Sunday.
+
+***
+
+No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat
+with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?
+
+***
+
+A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can
+be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious
+plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise
+like a German.
+
+***
+
+The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady
+of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and
+take a note or two.
+
+***
+
+Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord
+RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features
+last week.
+
+***
+
+"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other
+day, just as if he were a High Court Judge.
+
+***
+
+An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that
+the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said
+as to how this happy idea originated.
+
+***
+
+Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held
+between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most
+suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work.
+
+***
+
+At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of
+cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed
+8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the
+story that he thought it was much larger than this.
+
+***
+
+Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the
+Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must
+have been leading a double, or even treble, life.
+
+***
+
+Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country
+by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the
+effect that "Honesty is the best policy."
+
+***
+
+In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been
+set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his
+mid-monthly lunch.
+
+***
+
+Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears
+a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major,
+it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible
+accident he had when a boy.
+
+***
+
+A correspondent in _Folk Lore_ declares that the hedgehog is, after all,
+a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any
+comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win
+on points.
+
+***
+
+Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that
+the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy
+coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial
+operations.
+
+***
+
+The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in
+parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been
+experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions
+of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they
+were confined.
+
+***
+
+"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot
+speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh."
+Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently
+like Welsh.
+
+***
+
+The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main
+difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is
+questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very
+rarely able to get as much as they can carry.
+
+***
+
+The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be
+under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as
+exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business
+from the Isle of Wight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUINED RAPTURE.
+
+  Through many a busy year of peace
+    I hoped some day, by way of beano,
+  To give myself a jaunt in Greece,
+    Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).
+  Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,
+    I'd loll within some leafy hollow
+  With Aphrodite _tete-a-tete_
+    Or barter back-chat with Apollo.
+
+  Around Olympus' foot I'd roam
+    (Not being really fond of climbing),
+  Absorb romance and carry home
+    Increased facility at rhyming;
+  Those hallowed haunts of many a god
+    That nowadays we only read of
+  Would give my Pegasus the prod
+    He not unseldom stood in need of.
+
+  That was in Peace. And then the War
+    Sent me to learn within a hutment
+  What martial duties held in store
+    And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;
+
+  Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,
+    A route-march to a wayside station,
+  With (every single soldier guessed)
+    Greece as our "unknown destination."
+
+  I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,
+    The clouds at rest upon its summit,
+  But did I thrill or long to throw
+    My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?
+  Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,
+    I only felt the body's inner
+  Cravings and said, "I 'll bet a bob
+    It's bully once again for dinner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called
+    Chartreuse, situated near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von
+    Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now in the field, and has been
+    empty since the beginning of the war."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAVE-WANGLER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"
+
+_Tommy._ "C 6."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAY FEVER.
+
+  That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!
+  What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?
+  What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?
+  There _is_ no anodyne for this disease--
+  Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;
+  But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.
+  For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!
+  Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;
+  And as for that condemned acacia-tree--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,
+  In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;
+  Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,
+  Who simply revel in the longest grasses,
+  While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Fain would I spend my summers high in air;
+  At least there are no privet-hedges there.
+  But even then I have no doubt the smell
+  From slopes celestial of asphodel
+  Would fill the firmament and give me hell--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  They tell me 'tis the man of intellect
+  The baneful seeds especially affect;
+  And I that sneeze one million times a year--
+  I ought to have a notable career,
+  Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain
+  Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,
+  Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray
+  Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,
+  And not explode in this exhausting way--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wanted, a Faith-healer.
+
+    Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and
+    wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital,
+    suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information
+    may be of some value,
+
+    Yours faithfully, ----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy,
+    with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six
+    years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_.
+
+The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ----
+    Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially
+    erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_).
+
+This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+"conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and
+Glasnevin Cemetery."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up
+    adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.
+
+    A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had
+    wooed and won her so long ago.
+
+    Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+    eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will
+finish with two black eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SAVING OF THE RACE.]
+
+["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The
+object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the
+care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will
+be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an
+added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost
+of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer,
+National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR,
+who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation
+in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the
+Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal
+with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is
+that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason
+of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the
+apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of
+freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."
+
+The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT
+HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best
+definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for
+over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse
+on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted
+to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY,
+delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty
+years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless
+pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.
+
+At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good
+Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the
+Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at
+Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the
+future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he
+asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of
+the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such
+action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly
+transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was
+hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr.
+LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent
+length and accuracy.
+
+_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids,
+and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities.
+Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as
+the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY
+would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation
+engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in
+bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved.
+
+[Illustration: THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.]
+
+After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has
+decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid
+would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr.
+CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of
+St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN
+should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact,
+declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry.
+
+[Illustration: A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.]
+
+Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the
+store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at
+Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs.
+ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have
+imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand,
+is less Besant and more Rice.
+
+Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there
+is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those
+who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL
+and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious
+grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in
+resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a
+statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person
+could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having
+deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to
+inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House
+thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority.
+
+_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that
+membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse
+for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is
+erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared
+unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER,
+may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to
+certain potential heroes.
+
+_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is
+to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects
+him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR
+represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story
+of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action
+the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no
+action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have
+been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S
+own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that
+everything in it would bear publication.
+
+Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd
+to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME
+SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without
+trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY.
+There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans.
+Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.
+
+The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the
+wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of
+listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of
+this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the
+orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights
+of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily
+endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"
+
+"YES, DEAR."
+
+"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The
+    Exile's Lament,
+      'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,
+       Where we sat side by side.'"
+    --_Canadian Courier._
+
+No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady
+DUFFERIN wrote something very like it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RESOLUTION.
+
+  I'll tell you what I mean to do
+    When these our wars shall cease to rage:
+  I'll go where Summer skies are blue
+    And Spring enjoys her heritage;
+    I shall not work for fame or wage,
+  But wear a large black silk cravat,
+    A velvet coat that's grey with age
+  Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.
+
+  I'll journey to some Tuscan town
+    And rent a palace for a song,
+  And all the walls I'll whitewash down
+    Some day when I am feeling strong;
+    And there I'll pass my days among
+  My books, and, when my reading palls
+    And Summer days are overlong,
+  I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.
+
+  The world may go her divers ways
+    The while I draw or write or smoke,
+  Happy to live laborious days
+    There among simple painter folk;
+    To wed the olive and the oak,
+  Most patiently to woo the Muse,
+    And wear a great big Tuscan cloak
+  To guard against the heavy dews.
+
+  Between the olive and the vine
+    I'll make heroic mock of Mars,
+  And drink at even golden wine
+    Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;
+    And afterwards harangue the stars
+  In little gems of fervid speech,
+    And smoke impossible cigars
+  Which cost at least three _soldi_ each.
+
+  Let more ambitious spirits spin
+    The web of life for weal or woe,
+  Whilst I above my violin
+    Shall sit and watch the vale below
+    All crimson in the afterglow;
+  And when the patient stars grow bright
+    I'll draw across the strings my bow
+  Till Chopin ushers in the night.
+
+  Such things as these I mean to do
+    When Peace once more resumes her sway;
+  To walk barefooted through the dew
+    And while the sunlit hours away,
+    If haply I may find some gay
+  Conceit to light a sombre mind,
+    As gracious as a Summer day,
+  As wayward as an April wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Legitimate Inference.
+
+    "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+    clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and
+    hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to
+    seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going
+    on."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+The authorities seem to be living up to their title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.
+
+A CONTRAST.
+
+I.
+
+My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect
+control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds
+palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the
+servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War
+came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been
+exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X.
+gone his uncomplaining way for years.
+
+But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and
+purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted
+were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a
+receding taxi.
+
+Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free.
+"Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in
+life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the
+storm should have passed.
+
+His eyes were still fixed.
+
+After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.
+
+"I could have killed that fellow," he said.
+
+"What fellow?"
+
+"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look
+at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me.
+Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they
+don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't
+believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention
+whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I
+swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I
+had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication.
+It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like
+that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number
+I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary.
+Such men--ugh!"
+
+He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.
+
+"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken
+his number!"
+
+II.
+
+The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _debris_ of
+a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away.
+The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best
+friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or
+less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of
+whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say
+how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become.
+
+One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud
+laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!"
+signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere
+with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was
+tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services,
+he was at my disposal.
+
+The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in
+the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of
+the chase.
+
+At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a
+young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise
+covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al
+Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life
+to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi
+tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the
+lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to
+go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the
+cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end
+insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and
+had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on
+elsewhere.
+
+All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be
+true? Could it?
+
+And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank
+you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally
+burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember.
+
+How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and
+look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box!
+
+III.
+
+So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones
+are more difficult to get hold of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE
+TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Caveat Emptor.
+
+    "Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet.
+    Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for
+    removal."--_The Statesman (India)._
+
+This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to
+change its spot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom.
+    This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen
+    weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._
+
+May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the
+staffs of other journals?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big
+    states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a
+    great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a
+    respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller
+    or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._
+
+Can this be TINO?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an
+    undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in
+    this connection before the House had had the opportunity of
+    discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the
+    supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will
+    now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+    dairy."--_Observer._
+
+This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LORD RHONDDA.
+
+DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and
+stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I
+cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to
+which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you
+are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the
+_Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the
+Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.
+
+Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the
+post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his
+tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an
+infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning
+them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the
+moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be
+entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to
+grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to
+their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very
+bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office
+which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is
+not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that
+the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was
+or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_
+and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these
+Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.
+
+However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S
+place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into
+the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to
+believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to
+spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is
+determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through
+thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may
+recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to
+be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for
+having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the
+task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you
+encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor
+or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you
+to give him short shrift.
+
+I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and
+faithful Servant,
+
+THE GATE OF HUMILITY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY
+MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"
+
+_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE,
+AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired
+    wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_.
+
+Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a
+sympathetic fatigue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Delirant Reges."
+
+  The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,
+  Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons
+  Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields
+  Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."
+  Perhaps; but what if he is down below?
+  In any case what we should like to know
+  Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,
+  Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits
+  Because his Emperor has lost his wits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the "Illuminate."
+
+    "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas
+    connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.
+
+First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible
+fantasy in mime--_The Magic Pipe_: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE,
+who played his own part, _Pierrot_, with a fine sincerity and a sense of
+the great tradition in this _genre_, got his effect across to us with an
+admirable directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a
+mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly sort of way (which is a very nice way),
+danced seriously, fantastically, delightfully, and with quite
+astonishing command of her technique--the sort of thing that nine
+infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been
+consoled by the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I
+have a fancy that mime would go far to restore sanity and tradition to
+the English stage, and every creditable essay in a delightful art
+deserves the fullest support.
+
+It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three
+Acts over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns
+(its theme) have no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke
+was not the really serious thing about _The Foundations_, a play that
+starts (some years hence) with a mob of starving people yelling outside
+the house--dear, stupid, kindly _Lord William Dromondy's_ house. _Lord
+William_ was a god of an infantry captain in the great War, and his four
+footmen--particularly _James_, the first of them--though revolutionaries
+at heart, are ready to stand between their master and any other
+revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the foundations
+of _Lord William's_ Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.
+
+The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited
+over. But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as
+it was, was diverting in the extreme.
+
+Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as
+black as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to
+keep our end up in the great War. But we know the customs of leopards,
+and can forgive our pessimist for his creations (for all the world as if
+he were a milliner) of _Poulder, Lord William's_ butler, rounded pillar
+of the eternal old order of things; of _James_, revolutionary but
+faithful (of course _James_ never would in fact have kept this absurd
+job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, torrentially eloquent
+plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness and the
+letting of the blood of all who were not kind.
+
+Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his
+head, as is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is
+perhaps ungracious to remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY
+PAXTON'S triumph with _Poulder_ was his admirable restraint--rarest of
+accomplishments among comic stage butlers. The effect of everything was
+heightened by this excellent economy. It was a lesson in artistic
+reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was _The Press_
+of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good deal
+more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I
+should put it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played
+piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD has made a deserved reputation as the strong
+silly ass. He sustained it--with something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S
+_James_ was a quite excellent performance, not very coherent and
+consistent in conception on the author's part, perhaps, and on that
+account all the more difficult. Miss ESME HUBBARD gave us pathos
+skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman
+turned trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite
+astonishing aptitude (or the most wonderful training) in the part of
+her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also did well with her rather
+intrusive part of _Lord William's_ daughter.
+
+_Box B_, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us
+home easy-minded to bed. _Bobby Stroud_, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty
+(oh, ever such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by
+arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was really perfectly irresistible--something
+ought to be done about it. She would have reduced the whole Flying Corps
+to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had just that air of awkward
+modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank as an
+advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl
+with all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little
+things.
+
+The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever
+so long ago.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr.
+DAWSON MILWARD) to give its views on things in general.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERE USED TO BE--
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    I know, for I've seen them there
+  In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood
+    With their heads high up in the air;
+  They scrambled about in the forest
+    And nobody seemed to mind;
+  They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)
+    And they smiled and their eyes were kind.
+
+  What, and oh what were they doing
+    To let things happen like this?
+  How could it be? And didn't they see
+    That folk were going amiss?
+  Were they too busy playing,
+    Or can they perhaps have slept,
+  That never they heard an ominous word
+    That stealthily crept and crept?
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    The children will look for them still;
+  They will search all about till the sunlight slips out
+    And the trees stand frowning and chill.
+  "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,
+    And where can the fairies be fled
+  That played in the fern?"--The flowers will return,
+    But I fear that the fairies are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Kaiser Lands in England.
+
+    "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never
+    popular. Father Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as
+    chairman of the Assessment Committee, was the most unpopular man in
+    Plymouth except one, and the other one was the Kaiser."--_Western
+    Daily Mercury_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Letter addressed to local Tribunal:--
+
+    "Dear Sirs,--The reason for my exemption has been removed and I
+    shall be glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND
+YOU CAN'T CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?--AND OF
+COURSE YOU MUST CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr.
+FIELDING-HALL'S _The Way of Peace_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of
+reader that is drawing plans in his head for a New England. No wonder
+that in these great days the impatient idealist rushes forth with his
+bag of dreams. The author of _The Soul of a People_ is extreme but
+sane--an extremist in common sense, say. He stakes on the fact of human
+solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and crookednesses of
+politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he is!);
+wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less
+ignorant; good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit
+of government and of fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as
+a plasmon-fed high-brow proposition but as the natural expression of a
+joy of life returned; a clear fount of honour; a representative House of
+Commons; justice, respect, common sense and responsibility instead of
+charity; some place other than the streets for our young men and maidens
+to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted
+against the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible
+things. Here is not the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of
+living citizenship. I commend it to all believers in new days and all
+honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a programme but as a tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do not, please, run away with the idea that _The Nursery_ (HEINEMANN)
+presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The
+background of his story, the scenes of which are laid in and around
+Colchester a year or so ago, is composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On
+these he gives a lot of information, and, as he could not be pedantic
+even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the store of knowledge
+set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing with the
+War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of _The Nursery_ I
+failed to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr.
+PHILLPOTTS usually succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his
+novels must know by this time that he is not exactly in love with _Mrs.
+Grundy_, but here he seems to be insurgent against something, and for
+the life of me I don't know quite what it is. Perhaps it is insincerity,
+which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. There is one very
+amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who defied law
+and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is _William Ambrose_, and it
+is worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM
+SMITH--the discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder
+STEVENSON, and other persons of discernment) for the romantic
+possibilities of the map. There is an excellent map in the beginning of
+Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the peculiar domain of
+childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win your
+sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the
+heart of the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of
+nursery life proclaims a genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood
+faked up for literary ends. Who that has once been young can read
+unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and Contrivances," with its
+entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during the
+providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery,
+down two flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a
+reviewer whom nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the
+possibility of this delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks
+too--Mr. SMITH has remembered them with a proper regard that is, of
+course, wholly different from that of those who understand them only in
+their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved for themselves alone,
+for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of hoarding and
+barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent
+it as betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door
+of which too many of us have long lost the key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What I found strangest in the _Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis_
+(MURRAY) is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about
+rogues, in which trickery is invariably vanquished--a refreshing
+contrast to the methods of most of our romanticists, who are given to a
+certain courtier-like attitude towards the lawbreaker. Certainly that
+various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put together a
+highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned,
+not with bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers
+in the spurious antique and the exploits of _Lord Louis_ in defeating
+them. This _Lord Louis_ is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very
+ingenious gentleman. From the rotundity of his conversational periods
+and a certain general suavity of demeanour I suspect him of having made
+a careful study of the methods of his distinguished predecessor in
+rogue-reducing, _Prince Florizel of Bohemia._ But he is, of course, none
+the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, in
+perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he--I can hardly bring myself to
+quote the passage!--he "moistened his fingers and turned over three
+pages." And this of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE!
+Having said so much, it is only fair that I should call your special
+attention to one of the stories, "The House in Bath," an exquisite
+little gem of considerably higher art than is usually associated with
+such "Exploits of the Event."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as _Home
+Truths about the War_ (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so
+often been used as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable
+statements that we have grown excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this
+account the letters that the Rev. HUGH CHAPMAN has here brought together
+would be to miss a very original and inspiring little book. Let me say
+once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and popular
+chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author)
+has deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in
+letters, can hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one
+side, and accepting these, not as the letters that would be written from
+one man to another, but rather (to speak without irreverence) such as
+the human heart might address to its Creator, you will find them full of
+interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of men and women
+are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The
+priest, the actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the
+conscientious objector, are all touched lightly, tactfully, and with a
+kindly humour that saves the book from its very obvious danger of
+becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has crystallised
+very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+towards the War--buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality
+in its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in _Early English Adventurers in the East_
+(MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at
+any rate, of the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual
+existence, but I tell myself hopefully that my ignorance of those daring
+pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as humble adventurers of the
+seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been satisfactorily
+removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of stirring
+deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And
+Mr. WRIGHT is not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but
+also on the admirable way in which he has performed it. A restrained
+style and a temperate judgment are equally at his command. I cannot
+better commend his book to Imperialists than by saying that all Little
+Englanders will detest it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On internal evidence I had set down _Root and Branch_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN),
+by R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and
+observant writer of the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page
+gives two previous novels to her pen--I still guess a woman's hand. And
+I by no means withdraw the "clever." The characterisation of the various
+members of the _Arenski_ family--the branches are better done than the
+root, old _Paul Arenski, K.C._, idealist and orator--is uncannily good.
+There's wit and humour and diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first
+book" idea was an uncertainty of method, a hesitation between the new
+realism and the older romanticism. In both moods the author is
+successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, however, is
+technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the
+book, the ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in
+killing, at her passionate request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly
+dying of a terrible disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a
+portrait enlargement)._ "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT
+SATISFIED.' I'M _NOT_ SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
+
+_The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)_ "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE
+IT, MADAM; BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL
+NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT SPECIFY _WHO_ IS TO BE SATISFIED--AND I ASSURE
+YOU I _AM_."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No.
+1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 8643.txt or 8643.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/8/6/4/8643/
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
+  www.gutenberg.org/license.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at 809
+North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887.  Email
+contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
+Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:  www.gutenberg.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/8643.zip b/8643.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6737a7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8643.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a9875d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #8643 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/8643)
diff --git a/old/7p153a10.txt b/old/7p153a10.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8968a3a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/7p153a10.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8643]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on July 29, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+Vol. 153.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Punch 1917.07.04
+
+[Illustration: VOL. CLIII]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.
+
+The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper
+spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.
+
+"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG
+himself. If it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I
+knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday.
+He'd come round that there bend a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like
+some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always
+stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.
+
+"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house,
+and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them
+as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home
+with your golf-clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I
+went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you.
+
+"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what
+couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old
+woman a-goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and
+eggs and onions--it were all just the same to little Billy.
+
+"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they
+have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair
+knocked over, and him so little and all.
+
+"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.
+
+"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me--'Grandpa,' he says,
+'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing
+to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have
+to get back to France again to see him.'
+
+"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns
+it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.
+
+"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment.
+Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here
+call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to
+the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a
+reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the
+fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the
+railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their
+locomotives and rolling stock.'
+
+"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for
+hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army
+wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think
+my Billy's in the paper."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MELTING-POT.
+
+["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection
+of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM
+THE FIRST."--_Reuter_.]
+
+    Heavy is Armageddon's price
+    And loud the call to sacrifice;
+    All stuff composed of likely metals--
+    Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles--
+  Into the War's insatiate melting-pot
+        Has to be shot.
+
+    That was a hard and bitter blow
+    When first your church-bells had to go--
+    Those saintly bells that rang carillons
+    While in the maw of happy millions
+  Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled
+        For babies killed.
+
+    It hurt your Christian hearts to melt
+    A source of faith so keenly felt;
+    And now (worse sacrilege than that) you
+    Propose to take yon regal statue,
+  That godlike effigy, and make a gun
+        Of WILLIAM ONE!
+
+    What will _He_ say when you reduce
+    His Relative to cannon-juice?
+    The prospect must be pretty rotten
+    If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten
+  Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,
+        For useful ends.
+
+    I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!
+    They're liquefying Grandpapa!
+    The nation's needs, that grow acuter,
+    Count sacred things as so much pewter;
+  Even my holy crown may go some day
+        Down the red way!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE SENEGALAIS.
+
+Samedou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+"M--A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient
+puzzling, "M--A--MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in
+one wide white grin before turning to the next syllable, "M--A--N." Once
+more the puzzled frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints
+from neighbouring beds, once more the triumph of perseverance,
+"M--A--N--MAN!" He was just enjoying his success and chanting his
+pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" when Soeur
+Antoinette paused by his bed. "Tres bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il faut
+les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one
+back to the first syllable.
+
+Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M--A--N was MAN, but
+what was M--A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that
+M--A spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M--A--N
+spelled. At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer,
+and the ward was filled with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which
+Samedou joined most happily.
+
+Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once
+turned to another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when
+she smiled back a greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked
+proudly round him at his fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we
+understand one another, she and I!"
+
+During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samedou invariably met
+the sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining
+fortitude, which might have seemed due to insensibility had not the
+staff had ample proof that his silence was the silence of a fine
+courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the hospital was in
+preparation, and when the _salle de pansements_ had to be taken the
+photographer decided that the best lay figure for his _mise-en-scene_
+would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the
+staff. So Samedou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table.
+Unfortunately the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business
+of placing things in the best light that no one realised that the poor
+Senegalese did not understand the purpose of the preparations, and when
+the English nurse was called to take up her position she noticed the
+hands of Samedou Kieta clutching the sides of the table and his black
+eyes rolling in a sea of white.
+
+She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me preter
+une photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the
+treasured groups of _la famille_. Taking one at random she returned to
+Samedou and held it before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi,
+le Major, l'infirmier."
+
+Samedou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face.
+"Y a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"
+
+When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the
+Sidi in bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff
+resorted to the usual weak method of confiscating all his clothes save a
+shirt, and hoping for the best. But one day the English nurse, going
+unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon Samedou Kieta, simply
+dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the freshly-arrived
+wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself
+out with the propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you.
+Water!" A most effectual method of disarming reproof.
+
+Poor Samedou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:--
+
+"Moi, Samedou Kieta, arrive a l'autre hopital. Y a bon. Mais moi,
+Samedou Kieta, toi pas oublie. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon.
+Y a bon. Y a bon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the
+    western front, and their losses will increase rapidly. They must
+    shorten their lives wherever possible in order to save
+    men."--_Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty
+assistance of the Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school,
+    O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish
+    perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic,
+    horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing
+    undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+
+If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will
+hear of something that will just suit him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm
+    at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what
+    some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday
+    considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts
+    are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at
+    Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists,
+    anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious
+    menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_.
+
+It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for
+the roots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.]
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN
+WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD
+WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR
+TELLIN' ON ME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABSENTEE.
+
+(_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._)
+
+  Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...
+    Since good old Russia up and revoluted
+  I have been waiting, week by weary week,
+    To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited;
+  But now I give it up; it will not come;
+  Or anyway I can no more be dumb.
+
+  Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release--
+    "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"
+  Demos superbly potting at police,
+    And actual swords getting an actual outing--
+  Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,
+  Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?
+
+  You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_!
+    Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!
+  "All that lost riot that you did not share"
+    Managed, somehow, to get along without you;
+  When Russia "went to battle for the creed"
+  GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!
+
+  CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!
+    Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"
+  "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?
+    Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.
+  Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,
+  There is no word you work so hard as "sword."
+
+  We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,
+    "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;
+  Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;
+    Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;
+  Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,
+  Running amok to "slay them in the street."
+
+  Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,
+    And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,
+  And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades
+    In "Russia's wrath"--just as you've often written;
+  Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,
+  While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.
+
+  And yet--I understand; I don't impute
+    That only in your poems do you bicker;
+  You would abstain, when people revolute,
+    No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;
+  And here we have it--here's the reason why:
+  _This was a revolution that was "dry."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Eagle's Plume.
+
+    "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+    feather."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ----, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had
+    a lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they
+    ot out than gpractically the whole house cae mdown."--_Pioneer
+    (Allahabad)_.
+
+On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have
+been more careful of the individual than of the type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ----'s, have a
+    pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this
+    modern Forum to-morrow?"--_"Callisthenes" in the evening papers,
+    June 23rd._
+
+One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June
+24th was a Sunday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the
+    Moabit Goods Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen,
+    _et cetera_, exploded, resulting in the destruction of a part of
+    Vilna and the township of Osjory near the Grodno conflagration
+    station and a basket factory at Happe."--_Ceylon Independent_.
+
+The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been
+felt even in Colombo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN AS USUAL.
+
+(_In the manner of some of our own evening papers_.)
+
+It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality
+Exhibition, where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling.
+Just before leaving, however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being
+compounded with oddments of rabbit and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma
+which I hated to leave--even for luncheon at the Fitz.
+
+AT THE FITZ.
+
+By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+_goulash_, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being
+prepared at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion
+of classes is happily illustrated in the common use of the same
+comestibles.
+
+There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in
+these war-time days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking
+remarkably well-nourished in a mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough
+hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.
+
+YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.
+
+Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia,
+yesterday, on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego.
+The story of the engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was
+returning from Peru, where she had been hunting armadillos; the ship in
+which she was travelling was wrecked in the Straits of Magellan, and she
+was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually cruising about in
+his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, but
+all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism
+and is now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a
+fine-looking man of the prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the
+crowd on leaving the church.
+
+A CHARMING CONCERT.
+
+All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti
+has decided to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her
+programme as usual reflects her catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she
+will sing not only Welsh and Cornish folk-songs, but works by
+PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young American
+composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will
+be represented.
+
+TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.
+
+The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot
+weather, when luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and
+dinner resolves itself into a cold collation in the cool of the evening,
+some refreshment between our second and third meals is indispensable. I
+accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten flour and are very
+quickly made.
+
+Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash,
+a quarter of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and
+pound the peaches to a pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir
+vigorously with a mirliton. Put into patty-pans and bake gently for
+about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About thirty cakes should
+result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+proportionately.
+
+Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+egg--a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint
+of Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.
+
+MELISANDE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Extract from Hun airman's report_. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH
+FORMATION, CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A
+PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Plutocracy.
+
+    "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."--_North
+    Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than
+    butter; and in winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for
+    its sleeping place."--_Daily Mail._
+
+The cheese should however be carefully tethered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON
+GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in
+Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE.
+
+***
+
+Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises
+that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be
+permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as
+"Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz--are you--ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc.,
+etc., will no longer be allowed.
+
+***
+
+The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to
+explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is
+already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week
+obtained a divorce.
+
+***
+
+A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of
+which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very
+unlucky to be buried on a Sunday.
+
+***
+
+No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat
+with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?
+
+***
+
+A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can
+be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious
+plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise
+like a German.
+
+***
+
+The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady
+of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and
+take a note or two.
+
+***
+
+Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord
+RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features
+last week.
+
+***
+
+"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other
+day, just as if he were a High Court Judge.
+
+***
+
+An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that
+the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said
+as to how this happy idea originated.
+
+***
+
+Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held
+between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most
+suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work.
+
+***
+
+At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of
+cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed
+8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the
+story that he thought it was much larger than this.
+
+***
+
+Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the
+Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must
+have been leading a double, or even treble, life.
+
+***
+
+Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country
+by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the
+effect that "Honesty is the best policy."
+
+***
+
+In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been
+set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his
+mid-monthly lunch.
+
+***
+
+Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears
+a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major,
+it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible
+accident he had when a boy.
+
+***
+
+A correspondent in _Folk Lore_ declares that the hedgehog is, after all,
+a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any
+comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win
+on points.
+
+***
+
+Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that
+the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy
+coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial
+operations.
+
+***
+
+The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in
+parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been
+experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions
+of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they
+were confined.
+
+***
+
+"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot
+speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh."
+Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently
+like Welsh.
+
+***
+
+The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main
+difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is
+questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very
+rarely able to get as much as they can carry.
+
+***
+
+The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be
+under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as
+exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business
+from the Isle of Wight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUINED RAPTURE.
+
+  Through many a busy year of peace
+    I hoped some day, by way of beano,
+  To give myself a jaunt in Greece,
+    Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).
+  Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,
+    I'd loll within some leafy hollow
+  With Aphrodite _tete-a-tete_
+    Or barter back-chat with Apollo.
+
+  Around Olympus' foot I'd roam
+    (Not being really fond of climbing),
+  Absorb romance and carry home
+    Increased facility at rhyming;
+  Those hallowed haunts of many a god
+    That nowadays we only read of
+  Would give my Pegasus the prod
+    He not unseldom stood in need of.
+
+  That was in Peace. And then the War
+    Sent me to learn within a hutment
+  What martial duties held in store
+    And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;
+
+  Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,
+    A route-march to a wayside station,
+  With (every single soldier guessed)
+    Greece as our "unknown destination."
+
+  I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,
+    The clouds at rest upon its summit,
+  But did I thrill or long to throw
+    My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?
+  Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,
+    I only felt the body's inner
+  Cravings and said, "I 'll bet a bob
+    It's bully once again for dinner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called
+    Chartreuse, situated near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von
+    Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now in the field, and has been
+    empty since the beginning of the war."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAVE-WANGLER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"
+
+_Tommy._ "C 6."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAY FEVER.
+
+  That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!
+  What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?
+  What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?
+  There _is_ no anodyne for this disease--
+  Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;
+  But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.
+  For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!
+  Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;
+  And as for that condemned acacia-tree--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,
+  In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;
+  Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,
+  Who simply revel in the longest grasses,
+  While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Fain would I spend my summers high in air;
+  At least there are no privet-hedges there.
+  But even then I have no doubt the smell
+  From slopes celestial of asphodel
+  Would fill the firmament and give me hell--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  They tell me 'tis the man of intellect
+  The baneful seeds especially affect;
+  And I that sneeze one million times a year--
+  I ought to have a notable career,
+  Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain
+  Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,
+  Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray
+  Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,
+  And not explode in this exhausting way--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wanted, a Faith-healer.
+
+    Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and
+    wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital,
+    suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information
+    may be of some value,
+
+    Yours faithfully, ----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy,
+    with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six
+    years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_.
+
+The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ----
+    Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially
+    erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_).
+
+This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+"conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and
+Glasnevin Cemetery."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up
+    adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.
+
+    A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had
+    wooed and won her so long ago.
+
+    Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+    eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will
+finish with two black eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SAVING OF THE RACE.]
+
+["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The
+object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the
+care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will
+be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an
+added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost
+of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer,
+National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR,
+who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation
+in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the
+Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal
+with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is
+that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason
+of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the
+apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of
+freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."
+
+The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT
+HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best
+definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for
+over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse
+on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted
+to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY,
+delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty
+years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless
+pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.
+
+At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good
+Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the
+Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at
+Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the
+future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he
+asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of
+the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such
+action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly
+transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was
+hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr.
+LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent
+length and accuracy.
+
+_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids,
+and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities.
+Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as
+the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY
+would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation
+engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in
+bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved.
+
+[Illustration: THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.]
+
+After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has
+decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid
+would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr.
+CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of
+St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN
+should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact,
+declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry.
+
+[Illustration: A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.]
+
+Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the
+store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at
+Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs.
+ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have
+imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand,
+is less Besant and more Rice.
+
+Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there
+is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those
+who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL
+and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious
+grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in
+resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a
+statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person
+could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having
+deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to
+inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House
+thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority.
+
+_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that
+membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse
+for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is
+erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared
+unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER,
+may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to
+certain potential heroes.
+
+_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is
+to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects
+him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR
+represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story
+of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action
+the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no
+action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have
+been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S
+own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that
+everything in it would bear publication.
+
+Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd
+to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME
+SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without
+trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY.
+There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans.
+Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.
+
+The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the
+wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of
+listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of
+this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the
+orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights
+of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily
+endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"
+
+"YES, DEAR."
+
+"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The
+    Exile's Lament,
+      'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,
+       Where we sat side by side.'"
+    --_Canadian Courier._
+
+No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady
+DUFFERIN wrote something very like it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RESOLUTION.
+
+  I'll tell you what I mean to do
+    When these our wars shall cease to rage:
+  I'll go where Summer skies are blue
+    And Spring enjoys her heritage;
+    I shall not work for fame or wage,
+  But wear a large black silk cravat,
+    A velvet coat that's grey with age
+  Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.
+
+  I'll journey to some Tuscan town
+    And rent a palace for a song,
+  And all the walls I'll whitewash down
+    Some day when I am feeling strong;
+    And there I'll pass my days among
+  My books, and, when my reading palls
+    And Summer days are overlong,
+  I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.
+
+  The world may go her divers ways
+    The while I draw or write or smoke,
+  Happy to live laborious days
+    There among simple painter folk;
+    To wed the olive and the oak,
+  Most patiently to woo the Muse,
+    And wear a great big Tuscan cloak
+  To guard against the heavy dews.
+
+  Between the olive and the vine
+    I'll make heroic mock of Mars,
+  And drink at even golden wine
+    Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;
+    And afterwards harangue the stars
+  In little gems of fervid speech,
+    And smoke impossible cigars
+  Which cost at least three _soldi_ each.
+
+  Let more ambitious spirits spin
+    The web of life for weal or woe,
+  Whilst I above my violin
+    Shall sit and watch the vale below
+    All crimson in the afterglow;
+  And when the patient stars grow bright
+    I'll draw across the strings my bow
+  Till Chopin ushers in the night.
+
+  Such things as these I mean to do
+    When Peace once more resumes her sway;
+  To walk barefooted through the dew
+    And while the sunlit hours away,
+    If haply I may find some gay
+  Conceit to light a sombre mind,
+    As gracious as a Summer day,
+  As wayward as an April wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Legitimate Inference.
+
+    "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+    clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and
+    hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to
+    seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going
+    on."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+The authorities seem to be living up to their title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.
+
+A CONTRAST.
+
+I.
+
+My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect
+control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds
+palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the
+servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War
+came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been
+exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X.
+gone his uncomplaining way for years.
+
+But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and
+purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted
+were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a
+receding taxi.
+
+Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free.
+"Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in
+life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the
+storm should have passed.
+
+His eyes were still fixed.
+
+After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.
+
+"I could have killed that fellow," he said.
+
+"What fellow?"
+
+"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look
+at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me.
+Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they
+don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't
+believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention
+whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I
+swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I
+had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication.
+It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like
+that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number
+I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary.
+Such men--ugh!"
+
+He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.
+
+"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken
+his number!"
+
+II.
+
+The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _debris_ of
+a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away.
+The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best
+friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or
+less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of
+whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say
+how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become.
+
+One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud
+laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!"
+signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere
+with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was
+tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services,
+he was at my disposal.
+
+The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in
+the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of
+the chase.
+
+At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a
+young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise
+covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al
+Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life
+to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi
+tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the
+lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to
+go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the
+cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end
+insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and
+had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on
+elsewhere.
+
+All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be
+true? Could it?
+
+And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank
+you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally
+burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember.
+
+How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and
+look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box!
+
+III.
+
+So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones
+are more difficult to get hold of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE
+TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Caveat Emptor.
+
+    "Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet.
+    Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for
+    removal."--_The Statesman (India)._
+
+This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to
+change its spot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom.
+    This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen
+    weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._
+
+May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the
+staffs of other journals?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big
+    states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a
+    great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a
+    respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller
+    or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._
+
+Can this be TINO?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an
+    undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in
+    this connection before the House had had the opportunity of
+    discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the
+    supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will
+    now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+    dairy."--_Observer._
+
+This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LORD RHONDDA.
+
+DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and
+stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I
+cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to
+which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you
+are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the
+_Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the
+Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.
+
+Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the
+post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his
+tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an
+infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning
+them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the
+moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be
+entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to
+grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to
+their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very
+bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office
+which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is
+not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that
+the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was
+or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_
+and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these
+Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.
+
+However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S
+place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into
+the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to
+believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to
+spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is
+determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through
+thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may
+recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to
+be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for
+having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the
+task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you
+encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor
+or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you
+to give him short shrift.
+
+I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and
+faithful Servant,
+
+THE GATE OF HUMILITY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY
+MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"
+
+_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE,
+AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired
+    wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_.
+
+Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a
+sympathetic fatigue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Delirant Reges."
+
+  The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,
+  Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons
+  Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields
+  Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."
+  Perhaps; but what if he is down below?
+  In any case what we should like to know
+  Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,
+  Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits
+  Because his Emperor has lost his wits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the "Illuminate."
+
+    "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas
+    connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.
+
+First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible
+fantasy in mime--_The Magic Pipe_: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE,
+who played his own part, _Pierrot_, with a fine sincerity and a sense of
+the great tradition in this _genre_, got his effect across to us with an
+admirable directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a
+mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly sort of way (which is a very nice way),
+danced seriously, fantastically, delightfully, and with quite
+astonishing command of her technique--the sort of thing that nine
+infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been
+consoled by the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I
+have a fancy that mime would go far to restore sanity and tradition to
+the English stage, and every creditable essay in a delightful art
+deserves the fullest support.
+
+It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three
+Acts over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns
+(its theme) have no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke
+was not the really serious thing about _The Foundations_, a play that
+starts (some years hence) with a mob of starving people yelling outside
+the house--dear, stupid, kindly _Lord William Dromondy's_ house. _Lord
+William_ was a god of an infantry captain in the great War, and his four
+footmen--particularly _James_, the first of them--though revolutionaries
+at heart, are ready to stand between their master and any other
+revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the foundations
+of _Lord William's_ Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.
+
+The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited
+over. But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as
+it was, was diverting in the extreme.
+
+Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as
+black as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to
+keep our end up in the great War. But we know the customs of leopards,
+and can forgive our pessimist for his creations (for all the world as if
+he were a milliner) of _Poulder, Lord William's_ butler, rounded pillar
+of the eternal old order of things; of _James_, revolutionary but
+faithful (of course _James_ never would in fact have kept this absurd
+job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, torrentially eloquent
+plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness and the
+letting of the blood of all who were not kind.
+
+Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his
+head, as is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is
+perhaps ungracious to remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY
+PAXTON'S triumph with _Poulder_ was his admirable restraint--rarest of
+accomplishments among comic stage butlers. The effect of everything was
+heightened by this excellent economy. It was a lesson in artistic
+reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was _The Press_
+of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good deal
+more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I
+should put it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played
+piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD has made a deserved reputation as the strong
+silly ass. He sustained it--with something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S
+_James_ was a quite excellent performance, not very coherent and
+consistent in conception on the author's part, perhaps, and on that
+account all the more difficult. Miss ESME HUBBARD gave us pathos
+skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman
+turned trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite
+astonishing aptitude (or the most wonderful training) in the part of
+her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also did well with her rather
+intrusive part of _Lord William's_ daughter.
+
+_Box B_, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us
+home easy-minded to bed. _Bobby Stroud_, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty
+(oh, ever such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by
+arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was really perfectly irresistible--something
+ought to be done about it. She would have reduced the whole Flying Corps
+to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had just that air of awkward
+modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank as an
+advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl
+with all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little
+things.
+
+The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever
+so long ago.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr.
+DAWSON MILWARD) to give its views on things in general.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERE USED TO BE--
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    I know, for I've seen them there
+  In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood
+    With their heads high up in the air;
+  They scrambled about in the forest
+    And nobody seemed to mind;
+  They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)
+    And they smiled and their eyes were kind.
+
+  What, and oh what were they doing
+    To let things happen like this?
+  How could it be? And didn't they see
+    That folk were going amiss?
+  Were they too busy playing,
+    Or can they perhaps have slept,
+  That never they heard an ominous word
+    That stealthily crept and crept?
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    The children will look for them still;
+  They will search all about till the sunlight slips out
+    And the trees stand frowning and chill.
+  "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,
+    And where can the fairies be fled
+  That played in the fern?"--The flowers will return,
+    But I fear that the fairies are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Kaiser Lands in England.
+
+    "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never
+    popular. Father Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as
+    chairman of the Assessment Committee, was the most unpopular man in
+    Plymouth except one, and the other one was the Kaiser."--_Western
+    Daily Mercury_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Letter addressed to local Tribunal:--
+
+    "Dear Sirs,--The reason for my exemption has been removed and I
+    shall be glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND
+YOU CAN'T CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?--AND OF
+COURSE YOU MUST CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr.
+FIELDING-HALL'S _The Way of Peace_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of
+reader that is drawing plans in his head for a New England. No wonder
+that in these great days the impatient idealist rushes forth with his
+bag of dreams. The author of _The Soul of a People_ is extreme but
+sane--an extremist in common sense, say. He stakes on the fact of human
+solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and crookednesses of
+politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he is!);
+wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less
+ignorant; good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit
+of government and of fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as
+a plasmon-fed high-brow proposition but as the natural expression of a
+joy of life returned; a clear fount of honour; a representative House of
+Commons; justice, respect, common sense and responsibility instead of
+charity; some place other than the streets for our young men and maidens
+to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted
+against the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible
+things. Here is not the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of
+living citizenship. I commend it to all believers in new days and all
+honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a programme but as a tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do not, please, run away with the idea that _The Nursery_ (HEINEMANN)
+presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The
+background of his story, the scenes of which are laid in and around
+Colchester a year or so ago, is composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On
+these he gives a lot of information, and, as he could not be pedantic
+even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the store of knowledge
+set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing with the
+War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of _The Nursery_ I
+failed to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr.
+PHILLPOTTS usually succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his
+novels must know by this time that he is not exactly in love with _Mrs.
+Grundy_, but here he seems to be insurgent against something, and for
+the life of me I don't know quite what it is. Perhaps it is insincerity,
+which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. There is one very
+amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who defied law
+and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is _William Ambrose_, and it
+is worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM
+SMITH--the discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder
+STEVENSON, and other persons of discernment) for the romantic
+possibilities of the map. There is an excellent map in the beginning of
+Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the peculiar domain of
+childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win your
+sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the
+heart of the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of
+nursery life proclaims a genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood
+faked up for literary ends. Who that has once been young can read
+unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and Contrivances," with its
+entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during the
+providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery,
+down two flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a
+reviewer whom nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the
+possibility of this delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks
+too--Mr. SMITH has remembered them with a proper regard that is, of
+course, wholly different from that of those who understand them only in
+their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved for themselves alone,
+for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of hoarding and
+barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent
+it as betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door
+of which too many of us have long lost the key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What I found strangest in the _Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis_
+(MURRAY) is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about
+rogues, in which trickery is invariably vanquished--a refreshing
+contrast to the methods of most of our romanticists, who are given to a
+certain courtier-like attitude towards the lawbreaker. Certainly that
+various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put together a
+highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned,
+not with bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers
+in the spurious antique and the exploits of _Lord Louis_ in defeating
+them. This _Lord Louis_ is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very
+ingenious gentleman. From the rotundity of his conversational periods
+and a certain general suavity of demeanour I suspect him of having made
+a careful study of the methods of his distinguished predecessor in
+rogue-reducing, _Prince Florizel of Bohemia._ But he is, of course, none
+the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, in
+perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he--I can hardly bring myself to
+quote the passage!--he "moistened his fingers and turned over three
+pages." And this of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE!
+Having said so much, it is only fair that I should call your special
+attention to one of the stories, "The House in Bath," an exquisite
+little gem of considerably higher art than is usually associated with
+such "Exploits of the Event."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as _Home
+Truths about the War_ (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so
+often been used as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable
+statements that we have grown excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this
+account the letters that the Rev. HUGH CHAPMAN has here brought together
+would be to miss a very original and inspiring little book. Let me say
+once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and popular
+chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author)
+has deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in
+letters, can hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one
+side, and accepting these, not as the letters that would be written from
+one man to another, but rather (to speak without irreverence) such as
+the human heart might address to its Creator, you will find them full of
+interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of men and women
+are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The
+priest, the actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the
+conscientious objector, are all touched lightly, tactfully, and with a
+kindly humour that saves the book from its very obvious danger of
+becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has crystallised
+very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+towards the War--buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality
+in its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in _Early English Adventurers in the East_
+(MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at
+any rate, of the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual
+existence, but I tell myself hopefully that my ignorance of those daring
+pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as humble adventurers of the
+seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been satisfactorily
+removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of stirring
+deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And
+Mr. WRIGHT is not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but
+also on the admirable way in which he has performed it. A restrained
+style and a temperate judgment are equally at his command. I cannot
+better commend his book to Imperialists than by saying that all Little
+Englanders will detest it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On internal evidence I had set down _Root and Branch_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN),
+by R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and
+observant writer of the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page
+gives two previous novels to her pen--I still guess a woman's hand. And
+I by no means withdraw the "clever." The characterisation of the various
+members of the _Arenski_ family--the branches are better done than the
+root, old _Paul Arenski, K.C._, idealist and orator--is uncannily good.
+There's wit and humour and diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first
+book" idea was an uncertainty of method, a hesitation between the new
+realism and the older romanticism. In both moods the author is
+successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, however, is
+technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the
+book, the ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in
+killing, at her passionate request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly
+dying of a terrible disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a
+portrait enlargement)._ "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT
+SATISFIED.' I'M _NOT_ SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
+
+_The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)_ "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE
+IT, MADAM; BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL
+NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT SPECIFY _WHO_ IS TO BE SATISFIED--AND I ASSURE
+YOU I _AM_."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No.
+1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 ***
+
+This file should be named 7p153a10.txt or 7p153a10.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p153a11.txt
+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p153a10a.txt
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+http://gutenberg.net or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print**
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+
diff --git a/old/7p153a10.zip b/old/7p153a10.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f838c16
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/7p153a10.zip
diff --git a/old/8p153a10.txt b/old/8p153a10.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1ebfd32
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8p153a10.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8643]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on July 29, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+Vol. 153.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Punch 1917.07.04
+
+[Illustration: VOL. CLIII]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.
+
+The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper
+spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.
+
+"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG
+himself. If it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I
+knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday.
+He'd come round that there bend a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like
+some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always
+stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.
+
+"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house,
+and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them
+as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home
+with your golf-clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I
+went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you.
+
+"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what
+couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old
+woman a-goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and
+eggs and onions--it were all just the same to little Billy.
+
+"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they
+have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair
+knocked over, and him so little and all.
+
+"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.
+
+"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me--'Grandpa,' he says,
+'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing
+to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have
+to get back to France again to see him.'
+
+"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns
+it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.
+
+"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment.
+Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here
+call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to
+the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a
+reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the
+fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the
+railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their
+locomotives and rolling stock.'
+
+"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for
+hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army
+wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think
+my Billy's in the paper."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MELTING-POT.
+
+["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection
+of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM
+THE FIRST."--_Reuter_.]
+
+    Heavy is Armageddon's price
+    And loud the call to sacrifice;
+    All stuff composed of likely metals--
+    Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles--
+  Into the War's insatiate melting-pot
+        Has to be shot.
+
+    That was a hard and bitter blow
+    When first your church-bells had to go--
+    Those saintly bells that rang carillons
+    While in the maw of happy millions
+  Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled
+        For babies killed.
+
+    It hurt your Christian hearts to melt
+    A source of faith so keenly felt;
+    And now (worse sacrilege than that) you
+    Propose to take yon regal statue,
+  That godlike effigy, and make a gun
+        Of WILLIAM ONE!
+
+    What will _He_ say when you reduce
+    His Relative to cannon-juice?
+    The prospect must be pretty rotten
+    If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten
+  Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,
+        For useful ends.
+
+    I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!
+    They're liquefying Grandpapa!
+    The nation's needs, that grow acuter,
+    Count sacred things as so much pewter;
+  Even my holy crown may go some day
+        Down the red way!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE SÉNÉGALAIS.
+
+Samédou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+"M--A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient
+puzzling, "M--A--MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in
+one wide white grin before turning to the next syllable, "M--A--N." Once
+more the puzzled frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints
+from neighbouring beds, once more the triumph of perseverance,
+"M--A--N--MAN!" He was just enjoying his success and chanting his
+pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" when Soeur
+Antoinette paused by his bed. "Très bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il faut
+les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one
+back to the first syllable.
+
+Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M--A--N was MAN, but
+what was M--A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that
+M--A spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M--A--N
+spelled. At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer,
+and the ward was filled with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which
+Samédou joined most happily.
+
+Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once
+turned to another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when
+she smiled back a greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked
+proudly round him at his fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we
+understand one another, she and I!"
+
+During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samédou invariably met
+the sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining
+fortitude, which might have seemed due to insensibility had not the
+staff had ample proof that his silence was the silence of a fine
+courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the hospital was in
+preparation, and when the _salle de pansements_ had to be taken the
+photographer decided that the best lay figure for his _mise-en-scène_
+would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the
+staff. So Samédou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table.
+Unfortunately the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business
+of placing things in the best light that no one realised that the poor
+Senegalese did not understand the purpose of the preparations, and when
+the English nurse was called to take up her position she noticed the
+hands of Samédou Kieta clutching the sides of the table and his black
+eyes rolling in a sea of white.
+
+She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me prêter
+une photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the
+treasured groups of _la famille_. Taking one at random she returned to
+Samédou and held it before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi,
+le Major, l'infirmier."
+
+Samédou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face.
+"Y a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"
+
+When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the
+Sidi in bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff
+resorted to the usual weak method of confiscating all his clothes save a
+shirt, and hoping for the best. But one day the English nurse, going
+unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon Samédou Kieta, simply
+dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the freshly-arrived
+wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself
+out with the propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you.
+Water!" A most effectual method of disarming reproof.
+
+Poor Samédou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:--
+
+"Moi, Samédou Kieta, arrivé à l'autre hôpital. Y a bon. Mais moi,
+Samédou Kieta, toi pas oublié. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon.
+Y a bon. Y a bon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the
+    western front, and their losses will increase rapidly. They must
+    shorten their lives wherever possible in order to save
+    men."--_Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty
+assistance of the Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school,
+    O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish
+    perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic,
+    horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing
+    undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+
+If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will
+hear of something that will just suit him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm
+    at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what
+    some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday
+    considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts
+    are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at
+    Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists,
+    anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious
+    menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_.
+
+It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for
+the roots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.]
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN
+WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD
+WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR
+TELLIN' ON ME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABSENTEE.
+
+(_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._)
+
+  Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...
+    Since good old Russia up and revoluted
+  I have been waiting, week by weary week,
+    To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited;
+  But now I give it up; it will not come;
+  Or anyway I can no more be dumb.
+
+  Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release--
+    "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"
+  Demos superbly potting at police,
+    And actual swords getting an actual outing--
+  Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,
+  Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?
+
+  You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_!
+    Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!
+  "All that lost riot that you did not share"
+    Managed, somehow, to get along without you;
+  When Russia "went to battle for the creed"
+  GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!
+
+  CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!
+    Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"
+  "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?
+    Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.
+  Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,
+  There is no word you work so hard as "sword."
+
+  We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,
+    "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;
+  Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;
+    Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;
+  Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,
+  Running amok to "slay them in the street."
+
+  Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,
+    And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,
+  And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades
+    In "Russia's wrath"--just as you've often written;
+  Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,
+  While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.
+
+  And yet--I understand; I don't impute
+    That only in your poems do you bicker;
+  You would abstain, when people revolute,
+    No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;
+  And here we have it--here's the reason why:
+  _This was a revolution that was "dry."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Eagle's Plume.
+
+    "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+    feather."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ----, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had
+    a lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they
+    ot out than gpractically the whole house cae mdown."--_Pioneer
+    (Allahabad)_.
+
+On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have
+been more careful of the individual than of the type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ----'s, have a
+    pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this
+    modern Forum to-morrow?"--_"Callisthenes" in the evening papers,
+    June 23rd._
+
+One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June
+24th was a Sunday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the
+    Moabit Goods Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen,
+    _et cetera_, exploded, resulting in the destruction of a part of
+    Vilna and the township of Osjory near the Grodno conflagration
+    station and a basket factory at Happe."--_Ceylon Independent_.
+
+The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been
+felt even in Colombo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN AS USUAL.
+
+(_In the manner of some of our own evening papers_.)
+
+It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality
+Exhibition, where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling.
+Just before leaving, however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being
+compounded with oddments of rabbit and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma
+which I hated to leave--even for luncheon at the Fitz.
+
+AT THE FITZ.
+
+By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+_goulash_, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being
+prepared at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion
+of classes is happily illustrated in the common use of the same
+comestibles.
+
+There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in
+these war-time days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking
+remarkably well-nourished in a mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough
+hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.
+
+YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.
+
+Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia,
+yesterday, on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego.
+The story of the engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was
+returning from Peru, where she had been hunting armadillos; the ship in
+which she was travelling was wrecked in the Straits of Magellan, and she
+was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually cruising about in
+his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, but
+all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism
+and is now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a
+fine-looking man of the prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the
+crowd on leaving the church.
+
+A CHARMING CONCERT.
+
+All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti
+has decided to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her
+programme as usual reflects her catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she
+will sing not only Welsh and Cornish folk-songs, but works by
+PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young American
+composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will
+be represented.
+
+TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.
+
+The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot
+weather, when luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and
+dinner resolves itself into a cold collation in the cool of the evening,
+some refreshment between our second and third meals is indispensable. I
+accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten flour and are very
+quickly made.
+
+Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash,
+a quarter of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and
+pound the peaches to a pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir
+vigorously with a mirliton. Put into patty-pans and bake gently for
+about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About thirty cakes should
+result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+proportionately.
+
+Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+egg--a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint
+of Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.
+
+MÉLISANDE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Extract from Hun airman's report_. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH
+FORMATION, CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A
+PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Plutocracy.
+
+    "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."--_North
+    Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than
+    butter; and in winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for
+    its sleeping place."--_Daily Mail._
+
+The cheese should however be carefully tethered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON
+GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in
+Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE.
+
+***
+
+Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises
+that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be
+permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as
+"Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz--are you--ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc.,
+etc., will no longer be allowed.
+
+***
+
+The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to
+explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is
+already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week
+obtained a divorce.
+
+***
+
+A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of
+which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very
+unlucky to be buried on a Sunday.
+
+***
+
+No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat
+with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?
+
+***
+
+A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can
+be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious
+plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise
+like a German.
+
+***
+
+The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady
+of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and
+take a note or two.
+
+***
+
+Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord
+RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features
+last week.
+
+***
+
+"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other
+day, just as if he were a High Court Judge.
+
+***
+
+An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that
+the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said
+as to how this happy idea originated.
+
+***
+
+Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held
+between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most
+suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work.
+
+***
+
+At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of
+cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed
+8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the
+story that he thought it was much larger than this.
+
+***
+
+Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the
+Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must
+have been leading a double, or even treble, life.
+
+***
+
+Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country
+by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the
+effect that "Honesty is the best policy."
+
+***
+
+In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been
+set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his
+mid-monthly lunch.
+
+***
+
+Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears
+a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major,
+it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible
+accident he had when a boy.
+
+***
+
+A correspondent in _Folk Lore_ declares that the hedgehog is, after all,
+a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any
+comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win
+on points.
+
+***
+
+Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that
+the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy
+coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial
+operations.
+
+***
+
+The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in
+parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been
+experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions
+of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they
+were confined.
+
+***
+
+"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot
+speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh."
+Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently
+like Welsh.
+
+***
+
+The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main
+difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is
+questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very
+rarely able to get as much as they can carry.
+
+***
+
+The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be
+under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as
+exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business
+from the Isle of Wight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUINED RAPTURE.
+
+  Through many a busy year of peace
+    I hoped some day, by way of beano,
+  To give myself a jaunt in Greece,
+    Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).
+  Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,
+    I'd loll within some leafy hollow
+  With Aphrodite _téte-a-téte_
+    Or barter back-chat with Apollo.
+
+  Around Olympus' foot I'd roam
+    (Not being really fond of climbing),
+  Absorb romance and carry home
+    Increased facility at rhyming;
+  Those hallowed haunts of many a god
+    That nowadays we only read of
+  Would give my Pegasus the prod
+    He not unseldom stood in need of.
+
+  That was in Peace. And then the War
+    Sent me to learn within a hutment
+  What martial duties held in store
+    And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;
+
+  Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,
+    A route-march to a wayside station,
+  With (every single soldier guessed)
+    Greece as our "unknown destination."
+
+  I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,
+    The clouds at rest upon its summit,
+  But did I thrill or long to throw
+    My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?
+  Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,
+    I only felt the body's inner
+  Cravings and said, "I 'll bet a bob
+    It's bully once again for dinner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called
+    Chartreuse, situated near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von
+    Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now in the field, and has been
+    empty since the beginning of the war."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAVE-WANGLER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"
+
+_Tommy._ "C 6."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAY FEVER.
+
+  That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!
+  What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?
+  What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?
+  There _is_ no anodyne for this disease--
+  Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;
+  But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.
+  For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!
+  Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;
+  And as for that condemned acacia-tree--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,
+  In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;
+  Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,
+  Who simply revel in the longest grasses,
+  While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Fain would I spend my summers high in air;
+  At least there are no privet-hedges there.
+  But even then I have no doubt the smell
+  From slopes celestial of asphodel
+  Would fill the firmament and give me hell--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  They tell me 'tis the man of intellect
+  The baneful seeds especially affect;
+  And I that sneeze one million times a year--
+  I ought to have a notable career,
+  Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+  Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain
+  Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,
+  Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray
+  Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,
+  And not explode in this exhausting way--
+          A-tish-oo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wanted, a Faith-healer.
+
+    Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and
+    wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital,
+    suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information
+    may be of some value,
+
+    Yours faithfully, ----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy,
+    with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six
+    years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_.
+
+The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ----
+    Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially
+    erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_).
+
+This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+"conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and
+Glasnevin Cemetery."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up
+    adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.
+
+    A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had
+    wooed and won her so long ago.
+
+    Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+    eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will
+finish with two black eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SAVING OF THE RACE.]
+
+["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The
+object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the
+care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will
+be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an
+added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost
+of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer,
+National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR,
+who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation
+in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the
+Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal
+with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is
+that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason
+of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the
+apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of
+freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."
+
+The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT
+HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best
+definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for
+over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse
+on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted
+to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY,
+delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty
+years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless
+pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.
+
+At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good
+Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the
+Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at
+Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the
+future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he
+asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of
+the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such
+action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly
+transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was
+hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr.
+LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent
+length and accuracy.
+
+_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids,
+and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities.
+Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as
+the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY
+would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation
+engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in
+bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved.
+
+[Illustration: THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.]
+
+After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has
+decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid
+would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr.
+CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of
+St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN
+should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact,
+declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry.
+
+[Illustration: A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.]
+
+Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the
+store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at
+Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs.
+ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have
+imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand,
+is less Besant and more Rice.
+
+Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there
+is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those
+who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL
+and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious
+grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in
+resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a
+statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person
+could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having
+deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to
+inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House
+thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority.
+
+_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that
+membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse
+for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is
+erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared
+unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER,
+may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to
+certain potential heroes.
+
+_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is
+to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects
+him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR
+represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story
+of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action
+the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no
+action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have
+been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S
+own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that
+everything in it would bear publication.
+
+Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd
+to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME
+SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without
+trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY.
+There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans.
+Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.
+
+The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the
+wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of
+listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of
+this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the
+orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights
+of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily
+endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"
+
+"YES, DEAR."
+
+"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The
+    Exile's Lament,
+      'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,
+       Where we sat side by side.'"
+    --_Canadian Courier._
+
+No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady
+DUFFERIN wrote something very like it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RESOLUTION.
+
+  I'll tell you what I mean to do
+    When these our wars shall cease to rage:
+  I'll go where Summer skies are blue
+    And Spring enjoys her heritage;
+    I shall not work for fame or wage,
+  But wear a large black silk cravat,
+    A velvet coat that's grey with age
+  Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.
+
+  I'll journey to some Tuscan town
+    And rent a palace for a song,
+  And all the walls I'll whitewash down
+    Some day when I am feeling strong;
+    And there I'll pass my days among
+  My books, and, when my reading palls
+    And Summer days are overlong,
+  I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.
+
+  The world may go her divers ways
+    The while I draw or write or smoke,
+  Happy to live laborious days
+    There among simple painter folk;
+    To wed the olive and the oak,
+  Most patiently to woo the Muse,
+    And wear a great big Tuscan cloak
+  To guard against the heavy dews.
+
+  Between the olive and the vine
+    I'll make heroic mock of Mars,
+  And drink at even golden wine
+    Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;
+    And afterwards harangue the stars
+  In little gems of fervid speech,
+    And smoke impossible cigars
+  Which cost at least three _soldi_ each.
+
+  Let more ambitious spirits spin
+    The web of life for weal or woe,
+  Whilst I above my violin
+    Shall sit and watch the vale below
+    All crimson in the afterglow;
+  And when the patient stars grow bright
+    I'll draw across the strings my bow
+  Till Chopin ushers in the night.
+
+  Such things as these I mean to do
+    When Peace once more resumes her sway;
+  To walk barefooted through the dew
+    And while the sunlit hours away,
+    If haply I may find some gay
+  Conceit to light a sombre mind,
+    As gracious as a Summer day,
+  As wayward as an April wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Legitimate Inference.
+
+    "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+    clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and
+    hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to
+    seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going
+    on."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+The authorities seem to be living up to their title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.
+
+A CONTRAST.
+
+I.
+
+My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect
+control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds
+palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the
+servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War
+came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been
+exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X.
+gone his uncomplaining way for years.
+
+But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and
+purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted
+were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a
+receding taxi.
+
+Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free.
+"Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in
+life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the
+storm should have passed.
+
+His eyes were still fixed.
+
+After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.
+
+"I could have killed that fellow," he said.
+
+"What fellow?"
+
+"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look
+at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me.
+Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they
+don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't
+believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention
+whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I
+swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I
+had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication.
+It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like
+that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number
+I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary.
+Such men--ugh!"
+
+He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.
+
+"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken
+his number!"
+
+II.
+
+The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _débris_ of
+a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away.
+The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best
+friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or
+less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of
+whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say
+how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become.
+
+One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud
+laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!"
+signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere
+with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was
+tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services,
+he was at my disposal.
+
+The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in
+the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of
+the chase.
+
+At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a
+young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise
+covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al
+Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life
+to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi
+tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the
+lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to
+go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the
+cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end
+insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and
+had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on
+elsewhere.
+
+All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be
+true? Could it?
+
+And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank
+you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally
+burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember.
+
+How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and
+look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box!
+
+III.
+
+So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones
+are more difficult to get hold of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE
+TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Caveat Emptor.
+
+    "Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet.
+    Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for
+    removal."--_The Statesman (India)._
+
+This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to
+change its spot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom.
+    This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen
+    weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._
+
+May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the
+staffs of other journals?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big
+    states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a
+    great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a
+    respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller
+    or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._
+
+Can this be TINO?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an
+    undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in
+    this connection before the House had had the opportunity of
+    discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the
+    supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will
+    now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+    dairy."--_Observer._
+
+This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LORD RHONDDA.
+
+DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and
+stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I
+cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to
+which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you
+are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the
+_Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the
+Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.
+
+Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the
+post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his
+tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an
+infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning
+them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the
+moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be
+entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to
+grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to
+their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very
+bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office
+which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is
+not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that
+the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was
+or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_
+and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these
+Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.
+
+However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S
+place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into
+the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to
+believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to
+spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is
+determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through
+thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may
+recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to
+be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for
+having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the
+task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you
+encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor
+or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you
+to give him short shrift.
+
+I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and
+faithful Servant,
+
+THE GATE OF HUMILITY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY
+MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"
+
+_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE,
+AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired
+    wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_.
+
+Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a
+sympathetic fatigue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Delirant Reges."
+
+  The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,
+  Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons
+  Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields
+  Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."
+  Perhaps; but what if he is down below?
+  In any case what we should like to know
+  Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,
+  Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits
+  Because his Emperor has lost his wits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the "Illuminate."
+
+    "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas
+    connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.
+
+First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible
+fantasy in mime--_The Magic Pipe_: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE,
+who played his own part, _Pierrot_, with a fine sincerity and a sense of
+the great tradition in this _genre_, got his effect across to us with an
+admirable directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a
+mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly sort of way (which is a very nice way),
+danced seriously, fantastically, delightfully, and with quite
+astonishing command of her technique--the sort of thing that nine
+infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been
+consoled by the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I
+have a fancy that mime would go far to restore sanity and tradition to
+the English stage, and every creditable essay in a delightful art
+deserves the fullest support.
+
+It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three
+Acts over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns
+(its theme) have no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke
+was not the really serious thing about _The Foundations_, a play that
+starts (some years hence) with a mob of starving people yelling outside
+the house--dear, stupid, kindly _Lord William Dromondy's_ house. _Lord
+William_ was a god of an infantry captain in the great War, and his four
+footmen--particularly _James_, the first of them--though revolutionaries
+at heart, are ready to stand between their master and any other
+revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the foundations
+of _Lord William's_ Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.
+
+The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited
+over. But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as
+it was, was diverting in the extreme.
+
+Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as
+black as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to
+keep our end up in the great War. But we know the customs of leopards,
+and can forgive our pessimist for his creations (for all the world as if
+he were a milliner) of _Poulder, Lord William's_ butler, rounded pillar
+of the eternal old order of things; of _James_, revolutionary but
+faithful (of course _James_ never would in fact have kept this absurd
+job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, torrentially eloquent
+plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness and the
+letting of the blood of all who were not kind.
+
+Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his
+head, as is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is
+perhaps ungracious to remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY
+PAXTON'S triumph with _Poulder_ was his admirable restraint--rarest of
+accomplishments among comic stage butlers. The effect of everything was
+heightened by this excellent economy. It was a lesson in artistic
+reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was _The Press_
+of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good deal
+more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I
+should put it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played
+piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD has made a deserved reputation as the strong
+silly ass. He sustained it--with something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S
+_James_ was a quite excellent performance, not very coherent and
+consistent in conception on the author's part, perhaps, and on that
+account all the more difficult. Miss ESMÉ HUBBARD gave us pathos
+skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman
+turned trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite
+astonishing aptitude (or the most wonderful training) in the part of
+her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also did well with her rather
+intrusive part of _Lord William's_ daughter.
+
+_Box B_, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us
+home easy-minded to bed. _Bobby Stroud_, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty
+(oh, ever such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by
+arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was really perfectly irresistible--something
+ought to be done about it. She would have reduced the whole Flying Corps
+to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had just that air of awkward
+modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank as an
+advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl
+with all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little
+things.
+
+The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever
+so long ago.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr.
+DAWSON MILWARD) to give its views on things in general.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERE USED TO BE--
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    I know, for I've seen them there
+  In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood
+    With their heads high up in the air;
+  They scrambled about in the forest
+    And nobody seemed to mind;
+  They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)
+    And they smiled and their eyes were kind.
+
+  What, and oh what were they doing
+    To let things happen like this?
+  How could it be? And didn't they see
+    That folk were going amiss?
+  Were they too busy playing,
+    Or can they perhaps have slept,
+  That never they heard an ominous word
+    That stealthily crept and crept?
+
+  There used to be fairies in Germany--
+    The children will look for them still;
+  They will search all about till the sunlight slips out
+    And the trees stand frowning and chill.
+  "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,
+    And where can the fairies be fled
+  That played in the fern?"--The flowers will return,
+    But I fear that the fairies are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Kaiser Lands in England.
+
+    "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never
+    popular. Father Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as
+    chairman of the Assessment Committee, was the most unpopular man in
+    Plymouth except one, and the other one was the Kaiser."--_Western
+    Daily Mercury_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Letter addressed to local Tribunal:--
+
+    "Dear Sirs,--The reason for my exemption has been removed and I
+    shall be glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND
+YOU CAN'T CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?--AND OF
+COURSE YOU MUST CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr.
+FIELDING-HALL'S _The Way of Peace_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of
+reader that is drawing plans in his head for a New England. No wonder
+that in these great days the impatient idealist rushes forth with his
+bag of dreams. The author of _The Soul of a People_ is extreme but
+sane--an extremist in common sense, say. He stakes on the fact of human
+solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and crookednesses of
+politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he is!);
+wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less
+ignorant; good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit
+of government and of fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as
+a plasmon-fed high-brow proposition but as the natural expression of a
+joy of life returned; a clear fount of honour; a representative House of
+Commons; justice, respect, common sense and responsibility instead of
+charity; some place other than the streets for our young men and maidens
+to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted
+against the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible
+things. Here is not the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of
+living citizenship. I commend it to all believers in new days and all
+honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a programme but as a tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do not, please, run away with the idea that _The Nursery_ (HEINEMANN)
+presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The
+background of his story, the scenes of which are laid in and around
+Colchester a year or so ago, is composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On
+these he gives a lot of information, and, as he could not be pedantic
+even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the store of knowledge
+set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing with the
+War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of _The Nursery_ I
+failed to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr.
+PHILLPOTTS usually succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his
+novels must know by this time that he is not exactly in love with _Mrs.
+Grundy_, but here he seems to be insurgent against something, and for
+the life of me I don't know quite what it is. Perhaps it is insincerity,
+which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. There is one very
+amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who defied law
+and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is _William Ambrose_, and it
+is worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM
+SMITH--the discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder
+STEVENSON, and other persons of discernment) for the romantic
+possibilities of the map. There is an excellent map in the beginning of
+Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the peculiar domain of
+childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win your
+sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the
+heart of the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of
+nursery life proclaims a genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood
+faked up for literary ends. Who that has once been young can read
+unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and Contrivances," with its
+entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during the
+providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery,
+down two flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a
+reviewer whom nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the
+possibility of this delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks
+too--Mr. SMITH has remembered them with a proper regard that is, of
+course, wholly different from that of those who understand them only in
+their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved for themselves alone,
+for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of hoarding and
+barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent
+it as betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door
+of which too many of us have long lost the key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What I found strangest in the _Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis_
+(MURRAY) is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about
+rogues, in which trickery is invariably vanquished--a refreshing
+contrast to the methods of most of our romanticists, who are given to a
+certain courtier-like attitude towards the lawbreaker. Certainly that
+various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put together a
+highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned,
+not with bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers
+in the spurious antique and the exploits of _Lord Louis_ in defeating
+them. This _Lord Louis_ is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very
+ingenious gentleman. From the rotundity of his conversational periods
+and a certain general suavity of demeanour I suspect him of having made
+a careful study of the methods of his distinguished predecessor in
+rogue-reducing, _Prince Florizel of Bohemia._ But he is, of course, none
+the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, in
+perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he--I can hardly bring myself to
+quote the passage!--he "moistened his fingers and turned over three
+pages." And this of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE!
+Having said so much, it is only fair that I should call your special
+attention to one of the stories, "The House in Bath," an exquisite
+little gem of considerably higher art than is usually associated with
+such "Exploits of the Event."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as _Home
+Truths about the War_ (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so
+often been used as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable
+statements that we have grown excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this
+account the letters that the Rev. HUGH CHAPMAN has here brought together
+would be to miss a very original and inspiring little book. Let me say
+once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and popular
+chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author)
+has deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in
+letters, can hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one
+side, and accepting these, not as the letters that would be written from
+one man to another, but rather (to speak without irreverence) such as
+the human heart might address to its Creator, you will find them full of
+interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of men and women
+are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The
+priest, the actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the
+conscientious objector, are all touched lightly, tactfully, and with a
+kindly humour that saves the book from its very obvious danger of
+becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has crystallised
+very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+towards the War--buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality
+in its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in _Early English Adventurers in the East_
+(MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at
+any rate, of the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual
+existence, but I tell myself hopefully that my ignorance of those daring
+pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as humble adventurers of the
+seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been satisfactorily
+removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of stirring
+deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And
+Mr. WRIGHT is not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but
+also on the admirable way in which he has performed it. A restrained
+style and a temperate judgment are equally at his command. I cannot
+better commend his book to Imperialists than by saying that all Little
+Englanders will detest it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On internal evidence I had set down _Root and Branch_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN),
+by R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and
+observant writer of the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page
+gives two previous novels to her pen--I still guess a woman's hand. And
+I by no means withdraw the "clever." The characterisation of the various
+members of the _Arenski_ family--the branches are better done than the
+root, old _Paul Arenski, K.C._, idealist and orator--is uncannily good.
+There's wit and humour and diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first
+book" idea was an uncertainty of method, a hesitation between the new
+realism and the older romanticism. In both moods the author is
+successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, however, is
+technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the
+book, the ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in
+killing, at her passionate request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly
+dying of a terrible disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a
+portrait enlargement)._ "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT
+SATISFIED.' I'M _NOT_ SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
+
+_The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)_ "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE
+IT, MADAM; BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL
+NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT SPECIFY _WHO_ IS TO BE SATISFIED--AND I ASSURE
+YOU I _AM_."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153,
+Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 ***
+
+This file should be named 8p153a10.txt or 8p153a10.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p153a11.txt
+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p153a10a.txt
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+http://gutenberg.net or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print**
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+
diff --git a/old/8p153a10.zip b/old/8p153a10.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5fb959d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8p153a10.zip
diff --git a/old/8p153a10h.html b/old/8p153a10h.html
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3809afe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8p153a10h.html
@@ -0,0 +1,1840 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch 1917.07.04</title>
+
+    <style type="text/css">
+      <!--
+      body              {margin-left: 10%; 
+                         margin-right: 10%;}
+      p                 {text-align: justify;}
+      h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;}
+      hr                {width: 50%;}
+      hr.small          {width: 10%;}
+      p.figure          {margin-left: 5%;
+                         margin-right: 5%;
+                         text-align: center;
+                         font-size: 0.8em;}
+      p.figure img      {border: none;}
+      pre.pglegal       {font-size: 0.7em;
+                         background-color: #F0F0F0;
+                         color: black;}
+      -->
+    </style>
+  </head>
+
+  <body>
+<pre class="pglegal">
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8643]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on July 29, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153, NO. 1 ***
+
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>Vol. 153.</h1>
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/001-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001-1.png"
+    alt="Vol. 153." /></a></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h1>Punch 1917.07.04</h1>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/003-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/003-1.png"
+    alt="VOL. CLIII." /></a></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.</h2>
+
+    <p>The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper spread across
+    his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.</p>
+
+    <p>"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG himself. If
+    it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I knowed him ever since I
+    come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday. He'd come round that there bend
+    a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I
+    am again;' and he'd always stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.</p>
+
+    <p>"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house, and he'd
+    just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them as perlite as any
+    gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home with your golf-clubs after two
+    rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling
+    you.</p>
+
+    <p>"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what couldn't carry
+    the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old woman a-goin' back from
+    market with all her cabbages and live ducks and eggs and onions&mdash;it were all
+    just the same to little Billy.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they have took
+    Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair knocked over, and him so
+    little and all.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me&mdash;'Grandpa,' he says, 'I've
+    been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing to hear him whistle
+    again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have to get back to France again to
+    see him.'</p>
+
+    <p>"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns it's my
+    belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.</p>
+
+    <p>"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment. Ain't I
+    been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here call the little train
+    what used to run six times a day from the town to the links. Just see what the paper
+    says, Sir. I don't be much of a reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on
+    record here the fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
+    would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the railway
+    companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their locomotives and rolling
+    stock.'</p>
+
+    <p>"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for hundreds an'
+    hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army wanted him, and we've been
+    and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think my Billy's in the paper."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MELTING-POT.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      ["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection of metal
+      which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM THE
+      FIRST."&mdash;<i>Reuter</i>.]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Heavy is Armageddon's price<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;And loud the call to sacrifice;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;All stuff composed of likely metals&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles&mdash;<br />
+      Into the War's insatiate melting-pot<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Has to be shot.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;That was a hard and bitter blow<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;When first your church-bells had to go&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Those saintly bells that rang carillons<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;While in the maw of happy millions<br />
+      Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For babies killed.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;It hurt your Christian hearts to melt<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;A source of faith so keenly felt;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;And now (worse sacrilege than that) you<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Propose to take yon regal statue,<br />
+      That godlike effigy, and make a gun<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Of WILLIAM ONE!<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;What will <i>He</i> say when you reduce<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;His Relative to cannon-juice?<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;The prospect must be pretty rotten<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten<br />
+      Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For useful ends.<br />
+      <br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;They're liquefying Grandpapa!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;The nation's needs, that grow acuter,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;Count sacred things as so much pewter;<br />
+      Even my holy crown may go some day<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Down the red way!"<br />
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LE S&Eacute;N&Eacute;GALAIS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Sam&eacute;dou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him.
+    "M&mdash;A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient puzzling,
+    "M&mdash;A&mdash;MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in one wide white
+    grin before turning to the next syllable, "M&mdash;A&mdash;N." Once more the puzzled
+    frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints from neighbouring beds, once
+    more the triumph of perseverance, "M&mdash;A&mdash;N&mdash;MAN!" He was just enjoying
+    his success and chanting his pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!"
+    when Soeur Antoinette paused by his bed. "Tr&egrave;s bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il
+    faut les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one back to
+    the first syllable.</p>
+
+    <p>Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M&mdash;A&mdash;N was MAN, but
+    what was M&mdash;A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that M&mdash;A
+    spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M&mdash;A&mdash;N spelled.
+    At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer, and the ward was filled
+    with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which Sam&eacute;dou joined most happily.</p>
+
+    <p>Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once turned to
+    another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when she smiled back a
+    greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked proudly round him at his
+    fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we understand one another, she and
+    I!"</p>
+
+    <p>During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Sam&eacute;dou invariably met the
+    sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining fortitude, which might
+    have seemed due to insensibility had not the staff had ample proof that his silence
+    was the silence of a fine courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the
+    hospital was in preparation, and when the <i>salle de pansements</i> had to be taken
+    the photographer decided that the best lay figure for his <i>mise-en-sc&egrave;ne</i>
+    would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the staff. So
+    Sam&eacute;dou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table. Unfortunately
+    the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business of placing things in the
+    best light that no one realised that the poor Senegalese did not understand the
+    purpose of the preparations, and when the English nurse was called to take up her
+    position she noticed the hands of Sam&eacute;dou Kieta clutching the sides of the
+    table and his black eyes rolling in a sea of white.</p>
+
+    <p>She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me pr&ecirc;ter une
+    photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the treasured groups of
+    <i>la famille</i>. Taking one at random she returned to Sam&eacute;dou and held it
+    before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi, le Major, l'infirmier."</p>
+
+    <p>Sam&eacute;dou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face. "Y
+    a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"</p>
+
+    <p>When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the Sidi in
+    bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff resorted to the usual weak
+    method of confiscating all his clothes save a shirt, and hoping for the best. But one
+    day the English nurse, going unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon
+    Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, simply dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the
+    freshly-arrived wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified
+    exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself out with the
+    propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you. Water!" A most effectual
+    method of disarming reproof.</p>
+
+    <p>Poor Sam&eacute;dou has since passed on to another hospital for electric
+    treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Moi, Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, arriv&eacute; &agrave; l'autre h&ocirc;pital. Y a bon.
+    Mais moi, Sam&eacute;dou Kieta, toi pas oubli&eacute;. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux
+    galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon. Y a bon. Y a
+    bon."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the western front, and
+      their losses will increase rapidly. They must shorten their lives wherever possible
+      in order to save men."&mdash;<i>Ceylon Morning Leader.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty assistance of
+    the Allies.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school, O.T.C., Varsity
+      education, speaks English, French, Spanish perfectly, engineering training,
+      efficient car driver and mechanic, horseman, is open to any sporting job connected
+      with war; willing undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will hear of
+    something that will just suit him.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm at the invasion
+      of a great part of their beautiful country by what some of them describe as a
+      plague of locusts, and yesterday considerable numbers of people visited the
+      district where the hosts are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester
+      alighted at Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists, anxious
+      to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious menace to the field and
+      garden crops."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for the roots.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE NATION DEMANDS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/005-1.png"><img src="images/005-1.png" width="100%"
+    alt="THE NATION DEMANDS." /></a><br />
+    MR. PUNCH (<i>to the PRIME MINISTER</i>}. "IF YOU <i>MUST</i> HAVE DIRTY LINEN WASHED
+    IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/006-1.png"><img src="images/006-1.png" width="100%"
+    alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+    <i>Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)</i>. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD WHEN
+    PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR TELLIN' ON ME."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ABSENTEE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Since good old Russia up and revoluted<br />
+      I have been waiting, week by weary week,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; To hear the news&mdash;the obvious item&mdash;bruited;<br />
+      But now I give it up; it will not come;<br />
+      Or anyway I can no more be dumb.<br />
+      <br />
+      Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release&mdash;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"<br />
+      Demos superbly potting at police,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And actual swords getting an actual outing&mdash;<br />
+      Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,<br />
+      Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?<br />
+      <br />
+      You were not there! Damme, you were not <i>there</i>!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!<br />
+      "All that lost riot that you did not share"<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Managed, somehow, to get along without you;<br />
+      When Russia "went to battle for the creed"<br />
+      GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!<br />
+      <br />
+      CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"<br />
+      "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.<br />
+      Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,<br />
+      There is no word you work so hard as "sword."<br />
+      <br />
+      We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;<br />
+      Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;<br />
+      Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,<br />
+      Running amok to "slay them in the street."<br />
+      <br />
+      Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,<br />
+      And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; In "Russia's wrath"&mdash;just as you've often written;<br />
+      Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,<br />
+      While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.<br />
+      <br />
+      And yet&mdash;I understand; I don't impute<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; That only in your poems do you bicker;<br />
+      You would abstain, when people revolute,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;<br />
+      And here we have it&mdash;here's the reason why:<br />
+      <i>This was a revolution that was "dry."</i><br />
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Eagle's Plume.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her
+      feather."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Mr., Mrs. and Miss &mdash;&mdash;, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had a
+      lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they ot out than
+      gpractically the whole house cae mdown."&mdash;<i>Pioneer (Allahabad)</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have been more
+    careful of the individual than of the type.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited &mdash;&mdash;'s, have a
+      pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this modern Forum
+      to-morrow?"&mdash;<i>"Callisthenes" in the evening papers, June 23rd.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June 24th was a
+    Sunday.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the Moabit Goods
+      Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen, <i>et cetera</i>, exploded,
+      resulting in the destruction of a part of Vilna and the township of Osjory near the
+      Grodno conflagration station and a basket factory at Happe."&mdash;<i>Ceylon
+      Independent</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been felt even in
+    Colombo.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WOMAN AS USUAL.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>In the manner of some of our own evening papers</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <p>It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality Exhibition,
+    where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling. Just before leaving,
+    however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being compounded with oddments of rabbit
+    and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma which I hated to leave&mdash;even for luncheon
+    at the Fitz.</p>
+
+    <h4>AT THE FITZ.</h4>
+
+    <p>By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit
+    <i>goulash</i>, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being prepared
+    at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion of classes is happily
+    illustrated in the common use of the same comestibles.</p>
+
+    <p>There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in these war-time
+    days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking remarkably well-nourished in a
+    mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett
+    and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.</p>
+
+    <h4>YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.</h4>
+
+    <p>Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia, yesterday,
+    on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego. The story of the
+    engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was returning from Peru, where she had
+    been hunting armadillos; the ship in which she was travelling was wrecked in the
+    Straits of Magellan, and she was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually
+    cruising about in his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match,
+    but all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism and is
+    now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a fine-looking man of the
+    prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the crowd on leaving the church.</p>
+
+    <h4>A CHARMING CONCERT.</h4>
+
+    <p>All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti has decided
+    to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her programme as usual reflects her
+    catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she will sing not only Welsh and Cornish
+    folk-songs, but works by PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young
+    American composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will be
+    represented.</p>
+
+    <h4>TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.</h4>
+
+    <p>The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot weather, when
+    luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and dinner resolves itself into
+    a cold collation in the cool of the evening, some refreshment between our second and
+    third meals is indispensable. I accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten
+    flour and are very quickly made.</p>
+
+    <p>Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash, a quarter
+    of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and pound the peaches to a
+    pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir vigorously with a mirliton. Put into
+    patty-pans and bake gently for about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About
+    thirty cakes should result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients
+    proportionately.</p>
+
+    <p>Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large
+    egg&mdash;a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint of
+    Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.</p>
+
+    <p>M&Eacute;LISANDE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="figure"><a href="images/007-1.png"><img src="images/007-1.png" width="66%"
+    alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+    <i>Extract from Hun airman's report</i>. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH FORMATION,
+    CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The New Plutocracy.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."&mdash;<i>North Star.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+      "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than butter; and in
+      winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for its sleeping
+      place."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The cheese should however be carefully tethered.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON GERLACH, was
+    effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in Europe." Another slight
+    for LITTLE WILLIE.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises that "the
+    use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be permitted." Abbreviations
+    now dear to the London subscriber, such as "Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz&mdash;are
+    you&mdash;ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc., etc., will no longer be allowed.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to explain
+    their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is already manifesting
+    itself in New York and elsewhere.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week obtained a
+    divorce.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of which are
+    pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very unlucky to be buried on a
+    Sunday.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat with a fur
+    coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can be kept at a
+    distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious plants. There is also much to be
+    said for the plan of making a noise like a German.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady of
+    Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and take a note or
+    two.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord RHONDDA on
+    Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features last week.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other day, just
+    as if he were a High Court Judge.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that the guests
+    left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said as to how this happy idea
+    originated.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held between
+    Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most suitable time for
+    business men who are assisting America in war-work.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of cheese was
+    alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed 8,173,639
+    hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the story that he thought it
+    was much larger than this.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the Wye. As the
+    fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must have been leading a double,
+    or even treble, life.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country by a
+    recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the effect that "Honesty is
+    the best policy."</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been set by the
+    python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his mid-monthly lunch.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears a
+    remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major, it appears,
+    explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible accident he had when a
+    boy.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>A correspondent in <i>Folk Lore</i> declares that the hedgehog is, after all, a
+    very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any comparison with other
+    animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win on points.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that the War has
+    only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy coincidence that their entry
+    into the War synchronises with the initial operations.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in parcels
+    to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been experienced, it is pointed
+    out, in securing prompt delivery of portions of uncooked eggs that may have escaped
+    from the parcels in which they were confined.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot speak a
+    word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh." Probably the
+    platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently like Welsh.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main difficulties
+    in connection with the beer supply. This however is questioned by many patriotic
+    consumers, who affirm that they are very rarely able to get as much as they can
+    carry.</p>
+    <hr class="small" />
+
+    <p>The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be under
+    consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as exposed in the
+    Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business from the Isle of Wight.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RUINED RAPTURE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+      Through many a busy year of peace<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp;I hoped some day, by way of beano,<br />
+      To give myself a jaunt in Greece,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).<br />
+      Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; I'd loll within some leafy hollow<br />
+      With Aphrodite <i>t&eacute;te-a-t&eacute;te</i><br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Or barter back-chat with Apollo.<br />
+      <br />
+      Around Olympus' foot I'd roam<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; (Not being really fond of climbing),<br />
+      Absorb romance and carry home<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Increased facility at rhyming;<br />
+      Those hallowed haunts of many a god<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; That nowadays we only read of<br />
+      Would give my Pegasus the prod<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; He not unseldom stood in need of.<br />
+      <br />
+      That was in Peace. And then the War<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Sent me to learn within a hutment<br />
+      What martial duties held in store<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;<br />
+      <br />
+      Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; A route-march to a wayside station,<br />
+      With (every single soldier guessed)<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; Greece as our "unknown destination."<br />
+      <br />
+      I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; The clouds at rest upon its summit,<br />
+      But did I thrill or long to throw<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?<br />
+      Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; I only felt the body's inner<br />
+      Cravings and said, "I'll bet a bob<br />
+      &nbsp;&nbsp; It's bully once again for dinner."<br />
+    </blockquote>       
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called Chartreuse, situated
+        near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now
+        in the field, and has been empty since the beginning of the
+        war."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE LEAVE-WANGLER.</h2>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/009-1.png"><img src="images/009-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="THE LEAVE-WANGLER." /></a></p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/010-1.png"><img src="images/010-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Father.</i> "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"<br />
+      <i>Tommy.</i> "C 6."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>HAY FEVER.</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!<br />
+        What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?<br />
+        What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?<br />
+        There <i>is</i> no anodyne for this disease&mdash;<br />
+        Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;<br />
+        But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.<br />
+        For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!<br />
+        Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;<br />
+        And as for that condemned acacia-tree&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,<br />
+        In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;<br />
+        Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,<br />
+        Who simply revel in the longest grasses,<br />
+        While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Fain would I spend my summers high in air;<br />
+        At least there are no privet-hedges there.<br />
+        But even then I have no doubt the smell<br />
+        From slopes celestial of asphodel<br />
+        Would fill the firmament and give me hell&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        They tell me 'tis the man of intellect<br />
+        The baneful seeds especially affect;<br />
+        And I that sneeze one million times a year&mdash;<br />
+        I ought to have a notable career,<br />
+        Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+        <br />
+        Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain<br />
+        Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,<br />
+        Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray<br />
+        Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,<br />
+        And not explode in this exhausting way&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A-tish-oo!<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>Wanted, a Faith-healer.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        <p>Dear Madam,&mdash;We have received your enquiry for Sergeant &mdash;&mdash;,
+        and wish to inform you that he was transferred to &mdash;&mdash; Hospital,
+        suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information may be of some
+        value,</p>
+
+        <p>Yours faithfully, &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy, with all his
+        Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six years, will be able to bruise
+        the serpent's heel."&mdash;<i>Observer</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "MARRIAGES.&mdash;All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors &mdash;&mdash;
+        Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially erected for the
+        purpose."&mdash;<i>The Age</i> (<i>Melbourne</i>).
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin,
+      "conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and Glasnevin
+      Cemetery."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        <p>"Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up adoringly into
+        his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.</p>
+
+        <p>A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had wooed and
+        won her so long ago.</p>
+
+        <p>Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey
+        eyes."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening Chronicle</i>.</p>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will finish with
+      two black eyes.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE SAVING OF THE RACE.</h2>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/011-1.png"><img src="images/011-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="THE SAVING OF THE RACE." /></a><br />
+      ["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The object of
+      the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the care of their
+      children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will be felt for a cause to
+      which our heavy losses in the War have given an added urgency. Those who desire to
+      give practical help towards the cost of the scheme will kindly address their gifts
+      to the Hon. Treasurer, National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street,
+      W.I.]</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+      <p><i>Monday, June 25th</i>.&mdash;Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of
+      Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR, who politely
+      represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation in Greece, and actually
+      declared to-day that the difficulties of the Allies would only be increased by the
+      hon. Member's attempts to deal with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done
+      with, however. "Is that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by
+      reason of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the apologist
+      of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of freewill and
+      necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."</p>
+
+      <p>The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE,
+      whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best definition of infinity," have
+      been, at intervals, its pride and joy for over thirty years. But it will have to
+      wait a while, for&mdash;strange lapse on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen
+      contests!&mdash;Sir ROBERT had omitted to bring with him the returning-officer's
+      certificate. Lord HALSBURY, delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance
+      in the House forty years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly
+      endless pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.</p>
+
+      <p>At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good Nationalists
+      would remain in their country, doing their best to make the Convention a success.
+      Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at Westminster, because it proposes to
+      set up a Conference to consider the future composition and powers of the Second
+      Chamber. Was it not, he asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express
+      consent of the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his
+      questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such action was
+      distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly transported to the dear dead
+      days before the War, when he was hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER,
+      considers that Mr. LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such
+      indecent length and accuracy.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Tuesday, June 26th</i>.&mdash;A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord
+      STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids, and
+      advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities. Had his appeal
+      been successful he would have been recorded in history as the mildest-mannered man
+      that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY would have none of it. British
+      aeroplanes&mdash;of which, like every nation engaged in the War, we have none too
+      many&mdash;shall only be employed in bombing when some distinctly military object
+      is to be achieved.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-1.png"><img src="images/012-1.png"
+      width="50%" alt="THE RIVALS." /></a><br />
+      THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.</p>
+
+      <p>After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has decided
+      that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid would tend to do more
+      harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (<i>teste</i> Mr. CATHCART WASON) has announced
+      that he will not ring the great bell of St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while
+      regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN should be deprived of a health-giving exercise,
+      had, as a point of fact, declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their
+      belfry.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-2.png"><img src="images/012-2.png"
+      width="33%" alt="A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE." /></a><br />
+      A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.</p>
+
+      <p>Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the store of
+      commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at Gallipoli. Otherwise
+      he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs. ANNIE BESANT, upon whose
+      activities the Government of Madras have imposed certain salutary restrictions.
+      What India wants, I understand, is less Besant and more Rice.</p>
+
+      <p>Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there is
+      logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those who have
+      refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and others, but,
+      apart from the objections urged on high religious grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the
+      Government was probably right in resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake
+      in ever giving a statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that
+      person could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's
+      lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having deliberately
+      provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to inflict a penalty upon
+      those who creep through it. And so the House thought, for it rejected the proposal
+      by a two-to-one majority.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Wednesday, June 27th</i>.&mdash;There is a general impression that membership
+      of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse for the avoidance of
+      military service. This, it appears, is erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a
+      Medical Board has declared unfit for general service; and even these, according to
+      Mr. FORSTER, may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to certain
+      potential heroes.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Thursday, June 28th</i>.&mdash;Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment
+      is to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects him of
+      concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR represses impertinent
+      curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir
+      G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr.
+      BALFOUR proposed to take no action. The letter was a private communication, which
+      would never have been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr.
+      KING'S own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that everything in
+      it would bear publication.</p>
+
+      <p>Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his
+      letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd to one
+      TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME SECRETARY be more
+      careful, please, about interning alien friends without trial? Sir George Cave was
+      sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY. There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been
+      interned&mdash;by the Germans. Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.</p>
+
+      <p>The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the wonderful
+      work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of listening to ADDISON on
+      Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of this combination was quite so
+      sparkling as it should have been, for the orator stuck closely to his manuscript
+      and allowed himself few flights of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and
+      the House readily endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and
+      Messines.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/013-1.png"><img src="images/013-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      "DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"<br />
+      "YES, DEAR."<br />
+      "BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The Exile's Lament, 
+
+        <blockquote>
+          'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,<br />
+          Where we sat side by side.'"
+        </blockquote>
+        &mdash;<i>Canadian Courier.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady DUFFERIN
+      wrote something very like it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>A RESOLUTION.</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        I'll tell you what I mean to do<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; When these our wars shall cease to rage:<br />
+        I'll go where Summer skies are blue<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And Spring enjoys her heritage;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I shall not work for fame or wage,<br />
+        But wear a large black silk cravat,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; A velvet coat that's grey with age<br />
+        Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.<br />
+        <br />
+        I'll journey to some Tuscan town<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And rent a palace for a song,<br />
+        And all the walls I'll whitewash down<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Some day when I am feeling strong;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And there I'll pass my days among<br />
+        My books, and, when my reading palls<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And Summer days are overlong,<br />
+        I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.<br />
+        <br />
+        The world may go her divers ways<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The while I draw or write or smoke,<br />
+        Happy to live laborious days<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; There among simple painter folk;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; To wed the olive and the oak,<br />
+        Most patiently to woo the Muse,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And wear a great big Tuscan cloak<br />
+        To guard against the heavy dews.<br />
+        <br />
+        Between the olive and the vine<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I'll make heroic mock of Mars,<br />
+        And drink at even golden wine<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And afterwards harangue the stars<br />
+        In little gems of fervid speech,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And smoke impossible cigars<br />
+        Which cost at least three <i>soldi</i> each.<br />
+        <br />
+        Let more ambitious spirits spin<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The web of life for weal or woe,<br />
+        Whilst I above my violin<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Shall sit and watch the vale below<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; All crimson in the afterglow;<br />
+        And when the patient stars grow bright<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I'll draw across the strings my bow<br />
+        Till Chopin ushers in the night.<br />
+        <br />
+        Such things as these I mean to do<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; When Peace once more resumes her sway;<br />
+        To walk barefooted through the dew<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And while the sunlit hours away,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; If haply I may find some gay<br />
+        Conceit to light a sombre mind,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; As gracious as a Summer day,<br />
+        As wayward as an April wind.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>A Legitimate Inference.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property
+        clergyman."&mdash;<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and hand them to the
+        Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to seize the materials stolen.
+        Enquiry is still going on."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>The authorities seem to be living up to their title.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.</h2>
+
+      <h3>A CONTRAST.</h3>
+
+      <h4>I.</h4>
+      My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect control;
+      and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds palliations and makes
+      allowances for all those defections in the servants of the public which goad men to
+      fury and which, since the War came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a
+      pretext, have been exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate,
+      has X. gone his uncomplaining way for years. 
+
+      <p>But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and purple with
+      rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted were those ordinarily placid
+      features. His eyes were fixed on a receding taxi.</p>
+
+      <p>Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free. "Don't
+      touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in life when tact is
+      second nature, I waited silently near him until the storm should have passed.</p>
+
+      <p>His eyes were still fixed.</p>
+
+      <p>After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.</p>
+
+      <p>"I could have killed that fellow," he said.</p>
+
+      <p>"What fellow?"</p>
+
+      <p>"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look at me. I
+      hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me. Now I don't mind when
+      they point, or make any kind of sign that they don't want to be hired, or say that
+      they have no petrol, even if I don't believe it; but when they won't turn their
+      heads or pay any attention whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of
+      them like that. I swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again&mdash;"I swear
+      that, if I had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails
+      another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication. It's only
+      human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like that chap. It's awful,
+      awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to
+      the House of Lords if necessary. Such men&mdash;ugh!"</p>
+
+      <p>He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.</p>
+
+      <p>"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken his number!
+      "</p>
+
+      <h4>II.</h4>
+
+      <p>The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the
+      <i>d&eacute;bris</i> of a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be
+      cleared away. The last guests had gone&mdash;in this or that conveyance, or on our
+      best friends in war-time, the feet&mdash;and that hunt for a taxi, which has now
+      taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or less energy
+      by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of whom returned at
+      intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say how hopeless the case was
+      and how independent the men had become.</p>
+
+      <p>One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud laugh of
+      mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!" signifying, as I understood
+      it, that nothing on earth should interfere with his homeward journey that night,
+      since he had done enough and was tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still
+      required his services, he was at my disposal.</p>
+
+      <p>The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in the
+      hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of the chase.</p>
+
+      <p>At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a young
+      man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise covering one of
+      the noblest personalities in the land&mdash;some Haroun al Raschid, filled with
+      pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life to redressing the wrongs
+      inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi tyrants&mdash;for he said nothing about having
+      no petrol, nothing about the lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in
+      which we wished to go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and
+      on the cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end insisted
+      on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and had no objection to
+      make when asked to wait a little longer and go on elsewhere.</p>
+
+      <p>All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be true? Could
+      it?</p>
+
+      <p>And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank you,"
+      although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally burned. Perhaps it
+      did; I was too dazed to remember.</p>
+
+      <p>How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and look for
+      it, assured of a gentleman on the box!</p>
+
+      <h4>III.</h4>
+
+      <p>So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still&mdash;only the bad ones
+      are more difficult to get hold of.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/014-1.png"><img src="images/014-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      "SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS&mdash;GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE TAPESTRY WHILE SHE
+      PINCHED MY BREAD!"</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>Caveat Emptor.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Leopard for Sale.&mdash;A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet. Purchaser will
+        have to make his own arrangements for removal."&mdash;<i>The Statesman
+        (India).</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to change its
+      spot.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom. This is
+        sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen weeks."&mdash;<i>Greenock
+        Telegraph.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the staffs of
+      other journals?</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big states as also the
+        Government (and yet in service) and obtained a great deal of experience is
+        entirely willing to accept a respectable post either of a Companion or a
+        Household Controller or A.D.C."&mdash;<i>Indian Paper.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Can this be TINO?</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an undertaking that
+        nothing would be done to expend public money in this connection before the House
+        had had the opportunity of discussing the question?"&mdash;<i>Provincial
+        Paper.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the supporters of both
+        camps are curiously watching to see if they will now find themselves in hot
+        water."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry,
+        dairy."&mdash;<i>Observer.</i>
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>TO LORD RHONDDA.</h2>
+
+      <p>DEAR LORD RHONDDA,&mdash;When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius
+      College, spending your leisure-time in an eight- or a pair-oar, and stirring up the
+      muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I cannot believe that any
+      premonitions of the heights of celebrity to which you would some day attain
+      disturbed your mind. And yet here you are, a survivor from the foul and murderous
+      shattering of the <i>Lusitania</i>, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a
+      peer, and the Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.</p>
+
+      <p>Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the post you
+      now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his tenure of it cannot
+      have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an infallible recipe for catching
+      sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning them into potatoes, or whatever might be
+      the fashionable food at the moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in
+      prices must be entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the
+      article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to grind&mdash;all
+      these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to their hands, and gave
+      him a time which can only be described as a very bad one. Add to this the mistakes
+      almost necessarily made by an office which was entirely new and dealt with
+      unexampled conditions, and it is not on the whole surprising that difficulties were
+      encountered and that the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed
+      there was or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord
+      DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words <i>maximum</i> and
+      <i>minimum</i> as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these Latin
+      monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.</p>
+
+      <p>However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S place and
+      can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into the belief that all
+      is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to believe that if I tried for a
+      month of Sundays, and I don't mean to spend my time to no purpose. But I think the
+      great body of the nation is determined that you shall have fair play and will
+      support you through thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you
+      may recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of
+      food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to be led, we
+      are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for having engaged your
+      reputation and your skill and your firmness in the task of leading or driving us.
+      And if in the course of your duty you encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to
+      grind the faces of the poor or to find his own profit in the misery of his
+      fellow-men we look to you to give him short shrift.</p>
+
+      <p>I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and faithful
+      Servant,</p>
+
+      <p>THE GATE OF HUMILITY.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/015-1.png"><img src="images/015-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting).</i> "NOW THEN, MY MAN,
+      DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"<br />
+      <i>Recruit</i>. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE, AS YOU
+      MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired wheels)."&mdash;<i>Kentish
+        Mercury</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+
+      <p>Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a sympathetic
+      fatigue.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>"Delirant Reges."</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,<br />
+        Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons<br />
+        Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields<br />
+        Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."<br />
+        Perhaps; but what if he is down below?<br />
+        In any case what we should like to know<br />
+        Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,<br />
+        Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits<br />
+        Because his Emperor has lost his wits.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>One of the "Illuminate."</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas connections."&mdash;<i>Montreal
+        Daily Star</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+      <h3>THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.</h3>
+
+      <p>First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible fantasy
+      in mime&mdash;<i>The Magic Pipe</i>: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair,
+      sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE, who played
+      his own part, <i>Pierrot</i>, with a fine sincerity and a sense of the great
+      tradition in this <i>genre</i>, got his effect across to us with an admirable
+      directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly
+      sort of way (which is a very nice way), danced seriously, fantastically,
+      delightfully, and with quite astonishing command of her technique&mdash;the sort of
+      thing that nine infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would
+      condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been consoled by
+      the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I have a fancy that mime
+      would go far to restore sanity and tradition to the English stage, and every
+      creditable essay in a delightful art deserves the fullest support.</p>
+
+      <p>It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three Acts
+      over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns (its theme) have
+      no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke was not the really serious
+      thing about <i>The Foundations</i>, a play that starts (some years hence) with a
+      mob of starving people yelling outside the house&mdash;dear, stupid, kindly <i>Lord
+      William Dromondy's</i> house. <i>Lord William</i> was a god of an infantry captain
+      in the great War, and his four footmen&mdash;particularly <i>James</i>, the first
+      of them&mdash;though revolutionaries at heart, are ready to stand between their
+      master and any other revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the
+      foundations of <i>Lord William's</i> Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed
+      laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.</p>
+
+      <p>The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited over.
+      But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as it was, was
+      diverting in the extreme.</p>
+
+      <p>Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as black
+      as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to keep our end up in
+      the great War. But we know the customs of leopards, and can forgive our pessimist
+      for his creations (for all the world as if he were a milliner) of <i>Poulder, Lord
+      William's</i> butler, rounded pillar of the eternal old order of things; of
+      <i>James</i>, revolutionary but faithful (of course <i>James</i> never would in
+      fact have kept this absurd job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless,
+      torrentially eloquent plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness
+      and the letting of the blood of all who were not kind.</p>
+
+      <p>Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his head, as
+      is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is perhaps ungracious to
+      remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY PAXTON'S triumph with <i>Poulder</i>
+      was his admirable restraint&mdash;rarest of accomplishments among comic stage
+      butlers. The effect of everything was heightened by this excellent economy. It was
+      a lesson in artistic reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was
+      <i>The Press</i> of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good
+      deal more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I should put
+      it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD
+      has made a deserved reputation as the strong silly ass. He sustained it&mdash;with
+      something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S <i>James</i> was a quite excellent
+      performance, not very coherent and consistent in conception on the author's part,
+      perhaps, and on that account all the more difficult. Miss ESM&Eacute; HUBBARD gave
+      us pathos skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman turned
+      trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite astonishing aptitude (or the
+      most wonderful training) in the part of her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also
+      did well with her rather intrusive part of <i>Lord William's</i> daughter.</p>
+
+      <p><i>Box B</i>, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us home
+      easy-minded to bed. <i>Bobby Stroud</i>, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty (oh, ever
+      such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was
+      really perfectly irresistible&mdash;something ought to be done about it. She would
+      have reduced the whole Flying Corps to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had
+      just that air of awkward modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank
+      as an advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl with
+      all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little things.</p>
+
+      <p>The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever so long
+      ago.</p>
+
+      <p>T.</p>
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/016-1.png"><img src="images/016-1.png"
+      width="33%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr. DAWSON MILWARD) to give
+      its views on things in general.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>THERE USED TO BE&mdash;&mdash;</h2>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        There used to be fairies in Germany&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; I know, for I've seen them there<br />
+        In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; With their heads high up in the air;<br />
+        They scrambled about in the forest<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And nobody seemed to mind;<br />
+        They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And they smiled and their eyes were kind.<br />
+        <br />
+        What, and oh what were they doing<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; To let things happen like this?<br />
+        How could it be? And didn't they see<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; That folk were going amiss?<br />
+        Were they too busy playing,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; Or can they perhaps have slept,<br />
+        That never they heard an ominous word<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; That stealthily crept and crept?<br />
+        <br />
+        There used to be fairies in Germany&mdash;<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; The children will look for them still;<br />
+        They will search all about till the sunlight slips out<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And the trees stand frowning and chill.<br />
+        "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; And where can the fairies be fled<br />
+        That played in the fern?"&mdash;The flowers will return,<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp; But I fear that the fairies are dead.<br />
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h3>The Kaiser Lands in England.</h3>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never popular. Father
+        Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as chairman of the Assessment
+        Committee, was the most unpopular man in Plymouth except one, and the other one
+        was the Kaiser."&mdash;<i>Western Daily Mercury</i>.
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Letter addressed to local Tribunal:&mdash;</p>
+
+      <blockquote>
+        "Dear Sirs,&mdash;The reason for my exemption has been removed and I shall be
+        glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy."
+      </blockquote>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/017-1.png"><img src="images/017-1.png"
+      width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND YOU CAN'T
+      CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?&mdash;AND OF COURSE YOU MUST
+      CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+      <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+
+      <p>I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr. FIELDING-HALL'S
+      <i>The Way of Peace</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of reader that is drawing
+      plans in his head for a New England. No wonder that in these great days the
+      impatient idealist rushes forth with his bag of dreams. The author of <i>The Soul
+      of a People</i> is extreme but sane&mdash;an extremist in common sense, say. He
+      stakes on the fact of human solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and
+      crookednesses of politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he
+      is!); wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere
+      musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less ignorant;
+      good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit of government and of
+      fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as a plasmon-fed high-brow
+      proposition but as the natural expression of a joy of life returned; a clear fount
+      of honour; a representative House of Commons; justice, respect, common sense and
+      responsibility instead of charity; some place other than the streets for our young
+      men and maidens to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an
+      individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted against
+      the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible things. Here is not
+      the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of living citizenship. I commend
+      it to all believers in new days and all honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a
+      programme but as a tonic.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Do not, please, run away with the idea that <i>The Nursery</i> (HEINEMANN)
+      presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The background of his
+      story, the scenes of which are laid in and around Colchester a year or so ago, is
+      composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On these he gives a lot of information, and,
+      as he could not be pedantic even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the
+      store of knowledge set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing
+      with the War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant
+      novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of <i>The Nursery</i> I failed
+      to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr. PHILLPOTTS usually
+      succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his novels must know by this time
+      that he is not exactly in love with <i>Mrs. Grundy</i>, but here he seems to be
+      insurgent against something, and for the life of me I don't know quite what it is.
+      Perhaps it is insincerity, which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against.
+      There is one very amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who
+      defied law and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered
+      justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is <i>William Ambrose</i>, and it is
+      worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM SMITH&mdash;the
+      discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder STEVENSON, and other
+      persons of discernment) for the romantic possibilities of the map. There is an
+      excellent map in the beginning of Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the
+      peculiar domain of childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win
+      your sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the heart of
+      the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of nursery life proclaims a
+      genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood faked up for literary ends. Who that
+      has once been young can read unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and
+      Contrivances," with its entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during
+      the providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery, down two
+      flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a reviewer whom
+      nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the possibility of this
+      delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks too&mdash;Mr. SMITH has
+      remembered them with a proper regard that is, of course, wholly different from that
+      of those who understand them only in their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved
+      for themselves alone, for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of
+      hoarding and barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps
+      that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent it as
+      betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door of which too many
+      of us have long lost the key.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>What I found strangest in the <i>Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis</i> (MURRAY)
+      is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about rogues, in which trickery
+      is invariably vanquished&mdash;a refreshing contrast to the methods of most of our
+      romanticists, who are given to a certain courtier-like attitude towards the
+      lawbreaker. Certainly that various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put
+      together a highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure
+      tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned, not with
+      bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers in the spurious
+      antique and the exploits of <i>Lord Louis</i> in defeating them. This <i>Lord
+      Louis</i> is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very ingenious gentleman. From the
+      rotundity of his conversational periods and a certain general suavity of demeanour
+      I suspect him of having made a careful study of the methods of his distinguished
+      predecessor in rogue-reducing, <i>Prince Florizel of Bohemia.</i> But he is, of
+      course, none the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when,
+      in perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he&mdash;I can hardly bring myself to quote
+      the passage!&mdash;he "moistened his fingers and turned over three pages." And this
+      of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE! Having said so much, it is only
+      fair that I should call your special attention to one of the stories, "The House in
+      Bath," an exquisite little gem of considerably higher art than is usually
+      associated with such "Exploits of the Event."</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as <i>Home Truths
+      about the War</i> (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so often been used
+      as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable statements that we have grown
+      excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this account the letters that the Rev. HUGH
+      CHAPMAN has here brought together would be to miss a very original and inspiring
+      little book. Let me say once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and
+      popular chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author) has
+      deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in letters, can
+      hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one side, and accepting these,
+      not as the letters that would be written from one man to another, but rather (to
+      speak without irreverence) such as the human heart might address to its Creator,
+      you will find them full of interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of
+      men and women are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for
+      these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The priest, the
+      actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the conscientious objector, are all
+      touched lightly, tactfully, and with a kindly humour that saves the book from its
+      very obvious danger of becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has
+      crystallised very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude
+      towards the War&mdash;buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality in
+      its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in <i>Early English Adventurers in the East</i>
+      (MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at any rate, of
+      the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual existence, but I tell myself
+      hopefully that my ignorance of those daring pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as
+      humble adventurers of the seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been
+      satisfactorily removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of
+      stirring deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for
+      rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And Mr. WRIGHT is
+      not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but also on the admirable way
+      in which he has performed it. A restrained style and a temperate judgment are
+      equally at his command. I cannot better commend his book to Imperialists than by
+      saying that all Little Englanders will detest it.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p>On internal evidence I had set down <i>Root and Branch</i> (ALLEN AND UNWIN), by
+      R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and observant writer of
+      the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page gives two previous novels to
+      her pen&mdash;I still guess a woman's hand. And I by no means withdraw the
+      "clever." The characterisation of the various members of the <i>Arenski</i>
+      family&mdash;the branches are better done than the root, old <i>Paul Arenski,
+      K.C.</i>, idealist and orator&mdash;is uncannily good. There's wit and humour and
+      diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first book" idea was an uncertainty of
+      method, a hesitation between the new realism and the older romanticism. In both
+      moods the author is successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This,
+      however, is technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested,
+      approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the book, the
+      ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in killing, at her passionate
+      request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly dying of a terrible disease.</p>
+      <hr />
+
+      <p class="figure"><a href="images/018-1.png"><img src="images/018-1.png"
+      width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br />
+      <i>Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a portrait
+      enlargement).</i> "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT SATISFIED.' I'M
+      <i>NOT</i> SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."<br />
+      <i>The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)</i> "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MADAM;
+      BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT
+      SPECIFY <i>WHO</i> IS TO BE SATISFIED&mdash;AND I ASSURE YOU I <i>AM</i>."</p>
+<pre class="pglegal">
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No.
+1, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153, NO. 1 ***
+
+This file should be named 8p153a10h.htm or 8p153a10h.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p153a11h.htm
+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p153a10ah.htm
+
+Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+http://gutenberg.net or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart hart@pobox.com
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print***
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+</pre>
+  </body>
+</html>
+
diff --git a/old/8p153a10h.zip b/old/8p153a10h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b0ce83c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8p153a10h.zip