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Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8643] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on July 29, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153, NO. 1 *** + + +Produced by Jon Ingram, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. +</pre> + + <h1>Vol. 153.</h1> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/001-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001-1.png" + alt="Vol. 153." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h1>Punch 1917.07.04</h1> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/003-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/003-1.png" + alt="VOL. CLIII." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.</h2> + + <p>The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper spread across + his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.</p> + + <p>"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG himself. If + it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I knowed him ever since I + come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday. He'd come round that there bend + a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I + am again;' and he'd always stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.</p> + + <p>"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house, and he'd + just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them as perlite as any + gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home with your golf-clubs after two + rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling + you.</p> + + <p>"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what couldn't carry + the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old woman a-goin' back from + market with all her cabbages and live ducks and eggs and onions—it were all + just the same to little Billy.</p> + + <p>"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they have took + Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair knocked over, and him so + little and all.</p> + + <p>"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.</p> + + <p>"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me—'Grandpa,' he says, 'I've + been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing to hear him whistle + again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have to get back to France again to + see him.'</p> + + <p>"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns it's my + belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.</p> + + <p>"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment. Ain't I + been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here call the little train + what used to run six times a day from the town to the links. Just see what the paper + says, Sir. I don't be much of a reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on + record here the fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport + would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the railway + companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their locomotives and rolling + stock.'</p> + + <p>"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for hundreds an' + hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army wanted him, and we've been + and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think my Billy's in the paper."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MELTING-POT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + ["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection of metal + which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM THE + FIRST."—<i>Reuter</i>.] + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + Heavy is Armageddon's price<br /> + And loud the call to sacrifice;<br /> + All stuff composed of likely metals—<br /> + Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles—<br /> + Into the War's insatiate melting-pot<br /> + Has to be shot.<br /> + <br /> + That was a hard and bitter blow<br /> + When first your church-bells had to go—<br /> + Those saintly bells that rang carillons<br /> + While in the maw of happy millions<br /> + Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled<br /> + For babies killed.<br /> + <br /> + It hurt your Christian hearts to melt<br /> + A source of faith so keenly felt;<br /> + And now (worse sacrilege than that) you<br /> + Propose to take yon regal statue,<br /> + That godlike effigy, and make a gun<br /> + Of WILLIAM ONE!<br /> + <br /> + What will <i>He</i> say when you reduce<br /> + His Relative to cannon-juice?<br /> + The prospect must be pretty rotten<br /> + If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten<br /> + Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,<br /> + For useful ends.<br /> + <br /> + I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!<br /> + They're liquefying Grandpapa!<br /> + The nation's needs, that grow acuter,<br /> + Count sacred things as so much pewter;<br /> + Even my holy crown may go some day<br /> + Down the red way!"<br /> + </blockquote> + + <p>O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LE SÉNÉGALAIS.</h2> + + <p>Samédou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him. + "M—A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient puzzling, + "M—A—MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in one wide white + grin before turning to the next syllable, "M—A—N." Once more the puzzled + frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints from neighbouring beds, once + more the triumph of perseverance, "M—A—N—MAN!" He was just enjoying + his success and chanting his pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" + when Soeur Antoinette paused by his bed. "Très bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il + faut les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one back to + the first syllable.</p> + + <p>Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M—A—N was MAN, but + what was M—A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that M—A + spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M—A—N spelled. + At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer, and the ward was filled + with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which Samédou joined most happily.</p> + + <p>Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once turned to + another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when she smiled back a + greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked proudly round him at his + fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we understand one another, she and + I!"</p> + + <p>During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samédou invariably met the + sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining fortitude, which might + have seemed due to insensibility had not the staff had ample proof that his silence + was the silence of a fine courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the + hospital was in preparation, and when the <i>salle de pansements</i> had to be taken + the photographer decided that the best lay figure for his <i>mise-en-scène</i> + would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the staff. So + Samédou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table. Unfortunately + the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business of placing things in the + best light that no one realised that the poor Senegalese did not understand the + purpose of the preparations, and when the English nurse was called to take up her + position she noticed the hands of Samédou Kieta clutching the sides of the + table and his black eyes rolling in a sea of white.</p> + + <p>She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me prêter une + photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the treasured groups of + <i>la famille</i>. Taking one at random she returned to Samédou and held it + before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi, le Major, l'infirmier."</p> + + <p>Samédou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face. "Y + a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!"</p> + + <p>When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the Sidi in + bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff resorted to the usual weak + method of confiscating all his clothes save a shirt, and hoping for the best. But one + day the English nurse, going unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon + Samédou Kieta, simply dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the + freshly-arrived wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified + exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself out with the + propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you. Water!" A most effectual + method of disarming reproof.</p> + + <p>Poor Samédou has since passed on to another hospital for electric + treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:—</p> + + <p>"Moi, Samédou Kieta, arrivé à l'autre hôpital. Y a bon. + Mais moi, Samédou Kieta, toi pas oublié. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux + galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon. Y a bon. Y a + bon."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the western front, and + their losses will increase rapidly. They must shorten their lives wherever possible + in order to save men."—<i>Ceylon Morning Leader.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty assistance of + the Allies.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school, O.T.C., Varsity + education, speaks English, French, Spanish perfectly, engineering training, + efficient car driver and mechanic, horseman, is open to any sporting job connected + with war; willing undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid." + </blockquote> + + <p>If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will hear of + something that will just suit him.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm at the invasion + of a great part of their beautiful country by what some of them describe as a + plague of locusts, and yesterday considerable numbers of people visited the + district where the hosts are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester + alighted at Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists, anxious + to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious menace to the field and + garden crops."—<i>Yorkshire Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for the roots.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NATION DEMANDS.</h2> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/005-1.png"><img src="images/005-1.png" width="100%" + alt="THE NATION DEMANDS." /></a><br /> + MR. PUNCH (<i>to the PRIME MINISTER</i>}. "IF YOU <i>MUST</i> HAVE DIRTY LINEN WASHED + IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/006-1.png"><img src="images/006-1.png" width="100%" + alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + <i>Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)</i>. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD WHEN + PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR TELLIN' ON ME."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ABSENTEE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + Methinks at last the time has come to speak ...<br /> + Since good old Russia up and revoluted<br /> + I have been waiting, week by weary week,<br /> + To hear the news—the obvious item—bruited;<br /> + But now I give it up; it will not come;<br /> + Or anyway I can no more be dumb.<br /> + <br /> + Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release—<br /> + "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing,"<br /> + Demos superbly potting at police,<br /> + And actual swords getting an actual outing—<br /> + Came at the last, the things wherein you shone,<br /> + Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON?<br /> + <br /> + You were not there! Damme, you were not <i>there</i>!<br /> + Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you!<br /> + "All that lost riot that you did not share"<br /> + Managed, somehow, to get along without you;<br /> + When Russia "went to battle for the creed"<br /> + GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed!<br /> + <br /> + CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap!<br /> + Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy,"<br /> + "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"?<br /> + Here were the days you looked upon as palmy.<br /> + Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord,<br /> + There is no word you work so hard as "sword."<br /> + <br /> + We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch,<br /> + "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other;<br /> + Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch;<br /> + Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother;<br /> + Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat,<br /> + Running amok to "slay them in the street."<br /> + <br /> + Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades,<br /> + And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten,<br /> + And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades<br /> + In "Russia's wrath"—just as you've often written;<br /> + Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled,<br /> + While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield.<br /> + <br /> + And yet—I understand; I don't impute<br /> + That only in your poems do you bicker;<br /> + You would abstain, when people revolute,<br /> + No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor;<br /> + And here we have it—here's the reason why:<br /> + <i>This was a revolution that was "dry."</i><br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Eagle's Plume.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her + feather."—<i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ——, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had a + lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they ot out than + gpractically the whole house cae mdown."—<i>Pioneer (Allahabad)</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have been more + careful of the individual than of the type.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ——'s, have a + pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this modern Forum + to-morrow?"—<i>"Callisthenes" in the evening papers, June 23rd.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June 24th was a + Sunday.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the Moabit Goods + Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen, <i>et cetera</i>, exploded, + resulting in the destruction of a part of Vilna and the township of Osjory near the + Grodno conflagration station and a basket factory at Happe."—<i>Ceylon + Independent</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been felt even in + Colombo.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WOMAN AS USUAL.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>In the manner of some of our own evening papers</i>.)</h4> + + <p>It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality Exhibition, + where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling. Just before leaving, + however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being compounded with oddments of rabbit + and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma which I hated to leave—even for luncheon + at the Fitz.</p> + + <h4>AT THE FITZ.</h4> + + <p>By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit + <i>goulash</i>, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being prepared + at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion of classes is happily + illustrated in the common use of the same comestibles.</p> + + <p>There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in these war-time + days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking remarkably well-nourished in a + mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett + and Sir Peter Frye-Smith.</p> + + <h4>YESTERDAY'S WEDDING.</h4> + + <p>Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia, yesterday, + on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego. The story of the + engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was returning from Peru, where she had + been hunting armadillos; the ship in which she was travelling was wrecked in the + Straits of Magellan, and she was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually + cruising about in his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, + but all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism and is + now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a fine-looking man of the + prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the crowd on leaving the church.</p> + + <h4>A CHARMING CONCERT.</h4> + + <p>All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti has decided + to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her programme as usual reflects her + catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she will sing not only Welsh and Cornish + folk-songs, but works by PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young + American composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will be + represented.</p> + + <h4>TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES.</h4> + + <p>The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot weather, when + luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and dinner resolves itself into + a cold collation in the cool of the evening, some refreshment between our second and + third meals is indispensable. I accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten + flour and are very quickly made.</p> + + <p>Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash, a quarter + of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and pound the peaches to a + pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir vigorously with a mirliton. Put into + patty-pans and bake gently for about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About + thirty cakes should result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients + proportionately.</p> + + <p>Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large + egg—a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint of + Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope.</p> + + <p>MÉLISANDE.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/007-1.png"><img src="images/007-1.png" width="66%" + alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + <i>Extract from Hun airman's report</i>. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH FORMATION, + CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The New Plutocracy.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."—<i>North Star.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than butter; and in + winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for its sleeping + place."—<i>Daily Mail.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>The cheese should however be carefully tethered.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON GERLACH, was + effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in Europe." Another slight + for LITTLE WILLIE.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises that "the + use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be permitted." Abbreviations + now dear to the London subscriber, such as "Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz—are + you—ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc., etc., will no longer be allowed.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to explain + their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is already manifesting + itself in New York and elsewhere.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week obtained a + divorce.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of which are + pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very unlucky to be buried on a + Sunday.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat with a fur + coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can be kept at a + distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious plants. There is also much to be + said for the plan of making a noise like a German.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady of + Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and take a note or + two.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord RHONDDA on + Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features last week.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other day, just + as if he were a High Court Judge.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that the guests + left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said as to how this happy idea + originated.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held between + Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most suitable time for + business men who are assisting America in war-work.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of cheese was + alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed 8,173,639 + hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the story that he thought it + was much larger than this.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the Wye. As the + fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must have been leading a double, + or even treble, life.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country by a + recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the effect that "Honesty is + the best policy."</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been set by the + python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his mid-monthly lunch.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears a + remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major, it appears, + explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible accident he had when a + boy.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>A correspondent in <i>Folk Lore</i> declares that the hedgehog is, after all, a + very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any comparison with other + animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win on points.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that the War has + only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy coincidence that their entry + into the War synchronises with the initial operations.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in parcels + to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been experienced, it is pointed + out, in securing prompt delivery of portions of uncooked eggs that may have escaped + from the parcels in which they were confined.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot speak a + word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh." Probably the + platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently like Welsh.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main difficulties + in connection with the beer supply. This however is questioned by many patriotic + consumers, who affirm that they are very rarely able to get as much as they can + carry.</p> + <hr class="small" /> + + <p>The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be under + consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as exposed in the + Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business from the Isle of Wight.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RUINED RAPTURE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + Through many a busy year of peace<br /> + I hoped some day, by way of beano,<br /> + To give myself a jaunt in Greece,<br /> + Famed land of HOMER (also TINO).<br /> + Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate,<br /> + I'd loll within some leafy hollow<br /> + With Aphrodite <i>téte-a-téte</i><br /> + Or barter back-chat with Apollo.<br /> + <br /> + Around Olympus' foot I'd roam<br /> + (Not being really fond of climbing),<br /> + Absorb romance and carry home<br /> + Increased facility at rhyming;<br /> + Those hallowed haunts of many a god<br /> + That nowadays we only read of<br /> + Would give my Pegasus the prod<br /> + He not unseldom stood in need of.<br /> + <br /> + That was in Peace. And then the War<br /> + Sent me to learn within a hutment<br /> + What martial duties held in store<br /> + And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant;<br /> + <br /> + Thence to the trenches, thence a rest,<br /> + A route-march to a wayside station,<br /> + With (every single soldier guessed)<br /> + Greece as our "unknown destination."<br /> + <br /> + I saw Olympus wrapped in snow,<br /> + The clouds at rest upon its summit,<br /> + But did I thrill or long to throw<br /> + My hands athwart the lyre and strum it?<br /> + Gazing, I felt no soulful throb,<br /> + I only felt the body's inner<br /> + Cravings and said, "I'll bet a bob<br /> + It's bully once again for dinner."<br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called Chartreuse, situated + near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now + in the field, and has been empty since the beginning of the + war."—<i>Evening Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LEAVE-WANGLER.</h2> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/009-1.png"><img src="images/009-1.png" + width="100%" alt="THE LEAVE-WANGLER." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/010-1.png"><img src="images/010-1.png" + width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + <i>Father.</i> "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"<br /> + <i>Tommy.</i> "C 6."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HAY FEVER.</h2> + + <blockquote> + That is the twenty-seventh time to-day!<br /> + What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray?<br /> + What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes?<br /> + There <i>is</i> no anodyne for this disease—<br /> + Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + <br /> + The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose;<br /> + But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose.<br /> + For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee!<br /> + Your sweetest blooms are misery to me;<br /> + And as for that condemned acacia-tree—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + <br /> + Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep,<br /> + In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep;<br /> + Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes,<br /> + Who simply revel in the longest grasses,<br /> + While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + <br /> + Fain would I spend my summers high in air;<br /> + At least there are no privet-hedges there.<br /> + But even then I have no doubt the smell<br /> + From slopes celestial of asphodel<br /> + Would fill the firmament and give me hell—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + <br /> + They tell me 'tis the man of intellect<br /> + The baneful seeds especially affect;<br /> + And I that sneeze one million times a year—<br /> + I ought to have a notable career,<br /> + Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + <br /> + Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain<br /> + Would I concede my fine but fatal brain,<br /> + Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray<br /> + Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay,<br /> + And not explode in this exhausting way—<br /> + A-tish-oo!<br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>Wanted, a Faith-healer.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>Dear Madam,—We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ——, + and wish to inform you that he was transferred to —— Hospital, + suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information may be of some + value,</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully, ——</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy, with all his + Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six years, will be able to bruise + the serpent's heel."—<i>Observer</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "MARRIAGES.—All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors —— + Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially erected for the + purpose."—<i>The Age</i> (<i>Melbourne</i>). + </blockquote> + + <p>This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin, + "conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and Glasnevin + Cemetery."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up adoringly into + his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.</p> + + <p>A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had wooed and + won her so long ago.</p> + + <p>Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey + eyes."—<i>Manchester Evening Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will finish with + two black eyes.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SAVING OF THE RACE.</h2> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/011-1.png"><img src="images/011-1.png" + width="100%" alt="THE SAVING OF THE RACE." /></a><br /> + ["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The object of + the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the care of their + children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will be felt for a cause to + which our heavy losses in the War have given an added urgency. Those who desire to + give practical help towards the cost of the scheme will kindly address their gifts + to the Hon. Treasurer, National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, + W.I.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, June 25th</i>.—Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of + Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR, who politely + represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation in Greece, and actually + declared to-day that the difficulties of the Allies would only be increased by the + hon. Member's attempts to deal with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done + with, however. "Is that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by + reason of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the apologist + of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of freewill and + necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."</p> + + <p>The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE, + whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best definition of infinity," have + been, at intervals, its pride and joy for over thirty years. But it will have to + wait a while, for—strange lapse on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen + contests!—Sir ROBERT had omitted to bring with him the returning-officer's + certificate. Lord HALSBURY, delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance + in the House forty years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly + endless pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.</p> + + <p>At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good Nationalists + would remain in their country, doing their best to make the Convention a success. + Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at Westminster, because it proposes to + set up a Conference to consider the future composition and powers of the Second + Chamber. Was it not, he asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express + consent of the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his + questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such action was + distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly transported to the dear dead + days before the War, when he was hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, + considers that Mr. LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such + indecent length and accuracy.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 26th</i>.—A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord + STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids, and + advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities. Had his appeal + been successful he would have been recorded in history as the mildest-mannered man + that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY would have none of it. British + aeroplanes—of which, like every nation engaged in the War, we have none too + many—shall only be employed in bombing when some distinctly military object + is to be achieved.</p> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-1.png"><img src="images/012-1.png" + width="50%" alt="THE RIVALS." /></a><br /> + THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.</p> + + <p>After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has decided + that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid would tend to do more + harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (<i>teste</i> Mr. CATHCART WASON) has announced + that he will not ring the great bell of St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while + regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, + had, as a point of fact, declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their + belfry.</p> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/012-2.png"><img src="images/012-2.png" + width="33%" alt="A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE." /></a><br /> + A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.</p> + + <p>Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the store of + commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at Gallipoli. Otherwise + he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs. ANNIE BESANT, upon whose + activities the Government of Madras have imposed certain salutary restrictions. + What India wants, I understand, is less Besant and more Rice.</p> + + <p>Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there is + logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those who have + refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and others, but, + apart from the objections urged on high religious grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the + Government was probably right in resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake + in ever giving a statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that + person could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's + lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having deliberately + provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to inflict a penalty upon + those who creep through it. And so the House thought, for it rejected the proposal + by a two-to-one majority.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 27th</i>.—There is a general impression that membership + of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse for the avoidance of + military service. This, it appears, is erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a + Medical Board has declared unfit for general service; and even these, according to + Mr. FORSTER, may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to certain + potential heroes.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 28th</i>.—Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment + is to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects him of + concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR represses impertinent + curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir + G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. + BALFOUR proposed to take no action. The letter was a private communication, which + would never have been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. + KING'S own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that everything in + it would bear publication.</p> + + <p>Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his + letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd to one + TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME SECRETARY be more + careful, please, about interning alien friends without trial? Sir George Cave was + sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY. There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been + interned—by the Germans. Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.</p> + + <p>The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the wonderful + work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of listening to ADDISON on + Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of this combination was quite so + sparkling as it should have been, for the orator stuck closely to his manuscript + and allowed himself few flights of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and + the House readily endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and + Messines.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/013-1.png"><img src="images/013-1.png" + width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + "DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"<br /> + "YES, DEAR."<br /> + "BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The Exile's Lament, + + <blockquote> + 'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary,<br /> + Where we sat side by side.'" + </blockquote> + —<i>Canadian Courier.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady DUFFERIN + wrote something very like it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A RESOLUTION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + I'll tell you what I mean to do<br /> + When these our wars shall cease to rage:<br /> + I'll go where Summer skies are blue<br /> + And Spring enjoys her heritage;<br /> + I shall not work for fame or wage,<br /> + But wear a large black silk cravat,<br /> + A velvet coat that's grey with age<br /> + Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.<br /> + <br /> + I'll journey to some Tuscan town<br /> + And rent a palace for a song,<br /> + And all the walls I'll whitewash down<br /> + Some day when I am feeling strong;<br /> + And there I'll pass my days among<br /> + My books, and, when my reading palls<br /> + And Summer days are overlong,<br /> + I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.<br /> + <br /> + The world may go her divers ways<br /> + The while I draw or write or smoke,<br /> + Happy to live laborious days<br /> + There among simple painter folk;<br /> + To wed the olive and the oak,<br /> + Most patiently to woo the Muse,<br /> + And wear a great big Tuscan cloak<br /> + To guard against the heavy dews.<br /> + <br /> + Between the olive and the vine<br /> + I'll make heroic mock of Mars,<br /> + And drink at even golden wine<br /> + Kept cool in terra-cotta jars;<br /> + And afterwards harangue the stars<br /> + In little gems of fervid speech,<br /> + And smoke impossible cigars<br /> + Which cost at least three <i>soldi</i> each.<br /> + <br /> + Let more ambitious spirits spin<br /> + The web of life for weal or woe,<br /> + Whilst I above my violin<br /> + Shall sit and watch the vale below<br /> + All crimson in the afterglow;<br /> + And when the patient stars grow bright<br /> + I'll draw across the strings my bow<br /> + Till Chopin ushers in the night.<br /> + <br /> + Such things as these I mean to do<br /> + When Peace once more resumes her sway;<br /> + To walk barefooted through the dew<br /> + And while the sunlit hours away,<br /> + If haply I may find some gay<br /> + Conceit to light a sombre mind,<br /> + As gracious as a Summer day,<br /> + As wayward as an April wind.<br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Legitimate Inference.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property + clergyman."—<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and hand them to the + Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to seize the materials stolen. + Enquiry is still going on."—<i>Egyptian Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The authorities seem to be living up to their title.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.</h2> + + <h3>A CONTRAST.</h3> + + <h4>I.</h4> + My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect control; + and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds palliations and makes + allowances for all those defections in the servants of the public which goad men to + fury and which, since the War came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a + pretext, have been exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, + has X. gone his uncomplaining way for years. + + <p>But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and purple with + rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted were those ordinarily placid + features. His eyes were fixed on a receding taxi.</p> + + <p>Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free. "Don't + touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in life when tact is + second nature, I waited silently near him until the storm should have passed.</p> + + <p>His eyes were still fixed.</p> + + <p>After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.</p> + + <p>"I could have killed that fellow," he said.</p> + + <p>"What fellow?"</p> + + <p>"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look at me. I + hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me. Now I don't mind when + they point, or make any kind of sign that they don't want to be hired, or say that + they have no petrol, even if I don't believe it; but when they won't turn their + heads or pay any attention whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of + them like that. I swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again—"I swear + that, if I had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails + another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication. It's only + human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like that chap. It's awful, + awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to + the House of Lords if necessary. Such men—ugh!"</p> + + <p>He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken his number! + "</p> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <p>The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the + <i>débris</i> of a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be + cleared away. The last guests had gone—in this or that conveyance, or on our + best friends in war-time, the feet—and that hunt for a taxi, which has now + taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or less energy + by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of whom returned at + intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say how hopeless the case was + and how independent the men had become.</p> + + <p>One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud laugh of + mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!" signifying, as I understood + it, that nothing on earth should interfere with his homeward journey that night, + since he had done enough and was tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still + required his services, he was at my disposal.</p> + + <p>The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in the + hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of the chase.</p> + + <p>At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a young + man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise covering one of + the noblest personalities in the land—some Haroun al Raschid, filled with + pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life to redressing the wrongs + inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi tyrants—for he said nothing about having + no petrol, nothing about the lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in + which we wished to go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and + on the cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end insisted + on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and had no objection to + make when asked to wait a little longer and go on elsewhere.</p> + + <p>All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be true? Could + it?</p> + + <p>And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank you," + although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally burned. Perhaps it + did; I was too dazed to remember.</p> + + <p>How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and look for + it, assured of a gentleman on the box!</p> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <p>So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still—only the bad ones + are more difficult to get hold of.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/014-1.png"><img src="images/014-1.png" + width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + "SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS—GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE TAPESTRY WHILE SHE + PINCHED MY BREAD!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Caveat Emptor.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Leopard for Sale.—A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet. Purchaser will + have to make his own arrangements for removal."—<i>The Statesman + (India).</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to change its + spot.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom. This is + sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen weeks."—<i>Greenock + Telegraph.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the staffs of + other journals?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big states as also the + Government (and yet in service) and obtained a great deal of experience is + entirely willing to accept a respectable post either of a Companion or a + Household Controller or A.D.C."—<i>Indian Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Can this be TINO?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an undertaking that + nothing would be done to expend public money in this connection before the House + had had the opportunity of discussing the question?"—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the supporters of both + camps are curiously watching to see if they will now find themselves in hot + water."—<i>Liverpool Echo.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry, + dairy."—<i>Observer.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO LORD RHONDDA.</h2> + + <p>DEAR LORD RHONDDA,—When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius + College, spending your leisure-time in an eight- or a pair-oar, and stirring up the + muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I cannot believe that any + premonitions of the heights of celebrity to which you would some day attain + disturbed your mind. And yet here you are, a survivor from the foul and murderous + shattering of the <i>Lusitania</i>, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a + peer, and the Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.</p> + + <p>Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the post you + now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his tenure of it cannot + have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an infallible recipe for catching + sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning them into potatoes, or whatever might be + the fashionable food at the moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in + prices must be entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the + article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to grind—all + these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to their hands, and gave + him a time which can only be described as a very bad one. Add to this the mistakes + almost necessarily made by an office which was entirely new and dealt with + unexampled conditions, and it is not on the whole surprising that difficulties were + encountered and that the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed + there was or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord + DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words <i>maximum</i> and + <i>minimum</i> as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these Latin + monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.</p> + + <p>However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S place and + can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into the belief that all + is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to believe that if I tried for a + month of Sundays, and I don't mean to spend my time to no purpose. But I think the + great body of the nation is determined that you shall have fair play and will + support you through thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you + may recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of + food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to be led, we + are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for having engaged your + reputation and your skill and your firmness in the task of leading or driving us. + And if in the course of your duty you encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to + grind the faces of the poor or to find his own profit in the misery of his + fellow-men we look to you to give him short shrift.</p> + + <p>I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and faithful + Servant,</p> + + <p>THE GATE OF HUMILITY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/015-1.png"><img src="images/015-1.png" + width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + <i>Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting).</i> "NOW THEN, MY MAN, + DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"<br /> + <i>Recruit</i>. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE, AS YOU + MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired wheels)."—<i>Kentish + Mercury</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a sympathetic + fatigue.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Delirant Reges."</h3> + + <blockquote> + The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons,<br /> + Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons<br /> + Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields<br /> + Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields."<br /> + Perhaps; but what if he is down below?<br /> + In any case what we should like to know<br /> + Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz,<br /> + Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits<br /> + Because his Emperor has lost his wits.<br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>One of the "Illuminate."</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas connections."—<i>Montreal + Daily Star</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.</h3> + + <p>First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible fantasy + in mime—<i>The Magic Pipe</i>: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair, + sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE, who played + his own part, <i>Pierrot</i>, with a fine sincerity and a sense of the great + tradition in this <i>genre</i>, got his effect across to us with an admirable + directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly + sort of way (which is a very nice way), danced seriously, fantastically, + delightfully, and with quite astonishing command of her technique—the sort of + thing that nine infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would + condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been consoled by + the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I have a fancy that mime + would go far to restore sanity and tradition to the English stage, and every + creditable essay in a delightful art deserves the fullest support.</p> + + <p>It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three Acts + over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns (its theme) have + no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke was not the really serious + thing about <i>The Foundations</i>, a play that starts (some years hence) with a + mob of starving people yelling outside the house—dear, stupid, kindly <i>Lord + William Dromondy's</i> house. <i>Lord William</i> was a god of an infantry captain + in the great War, and his four footmen—particularly <i>James</i>, the first + of them—though revolutionaries at heart, are ready to stand between their + master and any other revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the + foundations of <i>Lord William's</i> Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed + laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act.</p> + + <p>The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited over. + But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as it was, was + diverting in the extreme.</p> + + <p>Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as black + as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to keep our end up in + the great War. But we know the customs of leopards, and can forgive our pessimist + for his creations (for all the world as if he were a milliner) of <i>Poulder, Lord + William's</i> butler, rounded pillar of the eternal old order of things; of + <i>James</i>, revolutionary but faithful (of course <i>James</i> never would in + fact have kept this absurd job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, + torrentially eloquent plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness + and the letting of the blood of all who were not kind.</p> + + <p>Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his head, as + is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is perhaps ungracious to + remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY PAXTON'S triumph with <i>Poulder</i> + was his admirable restraint—rarest of accomplishments among comic stage + butlers. The effect of everything was heightened by this excellent economy. It was + a lesson in artistic reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was + <i>The Press</i> of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good + deal more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I should put + it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD + has made a deserved reputation as the strong silly ass. He sustained it—with + something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S <i>James</i> was a quite excellent + performance, not very coherent and consistent in conception on the author's part, + perhaps, and on that account all the more difficult. Miss ESMÉ HUBBARD gave + us pathos skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman turned + trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite astonishing aptitude (or the + most wonderful training) in the part of her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also + did well with her rather intrusive part of <i>Lord William's</i> daughter.</p> + + <p><i>Box B</i>, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us home + easy-minded to bed. <i>Bobby Stroud</i>, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty (oh, ever + such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was + really perfectly irresistible—something ought to be done about it. She would + have reduced the whole Flying Corps to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had + just that air of awkward modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank + as an advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl with + all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little things.</p> + + <p>The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever so long + ago.</p> + + <p>T.</p> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/016-1.png"><img src="images/016-1.png" + width="33%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr. DAWSON MILWARD) to give + its views on things in general.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THERE USED TO BE——</h2> + + <blockquote> + There used to be fairies in Germany—<br /> + I know, for I've seen them there<br /> + In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood<br /> + With their heads high up in the air;<br /> + They scrambled about in the forest<br /> + And nobody seemed to mind;<br /> + They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings)<br /> + And they smiled and their eyes were kind.<br /> + <br /> + What, and oh what were they doing<br /> + To let things happen like this?<br /> + How could it be? And didn't they see<br /> + That folk were going amiss?<br /> + Were they too busy playing,<br /> + Or can they perhaps have slept,<br /> + That never they heard an ominous word<br /> + That stealthily crept and crept?<br /> + <br /> + There used to be fairies in Germany—<br /> + The children will look for them still;<br /> + They will search all about till the sunlight slips out<br /> + And the trees stand frowning and chill.<br /> + "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished,<br /> + And where can the fairies be fled<br /> + That played in the fern?"—The flowers will return,<br /> + But I fear that the fairies are dead.<br /> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Kaiser Lands in England.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never popular. Father + Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as chairman of the Assessment + Committee, was the most unpopular man in Plymouth except one, and the other one + was the Kaiser."—<i>Western Daily Mercury</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>Letter addressed to local Tribunal:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Dear Sirs,—The reason for my exemption has been removed and I shall be + glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy." + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/017-1.png"><img src="images/017-1.png" + width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND YOU CAN'T + CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?—AND OF COURSE YOU MUST + CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr. FIELDING-HALL'S + <i>The Way of Peace</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of reader that is drawing + plans in his head for a New England. No wonder that in these great days the + impatient idealist rushes forth with his bag of dreams. The author of <i>The Soul + of a People</i> is extreme but sane—an extremist in common sense, say. He + stakes on the fact of human solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and + crookednesses of politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he + is!); wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere + musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less ignorant; + good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit of government and of + fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as a plasmon-fed high-brow + proposition but as the natural expression of a joy of life returned; a clear fount + of honour; a representative House of Commons; justice, respect, common sense and + responsibility instead of charity; some place other than the streets for our young + men and maidens to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an + individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted against + the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible things. Here is not + the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of living citizenship. I commend + it to all believers in new days and all honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a + programme but as a tonic.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Do not, please, run away with the idea that <i>The Nursery</i> (HEINEMANN) + presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The background of his + story, the scenes of which are laid in and around Colchester a year or so ago, is + composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On these he gives a lot of information, and, + as he could not be pedantic even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the + store of knowledge set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing + with the War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant + novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of <i>The Nursery</i> I failed + to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr. PHILLPOTTS usually + succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his novels must know by this time + that he is not exactly in love with <i>Mrs. Grundy</i>, but here he seems to be + insurgent against something, and for the life of me I don't know quite what it is. + Perhaps it is insincerity, which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. + There is one very amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who + defied law and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered + justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is <i>William Ambrose</i>, and it is + worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM SMITH—the + discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder STEVENSON, and other + persons of discernment) for the romantic possibilities of the map. There is an + excellent map in the beginning of Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the + peculiar domain of childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win + your sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the heart of + the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of nursery life proclaims a + genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood faked up for literary ends. Who that + has once been young can read unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and + Contrivances," with its entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during + the providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery, down two + flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a reviewer whom + nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the possibility of this + delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks too—Mr. SMITH has + remembered them with a proper regard that is, of course, wholly different from that + of those who understand them only in their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved + for themselves alone, for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of + hoarding and barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps + that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent it as + betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door of which too many + of us have long lost the key.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>What I found strangest in the <i>Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis</i> (MURRAY) + is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about rogues, in which trickery + is invariably vanquished—a refreshing contrast to the methods of most of our + romanticists, who are given to a certain courtier-like attitude towards the + lawbreaker. Certainly that various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put + together a highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure + tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned, not with + bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers in the spurious + antique and the exploits of <i>Lord Louis</i> in defeating them. This <i>Lord + Louis</i> is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very ingenious gentleman. From the + rotundity of his conversational periods and a certain general suavity of demeanour + I suspect him of having made a careful study of the methods of his distinguished + predecessor in rogue-reducing, <i>Prince Florizel of Bohemia.</i> But he is, of + course, none the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, + in perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he—I can hardly bring myself to quote + the passage!—he "moistened his fingers and turned over three pages." And this + of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE! Having said so much, it is only + fair that I should call your special attention to one of the stories, "The House in + Bath," an exquisite little gem of considerably higher art than is usually + associated with such "Exploits of the Event."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as <i>Home Truths + about the War</i> (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so often been used + as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable statements that we have grown + excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this account the letters that the Rev. HUGH + CHAPMAN has here brought together would be to miss a very original and inspiring + little book. Let me say once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and + popular chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author) has + deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in letters, can + hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one side, and accepting these, + not as the letters that would be written from one man to another, but rather (to + speak without irreverence) such as the human heart might address to its Creator, + you will find them full of interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of + men and women are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for + these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The priest, the + actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the conscientious objector, are all + touched lightly, tactfully, and with a kindly humour that saves the book from its + very obvious danger of becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has + crystallised very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude + towards the War—buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality in + its pages that gives this little book its tonic value.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in <i>Early English Adventurers in the East</i> + (MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at any rate, of + the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual existence, but I tell myself + hopefully that my ignorance of those daring pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as + humble adventurers of the seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been + satisfactorily removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of + stirring deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for + rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And Mr. WRIGHT is + not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but also on the admirable way + in which he has performed it. A restrained style and a temperate judgment are + equally at his command. I cannot better commend his book to Imperialists than by + saying that all Little Englanders will detest it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>On internal evidence I had set down <i>Root and Branch</i> (ALLEN AND UNWIN), by + R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and observant writer of + the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page gives two previous novels to + her pen—I still guess a woman's hand. And I by no means withdraw the + "clever." The characterisation of the various members of the <i>Arenski</i> + family—the branches are better done than the root, old <i>Paul Arenski, + K.C.</i>, idealist and orator—is uncannily good. There's wit and humour and + diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first book" idea was an uncertainty of + method, a hesitation between the new realism and the older romanticism. In both + moods the author is successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, + however, is technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested, + approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the book, the + ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in killing, at her passionate + request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly dying of a terrible disease.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="figure"><a href="images/018-1.png"><img src="images/018-1.png" + width="66%" alt="Illustration" /></a><br /> + <i>Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a portrait + enlargement).</i> "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT SATISFIED.' I'M + <i>NOT</i> SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."<br /> + <i>The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)</i> "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MADAM; + BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT + SPECIFY <i>WHO</i> IS TO BE SATISFIED—AND I ASSURE YOU I <i>AM</i>."</p> +<pre class="pglegal"> +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. +1, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, VOL. 153, NO. 1 *** + +This file should be named 8p153a10h.htm or 8p153a10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p153a11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p153a10ah.htm + +Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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