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diff --git a/old/8p153a10.txt b/old/8p153a10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ebfd32 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p153a10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, Issue No. 1 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8643] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on July 29, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + +Vol. 153. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + +Punch 1917.07.04 + +[Illustration: VOL. CLIII] + + * * * * * + +MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES. + +The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper +spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him. + +"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG +himself. If it hadn't a-been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I +knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday. +He'd come round that there bend a-whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like +some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always +stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand. + +"I've seed ladies with their golf-clubs runnin' up from the club-house, +and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them +as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home +with your golf-clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I +went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you. + +"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what +couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old +woman a-goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and +eggs and onions--it were all just the same to little Billy. + +"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they +have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair +knocked over, and him so little and all. + +"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave. + +"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me--'Grandpa,' he says, +'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing +to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have +to get back to France again to see him.' + +"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns +it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him. + +"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment. +Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here +call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to +the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a +reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the +fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport +would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the +railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their +locomotives and rolling stock.' + +"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for +hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army +wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think +my Billy's in the paper." + + * * * * * + +THE MELTING-POT. + +["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection +of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM +THE FIRST."--_Reuter_.] + + Heavy is Armageddon's price + And loud the call to sacrifice; + All stuff composed of likely metals-- + Door-knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles-- + Into the War's insatiate melting-pot + Has to be shot. + + That was a hard and bitter blow + When first your church-bells had to go-- + Those saintly bells that rang carillons + While in the maw of happy millions + Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled + For babies killed. + + It hurt your Christian hearts to melt + A source of faith so keenly felt; + And now (worse sacrilege than that) you + Propose to take yon regal statue, + That godlike effigy, and make a gun + Of WILLIAM ONE! + + What will _He_ say when you reduce + His Relative to cannon-juice? + The prospect must be pretty rotten + If thus the Never-To-Be-Forgotten + Is treated, like the corpses of your friends, + For useful ends. + + I hear the ALL-HIGHEST mutter, "Ha! + They're liquefying Grandpapa! + The nation's needs, that grow acuter, + Count sacred things as so much pewter; + Even my holy crown may go some day + Down the red way!" + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +LE SÉNÉGALAIS. + +Samédou Kieta sat up in bed with a child's primer open before him. +"M--A," he spelled. Then, after an incredibly long time of patient +puzzling, "M--A--MA. Oui, MA. Y a bon!" and embraced the whole ward in +one wide white grin before turning to the next syllable, "M--A--N." Once +more the puzzled frown on the black face, once more the whispered hints +from neighbouring beds, once more the triumph of perseverance, +"M--A--N--MAN!" He was just enjoying his success and chanting his +pidgin-French paean of happiness, "Y a bon! Y a bon!" when Soeur +Antoinette paused by his bed. "Très bien, Sidi," she said, "mais il faut +les mettre ensemble," and with her white finger she guided his black one +back to the first syllable. + +Here was difficulty indeed! He knew all right that M--A--N was MAN, but +what was M--A? And when, after intense effort, he re-discovered that +M--A spelled MA, it was only to find that he had forgotten what M--A--N +spelled. At last the other wounded could contain themselves no longer, +and the ward was filled with laughing shouts of "Maman!" in which +Samédou joined most happily. + +Presently the English nurse passed the negro's bed, and he at once +turned to another branch of learning. "Good morning," he said, and, when +she smiled back a greeting to him, he added, "T'ank you," and looked +proudly round him at his fellow-patients as who should say, "See how we +understand one another, she and I!" + +During a sojourn of many months in the hospital Samédou invariably met +the sufferings he was called upon to endure with an uncomplaining +fortitude, which might have seemed due to insensibility had not the +staff had ample proof that his silence was the silence of a fine +courage. On one occasion a set of photographs of the hospital was in +preparation, and when the _salle de pansements_ had to be taken the +photographer decided that the best lay figure for his _mise-en-scène_ +would be a black man, as a striking contrast to the white raiment of the +staff. So Samédou was carried in on a stretcher and laid upon the table. +Unfortunately the surgeons and nurses were so occupied with the business +of placing things in the best light that no one realised that the poor +Senegalese did not understand the purpose of the preparations, and when +the English nurse was called to take up her position she noticed the +hands of Samédou Kieta clutching the sides of the table and his black +eyes rolling in a sea of white. + +She at once ran to the nearest ward. "Quelqu'un voudrait bien me prêter +une photographie?" she asked, and a dozen eager hands offered her the +treasured groups of _la famille_. Taking one at random she returned to +Samédou and held it before his eyes. "Nous aussi," she said, "toi, moi, +le Major, l'infirmier." + +Samédou looked, and a heavenly relief chased the tension from his face. +"Y a bon," he said happily. "Toi, bon camarade!" + +When his wounds began to be less painful the problem was how to keep the +Sidi in bed. No one cared to be very severe with him, so the staff +resorted to the usual weak method of confiscating all his clothes save a +shirt, and hoping for the best. But one day the English nurse, going +unexpectedly into a distant ward, came upon Samédou Kieta, simply +dressed in a single shirt and a bandage, visiting the freshly-arrived +wounded and scattering wide grins around him. At her horrified +exclamation he began to shrivel away towards the door, ushering himself +out with the propitiatory words, "Good morning. Good night. T'ank you. +Water!" A most effectual method of disarming reproof. + +Poor Samédou has since passed on to another hospital for electric +treatment, but the staff still treasures his first and only letter:-- + +"Moi, Samédou Kieta, arrivé à l'autre hôpital. Y a bon. Mais moi, +Samédou Kieta, toi pas oublié. Merci, Monsieur le Major deux +galons. Merci, Soeur Antoinette. Merci, Madame l'Anglaise. Y a bon. +Y a bon. Y a bon." + + * * * * * + + "The Germans have suffered 100,000 casualties in 10 days on the + western front, and their losses will increase rapidly. They must + shorten their lives wherever possible in order to save + men."--_Ceylon Morning Leader._ + +In this laudable endeavour they may count upon receiving the hearty +assistance of the Allies. + + * * * * * + + "Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school, + O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish + perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic, + horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing + undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid." + +If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will +hear of something that will just suit him. + + * * * * * + + "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm + at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what + some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday + considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts + are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at + Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists, + anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious + menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for +the roots. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.] + +MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN +WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD +WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR +TELLIN' ON ME." + + * * * * * + +THE ABSENTEE. + +(_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._) + + Methinks at last the time has come to speak ... + Since good old Russia up and revoluted + I have been waiting, week by weary week, + To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited; + But now I give it up; it will not come; + Or anyway I can no more be dumb. + + Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release-- + "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing," + Demos superbly potting at police, + And actual swords getting an actual outing-- + Came at the last, the things wherein you shone, + Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON? + + You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_! + Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you! + "All that lost riot that you did not share" + Managed, somehow, to get along without you; + When Russia "went to battle for the creed" + GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed! + + CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap! + Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy," + "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"? + Here were the days you looked upon as palmy. + Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord, + There is no word you work so hard as "sword." + + We looked to see you there, the stout and staunch, + "Red flag" in one hand and "ten swords" in t'other; + Saw the strong sword-belt bursting from your paunch; + Pitied the foes you'd fall upon and smother; + Heard you make droves of pale policemen bleat, + Running amok to "slay them in the street." + + Strong athwart Heav'n ran the high barricades, + And giant Bastilles reeled, impossibly smitten, + And men with broken hands swung thunderous blades + In "Russia's wrath"--just as you've often written; + Yea, the terrific tyrants really reeled, + While CHESTERTON sat safe at Beaconsfield. + + And yet--I understand; I don't impute + That only in your poems do you bicker; + You would abstain, when people revolute, + No more, I'm sure, than you'd abstain from liquor; + And here we have it--here's the reason why: + _This was a revolution that was "dry."_ + + * * * * * + +The Eagle's Plume. + + "The bride, who is an American by birth, was given away by her + feather."--_Liverpool Daily Post_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr., Mrs. and Miss ----, who were in their bungalow at Sidbar, had + a lucky escape from the earthquake recently, for no sooner had they + ot out than gpractically the whole house cae mdown."--_Pioneer + (Allahabad)_. + +On this occasion, contrary to the usual rule, Nature appears to have +been more careful of the individual than of the type. + + * * * * * + + "You, too, reader, if you have not already visited ----'s, have a + pleasant, bright happy experience before you. Why not visit this + modern Forum to-morrow?"--_"Callisthenes" in the evening papers, + June 23rd._ + +One of our reasons for not taking this well-meant advice was that June +24th was a Sunday. + + * * * * * + + "Great fires continue in Germany. The latest include gutting of the + Moabit Goods Station in Berlin wherein tanks of petrol, hydrogen, + _et cetera_, exploded, resulting in the destruction of a part of + Vilna and the township of Osjory near the Grodno conflagration + station and a basket factory at Happe."--_Ceylon Independent_. + +The effect of this remarkably extensive explosion seems to have been +felt even in Colombo. + + * * * * * + +WOMAN AS USUAL. + +(_In the manner of some of our own evening papers_.) + +It was with a real pang that I tore myself away from the Frugality +Exhibition, where the culinary demonstrations were most enthralling. +Just before leaving, however, I watched a wonderfully tasty hash being +compounded with oddments of rabbit and banana flour. It exhaled an aroma +which I hated to leave--even for luncheon at the Fitz. + +AT THE FITZ. + +By a strange coincidence I made the acquaintance of an admirable rabbit +_goulash_, which was, I believe, identical with that which I saw being +prepared at the Frugality Exhibition. Thus extremes meet, and the fusion +of classes is happily illustrated in the common use of the same +comestibles. + +There are always a number of people lunching in the great hotels in +these war-time days, and I was glad to see Lady Allchin, looking +remarkably well-nourished in a mauve Graeco-Roman dress and Gainsborough +hat; Lady Waterstock, Lord Hilary Sprockett and Sir Peter Frye-Smith. + +YESTERDAY'S WEDDING. + +Lady Carmilla Dunstable made a lovely bride at St. Mungo's, Belgravia, +yesterday, on her marriage to Prince Wurra-Wurra, of Tierra-del-Fuego. +The story of the engagement is wildly romantic. Lady Carmilla was +returning from Peru, where she had been hunting armadillos; the ship in +which she was travelling was wrecked in the Straits of Magellan, and she +was rescued by Prince Wurra-Wurra, who was casually cruising about in +his catamaran. Her family were for some time hostile to the match, but +all objections were soon removed, as the Prince has abjured cannibalism +and is now an uncompromising vegetarian. The bridegroom, who is a +fine-looking man of the prognathous type, was loudly cheered by the +crowd on leaving the church. + +A CHARMING CONCERT. + +All true melomaniacs will rejoice to hear that the Signora Balmi-Dotti +has decided to give another vocal recital at the Dorian Hall. Her +programme as usual reflects her catholic and cosmopolitan taste, for she +will sing not only Welsh and Cornish folk-songs, but works by +PALESTRINA, Gasolini, Larranaga, Sparafucile, and the young American +composer, Ploffskin Jee, so that both classical and modern masters will +be represented. + +TWO RECIPES FOR TEA CAKES. + +The FOOD CONTROLLER looks askance at teas in these days, but in hot +weather, when luncheon is reduced to the lowest common denominator and +dinner resolves itself into a cold collation in the cool of the evening, +some refreshment between our second and third meals is indispensable. I +accordingly give two recipes which need no wheaten flour and are very +quickly made. + +Take half-a-pound of sugar, a quarter of caviare, a quarter of calipash, +a quarter of millet and six peaches. Beat the caviare to a cream and +pound the peaches to a pulp; then add the sugar and millet and stir +vigorously with a mirliton. Put into patty-pans and bake gently for +about thirty minutes in an electric silo-oven. About thirty cakes should +result; but more will materialize if you increase the ingredients +proportionately. + +Take two kilowatts of ammoniated quinine and beat up with one very large +egg--a swan's for choice. Add gradually ten ounces of piperazine, a pint +of Harrogate water and inhale leisurely through a zoetrope. + +MÉLISANDE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_Extract from Hun airman's report_. "WE DROPPED BOMBS ON A BRITISH +FORMATION, CAUSING THE TROOPS TO DISPERSE AND RUN ABOUT IN A +PANIC-STRICKEN MANNER." + + * * * * * + +The New Plutocracy. + + "Munition Lady wants to buy Piano and Wardrobe; cash."--_North + Star._ + + * * * * * + + "Goats' cheese is tasty and nourishing and more easily made than + butter; and in winter time the humblest of sheds will suffice for + its sleeping place."--_Daily Mail._ + +The cheese should however be carefully tethered. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON +GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in +Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE. + +*** + +Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises +that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be +permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as +"Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz--are you--ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc., +etc., will no longer be allowed. + +*** + +The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to +explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is +already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere. + +*** + +Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week +obtained a divorce. + +*** + +A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of +which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very +unlucky to be buried on a Sunday. + +*** + +No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat +with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar? + +*** + +A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can +be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious +plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise +like a German. + +*** + +The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady +of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and +take a note or two. + +*** + +Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord +RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features +last week. + +*** + +"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other +day, just as if he were a High Court Judge. + +*** + +An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that +the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said +as to how this happy idea originated. + +*** + +Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held +between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most +suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work. + +*** + +At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of +cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector. + +*** + +We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed +8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the +story that he thought it was much larger than this. + +*** + +Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the +Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must +have been leading a double, or even treble, life. + +*** + +Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country +by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the +effect that "Honesty is the best policy." + +*** + +In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been +set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his +mid-monthly lunch. + +*** + +Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears +a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major, +it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible +accident he had when a boy. + +*** + +A correspondent in _Folk Lore_ declares that the hedgehog is, after all, +a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any +comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win +on points. + +*** + +Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that +the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy +coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial +operations. + +*** + +The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in +parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been +experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions +of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they +were confined. + +*** + +"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot +speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh." +Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently +like Welsh. + +*** + +The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main +difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is +questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very +rarely able to get as much as they can carry. + +*** + +The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be +under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as +exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business +from the Isle of Wight. + + * * * * * + +RUINED RAPTURE. + + Through many a busy year of peace + I hoped some day, by way of beano, + To give myself a jaunt in Greece, + Famed land of HOMER (also TINO). + Full oft I dreamed how, blest by Fate, + I'd loll within some leafy hollow + With Aphrodite _téte-a-téte_ + Or barter back-chat with Apollo. + + Around Olympus' foot I'd roam + (Not being really fond of climbing), + Absorb romance and carry home + Increased facility at rhyming; + Those hallowed haunts of many a god + That nowadays we only read of + Would give my Pegasus the prod + He not unseldom stood in need of. + + That was in Peace. And then the War + Sent me to learn within a hutment + What martial duties held in store + And what a sergeant-major's "Tut" meant; + + Thence to the trenches, thence a rest, + A route-march to a wayside station, + With (every single soldier guessed) + Greece as our "unknown destination." + + I saw Olympus wrapped in snow, + The clouds at rest upon its summit, + But did I thrill or long to throw + My hands athwart the lyre and strum it? + Gazing, I felt no soulful throb, + I only felt the body's inner + Cravings and said, "I 'll bet a bob + It's bully once again for dinner." + + * * * * * + + "Ex-King Constantino has bought a magnificent chateau called + Chartreuse, situated near Thun Castle. It belonged to Baron von + Zadlitz, a German officer, who is now in the field, and has been + empty since the beginning of the war."--_Evening Paper_. + +Well, he will be able to fill himself up on the proceeds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LEAVE-WANGLER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?" + +_Tommy._ "C 6." + + * * * * * + +HAY FEVER. + + That is the twenty-seventh time to-day! + What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray? + What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes? + There _is_ no anodyne for this disease-- + Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please-- + A-tish-oo! + + The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose; + But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose. + For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee! + Your sweetest blooms are misery to me; + And as for that condemned acacia-tree-- + A-tish-oo! + + Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep, + In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep; + Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes, + Who simply revel in the longest grasses, + While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses-- + A-tish-oo! + + Fain would I spend my summers high in air; + At least there are no privet-hedges there. + But even then I have no doubt the smell + From slopes celestial of asphodel + Would fill the firmament and give me hell-- + A-tish-oo! + + They tell me 'tis the man of intellect + The baneful seeds especially affect; + And I that sneeze one million times a year-- + I ought to have a notable career, + Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear-- + A-tish-oo! + + Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain + Would I concede my fine but fatal brain, + Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray + Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay, + And not explode in this exhausting way-- + A-tish-oo! + + * * * * * + +Wanted, a Faith-healer. + + Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and + wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital, + suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information + may be of some value, + + Yours faithfully, ---- + + * * * * * + + "It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy, + with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six + years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_. + +The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it. + + * * * * * + + "MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ---- + Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially + erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_). + +This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin, +"conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and +Glasnevin Cemetery." + + * * * * * + + "Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up + adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes. + + A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had + wooed and won her so long ago. + + Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey + eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will +finish with two black eyes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAVING OF THE RACE.] + +["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The +object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the +care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will +be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an +added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost +of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer, +National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of +Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR, +who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation +in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the +Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal +with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is +that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason +of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the +apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of +freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages." + +The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT +HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best +definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for +over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse +on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted +to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY, +delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty +years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless +pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat. + +At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good +Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the +Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at +Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the +future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he +asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of +the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his +questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such +action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly +transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was +hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr. +LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent +length and accuracy. + +_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord +STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids, +and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities. +Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as +the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY +would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation +engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in +bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved. + +[Illustration: THE RIVALS. MR. BRACE. SIR ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE.] + +After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has +decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid +would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr. +CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of +St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN +should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact, +declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry. + +[Illustration: A FIRM CHIN IN ANNIE'S DEFENCE. COMMANDER WEDGWOOD.] + +Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the +store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at +Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs. +ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have +imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand, +is less Besant and more Rice. + +Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there +is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those +who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL +and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious +grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in +resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a +statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person +could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's +lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having +deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to +inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House +thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority. + +_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that +membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse +for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is +erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared +unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER, +may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to +certain potential heroes. + +_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is +to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects +him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR +represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story +of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action +the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no +action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have +been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S +own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that +everything in it would bear publication. + +Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his +letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd +to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME +SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without +trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY. +There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans. +Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them. + +The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the +wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of +listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of +this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the +orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights +of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily +endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?" + +"YES, DEAR." + +"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?" + + * * * * * + + "You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The + Exile's Lament, + 'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary, + Where we sat side by side.'" + --_Canadian Courier._ + +No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady +DUFFERIN wrote something very like it. + + * * * * * + +A RESOLUTION. + + I'll tell you what I mean to do + When these our wars shall cease to rage: + I'll go where Summer skies are blue + And Spring enjoys her heritage; + I shall not work for fame or wage, + But wear a large black silk cravat, + A velvet coat that's grey with age + Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat. + + I'll journey to some Tuscan town + And rent a palace for a song, + And all the walls I'll whitewash down + Some day when I am feeling strong; + And there I'll pass my days among + My books, and, when my reading palls + And Summer days are overlong, + I'll daub up frescoes on the walls. + + The world may go her divers ways + The while I draw or write or smoke, + Happy to live laborious days + There among simple painter folk; + To wed the olive and the oak, + Most patiently to woo the Muse, + And wear a great big Tuscan cloak + To guard against the heavy dews. + + Between the olive and the vine + I'll make heroic mock of Mars, + And drink at even golden wine + Kept cool in terra-cotta jars; + And afterwards harangue the stars + In little gems of fervid speech, + And smoke impossible cigars + Which cost at least three _soldi_ each. + + Let more ambitious spirits spin + The web of life for weal or woe, + Whilst I above my violin + Shall sit and watch the vale below + All crimson in the afterglow; + And when the patient stars grow bright + I'll draw across the strings my bow + Till Chopin ushers in the night. + + Such things as these I mean to do + When Peace once more resumes her sway; + To walk barefooted through the dew + And while the sunlit hours away, + If haply I may find some gay + Conceit to light a sombre mind, + As gracious as a Summer day, + As wayward as an April wind. + + * * * * * + +A Legitimate Inference. + + "FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property + clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_. + + * * * * * + + "The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and + hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to + seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going + on."--_Egyptian Mail_. + +The authorities seem to be living up to their title. + + * * * * * + +THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS. + +A CONTRAST. + +I. + +My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect +control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds +palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the +servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War +came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been +exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X. +gone his uncomplaining way for years. + +But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and +purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted +were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a +receding taxi. + +Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free. +"Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in +life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the +storm should have passed. + +His eyes were still fixed. + +After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain. + +"I could have killed that fellow," he said. + +"What fellow?" + +"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look +at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me. +Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they +don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't +believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention +whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I +swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I +had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails +another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication. +It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like +that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number +I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary. +Such men--ugh!" + +He broke down, smothered by righteous anger. + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken +his number!" + +II. + +The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _débris_ of +a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away. +The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best +friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now +taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or +less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of +whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say +how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become. + +One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud +laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!" +signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere +with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was +tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services, +he was at my disposal. + +The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in +the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of +the chase. + +At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a +young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise +covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al +Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life +to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi +tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the +lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to +go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the +cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end +insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and +had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on +elsewhere. + +All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be +true? Could it? + +And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank +you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally +burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember. + +How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and +look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box! + +III. + +So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones +are more difficult to get hold of. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE +TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!" + + * * * * * + +Caveat Emptor. + + "Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet. + Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for + removal."--_The Statesman (India)._ + +This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to +change its spot. + + * * * * * + + "There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom. + This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen + weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._ + +May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the +staffs of other journals? + + * * * * * + + "One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big + states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a + great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a + respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller + or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._ + +Can this be TINO? + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an + undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in + this connection before the House had had the opportunity of + discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._ + +Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL. + + * * * * * + + "It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the + supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will + now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._ + +We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region. + + * * * * * + + "Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry, + dairy."--_Observer._ + +This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with. + + * * * * * + +TO LORD RHONDDA. + +DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius +College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and +stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I +cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to +which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you +are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the +_Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the +Food-Controller of a whole nation at war. + +Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the +post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his +tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an +infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning +them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the +moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be +entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the +article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to +grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to +their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very +bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office +which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is +not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that +the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was +or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord +DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_ +and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these +Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another. + +However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S +place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into +the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to +believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to +spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is +determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through +thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may +recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of +food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to +be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for +having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the +task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you +encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor +or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you +to give him short shrift. + +I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and +faithful Servant, + +THE GATE OF HUMILITY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY +MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?" + +_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE, +AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF." + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired + wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_. + +Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a +sympathetic fatigue. + + * * * * * + +"Delirant Reges." + + The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons, + Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons + Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields + Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields." + Perhaps; but what if he is down below? + In any case what we should like to know + Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz, + Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits + Because his Emperor has lost his wits. + + * * * * * + +One of the "Illuminate." + + "Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas + connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL. + +First a quite charming and, what is not so usual, a quite intelligible +fantasy in mime--_The Magic Pipe_: Pierrot, faithless mistress, despair, +sympathetic friend, adoring midinette, and so on. But Mr. JULES DELACRE, +who played his own part, _Pierrot_, with a fine sincerity and a sense of +the great tradition in this _genre_, got his effect across to us with an +admirable directness. Miss PHYLLIS PINSON looking charming in a +mid-Victorian Latin-Quarterly sort of way (which is a very nice way), +danced seriously, fantastically, delightfully, and with quite +astonishing command of her technique--the sort of thing that nine +infallible managers out of ten who know what the public wants would +condemn out of hand as impossible. The intelligent tenth must have been +consoled by the enthusiastic applause which greeted the little piece. I +have a fancy that mime would go far to restore sanity and tradition to +the English stage, and every creditable essay in a delightful art +deserves the fullest support. + +It is amusing to see our solemn Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY in labour for three +Acts over a rude joke. I frankly confess I enjoyed the joke. Cisterns +(its theme) have no terrors for me even in mixed company. But the joke +was not the really serious thing about _The Foundations_, a play that +starts (some years hence) with a mob of starving people yelling outside +the house--dear, stupid, kindly _Lord William Dromondy's_ house. _Lord +William_ was a god of an infantry captain in the great War, and his four +footmen--particularly _James_, the first of them--though revolutionaries +at heart, are ready to stand between their master and any other +revolutionaries in London town. Well, a bomb is found in the foundations +of _Lord William's_ Park Lane palace, and explodes to embarrassed +laughter of shocked stall-holders in the Third Act. + +The plot's nothing, and the main joke, as I say, nothing to get excited +over. But the whole effect of the tremendous trifle, admirably cast as +it was, was diverting in the extreme. + +Of course it is like our Mr. GALSWORTHY to assume that things will be as +black as ever a few years hence. 'Tis, no doubt, what encourages us to +keep our end up in the great War. But we know the customs of leopards, +and can forgive our pessimist for his creations (for all the world as if +he were a milliner) of _Poulder, Lord William's_ butler, rounded pillar +of the eternal old order of things; of _James_, revolutionary but +faithful (of course _James_ never would in fact have kept this absurd +job); of a light yellow pressman; of a feckless, torrentially eloquent +plumber, whose solution of the class war was loving-kindness and the +letting of the blood of all who were not kind. + +Mr. EADIE was a beloved vagabond of a plumber doing a fine part on his +head, as is his way nowadays. But the thing is so good that it is +perhaps ungracious to remind him he could make it better. Mr. SIDNEY +PAXTON'S triumph with _Poulder_ was his admirable restraint--rarest of +accomplishments among comic stage butlers. The effect of everything was +heightened by this excellent economy. It was a lesson in artistic +reticence. An even more notable feat in the same kind was _The Press_ +of Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY. Obviously he could have collected a good deal +more of the laughter of the house if he had played less subtly. I +should put it as quite the best piece of playing in a well-played +piece. Mr. DAWSON MILWARD has made a deserved reputation as the strong +silly ass. He sustained it--with something in hand. Mr. STEPHEN EWART'S +_James_ was a quite excellent performance, not very coherent and +consistent in conception on the author's part, perhaps, and on that +account all the more difficult. Miss ESMÉ HUBBARD gave us pathos +skilfully reserved in her clever study of an old, old countrywoman +turned trousers-maker; and little DINKA STARACE showed quite +astonishing aptitude (or the most wonderful training) in the part of +her granddaughter. Miss BABS FARREN also did well with her rather +intrusive part of _Lord William's_ daughter. + +_Box B_, by Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX, was just a gay trifle to send us +home easy-minded to bed. _Bobby Stroud_, Zepp-strafer, kisses a pretty +(oh, ever such a pretty!) widow by mistake. And continues by +arrangement. Miss IRIS HOEY was really perfectly irresistible--something +ought to be done about it. She would have reduced the whole Flying Corps +to dereliction of duty. Mr. FRANK BAYLY had just that air of awkward +modesty which is so much more effective than plain swank as an +advertisement of gallantry, and Miss MURIEL POPE played a programme-girl +with all the skill that an artist thinks is worth putting into little +things. + +The best evening that I've had in the stalls since the War began ever +so long ago. + +T. + +[Illustration: The Press (Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY) invites The Nobility (Mr. +DAWSON MILWARD) to give its views on things in general.] + + * * * * * + +THERE USED TO BE-- + + There used to be fairies in Germany-- + I know, for I've seen them there + In a great cool wood where the tall trees stood + With their heads high up in the air; + They scrambled about in the forest + And nobody seemed to mind; + They were dear little things (tho' they didn't have wings) + And they smiled and their eyes were kind. + + What, and oh what were they doing + To let things happen like this? + How could it be? And didn't they see + That folk were going amiss? + Were they too busy playing, + Or can they perhaps have slept, + That never they heard an ominous word + That stealthily crept and crept? + + There used to be fairies in Germany-- + The children will look for them still; + They will search all about till the sunlight slips out + And the trees stand frowning and chill. + "The flowers," they will say, "have all vanished, + And where can the fairies be fled + That played in the fern?"--The flowers will return, + But I fear that the fairies are dead. + + * * * * * + +The Kaiser Lands in England. + + "A disturbance of rates (when it tends to raise them) is never + popular. Father Barry remarked yesterday that Mr. Underhill, as + chairman of the Assessment Committee, was the most unpopular man in + Plymouth except one, and the other one was the Kaiser."--_Western + Daily Mercury_. + + * * * * * + +Letter addressed to local Tribunal:-- + + "Dear Sirs,--The reason for my exemption has been removed and I + shall be glad to join your army if there is still a vacancy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet). "AND IF YOU FIND +YOU CAN'T CURE HIM, DOCTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT HIM OUT OF PAIN?--AND OF +COURSE YOU MUST CHARGE ME JUST AS FOR AN ORDINARY PATIENT." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +I should like to commend with extraordinarily little reserve Mr. +FIELDING-HALL'S _The Way of Peace_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) to the kind of +reader that is drawing plans in his head for a New England. No wonder +that in these great days the impatient idealist rushes forth with his +bag of dreams. The author of _The Soul of a People_ is extreme but +sane--an extremist in common sense, say. He stakes on the fact of human +solidarity as the cure for the bitternesses and crookednesses of +politics; declares life and men to be good, not evil (how right he is!); +wants an England rescued from the Puritans on the one hand and the mere +musical comedians on the other; an England chaste because freer, less +ignorant; good beer in easeful inns; the village or township as the unit +of government and of fellowship; a return to music and the dance, not as +a plasmon-fed high-brow proposition but as the natural expression of a +joy of life returned; a clear fount of honour; a representative House of +Commons; justice, respect, common sense and responsibility instead of +charity; some place other than the streets for our young men and maidens +to make love in; a recognition of crime as mainly a social, not an +individual, disease; a law simplified and scales of justice not weighted +against the poor; and a host of other good and wise and nearly possible +things. Here is not the barren politics of manipulation but an ideal of +living citizenship. I commend it to all believers in new days and all +honourable disgruntlers; not perhaps as a programme but as a tonic. + + * * * * * + +Do not, please, run away with the idea that _The Nursery_ (HEINEMANN) +presents us with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' views on baby culture. The +background of his story, the scenes of which are laid in and around +Colchester a year or so ago, is composed of gardens and oyster-beds. On +these he gives a lot of information, and, as he could not be pedantic +even if he tried to be, I browsed pleasantly upon the store of knowledge +set before me. Also I liked the restraint he shows in dealing with the +War, and commend his exemplary method to some of our more blatant +novelists. When, however, I came to the inhabitants of _The Nursery_ I +failed to find in them that rare and delightful quality with which Mr. +PHILLPOTTS usually succeeds in endowing his characters. Readers of his +novels must know by this time that he is not exactly in love with _Mrs. +Grundy_, but here he seems to be insurgent against something, and for +the life of me I don't know quite what it is. Perhaps it is insincerity, +which is a very good thing to be in rebellion against. There is one very +amusing and delightful character, a bibulous old sinner who defied law +and order and almost at the last gasp ladled out what he considered +justice in a most dramatic manner. His name is _William Ambrose_, and it +is worth your while to make his disreputable acqaintance. + + * * * * * + +One fact at once awakened in me a fellow-feeling for Mr. BERTRAM +SMITH--the discovery of his appreciation (shared by myself, the elder +STEVENSON, and other persons of discernment) for the romantic +possibilities of the map. There is an excellent map in the beginning of +Days of Discovery (CONSTABLE), showing the peculiar domain of +childhood, the garden, in terms that will hardly fail to win your +sympathy. But not in this alone does Mr. SMITH show that he has the +heart of the matter in him; every page of these reminiscences of +nursery life proclaims a genuine memory, not a make-believe childhood +faked up for literary ends. Who that has once been young can read +unstirred by envy the chapter on "Devices and Contrivances," with its +entrancing triumph of the chain of mirrors arranged (during the +providential absence of those in authority) from the night nursery, +down two flights of stairs, to the store-room in the basement? I know a +reviewer whom nothing, but moral cowardice restrained from testing the +possibility of this delightful plan by personal experiment. Fireworks +too--Mr. SMITH has remembered them with a proper regard that is, of +course, wholly different from that of those who understand them only in +their pyrotechnic aspect, not as objects loved for themselves alone, +for their shape and feel, and the glamour of weeks of hoarding and +barter. In short, a real nursery book for the study; not one perhaps +that actual children would care for (quite possibly they might resent +it as betrayal), but one that for the less fortunate will reopen a door +of which too many of us have long lost the key. + + * * * * * + +What I found strangest in the _Transactions of Lord Louis Lewis_ +(MURRAY) is that it is a story, or rather series of stories, about +rogues, in which trickery is invariably vanquished--a refreshing +contrast to the methods of most of our romanticists, who are given to a +certain courtier-like attitude towards the lawbreaker. Certainly that +various artist, Mr. ROLAND PERTWEE, has contrived to put together a +highly entertaining collection of diamond-cut-diamond yarns, adventure +tales that have the great advantage (for these days) of being concerned, +not with bloodshed and mysterious murders, but with the wiles of dealers +in the spurious antique and the exploits of _Lord Louis_ in defeating +them. This _Lord Louis_ is indeed a very pleasant as well as a very +ingenious gentleman. From the rotundity of his conversational periods +and a certain general suavity of demeanour I suspect him of having made +a careful study of the methods of his distinguished predecessor in +rogue-reducing, _Prince Florizel of Bohemia._ But he is, of course, none +the worse company for that. Once, however, he shocked me badly, when, in +perusing an eighteenth-century MS., he--I can hardly bring myself to +quote the passage!--he "moistened his fingers and turned over three +pages." And this of a nobleman and a connoisseur! Oh, Mr. PERTWEE! +Having said so much, it is only fair that I should call your special +attention to one of the stories, "The House in Bath," an exquisite +little gem of considerably higher art than is usually associated with +such "Exploits of the Event." + + * * * * * + +You might perhaps allow yourself to be put off by such a title as _Home +Truths about the War_ (ALLEN), because it, or something like it, has so +often been used as the preliminary to alarming or disagreeable +statements that we have grown excusably suspicious. But to avoid on this +account the letters that the Rev. HUGH CHAPMAN has here brought together +would be to miss a very original and inspiring little book. Let me say +once that Mr. CHAPMAN (whom you may know is energetic and popular +chaplain of the Savoy; also as already, under a pseudonym, an author) +has deliberately essayed the impossible. Self-revelation, especially in +letters, can hardly ever be made convincing. But putting this on one +side, and accepting these, not as the letters that would be written from +one man to another, but rather (to speak without irreverence) such as +the human heart might address to its Creator, you will find them full of +interest and encouragement. All sorts and conditions of men and women +are here shown, in their varied reaction to the great acid that for +these three years past has been biting into the life of the world. The +priest, the actor, the profiteer, the society-woman, even the +conscientious objector, are all touched lightly, tactfully, and with a +kindly humour that saves the book from its very obvious danger of +becoming pedantic. In his brief preface Mr. CHAPMAN has crystallised +very happily into a couple of words his ideal for the British attitude +towards the War--buoyant sternness. It is the reflection of that quality +in its pages that gives this little book its tonic value. + + * * * * * + +Mr. ARNOLD WRIGHT'S main work in _Early English Adventurers in the East_ +(MELROSE) has been that of making good. Most of us know something, at +any rate, of the men who brought our Eastern Empire into actual +existence, but I tell myself hopefully that my ignorance of those daring +pioneers, whom Mr. WRIGHT describes as humble adventurers of the +seventeenth century, is not exceptional. It has now been satisfactorily +removed, and, after reading this excellently written history of stirring +deeds, I must believe that even men of learning will thank him for +rescuing many good names from the oblivion which threatened them. And +Mr. WRIGHT is not only to be congratulated on this act of salvage, but +also on the admirable way in which he has performed it. A restrained +style and a temperate judgment are equally at his command. I cannot +better commend his book to Imperialists than by saying that all Little +Englanders will detest it. + + * * * * * + +On internal evidence I had set down _Root and Branch_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN), +by R. ALLATINI, as the very clever first book of a very clever and +observant writer of the (alleged) weaker sex. But I find the title-page +gives two previous novels to her pen--I still guess a woman's hand. And +I by no means withdraw the "clever." The characterisation of the various +members of the _Arenski_ family--the branches are better done than the +root, old _Paul Arenski, K.C._, idealist and orator--is uncannily good. +There's wit and humour and diversity of gifts. What suggested the "first +book" idea was an uncertainty of method, a hesitation between the new +realism and the older romanticism. In both moods the author is +successful, but the joints show something clumsily. This, however, is +technical merely. I commend the book to all who are interested, +approvingly or critically, in the Jew. A dramatic theme runs through the +book, the ethical question as to whether a man may be justified in +killing, at her passionate request, a woman dearly loved who is slowly +dying of a terrible disease. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_Angry Customer (who has been induced by an advertisement to purchase a +portrait enlargement)._ "YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SAYS, 'MONEY RETURNED IF NOT +SATISFIED.' I'M _NOT_ SATISFIED, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK." + +_The Eureka Portrait Company (placidly)_ "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE +IT, MADAM; BUT IF YOU WILL READ THE ADVERTISEMENT CAREFULLY YOU WILL +NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT SPECIFY _WHO_ IS TO BE SATISFIED--AND I ASSURE +YOU I _AM_." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, 1917.07.04, Vol. 153, +Issue No. 1, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, 1917.07.04, V153, NO. 1 *** + +This file should be named 8p153a10.txt or 8p153a10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p153a11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p153a10a.txt + +Produced by Jon Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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