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diff --git a/8167.txt b/8167.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..79a37ef --- /dev/null +++ b/8167.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4914 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II., by Francois Rabelais + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8167] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK II. *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS + + +FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF + +GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + + +Book II. + + +Translated into English by + +Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + +and + +Peter Antony Motteux + + + + +The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the +first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' +are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the +translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in +1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. +Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as +the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from +the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. + + + + +THE SECOND BOOK. + + + +For the Reader. + +The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by +the title of 'Rablophila', premised to the first book of this translation, +being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published +(as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities +in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant +subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator's, at the +desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of +skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their +fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more, +thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for +satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that, +therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be +imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the +latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford +complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting +what was recommended to their discretion. This is hoped will suffice to +assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise of the translator's, +whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest +rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence +dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any +complacency in the disparagement of another. + +Again. + +The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of +this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it +comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and +wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of +any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen +hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech +that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year +1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were +constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to +be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder +faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a +person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house +garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at +London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest +entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his +inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised, +besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer +up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other +three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the +plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath +already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby +he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing +too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent +undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the +said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by +him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in +the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not +either read them or heard of them. + + + +Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais. + +If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice +T' extol an author's worth above the skies, +Thou certainly for both must praised be: +I know it; for thy judgment hath in the +Contexture of this book set down such high +Contentments, mingled with utility, +That (as I think) I see Democritus +Laughing at men as things ridiculous. + Insist in thy design; for, though we prove + Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above. + + + +The Author's Prologue. + +Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who +willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and +honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and +understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty giant +Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be +true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with +them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long +stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of +great praise and sempiternal memory. And I do heartily wish that every man +would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor +trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend +this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else, +until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of +printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should +perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver +them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious +cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky +loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these +little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions of +Justinian. + +I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going +a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not +encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course, +or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings, +perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have +been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort +unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to +relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua. There are others in +the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being +much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon +physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no +more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of +linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that +smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise +called doribus. + +But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and +the gout? O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were +anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the +keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of +little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed +from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have +driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then? All their +consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them. +And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of +old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement +of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a +purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find +their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is read unto them. Is +this nothing? Find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science +whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I +will be content to pay you a quart of tripes. No, my masters, no; it is +peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for +ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. And those that will +pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers, +predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people. It is very true +that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high +estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are +reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William +without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not +comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by +infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath +received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of +them in two months' time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years. + +I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace +and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book +of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of +credit than the other was. For think not, unless you wilfully will err +against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law. I +was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or +affirm a thing for true that was not. I speak of it like a lusty frolic +onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an +ass's braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire crotte, +croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of +protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the martyrized lovers, and +croquenotary of love. Quod vidimus, testamur. It is of the horrible and +dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have +been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by his leave I am +permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there +be alive. + +And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a +hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case +that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like +manner, St. Anthony's fire burn you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the +squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss +you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of +wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver, +enter into your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you +fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly +believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle. + + + + +THE SECOND BOOK. + + + +Chapter 2.I. + +Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel. + +It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to +put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto +us the good Pantagruel. For I see that all good historiographers have thus +handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins, +but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You must therefore +remark that at the beginning of the world--I speak of a long time; it is +above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the +supputation of the ancient Druids--a little after that Abel was killed by +his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one +year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to +us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath +been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a +bushel. In it the kalends were found by the Grecian almanacks. There was +that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle +of August was in May. In the month of October, as I take it, or at least +September, that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was +the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three +Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years, +called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped and stumbled a +little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming +right upon him to arrest him: and the moon varied from her course above +five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the +firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade, +leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named +Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the +Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and +matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in +them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have +reached thither. + +However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily +eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious. +But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound, +and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that +nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which +they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he +was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and +women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit, +but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell +upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in +the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly +strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, Ventrem +omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades. And of this +race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday (Pansart, Mardigras.). Others +did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that +they were therefore called Montifers, which is as much to say as +Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and +degrees. Of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds +you have in writing. Some other puffs did swell in length by the member +which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew +marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the +antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it +five or six times about their waist: but if it happened the foresaid +member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the +wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken +them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring +or tilting whintam (quintain). Of these, believe me, the race is utterly +lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually +that there are none extant now of those great, &c. You know the rest of +the song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three +of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat. +From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in +codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. Others grew in the +legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the +reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or +else men walking upon stilts or scatches. The little grammar-school boys, +known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in +allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg. In others, +their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in +every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of +crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with +thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have +you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the physician of +Angiers. Of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of +them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice. Naso and Ovid had +their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne +reminiscaris. Others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one +would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and +a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with +a Spanish cloak: and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet. +Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them +Pantagruel. + +And the first was Chalbroth, +Who begat Sarabroth, +Who begat Faribroth, +Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned + in the time of the flood; +Who begat Nembroth, +Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling; +Who begat Goliah, +Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain; +Who begat Titius, +Who begat Eryon, +Who begat Polyphemus, +Who begat Cacus, +Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking + fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth; +Who begat Enceladus, +Who begat Ceus, +Who begat Tiphaeus, +Who begat Alaeus, +Who begat Othus, +Who begat Aegeon, +Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands; +Who begat Porphyrio, +Who begat Adamastor, +Who begat Anteus, +Who begat Agatho, +Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great; +Who begat Aranthas, +Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of + healths; +Who begat Goliah of Secondille, +Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the + barrel-head; +Who begat Artachaeus, +Who begat Oromedon, +Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are + open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet; +Who begat Sisyphus, +Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born; +Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of + taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands; +Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France + and Roland's comrade; +Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with + spectacles; +Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of + him was born Ferragus, +Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of + neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted + them as they do now gammons of bacon; +Who begat Bolivorax, +Who begat Longis, +Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of + the service or sorb-apple-tree; +Who begat Maschefain, +Who begat Bruslefer, +Who begat Angoulevent, +Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons; +Who begat Mirelangaut, +Who begat Gallaffre, +Who begat Falourdin, +Who begat Roboast, +Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres, +Who begat Brushant of Mommiere, +Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of + France; +Who begat Mabrun, +Who begat Foutasnon, +Who begat Haquelebac, +Who begat Vitdegrain, +Who begat Grangousier, +Who begat Gargantua, +Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master. + +I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves, +and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible +that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the +world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with him in the +ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted. Doubtless the demand is +well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is +not rightly caulked. And because I was not at that time to tell you +anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the +Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact +Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within +the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat +astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as +little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of +Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his hackney the great +murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and +pleasant amble without all question. + +In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with +his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned +it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. Those that were +within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very +thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them. And sometimes they did +talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of +Lucian. Have you understood all this well? Drink then one good draught +without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do I not, quoth she. + + + +Chapter 2.II. + +Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel. + +Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat +his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of +the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully +great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of +the world without thus suffocating his mother. But that we may fully +understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his +baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so +great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and +six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more +without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched +and withered by it. Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in +the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be +seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it. The grass was without verdure +or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor +fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and +crying upon the ground most horribly. The birds did fall down from the air +for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them. The wolves, foxes, +harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers, +and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths +open. In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay +out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours. Many did throw +themselves into the wells. Others entered within a cow's belly to be in +the shade; those Homer calls Alibants. All the country was idle, and could +do no virtue. It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of +mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific +drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the +churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel +of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to +take above one lick. Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have +seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the +distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some +little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest +anything should be lost. O how happy was he in that year who had a cool +cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine! + +The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the +sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his +resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the +art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics +of the latitude of the sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so +near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it, +burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea, +and the huffsnuffs St. James's way; although the most coped, lofty, and +high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk fell when +she gave suck to Hercules. The earth at that time was so excessively +heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it +sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and +this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of +those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to +me. + +Just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain Friday, +when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly +processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings +of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and +disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the +ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top +sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very +profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture +in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply +the default of that. Other learned men said that it was a shower of the +antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium, +speaking of the source and spring of Nilus. But they were deceived, for, +the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew, +and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but +pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest +water of the sea. And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his +father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and +Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that +at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing +that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty +Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident +sign. For when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and +that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her +belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of +them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued +forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried +neat's tongues on their backs. Then followed seven camels loaded with +links and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages. After them came out +five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with +five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides +the thiller. At the sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet +some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for +we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily +like Lansman Dutches. Truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but +what is fit for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going. As +they were tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold! +out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired +with a prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he is born +with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live +he shall have age. + + + +Chapter 2.III. + +Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife +Badebec. + +When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than +was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec dead, +and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he +knew not what to say nor what to do. And the doubt that troubled his brain +was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for +the joy of his son. He was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments, +for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve +them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught +in a trap or kite snared in a gin. Shall I weep? said he. Yes, for why? +My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever +was in the world. Never shall I see her, never shall I recover such +another; it is unto me an inestimable loss! O my good God, what had I done +that thou shouldest thus punish me? Why didst thou not take me away before +her, seeing for me to live without her is but to languish? Ah, Badebec, +Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my +little c-- (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five +poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure), +my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey, +never shall I see thee! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good +mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady! O false death, how +injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me! How malicious and +outrageous have I found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife, +to whom immortality did of right belong! + +With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing +like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind. Ha, my little son, said +he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogue! +O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath +been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so +smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle! Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am! Let +us drink, ho, and put away melancholy! Bring of the best, rinse the +glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light +candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send +away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown. I will +strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and +keep them company. + +As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests +that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he +was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God! must I +again contrist myself? This grieves me. I am no longer young, I grow old, +the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be +foiled, if not quite undone. By the faith of a gentleman, it were better +to cry less, and drink more. My wife is dead, well, by G--! (da jurandi) I +shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in paradise at +least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she +is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her. What +though she be dead, must not we also die? The same debt which she hath +paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of +us some day taste of the same sauce. Let her pass then, and the Lord +preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to get another wife. +But I will tell you what you shall do, said he to the midwives, in France +called wise women (where be they, good folks? I cannot see them): Go you +to my wife's interment, and I will the while rock my son; for I find myself +somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of +falling sick; but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for +it. And believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her +burial and funeral obsequies. In the meanwhile, poor Gargantua staying at +home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven +upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as followeth. + + Dead is the noble Badebec, + Who had a face like a rebeck; + A Spanish body, and a belly + Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye, + In childbirth. Pray to God, that her + He pardon wherein she did err. + Here lies her body, which did live + Free from all vice, as I believe, + And did decease at my bedside, + The year and day in which she died. + + + +Chapter 2.IV. + +Of the infancy of Pantagruel. + +I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been born +in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to +repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much +leisure. Yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of +Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little +time he was in his mother's belly he grew both in body and strength. That +which Hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew two serpents, +for those serpents were but little and weak, but Pantagruel, being yet in +the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at. I +pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the +milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet +to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of Somure in +Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine. And they +served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet to +be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but his teeth +were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, that of the +said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this +hour. + +One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows +--for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us--he got one of +his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept fast in the +cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and grasping her +to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the +kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly, as +if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in and +took away the said cow from Pantagruel. Yet could they not so well do it +but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which +quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you +would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more, that, when +they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole, +as a cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to +say, Good, good, good--for he could not yet speak plain--giving them to +understand thereby that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but +so much more. Which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with +great cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the carriage of +salt to Lyons, or such as those are whereby the great French ship rides at +anchor in the road of Newhaven in Normandy. But, on a certain time, a +great bear, which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began +to lick his face, for his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at +which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid +himself of those great cables as Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith +the Philistines had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the +bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a +gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal. + +Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused +four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden +arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge frames. +Of those chains you have one at Rochelle, which they draw up at night +betwixt the two great towers of the haven. Another is at Lyons,--a third +at Angiers,--and the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer, +who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that did +extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant's soul fried for +his breakfast. And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas de Lyra +saith upon that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og Regem +Basan, that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious, +that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle. Thus +continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able +so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the cradle to +give a swing with his arms. But see what happened once upon a great +holiday that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the +princes of his court. I am apt to believe that the menial officers of the +house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast, +that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum, +behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken. What did he? Hark what he did, +good people. He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with +his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him. Then did he +keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat +out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great +post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he +slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and +then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back, +bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have +seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five +hundred tons upon one end. In this manner he entered into the great hall +where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright +the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach +anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take +with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel. Which +when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without +giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be +loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there +present. Besides that also the physicians of Gargantua said that, if they +did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to +the stone. When he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after +he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five +hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the +midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again. + + + +Chapter 2.V. + +Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age. + +Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone's eye waxed more and +more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural +affection. Therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet +little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they +call the great crossbow at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the school to +learn, and to spend his youth in virtue. In the prosecution of which +design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very +much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how +to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that +one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there Passelourdin, a +huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and fourteen handfuls +thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a +field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when they had nothing +else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it +with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it +with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the +lifted stone. And in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the +register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted capable +of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the caballine +fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted +stone. + +Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found +that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great tooth, +grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the +son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was +interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a little +vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a visit as +unto an honest man. And going from Poictiers with some of his companions, +they passed by the Guge (Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon; then +by Lusignan, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay-le-Comte, +saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais, +where he went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey with the great +tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose +lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an +extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of his +scabbard. When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the said +place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus +atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets have liberty to +paint and devise what they list after their own fancy. But he was not +satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a +cause, and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him, +whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge. I will inquire further +into it, and then do what shall be reasonable. Then he returned not to +Poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of France. +Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at Bordeaux, +where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some +mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the +river-side. From thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance very +well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars +of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may +have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw that they +did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, Now God forbid +that I should die this death! for I am by nature sufficiently dry already, +without heating myself any further. + +He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux, +and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the +study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome +and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old devils. +Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were +but three scald- and one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from +thence, and in his way made the bridge of Guard and the amphitheatre of +Nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more +divine than human work. After that he came to Avignon, where he was not +above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great +delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is papal ground. +Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that +place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphiny, where he saw no great +matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town did beat the +scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a certain very +fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and +one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of +that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the +admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so belaboured +them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all +before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and would have there +drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a +full half-league under the river. The hole is to be seen there yet. + +After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came +to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued +there some space, but that the plague drove them away. So from thence he +came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much +in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the +civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe +of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to +be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects, but +the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius, is so +scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and +villainy. + +Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering +scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he +learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game. For +the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes +they carried him unto Cupid's houses of commerce (in that city termed +islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with other +houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at the +sport of poussavant, which the wenches of London call the ferkers in and +in. As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial care +not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes. Which he the +rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there +called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any +to the sight. For this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, or +graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of learning +had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he could dance +very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the licentiates +in the said university, saying, + + So you have in your hand a racket, + A tennis-ball in your cod-placket, + A Pandect law in your cap's tippet, + And that you have the skill to trip it + In a low dance, you will b' allowed + The grant of the licentiate's hood. + + + +Chapter 2.VI. + +How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the +French language. + +Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with +some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we +enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar +that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one +another, asked him thus, My friend, from whence comest thou now? The +scholar answered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which +is vocitated Lutetia. What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one +of his men. It is, answered he, from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then, +said Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the +students of Paris? The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the +dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the +urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary +amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and +omnigenal feminine sex. Upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares, +and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime +recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules. Then do we +cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the +Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with +petrocile. And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our +marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we +dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the +coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and patriotic Lares. To which +Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this? By the Lord, I think +thou art some kind of heretick. My lord, no, said the scholar; for +libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, I +demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there, +irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little parcels of +some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary +precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations. +I revere the Olympicols. I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent. I +dilige and redame my proxims. I observe the decalogical precepts, and, +according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one +late unguicule. Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth +not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent +to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate +their stipe. + +Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say? I think he is +upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he +would charm us. To whom one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this +fellow would counterfeit the language of the Parisians, but he doth only +flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in +most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a +great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of +speaking. To which Pantagruel said, Is it true? The scholar answered, My +worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious +nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular Gallic, but +vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it +with the Latinicome redundance. By G--, said Pantagruel, I will teach you +to speak. But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art. To this the +scholar answered, The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary +of the Lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St. +Martial. I understand thee very well, said Pantagruel. When all comes to +all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech +counterfeit the Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must show thee a new +trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat. With this he took him by the +throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. John, I will make +thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive. Then began the poor +Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord, my halp, and St. Marshaw! +haw, I'm worried. Haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck! Haw, +for gauad's seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw. Now, said +Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor +Limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which +were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having +in the seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and therefore in French called, +de chausses a queue de merlus. Then, said Pantagruel, St. Alipantin, what +civet? Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks! and so let +him go. But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror to him all the days +of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often, +distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that +Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besides that, it procured him a continual +drought and desire to drink, so that after some few years he died of the +death Roland, in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance, +showing us that which saith the philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it +becometh us to speak according to the common language; and that we should, +as said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms +with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use to avoid +the rocks and banks in the sea. + + + +Chapter 2.VII. + +How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St. +Victor. + +After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see +the great University at Paris; but, before his departure, he was informed +that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans, +under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen +years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much +as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in +Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon, +Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose. +Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens and +inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower that +was erected for it. With that he came to the place where it was, and +lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would +have done a hawk's bell or bellwether's tingle-tangle; but, before he would +carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs +make some music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets +as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad. But +there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and +ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly, +waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did perceive till the night +following; for every man found himself so altered and a-dry with drinking +these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as +Malta cotton, saying, We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are +salted. This done, he came to Paris with his retinue. And at his entry +everyone came out to see him--as you know well enough that the people of +Paris is sottish by nature, by B flat and B sharp--and beheld him with +great astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the +palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his father +formerly had done the great peal of bells at Our Lady's Church to tie about +his mare's neck. Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied +very well in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live +in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used +in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men's bones. In his abode +there he found the library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one, +especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory +and Catalogue, Et primo, + +The for Godsake of Salvation. +The Codpiece of the Law. +The Slipshoe of the Decretals. +The Pomegranate of Vice. +The Clew-bottom of Theology. +The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin. +The Churning Ballock of the Valiant. +The Henbane of the Bishops. +Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis. +Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum + ad placitum. +The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in + travail at the bringing forth of a child. +Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum). +The Mustard-pot of Penance. +The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience. +Formicarium artium. +De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem + Jacobinum. +The Cosened or Gulled in Court. +The Frail of the Scriveners. +The Marriage-packet. +The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation. +The Flimflams of the Law. +The Prickle of Wine. +The Spur of Cheese. +Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium. +Tartaretus de modo cacandi. +The Bravades of Rome. +Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum. +The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline. +The Cobbled Shoe of Humility. +The Trivet of good Thoughts. +The Kettle of Magnanimity. +The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors. +The Snatchfare of the Curates. +Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis + lardslicionibus libri tres. +Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis, + tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto. +The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests. +The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome. +Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos. +The Bagpipe of the Prelates. +Beda de optimitate triparum. +The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits. +The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys. +Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento. +The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences. +Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c., + Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio + enucidi-luculidissima. +Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet. +Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti. +De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro + de Quebecu. +The Sauciness of Country-Stewards. +M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda, + libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis. +The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters. +(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.) +Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit + comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem + hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi. +The Bridle-champer of the Advocates. +Smutchudlamenta Scoti. +The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals. +De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata. +Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres. +The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil. +(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis + blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis. +The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's + mule doth eat but at set times. +Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the + deep-dreaming gull Sion. +Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem, + cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non. +The Shitabranna of the Maids. +The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows. +The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks. +The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars. +The Passage-toll of Beggarliness. +The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks. +The Paring-shovel of the Theologues. +The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts. +The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk. +Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum, + libri quadriginta. +Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore. +The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders. +The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo. +The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches. +Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad. +R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum. +Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra. +Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis, + libri octo galantissimi. +The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate + Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal + Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis. +A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox. +Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium. +The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants. +The Pleasures of the Monachal Life. +The Hotchpot of Hypocrites. +The History of the Hobgoblins. +The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers. +The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries. +The Litter of Treasurers. +The Juglingatorium of Sophisters. +Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium. +The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers. +The Push-forward of the Alchemists. +The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis. +The Shackles of Religion. +The Racket of Swag-waggers. +The Leaning-stock of old Age. +The Muzzle of Nobility. +The Ape's Paternoster. +The Crickets and Hawk's-bells of Devotion. +The Pot of the Ember-weeks. +The Mortar of the Politic Life. +The Flap of the Hermits. +The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries. +The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars. +Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum. +Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum. +The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers. +The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops. +Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin. +The Cymbals of Ladies. +The Dunger's Martingale. +Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis. +The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart. +The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows. +Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia. +The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons. +Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos. +Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum. +The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars. +The Morris-dance of the Heretics. +The Whinings of Cajetan. +Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et + Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem. +Sixty-nine fat Breviaries. +The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars. +The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt, + incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum. +The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience. +The Fat Belly of the Presidents. +The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots. +Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod + Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia. +Cacatorium medicorum. +The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology. +Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C. +The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries. +The Kissbreech of Chirurgery. +Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis. +Antidotarium animae. +Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum. +The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden. +The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses. +The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu. +The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew. + +Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at +the press in this noble city of Tubingen. + + + +Chapter 2.VIII. + +How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua, +and the copy of them. + +Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited +accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit, +together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil +budgets or butts of olives. And, as he was there abiding one day, he +received a letter from his father in manner as followeth. + +Most dear Son,--Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the +sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at +the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may +in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of +this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a +progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony. Whereby that in +some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our +first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the +commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be +brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at +first had been created. + +But by this means of seminal propagation there ("Which continueth" in the +old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in +the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively +until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered +up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all +danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and +corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations, +seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and +that all things shall be brought to their end and period. And, therefore, +not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour +and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age +reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and +governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, I shall not +account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another, +considering that, in and by that, I continue in my visible image living in +the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good +friends, as I was wont to do. Which conversation of mine, although it was +not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought +continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of +his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of +reproach before men. + +Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I am +endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be +esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the +immortality of our name. But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small +pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the +body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul, +and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate +and abastardized. This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of +thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee +yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better. And that which I now +write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous +course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and +cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the +prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking +thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so +helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see +thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in +virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and +so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me +thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee, +yet such in my desire. + +But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his +best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political +knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, +went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the +time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present, +neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had. For that time +was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of +the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set +footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine +goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with +such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be +admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--I say, I, +who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of +that age. Which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully +do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority +of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in +the book entitled How a man may praise himself without envy--but to give +thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further. + +Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of +discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct. +Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored, +viz., Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a +scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin. Printing likewise is now in +use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it +was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical +suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance. All the world +is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries; +and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor +Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying as +we see at this day there is. Nor must any adventure henceforward to come +in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well +polished in the shop of Minerva. I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters, +tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more +learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time. + +What shall I say? The very women and children have aspired to this praise +and celestial manner of good learning. Yet so it is that, in the age I am +now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue--which I +contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to +attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's +Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and +the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator +shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory +pilgrimage. Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth to +profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue. Thou art +at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy +mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the +learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee +in the arts and sciences. + +I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly; +first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin; +and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and +Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation of +Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero. Let there be no history which thou +shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design, +books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much. Of the +liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some taste +when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old. Proceed +further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst. As for astronomy, +study all the rules thereof. Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and +judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain +abuses and vanities. As for the civil law, of that I would have thee to +know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy. + +Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have thee +to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of +which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the +several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the +sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various +metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the +diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south +parts of the world. Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then +fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian, and +Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by +frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world, +called the microcosm, which is man. And at some hours of the day apply thy +mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New +Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in +Hebrew. In brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of +knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man, +thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn +chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to +defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all +their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers. + +Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited, +which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and +conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the +company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere. But because, as the +wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that +knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee +to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all +thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou +mayst never be separated from him by thy sins. Suspect the abuses of the +world. Set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the +Word of the Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy neighbours, +and love them as thyself. Reverence thy preceptors: shun the conversation +of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the +graces which God hath bestowed upon thee. And, when thou shalt see that +thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that +part, return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before +I die. My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen. + + Thy father Gargantua. + + From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March. + +These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart, +took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in +his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains, +and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of +his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so +active it was, vigorous and indefatigable. + + + +Chapter 2.IX. + +How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime. + +One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St. +Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and +some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and +surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts +thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his +apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order +that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury +he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition +wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche. + +As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you +see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton +bridge? By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that +by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some +rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon +adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and +penury. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me +entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and +answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not +think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my +ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you are; +because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great +pity. Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither +you go; what you desire; and what your name is. The companion answered him +in the German (The first edition reads "Dutch.") tongue, thus: + +'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil. Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz +euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding, +und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu +erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren +Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth +vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust.' My friend, said Pantagruel, I +have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us +to understand you, speak to us in some other language. Then did the droll +answer him thus: + +'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras. +Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim; +kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch +dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth. Nin hur diavosth +mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min +foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.' Do you understand none of +this? said Pantagruel to the company. I believe, said Epistemon, that this +is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil +himself knows not what to make of it. Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know +not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us +here doth so much as understand one syllable of them. Then said my blade +again: + +'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai, +s'ella non ha il ventre pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le +mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione. Al +quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine +naturale et del tutto annichilati.' To which Epistemon answered, As much +of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. Then said Panurge: + +'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved +to the body, you should have pity of me. For nature hath made us equal, +but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue +often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none +is good.' (The following is the passage as it stands in the first edition. +Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais' indifferent English into worse +Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his MS., or 'the +oddness' of handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p.419, +Mait. Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly +impossible to reduce to order.--Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here +given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body +scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse +equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless +iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye +ladeniss non quid.' Here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its +teeth in.--M.) Yet less, said Pantagruel. Then said my jolly Panurge: + +'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser +landa. Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine +den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura +assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna. Estou oussyc eg vinan +soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar vadu.' Are you there, +said Eudemon, Genicoa? To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian's rammer +unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it. Then answered Panurge: + +'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny +Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille kalmuch monach +drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de +vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.' Do you speak Christian, said +Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois? Nay, it +is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois. Then +said Panurge: + +'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele: my dunkt +noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat +ik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.' +To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that. Then said Panurge: + +'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra +reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan +vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren, +para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad +natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non +digo mas.' Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can +speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for +you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand. Then said the +companion: + +'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige +creatuure: Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig +huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke: Huorfor +forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand +slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter: +Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.' I think really, said Eusthenes, +that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all +of us speak so with our tails. Then again said Panurge: + +'Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li +kikar lehem: chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.' To which answered +Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it is the +Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. Then again said the gallant: + +'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo +analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de +par emou ha ou chre. Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te +ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar +anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me +prosphoros epiphenete.' What? Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is +Greek, I have understood him. And how? hast thou dwelt any while in +Greece? Then said the droll again: + +'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist vous +mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust, +daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. Agou paston tol +nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou +noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.' (In this and the preceding +speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed +in correcting Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies.--M.) +Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language +of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it. And, as he was about to +have begun some purpose, the companion said: + +'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si +quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio +clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant +abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores +veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.' +Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French? That I can +do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked. It is my natural +language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in +the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell us +what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have +already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you, +that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my +company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as +Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, said the companion, my true and proper +Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I +was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a +mischief. And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are +more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you +to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting +never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell. We shall have +therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to +report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed; +my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce +and burning, all is ready. If you will but set me to work, it will be as +good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For God's +sake, give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry +him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate +very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept +until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one +leap from the bed to the board. + + + +Chapter 2.X. + +How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully +obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was +reputed to have a most admirable judgment. + +Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions, +would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon, in all the +carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners +of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven +hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the +hardest doubts that are in any science. And first of all, in the Fodder +Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges, +artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he +overthrew them and set them all upon their tails. He went afterwards to +the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or +divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until +six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves +and take their repast. And at this were present the greatest part of the +lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those +of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs +of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law. +Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn +jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them +that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall, +gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the +world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled +calves. Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his +so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even +to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and +others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in +which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did, +when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is +the man. + +Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in +court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech, +plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the +other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of +parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore, by the commandment of +the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all +the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the +principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England +also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and +a rabble of other old Rabbinists. Who being thus met together, after they +had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that +they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand +the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or +take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so +grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for +shame. In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the +learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst +one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and +philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my +masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away +both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom +in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand +therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to +our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of +it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing +but dote in our consultations. + +See, therefore, what I have thought upon. You have heard much talking of +that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be +learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in +those great disputations which he held publicly against all men. My +opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business; +for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it +not. + +Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to +that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be +pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep +search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith +make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal +knowledge. To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein +were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight +were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But +Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and +process is yet living? It was answered him, Yes. To what a devil, then, +said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which +you give me? Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own +mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile +fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages +of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? For I am sure +that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have +by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that, +although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at +first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous, +sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius, +Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, +Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the +least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe +calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the +laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the +Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian. The laws, +nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony +of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by +that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences. And then we find +that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that +whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever +wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, +nor Quintilian. How then could these old dotards be able to understand +aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good +Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style, +which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than +for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws? + +Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and +natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have, +by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule? In respect of human +learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden +with those faculties as a toad is with feathers. And yet of all this the +laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend +more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I +am about to publish. Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in +this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the +two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have +heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or +dissimulation whatsoever. + +Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all +companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part +always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the +Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion, +maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming +that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions, +depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but +engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such +suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry +them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not +in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and +philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two +gentlemen summoned and personally convented. At whose appearance before +the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great +difference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. Which of you, said +Pantagruel, is the plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech. Go to, +then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to +point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I find you +to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and +take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in +justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. Therefore +take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case. +Begin. + + + +Chapter 2.XI. + +How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel +without an attorney. + +Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true that a +good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be covered, +Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord +Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the two tropics the +sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the +Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of +counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling +tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and +Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had +assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go +a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when +they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the +country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long +they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but +despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to +wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the +tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a +goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with +child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the +hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they +could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat +double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the +court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox not to +run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the +jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the +British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in +the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say. + +Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his +pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip, +which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was done at his return from +the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was +licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness, +according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi +stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of +Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost; +yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must +think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above +my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit +thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they +were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see that everyone +acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been +charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an +ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place +in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which +have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels +and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite. +Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the +cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the +memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, God keep Theobald +Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold there! Ho, my friend, +soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in +choler. I understand the case,--go on. Now then, my lord, said +Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could +not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and +passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a +warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering +them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst +(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the +painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on +shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange +to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing +it is so good to hatch. + +Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat, +whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's belly, doth it +become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity of +labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your +mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. Peace, +in the devil's name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful +when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech; +speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste. + +I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make +no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart +at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were +to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly +sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the +good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a +solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, +which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for +understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore John +Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very +seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in +the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had +kindled the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her +to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia +cadit. Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of +accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst +themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were +framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at +Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and +that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For +that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed +myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good +venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked +and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better, +and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming +from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster +and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to +the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders, +which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the +story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of +a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic +history. And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout +all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit +of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without +disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it +again. As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my +neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it +would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. And truly, my +lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that +those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of +pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever +at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by +the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given +thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the +clerk's office of this house. + +And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship +there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with +costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this +all you have to say? Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told +all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as +one single word. You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what +you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may +serve to the purpose. + + + +Chapter 2.XII. + +How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel. + +Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth. My lord, and you my +masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment +as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so +eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away +so scurvily. For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very +soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the +factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly +cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot, +the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits. + +Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and +that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely +come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which +saith, + + Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not, + When he is dead and buried, see one jot. + +And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle, +when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the +sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their +heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little +platform leaps in keeping level by the ground? But now the world is +unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester. One flies out +lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and +that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it +will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made, +or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to +illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the +sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the +decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their +rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that +make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes? +Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is +wholly set all beasts are in the shade. Let me never be believed again, if +I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of +the day. + +In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized +horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the +goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really +that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my +teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences +were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that +salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it +were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he +were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms, +thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of +a swaggering sauciness. Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a +proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one +attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point +with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum +that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away +in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon +the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for, +incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go +near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing +else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles +'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and +this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said +good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a +sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the +sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers' +purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the +cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips, +and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have +provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and +burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the +fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in +some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. Now, if +the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the +chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, +settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there, +there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of +the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair +coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or +mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves +at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the +wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation. + +Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof +mention was made, were somewhat short in memory. Nevertheless, to +understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard +of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their +children some time should become very skilful in algorism. Therefore is +it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail +to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof +somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil did envy it, and +by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in +swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink, +trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch. +For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this +saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and +were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did +not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon +them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me, +so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it. And put +the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little +puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an +account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will +necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court, +that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three +butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the +funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for +one and two, that is, deuce ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience, +upon my oath of wool. + +And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the +counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three +times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing +but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot, +and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the +sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him. Such another sentence +after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because +of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court +to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not +but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well +be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle, +whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the +terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another. Tunc, my lords, +quid juris pro minoribus? For the common custom of the Salic law is such, +that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and +wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's +stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his +member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the +mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that +do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and +that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with +costs, damages, and interests. + +After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of +Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said? +No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and +nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an end for God's sake to our +difference, for we are here at great charge. + + + +Chapter 2.XIII. + +How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords. + +Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and +doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have +heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you +think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not +understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore +we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give +sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied +with it, and do ratify it with our full consents. Well, my masters, said +Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly +find the case so difficult as you make it. Your paragraph Caton, the law +Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si +Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law +Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law +Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion. +After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding +very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they +girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was +bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or +accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce +sentence as followeth. + +Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference +between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them, +that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the +flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by +private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little +unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and +vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an +hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff +truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the +galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and +the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his +conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in +eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that. He +is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies, +into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could +not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision +of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the +walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais. Slacking, +therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets, +wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great +store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made +with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which +his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or +bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen +by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter +in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the +vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail. + +But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, +and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble +was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed. + +The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of +curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and +codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said +defendant about the middle of August in May. But, on the other part, the +defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping +the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines +garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause. + +Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented +with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. For it never came to +pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees +hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be +equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. As for +the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they +were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of +Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so +accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits +with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of +actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden +ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had +been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of +vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and +understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere. And so be it. + + + +Chapter 2.XIV. + +How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the +Turks. + +The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made +known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting +upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the +rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody +began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any +further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother, +showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good +Pantagruel hath done. Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our +country. And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the +requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously +thanking them for their offer. For, said he, there is too much slavery in +these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, +considering the great corruption that is amongst men. Which makes me +believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of +people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven +thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be +deceived in his conjecture. Remember that I have told you of it, and given +you fair advertisement in time and place convenient. + +But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a +present of that. Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the +best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge +bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a +red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked +gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs. So that by someone being admonished, +in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret +with these words--Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad +--I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little +tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a +spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be +bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows. O companion! if I +could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above +the sphere of the moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil +this means. This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink +thereof the more I am athirst. I believe that the shadow of my master +Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the +catarrhs and defluxions. At which word the company began to laugh, which +Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh +so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very +unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there +were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base point of +abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself +unto their law. But now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of +their hands. By G--, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word. + +The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit, +for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made +but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive. As they +were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having +in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would +deliver me out of this torment. Which came to pass, and that very +strangely. For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying, +Lord God, help me! Lord God, save me! Lord God, take me out of this pain +and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my +sincerity in the maintenance of thy law! The roaster or turnspit fell +asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who +cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes. When I saw +that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived +that he was fast asleep. Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end +where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another +did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was placed near to +the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit. Presently +the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from +the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the +fashion of the foot of a lamp. But the best was, that the fire which I had +cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was +beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of +the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than +he could have seen daylight. Then suddenly getting up, and in a great +amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he +could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as Fire, +fire, fire. Incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to +throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes +wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet, +when the master of the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke +from the very street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and +Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to +carry away his jewels. Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve +how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted and +therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for +want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little +above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet +of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm, +through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the +pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, +betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the +left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade. + +True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I +fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some +hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices +of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Bashaw then seeing +the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his +goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon +some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis, +nine several times. Which when I saw, I had above sixpence' worth of fear, +dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and, +seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to. I am already, +thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief; +for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority +which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology +of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros. But for my better security +I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none +came. At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in +transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that +purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it +was not sharp enough. Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work +upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all +the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master +Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for +thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest. Well, thou mayst hurt or +bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime +most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be +counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not +so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others, +who have found themselves very well after it. Ha, my friend, said he, I +prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my codpiece (budget); +take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine +diamonds and most excellent rubies. And where are they? said Epistemon. +By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep +going. But where is the last year's snow? This was the greatest care that +Villon the Parisian poet took. Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may +know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw. By the faith of an honest man, said +Panurge, I do not lie in one word. I swaddled him in a scurvy +swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied +him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to +wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon, +fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they +did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame +you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney. With this, +taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I +ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of +mutton. + +When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out the +fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally +pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful +refreshing of me, did me very much good. Then did they present me with +some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to +drink but water after their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one +little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch +away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap +on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the +second time. Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young +Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round Mirabolan +plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great +compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire +from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than +my knees. But note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica, +whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which +my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt. + +Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask +how? For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them +espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and +we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief. +Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards +the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, I +turned me about as did Lot's wife, and, looking back, saw all the city +burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit +myself for joy. But God punished me well for it. How? said Pantagruel. +Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire, +jesting with myself, and saying--Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will +have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your +bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and +eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from +the fire. At the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by +the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me +in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction +of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache. And wherefore, said +Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth? Wert +thou not cured of thy rheums? By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any +greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs? But on +a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my lardons, and +threw them into the midst of the field amongst them. Then did the dogs +run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the +lardons. By this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with +and hairing one another. Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy +roastmeat and cookery. + + + +Chapter 2.XV. + +How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris. + +Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards +St. Marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and +to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge was with him, having always a +flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without +this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to +preserve his body from harm. Other sword carried he none; and, when +Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for +that it would but heat his milt. Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst +be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself? With great buskinades or +brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden. At their +return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision +said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are! O how strong they are, +and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them! By my +beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow +with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them. O my +friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was +asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls? Lo +here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and +citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military +discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that +towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the +prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants. So is this city so +strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they +care not for making any other walls. Besides, whosoever would go about to +wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost +impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. Yea but, said +Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are +invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the +enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great +work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be +pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty, +strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap. How? said +Pantagruel. Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it +you. I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the +women of this country are better cheap than stones. Of them should the +walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture, +and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards +ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. The middle-sized ones must be ranked +next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a +fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen +in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos, +nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral +codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? There is no metal +like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to +graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed +fruit of the great pox as small as rain. Beware, in the name of the devils, +and hold off. Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it. +For why? They are all either blest or consecrated. I see but one +inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that? +It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder, +and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and +excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see how that might be +remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails, +or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence. And to this +purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by +Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium. + +In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a +poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little +private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier +gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him +and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting, +he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest +to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked +upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss, +telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do +their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or +millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. The lion, being thus +healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and +old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who, +seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such +sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above +her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she +had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you +call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? Which words when +he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying, +Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause! When the fox was come, +he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here +between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of +continuity. See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the +navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half. This is the +blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the +flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both +within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long. Wipe, my friend, +wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put +into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another. Wipe it hard, +thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped, +otherwise the party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, my little gossip, +wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a +bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary. A good wiper, who, in +wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be +wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay +long. Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off, +he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, +and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put +thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and +no more. The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within +and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk +like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease, +for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury +perfume of this old woman's postern blasts. And whilst to that effect he +was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance +of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole, +not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and +infectious air. The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more +than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a +staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full +sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed. What a devil! said he, +this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss. The +fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray +thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here +another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost +choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning. + +Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for +wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy +parts of women are at such a cheap rate? For in this city there are many +virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids. Et ubi prenus? said +Panurge. I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and +assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and +seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but +this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as +Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the +most, one before and the other behind. He demanded alms of me, but I made +him answer that I had more cods than pence. Afterwards I asked him, Good +man, these two girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried +them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see +continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my +finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say +nothing. + +Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to +be apparelled in my livery. And therefore caused him to be clothed most +gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would +have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not +round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing. Oftentimes was he +wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility +that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, +as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt, said he, the +good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! God keep +from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one +hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! God keep from hurt him who by +his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine! And, by G-, +I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more +leisure. And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is +not printed as yet that I know of. + + + +Chapter 2.XVI. + +Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge. + +Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat +an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. He was at that time +five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden +dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very +gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous, +and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called +lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had +three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most +honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining +and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister, +rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in +Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man +in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief +against the sergeants and the watch. + +At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring +boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them +till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and, +at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting +his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his +sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that +instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave +it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so +overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other +side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and +turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det. + +At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to +pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along, +set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had +in running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire had caught them by the +legs. As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all +others. When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not +never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit +of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little +foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank. One +day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne), +he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of +garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he +steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and +pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all +the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which +made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was +upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; +and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, +eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not +care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith +he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their +masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and +twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a +little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut +purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the +eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or +capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people, +and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city, +sometimes all their life. Very often, also, upon the women's French hoods +would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's +member. In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and +lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them +with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest +gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never +seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church +amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In another, he +used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men +and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially +those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to +go away, they might rend all their gowns. In another, he had a squib +furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other +tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three burning glasses, +wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put +them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an +antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between +a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass +and of a pliant buttock. + +In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a +thousand little devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of the palace unto +the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to +the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but +in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his +gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court +or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite, +missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice, +as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt, +which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the +very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his +Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. And the friar +still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay +open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now! +what's the matter? Will this fair father make us here an offering of his +tail to kiss it? Nay, St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us! From thenceforth +it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any +more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call +it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the +sin of longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked why it was +the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge resolved the +problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears +is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth +in his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which makes the genitories +or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear +no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no +impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a +wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads. +and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in +this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said +member. For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is +cause of attraction. + +Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum, +whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to +be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some +would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like +a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. Others, again, ran +about the streets, and he would run after them. To such as were in the +stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and +cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man. + +Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith, +when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease, +smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of +touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good +taffeties! Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth! You +have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give +you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! And with this would lay +his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was +left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body, +and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away. +Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall, +for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your +foot, you will quite spoil yourself. + +Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. In that +powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had +stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from +off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the +company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some +fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their +bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and +then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here +is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, +made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he would +fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart, +Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song +of the music which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock, +a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there +was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. He had another full +of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his +fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had +heretofore cried treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any +other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if +Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or +seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making +any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the +wind. + + + +Chapter 2.XVII. + +How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit +in law which he had at Paris. + +One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and +silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto +him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy, +and I know the disease. You have a flux in your purse; but take no care. +I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which +shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity. Whereunto +he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much, +for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses +as the adamant doth iron. But will you go with me to gain the pardons? +said he. By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if +I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's +name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a +farthing upon interest. No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and +from my heart. Grates vobis dominos, said he. + +So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the +first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me. Then did I +say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them +all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners. From +thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and +so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons. For +my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the +relics, and gave at everyone. To be brief, when we were returned, he +brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve +of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the +sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so +little time? Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the +basins of the pardons. For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I +put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to +be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or +sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the +churches where we have been. Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a +snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. True, said he, in +your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it, +when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies, +that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken +according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of +the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige. +Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning +is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound +it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me +fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a +hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, +for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he +thought to have been a cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay myself at +my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical +treasure. Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I +made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade, +thou wouldst wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand +florins, in English coin six hundred pounds. And what a devil is become of +them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. They returned +from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master. + +But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred +pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many +husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one +tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these +good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at +the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no +man would have any more dealing with them. And, by G--, I will have their +skin-coat shaken once yet before they die. By this means, to one I gave a +hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according +to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable. For, by how much +the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs +have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them. Presently +I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make +the match. But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster +to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if +thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good +time. Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to +be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of +spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they +occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and +ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their +face. + +Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law. And what +lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands. My +friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the +instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and +neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men +could no more put their hands under. For they had put the slit behind, and +those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad +contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday I +presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said +gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein, +protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my +breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it. In +sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went +upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause. But +I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was +decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a +little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money. I had +another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called +Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the +pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in +the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I +was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the +relation of the sergeant. Another time I framed a complaint to the court +against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to +this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to +champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors' +wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to +the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or +at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches +at the knees. And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear. Now +reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I +made to the pages of the palace. And to what end? said I. My friend, said +he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world. I have more than the king, +and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together. No, +no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one +time or another. And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other. +Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth? Ho, grosse pecore! + +Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to +someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by +a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or +some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side +like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs' +worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming +the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to +repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had, as I said +before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred +and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking. + + + +Chapter 2.XVIII. + +How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and +was overcome by Panurge. + +In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame +and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own +country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove +whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be. In +this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of +the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was +then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the +fashion of the Peripatetics. At his first entrance he startled, and was +almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall. Then did +he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it +is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge +of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir +up all the world to admire her. Which we may the rather believe that the +very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received +into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things +are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, +but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where +the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple +and uttered her oracles. As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen +of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to +see the order of Solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who +came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who +travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a +great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in +Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along +the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river +Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon, +Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and +Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists. The like +example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious +persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain. I dare not +reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would +be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men +also. And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable +knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house, +and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the +tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see +you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy, +and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my +mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave +henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none +that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour. I will +reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men +in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them. + +But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute. I will not argue pro +et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places. +Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by +declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus +de la Mirandula did of late at Rome. But I will dispute by signs only +without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that +words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for +unfolding of them to my liking. May it, therefore, please your +magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven +o'clock in the morning. When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very +honourably said unto him: Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon +me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power. For whatever +comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased +when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of +honest literature. In which number, because that in this time, as I do +already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee +notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every +one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather +to learn of thee than thou of me. But, as thou hast protested, we will +confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even +unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth +lies hidden. And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast +proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I +shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this +clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the +arguers hath gotten the better of the argument. Now to-morrow I will not +fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let +me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that +we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only. To which +Thaumast answered: The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and, +instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for +that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend +to the grant of the request of my poor baseness. So farewell till +to-morrow! Farewell, said Pantagruel. + +Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men +were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night +were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper +of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had +never known himself so dry as he was that night. I think, said he, that +Pantagruel held me by the throat. Give order, I pray you, that we may have +some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my +palate. On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he +could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all +that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et +signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia; +the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion; +Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri +Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him: + +My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your +spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may +easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and +plodding. But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts, +retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue +against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad +metam non loqui, then call me knave. Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge, +he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him? Very +well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone. +Is any man so learned as the devils are? No, indeed, said Pantagruel, +without God's especial grace. Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have +argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid +them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys. +Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious +Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. So Panurge spent the +night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of +his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La +Vergette. Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to +conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe +me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with +themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished +in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full +payment and be tickled to some purpose. For this Englishman is a terrible +bustler and horrible coil-keeper. We will see who will be conqueror, for +he never met with his match before. + +Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when +Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors +of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as +their scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if +it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to +you, peace! By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the +heads of everyone of you. At which words they remained all daunted and +astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although +they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers. Withal they grew so dry +with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot +beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats. Then +began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither +to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or, +otherwise, but to learn and know the truth? To which answered Thaumast, +Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn +and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither +found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts +which I have proposed. And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do +it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish +sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for +contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean +and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and +satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master +wherewith to trouble him. Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and +sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you +satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your +expectation. Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then. Now +you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty +tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put +a fair orange. + + + +Chapter 2.XIX. + +How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs. + +Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the +Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching +in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la +Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other +by the nails four several times. Then he, opening them, struck the one +with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only +once. Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards +four times in opening them. Then did he lay them joined, and extended the +one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers +unto God. Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put +the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four +fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of +his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a +profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted he up his +left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and +elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the +situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half +between them. This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground +about the one and the other hand. Lastly, he held them in the midst, as +aiming right at the Englishman's nose. And if Mercury,--said the +Englishman. There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken, +Mask. + +Then made the Englishman this sign. His left hand all open he lifted up +into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof, +and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose. +Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased +and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where +the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four +right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with +the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he +had done with the right. + +Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his +trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a +truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of +black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the +fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made +such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering +clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his +tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking +fixedly upon the Englishman. The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that +were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the +Englishman was a leper. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists +conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal +felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore. + +The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two +hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three +master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or +foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained +extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge. Then +joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little +finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift +up his hands and made this sign. + +He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb +of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and +of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the +forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of +the left hand. Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or +medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and +thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left +hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the +wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way +and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his +right eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and +made him this sign. + +With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of +the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. Then put he the forefinger of +the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not +over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and +blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the +overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. Then held he +out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people there, +which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he +demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that? +In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the +spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he +bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of +his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with +this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge +presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little +finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his +teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this +Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising +let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very +strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company began to +stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and +perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort +that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left +hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat Panurge drew out his long +codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding +it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, +and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the +fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to +shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast. + +After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a +bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder. Whereupon +Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called +St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner +as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth. This +done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, +making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the +superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs, +and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing +like a goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his +mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out, +and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the +pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and +he did it nine times. + +Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret! With this he put +in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it +by the point downwards. Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook +it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined +in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was +able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die. +Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put +the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the +flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. Whereat +Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into +his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then he crossed his two +arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he +struck his right foot against the ground. Then he lift up his left arm, +and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his +forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. But +Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the +top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set +his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as +he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his +two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very +ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company. + + + +Chapter 2.XX. + +How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge. + +Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the +said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were +there: My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good +purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic! You +have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord +Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very +heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in +magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had +in my mind. But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think +was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the +worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his disciple only hath +satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him. Besides, he hath +opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure +you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the +encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I +should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so +much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs, +without speaking either word or half word. But, in fine, I will reduce +into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not +take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed, +that everyone may learn as I have done. Judge, then, what the master had +been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est +discipulus super magistrum. Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very +humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. God +reward you for it eternally! The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the +company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him, +and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the +phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their +bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins), +even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came. Blessed +Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather! +And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here; +reach hither; fill with a devil, so! There was not one but did drink five +and twenty or thirty pipes. Can you tell how? Even sicut terra sine aqua; +for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry. In matter +of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the +signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would +have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been +told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he +hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I +do pass by it. + + + +Chapter 2.XXI. + +How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris. + +Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of +this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from +thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him. To which effect he +had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion. +And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made +of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch +mustard. He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and +gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to +bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed, +leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily +these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the +flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to +the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and +necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and +believe it, for experience will teach it you. The lady at this word thrust +him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for +you to talk thus unto me? Whom do you think you have in hand? Begone, +never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have +your legs and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all one to me, to +want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together +at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long +codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you +shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones. He +is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners, +creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there +needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his +followers to work upon. Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go. If +you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be +knocked down with blows. Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no, +or else I am deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner shall the earth +mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells, +and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great +beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or +malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman +that is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar +beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I +believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art, +to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all +her power. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and +celestial manna. To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the +golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was +there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much +comeliness in Venus as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses! +How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace +her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers! By G--, that shall be I, +I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and +so was I predestinated to it by the fairies. And therefore, that we lose +no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but +she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her +neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running +away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself; +do not you take so much pains. Thus went he away, not much caring for the +repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next +day he came to the church at the time she went to mass. At the door he +gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her. +Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam, +know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love. +I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, +how much you would be to blame! Go, said she, go! I do not care; let me +alone to say my prayers. Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau +mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. I cannot, said she. +It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. . +.mounts. And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble +heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters. Take them, said +she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she would have taken off her +paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and +adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his +knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going +away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife? +No, no, said she. But, said he, to the purpose. I am at your commandment, +body and goods, tripes and bowels. + +In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her +paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance +by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is +some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country. I shall +never recover my paternosters again. What will my husband say? He will no +doubt be angry with me. But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off +from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end +of the ribbon left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her, +carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called +counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you +me, or I you? Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for, +as God commands, I love all the world. But to the purpose, said he; are +not you in love with me? I have, said she, told you so many times already +that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will +teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. Get you hence +packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for +them. + +How now, madam, said he, your paternosters? Nay, by mine oath, I will not +do so, but I will give you others. Had you rather have them of gold well +enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or, +otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them +of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine +turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu +rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no, +all this is too little. I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked +with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an +orange. It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats. I will +make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made +a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns. + +Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson +dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will you have +chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as +fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the virtue +of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him, +No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G--, said he, but I will +have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing, +neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. Hold! +--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for +lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out, +yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his +false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a +little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so much good, nor so much +honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran +away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally +fearful. + + + +Chapter 2.XXII. + +How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well. + +Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus +Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and +on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin, +under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat. + +The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side +and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her +with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day +and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of +her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces +as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went +to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as +the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge +sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a +little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by +her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner +as followeth. + + A Roundelay. + + For this one time, that I to you my love + Discovered, you did too cruel prove, + To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon, + Who never any wrong to you had done, + In any kind of action, word, or thought: + So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought + T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense, + My friend, be pleased to depart from hence, + For this one time. + + What hurt do I, to wish you to remark, + With favour and compassion, how a spark + Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart + With deep affection, and that, for my part, + I only ask that you with me would dance + The brangle gay in feats of dalliance, + For this one time? + +And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very +promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers +places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then +said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for +me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I +suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in +purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery. +Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church +came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed +upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their +member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the +greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them +away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or +oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did +compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with +their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others +in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed +upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much +ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of +the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some +greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were +flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and +every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud +or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call +Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he +went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying, +Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant, +avant, with a devil avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel, +Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are +assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line +her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery, +which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the +procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs +about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever +she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed +her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All +the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of +those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her +gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to +retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs +after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain +from laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door +upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so +well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their +urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same +current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for +the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did +heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, a mill would have ground +corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse. + + + +Chapter 2.XXIII. + +How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had +invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are +so short in France. + +A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had +been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were +Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands 'together, +and that.'--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the +Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a +great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of +the Amaurots. Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man +farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen. + +Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little +territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of +other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told +him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the +Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished +into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond +divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The said king chose +at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and +bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty, +handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he +caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days. +Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his +wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction +besides, to go unto divers places here and there. And wheresoever they +should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it +should be accounted for a league. Thus went away those brave fellows and +sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at +rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end, +and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short. But when +they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the +oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so +often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men's part) with one scurvy +paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany, +Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long. Other men give +other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which +Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rouen, they arrived at +Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, +Eusthenes, and Carpalin. + +In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship, +he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and +entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus, +--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men +--P.N.T.G.R.L. + + + +Chapter 2.XXIV. + +A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris, +together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring. + +When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and +therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it. +Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise +enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond. Wondering at +this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case. Whereupon Panurge +told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and +artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore, +to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal +ammoniac soaked in water. Then put he it into the water, to see if the +letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. After that he held it up +against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white +onions. + +Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not +written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of +a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with +the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs. Afterwards he rubbed one +corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written +with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the +winter-cherry. He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it +were not written with the gall of a raven. Then did he dip it into vinegar, +to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge. After +that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was +not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. Then put +it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to +see whether it were written with stone-alum. But after all experiments, +when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger +and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give +thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the +conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention. And the messenger answered +him, No, sir. Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see +whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof +soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very +long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a +length in so short a time. + +Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell +what to do nor say in it. For, to know whether there be anything written +upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master +Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of +reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri +grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus. But I +can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than +the ring. Let us, therefore, look upon it. Which when they had done, they +found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they +called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant. To which he answered that +they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? Upon +that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery. Do you see this +diamond? It is a false one. This, then, is the exposition of that which +the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken +me? Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal +remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was +very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with +her. But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and +the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when +need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of +it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of +his nativity, which was then in danger. And, indeed, within an hour after +that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and +put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto +Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands. +Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by +Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore +again in the kingdom of Melinda. Parting from thence, they sailed away +with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by +Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie, +till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of +the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more. + +When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said, +Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss, +before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not +like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact? Are you +resolved to live and die with me? Yes, sir, said they all, and be as +confident of us as of your own fingers. Well, said he, there is but one +thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I +know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to +the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on +with the better assurance. Let us therefore consult together, and bethink +ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence. Whereunto they +all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this +very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a +certain report thereof. + +Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the +very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and +lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery +and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and +magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being +discovered. The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his +circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus. + +And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant +captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks +and subtleties of the art of war. I will go, and, though I be detected and +revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please, +for I am of the race of Sinon. + +I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite +of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies +and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong +as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules. + +And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so +nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their +trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive +me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he +the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to +make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt. I will +undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without +making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of +Camilla the Amazon. + + + +Chapter 2.XXV. + +How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants +of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore +horsemen very cunningly. + +As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light +horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship +it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to +take them if they had been able. Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire +yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I +will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so +many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it. +Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so, +but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for +I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set +forward. Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw +yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able +to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too +weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance. With this Panurge took +two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which +was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground, +making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then +said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn +about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two +cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you +here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies. Do as they bid you, and +make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the +compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them. And +presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel +of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by +with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. Presently came the +horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship, +and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their +horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on, +thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival. But Panurge +said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray +you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the +sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure. +So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the +deck. In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were +all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were +retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging +upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried +out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw! Then began Epistemon to wind +about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and +empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down +to the ground easily, together with their riders. But they, seeing that, +drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to +the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and +horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet +Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of +the ropes. But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such +nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces; +then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him +in his arms, and brought him back to the ship. + +This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously +commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his +fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily +upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground, +and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only +that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him +up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his +throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it +as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat +than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass. + + + +Chapter 2.XXVI. + +How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and +how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison. + +Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly +of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? This salt meat makes me +horribly dry. I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which +we have burnt; it is well roasted already. As he was rising up to go about +it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was +come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire. Him +did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had +been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he +was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards, +seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged +ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty +cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and +rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in +a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and +three great foxes. So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the +head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up +his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be +heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar! Then the +good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him +some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands, +and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back +a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares. Then immediately +did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden +spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier +saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their +prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein +the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of +vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a +triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured. +Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little +anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the +great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what +a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps. But, said Panurge, +it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we +might get the upper hand of our enemies. That is well remembered, said +Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us +here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed +alive, for it is I that eat the little children. Relate unto us at full +the order, the number, and the strength of the army. To which the prisoner +answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred +giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great. Nevertheless, +not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou, +who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one +hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of +hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred +men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and +arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one +hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me, +said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others +Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High +Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages. + +Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the prisoner; +he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes, +which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more +thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants. +It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go +with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you! I +have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so +the devil one leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about +one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I +shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the +whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one +unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and +women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel. + +And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not +bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall not I have +any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as +that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that I have +it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, said Panurge, +thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the +best case. + +How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass? The +devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of war, Qui +potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook, +and ride as the world doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, +and said unto them, You reckon without your host. I am much afraid that, +before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no +great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of +pike and lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to +bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They +are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty +hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus +Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. For +God's sake, take you no care for that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge; +my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St. +Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their +backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along. + + + +Chapter 2.XXVII. + +How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge +another in remembrance of the hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his +farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge +broke a great staff over two glasses. + +Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that +you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy. Then +every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set +up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the +fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees, +stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with +steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a +gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness, +and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a +triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. And then Pantagruel, for an eternal +memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:-- + + Here was the prowess made apparent of + Four brave and valiant champions of proof, + Who, without any arms but wit, at once, + Like Fabius, or the two Scipions, + Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore + Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before. + By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight, + That sleight is much more prevalent than might. + + For victory, + As all men see, + Hangs on the ditty + Of that committee + Where the great God + Hath his abode. + + Nor doth he it to strong and great men give, + But to his elect, as we must believe; + Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem, + Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him. + +Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and +fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and +the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a +coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four +queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put +salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a +dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of +Beauvais. Then, in imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that +which followeth:-- + + Here was it that four jovial blades sat down + To a profound carousing, and to crown + Their banquet with those wines which please best great + Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state. + Then were the reins and furch of a young hare, + With salt and vinegar, displayed there, + Of which to snatch a bit or two at once + They all fell on like hungry scorpions. + + For th' Inventories + Of Defensories + Say that in heat + We must drink neat + All out, and of + The choicest stuff. + + But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh, + Unless with vinegar we it refresh. + Receive this tenet, then, without control, + That vinegar of that meat is the soul. + +Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too +long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest +eaters do the most martial exploits. There is no shadow like that of +flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of +armour. At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow +like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering +like that of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like +that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering +like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap, +and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel! +When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart +that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the +corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, +ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little +women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow +but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How +now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By G--, here be +brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will +beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them +pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time +they are increased mightily. But the cranes make war with them +continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for +these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call +whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and +choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their +spleen. + +At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both +of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of +them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot +from one another. Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and +a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the +staff did come just to the brims of the glasses. This done, he took a +great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My +masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for +just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either +breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop +of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our +Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or +goods. But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold! +said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this +log. Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop +of the water fell out of the glasses. Then said he, I know a great many +such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance. + + + +Chapter 2.XXVIII. + +How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the +Giants. + +After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away, +saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what +thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for, +as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I +will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven +thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly +and against reason thus to invade my country. Wherein Pantagruel feigned +that he had an army at sea. But the prisoner answered that he would yield +himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own +people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's +sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do. Whereunto +Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence +speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a +boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon +thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet +sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that +if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he +might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of +danger. + +The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the +battle he would have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantagruel said unto +him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole +confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my +part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in +arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but +all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that +in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the prisoner +requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his +ransom. To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor +ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy +way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil +company, lest some mischief befall thee. The prisoner being gone, +Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe +that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till +to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of +our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves, +but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour +of the first sleep. + +Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus +and his army. When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told +him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown +and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty +horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news. Besides that, he was +charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he +must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set +upon him. Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures. +But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken +with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of +the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that, +for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking +only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his +head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still +pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. Which when his captains, +bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to +try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it so +befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well +that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned; +that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his +captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards, +and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could. Every +man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle +it as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that +they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp. + +Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself +in this business. Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the +mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the +top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of +Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full +of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so +set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he was come near to +the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let +down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship, +that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons. + +Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that +there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and +thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which +Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some +scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar. +After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave +Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is +a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins, +the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides, +which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds +of diuretic or piss-procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to +Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you +can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge +their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking +a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and +pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great +voice, and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not +good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all +their powder. Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was +appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the +city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so +lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and +sleep, that they never perceived him. He came to the place where their +artillery was, and set their munition on fire. But here was the danger. +The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt. And had +it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting +pig. But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a +crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their +trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such +amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been +let loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? Even +no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to +matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock. + +In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark, +and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their +throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like +foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that +is in us! Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs +which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so +copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten +leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if +his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would +undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for +she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or +the Danube. Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They +are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. But they were +deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their +enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the +pavilions and some small light of the moon. + +The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in +the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not +tell what to say nor what to think. Some said that it was the end of the +world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire. Others again +thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them, +did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and +salt. + +O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself +against the three hundred giants! O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia, +inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the +logical bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to +have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought. Ah, +would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank +who shall read this so veridical history! + + + +Chapter 2.XXIX. + +How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone, +and Loupgarou their captain. + +The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus +upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to +his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy. When +Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants +coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old +fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an +honest. And for our part we will not fail you. I myself will kill to you +a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and +then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not +spare himself. Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst +them with point and edge, and by all manner of means. Well, said +Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be +wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two. That is well cacked, +well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules? You +have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than +ever Hercules had in all his body and soul. So much is a man worth as he +esteems himself. Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come +with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried +away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good +man. Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the +low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men +here, I will put you cruelly to death. It is my will that you let me fight +single. In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us. + +Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the +flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited +those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his +fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od, +fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at +all. Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against +one another. To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and +accordingly made them to banquet with them. In the meantime Panurge told +them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a +tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of +steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred +quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed +diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady's +Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at +most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call +cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no +matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but, +contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately. Thus, then, as he +approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up +his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making +such a vow as followeth. + +O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou +seest the distress wherein I am at this time. Nothing brings me hither but +a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend +themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own +proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a +business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and +service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence. For +thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business +is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive, +thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of +angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about +the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly +appeared in the army of Sennacherib. If it may please thee, therefore, at +this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone, +I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any +power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause +thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the +abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human +constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall +be quite exterminated from about me. + +This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven +saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt +overcome. Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open +was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as +he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry +to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians. +Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his +girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both +his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. At this Loupgarou was so highly +incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a +blow of his mace to have beat out his brains. But Pantagruel was very +nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his +left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow, +falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces, +and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground. Pantagruel, seeing +that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to +the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a +little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side, +with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders. After that, +advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the +upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top +thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein. + +Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the +wine that came forth had been his urine. Pantagruel, being not content +with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting +up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would +have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so +sprightfully carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good +Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of +his milt. But the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness +of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and +thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater +than nine thousand and six tons. Pantagruel, seeing him busy about +plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran +upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast +had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou's mace, which was +enchanted, as we have said before. By this means his mast broke off about +three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder, +and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou? Panurge, seeing that, said to +the king and the giants, By G--, they will hurt one another if they be not +parted. But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding. +Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of +the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir +hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a +suppository, which cannot choose but do me good. For in my belly I am very +costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many +filthy faces. Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end +of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no +more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith's anvil. In the +(mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having +already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who, +being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the +defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did +threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to +chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever +making any more poor men athirst! For then, without any more ado, +Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he +made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus +along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then Loupgarou cried out, +bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the +giants arose to succour him. But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not +go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and +alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief. But the giants +made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff. + +And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took +Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air, +wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst +those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason +doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before +him whom he threw not flat to the ground. And by the breaking of this +stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the +fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourges when it melted before +the sun. Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time +the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped +not one. Pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his +scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants; +but with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his head, which +happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille, or +Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip +whereof splintering abroad cut off Epistemon's neck clean and fair. For +otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy +brittle stone, and the rest with slates. At last, when he saw that they +were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against +the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza +thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a +farting duck, and a bridled goose. + + + +Chapter 2.XXX. + +How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and +of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in +hell. + +This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place +of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe +and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little +in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon, +who appeared not at all. Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would +have killed himself. But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while, +and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all. +Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his +head between his arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah, cruel +death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men? At which words +Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and +said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the +javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful. But Panurge answered, My +dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will +make him as sound as ever he was. In saying this, he took the head and +held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into +it. Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had +banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that +Pantagruel might see it. + +Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal +him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's wager. Leave +off, therefore, crying, and help me. Then cleansed he his neck very well +with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised +some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his +bags. Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it +on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against +spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally +hated. This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches +with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and +everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative. + +Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, +and afterwards let a great household fart. Whereupon Panurge said, Now, +certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full +glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast. In this fashion was +Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three +weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the +force of continual drinking. And now he began to speak, and said that he +had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very +merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before +them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows. But, in +respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon +called him back into this world again; for, said he, I took wonderful +delight to see them. How so? said Pantagruel. Because they do not use +them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do. Their estate +and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner; +for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon +old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living. + +Xerxes was a crier of mustard. +Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens. +Numa, a nailsmith. +Tarquin, a porter. +Piso, a clownish swain. +Sylla, a ferryman. +Cyrus, a cowherd. +Themistocles, a glass-maker. +Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses. +Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land. +Demosthenes, a vine-dresser. +Cicero, a fire-kindler. +Fabius, a threader of beads. +Artaxerxes, a rope-maker. +Aeneas, a miller. +Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles. +Agamemnon, a lick-box. +Ulysses, a hay-mower. +Nestor, a door-keeper or forester. +Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer. +Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer. +Camillus, a foot-post. +Marcellus, a sheller of beans. +Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses. +Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper. +Asdrubal, a lantern-maker. +Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells. +Priamus, a seller of old clouts. +Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses. + +All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row +over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my +lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in +the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice, +and oars at London. But with this difference, that these poor knights have +only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel +of coarse mouldy bread. + +Trajan was a fisher of frogs. +Antoninus, a lackey. +Commodus, a jet-maker. +Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. +Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells. +Justinian, a pedlar. +Hector, a snap-sauce scullion. +Paris was a poor beggar. +Cambyses, a mule-driver. + +Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a +windbroach. Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand +mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of +the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best. + +Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships. + +Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers +in hot houses. + +Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds. + +Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches. + +Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker. +Jason was a bracelet-maker. +Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences. +Morgan, a beer-brewer. +Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels. +Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion. +Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper. +Octavian, a scraper of parchment. +Nerva, a mariner. + +Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his +great buggerly beard. + +John of Paris was a greaser of boots. +Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps. +Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots. +Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots. +Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper. +Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher. +Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox. + +What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too? Surely, said +Epistemon, I never saw so many: there are there, I think, above a hundred +millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world +must have it in the other. + +Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole +of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of +the ripest. + +Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour. +The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses. +Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps. +The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers. +Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non. +Pope Urban, a bacon-picker. +Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench. +Matabrune, a laundress. +Cleopatra, a crier of onions. +Helen, a broker for chambermaids. +Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer. +Dido did sell mushrooms. +Penthesilea sold cresses. +Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper. +Hortensia, a spinstress. +Livia, a grater of verdigris. + +After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but +a poor scurvy wretched living there below. And, on the contrary, the +philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and +wanting, were great lords there in their turn. I saw Diogenes there strut +it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown +on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand. And, which is more, he +would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he +abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his +skin with sound bastinadoes. I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly +apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with +store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making +good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun. Above the lattice were +written these verses for his device: + + To leap and dance, to sport and play, + And drink good wine both white and brown, + Or nothing else do all the day + But tell bags full of many a crown. + +When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I +being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most +theologically. In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for +the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper. No, +no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings. +Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man. Cyrus was +exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues, +the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it +away from him by night. I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus, +who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how +much a dozen. Three blanks, said the Pope. Nay, said Pathelin, three +blows with a cudgel. Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more. +The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the +pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies. Whereupon +his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would +have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master John Le +Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor +kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon +him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the +pardons; they are good cheap. I absolve you of bread and pottage, and +dispense with you to be never good for anything. Then, calling Caillet and +Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch +their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins. +Which accordingly was forthwith performed. I heard Master Francis Villon +ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes. To +which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain! As much of +square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to +enhance the price of victuals. With this he pissed in his pot, as the +mustard-makers of Paris used to do. I saw the trained bowman of the bathing +tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of +the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water +against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him +heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for +Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of +beer. + +Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time, +only tell us how the usurers are there handled. I saw them, said +Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails +in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this +world. But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there +valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very +bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it. Thus the poor misers are +sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, +and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come. +Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so +cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in +hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it. + +Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink, +my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month. Then +did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their +leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer. But the poor King Anarchus +could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon +Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may +be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils +of hell? Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee. Do with +him what thou wilt, I give him to thee. Gramercy, said Panurge, the present +is not to be refused, and I love it from you. + + + +Chapter 2.XXXI. + +How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge +married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier +of green sauce. + +After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the +Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken +prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown. Which news when they +heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order, +and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into +the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts +thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good +victuals, set out in the middle of the streets. This was a renewing of the +golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they +made. + +But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of +the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot. +It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how +to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect let +those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after +drinking, for then will I begin to march. Not that I need any more men +than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way +as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that +they scarce can turn in the streets. I will, therefore, carry them as a +colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair, +wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as +many of you can tell who have been there heretofore. Everyone of you, +therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said. +This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning +there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen +hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children. +Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did +the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red +Sea. + +But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how +Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that +which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were +used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and +ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty +little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light +horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and +stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight, +--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--I +lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and +green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become +him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing +him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister? No, +indeed, said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the +three batches, or threadbare sovereign. I intend to make him an honest +man. These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves; +they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs +to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their +unjust and detestable pleasure. I will put him to a trade, and make him a +crier of green sauce. Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce? +and the poor devil cried. That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by +the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut. So, so poor devil, thou +hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king. And +Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he +was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of +a staff. Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce. Two days +thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he +himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with +mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads +unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing. +And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some +sorbapple-cider. And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that +made music to them with a wind-broach. + +After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and +said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack. +Why? said Pantagruel. Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up +already. What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel. Do not you see, said +Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole +they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make +an incision in them and slit them? So this new bride is in her lower parts +well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind. + +Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of +stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do +their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever +was seen in the country of Utopia. But I have been told since that his +wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself, +he is so simple. + + + +Chapter 2.XXXII. + +How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author +saw in his mouth. + +Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the +Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves +unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the +cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to +hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield +but upon very honourable and good conditions. + +What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the +pot and the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack them, and put them +all to the sword. Then did they put themselves in good order, as being +fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a +large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they +began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one +another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that +it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be +nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves +in order, and he would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close +order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew +out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her +chickens. In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable +stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in +largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them +thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could +not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard's end there is +no cloth left. Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along +full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came +into his mouth. But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there? Jupiter +confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie! I walked there as they do +in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the +mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth. I saw also fair +meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons +or Poictiers. The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow +planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend, +what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he. But how, and +wherewith? said I. Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as +heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich. Thus do I get my poor +living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here +behind. Jesus! said I, is there here a new world? Sure, said he, it is +never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is +an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and +that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this +is more ancient than that. Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of +that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? It is called +Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men, +and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now, +in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of +whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons? Sir, said he, +they come from the other world. Then I thought that, when Pantagruel +yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it +had been a pigeon-house. + +Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a +good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket. +Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any +danger of the plague here? O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so +fast that the cart runs about the streets. Good God! said I, and where? +Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two +great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading. And the +cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which +lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and +twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this +sevennight. Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank +and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did +eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid. + +Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and +never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the +pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries, +sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer +outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and +delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my +life as then. After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the +chaps. But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in +the territory towards the ears. Then, after a little further travelling, I +fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where +I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by. Can +you tell how? By sleeping. For there they hire men by the day to sleep, +and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at +least ninepence. How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the +senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad +livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have +with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and +beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and +Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth. But it is far better +living on this side, and the air is purer. Then I began to think that it +is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth +not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written +of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited, +besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea. Concerning which purpose I +have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because +they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel. + +At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself +upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell +before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest +thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord. And how +long hast thou been there? said he. Since the time, said I, that you went +against the Almirods. That is about six months ago, said he. And +wherewith didst thou live? What didst thou drink? I answered, My lord, of +the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through +your throat I took toll. Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? In +your throat, my lord, said I. Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he. +We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will +give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin. Gramercy, my +lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you. + + + +Chapter 2.XXXIII. + +How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered. + +A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an +obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and, +because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which +tormented him more than you would believe. His physicians nevertheless +helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made +him piss away his pain. His urine was so hot that since that time it is +not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to +the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as-- + + At Coderets. + At Limous. + At Dast. + At Ballervie (Balleruc). + At Neric. + At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy. + At Mongros. + At Appone. + At Sancto Petro de Padua. + At St. Helen. + At Casa Nuova. + At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne. + At the Porrette, and a thousand other places. + +And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who +spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh, +whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that +is within the mine. For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for +them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus +in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution +is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths +came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel. + +Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease. I +let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound +weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia, +an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other +confuse jumblings of sundry drugs. You must understand that by the advice +of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should +be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper, +each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St. +Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst +and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a +lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a +little pill. Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every +one of them a shovel on his neck. Into nine others entered nine +wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were +they swallowed down like pills. When they were in his stomach, every one +undid his spring, and came out of their cabins. The first whereof was he +that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a +most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or +the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona, +whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been that they had very well +antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle, +they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable +vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the +masks or mufflers of young mangy queans. After that, with groping and +smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours. +Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth. Then fell the +pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the +baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball. + +This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them +out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours. But, +when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians +coming out of the Trojan horse. By this means was he healed and brought +unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or +rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy +Cross Church. + + + +Chapter 2.XXXIV. + +The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author. + +Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my +lord and master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end of the first book. My +head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are +somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice. You shall have +the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you +see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his +wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how +he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian +mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the +Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter +of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and +burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw +Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that +was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether +indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three +quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all +veritable. These are brave things truly. Good night, gentlemen. +Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your +own. + +If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in +writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you, +that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them. +Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of +pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a +great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints, +demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks, +and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to +deceive the world. For, whilst they give the common people to understand +that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in +fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and +aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that, +on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed +Bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great letters in the colouring of +their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when +they perfume themselves with sulphur. As for their study, it is wholly +taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time +merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling, +sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and +diabliculating, that is, calumniating. Wherein they are like unto the poor +rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure +and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and +that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to +make thereof pomander oil. Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much +as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it. And +if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace, +joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that +always peep out at one hole. + +End of Book II. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK II. *** + +***** This file should be named 8167.txt or 8167.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/6/8167/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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