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+Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II., by Francois Rabelais
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II.
+       Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And
+       His Son Pantagruel
+       
+
+Author: Francois Rabelais
+
+Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8167]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK II. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS
+
+
+FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF
+
+GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL
+
+
+Book II.
+
+
+Translated into English by
+
+Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty
+
+and
+
+Peter Antony Motteux
+
+
+
+
+The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the
+first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation.  Footnotes initialled 'M.'
+are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the
+translator.  Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in
+1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship.
+Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708.  Occasionally (as
+the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from
+the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND BOOK.
+
+
+
+For the Reader.
+
+The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by
+the title of 'Rablophila', premised to the first book of this translation,
+being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published
+(as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities
+in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant
+subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator's, at the
+desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of
+skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their
+fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more,
+thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for
+satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that,
+therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be
+imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the
+latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford
+complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting
+what was recommended to their discretion.  This is hoped will suffice to
+assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise of the translator's,
+whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest
+rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence
+dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any
+complacency in the disparagement of another.
+
+Again.
+
+The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of
+this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it
+comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and
+wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of
+any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen
+hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech
+that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year
+1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were
+constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to
+be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder
+faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a
+person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house
+garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at
+London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest
+entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his
+inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised,
+besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer
+up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other
+three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the
+plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath
+already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby
+he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing
+too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent
+undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the
+said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by
+him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in
+the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not
+either read them or heard of them.
+
+
+
+Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais.
+
+If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice
+T' extol an author's worth above the skies,
+Thou certainly for both must praised be:
+I know it; for thy judgment hath in the
+Contexture of this book set down such high
+Contentments, mingled with utility,
+That (as I think) I see Democritus
+Laughing at men as things ridiculous.
+    Insist in thy design; for, though we prove
+    Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who
+willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and
+honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and
+understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty giant
+Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be
+true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with
+them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long
+stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of
+great praise and sempiternal memory.  And I do heartily wish that every man
+would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor
+trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend
+this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else,
+until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of
+printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should
+perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver
+them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious
+cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky
+loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these
+little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions of
+Justinian.
+
+I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going
+a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not
+encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course,
+or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings,
+perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have
+been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort
+unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to
+relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua.  There are others in
+the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being
+much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon
+physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no
+more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of
+linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that
+smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise
+called doribus.
+
+But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and
+the gout?  O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were
+anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the
+keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of
+little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed
+from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have
+driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then?  All their
+consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them.
+And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of
+old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement
+of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a
+purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find
+their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is read unto them.  Is
+this nothing?  Find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science
+whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I
+will be content to pay you a quart of tripes.  No, my masters, no; it is
+peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for
+ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive.  And those that will
+pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers,
+predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people.  It is very true
+that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high
+estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are
+reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William
+without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not
+comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by
+infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath
+received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of
+them in two months' time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.
+
+I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace
+and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book
+of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of
+credit than the other was.  For think not, unless you wilfully will err
+against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law.  I
+was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or
+affirm a thing for true that was not.  I speak of it like a lusty frolic
+onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an
+ass's braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire crotte,
+croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of
+protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the martyrized lovers, and
+croquenotary of love.  Quod vidimus, testamur.  It is of the horrible and
+dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have
+been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by his leave I am
+permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there
+be alive.
+
+And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a
+hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case
+that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like
+manner, St. Anthony's fire burn you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the
+squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss
+you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of
+wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver,
+enter into your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you
+fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly
+believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND BOOK.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.I.
+
+Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel.
+
+It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to
+put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto
+us the good Pantagruel.  For I see that all good historiographers have thus
+handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins,
+but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers.  You must therefore
+remark that at the beginning of the world--I speak of a long time; it is
+above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the
+supputation of the ancient Druids--a little after that Abel was killed by
+his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one
+year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to
+us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath
+been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a
+bushel.  In it the kalends were found by the Grecian almanacks.  There was
+that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle
+of August was in May.  In the month of October, as I take it, or at least
+September, that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was
+the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three
+Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years,
+called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped and stumbled a
+little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming
+right upon him to arrest him:  and the moon varied from her course above
+five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the
+firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade,
+leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named
+Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the
+Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and
+matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in
+them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have
+reached thither.
+
+However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily
+eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious.
+But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound,
+and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that
+nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which
+they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he
+was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and
+women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit,
+but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell
+upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in
+the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly
+strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, Ventrem
+omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades.  And of this
+race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday (Pansart, Mardigras.).  Others
+did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that
+they were therefore called Montifers, which is as much to say as
+Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and
+degrees.  Of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds
+you have in writing.  Some other puffs did swell in length by the member
+which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew
+marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the
+antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it
+five or six times about their waist:  but if it happened the foresaid
+member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the
+wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken
+them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring
+or tilting whintam (quintain).  Of these, believe me, the race is utterly
+lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually
+that there are none extant now of those great, &c.  You know the rest of
+the song.  Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three
+of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat.
+From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in
+codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches.  Others grew in the
+legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the
+reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or
+else men walking upon stilts or scatches.  The little grammar-school boys,
+known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in
+allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg.  In others,
+their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in
+every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of
+crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with
+thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have
+you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the physician of
+Angiers.  Of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of
+them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice.  Naso and Ovid had
+their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne
+reminiscaris.  Others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one
+would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and
+a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with
+a Spanish cloak:  and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet.
+Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them
+Pantagruel.
+
+And the first was Chalbroth,
+Who begat Sarabroth,
+Who begat Faribroth,
+Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned
+  in the time of the flood;
+Who begat Nembroth,
+Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling;
+Who begat Goliah,
+Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain;
+Who begat Titius,
+Who begat Eryon,
+Who begat Polyphemus,
+Who begat Cacus,
+Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking
+  fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth;
+Who begat Enceladus,
+Who begat Ceus,
+Who begat Tiphaeus,
+Who begat Alaeus,
+Who begat Othus,
+Who begat Aegeon,
+Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands;
+Who begat Porphyrio,
+Who begat Adamastor,
+Who begat Anteus,
+Who begat Agatho,
+Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great;
+Who begat Aranthas,
+Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of
+  healths;
+Who begat Goliah of Secondille,
+Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the
+  barrel-head;
+Who begat Artachaeus,
+Who begat Oromedon,
+Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are
+  open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet;
+Who begat Sisyphus,
+Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;
+Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of
+  taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands;
+Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France
+  and Roland's comrade;
+Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with
+  spectacles;
+Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of
+  him was born Ferragus,
+Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of
+  neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted
+  them as they do now gammons of bacon;
+Who begat Bolivorax,
+Who begat Longis,
+Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of
+  the service or sorb-apple-tree;
+Who begat Maschefain,
+Who begat Bruslefer,
+Who begat Angoulevent,
+Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons;
+Who begat Mirelangaut,
+Who begat Gallaffre,
+Who begat Falourdin,
+Who begat Roboast,
+Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,
+Who begat Brushant of Mommiere,
+Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of
+  France;
+Who begat Mabrun,
+Who begat Foutasnon,
+Who begat Haquelebac,
+Who begat Vitdegrain,
+Who begat Grangousier,
+Who begat Gargantua,
+Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master.
+
+I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves,
+and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible
+that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the
+world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with him in the
+ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted.  Doubtless the demand is
+well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is
+not rightly caulked.  And because I was not at that time to tell you
+anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the
+Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact
+Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within
+the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat
+astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as
+little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of
+Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his hackney the great
+murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and
+pleasant amble without all question.
+
+In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with
+his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned
+it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder.  Those that were
+within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very
+thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them.  And sometimes they did
+talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of
+Lucian.  Have you understood all this well?  Drink then one good draught
+without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do I not, quoth she.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.II.
+
+Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.
+
+Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat
+his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of
+the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully
+great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of
+the world without thus suffocating his mother.  But that we may fully
+understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his
+baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so
+great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and
+six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more
+without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched
+and withered by it.  Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in
+the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be
+seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it.  The grass was without verdure
+or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor
+fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and
+crying upon the ground most horribly.  The birds did fall down from the air
+for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them.  The wolves, foxes,
+harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers,
+and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths
+open.  In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay
+out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours.  Many did throw
+themselves into the wells.  Others entered within a cow's belly to be in
+the shade; those Homer calls Alibants.  All the country was idle, and could
+do no virtue.  It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of
+mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific
+drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the
+churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel
+of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to
+take above one lick.  Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have
+seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the
+distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some
+little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest
+anything should be lost.  O how happy was he in that year who had a cool
+cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!
+
+The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the
+sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his
+resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the
+art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics
+of the latitude of the sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so
+near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it,
+burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea,
+and the huffsnuffs St. James's way; although the most coped, lofty, and
+high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk fell when
+she gave suck to Hercules.  The earth at that time was so excessively
+heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it
+sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and
+this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of
+those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to
+me.
+
+Just such another case fell out this same year:  for on a certain Friday,
+when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly
+processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings
+of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and
+disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the
+ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top
+sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very
+profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture
+in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply
+the default of that.  Other learned men said that it was a shower of the
+antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium,
+speaking of the source and spring of Nilus.  But they were deceived, for,
+the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew,
+and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but
+pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest
+water of the sea.  And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his
+father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and
+Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that
+at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing
+that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty
+Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident
+sign.  For when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and
+that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her
+belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of
+them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued
+forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried
+neat's tongues on their backs.  Then followed seven camels loaded with
+links and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages.  After them came out
+five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with
+five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides
+the thiller.  At the sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet
+some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for
+we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily
+like Lansman Dutches.  Truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but
+what is fit for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going.  As
+they were tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold!
+out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired
+with a prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he is born
+with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live
+he shall have age.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.III.
+
+Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife
+Badebec.
+
+When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than
+was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec dead,
+and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he
+knew not what to say nor what to do.  And the doubt that troubled his brain
+was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for
+the joy of his son.  He was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments,
+for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve
+them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught
+in a trap or kite snared in a gin.  Shall I weep? said he.  Yes, for why?
+My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever
+was in the world.  Never shall I see her, never shall I recover such
+another; it is unto me an inestimable loss!  O my good God, what had I done
+that thou shouldest thus punish me?  Why didst thou not take me away before
+her, seeing for me to live without her is but to languish?  Ah, Badebec,
+Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my
+little c-- (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five
+poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure),
+my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey,
+never shall I see thee!  Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good
+mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady!  O false death, how
+injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me!  How malicious and
+outrageous have I found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife,
+to whom immortality did of right belong!
+
+With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing
+like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind.  Ha, my little son, said
+he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogue!
+O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath
+been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so
+smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle!  Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am!  Let
+us drink, ho, and put away melancholy!  Bring of the best, rinse the
+glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light
+candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send
+away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown.  I will
+strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and
+keep them company.
+
+As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests
+that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he
+was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God! must I
+again contrist myself?  This grieves me.  I am no longer young, I grow old,
+the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be
+foiled, if not quite undone.  By the faith of a gentleman, it were better
+to cry less, and drink more.  My wife is dead, well, by G--! (da jurandi) I
+shall not raise her again by my crying:  she is well, she is in paradise at
+least, if she be no higher:  she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she
+is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her.  What
+though she be dead, must not we also die?  The same debt which she hath
+paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of
+us some day taste of the same sauce.  Let her pass then, and the Lord
+preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to get another wife.
+But I will tell you what you shall do, said he to the midwives, in France
+called wise women (where be they, good folks?  I cannot see them):  Go you
+to my wife's interment, and I will the while rock my son; for I find myself
+somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of
+falling sick; but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for
+it.  And believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her
+burial and funeral obsequies.  In the meanwhile, poor Gargantua staying at
+home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven
+upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as followeth.
+
+  Dead is the noble Badebec,
+  Who had a face like a rebeck;
+  A Spanish body, and a belly
+  Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye,
+  In childbirth.  Pray to God, that her
+  He pardon wherein she did err.
+  Here lies her body, which did live
+  Free from all vice, as I believe,
+    And did decease at my bedside,
+    The year and day in which she died.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.IV.
+
+Of the infancy of Pantagruel.
+
+I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been born
+in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to
+repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much
+leisure.  Yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of
+Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little
+time he was in his mother's belly he grew both in body and strength.  That
+which Hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew two serpents,
+for those serpents were but little and weak, but Pantagruel, being yet in
+the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at.  I
+pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the
+milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet
+to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of Somure in
+Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine.  And they
+served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet to
+be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but his teeth
+were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, that of the
+said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this
+hour.
+
+One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows
+--for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us--he got one of
+his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept fast in the
+cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and grasping her
+to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the
+kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly, as
+if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in and
+took away the said cow from Pantagruel.  Yet could they not so well do it
+but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which
+quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you
+would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more, that, when
+they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole,
+as a cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to
+say, Good, good, good--for he could not yet speak plain--giving them to
+understand thereby that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but
+so much more.  Which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with
+great cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the carriage of
+salt to Lyons, or such as those are whereby the great French ship rides at
+anchor in the road of Newhaven in Normandy.  But, on a certain time, a
+great bear, which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began
+to lick his face, for his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at
+which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid
+himself of those great cables as Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith
+the Philistines had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the
+bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a
+gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal.
+
+Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused
+four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden
+arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge frames.
+Of those chains you have one at Rochelle, which they draw up at night
+betwixt the two great towers of the haven.  Another is at Lyons,--a third
+at Angiers,--and the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer,
+who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that did
+extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant's soul fried for
+his breakfast.  And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas de Lyra
+saith upon that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og Regem
+Basan, that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious,
+that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle.  Thus
+continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able
+so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the cradle to
+give a swing with his arms.  But see what happened once upon a great
+holiday that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the
+princes of his court.  I am apt to believe that the menial officers of the
+house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast,
+that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum,
+behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken.  What did he?  Hark what he did,
+good people.  He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with
+his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him.  Then did he
+keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat
+out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great
+post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he
+slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and
+then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back,
+bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have
+seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five
+hundred tons upon one end.  In this manner he entered into the great hall
+where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright
+the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach
+anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take
+with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel.  Which
+when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without
+giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be
+loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there
+present.  Besides that also the physicians of Gargantua said that, if they
+did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to
+the stone.  When he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after
+he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five
+hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the
+midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.V.
+
+Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age.
+
+Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone's eye waxed more and
+more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural
+affection.  Therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet
+little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they
+call the great crossbow at Chantelle.  Then he sent him to the school to
+learn, and to spend his youth in virtue.  In the prosecution of which
+design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very
+much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how
+to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that
+one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there Passelourdin, a
+huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and fourteen handfuls
+thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a
+field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when they had nothing
+else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it
+with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it
+with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the
+lifted stone.  And in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the
+register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted capable
+of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the caballine
+fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted
+stone.
+
+Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found
+that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great tooth,
+grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the
+son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was
+interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a little
+vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a visit as
+unto an honest man.  And going from Poictiers with some of his companions,
+they passed by the Guge (Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon; then
+by Lusignan, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay-le-Comte,
+saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais,
+where he went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey with the great
+tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose
+lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an
+extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of his
+scabbard.  When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the said
+place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus
+atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets have liberty to
+paint and devise what they list after their own fancy.  But he was not
+satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a
+cause, and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him,
+whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge.  I will inquire further
+into it, and then do what shall be reasonable.  Then he returned not to
+Poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of France.
+Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at Bordeaux,
+where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some
+mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the
+river-side.  From thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance very
+well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars
+of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may
+have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw that they
+did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, Now God forbid
+that I should die this death! for I am by nature sufficiently dry already,
+without heating myself any further.
+
+He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux,
+and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the
+study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome
+and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old devils.
+Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were
+but three scald- and one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from
+thence, and in his way made the bridge of Guard and the amphitheatre of
+Nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more
+divine than human work.  After that he came to Avignon, where he was not
+above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great
+delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is papal ground.
+Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that
+place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphiny, where he saw no great
+matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town did beat the
+scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a certain very
+fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and
+one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of
+that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the
+admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so belaboured
+them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all
+before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and would have there
+drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a
+full half-league under the river.  The hole is to be seen there yet.
+
+After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came
+to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued
+there some space, but that the plague drove them away.  So from thence he
+came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much
+in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the
+civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe
+of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to
+be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects, but
+the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius, is so
+scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and
+villainy.
+
+Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering
+scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he
+learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game.  For
+the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes
+they carried him unto Cupid's houses of commerce (in that city termed
+islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with other
+houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at the
+sport of poussavant, which the wenches of London call the ferkers in and
+in.  As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial care
+not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes.  Which he the
+rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there
+called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any
+to the sight.  For this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, or
+graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of learning
+had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he could dance
+very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the licentiates
+in the said university, saying,
+
+  So you have in your hand a racket,
+  A tennis-ball in your cod-placket,
+  A Pandect law in your cap's tippet,
+  And that you have the skill to trip it
+  In a low dance, you will b' allowed
+  The grant of the licentiate's hood.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VI.
+
+How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the
+French language.
+
+Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with
+some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we
+enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar
+that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one
+another, asked him thus, My friend, from whence comest thou now?  The
+scholar answered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which
+is vocitated Lutetia.  What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one
+of his men.  It is, answered he, from Paris.  Thou comest from Paris then,
+said Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the
+students of Paris?  The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the
+dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the
+urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary
+amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and
+omnigenal feminine sex.  Upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares,
+and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime
+recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules.  Then do we
+cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the
+Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with
+petrocile.  And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our
+marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we
+dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the
+coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and patriotic Lares.  To which
+Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this?  By the Lord, I think
+thou art some kind of heretick.  My lord, no, said the scholar; for
+libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, I
+demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there,
+irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little parcels of
+some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary
+precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations.
+I revere the Olympicols.  I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent.  I
+dilige and redame my proxims.  I observe the decalogical precepts, and,
+according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one
+late unguicule.  Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth
+not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent
+to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate
+their stipe.
+
+Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say?  I think he is
+upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he
+would charm us.  To whom one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this
+fellow would counterfeit the language of the Parisians, but he doth only
+flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in
+most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a
+great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of
+speaking.  To which Pantagruel said, Is it true?  The scholar answered, My
+worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious
+nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular Gallic, but
+vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it
+with the Latinicome redundance.  By G--, said Pantagruel, I will teach you
+to speak.  But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art.  To this the
+scholar answered, The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary
+of the Lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St.
+Martial.  I understand thee very well, said Pantagruel.  When all comes to
+all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech
+counterfeit the Parisians.  Well now, come hither, I must show thee a new
+trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat.  With this he took him by the
+throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. John, I will make
+thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive.  Then began the poor
+Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord, my halp, and St. Marshaw!
+haw, I'm worried.  Haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck!  Haw,
+for gauad's seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw.  Now, said
+Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor
+Limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which
+were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having
+in the seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and therefore in French called,
+de chausses a queue de merlus.  Then, said Pantagruel, St. Alipantin, what
+civet?  Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks! and so let
+him go.  But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror to him all the days
+of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often,
+distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that
+Pantagruel held him by the neck.  Besides that, it procured him a continual
+drought and desire to drink, so that after some few years he died of the
+death Roland, in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance,
+showing us that which saith the philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it
+becometh us to speak according to the common language; and that we should,
+as said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms
+with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use to avoid
+the rocks and banks in the sea.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VII.
+
+How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St.
+Victor.
+
+After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see
+the great University at Paris; but, before his departure, he was informed
+that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans,
+under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen
+years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much
+as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in
+Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon,
+Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose.
+Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens and
+inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower that
+was erected for it.  With that he came to the place where it was, and
+lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would
+have done a hawk's bell or bellwether's tingle-tangle; but, before he would
+carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs
+make some music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets
+as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad.  But
+there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and
+ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly,
+waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did perceive till the night
+following; for every man found himself so altered and a-dry with drinking
+these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as
+Malta cotton, saying, We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are
+salted.  This done, he came to Paris with his retinue.  And at his entry
+everyone came out to see him--as you know well enough that the people of
+Paris is sottish by nature, by B flat and B sharp--and beheld him with
+great astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the
+palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his father
+formerly had done the great peal of bells at Our Lady's Church to tie about
+his mare's neck.  Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied
+very well in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live
+in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used
+in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men's bones.  In his abode
+there he found the library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one,
+especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory
+and Catalogue, Et primo,
+
+The for Godsake of Salvation.
+The Codpiece of the Law.
+The Slipshoe of the Decretals.
+The Pomegranate of Vice.
+The Clew-bottom of Theology.
+The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin.
+The Churning Ballock of the Valiant.
+The Henbane of the Bishops.
+Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis.
+Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum
+  ad placitum.
+The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in
+  travail at the bringing forth of a child.
+Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum).
+The Mustard-pot of Penance.
+The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience.
+Formicarium artium.
+De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem
+  Jacobinum.
+The Cosened or Gulled in Court.
+The Frail of the Scriveners.
+The Marriage-packet.
+The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation.
+The Flimflams of the Law.
+The Prickle of Wine.
+The Spur of Cheese.
+Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium.
+Tartaretus de modo cacandi.
+The Bravades of Rome.
+Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum.
+The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline.
+The Cobbled Shoe of Humility.
+The Trivet of good Thoughts.
+The Kettle of Magnanimity.
+The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors.
+The Snatchfare of the Curates.
+Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis
+  lardslicionibus libri tres.
+Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis,
+  tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.
+The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests.
+The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.
+Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.
+The Bagpipe of the Prelates.
+Beda de optimitate triparum.
+The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits.
+The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.
+Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.
+The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences.
+Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c.,
+  Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio
+  enucidi-luculidissima.
+Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet.
+Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti.
+De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro
+  de Quebecu.
+The Sauciness of Country-Stewards.
+M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda,
+  libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.
+The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters.
+(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.)
+Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit
+  comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem
+  hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.
+The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.
+Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
+The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals.
+De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.
+Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.
+The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil.
+(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis
+  blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
+The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's
+  mule doth eat but at set times.
+Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the
+  deep-dreaming gull Sion.
+Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem,
+  cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non.
+The Shitabranna of the Maids.
+The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.
+The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks.
+The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars.
+The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.
+The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.
+The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.
+The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.
+The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk.
+Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum,
+  libri quadriginta.
+Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.
+The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders.
+The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo.
+The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches.
+Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.
+R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum.
+Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra.
+Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis,
+  libri octo galantissimi.
+The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate
+  Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal
+  Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis.
+A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox.
+Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium.
+The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants.
+The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.
+The Hotchpot of Hypocrites.
+The History of the Hobgoblins.
+The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers.
+The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries.
+The Litter of Treasurers.
+The Juglingatorium of Sophisters.
+Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium.
+The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.
+The Push-forward of the Alchemists.
+The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis.
+The Shackles of Religion.
+The Racket of Swag-waggers.
+The Leaning-stock of old Age.
+The Muzzle of Nobility.
+The Ape's Paternoster.
+The Crickets and Hawk's-bells of Devotion.
+The Pot of the Ember-weeks.
+The Mortar of the Politic Life.
+The Flap of the Hermits.
+The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.
+The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.
+Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum.
+Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.
+The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.
+The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.
+Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.
+The Cymbals of Ladies.
+The Dunger's Martingale.
+Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.
+The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart.
+The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows.
+Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
+The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons.
+Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.
+Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.
+The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars.
+The Morris-dance of the Heretics.
+The Whinings of Cajetan.
+Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et
+  Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.
+Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.
+The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars.
+The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt,
+  incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum.
+The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience.
+The Fat Belly of the Presidents.
+The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots.
+Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod
+  Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
+Cacatorium medicorum.
+The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.
+Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C.
+The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.
+The Kissbreech of Chirurgery.
+Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis.
+Antidotarium animae.
+Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum.
+The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden.
+The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses.
+The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu.
+The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.
+
+Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at
+the press in this noble city of Tubingen.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VIII.
+
+How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua,
+and the copy of them.
+
+Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited
+accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit,
+together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil
+budgets or butts of olives.  And, as he was there abiding one day, he
+received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.
+
+Most dear Son,--Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the
+sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at
+the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may
+in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of
+this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a
+progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony.  Whereby that in
+some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our
+first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the
+commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be
+brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at
+first had been created.
+
+But by this means of seminal propagation there ("Which continueth" in the
+old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in
+the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively
+until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered
+up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all
+danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and
+corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations,
+seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and
+that all things shall be brought to their end and period.  And, therefore,
+not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour
+and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age
+reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and
+governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, I shall not
+account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another,
+considering that, in and by that, I continue in my visible image living in
+the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good
+friends, as I was wont to do.  Which conversation of mine, although it was
+not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought
+continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of
+his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of
+reproach before men.
+
+Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I am
+endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be
+esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the
+immortality of our name.  But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small
+pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the
+body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul,
+and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate
+and abastardized.  This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of
+thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee
+yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better.  And that which I now
+write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous
+course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and
+cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the
+prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking
+thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so
+helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see
+thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in
+virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and
+so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me
+thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee,
+yet such in my desire.
+
+But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his
+best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political
+knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea,
+went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the
+time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present,
+neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had.  For that time
+was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of
+the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set
+footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine
+goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with
+such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be
+admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--I say, I,
+who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of
+that age.  Which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully
+do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority
+of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in
+the book entitled How a man may praise himself without envy--but to give
+thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.
+
+Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of
+discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct.
+Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored,
+viz., Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a
+scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin.  Printing likewise is now in
+use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it
+was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical
+suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance.  All the world
+is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries;
+and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor
+Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying as
+we see at this day there is.  Nor must any adventure henceforward to come
+in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well
+polished in the shop of Minerva.  I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters,
+tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more
+learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time.
+
+What shall I say?  The very women and children have aspired to this praise
+and celestial manner of good learning.  Yet so it is that, in the age I am
+now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue--which I
+contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to
+attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's
+Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and
+the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator
+shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory
+pilgrimage.  Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth to
+profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue.  Thou art
+at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy
+mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the
+learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee
+in the arts and sciences.
+
+I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly;
+first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin;
+and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and
+Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation of
+Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero.  Let there be no history which thou
+shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design,
+books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much.  Of the
+liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some taste
+when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old.  Proceed
+further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst.  As for astronomy,
+study all the rules thereof.  Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and
+judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain
+abuses and vanities.  As for the civil law, of that I would have thee to
+know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy.
+
+Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have thee
+to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of
+which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the
+several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the
+sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various
+metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the
+diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south
+parts of the world.  Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee.  Then
+fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian, and
+Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by
+frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world,
+called the microcosm, which is man.  And at some hours of the day apply thy
+mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New
+Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in
+Hebrew.  In brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of
+knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man,
+thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn
+chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to
+defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all
+their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers.
+
+Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited,
+which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and
+conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the
+company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere.  But because, as the
+wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that
+knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee
+to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all
+thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou
+mayst never be separated from him by thy sins.  Suspect the abuses of the
+world.  Set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the
+Word of the Lord endureth for ever.  Be serviceable to all thy neighbours,
+and love them as thyself.  Reverence thy preceptors:  shun the conversation
+of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the
+graces which God hath bestowed upon thee.  And, when thou shalt see that
+thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that
+part, return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before
+I die.  My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee.  Amen.
+
+    Thy father Gargantua.
+
+  From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March.
+
+These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart,
+took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in
+his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains,
+and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of
+his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so
+active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.IX.
+
+How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime.
+
+One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St.
+Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and
+some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and
+surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts
+thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his
+apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order
+that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury
+he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition
+wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.
+
+As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you
+see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton
+bridge?  By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that
+by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some
+rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon
+adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and
+penury.  Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me
+entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and
+answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not
+think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my
+ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you are;
+because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great
+pity.  Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither
+you go; what you desire; and what your name is.  The companion answered him
+in the German (The first edition reads "Dutch.") tongue, thus:
+
+'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil.  Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz
+euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding,
+und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu
+erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren
+Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth
+vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust.'  My friend, said Pantagruel, I
+have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us
+to understand you, speak to us in some other language.  Then did the droll
+answer him thus:
+
+'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras.
+Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim;
+kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch
+dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth.  Nin hur diavosth
+mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min
+foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.'  Do you understand none of
+this? said Pantagruel to the company.  I believe, said Epistemon, that this
+is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil
+himself knows not what to make of it.  Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know
+not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us
+here doth so much as understand one syllable of them.  Then said my blade
+again:
+
+'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai,
+s'ella non ha il ventre pieno.  Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le
+mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione.  Al
+quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine
+naturale et del tutto annichilati.'  To which Epistemon answered, As much
+of the one as of the other, and nothing of either.  Then said Panurge:
+
+'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved
+to the body, you should have pity of me.  For nature hath made us equal,
+but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue
+often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none
+is good.'  (The following is the passage as it stands in the first edition.
+Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais' indifferent English into worse
+Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his MS., or 'the
+oddness' of handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p.419,
+Mait. Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly
+impossible to reduce to order.--Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here
+given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence:  ass yi body
+scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse
+equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit:  non yeless
+iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye
+ladeniss non quid.'  Here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its
+teeth in.--M.)  Yet less, said Pantagruel.  Then said my jolly Panurge:
+
+'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser
+landa.  Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine
+den.  Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura
+assia.  Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna.  Estou oussyc eg vinan
+soury hien er darstura eguy harm.  Genicoa plasar vadu.'  Are you there,
+said Eudemon, Genicoa?  To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian's rammer
+unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it.  Then answered Panurge:
+
+'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny
+Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays.  Couille kalmuch monach
+drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de
+vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.'  Do you speak Christian, said
+Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois?  Nay, it
+is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois.  Then
+said Panurge:
+
+'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele:  my dunkt
+noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat
+ik begeere:  geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.'
+To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that.  Then said Panurge:
+
+'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra
+reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan
+vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren,
+para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad
+natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non
+digo mas.'  Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can
+speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for
+you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand.  Then said the
+companion:
+
+'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige
+creatuure:  Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig
+huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke:  Huorfor
+forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand
+slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter:
+Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.'  I think really, said Eusthenes,
+that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all
+of us speak so with our tails.  Then again said Panurge:
+
+'Adon, scalom lecha:  im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li
+kikar lehem:  chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.'  To which answered
+Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it is the
+Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced.  Then again said the gallant:
+
+'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo
+analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de
+par emou ha ou chre.  Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te
+ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti.  Entha gar
+anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me
+prosphoros epiphenete.'  What?  Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is
+Greek, I have understood him.  And how? hast thou dwelt any while in
+Greece?  Then said the droll again:
+
+'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou:  nou den farou zamist vous
+mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust,
+daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou.  Agou paston tol
+nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou
+noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.'  (In this and the preceding
+speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed
+in correcting Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies.--M.)
+Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language
+of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it.  And, as he was about to
+have begun some purpose, the companion said:
+
+'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si
+quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio
+clamans et ejulans.  Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant
+abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores
+veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.'
+Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French?  That I can
+do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked.  It is my natural
+language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in
+the garden of France, to wit, Touraine.  Then, said Pantagruel, tell us
+what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have
+already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you,
+that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my
+company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as
+Aeneas and Achates were.  Sir, said the companion, my true and proper
+Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I
+was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a
+mischief.  And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are
+more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you
+to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting
+never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell.  We shall have
+therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to
+report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;
+my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce
+and burning, all is ready.  If you will but set me to work, it will be as
+good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it.  For God's
+sake, give order for it.  Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry
+him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate
+very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept
+until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one
+leap from the bed to the board.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.X.
+
+How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully
+obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was
+reputed to have a most admirable judgment.
+
+Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions,
+would one day make trial of his knowledge.  Thereupon, in all the
+carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners
+of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven
+hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the
+hardest doubts that are in any science.  And first of all, in the Fodder
+Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges,
+artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he
+overthrew them and set them all upon their tails.  He went afterwards to
+the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or
+divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until
+six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves
+and take their repast.  And at this were present the greatest part of the
+lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those
+of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs
+of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law.
+Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn
+jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them
+that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall,
+gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the
+world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled
+calves.  Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his
+so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even
+to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and
+others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in
+which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did,
+when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is
+the man.
+
+Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in
+court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech,
+plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the
+other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of
+parliament could make nothing of it.  And therefore, by the commandment of
+the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all
+the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the
+principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England
+also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and
+a rabble of other old Rabbinists.  Who being thus met together, after they
+had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that
+they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand
+the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or
+take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so
+grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for
+shame.  In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the
+learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst
+one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and
+philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my
+masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away
+both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom
+in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand
+therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to
+our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of
+it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing
+but dote in our consultations.
+
+See, therefore, what I have thought upon.  You have heard much talking of
+that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be
+learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in
+those great disputations which he held publicly against all men.  My
+opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business;
+for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it
+not.
+
+Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to
+that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be
+pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep
+search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith
+make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal
+knowledge.  To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein
+were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight
+were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But
+Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and
+process is yet living?  It was answered him, Yes.  To what a devil, then,
+said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which
+you give me?  Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own
+mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile
+fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages
+of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity?  For I am sure
+that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have
+by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,
+although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at
+first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous,
+sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius,
+Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin,
+Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the
+least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe
+calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the
+laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the
+Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian.  The laws,
+nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony
+of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by
+that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences.  And then we find
+that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that
+whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever
+wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius,
+nor Quintilian.  How then could these old dotards be able to understand
+aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good
+Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style,
+which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than
+for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?
+
+Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and
+natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have,
+by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule?  In respect of human
+learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden
+with those faculties as a toad is with feathers.  And yet of all this the
+laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend
+more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I
+am about to publish.  Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in
+this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the
+two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have
+heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or
+dissimulation whatsoever.
+
+Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all
+companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part
+always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the
+Carthaginians.  But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion,
+maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming
+that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions,
+depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but
+engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such
+suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry
+them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not
+in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and
+philosophical equity.  In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two
+gentlemen summoned and personally convented.  At whose appearance before
+the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great
+difference betwixt you?  Yes, my lord, said they.  Which of you, said
+Pantagruel, is the plaintiff?  It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech.  Go to,
+then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to
+point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I find you
+to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and
+take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in
+justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth.  Therefore
+take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case.
+Begin.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XI.
+
+How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel
+without an attorney.
+
+Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth.  My lord, it is true that a
+good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell.  Be covered,
+Kissbreech, said Pantagruel.  Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord
+Kissbreech; but to the purpose.  There passed betwixt the two tropics the
+sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the
+Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of
+counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling
+tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and
+Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had
+assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go
+a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when
+they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the
+country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs.  All the night long
+they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but
+despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to
+wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the
+tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a
+goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with
+child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the
+hay-bundle-makers.  But the physicians said that by the urine they
+could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat
+double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the
+court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox not to
+run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the
+jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the
+British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in
+the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.
+
+Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his
+pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip,
+which was all the wind-instrument he had.  This was done at his return from
+the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was
+licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness,
+according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi
+stumblaverunt.  But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of
+Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost;
+yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must
+think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above
+my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit
+thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they
+were wont in other things to do.  And we do manifestly see that everyone
+acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been
+charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an
+ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place
+in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which
+have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels
+and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite.
+Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the
+cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the
+memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing.  Well, God keep Theobald
+Mitain from all danger!  Then said Pantagruel, Hold there!  Ho, my friend,
+soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in
+choler.  I understand the case,--go on.  Now then, my lord, said
+Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could
+not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and
+passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a
+warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering
+them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst
+(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the
+painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on
+shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange
+to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing
+it is so good to hatch.
+
+Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat,
+whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's belly, doth it
+become thee to speak without command?  I sweat here with the extremity of
+labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your
+mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me.  Peace,
+in the devil's name, peace.  Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful
+when this man hath done, and no sooner.  Go on, said he to Kissbreech;
+speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.
+
+I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make
+no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart
+at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were
+to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly
+sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the
+good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a
+solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes,
+which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for
+understanding the syntax and construction of old boots.  Therefore John
+Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very
+seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in
+the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had
+kindled the paper.  This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her
+to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia
+cadit.  Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of
+accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst
+themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were
+framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at
+Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and
+that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis.  For
+that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed
+myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good
+venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked
+and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better,
+and play at in and in.  And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming
+from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster
+and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to
+the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders,
+which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the
+story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of
+a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic
+history.  And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout
+all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit
+of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without
+disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it
+again.  As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my
+neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it
+would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon.  And truly, my
+lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that
+those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of
+pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever
+at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by
+the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given
+thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the
+clerk's office of this house.
+
+And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship
+there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with
+costs, damages, and interests.  Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this
+all you have to say?  Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told
+all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as
+one single word.  You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what
+you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may
+serve to the purpose.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XII.
+
+How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.
+
+Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth.  My lord, and you my
+masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment
+as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so
+eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away
+so scurvily.  For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very
+soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the
+factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly
+cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot,
+the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.
+
+Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and
+that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely
+come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which
+saith,
+
+  Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,
+  When he is dead and buried, see one jot.
+
+And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle,
+when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the
+sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their
+heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little
+platform leaps in keeping level by the ground?  But now the world is
+unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester.  One flies out
+lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and
+that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it
+will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made,
+or it will make goblets.  If any poor creature go to the stoves to
+illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the
+sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the
+decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their
+rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that
+make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes?
+Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is
+wholly set all beasts are in the shade.  Let me never be believed again, if
+I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of
+the day.
+
+In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized
+horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the
+goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really
+that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my
+teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences
+were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that
+salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it
+were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he
+were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms,
+thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of
+a swaggering sauciness.  Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a
+proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one
+attains to the enjoyment of his love.  I had a consultation upon this point
+with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum
+that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away
+in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon
+the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for,
+incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go
+near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing
+else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles
+'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and
+this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said
+good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a
+sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the
+sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers'
+purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the
+cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips,
+and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have
+provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and
+burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the
+fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in
+some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon.  Now, if
+the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the
+chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame,
+settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there,
+there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of
+the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair
+coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or
+mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves
+at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the
+wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.
+
+Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof
+mention was made, were somewhat short in memory.  Nevertheless, to
+understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard
+of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their
+children some time should become very skilful in algorism.  Therefore is
+it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail
+to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof
+somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff.  But the great devil did envy it, and
+by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in
+swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink,
+trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch.
+For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this
+saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and
+were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did
+not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon
+them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me,
+so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it.  And put
+the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little
+puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an
+account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will
+necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court,
+that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three
+butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the
+funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for
+one and two, that is, deuce ace.  This I may affirm with a safe conscience,
+upon my oath of wool.
+
+And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the
+counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three
+times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing
+but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot,
+and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the
+sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him.  Such another sentence
+after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because
+of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court
+to have regard.  I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not
+but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well
+be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle,
+whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the
+terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another.  Tunc, my lords,
+quid juris pro minoribus?  For the common custom of the Salic law is such,
+that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and
+wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's
+stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his
+member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the
+mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that
+do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and
+that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with
+costs, damages, and interests.
+
+After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of
+Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said?
+No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and
+nothing but the truth.  Therefore, put an end for God's sake to our
+difference, for we are here at great charge.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIII.
+
+How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords.
+
+Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and
+doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have
+heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you
+think of it?  They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not
+understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore
+we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give
+sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied
+with it, and do ratify it with our full consents.  Well, my masters, said
+Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly
+find the case so difficult as you make it.  Your paragraph Caton, the law
+Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si
+Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law
+Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law
+Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion.
+After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding
+very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they
+girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was
+bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or
+accepting of persons.  Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce
+sentence as followeth.
+
+Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference
+between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them,
+that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the
+flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by
+private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little
+unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and
+vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an
+hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff
+truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the
+galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and
+the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his
+conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in
+eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that.  He
+is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies,
+into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could
+not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision
+of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the
+walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais.  Slacking,
+therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets,
+wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great
+store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made
+with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which
+his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or
+bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen
+by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter
+in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the
+vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.
+
+But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater,
+and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble
+was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed.
+
+The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of
+curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and
+codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said
+defendant about the middle of August in May.  But, on the other part, the
+defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping
+the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines
+garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.
+
+Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented
+with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible.  For it never came to
+pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees
+hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be
+equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence.  As for
+the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they
+were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of
+Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so
+accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits
+with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of
+actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden
+ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had
+been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of
+vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and
+understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere.  And so be it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIV.
+
+How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the
+Turks.
+
+The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made
+known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting
+upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the
+rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody
+began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any
+further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother,
+showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good
+Pantagruel hath done.  Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our
+country.  And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the
+requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously
+thanking them for their offer.  For, said he, there is too much slavery in
+these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them,
+considering the great corruption that is amongst men.  Which makes me
+believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of
+people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven
+thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be
+deceived in his conjecture.  Remember that I have told you of it, and given
+you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.
+
+But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a
+present of that.  Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the
+best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge
+bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a
+red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked
+gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs.  So that by someone being admonished,
+in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret
+with these words--Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad
+--I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little
+tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a
+spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be
+bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows.  O companion! if I
+could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above
+the sphere of the moon with Empedocles.  But I cannot tell what a devil
+this means.  This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink
+thereof the more I am athirst.  I believe that the shadow of my master
+Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the
+catarrhs and defluxions.  At which word the company began to laugh, which
+Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh
+so?  Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very
+unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there
+were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base point of
+abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself
+unto their law.  But now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of
+their hands. By G--, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word.
+
+The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit,
+for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made
+but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive.  As they
+were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having
+in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would
+deliver me out of this torment.  Which came to pass, and that very
+strangely.  For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying,
+Lord God, help me!  Lord God, save me!  Lord God, take me out of this pain
+and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my
+sincerity in the maintenance of thy law!  The roaster or turnspit fell
+asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who
+cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes.  When I saw
+that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived
+that he was fast asleep.  Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end
+where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another
+did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was placed near to
+the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit.  Presently
+the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from
+the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the
+fashion of the foot of a lamp.  But the best was, that the fire which I had
+cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was
+beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of
+the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than
+he could have seen daylight.  Then suddenly getting up, and in a great
+amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he
+could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as Fire,
+fire, fire.  Incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to
+throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes
+wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet,
+when the master of the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke
+from the very street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and
+Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to
+carry away his jewels.  Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve
+how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted and
+therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for
+want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little
+above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet
+of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm,
+through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the
+pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders,
+betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the
+left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade.
+
+True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I
+fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some
+hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices
+of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow.  My Bashaw then seeing
+the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his
+goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon
+some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis,
+nine several times.  Which when I saw, I had above sixpence' worth of fear,
+dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and,
+seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to.  I am already,
+thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief;
+for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority
+which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology
+of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros.  But for my better security
+I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none
+came.  At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in
+transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that
+purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it
+was not sharp enough.  Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work
+upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all
+the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master
+Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for
+thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest.  Well, thou mayst hurt or
+bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime
+most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be
+counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not
+so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others,
+who have found themselves very well after it.  Ha, my friend, said he, I
+prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my codpiece (budget);
+take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine
+diamonds and most excellent rubies.  And where are they? said Epistemon.
+By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep
+going.  But where is the last year's snow?  This was the greatest care that
+Villon the Parisian poet took.  Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may
+know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw.  By the faith of an honest man, said
+Panurge, I do not lie in one word.  I swaddled him in a scurvy
+swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied
+him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to
+wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon,
+fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they
+did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame
+you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney.  With this,
+taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I
+ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of
+mutton.
+
+When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out the
+fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally
+pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful
+refreshing of me, did me very much good.  Then did they present me with
+some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to
+drink but water after their fashion.  Other hurt they did me none, only one
+little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch
+away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap
+on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the
+second time.  Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young
+Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round Mirabolan
+plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great
+compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire
+from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than
+my knees.  But note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica,
+whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which
+my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt.
+
+Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask
+how?  For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them
+espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and
+we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief.
+Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards
+the gate.  When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, I
+turned me about as did Lot's wife, and, looking back, saw all the city
+burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit
+myself for joy.  But God punished me well for it.  How? said Pantagruel.
+Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire,
+jesting with myself, and saying--Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will
+have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your
+bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and
+eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from
+the fire.  At the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by
+the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me
+in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction
+of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache.  And wherefore, said
+Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth?  Wert
+thou not cured of thy rheums?  By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any
+greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs?  But on
+a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my lardons, and
+threw them into the midst of the field amongst them.  Then did the dogs
+run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the
+lardons.  By this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with
+and hairing one another.  Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy
+roastmeat and cookery.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XV.
+
+How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.
+
+Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards
+St. Marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and
+to taste of their spiced bread.  Panurge was with him, having always a
+flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without
+this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to
+preserve his body from harm.  Other sword carried he none; and, when
+Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for
+that it would but heat his milt.  Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst
+be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself?  With great buskinades or
+brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden.  At their
+return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision
+said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are!  O how strong they are,
+and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them!  By my
+beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow
+with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them.  O my
+friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was
+asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls?  Lo
+here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and
+citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military
+discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that
+towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the
+prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants.  So is this city so
+strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they
+care not for making any other walls.  Besides, whosoever would go about to
+wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost
+impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive.  Yea but, said
+Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are
+invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there?  As for the
+enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great
+work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be
+pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty,
+strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap.  How? said
+Pantagruel.  Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it
+you.  I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the
+women of this country are better cheap than stones.  Of them should the
+walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,
+and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards
+ridge-wise, like the back of an ass.  The middle-sized ones must be ranked
+next, and last of all the least and smallest.  This done, there must be a
+fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen
+in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos,
+nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral
+codpieces.  What devil were able to overthrow such walls?  There is no metal
+like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to
+graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed
+fruit of the great pox as small as rain.  Beware, in the name of the devils,
+and hold off.  Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it.
+For why?  They are all either blest or consecrated.  I see but one
+inconveniency in it.  Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that?
+It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder,
+and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and
+excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled.  But see how that might be
+remedied:  they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails,
+or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence.  And to this
+purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by
+Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.
+
+In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a
+poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little
+private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier
+gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him
+and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting,
+he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest
+to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked
+upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,
+telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do
+their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or
+millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb.  The lion, being thus
+healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and
+old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who,
+seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such
+sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above
+her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she
+had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you
+call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee?  Which words when
+he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,
+Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause!  When the fox was come,
+he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here
+between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of
+continuity.  See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the
+navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half.  This is the
+blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the
+flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both
+within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long.  Wipe, my friend,
+wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put
+into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another.  Wipe it hard,
+thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,
+otherwise the party cannot be at ease.  Go to, wipe well, my little gossip,
+wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a
+bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary.  A good wiper, who, in
+wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be
+wounded.  Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay
+long.  Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off,
+he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe,
+and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put
+thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and
+no more.  The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within
+and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk
+like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease,
+for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury
+perfume of this old woman's postern blasts.  And whilst to that effect he
+was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance
+of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole,
+not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and
+infectious air.  The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more
+than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a
+staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full
+sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed.  What a devil! said he,
+this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss.  The
+fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray
+thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here
+another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost
+choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning.
+
+Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for
+wiping of them.  Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy
+parts of women are at such a cheap rate?  For in this city there are many
+virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids.  Et ubi prenus? said
+Panurge.  I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and
+assured knowledge.  I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and
+seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but
+this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as
+Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the
+most, one before and the other behind.  He demanded alms of me, but I made
+him answer that I had more cods than pence.  Afterwards I asked him, Good
+man, these two girls, are they maids?  Brother, said he, I have carried
+them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see
+continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my
+finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say
+nothing.
+
+Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to
+be apparelled in my livery.  And therefore caused him to be clothed most
+gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would
+have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not
+round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing.  Oftentimes was he
+wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility
+that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them,
+as all things have been invented in time.  God keep from hurt, said he, the
+good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life!  God keep
+from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one
+hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns!  God keep from hurt him who by
+his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine!  And, by G-,
+I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more
+leisure.  And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is
+not printed as yet that I know of.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVI.
+
+Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.
+
+Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat
+an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor.  He was at that time
+five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden
+dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very
+gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous,
+and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called
+lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had
+three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most
+honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining
+and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister,
+rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in
+Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man
+in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief
+against the sergeants and the watch.
+
+At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring
+boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them
+till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and,
+at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting
+his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his
+sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that
+instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave
+it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so
+overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other
+side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and
+turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.
+
+At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to
+pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along,
+set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had
+in running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire had caught them by the
+legs.  As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all
+others.  When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not
+never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit
+of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little
+foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank.  One
+day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne),
+he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of
+garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he
+steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and
+pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all
+the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which
+made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was
+upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;
+and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers,
+eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not
+care a button for it.  He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith
+he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their
+masters, to make them mend their pace.  In his coat he had above six and
+twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a
+little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut
+purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the
+eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or
+capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,
+and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city,
+sometimes all their life.  Very often, also, upon the women's French hoods
+would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's
+member.  In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and
+lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them
+with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest
+gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never
+seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church
+amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon.  In another, he
+used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men
+and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially
+those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to
+go away, they might rend all their gowns.  In another, he had a squib
+furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other
+tackling necessary for it.  In another, two or three burning glasses,
+wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put
+them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an
+antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between
+a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass
+and of a pliant buttock.
+
+In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a
+thousand little devilish pranks.  One time, at the entry of the palace unto
+the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to
+the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but
+in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his
+gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court
+or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite,
+missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice,
+as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt,
+which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the
+very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his
+Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine.  And the friar
+still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay
+open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now!
+what's the matter?  Will this fair father make us here an offering of his
+tail to kiss it?  Nay, St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us!  From thenceforth
+it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any
+more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call
+it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the
+sin of longing and disordinate desire.  The people then asked why it was
+the friars had so long and large genitories?  The said Panurge resolved the
+problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears
+is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth
+in his Suppositions.  By the like reason, that which makes the genitories
+or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear
+no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no
+impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a
+wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads.
+and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in
+this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said
+member.  For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is
+cause of attraction.
+
+Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum,
+whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to
+be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some
+would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like
+a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor.  Others, again, ran
+about the streets, and he would run after them.  To such as were in the
+stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and
+cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.
+
+Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith,
+when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease,
+smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of
+touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good
+taffeties!  Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth!  You
+have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give
+you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity!  And with this would lay
+his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was
+left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body,
+and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.
+Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall,
+for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your
+foot, you will quite spoil yourself.
+
+Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized.  In that
+powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had
+stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from
+off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the
+company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some
+fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their
+bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and
+then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here
+is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose,
+made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing.  In the meanwhile he would
+fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart,
+Panurge?  No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song
+of the music which you make with your nose.  In another he had a picklock,
+a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there
+was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open.  He had another full
+of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his
+fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had
+heretofore cried treacle.  And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any
+other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if
+Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or
+seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making
+any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the
+wind.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVII.
+
+How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit
+in law which he had at Paris.
+
+One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and
+silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto
+him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,
+and I know the disease.  You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.
+I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which
+shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity.  Whereunto
+he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,
+for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses
+as the adamant doth iron.  But will you go with me to gain the pardons?
+said he.  By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if
+I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's
+name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a
+farthing upon interest.  No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and
+from my heart.  Grates vobis dominos, said he.
+
+So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the
+first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me.  Then did I
+say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them
+all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners.  From
+thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and
+so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons.  For
+my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the
+relics, and gave at everyone.  To be brief, when we were returned, he
+brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve
+of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
+sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so
+little time?  Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the
+basins of the pardons.  For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I
+put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to
+be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or
+sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the
+churches where we have been.  Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a
+snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person.  True, said he, in
+your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,
+when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,
+that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken
+according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of
+the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.
+Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning
+is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound
+it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus.  Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me
+fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
+hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,
+for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he
+thought to have been a cripple by it all his life.  Thus I do pay myself at
+my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical
+treasure.  Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I
+made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade,
+thou wouldst wonder exceedingly.  It was worth to me above six thousand
+florins, in English coin six hundred pounds.  And what a devil is become of
+them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny.  They returned
+from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.
+
+But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred
+pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many
+husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one
+tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these
+good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at
+the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no
+man would have any more dealing with them.  And, by G--, I will have their
+skin-coat shaken once yet before they die.  By this means, to one I gave a
+hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according
+to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable.  For, by how much
+the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs
+have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them.  Presently
+I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make
+the match.  But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster
+to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if
+thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good
+time.  Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to
+be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of
+spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust.  To be short, they
+occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and
+ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their
+face.
+
+Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law.  And what
+lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands.  My
+friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the
+instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and
+neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men
+could no more put their hands under.  For they had put the slit behind, and
+those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad
+contemplative lovers were much discontented.  Upon a fair Tuesday I
+presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said
+gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein,
+protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my
+breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it.  In
+sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went
+upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause.  But
+I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was
+decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a
+little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money.  I had
+another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called
+Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the
+pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in
+the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I
+was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the
+relation of the sergeant.  Another time I framed a complaint to the court
+against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to
+this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to
+champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors'
+wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to
+the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or
+at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches
+at the knees.  And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear.  Now
+reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I
+made to the pages of the palace.  And to what end? said I.  My friend, said
+he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world.  I have more than the king,
+and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together.  No,
+no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one
+time or another.  And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other.
+Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth?  Ho, grosse pecore!
+
+Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to
+someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by
+a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or
+some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side
+like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs'
+worth of laughter.  But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming
+the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to
+repent what I have bestowed in feasting them.  In brief, he had, as I said
+before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred
+and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVIII.
+
+How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and
+was overcome by Panurge.
+
+In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame
+and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own
+country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove
+whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be.  In
+this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of
+the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was
+then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the
+fashion of the Peripatetics.  At his first entrance he startled, and was
+almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall.  Then did
+he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it
+is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge
+of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir
+up all the world to admire her.  Which we may the rather believe that the
+very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received
+into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things
+are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet,
+but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where
+the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple
+and uttered her oracles.  As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen
+of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to
+see the order of Solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who
+came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who
+travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a
+great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in
+Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along
+the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river
+Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon,
+Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and
+Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists.  The like
+example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious
+persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain.  I dare not
+reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would
+be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men
+also.  And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable
+knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house,
+and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the
+tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see
+you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy,
+and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my
+mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave
+henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none
+that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour.  I will
+reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men
+in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them.
+
+But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute.  I will not argue pro
+et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places.
+Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by
+declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus
+de la Mirandula did of late at Rome.  But I will dispute by signs only
+without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that
+words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for
+unfolding of them to my liking.  May it, therefore, please your
+magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven
+o'clock in the morning.  When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very
+honourably said unto him:  Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon
+me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power.  For whatever
+comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased
+when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of
+honest literature.  In which number, because that in this time, as I do
+already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee
+notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every
+one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather
+to learn of thee than thou of me.  But, as thou hast protested, we will
+confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even
+unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth
+lies hidden.  And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast
+proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I
+shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this
+clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the
+arguers hath gotten the better of the argument.  Now to-morrow I will not
+fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let
+me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that
+we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only.  To which
+Thaumast answered:  The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and,
+instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for
+that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend
+to the grant of the request of my poor baseness.  So farewell till
+to-morrow!  Farewell, said Pantagruel.
+
+Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men
+were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night
+were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper
+of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had
+never known himself so dry as he was that night.  I think, said he, that
+Pantagruel held me by the throat.  Give order, I pray you, that we may have
+some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my
+palate.  On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he
+could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all
+that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et
+signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia;
+the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion;
+Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri
+Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him:
+
+My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your
+spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may
+easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and
+plodding.  But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts,
+retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue
+against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad
+metam non loqui, then call me knave.  Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge,
+he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him?  Very
+well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone.
+Is any man so learned as the devils are?  No, indeed, said Pantagruel,
+without God's especial grace.  Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have
+argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid
+them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys.
+Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious
+Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world.  So Panurge spent the
+night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of
+his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La
+Vergette.  Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to
+conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe
+me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with
+themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished
+in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full
+payment and be tickled to some purpose.  For this Englishman is a terrible
+bustler and horrible coil-keeper.  We will see who will be conqueror, for
+he never met with his match before.
+
+Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when
+Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors
+of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as
+their scurvy custom is.  But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if
+it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to
+you, peace!  By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the
+heads of everyone of you.  At which words they remained all daunted and
+astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although
+they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers.  Withal they grew so dry
+with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot
+beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats.  Then
+began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither
+to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or,
+otherwise, but to learn and know the truth?  To which answered Thaumast,
+Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn
+and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither
+found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts
+which I have proposed.  And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do
+it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish
+sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for
+contradiction only and debate.  Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean
+and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and
+satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master
+wherewith to trouble him.  Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and
+sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you
+satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your
+expectation.  Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then.  Now
+you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty
+tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put
+a fair orange.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIX.
+
+How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs.
+
+Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the
+Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching
+in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la
+Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other
+by the nails four several times.  Then he, opening them, struck the one
+with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only
+once.  Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards
+four times in opening them.  Then did he lay them joined, and extended the
+one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers
+unto God.  Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put
+the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four
+fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
+his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a
+profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids.  Then lifted he up his
+left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and
+elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the
+situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half
+between them.  This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground
+about the one and the other hand.  Lastly, he held them in the midst, as
+aiming right at the Englishman's nose.  And if Mercury,--said the
+Englishman.  There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,
+Mask.
+
+Then made the Englishman this sign.  His left hand all open he lifted up
+into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,
+and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.
+Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased
+and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where
+the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four
+right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air.  Then contrarily he did with
+the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he
+had done with the right.
+
+Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his
+trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a
+truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of
+black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the
+fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made
+such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering
+clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his
+tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking
+fixedly upon the Englishman.  The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that
+were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
+Englishman was a leper.  The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
+conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal
+felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.
+
+The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two
+hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three
+master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or
+foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained
+extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge.  Then
+joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little
+finger touched the right.  Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift
+up his hands and made this sign.
+
+He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb
+of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and
+of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the
+forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of
+the left hand.  Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or
+medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and
+thrusting them towards Thaumast.  Then did he put the thumb of his left
+hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the
+wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way
+and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his
+right eye.  Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
+made him this sign.
+
+With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of
+the palm or pulp which is under the thumb.  Then put he the forefinger of
+the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not
+over, as Panurge did.  Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and
+blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the
+overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out.  Then held he
+out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast.  The people there,
+which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he
+demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?
+In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the
+spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation.  Then he
+bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of
+his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with
+this sign lift up his hands as high as he could.  Whereupon Panurge
+presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little
+finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his
+teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower.  With this
+Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising
+let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
+strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell.  The company began to
+stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and
+perplexity.  Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort
+that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left
+hand he laid flat upon his breast.  Whereat Panurge drew out his long
+codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding
+it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,
+and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the
+fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to
+shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.
+
+After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a
+bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder.  Whereupon
+Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called
+St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner
+as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth.  This
+done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,
+making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the
+superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,
+and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing
+like a goose.  Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
+mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,
+and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the
+pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and
+he did it nine times.
+
+Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret!  With this he put
+in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it
+by the point downwards.  Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook
+it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined
+in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was
+able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.
+Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put
+the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the
+flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers.  Whereat
+Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into
+his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright.  Then he crossed his two
+arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he
+struck his right foot against the ground.  Then he lift up his left arm,
+and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his
+forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast.  But
+Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the
+top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set
+his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as
+he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his
+two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very
+ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XX.
+
+How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.
+
+Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the
+said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were
+there:  My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good
+purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic!  You
+have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord
+Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very
+heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in
+magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
+in my mind.  But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think
+was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the
+worth that indeed is in him.  You have seen how his disciple only hath
+satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him.  Besides, he hath
+opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure
+you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
+encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I
+should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so
+much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,
+without speaking either word or half word.  But, in fine, I will reduce
+into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not
+take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,
+that everyone may learn as I have done.  Judge, then, what the master had
+been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est
+discipulus super magistrum.  Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very
+humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act.  God
+reward you for it eternally!  The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the
+company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,
+and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the
+phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their
+bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),
+even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came.  Blessed
+Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather!
+And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;
+reach hither; fill with a devil, so!  There was not one but did drink five
+and twenty or thirty pipes.  Can you tell how?  Even sicut terra sine aqua;
+for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry.  In matter
+of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
+signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would
+have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been
+told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he
+hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I
+do pass by it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXI.
+
+How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.
+
+Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of
+this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from
+thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him.  To which effect he
+had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.
+And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made
+of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch
+mustard.  He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and
+gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to
+bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city.  And, indeed,
+leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily
+these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the
+flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to
+the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and
+necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and
+believe it, for experience will teach it you.  The lady at this word thrust
+him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for
+you to talk thus unto me?  Whom do you think you have in hand?  Begone,
+never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have
+your legs and arms cut off.  Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
+want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together
+at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long
+codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you
+shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones.  He
+is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,
+creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there
+needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his
+followers to work upon.  Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go.  If
+you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be
+knocked down with blows.  Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,
+or else I am deceived in your physiognomy.  For sooner shall the earth
+mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
+and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great
+beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or
+malice.  They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman
+that is not also stubborn.  Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar
+beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I
+believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,
+to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all
+her power.  There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and
+celestial manna.  To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the
+golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was
+there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
+comeliness in Venus as there is in you.  O heavenly gods and goddesses!
+How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace
+her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers!  By G--, that shall be I,
+I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and
+so was I predestinated to it by the fairies.  And therefore, that we lose
+no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but
+she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her
+neighbours for help.  Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running
+away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;
+do not you take so much pains.  Thus went he away, not much caring for the
+repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it.  The next
+day he came to the church at the time she went to mass.  At the door he
+gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.
+Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,
+know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
+I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,
+how much you would be to blame!  Go, said she, go!  I do not care; let me
+alone to say my prayers.  Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this:  a beau
+mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts.  I cannot, said she.
+It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. .
+.mounts.  And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble
+heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters.  Take them, said
+she, and trouble me no longer.  This done, she would have taken off her
+paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and
+adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his
+knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going
+away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?
+No, no, said she.  But, said he, to the purpose.  I am at your commandment,
+body and goods, tripes and bowels.
+
+In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her
+paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance
+by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is
+some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country.  I shall
+never recover my paternosters again.  What will my husband say?  He will no
+doubt be angry with me.  But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off
+from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end
+of the ribbon left at my girdle.  After dinner Panurge went to see her,
+carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called
+counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you
+me, or I you?  Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,
+as God commands, I love all the world.  But to the purpose, said he; are
+not you in love with me?  I have, said she, told you so many times already
+that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will
+teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly.  Get you hence
+packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for
+them.
+
+How now, madam, said he, your paternosters?  Nay, by mine oath, I will not
+do so, but I will give you others.  Had you rather have them of gold well
+enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,
+otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them
+of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine
+turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu
+rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares?  No, no,
+all this is too little.  I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked
+with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an
+orange.  It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats.  I will
+make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
+a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.
+
+Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
+dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin?  Will you have
+chains, gold, tablets, rings?  You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
+fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me.  By the virtue
+of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
+No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you.  By G--, said he, but I will
+have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
+neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it.  Hold!
+--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
+lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
+yet not very loud.  Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
+false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
+little?  A turd for you!  You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
+honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
+away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
+fearful.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXII.
+
+How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.
+
+Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
+Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
+on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
+under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.
+
+The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
+and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
+with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
+and night.  In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
+her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
+as small as he could.  Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
+to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
+the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
+sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously.  Then, a
+little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
+her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
+as followeth.
+
+  A Roundelay.
+
+  For this one time, that I to you my love
+  Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
+  To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
+  Who never any wrong to you had done,
+  In any kind of action, word, or thought:
+  So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
+  T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
+  My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
+    For this one time.
+
+  What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
+  With favour and compassion, how a spark
+  Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
+  With deep affection, and that, for my part,
+  I only ask that you with me would dance
+  The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
+    For this one time?
+
+And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
+promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
+places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown.  Then
+said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease.  As for
+me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
+suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
+purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
+Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
+came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
+upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
+member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
+greatest villainy in the world.  Panurge made the fashion of driving them
+away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
+oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
+compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
+their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
+in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
+upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
+ado to save her.  Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
+the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
+greyhound hath covered her lately.  And when he saw that all the dogs were
+flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
+every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
+or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
+Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
+went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
+Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding?  Away, hence, avant,
+avant, with a devil avant!  And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
+Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
+assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
+her.  Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
+which he found very pretty and strange.  But the best was at the
+procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
+about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
+she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
+her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched.  All
+the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
+those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
+gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
+retire unto her house, which was a palace.  Thither she went, and the dogs
+after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
+from laughing.  When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
+upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
+well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
+urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
+current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
+the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
+heretofore preach publicly.  So may God help you, a mill would have ground
+corn with it.  Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had
+invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are
+so short in France.
+
+A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had
+been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were
+Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands 'together,
+and that.'--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the
+Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a
+great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of
+the Amaurots.  Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
+farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.
+
+Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little
+territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of
+other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told
+him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the
+Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished
+into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond
+divided them, which was done in manner as followeth.  The said king chose
+at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
+bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,
+handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he
+caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.
+Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his
+wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction
+besides, to go unto divers places here and there.  And wheresoever they
+should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it
+should be accounted for a league.  Thus went away those brave fellows and
+sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
+rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end,
+and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short.  But when
+they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the
+oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so
+often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men's part) with one scurvy
+paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,
+Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long.  Other men give
+other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best.  To which
+Pantagruel willingly adhered.  Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
+Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
+Eusthenes, and Carpalin.
+
+In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,
+he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and
+entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,
+--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men
+--P.N.T.G.R.L.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIV.
+
+A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,
+together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.
+
+When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and
+therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.
+Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise
+enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond.  Wondering at
+this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case.  Whereupon Panurge
+told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and
+artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,
+to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal
+ammoniac soaked in water.  Then put he it into the water, to see if the
+letter was written with the juice of tithymalle.  After that he held it up
+against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
+onions.
+
+Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not
+written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of
+a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with
+the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs.  Afterwards he rubbed one
+corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written
+with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the
+winter-cherry.  He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it
+were not written with the gall of a raven.  Then did he dip it into vinegar,
+to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge.  After
+that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was
+not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris.  Then put
+it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
+see whether it were written with stone-alum.  But after all experiments,
+when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger
+and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give
+thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the
+conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention.  And the messenger answered
+him, No, sir.  Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see
+whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof
+soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very
+long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a
+length in so short a time.
+
+Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell
+what to do nor say in it.  For, to know whether there be anything written
+upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master
+Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of
+reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri
+grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus.  But I
+can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than
+the ring.  Let us, therefore, look upon it.  Which when they had done, they
+found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they
+called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant.  To which he answered that
+they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?  Upon
+that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery.  Do you see this
+diamond?  It is a false one.  This, then, is the exposition of that which
+the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken
+me?  Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal
+remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was
+very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with
+her.  But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and
+the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when
+need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of
+it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of
+his nativity, which was then in danger.  And, indeed, within an hour after
+that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and
+put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto
+Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands.
+Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by
+Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore
+again in the kingdom of Melinda.  Parting from thence, they sailed away
+with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by
+Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie,
+till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of
+the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.
+
+When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said,
+Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss,
+before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not
+like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact?  Are you
+resolved to live and die with me?  Yes, sir, said they all, and be as
+confident of us as of your own fingers.  Well, said he, there is but one
+thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I
+know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to
+the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on
+with the better assurance.  Let us therefore consult together, and bethink
+ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence.  Whereunto they
+all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this
+very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a
+certain report thereof.
+
+Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the
+very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and
+lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery
+and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and
+magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being
+discovered.  The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his
+circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus.
+
+And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant
+captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks
+and subtleties of the art of war.  I will go, and, though I be detected and
+revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please,
+for I am of the race of Sinon.
+
+I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite
+of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies
+and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong
+as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules.
+
+And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so
+nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their
+trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive
+me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he
+the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to
+make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt.  I will
+undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without
+making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of
+Camilla the Amazon.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXV.
+
+How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants
+of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore
+horsemen very cunningly.
+
+As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light
+horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship
+it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to
+take them if they had been able.  Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire
+yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I
+will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so
+many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it.
+Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so,
+but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for
+I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set
+forward.  Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw
+yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able
+to do.  Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too
+weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance.  With this Panurge took
+two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which
+was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground,
+making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that.  Then
+said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn
+about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two
+cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you
+here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies.  Do as they bid you, and
+make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the
+compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them.  And
+presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel
+of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by
+with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand.  Presently came the
+horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship,
+and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their
+horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,
+thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival.  But Panurge
+said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray
+you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the
+sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure.
+So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the
+deck.  In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were
+all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were
+retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging
+upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried
+out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw!  Then began Epistemon to wind
+about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and
+empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down
+to the ground easily, together with their riders.  But they, seeing that,
+drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to
+the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and
+horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet
+Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of
+the ropes.  But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such
+nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces;
+then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him
+in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.
+
+This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously
+commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his
+fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily
+upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground,
+and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only
+that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him
+up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his
+throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it
+as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat
+than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVI.
+
+How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and
+how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.
+
+Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly
+of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison?  This salt meat makes me
+horribly dry.  I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which
+we have burnt; it is well roasted already.  As he was rising up to go about
+it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was
+come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire.  Him
+did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had
+been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he
+was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,
+seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged
+ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty
+cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and
+rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in
+a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and
+three great foxes.  So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the
+head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up
+his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be
+heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar!  Then the
+good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him
+some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,
+and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back
+a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares.  Then immediately
+did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden
+spits.  Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier
+saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their
+prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein
+the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of
+vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a
+triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.
+Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little
+anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the
+great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what
+a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps.  But, said Panurge,
+it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we
+might get the upper hand of our enemies.  That is well remembered, said
+Pantagruel.  Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us
+here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed
+alive, for it is I that eat the little children.  Relate unto us at full
+the order, the number, and the strength of the army.  To which the prisoner
+answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred
+giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great.  Nevertheless,
+not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,
+who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils.  Furthermore, one
+hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of
+hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred
+men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
+arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one
+hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,
+said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others
+Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High
+Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.
+
+Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there?  Yes, sir, said the prisoner;
+he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,
+which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more
+thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.
+It is enough, said Pantagruel.  Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go
+with me?  To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you!  I
+have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so
+the devil one leg of them shall escape.  But I am somewhat troubled about
+one thing.  And what is that? said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, how I
+shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the
+whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
+unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and
+women in the Venetian conflict.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.
+
+And Carpalin said:  The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not
+bumbaste some one of them.  Then said Eusthenes:  What! shall not I have
+any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as
+that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that I have
+it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils?  Truly, said Panurge,
+thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the
+best case.
+
+How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass?  The
+devil take him that will do so.  We will make use of the right of war, Qui
+potest capere, capiat.  No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,
+and ride as the world doth.  And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,
+and said unto them, You reckon without your host.  I am much afraid that,
+before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no
+great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of
+pike and lance.  Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that!  I will not fail to
+bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste.  They
+are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty
+hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus
+Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all.  For
+God's sake, take you no care for that.  Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;
+my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.
+Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their
+backs.  Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVII.
+
+How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge
+another in remembrance of the hares.  How Pantagruel likewise with his
+farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge
+broke a great staff over two glasses.
+
+Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that
+you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy.  Then
+every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set
+up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the
+fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,
+stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with
+steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a
+gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,
+and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
+triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy.  And then Pantagruel, for an eternal
+memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--
+
+  Here was the prowess made apparent of
+  Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
+  Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
+  Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
+  Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
+  Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.
+  By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
+  That sleight is much more prevalent than might.
+
+    For victory,
+    As all men see,
+    Hangs on the ditty
+    Of that committee
+    Where the great God
+    Hath his abode.
+
+  Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
+  But to his elect, as we must believe;
+  Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
+  Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.
+
+Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and
+fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and
+the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a
+coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four
+queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put
+salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a
+dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of
+Beauvais.  Then, in imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that
+which followeth:--
+
+  Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
+  To a profound carousing, and to crown
+  Their banquet with those wines which please best great
+  Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
+  Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
+  With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
+  Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
+  They all fell on like hungry scorpions.
+
+    For th' Inventories
+    Of Defensories
+    Say that in heat
+    We must drink neat
+    All out, and of
+    The choicest stuff.
+
+  But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,
+  Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
+  Receive this tenet, then, without control,
+  That vinegar of that meat is the soul.
+
+Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too
+long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest
+eaters do the most martial exploits.  There is no shadow like that of
+flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of
+armour.  At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow
+like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering
+like that of goblets.  Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
+that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering
+like that of ballocks.  Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,
+and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
+When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart
+that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the
+corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,
+ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little
+women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow
+but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round.  How
+now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful?  By G--, here be
+brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will
+beget fine hornets and dorflies.  So did Pantagruel, and called them
+pigmies.  Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time
+they are increased mightily.  But the cranes make war with them
+continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for
+these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call
+whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and
+choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their
+spleen.
+
+At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both
+of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of
+them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot
+from one another.  Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and
+a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the
+staff did come just to the brims of the glasses.  This done, he took a
+great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My
+masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for
+just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
+breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop
+of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our
+Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or
+goods.  But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!
+said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this
+log.  Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop
+of the water fell out of the glasses.  Then said he, I know a great many
+such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the
+Giants.
+
+After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,
+saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what
+thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,
+as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I
+will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven
+thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly
+and against reason thus to invade my country.  Wherein Pantagruel feigned
+that he had an army at sea.  But the prisoner answered that he would yield
+himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
+people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's
+sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do.  Whereunto
+Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence
+speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a
+boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon
+thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet
+sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that
+if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he
+might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of
+danger.
+
+The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the
+battle he would have compassion upon him.  Whereat Pantagruel said unto
+him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole
+confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my
+part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in
+arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but
+all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that
+in him do put their trust and confidence.  This done, the prisoner
+requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his
+ransom.  To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor
+ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty.  Go thy
+way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
+company, lest some mischief befall thee.  The prisoner being gone,
+Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe
+that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till
+to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of
+our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,
+but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour
+of the first sleep.
+
+Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus
+and his army.  When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told
+him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown
+and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty
+horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news.  Besides that, he was
+charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he
+must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set
+upon him.  Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.
+But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken
+with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of
+the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,
+for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking
+only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his
+head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still
+pour in wine into his throat with a funnel.  Which when his captains,
+bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to
+try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no.  But it so
+befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well
+that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
+that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his
+captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,
+and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could.  Every
+man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle
+it as fast as they could.  In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that
+they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.
+
+Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself
+in this business.  Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the
+mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the
+top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of
+Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full
+of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so
+set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers.  When he was come near to
+the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
+down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,
+that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.
+
+Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that
+there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and
+thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which
+Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some
+scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.
+After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave
+Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is
+a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,
+the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,
+which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds
+of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.  This done, Pantagruel said to
+Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you
+can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge
+their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking
+a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and
+pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great
+voice, and then come away from thence.  Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
+good to cloy all their ordnance?  No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all
+their powder.  Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was
+appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the
+city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so
+lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and
+sleep, that they never perceived him.  He came to the place where their
+artillery was, and set their munition on fire.  But here was the danger.
+The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt.  And had
+it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting
+pig.  But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a
+crossbow could not have had a swifter motion.  When he was clear of their
+trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such
+amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been
+let loose.  At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how?  Even
+no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to
+matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.
+
+In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,
+and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their
+throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like
+foxes.  Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that
+is in us!  Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs
+which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so
+copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten
+leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if
+his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would
+undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for
+she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
+the Danube.  Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They
+are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along.  But they were
+deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their
+enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the
+pavilions and some small light of the moon.
+
+The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in
+the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not
+tell what to say nor what to think.  Some said that it was the end of the
+world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire.  Others again
+thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,
+did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and
+salt.
+
+O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself
+against the three hundred giants!  O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,
+inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the
+logical bridge of asses!  Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to
+have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought.  Ah,
+would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank
+who shall read this so veridical history!
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone,
+and Loupgarou their captain.
+
+The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus
+upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to
+his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy.  When
+Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants
+coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old
+fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an
+honest.  And for our part we will not fail you.  I myself will kill to you
+a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and
+then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not
+spare himself.  Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst
+them with point and edge, and by all manner of means.  Well, said
+Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be
+wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two.  That is well cacked,
+well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules?  You
+have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than
+ever Hercules had in all his body and soul.  So much is a man worth as he
+esteems himself.  Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come
+with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried
+away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good
+man.  Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the
+low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men
+here, I will put you cruelly to death.  It is my will that you let me fight
+single.  In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us.
+
+Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the
+flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited
+those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his
+fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od,
+fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at
+all.  Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against
+one another.  To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and
+accordingly made them to banquet with them.  In the meantime Panurge told
+them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a
+tub.  Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of
+steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred
+quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed
+diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady's
+Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at
+most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call
+cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no
+matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but,
+contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately.  Thus, then, as he
+approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up
+his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making
+such a vow as followeth.
+
+O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou
+seest the distress wherein I am at this time.  Nothing brings me hither but
+a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend
+themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own
+proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a
+business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and
+service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence.  For
+thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business
+is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive,
+thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of
+angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about
+the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly
+appeared in the army of Sennacherib.  If it may please thee, therefore, at
+this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone,
+I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any
+power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause
+thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the
+abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human
+constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall
+be quite exterminated from about me.
+
+This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven
+saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt
+overcome.  Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open
+was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as
+he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry
+to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians.
+Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his
+girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both
+his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes.  At this Loupgarou was so highly
+incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a
+blow of his mace to have beat out his brains.  But Pantagruel was very
+nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his
+left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow,
+falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces,
+and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground.  Pantagruel, seeing
+that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to
+the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a
+little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side,
+with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders.  After that,
+advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the
+upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top
+thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein.
+
+Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the
+wine that came forth had been his urine.  Pantagruel, being not content
+with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting
+up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would
+have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so
+sprightfully carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good
+Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of
+his milt.  But the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness
+of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and
+thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater
+than nine thousand and six tons.  Pantagruel, seeing him busy about
+plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran
+upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast
+had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou's mace, which was
+enchanted, as we have said before.  By this means his mast broke off about
+three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder,
+and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou?  Panurge, seeing that, said to
+the king and the giants, By G--, they will hurt one another if they be not
+parted.  But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding.
+Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of
+the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir
+hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a
+suppository, which cannot choose but do me good.  For in my belly I am very
+costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many
+filthy faces.  Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end
+of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no
+more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith's anvil.  In the
+(mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having
+already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who,
+being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the
+defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did
+threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to
+chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever
+making any more poor men athirst!  For then, without any more ado,
+Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he
+made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus
+along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot.  Then Loupgarou cried out,
+bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the
+giants arose to succour him.  But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not
+go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and
+alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief.  But the giants
+made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff.
+
+And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took
+Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air,
+wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst
+those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason
+doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before
+him whom he threw not flat to the ground.  And by the breaking of this
+stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the
+fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourges when it melted before
+the sun.  Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time
+the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped
+not one.  Pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his
+scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants;
+but with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his head, which
+happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille, or
+Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip
+whereof splintering abroad cut off Epistemon's neck clean and fair.  For
+otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy
+brittle stone, and the rest with slates.  At last, when he saw that they
+were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against
+the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza
+thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a
+farting duck, and a bridled goose.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXX.
+
+How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and
+of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in
+hell.
+
+This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place
+of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe
+and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little
+in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon,
+who appeared not at all.  Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would
+have killed himself.  But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while,
+and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all.
+Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his
+head between his arms all bloody.  Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah, cruel
+death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men?  At which words
+Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and
+said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the
+javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful.  But Panurge answered, My
+dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will
+make him as sound as ever he was.  In saying this, he took the head and
+held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into
+it.  Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had
+banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that
+Pantagruel might see it.
+
+Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal
+him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's wager.  Leave
+off, therefore, crying, and help me.  Then cleansed he his neck very well
+with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised
+some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his
+bags.  Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it
+on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against
+spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally
+hated.  This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches
+with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and
+everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.
+
+Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed,
+and afterwards let a great household fart.  Whereupon Panurge said, Now,
+certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full
+glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast.  In this fashion was
+Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three
+weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the
+force of continual drinking.  And now he began to speak, and said that he
+had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very
+merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before
+them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows.  But, in
+respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon
+called him back into this world again; for, said he, I took wonderful
+delight to see them.  How so? said Pantagruel.  Because they do not use
+them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do.  Their estate
+and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner;
+for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon
+old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.
+
+Xerxes was a crier of mustard.
+Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens.
+Numa, a nailsmith.
+Tarquin, a porter.
+Piso, a clownish swain.
+Sylla, a ferryman.
+Cyrus, a cowherd.
+Themistocles, a glass-maker.
+Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.
+Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land.
+Demosthenes, a vine-dresser.
+Cicero, a fire-kindler.
+Fabius, a threader of beads.
+Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.
+Aeneas, a miller.
+Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles.
+Agamemnon, a lick-box.
+Ulysses, a hay-mower.
+Nestor, a door-keeper or forester.
+Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer.
+Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.
+Camillus, a foot-post.
+Marcellus, a sheller of beans.
+Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.
+Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper.
+Asdrubal, a lantern-maker.
+Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells.
+Priamus, a seller of old clouts.
+Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.
+
+All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row
+over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my
+lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in
+the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice,
+and oars at London.  But with this difference, that these poor knights have
+only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel
+of coarse mouldy bread.
+
+Trajan was a fisher of frogs.
+Antoninus, a lackey.
+Commodus, a jet-maker.
+Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.
+Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells.
+Justinian, a pedlar.
+Hector, a snap-sauce scullion.
+Paris was a poor beggar.
+Cambyses, a mule-driver.
+
+Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a
+windbroach.  Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand
+mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of
+the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best.
+
+Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.
+
+Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers
+in hot houses.
+
+Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.
+
+Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.
+
+Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker.
+Jason was a bracelet-maker.
+Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences.
+Morgan, a beer-brewer.
+Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels.
+Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion.
+Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper.
+Octavian, a scraper of parchment.
+Nerva, a mariner.
+
+Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his
+great buggerly beard.
+
+John of Paris was a greaser of boots.
+Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.
+Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots.
+Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots.
+Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper.
+Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher.
+Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox.
+
+What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too?  Surely, said
+Epistemon, I never saw so many:  there are there, I think, above a hundred
+millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world
+must have it in the other.
+
+Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole
+of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of
+the ripest.
+
+Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour.
+The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.
+Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.
+The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers.
+Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non.
+Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.
+Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.
+Matabrune, a laundress.
+Cleopatra, a crier of onions.
+Helen, a broker for chambermaids.
+Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer.
+Dido did sell mushrooms.
+Penthesilea sold cresses.
+Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.
+Hortensia, a spinstress.
+Livia, a grater of verdigris.
+
+After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but
+a poor scurvy wretched living there below.  And, on the contrary, the
+philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and
+wanting, were great lords there in their turn.  I saw Diogenes there strut
+it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown
+on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand.  And, which is more, he
+would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he
+abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his
+skin with sound bastinadoes.  I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly
+apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with
+store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making
+good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun.  Above the lattice were
+written these verses for his device:
+
+  To leap and dance, to sport and play,
+    And drink good wine both white and brown,
+  Or nothing else do all the day
+    But tell bags full of many a crown.
+
+When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I
+being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most
+theologically.  In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for
+the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper.  No,
+no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings.
+Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man.  Cyrus was
+exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues,
+the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it
+away from him by night.  I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus,
+who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how
+much a dozen.  Three blanks, said the Pope.  Nay, said Pathelin, three
+blows with a cudgel.  Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more.
+The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the
+pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies.  Whereupon
+his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would
+have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of.  I saw Master John Le
+Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor
+kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon
+him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the
+pardons; they are good cheap.  I absolve you of bread and pottage, and
+dispense with you to be never good for anything.  Then, calling Caillet and
+Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch
+their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins.
+Which accordingly was forthwith performed.  I heard Master Francis Villon
+ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard?  A farthing, said Xerxes.  To
+which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain!  As much of
+square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to
+enhance the price of victuals.  With this he pissed in his pot, as the
+mustard-makers of Paris used to do.  I saw the trained bowman of the bathing
+tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of
+the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water
+against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him
+heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for
+Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of
+beer.
+
+Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time,
+only tell us how the usurers are there handled.  I saw them, said
+Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails
+in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this
+world.  But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there
+valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very
+bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it.  Thus the poor misers are
+sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread,
+and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come.
+Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so
+cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in
+hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.
+
+Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink,
+my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month.  Then
+did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their
+leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer.  But the poor King Anarchus
+could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon
+Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may
+be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils
+of hell?  Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee.  Do with
+him what thou wilt, I give him to thee.  Gramercy, said Panurge, the present
+is not to be refused, and I love it from you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXI.
+
+How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge
+married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier
+of green sauce.
+
+After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the
+Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken
+prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown.  Which news when they
+heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order,
+and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into
+the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts
+thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good
+victuals, set out in the middle of the streets.  This was a renewing of the
+golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they
+made.
+
+But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of
+the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot.
+It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how
+to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes.  To which effect let
+those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after
+drinking, for then will I begin to march.  Not that I need any more men
+than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way
+as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that
+they scarce can turn in the streets.  I will, therefore, carry them as a
+colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair,
+wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as
+many of you can tell who have been there heretofore.  Everyone of you,
+therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said.
+This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning
+there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen
+hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children.
+Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did
+the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red
+Sea.
+
+But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how
+Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that
+which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were
+used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and
+ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty
+little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light
+horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and
+stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight,
+--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--I
+lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and
+green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become
+him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing
+him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister?  No,
+indeed, said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the
+three batches, or threadbare sovereign.  I intend to make him an honest
+man.  These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves;
+they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs
+to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their
+unjust and detestable pleasure.  I will put him to a trade, and make him a
+crier of green sauce.  Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce?
+and the poor devil cried.  That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by
+the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut.  So, so poor devil, thou
+hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king.  And
+Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he
+was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of
+a staff.  Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce.  Two days
+thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he
+himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with
+mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads
+unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing.
+And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some
+sorbapple-cider.  And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that
+made music to them with a wind-broach.
+
+After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and
+said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack.
+Why? said Pantagruel.  Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up
+already.  What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel.  Do not you see, said
+Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole
+they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make
+an incision in them and slit them?  So this new bride is in her lower parts
+well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.
+
+Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of
+stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do
+their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever
+was seen in the country of Utopia.  But I have been told since that his
+wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself,
+he is so simple.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXII.
+
+How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author
+saw in his mouth.
+
+Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the
+Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves
+unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the
+cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to
+hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield
+but upon very honourable and good conditions.
+
+What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the
+pot and the glass in their fist?  Come, let us go sack them, and put them
+all to the sword.  Then did they put themselves in good order, as being
+fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a
+large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they
+began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one
+another.  When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that
+it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be
+nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves
+in order, and he would cover them.  Then did they put themselves in a close
+order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew
+out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her
+chickens.  In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable
+stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in
+largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them
+thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could
+not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard's end there is
+no cloth left.  Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along
+full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came
+into his mouth.  But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there?  Jupiter
+confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie!  I walked there as they do
+in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the
+mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth.  I saw also fair
+meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons
+or Poictiers.  The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow
+planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,
+what dost thou make here?  I plant coleworts, said he.  But how, and
+wherewith? said I.  Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as
+heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich.  Thus do I get my poor
+living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here
+behind.  Jesus! said I, is there here a new world?  Sure, said he, it is
+never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is
+an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and
+that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this
+is more ancient than that.  Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of
+that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell?  It is called
+Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,
+and will make you good cheer.  To be brief, I resolved to go thither.  Now,
+in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of
+whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons?  Sir, said he,
+they come from the other world.  Then I thought that, when Pantagruel
+yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it
+had been a pigeon-house.
+
+Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a
+good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.
+Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any
+danger of the plague here?  O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so
+fast that the cart runs about the streets.  Good God! said I, and where?
+Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two
+great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading.  And the
+cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which
+lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and
+twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this
+sevennight.  Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank
+and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did
+eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.
+
+Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and
+never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the
+pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,
+sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer
+outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and
+delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my
+life as then.  After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the
+chaps.  But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in
+the territory towards the ears.  Then, after a little further travelling, I
+fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where
+I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by.  Can
+you tell how?  By sleeping.  For there they hire men by the day to sleep,
+and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at
+least ninepence.  How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the
+senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad
+livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have
+with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and
+beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and
+Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth.  But it is far better
+living on this side, and the air is purer.  Then I began to think that it
+is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth
+not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written
+of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,
+besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea.  Concerning which purpose I
+have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because
+they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.
+
+At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself
+upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell
+before him.  As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest
+thou, Alcofribas?  I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord.  And how
+long hast thou been there? said he.  Since the time, said I, that you went
+against the Almirods.  That is about six months ago, said he.  And
+wherewith didst thou live?  What didst thou drink?  I answered, My lord, of
+the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through
+your throat I took toll.  Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite?  In
+your throat, my lord, said I.  Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.
+We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will
+give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin.  Gramercy, my
+lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.
+
+A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an
+obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,
+because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which
+tormented him more than you would believe.  His physicians nevertheless
+helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made
+him piss away his pain.  His urine was so hot that since that time it is
+not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to
+the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--
+
+    At Coderets.
+    At Limous.
+    At Dast.
+    At Ballervie (Balleruc).
+    At Neric.
+  At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.
+    At Mongros.
+    At Appone.
+  At Sancto Petro de Padua.
+    At St. Helen.
+    At Casa Nuova.
+  At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.
+  At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.
+
+And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who
+spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,
+whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that
+is within the mine.  For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for
+them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus
+in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution
+is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths
+came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.
+
+Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease.  I
+let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound
+weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,
+an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other
+confuse jumblings of sundry drugs.  You must understand that by the advice
+of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should
+be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,
+each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.
+Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst
+and shut with a spring.  Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a
+lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a
+little pill.  Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every
+one of them a shovel on his neck.  Into nine others entered nine
+wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were
+they swallowed down like pills.  When they were in his stomach, every one
+undid his spring, and came out of their cabins.  The first whereof was he
+that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a
+most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or
+the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,
+whereof Strabo maketh mention.  And had it not been that they had very well
+antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,
+they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable
+vapours.  O what a perfume!  O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the
+masks or mufflers of young mangy queans.  After that, with groping and
+smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.
+Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth.  Then fell the
+pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the
+baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.
+
+This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them
+out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours.  But,
+when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians
+coming out of the Trojan horse.  By this means was he healed and brought
+unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or
+rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy
+Cross Church.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIV.
+
+The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author.
+
+Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my
+lord and master Pantagruel.  Here will I make an end of the first book.  My
+head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are
+somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice.  You shall have
+the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you
+see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his
+wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how
+he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian
+mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the
+Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter
+of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and
+burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw
+Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that
+was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether
+indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three
+quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all
+veritable.  These are brave things truly.  Good night, gentlemen.
+Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your
+own.
+
+If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in
+writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you,
+that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them.
+Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of
+pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a
+great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints,
+demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks,
+and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to
+deceive the world.  For, whilst they give the common people to understand
+that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in
+fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and
+aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that,
+on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed
+Bacchanalia vivunt.  You may read it in great letters in the colouring of
+their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when
+they perfume themselves with sulphur.  As for their study, it is wholly
+taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time
+merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling,
+sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and
+diabliculating, that is, calumniating.  Wherein they are like unto the poor
+rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure
+and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and
+that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to
+make thereof pomander oil.  Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much
+as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it.  And
+if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace,
+joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that
+always peep out at one hole.
+
+End of Book II.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book II.
+by Francois Rabelais
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