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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 ***
+
+
+
+
+ORTHODOXY
+
+
+
+
+_BY THE SAME AUTHOR_
+
+
+  ORTHODOXY
+  THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY
+  IN SEARCH OF ARCADY
+
+
+
+
+ORTHODOXY
+
+_by_ NINA WILCOX PUTNAM
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NEW YORK
+MITCHELL KENNERLEY
+1914
+
+
+
+
+_To
+J. H. H._
+
+
+COPYRIGHT 1914 BY
+MITCHELL KENNERLEY
+
+
+
+
+_CHARACTERS_
+
+
+  THE SEXTON           THE TENOR
+  THE ANCIENT WOMAN    THE CONTRALTO
+  THE MINISTER’S WIFE  THE CHORUS
+  THE LAND AGENT       FIRST FARMHAND
+  THE AGENT’S WIFE     SECOND FARMHAND
+  THE BUTCHER          A WORTHY CITIZEN
+  THE BUTCHER’S WIFE   THE RICH BACHELOR
+  FIRST GIRL           THE OLD MAID
+  SECOND GIRL          THE MINISTER
+  THIRD GIRL           THE GREAT GOD PAN
+  FIRST YOUTH          THE IDIOT
+  SECOND YOUTH         THE IDIOT’S MOTHER
+  THIRD YOUTH          THE CHOIR
+  THE BASSO            THE ORGANIST
+  THE SOPRANO          THE STRANGER
+
+
+
+
+_Note_
+
+
+_It must be thoroughly realized that the characters of this play are
+intended to give voice to their actual, private thought of the moment;
+but are intended to do so in the usual tone and manner of polite
+conventionality. Their gestures and voices must be those of people
+under perfectly normal conditions, and everything done to stimulate
+realization by the audience of the fact that it is the secret minds of
+the characters which are being portrayed. They, the characters, are
+simply saying what they are really thinking in the situation in which
+they are presented, instead of employing the empty social forms which
+we are accustomed to hearing people actually give voice to._
+
+
+
+
+AUTHOR’S PREFACE
+
+
+There has always been a peculiar fascination for me in the realization
+that while people were saying one thing, they were almost invariably
+thinking another. In certain circumstances we all realize this to be
+true, as in formal greetings and the expression of social amenities;
+and we read through the convenient form with comparative ease. A
+great deal of the time, however, we have to dodge about among the
+deliberately misleading words used by those with whom we come in
+contact, seeking here and there to find their real meaning, and this
+is a confusing and tiring task: one of those vicarious expenditures of
+energy of which the world has altogether too many. Words are themselves
+pitfalls of misunderstanding. To each of us their meaning varies
+slightly in all but the simplest forms, and even these may readily
+be applied with totally different significance. As for the confusion
+which intonation puts upon the spoken word, differentiating it from
+the same word when written, and the mistaken interpretations resulting
+therefrom, I need say nothing, as they are too widely acknowledged to
+need further comment. Bergson, the eminent French philosopher, points
+out that it is almost impossible really to convey anything through
+so clumsy a medium as language: and the experiment of asking a group
+of people to define the meaning of a simple word like “quite,” for
+instance, will convince anyone of the truth of this.
+
+Now granting that under the best of circumstances it is difficult for
+us to understand each other, why is it not indeed a wasteful thing
+to expend good energy on further disguise of our own thoughts? It is
+infinitely easier to be as direct as words permit, and the resulting
+reaction upon one’s acquaintance is intensely interesting.
+
+However far we may be from this ideal of genuinely frank intercourse
+between humans, if we possess the least curiosity about the actual
+foundations upon which other people’s lives are grounded, we can never
+cease from seeking to discover, or at least to guess, what is actually
+passing in their minds as their lips move over some empty formula--even
+when the formula is empty only from a familiarity which has brought it
+into contempt, and could and should be full of most poignant meaning,
+as in the case of the (omitted) sacred service in my play.
+
+For of all places in which to look for feeling which rings high, and
+words holding true meaning, a church is the most likely. And yet it was
+my childish observation of those who sat around me in the bare white
+church to which my grandmother took me as a little girl, that inspired
+my writing of what I hold to be in no way a sacrilegious play. In those
+long hours when I sat in the red cushioned pew, my feet dangling over
+its edge, quick with restrained energy, my eyes fixed upon the bit
+of sky beyond the tall windows over the clergyman’s head; in those
+long hours I knew that I was not thinking of the words I repeated so
+mechanically; and by a thousand tokens I knew that _the others about me
+were not doing so either_! In every way they betrayed themselves--there
+was no ecstasy upon their faces, they were infinitely more conscious
+of their neighbors’ clothes than of the minister’s words. For years
+I watched them, these smug, comfortable congregations, who had no
+conception of the wonder and stupendous import of the service through
+which they sat so calmly, and hastened forth from, with gossip hot
+upon their lips. And then the notion came to me to write out all that
+I guessed to be the truth about them. All that I felt artistically
+_certain_ was the truth: to put into the mouths of the congregation the
+things I guessed they were thinking. I do not say that I _knew_ they
+were thinking so, for a positive statement is a pitfall for truth. But
+I guessed at it with that same conviction of having hit it right with
+which one looks into the utterly bored face of a departing guest and
+guesses that his “such a delightful time” means “I have had a hateful
+time.” And so I have put down the service as I heard it with my every
+instinct when I was a child: and as I guessed it with my mind as an
+adult.
+
+I do not wish to convey, however, that I believe that there are no
+really good people in churches. The _Contralto_, who hears the voice
+of _Pan_, is a “good” woman, because she is real. Therefore she can
+hear _Pan_. But like most real people she is frankly groping as far
+as her religious feeling goes. She knows that it makes her happy to
+sing, and to give her copper to the poor, and that both things pertain
+to religion: she knows, too, that the voice of _Pan_, the earthly god
+whose hoofs are pungent of meadow loam, and who speaks to the ears of
+youth, and sets the good flesh a-tingle, can be heard in churches, and
+that there is nothing incongruous in the fact: also she is sufficiently
+well-balanced to hear him, but not to lose sanity, and so see him.
+Alas! she is typical, I fear, of the minority, in which I have put her!
+
+I have intended no propaganda in the play, save that which you may
+deduce from it yourself, if you so wish. Make your own interpretations
+(as indeed you will without my telling you to). I have simply been
+curious: and this is the result of my exploration.
+
+  N. W. P.
+
+
+
+
+Orthodoxy
+
+_A Play in One Act_
+
+NINA WILCOX PUTNAM
+
+
+_Scene: The interior of a church. The audience sees a half-section of
+the building as though it had been cut lengthwise through the near
+side of the centre aisle, leaving it intact and running parallel
+with and immediately behind the footlights. As the entire width of
+the aisle is shown, the platform with reading-desk and minister’s
+seat stands complete beneath a sort of proscenium arch. Below the
+reading-desk, upon which is an enormous Bible, and occupying the end of
+the aisle-carpet, is the communion table, with mottled marble top and
+hideous carved legs of walnut. Below this, and extending to the aisle,
+are other pews with doors, facing the pulpit in the usual manner. The
+woodwork is white-painted and the pews cushioned in crimson, while the
+walls are stencilled in imitation of carved mouldings. Through the row
+of long, undecorated windows at the rear the sun is shining gaily, and
+a glimpse of blue sky and waving trees may be had. At the right is the
+organ loft, shown sectionally, and beneath this is the entrance to
+the church. At rise of curtain the Sexton is discovered tidying the
+church with a last few touches: closing the doors of one or two pews,
+making sure that there are hymn-books in the racks and finally giving
+the contribution plate a brush with his pocket-handkerchief. He is a
+dyspeptic-looking man of perhaps forty years of age, whose chin recedes
+timidly into the enormous folds of a ready-made four-in-hand tie. His
+ill-fitting frock coat hangs loosely, but for all that he has an air of
+complacent self-importance. The church-bell is ringing._
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+They will all look at me as they come in. I’m important on Sundays,
+anyhow. What a sense of consequence it gives me to bustle about,
+getting things ready! That’s what I get out of this job! The stipend is
+nothing, the sentiment is nothing: but I put on these clothes and they
+all look at me, whereas they would do nothing of the sort otherwise....
+Now I must go and stand by the door and show them to their seats, as
+they arrive.... I wonder if the town-clerk will wear the shoes I made
+for him! Confound him, I wish he would pay for them!
+
+[_He goes to the entrance door and opens it, letting in a patch of
+sunlight and disclosing the steps of the building and a bit of view.
+He takes up his stand just inside, facing the audience, and adjusts
+his clothes self-consciously. A strange, wild laugh is heard, but the
+Sexton seems not to hear it. Presently the Very Ancient Woman enters.
+She is bent nearly double and walks with a stick. She is slightly
+palsied and her thin, wrinkled face is clear and calm. She is the
+very picture of ancient piety. The Sexton accompanies her, and each
+principal who enters thereafter, to their pews, with a courtesy of
+manner which utterly contradicts his language. Their manner is also a
+contradiction to their words_]
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Well, old crone! What a nuisance it is to have to assist your doddering
+footsteps up the aisle every Sunday!
+
+THE ANCIENT WOMAN
+
+Thank goodness I am the first! Last Sunday the butcher’s wife got here
+before me, and so I missed seeing her come in. But to-day I’ll miss no
+one.
+
+THE SEXTON [_assisting her into a pew_]
+
+Old stupid! Tuck your skirt in, can’t you?
+
+THE ANCIENT WOMAN [_gazing around with an air of satisfaction_]
+
+This is fine! So much better than staying at home alone. I would not
+miss it for worlds!
+
+[_The Minister’s Wife enters with two small girl children, one on
+either hand. She exchanges a surreptitious bow with the Sexton and
+hurries to a front pew_]
+
+THE MINISTER’S WIFE [_as she goes down the aisle_]
+
+Oh, I hope the roast will not burn while I am gone! That wretched
+stove! My garter hurts. Shall I be able to adjust it, I wonder?
+No! Some one might see: I shall have to sit in misery. The whole
+congregation will watch me; but no matter how I act, they will talk
+about it afterward.... If only the children will be quiet! I will pray
+for that. [_She enters the pew and kneels, burying her face in her
+hands, while the little girls sit staring about, round-eyed_]
+
+THE SEXTON [_returning to door_]
+
+Poor woman, what a silly face she has!
+
+[_Enter the Land Agent and his Wife_]
+
+THE LAND AGENT [_to the Sexton_]
+
+If this were the place to talk about such things I would tell you that
+I am going to evict you to-morrow.
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+How you glare at me, sir! Positively, I am tempted to rob the plate in
+order to pay you!
+
+THE AGENT’S WIFE
+
+I have on a new hat.
+
+[_The laugh rings out again, but no one heeds_]
+
+THE SEXTON [_smiling politely_]
+
+Here is your pew. I wish its floor would collapse and drop you both
+through.
+
+THE AGENT’S WIFE
+
+I have on a new hat! [_She kneels and continues repeating the sentence
+softly for a moment_]
+
+[_Enter the Butcher and his Wife_]
+
+THE BUTCHER
+
+Thank fortune, the All-pervading Power, if there really is any such,
+cannot possibly know about that overcharge I made. He will only see
+the fine waistcoat which I bought with it!
+
+THE BUTCHER’S WIFE
+
+How religious I look! It is so respectable to go to church with one’s
+husband!
+
+THE ANCIENT WOMAN
+
+She has on her last summer’s gown!
+
+THE SEXTON [_to the butcher, genially_]
+
+I’ll beat you at pinochle yet, old man!
+
+[_Enter three Young Girls_]
+
+FIRST GIRL
+
+See my new hat, see my new hat! It has pink, pink roses upon it.
+
+SECOND GIRL
+
+Her hat is not any better than my shoes. Look at my shoes.
+
+THIRD GIRL
+
+He has not come as yet!
+
+THE SEXTON [_shows them a seat_]
+
+Here, you charming things! How plump the eldest is: I would like to
+pinch her.
+
+THIRD GIRL [_kneeling_]
+
+How the sexton smells of pomade: he sickens me. When will my beloved
+come!
+
+FIRST GIRL [_kneeling_]
+
+My new hat, see my new hat, see it, see it!
+
+SECOND GIRL [_kneeling_]
+
+My shoes, my shoes! They hurt, but see how white they are.
+
+[_The church fills more rapidly now, with a crowd of country folk. The
+named Characters come in, forward, along the outer edge of the aisle.
+The gallery begins to fill_]
+
+[_Enter two Youths_]
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Louts! You can find your own places!
+
+THIRD GIRL
+
+It is he! Will he not look at me?
+
+FIRST YOUTH
+
+There is the grocer’s daughter. How she stares! I wish she would stop
+it, for she makes me uneasy. Now if it were the young matron yonder,
+who looked at me once with soft eyes....
+
+SECOND YOUTH
+
+The grocer’s daughter will not look at me. Alas!
+
+[_Enter Third Youth_]
+
+THIRD YOUTH
+
+How my shirt scratches me, how my shirt scratches me!
+
+[_Kneels, repeating_]
+
+[_The Organist begins to play very softly, and the Choir straggle in
+and take their places_]
+
+THE BASSO
+
+If you don’t keep on the key this morning, Miss Soprano, I shall go mad!
+
+THE SOPRANO
+
+You have a wretched ear for music!
+
+THE CHORUS [_tittering_]
+
+We are really as good as they, the conceited things!
+
+THE TENOR
+
+This choir would go all to pieces if it were not for me. At least I
+must contrive to keep them thinking so.
+
+THE CONTRALTO
+
+Oh, the music, the music! Once a week at least I can sing to the organ.
+How glad I am--how glad I am to sing!
+
+[_The laugh rings out again, and at the sound of it the Contralto
+smiles and hums over her part under her breath. No one else heeds_]
+
+[_Enter two Farmhands_]
+
+FIRST FARMHAND
+
+I don’t really know what it is all about, but let us sit down.
+
+SECOND FARMHAND
+
+No more do I understand it; but it’s very respectable.
+
+[_Enter a Worthy Citizen and his Wife, together with a Rich Bachelor.
+They talk as they walk up the aisle and become seated in the same pew_]
+
+THE WORTHY CITIZEN [_to the Rich Bachelor_]
+
+Our business is going well, friend, and not the less so because we show
+ourselves regularly in this House!
+
+THE RICH BACHELOR
+
+Yes, yes! And how fine it is to know that as we walk up here, everyone
+is looking and whispering, and wondering how much money we really have!
+[_He kneels and murmurs_] I hope dinner will be on time to-day.
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+I will bow obsequiously to you, and perhaps you will lend me the money
+that will save me from eviction! I hope you are seated comfortably!
+
+[_Enter the Old Maid_]
+
+THE OLD MAID [_hurrying primly to a front pew_]
+
+Will the men look at me as I pass? Ah! There is no desire in their
+eyes. [_Kneels in her pew_] I am a-weary, blowing on cold ashes!
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Ah! She was a wild one when I was a boy, the slut! The village never
+found her out, though!
+
+[_Enter a Common Woman with her son, the village Idiot. They seat
+themselves mid-way down the aisle, in direct line with one of the
+gaunt windows, the sash of which is half open. During the scene which
+follows, the Idiot keeps staring at this window, where presently
+appears the Great God Pan. Pan it is who has been laughing, and he
+seats himself upon the sill, where he and the Idiot can see each other.
+They talk on terms of old intimacy, using many gestures, and are
+entirely oblivious to everything save each other. No one but the Idiot
+sees Pan or hears what he says, nor what the Idiot says to him. When
+the Idiot speaks to Pan, his language is intelligible. When he replies
+to his mother’s rebuke, he is able to make nothing but a terrible,
+meaningless sound in his throat. The Contralto, in the organ loft,
+seems to realize Pan is present, but she cannot see him. The tolling of
+the bell ceases, and the Minister, a smug young man in a white stock,
+walks briskly up the aisle, a Bible under his arm_]
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Ah! They can never begin without Me! I am the whole show, here! It is
+really a very desirable job, mine!
+
+[_He goes to the platform, mounts the steps and, standing behind the
+reading-desk, half closes his eyes, stretching out his hands to the
+Congregation, who lean forward in prayer_]
+
+THE MINISTER [_as though praying_]
+
+Lean forward uncomfortably now, all of you, and listen, or don’t
+listen, exactly as you like. But do steal a covert look at me, as
+I stand here in this picturesque and sanctified attitude. Here we
+are, gathered together in this house, and I can’t think of a single
+original thing to say, try as I will. I am going to be very dull, I
+know, but it gives me a sort of pleasant sense of importance to be
+doing it, and it will be over in about an hour, and then we will all be
+at liberty to go our several ways. Amen!
+
+[_During the dialogue between Pan and the Idiot, the Minister and the
+congregation go on with the motions of the service_]
+
+THE IDIOT [_to Pan_]
+
+Hello! Won’t you come in?
+
+PAN
+
+It is warmer here in the sunlight.
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+I will come out to you presently. Can you see the ocean from there?
+
+PAN
+
+Yes. I was down upon the sands early this morning and saw....
+
+[_His voice is lost in the sound of the Congregation singing, although
+the two are seen to go on talking unconcernedly. The Congregation has
+arisen and sings_]:
+
+    Praise Gold from which all blessings flow,
+    Praise it ye creatures here below;
+    Praise it all ye Heavenly Hosts,
+    Slave for gold till ye give up your ghosts!
+
+[_The Congregation resumes its seats_]
+
+PAN
+
+... and the leaves all caressed each other and laughed for love of it!
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+And did the south wind _never_ come back?
+
+PAN
+
+O yes! The south wind it was that played about the barren branches
+this very spring, coaxing the young leaves to come out again. She and
+the sun, you know, are lovers, and I will tell you a story about them,
+which a famous Greek historian, who was my good friend, wrote. You see
+it came about thus.... [_Pan’s voice is drowned out by that of the
+Minister_]
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+We will now read the ninth selection of the psalter, page one hundred
+and twenty. The ninth selection.
+
+My son, forget not my law: but let thine heart keep my commandments.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+For length of days, and long life and peace, shall they add to thee.
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Let not cunning and deceit forsake thee: bind them about thy neck;
+write them upon the tablets of thy heart.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of man.
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Trust in Gold with all thy heart; and lean not unto thine own
+understanding.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+In all ways acknowledge Gold, and it shall direct thy paths.
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Be wise in thine own eyes; fear Good and depend on evil.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+It shall be health to thy navel and marrow to thy bones.
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Honor Success with thy substance, and with the first fruits of all
+thine increase.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+So shall thy barrels be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst
+out with new wine.
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Happy is the man that findeth cunning and getteth unscrupulous.
+
+THE CONGREGATION
+
+For the merchandise of it is begotten of the merchandise of silver, and
+the gain thereof, fine gold.
+
+PAN
+
+... And there they lay upon the bank of scented ferns, until her
+sister, the west wind, drew away the grey curtain of night, while Mrs.
+Aurora extinguished the stars, one by one, and raised her flaming
+shield against the eastern horizon!
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+A lovely story, that! But who is Mrs. Aurora?
+
+PAN
+
+A light lady of my acquaintance, much given to chariot-racing, I regret
+to say. A noisy party, not scrupling to awaken sleepers!
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+Tell me about her.
+
+PAN
+
+Some other day. Is not one story sufficient for one morning?
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+Well, it was a beautiful story! I will repeat it to the rivulets on the
+hillside, that they may babble it over, and have it memorized in time
+to tell it to the sea, when they shall reach it!
+
+PAN
+
+Hast seen those young robins yet--the ones of which I told you? Your
+tutoring would help them learn to fly. Be sure now that this afternoon
+you go....
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+We will now rise and unite as nearly as possible in singing hymn number
+five hundred and fifteen. Hymn number five hundred and fifteen.
+
+THE CONGREGATION [_sings_]
+
+    The Church’s one foundation
+      Has long been lost to sight,
+    It now is the creation
+      Of greed, convention, fright.
+    From honest superstition,
+      Full long we have been free,
+    But still we must maintain
+      Re-spec-ta-bil-i-ty!
+
+                              Amen!
+
+THE IDIOT [_clapping his hands loudly, and jumping up and down with
+glee at some suggestion of Pan’s_]
+
+That will be fine! And afterward, we will dance!
+
+THE IDIOT’S MOTHER [_shaking him by the shoulder_]
+
+Stop staring and mouthing at that window!
+
+[_The Idiot makes a terrible, inarticulate sound in reply to her. It is
+evident that he cannot talk to humans_]
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+The lesson for to-day will be found in the third verse of the
+thirty-second chapter of the book of Exodus. “And all the people brake
+off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto
+Aaron. And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a
+graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, these
+be thy Gods, O Israel....”
+
+THE IDIOT [_together with Pan_]
+
+O joy! O joy!
+
+THE IDIOT’S MOTHER [_angry_]
+
+Shut up, can’t you! This is no place for such things!
+
+[_The Idiot repeats his inarticulate noise_]
+
+PAN
+
+As I was about to remark....
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Let us pray! Oh, darn it all! I have to make this prayer longer than
+the first! I have to talk on and on and on and on for twenty minutes.
+If I talk less, I’ll hear of it from the deacons. On and on and on and
+on! One eye on the clock, though both eyes appear shut! On and on! Is
+the time up yet? No! Two minutes more! On and on and on! Just filling
+the time with meaningless words. Ah! Time’s up!... and hear us as we
+say [_the Congregation joins him_] Our Father, who art a safe distance
+away in a hypothetical place called Heaven, give us this day our daily
+bread and all the other things we want: give us, give us, give us,
+give, give, give! Amen!
+
+PAN [_laughs loudly_]
+
+You have hit it right! The interesting things in life are the difficult
+ones--and to prove it, this very afternoon we will hang garlands on the
+guinea-pigs’ tails, shoe the snakes’ feet, and make a portrait of the
+wind!
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+Won’t that be clever of us? And useful, too!
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+The notices for the week are as follows. On Tuesday evening at half
+past seven, the Mothers’ Meeting will take place. It will be attended
+chiefly by old maids, as usual. Wednesday evening, the Missionary
+Society will meet in the chapel, as heretofore. Mr. O. Phool will speak
+about the vital necessity of neglecting our own slums entirely, and
+sending out a few more or less illiterate men and women to try and
+uproot the ancient philosophic religion of China. All are welcome.
+On Thursday evening the usual bluff, very similar to this present
+one, will be held in the chapel. Our neighbor, the church in the next
+town, extends a well-calculated invitation to the members of this
+congregation to attend the unveiling of a perfectly ridiculous monument
+which they have erected in memory of the late Bishop of this diocese.
+They hope all of you will come and help make a good crowd. The Sunday
+morning Institution for Befogging the Minds of the Young will take
+place in the basement of this church immediately after this service.
+All are welcome to stay and gloat over it. You will now be fleeced of
+the usual money in the usual fashion. I hope you will all contribute
+generously. Inasmuch as my salary comes out of it, this is always a
+rather anxious and embarrassing time for me. So I will retire behind
+the desk and try to look unconscious.
+
+[_The Minister seats himself. The organ plays softly, and the Sexton,
+taking the plate from the communion table, passes it along the aisle.
+The Congregation speak as they drop in their offerings_]
+
+THE ANCIENT WOMAN
+
+My usual small bit. The show is worth it!
+
+THE MINISTER’S WIFE
+
+My copper, for appearance sake. Oh, that roast of beef in the oven at
+home!
+
+THE LAND AGENT
+
+Half a dollar, or they will think my business is failing!
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Stingy!
+
+THE BUTCHER
+
+A part of that overcharge, just in case. ... it will ease my mind.
+
+FIRST YOUNG GIRL
+
+See what a dainty hand I have!
+
+SECOND YOUNG GIRL
+
+I hope that he whom I love sees how generously I give!
+
+THIRD YOUNG GIRL
+
+I had far rather buy a ribbon with it!
+
+THE SEXTON [_turning from them with a critical air_]
+
+The eldest is not so attractive after all: she has a pimple on her chin!
+
+FIRST YOUTH
+
+I will put in nothing, for my friend here is going to put in two coins,
+and if I make the motions of contributing, no one but the sexton will
+know....
+
+[_Second Youth contributes_]
+
+THIRD YOUTH
+
+I would not give this were it not that I still have enough to buy a
+drink with later!
+
+THE BASSO [_to the Soprano, who apparently agrees with him_]
+
+We are lucky to escape that. They don’t pass the plate up here!
+
+THE CONTRALTO [_to herself_]
+
+I will keep my little coin to drop in the poor-box as I go out.
+
+[_Pan laughs and she smiles at him, not seeing, but only hearing him_]
+
+FIRST FARMHAND
+
+It’s cruel to make us give up part of a hard-earned wage for this!
+
+THE RICH BACHELOR
+
+This gives me pride! I am sure no one else will give as much as I do!
+
+[_The Idiot repeats his inarticulate sound_]
+
+HIS MOTHER
+
+Shut up! Don’t disgrace me just as I’m giving a decent bit of money to
+the plate!
+
+THE OLD MAID
+
+I will fumble with my purse as long as possible, that you may be
+obliged to stand near, man!
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Ugh! There is a vile odor of peppermint about you. [_Turning away with
+the plate, and looking the coins over furtively_]
+
+Bah! A wretched collection! But see how magnificently I will march up
+the aisle with it!
+
+[_The Sexton retires_]
+
+PAN
+
+Yes, dear comrade, with pleasure! Here is a handful of fresh air for
+you! [_He makes a gesture of tossing. A breeze blows in_]
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+Thanks! I drink your health with it!
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+Let us try to sing in the same time and key, the hymn number five
+hundred and twenty-four. Hymn number five hundred and twenty-four!
+
+THE CONGREGATION [_sings_]
+
+    From Greenland’s icy mountains
+    To India’s coral strand,
+    Where Afric’s sunny fountains
+    Roll down their golden sand,
+    From every ancient city
+    From modern town or old,
+    We hear the single cry of
+    “O let us work for gold!”
+
+                              Amen!
+
+THE IDIOT
+
+I sing, I sing! [_Repeats his inarticulate sound_]
+
+HIS MOTHER
+
+Be still, fool!
+
+PAN
+
+I laugh! Ha! Ha!
+
+[_The Idiot and Pan laugh together_]
+
+THE MINISTER
+
+My text for to-day will be found in the third verse of the sixth
+chapter of St. Matthew: “Let not thy left hand know what thy right
+hand doeth.” I use this text because it is a popular one: one which we
+are all pretty well in sympathy with, and live by, conscientiously,
+rather than because it has anything so very much to do with my sermon.
+However, that is of little importance, for it is possible to twist
+any text into any desired meaning: indeed its breadth of meaning is
+dependent only upon the wit of the minister, and if I was quicker
+of wit, you would not stand for what I would then wish to preach.
+Neither, my brethren, would I be here in this stupid little town:
+I’d be in a swell church in a big city, where the women would make
+me really valuable presents! Well, I suppose I’d better get back to
+the text, although, of course, it’s much more amusing to me to talk
+about myself. “Let not thy right hand know what thy left hand doeth!”
+Reflect, dear friends, on the beauty of that thought--on its practical
+common sense! We all know how desirable is the ability to fool
+ourselves, and how comparatively few of us have attained perfection
+in that art. But we can--if we strive earnestly--we can _all_ acquire
+the habit of fooling ourselves part of the time: in other words, we
+can do one thing with one hand, and actually blind ourselves as to
+what we are doing with the other, even though it counteracts the first
+action entirely! We can beam kindly on our neighbor and lend him money
+at usury, and then give instructions to a secret partner to foreclose
+on that neighbor at the earliest opportunity. How simple. Yet the
+application of this great maxim--“Let not thy right hand know”--can
+be made even more simple and direct. We can, for example, shake hands
+with a man with our right hand, and abstract his watch with our left!
+In this case, plainly, our hands are doing exactly opposite things.
+Your innocent right hand, and your equally innocent left, are blameless
+because you have stood between them, obeying the precept of the great
+author of our text! Never, my friends, my brethren, never believe
+but that you can live in accordance with the teachings of the great
+prophets and, more especially, by the examples set forth in the book
+of books! Think not that all the examples set forth therein are too
+difficult for modern humanity to attain! It is not so, my brethren,
+it is not so! Did not David steal his neighbor’s wife? He did! And
+who was it got a vineyard by a false foreclosure, but his son? Can
+not this sort of thing be done to-day? It can, my brethren, it can,
+if you will but try hard enough! And many villainies beside, all of
+which you can justify, if you will, by precedent in the book of
+books! Try it, my friends--try it, I beg of you. Strive earnestly,
+and you will find that you can do pretty nearly anything and get away
+with it, provided you come here regularly, and so, keep my job going
+for me. Remember, that if you are sufficiently orthodox, the Bible is
+infallible. Whether you live by the first half of it or by the second,
+is really of no importance to the church. You must simply acknowledge
+its infallibility, and then choose your half. I advise the older part.
+The Bible is infallible. You believe in it: therefore you are orthodox.
+The Bible is infallible, but it is contradictory. So is infallibility.
+Infallibly so! So perhaps contradiction is infallible.
+
+Now that I have given you a sermon which you did not feel obliged to
+listen to (in accordance with the terms of my contract) instead of what
+I would like to say, I will stop. If you really knew what I honestly
+believe, you would be astonished. But it is better for you to remain
+in ignorance, and better for me. Indeed, a slightly altered form of
+to-day’s text would fit me admirably. “Let not thy right mind know
+what thy wrong is doing, lest you go mad!” [_He closes his eyes and
+stretches out his hands_] And now one short prayer more. This is the
+last, thank fortune, and the least difficult. I’ll just say a word or
+two further. That will do. Amen!
+
+[_The Choir sings alone, the Congregation standing_]
+
+THE CHOIR [_sings_]
+
+    Praise to the leading social light,
+      And to the rich sing praise:
+    But most of all let’s praise ourselves,
+      No matter what our ways.
+
+                              Amen!
+
+[_Tune, dox. 566_]
+
+THE MINISTER [_with outstretched hands_]
+
+Let us go to dinner! Amen!
+
+[_The instant the Minister stops speaking, the Congregation begins to
+bustle out, most indecorously, all talking at once_]
+
+PAN [_above the din of talk_]
+
+Meet you at the door, comrade! Ha! ha! ha! ha! [_He leaps down and
+disappears_]
+
+[_The Idiot rushes off from his mother, unreproved. Gradually the
+crowd thins out, with characteristic action on the part of the named
+characters, until there is no one left except the Sexton, who is busy
+with the collection-plate, by the pulpit. A wait. Then, into the vivid
+patch of sunlight at the open door, there steps the ragged form of a
+Stranger. He is young, but bearded, and wears a voluminous cloak of
+rough material. He is bare-footed, bare-headed, and carries a long
+staff like a shepherd’s crook. The sun is vivid behind his golden head_]
+
+
+THE STRANGER [_entering only as far as the doorsill_]
+
+What a fine place this is!
+
+
+THE SEXTON [_putting the collection money into his pocket and hurrying
+down the aisle in a fine rage at sight of the shabby intruder_]
+
+Yes, a very fine and expensive building. But you will have to get out.
+I am closing up!
+
+THE STRANGER [_retreats a trifle before the rough gesture of the
+Sexton_]
+
+Closing so fine and large a house! Is it left empty, then?
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+All the week. Why not?
+
+THE STRANGER
+
+Empty all through the week! Then perhaps I can find lodging here!
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Ha! ha! _Lodging here_! Ho! ho! That’s a good one! [_They step out on
+to the porch, the Sexton pushing out the Stranger_] Lodging. Oh! ha!
+ha! Don’t you recognize this place, don’t you know what place this is?
+
+THE STRANGER
+
+What strange place is it?
+
+THE SEXTON
+
+Why, you idiot! It is the house of God!
+
+[_He shuts the door with a bang, closing himself and the Stranger out.
+The key is heard to turn in the lock, raspingly_]
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber’s Note:
+
+- Text that was in italics is enclosed by underscores (_italics_).
+
+- Text that was in small caps is in all caps (SMALL CAPS).
+
+- Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized.
+
+- Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice.
+
+- New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the
+public domain.
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 ***
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+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 ***</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp45" style="max-width: 100.0em;" id="cover">
+  <img alt="" class="w100" src="images/cover.jpg" id="img_images_cover.jpg">
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h1 class="nobreak title" id="ORTHODOXY">
+<span class="smcap">
+Orthodoxy</span></h1>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+</div>
+
+<div class="bbox"><br><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR</i>
+<br><br>
+  ORTHODOXY<br>
+  THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY<br>
+  IN SEARCH OF ARCADY
+<br><br>
+</div>
+<br><br><br><br>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span></p>
+
+<p class="title2">ORTHODOXY</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><i>by</i> NINA WILCOX PUTNAM</p>
+<br>
+<figure class="figcenter illowp5" id="p03" style="max-width: 8.8125em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p03.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+<br>
+<p class="ph4">NEW YORK</p>
+<p class="ph4">MITCHELL KENNERLEY</p>
+<p class="ph4">1914</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span></p>
+<br><br><br>
+<p class="ph3"><i>To</i></p>
+<p class="ph3"><i>J. H. H.</i></p>
+<br><br>
+<p class="ph4">COPYRIGHT 1914 BY</p>
+<p class="ph4">MITCHELL KENNERLEY</p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span></p>
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHARACTERS">
+    <i>CHARACTERS</i>
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+<table class="autotable">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE SEXTON</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE TENOR</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE ANCIENT WOMAN</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE CONTRALTO</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE MINISTER’S WIFE</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE CHORUS</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE LAND AGENT</td>
+<td class="tdl">FIRST FARMHAND</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE AGENT’S WIFE</td>
+<td class="tdl">SECOND FARMHAND</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE BUTCHER</td>
+<td class="tdl">A WORTHY CITIZEN</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE BUTCHER’S WIFE</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE RICH BACHELOR</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">FIRST GIRL</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE OLD MAID</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">SECOND GIRL</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE MINISTER</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THIRD GIRL</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE GREAT GOD PAN</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">FIRST YOUTH</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE IDIOT</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">SECOND YOUTH</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE IDIOT’S MOTHER</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THIRD YOUTH</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE CHOIR</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE BASSO</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE ORGANIST</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">THE SOPRANO</td>
+<td class="tdl">THE STRANGER</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span></p>
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="Note">
+    <i>Note</i>
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+<p class="preface"><i>It must be thoroughly realized that the characters
+of this play are intended to give voice to
+their actual, private thought of the moment;
+but are intended to do so in the usual tone and
+manner of polite conventionality. Their gestures
+and voices must be those of people under
+perfectly normal conditions, and everything
+done to stimulate realization by the audience
+of the fact that it is the secret minds of the
+characters which are being portrayed. They,
+the characters, are simply saying what they are
+really thinking in the situation in which they
+are presented, instead of employing the empty
+social forms which we are accustomed to hearing
+people actually give voice to.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span></p>
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="Authors_Preface">
+    <span class="smcap">Author’s Preface</span>
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+<p class="preface">There has always been a peculiar fascination
+for me in the realization that while people
+were saying one thing, they were almost
+invariably thinking another. In certain circumstances
+we all realize this to be true, as in
+formal greetings and the expression of social
+amenities; and we read through the convenient
+form with comparative ease. A great deal of
+the time, however, we have to dodge about
+among the deliberately misleading words used
+by those with whom we come in contact, seeking
+here and there to find their real meaning, and
+this is a confusing and tiring task: one of those
+vicarious expenditures of energy of which the
+world has altogether too many. Words are
+themselves pitfalls of misunderstanding. To
+each of us their meaning varies slightly in all
+but the simplest forms, and even these may
+readily be applied with totally different significance.
+As for the confusion which intonation
+puts upon the spoken word, differentiating
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>it from the same word when written, and the
+mistaken interpretations resulting therefrom, I
+need say nothing, as they are too widely acknowledged
+to need further comment. Bergson,
+the eminent French philosopher, points
+out that it is almost impossible really to convey
+anything through so clumsy a medium as language:
+and the experiment of asking a
+group of people to define the meaning of a
+simple word like “quite,” for instance, will
+convince anyone of the truth of this.</p>
+
+<p class="preface">Now granting that under the best of circumstances
+it is difficult for us to understand each
+other, why is it not indeed a wasteful thing to
+expend good energy on further disguise of our
+own thoughts? It is infinitely easier to be as
+direct as words permit, and the resulting reaction
+upon one’s acquaintance is intensely interesting.</p>
+
+<p class="preface">However far we may be from this ideal of
+genuinely frank intercourse between humans,
+if we possess the least curiosity about the
+actual foundations upon which other people’s
+lives are grounded, we can never cease from
+seeking to discover, or at least to guess, what
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>is actually passing in their minds as their lips
+move over some empty formula—even when
+the formula is empty only from a familiarity
+which has brought it into contempt, and could
+and should be full of most poignant meaning,
+as in the case of the (omitted) sacred service
+in my play.</p>
+
+<p class="preface">For of all places in which to look for feeling
+which rings high, and words holding true
+meaning, a church is the most likely. And yet
+it was my childish observation of those who
+sat around me in the bare white church to
+which my grandmother took me as a little girl,
+that inspired my writing of what I hold to be in
+no way a sacrilegious play. In those long
+hours when I sat in the red cushioned pew,
+my feet dangling over its edge, quick with restrained
+energy, my eyes fixed upon the bit of
+sky beyond the tall windows over the clergyman’s
+head; in those long hours I knew that
+I was not thinking of the words I repeated so
+mechanically; and by a thousand tokens I knew
+that <i>the others about me were not doing so
+either</i>! In every way they betrayed themselves—there
+was no ecstasy upon their faces,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>they were infinitely more conscious of their
+neighbors’ clothes than of the minister’s words.
+For years I watched them, these smug, comfortable
+congregations, who had no conception
+of the wonder and stupendous import of
+the service through which they sat so calmly,
+and hastened forth from, with gossip hot upon
+their lips. And then the notion came to me
+to write out all that I guessed to be the truth
+about them. All that I felt artistically <i>certain</i>
+was the truth: to put into the mouths of the
+congregation the things I guessed they were
+thinking. I do not say that I <i>knew</i> they were
+thinking so, for a positive statement is a pitfall
+for truth. But I guessed at it with that
+same conviction of having hit it right with
+which one looks into the utterly bored face of
+a departing guest and guesses that his “such
+a delightful time” means “I have had a hateful
+time.” And so I have put down the service
+as I heard it with my every instinct when I was
+a child: and as I guessed it with my mind as
+an adult.</p>
+
+<p class="preface">I do not wish to convey, however, that I believe
+that there are no really good people in
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>churches. The <i>Contralto</i>, who hears the voice
+of <i>Pan</i>, is a “good” woman, because she is
+real. Therefore she can hear <i>Pan</i>. But like
+most real people she is frankly groping as far
+as her religious feeling goes. She knows that
+it makes her happy to sing, and to give her
+copper to the poor, and that both things pertain
+to religion: she knows, too, that the voice of
+<i>Pan</i>, the earthly god whose hoofs are pungent
+of meadow loam, and who speaks to the ears
+of youth, and sets the good flesh a-tingle, can
+be heard in churches, and that there is nothing
+incongruous in the fact: also she is sufficiently
+well-balanced to hear him, but not to
+lose sanity, and so see him. Alas! she is
+typical, I fear, of the minority, in which I have
+put her!</p>
+
+<p class="preface">I have intended no propaganda in the play,
+save that which you may deduce from it yourself,
+if you so wish. Make your own interpretations
+(as indeed you will without my telling
+you to). I have simply been curious: and this
+is the result of my exploration.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+  N. W. P.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a><a id="Page_13"></a>[Pg 13]</span></p>
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="Orthodoxy">
+    Orthodoxy
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+<p class="center"><i>A Play in One Act</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Nina Wilcox Putnam</span></p>
+<br>
+<p><i>Scene: The interior of a church. The audience
+sees a half-section of the building as
+though it had been cut lengthwise through the
+near side of the centre aisle, leaving it intact
+and running parallel with and immediately behind
+the footlights. As the entire width of the
+aisle is shown, the platform with reading-desk
+and minister’s seat stands complete beneath a
+sort of proscenium arch. Below the reading-desk,
+upon which is an enormous Bible, and
+occupying the end of the aisle-carpet, is the
+communion table, with mottled marble top and
+hideous carved legs of walnut. Below this,
+and extending to the aisle, are other pews with
+doors, facing the pulpit in the usual manner.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>The woodwork is white-painted and the pews
+cushioned in crimson, while the walls are stencilled
+in imitation of carved mouldings.
+Through the row of long, undecorated windows
+at the rear the sun is shining gaily, and
+a glimpse of blue sky and waving trees may
+be had. At the right is the organ loft, shown
+sectionally, and beneath this is the entrance
+to the church. At rise of curtain the Sexton
+is discovered tidying the church with a last few
+touches: closing the doors of one or two pews,
+making sure that there are hymn-books in the
+racks and finally giving the contribution plate
+a brush with his pocket-handkerchief. He is
+a dyspeptic-looking man of perhaps forty years
+of age, whose chin recedes timidly into the
+enormous folds of a ready-made four-in-hand
+tie. His ill-fitting frock coat hangs loosely, but
+for all that he has an air of complacent self-importance.
+The church-bell is ringing.</i></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>They will all look at me as they come in.
+I’m important on Sundays, anyhow. What
+a sense of consequence it gives me to bustle
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>about, getting things ready! That’s what I
+get out of this job! The stipend is nothing,
+the sentiment is nothing: but I put on these
+clothes and they all look at me, whereas they
+would do nothing of the sort otherwise....
+Now I must go and stand by the
+door and show them to their seats, as they
+arrive.... I wonder if the town-clerk
+will wear the shoes I made for him! Confound
+him, I wish he would pay for them!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes to the entrance door and opens it,
+letting in a patch of sunlight and disclosing
+the steps of the building and a bit of view.
+He takes up his stand just inside, facing the
+audience, and adjusts his clothes self-consciously.
+A strange, wild laugh is heard, but
+the Sexton seems not to hear it. Presently
+the Very Ancient Woman enters. She is
+bent nearly double and walks with a stick.
+She is slightly palsied and her thin, wrinkled
+face is clear and calm. She is the very picture
+of ancient piety. The Sexton accompanies
+her, and each principal who enters
+thereafter, to their pews, with a courtesy of
+manner which utterly contradicts his language.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>Their manner is also a contradiction
+to their words</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Well, old crone! What a nuisance it is to
+have to assist your doddering footsteps up
+the aisle every Sunday!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Ancient Woman</span></p>
+
+<p>Thank goodness I am the first! Last Sunday
+the butcher’s wife got here before me,
+and so I missed seeing her come in. But to-day
+I’ll miss no one.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>assisting her into a pew</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Old stupid! Tuck your skirt in, can’t you?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Ancient Woman</span> [<i>gazing around with
+an air of satisfaction</i>]</p>
+
+<p>This is fine! So much better than staying at
+home alone. I would not miss it for worlds!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Minister’s Wife enters with two small
+girl children, one on either hand. She exchanges
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span>a surreptitious bow with the Sexton
+and hurries to a front pew</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister’s Wife</span> [<i>as she goes down the
+aisle</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I hope the roast will not burn while I
+am gone! That wretched stove! My garter
+hurts. Shall I be able to adjust it, I wonder?
+No! Some one might see: I shall have
+to sit in misery. The whole congregation
+will watch me; but no matter how I act, they
+will talk about it afterward.... If
+only the children will be quiet! I will pray
+for that. [<i>She enters the pew and kneels,
+burying her face in her hands, while the little
+girls sit staring about, round-eyed</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>returning to door</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Poor woman, what a silly face she has!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter the Land Agent and his Wife</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Land Agent</span> [<i>to the Sexton</i>]</p>
+
+<p>If this were the place to talk about such
+things I would tell you that I am going to
+evict you to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>How you glare at me, sir! Positively, I am
+tempted to rob the plate in order to pay
+you!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Agent’s Wife</span></p>
+
+<p>I have on a new hat.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The laugh rings out again, but no one
+heeds</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>smiling politely</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Here is your pew. I wish its floor would
+collapse and drop you both through.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Agent’s Wife</span></p>
+
+<p>I have on a new hat! [<i>She kneels and continues
+repeating the sentence softly for a
+moment</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter the Butcher and his Wife</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Butcher</span></p>
+
+<p>Thank fortune, the All-pervading Power, if
+there really is any such, cannot possibly
+know about that overcharge I made. He
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>will only see the fine waistcoat which I
+bought with it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Butcher’s Wife</span></p>
+
+<p>How religious I look! It is so respectable
+to go to church with one’s husband!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Ancient Woman</span></p>
+
+<p>She has on her last summer’s gown!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>to the butcher, genially</i>]</p>
+
+<p>I’ll beat you at pinochle yet, old man!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter three Young Girls</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>See my new hat, see my new hat! It has
+pink, pink roses upon it.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Second Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>Her hat is not any better than my shoes.
+Look at my shoes.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>He has not come as yet!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>shows them a seat</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Here, you charming things! How plump the
+eldest is: I would like to pinch her.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Girl</span> [<i>kneeling</i>]</p>
+
+<p>How the sexton smells of pomade: he sickens
+me. When will my beloved come!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Girl</span> [<i>kneeling</i>]</p>
+
+<p>My new hat, see my new hat, see it, see it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Second Girl</span> [<i>kneeling</i>]</p>
+
+<p>My shoes, my shoes! They hurt, but see
+how white they are.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The church fills more rapidly now, with a
+crowd of country folk. The named Characters
+come in, forward, along the outer edge
+of the aisle. The gallery begins to fill</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter two Youths</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Louts! You can find your own places!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>It is he! Will he not look at me?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Youth</span></p>
+
+<p>There is the grocer’s daughter. How she
+stares! I wish she would stop it, for she
+makes me uneasy. Now if it were the young
+matron yonder, who looked at me once with
+soft eyes....</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Second Youth</span></p>
+
+<p>The grocer’s daughter will not look at me.
+Alas!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter Third Youth</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Youth</span></p>
+
+<p>How my shirt scratches me, how my shirt
+scratches me!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Kneels, repeating</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Organist begins to play very softly,
+and the Choir straggle in and take their
+places</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Basso</span></p>
+
+<p>If you don’t keep on the key this morning,
+Miss Soprano, I shall go mad!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Soprano</span></p>
+
+<p>You have a wretched ear for music!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Chorus</span> [<i>tittering</i>]</p>
+
+<p>We are really as good as they, the conceited
+things!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Tenor</span></p>
+
+<p>This choir would go all to pieces if it were
+not for me. At least I must contrive to
+keep them thinking so.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Contralto</span></p>
+
+<p>Oh, the music, the music! Once a week at
+least I can sing to the organ. How glad I
+am—how glad I am to sing!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The laugh rings out again, and at the sound
+of it the Contralto smiles and hums over her
+part under her breath. No one else heeds</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter two Farmhands</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Farmhand</span></p>
+
+<p>I don’t really know what it is all about, but
+let us sit down.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Second Farmhand</span></p>
+
+<p>No more do I understand it; but it’s very
+respectable.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span></p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter a Worthy Citizen and his Wife, together
+with a Rich Bachelor. They talk as
+they walk up the aisle and become seated in
+the same pew</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Worthy Citizen</span> [<i>to the Rich Bachelor</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Our business is going well, friend, and not
+the less so because we show ourselves regularly
+in this House!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Rich Bachelor</span></p>
+
+<p>Yes, yes! And how fine it is to know that
+as we walk up here, everyone is looking and
+whispering, and wondering how much money
+we really have! [<i>He kneels and murmurs</i>]
+I hope dinner will be on time to-day.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>I will bow obsequiously to you, and perhaps
+you will lend me the money that will save me
+from eviction! I hope you are seated comfortably!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter the Old Maid</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Old Maid</span> [<i>hurrying primly to a front
+pew</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p>
+
+<p>Will the men look at me as I pass? Ah!
+There is no desire in their eyes. [<i>Kneels
+in her pew</i>] I am a-weary, blowing on cold
+ashes!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Ah! She was a wild one when I was a boy,
+the slut! The village never found her out,
+though!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter a Common Woman with her son, the
+village Idiot. They seat themselves mid-way
+down the aisle, in direct line with one
+of the gaunt windows, the sash of which is
+half open. During the scene which follows,
+the Idiot keeps staring at this window, where
+presently appears the Great God Pan. Pan
+it is who has been laughing, and he seats himself
+upon the sill, where he and the Idiot
+can see each other. They talk on terms of
+old intimacy, using many gestures, and are
+entirely oblivious to everything save each
+other. No one but the Idiot sees Pan or
+hears what he says, nor what the Idiot says
+to him. When the Idiot speaks to Pan, his
+language is intelligible. When he replies to
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span>his mother’s rebuke, he is able to make nothing
+but a terrible, meaningless sound in his
+throat. The Contralto, in the organ loft,
+seems to realize Pan is present, but she cannot
+see him. The tolling of the bell ceases,
+and the Minister, a smug young man in a
+white stock, walks briskly up the aisle, a
+Bible under his arm</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Ah! They can never begin without Me! I
+am the whole show, here! It is really a very
+desirable job, mine!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes to the platform, mounts the steps
+and, standing behind the reading-desk, half
+closes his eyes, stretching out his hands to
+the Congregation, who lean forward in
+prayer</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span> [<i>as though praying</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Lean forward uncomfortably now, all of you,
+and listen, or don’t listen, exactly as you like.
+But do steal a covert look at me, as I stand
+here in this picturesque and sanctified attitude.
+Here we are, gathered together in
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>this house, and I can’t think of a single
+original thing to say, try as I will. I am
+going to be very dull, I know, but it gives
+me a sort of pleasant sense of importance to
+be doing it, and it will be over in about an
+hour, and then we will all be at liberty to go
+our several ways. Amen!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>During the dialogue between Pan and the
+Idiot, the Minister and the congregation go
+on with the motions of the service</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span> [<i>to Pan</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Hello! Won’t you come in?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>It is warmer here in the sunlight.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>I will come out to you presently. Can you
+see the ocean from there?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>Yes. I was down upon the sands early this
+morning and saw....</p>
+
+<p>[<i>His voice is lost in the sound of the Congregation
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>singing, although the two are seen
+to go on talking unconcernedly. The Congregation
+has arisen and sings</i>]:</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Praise Gold from which all blessings flow,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Praise it ye creatures here below;</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Praise it all ye Heavenly Hosts,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Slave for gold till ye give up your ghosts!</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p>[<i>The Congregation resumes its seats</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>... and the leaves all caressed each
+other and laughed for love of it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>And did the south wind <i>never</i> come back?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>O yes! The south wind it was that played
+about the barren branches this very spring,
+coaxing the young leaves to come out again.
+She and the sun, you know, are lovers, and
+I will tell you a story about them, which a
+famous Greek historian, who was my good
+friend, wrote. You see it came about thus....
+[<i>Pan’s voice is drowned out by that
+of the Minister</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>We will now read the ninth selection of the
+psalter, page one hundred and twenty. The
+ninth selection.</p>
+
+<p>My son, forget not my law: but let thine
+heart keep my commandments.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>For length of days, and long life and peace,
+shall they add to thee.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Let not cunning and deceit forsake thee: bind
+them about thy neck; write them upon the
+tablets of thy heart.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>So shalt thou find favor and good understanding
+in the sight of man.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Trust in Gold with all thy heart; and lean
+not unto thine own understanding.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>In all ways acknowledge Gold, and it shall
+direct thy paths.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Be wise in thine own eyes; fear Good and
+depend on evil.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>It shall be health to thy navel and marrow
+to thy bones.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Honor Success with thy substance, and with
+the first fruits of all thine increase.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>So shall thy barrels be filled with plenty,
+and thy presses shall burst out with new
+wine.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Happy is the man that findeth cunning and
+getteth unscrupulous.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span></p>
+
+<p>For the merchandise of it is begotten of the
+merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof,
+fine gold.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>... And there they lay upon the bank
+of scented ferns, until her sister, the west
+wind, drew away the grey curtain of night,
+while Mrs. Aurora extinguished the stars,
+one by one, and raised her flaming shield
+against the eastern horizon!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>A lovely story, that! But who is Mrs. Aurora?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>A light lady of my acquaintance, much given
+to chariot-racing, I regret to say. A noisy
+party, not scrupling to awaken sleepers!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>Tell me about her.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>Some other day. Is not one story sufficient
+for one morning?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>Well, it was a beautiful story! I will repeat
+it to the rivulets on the hillside, that they
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>may babble it over, and have it memorized
+in time to tell it to the sea, when they shall
+reach it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>Hast seen those young robins yet—the ones
+of which I told you? Your tutoring would
+help them learn to fly. Be sure now that
+this afternoon you go....</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>We will now rise and unite as nearly as
+possible in singing hymn number five hundred
+and fifteen. Hymn number five hundred
+and fifteen.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span> [<i>sings</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">The Church’s one foundation</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">Has long been lost to sight,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">It now is the creation</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">Of greed, convention, fright.</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">From honest superstition,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">Full long we have been free,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">But still we must maintain</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">Re-spec-ta-bil-i-ty!</div>
+    </div>
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent26">Amen!</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span> [<i>clapping his hands loudly, and
+jumping up and down with glee at some suggestion
+of Pan’s</i>]</p>
+
+<p>That will be fine! And afterward, we will
+dance!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot’s Mother</span> [<i>shaking him by the
+shoulder</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Stop staring and mouthing at that window!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Idiot makes a terrible, inarticulate
+sound in reply to her. It is evident that he
+cannot talk to humans</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>The lesson for to-day will be found in the
+third verse of the thirty-second chapter of the
+book of Exodus. “And all the people brake
+off the golden earrings which were in their
+ears, and brought them unto Aaron. And
+he received them at their hand, and fashioned
+it with a graving tool, after he had
+made it a molten calf: and they said, these
+be thy Gods, O Israel....”</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span> [<i>together with Pan</i>]</p>
+
+<p>O joy! O joy!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot’s Mother</span> [<i>angry</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Shut up, can’t you! This is no place for
+such things!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Idiot repeats his inarticulate noise</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>As I was about to remark....</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Let us pray! Oh, darn it all! I have to
+make this prayer longer than the first! I
+have to talk on and on and on and on for
+twenty minutes. If I talk less, I’ll hear of
+it from the deacons. On and on and on and
+on! One eye on the clock, though both eyes
+appear shut! On and on! Is the time up
+yet? No! Two minutes more! On and
+on and on! Just filling the time with meaningless
+words. Ah! Time’s up!...
+and hear us as we say [<i>the Congregation
+joins him</i>] Our Father, who art a safe distance
+away in a hypothetical place called
+Heaven, give us this day our daily bread
+and all the other things we want: give us,
+give us, give us, give, give, give! Amen!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span> [<i>laughs loudly</i>]</p>
+
+<p>You have hit it right! The interesting
+things in life are the difficult ones—and to
+prove it, this very afternoon we will hang
+garlands on the guinea-pigs’ tails, shoe the
+snakes’ feet, and make a portrait of the
+wind!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>Won’t that be clever of us? And useful,
+too!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>The notices for the week are as follows. On
+Tuesday evening at half past seven, the
+Mothers’ Meeting will take place. It will
+be attended chiefly by old maids, as usual.
+Wednesday evening, the Missionary Society
+will meet in the chapel, as heretofore. Mr.
+O. Phool will speak about the vital necessity
+of neglecting our own slums entirely,
+and sending out a few more or less illiterate
+men and women to try and uproot the ancient
+philosophic religion of China. All are
+welcome. On Thursday evening the usual
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>bluff, very similar to this present one, will
+be held in the chapel. Our neighbor, the
+church in the next town, extends a well-calculated
+invitation to the members of this
+congregation to attend the unveiling of a
+perfectly ridiculous monument which they
+have erected in memory of the late Bishop
+of this diocese. They hope all of you will
+come and help make a good crowd. The
+Sunday morning Institution for Befogging
+the Minds of the Young will take place in
+the basement of this church immediately
+after this service. All are welcome to stay
+and gloat over it. You will now be fleeced
+of the usual money in the usual fashion. I
+hope you will all contribute generously. Inasmuch
+as my salary comes out of it, this is
+always a rather anxious and embarrassing
+time for me. So I will retire behind the
+desk and try to look unconscious.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Minister seats himself. The organ
+plays softly, and the Sexton, taking the plate
+from the communion table, passes it along
+the aisle. The Congregation speak as they
+drop in their offerings</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Ancient Woman</span></p>
+
+<p>My usual small bit. The show is worth it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister’s Wife</span></p>
+
+<p>My copper, for appearance sake. Oh, that
+roast of beef in the oven at home!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Land Agent</span></p>
+
+<p>Half a dollar, or they will think my business
+is failing!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Stingy!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Butcher</span></p>
+
+<p>A part of that overcharge, just in case.
+... it will ease my mind.</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Young Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>See what a dainty hand I have!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Second Young Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>I hope that he whom I love sees how generously
+I give!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Young Girl</span></p>
+
+<p>I had far rather buy a ribbon with it!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>turning from them with a critical
+air</i>]</p>
+
+<p>The eldest is not so attractive after all: she
+has a pimple on her chin!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Youth</span></p>
+
+<p>I will put in nothing, for my friend here is
+going to put in two coins, and if I make the
+motions of contributing, no one but the sexton
+will know....</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Second Youth contributes</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Third Youth</span></p>
+
+<p>I would not give this were it not that I still
+have enough to buy a drink with later!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Basso</span> [<i>to the Soprano, who apparently
+agrees with him</i>]</p>
+
+<p>We are lucky to escape that. They don’t
+pass the plate up here!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Contralto</span> [<i>to herself</i>]</p>
+
+<p>I will keep my little coin to drop in the
+poor-box as I go out.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Pan laughs and she smiles at him, not seeing,
+but only hearing him</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">First Farmhand</span></p>
+
+<p>It’s cruel to make us give up part of a hard-earned
+wage for this!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Rich Bachelor</span></p>
+
+<p>This gives me pride! I am sure no one else
+will give as much as I do!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Idiot repeats his inarticulate sound</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">His Mother</span></p>
+
+<p>Shut up! Don’t disgrace me just as I’m giving
+a decent bit of money to the plate!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Old Maid</span></p>
+
+<p>I will fumble with my purse as long as possible,
+that you may be obliged to stand near,
+man!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Ugh! There is a vile odor of peppermint
+about you. [<i>Turning away with the plate,
+and looking the coins over furtively</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Bah! A wretched collection! But see how
+magnificently I will march up the aisle
+with it!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Sexton retires</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>Yes, dear comrade, with pleasure! Here
+is a handful of fresh air for you! [<i>He
+makes a gesture of tossing. A breeze blows
+in</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>Thanks! I drink your health with it!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>Let us try to sing in the same time and
+key, the hymn number five hundred and
+twenty-four. Hymn number five hundred and
+twenty-four!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Congregation</span> [<i>sings</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">From Greenland’s icy mountains</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">To India’s coral strand,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Where Afric’s sunny fountains</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Roll down their golden sand,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">From every ancient city</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">From modern town or old,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">We hear the single cry of</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">“O let us work for gold!”</div>
+    </div>
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent26">Amen!</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Idiot</span></p>
+
+<p>I sing, I sing! [<i>Repeats his inarticulate
+sound</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">His Mother</span></p>
+
+<p>Be still, fool!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span></p>
+
+<p>I laugh! Ha! Ha!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Idiot and Pan laugh together</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span></p>
+
+<p>My text for to-day will be found in the third
+verse of the sixth chapter of St. Matthew:
+“Let not thy left hand know what thy
+right hand doeth.” I use this text because it
+is a popular one: one which we are all pretty
+well in sympathy with, and live by, conscientiously,
+rather than because it has anything
+so very much to do with my sermon. However,
+that is of little importance, for it
+is possible to twist any text into any desired
+meaning: indeed its breadth of meaning
+is dependent only upon the wit of the minister,
+and if I was quicker of wit, you would
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>not stand for what I would then wish to
+preach. Neither, my brethren, would I be
+here in this stupid little town: I’d be in
+a swell church in a big city, where the women
+would make me really valuable presents!
+Well, I suppose I’d better get back to the
+text, although, of course, it’s much more
+amusing to me to talk about myself. “Let
+not thy right hand know what thy left hand
+doeth!” Reflect, dear friends, on the beauty
+of that thought—on its practical common
+sense! We all know how desirable is the
+ability to fool ourselves, and how comparatively
+few of us have attained perfection in
+that art. But we can—if we strive earnestly—we
+can <i>all</i> acquire the habit of fooling
+ourselves part of the time: in other words,
+we can do one thing with one hand, and
+actually blind ourselves as to what we are
+doing with the other, even though it counteracts
+the first action entirely! We can
+beam kindly on our neighbor and lend him
+money at usury, and then give instructions to
+a secret partner to foreclose on that neighbor
+at the earliest opportunity. How simple.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>Yet the application of this great
+maxim—“Let not thy right hand know”—can
+be made even more simple and direct.
+We can, for example, shake hands with a
+man with our right hand, and abstract his
+watch with our left! In this case, plainly,
+our hands are doing exactly opposite things.
+Your innocent right hand, and your equally
+innocent left, are blameless because you have
+stood between them, obeying the precept of
+the great author of our text! Never, my
+friends, my brethren, never believe but that
+you can live in accordance with the teachings
+of the great prophets and, more especially,
+by the examples set forth in the book
+of books! Think not that all the examples
+set forth therein are too difficult for modern
+humanity to attain! It is not so, my brethren,
+it is not so! Did not David steal his
+neighbor’s wife? He did! And who was
+it got a vineyard by a false foreclosure, but
+his son? Can not this sort of thing be done
+to-day? It can, my brethren, it can, if you
+will but try hard enough! And many villainies
+beside, all of which you can justify,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span>if you will, by precedent in the book of
+books! Try it, my friends—try it, I beg
+of you. Strive earnestly, and you will find
+that you can do pretty nearly anything and
+get away with it, provided you come here
+regularly, and so, keep my job going for me.
+Remember, that if you are sufficiently orthodox,
+the Bible is infallible. Whether you
+live by the first half of it or by the second,
+is really of no importance to the church. You
+must simply acknowledge its infallibility, and
+then choose your half. I advise the older
+part. The Bible is infallible. You believe
+in it: therefore you are orthodox. The
+Bible is infallible, but it is contradictory. So
+is infallibility. Infallibly so! So perhaps
+contradiction is infallible.</p>
+
+<p>Now that I have given you a sermon
+which you did not feel obliged to listen to
+(in accordance with the terms of my contract)
+instead of what I would like to say, I
+will stop. If you really knew what I honestly
+believe, you would be astonished. But
+it is better for you to remain in ignorance,
+and better for me. Indeed, a slightly altered
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span>form of to-day’s text would fit me admirably.
+“Let not thy right mind know what thy
+wrong is doing, lest you go mad!” [<i>He
+closes his eyes and stretches out his hands</i>]
+And now one short prayer more. This is the
+last, thank fortune, and the least difficult.
+I’ll just say a word or two further. That
+will do. Amen!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Choir sings alone, the Congregation
+standing</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Choir</span> [<i>sings</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Praise to the leading social light,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">And to the rich sing praise:</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">But most of all let’s praise ourselves,</div>
+      <div class="verse indent2">No matter what our ways.</div>
+    </div>
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent26">Amen!</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p>[<i>Tune, dox. 566</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Minister</span> [<i>with outstretched hands</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Let us go to dinner! Amen!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The instant the Minister stops speaking,
+the Congregation begins to bustle out, most
+indecorously, all talking at once</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">Pan</span> [<i>above the din of talk</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Meet you at the door, comrade! Ha! ha!
+ha! ha! [<i>He leaps down and disappears</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The Idiot rushes off from his mother, unreproved.
+Gradually the crowd thins out,
+with characteristic action on the part of the
+named characters, until there is no one left
+except the Sexton, who is busy with the collection-plate,
+by the pulpit. A wait. Then,
+into the vivid patch of sunlight at the open
+door, there steps the ragged form of a
+Stranger. He is young, but bearded, and
+wears a voluminous cloak of rough material.
+He is bare-footed, bare-headed, and
+carries a long staff like a shepherd’s crook.
+The sun is vivid behind his golden head</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span> [<i>entering only as far as the
+doorsill</i>]</p>
+
+<p>What a fine place this is!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span> [<i>putting the collection money into
+his pocket and hurrying down the aisle in
+a fine rage at sight of the shabby intruder</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span></p>
+
+<p>Yes, a very fine and expensive building. But
+you will have to get out. I am closing up!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span> [<i>retreats a trifle before the
+rough gesture of the Sexton</i>]</p>
+
+<p>Closing so fine and large a house! Is it
+left empty, then?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>All the week. Why not?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span></p>
+
+<p>Empty all through the week! Then perhaps
+I can find lodging here!</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Ha! ha! <i>Lodging here</i>! Ho! ho! That’s
+a good one! [<i>They step out on to the porch,
+the Sexton pushing out the Stranger</i>] Lodging.
+Oh! ha! ha! Don’t you recognize this
+place, don’t you know what place this is?</p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span></p>
+
+<p>What strange place is it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span></p>
+
+<p class="charname"><span class="smcap">The Sexton</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, you idiot! It is the house of God!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He shuts the door with a bang, closing himself
+and the Stranger out. The key is heard
+to turn in the lock, raspingly</i>]</p>
+<br>
+<p class="center">CURTAIN</p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+<div class="tnote">
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_note">
+Transcriber’s Note:
+</h2>
+
+<p class="note">Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized.</p>
+
+<p class="note">Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice.</p>
+
+<p class="note">New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the public domain.</p>
+
+</div></div>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+
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+
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+[Project Gutenberg](https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for eBook [#78965](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/78965)