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diff --git a/78965-0.txt b/78965-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a5a873 --- /dev/null +++ b/78965-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1016 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 *** + + + + +ORTHODOXY + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR_ + + + ORTHODOXY + THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY + IN SEARCH OF ARCADY + + + + +ORTHODOXY + +_by_ NINA WILCOX PUTNAM + +[Illustration] + +NEW YORK +MITCHELL KENNERLEY +1914 + + + + +_To +J. H. H._ + + +COPYRIGHT 1914 BY +MITCHELL KENNERLEY + + + + +_CHARACTERS_ + + + THE SEXTON THE TENOR + THE ANCIENT WOMAN THE CONTRALTO + THE MINISTER’S WIFE THE CHORUS + THE LAND AGENT FIRST FARMHAND + THE AGENT’S WIFE SECOND FARMHAND + THE BUTCHER A WORTHY CITIZEN + THE BUTCHER’S WIFE THE RICH BACHELOR + FIRST GIRL THE OLD MAID + SECOND GIRL THE MINISTER + THIRD GIRL THE GREAT GOD PAN + FIRST YOUTH THE IDIOT + SECOND YOUTH THE IDIOT’S MOTHER + THIRD YOUTH THE CHOIR + THE BASSO THE ORGANIST + THE SOPRANO THE STRANGER + + + + +_Note_ + + +_It must be thoroughly realized that the characters of this play are +intended to give voice to their actual, private thought of the moment; +but are intended to do so in the usual tone and manner of polite +conventionality. Their gestures and voices must be those of people +under perfectly normal conditions, and everything done to stimulate +realization by the audience of the fact that it is the secret minds of +the characters which are being portrayed. They, the characters, are +simply saying what they are really thinking in the situation in which +they are presented, instead of employing the empty social forms which +we are accustomed to hearing people actually give voice to._ + + + + +AUTHOR’S PREFACE + + +There has always been a peculiar fascination for me in the realization +that while people were saying one thing, they were almost invariably +thinking another. In certain circumstances we all realize this to be +true, as in formal greetings and the expression of social amenities; +and we read through the convenient form with comparative ease. A +great deal of the time, however, we have to dodge about among the +deliberately misleading words used by those with whom we come in +contact, seeking here and there to find their real meaning, and this +is a confusing and tiring task: one of those vicarious expenditures of +energy of which the world has altogether too many. Words are themselves +pitfalls of misunderstanding. To each of us their meaning varies +slightly in all but the simplest forms, and even these may readily +be applied with totally different significance. As for the confusion +which intonation puts upon the spoken word, differentiating it from +the same word when written, and the mistaken interpretations resulting +therefrom, I need say nothing, as they are too widely acknowledged to +need further comment. Bergson, the eminent French philosopher, points +out that it is almost impossible really to convey anything through +so clumsy a medium as language: and the experiment of asking a group +of people to define the meaning of a simple word like “quite,” for +instance, will convince anyone of the truth of this. + +Now granting that under the best of circumstances it is difficult for +us to understand each other, why is it not indeed a wasteful thing +to expend good energy on further disguise of our own thoughts? It is +infinitely easier to be as direct as words permit, and the resulting +reaction upon one’s acquaintance is intensely interesting. + +However far we may be from this ideal of genuinely frank intercourse +between humans, if we possess the least curiosity about the actual +foundations upon which other people’s lives are grounded, we can never +cease from seeking to discover, or at least to guess, what is actually +passing in their minds as their lips move over some empty formula--even +when the formula is empty only from a familiarity which has brought it +into contempt, and could and should be full of most poignant meaning, +as in the case of the (omitted) sacred service in my play. + +For of all places in which to look for feeling which rings high, and +words holding true meaning, a church is the most likely. And yet it was +my childish observation of those who sat around me in the bare white +church to which my grandmother took me as a little girl, that inspired +my writing of what I hold to be in no way a sacrilegious play. In those +long hours when I sat in the red cushioned pew, my feet dangling over +its edge, quick with restrained energy, my eyes fixed upon the bit +of sky beyond the tall windows over the clergyman’s head; in those +long hours I knew that I was not thinking of the words I repeated so +mechanically; and by a thousand tokens I knew that _the others about me +were not doing so either_! In every way they betrayed themselves--there +was no ecstasy upon their faces, they were infinitely more conscious +of their neighbors’ clothes than of the minister’s words. For years +I watched them, these smug, comfortable congregations, who had no +conception of the wonder and stupendous import of the service through +which they sat so calmly, and hastened forth from, with gossip hot +upon their lips. And then the notion came to me to write out all that +I guessed to be the truth about them. All that I felt artistically +_certain_ was the truth: to put into the mouths of the congregation the +things I guessed they were thinking. I do not say that I _knew_ they +were thinking so, for a positive statement is a pitfall for truth. But +I guessed at it with that same conviction of having hit it right with +which one looks into the utterly bored face of a departing guest and +guesses that his “such a delightful time” means “I have had a hateful +time.” And so I have put down the service as I heard it with my every +instinct when I was a child: and as I guessed it with my mind as an +adult. + +I do not wish to convey, however, that I believe that there are no +really good people in churches. The _Contralto_, who hears the voice +of _Pan_, is a “good” woman, because she is real. Therefore she can +hear _Pan_. But like most real people she is frankly groping as far +as her religious feeling goes. She knows that it makes her happy to +sing, and to give her copper to the poor, and that both things pertain +to religion: she knows, too, that the voice of _Pan_, the earthly god +whose hoofs are pungent of meadow loam, and who speaks to the ears of +youth, and sets the good flesh a-tingle, can be heard in churches, and +that there is nothing incongruous in the fact: also she is sufficiently +well-balanced to hear him, but not to lose sanity, and so see him. +Alas! she is typical, I fear, of the minority, in which I have put her! + +I have intended no propaganda in the play, save that which you may +deduce from it yourself, if you so wish. Make your own interpretations +(as indeed you will without my telling you to). I have simply been +curious: and this is the result of my exploration. + + N. W. P. + + + + +Orthodoxy + +_A Play in One Act_ + +NINA WILCOX PUTNAM + + +_Scene: The interior of a church. The audience sees a half-section of +the building as though it had been cut lengthwise through the near +side of the centre aisle, leaving it intact and running parallel +with and immediately behind the footlights. As the entire width of +the aisle is shown, the platform with reading-desk and minister’s +seat stands complete beneath a sort of proscenium arch. Below the +reading-desk, upon which is an enormous Bible, and occupying the end of +the aisle-carpet, is the communion table, with mottled marble top and +hideous carved legs of walnut. Below this, and extending to the aisle, +are other pews with doors, facing the pulpit in the usual manner. The +woodwork is white-painted and the pews cushioned in crimson, while the +walls are stencilled in imitation of carved mouldings. Through the row +of long, undecorated windows at the rear the sun is shining gaily, and +a glimpse of blue sky and waving trees may be had. At the right is the +organ loft, shown sectionally, and beneath this is the entrance to +the church. At rise of curtain the Sexton is discovered tidying the +church with a last few touches: closing the doors of one or two pews, +making sure that there are hymn-books in the racks and finally giving +the contribution plate a brush with his pocket-handkerchief. He is a +dyspeptic-looking man of perhaps forty years of age, whose chin recedes +timidly into the enormous folds of a ready-made four-in-hand tie. His +ill-fitting frock coat hangs loosely, but for all that he has an air of +complacent self-importance. The church-bell is ringing._ + +THE SEXTON + +They will all look at me as they come in. I’m important on Sundays, +anyhow. What a sense of consequence it gives me to bustle about, +getting things ready! That’s what I get out of this job! The stipend is +nothing, the sentiment is nothing: but I put on these clothes and they +all look at me, whereas they would do nothing of the sort otherwise.... +Now I must go and stand by the door and show them to their seats, as +they arrive.... I wonder if the town-clerk will wear the shoes I made +for him! Confound him, I wish he would pay for them! + +[_He goes to the entrance door and opens it, letting in a patch of +sunlight and disclosing the steps of the building and a bit of view. +He takes up his stand just inside, facing the audience, and adjusts +his clothes self-consciously. A strange, wild laugh is heard, but the +Sexton seems not to hear it. Presently the Very Ancient Woman enters. +She is bent nearly double and walks with a stick. She is slightly +palsied and her thin, wrinkled face is clear and calm. She is the +very picture of ancient piety. The Sexton accompanies her, and each +principal who enters thereafter, to their pews, with a courtesy of +manner which utterly contradicts his language. Their manner is also a +contradiction to their words_] + +THE SEXTON + +Well, old crone! What a nuisance it is to have to assist your doddering +footsteps up the aisle every Sunday! + +THE ANCIENT WOMAN + +Thank goodness I am the first! Last Sunday the butcher’s wife got here +before me, and so I missed seeing her come in. But to-day I’ll miss no +one. + +THE SEXTON [_assisting her into a pew_] + +Old stupid! Tuck your skirt in, can’t you? + +THE ANCIENT WOMAN [_gazing around with an air of satisfaction_] + +This is fine! So much better than staying at home alone. I would not +miss it for worlds! + +[_The Minister’s Wife enters with two small girl children, one on +either hand. She exchanges a surreptitious bow with the Sexton and +hurries to a front pew_] + +THE MINISTER’S WIFE [_as she goes down the aisle_] + +Oh, I hope the roast will not burn while I am gone! That wretched +stove! My garter hurts. Shall I be able to adjust it, I wonder? +No! Some one might see: I shall have to sit in misery. The whole +congregation will watch me; but no matter how I act, they will talk +about it afterward.... If only the children will be quiet! I will pray +for that. [_She enters the pew and kneels, burying her face in her +hands, while the little girls sit staring about, round-eyed_] + +THE SEXTON [_returning to door_] + +Poor woman, what a silly face she has! + +[_Enter the Land Agent and his Wife_] + +THE LAND AGENT [_to the Sexton_] + +If this were the place to talk about such things I would tell you that +I am going to evict you to-morrow. + +THE SEXTON + +How you glare at me, sir! Positively, I am tempted to rob the plate in +order to pay you! + +THE AGENT’S WIFE + +I have on a new hat. + +[_The laugh rings out again, but no one heeds_] + +THE SEXTON [_smiling politely_] + +Here is your pew. I wish its floor would collapse and drop you both +through. + +THE AGENT’S WIFE + +I have on a new hat! [_She kneels and continues repeating the sentence +softly for a moment_] + +[_Enter the Butcher and his Wife_] + +THE BUTCHER + +Thank fortune, the All-pervading Power, if there really is any such, +cannot possibly know about that overcharge I made. He will only see +the fine waistcoat which I bought with it! + +THE BUTCHER’S WIFE + +How religious I look! It is so respectable to go to church with one’s +husband! + +THE ANCIENT WOMAN + +She has on her last summer’s gown! + +THE SEXTON [_to the butcher, genially_] + +I’ll beat you at pinochle yet, old man! + +[_Enter three Young Girls_] + +FIRST GIRL + +See my new hat, see my new hat! It has pink, pink roses upon it. + +SECOND GIRL + +Her hat is not any better than my shoes. Look at my shoes. + +THIRD GIRL + +He has not come as yet! + +THE SEXTON [_shows them a seat_] + +Here, you charming things! How plump the eldest is: I would like to +pinch her. + +THIRD GIRL [_kneeling_] + +How the sexton smells of pomade: he sickens me. When will my beloved +come! + +FIRST GIRL [_kneeling_] + +My new hat, see my new hat, see it, see it! + +SECOND GIRL [_kneeling_] + +My shoes, my shoes! They hurt, but see how white they are. + +[_The church fills more rapidly now, with a crowd of country folk. The +named Characters come in, forward, along the outer edge of the aisle. +The gallery begins to fill_] + +[_Enter two Youths_] + +THE SEXTON + +Louts! You can find your own places! + +THIRD GIRL + +It is he! Will he not look at me? + +FIRST YOUTH + +There is the grocer’s daughter. How she stares! I wish she would stop +it, for she makes me uneasy. Now if it were the young matron yonder, +who looked at me once with soft eyes.... + +SECOND YOUTH + +The grocer’s daughter will not look at me. Alas! + +[_Enter Third Youth_] + +THIRD YOUTH + +How my shirt scratches me, how my shirt scratches me! + +[_Kneels, repeating_] + +[_The Organist begins to play very softly, and the Choir straggle in +and take their places_] + +THE BASSO + +If you don’t keep on the key this morning, Miss Soprano, I shall go mad! + +THE SOPRANO + +You have a wretched ear for music! + +THE CHORUS [_tittering_] + +We are really as good as they, the conceited things! + +THE TENOR + +This choir would go all to pieces if it were not for me. At least I +must contrive to keep them thinking so. + +THE CONTRALTO + +Oh, the music, the music! Once a week at least I can sing to the organ. +How glad I am--how glad I am to sing! + +[_The laugh rings out again, and at the sound of it the Contralto +smiles and hums over her part under her breath. No one else heeds_] + +[_Enter two Farmhands_] + +FIRST FARMHAND + +I don’t really know what it is all about, but let us sit down. + +SECOND FARMHAND + +No more do I understand it; but it’s very respectable. + +[_Enter a Worthy Citizen and his Wife, together with a Rich Bachelor. +They talk as they walk up the aisle and become seated in the same pew_] + +THE WORTHY CITIZEN [_to the Rich Bachelor_] + +Our business is going well, friend, and not the less so because we show +ourselves regularly in this House! + +THE RICH BACHELOR + +Yes, yes! And how fine it is to know that as we walk up here, everyone +is looking and whispering, and wondering how much money we really have! +[_He kneels and murmurs_] I hope dinner will be on time to-day. + +THE SEXTON + +I will bow obsequiously to you, and perhaps you will lend me the money +that will save me from eviction! I hope you are seated comfortably! + +[_Enter the Old Maid_] + +THE OLD MAID [_hurrying primly to a front pew_] + +Will the men look at me as I pass? Ah! There is no desire in their +eyes. [_Kneels in her pew_] I am a-weary, blowing on cold ashes! + +THE SEXTON + +Ah! She was a wild one when I was a boy, the slut! The village never +found her out, though! + +[_Enter a Common Woman with her son, the village Idiot. They seat +themselves mid-way down the aisle, in direct line with one of the +gaunt windows, the sash of which is half open. During the scene which +follows, the Idiot keeps staring at this window, where presently +appears the Great God Pan. Pan it is who has been laughing, and he +seats himself upon the sill, where he and the Idiot can see each other. +They talk on terms of old intimacy, using many gestures, and are +entirely oblivious to everything save each other. No one but the Idiot +sees Pan or hears what he says, nor what the Idiot says to him. When +the Idiot speaks to Pan, his language is intelligible. When he replies +to his mother’s rebuke, he is able to make nothing but a terrible, +meaningless sound in his throat. The Contralto, in the organ loft, +seems to realize Pan is present, but she cannot see him. The tolling of +the bell ceases, and the Minister, a smug young man in a white stock, +walks briskly up the aisle, a Bible under his arm_] + +THE MINISTER + +Ah! They can never begin without Me! I am the whole show, here! It is +really a very desirable job, mine! + +[_He goes to the platform, mounts the steps and, standing behind the +reading-desk, half closes his eyes, stretching out his hands to the +Congregation, who lean forward in prayer_] + +THE MINISTER [_as though praying_] + +Lean forward uncomfortably now, all of you, and listen, or don’t +listen, exactly as you like. But do steal a covert look at me, as +I stand here in this picturesque and sanctified attitude. Here we +are, gathered together in this house, and I can’t think of a single +original thing to say, try as I will. I am going to be very dull, I +know, but it gives me a sort of pleasant sense of importance to be +doing it, and it will be over in about an hour, and then we will all be +at liberty to go our several ways. Amen! + +[_During the dialogue between Pan and the Idiot, the Minister and the +congregation go on with the motions of the service_] + +THE IDIOT [_to Pan_] + +Hello! Won’t you come in? + +PAN + +It is warmer here in the sunlight. + +THE IDIOT + +I will come out to you presently. Can you see the ocean from there? + +PAN + +Yes. I was down upon the sands early this morning and saw.... + +[_His voice is lost in the sound of the Congregation singing, although +the two are seen to go on talking unconcernedly. The Congregation has +arisen and sings_]: + + Praise Gold from which all blessings flow, + Praise it ye creatures here below; + Praise it all ye Heavenly Hosts, + Slave for gold till ye give up your ghosts! + +[_The Congregation resumes its seats_] + +PAN + +... and the leaves all caressed each other and laughed for love of it! + +THE IDIOT + +And did the south wind _never_ come back? + +PAN + +O yes! The south wind it was that played about the barren branches +this very spring, coaxing the young leaves to come out again. She and +the sun, you know, are lovers, and I will tell you a story about them, +which a famous Greek historian, who was my good friend, wrote. You see +it came about thus.... [_Pan’s voice is drowned out by that of the +Minister_] + +THE MINISTER + +We will now read the ninth selection of the psalter, page one hundred +and twenty. The ninth selection. + +My son, forget not my law: but let thine heart keep my commandments. + +THE CONGREGATION + +For length of days, and long life and peace, shall they add to thee. + +THE MINISTER + +Let not cunning and deceit forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; +write them upon the tablets of thy heart. + +THE CONGREGATION + +So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of man. + +THE MINISTER + +Trust in Gold with all thy heart; and lean not unto thine own +understanding. + +THE CONGREGATION + +In all ways acknowledge Gold, and it shall direct thy paths. + +THE MINISTER + +Be wise in thine own eyes; fear Good and depend on evil. + +THE CONGREGATION + +It shall be health to thy navel and marrow to thy bones. + +THE MINISTER + +Honor Success with thy substance, and with the first fruits of all +thine increase. + +THE CONGREGATION + +So shall thy barrels be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst +out with new wine. + +THE MINISTER + +Happy is the man that findeth cunning and getteth unscrupulous. + +THE CONGREGATION + +For the merchandise of it is begotten of the merchandise of silver, and +the gain thereof, fine gold. + +PAN + +... And there they lay upon the bank of scented ferns, until her +sister, the west wind, drew away the grey curtain of night, while Mrs. +Aurora extinguished the stars, one by one, and raised her flaming +shield against the eastern horizon! + +THE IDIOT + +A lovely story, that! But who is Mrs. Aurora? + +PAN + +A light lady of my acquaintance, much given to chariot-racing, I regret +to say. A noisy party, not scrupling to awaken sleepers! + +THE IDIOT + +Tell me about her. + +PAN + +Some other day. Is not one story sufficient for one morning? + +THE IDIOT + +Well, it was a beautiful story! I will repeat it to the rivulets on the +hillside, that they may babble it over, and have it memorized in time +to tell it to the sea, when they shall reach it! + +PAN + +Hast seen those young robins yet--the ones of which I told you? Your +tutoring would help them learn to fly. Be sure now that this afternoon +you go.... + +THE MINISTER + +We will now rise and unite as nearly as possible in singing hymn number +five hundred and fifteen. Hymn number five hundred and fifteen. + +THE CONGREGATION [_sings_] + + The Church’s one foundation + Has long been lost to sight, + It now is the creation + Of greed, convention, fright. + From honest superstition, + Full long we have been free, + But still we must maintain + Re-spec-ta-bil-i-ty! + + Amen! + +THE IDIOT [_clapping his hands loudly, and jumping up and down with +glee at some suggestion of Pan’s_] + +That will be fine! And afterward, we will dance! + +THE IDIOT’S MOTHER [_shaking him by the shoulder_] + +Stop staring and mouthing at that window! + +[_The Idiot makes a terrible, inarticulate sound in reply to her. It is +evident that he cannot talk to humans_] + +THE MINISTER + +The lesson for to-day will be found in the third verse of the +thirty-second chapter of the book of Exodus. “And all the people brake +off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto +Aaron. And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a +graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, these +be thy Gods, O Israel....” + +THE IDIOT [_together with Pan_] + +O joy! O joy! + +THE IDIOT’S MOTHER [_angry_] + +Shut up, can’t you! This is no place for such things! + +[_The Idiot repeats his inarticulate noise_] + +PAN + +As I was about to remark.... + +THE MINISTER + +Let us pray! Oh, darn it all! I have to make this prayer longer than +the first! I have to talk on and on and on and on for twenty minutes. +If I talk less, I’ll hear of it from the deacons. On and on and on and +on! One eye on the clock, though both eyes appear shut! On and on! Is +the time up yet? No! Two minutes more! On and on and on! Just filling +the time with meaningless words. Ah! Time’s up!... and hear us as we +say [_the Congregation joins him_] Our Father, who art a safe distance +away in a hypothetical place called Heaven, give us this day our daily +bread and all the other things we want: give us, give us, give us, +give, give, give! Amen! + +PAN [_laughs loudly_] + +You have hit it right! The interesting things in life are the difficult +ones--and to prove it, this very afternoon we will hang garlands on the +guinea-pigs’ tails, shoe the snakes’ feet, and make a portrait of the +wind! + +THE IDIOT + +Won’t that be clever of us? And useful, too! + +THE MINISTER + +The notices for the week are as follows. On Tuesday evening at half +past seven, the Mothers’ Meeting will take place. It will be attended +chiefly by old maids, as usual. Wednesday evening, the Missionary +Society will meet in the chapel, as heretofore. Mr. O. Phool will speak +about the vital necessity of neglecting our own slums entirely, and +sending out a few more or less illiterate men and women to try and +uproot the ancient philosophic religion of China. All are welcome. +On Thursday evening the usual bluff, very similar to this present +one, will be held in the chapel. Our neighbor, the church in the next +town, extends a well-calculated invitation to the members of this +congregation to attend the unveiling of a perfectly ridiculous monument +which they have erected in memory of the late Bishop of this diocese. +They hope all of you will come and help make a good crowd. The Sunday +morning Institution for Befogging the Minds of the Young will take +place in the basement of this church immediately after this service. +All are welcome to stay and gloat over it. You will now be fleeced of +the usual money in the usual fashion. I hope you will all contribute +generously. Inasmuch as my salary comes out of it, this is always a +rather anxious and embarrassing time for me. So I will retire behind +the desk and try to look unconscious. + +[_The Minister seats himself. The organ plays softly, and the Sexton, +taking the plate from the communion table, passes it along the aisle. +The Congregation speak as they drop in their offerings_] + +THE ANCIENT WOMAN + +My usual small bit. The show is worth it! + +THE MINISTER’S WIFE + +My copper, for appearance sake. Oh, that roast of beef in the oven at +home! + +THE LAND AGENT + +Half a dollar, or they will think my business is failing! + +THE SEXTON + +Stingy! + +THE BUTCHER + +A part of that overcharge, just in case. ... it will ease my mind. + +FIRST YOUNG GIRL + +See what a dainty hand I have! + +SECOND YOUNG GIRL + +I hope that he whom I love sees how generously I give! + +THIRD YOUNG GIRL + +I had far rather buy a ribbon with it! + +THE SEXTON [_turning from them with a critical air_] + +The eldest is not so attractive after all: she has a pimple on her chin! + +FIRST YOUTH + +I will put in nothing, for my friend here is going to put in two coins, +and if I make the motions of contributing, no one but the sexton will +know.... + +[_Second Youth contributes_] + +THIRD YOUTH + +I would not give this were it not that I still have enough to buy a +drink with later! + +THE BASSO [_to the Soprano, who apparently agrees with him_] + +We are lucky to escape that. They don’t pass the plate up here! + +THE CONTRALTO [_to herself_] + +I will keep my little coin to drop in the poor-box as I go out. + +[_Pan laughs and she smiles at him, not seeing, but only hearing him_] + +FIRST FARMHAND + +It’s cruel to make us give up part of a hard-earned wage for this! + +THE RICH BACHELOR + +This gives me pride! I am sure no one else will give as much as I do! + +[_The Idiot repeats his inarticulate sound_] + +HIS MOTHER + +Shut up! Don’t disgrace me just as I’m giving a decent bit of money to +the plate! + +THE OLD MAID + +I will fumble with my purse as long as possible, that you may be +obliged to stand near, man! + +THE SEXTON + +Ugh! There is a vile odor of peppermint about you. [_Turning away with +the plate, and looking the coins over furtively_] + +Bah! A wretched collection! But see how magnificently I will march up +the aisle with it! + +[_The Sexton retires_] + +PAN + +Yes, dear comrade, with pleasure! Here is a handful of fresh air for +you! [_He makes a gesture of tossing. A breeze blows in_] + +THE IDIOT + +Thanks! I drink your health with it! + +THE MINISTER + +Let us try to sing in the same time and key, the hymn number five +hundred and twenty-four. Hymn number five hundred and twenty-four! + +THE CONGREGATION [_sings_] + + From Greenland’s icy mountains + To India’s coral strand, + Where Afric’s sunny fountains + Roll down their golden sand, + From every ancient city + From modern town or old, + We hear the single cry of + “O let us work for gold!” + + Amen! + +THE IDIOT + +I sing, I sing! [_Repeats his inarticulate sound_] + +HIS MOTHER + +Be still, fool! + +PAN + +I laugh! Ha! Ha! + +[_The Idiot and Pan laugh together_] + +THE MINISTER + +My text for to-day will be found in the third verse of the sixth +chapter of St. Matthew: “Let not thy left hand know what thy right +hand doeth.” I use this text because it is a popular one: one which we +are all pretty well in sympathy with, and live by, conscientiously, +rather than because it has anything so very much to do with my sermon. +However, that is of little importance, for it is possible to twist +any text into any desired meaning: indeed its breadth of meaning is +dependent only upon the wit of the minister, and if I was quicker +of wit, you would not stand for what I would then wish to preach. +Neither, my brethren, would I be here in this stupid little town: +I’d be in a swell church in a big city, where the women would make +me really valuable presents! Well, I suppose I’d better get back to +the text, although, of course, it’s much more amusing to me to talk +about myself. “Let not thy right hand know what thy left hand doeth!” +Reflect, dear friends, on the beauty of that thought--on its practical +common sense! We all know how desirable is the ability to fool +ourselves, and how comparatively few of us have attained perfection +in that art. But we can--if we strive earnestly--we can _all_ acquire +the habit of fooling ourselves part of the time: in other words, we +can do one thing with one hand, and actually blind ourselves as to +what we are doing with the other, even though it counteracts the first +action entirely! We can beam kindly on our neighbor and lend him money +at usury, and then give instructions to a secret partner to foreclose +on that neighbor at the earliest opportunity. How simple. Yet the +application of this great maxim--“Let not thy right hand know”--can +be made even more simple and direct. We can, for example, shake hands +with a man with our right hand, and abstract his watch with our left! +In this case, plainly, our hands are doing exactly opposite things. +Your innocent right hand, and your equally innocent left, are blameless +because you have stood between them, obeying the precept of the great +author of our text! Never, my friends, my brethren, never believe +but that you can live in accordance with the teachings of the great +prophets and, more especially, by the examples set forth in the book +of books! Think not that all the examples set forth therein are too +difficult for modern humanity to attain! It is not so, my brethren, +it is not so! Did not David steal his neighbor’s wife? He did! And +who was it got a vineyard by a false foreclosure, but his son? Can +not this sort of thing be done to-day? It can, my brethren, it can, +if you will but try hard enough! And many villainies beside, all of +which you can justify, if you will, by precedent in the book of +books! Try it, my friends--try it, I beg of you. Strive earnestly, +and you will find that you can do pretty nearly anything and get away +with it, provided you come here regularly, and so, keep my job going +for me. Remember, that if you are sufficiently orthodox, the Bible is +infallible. Whether you live by the first half of it or by the second, +is really of no importance to the church. You must simply acknowledge +its infallibility, and then choose your half. I advise the older part. +The Bible is infallible. You believe in it: therefore you are orthodox. +The Bible is infallible, but it is contradictory. So is infallibility. +Infallibly so! So perhaps contradiction is infallible. + +Now that I have given you a sermon which you did not feel obliged to +listen to (in accordance with the terms of my contract) instead of what +I would like to say, I will stop. If you really knew what I honestly +believe, you would be astonished. But it is better for you to remain +in ignorance, and better for me. Indeed, a slightly altered form of +to-day’s text would fit me admirably. “Let not thy right mind know +what thy wrong is doing, lest you go mad!” [_He closes his eyes and +stretches out his hands_] And now one short prayer more. This is the +last, thank fortune, and the least difficult. I’ll just say a word or +two further. That will do. Amen! + +[_The Choir sings alone, the Congregation standing_] + +THE CHOIR [_sings_] + + Praise to the leading social light, + And to the rich sing praise: + But most of all let’s praise ourselves, + No matter what our ways. + + Amen! + +[_Tune, dox. 566_] + +THE MINISTER [_with outstretched hands_] + +Let us go to dinner! Amen! + +[_The instant the Minister stops speaking, the Congregation begins to +bustle out, most indecorously, all talking at once_] + +PAN [_above the din of talk_] + +Meet you at the door, comrade! Ha! ha! ha! ha! [_He leaps down and +disappears_] + +[_The Idiot rushes off from his mother, unreproved. Gradually the +crowd thins out, with characteristic action on the part of the named +characters, until there is no one left except the Sexton, who is busy +with the collection-plate, by the pulpit. A wait. Then, into the vivid +patch of sunlight at the open door, there steps the ragged form of a +Stranger. He is young, but bearded, and wears a voluminous cloak of +rough material. He is bare-footed, bare-headed, and carries a long +staff like a shepherd’s crook. The sun is vivid behind his golden head_] + + +THE STRANGER [_entering only as far as the doorsill_] + +What a fine place this is! + + +THE SEXTON [_putting the collection money into his pocket and hurrying +down the aisle in a fine rage at sight of the shabby intruder_] + +Yes, a very fine and expensive building. But you will have to get out. +I am closing up! + +THE STRANGER [_retreats a trifle before the rough gesture of the +Sexton_] + +Closing so fine and large a house! Is it left empty, then? + +THE SEXTON + +All the week. Why not? + +THE STRANGER + +Empty all through the week! Then perhaps I can find lodging here! + +THE SEXTON + +Ha! ha! _Lodging here_! Ho! ho! That’s a good one! [_They step out on +to the porch, the Sexton pushing out the Stranger_] Lodging. Oh! ha! +ha! Don’t you recognize this place, don’t you know what place this is? + +THE STRANGER + +What strange place is it? + +THE SEXTON + +Why, you idiot! It is the house of God! + +[_He shuts the door with a bang, closing himself and the Stranger out. +The key is heard to turn in the lock, raspingly_] + + +CURTAIN + + + + +Transcriber’s Note: + +- Text that was in italics is enclosed by underscores (_italics_). + +- Text that was in small caps is in all caps (SMALL CAPS). + +- Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized. + +- Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. + +- New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the +public domain. +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78965 *** |