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diff --git a/78606-0.txt b/78606-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c6cf64b --- /dev/null +++ b/78606-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,764 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78606 *** + + + + + SAY IT WITH BRICKS + BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM + + + + + SAY IT WITH OIL + BY RING W. LARDNER + + + + + _Say It With Bricks_ + A FEW REMARKS ABOUT HUSBANDS + + BY + _Nina Wilcox Putnam_ + + _Author of “Laughter Limited,” “West Broadway,” “Tomorrow We Diet,” + etc._ + + +[Illustration: NEW YORK] + + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + _Copyright, 1923, + By George H. Doran Company_ + +[Illustration] + + + COPYRIGHT, 1922, + BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + + SAY IT WITH BRICKS. II + + PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + _To_ + + JOHN M. SIDDALL + + _Who suggested the idea, I dedicate + my half of this ½ portion book, + With best regards_ + N. W. P. + + + + + _Say It with Bricks_ + + +My Publisher is a nice man, but he has got a way of asking a person that +they should write him pieces about impossible things. And you say why, +no, I can’t do that, and then he will pass some remarks such as oh, +shucks or something, and the next thing a author knows why they are down +in print to the effect he wants them to be. + +That is how I come to refuse to write anything about husbands, because +one day this Publisher says to me why not write what you think about +husbands and I says because it couldn’t be printed. And he says well I +will pay cash for the piece. And I says that is certainly an awful +temptation to any woman, being asked not alone to tell what is on her +mind about husbands, but offering to pay her for doing it, but no, I +don’t think I had better, it wouldn’t be delicate. + +And then I stopped talking so’s he could get a chance to urge me but he +merely sat, and so after a while I thought, well, I had not ought to let +the conversation drag like that, it is not polite, and so I says well, +having had two husbands and been a widow in the meantime, I suppose I am +unusually competent to tell about them. But all he says to that is, I +don’t want I should urge you against your will. And then I seen my +chance slipping, so I says well I might leave out that part about what I +think of husbands and make a few remarks merely about what I _know_ +about them and he says, well try what you can do. And I says, oh dear, I +don’t think I have anything to say about husbands, and he says all +right, I’m sorry. + +So I went home and I met my husband in the hall and he was looking +through the bills that the postman had left, the old ones with the dust +on them as well as the nice clean new ones; I suppose he was trying +could he by luck find something readable. And I says hello George what +do you think, I got a job to write a piece about husbands, and he says, +well, if you do I will break your neck. + +Well after that I guess you can figure out for yourself what I at once +thought, and that I suddenly found I had several things to say about +husbands, after all. Or, if a husband yourself, why undoubtedly you will +know what was going on in what George calls his mind when he passed that +remark. So I will merely proceed and tell you about the talk I and he +had concerning why I should not write this story, and how I come to +refuse to do it. + +Well, when George says that about my neck, and so forth, I come back at +him with, since when are you telling me what I am to write? And he says +I should think some things was sacred, and I says, do you actually +believe there is anything sacred about the things you are afraid I will +tell on you? And he says well, husbands is a outrageous subject, and +then I says yeh, you said a mouthful. And then he says well, I forbid +you to write it, anyways. + +And believe you me that is where George pulled a boner, because of +course that decided me, and I made up my mind I wanted to write it, and +that I would do so only for being fond of my neck and having already +told my Publisher I would not. But I says to George how do you get that +forbid stuff? and he says in the marriage ceremony, didn’t you promise +to love, honor, and obey? And I says I did not, Gorgeous, not at my 2d +marriage, which was to you, on account I had already been stung that way +once. And George didn’t have any comeback to that because, come to think +of it, that was the truth. Which only goes to prove how much clearer +women remembers their marriages than men do. + + +Well, they generally have more cause to on account husbands go out in +the morning and leave marriage behind them for the whole entire day, +that is unless they are the kind comes home for lunch. But as a rule +they usually outgrow home-lunches after about the 1st yr., and coming +home to lunch is one of the few bad habits a wife can cure after +marriage. Other bad habits such as gambling, drinking, and preferring +toothpicks to any other form of dessert, why if he has these habits +while still a man, it is likely they will not get better when he has +become merely a husband, and you know the old saying about no man will +reform after marriage if he won’t before and I always say, well why +would he. + +Well anyways I had it on George, see, because of me having been married +1 time before, and I knew enough to leave that obey stuff out the 2d +time and other items as well. And what is further, a 1st husband is a +great weapon and every married woman should have one, because no matter +what he was like when living, if no longer so, you can always hold him +up as a sample. No matter what George does, why I am in the position to +say, well Joe never did. So my advice to young girls is always have a +1st husband somewhere in your past, even if you have to invent him, then +you can pull the Tom-never-acted-like-that stuff, and even though your +husband will say, no, thank heaven, I am not such a dumb-bell, or maybe +let on like he thought you was exaggerating a good deal, why, you can at +least have the comfort of kidding yourself that maybe life would of been +sweeter with Tom if only I hadn’t made this terrible mistake, and ect. + +Now there are quite a few things all husbands have in common and believe +me common is just what I mean. I don’t know how they get that way unless +it’s an infection, but going around the room with a shirt on and a neck +band with one collar button fastened in front and one sticking out +behind but as yet no collar to justify it, is common indeed to all of +them, and in the mind of any wife living, should constitute grounds for +divorce. I don’t know just what is wrong about a husband with no collar +but a adams-apple working where a necktie ought to be, but something is. +It ought to be stopped by law. + +Another outrage that we wives have to endure is the license husbands get +to tell the same story in our presence as many times as he can find a +victim who has either never heard this story, see, or is too polite to +admit that he has when he finds out how anxious George is to tell it. +And not alone are we wives expected to listen for the thousandth time +without protest, but we are actually expected to lead up to this story +when in company, of our own free will, and give him the chance to tell +it, and what is even stranger, we do. + +We wives also suffer a lot from teethbrushing, and if somebody would +only invent a silencer for husband’s tooth brushes they would confer a +big favor on humanity. And to see the ideal of our girlhood days who we +had only considered as perpetually wearing a dress suit, come wandering +out of the bathroom in a undershirt, suspenders draped gracefully over +both hips, a face like a soap-bubble-party gone wrong, waving a razor +and passing some remark about hey listen, whatter you think I told that +old cheese of a manager of ours to-day, well, a thing like that is a +terrible blow to love’s young dream. In fact it is generally sufficient +of a blow to knock said dream for a goal, and yet a person has to endure +it year after year and smile and say nothing except maybe “What, dear?” +or something. + + +Of course, if George was ever to stop doing it I would have a fit and +commence to think there was another woman, and be as completely, +comfortably miserable as only a wife can be when she has nothing else to +do. But just the same it is grounds for complaint. + +Then on the other hand I will admit that husbands is got their good +points. For a sample, if you got to help them push their old jokes out +of the garage in public, they will in turn back up any brag that their +wife pulls about what rent we pay or the big salaried position that he +turned down when it was almost offered to him, and ect., and even once +in a while he will confirm something you say you done yourself, such as +making the cake you bought at the woman’s exchange and brought it to the +picnic, for any human wife will fall for a little white lie like that +once in a while. The only trouble is, that a wife is never sure will he +really back her up, or will he say, why, Nina Putnam, that dress ain’t +imported, it’s the one you made me come across with the seventeen-fifty +for, over on Forty-second Street, don’t you remember? And if it should +happen to be one of them days with him, why there is no use pretending +you can’t remember, because he will hound you until you do. + +However, husbands are temperamental and the very next day they will back +you up when you least expect it, even to the extent of speaking to the +cook about the condition of the ice box, and it is these precious +moments keeps us chained to them. + +Husbands’ memories is notedly strong on things like the kind of a cook +his mother was, what he went around the last nine holes in, the exact +raise of salary he needs, and the only time you had one cocktail too +many. But they have a blind spot in their minds when it comes to +anniversaries, mailing letters, and promises to get around more in the +evenings to shows and things like we used to when we was engaged. It’s +no sooner promised than forgotten, with them, but they will hound you to +death over a little thing like a button on a shirt, which you have +overlooked a few times on account of having different things on your +mind such as trying to match that difficult dress sample of Elephant +Blue, or your regular Bridge Thursday. + +Women have so many more things to think of than men do, what with the +Eternal Question of what’ll we eat, and can I trust that new Maggie with +the baby while I run downtown or must I take him over to Mommer’s, and +numerous other details, that it’s a wonder we ever get around to holes +in socks or bawling out the laundry because the only decent dress-shirt +collar out of six—mind you, Nina, the only one that was really any +good—has been chewed at the edges so’s it fits around the neck like a +hack-saw. + +Of course I realize that all the above type of beautiful domestic +detail, which is part of every true woman’s sacred homelife, is +extremely elevating. In fact I have frequently found it so elevating +that I have went right up in the air about it. But programs of that sort +are what any husband expects his wife will gratefully accept, and it’s +the truth she is generally able to discount it, learn to get a little +pleasure out of crabbing about it, and would not give it up for the +world, because then she would have to commence and look around for some +new thing to holler over. One good point about husbands is that they +provide all the subjects for those w. k. female brand of talks +commencing, well I don’t believe in discussing my private affairs with +anybody, but I _will_ say that George, and ect. + +Other good things about husbands is that they are certainly useful for +closing trunks and opening bottles. Also they are good practice for +ladies intending to enter the diplomatic service, which some of us some +day undoubtedly will, now that we have got the vote, and any woman who +has put in a few years managing an average husband will be able to take +a foreign diplomat’s job, and these astute Mike O’Valleys they got over +in them foreign countries, why, they will be a mere child in our hands. + + +Well, if I was to write a story on husbands, one thing I would certainly +do over George’s dead body if necessary is show up a few of the things +husbands have been getting credit for these many years, when all the +credit belonging to them in these respects could be written on a pl. +remit notice. And the first of these false-fronts that they have been +putting up is that a woman is never ready on time and a husband is +always champing at the leash with his watch in one paw hollering out +remarks about the first act or the last train or something, while his +better half is making herself look as much better as she knows how and +taking not alone her own time about it, but everybody else’s time as +well. + +Now where every husband I have had is concerned, it is enough to say, +dinner is ready, dear, for him to beat it in the opposite direction from +the dining-room to wash his hands and comb his hair and peer at his +collar, and feel does he need a shave and this is especially true if we +have a omelet or pea soup. Even then he will not take the blame, but try +to hold the cook responsible for the fact that the omelet has fell and +he was not there with the old field work, or that the pea soup is all +right, only now being cold all it needs is a little wall paper and a +brush to go with it. On time? The only thing a typical husband is ever +on time for is his own funeral and that generally occurs too late to be +of any good to his widow. + +More husbands has caused the missing of a first act by forgetting the +tickets than wives has caused the same thing through faults of her own. +And if a wife is not dressed on time for the seven-forty-five car into +town, it is usually because she has got a sudden hole in her silk ones, +or she didn’t get time to curl her hair before dinner on account of that +dreadful Mrs. Hoosis staying so late, or she was cutting out a new pair +of rompers and forgot to stop in time, or some real, genuine reason like +that. + +And as for delaying auto rides, well, it’s a lucky thing I decided _not_ +to write any article telling about husbands, because of the mouthful I +could say on this subject alone, or in company either! The times I have +sat in the car and waited while George took up the hood and looked +earnestly at the engine for a long time, until the engine stared him out +of countenance and he put the hood down again without doing anything +else, but with the eternal hope I would be impressed! Then again the +sitting I have done while he filled the radiator and looked to see did +we need any gas, and made me get up so’s he could get a screw driver out +of the tool box under the seat, and then decide he didn’t need the screw +driver after all, and make me get up again so’s he could put it back! I +have waited while he give the oil gauge a good manicure and cursed when +he discovered he done it with his handkerchief by mistake and gone back +in the house for a clean one, and then decided maybe he would just run +in and get a sweater in case it got cold before we come home. + + +And then, after all those brands of delay, George will get in the +driver’s seat and say, well, we are going to be late, I don’t see why +you couldn’t of been ready on time, and I will say nothing. That is, +nothing except a few words about why don’t you take care of the car in +advance, it is your province, or am I expected to do it as well as all +the housekeeping, because if you say so, I will, and then there won’t be +no delay, and it’s a man’s job, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. +Just merely a few things like that, because I don’t believe in starting +out on a trip sore at each other. + +As for the times I have sat outside of some office when George has said +I want to run in here on business I won’t be a minute, well, I’ll tell +the world he said a mouthful, because he never is a minute, he is an +hour as a general thing. And another time I have waited for a husband is +when he said he would be home early to-night, dear, but he had to work +overtime at the office, after all. + +Well, if I was to write this book I am telling you about, why, those are +a few things I would mention right here, and another bluff about men +which I would dynamite, is about how strong they are. + +Somehow the idea has got around, probably circulated by men, that men +are stronger than women. Well, some of them are strong all right, I +personally myself know one man and he was so strong he captured a wild +packing box on its native hearth, and sat on it to tame it while his +wife took in washing on _her_ native hearth and worked at it for twelve +hours a day. I also know another strong husband who used to clerk in a +drug store, and come home at night all wore out from wrapping up the big +husky gumdrops they carried, to find his wife cheerful and refreshed +from her nice homey day, where she hadn’t a thing to do except the +housework and the marketing and the washing, and a few little things +like that, when she was perfectly free to spend her evening sewing for +the kids. In a coupla years this husband strained his imagination +lifting a package of absorbent cotton and had to retire for life; but +she, being a weak woman, merely took on a little stenography and they +get along pretty good. + + +So I always claim you can’t tell a sturdy oak from a clinging vine until +they start to grow, and then, on the other hand there is George and his +threat about breaking my neck, and he is perfectly capable of doing it +with one hand, as I know, on account I have seen him open a box of shoe +polish with a single gesture, and after an exhibition of strength like +that, why, I don’t care to take any chance, which is why I couldn’t very +well write this book that he objected to. + +But it does seem a pity, though, for me not to be free to write it +because there are several good things I would like to be able to call +attention to about husbands, and I would put them into the story, and +one of them would be how a husband makes a person feel safe going out +with him, nights, and how they are real handy when you need a little +change. I mean both in the money sense and when you want to get away +from where you are. + +Husbands is also a great comfort in a lonely house at night, and the +superstition about they will chase burglars has reached such a popular +point that old maids frequently keep a male hat or two parked on the +rack in the hall, hoping all burglars will enter by the front door, see +the hats and be so scared they will beat it at once. But these old +maids, why they do it in their innocence on account they have no real +experience. And anyone on the inside knows that a genuine husband, if +his attention is called to some noise, will merely pull the blanket +further up over his head and say oh, nonsense, it is only that darn cat +again, how many times have I got to get up at night and stalk that +animal. Still, it is better to have a husband in the house than a mere +hat, because then if the burglar does come, at least you can die +together, or maybe it will be only the husband that will get injured. + +Another thing I would love to discuss on the subject of husbands and why +they are that way, is mothers-in-law of both sexes. Few people is lucky +enough to marry orphans, and a mother-in-law on one side of the family +is a element in almost any marriage. And believe you me, a husband’s +mother has got it on a wife’s mother, and when she comes to visit she +may be as nice as nature allows in such trying circumstances, but she +has a far more eagle-eye on the way you run things for her boy than your +mother ever has on friend husband and the way he is treating you. And +this is because his mother always has a you-stole-him-from-me-hussy! +feeling toward you, while your own mommer, no matter how she may pick on +him as a provider and she usually does, though in a nice way, well, she +always has a dash of thank-heaven-you-took-her-off-my-hands in her +manner. Which naturally makes him more so than ever, if you get me. + + +Now I have give a lot of serious thought to marriage, and if I was ever +to write a piece about it, I would admit that, honest, there is +something funny about marriage. I mean funny in the most serious sense. +There is something about marriage does funny things to people once they +get into it. I mean funny things such as being nasty to each other, and +cruel, sometimes, and even unfair. It takes a nice, snappy-dressed young +chap that is crazy about going to the pictures and is a regular +spendthrift with ice-cream sodas, after, and plants him in the back +parlor with his vest unbuttoned, his face under a newspaper and his feet +under the lamp. It likewise grows curl papers and dressing sacks on +females that once took ’em off before he had a chance to see ’em. +Marriage goes even further. It runs up bills for groceries instead of +for taxis: it traps a person into having a bunch of kids that looked +fine on magazine covers when we was engaged, but now look best when +finally in bed and asleep. In fact, anybody who could write, could +holler on about marriage and husbands and what is wrong with them, with +all the violence of a Red Radical and with more truth by far, because +pretty near any complaint you can make about husbands and marriage would +be a true one. And only one thing about them has got me buffaloed. Would +I be willing to do without them? And the answer to that is “No.” + +Because for the life of me I can’t think of any better arrangement to +take the place of marriage, and neither have I seen anybody else of who +it was a true fact that they have found something just as good. These +free-love-radicals that you read about in the papers, why as a rule +their chief dread in life is that somebody will look up the marriage +records in their home town and expose to the world the horrid fact that +they are not living in sin after all, for somebody is always taking the +bull out of life, and leaving us face to face with the truth. And in +this case I guess we will have to reluctantly admit that marriage is the +best way to get rid of a troublesome suitor, of which we know as yet. + +Personally, I am for it, even after a coupla trys, and I got a feeling +that there is in marriage, something that a person might justifiably +call divine, and also a sneaking idea, which I naturally put out of my +head as quick as possible whenever it comes to me, and that idea is that +maybe there is nothing wrong with marriage itself, but that the trouble +is with the ones that goes into it. I have, as I mentioned, tried it +twice. Maybe it is like eating peanuts, you don’t know when to stop. But +then again it may be because of some holy thing that a woman can find in +a good husband. And if I was to write a book about husbands, I would +tell you what this is. And if I did, why then George _would_ break my +neck, and I don’t know that I would be able to blame him! + + + + + _Say It With Oil_ + A FEW REMARKS ABOUT WIVES + + + BY + + _Ring W. Lardner_ + + _Author of “You Know Me, Al,” “Gullible’s Travels,” “The Big Town,” + etc._ + + +[Illustration: NEW YORK] + + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + _Copyright, 1923, + By George H. Doran Company_ + +[Illustration] + + + COPYRIGHT, 1922, + BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + + SAY IT WITH OIL. II + + PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + _My ½ of this book + is dedicated to + whoever likes it better + than the other ½_ + R. W. L. + + + + + _Say It with Oil_ + + +My Publisher asked me would I write a book on my impressions in regards +to wives. + +“Well,” I says, “I have only got the one wife, and wile I admit she has +made quite an impression, still and all it seems to me like you ought to +get a hold of a husband with more experience.” + +So he says: + +“Yes, I know you have only got one yourself, but you must be acquainted +with a whole lot of them.” + +“I suppose I am,” I said, blushing furiously; “I guess I am personally +acquainted with practally every A-No. 1 wife around N. Y. City except +Nina Wilcox Putnam.” + +The Publisher jumped as if stang by a bee. + +“That is almost uncanny you mentioning her name,” he said. “She is the +lady who has wrote up a story in regards to husbands, and what I am +asking you to write is a kind of a reply to what she wrote. Because I +would not be loyal to my sex was I to print her scatheing arrangement of +the male gender and not give no space to our defense.” + +“All right,” I said; “but I can’t conduct no defense without knowing +what is the charges, so before I reply to her story I would better see +it first.” + +So he showed me the story, and I read it, and you can read it for +yourselfs as it is printed elsewheres in this book under the dainty _nom +de plume_ of “Say It With Bricks,” only I suppose the proof-readers has +kind of fixed it up since I seen it, as it struck me that the lady in +question has studied husbands at the expense of grammar and spelling. + +But before dealing with her story, and wile still cool, I would like to +state the cold facts which the gen. public is well aware of same, but +for one reason and another don’t care to confess it even to themselfs. +One fact is that a man defending husbands vs. wives, or men vs. women +has got about as much chance as a traffic policeman trying to stop a mad +dog by blowing 2 whistles. Another fact is that, with all the recent +jokeing about give us equal rights and etc. the wives has got the +husbands licked to a pulp and has had them licked for hundreds of yrs., +and same can be proved by consulting the works of any writer young or +old that touches on the subject. + +We will take for inst. the dictionary, and what does it say about a +husband? The 1st. definition is a husbandman, which don’t mean nothing. +The 2d. definition is a frugal person, an economist. The 3d. definition +is a man who has a wife. In other wds. Mr. Webster realized that his +book wouldn’t have no sale unless it tickled the women-folks, so before +he dast come out and say that a husband is a man with a wife, he had to +call him a tightwad. + +Now what is the definition of a wife? Well, he says she is the lawful +consort of a man, and it don’t require no Shylock Holmes to figure out +that what he meant to say, but was scared to say, was, _awful_ consort. + +Back toward the end of the same book you will run across the wd. +uxoricide which means the murder of a wife by her husband. But nowheres +in the book will you find a wd. that means the murder of a husband by a +wife. Unless it’s the wd. congratulations. + +In this connection it might be well to point out the fine bunch of equal +rights with which the happy pair embarks on the matrimonial seas. If +either one of them ain’t satisfied with the other, why they have got +equal rights to shoot. But if it’s the wife that gets bumped off, the +husband has got exclusive rights to a seat in the electric chair, or +strap hanging by his Adam’s apple, or spending the rest of his life in a +bird cage. If, however, the husband was the target, why the worst that +can happen to mother is that she will half to poll the jury with kisses, +which can’t be such a hardship even granting that statistics is accurate +and that 10 out of every 12 good men and true is kindly disposed toward +eating-tobacco. + +But to return to the writers, why you can’t find more than a couple of +them great or small but what has came out in print or in speeches before +the Rotary Club to the effect that their success and everybody else’s +was due to their wives or sweethearts. They know a whole lot better, but +don’t dast say so. The prominent exceptions to this rule is Francis +Bacon and Rudyard Kipling. Mr. Bacon made the remark that “he that hath +wife and children hath given hostages to fortune, for they are +impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.” And Mr. +Kipling wrote one about a good man married being a good man marred, and +another one to the effect that he travels the fastest who travels alone. + +Some nerve these two babies had, but where did it land them? Mr. Bacon +is quite dead and Mr. Kipling wasn’t even invited to Princess Mary’s +wedding. + +The writers of the present day has learnt better than take chances like +that, and you can’t read a story or tend the theatre now days without +getting a fresh sample of log rolling in favor of the squalling sex. +Like for inst. take the play “To the Ladies” where Marc Connelly and +Geo. Kaufman has their leading female character say a line something +like “No man that wasn’t married ever made a name for himself.” Well +they was a whole lot of us guys in the audience with our wives, and when +the line was sprang why we just kind of giggled and smirked as much as +to say “How true that is.” Where as if we had of dared to be nasty we +would of rose up on our legs and said “What about H. L. Mencken and Tris +Speaker and Geo. Ade?” + +Even the authors of the marriage ceremony has woke up to the situation +and agreed to rewrite same and fix themselfs right with the ladies by +leaving out the wd. obey. This is just another public recognition of how +bad we are licked. As a matter of fact the obey rule got obsolete along +about the same time as 1st. bounce is out. And another thing the boys is +going to eliminate is the giving of a woman in marriage, because the +gals don’t like to have it even hinted that anybody has got the right to +give them away like they was a cut glass gold fish bowl or a pen wipper. +So instead of “Who giveth this dame to this guy,” why from now on they +are going to can those lines and substitute a hymn or anthem which will +probably be some song like Oh, what a gal was Mary. + +So much for Man’s position in the Standing of the Clubs and the fat +chance I or any other male has got to defend ourself vs. attacks by Mrs. +Putnam or any other member of her lodge. But when I undertake to do a +job why I am one of these here heblooded Americans that never quits till +they are counted out which can’t possibly happen till I been in the +arena 10 seconds. In this case however I expect to last longer than that +for one little reason. The wife I have got don’t read my stuff. +Incidentally that just about describes her. But any way the knowledge +that she don’t read my stuff gives me courage to say a few wds. about +wives and what they are that I wouldn’t dast say if I thought she was +going to read it. + + +Well then here is some of my idears about wives as I have studied them +at home and abroad. + +Wives is people that thinks you ought to eat at 8 o’clock, one o’clock, +and 7 o’clock. If you express yourself as having an appetite for turkey +at midnight they think you are crazy. + +Wives is people that always wants to go home when you don’t and vice +versa. + +Wives is people that ain’t never satisfied as they are always too fat or +too thin. Of all the wives I ever talked to I never run acrost one yet +that was just right. + +Wives is people that thinks 2 ash trays should ought to be plenty for a +12 rm. house. + +Wives is people that asks you what time the 12:55 train gets to New +York. “At 1:37,” you tell them. “How do you know?” they ask. + +Wives is people that sets on the right side of the front seat in their +husband’s costly motor and when he turns down a street to the left they +tell him he ought to of kept straight ahead. + +They are people that you ask them to go to a ball game and they act +tickled to death. So along about the 7th. innings you look at them and +they are fast asleep and you remind them with a delicate punch in the +ribs that they are supposed to be excited. “Oh, yes,” they say. “I love +it.” So you ask them what is the score and they say “St. Louis is ahead, +ain’t they?” “Well,” you say, “I don’t know if St. Louis is ahead or +ain’t ahead, but the game you are watching is between Boston and New +York.” + +That reminds me of one time I took the little woman (I can’t always +remember her first name) to a game in old Chi and it was Cleveland vs. +the White Sox and it was a close game something like 2 to 1 in favor of +somebody and along come the 8th. innings, and Mother, which is how I +sometimes think of her, was sleeping pretty and all of a sudden they was +a big jam down around 1st. base between a citizen named Tris Speaker, +mentioned before in this article and now mentioned again, and Chick +Gandil of blessed memory. As they was taking the shirtless remains of +Chick off of the field I nudged Mamma in the jaw and said: “Did you see +that? It looked to me like Graney took a wallop at him for good +measure.” “Who is ahead?” says the little gal. + +Wives is people who you make an outlay of $50, so as they can set +somewheres in New Jersey during the so-called Dempsey-Carpentier fight +and when it is over, you meet them and ask them how they liked it and +they say Oh, they was thrilled. “Did you see that last punch?” you ask +them. “No,” they say. “I was watching Irma Goldberg.” Who of course is +worth watching even at $50. + + +They are people who you get invited out somewheres with them and you ask +them if they think you ought to shave and they say no, you look all +right. But when you get to wherever you are going they ask everybody to +please forgive Lute as he didn’t have time to shave. + +They are people that kid you because when the morning paper comes the +first thing you look at is the sporting sheet. You leave the paper home +and buy another one to read on the way downtown. When you get home that +evening, in trying to make conversation you remark that it was kind of +sad, the Kaiser’s wife dying in exile. “I didn’t know she was dead,” +says Ma. “Well,” you tell her, “it was in the morning paper.” “I didn’t +notice it,” she says. “It must of been on the front page.” + +They are people that never have nothing that is fit to wear. + +They are people that think when the telephone bell rings it is against +the law to not answer it. + +They are people whose watch is always a ¼ of a hr. off either one way or +the other. But they wouldn’t have no idear what time it was any way as +this daylight savings gets them all balled up. + +The above observations is made without resentment as I have no complaint +vs. wives in gen. or anybody’s wife in particular. Personly I get along +fine with whatever her name is and am perfectly satisfied with my home, +which I often call my castle. I also refer to it sometimes as jail, but +only in a joking way. + +But here I am in jail and supposed to be defending my sex vs. the +opponents and as I said before what a fat chance. However I promised the +old boy that I would answer Mrs. Putnam’s story, and a promise is a +promise especially when you get paid for it. + +So will point out in the beginning that Mrs. Putnam denies all through +her story that it is a story and she certainly hit the nail on the +hammer that time. What it reads like to me is pure fiction. Like for +inst. she gives you the impression that whenever she seen her husbands +before she married them, they always had on a dress suit. Well friends I +think you will find the fact is that when a kid is 16 or 17 yrs. of age +he gets a dress suit and by the time he is 19 yrs. of age he couldn’t +get it on with a shoe horn, and from that age to when he gets married he +don’t have no more dress suit than Robinson Crusoe and he wouldn’t never +have no more dress suit as long as he lived if she didn’t insist on him +joining the Rotarians. + +The lady’s complaint is that after being used to him in nothing but +dress suits wile he was doing the alleged courting, why it is a kind of +a blow to see him walking around the rm. in his shaving uniform with his +suspenders draped over his hips. In reply to that will say that the lady +shouldn’t ought to of had no trouble picking out a husband with +something on his hip besides suspenders. + + +Another complaint is how much noise a husband makes with his tooth +brush. Well if a man is at all musical they’s no instrument he won’t +attempt to play on and besides what good is brushing your teeth if you +are going to keep it a secret. + +And another complaint is that husbands prefers toothpicks to any other +form of dessert. I don’t think this is entirely fair because they’s some +desserts that you get in hotels and restaurants that a person would +really relish more than a toothpick, whereas they’s desserts that is +served in some private homes than whom a person would not only rather +have toothpicks but sulphur matches if necessary. + +The lady says it is husbands that is always delaying the game and when +they are told that dinner is ready, dear, why it is then and then only +that they start to wash their hands and brush their hair. Our reply to +that is that when the little woman says dinner is ready you can +generally always figure on anywheres from 10 minutes to a ½ hr. before +they’s anything on the table but flies. + +As for husbands causing the missing of the first act, judgeing from the +most of the plays I seen lately she should ought to be grateful for that +and if he is even slower and makes her miss the whole show she ought to +kiss him. + +Now then along toward the finish of her story the lady says something +which I will half to quote as it is such a pretty sentiment namely, “Any +complaint you can make about husbands and marriage would be a true one. +And only one thing about them (meaning husbands) has got me buffaloed. +Would I be willing to do without them? And the answer to that is ‘No.’” + +Well friends it is hard to bear ill will toward a writer that kind of +softens her tirade with such a neat little compliment as that and it +looks to me like it would be no more than gentlemanly on my part to +reply to same in kind. For inst. + +“Pretty near any complaint you make about wives, why it is true though +they will probably resent it. But I often ask myself the question could +I get along without them? And the answer to that is that I got along +without none for twenty-five yrs. and never felt better in my life. +Believe you me.” + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + + + + TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES + + + ● Fixed typos; non-standard spelling and dialect retained. + ● This is a novelty volume in which _Say It with Bricks_ occupies one + half, and when the book is flipped, _Say It with Oil_ begins (or + vice versa). + Accordingly, _Say It with Oil_ appears midway through the uploaded + material, complete with its own title page. + _Bricks_ is written by a woman about men, while _Oil_ is written by + a man about women. + ● Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78606 *** |