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author: www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org> 2026-05-05 09:29:33 -0700
committer: www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org> 2026-05-05 09:29:33 -0700
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+  <body>   
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78606 ***</div>
+
+
+<div class='tnotes covernote'>
+
+<p class='c000'><strong>Transcriber’s Note:</strong></p>
+
+<p class='c000'>New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the public domain.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class='chapter ph1'>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c001'>
+    <div>SAY IT WITH BRICKS</div>
+    <div><span class='xlarge'>BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM</span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class='chapter ph1'>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c001'>
+    <div>SAY IT WITH OIL</div>
+    <div><span class='xlarge'>BY RING W. LARDNER</span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class='titlepage'>
+
+<div>
+  <h1 class='c002'><cite>Say It With Bricks</cite><br> <span class='large'>A FEW REMARKS ABOUT HUSBANDS</span></h1>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c003'>
+    <div>BY</div>
+    <div><span class='xlarge'><i>Nina Wilcox Putnam</i></span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><i>Author of “Laughter Limited,” “West Broadway,” “Tomorrow We Diet,” etc.</i></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='c004 figcenter id001'>
+<img src='images/brickstitle.jpg' alt='NEW YORK' class='ig001'>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+  <div class='nf-center'>
+    <div>GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div><span class='small'><i>Copyright, 1923,</i></span></div>
+    <div><span class='small'><i>By George H. Doran Company</i></span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div  class='figcenter id002'>
+<img src='images/bricksverso.jpg' alt='' class='ig001'>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div><span class='small'>COPYRIGHT, 1922,</span></div>
+    <div><span class='small'>BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY</span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='small'>SAY IT WITH BRICKS. II</span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='small'>PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div><i>To</i></div>
+    <div class='c003'>JOHN M. SIDDALL</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='lg-container-b'>
+  <div class='linegroup'>
+    <div class='group'>
+      <div class='line'><i>Who suggested the idea, I dedicate</i></div>
+      <div class='line'><i>my half of this ½ portion book,</i></div>
+      <div class='line in8'><i>With best regards</i></div>
+      <div class='line in24'>N. W. P.</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='chapter'>
+  <span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span>
+  <h2 class='c005'><cite>Say It with Bricks</cite></h2>
+</div>
+
+<p class='drop-capa0_0_7 c006'>My Publisher is a nice man, but
+he has got a way of asking a
+person that they should write
+him pieces about impossible things. And
+you say why, no, I can’t do that, and then
+he will pass some remarks such as oh, shucks
+or something, and the next thing a author
+knows why they are down in print to the
+effect he wants them to be.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>That is how I come to refuse to write
+anything about husbands, because one day
+this Publisher says to me why not write
+what you think about husbands and I says
+because it couldn’t be printed. And he says
+well I will pay cash for the piece. And I
+says that is certainly an awful temptation
+to any woman, being asked not alone to tell
+what is on her mind about husbands, but
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span>offering to pay her for doing it, but no, I
+don’t think I had better, it wouldn’t be
+delicate.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>And then I stopped talking so’s he could
+get a chance to urge me but he merely sat,
+and so after a while I thought, well, I had
+not ought to let the conversation drag like
+that, it is not polite, and so I says well, having
+had two husbands and been a widow in
+the meantime, I suppose I am unusually
+competent to tell about them. But all he
+says to that is, I don’t want I should urge
+you against your will. And then I seen my
+chance slipping, so I says well I might leave
+out that part about what I think of husbands
+and make a few remarks merely about what
+I <i>know</i> about them and he says, well try
+what you can do. And I says, oh dear, I
+don’t think I have anything to say about
+husbands, and he says all right, I’m sorry.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>So I went home and I met my husband
+in the hall and he was looking through the
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>bills that the postman had left, the old ones
+with the dust on them as well as the nice
+clean new ones; I suppose he was trying
+could he by luck find something readable.
+And I says hello George what do you think,
+I got a job to write a piece about husbands,
+and he says, well, if you do I will break
+your neck.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Well after that I guess you can figure
+out for yourself what I at once thought,
+and that I suddenly found I had several
+things to say about husbands, after all. Or,
+if a husband yourself, why undoubtedly you
+will know what was going on in what
+George calls his mind when he passed that
+remark. So I will merely proceed and tell
+you about the talk I and he had concerning
+why I should not write this story, and how
+I come to refuse to do it.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Well, when George says that about my
+neck, and so forth, I come back at him with,
+since when are you telling me what I am
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>to write? And he says I should think some
+things was sacred, and I says, do you actually
+believe there is anything sacred about
+the things you are afraid I will tell on you?
+And he says well, husbands is a outrageous
+subject, and then I says yeh, you said a
+mouthful. And then he says well, I forbid
+you to write it, anyways.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>And believe you me that is where George
+pulled a boner, because of course that decided
+me, and I made up my mind I wanted
+to write it, and that I would do so only for
+being fond of my neck and having already
+told my Publisher I would not. But I says
+to George how do you get that forbid stuff?
+and he says in the marriage ceremony,
+didn’t you promise to love, honor, and
+obey? And I says I did not, Gorgeous, not
+at my 2d marriage, which was to you, on
+account I had already been stung that way
+once. And George didn’t have any comeback
+to that because, come to think of it,
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>that was the truth. Which only goes to
+prove how much clearer women remembers
+their marriages than men do.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Well, they generally have more cause to
+on account husbands go out in the morning
+and leave marriage behind them for the
+whole entire day, that is unless they are the
+kind comes home for lunch. But as a rule
+they usually outgrow home-lunches after
+about the 1st yr., and coming home to lunch
+is one of the few bad habits a wife can cure
+after marriage. Other bad habits such as
+gambling, drinking, and preferring toothpicks
+to any other form of dessert, why if
+he has these habits while still a man, it is
+likely they will not get better when he has
+become merely a husband, and you know
+the old saying about no man will reform
+after marriage if he won’t before and I
+always say, well why would he.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Well anyways I had it on George, see,
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>because of me having been married 1 time
+before, and I knew enough to leave that
+obey stuff out the 2d time and other items
+as well. And what is further, a 1st husband
+is a great weapon and every married
+woman should have one, because no matter
+what he was like when living, if no
+longer so, you can always hold him up as a
+sample. No matter what George does, why
+I am in the position to say, well Joe never
+did. So my advice to young girls is always
+have a 1st husband somewhere in your
+past, even if you have to invent him, then
+you can pull the Tom-never-acted-like-that
+stuff, and even though your husband will
+say, no, thank heaven, I am not such a
+dumb-bell, or maybe let on like he thought
+you was exaggerating a good deal, why,
+you can at least have the comfort of kidding
+yourself that maybe life would of been
+sweeter with Tom if only I hadn’t made
+this terrible mistake, and ect.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span>Now there are quite a few things all husbands
+have in common and believe me common
+is just what I mean. I don’t know how
+they get that way unless it’s an infection,
+but going around the room with a shirt on
+and a neck band with one collar button
+fastened in front and one sticking out behind
+but as yet no collar to justify it, is
+common indeed to all of them, and in the
+mind of any wife living, should constitute
+grounds for divorce. I don’t know just
+what is wrong about a husband with no
+collar but a adams-apple working where a
+necktie ought to be, but something is. It
+ought to be stopped by law.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Another outrage that we wives have to
+endure is the license husbands get to tell
+the same story in our presence as many
+times as he can find a victim who has either
+never heard this story, see, or is too polite
+to admit that he has when he finds out how
+anxious George is to tell it. And not alone
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>are we wives expected to listen for the thousandth
+time without protest, but we are actually
+expected to lead up to this story when
+in company, of our own free will, and give
+him the chance to tell it, and what is even
+stranger, we do.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>We wives also suffer a lot from teethbrushing,
+and if somebody would only invent
+a silencer for husband’s tooth brushes
+they would confer a big favor on humanity.
+And to see the ideal of our girlhood days
+who we had only considered as perpetually
+wearing a dress suit, come wandering out of
+the bathroom in a undershirt, suspenders
+draped gracefully over both hips, a face like
+a soap-bubble-party gone wrong, waving a
+razor and passing some remark about hey
+listen, whatter you think I told that old
+cheese of a manager of ours to-day, well,
+a thing like that is a terrible blow to love’s
+young dream. In fact it is generally sufficient
+of a blow to knock said dream for
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>a goal, and yet a person has to endure it
+year after year and smile and say nothing
+except maybe “What, dear?” or something.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Of course, if George was ever to stop doing
+it I would have a fit and commence to
+think there was another woman, and be as
+completely, comfortably miserable as only
+a wife can be when she has nothing else to
+do. But just the same it is grounds for
+complaint.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Then on the other hand I will admit that
+husbands is got their good points. For a
+sample, if you got to help them push their
+old jokes out of the garage in public, they
+will in turn back up any brag that their
+wife pulls about what rent we pay or the
+big salaried position that he turned down
+when it was almost offered to him, and ect.,
+and even once in a while he will confirm
+something you say you done yourself, such
+as making the cake you bought at the
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>woman’s exchange and brought it to the
+picnic, for any human wife will fall for a
+little white lie like that once in a while.
+The only trouble is, that a wife is never
+sure will he really back her up, or will he
+say, why, Nina Putnam, that dress ain’t imported,
+it’s the one you made me come across
+with the seventeen-fifty for, over on Forty-second
+Street, don’t you remember? And if
+it should happen to be one of them days
+with him, why there is no use pretending
+you can’t remember, because he will hound
+you until you do.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>However, husbands are temperamental
+and the very next day they will back you
+up when you least expect it, even to the
+extent of speaking to the cook about the condition
+of the ice box, and it is these precious
+moments keeps us chained to them.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Husbands’ memories is notedly strong on
+things like the kind of a cook his mother
+was, what he went around the last nine holes
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>in, the exact raise of salary he needs, and
+the only time you had one cocktail too
+many. But they have a blind spot in their
+minds when it comes to anniversaries, mailing
+letters, and promises to get around more
+in the evenings to shows and things like we
+used to when we was engaged. It’s no
+sooner promised than forgotten, with them,
+but they will hound you to death over a
+little thing like a button on a shirt, which
+you have overlooked a few times on account
+of having different things on your mind
+such as trying to match that difficult dress
+sample of Elephant Blue, or your regular
+Bridge Thursday.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Women have so many more things to
+think of than men do, what with the Eternal
+Question of what’ll we eat, and can I trust
+that new Maggie with the baby while I run
+downtown or must I take him over to
+Mommer’s, and numerous other details,
+that it’s a wonder we ever get around to
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>holes in socks or bawling out the laundry
+because the only decent dress-shirt collar
+out of six—mind you, Nina, the only one
+that was really any good—has been chewed
+at the edges so’s it fits around the neck like
+a hack-saw.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Of course I realize that all the above type
+of beautiful domestic detail, which is part
+of every true woman’s sacred homelife, is
+extremely elevating. In fact I have frequently
+found it so elevating that I have
+went right up in the air about it. But programs
+of that sort are what any husband
+expects his wife will gratefully accept, and
+it’s the truth she is generally able to discount
+it, learn to get a little pleasure out of
+crabbing about it, and would not give it up
+for the world, because then she would have
+to commence and look around for some new
+thing to holler over. One good point
+about husbands is that they provide all the
+subjects for those w. k. female brand of
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>talks commencing, well I don’t believe in
+discussing my private affairs with anybody,
+but I <i>will</i> say that George, and ect.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Other good things about husbands is
+that they are certainly useful for closing
+trunks and opening bottles. Also they are
+good practice for ladies intending to enter
+the diplomatic service, which some of us
+some day undoubtedly will, now that we
+have got the vote, and any woman who has
+put in a few years managing an average husband
+will be able to take a foreign diplomat’s
+job, and these astute Mike O’Valleys
+they got over in them foreign countries,
+why, they will be a mere child in our
+hands.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Well, if I was to write a story on husbands,
+one thing I would certainly do over
+George’s dead body if necessary is show up
+a few of the things husbands have been getting
+credit for these many years, when all
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>the credit belonging to them in these respects
+could be written on a pl. remit notice.
+And the first of these false-fronts that they
+have been putting up is that a woman is
+never ready on time and a husband is always
+champing at the leash with his watch in one
+paw hollering out remarks about the first
+act or the last train or something, while his
+better half is making herself look as much
+better as she knows how and taking not
+alone her own time about it, but everybody
+else’s time as well.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Now where every husband I have had is
+concerned, it is enough to say, dinner is
+ready, dear, for him to beat it in the opposite
+direction from the dining-room to
+wash his hands and comb his hair and peer
+at his collar, and feel does he need a shave
+and this is especially true if we have a
+omelet or pea soup. Even then he will not
+take the blame, but try to hold the cook
+responsible for the fact that the omelet has
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>fell and he was not there with the old field
+work, or that the pea soup is all right, only
+now being cold all it needs is a little wall
+paper and a brush to go with it. On time?
+The only thing a typical husband is ever on
+time for is his own funeral and that generally
+occurs too late to be of any good to
+his widow.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>More husbands has caused the missing of
+a first act by forgetting the tickets than
+wives has caused the same thing through
+faults of her own. And if a wife is not
+dressed on time for the seven-forty-five car
+into town, it is usually because she has got
+a sudden hole in her silk ones, or she didn’t
+get time to curl her hair before dinner on
+account of that dreadful Mrs. Hoosis staying
+so late, or she was cutting out a new pair
+of rompers and forgot to stop in time, or
+some real, genuine reason like that.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>And as for delaying auto rides, well, it’s
+a lucky thing I decided <i>not</i> to write any
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span>article telling about husbands, because of
+the mouthful I could say on this subject
+alone, or in company either! The times I
+have sat in the car and waited while George
+took up the hood and looked earnestly at the
+engine for a long time, until the engine
+stared him out of countenance and he put
+the hood down again without doing anything
+else, but with the eternal hope I
+would be impressed! Then again the sitting
+I have done while he filled the radiator
+and looked to see did we need any gas, and
+made me get up so’s he could get a screw
+driver out of the tool box under the seat,
+and then decide he didn’t need the screw
+driver after all, and make me get up again
+so’s he could put it back! I have waited
+while he give the oil gauge a good manicure
+and cursed when he discovered he done
+it with his handkerchief by mistake and
+gone back in the house for a clean one, and
+then decided maybe he would just run in
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>and get a sweater in case it got cold before
+we come home.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>And then, after all those brands of delay,
+George will get in the driver’s seat and say,
+well, we are going to be late, I don’t see
+why you couldn’t of been ready on time, and
+I will say nothing. That is, nothing except
+a few words about why don’t you take care
+of the car in advance, it is your province,
+or am I expected to do it as well as all the
+housekeeping, because if you say so, I will,
+and then there won’t be no delay, and it’s a
+man’s job, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
+Just merely a few things like that,
+because I don’t believe in starting out on a
+trip sore at each other.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>As for the times I have sat outside of
+some office when George has said I want
+to run in here on business I won’t be a
+minute, well, I’ll tell the world he said a
+mouthful, because he never is a minute,
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>he is an hour as a general thing. And
+another time I have waited for a husband
+is when he said he would be home early
+to-night, dear, but he had to work overtime
+at the office, after all.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Well, if I was to write this book I am
+telling you about, why, those are a few
+things I would mention right here, and
+another bluff about men which I would
+dynamite, is about how strong they are.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Somehow the idea has got around, probably
+circulated by men, that men are
+stronger than women. Well, some of them
+are strong all right, I personally myself
+know one man and he was so strong he captured
+a wild packing box on its native
+hearth, and sat on it to tame it while his
+wife took in washing on <i>her</i> native hearth
+and worked at it for twelve hours a day.
+I also know another strong husband who
+used to clerk in a drug store, and come home
+at night all wore out from wrapping up the
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>big husky gumdrops they carried, to find
+his wife cheerful and refreshed from her
+nice homey day, where she hadn’t a thing
+to do except the housework and the marketing
+and the washing, and a few little things
+like that, when she was perfectly free to
+spend her evening sewing for the kids. In
+a coupla years this husband strained his
+imagination lifting a package of absorbent
+cotton and had to retire for life; but she,
+being a weak woman, merely took on a
+little stenography and they get along pretty
+good.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>So I always claim you can’t tell a sturdy
+oak from a clinging vine until they start to
+grow, and then, on the other hand there is
+George and his threat about breaking my
+neck, and he is perfectly capable of doing
+it with one hand, as I know, on account I
+have seen him open a box of shoe polish
+with a single gesture, and after an exhibition
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>of strength like that, why, I don’t care
+to take any chance, which is why I couldn’t
+very well write this book that he objected to.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>But it does seem a pity, though, for me
+not to be free to write it because there are
+several good things I would like to be able
+to call attention to about husbands, and I
+would put them into the story, and one of
+them would be how a husband makes a person
+feel safe going out with him, nights, and
+how they are real handy when you need a
+little change. I mean both in the money
+sense and when you want to get away from
+where you are.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Husbands is also a great comfort in a
+lonely house at night, and the superstition
+about they will chase burglars has reached
+such a popular point that old maids frequently
+keep a male hat or two parked on
+the rack in the hall, hoping all burglars
+will enter by the front door, see the hats
+and be so scared they will beat it at once.
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>But these old maids, why they do it in their
+innocence on account they have no real experience.
+And anyone on the inside knows
+that a genuine husband, if his attention is
+called to some noise, will merely pull the
+blanket further up over his head and say
+oh, nonsense, it is only that darn cat again,
+how many times have I got to get up at night
+and stalk that animal. Still, it is better to
+have a husband in the house than a mere hat,
+because then if the burglar does come, at
+least you can die together, or maybe it will
+be only the husband that will get injured.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Another thing I would love to discuss on
+the subject of husbands and why they are
+that way, is mothers-in-law of both sexes.
+Few people is lucky enough to marry
+orphans, and a mother-in-law on one side
+of the family is a element in almost any
+marriage. And believe you me, a husband’s
+mother has got it on a wife’s mother, and
+when she comes to visit she may be as nice
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>as nature allows in such trying circumstances,
+but she has a far more eagle-eye on
+the way you run things for her boy than
+your mother ever has on friend husband
+and the way he is treating you. And this
+is because his mother always has a you-stole-him-from-me-hussy!
+feeling toward you,
+while your own mommer, no matter how
+she may pick on him as a provider and she
+usually does, though in a nice way, well,
+she always has a dash of thank-heaven-you-took-her-off-my-hands
+in her manner.
+Which naturally makes him more so than
+ever, if you get me.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Now I have give a lot of serious thought
+to marriage, and if I was ever to write a
+piece about it, I would admit that, honest,
+there is something funny about marriage.
+I mean funny in the most serious sense.
+There is something about marriage does
+funny things to people once they get into
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>it. I mean funny things such as being nasty
+to each other, and cruel, sometimes, and
+even unfair. It takes a nice, snappy-dressed
+young chap that is crazy about going
+to the pictures and is a regular spendthrift
+with ice-cream sodas, after, and plants
+him in the back parlor with his vest unbuttoned,
+his face under a newspaper and
+his feet under the lamp. It likewise grows
+curl papers and dressing sacks on females
+that once took ’em off before he had a
+chance to see ’em. Marriage goes even
+further. It runs up bills for groceries instead
+of for taxis: it traps a person into having
+a bunch of kids that looked fine on
+magazine covers when we was engaged,
+but now look best when finally in bed and
+asleep. In fact, anybody who could write,
+could holler on about marriage and husbands
+and what is wrong with them, with
+all the violence of a Red Radical and with
+more truth by far, because pretty near any
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>complaint you can make about husbands
+and marriage would be a true one. And
+only one thing about them has got me buffaloed.
+Would I be willing to do without
+them? And the answer to that is “No.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Because for the life of me I can’t think
+of any better arrangement to take the place
+of marriage, and neither have I seen anybody
+else of who it was a true fact that they
+have found something just as good. These
+free-love-radicals that you read about in the
+papers, why as a rule their chief dread in
+life is that somebody will look up the marriage
+records in their home town and expose
+to the world the horrid fact that they are
+not living in sin after all, for somebody is
+always taking the bull out of life, and leaving
+us face to face with the truth. And in
+this case I guess we will have to reluctantly
+admit that marriage is the best way to get
+rid of a troublesome suitor, of which we
+know as yet.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>Personally, I am for it, even after a
+coupla trys, and I got a feeling that there
+is in marriage, something that a person
+might justifiably call divine, and also a
+sneaking idea, which I naturally put out of
+my head as quick as possible whenever it
+comes to me, and that idea is that maybe
+there is nothing wrong with marriage itself,
+but that the trouble is with the ones that
+goes into it. I have, as I mentioned, tried
+it twice. Maybe it is like eating peanuts,
+you don’t know when to stop. But then
+again it may be because of some holy thing
+that a woman can find in a good husband.
+And if I was to write a book about husbands,
+I would tell you what this is. And
+if I did, why then George <i>would</i> break my
+neck, and I don’t know that I would be able
+to blame him!</p>
+
+<div class='titlepage'>
+
+<div class='chapter'>
+  <h2 class='c005'><span class='xxlarge'><cite>Say It With Oil</cite></span><br> <span class='large'>A FEW REMARKS ABOUT WIVES</span></h2>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div>BY</div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='xlarge'><i>Ring W. Lardner</i></span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='small'><i>Author of “You Know Me, Al,” “Gullible’s Travels,” “The Big Town,” etc.</i></span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='c004 figcenter id001'>
+<img src='images/oiltitle.jpg' alt='NEW YORK' class='ig001'>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+  <div class='nf-center'>
+    <div>GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div><span class='small'><i>Copyright, 1923,</i></span></div>
+    <div><span class='small'><i>By George H. Doran Company</i></span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div  class='figcenter id002'>
+<img src='images/oilverso.jpg' alt='' class='ig001'>
+</div>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c004'>
+    <div><span class='small'>COPYRIGHT, 1922,</span></div>
+    <div><span class='small'>BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY</span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='small'>SAY IT WITH OIL. II</span></div>
+    <div class='c003'><span class='small'>PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</span></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='lg-container-b c004'>
+  <div class='linegroup'>
+    <div class='group'>
+      <div class='line in2'><i>My ½ of this book</i></div>
+      <div class='line in4'><i>is dedicated to</i></div>
+      <div class='line'><i>whoever likes it better</i></div>
+      <div class='line in2'><i>than the other ½</i></div>
+      <div class='line in14'>R. W. L.</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<div class='chapter'>
+  <span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>
+  <h2 class='c005'><cite>Say It with Oil</cite></h2>
+</div>
+
+<p class='drop-capa0_0_7 c006'>My Publisher asked me would I
+write a book on my impressions
+in regards to wives.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>“Well,” I says, “I have only got the one
+wife, and wile I admit she has made quite
+an impression, still and all it seems to me
+like you ought to get a hold of a husband
+with more experience.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>So he says:</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>“Yes, I know you have only got one yourself,
+but you must be acquainted with a
+whole lot of them.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>“I suppose I am,” I said, blushing furiously;
+“I guess I am personally acquainted
+with practally every A-No. 1 wife around
+N. Y. City except Nina Wilcox Putnam.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>The Publisher jumped as if stang by a
+bee.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>“That is almost uncanny you mentioning
+her name,” he said. “She is the lady who
+has wrote up a story in regards to husbands,
+and what I am asking you to write is a kind
+of a reply to what she wrote. Because I
+would not be loyal to my sex was I to print
+her scatheing arrangement of the male
+gender and not give no space to our defense.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>“All right,” I said; “but I can’t conduct
+no defense without knowing what is the
+charges, so before I reply to her story I
+would better see it first.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>So he showed me the story, and I read
+it, and you can read it for yourselfs as it is
+printed elsewheres in this book under the
+dainty <i>nom de plume</i> of “Say It With
+Bricks,” only I suppose the proof-readers
+has kind of fixed it up since I seen it, as it
+struck me that the lady in question has studied
+husbands at the expense of grammar and
+spelling.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>But before dealing with her story, and
+wile still cool, I would like to state the cold
+facts which the gen. public is well aware of
+same, but for one reason and another don’t
+care to confess it even to themselfs. One
+fact is that a man defending husbands vs.
+wives, or men vs. women has got about as
+much chance as a traffic policeman trying
+to stop a mad dog by blowing 2 whistles.
+Another fact is that, with all the recent
+jokeing about give us equal rights and etc.
+the wives has got the husbands licked to a
+pulp and has had them licked for hundreds
+of yrs., and same can be proved by consulting
+the works of any writer young or old
+that touches on the subject.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>We will take for inst. the dictionary, and
+what does it say about a husband? The
+1st. definition is a husbandman, which don’t
+mean nothing. The 2d. definition is a
+frugal person, an economist. The 3d. definition
+is a man who has a wife. In other
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>wds. Mr. Webster realized that his book
+wouldn’t have no sale unless it tickled the
+women-folks, so before he dast come out and
+say that a husband is a man with a wife, he
+had to call him a tightwad.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Now what is the definition of a wife?
+Well, he says she is the lawful consort of a
+man, and it don’t require no Shylock
+Holmes to figure out that what he meant
+to say, but was scared to say, was, <i>awful</i>
+consort.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Back toward the end of the same book
+you will run across the wd. uxoricide which
+means the murder of a wife by her husband.
+But nowheres in the book will you find a
+wd. that means the murder of a husband
+by a wife. Unless it’s the wd. congratulations.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>In this connection it might be well to
+point out the fine bunch of equal rights
+with which the happy pair embarks on the
+matrimonial seas. If either one of them
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>ain’t satisfied with the other, why they have
+got equal rights to shoot. But if it’s the
+wife that gets bumped off, the husband has
+got exclusive rights to a seat in the electric
+chair, or strap hanging by his Adam’s apple,
+or spending the rest of his life in a bird
+cage. If, however, the husband was the
+target, why the worst that can happen to
+mother is that she will half to poll the jury
+with kisses, which can’t be such a hardship
+even granting that statistics is accurate and
+that 10 out of every 12 good men and true is
+kindly disposed toward eating-tobacco.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>But to return to the writers, why you can’t
+find more than a couple of them great or
+small but what has came out in print or in
+speeches before the Rotary Club to the effect
+that their success and everybody else’s
+was due to their wives or sweethearts.
+They know a whole lot better, but don’t
+dast say so. The prominent exceptions to
+this rule is Francis Bacon and Rudyard
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>Kipling. Mr. Bacon made the remark that
+“he that hath wife and children hath given
+hostages to fortune, for they are impediments
+to great enterprises, either of virtue
+or mischief.” And Mr. Kipling wrote one
+about a good man married being a good
+man marred, and another one to the effect
+that he travels the fastest who travels
+alone.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Some nerve these two babies had, but
+where did it land them? Mr. Bacon is quite
+dead and Mr. Kipling wasn’t even invited
+to Princess Mary’s wedding.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>The writers of the present day has learnt
+better than take chances like that, and you
+can’t read a story or tend the theatre now
+days without getting a fresh sample of log
+rolling in favor of the squalling sex. Like
+for inst. take the play “To the Ladies”
+where Marc Connelly and Geo. Kaufman
+has their leading female character say a line
+something like “No man that wasn’t married
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>ever made a name for himself.” Well
+they was a whole lot of us guys in the audience
+with our wives, and when the line was
+sprang why we just kind of giggled and
+smirked as much as to say “How true that
+is.” Where as if we had of dared to be
+nasty we would of rose up on our legs and
+said “What about H. L. Mencken and Tris
+Speaker and Geo. Ade?”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Even the authors of the marriage ceremony
+has woke up to the situation and
+agreed to rewrite same and fix themselfs
+right with the ladies by leaving out the wd.
+obey. This is just another public recognition
+of how bad we are licked. As a matter
+of fact the obey rule got obsolete along
+about the same time as 1st. bounce is out.
+And another thing the boys is going to
+eliminate is the giving of a woman in marriage,
+because the gals don’t like to have it
+even hinted that anybody has got the right
+to give them away like they was a cut glass
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>gold fish bowl or a pen wipper. So instead
+of “Who giveth this dame to this guy,” why
+from now on they are going to can those
+lines and substitute a hymn or anthem which
+will probably be some song like Oh, what a
+gal was Mary.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>So much for Man’s position in the Standing
+of the Clubs and the fat chance I or
+any other male has got to defend ourself vs.
+attacks by Mrs. Putnam or any other member
+of her lodge. But when I undertake to
+do a job why I am one of these here heblooded
+Americans that never quits till they
+are counted out which can’t possibly happen
+till I been in the arena 10 seconds. In
+this case however I expect to last longer
+than that for one little reason. The wife
+I have got don’t read my stuff. Incidentally
+that just about describes her. But any way
+the knowledge that she don’t read my stuff
+gives me courage to say a few wds. about
+wives and what they are that I wouldn’t
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>dast say if I thought she was going to
+read it.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Well then here is some of my idears about
+wives as I have studied them at home and
+abroad.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that thinks you ought to
+eat at 8 o’clock, one o’clock, and 7 o’clock.
+If you express yourself as having an appetite
+for turkey at midnight they think you
+are crazy.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that always wants to go
+home when you don’t and vice versa.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that ain’t never satisfied
+as they are always too fat or too thin. Of
+all the wives I ever talked to I never run
+acrost one yet that was just right.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that thinks 2 ash trays
+should ought to be plenty for a 12 rm.
+house.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that asks you what time
+the 12:55 train gets to New York. “At
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>1:37,” you tell them. “How do you know?”
+they ask.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people that sets on the right side
+of the front seat in their husband’s costly
+motor and when he turns down a street to
+the left they tell him he ought to of kept
+straight ahead.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>They are people that you ask them to go
+to a ball game and they act tickled to death.
+So along about the 7th. innings you look at
+them and they are fast asleep and you remind
+them with a delicate punch in the ribs
+that they are supposed to be excited. “Oh,
+yes,” they say. “I love it.” So you ask them
+what is the score and they say “St. Louis is
+ahead, ain’t they?” “Well,” you say, “I
+don’t know if St. Louis is ahead or ain’t
+ahead, but the game you are watching is between
+Boston and New York.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>That reminds me of one time I took the
+little woman (I can’t always remember her
+first name) to a game in old Chi and it was
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>Cleveland vs. the White Sox and it was a
+close game something like 2 to 1 in favor of
+somebody and along come the 8th. innings,
+and Mother, which is how I sometimes
+think of her, was sleeping pretty and all of
+a sudden they was a big jam down around
+1st. base between a citizen named Tris
+Speaker, mentioned before in this article
+and now mentioned again, and Chick
+Gandil of blessed memory. As they was
+taking the shirtless remains of Chick off of
+the field I nudged Mamma in the jaw and
+said: “Did you see that? It looked to me
+like Graney took a wallop at him for good
+measure.” “Who is ahead?” says the little
+gal.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Wives is people who you make an outlay
+of $50, so as they can set somewheres in New
+Jersey during the so-called Dempsey-Carpentier
+fight and when it is over, you meet
+them and ask them how they liked it and
+they say Oh, they was thrilled. “Did you
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>see that last punch?” you ask them. “No,”
+they say. “I was watching Irma Goldberg.”
+Who of course is worth watching
+even at $50.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>They are people who you get invited out
+somewheres with them and you ask them if
+they think you ought to shave and they say
+no, you look all right. But when you get
+to wherever you are going they ask everybody
+to please forgive Lute as he didn’t
+have time to shave.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>They are people that kid you because
+when the morning paper comes the first
+thing you look at is the sporting sheet. You
+leave the paper home and buy another one
+to read on the way downtown. When you
+get home that evening, in trying to make
+conversation you remark that it was kind of
+sad, the Kaiser’s wife dying in exile. “I
+didn’t know she was dead,” says Ma.
+“Well,” you tell her, “it was in the morning
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>paper.” “I didn’t notice it,” she says.
+“It must of been on the front page.”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>They are people that never have nothing
+that is fit to wear.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>They are people that think when the telephone
+bell rings it is against the law to not
+answer it.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>They are people whose watch is always
+a ¼ of a hr. off either one way or the other.
+But they wouldn’t have no idear what time
+it was any way as this daylight savings gets
+them all balled up.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>The above observations is made without
+resentment as I have no complaint vs. wives
+in gen. or anybody’s wife in particular.
+Personly I get along fine with whatever her
+name is and am perfectly satisfied with my
+home, which I often call my castle. I also
+refer to it sometimes as jail, but only in a
+joking way.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>But here I am in jail and supposed to be
+defending my sex vs. the opponents and as
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>I said before what a fat chance. However
+I promised the old boy that I would answer
+Mrs. Putnam’s story, and a promise is a
+promise especially when you get paid for it.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>So will point out in the beginning that
+Mrs. Putnam denies all through her story
+that it is a story and she certainly hit the
+nail on the hammer that time. What it
+reads like to me is pure fiction. Like for
+inst. she gives you the impression that whenever
+she seen her husbands before she married
+them, they always had on a dress suit.
+Well friends I think you will find the fact is
+that when a kid is 16 or 17 yrs. of age he
+gets a dress suit and by the time he is 19 yrs.
+of age he couldn’t get it on with a shoe horn,
+and from that age to when he gets married
+he don’t have no more dress suit than Robinson
+Crusoe and he wouldn’t never have no
+more dress suit as long as he lived if she
+didn’t insist on him joining the Rotarians.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>The lady’s complaint is that after being
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>used to him in nothing but dress suits wile
+he was doing the alleged courting, why it is
+a kind of a blow to see him walking around
+the rm. in his shaving uniform with his suspenders
+draped over his hips. In reply to
+that will say that the lady shouldn’t ought
+to of had no trouble picking out a husband
+with something on his hip besides suspenders.</p>
+
+<p class='c008'>Another complaint is how much noise a
+husband makes with his tooth brush. Well
+if a man is at all musical they’s no instrument
+he won’t attempt to play on and besides
+what good is brushing your teeth if
+you are going to keep it a secret.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>And another complaint is that husbands
+prefers toothpicks to any other form of dessert.
+I don’t think this is entirely fair because
+they’s some desserts that you get in
+hotels and restaurants that a person would
+really relish more than a toothpick, whereas
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>they’s desserts that is served in some private
+homes than whom a person would not only
+rather have toothpicks but sulphur matches
+if necessary.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>The lady says it is husbands that is always
+delaying the game and when they are told
+that dinner is ready, dear, why it is then and
+then only that they start to wash their hands
+and brush their hair. Our reply to that is
+that when the little woman says dinner is
+ready you can generally always figure on
+anywheres from 10 minutes to a ½ hr. before
+they’s anything on the table but flies.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>As for husbands causing the missing of
+the first act, judgeing from the most of the
+plays I seen lately she should ought to be
+grateful for that and if he is even slower
+and makes her miss the whole show she
+ought to kiss him.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Now then along toward the finish of her
+story the lady says something which I will
+half to quote as it is such a pretty sentiment
+<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>namely, “Any complaint you can make
+about husbands and marriage would be a
+true one. And only one thing about them
+(meaning husbands) has got me buffaloed.
+Would I be willing to do without them?
+And the answer to that is ‘No.’”</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>Well friends it is hard to bear ill will
+toward a writer that kind of softens her
+tirade with such a neat little compliment
+as that and it looks to me like it would be
+no more than gentlemanly on my part to
+reply to same in kind. For inst.</p>
+
+<p class='c007'>“Pretty near any complaint you make
+about wives, why it is true though they will
+probably resent it. But I often ask myself
+the question could I get along without
+them? And the answer to that is that I got
+along without none for twenty-five yrs.
+and never felt better in my life. Believe
+you me.”</p>
+<div class='pbb'>
+ <hr class='pb c003'>
+</div>
+<div class='tnotes x-ebookmaker'>
+
+<div class='chapter ph2'>
+
+<div class='nf-center-c0'>
+<div class='nf-center c001'>
+    <div>TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+ <ul class='ul_1 c004'>
+    <li>Fixed typos; non-standard spelling and dialect retained.
+
+    </li>
+    <li>This is a novelty volume in which <cite>Say It with Bricks</cite> occupies one half, 
+    and when the book is flipped, <cite>Say It with Oil</cite> begins (or vice 
+    versa).<br>Accordingly, <cite>Say It with Oil</cite> appears midway through the uploaded 
+    material, complete with its own title page.<br><cite>Bricks</cite> is written by a woman 
+    about men, while <cite>Oil</cite> is written by a man about women.
+
+    </li>
+    <li>The two covers were combined vertically for this edition.
+    </li>
+  </ul>
+
+</div>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78606 ***</div>
+</body>
+<!-- created with ppgen.py 3.57i (with regex) on 2026-05-05 15:33:16 GMT -->
+</html>
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author	www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org>	2026-05-05 09:29:33 -0700
committer	www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org>	2026-05-05 09:29:33 -0700
commit	be4aaa5cd2dc904f61eb89b9e0adb6eddd0a8262 (patch)
tree	b7195c8b8af2ba8d41db600089690d76eb16f543 /78606-h