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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:30:08 -0700 |
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diff --git a/7736-h/7736-h.htm b/7736-h/7736-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0942a10 --- /dev/null +++ b/7736-h/7736-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1386 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-lytton + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Tomlinsoniana + +Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton + +Release Date: March 16, 2009 [EBook #7736] +Last Updated: August 28, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + TOMLINSONIANA + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Edward Bulwer-Lytton + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> OR, THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS OF THE CELEBRATED AUGUSTUS + TOMLINSON, PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF ———- + ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS, AND COMPRISING + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I + MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS, +BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY +BECOME HIS OWN ROGUE. + + II + BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + INTRODUCTION. +</pre> + <p> + Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that + University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral + Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness, + in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and + conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical + Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have + alluded in the latter pages of “Paul Clifford,” and which his pupils + deemed it advisable to hide from— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,” + </pre> + <p> + his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the case + of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you his + genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a + light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a little + black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These + interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was + consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the + little <i>morceaux</i> of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays + and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom of + his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured from + his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the German + press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become + philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would confer + upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to the + light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon they + appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise. + </p> + <p> + At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and + hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in + every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson + peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that + may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if they + contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that principle + of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its detection, + they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even condemned to + that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is but the prelude + to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + CONTENTS. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten + Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which + every Man may become his own Rogue + + BRACHYLOGIA: + On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor + Emulation + Caution against the Scoffers of “Humbug” + Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence + Dum deflnat Amnis + Self-Glorifiers + Thought on Fortune + Wit, and Truth + Auto-theology + Glorious Constitution + Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is + better than Ability + Common-sense + Love, and Writers on Love + The Great Entailed + The Regeneration of a Knave + Style +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MAXIMS + + ON + + THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, + + ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS; +</pre> + <p> + BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME + HIS OWN ROGUE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Set a thief to catch a thief.—-Proverb. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I. +</pre> + <p> + Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always + begin with, “It is an acknowledged fact,” etc. Sir Robert Filmer was a + master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that great + man attempted to cheat! “It is a truth undeniable that there cannot be any + multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc., but that in the + same multitude there is one man amongst them that in nature hath a right + to be King of all the rest,—as being the next heir to Adam!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + II. +</pre> + <p> + When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking on + the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you + exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular + cheating. “For the love of God, sir, a penny!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + III. +</pre> + <p> + Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find + yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of “The Laws of Nature.” As + those laws are written nowhere,—[Locke]—they are known by + nobody. Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine + as the dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, “Here!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + IV. +</pre> + <p> + Yield to a man’s tastes, and he will yield to your interest. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + V. +</pre> + <p> + When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant, + brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their + opinion. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VI. +</pre> + <p> + Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood + depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the + statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even the + commoner professions—the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer, + the wine-merchant—draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from + those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the + ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a + man’s virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his + infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to the + Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a rogue + professionally. Knaves are like critics,—[Nullum simile est quod + idem.—EDITOR.]—“flies that feed on the sore part, and would + have nothing to live on were the body in health.”—[Tatler]. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VII. +</pre> + <p> + Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,—one + has a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided for + this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought, misfortunes + painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities which the + atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering some affecting + sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest misfortune you ever + had in your life; habit will soon make the association of tears and that + melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous. I knew, my dear pupils, a + most intelligent Frenchman, who obtained a charming legacy from an old + poet by repeating the bard’s verses with streaming eyes. “How were you + able to weep at will?” asked I (I was young then, my pupils). “Je + pensois,” answered he, “a mon pauvre pere, qui est mort.” The union of + sentiment with the ability of swindling made that Frenchman a most + fascinating creature! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VIII. +</pre> + <p> + Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse + than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for human + art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man’s mind do not + sustain us; it is what he owes to “the pains taken with his education,” + and “the blessings of civilized society!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + IX. +</pre> + <p> + Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not, decide + the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing indicates + imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, “that the most celebrated of + charlatans—[Mahomet]—and the boldest of tyrants begins his + extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, ‘There is no doubt in this + book!’” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + X. +</pre> + <p> + There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and + which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,—cheating + by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then grows + into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested persons to + fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its captain to make + discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that L10,000 should be + subscribed—for what?—to place him in parliament! Neither of + these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a shilling had he + asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with “His Royal + Highness” at the top, plays the devil with English guineas. A subscription + for individuals may be considered a society for the ostentatious + encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture, and other public + virtues! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XI. +</pre> + <p> + Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently + successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the + qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. “He possessed,” saith the + biographer, “the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling]; the + most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most noble + fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most + singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one man, + and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over the mind + of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing their purses or + seducing their actions].” Wherefore, if luck cast you in humble life, + assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to accomplish you + as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be thoroughly versed + in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself to be eminent! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XII. +</pre> + <p> + The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion + nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear + generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not + pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity is + not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well as a + Spanish cloak. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XIII. +</pre> + <p> + When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number of + persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the cleverest, + shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference that will alone + dupe the rest of the world. “That Mr. Lynx is satisfied,” will amply + suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of your intentions! Nor are + shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on their strength: + invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to them in a + business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their lawyer. My + friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of art. He swindled + twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no other trouble than it + first cost him to swindle—whom do you think?—the Secretary to + the Society for the Suppression of Swindling! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XIV. +</pre> + <p> + Divide your arts into two classes,—those which cost you little + labour, those which cost much. The first,—flattery, attention, + answering letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the + man you intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is + worth gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving + yourself, you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence, and + good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour—a long + subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue, a + quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person + difficult to blind,—all these never begin except for great ends, + worth not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains + for small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more <i>grandeur + d’ame!</i>—[Greatness of soul]. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XV. +</pre> + <p> + Always forgive. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XVI. +</pre> + <p> + If a man owe you a sum of money—pupils though you be of mine, you + may once in your lives be so silly as to lend—and you find it + difficult to get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. + The components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an + inconvenience because he ought to do it,—without praise, without + even self—gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up + human ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the + feeling of superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the + commonness of charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; + and hence you will especially note that in proportion as people are + haughty and arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable + institutions. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XVII. +</pre> + <p> + Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the + vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the + moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical + infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure + compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the + felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten + years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XVIII. +</pre> + <p> + When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the small + sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express myself + clearly—take an example. In London there are sharpers who advertise + L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only conferred with. + The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to see the + advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the property + on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses will cost + him a mere trifle,—say, twenty guineas. Let him speak confidently; + let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest stated, and + three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,—so paltry a + sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the matter + related to halfpence! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XIX. +</pre> + <p> + Lord Coke has said: “To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute + it.” Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested + in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be traced + to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow tracking it + up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say, with a smile, + “Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,—I admire your ingenuity;” or + else look grave, colour up, and say, “I fancy, sir, there is no warrant + for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!” The Devil can + quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is too! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XX. +</pre> + <p> + Rochefoucauld has said: “The hate of favourites is nothing else but the + love of favour.” The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any man + is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he + possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has attacked. + Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our value for + the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge is born + from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres molested, + or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is hatred for the + rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor devil who is always + railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to be bribed! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XXI. +</pre> + <p> + My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the + practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers. The + heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this in the + knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of life! When + you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is your own fault + if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time. Note how + Shakspeare (whom study night and day,—no man hath better expounded + the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most accomplished + villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the murderers, with a + jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which, doubtless, those + poor fellows most piqued themselves,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Your eyes drop millstones, where fools’ eyes drop tears— + I like you, lads!” + </pre> + <p> + Can’t you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this + compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard + dropped those loving words, “I like you, lads!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XXII. +</pre> + <p> + As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper be + that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily, + good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness. And + good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the + Florimel of flesh,—an exact likeness made of the coldest materials. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + XXIII. + + BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY. +</pre> + <p> + A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a knave. + What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he must + suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in the + acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?—the discovery of + human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining; he + knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all that + terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from all: + for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave—he hath passed into + the fool—the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art of + cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is <i>teres + et rotundas</i>; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and the + shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the glory of + his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple of mine. I + hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, “Could it be seen + incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!” None but those who are + inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims, nor + (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head be + uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter with + profit upon the following descriptions of character,—that Temple of + the Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most treasured + relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + TEN CHARACTERS. + + I. +</pre> + <p> + The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities are + accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of firmness + evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system of thought. + A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation grows wedded to + one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A man universally + irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never given his + attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy to cheat, my + beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open. Indolence is + dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and put a question + to him point blank, he cannot answer, No. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + II. +</pre> + <p> + The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of + this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first sight + seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have one hope,—I + have rarely found it deceive me,—this man is usually ostentatious. A + cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye upon others; he + notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is anxious to learn + their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to know what the + world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious to repose his + selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows ostentatious, likes that + effect which is favourably talked of, and that show which wins + consideration. At him on this point, my pupils! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + III. +</pre> + <p> + The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good + subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires + great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable + portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,—against + these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a + powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of + himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make a + man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of the delicacy + of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent insensibility in those + he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is peculiarly flattered, too, + on the score of devotion and affection; he exacts in love, as from the + world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females must be Medoras; and even his + male friends should be extremely like Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily + he can be duped. Mem.—Among persons of this character are usually + found those oddities, humours, and peculiarities which are each a handle. + No man lives out of the world with impunity to the solidity of his own + character. Every new outlet to the humour is a new inlet to the heart. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + IV. +</pre> + <p> + The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,—usually a person of + robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits in + courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my good + young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all his + good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he finds you + out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung. Mem.—A + good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes a tolerable + traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never commit any + illegal offence,—aren’t there cat’s-paws for the chestnuts? As all + laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred oppressions, which + you need not explain to him), and his character is especially hostile to + oppression, you easily seduce the person we describe into braving the laws + of his country. Yes! the bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man has + only to be born in humble life to be sure of a halter! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + V. +</pre> + <p> + The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat you, + my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the stuff + from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave such a + man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools when he + has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good young men! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VI. +</pre> + <p> + The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,—the + ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or + ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not by + any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the thickness + of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best person to + manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful women; their + very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the Delilah. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VII. +</pre> + <p> + The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,—the courtier, the + man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit antagonist,—often + the successful and conquering rival of Character V. You perceive a man + like this varies so greatly in intellect—from the mere butterfly + talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see at cards to the + person you see in Cabinets, from the ——- to the Chesterfield, + from the Chesterfield to the Pericles—that it is difficult to give + you an exact notion of the weak points of a character so various. But + while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider him, my attentive + pupils, by no means a very difficult character for an inferior to dupe. + And in this manner you must go about it. Do not attempt hypocrisy; he will + see through it in an instant. Let him think you at once, and at first + sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter yourself; but let him think you a + useful rogue. Serve him well and zealously; but own that you do so, + because you consider your interest involved in this. This reasoning + satisfies him; and as men of this character are usually generous, he will + acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating + you with bountiful cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear + contented; and profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat + him), not by his failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character, + but your time. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VIII. +</pre> + <p> + The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of + character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more + common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no + more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues; + above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to, + not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its + tastes. So will ye cheat it,—or ye will cheat it also by affecting + the false virtues which it admires itself,—rouge your sentiments + highly, and let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young + men, ye will cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial + “the mirror of chivalry.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + IX. +</pre> + <p> + The plain, sensible, honest man,—a favourable, but not elevated + specimen of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in + once, but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he + must be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part of + your family. A man of this character is always open, though in a moderate + and calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always do + something to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father pulled + his father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish; exert no + artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state your wish + for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions, modestly hint + at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave him alone + forever! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + X. +</pre> + <p> + The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,—how + my heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan + for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with the + sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm of youth,—would + that the hope could be realized! Here is the very incarnation of + gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no hedgehog ever + sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his indignation; go to + him again and again; only throw yourself on his neck and weep. To gull him + once is to gull him always; get his first shilling, and then calculate + what you will do with the rest of his fortune. Never desert so good a man + for new friends; that would be ungrateful in you! And take with you, by + the way, my good young gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men are like + lands; you will get more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon + the easy than by ploughing up new ground in the sterile! Legislators,—wise, + good, pious men,—the Tom Thumbs of moral science, who make giants + first, and then kill them,—you think the above lessons villanous. I + honour your penetration. They are not proofs of my villiany, but of your + folly! Look over them again, and you will see that they are designed to + show that while ye are imprisoning, transporting, and hanging thousands + every day, a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one + of those lessons which seem to you so heinous, and not one of your laws + could touch him! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + BRACHYLOGIA; + + OR, + + ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL. + + ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS + + BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON. + + The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the + present. The illness of this great man, which happened while + composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest + than when in robust health.—Editor’s Note. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR. +</pre> + <p> + As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to pull + off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. “A good little boy,” says + the squire; “there’s a ha’penny for you.” The good little boy glows with + pride. That ha’penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes our + urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,—before church, + which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off + than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the + beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him + thus: “Be a good boy, Tom, and I’ll befriend you. Tread in the steps of + your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he + was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station; + —mind, and do like him!” So perpetual hard labour and plenty of + cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till the + day of judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is conveyed + through a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of the + people, who call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of + morals half chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate + creatures whom they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor + are always to be praised for,—industry, honesty, and content. The + first virtue is extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich + everything they have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota of the + said everything being taken away again; and the third, because content is + to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so comfortable to + the persons who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the morality taught by + the rich to the poor! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + EMULATION. +</pre> + <p> + The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without inquiring + into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man, we are on fire to + perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to ascertain the precise + qualities which enabled the man we imitate to commit the actions we + admire. Could we discover these, how often might we discover that their + origin was a certain temper of body, a certain peculiarity of + constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we should be + examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening the faculties of + our minds,—should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of books; nay, on + the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather than perfect our + moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would have been a hero + had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had he never been + pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my beloved pupils, + after reading “Quintus Curtius,” twisting each other’s throat; or, fresh + from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope of being mutilated + into the performance of a second “Lutrin.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF “HUMBUG.” + </pre> + <p> + My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily + increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is a + fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves vehemently + opposed to humbug,—fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet frank. + When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,—they are + the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand. They + are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see the + romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks at + everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great + modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in + religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the + plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he + derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,—the + humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom, prejudice, + habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and the persons we + speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by habit, too + indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE. +</pre> + <p> + You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of + magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you a great + deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own detriment. Your + neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly, actuated by + self-interest—self-interest—[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong here; but + his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian principles.—EDITOR.]—is + so entirely, though every twaddler denies it, the axis of the moral world—that + they fly into a rage with him who seems to disregard it. When a man ruins + himself, just hear the abuse he receives; his neighbours take it as a + personal affront! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS. +</pre> + <p> + One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when they + retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of enjoyment + to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the great recalls + only that public life which has disgusted them. Their private life hath + slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the sorrow or the joy + which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet impressions of mere + domestic vicissitude. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SELF-GLORIFIERS. +</pre> + <p> + Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons—who always + view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house the + best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a miracle—as + Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely, provide their + servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a lark might appear + as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THOUGHT ON FORTUNE. +</pre> + <p> + It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like the + lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an additional + lace upon his liveries. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WIT AND TRUTH. +</pre> + <p> + People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being at + variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world are + witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying. “You + assert,” observes the Socrates of modern times, “that we have a virtual + representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!” Here the + wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the egg, where + was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken egg. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + AUTO-THEOLOGY. +</pre> + <p> + Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes + of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man + dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do + not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils, + you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared Jove + himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his own + qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION. +</pre> + <p> + A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give him + some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In the + laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws by + which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain justice + for nothing! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT + GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS + BETTER THAN ABILITY. +</pre> + <p> + As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the + man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the + fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he becomes + unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very worst and + most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,—one on + medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant’s fearful ingenuity could + afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and cure + for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool <i>in se</i>, and therefore + the knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + COMMON-SENSE. +</pre> + <p> + Common-sense,—common-sense,—of all phrases, all catchwords, + this is often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in + especial, suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to + discovery. Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is + something against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when + Galileo proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, “Pshaw! + common-sense will tell you the reverse.” Talk to a sensible man for the + first time on the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will + say to it. In a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean + intellect himself, says: “It is a pity the chancellor should set his + opinion against the experience of so many centuries and the dictates of + common-sense.” Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less + useful in the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been + generally deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and + averse to what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals + to reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE. +</pre> + <p> + My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your + life, and writing verses about love,—let us say a word on the + subject. There are two species of love common to all men and to most + animals,—[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of + custom]—one springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom. + Now, neither of these, my dear young friends, is the love that you pretend + to feel,—the love of lovers. Your passion, having only its + foundation (and that unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else + to the imagination. Now, the imagination of the majority is different in + complexion and degree in every country and in every age; so also, and + consequently, is the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that you + sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only in + proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative literature. + The love which stalks through the “Arcadia” or “Amadis of Gaul” is to the + great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly ridiculous. Alas! when + those works excited enthusiasm, so did the love which they describe. The + long speeches, the icy compliments, expressed the feeling of the day. The + love madrigals of the time of Shenstone, or the brocade gallantries of the + French poets in the last century, any woman now would consider hollow or + childish, imbecile or artificial. Once the songs were natural, and the + love seductive. And now, my young friends, in the year 1822, in which I + write, and shall probably die, the love which glitters through Moore, and + walks so ambitiously ambiguous through the verse of Byron; the love which + you consider now so deep and so true; the love which tingles through the + hearts of your young ladies, and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the + evening star,—all that love too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous + to an after age; and the young aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the + vague fiddle-de-dees which ye now think so touching and so sublime will + go, my dear boys, where Cowley’s Mistress and Waller’s Sacharissa have + gone before,—go with the Sapphos and the Chloes, the elegant + “charming fairs,” and the chivalric “most beauteous princesses!” The only + love-poetry that stands through all time and appeals to all hearts is that + which is founded on either or both the species of love natural to all men,—the + love of the senses, and the love of custom. In the latter is included what + middle-aged men call the rational attachment, the charm of congenial + minds, as well as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of + simple kindness, or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would + see a chair. These, sometimes singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make + the theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most + humanly; these yet render Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over tender + affections; and these, above all, make that irresistible and all-touching + inspiration which subdues the romantic, the calculating, the old, the + young, the courtier, the peasant, the poet, the man of business, in the + glorious love-poetry of Robert Burns. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE GREAT ENTAILED. +</pre> + <p> + The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race spend + their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another; and the + main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most general, + blunders is this,—the same rule we apply to individual cases we will + not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse is + swindling,—they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a + State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called by + some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself + “Policy.” In consequence of this there is always a battle between those + who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously give + them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion extends + very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in old States, + though the world is still agreed that private swindling is private + swindling, there is the Devil’s own difficulty in punishing the swindling + of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing to the art of + swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the same. Adaptation in + private cases is innovation in public; so, without repealing old laws, + they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but more often not. Now, my + beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it misses a pigeon always kills a + crow; if it does not strike the guilty, it hits some one else. As every + crime creates a law, so in turn every law creates a crime; and hence we go + on multiplying sins and evils, and faults and blunders, till society + becomes the organized disorder for picking pockets. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE. +</pre> + <p> + A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming a + knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not + hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this + is the wherefore: “a knave early” soon gets knowledge of the world. One + vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to + love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can + scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even + his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done to + man! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + STYLE. +</pre> + <p> + Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for + in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest + consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must pause + well before you take up any model of style. On your style often depends + your own character,—almost always the character given you by the + world. If you adopt the lofty style,—if you string together noble + phrases and swelling Sonora,—you have expressed, avowed, a frame of + mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually + begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr’s style put in + action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for having + accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But suppose you + escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament, you escape + not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held by the vulgar + the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of his diction; and + the admirers of language will always consider Burke a nobler spirit than + Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How many wise sayings have + been called jests because they were wittily uttered! How many nothings + swelled their author into a sage, ay, a saint, because they were strung + together by the old hypocrite nun,—Gravity! + </p> + <p> + THE END. <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA *** + +***** This file should be named 7736-h.htm or 7736-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/7/3/7736/ + +Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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