diff options
Diffstat (limited to '76637-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 76637-0.txt | 3032 |
1 files changed, 3032 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/76637-0.txt b/76637-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7a08d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/76637-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3032 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76637 *** + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Cover art] + + + +[Frontispiece: "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER +_By Henry W. Kerr; R.S.A._] + + + +[Illustration: Title page] + + + + WEE + JOHNNIE + PATERSON + & OTHER HUMOROUS SKETCHES + + + BY W. GRANT STEVENSON, R.S.A. + + + + T. N. FOULIS + EDINBURGH, LONDON & BOSTON + MCMXIV + + + + + _New Edition, with additional sketches, + published September 1914._ + + + Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & Co. + at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh + + + + +PREFACE + +Laziness and modesty are my excuses for publishing the following +Stories. + +Being frequently accosted by friends and strangers, who say, "Would +it be too much to ask you to write out one or two of your Stories for +me, as I occasionally do a bit of reciting myself? and if you wrote +out one or two for me I would be obliged," I feel that my spare +evenings would be rendered monotonous by the repetition of writing +them, and at the same time I have a diffidence in refusing; it has +therefore occurred to me that an easy and pleasant way out of my +embarrassment would be to have them printed, so that I could present +copies to the gentlemen who honour me by their requests. Had it not +been for chronic laziness I should have responded to a flattering +letter from a gentleman in Natal, who wrote: + + +"DEAR SIR,--When in Edinburgh I had the pleasure of hearing you give +some of your Stories, and if you would kindly write me out a few I +would give them to the best of my ability,--and I am considered +rather good at reciting,--and they would be greatly appreciated by +the fellows here." + + +I have not answered the request, though the postage has been reduced +from sixpence to twopence-halfpenny, and I often think how ashamed I +should be if the stranger were to revisit Edinburgh and upbraid me +for my want of courtesy. We are told to "be kind to strangers," and +I have missed an opportunity. + +With one or two exceptions, the Stories have appeared in the +_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_, and are here reprinted with the kind +permission of the Editor. W. G. S. + + +This the Fourth Edition of _Wee Johnnie Paterson_ is being issued in +compliance with repeated requests, in more convenient form and with +new stories added. The authorship and paternity of "David and +Goliath," having undergone various vicissitudes, is here inserted in +compliance with perennial demands. + +W. G. S. + + + + +THE LIST OF CONTENTS + + +WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON + +BOYS + +AN AMATEUR COOK + +THE M'CRANKYS AT A PARTY + +BURNS'S ANNIVERSARY AND THE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON + +JOHNNIE GIBB'S FUNERAL + +SPRING CLEANING + +A MARRIAGE + +AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES + +"HOW D'YE DO?" + +M'CRANKY'S BRACE OF GROUSE + +M'CRANKY'S DECEPTIONS ABOUT GOLF + +MRS. M'CRANKY AT THE INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL MATCH + +MR. M'CRANKY + +THE SINGING LESSON + +DAVID AND GOLIATH + + + + + LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS + PARTNER ..... Frontispiece + _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._ + + "DROPPING A COPPER INTO THE DISH OF A BLIND MAN + _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._ + + "THE CONFOUNDED PAN WAS LEAKING, AND I HAD + NOT NOTICED IT" + _By J. A. Ford_ + + THE BRIG O' DOON + _By J. Marjoribanks Hay_ + + "I'M JUST WASHIN' SOME PEENIES" + _By R. M'Gregor, R.S.A._ + + TWO HAPPY HUSBANDS + _By R. B. Nisbet, R.S.A._ + + "I'M FAIR LAME WI' THAE RHEUMATICS" + _By W. Grant Stevenson, R.S.A._ + + + + +WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON + +Mrs. Johnstone was a woman who had a bad habit of being unable to +tell one story at a time; she was always branching off with +parenthetical observations. One day she came to me in a state of +great excitement and said, "Isn't this an awfu' thing that's happened +to wee Johnnie Paterson?" + +"I haven't heard about it," I said. "What is it?" + +"Weel, I'll tell ye hoo it happened, John--tuts, excuse me ca'in' ye +John--that's my man's name, ye ken; an' when a wummin's been mairrit +for three-an'-twenty year--ay, it's a lang time! though I couldna +wish a kinder or a better man than John--no--imphm; an' d'ye ken, +we've seen some gey ups an' doons since I was mairrit. D'ye ken, I +mind when the sugar was a shillin' the pund an' the loaf was +eleven-pence--imphm; ay, bit that's no what I was tellin' ye though. +What was't I was sayin', again? Ouay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson. +I'm sorry for the laddie, though he's a wild laddie tae. I'll tell +ye hoo it happened: I was jist gaun awa' doon for a penny wuth o' +soor milk tae the bairns an' John--for he's rale fond o' a drink o' +'soor dook,' as he ca's 't. He says he wudna gie a drink o' soor +dook for a' yer beers; an' I'm share it's a great blessin', an' a +hantle cheaper. There's Tam Wud's wife: I dinna ken hoo she manages +to bring up her bairns, for Tam never gangs hame wi' his wages sober +on a Setterday nicht; but I'm thinkin' the grocer kens, puir man! an' +d'ye ken that's a thing I wudna like tae dae--no--imphm. Aweel, ay, +bit that's no what I was gaun tae tell ye though. What was't again? +Ou ay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson, puir laddie! D'ye ken, I'm rale +sorry for the laddie's mother tae. I'll tell ye hoo it happened: I +was jist gaun awa' doon for the penny wuth o' soor milk, as I was +sayin', tae Mrs. White, puir body! for d'ye ken, I aye like tae get +my milk fae Mrs. White, for she deserves great credit for the way +she's brocht up her family since her man was killed, seven year +since, an' left her wi' five sma' bairns. Puir Tam White! he was +comin' hame yae day wi' a cairt o' gress for the kye, an' disn't yin +o' the wheels come aff, an' here was Tam landit on the croon o' his +heid on a stane, an' he was fund lyin' deid--through pure +laziness--ay, for if he hadna been sittin' on a loadened cairt he +couldna a' been cowpit aff, ye ken. Aweel, ay, bit that's no what I +was gaun to tell ye though. What was't I was--ou ay--aboot wee +Johnnie Paterson. I'll tell ye hoo it happened: here am n't I gaun +awa' doon for the pennywuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', an' I had +my wee bit bairn wi' me, an' it began tae whine an' greet, an' I +couldna think what was wrang wi't, for it's a guid bairn for usual; +an' when I lookit at the shawl that's roond it, isn't here a preen +stickin' in't, and ye couldna expec' the bit bairn tae be guid, an' +me makin'a preen-cushion o't. Ay! it's as guid a bairn's ever I had, +an' I've had five; but three o' them's deid. Yin deid wi' its teeth, +an' yin deid wi' its inside, an' yin deid wi' its granny, but it's a +rale healthy place this though; they tell me it's eleven hunder feet +aboon the level o' the sea. But I'm thinkin' that's jist a kind o' +guess wark, for there's nae sea here tae measure fae; ay, ye'll find +it a quiet place this, but d'ye ken it's naething tae the shepherd's +hoose up the water; they're seven miles fae onybody, an' their wee +bit lassie--a bairn twa year an' a half auld--she never had seen +onybody in her life but her faither an' her mother, an' yae day there +was a man gaun fishin' up the water, an' when she saw um she ran awa' +into the hoose an' cries, 'Mother! there's something comin' up the +water the same shape's my faither.' Ay, ye'll find it an aufu' +difference fae Edinburgh. I never was in Edinburgh but yince. Me +an' John--that's my man, ye ken--gaed awa' in tae see oor auldest +laddie Johnnie, a sojer up at the Castle yonder; an' when we gaed +awa' up, here he's walkin' up an' doon at the front door, an' I says, +'What are ye walkin' aboot there for, Johnnie? Wull they no let ye +in?'" + +"'Let me in! wummin; I'm walkin' here for a century.'" + +"So John--that's my man, ye ken--he says, 'Are ye no comin' doon tae +the Lawnmarket for a refreshment?'" + +"'Mun,' says he, 'I canna leave my post.'" + +"'Ta, gie that laddie a penny tae haud yer gun.'" + +"Aweel, we gaed awa' doon tae the Lawnmarket, an' d'ye ken there was +the awfu'est row ever ye heard tell o' when we gaed back, for leavin' +the Castle in chairge o' a wee laddie. Ay, bit that's no what I was +gaun tae tell ye though. What was't I was sayin', again? Ouay, +aboot wee Johnnie Paterson. I'll tell ye hoo it happened. I was +gaun awa' doon for the pennywuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', an' +jist as I was gaun roond by the back o' the auld quarry--d'ye ken, I +aye said they should pit a palin' roond that place--here's a' the +bairns comin' up greetin,' an'--is that a gig comin' up the road? +That'll be the doctor's cairrage, I wager ye. I'll awa' doon an' see +what he says is wrang wi' um." + + +And that is all I ever heard about the "fearful accident." + + + + +BOYS + +'Boys will be boys'; it is a great pity, but it is an evil we have to +face. There is a great difference between the boys of last +generation and the present,--not in favour of the latter. They have +all the faults of their fathers, with new ones added. It is rather +hard on the men of to-day, that when they were boys they were +scarcely allowed to speak "in company," and now they never get a +chance if there is a boy present. + +With the improvement in education, the boy of to-day knows all about +everything, and he is eager to make his elders as wise as himself. I +have just had a week's experience with one of these walking +encyclopædias, and my head is a jumble of statistics, chemistry, and +general information, imparted from my nephew, who has been living +with us. The first night he came I thought I would interest him by +developing some photographs taken on a cycling tour. It did not +strike me at the time that being a boy of to-day he knew everything, +and I had at once to change the role of instructor for that of pupil. +I was just about to start explanations of the process, when he said, +"Yes, I know; Franky Scott in our class takes photographs; do you +prepare your own plates?" "No," I said, "I buy them." "Oh! you +could make them cheaper; I'll tell you how it is done. Nitrate of +silver and bromide of potassium throw a white precipitate on the +plate; the nitrate, being sensitive to light, receives a black +impression of anything thrown on it; and if you want to know any more +about it, I'll write to _The Boys Own Paper_." To preserve my +dignity I had to pretend that I knew all about it, but hadn't time to +prepare plates. I am sure, however, that before the week was over he +saw through me, and felt that if he only had me under his care for a +month or two he could make something of me. + +Two ladies, who had come from Ayr to see the Exhibition, called on +us, and in the course of conversation one asked when we were going to +visit them at Ayr. But before I could reply the "encyclopedia" said, +"Ayr, on the river of that name, celebrated in connection with +the----" + +"Hold your tongue," I broke in; but I heard him mumbling, "Poet +Burns; population 24,000." + +When they spoke of going to the Forth Bridge he set off again. "Its +greatest span is 1710 feet, height above water 361 feet, while its +total length is 2766½ yards." + +He seemed delighted when it was arranged that he should go to the +Exhibition with the ladies; and so was I, as I was not going. No +doubt he was thinking of the amount of information he could give +them, acting as guide; but he was rather crestfallen when he came +home and told me that he stupidly, at their request, took them to the +Women's Section, and could not get them out. He wanted to explain +dynamos to them. + +I remember when I was his age my ambition was to be an engine-driver, +but he says he would like to be a professor of chemistry. + +I think teachers nowadays make a mistake in adding logic to their +subjects for study; there is more than enough of it inherent in boys. +One night his mother was telling him how bad he had been, and asked +if he would try to be good. Of course he promised. + +"Well, will you begin to-morrow?" + +"Oh! that's awfully soon," he said. + +Ages may come and go, but boys will remain the same as far as +anything bad is concerned. Give a boy an apple, and he will not +enjoy it to the full till he finds another boy beside whom he can eat +it, the other boy's envy bringing out its full flavour. + +[Illustration: "DROPPING A COPPER INTO THE DISH OF A BLIND MAN" _By +Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._] + +The other day I was going to Glasgow; and having no desire to go via +Queensferry on the North British line, I went to the Caledonian +Station. As I had a few minutes to spare, I was looking through the +railings to the Lothian Road, when my attention was drawn to a boy +dropping a copper into the tin dish of a blind man who was reading +the Bible. The reading suddenly stopped; but before the man could +put his hand in the dish the penny was quietly withdrawn, dangling at +the end of a string. The operation was repeated, and the third trial +convinced the man that he was being "sold." "There he's coming +again!" said the boy. The man grasped a heavy stick, and just as a +minister was passing he received a firm broad cut across the middle +of his vest. As soon as he recovered he looked about for a policeman +to give the man in charge, but I hurried down and explained to him. +I may have been mistaken, but I thought I recognised him from a +sketch I had seen as one who had taken a prominent part in the +Queen's Park Demonstration, and I strangely seemed to forgive the +boy, who however had not waited for pardon. + +My nephew was not long in the house till he had examined everything, +and among other things he fished out an old album with a musical box +attached. I had put it aside some years ago as broken. "Put it out +of the way," I said, "it's useless." But this only added to his +curiosity: he took it to another room, and soon brought it back, +playing at a furious rate, as if glad at being released, and anxious +to make up for lost time. I hate musical boxes. One never knows +what they are playing, and, like boys, they seem anxious to exhibit +all they know. An explanation of what had been wrong was given to me +in a tone which showed my informant saw that mechanics was another +thing I knew little of. The disconnecting action of the swivel +had--something or another, I forget what; but all that was required +was--something else. I said I had never bothered about it, which was +quite true; but I am sure he felt I could not have mended it if I had +tried. + +The pace of the tunes gradually got slower, and what at first seemed +to be a hornpipe was now like a dead march. Then it seemed to be +going to sleep, and a note only came out now and then, and it slept, +but not for long; he had found that the key of the dining-room clock +fitted it, and he wound it up again. + +"Oh! take it away," I said; and he went off to the next room, but no +doors could keep out the sound. + +A happy thought occurred to me: I would give him a pistol to keep him +quiet. (When I was a boy I was the envy of all my companions, being +the possessor of a shilling muzzle-loader. But here was a +breech-loading Tranter: how much greater would be his delight!) I +called him and said, "There's a pistol and a box of cartridges; go +out to the garden and see if you can shoot a crow." I expected he +would receive it with delight, but he looked at it with the air of a +connoisseur and said, "Franky Scott has a pin-fire." I explained +that this was a later and better invention, and he seemed pleased +that he would be able to "take the bounce" out of Franky Scott when +he saw him. He seemed to be having good sport, judging by the number +of shots he was firing, and it was not much of an improvement on the +musical box. When he came in to dinner he said it was a "stunner." +He did not shoot well at first, but after a little he could strike +the label on a box, and some of the bullets went right through. + +A horrible suspicion came across me, and I rushed to the back garden, +hoping I was wrong; but I wasn't. (One day, in going through the +Exhibition, I was induced to taste a celebrated blend of whisky. I +had praised it, of course, and could not go away without ordering a +case, and it was taken outside to be unpacked.) I got a hammer and +chisel, and injured several fingers in my hurry to see the extent of +the damage. The man had told me there was not a headache in the +case; and he was right,--there was a little in the bottom of one or +two bottles. + +Of course the boy was sorry, but not for long. "Talking of whisky," +he said, "d'ye know there's four times more alcohol in absinthe? +Sulphate of iron is mixed with it, and that's what gives it the +semi-opaque look when mixed with water." + +The ladies were at dinner with us, and one was praising the chutney. +"That's the real Indian stuff," she said. "Mrs. Hood, a friend of +ours, tried to make it, but it was a failure." + +Of course the boy knew all about it. "I know how it would be: she +would use apples instead of the Indian mangel, and it would be too +sweet." + +"How do you know?" I asked. + +"Because Franky Scott--that's a boy in our class----" + +"That'll do." + +"Well, his father----" + +"Now, hold your tongue"; and I was pleased to think that Franky Scott +would have the pride taken out of him about that pistol. + + +After all, I daresay my nephew is good enough as boys go. But then, +look how boys go! + + + + +AN AMATEUR COOK + +I wonder if any man is as clever as he imagines himself. I know I +have not the confidence in myself I had a month ago as an amateur +cook. I think it was my friend Davidson who first put the idea in my +head to try my hand at cooking. The way he would describe the +cooking of steaks on his yacht would make any one's mouth water, and +it seemed to be always steaks they had. I asked him how he learned +to cook, and he gave me the secret in one lesson. He said, "You just +use plenty butter; that's how women can't cook properly: they grudge +butter." It is five or six years since he first told me about his +wonderful powers as a cook, and every time he has repeated his +achievements--which has not been seldom--I have longed for an +opportunity to distinguish myself, possessed as I was with the key to +cooking. Davidson always got quite enthusiastic on this subject. He +would say, "Man, when it was my turn, the fellows could hardly be +kept on deck after the onions began to brown and the smell went up; +and the doctor used to stand with a big rolling-pin to keep Jamie and +the rest of them back, and every minute they would be crying down +that it would do fine." + +I don't know anything about yachting, and any time I have been over +two hours at sea I had no taste for food. I always had more than I +wanted. I remember going to Dublin, and at breakfast a tureen of ham +and eggs was placed beside me, but by the time I had helped the +company I had to go on deck and admire the prospect. An idea +occurred to me, however, to get some companions to join me on a +holiday with a caravan. "I would attend to the cooking," I said; but +I never got any one to agree. I believe now if I had promoted each +one to the office of cook I would have been successful, for I think +every man--who has not tried it--is sure he is a born cook. + +"Everything comes to him who waits"; and I got an opportunity to try +my skill last month. + +It came about in this way: we had taken a house in the country for +August; and as the date approached, I found that business would +prevent me from getting away for about a week. "But that need not +prevent you and the girls from going," I said to my wife. "There's +no use of having the house empty." + +"But what will you do for food?" she said. + +"Oh! I can easily make my breakfast, and I can dine at the club if +necessary." + +After some talking, I got them persuaded to leave me. + +"Well," said my wife, "I must tell you where the things are. The tea +is in a japanned box on the kitchen dresser. You put in a +teaspoonful for yourself and a spoonful to the teapot." I wondered +why the teapot should have equal shares with me, but said nothing, as +Davidson had not said anything about tea. + +"There's cold meat in the pantry, and some tongue and sausages, and +I'll leave word at the dairy about the cream. Oh! and the coffee is +in a tin on the top of the kitchen fireplace; put in two +tablespoonfuls, and boil a breakfast-cup of milk. You'll get clean +underclothing in the second drawer of the wardrobe, and shirts in the +drawer above, and the collars in the middle drawer of the +dressing-table." + +There were several more injunctions thrown away on me, for my mind +was on the cooking of a steak, and I fancied I could smell fried +onions. + +When I came home the first night I tried to persuade myself that I +rather liked the hollow, echoing sound of my footsteps in the lobby. +The house had a dismal appearance; the furniture was rolled up in +sheets. However, I had the consolation of being able to smoke in +rooms hitherto prohibited. I could not hurt the curtains,--they were +down; and I could not expectorate on the carpet,--it was up; but I +could put my feet on the mantelpiece,--it was left: so were the marks +of my boots. I tried to read, but the stillness of the house was +oppressive, so I went to the club to get some one to speak to. + +When I returned, the house seemed more deserted than before. I +wasn't afraid to sleep in the house by myself, but, just for the fun +of the thing, I looked under the beds, but there was no one there, as +of course I knew. + +I intended rising an hour earlier than usual to make breakfast, and +was wakened by the bell ringing, but fell asleep. I think it was the +bell which wakened me again, and I rose and, after dressing, started +to light the fire. It was not till after considerable rummaging that +I found the firewood, and it was a good while longer before I could +get it to burn. I must have used at least half a dozen newspapers +before the wood took fire; and as I had not time to wait on the coal +burning, I used several bundles of sticks. The coffee wasn't a +success. I had put in three times as much water as was necessary, +and it was the colour of beer. I couldn't find the milk,--at least +not then; but I found it when I was hurrying out, knocking it over +with my foot. It had been laid at the door with the morning paper on +the top of it, and I left a stream meandering down the steps. + +On my way along the street I fancied I was being looked at more than +was necessary, and found, by a mirror in a shop window, that my face +was peculiarly tattooed with black marks through using my hands for a +handkerchief while sweating over the fire. + +My great success--the steak--was yet to come off. I would have it +for supper, and went into a butcher's shop for it on the way home. I +had never been in a butcher's before, and did not know what to ask +for. I said, "A piece of beef, please." + +"Yes, sir; where off, sir?" + +I am not up in the anatomy of the cow, so I said, "Oh! the place you +make steaks of." + +"Yes, sir; how much shall I give you, sir?" + +A waiter would have known, and gone off shouting "Steak one," but I +had to indicate the size with my hands. I didn't like the way he +handled the meat,--he did not use a fork. + +"Can I send it for you, sir?" + +"Oh no," I said, "I'll take it with me." + +He wrapped it in a piece of old newspaper, and I nearly let it drop +when I got it in my hand, it was so damp and flabby, like carrying a +frog by the middle. There was no use trying to persuade myself that +people would think it was a bunch of flowers; it was hanging limp +down each side of my hand, and I had not gone far till the blood +oozed through the paper. I felt like a cannibal. Of course the fire +was to light again; and as I did not like the kitchen range, I lit +the dining-room fire. + +I think Davidson would make a capital recruiting sergeant, he is so +good at showing the bright side of things: he never alluded to the +difficulty and pain connected with slicing onions. After getting the +outer coat off I had to hold the onion at arm's length, my eyes were +nipping so badly; then they are so slippery inside that it is almost +impossible to keep a hold while cutting off a slice. Sometimes the +knife went down with a bang on the table, and the onion would shoot +out of my hand to the floor. + +The fire had plenty of time to burn up before the operation was +concluded, and I was now ready for my great triumph. There was a +very disagreeable feeling in unfolding the steak,--it felt so dead; +but I dug a fork in it and landed it in the pan. I had no +compunction about the onions; they had made me suffer. + +There is a sort of musical sound in the fritter from a pan; and I +waited for the tempting smell, but it was not what I expected. It +brought to mind the days of my boyhood when I was in a smithy and a +hot shoe was being applied to a horse's foot. Hang it! the butter. +"Where on earth is the butter?" I searched all the presses for it, +and at last found it on the table beside me. I quickly put in a +large piece, and in a second the fire blazed up the chimney. The +confounded pan was leaking, and I had not noticed it at first. + +[Illustration: "THE CONFOUNDED PAN WAS LEAKING, AND I HAD NOT NOTICED +IT" _By J. A. Ford_] + +The steak was ruined: one side was like charcoal, and the other quite +raw. It was annoying. If I only had another steak and another pan, +and some one to slice the onions, I could now do it all right. As it +was, I had to wash myself and hurry out of the house to get away from +the smell. + +The next morning I made my final attempt at cooking. I remembered +about the milk, and took it and the paper in, reading the news while +the milk boiled. It took so long that I forgot about it, till it +suddenly boiled over, and the grate and the fender were in a fearful +mess, and the fire nearly out, before I could lift it off. + +I remembered, now it was too late, that I was to be careful not to +allow the milk to boil, but the thought of the steak had put +everything else out of my head. I gave it up in despair, and +breakfasted at the club. I think Davidson has been drawing on my +credulity: there is more than butter in cooking. + +That night I thought I would go to another bedroom, as my bed +required making; and it was not till I had screwed out the gas and +jumped in that I found there were no blankets. I couldn't find +matches, and had to grope my way to my own room, knocking my toes +several times on the way; and when I did get into my own bed, I had +great difficulty in arranging the blankets to cover my feet and +shoulders simultaneously. + +I have often noticed that creaky doors seem to wait till one gets +warm in bed before they begin, and I have as often made up my mind +that it is best to get up at the first creak and go to sleep, and as +often I have not acted up to my resolution. I was just cozy when a +door started to serenade me--"cre-a-k, bump." + +"Another creak," I thought, "and I'll get up." I waited, and had the +encore. "I'll give it another chance; it's a pity to get up, as I +might not get the blankets arranged again." I gave it several more +chances, and it took every one. I seemed to bump against everything +in the house when I got up. Before I could find out the creaker I +stood shivering in the lobby, but there was not a sound. However, +now that I was up, I determined to find it out. At last it betrayed +itself, and I secured it. I had no idea now where I was, and got +myself badly bruised before getting to my room; and I locked the door +next morning, and took a room in the club. + +When I did go to the country I never enjoyed myself less. I felt +like a culprit whose crime was soon to be discovered. I would hear +more about it on our return; but I did not expect to hear so much +about it as I did. I had no idea I had done so much damage. + +"You have broken three cups of the marriage set--a present from +mamma. I wouldn't have had them broken for the world; they can't be +replaced. You have scratched the mantelpiece with your boots, and it +will never look decent again: and, I declare! if you have not been +cooking on the dining-room fire, and ruined the grate and fender. +And the girl tells me you have cracked the stewing-pan. I might have +known better than leave a man in the house: there's not a clean dish +in the house, and--oh! this is too bad; look at the +tablecloth--spoiled!" I looked at it, and it was not attractive, I +must admit--there were rings of soot on it from the coffee-pot, and a +variety of stains. + +I brought philosophy to bear on the subject, and said, "Well, there's +no use crying over spilt milk." + +"But it's not milk--it's coffee, and wine, and soot," replied my +wife, "and it will never come out." But it only shows, as I had +often thought, that women have no philosophy. + + +However, I shall never try cooking again, one reason being that I +shall not be allowed. + + + + +M'CRANKYS AT A PARTY + +"Mr. and Mrs. Gibson at home, Friday 17th," Mrs. M'Cranky read from +an invitation card she received by the morning post. + +"Where have they been?" said M'Cranky, looking up from his Scotsman. + +"It's an invitation for us, dear, and we'll have to go, because we've +promised for a long time to call on them, and the dress I got for +Annie's marriage will do nicely with a little----" + +"Humbug! If there's anything worse than the worry of having a party +at home, it's having to go out to one, getting into cold clothes when +one is just feeling comfortable after dinner, and being expected to +keep up a continual smile for four or five hours; and then, when +we're leaving, thank the people for a very pleasant evening when +we've just been dying to get home for a smoke. You just write and +say that----" + +"No, dear, I can't say that; we must go, for Mrs. Gibson's expecting +us, and I said we were not engaged." + +"How on earth could you say that when you've just this minute got the +invitation?" + +"I met Mrs. Gibson the other day, and she told me she was going to +invite us, and hoped we would be able to come; and I said we would be +very happy, and I knew you were not engaged." + +"And if you accepted the invitation, what's the use of her writing?" + +"Oh, that doesn't count, you know; and she told me they were getting +a neat card printed, and of course she would want me to see it; and +I've to go down the night before to show her how to make a cream I +got the recipe for from Aggie, and I've to tell her how the Gray's +table was laid out, for she heard it was very much admired: so it +would never do not to go." + +"I see; it's all settled before you get the invitation. Well, mind +you will leave at eleven." + +"Whenever you like, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky, knowing that if he got +seated at whist he would not be in a hurry to leave. + + +"Will you take lunch at the club to-day, dear?" said Mrs. M'Cranky on +the morning of the 17th, "and I'll just take something light at home." + +"What's up now? There's no use turning up the house, for we'll be +going away soon, and last year when you had the painters in you said +you wouldn't require----" + +"I'm not going to touch the house, dear. This is the night of +Gibson's party, and there's to be a nice supper. I was down last +night helping her, and I've ordered the cab for half-past seven, for +I've to see how the table looks." + +Mr. M'Cranky kept up a fusillade of grumbling while dressing, but +Mrs. M'Cranky was too excited to take any notice; and when the cab +had deposited them at the door Mr. M'Cranky said to the driver, +"Eleven o'clock." "Right, sir," said Jehu. Mrs. M'Cranky had left +word at the office that they were to be called for at one o'clock, so +she pretended to look inside the cab to see if she had left anything; +and while M'Cranky was going up the steps she said to the driver, +"You understand," and he replied with a knowing look, "All right, +mum." + +As they were about the first to arrive, the time was occupied by +looking over the albums, with explanations by Mr. Gibson as to who +the photographs represented, with the relationship between the young +lady on the present page and the old gentleman two leaves back, which +seemed to be of great interest to the spectators. Then there were +the curiosities to be shown. "This," said Mr. Gibson, lifting a +fusty-looking thing from a bracket, "is a spider's nest, sent by my +son Tom from Queensland. He is in a bank there, and getting on very +well. He's engaged to that young lady I showed you the photograph +of"; and as he threatened to produce the album again, the gentlemen +all said they remembered--"Nice-looking lady." + +"This is a carved box Jim, my eldest son, sent from India,--beautiful +carving. I got a paper from him the other day with an account of a +concert he had been performing at. I wonder if I could lay my hands +on it! Oh yes, here it is," said he, producing it from where he had +carefully laid it a few minutes before. "My family are all musical," +he continued. "You'll hear my girl to-night; she plays the violin, +and is getting on very well, I believe. She is to perform at a +Primrose League meeting to-morrow night." + +As this was said as if to convey an idea of the esteem in which she +was held as a violinist, the gentlemen said "Oh!" or "Indeed!" There +were occasional painful pauses in the conversation, for, though the +gentlemen had been introduced, no one could have told another's name; +and each seemed to wait for the others to begin, till one ventured to +start abusing the weather, and our unfortunate climate was subjected +to a prolonged and severe criticism. + +"Any of you gentlemen care for a hand at whist?" the host asked. And +when some said they "didn't mind," and others that they would be +"very pleased," he said, "I think we could manage two sets." Of +course the ladies had to be asked, and they expressed their +willingness, but said they could not play very well. + +The two tables were placed very close to each other, as there was not +much room. The gentlemen apparently looked on the game as a very +serious affair, and the ladies regarded it lightly and as a secondary +matter. The cards were just dealt, and play about to begin, when +Mrs. Gibson came across the room and whispered something to her +husband, who said, "'M? Oh yes, we're to have a violin duet from Mr. +Morrison and Miss Gibson." + +Conversation was immediately suspended, and about ten minutes spent +in preparation: the violin cases were brought in, and the instruments +carefully unpacked; then patent folding stands were produced and +arranged; a few minutes more were spent looking over the music and +selecting a piece; the young lady who was to play the accompaniment +was handed her share, which did not count in the performance, +although it turned out that she had most to do. She had evidently +been rehearsing with them, for she at once sounded "A," and the +violinists commenced tuning, by putting their instruments out of tune +and then making them right. The pianiste had about a page to play +before the violins came in, but the young lady and gentleman managed +to fill in the time by stuffing handkerchiefs into their necks, and +seeing that the varnish on the back of the violins was all right. It +was evidently a handicap, for Mr. Morrison gave Miss Gibson a start +of three bars; but any one could see that he had her in hand, for he +passed her about the sixth hurdle--so to speak--and waited on. And +after a scramble home, Miss Gibson was allowed to win by a neck. + +Whist was at once started, but the long silence was too much for the +ladies. "How d'ye do?" said one, recognising a friend at the next +table; "I did not notice you come in." + +"No, we were rather late. My husband is very busy just now, and we +could not get away any sooner; and I----" + +"It's you to play," said Mr. M'Cranky, who was annoyed at having to +play with ladies, and impatient to begin, as he had a good hand. He +had managed to say quietly to his opponent during the duet, "Do you +care to have a modest sixpence on?" and the gentleman had agreed; and +when he added "Shilling rub?" he had got a nod of assent. So he was +now eager for the fray. + +"We're waiting on you, mum," he said to his partner. + +"Oh, I beg pardon; are diamonds trump?" + +"No, clubs are trump, and diamonds are led." + +"Oh yes, I haven't got my hand arranged. That was a very nice duet. +Miss Gibson plays remarkably well, and only been about a year at it, +I believe. I was advising Mrs. Gibson to send her to Germany. I +believe the----" + +"Your smallest diamond, please." + +"I beg pardon; trump is led!" + +"No, clubs are trump. Just put down a small diamond," said M'Cranky, +who held the ace and king. + +The lady seemed to feel she had done her duty when she followed the +instructions given, and, without waiting to see the result, turned to +her friend at the next table and said, "Did you see Miss Young at +church on Sunday? I thought she wasn't looking very well." + +"Oh, she's always pale, you know," her friend replied. "I don't +think there's anything wrong with her." + +"Ah, I don't think she is very strong. Her mother should----" + +"We're waiting on you, mum," said M'Cranky, with ill-concealed +displeasure. "I took that trick with the king, and led a small +trump," and he put an emphasis on "king," which was entirely lost on +his partner. + +"What should I play, then? I've a nice one here, but I'm afraid it +will be taken." + +"Never mind, third in hand; play your best." + +"But it's not the best; there are two better than it." + +"Oh, you mustn't tell your hand," the opposing gentlemen said. +"Whist, you know." + +"I'm sure I never mentioned a card." + +The play had not proceeded far in this fashion when Miss Gibson was +announced to give a reading, and the game had to be stopped while +that lady gave a thrilling recitation of the "Life-boat," making +great use of her eyes and eyebrows, after the style of Irving. When +it was finished there was some doubt as to who was to lead, one +saying, "It's me to lead; don't you remember I took your knave, +and----" + +"No, no; that was the trick before. I trumped the last trick." + +The game finished by M'Cranky having three tricks, and informing his +partner that they would have been game if she had not trumped his +knave of clubs, which was "the best in the house." But she was quite +delighted with the result. + +After the first game the ladies seemed to think they had had enough +of it, and resigned their positions in favour of the gentlemen, whose +play, conducted on more scientific principles, was interspersed with +violin solos or recitations by Miss Gibson, the latter being of a +sufficiently tragic nature to give scope to her facial and vocal +expression. One was about a level-crossing,--a fruitful subject for +the reciter. There are several recitations on this topic, and they +have all the same tragic end: a little girl gathering primroses, +which grow so plentifully between the rails, is about to be run over +by the down express, when Joe or Jim--both drunkards--rushes down the +bank and saves her life at the expense of his own; and there is as +much sameness in the treatment as in the subject, the first line +being in this style: "Not heerd o' Jim? Well, I'll tell ye, lads." + +Mr. M'Cranky left the card table rather reluctantly shortly after one +o'clock; and though he had a long smoke when he got home, he was +first in bed, leaving Mrs. M'Cranky looking at herself in the +wardrobe mirror as if preparing to go out. + +"I wonder when it's coming off," she said, giving expression to her +thoughts. + +"That's just what I'm thinking," said M'Cranky. + +"How strange, dear, we should think of the same thing; but I don't +know how he'll be able to keep a wife." + +"What are you talking about?" + +"Mr. Morrison and Miss Gibson. Wasn't it their marriage you were +thinking of?" + +"No; it was your dress. Are they to be married?" + +"Of course, that was what the party was for." + +"Who told you?" + +"Nobody; but any one with half an eye could see it. You men never +can see anything." + +"That was a fearful duffer I had for a partner at whist--lost nearly +every game. Who is he?" + +"He's in a bank in St. Andrew Square--a good position--and lives in a +fine house at Murray field." + +"How do you know?" + +"Because his wife said it was a long way for her husband to go in the +morning from Murrayfield to St. Andrew Square." + +"I see, and you fill in the details." + +"Oh, you men don't understand anything." + + + + + BURNS'S ANNIVERSARY & + THE MILDNESS of the SEASON + +Within the last few weeks, letters have been sent to the papers +giving various proofs of the mildness of the season, some containing +flowers which seem to have no right to be blooming at this time, and +others alluding to the appearance of lambs as if they were +sunflowers. I can, however, give an experience which, taken in +conjunction with the influenza epidemic, is a better proof of +mildness in the weather than all the parcels of premature flowers. + +My friend Mr. Stewart, an Ayrshire farmer, has for some years been +pressing me to pay him a visit, and I lately accepted his invitation +to have a week with the hounds. The week is extending, but I am not +allowed to leave, Stewart having always some excuse for delaying my +departure. "Ye canna gang on Monday," he said; "that's the nicht o' +the curlin' denner, an' I've got the tickets"; and so he lured me +from day to day like a will-o'-the-wisp. At last, when the week had +expanded to a fortnight, I determined to be firm and go. I had a +nice little speech arranged to thank my host for his great kindness +to me; and at night, when we were having our smoke and a glass of +toddy, I cleared my throat with that peculiar cough which is the +general precursor of a speech. But the cough seemed to put him on +the alert, for I had only got the length, "Well, Mr. Stewart, I've +enjoyed my visit very----," when he interrupted me by saying, "Noo, +nane o' that nonsense. Man, I wunner to hear ye; the hounds'll be +here on Wednesday, an' I've got tickets for the Burns nicht on +Friday, an'----." Then he seemed to think that was far enough to +make me look forward for the present, so he finished by saying "Ta!" +which might mean anything. + +My speech and fortitude vanished. I was as clay in the hands of the +potter. "Friday is not the anniversary of Burns's birthday," I said; +"it's Saturday." + +"Yes; but then, ye see, Saturday's an awkward nicht, an' Friday suits +better." + +Subsequent events showed me that the shortness of Saturday night was +its awkward point; and I may here say that the Ayrshire men can, and +do, stand a large quantity of whisky. And in this respect, feeling +myself like an amateur among professionals, I determined to be +careful on Friday night, and take nothing before going; and when I +make up my mind to anything, I am very determined. + +I was rather astonished when, about two o'clock on Friday, Stewart +said, "We'll better be off, then." + +"Why are you going so soon?" I inquired; "the meeting will not be +till night." + +"Ay, but we're to meet some o' the chaps at Maclean's to hae a bit +denner at fower, so we'll just tak' a bit tastin' an' set off." + +"How far is it to town?" I asked. + +"Better than three miles," he replied; and, looking back on our +return, my conviction is that it is considerably worse than three +miles. I remembered my determination to take nothing before going; +but Stewart had the "tastin'" poured out, so I took it, thinking I +would walk it off. We met about a dozen gentlemen at Maclean's, and +had a splendid dinner, and I had to revoke my decision in favour of +the wines set before us. + +"When do we meet?" I asked of the gentleman next me. + +"At eight," he replied. + +"And how can we be expected to dine again at eight?" + +He laughed, evidently at my simplicity. + +"We havena time for denner on a Burns night," he said. "The haggis +is just put round for the look o' the thing." + +I now understood more fully the awkwardness of a Saturday night. +Looking back on Friday night, I find my memory a little more vague +than usual: for instance, I should have mentioned that we made two +calls on the way to Maclean's. As we approached the town, Stewart +said, "This is Young's hoose; he's gaun; we'll just look in for him." + +"I was just on the look-out for ye," said that gentleman. + +[Illustration: THE BRIG O' DOON _By J. Marjoribanks Hay_] + +"Nothing for me, thank you," I said, seeing him lay down three +glasses, and remembering my determination. Mr. Young evidently did +not hear me; and when I saw him filling the third glass, I thought I +would just taste, as the people here are very touchy on the point of +hospitality. So I said, "That'll do for me, thank you; thanks, +thanks, thanks." By this time my glass was the same as the rest. So +I had to console myself by thinking I would be none the worse of it +after the journey. + +"We're to look in for Calder on the road," said Mr. Young. + +Calder was in his office, and after a few words he raised his +eyebrows with a look of interrogation, and pointed with his head in a +direction evidently understood by his companions, for Stewart, in +reply to the unasked question, said, "Oh, I don't know if it's worth +while." + +It was evidently thought worth while, however, for we proceeded to a +small room in the back of the premises, and Mr. Calder said, "Weel, +what is't to be, then?"--a stupid question I have noticed almost +invariably asked, as the answer is always the same: "Oh, just the +auld thing; it's the safest." + +"Help yersels, then," said Calder, "the time I'm putting on my coat." +Stewart assisted, asking us to "say when," and, perhaps through force +of habit, he addressed himself while taking his own allowance, as if +some one were giving him more than he wanted and he was +remonstrating. "Hoot-toot-toot!" he said, but he did not pour any +back. + +There was a very heavy toast-list to get through at the meeting, but +I don't remember much that was said. One thing I noticed, however, +was that every speaker gained frequent applause by finishing his +sentence with "Robbie Burns," or "Immortal Bard," or a quotation. +Another thing I observed was that the speakers had their speeches in +print, having got proofs from the local weekly paper, and these were +read as a schoolboy would an essay. Some had their speeches cut up +into parts the size of the toast-list, and might be supposed to be +only looking at it while reading their speeches; but one gentleman +made no attempt at deceit,--he simply rose with the long strip like +an old ballad, and started: "Mr. Chairman, Croupier, and Gentlemen, +in the too brief life of our immortal bard----Waiter, take the top +off that lamp. I can't see. Thank you; that's better. In the too +brief life," &c. Although I can't remember much that was said, I +must have paid great attention at the time, as I entirely forgot my +resolution. During the evening the secretary read a pile of +telegrams about two inches thick, and mostly in rhyme,--and good +rhyme too, and all the same rhyme, the rhythm being something like + + "Ta rumpy tumpy tump returns, + Ta rumpy tumpy Robbie Burns." + +There was one exception, which was greeted with great applause in +acknowledgment of the new vein the writer had struck. It was "Ta +rumpy tumpy tumpy turns" in the first line,--the second, of course, +being the same as the others. + +The meeting broke up about one in the morning, and as I was putting +on my topcoat I observed some waiters busy arranging tumblers, &c., +in the next room, and wondered what meeting there could be at that +hour. It was ourselves! A new chairman and croupier were elected, +and we began again. I don't know when this meeting broke up, for my +watch had stopped. It was a dark night, or morning rather, when +Stewart and I set out for home; and I should think we would be about +half-way when I grew very eloquent in praise of Burns, and I had just +finished what I thought a grand quotation, and was waiting for +Stewart's approbation, when I discovered I had lost him. This caused +me the greatest concern, for I thought he had taken what some people +would call "just plenty," and others "too much." So I immediately +sat down to look for him. I felt a little overcome; and though the +grass was damp and there was a cold wind whistling through the hedge, +I must have waited a considerable time without finding Stewart. So I +determined to go without him. I had gone about a mile, I should +imagine, and was thinking I must be near home, when I heard in the +distance a glee-party singing "We are na fou." As we approached I +heard the rumble of a trap, which turned out to contain some of the +party who had been detained by a second adjournment. They recognised +me in passing by the light of their lamps, and pulled up, asking +where I was going. I said, "To Brewlands," the name of Stewart's +place. I think they laughed, and told me I was going the wrong way, +and that if I had gone a little farther I would soon have been at the +hotel. I did not want them to know I was not aware of where I was +going, and explained I was looking for "Brewlands," the name Stewart +usually gets, as farmers are generally called by the name of their +farm. + +"Jump in," they said, "there's nae fear o' him; he can aye find his +way hame. We'll tak' ye up an' see if he has onything in the bottle." + +They were right. When we arrived at the farm we saw a light in the +dining-room, and Stewart, evidently hearing the sound of the wheels +on the gravel, came out, and when he found I was one of the company +he said, "Whaur hev ye been? Man, I was jist comin' oot to look for +ye. I didna miss ye till I was near hame, an' I thocht I wad jist +gang in for a lantern." + +He had evidently not had time to get the lantern, but I noticed he +had found time to take a dram, as the bottle was on the table, and a +tumbler with what appeared to be whisky and water in it. + +Stewart's version of the affair was quite different from mine. He +explained to the party that he was reciting some o' Robbie's fine +bits to me when he became aware that he wasn't, for I was not there. +"An' noo I think on't," he said, "I fancy I dae mind o' a sound like +you sittin' doon suddenly on the roadside." + +Feeling rather cold I thought I would be the better of a little +spirits, and being overcome I fell asleep in the arm-chair, while +Stewart and his companions began another adjournment. I must have +been completely worn-out with fatigue, for I don't remember getting +to bed. + +Breakfast was considerably later than usual next morning, and Mrs. +Stewart asked when we got home. I did not know what to say, but +Stewart did. He said, "It would be efter twelve, wouldn't it?" as if +we were not sure. I said in the most doubtful tone I could raise, "I +daresay it would." + + +I think there must be some truth in the proverb that there is a +special providence for children and a certain class of men, for +Stewart was quite fresh in spite of his exposure the previous night; +and if not to this cause, to the mildness of the season must be +ascribed his immunity from influenza. + + + + +JOHNNIE GIBB'S FUNERAL + +"Are ye in, Mrs. Broon?" + +"Ay, come awa' in, Mrs. Mitchell." + +"Eh no, I mannie come in," says Mrs. Mitchell, coming in all the +time, "for I've jist left my tatties on the fire, an' whaur there's +bairns, ye ken, yin's aye feared." + +"Ay, that's true. I'm jist washin' some peenies, for I declare when +ye hev a family ye need never sit doon." + +[Illustration: "I'M JUST WASHIN' SOME PEENIES" _By R. M'Gregor, +R.S.A._] + +"Ay, that's true. I dinna ken hoo some women aye manage to be at +their doors or in their neebors' hooses, for I can tell ye I never +devauld fae workin' fae mornin' to nicht; but I was jist thro win' +oot some dirty water the noo, an' I see they're getherin' for Johnnie +Gibb's funeral, puir man." + +"Ay! it's an awfu' thing that sudden death." + +"Eh, haud yer tongue, it is that; it's enough to kill a horse." + +"Ay, bit there's nae use tryin' to gang against Providence." + +"Eh no, especially wi' some o' they new-fashioned troubles." + +"Ay! but it'll mak' an awfu' difference in that hoose, for Mrs. +Gibb's a wumman o' this kind,--an' mind I'm no sayin' onything +against the wumman aither, for she's a guid enough wumman maybe, but +yin canna keep their een shut a'thegither an' no see that Johnnie +wusna attended to as he micht a' been." + +"Ay, that's true; as I often say to my man, 'Hoo wud ye like to hae +yer ain tea to mak' efter comin' in fae a hard day's wark?' I'm +share my man wudna dae't, an' I wudna ask um; but it disna look weel +to see a man plouterin' aboot an' dain' women's wark; an' we've heard +o' sic things,--atween you an' me, an' it's no gaun ony +farrer,--we've heard o' sic things as gettin' a gill fae the grocer, +an' tellin' um to mark it doon, 'Bread, sixpence.'" + +"Ay, Johnnie was a simple man, an' we shouldna say onything against +the corp ahint his back that we couldna say to his face; an' if he +could dae ye a guid turn, ye had jist to ask it. I'm share it's no a +fortnicht sin' my man was plantin' tatties in the back gairden, an' +Johnnie lookit ower the hedge, an' he never said onything but jist +'Try they,' an' he put six Dalmahoy earlies in my man's hand. Ay! +it's a lesson to us a'; as I aye say, If ye havena a guid word to say +o' onybody, 'od sake haud yer tongue,--there they're comin'! Wha's +that young man in the front?--that's no their auldest son Jamie, +is't? It's jist him; ay, my Alec telt me he met um comin' ower fae +the station this mornin' tryin' to talk English, an' him naething but +in a draper's shop. Says he, 'I could hardly get away this morning, +we're so thrang in our estaiblishment.' Ay, there's nae fear o' him +talkin' shop; an' see what a graund hat he's got, an nae weepers +on't, an' him the corp's son; an' black kid gloves tae, instead o' +white cotton yins; an' see what a grand coffin they've got tae,--they +mun get it oot o' Edinburgh, as if Wull Binnie couldna mak' them a +guid enough yin. I can tell ye, the yin he made to me when my +grandfaither deid was as guid a coffin as a man need pit on his back, +a' covered ower wi' big brass-heided nails like a jail door; an' +she's gaun to gie them a graund denner tae when they come back, mair +like a mairrage than a funeral. She was ower to me for the len' o' +hauf-a-dizzen knives an' forks an' as mony spoons, an' a' among the +neebors tae for a cruet-stand; dash't, d'ye ken, when she cam' to me +I didna ken what she meant, so I says, 'Eh I'm rale sorry, but I doot +mines is ower sair torn.' + +"'A cruet-stand,' says she, 'for haudin' mustard an' catshup, ye ken." + +"'Oh! a cruet-stand,' says I, pretendin' I hadna heard her; 'eh no, I +never had onything that way bit a pepper-an'-saut dish.'--Hev ye seen +her new murnin' goon an' weedy's kep?" + +"That wad be the bundle Jamie brocht oot ablow his oxter; I was +wonderin' what it was. Weel, I'm share she micht a' gien Maggie +Simpson the job to mak' it; though maybe Maggie's better athoot it, +an' couldna wait lang enough for her siller. I declare there she's +comin' ower to show aff her graund new frock.--Come awa' in, Mrs. +Gibb; we wus jist sayin' hoo sorry oo wus for ye, an' what a +consolation it wud be to ye to see sic a wiselike turn-oot at the +funeral." + +"Ay! it's a sad day for me. Hoo d'ye like my frock? Jamie brocht it +oot; rale mindfu' o' um, wasn't it?" + +"Eh ay, it jist looks as if it had been made for ye; it's easy seen +it's no Maggie Simpson's dain'. I'm share it's just spoilin' guid +cloth to gie her a goon to mak'." + +"I've jist come in to see if ye wad len' me yer tureen for the soup." + +"Oh ay; John keeps his nails an' things in't, but I'll gie't a bit +dicht oot for ye." + +So away went Mrs. Gibb, saying to herself, "Haverin' bodies! nae doot +they've been speakin' aboot me." + +And Mrs. Mitchell said, "I mun awa' tae for I've jist left my tatties +on the fire; that's the warst o' gaun to Mrs. Broon's hoose,--there's +nae gettin' oot o't." + +And Mrs. Brown said to herself, "Thank guidness, that's Mrs. Mitchell +awa' at last; there that graith cauld. I thocht I'd never see her +back,--bletherin' besom." + + + + +SPRING CLEANING + + "Now spring returns, but not to me return + The vernal joys." + + +I wonder if the poet's wife had an attack of cleaning fever when he +composed the above sentiment; if so, I can feel with him, as no doubt +most householders can at present. I thought our house was in +first-rate order, but my wife said I knew perfectly well it was in a +filthy state, and that most of the rooms required papering. It seems +she had called on a neighbour, and found the house handed over to the +painters. So, not to be outdone in this respect, she went straight +to the landlord and wrestled with him, as did Jacob of old, the +blessing going the length of papering the drawing-room and lobby. I +knew nothing of this till yesterday morning, when I heard whistling, +which I rightly judged to be too good to emanate from our domestic. +It was the painters; they make themselves at home wherever they go. +On emerging into the lobby, I found it heaped up with furniture, and +to get to the bathroom I had to traverse three sides of a square. I +enjoy my morning ablution, especially at this season, and was +consequently annoyed to find the bath heaped up with pictures, &c.; +in fact, every part of the house seemed crowded with furniture. + +After dressing, I thought I would look into the drawing-room to see +what was being done, but on approaching the door I heard "three," +"pass three," and looking through the keyhole I saw the painters +sitting astride a plank playing "nap." I turned the handle, but +found the door was barricaded by a pair of steps being placed against +it, another pair, connected with a plank, being at the far side of +the room. I shouted through the door that it was "all right," and +went away to get breakfast, but found the dining-room empty, with the +exception of the girl, who said, "If ye please, yer to take yer +breakfast in yer ain room." She had a strange get-up. Her head was +in the Arabian style, wound up in a red handkerchief, and her apron +was made out of a sack with an announcement on it about somebody's +dog biscuits. Breakfast was set on a little gipsy table, and I had +hardly got started when I noticed the _Scotsman_; and, wishing to see +what number had visited the Exhibition and how the voting had gone in +the Assembly, I half rose to reach for the paper, when my knee caught +the table and landed the contents on the floor. I tried to explain +how easily a three-legged table was upset, but my wife said she had +told me often not to read at breakfast. She could never get a word +out of me when I got a paper in my hand. + +I had to get out of the house sideways, by a step known in military +tactics as "right close," wedging myself past piles of chairs dressed +in white pinafores trimmed with red braid. I did not think the house +could have held so much furniture; it looked like an auctioneer's +store-room. + +On returning to dinner I was told there was not much, as there had +been little time to cook. The gipsy table was again in requisition; +but as it was too small to hold the various items, a couple of chairs +were used as sideboards. When we were at dessert the girl entered +and said, "Gif ye please, the wumman says she aye gets a little +speerits." + +"What woman says that?" I asked. + +"It's the widow, dear, who is washing the floors," my wife explained. + +It seems strange that it is always widows who do that sort of work, +and strange that they and ministers always call a glass of whisky "a +little spirits." I suppose it does not sound so bad, though it +sounds ungrammatical. One would think it should be "a little +spirit," though perhaps that is ambiguous; but those who call soup or +porridge "them" might as well say "a few spirits," though perhaps +that expression is misleading too, and might turn the thoughts to +those who entered the herd of swine. + +After dinner I was shown a book of patterns for wall-paper. "This is +what I was thinking of for the drawing-room," said my wife, showing +me one with an elaborate design; "or this," a much quieter pattern. +I said I preferred the quiet one, but was told the other was more +expensive, and the landlord was to pay for it, which seemed +unanswerable logic from a woman's point of view. As we could not +come to an agreement about it, we voted; but as the votes were +equal--one on each side--my wife threw in her casting vote in favour +of the expensive pattern. + +I can't help feeling that I am worse than useless in the house at +present. I am positively in the way,--something to be tolerated, +which is rather humiliating for one who should be the head of the +house; and, what makes matters worse, my wife and the girl are extra +friendly, and talk over their plans, completely ignoring me, unless +it is to ask me to balance myself on the chimney-piece and hand down +a large picture. What a fine time of it landlords would have if men +were masters of their own houses! I used to do all that was required +for the house at my own expense when I was a bachelor, though I don't +remember doing anything. + +There is a fearful smell in the house just now, and my wife is +astonished that I do not like it. It smells to me like the stuff I +use for rheumatism; it is furniture polish, and women seem to revel +in it. Sometimes the aroma is changed to ammonia or spirit of salt; +but the blends are all sickening to me, and it permeates the house to +such an extent as to make everything one eats seem flavoured with it. +I am quite lame with bruising my legs on fenders, &c., which stick +out in all unexpected places; and as I couldn't get a comfortable +seat in the house I sauntered along to the club, where I met Watson, +and was narrating my troubles to him, when he said, "Oh, man, they're +all the same just now,"--meaning women. "I'll tell you what," he +continued confidentially; "what do you say to a few days fishing?" I +thought it a first-rate idea, but did not know what my wife would +say, as the last time I went with Watson I stupidly left the hotel +bill in my pocket; but my wife didn't, and told me I should be +ashamed, as there was more for beer and whisky than for our food, and +she could have got a bonnet or something with half of what I had, +what she termed, "thrown away on drink." I told Watson I would +see--with the mental reservation, my wife--and let him know in the +morning. Watson seemed to be reading my thoughts, for he said, +"They'll be glad to get rid of you at home." + +[Illustration: TWO HAPPY HUSBANDS _By R. B. Nisbet, R.S.A._] + +I did not think my wife would have cared to let me go again with +Watson, for she thinks he makes me drink more than I otherwise would, +and I know Watson's wife thinks I lead her husband astray in the same +manner; but to my surprise there was no objection offered. On the +contrary, I was told that I would be the better of a rest. I may be +wrong, but I felt that it was said in a tone which implied, "Thank +goodness, we'll get rid of him, and then we won't have to bother +about dinner." At any rate we're both pleased, and there will be two +happy husbands enjoying fresh air, and two insanely happy wives +revelling in turpentine and bathbrick to-morrow. + +Watson gave me a tip which I must not forget: he said, "Mind, when +you go home, to take notice of the great improvements, though you +won't see any difference." And another thing I must mind, is to burn +the hotel bill. + + + + +A MARRIAGE + +It is strange, that with all the facilities for marriage of recent +years the young man of the period is getting more difficult to tempt. +He can get married for half-a-crown, but he can hardly be induced to +get married for anything. Up till last generation a marriage in a +family meant a dancing and rejoicing till long past the small +hours,--it is now compressed into a sort of five-o'clock tea; and one +can have sympathy for the old man who said, "I dinna care for yer +new-fangled mairrages. Gie me an auld Scotch funeral." One of this +sort told me on his return that I had made a great mistake in not +going. "It's the best funeral I've been at this lang time,--as much +as ye could pit yer haun' tae." The village grocer had died, and I, +as a summer visitor, had been invited. + +I do not, as a rule, care for being present at either ceremony, but +had accepted an invitation to a marriage the other day; and as I am +not famous for punctuality, various friends wrote reminding me that +the hour was 2.30 sharp, so I determined to surprise them by being in +time, allowing myself half an hour to go from Haymarket Station to +Newington. Happening to notice a train at the platform, I rushed +downstairs without taking time to get a ticket in case I should miss +it, and thinking it would be quicker and cheaper than a cab. I sat +fully ten minutes beside two gentlemen, who seemed as impatient as +myself, judging by the number of times they looked at their watches. +"We'll never catch it," said one. I knew I would catch it if I +stayed any longer, and asked a passing guard when the train was to +start. "As soon as the signal's down," he said. + +I had still about a quarter of an hour to spare, so I got out and +took a car along Princes Street. The car was full, but that was no +concern of the driver's. He stopped for every lady who hailed him; +and after the conductor had explained to each one that the car was +full, and that he was not going her way at any rate, and when she +would get a car, and that she would know it was for Portobello by the +name on the notice-board, we proceeded. By the time we got to +Frederick Street my patience and time were about exhausted, and I now +saw the folly of not walking, as I had originally intended. + +I was despairing of being in time, but got a hansom, trusting to the +ceremony being a little late, paying the driver on the way in order +to save time, and the moment he drew up I hurried into the house. + +I am rather absent-minded; and when the girl showed me to the room, I +felt the driver had put me down at the wrong number. I had been too +hurried to notice it, and had evidently come to a house where a +funeral company had met. The girl had that "don't-make-a-noise" sort +of air about her. She pointed, Quaker-like, to where I was to +deposit my hat, and then opened the room door quietly. I entered on +tip-toe, and was confirmed in my surmise. The company were standing +round the room looking at the carpet. I noticed a vacant place, and +took it, placing my hands at my back like the others, and helping to +do the carpet-staring, all the time wondering what I should do. I +should explain my mistake and retire, but I did not like to break the +silence. My thoughts were broken by a friend coming over and shaking +hands, and I was glad to recognise him, as I knew he was to be at the +marriage too. "What are we to do?" I asked, hoping he would see a +way out of the difficulty and the house. "You should shake hands +with the hostess," he said, pointing at my back. I turned and saw a +group of ladies, and was glad to find I was in the right house. + +The bride was just expected in, hence the silence. She came in +leaning on her father's arm, looking very pale, and trembling as if +she was being led to execution; but her father did not seem to care +much, and I noticed as he passed that his tie was creeping up the +back of his head, but had been brought to a halt by his ears. I +sympathised with him, as I often wear mine there. I envy men who are +always tidy about the neck, and have bought every patent I have seen, +but can't keep my ties in subjection. The bow of a dress-tie will +not remain in the centre, but if I allow it to nestle under my ear it +will remain there all right. The ladies tell me I should get a wife, +but I shall try some more patents first. I have been asked by ladies +several times since the marriage what the bride had on, and they seem +annoyed that all I can remember is that she wore a large white +bouquet. That tie occupied too much of my attention, with the +maker's name on a label just over the bump of philo-progenitiveness. + +The bridesmaids followed in the procession, and then the minister, +with papers in his hand, like the warrant for execution. After the +principal parties had got into position, the minister began in deep +tones, "We are met on this solemn occasion" (all the company seemed +to feel it, for they still looked at the carpet as if they had +dropped a pin and could not be happy till they found it), and +concluded by asking if any of the company objected to the marriage. +There being no objections, he then asked the bride and bridegroom if +they were willing to take each other as they stood, as if he didn't +know that was why he was there. During the ceremony the bride was +sobbing, and perhap she thought she wanted to back out of it. I +don't understand what she was crying about, as I happen to know she +had been looking forward to the marriage for two years. The couple, +having assented to the marriage, were told to join hands; and here a +slight hitch occurred which I have noticed before at marriages. The +bride and bridegroom had on gloves, and both seemed too nervous to be +able to take them off themselves, and had to get it done for them. + +I thought it stupid of them wearing gloves indoors, and said so to +the person next me; but he said, "They must wear gloves, because the +groomsman and bridesmaid have to take them off." "But why?" I asked. +"Just because it's always done," he replied in a tone which seemed +conclusive. + +I now remembered that the gentleman who shook hands with me on +entering had on gloves, and I had asked him if he had a sore hand; +and I now observed that all the guests wore gloves, and seemed +uncomfortable in them, as if they did not fit about the joints, and +that they appeared to be greatly relieved when the cake and wine were +passed round and they could take them off. Everyone seemed to think +they could now change their funereal face for a more natural one, and +the bride was passed round to be kissed. She was quite bright now, +though there were still two little diamond tears trembling on her +eyelids. + +The minister was asked to take a refreshment, but said "No; the bread +I will take, but the wine I will not touch." I thought he might have +had sense enough to know the difference between bride's cake and +bread, and wondered if he refused the wine thinking it might be of +the kind supplied at sacraments. As soon as the minister left, the +company indulged in a general clatter. It must be nice to be a +minister, and know you are awing the company with your presence. And +yet I don't know: I believe I would as soon remain as I am, and +receive the friendly slap on the shoulder, and hear the informal +words, "Hullo! old man, what a' ye gonny have?" + +The bridegroom replied briefly to his toast, as the brougham was +waiting to take his bride and him to the station, and of course he +managed to say "My wife and myself," as if it were an old affair; and +the conclusion of the speech seemed to be the signal for the +production of rice, which was poured liberally about them,--a +barbarous joke, not possessing even the quality of originality. + +One can imagine the couple in a railway carriage trying to look as if +nothing had happened, and their discomfort on observing side looks, +smiles, and whisperings from those on the opposite seat, who have +noticed some rice which has trickled down his trousers to the floor. +With guards and porters, I believe, subterfuge is useless: the new +trunks, &c., tell too plainly, and they have to be liberally tipped. + +The floor of the dining-room was covered with rice, and an idea +occurred to me which might be taken up profitably. We see forms, +&c., advertised for balls: why should not poulterers announce, "Hens +supplied for marriages!" They would clean the carpet in a few +minutes. + +Human nature is a strange thing. A hearse, or a brougham with a +slipper tied behind, will collect all the women in the neighbourhood, +except the better-bred ones, who are peeping out from behind the +curtains. A man takes no interest in either, but there will be a +crowd from morning till night when a gas pipe or telegraph wire is +being laid. + + +Well, each to his taste: Dress for the ladies, a drain for the men, +the bride for the bridegroom, and may they be happy! + + + + +AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES WITH HINTS + +No one of a philanthropic nature can think but with pity and sympathy +of the mental sufferings of those who have toasts to propose or reply +to. True, there are some who could not go home happy from a meeting +unless they had aired their eloquence; but they are a small minority. +Ministers are usually swift in getting on their feet, and slow to sit +down; and though they have "the gift o' the gab," to some, if not +all, it is an infliction--not less probably than to their brethren in +the laity--to have to speak, as they know that something better will +be expected of them. Talking with a country minister recently, he +said: + +"I was once at a Burns Dinner in Edinburgh, and when we were at the +soup I got a note handed from the chair, saying I had been put down +for a toast in place of some one who was absent. Well, sir, I laid +down my spoon and never touched my dinner." (This was said in a tone +of sad reflection.) "But," he added, brightening up, "I picked on +two lines of quotation the chairman had left out, and I gave them +twenty minutes of it,"--the cheery expression of his face showing +that the lengthened speech was not given as revenge for the loss of a +dinner, but with pride in his "gift." + +There are "Practical Letter Writers" and books on Etiquette, but no +one seems to be bold enough to publish a book of Speeches suitable +for the many exigencies of those who "go out." The "Practical" or +"Complete" Letter Writer usually was filled with such subjects as "To +a Duchess on refusing an Invitation," or "From the Same to the Same," +and has of course long since retired to a well-merited oblivion; but +a "Practical" Speech Maker would be sure to go into many editions, +and relieve many a sufferer from one of the chief miseries of +civilisation. In the meantime, however, as we are now into "the +season," a few hints may be found useful. + +Be careful, then, not to pause after saying "Mr. Chairman," as, when +it is followed by "and gentlemen," it might seem an invidious and +undesirable distinction. + +Begin by saying, "The toast which has been entrusted to me" or "put +into my hands"--both expressions being classic--"is perhaps the most +important on the list." This will command attention, especially from +those who have to speak after you, as they naturally look on theirs +as the most important; and though they may afterwards claim the +distinction, you will have gained your object. + +Should your name be on the toast-list, say you "could have wished the +toast had been put into better hands," and pause to allow the company +to say "No, no; not at all"; but should you be informed during the +evening of the toast expected of you, say "I had no idea when I came +into the room that I should be called upon to," &c. This is also +classic, and affords an ample opportunity of showing your powers as +an extempore speaker. Borrow a piece of paper and a pencil from your +neighbour, and during dinner jot down a few ideas on the subject; and +when you have said, "The toast which I have to propose," pause, then +say, "is--ah--" then lift the card as if you had given the subject no +thought, and could speak on any topic at a moment's notice, whereas +in reality the menu is to hide your notes. + +It would require a clever statistician to give an approximate idea of +the number of times speakers will begin a sentence without seeing +their way to the end, trying to conclude with, "And thanking you all, +gentlemen, for the kind way my health has been proposed and +received,--" only to find they are in a corner, with no way out +except by saying, "Shall sit down," which is not a graceful finish. +Some, no doubt, wriggle out by saying, "Can only thank you again,"--a +tautological weakness. + +In returning thanks, the speaker, after gaining a character for +modesty by alluding to the "too flattering terms in which my health +has been proposed," can trade on it by praising himself still +further. No doubt, the conclusion of a speech is the difficult part, +but it can be got rid of by thinking of a subject or person omitted, +and saying, "I beg to propose a toast which should have been given +earlier in the evening," and then handing the difficulty on to other +shoulders. + +If a speaker before you has made a joke which has taken well, repeat +it, and get up a second laugh in your own favour, and the originator +is flattered at being quoted, while you share the honours with him. + +Should you be in the position of finding that your ideas have flown, +or that they have not arrived, fix on the one who has made the best +speech, and say he has anticipated you in everything you were about +to observe. This will arouse sympathy for you under the trying +circumstances, reflect credit on you as a speaker, and exonerate you +from further remarks. + +As your toast will probably be pretty well down the list, the company +will not be difficult to please, or critical, so you need not let +your nominative trouble you. I have often felt the deepest sympathy +for the poor reporters who have to take home the tangled mass of some +great man's speech and unravel it into grammatical order; and one is +often astonished next morning to read an interesting speech extracted +from chaos. + +If some distinguished person--say, Sir Henry Irving--accepts an +invitation to sup with a club, it will be the duty of the committee +to see that a full toast-list is prepared, as, after the strong +mental strain he has just come through, it will be a relief and a +rest to him to have his mind diverted to such subjects as "The +Provost and Magistrates of Edinburgh," "Our Educational Interests," +"Our Mercantile Interests," "The Clergy," &c., and you can afterwards +give your friends an idea of the splendid night you had by saying you +"kept it up till three in the morning." + +The one who has to propose "The Provost and Town Council" must allude +to our beautiful, our own romantic and historic town, giving the +Council all credit, and say that no one has the interest of our city +more at heart than ----, whoever is to reply. He may have acted as +if he had mistaken the Council Chambers for the House of Commons or a +licensed grocer's back parlour; he may have been active in bringing +Edinburgh into ridicule, so that, like the inhabitant of another town +when from home, we feel we should say, "I belong to Edinburgh, but, +as share's death, I couldna help it." Still, the classic expression +must be used; and whoever replies will say with all the earnestness +of an original expression, "There is no one who has the interest of +the city of Edinburgh more at heart than I have," and thereby confirm +the truth of your assertion. + +If the phrase "Proudest moment of my life" is used, the speaker +should try to get up a suitable expression, as it is sometimes said +in such melancholy tones as would lead the audience to doubt the +assertion, or give them a humble opinion of previous proud moments. + +But if the proposing of or replying to a toast should destroy one's +enjoyment of a dinner, how much more serious is it for the chairman, +who has several toasts to propose; and yet if he has listened as he +ought to have done to others in a similar position, the difficulties +will diminish. He will remember that when the toast of "The Queen" +was given, the chairman said, "I am sure there is no body of men more +loyal than ----," whatever the company happened to be composed of. +In giving "The Navy, Army, and Volunteers," the chairman always +begins by saying, "With regard to." + +"With regard to our Navy, you all know what our tars have done in the +past; and though our wooden walls have been superseded by ironclads, +still the same 'hearts of oak,'"--the rest of the sentence is +immaterial, as it is always drowned in applause. + +"With regard to our Army, you all know what our soldiers have done in +the past." This, of course, is a repetition; still it is flattering +to the company to give them the credit of being posted in our great +battles. "And should the day ever come, though I hope it is far +distant"--(pause for "Hear, hear")--"I am sure they will give a good +account of themselves." Changing his tone of voice, he then says: + +"With regard to our Volunteers, I have no doubt that, should the day +ever come," &c. (see remarks on the Army). + +Should your health be proposed in a strange town, you will make a hit +by discovering some special reason for liking the place,--the best, +of course, being that you were born there; and in this respect one of +our eminent statesmen is a master,--he seems not only to have been +born again, but several times. If no personal reason can be found, +the speaker must fall back on some historical incident or person or +thing, saying, "Of course we have all a warm side to a town so +closely associated with Sir Walter Scott," or Burns or Wallace, as +the case may be, though this only gives you a claim shared in by all +Scotsmen, and is to be resorted to only when the personal element +cannot be introduced. + +A free and easy style of speech should be cultivated, and perhaps +there is no better way of appearing at ease than by playing with a +wine glass, a fruit knife, or the watch chain. If done successfully, +the speech may seem to occupy a secondary position in your thoughts. +To timid people it is especially useful, as, by bending the head down +while drawing imaginary designs on the tablecloth, your remarks will +not be heard, and mistakes will pass unobserved; and should there be +an apparent dearth of subject in your toast, you can draw it out to +the length you fancy desirable by introducing a story, _apropos_ if +possible, or by encroaching on some of the other subjects. The +speaker who follows may justly complain that you have taken the wind +out of his sails, but you can leave him to raise the wind for himself. + +Like Lady Jane in "The Mikado," the occupancy of the chair is an +acquired taste, and many a one who has had to be pushed into the +position has developed an abnormal love for making speeches. + +Three winters ago one of this description presided at a curling-club +dinner; and as he took up the toasts one by one, whispers went round +the company that he was the very man to represent his ward in the +Town Council. And he seemed to be of the same opinion, for after he +had gone through the toast-list he toasted individually every one of +the company who had been omitted, and, as a last resort, when they +were used up, he had the landlord of the hotel brought in, and made +an eloquent speech on the way the dinner had been served, making the +beef and greens appear a royal banquet, and, as a proof of the +landlord's worth, mentioned that he had known him for the last thirty +years. The eloquence seems to have had the desired effect, if +speech-making is a _sine quâ non_ for our Council, as he is now a +Councillor. + +It is no doubt extremely annoying to remember, after you have +finished your toast, that you have forgotten the best part of +it,--the joke you intended to crack, or the story you meant to +tell,--and the only way to relieve your feelings in this case, and to +ensure a good night's sleep, is to secure as many as you can in the +cloak-room, and have an adjournment, where you can take an +opportunity to let it off. + +The number of times the foregoing classic expressions have been used +will only be exceeded by the number of times they will be used; and +by making free use of them no one need despair of occupying a chair +in the Council Chambers, and going down honoured and respected by all +who knew him. + + + + +"HOW D'YE DO?" + +Everybody is apt to say of every cold he has, that it is "the worst I +ever had"; but I think I can truthfully say that the one from which I +am now suffering beats all its predecessors. + +I am often told that I should be more careful of myself; but who +would think of getting such a cold as I have, by simply saying to an +old lady, "How d'ye do?" I had just returned from a month in the +country, braced up, as I thought, for the coming winter; and now I am +weaker and less fit for work than before I went away, and all through +asking the simple question, which means nothing. The old Scotch +manner of "Hoo are ye?" replied to by "Thank ye for speirin'; hoo are +ye yersel'?" showed that our sensible forefathers knew the formality +of the question, and did not consider it worth replying to. But that +does not seem to be the opinion of my lady friend. + +On the way home I made the acquaintance of a young Englishman, who +said he intended spending a few days in Edinburgh before returning +south; and when, on the Sunday morning, he said he should like to +hear one of our celebrated divines, I offered to accompany him. And +if my friend wished to get an idea of what a Scotch sermon was like, +we could not have been more fortunate: the text was soon lost sight +of, and the preacher warmed to his task. Taking it for granted that +his apparently respectable congregation was of the worst possible +order, he worked himself into a passion, telling his hearers of their +fearful future, dealing out revenge in copious quantities, and +ignoring anything like love, mercy, or even justice. + +The heat of the sermon had worked me into a perspiration, and when on +the way out my friend said, "Do you pay your ministers to insult you +in that way?" I could not think of a reply, feeling he was looking +down on us from a higher civilisation, and was glad of the excuse to +say "How d'ye do?" to the old lady who had just caught my eye. + +Mrs. Fraser is an Aberdonian, and, though she has been half a century +in Edinburgh, she has lost none of her northern accent, much to the +annoyance of her daughters. + +"Oh, I'm nae weel at a'," she replied. "I'm nae sae young as I've +been, an' I seem tae be a' breakin' up thegither." + +"Oh, I'm very sorry," I said; "but I hope you'll soon be bet----" + +"I'm fair lame wi' thae rheumatics i' the knee, an' I've tried +a'thing I can think o'. I'm share, the siller I've spent on +liniments an' medicines wad--I dinna ken what: an' jist thrown awa'. +An' as for rubbin'----" + +Before she could find a simile for the useless effects of rubbing, I +said, "Well, I'll bid you good----" + +"Ye micht as weel--I dinna ken what," she said, finding her suitable +expression. "An' then, my back's aye troublin' me: it's an awfu' +thing, that lumbagie; but ye'll ken naething aboot that; an' the +doctors dinna seem tae be able tae dae me ony guid." + +I took advantage of her coughing, to say "My friend is waiting on me, +so I'll say----" + +"Not a bit o' guid: hot flannels, an' ironin' an' I dinna ken what +a'; an' ye micht jist as weel--I dinna ken what." + +"Well, I'll not keep you standing in the cold," I said, as if I had +been detaining her, though I was beginning to shiver after the hot +time we had been treated to inside; but she did not seem to hear me, +and continued: + +"An' then I was three weeks nursin' Mr. Fraser. Ye wad see aboot it +in the papers----" + +"Yes, I was very sorry to----" + +"Never had my claes aff, ye may say, for it was jist het watter an' +laud'num cloths day an' nicht. 'Peritonitis' the doctors ca'd it, +but I ken better: it was jist inflammation in 's inside, wi' a chill." + +"In--deed!" I said, with as much sympathy of expression as I could +throw into the word. "Well, I am afraid I'm keeping you in the cold, +and my friend is----" + +"Ay, he was jist worn awa' tae skin an' bane. I'm share he was an +awfu'-like ticket; but I'm wonderfu', considering an' I have a lot +tae be thankfu' for, after a'. Diabetes, an' indyspepsy, an' a' +their fancy names! but it's naething mair nor less than indisgestion, +an' bad enough it is at that." + +[Illustration: "I'M FAIR LAME WI' THAE RHEUMATICS" _By W. Grant +Stevenson, R.S.A._] + +I was now chilled through, and had been standing for ten minutes +holding out my hand like a railway signal at the angle of "caution," +ready to shake hands and get away. The crowd which had (as is usual +on leaving church) blocked up the pavement for a considerable time, +had all dispersed, and my friend was gesticulating wildly for me to +"come on." He had whispered to me, in his Cockney style, when the +sermon was finished, "A pint of beer will go down fizzing after that; +that's a hot 'un, that is," and I knew he was now impatient to +realise his wish. Still he was better off than I was; he was walking +about to keep himself warm, while I was shivering beside one who +forcibly brought to mind Outram's picture: + + "But her! expose her onywhere, + She'll ca' for her annuity"; + +and I could not help admiring her constitution and indifference to +temperature, though I should have been better content without proof +of it. At last, getting desperate, I caught her hand and hurriedly +said, "Good-bye." + +"Well, good-bye," she said; "I'm rale gled tae see ye; an' hoo's yer +mither?" + +"Oh, she's quite well, thank you; good-bye." + +"Good-bye; remember me tae her, an' be share an' tell her I was +speirin' for her, an'----" + +"Yes, thanks; I'll tell her; good-bye." + +"Say I was jist thinkin' aboot her the ither day, an' sayin' tae +Maggie I mun ca' sune." + +"She'll be very pleased to see you, I'm sure," I said, edging away; +and before she had time to reply, I lifted my hat and hurried off, +and began to apologise to my friend; but he said, "It's all right, +old man; I was sorry for you. I know the sort; but if you've any +regard for your own health, you'll not ask after hers again on a cold +day. I was smiling when I saw you make a grab at her hand; and when +she kept a hold, and went on saying 'Good-bye,' I was afraid you were +in for more of it. It reminded me of a quiet boy who once called on +us; and when I asked him, 'How's your father?' he said, 'He's quite +well, thank you.' + +"'And your mother?' + +"'She's quite well, thank you.' + +"'And your uncle?' + +"'He's quite well, thank you." + +"'Big handsome fellow your uncle, isn't he?" + +"'I haven't got an uncle.' + +"I had mistaken the boy.--I say, by Jove, you're as white's a sheet; +let's hurry to my hotel." + +A week has now crept slowly by, and I have not been able to get warm. +I shiver as if I had ague; and blankets and hot drinks seem useless. +My eyes water when I try to read; and I pass the time studying the +wall-paper. I seem to have got mesmerised with it,--discovering +faces, figures, and animals among the flowers, only to lose them and +search for them again. Wallpapers are diabolical affairs. It never +struck me before how barbaric they are; though I remember of being +afraid, when I was a little boy, to sit at the right of my +grandfather's fire for an ugly demon with long yellow and white legs +on the imitation marble mantelpiece. We may call ourselves Liberals, +Radicals, or Conservatives, but we are all conservative by nature. +The first fiend who designed a wall-paper made the roses run in +diagonal lines, and all his successors have followed him in this +respect without considering the reason. + +Why should we have flowers on wall-paper? And if we must submit to +flowers, why should they not be natural? Why should not the tired +eye be able to rest when we are in bed? Simply because the first +fiend who designed wall-papers fixed it on his conservative +disciples; he evidently "had them bad" at the time, or was just +recovering from a second or third attack, and it is a great pity he +had not died under the first. + +The flowers on my bedroom wall are evidently meant for +chrysanthemums; but they are on a colossal scale, and afford every +opportunity for one who has the leisure I have had this week of +discovering a variety of subjects. There is the head of an old woman +with a long nose; but I am annoyed when I look at her, as I want to +get up and correct the drawing of her left eye, and, as there are +hundreds of her round the room in every repetition of the pattern, I +feel I would require a lot of paint. Then I turn away from her and +look for the dancing negro, whom I only discovered on Thursday. He +is difficult to find, as I am not so familiar with the place. The +old woman keeps looking at me from every diamond; and I see the dog's +head, with the ears formed by two leaves. But where is the negro? I +think, "This is the wall-paper: where is the negro?" and "He won't be +happy till he gets it." And when I do find it, my eyes are so tired +that I look to the ceiling for a rest; but the negro floats on the +ceiling,--only he is green instead of brown, and the old woman is +purple. I shut my eyes, but they still float in changing colours. I +am certain the first designer had _delirium tremens_. + +"If I had the designing of wall-papers, I would make them different," +I think; but perhaps I am like the gentleman who said, "Give me the +making of a country's songs, and I don't care who makes its laws." +He never wrote any songs, though no one had the contract. + +Last spring the house-painter insisted on my selecting this paper as +being from the latest book of patterns; but I had no idea of the +mysterious and unsatisfactory figures it contained. One has to study +it for a week to discover all there is in it, and there was not time +then, or I might have said, "The woman's eyes are not the same size; +the negro has one leg longer than the other; and the dog's nose is +not at the right angle." + + +When I am able to get out of bed, I shall have paper of a simple tint +put on, and I shall be careful to whom I say "How d'ye do?" + + + + +M'CRANKY'S BRACE OF GROUSE + +The M'Crankys have had a few friends to dinner, but though the viands +and wine were faultless, three of the four couples who sat down, left +with the disagreeable feeling of being 'found out' in a little bit of +pardonable deception. + +M'Cranky had gone, as usual on the Twelfth, to his friend's shooting +on the Lugate, only thinking of the pleasure of inhaling the +invigorating air and the delightful sensation of hearing the birds +fall with a thud. A shooting season makes one forget the drawbacks +in the shape of climbing a hill, only to find that we have to go down +the other side to climb another; then there are the interminable +"hags," so easy to slide into and so difficult to climb out of, as +one sinks over the boots in the wet peaty earth. + +None of the party having M.P. at the end of his name, it was arranged +that they should go out on the 11th and have a look over the ground; +the weather did not look promising, but Gilfillan the keeper tried to +inspire hope by saying that "it micht clear up by the morn," adding, +as if to himself, "if the wind wad only change." Carts of provisions +were arriving, and the white-washed house seemed to be preparing for +a lengthened siege. The night was passed pleasantly, each one +recalling the good shooting he had done last season. + +"Do you remember the blackcock I brought down after you had fired at +it, up by the shepherd's house? it was a long way out." + +"Yes, but that gun of mine carries a long way. I killed a hare on +the moor, dead on the spot, and paced it, eighty-two paces. +Gilfillan saw it." + +No one required to be called in the morning; and as each one got up, +he went to the window to find a leaden sky and a drizzling rain, +which looked as if it meant to stay a few days. + +During breakfast there were many glances out of the window in the +hope of seeing a clear streak of sky rising behind the hill, and when +the repast was over and pipes lit, there was a general saunter round +to the kennels to hear Gilfillan's opinion. + +"I canna just say I like the look o't; be quiet, wumman; they dowgs +is just daft to get oot. I wadna wonder, though, if it clears up by +the efternoon. The dowgs ken fine what's up when they see you +gentlemen; bit as lang's ye keep on the move, a drap rain'll no hurt +ye, though the birds'll no sit sae weel." + +The dogs seemed to throw some of their eagerness into the company, +and it was resolved to make a start--the first few shots almost +making them forget the rain, further than in keeping their cartridges +dry. Half an hour, however, brought back to M'Cranky's memory the +unpleasant aspect of the sport; the exercise and excitement kept his +heart thumping with extra violence, his feet were soaking, and every +step made a slushy sound. There is as much inspiration, however, in +following a dog as there is in "the sound of the drum," and M'Cranky +persevered, wiping rain and perspiration from his face. + +The following days were much the same, and as the birds were wild and +the bags not large, M'Cranky would not take more than a brace of +birds and a hare on leaving. + +"No, no," he said, in reply to his host insisting on his taking more, +"I like game well enough, but the sport better." + +"Is that all you've brought home," said Mrs. M'Cranky. "I +thought----" + +"I wouldn't take any more; we had bad sport." + +"I'll tell you what we'll do then; we'll send them to Mrs. Wallace. +You know she----" + +"You'll do nothing of the sort, by jingo! Those birds have cost me," +but M'Cranky suddenly remembered he had better not mention the sum, +as his wife would immediately think of the dress which could have +been got for the money--her usual idea of comparison. So he changed +his sentence to--"It's not every day I can go to shoot." + +"You had a good deal of shooting last season," said Mrs. M'Cranky, +not in a tone of reproach, but to put her husband in the good humour +she wished, and set him on pleasant reminiscences. + +"Well, you know," he said, with a smile of satisfaction with himself, +"I couldn't help it; they were always wanting me to give them a hand +when they wanted a bag." + +"And we can have some lovely hare soup," continued Mrs. M'Cranky, +taking the gift of grouse for granted. Generosity, no doubt, was her +principal feeling, though there was an under-current of satisfaction +in the knowledge that the gift would be understood to reflect credit +on her husband as a sportsman, and he was not long out of the house +till the birds were despatched to "Mrs. Wallace, with Mr. M'Cranky's +compliments." + +"What do you think I've got?" said Mrs. Wallace, in the usual +enigmatical fashion of females. "A brace of grouse from the +M'Crankys. I like the parcel post, but I just hate telegrams; I'm +always afraid to open them in case some one's dead." + +"I know," said Mr. Wallace, "it's a failing of the sex; you would +like the boy to tell you what's inside before you open the envelope." + +"And we've got an invitation to go over and stay with Nell for a few +days, so I was just thinking we might send the grouse to Mrs. Clark. +I want to take the bounce out of her, at any rate, and let her know +we have swell friends, too; you can't talk to her five minutes till +she is on to her 'county friends,' her 'West End friends,' and her +'carriage people.' I know she won't like taking grouse from me, so +I'll just send them." + +"You're a rum lot, you women; I've to want the grouse to satisfy your +stupid idea, I suppose." + +"They were addressed to me, and you can get plenty later on; but I +wouldn't miss this chance for anything. She'll perhaps think you've +been at the shooting, and she'll be just wild." + +"That'll be nice," said Mr. Wallace, with mild sarcasm; but he had +more sense than to argue the subject, and the grouse were passed on +to "Mrs. Clark, with Mr. Wallace's compliments." + +Mrs. Clark put on a careless air when the grouse were brought in, as +if she were expecting a few more similar parcels from her various +"county friends"; but when she read, "With Mr. Wallace's +compliments," the expression on her face changed. + +"The i--dea," she said. "Well, I never! Set them up! Mrs. Wallace +either wants me to think her husband has been shooting, or that they +have got more from their country friends than they can use. I'll +have to write and thank her--perfectly annoying." + +Mrs. Clark gave vent to her feelings while writing: + + +"My DEAR MRS. WALLACE--[impertinence].--Thanks so much for the lovely +grouse. [I would rather--I don't know what--than she had sent them.] +You evidently know my weakness, dear, and yours is the first we have +received this season. [That'll let her know we are in the habit of +getting game.] I am already looking forward to the treat. [I won't +touch them.] Thanking you again, and with love.--Yours +affectionately, MARY CLARK. + + +"I know what--yes. Mrs. M'Cranky called the other day for nothing +else, I'm sure, than to let me know her husband was away shooting. +I'll let her know we have friends who have shootings as well as she +has; she'll not know where we got them." + +When Mr. Clark came home at night he had reluctantly to consent to +take them with him the following morning and send them to M'Cranky's +office. + +"Generosity has been rewarded," said M'Cranky, when he took the birds +home at night. "Clark sent these to the office; very good of him. +Met him at the club at lunch, and asked him to bring his wife on +Thursday to help us with them. Young birds won't keep." + +"We may as well ask Mr. and Mrs. Wallace, too," said Mrs. M'Cranky; +"they haven't been here since they were married." + +"All right; but you'll have to buy another brace." + +"That will be too many, unless we were to ask Mr. and Mrs. Wilson." + +"All right; please yourself." + +Mrs. M'Cranky is one of a numerous class who delight in worrying over +preparations for a dinner, and who feel well rewarded when any of the +ladies remark that "the table is beautifully laid out," and her +excitement was kept up till the guests arrived, when the conversation +became general, and every one seemed prepared to laugh at the mildest +of jokes; but when the grouse were brought in, three of the ladies +felt as if the sword of Damocles was hanging over their heads by a +very slender thread. Just before going to the dining-room, Mrs. +M'Cranky had a final look into the kitchen to see that all was right, +when the cook upset her equilibrium by saying: + +"Do you know, mum, that the two grouse the master brought in are the +same you sent to Mrs. Wallace?" + +"Nonsense!" said Mrs. M'Cranky; "surely you are mistaken." + +"The self an' same birds, mum. I knew the string; an' one of them +had a little grass sticking under the wing, where it had been +bleeding." + +Mrs. M'Cranky tried to banish the unpleasant thought from her mind, +but it would return, as if asking for a solution. + +"The grouse is very nice," said Mrs. Wilson. "One enjoys it so much +at the beginning of the season." + +"You have Mr. Clark to thank," said the innocent M'Cranky, and three +swords fell. + +Mrs. M'Cranky tried to catch her husband's eye, but he would not look +her way, and it was too late, at any rate. Mr. Clark got a warning +look from his wife, and though he did not comprehend it fully, he +knew he was to say nothing. Mrs. Wallace's cheeks turned red, and +she tried to hide her blushes by bending over her plate, feeling she +had made Mrs. Clark her enemy. + +The stereotyped compliment was repeated by everyone on +leaving--"Thank you so much for a very pleasant evening"; but a +different sentiment was expressed in two of the cabs on the way home. + +"Well, that was a good spread," said Mr. Wallace, with the satisfied +tone of one who is at peace with all mankind. + +"Don't light that cigar, for any sake; I feel just like to cry; I +never was so miserable in my life." + +"What's wrong?" + +"What's wrong! Can't you see? Mrs. M'Cranky got back her grouse, +and we're all found out." + +"Ha, ha! well, that's a good one." + +"Do you think so? I call it just beastly." + +"M'Cranky does the thing well," said Mr. Clark. + +"Don't speak about it. I never felt so glad to get out of a house." + +"How?" + +"That Mrs. Wallace knows I gave away her grouse, but thank goodness +she's found out too." + +"I don't understand." + +"No; men are donkeys." + +"Women are mysteries." + + + + +M'CRANKY'S DECEPTIONS ABOUT GOLF + +It is a pity that evil should be mixed with our most healthy and, in +themselves, innocent amusements. Some bad men, who are otherwise +modest, boast of and exaggerate their achievements, tell of the good +things done, and omit the stupid, as in the case of the sportsman of +whom it was said, "What he hit was history, what he missed was +mystery." + +Golf is generally admitted to be one of the best recreations for +combining the necessary amount of excitement, removing all thoughts +of business cares, and at the same time giving exercise in the open +air, making it all the more regrettable that it should be capable of +leading to the debasing and humiliating position experienced by Mr. +M'Cranky. + +Golfers could be found who are considered--and consider +themselves--strictly honest, who would omit to count a miss if they +were not observed, or surreptitiously move their ball to a better +position. + +"There is one thing I like about golf," said an Englishman who has +only been a few months at the game, "It is impossible to cheat at it." + +"You don't know," said his friend, smiling. "Two caddies were +playing for a sovereign, at Musselburgh, and, in going to Mrs. +Forman's, one lost his ball, and as the five minutes allowed to look +for a lost ball were about up, and he saw the hole would be lost to +him, he quietly dropped another ball and said, 'Oh, here it is!' when +his opponent, who had apparently been assisting him to find the ball, +turned on him reproachfully and said, 'That's a lie! I've had your +ball in my pocket all the time.'" + +Though M'Cranky is almost invariably in the wrong in the many +arguments he has with his better half, he has the greatest dislike to +being found out, and never admits being mistaken; and--argue as he +may with himself--he feels that his duplicity has been discovered by +his wife. + +Their friend Mrs. Watson had spent June and July at a farmhouse near +Crieff, and one day at tea she told Mrs. M'Cranky how much she and +the children had enjoyed the place, and benefited by it. + +"You should certainly take it for August and September," she said; +and Mrs. M'Cranky, knowing that the selection of summer quarters was +generally left to herself, at once determined to write and secure the +house, little thinking that M'Cranky had another scheme on hand. She +was impatient for the dinner hour, being anxious to impart the +glowing account of the place as described by Mrs. Watson. + +"Mrs. Watson's home from Crieff," she began, "and she was awfully +sorry to leave, and she says it's just the place for us, and I'm +going to write after dinner to secure it, in case any one should be +after it." + +"You'll have to go yourself, then; I can't." + +"But you must, dear; you know quite well that you require a rest, and +it's a fine bracing place, and plenty of nice milk and eggs, and--" + +"I don't care for milk, and in any case I tell you I can't go." + +"And the people are so kind, Mrs. Watson says." + +"Why did she come home, then?" + +"Oh! she had to, you know; and there's a horse and a trap we can have +the use of. The farmer used to drive Mrs. Watson and the girls every +day, but he says he couldn't drive now, as he'll be so busy; but +that'll be all the better, because we'll have it all to ourselves, +and you can drive fine. You remember when----" + +"Drive! you would drive anybody out of his mind with your talk. +Didn't I tell you I can't go." + +"But you must, dear. I can't let you kill yourself with work, and +Mrs. Watson says it is very cheap. She got the rooms for eight +pounds and ten pounds, but she thinks it might be twelve pounds for +August, only if we stayed on we might get it in September for six +pounds, and then there's a great saving. You know when she was at +Luss last year she paid about thirty shillings to get her luggage +taken to the house, and then she had to pay for the cartage of the +coals--I forget how much, but we would save all that because the +farmer would send a cart, and that all helps to reduce the rent, you +know." + +"Well, we can't go there this month, and that's all about it. I +don't care much where we go, but I must get into business every +morning, and as you're on the economical tack, we can get the place +cheaper in September. Now there's North Berwick; I know several +fellows who come into town every morning, and we can all come +together; in fact, I was told of a house close to the links--to the +station; and then you know"--he added with more than his usual +consideration--"it'll not be so lonely for you, as you'll meet a lot +of your lady friends, and I can easily spare the Saturdays." + +Mrs. M'Cranky was very reluctant to give up the dream of driving +about the country without having to think of the cost per hour for a +trap. Still she felt business must not be neglected, and September +is often a nice month. M'Cranky was in a bad humour with himself. +The idea of going to North Berwick had been a week in his head, and +he was annoyed that he had not spoken of it before Mrs. Watson +called, as he would have simply said, as he intended, that he would +take a house there, for the sake of the golf. Now, he had, without +thinking of the result, pretended that his object in going there was +in order to be able to attend to business. He must now, however, +keep up the deception. + +"Is there any use putting in your knickerbockers," said Mrs. +M'Cranky, the night before they were leaving. + +"I dare say you may," said M'Cranky; "I may get a round in the +evenings, you know"; and immediately he had spoken he was annoyed +that he had not had courage to say he intended having more than a +round in the evenings; it made him feel that he was afraid of his +wife, though he would not admit to himself that such a thing was +possible. It was just the way the thing had come about, but he would +let her know soon, though, like most people, he put off the evil day +of confession till too late. + +"There's no use going in to town to-day," he said on the first +morning. "I'll stay and see the things unpacked, and they know to +write or wire if there's anything important. Where's my +knickerbockers?" + +Mrs. M'Cranky was pleased with her husband's thoughtfulness, knowing +that he hated to be asked even to untie a rope; but he had little +intention of ruffling his temper with the hated work. He was looking +at his watch every few minutes, and asking if breakfast wasn't ready. + +"Hurry up," he said to the girl; "just bring in whatever you have +ready. I smell ham; if it's not ready, I couldn't take any--I mean I +don't wish ham this morning, unless it's--; look sharp with whatever +you have." + +Mrs. M'Cranky was still in the bedroom, and he was hurrying with his +breakfast as if he had only a few minutes to catch the morning train, +so that he had just about finished when she entered. + +"You haven't finished already?" she said, as he rose from the table. + +"Yes; you've been a long time of dressing. Just help yourself to the +ham, and I'll go out and have a saunter." + +He had great difficulty in keeping his hands from his watch, and in +restraining himself to walk slowly out of the room with the necessary +aimlessness of one who has nothing to do. In the lobby he was +careful not to make a noise in lifting the clubs, and though a door +in the back garden opened to the Links, he walked out by the front, +as the dining-room window commanded a view of the back garden; and no +sooner had he got away from the house than he doubled his pace, +making up his mind that he wouldn't sneak away in that manner again, +but just say he was going to golf--not thinking how much easier it is +to get into deceit than to get out of it. + +"What's kept you?" said his friend Macfarlane at the teeing ground; +"our number has been called." + +"Well, there's a lot of things to unpack, you know." + +This was literally true, but M'Cranky felt that his expression of it +was fallacious, and, as he remembered reading at school, very nearly +related to falsehood. It was humiliating, but he would put it all +right to-morrow morning, and he might have acted up to his intentions +if he had been able to adopt the proverb of thinking twice before +speaking once; but when, next morning, Mrs. M'Cranky said, "You're +not going to town in your knickerbockers, are you?" he hastily said: + +"Oh, I don't know; there's nobody in town you know; but, in fact, I +wasn't thinking----" + +"Oh yes, keep them on. I like you in knickerbockers. I wish +everybody wore them--gentlemen, I mean." + +The interruption was unfortunate for poor M'Cranky's resolution; he +was screwing himself up to say that he wasn't thinking of going to +town, and giving up the pretence of not being able to get away from +business. He did not like the idea of going round the Links, +continually looking about him in fear of meeting his wife; but she +had no suspicion, as he walked out without clubs, having told his +caddie to keep them for him; and when she said, "You're not going to +town with these clumsy boots on? Put on your brown shoes; they are +much neater," he mumbled something about hurting his feet when he had +thick stockings on. + +The deception had been going on for about a fortnight, and M'Cranky +was getting hardened in it, when his friend said, "Mrs. Macfarlane +was telling me she had asked Mrs. M'Cranky along to supper to-night, +and I was to bring you along with me." + +"Thank you," said M'Cranky, with an idea that exposure was imminent. +Would he ask his friend not to allude to golf? No; that would be a +confession that he was afraid of his wife, and he would have no one +think that. He must trust to luck. It would be bad enough for his +wife to find it out, but worse if before other people. That was his +least enjoyable day; and as golf requires all one's attention, and +M'Cranky's thoughts were wandering, he played a bad game. He was +wishing the night safely over, and he would certainly put an end to +the deceit next day. + +"Aren't our husbands looking well?" said Mrs. Macfarlane to Mrs. +M'Cranky. "But no wonder they are brown; the two of them are never +off the----" + +"You have a fine view here," M'Cranky interrupted, trying to change +the subject. + +"Yes; I suppose you haven't been as far east before? You men never +think of anything but the Links; you never think of taking out your +wives." + +"Well, you know, Mr. M'Cranky hasn't much time just now, and I know +he is the better of any exercise he can get. However, next month we +are going to Crieff, and he'll have no business to worry him; but +when one has to go in to business every day, it just spoils the----" + +"May we have a smoke?" said M'Cranky perspiring with excitement. "We +might go outside"; and the two women were left to have a talk by +themselves. + +"Does your wife think you go in to town every morning?" Macfarlane +asked, laughing, when they got outside. + +"Oh, I don't think so," said M'Cranky, with assumed carelessness. +"You see, she wanted to go to Crieff this month, and I--eh--didn't +see my way at the time, and--eh--perhaps I didn't say anything about +it after. She's always late for breakfast, and, in fact, I never +thought anything about it." + +The two ladies laughed when their husbands returned; and when Mrs. +Macfarlane said, "There's not one better than another; men were +deceivers ever," M'Cranky felt that the secret was out. "He has been +telling his wife," he thought; "some men can't keep anything from +their wives." Still he felt that he was only trying to excuse +himself, and that he was in the wrong--a bitter admission for him to +have to admit even to himself. And what was the cause of all his +deceit? Simply that Davidson had asked him to have a day at +Kinghorn, and had beaten him; and he had determined to have a month's +practice, and challenge him again. "I could easily beat Davidson," +he said, when asked how they got on; "he has a bad style of +addressing the ball, and only takes a half swing." + +Davidson, however, had been practising too, and has beaten him again +in the return match, and now M'Cranky has not even the satisfaction +of feeling that his subterfuge and humiliation have been compensated. + + + + + MRS. M'CRANKY AT THE + INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL MATCH... + +"You don't require uour ulster to-day, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky on +Saturday afternoon, seeing her husband preparing to go out; "it's +quite mild, and your ulster's so shabby at any rate, and you've got +your heavy shoes on too--are you going to golf?" + +"No, I was thinking of going to the football match." + +This was said as if his mind had not been made up on the subject, +though he had bought two tickets for the stand the week before, one +of which he had forgotten to give to the friend for whom he intended +it. + +"Is that where all the people are going? They were going down +Queensferry Street in crowds just now when I came along. I wonder +you can be bothered going to such a thing. May I come with you?" + +"You'll be tired; you've just been out; and you don't think it will +be worth seeing." + +"I'll not be tired if I'm with you, and I don't care what it is as +long as I'm beside you. I was at the Exhibition." + +"Come along, then; we must hurry up to get a good seat." + +"What a crowd of people!" said Mrs. M'Cranky, as they were entering +the gate. "What do they charge for admission?" + +"A shilling," said Mr. M'Cranky, truthfully, but fallaciously, +handing over two tickets for which he had paid 3_s._ 6_d._ each. + +"There's nothing to be seen but people. What are these men doing at +that table?" + +"These are the reporters." + +"Is it so interesting as that? Will people read about it?" + +"I should think so; it's the first thing a lot of fellows look at." + +"But what is the game? What do they try to do?" + +"Well, you see, the match to-day is between Scotland and Wales. The +Scotch will try to drive the ball one way, and the Welsh the other; +and if they kick it over that bar, that's a goal, and counts five." + +"And do you mean to say that men will come all the way from Wales to +kick a ball over a post?" + +"Yes, and crowds will come with them to see it." + +"Well, I didn't think men could be so stupid." + +"Wait till you see them at it, and you'll understand. Here they +come! I hear the people shouting. There they are! That's Wales!" + +"They look very nice in their red jerseys. I hope they'll win." + +"I hope not, by jingo! or I'll lose half a--eh; why do you hope +they'll win? Wouldn't you be better pleased if Scotland won?" + +"No; I think if they are at the trouble to come all this length, it +would be only kindness of our side to let them win, and then they +would go home pleased." + +"There's Scotland coming in at the other end; hooray!" + +"I hope they'll win too. They look very nice, but their jerseys are +not so clean; they might have had them washed when they are receiving +company. That's not a rough game. I've heard they were sometimes +rough with each other." + +"They haven't begun yet; that's only a bit fun to stretch themselves. +There's a pigeon away." + +"Where did it come from, dear?" + +"The reporters; there, it's away to the office with a message." + +"The dear, sweet, innocent thing; I hope it will find its way; it's +flying round about, poor thing." + +"Oh, it's all right. Scotland's lost the toss; they're kicking off." + +"I wonder you can laugh, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky a few minutes +later; "didn't you see one of the Wales men knocked over, and his +trousers are all mud, and the clumsy fellow who did it never stopped +to apologise. No wonder the English think we're a set of savages. +Hold your tongue, dear; don't shout like that. I wouldn't encourage +them, and the people will hear you. There's another man down; it's +perfectly disgraceful; and there's that stupid policeman looking on +and pretending he doesn't see it. Now, if that were to happen in the +street, he would take the man up quick enough. If I were these men +from Wales, I would never come back." + +"Well stopped, Cameron!" shouted M'Cranky. + +"Oh, do you know them, dear? He's knocked down, I declare. The +Welshmen are no better than ours. Is the little one Cameron?" + +"Yes, yes; don't haver, it was well stopped." + +"But that Welshman ought to be ashamed of himself; he's so much +bigger than Cameron. Is he nice?--Cameron, I mean." + +"Yes, a very nice fellow." + +"Well, I think it's cruel to behave like that; he might have been +hurt. What's the use of behaving like that? I don't understand what +they're trying to do. What's the use of--look at that! I'm not +going to stay here any longer; somebody is sure to get hurt. There +was a man took another by the neck and deliberately threw him on the +ground, just because he had the ball, I suppose. What's the use of +fighting like that over a ball? Can they not take the other one--I +saw them bring in two--and let each side use their own ball? Do you +see any fun in that? Come away home, dear; you're shaking with cold." + +M'Cranky was shaking, but it was with excitement. + +"Not precious likely," he said. "I wouldn't miss this for anything. +Pass! The idiot! why didn't he pass?" + +"He couldn't get past, dear. You shouldn't speak like that. Didn't +you see that man took a hold of him as if he had been a pickpocket? +What are they doing now?" + +"Scrimmage." + +"I declare the people are all mad, shouting 'Scotland.' Can't they +see the poor fellows are doing their best; and, besides, it's bad +taste before the visitors. I can't understand you men; you wouldn't +hurt a fly, and yet you laugh and shout 'well played' or something +when a man throws another down and falls on the top of him. I didn't +think you could be so cruel." + +"Rubbish! Well saved again, Cameron! Played, MacGregor!" + +"If you know the gentlemen, you should speak to them, dear; tell them +not to be so rough, and I'm sure they would enjoy the game better. +What will their mothers say when they go home with their clothes in +such a mess! I wouldn't let them play if they were mine." + +"Half-time. Well, the Scotch should do something next half, with +what wind there is in their favour." + +"Is it not finished, dear? I don't think we should stay. I'm sure +you'll catch cold; you've just been shivering all the time. Is that +slices of lemon they're getting? I think they should get some nice +warm water to wash themselves, they are all so dirty; and I'm sure +they would be the better of a cup of tea. It seems very difficult to +do what they are trying, and no wonder; when any one got the ball and +was running away, that gentleman with the flag blew a whistle and +brought him back. What business has he to interfere?" + +"He's referee, and it must have been thrown forward." + +"Well, but one couldn't help that, if it's wrong. If I had the ball +I would just run on, and pretend not to hear the whistle. He spoilt +the game several times, and I'm sure they're all gentlemen, who +wouldn't do anything unfair, though they are rough with each other." + +"They're off again; Sco--otland!" + +"Hold your tongue, dear; they're just working like slaves. I don't +see how they can call that a game." + +"D-- it, they're in! Isn't--that--most----" + +"For shame, dear! You shouldn't speak like that. I don't see why +you should pay to get in here, for you don't seem to have enjoyed it +a bit. Has Wales won?" + +"They've got a try--humbug!" + +"Well, I'm very glad, after all their trouble coming here." + +"Well played, Leggat! He's always on the spot when wanted." + +"Now, isn't that simply disgraceful! They've torn a man's jersey. I +believe the Welsh are just as bad as our fellows. Now, it's enough +to give that poor fellow his death of cold, when he's heated; and the +people are laughing, too, as if it was fun; but they seem to expect +that sort of thing, for there's a man coming with another. I think +they would require to keep a stock of wooden legs, if they go on that +way. That's not the way gentlemen should behave." + +"Our backs are weak," said M'Cranky to himself. + +"Well, that one who had his jersey torn off has a very strong back; +don't you think so? Now, there's one of the Welshmen hurt! I knew +something would happen. It's perfectly disgraceful in a civilised +country. Somebody should really write to the papers about it; and +what are the policemen doing here if they allow that sort of conduct? +They're taking off his stocking, poor fellow; I hope he'll have more +sense than try football again, but there's not one better than +another." + +"Oh, he's all right; he's getting up again." + +"Well, if I were him I would just say I wouldn't play; he's quite +lame, poor fellow. I can't understand it; he's going to play again. +Well, I hope it'll be a lesson to them all to be more careful; but I +would like to go home, dear. I'm afraid some one will get hurt. You +might come away; you know you're just exciting yourself for nothing. +What do you say to having a cup of tea with----" + +"Tea, be blowed! I'm not going to move. Scotland hasn't scored yet, +and it's time they were hurrying up." + +"I wonder you can be so cruel, dear. I think they have all more need +of a rest." + +"By jingo! there's Menzies in! No, he's brought back. Isn't that +most----" + +"Be careful, dear; people will hear you." + +"Another try for Wales--well, I'm----" + +"Hush, dear, we should really go away; you're getting quite cross." + +"No wonder; it would make a saint swear--two tries to nothing!" + +As Wales added a goal and a try to their score, M'Cranky got more +excited, and his language waxed stronger; and when the game was over, +he left in the worst of humours. + +"I'm sure you haven't enjoyed it a bit," said Mrs. M'Cranky, "and I'm +very glad, for you'll not go back again. I know I wouldn't sit again +to see young men treat each other so roughly." + +M'Cranky wished the game was to be played over again, and regretted +there was not to be another International Match in Scotland this +year; in any case, Mrs. M'Cranky won't be asked to go again. + + + + +MR. M'CRANKY + +Mr. M'Cranky is not a bad sort of man--as long as things go smoothly, +but he hasn't a morsel of patience, and gets out of temper if his +wife can't find anything he wants at once. + +One night at dinner he said: "By the by, I've got two tickets for the +concert to-night; care to go? I'm not one of those fellows who never +think of taking their wives anywhere; in fact, I think wives would be +much cheerier to their husbands if they were taken out oftener." + +"Oh, that will be delightful!" said Mrs. M'Cranky, "only I wish you +had told me yesterday, so that I could have had my dress----" + +"Had your dress turned or trimmed, or something; that's the worst of +asking a woman to go anywhere; as much trouble about it." + +M'Cranky settled down to the evening paper, in front of the fire, +with his feet on the grate, and Mrs. M'Cranky bustled away to get out +his dress suit, and put studs and links in his shirt, laying them all +out, ready to put on. + +When she was half dressed she cried: "It's time you were getting +ready, dear." + +"All right. I don't take an afternoon to dress; five minutes 'll do +me." + +After being called on about a dozen times, he went to dress, and +found his wife struggling with a hook-and-eye at her back. + +"Will you put in this hook, dear?" she said. + +"H'm, you might be able to put on your own clothes by this time; +con--found--" then he gave a tug, and his finger slipped and got +scratched against the hook, and he said something that sounded like +"damaged." + +"Never mind, dear, I'll do it myself." + +"Where's my shirt?" + +"On the bed, dear." + +"It isn't." + +"I put everything out, ready for you; rise--oh! that's too bad, +you've been sitting on it; your best one too, and look at it!" + +"Never mind, gimme't. Hullo, as usual, no button on the back; you +might manage to keep one button on a shirt; if I were a woman----" + +"That's the new patent one you bought; it doesn't require a button." + +"Oh, you just glue the collar to it, eh? or fix it with a screw-nail +to the back of my neck? D'ye think I'm going with a collar up the +back of my ears, like Sir Walter Raleigh? Gimme a one-button shirt." + +"That's the one you got to--; it only requires a stud at the back; +you said it was a 'great idea.'" + +"See a stud, then." + +"I haven't one, dear; didn't you get one with the shirt? Never mind, +I'll fix it with a pin; it'll do for the night." + +"All right, look alive. What are you--? You needn't pin it to my +neck. Where's my tie? fasten it up." + +"Can't you put on your own clothes yet, dear?" said Mrs. M'Cranky +venturing on a mild retaliation. + +"Smart, eh? where's my--. Oh, here it is. Now, hurry up; you're no +further on than when I came into the room, and I'm nearly dressed." + +"I've been attending to you, dear." + +"Now, look here, we've only--. Hullo, my watch is standing." + +"Perhaps you forgot to wind it up when you came home from that dinner +last n--this morning." + +"Where's the key? it's a strange thing women must dust everything out +of sight. I've spoken till I'm tired, but you're all the same. +Where is the key? I put it in the tray last night, and it's away. +Can you not get it into that idiot's head to leave these things where +she finds them?" + +M'Cranky will not profit by experience; he has a feeling that +whenever he puts out the gas, his slippers quietly creep under the +bed or the dressing-table, and he has not yet discovered that their +apparently supernatural disappearance is due to the way he throws +them off. He has also to learn, in spite of years of experience, +that looking for anything is not his forte, and that the missing +article is generally where he left it, or in his pocket. + +"If you left it there, it must be----" + +"Left it there? Of course I did; I always put it in that tray; but +of all the idiots you ever had, I think this one beats them. Tell +her to go for a cab." + +Mrs. M'Cranky rang, and hearing her say: "Tell Dickson to send a cab +in about five minutes, Sarah," her husband continued: "Look alive, +then, an' get dressed. The concert's to-night, you know. Where's my +hanky? You always let me out without one, unless I remember. + +"I laid one out for you, dear." + +"Let's see you lift it then." + +Mrs. M'Cranky was busy coiling up her hair and fastening it with +hairpins, taking them from the usual receptacle (her mouth), so that +she could not speak distinctly. + +"I waid it on the beb, dear." + +"Oh, you 'waid it on the beb,' did you? Would you just indicate +where that is?" + +Mrs. M'Cranky looked round and said: "There it's in your breast, +dear." + +"Look alive then; I don't want to go in late, as if it were church, +and you had a new bonnet on. Hurry up; I'm all ready." + +"Are you going in your stocking soles, dear?" + +"Where's my shoes? Oh, here they are, now; hurry up, if you intend +to go." + +"I'm ready, dear; have you got everything?" + +"Yes, yes; come on, for any sake." + +Mrs. M'Cranky can't leave the house without giving the domestic a lot +of instructions, and, as usual, when she was in the lobby, she began: +"Sarah, put out the gas in the dining-room and shut the door, and +keep the cat in the----" + +"Oh, come on." + +"I'm coming, dear; and, Sarah--"; then she whispered something, +finishing with--"for supper, when we come home." + +"Are you coming to-night?" + +"Yes, dear; have you got the opera glass?" + +"No; where is it?" + +"In the drawer there. Sarah, have a good fire on, and--" and then +followed more whispered injunctions, concluding with "for breakfast." + +When they were seated in the cab, Mrs. M'Cranky said: "Have you got +the tickets, dear?" + +"No; con--found it. Hi! cabby; turn back; that's the worst of taking +women anywhere." + +"How, dear; can you get in without a ticket?" + +Mr. M'Cranky was so long looking for the tickets that Mrs. M'Cranky +went into help him, but he had just discovered them in his topcoat +pocket. + +"What did you worry me about the tickets for?" he asked, angrily. "I +had them all right." + +"Sarah, have you put out the----?" + +"Oh, come on." + +In paying the cabman, M'Cranky found he hadn't the necessary +sixpence, and after fumbling in his pockets, he asked his wife: "Have +you a sixpence?" + +"No, dear, I'm sorry." + +"H'm! you never have any money." + +"I know, dear; I wish you would give me some more frequently." + +The doors were not open, and M'Cranky's small stock of patience had +long been exhausted, and though he had been bustling his wife, he +said: "Now, you see! you would rush me out; we've half an hour to +wait. Just like you women; no idea of the value of time. I might +have had a comfortable smoke." + +"Do you make money smoking, dear? we ought to be quite wealthy." + +Though there was a considerable time to wait, Mrs. M'Cranky quite +enjoyed herself, studying the dresses of the new arrivals, and +pleased to bow to those she knew, as it showed them she had a +considerate husband, and M'Cranky had the satisfactory feeling that +he had done his duty as a husband. + +On their return from the concert, Mrs. M'Cranky observed her husband +taking the missing watch-key from his vest pocket; but her previous +experiences in similar circumstances made her take no notice of his +mistake. + + + + +THE SINGING LESSON + +I once had a lesson in singing, though those who have heard me sing +are sceptical. I got it from a dairyman--a peculiar speaker. His +tongue seemed too large for his mouth, as if it had been made for his +big brother. I knew that he was fond of singing, because he had told +me he had "A chertificate frae the Choral Union. Oh, I got it framed +up in the hooth yonder"; and knowing this, I asked him on one +occasion how he was getting on with singing. "Oh, I'm gettin' on +first rate noo. Man, I wath goin' on the wrang sthyle a'thegither, +but I got thum letth'ns frae an Italian chap--what wath this his name +wath again? Ye wad ken him fine; he wath in the Italian opery. Aye, +hith name was thignor--aye, his first name was thignor something. +Dash't, I wath thorry for the puir chap. Dash't, his very pianny +wath p'inded! Ay, its an' awfu' thing that drink! By the by, +thpeakin' aboot drink, I've left the auld man an' thartit a public +hooth. Aweel, thinks I, thith ith a fine chance to get thum letth'ns +in thingin' on the cheap, theein' he wuth hard up; tho' when I wath +therv'n' um wi' milk, thays I, 'What d'ye chairge for letth'ns in +thingin'?' Thays he, 'Fower guineaths for twelve letth'ns.' 'Oh, +dash it,' thays I, 'thath's ower much for me,' an' I wath gaun awa' +oot at th' door, an' of course he thocht he was gaun to loose a +customer, so says he, 'What'll ye thtand us?' Oh, he could thpeak +English as weelth mysel'. 'I'll stand ye a shovrin,' I thays. 'Very +weel,' thays he. 'Noo let me hear ye thing yer favourite thang, so +that I can get the thtyle o' yere v'ice. 'So I starths him on 'Annie +Laurie'--thath's my favrit yin, ye ken--an' here's the way ye gang at +it"; and taking a big breath, and pointing to the middle of his vest, +he explained, "They dae a' thing frae here nooadays," and started: +"'Hey, Maxwelton braes are bonnie.' Div ye see, accent on the 'max'; +then there was anither bit I wath gaun on the wrang style +a'thegither--thath's the bit whaur it says, 'I wad lay me doon and +dee.' Hereth the way I was singin' 't, 'I wad lay-hay me do-hoon and +a dee-he.' 'Stop a meenit,' this Italian chaps ays; 'stop wan +meenit. Wha the devil,' he thays, 'ever heard,' says he, 'o' +onybody,' he says, "'Lay-hayin themsel's do-hoon an' dee-heein'."' +An' it's dasht nonsense when ye come to think o't. Then there was +anither bit I was gaun on the wrang style a'thegither--thath's the +bit that thays, 'Which ne'er forgot shall be'; an' this is the way ye +gang at it: 'Which ne'er forgot shall be--and for bonnie.' Div ye +thee jist let ye're v'ice die away, an' fill yersel' up wi' wind, an' +on to the next line. 'Noo,' thays he, 'when ye're gaun up the scale, +tak' the broad Italian _a_; for inst'nce, when ye come to the tap +notes, ye'll find ye're compress'n twa-thirds o' yer thrapple +thegethir.' An' the chap's quite richt. I've seen me when I was at +the Corn Exchange, when Wully Gladstone was there, hear Sir John +Cowan o' Beeslack; an' thays he--a thpeakin' frae his thrapple; jist +what the Italian chap was sayin'--'Gentlemen, electurth of +Midlothian,' compressin' his thrapple. Dash't, ye couldna' hear him +back three sates; but when Wully Gladstone cam' to the front o' the +pletform, what a difference--a' wind"; and as an example he repeated +"Gentlemen electors" in a deep stentorian voice, contrasting with his +high-pitched imitation of the chairman, as he remarked about +Gladstone: "That's the very way he spoke. I didna ken till I gaed up +to this Italian that a' they thingers an' elocutionists an' +ministers, an' a' they devils, they a' go in for this new-fashioned +v'ice production." + + + + +DAVID AND GOLIATH + +The moral of this story is, "Ne sutor ultra crepidam," or "The +shoemaker should stick to his stool," or creepie, as it is in the +Latin, and in this case it is illustrated by the result of a butcher +trying to preach. + +Before the Forth Bridge was built--of course the incident happened a +considerable time before the famous structure was erected; but +previous to its means of transit, a steamer used to cross daily to +the Fife shore, and on Thursday nights among the passengers there was +a revival preacher; but one night, on account of a storm, the boat +did not venture to cross, and the people of a Fife village were left +without one to conduct the service. After waiting some time, Tom +Carmichael, the village butcher, was pressed to take the position of +pastor. Unfortunately, Tom had never previously spoken in public, +and he had the further drawback of having an impediment in his +speech, which was accentuated when, as in his present position, he +was nervous through excitement. + +As the audience was principally composed of children, on account of +the mental food supplied, Tom had the brilliant idea of adopting the +thrilling story of David and Goliath, to show the boys what they +might be able to achieve if they tried very hard, and proceeded after +the following fashion: "I--I--I'm called on rather su-suddenly to +address the meetin'--address the meetin'; hooever, I'll tell ye aboot +David an' Goliath. When David was a little boy, ye know--a little +boy, jist like some o' yersel's, he was jist a wee bit chappie, a +curly-heided callant; maby dozin' his peerie, his top, or playin' at +bools in front o' his faither's door, on the ca-ca-causeway, on the +pa-pavement, the plainstanes, when his fa-faither comes oot, cries +'Dauvit,' or maby 'Davie'--'Here, I want ye to rin awa' ower to the +battlefield wi' some denner to the laddies.' An' of course Dauvit +was quite pleased to gang, ye ken, bicus he had twa brithers in the +militia, an' he wad like to gang up to hear the band playin'. So he +gaed awa'--gaed awa' to the battlefield, an' the chi-chi-children of +Israel were a' there; the ch-ildren of Israel--an' their parents nae +doot--an' they were a' brused frae fechtin'. It was their +denner-hour, an' they were a' afraid--no man would go oot an' meet +the giant, this was Goliath of the Phillipstines. He was a big man, +a muckle man; he stood aboot eight feet six in his stockin' soles--in +fact, a' the giants were big men in those days. But David says to +them, says he, 'What are ye a' feard for?' says he; 'I'll gang oot +an' meet him.' So they took him ower to Saul's tent an' put some +airmour on; but David said, 'That'll no dae for me; tak' it off, tak' +it off.' So he gaed awa' doon to the burnside--no a big burn, nor a +river, nor an ocean, but jist a common wee bit burnie brook; an' he +pickit up some stanes, no big stanes, nor a lump o' rock, but jist a +pebble, a ch-ch-uckie, an' he gaed awa' oot to meet this giant, this +was Goliath o' the Phillictsines, a man aboot the height o'--a common +haystack. An' when Goliath saw the laddie, says he--stickin' his +thumbs in his waistcoat sleeves, 'What are ye wantin' here?' says he. +An' David says, 'I'll sune let ye see.' An' Goliath says, 'Wull ye, +my man; I'm thinkin' ye'll sune be goin' back in the ambulance +waggon.' But David never let on he heard him, but he just put a +chuckie in the sling an' let him have it; struck him on his big fozie +heid--on the brow, the temple, atween his een, abune the nose; an' +Goliath cries oot: 'What are ye dain? D'ye ken that's sair.' Aye, +he hadna time to cry a barly, he was fair dumbfoundered--sic a thing +as a chuckie had never entered his heid before; but David jist felled +him to the ground, an' syne up came the ch-ch-ildren of Israel, +rinnin,' an' says they: 'What are ye dain' lyin' there, ye muckle +sumph; can ye no' get up an' fecht the laddie?' An', says Goliath: +'Hoo can I get up an' fecht the laddie? D'ye no' see I'm thrang +deein'.' But David jist ran awa' roond an' got oot his sword an' +cutt it aff his heid--cuttit aff his heid, an' took it hame wi' +him--took it hame wi' him, and--eh--there's a fine moral kickin' +aboot here somewhere; I forget what it is, but if ye meet wi' ony big +difficulty like Goliath o' the Phillipstines, jist act like little +David, the wee boy." + + + + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76637 *** |