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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76637 ***
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Cover art]
+
+
+
+[Frontispiece: "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER
+_By Henry W. Kerr; R.S.A._]
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Title page]
+
+
+
+  WEE
+  JOHNNIE
+  PATERSON
+  & OTHER HUMOROUS SKETCHES
+
+
+  BY W. GRANT STEVENSON, R.S.A.
+
+
+
+  T. N. FOULIS
+  EDINBURGH, LONDON & BOSTON
+  MCMXIV
+
+
+
+
+  _New Edition, with additional sketches,
+  published September 1914._
+
+
+  Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & Co.
+  at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+Laziness and modesty are my excuses for publishing the following
+Stories.
+
+Being frequently accosted by friends and strangers, who say, "Would
+it be too much to ask you to write out one or two of your Stories for
+me, as I occasionally do a bit of reciting myself? and if you wrote
+out one or two for me I would be obliged," I feel that my spare
+evenings would be rendered monotonous by the repetition of writing
+them, and at the same time I have a diffidence in refusing; it has
+therefore occurred to me that an easy and pleasant way out of my
+embarrassment would be to have them printed, so that I could present
+copies to the gentlemen who honour me by their requests.  Had it not
+been for chronic laziness I should have responded to a flattering
+letter from a gentleman in Natal, who wrote:
+
+
+"DEAR SIR,--When in Edinburgh I had the pleasure of hearing you give
+some of your Stories, and if you would kindly write me out a few I
+would give them to the best of my ability,--and I am considered
+rather good at reciting,--and they would be greatly appreciated by
+the fellows here."
+
+
+I have not answered the request, though the postage has been reduced
+from sixpence to twopence-halfpenny, and I often think how ashamed I
+should be if the stranger were to revisit Edinburgh and upbraid me
+for my want of courtesy.  We are told to "be kind to strangers," and
+I have missed an opportunity.
+
+With one or two exceptions, the Stories have appeared in the
+_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_, and are here reprinted with the kind
+permission of the Editor. W. G. S.
+
+
+This the Fourth Edition of _Wee Johnnie Paterson_ is being issued in
+compliance with repeated requests, in more convenient form and with
+new stories added.  The authorship and paternity of "David and
+Goliath," having undergone various vicissitudes, is here inserted in
+compliance with perennial demands.
+
+W. G. S.
+
+
+
+
+THE LIST OF CONTENTS
+
+
+WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON
+
+BOYS
+
+AN AMATEUR COOK
+
+THE M'CRANKYS AT A PARTY
+
+BURNS'S ANNIVERSARY AND THE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON
+
+JOHNNIE GIBB'S FUNERAL
+
+SPRING CLEANING
+
+A MARRIAGE
+
+AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES
+
+"HOW D'YE DO?"
+
+M'CRANKY'S BRACE OF GROUSE
+
+M'CRANKY'S DECEPTIONS ABOUT GOLF
+
+MRS. M'CRANKY AT THE INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL MATCH
+
+MR. M'CRANKY
+
+THE SINGING LESSON
+
+DAVID AND GOLIATH
+
+
+
+
+  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+  "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS
+  PARTNER ..... Frontispiece
+      _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._
+
+  "DROPPING A COPPER INTO THE DISH OF A BLIND MAN
+      _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._
+
+  "THE CONFOUNDED PAN WAS LEAKING, AND I HAD
+  NOT NOTICED IT"
+      _By J. A. Ford_
+
+  THE BRIG O' DOON
+      _By J. Marjoribanks Hay_
+
+  "I'M JUST WASHIN' SOME PEENIES"
+      _By R. M'Gregor, R.S.A._
+
+  TWO HAPPY HUSBANDS
+      _By R. B. Nisbet, R.S.A._
+
+  "I'M FAIR LAME WI' THAE RHEUMATICS"
+      _By W. Grant Stevenson, R.S.A._
+
+
+
+
+WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON
+
+Mrs. Johnstone was a woman who had a bad habit of being unable to
+tell one story at a time; she was always branching off with
+parenthetical observations.  One day she came to me in a state of
+great excitement and said, "Isn't this an awfu' thing that's happened
+to wee Johnnie Paterson?"
+
+"I haven't heard about it," I said.  "What is it?"
+
+"Weel, I'll tell ye hoo it happened, John--tuts, excuse me ca'in' ye
+John--that's my man's name, ye ken; an' when a wummin's been mairrit
+for three-an'-twenty year--ay, it's a lang time! though I couldna
+wish a kinder or a better man than John--no--imphm; an' d'ye ken,
+we've seen some gey ups an' doons since I was mairrit.  D'ye ken, I
+mind when the sugar was a shillin' the pund an' the loaf was
+eleven-pence--imphm; ay, bit that's no what I was tellin' ye though.
+What was't I was sayin', again?  Ouay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson.
+I'm sorry for the laddie, though he's a wild laddie tae.  I'll tell
+ye hoo it happened: I was jist gaun awa' doon for a penny wuth o'
+soor milk tae the bairns an' John--for he's rale fond o' a drink o'
+'soor dook,' as he ca's 't.  He says he wudna gie a drink o' soor
+dook for a' yer beers; an' I'm share it's a great blessin', an' a
+hantle cheaper.  There's Tam Wud's wife: I dinna ken hoo she manages
+to bring up her bairns, for Tam never gangs hame wi' his wages sober
+on a Setterday nicht; but I'm thinkin' the grocer kens, puir man! an'
+d'ye ken that's a thing I wudna like tae dae--no--imphm.  Aweel, ay,
+bit that's no what I was gaun tae tell ye though.  What was't again?
+Ou ay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson, puir laddie!  D'ye ken, I'm rale
+sorry for the laddie's mother tae.  I'll tell ye hoo it happened: I
+was jist gaun awa' doon for the penny wuth o' soor milk, as I was
+sayin', tae Mrs. White, puir body! for d'ye ken, I aye like tae get
+my milk fae Mrs. White, for she deserves great credit for the way
+she's brocht up her family since her man was killed, seven year
+since, an' left her wi' five sma' bairns.  Puir Tam White!  he was
+comin' hame yae day wi' a cairt o' gress for the kye, an' disn't yin
+o' the wheels come aff, an' here was Tam landit on the croon o' his
+heid on a stane, an' he was fund lyin' deid--through pure
+laziness--ay, for if he hadna been sittin' on a loadened cairt he
+couldna a' been cowpit aff, ye ken.  Aweel, ay, bit that's no what I
+was gaun to tell ye though.  What was't I was--ou ay--aboot wee
+Johnnie Paterson.  I'll tell ye hoo it happened: here am n't I gaun
+awa' doon for the pennywuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', an' I had
+my wee bit bairn wi' me, an' it began tae whine an' greet, an' I
+couldna think what was wrang wi't, for it's a guid bairn for usual;
+an' when I lookit at the shawl that's roond it, isn't here a preen
+stickin' in't, and ye couldna expec' the bit bairn tae be guid, an'
+me makin'a preen-cushion o't.  Ay! it's as guid a bairn's ever I had,
+an' I've had five; but three o' them's deid.  Yin deid wi' its teeth,
+an' yin deid wi' its inside, an' yin deid wi' its granny, but it's a
+rale healthy place this though; they tell me it's eleven hunder feet
+aboon the level o' the sea.  But I'm thinkin' that's jist a kind o'
+guess wark, for there's nae sea here tae measure fae; ay, ye'll find
+it a quiet place this, but d'ye ken it's naething tae the shepherd's
+hoose up the water; they're seven miles fae onybody, an' their wee
+bit lassie--a bairn twa year an' a half auld--she never had seen
+onybody in her life but her faither an' her mother, an' yae day there
+was a man gaun fishin' up the water, an' when she saw um she ran awa'
+into the hoose an' cries, 'Mother! there's something comin' up the
+water the same shape's my faither.'  Ay, ye'll find it an aufu'
+difference fae Edinburgh.  I never was in Edinburgh but yince.  Me
+an' John--that's my man, ye ken--gaed awa' in tae see oor auldest
+laddie Johnnie, a sojer up at the Castle yonder; an' when we gaed
+awa' up, here he's walkin' up an' doon at the front door, an' I says,
+'What are ye walkin' aboot there for, Johnnie?  Wull they no let ye
+in?'"
+
+"'Let me in! wummin; I'm walkin' here for a century.'"
+
+"So John--that's my man, ye ken--he says, 'Are ye no comin' doon tae
+the Lawnmarket for a refreshment?'"
+
+"'Mun,' says he, 'I canna leave my post.'"
+
+"'Ta, gie that laddie a penny tae haud yer gun.'"
+
+"Aweel, we gaed awa' doon tae the Lawnmarket, an' d'ye ken there was
+the awfu'est row ever ye heard tell o' when we gaed back, for leavin'
+the Castle in chairge o' a wee laddie.  Ay, bit that's no what I was
+gaun tae tell ye though.  What was't I was sayin', again?  Ouay,
+aboot wee Johnnie Paterson.  I'll tell ye hoo it happened.  I was
+gaun awa' doon for the pennywuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', an'
+jist as I was gaun roond by the back o' the auld quarry--d'ye ken, I
+aye said they should pit a palin' roond that place--here's a' the
+bairns comin' up greetin,' an'--is that a gig comin' up the road?
+That'll be the doctor's cairrage, I wager ye.  I'll awa' doon an' see
+what he says is wrang wi' um."
+
+
+And that is all I ever heard about the "fearful accident."
+
+
+
+
+BOYS
+
+'Boys will be boys'; it is a great pity, but it is an evil we have to
+face.  There is a great difference between the boys of last
+generation and the present,--not in favour of the latter.  They have
+all the faults of their fathers, with new ones added.  It is rather
+hard on the men of to-day, that when they were boys they were
+scarcely allowed to speak "in company," and now they never get a
+chance if there is a boy present.
+
+With the improvement in education, the boy of to-day knows all about
+everything, and he is eager to make his elders as wise as himself.  I
+have just had a week's experience with one of these walking
+encyclopædias, and my head is a jumble of statistics, chemistry, and
+general information, imparted from my nephew, who has been living
+with us.  The first night he came I thought I would interest him by
+developing some photographs taken on a cycling tour.  It did not
+strike me at the time that being a boy of to-day he knew everything,
+and I had at once to change the role of instructor for that of pupil.
+I was just about to start explanations of the process, when he said,
+"Yes, I know; Franky Scott in our class takes photographs; do you
+prepare your own plates?"  "No," I said, "I buy them."  "Oh! you
+could make them cheaper; I'll tell you how it is done.  Nitrate of
+silver and bromide of potassium throw a white precipitate on the
+plate; the nitrate, being sensitive to light, receives a black
+impression of anything thrown on it; and if you want to know any more
+about it, I'll write to _The Boys Own Paper_."  To preserve my
+dignity I had to pretend that I knew all about it, but hadn't time to
+prepare plates.  I am sure, however, that before the week was over he
+saw through me, and felt that if he only had me under his care for a
+month or two he could make something of me.
+
+Two ladies, who had come from Ayr to see the Exhibition, called on
+us, and in the course of conversation one asked when we were going to
+visit them at Ayr.  But before I could reply the "encyclopedia" said,
+"Ayr, on the river of that name, celebrated in connection with
+the----"
+
+"Hold your tongue," I broke in; but I heard him mumbling, "Poet
+Burns; population 24,000."
+
+When they spoke of going to the Forth Bridge he set off again.  "Its
+greatest span is 1710 feet, height above water 361 feet, while its
+total length is 2766½ yards."
+
+He seemed delighted when it was arranged that he should go to the
+Exhibition with the ladies; and so was I, as I was not going.  No
+doubt he was thinking of the amount of information he could give
+them, acting as guide; but he was rather crestfallen when he came
+home and told me that he stupidly, at their request, took them to the
+Women's Section, and could not get them out.  He wanted to explain
+dynamos to them.
+
+I remember when I was his age my ambition was to be an engine-driver,
+but he says he would like to be a professor of chemistry.
+
+I think teachers nowadays make a mistake in adding logic to their
+subjects for study; there is more than enough of it inherent in boys.
+One night his mother was telling him how bad he had been, and asked
+if he would try to be good.  Of course he promised.
+
+"Well, will you begin to-morrow?"
+
+"Oh! that's awfully soon," he said.
+
+Ages may come and go, but boys will remain the same as far as
+anything bad is concerned.  Give a boy an apple, and he will not
+enjoy it to the full till he finds another boy beside whom he can eat
+it, the other boy's envy bringing out its full flavour.
+
+[Illustration: "DROPPING A COPPER INTO THE DISH OF A BLIND MAN" _By
+Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._]
+
+The other day I was going to Glasgow; and having no desire to go via
+Queensferry on the North British line, I went to the Caledonian
+Station.  As I had a few minutes to spare, I was looking through the
+railings to the Lothian Road, when my attention was drawn to a boy
+dropping a copper into the tin dish of a blind man who was reading
+the Bible.  The reading suddenly stopped; but before the man could
+put his hand in the dish the penny was quietly withdrawn, dangling at
+the end of a string.  The operation was repeated, and the third trial
+convinced the man that he was being "sold."  "There he's coming
+again!" said the boy.  The man grasped a heavy stick, and just as a
+minister was passing he received a firm broad cut across the middle
+of his vest.  As soon as he recovered he looked about for a policeman
+to give the man in charge, but I hurried down and explained to him.
+I may have been mistaken, but I thought I recognised him from a
+sketch I had seen as one who had taken a prominent part in the
+Queen's Park Demonstration, and I strangely seemed to forgive the
+boy, who however had not waited for pardon.
+
+My nephew was not long in the house till he had examined everything,
+and among other things he fished out an old album with a musical box
+attached.  I had put it aside some years ago as broken.  "Put it out
+of the way," I said, "it's useless."  But this only added to his
+curiosity: he took it to another room, and soon brought it back,
+playing at a furious rate, as if glad at being released, and anxious
+to make up for lost time.  I hate musical boxes.  One never knows
+what they are playing, and, like boys, they seem anxious to exhibit
+all they know.  An explanation of what had been wrong was given to me
+in a tone which showed my informant saw that mechanics was another
+thing I knew little of.  The disconnecting action of the swivel
+had--something or another, I forget what; but all that was required
+was--something else.  I said I had never bothered about it, which was
+quite true; but I am sure he felt I could not have mended it if I had
+tried.
+
+The pace of the tunes gradually got slower, and what at first seemed
+to be a hornpipe was now like a dead march.  Then it seemed to be
+going to sleep, and a note only came out now and then, and it slept,
+but not for long; he had found that the key of the dining-room clock
+fitted it, and he wound it up again.
+
+"Oh! take it away," I said; and he went off to the next room, but no
+doors could keep out the sound.
+
+A happy thought occurred to me: I would give him a pistol to keep him
+quiet.  (When I was a boy I was the envy of all my companions, being
+the possessor of a shilling muzzle-loader.  But here was a
+breech-loading Tranter: how much greater would be his delight!)  I
+called him and said, "There's a pistol and a box of cartridges; go
+out to the garden and see if you can shoot a crow."  I expected he
+would receive it with delight, but he looked at it with the air of a
+connoisseur and said, "Franky Scott has a pin-fire."  I explained
+that this was a later and better invention, and he seemed pleased
+that he would be able to "take the bounce" out of Franky Scott when
+he saw him.  He seemed to be having good sport, judging by the number
+of shots he was firing, and it was not much of an improvement on the
+musical box.  When he came in to dinner he said it was a "stunner."
+He did not shoot well at first, but after a little he could strike
+the label on a box, and some of the bullets went right through.
+
+A horrible suspicion came across me, and I rushed to the back garden,
+hoping I was wrong; but I wasn't.  (One day, in going through the
+Exhibition, I was induced to taste a celebrated blend of whisky.  I
+had praised it, of course, and could not go away without ordering a
+case, and it was taken outside to be unpacked.)  I got a hammer and
+chisel, and injured several fingers in my hurry to see the extent of
+the damage.  The man had told me there was not a headache in the
+case; and he was right,--there was a little in the bottom of one or
+two bottles.
+
+Of course the boy was sorry, but not for long.  "Talking of whisky,"
+he said, "d'ye know there's four times more alcohol in absinthe?
+Sulphate of iron is mixed with it, and that's what gives it the
+semi-opaque look when mixed with water."
+
+The ladies were at dinner with us, and one was praising the chutney.
+"That's the real Indian stuff," she said.  "Mrs. Hood, a friend of
+ours, tried to make it, but it was a failure."
+
+Of course the boy knew all about it.  "I know how it would be: she
+would use apples instead of the Indian mangel, and it would be too
+sweet."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"Because Franky Scott--that's a boy in our class----"
+
+"That'll do."
+
+"Well, his father----"
+
+"Now, hold your tongue"; and I was pleased to think that Franky Scott
+would have the pride taken out of him about that pistol.
+
+
+After all, I daresay my nephew is good enough as boys go.  But then,
+look how boys go!
+
+
+
+
+AN AMATEUR COOK
+
+I wonder if any man is as clever as he imagines himself.  I know I
+have not the confidence in myself I had a month ago as an amateur
+cook.  I think it was my friend Davidson who first put the idea in my
+head to try my hand at cooking.  The way he would describe the
+cooking of steaks on his yacht would make any one's mouth water, and
+it seemed to be always steaks they had.  I asked him how he learned
+to cook, and he gave me the secret in one lesson.  He said, "You just
+use plenty butter; that's how women can't cook properly: they grudge
+butter."  It is five or six years since he first told me about his
+wonderful powers as a cook, and every time he has repeated his
+achievements--which has not been seldom--I have longed for an
+opportunity to distinguish myself, possessed as I was with the key to
+cooking.  Davidson always got quite enthusiastic on this subject.  He
+would say, "Man, when it was my turn, the fellows could hardly be
+kept on deck after the onions began to brown and the smell went up;
+and the doctor used to stand with a big rolling-pin to keep Jamie and
+the rest of them back, and every minute they would be crying down
+that it would do fine."
+
+I don't know anything about yachting, and any time I have been over
+two hours at sea I had no taste for food.  I always had more than I
+wanted.  I remember going to Dublin, and at breakfast a tureen of ham
+and eggs was placed beside me, but by the time I had helped the
+company I had to go on deck and admire the prospect.  An idea
+occurred to me, however, to get some companions to join me on a
+holiday with a caravan.  "I would attend to the cooking," I said; but
+I never got any one to agree.  I believe now if I had promoted each
+one to the office of cook I would have been successful, for I think
+every man--who has not tried it--is sure he is a born cook.
+
+"Everything comes to him who waits"; and I got an opportunity to try
+my skill last month.
+
+It came about in this way: we had taken a house in the country for
+August; and as the date approached, I found that business would
+prevent me from getting away for about a week.  "But that need not
+prevent you and the girls from going," I said to my wife.  "There's
+no use of having the house empty."
+
+"But what will you do for food?" she said.
+
+"Oh!  I can easily make my breakfast, and I can dine at the club if
+necessary."
+
+After some talking, I got them persuaded to leave me.
+
+"Well," said my wife, "I must tell you where the things are.  The tea
+is in a japanned box on the kitchen dresser.  You put in a
+teaspoonful for yourself and a spoonful to the teapot."  I wondered
+why the teapot should have equal shares with me, but said nothing, as
+Davidson had not said anything about tea.
+
+"There's cold meat in the pantry, and some tongue and sausages, and
+I'll leave word at the dairy about the cream.  Oh! and the coffee is
+in a tin on the top of the kitchen fireplace; put in two
+tablespoonfuls, and boil a breakfast-cup of milk.  You'll get clean
+underclothing in the second drawer of the wardrobe, and shirts in the
+drawer above, and the collars in the middle drawer of the
+dressing-table."
+
+There were several more injunctions thrown away on me, for my mind
+was on the cooking of a steak, and I fancied I could smell fried
+onions.
+
+When I came home the first night I tried to persuade myself that I
+rather liked the hollow, echoing sound of my footsteps in the lobby.
+The house had a dismal appearance; the furniture was rolled up in
+sheets.  However, I had the consolation of being able to smoke in
+rooms hitherto prohibited.  I could not hurt the curtains,--they were
+down; and I could not expectorate on the carpet,--it was up; but I
+could put my feet on the mantelpiece,--it was left: so were the marks
+of my boots.  I tried to read, but the stillness of the house was
+oppressive, so I went to the club to get some one to speak to.
+
+When I returned, the house seemed more deserted than before.  I
+wasn't afraid to sleep in the house by myself, but, just for the fun
+of the thing, I looked under the beds, but there was no one there, as
+of course I knew.
+
+I intended rising an hour earlier than usual to make breakfast, and
+was wakened by the bell ringing, but fell asleep.  I think it was the
+bell which wakened me again, and I rose and, after dressing, started
+to light the fire.  It was not till after considerable rummaging that
+I found the firewood, and it was a good while longer before I could
+get it to burn.  I must have used at least half a dozen newspapers
+before the wood took fire; and as I had not time to wait on the coal
+burning, I used several bundles of sticks.  The coffee wasn't a
+success.  I had put in three times as much water as was necessary,
+and it was the colour of beer.  I couldn't find the milk,--at least
+not then; but I found it when I was hurrying out, knocking it over
+with my foot.  It had been laid at the door with the morning paper on
+the top of it, and I left a stream meandering down the steps.
+
+On my way along the street I fancied I was being looked at more than
+was necessary, and found, by a mirror in a shop window, that my face
+was peculiarly tattooed with black marks through using my hands for a
+handkerchief while sweating over the fire.
+
+My great success--the steak--was yet to come off.  I would have it
+for supper, and went into a butcher's shop for it on the way home.  I
+had never been in a butcher's before, and did not know what to ask
+for.  I said, "A piece of beef, please."
+
+"Yes, sir; where off, sir?"
+
+I am not up in the anatomy of the cow, so I said, "Oh! the place you
+make steaks of."
+
+"Yes, sir; how much shall I give you, sir?"
+
+A waiter would have known, and gone off shouting "Steak one," but I
+had to indicate the size with my hands.  I didn't like the way he
+handled the meat,--he did not use a fork.
+
+"Can I send it for you, sir?"
+
+"Oh no," I said, "I'll take it with me."
+
+He wrapped it in a piece of old newspaper, and I nearly let it drop
+when I got it in my hand, it was so damp and flabby, like carrying a
+frog by the middle.  There was no use trying to persuade myself that
+people would think it was a bunch of flowers; it was hanging limp
+down each side of my hand, and I had not gone far till the blood
+oozed through the paper.  I felt like a cannibal.  Of course the fire
+was to light again; and as I did not like the kitchen range, I lit
+the dining-room fire.
+
+I think Davidson would make a capital recruiting sergeant, he is so
+good at showing the bright side of things: he never alluded to the
+difficulty and pain connected with slicing onions.  After getting the
+outer coat off I had to hold the onion at arm's length, my eyes were
+nipping so badly; then they are so slippery inside that it is almost
+impossible to keep a hold while cutting off a slice.  Sometimes the
+knife went down with a bang on the table, and the onion would shoot
+out of my hand to the floor.
+
+The fire had plenty of time to burn up before the operation was
+concluded, and I was now ready for my great triumph.  There was a
+very disagreeable feeling in unfolding the steak,--it felt so dead;
+but I dug a fork in it and landed it in the pan.  I had no
+compunction about the onions; they had made me suffer.
+
+There is a sort of musical sound in the fritter from a pan; and I
+waited for the tempting smell, but it was not what I expected.  It
+brought to mind the days of my boyhood when I was in a smithy and a
+hot shoe was being applied to a horse's foot.  Hang it! the butter.
+"Where on earth is the butter?"  I searched all the presses for it,
+and at last found it on the table beside me.  I quickly put in a
+large piece, and in a second the fire blazed up the chimney.  The
+confounded pan was leaking, and I had not noticed it at first.
+
+[Illustration: "THE CONFOUNDED PAN WAS LEAKING, AND I HAD NOT NOTICED
+IT" _By J. A. Ford_]
+
+The steak was ruined: one side was like charcoal, and the other quite
+raw.  It was annoying.  If I only had another steak and another pan,
+and some one to slice the onions, I could now do it all right.  As it
+was, I had to wash myself and hurry out of the house to get away from
+the smell.
+
+The next morning I made my final attempt at cooking.  I remembered
+about the milk, and took it and the paper in, reading the news while
+the milk boiled.  It took so long that I forgot about it, till it
+suddenly boiled over, and the grate and the fender were in a fearful
+mess, and the fire nearly out, before I could lift it off.
+
+I remembered, now it was too late, that I was to be careful not to
+allow the milk to boil, but the thought of the steak had put
+everything else out of my head.  I gave it up in despair, and
+breakfasted at the club.  I think Davidson has been drawing on my
+credulity: there is more than butter in cooking.
+
+That night I thought I would go to another bedroom, as my bed
+required making; and it was not till I had screwed out the gas and
+jumped in that I found there were no blankets.  I couldn't find
+matches, and had to grope my way to my own room, knocking my toes
+several times on the way; and when I did get into my own bed, I had
+great difficulty in arranging the blankets to cover my feet and
+shoulders simultaneously.
+
+I have often noticed that creaky doors seem to wait till one gets
+warm in bed before they begin, and I have as often made up my mind
+that it is best to get up at the first creak and go to sleep, and as
+often I have not acted up to my resolution.  I was just cozy when a
+door started to serenade me--"cre-a-k, bump."
+
+"Another creak," I thought, "and I'll get up."  I waited, and had the
+encore.  "I'll give it another chance; it's a pity to get up, as I
+might not get the blankets arranged again."  I gave it several more
+chances, and it took every one.  I seemed to bump against everything
+in the house when I got up.  Before I could find out the creaker I
+stood shivering in the lobby, but there was not a sound.  However,
+now that I was up, I determined to find it out.  At last it betrayed
+itself, and I secured it.  I had no idea now where I was, and got
+myself badly bruised before getting to my room; and I locked the door
+next morning, and took a room in the club.
+
+When I did go to the country I never enjoyed myself less.  I felt
+like a culprit whose crime was soon to be discovered.  I would hear
+more about it on our return; but I did not expect to hear so much
+about it as I did.  I had no idea I had done so much damage.
+
+"You have broken three cups of the marriage set--a present from
+mamma.  I wouldn't have had them broken for the world; they can't be
+replaced.  You have scratched the mantelpiece with your boots, and it
+will never look decent again: and, I declare! if you have not been
+cooking on the dining-room fire, and ruined the grate and fender.
+And the girl tells me you have cracked the stewing-pan.  I might have
+known better than leave a man in the house: there's not a clean dish
+in the house, and--oh! this is too bad; look at the
+tablecloth--spoiled!"  I looked at it, and it was not attractive, I
+must admit--there were rings of soot on it from the coffee-pot, and a
+variety of stains.
+
+I brought philosophy to bear on the subject, and said, "Well, there's
+no use crying over spilt milk."
+
+"But it's not milk--it's coffee, and wine, and soot," replied my
+wife, "and it will never come out."  But it only shows, as I had
+often thought, that women have no philosophy.
+
+
+However, I shall never try cooking again, one reason being that I
+shall not be allowed.
+
+
+
+
+M'CRANKYS AT A PARTY
+
+"Mr. and Mrs. Gibson at home, Friday 17th," Mrs. M'Cranky read from
+an invitation card she received by the morning post.
+
+"Where have they been?" said M'Cranky, looking up from his Scotsman.
+
+"It's an invitation for us, dear, and we'll have to go, because we've
+promised for a long time to call on them, and the dress I got for
+Annie's marriage will do nicely with a little----"
+
+"Humbug!  If there's anything worse than the worry of having a party
+at home, it's having to go out to one, getting into cold clothes when
+one is just feeling comfortable after dinner, and being expected to
+keep up a continual smile for four or five hours; and then, when
+we're leaving, thank the people for a very pleasant evening when
+we've just been dying to get home for a smoke.  You just write and
+say that----"
+
+"No, dear, I can't say that; we must go, for Mrs. Gibson's expecting
+us, and I said we were not engaged."
+
+"How on earth could you say that when you've just this minute got the
+invitation?"
+
+"I met Mrs. Gibson the other day, and she told me she was going to
+invite us, and hoped we would be able to come; and I said we would be
+very happy, and I knew you were not engaged."
+
+"And if you accepted the invitation, what's the use of her writing?"
+
+"Oh, that doesn't count, you know; and she told me they were getting
+a neat card printed, and of course she would want me to see it; and
+I've to go down the night before to show her how to make a cream I
+got the recipe for from Aggie, and I've to tell her how the Gray's
+table was laid out, for she heard it was very much admired: so it
+would never do not to go."
+
+"I see; it's all settled before you get the invitation.  Well, mind
+you will leave at eleven."
+
+"Whenever you like, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky, knowing that if he got
+seated at whist he would not be in a hurry to leave.
+
+
+"Will you take lunch at the club to-day, dear?" said Mrs. M'Cranky on
+the morning of the 17th, "and I'll just take something light at home."
+
+"What's up now?  There's no use turning up the house, for we'll be
+going away soon, and last year when you had the painters in you said
+you wouldn't require----"
+
+"I'm not going to touch the house, dear.  This is the night of
+Gibson's party, and there's to be a nice supper.  I was down last
+night helping her, and I've ordered the cab for half-past seven, for
+I've to see how the table looks."
+
+Mr. M'Cranky kept up a fusillade of grumbling while dressing, but
+Mrs. M'Cranky was too excited to take any notice; and when the cab
+had deposited them at the door Mr. M'Cranky said to the driver,
+"Eleven o'clock."  "Right, sir," said Jehu.  Mrs. M'Cranky had left
+word at the office that they were to be called for at one o'clock, so
+she pretended to look inside the cab to see if she had left anything;
+and while M'Cranky was going up the steps she said to the driver,
+"You understand," and he replied with a knowing look, "All right,
+mum."
+
+As they were about the first to arrive, the time was occupied by
+looking over the albums, with explanations by Mr. Gibson as to who
+the photographs represented, with the relationship between the young
+lady on the present page and the old gentleman two leaves back, which
+seemed to be of great interest to the spectators.  Then there were
+the curiosities to be shown.  "This," said Mr. Gibson, lifting a
+fusty-looking thing from a bracket, "is a spider's nest, sent by my
+son Tom from Queensland.  He is in a bank there, and getting on very
+well.  He's engaged to that young lady I showed you the photograph
+of"; and as he threatened to produce the album again, the gentlemen
+all said they remembered--"Nice-looking lady."
+
+"This is a carved box Jim, my eldest son, sent from India,--beautiful
+carving.  I got a paper from him the other day with an account of a
+concert he had been performing at.  I wonder if I could lay my hands
+on it!  Oh yes, here it is," said he, producing it from where he had
+carefully laid it a few minutes before.  "My family are all musical,"
+he continued.  "You'll hear my girl to-night; she plays the violin,
+and is getting on very well, I believe.  She is to perform at a
+Primrose League meeting to-morrow night."
+
+As this was said as if to convey an idea of the esteem in which she
+was held as a violinist, the gentlemen said "Oh!" or "Indeed!"  There
+were occasional painful pauses in the conversation, for, though the
+gentlemen had been introduced, no one could have told another's name;
+and each seemed to wait for the others to begin, till one ventured to
+start abusing the weather, and our unfortunate climate was subjected
+to a prolonged and severe criticism.
+
+"Any of you gentlemen care for a hand at whist?" the host asked.  And
+when some said they "didn't mind," and others that they would be
+"very pleased," he said, "I think we could manage two sets."  Of
+course the ladies had to be asked, and they expressed their
+willingness, but said they could not play very well.
+
+The two tables were placed very close to each other, as there was not
+much room.  The gentlemen apparently looked on the game as a very
+serious affair, and the ladies regarded it lightly and as a secondary
+matter.  The cards were just dealt, and play about to begin, when
+Mrs. Gibson came across the room and whispered something to her
+husband, who said, "'M?  Oh yes, we're to have a violin duet from Mr.
+Morrison and Miss Gibson."
+
+Conversation was immediately suspended, and about ten minutes spent
+in preparation: the violin cases were brought in, and the instruments
+carefully unpacked; then patent folding stands were produced and
+arranged; a few minutes more were spent looking over the music and
+selecting a piece; the young lady who was to play the accompaniment
+was handed her share, which did not count in the performance,
+although it turned out that she had most to do.  She had evidently
+been rehearsing with them, for she at once sounded "A," and the
+violinists commenced tuning, by putting their instruments out of tune
+and then making them right.  The pianiste had about a page to play
+before the violins came in, but the young lady and gentleman managed
+to fill in the time by stuffing handkerchiefs into their necks, and
+seeing that the varnish on the back of the violins was all right.  It
+was evidently a handicap, for Mr. Morrison gave Miss Gibson a start
+of three bars; but any one could see that he had her in hand, for he
+passed her about the sixth hurdle--so to speak--and waited on.  And
+after a scramble home, Miss Gibson was allowed to win by a neck.
+
+Whist was at once started, but the long silence was too much for the
+ladies.  "How d'ye do?" said one, recognising a friend at the next
+table; "I did not notice you come in."
+
+"No, we were rather late.  My husband is very busy just now, and we
+could not get away any sooner; and I----"
+
+"It's you to play," said Mr. M'Cranky, who was annoyed at having to
+play with ladies, and impatient to begin, as he had a good hand.  He
+had managed to say quietly to his opponent during the duet, "Do you
+care to have a modest sixpence on?" and the gentleman had agreed; and
+when he added "Shilling rub?" he had got a nod of assent.  So he was
+now eager for the fray.
+
+"We're waiting on you, mum," he said to his partner.
+
+"Oh, I beg pardon; are diamonds trump?"
+
+"No, clubs are trump, and diamonds are led."
+
+"Oh yes, I haven't got my hand arranged.  That was a very nice duet.
+Miss Gibson plays remarkably well, and only been about a year at it,
+I believe.  I was advising Mrs. Gibson to send her to Germany.  I
+believe the----"
+
+"Your smallest diamond, please."
+
+"I beg pardon; trump is led!"
+
+"No, clubs are trump.  Just put down a small diamond," said M'Cranky,
+who held the ace and king.
+
+The lady seemed to feel she had done her duty when she followed the
+instructions given, and, without waiting to see the result, turned to
+her friend at the next table and said, "Did you see Miss Young at
+church on Sunday?  I thought she wasn't looking very well."
+
+"Oh, she's always pale, you know," her friend replied.  "I don't
+think there's anything wrong with her."
+
+"Ah, I don't think she is very strong.  Her mother should----"
+
+"We're waiting on you, mum," said M'Cranky, with ill-concealed
+displeasure.  "I took that trick with the king, and led a small
+trump," and he put an emphasis on "king," which was entirely lost on
+his partner.
+
+"What should I play, then?  I've a nice one here, but I'm afraid it
+will be taken."
+
+"Never mind, third in hand; play your best."
+
+"But it's not the best; there are two better than it."
+
+"Oh, you mustn't tell your hand," the opposing gentlemen said.
+"Whist, you know."
+
+"I'm sure I never mentioned a card."
+
+The play had not proceeded far in this fashion when Miss Gibson was
+announced to give a reading, and the game had to be stopped while
+that lady gave a thrilling recitation of the "Life-boat," making
+great use of her eyes and eyebrows, after the style of Irving.  When
+it was finished there was some doubt as to who was to lead, one
+saying, "It's me to lead; don't you remember I took your knave,
+and----"
+
+"No, no; that was the trick before.  I trumped the last trick."
+
+The game finished by M'Cranky having three tricks, and informing his
+partner that they would have been game if she had not trumped his
+knave of clubs, which was "the best in the house."  But she was quite
+delighted with the result.
+
+After the first game the ladies seemed to think they had had enough
+of it, and resigned their positions in favour of the gentlemen, whose
+play, conducted on more scientific principles, was interspersed with
+violin solos or recitations by Miss Gibson, the latter being of a
+sufficiently tragic nature to give scope to her facial and vocal
+expression.  One was about a level-crossing,--a fruitful subject for
+the reciter.  There are several recitations on this topic, and they
+have all the same tragic end: a little girl gathering primroses,
+which grow so plentifully between the rails, is about to be run over
+by the down express, when Joe or Jim--both drunkards--rushes down the
+bank and saves her life at the expense of his own; and there is as
+much sameness in the treatment as in the subject, the first line
+being in this style: "Not heerd o' Jim?  Well, I'll tell ye, lads."
+
+Mr. M'Cranky left the card table rather reluctantly shortly after one
+o'clock; and though he had a long smoke when he got home, he was
+first in bed, leaving Mrs. M'Cranky looking at herself in the
+wardrobe mirror as if preparing to go out.
+
+"I wonder when it's coming off," she said, giving expression to her
+thoughts.
+
+"That's just what I'm thinking," said M'Cranky.
+
+"How strange, dear, we should think of the same thing; but I don't
+know how he'll be able to keep a wife."
+
+"What are you talking about?"
+
+"Mr. Morrison and Miss Gibson.  Wasn't it their marriage you were
+thinking of?"
+
+"No; it was your dress.  Are they to be married?"
+
+"Of course, that was what the party was for."
+
+"Who told you?"
+
+"Nobody; but any one with half an eye could see it.  You men never
+can see anything."
+
+"That was a fearful duffer I had for a partner at whist--lost nearly
+every game.  Who is he?"
+
+"He's in a bank in St. Andrew Square--a good position--and lives in a
+fine house at Murray field."
+
+"How do you know?"
+
+"Because his wife said it was a long way for her husband to go in the
+morning from Murrayfield to St. Andrew Square."
+
+"I see, and you fill in the details."
+
+"Oh, you men don't understand anything."
+
+
+
+
+  BURNS'S ANNIVERSARY &
+  THE MILDNESS of the SEASON
+
+Within the last few weeks, letters have been sent to the papers
+giving various proofs of the mildness of the season, some containing
+flowers which seem to have no right to be blooming at this time, and
+others alluding to the appearance of lambs as if they were
+sunflowers.  I can, however, give an experience which, taken in
+conjunction with the influenza epidemic, is a better proof of
+mildness in the weather than all the parcels of premature flowers.
+
+My friend Mr. Stewart, an Ayrshire farmer, has for some years been
+pressing me to pay him a visit, and I lately accepted his invitation
+to have a week with the hounds.  The week is extending, but I am not
+allowed to leave, Stewart having always some excuse for delaying my
+departure.  "Ye canna gang on Monday," he said; "that's the nicht o'
+the curlin' denner, an' I've got the tickets"; and so he lured me
+from day to day like a will-o'-the-wisp.  At last, when the week had
+expanded to a fortnight, I determined to be firm and go.  I had a
+nice little speech arranged to thank my host for his great kindness
+to me; and at night, when we were having our smoke and a glass of
+toddy, I cleared my throat with that peculiar cough which is the
+general precursor of a speech.  But the cough seemed to put him on
+the alert, for I had only got the length, "Well, Mr. Stewart, I've
+enjoyed my visit very----," when he interrupted me by saying, "Noo,
+nane o' that nonsense.  Man, I wunner to hear ye; the hounds'll be
+here on Wednesday, an' I've got tickets for the Burns nicht on
+Friday, an'----."  Then he seemed to think that was far enough to
+make me look forward for the present, so he finished by saying "Ta!"
+which might mean anything.
+
+My speech and fortitude vanished.  I was as clay in the hands of the
+potter.  "Friday is not the anniversary of Burns's birthday," I said;
+"it's Saturday."
+
+"Yes; but then, ye see, Saturday's an awkward nicht, an' Friday suits
+better."
+
+Subsequent events showed me that the shortness of Saturday night was
+its awkward point; and I may here say that the Ayrshire men can, and
+do, stand a large quantity of whisky.  And in this respect, feeling
+myself like an amateur among professionals, I determined to be
+careful on Friday night, and take nothing before going; and when I
+make up my mind to anything, I am very determined.
+
+I was rather astonished when, about two o'clock on Friday, Stewart
+said, "We'll better be off, then."
+
+"Why are you going so soon?" I inquired; "the meeting will not be
+till night."
+
+"Ay, but we're to meet some o' the chaps at Maclean's to hae a bit
+denner at fower, so we'll just tak' a bit tastin' an' set off."
+
+"How far is it to town?" I asked.
+
+"Better than three miles," he replied; and, looking back on our
+return, my conviction is that it is considerably worse than three
+miles.  I remembered my determination to take nothing before going;
+but Stewart had the "tastin'" poured out, so I took it, thinking I
+would walk it off.  We met about a dozen gentlemen at Maclean's, and
+had a splendid dinner, and I had to revoke my decision in favour of
+the wines set before us.
+
+"When do we meet?" I asked of the gentleman next me.
+
+"At eight," he replied.
+
+"And how can we be expected to dine again at eight?"
+
+He laughed, evidently at my simplicity.
+
+"We havena time for denner on a Burns night," he said.  "The haggis
+is just put round for the look o' the thing."
+
+I now understood more fully the awkwardness of a Saturday night.
+Looking back on Friday night, I find my memory a little more vague
+than usual: for instance, I should have mentioned that we made two
+calls on the way to Maclean's.  As we approached the town, Stewart
+said, "This is Young's hoose; he's gaun; we'll just look in for him."
+
+"I was just on the look-out for ye," said that gentleman.
+
+[Illustration: THE BRIG O' DOON _By J. Marjoribanks Hay_]
+
+"Nothing for me, thank you," I said, seeing him lay down three
+glasses, and remembering my determination.  Mr. Young evidently did
+not hear me; and when I saw him filling the third glass, I thought I
+would just taste, as the people here are very touchy on the point of
+hospitality.  So I said, "That'll do for me, thank you; thanks,
+thanks, thanks."  By this time my glass was the same as the rest.  So
+I had to console myself by thinking I would be none the worse of it
+after the journey.
+
+"We're to look in for Calder on the road," said Mr. Young.
+
+Calder was in his office, and after a few words he raised his
+eyebrows with a look of interrogation, and pointed with his head in a
+direction evidently understood by his companions, for Stewart, in
+reply to the unasked question, said, "Oh, I don't know if it's worth
+while."
+
+It was evidently thought worth while, however, for we proceeded to a
+small room in the back of the premises, and Mr. Calder said, "Weel,
+what is't to be, then?"--a stupid question I have noticed almost
+invariably asked, as the answer is always the same: "Oh, just the
+auld thing; it's the safest."
+
+"Help yersels, then," said Calder, "the time I'm putting on my coat."
+Stewart assisted, asking us to "say when," and, perhaps through force
+of habit, he addressed himself while taking his own allowance, as if
+some one were giving him more than he wanted and he was
+remonstrating.  "Hoot-toot-toot!" he said, but he did not pour any
+back.
+
+There was a very heavy toast-list to get through at the meeting, but
+I don't remember much that was said.  One thing I noticed, however,
+was that every speaker gained frequent applause by finishing his
+sentence with "Robbie Burns," or "Immortal Bard," or a quotation.
+Another thing I observed was that the speakers had their speeches in
+print, having got proofs from the local weekly paper, and these were
+read as a schoolboy would an essay.  Some had their speeches cut up
+into parts the size of the toast-list, and might be supposed to be
+only looking at it while reading their speeches; but one gentleman
+made no attempt at deceit,--he simply rose with the long strip like
+an old ballad, and started: "Mr. Chairman, Croupier, and Gentlemen,
+in the too brief life of our immortal bard----Waiter, take the top
+off that lamp.  I can't see.  Thank you; that's better.  In the too
+brief life," &c.  Although I can't remember much that was said, I
+must have paid great attention at the time, as I entirely forgot my
+resolution.  During the evening the secretary read a pile of
+telegrams about two inches thick, and mostly in rhyme,--and good
+rhyme too, and all the same rhyme, the rhythm being something like
+
+  "Ta rumpy tumpy tump returns,
+  Ta rumpy tumpy Robbie Burns."
+
+There was one exception, which was greeted with great applause in
+acknowledgment of the new vein the writer had struck.  It was "Ta
+rumpy tumpy tumpy turns" in the first line,--the second, of course,
+being the same as the others.
+
+The meeting broke up about one in the morning, and as I was putting
+on my topcoat I observed some waiters busy arranging tumblers, &c.,
+in the next room, and wondered what meeting there could be at that
+hour.  It was ourselves!  A new chairman and croupier were elected,
+and we began again.  I don't know when this meeting broke up, for my
+watch had stopped.  It was a dark night, or morning rather, when
+Stewart and I set out for home; and I should think we would be about
+half-way when I grew very eloquent in praise of Burns, and I had just
+finished what I thought a grand quotation, and was waiting for
+Stewart's approbation, when I discovered I had lost him.  This caused
+me the greatest concern, for I thought he had taken what some people
+would call "just plenty," and others "too much."  So I immediately
+sat down to look for him.  I felt a little overcome; and though the
+grass was damp and there was a cold wind whistling through the hedge,
+I must have waited a considerable time without finding Stewart.  So I
+determined to go without him.  I had gone about a mile, I should
+imagine, and was thinking I must be near home, when I heard in the
+distance a glee-party singing "We are na fou."  As we approached I
+heard the rumble of a trap, which turned out to contain some of the
+party who had been detained by a second adjournment.  They recognised
+me in passing by the light of their lamps, and pulled up, asking
+where I was going.  I said, "To Brewlands," the name of Stewart's
+place.  I think they laughed, and told me I was going the wrong way,
+and that if I had gone a little farther I would soon have been at the
+hotel.  I did not want them to know I was not aware of where I was
+going, and explained I was looking for "Brewlands," the name Stewart
+usually gets, as farmers are generally called by the name of their
+farm.
+
+"Jump in," they said, "there's nae fear o' him; he can aye find his
+way hame.  We'll tak' ye up an' see if he has onything in the bottle."
+
+They were right.  When we arrived at the farm we saw a light in the
+dining-room, and Stewart, evidently hearing the sound of the wheels
+on the gravel, came out, and when he found I was one of the company
+he said, "Whaur hev ye been?  Man, I was jist comin' oot to look for
+ye.  I didna miss ye till I was near hame, an' I thocht I wad jist
+gang in for a lantern."
+
+He had evidently not had time to get the lantern, but I noticed he
+had found time to take a dram, as the bottle was on the table, and a
+tumbler with what appeared to be whisky and water in it.
+
+Stewart's version of the affair was quite different from mine.  He
+explained to the party that he was reciting some o' Robbie's fine
+bits to me when he became aware that he wasn't, for I was not there.
+"An' noo I think on't," he said, "I fancy I dae mind o' a sound like
+you sittin' doon suddenly on the roadside."
+
+Feeling rather cold I thought I would be the better of a little
+spirits, and being overcome I fell asleep in the arm-chair, while
+Stewart and his companions began another adjournment.  I must have
+been completely worn-out with fatigue, for I don't remember getting
+to bed.
+
+Breakfast was considerably later than usual next morning, and Mrs.
+Stewart asked when we got home.  I did not know what to say, but
+Stewart did.  He said, "It would be efter twelve, wouldn't it?" as if
+we were not sure.  I said in the most doubtful tone I could raise, "I
+daresay it would."
+
+
+I think there must be some truth in the proverb that there is a
+special providence for children and a certain class of men, for
+Stewart was quite fresh in spite of his exposure the previous night;
+and if not to this cause, to the mildness of the season must be
+ascribed his immunity from influenza.
+
+
+
+
+JOHNNIE GIBB'S FUNERAL
+
+"Are ye in, Mrs. Broon?"
+
+"Ay, come awa' in, Mrs. Mitchell."
+
+"Eh no, I mannie come in," says Mrs. Mitchell, coming in all the
+time, "for I've jist left my tatties on the fire, an' whaur there's
+bairns, ye ken, yin's aye feared."
+
+"Ay, that's true.  I'm jist washin' some peenies, for I declare when
+ye hev a family ye need never sit doon."
+
+[Illustration: "I'M JUST WASHIN' SOME PEENIES" _By R. M'Gregor,
+R.S.A._]
+
+"Ay, that's true.  I dinna ken hoo some women aye manage to be at
+their doors or in their neebors' hooses, for I can tell ye I never
+devauld fae workin' fae mornin' to nicht; but I was jist thro win'
+oot some dirty water the noo, an' I see they're getherin' for Johnnie
+Gibb's funeral, puir man."
+
+"Ay! it's an awfu' thing that sudden death."
+
+"Eh, haud yer tongue, it is that; it's enough to kill a horse."
+
+"Ay, bit there's nae use tryin' to gang against Providence."
+
+"Eh no, especially wi' some o' they new-fashioned troubles."
+
+"Ay! but it'll mak' an awfu' difference in that hoose, for Mrs.
+Gibb's a wumman o' this kind,--an' mind I'm no sayin' onything
+against the wumman aither, for she's a guid enough wumman maybe, but
+yin canna keep their een shut a'thegither an' no see that Johnnie
+wusna attended to as he micht a' been."
+
+"Ay, that's true; as I often say to my man, 'Hoo wud ye like to hae
+yer ain tea to mak' efter comin' in fae a hard day's wark?'  I'm
+share my man wudna dae't, an' I wudna ask um; but it disna look weel
+to see a man plouterin' aboot an' dain' women's wark; an' we've heard
+o' sic things,--atween you an' me, an' it's no gaun ony
+farrer,--we've heard o' sic things as gettin' a gill fae the grocer,
+an' tellin' um to mark it doon, 'Bread, sixpence.'"
+
+"Ay, Johnnie was a simple man, an' we shouldna say onything against
+the corp ahint his back that we couldna say to his face; an' if he
+could dae ye a guid turn, ye had jist to ask it.  I'm share it's no a
+fortnicht sin' my man was plantin' tatties in the back gairden, an'
+Johnnie lookit ower the hedge, an' he never said onything but jist
+'Try they,' an' he put six Dalmahoy earlies in my man's hand.  Ay!
+it's a lesson to us a'; as I aye say, If ye havena a guid word to say
+o' onybody, 'od sake haud yer tongue,--there they're comin'!  Wha's
+that young man in the front?--that's no their auldest son Jamie,
+is't?  It's jist him; ay, my Alec telt me he met um comin' ower fae
+the station this mornin' tryin' to talk English, an' him naething but
+in a draper's shop.  Says he, 'I could hardly get away this morning,
+we're so thrang in our estaiblishment.'  Ay, there's nae fear o' him
+talkin' shop; an' see what a graund hat he's got, an nae weepers
+on't, an' him the corp's son; an' black kid gloves tae, instead o'
+white cotton yins; an' see what a grand coffin they've got tae,--they
+mun get it oot o' Edinburgh, as if Wull Binnie couldna mak' them a
+guid enough yin.  I can tell ye, the yin he made to me when my
+grandfaither deid was as guid a coffin as a man need pit on his back,
+a' covered ower wi' big brass-heided nails like a jail door; an'
+she's gaun to gie them a graund denner tae when they come back, mair
+like a mairrage than a funeral.  She was ower to me for the len' o'
+hauf-a-dizzen knives an' forks an' as mony spoons, an' a' among the
+neebors tae for a cruet-stand; dash't, d'ye ken, when she cam' to me
+I didna ken what she meant, so I says, 'Eh I'm rale sorry, but I doot
+mines is ower sair torn.'
+
+"'A cruet-stand,' says she, 'for haudin' mustard an' catshup, ye ken."
+
+"'Oh! a cruet-stand,' says I, pretendin' I hadna heard her; 'eh no, I
+never had onything that way bit a pepper-an'-saut dish.'--Hev ye seen
+her new murnin' goon an' weedy's kep?"
+
+"That wad be the bundle Jamie brocht oot ablow his oxter; I was
+wonderin' what it was.  Weel, I'm share she micht a' gien Maggie
+Simpson the job to mak' it; though maybe Maggie's better athoot it,
+an' couldna wait lang enough for her siller.  I declare there she's
+comin' ower to show aff her graund new frock.--Come awa' in, Mrs.
+Gibb; we wus jist sayin' hoo sorry oo wus for ye, an' what a
+consolation it wud be to ye to see sic a wiselike turn-oot at the
+funeral."
+
+"Ay! it's a sad day for me.  Hoo d'ye like my frock?  Jamie brocht it
+oot; rale mindfu' o' um, wasn't it?"
+
+"Eh ay, it jist looks as if it had been made for ye; it's easy seen
+it's no Maggie Simpson's dain'.  I'm share it's just spoilin' guid
+cloth to gie her a goon to mak'."
+
+"I've jist come in to see if ye wad len' me yer tureen for the soup."
+
+"Oh ay; John keeps his nails an' things in't, but I'll gie't a bit
+dicht oot for ye."
+
+So away went Mrs. Gibb, saying to herself, "Haverin' bodies! nae doot
+they've been speakin' aboot me."
+
+And Mrs. Mitchell said, "I mun awa' tae for I've jist left my tatties
+on the fire; that's the warst o' gaun to Mrs. Broon's hoose,--there's
+nae gettin' oot o't."
+
+And Mrs. Brown said to herself, "Thank guidness, that's Mrs. Mitchell
+awa' at last; there that graith cauld.  I thocht I'd never see her
+back,--bletherin' besom."
+
+
+
+
+SPRING CLEANING
+
+  "Now spring returns, but not to me return
+  The vernal joys."
+
+
+I wonder if the poet's wife had an attack of cleaning fever when he
+composed the above sentiment; if so, I can feel with him, as no doubt
+most householders can at present.  I thought our house was in
+first-rate order, but my wife said I knew perfectly well it was in a
+filthy state, and that most of the rooms required papering.  It seems
+she had called on a neighbour, and found the house handed over to the
+painters.  So, not to be outdone in this respect, she went straight
+to the landlord and wrestled with him, as did Jacob of old, the
+blessing going the length of papering the drawing-room and lobby.  I
+knew nothing of this till yesterday morning, when I heard whistling,
+which I rightly judged to be too good to emanate from our domestic.
+It was the painters; they make themselves at home wherever they go.
+On emerging into the lobby, I found it heaped up with furniture, and
+to get to the bathroom I had to traverse three sides of a square.  I
+enjoy my morning ablution, especially at this season, and was
+consequently annoyed to find the bath heaped up with pictures, &c.;
+in fact, every part of the house seemed crowded with furniture.
+
+After dressing, I thought I would look into the drawing-room to see
+what was being done, but on approaching the door I heard "three,"
+"pass three," and looking through the keyhole I saw the painters
+sitting astride a plank playing "nap."  I turned the handle, but
+found the door was barricaded by a pair of steps being placed against
+it, another pair, connected with a plank, being at the far side of
+the room.  I shouted through the door that it was "all right," and
+went away to get breakfast, but found the dining-room empty, with the
+exception of the girl, who said, "If ye please, yer to take yer
+breakfast in yer ain room."  She had a strange get-up.  Her head was
+in the Arabian style, wound up in a red handkerchief, and her apron
+was made out of a sack with an announcement on it about somebody's
+dog biscuits.  Breakfast was set on a little gipsy table, and I had
+hardly got started when I noticed the _Scotsman_; and, wishing to see
+what number had visited the Exhibition and how the voting had gone in
+the Assembly, I half rose to reach for the paper, when my knee caught
+the table and landed the contents on the floor.  I tried to explain
+how easily a three-legged table was upset, but my wife said she had
+told me often not to read at breakfast.  She could never get a word
+out of me when I got a paper in my hand.
+
+I had to get out of the house sideways, by a step known in military
+tactics as "right close," wedging myself past piles of chairs dressed
+in white pinafores trimmed with red braid.  I did not think the house
+could have held so much furniture; it looked like an auctioneer's
+store-room.
+
+On returning to dinner I was told there was not much, as there had
+been little time to cook.  The gipsy table was again in requisition;
+but as it was too small to hold the various items, a couple of chairs
+were used as sideboards.  When we were at dessert the girl entered
+and said, "Gif ye please, the wumman says she aye gets a little
+speerits."
+
+"What woman says that?" I asked.
+
+"It's the widow, dear, who is washing the floors," my wife explained.
+
+It seems strange that it is always widows who do that sort of work,
+and strange that they and ministers always call a glass of whisky "a
+little spirits."  I suppose it does not sound so bad, though it
+sounds ungrammatical.  One would think it should be "a little
+spirit," though perhaps that is ambiguous; but those who call soup or
+porridge "them" might as well say "a few spirits," though perhaps
+that expression is misleading too, and might turn the thoughts to
+those who entered the herd of swine.
+
+After dinner I was shown a book of patterns for wall-paper.  "This is
+what I was thinking of for the drawing-room," said my wife, showing
+me one with an elaborate design; "or this," a much quieter pattern.
+I said I preferred the quiet one, but was told the other was more
+expensive, and the landlord was to pay for it, which seemed
+unanswerable logic from a woman's point of view.  As we could not
+come to an agreement about it, we voted; but as the votes were
+equal--one on each side--my wife threw in her casting vote in favour
+of the expensive pattern.
+
+I can't help feeling that I am worse than useless in the house at
+present.  I am positively in the way,--something to be tolerated,
+which is rather humiliating for one who should be the head of the
+house; and, what makes matters worse, my wife and the girl are extra
+friendly, and talk over their plans, completely ignoring me, unless
+it is to ask me to balance myself on the chimney-piece and hand down
+a large picture.  What a fine time of it landlords would have if men
+were masters of their own houses!  I used to do all that was required
+for the house at my own expense when I was a bachelor, though I don't
+remember doing anything.
+
+There is a fearful smell in the house just now, and my wife is
+astonished that I do not like it.  It smells to me like the stuff I
+use for rheumatism; it is furniture polish, and women seem to revel
+in it.  Sometimes the aroma is changed to ammonia or spirit of salt;
+but the blends are all sickening to me, and it permeates the house to
+such an extent as to make everything one eats seem flavoured with it.
+I am quite lame with bruising my legs on fenders, &c., which stick
+out in all unexpected places; and as I couldn't get a comfortable
+seat in the house I sauntered along to the club, where I met Watson,
+and was narrating my troubles to him, when he said, "Oh, man, they're
+all the same just now,"--meaning women.  "I'll tell you what," he
+continued confidentially; "what do you say to a few days fishing?"  I
+thought it a first-rate idea, but did not know what my wife would
+say, as the last time I went with Watson I stupidly left the hotel
+bill in my pocket; but my wife didn't, and told me I should be
+ashamed, as there was more for beer and whisky than for our food, and
+she could have got a bonnet or something with half of what I had,
+what she termed, "thrown away on drink."  I told Watson I would
+see--with the mental reservation, my wife--and let him know in the
+morning.  Watson seemed to be reading my thoughts, for he said,
+"They'll be glad to get rid of you at home."
+
+[Illustration: TWO HAPPY HUSBANDS _By R. B. Nisbet, R.S.A._]
+
+I did not think my wife would have cared to let me go again with
+Watson, for she thinks he makes me drink more than I otherwise would,
+and I know Watson's wife thinks I lead her husband astray in the same
+manner; but to my surprise there was no objection offered.  On the
+contrary, I was told that I would be the better of a rest.  I may be
+wrong, but I felt that it was said in a tone which implied, "Thank
+goodness, we'll get rid of him, and then we won't have to bother
+about dinner."  At any rate we're both pleased, and there will be two
+happy husbands enjoying fresh air, and two insanely happy wives
+revelling in turpentine and bathbrick to-morrow.
+
+Watson gave me a tip which I must not forget: he said, "Mind, when
+you go home, to take notice of the great improvements, though you
+won't see any difference."  And another thing I must mind, is to burn
+the hotel bill.
+
+
+
+
+A MARRIAGE
+
+It is strange, that with all the facilities for marriage of recent
+years the young man of the period is getting more difficult to tempt.
+He can get married for half-a-crown, but he can hardly be induced to
+get married for anything.  Up till last generation a marriage in a
+family meant a dancing and rejoicing till long past the small
+hours,--it is now compressed into a sort of five-o'clock tea; and one
+can have sympathy for the old man who said, "I dinna care for yer
+new-fangled mairrages.  Gie me an auld Scotch funeral."  One of this
+sort told me on his return that I had made a great mistake in not
+going.  "It's the best funeral I've been at this lang time,--as much
+as ye could pit yer haun' tae."  The village grocer had died, and I,
+as a summer visitor, had been invited.
+
+I do not, as a rule, care for being present at either ceremony, but
+had accepted an invitation to a marriage the other day; and as I am
+not famous for punctuality, various friends wrote reminding me that
+the hour was 2.30 sharp, so I determined to surprise them by being in
+time, allowing myself half an hour to go from Haymarket Station to
+Newington.  Happening to notice a train at the platform, I rushed
+downstairs without taking time to get a ticket in case I should miss
+it, and thinking it would be quicker and cheaper than a cab.  I sat
+fully ten minutes beside two gentlemen, who seemed as impatient as
+myself, judging by the number of times they looked at their watches.
+"We'll never catch it," said one.  I knew I would catch it if I
+stayed any longer, and asked a passing guard when the train was to
+start.  "As soon as the signal's down," he said.
+
+I had still about a quarter of an hour to spare, so I got out and
+took a car along Princes Street.  The car was full, but that was no
+concern of the driver's.  He stopped for every lady who hailed him;
+and after the conductor had explained to each one that the car was
+full, and that he was not going her way at any rate, and when she
+would get a car, and that she would know it was for Portobello by the
+name on the notice-board, we proceeded.  By the time we got to
+Frederick Street my patience and time were about exhausted, and I now
+saw the folly of not walking, as I had originally intended.
+
+I was despairing of being in time, but got a hansom, trusting to the
+ceremony being a little late, paying the driver on the way in order
+to save time, and the moment he drew up I hurried into the house.
+
+I am rather absent-minded; and when the girl showed me to the room, I
+felt the driver had put me down at the wrong number.  I had been too
+hurried to notice it, and had evidently come to a house where a
+funeral company had met.  The girl had that "don't-make-a-noise" sort
+of air about her.  She pointed, Quaker-like, to where I was to
+deposit my hat, and then opened the room door quietly.  I entered on
+tip-toe, and was confirmed in my surmise.  The company were standing
+round the room looking at the carpet.  I noticed a vacant place, and
+took it, placing my hands at my back like the others, and helping to
+do the carpet-staring, all the time wondering what I should do.  I
+should explain my mistake and retire, but I did not like to break the
+silence.  My thoughts were broken by a friend coming over and shaking
+hands, and I was glad to recognise him, as I knew he was to be at the
+marriage too.  "What are we to do?" I asked, hoping he would see a
+way out of the difficulty and the house.  "You should shake hands
+with the hostess," he said, pointing at my back.  I turned and saw a
+group of ladies, and was glad to find I was in the right house.
+
+The bride was just expected in, hence the silence.  She came in
+leaning on her father's arm, looking very pale, and trembling as if
+she was being led to execution; but her father did not seem to care
+much, and I noticed as he passed that his tie was creeping up the
+back of his head, but had been brought to a halt by his ears.  I
+sympathised with him, as I often wear mine there.  I envy men who are
+always tidy about the neck, and have bought every patent I have seen,
+but can't keep my ties in subjection.  The bow of a dress-tie will
+not remain in the centre, but if I allow it to nestle under my ear it
+will remain there all right.  The ladies tell me I should get a wife,
+but I shall try some more patents first.  I have been asked by ladies
+several times since the marriage what the bride had on, and they seem
+annoyed that all I can remember is that she wore a large white
+bouquet.  That tie occupied too much of my attention, with the
+maker's name on a label just over the bump of philo-progenitiveness.
+
+The bridesmaids followed in the procession, and then the minister,
+with papers in his hand, like the warrant for execution.  After the
+principal parties had got into position, the minister began in deep
+tones, "We are met on this solemn occasion" (all the company seemed
+to feel it, for they still looked at the carpet as if they had
+dropped a pin and could not be happy till they found it), and
+concluded by asking if any of the company objected to the marriage.
+There being no objections, he then asked the bride and bridegroom if
+they were willing to take each other as they stood, as if he didn't
+know that was why he was there.  During the ceremony the bride was
+sobbing, and perhap she thought she wanted to back out of it.  I
+don't understand what she was crying about, as I happen to know she
+had been looking forward to the marriage for two years.  The couple,
+having assented to the marriage, were told to join hands; and here a
+slight hitch occurred which I have noticed before at marriages.  The
+bride and bridegroom had on gloves, and both seemed too nervous to be
+able to take them off themselves, and had to get it done for them.
+
+I thought it stupid of them wearing gloves indoors, and said so to
+the person next me; but he said, "They must wear gloves, because the
+groomsman and bridesmaid have to take them off."  "But why?" I asked.
+"Just because it's always done," he replied in a tone which seemed
+conclusive.
+
+I now remembered that the gentleman who shook hands with me on
+entering had on gloves, and I had asked him if he had a sore hand;
+and I now observed that all the guests wore gloves, and seemed
+uncomfortable in them, as if they did not fit about the joints, and
+that they appeared to be greatly relieved when the cake and wine were
+passed round and they could take them off.  Everyone seemed to think
+they could now change their funereal face for a more natural one, and
+the bride was passed round to be kissed.  She was quite bright now,
+though there were still two little diamond tears trembling on her
+eyelids.
+
+The minister was asked to take a refreshment, but said "No; the bread
+I will take, but the wine I will not touch."  I thought he might have
+had sense enough to know the difference between bride's cake and
+bread, and wondered if he refused the wine thinking it might be of
+the kind supplied at sacraments.  As soon as the minister left, the
+company indulged in a general clatter.  It must be nice to be a
+minister, and know you are awing the company with your presence.  And
+yet I don't know: I believe I would as soon remain as I am, and
+receive the friendly slap on the shoulder, and hear the informal
+words, "Hullo! old man, what a' ye gonny have?"
+
+The bridegroom replied briefly to his toast, as the brougham was
+waiting to take his bride and him to the station, and of course he
+managed to say "My wife and myself," as if it were an old affair; and
+the conclusion of the speech seemed to be the signal for the
+production of rice, which was poured liberally about them,--a
+barbarous joke, not possessing even the quality of originality.
+
+One can imagine the couple in a railway carriage trying to look as if
+nothing had happened, and their discomfort on observing side looks,
+smiles, and whisperings from those on the opposite seat, who have
+noticed some rice which has trickled down his trousers to the floor.
+With guards and porters, I believe, subterfuge is useless: the new
+trunks, &c., tell too plainly, and they have to be liberally tipped.
+
+The floor of the dining-room was covered with rice, and an idea
+occurred to me which might be taken up profitably.  We see forms,
+&c., advertised for balls: why should not poulterers announce, "Hens
+supplied for marriages!"  They would clean the carpet in a few
+minutes.
+
+Human nature is a strange thing.  A hearse, or a brougham with a
+slipper tied behind, will collect all the women in the neighbourhood,
+except the better-bred ones, who are peeping out from behind the
+curtains.  A man takes no interest in either, but there will be a
+crowd from morning till night when a gas pipe or telegraph wire is
+being laid.
+
+
+Well, each to his taste: Dress for the ladies, a drain for the men,
+the bride for the bridegroom, and may they be happy!
+
+
+
+
+AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES WITH HINTS
+
+No one of a philanthropic nature can think but with pity and sympathy
+of the mental sufferings of those who have toasts to propose or reply
+to.  True, there are some who could not go home happy from a meeting
+unless they had aired their eloquence; but they are a small minority.
+Ministers are usually swift in getting on their feet, and slow to sit
+down; and though they have "the gift o' the gab," to some, if not
+all, it is an infliction--not less probably than to their brethren in
+the laity--to have to speak, as they know that something better will
+be expected of them.  Talking with a country minister recently, he
+said:
+
+"I was once at a Burns Dinner in Edinburgh, and when we were at the
+soup I got a note handed from the chair, saying I had been put down
+for a toast in place of some one who was absent.  Well, sir, I laid
+down my spoon and never touched my dinner."  (This was said in a tone
+of sad reflection.)  "But," he added, brightening up, "I picked on
+two lines of quotation the chairman had left out, and I gave them
+twenty minutes of it,"--the cheery expression of his face showing
+that the lengthened speech was not given as revenge for the loss of a
+dinner, but with pride in his "gift."
+
+There are "Practical Letter Writers" and books on Etiquette, but no
+one seems to be bold enough to publish a book of Speeches suitable
+for the many exigencies of those who "go out."  The "Practical" or
+"Complete" Letter Writer usually was filled with such subjects as "To
+a Duchess on refusing an Invitation," or "From the Same to the Same,"
+and has of course long since retired to a well-merited oblivion; but
+a "Practical" Speech Maker would be sure to go into many editions,
+and relieve many a sufferer from one of the chief miseries of
+civilisation.  In the meantime, however, as we are now into "the
+season," a few hints may be found useful.
+
+Be careful, then, not to pause after saying "Mr. Chairman," as, when
+it is followed by "and gentlemen," it might seem an invidious and
+undesirable distinction.
+
+Begin by saying, "The toast which has been entrusted to me" or "put
+into my hands"--both expressions being classic--"is perhaps the most
+important on the list."  This will command attention, especially from
+those who have to speak after you, as they naturally look on theirs
+as the most important; and though they may afterwards claim the
+distinction, you will have gained your object.
+
+Should your name be on the toast-list, say you "could have wished the
+toast had been put into better hands," and pause to allow the company
+to say "No, no; not at all"; but should you be informed during the
+evening of the toast expected of you, say "I had no idea when I came
+into the room that I should be called upon to," &c.  This is also
+classic, and affords an ample opportunity of showing your powers as
+an extempore speaker.  Borrow a piece of paper and a pencil from your
+neighbour, and during dinner jot down a few ideas on the subject; and
+when you have said, "The toast which I have to propose," pause, then
+say, "is--ah--" then lift the card as if you had given the subject no
+thought, and could speak on any topic at a moment's notice, whereas
+in reality the menu is to hide your notes.
+
+It would require a clever statistician to give an approximate idea of
+the number of times speakers will begin a sentence without seeing
+their way to the end, trying to conclude with, "And thanking you all,
+gentlemen, for the kind way my health has been proposed and
+received,--" only to find they are in a corner, with no way out
+except by saying, "Shall sit down," which is not a graceful finish.
+Some, no doubt, wriggle out by saying, "Can only thank you again,"--a
+tautological weakness.
+
+In returning thanks, the speaker, after gaining a character for
+modesty by alluding to the "too flattering terms in which my health
+has been proposed," can trade on it by praising himself still
+further.  No doubt, the conclusion of a speech is the difficult part,
+but it can be got rid of by thinking of a subject or person omitted,
+and saying, "I beg to propose a toast which should have been given
+earlier in the evening," and then handing the difficulty on to other
+shoulders.
+
+If a speaker before you has made a joke which has taken well, repeat
+it, and get up a second laugh in your own favour, and the originator
+is flattered at being quoted, while you share the honours with him.
+
+Should you be in the position of finding that your ideas have flown,
+or that they have not arrived, fix on the one who has made the best
+speech, and say he has anticipated you in everything you were about
+to observe.  This will arouse sympathy for you under the trying
+circumstances, reflect credit on you as a speaker, and exonerate you
+from further remarks.
+
+As your toast will probably be pretty well down the list, the company
+will not be difficult to please, or critical, so you need not let
+your nominative trouble you.  I have often felt the deepest sympathy
+for the poor reporters who have to take home the tangled mass of some
+great man's speech and unravel it into grammatical order; and one is
+often astonished next morning to read an interesting speech extracted
+from chaos.
+
+If some distinguished person--say, Sir Henry Irving--accepts an
+invitation to sup with a club, it will be the duty of the committee
+to see that a full toast-list is prepared, as, after the strong
+mental strain he has just come through, it will be a relief and a
+rest to him to have his mind diverted to such subjects as "The
+Provost and Magistrates of Edinburgh," "Our Educational Interests,"
+"Our Mercantile Interests," "The Clergy," &c., and you can afterwards
+give your friends an idea of the splendid night you had by saying you
+"kept it up till three in the morning."
+
+The one who has to propose "The Provost and Town Council" must allude
+to our beautiful, our own romantic and historic town, giving the
+Council all credit, and say that no one has the interest of our city
+more at heart than ----, whoever is to reply.  He may have acted as
+if he had mistaken the Council Chambers for the House of Commons or a
+licensed grocer's back parlour; he may have been active in bringing
+Edinburgh into ridicule, so that, like the inhabitant of another town
+when from home, we feel we should say, "I belong to Edinburgh, but,
+as share's death, I couldna help it."  Still, the classic expression
+must be used; and whoever replies will say with all the earnestness
+of an original expression, "There is no one who has the interest of
+the city of Edinburgh more at heart than I have," and thereby confirm
+the truth of your assertion.
+
+If the phrase "Proudest moment of my life" is used, the speaker
+should try to get up a suitable expression, as it is sometimes said
+in such melancholy tones as would lead the audience to doubt the
+assertion, or give them a humble opinion of previous proud moments.
+
+But if the proposing of or replying to a toast should destroy one's
+enjoyment of a dinner, how much more serious is it for the chairman,
+who has several toasts to propose; and yet if he has listened as he
+ought to have done to others in a similar position, the difficulties
+will diminish.  He will remember that when the toast of "The Queen"
+was given, the chairman said, "I am sure there is no body of men more
+loyal than ----," whatever the company happened to be composed of.
+In giving "The Navy, Army, and Volunteers," the chairman always
+begins by saying, "With regard to."
+
+"With regard to our Navy, you all know what our tars have done in the
+past; and though our wooden walls have been superseded by ironclads,
+still the same 'hearts of oak,'"--the rest of the sentence is
+immaterial, as it is always drowned in applause.
+
+"With regard to our Army, you all know what our soldiers have done in
+the past."  This, of course, is a repetition; still it is flattering
+to the company to give them the credit of being posted in our great
+battles.  "And should the day ever come, though I hope it is far
+distant"--(pause for "Hear, hear")--"I am sure they will give a good
+account of themselves."  Changing his tone of voice, he then says:
+
+"With regard to our Volunteers, I have no doubt that, should the day
+ever come," &c. (see remarks on the Army).
+
+Should your health be proposed in a strange town, you will make a hit
+by discovering some special reason for liking the place,--the best,
+of course, being that you were born there; and in this respect one of
+our eminent statesmen is a master,--he seems not only to have been
+born again, but several times.  If no personal reason can be found,
+the speaker must fall back on some historical incident or person or
+thing, saying, "Of course we have all a warm side to a town so
+closely associated with Sir Walter Scott," or Burns or Wallace, as
+the case may be, though this only gives you a claim shared in by all
+Scotsmen, and is to be resorted to only when the personal element
+cannot be introduced.
+
+A free and easy style of speech should be cultivated, and perhaps
+there is no better way of appearing at ease than by playing with a
+wine glass, a fruit knife, or the watch chain.  If done successfully,
+the speech may seem to occupy a secondary position in your thoughts.
+To timid people it is especially useful, as, by bending the head down
+while drawing imaginary designs on the tablecloth, your remarks will
+not be heard, and mistakes will pass unobserved; and should there be
+an apparent dearth of subject in your toast, you can draw it out to
+the length you fancy desirable by introducing a story, _apropos_ if
+possible, or by encroaching on some of the other subjects.  The
+speaker who follows may justly complain that you have taken the wind
+out of his sails, but you can leave him to raise the wind for himself.
+
+Like Lady Jane in "The Mikado," the occupancy of the chair is an
+acquired taste, and many a one who has had to be pushed into the
+position has developed an abnormal love for making speeches.
+
+Three winters ago one of this description presided at a curling-club
+dinner; and as he took up the toasts one by one, whispers went round
+the company that he was the very man to represent his ward in the
+Town Council.  And he seemed to be of the same opinion, for after he
+had gone through the toast-list he toasted individually every one of
+the company who had been omitted, and, as a last resort, when they
+were used up, he had the landlord of the hotel brought in, and made
+an eloquent speech on the way the dinner had been served, making the
+beef and greens appear a royal banquet, and, as a proof of the
+landlord's worth, mentioned that he had known him for the last thirty
+years.  The eloquence seems to have had the desired effect, if
+speech-making is a _sine quâ non_ for our Council, as he is now a
+Councillor.
+
+It is no doubt extremely annoying to remember, after you have
+finished your toast, that you have forgotten the best part of
+it,--the joke you intended to crack, or the story you meant to
+tell,--and the only way to relieve your feelings in this case, and to
+ensure a good night's sleep, is to secure as many as you can in the
+cloak-room, and have an adjournment, where you can take an
+opportunity to let it off.
+
+The number of times the foregoing classic expressions have been used
+will only be exceeded by the number of times they will be used; and
+by making free use of them no one need despair of occupying a chair
+in the Council Chambers, and going down honoured and respected by all
+who knew him.
+
+
+
+
+"HOW D'YE DO?"
+
+Everybody is apt to say of every cold he has, that it is "the worst I
+ever had"; but I think I can truthfully say that the one from which I
+am now suffering beats all its predecessors.
+
+I am often told that I should be more careful of myself; but who
+would think of getting such a cold as I have, by simply saying to an
+old lady, "How d'ye do?"  I had just returned from a month in the
+country, braced up, as I thought, for the coming winter; and now I am
+weaker and less fit for work than before I went away, and all through
+asking the simple question, which means nothing.  The old Scotch
+manner of "Hoo are ye?" replied to by "Thank ye for speirin'; hoo are
+ye yersel'?" showed that our sensible forefathers knew the formality
+of the question, and did not consider it worth replying to.  But that
+does not seem to be the opinion of my lady friend.
+
+On the way home I made the acquaintance of a young Englishman, who
+said he intended spending a few days in Edinburgh before returning
+south; and when, on the Sunday morning, he said he should like to
+hear one of our celebrated divines, I offered to accompany him.  And
+if my friend wished to get an idea of what a Scotch sermon was like,
+we could not have been more fortunate: the text was soon lost sight
+of, and the preacher warmed to his task.  Taking it for granted that
+his apparently respectable congregation was of the worst possible
+order, he worked himself into a passion, telling his hearers of their
+fearful future, dealing out revenge in copious quantities, and
+ignoring anything like love, mercy, or even justice.
+
+The heat of the sermon had worked me into a perspiration, and when on
+the way out my friend said, "Do you pay your ministers to insult you
+in that way?" I could not think of a reply, feeling he was looking
+down on us from a higher civilisation, and was glad of the excuse to
+say "How d'ye do?" to the old lady who had just caught my eye.
+
+Mrs. Fraser is an Aberdonian, and, though she has been half a century
+in Edinburgh, she has lost none of her northern accent, much to the
+annoyance of her daughters.
+
+"Oh, I'm nae weel at a'," she replied.  "I'm nae sae young as I've
+been, an' I seem tae be a' breakin' up thegither."
+
+"Oh, I'm very sorry," I said; "but I hope you'll soon be bet----"
+
+"I'm fair lame wi' thae rheumatics i' the knee, an' I've tried
+a'thing I can think o'.  I'm share, the siller I've spent on
+liniments an' medicines wad--I dinna ken what: an' jist thrown awa'.
+An' as for rubbin'----"
+
+Before she could find a simile for the useless effects of rubbing, I
+said, "Well, I'll bid you good----"
+
+"Ye micht as weel--I dinna ken what," she said, finding her suitable
+expression.  "An' then, my back's aye troublin' me: it's an awfu'
+thing, that lumbagie; but ye'll ken naething aboot that; an' the
+doctors dinna seem tae be able tae dae me ony guid."
+
+I took advantage of her coughing, to say "My friend is waiting on me,
+so I'll say----"
+
+"Not a bit o' guid: hot flannels, an' ironin' an' I dinna ken what
+a'; an' ye micht jist as weel--I dinna ken what."
+
+"Well, I'll not keep you standing in the cold," I said, as if I had
+been detaining her, though I was beginning to shiver after the hot
+time we had been treated to inside; but she did not seem to hear me,
+and continued:
+
+"An' then I was three weeks nursin' Mr. Fraser.  Ye wad see aboot it
+in the papers----"
+
+"Yes, I was very sorry to----"
+
+"Never had my claes aff, ye may say, for it was jist het watter an'
+laud'num cloths day an' nicht.  'Peritonitis' the doctors ca'd it,
+but I ken better: it was jist inflammation in 's inside, wi' a chill."
+
+"In--deed!" I said, with as much sympathy of expression as I could
+throw into the word.  "Well, I am afraid I'm keeping you in the cold,
+and my friend is----"
+
+"Ay, he was jist worn awa' tae skin an' bane.  I'm share he was an
+awfu'-like ticket; but I'm wonderfu', considering an' I have a lot
+tae be thankfu' for, after a'.  Diabetes, an' indyspepsy, an' a'
+their fancy names! but it's naething mair nor less than indisgestion,
+an' bad enough it is at that."
+
+[Illustration: "I'M FAIR LAME WI' THAE RHEUMATICS" _By W. Grant
+Stevenson, R.S.A._]
+
+I was now chilled through, and had been standing for ten minutes
+holding out my hand like a railway signal at the angle of "caution,"
+ready to shake hands and get away.  The crowd which had (as is usual
+on leaving church) blocked up the pavement for a considerable time,
+had all dispersed, and my friend was gesticulating wildly for me to
+"come on."  He had whispered to me, in his Cockney style, when the
+sermon was finished, "A pint of beer will go down fizzing after that;
+that's a hot 'un, that is," and I knew he was now impatient to
+realise his wish.  Still he was better off than I was; he was walking
+about to keep himself warm, while I was shivering beside one who
+forcibly brought to mind Outram's picture:
+
+  "But her! expose her onywhere,
+  She'll ca' for her annuity";
+
+and I could not help admiring her constitution and indifference to
+temperature, though I should have been better content without proof
+of it.  At last, getting desperate, I caught her hand and hurriedly
+said, "Good-bye."
+
+"Well, good-bye," she said; "I'm rale gled tae see ye; an' hoo's yer
+mither?"
+
+"Oh, she's quite well, thank you; good-bye."
+
+"Good-bye; remember me tae her, an' be share an' tell her I was
+speirin' for her, an'----"
+
+"Yes, thanks; I'll tell her; good-bye."
+
+"Say I was jist thinkin' aboot her the ither day, an' sayin' tae
+Maggie I mun ca' sune."
+
+"She'll be very pleased to see you, I'm sure," I said, edging away;
+and before she had time to reply, I lifted my hat and hurried off,
+and began to apologise to my friend; but he said, "It's all right,
+old man; I was sorry for you.  I know the sort; but if you've any
+regard for your own health, you'll not ask after hers again on a cold
+day.  I was smiling when I saw you make a grab at her hand; and when
+she kept a hold, and went on saying 'Good-bye,' I was afraid you were
+in for more of it.  It reminded me of a quiet boy who once called on
+us; and when I asked him, 'How's your father?' he said, 'He's quite
+well, thank you.'
+
+"'And your mother?'
+
+"'She's quite well, thank you.'
+
+"'And your uncle?'
+
+"'He's quite well, thank you."
+
+"'Big handsome fellow your uncle, isn't he?"
+
+"'I haven't got an uncle.'
+
+"I had mistaken the boy.--I say, by Jove, you're as white's a sheet;
+let's hurry to my hotel."
+
+A week has now crept slowly by, and I have not been able to get warm.
+I shiver as if I had ague; and blankets and hot drinks seem useless.
+My eyes water when I try to read; and I pass the time studying the
+wall-paper.  I seem to have got mesmerised with it,--discovering
+faces, figures, and animals among the flowers, only to lose them and
+search for them again.  Wallpapers are diabolical affairs.  It never
+struck me before how barbaric they are; though I remember of being
+afraid, when I was a little boy, to sit at the right of my
+grandfather's fire for an ugly demon with long yellow and white legs
+on the imitation marble mantelpiece.  We may call ourselves Liberals,
+Radicals, or Conservatives, but we are all conservative by nature.
+The first fiend who designed a wall-paper made the roses run in
+diagonal lines, and all his successors have followed him in this
+respect without considering the reason.
+
+Why should we have flowers on wall-paper?  And if we must submit to
+flowers, why should they not be natural?  Why should not the tired
+eye be able to rest when we are in bed?  Simply because the first
+fiend who designed wall-papers fixed it on his conservative
+disciples; he evidently "had them bad" at the time, or was just
+recovering from a second or third attack, and it is a great pity he
+had not died under the first.
+
+The flowers on my bedroom wall are evidently meant for
+chrysanthemums; but they are on a colossal scale, and afford every
+opportunity for one who has the leisure I have had this week of
+discovering a variety of subjects.  There is the head of an old woman
+with a long nose; but I am annoyed when I look at her, as I want to
+get up and correct the drawing of her left eye, and, as there are
+hundreds of her round the room in every repetition of the pattern, I
+feel I would require a lot of paint.  Then I turn away from her and
+look for the dancing negro, whom I only discovered on Thursday.  He
+is difficult to find, as I am not so familiar with the place.  The
+old woman keeps looking at me from every diamond; and I see the dog's
+head, with the ears formed by two leaves.  But where is the negro?  I
+think, "This is the wall-paper: where is the negro?" and "He won't be
+happy till he gets it."  And when I do find it, my eyes are so tired
+that I look to the ceiling for a rest; but the negro floats on the
+ceiling,--only he is green instead of brown, and the old woman is
+purple.  I shut my eyes, but they still float in changing colours.  I
+am certain the first designer had _delirium tremens_.
+
+"If I had the designing of wall-papers, I would make them different,"
+I think; but perhaps I am like the gentleman who said, "Give me the
+making of a country's songs, and I don't care who makes its laws."
+He never wrote any songs, though no one had the contract.
+
+Last spring the house-painter insisted on my selecting this paper as
+being from the latest book of patterns; but I had no idea of the
+mysterious and unsatisfactory figures it contained.  One has to study
+it for a week to discover all there is in it, and there was not time
+then, or I might have said, "The woman's eyes are not the same size;
+the negro has one leg longer than the other; and the dog's nose is
+not at the right angle."
+
+
+When I am able to get out of bed, I shall have paper of a simple tint
+put on, and I shall be careful to whom I say "How d'ye do?"
+
+
+
+
+M'CRANKY'S BRACE OF GROUSE
+
+The M'Crankys have had a few friends to dinner, but though the viands
+and wine were faultless, three of the four couples who sat down, left
+with the disagreeable feeling of being 'found out' in a little bit of
+pardonable deception.
+
+M'Cranky had gone, as usual on the Twelfth, to his friend's shooting
+on the Lugate, only thinking of the pleasure of inhaling the
+invigorating air and the delightful sensation of hearing the birds
+fall with a thud.  A shooting season makes one forget the drawbacks
+in the shape of climbing a hill, only to find that we have to go down
+the other side to climb another; then there are the interminable
+"hags," so easy to slide into and so difficult to climb out of, as
+one sinks over the boots in the wet peaty earth.
+
+None of the party having M.P. at the end of his name, it was arranged
+that they should go out on the 11th and have a look over the ground;
+the weather did not look promising, but Gilfillan the keeper tried to
+inspire hope by saying that "it micht clear up by the morn," adding,
+as if to himself, "if the wind wad only change."  Carts of provisions
+were arriving, and the white-washed house seemed to be preparing for
+a lengthened siege.  The night was passed pleasantly, each one
+recalling the good shooting he had done last season.
+
+"Do you remember the blackcock I brought down after you had fired at
+it, up by the shepherd's house?  it was a long way out."
+
+"Yes, but that gun of mine carries a long way.  I killed a hare on
+the moor, dead on the spot, and paced it, eighty-two paces.
+Gilfillan saw it."
+
+No one required to be called in the morning; and as each one got up,
+he went to the window to find a leaden sky and a drizzling rain,
+which looked as if it meant to stay a few days.
+
+During breakfast there were many glances out of the window in the
+hope of seeing a clear streak of sky rising behind the hill, and when
+the repast was over and pipes lit, there was a general saunter round
+to the kennels to hear Gilfillan's opinion.
+
+"I canna just say I like the look o't; be quiet, wumman; they dowgs
+is just daft to get oot.  I wadna wonder, though, if it clears up by
+the efternoon.  The dowgs ken fine what's up when they see you
+gentlemen; bit as lang's ye keep on the move, a drap rain'll no hurt
+ye, though the birds'll no sit sae weel."
+
+The dogs seemed to throw some of their eagerness into the company,
+and it was resolved to make a start--the first few shots almost
+making them forget the rain, further than in keeping their cartridges
+dry.  Half an hour, however, brought back to M'Cranky's memory the
+unpleasant aspect of the sport; the exercise and excitement kept his
+heart thumping with extra violence, his feet were soaking, and every
+step made a slushy sound.  There is as much inspiration, however, in
+following a dog as there is in "the sound of the drum," and M'Cranky
+persevered, wiping rain and perspiration from his face.
+
+The following days were much the same, and as the birds were wild and
+the bags not large, M'Cranky would not take more than a brace of
+birds and a hare on leaving.
+
+"No, no," he said, in reply to his host insisting on his taking more,
+"I like game well enough, but the sport better."
+
+"Is that all you've brought home," said Mrs. M'Cranky.  "I
+thought----"
+
+"I wouldn't take any more; we had bad sport."
+
+"I'll tell you what we'll do then; we'll send them to Mrs. Wallace.
+You know she----"
+
+"You'll do nothing of the sort, by jingo!  Those birds have cost me,"
+but M'Cranky suddenly remembered he had better not mention the sum,
+as his wife would immediately think of the dress which could have
+been got for the money--her usual idea of comparison.  So he changed
+his sentence to--"It's not every day I can go to shoot."
+
+"You had a good deal of shooting last season," said Mrs. M'Cranky,
+not in a tone of reproach, but to put her husband in the good humour
+she wished, and set him on pleasant reminiscences.
+
+"Well, you know," he said, with a smile of satisfaction with himself,
+"I couldn't help it; they were always wanting me to give them a hand
+when they wanted a bag."
+
+"And we can have some lovely hare soup," continued Mrs. M'Cranky,
+taking the gift of grouse for granted.  Generosity, no doubt, was her
+principal feeling, though there was an under-current of satisfaction
+in the knowledge that the gift would be understood to reflect credit
+on her husband as a sportsman, and he was not long out of the house
+till the birds were despatched to "Mrs. Wallace, with Mr. M'Cranky's
+compliments."
+
+"What do you think I've got?" said Mrs. Wallace, in the usual
+enigmatical fashion of females.  "A brace of grouse from the
+M'Crankys.  I like the parcel post, but I just hate telegrams; I'm
+always afraid to open them in case some one's dead."
+
+"I know," said Mr. Wallace, "it's a failing of the sex; you would
+like the boy to tell you what's inside before you open the envelope."
+
+"And we've got an invitation to go over and stay with Nell for a few
+days, so I was just thinking we might send the grouse to Mrs. Clark.
+I want to take the bounce out of her, at any rate, and let her know
+we have swell friends, too; you can't talk to her five minutes till
+she is on to her 'county friends,' her 'West End friends,' and her
+'carriage people.'  I know she won't like taking grouse from me, so
+I'll just send them."
+
+"You're a rum lot, you women; I've to want the grouse to satisfy your
+stupid idea, I suppose."
+
+"They were addressed to me, and you can get plenty later on; but I
+wouldn't miss this chance for anything.  She'll perhaps think you've
+been at the shooting, and she'll be just wild."
+
+"That'll be nice," said Mr. Wallace, with mild sarcasm; but he had
+more sense than to argue the subject, and the grouse were passed on
+to "Mrs. Clark, with Mr. Wallace's compliments."
+
+Mrs. Clark put on a careless air when the grouse were brought in, as
+if she were expecting a few more similar parcels from her various
+"county friends"; but when she read, "With Mr. Wallace's
+compliments," the expression on her face changed.
+
+"The i--dea," she said.  "Well, I never!  Set them up!  Mrs. Wallace
+either wants me to think her husband has been shooting, or that they
+have got more from their country friends than they can use.  I'll
+have to write and thank her--perfectly annoying."
+
+Mrs. Clark gave vent to her feelings while writing:
+
+
+"My DEAR MRS. WALLACE--[impertinence].--Thanks so much for the lovely
+grouse.  [I would rather--I don't know what--than she had sent them.]
+You evidently know my weakness, dear, and yours is the first we have
+received this season.  [That'll let her know we are in the habit of
+getting game.]  I am already looking forward to the treat.  [I won't
+touch them.]  Thanking you again, and with love.--Yours
+affectionately, MARY CLARK.
+
+
+"I know what--yes.  Mrs. M'Cranky called the other day for nothing
+else, I'm sure, than to let me know her husband was away shooting.
+I'll let her know we have friends who have shootings as well as she
+has; she'll not know where we got them."
+
+When Mr. Clark came home at night he had reluctantly to consent to
+take them with him the following morning and send them to M'Cranky's
+office.
+
+"Generosity has been rewarded," said M'Cranky, when he took the birds
+home at night.  "Clark sent these to the office; very good of him.
+Met him at the club at lunch, and asked him to bring his wife on
+Thursday to help us with them.  Young birds won't keep."
+
+"We may as well ask Mr. and Mrs. Wallace, too," said Mrs. M'Cranky;
+"they haven't been here since they were married."
+
+"All right; but you'll have to buy another brace."
+
+"That will be too many, unless we were to ask Mr. and Mrs. Wilson."
+
+"All right; please yourself."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky is one of a numerous class who delight in worrying over
+preparations for a dinner, and who feel well rewarded when any of the
+ladies remark that "the table is beautifully laid out," and her
+excitement was kept up till the guests arrived, when the conversation
+became general, and every one seemed prepared to laugh at the mildest
+of jokes; but when the grouse were brought in, three of the ladies
+felt as if the sword of Damocles was hanging over their heads by a
+very slender thread.  Just before going to the dining-room, Mrs.
+M'Cranky had a final look into the kitchen to see that all was right,
+when the cook upset her equilibrium by saying:
+
+"Do you know, mum, that the two grouse the master brought in are the
+same you sent to Mrs. Wallace?"
+
+"Nonsense!" said Mrs. M'Cranky; "surely you are mistaken."
+
+"The self an' same birds, mum.  I knew the string; an' one of them
+had a little grass sticking under the wing, where it had been
+bleeding."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky tried to banish the unpleasant thought from her mind,
+but it would return, as if asking for a solution.
+
+"The grouse is very nice," said Mrs. Wilson.  "One enjoys it so much
+at the beginning of the season."
+
+"You have Mr. Clark to thank," said the innocent M'Cranky, and three
+swords fell.
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky tried to catch her husband's eye, but he would not look
+her way, and it was too late, at any rate.  Mr. Clark got a warning
+look from his wife, and though he did not comprehend it fully, he
+knew he was to say nothing.  Mrs. Wallace's cheeks turned red, and
+she tried to hide her blushes by bending over her plate, feeling she
+had made Mrs. Clark her enemy.
+
+The stereotyped compliment was repeated by everyone on
+leaving--"Thank you so much for a very pleasant evening"; but a
+different sentiment was expressed in two of the cabs on the way home.
+
+"Well, that was a good spread," said Mr. Wallace, with the satisfied
+tone of one who is at peace with all mankind.
+
+"Don't light that cigar, for any sake; I feel just like to cry; I
+never was so miserable in my life."
+
+"What's wrong?"
+
+"What's wrong!  Can't you see?  Mrs. M'Cranky got back her grouse,
+and we're all found out."
+
+"Ha, ha! well, that's a good one."
+
+"Do you think so?  I call it just beastly."
+
+"M'Cranky does the thing well," said Mr. Clark.
+
+"Don't speak about it.  I never felt so glad to get out of a house."
+
+"How?"
+
+"That Mrs. Wallace knows I gave away her grouse, but thank goodness
+she's found out too."
+
+"I don't understand."
+
+"No; men are donkeys."
+
+"Women are mysteries."
+
+
+
+
+M'CRANKY'S DECEPTIONS ABOUT GOLF
+
+It is a pity that evil should be mixed with our most healthy and, in
+themselves, innocent amusements.  Some bad men, who are otherwise
+modest, boast of and exaggerate their achievements, tell of the good
+things done, and omit the stupid, as in the case of the sportsman of
+whom it was said, "What he hit was history, what he missed was
+mystery."
+
+Golf is generally admitted to be one of the best recreations for
+combining the necessary amount of excitement, removing all thoughts
+of business cares, and at the same time giving exercise in the open
+air, making it all the more regrettable that it should be capable of
+leading to the debasing and humiliating position experienced by Mr.
+M'Cranky.
+
+Golfers could be found who are considered--and consider
+themselves--strictly honest, who would omit to count a miss if they
+were not observed, or surreptitiously move their ball to a better
+position.
+
+"There is one thing I like about golf," said an Englishman who has
+only been a few months at the game, "It is impossible to cheat at it."
+
+"You don't know," said his friend, smiling.  "Two caddies were
+playing for a sovereign, at Musselburgh, and, in going to Mrs.
+Forman's, one lost his ball, and as the five minutes allowed to look
+for a lost ball were about up, and he saw the hole would be lost to
+him, he quietly dropped another ball and said, 'Oh, here it is!' when
+his opponent, who had apparently been assisting him to find the ball,
+turned on him reproachfully and said, 'That's a lie!  I've had your
+ball in my pocket all the time.'"
+
+Though M'Cranky is almost invariably in the wrong in the many
+arguments he has with his better half, he has the greatest dislike to
+being found out, and never admits being mistaken; and--argue as he
+may with himself--he feels that his duplicity has been discovered by
+his wife.
+
+Their friend Mrs. Watson had spent June and July at a farmhouse near
+Crieff, and one day at tea she told Mrs. M'Cranky how much she and
+the children had enjoyed the place, and benefited by it.
+
+"You should certainly take it for August and September," she said;
+and Mrs. M'Cranky, knowing that the selection of summer quarters was
+generally left to herself, at once determined to write and secure the
+house, little thinking that M'Cranky had another scheme on hand.  She
+was impatient for the dinner hour, being anxious to impart the
+glowing account of the place as described by Mrs. Watson.
+
+"Mrs. Watson's home from Crieff," she began, "and she was awfully
+sorry to leave, and she says it's just the place for us, and I'm
+going to write after dinner to secure it, in case any one should be
+after it."
+
+"You'll have to go yourself, then; I can't."
+
+"But you must, dear; you know quite well that you require a rest, and
+it's a fine bracing place, and plenty of nice milk and eggs, and--"
+
+"I don't care for milk, and in any case I tell you I can't go."
+
+"And the people are so kind, Mrs. Watson says."
+
+"Why did she come home, then?"
+
+"Oh! she had to, you know; and there's a horse and a trap we can have
+the use of.  The farmer used to drive Mrs. Watson and the girls every
+day, but he says he couldn't drive now, as he'll be so busy; but
+that'll be all the better, because we'll have it all to ourselves,
+and you can drive fine.  You remember when----"
+
+"Drive!  you would drive anybody out of his mind with your talk.
+Didn't I tell you I can't go."
+
+"But you must, dear.  I can't let you kill yourself with work, and
+Mrs. Watson says it is very cheap.  She got the rooms for eight
+pounds and ten pounds, but she thinks it might be twelve pounds for
+August, only if we stayed on we might get it in September for six
+pounds, and then there's a great saving.  You know when she was at
+Luss last year she paid about thirty shillings to get her luggage
+taken to the house, and then she had to pay for the cartage of the
+coals--I forget how much, but we would save all that because the
+farmer would send a cart, and that all helps to reduce the rent, you
+know."
+
+"Well, we can't go there this month, and that's all about it.  I
+don't care much where we go, but I must get into business every
+morning, and as you're on the economical tack, we can get the place
+cheaper in September.  Now there's North Berwick; I know several
+fellows who come into town every morning, and we can all come
+together; in fact, I was told of a house close to the links--to the
+station; and then you know"--he added with more than his usual
+consideration--"it'll not be so lonely for you, as you'll meet a lot
+of your lady friends, and I can easily spare the Saturdays."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky was very reluctant to give up the dream of driving
+about the country without having to think of the cost per hour for a
+trap.  Still she felt business must not be neglected, and September
+is often a nice month.  M'Cranky was in a bad humour with himself.
+The idea of going to North Berwick had been a week in his head, and
+he was annoyed that he had not spoken of it before Mrs. Watson
+called, as he would have simply said, as he intended, that he would
+take a house there, for the sake of the golf.  Now, he had, without
+thinking of the result, pretended that his object in going there was
+in order to be able to attend to business.  He must now, however,
+keep up the deception.
+
+"Is there any use putting in your knickerbockers," said Mrs.
+M'Cranky, the night before they were leaving.
+
+"I dare say you may," said M'Cranky; "I may get a round in the
+evenings, you know"; and immediately he had spoken he was annoyed
+that he had not had courage to say he intended having more than a
+round in the evenings; it made him feel that he was afraid of his
+wife, though he would not admit to himself that such a thing was
+possible.  It was just the way the thing had come about, but he would
+let her know soon, though, like most people, he put off the evil day
+of confession till too late.
+
+"There's no use going in to town to-day," he said on the first
+morning.  "I'll stay and see the things unpacked, and they know to
+write or wire if there's anything important.  Where's my
+knickerbockers?"
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky was pleased with her husband's thoughtfulness, knowing
+that he hated to be asked even to untie a rope; but he had little
+intention of ruffling his temper with the hated work.  He was looking
+at his watch every few minutes, and asking if breakfast wasn't ready.
+
+"Hurry up," he said to the girl; "just bring in whatever you have
+ready.  I smell ham; if it's not ready, I couldn't take any--I mean I
+don't wish ham this morning, unless it's--; look sharp with whatever
+you have."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky was still in the bedroom, and he was hurrying with his
+breakfast as if he had only a few minutes to catch the morning train,
+so that he had just about finished when she entered.
+
+"You haven't finished already?" she said, as he rose from the table.
+
+"Yes; you've been a long time of dressing.  Just help yourself to the
+ham, and I'll go out and have a saunter."
+
+He had great difficulty in keeping his hands from his watch, and in
+restraining himself to walk slowly out of the room with the necessary
+aimlessness of one who has nothing to do.  In the lobby he was
+careful not to make a noise in lifting the clubs, and though a door
+in the back garden opened to the Links, he walked out by the front,
+as the dining-room window commanded a view of the back garden; and no
+sooner had he got away from the house than he doubled his pace,
+making up his mind that he wouldn't sneak away in that manner again,
+but just say he was going to golf--not thinking how much easier it is
+to get into deceit than to get out of it.
+
+"What's kept you?" said his friend Macfarlane at the teeing ground;
+"our number has been called."
+
+"Well, there's a lot of things to unpack, you know."
+
+This was literally true, but M'Cranky felt that his expression of it
+was fallacious, and, as he remembered reading at school, very nearly
+related to falsehood.  It was humiliating, but he would put it all
+right to-morrow morning, and he might have acted up to his intentions
+if he had been able to adopt the proverb of thinking twice before
+speaking once; but when, next morning, Mrs. M'Cranky said, "You're
+not going to town in your knickerbockers, are you?" he hastily said:
+
+"Oh, I don't know; there's nobody in town you know; but, in fact, I
+wasn't thinking----"
+
+"Oh yes, keep them on.  I like you in knickerbockers.  I wish
+everybody wore them--gentlemen, I mean."
+
+The interruption was unfortunate for poor M'Cranky's resolution; he
+was screwing himself up to say that he wasn't thinking of going to
+town, and giving up the pretence of not being able to get away from
+business.  He did not like the idea of going round the Links,
+continually looking about him in fear of meeting his wife; but she
+had no suspicion, as he walked out without clubs, having told his
+caddie to keep them for him; and when she said, "You're not going to
+town with these clumsy boots on?  Put on your brown shoes; they are
+much neater," he mumbled something about hurting his feet when he had
+thick stockings on.
+
+The deception had been going on for about a fortnight, and M'Cranky
+was getting hardened in it, when his friend said, "Mrs. Macfarlane
+was telling me she had asked Mrs. M'Cranky along to supper to-night,
+and I was to bring you along with me."
+
+"Thank you," said M'Cranky, with an idea that exposure was imminent.
+Would he ask his friend not to allude to golf?  No; that would be a
+confession that he was afraid of his wife, and he would have no one
+think that.  He must trust to luck.  It would be bad enough for his
+wife to find it out, but worse if before other people.  That was his
+least enjoyable day; and as golf requires all one's attention, and
+M'Cranky's thoughts were wandering, he played a bad game.  He was
+wishing the night safely over, and he would certainly put an end to
+the deceit next day.
+
+"Aren't our husbands looking well?" said Mrs. Macfarlane to Mrs.
+M'Cranky.  "But no wonder they are brown; the two of them are never
+off the----"
+
+"You have a fine view here," M'Cranky interrupted, trying to change
+the subject.
+
+"Yes; I suppose you haven't been as far east before?  You men never
+think of anything but the Links; you never think of taking out your
+wives."
+
+"Well, you know, Mr. M'Cranky hasn't much time just now, and I know
+he is the better of any exercise he can get.  However, next month we
+are going to Crieff, and he'll have no business to worry him; but
+when one has to go in to business every day, it just spoils the----"
+
+"May we have a smoke?" said M'Cranky perspiring with excitement.  "We
+might go outside"; and the two women were left to have a talk by
+themselves.
+
+"Does your wife think you go in to town every morning?" Macfarlane
+asked, laughing, when they got outside.
+
+"Oh, I don't think so," said M'Cranky, with assumed carelessness.
+"You see, she wanted to go to Crieff this month, and I--eh--didn't
+see my way at the time, and--eh--perhaps I didn't say anything about
+it after.  She's always late for breakfast, and, in fact, I never
+thought anything about it."
+
+The two ladies laughed when their husbands returned; and when Mrs.
+Macfarlane said, "There's not one better than another; men were
+deceivers ever," M'Cranky felt that the secret was out.  "He has been
+telling his wife," he thought; "some men can't keep anything from
+their wives."  Still he felt that he was only trying to excuse
+himself, and that he was in the wrong--a bitter admission for him to
+have to admit even to himself.  And what was the cause of all his
+deceit?  Simply that Davidson had asked him to have a day at
+Kinghorn, and had beaten him; and he had determined to have a month's
+practice, and challenge him again.  "I could easily beat Davidson,"
+he said, when asked how they got on; "he has a bad style of
+addressing the ball, and only takes a half swing."
+
+Davidson, however, had been practising too, and has beaten him again
+in the return match, and now M'Cranky has not even the satisfaction
+of feeling that his subterfuge and humiliation have been compensated.
+
+
+
+
+  MRS. M'CRANKY AT THE
+  INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL MATCH...
+
+"You don't require uour ulster to-day, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky on
+Saturday afternoon, seeing her husband preparing to go out; "it's
+quite mild, and your ulster's so shabby at any rate, and you've got
+your heavy shoes on too--are you going to golf?"
+
+"No, I was thinking of going to the football match."
+
+This was said as if his mind had not been made up on the subject,
+though he had bought two tickets for the stand the week before, one
+of which he had forgotten to give to the friend for whom he intended
+it.
+
+"Is that where all the people are going?  They were going down
+Queensferry Street in crowds just now when I came along.  I wonder
+you can be bothered going to such a thing.  May I come with you?"
+
+"You'll be tired; you've just been out; and you don't think it will
+be worth seeing."
+
+"I'll not be tired if I'm with you, and I don't care what it is as
+long as I'm beside you.  I was at the Exhibition."
+
+"Come along, then; we must hurry up to get a good seat."
+
+"What a crowd of people!" said Mrs. M'Cranky, as they were entering
+the gate.  "What do they charge for admission?"
+
+"A shilling," said Mr. M'Cranky, truthfully, but fallaciously,
+handing over two tickets for which he had paid 3_s._ 6_d._ each.
+
+"There's nothing to be seen but people.  What are these men doing at
+that table?"
+
+"These are the reporters."
+
+"Is it so interesting as that?  Will people read about it?"
+
+"I should think so; it's the first thing a lot of fellows look at."
+
+"But what is the game?  What do they try to do?"
+
+"Well, you see, the match to-day is between Scotland and Wales.  The
+Scotch will try to drive the ball one way, and the Welsh the other;
+and if they kick it over that bar, that's a goal, and counts five."
+
+"And do you mean to say that men will come all the way from Wales to
+kick a ball over a post?"
+
+"Yes, and crowds will come with them to see it."
+
+"Well, I didn't think men could be so stupid."
+
+"Wait till you see them at it, and you'll understand.  Here they
+come!  I hear the people shouting.  There they are!  That's Wales!"
+
+"They look very nice in their red jerseys.  I hope they'll win."
+
+"I hope not, by jingo! or I'll lose half a--eh; why do you hope
+they'll win?  Wouldn't you be better pleased if Scotland won?"
+
+"No; I think if they are at the trouble to come all this length, it
+would be only kindness of our side to let them win, and then they
+would go home pleased."
+
+"There's Scotland coming in at the other end; hooray!"
+
+"I hope they'll win too.  They look very nice, but their jerseys are
+not so clean; they might have had them washed when they are receiving
+company.  That's not a rough game.  I've heard they were sometimes
+rough with each other."
+
+"They haven't begun yet; that's only a bit fun to stretch themselves.
+There's a pigeon away."
+
+"Where did it come from, dear?"
+
+"The reporters; there, it's away to the office with a message."
+
+"The dear, sweet, innocent thing; I hope it will find its way; it's
+flying round about, poor thing."
+
+"Oh, it's all right.  Scotland's lost the toss; they're kicking off."
+
+"I wonder you can laugh, dear," said Mrs. M'Cranky a few minutes
+later; "didn't you see one of the Wales men knocked over, and his
+trousers are all mud, and the clumsy fellow who did it never stopped
+to apologise.  No wonder the English think we're a set of savages.
+Hold your tongue, dear; don't shout like that.  I wouldn't encourage
+them, and the people will hear you.  There's another man down; it's
+perfectly disgraceful; and there's that stupid policeman looking on
+and pretending he doesn't see it.  Now, if that were to happen in the
+street, he would take the man up quick enough.  If I were these men
+from Wales, I would never come back."
+
+"Well stopped, Cameron!" shouted M'Cranky.
+
+"Oh, do you know them, dear?  He's knocked down, I declare.  The
+Welshmen are no better than ours.  Is the little one Cameron?"
+
+"Yes, yes; don't haver, it was well stopped."
+
+"But that Welshman ought to be ashamed of himself; he's so much
+bigger than Cameron.  Is he nice?--Cameron, I mean."
+
+"Yes, a very nice fellow."
+
+"Well, I think it's cruel to behave like that; he might have been
+hurt.  What's the use of behaving like that?  I don't understand what
+they're trying to do.  What's the use of--look at that!  I'm not
+going to stay here any longer; somebody is sure to get hurt.  There
+was a man took another by the neck and deliberately threw him on the
+ground, just because he had the ball, I suppose.  What's the use of
+fighting like that over a ball?  Can they not take the other one--I
+saw them bring in two--and let each side use their own ball?  Do you
+see any fun in that?  Come away home, dear; you're shaking with cold."
+
+M'Cranky was shaking, but it was with excitement.
+
+"Not precious likely," he said.  "I wouldn't miss this for anything.
+Pass!  The idiot! why didn't he pass?"
+
+"He couldn't get past, dear.  You shouldn't speak like that.  Didn't
+you see that man took a hold of him as if he had been a pickpocket?
+What are they doing now?"
+
+"Scrimmage."
+
+"I declare the people are all mad, shouting 'Scotland.'  Can't they
+see the poor fellows are doing their best; and, besides, it's bad
+taste before the visitors.  I can't understand you men; you wouldn't
+hurt a fly, and yet you laugh and shout 'well played' or something
+when a man throws another down and falls on the top of him.  I didn't
+think you could be so cruel."
+
+"Rubbish!  Well saved again, Cameron!  Played, MacGregor!"
+
+"If you know the gentlemen, you should speak to them, dear; tell them
+not to be so rough, and I'm sure they would enjoy the game better.
+What will their mothers say when they go home with their clothes in
+such a mess!  I wouldn't let them play if they were mine."
+
+"Half-time.  Well, the Scotch should do something next half, with
+what wind there is in their favour."
+
+"Is it not finished, dear?  I don't think we should stay.  I'm sure
+you'll catch cold; you've just been shivering all the time.  Is that
+slices of lemon they're getting?  I think they should get some nice
+warm water to wash themselves, they are all so dirty; and I'm sure
+they would be the better of a cup of tea.  It seems very difficult to
+do what they are trying, and no wonder; when any one got the ball and
+was running away, that gentleman with the flag blew a whistle and
+brought him back.  What business has he to interfere?"
+
+"He's referee, and it must have been thrown forward."
+
+"Well, but one couldn't help that, if it's wrong.  If I had the ball
+I would just run on, and pretend not to hear the whistle.  He spoilt
+the game several times, and I'm sure they're all gentlemen, who
+wouldn't do anything unfair, though they are rough with each other."
+
+"They're off again; Sco--otland!"
+
+"Hold your tongue, dear; they're just working like slaves.  I don't
+see how they can call that a game."
+
+"D-- it, they're in!  Isn't--that--most----"
+
+"For shame, dear!  You shouldn't speak like that.  I don't see why
+you should pay to get in here, for you don't seem to have enjoyed it
+a bit.  Has Wales won?"
+
+"They've got a try--humbug!"
+
+"Well, I'm very glad, after all their trouble coming here."
+
+"Well played, Leggat!  He's always on the spot when wanted."
+
+"Now, isn't that simply disgraceful!  They've torn a man's jersey.  I
+believe the Welsh are just as bad as our fellows.  Now, it's enough
+to give that poor fellow his death of cold, when he's heated; and the
+people are laughing, too, as if it was fun; but they seem to expect
+that sort of thing, for there's a man coming with another.  I think
+they would require to keep a stock of wooden legs, if they go on that
+way.  That's not the way gentlemen should behave."
+
+"Our backs are weak," said M'Cranky to himself.
+
+"Well, that one who had his jersey torn off has a very strong back;
+don't you think so?  Now, there's one of the Welshmen hurt!  I knew
+something would happen.  It's perfectly disgraceful in a civilised
+country.  Somebody should really write to the papers about it; and
+what are the policemen doing here if they allow that sort of conduct?
+They're taking off his stocking, poor fellow; I hope he'll have more
+sense than try football again, but there's not one better than
+another."
+
+"Oh, he's all right; he's getting up again."
+
+"Well, if I were him I would just say I wouldn't play; he's quite
+lame, poor fellow.  I can't understand it; he's going to play again.
+Well, I hope it'll be a lesson to them all to be more careful; but I
+would like to go home, dear.  I'm afraid some one will get hurt.  You
+might come away; you know you're just exciting yourself for nothing.
+What do you say to having a cup of tea with----"
+
+"Tea, be blowed!  I'm not going to move.  Scotland hasn't scored yet,
+and it's time they were hurrying up."
+
+"I wonder you can be so cruel, dear.  I think they have all more need
+of a rest."
+
+"By jingo! there's Menzies in!  No, he's brought back.  Isn't that
+most----"
+
+"Be careful, dear; people will hear you."
+
+"Another try for Wales--well, I'm----"
+
+"Hush, dear, we should really go away; you're getting quite cross."
+
+"No wonder; it would make a saint swear--two tries to nothing!"
+
+As Wales added a goal and a try to their score, M'Cranky got more
+excited, and his language waxed stronger; and when the game was over,
+he left in the worst of humours.
+
+"I'm sure you haven't enjoyed it a bit," said Mrs. M'Cranky, "and I'm
+very glad, for you'll not go back again.  I know I wouldn't sit again
+to see young men treat each other so roughly."
+
+M'Cranky wished the game was to be played over again, and regretted
+there was not to be another International Match in Scotland this
+year; in any case, Mrs. M'Cranky won't be asked to go again.
+
+
+
+
+MR. M'CRANKY
+
+Mr. M'Cranky is not a bad sort of man--as long as things go smoothly,
+but he hasn't a morsel of patience, and gets out of temper if his
+wife can't find anything he wants at once.
+
+One night at dinner he said: "By the by, I've got two tickets for the
+concert to-night; care to go?  I'm not one of those fellows who never
+think of taking their wives anywhere; in fact, I think wives would be
+much cheerier to their husbands if they were taken out oftener."
+
+"Oh, that will be delightful!" said Mrs. M'Cranky, "only I wish you
+had told me yesterday, so that I could have had my dress----"
+
+"Had your dress turned or trimmed, or something; that's the worst of
+asking a woman to go anywhere; as much trouble about it."
+
+M'Cranky settled down to the evening paper, in front of the fire,
+with his feet on the grate, and Mrs. M'Cranky bustled away to get out
+his dress suit, and put studs and links in his shirt, laying them all
+out, ready to put on.
+
+When she was half dressed she cried: "It's time you were getting
+ready, dear."
+
+"All right.  I don't take an afternoon to dress; five minutes 'll do
+me."
+
+After being called on about a dozen times, he went to dress, and
+found his wife struggling with a hook-and-eye at her back.
+
+"Will you put in this hook, dear?" she said.
+
+"H'm, you might be able to put on your own clothes by this time;
+con--found--" then he gave a tug, and his finger slipped and got
+scratched against the hook, and he said something that sounded like
+"damaged."
+
+"Never mind, dear, I'll do it myself."
+
+"Where's my shirt?"
+
+"On the bed, dear."
+
+"It isn't."
+
+"I put everything out, ready for you; rise--oh! that's too bad,
+you've been sitting on it; your best one too, and look at it!"
+
+"Never mind, gimme't.  Hullo, as usual, no button on the back; you
+might manage to keep one button on a shirt; if I were a woman----"
+
+"That's the new patent one you bought; it doesn't require a button."
+
+"Oh, you just glue the collar to it, eh? or fix it with a screw-nail
+to the back of my neck?  D'ye think I'm going with a collar up the
+back of my ears, like Sir Walter Raleigh?  Gimme a one-button shirt."
+
+"That's the one you got to--; it only requires a stud at the back;
+you said it was a 'great idea.'"
+
+"See a stud, then."
+
+"I haven't one, dear; didn't you get one with the shirt?  Never mind,
+I'll fix it with a pin; it'll do for the night."
+
+"All right, look alive.  What are you--?  You needn't pin it to my
+neck.  Where's my tie? fasten it up."
+
+"Can't you put on your own clothes yet, dear?" said Mrs. M'Cranky
+venturing on a mild retaliation.
+
+"Smart, eh? where's my--.  Oh, here it is.  Now, hurry up; you're no
+further on than when I came into the room, and I'm nearly dressed."
+
+"I've been attending to you, dear."
+
+"Now, look here, we've only--.  Hullo, my watch is standing."
+
+"Perhaps you forgot to wind it up when you came home from that dinner
+last n--this morning."
+
+"Where's the key? it's a strange thing women must dust everything out
+of sight.  I've spoken till I'm tired, but you're all the same.
+Where is the key?  I put it in the tray last night, and it's away.
+Can you not get it into that idiot's head to leave these things where
+she finds them?"
+
+M'Cranky will not profit by experience; he has a feeling that
+whenever he puts out the gas, his slippers quietly creep under the
+bed or the dressing-table, and he has not yet discovered that their
+apparently supernatural disappearance is due to the way he throws
+them off.  He has also to learn, in spite of years of experience,
+that looking for anything is not his forte, and that the missing
+article is generally where he left it, or in his pocket.
+
+"If you left it there, it must be----"
+
+"Left it there?  Of course I did; I always put it in that tray; but
+of all the idiots you ever had, I think this one beats them.  Tell
+her to go for a cab."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky rang, and hearing her say: "Tell Dickson to send a cab
+in about five minutes, Sarah," her husband continued: "Look alive,
+then, an' get dressed.  The concert's to-night, you know.  Where's my
+hanky?  You always let me out without one, unless I remember.
+
+"I laid one out for you, dear."
+
+"Let's see you lift it then."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky was busy coiling up her hair and fastening it with
+hairpins, taking them from the usual receptacle (her mouth), so that
+she could not speak distinctly.
+
+"I waid it on the beb, dear."
+
+"Oh, you 'waid it on the beb,' did you?  Would you just indicate
+where that is?"
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky looked round and said: "There it's in your breast,
+dear."
+
+"Look alive then; I don't want to go in late, as if it were church,
+and you had a new bonnet on.  Hurry up; I'm all ready."
+
+"Are you going in your stocking soles, dear?"
+
+"Where's my shoes?  Oh, here they are, now; hurry up, if you intend
+to go."
+
+"I'm ready, dear; have you got everything?"
+
+"Yes, yes; come on, for any sake."
+
+Mrs. M'Cranky can't leave the house without giving the domestic a lot
+of instructions, and, as usual, when she was in the lobby, she began:
+"Sarah, put out the gas in the dining-room and shut the door, and
+keep the cat in the----"
+
+"Oh, come on."
+
+"I'm coming, dear; and, Sarah--"; then she whispered something,
+finishing with--"for supper, when we come home."
+
+"Are you coming to-night?"
+
+"Yes, dear; have you got the opera glass?"
+
+"No; where is it?"
+
+"In the drawer there.  Sarah, have a good fire on, and--" and then
+followed more whispered injunctions, concluding with "for breakfast."
+
+When they were seated in the cab, Mrs. M'Cranky said: "Have you got
+the tickets, dear?"
+
+"No; con--found it.  Hi! cabby; turn back; that's the worst of taking
+women anywhere."
+
+"How, dear; can you get in without a ticket?"
+
+Mr. M'Cranky was so long looking for the tickets that Mrs. M'Cranky
+went into help him, but he had just discovered them in his topcoat
+pocket.
+
+"What did you worry me about the tickets for?" he asked, angrily.  "I
+had them all right."
+
+"Sarah, have you put out the----?"
+
+"Oh, come on."
+
+In paying the cabman, M'Cranky found he hadn't the necessary
+sixpence, and after fumbling in his pockets, he asked his wife: "Have
+you a sixpence?"
+
+"No, dear, I'm sorry."
+
+"H'm! you never have any money."
+
+"I know, dear; I wish you would give me some more frequently."
+
+The doors were not open, and M'Cranky's small stock of patience had
+long been exhausted, and though he had been bustling his wife, he
+said: "Now, you see! you would rush me out; we've half an hour to
+wait.  Just like you women; no idea of the value of time.  I might
+have had a comfortable smoke."
+
+"Do you make money smoking, dear? we ought to be quite wealthy."
+
+Though there was a considerable time to wait, Mrs. M'Cranky quite
+enjoyed herself, studying the dresses of the new arrivals, and
+pleased to bow to those she knew, as it showed them she had a
+considerate husband, and M'Cranky had the satisfactory feeling that
+he had done his duty as a husband.
+
+On their return from the concert, Mrs. M'Cranky observed her husband
+taking the missing watch-key from his vest pocket; but her previous
+experiences in similar circumstances made her take no notice of his
+mistake.
+
+
+
+
+THE SINGING LESSON
+
+I once had a lesson in singing, though those who have heard me sing
+are sceptical.  I got it from a dairyman--a peculiar speaker.  His
+tongue seemed too large for his mouth, as if it had been made for his
+big brother.  I knew that he was fond of singing, because he had told
+me he had "A chertificate frae the Choral Union.  Oh, I got it framed
+up in the hooth yonder"; and knowing this, I asked him on one
+occasion how he was getting on with singing.  "Oh, I'm gettin' on
+first rate noo.  Man, I wath goin' on the wrang sthyle a'thegither,
+but I got thum letth'ns frae an Italian chap--what wath this his name
+wath again?  Ye wad ken him fine; he wath in the Italian opery.  Aye,
+hith name was thignor--aye, his first name was thignor something.
+Dash't, I wath thorry for the puir chap.  Dash't, his very pianny
+wath p'inded!  Ay, its an' awfu' thing that drink!  By the by,
+thpeakin' aboot drink, I've left the auld man an' thartit a public
+hooth.  Aweel, thinks I, thith ith a fine chance to get thum letth'ns
+in thingin' on the cheap, theein' he wuth hard up; tho' when I wath
+therv'n' um wi' milk, thays I, 'What d'ye chairge for letth'ns in
+thingin'?'  Thays he, 'Fower guineaths for twelve letth'ns.'  'Oh,
+dash it,' thays I, 'thath's ower much for me,' an' I wath gaun awa'
+oot at th' door, an' of course he thocht he was gaun to loose a
+customer, so says he, 'What'll ye thtand us?'  Oh, he could thpeak
+English as weelth mysel'.  'I'll stand ye a shovrin,' I thays.  'Very
+weel,' thays he.  'Noo let me hear ye thing yer favourite thang, so
+that I can get the thtyle o' yere v'ice.  'So I starths him on 'Annie
+Laurie'--thath's my favrit yin, ye ken--an' here's the way ye gang at
+it"; and taking a big breath, and pointing to the middle of his vest,
+he explained, "They dae a' thing frae here nooadays," and started:
+"'Hey, Maxwelton braes are bonnie.'  Div ye see, accent on the 'max';
+then there was anither bit I wath gaun on the wrang style
+a'thegither--thath's the bit whaur it says, 'I wad lay me doon and
+dee.'  Hereth the way I was singin' 't, 'I wad lay-hay me do-hoon and
+a dee-he.'  'Stop a meenit,' this Italian chaps ays; 'stop wan
+meenit.  Wha the devil,' he thays, 'ever heard,' says he, 'o'
+onybody,' he says, "'Lay-hayin themsel's do-hoon an' dee-heein'."'
+An' it's dasht nonsense when ye come to think o't.  Then there was
+anither bit I was gaun on the wrang style a'thegither--thath's the
+bit that thays, 'Which ne'er forgot shall be'; an' this is the way ye
+gang at it: 'Which ne'er forgot shall be--and for bonnie.'  Div ye
+thee jist let ye're v'ice die away, an' fill yersel' up wi' wind, an'
+on to the next line.  'Noo,' thays he, 'when ye're gaun up the scale,
+tak' the broad Italian _a_; for inst'nce, when ye come to the tap
+notes, ye'll find ye're compress'n twa-thirds o' yer thrapple
+thegethir.'  An' the chap's quite richt.  I've seen me when I was at
+the Corn Exchange, when Wully Gladstone was there, hear Sir John
+Cowan o' Beeslack; an' thays he--a thpeakin' frae his thrapple; jist
+what the Italian chap was sayin'--'Gentlemen, electurth of
+Midlothian,' compressin' his thrapple.  Dash't, ye couldna' hear him
+back three sates; but when Wully Gladstone cam' to the front o' the
+pletform, what a difference--a' wind"; and as an example he repeated
+"Gentlemen electors" in a deep stentorian voice, contrasting with his
+high-pitched imitation of the chairman, as he remarked about
+Gladstone: "That's the very way he spoke.  I didna ken till I gaed up
+to this Italian that a' they thingers an' elocutionists an'
+ministers, an' a' they devils, they a' go in for this new-fashioned
+v'ice production."
+
+
+
+
+DAVID AND GOLIATH
+
+The moral of this story is, "Ne sutor ultra crepidam," or "The
+shoemaker should stick to his stool," or creepie, as it is in the
+Latin, and in this case it is illustrated by the result of a butcher
+trying to preach.
+
+Before the Forth Bridge was built--of course the incident happened a
+considerable time before the famous structure was erected; but
+previous to its means of transit, a steamer used to cross daily to
+the Fife shore, and on Thursday nights among the passengers there was
+a revival preacher; but one night, on account of a storm, the boat
+did not venture to cross, and the people of a Fife village were left
+without one to conduct the service.  After waiting some time, Tom
+Carmichael, the village butcher, was pressed to take the position of
+pastor.  Unfortunately, Tom had never previously spoken in public,
+and he had the further drawback of having an impediment in his
+speech, which was accentuated when, as in his present position, he
+was nervous through excitement.
+
+As the audience was principally composed of children, on account of
+the mental food supplied, Tom had the brilliant idea of adopting the
+thrilling story of David and Goliath, to show the boys what they
+might be able to achieve if they tried very hard, and proceeded after
+the following fashion: "I--I--I'm called on rather su-suddenly to
+address the meetin'--address the meetin'; hooever, I'll tell ye aboot
+David an' Goliath.  When David was a little boy, ye know--a little
+boy, jist like some o' yersel's, he was jist a wee bit chappie, a
+curly-heided callant; maby dozin' his peerie, his top, or playin' at
+bools in front o' his faither's door, on the ca-ca-causeway, on the
+pa-pavement, the plainstanes, when his fa-faither comes oot, cries
+'Dauvit,' or maby 'Davie'--'Here, I want ye to rin awa' ower to the
+battlefield wi' some denner to the laddies.'  An' of course Dauvit
+was quite pleased to gang, ye ken, bicus he had twa brithers in the
+militia, an' he wad like to gang up to hear the band playin'.  So he
+gaed awa'--gaed awa' to the battlefield, an' the chi-chi-children of
+Israel were a' there; the ch-ildren of Israel--an' their parents nae
+doot--an' they were a' brused frae fechtin'.  It was their
+denner-hour, an' they were a' afraid--no man would go oot an' meet
+the giant, this was Goliath of the Phillipstines.  He was a big man,
+a muckle man; he stood aboot eight feet six in his stockin' soles--in
+fact, a' the giants were big men in those days.  But David says to
+them, says he, 'What are ye a' feard for?' says he; 'I'll gang oot
+an' meet him.'  So they took him ower to Saul's tent an' put some
+airmour on; but David said, 'That'll no dae for me; tak' it off, tak'
+it off.'  So he gaed awa' doon to the burnside--no a big burn, nor a
+river, nor an ocean, but jist a common wee bit burnie brook; an' he
+pickit up some stanes, no big stanes, nor a lump o' rock, but jist a
+pebble, a ch-ch-uckie, an' he gaed awa' oot to meet this giant, this
+was Goliath o' the Phillictsines, a man aboot the height o'--a common
+haystack.  An' when Goliath saw the laddie, says he--stickin' his
+thumbs in his waistcoat sleeves, 'What are ye wantin' here?' says he.
+An' David says, 'I'll sune let ye see.'  An' Goliath says, 'Wull ye,
+my man; I'm thinkin' ye'll sune be goin' back in the ambulance
+waggon.'  But David never let on he heard him, but he just put a
+chuckie in the sling an' let him have it; struck him on his big fozie
+heid--on the brow, the temple, atween his een, abune the nose; an'
+Goliath cries oot: 'What are ye dain?  D'ye ken that's sair.'  Aye,
+he hadna time to cry a barly, he was fair dumbfoundered--sic a thing
+as a chuckie had never entered his heid before; but David jist felled
+him to the ground, an' syne up came the ch-ch-ildren of Israel,
+rinnin,' an' says they: 'What are ye dain' lyin' there, ye muckle
+sumph; can ye no' get up an' fecht the laddie?'   An', says Goliath:
+'Hoo can I get up an' fecht the laddie?  D'ye no' see I'm thrang
+deein'.'  But David jist ran awa' roond an' got oot his sword an'
+cutt it aff his heid--cuttit aff his heid, an' took it hame wi'
+him--took it hame wi' him, and--eh--there's a fine moral kickin'
+aboot here somewhere; I forget what it is, but if ye meet wi' ony big
+difficulty like Goliath o' the Phillipstines, jist act like little
+David, the wee boy."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76637 ***