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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75663 ***
+
+
+
+Transcriber’s Note:
+
+Words and phrases in italics are surrounded by underscores, _like
+this_. Mid-poem illustrations were moved to follow the related
+poem. Obvious printing errors, such as missing or partially printed
+letters and punctuation, were corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+                           PORRIDGE POETRY
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+                               PORRIDGE
+                                POETRY
+
+                          COOKED, ORNAMENTED
+                              AND SERVED
+                                UP BY
+                             HUGH LOFTING
+
+                             PUBLISHED BY
+                           F. A. STOKES Cᵒ
+                               NEW YORK]
+
+
+
+
+                        _Copyright, 1924, by_
+                     FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY
+
+                        _All rights reserved_
+
+
+              _Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+                           PORRIDGE POETRY
+
+
+
+
+                          THE PORRIDGE POET
+
+                Dear Children, I would have you know it:
+                That this is me, the Porridge Poet,
+                My inspiration’s in the ice-box;
+                My rhymes I pick out from the spice-box.
+
+                My verse is very free and easy,
+                Its flavour sometimes slightly cheesy;
+                But that, my friends, is no great crime in
+                The gentle art of kitchen rhymin’.
+
+                I’ve made delicious maccaronics
+                From peelings off spring philharmonics.
+                And as for comic songs or ballads,
+                I turn them out like summer salads.
+
+                ’Tis to the cook-book that I owe it,
+                My reputation as a poet.
+                And if you’ll watch my pot a minute
+                I’ll show you how I mix things in it.
+
+                Now take a pint of vermicelli
+                And pound it to a nice smooth jelly;
+                If necessary use a hammer.
+                Then add a pinch or two of grammar.
+
+                Shake in an ounce of sifted syntax
+                And half a teaspoonful of tin tacks,
+                Then flavour with eggstravaganza,
+                And there you have a lovely stanza!
+
+[Illustration: THE PORRIDGE POET]
+
+
+                            VERA VIRGINIA
+
+            Oh, what a popular person I am!
+            My full name is Vera Virginia Ham.
+            The barn-dance, the two-step, the sausage-roll trot,
+            The pig-jig, the hog-jog, I dance the whole lot.
+
+[Illustration: VERA VIRGINIA]
+
+
+                          THE LOLLIPOPINJAY
+
+                On lollipops I live. I’m gay;
+                I leap and swirl, I spin and sway.
+                Come join me in the dance, I pray!
+                Let’s go!--Slap-bang!--Hip, hip, hooray!
+
+                For I’m the lollipopinjay.
+                I loll by night, I dance all day.
+                I jump, I crouch and pop away
+                Skip! Hop!--Tip-top!--Hip, hip, hooray!
+
+[Illustration: THE LOLLIPOPINJAY]
+
+
+                       LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES
+
+                    ’Twas in the tropic latitudes
+                    That we were talking platitudes,
+                    Just sailor-like chit-chatitudes,
+                      As any ship-mates might.
+
+                    We forgot to take our longitude
+                    (Which was a grievous wrongitude)
+                    So we didn’t reach Hong-kongitude
+                      Till very late that night.
+
+[Illustration: LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES]
+
+
+                      THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG
+
+                    “Are you the kind of insect, Sir,
+                    “My mother calls digestible?”
+                    Enquired the little fledgeling of
+                    The Sweet Potato Bug.
+
+                    “I’m nothing of the kind, my friend.
+                    “My taste is just detestable--
+                    “And so is yours--Such impudence!”
+                    He answered with a shrug.
+
+[Illustration: THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG]
+
+
+                                PICNIC
+
+                            Ella, fell a
+                            Maple tree.
+                            Hilda, build a
+                            Fire for me.
+
+                            Teresa, squeeze a
+                            Lemon, so.
+                            Amanda, hand a
+                            Plate to Flo.
+
+                            Nora, pour a
+                            Cup of tea.
+                            Fancy, Nancy,
+                            What a spree!
+
+[Illustration: PICNIC]
+
+
+                        SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG
+
+            Scally Wag and Golly Wog
+            Took their bag aboard a log
+                And started off to cross the ocean blue.
+            They’re still at sea, I have no doubt,
+            For all they do is fight about
+                Which shall be the Captain, which the crew.
+
+[Illustration: SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG]
+
+
+                           THE PALM FAMILY
+
+                    Nearby an African lagoon
+                    Beneath the silent yellow moon
+                    All safe from worries and alarms
+                    There dwelt a family of palms.
+
+                    It was a peaceful life they led
+                    Mr. and Mrs. and little Fred;
+                    And when the wind blew soft and low
+                    They’d whisper tales of long ago.
+
+[Illustration: THE PALM FAMILY]
+
+
+                         THE FOOD-HYMN OF THE
+                             COOK-GOBLINS
+
+                Down where the glow-worms faintly glitter,
+                Down where the fire-flies gleam and flitter,
+                Come listen to the sausage twitter,
+                    Sizz and crackle in the pan!
+                Tripe or truffles, fancy fishes,
+                It doesn’t matter what your wish is;
+                None prepare such luscious dishes
+                    As we, the gay Cook-goblins, can.
+
+[Illustration: THE COOK-GOBLINS]
+
+
+                            SCRUBBY CHUBBY
+
+    Such a scowling and a growling, howling yowling for a toy,
+    You grubby, snubby, tubby, chubby, scrubby little boy!
+
+[Illustration: SCRUBBY CHUBBY]
+
+
+                               OOM-PAH
+
+                Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!
+                Like roses soon our cheeks will bloom.
+                We only ask for elbow-room
+                Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!
+
+[Illustration: OOM-PAH]
+
+
+                             MISTER BEERS
+
+            This is Mister Beers:
+                And for forty-seven years
+            He’s been digging in his garden like a miner.
+                He isn’t planting seeds
+                Nor scratching up the weeds,
+            He’s trying to bore a tunnel down to China.
+
+[Illustration: MISTER BEERS]
+
+
+                    THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK
+
+                And who might this be, should you think?
+                Why, the pirate of the kitchen sink!
+                A dish-rag sail, a spoon for oar,
+                Could any captain wish for more?
+
+                Aboard his racing coffee-pot
+                He roams an ocean steaming hot.
+                No cup or saucer stays afloat
+                That dares to bump into his boat.
+
+[Illustration: THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK]
+
+
+                          THE MILLINERY BIRD
+
+                A friendly Arctic Puffin asked
+                The Millinery Bird,
+                “Aren’t the styles they’re wearing now
+                “A little bit absurd?”
+
+                “Oh well,” sarcastically said
+                The other with a snigger,
+                “That will depend, my squatty friend,
+                “_Entirely_ on your figure.”
+
+[Illustration: THE MILLINERY BIRD]
+
+
+                      MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE
+
+                    Said Mrs. Pringle to Mr. Parry,
+                    “Tell me why you never marry?”
+
+                    Said Mr. Parry to Mrs. Pringle,
+                    “Life is so much simpler single.”
+
+[Illustration: MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE]
+
+
+                              WEI HAI WO
+
+                    A sage there was long, long ago,
+                    A mandarin named Wei Hai Wo,
+                    And at his window all day long
+                    He sat and softly hummed this song
+                      “How silly, Lily, lackaday!
+                        “Deary daisy me!”
+
+                    Said young Sin Ching to Wei Hai Wo,
+                    “Please tell me why you sit there so?
+                    I never chance this way to come
+                    But that I always hear you hum,
+                      “How silly, Lily, lackaday!
+                        “Deary daisy me!”
+
+                    “Well listen, friend,” said Wei Hai Wo,
+                    “I love to watch the passing show,
+                    “I take things easy, good and bad.
+                    “Why should I rush through life like mad?
+                      “How silly, Lily, lackaday!
+                        “Deary, daisy me!”
+
+                    “If others wish to run about
+                    “Then let them. But let me look out.
+                    “I’ve found that peace, my good Sin Ching,
+                    “Is quite the most important thing.
+                    “You see now why I sit and sing,
+                      “How silly, Lily, lackaday!
+                        “Deary, daisy me!”
+
+[Illustration: WEI HAI WO]
+
+
+                         THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL
+
+                    Teaching school is not so easy,
+                    Be it big, or be it small,
+                    With a Spring term class made up of
+                    Vegetable scholars all.
+
+                    Make the turnips turn their toes out.
+                    See the pumpkins punctuate.
+                    Have the parsnips parse correctly.
+                    Let us, Lettuce, start at eight.
+
+                    Lima Bean’s been most provoking.
+                    Send him to the garden bed.
+                    Artful artichoke, I see you
+                    Beating beet upon the head.
+
+                    Spinach, spin your tops outside, please.
+                    Take two sevenths from a whole.
+                    Carrot, carry one and add, dear.
+                    Cauliflower, call the roll.
+
+[Illustration: THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL]
+
+
+                           THE WAFFLE-KITE
+
+            This is the Waffle-Kite
+            And oh, what an awful sight
+            He looks when he digs in the marsh with his beak.
+            Mud pies it’s fun to make
+            To set in the sun to bake
+            When you’ve got the right kind of face, so to speak.
+
+[Illustration: THE WAFFLE-KITE]
+
+
+                           CHRISTMAS DOUGH
+
+                For Christmas Day the Christmas dough
+                Is kneaded high and kneaded low.
+                Punch it thick and thump it thin,
+                Flatten it out with a rolling-pin.
+
+                In the kitchen’s lots of fun
+                When Christmas pie and Christmas bun
+                Are kneaded high and kneaded low
+                From lovely, squodgy, Christmas dough.
+
+[Illustration: CHRISTMAS DOUGH]
+
+
+                         LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE
+
+                Hey diddle, diddle,
+                I’m loose in the middle.
+                Why can’t I get on with myself?
+                It’s not my digestion--
+                That’s out of the question,
+                ’Cause I left it at home on the shelf.
+
+[Illustration: LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE]
+
+
+                            THE BOTTICELLO
+
+                In Florence Signor Quaverello
+                Would play the four-string botticello
+                Every single Sunday night, ’tis said.
+
+                Until his wife upstairs would bellow
+                “You noisy, good-for-nothing fellow!
+                      “Hello!
+                      “Quaverello!
+                “Put that thing away and come to bed!”
+
+[Illustration: THE BOTTICELLO]
+
+
+                          THE TOFFEE ANALYST
+
+                    “Oh, I’m the Toffee Analyst
+                    So learned and sophisticky;
+                    I’m making out a candy list,
+                    It’s going to be statisticky.”
+
+[Illustration: THE TOFFEE ANALYST]
+
+
+                      UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT
+
+                Long ago the Brothers Wright
+                  Were men of odd but great renown,
+                As different as day and night,
+                  The neighbors called them Up and Down.
+
+                Now Up Wright was devout and lean,
+                  Proper, virtuous and prim.
+                Whenever he felt low or mean
+                  He merely sighed or sang a hymn.
+
+                A queerer pair was never made;
+                  For Down Wright, short and thick,
+                Who always called a spade a spade,
+                  Loved to argue, fight and kick.
+
+                Yet through the ups and downs of life
+                  Through thick and thin, through good and ill,
+                In spite of all their constant strife
+                  The brothers lived together still.
+
+[Illustration: UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT]
+
+
+                 THE LEGEND OF THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL
+
+        Once there was a herring gull
+        Who found the ocean very dull
+        Said he, “I’m always sea-sick on the silly rolling sea.
+
+        “I’ll go ashore and settle down
+        In some peaceful country town
+        And wear my carpet-slippers when I drink my china tea.”
+
+[Illustration: THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL]
+
+
+                        JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET
+
+                Here’s little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
+                Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.
+                He has more understanding
+                Since reaching the landing.
+                Just look at the hole where he struck it!
+
+[Illustration: JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET]
+
+
+                            CLIPPETY CLOP!
+
+                Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!
+                A pretty pernickety barber’s shop!
+                Walk up! Walk in and have a shave,
+                A dry shampoo--a marcel wave,
+                Your whiskers trimmed in any style.
+                Come in, sit down and stay a while.
+                Soon the barber chimpanzees
+                Will bow and smile and say, “Next please!
+                “We’re always busy--never stop.
+                “Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!”
+
+[Illustration: CLIPPETY CLOP!]
+
+
+                       PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE
+
+                “Oh won’t you be my Valentine
+                “This wintertime, sweet Turpentine?”
+
+                “How can I be, Petroleum?
+                “I’m promised to Linoleum.”
+
+[Illustration: PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE]
+
+
+                     THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON
+
+                    The Milky Way was made for you,
+                    The Honey-Moon for me.
+                    If we could only mix the two
+                    How happy we should be!
+
+                    With a milk-and-honey honeymoon,
+                    You see, my charming wife,
+                    We’d only need a table-spoon
+                    And we’d be fixed for life.
+
+[Illustration: THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON]
+
+
+                              GIBBERISH
+
+                    Sing a song of gibberish,
+                      For this is rhyming day;
+                    Hasty pudding, stirabout,
+                      A goulash roundelay.
+
+                    Sing a junket rigmarole,
+                      A shindig jamboree,
+                      Catalogues or doggerels,
+                    They’re all the same to me.
+
+[Illustration: GIBBERISH]
+
+
+                          MRS. VAN DER HOOK
+
+                    There was a little lady and
+                      her name was Mrs. Van der Hook.
+                    She lived upon the main street of
+                      the town of Amsterdam.
+                    And when the neighbors told her it
+                      was very rude to stand and look,
+                    All she ever answered was,
+                      “Well that’s the way I am.”
+
+[Illustration: MRS. VAN DER HOOK]
+
+
+                          THE RAT AND GUITAR
+
+                You’ve heard of the Cat and the Fiddle,
+                  Well, I am the Rat and Guitar.
+                    I play by the moon
+                  Such a beautiful toon
+                The Cat goes on sleeping--Ha! Ha!
+
+[Illustration: THE RAT AND THE GUITAR]
+
+
+                         BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
+
+                Betwixt and Between were two betwins,
+                Their father’s name was Twoddle.
+                They’ve been alike as a pair of pins
+                Since they could scarcely toddle.
+
+[Illustration: BETWIXT AND BETWEEN]
+
+
+                         THE KITCHEN KALENDAR
+
+                        Pastry and Bun day
+                        Ought to be Monday.
+                        Then Irish Stews-day
+                        Falls on a Tuesday.
+
+                        Dine-out-with-friends day,
+                        Let’s make that Wednesday.
+                        Next, Apple-pie day
+                        Should always be Friday.
+
+                        Sausage-in-batter day,
+                        Put that down Saturday.
+                        But what about Sunday?
+                        Oh, take a rest one day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                         THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE
+
+                      The Household Drudge
+                      Was making fudge
+                    In a great big china basin.
+                      Alas! Alack!
+                      She turned her back
+                    And the poodle dipped his face in!
+
+[Illustration: THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE]
+
+
+                       GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA
+
+          Good morning Cornucopia!
+          Your face looks even soapier
+        Than when I met you walking yesterday.
+
+          I know it, dear Symposium,
+          My complexion got so rosium
+        I covered it with lather and I left it there to stay.
+
+[Illustration: GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA]
+
+
+                         GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW
+
+                Gimcrack and Gewgaw
+                Were riding a see-saw
+                And Gewgaw was up in the air.
+                There popped up a rabbit,
+                And Gim ran to grab it.
+                Said Gew, “Oh, that’s not playing fair!”
+
+[Illustration: GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW]
+
+
+                            LULU GUBRIOUS
+
+    Said Auntie Macassar to Miss Lulu Gubrious
+    “Isn’t the weather just simply salubrious?”
+    “Why, no,” answered Lulu, “I think it’s monotonous.
+    “Just think if the rain should have gone and forgotten us!”
+
+[Illustration: LULU GUBRIOUS]
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75663 ***