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diff --git a/old/ygdsf10.txt b/old/ygdsf10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b1bded6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ygdsf10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10110 @@ +******The Project Gutenberg Etext of A Young Girl's Diary****** +Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Benedictine University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +purchased from Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + + + +A Young Girl's Diary +Prefaced with a Letter by +Sigmund Freud +Translated by +Eden and Cedar Paul + + +CONTENTS + +FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12 +SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13 +THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14 +LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2 +CONCLUSION + + + +PREFACE + + +THE best preface to this journal written by a young +girl belonging to the upper middle class is a letter +by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, 1915, a letter +wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist +testifies to the permanent value of the document: + + +"This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has +anything been written enabling us to see so clearly +into the soul of a young girl, belonging to our social +and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal +development. We are shown how the sentiments pass +from the simple egoism of childhood to attain maturity; +how the relationships to parents and other members +of the family first shape themselves, and how +they gradually become more serious and more intimate; +how friendships are formed and broken. We +are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards its +first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery +of the sexual life first presses itself vaguely on +the attention, and then takes entire possession of the +growing intelligence, so that the child suffers under +the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes +enabled to shoulder the burden. Of all these things +we have a description at once so charming, so serious, +and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of supreme +interest to educationists and psychologists. + +"It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the +diary. All students of my own writings will be grateful +to you." + +In preparing these pages for the press, the editor +has toned down nothing, has added nothing, and has +suppressed nothing. The only alterations she has +made have been such as were essential to conceal the +identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned +in the document. Consequently, surnames, Christian +names, and names of places, have been changed. +These modifications have enabled the original author +of the diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal +of serious readers. + +No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults +in grammar and other inelegancies of style. For the +most part, these must not be regarded as the expression +of a child's incapacity for the control of language. +Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of +affective trends, as errors in functioning brought +about by the influence of the Unconscious. + +THE EDITOR. +VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919. + + + + +FIRST YEAR +AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE + + +FIRST YEAR + + +July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. +We both agreed that when we went to the high school +we would write a diary every day. Dora keeps a +diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call +Helene "Hella," and she calls me "Rita;" Helene and +Grete are so vulgar. Dora has taken to calling herself +"Thea," but I go on calling her "Dora." She says +that little children (she means me and Hella) ought +not to keep a diary. She says they will write such a +lot of nonsense. No more than in hers and Lizzi's. + +July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing +until after the holidays, but since we are both going +away, we are beginning now. Then we shall know +what we have been doing in the holidays. + +The day before yesterday we had an entrance +examination, it was very easy, in dictation I made +only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The mistress +said that didn't matter, I had only made a slip. That +is quite true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has +an _h_ in it. We were both dressed in white with rose- +coloured ribbons, and everyone believed we were +sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to +have a cousin. But it's still nicer to have a friend, +for we can tell one another everything. + +July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because +of her Hella and I are really sorry that we are not +going to a middle school. Then every day before +lessons began we could have had a talk with her in +the class-room. But we're awfully pleased because +of the other girls. One is more important when one +goes to the high school instead of only to the middle +school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. +"They are bursting with pride" (that's what my +sister says of me and Hella, but it is not true). "Our +two students" said the mistress when we came away. +She told us to write to her from the country. I shall. + +July 15th. Lizzi, Hella's sister, is not so horrid +as Dora, she is always so nice! To-day she gave +each of us at least ten chocolate-creams. It's true +Hella often says to me: "You don't know her, what +a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very +nice to me." Certainly it is very funny the way in +which she always speaks of us as "the little ones" +or "the children," as if she had never been a child +herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. +Besides we're just the same as she is now. She is in +the fourth class and we are in the first. + +To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. +I'm frightfully excited. Hella went away to-day to +Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother and +Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. + +July 19th. It's awfully hard to write every day +in the holidays. Everything is so new and one has +no time to write. We are living in a big house in +the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight +off for her own writing. At the back of the house +there are such swarms of horrid little flies; everything +is black with flies. I do hate flies and such +things. I'm not going to put up with being driven +out of the front veranda. I won't have it. Besides, +Father said: "Don't quarrel, children!" (_Children_ +to _her_ too! !) He's quite right. She puts on such +airs because she'll be fourteen in October. "The +verandas are common property," said Father. +Father's always so just. He never lets Dora lord +it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of +Dora. I'm writing to Hella to-day. She's not written +to me yet. + +July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and +such a jolly letter. I don't know what I should do +without her! Perhaps she will come here in August +or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I +would rather go to stay with her. I like paying long +visits. Father said: "We'll see," and that means +he'll let me go. When Father and Mother say We'll +see it really means Yes; but they won't say "yes" +so that if it does not come off one can't say that they +haven't kept their word. Father really lets me do +anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice +my piano regularly perhaps she'll let me go. I must +go for a walk. + +July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must +write every day, for one must keep a promise and we +swore to write every day. I. . . . + +July 23rd. It's awful. One has no time. Yesterday +when I wanted to write the room had to be cleaned +and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had not +written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all +my pages blew away. We write on loose pages. Hella +thinks it's better because then one does not have to +tear anything out. But we have promised one another +to throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. +Why should we? One can tell a friend everything. +A pretty friend if one couldn't. Yesterday when I +wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me +savagely, saying What do you want? As if the +arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted to bag +the front veranda all for herself. She's too sickening. + +Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. +It was lovely. Father was awfully jolly and we +pelted one another with pine-cones. It was jolly. +I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. +She let out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn't +feel it _there_. As she went by she said Pig! It doesn't +matter, for I know she understood me and that what +I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes +about every day to Erika and what she writes +in her diary. Mother was out of sorts and stayed at +home. + +July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. +Father says: You children have Sundays every day. +That's quite true in the holidays, but not at other +times. The peasants and their wives and children +are all very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like +those I have seen in the theatre. We are wearing +our white dresses to-day, and I have made a great +cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because +I sat down upon some fallen cherries. So this afternoon +when we go out walking I must wear my pink +dress. All the better, for I don't care to be dressed +exactly the same as Dora. I don't see why everyone +should know that we are sisters. Let people think we +are cousins. She does not like it either; I wish I +knew why. + +Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully +pleased. He is older than Dora, but I can always get +on with him. Hella writes that she finds it dull without +me; so do I. + +July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. +She is staying at Achensee. I should like to see her. +Every afternoon we bathe and then go for a walk. +But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. +I forgot to bring my paint-box and I'm not allowed +to read all day. Mother says, if you gobble all your +books up now you'll have nothing left to read. That's +quite true, but I can't even go and swing. + +Afternoon. I must write some more. I've had a +frightful row with Dora. She says I've been fiddling +with her things. It's all because she's so untidy. +As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she +left her letter to Erika lying about on the table, and +all I read was: He's as handsome as a Greek god. +I don't know who "he" was for she came in at that +moment. It's probably Krail Rudi, with whom she +is everlastingly playing tennis and carries on like +anything. As for handsome--well, there's no accounting +for tastes. + +July 26th. It's a good thing I brought my dolls' +portmanteau. Mother said: You'll be glad to have +it on rainy days. Of course I'm much too old to play +with dolls, but even though I'm 11 I can make dolls' +clothes still. One learns something while one is doing +it, and when I've finished something I do enjoy it so. +Mother cut me out some things and I was tacking +them together. Then Dora came into the room and +said Hullo, the child is sewing things for her dolls. +What cheek, as if she had never played with dolls. +Besides, I don't really play with dolls any longer. +When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously +that I made a great scratch on her hand, and said: +Oh, I'm so sorry, but you came too close. I hope +she'll know why I really did it. Of course she'll +go and sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has +she to call me child. She's got a fine red scratch anyhow, +and on her right hand where everyone can see. + +July 27th. There's such a lot of fruit here. I +eat raspberries and gooseberries all day and Mother +says that is why I have no appetite for dinner. But +Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But +why should it be unwholesome all at once? Hella +always says that when one likes anything awfully +much one is always scolded about it until one gets +perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper +with her mother, and then her mother says: We +make such sacrifices for our children and they reward +us with ingratitude. I should like to know what +sacrifices they make. I think it's the children who +make the sacrifices. When I want to eat gooseberries +and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_ not +_Mother's_. I've written all this to Hella. Fraulein +Pruckl has written to me. The address on her letter +to me was splendid, "Fraulein Grete Lainer, +Lyzealschulerin." Of course Dora had to know better than +anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from +the fourth upwards (because she is in the fourth) +they write "Lyzeistin." She said: "Anyhow, in the +holidays, before a girl has attended the first class +she's not a Lyzealschulerin at all." Then Father +chipped in, saying that _we_ (_I_ didn't begin it) really +must stop this eternal wrangling; he really could +not stand it. He's quite right, but what he said +won't do any good, for Dora will go on just the same. +Fraulein Pruckl wrote that she was _delighted_ that I +had written. As soon as I have time she wants me +to write to her again. Great Scott, I've always time +for _her_. I shall write to her again this evening after +supper, so as not to keep her waiting. + +July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. +The Warths have arrived, and I had to spend the +whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it rained +all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot +of round games and we played for sweets. I won +47, and I gave five of them to Dora. Robert is already +more than a head taller than we are, I mean than +Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein +Grete and carried my cloak which Mother sent me because +of the rain and he saw me home after supper. + +To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been +invited and Mother has made strawberry cream and +waffles. How spiffing. + +July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave +me a splendid parasol with a flowered border and +painting materials and Mother gave me a huge postcard +album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, +and Dora gave me a beautiful box of notepaper and +Mother had made a chocolate-cream cake for dinner +to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first +thing in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday +cards. And Robert had written on his: With +deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious to have +a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald +sent me a wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon +and the blade shoots out of its mouth instead of flame; +or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one can't be quite +sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father +says I was born under a lucky star. That suits me +all right, tip top. + +July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed +till our sides ached over Consequences. I was always +being coupled with Robert and oh the things we did +together, not really of course but only in writing: +kissed, hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; +but I say, I wouldn't do _that!_ quarrelled. That +won't happen, it's quite impossible! Then we drank +my health clinking glasses five times and Robert +wanted to drink it in wine but Dora said that would +never do! The real trouble was this. She always +gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me +and yesterday I was certainly first fiddle. + +Now I must write a word about to-day. We've +had a splendid time. We were in Tiefengraben with +the Warths where there are such a lot of wild strawberries. +Robert picked all the best of them for me, +to the great annoyance of Dora who had to pick +them for herself. Really I would rather pick them for +myself, but when some one else picks them for one +for _love_ (that's what Robert said) then one is quite +glad to have them picked for one. Besides, I did +pick some myself and gave most of them to Father +and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we +had in Flischberg I had to sit beside Erna instead +of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother says she is +_anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I +don't quite know what it means. Dora is always +saying that she is anemic, but of course that is not +true. And Father always says "Don't talk such stuff, +you're as fit as a fiddle." That puts her in such a +wax. Last year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor +said, she was always having palpitation and had to +take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that's where +Dora got the idea. + +August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because +I wrote and told her that I had spent the whole day +with the W's. Still, she is really my only friend or +I should not have written and told her. Every year +in the country she has another friend too, but that +doesn't put me out. I can't understand why she +doesn't like Robert; she doesn't know anything about +him except what I have written and certainly that +was nothing but good. Of course she does know him +for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she met him once +there. But one does not get to know a person from +seeing them once. Anyhow she does not know him +the way I do. Yesterday I was with the Warths +all day. We played Place for the King and Robert +caught me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna +said, that doesn't count, for I had let myself be caught. +But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a perfect +nuisance, she spoils everyone's pleasure. He's quite +right, but there's some one else just as bad. But I +do hope Erna has not told Dora about the kiss. If +she has everyone will know and I shouldn't like that. +I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt +Dora sent us. Robert and Liesel and I ate the rest. +They were so good and nearly all large ones. At +first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but +I said he must only have a big one. After that he +always picked out the big ones. When I came home +in the evening with the empty box Father laughed +and said: There's nothing mean about our Gretel. +Besides, Mother still has a great box full; I have no +idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I expect so. + +August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at +5. He's a great swell now; he's begun to grow a +moustache. In the evening Father took him to the +hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it +would be an awful bore, but he will certainly make +a good impression especially in his new tourist getup +and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa +sent love to all. I've never seen them. They have +sent a lot of cakes and sweets and Oswald grumbled +no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is +always smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: +Come along old chap, we'll go to the inn and have a +drink on the strength of your good report. It seems +to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything +when Dora and I have a good report, at most they +give us a present. Oswald has only Twos and Threes +and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satis- +factory, but I have nothing but Ones. He said something +to Father in Latin and Father laughed heartily +and said something I could not understand. I don't +think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or +English. Father knows nearly all languages, even +Czech, but thank goodness he doesn't talk them unless +he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station +when Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, +Mother says so too. When Robert pretends to speak +Czech it's screamingly funny. + +August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day +so now I am not allowed to bathe for a few days. +Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and +he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high +that I positively yell. To-day he made me really +angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular noodle. I +said, that's not true, boys can never stand one another. +Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I +like Oswald much better than Dora who always says +"the children" when she is talking of me and of Hella +and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as +big a goose as Erna. He's quite right there. Robert +says he is never going to smoke, that it is so vulgar, +that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about +Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he +will never grow a beard but will shave every day and +his wife will have to put everything straight to him. +But a beard suits Father and I can't imagine him +without a beard. I know I won't marry a man without +a beard. + +August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every +day. When we set off yesterday, Robert and I and +Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after us: +The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the +phrase from Oswald. I think it means in a hundred +years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she likes, we +shan't. Mother scolded her like anything and said +she mustn't say such stupid things. A good job too; +in spee, in spee. Now we always talk of her as Inspee, +but no one knows who we mean. + +August 6th. Hella can't come here, for she is going +to Klausenburg with her mother to stay with her +other uncle who is district judge there or whatever +they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I +think of a district judge I think of District Judge T., +such a hideous man. What a nose and his wife is so +lovely; but her parents forced her into the marriage. +I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, +I would much sooner not marry at all, besides she's +awfully unhappy. + +August 7th. There has been such a fearful row +about Dora. Oswald told Father that she flirted +so at the tennis court and he could not stand it. +Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn't +play tennis any more. What upset her more than +anything was that Father said in front of me: This +little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make +love to her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen +and she couldn't eat anything at supper because she +had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her headaches. +But I really can't see why I shouldn't go and +play tennis. + +August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn't the +student's fault at all but only Dora's. I can quite +believe that when I think of that time on the Southern +Railway. Still, they won't let me play tennis any +more, though I begged and begged Mother to ask +Father to let me. She said it would do no good for +Father was very angry and I mustn't spend whole +days with the Warths any more. Whole days! I +should like to know when I was a whole day there. +When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner +at least. What have I got to do with Dora's love +affairs? It's really too absurd. But grown-ups are +always like that. When one person has done anything +the others have to pay for it too. + +August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis +once more; I begged and begged until Father let me +go. Dora declares that nothing will induce her to ask! +That's the old story of the fox and the grapes. She +has been playing the invalid lately, won't bathe, and +stays at home when she can instead of going for +walks. I should like to know what's the matter with +her. What I can't make out is why Father lets her +do it. As for Mother, she always spoils Dora; Dora +is Mother's favourite, especially when Oswald is not +on hand. I can understand her making a favourite +of Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says +that parents have no favourites, but treat all their +children alike. That's true enough as far as Father +is concerned, although Dora declares that Father +makes a favourite of me; but that's only her fancy. +At Christmas and other times we always get the same +sort of presents, and that's the real test. Rosa Plank +always gets at least three times as much as the rest +of the family, that's what it is to be a favourite. + +August 12th. I can't write every day for I spend +most of my time with the Warths. Oswald can't +stand Robert, he says he is a cad and a greenhorn. +What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven't +spoken to Oswald except when I really had to. When +I told Erna and Liesel about it, they said that brothers +were always rude to their sisters. I said, I should +like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very +nice to his sisters. They said, Yes before you, because +he's on his best behaviour with you. Yesterday we +laughed like anything when he told us what fun the +boys make of their masters. That story about the +cigarette ends was screamingly funny. They have a +society called T. Au. M., that is in Latin Be Silent +or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the +society's secrets, and when they make a new member +he has to strip off all his clothes and lie down naked +and every one spits on his chest and rubs it and says: +Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go +to the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three +cuts with a cane and he has to swear that he will +never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes a cigar +and touches him with the lighted end on the arm +or somewhere and says: Every act of treachery will +burn you like that. And then the eldest, who has +a special name which I can't remember, tattoos on +him the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a +heart with the name of a girl. Robert says that if +he had known me sooner he would have chosen +"Gretchen." I asked him what name he had tattooed +on him, but he said he was not allowed to tell. I +shall tell Oswald to look when they are bathing and +to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters +frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks +to play on them is elected to the Rohon; to be a +Rohon is a great distinction and the others must always +carry out his orders. He said there was a lot +more which he couldn't tell me because it's too +tremendous. Then I had to swear that I would never +tell anyone about the society and he wanted me to take +the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn't do that and +he nearly forced me to my knees. In the end I had +to give him my hand on it and a kiss. I didn't mind +giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing +would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an +awful fright, for we were quite alone in the garden +and he took me by the throat and tried to force me +to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me +when we were quite alone for he said: I can't have +your name tattooed on me because it's against our +laws to have two names but now that you have sworn +I can let you know what I really am and think in +secret. + +I couldn't sleep all night for I kept on dreaming +of the society, wondering whether there are such +societies in the high school and whether Dora is in +a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it +would be horrible to have to strip naked before all +one's schoolfellows. Perhaps in the societies of the +high-school girls that part is left out. But I shouldn't +like to say for sure whether I'd have Robert's name +tattooed on me. + +August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there +are some schoolboy societies where they do very improper +things, but that never happened in their society. +But he didn't say what. I said, the stripping naked +seems to me awful; but he said, Oh, that's nothing, +that must happen if we're to trust one another, it's +all right as long as there's nothing improper. I wish +I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows +about it, and whether he is in such a society or in +a proper one and whether Father was in one. If I +could only find out. But I can't ask, for if I did +I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always +presses my left wrist without letting anyone see. He +said that is the warning to me to be silent. But he +needn't do that really, for I never would betray him +whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind +you to me. When he says that his eyes grow dark, +quite black, although his eyes are really grey and they +get very large. Especially in the evening when we +say goodbye, it frightens me. I'm always dreaming +of him. + +August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations +in honour of the emperor's birthday. We didn't +get home until half past twelve. At first we went +to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. +They fired salutes from the hills and there were beacons +flaring on the hill-tops; it was rather creepy although +it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once or +twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something +would happen or why it was. Then R. came and +talked such a lot. He is set on going into the army. +For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning +now is of no use to him. He says that doesn't +matter, that knowledge will give him a great pull. I +don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald says so to +make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite +away from the others and so we sat on a bench to wait +for them. Then I asked R. once more about the other +societies, the ones in which they do such improper +things. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would +not rob me of my innocence. I thought that very +stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn't know himself +and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, +was that anyone who joined the society was tickled +until he couldn't stand it any longer. And once one +of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightful +convulsions and they were afraid that everything would +come out. And since then in their society no more +tickling had been allowed. Shall I tickle you a little? +I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow you +daren't. + +He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me +and tickled me under the arm. It made me want to +laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there were still +lots of people going by. So he gave that up and +tickled my hand. I liked it at first, but then I got +angry and dragged my hand away. Just then Inspee +went by with two other girls and directly they had +passed us we followed close behind as if we had been +walking like that all the time. It saved me a wigging +from Mother, for she always wants us all to keep together. +As we went along R. said: Look out, Gretel, +I'm going to tickle you some day until you scream.-- +How absurd, I won't have it, it takes two to do that. + +By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 +turtledoves and a bag of sweets and R. won a knife, fork +and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. Inspee +won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror +which makes one look a perfect fright. A good job +too, for she fancies herself such a lot. + +August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has +happened. I have lost pages 30 to 34 from my diary. +I must have left them in the garden, or else on the +Louisenhohe. It's positively fiendish. If anyone was +to find them. And I don't know exactly what there +was on those pages. I was born to ill luck. If I +hadn't promised Hella to write my diary every day +I should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if +Mother were to get hold of it, or even Father. And +it's raining so fearfully to-day that I can't even go +into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above +all not alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, +for I didn't write anything yesterday or the +day before. It would be dreadful if anyone were to +find it. I am so much upset that I couldn't eat anything +at dinner, although we had my favourite +chocolate cream cake. And I'm so unhappy for Father +was quite anxious and Mother too and they both +asked what was the matter with me and I nearly +burst out crying before everyone. We had dinner in +the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away for 2 +days. But I couldn't cry in the room before Father +and Mother for that would have given the show away. +My only hope is that no one will recognise my writing, +for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary, +first of all so that no one may recognise our writing +and secondly because upright writing doesn't use up +so much paper as ordinary writing. I do hope it +will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the garden +very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day +so that I didn't even get cross when Inspee said: +"Have you been quarrelling with your future husband?" + +August 30th. It's not in the garden. I begged +Mother to let us go to Louisenhutte this afternoon. +Mother was awfully nice and asked what I was so +worried about, and whether anything had happened. +Then I couldn't keep it in any longer and burst out +crying. Mother said I must have lost something, +and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought +it was Hella's letter, the one which came on Tuesday, +so I said: No, much worse than that, my diary. +Mother said: Oh well, that's not such a terrible loss, +and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, +for there are all sorts of things written in it about +R. and his society. Look here, Gretel, said Mother, +I don't like this way you talk about R.; I really don't +like you to spend all your time with the Warths; +they're really not our sort and R. is not a fit +companion for you; now that you are going to the high +school you are not a little girl any longer. Promise +me that you'll not be eternally with the Warths.--All +right, Mother, I will break it off gradually so that +nobody will notice. She burst out laughing and kissed +me on both cheeks and promised me to say nothing +to Inspee about the diary for she needn't know everything. +Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and +perhaps the pages are still there. + +Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter +I found 2 pages all pulped by the rain and the writing +all run and one page was in the footpath quite torn. +Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of +his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and +partly burned. So no one had read anything. I am +so happy. And at supper Father said: I say, why +are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won +the big prize in the lottery? and I pressed Mother's +foot with mine to remind her not to give me away +and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems +to me there's a conspiracy against me in my own +house. And I said in a great hurry: Luckily we're +not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone +laughed and now thank goodness it's all over. Live +and learn. I won't let that happen again. + +August 31st. Really I'm not so much with the W's +and with R. I think he's offended. This afternoon, +when I went there to tea, he seized me by the wrist +and said: Your father is right, you're a witch. "You +need a castigation." How rude of him. Besides, I +didn't know what castigation meant. I asked Father +and he told me and asked where I had picked up the +word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard +one of them use it. What I really thought was that +castigation meant tickling. But it is really horrid to +have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone +already and we have only a week longer. About that +castigation business. I don't like fibbing to Father, +but I really had to. I couldn't say that R. wanted to +give me a castigation when I didn't know what it +meant. Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I +always love catching her in a lie for her lies are so +obvious. I'm never caught. It only happened once +when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father +noticed that time, for he said: You little rogue, you +tarradiddler! + +September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. +I shall never speak to R. again. Oswald is quite +right in calling him a cad. If I had really fallen out +of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before +we have to start from home. I can't make out how +it all happened. It was frightful cheek of him to +tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a kick. I +think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he +actually dared to say: After all I'm well paid out, +for what can one expect when one keeps company +with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine +talk from him when he's not 14 himself yet. It was +all humbug about his being 15 and he seems to be +one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything +but Satisfactory in his reports, and he's not in the +fifth yet, but only in the fourth. Anyhow, we've +settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall never +tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope +my last secret from Hella. + +September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. +The last few days have been awfully dull. I saw +R. once or twice but I always looked the other way. +Father asked what was wrong between me and the +Warths and R., so that our great friendship had been +broken off. Of course I had to fib, for it was absolutely +_impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found +fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading +aloud. (That's quite true, he did that once) and +Father said: Well, well, you'll make it up when you +say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. +I'll never speak a word to him again. + +For her birthday, although it's not come yet, Dora +is to have a navy blue silk dustcloak. I don't think +the colour suits her, and anyhow she's much too thin +to wear a dustcloak. + +September 14th. Hella came back the day before +yesterday. She looks splendid and she says I do +too. I'm so glad that she's back. After all I told her +about R. She was very angry and said I ought to +have given him 2 more; one for the tickling and +one for the "baby" and one for the "young monkey." +If we should happen to meet him, shan't we just glare +at him. + +September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk +dustcloak but I think the tartan hood looks rather +silly. Still, I didn't say so, but only that the cloak +fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five +times already. I don't know whether Father really +wants to treat her as a grown-up lady or whether +he is making fun of her. I believe he's only making +fun. She doesn't really look like a grown-up lady. +How could she when she's not 14 yet? Yesterday +afternoon such a lot of girls were invited, and of +course Hella was invited on my account and we had +a grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully +about the country where they _said_ they had been. We +were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I care about. + +September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the +way, we have agreed to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High +School] and not School. I'm frightfully curious. + +September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella +came to fetch me and we went along together. Inspee +peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in front +of her. We don't want her as governess. There +are 34 of us in the class. Our teachers are a Frau +Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and I think a +drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches +German and writing. She put us together on the +3rd bench. Then she made a speech, then she told +us what books to get, but we are not to buy them +till Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 +short. The long one is for games, the short ones +to go out. I usen't to go out at the elementary school +and now I don't need to. Mother always says that +it's only a bad habit. Most of the girls went out, +and even asked to leave the room during lesson time. +To-day we hadn't any proper lessons. They are to +begin to-morrow, but we don't know what. Then +we came home. + +September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who +teaches geography and history, she has no degree. +Inspee says that she had her last year, but she could +not stand her, she's so ugly. Father was angry and +said to Inspee: You silly goose, don't fill her head +with such stuff. Show what you are worth as elder +sister. One can learn something from every mistress +and every master if one likes. But I can't say, we're +really fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don't much +care for geography and history. Besides I'm not +learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. Mallburg +is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write +Frau Dr. M. for short. When she laughs she has +two dimples and a gold stopping. She is new at the +school. I don't know if we are to have singing too. +In French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully +dressed, black lace. Hella has a lovely pen and +pencil case; it's quite soft, we must have it soft so +that it shan't make a row when it falls down during +lesson time. I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, +I don't know exactly. To-day lessons went on until +12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion for +Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited +for me, for the Herr Pastor did not come. + +September 24th. We thought the book shops would +be open to-day but we were wrong. Hella's mother +said, that's what happens when the chicks think +themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon +Hella came to our house and Inspee had been invited +by the Fs. I don't go there, for it's so dull, they +play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my +lessons. My music lessons will begin when the school +time-table has been fixed up. Perhaps on October 1st, +then I must write to Frau B., she told me to write +myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would +rather have had Hella's music mistress. But she +has no time to spare and I think she charges more. +At least she wouldn't always be holding me up +"Fraulein Dora" as a model. We are not all so +musical as Fraulein Dora. In the evening Inspee +was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock +and she simply howled over it. She said she had +not, but I heard her and she could hardly speak. +She says she had a cold, liar. + +September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors' +time-table, but it won't work until the professors +from the Gymnasium know exactly when they can +come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a +Gymnasium, but since there is only one here she +teaches in our school. To-morrow we are going to +have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We +may write 8 or 10 sentences at home before we come, +but we must not look at what we have written in +class. I've written mine already. But I've not said +anything about Robert. He's not worth thinking +about anyhow. I did not even tell Hella everything. + +September 25th. We had the viva voce composition +and Frau Doktor said, very good, what is your name? +Grete Lainer I said and she said: And is that your +chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent +her holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau +Doktor said again, very good. Then the bell rang. +In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge with +us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the +little intervals we were quite alone for the staff has +such a lot to do drawing up the time-table. A pupil- +teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She +sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as +Frau Doktor. + +September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel +for the first time in natural history. He wears eye- +glasses and never looks any of us in the face. And +in French Madame A. said that my accent was the +best. We've got an awful lot on and I don't know +whether I shall be able to write every day. The +younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel +and the Weinmann girl said Nikel. + +September 30th. I've had simply no time to write. +Hella hasn't written anything since the 24th. But +I must write to-day for I met Robert in Schottengasse. +Good morning, Miss, you needn't be so stuck +up, he said as he went by. And when I turned round +he had already passed, or I would have given him a +piece of my mind. I must go to supper + +October 1st. I can't write, Oswald has come from +S., he has sprained his ankle, but I'm not so sure +because he can get about. He is awfully pale and +doesn't say a word about the pain. + +October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor's +birthday. Yesterday Resi told me something horrid. +Oswald can't go back to S. He has been up to something, +I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the +closet. He always stays there such a long time, I +noticed that when I was in the country. Or perhaps +it may have been something in his society. Inspee +pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn't +true, for she doesn't know any more than I do. +Father is furious and Mother's eyes are all red with +crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could +only find out what he's done. Father was shouting +at him yesterday and both Dora and I heard what he +said: You young scamp (then there was something +we couldn't understand) and then he said, you attend +to your school books and leave the girls and the +married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. And Dora +said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell +me, he is my brother as well as yours. But she said: +"You wouldn't understand. It's not suitable for such +young ears." Fancy that, it's suitable for her ears, +but not mine though she's not quite three years older +than I am, but because she no longer wears a short +skirt she gives herself the airs of a grown-up _lady_. +Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of +jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can't +speak. Whenever I see her do this, I make a point +of speaking to her so that she has to answer. She +does get in such a wax. + +October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That's +how babies come. And _that_ is what Robert really +meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply won't marry. +For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully +and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know +it in time. But I wish I knew exactly how, Hella +says she doesn't know exactly herself. But perhaps +her cousin who knows everything about it will tell +her. It lasts nine months till the baby comes and +then a lot of women die. It's horrible. Hella has +known it for a long time but she didn't like to tell me. +A girl told her last summer in the country. She +wanted to talk about it to Lizzi her sister, really she +only wanted to ask if it was all true and Lizzi ran +off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said +And her mother said; "These children are awful, +a corrupt generation, don't you dare to repeat it to +any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance," and +she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help +it! That is why she didn't write to me for such a +long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now she can +tell me all about it and we won't betray one another. +And that deceitful cat Inspee has known all about +it for ages and has never told me. But I don't understand +why that time at the swing Robert said: You +little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. +Perhaps Hella knows. When I go to the gymnastic +lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first and ask her +about it. My goodness how curious I am to know. + +October 10th. I'm in a great funk, I missed my +gymnastic lesson yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella's +and without meaning it I was so late I did not dare +to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her +that we would say that our sum was so difficult that +we had not got it finished in time. Luckily we really +had a sum to do. But I said nothing about it at +home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr +S's. I thought that I knew all about it but only now +has Hella really told me everything. It's a horrible +business this . . . I really can't write it. She +says that of course Inspee has it already, had it +when I wrote that Inspee wouldn't bathe, did not +want to bathe; really she had it. Whatever happens +one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of +blood_ says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . +That's why in the country Inspee always switched +off the light before she was quite undressed, so that +I couldn't see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins +at 14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says +that Berta Franke in our class knows all about it. +In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do you +know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, +of course I've known it for a long time. Berta waited +for her after class when the Catholics were having +their religion lesson and they went home together. +I remember quite well that I was very angry, for +they're not chums. On Tuesday Berta came with +us, for Hella had sent her a note in class saying that +I knew _everything_ and she needn't bother about me. +Inspee suspects something, she's always spying about +and sneering, perhaps she thinks that she's the only +person who ought to know anything. + +October 16th. To-morrow is Father's and Dora's +birthday. Every year it annoys me that Dora should +have her birthday on the same day as Father; What +annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about +it, for, as Father always says, it's a mere chance. +Besides, I don't think he really likes it. Everyone +wants to have their own birthday on their own day, +not to share it with someone else. And it's always +nasty to be stuck up about a thing like that. Besides, +it's not going to be a real birthday because of the +row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had +to stay away from the office for 2 days because he +had to go to G. to see about Oswald going there. + +October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I +had expected. All the Bruckners came, so of course +there was not much said about Oswald only that he +has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that +that's not true) and that he is probably going to G. +Colonel B. said: The best thing for a boy is to send +him to a military academy, that keeps him in order. +In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot +what Hella's father said, for you can be expelled +from a military academy just as easily as from the +Gymnasium. That's what happened to Edgar Groller. +Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: +Ah, so you have been expelled, and we believed you +had sprained your ankle. Then he got in an awful +wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I've gone +and blabbed it all now, and he went away slamming +the door, for Mother wasn't there + +October 19th. If we could only find out what +Oswald really did. It must have been something +with a girl. But we can't think what Father meant +about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman +complained of him to the head master or to the school +committee and that's how it all came out. I feel +awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have +felt myself if everything had come out about Robert +and me. Of course I don't care now. But in the +summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly +says a word, except that he has talks with Mother +sometimes. He always pretends that he wants to +read, but it's absurd, for with such a love trouble +one can't really read. I have not told Berta Franke +all about it, but only that my brother has had an +unhappy love affair and that is why he is back in +Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin +of hers shot himself because of her. They said in the +newspapers that it was because of an actress, but +really it was because of her. She is 14 already. + +October 20th. We spend most of our time now +with Berta Franke. She says she has had a tremendous +lot of experience, but she can't tell us yet because +we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. +Perhaps she is afraid we shall give her away. She +wants to marry when she is 16 at latest. That's in +2 years. Of course she won't have finished school +by then, but she will have left the third class. She +has three admirers, but she has not yet made up her +mind which to choose. Hella says I mustn't believe +all this, that the story about the three admirers at +once is certainly a cram. + +October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one +is dark under the eyes one has it and that when one +gets a baby then one doesn't have it any more until +one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, +but I didn't really believe what she said, for I thought +she did not know herself exactly. Then she got very +cross and said: "All right, I won't tell you any more. +If I don't know myself." But I can't believe what +she said about husband and wife. She said it must +happen every night, for if not they don't have a +baby; if they miss a single night they don't have a +baby. That's why they have their beds so close +together. People call them _marriage beds!!!_ And +it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly bear it. +But one has to for a husband can make his wife do +it. I should like to know how he can make her. +But I didn't dare to ask for I was afraid she would +think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, +but very seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, +she is an awfully nice girl, perhaps Mother will let +me invite her here next Sunday. + +October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. +Mother cried such a lot. When Oswald was leaving +I whispered to him: I know what's the matter with +you. But he did not understand me for he said: +Silly duffer. Perhaps he only said that because of +Father who was looking on with a fearful scowl. + +October 27th. Everything seems to have gone +wrong. Yesterday I got unsatisfactory in history, and +in arithmetic to-day I couldn't get a single sum right. +I'm frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic +lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the +money to-morrow, for if she goes herself she will +certainly find out about it. + +October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present +at our French lesson and said awfully nice things +about me. She said I was good enough in French +to be in the Third and then she asked me whether +I was as good in the other subjects. I didn't want +to say either Yes or No, and all the other girls said +Yes, she's good at everything. The head patted me +on the shoulder and said: I'm glad to hear that. +When she had gone I cried like anything and Madame +Arnau asked: Why, what's the matter? and the other +girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but +she can really do her sums awfully well. Then +Madame said: "You'll soon wipe off that Unsatisfactory." + +October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother +with Fraulein Vischer in the history lesson. Yesterday +when I got into the tram with Mother there was +Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother +shouldn't see her and so that she should not tell +Mother about me. When she came in to-day she said: +Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what +she meant and said "I did bow to you in the tram +but you didn't see me." "That's a fine thing to do, +first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by +telling a lie. Sit down!" I felt awful for all the +girls looked at me. In the 11 interval Berta Franke +said to me: Don't worry, she's got her knife into you +and will always find something to complain of. She +must have spoken to Frau Doktor M., for in the German +lesson the subject for viva voce composition was +Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me again. +She didn't say anything more. She's a perfect angel, +my darling E. M., her name is Elisabeth; but she +does not keep her name-day because she's a Protestant; +that's an awful shame because November 19th is coming +soon. + +October 31st. I've been so lucky. Nothing's come +out about the gymnastic lesson though Mother was +there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day I +got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and +she said: Why, L. what was the matter with you +in your sums the other day, for you're so good at +arithmetic? I didn't know what to do so I said: +Oh I had such a headache the other day. Then Berta +Franke nearly burst out laughing, it was horrid of +her; I don't think she's quite to be trusted; I think +she's rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she +said she had laughed because "headache" means +something quite different. + +November 1st. To-day we began to work at the +tablecloth for Father's Christmas present. Of course +Inspee bagged the right side because that's easier to +work at and I had to take the left side and then one +has the whole caboodle on one's hand. For Mother +I'm making an embroidered leather book cover, +embroidered with silk and with a painted design; I +can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H.'s +lesson, she's awfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor +M. best of all. I'm _not_ going to invite Berta Franke +because of the way she laughed yesterday, and besides +Mother doesn't like having strange girls to the house. +November 2nd. I don't know all about things yet. +Hella knows a lot more. We said we were going +to go over our natural history lesson together and we +went in to the drawing-room, and there she told me a +lot more. Then Mali, our new servant, came in, +and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a hospital +because she's ill. Mali told us that all the Jews +when they are quite little have to go through a very +dangerous operation; it hurts frightfully and that's +why they are so cruel. It's done so that they can have +more children; but only little boys, not little girls. +It's horrid, and I should not like to marry a Jew. +Then we asked Mali whether it is true that it hurts +so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can't be +so bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn't find +everyone doing it. Then Hella asked her: But have +you done it already, you haven't got a husband? She +said: Go on, Miss! One mustn't ask such questions +it's not ladylike. We were in an awful funk, and +begged her not to tell Mother. She promised not to. + +November 5th. Everything has come out through +that stupid waist band. Yesterday when I was tidying +my drawers Mali came in to make the beds and +saw my fringed waistband. "I say, she said, that is +pretty!" You can have it if you like, I said, for +I've given up wearing it. At dinner yesterday I +noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I +blushed all over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, +did you give Mali that waistband? Yes, I said, she +asked me for it. She came in at that moment to clear +away and said: "No, I never asked for it, Fraulein +Grete gave it to me herself." I don't know what +happened after that, I'd gone back to my room when +Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction +one gets out of one's children. Mali has told me the +sort of things you and Hella talk about. I ran +straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali: How +could you tell such tales of us? It was you who +chipped in when we were talking. It was frightfully +mean of you. In the evening _she_ must needs go and +complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything +and said: You're a fine lot, you children, I +must say. You are not to see so much of Hella now, +do you understand? + +November 6th. A fine thing this, that I'm a silly +fool now. When I gave Hella a nudge so that she +should not go on talking before Mali, she laughed +and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about +it, probably a great deal more than we do. It was +only after that that Mali told us about the Jews. +Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now +that I know what I am, a silly fool. And that's what +one's best friend calls one! + +November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. +We walk together, but we only talk of everyday +things, school and lessons, nothing else. We went +skating to-day for the first time and we shall go +whenever we have time, which is not very often. +Mother is working at the table cloth. It's very hard +work but she has not got as much to do as we have. + +November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady +skating to-day, and she skates so beautifully, inside +and outside edge and figures of 8. I skated along +behind her. When she went to the cloak room there +was such a lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to +be married soon and whether _she_ knows all about +everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back the +hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as +pretty as she is. But I am dark and she is fair. I +wish I could find out her name and where she lives. +I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons +in the evening. + +November 9th. I'm so upset; _she_ didn't come to +skate. I'm afraid she may be ill. + +November 10th. She didn't come to-day either. I +waited two hours, but it was no good. + +November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh +how pretty she is. + +November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was +standing near the entrance gate and suddenly I heard +some one laughing behind me and I knew directly: +That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: +Shall we skate together? Please, if I may, said I, +and we went off together crossing arms. My heart +was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, +but couldn't think of anything sensible to say. When +we came back to the entrance a gentleman stood there +and took off his hat and she bowed, and she said to +me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow? +Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only +perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were to-morrow already. + +November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is +Anastasia Klastoschek. I'm sure it can't be true that +she has such a name, she might be called Eugenie or +Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why +are there such horrid names? Fancy if she is really +called that. Klastoschek, too, a Czech name, and she +is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26 already; +26, absurd, she's 18 at most. I'm sure she's +not so much as 18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, +and that she doesn't think her particularly pretty. Of +course that's rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one pretty +except herself. + +November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, +her name really is Anastasia Klastoschek and she +lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman didn't know +how old she is. She would not tell me at first but +asked why I wanted to know and who had sent me +to enquire. She wouldn't look into the book until +I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted +to know. Then she looked, for I knew the number +of the cloak room locker: 36, a lovely number, I like +it so much. I don't really know why, but when I +hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a +squirrel jumping about in the wood. + +November 20th. It's really impossible to write +every day. Mother is ill in bed and the doctor comes +every day, but I don't really know what's the matter +with her. I'm not sure whether the doctor knows +exactly. When Mother is ill everything at home is +so uncomfortable and she always says: Whatever +you do don't get ill, for it's such a nuisance. But +I don't mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, +for then everyone's so nice, when Father comes home +he comes and sits by my bed and even _Dora_ is rather +nice and does things for me; that is she _has_ to. +Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did +everything I could for her, she nearly died, her +temperature went up to 107 and Mother was sick with +crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when +a man cries. When there was all that row about +Oswald he cried, I think Father had given him a +box on the ear. He said he hadn't but I think he +had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn't. +After all, why shouldn't he for he's not really grown +up yet. I cry myself when I get frightfully annoyed. +Still I shouldn't cry for a box on the ear. + +November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel +Schrotter who is the Herr Catechist's favourite, no +we've got to call him Herr Professor, as she is the +Herr Professor's favourite, well she went to him with +the Bible and asked him what _with child_ meant. +That's what they say of Mary in the Bible. The +Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the +other girls egged her on till she went and asked. The +Herr Professor got quite red and said: If you don't +know yet it does not matter. We shall come to that +later, we're still in the Old Testament. I was so +glad that Hella does not sit next me in the religion +lesson, because she's a Protestant; we should certainly +have both burst out laughing. Some of the girls +giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to +Lisel: You're a good girl, don't bother about the +others. But Lisel positively howled. I would not +have asked, even if I hadn't really known. _With +child_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn't mean anything +really; only if one knows. + +November 22nd. When I was coming away from +the religion lesson with Berta Franke the other day, +of course we began talking about _it_. She says that's +why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could +not believe that people marry only for _that_. Lots +of people marry and then have no children. That's +all right said Berta, but it's quite true what I tell +you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can't +write it all down. It is too horrid, but I shan't forget. +When I was sitting on Mother's bed to-day I suddenly +realised that Father's bed is really quite close to +Mother's. I had never thought about it before. But +it's not really necessary now for we are all quite big. +Still I suppose they've just left things as they were. +Well dear, said Mother, what are you looking round +so for? Of course I didn't let on, but said: I was +only looking round and thinking that if your bed was +where the washstand is you could see to read better +when you are lying in bed. That would not do because +the wall's all wrong said Mother. I said nothing +more and she didn't either. I like much better +to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, because I like to +snuggle up against the back. I'm so glad Mother +didn't notice anything. One has to be so frightfully +careful not to give oneself away when one knows +everything. + +November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely +story; it is called _A True Heart_ and is about a girl +whose betrothed has had to leave her because he has +shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains +true to him till he comes back after 10 years +and then they marry. It's simply splendid and +frightfully sad at first. I do love these library books, +but when we were at the elementary school I knew +all the books they had and the mistress never knew +what to give me and Hella. In the high school we +get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor +says we have plenty of work to do, and that when +we are not at work we ought to be out in the fresh +air. I can't manage to go skating every day. I do +love the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for +I hate her real name. Inspee declares that they call +her Stasi for short, but I don't believe that; most +likely they call her Anna, but that's so common. +Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at +school I'm known as Rita. It's only at home that +they will call me Gretl. The other day I said to +Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must +call me Rita; and anyhow I won't let you call me +Gretl, that's what they call a little girl or a peasant +girl. She said: I don't care tuppence what _you_ call +me. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end +of time. + +November 27th. Father has been made Appeal +Court Judge. He is awfully glad and so is Mother. +The news came yesterday evening. Now he can +become President of the Supreme Court, not directly, +but in a few years. We shall probably move to a +larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother that +she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she +would not be _disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs +her, I suppose I do? Much more like she disturbs +me, always watching while I'm writing my diary. +Hella always says: "There really ought not to be +any elder sisters; she's jolly well right. It's a pity +we can't alter things. Mother says we are really too +big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don't see why one +should ever be too big for that. Last year Inspee +got something from St. Nicholas when she was 13 +and I'm not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and +sweets and dates and that sort of thing, not proper +presents. The girls want to give the Frau Doktor +a great Krampus[1] to leave it on her desk. I think +that's silly. It's not a proper present for a teacher +one is really fond of, one doesn't want to waste sweets +on a teacher one doesn't like, and to give an empty +Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and +a Krampus is only suitable for children. + + +[1] Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves +St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children +An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present +on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas +season.--Translators' Note. + + +December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff +a Krampus, each of us is to subscribe a crown, I hope +Father will give me the crown extra. Perhaps he'll +give us more pocket money now, at least another +crown, that would be splendid. We are going to give +big Krampuses to the ones we like best, and: small +ones to those we are not so fond of. We're afraid to +give one to Professor J. But if he doesn't get one +perhaps he'll be offended. + +December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses +for the staff. The one for Frau Doktor M. is the +finest. When you open it the first thing you see is +little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales +written on the backs, and then underneath these +are the sweets. That's exactly suited for her, for the +Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in +German they are reading these poets. Last month in +the Fourth they had a Schiller festival and Frau Doktor +made a splendid speech and some of the girls +gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an +awful poem by Schiller. There you can read: if +only I could catch her in the bath, she would cry for +mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a +man. And then in another place: "To my mate +in God's likeness I can show _that_ which is the source +of life." But you can only find that in the _large_ +editions of Schiller. I believe we've got some books +of that sort in our bookcase, for when Inspee was +rummaging there the other day Mother called from +the next room: "Dora, what are you hunting for +in the bookcase? I can tell you where it is." And +she said: Oh, it's nothing, I was just looking for +something, and shut the door quickly. + +December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have +made such a muddle about the Krampuses for the +staff. The money didn't come out right and Keller +said that Markus had taken some but Markus said +not taken only kept. Of course Markus complained +to Frau Doktor and her father went to the head +and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite +well that collections are not allowed and that we +must not give any one a Krampus. Now Keller has +the five Krampuses and we don't know what to do +about it. Mother says that sort of thing never turns +out well but always ends in a quarrel. + +December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella +and I and Edith Bergler have taken the Krampus +which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on +her doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for +she comes by there every day on her way to school. +I wonder if she'll guess where the Krampus comes +from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such +a nice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful +because she wears spectacles. But now I'm quite +certain she is not deceitful, so one sees how easy it +is to make a mistake. To-morrow's our German +lesson. + +December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything +at first. Then she gave out the subject for the essay: +"Why once I could not go to sleep at night." The +girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said: +Now girls that's not so very difficult. One person +cannot go to sleep because he's just going to be ill, +another because he is excited by joy or fear. Another +has an uneasy conscience because he has done something +which he has been forbidden to do; have not +all of you experienced something of the kind? Then +she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler and us +two. She did not say anything more, so we don't +really know if she suspects. I couldn't go to the ice +carnival yesterday because I had such a bad cough, +and Dora couldn't go either because she had a headache; +I don't know whether it was a real headache +or _that kind_ of headache; but I expect it was that kind. + +December 17th. I haven't managed to write anything +for a whole week. The day before yesterday +we had our Christmas reports: In history I had +satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything +else very good. In diligence because of that stupid +Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very angry; he +says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That's true +enough, but if one has satisfactory in anything then +one can't get a 1 for diligence. Inspee of course had +only 1's, except a 2 in English. But then she's a +frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, +but we can't any of us bear her, she's so frantically +conceited and Berta Franke says she's _not to be +trusted_. Berta walks to school with her cousin who's +in the seventh; she's nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. +She didn't say what sort of a report she had, but I +believe it was a very bad one. + +December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because +she found a little chicken in her egg, not really +a chicken yet, but one could make out the wings and +the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. +Still, I really can't see what there was to faint about. +Afterwards she said it had made her feel quite creepy. +And she'll never be able to eat another egg. At first +Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but +then he laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! +She had to go and lie down at once and I stayed +downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our +room she was reading, that is I saw the light through +the crack in the door; but when I opened the door it +was all dark and when I asked: Ah so you're still +reading she didn't answer and she pretended to wake +up when I switched on the light and said: What's the +matter? I can't stand such humbug so I said: Shut +up, you know quite well it's 9 o-clock. That's all. +On our way to school to-day we didn't Speak a word +to one another. Luckily after awhile we met a girl +belonging to her class. + +December 19th. I'm frightfully excited to know +what I'm going to get for Christmas. What I've +wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, and +velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates +because mine are always working loose, _German_ sagas, +not Greek; no thank you, hair ribbons, openwork +stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one Hella +got for a birthday present. But Father says that +our Christ Child would find that rather too expensive. +Inspee wants a corset. But I don't think she'll get +one because it's unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father +is finished and is being trimmed, but Mother's book +cover is not quite ready yet. I'm giving Dora a +little manicure case. Oh, and I'd nearly forgotten +what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in +which to keep my diary. Dora wants some openwork +stockings too and three books. A frightful thing +happened to me the other day. I left one of the +pages of my diary lying about or lost one somehow +or other. When I came home Inspee said: "you've +lost _this_, haven't you? School notes I suppose?" +I didn't notice what it was for a moment, but then +I saw by the look of it and said: Yes, those are school +notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not exactly that are +they? You can thank your stars that I've not shown +them to Mother. Besides people who can't spell yet +really ought not to keep diaries. It's not suitable for +children. I was in a wax. In the closet I took a +squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was +only _wenn_ with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ +with short _ss's_, that's all. I was jolly glad that there +was nothing about _her_ on the page. She'd under- +lined the _n_ and the short _ss's_ with red, just as if she +was a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would +be to have a book with a lock to it, which one could +alway keep locked, then no one could read any of it +and underline one's mistakes in red. I often write +so fast that it's easy to make a slip now and again. +As if she never made a mistake. The whole thing +made me furious. But I can't say anything about it +because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but +no, if I say nothing at all then she always gets more +waxy than ever. If I were to say much about it +Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in the +country and I'd rather not thank you. + +December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She's +going to stay with us for a time till Mother is quite +well again. I didn't remember her at all, for I was +only four or five when she went away from Vienna. +You dear little black beetle she said to me and gave +me a kiss. I didn't like the _black_ much, but Hella +says that suits me, that it's _piquant_. _Piquant_ is +what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, +Father says she is a beauty, and she's dark like me. +But I'd rather be fair, fair with brown eyes or better +still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a beauty? Oh +I do hope I shall! + +December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to- +morrow. I wonder what I shall get? Now I must go +and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said: Hullo, +is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She's never +done it before! I should like to know why not. But +Aunt Dora took my side. "Of course she'll help +decorate too; but please don't stuff yourselves with +sweets." "If Dora doesn't eat anything I shan't +either," said I promptly. + +Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. +The holidays are from the 23rd to January 2nd. It's +glorious. I shall be able to go skating every day. +Of course I had no time to-day and shan't have to-- +morrow. I wonder whether I should send the Gold +Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had a prettier +name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All +Czech names are so ugly. Father knows a Count +Wilczek, but a still worse name is Schafgotsch. +Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called +Schafgotsch or Wilczek even if he were a count and +a millionaire. Yesterday we paid our respects to the +staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor because +she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody +wanted to go to Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say +Nikel, for when he has respects paid to him he always +says: "Aw ri'." But it would have been rude +to leave him out and so the monitors had to go. When +Christmas was drawing near Frau Doktor told us +that we were none of us to give presents to the staff. +"I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, +for if you do not there will only be trouble. You +remember what happened on St. Nicholas' day. And +you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, +nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one's +doorstep." As she said this she looked hard at me +and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left the Krampus. +I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Hurrah, +to-morrow is Christmas Eve!!! + +December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. +One does not know what to be at. I'm not allowed +to go skating so the best thing is to write. Oswald +came home yesterday. Everyone says he's looking +splendid; I think he's awfully pale and he snorted +when everyone said he had such a fine colour; of +course, how can he look well when he has such a +_heartache_. I wish I could tell him that I understand +what he feels, but he's too proud to accept sympathy +from me. He has wished for an army revolver for +Christmas, but I don't think he'll get one for boys at +the middle school are not allowed to have any firearms. +Not long ago at a Gymnasium in Galicia one +of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said +it was because the boy was getting on badly with his +work, but really it was about a girl, although the +master was 36 years old. This morg. I was in town +with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli +and . . . Robert. Oswald said that Elli was quite +nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly beast. Besides, +he can't stand him he said, because he glared +at me so. If only he knew what happened in the +summer! I was awfully condescending to Robert and +that made him furious. If one could only save you +girls from all the troubles which the world calls +"Love," said Oswald on the way home. I was just +going to say "I know that you're unhappy in love +and I can feel for you," when Inspee came round +the corner of the Bognergasse with her chum and 2 +officers were following them, so none of them saw us. +"Great Scott, Frieda's full-fledged now," said Oswald, +"she's a little tart." I can't stand that sort of vulgarity +so I did not say another word all the way home. He +noticed and said to Mother: "Gretl's mouth has been +frozen up from envy." That's all. But it was really +disgusting of him and now I know what line to take. + +Just a moment for a word or two. The whole +Christmas Eve has gone to pot. A commissionaire +came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. +I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one +of those 2 officers? Of course Inspee says she has +not the ghost of an idea. What surprises me is that +Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: +I say, what a lark! But Father was down on him +like anything, "You hold your jaw and think of your +own beastly conduct." I didn't envy him; I don't +think much of Dora's looks myself, but apparently she +pleases _someone_. In the bouquet there was a poem +and Dora got hold of it quickly before Father had +seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: +One for whom you have made Christmas beautiful! +The heading is: "The Magic Season." I think +Dora's splendid not to give herself away; even to me +she declares she does not know who sent it; but of +course that may be all humbug. I think it really comes +from young Perathoner, with whom she's always +skating. + +December 28th. I've had absolutely no time to +write. I got everything I wanted. Aunt Dora gave +both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in a plush +case. We are going to all the school performances, +Father's arranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the +performances during the school year 19-- to 19--. +I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will come too. +I do hope I shall sit next to her. + +December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through +all I have written, but I could not manage it but in +the new year I really must write every day. + +January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences +at least. For the afternoon we had been invited to +the Rydberg's the Warths were there and Edle von +Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel +but I would not say a word to R. They left before +us, and then Heddy asked me what was wrong between +me and R. He had said of me: Any one can +have the _black goose for me_. Then he said that any +one could take me in. I was so stupid that I would +believe anything. I can't think what he meant, for +he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would +not let _him_ spoil new year's day for me. But Hella +is quite right for if the first person one meets on +January 1st is a common person that's a bad beginning. +The first thing this morning when I went out I met +our old postman who's always so grumpy if he's kept +waiting at the door. I looked the other way directly +and across the street a fine young gentleman was passing, +but it was no good for the common postman had +really been the first. + +January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn't go skating +any more because Inspee has begun to complain +again of her silly old ears and Mother imagines that +she got her earache last year skating. It's all right +to keep _her_ at home; but why shouldn't _I_ go? How +can _I_ help it when _she_ gets a chill so easily? In most +things Father is justice itself, but I really can't understand +him this time. It's simply absurd, only it's too +miserable to call it absurd. I'm in a perfect fury. +Still, I don't say anything. + +February 12th. I have not written for a whole +month, I've been working so hard. To-day we got +our reports. Although I've been working so frightfully +hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau +Doktor M. made a splendid speech and said: As +you sow, so you shall reap. But that's not always true. +In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but +I got a 1, and in History I only did not know my +lesson once and I got Satisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein +V. does not like me because of that time when I +did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, +when Mother asked about me, she said: "She +does not really put her back into her work." I overheard +Father say: After all she's only a kid, but to- +day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. +He might have known why she gave me that. Dora, +_so she says_, has only ones, but she has not shown me +the report. I don't believe what I don't see. And +Mother never gives her away to me. + +February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald +has an Unsatisfactory in Greek. Greek is really no +use; for no one uses Greek, except the people who +live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he +is going to be a judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora +learns Latin; but not for me thank you. Hella's report +is not particularly good and her father was in a +_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better +report than any one else. She does not bother much +and says: One can't have everything. But if she +doesn't get nothing but ones in the summer term she +is not to stay at the high school and will have to go +to the middle school. That'll make her sit up. +Father's awfully funny too: What have you got history +books for, if you don't read them? Yesterday +when I was reading my album of stories, Father came +in and said: You like a story book better than a +history book, and shut the book up and took it away +from me. I was in such a temper that I went to bed +at 7 o'clock without any supper. + +February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She +spoke to me and asked why I did not come skating +any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the 24th +was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe +it, a year ago my _sister_ had an earache, and _for that +reason_ they won't allow _either_ of us to skate this year. +She laughed like anything and said so exquisitely: +Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly +ravishing: A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with +fur, sable I believe, and a huge brown beaver hat with +crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and +mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always +going about with her. Next autumn, when we +get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur trimmed +red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. +Hella and Lizzi are never dressed alike. + +March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta +Franker she's utterly false. I've such a frightful +headache because I cried all through the lesson. She +wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A +_Verhaltnis_[2] means something quite different. Just +at that moment the mistress looked across and said: +To whom were you nodding? She said: To Lainer. +Because she laughed at the word "Verhaltnis." It was +not true. I had not thought about the word at all. +It wasn't till I had read the note that it occurred to +Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After the lesson +Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers' room +and told Frau Doktor M. that Franke and I had +laughed at the use of the word "Verhaltnis." Frau +Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did +you not just do your sums? Fraulein St. said: You +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, young girls in the +first class shouldn't know anything about such things. +I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German +lesson Frau Doktor M. told us to write an essay on +the proverb: Pure the heart and true the word, clear +the brow and free the eye, these are our safeguards, +or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it +for me, for I was crying all through the lesson. + + +[2] The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson +means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in +Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.--Translators' Note. + + +March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk +things out with us; but Hella and I told her we would +not speak to her again. We told her to remember +_what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it +all already. We shouldn't be such humbugs. It was +mean of her. Really we didn't know anything and +_she_ told us all about it. Hella has told me again and +again she wished we didn't know anything. She says +she's always afraid of giving herself away and that +she often thinks about that sort of thing when she +ought to be learning her lessons. So do I. And one +often dreams about such things at night when one +has been talking about them in the afternoon. Still, +it's better to know all about it. + +March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, +first of all our lessons take such a lot of time, +and second because I don't care about it any more +since what Father said the other day. The last time +I wrote was on Saturday afternoon, and Father came +in and said: Come along children, we'll go to Schonbrunn. +That will do you more good than scribbling +diaries which you only go and lose when you've written +them. So Mother told Father all about it in the +holidays. I couldn't have believed it of Mother for +I begged her to promise not to tell anyone. And she +said: One doesn't promise about a thing like that; +but I won't tell anyone. And now she must have told +about it, although she said she wouldn't. Even +Franke's deceitfulness was nothing to that for after +all we've only known her since last autumn, but I +could never have believed that Mother would do such +a thing. I told Hella when we were having tea at +the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust +her mother, she'd rather trust her father. But if that +had happened to _her_, her father would have boxed +her ears with the diary. I did not want to show anything, +but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a +little kiss. And she said, what's the matter, dear? has +anything happened? Then I could not keep it in +and I cried like anything and said: You've betrayed +me. And Mother said: "I?" Yes, you; you told +Father about the diary though you promised me you +wouldn't. At first Mother didn't remember anything +about it, but soon she remembered and said: "But, +little one, I tell Father everything. All you meant was +that Dora was not to know." That's quite true, it's +all right that Dora wasn't told; but still Father need +not have been told either. And Mother was awfully +sweet and nice and I didn't go to bed till 10 o'clock. +But whatever happens I shan't tell her anything again +and I don't care about the old diary any more. Hella +says: Don't be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; +but another time I should be careful not to lose +anything, and besides I should not blab everything to +Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her +mother anything since that time in the summer when +her mother gave her a box on the ear because that +other girl had told her all about everything. It's quite +true, Hella is right, I'm just a child still in the way +I run to Mother and tell her everything. And it's not +nice of Father to tease me about my diary; I suppose +he never kept one himself. + +March 27th. Hurrah we're going to Hainfeld for +Easter; I am so delighted. Mother has a friend there +whose husband is doctor there, so she has to live there +all the year round. Last year in the winter she and +Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were +bad. Ada is really nearly as old as Dora, but Dora +said, like her cheek: "Her intellectual level makes +her much more suitable company for you than for me." +Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They +have 2 boys, but I don't know them very well for they +are only 8 and 9. Mother's friend was in an asylum +once, for she went off her head when her 2 year old +baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have +been more than 2 years ago when Father and Mother +were always talking of poor Anna who had lost her +child within 3 days. And I believed she had really +lost it, and once I asked whether they had found it +yet. I thought it had been lost in the forest, because +there's such a great forest at Hainfeld. And since +then I can't bear to hear people say lost when they +mean dead, for it is so difficult to know which they +really mean. + +On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin +and we shall go on the 11th, on Maundy Thursday. + +April 6th. I don't know what to do about writing +my diary. I don't want to take it with me and as +for remembering everything and writing it down afterwards +I know quite well I should never do that. Hella +says I should only jot it down in outline, that's what +Frau Doktor M. always says, and write it out properly +after I come back from Hainfeld. That's what she +does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I've +never seen the sea. Hella says there's nothing so +wonderful about it. She's been there four times. +Anyway she does not think so much of it as most +people do. So it can't be anything so frightfully +grand. Rather stupid I dare say. + +April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a +darling but the two boys are awfully vulgar. Ernstl +said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the a---- +if you don't give me my pistol directly. Ada is as +tall as her mother. Their speech is rather countrified +Even the doctor's. He drinks a frightful lot of beer; +quarts I believe. + +April 14th. Father came to-day. He's awfully +fond of the doctor. They kissed one another. It did +make me laugh. In the morning we were in the forest; +but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but +a tremendous lot of hellebores quite red. + +April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. +We did not go into the church for Mother was afraid +that the smell of incense and boots would make Dora +feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon +we are going to Ramsau, it's lovely there. + +April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go +home to-morrow. At Whitsuntide Ada's mother is +going to bring her to be confirmed. They are all +coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the +bank of the Ramsau. It was awful. But the doctor +pulled me out and then we did all laugh so when we +saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily +I was able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should +have sunk right in. + +April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni +Islands. She is frightfully sunburned. I don't like +that, so I shall _never_ go to the _south_. Hella says that +if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one's honeymoon +in the south. That would not suit me, I should +just put off my marriage till the summer. + +Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish +priest makes a tremendous fuss because she's not +confirmed yet. Her mother is going to bring her to be +confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed +because Father and Mother don't want to be bothered +with it. Still I should like to be confirmed, for then +one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask for something +else at Christmas. + +April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful +just now. The school inspector is coming soon. It's +always very disagreeable. Mme A. says: The in- +spection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it's +horrid for the pupils too first of all because we get +blamed at the time and secondly because the staff +makes such a frightful row about it afterwards. Dora +says that a bad inspection can make one's report 2 +degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that +I have not yet written why Oswald did not come home +at Easter. _Although his reports were not at all good_, +he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma's at Pola, because +this year Richard comes home for the holidays for +the last time. After that he's going away for three +years in the steamship "Ozean" to the East or Turkey +or Persia, I don't quite know where. If Oswald likes +he can go into the Navy too in two years. + +May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first +of all in natural history, thank goodness I wasn't +in for it that time, and then in German; I was in +that, reading and in the table of contents of the +Wandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through +all right. + +May 14th. It's Mother's birthday to-day. We've +had simply no time to work anything for her, so we +got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed table, the +switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made +of brass. She was so pleased with it. Yesterday +Frau v. R. was here. She's a friend of Mother's and +of Hella's mother. I should like to have music lessons +from Frau v. R., she gives lessons since her husband +who was a major died though she is quite well off. + +May 15th. That must have been true about the +inspection; in the interval to-day Professor Igel- +Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, he +will go on coming all through the week and then we +shall be all right for this year. _We_, of course that +means the staff. But really the staff can't help it if +the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it's +all the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when +the inspection is over. The staff is always quite +different when the inspector is there, some are better, +some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel +quite ill with anxiety. + +May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger +came from Hainfeld with Ada and the two boys for +the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came +too and in the evening they all went home again. +Ada is very pretty, but she looks countrified. I'm +not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to wait +3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was +a very fine day. Dora did not come; only Mother +and I and Ada and her mother. The women who +were selling white favours all thought that I was one +of the candidates because I wore a white dress too. +Ada was rather put out about it. On Saturday we +were in town in the morning and afternoon because +Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday +morning we went to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon +they went home. The watch they gave to Ada was a +lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for +a locket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that +on Sunday she had a frightful headache. Because +she is not used to town noises. + +May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but +not everything. I told her a few things. In H. last +winter a girl drowned herself because she was going +to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her +mother told her a little, but not everything. Ada +once saw a bitch having her pups, but she didn't tell +her mother about it; she thought that her mother might +be very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog +belonged to their next door neighbour and she hap- +pened to see it in the out-house. Ada is expecting +_it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every +grown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will +have one as soon as she is 14; she knows who it will be. + +June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about +the confirmation and she wrote to me as well. It is +strange that she did not make friends with Dora but +with me. I think that Dora won't talk about _those_ +things, at least only with her friends in the high +school, especially with Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada +made friends with me, though I am 2 years younger. +She is really an awfully nice girl. + +June 19th. One thing after another goes missing +in our class, first it was Fleischer's galoshes, then my +new gloves, three times money was missing, and today +Fraulein Steiner's new vanity bag. There was a +great enquiry. But nothing was found out. We all +think it is Schmolka. But no one will tell. To-day +we could none of us attend to our lessons especially +when Sch. left the room at half past 11. + +June 20th. In our closet the school servant found +some beads on the floor but since she did not know +anything she threw them into the dustbin. Was it +really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is +frightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the +vanity bag for a birthday present and his photo was +in it. But I'm really sorry for Sch. Nobody will +speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She is +frightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. +Hella thinks too that perhaps she didn't do it, for she +is one of Frl. St.'s favourites and she is very fond of +her herself. She always carries the copybooks home +for her. + +June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when +the porter came to see what was the matter he found +the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. now; she +can't possibly use it any more. We giggled all through +lessons whenever we caught one another's eye and the +staff was in a frightful rage. Only Frau Doktor M. +said: "Now please get through with your laughing +over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have +done with it." + +June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. +Verbenowitsch was collecting the German copybooks +and when Sch. wanted to hand up her copybook she +said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won't +have anything to do with (then there was a long +pause) you. We were all apalled and Sch. went as +white as a sheet. At 10 o'clock she begged permission +to leave the room because she felt bad. I'm sure her +mother will come to speak about it to-morrow. + +June 24th. Sch.'s mother did not come after all. +Verbenowitsch said: Of course not! Sch. did not +come either. Hella says she couldn't stand anything +like that, she would rather drown herself. I don't +know, one wants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. +Still, I should tell Father so that he could speak about +it at school. Franke said: Yes, that's all very well, +because _you_ didn't do it; but _if_ one had done it one +would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, +Sch.'s father is an invalid, he's quite paralysed, has +been bedridden for two years and can't speak. + +June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with +Frau Doktor M. Really she always goes home alone +but Hella suddenly left me and went up to Frau +Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau +Doktor for bothering you in the street, we _must_ speak +to you. She got quite red. Then Frau Doktor said: +"What's the matter?" And Hella said: "Isn't it +possible to find out who took the vanity bag? If +it wasn't Sch. the way the other girls treat her will +make her quite ill, and if it was we can't stand having +her among us any longer." Hella was really splendid +and Frau Doktor M. made us tell her everything that +had happened, including about Verbenowitsch and +the copybooks; and we saw quite clearly she had tears +in her eyes and she said: "The poor child! Children +I promise I will do what I can for her." We both +kissed her hand and my heart beat furiously. And +Hella said: "You are an angel." I could never have +managed to say a thing like that. + +June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau +Doktor M. did not say anything. Hella and I kept +on looking at her and Hella cleared her throat three +times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing +your throat; it will only make your sore throat +worse: But it seemed to me her eyes twinkled as she +said it. So she hasn't forgotten. I wanted to speak +to Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the +Frau Doktor a chance. She's taken the matter in +hand. To-morrow before 9 we'll walk up and down +in front of her house till she comes out. + +June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and +to-day Frau Doktor's first lesson began at 11. But +she has already had a talk with Sch. only we don't +know when and where; certainly it was not in +the interval and she did not send for Sch. during +lessons. + +July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her +She _is_ such a dear. Children, she said, this is such +a painful matter, and it is difficult to find a way out. +Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she +did it or not these days are burning themselves into +her soul and Hella asked: "Please, Frau Doktor +advise us what to do, speak to her or not?" Then +she said: Children I think that after this affair she +won't come back to us next year; you will be doing a +good work if you make these last days bearable to +her. You were never intimate with her, but to give +her a friendly word or two will do you no harm and +may help her. You 2 have a high standing in the +class; your example will do good. We walked with +her till we reached the school, and because we were +there we could not kiss her hand but Hella said out +loud: How sweet you are! She must have heard it. +But Sch. was not at school. Father says he's glad +that the term is nearly over, for I have been quite +crazy about this affair. Still, he thinks that Hella and +I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. But Dora +said: Yes that's all right but you must not go too far. + +July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow +we are to get our reports. + +July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and +Verbenowitsch because we shan't see Frau Doktor M. +any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2 in History +and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. +Franke says: Anyone who is not in Professor Igel- +Nigl's good books can find out that he's cranky and +stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quite +pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella +has three twos. Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father +has given each of us a 2 crown piece, we can blow it, +he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. + +July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, +its jolly, I'm awfully pleased; but not until the 20th +because Father can't get away till then and Mother +won't leave Father so long alone. It is only a few +days anyhow. It's a pity Hella's gone already, she +left early this morning for Parsch near Salzburg, +what a horrid name and Hella too doesn't like saying +it; I can't think how anyone can give a place such a +nasty name. They have rented a house. + +July 12th. It's shockingly dull. Nearly every day +I have a quarrel with Dora because she's so conceited +Oswald came home yesterday. He's fearfully smart +nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head +shorter, but then Father's tremendously tall. And his +voice is quite deep, it was not before. And he has +parted his hair on one side, it suits him very well. +He says his moustache is growing already but it isn't; +one could see it if it were; five hairs don't make a +moustache. + +July 19th. Thank goodness we're going at last the +day after to-morrow. Father wanted Mother to go +away with us earlier, but she would not. It would +have been nicer if she had. + +July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from +the Hs. Ada and I spend the whole day together. +There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora's here, +one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky +Oswald says that Hainfeld bores him to death and +that he shall get a friend to invite him somewhere. +Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays +here. His name for Ada is: "Country Simplicity." +If he only knew how much she knows. Rosa T. he +calls a "Pimple Complex" because she has two or +three pimples. Oswald has some fault to find with +every girl he comes across. He says of Dora: She +is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and has +cold hands, and he says of me: You can't say anything +about her yet: "_She_ is still nothing but an +unripe embryo." Thank goodness I know from the +natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little +frog; "I got in a frightful wax and Father said: +Don't you worry, he's still a long way from being a +man or he would be more polite to his sisters and +their lady friends." This annoyed him frightfully, +and since then he never says a word when Ada and +Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming soon, thank +goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and +I shall be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to- +day for the second time. In August she is going to +Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a great estate +and she will learn to ride there. + + + +SECOND YEAR + +AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN + + + +SECOND YEAR + + +August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. +We drove to Glashutte where it is lovely; there we +cooked our own dinner in the inn for the landlady +was ill and so was the cook. On one's birthday everyone +is always so nice to one. What I like most of all +is the Ebeseder paint-box, and the book too. But +I never have any time to read. Hella sent me a +lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund +with two puppies, simply sweet. When I go home +I shall hang it up near the door over the bookcase. +Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for +me herself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can't +use it because I prefer to write upon loose sheets. +Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a great +piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; +she didn't know marzipan before. + +August 9th. When it's not holidays Ada goes to +school in St. Polten staying there with her aunt and +uncle, because the school in H. is not so good as the +school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to +Vienna, for she has finished with the middle school +and has to go on learning. But she has no near +relations in Vienna where she could stay. She might +come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself +as she always wants, and Ada and I could share +a room. I would much rather share a room with her +than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. + +August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always +get what he wants. Oswald is really going for +a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum; only +Oswald of course. I should like to see what would +happen if Dora or I wanted to go anywhere. A boy +has a fine time. It's the injustice of the thing which +makes me furious. For we know for certain that he's +had a _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us +anything about it. But of course that doesn't matter. +They throw every 2 in our teeth and when he gets +several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. +His chum too; he only got to know Max Rozny this +year and he's a chum already. Hella and I have +been chums since we were in the second in the elementary +school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went +to the High School. We both gave him a piece of +our mind about friendship. He laughed scornfully +and said: That's all right, the friendships of _men_ +become closer as the years pass, but the friendships +of you girls go up in smoke as soon as the first admirer +turns up. What cheek. Whatever happens Hella and +I shall stick to one another till we're married, for we +want to be married on the same day. Naturally she +will probably get engaged before me but she _must_ +wait for me before she's married. That's simply her +duty as a friend. + +August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we +had another scene just before he left because he wanted +one of us to go with him to the station and help +carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada +wanted to volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her +a nudge and luckily she understood directly. Sometimes, +but only sometimes, when Dora gets in a wax +she is rather like Hella. She thinks it's better that +Oswald has gone away because otherwise there are +always rows. That's because she always comes off +second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. +And when he wants to make her really angry he says +something to her in Latin which she can't understand. +I think that's the real reason why she's learning Latin. +I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing +like that. I really wouldn't bother. + +August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, +a silver-wire watchchain; I made it in four days. +I hope she'll get it safely, one can never be sure in +Hungary. + +August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with +Japanese lanterns and fir garlands. The people who +have received birthday honours are illuminating and +decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada +told me a _few things_. She knows more than Hella +and me, because her father is a doctor. He tells her +mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of things +though they generally stop talking when she comes +in. Ada would like awfully to be an actress. I never +thought of such a thing though I've been to the +theatre often. + +August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the +chain; she is wearing it. She is really learning to +ride at her cousin's. It's a pity he's called Lajos. +But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully +nice and smart, but it's a pity he's 22 already. + +August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. +She has often been to the theatre in St. Polten and +she is in love with an actor with whom all the ladies +in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants +to be an actress and so that she can live _free and +unfettered_. That is why she would like so much to +come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live with +us. She says she is pining away in H. for it's +a dull hole. She says she can't stand these _cramping +conditions_. In St. Polten she spent all her pocket +money upon flowers for _him_. She always said that +she had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things +for school. That's where she's lucky not to be at +home, for I could not easily take in Mother like that. +It would not work. One always has too little pocket +money anyhow, and when one lives at home one's +parents know just what copybooks one has. I should +like to go away from home for a few months. Ada +says it is very good for one, for then one learns to +know the world; at home, she says, one only grows +_musty_ and _fusty_. When she talks like that she really +looks like an actress and she certainly has talent; +her German master at school says so too. She can +recite long poems and the girls are always asking the +master to let her recite. + +August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel's poem, +The Death of Tiberius, it was splendid; she is a +born actress and it's a horrid shame she can't go on +the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she +says she's going on the stage; I expect she will get +her way somehow. + +August 31st. Oswald's having a fine long fortnight; +he's still there and can stay till September 4th!! +If it had been Dora or me. There would have been +a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. +Ada says: We girls must take for ourselves what +the world won't give us of its own free will. + +September 5th. In the forest the other day I +promised Ada to ask Mother to let her come and stay +with us so that she could be trained for the stage. +I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out +of the question. Ada's parents simply could not afford +it. If she has talent, the thing comes of itself and she +need only go to a school of Dramatic Art so that she +could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So +I don't see why it should be so frightfully expensive. +I'm awfully sorry for Ada. + +September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. +I've got to pack up my diary because we're going +home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I can. +There have been some gypsies here for three days, +and yesterday one of the women came into the garden +through the back gate and looked at our hands and +told our fortunes, mine and Ada's and Dora's. Of +course we don't believe it, but she told Ada that +she would have a great but short career after many +difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she +made a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness +awaits me when I am _as old again as I am now_; a +great passion and great wealth. Of course that must +mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How +absurd! Dora says that I look much younger than 12 +so that she meant 20 or even 18. But that's just +as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so +many girls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that +it's impossible that the old gypsy woman could have +thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora's fortune was +that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and +then happiness. And she told Ada that her line of +life was broken!! + +September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, +Father kissed him on both cheeks and said: For +God's sake be a good chap this last year at school. +He has to matriculate this year, it's frightfully difficult. +But he says that anyone who has cheek enough can +get through all right. He says that cheek is often +more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. I know +he's right; but unfortunately at the moment it never +occurs to me what I ought to do. I often think +afterwards, you ought to have said this or that. Hella +is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she's not +particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. +If only half of what Oswald says he says to the professors +is true, then I can't understand why he is not +expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald says: +If one only puts it in the right way no one can say +anything. But that doesn't hold always. + +September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. +That's why I'm writing in the morning, because she's +coming here in the afternoon. I'm awfully glad. I +have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the +kind Hella and I are both so fond of. + +September 20th. Only a word or two. School +began again to-day. Thank goodness Frau Doktor M. +still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her doctor's +degree at the end of the school year. In history we +have a new Frau Doktor, but we don't know her +name yet. The Vischer woman has been _married_ in +the holidays!!! It's enough to make one split with +laughing that anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora +says she wouldn't like to be her husband; but most +likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles +in a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez +for one does not wear them all the time. But spectacles! +Dora says too that she can't understand how +a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella +often says it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer +glares at her through her spectacles. We have a new +natural history professor. I'm awfully glad that +three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that +we have one or really 2 professors, for we have the +Religionsprofessor too. In the Third they are frightfully +annoyed because only one of their mistresses has +a doctor's degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three +professors. + +September 25th. All the girls are madly in love +with Professor Wilke the natural history professor. +Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the way +home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his +head nearly touches the lamp when he stands up +quickly, and a splendid fair beard like fire when the +sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but +no one knows what it means and who we are talking +about. + +September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because +of Frl. St.'s vanity bag. Two other girls have +left and three new one's have come, but neither I +nor Hella like them. + +October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History +to-day I worked frightfully hard and _He_ was +splendid. We are to look after the pictures and the +animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and +I always wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in +the Nat. Hist. lesson we always put tissue paper of +the same colour on the desk. He wants us to keep +notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound +ours in lilac paper, exactly the same shade as his +necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we have to come to +school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how +happy I am. + +October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic +master, splendid! This is how we found it out. We, +Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe Sick +because he always has his afternoon coffee there. +And on Thursday when we passed by there before +the gymnastic lesson there was the gymnastic master +sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as +we passed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar +said to us: So you two are tormented and pestered +by my cousin in natural history? "Pestered" we said, +o no, it's the most delightful lesson in the whole week. +"Is that so?" said he, "I won't forget to let him know." +Of course we begged and prayed him not to give us +away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope he +will. + +October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner's mother is +dead. We are so sorry for her. Some of us are +going to the funeral, I mayn't go, Mother says it is +not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I +wonder if _He_ will go? I'm sure he will, for really he +_has_ to. + +October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully +pale. Franke says she will certainly get married +soon now that both her parents are dead. Her fiance +often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for +her in L. Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of +course, because he's an officer. I don't think much +of him myself, he's too short and too fat. He's only +a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband +should be nearly a head taller than his wife, or at least +half a head taller, like our Father and Mother. + +October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of +work to do that we're not taking season tickets this +winter, but are going to pay each time when we go +skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and +where. Hella thinks that with great caution we might +find out from his cousin during the gymnastic lesson. +They are often together in the Cafe. I should like +to know what they talk about, they are always laughing +such a lot, especially when we go by. + +October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is +_awfully_ unhappy. She is back in St. P., in a continuation +school. But the actor is not there any more. +She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains +which lie heavy on her soul. Poor darling. No one +can help her. That is, her Mother could help her +but she won't. It must be awful. Hella thinks that +her parents will not allow her to go on the stage until +she has tried to do herself a mischief; then things may +be better. It's quite true, what can her mother be +thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy +Ada is. After all, why on earth shouldn't she go on +the stage when she has so much talent? All her +mistresses and masters at the middle school praised +her reciting tremendously and one of them said in so +many words that she had _great dramatic talent_. +Masters don't flatter one; except . . .; first of all +_He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and +secondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others +When he strokes his beard I become quite hot and cold +with extasy. And the way he lifts up his coat tails +as he sits down. It's lovely, I do want to kiss him. +Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his +desk so that _he_ can hallow it with his hand as he +writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic lesson when I +write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks +back at me and we both know what the other is thinking +of. + +November 15th. It's a holiday to-day so at last I +can write once more. We have such a frightful lot +to do that I simply can't manage to write. Besides +Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for +the last 4 days. It's awfully dull and dreary. Of +course I had time to write those days, but then I +didn't want to write. As soon as Mother is well again +she's going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on +I'm awfully glad because of S.G. + +November 28th. Mother came to school to-day +and saw him too. I took her to him and he was +heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your +daughter; she's very keen and clever. Then he turned +over the pages of his notebook as if to look at his +notes. But really he knows by heart how we all work. +That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossible +with so many girls; and he teaches in the science +school as well where there are even more boys than +we are. + +December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold +Fairy. She is awfully pretty, but I really don't think +her so lovely as I did last year. Hella says she never +could think what had happened to my eyes. "You +were madly in love with her and you never noticed +that she has a typical Bohemian nose," said Hella. +Of course that's not true, but now my taste is _quite +different_. Still, I said how d'you do to her and she +was very nice. When she speaks she is really charming, +and I do love her gold stoppings. Frau Doktor +M. has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. + +December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her +silly jokes to herself. When the Trobisch's were all +here to-day they were talking about the school and +she said: "Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; +last year it was Frau Doktor Malburg and this +year it's Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor Malburg +has fallen from grace now." If I had wanted to +I could have begun about the two students on the +ice. But I'm not like that so I merely looked at +her with contempt and gave her a kick under the +table. And she had the cheek to say: What's the +matter? Oh, of course these tender secrets of the +heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, it +does not matter at your age, for things don't cut deep." +But she was rightly paid out: Frau von Tr. and +Father roared with laughter and Frau v. Tr. said: +"Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your +white hair in the glass?" Oh, how I did laugh, and +she was so frightfully put out that she blushed like +fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ that I was an +ill-mannered pig. That's why I did not tell her that +she'd left her composition book on the table and to- +morrow she has to give it in. It's all the same to _me_, +for I'm an ill-mannered pig. + +December 9th. It's awful. At 2 o'clock this afternoon +Hella was taken to the Low sanatorium and was +operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother has +just telephoned that the operation has been successful. +But the doctors said that 2 hours later it would have +been too late. My knees are trembling and my hand +shakes as I write. She has not slept off the anisthetic +yet. + +December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one +can see her except her father and mother, not even +Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a jolly time +and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves +sick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis +from that. On Monday evening, when we were +going home after the gym lesson, she said she did +not feel at all well. The night before last she had a +rigor and the first thing in the morning the doctor +said that she must go to hospital at once for an +operation. + +December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully +excited about Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was +awfully nice and put off mathematics till next Tuesday. +On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does +want to see me so and so do I want to see her. + +December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn't +care about anything; I got her mother to take some +roses and violets from me, she did like them so much. + +December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella +from two until a quarter to 4. She is so pale and when I +came in we both cried such a lot. I brought her +some more flowers and I told her directly that when +he sees me Prof. W. always asks after her. So do the +other members of the staff especially Frau Doktor M. +The girls want to visit her but her mother won't let +them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite +different, like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she +said: We can never be strangers to one another, +not even in death. Then I burst out crying again +and both our mothers said I must go away because +it was too exciting for Hella. + +December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. +She passed me a little note asking me to get from her +locker the parcel with the blotting-book for her father +and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her +because the things are not ready yet for Christmas. + +December 16th. Hella's better to-day. I've got to +paint the blotting-book for her father. Thank goodness +I can. She'll be able to finish the key basket +herself, that's nothing. + +December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully +unhappy for it won't be a real Christmas if Hella has +to stay in hospital over Christmas. But perhaps she +will for since yesterday she has not been so well, +the doctors can't make out why she suddenly had +fever once more. For she didn't let on that I had +brought her some burnt almonds because she's so +awfully fond of them. But now I'm so terribly +frightened that she'll have to have another operation. + +December 19th. Directly after school I went to +see Hella again for I had been so anxious I could +not sleep all night. Thank goodness she's better. One +of the doctors said that if she'd been in a private +house he would have felt sure it was an error in diet, +but since she was in hospital that could be excluded. +So it was from the burnt almonds and the two sticks +of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for +they were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts +lie heavy on the stomach. She had a pain already +while I was still there, but she wouldn't say anything +about it because it was her fault that I'd brought her +the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, +I shan't bring her anything but flowers, and they +can't make her ill. Of course it would be different +if it were true about the "Vengeance of Flowers." +But that's all nonsense, and besides I don't bring any +strong-scented flowers. + +December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday +Hella can come home, in time for the Christmas +tree. Now I know what to give her, a long chair, +Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself +but Father will give me as much as I want. Oh +there's no one like Father! To-morrow he's going to +take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. + +December 21st. I was only a very short time with +Hella to-day because Father came to fetch me soon. +At first she was a little hurt, but then she saw that +we had important business so she said: All right +as long as it is not anything made of marzipan. That +nearly gave us both away. For when we were in the +street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that +about marzipan? So I said quickly: Since she's +been ill she has a perfect loathing for sweets. +Thank goodness Father didn't notice anything. But +I do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all +I always feel that he'll see through it, and secondly +anyhow I don't like telling fibs to him. The couch +is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the +round bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, +but I said: No, then it would not be my present, and +so I paid five crowns and Father 37. To-morrow +early it will be sent to the Bruckners. + +December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. +She has already been up a little, but she is still so +weak that she has to lean on someone when she walks. +She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says +in a hospital one always feels as if one was going to +die. She's quite right. The first time I went to see +her I nearly burst out crying on the stairs. And afterwards +we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother +knows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. +I do hope they won't forget about it at the shop. + +December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her +father carried her upstairs while I held her hand. +The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to congratulate +her and the old privy councillor on the +second story and his wife sent down a great pot of +lilac. She was so tired that I came away at 5 o'clock +so that she could rest. To-morrow I'm going to their +Christmas tree first and then to ours. Because of +Hella the Br's are going to have the present giving at +5 o'clock, we shall have ours as usual at 7. + +December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I +simply could not write a word. It was lovely here +and at Hella's. I shan't write down all the things +I got, because I've no time, and besides I know anyhow. +Hella was awfully pleased with the couch, her +father carried her into the room and laid her on the +sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It's certainly +awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, +when everyone takes care of one, and when no one +denies you the first place. I don't grudge it to Hella. +She's such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, +and after dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: +Open the drawer of my writing-table, the lowest one +on the right, and you'll find my diary there if you +want to read it. I shall never forget it! It's true +that we agreed we would let one another read our +diaries, but we've never done it yet; after all we're +a little shy of one another, and besides after a long +time one can't remember exactly what one has written. +What she writes is always quite short, never more than +half a page, but what she writes is always important. +Of course she couldn't sleep but instead I had to read +her a lot of things out of her diary, especially the +holidays when she was in Hungary. She was made +much of there. By two cadets and her two cousins. +We laughed so madly over some things that it hurt +Hella's wound and I had to stop reading. + +December 29th. We were put in such a frightful +rage yesterday. This is how it happened. It is a +long time since we both gave up playing with dolls +and things of that sort but when I was rummaging +in Hella's box I came across the dolls' things; they +were quite at the bottom where Hella never looked +at them. I took out the little Paris model and she +said: Give it here and bring all the things that belong +to it. I arranged them all on her bed and we were +trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and Dora +came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful +look and said: Ah, at their favourite occupation: +look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite red with excitement +over their play. Wasn't it impertinent. We playing +with dolls! Even if we had been, what business was +it of hers to make fun of us? Hella was in a frightful +rage and to-day she said: "One is never safe from +spies; please put all those things away in the box so +that I shan't see them any more." It really is too +stupid that one should always be reproached about +dolls as if it was something disgraceful. After all, +one doesn't really understand until later how all the +things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more +when one is quite a little girl and one first gets dolls, +one does not understand whether they are pretty and +nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we've done with +dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, +for the day after to-morrow is New Year's Day. + +But what annoys me most of all was this piece +of cheek of Dora's; she says that Lizzi said: "We +used to delight in those things at one time," but I +was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to +eat all the best things off the Christmas tree on the +sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ is nothing. _That's_ quite +fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper yesterday +I asked: But what's become of the second marzipan +sandwich, I'm sure there were two on the tree. And I +looked at her steadily till she got quite red. And after +a time I said: the big basket of vegetables is gone +too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don't need to +ask your permission. As for the sandwich, Oswald +took that. I was in such a temper, and then Father +said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your wrath +with the second sandwich and wash it down with a +sip of liqueur. For Grandfather sent Father a bottle +of liqueur. + +December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. +I've no interest in the school any longer. We're silly +little fools, love-sick and forward minxes. That's all +the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday +and Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange +everything and dust everything and then he can say a +thing like that. I shall never write _he_ with a big h +again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow +it all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite +Hella. It made me frightfully angry when Mother +told me, but still I'm glad for I know what line to +take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and +the sister of our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- +High School, happened to be there, and she told +Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed +because the girls in the high school are so forward. +Such silly little fools, and the little minxes begin it +already in the First Class. _For that reason he prefers +to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but they don't +make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, +now that I know _I_ shant make myself a nuisance to +him any more. On Friday, when the next lesson is, +I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the +things into the class-room without saying a word. And +I shall tell Kalinsky too that we're such an _infernal +nuisance_ to him. Just fancy, as if _we_ were in the +First Class! + +January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. +makes me perfectly furious. Hella kept on asking +yesterday what was the matter, said I seemed different +somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep +it in. I must keep it in for the sake of her health, +even if it makes me ill. Anyway what use is life now. +Since people are so falsehearted. He always looked so +awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way +in which he asked how Hella was and all the time he +was so false!!! If Hella only knew. Aha, to-morrow! + +January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked +at the door--Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what +do we want for the lesson to-day? He very civilly: +Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of a +Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as +usual.--He turned round and stared at me: It does +not seem to have been; to judge from your manner. +--I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: +O-o-h? He may well say O-o-h! For he has not +the least idea that I know the way in which he speaks +of us. + +January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for +her first drive. She's much better now and will come +back to school by the middle of the month. I _must_ +tell her before that or she'll get a shock. Yesterday +she asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?-- +Oh yes, I fibbed, but not so often as before. And +she said: That's the way it goes, out of sight out +of mind. What will happen when she learns the +truth. Anyhow I shan't tell her until she's quite +strong. + +January 10th. I've had to tell Hella already. +She was talking so enthusiastically about S. G. At +first I said nothing. And then she said: What are +you making such a face for? Are not you allowed +to arrange the things any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of +course I'm _allowed_, but I don't _want_ to any more. +I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; for I +really _was_ madly in love with him. + +January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love +with him too or rather must be in love with him still. +On Sunday evening she was so much upset that her +mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She +had pains and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness +she's got over it like me. She said to-day: Don't +let's bother ourselves about it any more. We wasted +our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At +such moments she is magnificent, especially now when +she is still so pale. Besides in the holidays and now +since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. +Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter +head taller than me. Dora is frightfully annoyed +because I am nearly as tall as she is. Thank goodness +it makes me look older than 12 1/2. + +Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for +her mother is going to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 +weeks. + +January 18th. It's horridly dull with Hella away. +Only now do I realise, since her illness. I am always +feeling as if she had fallen ill again. Her mother +has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in +the beginning of February. + +January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is +really since, she went away, I spend most of my time +with Fritzi Hubner. She's awfully nice, though I did +not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and +I sit together. For it's horrid to sit alone on a bench +Fritzi knows a good deal already. She would not +talk about it at first because it so often leads to trouble. +Her brother has told her everything. He's rather a +swell and is called Paul. + +January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and +Dora and I were allowed to go. I skated with Fritzi +and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, one +of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a +race with 5 other girls. Paul is awfully clever, he +says he's going into the army, the flying corps. +That's even more select than being on the general +staff. Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, +ought to have gone to the military academy, but his +grandfather would not allow it. He is to choose for +himself. But of course he will become an officer. +Most boys want to be what their father is. But +Oswald is perhaps going into the Navy. I wish I +knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: +Good God, I'm not doing it on my own account. I'm +only doing it because of Oswald. The two girls won't +get much out of it. + +February 3rd. I've just been reading what I wrote +about Father. I am wondering what it can be. I +think that Father either wants to win the great prize +in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. +But Dora and I would get something out of that, for +it would not belong to Oswald only. + +February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. +But she said she didn't know; if it was anything +which concerned us, Father would tell us. But it +must be something, or Mother would not have told +Father in the evening that I had asked. I can't +endure these secrets. Why shouldn't we know that +Father's going to buy a house. Fritzi's grandfather +has a house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But +Fritzi is very simply dressed and her mother too. + +February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming +back to-morrow, just before her birthday. Luckily +she can eat everything again so I am giving her a +huge bag of Viktor Schmid's sweets with a silver +sugar tongs. Mother and I are going to meet Hella +at the station. They are coming by the 8.20. + +February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming +to-day. I nearly could not meet her because Mother +is not very well to-day. But Father's going to take +me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow +afternoon, but she can't. She's an awfully nice girl +and her brother is too, but on the first day Hella is +back we must be alone together. She said so too in +the last letter she wrote me. She's been away more +than 3 weeks. It's a frightfully long time when you +are fond of one another. + +February 15th. I simply can't write my diary +because Hella and I spend all our free time together. +Yesterday we got our reports. Of course Hella has +not got one. Except in Geography and History I +have nothing but Ones, even in Natural History +although since New Year I have not done any work +in that subject. I detest Natural History. When +Hella comes back to school we are going to ask the +_sometime_ S. G. to relieve us from the labours of looking +after the things. Hella is still too weak to do it. +Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going to +be wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but +she's lovely already. She's been burned as brown as +a berry by the warm southern sun, and it really suits +_her_, though only her. I can't stand other people +when they are sun-burned. But really everything +suits Hella; when she was so pale in hospital, she +was lovely; and now she is just as lovely, only in quite +a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says: +You can measure a girl's beauty by the degree in which +she bears being sunburned without losing her good +looks. He really used to say that in the holidays +simply to annoy Dora and me, but he's quite right all +the same. + +February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. +They were all awfully nice to Hella, and Frau +Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her arm round +her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today +was the Natural History lesson. We knocked at +the door and when we went in Prof. W. said: Ah +I'm glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you +don't give us all another fright. How are you? +Hella said: "Quite well, thank you, Herr Prof." +And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious +face and he said: It seems to me that you've caught +your friend's ill humour.--Hella: "Herr Prof., you +are really too kind, but we don't want to trouble you. +What things have we to take to the class-room? And +then we beg leave to resign our posts, for I don't feel +strong enough for the work." She said this in quite +a soldierly way, the way she is used to hear her father +speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked +at us and said: "All right, two of the other pupils +will take it over." We don't know whether he really +noticed nothing or simply did not wish to show that +he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so +awfully sorry; for it was the last time, the very last +time. + +February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got +_Unsatisfactory_. I was not being questioned, but when +Klaiber could not answer anything I laughed, and he +said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. +But since I had been thinking of something quite different +I did not know what it was all about, and so I +got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ of course that would +not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and +Franke did all they could to console me and said: +"That does not matter, it wasn't an examination; he'll +_have_ to examine you properly later." Anyhow Franke +thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off +if he gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor +can forget _such a defeat_. For we told her about the +silly little fools. She said, indeed, that we had made +it too obvious. That's not really true. But now she +takes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. +Verbenowitsch and Bennari bring in the things now. +They are much better suited for it. Hella's father did +not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter +or the maidservant are there for that--we never see +them all the year round, that's a fine thing. + +March 8th. Easter does not come this year until +April 16th. I am going with the Bruckners to Cilli, +outside the town there they have a vineyard with a +country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully +glad. All the flowers begin to come out there at the +end of March or beginning of April. + +March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met +a gentleman to-day, very fashionably dressed with +gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair moustache. Hella +blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat +and said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking +very well. How are you? He never looked at me, +and when he had gone she said: "That was Dr. +Fekete, who assisted at my operation."--"And you +tell me _that_ now for the first time?" Then she put +on an innocent air and said: "Of course, we've never +met him before," but I said: "I don't mean _that_. +If you knew how red you got you would not tell me +a lie." Then she said: "What am I telling you a lie +about? Do you think I'm in love with him? Not +in the very least."--But when one is _not_ in love one +does not blush like that. Anyhow I shan't tell everything +now either; I can hold my tongue too. + +March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another +so much as usual; I especially was very silent. +When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been doing +the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and +brought me some lovely violets, so of course I forgave +her. This is really the first time we've ever quarrelled. +First she wanted to bring me some sweets, but then +she decided upon violets, and I think that was much +more graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when +it has hurt itself or been in a temper. But flowers +are not for a child. + +March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all +terribly upset. None of us were very intimate with +her, but now that she is dead we all remember that +she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following +rheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, +except Hella who was not allowed to come. Her +mother cried like anything and her grandmother still +more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white +roses with a lovely inscription: Death has snatched +you away in the flower of your youth--Your Schoolfellows. + +I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not +see Frieda Belay after she was dead, but Franke was +there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. She says +she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In +the church Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother +was buried only a month ago and now she was reminded +of it all and was frightfully upset. I cried +a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was +because I was thinking she might have died last Dec. +But that wasn't it, I don't think about that sort of +thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully sad. + +March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I +can't go to Cilli with Hella. Her mother was at +her cousin's, and when she heard that she was going +to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with +her. That is, she didn't ask straight out, but kept +on hinting until Hella's mother said: Let Melanie +come with us, it will help to set her up after her illness. +In the winter she had congestion of the lung. +Hella and I can't bear her because she's always spying +on us and is so utterly false. So of course I can't +go. Hella says too she's frightfully sorry, but when +_she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, +it would drive us crazy. She quite agrees +that I had better not come. But oh I'm so annoyed +for first of all I do so like going away with Hella +and secondly I should like to go away in the holidays +anyhow for nearly all the girls in our class are going +away. Still, there's nothing to be done. Hella's +mother says she can't see why we can't all 3 go +though it simply would not work. But we can't explain +it to her. Hella is so poetical and she says +"A beautiful dream vanished." + +In Hella's mouth such fine words sound magnificent, +but when Dora uses such expressions they annoy me +frightfully because they don't come from her heart. + +March 26th. The school performances finish today +with Waves of the Sea and Waves of Love. I'm +awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write anything +about that. For anyhow the play is written by a +poet and one can read it if one wants to, and one just +sees the rest anyhow. I can't make out what Dora +finds such a lot to scribble about always the day after +we've been to the theatre. I expect she's in love with +one of the actors and that's why she writes such a lot. +Besides we in the second class did not get tickets for +all the performances, but only the girls from the Fourth +upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow +for we often go in the evening and on Sunday +afternoons. But unfortunately I mayn't go in the +evening as a rule. + +March 29th. To-day something horrible happened +to Dora and me. I simply can't write it down. She +was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the +Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened +when she was travelling with Mother on February +15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing to +see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there +was only one gentleman in the carriage, Mother always +travels second class. She and Mother were sitting +together and the gentleman was standing farther +down the carriage where Mother could not see him +but Dora could. And as Dora was looking he opened +his cloak and-- -- --! just what the man did to-day +at the house door. And when they got out of the +train Dora's boa got stuck in the door and she had to +turn round though she did not want to, and then she +saw again-- -- --! She simply could not sleep for +a whole month afterwards. I remember that time +when she could not sleep but I did not know why it +was. She never told anyone except Erika and the +same thing happened to her once. Dora says that +happens at least once to nearly every girl; and that +such men are "_abnormal_." I don't really know what +that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hella +will know. Of course I did not really look, but +Dora shivered and said: And _that_ is what one has +to endure. And then, when we were talking it over +she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and +because she has had five children; Then I was very +silly and said: "But how from _that_?" one does not +get children from that? "Of course," she said I +thought you knew that already. That time there was +such a row with Mali about the waistband, I thought +you and Hella had heard all about everything." Then +I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for instead +of telling her what I really knew I said: "Oh, +yes, I knew all about it except just that." Then she +burst out laughing and said: "After all, what you +and Hella know doesn't amount to much." And in +the end she told me a _little_. If it's really as Dora +says, then she is right when she says it is better not +to marry. One can fall in love, one must fall in love, +but one can just break off the engagement. Well, +that's the best way out of the difficulty for then no +one can say that you've never had a man in love with +you. We walked up and down in front of the school +for such a long time that we were very nearly late +and only got in just as the bell rang. On the way +home I told Hella the awful thing we'd seen the man +do. She does not know either what "abnormal" really +means _as far as this is concerned_. But now we shall +use it as an expression for something horrible. Of +course no one will understand us. And then Hella +told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . +was walking through the streets _like that_ and was +arrested. She says _too_ that one can never forget seeing +anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning +was drunk too. But he didn't look as if he were +drunk. And if he hadn't done _that_ one would really +have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knows +too that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She +explained it all to me and now I can quite understand +that _that_ must make one ill. Yesterday it was after +11 at night and so I'm finishing to-day. Hella says: +_That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which +Adam and Eve committed. Before I had always believed +the original sin was something quite different. +But that--that. Since yesterday I've been so upset +I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look +at all, but I must have seen it all the same. + +March 30th. I don't know why, but in the history +lesson to-day it all came into my head once more +what Dora had said of Father. But I really can't +believe it. Because of Father I'm really sorry that +I know it. Perhaps it does not all happen the way +Dora and Hella say. Generally I can trust Hella, +but of course she may be mistaken. + +April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She +is quite different now from what she used to be. +One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. +Only common people say P--. Or one can say one's +_like that_. Dora has had M-- since August before +last, and it is horribly disagreeable, because men always +know. That is why at the High School we have +only three men professors and all the other teachers +are women. Now Dora often does not have M-- and +then sometimes it's awfully bad, and that's why she's +anemic. That men always know, that's frightfully +interesting. + +April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. +Dora certainly knows more than I do, that is not +more but better. But she isn't quite straightforward +all the same. When I asked her how she got to know +about it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she +said: "Oh, I don't know; one finds it all out somehow; +one need only use one's eyes and one's ears, +and then one can reason things out a little." But +seeing and hearing don't take one very far. I've always +kept my eyes open and I'm not so stupid as all +that. One must be told by some one, one _can't_ just +happen upon it by oneself. + +April 6th. I don't care about paying visits now. +We used always to like going to see the Richters, but +to-day I found it dull. Now I know why Dora hates +going second class on the Metropolitan. I always +thought it was only to spite me because I like travelling +second. She never likes going second since _that_ +happened. It seems one is often unjust to people +who never meant what one thought. But why did +she not tell me the truth? She says because I was +still a child then. That's all right, but what about +this winter when I was cross because we went Third +class to Schonbrunn; I really believed she did it to +annoy me, for I could not believe she was afraid that +in the second class, where one is often alone, somebody +would suddenly attack her with a knife. But +now I understand quite well, for of course she could +not tell Mother the truth and Father still less. And +in winter and spring there are really often no passengers +to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on +the Outer Circle. + +April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters +yesterday we, especially I, had been frightfully dull +and stupid. Why had we kept on exchanging glances? +We had been most unmannerly. If she had only +known what we were thinking of when Frau Richter +said, the weather to-day is _certainly quite abnormal_; +we have not had such _abnormal_ heat for years. And +then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about +his brother who had spent the whole winter at +Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my brother is a little +_abnormal_, I think he's got a tile loose in the upper +storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau +R. helped us once more to a tremendous lot of cake +and I was able to lean well forward over my plate. +And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton and +just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother +was _very_ unjust to me, for the cake had nothing at +all to do with it. Dora says too that I must learn +to control myself better, that if I only watch her I'll +soon learn. That's all very well, but why should one +have to bother? If people did not use words that +really mean something quite different then other people +would not have to control themselves. Still, I +must learn to do it somehow. + +April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite +early, at half past 8, they telephoned from the school +that Dora had suddenly been taken ill in the Latin +lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother +drove down directly in a taxi and I went with her +because anyhow my lessons began at 9 and we found +Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting +by her and the head's friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, +who is a medical doctor, and they had loosened her +dress and put a cold compress on her head for she +had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That's the +third time this year, so she must really have anemia. +I wanted to drive home with her, but Mother and Frau +Dr. P. said I'd better just go to my lessons. And as +I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: "That's a fine +healthy girl, a jolly little fellow." Really one should +only use that word of boys and men, but I suppose +she has got into the way of using it through being +with men so much. If one studies medicine one has +to learn all about _that_ and to look at everything. It +must be really horrid. + +Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too +that she's anemic. To-morrow or the day after Mother +is going to take her to see a specialist. Dora says it's +a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can't hear +what people are saying and one feels quite weak and +then one does not know anything more. I wonder +if I shall ever faint? Very likely when-- -- -- We +talked a lot about everything we are interested in. +In the afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and +she thinks she looks awfully pretty in bed, an interesting +invalid and at the same time so distinguished +looking. It's quite true, we all look distinguished. + +April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother's _wedding +day_. Now I know _what_ that really means. Dora says +it can't really be true that it is the most lovely day +in one's life, as everyone says it is, especially the poets. +She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed +because after all everyone knows. . . . That's quite +true, but after all one need not tell anyone which +one's wedding day is. Dora says she will never tell +her children which her wedding day is. But it would +be a great pity if parents always did that for then in +every family there would be one anniversary the less. +And the more anniversaries there are, the jollier it is. + +April 10th. To-morrow I'm going with Father to +Salzburg. Dora can't come, for they think she might +faint in the train. I'm rather glad really, though I've +nothing against her and I'm sorry for her, but it's +much nicer to go with Father alone. It's a long time +since I was in Salzburg. I'm so awfully glad to go. +Our spring coats and skirts are so pretty, dark green +with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and +light brown straw hats with daisies for the spring +and later we shall have cherries or roses. I'm taking +my diary so that I can write everything which _interests_ +me. + +April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father +says I ground my teeth frightfully and was very restless: +but I did not know anything about it. We had +a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when +there was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with +us, because her aunt, who has just been married, is +coming to visit them. Really I'm quite glad, for I +like so much being with Father quite alone. This +afternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock +Theatre. It is wonderful. + +April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! +But I don't much like it when other people are there. +To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The weather was +lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive +a view it always makes me feel sad. Because +there are so many people one does not know who perhaps +are very nice. I should like to be always travelling. +It would be splendid. + +April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was +writing a letter to Mother and he let me go to see +the salt works; I don't know how it happened, but +suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, +in a place I did not know. Then an old gentleman +asked me what I was looking for; because I had +walked past the same place 3 times and I said we +were staying in the "Zur Post Hotel" and I did not +know how to find my way back. So he came with me +to show me and as we were talking it came out that +he had known Father at the university. So he came +in with me and Father was awfully glad to see him. +He is a barrister in Salzburg but he has a grey beard +already. As he was going away he said in an undertone +to Father: "I congratulate you old chap on +your daughter; she'll be something quite out of the +ordinary!" He whispered it really, but I heard all +the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at +the Kapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military +band; two young officers in the Yagers who were sitting +at the next table to ours kept on looking our way; +one was particularly handsome. My new summer +coat and skirt is awfully becoming everyone says. +Father says too: "I say, you'll soon be a young lady! +But don't grow up too quickly!" I can't make out +why he said that; I should like to be quite grown up; +but it will be a long time yet. + +April 14th. It's been raining all day. How horrid. +One can't go anywhere. All the morning we were +walking about the town and saw several churches. +Then we were at the pastrycook's, where I ate 4 chocolate +eclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for +dinner. + +April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. +Gratzl sent up the hotel clerk to ask us to dinner. +We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. He +has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three +years ago. One of the sons is a student in Graz and +the other is a lieutenant in the army; he is engaged +to be married. The daughters are quite old already; +one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is +horrid. The youngest (!!!) is 24. It is so funny +to say "the youngest" and then she is 24. Father +says she is very pretty and will certainly get married +At 24!! when she's not even engaged yet; I don't +believe she will. They have a large garden, 3 dogs +and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There +are steps leading up and down from room to room, +it is lovely, and all the windows are bow-windows. +Everything is so old-fashioned, even the furniture +I do think it's all so pretty. The hall is round like +a church. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed +fruit, and pastries. I had a huge go of stewed fruit. +They have a gramaphone and then Leni and I played +the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the +student, came in; he got quite red and in the hall +Dr. Gratzl said to me: "You've made a conquest +to-day." I don't really believe I have, but I do like +hearing it said. I'm sorry to say we are going away +to-morrow, for we are going to stay 2 days in Linz +with Uncle Theodor whom I don't know. + +April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt +Lina is old too. Still, they are both awfully nice. +I did not know them before. We are staying with +them. In the evening their son and his wife came. +They are my cousins, and they brought their little +girl with them; I am really a sort of aunt of hers. +It's awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only 12 +and 3/4 and when one's niece is 9. To-day we went +walking along the Danube. It only rained very gently +and not all the time. + +April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course +we have sent a lot of picture postcards to Mother +and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald too. He +came home for Easter. I don't know whether he will +still be there to-morrow. + +April 22nd. We've begun school again. Dora and +I generally walk to school together since she does not +go to the Latin lesson now because it was too great a +strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see +wanted her to give up studying altogether, but she +absolutely refuses to do that. But I'm very furious +with her; she's learning Latin in secret. When I came +into the room the day before yesterday she was writing +out words and she shut her book quickly instead of +saying openly and honestly: Rita, don't tell Father +and Mother that I'm still studying in the evening: +"I trust your word." She could trust me perfectly +well. There are plenty of things I could tell if I +liked! Perhaps she fancies that I don't see that the +tall fair man always follows us to school in the morning. +Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully +bald and must be at least 30. And I'm certain she +would not talk as much as she does to Hella and me +if it were not that she wants to talk about _that_. But +this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise +we are now quite intimate with one another. + +April 24th. We went to confession and communion +to-day. I do hate confession; though it's never happened +to me what many girls have told me, even girls +in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the +6th commandment; all they've asked is: In thought, +word, or deed? Still, I do hate going to confession, +and so does Dora. It's much nicer for Hella as a +Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion +I'm always terrified that the host might drop +out of my mouth. That would be awful. I expect +one would be immediately excommunicated as a +heretic. Dora was not allowed to come to confession +and com., Father would not let her. She must not +go out without her breakfast. + +April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who +dropped the host out of her mouth. There was a +frightful row about it. She said it was not her fault +the priest's hand shook so. It's quite true, he was +very old, and that is why I'm always afraid it will +happen to me. It's much better when the priest is +young, because then that can never happen. Father +says that the girl won't be excommunicated for this, +and luckily one of her uncles is a distinguished +prelate. He is her guardian too. That will help +her out. + +April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in +the interval. She is awfully nice and she says she +really did not do it on purpose for she is frightfully +pious and perhaps she's going to be a nun. I am +pious too, we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I +would not go into a convent, not I. Dora says people +generally do that when they've been crossed in love, +because then the world seems empty and hateful. +She looked so frightfully sentimental that I said: +Seems to me you've a fancy that way yourself? +Then she said: "No, thank goodness, I've no reason +for that." Of course what she meant was that she +was not crossed in love but the other way. No doubt +the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at +her for a long time and said: "I congratulate you on +your good fortune. But Hella and I wish he was not +bald," then she said with an astonished air: "Bald? +What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of +a thinker." + +27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. +I have forgotten to say that Dora has to go out every +day for two hours to sit and walk in the sunshine. +Since Mother is not very well and can't walk much, +we've engaged the Mad. Father says that when I have +time I must go too "as a precautionary measure." I +don't like the idea at all, it's much too dull; besides +I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week, +Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, +Thursdays, and Saturdays I have my music +lesson, so I can't go; so Finis and Jubilation! That's +what Oswald always says at the end of the year and +at the end of term. Still, she's very pretty, has fair +curly hair, huge grey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, +but she speaks so fast that I can't understand +all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman +is to come, but we have not got one yet, they are all +so expensive. It does seem funny to me to get a salary +for going out with _grown up girls_, that's only an +amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw +last year in Rathaus Park, it would be different. As +for the French or English conversation! If they did +not want to talk what would it matter? And besides +why should one want to talk either French or English, +it's so stupid. + +April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and +the eldest son came too, the lieutenant from Lemberg; +he is awfully handsome and made hot love to Dora; +Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry +in Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring +Dora one of Tolstoi's books to read. Then they will +do some music together, she piano and he violin; it's +a pity I can't play as well as Dora yet. At Whitsuntide +Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means +conqueror) is on furlough for 6 months, because he's +ill, or because he is said to be ill; for one does not +look like _that_ when one is really ill. + +May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he +must be frightfully smitten with Dora. But Father +won't have it at any price. He said to Dora to-day: + +You get this gay young spark out of your head; he +is no good. But at sight of a uniform there is no +holding you girls. I've no objection to you doing +music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual +running to and fro with books and notes is all humbug." + +May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is +with Dora, to school every day. He is supposed to +lie in bed late every morning, for he is really ill +but for Dora's sake he gets up frightfully early and +comes over from Heitzing and waits in ---- Street. +Of course I go on alone with Hella and we all meet +In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything at +school. + +May 13th. To-morrow is Mother's birthday and +Viktor (when I am talking about him to Dora I always +speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely roses +and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the +hall he called me "the Guardian Angel of our Love." +Yes, that is what I am and always shall be; for he +really deserves it and Dora too is quite different from +what she used to be. Hella says one can see for +oneself that love ennobles; up till now she has always +thought that to be mere poetical fiction. + +May 15th. Father said: I don't care much about +these visits to the Richters as long as that _young +jackanapes_ is still there, but Mother can't very well +refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts +with the white blouses with the little green silk leaves +for Dora does not like to wear all white except in +summer. And because the leaves on the blouses are +_clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We +are looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope +Mother will be all right, for she is in bed to-day. It's +horrid being ill anyhow, but when being ill interferes +with other people's pleasure it's simply frightful. + +May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother's +birthday; but it was not so jolly as usual because +Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present I +painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which +looks awfully chic. Dora gave her a book cover +embroidered with a spray of Japanese cherries, I +don't know what Father gave her, money I think, +because on her birthday and name day he always +hands her an envelope. But since Mother is not well +we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her +health at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought +we were not looking. Still, it's not so dangerous as +all that; she is able to go out and doesn't look bad. +I think Mother's awfully smart, she looks just as well +in her dressing gown as when she's dressed up to +go out. Dora says that if she had been made ill by +her husband she would hate him and would never +let her daughters marry. That's all very well, but +one ought to be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has +become ill. They say that is why Aunt Dora doesn't +like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to her +as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see +Mother. But after all, Aunt Dora has no right to +make _scenes_ about it to Father, as Dora says she does. +Mother's the only person with any right to do that. +Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother's +having to have an operation. Nothing would ever +induce me to undergo an operation, it must be horrible, +I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. But +Dora says: "Anyone who's had five children must be +used to that sort of thing." I shall pray every night +that Mother may get well without an operation. I +expect we shan't all go away together at Whitsuntide +this year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health +resort, most likely to Franzensbad. + +May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter +was there from Modling, he was awfully nice, and +said I was so like my sister that it was difficult to tell +us apart. That's a frightful cram, but I know what +he really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and +the three played a trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed +with myself for not having worked harder at my +music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours +every day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter +Viktor is going to found a private dramatic club, so +he must be going to stay more than six months in +Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and +when I said: "The great pity is that she's got such +frightful anemia," he said: In a man's eyes that is +no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. +Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often +makes a girl more charming than ever, as you can +see in your sister. + +Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for +the first time; anybody can have her for me. She +wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is engaged, but +Dora says, has been. I simply don't believe it. V. +says Mad. is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora +if she was not jealous, she said she didn't care, she +was quite sure of his love. He means to leave the +army and go into the civil service, and then he will +be able to marry. But Dora said, there's plenty of +time for that, a secret engagement is much nicer. +Then she noticed she'd given herself away, and she +blushed like anything and said: You naturally must +be engaged before you are married, mustn't you?-- +of course she _is_ secretly engaged, but she won't tell +me about it. What's the good of my being the +"Guardian Angel of their Love?" If he only knew. + +May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I +simply have no time, first of all I had my lesson +anyhow, and secondly something awful happened to +Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; +and because we have our religion lesson in the Fifth +I saw a green bound book lying under the third bench. +Great Scott, I thought, that looks like Dora's diary. +I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchel +over it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When +I got home at 1 o'clock I did not say anything at +first. After dinner she began rummaging all over the +place, but without saying anything to me, and then +I said quite quietly: "Do you hap--pen to be look-- +ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--it +--in--the--fifth--class--un--der--the-- +third--bench." (I kept her on tenter hooks that way.) +She got as white as a sheet and said: You _are_ an +angel. If any one else had found it, I should have +been expelled and Mad. would have had to drown +herself. Oh, it can't be as bad as all that," I said, +for what she said about Mad. was frightfully exciting. +In class I had looked chiefly at what she had +written about V. But I could not read it there, +because it was written very small and close together +and was several pages, but I had not looked much at +what she had written about Mad. "Did you read it?" +No, only where it happened to come open because +there's a page torn out. About V. or about Mad? +"A little about Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan't +tell anyone. For if I'd wanted to betray you, you +know quite well. . . ." And then she told me all +about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would +not even tell Hella. Mad. is secretly engaged to a +man to whom she has given "the utmost gifts of love," +that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love +with him, and they would marry directly but he is +a lieutenant too, and they have not enough money +for the security. She says that when one really loves +a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has +often been to his rooms, but she has to be frightfully +careful for her father would kill her if he found out. +Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he is very +handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. +says that you can't trust men as a rule, but that her +lover is quite different, that he is true as steel. I am +sure V. is too. + +May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could +not look at her while Mother was there and Dora +says I made an awful fool of myself. For I went +out walking with them to-day, and when we met a +smart-looking officer I hemmed and looked at Dora. +But she didn't know why. Mad. is the daughter of a +high official in the French military service and she +only took her teacher's degree in order to get free from +her Mother's "_tyranny_;" she nagged at her frightfully +and until she began to give lessons she was never +allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very refined in +her speech, especially when she is talking about +_these_ things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks +German, for it's much more difficult to say it in +French, and probably Dora would not understand +it and then Mad. would only have to translate it. +She is called Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. +says that if one is madly in love with a man one does +whatever he asks. But I don't see that one need do +that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he +might ask you to get the moon out of the skies, or to +pull out a tooth for his sake. Dora says she can +understand it quite well; that I still lack _the true +inwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter +nonsense. But since it sounds fine I've written it +down, and perhaps I shall find a use for it some day +when I'm talking to Walter. Mad. is always frightfully +anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did +she's sure her father would kill her. The lieutenant +is in the flying corps. He hopes he's going to invent +a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lot of money +out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But +it would be awful if _something happened_ and she got +a baby already. + +May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I +knew all about these things, whether Hella had told +me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said +quite casually: "Oh, one can read all about that in +the encyclopedia." But Dora laughed and said: +"You are quite on the wrong scent; you can't find a +tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what +you do find is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely +no good_ depending on books." First of all she +would not tell me any more, but after a time she told +me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, +and about _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic +baby which really comes from the husband, and not +as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. And how +one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is +really an awful word. In fact almost every word +has a second meaning of _that_ sort, and what Dora +says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when +one is talking. Dora thinks it would be best to make +a list of all such words, but there are such a frightful +lot of them that one never could. The only thing +one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets +used to it. Still it happened to Dora the other day +that she said to V.: I don't want any _intercourse_. +And that really means "the utmost gifts of love," so +Mad. told her. But V. was so well-mannered that +he did not show that he noticed anything; and it +did not occur to Dora until afterwards what she had +said. It's really awfully stupid that every ordinary +word should have such a meaning. I shall be so +frightfully careful what I say now, so that I shan't +use any word with two meanings. Mad. says it's just +the same in French. We don't know whether it is the +same in English and we could never dream of asking +that awful fright, Miss Lundy. Very likely she does +not know the first thing about it anyhow. I know a +great deal more than Hella now, but I can't tell her +because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can +give her a hint to be more careful in what she says, +so as not to use any word with two meanings. That +is really my duty as a friend. + +May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had +his written matriculation exam, he wrote a postcard +every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed because +he made such silly jokes all the time that we could +not really tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully +excited because next Monday we are going to the +aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is +at the conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to +fly too. Of course we'll motor out because the railway +is not convenient. Of course Viktor will be there, +but he is motoring over with some other officers. It's +a great pity, for it would have been lovely if he'd +been in our car. By the way, I saved the class to-day, +the school inspector has been this week and examined +our class first in History and then in German, and +I was the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor +M. had told us about the Origin of Fable. The insp. +was very complimentary and afterwards Frau Doktor +M. said: its quite true one can always depend upon +Lainer; she's got a trustworthy memory. When we +were walking home she was awfully nice: "Do you +know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your +pardon." I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But +why? She said: "It seemed to me this year that you +were not taking quite so much interest in your German +lessons as you did last year; but now you've +_reinstated_ yourself in my good opinion." Afterwards +Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is not +so far wrong when I think of all that we used to +read last year so that we might know everything when +the lesson came, and when I think of what we do +this year!!! You know very well-- -- -- --. +Hella is quite right, but still one can learn in spite +of _those things_, one can't be _always_ talking about +them. And then it's quite easy to learn for such an +angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as +red as a turkey cock from pride because I could say +it all in the very words of Frau Doktor M., but it +was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up +about it, and secondly I really don't know myself how +I managed to say it all. I only felt that Frau Doktor +M. is so annoyed when no one offers to answer a question, +and so I took it on. + +May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a +hundred times. How could I be so stupid! Now +we're not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only +let us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed +he was going to stay there another fortnight. +And at dinner to-day I made a slip and said: "It is +a pity there's no room for five in our car. If Fraulein +Else were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come +with us." Dora kicked me under the table and I +tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry and +said. "Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, +children, nothing doing. I shall make your excuses +to Frau Richter directly. I'm not having any, did +not I tell you you weren't to see the fellow any more?" +Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say +anything but she did not eat any pudding or fruit, +and as soon as we were back in our room she gave +it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you +little beast, but really you are only a child whom I +never ought to have trusted, and so on. It's really +too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I envied her. +Besides it's bad for me as well as for her, for I like +him very much too, for he makes no difference between +us and treats me exactly like Dora. Of course +we are not on speaking terms now, and what infuriated +me more than anything was that she said she +grudged every word she had said to me in _this_ connection: +"Pearls before Swine." What a rude thing to +say. So I am an S. But I should like to know who +told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I'm quite sure that +I shall never talk to her again about _anything of that +sort_. Thank goodness I have a friend in Hella. +She would never say or think anything of the kind +of me. + +May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all +night; Dora cried frightfully, I heard her though she +tried to stifle it, and I cried too, for I was thinking +all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor from +thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then +I thought of something, and chance or I ought to say +luck helped me. Viktor does not walk to school with +us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have +seen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora +when she comes away at 1 o'clock. So quite early +I telephoned to him at a public telephone call office, +for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so +bad that she could not go to school so I was going +alone with Hella. I telephoned saying a friend was +ringing him up, that was when the maid answered +the telephone, and then she called him. I told him: +that whatever happened he was not to think unkindly +of me and I must see him at 1 o'clock because Dora +was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. +All through lessons I was so upset that I don't in the +least know what we did. And at 1 o'clock he was +there all right, and I told him all about it and he +was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled +_me_. That's quite different from the way Dora +behaved. I was so much upset that I nearly cried, +and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his arm +round me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away +my tears. I shall never tell Dora about that. Then +he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora because she +had such a _lot_ to bear. I don't really know _what_ she +has to bear, but still, for his sake, because it's really +worth doing it for that, after dinner I put a note +upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans of love to +you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. +At the same time his best thanks for the book. I +put the note in Heidepeter's Gabriel, which she had +lent to me to read and put it down very significantly. +When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few +times and said: "Have you seen him? Where was +it and when?" Then I told her all about it and she +was frightfully touched and said: "You really are +a good girl, only frightfully undependable." What +do you mean, undependable? She said: Yes undependable, +for one simply must not blurt out things +in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have +you finished Heidepeter's Gabriel yet? "No," I said, +"I'm not going to read anyone's book with whom +I'm angry." In the end we made it up, but of course +we did not talk any more about it and I did not say +a word about that business with the handkerchief. + +May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and +Dora are going to Frazensbad, because they both have +to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a +change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she +won't go about hanging her head like a sick chicken. +To-day Dora told me something very interesting. +Unmarried men have little books and with these they +can go to visit women "of a certain kind" in Graben +and in the Karntnerstrasse. There, Dora says, they +have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora's class +there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and +they have all to be examined every month to see if +they are healthy, and if not they can't visit these +"ladies," and that's why the Preusses can never keep +a servant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had +a certain line, so I must be fr--. But I shan't have +more than 1 or 2 children at most for the line is very +faint. When I'm studying I often think of such +things, and then I read a whole page and turn over +and have not the remotest idea what I've been reading. +It's very tiresome, for soon the other school insp. +for maths. and the other subjects is coming, and I +should not like to make a fool of myself; especially +not because perhaps the inspectors talk us over with +one another about who is clever and who stupid. + +May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I +hear such grand music I always have to keep myself +well in hand for I fear I should cry. It's very stupid, +of course, but at such times I can only think of sad +things, even if it's just a small piece. Dora can play +Brahms' Hungarian Dances, too, but that never makes +me want to cry. I only get annoyed because I can't +play them myself. I could all right, but I have not +got patience to practice long enough. I never tell +anyone that I want to cry when I am listening to +music, not even Hella, though I tell her everything, +except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a +fool of myself; at least so Dora says. I don't know +how it happened, we were talking about books at +supper, and I said: "What's the use of books, one +can't learn anything out of them; everything is quite +different from what they say in books." Then Father +got in a wax and said: "You little duffer, you can +thank your stars there are books from which you can +learn something. Anyone who can't understand a +book always says it is no good." Dora gave me a +look, but I didn't know what she meant, and I went +on: "Yes, but there's an awful lot that the encyclopedia +puts all wrong." "What have you been ferreting +in the encyclopedia for; we shall have to keep the key +of the bookcase in a safer place." Thank goodness +Dora came to my help and said: "Gretel wanted to +look up something about the age of elephants and +mammoths, but it's quite different in the encyclopedia +from what Prof. Rigl told her last year." I was +saved. Dora can act splendidly; I've noticed it before. +In the evening she rowed me, and said: "You +little goose, will you never learn caution; first that +stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! +I've helped you out of a hole once but I shan't do +it again." And then she spent all the time writing +a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just +been reading a lot of things in the encycl., about _Birth_ +and _Pregnancy_, and I on my own about abor--; we +came across the words Embyro and Foetus, and I said +nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in my handkerchief +to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. +Mad. need not be anxious even if she _really_ did get +like that. But every doctor knows about it and one +often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. knows anything +about it. We were talking about the _differences_ between +men and women, and it came out that when +Hella has her bath she is still washed by Anna who +has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would +induce me to allow that, I would not let anyone wash +me, except Mother; certainly not Dora, for I don't +want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in +the hosp. told Hella that she is developed just like +a little nymph, so lovely and symetrical. Hella says +that is nothing unusual, that every girl looks like +that, that the female body is _Nature's Work of Art_. +Of course she's read that somewhere, for it does not +really mean anything. _Nature's_ work of art; it +ought to be: a work of art made by husband and +wife!!! + +May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad +on June 6th, directly after Whitsuntide. Dora +has got another new coat and skirt, grey with blue +stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits +me very well says Hella and everyone, with white +ribbons and wild roses. There might have been a +fearful row about what's just happened. When I +went to telephone I had my Christmas umbrella with +the rose-quartz handle and I left it in the telephone +box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it there, and +as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to +the porter who brought it upstairs. Thank goodness +it occurred to me at once to say that I went into the +tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it in +the _shop_. No one noticed anything. + +May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with +Hella for the month when Mother and Dora are +away. It would be awfully nice, but I'm not going +to, for I want to stay with Father. What would he +do all alone at meal times, and whom would he have +to talk to in the evenings? Father was really quite +touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as +he can and no one else, not even Mother. So I'm +going to stay at home whatever happens. Flowers +are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowers +on the table every day, I shall go to the Market every +day to buy a little posy, so that they can always be +fresh. It would be stupid for me to go to the Brs., +why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long +time, she knows how to do everything even if Mother +is not there and everything else I can arrange. Father +won't want for anything. + +June 1st. We've had such an experience to-day! +It's awful; it's quite true then that one takes off +_every stitch_ when one is madly fond of anyone. I +never really believed it, and I'm sure Dora did not, +although Mad. hinted it to her; but _it's true_. We've +seen it _with our own eyes_. I was just sitting and +reading Storm's The Rider of the Grey Horse and +Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to +Franzensbad when Resi came and said: Fraulein +Dora, please come here a moment, I want you to +look at something! From the tone of her voice I +saw there was something up so I went too. At first +Resi would not say what it was but Dora was generous +and said: "It's all right, you can say _everything_ +before her." Then we went into Resi's room and +from behind the curtain peeped into the mezzanin. +A young _married couple_ live there!!! At least Resi +says people say they are _not_ really married, but simply +live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She +was absolutely naked lying in bed without any of the +clothes on, and he was kneeling by the bedside quite +n-- too, and he kissed her all over, _everywhere!!!_ +Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. +And then he stood up--no, I can't write it, it's +too awful, I shall never forget it. So _that's_ the way +of it, it's simply frightful. I could never have believed +it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled +so that Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried +with horror, and yet I could not help laughing too. +I was really afraid he would stifle her because he's +so big and she's so small. And Resi says he is certainly +much too big for her, and that he nearly tears +her. I don't know why he should tear her but certainly +he might have crushed her. Dora was so +terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get +her a glass of water, because she believed she was +going to faint. I had not imagined it was anything +like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or she +would never have trembled so. Still I really don't +see why she should tremble like that. There is no +reason to be frightened, one simply need not marry, +and then one need never strip off every stitch, and +oh dear, poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the +lieutenant is very tall. But just think if anyone +is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Of course +Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the +landlord had another little girl, so something _must +have happened_. No, I'm sure it's best not to marry, +for _it_ is really too awful. We did not look any more +for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to +be actually sick, so that she could hardly get back +to our room. If she had not been able to, everything +would have come out. Mother sent for the doctor +directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; +that it was a good thing she was going away +from Vienna in a few days. No girl ought to study, +it does not pay. Then he said to me: "You don't +look up to much either. What are you so hollow- +eyed for?" "I'm so frightened about Dora," I said. +"Fiddlededee," said the doctor, "that does not give +anyone black rings round the eyes." So it must be +true that one gets to look ill when one always has +to think about _such_ things. But how can one help +it, and Hella says: It's awfully interesting to have +black rings under the eyes and men _like_ it. + +We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to +Kahlenberg and Hermannskogel, but probably it +won't come off. Its 11 already and I'm fearfully +tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do +hope I Shall be able to sleep, but-- -- -- -- + +June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; +we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. After +dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the +hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all +about what we'd seen on Friday. She was simply +speechless, all the more since she had never heard +what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She +won't marry either, for it's too disagreeable, indeed +too horrid.--The doctor said too: This perpetual +learning is poisonous for young girls _in the years of +development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. +Hella is frightfully annoyed that she was not there. +She can be jolly glad, I don't want to see it a second +time, and I shall never forget it all my life long; +what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. +Then Hella went on making jokes and said: "I say, +just think if it had been Viktor." "Oh, do shut up," +I screamed, and Father thought we were quarrelling +and called out: "You two seem to be having a dispute +in the grand style." If he'd only known what +we were talking about!!! Oswald has been home +since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past +10. But he did not come on the excursion with us +yesterday, although Father would have liked him to; +he said he would find it much too dull to spend the +day with two "flappers;" that means that we're not +grown up enough for him and is a piece of infernal +cheek especially as regards Hella. She says she will +simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister +I can't very well do that, but I shan't fetch and carry +for him as he would like me to. He's no right to +insult even his sister. + +Dora has just said to me: It's horrible that one +has to endure that (you know what!!! -- -- -- --) +when one is married. Resi had told her about those +two before, and that only the Jews do it just like +_that_. She said that other people did not strip quite +naked and that perhaps it's different in some other +ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. implied that it was just +_that_ way, only she did not say anything about the +crushing; but I suppose that's because of the cruelty +of the Jews-- -- --. I'm afraid every night that +I'm going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed +about it already. She says that whenever she closes +her eyes she sees it all as if it were actually before +her. + +June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant +the other day when he was speaking about Dr. Diller +and his wife and said: "But they don't suit one +another at all." I thought at the time he only meant +that it looks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go +about with a big strong man. But that's only a +minor thing; the main point is something quite +different!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now +who go by arm in arm, thinking about them from +_that_ point of view, and it amuses us so much as we +are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. +But really it's no laughing matter, especially for the +woman. + +June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with +her to pay a farewell call at the Richter's. But there +was no one at home, that is Frau R. was certainly +at home, but said she was not because they are very +much offended with Father. In the afternoon Dora +and I had a lot of things to get, and we met Viktor, +by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they +went into the Minorite church while I went for a walk +in Kohlmarkt and Herrengasse. He is going to +America in the beginning of July, before Dora comes +home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper +stamped with his regimental arms, specially for her +to write to him on, and a locket with his portrait. +To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, +through me, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora +has been much nicer to me lately. + +June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. +Mother has never gone away from us before for +long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. Dora +cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and +I are alone now. At dinner he said to me: "My +little housewife." It was so lovely. But it's frightfully +quiet in the house, for 2 people don't talk so +much as 4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. +To-day I talked several things over with Resi. What +I think worst of all is that one saw the whole of his +behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other +day she thought it was positively infamous. Resi +said they might at least have pulled down the blind +so that nobody could see in, that's what respectable +people would do. But _respectable_ people simply +would not strip, or at least they'd cover themselves +respectably with the bedclothes. Then Resi told me +some more about the bank clerk and his wife, that is +_not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know +about it, and what excuse she makes for not living +at home. She is not a Jewess, though he is a Jew. +Resi absolutely curled up with laughing because I +said: Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ +strip though ordinarily only the wife has to strip." +But she herself said a little while ago that only Jews +do it _that way_, and to-day she laughed as if I were +talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know +exactly herself, and she cloaks it with laughter because +she's annoyed, first because _she_ does not know, and +then also I'm sure because she really began to talk +about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that +I never dream about _it_. I should like to know whether +perhaps Dora never really dreamed of it, though she +pretended she did. As for Hella saying she dreamed +of it the day before yesterday, I'm sure that was pure +invention, for she was not there at all. She says it's +a good thing she was not for if she had been she +would have burst out laughing. But I fancy if she'd +seen what we saw she would have found there was +nothing to laugh at. + +June 7th. It's frightfully dull after dinner and +in the evening before bed time, especially because +this year, since the affair at the front door, Dora +and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss +it. I wish Hella would come and stay with us for +the 4 weeks. But she does not want to. Father +had work to do to-day, so I'm quite alone and feel as +if I'd like to cry. + +June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, +Resi came to make my bed, and we talked +about the married couple opposite, and then she told +me awful things about a young married couple where +she was once. She left because they always went +into the bath together; she says she's certain that +_something happened_ there. And then she told me +about an old gentleman who made _advances_ to her; +but of course she would not have anything to do +with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he +would never have married a servant for he was a +privy councillor. Yesterday Father said: Poor little +witch, it's very lonely for you now; but look here, +Resi is no fit company for you; when your little +tongue wants to wag, come to my room. And I was +awfully stupid, I began to cry like anything and +said. "Father, please don't be angry, I'll never think +and never talk of such things any more." Father +did not know at first what I meant, but afterwards +it must have struck him, for he was so kind and gentle, +and said: "No, no, Gretel, don't corrupt your youth +with such matters, and when there's anything that +bothers you, ask Mother, but not the servants. A girl +of good family must not be too familiar with servants. +Promise me." And then, though I'm so big he took +me on his knee like a child and petted me because I +was crying so. "It's all right, little Mouse, don't +worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. Give +me a nice kiss, and then I'll come with you to your +room and stay with you till you go to sleep. Of +course I stayed awake on purpose as long as I could, +till a quarter to 11. + +And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora's +bed so that when I woke up early in the morning I +really looked across to see if he had not gone to bed +there. But of course I'd only dreamed it. + +June 12th. To-morrow there's a great school excursion; +I am so glad, a whole day with Frau Doktor +M. and without any lessons. We are going up Eisernes +Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the +Fourth did not want to go to the Anninger, but to +the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did not want to +go there. + +June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and +I spent the whole day with Frau Doktor M.; in the +afternoon Franke said: I say, why do you stick to +Frau Doktor like that? One can't get a word with +you. So then we went for a good walk through the +forest with Franke and she told us about a student +who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love +with her. For all students are in love with her, _so +she says_. We were not much interested in that, but +then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly +engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town +in Germany. Her cousin is Frau Doktor's dressmaker, +and she is quite certain of it. Her parents +are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are +frantically in love with one another and they intend +to marry. And then we asked Franke, since she is +a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, who +was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us +about the Jews. And Franke said: Oh yes, it is true +I can confirm it in every point. But it's not so bad +about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in +this matter." No doubt she's right, but it's horrible +to think that our lovely and refined Frau Doktor M +is going to have a cruel husband. Hella says that if +_she_ is satisfied, I don't need to get excited about it. +But perhaps she does not know that-- -- --. When +we came out of the wood the Herr Religionsprofessor +who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor M. called out: +"Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!" +And everybody laughed because we'd come back. +Father came to fetch Hella and me, and since it was +nearly 11 o'clock Hella stayed the night with us. It +was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry +because I could not have any more talk with Father. +When we were getting up in the morning we splashed +one another and played the fool generally, so that +we were nearly late for school. The staff was still +in high spirits, including Professor Wilke, about +whom we had not bothered ourselves all day; that is +he did not come until the afternoon when he came to +meet us on our way. We believe he is in love with +Frau Doktor M. too, for he went about with her all +the time, and it was probably on her account that +he came. None of the other professors were there, +for they were all taking their classes in the different +Gymnasiums. + +June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to +school to-day at 9 and suddenly we heard a tremendous +rattling with a sword; that is Hella heard it, +for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, +and she said: "Hullo, that's an o-- in a frightful +hurry, and looked round; "I say, there's Viktor behind +us" and he really was, he was saluting us and +he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; +you'll excuse me won't you, Fraulein Hella? He +always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice refined +kind of a man he is that he should know my friend's +name. Hella said directly: "Don't mention it, Herr +Oberleutenant, don't let me be in your way if it's +anything important," and she went over to the other +side of the street. He looked after her and said: +"What a lovely, well-mannered young lady your +friend is." Then he came back to the main point +He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an +answer to his letter, because she can't fetch it from +the post office, _poste restante_. Then he implored me +to enclose a letter from him in mine to Dora. But +since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him +it was not so simple as all that; but I knew of a +splendid way out of the difficulty; I would write to +Mother and Dora _at the same time_, so that Dora +could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not +noticing. Viktor was awfully pleased and said: +You're a genius and a first-class little schemer, and +kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the +"little." If one's is so _little_, one can't very well be a +schemer. From the other side of the street Hella +saw him kiss my hand. She says I did not try to draw +it away, but held it out to him like a grand lady and +even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of +good family do that sort of thing by instinct. It may +be so, for I certainly did not do it intentionally. +In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just the +ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora +with the enclosure, and took it to the post _myself_. + +June 16th. I've already got so used to being alone +with Father that I take it as a matter of course. We +often drive in the Prater, or go in the evening to have +supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella comes +with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora +will write. I forgot to write in my diary the other +day that I asked Viktor if he was really going to +New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything +of the kind, that had only been a false alarm +on the part of the Old Man. That's what he calls +his father. I don't think it's very nice of him, a +little vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can't +stand him. In fact Father does not like any officers +very much, except Hella's father, but then he's fairly +old already. I say, Hella mustn't read that, it would +put her in an awful wax; but her father really is at +least 4 or 5 years older than Father. + +June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don't +know what's the matter with her. We were all +frightfuly dull at school. The head took her classes +and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope +she has not got appendicitis, that would be awful. + +June 18th. _She_ isn't back yet. Frau Doktor +Steiner says she has very bad tonsillitis and won't +be able to come for at least a week. + +June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. +I'm furious. Not a word about my sisterly affection, +but only: "Many thanks for your trouble." It's +really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan't forget +this in a hurry. Hella says that she only hinted +at it like that to be on the safe side. But it's not +true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Father never +reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of +course. Yesterday was the first time I stayed away +from school since I went to the High School. Early +in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and a +headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better +as the day went on, but this morning I was worse +again. Most likely I shall have to stay at home for +2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, +but it really was not necessary. + +June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day +she wanted to begin talking once more about _various +things_, but I said I did not particularly care to hear +about such matters, and then she implored me never +to tell Mother and Father anything about what she +had said to us about the young married couple; she +said she would lose her place and she would be awfully +sorry to do that. + +June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there +might have been a frightful row; luckily Father was +out. At half past 6, when Hella and I were having a +talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone +out too to fetch something so I answered the telephone, +and it was Viktor! "I must see you to-morrow +morning early or at 1 o'clock; I waited for you _in +vain_ at 1 to-day." Of course, for I was still ill, that +is still am ill. But well or ill I must go to school +to-morrow. If Father had been at home; or even +Resi, she might have noticed something. It would +have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her +not to give me away. Hella was frightfully cheeky, +she took the receiver out of my hand and said: +"Please don't do this again, it's frightfully risky for +my friend." I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella +said he certainly deserved a lecture. + +To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall +wear my new white dress. It does look rather nice +after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I've taken +to wearing snails,"[3] Father calls them "cow-pats;" +but everyone else says it's exceedingly becoming. + + +[3] Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.--Translators' +Note. + + +June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he +came up to us and said: "Can a repentant sinner +be received back into grace?" And he gave each of +us a lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and +said: "I don't think we need make any secret before +your energetic friend." Really I did not want to +forward any more letters but I did not know how +to say so without offending him, for Dora's cheek +is not his fault, and I did not want to say anything +to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because Hella +was there. There can't be more than 2 or 3 times +more, so I shan't bother. But _Dora_ doesn't deserve +it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. She saw us together +the other day, and the next day she asked: +Where did you pick up that handsome son of Mars? +Hella retorted: "Don't use such common expressions +when you are speaking of Rita's cousin." "Oh, a +cousin, that's why he kisses her hand I suppose?" +Since then we only speak to Franke when we are +positively obliged. Not to speak to her at all would +be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak +only a little, she can't take offence. + +June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the +old one who always comes for Maths. He is so kind +and gentle that all the girls can answer everything; +we like him better than the one who comes for +languages. Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up +because he praised her. Good Lord, I've been praised +often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited. +Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I'd +been absent 4 days. Frau Doktor M. came back +to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, I don't +know why; it's such a pity that she does not let us +walk home with her, except last year when there was +all that fuss about Fraulein St.'s bead bag. She bows +to us all very politely when we salute her, but she +won't walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch +is horribly pushing and is always hanging +about on the chance. + +June 26th. It's really stupid how anxious I am +now at Communion lest the host should drop out of +my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly sick. +Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I +don't know of any, except that the accident which that +girl Lutter in the Third had made me even more +anxious that I was before. Hella says I'd better turn +Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; +for after Com. one feels so pure and so much better +than one was before. But I'm sorry to say it does not +last so long as it ought to. + +June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me +about it. He was awfully nice and said: If only +your Mother is spared to us. She is far from well. +Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with +Mother? And Father said: "Well, dear, it's a hidden +trouble, which has really been going on for a long +time and has now suddenly broken out." "Will she +have to have an operation?" "We hope we shall be +able to avoid that. But it's a terrible thing that +Mother should be so ill." Father looked so miserable +when he said this that I did my best to console him +and said: But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all +right, or why should she take them?" And Father +said: "Well, darling, we'll hope for the best." We +went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother +must take all possible care of herself, and that perhaps +in the autumn Aunt Dora would come here to +keep house. I asked Father, "Is it true that you don't +like Aunt Dora?" Father said: "Not a bit of it, +what put that idea into your head?" So I said: +"But you do like Mother much better, don't you?" +Father laughed and said: "You little goose, of course +I do, or I should have married Aunt Dora and not +Mother." I should have liked awfully to ask Father +a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss +Dora, especially in the evenings. + +July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school +to-day. Professor W., the traitor, did not come +because he had confession and communion in the +Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything +about the subject so there was no one to take his +class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor took it, he +had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. +But since the Jewish girls were there too, of course +there was no religion lesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. +had a chat with us. He asked each of us where we +were going to spend the summer, and when I said I +was going to Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ +to Rodaun! and several of the other girls chimed in: +_Only_ to Rodaun; why that's only a drive on the steam +tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally +go to Tyrol or Styria; I said so directly, and then +Franke said: Last year too, I think, you went somewhere +quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--, +and then she stopped and made as if she had never +heard of Hainfeld. Of course that was all put on, +but she's very angry because we won't speak to her +since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was +to learn what true friendship is. While I was getting +still more angry, Hella said: Rita's Mother is now in +_Franzensbad, the world-famous health resort_; she is +ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and see her at least once +a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and +said: Rodaun is a lovely place. The air there is +very fine and will certainly do your Mother a lot of +good. That's the chief thing, isn't it children? I +hope that God will spare all your parents for many +years. When the Herr Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, +whose Mother died last winter, burst out crying, and +I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. +Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because +I was annoyed because we were only going to Rodaun. +In the interval Franke said: After all, there's no +harm in going to Rodaun, that's no reason for crying. +But Hella said: "Excuse me, the Lainers can go +anywhere they please, they are so well off that many +people might envy them. Besides, her Mother and her +sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is +frightfully expensive, and in Rodaun they have rented +a house all for themselves. Rita is crying because she +is anxious about her Mother, not because of anything +you said." Of course we don't speak a word to Franke +now. Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did +not like her at all when she met her last year. Mother +has a fine instinct in such matters. + +July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but +Very Goods, except of course in ---- Natural History! +That was to be expected. What -- -- (I can't bring +myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. +Nearly all the girls who were still there brought Frau +Doktor M. and Frau Doktor St. flowers as farewell +tokens. This time, Hella and I were allowed to go +with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we +kiss her hand she always blushes, and we love doing +it. This summer holidays she is going to -- -- -- +_Germany_, of course; really Hella need not have asked; +it's obvious!!! + +July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. +We are going to meet them at the station. By +the way, I'd quite forgotten. The other day Father +hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and +when I lifted up my table napkin it fell out, and +Father said: In part payment of your outlay on +flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the +flowers did not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, +for though they were lovely ones, I only bought fresh +ones every other day. Now I shall be able to buy +Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to +the station or put them on her table. On the one +hand I'm awfully glad Mother is coming home, but +on the other hand I did like being alone with Father +for he always talked to me about everything just as +he does to Mother; that will come to an end now. + +July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I'm +especially glad about Mother; for one can see that +she is quite well again. If we had not taken the +house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, +for one can't deny it would be much nicer. Dora +looks quite a stranger. It's absurd, for one can't +alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite different; +she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. +I have had no chance yet to say anything about the +"trouble," and she has not alluded to it. In the +autumn she will have to have a special exam. for +the Sixth because she went away a month before the +end of term. Father says that is only pro forma +and that she must not take any lesson books to the +country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her +Mother and Lizzi are going first to Gastein and then +to stay with their uncle in Hungary. Life is dull +without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without +her I was simply bored sometimes in the evening, +at bedtime. Dora gives it out that in Franzensbad +people treated her as a grown-up lady. I'm sure +that's not true for anyone can see that she's a long +way from being a grown-up lady yet. + +July 11th. I can't think what's happened to Dora. +When she goes out she goes alone. She doesn't tell +me when she is going or where, and she hasn't said +a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is +back. To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train +of course, not by the steam tram. The day after +to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam +for his matriculation. He says that in every class +there are at least 1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch +in ours, he says they spoil the pitch for the +others, for, because of the swotters, the professors +expect so much more of the others and sit upon them. +This may be so in the Gymnasium, but certainly not +at the High School. For though Verb. is always +sucking up to the staff, they can't stand her; they +give her good reports, but none of them really like +her. Mother says the 13th is an unlucky day, and it +makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she +went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o'clock +Mass as usual. I never thought of praying for Oswald, +and anyhow I think he'll get through all right. + +July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he +is through, that is he has wired his favourite phrase: +Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did not worry +Mother as he did over the written exam., when he +made silly jokes all the time. He won't be home +until the 17th, for the matriculation dinner is on the +15th. Father is awfully pleased too. It's lovely here; +of course we have not really got a whole house to +ourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on +the first story; in the mezzanin a young married +woman lives, that is to say a _newly married couple!!_ +Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake +with horror and laughter combined. Resi must have +thought of it too, for she looked hard at Dora and +me when she told us. But they have a baby already, +so they are not really a newly married couple any +more. The landlord, who lives on the same floor as +us, is having a swing put up for me in the garden +for it is horrid not to have a swing in the country. + +July 16th. At last Dora has said something to +me about Viktor, but she spoke very coldly; there +must be something up; she might just as well tell +me; she really ought to seeing all that I've done. +I have not seen him since that last letter of June 27th; +that time something must have hap-- no that word +means something quite different, there must be something +up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted +with Gastein, she writes that the only thing wanting +is _me_. I can quite understand that, for what I want +here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to +ask whether we were not coming to H. this year; she +said she had such a frightful lot to tell me, and _she +wants my advice_. I shall be very glad to advise her, +but I don't know what it is about. + +July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- +But no, I must write it all out in proper order. Oswald +came home yesterday, he is in great form and said +jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he +would fall in love with her if she were not his sister. +Just before it was time to go to supper, Mother called +us in, and I was rather annoyed when I saw that it +was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper +in his hand as he often does when he comes back from +the office, and said: "Dear Oswald and you two girls, +I wanted to give you and especially Oswald a little +treat because of the matriculation." Aha, I thought, +the great prize after all! Then Father opened the +paper and said: "You have often wondered as children +why we have no title of nobility like the other +Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got +it back again for you Oswald, and also for you two +girls. Henceforward we shall call ourselves Lanier +von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles." +Oswald was simply speechless and I was the first to +pull myself together and give Father a great hug. +But first of all he said: "Do credit to the name." +Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully +long time, and then he said: Thank you, Father, I +shall always hold the name in trust, and then they +kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour +all through the evening, although Mother had ordered +roast chicken and Father had provided a bottle of +champagne. I am frightfully happy; it's so splendid +and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the +staff! I'm frantically delighted. To-morrow I must +write and tell Hella all about it. + +July 19th. I've managed it beautifully. I did not +want to write just: We are now noble, so I put it +all in the signature, simply writing Always your loving +friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi +about it first thing this morning, but Father scolded +me about that at dinner time and said it was quite +unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your +head. Nothing of the sort, but it's natural that I +should be frightfully glad and Dora too has covered +a whole sheet of paper writing her new name. Father +says it does not really make us any different from +what we were before, but that is not true, for if it were +he would not have bothered to revive the title. He +says it will make it easier for Oswald to get on, but +I'm sure there's more in it than that. Resi told the +landlord about it and in the afternoon he and his +wife called to congratulate us. + +July 20th. Oswald says he won't stay here, it's +much too dull, he is going for a walking tour through +the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to the Karawanken. +He will talk of Father as the "Old Man," and +I do think it is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely +_flippant_. + +July 24th. Hella's answer came to-day; she congratulates +me most heartily, and then goes on to write +that at first she was struck dumb and thought I'd gone +crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother had +already heard of it from her father for it had been published +in the Official Gazette. Now we are both noble, +and that is awfully nice. For I have often been +annoyed that she was noble when I was not. + +July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him +300 crowns for his walking tour, because of the matriculation. +I said: "In that case I shall matriculate +as soon as I can" and Oswald said: "For that one +wants rather more brains in one's head than you +girls have." What cheek, Frau Doktor M. passed the +Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner +passed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe +I shall show you that your sister can matriculate +too; anyhow you have always said yourself that +the chief thing you need to get through the matriculation +is cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: +"But we girls have not got cheek, we _study_ when we +have to pass an examination!" Mother wanted us +to make it up with him, but we would not. In the +evening Dora said to me: Oswald is frantically +arrogant, though he has had such a lot of Satisfactories +and has only just scraped through his exam. By the +way here's another sample of Oswald's stupidity; +directly after the wire: "Finis with Jubilation" +came another which ought to have arrived first, for +it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing +but the word "Through" [Durch]. Mother was frightfully +upset by it for she was afraid it really meant _failed_ +[durchgefallen], and that the other telegram had been +only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend +to such horseplay. Father always says Oswald +will sow all his wild oats at the university, but he said +to-day that he was not going to the university, but +would study mining, and then perhaps law. + +July 29th. It's sickeningly dull here, I simply +don't know what to do; I really can't read and swing +the whole day long, and Dora has become as dull as +she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does +she not quarrel, but she won't talk, that is she won't +talk about _certain things_. She is perfectly crazy +about the baby of the young couple in the mezzanin; +he's 10 months old, and I can't see what she sees to +please her in such a little pig; she's always carrying +him about and yesterday he made her all wet, I +wished her joy of it. It made her pretty sick, and +I hope it will cure her infatuation. + +Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that +will be a bit of a change. To-morrow we are going +to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan't want +our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that +we can get away at 2 or half past. Hella has sent me +to-day a lock-up box for letters, etc.!!! of course +filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to +tell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they +are only going to stay a month because it is frantically +expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and a bottle of beer 1 crown. +And the rolls are so small that one simply has to eat 3 +for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it's awfully +smart in the hotel, several grooms; then there are +masses of Americans and English and even a consul's +family from Sydney in Australia.--I spend most of +the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They +are called Max and Moritz, though of course one of +them is a bitch. That is really a word which one +ought not to write, for it means something, at least +in its other meaning. + + + +THIRD YEAR + +AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN + + + +THIRD YEAR + + +July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the +thirteenth. Mother gave me a clock with a luminous +dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course +that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; +embroidered collars; from Father, A Bad Boy's Diary, +which one of the nurses lent Hella when she was in +hospital; it's such a delightfully funny book, but +Father says it's stupid because no boy could have +written all that, a new racquet with a leather case, +an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis balls from +Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver +edge. Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket +of cherries, red ones, and a basket of currants and +strawberries; the strawberries are only for me for my +birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin +for winter blouses. In the afternoon we went to the +Par.-Berg. It would have been awfully jolly if only +Mother could have gone too or if Hella had been there. + +August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She +sends me many happy returns, for she thinks it is +on the 1st of August, and then comes the chief thing. +She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants +to escape from the cramping environment of her family, +she simply can't endure _the stifling atmosphere of +home_. She has been to St. P. to see the actor for +whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite +something and said she had real dramatic talent; he +would be willing to train her for the stage, but only +with her parents' consent. But of course they will +never give it. She writes that this has made her _so +nervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, +in fact she can't stand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ +am her last hope. She would like me to come to stay +with them, or still better if she could come and stay +with us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell +Mother about everything, and perhaps it might be +possible to arrange for her to live with us in Vienna +for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming +to the Raimund Theatre and she could begin her +training there. At the end of her letter she says that +it rests with my discretion and my tact to make her +the happiest creature in the world! I don't really +know what I shall be able to do. Still, I've made a +beginning; I said I found it so frightfully dull--if +only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or even Marina. +Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the +country, in Carinthia, and it's not likely that Ada will +be able to come. Father, too, is awfully sorry that +I find it so dull, and so at supper he said: Would +you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age +makes her a better companion for you than Dora. +You seemed to get on better together last year. And +then he said to Mother: Do you think it would +bother you, Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother +said, "Not a bit; if Gretel would like it; it's really +her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad, +Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our +little pet has not had anything for herself; would +you like it Gretel?" "Oh yes, Mother, I should like +it awfully, I'll write directly; it's no fun to me to +carry about that little brat the way Dora does, and +jolly as the Bad Boy's Diary is I can't read it all +day." So I am writing to Ada directly, just as if _I_ +had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall +be so frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada +really becomes a great actress, like Wolter whom +Mother is always talking of, then I shall have done +something towards helping Vienna to have a great +actress and towards making Ada the happiest creature +in the world instead of the unhappiest. + +August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything +to Ada about our having been ennobled, or as Dora +says _re-ennobled_, since the family has been noble for +generations; she will find out about it soon enough +when she comes here. Mother keeps on saying: +Don't put on such airs, especially about a thing which +we have not done anything particular to deserve. +But that's not quite fair, for unless Father had done +such splendid service in connection with the laws or +the constitution or something two years ago, sometimes +sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would +never have been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can't +see why Father and Mother should have made such a +secret about it last winter. They might just as well +have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to +give us a real surprise. And he did too; Dora's face +and the way Oswald cleared his throat!! As far as I +can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort +of a face I was making. + +August 3rd. I've found out now why Dora is so +different, that is why she is again just as she was +some time ago, before last winter. During the 4 +weeks in Fr. she has _found a real friend in Mother!_ +To-day I turned the conversation to Viktor, and all +she said at first was: Oh, I don't correspond with +him any more. And when I asked: "Have you had +a quarrel, and whose fault was it?" she said: "Oh, +no, I just _bade him farewell_." "What do you mean, +bade him farewell; but he's not really going to Amer- +ica, is he?" And then she said: "My dear _Rita_, +we had better clear this matter up; I parted from him +upon the well-justified wish of our _dear Mother_." +I must say that though I'm _awfully, awfully_ fond of +Mother, I really can't imagine having her as a _friend_. +How can one have a true friendship with one's own +mother? Dora really can't have the least idea _what_ a +_true friendship_ means. There are some things it's +impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, +I could not possibly ask her: Do you know what, +_something has happened_, really means? Besides, I'm +not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 +or 15 or 16, people may have used quite different +expressions, and the modern phrases very likely did not +then mean what they mean now. And what sort of a +friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You +must not go out now, the storm may break at any +moment, and just the other evening: Dora you _must_ +take your shawl with you. Friendship between +mother and daughter is just as impossible as friendship +between father and son. For between friends +there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what's +even more important is that one really can't talk about +all the things that one would like to talk of. All I +said last night was: "Of course Mother has forbidden +you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call +that a friendship? Then she said very gently: "No, +Rita, Mother has not forbidden me, but I recognise +now that it was thoughtless of me to talk to you about +those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite +soon enough." I burst out laughing and said: "Is +_that_ what you call the seriousness of life? Have you +really forgotten how screamingly funny we found it +all? It seemed to me that your memory has been +affected by the mud baths." She did not answer that. +I do hope Ada will come. For _I_ need _her_ now just +as much as _she_ needs _me_. + +August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada's coming, but +not directly because they begin their family washing +on the 5th and no one can be spared to come over +with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing +I'm sorry about is that _she_ will sleep in the dressing- +room and not Dora. But Mother says that Dora and +I must stay together and that Ada can leave the door +into the dining-room open so that she won't feel lonely. + +August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. +Dora is as mild and gentle as a nun, but she talks +to me just as little as a nun, and she's eternally with +Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some +one in Neulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. +Thank goodness Ada is coming to-morrow. Father +and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. + +August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada +is more than a head taller than I am; Father said: +Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I +suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady +now? And Ada said: Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; +please treat me just as you used to; I +am so happy to have come to stay with you." And +her mother said: Yes, unfortunately she is happy +anywhere but at home; "_that is the way with young +people to-day_." Father helped Ada out and said: +Frau Haslinger, the sap of life was rising in us once, +but it's so long ago that we have forgotten." And +then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if +she were suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm +and said under her breath: Can you imagine what +my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the night +here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about +everything under the sun (that's what Ada told me +just before we went to bed); but I did not pay much +attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I'm positively +burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to +talk to me about. To-morrow morning, directly after +breakfast! + +August 12th. For 3 days I've had no time to +write, Ada and I have had such a lot to say to one +another. She _can't_ and _won't_ live any longer without +art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. She +still has to spend a year at a continuation school +and must then either take the French course for the +state examination or else the needlecraft course. +But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in +her spare time she can study for the stage under Herr +G. She says she is not in love with him any longer, +that he is only a _means to an end_. She would sacrifice +_anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understand +what she meant by anything, but she explained +to me. She has read Bartsch's novel Elisabeth Kott, +the book Mother has too, and a lot of other novels +about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, +that _a woman cannot become a true artist until she +has experienced a great love_. There may be something +in it. For certainly a _great love_ does make one +_different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was +madly in love with Viktor, and the way she's relapsed +now!! She is learning Latin again, to make up for +lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her plans +because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she +mentioned before Dora that whatever happened she +wanted to come to Vienna in the autumn so that +she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: +You are making a mistake, even people who live in +Vienna don't go to the theatre often; for first of all +one has very little time to spare, and secondly one +often can't get a seat; people who live in the country +often fancy that everything is much nicer in Vienna +than it really is. + +August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when +Ada was having a bath Mother said to _us two_: "Girls, +I've something to tell you; I don't want you to get +a fright in the night. Ada's mother told me that +Ada is very nervous, and often walks in her sleep." +"I say," said I, "that's frightfully interesting, she +must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it always happens +when the moon is full." Then Mother said: "Tell +me, Gretel, how do you know about all these things? +Has Ada talked to you about them?" "No," said I, +"but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep +and Berta Franke told Hella and me about it." It +has just struck me that Mother said: how do you +know about all _these_ things? So it must have something +to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask +Ada, or whether she would be offended. I'm frightfully +curious to see whether she will walk in her sleep +while she is staying here. + +August 15th. Hella's answer came to-day to what +I had written her about the _friendship_ between +Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believe +either that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, +for it is no reason at all. Lizzi has never had any +particular friendship with her mother, and Hella +could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinks +I'm perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one's +parents, but there simply can't be any question of +a friendship. She would not stand it if I were so +changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can +never have had a true friendship, and that is why +she has taken up with Mother now. The Bruckners +are coming back on the 19th because everything is so +frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most +likely they will go to stay with their uncle in Hungary, +or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. For Hella's name +day I have sent her A Bad Boy's Diary because she +wanted to read it again. Now we have both got it, +and can write to one another which are the best bits +so that we can read them at the same time. + +August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in +her sleep_, probably we should never have noticed it, +but she began to recite Joan of Arc's speech from +The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once +and said: "I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her +sleep." We did not stir, and she went into the dining- +room, but the dining-room door was locked and the +key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, +and then she knocked up against Mother's sofa and +that woke her up. It was horrible. And then she +lost her way and came into our room instead of going +into her own; but she was already awake and begged +our pardon and said she'd been looking for the W. +Then she went back to her own room. Dora said we +had better pretend that we had not noticed it, for +otherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after +breakfast she said: "I suppose I gave you an awful +fright last night; don't be vexed with me, I often +get up and walk about at night, I simply can't stay +in bed. Mother says I always recite when I am +walking like that; do I? Did I say anything?" +"Yes," I said, "you recited Joan of Arc's speech." +"Did I really," said she, "that is because they won't +let me go on the stage; I'm certain I shall go off my +head; if I do, you will know the real reason at any +rate." This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, +but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, +and it's perfectly true what Dora has always said: +One never knows what Ada is really looking at. It +would be awful if she were really to go off her head. +I've just remembered that her mother was once in an +asylum. I do hope she won't go mad while she is +staying here. + +August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before +last. She is so glad that she had warned us, and +Dora says that if she had not known it beforehand +she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. +Father said: "Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has +inherited it from her mother." In the autumn Lizzi +is going to England to finish her education and will +stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and +sorry as I am for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, +and I'm really glad that she's going home again on +Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day: +Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because +he was once an officer in the army; she says +that all officers have venereal disease, as a matter of +course. At first I did not want to show that I did not +understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked +her and Ada told me that what was really amiss was +that _that_ part of the body either gets continually +smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or else +gets continually larger because it is so frightfully +swollen; the last kind is much better than the other, +for then an operation can help; a retired colonel who +lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for _this_; but +it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for +a man with a venereal disease, that a young girl should +_give herself_ to a man suffering from it! (Mad. often +said that too), then she gets the disease and he is +cured. That made Ada understand that she did not +really love A., but only wanted him to train her; for +she could never have done that for him, and she did +not know how she could propose _that_ to him even _if_ +she had been willing to. Besides, it is generally the +man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I +said: "But just imagine, what would you do if you +got a baby that way," and she said: "That does not +come into the question, for when a man has venereal +disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But +after all, only a woman who has had a baby can become +a true artist." Franke, who has a cousin on +the stage said something of the same sort to Hella +and me; but we thought, Franke's cousin is only in +the Wiener Theatre, and that might be true there; but +it may be quite different in the Burg Theatre and in +the Opera and even in the People's Theatre. I told +Ada about this, and she said: Oh, well, I'm only a +girl from the provinces, but I have known for ages +that _every_ actress has a child. + +23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read +us a passage from a splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, +even Dora said: "Ada, you are really phenominal!" +Then she flung the book away and wept +and sobbed frightfully and said: "My parents are +sinning against their own flesh and blood; but they +will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy +woman foretold of me last year: "A _great_ but _short_ +career after many difficult struggles; and my line of +life is broken!" That will all happen as predicted, +and my mother can recite that lovely poem of Freiligrath's +or Anastasius Grun's, or whosever it is "Love +as long as thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. +The hour draws on, the hour draws on, when thou +shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan." +Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to +bed I kept on thinking of it and could not go to sleep. + +August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about +the sleep-walking, and she said that it was really so, +when she walked in her sleep it was always at _that +time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it was +last year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten +her mother, when her mother had first told her she +would not be allowed to go on the stage. It does not +seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely to +gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone +is coming to fetch her home, and for that reason +she was crying all the morning. + +August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her +mother and Lizzi. Hella had a splendid time in +Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with +me, to tell me something important. That made it +rather inconvenient that Ada was still there. Hella +never gets on with Ada, and she says too that one +never really knows what she is looking at, she always +looks right through one. We could not get a +_single minute_ alone together for a talk. I do hope +Hella will be able to come over once more before she +goes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn +in Tyrol because an old friend of her mother's from +Berlin is staying there. + +August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father +came to fetch her. He says she has a screw loose, +because she wants to go on the stage. + +August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was +alone and I met her at the steam tram. At first she +did not want to tell me what the important thing was +because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she +got it out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since +Hella knows Lisel because they used to go to gym. +together, they had a talk, and that cheeky Robert said: +Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time +in er . . . er . . ., and then he pretended he could +not remember where it was; and he spoke of _that time_ +as if it had been 10 years ago. But the most impudent +thing of all was this; he said that I had not +wanted to call him Bob, because that always made me +think of a certain part of the body; I never said anything +of the kind, but only that I thought Bob silly +and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got +intimate): "Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer +that you should use my full name." I remember it as +well as if it had happened this morning, and I know +exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. +Hella took him up sharply: That may be all quite +true, we have never discussed such trifles, and, at that +time we were "all, _every one of us_, still nothing but +children." Of course she meant to include ----. I +won't even write his name. Another thing that made +me frightfully angry is that he said: I dare say your +friend is more like you now, but at that time she was +still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: +"That's not the sort of phrase that it's seemly to use +to a young lady," and she would not speak to him any +more. I never heard of such a thing, what business is +it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks +that I was not quite particular enough in my choice +of companions. She says that Bob is still nothing but +a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, Bob-- +Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; +that is if we ever speak of him at all. When we don't +like some one we shall call him simply Bob, or better +still B., for we really find it disagreeable to say Bob. + +August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, +Hella has gone to Hungary, and I hardly ever talk +to Dora, at least about anything _interesting_. Ada's +letters are full of nothing but my promises about +Vienna. It's really too absurd, I never promised any- +thing, I merely said I would speak to Mother about +it when I had a chance. I have done so already, but +Mother said: There can be no question of anything +of the kind. + +September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella's +father is going to take me to K-- M--in Hungary +to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted. Hella +is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her +father said: She can ask for anything she likes. +But she did not think of anything in particular, and +had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up +this wish. And after she had been here she wrote to +her father in Cracow, where he is at manoeuvres, +saying that if he would like to grant her her chief +wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to +take me with him to K-- M--; this was really the +_greatest wish_ she had ever had in her life! So Colonel +Bruckner called at Father's office to-day and showed +him Hella's letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the +State Railway terminus. Unfortunately that's a horrid +railway. The Western Railway is much nicer, and +I like the Southern Railway better still. + +September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I'm going +to Vienna alone and I have to change at Liesing, I +do hope I shall get into the right train. I got a letter +from Hella first thing this morning, in which she +wrote: "Perhaps we shall be together again in a few +days." That's all she said about that; I suppose she +did not know yet whether I was really coming. Mother +will have to send my white blouses after me, because +all but one are dirty. I'm going to wear my coat +and skirt and the pink blouse. I'm going to take +twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for +I'm going to write whatever happens, in the mornings +I expect, because in the holidays I'm sure Hella +will never get up before 9; on Sundays in Vienna she +would always like to lie in bed late, but her father +won't let her. + +But whatever happens I won't learn to ride, for it +must be awful to tumble off before a strange man. +It was different for Hella, for Jeno, Lajos, and +Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode +close beside her with his arm round her waist: but +that would not quite do in my case. + +September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like +Jeno best, he goes about with me everywhere and +shows me everything; Hella is fondest of Lajos and +of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, +for he was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year +Lajos will be a lieutenant, and this autumn Jeno is +going to the military academy, Erno has a slight limp, +nothing bad, but he can't go into the army; he is +going to be a civil engineer, not here, he is to go to +America some day. + +I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have +gone to S. on their cycles and I have never learned. + +It was lovely on the journey! It's so splendid to +travel with an officer, and still more when he is a +colonel. All the stationmasters saluted him and the +guards could not do enough to show their respect. +Of course everyone thought I was his daughter, for +he has always said "Du" to me since I was quite +a little girl. But to Ada Father always says "Sie." +We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever +it is called, and Hella's father hired a carriage and +it took us 2 hours to drive to K-- M--. He was +awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it +was only half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters +tumbling over each other to serve him. It s just +the same with Father, except that the stationmasters +don't all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished +too, but he is not in uniform. + +Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von +Kraics came yesterday from Radufalva, his best friend +left him the Radufalva estate out of gratitude, because +8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the +friend was in love. It's true, Colonel Bruckner says +that K. is a wretched milksop; but I don't think so +at all; he has such fiery eyes, and looks a real Hungarian +nobleman. Hella says that he used to run +himself frantically into debt, because every six months +he had an _intimacy_ with some new woman; and all +the presents he gave _reduced him almost to beggary_. +Still, it's difficult to believe that, for however fond a +woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not +quite see why that should reduce anyone to beggary. +Before we went to sleep last night Hella told me that +Lajos had already been "infected" more or less; she +says there is not an officer who has not got venereal +disease and that is really what makes them so frightfully +interesting. Then I told her what Ada had told +me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said: I doubt +if that's all true; of course it is more likely since he +was an actor, and especially since he was in the army +at one time, but generally speaking civilians are +_wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she could not stand that in +her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically; +that's a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, +and she would never marry a man who had not _lived_. +Most girls, especially when they get a little older; +want the very opposite! and then it suddenly occurred +to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why +Dora _bade farewell_ to _Lieutenant R_., and not the +_friendship with Mother_; it is really awfully funny, +and no one would have thought it of her. Hella's +father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. +Hella's uncle hardly ever says anything, and when he +does speak he is difficult to understand; Hella's father +says that his sister-in-law wears the breeches. That +would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. +"But not too much so" says Hella. She always gets +cross when her father says that about wearing breeches. +I got an awful start yesterday; we went out on the +veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found +Hella's great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. +She told me about him once, that he's quite off his +head, not really paralysed but only pretends to be. +Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when +she was only 9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her +a thrashing. But her uncle came in, and then he let +her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she is +awfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his +room, and he has a male attendant, because no nurse +can manage him. He ought really to be in an asylum +but there is no high class asylum in Hungary. + +September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus +this morning; the great uncle, the people here call +him "kutya mog" or however they spell it, and it +means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. +He can walk with a stick, our room is on the ground +floor, and he came and planted himself in front of +the window when Hella was washing and I was just +getting out of bed. Then Hella's father came and +made a tremendous row and the uncle swore horribly +in Hungarian. Before dinner we overheard Hella's +father say to Aunt Olga: "They would be dainty +morsels for that old swine, those innocent children." +We did laugh so, _we_ and _innocent children!!!_ +What our fathers really think of us; we innocent!!! +At dinner we did not dare look at one another or +we should have exploded. Afterwards Hella said to +me: I say, do you know that we have the same name +day?" And when I said: "What do you mean, it +seems to me you must have gone dotty this morning," +she laughed like anything and said: "Don't you see, +December 27th, Holy Innocents' Day!" Oh it did +tickle me. She knew that date although she's a +Protestant because December 27th is Marina's birthday, +and in our letters we used to speak of that deceitful +cat as "The Innocent." + +The three boys and I have begun to use "Du" to +one another, at supper yesterday Hella's father said +to Erno: "You seem frightfully ceremonious still, +can't you make up your minds to drop the "Sie?" +So we clinked glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and +I were standing at the window admiring the moon, +he said: You Margot, that was not a real pledge of +good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; +hurry up, before anyone comes, and before I could +say No he had given me a kiss. After all it was all +right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with +Lajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, +or Ilonka as they call her here. + +Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing +one another, and Lajos said: "Look Ilonka, they +are setting us a good example." We are so awfully +happy here. It's such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and +Lajos have got to leave for the Academy, where +Jeno is to enter and Lajos is in his third year: Erno, +the least interesting of the three, is staying till October. +But that is always the way of life, beautiful +things pass and the dull ones remain. We go out +boating every day, yesterday and to-day by moonlight. +The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we +are always terrified that it will upset. And then they +say: "You have your fate in your own hands; buy +your freedom and you will be as safe as in Abraham's +bosom." + +September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since +what happened the other day; whenever he sees us +he threatens us with his stick, and though we are +not really afraid, because he can't do anything to us, +still it's rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of +things, stories and sagas one has read. That is the +only thing I don't quite like here. But we are leaving +on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often +come to see the Bruckners; I'm awfully glad. I +don't know why, I always fancied that they could +only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though +they always speak it at home when they are alone. +Hella told me to-day for the first time that all the +flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday in hospital +had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell +me at that time because he wished her to keep it a +secret. This has made me rather angry, for I see +that I have been much franker with her than she has +been with me. + +September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we +stayed up till midnight last night. We had been to +N-- K--, I don't know how to spell these Hungarian +names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It +was lovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially +as it is raining as well. It's the first time it's +rained since I came. Partings are horrid, especially +for the ones left behind; the others are going to new +scenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything +is hatefully dull and quiet. In the afternoon +Hella and I went into Jeno's and Lajos' room, it had +not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. +Then Hella suddenly began sobbing violently, and +she flung herself on Lajos' bed and kissed the pillow. +_That_ is how she loves him! I'm sure _that_ is the way +Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable +of _such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and +intimate friendship with Mother_. Hella says she has +always been in love with Lajos, but that _her eyes were +first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me going about +together and talking to one another. Now she will +love Lajos for evermore. Next year they will probably +get engaged, she can't be engaged till she is 14 for her +parents would not allow it. It is for her sake that +he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars +best. They all _live frightfully hard_, and are +tremendously smart. + +September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back +In Vienna, and Father, Mother, and Dora came back +from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too funny; +since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep +Dora is afraid she has been _infected_. She does not +seem to know what the word really means! And while +I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept +in our room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. +Of course no one takes to walking in their sleep simply +from sleeping alone, but that was only a pretext; Dora +has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather a +coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If +Father had been afraid too, I suppose I should have +had to come back post-haste, and if I had been afraid +to travel alone, and there had been no one to come with +me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I +told them so. Father laughed like anything at my +"_combinations_," and Dora got in a frightful wax. +She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_ +she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love +enobles [veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about +that when he heard Hella say it once. He said: +You've made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say: +Love makes fools of people [vereseltl. Of course +that's because he's not in love with anyone. + +September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau +Doktor M. is perfectly fascinating, she looks splendid +and she said the same to both of us. Thank goodness +she's the head of our class again. In French we have +a new mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly +hideous, covered with pimples, a thing I simply can't +stand in any one; Hella says we must be careful never +to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch +them. In Maths and Physics we have another new +mistress, she is a Doktor too, and she speaks so fast +that none of us can understand her; but she looks +frightfully clever, although she is very small. We +call her "_Nutling_" because she has such a tiny little +head and such lovely light-brown eyes. Otherwise the +staff is the same as last year, and there are a few new +girls and some have left, but only ones we did not +know intimately. This is Franke's last year at the +Lyz., she will be 16 in April and has a splendid figure. +Her worst enemy must admit that. Dora is having +English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfully +pleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and +it will help her too in her matriculation. + +September 25th. Yesterday and the day before +Mother was so ill that the doctor had to be sent for +at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she is better +now. But on such days I simply can't write a word +in my diary; I feel as if I oughtn't to. And the days +seem everlasting, for nobody talks much, and it's awful +at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, lying on +the sofa. + +September 29th. I've had such an awful toothache +since the day before yesterday. Dora says it's only +an ache for a gold filling like Frau Doktor M.'s. Of +course that's absurd; for first of all, surely I ought +to know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and +secondly the dentist says that the tooth really is decayed. +I have to go every other day and I can't say +I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such +a frightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is +really very nice, if one could only understand better +what she says, but she talks at such a rate that in the +Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. +Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, +not even an endearing one. The only one that could +possibly be given to her is Angel, and that could not +be a real name, it's quite unmeaning. In the drawing +class we are going to draw from still life, and, best +of all, animal studies too, I am so delighted. + +October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were +coming home from the Imperial Festival, we met +Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see +us. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking +with 3 other officers whom neither I nor Hella know. +We were frightfully angry because he did not recognise +us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were +both wearing our big new autumn hats, which shade +our faces very much. + +October 11th. There was a frightful row in the +drawing lesson to-day. Borovsky had written a note +to one of her friends: The little Jewess, F. (that +means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia +with her horsehair pate with or without inhabitants." +Something of that sort was what she had +written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, +Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment +and seized the note. "Who is F.?", she asked, but +no one answered. That made her furious and she put +the note in her pocket. At 1 o'clock, when the lesson +was over, Borovsky went up to her and asked her for +the note. Then she asked once more: "Who is F.?" +And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help +Borovsky out, said: "She forgot to write Frau Doktor +Fuchs." Then the row began. I can't write it all +down, it would take too long; of course Borovsky will +be expelled. She cried like anything and begged and +prayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein +Scholl says she is going to give the letter to the head. + +October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up +with a chill, so Frl. Scholl gave the note to Frau +Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good because +Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, +and bad because Frau Doktor M. was frightfully +angry. She gave us a fine lecture about True Good +Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was +not mixed up in the business, for she did give Borovsky +and Fellner a rating. It's probably true, then, +that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that _she_ +above all should be going to have a cruel husband; +at least if all that Resi told us is true; and I expect +there is some truth in it. We are frightfully curious +to know whether the Nutling has heard anything +about it and if so what she will do. + +October 13th. I don't think the Nutling can have +heard anything for she seemed just as usual; but +Hella thinks and so do I that she would not show +anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow +it was horridly vulgar; one is not likely to pass it +on to the person concerned. Why we think she does +not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner +were called up. + +October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought +Dora's handkerchiefs with her monogram and the +coronet, lovely; I want some like them for Christmas. +And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, +these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the +coronet upon everything. By the way, here is something +I'd forgotten to write: In one of the first days +of term Father gave each of us one of his new visiting +cards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau +Doktor M. and Dora hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to +have the names properly entered in the class lists. +Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau +Doktor M. was awfully sweet. She said: "Well, +Lainer, I suppose you are greatly pleased at this rise +in rank?" And I said: "Oh yes, I'm awfully delighted, +but only inside," then she said: That's right; +"Religion, name, and money do not make the man." +Was not that charming! I write the v before my name +awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. +What a shame that she is not noble! _She_ would be +worthy of it!! + +October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, +he is to study mining, but _against_ Father's will. But +Father says that no one must be forced into a profession, +for if he is he will always say throughout life +that he only became this or that on compulsion. The +other evening Dora said that Oswald had only chosen +mining in order to get away from home; if he were to +study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get +away from Vienna, and that is the chief thing to him. +Besides, he is a bit of a humbug; for when he came +home from Graz after matriculation he said in so many +words: "How delightful to have one's legs under one's +own table again and to breathe the _family atmosphere_." +Dora promptly said to him: "Hm, you don't seem +to care so very much about home, for always when +you come home for the holidays the first thing you +do is to make plans for getting away." For she is +annoyed too that Oswald can travel about wherever +he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being +"_subjected to intolerable supervision"!!_ What about +us? He can stay out until 10 at night and _never_ +comes to afternoon tea, and in fact does just what he +likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just ever +so little late, there's a fine row. As for the lectures +poor Dora had to endure when Viktor was waiting for +her, I shall never forget them. Of course she denies +it all now, but I was present at some of them so I +know; otherwise he would not have called me "the +Guardian Angel." She behaves now as if she had +forgotten all about that, so I often remind her of it +on purpose when we are alone together. The other +day she said: "I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don't +speak any more of that matter; I have buried the +affair for ever." And when I said: "Buried, what +do you mean? A true love can't simply be _buried_ +like that," she said: "It was not a true love, and that's +all there is to say about it." + +October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in +the arithmetic lesson to-day. All of a sudden Hella +flushed dark red and I thought to myself: Aha, that's +it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has +it begun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me +directly, she will be 14 in February and _it_ will +certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said: Lainer, +what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came +up to the desk and took the black-line paper. "What +does that mean: Has it begun???" Perhaps she +really did not know what I meant, but several of the +girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in +a terrible fright. But Hella was simply splendid. +"Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked whether the +frost had begun yet." "And that's the way you spend +your time in the mathematics lesson?" But thank +goodness that made things all right. Only in the +interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably +stupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write +a thing like that for? _When_ it begins, _of course_ +she will let me know directly. As a matter of fact it +has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it will +be better to say "Endt," a sort of portmanteau word +of _developed_ [entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That +will really be splendid and Hella says that I happened +upon it in a lucid interval. It's really rather cheeky +of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one's +friend. She absolutely insists that I must never again +put her in such a fix in class. Of course it happened +because I am always thinking: Now then, this is the +day. + +November 8th. On Father's and Dora's birthday +Mother was so ill that we did not keep it at all. I +was in a terrible fright that Mother was seriously +ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won't even +think it; one simply must not write it down even +if one is not superstitious. Aunt Dora came last week +to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating, +for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse +just when we are away. As soon as she is able to +get up for long enough Father is going to take her to +see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it must +be true that Mother's illness comes from _that_. + +November 16th. Oh it's horrible, Mother has to +have an operation; I'm so miserable that I can't +write. + +November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she +wants us to go skating to take our thoughts off the +operation. But Dora says too that it would be brutal +to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation +in a few days. Father said to us yesterday +evening: "Pull yourselves together children, set your +teeth and don't make things harder for your poor +Mother." But I can't help it, I cry whenever I look +at Mother. + +November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since +Mother went away; we had to go to school and we +believed she would not leave until the afternoon, but +the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that +Father had arranged all that because I could not control +myself. Well, who could? Dora cries all day; +and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. + +November 28th. Thank goodness, it's all safely +over, Mother will be home again in a fortnight. I'm +so happy and only now can I realise how _horribly_ +anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother +at the hospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always +go all together, that is either with Father or with +Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does go to see +Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day +about the flowers, she behaves as if Mother were only +_her_ mother. On Thursday, the first time we saw +Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, although +the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunately +yesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we +were, and Father said that seeing so many people +at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must +go away. Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma +and Marina had better go away, but Aunt did not +understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt +come? We hardly ever meet since the trouble about +Marina and that jackanapes Erwin; only when there +is a family party; Oswald says it's not a family +gathering but a family dispersal because nearly always +some one takes offence. + +November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ +with Mother. At school I said I had an awfully bad +headache and asked if I might go home before the +French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother +was that Frau Doktor Dunker was ill, so we had no +lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies to an invalid, +but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella's mother always +calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, +because Frau Doktor Dunker has nothing to do with +the Fourth, so Dora won't hear anything about it. +Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able to see +_me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora +does go alone. Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara +said she was a perfect angel in goodness and patience. +Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe me. +At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything +about it, but when we were putting on our things +after dinner to go and see Mother I said en passant +as it were: "This is the second time I shall be seeing +Mother to-day." And when Dora said: What do +you mean? I said quite curtly: "One of our lessons +did not come off, and so I took the chance _too_ of being +able to see Mother _alone_." Then she said: Did the +porter let you in without any trouble? It surprises +me very much that such _very_ young girls, who are +almost children still, are allowed to go in alone. +Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: "Oh +well, nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both +of you_ can go alone to the hospital all right." On the +way we did not speak to one another. + +December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took +Mother a big flower pot, and tied to the stick was a +label on which Father had written; "Being ill is +punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense +of Section 7 the Mothers' and Housewives' Act." Mother +was frightfully amused. The doctor says she is going +on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in +a few days. + +December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the +evening when we were leaving the dining-room Father +said: "Gretl you have forgotten something. And +when I came back he took me by the hand and said: +"Why didn't you tell me that you want so much to +see Mother _alone_? You need not make such a secret +of it." And then I burst out crying and said: "Yes, +I need not keep it secret from you, but I don't like +Dora to know all about it. Did she tell you what +happened the other day?" But Father does not know +anything about my pretended headache, but only that +I wanted so much to see Mother alone. He was +awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying: +"You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you +always will be." But I got away as quick as I could, +for I felt so ashamed because of my fibbing. If it +were not for Dora I'm sure I should never tell any +lies. + +December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went +to see Mother in the morning, and Aunt and Dora +went in the afternoon. And since Father had to go +into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a +friend, I went on alone to see Mother and he came in +afterwards. Mother asked me about my Christmas +wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she +should get well and live for ever. I was awfully glad +that Dora was not there, for I could never have got +that out before her. Still, she made me tell her my +wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs +with "monogram and coronet," visiting cards with _von_, +a satchel like that which most of the girls in the _higher_ +classes have, and the novel Elizabeth Kott. But I am +not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified and +said: My darling child, that's not the sort of book for +you; who on earth put that into your head; Ada, I +suppose? From what I know of your tastes, it really +would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, +but I'm certain I should not find the book stupid. + +December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; +we did not know what time she was coming, but only +that it was to be to-day. And because I was so glad +that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three +songs, and Mother said: That is a good omen when +one is greeted with a song. Then Dora was annoyed +because _she_ had not thought of singing. We had +decorated the whole house with flowers. + +December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for +Mother and Dora is making her a footstool so that +she can sit quite comfortably when she is reading. +For Father we have bought a new brief bag because +his own is so shabby that it makes us quite ashamed; +but he always says: "It will do for a good while yet." +For a long time I did not know what to get for Aunt +Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace +fichu; for she is awfully fond of lace. I am giving +Hella a sketch book and a pencil case; she draws +beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora +I am getting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette +case with a horse's head on it, for he is frightfully +taken up with racing and the turf. + +December 16th. Owing to Mother's illness I've +had simply no time to write anything about the school, +although there has been a _great deal_ to write about, +for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again, +although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most +of the girls can't bear the Nutling because she makes +such favourites of the Jewish girls. It's quite true +that she does, for example Franke, who is never any +good, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and +Physics; and she lets Weinberger do anything she +likes. I always get Excellent both for school work +and prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but +Berbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is +no longer the favourite as she was with Frau Doktor +St. The other day it was quite unpleasant in the +Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happened +to be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would +be as a decimal fraction; so we went on talking about +recurring [periodic] decimals and every time she used +the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, but luckily +some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage +and simply screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St's +lesson in the First, some of the girls giggled at the +same thing and she went on just as if she had not +noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic +places_, and then one does not think of the real meaning +so much. Frau Doktor F. said she should complain +to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly behaviour. +But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella +and I simply exchanged glances and understood one +another at once. I can't endure that idiotic giggling. + +December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he's +fine. It's quite true that he has really had a moustache +for a long time, but was not allowed to grow it at the +Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes +every Saturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He +always says that at the Gymnasium everything manly +is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not a man +and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a +splendid moustache now. Hella did not recognise +him at first and drew back in alarm, she only knew +him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned +it up, and find that she has not seen him since the +Easter before last. At first he called her Fraulein, +but her mother said: Don't be silly. It did not seem +silly to me, but most polite!!! + +December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald +is home again and he really is awfully nice; he is +giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron group representing +a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground +some roe deer as if in a pasture. + +December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother +was very well yesterday, and it has not done her any +harm to stay up so long. I am so happy. We both +got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, +they have been made out of some earrings which +Mother never wears now. But the nice thing about +it is that they are made from her earrings. The satchel +and Stifter's Tales are awfully nice and so are the +handkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. +Hella gave me a reticule with my monogram and the +coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora and me +small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze +groups. We really need two writing tables, but there +is no room for two. So I am going to arrange the +little corner table as my writing table and have all +my things there. + +December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it +was really awful. Hella's mother is perfectly right; +when anyone looks like _that_ she ought not to pay +visits when she knows that other people may be there. +Hella told me the day before yesterday how frightfully +noticeable it is in her cousin that she is in an i-- c--! +Her mother was very much put out on her account +and she wanted to prevent Emmy's standing up. We +were simply disgusted and horrified. But her husband +is awfully gentle with her; She is certainly not pretty +and especially the puffiness under her eyes is horrid. +They say that many women look like that when they +are pr. She was wearing a _maternity dress_, and that +gives the whole show away! Hella says that some +women look awfully pretty when they are in an +i-- c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I +shall be one of the first kind, if I ever . . . No, it +is really horrible, even if it makes one pretty; when I +think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like +last summer, yet Father has always said she is a +a perfect beauty. Really no one is pretty in an +i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to +her room, and she said it had really been too much +for her and that she could not have stood it much +longer. And we went on talking about it for such a +long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. +On Sunday Emmy and her husband are coming to +dine with the Brs., and Hella begged me to ask her to +dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of +course she is coming here and thank goodness that +will save her from feeling ill. And then she said that +I must not think she wanted to come to us because of +Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understand +that perfectly well, and she does not need to make any +excuses to me. + +29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing +a new dress, a light strawberry colour, and it suited +her admirably. In the evening Oswald said: "two +or three years more, and Hella will look ripping." +It does annoy me so this continual _will_. Hella's +father simply said of me that I _was_ charming,, and not +that idiotic: I _was going to become_ charming. I do +hate the way people always talk out into the future. +However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. +In the afternoon, when Hella and I were talking about +him, I wanted to turn the conversation to Lajos, but +she flushed up and said he was utterly false, for since +October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, +just when they were going to the theatre. Of +course he says he does not care a jot about the visits +unless he can see her alone. She can't realise that +that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it +perfectly. But it is really monstrous that Jeno has +asked after me only once, quite casually. And he +really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But +that's what young men are like. The proverb really +applies to them: Out of sight out of mind. + +December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but +only in the morning for a quarter of an hour. Not +a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in +the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in +an appearance, though I'm sure she was at home. +He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has the same +lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well- +cut lips; but he is very tall and she is quite small +half a head shorter than Mother. We owe them a +call, but I don't much think that we shall go. + +December 31st. I really have no time, since this is +New Year's Eve, but I simply _must_ write. Dora and +I went skating this morning, and we met Viktor on +the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke +to us; Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her +and said that she must allow him to have a talk, so +he came skating with us since she would not go to +a confectioner's with him. She was certainly quite +right not to go to a confectioner's. Of course I don't +know what they talked about, but in the afternoon +Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye +to me; it's impossible that he can have forgotten, so +either I must have been too far away at the time, or +else Dora did not want him to; most likely the latter. +I'm frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately +in love with her. But she won't come to her senses +until it is too late. I don't think she has said a word +to Mother either. But all the afternoon she was playing +melancholy music, and that shows how much she +had felt it. + +January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write +because we had callers, pretty dull for the most part, +the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. is such a +stupid creature, and I don't believe she knows the +first thing about _those matters_; Annie is not quite +all there, Lotte is the only tolerable one. Still, since +we played round games for prizes, it was not as dull +as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite +nice boys. In the evening Mother was so tired out +that Father said he really must put a stop to all this +calling; I can't say I care much myself for _that_ sort +of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about +_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull +books whenever they have nothing else to say. School +began again to-day, with a German lesson thank goodness. +Though I'm not superstitious in general, I must +say I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing +in the morning we met two chimneysweeps, and without +our having tried to arrange it in any way they +passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck. + +January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday +evening -- -- -- --! She did not come to school +yesterday, for the day before she felt frightfully bad, +and her mother really began to think she was going +to have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of +that!!! She looks so ill and interesting, I spent the +whole afternoon and evening with her; and at first +she did not want to tell me what was the matter. +But when I said I should go away if she did not tell +me, she said: "All right, but you must not make +such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look +at me." "Very well," I said, "I won't look, but tell +me everything about it." So then she told me that she +had felt frantically bad, as if she was being cut in +two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, +and then she had frantically high fever and shivered +at the same time, all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- +tableau!! And then her mother told her the chief +things, though she knew them already. Earlier on +Friday the doctor had said: "Don't let us be in a +hurry to think about a relapse, there may be _other!!_ +causes." And then he whispered to her mother, +but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew +directly what time of day it was. She acted the innocent +to her mother, as if she knew nothing at all, and +her mother kissed her and said, now you are not a +child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. +How absurd, so _I_ am still a child! After all, on July +30th I shall be 14 too, and at least one month before I +shall have it too, so I shan't be a _child_ for more than +six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, +but she is really a little puffed up about it; she won't +admit that she is, but I noticed it quite clearly. The +only girl I know who did not put on airs when that +happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is +awfully shy, and before her father too. But her +mother has promised her not to tell him. If only one +can trust her!!! + +January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite +of everything_. I kept on looking at her, and in the +interval she said: "I have told you already that you +must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is +the second time I've had to speak to you about it. +One must not make a joke about such things." I was +not going to stand that. One must not look at her; +very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from +her; then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with +hers so that I nearly burst out laughing, and she said: +"Do look round, for that way is even stupider." Of +course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she +told Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly +that she felt very unwell, and that what she had said +to me was, she would have to go home at 12. All +the girls looked at one another, for they all know what +_unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella +had better leave directly, but she answered in French +--that pleases Dunker awfully--that she would +rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply +splendid! + +January 12th. We went to the People's Theatre +to-day to the matinee of The Fourth Commandment. +The parting from the grandmother was lovely; almost +everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying +because Dora was only two places from me, and +so did Hella, probably for the same reason. Anyway +she was not paying much attention to the play for in +the main interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, +came up and said how d'you do to Hella and her +mother. He wanted to go home with them after the +performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of +illness and if I had it I should never admit it. Those +illnesses in which one is swelled up are the nastiest +of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have +been invited to the Brs. and of course they asked me +too, I am so glad. + +January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, +we have such a frantic lot of work, especially in +French in which we are very backward, at least +Dunker says so!! She can't stand Madame Arnau, +that's obvious. For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a +great deal better, if only because she had no pimples. +And Prof. Jordan's History class is awfully difficult, +because he always makes one find out the causes +for oneself; one has to learn _intelligently!_, but that +is very difficult in History. No one ever gets an +Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, +but she learns out of a book, not our class book, but +the one on which Herr Prof. J. bases his lectures. +And because she reads it all up beforehand, naturally +she always knows all the causes of the war and the +_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something +quite different, and so Hella and I never dare look +at one another when he is examining us and asks: +What were the consequences of this event? Of +course the Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was +laughing at _him_ when she was only laughing at +_consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain, +especially to a gentleman!!!! + +January 20th. When Dora and I were coming +home from skating to-day we met Mademoiselle, and +I said how d'you do to her at once, and I was asking +her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when +suddenly I noticed that Dora had gone on, and +Mademoiselle said: "Your sister seems in a great +hurry, I don't want to detain her." When I caught +Dora up and asked her: "Why did you run away?" +she tossed her head and said: "That sort of company +does not suit me." "What on earth do you mean, +you were so awfully fond of Mad., and besides she +is really lovely." That's true enough, she said; but +it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all that-- +you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents' +backs _cannot possibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got +in such a fearful temper and said: "Oh do shut up. +Father and Mother did not know anything about +Viktor either, and you were happy enough then. It +is just the secrecy that makes one so happy." Then +she said very softly: "Dear Grete, you too will +change your views," and then we did not say another +word. But I was awfully angry over her meanness; +for first of all she wanted to hear the whole story, +although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she +pretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew +where to find Mad. I would warn her. Anyhow, this +day week at 7 I shall take care to be in W. Street, +and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has +a private lesson somewhere in that neighborhood. + +January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, +_in spite of_ the operation. I have decided that I +won't go on Sunday to the Brs. although Jeno will +be there, and that I won't wait about for Mademoiselle +on Monday. I have not told Hella anything about +this for she would probably say it was very stupid +of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora +has twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear +conscience_, but because I don't enjoy anything when +Mother is ill. + +January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she +asked Aunt Dora: "By the way, Dora, has Grete put +a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready for the +Brs. to-morrow?" Then I said: "I'm not going +Mother," and Mother asked: "But why not, surely +not on my account?" Then I rushed up to her and +said: "I can't enjoy anything when you are ill." +And then Mother was so awfully sweet, and she wept +and said: "_Such moments_ make one forget all pains +and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I'm +a good deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be +quite well again." So I answered: "All right, I'll go, +but only if you are _really_ well. But you must tell +me _honestly_." But in any case I shan't go to meet +Mademoiselle on Monday. + +January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at +school, so I could not write yesterday. We had a +heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides +ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. +Lajos is enough to give one fits; it was absolutely +ripping the way he imitated the wife of Major Zoltan +in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly +write about it, for my hand shakes so with laughing +when I think of it. And then, while Hella and Lajos +were singing songs together, Jeno told me that every +student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. +Mostly in Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt +though that is dangerous because of being caught. +All the officers know about it, but no one must be +found out. Then I told him about Oswald's affair +and he said: "Oswald was a great donkey, you'll +excuse me for saying so since he's your brother; but +really he made a fool of himself. He was only a +civilian; it's quite different in the army." Then I got +cross and said: "That's all very well, Jeno, but you +are not an officer yourself, so I don't see how you can +know anything about it." Then he said to Hella: +"I say, Ilonka, you must keep your friend in better +order, she is rather inclined to be insubordinate." +She is to make a written note of every act of +_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ +punishment. All very fine, but it will take two to that. + +January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle +really passed through W. Street again at 7 o'clock +on Monday, for she certainly said very distinctly: +"Au revoir, ma cherie!" She is so pretty and so pale; +perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous +about -- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder +whether she knows about certain means, but one +simply can't tell her. + +February 2nd. I've had a wonderful idea and +Hella thinks it a positive inspiration. We are going +to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about those +means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise +my writing. We think something of that sort +must have happened to Mademoiselle, for the other +day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: "If we had +known that, we should never have engaged her for +the children; it will be a terrible thing for her parents." +And Aunt Dora said: "Yes, those are the sort of +people who hide their disgrace under the water." It +seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ +child. And the worst of it is, that they know that she +has done _that_. We must help the poor thing. And +_that_ is why Dora is so indignant all of a sudden. But +how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in +Mademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly +have seen it, for Hella often says I've a keen eye for +it. That is quite true, I was the first person to notice +it in the maid at Prof. Hofer's, when even Father had +not noticed it. + +February 4th. Well, we nave written to her, at +least Hella has, saying there are _such_ means, and that +she will find all the details in the encyclopedia. We +have addressed it to F. M. and signed it "Someone +who understands you." Unfortunately we shall never +be able to find out whether she got the letter, but the +main thing is that she _should_. + +February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a +letter can give one! In the interval to-day the school +servant came up to me and said: Please are you +Fraulein Lainer of the Third. "There is a letter for +you." I blushed furiously, for I thought, it must +be from Mademoiselle, but my blushing made Frau +Berger think it must be from a young man: "Really +I ought to give it to the head mistress; I am not +allowed to deliver any letters to the pupils, but in +your case I will make an exception. But please remember +if it happens again I shall have to hand it +in to the office." Then I said: "Frau Berger, I am +quite certain it is not from a gentleman, but from a +young lady," and when she gave it to me I saw directly +that it really was not from a gentleman but only from +Ada! It really is too stupid of her! At the New +Year she reproached me for having broken my word, +and now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund +Theatre or at the People's Theatre whether Herr G. +is there; she says she can't live without him in St. P. +But in the holidays she told me that she was not +in love with him, that for her he was only _a means +to an end_. I'm absolutely certain she said that. +Nothing will induce me to go to enquire at a theatre +_office_, and Hella says too that to make _such_ a suggestion +is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her an +ordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have +got me into at school. I really think Ada has a bee +in her bonnet, as Father always says. + +February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! +I was sent for to the office to-day because the school +servant had complained that on two occasions I had +thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It's +quite true that I did drop one piece there yesterday, +but I pushed it out of the way with my foot into the +corner, and as for any other time I know nothing +about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. +Frau Berger thought I would give her some money +for that letter; just fancy, how absurd, money for a +letter like that, I wouldn't give 20 kreuzer for such +a letter. But since then she's been in a frightfully +bad temper, I noticed it on Wednesday when we were +wiping our shoes at the door. What I said to the +head was: It happened only once, and I kicked the +peel into the corner where no one could tread on it, +but I certainly did not do it twice, and Bruckner can +confirm what I say." Then the head said: "Oh +well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the +next time you drop something, please pick it up." +Frau Berger is furious, and all we girls in our class +have decided that while we won't make more mess +than we need, still, we shan't be too particular. If +any one of us happens to drop a piece of paper she will +just let it lie. Such cheek, one really can't stand it! + +February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have +not got any Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and +Excellent. Father and Mother are awfully pleased +and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed +Dora has practically nothing but Excellents, only +three Praiseworthies; but she studies frantically hard, +and she is learning Latin again with Frau Doktor M. +If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, +I shall go too, for that way we shall have her for +3 hours longer each week. By the way, Franke has +actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics, +though she's hardly any good. The Nutling seems to +give extraordinarily good reports, for twice in the +Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an Unsatisfactory, +and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. +With Frau Doktor M. one has really to deserve one's +report, and it was just the same last year with Fr. +Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr Prof. Jordan. +Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except +that deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. +are giving a great birthday party because of Hella's +14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are coming and the +two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them, +especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older +than Kitty, for they are _twins!!_ How awful!!! +They only came to the Lyz this year, and Hella meets +them skating every day, I don't because we have no +season tickets this year but only take day tickets when +we can go, because of Mother's illness. I am giving +Hella an electric torch with a very powerful reflector, +so that it really lights up the whole room, and an +amber necklace. + +February 14th. It's a good thing that we have +the half-term holiday to-day and to-morrow for that +gives me time to write all about yesterday. It was +simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many +happy returns quite early, and I stayed to dinner +and Lajos and Jeno had been invited to dinner too +in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought +a box of sweets, and 3 of Hella's girl cousins and two +boys, one of whom is frightfully stupid and never +speaks a word, and several aunts and other ladies, +for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did +not bother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi's +room, and Hella's room had been arranged for us. +Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers that +they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos +proposed a toast to Hella and another at tea. Hella +was splendid, and in the evening she said to me: "At +14 one really does become a different being." For +in proposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 +years a human being is completely changed, and Hella +thinks that is perfectly true. Thank goodness, _in 6 1/2 +months I shall change my whole being too_. There +really did seem to be something different about her, +and when we all had to blow to extinguish the candles +on her birthday cake, all except the life-light in the +middle, as a sign that the other years have passed, +she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in +joke or through awkwardness some one would blow +out her life-light. Thank goodness it was all right. +I don't much care for such things myself, for I'm +always afraid that something might happen. Of +course I know that it's only a superstition, but it +would have been horribly unpleasant if anyone had +blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella +an enormous _square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a +silver ring with a heart pendant. He wanted her +to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_ one--the +_wedding_ ring. But she can't because of her parents, +so she begged me to allow her to say that I had given +it her, but that would not do either because of Father +and Mother. _These_ things are such a nuisance, and +that is why no young man will ever go on living at +home where one is continually being questioned about +everything one has, and does, and wears. After tea +we sang: "Had I but stayed on my lonely Hearth" +and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, +and in the evening we danced while Hella's Father +played for us; and then Elwira, the tall cousin, +danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. +I've never known such a birthday party as yesterday's. +It's only possible in winter; you can never have anything +like it on my birthday, July 30th, for the people +one is fondest of are never all together at that time. +Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday +months, but always sometime between the end of Sep- +tember and June. I do wish I were 14, I simply +can't wait. Hella's mother said to Hella, You are +not a child any longer, but a grown-up; I do wish +I were too!!! + +February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All +the girls and all the staff are delighted with her. She +is so small she might be only 10, but awfully pretty. +She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don't +agree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown +eyes, a lovely mouth, and a complexion like milk and +roses. She is the daughter of a bank manager in +Hamburg; he shot himself, I don't know why. Of +course she is in mourning and it suits her wonderfully. +She has a strong North German accent. Frau Doktor +Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is +awfully fond of her too. + +February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day +with Anneliese. She is called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. +Her mother has been so frightfully upset by her +father's death that she'll probably have to be sent to a +sanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna +to stay with her uncle. He is a professor and they +live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora thinks her +charming too, the whole school is in love with her, +she is going to gym. with us; I am so glad. Of +course she won't stand near Hella and me because +she's so small; but we can always keep an eye on her, +show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. +Hella is a trifle jealous and says: "It seems to me +that Anneliese has quite taken my place in your +affections." I said that was not a bit true, but did she +not think Anneliese awfully loveable? "Yes," said +Hella, "but one must not neglect old friends on that +account." "I certainly shan't do anything of the +kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will +show her everything and explain everything." Besides, +the head mistress and Frau Doktor M. placed +her in front of me and said to us: "Give her a +helping hand." + +February 20th. It's such a pity that I can't ask +Anneliese here, for Mother has been in bed for the +last week. But she is going to Hella's on Sunday, +and since I am going too of course I am frightfully +glad. Naturally I would much rather have her here; +but unfortunately it's impossible because of Mother. +Dora thinks that Mother will have to have another +operation, but I don't believe it, for _such_ an operation +can only be done _once_. What I can't understand +is why there should be anything wrong with Mother +if the operation was successful. Dora is afraid that +Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I +don't believe she has, because if one has cancer one +can't recover. + +February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! +Anneliese did not come until 4, for they don't have +dinner until 3. She wore a white embroidered frock +with black silk ribbons. Hella's mother kissed her +with tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in +a sanatorium because is suffering from _nervous_ +disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle and aunt. +But she often cries because of her father and mother. +Still, she enjoyed herself immensely in the round +games, winning all the best prizes, a pocket comb +and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a negro +with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen- +wiper, a double vase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, +and a note book, Hella won a lot of things too, and so +did her two cousins and Jenny. + +Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the +Wacht am Rhein and a lot of folk songs; her voice is +as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I stayed till 8. + +March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in +vised to Anneliese's. I am so awfully glad. I shall +ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse +and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature +went up to 54 degrees to-day. + +March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese's. +She shares a room with her cousin; she is only 11 +and goes to the middle school, but she is a nice girl +I expected to find everything frightfully smart at +Professor Arndt's, but it was not so at all. They +have only 3 rooms not particularly well furnished. +He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their granddaughter, +she lives with them because her father is +in Galicia, a captain or major I think. It was not +so amusing as at Hella's. We played games without +prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for +the sake of the prizes, but what's the use of playing +if one does not win anything? Then they read aloud +to us out of a story book. But what Hella and I +found exasperating was that Anneliese's uncle said +"Du" to us both. For Hella is 14, and I shall be +14 in a few months. But Hella was quite right; in +conversation she said: "At the High School only +the mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to +say Sie." Unfortunately he went away soon after, +so we don't know whether he took the hint. Hella +says too that it was not particularly entertaining. + +March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; +of course Father has not told us so, but she has to +have another operation. Dora has cried her eyes out +and my knees are trembling. She's going to hospital +on Friday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday +and will stay here till Mother is well again. I do +so dread the operation, and still more Mother's going +away. It's horrible, but still lots of people have +cancer and don't die of it. + +March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. +Oh I am so glad! Everything is so quiet +in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the +passages. Mother said: "I don't want to stay here +any longer, let me go back to my children." We +went to see Mother in hospital every day and took +her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed +to eat anything during the first few days after the +operation. But it's quite different now that she's +home again. I should have liked to stay away from +school to-day, but Mother said: "No, children, go +to school, do it to please me." So of course we went, +but I simply could not attend to my lessons. + +March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks +frightfully ill and still has a lot of pain. I'm sure the +doctors can't really understand her case; for if they +had operated properly she would not still have pain +after the _second_ operation. I should like to know +_what_ Mother has been talking to Dora about, for they +both cried. Although Dora and I are on good terms +now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised +Mother not to speak about it. I can't believe that +Mother has told Dora a _secret_, but perhaps it was +something about marrying. For Dora only said: +"Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, +for my mind was quite made up in any case." I do +hate such hints, it's better to say nothing at all. As +soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia +for a change, and most likely Dora will go with her. + +March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia +next week. Dora thinks I envy her the journey, +and she said: "I would _willingly_ renounce the jour- +ney and the seaside if only Mother would get well +And this year when I have to matriculate, I certainly +should not go for pleasure." I'm so awfully miserable +that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair, +though red suits me best. I generally wear a black +one now, but since yesterday a brown one, for Mother +said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up that black ribbon; +it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all. Of +course I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so +I took the brown one and said the red ribbon was +quite worn out. + +April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so +gloomy at home for Mother is very bad. Oswald is +coming home to-morrow for the Easter holidays and +Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was +to have gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, +for this year they are probably going to take a house +for the summer in Mitterbach or Mitterberg near +Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don't +feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased +that I should not; for she said: "So I shall have all +my three darlings together here at Easter." When +she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out +of the room so that she might not see me. But she +must have seen, for after dinner she said: "Gretel, +if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners, I should +like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little +pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the +winter." And then I could not stop myself, and I +burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, I won't go +on any account. All I want is that you should get +quite well again." And then Mother cried too and +said: Darling, I'm afraid I shall never be quite well +again, but I should like to stay until you are all grown +up; after that you won't need me so much." Then +Dora came in and when she saw that Mother was +crying she said that Father had sent for me. He +hadn't really but in the evening she told me that +Mother's illness was hopeless, but that I must not do +anything to upset her or let her see what I was feeling. +And then we both cried a lot and promised +one another that we would always stay with Father. + +May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday +after Easter. We are all so awfully unhappy. Hardly +anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father speaks +to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay +here for good. It's not three weeks yet since Mother +was buried, but in one way we feel as if she had already +been dead three years, and in another way one +is always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to +ask her something or tell her something. And when +we go to bed we talk about her for such a long time, +and then I dream about her all night. Why should +people die? Or at least only quite old people, who +no longer have anyone to care about it. But a mother +and a father ought never to die. The night after +Mother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with +them, but I preferred to stay at home; but late in +the evening I did not dare to go into the hall alone, +so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door +into the drawing-room, where Mother was laid out, +but all the same it was awfully creepy. They did +not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; +I should have so liked to see her once more. Good +God, why should one die? If only I had been called +Berta after her; but she did not wish that either of +us should be called after her, nor did Father wish +it in Oswald's case. + +May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing +made me frightfully angry with Dora, at least not +really angry but hurt, that _she_ should have gone into +church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ +have always gone with Father and Dora has always +gone with Mother. And while poor Mother was in +hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral +Father went with her, and I had to go with Aunt +Dora. A few days later I spoke to her about it, and +she said it was quite natural because she is the elder. +She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, +that that would have been the proper thing. But he +went alone. Another thing that annoys me is this; +when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and +I sat on the same side of the table at dinner and +supper, and Aunt sat opposite Mother, and when +Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. +After she died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and +now for about a week Dora has been sitting in +Mother's place. I can't understand how Father can +allow it! + +May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. +For we had breast of veal, and we had had +the same thing on the day of poor Mother's funeral, +and when the joint was brought in I happened to +look at Dora and saw that she was quite red and was +sobbing frightfully. Then I could not contain myself +any more and said: "I can't eat any breast of veal, +for on Mother's burial day -- -- --," then I could +not say any more, and Father stood up and came +round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out +crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that +we should never have breast of veal again. For tea, +Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we had eaten +hardly anything at dinner. + +May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora's written +matriculation. Father wanted her to withdraw +because she looks so ill, but she would not for she +said it would be a distraction for her and that she +would like to finish with the High School. Next +year she is to go to a preparatory school for the Gymnasium. +She ought really to go to a dancing class, +for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is +quite impossible and of course she does not want to +go anyhow. The head thought too that Dora would +withdraw from the examination because she is so +overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The +staff were so awfully sweet to us after Mother's death, +at least the women teachers were. The professors +don't bother themselves about our private concerns, +for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau +Doktor Steiner, from whom we don't have any lessons +this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw plainly +that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. +was an angel as she always is! We did not go to the +spring festival on May 20th, though Father said we +could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were +awfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, +and indeed I shall never go to any more amusements. +No doubt the others enjoyed themselves immensely, +but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. +In the evenings I often fancy to myself that it is not +really true, that Mother has simply gone to Franzensbad +and will be back soon. And then I cry until my +head aches or until Dora says: "Oh Gretel, I do wish +you'd stop, it's awful." She often cries herself, I +can hear her quite well, but _I_ never say anything. + +June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother's death +as _a sign of God's displeasure against Father!_ But +what could _we_ have done to prevent it? She said, +Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have +done, and above all we had secrets from Mother. +That is why God has punished us. It's horrible, and +now that she is always speaking of the eye of God +and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid +to go into a dark room, because I always feel there is +some one there who is eying me and wants to seize +me. + +June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; +yesterday evening, when I opened the drawing-room +door and there was Father coming out, quite unintentionally +I gave a yell, and when Father asked +what was the matter I told him about God's displeasure; +only I did not tell him it was against him, but +only against Dora and me. And then Father was +frightfully angry for the first time since Mother's +death, and he told Dora she was not to upset me with +her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora nearly had an +attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent +for. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both +had to take bromide. To-day Father was awfully +kind to us and said: "Girls, you've no reason to reproach +yourselves, you have always been good children, +and I hope you always will be good." Yes, I +will be, for Mother's eye watches over us. Hella +thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day +whether perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I +would not talk about such things any more, that it +would be an offence to my Mother's memory. She +wanted to say something more, but I said: "No, +Hella, I simply won't talk about _that_ any more. You +can't understand, because your mother is still alive." + +June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want +to think any more about _such_ things, there comes an +affair of that very sort! I'm in a frightful mess +through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a +girl from the Second came in to our Mathematic les- +son and said: "The head mistress wishes to see +Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office directly. +All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. +When we came into the office, the door of the head's +room was shut and Fraulein N. told us to wait. Then +the head came out and called me in. Inside a lady +was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. +"Do you spend much time with Zerkwitz?" asked the +head. Yes, said I, and I had a foreboding. "This +lady is Zerkwitz's mother, she complains that you +talk about very improper things with her daughter; +is it so?" "Hella and I never wanted to tell her +anything; but she begged us to again and again, and +besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and +only pretended she didn't." "_What_ did you think +she knew, and what did you talk to her about?" broke +in Anneliese's mother. "Excuse me," said the head, +"I will examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned +in the matter too?" "Very seldom," said I; "Yes, the +chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose mother died +recently_." Then I choked down my tears, and said: +"We should never have said a word about these matters +unless Anneliese had kept on at us." After that +I would not answer any more questions. Then Hella +was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew +what was up directly she saw my face. "What have +you been talking about to Zerkwitz?" Hella would +not say at first, but then she said in as few words as +possible: "About getting babies, and about being +married!" "Gracious goodness, such little brats, and +to talk about _such_ things," said Anneliese's mother. +"Such corrupt minds." "We did not believe that +Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never +have told her anything," said Hella just as I had; +she was simply splendid. "As regards Alfred, we +have nothing to do with that, and we have often advised +her not to allow him to meet her coming home +from school; but she would not listen to us." "I am +talking about your conversations with which you have +corrupted the poor innocent child," said Frau von +Zerkwitz. "She certainly must have known something +about it before, or she would not have gone +with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us," said +Hella. "Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such +corruptness of mind!" Then we were sent out of +the room. Outside, Hella cried frightfully, and so +did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at +home. We could not go back into the Mathematic +lesson because we had been crying such a lot. In the +interval Hella walked past Anneliese and said out +loud: "Traitress!!" and spat at her. For that she +was ordered out of the ranks. I stepped out of the +ranks too, and when Frau Professor Kreindl said: +"Not you, Lainer, you go on," I said: "Excuse me, +I spat at her _too_," and went and stood beside Hella. +All the girls looked at us. It was plain that Frau +Prof. Kreindl knew all about it already for she did +not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 +to 12 Frau Doktor M. said: "Girls, why can't you +keep the peace together? This continual misconduct +is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble +for you and for your parents and for us." Just +before 12 Hella and I were summoned to the head's +room again. "Girls," she said, "it's a horrible +business this. Even if your own imaginations have been +prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt +others? As for you, Lainer, you ought to be especially +ashamed of yourself that such complaints +should be made of you when your mother has been +buried only a few weeks." "Excuse me," said Hella, +"all this happened in the spring, and even earlier, +in the winter, for we were still skating at the time. +Rita's mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz +was continually pestering us to tell her. I often +warned Rita, and said: "Don't trust her," but she +was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau +Direktorin, don't say anything about it to Rita's +father, for he would be frightfully upset." + +Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. +She does not want me to write that; we are writing +together. Hella thinks we must write it all down +word for word, for one never can tell what use it +may be. No one ever had a friend like Hella, and she +is so brave and clever. "You are just as clever," +she says, "but you get so easily overawed, and besides +you are still quite nervous because of your mother's +death. I only hope your father won't hear anything +about it." That stupid idiot dug up the old story +about the two students on the ice, a thing that was +over and done with ages ago. "You should never +trust anyone," says Hella, and she's perfectly right. +I never could have believed Anneliese would be such +a sneak. We don't know yet what was up with +Franke. As she came in she put her finger to her +lips, meaning of course "Betray nothing!" + +June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I +was at the blackboard in the Maths lesson, when there +was a knock at the door and the head came in with +the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come +about _that matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at +least the girls say I did; Hella says I looked like +Niobe mourning for her children). Thank goodness, +the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do +sums; in Maths and French I am the best in the class. +But the Herr Insp. saw that I had tears in my eyes +and said something to the head; then the head said: +"She has recently lost her mother." Then the Herr +Insp. praised me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs +begin to howl. The head said: "It's all right L., sit +down," and stroked my hair. She is so awfully +sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. +will say a word for me at the Staff Meeting. And +I do hope that Father won't hear anything of it, for +of course he would reproach me dreadfully because +it all comes so soon after Mother's death. But really +it all happened long before that. The way it all +happened was that Hella's mother went away to see +Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first +baby_. And then it was that we told the "innocent +child" (that's what we call the deceitful cat) everything. +Hella still thinks that the "innocent child" +was a humbug. That is quite likely, for after all +she is nearly fourteen; and at 14 one must _surely_ +know a great deal already; it's impossible that at that +age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, +as Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks +that I shall soon be "developed" too, because I always +have such black rings under my eyes. I overheard +Frau von Zerkwitz say, "Little brats;" but Hella +says that the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards +Hella was in fits of laughter over the expression +"little brats" for her mother always says +about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern +with such matters. Good Lord, when is one to +learn all about it if one does not know when one is +nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I +learned these things _very early_, and it has not done +us any harm. Hella's mother always says that if one +learns such things too early one gets to look old; but +of course that's nonsense. But why do mothers not +want us to know? I suppose they're just ashamed. + +June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone +to bed, Dora said: "What were you really talking +about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head +called me into the office to-day and told me that you +had been talking of improper matters. She said I +must watch over you in _Mother's place!_" Well that +would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when +Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what +children are talking of together. Dora thinks that I +shall have a written Reprimand from the Staff Meeting. +I should hate that because of Father; that would +mean another fearful row; although Father is really +awfully sweet now; I have not had a single rowing +since Mother first got ill. It's quite true that death +makes people gentle, but why? Really one would +have thought people would get disagreeable, because +they've been so much distressed. Last week the +tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I +should like to go alone to the cemetery once at least, +for one does not like to weep before the others. + +June 18th. The "innocent child" does not come to +gym. any longer, at least she has not been since _that +affair_. We think she's afraid, although we should +not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent +contempt_, she'll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And +thank goodness she does not come to play tennis. +I do hate people who are _deceitful_, for one never +knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright +cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear +out, don't tell such a frightful whacker; I was not +born yesterday. But one has no safeguard against +_deceitfulness_. That's why I don't like cats. We have +another name for the "innocent child," we call her +the "red cat." I think she knows. Day after tomorrow +is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so +excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. + +June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was +to come and fetch me. But she overslept herself, +so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had waited +for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. +Dora would not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by +electric car. At a quarter to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and +just before the ship weighed anchor (I believe one +ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but +it does not matter, I'm not Marina who knows _everything_ +about the navy), that is just at the right moment, +we arrived. They all stared at us when we +came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I +got out of the car, it was stupid; but I don't think +they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that for this one +day we had better put off our mourning, and Father +said so too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks +and Aunt Dora was awfully good and had made us +black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they +say that people wear mourning like that in America. +I do love America, the land of liberty. Boys (that +is young students) and girls go to school _together_ +there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat +we sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; +Hella was on the right and I was on the left, and we +sat so close that she said: "Girls, you're squashing +me, or at least you're crushing my dress!" She was +wearing a white frock and had a coral necklace which +suited her simply splendidly. When we were near +Hainburg Hella's hat fell into the Danube, and all +the girls screamed because they thought a child had +fallen overboard. But thank goodness it was only +the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a +lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except +Frau Doktor M. because she was so lovely; Professor +Wilke was with us, and he went about with her all +the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, +perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be +horrid. Hella thinks that is quite out of the question +because of the German professor; at any rate it would +be better for her to marry Professor W. than the +other, because he is said to be a Jew. "Still, with +regard to all the things that hang upon marriage, it's +the same with every man," said I. "That's just the +chief point, you little goose," said Hella. And Frau +Doktor M. said: "Do you allow your chum to talk +to you like that? What is the chief point?" I was +just going to say: "We _can't_ tell you _that_," when +Hella interrupted me and said: "Just because I'm +her chum I can talk to her like that; she would not +let anyone else do it." Then we went to dinner. +Unfortunately we did not sit next "_her_." We had veal +cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the +Herr Religionsprof. went by he said: "How many +weeks have you been fasting?" Before dinner we +went to the museum to see the things they had dug +up in the Roman camp. The head mistress and +Fraulein V. explained everything. It was most +instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch- +Altenburg. It was great fun at tea. Then we had +games and all the staff joined in, the Fifth had got +up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits +of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a +whole troop of officers of the flying corps, frightfully +smart, and one of them sat down at the piano and +began to play dance music. Another came up to the +head and begged her to allow the "young ladies" to +dance. The head did not want to at first, but all the +girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, and the +Herr Rel. Prof. said: "Oh, Frau Direktorin, let +them have the innocent pleasure," and so they really +were allowed to dance. The rest of us either danced +with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella +and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid +lieutenant and said: "May I venture to separate the +two friends for a little dance?" "If you please," +said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a +lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant +danced with Hella and in the evening on the way +home she said that the lieutenant had really wanted +to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with +my "If you please" and had placed my hand on his +shoulder. Of course that's not true, but it is not a +thing one would quarrel about with one's best friend, +and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately +we were not able to dance very long because +we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost forgotten, a +captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor +M., for they know one another. She blushed furiously; +so he is probably the man she will marry, and +not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor. +He would please me a great deal better. They were +all so awfully smart! Before we left a lieutenant +brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the officers +gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I +mean. Then something awfully funny happened. +There is a girl in the Sixth who looks quite old, as if +she might be 24, and "our" lieutenant offered her a rose +too. And then she said: "No thank you, I am not +one of the staff, I'm in the Sixth." Everyone burst +out laughing, and she was quite abashed because the +lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And +the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: "Tschapperl, you +might just as well have taken it." But really she +was quite right to refuse. I think there must have +been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the +lieutenant that she was a colonel's daughter. I wonder +if we shall ever see him again. + +I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora +told me yesterday that when I was dancing with the +lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to the Frau Direktorin: +"Do just look at that young Lainer; little +rogue, see what eyes she's making." Making eyes, +forsooth! I did not make eyes, besides, what does +it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did +not shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have +fallen down, and then everyone would have laughed. +And I don't like being laughed at. I hardly saw +Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. +She said very cuttingly: "Of course not, for after all +we _are_ in mourning, even if we did wear white dresses; +you are only a child, for whom that sort of thing +does not matter." _That sort of thing_, as if I had done +something dreadful! I don't love Mother any the +less, and I don't forget her. Father was quite different; +the day before yesterday evening he said: "So +my little witch has made a conquest; you're beginning +early. But it's no good taking up with an officer, +little witch, they're too expensive." But I would like +to have the lieutenant, I would go up with him in +an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. +In the religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. +came in he laughed like anything and said: "Hullo, +Lainer, is the world still spinning round you? The +Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since." +So I suppose he knows him. Still, I'm quite sure +that he has not lost his sleep on my account, though +very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name +is, perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would +suit him admirably! + +June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday +Aunt Alma came with Marina and that jackanapes +Erwin who was really responsible for all the row that +time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. +I don't think Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she +her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora are not particularly +fond of one another. It is so in most families, +the father does not care much for the mother's brothers +and sisters and vice versa. I wonder why? I wonder +whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he has, and what +she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown +hair or fair hair or black hair best. But about the +visit! Of course Marina and I were _very_ standoffish. +She is so frightfully conceited because she goes to the +Training College. As if that were something magnificent! +The High School is much more important, +for from the High School one goes on to the university, +but not from the Training College; and they don't +learn English, nor French properly, for it is only +optional. Aunt Alma knows that it annoys Father +when anyone says we don't look well, so she said: +"Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness +it's nearly over, and she won't get much out of it after +all, it's really better for a girl to become a teacher." +Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me: "Do you +dare me to spit on the carpet?" "You are ill-bred +enough to do it; I can't think why Marina, the future +schoolmistress, does not give you a good smacking," +said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: "What's the +matter children? What game are you playing?" "It's +not a game at all; Erwin wants to spit on the carpet +and he seems to think that would be all right." Then +Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled +a long nose at me behind Father's back, but I simply +ignored it; little pig, and yet he's my cousin! Kamillo +is supposed to have been just as impudent as Bub. But +we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as +an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not +suit Marina at all; there's a provincial look about her +and she can't shake it off. Her clothes are too long +and she has not got a trace of b--, although she was +17 last September; she is disgustingly thin. + +June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to- +day, in French this time. Frau Doktor Dunker is +always frightfully excited by his visits, and at the +beginning of the lesson she said: "Girls, the Inspector +is coming to-day; pull yourselves together; please +don't leave me in the lurch." So it must be true +what Oswald always says that the inspectors come +to inspect the teachers and not the pupils. "At the +inspection," Oswald often says, "every pupil has the +professor in his hands." Being first, of course I was +called upon, and I simply could not think what +"trotteur" meant. I would not say "Trottel" [idiot], +and so I said nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned +round and whispered it to me, but of course I was +not going to say it after her, but remained speechless +as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: "Translate +the sentence right to the end, and then you'll +grasp its meaning." But I can't see the sense of that; +for if I don't know one of the words the sentence has +no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to +have. If Hella had not been absent to-day because +of -- --, she might have been able to whisper it to +me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, +saying that no one could ever trust anyone, and that +I really did not deserve a One. "And the stupidest +thing of all was that you laughed when you +did not know a simple word like that." Of course I +could not tell her that my first thought had been to +translate it "Trottel." Unseen translation is really +too difficult for us. + +June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I'm on +tenter hooks to know whether I shall have a Reprimand, +or a bad conduct mark in my report. That +would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, +for her father has just gone away to manoeuvres in +Hungary or in Bosnia, and by the time he is back +the holidays will have begun and no one will be +bothering about reports any more. So I shall know +to-morrow. Oh bother, to-morrow is a holiday and +next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days I shall +have "to linger in suspense," but a different sort of +suspense from what Goethe wrote about. + +June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this +afternoon because of Dora's matriculation. The +Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an aunt, who +is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go +with them. In the evening we went to Turkenschanz +Park to supper, but there was nothing on. By the +way, I have not written anything yet about the +"innocent child" at the outing. On the boat she began +fussing round Hella and me and wanted to push +into the conversation, indirectly of course! But she +did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in +such matters; she simply seemed to look through her +Really I'm a little sorry for her, for she hasn't +any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella said: +"Haven't you had enough of it yet? Do you want to +be cooked once more with the same sauce?" And +when Hella's hat fell into the water and we were still +looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden we +found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a +fine lace shawl which she had brought with her for +the evening because she so readily gets earache. +"Wouldn't you like to use this shawl, so that you won't +have to go back to Vienna without a hat?" "Please +don't trouble yourself, I'm quite used to going about +bare-headed." But the _way_ she said it, like a queen! +I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter than I +am, but at such moments she looks just like a grown- +up lady. I told her as much, and she rejoined: +"Darling Rita, you can't _learn_ a thing like that; it's +_inborn_." She rather annoyed me, for she always +seems to think that an officer's daughter is a thing +apart. + +July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed +off without a public scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke +to me in the corridor, saying: "Lainer, you've had +a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been +raised on your behalf, I really don't know -- -- --." +Then I said: "I'm quite certain, Frau Doktor, that +you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct Mark." +And I kissed her hand. "Get along, you little baggage, +for the one part simply a child, and for the other +with your head full of thoughts which grown-ups +would do well to dispense with." + +After all, one can't help one's _thoughts_, and we shall +be more careful in future as to the persons to whom +we talk about _that sort of thing_. Here's another thing +I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got +back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came +to meet us at the station; Father was there too, and +so was the "innocent child's" mother. Thank goodness +Father did not know her. When we got out of +the train there was a great scrimmage, because we +were all trying to sort ourselves to our parents, and +suddenly I heard Hella's voice: "No, Madam, your +child is not in our bad company." I turned round +sharply, and there was Hella standing in front of +Frau von Zerkwitz who had just asked her: "Hullo, +_you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?" The +answer was splendid; I should never have been able +to hit upon it; I always think of good repartees after +the event. It was just the same that time when the +old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was +alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: +Impudent as a Jewess, or an impudent Jewess! It +was too absurd, for first of all it's not impudent to +make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow +because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella +finished up by saying to him: "No, you've made a +mistake, you are not speaking to one of your own +sort." + +We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora's +matriculation we are staying here until the 11th. +Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, and this +year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. +Hella had a splendid time there last year + +July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., +no, I can't write it plain out. In the middle of the +Physics lesson, during revision, when I was not thinking +of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in +with a paper to be signed. As we all stood up I thought +to myself: Hullo, what's that? And then it suddenly +occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella asked +me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, +if I'd had some sweets with me. I did not want to +tell her the real reason directly, and so I said: "Oh +no, I had nearly fallen asleep from boredom, and +when Fraulein N. came in it gave me a start." On +the way home I was very silent, and I walked so +slowly (for of course one must not walk fast +_when_ . . . ) that Hella said: "Look here, what's +up to-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have +you fallen in love without my knowing it, or is it +_at long last_ . . . .?" Then I said "_Or is it at long +last!_" And she said: "Ah, then now we're equals +once more," and there in the middle of the street she +gave me a kiss. Just at that moment two students +went by and one of them said: "Give me one too." +And Hella said: "Yes, I'll give you one on the cheek +which will burn." So they hurried away. We really +had no use for them: to-day!! Hella wanted me to +tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn't anything +to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn't_ tell. +It is really very unpleasant, and this evening I shall +have to take frightful care because of Dora. But I +must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--. It will +be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella's +case, first of all because she had such frightful cramps +before it began so that her mother knew all about it +without being told, and secondly because it was her +_mother_. I certainly shan't tell Dora whatever happens, +for that would make me feel still more ashamed. +As for a San-- T--, I shall never be able to buy one +for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be +awful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether +men really do know; I suppose they must know about +their wives, but at any rate they can't know anything +about their daughters. + +July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I +switched off the light _before_ I undressed, and then +Dora snapped at me: "What on earth are you up to, +switch it on again directly." "No I won't." Then +she came over and wanted to switch it on herself; "Oh +do please wait until I've got into bed." "O-o-h, is +that it," said Dora, "why didn't you say so before? +I've always hidden my things from you, and you +haven't got any yet." And then we talked for quite +a long time, and she told me that Mother had commissioned +her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Mother +had told her all about it, but she said it was better +for one girl to tell it to another, because that was +least awkward. Mother knew too that in January +Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It +was midnight before we switched off the light. + +July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went +to get our reports to-day and said good-bye to Frau +Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at the end +she said: "I hope that you won't give too much +trouble to my successor." At first we did not understand, +for we thought she only meant that it is always +uncertain whether the same member of the staff will +keep the same class from year to year, but then she +said: "I am leaving the school because I am going +to be married." It gave me such a pang, and I said: +"Oh, is it true?" "Yes, Lainer, it's quite true." And +all the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss +her hand. No one spoke for a moment, and then +Hella said: "Frau Doktor, may I ask you something? +But you mustn't be angry!" "All right, ask away!" +"Is it the captain we met in Carnuntum?" She was +quite puzzled for a minute, and then she laughed like +anything and said, "No, Bruckner, it is not he, for +he has a wife already." And Gilly, who is not so +frightfully fond of her as Hella and I are, said: "Frau +Doktor, please tell us whom you are going to marry." +"There's no secret about it, I am going to marry a +professor in Heidelberg." That is why she has to +leave the High School. It's simply ruined my holidays. +Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls would +not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to +walk home with her. Then she said: "My darling +girls, that's impossible, for I am going to Purkersdorf +to see my parents. And then Hella had her splendid +idea. The others said: "Please may we come with +you as far as the metropolitan?" and at length she +said they might. But Hella said, "Come along," and +we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and +took tickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able +to get back in plenty of time, and there we were waiting +on the platform when she came and when all the +girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then +we rushed up to her and got into the train which came +in at that moment. Of course we had second class +tickets, for Hella, being an officer's daughter, mayn't +travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always travels second +too. And we all three sat together on a seat for +two, though it was frightfully hot. She was so nice +to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and she +promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to +Hutteldorf. "Now, girls, you must get out." Then +we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_ Never +shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly +ride! As long as the train was still in sight we both +waved our handkerchiefs to her and she _waved back!_ +When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella looked +everywhere for her purse and could not find it; she +must have left it in the ticket office. Luckily I still +had all my July pocket money and so I was able to +pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was +the sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and +had only passed out through the second, so we had not +to pay so much; and no one knew anything about it, +there's no harm in that sort of cheating. Of course +we really did go back third, although Hella said it +would spoil the memory for her. That sort of thing +does not matter to me. We did not get home until +a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendous +scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the +library for Frau Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the +High School at 12, and there had been no one there. +We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone +part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was +leaving because of her marriage. Then Dora was +quite astonished and said: "Ah, now I understand." +The other day when she had to go into the room while +the staff meeting was on, the staff was talking about +an engagement, and Fraulein Thim was saying: "Not +everyone has the luck to get a university professor." +That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim +won't get one, not even a school porter. To-day, (I've +been writing this up for two days), I had such a +delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo, simply +heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking +than the reality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly +beautiful, with her lovely eyes and her spiritual +expression! Of course she has sent Hella a photo too. +We are going to have pocket leather cases made for +the photographs, so that we can take them with us +wherever we go. But we shall have to wait until after +the holidays because Hella has lost her money, and +nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares. +And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father +has some untearable transparent envelopes, and I shall +ask him for two of them. They will do as a makeshift. + +Dora's matriculation is to-morrow, she's quite +nervous about it although she is very well up in all the +subjects. But she says it's so easy to make mistakes. +But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he +was very much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear +Mother was frightfully anxious: "Pooh," said Oswald, +"I shall soon show them that there's no need +to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that's +the whole secret!" And then all he telegraphed was +"durch" [through] and poor Mother was still very +anxious, and thought that it might mean _durchgefallen_ +[failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_ +[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had +come. And father had brought two bottles of champagne +to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald's return. +There won't be anything of the sort after Dora's +matriculation because Mother is not with us any more; +oh it does make me so miserable when I think that +2 <1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --. + +July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having +her exam (she passed with Distinction), I went to +the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was +going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I +told Hella I was going with Aunt, and so I took the +tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to the cemetery. +People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. +There was no one in the place but me. I did not +dare to stay long, for I was afraid I should be home +late. It's a frightfully long way to Potzleinsdorf, and +it always seems so much further when one is alone. +And when I came away from the cemetery I took a +wrong turning and found myself in a quite deserted +street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of thing is +very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no +one of whom I could ask the way. Then by good luck +an old lady came along, and she told me I had only +to take the next turning to get back to the tram line. +And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came +along, so I got in and reached home long before +Dora. But in the afternoon Hella nearly gave me +away, quite unintentionally. But since they were all +talking about the matriculation I was able to smooth +it over. Now that Dora has finished her matriculation +she will have to tell me a great deal more about _certain +things_; she promised she would. Before the matriculation +she was always so tired because of the frightful +grind, but that is over now, and I never do any work +in the holidays. What are holidays for? Frau Doktor +Dunker has really given me only a Satisfactory, +it's awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn +from _her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce +me to bother myself about French now, for she has +a down on me, and when one's teacher has a down +on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it's +no good. It was so different with Frau Doktor M.!! +I have just been looking at her photo so long that my +eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up +about to-day: even when one had been stupid once +or twice, she never cast it up against one, never, never, +never -- -- the sweet angel! + +July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am +so glad. It is frightfully dull to-day, for Hella went +away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she is to +stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going +to Salzburg and perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to +Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see one another +again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I +can't go to K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay +in F. till the middle of September. I got my name day +presents to-day because they are things for the journey: +a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, +and half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow +black border, and an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge +bag of sweets for the journey from Hella. The world +is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall +marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: +"The most ardent _girl_ friendships are always broken +up when one of the two marries." I suppose because +the other one is annoyed because she has not married. +I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.'s +wedding! and I wonder whether she knows about +_everything_; very likely not, but if not I suppose her +mother will tell her all about it before she is married. +Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said +to her: "A girl always gets all sorts of false ideas +into her head; the reality is quite different." But +that is not so in our case, for we really know everything +quite precisely, even to the fact that you have +to take off every stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget +it!--Oswald is coming to F. on the 20th, for first +he is going to Munich for a few days. + +July 12th. It's lovely here; mountains and mountains +all round, and we're going to climb them all; +oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply can't keep +a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must +write to Hella at least every other day. We are staying +in the Edelweiss boarding house; there are about +40 visitors, at least that's what we counted at dinner. +There is a visitors' list hanging up in the hall, and +I must study it thoroughly. The journey was rather +dull, for Dora had a frightful headache so we could +not talk all through the night. I stood in the corridor +half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was +a frightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose +no one knew anything about it. The boarding +house is beautifully furnished, carpets everywhere; +there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We +are awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 +courses at dinner and two at supper. Flowers on +every table. Father says we must wait and see +whether they change them often enough. Father has +a new tweed suit which becomes him splendidly for +he is so tall and aristocratic looking. We have coats +and skirts made of thin black cotton material and +black lace blouses, and we also have white coats and +skirts and white blouses, and light grey tweed dresses +as well. For Father is really quite right: "Mourning +is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_." Still, for the +present, we shall wear black, but we have the white +things in case it gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a +cliff quite near the house, we picked a great nosegay +of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother's photo +with her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily +I forgot to bring mine. I should like to go +to the top of the Wildeck or one of the other +mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss +for oneself. But Father says that mountaineering is +not suited to our ages. The baths here always seem +very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein +said we should only bathe when the water is quite +warm. But apparently that won't be often. We have +not made any acquaintances yet, but I like the look +of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second +table from ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. +One plan ,has come to nothing. I wanted to talk to +Dora in the evenings about all sorts of _important_ +things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares +our room. Here's another tiresome thing; Father's +room has a lovely veranda looking on to the promenade, +while our room only looks into the garden. Of +course the view is lovely, but I should have liked +Father's room much better, only it is a great deal too +small for three persons; there is only one bed and +its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate that +sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding +house calls it _Empire!!_ I don't suppose she can ever +have seen a room furnished in real Empire style. + +July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk +yesterday she told me a great deal about Aunt Dora. +I never really knew before whether Uncle Richard was +employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient +there; but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and +is quite off his head and often has attacks of raving +madness. Once before he was sent to the asylum he +tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ +he did her a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don't quite +understand how, for Aunt Dora has never had any +children. And why on earth do they make such a +secret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to +think of it, no one ever wanted to talk about Mother's +illness. There's no sense in this secrecy, for in the +first place that always makes one think about things, +and secondly one always finds out in the long run. +At last Aunt Dora was so terribly afraid of Uncle +that she always kept the door of her bedroom locked. +It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging +maniac. Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora +is enough to drive one mad with her whims and +fancies. Of course he didn't mean that literally, but +I must watch carefully to find out what Aunt really +does to annoy anyone so much. Most likely it is +something connected with _this matter_. To my mind +Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and +yet Uncle Franz has never gone raving mad. Dora +says that Uncle Richard may go on living for another +20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt +Dora because she is tied to such a monster. Why +tied? After all, he is in an asylum and can't do her +any harm. Dora didn't know about all this before, +Aunt only told her after Mother's death. Dora thinks +it is better not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in +love_ with a man. And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ +In that case _that_ would be excluded. But I +always imagined a marriage contract was made because +of a dowry and money affairs generally; and +never thought of its having _such_ a purpose. Frau +Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two +years ago, had married under such conditions. But it +puzzles me, for if _that_ is what men chiefly want when +they marry, I don't see how any man can be satisfied +with a marriage contract. There must be a mistake +somewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, +for the Mayers were Jews. + +July 21st. No, I never should have thought that +Hella would prove to have been right in that matter. +I got a letter 8 pages long from Anneliese to-day. +That time when Hella had to stay at home for five +days she believed that Anneliese would make fresh +advances. But obviously she was afraid. So now she +has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the +only friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and +everybody likes me, and only you have turned away +from me in anger. What harm did I do you -- -- --? +After all, she did do me some harm; for there might +have been a fine row if it had not been for Frau +Doktor M., that angel in human form! She writes she +is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with her mother +at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I +forget which, I must look it up _if_ I answer her. For +I gave my word of honour to Hella that I would never +forgive the "innocent child." But after all, to write +an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from +meaning a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. +She says that there are absolutely no girls in Gratsch, +only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen, the youngest +is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull +myself. So I really will write to her, but I shall be +exceedingly reserved. She finishes up with: Listen +to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do not harden +your heart against one who has always loved you +truly. That is really very fine, and Anneliese always +wrote the best compositions; Frau Doktor M. used +often to praise them and to speak of her excellent +style, but later she really did not like her at all. She +often told her she ought not to be so affected, or she +would lose the power of expression from sheer affectation. +I shall not write to her immediately, but only +after a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve. + +July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their +names are Olga and Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; +I don't know their surname yet, but only that they +have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their +mother's hair is quite grey already, their father is not +coming until August 8th. We have arranged to go +for a walk at 4 o'clock this afternoon, to Brennfelden. + +July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every +day before dinner, for after dinner we all go with our +hammocks into the wood. After all I wrote to Anneliese +three days ago, without waiting, so as not to +keep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything +to Hella about it because I don't know how Anneliese +will answer. Hella says she is having a royal time +in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just +what she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 +sides including the signature so of course I did not +write to her as much as usual. + +July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the +Weiners; she thinks they are frightfully stuck up. +She says it's not the proper thing to wear gold bracelets +and chains in the country, above all with peasant +costume. Of course she is right, but still I like the +two girls very much, and especially Olga, the younger +one; Nelly puts on such airs; they go to a high school +too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has only +just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. +Dora says they will never set the Danube on fire. No +matter, leave it to others to do that. We enjoyed +ourselves immensely on our walk. I'm going to spend +the whole day with them to-day. Father says: +"Don't see too much of them; you'll only get tired +of them too soon." I don't believe that will happen +with the Weiners. + +July 29th. It's my birthday to-morrow. I wonder +what my presents will be. I've already had one of +them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of openwork +stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely +fine, and my feet look so elegant in them. But I must +take frightful care of them and not wear them too +often. Aunt says: "Perhaps now you will learn to +give up pulling at your stockings when you are doing +your lessons." As if I would do any lessons in the +holidays. + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + +AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + + +July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! +birthday; Olga thought that I was 16 or at least 15; +but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is _quite_ +agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for +after all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at +most. But as to feeling different, as Hella said she +did, I really can't notice anything of the kind; I am +merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now +call me a _child_. I do detest the word "child," except +when Mother used to say: "My darling child," but +then it meant something quite different. I like +Mother's ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall +wear it for always and always. When I was going +to cry, Father said so sweetly: "Don't cry, Gretel, +you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that would +be a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_ Besides the +ring, Father gave me a lovely black pearl necklace +which suits me perfectly, and is at the same time so +cool; then Theodor Storm's _Immensee_, from Aunt +Dora the black openwork stockings and long black +silk gloves, and from Dora a dark grey leather wristband +for my watch. But I shan't wear that until we +are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. +Grandfather and Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but +nothing has come from Oswald. He can't possibly +have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later. +Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At +dinner Aunt Dora had ordered my favourite chocolate +cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, why have we +got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came +out that it was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, +who knew it already, told most of the other guests +and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy +returns. Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, +and had given me a huge nosegay of wild flowers and +another of cut flowers. This afternoon we are all +going to Flagg; it is lovely there. + +Evening: I must write some more. We could not +have the expedition, because there was a frightful +thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o'clock. But we enjoyed +ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: +As I was leaving the dining-room in order to go to +the . . . ., I heard a voice say: May I wish you a +happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and there +behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, +whom I have been noticing for the last three +days. "Thank you very much, it's awfully kind of +you," said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had +to go. But he began speaking again, and said: "I +suppose that's only a joke about your being 14. Surely +you are 16 to-day?" "I am both glad and sorry to +say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as +old as he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go +to my room," said I hurriedly, and bolted, for +otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did not suspect the +truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will make her +laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a +view of Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite +sweets, filled with brandy. In her letter she complains +of the "shortness of my last letter." I must write her +a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the +first time where "Balder" sits; that's what I call him +because of his lovely golden hair, and because I don't +know his real name. He is with an old gentleman and +an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like +his, but she can't possibly be his sister for she is +much too old. + +July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, +and the father is a retired member of the Board +of Mines. The young lady is really his sister, and she +is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found +all this out from the housemaid. But I went about it +in a very cunning way, I did not want to ask straight +out, and so I said: Can you tell me who that white- +haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my +Grandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for +Father's Father has been dead 12 or 15 years, and +Mother's Father does not live in Vienna but in Berlin.) +Then Luise answered: "Ah, Fraulein, I expect +you mean Herr Oberbergrat Sch., von Sch. But I +expect Fraulein's Grandfather is not quite so grumpy." +I said: "Is he so frightfully grumpy then?" And +she answered: "I should think so; we must all jump +at the word go or it's all up with us!" And then one +word led to another, and she told me all she knew; +the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her +father won't let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ +has left home because his father pestered him so. He +is a student in Prague, and only comes home for the +holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet they +look perfectly happy except the daughter. By the +way, it's horrid for the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly +actually 15, and their mother is once more -- -- -- -- +I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both +in a frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: "It's +a perfect scandal;" they find it so awkward going +about with their mother. I can't say I'd noticed anything +myself; but they say it has really been obvious +for a long time; "_the happy event!!_ will take place in +October," said Olga. It really must be very disagreeable, +and I took a dislike to Frau W. from the first. +I simply can't understand how such a thing can happen +when people are so old. I'm awfully sorry for the +two Weiner girls. Something of the same sort must +have happened in the case of the Schs., for Luise has +told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister +not 32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 +years older, appalling. I'm awfully sorry for her because +her father won't let her marry, or rather would +not let her marry. I'm sure Father would never refuse +if either of us wanted to marry. I have written all +this to Hella; I miss her dreadfully, for after all the +Weiner girls are only strangers, and I could _never_ tell +my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms +now. Oswald is coming to-morrow. + +August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. +He comes and goes when he likes and where he likes. +A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, saying he was +not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, +Watzmann, glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father +did not say much, but I fancy he's very much annoyed. +Especially just now, after poor Mother's death, Oswald +might just as well come home. Last year he was +so long away after matriculation, quite alone, and +now it's the same this year. One pleasure after another +like that is really not the thing when one's Mother +has been dead only three months. The day after we +came here and before we had got to know anyone, +I went out quite early, at half past 8, and went alone +to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain +and some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in +many cases one can't decipher the inscriptions; there +was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat on a little +bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappi- +ness, and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my +eyes lest anyone should notice it. I was horribly annoyed +to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, she +wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, +to see if we can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma +always means by that very cheap, but above all it +must be in a private house; of course, for a boarding +house would be far too dear for them. I do hope we +shan't find _anything_ suitable, we really did not find +anything to-day, for a storm was threatening and we +did not go far. I do so hope we shall have no better +success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having +Marina here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt +Dora and Dora are both very much against their +coming. But Father said: That won't do girls, she's +your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All +right, we can _look for them_; but seeking and finding +are two very different things. + +August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look +for the rooms, and since Dora always makes a point +of finding what's wanted, she managed to hunt up 2 +rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. +The summer visitors who were staying there had to +go back suddenly to Vienna because their grandmother +died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. Dora +wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all +be delighted to see them, which is a downright lie. +However, I wrote a P.S. in which I sent love to them +all, and said that the journey was scandalously +expensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. +Owing to this silly running about looking for rooms +I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday afternoon or +this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder +either. And at dinner we can't see the Scharrers' +table because they have a table in the bay window, +for they have come here every year for the last 9 years. +I'm absolutely tired out, but there's something I +must write. This afternoon the Weiners and we went +up to Kreindl's, and Siegfried Sch. came with us, for +he knows the Weiners, who have been here every year +for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and +that annoyed me frightfully. So I said not a word, +but walked well behind the others. On the way home +he came up to me and said: "I say, Fraulein Grete, +are you always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict +the idea." I said: "It all depends on my +mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any +one." "Could you not change places at table with +your mother?" "In the first place, she is not my +Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, and in +the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had +better say it to my sister!" "Don't be jealous! +There's no reason for _that_. I can't help talking to +your sister when we're in company; but I can assure +you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous." +I wish I knew how I could manage that change of +places, but I always sit next Father; anyhow I would +not do it directly; next week at soonest. Farewell, +my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --. + +August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: You heart of +gold, so you are able to forgive my sins of youth? +The world shines with a new light since I received +your letter." I don't know that my letter was so forgiving +as all that, for all I said was that I was very +sorry she was so lonely in Gratsch, and that we could +not alter the past, so we had better bury it. She sends +me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told +one another when our birthdays were), and she sends +me a great pressed forget-me-not. She waited to +answer until it had been pressed. I don't know quite +what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt +give me very good advice, but I can't very well tell +him the whole story, for then I should have to tell +him why we quarrelled, and that would be awful. +I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must +write to-day, for it will be quite three days before I +can get an answer, and then 1 or two days more before +Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5 days at +least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, for +Father won't let us sit in the hall alone; I can't think +why. Generally speaking Father's awfully kind, +quite different from other fathers, but this is really +disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa after +dinner and read _Immensee_, for I've not had a chance +before. + +August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; +Marina in a dust-grey coat and skirt that fits her +abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand; Ferdinand is +going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the +Neustadt military academy; he's the most presentable +of the lot. Uncle was in a frightful temper, growling +about the journey and about the handbaggage, I think +they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I had +to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of +which she said that it contained the accumulated rubbish +of 10 years. Aunt Alma's appearance was enough +to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so high that +one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a +hat like a scarecrow's. When I think how awfully +well dressed _Mother_ always was, and how nice she +always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 years +younger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived +to be 80 she would never have looked like _that_. Thank +goodness, on the way from the station we did not meet +any one, and above all we did not meet _him_. For +once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding +house. We had two tables put together, and I seized +the opportunity to change my place, for I offered Aunt +Alma the place next Father and seated myself beside +the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, +Marina looked quite nice at dinner, for her white +blouse suits her very well, and she has a lovely +complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink in the +cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she +does her hair is hideous, parted and brushed quite +smooth, with two pigtails. I've given them up long +ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. +But "snails" suit me a great deal better. _He_ +looked across at me the whole time, and Aunt +Alma said: "Grete is blossoming out, I hope there's +not a man in the case already." "Oh no," said Father, +"country air does her such a lot of good, and when I +take the children away for a change I don't forbid +any innocent pleasures." My darling Father, I had +to keep a tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him +then and there. They were all so prim, with their eyes +glued to their plates as if they had never eaten rum +pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at +Marina, but of course she noticed nothing. They soon +put away their first helps, and they all took a second, +and then they went on talking. When we went to +our rooms I knocked at Father's door and gave him +the promised kiss and said: "You really are a jewel +of a Father." "Well, will you, if you please, be a +jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina +and the others?" I said: "Oh dear, I simply can't +stand her, she's such a humbug!" "Oh well," said +Father, "it may be a pity, but you know one can't +choose one's parents and one's relations." "I would +not have chosen any different parents, for we could +not have found another Father and another Mother +like you." Then Father lifted me right up into the +air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: "You +are a little treasure," and we kissed one another +heartily. I really do like Father better than anyone +in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite different, +she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I +like Aunt Dora too, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him +again. + +August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got +a postcard from Hella, with nothing on it but "Follow +your own bent, with best wishes, your M." When +we write postcards we always use a cipher which no +one else can understand, so that M. means H. It's +a good thing no one can understand it. Of course I +wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, +and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with +nothing more than: Have done so, with best wishes, +W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder what she will do. +Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, +and what he said was lovely. But I can't agree +that all fathers _without exception_ are tyrants. I +said: "_My_ Father isn't!" He rejoined: "Not _yet_, +but you will find out in time. However, anyone with +a character of his own won't allow himself to be +suppressed. I simply broke with my Old Man and left +home; there are other technical schools besides the +one in Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well +just look at Hulda; whenever anyone fell in love with +her the Old Man marred her chance, for no one can +stand such tutelage." "Tutelage, what do you mean," +said I, but just at that moment everyone got up to go +away. To-morrow perhaps, poor persecuted man. + +August 9th. Oh dear, it's horrible if it's all really +true what Hella writes about being infected; an erup- +tion all over the body, that is the most horrible thing +in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, and +since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, +I must _absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get +hold of a fragment of it. Above all now that Marina +is here, for you never can tell -- -- --. But I know +what I'll do; I'll copy the letter here, even if it takes +2 or 3 days. She writes: + +Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday's +postcard. If you were angry, you must make it +up with me. Consort with whom you please and +write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ +be on your own head. Father always says: Beware +of red hair! And I insist that the "innocent child" +has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like. + +Now I've got something much more important to +tell you. But you must promise me dirst that you will +tear up my letter directly you have read it. Otherwise +please send it back to me _un_read. + +Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married +woman living with her mother and her cousin, a girl +who is studying medicine; they are Poles and I have +always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. +The young wife has got a divorce from her husband, +for she was _infected_ by him on the _wedding night_. +Of course you remember what being _infected_ is. But +really it is something quite different from what we +imagined. Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption +all over her body and her face, and most likely all +her hair will fall out; is it not frightful? Her cousin, +the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is +there to _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about +it, she heard of it from the housemaid where they have +rooms. As you know, one can't talk to Lizzi about +anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more; +but the other day, when I went to buy some picture +postcards, I met the three ladies. The young wife was +wearing a very thick veil, so that one could see nothing. +They were sitting on a bench in the garden in +front of their house, and I bowed in passing, on the +way back. They bowed, and smiled in a friendly way. +In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was feeling +very bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard +some people talking on the veranda just outside my +window--the veranda runs all round the house. At +first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down +outside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish +student directly, and I heard her say to the wife of +the mayor of J.: "Yes, my unfortunate cousin's experience +has been a terrible one; that is because people +sell girls like merchandise, without asking them, and +without their having the least idea what they are in +for." I got up at once and sat down close to the +window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. +The mayor's wife said: "Yes, it's horrible +what one has to go through when one is married. +_My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- -- And +then I could not understand what she went on to say +I overheard this conversation on Thursday. But +that's not all I have to tell you. Of course my first +thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; +for she spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we +are both of us already _very much enlightened_, still, +as a medical student, she must know a great deal +more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And +since she said that girls ought not to be allowed to +_run blindly into marriage_, I thought she would probably +tell me a little if I went cautiously to work. +There was a word which she and the mayor's wife used +more than once, _segsual_ and I don't know what it +means, and I'm sure you don't know either, darling +Rita. She said something about _segsual intimacies_; +of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one +knows it has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual +mean? It must mean something, since it is used with +_intimacy_. Well, let me get on. On Saturday there +was a party, and the medical student came, and I +left my Alpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody +picked it up and turned over the pages, and the +word went round that the person to whom it belonged +must sing something. At first I did not let on, but +went out for a moment, and then came back saying: +I'm looking for my music book, I left it lying about +somewhere. There was a general shout, and everyone +said: We've agreed that the person to whom that +book belongs has got to sing. Now I knew that +Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing on +such evenings before. So I said: I shall be delighted +to sing, provided Fraulein K. will accompany me, +For you gentlemen play too loud for my voice. Great +laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were +introduced, and I thought to myself: You will soon +improve the acquaintance. On Sunday for once in a +way I got up quite early, at half past 6, for Fraulein K. +can only go out walking early in the morning since she +spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near +the Luisenquelle, so I went there with a book, and +as soon as she came I jumped up, said good-morning, +and went on: I'm afraid I've taken possession of +_your_ bench. "Not at all," she said, "Do you study +on Sundays?" "Oh no, this is only light reading," +I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book, for +in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck +was with me. She sat down beside me and said: +"What is it you are reading that you hide so +anxiously? I suppose it's something that your mother +must not know about." "Oh no," said I, "we have +not brought any such books to the country with us." +"I take it that means that you do manage to get them +when you are in town?" "Goodness me, one must +try and learn a little about _life_; and since no one will +ever tell one anything, one looks about for oneself to +see if one can find anything in a book." "In the +encyclopedia, I suppose?" "No, that's no good, for +one can't always find the truth there." She burst out +laughing and said: "What sort of truth do you +want?" "I think you can imagine very well what sort +of things I want to know." Of course one can speak +more plainly to a medical student than one can to +other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted or +angry but said: Yes, it's the same struggle everywhere. +Then I made use of your favourite phrase +and said: "Struggle, what do you mean? What I +really want to know about is being infected." Then +she flushed up and said: "Who's been talking to you +about that? It seems to me that the whole town is +chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see +that _I_ can't tell you that." But I answered: "If you +don't, who will? _You_ study medicine, and are seeing +and talking about such things all day." "No, no, my +dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made +me), you are still much too young for _that sort of +thing_." What do you think of that, we are too young +at 14 1/2, it's utterly absurd. I expect that really her +studies have not gone very far, and she would not +admit it. Anyhow, I stood up, and said: "I must +not disturb you any longer," and bowed and went +away; but I thought to myself: "A fig for her and +her _studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_'ll make!" +"What do you think about it all? We shall still +have to trust to the encyclopedia, and after all a lot +of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily +we know most things except the word segsual. Next +winter I expect we shall find it easier than we used +to to get to the bookcase in your house. I don't bow +to the silly idiot any more. + +But darling Rita, with regard to the "innocent +child," I don't want to influence you in any way, and +I shan't be angry with you for preferring an _unworthy_ +person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send +you half a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, +H. P.S. I have been 4 days writing this letter; tear +it up, _whatever_ you do!!! + +Now that I have copied the letter, I really can't see +why Hella wants me to tear it up. There's nothing +so very dreadful in it. But there is one thing I shan't +be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up +things in the encyclopedia. I think I should always +feel that Mother would suddenly come in and stand +behind us. No, I simply can't do it. + +August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have +been prevented writing about _my own_ affairs, although +they are far more important. Last Wednesday the +Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had +arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. +Dora did not want to go at first, but Father said that +if it would give _us_ pleasure, he would very much like +to go with us, and Mother would be only too delighted +to see that we were enjoying something once more. +And two days before the excursion Dora finally decided +that she would like to go; I knew why at once; +she thought that by that time all the places would +have been taken, and that we should have been told: +Very sorry, no more room. But luckily she had made +a _great_ mistake. For the secretary said: With pleasure; +how many places shall I reserve? and so we said: +7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), +Marina (very unfortunately), and the two +boys (no less unfortunately). "That will need an +extra conveyance," replied the secretary, and we +thought we should make a family party. But it was +not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman whom I had seen +once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous +amount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange +gentlemen, Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her +son, who is not quite all there; opposite was Hero +Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the +stage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother +(notwithstanding!!!), then I, and afterwards Marina, +Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. I +don't know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 +in the morning we all met outside the school, for the +schoolmaster acted as our guide. I did not know before +that he has two daughters and a son who has +matriculated this year. First of all they held a great +review, and the gentlemen fortified themselves with +a nip and so did some of the ladies; I did not, for I +hate the way in which a liqueur burns one's throat so +that every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make +such faces when they are drinking, that is why I never +drink liqueur. I did not care much about the drive +out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had +red noses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to +keep them red, for one looks simply hideous when +one's lips are white or blue, I noticed that in Dora +when we were skating last winter. Father went only +on our account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so +that Aunt Alma could go. Marina wears "snails" +now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Dora +gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can +say for myself. Only when we got out aid I notice +that Siegfried's sister, Fraulein Hulda, had been sitting +next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice, +and many, many years ago she must have been very +pretty; she has such soft brown eyes, and her hair is +the same colour as her brother's; but he has glorious +blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, +as he was when he was talking about his father. I +should tremble before him in his wrath. He is so tall +that I only come up to his shoulder. Father calls +him the red tapeworm; but that's really not fair. He +is very broad but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we +stopped for breakfast, eating the food we had brought +with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster +hurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to +walk. The two boys made a party with other boys, +and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, and Marina, +led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman's +wife from Hildesheim, or whatever it was called, and +with the schoolmaster's wife. It was _awfully_ dull at +first, so that I began to be sorry that I had begged +Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles +the schoolmaster's son and three bright young fellows +came along and walked with us. Then we had such +fun that we could hardly walk for laughing, and the +elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was +quite unrestrained, I could never have believed that +she could be so jolly. One of the schoolmaster's +daughters fell down, and some one pulled her out of +the brook into which she had slid because she was +laughing so much. I really don't know what time we +got to Inner-Lahn, for we were enjoying ourselves so +much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and we +were all frantically hungry. We laughed without +stopping, for we had all sat down just as we had come +in, although Aunt Alma did not want us to at first. +But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to +show Hero Siegfried that I could amuse myself very +well without him, for he had frozen on to the aspiring +actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don't know +which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were +sitting all mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, +and Father said next day we had spent a perfect +fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happened +later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think +Dora gave Marina 3 crowns, so that she could buy +some things too. But Dora never lets on about anything +of that sort. I must say I like her character +better and better; in those ways she is very like Mother. +Well, our purchases were all packed into two or three +rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle in Unter-Toifen +on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, +for Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we +started, and I still had a lot of my August pocket +money left, and now I've got only 40 hellers. After +we had had dinner and bought the things we lay +about in the forest or walked about in couples. I had +curled myself up for a nap when some one came up +behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his +hands over my eyes and said: "The Mountain +Spirit." And I recognised _his_ hands _instantly_, and +said: "Hero Siegfried!" Then he laughed like anything +and sat down beside me and said: "You were +enjoying yourself so much this morning that you had +not even a glance to spare for me." "Contrariwise +(I've got that from Dora), I never foist myself on +anyone, and never _hang around anyone's neck_." Then +he wanted to put his arm round my waist (and probably, +most probably, he would have kissed me), but +I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, +for before the gentlemen we pretend that we never +call one another anything but Thea and Rita. Father +says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable +for Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but +we keep to our arrangement. Then he raised my hand +to his lips and said: "Don't call!" But Dora came +up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, +who is a doctor of law belonging to the District Court +of Innsbruck, and Marina and one of the young men, +and I asked, "I say, when _are_ we going to have tea?" +"Just fancy, she is hungry again already," they all +said, and laughed like anything. And Dora looked +_frightfully_ happy. She was wearing an edelweiss +buttonhole which she had not been wearing before; in +the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. +If possible he is even taller than Hero Siegfried, for +Dora is taller than I am and her head only comes up +to his ear. At 3 o'clock the last party came up to the +belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was +lovely. But I must say I can enjoy a fine view much +better when I am alone, that is with Father or quite a +few persons; it is no good when there's such a crowd; +each additional person seems to take something more +away. In a lovely place and at the cemetery one must +be alone. For a beautiful view usually makes one feel +frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been laughing +so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. +If I were alone in Inner-Lahn I'm sure I should become +melancholy, for it is so gloriously beautiful +there. + +At 4 o'clock, after tea, we started back, for the +schoolmaster thought the descent would not take more +than two hours and a half, but we needed more than +three. For we were all very tired, and a great many +of them had sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had +said before, that it would be too much for Aunt; but +she had to come with us to take care of Marina, though +Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner, +who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben +but in Germany. One does not really find out +what a girl is like until one sees how she behaves with +a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about +_certain things_; as for the last, of course that's +impossible with Marina _since the experience_ we had. But +anyhow she is nicer than one would have thought at +first sight. It was lovely on the way home. Driving +back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. + +In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were +three students from Munich, they were awfully nice, +and we sang all the songs we knew; especially "Hoch +vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust," and "Forelle " +and "Wo mein Schatz ist," were lovely, and the people +in two different breaks sang together. And then some +of them sang some Alpine songs and yodelled till the +hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third +break were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one +of them. Aunt Alma had a frightful headache; it was +utterly idiotic for her to come, and we did not know +yet what was still to happen. At every house from +which a girl had come there was a serenade. And +next evening there was to be a great raffle of the +mementoes we had bought, but Father would not let us +go to that. + +August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don't +know what on earth to do, so I am writing my diary. +Besides, I have not written about the row yet. The +next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going +out and said to Father: Ernst, please let me have +a word with you. Now we all know Aunt Alma's _let +me have a word with you_. In plain language it +means: I'm going to make a scene. She began : Ernst, +you know I never like these big parties with a lot of +strangers, for no good can come of them. Still, I made +up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and +chiefly for the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody +asked her to; and Aunt Dora had to stay at home +on her account.) Do you know what sort of people +were in our company? That impudent young student +whom Gretel is always running after (did you ever +hear anything like it! I should like to know when +I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm +round _his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began +the acquaintance on my birthday) and that girl who's +training for the stage did not come home after the +excursion till the night was half over. God knows +where they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ +when they got home. (Naturally, for where could +they have had a wash.) His father gave the young +blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl's +mother takes her side. It would positively kill me to +think of _my Marina doing anything of the kind_." +Father was able to get a word in at last: "But my dear +Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as +I know these two people weren't in our break, isn't that +so girls?" I was glad that Father turned to _us_, and I +said: Siegfried Sch. and the girl drove in the fourth +break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme +chause where he drove and with whom he was driving." +(Of course that's not true, but I said it was because of +Aunt.) "Such language and such a tone to your own +Father!" Directly she said that Father was in such +a passion as I have never seen him in before. "My +dear Alma, I really must beg you not to interfere with +_my_ educational methods, any more than I ever attempt +to interfere in _your_ affairs." Father said this quite +quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora +told me afterwards that I was quite white too, also +from rage of course. Aunt Alma said: "I don't want +to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right +Goodbye." As soon as she had gone Dora and I +rushed to Father and said: "Please Father, don't be +so frightfully angry; there's no reason why you +should." And Father was awfully sweet and said: +"I know quite well that I can trust you; you are my +Berta's children." And then I simply could not contain +myself, and I said: "No, Father, I really did +flirt with Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm +round my waist; but I did not let him kiss me, I give +you my word I did not. And if you want me to I'll +promise never to speak to him again." And then +Father said: "Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time +yet for such affairs, and even if that _red-haired rascal_ +plays the gallant with you, he is only making himself +a laughingstock. And you don't want that, do you, +little witch?" Then I threw my arms round Father +and promised him _on my word of honour_ that I would +never speak to Siegfried again. For it really distresses +me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; +and that he should go out walking half the night with +that girl; such shamelessness! + +We were so much upset that we did not go for a +walk, and of course did not go to the raffle. But I'm +frightfully sorry about those things I paid 7 crowns +for. I do hope he did not win any of them. + +August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this +morning, as I was going to breakfast, in the corridor +I met S. (it's a good thing that is the initial both +of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called +him) and he said: "Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. +Why weren't you at the raffle? Hadn't you any +share?--"Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for it, +but I had no fancy for the company I should +meet."-- -- Why, what has taken you all of a +sudden? They were the same people as at the +excursion! -- -- -- "Precisely for that reason," said I, +and passed on. I think I gave him what for, for he +simply must have understood. Father is really quite +right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one's parents +to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a +word against my parents to anyone, although I'm +often frightfully angry with them; of course not about +Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father; +I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For +when we had that trouble with Aunt Alma about +Marina, I was really not in the least to blame, but he +scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so +that I can never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to +some one whom I had only just got to know, I would +never say a word against anyone in our family; though +I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said +much against her even to Hella; at most that she was +deceitful, and that really used to be so, though she +seldom is now. + +August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can't bear +the word filthy, but it's the only one that's strong +enough. Oswald is coming this evening, at last. +Thank goodness. S. has made several _advances_, but +I have _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who +can go out walking with him half the night. I really +_should_ like to know where they went. In the night, +I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a +dislike to S. from the first because he -- -- -- -- -- +it's an absolute lie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. +It's simply not true, on the contrary he has such +entrancingly cool hands, I'm sure I must know that +better than Dora. But I've known for a long time +that whenever anyone pays _me_ attention Dora is +_unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, on Sunday +I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must +answer it to-day. + +August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did +not forget my birthday, but he says that at that time +he was stoney, in student's slang that means that he +hadn't any money, and then he could not find anything +suitable, but that he will repair the omission as +soon as we get back to Vienna. But I don't know +what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until +we all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few +excursions _by ourselves_. That is really the best way +after all. I am not much with the Weiners now, for +we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But Nelly +is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our +table to-day, once about a book we had lent her, and +once to arrange for a walk. + +August 24th. It is really absurd that one's own +brother can think such a lot of one; but if he does, +I suppose he knows. Oswald said to me to-day: +Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you +are developing." I said: "I don't want anyone to +bite me, and he said: "Nor do I," but I was awfully +delighted, though he is only my brother. He can't +stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; +I think he's right, really. And I simply can't understand +Dr. P., that he can always find something to +talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to +me yet. Still, I don't care. + +August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, +and we had a lovely view. The two boys +came, for they had begged their father to let them; +but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. +Oswald calls Aunt Alma _Angular Pincushion_, but only +when Father isn't there, for after all she is Father's +sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said +that my brother was staying only a few days more, +and that this was a farewell excursion _en famille_." +They were rather hurt, but they have made me very +angry by the way in which they will go on talking +about S. in front of me, on purpose, saying that he is +engaged or is going to be engaged to the actress girl +against his father's will. What does it matter to _me_? +They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, +especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am +so sad now at times that I simply can't understand +how I could have enjoyed myself so much on the big +excursion. I'm always thinking of dear Mother, and +I often wear my black frock. It suits my mood better. + +August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to- +morrow. At least the old gentleman said to Father +the day before yesterday: "Thank the Lord, we shall +soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more." +That is what Hella's grandmother used to say before +they came back from the country. And to-day I saw +two great trunks standing in the passage just outside +Herr Scharrer's room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman +charming; well, there's no accounting for tastes. +I don't believe he's ever spoken to S., though he is a +German Nationalist too, but of a different section; +Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that +section frightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged +to the Sudmark. + +August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, +the whole family has gone. They came to bid us +goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left this +morning by the 9 o'clock train to Innsbruck. And his +hands are not clammy, I paid particular attention +to the point; it is pure imagination on Dora's part. +He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That's +a splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between +Hella and me. + +September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because +people are really beginning to stare at their +mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to me +she told me she hated having to travel with her mother +and whenever possible she would lag behind a little so +that people should not know they belonged together. + +September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! +S. has come back, alone of course. Everyone is indignant, +for he has only come back because of Fraulein +A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him +like anything. This afternoon Frau Lunda said to +Aunt Dora: "It's simply scandalous, and his parents +certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even +if the girl's mother does not know any better." Then +Oswald said: "Excuse me, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is +no longer a schoolboy who must cling to his mother's +apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy +of a full-grown German." I was so pleased that he +gave a piece of his mind to Frau L., for she is always +glaring at one and is so frantically inquisitive. And +_tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. used it once +when he was speaking of his sister and why she had +never married. Frau L. was furious. She turned to +Aunt Dora and said: "Young men naturally take +one another's part, until they are fathers themselves +and then they hold other views." + +September 8th. Thank goodness we are going +home the day after to-morrow. It really has been +rather dull here, certainly I can't join in the paean +Hella sang about the place last year; of course they +were not staying in the Edelweiss boarding house but +in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. It makes a lot +of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, it +has just occurred to me. The young wife who had +the eruption after _infection_ can't have been divorced, +as Hella wrote me the week before last; for her husband +has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the +Theatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that +actors really are all _infected_; and Hella always says +it is only officers! She takes rather an exaggerated +view. + +September 14th. We have been back in Vienna +since the 11th, but I have been absolutely unable to +write, though there was plenty to write about. For +the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to +fetch some cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was +Lieutenant R. Viktor, _the Conqueror!!_ Of course he +recognised me immediately, and was awfully friendly, +and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually +after Dora, but it is obvious that he is not in love +with her any more. And it was so funny that he +should not know that Dora had matriculated this +year and so would not be going to the High School +any more. I did not tell him that she intends to go +on with her studies, for it is not absolutely settled +yet. + +September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I +am so glad; I greeted her with: _Hail!_ but she said; +"don't be silly," besides, it's unsuitable for an Austrian +officer's daughter!!! Still, we won't quarrel about it +after 2 months' separation, and _Servus_ is very smart +too though not so distinguished. She told me a +tremendous lot more about that young married woman; +some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was _in +love_ with the husband. That would be awful, for +then she would get infected too; but Hella says she +did not notice anything, though she watched very +closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang +at two of the musical evenings, but she did not see +any sign of it. Lizzi is _engaged_, but Hella could not +write anything about it, for the engagement is only +being officially announced now that they are back in +Vienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in +London, and she met him there. He is madly in love +with her. In August he was on leave, and he came to +B. to make an offer of marriage; that is why they +stayed the whole summer in B. instead of going to +Hungary. Those were the _special circumstances_, +about which Hella said she could not write to me. +I don t see why she could not have told me _that_, I +should have kept it to myself; and after all, Lizzi +is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been surprised +that she is engaged at last. They can't have a great +betrothal party, for Baron G.'s father died in July. +Hella is very much put out. Lizzi says it does not +matter a bit. + +September 18th. Lizzi's betrothal cards arrived +to-day. It must be glorious to send out betrothal +cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, though +she said when I asked her: "Why do you flush up +so, surely there's no reason to be ashamed when anyone +is _engaged!_" "Really, why should you think I +am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_." But +one does not get so red as _that_ from surprise. + +September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, +for _she_ has gone. And what was the Third +is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sit in +the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau +Doktor St. as class mistress, and she is to teach us +mathematics and physics once more; Frau Doktor F., +whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to +call Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed +to the German High School in Lemberg. For the +time being we are sitting in our old place, but Hella +says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another +seat, for the memory of the three years when +we had Frau Doktor M. might make us inattentive. +That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, +in French I am sorry to say it's still Frau Doktor +Dunker, whose complexion has not improved, and in +English the head mistress. I am very pleased with +that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly +I shall be in her good books from the start because +Dora was her favourite. Of course I'm not learning +Latin, for it would not interest me now that Frau +Doktor M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion +teacher, for Herr Professor K. has retired, since he +was 60 already. + +September 21st. We have managed it. In the +long interval, Hella said to Frau Doktor St., who was +in charge. "Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask +for something?" So she said: "What, in the very +first week; well, what is it?" We said we should like +to move from the third bench towards the window, +for we found it very painful to go on sitting where +we had sat when Frau Doktor M., was there. At +first she refused, but after a while she said: I'll see +what I can do, if you are really not happy where you +are." From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, +and as soon as Frau Doktor Steiner had taken her +place she said: "This arrangement of your seats was +only provisional. You had better sit more according +to height." Then she rearranged us all, and Hella +and I were moved to the 5th bench on the window +side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our places; in +front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike +Hammer whose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. +We are awfully glad that we have got +away from that hateful third bench where _she_ used +so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the +desk. + +September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German +professor, came to-day for the first time. He is +always clearing his throat and he wears gold spectacles. +Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don't. I'm +quite sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German +again. Yesterday the new Religion master came +for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella being a +Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill +and his eyes are always lowered though he has burning +black eyes. Next time I shall sit beside Hammer +which will be company for us both. + +October 2nd. We had confession and communion +to-day, and since the staff will not allow us to choose +our confessors, I had to go to Professor Ruppy. I +did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell +me to speak louder three times over. When I began +about the sixth commandment he covered his eyes +with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask +any questions about that. The only one of the staff +who used to allow us to choose our confessors was +Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow it directly +but when one ran quickly to another confessional +box, she pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof +gives frightfully long penances; all the girls who +went to him took a tremendous time to get through. +I do hope he won't be so strict over his examinations +or I shall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. +October 3rd. Father was so splendid to-day! +Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked her not +long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau +Riedl, whose husband died almost exactly the same +time as Mother, for Father is guardian to her three +children. She was here to-day with Willi, because +he has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked +it over, and she said that if Father married Frau R., +she would leave home. In the evening when we were +at supper, I said: If only Frau v. R. was not so ugly. +Father, don't you think she's perfectly hideous? +And Father laughed so lovingly and said: You +need not be anxious, little witch, I'm not going to +inflict a stepmother on you." I was so glad, and so +was Dora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora +said: "I felt sure that you would never break your +oath to Mother," and she burst out crying. And +Father said: "No, girls, I did not give any promise +to your Mother, she would never have asked anything +of the kind. But with grown girls like you it would +never do to bring a stepmother into the house." And +then I told Father that Dora would have gone away +from home, and as for me, I should certainly have +been frightfully upset. For _if_ Father really wanted +_to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and +so would Dora. But Father said once more: Don't +worry, I certainly shan't marry again." And I said: +"Not even Aunt Dora?" And he said: "Oh, as +for her -- --" And then he pulled himself up and +said: "No, no, not even Aunt Dora." Dora has just +told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely I must +know that Father is not particularly charmed by +Aunt. And then she blamed me for having told +Father that she would leave home if he were to marry +again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrust +any secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least +three quarters of an hour, so it is already half past 11. +Luckily to-morrow is a holiday, because of the +Emperor's birthday. But I am so glad to know for +certain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R +I could never get on with a stepmother. + +October 9th. It's horribly difficult in German this +year. In composition we are not allowed to make +any rough notes, we have to write it straight off and +then _hand it in_. I simply can't. Professor Fritsch +is very handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of +him for he is so strict. His wife is in an asylum +and his children live with his mother. He has got +a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to +be a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. +Hella is perfectly fascinated by him, but I'm not in +the least. For I always think of Prof. W. in the +Second, and that's enough for me. I'm not going +to fall in love with any more professors. In the Training +College, where Marina is now, in her fourth year +one of the professors last year married a former pupil. +I would not do that at any price, marry a former +professor,: who knows all one's faults. Besides, he +must be at least 12 or 20 years older than the girl; +and that's perfectly horrible, one might as well marry +one's father; he would be at least fond of her, and +she would at least know the way he likes to have +everything done; but to marry one's former professor, +what an extraordinary thing to do! + +October 15th. I'm frightfully anxious that Hella +may have a relapse; she says that nothing would +induce her to have a second operation, especially now +that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That +would be awful! I did my best to persuade her to +tell her mother that she has such pain; but she +won't. + +October 19th. In November, Hella's father will +be made a general and will be stationed in Cracow. +Thank goodness she is going to stay here with her +grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only +go to Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the +summer holidays. She is frantically delighted. The +good news has made her quite well again. Everyone +at school is very proud that there will be a general's +daughter in our class. It's true that there is a field- +marshal's daughter in the Third, but he is retired. +Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over a +retired officer. + +October 22nd. We are so much excited that we've +hardly any time to learn our lessons. At Christmas +last year some one gave Hella's mother several of +Geierstamm's novels. The other day one of them +was lying on the table, and when her mother was out +Hella had a hurried look at it and read the title _The +Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finished +it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, +and now we are reading it. It's simply wonderful! +It keeps me awake all night; Signe whom he is so +passionately fond of and who deceives him. We +cried so much that we could not go on reading. And +Gretchen, the girl, to whom her father is everything; +I can understand so well that she is always anxious +lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, +although she has a husband already. And when she +dies, oh, it's so horrible and so beautiful that we read +it over three times in succession. The other day +my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said +I must be working too hard; for she thinks that Hella +and I are studying literature together. Oh dear, lessons +are an awful nuisance when one has _such_ books +to read. + +October 24th. When I look at Father I always +think of the novel _The Power of Woman_; of course +leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes she'll be +able to get hold of some other book, but it's not so +easy to do without her mother finding it out, for she +often lends books to her friends. Then there would +be an awful row. We certainly don't want to read +_The Little Brother's Book_, the title does not attract +us; but there's a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, +it must be splendid; we _must_ get that whatever happens. + +October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep +on their flat, and Hella's grandmother will come and +live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ is going to C., +and of course Hella's mother too. Lizzi will stay, +for she is taking cooking lessons, since she is to be +_married_ in Mid-Lent. + +October 31st. Hella's parents left to-day, she +cried frightfully, for she did so want to go with them. +Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she is engaged already, +and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, +either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care +which. + +November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were +furious in the German lesson to-day. One or two of +the girls did not know the proper places for commas, +and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing +at all in previous years. We understood perfectly +well that he was aiming at Frau Doktor M., whose +German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times better +than Professor F.'s. And on this very matter of +punctuation Frau Doktor M. took a tremendous lot +of trouble and gave us lots of examples. Besides, +whether one has a good style or not does not depend +upon whether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. +The two Ehrenfelds, who towards the end were awfully +fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who were Frau +Doktor M.'s favourites, ought to write a composition +without a single comma, just to show him. That's a +splendid idea, and Hella and I will do it like a shot +if only the others can be trusted to do it too. + +November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ +have at least two outings every month, even in winter. +If that had been decided in the last school year, when +Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly +have gone every time. But this year, when she has +left, we can't enjoy it. Frau Doktor St. is awfully +nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go +somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes +with us, and Lizzi if she likes. As soon as the snow +comes we are going to have tobogganing parties at +Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. + +December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed +without my writing, but I must write to-day! There's +been such a row in the German lesson!! We got +back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 +Ehrenfelds, Brauner, Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, +had not put a single comma. Nothing would have +been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in +commas first and then scratched them out. We had +agreed that if the Prof. noticed anything we would +say we had meant to go through them together before +the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, +but that we had had no time. Now the silly fool +has given away the whole show. He is going to bring +the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, +it's simply _impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad +conduct mark. + +December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect +the German lesson to-day. Afterwards she said that +she expected us to make all the knowledge which +Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the +firm foundation of our further development in the +higher classes. In the English lesson she referred +to the more restricted use of punctuation marks in +English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned +to the office. The whole school knew about the trouble +and was astonished at our courage, especially the lower +classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were rather annoyed +that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head +gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled +piece of impudence, and that we were not doing +credit to Frau Doktor M. Then Hella said very modestly: +"Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to +say a word in our defence?" Then she explained that +Prof. Fritsch never missed a chance of casting a slur +upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain words of course, +but so that we could not fail to understand it, and that +was why we acted as we did. The head answered we +must certainly be mistaken, that no member of the +staff could ever speak against another in such a way +we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we +know perfectly well how often the Nutling used to +say in the Maths lesson: "Don't you know _that_? +Surely you _must_ have been taught that." The emphasis +does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we +were told to do our best to make amends before the +meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds suggested that we should +write the compositions over again, of course with all +the commas, and should place them on his desk to- +morrow morning before the German lesson; but all +the rest of us were against this, for we saw plainly +that the head had changed colour when Hella said +what she did. We shall make the corrections and +then we shall all begin new copybooks. + +December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff +meeting, but not a word has been said yet about our +affair, and in the German lesson yesterday the Prof. +gave out the subject for the third piece of home work +without saying anything in particular. I think he is +afraid to. Hella has saved us all, for everyone else +would have been afraid to say what she did, even I. +Hella said: "My dear Rita, I'm not an officer's +daughter for nothing; if _I_ have not courage, who +should have? The girls stare at us in the interval +and whenever they meet us, though in the office the +head said to us: "I do hope that this business will +not be spread all over the school." But Brauner has +a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler's sister is in +the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard +about it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our +parents or something would have happened already. +Besides, to be on the safe side, I have already dropped +a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, +is no longer at the school, it is impossible that there +can be much fuss. It was only at first that we were +alarmed, but Hella was quite right when she said: +"I'm sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in +the right_." + +December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora +and I had gone to do our Christmas shopping, and +we came across him just as we had turned into Tuchlauben. +Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices +trembled_. He does look fine, with his black moustache +and his flashing eyes! And the green facings on his +tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat +quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with +us as far as the Upper Market-place; he has another +six-months furlough because of throat trouble; so +Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied +that -- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he +kissed our hands, _mine as well as Dora's_, and smiled +so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. Several +times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. +But when Dora does not want a thing, you can do +what you like and she won't budge; she's as obstinate +as a mule! She's always been like that since she +was quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor +not! That meant: Dora won't; little wretch! such a +wilful little beast! + +December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing +party on the Anninger; it was glorious, we +kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow lay fairly +thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. +As we were going home such a ridiculous thing happened +to Hella; she caught her foot on a snag and +tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She had +to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so +badly that every one believed she had sprained her +ankle tobogganing. Her grandmother was frightfully +angry and said: "That comes of such _unladylike_ +amusements!" Aunt Dora was very much upset, for +she had been with us, but Father said: Hella's grandmother +is quite an old lady, and in her day people +had very different views in this respect. I should say +so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times +a day, all the things she must not say and must not +do, and all the things which are unsuitable for young +girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her under +a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must +not be able to see out, and _no one_ must be able to see +_in_. (The last is the main point.) + +December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson +before Christmas, and not a word more has been +said about our affair. Hella has proved splendidly +right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with +every member of the staff, has congratulated her, and +so has Hammer, who is a newcomer and did not +know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o'clock the +other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school +of dramatic art, and says that the whole tone of the +place is utterly different, she is so glad to have done +with the High School. She had heard of the affair +with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon our +_strength of character_, especially Hella of course. She +says that the matter is common talk in all the High +Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl +at the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, +a girl whose sister is at the School of Dramatic Art. +She is very happy there, but she is annoyed that such +an institution should still be called a school; it's not +a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see +how free they all are. She is very pretty and has even +more figure than she used to have. She speaks very +prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that everyone +turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will +be able to invite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ +I should never be able to stand on a stage before a lot +of strangers, I know I would never be able to get a +word out. + +December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The +day before yesterday she got such bad influenza and +sore throat that she can't go to Cracow. She says +she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas +that has been spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis +operation, and now this wretched influenza. She hopes +her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her father +will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we +get on, Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas +without Mother. I simply don't dare to think of it, +for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says too +that it can't be a proper Christmas without Mother. I +wonder what Father will say when he sees Mother's +portrait. I do hope the frame will be ready to-morrow. +Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able +to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same +time with a lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every +day and who is a count, and he is madly in love with +her. He knows that her father is a general, for when +her father went to kiss the Emperor's hand he took +Hella part of the way with him in the motor, and she +was introduced to the lieutenant then. So now he +salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall +and looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys +me with Hella is that she _invariably_ denies it when +she is in love with anyone. I always tell her, or if +she notices anything I don't deny it. What's the +sense of it between friends? for example, the year before +last she was certainly in love with the young +doctor in the hospital. And in September when we +came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant +in the flying corps, I made no secret of the +fact that I was frantically in love with him. But she +did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, +when people don't see one another for months and +flirt with others between whiles. That was aimed at +Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it's really +too absurd. + +December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor +M., at least she is Frau Professor Theyer now, has +written to me. I had sent her Christmas good wishes, +and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time +she wished me a happy New Year, _she took the lead +in this_; it was heavenly. I was frightfully annoyed +because Dora said that she had done it only to save +herself the trouble of writing again; I'm sure that's +not true. Dora always says things like that simply +to annoy me. But her sweet, her divine letter, I +carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_ photograph +too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for +that was all Hella had sent her. I can quite well +fancy Frau Doktor M. as a stepmother, that is, not +quite well, but better than anyone else. She wrote +so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I +should find this Christmas less happy than usual. She +is certainly right there. We can none of us feel as if +the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. The +only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way +Father will stare when he sees the portrait. But +really in the first years after such a loss one ought not +to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels one's +sadness more than ever. + +December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do +for Christmas, but I must write to-day. There was a +ring at the front door this morning at about half past 11. +I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that she +must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door +open, prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply +kerblunxed, for there was a gentleman standing who +asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew +him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from +Fieberbr. Meanwhile Dora had opened the drawing- +room door, and now came the great proof of deceitfulness: +She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: +"Ah, Dr. Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept +your word." So it was plain that he had promised +her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he +was coming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black +silk apron with the insertions, such as we only wear +when visitors are expected. What a humbug she is! +So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt +Dora came in and asked him to supper this evening. +Then he went away. All the time he had not said +a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed +that there was such a person as me in the world +Not until he was actually leaving did he say: "Well; +Fraulein, how are you?" "Oh well," said I, "I'm +much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother's +death." Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I +shall know how to treat him _if_ he becomes my brother- +in-law. But that may be a long way off; for he +lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow +Dora to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly +said a word, I was so enraged at this deceitfulness. +But there is more to come. At 7, or whatever time +it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared +in a white blouse with a black bow, and had remained +in her room till the last minute so that I might not +know what she was wearing. For I had believed she +would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so +I was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. +At supper he talked all the time to Dora, so I purposely +talked to Oswald. Then he said that on March +1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once +more Dora was not in the least astonished, so _she must +have known all about it!_ But now I remember quite +well that in October the postman handed me a letter +for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was +_corresponding with him openly the whole time_, less +than 6 months after Mother's death. It really is too +bad! But when I was chattering about the country, +she kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh +so frightfully. And when my brother-in-law in spe, +oh how it does make me laugh, two or three years +ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora +Inspe, because she had said of Robert Warth and +me: The bridal pair in spe! And now she is in +the same position. When he went away in the evening +I was trembling lest Father should invite him to the +Christmas tree, but thank goodness when Father +asked: "What are you doing with yourself to-morrow," +he answered: "To-morrow I am spending the +day with my sister's family, she is married to a captain +out Wieden way." Thank goodness that came to +nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for visitors, +especially the first Christmas without Mother. And +if she knew -- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens +to the soul. Of course I gave up believing in +Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. +There are so many riddles, and they make one so +unhappy; in a newspaper feuilleton the other day +I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle of Love_. +But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can +see by Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, +seem alike in this respect. I remember what Hella +told me about Lizzi's engagement. It is true, she +had first made his acquaintance in London, not at +home; but there was just the same deceitfulness. +What on earth does it mean? Would it not be much +more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister _everything_? +Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be +an ally. Oh well, _I_ don't care, I'm not going to let +my Christmas Eve be disturbed by a thing _like that_; +if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all. On Boxing +Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall +tell Hella that I want to come to her and her grandmother. +After all, I am glad she has stayed in Vienna. + +December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. +We all three got Mother's picture, life size in +beautiful green frames, for our rooms. Dora sobbed +out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and +put my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; +for he adored Mother. Only Oswald did not actually +cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so glad that +Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to +cry before strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure +blouses, not lace blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid +album for 500 postcards, and she also gave me an +anthology which I had asked for. Brahms' Hungarian +Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last +year because she said they were too difficult for me; +as if _that_ were any business of hers; surely my music +mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper +with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything +complete, and hair ribbons and other trifles. Father +was awfully delighted with Mother's portrait; of +course we had not known that he was getting us life- +size portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph +of the winter before last we had quite a small likeness +painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a painter, and +who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. +And we got a lovely rococo frame to close up; when +it is open it looks as if Mother were looking out of +the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitz +thought it _most original_. Dora considered it very +awkward that he would not take any money for it, but +it made it possible for us to get a much more elegant +frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going +to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought with +_our own_ money, I wanted to send them for Christmas, +but we don't know anything about cigars, and we +did not want to tell anyone because one can never +know whether one won't be betrayed and you will be +told it is unintentional; but that is not true, for when +one betrays anything one has always secretly intended +to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the tongue; +but one really knows all the time. I can't write down +all the extra things that Dora got, only one of them: +At 7 o'clock just when Father was lighting the candles +on the tree, a commissionaire brought some lovely roses +with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath +a nosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. +with a card, but she would not let anyone read that. +All she said was: Dr. P. sends everyone Christmas +greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_ +Christmas," but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, +and Hella gave me a bead bag, and I gave her a +purse with the double eagle on it, for she wanted a +purse that would have a military look. I never knew +anyone with such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; +certainly I think officers look awfully smart; but +surely it's going too far when she feels that other men +practically don't exist. The others have to learn a +lot, for example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, +not to speak of students at the College of Agriculture, +for perhaps these last "hardly count" (that's the phrase +Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn +a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will +admit that, and always begins to talk of the officers +of the general staff; as if they _all_ belonged to the +general staff! We have often argued about it. Still, +I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of +course one who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise +it's no go; for Father says the Bruckners have +no private means. It's true he always says that of +us too, but I don't believe it; we are not so to say rich, +but I fancy we should both of us have enough money +for an officer to be able to marry us. Anyhow, Dora +voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_ she is really +going to marry Dr. P. + +27th. Well, I went to Hella's yesterday and stayed +till 9, and on Christmas Day she was here. I see that +I wrote above that the Bs. were not well off; it seems +to me to be very much the reverse. We always get a +great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and +on our birthdays and name days (of course Protestants +don't have these last), but we don't give one another +such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had been +given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear +at the dancing class which must have cost at least 50 +crowns, and a lace collar and cuffs, which we had +seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, then she +had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of +smaller things which she never even looked at. And to +see all the things her sister got, things for her _trousseau!_ +And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 crowns whilst ours +cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I +think that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and +I said to Hella: "You must be enormously rich." +And she said: "Oh well, not so rich as all that; I +must not expect to marry an officer on the general +staff. Lizzi has done very well for herself for Paul +is a baron and is very well off. He is frantically in +love with her; queer taste, isn't it?" I quite agree, +for Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, +beautiful fair hair, but she is so awfully thin, not a +trace of b -- --, Hella has much more figure. And +if one hasn't any by the time one is 20 one is not +likely to get one. + +Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella +asked me: "I say, what's the Christian name of that +Dr. who is dangling after your sister?" Then it struck +me for the first time that on his visiting card he only +has Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered +that last summer, when we first made his acquaintance, +Dora said, It's a pity he's called August, the name +does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt +quite ill, for of course Hella began to sing: "O du +lieber Augustin," and then I thought of Der dumme +August [clown's nickname in circus] and we wondered +what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, +my darling Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were +in fits of laughter. Then we discussed what names +we should like to have for our husbands, and I said: +Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn't you like +Siegfried? But I put my hand on her mouth and said: +"Shut up, or you will make me really angry, _that_ is +and must remain forgotten." She said what she would +like best would be to have a husband called Peter or +Thamian or Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she +would use Dami or Sosti; and then she said quite +seriously that she would only marry a man called +Egon, or Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that +moment her mother came in to call us to tea, and she +said: "What's an that about Alexander and Georg? +You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together +for a couple of minutes (I had come at half past 2 +and the Brs. have tea at 4, and that's what Hella's +mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of unsuitable +things." Hella was afraid her mother would +think God knows what, so she said: "Oh no, Mother, +we were only discussing what names we should like +our fiances to have." You ought to have seen how +her mother went on. "That's just it, that when you +are barely 15 (I'm not 15 yet) you should have nothing +but _such_ things in your heads!" _Such_ things, +how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was +the other evening at home; for the Herr Baron was +there, that is, they all say Du to one another now, for +the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is settled +whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be +transferred to Berlin. It must be funny to say "Du" +to a strange man. Hella says she soon got used to it, +and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings +Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he +always gives Hella a box for herself. _Other_ people +would certainly not do that, and I know _other_ people +who wouldn't accept it. When I got home, Father +said: Well, another time I think you'd better stay +and sleep at the Brs., and I said: I did not want to +be a killjoy here. And Oswald said: "What you need +is a box on the ear," Father was luckily out of the +room already and so I said: "_Your_ children, if you +ever have any, can be kept in order by boxing their +ears till they are green and blue, but you have no +rights over your sisters, Father told you so in +Fieberbrunn." "Oh, I know Father always backs you two +up, he has done so from the first." "Please don't +draw me into your quarrels," said Dora, as if she had +been something quite different from me. And then +Aunt Dora said: "I do wish you would not keep on +quarreling." "_I_ didn't begin it," said I, and went +away without saying goodnight; that is I went to +Father's room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt +Dora in the hall, but I _didn't_ say goodnight to Oswald +and Dora, for I'm not going to put up with _everything_. +And now it's half past 11 already, for I have been writing +such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I'm +_very_ unhappy. Even Hella doesn't know how unhappy +I am. I must go to bed now; whether I shall +sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly +manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. + +31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. +Her father and mother returned to Cracow yesterday +evening, and she told her grandmother she was going +to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going +to the Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella +went for a walk round the cemetery while I went to +darling Mother's grave. I am so unhappy; Hella consoles +me as much as she can, but even she can't understand. + +January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New +Year's Eve yesterday, but were quite alone and it +was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought +Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some +lovely violets as a New Year's greeting. He is leaving +on the 4th, so he is coming here on the evening of +the 3rd. I can't say I look forward to it. To-morrow +school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that +means good luck; Father says it is a scandal the way +the dirt carts go on all through the day in Vienna, +and that one should see one even on New Year's day +at 2 in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_ + +January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. +We had a real piece of _luck_ to-day! In the big interval +I noticed a little knot of girls in the hall, and suddenly +I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau +Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was +standing among them, she saw us directly and held out +her hand to us so we kissed it. She has come to visit +her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she +did not know for certain whether she would be able +to come to the school she had not written either to +me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and so +entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and +Frau Doktor Dunker came in I saw that _she_ was still +standing outside. So I put my handkerchief up to my +face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out to +her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held +out her arms to me. Hardly had I reached her, when +Hella came out and said: "Of course I understood +directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go +and look after you." Then the Frau Professor laughed +like anything and said: "You are such wicked little +actresses; I must send you back immediately." But +of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then +we begged her to let us stay with her, but she said: +"No, no, I've been your teacher here, and I must not +encourage you in mischief. But here is a better idea. +Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?" +"Rather," we both exclaimed. She said she was staying +in a hotel, but we must not come alone to a hotel, +so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, +and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we +kissed both her hands and were so happy! To-morrow +at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and nearly a whole +day to wait. "If your parents allow you," she said; +as if Father or even Hella's grandmother would not +allow _that!_ All Father said was: "All right Gretel, +but don't go quite off your head first or you won't be +able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as +crazy as you are?" Of course, how can one be otherwise? + +January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it's awful, Hella is coming +to fetch me at half past 3. In school to-day we kept +on looking at one another, and all the other girls +thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, +what do we care about a man now! We had a +splendid idea, that we had just time to make a memento +for _her_, since she does not leave until the evening +of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow +silk for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram +E. T., the new one of course. Hella is painting a +paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. I would +rather have done something of that sort too, but I have +no patience for such work, so I often spoil it before +I've finished. But one can't very well spoil a piece of +embroidery. But I shan't get the tracing on the silk +back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall have to +work all night and the whole day to-morrow. + +Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever +way you like to take it, the idiot at the shop had +forgotten about the bookmarker and I shan't get it +until to-morrow morning early. So I'm able to write +now: It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down +in front of her house for at least half an hour, until +at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so sweet +to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply +would not have it_, and so she said Du as she used to. +We talked of all sorts of things, I don't know what, +only that I suddenly burst out crying, and then she +drew me to her b -- --, no, I can't write that about her; +she drew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ +and went almost crazy. Hella says that I +put both my arms round her neck, but I'm sure that's +all imagination, for I should never have dared. She +has such fascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ +glistens so on her divine ring finger. Of course we +talked about the school, and then she suddenly said: +Tell me what really happened about those compositions, +when half the class deliberately refrained from +putting any punctuation marks. "Oh," we said, "that +is a frightful cram, it wasn't _half_ the class, but only 6 +of us who have a special veneration for you." Then +we told her how it all came about. She laughed a +little, and said: "Well, girls, you did not do me +any particular _service_. It really was a great piece of +impertinence." But I said: "Prof. Fritsch's remarks +were 10 times more impertinent, for they related to +another member of the staff, and what was worse to +you." Then she said: "My darling girls, that often +happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputa- +tion, whether justly or unjustly; one is liable to that +in every profession." Hella said that the head mistress +was not like that or there would have been a frightful +row, since the matter had become known in all the +High Schools of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: +"Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really a splendid woman." +Then there came something glorious, or really 2 glorious +things: 1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, +better than I have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and +we are really connoisseurs in the matter of sweets. +The second thing, even more glorious, was this: after +we had been there some time, there was a knock at +the door and in came _her_ husband, the Herr Prof., +and said: "How are you my treasure?" and to us: +"Goodday, young _ladies_." Then she introduced us, +saying: "Two of my best-loved pupils and my most +faithful adherents." Then the Herr Prof. laughed a +great deal and said: "That can't be said of all +pupils." So I said quickly: "Oh yes, it can be said +of Frau Doktor, the whole class would go through +fire for her." Then he went away, and she said: +"Excuse me for a moment," and we could hear quite +plainly that _he kissed her_ in the next room, and then +she said as she came in again: "Oh well, be off with +you, Karl, goodbye." It's a pity his name is Karl, +it's so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect +when they are alone he calls her Lieschen, since he +is a North German. I must go to bed, it's half past 11 +already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, +my sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! +God, I am so happy. + +January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, +and we can't go tobogganing because Dora has a +_chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the 4th, worked at +it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up +at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and +at 2 o'clock we took our mementoes to the house. +Though we should have liked to give them to her +ourselves, we didn't, but only gave them to the maid. +She said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: +"No, thank you, we don't want to disturb Frau Theyer, +and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh no, +it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you +know what _she_ said: But my dear child, you will make +yourself ill; you must not do that on _my_ account!" +Oh dear, I'm crying so that I can hardly write, +but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that's glorious +to put down, things that I must never, never forget, +even if it should take me a week to write. The great +thing is that I shall simply live upon this memory, +and the only thing I want in life is that I may see +_her_ once more. Of course we took her some flowers on +Friday, I lilies of the valley with violets and tuberoses, +and Hella Christmas roses. She was delighted, and +went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought +in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair +is grey, she is charming; but she is not in the least +like Frau Doktor M. When we said goodbye she +offered us still more sweets, but since we were both +nearly crying already we did not want to take any +more, but she wrapped them nearly all up for us, saying: +"To console you in your sorrow." From anyone +else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it +was simply lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and +Hella gave me 9 of them and took only 8 for herself. +I shall eat only one every day, so that they will last +me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not +so frightfully in love as I am, and yesterday she said, +in joke of course: "It seems to me that your whole +world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you'll be +drowned." And then she asked me how I could have +been so stupid as to use the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, +although she hemmed to warn me. She said it really +was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. +blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her +_husband_ came in, she certainly did flush up like anything. +Hella and I talked of quite a lot of _other things +of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask her +whether she has given up going to church, for I think +the Herr Prof. really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ +like one. For lots of other men wear black beards. +But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks it is +a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about +such things_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? +Oh, it would be horrible. Of course she may have +entered into a _marriage_ contract, that would have been +the best way. However, Hella thinks that the professor +would not have agreed to anything of the kind. +But surely if he was frantically in love with her . . . + +January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically +jealous. We did not say in so many words that we, +alone among them all, had been invited to see her, +but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given +us and in the interval she said: This must be eaten +reverently, and she cut it in two to give me half. The +Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given by some +acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude +said: "Doubly sweetened, by chocolate and love." +"Yes," said I, "but not in the sense you imagine." +And since she said: "Oh, of course, I know all about +that, but I don't want to be indiscreet," Hella said: +"I may as well tell you that Frau Doktor M., or I +should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer, gave us +this sweet and a great many more on the day she had +invited us to go and see her." Then they were all +utterly kerblunxed and said: "Great Scott, what +luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.'s favourites, +especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau +Doktor M." + +January 17th. The whole school knows about our +being invited to see her, the glorious one! I've just +been reading it over, and I see that I have left a frightful +lot out, especially about her father. When we were +leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying +because as I opened the door I had said, For the +last time! Just then an old gentleman came up and +was about to go in, and when he saw that we were +crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, +he came up to us and asked what was the matter. +Then Hella said: "We have lost out best friend." +Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously +long time and said: "I say, do you happen to +be the two ardent admirers of Frau Doktor Mallburg? +She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: +But you really can't go through the streets bathed in +tears like that. Come upstairs again with me and +my daughter will console you." So we really did go +upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her +father opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your +admirers simply can't part from you, and I found +them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. Then +she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing- +gown!!!_ exquisite. And she led us into the room and +said: "Girls, you must not look at me in this old rag, +which is only fit to throw away." I should have liked +to say: "Give it to _me_ then." But of course I could +not. And when we made our final goodbye, perhaps +_for ever_, she kissed each of us _twice over_ and said: +Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world! + +January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to +meet Lajos and Jeno. But I'm not going, for Jeno +does not interest me in the very least. That was not +a _real_ love. I don't care for anyone in the whole world +except her, my one and only! Even Hella can't understand +that, in fact she thinks it _dotty_. Father wanted +me to go to Hella's _to change the current of my +thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ +to anyone, for no one understands me. But I never +could have believed that Father would be just like +anyone else. It's quite true that I'm getting thin. +I'm so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day +because Dora has a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So +I am going to the church in Schwindgasse and shall +walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhaps I +shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her +the day before yesterday. + +January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me +_by return!_ This is the second letter I have had from +her! At dinner to-day Father said: "Hullo, Gretel, +why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen +you with such a sunny face for a long time." So I +answered in as few words as possible: "After dinner +I will tell _you_ why." For the others need not know +anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely +that Frau Prof. Th. had written to me, Father said: +"Oh, is _that_ what has pleased you so much. But I +have something up my sleeve which will also please +you. February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, +you have 2 days free, and if you and Hella can get +a day off from school on Saturday we might make an +excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?" +It would be glorious, if only Hella is allowed to come, +for her grandmother imagines that the sore throat she +had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on +the Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! +As if _we_ could help that. Still, by good luck she may +have forgotten it; she is 63 already, and one forgets +a lot when one is that age. + +Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! +Perhaps we shall try a little skiing. But really Hella +is a horrid pig; she said: "All right, I'll come, if +you'll promise not to be continually talking about Frau +Professor Th. I'm very fond of her too, but you +are simply crazy about her." It's really too bad, and +I shall never mention _her_ name to the others any more. +I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at Mariazell. +We've never made any such excursion in winter +before. Hurrah, it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the +31st of January were here; I'm frantically excited. + + + +EDITOR'S NOTE + + +Rita's joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening +snow-clad hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate +was thrust into the lives of the two sisters. On January 29th +their father, suddenly struck down with paralysis, was brought +home in an ambulance, and died in a few hours without recovering +consciousness. + +Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, +separated from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had +to struggle for peace of soul in the isolation of a provincial +town -- -- -- + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of A Young Girl's Diary +Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + diff --git a/old/ygdsf10.zip b/old/ygdsf10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..70bdb7e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ygdsf10.zip |