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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:15:44 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/752-0.txt b/752-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..de7a185 --- /dev/null +++ b/752-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7795 @@ +Project Gutenberg’s A Young Girl’s Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Young Girl’s Diary + +Author: An Anonymous Young Girl + +Commentator: Prefaced by a letter by Sigmund Freud + +Translator: Eden and Cedar Paul + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #752] +Last Updated: November 6, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + + +A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY + +Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + +Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul + + +CONTENTS + + FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12 + SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13 + THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14 + LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2 + CONCLUSION + + +PREFACE + + +THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging to +the upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, +1915, a letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifies +to the permanent value of the document: + + +“This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been written +enabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belonging +to our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal +development. We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoism +of childhood to attain maturity; how the relationships to parents +and other members of the family first shape themselves, and how they +gradually become more serious and more intimate; how friendships are +formed and broken. We are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards +its first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery of the sexual +life first presses itself vaguely on the attention, and then takes +entire possession of the growing intelligence, so that the child suffers +under the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes enabled to +shoulder the burden. Of all these things we have a description at once +so charming, so serious, and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of +supreme interest to educationists and psychologists. + +“It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students of +my own writings will be grateful to you.” + +In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned down +nothing, has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The only +alterations she has made have been such as were essential to conceal the +identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned in the document. +Consequently, surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have been +changed. These modifications have enabled the original author of the +diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal of serious readers. + +No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and other +inelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regarded +as the expression of a child’s incapacity for the control of language. +Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of affective +trends, as errors in functioning brought about by the influence of the +Unconscious. + +THE EDITOR. VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919. + + + + +FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE + + +FIRST YEAR + + +July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed that +when we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dora +keeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene +“Hella,” and she calls me “Rita;” Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dora +has taken to calling herself “Thea,” but I go on calling her “Dora.” She +says that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep a +diary. She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than in +hers and Lizzi’s. + +July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays, +but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shall +know what we have been doing in the holidays. + +The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was very +easy, in dictation I made only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The +mistress said that didn’t matter, I had only made a slip. That is quite +true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has an _h_ in it. We were both +dressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone believed +we were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to have +a cousin. But it’s still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell one +another everything. + +July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I are +really sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then every +day before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in the +class-room. But we’re awfully pleased because of the other girls. One is +more important when one goes to the high school instead of only to +the middle school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. “They are +bursting with pride” (that’s what my sister says of me and Hella, but +it is not true). “Our two students” said the mistress when we came away. +She told us to write to her from the country. I shall. + +July 15th. Lizzi, Hella’s sister, is not so horrid as Dora, she +is always so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least ten +chocolate-creams. It’s true Hella often says to me: “You don’t know her, +what a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very nice to me.” + Certainly it is very funny the way in which she always speaks of us as +“the little ones” or “the children,” as if she had never been a child +herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. Besides we’re just +the same as she is now. She is in the fourth class and we are in the +first. + +To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I’m frightfully excited. +Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother +and Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. + +July 19th. It’s awfully hard to write every day in the holidays. +Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in a +big house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight off +for her own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms of +horrid little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies and +such things. I’m not going to put up with being driven out of the +front veranda. I won’t have it. Besides, Father said: “Don’t quarrel, +children!” (_Children_ to _her_ too!!) He’s quite right. She puts +on such airs because she’ll be fourteen in October. “The verandas are +common property,” said Father. Father’s always so just. He never lets +Dora lord it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I’m +writing to Hella to-day. She’s not written to me yet. + +July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. I +don’t know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here in +August or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather go +to stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: “We’ll see,” + and that means he’ll let me go. When Father and Mother say We’ll see it +really means Yes; but they won’t say “yes” so that if it does not come +off one can’t say that they haven’t kept their word. Father really lets +me do anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my piano +regularly perhaps she’ll let me go. I must go for a walk. + +July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for one +must keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . . + +July 23rd. It’s awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to write +the room had to be cleaned and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had +not written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all my pages blew +away. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it’s better because then one +does not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another to +throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One can +tell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn’t. Yesterday +when I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, saying +What do you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted +to bag the front veranda all for herself. She’s too sickening. + +Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Father +was awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It was +jolly. I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She let +out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn’t feel it _there_. As she +went by she said Pig! It doesn’t matter, for I know she understood me +and that what I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes +about every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother was +out of sorts and stayed at home. + +July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: You +children have Sundays every day. That’s quite true in the holidays, but +not at other times. The peasants and their wives and children are all +very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in the +theatre. We are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made a +great cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down upon +some fallen cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I must +wear my pink dress. All the better, for I don’t care to be dressed +exactly the same as Dora. I don’t see why everyone should know that +we are sisters. Let people think we are cousins. She does not like it +either; I wish I knew why. + +Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older than +Dora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds it +dull without me; so do I. + +July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying at +Achensee. I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and then +go for a walk. But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. I +forgot to bring my paint-box and I’m not allowed to read all day. Mother +says, if you gobble all your books up now you’ll have nothing left to +read. That’s quite true, but I can’t even go and swing. + +Afternoon. I must write some more. I’ve had a frightful row with Dora. +She says I’ve been fiddling with her things. It’s all because she’s so +untidy. As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she left her +letter to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He’s as +handsome as a Greek god. I don’t know who “he” was for she came in at +that moment. It’s probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastingly +playing tennis and carries on like anything. As for handsome--well, +there’s no accounting for tastes. + +July 26th. It’s a good thing I brought my dolls’ portmanteau. Mother +said: You’ll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I’m much too +old to play with dolls, but even though I’m 11 I can make dolls’ +clothes still. One learns something while one is doing it, and when I’ve +finished something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and I +was tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo, +the child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she had +never played with dolls. Besides, I don’t really play with dolls any +longer. When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made a +great scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I’m so sorry, but you came too +close. I hope she’ll know why I really did it. Of course she’ll go and +sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She’s got +a fine red scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see. + +July 27th. There’s such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries and +gooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite for +dinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why should +it be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likes +anything awfully much one is always scolded about it until one gets +perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother, +and then her mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children and +they reward us with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrifices +they make. I think it’s the children who make the sacrifices. When I +want to eat gooseberries and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_ +not _Mother’s_. I’ve written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl has +written to me. The address on her letter to me was splendid, “Fraulein +Grete Lainer, Lyzealschulerin.” Of course Dora had to know better than +anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from the fourth +upwards (because she is in the fourth) they write “Lyzeistin.” She said: +“Anyhow, in the holidays, before a girl has attended the first class +she’s not a Lyzealschulerin at all.” Then Father chipped in, saying that +_we_ (_I_ didn’t begin it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; he +really could not stand it. He’s quite right, but what he said won’t do +any good, for Dora will go on just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote that +she was _delighted_ that I had written. As soon as I have time she wants +me to write to her again. Great Scott, I’ve always time for _her_. I +shall write to her again this evening after supper, so as not to keep +her waiting. + +July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived, +and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it +rained all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round games +and we played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora. +Robert is already more than a head taller than we are, I mean than +Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carried +my cloak which Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me home +after supper. + +To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother has +made strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing. + +July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasol +with a flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a huge +postcard album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gave +me a beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-cream +cake for dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thing +in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert had +written on his: With deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious +to have a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me a +wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots out +of its mouth instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one +can’t be quite sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says I +was born under a lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top. + +July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached over +Consequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the things +we did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed, +hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn’t do +_that!_ quarrelled. That won’t happen, it’s quite impossible! Then we +drank my health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drink +it in wine but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble was +this. She always gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me and +yesterday I was certainly first fiddle. + +Now I must write a word about to-day. We’ve had a splendid time. We +were in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wild +strawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the great +annoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I would +rather pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for one +for _love_ (that’s what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have them +picked for one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them to +Father and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in Flischberg +I had to sit beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother +says she is _anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don’t +quite know what it means. Dora is always saying that she is anemic, +but of course that is not true. And Father always says “Don’t talk such +stuff, you’re as fit as a fiddle.” That puts her in such a wax. Last +year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor said, she was always having +palpitation and had to take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that’s +where Dora got the idea. + +August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told her +that I had spent the whole day with the W’s. Still, she is really my +only friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in the +country she has another friend too, but that doesn’t put me out. I can’t +understand why she doesn’t like Robert; she doesn’t know anything about +him except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good. +Of course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she +met him once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeing +them once. Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I was +with the Warths all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caught +me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn’t count, for +I had let myself be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a +perfect nuisance, she spoils everyone’s pleasure. He’s quite right, but +there’s some one else just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Dora +about the kiss. If she has everyone will know and I shouldn’t like that. +I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robert +and Liesel and I ate the rest. They were so good and nearly all large +ones. At first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but I said he +must only have a big one. After that he always picked out the big ones. +When I came home in the evening with the empty box Father laughed and +said: There’s nothing mean about our Gretel. Besides, Mother still has +a great box full; I have no idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I +expect so. + +August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He’s a great swell now; +he’s begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to the +hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awful +bore, but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his new +tourist getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love to +all. I’ve never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets and +Oswald grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is always +smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we’ll +go to the inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. It +seems to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and I +have a good report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twos +and Threes and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, but +I have nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Father +laughed heartily and said something I could not understand. I don’t +think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knows +nearly all languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn’t talk +them unless he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station when +Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. When +Robert pretends to speak Czech it’s screamingly funny. + +August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowed +to bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and +he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positively +yell. To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular +noodle. I said, that’s not true, boys can never stand one another. +Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much better +than Dora who always says “the children” when she is talking of me and +of Hella and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a goose +as Erna. He’s quite right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke, +that it is so vulgar, that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about +Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he will never grow a +beard but will shave every day and his wife will have to put everything +straight to him. But a beard suits Father and I can’t imagine him +without a beard. I know I won’t marry a man without a beard. + +August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set off +yesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after +us: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. I +think it means in a hundred years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she +likes, we shan’t. Mother scolded her like anything and said she mustn’t +say such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we always +talk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean. + +August 6th. Hella can’t come here, for she is going to Klausenburg with +her mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there or +whatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of a +district judge I think of District Judge T., such a hideous man. What +a nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into the +marriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I would +much sooner not marry at all, besides she’s awfully unhappy. + +August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald told +Father that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not stand +it. Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn’t play tennis any +more. What upset her more than anything was that Father said in front of +me: This little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love to +her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn’t eat anything +at supper because she had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her +headaches. But I really can’t see why I shouldn’t go and play tennis. + +August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn’t the student’s fault at all but +only Dora’s. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on the +Southern Railway. Still, they won’t let me play tennis any more, though +I begged and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it would +do no good for Father was very angry and I mustn’t spend whole days +with the Warths any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was a +whole day there. When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner at +least. What have I got to do with Dora’s love affairs? It’s really too +absurd. But grown-ups are always like that. When one person has done +anything the others have to pay for it too. + +August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged and +begged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induce +her to ask! That’s the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has been +playing the invalid lately, won’t bathe, and stays at home when she can +instead of going for walks. I should like to know what’s the matter with +her. What I can’t make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother, +she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother’s favourite, especially when +Oswald is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite of +Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says that parents have no +favourites, but treat all their children alike. That’s true enough as +far as Father is concerned, although Dora declares that Father makes a +favourite of me; but that’s only her fancy. At Christmas and other times +we always get the same sort of presents, and that’s the real test. +Rosa Plank always gets at least three times as much as the rest of the +family, that’s what it is to be a favourite. + +August 12th. I can’t write every day for I spend most of my time +with the Warths. Oswald can’t stand Robert, he says he is a cad and +a greenhorn. What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven’t spoken to +Oswald except when I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel about +it, they said that brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said, +I should like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to his +sisters. They said, Yes before you, because he’s on his best behaviour +with you. Yesterday we laughed like anything when he told us what fun +the boys make of their masters. That story about the cigarette ends +was screamingly funny. They have a society called T. Au. M., that is +in Latin Be Silent or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the +society’s secrets, and when they make a new member he has to strip off +all his clothes and lie down naked and every one spits on his chest and +rubs it and says: Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go to +the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three cuts with a cane and +he has to swear that he will never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes +a cigar and touches him with the lighted end on the arm or somewhere +and says: Every act of treachery will burn you like that. And then the +eldest, who has a special name which I can’t remember, tattoos on him +the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a heart with the name of +a girl. Robert says that if he had known me sooner he would have chosen +“Gretchen.” I asked him what name he had tattooed on him, but he said +he was not allowed to tell. I shall tell Oswald to look when they +are bathing and to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters +frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to play on them +is elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction and the +others must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot more +which he couldn’t tell me because it’s too tremendous. Then I had to +swear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wanted +me to take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn’t do that and he nearly +forced me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and a +kiss. I didn’t mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing +would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for we +were quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and tried +to force me to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me when +we were quite alone for he said: I can’t have your name tattooed on me +because it’s against our laws to have two names but now that you have +sworn I can let you know what I really am and think in secret. + +I couldn’t sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society, +wondering whether there are such societies in the high school and +whether Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it +would be horrible to have to strip naked before all one’s schoolfellows. +Perhaps in the societies of the high-school girls that part is left +out. But I shouldn’t like to say for sure whether I’d have Robert’s name +tattooed on me. + +August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboy +societies where they do very improper things, but that never happened in +their society. But he didn’t say what. I said, the stripping naked seems +to me awful; but he said, Oh, that’s nothing, that must happen if +we’re to trust one another, it’s all right as long as there’s nothing +improper. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows about +it, and whether he is in such a society or in a proper one and whether +Father was in one. If I could only find out. But I can’t ask, for if I +did I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left +wrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to +be silent. But he needn’t do that really, for I never would betray him +whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he says +that his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really grey +and they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye, +it frightens me. I’m always dreaming of him. + +August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the +emperor’s birthday. We didn’t get home until half past twelve. At first +we went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired +salutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops; +it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once +or twice, I don’t know whether I was afraid something would happen or +why it was. Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into +the army. For that he needn’t learn so much, and what he’s learning now +is of no use to him. He says that doesn’t matter, that knowledge will +give him a great pull. I don’t think he looks stupid, though Oswald says +so to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the +others and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once +more about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improper +things. But he wouldn’t tell me for he said he would not rob me of my +innocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn’t +know himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was that +anyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn’t stand it any +longer. And once one of them got St. Vitus’s dance, that is frightful +convulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. And +since then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. Shall +I tickle you a little? I don’t understand you, I said, and anyhow you +daren’t. + +He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under the +arm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there +were still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled my +hand. I liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my hand +away. Just then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly they +had passed us we followed close behind as if we had been walking like +that all the time. It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she always +wants us all to keep together. As we went along R. said: Look out, +Gretel, I’m going to tickle you some day until you scream.--How absurd, +I won’t have it, it takes two to do that. + +By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag of +sweets and R. won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. +Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makes +one look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself such +a lot. + +August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages +30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else on +the Louisenhohe. It’s positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them. +And I don’t know exactly what there was on those pages. I was born +to ill luck. If I hadn’t promised Hella to write my diary every day I +should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get hold +of it, or even Father. And it’s raining so fearfully to-day that I can’t +even go into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all not +alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn’t write +anything yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyone +were to find it. I am so much upset that I couldn’t eat anything at +dinner, although we had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I’m so +unhappy for Father was quite anxious and Mother too and they both +asked what was the matter with me and I nearly burst out crying before +everyone. We had dinner in the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away +for 2 days. But I couldn’t cry in the room before Father and Mother for +that would have given the show away. My only hope is that no one will +recognise my writing, for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary, +first of all so that no one may recognise our writing and secondly +because upright writing doesn’t use up so much paper as ordinary +writing. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the +garden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day so that I +didn’t even get cross when Inspee said: “Have you been quarrelling with +your future husband?” + +August 30th. It’s not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go to +Louisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what I +was so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn’t +keep it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must have +lost something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it was +Hella’s letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worse +than that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that’s not such a terrible +loss, and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for there +are all sorts of things written in it about R. and his society. Look +here, Gretel, said Mother, I don’t like this way you talk about R.; I +really don’t like you to spend all your time with the Warths; they’re +really not our sort and R. is not a fit companion for you; now that +you are going to the high school you are not a little girl any longer. +Promise me that you’ll not be eternally with the Warths.--All right, +Mother, I will break it off gradually so that nobody will notice. She +burst out laughing and kissed me on both cheeks and promised me to +say nothing to Inspee about the diary for she needn’t know everything. +Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and perhaps the pages are still +there. + +Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages all +pulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in the +footpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of +his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. So +no one had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: I +say, why are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prize +in the lottery? and I pressed Mother’s foot with mine to remind her not +to give me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to me +there’s a conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a great +hurry: Luckily we’re not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone +laughed and now thank goodness it’s all over. Live and learn. I won’t +let that happen again. + +August 31st. Really I’m not so much with the W’s and with R. I think +he’s offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized me +by the wrist and said: Your father is right, you’re a witch. “You need +a castigation.” How rude of him. Besides, I didn’t know what castigation +meant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up the +word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it. +What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it is +really horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone +already and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business. +I don’t like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn’t say that +R. wanted to give me a castigation when I didn’t know what it meant. +Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in a +lie for her lies are so obvious. I’m never caught. It only happened once +when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for he +said: You little rogue, you tarradiddler! + +September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak to +R. again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had really +fallen out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before we +have to start from home. I can’t make out how it all happened. It was +frightful cheek of him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a +kick. I think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared to +say: After all I’m well paid out, for what can one expect when one keeps +company with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from him +when he’s not 14 himself yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 and +he seems to be one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything but +Satisfactory in his reports, and he’s not in the fifth yet, but only in +the fourth. Anyhow, we’ve settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall +never tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope my last +secret from Hella. + +September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have been +awfully dull. I saw R. once or twice but I always looked the other way. +Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R., so that +our great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, for +it was absolutely _impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found +fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That’s quite +true, he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you’ll make it up +when you say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I’ll never +speak a word to him again. + +For her birthday, although it’s not come yet, Dora is to have a navy +blue silk dustcloak. I don’t think the colour suits her, and anyhow +she’s much too thin to wear a dustcloak. + +September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She looks +splendid and she says I do too. I’m so glad that she’s back. After all I +told her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have given +him 2 more; one for the tickling and one for the “baby” and one for the +“young monkey.” If we should happen to meet him, shan’t we just glare at +him. + +September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think the +tartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn’t say so, but only that +the cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five times +already. I don’t know whether Father really wants to treat her as a +grown-up lady or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he’s only +making fun. She doesn’t really look like a grown-up lady. How could +she when she’s not 14 yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls were +invited, and of course Hella was invited on my account and we had a +grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully about the country where +they _said_ they had been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I +care about. + +September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreed +to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I’m frightfully +curious. + +September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and we +went along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in +front of her. We don’t want her as governess. There are 34 of us in the +class. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and +I think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German and +writing. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech, +then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them till +Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is for +games, the short ones to go out. I usen’t to go out at the elementary +school and now I don’t need to. Mother always says that it’s only a +bad habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the room +during lesson time. To-day we hadn’t any proper lessons. They are to +begin to-morrow, but we don’t know what. Then we came home. + +September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography and +history, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, but +she could not stand her, she’s so ugly. Father was angry and said to +Inspee: You silly goose, don’t fill her head with such stuff. Show +what you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from every +mistress and every master if one likes. But I can’t say, we’re really +fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don’t much care for geography and +history. Besides I’m not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. +Mallburg is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M. +for short. When she laughs she has two dimples and a gold stopping. She +is new at the school. I don’t know if we are to have singing too. In +French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully dressed, black lace. +Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; it’s quite soft, we must have it +soft so that it shan’t make a row when it falls down during lesson time. +I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, I don’t know exactly. To-day +lessons went on until 12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion +for Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited for me, for the Herr +Pastor did not come. + +September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but we +were wrong. Hella’s mother said, that’s what happens when the chicks +think themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to our +house and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don’t go there, for it’s +so dull, they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons. +My music lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixed +up. Perhaps on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B., she told me to +write myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather have +had Hella’s music mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think she +charges more. At least she wouldn’t always be holding me up “Fraulein +Dora” as a model. We are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In the +evening Inspee was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock and +she simply howled over it. She said she had not, but I heard her and she +could hardly speak. She says she had a cold, liar. + +September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors’ time-table, but it +won’t work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly when +they can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, but +since there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we are +going to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or +10 sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what we +have written in class. I’ve written mine already. But I’ve not said +anything about Robert. He’s not worth thinking about anyhow. I did not +even tell Hella everything. + +September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said, +very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: And +is that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent her +holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, very +good. Then the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge +with us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervals +we were quite alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up the +time-table. A pupil-teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She +sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor. + +September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time in +natural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in the +face. And in French Madame A. said that my accent was the best. We’ve +got an awful lot on and I don’t know whether I shall be able to write +every day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel and +the Weinmann girl said Nikel. + +September 30th. I’ve had simply no time to write. Hella hasn’t written +anything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert in +Schottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn’t be so stuck up, he said +as he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I would +have given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper. + +October 1st. I can’t write, Oswald has come from S., he has sprained his +ankle, but I’m not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully pale +and doesn’t say a word about the pain. + +October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor’s birthday. Yesterday Resi +told me something horrid. Oswald can’t go back to S. He has been up +to something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. He +always stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in the +country. Or perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspee +pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn’t true, for she +doesn’t know any more than I do. Father is furious and Mother’s eyes are +all red with crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only find +out what he’s done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Dora +and I heard what he said: You young scamp (then there was something we +couldn’t understand) and then he said, you attend to your school books +and leave the girls and the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. +And Dora said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell me, he is my +brother as well as yours. But she said: “You wouldn’t understand. It’s +not suitable for such young ears.” Fancy that, it’s suitable for her +ears, but not mine though she’s not quite three years older than I am, +but because she no longer wears a short skirt she gives herself the airs +of a grown-up _lady_. Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of +jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can’t speak. Whenever +I see her do this, I make a point of speaking to her so that she has to +answer. She does get in such a wax. + +October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That’s how babies come. And +_that_ is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply +won’t marry. For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully +and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wish +I knew exactly how, Hella says she doesn’t know exactly herself. But +perhaps her cousin who knows everything about it will tell her. It +lasts nine months till the baby comes and then a lot of women die. It’s +horrible. Hella has known it for a long time but she didn’t like to tell +me. A girl told her last summer in the country. She wanted to talk about +it to Lizzi her sister, really she only wanted to ask if it was all true +and Lizzi ran off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said And her +mother said; “These children are awful, a corrupt generation, don’t you +dare to repeat it to any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance,” and +she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help it! That is why she +didn’t write to me for such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now +she can tell me all about it and we won’t betray one another. And that +deceitful cat Inspee has known all about it for ages and has never told +me. But I don’t understand why that time at the swing Robert said: You +little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows. +When I go to the gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first +and ask her about it. My goodness how curious I am to know. + +October 10th. I’m in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lesson +yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella’s and without meaning it I was so +late I did not dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her +that we would say that our sum was so difficult that we had not got it +finished in time. Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothing +about it at home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr S’s. I +thought that I knew all about it but only now has Hella really told me +everything. It’s a horrible business this . . . I really can’t write it. +She says that of course Inspee has it already, had it when I wrote +that Inspee wouldn’t bathe, did not want to bathe; really she had it. +Whatever happens one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of blood_ +says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . That’s why in the +country Inspee always switched off the light before she was quite +undressed, so that I couldn’t see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins at +14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says that Berta Franke in our +class knows all about it. In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do +you know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, of course I’ve known +it for a long time. Berta waited for her after class when the Catholics +were having their religion lesson and they went home together. I +remember quite well that I was very angry, for they’re not chums. On +Tuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in class +saying that I knew _everything_ and she needn’t bother about me. Inspee +suspects something, she’s always spying about and sneering, perhaps she +thinks that she’s the only person who ought to know anything. + +October 16th. To-morrow is Father’s and Dora’s birthday. Every year it +annoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father; +What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, as +Father always says, it’s a mere chance. Besides, I don’t think he really +likes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day, +not to share it with someone else. And it’s always nasty to be stuck up +about a thing like that. Besides, it’s not going to be a real birthday +because of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stay +away from the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. to see about +Oswald going there. + +October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All the +Bruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald only +that he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that’s not +true) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. said: The best +thing for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps him +in order. In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella’s +father said, for you can be expelled from a military academy just as +easily as from the Gymnasium. That’s what happened to Edgar Groller. +Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have been +expelled, and we believed you had sprained your ankle. Then he got in +an awful wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I’ve gone and blabbed it +all now, and he went away slamming the door, for Mother wasn’t there. + +October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It must +have been something with a girl. But we can’t think what Father meant +about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to the +head master or to the school committee and that’s how it all came out. I +feel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself if +everything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don’t care now. +But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word, +except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends that +he wants to read, but it’s absurd, for with such a love trouble one +can’t really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but only +that my brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he is +back in Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shot +himself because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was because +of an actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already. + +October 20th. We spend most of our time now with Berta Franke. She says +she has had a tremendous lot of experience, but she can’t tell us yet +because we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. Perhaps she +is afraid we shall give her away. She wants to marry when she is 16 at +latest. That’s in 2 years. Of course she won’t have finished school by +then, but she will have left the third class. She has three admirers, +but she has not yet made up her mind which to choose. Hella says I +mustn’t believe all this, that the story about the three admirers at +once is certainly a cram. + +October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one is dark under the eyes one +has it and that when one gets a baby then one doesn’t have it any more +until one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, but I didn’t +really believe what she said, for I thought she did not know herself +exactly. Then she got very cross and said: “All right, I won’t tell you +any more. If I don’t know myself.” But I can’t believe what she said +about husband and wife. She said it must happen every night, for if not +they don’t have a baby; if they miss a single night they don’t have a +baby. That’s why they have their beds so close together. People call +them _marriage beds!!!_ And it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly +bear it. But one has to for a husband can make his wife do it. I should +like to know how he can make her. But I didn’t dare to ask for I was +afraid she would think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, but +very seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, she is an awfully nice +girl, perhaps Mother will let me invite her here next Sunday. + +October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. Mother cried such a lot. +When Oswald was leaving I whispered to him: I know what’s the matter +with you. But he did not understand me for he said: Silly duffer. +Perhaps he only said that because of Father who was looking on with a +fearful scowl. + +October 27th. Everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday I got +unsatisfactory in history, and in arithmetic to-day I couldn’t get a +single sum right. I’m frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic +lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the money to-morrow, for +if she goes herself she will certainly find out about it. + +October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present at our French lesson +and said awfully nice things about me. She said I was good enough in +French to be in the Third and then she asked me whether I was as good in +the other subjects. I didn’t want to say either Yes or No, and all the +other girls said Yes, she’s good at everything. The head patted me on +the shoulder and said: I’m glad to hear that. When she had gone I cried +like anything and Madame Arnau asked: Why, what’s the matter? and the +other girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but she can +really do her sums awfully well. Then Madame said: “You’ll soon wipe off +that Unsatisfactory.” + +October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother with Fraulein Vischer in +the history lesson. Yesterday when I got into the tram with Mother there +was Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother shouldn’t see her +and so that she should not tell Mother about me. When she came in to-day +she said: Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what she meant +and said “I did bow to you in the tram but you didn’t see me.” “That’s a +fine thing to do, first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by +telling a lie. Sit down!” I felt awful for all the girls looked at me. +In the 11 interval Berta Franke said to me: Don’t worry, she’s got her +knife into you and will always find something to complain of. She must +have spoken to Frau Doktor M., for in the German lesson the subject for +viva voce composition was Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me +again. She didn’t say anything more. She’s a perfect angel, my darling +E. M., her name is Elisabeth; but she does not keep her name-day because +she’s a Protestant; that’s an awful shame because November 19th is +coming soon. + +October 31st. I’ve been so lucky. Nothing’s come out about the gymnastic +lesson though Mother was there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day +I got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and she said: Why, L. +what was the matter with you in your sums the other day, for you’re so +good at arithmetic? I didn’t know what to do so I said: Oh I had such a +headache the other day. Then Berta Franke nearly burst out laughing, +it was horrid of her; I don’t think she’s quite to be trusted; I think +she’s rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she said she had laughed +because “headache” means something quite different. + +November 1st. To-day we began to work at the tablecloth for Father’s +Christmas present. Of course Inspee bagged the right side because that’s +easier to work at and I had to take the left side and then one has +the whole caboodle on one’s hand. For Mother I’m making an embroidered +leather book cover, embroidered with silk and with a painted design; +I can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H.’s lesson, she’s +awfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor M. best of all. I’m _not_ going +to invite Berta Franke because of the way she laughed yesterday, and +besides Mother doesn’t like having strange girls to the house. November +2nd. I don’t know all about things yet. Hella knows a lot more. We said +we were going to go over our natural history lesson together and we went +in to the drawing-room, and there she told me a lot more. Then Mali, +our new servant, came in, and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a +hospital because she’s ill. Mali told us that all the Jews when they +are quite little have to go through a very dangerous operation; it hurts +frightfully and that’s why they are so cruel. It’s done so that they can +have more children; but only little boys, not little girls. It’s horrid, +and I should not like to marry a Jew. Then we asked Mali whether it is +true that it hurts so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can’t be +so bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn’t find everyone doing it. +Then Hella asked her: But have you done it already, you haven’t got a +husband? She said: Go on, Miss! One mustn’t ask such questions it’s not +ladylike. We were in an awful funk, and begged her not to tell Mother. +She promised not to. + +November 5th. Everything has come out through that stupid waist band. +Yesterday when I was tidying my drawers Mali came in to make the beds +and saw my fringed waistband. “I say, she said, that is pretty!” You +can have it if you like, I said, for I’ve given up wearing it. At dinner +yesterday I noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I blushed +all over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, did you give Mali that +waistband? Yes, I said, she asked me for it. She came in at that moment +to clear away and said: “No, I never asked for it, Fraulein Grete gave +it to me herself.” I don’t know what happened after that, I’d gone back +to my room when Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction one +gets out of one’s children. Mali has told me the sort of things you and +Hella talk about. I ran straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali: +How could you tell such tales of us? It was you who chipped in when we +were talking. It was frightfully mean of you. In the evening _she_ must +needs go and complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything +and said: You’re a fine lot, you children, I must say. You are not to +see so much of Hella now, do you understand? + +November 6th. A fine thing this, that I’m a silly fool now. When I gave +Hella a nudge so that she should not go on talking before Mali, she +laughed and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about it, probably +a great deal more than we do. It was only after that that Mali told us +about the Jews. Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now +that I know what I am, a silly fool. And that’s what one’s best friend +calls one! + +November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. We walk together, but +we only talk of everyday things, school and lessons, nothing else. We +went skating to-day for the first time and we shall go whenever we have +time, which is not very often. Mother is working at the table cloth. +It’s very hard work but she has not got as much to do as we have. + +November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady skating to-day, and +she skates so beautifully, inside and outside edge and figures of 8. I +skated along behind her. When she went to the cloak room there was such +a lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to be married soon and whether +_she_ knows all about everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back +the hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as pretty as she +is. But I am dark and she is fair. I wish I could find out her name and +where she lives. I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons in the +evening. + +November 9th. I’m so upset; _she_ didn’t come to skate. I’m afraid she +may be ill. + +November 10th. She didn’t come to-day either. I waited two hours, but it +was no good. + +November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh how pretty she is. + +November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was standing near the entrance +gate and suddenly I heard some one laughing behind me and I knew +directly: That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: Shall we skate +together? Please, if I may, said I, and we went off together crossing +arms. My heart was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, +but couldn’t think of anything sensible to say. When we came back to the +entrance a gentleman stood there and took off his hat and she bowed, and +she said to me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow? +Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were +to-morrow already. + +November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is Anastasia Klastoschek. +I’m sure it can’t be true that she has such a name, she might be called +Eugenie or Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why are there +such horrid names? Fancy if she is really called that. Klastoschek, +too, a Czech name, and she is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26 +already; 26, absurd, she’s 18 at most. I’m sure she’s not so much as +18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, and that she doesn’t think her +particularly pretty. Of course that’s rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one +pretty except herself. + +November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, her name really is +Anastasia Klastoschek and she lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman +didn’t know how old she is. She would not tell me at first but asked why +I wanted to know and who had sent me to enquire. She wouldn’t look into +the book until I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted to +know. Then she looked, for I knew the number of the cloak room locker: +36, a lovely number, I like it so much. I don’t really know why, but +when I hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a squirrel +jumping about in the wood. + +November 20th. It’s really impossible to write every day. Mother is ill +in bed and the doctor comes every day, but I don’t really know what’s +the matter with her. I’m not sure whether the doctor knows exactly. +When Mother is ill everything at home is so uncomfortable and she always +says: Whatever you do don’t get ill, for it’s such a nuisance. But +I don’t mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, for then +everyone’s so nice, when Father comes home he comes and sits by my bed +and even _Dora_ is rather nice and does things for me; that is she _has_ +to. Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did everything +I could for her, she nearly died, her temperature went up to 107 and +Mother was sick with crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when +a man cries. When there was all that row about Oswald he cried, I think +Father had given him a box on the ear. He said he hadn’t but I think +he had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn’t. After all, why +shouldn’t he for he’s not really grown up yet. I cry myself when I get +frightfully annoyed. Still I shouldn’t cry for a box on the ear. + +November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel Schrotter who is the +Herr Catechist’s favourite, no we’ve got to call him Herr Professor, +as she is the Herr Professor’s favourite, well she went to him with the +Bible and asked him what _with child_ meant. That’s what they say of +Mary in the Bible. The Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the +other girls egged her on till she went and asked. The Herr Professor got +quite red and said: If you don’t know yet it does not matter. We shall +come to that later, we’re still in the Old Testament. I was so glad +that Hella does not sit next me in the religion lesson, because she’s +a Protestant; we should certainly have both burst out laughing. Some +of the girls giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to Lisel: +You’re a good girl, don’t bother about the others. But Lisel positively +howled. I would not have asked, even if I hadn’t really known. _With +child_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn’t mean anything really; only if +one knows. + +November 22nd. When I was coming away from the religion lesson with +Berta Franke the other day, of course we began talking about _it_. She +says that’s why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could not +believe that people marry only for _that_. Lots of people marry and then +have no children. That’s all right said Berta, but it’s quite true what +I tell you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can’t write it +all down. It is too horrid, but I shan’t forget. When I was sitting +on Mother’s bed to-day I suddenly realised that Father’s bed is really +quite close to Mother’s. I had never thought about it before. But it’s +not really necessary now for we are all quite big. Still I suppose +they’ve just left things as they were. Well dear, said Mother, what are +you looking round so for? Of course I didn’t let on, but said: I was +only looking round and thinking that if your bed was where the washstand +is you could see to read better when you are lying in bed. That would +not do because the wall’s all wrong said Mother. I said nothing more and +she didn’t either. I like much better to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, +because I like to snuggle up against the back. I’m so glad Mother +didn’t notice anything. One has to be so frightfully careful not to give +oneself away when one knows everything. + +November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely story; it is called +_A True Heart_ and is about a girl whose betrothed has had to leave her +because he has shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains true +to him till he comes back after 10 years and then they marry. It’s +simply splendid and frightfully sad at first. I do love these library +books, but when we were at the elementary school I knew all the books +they had and the mistress never knew what to give me and Hella. In the +high school we get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor says we +have plenty of work to do, and that when we are not at work we ought to +be out in the fresh air. I can’t manage to go skating every day. I do +love the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for I hate her real +name. Inspee declares that they call her Stasi for short, but I don’t +believe that; most likely they call her Anna, but that’s so common. +Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at school I’m known as +Rita. It’s only at home that they will call me Gretl. The other day I +said to Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must call me Rita; +and anyhow I won’t let you call me Gretl, that’s what they call a little +girl or a peasant girl. She said: I don’t care tuppence what _you_ call +me. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end of time. + +November 27th. Father has been made Appeal Court Judge. He is awfully +glad and so is Mother. The news came yesterday evening. Now he can +become President of the Supreme Court, not directly, but in a few years. +We shall probably move to a larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother +that she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she would not be +_disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs her, I suppose I do? Much more +like she disturbs me, always watching while I’m writing my diary. Hella +always says: “There really ought not to be any elder sisters;” she’s +jolly well right. It’s a pity we can’t alter things. Mother says we are +really too big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don’t see why one should ever +be too big for that. Last year Inspee got something from St. Nicholas +when she was 13 and I’m not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and sweets +and dates and that sort of thing, not proper presents. The girls want to +give the Frau Doktor a great Krampus * to leave it on her desk. I think +that’s silly. It’s not a proper present for a teacher one is really fond +of, one doesn’t want to waste sweets on a teacher one doesn’t like, and +to give an empty Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and a +Krampus is only suitable for children. + + * Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves + St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children + An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present + on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas + season.--Translators’ Note. + +December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff a Krampus, each of +us is to subscribe a crown, I hope Father will give me the crown extra. +Perhaps he’ll give us more pocket money now, at least another crown, +that would be splendid. We are going to give big Krampuses to the ones +we like best, and: small ones to those we are not so fond of. We’re +afraid to give one to Professor J. But if he doesn’t get one perhaps +he’ll be offended. + +December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses for the staff. The one for +Frau Doktor M. is the finest. When you open it the first thing you see +is little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales written on the +backs, and then underneath these are the sweets. That’s exactly suited +for her, for the Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in German +they are reading these poets. Last month in the Fourth they had a +Schiller festival and Frau Doktor made a splendid speech and some of +the girls gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an awful poem by +Schiller. There you can read: if only I could catch her in the bath, she +would cry for mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a man. And +then in another place: “To my mate in God’s likeness I can show _that_ +which is the source of life.” But you can only find that in the _large_ +editions of Schiller. I believe we’ve got some books of that sort in +our bookcase, for when Inspee was rummaging there the other day Mother +called from the next room: “Dora, what are you hunting for in the +bookcase? I can tell you where it is.” And she said: Oh, it’s nothing, I +was just looking for something, and shut the door quickly. + +December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have made such a muddle +about the Krampuses for the staff. The money didn’t come out right and +Keller said that Markus had taken some but Markus said not taken only +kept. Of course Markus complained to Frau Doktor and her father went to +the head and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite well that +collections are not allowed and that we must not give any one a Krampus. +Now Keller has the five Krampuses and we don’t know what to do about it. +Mother says that sort of thing never turns out well but always ends in a +quarrel. + +December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella and I and Edith Bergler have +taken the Krampus which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on her +doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for she comes by there +every day on her way to school. I wonder if she’ll guess where the +Krampus comes from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such a +nice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful because she wears +spectacles. But now I’m quite certain she is not deceitful, so one sees +how easy it is to make a mistake. To-morrow’s our German lesson. + +December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything at first. Then she gave +out the subject for the essay: “Why once I could not go to sleep at +night.” The girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said: +Now girls that’s not so very difficult. One person cannot go to sleep +because he’s just going to be ill, another because he is excited by joy +or fear. Another has an uneasy conscience because he has done something +which he has been forbidden to do; have not all of you experienced +something of the kind? Then she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler +and us two. She did not say anything more, so we don’t really know if +she suspects. I couldn’t go to the ice carnival yesterday because I +had such a bad cough, and Dora couldn’t go either because she had a +headache; I don’t know whether it was a real headache or _that kind_ of +headache; but I expect it was that kind. + +December 17th. I haven’t managed to write anything for a whole week. +The day before yesterday we had our Christmas reports: In history I had +satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything else very good. In +diligence because of that stupid Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very +angry; he says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That’s true enough, +but if one has satisfactory in anything then one can’t get a 1 for +diligence. Inspee of course had only 1’s, except a 2 in English. But +then she’s a frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, but +we can’t any of us bear her, she’s so frantically conceited and Berta +Franke says she’s _not to be trusted_. Berta walks to school with her +cousin who’s in the seventh; she’s nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. She +didn’t say what sort of a report she had, but I believe it was a very +bad one. + +December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because she found a little +chicken in her egg, not really a chicken yet, but one could make out +the wings and the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. Still, +I really can’t see what there was to faint about. Afterwards she said it +had made her feel quite creepy. And she’ll never be able to eat another +egg. At first Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but then he +laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! She had to go and lie down +at once and I stayed downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our +room she was reading, that is I saw the light through the crack in the +door; but when I opened the door it was all dark and when I asked: Ah so +you’re still reading she didn’t answer and she pretended to wake up when +I switched on the light and said: What’s the matter? I can’t stand such +humbug so I said: Shut up, you know quite well it’s 9 o-clock. That’s +all. On our way to school to-day we didn’t Speak a word to one another. +Luckily after awhile we met a girl belonging to her class. + +December 19th. I’m frightfully excited to know what I’m going to get for +Christmas. What I’ve wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, +and velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates because mine are +always working loose, _German_ sagas, not Greek; no thank you, hair +ribbons, openwork stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one +Hella got for a birthday present. But Father says that our Christ Child +would find that rather too expensive. Inspee wants a corset. But I don’t +think she’ll get one because it’s unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father +is finished and is being trimmed, but Mother’s book cover is not quite +ready yet. I’m giving Dora a little manicure case. Oh, and I’d nearly +forgotten what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in which to +keep my diary. Dora wants some openwork stockings too and three books. A +frightful thing happened to me the other day. I left one of the pages +of my diary lying about or lost one somehow or other. When I came home +Inspee said: “you’ve lost _this_, haven’t you? School notes I suppose?” + I didn’t notice what it was for a moment, but then I saw by the look +of it and said: Yes, those are school notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not +exactly that are they? You can thank your stars that I’ve not shown them +to Mother. Besides people who can’t spell yet really ought not to keep +diaries. It’s not suitable for children. I was in a wax. In the closet +I took a squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was only _wenn_ +with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ with short _ss’s_, that’s +all. I was jolly glad that there was nothing about _her_ on the page. +She’d underlined the _n_ and the short _ss’s_ with red, just as if she +was a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would be to have a book +with a lock to it, which one could alway keep locked, then no one could +read any of it and underline one’s mistakes in red. I often write so +fast that it’s easy to make a slip now and again. As if she never made a +mistake. The whole thing made me furious. But I can’t say anything about +it because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but no, if I say +nothing at all then she always gets more waxy than ever. If I were to +say much about it Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in the +country and I’d rather not thank you. + +December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She’s going to stay with us for a +time till Mother is quite well again. I didn’t remember her at all, for +I was only four or five when she went away from Vienna. You dear little +black beetle she said to me and gave me a kiss. I didn’t like the +_black_ much, but Hella says that suits me, that it’s _piquant_. +_Piquant_ is what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, Father +says she is a beauty, and she’s dark like me. But I’d rather be fair, +fair with brown eyes or better still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a +beauty? Oh I do hope I shall! + +December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to-morrow. I wonder what +I shall get? Now I must go and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said: +Hullo, is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She’s never done it +before! I should like to know why not. But Aunt Dora took my side. “Of +course she’ll help decorate too; but please don’t stuff yourselves +with sweets.” “If Dora doesn’t eat anything I shan’t either,” said I +promptly. + +Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. The holidays are from the +23rd to January 2nd. It’s glorious. I shall be able to go skating every +day. Of course I had no time to-day and shan’t have to--morrow. I wonder +whether I should send the Gold Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had a +prettier name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All Czech names +are so ugly. Father knows a Count Wilczek, but a still worse name is +Schafgotsch. Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called Schafgotsch +or Wilczek even if he were a count and a millionaire. Yesterday we +paid our respects to the staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor +because she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody wanted to go to +Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say Nikel, for when he has respects paid +to him he always says: “Aw ri’.” But it would have been rude to leave +him out and so the monitors had to go. When Christmas was drawing near +Frau Doktor told us that we were none of us to give presents to the +staff. “I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, for if you +do not there will only be trouble. You remember what happened on St. +Nicholas’ day. And you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, +nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one’s doorstep.” As she +said this she looked hard at me and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left +the Krampus. I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. Hurrah, to-morrow +is Christmas Eve!!! + +December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. One does not know what +to be at. I’m not allowed to go skating so the best thing is to write. +Oswald came home yesterday. Everyone says he’s looking splendid; I think +he’s awfully pale and he snorted when everyone said he had such a fine +colour; of course, how can he look well when he has such a _heartache_. +I wish I could tell him that I understand what he feels, but he’s too +proud to accept sympathy from me. He has wished for an army revolver for +Christmas, but I don’t think he’ll get one for boys at the middle school +are not allowed to have any firearms. Not long ago at a Gymnasium in +Galicia one of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said it was +because the boy was getting on badly with his work, but really it was +about a girl, although the master was 36 years old. This morg. I was +in town with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli and . . . Robert. +Oswald said that Elli was quite nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly +beast. Besides, he can’t stand him he said, because he glared at me so. +If only he knew what happened in the summer! I was awfully condescending +to Robert and that made him furious. If one could only save you girls +from all the troubles which the world calls “Love,” said Oswald on the +way home. I was just going to say “I know that you’re unhappy in love +and I can feel for you,” when Inspee came round the corner of the +Bognergasse with her chum and 2 officers were following them, so none +of them saw us. “Great Scott, Frieda’s full-fledged now,” said Oswald, +“she’s a little tart.” I can’t stand that sort of vulgarity so I did +not say another word all the way home. He noticed and said to Mother: +“Gretl’s mouth has been frozen up from envy.” That’s all. But it was +really disgusting of him and now I know what line to take. + +Just a moment for a word or two. The whole Christmas Eve has gone to +pot. A commissionaire came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. +I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one of those 2 officers? +Of course Inspee says she has not the ghost of an idea. What surprises +me is that Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: I say, what +a lark! But Father was down on him like anything, “You hold your jaw +and think of your own beastly conduct.” I didn’t envy him; I don’t think +much of Dora’s looks myself, but apparently she pleases _someone_. In +the bouquet there was a poem and Dora got hold of it quickly before +Father had seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: One for +whom you have made Christmas beautiful! The heading is: “The Magic +Season.” I think Dora’s splendid not to give herself away; even to me +she declares she does not know who sent it; but of course that may be +all humbug. I think it really comes from young Perathoner, with whom +she’s always skating. + +December 28th. I’ve had absolutely no time to write. I got everything I +wanted. Aunt Dora gave both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in +a plush case. We are going to all the school performances, Father’s +arranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the performances during the +school year 19-- to 19--. I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will come +too. I do hope I shall sit next to her. + +December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through all I have written, but I +could not manage it but in the new year I really must write every day. + +January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences at least. For the +afternoon we had been invited to the Rydberg’s the Warths were there and +Edle von Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel but I would +not say a word to R. They left before us, and then Heddy asked me what +was wrong between me and R. He had said of me: Any one can have the +_black goose for me_. Then he said that any one could take me in. I was +so stupid that I would believe anything. I can’t think what he meant, +for he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would not let _him_ +spoil new year’s day for me. But Hella is quite right for if the +first person one meets on January 1st is a common person that’s a bad +beginning. The first thing this morning when I went out I met our old +postman who’s always so grumpy if he’s kept waiting at the door. +I looked the other way directly and across the street a fine young +gentleman was passing, but it was no good for the common postman had +really been the first. + +January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn’t go skating any more because +Inspee has begun to complain again of her silly old ears and Mother +imagines that she got her earache last year skating. It’s all right to +keep _her_ at home; but why shouldn’t _I_ go? How can _I_ help it when +_she_ gets a chill so easily? In most things Father is justice itself, +but I really can’t understand him this time. It’s simply absurd, only +it’s too miserable to call it absurd. I’m in a perfect fury. Still, I +don’t say anything. + +February 12th. I have not written for a whole month, I’ve been working +so hard. To-day we got our reports. Although I’ve been working so +frightfully hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau Doktor M. made +a splendid speech and said: As you sow, so you shall reap. But that’s +not always true. In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but +I got a 1, and in History I only did not know my lesson once and I got +Satisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein V. does not like me because of that time +when I did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, when +Mother asked about me, she said: “She does not really put her back +into her work.” I overheard Father say: After all she’s only a kid, but +to-day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. He might have +known why she gave me that. Dora, _so she says_, has only ones, but +she has not shown me the report. I don’t believe what I don’t see. And +Mother never gives her away to me. + +February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald has an Unsatisfactory in +Greek. Greek is really no use; for no one uses Greek, except the people +who live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he is going to be +a judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora learns Latin; but not for me thank +you. Hella’s report is not particularly good and her father was in a +_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better report than any one +else. She does not bother much and says: One can’t have everything. But +if she doesn’t get nothing but ones in the summer term she is not +to stay at the high school and will have to go to the middle school. +That’ll make her sit up. Father’s awfully funny too: What have you got +history books for, if you don’t read them? Yesterday when I was reading +my album of stories, Father came in and said: You like a story book +better than a history book, and shut the book up and took it away from +me. I was in such a temper that I went to bed at 7 o’clock without any +supper. + +February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She spoke to me and asked +why I did not come skating any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the +24th was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe it, a year ago my +_sister_ had an earache, and _for that reason_ they won’t allow +_either_ of us to skate this year. She laughed like anything and said so +exquisitely: Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly ravishing: +A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with fur, sable I believe, and a huge +brown beaver hat with crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and +mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always going about with +her. Next autumn, when we get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur +trimmed red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. Hella and Lizzi +are never dressed alike. + +March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta Franker she’s utterly +false. I’ve such a frightful headache because I cried all through +the lesson. She wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A +_Verhaltnis_ ** means something quite different. Just at that moment the +mistress looked across and said: To whom were you nodding? She said: To +Lainer. Because she laughed at the word “Verhaltnis.” It was not true. +I had not thought about the word at all. It wasn’t till I had read the +note that it occurred to Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After the +lesson Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers’ room and told +Frau Doktor M. that Franke and I had laughed at the use of the word +“Verhaltnis.” Frau Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did you +not just do your sums? Fraulein St. said: You ought to be ashamed of +yourselves, young girls in the first class shouldn’t know anything about +such things. I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German lesson +Frau Doktor M. told us to write an essay on the proverb: Pure the +heart and true the word, clear the brow and free the eye, these are our +safeguards, or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it for +me, for I was crying all through the lesson. + + ** The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson + means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in + Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.--Translators’ Note. + +March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk things out with us; but +Hella and I told her we would not speak to her again. We told her to +remember _what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it all +already. We shouldn’t be such humbugs. It was mean of her. Really we +didn’t know anything and _she_ told us all about it. Hella has told +me again and again she wished we didn’t know anything. She says she’s +always afraid of giving herself away and that she often thinks about +that sort of thing when she ought to be learning her lessons. So do +I. And one often dreams about such things at night when one has been +talking about them in the afternoon. Still, it’s better to know all +about it. + +March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, first of all our +lessons take such a lot of time, and second because I don’t care about +it any more since what Father said the other day. The last time I wrote +was on Saturday afternoon, and Father came in and said: Come along +children, we’ll go to Schonbrunn. That will do you more good than +scribbling diaries which you only go and lose when you’ve written them. +So Mother told Father all about it in the holidays. I couldn’t have +believed it of Mother for I begged her to promise not to tell anyone. +And she said: One doesn’t promise about a thing like that; but I won’t +tell anyone. And now she must have told about it, although she said she +wouldn’t. Even Franke’s deceitfulness was nothing to that for after all +we’ve only known her since last autumn, but I could never have believed +that Mother would do such a thing. I told Hella when we were having tea +at the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust her mother, +she’d rather trust her father. But if that had happened to _her_, her +father would have boxed her ears with the diary. I did not want to show +anything, but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a little kiss. And +she said, what’s the matter, dear? has anything happened? Then I could +not keep it in and I cried like anything and said: You’ve betrayed me. +And Mother said: “I?” Yes, you; you told Father about the diary though +you promised me you wouldn’t. At first Mother didn’t remember anything +about it, but soon she remembered and said: “But, little one, I tell +Father everything. All you meant was that Dora was not to know.” That’s +quite true, it’s all right that Dora wasn’t told; but still Father need +not have been told either. And Mother was awfully sweet and nice and I +didn’t go to bed till 10 o’clock. But whatever happens I shan’t tell +her anything again and I don’t care about the old diary any more. Hella +says: Don’t be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; but another time +I should be careful not to lose anything, and besides I should not blab +everything to Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her mother +anything since that time in the summer when her mother gave her a box on +the ear because that other girl had told her all about everything. It’s +quite true, Hella is right, I’m just a child still in the way I run to +Mother and tell her everything. And it’s not nice of Father to tease me +about my diary; I suppose he never kept one himself. + +March 27th. Hurrah we’re going to Hainfeld for Easter; I am so +delighted. Mother has a friend there whose husband is doctor there, so +she has to live there all the year round. Last year in the winter she +and Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were bad. Ada is +really nearly as old as Dora, but Dora said, like her cheek: “Her +intellectual level makes her much more suitable company for you than for +me.” Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They have 2 boys, +but I don’t know them very well for they are only 8 and 9. Mother’s +friend was in an asylum once, for she went off her head when her 2 year +old baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have been more than 2 +years ago when Father and Mother were always talking of poor Anna who +had lost her child within 3 days. And I believed she had really lost it, +and once I asked whether they had found it yet. I thought it had been +lost in the forest, because there’s such a great forest at Hainfeld. And +since then I can’t bear to hear people say lost when they mean dead, for +it is so difficult to know which they really mean. + +On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin and we shall go on +the 11th, on Maundy Thursday. + +April 6th. I don’t know what to do about writing my diary. I don’t want +to take it with me and as for remembering everything and writing it down +afterwards I know quite well I should never do that. Hella says I should +only jot it down in outline, that’s what Frau Doktor M. always says, and +write it out properly after I come back from Hainfeld. That’s what she +does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I’ve never seen the sea. +Hella says there’s nothing so wonderful about it. She’s been there four +times. Anyway she does not think so much of it as most people do. So it +can’t be anything so frightfully grand. Rather stupid I dare say. + +April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a darling but the two boys +are awfully vulgar. Ernstl said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the +a---- if you don’t give me my pistol directly. Ada is as tall as her +mother. Their speech is rather countrified Even the doctor’s. He drinks +a frightful lot of beer; quarts I believe. + +April 14th. Father came to-day. He’s awfully fond of the doctor. They +kissed one another. It did make me laugh. In the morning we were in +the forest; but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but a +tremendous lot of hellebores quite red. + +April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. We did not go into the +church for Mother was afraid that the smell of incense and boots would +make Dora feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon we are going +to Ramsau, it’s lovely there. + +April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go home to-morrow. At +Whitsuntide Ada’s mother is going to bring her to be confirmed. They +are all coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the bank of the +Ramsau. It was awful. But the doctor pulled me out and then we did all +laugh so when we saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily I +was able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should have sunk right in. + +April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni Islands. She is +frightfully sunburned. I don’t like that, so I shall _never_ go to the +_south_. Hella says that if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one’s +honeymoon in the south. That would not suit me, I should just put off my +marriage till the summer. + +Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish priest makes a +tremendous fuss because she’s not confirmed yet. Her mother is going to +bring her to be confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed because +Father and Mother don’t want to be bothered with it. Still I should like +to be confirmed, for then one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask for +something else at Christmas. + +April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful just now. The school +inspector is coming soon. It’s always very disagreeable. Mme A. says: +The inspection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it’s horrid +for the pupils too first of all because we get blamed at the time +and secondly because the staff makes such a frightful row about it +afterwards. Dora says that a bad inspection can make one’s report 2 +degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that I have not yet written +why Oswald did not come home at Easter. _Although his reports were not +at all good_, he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma’s at Pola, because this +year Richard comes home for the holidays for the last time. After that +he’s going away for three years in the steamship “Ozean” to the East or +Turkey or Persia, I don’t quite know where. If Oswald likes he can go +into the Navy too in two years. + +May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first of all in natural +history, thank goodness I wasn’t in for it that time, and then in +German; I was in that, reading and in the table of contents of the +Wandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through all right. + +May 14th. It’s Mother’s birthday to-day. We’ve had simply no time to +work anything for her, so we got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed +table, the switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made of brass. +She was so pleased with it. Yesterday Frau v. R. was here. She’s a +friend of Mother’s and of Hella’s mother. I should like to have music +lessons from Frau v. R., she gives lessons since her husband who was a +major died though she is quite well off. + +May 15th. That must have been true about the inspection; in the interval +to-day Professor Igel-Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, +he will go on coming all through the week and then we shall be all right +for this year. _We_, of course that means the staff. But really the +staff can’t help it if the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it’s +all the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when the inspection is +over. The staff is always quite different when the inspector is there, +some are better, some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel +quite ill with anxiety. + +May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger came from Hainfeld with +Ada and the two boys for the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came +too and in the evening they all went home again. Ada is very pretty, but +she looks countrified. I’m not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to +wait 3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was a very fine day. +Dora did not come; only Mother and I and Ada and her mother. The +women who were selling white favours all thought that I was one of the +candidates because I wore a white dress too. Ada was rather put out +about it. On Saturday we were in town in the morning and afternoon +because Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday morning we +went to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon they went home. The watch they +gave to Ada was a lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for a +locket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that on Sunday she had a +frightful headache. Because she is not used to town noises. + +May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but not everything. I told her +a few things. In H. last winter a girl drowned herself because she was +going to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her mother told her +a little, but not everything. Ada once saw a bitch having her pups, but +she didn’t tell her mother about it; she thought that her mother might +be very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog belonged to their +next door neighbour and she happened to see it in the out-house. Ada +is expecting _it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every +grown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will have one as soon as she +is 14; she knows who it will be. + +June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about the confirmation and +she wrote to me as well. It is strange that she did not make friends +with Dora but with me. I think that Dora won’t talk about _those_ +things, at least only with her friends in the high school, especially +with Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada made friends with me, though I am 2 +years younger. She is really an awfully nice girl. + +June 19th. One thing after another goes missing in our class, first +it was Fleischer’s galoshes, then my new gloves, three times money was +missing, and today Fraulein Steiner’s new vanity bag. There was a great +enquiry. But nothing was found out. We all think it is Schmolka. But +no one will tell. To-day we could none of us attend to our lessons +especially when Sch. left the room at half past 11. + +June 20th. In our closet the school servant found some beads on the +floor but since she did not know anything she threw them into the +dustbin. Was it really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is +frightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the vanity bag for a +birthday present and his photo was in it. But I’m really sorry for +Sch. Nobody will speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She is +frightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. Hella thinks too +that perhaps she didn’t do it, for she is one of Frl. St.’s favourites +and she is very fond of her herself. She always carries the copybooks +home for her. + +June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when the porter came to see +what was the matter he found the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. +now; she can’t possibly use it any more. We giggled all through lessons +whenever we caught one another’s eye and the staff was in a frightful +rage. Only Frau Doktor M. said: “Now please get through with your +laughing over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have done with +it.” + +June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. Verbenowitsch was +collecting the German copybooks and when Sch. wanted to hand up her +copybook she said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won’t have +anything to do with (then there was a long pause) you. We were all +apalled and Sch. went as white as a sheet. At 10 o’clock she begged +permission to leave the room because she felt bad. I’m sure her mother +will come to speak about it to-morrow. + +June 24th. Sch.’s mother did not come after all. Verbenowitsch said: +Of course not! Sch. did not come either. Hella says she couldn’t stand +anything like that, she would rather drown herself. I don’t know, one +wants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. Still, I should tell Father +so that he could speak about it at school. Franke said: Yes, that’s +all very well, because _you_ didn’t do it; but _if_ one had done it one +would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, Sch.’s father is an +invalid, he’s quite paralysed, has been bedridden for two years and +can’t speak. + +June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with Frau Doktor M. Really she +always goes home alone but Hella suddenly left me and went up to +Frau Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau Doktor for +bothering you in the street, we _must_ speak to you. She got quite red. +Then Frau Doktor said: “What’s the matter?” And Hella said: “Isn’t it +possible to find out who took the vanity bag? If it wasn’t Sch. the +way the other girls treat her will make her quite ill, and if it was we +can’t stand having her among us any longer.” Hella was really splendid +and Frau Doktor M. made us tell her everything that had happened, +including about Verbenowitsch and the copybooks; and we saw quite +clearly she had tears in her eyes and she said: “The poor child! +Children I promise I will do what I can for her.” We both kissed her +hand and my heart beat furiously. And Hella said: “You are an angel.” I +could never have managed to say a thing like that. + +June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau Doktor M. did not +say anything. Hella and I kept on looking at her and Hella cleared her +throat three times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing your +throat; it will only make your sore throat worse: But it seemed to me +her eyes twinkled as she said it. So she hasn’t forgotten. I wanted to +speak to Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the Frau Doktor +a chance. She’s taken the matter in hand. To-morrow before 9 we’ll walk +up and down in front of her house till she comes out. + +June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and to-day Frau Doktor’s +first lesson began at 11. But she has already had a talk with Sch. only +we don’t know when and where; certainly it was not in the interval and +she did not send for Sch. during lessons. + +July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her She _is_ such a dear. +Children, she said, this is such a painful matter, and it is difficult +to find a way out. Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she +did it or not these days are burning themselves into her soul and Hella +asked: “Please, Frau Doktor advise us what to do, speak to her or not?” + Then she said: Children I think that after this affair she won’t come +back to us next year; you will be doing a good work if you make these +last days bearable to her. You were never intimate with her, but to give +her a friendly word or two will do you no harm and may help her. You 2 +have a high standing in the class; your example will do good. We walked +with her till we reached the school, and because we were there we could +not kiss her hand but Hella said out loud: How sweet you are! She must +have heard it. But Sch. was not at school. Father says he’s glad that +the term is nearly over, for I have been quite crazy about this affair. +Still, he thinks that Hella and I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. +But Dora said: Yes that’s all right but you must not go too far. + +July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow we are to get our +reports. + +July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and Verbenowitsch because +we shan’t see Frau Doktor M. any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2 +in History and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. Franke says: +Anyone who is not in Professor Igel-Nigl’s good books can find out that +he’s cranky and stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quite +pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella has three twos. +Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father has given each of us a 2 crown piece, +we can blow it, he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. + +July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, its jolly, I’m awfully +pleased; but not until the 20th because Father can’t get away till +then and Mother won’t leave Father so long alone. It is only a few days +anyhow. It’s a pity Hella’s gone already, she left early this morning +for Parsch near Salzburg, what a horrid name and Hella too doesn’t like +saying it; I can’t think how anyone can give a place such a nasty name. +They have rented a house. + +July 12th. It’s shockingly dull. Nearly every day I have a quarrel +with Dora because she’s so conceited Oswald came home yesterday. He’s +fearfully smart nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head +shorter, but then Father’s tremendously tall. And his voice is quite +deep, it was not before. And he has parted his hair on one side, it +suits him very well. He says his moustache is growing already but it +isn’t; one could see it if it were; five hairs don’t make a moustache. + +July 19th. Thank goodness we’re going at last the day after to-morrow. +Father wanted Mother to go away with us earlier, but she would not. It +would have been nicer if she had. + +July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from the Hs. Ada and I spend +the whole day together. There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora’s +here, one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky Oswald says that +Hainfeld bores him to death and that he shall get a friend to invite him +somewhere. Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays here. +His name for Ada is: “Country Simplicity.” If he only knew how much she +knows. Rosa T. he calls a “Pimple Complex” because she has two or three +pimples. Oswald has some fault to find with every girl he comes across. +He says of Dora: She is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and +has cold hands, and he says of me: You can’t say anything about her yet: +“_She_ is still nothing but an unripe embryo.” Thank goodness I know +from the natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little frog; “I +got in a frightful wax and Father said: Don’t you worry, he’s still a +long way from being a man or he would be more polite to his sisters and +their lady friends.” This annoyed him frightfully, and since then he +never says a word when Ada and Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming +soon, thank goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and I shall +be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to-day for the second time. In +August she is going to Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a great +estate and she will learn to ride there. + + + + +SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN + + +SECOND YEAR + +August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. We drove to Glashutte +where it is lovely; there we cooked our own dinner in the inn for the +landlady was ill and so was the cook. On one’s birthday everyone +is always so nice to one. What I like most of all is the Ebeseder +paint-box, and the book too. But I never have any time to read. Hella +sent me a lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund with two +puppies, simply sweet. When I go home I shall hang it up near the door +over the bookcase. Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for me +herself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can’t use it because I prefer +to write upon loose sheets. Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a +great piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; she didn’t know +marzipan before. + +August 9th. When it’s not holidays Ada goes to school in St. Polten +staying there with her aunt and uncle, because the school in H. is +not so good as the school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to +Vienna, for she has finished with the middle school and has to go on +learning. But she has no near relations in Vienna where she could stay. +She might come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself as +she always wants, and Ada and I could share a room. I would much rather +share a room with her than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. + +August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always get what he wants. +Oswald is really going for a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum; +only Oswald of course. I should like to see what would happen if Dora +or I wanted to go anywhere. A boy has a fine time. It’s the injustice of +the thing which makes me furious. For we know for certain that he’s had +a _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us anything about it. But +of course that doesn’t matter. They throw every 2 in our teeth and when +he gets several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. His chum +too; he only got to know Max Rozny this year and he’s a chum already. +Hella and I have been chums since we were in the second in the +elementary school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went to the +High School. We both gave him a piece of our mind about friendship. He +laughed scornfully and said: That’s all right, the friendships of _men_ +become closer as the years pass, but the friendships of you girls go +up in smoke as soon as the first admirer turns up. What cheek. Whatever +happens Hella and I shall stick to one another till we’re married, for +we want to be married on the same day. Naturally she will probably +get engaged before me but she _must_ wait for me before she’s married. +That’s simply her duty as a friend. + +August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we had another scene just +before he left because he wanted one of us to go with him to the station +and help carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada wanted +to volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her a nudge and luckily she +understood directly. Sometimes, but only sometimes, when Dora gets in +a wax she is rather like Hella. She thinks it’s better that Oswald has +gone away because otherwise there are always rows. That’s because she +always comes off second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. And +when he wants to make her really angry he says something to her in Latin +which she can’t understand. I think that’s the real reason why she’s +learning Latin. I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing +like that. I really wouldn’t bother. + +August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, a silver-wire +watchchain; I made it in four days. I hope she’ll get it safely, one can +never be sure in Hungary. + +August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with Japanese lanterns and fir +garlands. The people who have received birthday honours are illuminating +and decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada told me a _few +things_. She knows more than Hella and me, because her father is a +doctor. He tells her mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of +things though they generally stop talking when she comes in. Ada would +like awfully to be an actress. I never thought of such a thing though +I’ve been to the theatre often. + +August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the chain; she is wearing it. +She is really learning to ride at her cousin’s. It’s a pity he’s called +Lajos. But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully nice and +smart, but it’s a pity he’s 22 already. + +August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. She has often been +to the theatre in St. Polten and she is in love with an actor with whom +all the ladies in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants to be an +actress and so that she can live _free and unfettered_. That is why she +would like so much to come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live +with us. She says she is pining away in H. for it’s a dull hole. She +says she can’t stand these _cramping conditions_. In St. Polten she +spent all her pocket money upon flowers for _him_. She always said that +she had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things for school. That’s +where she’s lucky not to be at home, for I could not easily take in +Mother like that. It would not work. One always has too little pocket +money anyhow, and when one lives at home one’s parents know just what +copybooks one has. I should like to go away from home for a few months. +Ada says it is very good for one, for then one learns to know the world; +at home, she says, one only grows _musty_ and _fusty_. When she talks +like that she really looks like an actress and she certainly has talent; +her German master at school says so too. She can recite long poems and +the girls are always asking the master to let her recite. + +August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel’s poem, The Death of Tiberius, it +was splendid; she is a born actress and it’s a horrid shame she can’t go +on the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she says she’s going +on the stage; I expect she will get her way somehow. + +August 31st. Oswald’s having a fine long fortnight; he’s still there +and can stay till September 4th!! If it had been Dora or me. There would +have been a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. Ada says: +We girls must take for ourselves what the world won’t give us of its own +free will. + +September 5th. In the forest the other day I promised Ada to ask Mother +to let her come and stay with us so that she could be trained for the +stage. I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out of the +question. Ada’s parents simply could not afford it. If she has talent, +the thing comes of itself and she need only go to a school of Dramatic +Art so that she could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So I +don’t see why it should be so frightfully expensive. I’m awfully sorry +for Ada. + +September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. I’ve got to pack up my +diary because we’re going home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I +can. There have been some gypsies here for three days, and yesterday one +of the women came into the garden through the back gate and looked at +our hands and told our fortunes, mine and Ada’s and Dora’s. Of course we +don’t believe it, but she told Ada that she would have a great but short +career after many difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she +made a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness awaits me when I am +_as old again as I am now_; a great passion and great wealth. Of course +that must mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How absurd! Dora says +that I look much younger than 12 so that she meant 20 or even 18. But +that’s just as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so many +girls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that it’s impossible that +the old gypsy woman could have thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora’s +fortune was that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and then +happiness. And she told Ada that her line of life was broken!! + +September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, Father kissed him on +both cheeks and said: For God’s sake be a good chap this last year at +school. He has to matriculate this year, it’s frightfully difficult. But +he says that anyone who has cheek enough can get through all right. He +says that cheek is often more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. +I know he’s right; but unfortunately at the moment it never occurs to +me what I ought to do. I often think afterwards, you ought to have said +this or that. Hella is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she’s +not particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. If only half +of what Oswald says he says to the professors is true, then I can’t +understand why he is not expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald +says: If one only puts it in the right way no one can say anything. But +that doesn’t hold always. + +September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. That’s why I’m writing in +the morning, because she’s coming here in the afternoon. I’m awfully +glad. I have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the kind Hella +and I are both so fond of. + +September 20th. Only a word or two. School began again to-day. Thank +goodness Frau Doktor M. still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her +doctor’s degree at the end of the school year. In history we have a new +Frau Doktor, but we don’t know her name yet. The Vischer woman has been +_married_ in the holidays!!! It’s enough to make one split with laughing +that anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora says she wouldn’t like to be her +husband; but most likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles +in a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez for one does not +wear them all the time. But spectacles! Dora says too that she can’t +understand how a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella often +says it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer glares at her through her +spectacles. We have a new natural history professor. I’m awfully glad +that three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that we have one +or really 2 professors, for we have the Religionsprofessor too. In the +Third they are frightfully annoyed because only one of their mistresses +has a doctor’s degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three professors. + +September 25th. All the girls are madly in love with Professor Wilke the +natural history professor. Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the +way home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his head nearly +touches the lamp when he stands up quickly, and a splendid fair beard +like fire when the sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but +no one knows what it means and who we are talking about. + +September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because of Frl. St.’s +vanity bag. Two other girls have left and three new one’s have come, but +neither I nor Hella like them. + +October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History to-day I worked +frightfully hard and _He_ was splendid. We are to look after the +pictures and the animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and I +always wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in the Nat. Hist. lesson +we always put tissue paper of the same colour on the desk. He wants us +to keep notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound ours in lilac +paper, exactly the same shade as his necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we +have to come to school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how happy +I am. + +October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic master, splendid! This +is how we found it out. We, Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe +Sick because he always has his afternoon coffee there. And on Thursday +when we passed by there before the gymnastic lesson there was the +gymnastic master sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as we +passed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar said to us: So you two are +tormented and pestered by my cousin in natural history? “Pestered” we +said, o no, it’s the most delightful lesson in the whole week. “Is that +so?” said he, “I won’t forget to let him know.” Of course we begged and +prayed him not to give us away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope +he will. + +October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner’s mother is dead. We are so sorry for +her. Some of us are going to the funeral, I mayn’t go, Mother says it +is not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I wonder if _He_ +will go? I’m sure he will, for really he _has_ to. + +October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully pale. Franke says she +will certainly get married soon now that both her parents are dead. Her +fiance often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for her in L. +Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of course, because he’s an +officer. I don’t think much of him myself, he’s too short and too fat. +He’s only a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband should be +nearly a head taller than his wife, or at least half a head taller, like +our Father and Mother. + +October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of work to do that we’re not +taking season tickets this winter, but are going to pay each time when +we go skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and where. Hella +thinks that with great caution we might find out from his cousin during +the gymnastic lesson. They are often together in the Cafe. I should +like to know what they talk about, they are always laughing such a lot, +especially when we go by. + +October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is _awfully_ unhappy. She is +back in St. P., in a continuation school. But the actor is not there any +more. She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains which lie heavy +on her soul. Poor darling. No one can help her. That is, her Mother +could help her but she won’t. It must be awful. Hella thinks that her +parents will not allow her to go on the stage until she has tried to do +herself a mischief; then things may be better. It’s quite true, what can +her mother be thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy Ada is. +After all, why on earth shouldn’t she go on the stage when she has so +much talent? All her mistresses and masters at the middle school praised +her reciting tremendously and one of them said in so many words that she +had _great dramatic talent_. Masters don’t flatter one; except . . .; +first of all _He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and +secondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others When he strokes +his beard I become quite hot and cold with extasy. And the way he lifts +up his coat tails as he sits down. It’s lovely, I do want to kiss him. +Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his desk so that _he_ +can hallow it with his hand as he writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic +lesson when I write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks back +at me and we both know what the other is thinking of. + +November 15th. It’s a holiday to-day so at last I can write once more. +We have such a frightful lot to do that I simply can’t manage to write. +Besides Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for the last 4 +days. It’s awfully dull and dreary. Of course I had time to write those +days, but then I didn’t want to write. As soon as Mother is well again +she’s going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on I’m awfully glad +because of S.G. + +November 28th. Mother came to school to-day and saw him too. I took +her to him and he was heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your +daughter; she’s very keen and clever. Then he turned over the pages of +his notebook as if to look at his notes. But really he knows by heart +how we all work. That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossible +with so many girls; and he teaches in the science school as well where +there are even more boys than we are. + +December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold Fairy. She is awfully +pretty, but I really don’t think her so lovely as I did last year. Hella +says she never could think what had happened to my eyes. “You were madly +in love with her and you never noticed that she has a typical Bohemian +nose,” said Hella. Of course that’s not true, but now my taste is _quite +different_. Still, I said how d’you do to her and she was very +nice. When she speaks she is really charming, and I do love her gold +stoppings. Frau Doktor M. has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. + +December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her silly jokes to herself. When +the Trobisch’s were all here to-day they were talking about the school +and she said: “Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; last year it +was Frau Doktor Malburg and this year it’s Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor +Malburg has fallen from grace now.” If I had wanted to I could have +begun about the two students on the ice. But I’m not like that so I +merely looked at her with contempt and gave her a kick under the table. +And she had the cheek to say: “What’s the matter? Oh, of course these +tender secrets of the heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, +it does not matter at your age, for things don’t cut deep.” But she was +rightly paid out: Frau von Tr. and Father roared with laughter and Frau +v. Tr. said: “Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your white hair +in the glass?” Oh, how I did laugh, and she was so frightfully put out +that she blushed like fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ that +I was an ill-mannered pig. That’s why I did not tell her that she’d left +her composition book on the table and to-morrow she has to give it in. +It’s all the same to _me_, for I’m an ill-mannered pig. + +December 9th. It’s awful. At 2 o’clock this afternoon Hella was taken to +the Low sanatorium and was operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother +has just telephoned that the operation has been successful. But the +doctors said that 2 hours later it would have been too late. My knees +are trembling and my hand shakes as I write. She has not slept off the +anisthetic yet. + +December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one can see her except her +father and mother, not even Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a +jolly time and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves +sick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis from that. On Monday +evening, when we were going home after the gym lesson, she said she +did not feel at all well. The night before last she had a rigor and the +first thing in the morning the doctor said that she must go to hospital +at once for an operation. + +December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully excited about +Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was awfully nice and put off mathematics till +next Tuesday. On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does want to see me +so and so do I want to see her. + +December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn’t care about anything; I +got her mother to take some roses and violets from me, she did like them +so much. + +December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella from two until a quarter +to 4. She is so pale and when I came in we both cried such a lot. I +brought her some more flowers and I told her directly that when he sees +me Prof. W. always asks after her. So do the other members of the staff +especially Frau Doktor M. The girls want to visit her but her mother +won’t let them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite different, +like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she said: We can never be +strangers to one another, not even in death. Then I burst out crying +again and both our mothers said I must go away because it was too +exciting for Hella. + +December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. She passed me a little +note asking me to get from her locker the parcel with the blotting-book +for her father and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her +because the things are not ready yet for Christmas. + +December 16th. Hella’s better to-day. I’ve got to paint the +blotting-book for her father. Thank goodness I can. She’ll be able to +finish the key basket herself, that’s nothing. + +December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully unhappy for it won’t +be a real Christmas if Hella has to stay in hospital over Christmas. +But perhaps she will for since yesterday she has not been so well, the +doctors can’t make out why she suddenly had fever once more. For she +didn’t let on that I had brought her some burnt almonds because she’s +so awfully fond of them. But now I’m so terribly frightened that she’ll +have to have another operation. + +December 19th. Directly after school I went to see Hella again for I +had been so anxious I could not sleep all night. Thank goodness she’s +better. One of the doctors said that if she’d been in a private house +he would have felt sure it was an error in diet, but since she was in +hospital that could be excluded. So it was from the burnt almonds and +the two sticks of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for +they were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts lie heavy on +the stomach. She had a pain already while I was still there, but she +wouldn’t say anything about it because it was her fault that I’d brought +her the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, I shan’t bring her +anything but flowers, and they can’t make her ill. Of course it would be +different if it were true about the “Vengeance of Flowers.” But that’s +all nonsense, and besides I don’t bring any strong-scented flowers. + +December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday Hella can come home, +in time for the Christmas tree. Now I know what to give her, a long +chair, Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself but Father +will give me as much as I want. Oh there’s no one like Father! To-morrow +he’s going to take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. + +December 21st. I was only a very short time with Hella to-day because +Father came to fetch me soon. At first she was a little hurt, but then +she saw that we had important business so she said: All right as long as +it is not anything made of marzipan. That nearly gave us both away. For +when we were in the street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that about +marzipan? So I said quickly: Since she’s been ill she has a perfect +loathing for sweets. Thank goodness Father didn’t notice anything. But +I do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all I always feel that +he’ll see through it, and secondly anyhow I don’t like telling fibs to +him. The couch is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the +round bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, but I said: No, +then it would not be my present, and so I paid five crowns and Father +37. To-morrow early it will be sent to the Bruckners. + +December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. She has already been up +a little, but she is still so weak that she has to lean on someone when +she walks. She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says in a +hospital one always feels as if one was going to die. She’s quite +right. The first time I went to see her I nearly burst out crying on the +stairs. And afterwards we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother +knows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. I do hope they +won’t forget about it at the shop. + +December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her father carried her upstairs +while I held her hand. The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to +congratulate her and the old privy councillor on the second story and +his wife sent down a great pot of lilac. She was so tired that I came +away at 5 o’clock so that she could rest. To-morrow I’m going to their +Christmas tree first and then to ours. Because of Hella the Br’s are +going to have the present giving at 5 o’clock, we shall have ours as +usual at 7. + +December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I simply could not write +a word. It was lovely here and at Hella’s. I shan’t write down all the +things I got, because I’ve no time, and besides I know anyhow. Hella was +awfully pleased with the couch, her father carried her into the room and +laid her on the sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It’s certainly +awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, when everyone takes care +of one, and when no one denies you the first place. I don’t grudge it +to Hella. She’s such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, and after +dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: Open the drawer of my +writing-table, the lowest one on the right, and you’ll find my diary +there if you want to read it. I shall never forget it! It’s true that we +agreed we would let one another read our diaries, but we’ve never done +it yet; after all we’re a little shy of one another, and besides after +a long time one can’t remember exactly what one has written. What she +writes is always quite short, never more than half a page, but what she +writes is always important. Of course she couldn’t sleep but instead +I had to read her a lot of things out of her diary, especially the +holidays when she was in Hungary. She was made much of there. By two +cadets and her two cousins. We laughed so madly over some things that it +hurt Hella’s wound and I had to stop reading. + +December 29th. We were put in such a frightful rage yesterday. This is +how it happened. It is a long time since we both gave up playing with +dolls and things of that sort but when I was rummaging in Hella’s box I +came across the dolls’ things; they were quite at the bottom where Hella +never looked at them. I took out the little Paris model and she said: +Give it here and bring all the things that belong to it. I arranged them +all on her bed and we were trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and +Dora came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful look and said: +Ah, at their favourite occupation: look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite +red with excitement over their play. Wasn’t it impertinent. We playing +with dolls! Even if we had been, what business was it of hers to make +fun of us? Hella was in a frightful rage and to-day she said: “One is +never safe from spies; please put all those things away in the box +so that I shan’t see them any more.” It really is too stupid that +one should always be reproached about dolls as if it was something +disgraceful. After all, one doesn’t really understand until later how +all the things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more when one is +quite a little girl and one first gets dolls, one does not understand +whether they are pretty and nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we’ve +done with dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, for the +day after to-morrow is New Year’s Day. + +But what annoys me most of all was this piece of cheek of Dora’s; she +says that Lizzi said: “We used to delight in those things at one time,” + but I was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to eat all the best +things off the Christmas tree on the sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ is +nothing. _That’s_ quite fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper +yesterday I asked: But what’s become of the second marzipan sandwich, +I’m sure there were two on the tree. And I looked at her steadily till +she got quite red. And after a time I said: the big basket of vegetables +is gone too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don’t need to ask your +permission. As for the sandwich, Oswald took that. I was in such a +temper, and then Father said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your +wrath with the second sandwich and wash it down with a sip of liqueur. +For Grandfather sent Father a bottle of liqueur. + +December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. I’ve no interest in +the school any longer. We’re silly little fools, love-sick and forward +minxes. That’s all the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday +and Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange everything and dust +everything and then he can say a thing like that. I shall never write +_he_ with a big h again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow +it all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite Hella. It made me +frightfully angry when Mother told me, but still I’m glad for I know +what line to take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and the sister +of our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- High School, happened to +be there, and she told Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed +because the girls in the high school are so forward. Such silly little +fools, and the little minxes begin it already in the First Class. _For +that reason he prefers to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but they +don’t make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, now that I know +_I_ shant make myself a nuisance to him any more. On Friday, when the +next lesson is, I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the +things into the class-room without saying a word. And I shall tell +Kalinsky too that we’re such an _infernal nuisance_ to him. Just fancy, +as if _we_ were in the First Class! + +January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. makes me perfectly +furious. Hella kept on asking yesterday what was the matter, said I +seemed different somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep it in. +I must keep it in for the sake of her health, even if it makes me ill. +Anyway what use is life now. Since people are so falsehearted. He always +looked so awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way in which +he asked how Hella was and all the time he was so false!!! If Hella only +knew. Aha, to-morrow! + +January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked at the +door--Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what do we want for the lesson +to-day? He very civilly: Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of +a Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as usual.--He turned round +and stared at me: It does not seem to have been; to judge from your +manner. --I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He may +well say O-o-h! For he has not the least idea that I know the way in +which he speaks of us. + +January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She’s +much better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month. +I _must_ tell her before that or she’ll get a shock. Yesterday she +asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?--Oh yes, I fibbed, but not +so often as before. And she said: That’s the way it goes, out of sight +out of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan’t +tell her until she’s quite strong. + +January 10th. I’ve had to tell Hella already. She was talking so +enthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said: +What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange the +things any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of course I’m _allowed_, but I don’t +_want_ to any more. I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; for +I really _was_ madly in love with him. + +January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rather +must be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upset +that her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had pains +and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she’s got over it like +me. She said to-day: Don’t let’s bother ourselves about it any more. We +wasted our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such moments +she is magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides in +the holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. +Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller than +me. Dora is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is. +Thank goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2. + +Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is going +to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks. + +January 18th. It’s horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise, +since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again. +Her mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginning +of February. + +January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she went +away, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She’s awfully nice, +though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sit +together. For it’s horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a good +deal already. She would not talk about it at first because it so often +leads to trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He’s rather a +swell and is called Paul. + +January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowed +to go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, +one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 other +girls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he’s going into the army, the +flying corps. That’s even more select than being on the general staff. +Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to the +military academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is to +choose for himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boys +want to be what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into the +Navy. I wish I knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: Good +God, I’m not doing it on my own account. I’m only doing it because of +Oswald. The two girls won’t get much out of it. + +February 3rd. I’ve just been reading what I wrote about Father. I am +wondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win the +great prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Dora +and I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswald +only. + +February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn’t +know; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us. +But it must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in the +evening that I had asked. I can’t endure these secrets. Why shouldn’t +we know that Father’s going to buy a house. Fritzi’s grandfather has a +house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressed +and her mother too. + +February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming back to-morrow, just before +her birthday. Luckily she can eat everything again so I am giving her a +huge bag of Viktor Schmid’s sweets with a silver sugar tongs. Mother and +I are going to meet Hella at the station. They are coming by the 8.20. + +February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming to-day. I nearly could not +meet her because Mother is not very well to-day. But Father’s going to +take me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow afternoon, but +she can’t. She’s an awfully nice girl and her brother is too, but on the +first day Hella is back we must be alone together. She said so too in +the last letter she wrote me. She’s been away more than 3 weeks. It’s a +frightfully long time when you are fond of one another. + +February 15th. I simply can’t write my diary because Hella and I spend +all our free time together. Yesterday we got our reports. Of course +Hella has not got one. Except in Geography and History I have nothing +but Ones, even in Natural History although since New Year I have not +done any work in that subject. I detest Natural History. When Hella +comes back to school we are going to ask the _sometime_ S. G. to relieve +us from the labours of looking after the things. Hella is still too +weak to do it. Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going to +be wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but she’s lovely +already. She’s been burned as brown as a berry by the warm southern sun, +and it really suits _her_, though only her. I can’t stand other people +when they are sun-burned. But really everything suits Hella; when she +was so pale in hospital, she was lovely; and now she is just as lovely, +only in quite a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says: +You can measure a girl’s beauty by the degree in which she bears being +sunburned without losing her good looks. He really used to say that in +the holidays simply to annoy Dora and me, but he’s quite right all the +same. + +February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. They were all +awfully nice to Hella, and Frau Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her +arm round her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today was the +Natural History lesson. We knocked at the door and when we went in Prof. +W. said: Ah I’m glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you don’t give +us all another fright. How are you? Hella said: “Quite well, thank you, +Herr Prof.” And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious +face and he said: It seems to me that you’ve caught your friend’s ill +humour.--Hella: “Herr Prof., you are really too kind, but we don’t want +to trouble you. What things have we to take to the class-room? And then +we beg leave to resign our posts, for I don’t feel strong enough for the +work.” She said this in quite a soldierly way, the way she is used to +hear her father speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked at us +and said: “All right, two of the other pupils will take it over.” We +don’t know whether he really noticed nothing or simply did not wish +to show that he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so awfully +sorry; for it was the last time, the very last time. + +February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got _Unsatisfactory_. I +was not being questioned, but when Klaiber could not answer anything I +laughed, and he said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. But +since I had been thinking of something quite different I did not know +what it was all about, and so I got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ of +course that would not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and +Franke did all they could to console me and said: “That does not matter, +it wasn’t an examination; he’ll _have_ to examine you properly later.” + Anyhow Franke thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off if +he gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor can forget _such a +defeat_. For we told her about the silly little fools. She said, indeed, +that we had made it too obvious. That’s not really true. But now she +takes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. Verbenowitsch +and Bennari bring in the things now. They are much better suited for it. +Hella’s father did not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter +or the maidservant are there for that--we never see them all the year +round, that’s a fine thing. + +March 8th. Easter does not come this year until April 16th. I am going +with the Bruckners to Cilli, outside the town there they have a vineyard +with a country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully glad. All the +flowers begin to come out there at the end of March or beginning of +April. + +March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met a gentleman to-day, +very fashionably dressed with gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair +moustache. Hella blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat +and said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking very well. How are +you? He never looked at me, and when he had gone she said: “That was Dr. +Fekete, who assisted at my operation.”--“And you tell me _that_ now for +the first time?” Then she put on an innocent air and said: “Of course, +we’ve never met him before,” but I said: “I don’t mean _that_. If you +knew how red you got you would not tell me a lie.” Then she said: “What +am I telling you a lie about? Do you think I’m in love with him? Not in +the very least.”--But when one is _not_ in love one does not blush like +that. Anyhow I shan’t tell everything now either; I can hold my tongue +too. + +March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another so much as usual; I +especially was very silent. When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been +doing the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and brought me +some lovely violets, so of course I forgave her. This is really the +first time we’ve ever quarrelled. First she wanted to bring me some +sweets, but then she decided upon violets, and I think that was much +more graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when it has hurt +itself or been in a temper. But flowers are not for a child. + +March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all terribly upset. None of us +were very intimate with her, but now that she is dead we all remember +that she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following +rheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, except Hella who was not +allowed to come. Her mother cried like anything and her grandmother +still more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white roses with +a lovely inscription: Death has snatched you away in the flower of your +youth--Your Schoolfellows. + +I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not see Frieda Belay after +she was dead, but Franke was there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. +She says she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In the +church Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother was buried only a +month ago and now she was reminded of it all and was frightfully upset. +I cried a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was because I +was thinking she might have died last Dec. But that wasn’t it, I don’t +think about that sort of thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully +sad. + +March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I can’t go to Cilli with +Hella. Her mother was at her cousin’s, and when she heard that she was +going to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with her. That +is, she didn’t ask straight out, but kept on hinting until Hella’s +mother said: Let Melanie come with us, it will help to set her up after +her illness. In the winter she had congestion of the lung. Hella and +I can’t bear her because she’s always spying on us and is so utterly +false. So of course I can’t go. Hella says too she’s frightfully sorry, +but when _she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, it +would drive us crazy. She quite agrees that I had better not come. But +oh I’m so annoyed for first of all I do so like going away with Hella +and secondly I should like to go away in the holidays anyhow for nearly +all the girls in our class are going away. Still, there’s nothing to be +done. Hella’s mother says she can’t see why we can’t all 3 go though +it simply would not work. But we can’t explain it to her. Hella is so +poetical and she says “A beautiful dream vanished.” + +In Hella’s mouth such fine words sound magnificent, but when Dora uses +such expressions they annoy me frightfully because they don’t come from +her heart. + +March 26th. The school performances finish today with Waves of the Sea +and Waves of Love. I’m awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write +anything about that. For anyhow the play is written by a poet and one +can read it if one wants to, and one just sees the rest anyhow. I can’t +make out what Dora finds such a lot to scribble about always the day +after we’ve been to the theatre. I expect she’s in love with one of the +actors and that’s why she writes such a lot. Besides we in the second +class did not get tickets for all the performances, but only the girls +from the Fourth upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow for +we often go in the evening and on Sunday afternoons. But unfortunately I +mayn’t go in the evening as a rule. + +March 29th. To-day something horrible happened to Dora and me. I simply +can’t write it down. She was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the +Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened when she was travelling +with Mother on February 15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing +to see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there was only one +gentleman in the carriage, Mother always travels second class. She and +Mother were sitting together and the gentleman was standing farther down +the carriage where Mother could not see him but Dora could. And as Dora +was looking he opened his cloak and -- -- --! just what the man did +to-day at the house door. And when they got out of the train Dora’s boa +got stuck in the door and she had to turn round though she did not want +to, and then she saw again -- -- --! She simply could not sleep for a +whole month afterwards. I remember that time when she could not sleep +but I did not know why it was. She never told anyone except Erika and +the same thing happened to her once. Dora says that happens at least +once to nearly every girl; and that such men are “_abnormal_.” I don’t +really know what that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hella +will know. Of course I did not really look, but Dora shivered and said: +“And _that_ is what one has to endure.” And then, when we were talking it +over she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and because she +has had five children; Then I was very silly and said: “But how from +_that_? one does not get children from that?” “Of course,” she said, +“I thought you knew that already. That time there was such a row with +Mali about the waistband, I thought you and Hella had heard all about +everything.” Then I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for +instead of telling her what I really knew I said: “Oh, yes, I knew all +about it except just that.” Then she burst out laughing and said: “After +all, what you and Hella know doesn’t amount to much.” And in the end she +told me a _little_. If it’s really as Dora says, then she is right when +she says it is better not to marry. One can fall in love, one must fall +in love, but one can just break off the engagement. Well, that’s the +best way out of the difficulty for then no one can say that you’ve never +had a man in love with you. We walked up and down in front of the school +for such a long time that we were very nearly late and only got in just +as the bell rang. On the way home I told Hella the awful thing we’d seen +the man do. She does not know either what “abnormal” really means _as +far as this is concerned_. But now we shall use it as an expression for +something horrible. Of course no one will understand us. And then Hella +told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . was walking through the +streets _like that_ and was arrested. She says _too_ that one can never +forget seeing anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning was +drunk too. But he didn’t look as if he were drunk. And if he hadn’t done +_that_ one would really have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knows +too that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She explained it +all to me and now I can quite understand that _that_ must make one ill. +Yesterday it was after 11 at night and so I’m finishing to-day. Hella +says: _That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which Adam +and Eve committed. Before I had always believed the original sin was +something quite different. But that--that. Since yesterday I’ve been so +upset I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look at all, +but I must have seen it all the same. + +March 30th. I don’t know why, but in the history lesson to-day it all +came into my head once more what Dora had said of Father. But I really +can’t believe it. Because of Father I’m really sorry that I know it. +Perhaps it does not all happen the way Dora and Hella say. Generally I +can trust Hella, but of course she may be mistaken. + +April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She is quite different now +from what she used to be. One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. +Only common people say P--. Or one can say one’s _like that_. Dora +has had M-- since August before last, and it is horribly disagreeable, +because men always know. That is why at the High School we have only +three men professors and all the other teachers are women. Now Dora +often does not have M-- and then sometimes it’s awfully bad, and that’s +why she’s anemic. That men always know, that’s frightfully interesting. + +April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. Dora certainly knows +more than I do, that is not more but better. But she isn’t quite +straightforward all the same. When I asked her how she got to know about +it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she said: “Oh, I don’t know; +one finds it all out somehow; one need only use one’s eyes and one’s +ears, and then one can reason things out a little.” But seeing and +hearing don’t take one very far. I’ve always kept my eyes open and I’m +not so stupid as all that. One must be told by some one, one _can’t_ +just happen upon it by oneself. + +April 6th. I don’t care about paying visits now. We used always to like +going to see the Richters, but to-day I found it dull. Now I know why +Dora hates going second class on the Metropolitan. I always thought it +was only to spite me because I like travelling second. She never likes +going second since _that_ happened. It seems one is often unjust to +people who never meant what one thought. But why did she not tell me the +truth? She says because I was still a child then. That’s all right, but +what about this winter when I was cross because we went Third class to +Schonbrunn; I really believed she did it to annoy me, for I could not +believe she was afraid that in the second class, where one is often +alone, somebody would suddenly attack her with a knife. But now I +understand quite well, for of course she could not tell Mother the truth +and Father still less. And in winter and spring there are really often +no passengers to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on the Outer +Circle. + +April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters yesterday we, +especially I, had been frightfully dull and stupid. Why had we kept on +exchanging glances? We had been most unmannerly. If she had only known +what we were thinking of when Frau Richter said, the weather to-day is +_certainly quite abnormal_; we have not had such _abnormal_ heat for +years. And then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about his brother +who had spent the whole winter at Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my +brother is a little _abnormal_, I think he’s got a tile loose in the +upper storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau R. helped +us once more to a tremendous lot of cake and I was able to lean well +forward over my plate. And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton +and just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother was _very_ unjust +to me, for the cake had nothing at all to do with it. Dora says too that +I must learn to control myself better, that if I only watch her I’ll +soon learn. That’s all very well, but why should one have to bother? If +people did not use words that really mean something quite different then +other people would not have to control themselves. Still, I must learn +to do it somehow. + +April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite early, at half past 8, +they telephoned from the school that Dora had suddenly been taken ill +in the Latin lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother drove down +directly in a taxi and I went with her because anyhow my lessons began +at 9 and we found Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting +by her and the head’s friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, who is a medical +doctor, and they had loosened her dress and put a cold compress on her +head for she had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That’s the third +time this year, so she must really have anemia. I wanted to drive home +with her, but Mother and Frau Dr. P. said I’d better just go to my +lessons. And as I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: “That’s a fine +healthy girl, a jolly little fellow.” Really one should only use that +word of boys and men, but I suppose she has got into the way of using it +through being with men so much. If one studies medicine one has to learn +all about _that_ and to look at everything. It must be really horrid. + +Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too that she’s anemic. +To-morrow or the day after Mother is going to take her to see a +specialist. Dora says it’s a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can’t +hear what people are saying and one feels quite weak and then one does +not know anything more. I wonder if I shall ever faint? Very likely when +-- -- -- We talked a lot about everything we are interested in. In the +afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and she thinks she looks +awfully pretty in bed, an interesting invalid and at the same time so +distinguished looking. It’s quite true, we all look distinguished. + +April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother’s _wedding day_. Now I know +_what_ that really means. Dora says it can’t really be true that it is +the most lovely day in one’s life, as everyone says it is, especially +the poets. She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed because +after all everyone knows. . . . That’s quite true, but after all one +need not tell anyone which one’s wedding day is. Dora says she will +never tell her children which her wedding day is. But it would be a +great pity if parents always did that for then in every family there +would be one anniversary the less. And the more anniversaries there are, +the jollier it is. + +April 10th. To-morrow I’m going with Father to Salzburg. Dora can’t +come, for they think she might faint in the train. I’m rather glad +really, though I’ve nothing against her and I’m sorry for her, but it’s +much nicer to go with Father alone. It’s a long time since I was in +Salzburg. I’m so awfully glad to go. Our spring coats and skirts are so +pretty, dark green with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and +light brown straw hats with daisies for the spring and later we +shall have cherries or roses. I’m taking my diary so that I can write +everything which _interests_ me. + +April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father says I ground my +teeth frightfully and was very restless: but I did not know anything +about it. We had a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when +there was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with us, because her +aunt, who has just been married, is coming to visit them. Really I’m +quite glad, for I like so much being with Father quite alone. This +afternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock Theatre. It is wonderful. + +April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! But I don’t much like +it when other people are there. To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The +weather was lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive a +view it always makes me feel sad. Because there are so many people one +does not know who perhaps are very nice. I should like to be always +travelling. It would be splendid. + +April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was writing a letter to +Mother and he let me go to see the salt works; I don’t know how it +happened, but suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, in a +place I did not know. Then an old gentleman asked me what I was looking +for; because I had walked past the same place 3 times and I said we were +staying in the “Zur Post Hotel” and I did not know how to find my way +back. So he came with me to show me and as we were talking it came out +that he had known Father at the university. So he came in with me and +Father was awfully glad to see him. He is a barrister in Salzburg but he +has a grey beard already. As he was going away he said in an undertone +to Father: “I congratulate you old chap on your daughter; she’ll be +something quite out of the ordinary!” He whispered it really, but +I heard all the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at the +Kapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military band; two young officers +in the Yagers who were sitting at the next table to ours kept on looking +our way; one was particularly handsome. My new summer coat and skirt is +awfully becoming everyone says. Father says too: “I say, you’ll soon be +a young lady! But don’t grow up too quickly!” I can’t make out why he +said that; I should like to be quite grown up; but it will be a long +time yet. + +April 14th. It’s been raining all day. How horrid. One can’t go +anywhere. All the morning we were walking about the town and saw several +churches. Then we were at the pastrycook’s, where I ate 4 chocolate +eclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for dinner. + +April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. Gratzl sent up the hotel +clerk to ask us to dinner. We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. +He has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three years ago. One +of the sons is a student in Graz and the other is a lieutenant in the +army; he is engaged to be married. The daughters are quite old already; +one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is horrid. The youngest +(!!!) is 24. It is so funny to say “the youngest” and then she is 24. +Father says she is very pretty and will certainly get married At 24!! +when she’s not even engaged yet; I don’t believe she will. They have a +large garden, 3 dogs and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There +are steps leading up and down from room to room, it is lovely, and all +the windows are bow-windows. Everything is so old-fashioned, even +the furniture I do think it’s all so pretty. The hall is round like a +church. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed fruit, and pastries. I +had a huge go of stewed fruit. They have a gramaphone and then Leni and +I played the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the student, came +in; he got quite red and in the hall Dr. Gratzl said to me: “You’ve made +a conquest to-day.” I don’t really believe I have, but I do like hearing +it said. I’m sorry to say we are going away to-morrow, for we are going +to stay 2 days in Linz with Uncle Theodor whom I don’t know. + +April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt Lina is old too. Still, +they are both awfully nice. I did not know them before. We are staying +with them. In the evening their son and his wife came. They are my +cousins, and they brought their little girl with them; I am really a +sort of aunt of hers. It’s awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only +12 and 3/4 and when one’s niece is 9. To-day we went walking along the +Danube. It only rained very gently and not all the time. + +April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course we have sent a lot of +picture postcards to Mother and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald +too. He came home for Easter. I don’t know whether he will still be +there to-morrow. + +April 22nd. We’ve begun school again. Dora and I generally walk to +school together since she does not go to the Latin lesson now because +it was too great a strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see +wanted her to give up studying altogether, but she absolutely refuses to +do that. But I’m very furious with her; she’s learning Latin in secret. +When I came into the room the day before yesterday she was writing +out words and she shut her book quickly instead of saying openly and +honestly: Rita, don’t tell Father and Mother that I’m still studying +in the evening: “I trust your word.” She could trust me perfectly well. +There are plenty of things I could tell if I liked! Perhaps she fancies +that I don’t see that the tall fair man always follows us to school in +the morning. Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully bald +and must be at least 30. And I’m certain she would not talk as much as +she does to Hella and me if it were not that she wants to talk about +_that_. But this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise we are +now quite intimate with one another. + +April 24th. We went to confession and communion to-day. I do hate +confession; though it’s never happened to me what many girls have told +me, even girls in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the 6th +commandment; all they’ve asked is: In thought, word, or deed? Still, I +do hate going to confession, and so does Dora. It’s much nicer for Hella +as a Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion I’m always +terrified that the host might drop out of my mouth. That would be awful. +I expect one would be immediately excommunicated as a heretic. Dora was +not allowed to come to confession and com., Father would not let her. +She must not go out without her breakfast. + +April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who dropped the host out +of her mouth. There was a frightful row about it. She said it was not +her fault the priest’s hand shook so. It’s quite true, he was very old, +and that is why I’m always afraid it will happen to me. It’s much better +when the priest is young, because then that can never happen. Father +says that the girl won’t be excommunicated for this, and luckily one of +her uncles is a distinguished prelate. He is her guardian too. That will +help her out. + +April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in the interval. She is +awfully nice and she says she really did not do it on purpose for she is +frightfully pious and perhaps she’s going to be a nun. I am pious too, +we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I would not go into a convent, +not I. Dora says people generally do that when they’ve been crossed +in love, because then the world seems empty and hateful. She looked so +frightfully sentimental that I said: Seems to me you’ve a fancy that way +yourself? Then she said: “No, thank goodness, I’ve no reason for that.” + Of course what she meant was that she was not crossed in love but the +other way. No doubt the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at her +for a long time and said: “I congratulate you on your good fortune. But +Hella and I wish he was not bald,” then she said with an astonished air: +“Bald? What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of a thinker.” + +27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. I have forgotten to +say that Dora has to go out every day for two hours to sit and walk in +the sunshine. Since Mother is not very well and can’t walk much, we’ve +engaged the Mad. Father says that when I have time I must go too “as +a precautionary measure.” I don’t like the idea at all, it’s much too +dull; besides I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week, +Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, Thursdays, and +Saturdays I have my music lesson, so I can’t go; so Finis and +Jubilation! That’s what Oswald always says at the end of the year and +at the end of term. Still, she’s very pretty, has fair curly hair, huge +grey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, but she speaks so fast that I +can’t understand all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman is +to come, but we have not got one yet, they are all so expensive. It does +seem funny to me to get a salary for going out with _grown up girls_, +that’s only an amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw last year +in Rathaus Park, it would be different. As for the French or English +conversation! If they did not want to talk what would it matter? And +besides why should one want to talk either French or English, it’s so +stupid. + +April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and the eldest son came too, +the lieutenant from Lemberg; he is awfully handsome and made hot love +to Dora; Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry +in Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring Dora one of +Tolstoi’s books to read. Then they will do some music together, she +piano and he violin; it’s a pity I can’t play as well as Dora yet. At +Whitsuntide Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means conqueror) is +on furlough for 6 months, because he’s ill, or because he is said to be +ill; for one does not look like _that_ when one is really ill. + +May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he must be frightfully +smitten with Dora. But Father won’t have it at any price. He said to +Dora to-day: + +“You get this gay young spark out of your head; he is no good. But at +sight of a uniform there is no holding you girls. I’ve no objection to +you doing music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual running +to and fro with books and notes is all humbug.” + +May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is with Dora, to school every +day. He is supposed to lie in bed late every morning, for he is really +ill but for Dora’s sake he gets up frightfully early and comes over from +Heitzing and waits in ---- Street. Of course I go on alone with Hella +and we all meet In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything at +school. + +May 13th. To-morrow is Mother’s birthday and Viktor (when I am talking +about him to Dora I always speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely +roses and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the hall he called +me “the Guardian Angel of our Love.” Yes, that is what I am and always +shall be; for he really deserves it and Dora too is quite different +from what she used to be. Hella says one can see for oneself that love +ennobles; up till now she has always thought that to be mere poetical +fiction. + +May 15th. Father said: I don’t care much about these visits to the +Richters as long as that _young jackanapes_ is still there, but Mother +can’t very well refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts with +the white blouses with the little green silk leaves for Dora does not +like to wear all white except in summer. And because the leaves on the +blouses are _clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We are +looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope Mother will be all right, +for she is in bed to-day. It’s horrid being ill anyhow, but when being +ill interferes with other people’s pleasure it’s simply frightful. + +May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother’s birthday; but it was not +so jolly as usual because Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present +I painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which looks awfully +chic. Dora gave her a book cover embroidered with a spray of Japanese +cherries, I don’t know what Father gave her, money I think, because on +her birthday and name day he always hands her an envelope. But since +Mother is not well we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her +health at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought we were not +looking. Still, it’s not so dangerous as all that; she is able to go out +and doesn’t look bad. I think Mother’s awfully smart, she looks just as +well in her dressing gown as when she’s dressed up to go out. Dora says +that if she had been made ill by her husband she would hate him and +would never let her daughters marry. That’s all very well, but one ought +to be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has become ill. They say that +is why Aunt Dora doesn’t like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to +her as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see Mother. But +after all, Aunt Dora has no right to make _scenes_ about it to Father, +as Dora says she does. Mother’s the only person with any right to do +that. Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother’s having to +have an operation. Nothing would ever induce me to undergo an operation, +it must be horrible, I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. But +Dora says: “Anyone who’s had five children must be used to that sort +of thing.” I shall pray every night that Mother may get well without an +operation. I expect we shan’t all go away together at Whitsuntide this +year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health resort, most likely to +Franzensbad. + +May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter was there from Modling, +he was awfully nice, and said I was so like my sister that it was +difficult to tell us apart. That’s a frightful cram, but I know what +he really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and the three played +a trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed with myself for not having +worked harder at my music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours +every day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter Viktor is going to +found a private dramatic club, so he must be going to stay more than six +months in Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and when I said: +“The great pity is that she’s got such frightful anemia,” he said: In a +man’s eyes that is no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. +Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often makes a girl +more charming than ever, as you can see in your sister. + +Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for the first time; anybody +can have her for me. She wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is +engaged, but Dora says, has been. I simply don’t believe it. V. says +Mad. is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora if she was not jealous, she +said she didn’t care, she was quite sure of his love. He means to leave +the army and go into the civil service, and then he will be able +to marry. But Dora said, there’s plenty of time for that, a secret +engagement is much nicer. Then she noticed she’d given herself away, and +she blushed like anything and said: You naturally must be engaged before +you are married, mustn’t you?--of course she _is_ secretly engaged, but +she won’t tell me about it. What’s the good of my being the “Guardian +Angel of their Love?” If he only knew. + +May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I simply have no +time, first of all I had my lesson anyhow, and secondly something awful +happened to Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; and +because we have our religion lesson in the Fifth I saw a green bound +book lying under the third bench. Great Scott, I thought, that looks +like Dora’s diary. I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchel +over it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When I got home +at 1 o’clock I did not say anything at first. After dinner +she began rummaging all over the place, but without saying +anything to me, and then I said quite quietly: “Do you hap--pen +to be look--ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--it +in--the--fifth--class--un--der--the--third--bench.” (I kept her on +tenter hooks that way.) She got as white as a sheet and said: “You _are_ +an angel. If any one else had found it, I should have been expelled +and Mad. would have had to drown herself.” “Oh, it can’t be as bad as all +that,” I said, for what she said about Mad. was frightfully exciting. In +class I had looked chiefly at what she had written about V. But I could +not read it there, because it was written very small and close together +and was several pages, but I had not looked much at what she had written +about Mad. “Did you read it?” “No, only where it happened to come open +because there’s a page torn out.” “About V. or about Mad?” “A little about +Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan’t tell anyone. For if I’d wanted +to betray you, you know quite well. . . .” And then she told me all +about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would not even tell Hella. +Mad. is secretly engaged to a man to whom she has given “the utmost +gifts of love,” that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love with +him, and they would marry directly but he is a lieutenant too, and they +have not enough money for the security. She says that when one really +loves a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has often been to +his rooms, but she has to be frightfully careful for her father would +kill her if he found out. Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he is +very handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. says that you can’t +trust men as a rule, but that her lover is quite different, that he is +true as steel. I am sure V. is too. + +May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could not look at her while +Mother was there and Dora says I made an awful fool of myself. For +I went out walking with them to-day, and when we met a smart-looking +officer I hemmed and looked at Dora. But she didn’t know why. Mad. is +the daughter of a high official in the French military service and she +only took her teacher’s degree in order to get free from her Mother’s +“_tyranny_;” she nagged at her frightfully and until she began to give +lessons she was never allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very +refined in her speech, especially when she is talking about _these_ +things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks German, for it’s +much more difficult to say it in French, and probably Dora would not +understand it and then Mad. would only have to translate it. She is +called Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. says that if one is madly +in love with a man one does whatever he asks. But I don’t see that one +need do that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he might ask you +to get the moon out of the skies, or to pull out a tooth for his sake. +Dora says she can understand it quite well; that I still lack _the true +inwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter nonsense. But +since it sounds fine I’ve written it down, and perhaps I shall find +a use for it some day when I’m talking to Walter. Mad. is always +frightfully anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did she’s sure +her father would kill her. The lieutenant is in the flying corps. He +hopes he’s going to invent a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lot +of money out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But it would be +awful if _something happened_ and she got a baby already. + +May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I knew all about these things, +whether Hella had told me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said +quite casually: “Oh, one can read all about that in the encyclopedia.” + But Dora laughed and said: “You are quite on the wrong scent; you can’t +find a tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what you do +find is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely no good_ depending +on books.” First of all she would not tell me any more, but after a +time she told me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, and +about _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic baby which really comes +from the husband, and not as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. +And how one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is really an awful +word. In fact almost every word has a second meaning of _that_ sort, and +what Dora says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when one is +talking. Dora thinks it would be best to make a list of all such words, +but there are such a frightful lot of them that one never could. The +only thing one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets used +to it. Still it happened to Dora the other day that she said to V.: I +don’t want any _intercourse_. And that really means “the utmost gifts +of love,” so Mad. told her. But V. was so well-mannered that he did +not show that he noticed anything; and it did not occur to Dora until +afterwards what she had said. It’s really awfully stupid that every +ordinary word should have such a meaning. I shall be so frightfully +careful what I say now, so that I shan’t use any word with two meanings. +Mad. says it’s just the same in French. We don’t know whether it is the +same in English and we could never dream of asking that awful fright, +Miss Lundy. Very likely she does not know the first thing about it +anyhow. I know a great deal more than Hella now, but I can’t tell her +because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can give her a hint to +be more careful in what she says, so as not to use any word with two +meanings. That is really my duty as a friend. + +May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had his written matriculation +exam, he wrote a postcard every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed +because he made such silly jokes all the time that we could not really +tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully excited because next Monday +we are going to the aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is at +the conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to fly too. Of course +we’ll motor out because the railway is not convenient. Of course Viktor +will be there, but he is motoring over with some other officers. It’s +a great pity, for it would have been lovely if he’d been in our car. By +the way, I saved the class to-day, the school inspector has been this +week and examined our class first in History and then in German, and I +was the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor M. had told us about the +Origin of Fable. The insp. was very complimentary and afterwards Frau +Doktor M. said: its quite true one can always depend upon Lainer; she’s +got a trustworthy memory. When we were walking home she was awfully +nice: “Do you know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your pardon.” + I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But why? She said: “It seemed to me +this year that you were not taking quite so much interest in your German +lessons as you did last year; but now you’ve _reinstated_ yourself in my +good opinion.” Afterwards Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is +not so far wrong when I think of all that we used to read last year so +that we might know everything when the lesson came, and when I think of +what we do this year!!! You know very well -- -- -- --. Hella is quite +right, but still one can learn in spite of _those things_, one can’t be +_always_ talking about them. And then it’s quite easy to learn for such +an angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as red as a turkey cock +from pride because I could say it all in the very words of Frau Doktor +M., but it was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up about +it, and secondly I really don’t know myself how I managed to say it +all. I only felt that Frau Doktor M. is so annoyed when no one offers to +answer a question, and so I took it on. + +May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a hundred times. How could I +be so stupid! Now we’re not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only +let us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed he was going +to stay there another fortnight. And at dinner to-day I made a slip and +said: “It is a pity there’s no room for five in our car. If Fraulein +Else were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come with us.” Dora kicked +me under the table and I tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry +and said. “Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, children, nothing +doing. I shall make your excuses to Frau Richter directly. I’m not +having any, did not I tell you you weren’t to see the fellow any more?” + Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say anything but she did +not eat any pudding or fruit, and as soon as we were back in our room +she gave it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you little beast, +but really you are only a child whom I never ought to have trusted, and +so on. It’s really too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I envied +her. Besides it’s bad for me as well as for her, for I like him very +much too, for he makes no difference between us and treats me exactly +like Dora. Of course we are not on speaking terms now, and what +infuriated me more than anything was that she said she grudged every +word she had said to me in _this_ connection: “Pearls before Swine.” + What a rude thing to say. So I am an S. But I should like to know who +told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I’m quite sure that I shall never talk to +her again about _anything of that sort_. Thank goodness I have a friend +in Hella. She would never say or think anything of the kind of me. + +May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all night; Dora cried +frightfully, I heard her though she tried to stifle it, and I cried too, +for I was thinking all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor +from thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then I thought of +something, and chance or I ought to say luck helped me. Viktor does not +walk to school with us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have +seen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora when she comes away at +1 o’clock. So quite early I telephoned to him at a public telephone call +office, for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so bad that she +could not go to school so I was going alone with Hella. I telephoned +saying a friend was ringing him up, that was when the maid answered the +telephone, and then she called him. I told him: that whatever happened +he was not to think unkindly of me and I must see him at 1 o’clock +because Dora was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. All +through lessons I was so upset that I don’t in the least know what we +did. And at 1 o’clock he was there all right, and I told him all about +it and he was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled _me_. +That’s quite different from the way Dora behaved. I was so much upset +that I nearly cried, and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his arm +round me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away my tears. I shall +never tell Dora about that. Then he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora +because she had such a _lot_ to bear. I don’t really know _what_ she has +to bear, but still, for his sake, because it’s really worth doing it for +that, after dinner I put a note upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans +of love to you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. At the +same time his best thanks for the book. I put the note in Heidepeter’s +Gabriel, which she had lent to me to read and put it down very +significantly. When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few times +and said: “Have you seen him? Where was it and when?” Then I told her +all about it and she was frightfully touched and said: “You really are +a good girl, only frightfully undependable.” What do you mean, +undependable? She said: Yes undependable, for one simply must not blurt +out things in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have you +finished Heidepeter’s Gabriel yet? “No,” I said, “I’m not going to read +anyone’s book with whom I’m angry.” In the end we made it up, but of +course we did not talk any more about it and I did not say a word about +that business with the handkerchief. + +May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and Dora are going to Frazensbad, +because they both have to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a +change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she won’t go about hanging +her head like a sick chicken. To-day Dora told me something very +interesting. Unmarried men have little books and with these they can go +to visit women “of a certain kind” in Graben and in the Karntnerstrasse. +There, Dora says, they have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora’s +class there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and they have all +to be examined every month to see if they are healthy, and if not they +can’t visit these “ladies,” and that’s why the Preusses can never keep a +servant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had a certain line, so +I must be fr--. But I shan’t have more than 1 or 2 children at most for +the line is very faint. When I’m studying I often think of such things, +and then I read a whole page and turn over and have not the remotest +idea what I’ve been reading. It’s very tiresome, for soon the other +school insp. for maths. and the other subjects is coming, and I should +not like to make a fool of myself; especially not because perhaps the +inspectors talk us over with one another about who is clever and who +stupid. + +May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I hear such grand music I +always have to keep myself well in hand for I fear I should cry. It’s +very stupid, of course, but at such times I can only think of sad +things, even if it’s just a small piece. Dora can play Brahms’ Hungarian +Dances, too, but that never makes me want to cry. I only get annoyed +because I can’t play them myself. I could all right, but I have not got +patience to practice long enough. I never tell anyone that I want to +cry when I am listening to music, not even Hella, though I tell her +everything, except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a fool of +myself; at least so Dora says. I don’t know how it happened, we were +talking about books at supper, and I said: “What’s the use of books, +one can’t learn anything out of them; everything is quite different from +what they say in books.” Then Father got in a wax and said: “You little +duffer, you can thank your stars there are books from which you can +learn something. Anyone who can’t understand a book always says it is no +good.” Dora gave me a look, but I didn’t know what she meant, and I +went on: “Yes, but there’s an awful lot that the encyclopedia puts all +wrong.” “What have you been ferreting in the encyclopedia for; we shall +have to keep the key of the bookcase in a safer place.” Thank goodness +Dora came to my help and said: “Gretel wanted to look up something +about the age of elephants and mammoths, but it’s quite different in the +encyclopedia from what Prof. Rigl told her last year.” I was saved. Dora +can act splendidly; I’ve noticed it before. In the evening she rowed me, +and said: “You little goose, will you never learn caution; first that +stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! I’ve helped you out +of a hole once but I shan’t do it again.” And then she spent all the +time writing a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just been +reading a lot of things in the encycl., about _Birth_ and _Pregnancy_, +and I on my own about abor--; we came across the words Embyro +and Foetus, and I said nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in my +handkerchief to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. Mad. need +not be anxious even if she _really_ did get like that. But every doctor +knows about it and one often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. knows anything +about it. We were talking about the _differences_ between men and women, +and it came out that when Hella has her bath she is still washed by Anna +who has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would induce me to allow +that, I would not let anyone wash me, except Mother; certainly not Dora, +for I don’t want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in the hosp. +told Hella that she is developed just like a little nymph, so lovely and +symetrical. Hella says that is nothing unusual, that every girl looks +like that, that the female body is _Nature’s Work of Art_. Of course +she’s read that somewhere, for it does not really mean anything. +_Nature’s_ work of art; it ought to be: a work of art made by husband +and wife!!! + +May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad on June 6th, directly +after Whitsuntide. Dora has got another new coat and skirt, grey with +blue stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits me very well +says Hella and everyone, with white ribbons and wild roses. There might +have been a fearful row about what’s just happened. When I went to +telephone I had my Christmas umbrella with the rose-quartz handle and +I left it in the telephone box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it +there, and as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to the porter +who brought it upstairs. Thank goodness it occurred to me at once to say +that I went into the tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it +in the _shop_. No one noticed anything. + +May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with Hella for the month when +Mother and Dora are away. It would be awfully nice, but I’m not going +to, for I want to stay with Father. What would he do all alone at meal +times, and whom would he have to talk to in the evenings? Father was +really quite touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as he can +and no one else, not even Mother. So I’m going to stay at home whatever +happens. Flowers are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowers +on the table every day, I shall go to the Market every day to buy a +little posy, so that they can always be fresh. It would be stupid for me +to go to the Brs., why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long +time, she knows how to do everything even if Mother is not there and +everything else I can arrange. Father won’t want for anything. + +June 1st. We’ve had such an experience to-day! It’s awful; it’s quite +true then that one takes off _every stitch_ when one is madly fond of +anyone. I never really believed it, and I’m sure Dora did not, although +Mad. hinted it to her; but _it’s true_. We’ve seen it _with our own +eyes_. I was just sitting and reading Storm’s The Rider of the Grey +Horse and Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to Franzensbad +when Resi came and said: Fraulein Dora, please come here a moment, I +want you to look at something! From the tone of her voice I saw there +was something up so I went too. At first Resi would not say what it +was but Dora was generous and said: “It’s all right, you can say +_everything_ before her.” Then we went into Resi’s room and from behind +the curtain peeped into the mezzanin. A young _married couple_ live +there!!! At least Resi says people say they are _not_ really married, +but simply live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She was +absolutely naked lying in bed without any of the clothes on, and he +was kneeling by the bedside quite n-- too, and he kissed her all over, +_everywhere!!!_ Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. And +then he stood up--no, I can’t write it, it’s too awful, I shall never +forget it. So _that’s_ the way of it, it’s simply frightful. I could +never have believed it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled so +that Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried with horror, and yet +I could not help laughing too. I was really afraid he would stifle her +because he’s so big and she’s so small. And Resi says he is certainly +much too big for her, and that he nearly tears her. I don’t know why +he should tear her but certainly he might have crushed her. Dora was +so terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get her a glass of +water, because she believed she was going to faint. I had not imagined +it was anything like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or she +would never have trembled so. Still I really don’t see why she should +tremble like that. There is no reason to be frightened, one simply need +not marry, and then one need never strip off every stitch, and oh dear, +poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the lieutenant is very tall. +But just think if anyone is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Of +course Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the landlord had +another little girl, so something _must have happened_. No, I’m sure +it’s best not to marry, for _it_ is really too awful. We did not look +any more for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to be actually +sick, so that she could hardly get back to our room. If she had not +been able to, everything would have come out. Mother sent for the doctor +directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; that it was a +good thing she was going away from Vienna in a few days. No girl ought +to study, it does not pay. Then he said to me: “You don’t look up to +much either. What are you so hollow-eyed for?” “I’m so frightened about +Dora,” I said. “Fiddlededee,” said the doctor, “that does not give +anyone black rings round the eyes.” So it must be true that one gets to +look ill when one always has to think about _such_ things. But how can +one help it, and Hella says: It’s awfully interesting to have black +rings under the eyes and men _like_ it. + +We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to Kahlenberg and +Hermannskogel, but probably it won’t come off. Its 11 already and I’m +fearfully tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do hope I +Shall be able to sleep, but -- -- -- -- + +June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; we enjoyed ourselves +tremendously. After dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the +hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all about what we’d +seen on Friday. She was simply speechless, all the more since she had +never heard what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She won’t +marry either, for it’s too disagreeable, indeed too horrid.--The doctor +said too: This perpetual learning is poisonous for young girls _in the +years of development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. Hella is +frightfully annoyed that she was not there. She can be jolly glad, I +don’t want to see it a second time, and I shall never forget it all my +life long; what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. Then +Hella went on making jokes and said: “I say, just think if it had +been Viktor.” “Oh, do shut up,” I screamed, and Father thought we were +quarrelling and called out: “You two seem to be having a dispute in the +grand style.” If he’d only known what we were talking about!!! Oswald +has been home since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past 10. +But he did not come on the excursion with us yesterday, although Father +would have liked him to; he said he would find it much too dull to spend +the day with two “flappers;” that means that we’re not grown up enough +for him and is a piece of infernal cheek especially as regards Hella. +She says she will simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister +I can’t very well do that, but I shan’t fetch and carry for him as he +would like me to. He’s no right to insult even his sister. + +Dora has just said to me: It’s horrible that one has to endure that (you +know what!!! -- -- -- --) when one is married. Resi had told her about +those two before, and that only the Jews do it just like _that_. She +said that other people did not strip quite naked and that perhaps it’s +different in some other ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. implied that it was +just _that_ way, only she did not say anything about the crushing; but +I suppose that’s because of the cruelty of the Jews -- -- --. I’m afraid +every night that I’m going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed about +it already. She says that whenever she closes her eyes she sees it all +as if it were actually before her. + +June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant the other day when he +was speaking about Dr. Diller and his wife and said: “But they don’t +suit one another at all.” I thought at the time he only meant that it +looks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go about with a big strong +man. But that’s only a minor thing; the main point is something quite +different!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now who go by arm in arm, +thinking about them from _that_ point of view, and it amuses us so much +as we are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. But really +it’s no laughing matter, especially for the woman. + +June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with her to pay a farewell call +at the Richter’s. But there was no one at home, that is Frau R. was +certainly at home, but said she was not because they are very much +offended with Father. In the afternoon Dora and I had a lot of things to +get, and we met Viktor, by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they +went into the Minorite church while I went for a walk in Kohlmarkt and +Herrengasse. He is going to America in the beginning of July, before +Dora comes home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper stamped with +his regimental arms, specially for her to write to him on, and a locket +with his portrait. To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, through +me, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora has been much nicer to me +lately. + +June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. Mother has never gone +away from us before for long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. +Dora cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and I are alone now. +At dinner he said to me: “My little housewife.” It was so lovely. But +it’s frightfully quiet in the house, for 2 people don’t talk so much as +4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. To-day I talked several things +over with Resi. What I think worst of all is that one saw the whole +of his behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other day she +thought it was positively infamous. Resi said they might at least +have pulled down the blind so that nobody could see in, that’s what +respectable people would do. But _respectable_ people simply would +not strip, or at least they’d cover themselves respectably with the +bedclothes. Then Resi told me some more about the bank clerk and his +wife, that is _not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know about +it, and what excuse she makes for not living at home. She is not a +Jewess, though he is a Jew. Resi absolutely curled up with laughing +because I said: “Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ strip +though ordinarily only the wife has to strip.” But she herself said a +little while ago that only Jews do it _that way_, and to-day she laughed +as if I were talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know exactly +herself, and she cloaks it with laughter because she’s annoyed, first +because _she_ does not know, and then also I’m sure because she really +began to talk about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that I +never dream about _it_. I should like to know whether perhaps Dora never +really dreamed of it, though she pretended she did. As for Hella saying +she dreamed of it the day before yesterday, I’m sure that was pure +invention, for she was not there at all. She says it’s a good thing she +was not for if she had been she would have burst out laughing. But I +fancy if she’d seen what we saw she would have found there was nothing +to laugh at. + +June 7th. It’s frightfully dull after dinner and in the evening before +bed time, especially because this year, since the affair at the front +door, Dora and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss it. I wish +Hella would come and stay with us for the 4 weeks. But she does not want +to. Father had work to do to-day, so I’m quite alone and feel as if I’d +like to cry. + +June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, Resi came to make +my bed, and we talked about the married couple opposite, and then she +told me awful things about a young married couple where she was once. +She left because they always went into the bath together; she says she’s +certain that _something happened_ there. And then she told me about an +old gentleman who made _advances_ to her; but of course she would not +have anything to do with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he +would never have married a servant for he was a privy councillor. +Yesterday Father said: Poor little witch, it’s very lonely for you now; +but look here, Resi is no fit company for you; when your little tongue +wants to wag, come to my room. And I was awfully stupid, I began to cry +like anything and said. “Father, please don’t be angry, I’ll never think +and never talk of such things any more.” Father did not know at first +what I meant, but afterwards it must have struck him, for he was so kind +and gentle, and said: “No, no, Gretel, don’t corrupt your youth with +such matters, and when there’s anything that bothers you, ask Mother, +but not the servants. A girl of good family must not be too familiar +with servants. Promise me.” And then, though I’m so big he took me on +his knee like a child and petted me because I was crying so. “It’s all +right, little Mouse, don’t worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. +Give me a nice kiss, and then I’ll come with you to your room and stay +with you till you go to sleep.” Of course I stayed awake on purpose as +long as I could, till a quarter to 11. + +And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora’s bed so that when I +woke up early in the morning I really looked across to see if he had not +gone to bed there. But of course I’d only dreamed it. + +June 12th. To-morrow there’s a great school excursion; I am so glad, a +whole day with Frau Doktor M. and without any lessons. We are going up +Eisernes Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the Fourth did not +want to go to the Anninger, but to the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did +not want to go there. + +June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and I spent the whole day with +Frau Doktor M.; in the afternoon Franke said: “I say, why do you stick +to Frau Doktor like that? One can’t get a word with you.” So then we went +for a good walk through the forest with Franke and she told us about a +student who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love with her. +For all students are in love with her, _so she says_. We were not much +interested in that, but then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly +engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town in Germany. Her +cousin is Frau Doktor’s dressmaker, and she is quite certain of it. Her +parents are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are frantically +in love with one another and they intend to marry. And then we asked +Franke, since she is a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, +who was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us about the Jews. And +Franke said: “Oh yes, it is true I can confirm it in every point. But +it’s not so bad about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in +this matter.” No doubt she’s right, but it’s horrible to think that our +lovely and refined Frau Doktor M is going to have a cruel husband. Hella +says that if _she_ is satisfied, I don’t need to get excited about it. +But perhaps she does not know that -- -- --. When we came out of the +wood the Herr Religionsprofessor who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor +M. called out: “Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!” And +everybody laughed because we’d come back. Father came to fetch Hella and +me, and since it was nearly 11 o’clock Hella stayed the night with us. +It was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry because I could +not have any more talk with Father. When we were getting up in the +morning we splashed one another and played the fool generally, so that +we were nearly late for school. The staff was still in high spirits, +including Professor Wilke, about whom we had not bothered ourselves all +day; that is he did not come until the afternoon when he came to meet +us on our way. We believe he is in love with Frau Doktor M. too, for +he went about with her all the time, and it was probably on her account +that he came. None of the other professors were there, for they were all +taking their classes in the different Gymnasiums. + +June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to school to-day at 9 and +suddenly we heard a tremendous rattling with a sword; that is Hella +heard it, for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, and she +said: “Hullo, that’s an o-- in a frightful hurry,” and looked round; “I +say, there’s Viktor behind us” and he really was, he was saluting us and +he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; you’ll excuse me won’t +you, Fraulein Hella? He always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice +refined kind of a man he is that he should know my friend’s name. Hella +said directly: “Don’t mention it, Herr Oberleutenant, don’t let me be +in your way if it’s anything important,” and she went over to the +other side of the street. He looked after her and said: “What a lovely, +well-mannered young lady your friend is.” Then he came back to the main +point He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an answer to +his letter, because she can’t fetch it from the post office, _poste +restante_. Then he implored me to enclose a letter from him in mine to +Dora. But since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him it was +not so simple as all that; but I knew of a splendid way out of the +difficulty; I would write to Mother and Dora _at the same time_, so +that Dora could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not noticing. +Viktor was awfully pleased and said: “You’re a genius and a first-class +little schemer,” and kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the +“little.” If one’s is so _little_, one can’t very well be a schemer. +From the other side of the street Hella saw him kiss my hand. She says +I did not try to draw it away, but held it out to him like a grand lady +and even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of good family do +that sort of thing by instinct. It may be so, for I certainly did not +do it intentionally. In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just the +ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora with the enclosure, and +took it to the post _myself_. + +June 16th. I’ve already got so used to being alone with Father that I +take it as a matter of course. We often drive in the Prater, or go in +the evening to have supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella +comes with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora will write. I +forgot to write in my diary the other day that I asked Viktor if he was +really going to New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything of +the kind, that had only been a false alarm on the part of the Old Man. +That’s what he calls his father. I don’t think it’s very nice of him, a +little vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can’t stand him. In fact +Father does not like any officers very much, except Hella’s father, but +then he’s fairly old already. I say, Hella mustn’t read that, it would +put her in an awful wax; but her father really is at least 4 or 5 years +older than Father. + +June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don’t know what’s the matter +with her. We were all frightfuly dull at school. The head took her +classes and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope she has +not got appendicitis, that would be awful. + +June 18th. _She_ isn’t back yet. Frau Doktor Steiner says she has very +bad tonsillitis and won’t be able to come for at least a week. + +June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. I’m furious. Not a word +about my sisterly affection, but only: “Many thanks for your trouble.” + It’s really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan’t forget this in a +hurry. Hella says that she only hinted at it like that to be on the +safe side. But it’s not true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Father +never reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of course. +Yesterday was the first time I stayed away from school since I went to +the High School. Early in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and +a headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better as the day went +on, but this morning I was worse again. Most likely I shall have to stay +at home for 2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, but it +really was not necessary. + +June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day she wanted to begin +talking once more about _various things_, but I said I did not +particularly care to hear about such matters, and then she implored me +never to tell Mother and Father anything about what she had said to us +about the young married couple; she said she would lose her place and +she would be awfully sorry to do that. + +June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there might have been a +frightful row; luckily Father was out. At half past 6, when Hella and I +were having a talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone out +too to fetch something so I answered the telephone, and it was Viktor! +“I must see you to-morrow morning early or at 1 o’clock; I waited for +you _in vain_ at 1 to-day.” Of course, for I was still ill, that is +still am ill. But well or ill I must go to school to-morrow. If Father +had been at home; or even Resi, she might have noticed something. It +would have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her not to give me +away. Hella was frightfully cheeky, she took the receiver out of my hand +and said: “Please don’t do this again, it’s frightfully risky for my +friend.” I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella said he certainly +deserved a lecture. + +To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall wear my new white dress. +It does look rather nice after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I’ve +taken to wearing snails, *** Father calls them “cow-pats;” but everyone +else says it’s exceedingly becoming. + + *** Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.--Translators’ + Note. + +June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he came up to us and said: “Can +a repentant sinner be received back into grace?” And he gave each of us +a lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and said: “I don’t think we +need make any secret before your energetic friend.” Really I did not +want to forward any more letters but I did not know how to say so +without offending him, for Dora’s cheek is not his fault, and I did not +want to say anything to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because +Hella was there. There can’t be more than 2 or 3 times more, so I shan’t +bother. But _Dora_ doesn’t deserve it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. +She saw us together the other day, and the next day she asked: Where did +you pick up that handsome son of Mars? Hella retorted: “Don’t use such +common expressions when you are speaking of Rita’s cousin.” “Oh, a +cousin, that’s why he kisses her hand I suppose?” Since then we only +speak to Franke when we are positively obliged. Not to speak to her at +all would be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak only a +little, she can’t take offence. + +June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the old one who always +comes for Maths. He is so kind and gentle that all the girls can answer +everything; we like him better than the one who comes for languages. +Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up because he praised her. Good Lord, +I’ve been praised often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited. +Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I’d been absent 4 days. +Frau Doktor M. came back to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, I +don’t know why; it’s such a pity that she does not let us walk home with +her, except last year when there was all that fuss about Fraulein St.’s +bead bag. She bows to us all very politely when we salute her, but she +won’t walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch is horribly +pushing and is always hanging about on the chance. + +June 26th. It’s really stupid how anxious I am now at Communion lest +the host should drop out of my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly +sick. Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I don’t know of +any, except that the accident which that girl Lutter in the Third had +made me even more anxious that I was before. Hella says I’d better turn +Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; for after Com. one +feels so pure and so much better than one was before. But I’m sorry to +say it does not last so long as it ought to. + +June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me about it. He was +awfully nice and said: If only your Mother is spared to us. She is far +from well. Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with Mother? And +Father said: “Well, dear, it’s a hidden trouble, which has really been +going on for a long time and has now suddenly broken out.” “Will she +have to have an operation?” “We hope we shall be able to avoid that. But +it’s a terrible thing that Mother should be so ill.” Father looked so +miserable when he said this that I did my best to console him and said: +“But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all right, or why should she +take them?” And Father said: “Well, darling, we’ll hope for the best.” + We went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother must take all +possible care of herself, and that perhaps in the autumn Aunt Dora would +come here to keep house. I asked Father, “Is it true that you don’t like +Aunt Dora?” Father said: “Not a bit of it, what put that idea into +your head?” So I said: “But you do like Mother much better, don’t you?” + Father laughed and said: “You little goose, of course I do, or I should +have married Aunt Dora and not Mother.” I should have liked awfully +to ask Father a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss Dora, +especially in the evenings. + +July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school to-day. Professor W., +the traitor, did not come because he had confession and communion in +the Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything about the subject +so there was no one to take his class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor +took it, he had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. But +since the Jewish girls were there too, of course there was no religion +lesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. had a chat with us. He asked each of us +where we were going to spend the summer, and when I said I was going +to Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ to Rodaun! and several of the +other girls chimed in: _Only_ to Rodaun; why that’s only a drive on the +steam tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally go to Tyrol +or Styria; I said so directly, and then Franke said: Last year too, I +think, you went somewhere quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--, +and then she stopped and made as if she had never heard of Hainfeld. Of +course that was all put on, but she’s very angry because we won’t speak +to her since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was to learn +what true friendship is. While I was getting still more angry, Hella +said: Rita’s Mother is now in _Franzensbad, the world-famous health +resort_; she is ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and see her at least +once a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and said: Rodaun is +a lovely place. The air there is very fine and will certainly do your +Mother a lot of good. That’s the chief thing, isn’t it children? I hope +that God will spare all your parents for many years. When the Herr +Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, whose Mother died last winter, burst +out crying, and I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. +Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because I was annoyed because +we were only going to Rodaun. In the interval Franke said: After all, +there’s no harm in going to Rodaun, that’s no reason for crying. But +Hella said: “Excuse me, the Lainers can go anywhere they please, they +are so well off that many people might envy them. Besides, her Mother +and her sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is frightfully +expensive, and in Rodaun they have rented a house all for themselves. +Rita is crying because she is anxious about her Mother, not because +of anything you said.” Of course we don’t speak a word to Franke now. +Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did not like her at all when she +met her last year. Mother has a fine instinct in such matters. + +July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but Very Goods, except of +course in ---- Natural History! That was to be expected. What -- -- (I +can’t bring myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. Nearly +all the girls who were still there brought Frau Doktor M. and Frau +Doktor St. flowers as farewell tokens. This time, Hella and I were +allowed to go with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we kiss her +hand she always blushes, and we love doing it. This summer holidays she +is going to -- -- -- _Germany_, of course; really Hella need not have +asked; it’s obvious!!! + +July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. We are going to meet +them at the station. By the way, I’d quite forgotten. The other day +Father hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and when I lifted up +my table napkin it fell out, and Father said: In part payment of your +outlay on flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the flowers +did not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, for though they were +lovely ones, I only bought fresh ones every other day. Now I shall be +able to buy Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to the +station or put them on her table. On the one hand I’m awfully glad +Mother is coming home, but on the other hand I did like being alone with +Father for he always talked to me about everything just as he does to +Mother; that will come to an end now. + +July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I’m especially glad about +Mother; for one can see that she is quite well again. If we had not +taken the house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, for one +can’t deny it would be much nicer. Dora looks quite a stranger. It’s +absurd, for one can’t alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite +different; she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. I have +had no chance yet to say anything about the “trouble,” and she has not +alluded to it. In the autumn she will have to have a special exam. for +the Sixth because she went away a month before the end of term. Father +says that is only pro forma and that she must not take any lesson books +to the country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her Mother and Lizzi +are going first to Gastein and then to stay with their uncle in Hungary. +Life is dull without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without her I +was simply bored sometimes in the evening, at bedtime. Dora gives it +out that in Franzensbad people treated her as a grown-up lady. I’m sure +that’s not true for anyone can see that she’s a long way from being a +grown-up lady yet. + +July 11th. I can’t think what’s happened to Dora. When she goes out +she goes alone. She doesn’t tell me when she is going or where, and +she hasn’t said a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is back. +To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train of course, not by the steam +tram. The day after to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam +for his matriculation. He says that in every class there are at least +1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch in ours, he says they spoil +the pitch for the others, for, because of the swotters, the professors +expect so much more of the others and sit upon them. This may be so in +the Gymnasium, but certainly not at the High School. For though Verb. is +always sucking up to the staff, they can’t stand her; they give her good +reports, but none of them really like her. Mother says the 13th is an +unlucky day, and it makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she +went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o’clock Mass as usual. +I never thought of praying for Oswald, and anyhow I think he’ll get +through all right. + +July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he is through, that is he has +wired his favourite phrase: Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did +not worry Mother as he did over the written exam., when he made +silly jokes all the time. He won’t be home until the 17th, for the +matriculation dinner is on the 15th. Father is awfully pleased too. +It’s lovely here; of course we have not really got a whole house to +ourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on the first story; +in the mezzanin a young married woman lives, that is to say a _newly +married couple!!_ Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake with +horror and laughter combined. Resi must have thought of it too, for +she looked hard at Dora and me when she told us. But they have a baby +already, so they are not really a newly married couple any more. The +landlord, who lives on the same floor as us, is having a swing put +up for me in the garden for it is horrid not to have a swing in the +country. + +July 16th. At last Dora has said something to me about Viktor, but she +spoke very coldly; there must be something up; she might just as well +tell me; she really ought to seeing all that I’ve done. I have not seen +him since that last letter of June 27th; that time something must +have hap-- no that word means something quite different, there must be +something up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted with Gastein, she +writes that the only thing wanting is _me_. I can quite understand that, +for what I want here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to ask +whether we were not coming to H. this year; she said she had such a +frightful lot to tell me, and _she wants my advice_. I shall be very +glad to advise her, but I don’t know what it is about. + +July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- But no, I must write it +all out in proper order. Oswald came home yesterday, he is in great form +and said jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he would fall +in love with her if she were not his sister. Just before it was time to +go to supper, Mother called us in, and I was rather annoyed when I saw +that it was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper in +his hand as he often does when he comes back from the office, and said: +“Dear Oswald and you two girls, I wanted to give you and especially +Oswald a little treat because of the matriculation.” Aha, I thought, the +great prize after all! Then Father opened the paper and said: “You have +often wondered as children why we have no title of nobility like the +other Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got it back again +for you Oswald, and also for you two girls. Henceforward we shall call +ourselves Lanier von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles.” Oswald +was simply speechless and I was the first to pull myself together and +give Father a great hug. But first of all he said: “Do credit to the +name.” Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully long time, +and then he said: Thank you, Father, I shall always hold the name in +trust, and then they kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour +all through the evening, although Mother had ordered roast chicken and +Father had provided a bottle of champagne. I am frightfully happy; it’s +so splendid and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the staff! +I’m frantically delighted. To-morrow I must write and tell Hella all +about it. + +July 19th. I’ve managed it beautifully. I did not want to write just: We +are now noble, so I put it all in the signature, simply writing Always +your loving friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi about it first +thing this morning, but Father scolded me about that at dinner time and +said it was quite unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your +head. Nothing of the sort, but it’s natural that I should be frightfully +glad and Dora too has covered a whole sheet of paper writing her new +name. Father says it does not really make us any different from what +we were before, but that is not true, for if it were he would not have +bothered to revive the title. He says it will make it easier for Oswald +to get on, but I’m sure there’s more in it than that. Resi told the +landlord about it and in the afternoon he and his wife called to +congratulate us. + +July 20th. Oswald says he won’t stay here, it’s much too dull, he is +going for a walking tour through the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to +the Karawanken. He will talk of Father as the “Old Man,” and I do think +it is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely _flippant_. + +July 24th. Hella’s answer came to-day; she congratulates me most +heartily, and then goes on to write that at first she was struck dumb +and thought I’d gone crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother +had already heard of it from her father for it had been published in the +Official Gazette. Now we are both noble, and that is awfully nice. For I +have often been annoyed that she was noble when I was not. + +July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him 300 crowns for his +walking tour, because of the matriculation. I said: “In that case I +shall matriculate as soon as I can” and Oswald said: “For that one wants +rather more brains in one’s head than you girls have.” What cheek, Frau +Doktor M. passed the Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner +passed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe I shall show you +that your sister can matriculate too; anyhow you have always said +yourself that the chief thing you need to get through the matriculation +is cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: “But we girls have not +got cheek, we _study_ when we have to pass an examination!” Mother +wanted us to make it up with him, but we would not. In the evening Dora +said to me: Oswald is frantically arrogant, though he has had such a lot +of Satisfactories and has only just scraped through his exam. By the way +here’s another sample of Oswald’s stupidity; directly after the wire: +“Finis with Jubilation” came another which ought to have arrived first, +for it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing but the word +“Through” [Durch]. Mother was frightfully upset by it for she was afraid +it really meant _failed_ [durchgefallen], and that the other telegram +had been only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend to such +horseplay. Father always says Oswald will sow all his wild oats at the +university, but he said to-day that he was not going to the university, +but would study mining, and then perhaps law. + +July 29th. It’s sickeningly dull here, I simply don’t know what to do; +I really can’t read and swing the whole day long, and Dora has become as +dull as she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does she +not quarrel, but she won’t talk, that is she won’t talk about _certain +things_. She is perfectly crazy about the baby of the young couple +in the mezzanin; he’s 10 months old, and I can’t see what she sees to +please her in such a little pig; she’s always carrying him about and +yesterday he made her all wet, I wished her joy of it. It made her +pretty sick, and I hope it will cure her infatuation. + +Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that will be a bit of a change. +To-morrow we are going to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan’t want +our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that we can get away at +2 or half past. Hella has sent me to-day a lock-up box for letters, +etc.!!! of course filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to +tell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they are only going to +stay a month because it is frantically expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and +a bottle of beer 1 crown. And the rolls are so small that one simply has +to eat 3 for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it’s awfully smart +in the hotel, several grooms; then there are masses of Americans and +English and even a consul’s family from Sydney in Australia.--I spend +most of the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They are called Max +and Moritz, though of course one of them is a bitch. That is really a +word which one ought not to write, for it means something, at least in +its other meaning. + + + + +THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN + + +THIRD YEAR + + +July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the thirteenth. Mother gave me a +clock with a luminous dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course +that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; embroidered +collars; from Father, A Bad Boy’s Diary, which one of the nurses lent +Hella when she was in hospital; it’s such a delightfully funny book, but +Father says it’s stupid because no boy could have written all that, a +new racquet with a leather case, an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis +balls from Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver edge. +Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket of cherries, red ones, and a +basket of currants and strawberries; the strawberries are only for me +for my birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin for winter +blouses. In the afternoon we went to the Par.-Berg. It would have been +awfully jolly if only Mother could have gone too or if Hella had been +there. + +August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She sends me many happy +returns, for she thinks it is on the 1st of August, and then comes the +chief thing. She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants to +escape from the cramping environment of her family, she simply can’t +endure _the stifling atmosphere of home_. She has been to St. P. to +see the actor for whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite +something and said she had real dramatic talent; he would be willing +to train her for the stage, but only with her parents’ consent. But of +course they will never give it. She writes that this has made her _so +nervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, in fact she can’t +stand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ am her last hope. She would like +me to come to stay with them, or still better if she could come and stay +with us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell Mother about everything, +and perhaps it might be possible to arrange for her to live with us in +Vienna for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming to the +Raimund Theatre and she could begin her training there. At the end of +her letter she says that it rests with my discretion and my tact to make +her the happiest creature in the world! I don’t really know what I +shall be able to do. Still, I’ve made a beginning; I said I found it +so frightfully dull--if only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or +even Marina. Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the country, in +Carinthia, and it’s not likely that Ada will be able to come. Father, +too, is awfully sorry that I find it so dull, and so at supper he said: +Would you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age makes her a +better companion for you than Dora. You seemed to get on better together +last year. And then he said to Mother: Do you think it would bother you, +Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother said, “Not a bit; if Gretel would +like it; it’s really her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad, +Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our little pet has not had +anything for herself; would you like it Gretel?” “Oh yes, Mother, I +should like it awfully, I’ll write directly; it’s no fun to me to carry +about that little brat the way Dora does, and jolly as the Bad Boy’s +Diary is I can’t read it all day.” So I am writing to Ada directly, +just as if _I_ had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall be so +frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada really becomes a great +actress, like Wolter whom Mother is always talking of, then I shall +have done something towards helping Vienna to have a great actress and +towards making Ada the happiest creature in the world instead of the +unhappiest. + +August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything to Ada about our having +been ennobled, or as Dora says _re-ennobled_, since the family has been +noble for generations; she will find out about it soon enough when she +comes here. Mother keeps on saying: Don’t put on such airs, especially +about a thing which we have not done anything particular to deserve. But +that’s not quite fair, for unless Father had done such splendid service +in connection with the laws or the constitution or something two years +ago, sometimes sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would never +have been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can’t see why Father and Mother +should have made such a secret about it last winter. They might just +as well have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to give us a real +surprise. And he did too; Dora’s face and the way Oswald cleared his +throat!! As far as I can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort +of a face I was making. + +August 3rd. I’ve found out now why Dora is so different, that is why she +is again just as she was some time ago, before last winter. During the +4 weeks in Fr. she has _found a real friend in Mother!_ To-day I turned +the conversation to Viktor, and all she said at first was: Oh, I don’t +correspond with him any more. And when I asked: “Have you had a quarrel, +and whose fault was it?” she said: “Oh, no, I just _bade him farewell_.” + “What do you mean, bade him farewell; but he’s not really going to +America, is he?” And then she said: “My dear _Rita_, we had better clear +this matter up; I parted from him upon the well-justified wish of our +_dear Mother_.” I must say that though I’m _awfully, awfully_ fond of +Mother, I really can’t imagine having her as a _friend_. How can one +have a true friendship with one’s own mother? Dora really can’t have the +least idea _what_ a _true friendship_ means. There are some things it’s +impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, I could not possibly +ask her: Do you know what, _something has happened_, really means? +Besides, I’m not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 or 15 +or 16, people may have used quite different expressions, and the modern +phrases very likely did not then mean what they mean now. And what sort +of a friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You must not go out now, +the storm may break at any moment, and just the other evening: Dora you +_must_ take your shawl with you. Friendship between mother and daughter +is just as impossible as friendship between father and son. For between +friends there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what’s even more +important is that one really can’t talk about all the things that one +would like to talk of. All I said last night was: “Of course Mother has +forbidden you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call that +a friendship?” Then she said very gently: “No, Rita, Mother has not +forbidden me, but I recognise now that it was thoughtless of me to talk +to you about those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite soon +enough.” I burst out laughing and said: “Is _that_ what you call the +seriousness of life? Have you really forgotten how screamingly funny we +found it all? It seemed to me that your memory has been affected by the +mud baths.” She did not answer that. I do hope Ada will come. For _I_ +need _her_ now just as much as _she_ needs _me_. + +August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada’s coming, but not directly because they +begin their family washing on the 5th and no one can be spared to come +over with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing I’m sorry about +is that _she_ will sleep in the dressing-room and not Dora. But Mother +says that Dora and I must stay together and that Ada can leave the door +into the dining-room open so that she won’t feel lonely. + +August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. Dora is as mild and +gentle as a nun, but she talks to me just as little as a nun, and she’s +eternally with Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some one in +Neulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. Thank goodness Ada is coming +to-morrow. Father and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. + +August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada is more than a head taller +than I am; Father said: “Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I +suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady now? And Ada said: +Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; please treat me just as you used to; +I am so happy to have come to stay with you.” And her mother said: “Yes, +unfortunately she is happy anywhere but at home; _that is the way with +young people to-day_.” Father helped Ada out and said: “Frau Haslinger, +the sap of life was rising in us once, but it’s so long ago that we have +forgotten.” And then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if she were +suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm and said under her breath: “Can +you imagine what my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the night +here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about everything under +the sun” (that’s what Ada told me just before we went to bed); but I did +not pay much attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I’m positively +burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to talk to me about. +To-morrow morning, directly after breakfast! + +August 12th. For 3 days I’ve had no time to write, Ada and I have had +such a lot to say to one another. She _can’t_ and _won’t_ live any +longer without art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. She +still has to spend a year at a continuation school and must then either +take the French course for the state examination or else the needlecraft +course. But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in her spare +time she can study for the stage under Herr G. She says she is not in +love with him any longer, that he is only a _means to an end_. She would +sacrifice _anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understand +what she meant by anything, but she explained to me. She has read +Bartsch’s novel Elisabeth Kott, the book Mother has too, and a lot of +other novels about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, that +_a woman cannot become a true artist until she has experienced a great +love_. There may be something in it. For certainly a _great love_ does +make one _different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was madly in +love with Viktor, and the way she’s relapsed now!! She is learning Latin +again, to make up for lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her +plans because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she mentioned +before Dora that whatever happened she wanted to come to Vienna in the +autumn so that she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: You are +making a mistake, even people who live in Vienna don’t go to the theatre +often; for first of all one has very little time to spare, and secondly +one often can’t get a seat; people who live in the country often fancy +that everything is much nicer in Vienna than it really is. + +August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when Ada was having a bath +Mother said to _us two_: “Girls, I’ve something to tell you; I don’t +want you to get a fright in the night. Ada’s mother told me that Ada is +very nervous, and often walks in her sleep.” “I say,” said I, “that’s +frightfully interesting, she must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it always +happens when the moon is full.” Then Mother said: “Tell me, Gretel, how +do you know about all these things? Has Ada talked to you about them?” + “No,” said I, “but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep and +Berta Franke told Hella and me about it.” It has just struck me that +Mother said: how do you know about all _these_ things? So it must have +something to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask Ada, or whether +she would be offended. I’m frightfully curious to see whether she will +walk in her sleep while she is staying here. + +August 15th. Hella’s answer came to-day to what I had written her about +the _friendship_ between Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believe +either that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, for it is no +reason at all. Lizzi has never had any particular friendship with her +mother, and Hella could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinks +I’m perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one’s parents, but +there simply can’t be any question of a friendship. She would not stand +it if I were so changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can never +have had a true friendship, and that is why she has taken up with Mother +now. The Bruckners are coming back on the 19th because everything is so +frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most likely they will go to +stay with their uncle in Hungary, or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. For +Hella’s name day I have sent her A Bad Boy’s Diary because she wanted +to read it again. Now we have both got it, and can write to one another +which are the best bits so that we can read them at the same time. + +August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in her sleep_, probably +we should never have noticed it, but she began to recite Joan of Arc’s +speech from The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once and +said: “I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her sleep.” We did not +stir, and she went into the dining-room, but the dining-room door was +locked and the key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, +and then she knocked up against Mother’s sofa and that woke her up. It +was horrible. And then she lost her way and came into our room instead +of going into her own; but she was already awake and begged our pardon +and said she’d been looking for the W. Then she went back to her own +room. Dora said we had better pretend that we had not noticed it, for +otherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after breakfast she +said: “I suppose I gave you an awful fright last night; don’t be vexed +with me, I often get up and walk about at night, I simply can’t stay in +bed. Mother says I always recite when I am walking like that; do I? Did +I say anything?” “Yes,” I said, “you recited Joan of Arc’s speech.” “Did +I really,” said she, “that is because they won’t let me go on the stage; +I’m certain I shall go off my head; if I do, you will know the real +reason at any rate.” This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, +but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, and it’s perfectly +true what Dora has always said: One never knows what Ada is really +looking at. It would be awful if she were really to go off her head. +I’ve just remembered that her mother was once in an asylum. I do hope +she won’t go mad while she is staying here. + +August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before last. She is so glad +that she had warned us, and Dora says that if she had not known it +beforehand she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. Father +said: “Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has inherited it from her +mother.” In the autumn Lizzi is going to England to finish her education +and will stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and sorry as I am +for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, and I’m really glad that she’s +going home again on Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day: +Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because he was +once an officer in the army; she says that all officers have venereal +disease, as a matter of course. At first I did not want to show that I +did not understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked her and +Ada told me that what was really amiss was that _that_ part of the body +either gets continually smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or +else gets continually larger because it is so frightfully swollen; the +last kind is much better than the other, for then an operation can +help; a retired colonel who lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for +_this_; but it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for a man +with a venereal disease, that a young girl should _give herself_ to a +man suffering from it! (Mad. often said that too), then she gets the +disease and he is cured. That made Ada understand that she did not +really love A., but only wanted him to train her; for she could never +have done that for him, and she did not know how she could propose +_that_ to him even _if_ she had been willing to. Besides, it is +generally the man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I said: +“But just imagine, what would you do if you got a baby that way,” and +she said: “That does not come into the question, for when a man has +venereal disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But after +all, only a woman who has had a baby can become a true artist.” Franke, +who has a cousin on the stage said something of the same sort to Hella +and me; but we thought, Franke’s cousin is only in the Wiener Theatre, +and that might be true there; but it may be quite different in the Burg +Theatre and in the Opera and even in the People’s Theatre. I told Ada +about this, and she said: Oh, well, I’m only a girl from the provinces, +but I have known for ages that _every_ actress has a child. + +23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read us a passage from a +splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, even Dora said: “Ada, you are +really phenominal!” Then she flung the book away and wept and sobbed +frightfully and said: “My parents are sinning against their own flesh +and blood; but they will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy +woman foretold of me last year: ‘A _great_ but _short_ career after +many difficult struggles; and my line of life is broken!’ That will +all happen as predicted, and my mother can recite that lovely poem of +Freiligrath’s or Anastasius Grun’s, or whosever it is ‘Love as long +as thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. The hour draws on, the hour +draws on, when thou shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan.’” + Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to bed I kept on +thinking of it and could not go to sleep. + +August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about the sleep-walking, and +she said that it was really so, when she walked in her sleep it was +always at _that time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it was +last year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten her mother, when +her mother had first told her she would not be allowed to go on the +stage. It does not seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely +to gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone is coming to +fetch her home, and for that reason she was crying all the morning. + +August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her mother and Lizzi. Hella had +a splendid time in Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with me, +to tell me something important. That made it rather inconvenient that +Ada was still there. Hella never gets on with Ada, and she says too that +one never really knows what she is looking at, she always looks right +through one. We could not get a _single minute_ alone together for a +talk. I do hope Hella will be able to come over once more before she +goes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol because an +old friend of her mother’s from Berlin is staying there. + +August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father came to fetch her. He says +she has a screw loose, because she wants to go on the stage. + +August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was alone and I met her at +the steam tram. At first she did not want to tell me what the important +thing was because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she got +it out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since Hella knows Lisel because +they used to go to gym. together, they had a talk, and that cheeky +Robert said: Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time in +er . . . er . . ., and then he pretended he could not remember where it +was; and he spoke of _that time_ as if it had been 10 years ago. But the +most impudent thing of all was this; he said that I had not wanted to +call him Bob, because that always made me think of a certain part of +the body; I never said anything of the kind, but only that I thought +Bob silly and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got intimate): +“Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer that you should use my full +name.” I remember it as well as if it had happened this morning, and I +know exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. Hella took +him up sharply: That may be all quite true, we have never discussed +such trifles, and, at that time we were “all, _every one of us_, still +nothing but children.” Of course she meant to include ----. I won’t even +write his name. Another thing that made me frightfully angry is that he +said: I dare say your friend is more like you now, but at that time she +was still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: “That’s not the +sort of phrase that it’s seemly to use to a young lady,” and she would +not speak to him any more. I never heard of such a thing, what business +is it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks that I was +not quite particular enough in my choice of companions. She says that +Bob is still nothing but a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, +Bob--Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; that is if we +ever speak of him at all. When we don’t like some one we shall call him +simply Bob, or better still B., for we really find it disagreeable to +say Bob. + +August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, Hella has gone to +Hungary, and I hardly ever talk to Dora, at least about anything +_interesting_. Ada’s letters are full of nothing but my promises about +Vienna. It’s really too absurd, I never promised anything, I merely said +I would speak to Mother about it when I had a chance. I have done so +already, but Mother said: There can be no question of anything of the +kind. + +September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella’s father is going to take +me to K-- M--in Hungary to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted. +Hella is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her father said: She +can ask for anything she likes. But she did not think of anything in +particular, and had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up this +wish. And after she had been here she wrote to her father in Cracow, +where he is at manoeuvres, saying that if he would like to grant her her +chief wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to take me with +him to K-- M--; this was really the _greatest wish_ she had ever had +in her life! So Colonel Bruckner called at Father’s office to-day and +showed him Hella’s letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the State Railway +terminus. Unfortunately that’s a horrid railway. The Western Railway is +much nicer, and I like the Southern Railway better still. + +September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I’m going to Vienna alone and I +have to change at Liesing, I do hope I shall get into the right train. +I got a letter from Hella first thing this morning, in which she wrote: +“Perhaps we shall be together again in a few days.” That’s all she said +about that; I suppose she did not know yet whether I was really coming. +Mother will have to send my white blouses after me, because all but one +are dirty. I’m going to wear my coat and skirt and the pink blouse. I’m +going to take twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for I’m +going to write whatever happens, in the mornings I expect, because in +the holidays I’m sure Hella will never get up before 9; on Sundays in +Vienna she would always like to lie in bed late, but her father won’t +let her. + +But whatever happens I won’t learn to ride, for it must be awful to +tumble off before a strange man. It was different for Hella, for Jeno, +Lajos, and Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode close +beside her with his arm round her waist: but that would not quite do in +my case. + +September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like Jeno best, he goes +about with me everywhere and shows me everything; Hella is fondest of +Lajos and of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, for +he was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year Lajos will be a lieutenant, +and this autumn Jeno is going to the military academy, Erno has a slight +limp, nothing bad, but he can’t go into the army; he is going to be a +civil engineer, not here, he is to go to America some day. + +I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have gone to S. on their +cycles and I have never learned. + +It was lovely on the journey! It’s so splendid to travel with an +officer, and still more when he is a colonel. All the stationmasters +saluted him and the guards could not do enough to show their respect. Of +course everyone thought I was his daughter, for he has always said “Du” + to me since I was quite a little girl. But to Ada Father always says +“Sie.” We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever it is called, +and Hella’s father hired a carriage and it took us 2 hours to drive to +K-- M--. He was awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it was +only half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters tumbling over +each other to serve him. It s just the same with Father, except that the +stationmasters don’t all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished +too, but he is not in uniform. + +Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von Kraics came yesterday +from Radufalva, his best friend left him the Radufalva estate out of +gratitude, because 8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the +friend was in love. It’s true, Colonel Bruckner says that K. is a +wretched milksop; but I don’t think so at all; he has such fiery eyes, +and looks a real Hungarian nobleman. Hella says that he used to run +himself frantically into debt, because every six months he had an +_intimacy_ with some new woman; and all the presents he gave _reduced +him almost to beggary_. Still, it’s difficult to believe that, for +however fond a woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not quite +see why that should reduce anyone to beggary. Before we went to sleep +last night Hella told me that Lajos had already been “infected” more or +less; she says there is not an officer who has not got venereal disease +and that is really what makes them so frightfully interesting. Then I +told her what Ada had told me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said: +I doubt if that’s all true; of course it is more likely since he was +an actor, and especially since he was in the army at one time, but +generally speaking civilians are _wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she could +not stand that in her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically; +that’s a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, and she would +never marry a man who had not _lived_. Most girls, especially when +they get a little older; want the very opposite! and then it suddenly +occurred to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why Dora _bade +farewell_ to _Lieutenant R_., and not the _friendship with Mother_; +it is really awfully funny, and no one would have thought it of her. +Hella’s father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. Hella’s +uncle hardly ever says anything, and when he does speak he is difficult +to understand; Hella’s father says that his sister-in-law wears the +breeches. That would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. “But +not too much so” says Hella. She always gets cross when her father says +that about wearing breeches. I got an awful start yesterday; we went +out on the veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found Hella’s +great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. She told me about him once, +that he’s quite off his head, not really paralysed but only pretends to +be. Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when she was only +9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her a thrashing. But her uncle came +in, and then he let her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she is +awfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his room, and he has a male +attendant, because no nurse can manage him. He ought really to be in an +asylum but there is no high class asylum in Hungary. + +September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus this morning; the great +uncle, the people here call him “kutya mog” or however they spell it, +and it means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. He can +walk with a stick, our room is on the ground floor, and he came and +planted himself in front of the window when Hella was washing and I was +just getting out of bed. Then Hella’s father came and made a tremendous +row and the uncle swore horribly in Hungarian. Before dinner we +overheard Hella’s father say to Aunt Olga: “They would be dainty morsels +for that old swine, those innocent children.” We did laugh so, _we_ +and _innocent children!!!_ What our fathers really think of us; we +innocent!!! At dinner we did not dare look at one another or we should +have exploded. Afterwards Hella said to me: “I say, do you know that we +have the same name day?” And when I said: “What do you mean, it seems to +me you must have gone dotty this morning,” she laughed like anything +and said: “Don’t you see, December 27th, Holy Innocents’ Day!” Oh it +did tickle me. She knew that date although she’s a Protestant because +December 27th is Marina’s birthday, and in our letters we used to speak +of that deceitful cat as “The Innocent.” + +The three boys and I have begun to use “Du” to one another, at supper +yesterday Hella’s father said to Erno: “You seem frightfully ceremonious +still, can’t you make up your minds to drop the ‘Sie?’” So we clinked +glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and I were standing at the window +admiring the moon, he said: “You Margot, that was not a real pledge of +good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; hurry up, before +anyone comes,” and before I could say No he had given me a kiss. After +all it was all right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with +Lajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, or Ilonka as they +call her here. + +Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing one another, and Lajos +said: “Look Ilonka, they are setting us a good example.” We are so +awfully happy here. It’s such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and Lajos +have got to leave for the Academy, where Jeno is to enter and Lajos is +in his third year: Erno, the least interesting of the three, is staying +till October. But that is always the way of life, beautiful things pass +and the dull ones remain. We go out boating every day, yesterday and +to-day by moonlight. The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we +are always terrified that it will upset. And then they say: “You have +your fate in your own hands; buy your freedom and you will be as safe as +in Abraham’s bosom.” + +September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since what happened the other +day; whenever he sees us he threatens us with his stick, and though we +are not really afraid, because he can’t do anything to us, still it’s +rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of things, stories and sagas one +has read. That is the only thing I don’t quite like here. But we are +leaving on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often come to see +the Bruckners; I’m awfully glad. I don’t know why, I always fancied that +they could only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though they +always speak it at home when they are alone. Hella told me to-day for +the first time that all the flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday +in hospital had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell me at +that time because he wished her to keep it a secret. This has made me +rather angry, for I see that I have been much franker with her than she +has been with me. + +September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we stayed up till midnight +last night. We had been to N-- K--, I don’t know how to spell these +Hungarian names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It was +lovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially as it is raining +as well. It’s the first time it’s rained since I came. Partings are +horrid, especially for the ones left behind; the others are going to new +scenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything is hatefully +dull and quiet. In the afternoon Hella and I went into Jeno’s and Lajos’ +room, it had not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. Then +Hella suddenly began sobbing violently, and she flung herself on Lajos’ +bed and kissed the pillow. _That_ is how she loves him! I’m sure _that_ +is the way Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable of +_such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and intimate friendship +with Mother_. Hella says she has always been in love with Lajos, but +that _her eyes were first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me going +about together and talking to one another. Now she will love Lajos for +evermore. Next year they will probably get engaged, she can’t be engaged +till she is 14 for her parents would not allow it. It is for her sake +that he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars best. +They all _live frightfully hard_, and are tremendously smart. + +September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back In Vienna, and Father, +Mother, and Dora came back from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too +funny; since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep Dora is afraid +she has been _infected_. She does not seem to know what the word really +means! And while I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept in +our room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. Of course no one takes +to walking in their sleep simply from sleeping alone, but that was only +a pretext; Dora has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather +a coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If Father had been +afraid too, I suppose I should have had to come back post-haste, and +if I had been afraid to travel alone, and there had been no one to come +with me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I told them so. +Father laughed like anything at my “_combinations_,” and Dora got in a +frightful wax. She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_ +she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love enobles +[veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about that when he heard Hella say +it once. He said: “You’ve made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say: +Love makes fools of people [vereselt].” Of course that’s because he’s not +in love with anyone. + +September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau Doktor M. is perfectly +fascinating, she looks splendid and she said the same to both of us. +Thank goodness she’s the head of our class again. In French we have a +new mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly hideous, covered with +pimples, a thing I simply can’t stand in any one; Hella says we must be +careful never to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch +them. In Maths and Physics we have another new mistress, she is a Doktor +too, and she speaks so fast that none of us can understand her; but +she looks frightfully clever, although she is very small. We call her +“_Nutling_” because she has such a tiny little head and such lovely +light-brown eyes. Otherwise the staff is the same as last year, and +there are a few new girls and some have left, but only ones we did not +know intimately. This is Franke’s last year at the Lyz., she will be +16 in April and has a splendid figure. Her worst enemy must admit that. +Dora is having English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfully +pleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and it will help her +too in her matriculation. + +September 25th. Yesterday and the day before Mother was so ill that the +doctor had to be sent for at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she +is better now. But on such days I simply can’t write a word in my diary; +I feel as if I oughtn’t to. And the days seem everlasting, for nobody +talks much, and it’s awful at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, +lying on the sofa. + +September 29th. I’ve had such an awful toothache since the day before +yesterday. Dora says it’s only an ache for a gold filling like Frau +Doktor M.’s. Of course that’s absurd; for first of all, surely I ought +to know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and secondly the dentist says +that the tooth really is decayed. I have to go every other day and +I can’t say I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such a +frightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is really very nice, if +one could only understand better what she says, but she talks at such a +rate that in the Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. +Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, not even an endearing +one. The only one that could possibly be given to her is Angel, and that +could not be a real name, it’s quite unmeaning. In the drawing class we +are going to draw from still life, and, best of all, animal studies too, +I am so delighted. + +October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were coming home from the Imperial +Festival, we met Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see +us. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking with 3 other officers +whom neither I nor Hella know. We were frightfully angry because he +did not recognise us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were both +wearing our big new autumn hats, which shade our faces very much. + +October 11th. There was a frightful row in the drawing lesson to-day. +Borovsky had written a note to one of her friends: “The little Jewess, +F. (that means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia with her +horsehair pate with or without inhabitants.” Something of that sort +was what she had written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, +Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment and seized the note. +“Who is F.?”, she asked, but no one answered. That made her furious and +she put the note in her pocket. At 1 o’clock, when the lesson was over, +Borovsky went up to her and asked her for the note. Then she asked once +more: “Who is F.?” And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help +Borovsky out, said: “She forgot to write Frau Doktor Fuchs.” Then the +row began. I can’t write it all down, it would take too long; of course +Borovsky will be expelled. She cried like anything and begged and +prayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein Scholl says she is +going to give the letter to the head. + +October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up with a chill, so Frl. +Scholl gave the note to Frau Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good +because Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, and bad because +Frau Doktor M. was frightfully angry. She gave us a fine lecture about +True Good Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was not mixed +up in the business, for she did give Borovsky and Fellner a rating. It’s +probably true, then, that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that +_she_ above all should be going to have a cruel husband; at least if all +that Resi told us is true; and I expect there is some truth in it. We +are frightfully curious to know whether the Nutling has heard anything +about it and if so what she will do. + +October 13th. I don’t think the Nutling can have heard anything for she +seemed just as usual; but Hella thinks and so do I that she would not +show anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow it was horridly +vulgar; one is not likely to pass it on to the person concerned. Why we +think she does not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner +were called up. + +October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought Dora’s handkerchiefs +with her monogram and the coronet, lovely; I want some like them for +Christmas. And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, +these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the coronet upon +everything. By the way, here is something I’d forgotten to write: In one +of the first days of term Father gave each of us one of his new visiting +cards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau Doktor M. and Dora +hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to have the names properly entered in the +class lists. Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau Doktor M. +was awfully sweet. She said: “Well, Lainer, I suppose you are greatly +pleased at this rise in rank?” And I said: “Oh yes, I’m awfully +delighted, but only inside,” then she said: That’s right; “Religion, +name, and money do not make the man.” Was not that charming! I write the +v before my name awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. What a +shame that she is not noble! _She_ would be worthy of it!! + +October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, he is to study mining, +but _against_ Father’s will. But Father says that no one must be forced +into a profession, for if he is he will always say throughout life that +he only became this or that on compulsion. The other evening Dora said +that Oswald had only chosen mining in order to get away from home; if he +were to study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get away from +Vienna, and that is the chief thing to him. Besides, he is a bit of a +humbug; for when he came home from Graz after matriculation he said in +so many words: “How delightful to have one’s legs under one’s own table +again and to breathe the _family atmosphere_.” Dora promptly said to +him: “Hm, you don’t seem to care so very much about home, for always +when you come home for the holidays the first thing you do is to make +plans for getting away.” For she is annoyed too that Oswald can +travel about wherever he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being +“_subjected to intolerable supervision”!!_ What about us? He can stay +out until 10 at night and _never_ comes to afternoon tea, and in fact +does just what he likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just ever +so little late, there’s a fine row. As for the lectures poor Dora had +to endure when Viktor was waiting for her, I shall never forget them. +Of course she denies it all now, but I was present at some of them so +I know; otherwise he would not have called me “the Guardian Angel.” She +behaves now as if she had forgotten all about that, so I often remind +her of it on purpose when we are alone together. The other day she said: +“I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don’t speak any more of that matter; I +have buried the affair for ever.” And when I said: “Buried, what do you +mean? A true love can’t simply be _buried_ like that,” she said: “It was +not a true love, and that’s all there is to say about it.” + +October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in the arithmetic lesson +to-day. All of a sudden Hella flushed dark red and I thought to myself: +Aha, that’s it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has it +begun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me directly, she will be +14 in February and _it_ will certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said: +Lainer, what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came up to +the desk and took the black-line paper. “What does that mean: Has it +begun???” Perhaps she really did not know what I meant, but several of +the girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in a terrible fright. +But Hella was simply splendid. “Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked +whether the frost had begun yet.” “And that’s the way you spend your +time in the mathematics lesson?” But thank goodness that made things all +right. Only in the interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably +stupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write a thing like that +for? _When_ it begins, _of course_ she will let me know directly. As a +matter of fact it has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it will +be better to say “Endt,” a sort of portmanteau word of _developed_ +[entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That will really be splendid +and Hella says that I happened upon it in a lucid interval. It’s really +rather cheeky of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one’s +friend. She absolutely insists that I must never again put her in such +a fix in class. Of course it happened because I am always thinking: Now +then, this is the day. + +November 8th. On Father’s and Dora’s birthday Mother was so ill that +we did not keep it at all. I was in a terrible fright that Mother was +seriously ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won’t even think it; +one simply must not write it down even if one is not superstitious. Aunt +Dora came last week to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating, +for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse just when we are +away. As soon as she is able to get up for long enough Father is going +to take her to see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it must +be true that Mother’s illness comes from _that_. + +November 16th. Oh it’s horrible, Mother has to have an operation; I’m so +miserable that I can’t write. + +November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she wants us to go skating to +take our thoughts off the operation. But Dora says too that it would be +brutal to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation in a few +days. Father said to us yesterday evening: “Pull yourselves together +children, set your teeth and don’t make things harder for your poor +Mother.” But I can’t help it, I cry whenever I look at Mother. + +November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since Mother went away; we had +to go to school and we believed she would not leave until the afternoon, +but the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that Father had arranged +all that because I could not control myself. Well, who could? Dora cries +all day; and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. + +November 28th. Thank goodness, it’s all safely over, Mother will be +home again in a fortnight. I’m so happy and only now can I realise how +_horribly_ anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother at the +hospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always go all together, that +is either with Father or with Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does +go to see Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day about the +flowers, she behaves as if Mother were only _her_ mother. On Thursday, +the first time we saw Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, +although the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunately +yesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we were, and Father said that seeing +so many people at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must go away. +Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma and Marina had better go away, +but Aunt did not understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt come? +We hardly ever meet since the trouble about Marina and that jackanapes +Erwin; only when there is a family party; Oswald says it’s not a family +gathering but a family dispersal because nearly always some one takes +offence. + +November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ with Mother. At school I +said I had an awfully bad headache and asked if I might go home before +the French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother was that Frau Doktor +Dunker was ill, so we had no lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies +to an invalid, but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella’s mother always +calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, because Frau +Doktor Dunker has nothing to do with the Fourth, so Dora won’t hear +anything about it. Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able to +see _me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora does go alone. +Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara said she was a perfect angel in +goodness and patience. Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe +me. At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything about it, +but when we were putting on our things after dinner to go and see Mother +I said en passant as it were: “This is the second time I shall be seeing +Mother to-day.” And when Dora said: What do you mean? I said quite +curtly: “One of our lessons did not come off, and so I took the chance +_too_ of being able to see Mother _alone_.” Then she said: Did the +porter let you in without any trouble? It surprises me very much that +such _very_ young girls, who are almost children still, are allowed to +go in alone. Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: “Oh well, +nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both of you_ can go alone to +the hospital all right.” On the way we did not speak to one another. + +December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took Mother a big flower pot, and +tied to the stick was a label on which Father had written; “Being ill +is punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense of Section 7 the +Mothers’ and Housewives’ Act.” Mother was frightfully amused. The doctor +says she is going on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in a +few days. + +December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the evening when we were leaving +the dining-room Father said: “Gretl you have forgotten something.” And +when I came back he took me by the hand and said: “Why didn’t you tell +me that you want so much to see Mother _alone_? You need not make such +a secret of it.” And then I burst out crying and said: “Yes, I need not +keep it secret from you, but I don’t like Dora to know all about it. +Did she tell you what happened the other day?” But Father does not know +anything about my pretended headache, but only that I wanted so much to +see Mother alone. He was awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying: +“You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you always will be.” + But I got away as quick as I could, for I felt so ashamed because of my +fibbing. If it were not for Dora I’m sure I should never tell any lies. + +December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went to see Mother in the +morning, and Aunt and Dora went in the afternoon. And since Father had +to go into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a friend, I went on +alone to see Mother and he came in afterwards. Mother asked me about my +Christmas wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she should +get well and live for ever. I was awfully glad that Dora was not there, +for I could never have got that out before her. Still, she made me +tell her my wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs with +“monogram and coronet,” visiting cards with _von_, a satchel like that +which most of the girls in the _higher_ classes have, and the novel +Elizabeth Kott. But I am not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified +and said: My darling child, that’s not the sort of book for you; who on +earth put that into your head; Ada, I suppose? From what I know of your +tastes, it really would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, +but I’m certain I should not find the book stupid. + +December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; we did not know what time +she was coming, but only that it was to be to-day. And because I was +so glad that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three songs, and +Mother said: That is a good omen when one is greeted with a song. +Then Dora was annoyed because _she_ had not thought of singing. We had +decorated the whole house with flowers. + +December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for Mother and Dora is +making her a footstool so that she can sit quite comfortably when she is +reading. For Father we have bought a new brief bag because his own is so +shabby that it makes us quite ashamed; but he always says: “It will do +for a good while yet.” For a long time I did not know what to get for +Aunt Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace fichu; for she is +awfully fond of lace. I am giving Hella a sketch book and a pencil case; +she draws beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora I am +getting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette case with a horse’s head +on it, for he is frightfully taken up with racing and the turf. + +December 16th. Owing to Mother’s illness I’ve had simply no time to +write anything about the school, although there has been a _great +deal_ to write about, for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again, +although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most of the girls can’t +bear the Nutling because she makes such favourites of the Jewish girls. +It’s quite true that she does, for example Franke, who is never any +good, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and Physics; and she +lets Weinberger do anything she likes. I always get Excellent both +for school work and prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but +Berbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is no longer the +favourite as she was with Frau Doktor St. The other day it was quite +unpleasant in the Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happened +to be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would be as a decimal +fraction; so we went on talking about recurring [periodic] decimals and +every time she used the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, but +luckily some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage and simply +screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St’s lesson in the First, some of the +girls giggled at the same thing and she went on just as if she had not +noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic places_, and +then one does not think of the real meaning so much. Frau Doktor F. said +she should complain to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly behaviour. +But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella and I simply +exchanged glances and understood one another at once. I can’t endure +that idiotic giggling. + +December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he’s fine. It’s quite true that +he has really had a moustache for a long time, but was not allowed to +grow it at the Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes every +Saturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He always says that at the +Gymnasium everything manly is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not +a man and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a splendid moustache +now. Hella did not recognise him at first and drew back in alarm, she +only knew him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned it up, and +find that she has not seen him since the Easter before last. At first +he called her Fraulein, but her mother said: Don’t be silly. It did not +seem silly to me, but most polite!!! + +December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald is home again and he +really is awfully nice; he is giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron +group representing a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground +some roe deer as if in a pasture. + +December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother was very well +yesterday, and it has not done her any harm to stay up so long. I am so +happy. We both got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, they +have been made out of some earrings which Mother never wears now. But +the nice thing about it is that they are made from her earrings. +The satchel and Stifter’s Tales are awfully nice and so are the +handkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. Hella gave me a +reticule with my monogram and the coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora +and me small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze groups. We really +need two writing tables, but there is no room for two. So I am going +to arrange the little corner table as my writing table and have all my +things there. + +December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it was really awful. Hella’s +mother is perfectly right; when anyone looks like _that_ she ought not +to pay visits when she knows that other people may be there. Hella told +me the day before yesterday how frightfully noticeable it is in her +cousin that she is in an i-- c--! Her mother was very much put out on +her account and she wanted to prevent Emmy’s standing up. We were simply +disgusted and horrified. But her husband is awfully gentle with her; She +is certainly not pretty and especially the puffiness under her eyes is +horrid. They say that many women look like that when they are pr. She +was wearing a _maternity dress_, and that gives the whole show away! +Hella says that some women look awfully pretty when they are in an i-- +c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I shall be one of the first +kind, if I ever . . . No, it is really horrible, even if it makes one +pretty; when I think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like last +summer, yet Father has always said she is a a perfect beauty. Really no +one is pretty in an i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to her +room, and she said it had really been too much for her and that she +could not have stood it much longer. And we went on talking about it for +such a long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. On Sunday +Emmy and her husband are coming to dine with the Brs., and Hella begged +me to ask her to dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of +course she is coming here and thank goodness that will save her from +feeling ill. And then she said that I must not think she wanted to come +to us because of Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understand +that perfectly well, and she does not need to make any excuses to me. + +29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing a new dress, a light +strawberry colour, and it suited her admirably. In the evening Oswald +said: “two or three years more, and Hella will look ripping.” It does +annoy me so this continual _will_. Hella’s father simply said of me +that I _was_ charming,, and not that idiotic: I _was going to become_ +charming. I do hate the way people always talk out into the future. +However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. In the afternoon, +when Hella and I were talking about him, I wanted to turn the +conversation to Lajos, but she flushed up and said he was utterly false, +for since October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, just +when they were going to the theatre. Of course he says he does not care +a jot about the visits unless he can see her alone. She can’t realise +that that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it perfectly. +But it is really monstrous that Jeno has asked after me only once, quite +casually. And he really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But +that’s what young men are like. The proverb really applies to them: Out +of sight out of mind. + +December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but only in the morning for a +quarter of an hour. Not a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in +the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in an appearance, though +I’m sure she was at home. He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has +the same lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well-cut lips; +but he is very tall and she is quite small half a head shorter than +Mother. We owe them a call, but I don’t much think that we shall go. + +December 31st. I really have no time, since this is New Year’s Eve, but +I simply _must_ write. Dora and I went skating this morning, and we met +Viktor on the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke to us; +Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her and said that she must allow +him to have a talk, so he came skating with us since she would not go to +a confectioner’s with him. She was certainly quite right not to go to +a confectioner’s. Of course I don’t know what they talked about, but in +the afternoon Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye to +me; it’s impossible that he can have forgotten, so either I must have +been too far away at the time, or else Dora did not want him to; most +likely the latter. I’m frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately +in love with her. But she won’t come to her senses until it is too +late. I don’t think she has said a word to Mother either. But all the +afternoon she was playing melancholy music, and that shows how much she +had felt it. + +January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write because we had callers, +pretty dull for the most part, the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. +is such a stupid creature, and I don’t believe she knows the first thing +about _those matters_; Annie is not quite all there, Lotte is the only +tolerable one. Still, since we played round games for prizes, it was not +as dull as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite nice boys. +In the evening Mother was so tired out that Father said he really must +put a stop to all this calling; I can’t say I care much myself for +_that_ sort of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about +_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull books whenever +they have nothing else to say. School began again to-day, with a German +lesson thank goodness. Though I’m not superstitious in general, I must +say I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing in the morning we +met two chimneysweeps, and without our having tried to arrange it in any +way they passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck. + +January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday evening -- -- -- --! +She did not come to school yesterday, for the day before she felt +frightfully bad, and her mother really began to think she was going to +have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of that!!! She looks so ill +and interesting, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her; and +at first she did not want to tell me what was the matter. But when I +said I should go away if she did not tell me, she said: “All right, but +you must not make such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look +at me.” “Very well,” I said, “I won’t look, but tell me everything about +it.” So then she told me that she had felt frantically bad, as if she +was being cut in two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, +and then she had frantically high fever and shivered at the same time, +all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- tableau!! And then her mother told +her the chief things, though she knew them already. Earlier on Friday +the doctor had said: “Don’t let us be in a hurry to think about a +relapse, there may be _other!!_ causes.” And then he whispered to her +mother, but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew directly +what time of day it was. She acted the innocent to her mother, as if she +knew nothing at all, and her mother kissed her and said, now you are not +a child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. How absurd, so +_I_ am still a child! After all, on July 30th I shall be 14 too, and at +least one month before I shall have it too, so I shan’t be a _child_ for +more than six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, but she is +really a little puffed up about it; she won’t admit that she is, but I +noticed it quite clearly. The only girl I know who did not put on airs +when that happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is awfully shy, +and before her father too. But her mother has promised her not to tell +him. If only one can trust her!!! + +January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite of everything_. I +kept on looking at her, and in the interval she said: “I have told you +already that you must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is +the second time I’ve had to speak to you about it. One must not make +a joke about such things.” I was not going to stand that. One must not +look at her; very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from her; +then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with hers so that I nearly +burst out laughing, and she said: “Do look round, for that way is even +stupider.” Of course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she +told Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly that she felt very +unwell, and that what she had said to me was, she would have to go +home at 12. All the girls looked at one another, for they all know +what _unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella had better leave +directly, but she answered in French--that pleases Dunker awfully--that +she would rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply +splendid! + +January 12th. We went to the People’s Theatre to-day to the matinee of +The Fourth Commandment. The parting from the grandmother was lovely; +almost everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying because Dora +was only two places from me, and so did Hella, probably for the same +reason. Anyway she was not paying much attention to the play for in the +main interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, came up and said how +d’you do to Hella and her mother. He wanted to go home with them after +the performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of illness and if I +had it I should never admit it. Those illnesses in which one is swelled +up are the nastiest of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have +been invited to the Brs. and of course they asked me too, I am so glad. + +January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, we have such a +frantic lot of work, especially in French in which we are very backward, +at least Dunker says so!! She can’t stand Madame Arnau, that’s obvious. +For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a great deal better, if only because she +had no pimples. And Prof. Jordan’s History class is awfully difficult, +because he always makes one find out the causes for oneself; one has to +learn _intelligently!_, but that is very difficult in History. No one +ever gets an Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, but +she learns out of a book, not our class book, but the one on which Herr +Prof. J. bases his lectures. And because she reads it all up +beforehand, naturally she always knows all the causes of the war and the +_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something quite different, +and so Hella and I never dare look at one another when he is examining +us and asks: What were the consequences of this event? Of course the +Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was laughing at _him_ when she was only +laughing at _consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain, +especially to a gentleman!!!! + +January 20th. When Dora and I were coming home from skating to-day we +met Mademoiselle, and I said how d’you do to her at once, and I was +asking her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when suddenly I +noticed that Dora had gone on, and Mademoiselle said: “Your sister seems +in a great hurry, I don’t want to detain her.” When I caught Dora up and +asked her: “Why did you run away?” she tossed her head and said: “That +sort of company does not suit me.” “What on earth do you mean, you were +so awfully fond of Mad., and besides she is really lovely.” That’s true +enough, she said; but it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all +that--you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents’ backs _cannot +possibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got in such a fearful temper and +said: “Oh do shut up. Father and Mother did not know anything about +Viktor either, and you were happy enough then. It is just the secrecy +that makes one so happy.” Then she said very softly: “Dear Grete, you +too will change your views,” and then we did not say another word. But I +was awfully angry over her meanness; for first of all she wanted to hear +the whole story, although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she +pretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew where to find Mad. I +would warn her. Anyhow, this day week at 7 I shall take care to be in +W. Street, and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has a private +lesson somewhere in that neighborhood. + +January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, _in spite of_ the +operation. I have decided that I won’t go on Sunday to the Brs. although +Jeno will be there, and that I won’t wait about for Mademoiselle on +Monday. I have not told Hella anything about this for she would probably +say it was very stupid of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora +has twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear conscience_, but because +I don’t enjoy anything when Mother is ill. + +January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she asked Aunt Dora: “By the +way, Dora, has Grete put a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready +for the Brs. to-morrow?” Then I said: “I’m not going Mother,” and Mother +asked: “But why not, surely not on my account?” Then I rushed up to her +and said: “I can’t enjoy anything when you are ill.” And then Mother was +so awfully sweet, and she wept and said: “_Such moments_ make one forget +all pains and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I’m a good +deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be quite well again.” So I +answered: “All right, I’ll go, but only if you are _really_ well. +But you must tell me _honestly_.” But in any case I shan’t go to meet +Mademoiselle on Monday. + +January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at school, so I could not write +yesterday. We had a heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides +ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. Lajos is enough to +give one fits; it was absolutely ripping the way he imitated the wife of +Major Zoltan in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly write about +it, for my hand shakes so with laughing when I think of it. And then, +while Hella and Lajos were singing songs together, Jeno told me that +every student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. Mostly in +Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt though that is dangerous because of +being caught. All the officers know about it, but no one must be found +out. Then I told him about Oswald’s affair and he said: “Oswald was a +great donkey, you’ll excuse me for saying so since he’s your brother; +but really he made a fool of himself. He was only a civilian; it’s quite +different in the army.” Then I got cross and said: “That’s all very +well, Jeno, but you are not an officer yourself, so I don’t see how you +can know anything about it.” Then he said to Hella: “I say, Ilonka, +you must keep your friend in better order, she is rather inclined to +be insubordinate.” She is to make a written note of every act of +_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ punishment. +All very fine, but it will take two to that. + +January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle really passed through +W. Street again at 7 o’clock on Monday, for she certainly said very +distinctly: “Au revoir, ma cherie!” She is so pretty and so pale; +perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous about +-- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder whether she knows about +certain means, but one simply can’t tell her. + +February 2nd. I’ve had a wonderful idea and Hella thinks it a positive +inspiration. We are going to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about +those means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise +my writing. We think something of that sort must have happened to +Mademoiselle, for the other day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: “If we +had known that, we should never have engaged her for the children; it +will be a terrible thing for her parents.” And Aunt Dora said: “Yes, +those are the sort of people who hide their disgrace under the water.” + It seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ child. And +the worst of it is, that they know that she has done _that_. We must +help the poor thing. And _that_ is why Dora is so indignant all of +a sudden. But how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in +Mademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly have seen it, for +Hella often says I’ve a keen eye for it. That is quite true, I was the +first person to notice it in the maid at Prof. Hofer’s, when even Father +had not noticed it. + +February 4th. Well, we have written to her, at least Hella has, saying +there are _such_ means, and that she will find all the details in the +encyclopedia. We have addressed it to F. M. and signed it “Someone +who understands you.” Unfortunately we shall never be able to find out +whether she got the letter, but the main thing is that she _should_. + +February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a letter can give one! In +the interval to-day the school servant came up to me and said: Please +are you Fraulein Lainer of the Third. “There is a letter for you.” I +blushed furiously, for I thought, it must be from Mademoiselle, but my +blushing made Frau Berger think it must be from a young man: “Really I +ought to give it to the head mistress; I am not allowed to deliver any +letters to the pupils, but in your case I will make an exception. But +please remember if it happens again I shall have to hand it in to the +office.” Then I said: “Frau Berger, I am quite certain it is not from +a gentleman, but from a young lady,” and when she gave it to me I saw +directly that it really was not from a gentleman but only from Ada! +It really is too stupid of her! At the New Year she reproached me for +having broken my word, and now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund +Theatre or at the People’s Theatre whether Herr G. is there; she says +she can’t live without him in St. P. But in the holidays she told me +that she was not in love with him, that for her he was only _a means to +an end_. I’m absolutely certain she said that. Nothing will induce me +to go to enquire at a theatre _office_, and Hella says too that to make +_such_ a suggestion is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her an +ordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have got me into at +school. I really think Ada has a bee in her bonnet, as Father always +says. + +February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! I was sent for to the +office to-day because the school servant had complained that on two +occasions I had thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It’s quite +true that I did drop one piece there yesterday, but I pushed it out of +the way with my foot into the corner, and as for any other time I know +nothing about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. Frau Berger +thought I would give her some money for that letter; just fancy, how +absurd, money for a letter like that, I wouldn’t give 20 kreuzer for +such a letter. But since then she’s been in a frightfully bad temper, I +noticed it on Wednesday when we were wiping our shoes at the door. What +I said to the head was: “It happened only once, and I kicked the peel +into the corner where no one could tread on it, but I certainly did not +do it twice, and Bruckner can confirm what I say.” Then the head said: +“Oh well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the next time you +drop something, please pick it up.” Frau Berger is furious, and all we +girls in our class have decided that while we won’t make more mess than +we need, still, we shan’t be too particular. If any one of us happens to +drop a piece of paper she will just let it lie. Such cheek, one really +can’t stand it! + +February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have not got any +Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and Excellent. Father and Mother are +awfully pleased and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed Dora has +practically nothing but Excellents, only three Praiseworthies; but she +studies frantically hard, and she is learning Latin again with Frau +Doktor M. If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, I shall +go too, for that way we shall have her for 3 hours longer each week. +By the way, Franke has actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics, +though she’s hardly any good. The Nutling seems to give extraordinarily +good reports, for twice in the Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an +Unsatisfactory, and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. With +Frau Doktor M. one has really to deserve one’s report, and it was just +the same last year with Fr. Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr +Prof. Jordan. Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except that +deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. are giving a great +birthday party because of Hella’s 14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are +coming and the two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them, +especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older than Kitty, for +they are _twins!!_ How awful!!! They only came to the Lyz this year, and +Hella meets them skating every day, I don’t because we have no season +tickets this year but only take day tickets when we can go, because +of Mother’s illness. I am giving Hella an electric torch with a very +powerful reflector, so that it really lights up the whole room, and an +amber necklace. + +February 14th. It’s a good thing that we have the half-term holiday +to-day and to-morrow for that gives me time to write all about +yesterday. It was simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many happy +returns quite early, and I stayed to dinner and Lajos and Jeno had been +invited to dinner too in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought +a box of sweets, and 3 of Hella’s girl cousins and two boys, one of whom +is frightfully stupid and never speaks a word, and several aunts and +other ladies, for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did not +bother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi’s room, and Hella’s room +had been arranged for us. Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers +that they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos proposed a toast +to Hella and another at tea. Hella was splendid, and in the evening she +said to me: “At 14 one really does become a different being.” For in +proposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 years a human being +is completely changed, and Hella thinks that is perfectly true. Thank +goodness, _in 6 1/2 months I shall change my whole being too_. There +really did seem to be something different about her, and when we all had +to blow to extinguish the candles on her birthday cake, all except the +life-light in the middle, as a sign that the other years have passed, +she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in joke or through +awkwardness some one would blow out her life-light. Thank goodness it +was all right. I don’t much care for such things myself, for I’m always +afraid that something might happen. Of course I know that it’s only a +superstition, but it would have been horribly unpleasant if anyone +had blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella an enormous +_square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a silver ring with a heart +pendant. He wanted her to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_ +one--the _wedding_ ring. But she can’t because of her parents, so she +begged me to allow her to say that I had given it her, but that would +not do either because of Father and Mother. _These_ things are such a +nuisance, and that is why no young man will ever go on living at home +where one is continually being questioned about everything one has, +and does, and wears. After tea we sang: “Had I but stayed on my lonely +Hearth” and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, and in the +evening we danced while Hella’s Father played for us; and then Elwira, +the tall cousin, danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. I’ve +never known such a birthday party as yesterday’s. It’s only possible in +winter; you can never have anything like it on my birthday, July 30th, +for the people one is fondest of are never all together at that time. +Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday months, but always +sometime between the end of September and June. I do wish I were 14, I +simply can’t wait. Hella’s mother said to Hella, You are not a child any +longer, but a grown-up; I do wish I were too!!! + +February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All the girls and all the +staff are delighted with her. She is so small she might be only 10, but +awfully pretty. She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don’t +agree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown eyes, a lovely mouth, +and a complexion like milk and roses. She is the daughter of a bank +manager in Hamburg; he shot himself, I don’t know why. Of course she is +in mourning and it suits her wonderfully. She has a strong North German +accent. Frau Doktor Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is +awfully fond of her too. + +February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day with Anneliese. She is +called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. Her mother has been so frightfully +upset by her father’s death that she’ll probably have to be sent to a +sanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna to stay with her +uncle. He is a professor and they live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora +thinks her charming too, the whole school is in love with her, she is +going to gym. with us; I am so glad. Of course she won’t stand near +Hella and me because she’s so small; but we can always keep an eye on +her, show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. Hella is a +trifle jealous and says: “It seems to me that Anneliese has quite taken +my place in your affections.” I said that was not a bit true, but did +she not think Anneliese awfully loveable? “Yes,” said Hella, “but one +must not neglect old friends on that account.” “I certainly shan’t do +anything of the kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will show +her everything and explain everything.” Besides, the head mistress and +Frau Doktor M. placed her in front of me and said to us: “Give her a +helping hand.” + +February 20th. It’s such a pity that I can’t ask Anneliese here, for +Mother has been in bed for the last week. But she is going to Hella’s +on Sunday, and since I am going too of course I am frightfully glad. +Naturally I would much rather have her here; but unfortunately it’s +impossible because of Mother. Dora thinks that Mother will have to have +another operation, but I don’t believe it, for _such_ an operation can +only be done _once_. What I can’t understand is why there should be +anything wrong with Mother if the operation was successful. Dora is +afraid that Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I don’t +believe she has, because if one has cancer one can’t recover. + +February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! Anneliese did not +come until 4, for they don’t have dinner until 3. She wore a white +embroidered frock with black silk ribbons. Hella’s mother kissed her +with tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in a sanatorium because +is suffering from _nervous_ disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle +and aunt. But she often cries because of her father and mother. Still, +she enjoyed herself immensely in the round games, winning all the best +prizes, a pocket comb and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a +negro with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen-wiper, a double +vase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, and a note book, Hella won a lot +of things too, and so did her two cousins and Jenny. + +Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the Wacht am Rhein and a lot +of folk songs; her voice is as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I +stayed till 8. + +March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in vised to Anneliese’s. I am +so awfully glad. I shall ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse +and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature went up to 54 +degrees to-day. + +March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese’s. She shares a room with her +cousin; she is only 11 and goes to the middle school, but she is a +nice girl I expected to find everything frightfully smart at Professor +Arndt’s, but it was not so at all. They have only 3 rooms not +particularly well furnished. He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their +granddaughter, she lives with them because her father is in Galicia, a +captain or major I think. It was not so amusing as at Hella’s. We played +games without prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for the +sake of the prizes, but what’s the use of playing if one does not win +anything? Then they read aloud to us out of a story book. But what Hella +and I found exasperating was that Anneliese’s uncle said “Du” to us +both. For Hella is 14, and I shall be 14 in a few months. But Hella +was quite right; in conversation she said: “At the High School only +the mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to say Sie.” + Unfortunately he went away soon after, so we don’t know whether he took +the hint. Hella says too that it was not particularly entertaining. + +March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; of course Father has +not told us so, but she has to have another operation. Dora has cried +her eyes out and my knees are trembling. She’s going to hospital on +Friday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday and will stay here till +Mother is well again. I do so dread the operation, and still more +Mother’s going away. It’s horrible, but still lots of people have cancer +and don’t die of it. + +March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. Oh I am so glad! +Everything is so quiet in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the +passages. Mother said: “I don’t want to stay here any longer, let me go +back to my children.” We went to see Mother in hospital every day and +took her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed to eat +anything during the first few days after the operation. But it’s quite +different now that she’s home again. I should have liked to stay away +from school to-day, but Mother said: “No, children, go to school, do it +to please me.” So of course we went, but I simply could not attend to my +lessons. + +March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks frightfully ill and still +has a lot of pain. I’m sure the doctors can’t really understand her +case; for if they had operated properly she would not still have pain +after the _second_ operation. I should like to know _what_ Mother has +been talking to Dora about, for they both cried. Although Dora and I +are on good terms now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised +Mother not to speak about it. I can’t believe that Mother has told Dora +a _secret_, but perhaps it was something about marrying. For Dora only +said: “Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, for my mind was +quite made up in any case.” I do hate such hints, it’s better to say +nothing at all. As soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia for +a change, and most likely Dora will go with her. + +March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia next week. Dora thinks +I envy her the journey, and she said: “I would _willingly_ renounce the +journey and the seaside if only Mother would get well. And this year when +I have to matriculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure.” I’m +so awfully miserable that I simply can’t wear a red ribbon in my hair, +though red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but since +yesterday a brown one, for Mother said: “Oh, Gretel, do give up that +black ribbon; it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all.” Of course +I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so I took the brown one and +said the red ribbon was quite worn out. + +April 12th. I never get my diary written. It’s so gloomy at home for +Mother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easter +holidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to have +gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year they +are probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach or +Mitterberg near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don’t +feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not; +for she said: “So I shall have all my three darlings together here at +Easter.” When she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out of +the room so that she might not see me. But she must have seen, for after +dinner she said: “Gretel, if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners, +I should like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little +pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the winter.” And then I +could not stop myself, and I burst out crying and said: “No, Mother, I +won’t go on any account. All I want is that you should get quite well +again.” And then Mother cried too and said: “Darling, I’m afraid I shall +never be quite well again, but I should like to stay until you are all +grown up; after that you won’t need me so much.” Then Dora came in and +when she saw that Mother was crying she said that Father had sent +for me. He hadn’t really but in the evening she told me that Mother’s +illness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to upset her +or let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot and +promised one another that we would always stay with Father. + +May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are all +so awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father +speaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good. +It’s not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feel +as if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one is +always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her something or +tell her something. And when we go to bed we talk about her for such a +long time, and then I dream about her all night. Why should people die? +Or at least only quite old people, who no longer have anyone to care +about it. But a mother and a father ought never to die. The night after +Mother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with them, but I preferred +to stay at home; but late in the evening I did not dare to go into the +hall alone, so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door into the +drawing-room, where Mother was laid out, but all the same it was awfully +creepy. They did not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; I +should have so liked to see her once more. Good God, why should one die? +If only I had been called Berta after her; but she did not wish that +either of us should be called after her, nor did Father wish it in +Oswald’s case. + +May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing made me frightfully angry +with Dora, at least not really angry but hurt, that _she_ should have +gone into church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ have always +gone with Father and Dora has always gone with Mother. And while poor +Mother was in hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral Father +went with her, and I had to go with Aunt Dora. A few days later I spoke +to her about it, and she said it was quite natural because she is the +elder. She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, that that would +have been the proper thing. But he went alone. Another thing that annoys +me is this; when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and I sat on +the same side of the table at dinner and supper, and Aunt sat opposite +Mother, and when Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. After +she died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and now for about a week Dora +has been sitting in Mother’s place. I can’t understand how Father can +allow it! + +May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. For we had breast +of veal, and we had had the same thing on the day of poor Mother’s +funeral, and when the joint was brought in I happened to look at Dora +and saw that she was quite red and was sobbing frightfully. Then I could +not contain myself any more and said: “I can’t eat any breast of veal, +for on Mother’s burial day -- -- --,” then I could not say any more, and +Father stood up and came round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out +crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that we should never have +breast of veal again. For tea, Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we +had eaten hardly anything at dinner. + +May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora’s written matriculation. +Father wanted her to withdraw because she looks so ill, but she would +not for she said it would be a distraction for her and that she would +like to finish with the High School. Next year she is to go to a +preparatory school for the Gymnasium. She ought really to go to a +dancing class, for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is +quite impossible and of course she does not want to go anyhow. The head +thought too that Dora would withdraw from the examination because she +is so overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The staff were so +awfully sweet to us after Mother’s death, at least the women teachers +were. The professors don’t bother themselves about our private concerns, +for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau Doktor Steiner, from +whom we don’t have any lessons this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw +plainly that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. was an angel +as she always is! We did not go to the spring festival on May 20th, +though Father said we could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were +awfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, and indeed I shall +never go to any more amusements. No doubt the others enjoyed themselves +immensely, but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. In the +evenings I often fancy to myself that it is not really true, that Mother +has simply gone to Franzensbad and will be back soon. And then I cry +until my head aches or until Dora says: “Oh Gretel, I do wish you’d +stop, it’s awful.” She often cries herself, I can hear her quite well, +but _I_ never say anything. + +June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother’s death as _a sign of God’s +displeasure against Father!_ But what could _we_ have done to prevent +it? She said, Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have done, +and above all we had secrets from Mother. That is why God has punished +us. It’s horrible, and now that she is always speaking of the eye of God +and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid to go into a dark +room, because I always feel there is some one there who is eying me and +wants to seize me. + +June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; yesterday evening, +when I opened the drawing-room door and there was Father coming out, +quite unintentionally I gave a yell, and when Father asked what was the +matter I told him about God’s displeasure; only I did not tell him +it was against him, but only against Dora and me. And then Father was +frightfully angry for the first time since Mother’s death, and he told +Dora she was not to upset me with her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora +nearly had an attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent +for. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both had to take bromide. +To-day Father was awfully kind to us and said: “Girls, you’ve no reason +to reproach yourselves, you have always been good children, and I hope +you always will be good.” Yes, I will be, for Mother’s eye watches over +us. Hella thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day whether +perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I would not talk about such +things any more, that it would be an offence to my Mother’s memory. She +wanted to say something more, but I said: “No, Hella, I simply won’t +talk about _that_ any more. You can’t understand, because your mother is +still alive.” + +June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want to think any more +about _such_ things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I’m in a +frightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girl +from the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: “The head +mistress wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office +directly.” All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When we +came into the office, the door of the head’s room was shut and Fraulein +N. told us to wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside a +lady was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. “Do you spend +much time with Zerkwitz?” asked the head. “Yes, said I,” and I had a +foreboding. “This lady is Zerkwitz’s mother, she complains that you talk +about very improper things with her daughter; is it so?” “Hella and I +never wanted to tell her anything; but she begged us to again and again, +and besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and only pretended she +didn’t.” “_What_ did you think she knew, and what did you talk to her +about?” broke in Anneliese’s mother. “Excuse me,” said the head, “I will +examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned in the matter too?” “Very +seldom,” said I; “Yes, the chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose +mother died recently_.” Then I choked down my tears, and said: “We +should never have said a word about these matters unless Anneliese had +kept on at us.” After that I would not answer any more questions. Then +Hella was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew what was +up directly she saw my face. “What have you been talking about to +Zerkwitz?” Hella would not say at first, but then she said in as few +words as possible: “About getting babies, and about being married!” + “Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk about _such_ things,” + said Anneliese’s mother. “Such corrupt minds.” “We did not believe +that Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never have told +her anything,” said Hella just as I had; she was simply splendid. “As +regards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and we have often +advised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from school; but +she would not listen to us.” “I am talking about your conversations +with which you have corrupted the poor innocent child,” said Frau von +Zerkwitz. “She certainly must have known something about it before, or +she would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us,” + said Hella. “Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such corruptness +of mind!” Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella cried +frightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at +home. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we had +been crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese and +said out loud: “Traitress!!” and spat at her. For that she was ordered +out of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when Frau +Professor Kreindl said: “Not you, Lainer, you go on,” I said: “Excuse +me, I spat at her _too_,” and went and stood beside Hella. All the girls +looked at us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about it +already for she did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12 +Frau Doktor M. said: “Girls, why can’t you keep the peace together? This +continual misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble +for you and for your parents and for us.” Just before 12 Hella and +I were summoned to the head’s room again. “Girls,” she said, “it’s +a horrible business this. Even if your own imaginations have been +prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt others? As for +you, Lainer, you ought to be especially ashamed of yourself that such +complaints should be made of you when your mother has been buried only +a few weeks.” “Excuse me,” said Hella, “all this happened in the spring, +and even earlier, in the winter, for we were still skating at the time. +Rita’s mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz was continually +pestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, and said: ‘Don’t +trust her,’ but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau +Direktorin, don’t say anything about it to Rita’s father, for he would +be frightfully upset.” + +Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me to +write that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it all +down word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No one +ever had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. “You are +just as clever,” she says, “but you get so easily overawed, and besides +you are still quite nervous because of your mother’s death. I only hope +your father won’t hear anything about it.” That stupid idiot dug up the +old story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over and +done with ages ago. “You should never trust anyone,” says Hella, and +she’s perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would be +such a sneak. We don’t know yet what was up with Franke. As she came in +she put her finger to her lips, meaning of course “Betray nothing!” + +June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard in +the Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head came +in with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about _that +matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say I +did; Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thank +goodness, the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; in +Maths and French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. saw that +I had tears in my eyes and said something to the head; then the head +said: “She has recently lost her mother.” Then the Herr Insp. praised +me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said: +“It’s all right L., sit down,” and stroked my hair. She is so awfully +sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. will say a word for me +at the Staff Meeting. And I do hope that Father won’t hear anything of +it, for of course he would reproach me dreadfully because it all comes +so soon after Mother’s death. But really it all happened long before +that. The way it all happened was that Hella’s mother went away to see +Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first baby_. And then it +was that we told the “innocent child” (that’s what we call the deceitful +cat) everything. Hella still thinks that the “innocent child” was a +humbug. That is quite likely, for after all she is nearly fourteen; and +at 14 one must _surely_ know a great deal already; it’s impossible +that at that age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, as +Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be +“developed” too, because I always have such black rings under my eyes. I +overheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, “Little brats;” but Hella says that +the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards Hella was in fits of +laughter over the expression “little brats” for her mother always says +about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern with such +matters. Good Lord, when is one to learn all about it if one does not +know when one is nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I learned +these things _very early_, and it has not done us any harm. Hella’s +mother always says that if one learns such things too early one gets to +look old; but of course that’s nonsense. But why do mothers not want us +to know? I suppose they’re just ashamed. + +June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: “What +were you really talking about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head +called me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talking +of improper matters. She said I must watch over you in _Mother’s +place!_” Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when +Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what children are talking +of together. Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from the +Staff Meeting. I should hate that because of Father; that would mean +another fearful row; although Father is really awfully sweet now; I have +not had a single rowing since Mother first got ill. It’s quite true that +death makes people gentle, but why? Really one would have thought people +would get disagreeable, because they’ve been so much distressed. Last +week the tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should like +to go alone to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weep +before the others. + +June 18th. The “innocent child” does not come to gym. any longer, at +least she has not been since _that affair_. We think she’s afraid, +although we should not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent +contempt_, she’ll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And thank goodness +she does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are _deceitful_, +for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright +cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don’t tell such a +frightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguard +against _deceitfulness_. That’s why I don’t like cats. We have another +name for the “innocent child,” we call her the “red cat.” I think she +knows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so +excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. + +June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. But +she overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had +waited for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora would +not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarter +to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (I +believe one ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it does +not matter, I’m not Marina who knows _everything_ about the navy), that +is just at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when we +came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, it +was stupid; but I don’t think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that +for this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said so +too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfully +good and had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they +say that people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America, +the land of liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go to +school _together_ there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat we +sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; Hella was on the right +and I was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: “Girls, you’re +squashing me, or at least you’re crushing my dress!” She was wearing a +white frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly. +When we were near Hainburg Hella’s hat fell into the Danube, and all the +girls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. But +thank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a +lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except Frau Doktor +M. because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he went +about with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, +perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be horrid. Hella thinks +that is quite out of the question because of the German professor; +at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. than the +other, because he is said to be a Jew. “Still, with regard to all the +things that hang upon marriage, it’s the same with every man,” said I. +“That’s just the chief point, you little goose,” said Hella. And Frau +Doktor M. said: “Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? What +is the chief point?” I was just going to say: “We _can’t_ tell you +_that_,” when Hella interrupted me and said: “Just because I’m her chum +I can talk to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it.” Then +we went to dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next “_her_.” We +had veal cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the Herr +Religionsprof. went by he said: “How many weeks have you been fasting?” + Before dinner we went to the museum to see the things they had dug up in +the Roman camp. The head mistress and Fraulein V. explained everything. +It was most instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg. +It was great fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in, +the Fifth had got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits +of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a whole troop of officers +of the flying corps, frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at the +piano and began to play dance music. Another came up to the head and +begged her to allow the “young ladies” to dance. The head did not want +to at first, but all the girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, +and the Herr Rel. Prof. said: “Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have the +innocent pleasure,” and so they really were allowed to dance. The rest +of us either danced with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella +and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid lieutenant and +said: “May I venture to separate the two friends for a little dance?” + “If you please,” said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a +lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant danced with Hella and +in the evening on the way home she said that the lieutenant had really +wanted to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with my “If +you please” and had placed my hand on his shoulder. Of course that’s +not true, but it is not a thing one would quarrel about with one’s best +friend, and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately we were +not able to dance very long because we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost +forgotten, a captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor M., for +they know one another. She blushed furiously; so he is probably the man +she will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor. +He would please me a great deal better. They were all so awfully smart! +Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the +officers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I mean. +Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in the Sixth who +looks quite old, as if she might be 24, and “our” lieutenant offered her +a rose too. And then she said: “No thank you, I am not one of the +staff, I’m in the Sixth.” Everyone burst out laughing, and she was quite +abashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And +the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: “Tschapperl, you might just as well +have taken it.” But really she was quite right to refuse. I think there +must have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenant +that she was a colonel’s daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see him +again. + +I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterday +that when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to +the Frau Direktorin: “Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue, +see what eyes she’s making.” Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes, +besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did not +shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and then +everyone would have laughed. And I don’t like being laughed at. I hardly +saw Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said very +cuttingly: “Of course not, for after all we _are_ in mourning, even if +we did wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort of +thing does not matter.” _That sort of thing_, as if I had done something +dreadful! I don’t love Mother any the less, and I don’t forget her. +Father was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said: +“So my little witch has made a conquest; you’re beginning early. But +it’s no good taking up with an officer, little witch, they’re too +expensive.” But I would like to have the lieutenant, I would go up +with him in an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In the +religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. came in he laughed like +anything and said: “Hullo, Lainer, is the world still spinning round +you? The Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since.” So I suppose +he knows him. Still, I’m quite sure that he has not lost his sleep on my +account, though very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name is, +perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would suit him admirably! + +June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marina +and that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the row +that time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don’t think +Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora +are not particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, the +father does not care much for the mother’s brothers and sisters and vice +versa. I wonder why? I wonder whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he +has, and what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hair +or fair hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marina +and I were _very_ standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited because +she goes to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent! +The High School is much more important, for from the High School one +goes on to the university, but not from the Training College; and they +don’t learn English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. Aunt +Alma knows that it annoys Father when anyone says we don’t look well, so +she said: “Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it’s nearly +over, and she won’t get much out of it after all, it’s really better for +a girl to become a teacher.” Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me: +“Do you dare me to spit on the carpet?” “You are ill-bred enough to do +it; I can’t think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not give +you a good smacking,” said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: “What’s the +matter children? What game are you playing?” “It’s not a game at all; +Erwin wants to spit on the carpet and he seems to think that would be +all right.” Then Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled +a long nose at me behind Father’s back, but I simply ignored it; little +pig, and yet he’s my cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just as +impudent as Bub. But we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as +an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all; +there’s a provincial look about her and she can’t shake it off. Her +clothes are too long and she has not got a trace of b--, although she +was 17 last September; she is disgustingly thin. + +June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to-day, in French this time. +Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and at +the beginning of the lesson she said: “Girls, the Inspector is coming +to-day; pull yourselves together; please don’t leave me in the lurch.” + So it must be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come to +inspect the teachers and not the pupils. “At the inspection,” Oswald +often says, “every pupil has the professor in his hands.” Being +first, of course I was called upon, and I simply could not think what +“trotteur” meant. I would not say “Trottel” [idiot], and so I said +nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned round and whispered it to me, but +of course I was not going to say it after her, but remained speechless +as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: “Translate the sentence +right to the end, and then you’ll grasp its meaning.” But I can’t see +the sense of that; for if I don’t know one of the words the sentence has +no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to have. If Hella had +not been absent to-day because of -- --, she might have been able to +whisper it to me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, saying +that no one could ever trust anyone, and that I really did not deserve +a One. “And the stupidest thing of all was that you laughed when you did +not know a simple word like that.” Of course I could not tell her that +my first thought had been to translate it “Trottel.” Unseen translation +is really too difficult for us. + +June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I’m on tenter hooks to know +whether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report. +That would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her father +has just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and by +the time he is back the holidays will have begun and no one will be +bothering about reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother, +to-morrow is a holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days +I shall have “to linger in suspense,” but a different sort of suspense +from what Goethe wrote about. + +June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because of +Dora’s matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an +aunt, who is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them. +In the evening we went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there was +nothing on. By the way, I have not written anything yet about the +“innocent child” at the outing. On the boat she began fussing round +Hella and me and wanted to push into the conversation, indirectly of +course! But she did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in such +matters; she simply seemed to look through her Really I’m a little sorry +for her, for she hasn’t any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella +said: “Haven’t you had enough of it yet? Do you want to be cooked once +more with the same sauce?” And when Hella’s hat fell into the water and +we were still looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden +we found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a fine lace shawl +which she had brought with her for the evening because she so readily +gets earache. “Wouldn’t you like to use this shawl, so that you +won’t have to go back to Vienna without a hat?” “Please don’t trouble +yourself, I’m quite used to going about bare-headed.” But the _way_ she +said it, like a queen! I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter +than I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. I +told her as much, and she rejoined: “Darling Rita, you can’t _learn_ a +thing like that; it’s _inborn_.” She rather annoyed me, for she always +seems to think that an officer’s daughter is a thing apart. + +July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a public +scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke to me in the corridor, saying: “Lainer, +you’ve had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised on +your behalf, I really don’t know -- -- --.” Then I said: “I’m quite +certain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct +Mark.” And I kissed her hand. “Get along, you little baggage, for +the one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full of +thoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with.” + +After all, one can’t help one’s _thoughts_, and we shall be more careful +in future as to the persons to whom we talk about _that sort of thing_. +Here’s another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got +back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at the +station; Father was there too, and so was the “innocent child’s” mother. +Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the train +there was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sort +ourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella’s voice: “No, +Madam, your child is not in our bad company.” I turned round sharply, +and there was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had just +asked her: “Hullo, _you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?” The +answer was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; I +always think of good repartees after the event. It was just the same +that time when the old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was +alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess, +or an impudent Jewess! It was too absurd, for first of all it’s not +impudent to make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow +because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella finished up by +saying to him: “No, you’ve made a mistake, you are not speaking to one +of your own sort.” + +We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora’s matriculation we are +staying here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, +and this year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hella +had a splendid time there last year. + +July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., no, I can’t write it plain +out. In the middle of the Physics lesson, during revision, when I was +not thinking of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in with a paper +to be signed. As we all stood up I thought to myself: Hullo, what’s +that? And then it suddenly occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella +asked me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, if I’d +had some sweets with me. I did not want to tell her the real reason +directly, and so I said: “Oh no, I had nearly fallen asleep from +boredom, and when Fraulein N. came in it gave me a start.” On the way +home I was very silent, and I walked so slowly (for of course one must +not walk fast _when_ . . . ) that Hella said: “Look here, what’s up +to-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have you fallen in love +without my knowing it, or is it _at long last_ . . . .?” Then I said +“_Or is it at long last!_” And she said: “Ah, then now we’re equals once +more,” and there in the middle of the street she gave me a kiss. Just +at that moment two students went by and one of them said: “Give me one +too.” And Hella said: “Yes, I’ll give you one on the cheek which will +burn.” So they hurried away. We really had no use for them: to-day!! +Hella wanted me to tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn’t +anything to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn’t_ tell. It is +really very unpleasant, and this evening I shall have to take frightful +care because of Dora. But I must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--. +It will be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella’s case, first +of all because she had such frightful cramps before it began so that her +mother knew all about it without being told, and secondly because it was +her _mother_. I certainly shan’t tell Dora whatever happens, for that +would make me feel still more ashamed. As for a San-- T--, I shall never +be able to buy one for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be +awful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether men really do know; +I suppose they must know about their wives, but at any rate they can’t +know anything about their daughters. + +July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I switched off the light +_before_ I undressed, and then Dora snapped at me: “What on earth are +you up to, switch it on again directly.” “No I won’t.” Then she came +over and wanted to switch it on herself; “Oh do please wait until I’ve +got into bed.” “O-o-h, is that it,” said Dora, “why didn’t you say so +before? I’ve always hidden my things from you, and you haven’t got any +yet.” And then we talked for quite a long time, and she told me that +Mother had commissioned her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Mother +had told her all about it, but she said it was better for one girl to +tell it to another, because that was least awkward. Mother knew too +that in January Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It was midnight +before we switched off the light. + +July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went to get our reports to-day +and said good-bye to Frau Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at +the end she said: “I hope that you won’t give too much trouble to my +successor.” At first we did not understand, for we thought she only +meant that it is always uncertain whether the same member of the staff +will keep the same class from year to year, but then she said: “I am +leaving the school because I am going to be married.” It gave me such a +pang, and I said: “Oh, is it true?” “Yes, Lainer, it’s quite true.” And +all the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss her hand. No one +spoke for a moment, and then Hella said: “Frau Doktor, may I ask you +something? But you mustn’t be angry!” “All right, ask away!” “Is it the +captain we met in Carnuntum?” She was quite puzzled for a minute, and +then she laughed like anything and said, “No, Bruckner, it is not he, +for he has a wife already.” And Gilly, who is not so frightfully fond of +her as Hella and I are, said: “Frau Doktor, please tell us whom you +are going to marry.” “There’s no secret about it, I am going to marry a +professor in Heidelberg.” That is why she has to leave the High School. +It’s simply ruined my holidays. Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls +would not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to walk home with +her. Then she said: “My darling girls, that’s impossible, for I am going +to Purkersdorf to see my parents.” And then Hella had her splendid +idea. The others said: “Please may we come with you as far as the +metropolitan?” and at length she said they might. But Hella said, “Come +along,” and we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and took +tickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able to get back in plenty of +time, and there we were waiting on the platform when she came and when +all the girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then we rushed up +to her and got into the train which came in at that moment. Of course we +had second class tickets, for Hella, being an officer’s daughter, mayn’t +travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always travels second too. And we all +three sat together on a seat for two, though it was frightfully hot. +She was so nice to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and she +promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to Hutteldorf. “Now, girls, +you must get out.” Then we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_ +Never shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly ride! As long +as the train was still in sight we both waved our handkerchiefs to her +and she _waved back!_ When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella looked +everywhere for her purse and could not find it; she must have left it in +the ticket office. Luckily I still had all my July pocket money and so I +was able to pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was the +sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and had only passed +out through the second, so we had not to pay so much; and no one knew +anything about it, there’s no harm in that sort of cheating. Of course +we really did go back third, although Hella said it would spoil the +memory for her. That sort of thing does not matter to me. We did not +get home until a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendous +scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the library for Frau +Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the High School at 12, and there had +been no one there. We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone +part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was leaving because of +her marriage. Then Dora was quite astonished and said: “Ah, now I +understand.” The other day when she had to go into the room while the +staff meeting was on, the staff was talking about an engagement, and +Fraulein Thim was saying: “Not everyone has the luck to get a university +professor.” That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim won’t get +one, not even a school porter. To-day, (I’ve been writing this up for +two days), I had such a delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo, +simply heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking than the +reality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly beautiful, with her +lovely eyes and her spiritual expression! Of course she has sent Hella +a photo too. We are going to have pocket leather cases made for the +photographs, so that we can take them with us wherever we go. But we +shall have to wait until after the holidays because Hella has lost her +money, and nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares. +And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father has some untearable +transparent envelopes, and I shall ask him for two of them. They will do +as a makeshift. + +Dora’s matriculation is to-morrow, she’s quite nervous about it although +she is very well up in all the subjects. But she says it’s so easy to +make mistakes. But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he was +very much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear Mother was frightfully +anxious: “Pooh,” said Oswald, “I shall soon show them that there’s no +need to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that’s the whole +secret!” And then all he telegraphed was “durch” [through] and +poor Mother was still very anxious, and thought that it might mean +_durchgefallen_ [failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_ +[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had come. And father had +brought two bottles of champagne to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald’s +return. There won’t be anything of the sort after Dora’s matriculation +because Mother is not with us any more; oh it does make me so miserable +when I think that 2 1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --. + +July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having her exam (she passed with +Distinction), I went to the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was +going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I told Hella I was going +with Aunt, and so I took the tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to +the cemetery. People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. There +was no one in the place but me. I did not dare to stay long, for I +was afraid I should be home late. It’s a frightfully long way to +Potzleinsdorf, and it always seems so much further when one is alone. +And when I came away from the cemetery I took a wrong turning and found +myself in a quite deserted street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of +thing is very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no one of +whom I could ask the way. Then by good luck an old lady came along, and +she told me I had only to take the next turning to get back to the tram +line. And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came along, so +I got in and reached home long before Dora. But in the afternoon Hella +nearly gave me away, quite unintentionally. But since they were all +talking about the matriculation I was able to smooth it over. Now that +Dora has finished her matriculation she will have to tell me a great +deal more about _certain things_; she promised she would. Before the +matriculation she was always so tired because of the frightful grind, +but that is over now, and I never do any work in the holidays. What +are holidays for? Frau Doktor Dunker has really given me only a +Satisfactory, it’s awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn from +_her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce me to bother myself +about French now, for she has a down on me, and when one’s teacher has a +down on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it’s no good. It was +so different with Frau Doktor M.!! I have just been looking at her photo +so long that my eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up about +to-day: even when one had been stupid once or twice, she never cast it +up against one, never, never, never -- -- the sweet angel! + +July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am so glad. It is frightfully +dull to-day, for Hella went away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she +is to stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going to Salzburg and +perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see +one another again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I can’t go +to K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay in F. till the middle of +September. I got my name day presents to-day because they are things for +the journey: a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, and +half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow black border, and +an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge bag of sweets for the journey from +Hella. The world is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall +marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: “The most ardent +_girl_ friendships are always broken up when one of the two marries.” I +suppose because the other one is annoyed because she has not married. +I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.’s wedding! and I wonder +whether she knows about _everything_; very likely not, but if not I +suppose her mother will tell her all about it before she is married. +Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said to her: “A girl always +gets all sorts of false ideas into her head; the reality is quite +different.” But that is not so in our case, for we really know +everything quite precisely, even to the fact that you have to take off +every stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget it!--Oswald is coming to F. +on the 20th, for first he is going to Munich for a few days. + +July 12th. It’s lovely here; mountains and mountains all round, and +we’re going to climb them all; oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply +can’t keep a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must write to +Hella at least every other day. We are staying in the Edelweiss boarding +house; there are about 40 visitors, at least that’s what we counted at +dinner. There is a visitors’ list hanging up in the hall, and I must +study it thoroughly. The journey was rather dull, for Dora had a +frightful headache so we could not talk all through the night. I stood +in the corridor half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was a +frightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose no one knew +anything about it. The boarding house is beautifully furnished, carpets +everywhere; there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We are +awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 courses at dinner and two +at supper. Flowers on every table. Father says we must wait and see +whether they change them often enough. Father has a new tweed suit which +becomes him splendidly for he is so tall and aristocratic looking. We +have coats and skirts made of thin black cotton material and black lace +blouses, and we also have white coats and skirts and white blouses, +and light grey tweed dresses as well. For Father is really quite right: +“Mourning is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_.” Still, for the +present, we shall wear black, but we have the white things in case it +gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a cliff quite near the house, we picked +a great nosegay of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother’s photo with +her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily I forgot to bring +mine. I should like to go to the top of the Wildeck or one of the other +mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss for oneself. But Father +says that mountaineering is not suited to our ages. The baths here +always seem very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein +said we should only bathe when the water is quite warm. But apparently +that won’t be often. We have not made any acquaintances yet, but I like +the look of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second table +from ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. One plan has come to +nothing. I wanted to talk to Dora in the evenings about all sorts of +_important_ things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares our +room. Here’s another tiresome thing; Father’s room has a lovely veranda +looking on to the promenade, while our room only looks into the garden. +Of course the view is lovely, but I should have liked Father’s room much +better, only it is a great deal too small for three persons; there is +only one bed and its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate +that sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding house calls it +_Empire!!_ I don’t suppose she can ever have seen a room furnished in +real Empire style. + +July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk yesterday she told me +a great deal about Aunt Dora. I never really knew before whether Uncle +Richard was employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient there; +but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and is quite off his head +and often has attacks of raving madness. Once before he was sent to the +asylum he tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ he did +her a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don’t quite understand how, for Aunt +Dora has never had any children. And why on earth do they make such a +secret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to think of it, no one ever +wanted to talk about Mother’s illness. There’s no sense in this secrecy, +for in the first place that always makes one think about things, and +secondly one always finds out in the long run. At last Aunt Dora was so +terribly afraid of Uncle that she always kept the door of her bedroom +locked. It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging maniac. +Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora is enough to drive one mad with +her whims and fancies. Of course he didn’t mean that literally, but I +must watch carefully to find out what Aunt really does to annoy anyone +so much. Most likely it is something connected with _this matter_. To my +mind Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and yet Uncle Franz has +never gone raving mad. Dora says that Uncle Richard may go on living +for another 20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt Dora +because she is tied to such a monster. Why tied? After all, he is in +an asylum and can’t do her any harm. Dora didn’t know about all this +before, Aunt only told her after Mother’s death. Dora thinks it is +better not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in love_ with a man. +And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ In that case _that_ would be +excluded. But I always imagined a marriage contract was made because +of a dowry and money affairs generally; and never thought of its having +_such_ a purpose. Frau Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two +years ago, had married under such conditions. But it puzzles me, for if +_that_ is what men chiefly want when they marry, I don’t see how any +man can be satisfied with a marriage contract. There must be a mistake +somewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, for the Mayers were +Jews. + +July 21st. No, I never should have thought that Hella would prove +to have been right in that matter. I got a letter 8 pages long from +Anneliese to-day. That time when Hella had to stay at home for five days +she believed that Anneliese would make fresh advances. But obviously she +was afraid. So now she has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the +only friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and everybody likes +me, and only you have turned away from me in anger. What harm did I do +you -- -- --? After all, she did do me some harm; for there might have +been a fine row if it had not been for Frau Doktor M., that angel in +human form! She writes she is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with her +mother at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I forget which, I +must look it up _if_ I answer her. For I gave my word of honour to Hella +that I would never forgive the “innocent child.” But after all, to +write an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from meaning +a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. She says that there are +absolutely no girls in Gratsch, only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen, +the youngest is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull myself. +So I really will write to her, but I shall be exceedingly reserved. She +finishes up with: Listen to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do not +harden your heart against one who has always loved you truly. That is +really very fine, and Anneliese always wrote the best compositions; Frau +Doktor M. used often to praise them and to speak of her excellent style, +but later she really did not like her at all. She often told her she +ought not to be so affected, or she would lose the power of expression +from sheer affectation. I shall not write to her immediately, but only +after a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve. + +July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their names are Olga and +Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; I don’t know their surname yet, but +only that they have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their +mother’s hair is quite grey already, their father is not coming +until August 8th. We have arranged to go for a walk at 4 o’clock this +afternoon, to Brennfelden. + +July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every day before dinner, +for after dinner we all go with our hammocks into the wood. After all +I wrote to Anneliese three days ago, without waiting, so as not to +keep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything to Hella about it +because I don’t know how Anneliese will answer. Hella says she is having +a royal time in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just +what she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 sides including the +signature so of course I did not write to her as much as usual. + +July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the Weiners; she thinks they +are frightfully stuck up. She says it’s not the proper thing to wear +gold bracelets and chains in the country, above all with peasant +costume. Of course she is right, but still I like the two girls very +much, and especially Olga, the younger one; Nelly puts on such airs; +they go to a high school too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has +only just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. Dora says +they will never set the Danube on fire. No matter, leave it to others to +do that. We enjoyed ourselves immensely on our walk. I’m going to spend +the whole day with them to-day. Father says: “Don’t see too much of +them; you’ll only get tired of them too soon.” I don’t believe that will +happen with the Weiners. + +July 29th. It’s my birthday to-morrow. I wonder what my presents will +be. I’ve already had one of them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of +openwork stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely fine, and my +feet look so elegant in them. But I must take frightful care of them and +not wear them too often. Aunt says: “Perhaps now you will learn to give +up pulling at your stockings when you are doing your lessons.” As if I +would do any lessons in the holidays. + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + + +July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! birthday; Olga thought that +I was 16 or at least 15; but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is +_quite_ agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for after +all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at most. But as to feeling +different, as Hella said she did, I really can’t notice anything of the +kind; I am merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now call me +a _child_. I do detest the word “child,” except when Mother used to say: +“My darling child,” but then it meant something quite different. I like +Mother’s ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall wear it for +always and always. When I was going to cry, Father said so sweetly: +“Don’t cry, Gretel, you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that would +be a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_” Besides the ring, Father gave me +a lovely black pearl necklace which suits me perfectly, and is at the +same time so cool; then Theodor Storm’s _Immensee_, from Aunt Dora the +black openwork stockings and long black silk gloves, and from Dora a +dark grey leather wristband for my watch. But I shan’t wear that until +we are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. Grandfather and +Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but nothing has come from Oswald. He +can’t possibly have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later. +Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At dinner Aunt Dora had +ordered my favourite chocolate cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, +why have we got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came out that it +was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, who knew it already, told most of +the other guests and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy returns. +Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, and had given me a huge +nosegay of wild flowers and another of cut flowers. This afternoon we +are all going to Flagg; it is lovely there. + +Evening: I must write some more. We could not have the expedition, +because there was a frightful thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o’clock. But +we enjoyed ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: As I was +leaving the dining-room in order to go to the . . . ., I heard a voice +say: May I wish you a happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and +there behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, whom I +have been noticing for the last three days. “Thank you very much, it’s +awfully kind of you,” said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had to +go. But he began speaking again, and said: “I suppose that’s only a +joke about your being 14. Surely you are 16 to-day?” “I am both glad and +sorry to say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as old +as he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go to my room,” said I +hurriedly, and bolted, for otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did not +suspect the truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will make +her laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a view of +Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite sweets, filled with brandy. In +her letter she complains of the “shortness of my last letter.” I must +write her a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the first +time where “Balder” sits; that’s what I call him because of his lovely +golden hair, and because I don’t know his real name. He is with an old +gentleman and an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like his, but +she can’t possibly be his sister for she is much too old. + +July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, and the father is +a retired member of the Board of Mines. The young lady is really his +sister, and she is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found all +this out from the housemaid. But I went about it in a very cunning way, +I did not want to ask straight out, and so I said: Can you tell me +who that white-haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my +Grandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for Father’s Father has +been dead 12 or 15 years, and Mother’s Father does not live in Vienna +but in Berlin.) Then Luise answered: “Ah, Fraulein, I expect you mean +Herr Oberbergrat Sch., von Sch. But I expect Fraulein’s Grandfather is +not quite so grumpy.” I said: “Is he so frightfully grumpy then?” And +she answered: “I should think so; we must all jump at the word go or +it’s all up with us!” And then one word led to another, and she told +me all she knew; the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her +father won’t let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ has left home +because his father pestered him so. He is a student in Prague, and only +comes home for the holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet they +look perfectly happy except the daughter. By the way, it’s horrid for +the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly actually 15, and their mother is once +more -- -- -- -- I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both in +a frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: “It’s a perfect scandal;” + they find it so awkward going about with their mother. I can’t say I’d +noticed anything myself; but they say it has really been obvious for a +long time; “_the happy event!!_ will take place in October,” said Olga. +It really must be very disagreeable, and I took a dislike to Frau W. +from the first. I simply can’t understand how such a thing can happen +when people are so old. I’m awfully sorry for the two Weiner girls. +Something of the same sort must have happened in the case of the Schs., +for Luise has told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister not +32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 years older, appalling. +I’m awfully sorry for her because her father won’t let her marry, or +rather would not let her marry. I’m sure Father would never refuse if +either of us wanted to marry. I have written all this to Hella; I miss +her dreadfully, for after all the Weiner girls are only strangers, and I +could _never_ tell my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms +now. Oswald is coming to-morrow. + +August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. He comes and goes when he +likes and where he likes. A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, +saying he was not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, Watzmann, +glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father did not say much, but I fancy +he’s very much annoyed. Especially just now, after poor Mother’s death, +Oswald might just as well come home. Last year he was so long away +after matriculation, quite alone, and now it’s the same this year. One +pleasure after another like that is really not the thing when one’s +Mother has been dead only three months. The day after we came here and +before we had got to know anyone, I went out quite early, at half past +8, and went alone to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain +and some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in many cases one can’t +decipher the inscriptions; there was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat +on a little bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappiness, +and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my eyes lest anyone should +notice it. I was horribly annoyed to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, +she wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, to see if we +can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma always means by that very cheap, +but above all it must be in a private house; of course, for a boarding +house would be far too dear for them. I do hope we shan’t find +_anything_ suitable, we really did not find anything to-day, for a storm +was threatening and we did not go far. I do so hope we shall have no +better success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having Marina +here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt Dora and Dora are both very +much against their coming. But Father said: That won’t do girls, she’s +your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All right, we can _look +for them_; but seeking and finding are two very different things. + +August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look for the rooms, and +since Dora always makes a point of finding what’s wanted, she managed +to hunt up 2 rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. The +summer visitors who were staying there had to go back suddenly to Vienna +because their grandmother died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. +Dora wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all be delighted +to see them, which is a downright lie. However, I wrote a P.S. in which +I sent love to them all, and said that the journey was scandalously +expensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. Owing to this silly +running about looking for rooms I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday +afternoon or this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder either. +And at dinner we can’t see the Scharrers’ table because they have a +table in the bay window, for they have come here every year for the last +9 years. I’m absolutely tired out, but there’s something I must write. +This afternoon the Weiners and we went up to Kreindl’s, and Siegfried +Sch. came with us, for he knows the Weiners, who have been here every +year for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and that annoyed +me frightfully. So I said not a word, but walked well behind the others. +On the way home he came up to me and said: “I say, Fraulein Grete, are +you always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict the idea.” I said: +“It all depends on my mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any +one.” “Could you not change places at table with your mother?” “In the +first place, she is not my Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, +and in the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had better +say it to my sister!” “Don’t be jealous! There’s no reason for _that_. +I can’t help talking to your sister when we’re in company; but I can +assure you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous.” I wish +I knew how I could manage that change of places, but I always sit +next Father; anyhow I would not do it directly; next week at soonest. +Farewell, my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --. + +August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: “You heart of gold, so you are able +to forgive my sins of youth? The world shines with a new light since I +received your letter.” I don’t know that my letter was so forgiving as +all that, for all I said was that I was very sorry she was so lonely in +Gratsch, and that we could not alter the past, so we had better bury +it. She sends me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told one +another when our birthdays were), and she sends me a great pressed +forget-me-not. She waited to answer until it had been pressed. I don’t +know quite what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt give me +very good advice, but I can’t very well tell him the whole story, for +then I should have to tell him why we quarrelled, and that would be +awful. I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must write to-day, +for it will be quite three days before I can get an answer, and then +1 or two days more before Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5 +days at least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, for +Father won’t let us sit in the hall alone; I can’t think why. Generally +speaking Father’s awfully kind, quite different from other fathers, but +this is really disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa after +dinner and read _Immensee_, for I’ve not had a chance before. + +August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; Marina in a dust-grey +coat and skirt that fits her abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand; +Ferdinand is going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the +Neustadt military academy; he’s the most presentable of the lot. Uncle +was in a frightful temper, growling about the journey and about the +handbaggage, I think they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I +had to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of which she +said that it contained the accumulated rubbish of 10 years. Aunt Alma’s +appearance was enough to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so +high that one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a hat like a +scarecrow’s. When I think how awfully well dressed _Mother_ always was, +and how nice she always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 years +younger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived to be 80 she would +never have looked like _that_. Thank goodness, on the way from the +station we did not meet any one, and above all we did not meet _him_. +For once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding house. We +had two tables put together, and I seized the opportunity to change my +place, for I offered Aunt Alma the place next Father and seated myself +beside the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, Marina +looked quite nice at dinner, for her white blouse suits her very well, +and she has a lovely complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink in +the cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she does her hair is +hideous, parted and brushed quite smooth, with two pigtails. I’ve given +them up long ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. But +“snails” suit me a great deal better. _He_ looked across at me the whole +time, and Aunt Alma said: “Grete is blossoming out, I hope there’s not +a man in the case already.” “Oh no,” said Father, “country air does her +such a lot of good, and when I take the children away for a change I +don’t forbid any innocent pleasures.” My darling Father, I had to keep a +tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him then and there. They were +all so prim, with their eyes glued to their plates as if they had never +eaten rum pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at Marina, +but of course she noticed nothing. They soon put away their first helps, +and they all took a second, and then they went on talking. When we went +to our rooms I knocked at Father’s door and gave him the promised kiss +and said: “You really are a jewel of a Father.” “Well, will you, if you +please, be a jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina and +the others?” I said: “Oh dear, I simply can’t stand her, she’s such a +humbug!” “Oh well,” said Father, “it may be a pity, but you know one +can’t choose one’s parents and one’s relations.” “I would not have +chosen any different parents, for we could not have found another Father +and another Mother like you.” Then Father lifted me right up into the +air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: “You are a little +treasure,” and we kissed one another heartily. I really do like Father +better than anyone in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite +different, she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I like Aunt Dora +too, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him again. + +August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got a postcard from Hella, +with nothing on it but “Follow your own bent, with best wishes, your +M.” When we write postcards we always use a cipher which no one else can +understand, so that M. means H. It’s a good thing no one can understand +it. Of course I wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, +and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with nothing more than: +Have done so, with best wishes, W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder what +she will do. Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, +and what he said was lovely. But I can’t agree that all fathers _without +exception_ are tyrants. I said: “_My_ Father isn’t!” He rejoined: “Not +_yet_, but you will find out in time. However, anyone with a character +of his own won’t allow himself to be suppressed. I simply broke with my +Old Man and left home; there are other technical schools besides the one +in Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well just look at Hulda; +whenever anyone fell in love with her the Old Man marred her chance, for +no one can stand such tutelage.” “Tutelage, what do you mean,” said I, +but just at that moment everyone got up to go away. To-morrow perhaps, +poor persecuted man. + +August 9th. Oh dear, it’s horrible if it’s all really true what Hella +writes about being infected; an eruption all over the body, that is the +most horrible thing in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, +and since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, I must +_absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get hold of a fragment of +it. Above all now that Marina is here, for you never can tell -- -- --. +But I know what I’ll do; I’ll copy the letter here, even if it takes 2 +or 3 days. She writes: + +Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday’s postcard. If you +were angry, you must make it up with me. Consort with whom you please +and write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ be on your +own head. Father always says: Beware of red hair! And I insist that the +“innocent child” has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like. + +Now I’ve got something much more important to tell you. But you must +promise me dirst that you will tear up my letter directly you have read +it. Otherwise please send it back to me _un_read. + +Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married woman living with her +mother and her cousin, a girl who is studying medicine; they are Poles +and I have always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. The +young wife has got a divorce from her husband, for she was _infected_ by +him on the _wedding night_. Of course you remember what being _infected_ +is. But really it is something quite different from what we imagined. +Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption all over her body and her +face, and most likely all her hair will fall out; is it not frightful? +Her cousin, the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is there +to _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about it, she heard of it from +the housemaid where they have rooms. As you know, one can’t talk to +Lizzi about anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more; +but the other day, when I went to buy some picture postcards, I met the +three ladies. The young wife was wearing a very thick veil, so that one +could see nothing. They were sitting on a bench in the garden in front +of their house, and I bowed in passing, on the way back. They bowed, and +smiled in a friendly way. In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was +feeling very bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard some people +talking on the veranda just outside my window--the veranda runs all +round the house. At first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down +outside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish student directly, +and I heard her say to the wife of the mayor of J.: “Yes, my unfortunate +cousin’s experience has been a terrible one; that is because people sell +girls like merchandise, without asking them, and without their having +the least idea what they are in for.” I got up at once and sat down +close to the window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. +The mayor’s wife said: “Yes, it’s horrible what one has to go through +when one is married. _My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- --” + And then I could not understand what she went on to say I overheard +this conversation on Thursday. But that’s not all I have to tell you. Of +course my first thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; for +she spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we are both of us already +_very much enlightened_, still, as a medical student, she must know a +great deal more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And since she +said that girls ought not to be allowed to _run blindly into marriage_, +I thought she would probably tell me a little if I went cautiously to +work. There was a word which she and the mayor’s wife used more than +once, _segsual_ and I don’t know what it means, and I’m sure you +don’t know either, darling Rita. She said something about _segsual +intimacies_; of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one knows +it has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual mean? It must mean +something, since it is used with _intimacy_. Well, let me get on. On +Saturday there was a party, and the medical student came, and I left my +Alpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody picked it up and turned +over the pages, and the word went round that the person to whom it +belonged must sing something. At first I did not let on, but went out +for a moment, and then came back saying: “I’m looking for my music book, +I left it lying about somewhere.” There was a general shout, and everyone +said: “We’ve agreed that the person to whom that book belongs has got to +sing.” Now I knew that Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing on +such evenings before. So I said: “I shall be delighted to sing, provided +Fraulein K. will accompany me, For you gentlemen play too loud for my +voice.” Great laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were introduced, +and I thought to myself: You will soon improve the acquaintance. On +Sunday for once in a way I got up quite early, at half past 6, for +Fraulein K. can only go out walking early in the morning since she +spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near the Luisenquelle, +so I went there with a book, and as soon as she came I jumped up, said +“good-morning,” and went on: “I’m afraid I’ve taken possession of _your_ +bench.” “Not at all,” she said, “Do you study on Sundays?” “Oh no, this +is only light reading,” I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book, +for in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck was with me. She +sat down beside me and said: “What is it you are reading that you hide +so anxiously? I suppose it’s something that your mother must not know +about.” “Oh no,” said I, “we have not brought any such books to the +country with us.” “I take it that means that you do manage to get them +when you are in town?” “Goodness me, one must try and learn a little +about _life_; and since no one will ever tell one anything, one looks +about for oneself to see if one can find anything in a book.” “In the +encyclopedia, I suppose?” “No, that’s no good, for one can’t always find +the truth there.” She burst out laughing and said: “What sort of truth +do you want?” “I think you can imagine very well what sort of things I +want to know.” Of course one can speak more plainly to a medical student +than one can to other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted or +angry but said: “Yes, it’s the same struggle everywhere.” Then I made use +of your favourite phrase and said: “Struggle, what do you mean? What I +really want to know about is being infected.” Then she flushed up and +said: “Who’s been talking to you about that? It seems to me that the +whole town is chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see that _I_ +can’t tell you that.” But I answered: “If you don’t, who will? _You_ +study medicine, and are seeing and talking about such things all day.” + “No, no, my dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made me), you +are still much too young for _that sort of thing_.” What do you think +of that, we are too young at 14 1/2, it’s utterly absurd. I expect that +really her studies have not gone very far, and she would not admit it. +Anyhow, I stood up, and said: “I must not disturb you any longer,” and +bowed and went away; but I thought to myself: “A fig for her and her +_studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_‘ll make!” What do you think +about it all? We shall still have to trust to the encyclopedia, and +after all a lot of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily we +know most things except the word segsual. Next winter I expect we shall +find it easier than we used to to get to the bookcase in your house. I +don’t bow to the silly idiot any more. + +But darling Rita, with regard to the “innocent child,” I don’t want to +influence you in any way, and I shan’t be angry with you for preferring +an _unworthy_ person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send you half +a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, H. P.S. I have been 4 days +writing this letter; tear it up, _whatever_ you do!!! + +Now that I have copied the letter, I really can’t see why Hella wants me +to tear it up. There’s nothing so very dreadful in it. But there is one +thing I shan’t be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up things +in the encyclopedia. I think I should always feel that Mother would +suddenly come in and stand behind us. No, I simply can’t do it. + +August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have been prevented writing +about _my own_ affairs, although they are far more important. Last +Wednesday the Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had +arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. Dora did not want +to go at first, but Father said that if it would give _us_ pleasure, +he would very much like to go with us, and Mother would be only too +delighted to see that we were enjoying something once more. And two days +before the excursion Dora finally decided that she would like to go; +I knew why at once; she thought that by that time all the places would +have been taken, and that we should have been told: Very sorry, no more +room. But luckily she had made a _great_ mistake. For the secretary +said: With pleasure; how many places shall I reserve? and so we said: +7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), Marina (very +unfortunately), and the two boys (no less unfortunately). “That will +need an extra conveyance,” replied the secretary, and we thought we +should make a family party. But it was not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman +whom I had seen once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous +amount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange gentlemen, +Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her son, who is not quite all there; +opposite was Hero Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the +stage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother (notwithstanding!!!), then +I, and afterwards Marina, Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. +I don’t know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 in the morning we +all met outside the school, for the schoolmaster acted as our guide. +I did not know before that he has two daughters and a son who has +matriculated this year. First of all they held a great review, and the +gentlemen fortified themselves with a nip and so did some of the ladies; +I did not, for I hate the way in which a liqueur burns one’s throat so +that every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make such faces when they +are drinking, that is why I never drink liqueur. I did not care much +about the drive out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had red +noses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to keep them red, for one +looks simply hideous when one’s lips are white or blue, I noticed +that in Dora when we were skating last winter. Father went only on our +account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so that Aunt Alma could go. Marina +wears “snails” now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Dora +gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can say for myself. +Only when we got out aid I notice that Siegfried’s sister, Fraulein +Hulda, had been sitting next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice, +and many, many years ago she must have been very pretty; she has such +soft brown eyes, and her hair is the same colour as her brother’s; but +he has glorious blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, as he +was when he was talking about his father. I should tremble before him +in his wrath. He is so tall that I only come up to his shoulder. Father +calls him the red tapeworm; but that’s really not fair. He is very broad +but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we stopped for breakfast, eating the +food we had brought with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster +hurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to walk. The two boys +made a party with other boys, and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, +and Marina, led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman’s wife from +Hildesheim, or whatever it was called, and with the schoolmaster’s wife. +It was _awfully_ dull at first, so that I began to be sorry that I +had begged Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles the +schoolmaster’s son and three bright young fellows came along and walked +with us. Then we had such fun that we could hardly walk for laughing, +and the elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was quite +unrestrained, I could never have believed that she could be so jolly. +One of the schoolmaster’s daughters fell down, and some one pulled her +out of the brook into which she had slid because she was laughing so +much. I really don’t know what time we got to Inner-Lahn, for we were +enjoying ourselves so much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and we +were all frantically hungry. We laughed without stopping, for we had all +sat down just as we had come in, although Aunt Alma did not want us to +at first. But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to show Hero +Siegfried that I could amuse myself very well without him, for he had +frozen on to the aspiring actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don’t +know which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were sitting all +mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, and Father said next day we +had spent a perfect fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happened +later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think Dora gave Marina 3 +crowns, so that she could buy some things too. But Dora never lets on +about anything of that sort. I must say I like her character better and +better; in those ways she is very like Mother. Well, our purchases were +all packed into two or three rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle in +Unter-Toifen on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, for +Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we started, and I still had +a lot of my August pocket money left, and now I’ve got only 40 hellers. +After we had had dinner and bought the things we lay about in the forest +or walked about in couples. I had curled myself up for a nap when some +one came up behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his hands +over my eyes and said: “The Mountain Spirit.” And I recognised _his_ +hands _instantly_, and said: “Hero Siegfried!” Then he laughed like +anything and sat down beside me and said: “You were enjoying yourself +so much this morning that you had not even a glance to spare for me.” + “Contrariwise (I’ve got that from Dora), I never foist myself on anyone, +and never _hang around anyone’s neck_.” Then he wanted to put his arm +round my waist (and probably, most probably, he would have kissed me), +but I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, for before the +gentlemen we pretend that we never call one another anything but Thea +and Rita. Father says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable +for Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but we keep to our +arrangement. Then he raised my hand to his lips and said: “Don’t call!” + But Dora came up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, who is +a doctor of law belonging to the District Court of Innsbruck, and Marina +and one of the young men, and I asked, “I say, when _are_ we going to +have tea?” “Just fancy, she is hungry again already,” they all said, +and laughed like anything. And Dora looked _frightfully_ happy. She was +wearing an edelweiss buttonhole which she had not been wearing before; +in the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. If possible he +is even taller than Hero Siegfried, for Dora is taller than I am and her +head only comes up to his ear. At 3 o’clock the last party came up to +the belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was lovely. But I must +say I can enjoy a fine view much better when I am alone, that is with +Father or quite a few persons; it is no good when there’s such a crowd; +each additional person seems to take something more away. In a lovely +place and at the cemetery one must be alone. For a beautiful view +usually makes one feel frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been +laughing so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. If I were +alone in Inner-Lahn I’m sure I should become melancholy, for it is so +gloriously beautiful there. + +At 4 o’clock, after tea, we started back, for the schoolmaster thought +the descent would not take more than two hours and a half, but we needed +more than three. For we were all very tired, and a great many of them +had sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had said before, that it would +be too much for Aunt; but she had to come with us to take care of +Marina, though Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner, +who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben but in Germany. One +does not really find out what a girl is like until one sees how she +behaves with a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about +_certain things_; as for the last, of course that’s impossible with +Marina _since the experience_ we had. But anyhow she is nicer than +one would have thought at first sight. It was lovely on the way home. +Driving back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. + +In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were three students from +Munich, they were awfully nice, and we sang all the songs we knew; +especially “Hoch vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust,” and “Forelle” + and “Wo mein Schatz ist,” were lovely, and the people in two different +breaks sang together. And then some of them sang some Alpine songs and +yodelled till the hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third +break were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one of them. Aunt +Alma had a frightful headache; it was utterly idiotic for her to come, +and we did not know yet what was still to happen. At every house from +which a girl had come there was a serenade. And next evening there was +to be a great raffle of the mementoes we had bought, but Father would +not let us go to that. + +August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don’t know what on earth to do, +so I am writing my diary. Besides, I have not written about the row yet. +The next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going out and said to +Father: Ernst, please let me have a word with you. Now we all know Aunt +Alma’s _let me have a word with you_. In plain language it means: I’m +going to make a scene. She began: “Ernst, you know I never like these +big parties with a lot of strangers, for no good can come of them. +Still, I made up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and chiefly +for the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody asked her to; and +Aunt Dora had to stay at home on her account.) Do you know what sort of +people were in our company? That impudent young student whom Gretel is +always running after (did you ever hear anything like it! I should like +to know when I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm round +_his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began the acquaintance +on my birthday) and that girl who’s training for the stage did not come +home after the excursion till the night was half over. God knows +where they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ when they got home. +(Naturally, for where could they have had a wash.) His father gave the +young blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl’s mother +takes her side. It would positively kill me to think of _my Marina doing +anything of the kind_.” Father was able to get a word in at last: “But +my dear Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as I know +these two people weren’t in our break, isn’t that so girls?” I was glad +that Father turned to _us_, and I said: “Siegfried Sch. and the girl +drove in the fourth break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme +chause where he drove and with whom he was driving.” (Of course that’s +not true, but I said it was because of Aunt.) “Such language and such +a tone to your own Father!” Directly she said that Father was in such a +passion as I have never seen him in before. “My dear Alma, I really must +beg you not to interfere with _my_ educational methods, any more than +I ever attempt to interfere in _your_ affairs.” Father said this quite +quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora told me afterwards +that I was quite white too, also from rage of course. Aunt Alma said: +“I don’t want to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right +Goodbye.” As soon as she had gone Dora and I rushed to Father and said: +“Please Father, don’t be so frightfully angry; there’s no reason why you +should.” And Father was awfully sweet and said: “I know quite well that +I can trust you; you are my Berta’s children.” And then I simply could +not contain myself, and I said: “No, Father, I really did flirt with +Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm round my waist; but I did not +let him kiss me, I give you my word I did not. And if you want me +to I’ll promise never to speak to him again.” And then Father said: +“Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time yet for such affairs, and +even if that _red-haired rascal_ plays the gallant with you, he is only +making himself a laughing-stock. And you don’t want that, do you, little +witch?” Then I threw my arms round Father and promised him _on my word +of honour_ that I would never speak to Siegfried again. For it really +distresses me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; and +that he should go out walking half the night with that girl; such +shamelessness! + +We were so much upset that we did not go for a walk, and of course did +not go to the raffle. But I’m frightfully sorry about those things I +paid 7 crowns for. I do hope he did not win any of them. + +August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this morning, as I was going +to breakfast, in the corridor I met S. (it’s a good thing that is the +initial both of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called him) +and he said: “Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. Why weren’t you at the +raffle? Hadn’t you any share?”--“Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for +it, but I had no fancy for the company I should meet.” -- -- Why, what +has taken you all of a sudden? They were the same people as at the +excursion! -- -- -- “Precisely for that reason,” said I, and passed on. +I think I gave him what for, for he simply must have understood. Father +is really quite right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one’s parents +to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a word against my +parents to anyone, although I’m often frightfully angry with them; of +course not about Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father; +I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For when we had that +trouble with Aunt Alma about Marina, I was really not in the least to +blame, but he scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so that I +can never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to some one whom I had +only just got to know, I would never say a word against anyone in our +family; though I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said much +against her even to Hella; at most that she was deceitful, and that +really used to be so, though she seldom is now. + +August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can’t bear the word filthy, +but it’s the only one that’s strong enough. Oswald is coming this +evening, at last. Thank goodness. S. has made several _advances_, but I +have _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who can go out walking +with him half the night. I really _should_ like to know where they +went. In the night, I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a +dislike to S. from the first because he -- -- -- -- -- it’s an absolute +lie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. It’s simply not true, on the contrary +he has such entrancingly cool hands, I’m sure I must know that better +than Dora. But I’ve known for a long time that whenever anyone pays +_me_ attention Dora is _unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, on +Sunday I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must answer it to-day. + +August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did not forget my birthday, but +he says that at that time he was stoney, in student’s slang that means +that he hadn’t any money, and then he could not find anything suitable, +but that he will repair the omission as soon as we get back to Vienna. +But I don’t know what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until +we all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few excursions _by +ourselves_. That is really the best way after all. I am not much with +the Weiners now, for we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But +Nelly is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our table +to-day, once about a book we had lent her, and once to arrange for a +walk. + +August 24th. It is really absurd that one’s own brother can think such +a lot of one; but if he does, I suppose he knows. Oswald said to +me to-day: “Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you are +developing.” I said: “I don’t want anyone to bite me,” and he said: “Nor +do I,” but I was awfully delighted, though he is only my brother. He +can’t stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; I think he’s +right, really. And I simply can’t understand Dr. P., that he can always +find something to talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to me +yet. Still, I don’t care. + +August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, and we had a lovely +view. The two boys came, for they had begged their father to let them; +but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. Oswald calls Aunt Alma +_Angular Pincushion_, but only when Father isn’t there, for after all +she is Father’s sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said +that my brother was staying only a few days more, and that this was a +“farewell excursion _en famille_.” They were rather hurt, but they have +made me very angry by the way in which they will go on talking about S. +in front of me, on purpose, saying that he is engaged or is going to +be engaged to the actress girl against his father’s will. What does +it matter to _me_? They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, +especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am so sad now at times +that I simply can’t understand how I could have enjoyed myself so much +on the big excursion. I’m always thinking of dear Mother, and I often +wear my black frock. It suits my mood better. + +August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to-morrow. At least the old +gentleman said to Father the day before yesterday: “Thank the Lord, we +shall soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more.” That is +what Hella’s grandmother used to say before they came back from the +country. And to-day I saw two great trunks standing in the passage just +outside Herr Scharrer’s room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman charming; +well, there’s no accounting for tastes. I don’t believe he’s ever +spoken to S., though he is a German Nationalist too, but of a different +section; Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that section +frightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged to the Sudmark. + +August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, the whole family has +gone. They came to bid us goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left +this morning by the 9 o’clock train to Innsbruck. And his hands are not +clammy, I paid particular attention to the point; it is pure imagination +on Dora’s part. He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That’s a +splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between Hella and me. + +September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because people are really +beginning to stare at their mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to +me she told me she hated having to travel with her mother and whenever +possible she would lag behind a little so that people should not know +they belonged together. + +September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! S. has come back, alone +of course. Everyone is indignant, for he has only come back because of +Fraulein A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him like anything. +This afternoon Frau Lunda said to Aunt Dora: “It’s simply scandalous, +and his parents certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even if +the girl’s mother does not know any better.” Then Oswald said: “Excuse +me, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is no longer a schoolboy who must cling to +his mother’s apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy of a +full-grown German.” I was so pleased that he gave a piece of his mind +to Frau L., for she is always glaring at one and is so frantically +inquisitive. And _tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. used it once +when he was speaking of his sister and why she had never married. Frau +L. was furious. She turned to Aunt Dora and said: “Young men naturally +take one another’s part, until they are fathers themselves and then they +hold other views.” + +September 8th. Thank goodness we are going home the day after to-morrow. +It really has been rather dull here, certainly I can’t join in the paean +Hella sang about the place last year; of course they were not staying in +the Edelweiss boarding house but in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. +It makes a lot of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, it +has just occurred to me. The young wife who had the eruption after +_infection_ can’t have been divorced, as Hella wrote me the week before +last; for her husband has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the +Theatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that actors really are all +_infected_; and Hella always says it is only officers! She takes rather +an exaggerated view. + +September 14th. We have been back in Vienna since the 11th, but I have +been absolutely unable to write, though there was plenty to write about. +For the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to fetch +some cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was Lieutenant R. Viktor, _the +Conqueror!!_ Of course he recognised me immediately, and was awfully +friendly, and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually after +Dora, but it is obvious that he is not in love with her any more. And +it was so funny that he should not know that Dora had matriculated this +year and so would not be going to the High School any more. I did not +tell him that she intends to go on with her studies, for it is not +absolutely settled yet. + +September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I am so glad; I greeted her +with: _Hail!_ but she said; “don’t be silly,” besides, it’s unsuitable +for an Austrian officer’s daughter!!! Still, we won’t quarrel about it +after 2 months’ separation, and _Servus_ is very smart too though not +so distinguished. She told me a tremendous lot more about that young +married woman; some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was _in +love_ with the husband. That would be awful, for then she would get +infected too; but Hella says she did not notice anything, though she +watched very closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang at two +of the musical evenings, but she did not see any sign of it. Lizzi +is _engaged_, but Hella could not write anything about it, for the +engagement is only being officially announced now that they are back in +Vienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in London, and she met +him there. He is madly in love with her. In August he was on leave, and +he came to B. to make an offer of marriage; that is why they stayed the +whole summer in B. instead of going to Hungary. Those were the _special +circumstances_, about which Hella said she could not write to me. I don +t see why she could not have told me _that_, I should have kept it to +myself; and after all, Lizzi is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been +surprised that she is engaged at last. They can’t have a great betrothal +party, for Baron G.’s father died in July. Hella is very much put out. +Lizzi says it does not matter a bit. + +September 18th. Lizzi’s betrothal cards arrived to-day. It must be +glorious to send out betrothal cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, +though she said when I asked her: “Why do you flush up so, surely +there’s no reason to be ashamed when anyone is _engaged!_” “Really, why +should you think I am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_.” But +one does not get so red as _that_ from surprise. + +September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, for _she_ has gone. +And what was the Third is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sit +in the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau Doktor St. as class +mistress, and she is to teach us mathematics and physics once more; +Frau Doktor F., whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to call +Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed to the German High School +in Lemberg. For the time being we are sitting in our old place, but +Hella says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another seat, for +the memory of the three years when we had Frau Doktor M. might make us +inattentive. That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, in +French I am sorry to say it’s still Frau Doktor Dunker, whose complexion +has not improved, and in English the head mistress. I am very pleased +with that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly I shall +be in her good books from the start because Dora was her favourite. Of +course I’m not learning Latin, for it would not interest me now that +Frau Doktor M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion teacher, for +Herr Professor K. has retired, since he was 60 already. + +September 21st. We have managed it. In the long interval, Hella said to +Frau Doktor St., who was in charge. “Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask +for something?” So she said: “What, in the very first week; well, what +is it?” We said we should like to move from the third bench towards the +window, for we found it very painful to go on sitting where we had sat +when Frau Doktor M., was there. At first she refused, but after a while +she said: “I’ll see what I can do, if you are really not happy where +you are.” From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, and as soon as Frau +Doktor Steiner had taken her place she said: “This arrangement of +your seats was only provisional. You had better sit more according to +height.” Then she rearranged us all, and Hella and I were moved to the +5th bench on the window side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our +places; in front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike Hammer +whose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. We are awfully +glad that we have got away from that hateful third bench where _she_ +used so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the desk. + +September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German professor, came to-day +for the first time. He is always clearing his throat and he wears gold +spectacles. Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don’t. I’m quite +sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German again. Yesterday the +new Religion master came for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella +being a Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill and his eyes +are always lowered though he has burning black eyes. Next time I shall +sit beside Hammer which will be company for us both. + +October 2nd. We had confession and communion to-day, and since the staff +will not allow us to choose our confessors, I had to go to Professor +Ruppy. I did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell me to speak +louder three times over. When I began about the sixth commandment he +covered his eyes with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask any +questions about that. The only one of the staff who used to allow us to +choose our confessors was Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow +it directly but when one ran quickly to another confessional box, she +pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof gives frightfully long +penances; all the girls who went to him took a tremendous time to get +through. I do hope he won’t be so strict over his examinations or I +shall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. October 3rd. Father +was so splendid to-day! Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked +her not long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau Riedl, whose +husband died almost exactly the same time as Mother, for Father is +guardian to her three children. She was here to-day with Willi, because +he has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked it over, and +she said that if Father married Frau R., she would leave home. In the +evening when we were at supper, I said: “If only Frau v. R. was not +so ugly. Father, don’t you think she’s perfectly hideous? And Father +laughed so lovingly and said: You need not be anxious, little witch, +I’m not going to inflict a stepmother on you.” I was so glad, and so was +Dora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora said: “I felt sure that +you would never break your oath to Mother,” and she burst out crying. +And Father said: “No, girls, I did not give any promise to your Mother, +she would never have asked anything of the kind. But with grown girls +like you it would never do to bring a stepmother into the house.” And +then I told Father that Dora would have gone away from home, and as +for me, I should certainly have been frightfully upset. For _if_ Father +really wanted _to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and so +would Dora. But Father said once more: “Don’t worry, I certainly shan’t +marry again.” And I said: “Not even Aunt Dora?” And he said: “Oh, as +for her -- --” And then he pulled himself up and said: “No, no, not even +Aunt Dora.” Dora has just told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely +I must know that Father is not particularly charmed by Aunt. And then +she blamed me for having told Father that she would leave home if he +were to marry again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrust +any secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least three quarters +of an hour, so it is already half past 11. Luckily to-morrow is a +holiday, because of the Emperor’s birthday. But I am so glad to know for +certain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R I could never get on +with a stepmother. + +October 9th. It’s horribly difficult in German this year. In composition +we are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straight +off and then _hand it in_. I simply can’t. Professor Fritsch is very +handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict. +His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. He +has got a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to be +a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectly +fascinated by him, but I’m not in the least. For I always think of Prof. +W. in the Second, and that’s enough for me. I’m not going to fall in +love with any more professors. In the Training College, where Marina is +now, in her fourth year one of the professors last year married a former +pupil. I would not do that at any price, marry a former professor, +who knows all one’s faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 years +older than the girl; and that’s perfectly horrible, one might as well +marry one’s father; he would be at least fond of her, and she would at +least know the way he likes to have everything done; but to marry one’s +former professor, what an extraordinary thing to do! + +October 15th. I’m frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse; +she says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation, +especially now that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That would +be awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she has +such pain; but she won’t. + +October 19th. In November, Hella’s father will be made a general and +will be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay here +with her grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go to +Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She is +frantically delighted. The good news has made her quite well again. +Everyone at school is very proud that there will be a general’s daughter +in our class. It’s true that there is a field-marshal’s daughter in the +Third, but he is retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over +a retired officer. + +October 22nd. We are so much excited that we’ve hardly any time to learn +our lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella’s mother several +of Geierstamm’s novels. The other day one of them was lying on the +table, and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it and +read the title _The Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finished +it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we are +reading it. It’s simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signe +whom he is so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried so +much that we could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whom +her father is everything; I can understand so well that she is always +anxious lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, although +she has a husband already. And when she dies, oh, it’s so horrible and +so beautiful that we read it over three times in succession. The other +day my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said I must be working +too hard; for she thinks that Hella and I are studying literature +together. Oh dear, lessons are an awful nuisance when one has _such_ +books to read. + +October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novel _The +Power of Woman_; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes +she’ll be able to get hold of some other book, but it’s not so easy to +do without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to her +friends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don’t want to +read _The Little Brother’s Book_, the title does not attract us; but +there’s a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, it must be splendid; we +_must_ get that whatever happens. + +October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella’s +grandmother will come and live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ is +going to C., and of course Hella’s mother too. Lizzi will stay, for she +is taking cooking lessons, since she is to be _married_ in Mid-Lent. + +October 31st. Hella’s parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, for +she did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she +is engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, +either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which. + +November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the German +lesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper places +for commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at all +in previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming at +Frau Doktor M., whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times +better than Professor F.’s. And on this very matter of punctuation Frau +Doktor M. took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples. +Besides, whether one has a good style or not does not depend upon +whether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, who +towards the end were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who +were Frau Doktor M.’s favourites, ought to write a composition without a +single comma, just to show him. That’s a splendid idea, and Hella and I +will do it like a shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too. + +November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ have at least two outings +every month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last school +year, when Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly have gone +every time. But this year, when she has left, we can’t enjoy it. Frau +Doktor St. is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go +somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi if +she likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganing +parties at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. + +December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but I +must write to-day! There’s been such a row in the German lesson!! We got +back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner, +Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing would +have been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas first +and then scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. noticed +anything we would say we had meant to go through them together before +the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had no +time. Now the silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going to +bring the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, it’s simply +_impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark. + +December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lesson +to-day. Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all the +knowledge which Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the +firm foundation of our further development in the higher classes. In the +English lesson she referred to the more restricted use of punctuation +marks in English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned to the +office. The whole school knew about the trouble and was astonished at +our courage, especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were +rather annoyed that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head +gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled piece +of impudence, and that we were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. Then +Hella said very modestly: “Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to +say a word in our defence?” Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch never +missed a chance of casting a slur upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain +words of course, but so that we could not fail to understand it, and +that was why we acted as we did. The head answered we must certainly be +mistaken, that no member of the staff could ever speak against another +in such a way we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we know +perfectly well how often the Nutling used to say in the Maths lesson: +“Don’t you know _that_? Surely you _must_ have been taught that.” The +emphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we were told +to do our best to make amends before the meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds +suggested that we should write the compositions over again, of course +with all the commas, and should place them on his desk to-morrow morning +before the German lesson; but all the rest of us were against this, for +we saw plainly that the head had changed colour when Hella said what +she did. We shall make the corrections and then we shall all begin new +copybooks. + +December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a word +has been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterday +the Prof. gave out the subject for the third piece of home work without +saying anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has saved +us all, for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did, +even I. Hella said: “My dear Rita, I’m not an officer’s daughter for +nothing;” if _I_ have not courage, who should have? The girls stare at us +in the interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the head +said to us: “I do hope that this business will not be spread all over +the school.” But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler’s +sister is in the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard about +it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our parents or something +would have happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I have +already dropped a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, is +no longer at the school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss. +It was only at first that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite right +when she said: “I’m sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in the +right_.” + +December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do our +Christmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned into +Tuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices trembled_. He +does look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And the +green facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat +quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as the +Upper Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throat +trouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that +-- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he kissed our hands, _mine as well +as Dora’s_, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. +Several times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. But when Dora +does not want a thing, you can do what you like and she won’t budge; +she’s as obstinate as a mule! She’s always been like that since she was +quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! That meant: Dora +won’t; little wretch! such a wilful little beast! + +December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on the +Anninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow +lay fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As we +were going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caught +her foot on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She +had to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so badly +that every one believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing. +Her grandmother was frightfully angry and said: “That comes of such +_unladylike_ amusements!” Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she had +been with us, but Father said: Hella’s grandmother is quite an old lady, +and in her day people had very different views in this respect. I should +say so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, all +the things she must not say and must not do, and all the things which +are unsuitable for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her +under a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be able +to see out, and _no one_ must be able to see _in_. (The last is the main +point.) + +December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas, +and not a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has proved +splendidly right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with every +member of the staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who is +a newcomer and did not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o’clock the +other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, and +says that the whole tone of the place is utterly different, she is so +glad to have done with the High School. She had heard of the affair +with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon our _strength of character_, +especially Hella of course. She says that the matter is common talk in +all the High Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl at +the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sister +is at the School of Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she is +annoyed that such an institution should still be called a school; it’s +not a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see how free they +all are. She is very pretty and has even more figure than she used +to have. She speaks very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that +everyone turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will be able to +invite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ I should never be able to +stand on a stage before a lot of strangers, I know I would never be able +to get a word out. + +December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday she +got such bad influenza and sore throat that she can’t go to Cracow. She +says she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has been +spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretched +influenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her +father will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on, +Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simply +don’t dare to think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says +too that it can’t be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder what +Father will say when he sees Mother’s portrait. I do hope the frame will +be ready to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able +to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with a +lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, and +he is madly in love with her. He knows that her father is a general, for +when her father went to kiss the Emperor’s hand he took Hella part of +the way with him in the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenant +then. So now he salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall and +looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that she +_invariably_ denies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tell +her, or if she notices anything I don’t deny it. What’s the sense of it +between friends? for example, the year before last she was certainly +in love with the young doctor in the hospital. And in September when +we came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant in the flying +corps, I made no secret of the fact that I was frantically in love with +him. But she did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, when +people don’t see one another for months and flirt with others between +whiles. That was aimed at Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it’s +really too absurd. + +December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M., at least she is Frau +Professor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas good +wishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wished +me a happy New Year, _she took the lead in this_; it was heavenly. I was +frightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to save +herself the trouble of writing again; I’m sure that’s not true. Dora +always says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, her +divine letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_ +photograph too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that was +all Hella had sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. as a +stepmother, that is, not quite well, but better than anyone else. She +wrote so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I should find this +Christmas less happy than usual. She is certainly right there. We can +none of us feel as if the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. +The only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way Father will +stare when he sees the portrait. But really in the first years after +such a loss one ought not to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels +one’s sadness more than ever. + +December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but I +must write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning at +about half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that +she must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open, +prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there was +a gentleman standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew +him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. Meanwhile +Dora had opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof of +deceitfulness: She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: “Ah, Dr. +Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word.” So it was plain that +he had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he was +coming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black silk apron with +the insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What a +humbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora came +in and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the time +he had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed +that there was such a person as me in the world Not until he was +actually leaving did he say: “Well; Fraulein, how are you?” “Oh well,” + said I, “I’m much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother’s +death.” Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how to +treat him _if_ he becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long way +off; for he lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dora +to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was so +enraged at this deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, or +whatever time it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in a +white blouse with a black bow, and had remained in her room till the +last minute so that I might not know what she was wearing. For I had +believed she would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so I +was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. At supper he talked all +the time to Dora, so I purposely talked to Oswald. Then he said that on +March 1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora was +not in the least astonished, so _she must have known all about it!_ But +now I remember quite well that in October the postman handed me a letter +for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was _corresponding with +him openly the whole time_, less than 6 months after Mother’s death. +It really is too bad! But when I was chattering about the country, she +kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh so frightfully. And +when my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it does make me laugh, two or +three years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora Inspe, +because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The bridal pair in spe! And +now she is in the same position. When he went away in the evening I was +trembling lest Father should invite him to the Christmas tree, but +thank goodness when Father asked: “What are you doing with yourself +to-morrow,” he answered: “To-morrow I am spending the day with my +sister’s family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way.” Thank +goodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for +visitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew +-- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of course I gave +up believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. There +are so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a newspaper +feuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle of +Love_. But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can see by +Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem alike in this +respect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi’s engagement. It is +true, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not at home; but +there was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it mean? +Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister +_everything_? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Oh +well, _I_ don’t care, I’m not going to let my Christmas Eve be disturbed +by a thing _like that_; if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all. +On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall tell Hella +that I want to come to her and her grandmother. After all, I am glad she +has stayed in Vienna. + +December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. We all three got +Mother’s picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms. +Dora sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and put +my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. Only +Oswald did not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so +glad that Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to cry +before strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure blouses, not lace +blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, and +she also gave me an anthology which I had asked for. Brahms’ Hungarian +Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last year because she said +they were too difficult for me; as if _that_ were any business of hers; +surely my music mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper +with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hair +ribbons and other trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother’s +portrait; of course we had not known that he was getting us life-size +portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph of the winter before +last we had quite a small likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a +painter, and who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. And we got +a lovely rococo frame to close up; when it is open it looks as if Mother +were looking out of the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitz +thought it _most original_. Dora considered it very awkward that he +would not take any money for it, but it made it possible for us to get a +much more elegant frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going +to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought with _our own_ money, +I wanted to send them for Christmas, but we don’t know anything about +cigars, and we did not want to tell anyone because one can never know +whether one won’t be betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional; +but that is not true, for when one betrays anything one has always +secretly intended to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the +tongue; but one really knows all the time. I can’t write down all the +extra things that Dora got, only one of them: At 7 o’clock just when +Father was lighting the candles on the tree, a commissionaire brought +some lovely roses with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath a +nosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. with a card, but she +would not let anyone read that. All she said was: “Dr. P. sends +everyone Christmas greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_ +Christmas,” but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, and Hella gave me +a bead bag, and I gave her a purse with the double eagle on it, for she +wanted a purse that would have a military look. I never knew anyone with +such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; certainly I think officers +look awfully smart; but surely it’s going too far when she feels that +other men practically don’t exist. The others have to learn a lot, for +example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, not to speak of students +at the College of Agriculture, for perhaps these last “hardly count” + (that’s the phrase Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn +a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will admit that, and +always begins to talk of the officers of the general staff; as if they +_all_ belonged to the general staff! We have often argued about it. +Still, I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of course one +who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise it’s no go; for Father +says the Bruckners have no private means. It’s true he always says that +of us too, but I don’t believe it; we are not so to say rich, but I +fancy we should both of us have enough money for an officer to be able +to marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_ +she is really going to marry Dr. P. + +27th. Well, I went to Hella’s yesterday and stayed till 9, and on +Christmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. were +not well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always get +a great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdays +and name days (of course Protestants don’t have these last), but we +don’t give one another such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had +been given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at the +dancing class which must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collar +and cuffs, which we had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, +then she had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of smaller things +which she never even looked at. And to see all the things her sister +got, things for her _trousseau!_ And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 +crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I think +that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and I said to Hella: “You must +be enormously rich.” And she said: “Oh well, not so rich as all that; I +must not expect to marry an officer on the general staff. Lizzi has done +very well for herself for Paul is a baron and is very well off. He is +frantically in love with her; queer taste, isn’t it?” I quite agree, for +Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, beautiful fair hair, +but she is so awfully thin, not a trace of b -- --, Hella has much more +figure. And if one hasn’t any by the time one is 20 one is not likely to +get one. + +Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: “I say, what’s +the Christian name of that Dr. who is dangling after your sister?” Then +it struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only has +Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when we +first made his acquaintance, Dora said, It’s a pity he’s called August, +the name does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quite +ill, for of course Hella began to sing: “O du lieber Augustin,” and +then I thought of Der dumme August [clown’s nickname in circus] and we +wondered what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darling +Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Then +we discussed what names we should like to have for our husbands, and I +said: Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn’t you like Siegfried? But I +put my hand on her mouth and said: “Shut up, or you will make me really +angry, _that_ is and must remain forgotten.” She said what she would +like best would be to have a husband called Peter or Thamian or +Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she would use Dami or Sosti; and then +she said quite seriously that she would only marry a man called Egon, or +Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that moment her mother came in to +call us to tea, and she said: “What’s an that about Alexander and Georg? +You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together for a couple +of minutes (I had come at half past 2 and the Brs. have tea at 4, +and that’s what Hella’s mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of +unsuitable things.” Hella was afraid her mother would think God knows +what, so she said: “Oh no, Mother, we were only discussing what names we +should like our fiances to have.” You ought to have seen how her mother +went on. “That’s just it, that when you are barely 15 (I’m not 15 yet) +you should have nothing but _such_ things in your heads!” _Such_ things, +how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was the other evening +at home; for the Herr Baron was there, that is, they all say Du to one +another now, for the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is +settled whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be transferred to +Berlin. It must be funny to say “Du” to a strange man. Hella says she +soon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings +Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he always gives +Hella a box for herself. _Other_ people would certainly not do that, and +I know _other_ people who wouldn’t accept it. When I got home, Father +said: Well, another time I think you’d better stay and sleep at the +Brs., and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy here. And Oswald said: +“What you need is a box on the ear,” Father was luckily out of the room +already and so I said: “_Your_ children, if you ever have any, can be +kept in order by boxing their ears till they are green and blue, but you +have no rights over your sisters, Father told you so in Fieberbrunn.” + “Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has done so from the +first.” “Please don’t draw me into your quarrels,” said Dora, as if she +had been something quite different from me. And then Aunt Dora said: “I +do wish you would not keep on quarreling.” “_I_ didn’t begin it,” said +I, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went to Father’s +room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, but I +_didn’t_ say goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I’m not going to put up +with _everything_. And now it’s half past 11 already, for I have been +writing such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I’m _very_ +unhappy. Even Hella doesn’t know how unhappy I am. I must go to bed +now; whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly +manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. + +31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and mother +returned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother she +was going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to the +Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round the +cemetery while I went to darling Mother’s grave. I am so unhappy; Hella +consoles me as much as she can, but even she can’t understand. + +January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New Year’s Eve yesterday, but +were quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought +Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets as a +New Year’s greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming here +on the evening of the 3rd. I can’t say I look forward to it. To-morrow +school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck; +Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through the +day in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year’s day at 2 +in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_ + +January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece of +_luck_ to-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls in +the hall, and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau +Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them, +she saw us directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She has +come to visit her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she did +not know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school she +had not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and +so entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau Doktor +Dunker came in I saw that _she_ was still standing outside. So I put my +handkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out +to her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms to +me. Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: “Of course I +understood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and look +after you.” Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: “You +are such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately.” But +of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged her +to let us stay with her, but she said: “No, no, I’ve been your teacher +here, and I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a better +idea. Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?” “Rather,” we both +exclaimed. She said she was staying in a hotel, but we must not come +alone to a hotel, so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, +and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we kissed both her +hands and were so happy! To-morrow at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and +nearly a whole day to wait. “If your parents allow you,” she said; as +if Father or even Hella’s grandmother would not allow _that!_ All Father +said was: “All right Gretel, but don’t go quite off your head first or +you won’t be able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy as +you are?” Of course, how can one be otherwise? + +January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it’s awful, Hella is coming to fetch me at +half past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and all +the other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, +what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we had +just time to make a memento for _her_, since she does not leave until +the evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silk +for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T., the new one of +course. Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. +I would rather have done something of that sort too, but I have no +patience for such work, so I often spoil it before I’ve finished. But +one can’t very well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan’t get the +tracing on the silk back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall +have to work all night and the whole day to-morrow. + +Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like to +take it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and I +shan’t get it until to-morrow morning early. So I’m able to write now: +It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house for +at least half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so +sweet to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply would not +have it_, and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts of +things, I don’t know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, and +then she drew me to her b -- --, no, I can’t write that about her; she +drew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ and went almost +crazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I’m sure +that’s all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has such +fascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ glistens so on her divine +ring finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenly +said: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when half +the class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks. +“Oh,” we said, “that is a frightful cram, it wasn’t _half_ the class, +but only 6 of us who have a special veneration for you.” Then we told +her how it all came about. She laughed a little, and said: “Well, girls, +you did not do me any particular _service_. It really was a great piece +of impertinence.” But I said: “Prof. Fritsch’s remarks were 10 times +more impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, and +what was worse to you.” Then she said: “My darling girls, that often +happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whether +justly or unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession.” Hella +said that the head mistress was not like that or there would have been a +frightful row, since the matter had become known in all the High Schools +of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: “Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really +a splendid woman.” Then there came something glorious, or really 2 +glorious things: (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than I +have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs in +the matter of sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this: +after we had been there some time, there was a knock at the door and in +came _her_ husband, the Herr Prof., and said: “How are you my treasure?” + and to us: “Goodday, young _ladies_.” Then she introduced us, saying: +“Two of my best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents.” Then the +Herr Prof. laughed a great deal and said: “That can’t be said of all +pupils.” So I said quickly: “Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, the +whole class would go through fire for her.” Then he went away, and she +said: “Excuse me for a moment,” and we could hear quite plainly that _he +kissed her_ in the next room, and then she said as she came in again: +“Oh well, be off with you, Karl, goodbye.” It’s a pity his name is Karl, +it’s so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alone +he calls her Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed, +it’s half past 11 already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, my +sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy. + +January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can’t go +tobogganing because Dora has a _chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the +4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up +at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o’clock we +took our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to give +them to her ourselves, we didn’t, but only gave them to the maid. She +said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: “No, thank you, we don’t want +to disturb Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh +no, it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know what _she_ +said: But my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not do +that on _my_ account!” Oh dear, I’m crying so that I can hardly write, +but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that’s glorious to put +down, things that I must never, never forget, even if it should take me +a week to write. The great thing is that I shall simply live upon this +memory, and the only thing I want in life is that I may see _her_ once +more. Of course we took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of the +valley with violets and tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She was +delighted, and went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought +in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair is grey, she is +charming; but she is not in the least like Frau Doktor M. When we said +goodbye she offered us still more sweets, but since we were both nearly +crying already we did not want to take any more, but she wrapped them +nearly all up for us, saying: “To console you in your sorrow.” From +anyone else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it was simply +lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and Hella gave me 9 of them and took +only 8 for herself. I shall eat only one every day, so that they will +last me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not so frightfully +in love as I am, and yesterday she said, in joke of course: “It seems to +me that your whole world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you’ll +be drowned.” And then she asked me how I could have been so stupid as to +use the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, although she hemmed to warn me. +She said it really was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. +blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her _husband_ came in, she +certainly did flush up like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lot +of _other things of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask her +whether she has given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof. +really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ like one. For lots of other +men wear black beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks +it is a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about such +things_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? Oh, it would be +horrible. Of course she may have entered into a _marriage_ contract, +that would have been the best way. However, Hella thinks that the +professor would not have agreed to anything of the kind. But surely if +he was frantically in love with her . . . + +January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We did +not say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invited +to see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us and +in the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut it +in two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given +by some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: “Doubly +sweetened, by chocolate and love.” “Yes,” said I, “but not in the sense +you imagine.” And since she said: “Oh, of course, I know all about that, +but I don’t want to be indiscreet,” Hella said: “I may as well tell you +that Frau Doktor M., or I should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer, +gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invited +us to go and see her.” Then they were all utterly kerblunxed and +said: “Great Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.’s +favourites, especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M.” + +January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her, +the glorious one! I’ve just been reading it over, and I see that I have +left a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we were +leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because as +I opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an old +gentleman came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we were +crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to us +and asked what was the matter. Then Hella said: “We have lost out best +friend.” Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously long +time and said: “I say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers of +Frau Doktor Mallburg? She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: +But you really can’t go through the streets bathed in tears like that. +Come upstairs again with me and my daughter will console you.” So we +really did go upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her father +opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your admirers simply can’t part +from you, and I found them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. +Then she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing-gown!!!_ exquisite. +And she led us into the room and said: “Girls, you must not look at me +in this old rag, which is only fit to throw away.” I should have liked +to say: “Give it to _me_ then.” But of course I could not. And when we +made our final goodbye, perhaps _for ever_, she kissed each of us _twice +over_ and said: Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world! + +January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. But +I’m not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. That +was not a _real_ love. I don’t care for anyone in the whole world except +her, my one and only! Even Hella can’t understand that, in fact she +thinks it _dotty_. Father wanted me to go to Hella’s _to change the +current of my thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ to +anyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed that +Father would be just like anyone else. It’s quite true that I’m getting +thin. I’m so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dora +has a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So I am going to the church in +Schwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhaps +I shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day before +yesterday. + +January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me _by return!_ This is the +second letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: “Hullo, +Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you with +such a sunny face for a long time.” So I answered in as few words as +possible: “After dinner I will tell _you_ why.” For the others need not +know anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof. +Th. had written to me, Father said: “Oh, is _that_ what has pleased you +so much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you. +February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and if +you and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make an +excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?” It would be glorious, +if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that the +sore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on the +Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As if _we_ could help +that. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already, +and one forgets a lot when one is that age. + +Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try a +little skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: “All right, +I’ll come, if you’ll promise not to be continually talking about Frau +Professor Th. I’m very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy about +her.” It’s really too bad, and I shall never mention _her_ name to +the others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at +Mariazell. We’ve never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah, +it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I’m +frantically excited. + + + +EDITOR’S NOTE + + +Rita’s joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening snow-clad +hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate was thrust into the +lives of the two sisters. On January 29th their father, suddenly struck +down with paralysis, was brought home in an ambulance, and died in a few +hours without recovering consciousness. + +Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, separated +from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had to struggle for +peace of soul in the isolation of a provincial town -- -- -- + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s A Young Girl’s Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY *** + +***** This file should be named 752-0.txt or 752-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/5/752/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/752-0.zip b/752-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c781b8a --- /dev/null +++ b/752-0.zip diff --git a/752-h.zip b/752-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6bdfc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/752-h.zip diff --git a/752-h/752-h.htm b/752-h/752-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..483de49 --- /dev/null +++ b/752-h/752-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8256 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + A Young Girl's Diary + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's A Young Girl's Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Young Girl's Diary + +Author: An Anonymous Young Girl + +Commentator: Prefaced by a letter by Sigmund Freud + +Translator: Eden and Cedar Paul + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #752] +Last Updated: November 6, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY + </h1> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> PREFACE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linklast"> LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> EDITOR’S NOTE </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + PREFACE + </h2> + <p> + THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging to the + upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, 1915, a + letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifies to the + permanent value of the document: + </p> + <p> + “This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been written + enabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belonging to + our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal development. + We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoism of childhood + to attain maturity; how the relationships to parents and other members of + the family first shape themselves, and how they gradually become more + serious and more intimate; how friendships are formed and broken. We are + shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards its first objects. Above all, + we are shown how the mystery of the sexual life first presses itself + vaguely on the attention, and then takes entire possession of the growing + intelligence, so that the child suffers under the load of secret knowledge + but gradually becomes enabled to shoulder the burden. Of all these things + we have a description at once so charming, so serious, and so artless, + that it cannot fail to be of supreme interest to educationists and + psychologists. + </p> + <p> + “It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students of my + own writings will be grateful to you.” + </p> + <p> + In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned down nothing, + has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The only alterations she + has made have been such as were essential to conceal the identity of the + writer and of other persons mentioned in the document. Consequently, + surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have been changed. These + modifications have enabled the original author of the diary to allow me to + place it at the free disposal of serious readers. + </p> + <p> + No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and other + inelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regarded as + the expression of a child’s incapacity for the control of language. Rather + must they be looked upon as manifestations of affective trends, as errors + in functioning brought about by the influence of the Unconscious. + </p> + <p> + THE EDITOR. VIENNA, <i>Autumn</i>, 1919. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE + </h2> + <p> + FIRST YEAR + </p> + <p> + July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed that + when we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dora + keeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene + “Hella,” and she calls me “Rita;” Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dora has + taken to calling herself “Thea,” but I go on calling her “Dora.” She says + that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep a diary. + She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than in hers and + Lizzi’s. + </p> + <p> + July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays, + but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shall know + what we have been doing in the holidays. + </p> + <p> + The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was very easy, + in dictation I made only 1 mistake—writing <i>ihn</i> without <i>h</i>. + The mistress said that didn’t matter, I had only made a slip. That is + quite true, for I know well enough that <i>ihn</i> has an <i>h</i> in it. + We were both dressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone + believed we were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to + have a cousin. But it’s still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell one + another everything. + </p> + <p> + July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I are + really sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then every day + before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in the class-room. + But we’re awfully pleased because of the other girls. One is more + important when one goes to the high school instead of only to the middle + school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. “They are bursting with + pride” (that’s what my sister says of me and Hella, but it is not true). + “Our two students” said the mistress when we came away. She told us to + write to her from the country. I shall. + </p> + <p> + July 15th. Lizzi, Hella’s sister, is not so horrid as Dora, she is always + so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least ten chocolate-creams. It’s + true Hella often says to me: “You don’t know her, what a beast she can be. + <i>Your</i> sister is generally very nice to me.” Certainly it is very + funny the way in which she always speaks of us as “the little ones” or + “the children,” as if she had never been a child herself, and indeed a + much littler one than we are. Besides we’re just the same as she is now. + She is in the fourth class and we are in the first. + </p> + <p> + To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I’m frightfully excited. + Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother + and Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. + </p> + <p> + July 19th. It’s awfully hard to write every day in the holidays. + Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in a big + house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight off for her + own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms of horrid + little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies and such + things. I’m not going to put up with being driven out of the front + veranda. I won’t have it. Besides, Father said: “Don’t quarrel, children!” + (<i>Children</i> to <i>her</i> too!!) He’s quite right. She puts on such + airs because she’ll be fourteen in October. “The verandas are common + property,” said Father. Father’s always so just. He never lets Dora lord + it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I’m writing to + Hella to-day. She’s not written to me yet. + </p> + <p> + July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. I + don’t know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here in + August or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather go + to stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: “We’ll see,” and + that means he’ll let me go. When Father and Mother say We’ll see it really + means Yes; but they won’t say “yes” so that if it does not come off one + can’t say that they haven’t kept their word. Father really lets me do + anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my piano regularly + perhaps she’ll let me go. I must go for a walk. + </p> + <p> + July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for one + must keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . . + </p> + <p> + July 23rd. It’s awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to write + the room had to be cleaned and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had not + written a <i>single</i> word and in the front veranda all my pages blew + away. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it’s better because then one + does not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another to + throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One can + tell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn’t. Yesterday when + I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, saying What do + you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted to bag the + front veranda all for herself. She’s too sickening. + </p> + <p> + Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Father was + awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It was jolly. I + threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She let out such a + yell and I said out loud You couldn’t feel it <i>there</i>. As she went by + she said Pig! It doesn’t matter, for I know she understood me and that + what I said was true. I should like to know what <i>she</i> writes about + every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother was out of + sorts and stayed at home. + </p> + <p> + July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: You children + have Sundays every day. That’s quite true in the holidays, but not at + other times. The peasants and their wives and children are all very gay, + wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in the theatre. We + are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made a great cherrystain + upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down upon some fallen + cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I must wear my pink + dress. All the better, for I don’t care to be dressed exactly the same as + Dora. I don’t see why everyone should know that we are sisters. Let people + think we are cousins. She does not like it either; I wish I knew why. + </p> + <p> + Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older than + Dora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds it + dull without me; so do I. + </p> + <p> + July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying at Achensee. + I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and then go for a walk. + But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. I forgot to bring my + paint-box and I’m not allowed to read all day. Mother says, if you gobble + all your books up now you’ll have nothing left to read. That’s quite true, + but I can’t even go and swing. + </p> + <p> + Afternoon. I must write some more. I’ve had a frightful row with Dora. She + says I’ve been fiddling with her things. It’s all because she’s so untidy. + As if <i>her</i> things could interest me. Yesterday she left her letter + to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He’s as handsome as + a Greek god. I don’t know who “he” was for she came in at that moment. + It’s probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastingly playing tennis + and carries on like anything. As for handsome—well, there’s no + accounting for tastes. + </p> + <p> + July 26th. It’s a good thing I brought my dolls’ portmanteau. Mother said: + You’ll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I’m much too old to + play with dolls, but even though I’m 11 I can make dolls’ clothes still. + One learns something while one is doing it, and when I’ve finished + something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and I was + tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo, the + child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she had never + played with dolls. Besides, I don’t really play with dolls any longer. + When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made a great + scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I’m so sorry, but you came too close. I + hope she’ll know why I really did it. Of course she’ll go and sneak to + Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She’s got a fine red + scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see. + </p> + <p> + July 27th. There’s such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries and + gooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite for + dinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why should it + be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likes anything + awfully much one is always scolded about it until one gets perfectly sick + of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother, and then her + mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children and they reward us + with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrifices they make. I think + it’s the children who make the sacrifices. When I want to eat gooseberries + and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is <i>mine</i> not <i>Mother’s</i>. + I’ve written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl has written to me. The + address on her letter to me was splendid, “Fraulein Grete Lainer, + Lyzealschulerin.” Of course Dora had to know better than anyone else, and + said that in the higher classes from the fourth upwards (because she is in + the fourth) they write “Lyzeistin.” She said: “Anyhow, in the holidays, + before a girl has attended the first class she’s not a Lyzealschulerin at + all.” Then Father chipped in, saying that <i>we</i> (<i>I</i> didn’t begin + it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; he really could not stand it. + He’s quite right, but what he said won’t do any good, for Dora will go on + just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote that she was <i>delighted</i> that I + had written. As soon as I have time she wants me to write to her again. + Great Scott, I’ve always time for <i>her</i>. I shall write to her again + this evening after supper, so as not to keep her waiting. + </p> + <p> + July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived, + and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it rained + all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round games and we + played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora. Robert is + already more than a head taller than we are, I mean than Liesel and me; I + think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carried my cloak which + Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me home after supper. + </p> + <p> + To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother has made + strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing. + </p> + <p> + July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasol with a + flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a huge postcard + album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gave me a + beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-cream cake for + dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thing in the + morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert had written on + his: With deepest <i>respect your faithful R</i>. It is glorious to have a + birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me a wooden + paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots out of its mouth + instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one can’t be quite + sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says I was born under a + lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top. + </p> + <p> + July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached over + Consequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the things we + did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed, hugged, + lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn’t do <i>that!</i> + quarrelled. That won’t happen, it’s quite impossible! Then we drank my + health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drink it in wine + but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble was this. She always + gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me and yesterday I was + certainly first fiddle. + </p> + <p> + Now I must write a word about to-day. We’ve had a splendid time. We were + in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wild + strawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the great + annoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I would rather + pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for one for <i>love</i> + (that’s what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have them picked for + one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them to Father and + some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in Flischberg I had to sit + beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother says she is <i>anemic</i>; + that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don’t quite know what it means. + Dora is always saying that she is anemic, but of course that is not true. + And Father always says “Don’t talk such stuff, you’re as fit as a fiddle.” + That puts her in such a wax. Last year Lizzi was really anemic, so the + doctor said, she was always having palpitation and had to take iron and + drink Burgundy. I think that’s where Dora got the idea. + </p> + <p> + August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told her + that I had spent the whole day with the W’s. Still, she is really my only + friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in the + country she has another friend too, but that doesn’t put me out. I can’t + understand why she doesn’t like Robert; she doesn’t know anything about + him except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good. Of + course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she met him + once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeing them once. + Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I was with the Warths + all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caught me and I had to + give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn’t count, for I had let myself + be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a perfect nuisance, she + spoils everyone’s pleasure. He’s quite right, but there’s some one else + just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Dora about the kiss. If she + has everyone will know and I shouldn’t like that. I lay in wait for Erna + with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robert and Liesel and I ate the + rest. They were so good and nearly all large ones. At first Robert wanted + to take quite a little one, but I said he must only have a big one. After + that he always picked out the big ones. When I came home in the evening + with the empty box Father laughed and said: There’s nothing mean about our + Gretel. Besides, Mother still has a great box full; I have no idea whether + Dora still has a lot, but I expect so. + </p> + <p> + August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He’s a great swell now; + he’s begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to the + hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awful bore, + but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his new tourist + getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love to all. I’ve + never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets and Oswald + grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is always smoking + cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we’ll go to the + inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. It seems to me + rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and I have a good + report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twos and Threes + and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, but I have + nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Father laughed + heartily and said something I could not understand. I don’t think it was + Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knows nearly all + languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn’t talk them unless he + wants to tease us. Like that time at the station when Dora and I were so + ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. When Robert pretends to + speak Czech it’s screamingly funny. + </p> + <p> + August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowed to + bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and he + tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positively yell. + To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular noodle. I + said, that’s not true, boys can never stand one another. Besides, it is + not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much better than Dora who + always says “the children” when she is talking of me and of Hella and even + of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a goose as Erna. He’s quite + right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke, that it is so vulgar, + that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about Father, I should like to + know? He says, too, that he will never grow a beard but will shave every + day and his wife will have to put everything straight to him. But a beard + suits Father and I can’t imagine him without a beard. I know I won’t marry + a man without a beard. + </p> + <p> + August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set off + yesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after + us: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. I + think it means in a hundred years. <i>She</i> can wait a hundred years if + she likes, we shan’t. Mother scolded her like anything and said she + mustn’t say such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we + always talk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean. + </p> + <p> + August 6th. Hella can’t come here, for she is going to Klausenburg with + her mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there or + whatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of a + district judge I think of District Judge T., such a hideous man. What a + nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into the + marriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I would + much sooner not marry at all, besides she’s awfully unhappy. + </p> + <p> + August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald told + Father that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not stand it. + Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn’t play tennis any more. What + upset her more than anything was that Father said in front of me: This + little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love to her. Her + eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn’t eat anything at supper + because she had such a <i>headache!!</i> We know all about her headaches. + But I really can’t see why I shouldn’t go and play tennis. + </p> + <p> + August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn’t the student’s fault at all but only + Dora’s. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on the Southern + Railway. Still, they won’t let me play tennis any more, though I begged + and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it would do no good + for Father was very angry and I mustn’t spend whole days with the Warths + any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was a whole day there. + When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner at least. What have I + got to do with Dora’s love affairs? It’s really too absurd. But grown-ups + are always like that. When one person has done anything the others have to + pay for it too. + </p> + <p> + August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged and + begged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induce her + to ask! That’s the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has been + playing the invalid lately, won’t bathe, and stays at home when she can + instead of going for walks. I should like to know what’s the matter with + her. What I can’t make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother, + she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother’s favourite, especially when Oswald + is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite of Oswald, but not + of Dora. Father always says that parents have no favourites, but treat all + their children alike. That’s true enough as far as Father is concerned, + although Dora declares that Father makes a favourite of me; but that’s + only her fancy. At Christmas and other times we always get the same sort + of presents, and that’s the real test. Rosa Plank always gets at least + three times as much as the rest of the family, that’s what it is to be a + favourite. + </p> + <p> + August 12th. I can’t write every day for I spend most of my time with the + Warths. Oswald can’t stand Robert, he says he is a cad and a greenhorn. + What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven’t spoken to Oswald except when + I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel about it, they said that + brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said, I should like to know + why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to his sisters. They said, Yes + before you, because he’s on his best behaviour with you. Yesterday we + laughed like anything when he told us what fun the boys make of their + masters. That story about the cigarette ends was screamingly funny. They + have a society called T. Au. M., that is in Latin Be Silent or Die in + initial letters. No one may betray the society’s secrets, and when they + make a new member he has to strip off all his clothes and lie down naked + and every one spits on his chest and rubs it and says: Be One of Us, but + all in Latin. Then he has to go to the eldest and biggest who gives him + two or three cuts with a cane and he has to swear that he will never + betray anyone. Then everyone smokes a cigar and touches him with the + lighted end on the arm or somewhere and says: Every act of treachery will + burn you like that. And then the eldest, who has a special name which I + can’t remember, tattoos on him the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, + and a heart with the name of a girl. Robert says that if he had known me + sooner he would have chosen “Gretchen.” I asked him what name he had + tattooed on him, but he said he was not allowed to tell. I shall tell + Oswald to look when they are bathing and to tell me. In this society they + abuse the masters frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to + play on them is elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction + and the others must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot + more which he couldn’t tell me because it’s too tremendous. Then I had to + swear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wanted me to + take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn’t do that and he nearly forced + me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and a kiss. I + didn’t mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing would + induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for we were + quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and tried to force + me to my knees. All that about the <i>society</i> he told me when we were + quite alone for he said: I can’t have your name tattooed on me because + it’s against our laws to have two names but now that you have sworn I can + let you know what I really am and think in secret. + </p> + <p> + I couldn’t sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society, + wondering whether there are such societies in the high school and whether + Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it would be + horrible to have to strip naked before all one’s schoolfellows. Perhaps in + the societies of the high-school girls that part is left out. But I + shouldn’t like to say for sure whether I’d have Robert’s name tattooed on + me. + </p> + <p> + August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboy + societies where they do very improper things, but that never happened in + their society. But he didn’t say what. I said, the stripping naked seems + to me awful; but he said, Oh, that’s nothing, that must happen if we’re to + trust one another, it’s all right as long as there’s nothing improper. I + wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows about it, and whether + he is in such a society or in a proper one and whether Father was in one. + If I could only find out. But I can’t ask, for if I did I should betray + Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left wrist without letting + anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to be silent. But he needn’t + do that really, for I never would betray him whatever happened. He said: + The pain is to bind you to me. When he says that his eyes grow dark, quite + black, although his eyes are really grey and they get very large. + Especially in the evening when we say goodbye, it frightens me. I’m always + dreaming of him. + </p> + <p> + August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the + emperor’s birthday. We didn’t get home until half past twelve. At first we + went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired salutes + from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops; it was + rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once or twice, + I don’t know whether I was afraid something would happen or why it was. + Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into the army. For + that he needn’t learn so much, and what he’s learning now is of no use to + him. He says that doesn’t matter, that knowledge will give him a great + pull. I don’t think he looks stupid, though Oswald says so to make me + angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the others and so we + sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once more about the other + societies, the ones in which they do such improper things. But he wouldn’t + tell me for he said he would not rob me of my innocence. I thought that + very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn’t know himself and it was all + put on. All that happened, he said, was that anyone who joined the society + was tickled until he couldn’t stand it any longer. And once one of them + got St. Vitus’s dance, that is frightful convulsions and they were afraid + that everything would come out. And since then in their society no more + tickling had been allowed. Shall I tickle you a little? I don’t understand + you, I said, and anyhow you daren’t. + </p> + <p> + He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under the + arm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there were + still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled my hand. I + liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my hand away. Just + then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly they had passed us + we followed close behind as if we had been walking like that all the time. + It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she always wants us all to keep + together. As we went along R. said: Look out, Gretel, I’m going to tickle + you some day until you scream.—How absurd, I won’t have it, it takes + two to do that. + </p> + <p> + By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag of + sweets and R. won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. + Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makes one + look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself such a lot. + </p> + <p> + August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages + 30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else on + the Louisenhohe. It’s positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them. And + I don’t know exactly what there was on those pages. I was born to ill + luck. If I hadn’t promised Hella to write my diary every day I should like + to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get hold of it, or + even Father. And it’s raining so fearfully to-day that I can’t even go + into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all not alone. I + must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn’t write anything + yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyone were to find + it. I am so much upset that I couldn’t eat anything at dinner, although we + had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I’m so unhappy for Father was + quite anxious and Mother too and they both asked what was the matter with + me and I nearly burst out crying before everyone. We had dinner in the + hotel to-day because Resi had gone away for 2 days. But I couldn’t cry in + the room before Father and Mother for that would have given the show away. + My only hope is that no one will recognise my writing, for Hella and I use + upright writing for our diary, first of all so that no one may recognise + our writing and secondly because upright writing doesn’t use up so much + paper as ordinary writing. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I + can hunt in the garden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all + day so that I didn’t even get cross when Inspee said: “Have you been + quarrelling with your future husband?” + </p> + <p> + August 30th. It’s not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go to + Louisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what I was + so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn’t keep + it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must have lost + something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it was Hella’s + letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worse than + that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that’s not such a terrible loss, and + will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for there are all sorts + of things written in it about R. and his society. Look here, Gretel, said + Mother, I don’t like this way you talk about R.; I really don’t like you + to spend all your time with the Warths; they’re really not our sort and R. + is not a fit companion for you; now that you are going to the high school + you are not a little girl any longer. Promise me that you’ll not be + eternally with the Warths.—All right, Mother, I will break it off + gradually so that nobody will notice. She burst out laughing and kissed me + on both cheeks and promised me to say nothing to Inspee about the diary + for she needn’t know everything. Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and + perhaps the pages are still there. + </p> + <p> + Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages all + pulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in the + footpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of his + boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. So no one + had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: I say, why + are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prize in the + lottery? and I pressed Mother’s foot with mine to remind her not to give + me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to me there’s a + conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a great hurry: + Luckily we’re not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone laughed + and now thank goodness it’s all over. Live and learn. I won’t let that + happen again. + </p> + <p> + August 31st. Really I’m not so much with the W’s and with R. I think he’s + offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized me by the + wrist and said: Your father is right, you’re a witch. “You need a + castigation.” How rude of him. Besides, I didn’t know what castigation + meant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up the + word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it. + What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it is + really horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone + already and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business. I + don’t like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn’t say that R. + wanted to give me a castigation when I didn’t know what it meant. Dora + tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in a lie + for her lies are so obvious. I’m never caught. It only happened once when + Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for he said: + You little rogue, you tarradiddler! + </p> + <p> + September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak to R. + again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had really fallen + out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before we have to start + from home. I can’t make out how it all happened. It was frightful cheek of + him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a kick. I think it was on + his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared to say: After all I’m well + paid out, for what can one expect when one keeps company with such young + monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from him when he’s not 14 himself + yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 and he seems to be one of the + idlest boys in the school, never anything but Satisfactory in his reports, + and he’s not in the fifth yet, but only in the fourth. Anyhow, we’ve + settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall never tell anyone about it, it + will be my first and I hope my last secret from Hella. + </p> + <p> + September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have been + awfully dull. I saw R. once or twice but I always looked the other way. + Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R., so that our + great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, for it was + absolutely <i>impossible</i> to tell the truth. I said that R. found fault + with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That’s quite true, + he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you’ll make it up when you + say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I’ll never speak a + word to him again. + </p> + <p> + For her birthday, although it’s not come yet, Dora is to have a navy blue + silk dustcloak. I don’t think the colour suits her, and anyhow she’s much + too thin to wear a dustcloak. + </p> + <p> + September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She looks + splendid and she says I do too. I’m so glad that she’s back. After all I + told her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have given him 2 + more; one for the tickling and one for the “baby” and one for the “young + monkey.” If we should happen to meet him, shan’t we just glare at him. + </p> + <p> + September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think the + tartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn’t say so, but only that the + cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five times already. + I don’t know whether Father really wants to treat her as a grown-up lady + or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he’s only making fun. She + doesn’t really look like a grown-up lady. How could she when she’s not 14 + yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls were invited, and of course + Hella was invited on my account and we had a grand talk. But most of them + bragged frightfully about the country where they <i>said</i> they had + been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I care about. + </p> + <p> + September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreed to + call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I’m frightfully + curious. + </p> + <p> + September 22nd, 19—. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and + we went along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on + in front of her. We don’t want her as governess. There are 34 of us in the + class. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and I + think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German and + writing. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech, + then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them till + Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is for + games, the short ones to go out. I usen’t to go out at the elementary + school and now I don’t need to. Mother always says that it’s only a bad + habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the room during + lesson time. To-day we hadn’t any proper lessons. They are to begin + to-morrow, but we don’t know what. Then we came home. + </p> + <p> + September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography and + history, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, but + she could not stand her, she’s so ugly. Father was angry and said to + Inspee: You silly goose, don’t fill her head with such stuff. Show what + you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from every mistress + and every master if one likes. But I can’t say, we’re really fond of + Fraulein Vischer and I don’t much care for geography and history. Besides + I’m not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. Mallburg is awfully nice + and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M. for short. When she laughs + she has two dimples and a gold stopping. She is new at the school. I don’t + know if we are to have singing too. In French we have Madame Arnau, she is + beautifully dressed, black lace. Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; + it’s quite soft, we must have it soft so that it shan’t make a row when it + falls down during lesson time. I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, I + don’t know exactly. To-day lessons went on until 12, first German, then + arithmetic, then religion for Catholics, and then we came away. Hella + waited for me, for the Herr Pastor did not come. + </p> + <p> + September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but we were + wrong. Hella’s mother said, that’s what happens when the chicks think + themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to our house + and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don’t go there, for it’s so dull, + they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons. My music + lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixed up. Perhaps + on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B., she told me to write myself. + She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather have had Hella’s music + mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think she charges more. At + least she wouldn’t always be holding me up “Fraulein Dora” as a model. We + are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In the evening Inspee was reading + a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock and she simply howled over it. She + said she had not, but I heard her and she could hardly speak. She says she + had a cold, liar. + </p> + <p> + September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors’ time-table, but it + won’t work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly when they + can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, but since + there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we are going + to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or 10 + sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what we have + written in class. I’ve written mine already. But I’ve not said anything + about Robert. He’s not worth thinking about anyhow. I did not even tell + Hella everything. + </p> + <p> + September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said, + very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: And is + that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent her holidays. + Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, very good. Then + the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge with us. It + was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervals we were quite + alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up the time-table. A + pupil-teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She sits on the + last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor. + </p> + <p> + September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time in + natural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in the + face. And in French Madame A. said that my accent was the best. We’ve got + an awful lot on and I don’t know whether I shall be able to write every + day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel and the + Weinmann girl said Nikel. + </p> + <p> + September 30th. I’ve had simply no time to write. Hella hasn’t written + anything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert in + Schottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn’t be so stuck up, he said as + he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I would have + given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper. + </p> + <p> + October 1st. I can’t write, Oswald has come from S., he has sprained his + ankle, but I’m not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully pale + and doesn’t say a word about the pain. + </p> + <p> + October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor’s birthday. Yesterday Resi + told me something horrid. Oswald can’t go back to S. He has been up to + something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. He always + stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in the country. Or + perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspee pretends she + knows what it is but of course it isn’t true, for she doesn’t know any + more than I do. Father is furious and Mother’s eyes are all red with + crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only find out what he’s + done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Dora and I heard what + he said: You young scamp (then there was something we couldn’t understand) + and then he said, you attend to your school books and leave the girls and + the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. And Dora said. Ah, now I + understand and I said: Please tell me, he is my brother as well as yours. + But she said: “You wouldn’t understand. It’s not suitable for such young + ears.” Fancy that, it’s suitable for her ears, but not mine though she’s + not quite three years older than I am, but because she no longer wears a + short skirt she gives herself the airs of a grown-up <i>lady</i>. Such + airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of jam so that her mouth is + stuffed with it and she can’t speak. Whenever I see her do this, I make a + point of speaking to her so that she has to answer. She does get in such a + wax. + </p> + <p> + October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That’s how babies come. And <i>that</i> + is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply won’t marry. + For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully and yet one has + to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wish I knew exactly + how, Hella says she doesn’t know exactly herself. But perhaps her cousin + who knows everything about it will tell her. It lasts nine months till the + baby comes and then a lot of women die. It’s horrible. Hella has known it + for a long time but she didn’t like to tell me. A girl told her last + summer in the country. She wanted to talk about it to Lizzi her sister, + really she only wanted to ask if it was all true and Lizzi ran off to her + mother to tell her what Hella had said And her mother said; “These + children are awful, a corrupt generation, don’t you dare to repeat it to + any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance,” and she gave her a box on + the ear. As if she could help it! That is why she didn’t write to me for + such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now she can tell me all + about it and we won’t betray one another. And that deceitful cat Inspee + has known all about it for ages and has never told me. But I don’t + understand why that time at the swing Robert said: You little fool, you + wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows. When I go to the + gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first and ask her about it. + My goodness how curious I am to know. + </p> + <p> + October 10th. I’m in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lesson yesterday. + I was upstairs at Hella’s and without meaning it I was so late I did not + dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her that we would say + that our sum was so difficult that we had not got it finished in time. + Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothing about it at home, + for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr S’s. I thought that I knew all + about it but only now has Hella really told me everything. It’s a horrible + business this . . . I really can’t write it. She says that of course + Inspee has it already, had it when I wrote that Inspee wouldn’t bathe, did + not want to bathe; really she had it. Whatever happens one must always be + anxious about it. <i>Streams of blood</i> says Hella. But then everything + gets all bl . . . That’s why in the country Inspee always switched off the + light before she was quite undressed, so that I couldn’t see. Ugh! Catch + me looking! It begins at 14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says + that Berta Franke in our class knows all about it. In the arithmetic + lesson she wrote a note: Do you know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote + back, of course I’ve known it for a long time. Berta waited for her after + class when the Catholics were having their religion lesson and they went + home together. I remember quite well that I was very angry, for they’re + not chums. On Tuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in + class saying that I knew <i>everything</i> and she needn’t bother about + me. Inspee suspects something, she’s always spying about and sneering, + perhaps she thinks that she’s the only person who ought to know anything. + </p> + <p> + October 16th. To-morrow is Father’s and Dora’s birthday. Every year it + annoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father; + What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, as + Father always says, it’s a mere chance. Besides, I don’t think he really + likes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day, not + to share it with someone else. And it’s always nasty to be stuck up about + a thing like that. Besides, it’s not going to be a real birthday because + of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stay away from + the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. to see about Oswald going + there. + </p> + <p> + October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All the + Bruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald only + that he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that’s not + true) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. said: The best thing + for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps him in order. + In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella’s father said, + for you can be expelled from a military academy just as easily as from the + Gymnasium. That’s what happened to Edgar Groller. Oswald gave himself away + and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have been expelled, and we believed you + had sprained your ankle. Then he got in an awful wax and said: O you + wretched flappers, I’ve gone and blabbed it all now, and he went away + slamming the door, for Mother wasn’t there. + </p> + <p> + October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It must + have been something with a girl. But we can’t think what Father meant + about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to the + head master or to the school committee and that’s how it all came out. I + feel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself if + everything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don’t care now. + But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word, + except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends that he + wants to read, but it’s absurd, for with such a love trouble one can’t + really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but only that my + brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he is back in + Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shot himself + because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was because of an + actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already. + </p> + <p> + October 20th. We spend most of our time now with Berta Franke. She says + she has had a tremendous lot of experience, but she can’t tell us yet + because we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. Perhaps she is + afraid we shall give her away. She wants to marry when she is 16 at + latest. That’s in 2 years. Of course she won’t have finished school by + then, but she will have left the third class. She has three admirers, but + she has not yet made up her mind which to choose. Hella says I mustn’t + believe all this, that the story about the three admirers at once is + certainly a cram. + </p> + <p> + October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one is dark under the eyes one + has it and that when one gets a baby then one doesn’t have it any more + until one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, but I didn’t + really believe what she said, for I thought she did not know herself + exactly. Then she got very cross and said: “All right, I won’t tell you + any more. If I don’t know myself.” But I can’t believe what she said about + husband and wife. She said it must happen every night, for if not they + don’t have a baby; if they miss a single night they don’t have a baby. + That’s why they have their beds so close together. People call them <i>marriage + beds!!!</i> And it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly bear it. But + one has to for a husband can make his wife do it. I should like to know + how he can make her. But I didn’t dare to ask for I was afraid she would + think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, but very seldom. We see a + lot of Berta Franke now, she is an awfully nice girl, perhaps Mother will + let me invite her here next Sunday. + </p> + <p> + October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. Mother cried such a lot. + When Oswald was leaving I whispered to him: I know what’s the matter with + you. But he did not understand me for he said: Silly duffer. Perhaps he + only said that because of Father who was looking on with a fearful scowl. + </p> + <p> + October 27th. Everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday I got + unsatisfactory in history, and in arithmetic to-day I couldn’t get a + single sum right. I’m frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic + lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the money to-morrow, for + if she goes herself she will certainly find out about it. + </p> + <p> + October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present at our French lesson + and said awfully nice things about me. She said I was good enough in + French to be in the Third and then she asked me whether I was as good in + the other subjects. I didn’t want to say either Yes or No, and all the + other girls said Yes, she’s good at everything. The head patted me on the + shoulder and said: I’m glad to hear that. When she had gone I cried like + anything and Madame Arnau asked: Why, what’s the matter? and the other + girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but she can really do her + sums awfully well. Then Madame said: “You’ll soon wipe off that + Unsatisfactory.” + </p> + <p> + October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother with Fraulein Vischer in the + history lesson. Yesterday when I got into the tram with Mother there was + Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother shouldn’t see her and so + that she should not tell Mother about me. When she came in to-day she + said: Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what she meant and + said “I did bow to you in the tram but you didn’t see me.” “That’s a fine + thing to do, first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by telling + a lie. Sit down!” I felt awful for all the girls looked at me. In the 11 + interval Berta Franke said to me: Don’t worry, she’s got her knife into + you and will always find something to complain of. She must have spoken to + Frau Doktor M., for in the German lesson the subject for viva voce + composition was Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me again. She + didn’t say anything more. She’s a perfect angel, my darling E. M., her + name is Elisabeth; but she does not keep her name-day because she’s a + Protestant; that’s an awful shame because November 19th is coming soon. + </p> + <p> + October 31st. I’ve been so lucky. Nothing’s come out about the gymnastic + lesson though Mother was there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day I + got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and she said: Why, L. what + was the matter with you in your sums the other day, for you’re so good at + arithmetic? I didn’t know what to do so I said: Oh I had such a headache + the other day. Then Berta Franke nearly burst out laughing, it was horrid + of her; I don’t think she’s quite to be trusted; I think she’s rather a + sneak. When the lesson was over she said she had laughed because + “headache” means something quite different. + </p> + <p> + November 1st. To-day we began to work at the tablecloth for Father’s + Christmas present. Of course Inspee bagged the right side because that’s + easier to work at and I had to take the left side and then one has the + whole caboodle on one’s hand. For Mother I’m making an embroidered leather + book cover, embroidered with silk and with a painted design; I can do the + painting part at school in Fraulein H.‘s lesson, she’s awfully nice too. + But I like Frau Doktor M. best of all. I’m <i>not</i> going to invite + Berta Franke because of the way she laughed yesterday, and besides Mother + doesn’t like having strange girls to the house. November 2nd. I don’t know + all about things yet. Hella knows a lot more. We said we were going to go + over our natural history lesson together and we went in to the + drawing-room, and there she told me a lot more. Then Mali, our new + servant, came in, and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a hospital + because she’s ill. Mali told us that all the Jews when they are quite + little have to go through a very dangerous operation; it hurts frightfully + and that’s why they are so cruel. It’s done so that they can have more + children; but only little boys, not little girls. It’s horrid, and I + should not like to marry a Jew. Then we asked Mali whether it is true that + it hurts so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can’t be so bad as + all that, for if it were you wouldn’t find everyone doing it. Then Hella + asked her: But have you done it already, you haven’t got a husband? She + said: Go on, Miss! One mustn’t ask such questions it’s not ladylike. We + were in an awful funk, and begged her not to tell Mother. She promised not + to. + </p> + <p> + November 5th. Everything has come out through that stupid waist band. + Yesterday when I was tidying my drawers Mali came in to make the beds and + saw my fringed waistband. “I say, she said, that is pretty!” You can have + it if you like, I said, for I’ve given up wearing it. At dinner yesterday + I noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I blushed all over. After + dinner Mother said, Gretel, did you give Mali that waistband? Yes, I said, + she asked me for it. She came in at that moment to clear away and said: + “No, I never asked for it, Fraulein Grete gave it to me herself.” I don’t + know what happened after that, I’d gone back to my room when Mother came + in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction one gets out of one’s children. + Mali has told me the sort of things you and Hella talk about. I ran + straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali: How could you tell such + tales of us? It was you who chipped in when we were talking. It was + frightfully mean of you. In the evening <i>she</i> must needs go and + complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything and said: You’re + a fine lot, you children, I must say. You are not to see so much of Hella + now, do you understand? + </p> + <p> + November 6th. A fine thing this, that I’m a silly fool now. When I gave + Hella a nudge so that she should not go on talking before Mali, she + laughed and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about it, probably a + great deal more than we do. It was only after that that Mali told us about + the Jews. Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now that I + know what I am, a silly fool. And that’s what one’s best friend calls one! + </p> + <p> + November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. We walk together, but we + only talk of everyday things, school and lessons, nothing else. We went + skating to-day for the first time and we shall go whenever we have time, + which is not very often. Mother is working at the table cloth. It’s very + hard work but she has not got as much to do as we have. + </p> + <p> + November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady skating to-day, and she + skates so beautifully, inside and outside edge and figures of 8. I skated + along behind her. When she went to the cloak room there was such a lovely + scent. I wonder if she is going to be married soon and whether <i>she</i> + knows all about everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back the hair + from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as pretty as she is. But I am + dark and she is fair. I wish I could find out her name and where she + lives. I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons in the evening. + </p> + <p> + November 9th. I’m so upset; <i>she</i> didn’t come to skate. I’m afraid + she may be ill. + </p> + <p> + November 10th. She didn’t come to-day either. I waited two hours, but it + was no good. + </p> + <p> + November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh how pretty she is. + </p> + <p> + November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was standing near the entrance gate + and suddenly I heard some one laughing behind me and I knew directly: That + is <i>she!</i> So it was. She came up and said: Shall we skate together? + Please, if I may, said I, and we went off together crossing arms. My heart + was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, but couldn’t think + of anything sensible to say. When we came back to the entrance a gentleman + stood there and took off his hat and she bowed, and she said to me: Till + next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow? Perhaps, she called back. . . . + Only perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were to-morrow already. + </p> + <p> + November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is Anastasia Klastoschek. I’m + sure it can’t be true that she has such a name, she might be called + Eugenie or Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why are there + such horrid names? Fancy if she is really called that. Klastoschek, too, a + Czech name, and she is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26 already; + 26, absurd, she’s 18 at most. I’m sure she’s not so much as 18. Dora says + she lives in Phorusgasse, and that she doesn’t think her particularly + pretty. Of course that’s rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one pretty except + herself. + </p> + <p> + November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, her name really is + Anastasia Klastoschek and she lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman + didn’t know how old she is. She would not tell me at first but asked why I + wanted to know and who had sent me to enquire. She wouldn’t look into the + book until I told her that it was <i>only for myself</i> that I wanted to + know. Then she looked, for I knew the number of the cloak room locker: 36, + a lovely number, I like it so much. I don’t really know why, but when I + hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a squirrel jumping about + in the wood. + </p> + <p> + November 20th. It’s really impossible to write every day. Mother is ill in + bed and the doctor comes every day, but I don’t really know what’s the + matter with her. I’m not sure whether the doctor knows exactly. When + Mother is ill everything at home is so uncomfortable and she always says: + Whatever you do don’t get ill, for it’s such a nuisance. But I don’t mind + being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, for then everyone’s so nice, + when Father comes home he comes and sits by my bed and even <i>Dora</i> is + rather nice and does things for me; that is she <i>has</i> to. Besides, + when she had diptheria two years ago I did everything I could for her, she + nearly died, her temperature went up to 107 and Mother was sick with + crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when a man cries. When + there was all that row about Oswald he cried, I think Father had given him + a box on the ear. He said he hadn’t but I think he had; certainly he + cried, though he said he didn’t. After all, why shouldn’t he for he’s not + really grown up yet. I cry myself when I get frightfully annoyed. Still I + shouldn’t cry for a box on the ear. + </p> + <p> + November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel Schrotter who is the + Herr Catechist’s favourite, no we’ve got to call him Herr Professor, as + she is the Herr Professor’s favourite, well she went to him with the Bible + and asked him what <i>with child</i> meant. That’s what they say of Mary + in the Bible. The Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the other + girls egged her on till she went and asked. The Herr Professor got quite + red and said: If you don’t know yet it does not matter. We shall come to + that later, we’re still in the Old Testament. I was so glad that Hella + does not sit next me in the religion lesson, because she’s a Protestant; + we should certainly have both burst out laughing. Some of the girls + giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to Lisel: You’re a good + girl, don’t bother about the others. But Lisel positively howled. I would + not have asked, even if I hadn’t really known. <i>With child</i> is a + stupid word anyhow, it doesn’t mean anything really; only if one knows. + </p> + <p> + November 22nd. When I was coming away from the religion lesson with Berta + Franke the other day, of course we began talking about <i>it</i>. She says + that’s why people marry, only because of <i>it</i>. I said I could not + believe that people marry only for <i>that</i>. Lots of people marry and + then have no children. That’s all right said Berta, but it’s quite true + what I tell you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can’t write it + all down. It is too horrid, but I shan’t forget. When I was sitting on + Mother’s bed to-day I suddenly realised that Father’s bed is really quite + close to Mother’s. I had never thought about it before. But it’s not + really necessary now for we are all quite big. Still I suppose they’ve + just left things as they were. Well dear, said Mother, what are you + looking round so for? Of course I didn’t let on, but said: I was only + looking round and thinking that if your bed was where the washstand is you + could see to read better when you are lying in bed. That would not do + because the wall’s all wrong said Mother. I said nothing more and she + didn’t either. I like much better to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, + because I like to snuggle up against the back. I’m so glad Mother didn’t + notice anything. One has to be so frightfully careful not to give oneself + away when one knows everything. + </p> + <p> + November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely story; it is called <i>A + True Heart</i> and is about a girl whose betrothed has had to leave her + because he has shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains true to + him till he comes back after 10 years and then they marry. It’s simply + splendid and frightfully sad at first. I do love these library books, but + when we were at the elementary school I knew all the books they had and + the mistress never knew what to give me and Hella. In the high school we + get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor says we have plenty of work + to do, and that when we are not at work we ought to be out in the fresh + air. I can’t manage to go skating every day. I do love the Gold Fairy, + that is my name for <i>her</i>, for I hate her real name. Inspee declares + that they call her Stasi for short, but I don’t believe that; most likely + they call her Anna, but that’s so common. Thank goodness Hella always + calls me Rita, so at school I’m known as Rita. It’s only at home that they + will call me Gretl. The other day I said to Inspee: If you want me to call + you Thea you must call me Rita; and anyhow I won’t let you call me Gretl, + that’s what they call a little girl or a peasant girl. She said: I don’t + care tuppence what <i>you</i> call me. All right, then, she shall be Dora + till the end of time. + </p> + <p> + November 27th. Father has been made Appeal Court Judge. He is awfully glad + and so is Mother. The news came yesterday evening. Now he can become + President of the Supreme Court, not directly, but in a few years. We shall + probably move to a larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother that she + hoped she would have her <i>own</i> room where she would not be <i>disturbed</i>. + How absurd, who disturbs her, I suppose I do? Much more like she disturbs + me, always watching while I’m writing my diary. Hella always says: “There + really ought not to be any elder sisters;” she’s jolly well right. It’s a + pity we can’t alter things. Mother says we are really too big to keep St. + Nicholas, but I don’t see why one should ever be too big for that. Last + year Inspee got something from St. Nicholas when she was 13 and I’m not 12 + yet. All we get are chocolates and sweets and dates and that sort of + thing, not proper presents. The girls want to give the Frau Doktor a great + Krampus * to leave it on her desk. I think that’s silly. It’s not a proper + present for a teacher one is really fond of, one doesn’t want to waste + sweets on a teacher one doesn’t like, and to give an empty Krampus would + be rude. Mother is really right and a Krampus is only suitable for + children. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves + St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children + An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present + on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas + season.—Translators’ Note. +</pre> + <p> + December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff a Krampus, each of us is + to subscribe a crown, I hope Father will give me the crown extra. Perhaps + he’ll give us more pocket money now, at least another crown, that would be + splendid. We are going to give big Krampuses to the ones we like best, + and: small ones to those we are not so fond of. We’re afraid to give one + to Professor J. But if he doesn’t get one perhaps he’ll be offended. + </p> + <p> + December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses for the staff. The one for + Frau Doktor M. is the finest. When you open it the first thing you see is + little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales written on the backs, + and then underneath these are the sweets. That’s exactly suited for her, + for the Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in German they are + reading these poets. Last month in the Fourth they had a Schiller festival + and Frau Doktor made a splendid speech and some of the girls gave + recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an awful poem by Schiller. There + you can read: if only I could catch her in the bath, she would cry for + mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a man. And then in another + place: “To my mate in God’s likeness I can show <i>that</i> which is the + source of life.” But you can only find that in the <i>large</i> editions + of Schiller. I believe we’ve got some books of that sort in our bookcase, + for when Inspee was rummaging there the other day Mother called from the + next room: “Dora, what are you hunting for in the bookcase? I can tell you + where it is.” And she said: Oh, it’s nothing, I was just looking for + something, and shut the door quickly. + </p> + <p> + December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have made such a muddle about + the Krampuses for the staff. The money didn’t come out right and Keller + said that Markus had taken some but Markus said not taken only kept. Of + course Markus complained to Frau Doktor and her father went to the head + and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite well that collections + are not allowed and that we must not give any one a Krampus. Now Keller + has the five Krampuses and we don’t know what to do about it. Mother says + that sort of thing never turns out well but always ends in a quarrel. + </p> + <p> + December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella and I and Edith Bergler have + taken the Krampus which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on her + doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for she comes by there every + day on her way to school. I wonder if she’ll guess where the Krampus comes + from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such a nice girl, I always + thought she must be deceitful because she wears spectacles. But now I’m + quite certain she is not deceitful, so one sees how easy it is to make a + mistake. To-morrow’s our German lesson. + </p> + <p> + December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything at first. Then she gave out + the subject for the essay: “Why once I could not go to sleep at night.” + The girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said: Now girls + that’s not so very difficult. One person cannot go to sleep because he’s + just going to be ill, another because he is excited by joy or fear. + Another has an uneasy conscience because he has done something which he + has been forbidden to do; have not all of you experienced something of the + kind? Then she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler and us two. She + did not say anything more, so we don’t really know if she suspects. I + couldn’t go to the ice carnival yesterday because I had such a bad cough, + and Dora couldn’t go either because she had a headache; I don’t know + whether it was a real headache or <i>that kind</i> of headache; but I + expect it was that kind. + </p> + <p> + December 17th. I haven’t managed to write anything for a whole week. The + day before yesterday we had our Christmas reports: In history I had + satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything else very good. In + diligence because of that stupid Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very + angry; he says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That’s true enough, but + if one has satisfactory in anything then one can’t get a 1 for diligence. + Inspee of course had only 1’s, except a 2 in English. But then she’s a + frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, but we can’t any + of us bear her, she’s so frantically conceited and Berta Franke says she’s + <i>not to be trusted</i>. Berta walks to school with her cousin who’s in + the seventh; she’s nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. She didn’t say what + sort of a report she had, but I believe it was a very bad one. + </p> + <p> + December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because she found a little + chicken in her egg, not really a chicken yet, but one could make out the + wings and the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. Still, I + really can’t see what there was to faint about. Afterwards she said it had + made her feel quite creepy. And she’ll never be able to eat another egg. + At first Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but then he + laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! She had to go and lie down at + once and I stayed downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our room + she was reading, that is I saw the light through the crack in the door; + but when I opened the door it was all dark and when I asked: Ah so you’re + still reading she didn’t answer and she pretended to wake up when I + switched on the light and said: What’s the matter? I can’t stand such + humbug so I said: Shut up, you know quite well it’s 9 o-clock. That’s all. + On our way to school to-day we didn’t Speak a word to one another. Luckily + after awhile we met a girl belonging to her class. + </p> + <p> + December 19th. I’m frightfully excited to know what I’m going to get for + Christmas. What I’ve wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, and + velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates because mine are always + working loose, <i>German</i> sagas, not Greek; no thank you, hair ribbons, + openwork stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one Hella got for + a birthday present. But Father says that our Christ Child would find that + rather too expensive. Inspee wants a corset. But I don’t think she’ll get + one because it’s unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father is finished and is + being trimmed, but Mother’s book cover is not quite ready yet. I’m giving + Dora a little manicure case. Oh, and I’d nearly forgotten what I want more + than anything else, a lock-up box in which to keep my diary. Dora wants + some openwork stockings too and three books. A frightful thing happened to + me the other day. I left one of the pages of my diary lying about or lost + one somehow or other. When I came home Inspee said: “you’ve lost <i>this</i>, + haven’t you? School notes I suppose?” I didn’t notice what it was for a + moment, but then I saw by the look of it and said: Yes, those are school + notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not exactly that are they? You can thank your + stars that I’ve not shown them to Mother. Besides people who can’t spell + yet really ought not to keep diaries. It’s not suitable for children. I + was in a wax. In the closet I took a squint to see what mistakes I had + made. There was only <i>wenn</i> with one <i>n</i> instead of double <i>n</i> + and <i>dass</i> with short <i>ss’s</i>, that’s all. I was jolly glad that + there was nothing about <i>her</i> on the page. She’d underlined the <i>n</i> + and the short <i>ss’s</i> with red, just as if she was a schoolmistress, + infernal cheek! The best would be to have a book with a lock to it, which + one could alway keep locked, then no one could read any of it and + underline one’s mistakes in red. I often write so fast that it’s easy to + make a slip now and again. As if she never made a mistake. The whole thing + made me furious. But I can’t say anything about it because of Mother, at + least on the way to school; but no, if I say nothing at all then she + always gets more waxy than ever. If I were to say much about it Mother + might remember those 5 pages I lost in the country and I’d rather not + thank you. + </p> + <p> + December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She’s going to stay with us for a + time till Mother is quite well again. I didn’t remember her at all, for I + was only four or five when she went away from Vienna. You dear little + black beetle she said to me and gave me a kiss. I didn’t like the <i>black</i> + much, but Hella says that suits me, that it’s <i>piquant</i>. <i>Piquant</i> + is what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, Father says she is + a beauty, and she’s dark like me. But I’d rather be fair, fair with brown + eyes or better still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a beauty? Oh I do + hope I shall! + </p> + <p> + December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to-morrow. I wonder what I + shall get? Now I must go and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said: + Hullo, is <i>Gretl</i> going to help decorate this year? She’s never done + it before! I should like to know why not. But Aunt Dora took my side. “Of + course she’ll help decorate too; but please don’t stuff yourselves with + sweets.” “If Dora doesn’t eat anything I shan’t either,” said I promptly. + </p> + <p> + Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. The holidays are from the + 23rd to January 2nd. It’s glorious. I shall be able to go skating every + day. Of course I had no time to-day and shan’t have to—morrow. I + wonder whether I should send the Gold Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she + had a prettier name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All Czech names + are so ugly. Father knows a Count Wilczek, but a still worse name is + Schafgotsch. Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called Schafgotsch or + Wilczek even if he were a count and a millionaire. Yesterday we paid our + respects to the staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor because she + is fondest of us, or is <i>said</i> to be. Nobody wanted to go to + Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say Nikel, for when he has respects paid + to him he always says: “Aw ri’.” But it would have been rude to leave him + out and so the monitors had to go. When Christmas was drawing near Frau + Doktor told us that we were none of us to give presents to the staff. “I + beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, for if you do not there + will only be trouble. You remember what happened on St. Nicholas’ day. And + you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, nor must the Christ + Child leave anything on any one’s doorstep.” As she said this she looked + hard at me and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left the Krampus. I’m so + tired I can’t keep my eyes open. Hurrah, to-morrow is Christmas Eve!!! + </p> + <p> + December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. One does not know what + to be at. I’m not allowed to go skating so the best thing is to write. + Oswald came home yesterday. Everyone says he’s looking splendid; I think + he’s awfully pale and he snorted when everyone said he had such a fine + colour; of course, how can he look well when he has such a <i>heartache</i>. + I wish I could tell him that I understand what he feels, but he’s too + proud to accept sympathy from me. He has wished for an army revolver for + Christmas, but I don’t think he’ll get one for boys at the middle school + are not allowed to have any firearms. Not long ago at a Gymnasium in + Galicia one of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said it was + because the boy was getting on badly with his work, but really it was + about a girl, although the master was 36 years old. This morg. I was in + town with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli and . . . Robert. + Oswald said that Elli was quite nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly + beast. Besides, he can’t stand him he said, because he glared at me so. If + only he knew what happened in the summer! I was awfully condescending to + Robert and that made him furious. If one could only save you girls from + all the troubles which the world calls “Love,” said Oswald on the way + home. I was just going to say “I know that you’re unhappy in love and I + can feel for you,” when Inspee came round the corner of the Bognergasse + with her chum and 2 officers were following them, so none of them saw us. + “Great Scott, Frieda’s full-fledged now,” said Oswald, “she’s a little + tart.” I can’t stand that sort of vulgarity so I did not say another word + all the way home. He noticed and said to Mother: “Gretl’s mouth has been + frozen up from envy.” That’s all. But it was really disgusting of him and + now I know what line to take. + </p> + <p> + Just a moment for a word or two. The whole Christmas Eve has gone to pot. + A commissionaire came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. I wish + I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one of those 2 officers? Of course + Inspee says she has not the ghost of an idea. What surprises me is that + Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: I say, what a lark! But + Father was down on him like anything, “You hold your jaw and think of your + own beastly conduct.” I didn’t envy him; I don’t think much of Dora’s + looks myself, but apparently she pleases <i>someone</i>. In the bouquet + there was a poem and Dora got hold of it quickly before Father had seen + it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: One for whom you have made + Christmas beautiful! The heading is: “The Magic Season.” I think Dora’s + splendid not to give herself away; even to me she declares she does not + know who sent it; but of course that may be all humbug. I think it really + comes from young Perathoner, with whom she’s always skating. + </p> + <p> + December 28th. I’ve had absolutely no time to write. I got everything I + wanted. Aunt Dora gave both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in a + plush case. We are going to all the school performances, Father’s arranged + it; he has subscribed to <i>all</i> the performances during the school + year 19— to 19—. I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will + come too. I do hope I shall sit next to her. + </p> + <p> + December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through all I have written, but I + could not manage it but in the new year I really must write every day. + </p> + <p> + January 1st, 19—. I must write a few sentences at least. For the + afternoon we had been invited to the Rydberg’s the Warths were there and + Edle von Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel but I would + not say a word to R. They left before us, and then Heddy asked me what was + wrong between me and R. He had said of me: Any one can have the <i>black + goose for me</i>. Then he said that any one could take me in. I was so + stupid that I would believe anything. I can’t think what he meant, for he + never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would not let <i>him</i> spoil + new year’s day for me. But Hella is quite right for if the first person + one meets on January 1st is a common person that’s a bad beginning. The + first thing this morning when I went out I met our old postman who’s + always so grumpy if he’s kept waiting at the door. I looked the other way + directly and across the street a fine young gentleman was passing, but it + was no good for the common postman had really been the first. + </p> + <p> + January 12th. I am so angry. <i>We</i> mayn’t go skating any more because + Inspee has begun to complain again of her silly old ears and Mother + imagines that she got her earache last year skating. It’s all right to + keep <i>her</i> at home; but why shouldn’t <i>I</i> go? How can <i>I</i> + help it when <i>she</i> gets a chill so easily? In most things Father is + justice itself, but I really can’t understand him this time. It’s simply + absurd, only it’s too miserable to call it absurd. I’m in a perfect fury. + Still, I don’t say anything. + </p> + <p> + February 12th. I have not written for a whole month, I’ve been working so + hard. To-day we got our reports. Although I’ve been working so frightfully + hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau Doktor M. made a splendid + speech and said: As you sow, so you shall reap. But that’s not always + true. In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but I got a 1, and + in History I only did not know my lesson once and I got Satisfactory. + Anyhow Fraulein V. does not like me because of that time when I did not + bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, when Mother asked about + me, she said: “She does not really put her back into her work.” I + overheard Father say: After all she’s only a kid, but to-day he made a + frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. He might have known why she gave + me that. Dora, <i>so she says</i>, has only ones, but she has not shown me + the report. I don’t believe what I don’t see. And Mother never gives her + away to me. + </p> + <p> + February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald has an Unsatisfactory in + Greek. Greek is really no use; for no one uses Greek, except the people + who live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he is going to be a + judge like Father. <i>Of course</i> Dora learns Latin; but not for me + thank you. Hella’s report is not particularly good and her father was in a + <i>perfect fury!!!</i> He says she ought to have a better report than any + one else. She does not bother much and says: One can’t have everything. + But if she doesn’t get nothing but ones in the summer term she is not to + stay at the high school and will have to go to the middle school. That’ll + make her sit up. Father’s awfully funny too: What have you got history + books for, if you don’t read them? Yesterday when I was reading my album + of stories, Father came in and said: You like a story book better than a + history book, and shut the book up and took it away from me. I was in such + a temper that I went to bed at 7 o’clock without any supper. + </p> + <p> + February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She spoke to me and asked why + I did not come skating any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the 24th + was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe it, a year ago my <i>sister</i> + had an earache, and <i>for that reason</i> they won’t allow <i>either</i> + of us to skate this year. She laughed like anything and said so + exquisitely: Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly ravishing: A + red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with fur, sable I believe, and a huge + brown beaver hat with crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and + mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always going about with + her. Next autumn, when we get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur + trimmed red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. Hella and Lizzi + are never dressed alike. + </p> + <p> + March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta Franker she’s utterly + false. I’ve such a frightful headache because I cried all through the + lesson. She wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A <i>Verhaltnis</i> + ** means something quite different. Just at that moment the mistress + looked across and said: To whom were you nodding? She said: To Lainer. + Because she laughed at the word “Verhaltnis.” It was not true. I had not + thought about the word at all. It wasn’t till I had read the note that it + occurred to Hella and me what <i>Verhaltnis</i> means. After the lesson + Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers’ room and told Frau Doktor + M. that Franke and I had laughed at the use of the word “Verhaltnis.” Frau + Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did you not just do your + sums? Fraulein St. said: You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, young + girls in the first class shouldn’t know anything about such things. I + shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German lesson Frau Doktor M. + told us to write an essay on the proverb: Pure the heart and true the + word, clear the brow and free the eye, these are our safeguards, or + something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it for me, for I was + crying all through the lesson. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ** The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson + means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in + Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.—Translators’ Note. +</pre> + <p> + March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk things out with us; but + Hella and I told her we would not speak to her again. We told her to + remember <i>what sort</i> of things she had said to us. She denied it all + already. We shouldn’t be such humbugs. It was mean of her. Really we + didn’t know anything and <i>she</i> told us all about it. Hella has told + me again and again she wished we didn’t know anything. She says she’s + always afraid of giving herself away and that she often thinks about that + sort of thing when she ought to be learning her lessons. So do I. And one + often dreams about such things at night when one has been talking about + them in the afternoon. Still, it’s better to know all about it. + </p> + <p> + March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, first of all our lessons + take such a lot of time, and second because I don’t care about it any more + since what Father said the other day. The last time I wrote was on + Saturday afternoon, and Father came in and said: Come along children, + we’ll go to Schonbrunn. That will do you more good than scribbling diaries + which you only go and lose when you’ve written them. So Mother told Father + all about it in the holidays. I couldn’t have believed it of Mother for I + begged her to promise not to tell anyone. And she said: One doesn’t + promise about a thing like that; but I won’t tell anyone. And now she must + have told about it, although she said she wouldn’t. Even Franke’s + deceitfulness was nothing to that for after all we’ve only known her since + last autumn, but I could never have believed that Mother would do such a + thing. I told Hella when we were having tea at the Tivoli and she said she + would not altogether trust her mother, she’d rather trust her father. But + if that had happened to <i>her</i>, her father would have boxed her ears + with the diary. I did not want to show anything, but in the evening I only + gave Mother quite a little kiss. And she said, what’s the matter, dear? + has anything happened? Then I could not keep it in and I cried like + anything and said: You’ve betrayed me. And Mother said: “I?” Yes, you; you + told Father about the diary though you promised me you wouldn’t. At first + Mother didn’t remember anything about it, but soon she remembered and + said: “But, little one, I tell Father everything. All you meant was that + Dora was not to know.” That’s quite true, it’s all right that Dora wasn’t + told; but still Father need not have been told either. And Mother was + awfully sweet and nice and I didn’t go to bed till 10 o’clock. But + whatever happens I shan’t tell her anything again and I don’t care about + the old diary any more. Hella says: Don’t be stupid; I ought just to go on + writing; but another time I should be careful not to lose anything, and + besides I should not blab everything to Mother and Father. She says she no + longer tells her mother anything since that time in the summer when her + mother gave her a box on the ear because that other girl had told her all + about everything. It’s quite true, Hella is right, I’m just a child still + in the way I run to Mother and tell her everything. And it’s not nice of + Father to tease me about my diary; I suppose he never kept one himself. + </p> + <p> + March 27th. Hurrah we’re going to Hainfeld for Easter; I am so delighted. + Mother has a friend there whose husband is doctor there, so she has to + live there all the year round. Last year in the winter she and Ada stayed + three days with us because her eyes were bad. Ada is really nearly as old + as Dora, but Dora said, like her cheek: “Her intellectual level makes her + much more suitable company for you than for me.” Dora thinks herself + cleverer than anyone else. They have 2 boys, but I don’t know them very + well for they are only 8 and 9. Mother’s friend was in an asylum once, for + she went off her head when her 2 year old baby died. I remember it quite + well. It must have been more than 2 years ago when Father and Mother were + always talking of poor Anna who had lost her child within 3 days. And I + believed she had really lost it, and once I asked whether they had found + it yet. I thought it had been lost in the forest, because there’s such a + great forest at Hainfeld. And since then I can’t bear to hear people say + lost when they mean dead, for it is so difficult to know which they really + mean. + </p> + <p> + On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin and we shall go on the + 11th, on Maundy Thursday. + </p> + <p> + April 6th. I don’t know what to do about writing my diary. I don’t want to + take it with me and as for remembering everything and writing it down + afterwards I know quite well I should never do that. Hella says I should + only jot it down in outline, that’s what Frau Doktor M. always says, and + write it out properly after I come back from Hainfeld. That’s what she + does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I’ve never seen the sea. Hella + says there’s nothing so wonderful about it. She’s been there four times. + Anyway she does not think so much of it as most people do. So it can’t be + anything so frightfully grand. Rather stupid I dare say. + </p> + <p> + April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a darling but the two boys are + awfully vulgar. Ernstl said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the a—— + if you don’t give me my pistol directly. Ada is as tall as her mother. + Their speech is rather countrified Even the doctor’s. He drinks a + frightful lot of beer; quarts I believe. + </p> + <p> + April 14th. Father came to-day. He’s awfully fond of the doctor. They + kissed one another. It did make me laugh. In the morning we were in the + forest; but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but a + tremendous lot of hellebores quite red. + </p> + <p> + April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. We did not go into the + church for Mother was afraid that the smell of incense and boots would + make Dora feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon we are going + to Ramsau, it’s lovely there. + </p> + <p> + April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go home to-morrow. At Whitsuntide + Ada’s mother is going to bring her to be confirmed. They are all coming to + stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the bank of the Ramsau. It was + awful. But the doctor pulled me out and then we did all laugh so when we + saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily I was able to catch + hold of a tree stump or I should have sunk right in. + </p> + <p> + April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni Islands. She is + frightfully sunburned. I don’t like that, so I shall <i>never</i> go to + the <i>south</i>. Hella says that if one marries in winter one <i>must</i> + spend one’s honeymoon in the south. That would not suit me, I should just + put off my marriage till the summer. + </p> + <p> + Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish priest makes a tremendous + fuss because she’s not confirmed yet. Her mother is going to bring her to + be confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed because Father and + Mother don’t want to be bothered with it. Still I should like to be + confirmed, for then one <i>has</i> to have a watch, and one can ask for + something else at Christmas. + </p> + <p> + April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful just now. The school + inspector is coming soon. It’s always very disagreeable. Mme A. says: The + inspection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it’s horrid for the + pupils too first of all because we get blamed at the time and secondly + because the staff makes such a frightful row about it afterwards. Dora + says that a bad inspection can make one’s report 2 degrees worse. By the + way, that reminds me that I have not yet written why Oswald did not come + home at Easter. <i>Although his reports were not at all good</i>, he was + allowed to go to Aunt Alma’s at Pola, because this year Richard comes home + for the holidays for the last time. After that he’s going away for three + years in the steamship “Ozean” to the East or Turkey or Persia, I don’t + quite know where. If Oswald likes he can go into the Navy too in two + years. + </p> + <p> + May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first of all in natural + history, thank goodness I wasn’t in for it that time, and then in German; + I was in that, reading and in the table of contents of the Wandering + Bells. Thank goodness I got through all right. + </p> + <p> + May 14th. It’s Mother’s birthday to-day. We’ve had simply no time to work + anything for her, so we got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed table, + the switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made of brass. She was so + pleased with it. Yesterday Frau v. R. was here. She’s a friend of Mother’s + and of Hella’s mother. I should like to have music lessons from Frau v. + R., she gives lessons since her husband who was a major died though she is + quite well off. + </p> + <p> + May 15th. That must have been true about the inspection; in the interval + to-day Professor Igel-Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, he + will go on coming all through the week and then we shall be all right for + this year. <i>We</i>, of course that means the staff. But really the staff + can’t help it if the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it’s all the + fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when the inspection is over. The + staff is always quite different when the inspector is there, some are + better, some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel quite ill with + anxiety. + </p> + <p> + May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger came from Hainfeld with Ada + and the two boys for the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came too + and in the evening they all went home again. Ada is very pretty, but she + looks countrified. I’m not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to wait 3 + hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was a very fine day. Dora did + not come; only Mother and I and Ada and her mother. The women who were + selling white favours all thought that I was one of the candidates because + I wore a white dress too. Ada was rather put out about it. On Saturday we + were in town in the morning and afternoon because Ada liked that better + than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday morning we went to Schonbrunn and in the + afternoon they went home. The watch they gave to Ada was a lovely one and + Dora and I gave her a gold chain for a locket. She enjoyed herself + immensely, except that on Sunday she had a frightful headache. Because she + is not used to town noises. + </p> + <p> + May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but not everything. I told her a + few things. In H. last winter a girl drowned herself because she was going + to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her mother told her a + little, but not everything. Ada once saw a bitch having her pups, but she + didn’t tell her mother about it; she thought that her mother might be very + angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog belonged to their next door + neighbour and she happened to see it in the out-house. Ada is expecting <i>it</i> + to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every grown-up girl has an + admirer. Ada says she will have one as soon as she is 14; she knows who it + will be. + </p> + <p> + June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about the confirmation and she + wrote to me as well. It is strange that she did not make friends with Dora + but with me. I think that Dora won’t talk about <i>those</i> things, at + least only with her friends in the high school, especially with Frieda + Ertl. That is why Ada made friends with me, though I am 2 years younger. + She is really an awfully nice girl. + </p> + <p> + June 19th. One thing after another goes missing in our class, first it was + Fleischer’s galoshes, then my new gloves, three times money was missing, + and today Fraulein Steiner’s new vanity bag. There was a great enquiry. + But nothing was found out. We all think it is Schmolka. But no one will + tell. To-day we could none of us attend to our lessons especially when + Sch. left the room at half past 11. + </p> + <p> + June 20th. In our closet the school servant found some beads on the floor + but since she did not know anything she threw them into the dustbin. Was + it really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is frightfully upset + because her betrothed gave her the vanity bag for a birthday present and + his photo was in it. But I’m really sorry for Sch. Nobody will speak to + her although nothing is proved yet. She is frightfully pale and her eyes + are always full of tears. Hella thinks too that perhaps she didn’t do it, + for she is one of Frl. St.‘s favourites and she is very fond of her + herself. She always carries the copybooks home for her. + </p> + <p> + June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when the porter came to see what + was the matter he found the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. now; + she can’t possibly use it any more. We giggled all through lessons + whenever we caught one another’s eye and the staff was in a frightful + rage. Only Frau Doktor M. said: “Now please get through with your laughing + over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have done with it.” + </p> + <p> + June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. Verbenowitsch was collecting + the German copybooks and when Sch. wanted to hand up her copybook she + said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won’t have anything to do + with (then there was a long pause) you. We were all apalled and Sch. went + as white as a sheet. At 10 o’clock she begged permission to leave the room + because she felt bad. I’m sure her mother will come to speak about it + to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + June 24th. Sch.‘s mother did not come after all. Verbenowitsch said: Of + course not! Sch. did not come either. Hella says she couldn’t stand + anything like that, she would rather drown herself. I don’t know, one + wants <i>other</i> reasons for drowning oneself. Still, I should tell + Father so that he could speak about it at school. Franke said: Yes, that’s + all very well, because <i>you</i> didn’t do it; but <i>if</i> one had done + it one would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, Sch.‘s father is + an invalid, he’s quite paralysed, has been bedridden for two years and + can’t speak. + </p> + <p> + June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with Frau Doktor M. Really she + always goes home alone but Hella suddenly left me and went up to Frau + Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau Doktor for bothering + you in the street, we <i>must</i> speak to you. She got quite red. Then + Frau Doktor said: “What’s the matter?” And Hella said: “Isn’t it possible + to find out who took the vanity bag? If it wasn’t Sch. the way the other + girls treat her will make her quite ill, and if it was we can’t stand + having her among us any longer.” Hella was really splendid and Frau Doktor + M. made us tell her everything that had happened, including about + Verbenowitsch and the copybooks; and we saw quite clearly she had tears in + her eyes and she said: “The poor child! Children I promise I will do what + I can for her.” We both kissed her hand and my heart beat furiously. And + Hella said: “You are an angel.” I could never have managed to say a thing + like that. + </p> + <p> + June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau Doktor M. did not say + anything. Hella and I kept on looking at her and Hella cleared her throat + three times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing your throat; + it will only make your sore throat worse: But it seemed to me her eyes + twinkled as she said it. So she hasn’t forgotten. I wanted to speak to + Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the Frau Doktor a chance. + She’s taken the matter in hand. To-morrow before 9 we’ll walk up and down + in front of her house till she comes out. + </p> + <p> + June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and to-day Frau Doktor’s + first lesson began at 11. But she has already had a talk with Sch. only we + don’t know when and where; certainly it was not in the interval and she + did not send for Sch. during lessons. + </p> + <p> + July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her She <i>is</i> such a dear. + Children, she said, this is such a painful matter, and it is difficult to + find a way out. Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she did + it or not these days are burning themselves into her soul and Hella asked: + “Please, Frau Doktor advise us what to do, speak to her or not?” Then she + said: Children I think that after this affair she won’t come back to us + next year; you will be doing a good work if you make these last days + bearable to her. You were never intimate with her, but to give her a + friendly word or two will do you no harm and may help her. You 2 have a + high standing in the class; your example will do good. We walked with her + till we reached the school, and because we were there we could not kiss + her hand but Hella said out loud: How sweet you are! She must have heard + it. But Sch. was not at school. Father says he’s glad that the term is + nearly over, for I have been quite crazy about this affair. Still, he + thinks that Hella and I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. But Dora said: + Yes that’s all right but you must not go too far. + </p> + <p> + July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow we are to get our + reports. + </p> + <p> + July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and Verbenowitsch because we + shan’t see Frau Doktor M. any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2 in + History and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. Franke says: Anyone + who is not in Professor Igel-Nigl’s good books can find out that he’s + cranky and stupid and <i>he</i> could never get a one. Father is quite + pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella has three twos. Lizzi, + I think, has 3 or 4. Father has given each of us a 2 crown piece, we can + blow it, he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. + </p> + <p> + July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, its jolly, I’m awfully + pleased; but not until the 20th because Father can’t get away till then + and Mother won’t leave Father so long alone. It is only a few days anyhow. + It’s a pity Hella’s gone already, she left early this morning for Parsch + near Salzburg, what a horrid name and Hella too doesn’t like saying it; I + can’t think how anyone can give a place such a nasty name. They have + rented a house. + </p> + <p> + July 12th. It’s shockingly dull. Nearly every day I have a quarrel with + Dora because she’s so conceited Oswald came home yesterday. He’s fearfully + smart nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head shorter, but then + Father’s tremendously tall. And his voice is quite deep, it was not + before. And he has parted his hair on one side, it suits him very well. He + says his moustache is growing already but it isn’t; one could see it if it + were; five hairs don’t make a moustache. + </p> + <p> + July 19th. Thank goodness we’re going at last the day after to-morrow. + Father wanted Mother to go away with us earlier, but she would not. It + would have been nicer if she had. + </p> + <p> + July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from the Hs. Ada and I spend the + whole day together. There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora’s here, one + she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky Oswald says that Hainfeld bores + him to death and that he shall get a friend to invite him somewhere. + Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays here. His name for Ada + is: “Country Simplicity.” If he only knew how much she knows. Rosa T. he + calls a “Pimple Complex” because she has two or three pimples. Oswald has + some fault to find with every girl he comes across. He says of Dora: She + is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and has cold hands, and he + says of me: You can’t say anything about her yet: “<i>She</i> is still + nothing but an unripe embryo.” Thank goodness I know from the natural + history lessons what an embryo is, a little frog; “I got in a frightful + wax and Father said: Don’t you worry, he’s still a long way from being a + man or he would be more polite to his sisters and their lady friends.” + This annoyed him frightfully, and since then he never says a word when Ada + and Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming soon, thank goodness I shall + be 12 then, only 2 years more and I shall be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote + to me to-day for the second time. In August she is going to Hungary to + stay with her uncle, he has a great estate and she will learn to ride + there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN + </h2> + <p> + SECOND YEAR + </p> + <p> + August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. We drove to Glashutte + where it is lovely; there we cooked our own dinner in the inn for the + landlady was ill and so was the cook. On one’s birthday everyone is always + so nice to one. What I like most of all is the Ebeseder paint-box, and the + book too. But I never have any time to read. Hella sent me a lovely + picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund with two puppies, simply sweet. + When I go home I shall hang it up near the door over the bookcase. Ada + gave me a silk purse which she had worked for me herself. Aunt Dora gave + me a diary, but I can’t use it because I prefer to write upon loose + sheets. Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a great piece of + marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; she didn’t know marzipan before. + </p> + <p> + August 9th. When it’s not holidays Ada goes to school in St. Polten + staying there with her aunt and uncle, because the school in H. is not so + good as the school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to Vienna, + for she has finished with the middle school and has to go on learning. But + she has no near relations in Vienna where she could stay. She might come + to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself as she always wants, + and Ada and I could share a room. I would much rather share a room with + her than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. + </p> + <p> + August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always get what he wants. Oswald + is really going for a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum; only + Oswald of course. I should like to see what would happen if Dora or I + wanted to go anywhere. A boy has a fine time. It’s the injustice of the + thing which makes me furious. For we know for certain that he’s had a <i>bad</i> + report, even though he does not tell us anything about it. But of course + that doesn’t matter. They throw every 2 in our teeth and when he gets + several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. His chum too; he only + got to know Max Rozny this year and he’s a chum already. Hella and I have + been chums since we were in the second in the elementary school and Dora + and Frieda Ertl since they went to the High School. We both gave him a + piece of our mind about friendship. He laughed scornfully and said: That’s + all right, the friendships of <i>men</i> become closer as the years pass, + but the friendships of you girls go up in smoke as soon as the first + admirer turns up. What cheek. Whatever happens Hella and I shall stick to + one another till we’re married, for we want to be married on the same day. + Naturally she will probably get engaged before me but she <i>must</i> wait + for me before she’s married. That’s simply her duty as a friend. + </p> + <p> + August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we had another scene just + before he left because he wanted one of us to go with him to the station + and help carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada wanted to + volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her a nudge and luckily she + understood directly. Sometimes, but only sometimes, when Dora gets in a + wax she is rather like Hella. She thinks it’s better that Oswald has gone + away because otherwise there are always rows. That’s because she always + comes off second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. And when he + wants to make her really angry he says something to her in Latin which she + can’t understand. I think that’s the real reason why she’s learning Latin. + I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing like that. I really + wouldn’t bother. + </p> + <p> + August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, a silver-wire + watchchain; I made it in four days. I hope she’ll get it safely, one can + never be sure in Hungary. + </p> + <p> + August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with Japanese lanterns and fir + garlands. The people who have received birthday honours are illuminating + and decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada told me a <i>few + things</i>. She knows more than Hella and me, because her father is a + doctor. He tells her mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of things + though they generally stop talking when she comes in. Ada would like + awfully to be an actress. I never thought of such a thing though I’ve been + to the theatre often. + </p> + <p> + August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the chain; she is wearing it. + She is really learning to ride at her cousin’s. It’s a pity he’s called + Lajos. But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully nice and + smart, but it’s a pity he’s 22 already. + </p> + <p> + August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. She has often been to + the theatre in St. Polten and she is in love with an actor with whom all + the ladies in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants to be an + actress and so that she can live <i>free and unfettered</i>. That is why + she would like so much to come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live + with us. She says she is pining away in H. for it’s a dull hole. She says + she can’t stand these <i>cramping conditions</i>. In St. Polten she spent + all her pocket money upon flowers for <i>him</i>. She always said that she + had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things for school. That’s where + she’s lucky not to be at home, for I could not easily take in Mother like + that. It would not work. One always has too little pocket money anyhow, + and when one lives at home one’s parents know just what copybooks one has. + I should like to go away from home for a few months. Ada says it is very + good for one, for then one learns to know the world; at home, she says, + one only grows <i>musty</i> and <i>fusty</i>. When she talks like that she + really looks like an actress and she certainly has talent; her German + master at school says so too. She can recite long poems and the girls are + always asking the master to let her recite. + </p> + <p> + August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel’s poem, The Death of Tiberius, it + was splendid; she is a born actress and it’s a horrid shame she can’t go + on the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she says she’s going + on the stage; I expect she will get her way somehow. + </p> + <p> + August 31st. Oswald’s having a fine long fortnight; he’s still there and + can stay till September 4th!! If it had been Dora or me. There would have + been a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do <i>anything</i>. Ada says: + We girls must take for ourselves what the world won’t give us of its own + free will. + </p> + <p> + September 5th. In the forest the other day I promised Ada to ask Mother to + let her come and stay with us so that she could be trained for the stage. + I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out of the question. + Ada’s parents simply could not afford it. If she has talent, the thing + comes of itself and she need only go to a school of Dramatic Art so that + she could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So I don’t see why it + should be so frightfully expensive. I’m awfully sorry for Ada. + </p> + <p> + September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. I’ve got to pack up my + diary because we’re going home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I + can. There have been some gypsies here for three days, and yesterday one + of the women came into the garden through the back gate and looked at our + hands and told our fortunes, mine and Ada’s and Dora’s. Of course we don’t + believe it, but she told Ada that she would have a great but short career + after many difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she made a + frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness awaits me when I am <i>as + old again as I am now</i>; a great passion and great wealth. Of course + that must mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How absurd! Dora says that + I look much younger than 12 so that she meant 20 or even 18. But that’s + just as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so many girls, says I + look <i>older</i> than my age. So that it’s impossible that the old gypsy + woman could have thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora’s fortune was that + in a <i>few</i> years she was to have much trouble and then happiness. And + she told Ada that her line of life was broken!! + </p> + <p> + September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, Father kissed him on both + cheeks and said: For God’s sake be a good chap this last year at school. + He has to matriculate this year, it’s frightfully difficult. But he says + that anyone who has cheek enough can get through all right. He says that + cheek is often more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. I know he’s + right; but unfortunately at the moment it never occurs to me what I ought + to do. I often think afterwards, you ought to have said this or that. + Hella is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she’s not particularly + clever, can always make a smart answer. If only half of what Oswald says + he says to the professors is true, then I can’t understand why he is not + expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald says: If one only puts it in + the right way no one can say anything. But that doesn’t hold always. + </p> + <p> + September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. That’s why I’m writing in the + morning, because she’s coming here in the afternoon. I’m awfully glad. I + have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the kind Hella and I are + both so fond of. + </p> + <p> + September 20th. Only a word or two. School began again to-day. Thank + goodness Frau Doktor M. still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her + doctor’s degree at the end of the school year. In history we have a new + Frau Doktor, but we don’t know her name yet. The Vischer woman has been <i>married</i> + in the holidays!!! It’s enough to make one split with laughing that anyone + should marry <i>her!!!</i> Dora says she wouldn’t like to be her husband; + but most likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles in a woman + are awful. I can put up with a pincenez for one does not wear them all the + time. But spectacles! Dora says too that she can’t understand how a man + can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella often says it makes her feel + quite sick when Vischer glares at her through her spectacles. We have a + new natural history professor. I’m awfully glad that three of our + mistresses have doctors degrees and that we have one or really 2 + professors, for we have the Religionsprofessor too. In the Third they are + frightfully annoyed because only one of their mistresses has a doctor’s + degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three professors. + </p> + <p> + September 25th. All the girls are madly in love with Professor Wilke the + natural history professor. Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the + way home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his head nearly + touches the lamp when he stands up quickly, and a splendid fair beard like + fire when the sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but no one + knows what it means and who we are talking about. + </p> + <p> + September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because of Frl. St.‘s vanity + bag. Two other girls have left and three new one’s have come, but neither + I nor Hella like them. + </p> + <p> + October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History to-day I worked frightfully + hard and <i>He</i> was splendid. We are to look after the pictures and the + animals <i>all through the term</i>. How jolly. Hella and I always wear + the same coloured hair ribbons and in the Nat. Hist. lesson we always put + tissue paper of the same colour on the desk. He wants us to keep + notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound ours in lilac paper, + exactly the same shade as his necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we have to + come to school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how happy I am. + </p> + <p> + October 9th. <i>He</i> is a cousin of our gymnastic master, splendid! This + is how we found it out. We, Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe + Sick because he always has his afternoon coffee there. And on Thursday + when we passed by there before the gymnastic lesson there was the + gymnastic master sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as we passed + and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar said to us: So you two are tormented + and pestered by my cousin in natural history? “Pestered” we said, o no, + it’s the most delightful lesson in the whole week. “Is that so?” said he, + “I won’t forget to let him know.” Of course we begged and prayed him not + to give us away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope he will. + </p> + <p> + October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner’s mother is dead. We are so sorry for + her. Some of us are going to the funeral, I mayn’t go, Mother says it is + not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I wonder if <i>He</i> + will go? I’m sure he will, for really he <i>has</i> to. + </p> + <p> + October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully pale. Franke says she will + certainly get married soon now that both her parents are dead. Her fiance + often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for her in L. Street. + Hella thinks an awful lot of him of course, because he’s an officer. I + don’t think much of him myself, he’s too short and too fat. He’s only a + very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband should be nearly a head + taller than his wife, or at least half a head taller, like our Father and + Mother. + </p> + <p> + October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of work to do that we’re not + taking season tickets this winter, but are going to pay each time when we + go skating. I wish we knew whether <i>He</i> skates, and where. Hella + thinks that with great caution we might find out from his cousin during + the gymnastic lesson. They are often together in the Cafe. I should like + to know what they talk about, they are always laughing such a lot, + especially when we go by. + </p> + <p> + October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is <i>awfully</i> unhappy. She is + back in St. P., in a continuation school. But the actor is not there any + more. She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains which lie heavy + on her soul. Poor darling. No one can help her. That is, her Mother could + help her but she won’t. It must be awful. Hella thinks that her parents + will not allow her to go on the stage until she has tried to do herself a + mischief; then things may be better. It’s quite true, what can her mother + be thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy Ada is. After all, why + on earth shouldn’t she go on the stage when she has so much talent? All + her mistresses and masters at the middle school praised her reciting + tremendously and one of them said in so many words that she had <i>great + dramatic talent</i>. Masters don’t flatter one; except . . .; first of all + <i>He</i> is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and secondly <i>He</i> + is quite, quite different from all others When he strokes his beard I + become quite hot and cold with extasy. And the way he lifts up his coat + tails as he sits down. It’s lovely, I do want to kiss him. Hella and I + take turns to put our penholder on his desk so that <i>he</i> can hallow + it with his hand as he writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic lesson when I + write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks back at me and we + both know what the other is thinking of. + </p> + <p> + November 15th. It’s a holiday to-day so at last I can write once more. We + have such a frightful lot to do that I simply can’t manage to write. + Besides Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for the last 4 + days. It’s awfully dull and dreary. Of course I had time to write those + days, but then I didn’t want to write. As soon as Mother is well again + she’s going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on I’m awfully glad + because of S.G. + </p> + <p> + November 28th. Mother came to school to-day and saw him too. I took her to + him and he was heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your daughter; + she’s very keen and clever. Then he turned over the pages of his notebook + as if to look at his notes. But really he knows by heart how we all work. + That is not <i>all</i> of course. That would be impossible with so many + girls; and he teaches in the science school as well where there are even + more boys than we are. + </p> + <p> + December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold Fairy. She is awfully pretty, + but I really don’t think her so lovely as I did last year. Hella says she + never could think what had happened to my eyes. “You were madly in love + with her and you never noticed that she has a typical Bohemian nose,” said + Hella. Of course that’s not true, but now my taste is <i>quite different</i>. + Still, I said how d’you do to her and she was very nice. When she speaks + she is really charming, and I do love her gold stoppings. Frau Doktor M. + has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. + </p> + <p> + December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her silly jokes to herself. When + the Trobisch’s were all here to-day they were talking about the school and + she said: “Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; last year it was Frau + Doktor Malburg and this year it’s Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor Malburg has + fallen from grace now.” If I had wanted to I could have begun about the + two students on the ice. But I’m not like that so I merely looked at her + with contempt and gave her a kick under the table. And she had the cheek + to say: “What’s the matter? Oh, of course these tender secrets of the + heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, it does not matter at your + age, for things don’t cut deep.” But she was rightly paid out: Frau von + Tr. and Father roared with laughter and Frau v. Tr. said: “Why, + grandmother, have you been looking at your white hair in the glass?” Oh, + how I did laugh, and she was so frightfully put out that she blushed like + fire, and in the evening <i>she</i> said to <i>me</i> that I was an + ill-mannered pig. That’s why I did not tell her that she’d left her + composition book on the table and to-morrow she has to give it in. It’s + all the same to <i>me</i>, for I’m an ill-mannered pig. + </p> + <p> + December 9th. It’s awful. At 2 o’clock this afternoon Hella was taken to + the Low sanatorium and was operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother + has just telephoned that the operation has been successful. But the + doctors said that 2 hours later it would have been too late. My knees are + trembling and my hand shakes as I write. She has not slept off the + anisthetic yet. + </p> + <p> + December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one can see her except her + father and mother, not even Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a jolly + time and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves sick. But + its impossible that she got appendicitis from that. On Monday evening, + when we were going home after the gym lesson, she said she did not feel at + all well. The night before last she had a rigor and the first thing in the + morning the doctor said that she must go to hospital at once for an + operation. + </p> + <p> + December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully excited about + Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was awfully nice and put off mathematics till next + Tuesday. On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does want to see me so and + so do I want to see her. + </p> + <p> + December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn’t care about anything; I + got her mother to take some roses and violets from me, she did like them + so much. + </p> + <p> + December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella from two until a quarter to + 4. She is so pale and when I came in we both cried such a lot. I brought + her some more flowers and I told her directly that when he sees me Prof. + W. always asks after her. So do the other members of the staff especially + Frau Doktor M. The girls want to visit her but her mother won’t let them. + When anyone is lying in bed they look quite different, like strangers. I + said so to Hella, and she said: We can never be strangers to one another, + not even in death. Then I burst out crying again and both our mothers said + I must go away because it was too exciting for Hella. + </p> + <p> + December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. She passed me a little note + asking me to get from her locker the parcel with the blotting-book for her + father and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her because the + things are not ready yet for Christmas. + </p> + <p> + December 16th. Hella’s better to-day. I’ve got to paint the blotting-book + for her father. Thank goodness I can. She’ll be able to finish the key + basket herself, that’s nothing. + </p> + <p> + December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully unhappy for it won’t be a + real Christmas if Hella has to stay in hospital over Christmas. But + perhaps she will for since yesterday she has not been so well, the doctors + can’t make out why she suddenly had fever once more. For she didn’t let on + that I had brought her some burnt almonds because she’s so awfully fond of + them. But now I’m so terribly frightened that she’ll have to have another + operation. + </p> + <p> + December 19th. Directly after school I went to see Hella again for I had + been so anxious I could not sleep all night. Thank goodness she’s better. + One of the doctors said that if she’d been in a private house he would + have felt sure it was an error in diet, but since she was in hospital that + could be excluded. So it was from the burnt almonds and the two sticks of + marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for they were large ones at 20 + hellers each because nuts lie heavy on the stomach. She had a pain already + while I was still there, but she wouldn’t say anything about it because it + was her fault that I’d brought her the sweets. She can beg as much as she + likes now, I shan’t bring her anything but flowers, and they can’t make + her ill. Of course it would be different if it were true about the + “Vengeance of Flowers.” But that’s all nonsense, and besides I don’t bring + any strong-scented flowers. + </p> + <p> + December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday Hella can come home, in + time for the Christmas tree. Now I know what to give her, a long chair, + Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself but Father will + give me as much as I want. Oh there’s no one like Father! To-morrow he’s + going to take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. + </p> + <p> + December 21st. I was only a very short time with Hella to-day because + Father came to fetch me soon. At first she was a little hurt, but then she + saw that we had important business so she said: All right as long as it is + not anything made of marzipan. That nearly gave us both away. For when we + were in the street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that about marzipan? + So I said quickly: Since she’s been ill she has a perfect loathing for + sweets. Thank goodness Father didn’t notice anything. But I do hate having + to tell fibs to Father. First of all I always feel that he’ll see through + it, and secondly anyhow I don’t like telling fibs to him. The couch is + lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the round bolster. Father + wanted to pay for it altogether, but I said: No, then it would not be my + present, and so I paid five crowns and Father 37. To-morrow early it will + be sent to the Bruckners. + </p> + <p> + December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. She has already been up a + little, but she is still so weak that she has to lean on someone when she + walks. She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says in a hospital + one always feels as if one was going to die. She’s quite right. The first + time I went to see her I nearly burst out crying on the stairs. And + afterwards we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother knows about the + couch, but it has not been sent yet. I do hope they won’t forget about it + at the shop. + </p> + <p> + December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her father carried her upstairs + while I held her hand. The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to + congratulate her and the old privy councillor on the second story and his + wife sent down a great pot of lilac. She was so tired that I came away at + 5 o’clock so that she could rest. To-morrow I’m going to their Christmas + tree first and then to ours. Because of Hella the Br’s are going to have + the present giving at 5 o’clock, we shall have ours as usual at 7. + </p> + <p> + December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I simply could not write a + word. It was lovely here and at Hella’s. I shan’t write down all the + things I got, because I’ve no time, and besides I know anyhow. Hella was + awfully pleased with the couch, her father carried her into the room and + laid her on the sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It’s certainly + awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, when everyone takes care + of one, and when no one denies you the first place. I don’t grudge it to + Hella. She’s such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, and after + dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: Open the drawer of my + writing-table, the lowest one on the right, and you’ll find my diary there + if you want to read it. I shall never forget it! It’s true that we agreed + we would let one another read our diaries, but we’ve never done it yet; + after all we’re a little shy of one another, and besides after a long time + one can’t remember exactly what one has written. What she writes is always + quite short, never more than half a page, but what she writes is always + important. Of course she couldn’t sleep but instead I had to read her a + lot of things out of her diary, especially the holidays when she was in + Hungary. She was made much of there. By two cadets and her two cousins. We + laughed so madly over some things that it hurt Hella’s wound and I had to + stop reading. + </p> + <p> + December 29th. We were put in such a frightful rage yesterday. This is how + it happened. It is a long time since we both gave up playing with dolls + and things of that sort but when I was rummaging in Hella’s box I came + across the dolls’ things; they were quite at the bottom where Hella never + looked at them. I took out the little Paris model and she said: Give it + here and bring all the things that belong to it. I arranged them all on + her bed and we were trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and Dora came. + When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful look and said: Ah, at their + favourite occupation: look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite red with + excitement over their play. Wasn’t it impertinent. We playing with dolls! + Even if we had been, what business was it of hers to make fun of us? Hella + was in a frightful rage and to-day she said: “One is never safe from + spies; please put all those things away in the box so that I shan’t see + them any more.” It really is too stupid that one should always be + reproached about dolls as if it was something disgraceful. After all, one + doesn’t really understand until later how all the things are made; when + one is 7 or 8 or still more when one is quite a little girl and one first + gets dolls, one does not understand whether they are pretty and nicely + dressed or not. Still, to-day we’ve done with dolls for ever. A good day + to turn over a new leaf, for the day after to-morrow is New Year’s Day. + </p> + <p> + But what annoys me most of all was this piece of cheek of Dora’s; she says + that Lizzi said: “We used to delight in those things at one time,” but I + was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to eat all the best things + off the Christmas tree on the sly!!! I saw it myself, <i>that</i> is + nothing. <i>That’s</i> quite fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper + yesterday I asked: But what’s become of the second marzipan sandwich, I’m + sure there were two on the tree. And I looked at her steadily till she got + quite red. And after a time I said: the big basket of vegetables is gone + too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don’t need to ask your permission. + As for the sandwich, Oswald took that. I was in such a temper, and then + Father said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your wrath with the second + sandwich and wash it down with a sip of liqueur. For Grandfather sent + Father a bottle of liqueur. + </p> + <p> + December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. I’ve no interest in the + school any longer. We’re silly little fools, love-sick and forward minxes. + That’s all the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday and Friday to + the school at half past 8 to arrange everything and dust everything and + then he can say a thing like that. I shall never write <i>he</i> with a + big h again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow it all, choke it + down, for I simply must not excite Hella. It made me frightfully angry + when Mother told me, but still I’m glad for I know what line to take now. + Mother was paying a call yesterday and the sister of our gymnastic master, + who is at the —— High School, happened to be there, and she + told Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed because the girls in + the high school are so forward. Such silly little fools, and the little + minxes begin it already in the First Class. <i>For that reason he prefers + to teach</i> boys, they are fond of him too but they don’t make themselves + such an <i>infernal nuisance</i>. Well, now that I know <i>I</i> shant + make myself a nuisance to him any more. On Friday, when the next lesson + is, I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the things into the + class-room without saying a word. And I shall tell Kalinsky too that we’re + such an <i>infernal nuisance</i> to him. Just fancy, as if <i>we</i> were + in the First Class! + </p> + <p> + January 1st, 19—. This business with Prof. W. makes me perfectly + furious. Hella kept on asking yesterday what was the matter, said I seemed + different somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep it in. I must + keep it in for the sake of her health, even if it makes me ill. Anyway + what use is life now. Since people are so falsehearted. He always looked + so awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way in which he asked + how Hella was and all the time he was so false!!! If Hella only knew. Aha, + to-morrow! + </p> + <p> + January 2nd. I treated him <i>abominably</i>. Knocked at the door—Good-morning, + Herr Prof. please what do we want for the lesson to-day? He very civilly: + Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of a Christmas did you have—I: + Thank you, much as usual.—He turned round and stared at me: It does + not seem to have been; to judge from your manner. —I: There are + quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He may well say O-o-h! For he has + not the least idea that I know the way in which he speaks of us. + </p> + <p> + January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She’s + much better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month. I + <i>must</i> tell her before that or she’ll get a shock. Yesterday she + asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?—Oh yes, I fibbed, but + not so often as before. And she said: That’s the way it goes, out of sight + out of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan’t + tell her until she’s quite strong. + </p> + <p> + January 10th. I’ve had to tell Hella already. She was talking so + enthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said: + What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange the + things any more?—I: <i>Allowed</i>? Of course I’m <i>allowed</i>, + but I don’t <i>want</i> to any more. I did not tell Hella <i>how</i> bad I + feel about it; for I really <i>was</i> madly in love with him. + </p> + <p> + January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rather + must be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upset + that her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had pains + and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she’s got over it like me. + She said to-day: Don’t let’s bother ourselves about it any more. We wasted + our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such moments she is + magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides in the + holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. Before + I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller than me. Dora + is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is. Thank + goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2. + </p> + <p> + Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is going to + take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks. + </p> + <p> + January 18th. It’s horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise, + since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again. Her + mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginning of + February. + </p> + <p> + January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she went + away, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She’s awfully nice, + though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sit + together. For it’s horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a good deal + already. She would not talk about it at first because it so often leads to + trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He’s rather a swell and is + called Paul. + </p> + <p> + January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowed + to go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, + one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 other + girls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he’s going into the army, the + flying corps. That’s even more select than being on the general staff. Her + father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to the military + academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is to choose for + himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boys want to be + what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into the Navy. I wish I + knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: Good God, I’m not + doing it on my own account. I’m only doing it because of Oswald. The two + girls won’t get much out of it. + </p> + <p> + February 3rd. I’ve just been reading what I wrote about Father. I am + wondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win the + great prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Dora + and I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswald + only. + </p> + <p> + February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn’t + know; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us. But it + must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in the evening + that I had asked. I can’t endure these secrets. Why shouldn’t we know that + Father’s going to buy a house. Fritzi’s grandfather has a house in Brunn + and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressed and her mother + too. + </p> + <p> + February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming back to-morrow, just before + her birthday. Luckily she can eat everything again so I am giving her a + huge bag of Viktor Schmid’s sweets with a silver sugar tongs. Mother and I + are going to meet Hella at the station. They are coming by the 8.20. + </p> + <p> + February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming to-day. I nearly could not + meet her because Mother is not very well to-day. But Father’s going to + take me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow afternoon, but she + can’t. She’s an awfully nice girl and her brother is too, but on the first + day Hella is back we must be alone together. She said so too in the last + letter she wrote me. She’s been away more than 3 weeks. It’s a frightfully + long time when you are fond of one another. + </p> + <p> + February 15th. I simply can’t write my diary because Hella and I spend all + our free time together. Yesterday we got our reports. Of course Hella has + not got one. Except in Geography and History I have nothing but Ones, even + in Natural History although since New Year I have not done any work in + that subject. I detest Natural History. When Hella comes back to school we + are going to ask the <i>sometime</i> S. G. to relieve us from the labours + of looking after the things. Hella is still too weak to do it. Hella is 13 + already and Father says she is going to be wonderfully pretty. <i>Going to + be</i>, Father says; but she’s lovely already. She’s been burned as brown + as a berry by the warm southern sun, and it really suits <i>her</i>, + though only her. I can’t stand other people when they are sun-burned. But + really everything suits Hella; when she was so pale in hospital, she was + lovely; and now she is just as lovely, only in quite a different way. + Oswald is quite right when he says: You can measure a girl’s beauty by the + degree in which she bears being sunburned without losing her good looks. + He really used to say that in the holidays simply to annoy Dora and me, + but he’s quite right all the same. + </p> + <p> + February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. They were all awfully + nice to Hella, and Frau Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her arm round + her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today was the Natural + History lesson. We knocked at the door and when we went in Prof. W. said: + Ah I’m glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you don’t give us all + another fright. How are you? Hella said: “Quite well, thank you, Herr + Prof.” And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious face and he + said: It seems to me that you’ve caught your friend’s ill humour.—Hella: + “Herr Prof., you are really too kind, but we don’t want to trouble you. + What things have we to take to the class-room? And then we beg leave to + resign our posts, for I don’t feel strong enough for the work.” She said + this in quite a soldierly way, the way she is used to hear her father + speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked at us and said: “All + right, two of the other pupils will take it over.” We don’t know whether + he really noticed nothing or simply did not wish to show that he had + noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so awfully sorry; for it was the + last time, the very last time. + </p> + <p> + February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got <i>Unsatisfactory</i>. I + was not being questioned, but when Klaiber could not answer anything I + laughed, and he said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. But + since I had been thinking of something quite different I did not know what + it was all about, and so I got an Unsatisfactory. <i>Before</i> of course + that would not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and Franke did all + they could to console me and said: “That does not matter, it wasn’t an + examination; he’ll <i>have</i> to examine you properly later.” Anyhow + Franke thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off if he gives + me a Satisfactory. She says no professor can forget <i>such a defeat</i>. + For we told her about the silly little fools. She said, indeed, that we + had made it too obvious. That’s not really true. But now she takes our + side, for she sees that we were in the right. Verbenowitsch and Bennari + bring in the things now. They are much better suited for it. Hella’s + father did not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter or the + maidservant are there for that—we never see them all the year round, + that’s a fine thing. + </p> + <p> + March 8th. Easter does not come this year until April 16th. I am going + with the Bruckners to Cilli, outside the town there they have a vineyard + with a country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully glad. All the + flowers begin to come out there at the end of March or beginning of April. + </p> + <p> + March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met a gentleman to-day, very + fashionably dressed with gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair moustache. + Hella blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat and said: Ah, + Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking very well. How are you? He never + looked at me, and when he had gone she said: “That was Dr. Fekete, who + assisted at my operation.”—“And you tell me <i>that</i> now for the + first time?” Then she put on an innocent air and said: “Of course, we’ve + never met him before,” but I said: “I don’t mean <i>that</i>. If you knew + how red you got you would not tell me a lie.” Then she said: “What am I + telling you a lie about? Do you think I’m in love with him? Not in the + very least.”—But when one is <i>not</i> in love one does not blush + like that. Anyhow I shan’t tell everything now either; I can hold my + tongue too. + </p> + <p> + March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another so much as usual; I + especially was very silent. When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been + doing the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and brought me some + lovely violets, so of course I forgave her. This is really the first time + we’ve ever quarrelled. First she wanted to bring me some sweets, but then + she decided upon violets, and I think that was much more graceful. One + gives sweets to a little child when it has hurt itself or been in a + temper. But flowers are not for a child. + </p> + <p> + March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all terribly upset. None of us + were very intimate with her, but now that she is dead we all remember that + she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following rheumatic + fever. We all attended her funeral, except Hella who was not allowed to + come. Her mother cried like anything and her grandmother still more; her + father cried too. We sent a wreath of white roses with a lovely + inscription: Death has snatched you away in the flower of your youth—Your + Schoolfellows. + </p> + <p> + I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not see Frieda Belay after + she was dead, but Franke was there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. + She says she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In the church + Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother was buried only a month ago + and now she was reminded of it all and was frightfully upset. I cried a + lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was because I was thinking + she might have died last Dec. But that wasn’t it, I don’t think about that + sort of thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully sad. + </p> + <p> + March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I can’t go to Cilli with Hella. + Her mother was at her cousin’s, and when she heard that she was going to + Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with her. That is, she + didn’t ask straight out, but kept on hinting until Hella’s mother said: + Let Melanie come with us, it will help to set her up after her illness. In + the winter she had congestion of the lung. Hella and I can’t bear her + because she’s always spying on us and is so utterly false. So of course I + can’t go. Hella says too she’s frightfully sorry, but when <i>she</i> is + about we could never say a word about anything, it would drive us crazy. + She quite agrees that I had better not come. But oh I’m so annoyed for + first of all I do so like going away with Hella and secondly I should like + to go away in the holidays anyhow for nearly all the girls in our class + are going away. Still, there’s nothing to be done. Hella’s mother says she + can’t see why we can’t all 3 go though it simply would not work. But we + can’t explain it to her. Hella is so poetical and she says “A beautiful + dream vanished.” + </p> + <p> + In Hella’s mouth such fine words sound magnificent, but when Dora uses + such expressions they annoy me frightfully because they don’t come from + her heart. + </p> + <p> + March 26th. The school performances finish today with Waves of the Sea and + Waves of Love. I’m awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write anything + about that. For anyhow the play is written by a poet and one can read it + if one wants to, and one just sees the rest anyhow. I can’t make out what + Dora finds such a lot to scribble about always the day after we’ve been to + the theatre. I expect she’s in love with one of the actors and that’s why + she writes such a lot. Besides we in the second class did not get tickets + for all the performances, but only the girls from the Fourth upwards. + Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow for we often go in the evening + and on Sunday afternoons. But unfortunately I mayn’t go in the evening as + a rule. + </p> + <p> + March 29th. To-day something horrible happened to Dora and me. I simply + can’t write it down. She was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the + Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened when she was travelling + with Mother on February 15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing + to see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there was only one + gentleman in the carriage, Mother always travels second class. She and + Mother were sitting together and the gentleman was standing farther down + the carriage where Mother could not see him but Dora could. And as Dora + was looking he opened his cloak and — — —! just what the + man did to-day at the house door. And when they got out of the train + Dora’s boa got stuck in the door and she had to turn round though she did + not want to, and then she saw again — — —! She simply + could not sleep for a whole month afterwards. I remember that time when + she could not sleep but I did not know why it was. She never told anyone + except Erika and the same thing happened to her once. Dora says that + happens at least once to nearly every girl; and that such men are “<i>abnormal</i>.” + I don’t really know what that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps + Hella will know. Of course I did not really look, but Dora shivered and + said: “And <i>that</i> is what one has to endure.” And then, when we were + talking it over she said to me that <i>that</i> was why Mother was ill and + because she has had five children; Then I was very silly and said: “But + how from <i>that</i>? one does not get children from that?” “Of course,” + she said, “I thought you knew that already. That time there was such a row + with Mali about the waistband, I thought you and Hella had heard all about + everything.” Then I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for + instead of telling her what I really knew I said: “Oh, yes, I knew all + about it except just that.” Then she burst out laughing and said: “After + all, what you and Hella know doesn’t amount to much.” And in the end she + told me a <i>little</i>. If it’s really as Dora says, then she is right + when she says it is better not to marry. One can fall in love, one must + fall in love, but one can just break off the engagement. Well, that’s the + best way out of the difficulty for then no one can say that you’ve never + had a man in love with you. We walked up and down in front of the school + for such a long time that we were very nearly late and only got in just as + the bell rang. On the way home I told Hella the awful thing we’d seen the + man do. She does not know either what “abnormal” really means <i>as far as + this is concerned</i>. But now we shall use it as an expression for + something horrible. Of course no one will understand us. And then Hella + told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . was walking through the + streets <i>like that</i> and was arrested. She says <i>too</i> that one + can never forget seeing anything like <i>that</i>. Perhaps the man this + morning was drunk too. But he didn’t look as if he were drunk. And if he + hadn’t done <i>that</i> one would really have taken him for a fine + gentleman. Hella knows too that it is from <i>that</i> that one gets + children. She explained it all to me and now I can quite understand that + <i>that</i> must make one ill. Yesterday it was after 11 at night and so + I’m finishing to-day. Hella says: <i>That</i> is the original sin, and <i>that</i> + is the sin which Adam and Eve committed. Before I had always believed the + original sin was something quite different. But that—that. Since + yesterday I’ve been so upset I always seem to be seeing <i>that</i>; + really I did not look at all, but I must have seen it all the same. + </p> + <p> + March 30th. I don’t know why, but in the history lesson to-day it all came + into my head once more what Dora had said of Father. But I really can’t + believe it. Because of Father I’m really sorry that I know it. Perhaps it + does not all happen the way Dora and Hella say. Generally I can trust + Hella, but of course she may be mistaken. + </p> + <p> + April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She is quite different now from + what she used to be. One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. Only + common people say P—. Or one can say one’s <i>like that</i>. Dora + has had M— since August before last, and it is horribly + disagreeable, because men always know. That is why at the High School we + have only three men professors and all the other teachers are women. Now + Dora often does not have M— and then sometimes it’s awfully bad, and + that’s why she’s anemic. That men always know, that’s frightfully + interesting. + </p> + <p> + April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. Dora certainly knows more + than I do, that is not more but better. But she isn’t quite + straightforward all the same. When I asked her how she got to know about + it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she said: “Oh, I don’t know; one + finds it all out somehow; one need only use one’s eyes and one’s ears, and + then one can reason things out a little.” But seeing and hearing don’t + take one very far. I’ve always kept my eyes open and I’m not so stupid as + all that. One must be told by some one, one <i>can’t</i> just happen upon + it by oneself. + </p> + <p> + April 6th. I don’t care about paying visits now. We used always to like + going to see the Richters, but to-day I found it dull. Now I know why Dora + hates going second class on the Metropolitan. I always thought it was only + to spite me because I like travelling second. She never likes going second + since <i>that</i> happened. It seems one is often unjust to people who + never meant what one thought. But why did she not tell me the truth? She + says because I was still a child then. That’s all right, but what about + this winter when I was cross because we went Third class to Schonbrunn; I + really believed she did it to annoy me, for I could not believe she was + afraid that in the second class, where one is often alone, somebody would + suddenly attack her with a knife. But now I understand quite well, for of + course she could not tell Mother the truth and Father still less. And in + winter and spring there are really often no passengers to speak of on the + Metropolitan, especially on the Outer Circle. + </p> + <p> + April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters yesterday we, + especially I, had been frightfully dull and stupid. Why had we kept on + exchanging glances? We had been most unmannerly. If she had only known + what we were thinking of when Frau Richter said, the weather to-day is <i>certainly + quite abnormal</i>; we have not had such <i>abnormal</i> heat for years. + And then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about his brother who had + spent the whole winter at Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my brother is a + little <i>abnormal</i>, I think he’s got a tile loose in the upper storey, + I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau R. helped us once more to a + tremendous lot of cake and I was able to lean well forward over my plate. + And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton and just as if I never + had any cake at home. So Mother was <i>very</i> unjust to me, for the cake + had nothing at all to do with it. Dora says too that I must learn to + control myself better, that if I only watch her I’ll soon learn. That’s + all very well, but why should one have to bother? If people did not use + words that really mean something quite different then other people would + not have to control themselves. Still, I must learn to do it somehow. + </p> + <p> + April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite early, at half past 8, + they telephoned from the school that Dora had suddenly been taken ill in + the Latin lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother drove down + directly in a taxi and I went with her because anyhow my lessons began at + 9 and we found Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting by her + and the head’s friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, who is a medical doctor, and + they had loosened her dress and put a cold compress on her head for she + had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That’s the third time this year, + so she must really have anemia. I wanted to drive home with her, but + Mother and Frau Dr. P. said I’d better just go to my lessons. And as I + went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: “That’s a fine healthy girl, a jolly + little fellow.” Really one should only use that word of boys and men, but + I suppose she has got into the way of using it through being with men so + much. If one studies medicine one has to learn all about <i>that</i> and + to look at everything. It must be really horrid. + </p> + <p> + Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too that she’s anemic. + To-morrow or the day after Mother is going to take her to see a + specialist. Dora says it’s a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can’t + hear what people are saying and one feels quite weak and then one does not + know anything more. I wonder if I shall ever faint? Very likely when + — — — We talked a lot about everything we are interested + in. In the afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and she thinks she + looks awfully pretty in bed, an interesting invalid and at the same time + so distinguished looking. It’s quite true, we all look distinguished. + </p> + <p> + April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother’s <i>wedding day</i>. Now I know <i>what</i> + that really means. Dora says it can’t really be true that it is the most + lovely day in one’s life, as everyone says it is, especially the poets. + She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed because after all + everyone knows. . . . That’s quite true, but after all one need not tell + anyone which one’s wedding day is. Dora says she will never tell her + children which her wedding day is. But it would be a great pity if parents + always did that for then in every family there would be one anniversary + the less. And the more anniversaries there are, the jollier it is. + </p> + <p> + April 10th. To-morrow I’m going with Father to Salzburg. Dora can’t come, + for they think she might faint in the train. I’m rather glad really, + though I’ve nothing against her and I’m sorry for her, but it’s much nicer + to go with Father alone. It’s a long time since I was in Salzburg. I’m so + awfully glad to go. Our spring coats and skirts are so pretty, dark green + with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and light brown straw + hats with daisies for the spring and later we shall have cherries or + roses. I’m taking my diary so that I can write everything which <i>interests</i> + me. + </p> + <p> + April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father says I ground my + teeth frightfully and was very restless: but I did not know anything about + it. We had a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when there was + a gentleman there. Hella did not come with us, because her aunt, who has + just been married, is coming to visit them. Really I’m quite glad, for I + like so much being with Father quite alone. This afternoon we were in + Hellbrunn and at the Rock Theatre. It is wonderful. + </p> + <p> + April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! But I don’t much like it + when other people are there. To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The weather + was lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive a view it + always makes me feel sad. Because there are so many people one does not + know who perhaps are very nice. I should like to be always travelling. It + would be splendid. + </p> + <p> + April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was writing a letter to + Mother and he let me go to see the salt works; I don’t know how it + happened, but suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, in a place + I did not know. Then an old gentleman asked me what I was looking for; + because I had walked past the same place 3 times and I said we were + staying in the “Zur Post Hotel” and I did not know how to find my way + back. So he came with me to show me and as we were talking it came out + that he had known Father at the university. So he came in with me and + Father was awfully glad to see him. He is a barrister in Salzburg but he + has a grey beard already. As he was going away he said in an undertone to + Father: “I congratulate you old chap on your daughter; she’ll be something + quite out of the ordinary!” He whispered it really, but I heard all the + same. We spent all the afternoon with him at the Kapuzinerberg. There was + a splendid military band; two young officers in the Yagers who were + sitting at the next table to ours kept on looking our way; one was + particularly handsome. My new summer coat and skirt is awfully becoming + everyone says. Father says too: “I say, you’ll soon be a young lady! But + don’t grow up too quickly!” I can’t make out why he said that; I should + like to be quite grown up; but it will be a long time yet. + </p> + <p> + April 14th. It’s been raining all day. How horrid. One can’t go anywhere. + All the morning we were walking about the town and saw several churches. + Then we were at the pastrycook’s, where I ate 4 chocolate eclairs and 2 + tartlets. So I had no appetite for dinner. + </p> + <p> + April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. Gratzl sent up the hotel + clerk to ask us to dinner. We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. + He has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three years ago. One of + the sons is a student in Graz and the other is a lieutenant in the army; + he is engaged to be married. The daughters are quite old already; one of + them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is horrid. The youngest (!!!) is + 24. It is so funny to say “the youngest” and then she is 24. Father says + she is very pretty and will certainly get married At 24!! when she’s not + even engaged yet; I don’t believe she will. They have a large garden, 3 + dogs and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There are steps leading + up and down from room to room, it is lovely, and all the windows are + bow-windows. Everything is so old-fashioned, even the furniture I do think + it’s all so pretty. The hall is round like a church. After tea we had + candied fruits, stewed fruit, and pastries. I had a huge go of stewed + fruit. They have a gramaphone and then Leni and I played the piano. Just + as we were going away Fritz, the student, came in; he got quite red and in + the hall Dr. Gratzl said to me: “You’ve made a conquest to-day.” I don’t + really believe I have, but I do like hearing it said. I’m sorry to say we + are going away to-morrow, for we are going to stay 2 days in Linz with + Uncle Theodor whom I don’t know. + </p> + <p> + April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt Lina is old too. Still, + they are both awfully nice. I did not know them before. We are staying + with them. In the evening their son and his wife came. They are my + cousins, and they brought their little girl with them; I am really a sort + of aunt of hers. It’s awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only 12 and + 3/4 and when one’s niece is 9. To-day we went walking along the Danube. It + only rained very gently and not all the time. + </p> + <p> + April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course we have sent a lot of + picture postcards to Mother and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald too. + He came home for Easter. I don’t know whether he will still be there + to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + April 22nd. We’ve begun school again. Dora and I generally walk to school + together since she does not go to the Latin lesson now because it was too + great a strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see wanted her + to give up studying altogether, but she absolutely refuses to do that. But + I’m very furious with her; she’s learning Latin in secret. When I came + into the room the day before yesterday she was writing out words and she + shut her book quickly instead of saying openly and honestly: Rita, don’t + tell Father and Mother that I’m still studying in the evening: “I trust + your word.” She could trust me perfectly well. There are plenty of things + I could tell if I liked! Perhaps she fancies that I don’t see that the + tall fair man always follows us to school in the morning. Hella has + noticed him too, besides he is frightfully bald and must be at least 30. + And I’m certain she would not talk as much as she does to Hella and me if + it were not that she wants to talk about <i>that</i>. But this + deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise we are now quite intimate + with one another. + </p> + <p> + April 24th. We went to confession and communion to-day. I do hate + confession; though it’s never happened to me what many girls have told me, + even girls in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the 6th + commandment; all they’ve asked is: In thought, word, or deed? Still, I do + hate going to confession, and so does Dora. It’s much nicer for Hella as a + Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion I’m always + terrified that the host might drop out of my mouth. That would be awful. I + expect one would be immediately excommunicated as a heretic. Dora was not + allowed to come to confession and com., Father would not let her. She must + not go out without her breakfast. + </p> + <p> + April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who dropped the host out + of her mouth. There was a frightful row about it. She said it was not her + fault the priest’s hand shook so. It’s quite true, he was very old, and + that is why I’m always afraid it will happen to me. It’s much better when + the priest is young, because then that can never happen. Father says that + the girl won’t be excommunicated for this, and luckily one of her uncles + is a distinguished prelate. He is her guardian too. That will help her + out. + </p> + <p> + April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in the interval. She is + awfully nice and she says she really did not do it on purpose for she is + frightfully pious and perhaps she’s going to be a nun. I am pious too, we + go to church nearly every Sunday, but I would not go into a convent, not + I. Dora says people generally do that when they’ve been crossed in love, + because then the world seems empty and hateful. She looked so frightfully + sentimental that I said: Seems to me you’ve a fancy that way yourself? + Then she said: “No, thank goodness, I’ve no reason for that.” Of course + what she meant was that she was not crossed in love but the other way. No + doubt the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at her for a long time + and said: “I congratulate you on your good fortune. But Hella and I wish + he was not bald,” then she said with an astonished air: “Bald? What are + you talking about, he has the lofty brow of a thinker.” + </p> + <p> + 27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. I have forgotten to say + that Dora has to go out every day for two hours to sit and walk in the + sunshine. Since Mother is not very well and can’t walk much, we’ve engaged + the Mad. Father says that when I have time I must go too “as a + precautionary measure.” I don’t like the idea at all, it’s much too dull; + besides I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week, Mondays, + Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I have + my music lesson, so I can’t go; so Finis and Jubilation! That’s what + Oswald always says at the end of the year and at the end of term. Still, + she’s very pretty, has fair curly hair, huge grey eyes with black lashes + and eyebrows, but she speaks so fast that I can’t understand all she says. + On the other 3 days an Englishwoman is to come, but we have not got one + yet, they are all so expensive. It does seem funny to me to get a salary + for going out with <i>grown up girls</i>, that’s only an amusement. With + regular tomboys, such as we saw last year in Rathaus Park, it would be + different. As for the French or English conversation! If they did not want + to talk what would it matter? And besides why should one want to talk + either French or English, it’s so stupid. + </p> + <p> + April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and the eldest son came too, + the lieutenant from Lemberg; he is awfully handsome and made hot love to + Dora; Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry in Modling; + to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring Dora one of Tolstoi’s books to + read. Then they will do some music together, she piano and he violin; it’s + a pity I can’t play as well as Dora yet. At Whitsuntide Walter is coming + too and Viktor (that means conqueror) is on furlough for 6 months, because + he’s ill, or because he is said to be ill; for one does not look like <i>that</i> + when one is really ill. + </p> + <p> + May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he must be frightfully + smitten with Dora. But Father won’t have it at any price. He said to Dora + to-day: + </p> + <p> + “You get this gay young spark out of your head; he is no good. But at + sight of a uniform there is no holding you girls. I’ve no objection to you + doing music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual running to and + fro with books and notes is all humbug.” + </p> + <p> + May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is with Dora, to school every + day. He is supposed to lie in bed late every morning, for he is really ill + but for Dora’s sake he gets up frightfully early and comes over from + Heitzing and waits in —— Street. Of course I go on alone with + Hella and we all meet In —— Street, so that no one shall + notice anything at school. + </p> + <p> + May 13th. To-morrow is Mother’s birthday and Viktor (when I am talking + about him to Dora I always speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely + roses and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the hall he called me + “the Guardian Angel of our Love.” Yes, that is what I am and always shall + be; for he really deserves it and Dora too is quite different from what + she used to be. Hella says one can see for oneself that love ennobles; up + till now she has always thought that to be mere poetical fiction. + </p> + <p> + May 15th. Father said: I don’t care much about these visits to the + Richters as long as that <i>young jackanapes</i> is still there, but + Mother can’t very well refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts + with the white blouses with the little green silk leaves for Dora does not + like to wear all white except in summer. And because the leaves on the + blouses are <i>clover leaves</i>, that is because of their meaning. We are + looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope Mother will be all right, + for she is in bed to-day. It’s horrid being ill anyhow, but when being ill + interferes with other people’s pleasure it’s simply frightful. + </p> + <p> + May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother’s birthday; but it was not + so jolly as usual because Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present I + painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which looks awfully chic. Dora + gave her a book cover embroidered with a spray of Japanese cherries, I + don’t know what Father gave her, money I think, because on her birthday + and name day he always hands her an envelope. But since Mother is not well + we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her health at dinner she + wiped her eyes when she thought we were not looking. Still, it’s not so + dangerous as all that; she is able to go out and doesn’t look bad. I think + Mother’s awfully smart, she looks just as well in her dressing gown as + when she’s dressed up to go out. Dora says that if she had been made ill + by her husband she would hate him and would never let her daughters marry. + That’s all very well, but one ought to be quite <i>sure</i> that <i>that</i> + is why one has become ill. They say that is why Aunt Dora doesn’t like + Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to her as to other relations or to + the ladies who some to see Mother. But after all, Aunt Dora has no right + to make <i>scenes</i> about it to Father, as Dora says she does. Mother’s + the only person with any right to do that. Dora says she is afraid that it + will come to Mother’s having to have an operation. Nothing would ever + induce me to undergo an operation, it must be horrible, I know because of + Hella and the appendicitis. But Dora says: “Anyone who’s had five children + must be used to that sort of thing.” I shall pray every night that Mother + may get well without an operation. I expect we shan’t all go away together + at Whitsuntide this year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health + resort, most likely to Franzensbad. + </p> + <p> + May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter was there from Modling, he + was awfully nice, and said I was so like my sister that it was difficult + to tell us apart. That’s a frightful cram, but I know what he really + meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and the three played a trio, so that + I was frightfully annoyed with myself for not having worked harder at my + music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours every day, if I can + possibly find time. Next winter Viktor is going to found a private + dramatic club, so he must be going to stay more than six months in Vienna. + Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and when I said: “The great pity is + that she’s got such frightful anemia,” he said: In a man’s eyes that is no + drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. Moreover, that illness is + not a real illness, but often makes a girl more charming than ever, as you + can see in your sister. + </p> + <p> + Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for the first time; anybody + can have her for me. She wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is + engaged, but Dora says, has been. I simply don’t believe it. V. says Mad. + is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora if she was not jealous, she said she + didn’t care, she was quite sure of his love. He means to leave the army + and go into the civil service, and then he will be able to marry. But Dora + said, there’s plenty of time for that, a secret engagement is much nicer. + Then she noticed she’d given herself away, and she blushed like anything + and said: You naturally must be engaged before you are married, mustn’t + you?—of course she <i>is</i> secretly engaged, but she won’t tell me + about it. What’s the good of my being the “Guardian Angel of their Love?” + If he only knew. + </p> + <p> + May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I simply have no time, + first of all I had my lesson anyhow, and secondly something awful happened + to Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; and because we have + our religion lesson in the Fifth I saw a green bound book lying under the + third bench. Great Scott, I thought, that looks like Dora’s diary. I went + up as quickly as I could and put my satchel over it. Later in the lesson I + picked it up. When I got home at 1 o’clock I did not say anything at + first. After dinner she began rummaging all over the place, but without + saying anything to me, and then I said quite quietly: “Do you hap—pen + to be look—ing for your di—ar—y? Here it is; you—left—it + in—the—fifth—class—un—der—the—third—bench.” + (I kept her on tenter hooks that way.) She got as white as a sheet and + said: “You <i>are</i> an angel. If any one else had found it, I should + have been expelled and Mad. would have had to drown herself.” “Oh, it + can’t be as bad as all that,” I said, for what she said about Mad. was + frightfully exciting. In class I had looked chiefly at what she had + written about V. But I could not read it there, because it was written + very small and close together and was several pages, but I had not looked + much at what she had written about Mad. “Did you read it?” “No, only where + it happened to come open because there’s a page torn out.” “About V. or + about Mad?” “A little about Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan’t tell + anyone. For if I’d wanted to betray you, you know quite well. . . .” And + then she told me all about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would + not even tell Hella. Mad. is secretly engaged to a man to whom she has + given “the utmost gifts of love,” that is to say she has . . . . She is + madly in love with him, and they would marry directly but he is a + lieutenant too, and they have not enough money for the security. She says + that when one really loves a man one can bear everything for his sake. She + has often been to his rooms, but she has to be frightfully careful for her + father would kill her if he found out. Dora has seen the lieutenant and + says he is very handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. says that + you can’t trust men as a rule, but that her lover is quite different, that + he is true as steel. I am sure V. is too. + </p> + <p> + May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could not look at her while + Mother was there and Dora says I made an awful fool of myself. For I went + out walking with them to-day, and when we met a smart-looking officer I + hemmed and looked at Dora. But she didn’t know why. Mad. is the daughter + of a high official in the French military service and she only took her + teacher’s degree in order to get free from her Mother’s “<i>tyranny</i>;” + she nagged at her frightfully and until she began to give lessons she was + never allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very refined in her + speech, especially when she is talking about <i>these</i> things. Of + course about <i>them</i> she always speaks German, for it’s much more + difficult to say it in French, and probably Dora would not understand it + and then Mad. would only have to translate it. She is called Sylvia and he + calls her Sylvette. Mad. says that if one is madly in love with a man one + does whatever he asks. But I don’t see that one need do that, for he might + ask the most idiotic things; he might ask you to get the moon out of the + skies, or to pull out a tooth for his sake. Dora says she can understand + it quite well; that I still lack <i>the true inwardness of thought and + feeling</i>. It looks like utter nonsense. But since it sounds fine I’ve + written it down, and perhaps I shall find a use for it some day when I’m + talking to Walter. Mad. is always frightfully anxious lest she should get + a baby. If she did she’s sure her father would kill her. The lieutenant is + in the flying corps. He hopes he’s going to invent a new aeroplane, and + that he will make a lot of money out of it. Then he will be able to marry + Mad. But it would be awful if <i>something happened</i> and she got a baby + already. + </p> + <p> + May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I knew all about these things, + whether Hella had told me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said + quite casually: “Oh, one can read all about that in the encyclopedia.” But + Dora laughed and said: “You are quite on the wrong scent; you can’t find a + tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what you do find is no + good. In <i>these</i> matters it is <i>absolutely no good</i> depending on + books.” First of all she would not tell me any more, but after a time she + told me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, and about <i>fertilisation</i>, + and about the microscopic baby which really comes from the husband, and + not as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. And how one knows whether a + woman is <i>fruitful</i>. That is really an awful word. In fact almost + every word has a second meaning of <i>that</i> sort, and what Dora says is + quite true, one must be fearfully careful when one is talking. Dora thinks + it would be best to make a list of all such words, but there are such a + frightful lot of them that one never could. The only thing one can do is + to be awfully careful; but one soon gets used to it. Still it happened to + Dora the other day that she said to V.: I don’t want any <i>intercourse</i>. + And that really means “the utmost gifts of love,” so Mad. told her. But V. + was so well-mannered that he did not show that he noticed anything; and it + did not occur to Dora until afterwards what she had said. It’s really + awfully stupid that every ordinary word should have such a meaning. I + shall be so frightfully careful what I say now, so that I shan’t use any + word with two meanings. Mad. says it’s just the same in French. We don’t + know whether it is the same in English and we could never dream of asking + that awful fright, Miss Lundy. Very likely she does not know the first + thing about it anyhow. I know a great deal more than Hella now, but I + can’t tell her because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can give her a + hint to be more careful in what she says, so as not to use any word with + two meanings. That is really my duty as a friend. + </p> + <p> + May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had his written matriculation + exam, he wrote a postcard every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed + because he made such silly jokes all the time that we could not really + tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully excited because next Monday we + are going to the aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is at the + conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to fly too. Of course we’ll + motor out because the railway is not convenient. Of course Viktor will be + there, but he is motoring over with some other officers. It’s a great + pity, for it would have been lovely if he’d been in our car. By the way, I + saved the class to-day, the school inspector has been this week and + examined our class first in History and then in German, and I was the only + one who knew all that Frau Doktor M. had told us about the Origin of + Fable. The insp. was very complimentary and afterwards Frau Doktor M. + said: its quite true one can always depend upon Lainer; she’s got a + trustworthy memory. When we were walking home she was awfully nice: “Do + you know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your pardon.” I was quite + puzzled and Hella asked: But why? She said: “It seemed to me this year + that you were not taking quite so much interest in your German lessons as + you did last year; but now you’ve <i>reinstated</i> yourself in my good + opinion.” Afterwards Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is not so + far wrong when I think of all that we used to read last year so that we + might know everything when the lesson came, and when I think of what we do + this year!!! You know very well — — — —. Hella is + quite right, but still one can learn in spite of <i>those things</i>, one + can’t be <i>always</i> talking about them. And then it’s quite easy to + learn for such an angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as red as + a turkey cock from pride because I could say it all in the very words of + Frau Doktor M., but it was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed + up about it, and secondly I really don’t know myself how I managed to say + it all. I only felt that Frau Doktor M. is so annoyed when no one offers + to answer a question, and so I took it on. + </p> + <p> + May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a hundred times. How could I be + so stupid! Now we’re not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only let us + go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed he was going to stay + there another fortnight. And at dinner to-day I made a slip and said: “It + is a pity there’s no room for five in our car. If Fraulein Else were not + coming Lieutenant Richter could come with us.” Dora kicked me under the + table and I tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry and said. + “Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, children, nothing doing. I shall + make your excuses to Frau Richter directly. I’m not having any, did not I + tell you you weren’t to see the fellow any more?” Of course this last was + to Dora. Dora did not say anything but she did not eat any pudding or + fruit, and as soon as we were back in our room she gave it me hot, saying: + You did that on purpose, you little beast, but really you are only a child + whom I never ought to have trusted, and so on. It’s really too bad to say + I did it <i>on purpose</i>, as if I envied her. Besides it’s bad for me as + well as for her, for I like him very much too, for he makes no difference + between us and treats me exactly like Dora. Of course we are not on + speaking terms now, and what infuriated me more than anything was that she + said she grudged every word she had said to me in <i>this</i> connection: + “Pearls before Swine.” What a rude thing to say. So I am an S. But I + should like to know who told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I’m quite sure that + I shall never talk to her again about <i>anything of that sort</i>. Thank + goodness I have a friend in Hella. She would never say or think anything + of the kind of me. + </p> + <p> + May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all night; Dora cried + frightfully, I heard her though she tried to stifle it, and I cried too, + for I was thinking all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor from + thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then I thought of something, + and chance or I ought to say luck helped me. Viktor does not walk to + school with us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have seen us + several times, but he comes to meet Dora when she comes away at 1 o’clock. + So quite early I telephoned to him at a public telephone call office, for + I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so bad that she could not go to + school so I was going alone with Hella. I telephoned saying a friend was + ringing him up, that was when the maid answered the telephone, and then + she called him. I told him: that whatever happened he was not to think + unkindly of me and I must see him at 1 o’clock because Dora was ill. He + must wait at the corner of —— Street. All through lessons I + was so upset that I don’t in the least know what we did. And at 1 o’clock + he was there all right, and I told him all about it and he was so awfully + kind and he consoled me; <i>he</i> consoled <i>me</i>. That’s quite + different from the way Dora behaved. I was so much upset that I nearly + cried, and then he drew me into a doorway and <i>put his arm round me</i> + and with his <i>own</i> handkerchief wiped away my tears. I shall never + tell Dora about that. Then he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora because + she had such a <i>lot</i> to bear. I don’t really know <i>what</i> she has + to bear, but still, for his sake, because it’s really worth doing it for + that, after dinner I put a note upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans of + love to you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. At the same + time his best thanks for the book. I put the note in Heidepeter’s Gabriel, + which she had lent to me to read and put it down very significantly. When + she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few times and said: “Have you seen + him? Where was it and when?” Then I told her all about it and she was + frightfully touched and said: “You really are a good girl, only + frightfully undependable.” What do you mean, undependable? She said: Yes + undependable, for one simply must not blurt out things in that way; never + mind, I will try to forget. Have you finished Heidepeter’s Gabriel yet? + “No,” I said, “I’m not going to read anyone’s book with whom I’m angry.” + In the end we made it up, but of course we did not talk any more about it + and I did not say a word about that business with the handkerchief. + </p> + <p> + May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and Dora are going to Frazensbad, + because they both have to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a + change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she won’t go about hanging her + head like a sick chicken. To-day Dora told me something very interesting. + Unmarried men have little books and with these they can go to visit women + “of a certain kind” in Graben and in the Karntnerstrasse. There, Dora + says, they have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora’s class there is a + girl whose father is police surgeon, and they have all to be examined + every month to see if they are healthy, and if not they can’t visit these + “ladies,” and that’s why the Preusses can never keep a servant. In my bath + yesterday I noticed that I had a certain line, so I must be fr—. But + I shan’t have more than 1 or 2 children at most for the line is very + faint. When I’m studying I often think of such things, and then I read a + whole page and turn over and have not the remotest idea what I’ve been + reading. It’s very tiresome, for soon the other school insp. for maths. + and the other subjects is coming, and I should not like to make a fool of + myself; especially not because perhaps the inspectors talk us over with + one another about who is clever and who stupid. + </p> + <p> + May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I hear such grand music I always + have to keep myself well in hand for I fear I should cry. It’s very + stupid, of course, but at such times I can only think of sad things, even + if it’s just a small piece. Dora can play Brahms’ Hungarian Dances, too, + but that never makes me want to cry. I only get annoyed because I can’t + play them myself. I could all right, but I have not got patience to + practice long enough. I never tell anyone that I want to cry when I am + listening to music, not even Hella, though I tell her everything, except + of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a fool of myself; at least so Dora + says. I don’t know how it happened, we were talking about books at supper, + and I said: “What’s the use of books, one can’t learn anything out of + them; everything is quite different from what they say in books.” Then + Father got in a wax and said: “You little duffer, you can thank your stars + there are books from which you can learn something. Anyone who can’t + understand a book always says it is no good.” Dora gave me a look, but I + didn’t know what she meant, and I went on: “Yes, but there’s an awful lot + that the encyclopedia puts all wrong.” “What have you been ferreting in + the encyclopedia for; we shall have to keep the key of the bookcase in a + safer place.” Thank goodness Dora came to my help and said: “Gretel wanted + to look up something about the age of elephants and mammoths, but it’s + quite different in the encyclopedia from what Prof. Rigl told her last + year.” I was saved. Dora can act splendidly; I’ve noticed it before. In + the evening she rowed me, and said: “You little goose, will you never + learn caution; first that stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new + blunder! I’ve helped you out of a hole once but I shan’t do it again.” And + then she spent all the time writing a letter, to him of course—! + Hella and I have just been reading a lot of things in the encycl., about + <i>Birth</i> and <i>Pregnancy</i>, and I on my own about abor—; we + came across the words Embyro and Foetus, and I said nothing at the time + but tied 2 knots in my handkerchief to remind me, and yesterday I looked + them up. Mad. need not be anxious even if she <i>really</i> did get like + that. But every doctor knows about it and one often dies of it. I wonder + if Mad. knows anything about it. We were talking about the <i>differences</i> + between men and women, and it came out that when Hella has her bath she is + still washed by Anna who has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would + induce me to allow that, I would not let anyone wash me, except Mother; + certainly not Dora, for I don’t want her to know what <i>I</i> look like. + The nurse in the hosp. told Hella that she is developed just like a little + nymph, so lovely and symetrical. Hella says that is nothing unusual, that + every girl looks like that, that the female body is <i>Nature’s Work of + Art</i>. Of course she’s read that somewhere, for it does not really mean + anything. <i>Nature’s</i> work of art; it ought to be: a work of art made + by husband and wife!!! + </p> + <p> + May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad on June 6th, directly + after Whitsuntide. Dora has got another new coat and skirt, grey with blue + stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits me very well says + Hella and everyone, with white ribbons and wild roses. There might have + been a fearful row about what’s just happened. When I went to telephone I + had my Christmas umbrella with the rose-quartz handle and I left it in the + telephone box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it there, and as she + knows me she brought it here and gave it to the porter who brought it + upstairs. Thank goodness it occurred to me at once to say that I went into + the tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it in the <i>shop</i>. + No one noticed anything. + </p> + <p> + May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with Hella for the month when + Mother and Dora are away. It would be awfully nice, but I’m not going to, + for I want to stay with Father. What would he do all alone at meal times, + and whom would he have to talk to in the evenings? Father was really quite + touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as he can and no one else, + not even Mother. So I’m going to stay at home whatever happens. Flowers + are very cheap now, so I shall put <i>different</i> flowers on the table + every day, I shall go to the Market every day to buy a little posy, so + that they can always be fresh. It would be stupid for me to go to the + Brs., why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long time, she knows + how to do everything even if Mother is not there and everything else I can + arrange. Father won’t want for anything. + </p> + <p> + June 1st. We’ve had such an experience to-day! It’s awful; it’s quite true + then that one takes off <i>every stitch</i> when one is madly fond of + anyone. I never really believed it, and I’m sure Dora did not, although + Mad. hinted it to her; but <i>it’s true</i>. We’ve seen it <i>with our own + eyes</i>. I was just sitting and reading Storm’s The Rider of the Grey + Horse and Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to Franzensbad + when Resi came and said: Fraulein Dora, please come here a moment, I want + you to look at something! From the tone of her voice I saw there was + something up so I went too. At first Resi would not say what it was but + Dora was generous and said: “It’s all right, you can say <i>everything</i> + before her.” Then we went into Resi’s room and from behind the curtain + peeped into the mezzanin. A young <i>married couple</i> live there!!! At + least Resi says people say they are <i>not</i> really married, but simply + live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She was absolutely naked + lying in bed without any of the clothes on, and he was kneeling by the + bedside quite n— too, and he kissed her all over, <i>everywhere!!!</i> + Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. And then he stood up—no, + I can’t write it, it’s too awful, I shall never forget it. So <i>that’s</i> + the way of it, it’s simply frightful. I could never have believed it. Dora + went as white as a sheet and trembled so that Resi was terribly + frightened. I nearly cried with horror, and yet I could not help laughing + too. I was really afraid he would stifle her because he’s so big and she’s + so small. And Resi says he is certainly much too big for her, and that he + nearly tears her. I don’t know why he should tear her but certainly he + might have crushed her. Dora was so terrified she had to sit down and Resi + hurried to get her a glass of water, because she believed she was going to + faint. I had not imagined it was anything like <i>that</i>, and Dora + certainly had not either. Or she would never have trembled so. Still I + really don’t see why she should tremble like that. There is no reason to + be frightened, one simply need not marry, and then one need never strip + off every stitch, and oh dear, poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the + lieutenant is very tall. But just think if anyone is as fat as Herr + Richter or our landlord. Of course Herr Richter is at least 50, but last + January the landlord had another little girl, so something <i>must have + happened</i>. No, I’m sure it’s best not to marry, for <i>it</i> is really + too awful. We did not look any more for then came the worst, suddenly Dora + began to be actually sick, so that she could hardly get back to our room. + If she had not been able to, everything would have come out. Mother sent + for the doctor directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; + that it was a good thing she was going away from Vienna in a few days. No + girl ought to study, it does not pay. Then he said to me: “You don’t look + up to much either. What are you so hollow-eyed for?” “I’m so frightened + about Dora,” I said. “Fiddlededee,” said the doctor, “that does not give + anyone black rings round the eyes.” So it must be true that one gets to + look ill when one always has to think about <i>such</i> things. But how + can one help it, and Hella says: It’s awfully interesting to have black + rings under the eyes and men <i>like</i> it. + </p> + <p> + We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to Kahlenberg and + Hermannskogel, but probably it won’t come off. Its 11 already and I’m + fearfully tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do hope I Shall + be able to sleep, but — — — — + </p> + <p> + June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; we enjoyed ourselves + tremendously. After dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the + hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all about what we’d seen + on Friday. She was simply speechless, all the more since she had never + heard what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She won’t marry + either, for it’s too disagreeable, indeed too horrid.—The doctor + said too: This perpetual learning is poisonous for young girls <i>in the + years of development</i>. If he only knew <i>what</i> we had seen. Hella + is frightfully annoyed that she was not there. She can be jolly glad, I + don’t want to see it a second time, and I shall never forget it all my + life long; what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. Then Hella + went on making jokes and said: “I say, just think if it had been Viktor.” + “Oh, do shut up,” I screamed, and Father thought we were quarrelling and + called out: “You two seem to be having a dispute in the grand style.” If + he’d only known what we were talking about!!! Oswald has been home since + Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past 10. But he did not come + on the excursion with us yesterday, although Father would have liked him + to; he said he would find it much too dull to spend the day with two + “flappers;” that means that we’re not grown up enough for him and is a + piece of infernal cheek especially as regards Hella. She says she will + simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister I can’t very well do + that, but I shan’t fetch and carry for him as he would like me to. He’s no + right to insult even his sister. + </p> + <p> + Dora has just said to me: It’s horrible that one has to endure that (you + know what!!! — — — —) when one is married. Resi + had told her about those two before, and that only the Jews do it just + like <i>that</i>. She said that other people did not strip quite naked and + that perhaps it’s different in some other ways!! — — — + But Mad. implied that it was just <i>that</i> way, only she did not say + anything about the crushing; but I suppose that’s because of the cruelty + of the Jews — — —. I’m afraid every night that I’m going + to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed about it already. She says that + whenever she closes her eyes she sees it all as if it were actually before + her. + </p> + <p> + June 4th. We understand now <i>what</i> Father meant the other day when he + was speaking about Dr. Diller and his wife and said: “But they don’t suit + one another at all.” I thought at the time he only meant that it looks so + absurd for so tiny a woman to go about with a big strong man. But that’s + only a minor thing; the main point is something quite different!!!! Hella + and I look at all couples now who go by arm in arm, thinking about them + from <i>that</i> point of view, and it amuses us so much as we are going + home that we can hardly keep from laughing. But really it’s no laughing + matter, especially for the woman. + </p> + <p> + June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with her to pay a farewell call at + the Richter’s. But there was no one at home, that is Frau R. was certainly + at home, but said she was not because they are very much offended with + Father. In the afternoon Dora and I had a lot of things to get, and we met + Viktor, by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they went into the + Minorite church while I went for a walk in Kohlmarkt and Herrengasse. He + is going to America in the beginning of July, before Dora comes home. He + has given her some exquisite notepaper stamped with his regimental arms, + specially for her to write to him on, and a locket with his portrait. + To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, through me, I shall be + awfully glad to take it. Dora has been much nicer to me lately. + </p> + <p> + June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. Mother has never gone + away from us before for long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. + Dora cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and I are alone now. + At dinner he said to me: “My little housewife.” It was so lovely. But it’s + frightfully quiet in the house, for 2 people don’t talk so much as 4. It + made me feel quite uncomfortable. To-day I talked several things over with + Resi. What I think worst of all is that one saw the whole of his behind, + it was really disgusting. Dora said the other day she thought it was + positively infamous. Resi said they might at least have pulled down the + blind so that nobody could see in, that’s what respectable people would + do. But <i>respectable</i> people simply would not strip, or at least + they’d cover themselves respectably with the bedclothes. Then Resi told me + some more about the bank clerk and his wife, that is <i>not</i>-wife. She + does not know if her parents know about it, and what excuse she makes for + not living at home. She is not a Jewess, though he is a Jew. Resi + absolutely curled up with laughing because I said: “Ah, that is why he + insists that they shall <i>both</i> strip though ordinarily only the wife + has to strip.” But she herself said a little while ago that only Jews do + it <i>that way</i>, and to-day she laughed as if I were talking utter + nonsense. Really she does not know exactly herself, and she cloaks it with + laughter because she’s annoyed, first because <i>she</i> does not know, + and then also I’m sure because she really began to talk about the matter. + One thing that puzzles me is that I never dream about <i>it</i>. I should + like to know whether perhaps Dora never really dreamed of it, though she + pretended she did. As for Hella saying she dreamed of it the day before + yesterday, I’m sure that was pure invention, for she was not there at all. + She says it’s a good thing she was not for if she had been she would have + burst out laughing. But I fancy if she’d seen what we saw she would have + found there was nothing to laugh at. + </p> + <p> + June 7th. It’s frightfully dull after dinner and in the evening before bed + time, especially because this year, since the affair at the front door, + Dora and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss it. I wish Hella + would come and stay with us for the 4 weeks. But she does not want to. + Father had work to do to-day, so I’m quite alone and feel as if I’d like + to cry. + </p> + <p> + June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, Resi came to make + my bed, and we talked about the married couple opposite, and then she told + me awful things about a young married couple where she was once. She left + because they always went into the bath together; she says she’s certain + that <i>something happened</i> there. And then she told me about an old + gentleman who made <i>advances</i> to her; but of course she would not + have anything to do with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he would + never have married a servant for he was a privy councillor. Yesterday + Father said: Poor little witch, it’s very lonely for you now; but look + here, Resi is no fit company for you; when your little tongue wants to + wag, come to my room. And I was awfully stupid, I began to cry like + anything and said. “Father, please don’t be angry, I’ll never think and + never talk of such things any more.” Father did not know at first what I + meant, but afterwards it must have struck him, for he was so kind and + gentle, and said: “No, no, Gretel, don’t corrupt your youth with such + matters, and when there’s anything that bothers you, ask Mother, but not + the servants. A girl of good family must not be too familiar with + servants. Promise me.” And then, though I’m so big he took me on his knee + like a child and petted me because I was crying so. “It’s all right, + little Mouse, don’t worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. Give me a + nice kiss, and then I’ll come with you to your room and stay with you till + you go to sleep.” Of course I stayed awake on purpose as long as I could, + till a quarter to 11. + </p> + <p> + And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora’s bed so that when I woke + up early in the morning I really looked across to see if he had not gone + to bed there. But of course I’d only dreamed it. + </p> + <p> + June 12th. To-morrow there’s a great school excursion; I am so glad, a + whole day with Frau Doktor M. and without any lessons. We are going up + Eisernes Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the Fourth did not + want to go to the Anninger, but to the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did + not want to go there. + </p> + <p> + June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and I spent the whole day with + Frau Doktor M.; in the afternoon Franke said: “I say, why do you stick to + Frau Doktor like that? One can’t get a word with you.” So then we went for + a good walk through the forest with Franke and she told us about a student + who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love with her. For all + students are in love with her, <i>so she says</i>. We were not much + interested in that, but then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly + engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town in Germany. Her + cousin is Frau Doktor’s dressmaker, and she is quite certain of it. Her + parents are opposed to it because he is a <i>Jew</i> but they are + frantically in love with one another and they intend to marry. And then we + asked Franke, since she is a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, + who was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us about the Jews. And + Franke said: “Oh yes, it is true I can confirm it in every point. But it’s + not so bad about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in this + matter.” No doubt she’s right, but it’s horrible to think that our lovely + and refined Frau Doktor M is going to have a cruel husband. Hella says + that if <i>she</i> is satisfied, I don’t need to get excited about it. But + perhaps she does not know that — — —. When we came out + of the wood the Herr Religionsprofessor who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor + M. called out: “Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!” And + everybody laughed because we’d come back. Father came to fetch Hella and + me, and since it was nearly 11 o’clock Hella stayed the night with us. It + was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry because I could not + have any more talk with Father. When we were getting up in the morning we + splashed one another and played the fool generally, so that we were nearly + late for school. The staff was still in high spirits, including Professor + Wilke, about whom we had not bothered ourselves all day; that is he did + not come until the afternoon when he came to meet us on our way. We + believe he is in love with Frau Doktor M. too, for he went about with her + all the time, and it was probably on her account that he came. None of the + other professors were there, for they were all taking their classes in the + different Gymnasiums. + </p> + <p> + June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to school to-day at 9 and + suddenly we heard a tremendous rattling with a sword; that is Hella heard + it, for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, and she said: + “Hullo, that’s an o— in a frightful hurry,” and looked round; “I + say, there’s Viktor behind us” and he really was, he was saluting us and + he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; you’ll excuse me won’t + you, Fraulein Hella? He always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice + refined kind of a man he is that he should know my friend’s name. Hella + said directly: “Don’t mention it, Herr Oberleutenant, don’t let me be in + your way if it’s anything important,” and she went over to the other side + of the street. He looked after her and said: “What a lovely, well-mannered + young lady your friend is.” Then he came back to the main point He has + already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an answer to his letter, because + she can’t fetch it from the post office, <i>poste restante</i>. Then he + implored me to enclose a letter from him in mine to Dora. But since Mother + naturally reads my letters, I told him it was not so simple as all that; + but I knew of a splendid way out of the difficulty; I would write to + Mother and Dora <i>at the same time</i>, so that Dora could get hold of <i>his + letter</i> while Mother was not noticing. Viktor was awfully pleased and + said: “You’re a genius and a first-class little schemer,” and kissed my + hand. Still, he might have left out the “little.” If one’s is so <i>little</i>, + one can’t very well be a schemer. From the other side of the street Hella + saw him kiss my hand. She says I did not try to draw it away, but held it + out to him like a grand lady and even dropped it at the wrist. She says we + girls of good family do that sort of thing by instinct. It may be so, for + I certainly did not do it intentionally. In the afternoon I wrote the two + letters, just the ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora with the + enclosure, and took it to the post <i>myself</i>. + </p> + <p> + June 16th. I’ve already got so used to being alone with Father that I take + it as a matter of course. We often drive in the Prater, or go in the + evening to have supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella comes with + us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora will write. I forgot to + write in my diary the other day that I asked Viktor if he was really going + to New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything of the kind, that + had only been a false alarm on the part of the Old Man. That’s what he + calls his father. I don’t think it’s very nice of him, a little vulgar, + and perhaps that is why Father can’t stand him. In fact Father does not + like any officers very much, except Hella’s father, but then he’s fairly + old already. I say, Hella mustn’t read that, it would put her in an awful + wax; but her father really is at least 4 or 5 years older than Father. + </p> + <p> + June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don’t know what’s the matter with + her. We were all frightfuly dull at school. The head took her classes and + we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope she has not got + appendicitis, that would be awful. + </p> + <p> + June 18th. <i>She</i> isn’t back yet. Frau Doktor Steiner says she has + very bad tonsillitis and won’t be able to come for at least a week. + </p> + <p> + June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. I’m furious. Not a word + about my sisterly affection, but only: “Many thanks for your trouble.” + It’s really too bad; <i>he</i> is quite different!! I shan’t forget this + in a hurry. Hella says that she only hinted at it like that to be on the + safe side. But it’s not true, for she knows <i>perfectly well</i> that + Father never reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of course. + Yesterday was the first time I stayed away from school since I went to the + High School. Early in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and a + headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better as the day went on, + but this morning I was worse again. Most likely I shall have to stay at + home for 2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, but it really + was not necessary. + </p> + <p> + June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day she wanted to begin talking + once more about <i>various things</i>, but I said I did not particularly + care to hear about such matters, and then she implored me never to tell + Mother and Father anything about what she had said to us about the young + married couple; she said she would lose her place and she would be awfully + sorry to do that. + </p> + <p> + June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there might have been a frightful + row; luckily Father was out. At half past 6, when Hella and I were having + a talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone out too to fetch + something so I answered the telephone, and it was Viktor! “I must see you + to-morrow morning early or at 1 o’clock; I waited for you <i>in vain</i> + at 1 to-day.” Of course, for I was still ill, that is still am ill. But + well or ill I must go to school to-morrow. If Father had been at home; or + even Resi, she might have noticed something. It would have been very + disagreeable if I had had to ask her not to give me away. Hella was + frightfully cheeky, she took the receiver out of my hand and said: “Please + don’t do this again, it’s frightfully risky for my friend.” I was rather + annoyed with her, but Hella said he certainly deserved a lecture. + </p> + <p> + To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall wear my new white dress. + It does look rather nice after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I’ve + taken to wearing snails, *** Father calls them “cow-pats;” but everyone + else says it’s exceedingly becoming. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *** Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.—Translators’ + Note. +</pre> + <p> + June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he came up to us and said: “Can a + repentant sinner be received back into grace?” And he gave each of us a + lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and said: “I don’t think we need + make any secret before your energetic friend.” Really I did not want to + forward any more letters but I did not know how to say so without + offending him, for Dora’s cheek is not his fault, and I did not want to + say anything to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because Hella was + there. There can’t be more than 2 or 3 times more, so I shan’t bother. But + <i>Dora</i> doesn’t deserve it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. She saw + us together the other day, and the next day she asked: Where did you pick + up that handsome son of Mars? Hella retorted: “Don’t use such common + expressions when you are speaking of Rita’s cousin.” “Oh, a cousin, that’s + why he kisses her hand I suppose?” Since then we only speak to Franke when + we are positively obliged. Not to speak to her at all would be too + dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak only a little, she can’t + take offence. + </p> + <p> + June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the old one who always comes + for Maths. He is so kind and gentle that all the girls can answer + everything; we like him better than the one who comes for languages. + Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up because he praised her. Good Lord, + I’ve been praised often enough, but that does not make <i>me</i> + conceited. Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I’d been absent + 4 days. Frau Doktor M. came back to-day. She looks awfully pale and + wretched, I don’t know why; it’s such a pity that she does not let us walk + home with her, except last year when there was all that fuss about + Fraulein St.‘s bead bag. She bows to us all very politely when we salute + her, but she won’t walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch is + horribly pushing and is always hanging about on the chance. + </p> + <p> + June 26th. It’s really stupid how anxious I am now at Communion lest the + host should drop out of my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly sick. + Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I don’t know of any, + except that the accident which that girl Lutter in the Third had made me + even more anxious that I was before. Hella says I’d better turn + Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; for after Com. one + feels so pure and so much better than one was before. But I’m sorry to say + it does not last so long as it ought to. + </p> + <p> + June 27th. Mother is <i>really</i> ill. Father told me about it. He was + awfully nice and said: If only your Mother is spared to us. She is far + from well. Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with Mother? And + Father said: “Well, dear, it’s a hidden trouble, which has really been + going on for a long time and has now suddenly broken out.” “Will she have + to have an operation?” “We hope we shall be able to avoid that. But it’s a + terrible thing that Mother should be so ill.” Father looked so miserable + when he said this that I did my best to console him and said: “But <i>surely</i> + the mud baths will make her all right, or why should she take them?” And + Father said: “Well, darling, we’ll hope for the best.” We went on talking + for a long time, saying that Mother must take all possible care of + herself, and that perhaps in the autumn Aunt Dora would come here to keep + house. I asked Father, “Is it true that you don’t like Aunt Dora?” Father + said: “Not a bit of it, what put that idea into your head?” So I said: + “But you do like Mother much better, don’t you?” Father laughed and said: + “You little goose, of course I do, or I should have married Aunt Dora and + not Mother.” I should have liked awfully to ask Father a lot more, but I + did not dare. I really do miss Dora, especially in the evenings. + </p> + <p> + July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school to-day. Professor W., the + traitor, did not come because he had confession and communion in the + Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything about the subject so there + was no one to take his class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor took it, he + had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. But since the Jewish + girls were there too, of course there was no religion lesson. But the H. + Rel. Prof. had a chat with us. He asked each of us where we were going to + spend the summer, and when I said I was going to Rodaun, Weinberger said: + I say, <i>only</i> to Rodaun! and several of the other girls chimed in: <i>Only</i> + to Rodaun; why that’s only a drive on the steam tram. I was frightfully + annoyed, for we generally go to Tyrol or Styria; I said so directly, and + then Franke said: Last year too, I think, you went somewhere quite close + to Vienna, where was it, Hain—, and then she stopped and made as if + she had never heard of Hainfeld. Of course that was all put on, but she’s + very angry because we won’t speak to her since that business about the <i>cousin!</i> + But now I was to learn what true friendship is. While I was getting still + more angry, Hella said: Rita’s Mother is now in <i>Franzensbad, the + world-famous health resort</i>; she is ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and + see her at least once a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and + said: Rodaun is a lovely place. The air there is very fine and will + certainly do your Mother a lot of good. That’s the chief thing, isn’t it + children? I hope that God will spare all your parents for many years. When + the Herr Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, whose Mother died last winter, + burst out crying, and I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. + Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because I was annoyed because + we were only going to Rodaun. In the interval Franke said: After all, + there’s no harm in going to Rodaun, that’s no reason for crying. But Hella + said: “Excuse me, the Lainers can go anywhere they please, they are so + well off that many people might envy them. Besides, her Mother and her + sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is frightfully expensive, + and in Rodaun they have rented a house all for themselves. Rita is crying + because she is anxious about her Mother, not because of anything you + said.” Of course we don’t speak a word to Franke now. Mother does not want + us to anyhow, she did not like her at all when she met her last year. + Mother has a fine instinct in such matters. + </p> + <p> + July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but Very Goods, except of + course in —— Natural History! That was to be expected. What + — — (I can’t bring myself to write the name) said was + perfectly right. Nearly all the girls who were still there brought Frau + Doktor M. and Frau Doktor St. flowers as farewell tokens. This time, Hella + and I were allowed to go with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we + kiss her hand she always blushes, and we love doing it. This summer + holidays she is going to — — — <i>Germany</i>, of + course; really Hella need not have asked; it’s obvious!!! + </p> + <p> + July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. We are going to meet them + at the station. By the way, I’d quite forgotten. The other day Father hid + a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and when I lifted up my table + napkin it fell out, and Father said: In part payment of your outlay on + flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the flowers did not cost + anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, for though they were lovely ones, I + only bought fresh ones every other day. Now I shall be able to buy Mother + lots of roses, and I shall either take them to the station or put them on + her table. On the one hand I’m awfully glad Mother is coming home, but on + the other hand I did like being alone with Father for he always talked to + me about everything just as he does to Mother; that will come to an end + now. + </p> + <p> + July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I’m especially glad about + Mother; for one can see that she is quite well again. If we had not taken + the house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, for one can’t deny + it would be much nicer. Dora looks quite a stranger. It’s absurd, for one + can’t alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite different; she does + her hair differently, parted over the ears. I have had no chance yet to + say anything about the “trouble,” and she has not alluded to it. In the + autumn she will have to have a special exam. for the Sixth because she + went away a month before the end of term. Father says that is only pro + forma and that she must not take any lesson books to the country. Hella + went away yesterday, she and her Mother and Lizzi are going first to + Gastein and then to stay with their uncle in Hungary. Life is dull without + Hella, much worse than without Dora; without her I was simply bored + sometimes in the evening, at bedtime. Dora gives it out that in + Franzensbad people treated her as a grown-up lady. I’m sure that’s not + true for anyone can see that she’s a long way from being a grown-up lady + yet. + </p> + <p> + July 11th. I can’t think what’s happened to Dora. When she goes out she + goes alone. She doesn’t tell me when she is going or where, and she hasn’t + said a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is back. To-morrow we + are going to Rodaun, by train of course, not by the steam tram. The day + after to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam for his + matriculation. He says that in every class there are at least 1 or several + <i>swotters</i>, like Verbenowitsch in ours, he says they spoil the pitch + for the others, for, because of the swotters, the professors expect so + much more of the others and sit upon them. This may be so in the + Gymnasium, but certainly not at the High School. For though Verb. is + always sucking up to the staff, they can’t stand her; they give her good + reports, but none of them really like her. Mother says the 13th is an + unlucky day, and it makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she + went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o’clock Mass as usual. I + never thought of praying for Oswald, and anyhow I think he’ll get through + all right. + </p> + <p> + July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he is through, that is he has + wired his favourite phrase: Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did + not worry Mother as he did over the written exam., when he made silly + jokes all the time. He won’t be home until the 17th, for the matriculation + dinner is on the 15th. Father is awfully pleased too. It’s lovely here; of + course we have not really got a whole house to ourselves, as Hella + pretended at school, but a flat on the first story; in the mezzanin a + young married woman lives, that is to say a <i>newly married couple!!</i> + Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake with horror and laughter + combined. Resi must have thought of it too, for she looked hard at Dora + and me when she told us. But they have a baby already, so they are not + really a newly married couple any more. The landlord, who lives on the + same floor as us, is having a swing put up for me in the garden for it is + horrid not to have a swing in the country. + </p> + <p> + July 16th. At last Dora has said something to me about Viktor, but she + spoke very coldly; there must be something up; she might just as well tell + me; she really ought to seeing all that I’ve done. I have not seen him + since that last letter of June 27th; that time something must have hap— + no that word means something quite different, there must be something up, + but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted with Gastein, she writes that the + only thing wanting is <i>me</i>. I can quite understand that, for what I + want here is <i>her</i>. Before the end of term Ada wrote to ask whether + we were not coming to H. this year; she said she had such a frightful lot + to tell me, and <i>she wants my advice</i>. I shall be very glad to advise + her, but I don’t know what it is about. + </p> + <p> + July 18th. Something splendid, we are — — — But no, I + must write it all out in proper order. Oswald came home yesterday, he is + in great form and said jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he + would fall in love with her if she were not his sister. Just before it was + time to go to supper, Mother called us in, and I was rather annoyed when I + saw that it was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper in + his hand as he often does when he comes back from the office, and said: + “Dear Oswald and you two girls, I wanted to give you and especially Oswald + a little treat because of the matriculation.” Aha, I thought, the great + prize after all! Then Father opened the paper and said: “You have often + wondered as children why we have no title of nobility like the other + Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got it back again for you + Oswald, and also for you two girls. Henceforward we shall call ourselves + Lanier von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles.” Oswald was simply + speechless and I was the first to pull myself together and give Father a + great hug. But first of all he said: “Do credit to the name.” Oswald went + on clearing his throat for a frightfully long time, and then he said: + Thank you, Father, I shall always hold the name in trust, and then they + kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour all through the evening, + although Mother had ordered roast chicken and Father had provided a bottle + of champagne. I am frightfully happy; it’s so splendid and noble. Think of + what the girls will say, and the staff! I’m frantically delighted. + To-morrow I must write and tell Hella all about it. + </p> + <p> + July 19th. I’ve managed it beautifully. I did not want to write just: We + are now noble, so I put it all in the signature, simply writing Always + your loving friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi about it first + thing this morning, but Father scolded me about that at dinner time and + said it was quite unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your + head. Nothing of the sort, but it’s natural that I should be frightfully + glad and Dora too has covered a whole sheet of paper writing her new name. + Father says it does not really make us any different from what we were + before, but that is not true, for if it were he would not have bothered to + revive the title. He says it will make it easier for Oswald to get on, but + I’m sure there’s more in it than that. Resi told the landlord about it and + in the afternoon he and his wife called to congratulate us. + </p> + <p> + July 20th. Oswald says he won’t stay here, it’s much too dull, he is going + for a walking tour through the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to the + Karawanken. He will talk of Father as the “Old Man,” and I do think it is + so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely <i>flippant</i>. + </p> + <p> + July 24th. Hella’s answer came to-day; she congratulates me most heartily, + and then goes on to write that at first she was struck dumb and thought + I’d gone crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother had already + heard of it from her father for it had been published in the Official + Gazette. Now we are both noble, and that is awfully nice. For I have often + been annoyed that she was noble when I was not. + </p> + <p> + July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him 300 crowns for his walking + tour, because of the matriculation. I said: “In that case I shall + matriculate as soon as I can” and Oswald said: “For that one wants rather + more brains in one’s head than you girls have.” What cheek, Frau Doktor M. + passed the Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner passed it too + as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe I shall show you that your sister + can matriculate too; anyhow you have always said yourself that the chief + thing you need to get through the matriculation is cheek. Then I had a + splendid idea and said: “But we girls have not got cheek, we <i>study</i> + when we have to pass an examination!” Mother wanted us to make it up with + him, but we would not. In the evening Dora said to me: Oswald is + frantically arrogant, though he has had such a lot of Satisfactories and + has only just scraped through his exam. By the way here’s another sample + of Oswald’s stupidity; directly after the wire: “Finis with Jubilation” + came another which ought to have arrived first, for it had been handed in + 4 hours earlier, with nothing but the word “Through” [Durch]. Mother was + frightfully upset by it for she was afraid it really meant <i>failed</i> + [durchgefallen], and that the other telegram had been only an idiotic + joke. Dora and I would never condescend to such horseplay. Father always + says Oswald will sow all his wild oats at the university, but he said + to-day that he was not going to the university, but would study mining, + and then perhaps law. + </p> + <p> + July 29th. It’s sickeningly dull here, I simply don’t know what to do; I + really can’t read and swing the whole day long, and Dora has become as + dull as she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does she not + quarrel, but she won’t talk, that is she won’t talk about <i>certain + things</i>. She is perfectly crazy about the baby of the young couple in + the mezzanin; he’s 10 months old, and I can’t see what she sees to please + her in such a little pig; she’s always carrying him about and yesterday he + made her all wet, I wished her joy of it. It made her pretty sick, and I + hope it will cure her infatuation. + </p> + <p> + Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that will be a bit of a change. + To-morrow we are going to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan’t want + our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that we can get away at 2 or + half past. Hella has sent me to-day a lock-up box for letters, etc.!!! of + course filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to tell me how <i>she</i> + is getting on in Gastein. But they are only going to stay a month because + it is frantically expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and a bottle of beer 1 + crown. And the rolls are so small that one simply has to eat 3 for + breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it’s awfully smart in the hotel, + several grooms; then there are masses of Americans and English and even a + consul’s family from Sydney in Australia.—I spend most of the day + playing with two dachshund puppies. They are called Max and Moritz, though + of course one of them is a bitch. That is really a word which one ought + not to write, for it means something, at least in its other meaning. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN + </h2> + <p> + THIRD YEAR + </p> + <p> + July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the thirteenth. Mother gave me a + clock with a luminous dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course + that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; embroidered collars; + from Father, A Bad Boy’s Diary, which one of the nurses lent Hella when + she was in hospital; it’s such a delightfully funny book, but Father says + it’s stupid because no boy could have written all that, a new racquet with + a leather case, an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis balls from Dora. + Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver edge. Grandfather and + Grandmother sent a basket of cherries, red ones, and a basket of currants + and strawberries; the strawberries are only for me for my birthday. Aunt + Dora sent three neckties from Berlin for winter blouses. In the afternoon + we went to the Par.-Berg. It would have been awfully jolly if only Mother + could have gone too or if Hella had been there. + </p> + <p> + August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She sends me many happy + returns, for she thinks it is on the 1st of August, and then comes the + chief thing. She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants to + escape from the cramping environment of her family, she simply can’t + endure <i>the stifling atmosphere of home</i>. She has been to St. P. to + see the actor for whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite + something and said she had real dramatic talent; he would be willing to + train her for the stage, but only with her parents’ consent. But of course + they will never give it. She writes that this has made her <i>so nervous</i> + she feels like crying or raving all day long, in fact she can’t stand so + dismal a life any longer. <i>I</i> am her last hope. She would like me to + come to stay with them, or still better if she could come and stay with us + for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell Mother about everything, and + perhaps it might be possible to arrange for her to live with us in Vienna + for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming to the Raimund + Theatre and she could begin her training there. At the end of her letter + she says that it rests with my discretion and my tact to make her the + happiest creature in the world! I don’t really know what I shall be able + to do. Still, I’ve made a beginning; I said I found it so frightfully dull—if + only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or even Marina. Then Mother said: + But Marina is away in the country, in Carinthia, and it’s not likely that + Ada will be able to come. Father, too, is awfully sorry that I find it so + dull, and so at supper he said: Would you really like Ada to come here? + Certainly her age makes her a better companion for you than Dora. You + seemed to get on better together last year. And then he said to Mother: Do + you think it would bother you, Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother said, + “Not a bit; if Gretel would like it; it’s really her turn now, Dora came + with me to Franzensbad, Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our + little pet has not had anything for herself; would you like it Gretel?” + “Oh yes, Mother, I should like it awfully, I’ll write directly; it’s no + fun to me to carry about that little brat the way Dora does, and jolly as + the Bad Boy’s Diary is I can’t read it all day.” So I am writing to Ada + directly, just as if <i>I</i> had thought of it and wanted her to come. I + shall be so frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada really + becomes a great actress, like Wolter whom Mother is always talking of, + then I shall have done something towards helping Vienna to have a great + actress and towards making Ada the happiest creature in the world instead + of the unhappiest. + </p> + <p> + August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything to Ada about our having + been ennobled, or as Dora says <i>re-ennobled</i>, since the family has + been noble for generations; she will find out about it soon enough when + she comes here. Mother keeps on saying: Don’t put on such airs, especially + about a thing which we have not done anything particular to deserve. But + that’s not quite fair, for unless Father had done such splendid service in + connection with the laws or the constitution or something two years ago, + sometimes sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would never have been + re-ennobled. Besides, I really can’t see why Father and Mother should have + made such a secret about it last winter. They might just as well have let + us know. But I suppose Father wanted to give us a real surprise. And he + did too; Dora’s face and the way Oswald cleared his throat!! As far as I + can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort of a face I was + making. + </p> + <p> + August 3rd. I’ve found out now why Dora is so different, that is why she + is again just as she was some time ago, before last winter. During the 4 + weeks in Fr. she has <i>found a real friend in Mother!</i> To-day I turned + the conversation to Viktor, and all she said at first was: Oh, I don’t + correspond with him any more. And when I asked: “Have you had a quarrel, + and whose fault was it?” she said: “Oh, no, I just <i>bade him farewell</i>.” + “What do you mean, bade him farewell; but he’s not really going to + America, is he?” And then she said: “My dear <i>Rita</i>, we had better + clear this matter up; I parted from him upon the well-justified wish of + our <i>dear Mother</i>.” I must say that though I’m <i>awfully, awfully</i> + fond of Mother, I really can’t imagine having her as a <i>friend</i>. How + can one have a true friendship with one’s own mother? Dora really can’t + have the least idea <i>what</i> a <i>true friendship</i> means. There are + some things it’s impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, I + could not possibly ask her: Do you know what, <i>something has happened</i>, + really means? Besides, I’m not quite sure if she does know, for when she + was 13 or 15 or 16, people may have used quite different expressions, and + the modern phrases very likely did not then mean what they mean now. And + what sort of a friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You must not go + out now, the storm may break at any moment, and just the other evening: + Dora you <i>must</i> take your shawl with you. Friendship between mother + and daughter is just as impossible as friendship between father and son. + For between friends there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what’s + even more important is that one really can’t talk about all the things + that one would like to talk of. All I said last night was: “Of course + Mother has forbidden you to talk to me about <i>certain things</i>; do you + call that a friendship?” Then she said very gently: “No, Rita, Mother has + not forbidden me, but I recognise now that it was thoughtless of me to + talk to you about those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite + soon enough.” I burst out laughing and said: “Is <i>that</i> what you call + the seriousness of life? Have you really forgotten how screamingly funny + we found it all? It seemed to me that your memory has been affected by the + mud baths.” She did not answer that. I do hope Ada will come. For <i>I</i> + need <i>her</i> now just as much as <i>she</i> needs <i>me</i>. + </p> + <p> + August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada’s coming, but not directly because they + begin their family washing on the 5th and no one can be spared to come + over with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing I’m sorry about + is that <i>she</i> will sleep in the dressing-room and not Dora. But + Mother says that Dora and I must stay together and that Ada can leave the + door into the dining-room open so that she won’t feel lonely. + </p> + <p> + August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. Dora is as mild and gentle + as a nun, but she talks to me just as little as a nun, and she’s eternally + with Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some one in Neulengbach + and so it is so horribly dull. Thank goodness Ada is coming to-morrow. + Father and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. + </p> + <p> + August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada is more than a head taller + than I am; Father said: “Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I + suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady now? And Ada said: + Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; please treat me just as you used to; I + am so happy to have come to stay with you.” And her mother said: “Yes, + unfortunately she is happy anywhere but at home; <i>that is the way with + young people to-day</i>.” Father helped Ada out and said: “Frau Haslinger, + the sap of life was rising in us once, but it’s so long ago that we have + forgotten.” And then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if she were + suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm and said under her breath: “Can + you imagine what my life is like <i>now</i>? Her mother is staying the + night here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about everything + under the sun” (that’s what Ada told me just before we went to bed); but I + did not pay much attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I’m positively + burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to talk to me about. + To-morrow morning, directly after breakfast! + </p> + <p> + August 12th. For 3 days I’ve had no time to write, Ada and I have had such + a lot to say to one another. She <i>can’t</i> and <i>won’t</i> live any + longer without art, she would <i>rather die than give up her plans</i>. + She still has to spend a year at a continuation school and must then + either take the French course for the state examination or else the + needlecraft course. But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in her + spare time she can study for the stage under Herr G. She says she is not + in love with him any longer, that he is only a <i>means to an end</i>. She + would sacrifice <i>anything</i> to reach her goal. At first I did not + understand what she meant by anything, but she explained to me. She has + read Bartsch’s novel Elisabeth Kott, the book Mother has too, and a lot of + other novels about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, that <i>a + woman cannot become a true artist until she has experienced a great love</i>. + There may be something in it. For certainly a <i>great love</i> does make + one <i>different</i>; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was madly in + love with Viktor, and the way she’s relapsed now!! She is learning Latin + again, to make up for lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her plans + because Dora <i>lacks true insight!</i> Only to-day she mentioned before + Dora that whatever happened she wanted to come to Vienna in the autumn so + that she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: You are making a + mistake, even people who live in Vienna don’t go to the theatre often; for + first of all one has very little time to spare, and secondly one often + can’t get a seat; people who live in the country often fancy that + everything is much nicer in Vienna than it really is. + </p> + <p> + August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when Ada was having a bath + Mother said to <i>us two</i>: “Girls, I’ve something to tell you; I don’t + want you to get a fright in the night. Ada’s mother told me that Ada is + very nervous, and often walks in her sleep.” “I say,” said I, “that’s + frightfully interesting, she must be <i>moonstruck</i>; I suppose it + always happens when the moon is full.” Then Mother said: “Tell me, Gretel, + how do you know about all these things? Has Ada talked to you about them?” + “No,” said I, “but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep and + Berta Franke told Hella and me about it.” It has just struck me that + Mother said: how do you know about all <i>these</i> things? So it must + have something to do with <i>that</i>. I wonder whether I dare ask Ada, or + whether she would be offended. I’m frightfully curious to see whether she + will walk in her sleep while she is staying here. + </p> + <p> + August 15th. Hella’s answer came to-day to what I had written her about + the <i>friendship</i> between Mother and Dora. Of course she does not + believe either that <i>that</i> is why Dora <i>bade farewell</i> to + Viktor, for it is no reason at all. Lizzi has never had any particular + friendship with her mother, and Hella could never dream of anything of the + sort; she thinks I’m perfectly right, one may be <i>awfully</i> fond of + one’s parents, but there simply can’t be any question of a friendship. She + would not stand it if I were so changeable in my friendships. She thinks + Dora can never have had a true friendship, and that is why she has taken + up with Mother now. The Bruckners are coming back on the 19th because + everything is so frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most likely + they will go to stay with their uncle in Hungary, or else to Fieberbrunn + in Tyrol. For Hella’s name day I have sent her A Bad Boy’s Diary because + she wanted to read it again. Now we have both got it, and can write to one + another which are the best bits so that we can read them at the same time. + </p> + <p> + August 20th. <i>Last night Ada really did walk in her sleep</i>, probably + we should never have noticed it, but she began to recite Joan of Arc’s + speech from The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once and said: + “I say, <i>Rita</i>, Ada really is walking in her sleep.” We did not stir, + and she went into the dining-room, but the dining-room door was locked and + the key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, and then she + knocked up against Mother’s sofa and that woke her up. It was horrible. + And then she lost her way and came into our room instead of going into her + own; but she was already awake and begged our pardon and said she’d been + looking for the W. Then she went back to her own room. Dora said we had + better pretend that we had not noticed it, for otherwise we should upset + Ada. Not a bit of it, after breakfast she said: “I suppose I gave you an + awful fright last night; don’t be vexed with me, I often get up and walk + about at night, I simply can’t stay in bed. Mother says I always recite + when I am walking like that; do I? Did I say anything?” “Yes,” I said, + “you recited Joan of Arc’s speech.” “Did I really,” said she, “that is + because they won’t let me go on the stage; I’m certain I shall go off my + head; if I do, you will know the real reason at any rate.” This + sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, but it makes me feel a little + creepy towards Ada, and it’s perfectly true what Dora has always said: One + never knows what Ada is really looking at. It would be awful if she were + really to go off her head. I’ve just remembered that her mother was once + in an asylum. I do hope she won’t go mad while she is staying here. + </p> + <p> + August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before last. She is so glad + that she had warned us, and Dora says that if she had not known it + beforehand she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. Father + said: “Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has inherited it from her + mother.” In the autumn Lizzi is going to England to finish her education + and will stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and sorry as I am + for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, and I’m really glad that she’s + going home again on Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day: + Alexander, he is the actor, has <i>venereal disease</i>, because he was + once an officer in the army; she says that all officers have venereal + disease, as a matter of course. At first I did not want to show that I did + not understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked her and Ada told + me that what was really amiss was that <i>that</i> part of the body either + gets continually smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or else gets + continually larger because it is so frightfully swollen; the last kind is + much better than the other, for then an operation can help; a retired + colonel who lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for <i>this</i>; but + it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for a man with a venereal + disease, that a young girl should <i>give herself</i> to a man suffering + from it! (Mad. often said that too), then she gets the disease and he is + cured. That made Ada understand that she did not really love A., but only + wanted him to train her; for she could never have done that for him, and + she did not know how she could propose <i>that</i> to him even <i>if</i> + she had been willing to. Besides, it is generally the man concerned who + asks it of the girl. And when I said: “But just imagine, what would you do + if you got a baby that way,” and she said: “That does not come into the + question, for when a man has venereal disease it is <i>impossible</i> to + have a child by him. But after all, only a woman who has had a baby can + become a true artist.” Franke, who has a cousin on the stage said + something of the same sort to Hella and me; but we thought, Franke’s + cousin is only in the Wiener Theatre, and that might be true there; but it + may be quite different in the Burg Theatre and in the Opera and even in + the People’s Theatre. I told Ada about this, and she said: Oh, well, I’m + only a girl from the provinces, but I have known for ages that <i>every</i> + actress has a child. + </p> + <p> + 23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read us a passage from a + splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, even Dora said: “Ada, you are + really phenominal!” Then she flung the book away and wept and sobbed + frightfully and said: “My parents are sinning against their own flesh and + blood; but they will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy woman + foretold of me last year: ‘A <i>great</i> but <i>short</i> career after + many difficult struggles; and my line of life is broken!’ That will all + happen as predicted, and my mother can recite that lovely poem of + Freiligrath’s or Anastasius Grun’s, or whosever it is ‘Love as long as + thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. The hour draws on, the hour draws + on, when thou shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan.’” Then Ada + recited the whole poem, and when I went to bed I kept on thinking of it + and could not go to sleep. + </p> + <p> + August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about the sleep-walking, and she + said that it was really so, when she walked in her sleep it was always at + <i>that time</i> and when the moon is full. The first time, it was last + year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten her mother, when her + mother had first told her she would not be allowed to go on the stage. It + does not seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely to gain + anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone is coming to fetch her + home, and for that reason she was crying all the morning. + </p> + <p> + August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her mother and Lizzi. Hella had a + splendid time in Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with me, to + tell me something important. That made it rather inconvenient that Ada was + still there. Hella never gets on with Ada, and she says too that one never + really knows what she is looking at, she always looks right through one. + We could not get a <i>single minute</i> alone together for a talk. I do + hope Hella will be able to come over once more before she goes to Hungary. + Last week they went to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol because an old friend of her + mother’s from Berlin is staying there. + </p> + <p> + August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father came to fetch her. He says + she has a screw loose, because she wants to go on the stage. + </p> + <p> + August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was alone and I met her at the + steam tram. At first she did not want to tell me what the important thing + was because it was <i>not flattering</i> to me, but at last she got it + out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since Hella knows Lisel because they + used to go to gym. together, they had a talk, and that cheeky Robert said: + Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time in er . . . er . . + ., and then he pretended he could not remember where it was; and he spoke + of <i>that time</i> as if it had been 10 years ago. But the most impudent + thing of all was this; he said that I had not wanted to call him Bob, + because that always made me think of a certain part of the body; I never + said anything of the kind, but only that I thought Bob silly and vulgar, + and then he said (it was before we got intimate): “Indeed, Fraulein Grete, + I really prefer that you should use my full name.” I remember it as well + as if it had happened this morning, and I know exactly where he said it, + on the way to the Red Cross. Hella took him up sharply: That may be all + quite true, we have never discussed such trifles, and, at that time we + were “all, <i>every one of us</i>, still nothing but children.” Of course + she meant to include ——. I won’t even write his name. Another + thing that made me frightfully angry is that he said: I dare say your + friend is more like you now, but at that time she was still quite + undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: “That’s not the sort of phrase + that it’s seemly to use to a young lady,” and she would not speak to him + any more. I never heard of such a thing, what business is it of his + whether I am <i>developed</i> or not! Hella thinks that I was not quite + particular enough in my choice of companions. She says that Bob is still + nothing but a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, Bob—Bub; + now we shall never call him anything but Bub; that is if we ever speak of + him at all. When we don’t like some one we shall call him simply Bob, or + better still B., for we really find it disagreeable to say Bob. + </p> + <p> + August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, Hella has gone to + Hungary, and I hardly ever talk to Dora, at least about anything <i>interesting</i>. + Ada’s letters are full of nothing but my promises about Vienna. It’s + really too absurd, I never promised anything, I merely said I would speak + to Mother about it when I had a chance. I have done so already, but Mother + said: There can be no question of anything of the kind. + </p> + <p> + September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella’s father is going to take me + to K— M—in Hungary to stay with Hella. I am so awfully + delighted. Hella is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her father + said: She can ask for anything she likes. But she did not think of + anything in particular, and had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved + up this wish. And after she had been here she wrote to her father in + Cracow, where he is at manoeuvres, saying that if he would like to grant + her her chief wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to take me + with him to K— M—; this was really the <i>greatest wish</i> + she had ever had in her life! So Colonel Bruckner called at Father’s + office to-day and showed him Hella’s letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at + the State Railway terminus. Unfortunately that’s a horrid railway. The + Western Railway is much nicer, and I like the Southern Railway better + still. + </p> + <p> + September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I’m going to Vienna alone and I have + to change at Liesing, I do hope I shall get into the right train. I got a + letter from Hella first thing this morning, in which she wrote: “Perhaps + we shall be together again in a few days.” That’s all she said about that; + I suppose she did not know yet whether I was really coming. Mother will + have to send my white blouses after me, because all but one are dirty. I’m + going to wear my coat and skirt and the pink blouse. I’m going to take + twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for I’m going to write + whatever happens, in the mornings I expect, because in the holidays I’m + sure Hella will never get up before 9; on Sundays in Vienna she would + always like to lie in bed late, but her father won’t let her. + </p> + <p> + But whatever happens I won’t learn to ride, for it must be awful to tumble + off before a strange man. It was different for Hella, for Jeno, Lajos, and + Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode close beside her with + his arm round her waist: but that would not quite do in my case. + </p> + <p> + September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like Jeno best, he goes about + with me everywhere and shows me everything; Hella is fondest of Lajos and + of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, for he was nearly + flunked in his exam. Next year Lajos will be a lieutenant, and this autumn + Jeno is going to the military academy, Erno has a slight limp, nothing + bad, but he can’t go into the army; he is going to be a civil engineer, + not here, he is to go to America some day. + </p> + <p> + I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have gone to S. on their + cycles and I have never learned. + </p> + <p> + It was lovely on the journey! It’s so splendid to travel with an officer, + and still more when he is a colonel. All the stationmasters saluted him + and the guards could not do enough to show their respect. Of course + everyone thought I was his daughter, for he has always said “Du” to me + since I was quite a little girl. But to Ada Father always says “Sie.” We + left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever it is called, and Hella’s + father hired a carriage and it took us 2 hours to drive to K— M—. + He was awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it was only half + past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters tumbling over each other to + serve him. It s just the same with Father, except that the stationmasters + don’t all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished too, but he is + not in uniform. + </p> + <p> + Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von Kraics came yesterday from + Radufalva, his best friend left him the Radufalva estate out of gratitude, + because 8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the friend was in + love. It’s true, Colonel Bruckner says that K. is a wretched milksop; but + I don’t think so at all; he has such fiery eyes, and looks a real + Hungarian nobleman. Hella says that he used to run himself frantically + into debt, because every six months he had an <i>intimacy</i> with some + new woman; and all the presents he gave <i>reduced him almost to beggary</i>. + Still, it’s difficult to believe that, for however fond a woman may be of + flowers and sweets, one does not quite see why that should reduce anyone + to beggary. Before we went to sleep last night Hella told me that Lajos + had already been “infected” more or less; she says there is not an officer + who has not got venereal disease and that is really what makes them so + frightfully interesting. Then I told her what Ada had told me about the + actor in St. P. But Hella said: I doubt if that’s all true; of course it + is more likely since he was an actor, and especially since he was in the + army at one time, but generally speaking civilians are <i>wonderfully</i> + healthy!!! And she could not stand that in her husband. Every officer has + <i>lived</i> frantically; that’s a polite phrase for having had venereal + disease, and she would never marry a man who had not <i>lived</i>. Most + girls, especially when they get a little older; want the very opposite! + and then it suddenly occurred to me that <i>that</i> was probably the <i>real</i> + reason why Dora <i>bade farewell</i> to <i>Lieutenant R</i>., and not the + <i>friendship with Mother</i>; it is really awfully funny, and no one + would have thought it of her. Hella’s father thinks me <i>charming</i>; he + is really awfully nice. Hella’s uncle hardly ever says anything, and when + he does speak he is difficult to understand; Hella’s father says that his + sister-in-law wears the breeches. That would never do for me; the man must + be the <i>master</i>. “But not too much so” says Hella. She always gets + cross when her father says that about wearing breeches. I got an awful + start yesterday; we went out on the veranda because we heard the boys + talking, and found Hella’s great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. + She told me about him once, that he’s quite off his head, not really + paralysed but only pretends to be. Hella is terribly afraid of him, + because long ago, when she was only 9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give + her a thrashing. But her uncle came in, and then he let her go. She says + he was only humbugging, but she is awfully afraid of him all the same. He + keeps his room, and he has a male attendant, because no nurse can manage + him. He ought really to be in an asylum but there is no high class asylum + in Hungary. + </p> + <p> + September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus this morning; the great uncle, + the people here call him “kutya mog” or however they spell it, and it + means <i>mad dog</i>, well, the great uncle <i>spied in on us</i>. He can + walk with a stick, our room is on the ground floor, and he came and + planted himself in front of the window when Hella was washing and I was + just getting out of bed. Then Hella’s father came and made a tremendous + row and the uncle swore horribly in Hungarian. Before dinner we overheard + Hella’s father say to Aunt Olga: “They would be dainty morsels for that + old swine, those innocent children.” We did laugh so, <i>we</i> and <i>innocent + children!!!</i> What our fathers really think of us; we innocent!!! At + dinner we did not dare look at one another or we should have exploded. + Afterwards Hella said to me: “I say, do you know that we have the same + name day?” And when I said: “What do you mean, it seems to me you must + have gone dotty this morning,” she laughed like anything and said: “Don’t + you see, December 27th, Holy Innocents’ Day!” Oh it did tickle me. She + knew that date although she’s a Protestant because December 27th is + Marina’s birthday, and in our letters we used to speak of that deceitful + cat as “The Innocent.” + </p> + <p> + The three boys and I have begun to use “Du” to one another, at supper + yesterday Hella’s father said to Erno: “You seem frightfully ceremonious + still, can’t you make up your minds to drop the ‘Sie?’” So we clinked + glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and I were standing at the window + admiring the moon, he said: “You Margot, that was not a real pledge of + good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; hurry up, before + anyone comes,” and before I could say No he had given me a kiss. After all + it was all right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with Lajos, + for it would have been horrid because of Hella, or Ilonka as they call her + here. + </p> + <p> + Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing one another, and Lajos + said: “Look Ilonka, they are setting us a good example.” We are so awfully + happy here. It’s such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and Lajos have got to + leave for the Academy, where Jeno is to enter and Lajos is in his third + year: Erno, the least interesting of the three, is staying till October. + But that is always the way of life, beautiful things pass and the dull + ones remain. We go out boating every day, yesterday and to-day by + moonlight. The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we are always + terrified that it will upset. And then they say: “You have your fate in + your own hands; buy your freedom and you will be as safe as in Abraham’s + bosom.” + </p> + <p> + September 12th. The great uncle <i>hates us</i> since what happened the + other day; whenever he sees us he threatens us with his stick, and though + we are not really afraid, because he can’t do anything to us, still it’s + rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of things, stories and sagas one + has read. That is the only thing I don’t quite like here. But we are + leaving on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often come to see the + Bruckners; I’m awfully glad. I don’t know why, I always fancied that they + could only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though they always + speak it at home when they are alone. Hella told me to-day for the first + time that all the flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday in hospital + had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell me at that time + because he wished her to keep it a secret. This has made me rather angry, + for I see that I have been much franker with her than she has been with + me. + </p> + <p> + September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we stayed up till midnight last + night. We had been to N— K—, I don’t know how to spell these + Hungarian names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It was lovely. + But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially as it is raining as well. + It’s the first time it’s rained since I came. Partings are horrid, + especially for the ones left behind; the others are going to new scenes + anyhow. But for the people left behind everything is hatefully dull and + quiet. In the afternoon Hella and I went into Jeno’s and Lajos’ room, it + had not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. Then Hella + suddenly began sobbing violently, and she flung herself on Lajos’ bed and + kissed the pillow. <i>That</i> is how she loves him! I’m sure <i>that</i> + is the way Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable of <i>such</i> + love, and then she can talk of her <i>true and intimate friendship with + Mother</i>. Hella says she has always been in love with Lajos, but that <i>her + eyes were first opened</i> when she saw Jeno and me going about together + and talking to one another. Now she will love Lajos for evermore. Next + year they will probably get engaged, she can’t be engaged till she is 14 + for her parents would not allow it. It is for her sake that he is going + into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars best. They all <i>live + frightfully hard</i>, and are tremendously smart. + </p> + <p> + September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back In Vienna, and Father, + Mother, and Dora came back from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too + funny; since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep Dora is afraid she + has been <i>infected</i>. She does not seem to know what the word really + means! And while I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept in our + room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. Of course no one takes to + walking in their sleep simply from sleeping alone, but that was only a + pretext; Dora has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather a + coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If Father had been + afraid too, I suppose I should have had to come back post-haste, and if I + had been afraid to travel alone, and there had been no one to come with + me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I told them so. Father + laughed like anything at my “<i>combinations</i>,” and Dora got in a + frightful wax. She is just as stupid and conceited as she was <i>before</i> + she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love enobles + [veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about that when he heard Hella say it + once. He said: “You’ve made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say: Love + makes fools of people [vereselt].” Of course that’s because he’s not in + love with anyone. + </p> + <p> + September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau Doktor M. is perfectly + fascinating, she looks splendid and she said the same to both of us. Thank + goodness she’s the head of our class again. In French we have a new + mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly hideous, covered with + pimples, a thing I simply can’t stand in any one; Hella says we must be + careful never to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch + them. In Maths and Physics we have another new mistress, she is a Doktor + too, and she speaks so fast that none of us can understand her; but she + looks frightfully clever, although she is very small. We call her “<i>Nutling</i>” + because she has such a tiny little head and such lovely light-brown eyes. + Otherwise the staff is the same as last year, and there are a few new + girls and some have left, but only ones we did not know intimately. This + is Franke’s last year at the Lyz., she will be 16 in April and has a + splendid figure. Her worst enemy must admit that. Dora is having English + lessons from the matron, and she is <i>awfully pleased</i> about it, for + she is one of her favourites and it will help her too in her + matriculation. + </p> + <p> + September 25th. Yesterday and the day before Mother was so ill that the + doctor had to be sent for at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she is + better now. But on such days I simply can’t write a word in my diary; I + feel as if I oughtn’t to. And the days seem everlasting, for nobody talks + much, and it’s awful at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, lying on + the sofa. + </p> + <p> + September 29th. I’ve had such an awful toothache since the day before + yesterday. Dora says it’s only an ache for a gold filling like Frau Doktor + M.‘s. Of course that’s absurd; for first of all, surely I ought to know + whether my own tooth hurts or not, and secondly the dentist says that the + tooth really is decayed. I have to go every other day and I can’t say I + enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such a frightful lot to + learn at school. The Nutling is really very nice, if one could only + understand better what she says, but she talks at such a rate that in the + Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. Nobody has ever + given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, not even an endearing one. The only one + that could possibly be given to her is Angel, and that could not be a real + name, it’s quite unmeaning. In the drawing class we are going to draw from + still life, and, best of all, animal studies too, I am so delighted. + </p> + <p> + October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were coming home from the Imperial + Festival, we met Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see us. + He was in full-dress uniform and was walking with 3 other officers whom + neither I nor Hella know. We were frightfully angry because he did not + recognise us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were both wearing our + big new autumn hats, which shade our faces very much. + </p> + <p> + October 11th. There was a frightful row in the drawing lesson to-day. + Borovsky had written a note to one of her friends: “The little Jewess, F. + (that means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia with her + horsehair pate with or without inhabitants.” Something of that sort was + what she had written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, + Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment and seized the note. “Who + is F.?”, she asked, but no one answered. That made her furious and she put + the note in her pocket. At 1 o’clock, when the lesson was over, Borovsky + went up to her and asked her for the note. Then she asked once more: “Who + is F.?” And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help Borovsky out, + said: “She forgot to write Frau Doktor Fuchs.” Then the row began. I can’t + write it all down, it would take too long; of course Borovsky will be + expelled. She cried like anything and begged and prayed, and said she did + not mean it, but Fraulein Scholl says she is going to give the letter to + the head. + </p> + <p> + October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up with a chill, so Frl. + Scholl gave the note to Frau Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good + because Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, and bad because + Frau Doktor M. was frightfully angry. She gave us a fine lecture about + True Good Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was not mixed up + in the business, for she did give Borovsky and Fellner a rating. It’s + probably true, then, that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that <i>she</i> + above all should be going to have a cruel husband; at least if all that + Resi told us is true; and I expect there is some truth in it. We are + frightfully curious to know whether the Nutling has heard anything about + it and if so what she will do. + </p> + <p> + October 13th. I don’t think the Nutling can have heard anything for she + seemed just as usual; but Hella thinks and so do I that she would not show + anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow it was horridly vulgar; + one is not likely to pass it on to the person concerned. Why we think she + does not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner were called + up. + </p> + <p> + October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought Dora’s handkerchiefs with her + monogram and the coronet, lovely; I want some like them for Christmas. And + for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, these have a coronet too; + by degrees we shall have the coronet upon everything. By the way, here is + something I’d forgotten to write: In one of the first days of term Father + gave each of us one of his new visiting cards with the new title, I was to + give mine to Frau Doktor M. and Dora hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to have + the names properly entered in the class lists. Frau Prof. Kreidl did not + say anything, but Frau Doktor M. was awfully sweet. She said: “Well, + Lainer, I suppose you are greatly pleased at this rise in rank?” And I + said: “Oh yes, I’m awfully delighted, but only inside,” then she said: + That’s right; “Religion, name, and money do not make the man.” Was not + that charming! I write the v before my name awfully small; but anyone who + knows can see it. What a shame that she is not noble! <i>She</i> would be + worthy of it!! + </p> + <p> + October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, he is to study mining, but + <i>against</i> Father’s will. But Father says that no one must be forced + into a profession, for if he is he will always say throughout life that he + only became this or that on compulsion. The other evening Dora said that + Oswald had only chosen mining in order to get away from home; if he were + to study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get away from Vienna, + and that is the chief thing to him. Besides, he is a bit of a humbug; for + when he came home from Graz after matriculation he said in so many words: + “How delightful to have one’s legs under one’s own table again and to + breathe the <i>family atmosphere</i>.” Dora promptly said to him: “Hm, you + don’t seem to care so very much about home, for always when you come home + for the holidays the first thing you do is to make plans for getting + away.” For she is annoyed too that Oswald can travel about wherever he + likes. And yet he goes on talking about being “<i>subjected to intolerable + supervision”!!</i> What about us? He can stay out until 10 at night and <i>never</i> + comes to afternoon tea, and in fact does just what he likes. If I go to + supper with Hella and am just ever so little late, there’s a fine row. As + for the lectures poor Dora had to endure when Viktor was waiting for her, + I shall never forget them. Of course she denies it all now, but I was + present at some of them so I know; otherwise he would not have called me + “the Guardian Angel.” She behaves now as if she had forgotten all about + that, so I often remind her of it on purpose when we are alone together. + The other day she said: “I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don’t speak any + more of that matter; I have buried the affair for ever.” And when I said: + “Buried, what do you mean? A true love can’t simply be <i>buried</i> like + that,” she said: “It was not a true love, and that’s all there is to say + about it.” + </p> + <p> + October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in the arithmetic lesson + to-day. All of a sudden Hella flushed dark red and I thought to myself: + Aha, that’s it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has it begun??? + for we had agreed that she would tell me directly, she will be 14 in + February and <i>it</i> will certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said: + Lainer, what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came up to the desk + and took the black-line paper. “What does that mean: Has it begun???” + Perhaps she really did not know what I meant, but several of the girls who + knew about it too laughed, and I was in a terrible fright. But Hella was + simply splendid. “Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked whether the frost had + begun yet.” “And that’s the way you spend your time in the mathematics + lesson?” But thank goodness that made things all right. Only in the + interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably stupid sometimes. What + on earth did I want to write a thing like that for? <i>When</i> it begins, + <i>of course</i> she will let me know directly. As a matter of fact it has + <i>not</i> begun yet. We have agreed now that it will be better to say + “Endt,” a sort of portmanteau word of <i>developed</i> [entwickelt] and <i>at + last</i> [endlich] . That will really be splendid and Hella says that I + happened upon it in a lucid interval. It’s really rather cheeky of her, + but after all one can forgive anything to one’s friend. She absolutely + insists that I must never again put her in such a fix in class. Of course + it happened because I am always thinking: Now then, this is the day. + </p> + <p> + November 8th. On Father’s and Dora’s birthday Mother was so ill that we + did not keep it at all. I was in a terrible fright that Mother was + seriously ill, or even that — — — — — No, I + won’t even think it; one simply must not write it down even if one is not + superstitious. Aunt Dora came last week to keep house for Mother. We are + not going skating, for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse + just when we are away. As soon as she is able to get up for long enough + Father is going to take her to see a specialist in the <i>diseases of + women</i>; so it must be true that Mother’s illness comes from <i>that</i>. + </p> + <p> + November 16th. Oh it’s horrible, Mother has to have an operation; I’m so + miserable that I can’t write. + </p> + <p> + November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she wants us to go skating to + take our thoughts off the operation. But Dora says too that it would be + brutal to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation in a few + days. Father said to us yesterday evening: “Pull yourselves together + children, set your teeth and don’t make things harder for your poor + Mother.” But I can’t help it, I cry whenever I look at Mother. + </p> + <p> + November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since Mother went away; we had to + go to school and we believed she would not leave until the afternoon, but + the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that Father had arranged all + that because I could not control myself. Well, who could? Dora cries all + day; and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. + </p> + <p> + November 28th. Thank goodness, it’s all safely over, Mother will be home + again in a fortnight. I’m so happy and only now can I realise how <i>horribly</i> + anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother at the hospital; I wish + I could go alone, but we always go all together, that is either with + Father or with Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does go to see Mother + quite alone, she gave herself away to-day about the flowers, she behaves + as if Mother were only <i>her</i> mother. On Thursday, the first time we + saw Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, although the operation had + made her quite well again. Unfortunately yesterday, Aunt Alma was there + when we were, and Father said that seeing so many people at once was too + exciting for Mother, and we must go away. Of course he really meant that + Aunt Alma and Marina had better go away, but Aunt did not understand or + would not. Why on earth did Aunt come? We hardly ever meet since the + trouble about Marina and that jackanapes Erwin; only when there is a + family party; Oswald says it’s not a family gathering but a family + dispersal because nearly always some one takes offence. + </p> + <p> + November 30th. To-day I managed to be <i>alone</i> with Mother. At school + I said I had an awfully bad headache and asked if I might go home before + the French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother was that Frau Doktor + Dunker was ill, so we had no lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies to + an invalid, but this was a <i>pious fraud</i> as Hella’s mother always + calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, because Frau Doktor + Dunker has nothing to do with the Fourth, so Dora won’t hear anything + about it. Mother said she was <i>awfully pleased</i> to be able to see <i>me</i> + alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora does go alone. Mother was + so sweet, and Sister Klara said she was a perfect angel in goodness and + patience. Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe me. At first, + after I got home, I did not want to say anything about it, but when we + were putting on our things after dinner to go and see Mother I said en + passant as it were: “This is the second time I shall be seeing Mother + to-day.” And when Dora said: What do you mean? I said quite curtly: “One + of our lessons did not come off, and so I took the chance <i>too</i> of + being able to see Mother <i>alone</i>.” Then she said: Did the porter let + you in without any trouble? It surprises me very much that such <i>very</i> + young girls, who are almost children still, are allowed to go in alone. + Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: “Oh well, nobody thinks + Gretl quite a child now, and <i>both of you</i> can go alone to the + hospital all right.” On the way we did not speak to one another. + </p> + <p> + December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took Mother a big flower pot, and + tied to the stick was a label on which Father had written; “Being ill is + punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense of Section 7 the + Mothers’ and Housewives’ Act.” Mother was frightfully amused. The doctor + says she is going on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in a + few days. + </p> + <p> + December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the evening when we were leaving the + dining-room Father said: “Gretl you have forgotten something.” And when I + came back he took me by the hand and said: “Why didn’t you tell me that + you want so much to see Mother <i>alone</i>? You need not make such a + secret of it.” And then I burst out crying and said: “Yes, I need not keep + it secret from you, but I don’t like Dora to know all about it. Did she + tell you what happened the other day?” But Father does not know anything + about my pretended headache, but only that I wanted so much to see Mother + alone. He was awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying: “You are a + dear little thing, little witch, I hope you always will be.” But I got + away as quick as I could, for I felt so ashamed because of my fibbing. If + it were not for Dora I’m sure I should never tell any lies. + </p> + <p> + December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went to see Mother in the + morning, and Aunt and Dora went in the afternoon. And since Father had to + go into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a friend, I went on + alone to see Mother and he came in afterwards. Mother asked me about my + Christmas wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she should get + well and live for ever. I was awfully glad that Dora was not there, for I + could never have got that out before her. Still, she made me tell her my + wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs with “monogram and + coronet,” visiting cards with <i>von</i>, a satchel like that which most + of the girls in the <i>higher</i> classes have, and the novel Elizabeth + Kott. But I am not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified and said: + My darling child, that’s not the sort of book for you; who on earth put + that into your head; Ada, I suppose? From what I know of your tastes, it + really would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, but I’m + certain I should not find the book stupid. + </p> + <p> + December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; we did not know what time + she was coming, but only that it was to be to-day. And because I was so + glad that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three songs, and + Mother said: That is a good omen when one is greeted with a song. Then + Dora was annoyed because <i>she</i> had not thought of singing. We had + decorated the whole house with flowers. + </p> + <p> + December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for Mother and Dora is making + her a footstool so that she can sit quite comfortably when she is reading. + For Father we have bought a new brief bag because his own is so shabby + that it makes us quite ashamed; but he always says: “It will do for a good + while yet.” For a long time I did not know what to get for Aunt Dora, and + at length we have decided upon a lace fichu; for she is awfully fond of + lace. I am giving Hella a sketch book and a pencil case; she draws + beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora I am getting a + vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette case with a horse’s head on it, for + he is frightfully taken up with racing and the turf. + </p> + <p> + December 16th. Owing to Mother’s illness I’ve had simply no time to write + anything about the school, although there has been a <i>great deal</i> to + write about, for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again, although he + no longer gives us lessons, and that most of the girls can’t bear the + Nutling because she makes such favourites of the Jewish girls. It’s quite + true that she does, for example Franke, who is never any good, will + probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and Physics; and she lets Weinberger + do anything she likes. I always get Excellent both for school work and + prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but Berbenowitsch is + frightfully put out because she is no longer the favourite as she was with + Frau Doktor St. The other day it was quite unpleasant in the Maths lesson. + In the answer to a sum there happened to be 1-3, and then the Nutling + asked what 1-3 would be as a decimal fraction; so we went on talking about + recurring [periodic] decimals and every time she used the word <i>period</i>, + some of the girls giggled, but luckily some of them were Jews, and she got + perfectly savage and simply screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St’s lesson in + the First, some of the girls giggled at the same thing and she went on + just as if she had not noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of <i>periodic + places</i>, and then one does not think of the real meaning so much. Frau + Doktor F. said she should complain to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly + behaviour. But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella and I + simply exchanged glances and understood one another at once. I can’t + endure that idiotic giggling. + </p> + <p> + December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he’s fine. It’s quite true that he + has really had a moustache for a long time, but was not allowed to grow it + at the Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes every Saturday, and + they <i>have</i> to be shaved. He always says that at the Gymnasium + everything manly is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not a man and + need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a splendid moustache now. Hella + did not recognise him at first and drew back in alarm, she only knew him + after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned it up, and find that she has + not seen him since the Easter before last. At first he called her + Fraulein, but her mother said: Don’t be silly. It did not seem silly to + me, but most polite!!! + </p> + <p> + December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald is home again and he + really is awfully nice; he is giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron group + representing a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground some + roe deer as if in a pasture. + </p> + <p> + December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother was very well yesterday, + and it has not done her any harm to stay up so long. I am so happy. We + both got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, they have been + made out of some earrings which Mother never wears now. But the nice thing + about it is that they are made from her earrings. The satchel and + Stifter’s Tales are awfully nice and so are the handkerchiefs with the + coronet and everything else. Hella gave me a reticule with my monogram and + the coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora and me small paperweights and + Father a big one, bronze groups. We really need two writing tables, but + there is no room for two. So I am going to arrange the little corner table + as my writing table and have all my things there. + </p> + <p> + December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it was really awful. Hella’s + mother is perfectly right; when anyone looks like <i>that</i> she ought + not to pay visits when she knows that other people may be there. Hella + told me the day before yesterday how frightfully noticeable it is in her + cousin that she is in an i— c—! Her mother was very much put + out on her account and she wanted to prevent Emmy’s standing up. We were + simply disgusted and horrified. But her husband is awfully gentle with + her; She is certainly not pretty and especially the puffiness under her + eyes is horrid. They say that many women look like that when they are pr. + She was wearing a <i>maternity dress</i>, and that gives the whole show + away! Hella says that some women look awfully pretty when they are in an i— + c—, but that some look hideous. I do hope I shall be one of the + first kind, if I ever . . . No, it is really horrible, even if it makes + one pretty; when I think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like last + summer, yet Father has always said she is a a perfect beauty. Really no + one is pretty in an i— c—. Soon after tea Hella and I went up + to her room, and she said it had really been too much for her and that she + could not have stood it much longer. And we went on talking about it for + such a long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. On Sunday + Emmy and her husband are coming to dine with the Brs., and Hella begged me + to ask her to dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of course + she is coming here and thank goodness that will save her from feeling ill. + And then she said that I must not think she wanted to come to us because + of Oswald, but only for that <i>other</i> reason. I understand that + perfectly well, and she does not need to make any excuses to me. + </p> + <p> + 29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing a new dress, a light + strawberry colour, and it suited her admirably. In the evening Oswald + said: “two or three years more, and Hella will look ripping.” It does + annoy me so this continual <i>will</i>. Hella’s father simply said of me + that I <i>was</i> charming,, and not that idiotic: I <i>was going to + become</i> charming. I do hate the way people always talk out into the + future. However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. In the + afternoon, when Hella and I were talking about him, I wanted to turn the + conversation to Lajos, but she flushed up and said he was utterly false, + for since October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, just + when they were going to the theatre. Of course he says he does not care a + jot about the visits unless he can see her alone. She can’t realise that + that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it perfectly. But it is + really monstrous that Jeno has asked after me only once, quite casually. + And he really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But that’s what + young men are like. The proverb really applies to them: Out of sight out + of mind. + </p> + <p> + December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but only in the morning for a + quarter of an hour. Not a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in + the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in an appearance, though I’m + sure she was at home. He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has the + same lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well-cut lips; but he + is very tall and she is quite small half a head shorter than Mother. We + owe them a call, but I don’t much think that we shall go. + </p> + <p> + December 31st. I really have no time, since this is New Year’s Eve, but I + simply <i>must</i> write. Dora and I went skating this morning, and we met + Viktor on the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke to us; + Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her and said that she must allow + him to have a talk, so he came skating with us since she would not go to a + confectioner’s with him. She was certainly quite right not to go to a + confectioner’s. Of course I don’t know what they talked about, but in the + afternoon Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye to me; + it’s impossible that he can have forgotten, so either I must have been too + far away at the time, or else Dora did not want him to; most likely the + latter. I’m frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately in love with + her. But she won’t come to her senses until it is too late. I don’t think + she has said a word to Mother either. But all the afternoon she was + playing melancholy music, and that shows how much she had felt it. + </p> + <p> + January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write because we had callers, + pretty dull for the most part, the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. is + such a stupid creature, and I don’t believe she knows the first thing + about <i>those matters</i>; Annie is not quite all there, Lotte is the + only tolerable one. Still, since we played round games for prizes, it was + not as dull as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite nice boys. + In the evening Mother was so tired out that Father said he really must put + a stop to all this calling; I can’t say I care much myself for <i>that</i> + sort of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about <i>books</i>. + People always talk about such frightfully dull books whenever they have + nothing else to say. School began again to-day, with a German lesson thank + goodness. Though I’m not superstitious in general, I must say I do like a + good beginning. Besides, first thing in the morning we met two + chimneysweeps, and without our having tried to arrange it in any way they + passed us on our <i>left</i>. That ought to bring good luck. + </p> + <p> + January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday evening — — + — —! She did not come to school yesterday, for the day before + she felt frightfully bad, and her mother really began to think she was + going to have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of that!!! She looks + so ill and interesting, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her; + and at first she did not want to tell me what was the matter. But when I + said I should go away if she did not tell me, she said: “All right, but + you must not make such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look at + me.” “Very well,” I said, “I won’t look, but tell me everything about it.” + So then she told me that she had felt frantically bad, as if she was being + cut in two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, and then she + had frantically high fever and shivered at the same time, all Friday, and + yesterday — — — tableau!! And then her mother told her + the chief things, though she knew them already. Earlier on Friday the + doctor had said: “Don’t let us be in a hurry to think about a relapse, + there may be <i>other!!</i> causes.” And then he whispered to her mother, + but Hella caught the word <i>enlighten</i>. Then she knew directly what + time of day it was. She acted the innocent to her mother, as if she knew + nothing at all, and her mother kissed her and said, now you are not a + child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. How absurd, so <i>I</i> + am still a child! After all, on July 30th I shall be 14 too, and at least + one month before I shall have it too, so I shan’t be a <i>child</i> for + more than six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, but she is + really a little puffed up about it; she won’t admit that she is, but I + noticed it quite clearly. The only girl I know who did not put on airs + when that happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is awfully shy, + and before her father too. But her mother has promised her not to tell + him. If only one can trust her!!! + </p> + <p> + January 7th. Hella came to school to-day <i>in spite of everything</i>. I + kept on looking at her, and in the interval she said: “I have told you + already that you must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is the + second time I’ve had to speak to you about it. One must not make a joke + about such things.” I was not going to stand that. One must not look at + her; very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from her; then + suddenly she hooked one of my feet with hers so that I nearly burst out + laughing, and she said: “Do look round, for that way is even stupider.” Of + course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she told Hella to go + on reading, but Hella said promptly that she felt very unwell, and that + what she had said to me was, she would have to go home at 12. All the + girls looked at one another, for they all know what <i>unwell</i> means, + and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella had better leave directly, but she + answered in French—that pleases Dunker awfully—that she would + rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply splendid! + </p> + <p> + January 12th. We went to the People’s Theatre to-day to the matinee of The + Fourth Commandment. The parting from the grandmother was lovely; almost + everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying because Dora was only + two places from me, and so did Hella, probably for the same reason. Anyway + she was not paying much attention to the play for in the main interval + Lajos, who had been in the stalls, came up and said how d’you do to Hella + and her mother. He wanted to go home with them after the performance. Jeno + has mumps, it is a horrid sort of illness and if I had it I should never + admit it. Those illnesses in which one is swelled up are the nastiest of + all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have been invited to the Brs. + and of course they asked me too, I am so glad. + </p> + <p> + January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, we have such a frantic + lot of work, especially in French in which we are very backward, at least + Dunker says so!! She can’t stand Madame Arnau, that’s obvious. For my part + I liked Mad. Arnau a great deal better, if only because she had no + pimples. And Prof. Jordan’s History class is awfully difficult, because he + always makes one find out the causes for oneself; one has to learn <i>intelligently!</i>, + but that is very difficult in History. No one ever gets an Excellent from + him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, but she learns out of a book, not our + class book, but the one on which Herr Prof. J. bases his lectures. And + because she reads it all up beforehand, naturally she always knows all the + causes of the war and the <i>consequences</i>. Really <i>consequences</i> + means something quite different, and so Hella and I never dare look at one + another when he is examining us and asks: What were the consequences of + this event? Of course the Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was laughing at + <i>him</i> when she was only laughing at <i>consequences</i>; and it was + impossible for her to explain, especially to a gentleman!!!! + </p> + <p> + January 20th. When Dora and I were coming home from skating to-day we met + Mademoiselle, and I said how d’you do to her at once, and I was asking her + how <i>she</i> (much emphasised) was getting on, when suddenly I noticed + that Dora had gone on, and Mademoiselle said: “Your sister seems in a + great hurry, I don’t want to detain her.” When I caught Dora up and asked + her: “Why did you run away?” she tossed her head and said: “That sort of + company does not suit me.” “What on earth do you mean, you were so awfully + fond of Mad., and besides she is really lovely.” That’s true enough, she + said; but it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all that—you + know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents’ backs <i>cannot possibly + lead to</i> happiness. Then I got in such a fearful temper and said: “Oh + do shut up. Father and Mother did not know anything about Viktor either, + and you were happy enough then. It is just the secrecy that makes one so + happy.” Then she said very softly: “Dear Grete, you too will change your + views,” and then we did not say another word. But I was awfully angry over + her meanness; for first of all she wanted to hear the whole story, + although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she pretends that <i>she</i> + did not wish it. If I only knew where to find Mad. I would warn her. + Anyhow, this day week at 7 I shall take care to be in W. Street, and + perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has a private lesson somewhere in + that neighborhood. + </p> + <p> + January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, <i>in spite of</i> the + operation. I have decided that I won’t go on Sunday to the Brs. although + Jeno will be there, and that I won’t wait about for Mademoiselle on + Monday. I have not told Hella anything about this for she would probably + say it was very stupid of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora has + twice spoken to me pointedly about a <i>clear conscience</i>, but because + I don’t enjoy anything when Mother is ill. + </p> + <p> + January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she asked Aunt Dora: “By the + way, Dora, has Grete put a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready for + the Brs. to-morrow?” Then I said: “I’m not going Mother,” and Mother + asked: “But why not, surely not on my account?” Then I rushed up to her + and said: “I can’t enjoy anything when you are ill.” And then Mother was + so awfully sweet, and she wept and said: “<i>Such moments</i> make one + forget all pains and troubles. But really you <i>must</i> go, besides I’m + a good deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be quite well again.” So + I answered: “All right, I’ll go, but only if you are <i>really</i> well. + But you must tell me <i>honestly</i>.” But in any case I shan’t go to meet + Mademoiselle on Monday. + </p> + <p> + January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at school, so I could not write + yesterday. We had a heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides + ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. Lajos is enough to + give one fits; it was absolutely ripping the way he imitated the wife of + Major Zoltan in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly write about + it, for my hand shakes so with laughing when I think of it. And then, + while Hella and Lajos were singing songs together, Jeno told me that every + student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a <i>real</i> one. Mostly in + Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt though that is dangerous because of + being caught. All the officers know about it, but no one must be found + out. Then I told him about Oswald’s affair and he said: “Oswald was a + great donkey, you’ll excuse me for saying so since he’s your brother; but + really he made a fool of himself. He was only a civilian; it’s quite + different in the army.” Then I got cross and said: “That’s all very well, + Jeno, but you are not an officer yourself, so I don’t see how you can know + anything about it.” Then he said to Hella: “I say, Ilonka, you must keep + your friend in better order, she is rather inclined to be insubordinate.” + She is to make a written note of every act of <i>insubordination</i>, and + then he will administer <i>exemplary</i> punishment. All very fine, but it + will take two to that. + </p> + <p> + January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle really passed through W. + Street again at 7 o’clock on Monday, for she certainly said very + distinctly: “Au revoir, ma cherie!” She is so pretty and so pale; perhaps + she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous about — — + — That would be terrible. We wonder whether she knows about certain + means, but one simply can’t tell her. + </p> + <p> + February 2nd. I’ve had a wonderful idea and Hella thinks it a positive + inspiration. We are going to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about those + means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise my writing. We + think something of that sort must have happened to Mademoiselle, for the + other day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: “If we had known that, we + should never have engaged her for the children; it will be a terrible + thing for her parents.” And Aunt Dora said: “Yes, those are the sort of + people who hide their disgrace under the water.” It seems quite clear, for + <i>disgrace</i> means an <i>illegitimate</i> child. And the worst of it + is, that they know that she has done <i>that</i>. We must help the poor + thing. And <i>that</i> is why Dora is so indignant all of a sudden. But + how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in Mademoiselle; if there + had been I should certainly have seen it, for Hella often says I’ve a keen + eye for it. That is quite true, I was the first person to notice it in the + maid at Prof. Hofer’s, when even Father had not noticed it. + </p> + <p> + February 4th. Well, we have written to her, at least Hella has, saying + there are <i>such</i> means, and that she will find all the details in the + encyclopedia. We have addressed it to F. M. and signed it “Someone who + understands you.” Unfortunately we shall never be able to find out whether + she got the letter, but the main thing is that she <i>should</i>. + </p> + <p> + February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a letter can give one! In + the interval to-day the school servant came up to me and said: Please are + you Fraulein Lainer of the Third. “There is a letter for you.” I blushed + furiously, for I thought, it must be from Mademoiselle, but my blushing + made Frau Berger think it must be from a young man: “Really I ought to + give it to the head mistress; I am not allowed to deliver any letters to + the pupils, but in your case I will make an exception. But please remember + if it happens again I shall have to hand it in to the office.” Then I + said: “Frau Berger, I am quite certain it is not from a gentleman, but + from a young lady,” and when she gave it to me I saw directly that it + really was not from a gentleman but only from Ada! It really is too stupid + of her! At the New Year she reproached me for having broken my word, and + now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund Theatre or at the People’s + Theatre whether Herr G. is there; she says she can’t live without him in + St. P. But in the holidays she told me that she was not in love with him, + that for her he was only <i>a means to an end</i>. I’m absolutely certain + she said that. Nothing will induce me to go to enquire at a theatre <i>office</i>, + and Hella says too that to make <i>such</i> a suggestion is a piece of + impudence. I shall just write her an ordinary letter, telling her what a + row she might have got me into at school. I really think Ada has a bee in + her bonnet, as Father always says. + </p> + <p> + February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! I was sent for to the office + to-day because the school servant had complained that on two occasions I + had thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It’s quite true that I + did drop one piece there yesterday, but I pushed it out of the way with my + foot into the corner, and as for any other time I know nothing about it. + But I see which way the wind is blowing. Frau Berger thought I would give + her some money for that letter; just fancy, how absurd, money for a letter + like that, I wouldn’t give 20 kreuzer for such a letter. But since then + she’s been in a frightfully bad temper, I noticed it on Wednesday when we + were wiping our shoes at the door. What I said to the head was: “It + happened only once, and I kicked the peel into the corner where no one + could tread on it, but I certainly did not do it twice, and Bruckner can + confirm what I say.” Then the head said: “Oh well, we need not make a + state affair of it, but the next time you drop something, please pick it + up.” Frau Berger is furious, and all we girls in our class have decided + that while we won’t make more mess than we need, still, we shan’t be too + particular. If any one of us happens to drop a piece of paper she will + just let it lie. Such cheek, one really can’t stand it! + </p> + <p> + February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have not got any + Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and Excellent. Father and Mother are + awfully pleased and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed Dora has + practically nothing but Excellents, only three Praiseworthies; but she + studies frantically hard, and she is learning Latin again with Frau Doktor + M. If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, I shall go too, + for that way we shall have her for 3 hours longer each week. By the way, + Franke has actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics, though she’s + hardly any good. The Nutling seems to give extraordinarily good reports, + for twice in the Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an Unsatisfactory, and + yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. With Frau Doktor M. one has + really to deserve one’s report, and it was just the same last year with + Fr. Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr Prof. Jordan. Not a single one + of us has got an Excellent except that deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. + To-morrow the Brs. are giving a great birthday party because of Hella’s + 14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are coming and the two Ehrenfelds, because + Hella is very fond of them, especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 + days older than Kitty, for they are <i>twins!!</i> How awful!!! They only + came to the Lyz this year, and Hella meets them skating every day, I don’t + because we have no season tickets this year but only take day tickets when + we can go, because of Mother’s illness. I am giving Hella an electric + torch with a very powerful reflector, so that it really lights up the + whole room, and an amber necklace. + </p> + <p> + February 14th. It’s a good thing that we have the half-term holiday to-day + and to-morrow for that gives me time to write all about yesterday. It was + simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many happy returns quite early, + and I stayed to dinner and Lajos and Jeno had been invited to dinner too + in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought a box of sweets, and 3 + of Hella’s girl cousins and two boys, one of whom is frightfully stupid + and never speaks a word, and several aunts and other ladies, for the + grown-ups had their friends too. But we did not bother about them, for the + dining-room, Lizzi’s room, and Hella’s room had been arranged for us. + Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers that they nearly gave us a + headache. At dinner Lajos proposed a toast to Hella and another at tea. + Hella was splendid, and in the evening she said to me: “At 14 one really + does become a different being.” For in proposing his toast Lajos had said + that every 7 years a human being is completely changed, and Hella thinks + that is perfectly true. Thank goodness, <i>in 6 1/2 months I shall change + my whole being too</i>. There really did seem to be something different + about her, and when we all had to blow to extinguish the candles on her + birthday cake, all except the life-light in the middle, as a sign that the + other years have passed, she really got quite pale, for she was afraid + that in joke or through awkwardness some one would blow out her + life-light. Thank goodness it was all right. I don’t much care for such + things myself, for I’m always afraid that something might happen. Of + course I know that it’s only a superstition, but it would have been + horribly unpleasant if anyone had blown out the life-light. <i>Openly!!</i> + Lajos gave Hella an enormous <i>square</i> box of sweets, and <i>secretly!!</i> + a silver ring with a heart pendant. He wanted her to wear this until it is + replaced by a <i>gold</i> one—the <i>wedding</i> ring. But she can’t + because of her parents, so she begged me to allow her to say that I had + given it her, but that would not do either because of Father and Mother. + <i>These</i> things are such a nuisance, and that is why no young man will + ever go on living at home where one is continually being questioned about + everything one has, and does, and wears. After tea we sang: “Had I but + stayed on my lonely Hearth” and other sad songs, because they are the + prettiest, and in the evening we danced while Hella’s Father played for + us; and then Elwira, the tall cousin, danced the czardas with Lajos, it + was wonderful. I’ve never known such a birthday party as yesterday’s. It’s + only possible in winter; you can never have anything like it on my + birthday, July 30th, for the people one is fondest of are never all + together at that time. Really no one ought to have a birthday in the + holiday months, but always sometime between the end of September and June. + I do wish I were 14, I simply can’t wait. Hella’s mother said to Hella, + You are not a child any longer, but a grown-up; I do wish I were too!!! + </p> + <p> + February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All the girls and all the staff + are delighted with her. She is so small she might be only 10, but awfully + pretty. She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don’t agree) + hanging down to her shoulders, large brown eyes, a lovely mouth, and a + complexion like milk and roses. She is the daughter of a bank manager in + Hamburg; he shot himself, I don’t know why. Of course she is in mourning + and it suits her wonderfully. She has a strong North German accent. Frau + Doktor Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is awfully fond of + her too. + </p> + <p> + February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day with Anneliese. She is + called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. Her mother has been so frightfully upset by + her father’s death that she’ll probably have to be sent to a sanatorium; + that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna to stay with her uncle. He is a + professor and they live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora thinks her charming + too, the whole school is in love with her, she is going to gym. with us; I + am so glad. Of course she won’t stand near Hella and me because she’s so + small; but we can always keep an eye on her, show her everything, and help + her with the apparatus. Hella is a trifle jealous and says: “It seems to + me that Anneliese has quite taken my place in your affections.” I said + that was not a bit true, but did she not think Anneliese awfully loveable? + “Yes,” said Hella, “but one must not neglect old friends on that account.” + “I certainly shan’t do anything of the kind; but Anneliese really needs + some one who will show her everything and explain everything.” Besides, + the head mistress and Frau Doktor M. placed her in front of me and said to + us: “Give her a helping hand.” + </p> + <p> + February 20th. It’s such a pity that I can’t ask Anneliese here, for + Mother has been in bed for the last week. But she is going to Hella’s on + Sunday, and since I am going too of course I am frightfully glad. + Naturally I would much rather have her here; but unfortunately it’s + impossible because of Mother. Dora thinks that Mother will have to have + another operation, but I don’t believe it, for <i>such</i> an operation + can only be done <i>once</i>. What I can’t understand is why there should + be anything wrong with Mother if the operation was successful. Dora is + afraid that Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I don’t believe + she has, because if one has cancer one can’t recover. + </p> + <p> + February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! Anneliese did not come + until 4, for they don’t have dinner until 3. She wore a white embroidered + frock with black silk ribbons. Hella’s mother kissed her with tears in her + eyes. For her mother really is in a sanatorium because is suffering from + <i>nervous</i> disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle and aunt. But + she often cries because of her father and mother. Still, she enjoyed + herself immensely in the round games, winning all the best prizes, a + pocket comb and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a negro with a + vase, and other things as well. I won a pen-wiper, a double vase, a pencil + holder, a lot of sweets, and a note book, Hella won a lot of things too, + and so did her two cousins and Jenny. + </p> + <p> + Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the Wacht am Rhein and a lot of + folk songs; her voice is as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I + stayed till 8. + </p> + <p> + March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in vised to Anneliese’s. I am + so awfully glad. I shall ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse + and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature went up to 54 degrees + to-day. + </p> + <p> + March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese’s. She shares a room with her + cousin; she is only 11 and goes to the middle school, but she is a nice + girl I expected to find everything frightfully smart at Professor Arndt’s, + but it was not so at all. They have only 3 rooms not particularly well + furnished. He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their granddaughter, she + lives with them because her father is in Galicia, a captain or major I + think. It was not so amusing as at Hella’s. We played games without + prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for the sake of the + prizes, but what’s the use of playing if one does not win anything? Then + they read aloud to us out of a story book. But what Hella and I found + exasperating was that Anneliese’s uncle said “Du” to us both. For Hella is + 14, and I shall be 14 in a few months. But Hella was quite right; in + conversation she said: “At the High School only the mistresses say Du to + us, the professors <i>have</i> to say Sie.” Unfortunately he went away + soon after, so we don’t know whether he took the hint. Hella says too that + it was not particularly entertaining. + </p> + <p> + March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; of course Father has not + told us so, but she has to have another operation. Dora has cried her eyes + out and my knees are trembling. She’s going to hospital on Friday. Aunt + Dora is coming back on Thursday and will stay here till Mother is well + again. I do so dread the operation, and still more Mother’s going away. + It’s horrible, but still lots of people have cancer and don’t die of it. + </p> + <p> + March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. Oh I am so glad! + Everything is so quiet in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the + passages. Mother said: “I don’t want to stay here any longer, let me go + back to my children.” We went to see Mother in hospital every day and took + her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed to eat anything + during the first few days after the operation. But it’s quite different + now that she’s home again. I should have liked to stay away from school + to-day, but Mother said: “No, children, go to school, do it to please me.” + So of course we went, but I simply could not attend to my lessons. + </p> + <p> + March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks frightfully ill and still has + a lot of pain. I’m sure the doctors can’t really understand her case; for + if they had operated properly she would not still have pain after the <i>second</i> + operation. I should like to know <i>what</i> Mother has been talking to + Dora about, for they both cried. Although Dora and I are on good terms + now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised Mother not to speak + about it. I can’t believe that Mother has told Dora a <i>secret</i>, but + perhaps it was something about marrying. For Dora only said: “Besides, + Mother did not need to say that to me, for my mind was quite made up in + any case.” I do hate such hints, it’s better to say nothing at all. As + soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia for a change, and most + likely Dora will go with her. + </p> + <p> + March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia next week. Dora thinks I + envy her the journey, and she said: “I would <i>willingly</i> renounce the + journey and the seaside if only Mother would get well. And this year when + I have to matriculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure.” I’m so + awfully miserable that I simply can’t wear a red ribbon in my hair, though + red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but since yesterday a + brown one, for Mother said: “Oh, Gretel, do give up that black ribbon; it + looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all.” Of course I could not tell + Mother <i>how</i> I was feeling, so I took the brown one and said the red + ribbon was quite worn out. + </p> + <p> + April 12th. I never get my diary written. It’s so gloomy at home for + Mother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easter + holidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to have + gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year they are + probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach or Mitterberg + near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don’t feel inclined, + and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not; for she said: “So + I shall have all my three darlings together here at Easter.” When she said + that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out of the room so that she might + not see me. But she must have seen, for after dinner she said: “Gretel, if + you really <i>want</i> to go with the Bruckners, I should like you to; I + should be so glad for you to have a little pleasure, you have not had much + enjoyment all the winter.” And then I could not stop myself, and I burst + out crying and said: “No, Mother, I won’t go on any account. All I want is + that you should get quite well again.” And then Mother cried too and said: + “Darling, I’m afraid I shall never be quite well again, but I should like + to stay until you are all grown up; after that you won’t need me so much.” + Then Dora came in and when she saw that Mother was crying she said that + Father had sent for me. He hadn’t really but in the evening she told me + that Mother’s illness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to + upset her or let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot + and promised one another that we would always stay with Father. + </p> + <p> + May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are all + so awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father + speaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good. + It’s not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feel + as if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one is + always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her something or tell + her something. And when we go to bed we talk about her for such a long + time, and then I dream about her all night. Why should people die? Or at + least only quite old people, who no longer have anyone to care about it. + But a mother and a father ought never to die. The night after Mother died + Hella wanted me to come and stay with them, but I preferred to stay at + home; but late in the evening I did not dare to go into the hall alone, so + Dora went with me. Father had locked the door into the drawing-room, where + Mother was laid out, but all the same it was awfully creepy. They did not + call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; I should have so liked to + see her once more. Good God, why should one die? If only I had been called + Berta after her; but she did not wish that either of us should be called + after her, nor did Father wish it in Oswald’s case. + </p> + <p> + May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing made me frightfully angry with + Dora, at least not really angry but hurt, that <i>she</i> should have gone + into church and come out of church with Father. For <i>I</i> have always + gone with Father and Dora has always gone with Mother. And while poor + Mother was in hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral Father + went with her, and I had to go with Aunt Dora. A few days later I spoke to + her about it, and she said it was quite natural because she is the elder. + She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, that that would have been + the proper thing. But he went alone. Another thing that annoys me is this; + when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and I sat on the same side of + the table at dinner and supper, and Aunt sat opposite Mother, and when + Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. After she died Oswald + sat on the fourth side, and now for about a week Dora has been sitting in + Mother’s place. I can’t understand how Father can allow it! + </p> + <p> + May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. For we had breast of + veal, and we had had the same thing on the day of poor Mother’s funeral, + and when the joint was brought in I happened to look at Dora and saw that + she was quite red and was sobbing frightfully. Then I could not contain + myself any more and said: “I can’t eat any breast of veal, for on Mother’s + burial day — — —,” then I could not say any more, and + Father stood up and came round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out + crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that we should never have + breast of veal again. For tea, Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we + had eaten hardly anything at dinner. + </p> + <p> + May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora’s written matriculation. Father + wanted her to withdraw because she looks so ill, but she would not for she + said it would be a distraction for her and that she would like to finish + with the High School. Next year she is to go to a preparatory school for + the Gymnasium. She ought really to go to a dancing class, for she is + nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is quite impossible and of + course she does not want to go anyhow. The head thought too that Dora + would withdraw from the examination because she is so overwrought, but she + did not want to withdraw. The staff were so awfully sweet to us after + Mother’s death, at least the women teachers were. The professors don’t + bother themselves about our private concerns, for they only see us for 1 + or 2 hours a week. Frau Doktor Steiner, from whom we don’t have any + lessons this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw plainly that she had + tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. was an angel as she always is! We + did not go to the spring festival on May 20th, though Father said we could + go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were awfully anxious that I should go; + but I would not, and indeed I shall never go to any more amusements. No + doubt the others enjoyed themselves immensely, but for Dora and me it + would have been horrible. In the evenings I often fancy to myself that it + is not really true, that Mother has simply gone to Franzensbad and will be + back soon. And then I cry until my head aches or until Dora says: “Oh + Gretel, I do wish you’d stop, it’s awful.” She often cries herself, I can + hear her quite well, but <i>I</i> never say anything. + </p> + <p> + June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother’s death as <i>a sign of God’s + displeasure against Father!</i> But what could <i>we</i> have done to + prevent it? She said, Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have + done, and above all we had secrets from Mother. That is why God has + punished us. It’s horrible, and now that she is always speaking of the eye + of God and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid to go into a + dark room, because I always feel there is some one there who is eying me + and wants to seize me. + </p> + <p> + June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; yesterday evening, when + I opened the drawing-room door and there was Father coming out, quite + unintentionally I gave a yell, and when Father asked what was the matter I + told him about God’s displeasure; only I did not tell him it was against + him, but only against Dora and me. And then Father was frightfully angry + for the first time since Mother’s death, and he told Dora she was not to + upset me with her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora nearly had an attack + of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent for. Aunt came to sleep + in our room and we both had to take bromide. To-day Father was awfully + kind to us and said: “Girls, you’ve no reason to reproach yourselves, you + have always been good children, and I hope you always will be good.” Yes, + I will be, for Mother’s eye watches over us. Hella thinks I look very + poorly, and she asked me to-day whether perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her + that I would not talk about such things any more, that it would be an + offence to my Mother’s memory. She wanted to say something more, but I + said: “No, Hella, I simply won’t talk about <i>that</i> any more. You + can’t understand, because your mother is still alive.” + </p> + <p> + June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want to think any more about + <i>such</i> things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I’m in a + frightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girl from + the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: “The head mistress + wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office directly.” All + the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When we came into the + office, the door of the head’s room was shut and Fraulein N. told us to + wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside a lady was sitting, + and she looked at me through a lorgnon. “Do you spend much time with + Zerkwitz?” asked the head. “Yes, said I,” and I had a foreboding. “This + lady is Zerkwitz’s mother, she complains that you talk about very improper + things with her daughter; is it so?” “Hella and I never wanted to tell her + anything; but she begged us to again and again, and besides we thought she + really knew it anyhow and only pretended she didn’t.” “<i>What</i> did you + think she knew, and what did you talk to her about?” broke in Anneliese’s + mother. “Excuse me,” said the head, “I will examine the girls; so Bruckner + was concerned in the matter too?” “Very seldom,” said I; “Yes, the chief + offender is Lainer, <i>the girl whose mother died recently</i>.” Then I + choked down my tears, and said: “We should never have said a word about + these matters unless Anneliese had kept on at us.” After that I would not + answer any more questions. Then Hella was called in. She told me + afterwards that she knew what was up directly she saw my face. “What have + you been talking about to Zerkwitz?” Hella would not say at first, but + then she said in as few words as possible: “About getting babies, and + about being married!” “Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk + about <i>such</i> things,” said Anneliese’s mother. “Such corrupt minds.” + “We did not believe that Anneliese did not <i>really</i> know, or we + should never have told her anything,” said Hella just as I had; she was + simply splendid. “As regards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and + we have often advised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from + school; but she would not listen to us.” “I am talking about your + conversations with which you have corrupted the poor innocent child,” said + Frau von Zerkwitz. “She certainly must have known something about it + before, or she would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it + with us,” said Hella. “Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such + corruptness of mind!” Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella + cried frightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row + at home. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we had + been crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese and + said out loud: “Traitress!!” and spat at her. For that she was ordered out + of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when Frau Professor + Kreindl said: “Not you, Lainer, you go on,” I said: “Excuse me, I spat at + her <i>too</i>,” and went and stood beside Hella. All the girls looked at + us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about it already for she + did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12 Frau Doktor M. + said: “Girls, why can’t you keep the peace together? This continual + misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble for you and + for your parents and for us.” Just before 12 Hella and I were summoned to + the head’s room again. “Girls,” she said, “it’s a horrible business this. + Even if your own imaginations have been prematurely poisoned, why should + you try to corrupt others? As for you, Lainer, you ought to be especially + ashamed of yourself that such complaints should be made of you when your + mother has been buried only a few weeks.” “Excuse me,” said Hella, “all + this happened in the spring, and even earlier, in the winter, for we were + still skating at the time. Rita’s mother was pretty well then. Besides, + Zerkwitz was continually pestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, + and said: ‘Don’t trust her,’ but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. + Please, Frau Direktorin, don’t say anything about it to Rita’s father, for + he would be frightfully upset.” + </p> + <p> + Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me to + write that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it all + down word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No one ever + had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. “You are just as + clever,” she says, “but you get so easily overawed, and besides you are + still quite nervous because of your mother’s death. I only hope your + father won’t hear anything about it.” That stupid idiot dug up the old + story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over and done + with ages ago. “You should never trust anyone,” says Hella, and she’s + perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would be such a + sneak. We don’t know yet what was up with Franke. As she came in she put + her finger to her lips, meaning of course “Betray nothing!” + </p> + <p> + June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard in + the Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head came in + with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about <i>that + matter</i>, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say I did; + Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thank goodness, + the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; in Maths and + French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. saw that I had tears + in my eyes and said something to the head; then the head said: “She has + recently lost her mother.” Then the Herr Insp. praised me, and like a + stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said: “It’s all right + L., sit down,” and stroked my hair. She is so awfully sweet, and I do hope + that she and Frau Doktor M. will say a word for me at the Staff Meeting. + And I do hope that Father won’t hear anything of it, for of course he + would reproach me dreadfully because it all comes so soon after Mother’s + death. But really it all happened long before that. The way it all + happened was that Hella’s mother went away to see Emmy, her married niece, + who was <i>having her first baby</i>. And then it was that we told the + “innocent child” (that’s what we call the deceitful cat) everything. Hella + still thinks that the “innocent child” was a humbug. That is quite likely, + for after all she is nearly fourteen; and at 14 one must <i>surely</i> + know a great deal already; it’s impossible that at that age a girl can + continue to believe in the stork story, as Anneliese is said!!! to have + done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be “developed” too, because I always + have such black rings under my eyes. I overheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, + “Little brats;” but Hella says that the head <i>hemmed loudly to drown it</i>. + Afterwards Hella was in fits of laughter over the expression “little + brats” for her mother always says about <i>such</i> things; <i>Little + brats</i> like you have no concern with such matters. Good Lord, when is + one to learn all about it if one does not know when one is nearly 14! As a + matter of fact both Hella and I learned these things <i>very early</i>, + and it has not done us any harm. Hella’s mother always says that if one + learns such things too early one gets to look old; but of course that’s + nonsense. But why do mothers not want us to know? I suppose they’re just + ashamed. + </p> + <p> + June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: “What + were you really talking about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head + called me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talking of + improper matters. She said I must watch over you in <i>Mother’s place!</i>” + Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when Mother was + still alive. A mother never knows what children are talking of together. + Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from the Staff Meeting. + I should hate that because of Father; that would mean another fearful row; + although Father is really awfully sweet now; I have not had a single + rowing since Mother first got ill. It’s quite true that death makes people + gentle, but why? Really one would have thought people would get + disagreeable, because they’ve been so much distressed. Last week the + tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should like to go alone + to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weep before the + others. + </p> + <p> + June 18th. The “innocent child” does not come to gym. any longer, at least + she has not been since <i>that affair</i>. We think she’s afraid, although + we should not say anything to her. We punish her with <i>silent contempt</i>, + she’ll <i>feel</i> that <i>more than anything</i>. And thank goodness she + does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are <i>deceitful</i>, + for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright + cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don’t tell such a + frightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguard + against <i>deceitfulness</i>. That’s why I don’t like cats. We have + another name for the “innocent child,” we call her the “red cat.” I think + she knows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so + excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. + </p> + <p> + June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. But she + overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had waited for + her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora would not wait, + and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarter to 8 Hella + came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (I believe one + ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it does not matter, + I’m not Marina who knows <i>everything</i> about the navy), that is just + at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when we came + rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, it was + stupid; but I don’t think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that for + this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said so too, + so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfully good and + had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they say that + people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America, the land of + liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go to school <i>together</i> + there!! — — — But about the outing. In the boat we sat + next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; Hella was on the right and I + was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: “Girls, you’re + squashing me, or at least you’re crushing my dress!” She was wearing a + white frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly. + When we were near Hainburg Hella’s hat fell into the Danube, and all the + girls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. But + thank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a + lovely view, that is, <i>I</i> did not look at anything except Frau Doktor + M. because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he went + about with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, + perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, <i>that</i> would be horrid. Hella + thinks that is quite out of the question because of the German professor; + at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. than the + other, because he is said to be a Jew. “Still, with regard to all the + things that hang upon marriage, it’s the same with every man,” said I. + “That’s just the chief point, you little goose,” said Hella. And Frau + Doktor M. said: “Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? What is + the chief point?” I was just going to say: “We <i>can’t</i> tell you <i>that</i>,” + when Hella interrupted me and said: “Just because I’m her chum I can talk + to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it.” Then we went to + dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next “<i>her</i>.” We had veal + cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the Herr Religionsprof. + went by he said: “How many weeks have you been fasting?” Before dinner we + went to the museum to see the things they had dug up in the Roman camp. + The head mistress and Fraulein V. explained everything. It was most + instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg. It was great + fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in, the Fifth had + got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits of laughter. Then + suddenly there came along a whole troop of officers of the flying corps, + frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at the piano and began to play + dance music. Another came up to the head and begged her to allow the + “young ladies” to dance. The head did not want to at first, but all the + girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, and the Herr Rel. Prof. said: + “Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have the innocent pleasure,” and so they + really were allowed to dance. The rest of us either danced with one + another or looked on. And then, when Hella and I were standing right in + front, up came a splendid lieutenant and said: “May I venture to separate + the two friends for a little dance?” “If you please,” said I, and sailed + off with him. To dance with a lieutenant is glorious. Then the same + lieutenant danced with Hella and in the evening on the way home she said + that the lieutenant had really wanted to dance with her first, but I had + been so prompt with my “If you please” and had placed my hand on his + shoulder. Of course that’s not true, but it is not a thing one would + quarrel about with one’s best friend, and anyhow he danced with both of + us. Unfortunately we were not able to dance very long because we got so + hot. Oh, and I had almost forgotten, a captain with a black moustache + saluted Frau Doktor M., for they know one another. She blushed furiously; + so he is probably the man she will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not + the Jewish professor. He would please me a great deal better. They were + all so awfully smart! Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch + of roses, and the officers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the + ladies I mean. Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in + the Sixth who looks quite old, as if she might be 24, and “our” lieutenant + offered her a rose too. And then she said: “No thank you, I am not one of + the staff, I’m in the Sixth.” Everyone burst out laughing, and she was + quite abashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. + And the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: “Tschapperl, you might just as well + have taken it.” But really she was quite right to refuse. I think there + must have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenant + that she was a colonel’s daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see him + again. + </p> + <p> + I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterday that + when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to the + Frau Direktorin: “Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue, see + what eyes she’s making.” Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes, + besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did not shut + my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and then everyone + would have laughed. And I don’t like being laughed at. I hardly saw Dora + all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said very cuttingly: + “Of course not, for after all we <i>are</i> in mourning, even if we did + wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort of thing does + not matter.” <i>That sort of thing</i>, as if I had done something + dreadful! I don’t love Mother any the less, and I don’t forget her. Father + was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said: “So my + little witch has made a conquest; you’re beginning early. But it’s no good + taking up with an officer, little witch, they’re too expensive.” But I + would like to have the lieutenant, I would go up with him in an aeroplane, + up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In the religion lesson yesterday, + when the Herr Prof. came in he laughed like anything and said: “Hullo, + Lainer, is the world still spinning round you? The Herr Leutnant has not + been able to sleep since.” So I suppose he knows him. Still, I’m quite + sure that he has not lost his sleep on my account, though very likely he + said so. If I only knew what his name is, perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, + Romeo, that would suit him admirably! + </p> + <p> + June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marina + and that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the row that + time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don’t think Mother + liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora are not + particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, the father + does not care much for the mother’s brothers and sisters and vice versa. I + wonder why? I wonder whether <i>He</i> has a fiancee, probably he has, and + what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hair or fair + hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marina and I were + <i>very</i> standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited because she goes + to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent! The High + School is much more important, for from the High School one goes on to the + university, but not from the Training College; and they don’t learn + English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. Aunt Alma knows + that it annoys Father when anyone says we don’t look well, so she said: + “Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it’s nearly over, and + she won’t get much out of it after all, it’s really better for a girl to + become a teacher.” Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me: “Do you dare + me to spit on the carpet?” “You are ill-bred enough to do it; I can’t + think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not give you a good + smacking,” said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: “What’s the matter children? + What game are you playing?” “It’s not a game at all; Erwin wants to spit + on the carpet and he seems to think that would be all right.” Then Aunt + said something to him in Italian, and he pulled a long nose at me behind + Father’s back, but I simply ignored it; little pig, and yet he’s my + cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just as impudent as Bub. But we + have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as an ensign for the last + two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all; there’s a provincial look + about her and she can’t shake it off. Her clothes are too long and she has + not got a trace of b—, although she was 17 last September; she is + disgustingly thin. + </p> + <p> + June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to-day, in French this time. + Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and at the + beginning of the lesson she said: “Girls, the Inspector is coming to-day; + pull yourselves together; please don’t leave me in the lurch.” So it must + be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come to inspect the + teachers and not the pupils. “At the inspection,” Oswald often says, + “every pupil has the professor in his hands.” Being first, of course I was + called upon, and I simply could not think what “trotteur” meant. I would + not say “Trottel” [idiot], and so I said nothing at all. Then Anneliese + turned round and whispered it to me, but of course I was not going to say + it after her, but remained speechless as an owl. At length the Herr + Inspektor said: “Translate the sentence right to the end, and then you’ll + grasp its meaning.” But I can’t see the sense of that; for if I don’t know + one of the words the sentence has no meaning, or at least not the meaning + it ought to have. If Hella had not been absent to-day because of — + —, she might have been able to whisper it to me. Afterwards Frau + Doktor Dunker reproached me, saying that no one could ever trust anyone, + and that I really did not deserve a One. “And the stupidest thing of all + was that you laughed when you did not know a simple word like that.” Of + course I could not tell her that my first thought had been to translate it + “Trottel.” Unseen translation is really too difficult for us. + </p> + <p> + June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I’m on tenter hooks to know + whether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report. That + would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her father has + just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and by the time he + is back the holidays will have begun and no one will be bothering about + reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother, to-morrow is a + holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days I shall have “to + linger in suspense,” but a different sort of suspense from what Goethe + wrote about. + </p> + <p> + June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because of Dora’s + matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an aunt, who is + in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them. In the evening we + went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there was nothing on. By the way, + I have not written anything yet about the “innocent child” at the outing. + On the boat she began fussing round Hella and me and wanted to push into + the conversation, indirectly of course! But she did not succeed; Hella is + extraordinarily clever in such matters; she simply seemed to look through + her Really I’m a little sorry for her, for she hasn’t any close friends + beyond ourselves; but Hella said: “Haven’t you had enough of it yet? Do + you want to be cooked once more with the same sauce?” And when Hella’s hat + fell into the water and we were still looking after it in fits of + laughter, all of a sudden we found Anneliese standing behind us offering + Hella a fine lace shawl which she had brought with her for the evening + because she so readily gets earache. “Wouldn’t you like to use this shawl, + so that you won’t have to go back to Vienna without a hat?” “Please don’t + trouble yourself, I’m quite used to going about bare-headed.” But the <i>way</i> + she said it, like a queen! I <i>must</i> learn it from her. She is really + shorter than I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. + I told her as much, and she rejoined: “Darling Rita, you can’t <i>learn</i> + a thing like that; it’s <i>inborn</i>.” She rather annoyed me, for she + always seems to think that an officer’s daughter is a thing apart. + </p> + <p> + July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a public + scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke to me in the corridor, saying: “Lainer, + you’ve had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised on your + behalf, I really don’t know — — —.” Then I said: “I’m + quite certain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad + Conduct Mark.” And I kissed her hand. “Get along, you little baggage, for + the one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full of + thoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with.” + </p> + <p> + After all, one can’t help one’s <i>thoughts</i>, and we shall be more + careful in future as to the persons to whom we talk about <i>that sort of + thing</i>. Here’s another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When + we got back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at + the station; Father was there too, and so was the “innocent child’s” + mother. Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the + train there was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sort + ourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella’s voice: “No, Madam, + your child is not in our bad company.” I turned round sharply, and there + was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had just asked her: + “Hullo, <i>you</i>, what has become of my little Anneliese?” The answer + was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; I always think + of good repartees after the event. It was just the same that time when the + old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was alone there, and she + snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess, or an impudent Jewess! It + was too absurd, for first of all it’s not impudent to make a clever + repartee, and secondly it does not follow because one can do it that one + is a Jewess. So Hella finished up by saying to him: “No, you’ve made a + mistake, you are not speaking to one of your own sort.” + </p> + <p> + We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora’s matriculation we are staying + here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, and this + year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hella had a + splendid time there last year. + </p> + <p> + July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., no, I can’t write it plain + out. In the middle of the Physics lesson, during revision, when I was not + thinking of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in with a paper to be + signed. As we all stood up I thought to myself: Hullo, what’s that? And + then it suddenly occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella asked me why + I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, if I’d had some sweets with + me. I did not want to tell her the real reason directly, and so I said: + “Oh no, I had nearly fallen asleep from boredom, and when Fraulein N. came + in it gave me a start.” On the way home I was very silent, and I walked so + slowly (for of course one must not walk fast <i>when</i> . . . ) that + Hella said: “Look here, what’s up to-day, that you are so frightfully + solemn? Have you fallen in love without my knowing it, or is it <i>at long + last</i> . . . .?” Then I said “<i>Or is it at long last!</i>” And she + said: “Ah, then now we’re equals once more,” and there in the middle of + the street she gave me a kiss. Just at that moment two students went by + and one of them said: “Give me one too.” And Hella said: “Yes, I’ll give + you one on the cheek which will burn.” So they hurried away. We really had + no use for them: to-day!! Hella wanted me to tell her <i>everything about + it</i>; but really I hadn’t anything to tell, and yet she believed that I + <i>wouldn’t</i> tell. It is really very unpleasant, and this evening I + shall have to take frightful care because of Dora. But I must tell Aunt + because I want a San— T—. It will be frightfully awkward. It + was different in Hella’s case, first of all because she had such frightful + cramps before it began so that her mother knew all about it without being + told, and secondly because it was her <i>mother</i>. I certainly shan’t + tell Dora whatever happens, for that would make me feel still more + ashamed. As for a San— T—, I shall never be able to buy one + for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be awful for Father to + know about it. I wonder whether men really do know; I suppose they must + know about their wives, but at any rate they can’t know anything about + their daughters. + </p> + <p> + July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I switched off the light <i>before</i> + I undressed, and then Dora snapped at me: “What on earth are you up to, + switch it on again directly.” “No I won’t.” Then she came over and wanted + to switch it on herself; “Oh do please wait until I’ve got into bed.” + “O-o-h, is that it,” said Dora, “why didn’t you say so before? I’ve always + hidden my things from you, and you haven’t got any yet.” And then we + talked for quite a long time, and she told me that Mother had commissioned + her to tell me everything <i>when</i> — — — Mother had + told her all about it, but she said it was better for one girl to tell it + to another, because that was least awkward. Mother knew too that in + January Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It was midnight before we + switched off the light. + </p> + <p> + July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went to get our reports to-day and + said good-bye to Frau Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at the end she + said: “I hope that you won’t give too much trouble to my successor.” At + first we did not understand, for we thought she only meant that it is + always uncertain whether the same member of the staff will keep the same + class from year to year, but then she said: “I am leaving the school + because I am going to be married.” It gave me such a pang, and I said: + “Oh, is it true?” “Yes, Lainer, it’s quite true.” And all the girls + thronged round her and wanted to kiss her hand. No one spoke for a moment, + and then Hella said: “Frau Doktor, may I ask you something? But you + mustn’t be angry!” “All right, ask away!” “Is it the captain we met in + Carnuntum?” She was quite puzzled for a minute, and then she laughed like + anything and said, “No, Bruckner, it is not he, for he has a wife + already.” And Gilly, who is not so frightfully fond of her as Hella and I + are, said: “Frau Doktor, please tell us whom you are going to marry.” + “There’s no secret about it, I am going to marry a professor in + Heidelberg.” That is why she has to leave the High School. It’s simply + ruined my holidays. Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls would not leave + Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to walk home with her. Then she + said: “My darling girls, that’s impossible, for I am going to Purkersdorf + to see my parents.” And then Hella had her splendid idea. The others said: + “Please may we come with you as far as the metropolitan?” and at length + she said they might. But Hella said, “Come along,” and we hurried off to + the metropolitan before them and took tickets to Hutteldorf so that we + should be able to get back in plenty of time, and there we were waiting on + the platform when she came and when all the girls came with her as far as + the entrance. Then we rushed up to her and got into the train which came + in at that moment. Of course we had second class tickets, for Hella, being + an officer’s daughter, mayn’t travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always + travels second too. And we all three sat together on a seat for two, + though it was frightfully hot. She was so nice to us; I begged her to give + us her photograph and she promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to + Hutteldorf. “Now, girls, you must get out.” Then we both burst out crying, + and she <i>kissed us!</i> Never shall I forget that blessed moment and + that heavenly ride! As long as the train was still in sight we both waved + our handkerchiefs to her and she <i>waved back!</i> When we wanted to give + up our tickets Hella looked everywhere for her purse and could not find + it; she must have left it in the ticket office. Luckily I still had all my + July pocket money and so I was able to pay the excess fare, and then for + once in a way <i>I</i> was the sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled + third and had only passed out through the second, so we had not to pay so + much; and no one knew anything about it, there’s no harm in that sort of + cheating. Of course we really did go back third, although Hella said it + would spoil the memory for her. That sort of thing does not matter to me. + We did not get home until a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a + tremendous scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the library for + Frau Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the High School at 12, and there had + been no one there. We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone + part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was leaving because of her + marriage. Then Dora was quite astonished and said: “Ah, now I understand.” + The other day when she had to go into the room while the staff meeting was + on, the staff was talking about an engagement, and Fraulein Thim was + saying: “Not everyone has the luck to get a university professor.” That + must have been about <i>her</i>. Certainly Thim won’t get one, not even a + school porter. To-day, (I’ve been writing this up for two days), I had + such a delightful surprise; <i>she</i> sent me her photo, simply + heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking than the reality. + Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly beautiful, with her lovely eyes and + her spiritual expression! Of course she has sent Hella a photo too. We are + going to have pocket leather cases made for the photographs, so that we + can take them with us wherever we go. But we shall have to wait until + after the holidays because Hella has lost her money, and nearly all mine + was used up in paying the excess fares. And such a leather case will cost + 3 crowns. Father has some untearable transparent envelopes, and I shall + ask him for two of them. They will do as a makeshift. + </p> + <p> + Dora’s matriculation is to-morrow, she’s quite nervous about it although + she is very well up in all the subjects. But she says it’s so easy to make + mistakes. But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he was very + much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear Mother was frightfully anxious: + “Pooh,” said Oswald, “I shall soon show them that there’s no need to + bother; all one wants at the metric is <i>cheek</i>, that’s the whole + secret!” And then all he telegraphed was “durch” [through] and poor Mother + was still very anxious, and thought that it might mean <i>durchgefallen</i> + [failed]. But of course it really meant <i>durchgekommen</i> [passed], for + meanwhile the second telegram had come. And father had brought two bottles + of champagne to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald’s return. There won’t be + anything of the sort after Dora’s matriculation because Mother is not with + us any more; oh it does make me so miserable when I think that 2 1/2 + months ago she was still alive, and now — — —. + </p> + <p> + July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having her exam (she passed with + Distinction), I went to the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was + going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I told Hella I was going + with Aunt, and so I took the tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to the + cemetery. People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. There was no + one in the place but me. I did not dare to stay long, for I was afraid I + should be home late. It’s a frightfully long way to Potzleinsdorf, and it + always seems so much further when one is alone. And when I came away from + the cemetery I took a wrong turning and found myself in a quite deserted + street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of thing is very awkward, and for + a long time there was simply no one of whom I could ask the way. Then by + good luck an old lady came along, and she told me I had only to take the + next turning to get back to the tram line. And just as I did get there a + Potzleinsdorf car came along, so I got in and reached home long before + Dora. But in the afternoon Hella nearly gave me away, quite + unintentionally. But since they were all talking about the matriculation I + was able to smooth it over. Now that Dora has finished her matriculation + she will have to tell me a great deal more about <i>certain things</i>; + she promised she would. Before the matriculation she was always so tired + because of the frightful grind, but that is over now, and I never do any + work in the holidays. What are holidays for? Frau Doktor Dunker has really + given me only a Satisfactory, it’s awfully mean of her; and I shall have + to learn from <i>her</i> for three years more! Nothing will induce me to + bother myself about French now, for she has a down on me, and when one’s + teacher has a down on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it’s no + good. It was so different with Frau Doktor M.!! I have just been looking + at her photo so long that my eyes are positively burning; but I had to + write up about to-day: even when one had been stupid once or twice, she + never cast it up against one, never, never, never — — the + sweet angel! + </p> + <p> + July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am so glad. It is frightfully + dull to-day, for Hella went away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she is + to stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going to Salzburg and + perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see + one another again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I can’t go + to K— M— this year, for we are going to stay in F. till the + middle of September. I got my name day presents to-day because they are + things for the journey: a black travelling satchel with a black leather + belt, and half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow black border, + and an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge bag of sweets for the journey from + Hella. The world is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall + marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: “The most ardent <i>girl</i> + friendships are always broken up when one of the two marries.” I suppose + because the other one is annoyed because she has not married. I wonder + what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.‘s wedding! and I wonder whether she + knows about <i>everything</i>; very likely not, but if not I suppose her + mother will tell her all about it before she is married. Dora told me + yesterday that Mother had once said to her: “A girl always gets all sorts + of false ideas into her head; the reality is quite different.” But that is + not so in our case, for we really know everything quite precisely, even to + the fact that you have to take off every stitch; oh dear, I shall never + forget it!—Oswald is coming to F. on the 20th, for first he is going + to Munich for a few days. + </p> + <p> + July 12th. It’s lovely here; mountains and mountains all round, and we’re + going to climb them all; oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply can’t keep + a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must write to Hella at least + every other day. We are staying in the Edelweiss boarding house; there are + about 40 visitors, at least that’s what we counted at dinner. There is a + visitors’ list hanging up in the hall, and I must study it thoroughly. The + journey was rather dull, for Dora had a frightful headache so we could not + talk all through the night. I stood in the corridor half the night. At one + place in Salzburg there was a frightful fire; no one was putting it out, + so I suppose no one knew anything about it. The boarding house is + beautifully furnished, carpets everywhere; there are several groups of + statuary in the hall. We are awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 + courses at dinner and two at supper. Flowers on every table. Father says + we must wait and see whether they change them often enough. Father has a + new tweed suit which becomes him splendidly for he is so tall and + aristocratic looking. We have coats and skirts made of thin black cotton + material and black lace blouses, and we also have white coats and skirts + and white blouses, and light grey tweed dresses as well. For Father is + really quite right: “Mourning is in your <i>heart</i>, not in your <i>dress</i>.” + Still, for the present, we shall wear black, but we have the white things + in case it gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a cliff quite near the house, + we picked a great nosegay of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother’s photo + with her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily I forgot to + bring mine. I should like to go to the top of the Wildeck or one of the + other mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss for oneself. But + Father says that mountaineering is not suited to our ages. The baths here + always seem very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein said + we should only bathe when the water is quite warm. But apparently that + won’t be often. We have not made any acquaintances yet, but I like the + look of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second table from + ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. One plan has come to nothing. I + wanted to talk to Dora in the evenings about all sorts of <i>important</i> + things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares our room. Here’s + another tiresome thing; Father’s room has a lovely veranda looking on to + the promenade, while our room only looks into the garden. Of course the + view is lovely, but I should have liked Father’s room much better, only it + is a great deal too small for three persons; there is only one bed and its + furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate that sort of furniture; + the lady who keeps the boarding house calls it <i>Empire!!</i> I don’t + suppose she can ever have seen a room furnished in real Empire style. + </p> + <p> + July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk yesterday she told me a + great deal about Aunt Dora. I never really knew before whether Uncle + Richard was employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient there; but + he is a patient. He has spinal disease and is quite off his head and often + has attacks of raving madness. Once before he was sent to the asylum he + tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and <i>in another respect</i> he did her a <i>frightful + lot of harm!!!</i> I don’t quite understand how, for Aunt Dora has never + had any children. And why on earth do they make such a secret about Uncle + Richard? But when I come to think of it, no one ever wanted to talk about + Mother’s illness. There’s no sense in this secrecy, for in the first place + that always makes one think about things, and secondly one always finds + out in the long run. At last Aunt Dora was so terribly afraid of Uncle + that she always kept the door of her bedroom locked. It must be awful to + have a husband who is a raging maniac. Father once said to Dora: your Aunt + Dora is enough to drive one mad with her whims and fancies. Of course he + didn’t mean that literally, but I must watch carefully to find out what + Aunt really does to annoy anyone so much. Most likely it is something + connected with <i>this matter</i>. To my mind Aunt Alma has many more + whims and fancies, and yet Uncle Franz has never gone raving mad. Dora + says that Uncle Richard may go on living for another 20 years, and that + she is frightfully sorry for Aunt Dora because she is tied to such a + monster. Why tied? After all, he is in an asylum and can’t do her any + harm. Dora didn’t know about all this before, Aunt only told her after + Mother’s death. Dora thinks it is better not to marry at all, unless one + is <i>madly in love</i> with a man. And then only by a <i>marriage + contract!!</i> In that case <i>that</i> would be excluded. But I always + imagined a marriage contract was made because of a dowry and money affairs + generally; and never thought of its having <i>such</i> a purpose. Frau + Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two years ago, had married under + such conditions. But it puzzles me, for if <i>that</i> is what men chiefly + want when they marry, I don’t see how any man can be satisfied with a + marriage contract. There must be a mistake somewhere. Perhaps it is + different among the Jews, for the Mayers were Jews. + </p> + <p> + July 21st. No, I never should have thought that Hella would prove to have + been right in that matter. I got a letter 8 pages long from Anneliese + to-day. That time when Hella had to stay at home for five days she + believed that Anneliese would make fresh advances. But obviously she was + afraid. So now she has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the only + friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and everybody likes me, + and only you have turned away from me in anger. What harm did I do you + — — —? After all, she did do me some harm; for there + might have been a fine row if it had not been for Frau Doktor M., that + angel in human form! She writes she is so lonely and so unhappy; she is + with her mother at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I forget + which, I must look it up <i>if</i> I answer her. For I gave my word of + honour to Hella that I would never forgive the “innocent child.” But after + all, to write an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from + meaning a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. She says that there + are absolutely no girls in Gratsch, only grown-up ladies and old + gentlemen, the youngest is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably + dull myself. So I really will write to her, but I shall be exceedingly + reserved. She finishes up with: Listen to the prayer of an unhappy girl + and do not harden your heart against one who has always loved you truly. + That is really very fine, and Anneliese always wrote the best + compositions; Frau Doktor M. used often to praise them and to speak of her + excellent style, but later she really did not like her at all. She often + told her she ought not to be so affected, or she would lose the power of + expression from sheer affectation. I shall not write to her immediately, + but only after a few days, and, as I said, with <i>great</i> reserve. + </p> + <p> + July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their names are Olga and + Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; I don’t know their surname yet, but + only that they have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their + mother’s hair is quite grey already, their father is not coming until + August 8th. We have arranged to go for a walk at 4 o’clock this afternoon, + to Brennfelden. + </p> + <p> + July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every day before dinner, for + after dinner we all go with our hammocks into the wood. After all I wrote + to Anneliese three days ago, without waiting, so as not to keep her on + tenterhooks. I have not written anything to Hella about it because I don’t + know how Anneliese will answer. Hella says she is having a royal time in + Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just what she means by + royal; she wrote only a bare 3 sides including the signature so of course + I did not write to her as much as usual. + </p> + <p> + July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the Weiners; she thinks they + are frightfully stuck up. She says it’s not the proper thing to wear gold + bracelets and chains in the country, above all with peasant costume. Of + course she is right, but still I like the two girls very much, and + especially Olga, the younger one; Nelly puts on such airs; they go to a + high school too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has only just got + into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. Dora says they will never set + the Danube on fire. No matter, leave it to others to do that. We enjoyed + ourselves immensely on our walk. I’m going to spend the whole day with + them to-day. Father says: “Don’t see too much of them; you’ll only get + tired of them too soon.” I don’t believe that will happen with the + Weiners. + </p> + <p> + July 29th. It’s my birthday to-morrow. I wonder what my presents will be. + I’ve already had one of them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of openwork + stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely fine, and my feet look + so elegant in them. But I must take frightful care of them and not wear + them too often. Aunt says: “Perhaps now you will learn to give up pulling + at your stockings when you are doing your lessons.” As if I would do any + lessons in the holidays. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <a name="linklast" id="linklast"></a> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF + </h2> + <p> + LAST HALF-YEAR + </p> + <p> + July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! birthday; Olga thought that I + was 16 or at least 15; but I said: No thank you; to <i>look</i> like 16 is + <i>quite</i> agreeable to me, but I should not like to <i>be</i> 16, for + after all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at most. But as to + feeling different, as Hella said she did, I really can’t notice anything + of the kind; I am merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now + call me a <i>child</i>. I do detest the word “child,” except when Mother + used to say: “My darling child,” but then it meant something quite + different. I like Mother’s ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall + wear it for always and always. When I was going to cry, Father said so + sweetly: “Don’t cry, Gretel, you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, + that would be a fine beginning of <i>grown-upness!</i>” Besides the ring, + Father gave me a lovely black pearl necklace which suits me perfectly, and + is at the same time so cool; then Theodor Storm’s <i>Immensee</i>, from + Aunt Dora the black openwork stockings and long black silk gloves, and + from Dora a dark grey leather wristband for my watch. But I shan’t wear + that until we are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. + Grandfather and Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but nothing has come from + Oswald. He can’t possibly have forgotten. I suppose his present will come + later. Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At dinner Aunt Dora + had ordered my favourite chocolate cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, + why have we got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came out that it + was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, who knew it already, told most of + the other guests and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy returns. + Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, and had given me a huge nosegay + of wild flowers and another of cut flowers. This afternoon we are all + going to Flagg; it is lovely there. + </p> + <p> + Evening: I must write some more. We could not have the expedition, because + there was a frightful thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o’clock. But we enjoyed + ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: As I was leaving the + dining-room in order to go to the . . . ., I heard a voice say: May I wish + you a happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and there behind me stood + the enormously tall fair-haired student, whom I have been noticing for the + last three days. “Thank you very much, it’s awfully kind of you,” said I, + and wanted to pass on, for I really had to go. But he began speaking + again, and said: “I suppose that’s only a joke about your being 14. Surely + you are 16 to-day?” “I am both glad and sorry to say that I am not, said + I, but after all everyone is as old as he seems. Please excuse me, I + really must go to my room,” said I hurriedly, and bolted, for otherwise + — — — —!! I hope he did not suspect the truth. I + must write about it to Hella, it will make her laugh. She sent me a lovely + little jewel box with a view of Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite + sweets, filled with brandy. In her letter she complains of the “shortness + of my last letter.” I must write her a long letter to-morrow. At supper I + noticed for the first time where “Balder” sits; that’s what I call him + because of his lovely golden hair, and because I don’t know his real name. + He is with an old gentleman and an old lady and a younger lady whose hair + is like his, but she can’t possibly be his sister for she is much too old. + </p> + <p> + July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, and the father is a + retired member of the Board of Mines. The young lady is really his sister, + and she is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found all this out + from the housemaid. But I went about it in a very cunning way, I did not + want to ask straight out, and so I said: Can you tell me who that + white-haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my Grandfather. (I + have never see my Grandfather, for Father’s Father has been dead 12 or 15 + years, and Mother’s Father does not live in Vienna but in Berlin.) Then + Luise answered: “Ah, Fraulein, I expect you mean Herr Oberbergrat Sch., + von Sch. But I expect Fraulein’s Grandfather is not quite so grumpy.” I + said: “Is he so frightfully grumpy then?” And she answered: “I should + think so; we must all jump at the word go or it’s all up with us!” And + then one word led to another, and she told me all she knew; the daughter + is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her father won’t let her marry, and + the <i>young gentleman</i> has left home because his father pestered him + so. He is a student in Prague, and only comes home for the holidays. It + all sounds very melancholy, and yet they look perfectly happy except the + daughter. By the way, it’s horrid for the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly + actually 15, and their mother is once more — — — — + I mean their mother is in an i— c—. They are both in a + frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: “It’s a perfect scandal;” + they find it so awkward going about with their mother. I can’t say I’d + noticed anything myself; but they say it has really been obvious for a + long time; “<i>the happy event!!</i> will take place in October,” said + Olga. It really must be very disagreeable, and I took a dislike to Frau W. + from the first. I simply can’t understand how such a thing can happen when + people are so old. I’m awfully sorry for the two Weiner girls. Something + of the same sort must have happened in the case of the Schs., for Luise + has told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister not 32 but 35, + she had made a mistake; so she is 14 years older, appalling. I’m awfully + sorry for her because her father won’t let her marry, or rather would not + let her marry. I’m sure Father would never refuse if either of us wanted + to marry. I have written all this to Hella; I miss her dreadfully, for + after all the Weiner girls are only strangers, and I could <i>never</i> + tell my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms now. Oswald is + coming to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. He comes and goes when he + likes and where he likes. A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, saying he + was not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, Watzmann, glorious + tramp. Letter follows. Father did not say much, but I fancy he’s very much + annoyed. Especially just now, after poor Mother’s death, Oswald might just + as well come home. Last year he was so long away after matriculation, + quite alone, and now it’s the same this year. One pleasure after another + like that is really not the thing when one’s Mother has been dead only + three months. The day after we came here and before we had got to know + anyone, I went out quite early, at half past 8, and went alone to the + cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain and some of the tombstones + are frightfully old, in many cases one can’t decipher the inscriptions; + there was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat on a little bank thinking + about poor Mother and all the unhappiness, and I cried so terribly that I + had to bathe my eyes lest anyone should notice it. I was horribly annoyed + to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, she wants to come here, we are to + look for rooms for her, to see if we can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma + always means by that very cheap, but above all it must be in a private + house; of course, for a boarding house would be far too dear for them. I + do hope we shan’t find <i>anything</i> suitable, we really did not find + anything to-day, for a storm was threatening and we did not go far. I do + so hope we shall have no better success to-morrow; for I really could not + stand having Marina here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt Dora and + Dora are both very much against their coming. But Father said: That won’t + do girls, she’s your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All right, + we can <i>look for them</i>; but seeking and finding are two very + different things. + </p> + <p> + August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look for the rooms, and + since Dora always makes a point of finding what’s wanted, she managed to + hunt up 2 rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. The summer + visitors who were staying there had to go back suddenly to Vienna because + their grandmother died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. Dora wrote + to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all be delighted to see them, + which is a downright lie. However, I wrote a P.S. in which I sent love to + them all, and said that the journey was scandalously expensive; perhaps + that may choke them off a bit. Owing to this silly running about looking + for rooms I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday afternoon or this + morning, and of course nothing of God Balder either. And at dinner we + can’t see the Scharrers’ table because they have a table in the bay + window, for they have come here every year for the last 9 years. I’m + absolutely tired out, but there’s something I must write. This afternoon + the Weiners and we went up to Kreindl’s, and Siegfried Sch. came with us, + for he knows the Weiners, who have been here every year for the last 3 + years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and that annoyed me frightfully. So I + said not a word, but walked well behind the others. On the way home he + came up to me and said: “I say, Fraulein Grete, are you always so + reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict the idea.” I said: “It all depends + on my mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any one.” “Could you + not change places at table with your mother?” “In the first place, she is + not my Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, and in the second + place, why do you say that to <i>me</i>, you had better say it to my + sister!” “Don’t be jealous! There’s no reason for <i>that</i>. I can’t + help talking to your sister when we’re in company; but I can assure you + that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous.” I wish I knew how I + could manage that change of places, but I always sit next Father; anyhow I + would not do it directly; next week at soonest. Farewell, my Hero + Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of — —. + </p> + <p> + August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: “You heart of gold, so you are able to + forgive my sins of youth? The world shines with a new light since I + received your letter.” I don’t know that my letter was so forgiving as all + that, for all I said was that I was very sorry she was so lonely in + Gratsch, and that we could not alter the past, so we had better bury it. + She sends me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told one another + when our birthdays were), and she sends me a great pressed forget-me-not. + She waited to answer until it had been pressed. I don’t know quite what I + had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt give me very good advice, but + I can’t very well tell him the whole story, for then I should have to tell + him why we quarrelled, and that would be awful. I had better write to + Hella before I answer. I must write to-day, for it will be quite three + days before I can get an answer, and then 1 or two days more before + Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5 days at least. It is raining + in torrents, so it is very dull, for Father won’t let us sit in the hall + alone; I can’t think why. Generally speaking Father’s awfully kind, quite + different from other fathers, but this is really disgusting of him. I + shall lie down on the sofa after dinner and read <i>Immensee</i>, for I’ve + not had a chance before. + </p> + <p> + August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; Marina in a dust-grey + coat and skirt that fits her abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand; + Ferdinand is going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the Neustadt + military academy; he’s the most presentable of the lot. Uncle was in a + frightful temper, growling about the journey and about the handbaggage, I + think they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I had to carry a heavy + travelling rug and Dora a handbag of which she said that it contained the + accumulated rubbish of 10 years. Aunt Alma’s appearance was enough to give + one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so high that one saw her brown stockings + as she walked, and a hat like a scarecrow’s. When I think how awfully well + dressed <i>Mother</i> always was, and how nice she always looked; of + course Mother was at least 20 years younger than Aunt Alma, but even if + Mother had lived to be 80 she would never have looked like <i>that</i>. + Thank goodness, on the way from the station we did not meet any one, and + above all we did not meet <i>him</i>. For once in a way they all came to + dinner at our boarding house. We had two tables put together, and I seized + the opportunity to change my place, for I offered Aunt Alma the place next + Father and seated myself beside the lovely Marina, exactly opposite + — — —! Anyway, Marina looked quite nice at dinner, for + her white blouse suits her very well, and she has a lovely complexion, so + white, with just a touch of pink in the cheeks. But that is her only + beauty. The way she does her hair is hideous, parted and brushed quite + smooth, with two pigtails. I’ve given them up long ago, though everyone + said they suited me very well. But “snails” suit me a great deal better. + <i>He</i> looked across at me the whole time, and Aunt Alma said: “Grete + is blossoming out, I hope there’s not a man in the case already.” “Oh no,” + said Father, “country air does her such a lot of good, and when I take the + children away for a change I don’t forbid any innocent pleasures.” My + darling Father, I had to keep a tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him + then and there. They were all so prim, with their eyes glued to their + plates as if they had never eaten rum pudding before. It is true that + Ferdinand winked at Marina, but of course she noticed nothing. They soon + put away their first helps, and they all took a second, and then they went + on talking. When we went to our rooms I knocked at Father’s door and gave + him the promised kiss and said: “You really are a jewel of a Father.” + “Well, will you, if you please, be a jewel of a daughter, and keep the + peace with Marina and the others?” I said: “Oh dear, I simply can’t stand + her, she’s such a humbug!” “Oh well,” said Father, “it may be a pity, but + you know one can’t choose one’s parents and one’s relations.” “I would not + have chosen any different parents, for we could not have found another + Father and another Mother like you.” Then Father lifted me right up into + the air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: “You are a little + treasure,” and we kissed one another heartily. I really do like Father + better than anyone in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite + different, she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I like Aunt Dora + too, and Oswald <i>if</i> I ever see him again. + </p> + <p> + August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got a postcard from Hella, with + nothing on it but “Follow your own bent, with best wishes, your M.” When + we write postcards we always use a cipher which no one else can + understand, so that M. means H. It’s a good thing no one can understand + it. Of course I wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, + and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with nothing more than: + Have done so, with best wishes, W. Not even <i>your</i> W. I do wonder + what she will do. Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, + and what he said was lovely. But I can’t agree that all fathers <i>without + exception</i> are tyrants. I said: “<i>My</i> Father isn’t!” He rejoined: + “Not <i>yet</i>, but you will find out in time. However, anyone with a + character of his own won’t allow himself to be suppressed. I simply broke + with my Old Man and left home; there are other technical schools besides + the one in Brunn. And since you say not <i>all</i> fathers; well just look + at Hulda; whenever anyone fell in love with her the Old Man marred her + chance, for no one can stand such tutelage.” “Tutelage, what do you mean,” + said I, but just at that moment everyone got up to go away. To-morrow + perhaps, poor persecuted man. + </p> + <p> + August 9th. Oh dear, it’s horrible if it’s all really true what Hella + writes about being infected; an eruption all over the body, that is the + most horrible thing in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, and + since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, I must <i>absolutely + destroy</i> it, so that no one can get hold of a fragment of it. Above all + now that Marina is here, for you never can tell — — —. + But I know what I’ll do; I’ll copy the letter here, even if it takes 2 or + 3 days. She writes: + </p> + <p> + Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday’s postcard. If you + were angry, you must make it up with me. Consort with whom you please and + write to whom you please; but all the <i>consequences</i> be on your own + head. Father always says: Beware of red hair! And I insist that the + “innocent child” has <i>foxy red</i> hair. But you can think what you + like. + </p> + <p> + Now I’ve got something much more important to tell you. But you must + promise me dirst that you will tear up my letter directly you have read + it. Otherwise please send it back to me <i>un</i>read. + </p> + <p> + Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married woman living with her + mother and her cousin, a girl who is studying medicine; they are Poles and + I have always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. The young wife + has got a divorce from her husband, for she was <i>infected</i> by him on + the <i>wedding night</i>. Of course you remember what being <i>infected</i> + is. But really it is something quite different from what we imagined. + Because of <i>that</i> she got a frightful eruption all over her body and + her face, and most likely all her hair will fall out; is it not frightful? + Her cousin, the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is there to + <i>nurse</i> her. Our servant Rosa told me about it, she heard of it from + the housemaid where they have rooms. As you know, one can’t talk to Lizzi + about anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more; but the + other day, when I went to buy some picture postcards, I met the three + ladies. The young wife was wearing a very thick veil, so that one could + see nothing. They were sitting on a bench in the garden in front of their + house, and I bowed in passing, on the way back. They bowed, and smiled in + a friendly way. In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was feeling very + bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard some people talking on the + veranda just outside my window—the veranda runs all round the house. + At first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down outside. I + recognised the soft voice of the Polish student directly, and I heard her + say to the wife of the mayor of J.: “Yes, my unfortunate cousin’s + experience has been a terrible one; that is because people sell girls like + merchandise, without asking them, and without their having the least idea + what they are in for.” I got up at once and sat down close to the window + behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. The mayor’s wife said: + “Yes, it’s horrible what one has to go through when one is married. <i>My</i> + husband is not one of that sort but — — —” And then I + could not understand what she went on to say I overheard this conversation + on Thursday. But that’s not all I have to tell you. Of course my first + thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; for she spoke about <i>enlightenment</i> + and although we are both of us already <i>very much enlightened</i>, + still, as a medical student, she must know a great deal more than we do, + so that we can learn from her. And since she said that girls ought not to + be allowed to <i>run blindly into marriage</i>, I thought she would + probably tell me a little if I went cautiously to work. There was a word + which she and the mayor’s wife used more than once, <i>segsual</i> and I + don’t know what it means, and I’m sure you don’t know either, darling + Rita. She said something about <i>segsual intimacies</i>; of course when + people talk about <i>intimacies</i>, one knows it has a meaning, but what + on earth does segsual mean? It must mean something, since it is used with + <i>intimacy</i>. Well, let me get on. On Saturday there was a party, and + the medical student came, and I left my Alpine Songs lying on the piano, + and somebody picked it up and turned over the pages, and the word went + round that the person to whom it belonged must sing something. At first I + did not let on, but went out for a moment, and then came back saying: “I’m + looking for my music book, I left it lying about somewhere.” There was a + general shout, and everyone said: “We’ve agreed that the person to whom + that book belongs has got to sing.” Now I knew that Fraulein Karwinska had + accompanied the singing on such evenings before. So I said: “I shall be + delighted to sing, provided Fraulein K. will accompany me, For you + gentlemen play too loud for my voice.” Great laughter, but I had got what + I wanted. We were introduced, and I thought to myself: You will soon + improve the acquaintance. On Sunday for once in a way I got up quite + early, at half past 6, for Fraulein K. can only go out walking early in + the morning since she spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near + the Luisenquelle, so I went there with a book, and as soon as she came I + jumped up, said “good-morning,” and went on: “I’m afraid I’ve taken + possession of <i>your</i> bench.” “Not at all,” she said, “Do you study on + Sundays?” “Oh no, this is only light reading,” I answered, and I made + haste to sit on the book, for in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. + But luck was with me. She sat down beside me and said: “What is it you are + reading that you hide so anxiously? I suppose it’s something that your + mother must not know about.” “Oh no,” said I, “we have not brought any + such books to the country with us.” “I take it that means that you do + manage to get them when you are in town?” “Goodness me, one must try and + learn a little about <i>life</i>; and since no one will ever tell one + anything, one looks about for oneself to see if one can find anything in a + book.” “In the encyclopedia, I suppose?” “No, that’s no good, for one + can’t always find the truth there.” She burst out laughing and said: “What + sort of truth do you want?” “I think you can imagine very well what sort + of things I want to know.” Of course one can speak more plainly to a + medical student than one can to other girls, and she was not in the least + disgusted or angry but said: “Yes, it’s the same struggle everywhere.” + Then I made use of your favourite phrase and said: “Struggle, what do you + mean? What I really want to know about is being infected.” Then she + flushed up and said: “Who’s been talking to you about that? It seems to me + that the whole town is chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see + that <i>I</i> can’t tell you that.” But I answered: “If you don’t, who + will? <i>You</i> study medicine, and are seeing and talking about such + things all day.” “No, no, my dear <i>child</i> (you can imagine how + furious that made me), you are still much too young for <i>that sort of + thing</i>.” What do you think of that, we are too young at 14 1/2, it’s + utterly absurd. I expect that really her studies have not gone very far, + and she would not admit it. Anyhow, I stood up, and said: “I must not + disturb you any longer,” and bowed and went away; but I thought to myself: + “A fig for her and her <i>studies</i>; fine sort of a doctor <i>she</i>’ll + make!” What do you think about it all? We shall still have to trust to the + encyclopedia, and after all a lot of what we can learn there is all right, + and luckily we know most things except the word segsual. Next winter I + expect we shall find it easier than we used to to get to the bookcase in + your house. I don’t bow to the silly idiot any more. + </p> + <p> + But darling Rita, with regard to the “innocent child,” I don’t want to + influence you in any way, and I shan’t be angry with you for preferring an + <i>unworthy</i> person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send you half + a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, H. P.S. I have been 4 days + writing this letter; tear it up, <i>whatever</i> you do!!! + </p> + <p> + Now that I have copied the letter, I really can’t see why Hella wants me + to tear it up. There’s nothing so very dreadful in it. But there is one + thing I shan’t be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up things + in the encyclopedia. I think I should always feel that Mother would + suddenly come in and stand behind us. No, I simply can’t do it. + </p> + <p> + August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have been prevented writing + about <i>my own</i> affairs, although they are far more important. Last + Wednesday the Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had + arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. Dora did not want to + go at first, but Father said that if it would give <i>us</i> pleasure, he + would very much like to go with us, and Mother would be only too delighted + to see that we were enjoying something once more. And two days before the + excursion Dora finally decided that she would like to go; I knew why at + once; she thought that by that time all the places would have been taken, + and that we should have been told: Very sorry, no more room. But luckily + she had made a <i>great</i> mistake. For the secretary said: With + pleasure; how many places shall I reserve? and so we said: 7; namely, + Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), Marina (very + unfortunately), and the two boys (no less unfortunately). “That will need + an extra conveyance,” replied the secretary, and we thought we should make + a family party. But it was not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman whom I had + seen once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous amount of + attention. Besides that there were 2 strange gentlemen, Frau Bang and her + 2 daughters and her son, who is not quite all there; opposite was Hero + Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the stage, the two + Weiner girls and their Mother (notwithstanding!!!), then I, and afterwards + Marina, Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. I don’t know who + made up the other break-loads. At 6 in the morning we all met outside the + school, for the schoolmaster acted as our guide. I did not know before + that he has two daughters and a son who has matriculated this year. First + of all they held a great review, and the gentlemen fortified themselves + with a nip and so did some of the ladies; I did not, for I hate the way in + which a liqueur burns one’s throat so that every one, at any rate girls + and ladies, make such faces when they are drinking, that is why I never + drink liqueur. I did not care much about the drive out, for it was very + cold and windy, most of us had red noses and blue lips; I kept on biting + my lips to keep them red, for one looks simply hideous when one’s lips are + white or blue, I noticed that in Dora when we were skating last winter. + Father went only on our account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so that Aunt + Alma could go. Marina wears “snails” now, the sight of her is enough to + give one fits. Dora gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can + say for myself. Only when we got out aid I notice that Siegfried’s sister, + Fraulein Hulda, had been sitting next the aspiring actress. She is awfully + nice, and many, many years ago she must have been very pretty; she has + such soft brown eyes, and her hair is the same colour as her brother’s; + but he has glorious blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, as + he was when he was talking about his father. I should tremble before him + in his wrath. He is so tall that I only come up to his shoulder. Father + calls him the red tapeworm; but that’s really not fair. He is very broad + but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we stopped for breakfast, eating the food we + had brought with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster hurried us + all away, for we had quite 10 miles to walk. The two boys made a party + with other boys, and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, and Marina, led + the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman’s wife from Hildesheim, or + whatever it was called, and with the schoolmaster’s wife. It was <i>awfully</i> + dull at first, so that I began to be sorry that I had begged Father to let + us go. But after we had gone a few miles the schoolmaster’s son and three + bright young fellows came along and walked with us. Then we had such fun + that we could hardly walk for laughing, and the elders had continually to + drive us on. Marina was quite unrestrained, I could never have believed + that she could be so jolly. One of the schoolmaster’s daughters fell down, + and some one pulled her out of the brook into which she had slid because + she was laughing so much. I really don’t know what time we got to + Inner-Lahn, for we were enjoying ourselves so much. Dinner had been + ordered ready for us, and we were all frantically hungry. We laughed + without stopping, for we had all sat down just as we had come in, although + Aunt Alma did not want us to at first. But she was outvoted. I was <i>especially + pleased</i> to show Hero Siegfried that I could amuse myself very well + without him, for he had frozen on to the aspiring actress, or she had + frozen on to him—I don’t know which, or at least I did not know <i>then!</i> + Since we were sitting all mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, and + Father said next day we had spent a perfect fortune; but that was not in + the hotel, it happened later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think + Dora gave Marina 3 crowns, so that she could buy some things too. But Dora + never lets on about anything of that sort. I must say I like her character + better and better; in those ways she is very like Mother. Well, our + purchases were all packed into two or three rucksacks, and were kept for a + raffle in Unter-Toifen on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 + crowns, for Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we started, and I + still had a lot of my August pocket money left, and now I’ve got only 40 + hellers. After we had had dinner and bought the things we lay about in the + forest or walked about in couples. I had curled myself up for a nap when + some one came up behind me, and when I sat up this <i>someone</i> put his + hands over my eyes and said: “The Mountain Spirit.” And I recognised <i>his</i> + hands <i>instantly</i>, and said: “Hero Siegfried!” Then he laughed like + anything and sat down beside me and said: “You were enjoying yourself so + much this morning that you had not even a glance to spare for me.” + “Contrariwise (I’ve got that from Dora), I never foist myself on anyone, + and never <i>hang around anyone’s neck</i>.” Then he wanted to put his arm + round my waist (and probably, most probably, he would have kissed me), but + I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, for before the + gentlemen we pretend that we never call one another anything but Thea and + Rita. Father says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable for + Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but we keep to our + arrangement. Then he raised my hand to his lips and said: “Don’t call!” + But Dora came up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, who is a + doctor of law belonging to the District Court of Innsbruck, and Marina and + one of the young men, and I asked, “I say, when <i>are</i> we going to + have tea?” “Just fancy, she is hungry again already,” they all said, and + laughed like anything. And Dora looked <i>frightfully</i> happy. She was + wearing an edelweiss buttonhole which she had not been wearing before; in + the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. If possible he is + even taller than Hero Siegfried, for Dora is taller than I am and her head + only comes up to his ear. At 3 o’clock the last party came up to the + belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was lovely. But I must say I + can enjoy a fine view much better when I am alone, that is with Father or + quite a few persons; it is no good when there’s such a crowd; each + additional person seems to take something more away. In a lovely place and + at the cemetery one must be alone. For a beautiful view usually makes one + feel frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been laughing so much just + before, or laugh directly afterwards. If I were alone in Inner-Lahn I’m + sure I should become melancholy, for it is so gloriously beautiful there. + </p> + <p> + At 4 o’clock, after tea, we started back, for the schoolmaster thought the + descent would not take more than two hours and a half, but we needed more + than three. For we were all very tired, and a great many of them had sore + feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had said before, that it would be too much + for Aunt; but she had to come with us to take care of Marina, though + Marina enjoyed herself <i>extremely</i> with a Herr Furtner, who is + studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben but in Germany. One does not + really find out what a girl is like until one sees how she behaves with a + man, or what she is like when one talks to her about <i>certain things</i>; + as for the last, of course that’s impossible with Marina <i>since the + experience</i> we had. But anyhow she is nicer than one would have thought + at first sight. It was lovely on the way home. Driving back from + Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. + </p> + <p> + In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were three students from + Munich, they were awfully nice, and we sang all the songs we knew; + especially “Hoch vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust,” and “Forelle” and + “Wo mein Schatz ist,” were lovely, and the people in two different breaks + sang together. And then some of them sang some Alpine songs and yodelled + till the hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third break were + rather tipsy and <i>Hero Siegfried!!</i> was one of them. Aunt Alma had a + frightful headache; it was utterly idiotic for her to come, and we did not + know yet what was still to happen. At every house from which a girl had + come there was a serenade. And next evening there was to be a great raffle + of the mementoes we had bought, but Father would not let us go to that. + </p> + <p> + August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don’t know what on earth to do, so + I am writing my diary. Besides, I have not written about the row yet. The + next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going out and said to + Father: Ernst, please let me have a word with you. Now we all know Aunt + Alma’s <i>let me have a word with you</i>. In plain language it means: I’m + going to make a scene. She began: “Ernst, you know I never like these big + parties with a lot of strangers, for no good can come of them. Still, I + made up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and chiefly for the + sake of <i>your motherless</i> children. (Nobody asked her to; and Aunt + Dora had to stay at home on her account.) Do you know what sort of people + were in our company? That impudent young student whom Gretel is always + running after (did you ever hear anything like it! I should like to know + when I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put <i>my</i> arm round <i>his</i> + waist, and I suppose that it was <i>I</i> who began the acquaintance on my + birthday) and that girl who’s training for the stage did not come home + after the excursion till the night was half over. God knows where they + were! They were certainly no <i>cleaner</i> when they got home. + (Naturally, for where could they have had a wash.) His father gave the + young blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl’s mother takes + her side. It would positively kill me to think of <i>my Marina doing + anything of the kind</i>.” Father was able to get a word in at last: “But + my dear Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as I know + these two people weren’t in our break, isn’t that so girls?” I was glad + that Father turned to <i>us</i>, and I said: “Siegfried Sch. and the girl + drove in the fourth break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme + chause where he drove and with whom he was driving.” (Of course that’s not + true, but I said it was because of Aunt.) “Such language and such a tone + to your own Father!” Directly she said that Father was in such a passion + as I have never seen him in before. “My dear Alma, I really must beg you + not to interfere with <i>my</i> educational methods, any more than I ever + attempt to interfere in <i>your</i> affairs.” Father said this quite + quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora told me afterwards + that I was quite white too, also from rage of course. Aunt Alma said: “I + don’t want to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right + Goodbye.” As soon as she had gone Dora and I rushed to Father and said: + “Please Father, don’t be so frightfully angry; there’s no reason why you + should.” And Father was awfully sweet and said: “I know quite well that I + can trust you; you are my Berta’s children.” And then I simply could not + contain myself, and I said: “No, Father, I really did flirt with + Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm round my waist; but I did not + let him kiss me, I give you my word I did not. And if you want me to I’ll + promise never to speak to him again.” And then Father said: “Really, + Gretel, you have plenty of time yet for such affairs, and even if that <i>red-haired + rascal</i> plays the gallant with you, he is only making himself a + laughing-stock. And you don’t want that, do you, little witch?” Then I + threw my arms round Father and promised him <i>on my word of honour</i> + that I would never speak to Siegfried again. For it really distresses me + very much that he should make himself ridiculous; and that he should go + out walking half the night with that girl; such shamelessness! + </p> + <p> + We were so much upset that we did not go for a walk, and of course did not + go to the raffle. But I’m frightfully sorry about those things I paid 7 + crowns for. I do hope he did not win any of them. + </p> + <p> + August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this morning, as I was going to + breakfast, in the corridor I met S. (it’s a good thing that is the initial + both of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called him) and he said: + “Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. Why weren’t you at the raffle? Hadn’t + you any share?”—“Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for it, but I + had no fancy for the company I should meet.” — — Why, what has + taken you all of a sudden? They were the same people as at the excursion! + — — — “Precisely for that reason,” said I, and passed + on. I think I gave him what for, for he simply must have understood. + Father is really quite right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one’s + parents to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a word against + my parents to anyone, although I’m often frightfully angry with them; of + course not about Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father; I + would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For when we had that + trouble with Aunt Alma about Marina, I was really not in the least to + blame, but he scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so that I can + never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to some one whom I had only + just got to know, I would never say a word against anyone in our family; + though I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said much against her + even to Hella; at most that she was deceitful, and that really used to be + so, though she seldom is now. + </p> + <p> + August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can’t bear the word filthy, + but it’s the only one that’s strong enough. Oswald is coming this evening, + at last. Thank goodness. S. has made several <i>advances</i>, but I have + <i>ignored</i> them. Let him stick to his actress who can go out walking + with him half the night. I really <i>should</i> like to know where they + went. In the night, I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a + dislike to S. from the first because he — — — — + — it’s an absolute lie! — — — has clammy! hands. + It’s simply not true, on the contrary he has such entrancingly cool hands, + I’m sure I must know that better than Dora. But I’ve known for a long time + that whenever anyone pays <i>me</i> attention Dora is <i>unsympathetic</i>, + naturally enough. By the way, on Sunday I got a charming letter from + Anneliese. I must answer it to-day. + </p> + <p> + August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did not forget my birthday, but he + says that at that time he was stoney, in student’s slang that means that + he hadn’t any money, and then he could not find anything suitable, but + that he will repair the omission as soon as we get back to Vienna. But I + don’t know what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until we all go + back to Vienna, and we are making a few excursions <i>by ourselves</i>. + That is really the best way after all. I am not much with the Weiners now, + for we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But Nelly is rather taken + with Oswald, so she came twice to our table to-day, once about a book we + had lent her, and once to arrange for a walk. + </p> + <p> + August 24th. It is really absurd that one’s own brother can think such a + lot of one; but if he does, I suppose he knows. Oswald said to me to-day: + “Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you are developing.” I + said: “I don’t want anyone to bite me,” and he said: “Nor do I,” but I was + awfully delighted, though he is only my brother. He can’t stand Marina, + and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; I think he’s right, really. And I + simply can’t understand Dr. P., that he can always find something to talk + about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to me yet. Still, I don’t care. + </p> + <p> + August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, and we had a lovely + view. The two boys came, for they had begged their father to let them; but + of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. Oswald calls Aunt Alma <i>Angular + Pincushion</i>, but only when Father isn’t there, for after all she is + Father’s sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said that my + brother was staying only a few days more, and that this was a “farewell + excursion <i>en famille</i>.” They were rather hurt, but they have made me + very angry by the way in which they will go on talking about S. in front + of me, on purpose, saying that he is engaged or is going to be engaged to + the actress girl against his father’s will. What does it matter to <i>me</i>? + They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, especially Olga, who + is really rather stupid. I am so sad now at times that I simply can’t + understand how I could have enjoyed myself so much on the big excursion. + I’m always thinking of dear Mother, and I often wear my black frock. It + suits my mood better. + </p> + <p> + August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to-morrow. At least the old + gentleman said to Father the day before yesterday: “Thank the Lord, we + shall soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more.” That is what + Hella’s grandmother used to say before they came back from the country. + And to-day I saw two great trunks standing in the passage just outside + Herr Scharrer’s room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman charming; well, + there’s no accounting for tastes. I don’t believe he’s ever spoken to S., + though he is a German Nationalist too, but of a different section; Oswald + belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that section frightfully when I told + him that Oswald belonged to the Sudmark. + </p> + <p> + August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, the whole family has + gone. They came to bid us goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left + this morning by the 9 o’clock train to Innsbruck. And his hands are not + clammy, I paid particular attention to the point; it is pure imagination + on Dora’s part. He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That’s a + splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between Hella and me. + </p> + <p> + September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because people are really + beginning to stare at their mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to me + she told me she hated having to travel with her mother and whenever + possible she would lag behind a little so that people should not know they + belonged together. + </p> + <p> + September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! S. has come back, alone of + course. Everyone is indignant, for he has only come back because of + Fraulein A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him like anything. This + afternoon Frau Lunda said to Aunt Dora: “It’s simply scandalous, and his + parents certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even if the + girl’s mother does not know any better.” Then Oswald said: “Excuse me, + Frau Lunda, Scharrer is no longer a schoolboy who must cling to his + mother’s apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy of a + full-grown German.” I was so pleased that he gave a piece of his mind to + Frau L., for she is always glaring at one and is so frantically + inquisitive. And <i>tutelage</i> is such an impressive word, S. used it + once when he was speaking of his sister and why she had never married. + Frau L. was furious. She turned to Aunt Dora and said: “Young men + naturally take one another’s part, until they are fathers themselves and + then they hold other views.” + </p> + <p> + September 8th. Thank goodness we are going home the day after to-morrow. + It really has been rather dull here, certainly I can’t join in the paean + Hella sang about the place last year; of course they were not staying in + the Edelweiss boarding house but in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. It + makes a lot of difference <i>where</i> one is staying. By the way, it has + just occurred to me. The young wife who had the eruption after <i>infection</i> + can’t have been divorced, as Hella wrote me the week before last; for her + husband has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the Theatre Royal in + Munich. So it would seem that actors really are all <i>infected</i>; and + Hella always says it is only officers! She takes rather an exaggerated + view. + </p> + <p> + September 14th. We have been back in Vienna since the 11th, but I have + been absolutely unable to write, though there was plenty to write about. + For the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to fetch some cocoa + which Resi had forgotten, was Lieutenant R. Viktor, <i>the Conqueror!!</i> + Of course he recognised me immediately, and was awfully friendly, and <i>walked + with me a little way</i>. He asked casually after Dora, but it is obvious + that he is not in love with her any more. And it was so funny that he + should not know that Dora had matriculated this year and so would not be + going to the High School any more. I did not tell him that she intends to + go on with her studies, for it is not absolutely settled yet. + </p> + <p> + September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I am so glad; I greeted her + with: <i>Hail!</i> but she said; “don’t be silly,” besides, it’s + unsuitable for an Austrian officer’s daughter!!! Still, we won’t quarrel + about it after 2 months’ separation, and <i>Servus</i> is very smart too + though not so distinguished. She told me a tremendous lot more about that + young married woman; some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was <i>in + love</i> with the husband. That would be awful, for then she would get + infected too; but Hella says she did not notice anything, though she + watched very closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang at two of + the musical evenings, but she did not see any sign of it. Lizzi is <i>engaged</i>, + but Hella could not write anything about it, for the engagement is only + being officially announced now that they are back in Vienna; her fiance is + Baron G. He is an attache in London, and she met him there. He is madly in + love with her. In August he was on leave, and he came to B. to make an + offer of marriage; that is why they stayed the whole summer in B. instead + of going to Hungary. Those were the <i>special circumstances</i>, about + which Hella said she could not write to me. I don t see why she could not + have told me <i>that</i>, I should have kept it to myself; and after all, + Lizzi is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been surprised that she is + engaged at last. They can’t have a great betrothal party, for Baron G.‘s + father died in July. Hella is very much put out. Lizzi says it does not + matter a bit. + </p> + <p> + September 18th. Lizzi’s betrothal cards arrived to-day. It must be + glorious to send out betrothal cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, + though she said when I asked her: “Why do you flush up so, surely there’s + no reason to be ashamed when anyone is <i>engaged!</i>” “Really, why + should you think I am ashamed, I am merely <i>extremely surprised</i>.” + But one does not get so red as <i>that</i> from surprise. + </p> + <p> + September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, for <i>she</i> has + gone. And what was the Third is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to + sit in the classroom without <i>her</i>. Luckily we have Frau Doktor St. + as class mistress, and she is to teach us mathematics and physics once + more; Frau Doktor F., whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to + call Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed to the German High + School in Lemberg. For the time being we are sitting in our old place, but + Hella says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another seat, for the + memory of the three years when we had Frau Doktor M. might make us + inattentive. That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, in + French I am sorry to say it’s still Frau Doktor Dunker, whose complexion + has not improved, and in English the head mistress. I am very pleased with + that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly I shall be in + her good books from the start because Dora was her favourite. Of course + I’m not learning Latin, for it would not interest me now that Frau Doktor + M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion teacher, for Herr Professor K. + has retired, since he was 60 already. + </p> + <p> + September 21st. We have managed it. In the long interval, Hella said to + Frau Doktor St., who was in charge. “Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask + for something?” So she said: “What, in the very first week; well, what is + it?” We said we should like to move from the third bench towards the + window, for we found it very painful to go on sitting where we had sat + when Frau Doktor M., was there. At first she refused, but after a while + she said: “I’ll see what I can do, if you are really not happy where you + are.” From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, and as soon as Frau Doktor + Steiner had taken her place she said: “This arrangement of your seats was + only provisional. You had better sit more according to height.” Then she + rearranged us all, and Hella and I were moved to the 5th bench on the + window side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our places; in front of us + is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike Hammer whose father is a + confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. We are awfully glad that we have got + away from that hateful third bench where <i>she</i> used so often to stand + near us and lay her hand on the desk. + </p> + <p> + September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German professor, came to-day for + the first time. He is always clearing his throat and he wears gold + spectacles. Hella thinks him <i>tolerably</i> nice, but I don’t. I’m quite + sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German again. Yesterday the + new Religion master came for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella + being a Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill and his eyes + are always lowered though he has burning black eyes. Next time I shall sit + beside Hammer which will be company for us both. + </p> + <p> + October 2nd. We had confession and communion to-day, and since the staff + will not allow us to choose our confessors, I had to go to Professor + Ruppy. I did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell me to speak + louder three times over. When I began about the sixth commandment he + covered his eyes with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask any + questions about that. The only one of the staff who used to allow us to + choose our confessors was Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow it + directly but when one ran quickly to another confessional box, she + pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof gives frightfully long + penances; all the girls who went to him took a tremendous time to get + through. I do hope he won’t be so strict over his examinations or I shall + get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. October 3rd. Father was so + splendid to-day! Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked her not long + ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau Riedl, whose husband died + almost exactly the same time as Mother, for Father is guardian to her + three children. She was here to-day with Willi, because he has just begun + going to school. Dora and I talked it over, and she said that if Father + married Frau R., she would leave home. In the evening when we were at + supper, I said: “If only Frau v. R. was not so ugly. Father, don’t you + think she’s perfectly hideous? And Father laughed so lovingly and said: + You need not be anxious, little witch, I’m not going to inflict a + stepmother on you.” I was so glad, and so was Dora and we kissed Father + such a lot, and Dora said: “I felt sure that you would never break your + oath to Mother,” and she burst out crying. And Father said: “No, girls, I + did not give any promise to your Mother, she would never have asked + anything of the kind. But with grown girls like you it would never do to + bring a stepmother into the house.” And then I told Father that Dora would + have gone away from home, and as for me, I should certainly have been + frightfully upset. For <i>if</i> Father really wanted <i>to marry</i> + again <i>I</i> should have to put up with it; and so would Dora. But + Father said once more: “Don’t worry, I certainly shan’t marry again.” And + I said: “Not even Aunt Dora?” And he said: “Oh, as for her — —” + And then he pulled himself up and said: “No, no, not even Aunt Dora.” Dora + has just told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely I must know that + Father is not particularly charmed by Aunt. And then she blamed me for + having told Father that she would leave home if he were to marry again. <i>I + am a child</i> to whom it is impossible to entrust any secrets!! Now we + have been quarrelling for at least three quarters of an hour, so it is + already half past 11. Luckily to-morrow is a holiday, because of the + Emperor’s birthday. But I am so glad to know for certain that Father is + not going to marry Frau v. R I could never get on with a stepmother. + </p> + <p> + October 9th. It’s horribly difficult in German this year. In composition + we are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straight + off and then <i>hand it in</i>. I simply can’t. Professor Fritsch is very + handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict. + His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. He has got + a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to be a Protestant he + can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectly fascinated by him, but + I’m not in the least. For I always think of Prof. W. in the Second, and + that’s enough for me. I’m not going to fall in love with any more + professors. In the Training College, where Marina is now, in her fourth + year one of the professors last year married a former pupil. I would not + do that at any price, marry a former professor, who knows all one’s + faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 years older than the girl; + and that’s perfectly horrible, one might as well marry one’s father; he + would be at least fond of her, and she would at least know the way he + likes to have everything done; but to marry one’s former professor, what + an extraordinary thing to do! + </p> + <p> + October 15th. I’m frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse; she + says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation, especially + now that — — —; she says she would rather die. That + would be awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she + has such pain; but she won’t. + </p> + <p> + October 19th. In November, Hella’s father will be made a general and will + be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay here with her + grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go to Cracow at + Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She is frantically + delighted. The good news has made her quite well again. Everyone at school + is very proud that there will be a general’s daughter in our class. It’s + true that there is a field-marshal’s daughter in the Third, but he is + retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over a retired officer. + </p> + <p> + October 22nd. We are so much excited that we’ve hardly any time to learn + our lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella’s mother several + of Geierstamm’s novels. The other day one of them was lying on the table, + and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it and read the + title <i>The Power of Woman!!!</i> When her mother had finished it, she + watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we are reading + it. It’s simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signe whom he is + so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried so much that we + could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whom her father is + everything; I can understand so well that she is always anxious lest her + father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, although she has a husband + already. And when she dies, oh, it’s so horrible and so beautiful that we + read it over three times in succession. The other day my eyes were quite + red from crying, and Aunt said I must be working too hard; for she thinks + that Hella and I are studying literature together. Oh dear, lessons are an + awful nuisance when one has <i>such</i> books to read. + </p> + <p> + October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novel <i>The + Power of Woman</i>; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes + she’ll be able to get hold of some other book, but it’s not so easy to do + without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to her + friends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don’t want to read + <i>The Little Brother’s Book</i>, the title does not attract us; but + there’s a novel called <i>The Comedy of Marriage</i>, it must be splendid; + we <i>must</i> get that whatever happens. + </p> + <p> + October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella’s + grandmother will come and live there; only the Herr <i>General!!!</i> is + going to C., and of course Hella’s mother too. Lizzi will stay, for she is + taking cooking lessons, since she is to be <i>married</i> in Mid-Lent. + </p> + <p> + October 31st. Hella’s parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, for she + did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she is + engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, either + to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which. + </p> + <p> + November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the German + lesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper places for + commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at all in + previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming at Frau + Doktor M., whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times better + than Professor F.‘s. And on this very matter of punctuation Frau Doktor M. + took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples. Besides, + whether one has a good style or not does not depend upon whether one puts + a <i>comma</i> in the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, who towards the end + were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who were Frau Doktor + M.‘s favourites, ought to write a composition without a single comma, just + to show him. That’s a splendid idea, and Hella and I will do it like a + shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too. + </p> + <p> + November 6th. This year all the classes <i>must</i> have at least two + outings every month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last + school year, when Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly have + gone every time. But this year, when she has left, we can’t enjoy it. Frau + Doktor St. is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go + somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi if she + likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganing parties + at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. + </p> + <p> + December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but I + must write to-day! There’s been such a row in the German lesson!! We got + back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner, + Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing would have + been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas first and then + scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. noticed anything we + would say we had meant to go through them together before the lesson, and + to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had no time. Now the + silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going to bring the matter + before the staff meeting. But after all, it’s simply <i>impossible</i> to + give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark. + </p> + <p> + December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lesson to-day. + Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all the knowledge which + Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the firm foundation of + our further development in the higher classes. In the English lesson she + referred to the more restricted use of punctuation marks in English; and + afterwards we 6 <i>sinners</i> were summoned to the office. The whole + school knew about the trouble and was astonished at our courage, + especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were rather annoyed + that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head gave us a terrible + scolding, saying that it was an unexampled piece of impudence, and that we + were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. Then Hella said very modestly: + “Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to say a word in our defence?” + Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch never missed a chance of casting a + slur upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain words of course, but so that we + could not fail to understand it, and that was why we acted as we did. The + head answered we must certainly be mistaken, that no member of the staff + could ever speak against another in such a way we had simply misunderstood + Prof Fritsch! But we know perfectly well how often the Nutling used to say + in the Maths lesson: “Don’t you know <i>that</i>? Surely you <i>must</i> + have been taught that.” The emphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is + to-morrow, and we were told to do our best to make amends before the + meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds suggested that we should write the compositions + over again, of course with all the commas, and should place them on his + desk to-morrow morning before the German lesson; but all the rest of us + were against this, for we saw plainly that the head had changed colour + when Hella said what she did. We shall make the corrections and then we + shall all begin new copybooks. + </p> + <p> + December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a word has + been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterday the + Prof. gave out the subject for the third piece of home work without saying + anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has saved us all, + for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did, even I. + Hella said: “My dear Rita, I’m not an officer’s daughter for nothing;” if + <i>I</i> have not courage, who should have? The girls stare at us in the + interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the head said to + us: “I do hope that this business will not be spread all over the school.” + But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler’s sister is in + the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard about it. I suppose + nothing is going to be said to our parents or something would have + happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I have already dropped + a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, is no longer at the + school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss. It was only at first + that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite right when she said: “I’m sure + nothing will happen to us, for <i>we are in the right</i>.” + </p> + <p> + December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do our + Christmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned into + Tuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both their <i>voices trembled</i>. He + does look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And the + green facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat + quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as the Upper + Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throat + trouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that + — — — — —. When he said goodbye he kissed + our hands, <i>mine as well as Dora’s</i>, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and + sweetly at the same time. Several times I wanted to turn the conversation + upon him. But when Dora does not want a thing, you can do what you like + and she won’t budge; she’s as obstinate as a mule! She’s always been like + that since she was quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! + That meant: Dora won’t; little wretch! such a wilful little beast! + </p> + <p> + December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on the + Anninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow lay + fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As we were + going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caught her foot + on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She had to tie + it on with a string, and even then she limped so badly that every one + believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing. Her grandmother was + frightfully angry and said: “That comes of such <i>unladylike</i> + amusements!” Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she had been with us, but + Father said: Hella’s grandmother is quite an old lady, and in her day + people had very different views in this respect. I should say so, <i>in + this respect</i>, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, all the things + she must not say and must not do, and all the things which are unsuitable + for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her under a glass + shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be able to see out, and + <i>no one</i> must be able to see <i>in</i>. (The last is the main point.) + </p> + <p> + December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas, and not + a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has proved splendidly + right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with every member of the + staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who is a newcomer and did + not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o’clock the other day we met + Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, and says that the whole + tone of the place is utterly different, she is so glad to have done with + the High School. She had heard of the affair with Prof. F. and she + congratulated us upon our <i>strength of character</i>, especially Hella + of course. She says that the matter is common talk in all the High Schools + of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl at the High School for the + Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sister is at the School of + Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she is annoyed that such an + institution should still be called a school; it’s not a <i>school</i> in + the least; we would be astonished to see how free they all are. She is + very pretty and has even more figure than she used to have. She speaks + very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that everyone turned round to + look at us. She hopes that she will be able to invite us to see her debut + in <i>one year!!!</i> I should never be able to stand on a stage before a + lot of strangers, I know I would never be able to get a word out. + </p> + <p> + December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday she got + such bad influenza and sore throat that she can’t go to Cracow. She says + she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has been + spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretched + influenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her father + will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on, Christmas + without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simply don’t dare to + think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says too that it + can’t be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder what Father will say + when he sees Mother’s portrait. I do hope the frame will be ready + to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able to see + Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with a lieutenant of + dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, and he is madly in + love with her. He knows that her father is a general, for when her father + went to kiss the Emperor’s hand he took Hella part of the way with him in + the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenant then. So now he + salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall and looks fearfully + aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that she <i>invariably</i> + denies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tell her, or if she + notices anything I don’t deny it. What’s the sense of it between friends? + for example, the year before last she was certainly in love with the young + doctor in the hospital. And in September when we came back from Theben + with that magnificent lieutenant in the flying corps, I made no secret of + the fact that I was frantically in love with him. But she did not believe + me, and said: That is not real love, when people don’t see one another for + months and flirt with others between whiles. That was aimed at Hero + Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it’s really too absurd. + </p> + <p> + December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M., at least she is Frau + Professor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas good + wishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wished + me a happy New Year, <i>she took the lead in this</i>; it was heavenly. I + was frightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to + save herself the trouble of writing again; I’m sure that’s not true. Dora + always says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, her divine + letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, and <i>her</i> photograph + too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that was all Hella had + sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. as a stepmother, that is, + not quite well, but better than anyone else. She wrote so sweetly about + Mother, saying that of course I should find this Christmas less happy than + usual. She is certainly right there. We can none of us feel as if the day + after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. The only thing that I really enjoy + thinking of is the way Father will stare when he sees the portrait. But + really in the first years after such a loss one ought not to keep + Christmas, for on such days one feels one’s sadness more than ever. + </p> + <p> + December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but I + must write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning at + about half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that she + must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open, prepared to + greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there was a gentleman + standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew him in a + moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. Meanwhile Dora had + opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof of + deceitfulness: She was <i>not in the least</i> surprised, but said: “Ah, + Dr. Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word.” So it was plain + that he had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he + was coming <i>to-day</i>, for she was wearing her best black silk apron + with the insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What + a humbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora came + in and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the time + he had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed that + there was such a person as me in the world Not until he was actually + leaving did he say: “Well; Fraulein, how are you?” “Oh well,” said I, “I’m + much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother’s death.” Dora got as + red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how to treat him <i>if</i> + he becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long way off; for he lives + in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dora to marry away to + Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was so enraged at this + deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, or whatever time it was, + Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in a white blouse with a black + bow, and had remained in her room till the last minute so that I might not + know what she was wearing. For I had believed she would wear her black + dress with the insertions, and so I was wearing mine. Oh well, that did + not matter. At supper he talked all the time to Dora, so I purposely + talked to Oswald. Then he said that on March 1st he was going to be + transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora was not in the least astonished, so + <i>she must have known all about it!</i> But now I remember quite well + that in October the postman handed me a letter for her with the Innsbruck + postmark. So she was <i>corresponding with him openly the whole time</i>, + less than 6 months after Mother’s death. It really is too bad! But when I + was chattering about the country, she kicked me under the table as a hint + not to laugh so frightfully. And when my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it + does make me laugh, two or three years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we + used to call Dora Inspe, because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The + bridal pair in spe! And now she is in the same position. When he went away + in the evening I was trembling lest Father should invite him to the + Christmas tree, but thank goodness when Father asked: “What are you doing + with yourself to-morrow,” he answered: “To-morrow I am spending the day + with my sister’s family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way.” + Thank goodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for + visitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew + — — — I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of + course I gave up believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go + somewhere. There are so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a + newspaper feuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter: <i>The + Riddle of Love</i>. But <i>this</i> riddle does not make people sad, as + one can see by Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem + alike in this respect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi’s + engagement. It is true, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not + at home; but there was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it + mean? Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister + <i>everything</i>? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Oh + well, <i>I</i> don’t care, I’m not going to let my Christmas Eve be + disturbed by a thing <i>like that</i>; if one can call it a <i>Christmas + Eve</i> at all. On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I + shall tell Hella that I want to come to her and her grandmother. After + all, I am glad she has stayed in Vienna. + </p> + <p> + December 25th. Christmas Eve was <i>very</i> melancholy. We all three got + Mother’s picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms. Dora + sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and put my arms + around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. Only Oswald did + not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so glad that Dr. + P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to cry before strangers. + We <i>both</i> got lovely white guipure blouses, not lace blouses, then + Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, and she also gave me an + anthology which I had asked for. Brahms’ Hungarian Dances, because Dora + would not lend me hers last year because she said they were too difficult + for me; as if <i>that</i> were any business of hers; surely my music + mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper with my monogram, a + new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hair ribbons and other + trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother’s portrait; of course we + had not known that he was getting us life-size portraits of Mother, and + from the last photograph of the winter before last we had quite a small + likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a painter, and who knew Mother + very well—in colour of course. And we got a lovely rococo frame to + close up; when it is open it looks as if Mother were looking out of the + window. That was <i>my</i> idea, and Herr Milanowitz thought it <i>most + original</i>. Dora considered it very awkward that he would not take any + money for it, but it made it possible for us to get a much more elegant + frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going to send Herr M. some of + the best cigars, bought with <i>our own</i> money, I wanted to send them + for Christmas, but we don’t know anything about cigars, and we did not + want to tell anyone because one can never know whether one won’t be + betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional; but that is not true, + for when one betrays anything one has always secretly intended to do so; + and then one says it was a slip of the tongue; but one really knows all + the time. I can’t write down all the extra things that Dora got, only one + of them: At 7 o’clock just when Father was lighting the candles on the + tree, a commissionaire brought some lovely roses with two sprays of + mistletoe interwoven and beneath a nosegay of violets — — + — of course from Dr. P. with a card, but she would not let anyone + read that. All she said was: “Dr. P. sends everyone Christmas greetings; I + believe he had really written: <i>Merry</i> Christmas,” but Dora did not + dare to say <i>that</i>. Oh, and Hella gave me a bead bag, and I gave her + a purse with the double eagle on it, for she wanted a purse that would + have a military look. I never knew anyone with such an enthusiasm for the + army as Hella; certainly I think officers look awfully smart; but surely + it’s going too far when she feels that other men practically don’t exist. + The others have to learn a lot, for example doctors, lawyers, mining + engineers, not to speak of students at the College of Agriculture, for + perhaps these last “hardly count” (that’s the phrase Hella is always + using); but all of them have to learn a great deal more than officers do; + Hella never will admit that, and always begins to talk of the officers of + the general staff; as if they <i>all</i> belonged to the general staff! We + have often argued about it. Still, I do hope she will get an officer for + her husband, of course one who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise + it’s no go; for Father says the Bruckners have no private means. It’s true + he always says that of us too, but I don’t believe it; we are not so to + say rich, but I fancy we should both of us have enough money for an + officer to be able to marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that + possibility, <i>if</i> she is really going to marry Dr. P. + </p> + <p> + 27th. Well, I went to Hella’s yesterday and stayed till 9, and on + Christmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. were not + well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always get a + great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdays and + name days (of course Protestants don’t have these last), but we don’t give + one another such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had been given a + piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at the dancing class which + must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collar and cuffs, which we + had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, then she had a gold ring + with an emerald, and a number of smaller things which she never even + looked at. And to see all the things her sister got, things for her <i>trousseau!</i> + And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though + ours was just as good. So I think that the Bs. really have plenty of + money, and I said to Hella: “You must be enormously rich.” And she said: + “Oh well, not so rich as all that; I must not expect to marry an officer + on the general staff. Lizzi has done very well for herself for Paul is a + baron and is very well off. He is frantically in love with her; queer + taste, isn’t it?” I quite agree, for Lizzi has not much to boast of in the + way of looks, beautiful fair hair, but she is so awfully thin, not a trace + of b — —, Hella has much more figure. And if one hasn’t any by + the time one is 20 one is not likely to get one. + </p> + <p> + Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: “I say, what’s + the Christian name of that Dr. who is dangling after your sister?” Then it + struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only has Dr. + jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when we first + made his acquaintance, Dora said, It’s a pity he’s called August, the name + does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quite ill, for of + course Hella began to sing: “O du lieber Augustin,” and then I thought of + Der dumme August [clown’s nickname in circus] and we wondered what Dora + would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darling Augi, my beloved + Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Then we discussed what + names we should like to have for our husbands, and I said: Ewald or Leo, + and Hella said: Wouldn’t you like Siegfried? But I put my hand on her + mouth and said: “Shut up, or you will make me really angry, <i>that</i> is + and must remain forgotten.” She said what she would like best would be to + have a husband called Peter or Thamian or Chrysostomus; then for a pet + name she would use Dami or Sosti; and then she said quite seriously that + she would only marry a man called Egon, or Alexander, or at least Georg. + Just at that moment her mother came in to call us to tea, and she said: + “What’s an that about Alexander and Georg? You are such dreadful girls. If + you are alone together for a couple of minutes (I had come at half past 2 + and the Brs. have tea at 4, and that’s what Hella’s mother calls 2 + minutes), you begin to talk of unsuitable things.” Hella was afraid her + mother would think God knows what, so she said: “Oh no, Mother, we were + only discussing what names we should like our fiances to have.” You ought + to have seen how her mother went on. “That’s just it, that when you are + barely 15 (I’m not 15 yet) you should have nothing but <i>such</i> things + in your heads!” <i>Such</i> things, how absurd. At tea it was almost as + dull as it was the other evening at home; for the Herr Baron was there, + that is, they all say Du to one another now, for the wedding is to be in + February, as soon as it is settled whether the Baron is to stay in London + or to be transferred to Berlin. It must be funny to say “Du” to a strange + man. Hella says she soon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well + enough. When he brings Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, + he always gives Hella a box for herself. <i>Other</i> people would + certainly not do that, and I know <i>other</i> people who wouldn’t accept + it. When I got home, Father said: Well, another time I think you’d better + stay and sleep at the Brs., and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy + here. And Oswald said: “What you need is a box on the ear,” Father was + luckily out of the room already and so I said: “<i>Your</i> children, if + you ever have any, can be kept in order by boxing their ears till they are + green and blue, but you have no rights over your sisters, Father told you + so in Fieberbrunn.” “Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has + done so from the first.” “Please don’t draw me into your quarrels,” said + Dora, as if she had been something quite different from me. And then Aunt + Dora said: “I do wish you would not keep on quarreling.” “<i>I</i> didn’t + begin it,” said I, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went + to Father’s room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, + but I <i>didn’t</i> say goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I’m not going to + put up with <i>everything</i>. And now it’s half past 11 already, for I + have been writing such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I’m <i>very</i> + unhappy. Even Hella doesn’t know how unhappy I am. I must go to bed now; + whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly manage + it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + 31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and mother + returned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother she was + going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to the Brs., so + we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round the cemetery + while I went to darling Mother’s grave. I am so unhappy; Hella consoles me + as much as she can, but even she can’t understand. + </p> + <p> + January 1, 19—! Of course we did not keep New Year’s Eve yesterday, + but were quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. + brought Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets + as a New Year’s greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming here + on the evening of the 3rd. I can’t say I look forward to it. To-morrow + school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck; + Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through the + day in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year’s day at 2 in + the afternoon. But still, if it means <i>good luck!</i> + </p> + <p> + January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece of <i>luck</i> + to-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls in the hall, + and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau Doktor M., I + should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them, she saw us + directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She has come to + visit her parents and <i>her husband</i> is with her; since she did not + know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school she had + not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and so + entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau Doktor Dunker + came in I saw that <i>she</i> was still standing outside. So I put my + handkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out to + her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms to me. + Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: “Of course I + understood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and look + after you.” Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: “You + are such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately.” But + of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged her to let + us stay with her, but she said: “No, no, I’ve been your teacher here, and + I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a better idea. Would you + like to come and see me to-morrow?” “Rather,” we both exclaimed. She said + she was staying in a hotel, but we must not come alone to a hotel, so she + would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, and we were to come there at + 4 or half past. Then we kissed both her hands and were so happy! To-morrow + at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and nearly a whole day to wait. “If your + parents allow you,” she said; as if Father or even Hella’s grandmother + would not allow <i>that!</i> All Father said was: “All right Gretel, but + don’t go quite off your head first or you won’t be able to find your way + to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy as you are?” Of course, how can one be + otherwise? + </p> + <p> + January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it’s awful, Hella is coming to fetch me at + half past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and all + the other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, + what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we had just + time to make a memento for <i>her</i>, since she does not leave until the + evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silk for a + book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T., the new one of course. + Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. I would + rather have done something of that sort too, but I have no patience for + such work, so I often spoil it before I’ve finished. But one can’t very + well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan’t get the tracing on the silk + back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall have to work all night + and the whole day to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like to take + it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and I shan’t + get it until to-morrow morning early. So I’m able to write now: It was + heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house for at least + half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so sweet to + us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we <i>simply would not have it</i>, + and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts of things, I + don’t know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, and then she drew + me to her b — —, no, I can’t write that about her; she drew me + to herself and than I felt <i>her heart beating!</i> and went almost + crazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I’m sure + that’s all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has such + fascinating hands, and the <i>wedding ring</i> glistens so on her divine + ring finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenly + said: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when half the + class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks. “Oh,” we + said, “that is a frightful cram, it wasn’t <i>half</i> the class, but only + 6 of us who have a special veneration for you.” Then we told her how it + all came about. She laughed a little, and said: “Well, girls, you did not + do me any particular <i>service</i>. It really was a great piece of + impertinence.” But I said: “Prof. Fritsch’s remarks were 10 times more + impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, and what was + worse to you.” Then she said: “My darling girls, that often happens in + life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whether justly or + unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession.” Hella said that the + head mistress was not like that or there would have been a frightful row, + since the matter had become known in all the High Schools of Vienna. Then + Frau Doktor M. said: “Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really a splendid + woman.” Then there came something glorious, or really 2 glorious things: + (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than I have ever eaten + before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs in the matter of + sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this: after we had been + there some time, there was a knock at the door and in came <i>her</i> + husband, the Herr Prof., and said: “How are you my treasure?” and to us: + “Goodday, young <i>ladies</i>.” Then she introduced us, saying: “Two of my + best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents.” Then the Herr Prof. + laughed a great deal and said: “That can’t be said of all pupils.” So I + said quickly: “Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, the whole class + would go through fire for her.” Then he went away, and she said: “Excuse + me for a moment,” and we could hear quite plainly that <i>he kissed her</i> + in the next room, and then she said as she came in again: “Oh well, be off + with you, Karl, goodbye.” It’s a pity his name is Karl, it’s so prosaic, + and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alone he calls her + Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed, it’s half past 11 + already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, my sweet glorious ecstatic + golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy. + </p> + <p> + January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can’t go + tobogganing because Dora has a <i>chill!!!</i> I got the bookmarker on the + 4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up at + half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o’clock we took + our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to give them to + her ourselves, we didn’t, but only gave them to the maid. She said: Shall + I show you in? but Hella said: “No, thank you, we don’t want to disturb + Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh no, it was + better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know what <i>she</i> said: But + my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not do that on <i>my</i> + account!” Oh dear, I’m crying so that I can hardly write, but I <i>must</i> + write, for there is still so much that’s glorious to put down, things that + I must never, never forget, even if it should take me a week to write. The + great thing is that I shall simply live upon this memory, and the only + thing I want in life is that I may see <i>her</i> once more. Of course we + took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of the valley with violets and + tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She was delighted, and went directly + to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought in. She is as small as Frau + Richter, and her hair is grey, she is charming; but she is not in the + least like Frau Doktor M. When we said goodbye she offered us still more + sweets, but since we were both nearly crying already we did not want to + take any more, but she wrapped them nearly all up for us, saying: “To + console you in your sorrow.” From anyone else it might have sounded + ironical, but from her it was simply lovely. There were 17 large sweets, + and Hella gave me 9 of them and took only 8 for herself. I shall eat only + one every day, so that they will last me 9 days. <i>Joy and sorrow + combined!!</i> Hella is not so frightfully in love as I am, and yesterday + she said, in joke of course: “It seems to me that your whole world is + foundered; I must pull you out, or you’ll be drowned.” And then she asked + me how I could have been so stupid as to use the word <i>honeymoon</i> to + <i>her</i>, although she hemmed to warn me. She said it really was utterly + idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. blushed. I did not notice it + myself, but when her <i>husband</i> came in, she certainly did flush up + like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lot of <i>other things of + that sort</i>. I should so much have liked to ask her whether she has + given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof. really is a Jew, + though he does not <i>look</i> like one. For lots of other men wear black + beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks it is a very good + thing I did not, for one <i>does not talk about such things</i>. I wonder + <i>whether she will have a baby</i>? Oh, it would be horrible. Of course + she may have entered into a <i>marriage</i> contract, that would have been + the best way. However, Hella thinks that the professor would not have + agreed to anything of the kind. But surely if he was frantically in love + with her . . . + </p> + <p> + January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We did not + say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invited to + see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us and in + the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut it in + two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given by + some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: “Doubly + sweetened, by chocolate and love.” “Yes,” said I, “but not in the sense + you imagine.” And since she said: “Oh, of course, I know all about that, + but I don’t want to be indiscreet,” Hella said: “I may as well tell you + that Frau Doktor M., or I should say the <i>married</i> Frau Prof. Theyer, + gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invited us to + go and see her.” Then they were all utterly kerblunxed and said: “Great + Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.‘s favourites, + especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M.” + </p> + <p> + January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her, + the glorious one! I’ve just been reading it over, and I see that I have + left a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we were + leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because as I + opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an old gentleman + came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we were crying, + though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to us and asked + what was the matter. Then Hella said: “We have lost out best friend.” Then + the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously long time and said: “I + say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers of Frau Doktor Mallburg? + She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: But you really can’t go + through the streets bathed in tears like that. Come upstairs again with me + and my daughter will console you.” So we really did go upstairs again, and + she was perfectly unique. Her father opened the door and called out: + Lieserl, your admirers simply can’t part from you, and I found them being + washed out to sea in a river of tears. Then she came out wearing a <i>rose-coloured + dressing-gown!!!</i> exquisite. And she led us into the room and said: + “Girls, you must not look at me in this old rag, which is only fit to + throw away.” I should have liked to say: “Give it to <i>me</i> then.” But + of course I could not. And when we made our final goodbye, perhaps <i>for + ever</i>, she kissed each of us <i>twice over</i> and said: Girls, I wish + you all the happiness in the world! + </p> + <p> + January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. But + I’m not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. That was + not a <i>real</i> love. I don’t care for anyone in the whole world except + her, my one and only! Even Hella can’t understand that, in fact she thinks + it <i>dotty</i>. Father wanted me to go to Hella’s <i>to change the + current of my thoughts</i>. Of course I hardly say a word about <i>her</i> + to anyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed that + Father would be just like anyone else. It’s quite true that I’m getting + thin. I’m so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dora + has a chill, a <i>real</i> chill this time. So I am going to the church in + Schwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front of <i>her</i> house; + perhaps I shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day + before yesterday. + </p> + <p> + January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me <i>by return!</i> This is the + second letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: “Hullo, + Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you with such + a sunny face for a long time.” So I answered in as few words as possible: + “After dinner I will tell <i>you</i> why.” For the others need not know + anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof. Th. had + written to me, Father said: “Oh, is <i>that</i> what has pleased you so + much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you. + February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and if + you and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make an + excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?” It would be glorious, + if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that the + sore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on the + Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As if <i>we</i> could help + that. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already, + and one forgets a lot when one is that age. + </p> + <p> + Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try a + little skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: “All right, + I’ll come, if you’ll promise not to be continually talking about Frau + Professor Th. I’m very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy about + her.” It’s really too bad, and I shall never mention <i>her</i> name to + the others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at + Mariazell. We’ve never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah, + it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I’m + frantically excited. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + EDITOR’S NOTE + </h2> + <p> + Rita’s joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening snow-clad + hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate was thrust into the + lives of the two sisters. On January 29th their father, suddenly struck + down with paralysis, was brought home in an ambulance, and died in a few + hours without recovering consciousness. + </p> + <p> + Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, separated + from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had to struggle for peace + of soul in the isolation of a provincial town — — — + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s A Young Girl’s Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY *** + +***** This file should be named 752-h.htm or 752-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/5/752/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Young Girl's Diary + +Author: An Anonymous Young Girl + +Commentator: Prefaced by a letter by Sigmund Freud + +Translator: Eden and Cedar Paul + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #752] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + + +A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY + +Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + +Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul + + +CONTENTS + + FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12 + SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13 + THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14 + LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2 + CONCLUSION + + +PREFACE + + +THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging to +the upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, +1915, a letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifies +to the permanent value of the document: + + +"This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been written +enabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belonging +to our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal +development. We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoism +of childhood to attain maturity; how the relationships to parents +and other members of the family first shape themselves, and how they +gradually become more serious and more intimate; how friendships are +formed and broken. We are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards +its first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery of the sexual +life first presses itself vaguely on the attention, and then takes +entire possession of the growing intelligence, so that the child suffers +under the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes enabled to +shoulder the burden. Of all these things we have a description at once +so charming, so serious, and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of +supreme interest to educationists and psychologists. + +"It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students of +my own writings will be grateful to you." + +In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned down +nothing, has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The only +alterations she has made have been such as were essential to conceal the +identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned in the document. +Consequently, surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have been +changed. These modifications have enabled the original author of the +diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal of serious readers. + +No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and other +inelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regarded +as the expression of a child's incapacity for the control of language. +Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of affective +trends, as errors in functioning brought about by the influence of the +Unconscious. + +THE EDITOR. VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919. + + + + +FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE + + +FIRST YEAR + + +July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed that +when we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dora +keeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene +"Hella," and she calls me "Rita;" Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dora +has taken to calling herself "Thea," but I go on calling her "Dora." She +says that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep a +diary. She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than in +hers and Lizzi's. + +July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays, +but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shall +know what we have been doing in the holidays. + +The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was very +easy, in dictation I made only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The +mistress said that didn't matter, I had only made a slip. That is quite +true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has an _h_ in it. We were both +dressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone believed +we were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to have +a cousin. But it's still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell one +another everything. + +July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I are +really sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then every +day before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in the +class-room. But we're awfully pleased because of the other girls. One is +more important when one goes to the high school instead of only to +the middle school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. "They are +bursting with pride" (that's what my sister says of me and Hella, but +it is not true). "Our two students" said the mistress when we came away. +She told us to write to her from the country. I shall. + +July 15th. Lizzi, Hella's sister, is not so horrid as Dora, she +is always so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least ten +chocolate-creams. It's true Hella often says to me: "You don't know her, +what a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very nice to me." +Certainly it is very funny the way in which she always speaks of us as +"the little ones" or "the children," as if she had never been a child +herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. Besides we're just +the same as she is now. She is in the fourth class and we are in the +first. + +To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I'm frightfully excited. +Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother +and Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. + +July 19th. It's awfully hard to write every day in the holidays. +Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in a +big house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight off +for her own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms of +horrid little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies and +such things. I'm not going to put up with being driven out of the +front veranda. I won't have it. Besides, Father said: "Don't quarrel, +children!" (_Children_ to _her_ too!!) He's quite right. She puts +on such airs because she'll be fourteen in October. "The verandas are +common property," said Father. Father's always so just. He never lets +Dora lord it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I'm +writing to Hella to-day. She's not written to me yet. + +July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. I +don't know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here in +August or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather go +to stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: "We'll see," +and that means he'll let me go. When Father and Mother say We'll see it +really means Yes; but they won't say "yes" so that if it does not come +off one can't say that they haven't kept their word. Father really lets +me do anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my piano +regularly perhaps she'll let me go. I must go for a walk. + +July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for one +must keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . . + +July 23rd. It's awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to write +the room had to be cleaned and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had +not written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all my pages blew +away. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it's better because then one +does not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another to +throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One can +tell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn't. Yesterday +when I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, saying +What do you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted +to bag the front veranda all for herself. She's too sickening. + +Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Father +was awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It was +jolly. I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She let +out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn't feel it _there_. As she +went by she said Pig! It doesn't matter, for I know she understood me +and that what I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes +about every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother was +out of sorts and stayed at home. + +July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: You +children have Sundays every day. That's quite true in the holidays, but +not at other times. The peasants and their wives and children are all +very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in the +theatre. We are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made a +great cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down upon +some fallen cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I must +wear my pink dress. All the better, for I don't care to be dressed +exactly the same as Dora. I don't see why everyone should know that +we are sisters. Let people think we are cousins. She does not like it +either; I wish I knew why. + +Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older than +Dora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds it +dull without me; so do I. + +July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying at +Achensee. I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and then +go for a walk. But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. I +forgot to bring my paint-box and I'm not allowed to read all day. Mother +says, if you gobble all your books up now you'll have nothing left to +read. That's quite true, but I can't even go and swing. + +Afternoon. I must write some more. I've had a frightful row with Dora. +She says I've been fiddling with her things. It's all because she's so +untidy. As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she left her +letter to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He's as +handsome as a Greek god. I don't know who "he" was for she came in at +that moment. It's probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastingly +playing tennis and carries on like anything. As for handsome--well, +there's no accounting for tastes. + +July 26th. It's a good thing I brought my dolls' portmanteau. Mother +said: You'll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I'm much too +old to play with dolls, but even though I'm 11 I can make dolls' +clothes still. One learns something while one is doing it, and when I've +finished something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and I +was tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo, +the child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she had +never played with dolls. Besides, I don't really play with dolls any +longer. When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made a +great scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I'm so sorry, but you came too +close. I hope she'll know why I really did it. Of course she'll go and +sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She's got +a fine red scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see. + +July 27th. There's such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries and +gooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite for +dinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why should +it be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likes +anything awfully much one is always scolded about it until one gets +perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother, +and then her mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children and +they reward us with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrifices +they make. I think it's the children who make the sacrifices. When I +want to eat gooseberries and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_ +not _Mother's_. I've written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl has +written to me. The address on her letter to me was splendid, "Fraulein +Grete Lainer, Lyzealschulerin." Of course Dora had to know better than +anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from the fourth +upwards (because she is in the fourth) they write "Lyzeistin." She said: +"Anyhow, in the holidays, before a girl has attended the first class +she's not a Lyzealschulerin at all." Then Father chipped in, saying that +_we_ (_I_ didn't begin it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; he +really could not stand it. He's quite right, but what he said won't do +any good, for Dora will go on just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote that +she was _delighted_ that I had written. As soon as I have time she wants +me to write to her again. Great Scott, I've always time for _her_. I +shall write to her again this evening after supper, so as not to keep +her waiting. + +July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived, +and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it +rained all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round games +and we played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora. +Robert is already more than a head taller than we are, I mean than +Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carried +my cloak which Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me home +after supper. + +To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother has +made strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing. + +July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasol +with a flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a huge +postcard album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gave +me a beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-cream +cake for dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thing +in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert had +written on his: With deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious +to have a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me a +wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots out +of its mouth instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one +can't be quite sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says I +was born under a lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top. + +July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached over +Consequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the things +we did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed, +hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn't do +_that!_ quarrelled. That won't happen, it's quite impossible! Then we +drank my health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drink +it in wine but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble was +this. She always gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me and +yesterday I was certainly first fiddle. + +Now I must write a word about to-day. We've had a splendid time. We +were in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wild +strawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the great +annoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I would +rather pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for one +for _love_ (that's what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have them +picked for one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them to +Father and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in Flischberg +I had to sit beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother +says she is _anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don't +quite know what it means. Dora is always saying that she is anemic, +but of course that is not true. And Father always says "Don't talk such +stuff, you're as fit as a fiddle." That puts her in such a wax. Last +year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor said, she was always having +palpitation and had to take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that's +where Dora got the idea. + +August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told her +that I had spent the whole day with the W's. Still, she is really my +only friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in the +country she has another friend too, but that doesn't put me out. I can't +understand why she doesn't like Robert; she doesn't know anything about +him except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good. +Of course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she +met him once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeing +them once. Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I was +with the Warths all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caught +me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn't count, for +I had let myself be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a +perfect nuisance, she spoils everyone's pleasure. He's quite right, but +there's some one else just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Dora +about the kiss. If she has everyone will know and I shouldn't like that. +I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robert +and Liesel and I ate the rest. They were so good and nearly all large +ones. At first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but I said he +must only have a big one. After that he always picked out the big ones. +When I came home in the evening with the empty box Father laughed and +said: There's nothing mean about our Gretel. Besides, Mother still has +a great box full; I have no idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I +expect so. + +August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He's a great swell now; +he's begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to the +hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awful +bore, but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his new +tourist getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love to +all. I've never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets and +Oswald grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is always +smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we'll +go to the inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. It +seems to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and I +have a good report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twos +and Threes and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, but +I have nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Father +laughed heartily and said something I could not understand. I don't +think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knows +nearly all languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn't talk +them unless he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station when +Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. When +Robert pretends to speak Czech it's screamingly funny. + +August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowed +to bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and +he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positively +yell. To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular +noodle. I said, that's not true, boys can never stand one another. +Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much better +than Dora who always says "the children" when she is talking of me and +of Hella and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a goose +as Erna. He's quite right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke, +that it is so vulgar, that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about +Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he will never grow a +beard but will shave every day and his wife will have to put everything +straight to him. But a beard suits Father and I can't imagine him +without a beard. I know I won't marry a man without a beard. + +August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set off +yesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after +us: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. I +think it means in a hundred years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she +likes, we shan't. Mother scolded her like anything and said she mustn't +say such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we always +talk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean. + +August 6th. Hella can't come here, for she is going to Klausenburg with +her mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there or +whatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of a +district judge I think of District Judge T., such a hideous man. What +a nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into the +marriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I would +much sooner not marry at all, besides she's awfully unhappy. + +August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald told +Father that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not stand +it. Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn't play tennis any +more. What upset her more than anything was that Father said in front of +me: This little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love to +her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn't eat anything +at supper because she had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her +headaches. But I really can't see why I shouldn't go and play tennis. + +August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn't the student's fault at all but +only Dora's. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on the +Southern Railway. Still, they won't let me play tennis any more, though +I begged and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it would +do no good for Father was very angry and I mustn't spend whole days +with the Warths any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was a +whole day there. When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner at +least. What have I got to do with Dora's love affairs? It's really too +absurd. But grown-ups are always like that. When one person has done +anything the others have to pay for it too. + +August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged and +begged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induce +her to ask! That's the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has been +playing the invalid lately, won't bathe, and stays at home when she can +instead of going for walks. I should like to know what's the matter with +her. What I can't make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother, +she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother's favourite, especially when +Oswald is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite of +Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says that parents have no +favourites, but treat all their children alike. That's true enough as +far as Father is concerned, although Dora declares that Father makes a +favourite of me; but that's only her fancy. At Christmas and other times +we always get the same sort of presents, and that's the real test. +Rosa Plank always gets at least three times as much as the rest of the +family, that's what it is to be a favourite. + +August 12th. I can't write every day for I spend most of my time +with the Warths. Oswald can't stand Robert, he says he is a cad and +a greenhorn. What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven't spoken to +Oswald except when I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel about +it, they said that brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said, +I should like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to his +sisters. They said, Yes before you, because he's on his best behaviour +with you. Yesterday we laughed like anything when he told us what fun +the boys make of their masters. That story about the cigarette ends +was screamingly funny. They have a society called T. Au. M., that is +in Latin Be Silent or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the +society's secrets, and when they make a new member he has to strip off +all his clothes and lie down naked and every one spits on his chest and +rubs it and says: Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go to +the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three cuts with a cane and +he has to swear that he will never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes +a cigar and touches him with the lighted end on the arm or somewhere +and says: Every act of treachery will burn you like that. And then the +eldest, who has a special name which I can't remember, tattoos on him +the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a heart with the name of +a girl. Robert says that if he had known me sooner he would have chosen +"Gretchen." I asked him what name he had tattooed on him, but he said +he was not allowed to tell. I shall tell Oswald to look when they +are bathing and to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters +frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to play on them +is elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction and the +others must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot more +which he couldn't tell me because it's too tremendous. Then I had to +swear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wanted +me to take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn't do that and he nearly +forced me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and a +kiss. I didn't mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing +would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for we +were quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and tried +to force me to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me when +we were quite alone for he said: I can't have your name tattooed on me +because it's against our laws to have two names but now that you have +sworn I can let you know what I really am and think in secret. + +I couldn't sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society, +wondering whether there are such societies in the high school and +whether Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it +would be horrible to have to strip naked before all one's schoolfellows. +Perhaps in the societies of the high-school girls that part is left +out. But I shouldn't like to say for sure whether I'd have Robert's name +tattooed on me. + +August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboy +societies where they do very improper things, but that never happened in +their society. But he didn't say what. I said, the stripping naked seems +to me awful; but he said, Oh, that's nothing, that must happen if +we're to trust one another, it's all right as long as there's nothing +improper. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows about +it, and whether he is in such a society or in a proper one and whether +Father was in one. If I could only find out. But I can't ask, for if I +did I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left +wrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to +be silent. But he needn't do that really, for I never would betray him +whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he says +that his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really grey +and they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye, +it frightens me. I'm always dreaming of him. + +August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the +emperor's birthday. We didn't get home until half past twelve. At first +we went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired +salutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops; +it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once +or twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something would happen or +why it was. Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into +the army. For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning now +is of no use to him. He says that doesn't matter, that knowledge will +give him a great pull. I don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald says +so to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the +others and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once +more about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improper +things. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would not rob me of my +innocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn't +know himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was that +anyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn't stand it any +longer. And once one of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightful +convulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. And +since then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. Shall +I tickle you a little? I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow you +daren't. + +He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under the +arm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there +were still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled my +hand. I liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my hand +away. Just then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly they +had passed us we followed close behind as if we had been walking like +that all the time. It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she always +wants us all to keep together. As we went along R. said: Look out, +Gretel, I'm going to tickle you some day until you scream.--How absurd, +I won't have it, it takes two to do that. + +By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag of +sweets and R. won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. +Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makes +one look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself such +a lot. + +August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages +30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else on +the Louisenhohe. It's positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them. +And I don't know exactly what there was on those pages. I was born +to ill luck. If I hadn't promised Hella to write my diary every day I +should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get hold +of it, or even Father. And it's raining so fearfully to-day that I can't +even go into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all not +alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn't write +anything yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyone +were to find it. I am so much upset that I couldn't eat anything at +dinner, although we had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I'm so +unhappy for Father was quite anxious and Mother too and they both +asked what was the matter with me and I nearly burst out crying before +everyone. We had dinner in the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away +for 2 days. But I couldn't cry in the room before Father and Mother for +that would have given the show away. My only hope is that no one will +recognise my writing, for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary, +first of all so that no one may recognise our writing and secondly +because upright writing doesn't use up so much paper as ordinary +writing. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the +garden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day so that I +didn't even get cross when Inspee said: "Have you been quarrelling with +your future husband?" + +August 30th. It's not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go to +Louisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what I +was so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn't +keep it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must have +lost something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it was +Hella's letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worse +than that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that's not such a terrible +loss, and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for there +are all sorts of things written in it about R. and his society. Look +here, Gretel, said Mother, I don't like this way you talk about R.; I +really don't like you to spend all your time with the Warths; they're +really not our sort and R. is not a fit companion for you; now that +you are going to the high school you are not a little girl any longer. +Promise me that you'll not be eternally with the Warths.--All right, +Mother, I will break it off gradually so that nobody will notice. She +burst out laughing and kissed me on both cheeks and promised me to +say nothing to Inspee about the diary for she needn't know everything. +Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and perhaps the pages are still +there. + +Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages all +pulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in the +footpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of +his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. So +no one had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: I +say, why are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prize +in the lottery? and I pressed Mother's foot with mine to remind her not +to give me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to me +there's a conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a great +hurry: Luckily we're not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone +laughed and now thank goodness it's all over. Live and learn. I won't +let that happen again. + +August 31st. Really I'm not so much with the W's and with R. I think +he's offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized me +by the wrist and said: Your father is right, you're a witch. "You need +a castigation." How rude of him. Besides, I didn't know what castigation +meant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up the +word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it. +What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it is +really horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone +already and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business. +I don't like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn't say that +R. wanted to give me a castigation when I didn't know what it meant. +Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in a +lie for her lies are so obvious. I'm never caught. It only happened once +when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for he +said: You little rogue, you tarradiddler! + +September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak to +R. again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had really +fallen out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before we +have to start from home. I can't make out how it all happened. It was +frightful cheek of him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a +kick. I think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared to +say: After all I'm well paid out, for what can one expect when one keeps +company with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from him +when he's not 14 himself yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 and +he seems to be one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything but +Satisfactory in his reports, and he's not in the fifth yet, but only in +the fourth. Anyhow, we've settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall +never tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope my last +secret from Hella. + +September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have been +awfully dull. I saw R. once or twice but I always looked the other way. +Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R., so that +our great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, for +it was absolutely _impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found +fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That's quite +true, he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you'll make it up +when you say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I'll never +speak a word to him again. + +For her birthday, although it's not come yet, Dora is to have a navy +blue silk dustcloak. I don't think the colour suits her, and anyhow +she's much too thin to wear a dustcloak. + +September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She looks +splendid and she says I do too. I'm so glad that she's back. After all I +told her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have given +him 2 more; one for the tickling and one for the "baby" and one for the +"young monkey." If we should happen to meet him, shan't we just glare at +him. + +September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think the +tartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn't say so, but only that +the cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five times +already. I don't know whether Father really wants to treat her as a +grown-up lady or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he's only +making fun. She doesn't really look like a grown-up lady. How could +she when she's not 14 yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls were +invited, and of course Hella was invited on my account and we had a +grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully about the country where +they _said_ they had been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I +care about. + +September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreed +to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I'm frightfully +curious. + +September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and we +went along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in +front of her. We don't want her as governess. There are 34 of us in the +class. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and +I think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German and +writing. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech, +then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them till +Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is for +games, the short ones to go out. I usen't to go out at the elementary +school and now I don't need to. Mother always says that it's only a +bad habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the room +during lesson time. To-day we hadn't any proper lessons. They are to +begin to-morrow, but we don't know what. Then we came home. + +September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography and +history, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, but +she could not stand her, she's so ugly. Father was angry and said to +Inspee: You silly goose, don't fill her head with such stuff. Show +what you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from every +mistress and every master if one likes. But I can't say, we're really +fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don't much care for geography and +history. Besides I'm not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. +Mallburg is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M. +for short. When she laughs she has two dimples and a gold stopping. She +is new at the school. I don't know if we are to have singing too. In +French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully dressed, black lace. +Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; it's quite soft, we must have it +soft so that it shan't make a row when it falls down during lesson time. +I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, I don't know exactly. To-day +lessons went on until 12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion +for Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited for me, for the Herr +Pastor did not come. + +September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but we +were wrong. Hella's mother said, that's what happens when the chicks +think themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to our +house and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don't go there, for it's +so dull, they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons. +My music lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixed +up. Perhaps on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B., she told me to +write myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather have +had Hella's music mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think she +charges more. At least she wouldn't always be holding me up "Fraulein +Dora" as a model. We are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In the +evening Inspee was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock and +she simply howled over it. She said she had not, but I heard her and she +could hardly speak. She says she had a cold, liar. + +September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors' time-table, but it +won't work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly when +they can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, but +since there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we are +going to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or +10 sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what we +have written in class. I've written mine already. But I've not said +anything about Robert. He's not worth thinking about anyhow. I did not +even tell Hella everything. + +September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said, +very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: And +is that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent her +holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, very +good. Then the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge +with us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervals +we were quite alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up the +time-table. A pupil-teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She +sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor. + +September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time in +natural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in the +face. And in French Madame A. said that my accent was the best. We've +got an awful lot on and I don't know whether I shall be able to write +every day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel and +the Weinmann girl said Nikel. + +September 30th. I've had simply no time to write. Hella hasn't written +anything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert in +Schottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn't be so stuck up, he said +as he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I would +have given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper. + +October 1st. I can't write, Oswald has come from S., he has sprained his +ankle, but I'm not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully pale +and doesn't say a word about the pain. + +October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor's birthday. Yesterday Resi +told me something horrid. Oswald can't go back to S. He has been up +to something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. He +always stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in the +country. Or perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspee +pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn't true, for she +doesn't know any more than I do. Father is furious and Mother's eyes are +all red with crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only find +out what he's done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Dora +and I heard what he said: You young scamp (then there was something we +couldn't understand) and then he said, you attend to your school books +and leave the girls and the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. +And Dora said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell me, he is my +brother as well as yours. But she said: "You wouldn't understand. It's +not suitable for such young ears." Fancy that, it's suitable for her +ears, but not mine though she's not quite three years older than I am, +but because she no longer wears a short skirt she gives herself the airs +of a grown-up _lady_. Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of +jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can't speak. Whenever +I see her do this, I make a point of speaking to her so that she has to +answer. She does get in such a wax. + +October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That's how babies come. And +_that_ is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply +won't marry. For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully +and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wish +I knew exactly how, Hella says she doesn't know exactly herself. But +perhaps her cousin who knows everything about it will tell her. It +lasts nine months till the baby comes and then a lot of women die. It's +horrible. Hella has known it for a long time but she didn't like to tell +me. A girl told her last summer in the country. She wanted to talk about +it to Lizzi her sister, really she only wanted to ask if it was all true +and Lizzi ran off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said And her +mother said; "These children are awful, a corrupt generation, don't you +dare to repeat it to any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance," and +she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help it! That is why she +didn't write to me for such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now +she can tell me all about it and we won't betray one another. And that +deceitful cat Inspee has known all about it for ages and has never told +me. But I don't understand why that time at the swing Robert said: You +little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows. +When I go to the gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first +and ask her about it. My goodness how curious I am to know. + +October 10th. I'm in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lesson +yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella's and without meaning it I was so +late I did not dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her +that we would say that our sum was so difficult that we had not got it +finished in time. Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothing +about it at home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr S's. I +thought that I knew all about it but only now has Hella really told me +everything. It's a horrible business this . . . I really can't write it. +She says that of course Inspee has it already, had it when I wrote +that Inspee wouldn't bathe, did not want to bathe; really she had it. +Whatever happens one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of blood_ +says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . That's why in the +country Inspee always switched off the light before she was quite +undressed, so that I couldn't see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins at +14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says that Berta Franke in our +class knows all about it. In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do +you know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, of course I've known +it for a long time. Berta waited for her after class when the Catholics +were having their religion lesson and they went home together. I +remember quite well that I was very angry, for they're not chums. On +Tuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in class +saying that I knew _everything_ and she needn't bother about me. Inspee +suspects something, she's always spying about and sneering, perhaps she +thinks that she's the only person who ought to know anything. + +October 16th. To-morrow is Father's and Dora's birthday. Every year it +annoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father; +What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, as +Father always says, it's a mere chance. Besides, I don't think he really +likes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day, +not to share it with someone else. And it's always nasty to be stuck up +about a thing like that. Besides, it's not going to be a real birthday +because of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stay +away from the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. to see about +Oswald going there. + +October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All the +Bruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald only +that he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that's not +true) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. said: The best +thing for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps him +in order. In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella's +father said, for you can be expelled from a military academy just as +easily as from the Gymnasium. That's what happened to Edgar Groller. +Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have been +expelled, and we believed you had sprained your ankle. Then he got in +an awful wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I've gone and blabbed it +all now, and he went away slamming the door, for Mother wasn't there. + +October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It must +have been something with a girl. But we can't think what Father meant +about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to the +head master or to the school committee and that's how it all came out. I +feel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself if +everything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don't care now. +But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word, +except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends that +he wants to read, but it's absurd, for with such a love trouble one +can't really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but only +that my brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he is +back in Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shot +himself because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was because +of an actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already. + +October 20th. We spend most of our time now with Berta Franke. She says +she has had a tremendous lot of experience, but she can't tell us yet +because we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. Perhaps she +is afraid we shall give her away. She wants to marry when she is 16 at +latest. That's in 2 years. Of course she won't have finished school by +then, but she will have left the third class. She has three admirers, +but she has not yet made up her mind which to choose. Hella says I +mustn't believe all this, that the story about the three admirers at +once is certainly a cram. + +October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one is dark under the eyes one +has it and that when one gets a baby then one doesn't have it any more +until one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, but I didn't +really believe what she said, for I thought she did not know herself +exactly. Then she got very cross and said: "All right, I won't tell you +any more. If I don't know myself." But I can't believe what she said +about husband and wife. She said it must happen every night, for if not +they don't have a baby; if they miss a single night they don't have a +baby. That's why they have their beds so close together. People call +them _marriage beds!!!_ And it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly +bear it. But one has to for a husband can make his wife do it. I should +like to know how he can make her. But I didn't dare to ask for I was +afraid she would think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, but +very seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, she is an awfully nice +girl, perhaps Mother will let me invite her here next Sunday. + +October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. Mother cried such a lot. +When Oswald was leaving I whispered to him: I know what's the matter +with you. But he did not understand me for he said: Silly duffer. +Perhaps he only said that because of Father who was looking on with a +fearful scowl. + +October 27th. Everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday I got +unsatisfactory in history, and in arithmetic to-day I couldn't get a +single sum right. I'm frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic +lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the money to-morrow, for +if she goes herself she will certainly find out about it. + +October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present at our French lesson +and said awfully nice things about me. She said I was good enough in +French to be in the Third and then she asked me whether I was as good in +the other subjects. I didn't want to say either Yes or No, and all the +other girls said Yes, she's good at everything. The head patted me on +the shoulder and said: I'm glad to hear that. When she had gone I cried +like anything and Madame Arnau asked: Why, what's the matter? and the +other girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but she can +really do her sums awfully well. Then Madame said: "You'll soon wipe off +that Unsatisfactory." + +October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother with Fraulein Vischer in +the history lesson. Yesterday when I got into the tram with Mother there +was Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother shouldn't see her +and so that she should not tell Mother about me. When she came in to-day +she said: Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what she meant +and said "I did bow to you in the tram but you didn't see me." "That's a +fine thing to do, first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by +telling a lie. Sit down!" I felt awful for all the girls looked at me. +In the 11 interval Berta Franke said to me: Don't worry, she's got her +knife into you and will always find something to complain of. She must +have spoken to Frau Doktor M., for in the German lesson the subject for +viva voce composition was Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me +again. She didn't say anything more. She's a perfect angel, my darling +E. M., her name is Elisabeth; but she does not keep her name-day because +she's a Protestant; that's an awful shame because November 19th is +coming soon. + +October 31st. I've been so lucky. Nothing's come out about the gymnastic +lesson though Mother was there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day +I got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and she said: Why, L. +what was the matter with you in your sums the other day, for you're so +good at arithmetic? I didn't know what to do so I said: Oh I had such a +headache the other day. Then Berta Franke nearly burst out laughing, +it was horrid of her; I don't think she's quite to be trusted; I think +she's rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she said she had laughed +because "headache" means something quite different. + +November 1st. To-day we began to work at the tablecloth for Father's +Christmas present. Of course Inspee bagged the right side because that's +easier to work at and I had to take the left side and then one has +the whole caboodle on one's hand. For Mother I'm making an embroidered +leather book cover, embroidered with silk and with a painted design; +I can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H.'s lesson, she's +awfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor M. best of all. I'm _not_ going +to invite Berta Franke because of the way she laughed yesterday, and +besides Mother doesn't like having strange girls to the house. November +2nd. I don't know all about things yet. Hella knows a lot more. We said +we were going to go over our natural history lesson together and we went +in to the drawing-room, and there she told me a lot more. Then Mali, +our new servant, came in, and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a +hospital because she's ill. Mali told us that all the Jews when they +are quite little have to go through a very dangerous operation; it hurts +frightfully and that's why they are so cruel. It's done so that they can +have more children; but only little boys, not little girls. It's horrid, +and I should not like to marry a Jew. Then we asked Mali whether it is +true that it hurts so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can't be +so bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn't find everyone doing it. +Then Hella asked her: But have you done it already, you haven't got a +husband? She said: Go on, Miss! One mustn't ask such questions it's not +ladylike. We were in an awful funk, and begged her not to tell Mother. +She promised not to. + +November 5th. Everything has come out through that stupid waist band. +Yesterday when I was tidying my drawers Mali came in to make the beds +and saw my fringed waistband. "I say, she said, that is pretty!" You +can have it if you like, I said, for I've given up wearing it. At dinner +yesterday I noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I blushed +all over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, did you give Mali that +waistband? Yes, I said, she asked me for it. She came in at that moment +to clear away and said: "No, I never asked for it, Fraulein Grete gave +it to me herself." I don't know what happened after that, I'd gone back +to my room when Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction one +gets out of one's children. Mali has told me the sort of things you and +Hella talk about. I ran straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali: +How could you tell such tales of us? It was you who chipped in when we +were talking. It was frightfully mean of you. In the evening _she_ must +needs go and complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything +and said: You're a fine lot, you children, I must say. You are not to +see so much of Hella now, do you understand? + +November 6th. A fine thing this, that I'm a silly fool now. When I gave +Hella a nudge so that she should not go on talking before Mali, she +laughed and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about it, probably +a great deal more than we do. It was only after that that Mali told us +about the Jews. Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now +that I know what I am, a silly fool. And that's what one's best friend +calls one! + +November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. We walk together, but +we only talk of everyday things, school and lessons, nothing else. We +went skating to-day for the first time and we shall go whenever we have +time, which is not very often. Mother is working at the table cloth. +It's very hard work but she has not got as much to do as we have. + +November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady skating to-day, and +she skates so beautifully, inside and outside edge and figures of 8. I +skated along behind her. When she went to the cloak room there was such +a lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to be married soon and whether +_she_ knows all about everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back +the hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as pretty as she +is. But I am dark and she is fair. I wish I could find out her name and +where she lives. I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons in the +evening. + +November 9th. I'm so upset; _she_ didn't come to skate. I'm afraid she +may be ill. + +November 10th. She didn't come to-day either. I waited two hours, but it +was no good. + +November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh how pretty she is. + +November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was standing near the entrance +gate and suddenly I heard some one laughing behind me and I knew +directly: That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: Shall we skate +together? Please, if I may, said I, and we went off together crossing +arms. My heart was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, +but couldn't think of anything sensible to say. When we came back to the +entrance a gentleman stood there and took off his hat and she bowed, and +she said to me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow? +Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were +to-morrow already. + +November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is Anastasia Klastoschek. +I'm sure it can't be true that she has such a name, she might be called +Eugenie or Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why are there +such horrid names? Fancy if she is really called that. Klastoschek, +too, a Czech name, and she is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26 +already; 26, absurd, she's 18 at most. I'm sure she's not so much as +18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, and that she doesn't think her +particularly pretty. Of course that's rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one +pretty except herself. + +November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, her name really is +Anastasia Klastoschek and she lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman +didn't know how old she is. She would not tell me at first but asked why +I wanted to know and who had sent me to enquire. She wouldn't look into +the book until I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted to +know. Then she looked, for I knew the number of the cloak room locker: +36, a lovely number, I like it so much. I don't really know why, but +when I hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a squirrel +jumping about in the wood. + +November 20th. It's really impossible to write every day. Mother is ill +in bed and the doctor comes every day, but I don't really know what's +the matter with her. I'm not sure whether the doctor knows exactly. +When Mother is ill everything at home is so uncomfortable and she always +says: Whatever you do don't get ill, for it's such a nuisance. But +I don't mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, for then +everyone's so nice, when Father comes home he comes and sits by my bed +and even _Dora_ is rather nice and does things for me; that is she _has_ +to. Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did everything +I could for her, she nearly died, her temperature went up to 107 and +Mother was sick with crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when +a man cries. When there was all that row about Oswald he cried, I think +Father had given him a box on the ear. He said he hadn't but I think +he had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn't. After all, why +shouldn't he for he's not really grown up yet. I cry myself when I get +frightfully annoyed. Still I shouldn't cry for a box on the ear. + +November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel Schrotter who is the +Herr Catechist's favourite, no we've got to call him Herr Professor, +as she is the Herr Professor's favourite, well she went to him with the +Bible and asked him what _with child_ meant. That's what they say of +Mary in the Bible. The Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the +other girls egged her on till she went and asked. The Herr Professor got +quite red and said: If you don't know yet it does not matter. We shall +come to that later, we're still in the Old Testament. I was so glad +that Hella does not sit next me in the religion lesson, because she's +a Protestant; we should certainly have both burst out laughing. Some +of the girls giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to Lisel: +You're a good girl, don't bother about the others. But Lisel positively +howled. I would not have asked, even if I hadn't really known. _With +child_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn't mean anything really; only if +one knows. + +November 22nd. When I was coming away from the religion lesson with +Berta Franke the other day, of course we began talking about _it_. She +says that's why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could not +believe that people marry only for _that_. Lots of people marry and then +have no children. That's all right said Berta, but it's quite true what +I tell you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can't write it +all down. It is too horrid, but I shan't forget. When I was sitting +on Mother's bed to-day I suddenly realised that Father's bed is really +quite close to Mother's. I had never thought about it before. But it's +not really necessary now for we are all quite big. Still I suppose +they've just left things as they were. Well dear, said Mother, what are +you looking round so for? Of course I didn't let on, but said: I was +only looking round and thinking that if your bed was where the washstand +is you could see to read better when you are lying in bed. That would +not do because the wall's all wrong said Mother. I said nothing more and +she didn't either. I like much better to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, +because I like to snuggle up against the back. I'm so glad Mother +didn't notice anything. One has to be so frightfully careful not to give +oneself away when one knows everything. + +November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely story; it is called +_A True Heart_ and is about a girl whose betrothed has had to leave her +because he has shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains true +to him till he comes back after 10 years and then they marry. It's +simply splendid and frightfully sad at first. I do love these library +books, but when we were at the elementary school I knew all the books +they had and the mistress never knew what to give me and Hella. In the +high school we get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor says we +have plenty of work to do, and that when we are not at work we ought to +be out in the fresh air. I can't manage to go skating every day. I do +love the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for I hate her real +name. Inspee declares that they call her Stasi for short, but I don't +believe that; most likely they call her Anna, but that's so common. +Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at school I'm known as +Rita. It's only at home that they will call me Gretl. The other day I +said to Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must call me Rita; +and anyhow I won't let you call me Gretl, that's what they call a little +girl or a peasant girl. She said: I don't care tuppence what _you_ call +me. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end of time. + +November 27th. Father has been made Appeal Court Judge. He is awfully +glad and so is Mother. The news came yesterday evening. Now he can +become President of the Supreme Court, not directly, but in a few years. +We shall probably move to a larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother +that she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she would not be +_disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs her, I suppose I do? Much more +like she disturbs me, always watching while I'm writing my diary. Hella +always says: "There really ought not to be any elder sisters;" she's +jolly well right. It's a pity we can't alter things. Mother says we are +really too big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don't see why one should ever +be too big for that. Last year Inspee got something from St. Nicholas +when she was 13 and I'm not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and sweets +and dates and that sort of thing, not proper presents. The girls want to +give the Frau Doktor a great Krampus * to leave it on her desk. I think +that's silly. It's not a proper present for a teacher one is really fond +of, one doesn't want to waste sweets on a teacher one doesn't like, and +to give an empty Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and a +Krampus is only suitable for children. + + * Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves + St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children + An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present + on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas + season.--Translators' Note. + +December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff a Krampus, each of +us is to subscribe a crown, I hope Father will give me the crown extra. +Perhaps he'll give us more pocket money now, at least another crown, +that would be splendid. We are going to give big Krampuses to the ones +we like best, and: small ones to those we are not so fond of. We're +afraid to give one to Professor J. But if he doesn't get one perhaps +he'll be offended. + +December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses for the staff. The one for +Frau Doktor M. is the finest. When you open it the first thing you see +is little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales written on the +backs, and then underneath these are the sweets. That's exactly suited +for her, for the Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in German +they are reading these poets. Last month in the Fourth they had a +Schiller festival and Frau Doktor made a splendid speech and some of +the girls gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an awful poem by +Schiller. There you can read: if only I could catch her in the bath, she +would cry for mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a man. And +then in another place: "To my mate in God's likeness I can show _that_ +which is the source of life." But you can only find that in the _large_ +editions of Schiller. I believe we've got some books of that sort in +our bookcase, for when Inspee was rummaging there the other day Mother +called from the next room: "Dora, what are you hunting for in the +bookcase? I can tell you where it is." And she said: Oh, it's nothing, I +was just looking for something, and shut the door quickly. + +December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have made such a muddle +about the Krampuses for the staff. The money didn't come out right and +Keller said that Markus had taken some but Markus said not taken only +kept. Of course Markus complained to Frau Doktor and her father went to +the head and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite well that +collections are not allowed and that we must not give any one a Krampus. +Now Keller has the five Krampuses and we don't know what to do about it. +Mother says that sort of thing never turns out well but always ends in a +quarrel. + +December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella and I and Edith Bergler have +taken the Krampus which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on her +doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for she comes by there +every day on her way to school. I wonder if she'll guess where the +Krampus comes from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such a +nice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful because she wears +spectacles. But now I'm quite certain she is not deceitful, so one sees +how easy it is to make a mistake. To-morrow's our German lesson. + +December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything at first. Then she gave +out the subject for the essay: "Why once I could not go to sleep at +night." The girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said: +Now girls that's not so very difficult. One person cannot go to sleep +because he's just going to be ill, another because he is excited by joy +or fear. Another has an uneasy conscience because he has done something +which he has been forbidden to do; have not all of you experienced +something of the kind? Then she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler +and us two. She did not say anything more, so we don't really know if +she suspects. I couldn't go to the ice carnival yesterday because I +had such a bad cough, and Dora couldn't go either because she had a +headache; I don't know whether it was a real headache or _that kind_ of +headache; but I expect it was that kind. + +December 17th. I haven't managed to write anything for a whole week. +The day before yesterday we had our Christmas reports: In history I had +satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything else very good. In +diligence because of that stupid Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very +angry; he says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That's true enough, +but if one has satisfactory in anything then one can't get a 1 for +diligence. Inspee of course had only 1's, except a 2 in English. But +then she's a frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, but +we can't any of us bear her, she's so frantically conceited and Berta +Franke says she's _not to be trusted_. Berta walks to school with her +cousin who's in the seventh; she's nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. She +didn't say what sort of a report she had, but I believe it was a very +bad one. + +December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because she found a little +chicken in her egg, not really a chicken yet, but one could make out +the wings and the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. Still, +I really can't see what there was to faint about. Afterwards she said it +had made her feel quite creepy. And she'll never be able to eat another +egg. At first Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but then he +laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! She had to go and lie down +at once and I stayed downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our +room she was reading, that is I saw the light through the crack in the +door; but when I opened the door it was all dark and when I asked: Ah so +you're still reading she didn't answer and she pretended to wake up when +I switched on the light and said: What's the matter? I can't stand such +humbug so I said: Shut up, you know quite well it's 9 o-clock. That's +all. On our way to school to-day we didn't Speak a word to one another. +Luckily after awhile we met a girl belonging to her class. + +December 19th. I'm frightfully excited to know what I'm going to get for +Christmas. What I've wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, +and velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates because mine are +always working loose, _German_ sagas, not Greek; no thank you, hair +ribbons, openwork stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one +Hella got for a birthday present. But Father says that our Christ Child +would find that rather too expensive. Inspee wants a corset. But I don't +think she'll get one because it's unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father +is finished and is being trimmed, but Mother's book cover is not quite +ready yet. I'm giving Dora a little manicure case. Oh, and I'd nearly +forgotten what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in which to +keep my diary. Dora wants some openwork stockings too and three books. A +frightful thing happened to me the other day. I left one of the pages +of my diary lying about or lost one somehow or other. When I came home +Inspee said: "you've lost _this_, haven't you? School notes I suppose?" +I didn't notice what it was for a moment, but then I saw by the look +of it and said: Yes, those are school notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not +exactly that are they? You can thank your stars that I've not shown them +to Mother. Besides people who can't spell yet really ought not to keep +diaries. It's not suitable for children. I was in a wax. In the closet +I took a squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was only _wenn_ +with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ with short _ss's_, that's +all. I was jolly glad that there was nothing about _her_ on the page. +She'd underlined the _n_ and the short _ss's_ with red, just as if she +was a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would be to have a book +with a lock to it, which one could alway keep locked, then no one could +read any of it and underline one's mistakes in red. I often write so +fast that it's easy to make a slip now and again. As if she never made a +mistake. The whole thing made me furious. But I can't say anything about +it because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but no, if I say +nothing at all then she always gets more waxy than ever. If I were to +say much about it Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in the +country and I'd rather not thank you. + +December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She's going to stay with us for a +time till Mother is quite well again. I didn't remember her at all, for +I was only four or five when she went away from Vienna. You dear little +black beetle she said to me and gave me a kiss. I didn't like the +_black_ much, but Hella says that suits me, that it's _piquant_. +_Piquant_ is what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, Father +says she is a beauty, and she's dark like me. But I'd rather be fair, +fair with brown eyes or better still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a +beauty? Oh I do hope I shall! + +December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to-morrow. I wonder what +I shall get? Now I must go and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said: +Hullo, is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She's never done it +before! I should like to know why not. But Aunt Dora took my side. "Of +course she'll help decorate too; but please don't stuff yourselves +with sweets." "If Dora doesn't eat anything I shan't either," said I +promptly. + +Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. The holidays are from the +23rd to January 2nd. It's glorious. I shall be able to go skating every +day. Of course I had no time to-day and shan't have to--morrow. I wonder +whether I should send the Gold Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had a +prettier name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All Czech names +are so ugly. Father knows a Count Wilczek, but a still worse name is +Schafgotsch. Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called Schafgotsch +or Wilczek even if he were a count and a millionaire. Yesterday we +paid our respects to the staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor +because she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody wanted to go to +Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say Nikel, for when he has respects paid +to him he always says: "Aw ri'." But it would have been rude to leave +him out and so the monitors had to go. When Christmas was drawing near +Frau Doktor told us that we were none of us to give presents to the +staff. "I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, for if you +do not there will only be trouble. You remember what happened on St. +Nicholas' day. And you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, +nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one's doorstep." As she +said this she looked hard at me and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left +the Krampus. I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Hurrah, to-morrow +is Christmas Eve!!! + +December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. One does not know what +to be at. I'm not allowed to go skating so the best thing is to write. +Oswald came home yesterday. Everyone says he's looking splendid; I think +he's awfully pale and he snorted when everyone said he had such a fine +colour; of course, how can he look well when he has such a _heartache_. +I wish I could tell him that I understand what he feels, but he's too +proud to accept sympathy from me. He has wished for an army revolver for +Christmas, but I don't think he'll get one for boys at the middle school +are not allowed to have any firearms. Not long ago at a Gymnasium in +Galicia one of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said it was +because the boy was getting on badly with his work, but really it was +about a girl, although the master was 36 years old. This morg. I was +in town with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli and . . . Robert. +Oswald said that Elli was quite nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly +beast. Besides, he can't stand him he said, because he glared at me so. +If only he knew what happened in the summer! I was awfully condescending +to Robert and that made him furious. If one could only save you girls +from all the troubles which the world calls "Love," said Oswald on the +way home. I was just going to say "I know that you're unhappy in love +and I can feel for you," when Inspee came round the corner of the +Bognergasse with her chum and 2 officers were following them, so none +of them saw us. "Great Scott, Frieda's full-fledged now," said Oswald, +"she's a little tart." I can't stand that sort of vulgarity so I did +not say another word all the way home. He noticed and said to Mother: +"Gretl's mouth has been frozen up from envy." That's all. But it was +really disgusting of him and now I know what line to take. + +Just a moment for a word or two. The whole Christmas Eve has gone to +pot. A commissionaire came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. +I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one of those 2 officers? +Of course Inspee says she has not the ghost of an idea. What surprises +me is that Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: I say, what +a lark! But Father was down on him like anything, "You hold your jaw +and think of your own beastly conduct." I didn't envy him; I don't think +much of Dora's looks myself, but apparently she pleases _someone_. In +the bouquet there was a poem and Dora got hold of it quickly before +Father had seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: One for +whom you have made Christmas beautiful! The heading is: "The Magic +Season." I think Dora's splendid not to give herself away; even to me +she declares she does not know who sent it; but of course that may be +all humbug. I think it really comes from young Perathoner, with whom +she's always skating. + +December 28th. I've had absolutely no time to write. I got everything I +wanted. Aunt Dora gave both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in +a plush case. We are going to all the school performances, Father's +arranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the performances during the +school year 19-- to 19--. I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will come +too. I do hope I shall sit next to her. + +December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through all I have written, but I +could not manage it but in the new year I really must write every day. + +January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences at least. For the +afternoon we had been invited to the Rydberg's the Warths were there and +Edle von Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel but I would +not say a word to R. They left before us, and then Heddy asked me what +was wrong between me and R. He had said of me: Any one can have the +_black goose for me_. Then he said that any one could take me in. I was +so stupid that I would believe anything. I can't think what he meant, +for he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would not let _him_ +spoil new year's day for me. But Hella is quite right for if the +first person one meets on January 1st is a common person that's a bad +beginning. The first thing this morning when I went out I met our old +postman who's always so grumpy if he's kept waiting at the door. +I looked the other way directly and across the street a fine young +gentleman was passing, but it was no good for the common postman had +really been the first. + +January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn't go skating any more because +Inspee has begun to complain again of her silly old ears and Mother +imagines that she got her earache last year skating. It's all right to +keep _her_ at home; but why shouldn't _I_ go? How can _I_ help it when +_she_ gets a chill so easily? In most things Father is justice itself, +but I really can't understand him this time. It's simply absurd, only +it's too miserable to call it absurd. I'm in a perfect fury. Still, I +don't say anything. + +February 12th. I have not written for a whole month, I've been working +so hard. To-day we got our reports. Although I've been working so +frightfully hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau Doktor M. made +a splendid speech and said: As you sow, so you shall reap. But that's +not always true. In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but +I got a 1, and in History I only did not know my lesson once and I got +Satisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein V. does not like me because of that time +when I did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, when +Mother asked about me, she said: "She does not really put her back +into her work." I overheard Father say: After all she's only a kid, but +to-day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. He might have +known why she gave me that. Dora, _so she says_, has only ones, but +she has not shown me the report. I don't believe what I don't see. And +Mother never gives her away to me. + +February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald has an Unsatisfactory in +Greek. Greek is really no use; for no one uses Greek, except the people +who live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he is going to be +a judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora learns Latin; but not for me thank +you. Hella's report is not particularly good and her father was in a +_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better report than any one +else. She does not bother much and says: One can't have everything. But +if she doesn't get nothing but ones in the summer term she is not +to stay at the high school and will have to go to the middle school. +That'll make her sit up. Father's awfully funny too: What have you got +history books for, if you don't read them? Yesterday when I was reading +my album of stories, Father came in and said: You like a story book +better than a history book, and shut the book up and took it away from +me. I was in such a temper that I went to bed at 7 o'clock without any +supper. + +February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She spoke to me and asked +why I did not come skating any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the +24th was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe it, a year ago my +_sister_ had an earache, and _for that reason_ they won't allow +_either_ of us to skate this year. She laughed like anything and said so +exquisitely: Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly ravishing: +A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with fur, sable I believe, and a huge +brown beaver hat with crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and +mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always going about with +her. Next autumn, when we get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur +trimmed red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. Hella and Lizzi +are never dressed alike. + +March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta Franker she's utterly +false. I've such a frightful headache because I cried all through +the lesson. She wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A +_Verhaltnis_ ** means something quite different. Just at that moment the +mistress looked across and said: To whom were you nodding? She said: To +Lainer. Because she laughed at the word "Verhaltnis." It was not true. +I had not thought about the word at all. It wasn't till I had read the +note that it occurred to Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After the +lesson Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers' room and told +Frau Doktor M. that Franke and I had laughed at the use of the word +"Verhaltnis." Frau Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did you +not just do your sums? Fraulein St. said: You ought to be ashamed of +yourselves, young girls in the first class shouldn't know anything about +such things. I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German lesson +Frau Doktor M. told us to write an essay on the proverb: Pure the +heart and true the word, clear the brow and free the eye, these are our +safeguards, or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it for +me, for I was crying all through the lesson. + + ** The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson + means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in + Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.--Translators' Note. + +March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk things out with us; but +Hella and I told her we would not speak to her again. We told her to +remember _what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it all +already. We shouldn't be such humbugs. It was mean of her. Really we +didn't know anything and _she_ told us all about it. Hella has told +me again and again she wished we didn't know anything. She says she's +always afraid of giving herself away and that she often thinks about +that sort of thing when she ought to be learning her lessons. So do +I. And one often dreams about such things at night when one has been +talking about them in the afternoon. Still, it's better to know all +about it. + +March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, first of all our +lessons take such a lot of time, and second because I don't care about +it any more since what Father said the other day. The last time I wrote +was on Saturday afternoon, and Father came in and said: Come along +children, we'll go to Schonbrunn. That will do you more good than +scribbling diaries which you only go and lose when you've written them. +So Mother told Father all about it in the holidays. I couldn't have +believed it of Mother for I begged her to promise not to tell anyone. +And she said: One doesn't promise about a thing like that; but I won't +tell anyone. And now she must have told about it, although she said she +wouldn't. Even Franke's deceitfulness was nothing to that for after all +we've only known her since last autumn, but I could never have believed +that Mother would do such a thing. I told Hella when we were having tea +at the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust her mother, +she'd rather trust her father. But if that had happened to _her_, her +father would have boxed her ears with the diary. I did not want to show +anything, but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a little kiss. And +she said, what's the matter, dear? has anything happened? Then I could +not keep it in and I cried like anything and said: You've betrayed me. +And Mother said: "I?" Yes, you; you told Father about the diary though +you promised me you wouldn't. At first Mother didn't remember anything +about it, but soon she remembered and said: "But, little one, I tell +Father everything. All you meant was that Dora was not to know." That's +quite true, it's all right that Dora wasn't told; but still Father need +not have been told either. And Mother was awfully sweet and nice and I +didn't go to bed till 10 o'clock. But whatever happens I shan't tell +her anything again and I don't care about the old diary any more. Hella +says: Don't be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; but another time +I should be careful not to lose anything, and besides I should not blab +everything to Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her mother +anything since that time in the summer when her mother gave her a box on +the ear because that other girl had told her all about everything. It's +quite true, Hella is right, I'm just a child still in the way I run to +Mother and tell her everything. And it's not nice of Father to tease me +about my diary; I suppose he never kept one himself. + +March 27th. Hurrah we're going to Hainfeld for Easter; I am so +delighted. Mother has a friend there whose husband is doctor there, so +she has to live there all the year round. Last year in the winter she +and Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were bad. Ada is +really nearly as old as Dora, but Dora said, like her cheek: "Her +intellectual level makes her much more suitable company for you than for +me." Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They have 2 boys, +but I don't know them very well for they are only 8 and 9. Mother's +friend was in an asylum once, for she went off her head when her 2 year +old baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have been more than 2 +years ago when Father and Mother were always talking of poor Anna who +had lost her child within 3 days. And I believed she had really lost it, +and once I asked whether they had found it yet. I thought it had been +lost in the forest, because there's such a great forest at Hainfeld. And +since then I can't bear to hear people say lost when they mean dead, for +it is so difficult to know which they really mean. + +On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin and we shall go on +the 11th, on Maundy Thursday. + +April 6th. I don't know what to do about writing my diary. I don't want +to take it with me and as for remembering everything and writing it down +afterwards I know quite well I should never do that. Hella says I should +only jot it down in outline, that's what Frau Doktor M. always says, and +write it out properly after I come back from Hainfeld. That's what she +does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I've never seen the sea. +Hella says there's nothing so wonderful about it. She's been there four +times. Anyway she does not think so much of it as most people do. So it +can't be anything so frightfully grand. Rather stupid I dare say. + +April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a darling but the two boys +are awfully vulgar. Ernstl said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the +a---- if you don't give me my pistol directly. Ada is as tall as her +mother. Their speech is rather countrified Even the doctor's. He drinks +a frightful lot of beer; quarts I believe. + +April 14th. Father came to-day. He's awfully fond of the doctor. They +kissed one another. It did make me laugh. In the morning we were in +the forest; but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but a +tremendous lot of hellebores quite red. + +April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. We did not go into the +church for Mother was afraid that the smell of incense and boots would +make Dora feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon we are going +to Ramsau, it's lovely there. + +April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go home to-morrow. At +Whitsuntide Ada's mother is going to bring her to be confirmed. They +are all coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the bank of the +Ramsau. It was awful. But the doctor pulled me out and then we did all +laugh so when we saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily I +was able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should have sunk right in. + +April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni Islands. She is +frightfully sunburned. I don't like that, so I shall _never_ go to the +_south_. Hella says that if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one's +honeymoon in the south. That would not suit me, I should just put off my +marriage till the summer. + +Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish priest makes a +tremendous fuss because she's not confirmed yet. Her mother is going to +bring her to be confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed because +Father and Mother don't want to be bothered with it. Still I should like +to be confirmed, for then one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask for +something else at Christmas. + +April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful just now. The school +inspector is coming soon. It's always very disagreeable. Mme A. says: +The inspection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it's horrid +for the pupils too first of all because we get blamed at the time +and secondly because the staff makes such a frightful row about it +afterwards. Dora says that a bad inspection can make one's report 2 +degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that I have not yet written +why Oswald did not come home at Easter. _Although his reports were not +at all good_, he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma's at Pola, because this +year Richard comes home for the holidays for the last time. After that +he's going away for three years in the steamship "Ozean" to the East or +Turkey or Persia, I don't quite know where. If Oswald likes he can go +into the Navy too in two years. + +May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first of all in natural +history, thank goodness I wasn't in for it that time, and then in +German; I was in that, reading and in the table of contents of the +Wandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through all right. + +May 14th. It's Mother's birthday to-day. We've had simply no time to +work anything for her, so we got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed +table, the switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made of brass. +She was so pleased with it. Yesterday Frau v. R. was here. She's a +friend of Mother's and of Hella's mother. I should like to have music +lessons from Frau v. R., she gives lessons since her husband who was a +major died though she is quite well off. + +May 15th. That must have been true about the inspection; in the interval +to-day Professor Igel-Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, +he will go on coming all through the week and then we shall be all right +for this year. _We_, of course that means the staff. But really the +staff can't help it if the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it's +all the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when the inspection is +over. The staff is always quite different when the inspector is there, +some are better, some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel +quite ill with anxiety. + +May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger came from Hainfeld with +Ada and the two boys for the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came +too and in the evening they all went home again. Ada is very pretty, but +she looks countrified. I'm not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to +wait 3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was a very fine day. +Dora did not come; only Mother and I and Ada and her mother. The +women who were selling white favours all thought that I was one of the +candidates because I wore a white dress too. Ada was rather put out +about it. On Saturday we were in town in the morning and afternoon +because Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday morning we +went to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon they went home. The watch they +gave to Ada was a lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for a +locket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that on Sunday she had a +frightful headache. Because she is not used to town noises. + +May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but not everything. I told her +a few things. In H. last winter a girl drowned herself because she was +going to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her mother told her +a little, but not everything. Ada once saw a bitch having her pups, but +she didn't tell her mother about it; she thought that her mother might +be very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog belonged to their +next door neighbour and she happened to see it in the out-house. Ada +is expecting _it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every +grown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will have one as soon as she +is 14; she knows who it will be. + +June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about the confirmation and +she wrote to me as well. It is strange that she did not make friends +with Dora but with me. I think that Dora won't talk about _those_ +things, at least only with her friends in the high school, especially +with Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada made friends with me, though I am 2 +years younger. She is really an awfully nice girl. + +June 19th. One thing after another goes missing in our class, first +it was Fleischer's galoshes, then my new gloves, three times money was +missing, and today Fraulein Steiner's new vanity bag. There was a great +enquiry. But nothing was found out. We all think it is Schmolka. But +no one will tell. To-day we could none of us attend to our lessons +especially when Sch. left the room at half past 11. + +June 20th. In our closet the school servant found some beads on the +floor but since she did not know anything she threw them into the +dustbin. Was it really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is +frightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the vanity bag for a +birthday present and his photo was in it. But I'm really sorry for +Sch. Nobody will speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She is +frightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. Hella thinks too +that perhaps she didn't do it, for she is one of Frl. St.'s favourites +and she is very fond of her herself. She always carries the copybooks +home for her. + +June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when the porter came to see +what was the matter he found the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. +now; she can't possibly use it any more. We giggled all through lessons +whenever we caught one another's eye and the staff was in a frightful +rage. Only Frau Doktor M. said: "Now please get through with your +laughing over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have done with +it." + +June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. Verbenowitsch was +collecting the German copybooks and when Sch. wanted to hand up her +copybook she said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won't have +anything to do with (then there was a long pause) you. We were all +apalled and Sch. went as white as a sheet. At 10 o'clock she begged +permission to leave the room because she felt bad. I'm sure her mother +will come to speak about it to-morrow. + +June 24th. Sch.'s mother did not come after all. Verbenowitsch said: +Of course not! Sch. did not come either. Hella says she couldn't stand +anything like that, she would rather drown herself. I don't know, one +wants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. Still, I should tell Father +so that he could speak about it at school. Franke said: Yes, that's +all very well, because _you_ didn't do it; but _if_ one had done it one +would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, Sch.'s father is an +invalid, he's quite paralysed, has been bedridden for two years and +can't speak. + +June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with Frau Doktor M. Really she +always goes home alone but Hella suddenly left me and went up to +Frau Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau Doktor for +bothering you in the street, we _must_ speak to you. She got quite red. +Then Frau Doktor said: "What's the matter?" And Hella said: "Isn't it +possible to find out who took the vanity bag? If it wasn't Sch. the +way the other girls treat her will make her quite ill, and if it was we +can't stand having her among us any longer." Hella was really splendid +and Frau Doktor M. made us tell her everything that had happened, +including about Verbenowitsch and the copybooks; and we saw quite +clearly she had tears in her eyes and she said: "The poor child! +Children I promise I will do what I can for her." We both kissed her +hand and my heart beat furiously. And Hella said: "You are an angel." I +could never have managed to say a thing like that. + +June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau Doktor M. did not +say anything. Hella and I kept on looking at her and Hella cleared her +throat three times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing your +throat; it will only make your sore throat worse: But it seemed to me +her eyes twinkled as she said it. So she hasn't forgotten. I wanted to +speak to Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the Frau Doktor +a chance. She's taken the matter in hand. To-morrow before 9 we'll walk +up and down in front of her house till she comes out. + +June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and to-day Frau Doktor's +first lesson began at 11. But she has already had a talk with Sch. only +we don't know when and where; certainly it was not in the interval and +she did not send for Sch. during lessons. + +July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her She _is_ such a dear. +Children, she said, this is such a painful matter, and it is difficult +to find a way out. Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she +did it or not these days are burning themselves into her soul and Hella +asked: "Please, Frau Doktor advise us what to do, speak to her or not?" +Then she said: Children I think that after this affair she won't come +back to us next year; you will be doing a good work if you make these +last days bearable to her. You were never intimate with her, but to give +her a friendly word or two will do you no harm and may help her. You 2 +have a high standing in the class; your example will do good. We walked +with her till we reached the school, and because we were there we could +not kiss her hand but Hella said out loud: How sweet you are! She must +have heard it. But Sch. was not at school. Father says he's glad that +the term is nearly over, for I have been quite crazy about this affair. +Still, he thinks that Hella and I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. +But Dora said: Yes that's all right but you must not go too far. + +July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow we are to get our +reports. + +July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and Verbenowitsch because +we shan't see Frau Doktor M. any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2 +in History and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. Franke says: +Anyone who is not in Professor Igel-Nigl's good books can find out that +he's cranky and stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quite +pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella has three twos. +Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father has given each of us a 2 crown piece, +we can blow it, he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. + +July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, its jolly, I'm awfully +pleased; but not until the 20th because Father can't get away till +then and Mother won't leave Father so long alone. It is only a few days +anyhow. It's a pity Hella's gone already, she left early this morning +for Parsch near Salzburg, what a horrid name and Hella too doesn't like +saying it; I can't think how anyone can give a place such a nasty name. +They have rented a house. + +July 12th. It's shockingly dull. Nearly every day I have a quarrel +with Dora because she's so conceited Oswald came home yesterday. He's +fearfully smart nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head +shorter, but then Father's tremendously tall. And his voice is quite +deep, it was not before. And he has parted his hair on one side, it +suits him very well. He says his moustache is growing already but it +isn't; one could see it if it were; five hairs don't make a moustache. + +July 19th. Thank goodness we're going at last the day after to-morrow. +Father wanted Mother to go away with us earlier, but she would not. It +would have been nicer if she had. + +July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from the Hs. Ada and I spend +the whole day together. There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora's +here, one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky Oswald says that +Hainfeld bores him to death and that he shall get a friend to invite him +somewhere. Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays here. +His name for Ada is: "Country Simplicity." If he only knew how much she +knows. Rosa T. he calls a "Pimple Complex" because she has two or three +pimples. Oswald has some fault to find with every girl he comes across. +He says of Dora: She is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and +has cold hands, and he says of me: You can't say anything about her yet: +"_She_ is still nothing but an unripe embryo." Thank goodness I know +from the natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little frog; "I +got in a frightful wax and Father said: Don't you worry, he's still a +long way from being a man or he would be more polite to his sisters and +their lady friends." This annoyed him frightfully, and since then he +never says a word when Ada and Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming +soon, thank goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and I shall +be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to-day for the second time. In +August she is going to Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a great +estate and she will learn to ride there. + + + + +SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN + + +SECOND YEAR + +August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. We drove to Glashutte +where it is lovely; there we cooked our own dinner in the inn for the +landlady was ill and so was the cook. On one's birthday everyone +is always so nice to one. What I like most of all is the Ebeseder +paint-box, and the book too. But I never have any time to read. Hella +sent me a lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund with two +puppies, simply sweet. When I go home I shall hang it up near the door +over the bookcase. Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for me +herself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can't use it because I prefer +to write upon loose sheets. Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a +great piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; she didn't know +marzipan before. + +August 9th. When it's not holidays Ada goes to school in St. Polten +staying there with her aunt and uncle, because the school in H. is +not so good as the school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to +Vienna, for she has finished with the middle school and has to go on +learning. But she has no near relations in Vienna where she could stay. +She might come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself as +she always wants, and Ada and I could share a room. I would much rather +share a room with her than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. + +August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always get what he wants. +Oswald is really going for a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum; +only Oswald of course. I should like to see what would happen if Dora +or I wanted to go anywhere. A boy has a fine time. It's the injustice of +the thing which makes me furious. For we know for certain that he's had +a _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us anything about it. But +of course that doesn't matter. They throw every 2 in our teeth and when +he gets several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. His chum +too; he only got to know Max Rozny this year and he's a chum already. +Hella and I have been chums since we were in the second in the +elementary school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went to the +High School. We both gave him a piece of our mind about friendship. He +laughed scornfully and said: That's all right, the friendships of _men_ +become closer as the years pass, but the friendships of you girls go +up in smoke as soon as the first admirer turns up. What cheek. Whatever +happens Hella and I shall stick to one another till we're married, for +we want to be married on the same day. Naturally she will probably +get engaged before me but she _must_ wait for me before she's married. +That's simply her duty as a friend. + +August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we had another scene just +before he left because he wanted one of us to go with him to the station +and help carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada wanted +to volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her a nudge and luckily she +understood directly. Sometimes, but only sometimes, when Dora gets in +a wax she is rather like Hella. She thinks it's better that Oswald has +gone away because otherwise there are always rows. That's because she +always comes off second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. And +when he wants to make her really angry he says something to her in Latin +which she can't understand. I think that's the real reason why she's +learning Latin. I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing +like that. I really wouldn't bother. + +August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, a silver-wire +watchchain; I made it in four days. I hope she'll get it safely, one can +never be sure in Hungary. + +August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with Japanese lanterns and fir +garlands. The people who have received birthday honours are illuminating +and decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada told me a _few +things_. She knows more than Hella and me, because her father is a +doctor. He tells her mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of +things though they generally stop talking when she comes in. Ada would +like awfully to be an actress. I never thought of such a thing though +I've been to the theatre often. + +August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the chain; she is wearing it. +She is really learning to ride at her cousin's. It's a pity he's called +Lajos. But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully nice and +smart, but it's a pity he's 22 already. + +August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. She has often been +to the theatre in St. Polten and she is in love with an actor with whom +all the ladies in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants to be an +actress and so that she can live _free and unfettered_. That is why she +would like so much to come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live +with us. She says she is pining away in H. for it's a dull hole. She +says she can't stand these _cramping conditions_. In St. Polten she +spent all her pocket money upon flowers for _him_. She always said that +she had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things for school. That's +where she's lucky not to be at home, for I could not easily take in +Mother like that. It would not work. One always has too little pocket +money anyhow, and when one lives at home one's parents know just what +copybooks one has. I should like to go away from home for a few months. +Ada says it is very good for one, for then one learns to know the world; +at home, she says, one only grows _musty_ and _fusty_. When she talks +like that she really looks like an actress and she certainly has talent; +her German master at school says so too. She can recite long poems and +the girls are always asking the master to let her recite. + +August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel's poem, The Death of Tiberius, it +was splendid; she is a born actress and it's a horrid shame she can't go +on the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she says she's going +on the stage; I expect she will get her way somehow. + +August 31st. Oswald's having a fine long fortnight; he's still there +and can stay till September 4th!! If it had been Dora or me. There would +have been a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. Ada says: +We girls must take for ourselves what the world won't give us of its own +free will. + +September 5th. In the forest the other day I promised Ada to ask Mother +to let her come and stay with us so that she could be trained for the +stage. I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out of the +question. Ada's parents simply could not afford it. If she has talent, +the thing comes of itself and she need only go to a school of Dramatic +Art so that she could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So I +don't see why it should be so frightfully expensive. I'm awfully sorry +for Ada. + +September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. I've got to pack up my +diary because we're going home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I +can. There have been some gypsies here for three days, and yesterday one +of the women came into the garden through the back gate and looked at +our hands and told our fortunes, mine and Ada's and Dora's. Of course we +don't believe it, but she told Ada that she would have a great but short +career after many difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she +made a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness awaits me when I am +_as old again as I am now_; a great passion and great wealth. Of course +that must mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How absurd! Dora says +that I look much younger than 12 so that she meant 20 or even 18. But +that's just as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so many +girls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that it's impossible that +the old gypsy woman could have thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora's +fortune was that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and then +happiness. And she told Ada that her line of life was broken!! + +September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, Father kissed him on +both cheeks and said: For God's sake be a good chap this last year at +school. He has to matriculate this year, it's frightfully difficult. But +he says that anyone who has cheek enough can get through all right. He +says that cheek is often more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. +I know he's right; but unfortunately at the moment it never occurs to +me what I ought to do. I often think afterwards, you ought to have said +this or that. Hella is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she's +not particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. If only half +of what Oswald says he says to the professors is true, then I can't +understand why he is not expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald +says: If one only puts it in the right way no one can say anything. But +that doesn't hold always. + +September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. That's why I'm writing in +the morning, because she's coming here in the afternoon. I'm awfully +glad. I have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the kind Hella +and I are both so fond of. + +September 20th. Only a word or two. School began again to-day. Thank +goodness Frau Doktor M. still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her +doctor's degree at the end of the school year. In history we have a new +Frau Doktor, but we don't know her name yet. The Vischer woman has been +_married_ in the holidays!!! It's enough to make one split with laughing +that anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora says she wouldn't like to be her +husband; but most likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles +in a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez for one does not +wear them all the time. But spectacles! Dora says too that she can't +understand how a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella often +says it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer glares at her through her +spectacles. We have a new natural history professor. I'm awfully glad +that three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that we have one +or really 2 professors, for we have the Religionsprofessor too. In the +Third they are frightfully annoyed because only one of their mistresses +has a doctor's degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three professors. + +September 25th. All the girls are madly in love with Professor Wilke the +natural history professor. Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the +way home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his head nearly +touches the lamp when he stands up quickly, and a splendid fair beard +like fire when the sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but +no one knows what it means and who we are talking about. + +September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because of Frl. St.'s +vanity bag. Two other girls have left and three new one's have come, but +neither I nor Hella like them. + +October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History to-day I worked +frightfully hard and _He_ was splendid. We are to look after the +pictures and the animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and I +always wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in the Nat. Hist. lesson +we always put tissue paper of the same colour on the desk. He wants us +to keep notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound ours in lilac +paper, exactly the same shade as his necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we +have to come to school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how happy +I am. + +October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic master, splendid! This +is how we found it out. We, Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe +Sick because he always has his afternoon coffee there. And on Thursday +when we passed by there before the gymnastic lesson there was the +gymnastic master sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as we +passed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar said to us: So you two are +tormented and pestered by my cousin in natural history? "Pestered" we +said, o no, it's the most delightful lesson in the whole week. "Is that +so?" said he, "I won't forget to let him know." Of course we begged and +prayed him not to give us away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope +he will. + +October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner's mother is dead. We are so sorry for +her. Some of us are going to the funeral, I mayn't go, Mother says it +is not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I wonder if _He_ +will go? I'm sure he will, for really he _has_ to. + +October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully pale. Franke says she +will certainly get married soon now that both her parents are dead. Her +fiance often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for her in L. +Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of course, because he's an +officer. I don't think much of him myself, he's too short and too fat. +He's only a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband should be +nearly a head taller than his wife, or at least half a head taller, like +our Father and Mother. + +October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of work to do that we're not +taking season tickets this winter, but are going to pay each time when +we go skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and where. Hella +thinks that with great caution we might find out from his cousin during +the gymnastic lesson. They are often together in the Cafe. I should +like to know what they talk about, they are always laughing such a lot, +especially when we go by. + +October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is _awfully_ unhappy. She is +back in St. P., in a continuation school. But the actor is not there any +more. She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains which lie heavy +on her soul. Poor darling. No one can help her. That is, her Mother +could help her but she won't. It must be awful. Hella thinks that her +parents will not allow her to go on the stage until she has tried to do +herself a mischief; then things may be better. It's quite true, what can +her mother be thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy Ada is. +After all, why on earth shouldn't she go on the stage when she has so +much talent? All her mistresses and masters at the middle school praised +her reciting tremendously and one of them said in so many words that she +had _great dramatic talent_. Masters don't flatter one; except . . .; +first of all _He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and +secondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others When he strokes +his beard I become quite hot and cold with extasy. And the way he lifts +up his coat tails as he sits down. It's lovely, I do want to kiss him. +Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his desk so that _he_ +can hallow it with his hand as he writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic +lesson when I write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks back +at me and we both know what the other is thinking of. + +November 15th. It's a holiday to-day so at last I can write once more. +We have such a frightful lot to do that I simply can't manage to write. +Besides Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for the last 4 +days. It's awfully dull and dreary. Of course I had time to write those +days, but then I didn't want to write. As soon as Mother is well again +she's going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on I'm awfully glad +because of S.G. + +November 28th. Mother came to school to-day and saw him too. I took +her to him and he was heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your +daughter; she's very keen and clever. Then he turned over the pages of +his notebook as if to look at his notes. But really he knows by heart +how we all work. That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossible +with so many girls; and he teaches in the science school as well where +there are even more boys than we are. + +December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold Fairy. She is awfully +pretty, but I really don't think her so lovely as I did last year. Hella +says she never could think what had happened to my eyes. "You were madly +in love with her and you never noticed that she has a typical Bohemian +nose," said Hella. Of course that's not true, but now my taste is _quite +different_. Still, I said how d'you do to her and she was very +nice. When she speaks she is really charming, and I do love her gold +stoppings. Frau Doktor M. has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. + +December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her silly jokes to herself. When +the Trobisch's were all here to-day they were talking about the school +and she said: "Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; last year it +was Frau Doktor Malburg and this year it's Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor +Malburg has fallen from grace now." If I had wanted to I could have +begun about the two students on the ice. But I'm not like that so I +merely looked at her with contempt and gave her a kick under the table. +And she had the cheek to say: "What's the matter? Oh, of course these +tender secrets of the heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, +it does not matter at your age, for things don't cut deep." But she was +rightly paid out: Frau von Tr. and Father roared with laughter and Frau +v. Tr. said: "Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your white hair +in the glass?" Oh, how I did laugh, and she was so frightfully put out +that she blushed like fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ that +I was an ill-mannered pig. That's why I did not tell her that she'd left +her composition book on the table and to-morrow she has to give it in. +It's all the same to _me_, for I'm an ill-mannered pig. + +December 9th. It's awful. At 2 o'clock this afternoon Hella was taken to +the Low sanatorium and was operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother +has just telephoned that the operation has been successful. But the +doctors said that 2 hours later it would have been too late. My knees +are trembling and my hand shakes as I write. She has not slept off the +anisthetic yet. + +December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one can see her except her +father and mother, not even Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a +jolly time and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves +sick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis from that. On Monday +evening, when we were going home after the gym lesson, she said she +did not feel at all well. The night before last she had a rigor and the +first thing in the morning the doctor said that she must go to hospital +at once for an operation. + +December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully excited about +Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was awfully nice and put off mathematics till +next Tuesday. On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does want to see me +so and so do I want to see her. + +December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn't care about anything; I +got her mother to take some roses and violets from me, she did like them +so much. + +December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella from two until a quarter +to 4. She is so pale and when I came in we both cried such a lot. I +brought her some more flowers and I told her directly that when he sees +me Prof. W. always asks after her. So do the other members of the staff +especially Frau Doktor M. The girls want to visit her but her mother +won't let them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite different, +like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she said: We can never be +strangers to one another, not even in death. Then I burst out crying +again and both our mothers said I must go away because it was too +exciting for Hella. + +December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. She passed me a little +note asking me to get from her locker the parcel with the blotting-book +for her father and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her +because the things are not ready yet for Christmas. + +December 16th. Hella's better to-day. I've got to paint the +blotting-book for her father. Thank goodness I can. She'll be able to +finish the key basket herself, that's nothing. + +December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully unhappy for it won't +be a real Christmas if Hella has to stay in hospital over Christmas. +But perhaps she will for since yesterday she has not been so well, the +doctors can't make out why she suddenly had fever once more. For she +didn't let on that I had brought her some burnt almonds because she's +so awfully fond of them. But now I'm so terribly frightened that she'll +have to have another operation. + +December 19th. Directly after school I went to see Hella again for I +had been so anxious I could not sleep all night. Thank goodness she's +better. One of the doctors said that if she'd been in a private house +he would have felt sure it was an error in diet, but since she was in +hospital that could be excluded. So it was from the burnt almonds and +the two sticks of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for +they were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts lie heavy on +the stomach. She had a pain already while I was still there, but she +wouldn't say anything about it because it was her fault that I'd brought +her the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, I shan't bring her +anything but flowers, and they can't make her ill. Of course it would be +different if it were true about the "Vengeance of Flowers." But that's +all nonsense, and besides I don't bring any strong-scented flowers. + +December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday Hella can come home, +in time for the Christmas tree. Now I know what to give her, a long +chair, Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself but Father +will give me as much as I want. Oh there's no one like Father! To-morrow +he's going to take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. + +December 21st. I was only a very short time with Hella to-day because +Father came to fetch me soon. At first she was a little hurt, but then +she saw that we had important business so she said: All right as long as +it is not anything made of marzipan. That nearly gave us both away. For +when we were in the street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that about +marzipan? So I said quickly: Since she's been ill she has a perfect +loathing for sweets. Thank goodness Father didn't notice anything. But +I do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all I always feel that +he'll see through it, and secondly anyhow I don't like telling fibs to +him. The couch is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the +round bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, but I said: No, +then it would not be my present, and so I paid five crowns and Father +37. To-morrow early it will be sent to the Bruckners. + +December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. She has already been up +a little, but she is still so weak that she has to lean on someone when +she walks. She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says in a +hospital one always feels as if one was going to die. She's quite +right. The first time I went to see her I nearly burst out crying on the +stairs. And afterwards we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother +knows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. I do hope they +won't forget about it at the shop. + +December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her father carried her upstairs +while I held her hand. The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to +congratulate her and the old privy councillor on the second story and +his wife sent down a great pot of lilac. She was so tired that I came +away at 5 o'clock so that she could rest. To-morrow I'm going to their +Christmas tree first and then to ours. Because of Hella the Br's are +going to have the present giving at 5 o'clock, we shall have ours as +usual at 7. + +December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I simply could not write +a word. It was lovely here and at Hella's. I shan't write down all the +things I got, because I've no time, and besides I know anyhow. Hella was +awfully pleased with the couch, her father carried her into the room and +laid her on the sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It's certainly +awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, when everyone takes care +of one, and when no one denies you the first place. I don't grudge it +to Hella. She's such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, and after +dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: Open the drawer of my +writing-table, the lowest one on the right, and you'll find my diary +there if you want to read it. I shall never forget it! It's true that we +agreed we would let one another read our diaries, but we've never done +it yet; after all we're a little shy of one another, and besides after +a long time one can't remember exactly what one has written. What she +writes is always quite short, never more than half a page, but what she +writes is always important. Of course she couldn't sleep but instead +I had to read her a lot of things out of her diary, especially the +holidays when she was in Hungary. She was made much of there. By two +cadets and her two cousins. We laughed so madly over some things that it +hurt Hella's wound and I had to stop reading. + +December 29th. We were put in such a frightful rage yesterday. This is +how it happened. It is a long time since we both gave up playing with +dolls and things of that sort but when I was rummaging in Hella's box I +came across the dolls' things; they were quite at the bottom where Hella +never looked at them. I took out the little Paris model and she said: +Give it here and bring all the things that belong to it. I arranged them +all on her bed and we were trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and +Dora came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful look and said: +Ah, at their favourite occupation: look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite +red with excitement over their play. Wasn't it impertinent. We playing +with dolls! Even if we had been, what business was it of hers to make +fun of us? Hella was in a frightful rage and to-day she said: "One is +never safe from spies; please put all those things away in the box +so that I shan't see them any more." It really is too stupid that +one should always be reproached about dolls as if it was something +disgraceful. After all, one doesn't really understand until later how +all the things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more when one is +quite a little girl and one first gets dolls, one does not understand +whether they are pretty and nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we've +done with dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, for the +day after to-morrow is New Year's Day. + +But what annoys me most of all was this piece of cheek of Dora's; she +says that Lizzi said: "We used to delight in those things at one time," +but I was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to eat all the best +things off the Christmas tree on the sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ is +nothing. _That's_ quite fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper +yesterday I asked: But what's become of the second marzipan sandwich, +I'm sure there were two on the tree. And I looked at her steadily till +she got quite red. And after a time I said: the big basket of vegetables +is gone too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don't need to ask your +permission. As for the sandwich, Oswald took that. I was in such a +temper, and then Father said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your +wrath with the second sandwich and wash it down with a sip of liqueur. +For Grandfather sent Father a bottle of liqueur. + +December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. I've no interest in +the school any longer. We're silly little fools, love-sick and forward +minxes. That's all the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday +and Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange everything and dust +everything and then he can say a thing like that. I shall never write +_he_ with a big h again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow +it all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite Hella. It made me +frightfully angry when Mother told me, but still I'm glad for I know +what line to take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and the sister +of our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- High School, happened to +be there, and she told Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed +because the girls in the high school are so forward. Such silly little +fools, and the little minxes begin it already in the First Class. _For +that reason he prefers to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but they +don't make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, now that I know +_I_ shant make myself a nuisance to him any more. On Friday, when the +next lesson is, I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the +things into the class-room without saying a word. And I shall tell +Kalinsky too that we're such an _infernal nuisance_ to him. Just fancy, +as if _we_ were in the First Class! + +January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. makes me perfectly +furious. Hella kept on asking yesterday what was the matter, said I +seemed different somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep it in. +I must keep it in for the sake of her health, even if it makes me ill. +Anyway what use is life now. Since people are so falsehearted. He always +looked so awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way in which +he asked how Hella was and all the time he was so false!!! If Hella only +knew. Aha, to-morrow! + +January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked at the +door--Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what do we want for the lesson +to-day? He very civilly: Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of +a Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as usual.--He turned round +and stared at me: It does not seem to have been; to judge from your +manner. --I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He may +well say O-o-h! For he has not the least idea that I know the way in +which he speaks of us. + +January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She's +much better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month. +I _must_ tell her before that or she'll get a shock. Yesterday she +asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?--Oh yes, I fibbed, but not +so often as before. And she said: That's the way it goes, out of sight +out of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan't +tell her until she's quite strong. + +January 10th. I've had to tell Hella already. She was talking so +enthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said: +What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange the +things any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of course I'm _allowed_, but I don't +_want_ to any more. I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; for +I really _was_ madly in love with him. + +January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rather +must be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upset +that her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had pains +and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she's got over it like +me. She said to-day: Don't let's bother ourselves about it any more. We +wasted our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such moments +she is magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides in +the holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. +Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller than +me. Dora is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is. +Thank goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2. + +Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is going +to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks. + +January 18th. It's horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise, +since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again. +Her mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginning +of February. + +January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she went +away, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She's awfully nice, +though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sit +together. For it's horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a good +deal already. She would not talk about it at first because it so often +leads to trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He's rather a +swell and is called Paul. + +January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowed +to go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, +one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 other +girls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he's going into the army, the +flying corps. That's even more select than being on the general staff. +Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to the +military academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is to +choose for himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boys +want to be what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into the +Navy. I wish I knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: Good +God, I'm not doing it on my own account. I'm only doing it because of +Oswald. The two girls won't get much out of it. + +February 3rd. I've just been reading what I wrote about Father. I am +wondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win the +great prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Dora +and I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswald +only. + +February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn't +know; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us. +But it must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in the +evening that I had asked. I can't endure these secrets. Why shouldn't +we know that Father's going to buy a house. Fritzi's grandfather has a +house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressed +and her mother too. + +February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming back to-morrow, just before +her birthday. Luckily she can eat everything again so I am giving her a +huge bag of Viktor Schmid's sweets with a silver sugar tongs. Mother and +I are going to meet Hella at the station. They are coming by the 8.20. + +February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming to-day. I nearly could not +meet her because Mother is not very well to-day. But Father's going to +take me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow afternoon, but +she can't. She's an awfully nice girl and her brother is too, but on the +first day Hella is back we must be alone together. She said so too in +the last letter she wrote me. She's been away more than 3 weeks. It's a +frightfully long time when you are fond of one another. + +February 15th. I simply can't write my diary because Hella and I spend +all our free time together. Yesterday we got our reports. Of course +Hella has not got one. Except in Geography and History I have nothing +but Ones, even in Natural History although since New Year I have not +done any work in that subject. I detest Natural History. When Hella +comes back to school we are going to ask the _sometime_ S. G. to relieve +us from the labours of looking after the things. Hella is still too +weak to do it. Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going to +be wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but she's lovely +already. She's been burned as brown as a berry by the warm southern sun, +and it really suits _her_, though only her. I can't stand other people +when they are sun-burned. But really everything suits Hella; when she +was so pale in hospital, she was lovely; and now she is just as lovely, +only in quite a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says: +You can measure a girl's beauty by the degree in which she bears being +sunburned without losing her good looks. He really used to say that in +the holidays simply to annoy Dora and me, but he's quite right all the +same. + +February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. They were all +awfully nice to Hella, and Frau Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her +arm round her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today was the +Natural History lesson. We knocked at the door and when we went in Prof. +W. said: Ah I'm glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you don't give +us all another fright. How are you? Hella said: "Quite well, thank you, +Herr Prof." And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious +face and he said: It seems to me that you've caught your friend's ill +humour.--Hella: "Herr Prof., you are really too kind, but we don't want +to trouble you. What things have we to take to the class-room? And then +we beg leave to resign our posts, for I don't feel strong enough for the +work." She said this in quite a soldierly way, the way she is used to +hear her father speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked at us +and said: "All right, two of the other pupils will take it over." We +don't know whether he really noticed nothing or simply did not wish +to show that he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so awfully +sorry; for it was the last time, the very last time. + +February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got _Unsatisfactory_. I +was not being questioned, but when Klaiber could not answer anything I +laughed, and he said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. But +since I had been thinking of something quite different I did not know +what it was all about, and so I got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ of +course that would not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and +Franke did all they could to console me and said: "That does not matter, +it wasn't an examination; he'll _have_ to examine you properly later." +Anyhow Franke thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off if +he gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor can forget _such a +defeat_. For we told her about the silly little fools. She said, indeed, +that we had made it too obvious. That's not really true. But now she +takes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. Verbenowitsch +and Bennari bring in the things now. They are much better suited for it. +Hella's father did not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter +or the maidservant are there for that--we never see them all the year +round, that's a fine thing. + +March 8th. Easter does not come this year until April 16th. I am going +with the Bruckners to Cilli, outside the town there they have a vineyard +with a country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully glad. All the +flowers begin to come out there at the end of March or beginning of +April. + +March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met a gentleman to-day, +very fashionably dressed with gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair +moustache. Hella blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat +and said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking very well. How are +you? He never looked at me, and when he had gone she said: "That was Dr. +Fekete, who assisted at my operation."--"And you tell me _that_ now for +the first time?" Then she put on an innocent air and said: "Of course, +we've never met him before," but I said: "I don't mean _that_. If you +knew how red you got you would not tell me a lie." Then she said: "What +am I telling you a lie about? Do you think I'm in love with him? Not in +the very least."--But when one is _not_ in love one does not blush like +that. Anyhow I shan't tell everything now either; I can hold my tongue +too. + +March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another so much as usual; I +especially was very silent. When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been +doing the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and brought me +some lovely violets, so of course I forgave her. This is really the +first time we've ever quarrelled. First she wanted to bring me some +sweets, but then she decided upon violets, and I think that was much +more graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when it has hurt +itself or been in a temper. But flowers are not for a child. + +March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all terribly upset. None of us +were very intimate with her, but now that she is dead we all remember +that she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following +rheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, except Hella who was not +allowed to come. Her mother cried like anything and her grandmother +still more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white roses with +a lovely inscription: Death has snatched you away in the flower of your +youth--Your Schoolfellows. + +I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not see Frieda Belay after +she was dead, but Franke was there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. +She says she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In the +church Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother was buried only a +month ago and now she was reminded of it all and was frightfully upset. +I cried a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was because I +was thinking she might have died last Dec. But that wasn't it, I don't +think about that sort of thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully +sad. + +March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I can't go to Cilli with +Hella. Her mother was at her cousin's, and when she heard that she was +going to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with her. That +is, she didn't ask straight out, but kept on hinting until Hella's +mother said: Let Melanie come with us, it will help to set her up after +her illness. In the winter she had congestion of the lung. Hella and +I can't bear her because she's always spying on us and is so utterly +false. So of course I can't go. Hella says too she's frightfully sorry, +but when _she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, it +would drive us crazy. She quite agrees that I had better not come. But +oh I'm so annoyed for first of all I do so like going away with Hella +and secondly I should like to go away in the holidays anyhow for nearly +all the girls in our class are going away. Still, there's nothing to be +done. Hella's mother says she can't see why we can't all 3 go though +it simply would not work. But we can't explain it to her. Hella is so +poetical and she says "A beautiful dream vanished." + +In Hella's mouth such fine words sound magnificent, but when Dora uses +such expressions they annoy me frightfully because they don't come from +her heart. + +March 26th. The school performances finish today with Waves of the Sea +and Waves of Love. I'm awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write +anything about that. For anyhow the play is written by a poet and one +can read it if one wants to, and one just sees the rest anyhow. I can't +make out what Dora finds such a lot to scribble about always the day +after we've been to the theatre. I expect she's in love with one of the +actors and that's why she writes such a lot. Besides we in the second +class did not get tickets for all the performances, but only the girls +from the Fourth upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow for +we often go in the evening and on Sunday afternoons. But unfortunately I +mayn't go in the evening as a rule. + +March 29th. To-day something horrible happened to Dora and me. I simply +can't write it down. She was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the +Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened when she was travelling +with Mother on February 15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing +to see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there was only one +gentleman in the carriage, Mother always travels second class. She and +Mother were sitting together and the gentleman was standing farther down +the carriage where Mother could not see him but Dora could. And as Dora +was looking he opened his cloak and -- -- --! just what the man did +to-day at the house door. And when they got out of the train Dora's boa +got stuck in the door and she had to turn round though she did not want +to, and then she saw again -- -- --! She simply could not sleep for a +whole month afterwards. I remember that time when she could not sleep +but I did not know why it was. She never told anyone except Erika and +the same thing happened to her once. Dora says that happens at least +once to nearly every girl; and that such men are "_abnormal_." I don't +really know what that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hella +will know. Of course I did not really look, but Dora shivered and said: +"And _that_ is what one has to endure." And then, when we were talking it +over she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and because she +has had five children; Then I was very silly and said: "But how from +_that_? one does not get children from that?" "Of course," she said, +"I thought you knew that already. That time there was such a row with +Mali about the waistband, I thought you and Hella had heard all about +everything." Then I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for +instead of telling her what I really knew I said: "Oh, yes, I knew all +about it except just that." Then she burst out laughing and said: "After +all, what you and Hella know doesn't amount to much." And in the end she +told me a _little_. If it's really as Dora says, then she is right when +she says it is better not to marry. One can fall in love, one must fall +in love, but one can just break off the engagement. Well, that's the +best way out of the difficulty for then no one can say that you've never +had a man in love with you. We walked up and down in front of the school +for such a long time that we were very nearly late and only got in just +as the bell rang. On the way home I told Hella the awful thing we'd seen +the man do. She does not know either what "abnormal" really means _as +far as this is concerned_. But now we shall use it as an expression for +something horrible. Of course no one will understand us. And then Hella +told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . was walking through the +streets _like that_ and was arrested. She says _too_ that one can never +forget seeing anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning was +drunk too. But he didn't look as if he were drunk. And if he hadn't done +_that_ one would really have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knows +too that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She explained it +all to me and now I can quite understand that _that_ must make one ill. +Yesterday it was after 11 at night and so I'm finishing to-day. Hella +says: _That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which Adam +and Eve committed. Before I had always believed the original sin was +something quite different. But that--that. Since yesterday I've been so +upset I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look at all, +but I must have seen it all the same. + +March 30th. I don't know why, but in the history lesson to-day it all +came into my head once more what Dora had said of Father. But I really +can't believe it. Because of Father I'm really sorry that I know it. +Perhaps it does not all happen the way Dora and Hella say. Generally I +can trust Hella, but of course she may be mistaken. + +April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She is quite different now +from what she used to be. One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. +Only common people say P--. Or one can say one's _like that_. Dora +has had M-- since August before last, and it is horribly disagreeable, +because men always know. That is why at the High School we have only +three men professors and all the other teachers are women. Now Dora +often does not have M-- and then sometimes it's awfully bad, and that's +why she's anemic. That men always know, that's frightfully interesting. + +April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. Dora certainly knows +more than I do, that is not more but better. But she isn't quite +straightforward all the same. When I asked her how she got to know about +it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she said: "Oh, I don't know; +one finds it all out somehow; one need only use one's eyes and one's +ears, and then one can reason things out a little." But seeing and +hearing don't take one very far. I've always kept my eyes open and I'm +not so stupid as all that. One must be told by some one, one _can't_ +just happen upon it by oneself. + +April 6th. I don't care about paying visits now. We used always to like +going to see the Richters, but to-day I found it dull. Now I know why +Dora hates going second class on the Metropolitan. I always thought it +was only to spite me because I like travelling second. She never likes +going second since _that_ happened. It seems one is often unjust to +people who never meant what one thought. But why did she not tell me the +truth? She says because I was still a child then. That's all right, but +what about this winter when I was cross because we went Third class to +Schonbrunn; I really believed she did it to annoy me, for I could not +believe she was afraid that in the second class, where one is often +alone, somebody would suddenly attack her with a knife. But now I +understand quite well, for of course she could not tell Mother the truth +and Father still less. And in winter and spring there are really often +no passengers to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on the Outer +Circle. + +April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters yesterday we, +especially I, had been frightfully dull and stupid. Why had we kept on +exchanging glances? We had been most unmannerly. If she had only known +what we were thinking of when Frau Richter said, the weather to-day is +_certainly quite abnormal_; we have not had such _abnormal_ heat for +years. And then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about his brother +who had spent the whole winter at Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my +brother is a little _abnormal_, I think he's got a tile loose in the +upper storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau R. helped +us once more to a tremendous lot of cake and I was able to lean well +forward over my plate. And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton +and just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother was _very_ unjust +to me, for the cake had nothing at all to do with it. Dora says too that +I must learn to control myself better, that if I only watch her I'll +soon learn. That's all very well, but why should one have to bother? If +people did not use words that really mean something quite different then +other people would not have to control themselves. Still, I must learn +to do it somehow. + +April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite early, at half past 8, +they telephoned from the school that Dora had suddenly been taken ill +in the Latin lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother drove down +directly in a taxi and I went with her because anyhow my lessons began +at 9 and we found Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting +by her and the head's friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, who is a medical +doctor, and they had loosened her dress and put a cold compress on her +head for she had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That's the third +time this year, so she must really have anemia. I wanted to drive home +with her, but Mother and Frau Dr. P. said I'd better just go to my +lessons. And as I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: "That's a fine +healthy girl, a jolly little fellow." Really one should only use that +word of boys and men, but I suppose she has got into the way of using it +through being with men so much. If one studies medicine one has to learn +all about _that_ and to look at everything. It must be really horrid. + +Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too that she's anemic. +To-morrow or the day after Mother is going to take her to see a +specialist. Dora says it's a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can't +hear what people are saying and one feels quite weak and then one does +not know anything more. I wonder if I shall ever faint? Very likely when +-- -- -- We talked a lot about everything we are interested in. In the +afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and she thinks she looks +awfully pretty in bed, an interesting invalid and at the same time so +distinguished looking. It's quite true, we all look distinguished. + +April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother's _wedding day_. Now I know +_what_ that really means. Dora says it can't really be true that it is +the most lovely day in one's life, as everyone says it is, especially +the poets. She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed because +after all everyone knows. . . . That's quite true, but after all one +need not tell anyone which one's wedding day is. Dora says she will +never tell her children which her wedding day is. But it would be a +great pity if parents always did that for then in every family there +would be one anniversary the less. And the more anniversaries there are, +the jollier it is. + +April 10th. To-morrow I'm going with Father to Salzburg. Dora can't +come, for they think she might faint in the train. I'm rather glad +really, though I've nothing against her and I'm sorry for her, but it's +much nicer to go with Father alone. It's a long time since I was in +Salzburg. I'm so awfully glad to go. Our spring coats and skirts are so +pretty, dark green with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and +light brown straw hats with daisies for the spring and later we +shall have cherries or roses. I'm taking my diary so that I can write +everything which _interests_ me. + +April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father says I ground my +teeth frightfully and was very restless: but I did not know anything +about it. We had a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when +there was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with us, because her +aunt, who has just been married, is coming to visit them. Really I'm +quite glad, for I like so much being with Father quite alone. This +afternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock Theatre. It is wonderful. + +April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! But I don't much like +it when other people are there. To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The +weather was lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive a +view it always makes me feel sad. Because there are so many people one +does not know who perhaps are very nice. I should like to be always +travelling. It would be splendid. + +April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was writing a letter to +Mother and he let me go to see the salt works; I don't know how it +happened, but suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, in a +place I did not know. Then an old gentleman asked me what I was looking +for; because I had walked past the same place 3 times and I said we were +staying in the "Zur Post Hotel" and I did not know how to find my way +back. So he came with me to show me and as we were talking it came out +that he had known Father at the university. So he came in with me and +Father was awfully glad to see him. He is a barrister in Salzburg but he +has a grey beard already. As he was going away he said in an undertone +to Father: "I congratulate you old chap on your daughter; she'll be +something quite out of the ordinary!" He whispered it really, but +I heard all the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at the +Kapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military band; two young officers +in the Yagers who were sitting at the next table to ours kept on looking +our way; one was particularly handsome. My new summer coat and skirt is +awfully becoming everyone says. Father says too: "I say, you'll soon be +a young lady! But don't grow up too quickly!" I can't make out why he +said that; I should like to be quite grown up; but it will be a long +time yet. + +April 14th. It's been raining all day. How horrid. One can't go +anywhere. All the morning we were walking about the town and saw several +churches. Then we were at the pastrycook's, where I ate 4 chocolate +eclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for dinner. + +April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. Gratzl sent up the hotel +clerk to ask us to dinner. We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. +He has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three years ago. One +of the sons is a student in Graz and the other is a lieutenant in the +army; he is engaged to be married. The daughters are quite old already; +one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is horrid. The youngest +(!!!) is 24. It is so funny to say "the youngest" and then she is 24. +Father says she is very pretty and will certainly get married At 24!! +when she's not even engaged yet; I don't believe she will. They have a +large garden, 3 dogs and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There +are steps leading up and down from room to room, it is lovely, and all +the windows are bow-windows. Everything is so old-fashioned, even +the furniture I do think it's all so pretty. The hall is round like a +church. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed fruit, and pastries. I +had a huge go of stewed fruit. They have a gramaphone and then Leni and +I played the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the student, came +in; he got quite red and in the hall Dr. Gratzl said to me: "You've made +a conquest to-day." I don't really believe I have, but I do like hearing +it said. I'm sorry to say we are going away to-morrow, for we are going +to stay 2 days in Linz with Uncle Theodor whom I don't know. + +April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt Lina is old too. Still, +they are both awfully nice. I did not know them before. We are staying +with them. In the evening their son and his wife came. They are my +cousins, and they brought their little girl with them; I am really a +sort of aunt of hers. It's awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only +12 and 3/4 and when one's niece is 9. To-day we went walking along the +Danube. It only rained very gently and not all the time. + +April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course we have sent a lot of +picture postcards to Mother and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald +too. He came home for Easter. I don't know whether he will still be +there to-morrow. + +April 22nd. We've begun school again. Dora and I generally walk to +school together since she does not go to the Latin lesson now because +it was too great a strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see +wanted her to give up studying altogether, but she absolutely refuses to +do that. But I'm very furious with her; she's learning Latin in secret. +When I came into the room the day before yesterday she was writing +out words and she shut her book quickly instead of saying openly and +honestly: Rita, don't tell Father and Mother that I'm still studying +in the evening: "I trust your word." She could trust me perfectly well. +There are plenty of things I could tell if I liked! Perhaps she fancies +that I don't see that the tall fair man always follows us to school in +the morning. Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully bald +and must be at least 30. And I'm certain she would not talk as much as +she does to Hella and me if it were not that she wants to talk about +_that_. But this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise we are +now quite intimate with one another. + +April 24th. We went to confession and communion to-day. I do hate +confession; though it's never happened to me what many girls have told +me, even girls in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the 6th +commandment; all they've asked is: In thought, word, or deed? Still, I +do hate going to confession, and so does Dora. It's much nicer for Hella +as a Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion I'm always +terrified that the host might drop out of my mouth. That would be awful. +I expect one would be immediately excommunicated as a heretic. Dora was +not allowed to come to confession and com., Father would not let her. +She must not go out without her breakfast. + +April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who dropped the host out +of her mouth. There was a frightful row about it. She said it was not +her fault the priest's hand shook so. It's quite true, he was very old, +and that is why I'm always afraid it will happen to me. It's much better +when the priest is young, because then that can never happen. Father +says that the girl won't be excommunicated for this, and luckily one of +her uncles is a distinguished prelate. He is her guardian too. That will +help her out. + +April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in the interval. She is +awfully nice and she says she really did not do it on purpose for she is +frightfully pious and perhaps she's going to be a nun. I am pious too, +we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I would not go into a convent, +not I. Dora says people generally do that when they've been crossed +in love, because then the world seems empty and hateful. She looked so +frightfully sentimental that I said: Seems to me you've a fancy that way +yourself? Then she said: "No, thank goodness, I've no reason for that." +Of course what she meant was that she was not crossed in love but the +other way. No doubt the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at her +for a long time and said: "I congratulate you on your good fortune. But +Hella and I wish he was not bald," then she said with an astonished air: +"Bald? What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of a thinker." + +27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. I have forgotten to +say that Dora has to go out every day for two hours to sit and walk in +the sunshine. Since Mother is not very well and can't walk much, we've +engaged the Mad. Father says that when I have time I must go too "as +a precautionary measure." I don't like the idea at all, it's much too +dull; besides I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week, +Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, Thursdays, and +Saturdays I have my music lesson, so I can't go; so Finis and +Jubilation! That's what Oswald always says at the end of the year and +at the end of term. Still, she's very pretty, has fair curly hair, huge +grey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, but she speaks so fast that I +can't understand all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman is +to come, but we have not got one yet, they are all so expensive. It does +seem funny to me to get a salary for going out with _grown up girls_, +that's only an amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw last year +in Rathaus Park, it would be different. As for the French or English +conversation! If they did not want to talk what would it matter? And +besides why should one want to talk either French or English, it's so +stupid. + +April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and the eldest son came too, +the lieutenant from Lemberg; he is awfully handsome and made hot love +to Dora; Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry +in Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring Dora one of +Tolstoi's books to read. Then they will do some music together, she +piano and he violin; it's a pity I can't play as well as Dora yet. At +Whitsuntide Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means conqueror) is +on furlough for 6 months, because he's ill, or because he is said to be +ill; for one does not look like _that_ when one is really ill. + +May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he must be frightfully +smitten with Dora. But Father won't have it at any price. He said to +Dora to-day: + +"You get this gay young spark out of your head; he is no good. But at +sight of a uniform there is no holding you girls. I've no objection to +you doing music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual running +to and fro with books and notes is all humbug." + +May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is with Dora, to school every +day. He is supposed to lie in bed late every morning, for he is really +ill but for Dora's sake he gets up frightfully early and comes over from +Heitzing and waits in ---- Street. Of course I go on alone with Hella +and we all meet In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything at +school. + +May 13th. To-morrow is Mother's birthday and Viktor (when I am talking +about him to Dora I always speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely +roses and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the hall he called +me "the Guardian Angel of our Love." Yes, that is what I am and always +shall be; for he really deserves it and Dora too is quite different +from what she used to be. Hella says one can see for oneself that love +ennobles; up till now she has always thought that to be mere poetical +fiction. + +May 15th. Father said: I don't care much about these visits to the +Richters as long as that _young jackanapes_ is still there, but Mother +can't very well refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts with +the white blouses with the little green silk leaves for Dora does not +like to wear all white except in summer. And because the leaves on the +blouses are _clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We are +looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope Mother will be all right, +for she is in bed to-day. It's horrid being ill anyhow, but when being +ill interferes with other people's pleasure it's simply frightful. + +May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother's birthday; but it was not +so jolly as usual because Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present +I painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which looks awfully +chic. Dora gave her a book cover embroidered with a spray of Japanese +cherries, I don't know what Father gave her, money I think, because on +her birthday and name day he always hands her an envelope. But since +Mother is not well we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her +health at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought we were not +looking. Still, it's not so dangerous as all that; she is able to go out +and doesn't look bad. I think Mother's awfully smart, she looks just as +well in her dressing gown as when she's dressed up to go out. Dora says +that if she had been made ill by her husband she would hate him and +would never let her daughters marry. That's all very well, but one ought +to be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has become ill. They say that +is why Aunt Dora doesn't like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to +her as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see Mother. But +after all, Aunt Dora has no right to make _scenes_ about it to Father, +as Dora says she does. Mother's the only person with any right to do +that. Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother's having to +have an operation. Nothing would ever induce me to undergo an operation, +it must be horrible, I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. But +Dora says: "Anyone who's had five children must be used to that sort +of thing." I shall pray every night that Mother may get well without an +operation. I expect we shan't all go away together at Whitsuntide this +year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health resort, most likely to +Franzensbad. + +May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter was there from Modling, +he was awfully nice, and said I was so like my sister that it was +difficult to tell us apart. That's a frightful cram, but I know what +he really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and the three played +a trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed with myself for not having +worked harder at my music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours +every day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter Viktor is going to +found a private dramatic club, so he must be going to stay more than six +months in Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and when I said: +"The great pity is that she's got such frightful anemia," he said: In a +man's eyes that is no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. +Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often makes a girl +more charming than ever, as you can see in your sister. + +Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for the first time; anybody +can have her for me. She wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is +engaged, but Dora says, has been. I simply don't believe it. V. says +Mad. is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora if she was not jealous, she +said she didn't care, she was quite sure of his love. He means to leave +the army and go into the civil service, and then he will be able +to marry. But Dora said, there's plenty of time for that, a secret +engagement is much nicer. Then she noticed she'd given herself away, and +she blushed like anything and said: You naturally must be engaged before +you are married, mustn't you?--of course she _is_ secretly engaged, but +she won't tell me about it. What's the good of my being the "Guardian +Angel of their Love?" If he only knew. + +May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I simply have no +time, first of all I had my lesson anyhow, and secondly something awful +happened to Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; and +because we have our religion lesson in the Fifth I saw a green bound +book lying under the third bench. Great Scott, I thought, that looks +like Dora's diary. I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchel +over it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When I got home +at 1 o'clock I did not say anything at first. After dinner +she began rummaging all over the place, but without saying +anything to me, and then I said quite quietly: "Do you hap--pen +to be look--ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--it +in--the--fifth--class--un--der--the--third--bench." (I kept her on +tenter hooks that way.) She got as white as a sheet and said: "You _are_ +an angel. If any one else had found it, I should have been expelled +and Mad. would have had to drown herself." "Oh, it can't be as bad as all +that," I said, for what she said about Mad. was frightfully exciting. In +class I had looked chiefly at what she had written about V. But I could +not read it there, because it was written very small and close together +and was several pages, but I had not looked much at what she had written +about Mad. "Did you read it?" "No, only where it happened to come open +because there's a page torn out." "About V. or about Mad?" "A little about +Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan't tell anyone. For if I'd wanted +to betray you, you know quite well. . . ." And then she told me all +about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would not even tell Hella. +Mad. is secretly engaged to a man to whom she has given "the utmost +gifts of love," that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love with +him, and they would marry directly but he is a lieutenant too, and they +have not enough money for the security. She says that when one really +loves a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has often been to +his rooms, but she has to be frightfully careful for her father would +kill her if he found out. Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he is +very handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. says that you can't +trust men as a rule, but that her lover is quite different, that he is +true as steel. I am sure V. is too. + +May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could not look at her while +Mother was there and Dora says I made an awful fool of myself. For +I went out walking with them to-day, and when we met a smart-looking +officer I hemmed and looked at Dora. But she didn't know why. Mad. is +the daughter of a high official in the French military service and she +only took her teacher's degree in order to get free from her Mother's +"_tyranny_;" she nagged at her frightfully and until she began to give +lessons she was never allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very +refined in her speech, especially when she is talking about _these_ +things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks German, for it's +much more difficult to say it in French, and probably Dora would not +understand it and then Mad. would only have to translate it. She is +called Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. says that if one is madly +in love with a man one does whatever he asks. But I don't see that one +need do that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he might ask you +to get the moon out of the skies, or to pull out a tooth for his sake. +Dora says she can understand it quite well; that I still lack _the true +inwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter nonsense. But +since it sounds fine I've written it down, and perhaps I shall find +a use for it some day when I'm talking to Walter. Mad. is always +frightfully anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did she's sure +her father would kill her. The lieutenant is in the flying corps. He +hopes he's going to invent a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lot +of money out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But it would be +awful if _something happened_ and she got a baby already. + +May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I knew all about these things, +whether Hella had told me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said +quite casually: "Oh, one can read all about that in the encyclopedia." +But Dora laughed and said: "You are quite on the wrong scent; you can't +find a tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what you do +find is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely no good_ depending +on books." First of all she would not tell me any more, but after a +time she told me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, and +about _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic baby which really comes +from the husband, and not as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. +And how one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is really an awful +word. In fact almost every word has a second meaning of _that_ sort, and +what Dora says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when one is +talking. Dora thinks it would be best to make a list of all such words, +but there are such a frightful lot of them that one never could. The +only thing one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets used +to it. Still it happened to Dora the other day that she said to V.: I +don't want any _intercourse_. And that really means "the utmost gifts +of love," so Mad. told her. But V. was so well-mannered that he did +not show that he noticed anything; and it did not occur to Dora until +afterwards what she had said. It's really awfully stupid that every +ordinary word should have such a meaning. I shall be so frightfully +careful what I say now, so that I shan't use any word with two meanings. +Mad. says it's just the same in French. We don't know whether it is the +same in English and we could never dream of asking that awful fright, +Miss Lundy. Very likely she does not know the first thing about it +anyhow. I know a great deal more than Hella now, but I can't tell her +because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can give her a hint to +be more careful in what she says, so as not to use any word with two +meanings. That is really my duty as a friend. + +May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had his written matriculation +exam, he wrote a postcard every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed +because he made such silly jokes all the time that we could not really +tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully excited because next Monday +we are going to the aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is at +the conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to fly too. Of course +we'll motor out because the railway is not convenient. Of course Viktor +will be there, but he is motoring over with some other officers. It's +a great pity, for it would have been lovely if he'd been in our car. By +the way, I saved the class to-day, the school inspector has been this +week and examined our class first in History and then in German, and I +was the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor M. had told us about the +Origin of Fable. The insp. was very complimentary and afterwards Frau +Doktor M. said: its quite true one can always depend upon Lainer; she's +got a trustworthy memory. When we were walking home she was awfully +nice: "Do you know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your pardon." +I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But why? She said: "It seemed to me +this year that you were not taking quite so much interest in your German +lessons as you did last year; but now you've _reinstated_ yourself in my +good opinion." Afterwards Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is +not so far wrong when I think of all that we used to read last year so +that we might know everything when the lesson came, and when I think of +what we do this year!!! You know very well -- -- -- --. Hella is quite +right, but still one can learn in spite of _those things_, one can't be +_always_ talking about them. And then it's quite easy to learn for such +an angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as red as a turkey cock +from pride because I could say it all in the very words of Frau Doktor +M., but it was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up about +it, and secondly I really don't know myself how I managed to say it +all. I only felt that Frau Doktor M. is so annoyed when no one offers to +answer a question, and so I took it on. + +May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a hundred times. How could I +be so stupid! Now we're not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only +let us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed he was going +to stay there another fortnight. And at dinner to-day I made a slip and +said: "It is a pity there's no room for five in our car. If Fraulein +Else were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come with us." Dora kicked +me under the table and I tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry +and said. "Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, children, nothing +doing. I shall make your excuses to Frau Richter directly. I'm not +having any, did not I tell you you weren't to see the fellow any more?" +Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say anything but she did +not eat any pudding or fruit, and as soon as we were back in our room +she gave it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you little beast, +but really you are only a child whom I never ought to have trusted, and +so on. It's really too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I envied +her. Besides it's bad for me as well as for her, for I like him very +much too, for he makes no difference between us and treats me exactly +like Dora. Of course we are not on speaking terms now, and what +infuriated me more than anything was that she said she grudged every +word she had said to me in _this_ connection: "Pearls before Swine." +What a rude thing to say. So I am an S. But I should like to know who +told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I'm quite sure that I shall never talk to +her again about _anything of that sort_. Thank goodness I have a friend +in Hella. She would never say or think anything of the kind of me. + +May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all night; Dora cried +frightfully, I heard her though she tried to stifle it, and I cried too, +for I was thinking all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor +from thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then I thought of +something, and chance or I ought to say luck helped me. Viktor does not +walk to school with us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have +seen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora when she comes away at +1 o'clock. So quite early I telephoned to him at a public telephone call +office, for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so bad that she +could not go to school so I was going alone with Hella. I telephoned +saying a friend was ringing him up, that was when the maid answered the +telephone, and then she called him. I told him: that whatever happened +he was not to think unkindly of me and I must see him at 1 o'clock +because Dora was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. All +through lessons I was so upset that I don't in the least know what we +did. And at 1 o'clock he was there all right, and I told him all about +it and he was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled _me_. +That's quite different from the way Dora behaved. I was so much upset +that I nearly cried, and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his arm +round me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away my tears. I shall +never tell Dora about that. Then he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora +because she had such a _lot_ to bear. I don't really know _what_ she has +to bear, but still, for his sake, because it's really worth doing it for +that, after dinner I put a note upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans +of love to you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. At the +same time his best thanks for the book. I put the note in Heidepeter's +Gabriel, which she had lent to me to read and put it down very +significantly. When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few times +and said: "Have you seen him? Where was it and when?" Then I told her +all about it and she was frightfully touched and said: "You really are +a good girl, only frightfully undependable." What do you mean, +undependable? She said: Yes undependable, for one simply must not blurt +out things in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have you +finished Heidepeter's Gabriel yet? "No," I said, "I'm not going to read +anyone's book with whom I'm angry." In the end we made it up, but of +course we did not talk any more about it and I did not say a word about +that business with the handkerchief. + +May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and Dora are going to Frazensbad, +because they both have to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a +change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she won't go about hanging +her head like a sick chicken. To-day Dora told me something very +interesting. Unmarried men have little books and with these they can go +to visit women "of a certain kind" in Graben and in the Karntnerstrasse. +There, Dora says, they have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora's +class there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and they have all +to be examined every month to see if they are healthy, and if not they +can't visit these "ladies," and that's why the Preusses can never keep a +servant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had a certain line, so +I must be fr--. But I shan't have more than 1 or 2 children at most for +the line is very faint. When I'm studying I often think of such things, +and then I read a whole page and turn over and have not the remotest +idea what I've been reading. It's very tiresome, for soon the other +school insp. for maths. and the other subjects is coming, and I should +not like to make a fool of myself; especially not because perhaps the +inspectors talk us over with one another about who is clever and who +stupid. + +May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I hear such grand music I +always have to keep myself well in hand for I fear I should cry. It's +very stupid, of course, but at such times I can only think of sad +things, even if it's just a small piece. Dora can play Brahms' Hungarian +Dances, too, but that never makes me want to cry. I only get annoyed +because I can't play them myself. I could all right, but I have not got +patience to practice long enough. I never tell anyone that I want to +cry when I am listening to music, not even Hella, though I tell her +everything, except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a fool of +myself; at least so Dora says. I don't know how it happened, we were +talking about books at supper, and I said: "What's the use of books, +one can't learn anything out of them; everything is quite different from +what they say in books." Then Father got in a wax and said: "You little +duffer, you can thank your stars there are books from which you can +learn something. Anyone who can't understand a book always says it is no +good." Dora gave me a look, but I didn't know what she meant, and I +went on: "Yes, but there's an awful lot that the encyclopedia puts all +wrong." "What have you been ferreting in the encyclopedia for; we shall +have to keep the key of the bookcase in a safer place." Thank goodness +Dora came to my help and said: "Gretel wanted to look up something +about the age of elephants and mammoths, but it's quite different in the +encyclopedia from what Prof. Rigl told her last year." I was saved. Dora +can act splendidly; I've noticed it before. In the evening she rowed me, +and said: "You little goose, will you never learn caution; first that +stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! I've helped you out +of a hole once but I shan't do it again." And then she spent all the +time writing a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just been +reading a lot of things in the encycl., about _Birth_ and _Pregnancy_, +and I on my own about abor--; we came across the words Embyro +and Foetus, and I said nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in my +handkerchief to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. Mad. need +not be anxious even if she _really_ did get like that. But every doctor +knows about it and one often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. knows anything +about it. We were talking about the _differences_ between men and women, +and it came out that when Hella has her bath she is still washed by Anna +who has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would induce me to allow +that, I would not let anyone wash me, except Mother; certainly not Dora, +for I don't want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in the hosp. +told Hella that she is developed just like a little nymph, so lovely and +symetrical. Hella says that is nothing unusual, that every girl looks +like that, that the female body is _Nature's Work of Art_. Of course +she's read that somewhere, for it does not really mean anything. +_Nature's_ work of art; it ought to be: a work of art made by husband +and wife!!! + +May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad on June 6th, directly +after Whitsuntide. Dora has got another new coat and skirt, grey with +blue stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits me very well +says Hella and everyone, with white ribbons and wild roses. There might +have been a fearful row about what's just happened. When I went to +telephone I had my Christmas umbrella with the rose-quartz handle and +I left it in the telephone box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it +there, and as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to the porter +who brought it upstairs. Thank goodness it occurred to me at once to say +that I went into the tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it +in the _shop_. No one noticed anything. + +May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with Hella for the month when +Mother and Dora are away. It would be awfully nice, but I'm not going +to, for I want to stay with Father. What would he do all alone at meal +times, and whom would he have to talk to in the evenings? Father was +really quite touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as he can +and no one else, not even Mother. So I'm going to stay at home whatever +happens. Flowers are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowers +on the table every day, I shall go to the Market every day to buy a +little posy, so that they can always be fresh. It would be stupid for me +to go to the Brs., why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long +time, she knows how to do everything even if Mother is not there and +everything else I can arrange. Father won't want for anything. + +June 1st. We've had such an experience to-day! It's awful; it's quite +true then that one takes off _every stitch_ when one is madly fond of +anyone. I never really believed it, and I'm sure Dora did not, although +Mad. hinted it to her; but _it's true_. We've seen it _with our own +eyes_. I was just sitting and reading Storm's The Rider of the Grey +Horse and Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to Franzensbad +when Resi came and said: Fraulein Dora, please come here a moment, I +want you to look at something! From the tone of her voice I saw there +was something up so I went too. At first Resi would not say what it +was but Dora was generous and said: "It's all right, you can say +_everything_ before her." Then we went into Resi's room and from behind +the curtain peeped into the mezzanin. A young _married couple_ live +there!!! At least Resi says people say they are _not_ really married, +but simply live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She was +absolutely naked lying in bed without any of the clothes on, and he +was kneeling by the bedside quite n-- too, and he kissed her all over, +_everywhere!!!_ Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. And +then he stood up--no, I can't write it, it's too awful, I shall never +forget it. So _that's_ the way of it, it's simply frightful. I could +never have believed it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled so +that Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried with horror, and yet +I could not help laughing too. I was really afraid he would stifle her +because he's so big and she's so small. And Resi says he is certainly +much too big for her, and that he nearly tears her. I don't know why +he should tear her but certainly he might have crushed her. Dora was +so terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get her a glass of +water, because she believed she was going to faint. I had not imagined +it was anything like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or she +would never have trembled so. Still I really don't see why she should +tremble like that. There is no reason to be frightened, one simply need +not marry, and then one need never strip off every stitch, and oh dear, +poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the lieutenant is very tall. +But just think if anyone is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Of +course Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the landlord had +another little girl, so something _must have happened_. No, I'm sure +it's best not to marry, for _it_ is really too awful. We did not look +any more for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to be actually +sick, so that she could hardly get back to our room. If she had not +been able to, everything would have come out. Mother sent for the doctor +directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; that it was a +good thing she was going away from Vienna in a few days. No girl ought +to study, it does not pay. Then he said to me: "You don't look up to +much either. What are you so hollow-eyed for?" "I'm so frightened about +Dora," I said. "Fiddlededee," said the doctor, "that does not give +anyone black rings round the eyes." So it must be true that one gets to +look ill when one always has to think about _such_ things. But how can +one help it, and Hella says: It's awfully interesting to have black +rings under the eyes and men _like_ it. + +We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to Kahlenberg and +Hermannskogel, but probably it won't come off. Its 11 already and I'm +fearfully tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do hope I +Shall be able to sleep, but -- -- -- -- + +June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; we enjoyed ourselves +tremendously. After dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the +hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all about what we'd +seen on Friday. She was simply speechless, all the more since she had +never heard what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She won't +marry either, for it's too disagreeable, indeed too horrid.--The doctor +said too: This perpetual learning is poisonous for young girls _in the +years of development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. Hella is +frightfully annoyed that she was not there. She can be jolly glad, I +don't want to see it a second time, and I shall never forget it all my +life long; what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. Then +Hella went on making jokes and said: "I say, just think if it had +been Viktor." "Oh, do shut up," I screamed, and Father thought we were +quarrelling and called out: "You two seem to be having a dispute in the +grand style." If he'd only known what we were talking about!!! Oswald +has been home since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past 10. +But he did not come on the excursion with us yesterday, although Father +would have liked him to; he said he would find it much too dull to spend +the day with two "flappers;" that means that we're not grown up enough +for him and is a piece of infernal cheek especially as regards Hella. +She says she will simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister +I can't very well do that, but I shan't fetch and carry for him as he +would like me to. He's no right to insult even his sister. + +Dora has just said to me: It's horrible that one has to endure that (you +know what!!! -- -- -- --) when one is married. Resi had told her about +those two before, and that only the Jews do it just like _that_. She +said that other people did not strip quite naked and that perhaps it's +different in some other ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. implied that it was +just _that_ way, only she did not say anything about the crushing; but +I suppose that's because of the cruelty of the Jews -- -- --. I'm afraid +every night that I'm going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed about +it already. She says that whenever she closes her eyes she sees it all +as if it were actually before her. + +June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant the other day when he +was speaking about Dr. Diller and his wife and said: "But they don't +suit one another at all." I thought at the time he only meant that it +looks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go about with a big strong +man. But that's only a minor thing; the main point is something quite +different!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now who go by arm in arm, +thinking about them from _that_ point of view, and it amuses us so much +as we are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. But really +it's no laughing matter, especially for the woman. + +June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with her to pay a farewell call +at the Richter's. But there was no one at home, that is Frau R. was +certainly at home, but said she was not because they are very much +offended with Father. In the afternoon Dora and I had a lot of things to +get, and we met Viktor, by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they +went into the Minorite church while I went for a walk in Kohlmarkt and +Herrengasse. He is going to America in the beginning of July, before +Dora comes home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper stamped with +his regimental arms, specially for her to write to him on, and a locket +with his portrait. To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, through +me, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora has been much nicer to me +lately. + +June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. Mother has never gone +away from us before for long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. +Dora cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and I are alone now. +At dinner he said to me: "My little housewife." It was so lovely. But +it's frightfully quiet in the house, for 2 people don't talk so much as +4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. To-day I talked several things +over with Resi. What I think worst of all is that one saw the whole +of his behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other day she +thought it was positively infamous. Resi said they might at least +have pulled down the blind so that nobody could see in, that's what +respectable people would do. But _respectable_ people simply would +not strip, or at least they'd cover themselves respectably with the +bedclothes. Then Resi told me some more about the bank clerk and his +wife, that is _not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know about +it, and what excuse she makes for not living at home. She is not a +Jewess, though he is a Jew. Resi absolutely curled up with laughing +because I said: "Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ strip +though ordinarily only the wife has to strip." But she herself said a +little while ago that only Jews do it _that way_, and to-day she laughed +as if I were talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know exactly +herself, and she cloaks it with laughter because she's annoyed, first +because _she_ does not know, and then also I'm sure because she really +began to talk about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that I +never dream about _it_. I should like to know whether perhaps Dora never +really dreamed of it, though she pretended she did. As for Hella saying +she dreamed of it the day before yesterday, I'm sure that was pure +invention, for she was not there at all. She says it's a good thing she +was not for if she had been she would have burst out laughing. But I +fancy if she'd seen what we saw she would have found there was nothing +to laugh at. + +June 7th. It's frightfully dull after dinner and in the evening before +bed time, especially because this year, since the affair at the front +door, Dora and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss it. I wish +Hella would come and stay with us for the 4 weeks. But she does not want +to. Father had work to do to-day, so I'm quite alone and feel as if I'd +like to cry. + +June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, Resi came to make +my bed, and we talked about the married couple opposite, and then she +told me awful things about a young married couple where she was once. +She left because they always went into the bath together; she says she's +certain that _something happened_ there. And then she told me about an +old gentleman who made _advances_ to her; but of course she would not +have anything to do with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he +would never have married a servant for he was a privy councillor. +Yesterday Father said: Poor little witch, it's very lonely for you now; +but look here, Resi is no fit company for you; when your little tongue +wants to wag, come to my room. And I was awfully stupid, I began to cry +like anything and said. "Father, please don't be angry, I'll never think +and never talk of such things any more." Father did not know at first +what I meant, but afterwards it must have struck him, for he was so kind +and gentle, and said: "No, no, Gretel, don't corrupt your youth with +such matters, and when there's anything that bothers you, ask Mother, +but not the servants. A girl of good family must not be too familiar +with servants. Promise me." And then, though I'm so big he took me on +his knee like a child and petted me because I was crying so. "It's all +right, little Mouse, don't worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. +Give me a nice kiss, and then I'll come with you to your room and stay +with you till you go to sleep." Of course I stayed awake on purpose as +long as I could, till a quarter to 11. + +And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora's bed so that when I +woke up early in the morning I really looked across to see if he had not +gone to bed there. But of course I'd only dreamed it. + +June 12th. To-morrow there's a great school excursion; I am so glad, a +whole day with Frau Doktor M. and without any lessons. We are going up +Eisernes Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the Fourth did not +want to go to the Anninger, but to the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did +not want to go there. + +June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and I spent the whole day with +Frau Doktor M.; in the afternoon Franke said: "I say, why do you stick +to Frau Doktor like that? One can't get a word with you." So then we went +for a good walk through the forest with Franke and she told us about a +student who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love with her. +For all students are in love with her, _so she says_. We were not much +interested in that, but then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly +engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town in Germany. Her +cousin is Frau Doktor's dressmaker, and she is quite certain of it. Her +parents are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are frantically +in love with one another and they intend to marry. And then we asked +Franke, since she is a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, +who was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us about the Jews. And +Franke said: "Oh yes, it is true I can confirm it in every point. But +it's not so bad about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in +this matter." No doubt she's right, but it's horrible to think that our +lovely and refined Frau Doktor M is going to have a cruel husband. Hella +says that if _she_ is satisfied, I don't need to get excited about it. +But perhaps she does not know that -- -- --. When we came out of the +wood the Herr Religionsprofessor who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor +M. called out: "Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!" And +everybody laughed because we'd come back. Father came to fetch Hella and +me, and since it was nearly 11 o'clock Hella stayed the night with us. +It was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry because I could +not have any more talk with Father. When we were getting up in the +morning we splashed one another and played the fool generally, so that +we were nearly late for school. The staff was still in high spirits, +including Professor Wilke, about whom we had not bothered ourselves all +day; that is he did not come until the afternoon when he came to meet +us on our way. We believe he is in love with Frau Doktor M. too, for +he went about with her all the time, and it was probably on her account +that he came. None of the other professors were there, for they were all +taking their classes in the different Gymnasiums. + +June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to school to-day at 9 and +suddenly we heard a tremendous rattling with a sword; that is Hella +heard it, for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, and she +said: "Hullo, that's an o-- in a frightful hurry," and looked round; "I +say, there's Viktor behind us" and he really was, he was saluting us and +he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; you'll excuse me won't +you, Fraulein Hella? He always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice +refined kind of a man he is that he should know my friend's name. Hella +said directly: "Don't mention it, Herr Oberleutenant, don't let me be +in your way if it's anything important," and she went over to the +other side of the street. He looked after her and said: "What a lovely, +well-mannered young lady your friend is." Then he came back to the main +point He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an answer to +his letter, because she can't fetch it from the post office, _poste +restante_. Then he implored me to enclose a letter from him in mine to +Dora. But since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him it was +not so simple as all that; but I knew of a splendid way out of the +difficulty; I would write to Mother and Dora _at the same time_, so +that Dora could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not noticing. +Viktor was awfully pleased and said: "You're a genius and a first-class +little schemer," and kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the +"little." If one's is so _little_, one can't very well be a schemer. +From the other side of the street Hella saw him kiss my hand. She says +I did not try to draw it away, but held it out to him like a grand lady +and even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of good family do +that sort of thing by instinct. It may be so, for I certainly did not +do it intentionally. In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just the +ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora with the enclosure, and +took it to the post _myself_. + +June 16th. I've already got so used to being alone with Father that I +take it as a matter of course. We often drive in the Prater, or go in +the evening to have supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella +comes with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora will write. I +forgot to write in my diary the other day that I asked Viktor if he was +really going to New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything of +the kind, that had only been a false alarm on the part of the Old Man. +That's what he calls his father. I don't think it's very nice of him, a +little vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can't stand him. In fact +Father does not like any officers very much, except Hella's father, but +then he's fairly old already. I say, Hella mustn't read that, it would +put her in an awful wax; but her father really is at least 4 or 5 years +older than Father. + +June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don't know what's the matter +with her. We were all frightfuly dull at school. The head took her +classes and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope she has +not got appendicitis, that would be awful. + +June 18th. _She_ isn't back yet. Frau Doktor Steiner says she has very +bad tonsillitis and won't be able to come for at least a week. + +June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. I'm furious. Not a word +about my sisterly affection, but only: "Many thanks for your trouble." +It's really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan't forget this in a +hurry. Hella says that she only hinted at it like that to be on the +safe side. But it's not true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Father +never reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of course. +Yesterday was the first time I stayed away from school since I went to +the High School. Early in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and +a headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better as the day went +on, but this morning I was worse again. Most likely I shall have to stay +at home for 2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, but it +really was not necessary. + +June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day she wanted to begin +talking once more about _various things_, but I said I did not +particularly care to hear about such matters, and then she implored me +never to tell Mother and Father anything about what she had said to us +about the young married couple; she said she would lose her place and +she would be awfully sorry to do that. + +June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there might have been a +frightful row; luckily Father was out. At half past 6, when Hella and I +were having a talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone out +too to fetch something so I answered the telephone, and it was Viktor! +"I must see you to-morrow morning early or at 1 o'clock; I waited for +you _in vain_ at 1 to-day." Of course, for I was still ill, that is +still am ill. But well or ill I must go to school to-morrow. If Father +had been at home; or even Resi, she might have noticed something. It +would have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her not to give me +away. Hella was frightfully cheeky, she took the receiver out of my hand +and said: "Please don't do this again, it's frightfully risky for my +friend." I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella said he certainly +deserved a lecture. + +To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall wear my new white dress. +It does look rather nice after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I've +taken to wearing snails, *** Father calls them "cow-pats;" but everyone +else says it's exceedingly becoming. + + *** Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.--Translators' + Note. + +June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he came up to us and said: "Can +a repentant sinner be received back into grace?" And he gave each of us +a lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and said: "I don't think we +need make any secret before your energetic friend." Really I did not +want to forward any more letters but I did not know how to say so +without offending him, for Dora's cheek is not his fault, and I did not +want to say anything to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because +Hella was there. There can't be more than 2 or 3 times more, so I shan't +bother. But _Dora_ doesn't deserve it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. +She saw us together the other day, and the next day she asked: Where did +you pick up that handsome son of Mars? Hella retorted: "Don't use such +common expressions when you are speaking of Rita's cousin." "Oh, a +cousin, that's why he kisses her hand I suppose?" Since then we only +speak to Franke when we are positively obliged. Not to speak to her at +all would be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak only a +little, she can't take offence. + +June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the old one who always +comes for Maths. He is so kind and gentle that all the girls can answer +everything; we like him better than the one who comes for languages. +Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up because he praised her. Good Lord, +I've been praised often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited. +Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I'd been absent 4 days. +Frau Doktor M. came back to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, I +don't know why; it's such a pity that she does not let us walk home with +her, except last year when there was all that fuss about Fraulein St.'s +bead bag. She bows to us all very politely when we salute her, but she +won't walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch is horribly +pushing and is always hanging about on the chance. + +June 26th. It's really stupid how anxious I am now at Communion lest +the host should drop out of my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly +sick. Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I don't know of +any, except that the accident which that girl Lutter in the Third had +made me even more anxious that I was before. Hella says I'd better turn +Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; for after Com. one +feels so pure and so much better than one was before. But I'm sorry to +say it does not last so long as it ought to. + +June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me about it. He was +awfully nice and said: If only your Mother is spared to us. She is far +from well. Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with Mother? And +Father said: "Well, dear, it's a hidden trouble, which has really been +going on for a long time and has now suddenly broken out." "Will she +have to have an operation?" "We hope we shall be able to avoid that. But +it's a terrible thing that Mother should be so ill." Father looked so +miserable when he said this that I did my best to console him and said: +"But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all right, or why should she +take them?" And Father said: "Well, darling, we'll hope for the best." +We went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother must take all +possible care of herself, and that perhaps in the autumn Aunt Dora would +come here to keep house. I asked Father, "Is it true that you don't like +Aunt Dora?" Father said: "Not a bit of it, what put that idea into +your head?" So I said: "But you do like Mother much better, don't you?" +Father laughed and said: "You little goose, of course I do, or I should +have married Aunt Dora and not Mother." I should have liked awfully +to ask Father a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss Dora, +especially in the evenings. + +July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school to-day. Professor W., +the traitor, did not come because he had confession and communion in +the Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything about the subject +so there was no one to take his class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor +took it, he had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. But +since the Jewish girls were there too, of course there was no religion +lesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. had a chat with us. He asked each of us +where we were going to spend the summer, and when I said I was going +to Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ to Rodaun! and several of the +other girls chimed in: _Only_ to Rodaun; why that's only a drive on the +steam tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally go to Tyrol +or Styria; I said so directly, and then Franke said: Last year too, I +think, you went somewhere quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--, +and then she stopped and made as if she had never heard of Hainfeld. Of +course that was all put on, but she's very angry because we won't speak +to her since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was to learn +what true friendship is. While I was getting still more angry, Hella +said: Rita's Mother is now in _Franzensbad, the world-famous health +resort_; she is ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and see her at least +once a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and said: Rodaun is +a lovely place. The air there is very fine and will certainly do your +Mother a lot of good. That's the chief thing, isn't it children? I hope +that God will spare all your parents for many years. When the Herr +Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, whose Mother died last winter, burst +out crying, and I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. +Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because I was annoyed because +we were only going to Rodaun. In the interval Franke said: After all, +there's no harm in going to Rodaun, that's no reason for crying. But +Hella said: "Excuse me, the Lainers can go anywhere they please, they +are so well off that many people might envy them. Besides, her Mother +and her sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is frightfully +expensive, and in Rodaun they have rented a house all for themselves. +Rita is crying because she is anxious about her Mother, not because +of anything you said." Of course we don't speak a word to Franke now. +Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did not like her at all when she +met her last year. Mother has a fine instinct in such matters. + +July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but Very Goods, except of +course in ---- Natural History! That was to be expected. What -- -- (I +can't bring myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. Nearly +all the girls who were still there brought Frau Doktor M. and Frau +Doktor St. flowers as farewell tokens. This time, Hella and I were +allowed to go with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we kiss her +hand she always blushes, and we love doing it. This summer holidays she +is going to -- -- -- _Germany_, of course; really Hella need not have +asked; it's obvious!!! + +July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. We are going to meet +them at the station. By the way, I'd quite forgotten. The other day +Father hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and when I lifted up +my table napkin it fell out, and Father said: In part payment of your +outlay on flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the flowers +did not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, for though they were +lovely ones, I only bought fresh ones every other day. Now I shall be +able to buy Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to the +station or put them on her table. On the one hand I'm awfully glad +Mother is coming home, but on the other hand I did like being alone with +Father for he always talked to me about everything just as he does to +Mother; that will come to an end now. + +July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I'm especially glad about +Mother; for one can see that she is quite well again. If we had not +taken the house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, for one +can't deny it would be much nicer. Dora looks quite a stranger. It's +absurd, for one can't alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite +different; she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. I have +had no chance yet to say anything about the "trouble," and she has not +alluded to it. In the autumn she will have to have a special exam. for +the Sixth because she went away a month before the end of term. Father +says that is only pro forma and that she must not take any lesson books +to the country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her Mother and Lizzi +are going first to Gastein and then to stay with their uncle in Hungary. +Life is dull without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without her I +was simply bored sometimes in the evening, at bedtime. Dora gives it +out that in Franzensbad people treated her as a grown-up lady. I'm sure +that's not true for anyone can see that she's a long way from being a +grown-up lady yet. + +July 11th. I can't think what's happened to Dora. When she goes out +she goes alone. She doesn't tell me when she is going or where, and +she hasn't said a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is back. +To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train of course, not by the steam +tram. The day after to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam +for his matriculation. He says that in every class there are at least +1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch in ours, he says they spoil +the pitch for the others, for, because of the swotters, the professors +expect so much more of the others and sit upon them. This may be so in +the Gymnasium, but certainly not at the High School. For though Verb. is +always sucking up to the staff, they can't stand her; they give her good +reports, but none of them really like her. Mother says the 13th is an +unlucky day, and it makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she +went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o'clock Mass as usual. +I never thought of praying for Oswald, and anyhow I think he'll get +through all right. + +July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he is through, that is he has +wired his favourite phrase: Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did +not worry Mother as he did over the written exam., when he made +silly jokes all the time. He won't be home until the 17th, for the +matriculation dinner is on the 15th. Father is awfully pleased too. +It's lovely here; of course we have not really got a whole house to +ourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on the first story; +in the mezzanin a young married woman lives, that is to say a _newly +married couple!!_ Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake with +horror and laughter combined. Resi must have thought of it too, for +she looked hard at Dora and me when she told us. But they have a baby +already, so they are not really a newly married couple any more. The +landlord, who lives on the same floor as us, is having a swing put +up for me in the garden for it is horrid not to have a swing in the +country. + +July 16th. At last Dora has said something to me about Viktor, but she +spoke very coldly; there must be something up; she might just as well +tell me; she really ought to seeing all that I've done. I have not seen +him since that last letter of June 27th; that time something must +have hap-- no that word means something quite different, there must be +something up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted with Gastein, she +writes that the only thing wanting is _me_. I can quite understand that, +for what I want here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to ask +whether we were not coming to H. this year; she said she had such a +frightful lot to tell me, and _she wants my advice_. I shall be very +glad to advise her, but I don't know what it is about. + +July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- But no, I must write it +all out in proper order. Oswald came home yesterday, he is in great form +and said jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he would fall +in love with her if she were not his sister. Just before it was time to +go to supper, Mother called us in, and I was rather annoyed when I saw +that it was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper in +his hand as he often does when he comes back from the office, and said: +"Dear Oswald and you two girls, I wanted to give you and especially +Oswald a little treat because of the matriculation." Aha, I thought, the +great prize after all! Then Father opened the paper and said: "You have +often wondered as children why we have no title of nobility like the +other Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got it back again +for you Oswald, and also for you two girls. Henceforward we shall call +ourselves Lanier von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles." Oswald +was simply speechless and I was the first to pull myself together and +give Father a great hug. But first of all he said: "Do credit to the +name." Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully long time, +and then he said: Thank you, Father, I shall always hold the name in +trust, and then they kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour +all through the evening, although Mother had ordered roast chicken and +Father had provided a bottle of champagne. I am frightfully happy; it's +so splendid and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the staff! +I'm frantically delighted. To-morrow I must write and tell Hella all +about it. + +July 19th. I've managed it beautifully. I did not want to write just: We +are now noble, so I put it all in the signature, simply writing Always +your loving friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi about it first +thing this morning, but Father scolded me about that at dinner time and +said it was quite unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your +head. Nothing of the sort, but it's natural that I should be frightfully +glad and Dora too has covered a whole sheet of paper writing her new +name. Father says it does not really make us any different from what +we were before, but that is not true, for if it were he would not have +bothered to revive the title. He says it will make it easier for Oswald +to get on, but I'm sure there's more in it than that. Resi told the +landlord about it and in the afternoon he and his wife called to +congratulate us. + +July 20th. Oswald says he won't stay here, it's much too dull, he is +going for a walking tour through the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to +the Karawanken. He will talk of Father as the "Old Man," and I do think +it is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely _flippant_. + +July 24th. Hella's answer came to-day; she congratulates me most +heartily, and then goes on to write that at first she was struck dumb +and thought I'd gone crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother +had already heard of it from her father for it had been published in the +Official Gazette. Now we are both noble, and that is awfully nice. For I +have often been annoyed that she was noble when I was not. + +July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him 300 crowns for his +walking tour, because of the matriculation. I said: "In that case I +shall matriculate as soon as I can" and Oswald said: "For that one wants +rather more brains in one's head than you girls have." What cheek, Frau +Doktor M. passed the Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner +passed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe I shall show you +that your sister can matriculate too; anyhow you have always said +yourself that the chief thing you need to get through the matriculation +is cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: "But we girls have not +got cheek, we _study_ when we have to pass an examination!" Mother +wanted us to make it up with him, but we would not. In the evening Dora +said to me: Oswald is frantically arrogant, though he has had such a lot +of Satisfactories and has only just scraped through his exam. By the way +here's another sample of Oswald's stupidity; directly after the wire: +"Finis with Jubilation" came another which ought to have arrived first, +for it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing but the word +"Through" [Durch]. Mother was frightfully upset by it for she was afraid +it really meant _failed_ [durchgefallen], and that the other telegram +had been only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend to such +horseplay. Father always says Oswald will sow all his wild oats at the +university, but he said to-day that he was not going to the university, +but would study mining, and then perhaps law. + +July 29th. It's sickeningly dull here, I simply don't know what to do; +I really can't read and swing the whole day long, and Dora has become as +dull as she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does she +not quarrel, but she won't talk, that is she won't talk about _certain +things_. She is perfectly crazy about the baby of the young couple +in the mezzanin; he's 10 months old, and I can't see what she sees to +please her in such a little pig; she's always carrying him about and +yesterday he made her all wet, I wished her joy of it. It made her +pretty sick, and I hope it will cure her infatuation. + +Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that will be a bit of a change. +To-morrow we are going to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan't want +our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that we can get away at +2 or half past. Hella has sent me to-day a lock-up box for letters, +etc.!!! of course filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to +tell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they are only going to +stay a month because it is frantically expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and +a bottle of beer 1 crown. And the rolls are so small that one simply has +to eat 3 for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it's awfully smart +in the hotel, several grooms; then there are masses of Americans and +English and even a consul's family from Sydney in Australia.--I spend +most of the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They are called Max +and Moritz, though of course one of them is a bitch. That is really a +word which one ought not to write, for it means something, at least in +its other meaning. + + + + +THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN + + +THIRD YEAR + + +July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the thirteenth. Mother gave me a +clock with a luminous dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course +that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; embroidered +collars; from Father, A Bad Boy's Diary, which one of the nurses lent +Hella when she was in hospital; it's such a delightfully funny book, but +Father says it's stupid because no boy could have written all that, a +new racquet with a leather case, an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis +balls from Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver edge. +Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket of cherries, red ones, and a +basket of currants and strawberries; the strawberries are only for me +for my birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin for winter +blouses. In the afternoon we went to the Par.-Berg. It would have been +awfully jolly if only Mother could have gone too or if Hella had been +there. + +August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She sends me many happy +returns, for she thinks it is on the 1st of August, and then comes the +chief thing. She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants to +escape from the cramping environment of her family, she simply can't +endure _the stifling atmosphere of home_. She has been to St. P. to +see the actor for whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite +something and said she had real dramatic talent; he would be willing +to train her for the stage, but only with her parents' consent. But of +course they will never give it. She writes that this has made her _so +nervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, in fact she can't +stand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ am her last hope. She would like +me to come to stay with them, or still better if she could come and stay +with us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell Mother about everything, +and perhaps it might be possible to arrange for her to live with us in +Vienna for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming to the +Raimund Theatre and she could begin her training there. At the end of +her letter she says that it rests with my discretion and my tact to make +her the happiest creature in the world! I don't really know what I +shall be able to do. Still, I've made a beginning; I said I found it +so frightfully dull--if only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or +even Marina. Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the country, in +Carinthia, and it's not likely that Ada will be able to come. Father, +too, is awfully sorry that I find it so dull, and so at supper he said: +Would you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age makes her a +better companion for you than Dora. You seemed to get on better together +last year. And then he said to Mother: Do you think it would bother you, +Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother said, "Not a bit; if Gretel would +like it; it's really her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad, +Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our little pet has not had +anything for herself; would you like it Gretel?" "Oh yes, Mother, I +should like it awfully, I'll write directly; it's no fun to me to carry +about that little brat the way Dora does, and jolly as the Bad Boy's +Diary is I can't read it all day." So I am writing to Ada directly, +just as if _I_ had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall be so +frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada really becomes a great +actress, like Wolter whom Mother is always talking of, then I shall +have done something towards helping Vienna to have a great actress and +towards making Ada the happiest creature in the world instead of the +unhappiest. + +August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything to Ada about our having +been ennobled, or as Dora says _re-ennobled_, since the family has been +noble for generations; she will find out about it soon enough when she +comes here. Mother keeps on saying: Don't put on such airs, especially +about a thing which we have not done anything particular to deserve. But +that's not quite fair, for unless Father had done such splendid service +in connection with the laws or the constitution or something two years +ago, sometimes sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would never +have been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can't see why Father and Mother +should have made such a secret about it last winter. They might just +as well have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to give us a real +surprise. And he did too; Dora's face and the way Oswald cleared his +throat!! As far as I can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort +of a face I was making. + +August 3rd. I've found out now why Dora is so different, that is why she +is again just as she was some time ago, before last winter. During the +4 weeks in Fr. she has _found a real friend in Mother!_ To-day I turned +the conversation to Viktor, and all she said at first was: Oh, I don't +correspond with him any more. And when I asked: "Have you had a quarrel, +and whose fault was it?" she said: "Oh, no, I just _bade him farewell_." +"What do you mean, bade him farewell; but he's not really going to +America, is he?" And then she said: "My dear _Rita_, we had better clear +this matter up; I parted from him upon the well-justified wish of our +_dear Mother_." I must say that though I'm _awfully, awfully_ fond of +Mother, I really can't imagine having her as a _friend_. How can one +have a true friendship with one's own mother? Dora really can't have the +least idea _what_ a _true friendship_ means. There are some things it's +impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, I could not possibly +ask her: Do you know what, _something has happened_, really means? +Besides, I'm not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 or 15 +or 16, people may have used quite different expressions, and the modern +phrases very likely did not then mean what they mean now. And what sort +of a friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You must not go out now, +the storm may break at any moment, and just the other evening: Dora you +_must_ take your shawl with you. Friendship between mother and daughter +is just as impossible as friendship between father and son. For between +friends there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what's even more +important is that one really can't talk about all the things that one +would like to talk of. All I said last night was: "Of course Mother has +forbidden you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call that +a friendship?" Then she said very gently: "No, Rita, Mother has not +forbidden me, but I recognise now that it was thoughtless of me to talk +to you about those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite soon +enough." I burst out laughing and said: "Is _that_ what you call the +seriousness of life? Have you really forgotten how screamingly funny we +found it all? It seemed to me that your memory has been affected by the +mud baths." She did not answer that. I do hope Ada will come. For _I_ +need _her_ now just as much as _she_ needs _me_. + +August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada's coming, but not directly because they +begin their family washing on the 5th and no one can be spared to come +over with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing I'm sorry about +is that _she_ will sleep in the dressing-room and not Dora. But Mother +says that Dora and I must stay together and that Ada can leave the door +into the dining-room open so that she won't feel lonely. + +August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. Dora is as mild and +gentle as a nun, but she talks to me just as little as a nun, and she's +eternally with Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some one in +Neulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. Thank goodness Ada is coming +to-morrow. Father and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. + +August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada is more than a head taller +than I am; Father said: "Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I +suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady now? And Ada said: +Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; please treat me just as you used to; +I am so happy to have come to stay with you." And her mother said: "Yes, +unfortunately she is happy anywhere but at home; _that is the way with +young people to-day_." Father helped Ada out and said: "Frau Haslinger, +the sap of life was rising in us once, but it's so long ago that we have +forgotten." And then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if she were +suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm and said under her breath: "Can +you imagine what my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the night +here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about everything under +the sun" (that's what Ada told me just before we went to bed); but I did +not pay much attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I'm positively +burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to talk to me about. +To-morrow morning, directly after breakfast! + +August 12th. For 3 days I've had no time to write, Ada and I have had +such a lot to say to one another. She _can't_ and _won't_ live any +longer without art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. She +still has to spend a year at a continuation school and must then either +take the French course for the state examination or else the needlecraft +course. But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in her spare +time she can study for the stage under Herr G. She says she is not in +love with him any longer, that he is only a _means to an end_. She would +sacrifice _anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understand +what she meant by anything, but she explained to me. She has read +Bartsch's novel Elisabeth Kott, the book Mother has too, and a lot of +other novels about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, that +_a woman cannot become a true artist until she has experienced a great +love_. There may be something in it. For certainly a _great love_ does +make one _different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was madly in +love with Viktor, and the way she's relapsed now!! She is learning Latin +again, to make up for lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her +plans because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she mentioned +before Dora that whatever happened she wanted to come to Vienna in the +autumn so that she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: You are +making a mistake, even people who live in Vienna don't go to the theatre +often; for first of all one has very little time to spare, and secondly +one often can't get a seat; people who live in the country often fancy +that everything is much nicer in Vienna than it really is. + +August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when Ada was having a bath +Mother said to _us two_: "Girls, I've something to tell you; I don't +want you to get a fright in the night. Ada's mother told me that Ada is +very nervous, and often walks in her sleep." "I say," said I, "that's +frightfully interesting, she must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it always +happens when the moon is full." Then Mother said: "Tell me, Gretel, how +do you know about all these things? Has Ada talked to you about them?" +"No," said I, "but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep and +Berta Franke told Hella and me about it." It has just struck me that +Mother said: how do you know about all _these_ things? So it must have +something to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask Ada, or whether +she would be offended. I'm frightfully curious to see whether she will +walk in her sleep while she is staying here. + +August 15th. Hella's answer came to-day to what I had written her about +the _friendship_ between Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believe +either that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, for it is no +reason at all. Lizzi has never had any particular friendship with her +mother, and Hella could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinks +I'm perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one's parents, but +there simply can't be any question of a friendship. She would not stand +it if I were so changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can never +have had a true friendship, and that is why she has taken up with Mother +now. The Bruckners are coming back on the 19th because everything is so +frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most likely they will go to +stay with their uncle in Hungary, or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. For +Hella's name day I have sent her A Bad Boy's Diary because she wanted +to read it again. Now we have both got it, and can write to one another +which are the best bits so that we can read them at the same time. + +August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in her sleep_, probably +we should never have noticed it, but she began to recite Joan of Arc's +speech from The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once and +said: "I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her sleep." We did not +stir, and she went into the dining-room, but the dining-room door was +locked and the key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, +and then she knocked up against Mother's sofa and that woke her up. It +was horrible. And then she lost her way and came into our room instead +of going into her own; but she was already awake and begged our pardon +and said she'd been looking for the W. Then she went back to her own +room. Dora said we had better pretend that we had not noticed it, for +otherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after breakfast she +said: "I suppose I gave you an awful fright last night; don't be vexed +with me, I often get up and walk about at night, I simply can't stay in +bed. Mother says I always recite when I am walking like that; do I? Did +I say anything?" "Yes," I said, "you recited Joan of Arc's speech." "Did +I really," said she, "that is because they won't let me go on the stage; +I'm certain I shall go off my head; if I do, you will know the real +reason at any rate." This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, +but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, and it's perfectly +true what Dora has always said: One never knows what Ada is really +looking at. It would be awful if she were really to go off her head. +I've just remembered that her mother was once in an asylum. I do hope +she won't go mad while she is staying here. + +August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before last. She is so glad +that she had warned us, and Dora says that if she had not known it +beforehand she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. Father +said: "Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has inherited it from her +mother." In the autumn Lizzi is going to England to finish her education +and will stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and sorry as I am +for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, and I'm really glad that she's +going home again on Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day: +Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because he was +once an officer in the army; she says that all officers have venereal +disease, as a matter of course. At first I did not want to show that I +did not understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked her and +Ada told me that what was really amiss was that _that_ part of the body +either gets continually smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or +else gets continually larger because it is so frightfully swollen; the +last kind is much better than the other, for then an operation can +help; a retired colonel who lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for +_this_; but it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for a man +with a venereal disease, that a young girl should _give herself_ to a +man suffering from it! (Mad. often said that too), then she gets the +disease and he is cured. That made Ada understand that she did not +really love A., but only wanted him to train her; for she could never +have done that for him, and she did not know how she could propose +_that_ to him even _if_ she had been willing to. Besides, it is +generally the man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I said: +"But just imagine, what would you do if you got a baby that way," and +she said: "That does not come into the question, for when a man has +venereal disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But after +all, only a woman who has had a baby can become a true artist." Franke, +who has a cousin on the stage said something of the same sort to Hella +and me; but we thought, Franke's cousin is only in the Wiener Theatre, +and that might be true there; but it may be quite different in the Burg +Theatre and in the Opera and even in the People's Theatre. I told Ada +about this, and she said: Oh, well, I'm only a girl from the provinces, +but I have known for ages that _every_ actress has a child. + +23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read us a passage from a +splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, even Dora said: "Ada, you are +really phenominal!" Then she flung the book away and wept and sobbed +frightfully and said: "My parents are sinning against their own flesh +and blood; but they will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy +woman foretold of me last year: 'A _great_ but _short_ career after +many difficult struggles; and my line of life is broken!' That will +all happen as predicted, and my mother can recite that lovely poem of +Freiligrath's or Anastasius Grun's, or whosever it is 'Love as long +as thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. The hour draws on, the hour +draws on, when thou shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan.'" +Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to bed I kept on +thinking of it and could not go to sleep. + +August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about the sleep-walking, and +she said that it was really so, when she walked in her sleep it was +always at _that time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it was +last year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten her mother, when +her mother had first told her she would not be allowed to go on the +stage. It does not seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely +to gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone is coming to +fetch her home, and for that reason she was crying all the morning. + +August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her mother and Lizzi. Hella had +a splendid time in Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with me, +to tell me something important. That made it rather inconvenient that +Ada was still there. Hella never gets on with Ada, and she says too that +one never really knows what she is looking at, she always looks right +through one. We could not get a _single minute_ alone together for a +talk. I do hope Hella will be able to come over once more before she +goes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol because an +old friend of her mother's from Berlin is staying there. + +August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father came to fetch her. He says +she has a screw loose, because she wants to go on the stage. + +August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was alone and I met her at +the steam tram. At first she did not want to tell me what the important +thing was because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she got +it out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since Hella knows Lisel because +they used to go to gym. together, they had a talk, and that cheeky +Robert said: Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time in +er . . . er . . ., and then he pretended he could not remember where it +was; and he spoke of _that time_ as if it had been 10 years ago. But the +most impudent thing of all was this; he said that I had not wanted to +call him Bob, because that always made me think of a certain part of +the body; I never said anything of the kind, but only that I thought +Bob silly and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got intimate): +"Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer that you should use my full +name." I remember it as well as if it had happened this morning, and I +know exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. Hella took +him up sharply: That may be all quite true, we have never discussed +such trifles, and, at that time we were "all, _every one of us_, still +nothing but children." Of course she meant to include ----. I won't even +write his name. Another thing that made me frightfully angry is that he +said: I dare say your friend is more like you now, but at that time she +was still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: "That's not the +sort of phrase that it's seemly to use to a young lady," and she would +not speak to him any more. I never heard of such a thing, what business +is it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks that I was +not quite particular enough in my choice of companions. She says that +Bob is still nothing but a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, +Bob--Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; that is if we +ever speak of him at all. When we don't like some one we shall call him +simply Bob, or better still B., for we really find it disagreeable to +say Bob. + +August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, Hella has gone to +Hungary, and I hardly ever talk to Dora, at least about anything +_interesting_. Ada's letters are full of nothing but my promises about +Vienna. It's really too absurd, I never promised anything, I merely said +I would speak to Mother about it when I had a chance. I have done so +already, but Mother said: There can be no question of anything of the +kind. + +September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella's father is going to take +me to K-- M--in Hungary to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted. +Hella is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her father said: She +can ask for anything she likes. But she did not think of anything in +particular, and had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up this +wish. And after she had been here she wrote to her father in Cracow, +where he is at manoeuvres, saying that if he would like to grant her her +chief wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to take me with +him to K-- M--; this was really the _greatest wish_ she had ever had +in her life! So Colonel Bruckner called at Father's office to-day and +showed him Hella's letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the State Railway +terminus. Unfortunately that's a horrid railway. The Western Railway is +much nicer, and I like the Southern Railway better still. + +September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I'm going to Vienna alone and I +have to change at Liesing, I do hope I shall get into the right train. +I got a letter from Hella first thing this morning, in which she wrote: +"Perhaps we shall be together again in a few days." That's all she said +about that; I suppose she did not know yet whether I was really coming. +Mother will have to send my white blouses after me, because all but one +are dirty. I'm going to wear my coat and skirt and the pink blouse. I'm +going to take twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for I'm +going to write whatever happens, in the mornings I expect, because in +the holidays I'm sure Hella will never get up before 9; on Sundays in +Vienna she would always like to lie in bed late, but her father won't +let her. + +But whatever happens I won't learn to ride, for it must be awful to +tumble off before a strange man. It was different for Hella, for Jeno, +Lajos, and Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode close +beside her with his arm round her waist: but that would not quite do in +my case. + +September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like Jeno best, he goes +about with me everywhere and shows me everything; Hella is fondest of +Lajos and of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, for +he was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year Lajos will be a lieutenant, +and this autumn Jeno is going to the military academy, Erno has a slight +limp, nothing bad, but he can't go into the army; he is going to be a +civil engineer, not here, he is to go to America some day. + +I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have gone to S. on their +cycles and I have never learned. + +It was lovely on the journey! It's so splendid to travel with an +officer, and still more when he is a colonel. All the stationmasters +saluted him and the guards could not do enough to show their respect. Of +course everyone thought I was his daughter, for he has always said "Du" +to me since I was quite a little girl. But to Ada Father always says +"Sie." We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever it is called, +and Hella's father hired a carriage and it took us 2 hours to drive to +K-- M--. He was awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it was +only half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters tumbling over +each other to serve him. It s just the same with Father, except that the +stationmasters don't all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished +too, but he is not in uniform. + +Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von Kraics came yesterday +from Radufalva, his best friend left him the Radufalva estate out of +gratitude, because 8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the +friend was in love. It's true, Colonel Bruckner says that K. is a +wretched milksop; but I don't think so at all; he has such fiery eyes, +and looks a real Hungarian nobleman. Hella says that he used to run +himself frantically into debt, because every six months he had an +_intimacy_ with some new woman; and all the presents he gave _reduced +him almost to beggary_. Still, it's difficult to believe that, for +however fond a woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not quite +see why that should reduce anyone to beggary. Before we went to sleep +last night Hella told me that Lajos had already been "infected" more or +less; she says there is not an officer who has not got venereal disease +and that is really what makes them so frightfully interesting. Then I +told her what Ada had told me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said: +I doubt if that's all true; of course it is more likely since he was +an actor, and especially since he was in the army at one time, but +generally speaking civilians are _wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she could +not stand that in her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically; +that's a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, and she would +never marry a man who had not _lived_. Most girls, especially when +they get a little older; want the very opposite! and then it suddenly +occurred to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why Dora _bade +farewell_ to _Lieutenant R_., and not the _friendship with Mother_; +it is really awfully funny, and no one would have thought it of her. +Hella's father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. Hella's +uncle hardly ever says anything, and when he does speak he is difficult +to understand; Hella's father says that his sister-in-law wears the +breeches. That would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. "But +not too much so" says Hella. She always gets cross when her father says +that about wearing breeches. I got an awful start yesterday; we went +out on the veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found Hella's +great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. She told me about him once, +that he's quite off his head, not really paralysed but only pretends to +be. Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when she was only +9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her a thrashing. But her uncle came +in, and then he let her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she is +awfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his room, and he has a male +attendant, because no nurse can manage him. He ought really to be in an +asylum but there is no high class asylum in Hungary. + +September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus this morning; the great +uncle, the people here call him "kutya mog" or however they spell it, +and it means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. He can +walk with a stick, our room is on the ground floor, and he came and +planted himself in front of the window when Hella was washing and I was +just getting out of bed. Then Hella's father came and made a tremendous +row and the uncle swore horribly in Hungarian. Before dinner we +overheard Hella's father say to Aunt Olga: "They would be dainty morsels +for that old swine, those innocent children." We did laugh so, _we_ +and _innocent children!!!_ What our fathers really think of us; we +innocent!!! At dinner we did not dare look at one another or we should +have exploded. Afterwards Hella said to me: "I say, do you know that we +have the same name day?" And when I said: "What do you mean, it seems to +me you must have gone dotty this morning," she laughed like anything +and said: "Don't you see, December 27th, Holy Innocents' Day!" Oh it +did tickle me. She knew that date although she's a Protestant because +December 27th is Marina's birthday, and in our letters we used to speak +of that deceitful cat as "The Innocent." + +The three boys and I have begun to use "Du" to one another, at supper +yesterday Hella's father said to Erno: "You seem frightfully ceremonious +still, can't you make up your minds to drop the 'Sie?'" So we clinked +glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and I were standing at the window +admiring the moon, he said: "You Margot, that was not a real pledge of +good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; hurry up, before +anyone comes," and before I could say No he had given me a kiss. After +all it was all right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with +Lajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, or Ilonka as they +call her here. + +Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing one another, and Lajos +said: "Look Ilonka, they are setting us a good example." We are so +awfully happy here. It's such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and Lajos +have got to leave for the Academy, where Jeno is to enter and Lajos is +in his third year: Erno, the least interesting of the three, is staying +till October. But that is always the way of life, beautiful things pass +and the dull ones remain. We go out boating every day, yesterday and +to-day by moonlight. The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we +are always terrified that it will upset. And then they say: "You have +your fate in your own hands; buy your freedom and you will be as safe as +in Abraham's bosom." + +September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since what happened the other +day; whenever he sees us he threatens us with his stick, and though we +are not really afraid, because he can't do anything to us, still it's +rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of things, stories and sagas one +has read. That is the only thing I don't quite like here. But we are +leaving on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often come to see +the Bruckners; I'm awfully glad. I don't know why, I always fancied that +they could only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though they +always speak it at home when they are alone. Hella told me to-day for +the first time that all the flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday +in hospital had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell me at +that time because he wished her to keep it a secret. This has made me +rather angry, for I see that I have been much franker with her than she +has been with me. + +September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we stayed up till midnight +last night. We had been to N-- K--, I don't know how to spell these +Hungarian names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It was +lovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially as it is raining +as well. It's the first time it's rained since I came. Partings are +horrid, especially for the ones left behind; the others are going to new +scenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything is hatefully +dull and quiet. In the afternoon Hella and I went into Jeno's and Lajos' +room, it had not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. Then +Hella suddenly began sobbing violently, and she flung herself on Lajos' +bed and kissed the pillow. _That_ is how she loves him! I'm sure _that_ +is the way Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable of +_such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and intimate friendship +with Mother_. Hella says she has always been in love with Lajos, but +that _her eyes were first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me going +about together and talking to one another. Now she will love Lajos for +evermore. Next year they will probably get engaged, she can't be engaged +till she is 14 for her parents would not allow it. It is for her sake +that he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars best. +They all _live frightfully hard_, and are tremendously smart. + +September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back In Vienna, and Father, +Mother, and Dora came back from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too +funny; since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep Dora is afraid +she has been _infected_. She does not seem to know what the word really +means! And while I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept in +our room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. Of course no one takes +to walking in their sleep simply from sleeping alone, but that was only +a pretext; Dora has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather +a coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If Father had been +afraid too, I suppose I should have had to come back post-haste, and +if I had been afraid to travel alone, and there had been no one to come +with me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I told them so. +Father laughed like anything at my "_combinations_," and Dora got in a +frightful wax. She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_ +she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love enobles +[veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about that when he heard Hella say +it once. He said: "You've made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say: +Love makes fools of people [vereselt]." Of course that's because he's not +in love with anyone. + +September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau Doktor M. is perfectly +fascinating, she looks splendid and she said the same to both of us. +Thank goodness she's the head of our class again. In French we have a +new mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly hideous, covered with +pimples, a thing I simply can't stand in any one; Hella says we must be +careful never to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch +them. In Maths and Physics we have another new mistress, she is a Doktor +too, and she speaks so fast that none of us can understand her; but +she looks frightfully clever, although she is very small. We call her +"_Nutling_" because she has such a tiny little head and such lovely +light-brown eyes. Otherwise the staff is the same as last year, and +there are a few new girls and some have left, but only ones we did not +know intimately. This is Franke's last year at the Lyz., she will be +16 in April and has a splendid figure. Her worst enemy must admit that. +Dora is having English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfully +pleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and it will help her +too in her matriculation. + +September 25th. Yesterday and the day before Mother was so ill that the +doctor had to be sent for at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she +is better now. But on such days I simply can't write a word in my diary; +I feel as if I oughtn't to. And the days seem everlasting, for nobody +talks much, and it's awful at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, +lying on the sofa. + +September 29th. I've had such an awful toothache since the day before +yesterday. Dora says it's only an ache for a gold filling like Frau +Doktor M.'s. Of course that's absurd; for first of all, surely I ought +to know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and secondly the dentist says +that the tooth really is decayed. I have to go every other day and +I can't say I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such a +frightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is really very nice, if +one could only understand better what she says, but she talks at such a +rate that in the Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. +Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, not even an endearing +one. The only one that could possibly be given to her is Angel, and that +could not be a real name, it's quite unmeaning. In the drawing class we +are going to draw from still life, and, best of all, animal studies too, +I am so delighted. + +October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were coming home from the Imperial +Festival, we met Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see +us. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking with 3 other officers +whom neither I nor Hella know. We were frightfully angry because he +did not recognise us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were both +wearing our big new autumn hats, which shade our faces very much. + +October 11th. There was a frightful row in the drawing lesson to-day. +Borovsky had written a note to one of her friends: "The little Jewess, +F. (that means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia with her +horsehair pate with or without inhabitants." Something of that sort +was what she had written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, +Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment and seized the note. +"Who is F.?", she asked, but no one answered. That made her furious and +she put the note in her pocket. At 1 o'clock, when the lesson was over, +Borovsky went up to her and asked her for the note. Then she asked once +more: "Who is F.?" And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help +Borovsky out, said: "She forgot to write Frau Doktor Fuchs." Then the +row began. I can't write it all down, it would take too long; of course +Borovsky will be expelled. She cried like anything and begged and +prayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein Scholl says she is +going to give the letter to the head. + +October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up with a chill, so Frl. +Scholl gave the note to Frau Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good +because Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, and bad because +Frau Doktor M. was frightfully angry. She gave us a fine lecture about +True Good Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was not mixed +up in the business, for she did give Borovsky and Fellner a rating. It's +probably true, then, that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that +_she_ above all should be going to have a cruel husband; at least if all +that Resi told us is true; and I expect there is some truth in it. We +are frightfully curious to know whether the Nutling has heard anything +about it and if so what she will do. + +October 13th. I don't think the Nutling can have heard anything for she +seemed just as usual; but Hella thinks and so do I that she would not +show anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow it was horridly +vulgar; one is not likely to pass it on to the person concerned. Why we +think she does not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner +were called up. + +October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought Dora's handkerchiefs +with her monogram and the coronet, lovely; I want some like them for +Christmas. And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, +these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the coronet upon +everything. By the way, here is something I'd forgotten to write: In one +of the first days of term Father gave each of us one of his new visiting +cards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau Doktor M. and Dora +hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to have the names properly entered in the +class lists. Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau Doktor M. +was awfully sweet. She said: "Well, Lainer, I suppose you are greatly +pleased at this rise in rank?" And I said: "Oh yes, I'm awfully +delighted, but only inside," then she said: That's right; "Religion, +name, and money do not make the man." Was not that charming! I write the +v before my name awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. What a +shame that she is not noble! _She_ would be worthy of it!! + +October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, he is to study mining, +but _against_ Father's will. But Father says that no one must be forced +into a profession, for if he is he will always say throughout life that +he only became this or that on compulsion. The other evening Dora said +that Oswald had only chosen mining in order to get away from home; if he +were to study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get away from +Vienna, and that is the chief thing to him. Besides, he is a bit of a +humbug; for when he came home from Graz after matriculation he said in +so many words: "How delightful to have one's legs under one's own table +again and to breathe the _family atmosphere_." Dora promptly said to +him: "Hm, you don't seem to care so very much about home, for always +when you come home for the holidays the first thing you do is to make +plans for getting away." For she is annoyed too that Oswald can +travel about wherever he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being +"_subjected to intolerable supervision"!!_ What about us? He can stay +out until 10 at night and _never_ comes to afternoon tea, and in fact +does just what he likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just ever +so little late, there's a fine row. As for the lectures poor Dora had +to endure when Viktor was waiting for her, I shall never forget them. +Of course she denies it all now, but I was present at some of them so +I know; otherwise he would not have called me "the Guardian Angel." She +behaves now as if she had forgotten all about that, so I often remind +her of it on purpose when we are alone together. The other day she said: +"I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don't speak any more of that matter; I +have buried the affair for ever." And when I said: "Buried, what do you +mean? A true love can't simply be _buried_ like that," she said: "It was +not a true love, and that's all there is to say about it." + +October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in the arithmetic lesson +to-day. All of a sudden Hella flushed dark red and I thought to myself: +Aha, that's it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has it +begun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me directly, she will be +14 in February and _it_ will certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said: +Lainer, what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came up to +the desk and took the black-line paper. "What does that mean: Has it +begun???" Perhaps she really did not know what I meant, but several of +the girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in a terrible fright. +But Hella was simply splendid. "Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked +whether the frost had begun yet." "And that's the way you spend your +time in the mathematics lesson?" But thank goodness that made things all +right. Only in the interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably +stupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write a thing like that +for? _When_ it begins, _of course_ she will let me know directly. As a +matter of fact it has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it will +be better to say "Endt," a sort of portmanteau word of _developed_ +[entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That will really be splendid +and Hella says that I happened upon it in a lucid interval. It's really +rather cheeky of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one's +friend. She absolutely insists that I must never again put her in such +a fix in class. Of course it happened because I am always thinking: Now +then, this is the day. + +November 8th. On Father's and Dora's birthday Mother was so ill that +we did not keep it at all. I was in a terrible fright that Mother was +seriously ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won't even think it; +one simply must not write it down even if one is not superstitious. Aunt +Dora came last week to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating, +for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse just when we are +away. As soon as she is able to get up for long enough Father is going +to take her to see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it must +be true that Mother's illness comes from _that_. + +November 16th. Oh it's horrible, Mother has to have an operation; I'm so +miserable that I can't write. + +November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she wants us to go skating to +take our thoughts off the operation. But Dora says too that it would be +brutal to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation in a few +days. Father said to us yesterday evening: "Pull yourselves together +children, set your teeth and don't make things harder for your poor +Mother." But I can't help it, I cry whenever I look at Mother. + +November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since Mother went away; we had +to go to school and we believed she would not leave until the afternoon, +but the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that Father had arranged +all that because I could not control myself. Well, who could? Dora cries +all day; and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. + +November 28th. Thank goodness, it's all safely over, Mother will be +home again in a fortnight. I'm so happy and only now can I realise how +_horribly_ anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother at the +hospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always go all together, that +is either with Father or with Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does +go to see Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day about the +flowers, she behaves as if Mother were only _her_ mother. On Thursday, +the first time we saw Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, +although the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunately +yesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we were, and Father said that seeing +so many people at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must go away. +Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma and Marina had better go away, +but Aunt did not understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt come? +We hardly ever meet since the trouble about Marina and that jackanapes +Erwin; only when there is a family party; Oswald says it's not a family +gathering but a family dispersal because nearly always some one takes +offence. + +November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ with Mother. At school I +said I had an awfully bad headache and asked if I might go home before +the French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother was that Frau Doktor +Dunker was ill, so we had no lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies +to an invalid, but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella's mother always +calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, because Frau +Doktor Dunker has nothing to do with the Fourth, so Dora won't hear +anything about it. Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able to +see _me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora does go alone. +Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara said she was a perfect angel in +goodness and patience. Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe +me. At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything about it, +but when we were putting on our things after dinner to go and see Mother +I said en passant as it were: "This is the second time I shall be seeing +Mother to-day." And when Dora said: What do you mean? I said quite +curtly: "One of our lessons did not come off, and so I took the chance +_too_ of being able to see Mother _alone_." Then she said: Did the +porter let you in without any trouble? It surprises me very much that +such _very_ young girls, who are almost children still, are allowed to +go in alone. Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: "Oh well, +nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both of you_ can go alone to +the hospital all right." On the way we did not speak to one another. + +December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took Mother a big flower pot, and +tied to the stick was a label on which Father had written; "Being ill +is punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense of Section 7 the +Mothers' and Housewives' Act." Mother was frightfully amused. The doctor +says she is going on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in a +few days. + +December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the evening when we were leaving +the dining-room Father said: "Gretl you have forgotten something." And +when I came back he took me by the hand and said: "Why didn't you tell +me that you want so much to see Mother _alone_? You need not make such +a secret of it." And then I burst out crying and said: "Yes, I need not +keep it secret from you, but I don't like Dora to know all about it. +Did she tell you what happened the other day?" But Father does not know +anything about my pretended headache, but only that I wanted so much to +see Mother alone. He was awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying: +"You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you always will be." +But I got away as quick as I could, for I felt so ashamed because of my +fibbing. If it were not for Dora I'm sure I should never tell any lies. + +December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went to see Mother in the +morning, and Aunt and Dora went in the afternoon. And since Father had +to go into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a friend, I went on +alone to see Mother and he came in afterwards. Mother asked me about my +Christmas wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she should +get well and live for ever. I was awfully glad that Dora was not there, +for I could never have got that out before her. Still, she made me +tell her my wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs with +"monogram and coronet," visiting cards with _von_, a satchel like that +which most of the girls in the _higher_ classes have, and the novel +Elizabeth Kott. But I am not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified +and said: My darling child, that's not the sort of book for you; who on +earth put that into your head; Ada, I suppose? From what I know of your +tastes, it really would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, +but I'm certain I should not find the book stupid. + +December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; we did not know what time +she was coming, but only that it was to be to-day. And because I was +so glad that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three songs, and +Mother said: That is a good omen when one is greeted with a song. +Then Dora was annoyed because _she_ had not thought of singing. We had +decorated the whole house with flowers. + +December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for Mother and Dora is +making her a footstool so that she can sit quite comfortably when she is +reading. For Father we have bought a new brief bag because his own is so +shabby that it makes us quite ashamed; but he always says: "It will do +for a good while yet." For a long time I did not know what to get for +Aunt Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace fichu; for she is +awfully fond of lace. I am giving Hella a sketch book and a pencil case; +she draws beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora I am +getting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette case with a horse's head +on it, for he is frightfully taken up with racing and the turf. + +December 16th. Owing to Mother's illness I've had simply no time to +write anything about the school, although there has been a _great +deal_ to write about, for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again, +although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most of the girls can't +bear the Nutling because she makes such favourites of the Jewish girls. +It's quite true that she does, for example Franke, who is never any +good, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and Physics; and she +lets Weinberger do anything she likes. I always get Excellent both +for school work and prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but +Berbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is no longer the +favourite as she was with Frau Doktor St. The other day it was quite +unpleasant in the Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happened +to be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would be as a decimal +fraction; so we went on talking about recurring [periodic] decimals and +every time she used the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, but +luckily some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage and simply +screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St's lesson in the First, some of the +girls giggled at the same thing and she went on just as if she had not +noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic places_, and +then one does not think of the real meaning so much. Frau Doktor F. said +she should complain to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly behaviour. +But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella and I simply +exchanged glances and understood one another at once. I can't endure +that idiotic giggling. + +December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he's fine. It's quite true that +he has really had a moustache for a long time, but was not allowed to +grow it at the Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes every +Saturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He always says that at the +Gymnasium everything manly is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not +a man and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a splendid moustache +now. Hella did not recognise him at first and drew back in alarm, she +only knew him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned it up, and +find that she has not seen him since the Easter before last. At first +he called her Fraulein, but her mother said: Don't be silly. It did not +seem silly to me, but most polite!!! + +December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald is home again and he +really is awfully nice; he is giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron +group representing a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground +some roe deer as if in a pasture. + +December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother was very well +yesterday, and it has not done her any harm to stay up so long. I am so +happy. We both got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, they +have been made out of some earrings which Mother never wears now. But +the nice thing about it is that they are made from her earrings. +The satchel and Stifter's Tales are awfully nice and so are the +handkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. Hella gave me a +reticule with my monogram and the coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora +and me small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze groups. We really +need two writing tables, but there is no room for two. So I am going +to arrange the little corner table as my writing table and have all my +things there. + +December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it was really awful. Hella's +mother is perfectly right; when anyone looks like _that_ she ought not +to pay visits when she knows that other people may be there. Hella told +me the day before yesterday how frightfully noticeable it is in her +cousin that she is in an i-- c--! Her mother was very much put out on +her account and she wanted to prevent Emmy's standing up. We were simply +disgusted and horrified. But her husband is awfully gentle with her; She +is certainly not pretty and especially the puffiness under her eyes is +horrid. They say that many women look like that when they are pr. She +was wearing a _maternity dress_, and that gives the whole show away! +Hella says that some women look awfully pretty when they are in an i-- +c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I shall be one of the first +kind, if I ever . . . No, it is really horrible, even if it makes one +pretty; when I think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like last +summer, yet Father has always said she is a a perfect beauty. Really no +one is pretty in an i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to her +room, and she said it had really been too much for her and that she +could not have stood it much longer. And we went on talking about it for +such a long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. On Sunday +Emmy and her husband are coming to dine with the Brs., and Hella begged +me to ask her to dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of +course she is coming here and thank goodness that will save her from +feeling ill. And then she said that I must not think she wanted to come +to us because of Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understand +that perfectly well, and she does not need to make any excuses to me. + +29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing a new dress, a light +strawberry colour, and it suited her admirably. In the evening Oswald +said: "two or three years more, and Hella will look ripping." It does +annoy me so this continual _will_. Hella's father simply said of me +that I _was_ charming,, and not that idiotic: I _was going to become_ +charming. I do hate the way people always talk out into the future. +However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. In the afternoon, +when Hella and I were talking about him, I wanted to turn the +conversation to Lajos, but she flushed up and said he was utterly false, +for since October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, just +when they were going to the theatre. Of course he says he does not care +a jot about the visits unless he can see her alone. She can't realise +that that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it perfectly. +But it is really monstrous that Jeno has asked after me only once, quite +casually. And he really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But +that's what young men are like. The proverb really applies to them: Out +of sight out of mind. + +December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but only in the morning for a +quarter of an hour. Not a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in +the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in an appearance, though +I'm sure she was at home. He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has +the same lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well-cut lips; +but he is very tall and she is quite small half a head shorter than +Mother. We owe them a call, but I don't much think that we shall go. + +December 31st. I really have no time, since this is New Year's Eve, but +I simply _must_ write. Dora and I went skating this morning, and we met +Viktor on the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke to us; +Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her and said that she must allow +him to have a talk, so he came skating with us since she would not go to +a confectioner's with him. She was certainly quite right not to go to +a confectioner's. Of course I don't know what they talked about, but in +the afternoon Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye to +me; it's impossible that he can have forgotten, so either I must have +been too far away at the time, or else Dora did not want him to; most +likely the latter. I'm frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately +in love with her. But she won't come to her senses until it is too +late. I don't think she has said a word to Mother either. But all the +afternoon she was playing melancholy music, and that shows how much she +had felt it. + +January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write because we had callers, +pretty dull for the most part, the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. +is such a stupid creature, and I don't believe she knows the first thing +about _those matters_; Annie is not quite all there, Lotte is the only +tolerable one. Still, since we played round games for prizes, it was not +as dull as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite nice boys. +In the evening Mother was so tired out that Father said he really must +put a stop to all this calling; I can't say I care much myself for +_that_ sort of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about +_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull books whenever +they have nothing else to say. School began again to-day, with a German +lesson thank goodness. Though I'm not superstitious in general, I must +say I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing in the morning we +met two chimneysweeps, and without our having tried to arrange it in any +way they passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck. + +January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday evening -- -- -- --! +She did not come to school yesterday, for the day before she felt +frightfully bad, and her mother really began to think she was going to +have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of that!!! She looks so ill +and interesting, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her; and +at first she did not want to tell me what was the matter. But when I +said I should go away if she did not tell me, she said: "All right, but +you must not make such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look +at me." "Very well," I said, "I won't look, but tell me everything about +it." So then she told me that she had felt frantically bad, as if she +was being cut in two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, +and then she had frantically high fever and shivered at the same time, +all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- tableau!! And then her mother told +her the chief things, though she knew them already. Earlier on Friday +the doctor had said: "Don't let us be in a hurry to think about a +relapse, there may be _other!!_ causes." And then he whispered to her +mother, but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew directly +what time of day it was. She acted the innocent to her mother, as if she +knew nothing at all, and her mother kissed her and said, now you are not +a child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. How absurd, so +_I_ am still a child! After all, on July 30th I shall be 14 too, and at +least one month before I shall have it too, so I shan't be a _child_ for +more than six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, but she is +really a little puffed up about it; she won't admit that she is, but I +noticed it quite clearly. The only girl I know who did not put on airs +when that happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is awfully shy, +and before her father too. But her mother has promised her not to tell +him. If only one can trust her!!! + +January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite of everything_. I +kept on looking at her, and in the interval she said: "I have told you +already that you must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is +the second time I've had to speak to you about it. One must not make +a joke about such things." I was not going to stand that. One must not +look at her; very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from her; +then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with hers so that I nearly +burst out laughing, and she said: "Do look round, for that way is even +stupider." Of course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she +told Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly that she felt very +unwell, and that what she had said to me was, she would have to go +home at 12. All the girls looked at one another, for they all know +what _unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella had better leave +directly, but she answered in French--that pleases Dunker awfully--that +she would rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply +splendid! + +January 12th. We went to the People's Theatre to-day to the matinee of +The Fourth Commandment. The parting from the grandmother was lovely; +almost everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying because Dora +was only two places from me, and so did Hella, probably for the same +reason. Anyway she was not paying much attention to the play for in the +main interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, came up and said how +d'you do to Hella and her mother. He wanted to go home with them after +the performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of illness and if I +had it I should never admit it. Those illnesses in which one is swelled +up are the nastiest of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have +been invited to the Brs. and of course they asked me too, I am so glad. + +January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, we have such a +frantic lot of work, especially in French in which we are very backward, +at least Dunker says so!! She can't stand Madame Arnau, that's obvious. +For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a great deal better, if only because she +had no pimples. And Prof. Jordan's History class is awfully difficult, +because he always makes one find out the causes for oneself; one has to +learn _intelligently!_, but that is very difficult in History. No one +ever gets an Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, but +she learns out of a book, not our class book, but the one on which Herr +Prof. J. bases his lectures. And because she reads it all up +beforehand, naturally she always knows all the causes of the war and the +_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something quite different, +and so Hella and I never dare look at one another when he is examining +us and asks: What were the consequences of this event? Of course the +Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was laughing at _him_ when she was only +laughing at _consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain, +especially to a gentleman!!!! + +January 20th. When Dora and I were coming home from skating to-day we +met Mademoiselle, and I said how d'you do to her at once, and I was +asking her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when suddenly I +noticed that Dora had gone on, and Mademoiselle said: "Your sister seems +in a great hurry, I don't want to detain her." When I caught Dora up and +asked her: "Why did you run away?" she tossed her head and said: "That +sort of company does not suit me." "What on earth do you mean, you were +so awfully fond of Mad., and besides she is really lovely." That's true +enough, she said; but it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all +that--you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents' backs _cannot +possibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got in such a fearful temper and +said: "Oh do shut up. Father and Mother did not know anything about +Viktor either, and you were happy enough then. It is just the secrecy +that makes one so happy." Then she said very softly: "Dear Grete, you +too will change your views," and then we did not say another word. But I +was awfully angry over her meanness; for first of all she wanted to hear +the whole story, although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she +pretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew where to find Mad. I +would warn her. Anyhow, this day week at 7 I shall take care to be in +W. Street, and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has a private +lesson somewhere in that neighborhood. + +January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, _in spite of_ the +operation. I have decided that I won't go on Sunday to the Brs. although +Jeno will be there, and that I won't wait about for Mademoiselle on +Monday. I have not told Hella anything about this for she would probably +say it was very stupid of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora +has twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear conscience_, but because +I don't enjoy anything when Mother is ill. + +January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she asked Aunt Dora: "By the +way, Dora, has Grete put a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready +for the Brs. to-morrow?" Then I said: "I'm not going Mother," and Mother +asked: "But why not, surely not on my account?" Then I rushed up to her +and said: "I can't enjoy anything when you are ill." And then Mother was +so awfully sweet, and she wept and said: "_Such moments_ make one forget +all pains and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I'm a good +deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be quite well again." So I +answered: "All right, I'll go, but only if you are _really_ well. +But you must tell me _honestly_." But in any case I shan't go to meet +Mademoiselle on Monday. + +January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at school, so I could not write +yesterday. We had a heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides +ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. Lajos is enough to +give one fits; it was absolutely ripping the way he imitated the wife of +Major Zoltan in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly write about +it, for my hand shakes so with laughing when I think of it. And then, +while Hella and Lajos were singing songs together, Jeno told me that +every student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. Mostly in +Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt though that is dangerous because of +being caught. All the officers know about it, but no one must be found +out. Then I told him about Oswald's affair and he said: "Oswald was a +great donkey, you'll excuse me for saying so since he's your brother; +but really he made a fool of himself. He was only a civilian; it's quite +different in the army." Then I got cross and said: "That's all very +well, Jeno, but you are not an officer yourself, so I don't see how you +can know anything about it." Then he said to Hella: "I say, Ilonka, +you must keep your friend in better order, she is rather inclined to +be insubordinate." She is to make a written note of every act of +_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ punishment. +All very fine, but it will take two to that. + +January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle really passed through +W. Street again at 7 o'clock on Monday, for she certainly said very +distinctly: "Au revoir, ma cherie!" She is so pretty and so pale; +perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous about +-- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder whether she knows about +certain means, but one simply can't tell her. + +February 2nd. I've had a wonderful idea and Hella thinks it a positive +inspiration. We are going to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about +those means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise +my writing. We think something of that sort must have happened to +Mademoiselle, for the other day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: "If we +had known that, we should never have engaged her for the children; it +will be a terrible thing for her parents." And Aunt Dora said: "Yes, +those are the sort of people who hide their disgrace under the water." +It seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ child. And +the worst of it is, that they know that she has done _that_. We must +help the poor thing. And _that_ is why Dora is so indignant all of +a sudden. But how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in +Mademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly have seen it, for +Hella often says I've a keen eye for it. That is quite true, I was the +first person to notice it in the maid at Prof. Hofer's, when even Father +had not noticed it. + +February 4th. Well, we have written to her, at least Hella has, saying +there are _such_ means, and that she will find all the details in the +encyclopedia. We have addressed it to F. M. and signed it "Someone +who understands you." Unfortunately we shall never be able to find out +whether she got the letter, but the main thing is that she _should_. + +February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a letter can give one! In +the interval to-day the school servant came up to me and said: Please +are you Fraulein Lainer of the Third. "There is a letter for you." I +blushed furiously, for I thought, it must be from Mademoiselle, but my +blushing made Frau Berger think it must be from a young man: "Really I +ought to give it to the head mistress; I am not allowed to deliver any +letters to the pupils, but in your case I will make an exception. But +please remember if it happens again I shall have to hand it in to the +office." Then I said: "Frau Berger, I am quite certain it is not from +a gentleman, but from a young lady," and when she gave it to me I saw +directly that it really was not from a gentleman but only from Ada! +It really is too stupid of her! At the New Year she reproached me for +having broken my word, and now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund +Theatre or at the People's Theatre whether Herr G. is there; she says +she can't live without him in St. P. But in the holidays she told me +that she was not in love with him, that for her he was only _a means to +an end_. I'm absolutely certain she said that. Nothing will induce me +to go to enquire at a theatre _office_, and Hella says too that to make +_such_ a suggestion is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her an +ordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have got me into at +school. I really think Ada has a bee in her bonnet, as Father always +says. + +February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! I was sent for to the +office to-day because the school servant had complained that on two +occasions I had thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It's quite +true that I did drop one piece there yesterday, but I pushed it out of +the way with my foot into the corner, and as for any other time I know +nothing about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. Frau Berger +thought I would give her some money for that letter; just fancy, how +absurd, money for a letter like that, I wouldn't give 20 kreuzer for +such a letter. But since then she's been in a frightfully bad temper, I +noticed it on Wednesday when we were wiping our shoes at the door. What +I said to the head was: "It happened only once, and I kicked the peel +into the corner where no one could tread on it, but I certainly did not +do it twice, and Bruckner can confirm what I say." Then the head said: +"Oh well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the next time you +drop something, please pick it up." Frau Berger is furious, and all we +girls in our class have decided that while we won't make more mess than +we need, still, we shan't be too particular. If any one of us happens to +drop a piece of paper she will just let it lie. Such cheek, one really +can't stand it! + +February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have not got any +Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and Excellent. Father and Mother are +awfully pleased and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed Dora has +practically nothing but Excellents, only three Praiseworthies; but she +studies frantically hard, and she is learning Latin again with Frau +Doktor M. If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, I shall +go too, for that way we shall have her for 3 hours longer each week. +By the way, Franke has actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics, +though she's hardly any good. The Nutling seems to give extraordinarily +good reports, for twice in the Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an +Unsatisfactory, and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. With +Frau Doktor M. one has really to deserve one's report, and it was just +the same last year with Fr. Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr +Prof. Jordan. Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except that +deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. are giving a great +birthday party because of Hella's 14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are +coming and the two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them, +especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older than Kitty, for +they are _twins!!_ How awful!!! They only came to the Lyz this year, and +Hella meets them skating every day, I don't because we have no season +tickets this year but only take day tickets when we can go, because +of Mother's illness. I am giving Hella an electric torch with a very +powerful reflector, so that it really lights up the whole room, and an +amber necklace. + +February 14th. It's a good thing that we have the half-term holiday +to-day and to-morrow for that gives me time to write all about +yesterday. It was simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many happy +returns quite early, and I stayed to dinner and Lajos and Jeno had been +invited to dinner too in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought +a box of sweets, and 3 of Hella's girl cousins and two boys, one of whom +is frightfully stupid and never speaks a word, and several aunts and +other ladies, for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did not +bother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi's room, and Hella's room +had been arranged for us. Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers +that they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos proposed a toast +to Hella and another at tea. Hella was splendid, and in the evening she +said to me: "At 14 one really does become a different being." For in +proposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 years a human being +is completely changed, and Hella thinks that is perfectly true. Thank +goodness, _in 6 1/2 months I shall change my whole being too_. There +really did seem to be something different about her, and when we all had +to blow to extinguish the candles on her birthday cake, all except the +life-light in the middle, as a sign that the other years have passed, +she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in joke or through +awkwardness some one would blow out her life-light. Thank goodness it +was all right. I don't much care for such things myself, for I'm always +afraid that something might happen. Of course I know that it's only a +superstition, but it would have been horribly unpleasant if anyone +had blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella an enormous +_square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a silver ring with a heart +pendant. He wanted her to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_ +one--the _wedding_ ring. But she can't because of her parents, so she +begged me to allow her to say that I had given it her, but that would +not do either because of Father and Mother. _These_ things are such a +nuisance, and that is why no young man will ever go on living at home +where one is continually being questioned about everything one has, +and does, and wears. After tea we sang: "Had I but stayed on my lonely +Hearth" and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, and in the +evening we danced while Hella's Father played for us; and then Elwira, +the tall cousin, danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. I've +never known such a birthday party as yesterday's. It's only possible in +winter; you can never have anything like it on my birthday, July 30th, +for the people one is fondest of are never all together at that time. +Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday months, but always +sometime between the end of September and June. I do wish I were 14, I +simply can't wait. Hella's mother said to Hella, You are not a child any +longer, but a grown-up; I do wish I were too!!! + +February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All the girls and all the +staff are delighted with her. She is so small she might be only 10, but +awfully pretty. She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don't +agree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown eyes, a lovely mouth, +and a complexion like milk and roses. She is the daughter of a bank +manager in Hamburg; he shot himself, I don't know why. Of course she is +in mourning and it suits her wonderfully. She has a strong North German +accent. Frau Doktor Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is +awfully fond of her too. + +February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day with Anneliese. She is +called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. Her mother has been so frightfully +upset by her father's death that she'll probably have to be sent to a +sanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna to stay with her +uncle. He is a professor and they live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora +thinks her charming too, the whole school is in love with her, she is +going to gym. with us; I am so glad. Of course she won't stand near +Hella and me because she's so small; but we can always keep an eye on +her, show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. Hella is a +trifle jealous and says: "It seems to me that Anneliese has quite taken +my place in your affections." I said that was not a bit true, but did +she not think Anneliese awfully loveable? "Yes," said Hella, "but one +must not neglect old friends on that account." "I certainly shan't do +anything of the kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will show +her everything and explain everything." Besides, the head mistress and +Frau Doktor M. placed her in front of me and said to us: "Give her a +helping hand." + +February 20th. It's such a pity that I can't ask Anneliese here, for +Mother has been in bed for the last week. But she is going to Hella's +on Sunday, and since I am going too of course I am frightfully glad. +Naturally I would much rather have her here; but unfortunately it's +impossible because of Mother. Dora thinks that Mother will have to have +another operation, but I don't believe it, for _such_ an operation can +only be done _once_. What I can't understand is why there should be +anything wrong with Mother if the operation was successful. Dora is +afraid that Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I don't +believe she has, because if one has cancer one can't recover. + +February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! Anneliese did not +come until 4, for they don't have dinner until 3. She wore a white +embroidered frock with black silk ribbons. Hella's mother kissed her +with tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in a sanatorium because +is suffering from _nervous_ disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle +and aunt. But she often cries because of her father and mother. Still, +she enjoyed herself immensely in the round games, winning all the best +prizes, a pocket comb and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a +negro with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen-wiper, a double +vase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, and a note book, Hella won a lot +of things too, and so did her two cousins and Jenny. + +Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the Wacht am Rhein and a lot +of folk songs; her voice is as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I +stayed till 8. + +March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in vised to Anneliese's. I am +so awfully glad. I shall ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse +and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature went up to 54 +degrees to-day. + +March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese's. She shares a room with her +cousin; she is only 11 and goes to the middle school, but she is a +nice girl I expected to find everything frightfully smart at Professor +Arndt's, but it was not so at all. They have only 3 rooms not +particularly well furnished. He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their +granddaughter, she lives with them because her father is in Galicia, a +captain or major I think. It was not so amusing as at Hella's. We played +games without prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for the +sake of the prizes, but what's the use of playing if one does not win +anything? Then they read aloud to us out of a story book. But what Hella +and I found exasperating was that Anneliese's uncle said "Du" to us +both. For Hella is 14, and I shall be 14 in a few months. But Hella +was quite right; in conversation she said: "At the High School only +the mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to say Sie." +Unfortunately he went away soon after, so we don't know whether he took +the hint. Hella says too that it was not particularly entertaining. + +March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; of course Father has +not told us so, but she has to have another operation. Dora has cried +her eyes out and my knees are trembling. She's going to hospital on +Friday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday and will stay here till +Mother is well again. I do so dread the operation, and still more +Mother's going away. It's horrible, but still lots of people have cancer +and don't die of it. + +March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. Oh I am so glad! +Everything is so quiet in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the +passages. Mother said: "I don't want to stay here any longer, let me go +back to my children." We went to see Mother in hospital every day and +took her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed to eat +anything during the first few days after the operation. But it's quite +different now that she's home again. I should have liked to stay away +from school to-day, but Mother said: "No, children, go to school, do it +to please me." So of course we went, but I simply could not attend to my +lessons. + +March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks frightfully ill and still +has a lot of pain. I'm sure the doctors can't really understand her +case; for if they had operated properly she would not still have pain +after the _second_ operation. I should like to know _what_ Mother has +been talking to Dora about, for they both cried. Although Dora and I +are on good terms now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised +Mother not to speak about it. I can't believe that Mother has told Dora +a _secret_, but perhaps it was something about marrying. For Dora only +said: "Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, for my mind was +quite made up in any case." I do hate such hints, it's better to say +nothing at all. As soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia for +a change, and most likely Dora will go with her. + +March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia next week. Dora thinks +I envy her the journey, and she said: "I would _willingly_ renounce the +journey and the seaside if only Mother would get well. And this year when +I have to matriculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure." I'm +so awfully miserable that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair, +though red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but since +yesterday a brown one, for Mother said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up that +black ribbon; it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all." Of course +I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so I took the brown one and +said the red ribbon was quite worn out. + +April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so gloomy at home for +Mother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easter +holidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to have +gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year they +are probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach or +Mitterberg near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don't +feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not; +for she said: "So I shall have all my three darlings together here at +Easter." When she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out of +the room so that she might not see me. But she must have seen, for after +dinner she said: "Gretel, if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners, +I should like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little +pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the winter." And then I +could not stop myself, and I burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, I +won't go on any account. All I want is that you should get quite well +again." And then Mother cried too and said: "Darling, I'm afraid I shall +never be quite well again, but I should like to stay until you are all +grown up; after that you won't need me so much." Then Dora came in and +when she saw that Mother was crying she said that Father had sent +for me. He hadn't really but in the evening she told me that Mother's +illness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to upset her +or let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot and +promised one another that we would always stay with Father. + +May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are all +so awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father +speaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good. +It's not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feel +as if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one is +always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her something or +tell her something. And when we go to bed we talk about her for such a +long time, and then I dream about her all night. Why should people die? +Or at least only quite old people, who no longer have anyone to care +about it. But a mother and a father ought never to die. The night after +Mother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with them, but I preferred +to stay at home; but late in the evening I did not dare to go into the +hall alone, so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door into the +drawing-room, where Mother was laid out, but all the same it was awfully +creepy. They did not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; I +should have so liked to see her once more. Good God, why should one die? +If only I had been called Berta after her; but she did not wish that +either of us should be called after her, nor did Father wish it in +Oswald's case. + +May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing made me frightfully angry +with Dora, at least not really angry but hurt, that _she_ should have +gone into church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ have always +gone with Father and Dora has always gone with Mother. And while poor +Mother was in hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral Father +went with her, and I had to go with Aunt Dora. A few days later I spoke +to her about it, and she said it was quite natural because she is the +elder. She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, that that would +have been the proper thing. But he went alone. Another thing that annoys +me is this; when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and I sat on +the same side of the table at dinner and supper, and Aunt sat opposite +Mother, and when Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. After +she died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and now for about a week Dora +has been sitting in Mother's place. I can't understand how Father can +allow it! + +May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. For we had breast +of veal, and we had had the same thing on the day of poor Mother's +funeral, and when the joint was brought in I happened to look at Dora +and saw that she was quite red and was sobbing frightfully. Then I could +not contain myself any more and said: "I can't eat any breast of veal, +for on Mother's burial day -- -- --," then I could not say any more, and +Father stood up and came round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out +crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that we should never have +breast of veal again. For tea, Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we +had eaten hardly anything at dinner. + +May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora's written matriculation. +Father wanted her to withdraw because she looks so ill, but she would +not for she said it would be a distraction for her and that she would +like to finish with the High School. Next year she is to go to a +preparatory school for the Gymnasium. She ought really to go to a +dancing class, for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is +quite impossible and of course she does not want to go anyhow. The head +thought too that Dora would withdraw from the examination because she +is so overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The staff were so +awfully sweet to us after Mother's death, at least the women teachers +were. The professors don't bother themselves about our private concerns, +for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau Doktor Steiner, from +whom we don't have any lessons this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw +plainly that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. was an angel +as she always is! We did not go to the spring festival on May 20th, +though Father said we could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were +awfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, and indeed I shall +never go to any more amusements. No doubt the others enjoyed themselves +immensely, but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. In the +evenings I often fancy to myself that it is not really true, that Mother +has simply gone to Franzensbad and will be back soon. And then I cry +until my head aches or until Dora says: "Oh Gretel, I do wish you'd +stop, it's awful." She often cries herself, I can hear her quite well, +but _I_ never say anything. + +June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother's death as _a sign of God's +displeasure against Father!_ But what could _we_ have done to prevent +it? She said, Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have done, +and above all we had secrets from Mother. That is why God has punished +us. It's horrible, and now that she is always speaking of the eye of God +and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid to go into a dark +room, because I always feel there is some one there who is eying me and +wants to seize me. + +June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; yesterday evening, +when I opened the drawing-room door and there was Father coming out, +quite unintentionally I gave a yell, and when Father asked what was the +matter I told him about God's displeasure; only I did not tell him +it was against him, but only against Dora and me. And then Father was +frightfully angry for the first time since Mother's death, and he told +Dora she was not to upset me with her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora +nearly had an attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent +for. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both had to take bromide. +To-day Father was awfully kind to us and said: "Girls, you've no reason +to reproach yourselves, you have always been good children, and I hope +you always will be good." Yes, I will be, for Mother's eye watches over +us. Hella thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day whether +perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I would not talk about such +things any more, that it would be an offence to my Mother's memory. She +wanted to say something more, but I said: "No, Hella, I simply won't +talk about _that_ any more. You can't understand, because your mother is +still alive." + +June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want to think any more +about _such_ things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I'm in a +frightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girl +from the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: "The head +mistress wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office +directly." All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When we +came into the office, the door of the head's room was shut and Fraulein +N. told us to wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside a +lady was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. "Do you spend +much time with Zerkwitz?" asked the head. "Yes, said I," and I had a +foreboding. "This lady is Zerkwitz's mother, she complains that you talk +about very improper things with her daughter; is it so?" "Hella and I +never wanted to tell her anything; but she begged us to again and again, +and besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and only pretended she +didn't." "_What_ did you think she knew, and what did you talk to her +about?" broke in Anneliese's mother. "Excuse me," said the head, "I will +examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned in the matter too?" "Very +seldom," said I; "Yes, the chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose +mother died recently_." Then I choked down my tears, and said: "We +should never have said a word about these matters unless Anneliese had +kept on at us." After that I would not answer any more questions. Then +Hella was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew what was +up directly she saw my face. "What have you been talking about to +Zerkwitz?" Hella would not say at first, but then she said in as few +words as possible: "About getting babies, and about being married!" +"Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk about _such_ things," +said Anneliese's mother. "Such corrupt minds." "We did not believe +that Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never have told +her anything," said Hella just as I had; she was simply splendid. "As +regards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and we have often +advised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from school; but +she would not listen to us." "I am talking about your conversations +with which you have corrupted the poor innocent child," said Frau von +Zerkwitz. "She certainly must have known something about it before, or +she would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us," +said Hella. "Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such corruptness +of mind!" Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella cried +frightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at +home. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we had +been crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese and +said out loud: "Traitress!!" and spat at her. For that she was ordered +out of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when Frau +Professor Kreindl said: "Not you, Lainer, you go on," I said: "Excuse +me, I spat at her _too_," and went and stood beside Hella. All the girls +looked at us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about it +already for she did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12 +Frau Doktor M. said: "Girls, why can't you keep the peace together? This +continual misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble +for you and for your parents and for us." Just before 12 Hella and +I were summoned to the head's room again. "Girls," she said, "it's +a horrible business this. Even if your own imaginations have been +prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt others? As for +you, Lainer, you ought to be especially ashamed of yourself that such +complaints should be made of you when your mother has been buried only +a few weeks." "Excuse me," said Hella, "all this happened in the spring, +and even earlier, in the winter, for we were still skating at the time. +Rita's mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz was continually +pestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, and said: 'Don't +trust her,' but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau +Direktorin, don't say anything about it to Rita's father, for he would +be frightfully upset." + +Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me to +write that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it all +down word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No one +ever had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. "You are +just as clever," she says, "but you get so easily overawed, and besides +you are still quite nervous because of your mother's death. I only hope +your father won't hear anything about it." That stupid idiot dug up the +old story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over and +done with ages ago. "You should never trust anyone," says Hella, and +she's perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would be +such a sneak. We don't know yet what was up with Franke. As she came in +she put her finger to her lips, meaning of course "Betray nothing!" + +June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard in +the Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head came +in with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about _that +matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say I +did; Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thank +goodness, the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; in +Maths and French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. saw that +I had tears in my eyes and said something to the head; then the head +said: "She has recently lost her mother." Then the Herr Insp. praised +me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said: +"It's all right L., sit down," and stroked my hair. She is so awfully +sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. will say a word for me +at the Staff Meeting. And I do hope that Father won't hear anything of +it, for of course he would reproach me dreadfully because it all comes +so soon after Mother's death. But really it all happened long before +that. The way it all happened was that Hella's mother went away to see +Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first baby_. And then it +was that we told the "innocent child" (that's what we call the deceitful +cat) everything. Hella still thinks that the "innocent child" was a +humbug. That is quite likely, for after all she is nearly fourteen; and +at 14 one must _surely_ know a great deal already; it's impossible +that at that age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, as +Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be +"developed" too, because I always have such black rings under my eyes. I +overheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, "Little brats;" but Hella says that +the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards Hella was in fits of +laughter over the expression "little brats" for her mother always says +about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern with such +matters. Good Lord, when is one to learn all about it if one does not +know when one is nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I learned +these things _very early_, and it has not done us any harm. Hella's +mother always says that if one learns such things too early one gets to +look old; but of course that's nonsense. But why do mothers not want us +to know? I suppose they're just ashamed. + +June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: "What +were you really talking about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head +called me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talking +of improper matters. She said I must watch over you in _Mother's +place!_" Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when +Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what children are talking +of together. Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from the +Staff Meeting. I should hate that because of Father; that would mean +another fearful row; although Father is really awfully sweet now; I have +not had a single rowing since Mother first got ill. It's quite true that +death makes people gentle, but why? Really one would have thought people +would get disagreeable, because they've been so much distressed. Last +week the tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should like +to go alone to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weep +before the others. + +June 18th. The "innocent child" does not come to gym. any longer, at +least she has not been since _that affair_. We think she's afraid, +although we should not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent +contempt_, she'll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And thank goodness +she does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are _deceitful_, +for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright +cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don't tell such a +frightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguard +against _deceitfulness_. That's why I don't like cats. We have another +name for the "innocent child," we call her the "red cat." I think she +knows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so +excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. + +June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. But +she overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had +waited for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora would +not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarter +to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (I +believe one ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it does +not matter, I'm not Marina who knows _everything_ about the navy), that +is just at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when we +came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, it +was stupid; but I don't think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that +for this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said so +too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfully +good and had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they +say that people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America, +the land of liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go to +school _together_ there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat we +sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; Hella was on the right +and I was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: "Girls, you're +squashing me, or at least you're crushing my dress!" She was wearing a +white frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly. +When we were near Hainburg Hella's hat fell into the Danube, and all the +girls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. But +thank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a +lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except Frau Doktor +M. because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he went +about with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, +perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be horrid. Hella thinks +that is quite out of the question because of the German professor; +at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. than the +other, because he is said to be a Jew. "Still, with regard to all the +things that hang upon marriage, it's the same with every man," said I. +"That's just the chief point, you little goose," said Hella. And Frau +Doktor M. said: "Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? What +is the chief point?" I was just going to say: "We _can't_ tell you +_that_," when Hella interrupted me and said: "Just because I'm her chum +I can talk to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it." Then +we went to dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next "_her_." We +had veal cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the Herr +Religionsprof. went by he said: "How many weeks have you been fasting?" +Before dinner we went to the museum to see the things they had dug up in +the Roman camp. The head mistress and Fraulein V. explained everything. +It was most instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg. +It was great fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in, +the Fifth had got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits +of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a whole troop of officers +of the flying corps, frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at the +piano and began to play dance music. Another came up to the head and +begged her to allow the "young ladies" to dance. The head did not want +to at first, but all the girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, +and the Herr Rel. Prof. said: "Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have the +innocent pleasure," and so they really were allowed to dance. The rest +of us either danced with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella +and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid lieutenant and +said: "May I venture to separate the two friends for a little dance?" +"If you please," said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a +lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant danced with Hella and +in the evening on the way home she said that the lieutenant had really +wanted to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with my "If +you please" and had placed my hand on his shoulder. Of course that's +not true, but it is not a thing one would quarrel about with one's best +friend, and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately we were +not able to dance very long because we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost +forgotten, a captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor M., for +they know one another. She blushed furiously; so he is probably the man +she will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor. +He would please me a great deal better. They were all so awfully smart! +Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the +officers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I mean. +Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in the Sixth who +looks quite old, as if she might be 24, and "our" lieutenant offered her +a rose too. And then she said: "No thank you, I am not one of the +staff, I'm in the Sixth." Everyone burst out laughing, and she was quite +abashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And +the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: "Tschapperl, you might just as well +have taken it." But really she was quite right to refuse. I think there +must have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenant +that she was a colonel's daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see him +again. + +I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterday +that when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to +the Frau Direktorin: "Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue, +see what eyes she's making." Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes, +besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did not +shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and then +everyone would have laughed. And I don't like being laughed at. I hardly +saw Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said very +cuttingly: "Of course not, for after all we _are_ in mourning, even if +we did wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort of +thing does not matter." _That sort of thing_, as if I had done something +dreadful! I don't love Mother any the less, and I don't forget her. +Father was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said: +"So my little witch has made a conquest; you're beginning early. But +it's no good taking up with an officer, little witch, they're too +expensive." But I would like to have the lieutenant, I would go up +with him in an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In the +religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. came in he laughed like +anything and said: "Hullo, Lainer, is the world still spinning round +you? The Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since." So I suppose +he knows him. Still, I'm quite sure that he has not lost his sleep on my +account, though very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name is, +perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would suit him admirably! + +June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marina +and that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the row +that time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don't think +Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora +are not particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, the +father does not care much for the mother's brothers and sisters and vice +versa. I wonder why? I wonder whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he +has, and what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hair +or fair hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marina +and I were _very_ standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited because +she goes to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent! +The High School is much more important, for from the High School one +goes on to the university, but not from the Training College; and they +don't learn English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. Aunt +Alma knows that it annoys Father when anyone says we don't look well, so +she said: "Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it's nearly +over, and she won't get much out of it after all, it's really better for +a girl to become a teacher." Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me: +"Do you dare me to spit on the carpet?" "You are ill-bred enough to do +it; I can't think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not give +you a good smacking," said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: "What's the +matter children? What game are you playing?" "It's not a game at all; +Erwin wants to spit on the carpet and he seems to think that would be +all right." Then Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled +a long nose at me behind Father's back, but I simply ignored it; little +pig, and yet he's my cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just as +impudent as Bub. But we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as +an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all; +there's a provincial look about her and she can't shake it off. Her +clothes are too long and she has not got a trace of b--, although she +was 17 last September; she is disgustingly thin. + +June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to-day, in French this time. +Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and at +the beginning of the lesson she said: "Girls, the Inspector is coming +to-day; pull yourselves together; please don't leave me in the lurch." +So it must be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come to +inspect the teachers and not the pupils. "At the inspection," Oswald +often says, "every pupil has the professor in his hands." Being +first, of course I was called upon, and I simply could not think what +"trotteur" meant. I would not say "Trottel" [idiot], and so I said +nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned round and whispered it to me, but +of course I was not going to say it after her, but remained speechless +as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: "Translate the sentence +right to the end, and then you'll grasp its meaning." But I can't see +the sense of that; for if I don't know one of the words the sentence has +no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to have. If Hella had +not been absent to-day because of -- --, she might have been able to +whisper it to me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, saying +that no one could ever trust anyone, and that I really did not deserve +a One. "And the stupidest thing of all was that you laughed when you did +not know a simple word like that." Of course I could not tell her that +my first thought had been to translate it "Trottel." Unseen translation +is really too difficult for us. + +June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I'm on tenter hooks to know +whether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report. +That would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her father +has just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and by +the time he is back the holidays will have begun and no one will be +bothering about reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother, +to-morrow is a holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days +I shall have "to linger in suspense," but a different sort of suspense +from what Goethe wrote about. + +June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because of +Dora's matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an +aunt, who is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them. +In the evening we went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there was +nothing on. By the way, I have not written anything yet about the +"innocent child" at the outing. On the boat she began fussing round +Hella and me and wanted to push into the conversation, indirectly of +course! But she did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in such +matters; she simply seemed to look through her Really I'm a little sorry +for her, for she hasn't any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella +said: "Haven't you had enough of it yet? Do you want to be cooked once +more with the same sauce?" And when Hella's hat fell into the water and +we were still looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden +we found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a fine lace shawl +which she had brought with her for the evening because she so readily +gets earache. "Wouldn't you like to use this shawl, so that you +won't have to go back to Vienna without a hat?" "Please don't trouble +yourself, I'm quite used to going about bare-headed." But the _way_ she +said it, like a queen! I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter +than I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. I +told her as much, and she rejoined: "Darling Rita, you can't _learn_ a +thing like that; it's _inborn_." She rather annoyed me, for she always +seems to think that an officer's daughter is a thing apart. + +July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a public +scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke to me in the corridor, saying: "Lainer, +you've had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised on +your behalf, I really don't know -- -- --." Then I said: "I'm quite +certain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct +Mark." And I kissed her hand. "Get along, you little baggage, for +the one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full of +thoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with." + +After all, one can't help one's _thoughts_, and we shall be more careful +in future as to the persons to whom we talk about _that sort of thing_. +Here's another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got +back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at the +station; Father was there too, and so was the "innocent child's" mother. +Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the train +there was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sort +ourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella's voice: "No, +Madam, your child is not in our bad company." I turned round sharply, +and there was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had just +asked her: "Hullo, _you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?" The +answer was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; I +always think of good repartees after the event. It was just the same +that time when the old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was +alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess, +or an impudent Jewess! It was too absurd, for first of all it's not +impudent to make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow +because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella finished up by +saying to him: "No, you've made a mistake, you are not speaking to one +of your own sort." + +We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora's matriculation we are +staying here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, +and this year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hella +had a splendid time there last year. + +July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., no, I can't write it plain +out. In the middle of the Physics lesson, during revision, when I was +not thinking of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in with a paper +to be signed. As we all stood up I thought to myself: Hullo, what's +that? And then it suddenly occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella +asked me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, if I'd +had some sweets with me. I did not want to tell her the real reason +directly, and so I said: "Oh no, I had nearly fallen asleep from +boredom, and when Fraulein N. came in it gave me a start." On the way +home I was very silent, and I walked so slowly (for of course one must +not walk fast _when_ . . . ) that Hella said: "Look here, what's up +to-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have you fallen in love +without my knowing it, or is it _at long last_ . . . .?" Then I said +"_Or is it at long last!_" And she said: "Ah, then now we're equals once +more," and there in the middle of the street she gave me a kiss. Just +at that moment two students went by and one of them said: "Give me one +too." And Hella said: "Yes, I'll give you one on the cheek which will +burn." So they hurried away. We really had no use for them: to-day!! +Hella wanted me to tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn't +anything to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn't_ tell. It is +really very unpleasant, and this evening I shall have to take frightful +care because of Dora. But I must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--. +It will be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella's case, first +of all because she had such frightful cramps before it began so that her +mother knew all about it without being told, and secondly because it was +her _mother_. I certainly shan't tell Dora whatever happens, for that +would make me feel still more ashamed. As for a San-- T--, I shall never +be able to buy one for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be +awful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether men really do know; +I suppose they must know about their wives, but at any rate they can't +know anything about their daughters. + +July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I switched off the light +_before_ I undressed, and then Dora snapped at me: "What on earth are +you up to, switch it on again directly." "No I won't." Then she came +over and wanted to switch it on herself; "Oh do please wait until I've +got into bed." "O-o-h, is that it," said Dora, "why didn't you say so +before? I've always hidden my things from you, and you haven't got any +yet." And then we talked for quite a long time, and she told me that +Mother had commissioned her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Mother +had told her all about it, but she said it was better for one girl to +tell it to another, because that was least awkward. Mother knew too +that in January Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It was midnight +before we switched off the light. + +July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went to get our reports to-day +and said good-bye to Frau Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at +the end she said: "I hope that you won't give too much trouble to my +successor." At first we did not understand, for we thought she only +meant that it is always uncertain whether the same member of the staff +will keep the same class from year to year, but then she said: "I am +leaving the school because I am going to be married." It gave me such a +pang, and I said: "Oh, is it true?" "Yes, Lainer, it's quite true." And +all the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss her hand. No one +spoke for a moment, and then Hella said: "Frau Doktor, may I ask you +something? But you mustn't be angry!" "All right, ask away!" "Is it the +captain we met in Carnuntum?" She was quite puzzled for a minute, and +then she laughed like anything and said, "No, Bruckner, it is not he, +for he has a wife already." And Gilly, who is not so frightfully fond of +her as Hella and I are, said: "Frau Doktor, please tell us whom you +are going to marry." "There's no secret about it, I am going to marry a +professor in Heidelberg." That is why she has to leave the High School. +It's simply ruined my holidays. Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls +would not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to walk home with +her. Then she said: "My darling girls, that's impossible, for I am going +to Purkersdorf to see my parents." And then Hella had her splendid +idea. The others said: "Please may we come with you as far as the +metropolitan?" and at length she said they might. But Hella said, "Come +along," and we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and took +tickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able to get back in plenty of +time, and there we were waiting on the platform when she came and when +all the girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then we rushed up +to her and got into the train which came in at that moment. Of course we +had second class tickets, for Hella, being an officer's daughter, mayn't +travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always travels second too. And we all +three sat together on a seat for two, though it was frightfully hot. +She was so nice to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and she +promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to Hutteldorf. "Now, girls, +you must get out." Then we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_ +Never shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly ride! As long +as the train was still in sight we both waved our handkerchiefs to her +and she _waved back!_ When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella looked +everywhere for her purse and could not find it; she must have left it in +the ticket office. Luckily I still had all my July pocket money and so I +was able to pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was the +sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and had only passed +out through the second, so we had not to pay so much; and no one knew +anything about it, there's no harm in that sort of cheating. Of course +we really did go back third, although Hella said it would spoil the +memory for her. That sort of thing does not matter to me. We did not +get home until a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendous +scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the library for Frau +Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the High School at 12, and there had +been no one there. We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone +part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was leaving because of +her marriage. Then Dora was quite astonished and said: "Ah, now I +understand." The other day when she had to go into the room while the +staff meeting was on, the staff was talking about an engagement, and +Fraulein Thim was saying: "Not everyone has the luck to get a university +professor." That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim won't get +one, not even a school porter. To-day, (I've been writing this up for +two days), I had such a delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo, +simply heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking than the +reality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly beautiful, with her +lovely eyes and her spiritual expression! Of course she has sent Hella +a photo too. We are going to have pocket leather cases made for the +photographs, so that we can take them with us wherever we go. But we +shall have to wait until after the holidays because Hella has lost her +money, and nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares. +And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father has some untearable +transparent envelopes, and I shall ask him for two of them. They will do +as a makeshift. + +Dora's matriculation is to-morrow, she's quite nervous about it although +she is very well up in all the subjects. But she says it's so easy to +make mistakes. But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he was +very much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear Mother was frightfully +anxious: "Pooh," said Oswald, "I shall soon show them that there's no +need to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that's the whole +secret!" And then all he telegraphed was "durch" [through] and +poor Mother was still very anxious, and thought that it might mean +_durchgefallen_ [failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_ +[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had come. And father had +brought two bottles of champagne to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald's +return. There won't be anything of the sort after Dora's matriculation +because Mother is not with us any more; oh it does make me so miserable +when I think that 2 1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --. + +July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having her exam (she passed with +Distinction), I went to the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was +going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I told Hella I was going +with Aunt, and so I took the tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to +the cemetery. People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. There +was no one in the place but me. I did not dare to stay long, for I +was afraid I should be home late. It's a frightfully long way to +Potzleinsdorf, and it always seems so much further when one is alone. +And when I came away from the cemetery I took a wrong turning and found +myself in a quite deserted street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of +thing is very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no one of +whom I could ask the way. Then by good luck an old lady came along, and +she told me I had only to take the next turning to get back to the tram +line. And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came along, so +I got in and reached home long before Dora. But in the afternoon Hella +nearly gave me away, quite unintentionally. But since they were all +talking about the matriculation I was able to smooth it over. Now that +Dora has finished her matriculation she will have to tell me a great +deal more about _certain things_; she promised she would. Before the +matriculation she was always so tired because of the frightful grind, +but that is over now, and I never do any work in the holidays. What +are holidays for? Frau Doktor Dunker has really given me only a +Satisfactory, it's awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn from +_her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce me to bother myself +about French now, for she has a down on me, and when one's teacher has a +down on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it's no good. It was +so different with Frau Doktor M.!! I have just been looking at her photo +so long that my eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up about +to-day: even when one had been stupid once or twice, she never cast it +up against one, never, never, never -- -- the sweet angel! + +July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am so glad. It is frightfully +dull to-day, for Hella went away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she +is to stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going to Salzburg and +perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see +one another again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I can't go +to K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay in F. till the middle of +September. I got my name day presents to-day because they are things for +the journey: a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, and +half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow black border, and +an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge bag of sweets for the journey from +Hella. The world is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall +marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: "The most ardent +_girl_ friendships are always broken up when one of the two marries." I +suppose because the other one is annoyed because she has not married. +I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.'s wedding! and I wonder +whether she knows about _everything_; very likely not, but if not I +suppose her mother will tell her all about it before she is married. +Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said to her: "A girl always +gets all sorts of false ideas into her head; the reality is quite +different." But that is not so in our case, for we really know +everything quite precisely, even to the fact that you have to take off +every stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget it!--Oswald is coming to F. +on the 20th, for first he is going to Munich for a few days. + +July 12th. It's lovely here; mountains and mountains all round, and +we're going to climb them all; oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply +can't keep a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must write to +Hella at least every other day. We are staying in the Edelweiss boarding +house; there are about 40 visitors, at least that's what we counted at +dinner. There is a visitors' list hanging up in the hall, and I must +study it thoroughly. The journey was rather dull, for Dora had a +frightful headache so we could not talk all through the night. I stood +in the corridor half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was a +frightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose no one knew +anything about it. The boarding house is beautifully furnished, carpets +everywhere; there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We are +awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 courses at dinner and two +at supper. Flowers on every table. Father says we must wait and see +whether they change them often enough. Father has a new tweed suit which +becomes him splendidly for he is so tall and aristocratic looking. We +have coats and skirts made of thin black cotton material and black lace +blouses, and we also have white coats and skirts and white blouses, +and light grey tweed dresses as well. For Father is really quite right: +"Mourning is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_." Still, for the +present, we shall wear black, but we have the white things in case it +gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a cliff quite near the house, we picked +a great nosegay of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother's photo with +her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily I forgot to bring +mine. I should like to go to the top of the Wildeck or one of the other +mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss for oneself. But Father +says that mountaineering is not suited to our ages. The baths here +always seem very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein +said we should only bathe when the water is quite warm. But apparently +that won't be often. We have not made any acquaintances yet, but I like +the look of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second table +from ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. One plan has come to +nothing. I wanted to talk to Dora in the evenings about all sorts of +_important_ things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares our +room. Here's another tiresome thing; Father's room has a lovely veranda +looking on to the promenade, while our room only looks into the garden. +Of course the view is lovely, but I should have liked Father's room much +better, only it is a great deal too small for three persons; there is +only one bed and its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate +that sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding house calls it +_Empire!!_ I don't suppose she can ever have seen a room furnished in +real Empire style. + +July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk yesterday she told me +a great deal about Aunt Dora. I never really knew before whether Uncle +Richard was employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient there; +but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and is quite off his head +and often has attacks of raving madness. Once before he was sent to the +asylum he tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ he did +her a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don't quite understand how, for Aunt +Dora has never had any children. And why on earth do they make such a +secret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to think of it, no one ever +wanted to talk about Mother's illness. There's no sense in this secrecy, +for in the first place that always makes one think about things, and +secondly one always finds out in the long run. At last Aunt Dora was so +terribly afraid of Uncle that she always kept the door of her bedroom +locked. It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging maniac. +Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora is enough to drive one mad with +her whims and fancies. Of course he didn't mean that literally, but I +must watch carefully to find out what Aunt really does to annoy anyone +so much. Most likely it is something connected with _this matter_. To my +mind Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and yet Uncle Franz has +never gone raving mad. Dora says that Uncle Richard may go on living +for another 20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt Dora +because she is tied to such a monster. Why tied? After all, he is in +an asylum and can't do her any harm. Dora didn't know about all this +before, Aunt only told her after Mother's death. Dora thinks it is +better not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in love_ with a man. +And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ In that case _that_ would be +excluded. But I always imagined a marriage contract was made because +of a dowry and money affairs generally; and never thought of its having +_such_ a purpose. Frau Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two +years ago, had married under such conditions. But it puzzles me, for if +_that_ is what men chiefly want when they marry, I don't see how any +man can be satisfied with a marriage contract. There must be a mistake +somewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, for the Mayers were +Jews. + +July 21st. No, I never should have thought that Hella would prove +to have been right in that matter. I got a letter 8 pages long from +Anneliese to-day. That time when Hella had to stay at home for five days +she believed that Anneliese would make fresh advances. But obviously she +was afraid. So now she has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the +only friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and everybody likes +me, and only you have turned away from me in anger. What harm did I do +you -- -- --? After all, she did do me some harm; for there might have +been a fine row if it had not been for Frau Doktor M., that angel in +human form! She writes she is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with her +mother at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I forget which, I +must look it up _if_ I answer her. For I gave my word of honour to Hella +that I would never forgive the "innocent child." But after all, to +write an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from meaning +a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. She says that there are +absolutely no girls in Gratsch, only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen, +the youngest is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull myself. +So I really will write to her, but I shall be exceedingly reserved. She +finishes up with: Listen to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do not +harden your heart against one who has always loved you truly. That is +really very fine, and Anneliese always wrote the best compositions; Frau +Doktor M. used often to praise them and to speak of her excellent style, +but later she really did not like her at all. She often told her she +ought not to be so affected, or she would lose the power of expression +from sheer affectation. I shall not write to her immediately, but only +after a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve. + +July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their names are Olga and +Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; I don't know their surname yet, but +only that they have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their +mother's hair is quite grey already, their father is not coming +until August 8th. We have arranged to go for a walk at 4 o'clock this +afternoon, to Brennfelden. + +July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every day before dinner, +for after dinner we all go with our hammocks into the wood. After all +I wrote to Anneliese three days ago, without waiting, so as not to +keep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything to Hella about it +because I don't know how Anneliese will answer. Hella says she is having +a royal time in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just +what she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 sides including the +signature so of course I did not write to her as much as usual. + +July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the Weiners; she thinks they +are frightfully stuck up. She says it's not the proper thing to wear +gold bracelets and chains in the country, above all with peasant +costume. Of course she is right, but still I like the two girls very +much, and especially Olga, the younger one; Nelly puts on such airs; +they go to a high school too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has +only just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. Dora says +they will never set the Danube on fire. No matter, leave it to others to +do that. We enjoyed ourselves immensely on our walk. I'm going to spend +the whole day with them to-day. Father says: "Don't see too much of +them; you'll only get tired of them too soon." I don't believe that will +happen with the Weiners. + +July 29th. It's my birthday to-morrow. I wonder what my presents will +be. I've already had one of them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of +openwork stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely fine, and my +feet look so elegant in them. But I must take frightful care of them and +not wear them too often. Aunt says: "Perhaps now you will learn to give +up pulling at your stockings when you are doing your lessons." As if I +would do any lessons in the holidays. + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + + +July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! birthday; Olga thought that +I was 16 or at least 15; but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is +_quite_ agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for after +all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at most. But as to feeling +different, as Hella said she did, I really can't notice anything of the +kind; I am merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now call me +a _child_. I do detest the word "child," except when Mother used to say: +"My darling child," but then it meant something quite different. I like +Mother's ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall wear it for +always and always. When I was going to cry, Father said so sweetly: +"Don't cry, Gretel, you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that would +be a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_" Besides the ring, Father gave me +a lovely black pearl necklace which suits me perfectly, and is at the +same time so cool; then Theodor Storm's _Immensee_, from Aunt Dora the +black openwork stockings and long black silk gloves, and from Dora a +dark grey leather wristband for my watch. But I shan't wear that until +we are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. Grandfather and +Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but nothing has come from Oswald. He +can't possibly have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later. +Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At dinner Aunt Dora had +ordered my favourite chocolate cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, +why have we got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came out that it +was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, who knew it already, told most of +the other guests and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy returns. +Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, and had given me a huge +nosegay of wild flowers and another of cut flowers. This afternoon we +are all going to Flagg; it is lovely there. + +Evening: I must write some more. We could not have the expedition, +because there was a frightful thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o'clock. But +we enjoyed ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: As I was +leaving the dining-room in order to go to the . . . ., I heard a voice +say: May I wish you a happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and +there behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, whom I +have been noticing for the last three days. "Thank you very much, it's +awfully kind of you," said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had to +go. But he began speaking again, and said: "I suppose that's only a +joke about your being 14. Surely you are 16 to-day?" "I am both glad and +sorry to say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as old +as he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go to my room," said I +hurriedly, and bolted, for otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did not +suspect the truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will make +her laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a view of +Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite sweets, filled with brandy. In +her letter she complains of the "shortness of my last letter." I must +write her a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the first +time where "Balder" sits; that's what I call him because of his lovely +golden hair, and because I don't know his real name. He is with an old +gentleman and an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like his, but +she can't possibly be his sister for she is much too old. + +July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, and the father is +a retired member of the Board of Mines. The young lady is really his +sister, and she is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found all +this out from the housemaid. But I went about it in a very cunning way, +I did not want to ask straight out, and so I said: Can you tell me +who that white-haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my +Grandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for Father's Father has +been dead 12 or 15 years, and Mother's Father does not live in Vienna +but in Berlin.) Then Luise answered: "Ah, Fraulein, I expect you mean +Herr Oberbergrat Sch., von Sch. But I expect Fraulein's Grandfather is +not quite so grumpy." I said: "Is he so frightfully grumpy then?" And +she answered: "I should think so; we must all jump at the word go or +it's all up with us!" And then one word led to another, and she told +me all she knew; the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her +father won't let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ has left home +because his father pestered him so. He is a student in Prague, and only +comes home for the holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet they +look perfectly happy except the daughter. By the way, it's horrid for +the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly actually 15, and their mother is once +more -- -- -- -- I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both in +a frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: "It's a perfect scandal;" +they find it so awkward going about with their mother. I can't say I'd +noticed anything myself; but they say it has really been obvious for a +long time; "_the happy event!!_ will take place in October," said Olga. +It really must be very disagreeable, and I took a dislike to Frau W. +from the first. I simply can't understand how such a thing can happen +when people are so old. I'm awfully sorry for the two Weiner girls. +Something of the same sort must have happened in the case of the Schs., +for Luise has told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister not +32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 years older, appalling. +I'm awfully sorry for her because her father won't let her marry, or +rather would not let her marry. I'm sure Father would never refuse if +either of us wanted to marry. I have written all this to Hella; I miss +her dreadfully, for after all the Weiner girls are only strangers, and I +could _never_ tell my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms +now. Oswald is coming to-morrow. + +August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. He comes and goes when he +likes and where he likes. A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, +saying he was not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, Watzmann, +glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father did not say much, but I fancy +he's very much annoyed. Especially just now, after poor Mother's death, +Oswald might just as well come home. Last year he was so long away +after matriculation, quite alone, and now it's the same this year. One +pleasure after another like that is really not the thing when one's +Mother has been dead only three months. The day after we came here and +before we had got to know anyone, I went out quite early, at half past +8, and went alone to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain +and some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in many cases one can't +decipher the inscriptions; there was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat +on a little bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappiness, +and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my eyes lest anyone should +notice it. I was horribly annoyed to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, +she wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, to see if we +can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma always means by that very cheap, +but above all it must be in a private house; of course, for a boarding +house would be far too dear for them. I do hope we shan't find +_anything_ suitable, we really did not find anything to-day, for a storm +was threatening and we did not go far. I do so hope we shall have no +better success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having Marina +here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt Dora and Dora are both very +much against their coming. But Father said: That won't do girls, she's +your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All right, we can _look +for them_; but seeking and finding are two very different things. + +August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look for the rooms, and +since Dora always makes a point of finding what's wanted, she managed +to hunt up 2 rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. The +summer visitors who were staying there had to go back suddenly to Vienna +because their grandmother died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. +Dora wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all be delighted +to see them, which is a downright lie. However, I wrote a P.S. in which +I sent love to them all, and said that the journey was scandalously +expensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. Owing to this silly +running about looking for rooms I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday +afternoon or this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder either. +And at dinner we can't see the Scharrers' table because they have a +table in the bay window, for they have come here every year for the last +9 years. I'm absolutely tired out, but there's something I must write. +This afternoon the Weiners and we went up to Kreindl's, and Siegfried +Sch. came with us, for he knows the Weiners, who have been here every +year for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and that annoyed +me frightfully. So I said not a word, but walked well behind the others. +On the way home he came up to me and said: "I say, Fraulein Grete, are +you always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict the idea." I said: +"It all depends on my mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any +one." "Could you not change places at table with your mother?" "In the +first place, she is not my Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, +and in the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had better +say it to my sister!" "Don't be jealous! There's no reason for _that_. +I can't help talking to your sister when we're in company; but I can +assure you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous." I wish +I knew how I could manage that change of places, but I always sit +next Father; anyhow I would not do it directly; next week at soonest. +Farewell, my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --. + +August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: "You heart of gold, so you are able +to forgive my sins of youth? The world shines with a new light since I +received your letter." I don't know that my letter was so forgiving as +all that, for all I said was that I was very sorry she was so lonely in +Gratsch, and that we could not alter the past, so we had better bury +it. She sends me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told one +another when our birthdays were), and she sends me a great pressed +forget-me-not. She waited to answer until it had been pressed. I don't +know quite what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt give me +very good advice, but I can't very well tell him the whole story, for +then I should have to tell him why we quarrelled, and that would be +awful. I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must write to-day, +for it will be quite three days before I can get an answer, and then +1 or two days more before Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5 +days at least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, for +Father won't let us sit in the hall alone; I can't think why. Generally +speaking Father's awfully kind, quite different from other fathers, but +this is really disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa after +dinner and read _Immensee_, for I've not had a chance before. + +August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; Marina in a dust-grey +coat and skirt that fits her abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand; +Ferdinand is going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the +Neustadt military academy; he's the most presentable of the lot. Uncle +was in a frightful temper, growling about the journey and about the +handbaggage, I think they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I +had to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of which she +said that it contained the accumulated rubbish of 10 years. Aunt Alma's +appearance was enough to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so +high that one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a hat like a +scarecrow's. When I think how awfully well dressed _Mother_ always was, +and how nice she always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 years +younger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived to be 80 she would +never have looked like _that_. Thank goodness, on the way from the +station we did not meet any one, and above all we did not meet _him_. +For once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding house. We +had two tables put together, and I seized the opportunity to change my +place, for I offered Aunt Alma the place next Father and seated myself +beside the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, Marina +looked quite nice at dinner, for her white blouse suits her very well, +and she has a lovely complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink in +the cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she does her hair is +hideous, parted and brushed quite smooth, with two pigtails. I've given +them up long ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. But +"snails" suit me a great deal better. _He_ looked across at me the whole +time, and Aunt Alma said: "Grete is blossoming out, I hope there's not +a man in the case already." "Oh no," said Father, "country air does her +such a lot of good, and when I take the children away for a change I +don't forbid any innocent pleasures." My darling Father, I had to keep a +tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him then and there. They were +all so prim, with their eyes glued to their plates as if they had never +eaten rum pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at Marina, +but of course she noticed nothing. They soon put away their first helps, +and they all took a second, and then they went on talking. When we went +to our rooms I knocked at Father's door and gave him the promised kiss +and said: "You really are a jewel of a Father." "Well, will you, if you +please, be a jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina and +the others?" I said: "Oh dear, I simply can't stand her, she's such a +humbug!" "Oh well," said Father, "it may be a pity, but you know one +can't choose one's parents and one's relations." "I would not have +chosen any different parents, for we could not have found another Father +and another Mother like you." Then Father lifted me right up into the +air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: "You are a little +treasure," and we kissed one another heartily. I really do like Father +better than anyone in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite +different, she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I like Aunt Dora +too, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him again. + +August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got a postcard from Hella, +with nothing on it but "Follow your own bent, with best wishes, your +M." When we write postcards we always use a cipher which no one else can +understand, so that M. means H. It's a good thing no one can understand +it. Of course I wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, +and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with nothing more than: +Have done so, with best wishes, W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder what +she will do. Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, +and what he said was lovely. But I can't agree that all fathers _without +exception_ are tyrants. I said: "_My_ Father isn't!" He rejoined: "Not +_yet_, but you will find out in time. However, anyone with a character +of his own won't allow himself to be suppressed. I simply broke with my +Old Man and left home; there are other technical schools besides the one +in Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well just look at Hulda; +whenever anyone fell in love with her the Old Man marred her chance, for +no one can stand such tutelage." "Tutelage, what do you mean," said I, +but just at that moment everyone got up to go away. To-morrow perhaps, +poor persecuted man. + +August 9th. Oh dear, it's horrible if it's all really true what Hella +writes about being infected; an eruption all over the body, that is the +most horrible thing in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, +and since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, I must +_absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get hold of a fragment of +it. Above all now that Marina is here, for you never can tell -- -- --. +But I know what I'll do; I'll copy the letter here, even if it takes 2 +or 3 days. She writes: + +Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday's postcard. If you +were angry, you must make it up with me. Consort with whom you please +and write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ be on your +own head. Father always says: Beware of red hair! And I insist that the +"innocent child" has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like. + +Now I've got something much more important to tell you. But you must +promise me dirst that you will tear up my letter directly you have read +it. Otherwise please send it back to me _un_read. + +Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married woman living with her +mother and her cousin, a girl who is studying medicine; they are Poles +and I have always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. The +young wife has got a divorce from her husband, for she was _infected_ by +him on the _wedding night_. Of course you remember what being _infected_ +is. But really it is something quite different from what we imagined. +Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption all over her body and her +face, and most likely all her hair will fall out; is it not frightful? +Her cousin, the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is there +to _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about it, she heard of it from +the housemaid where they have rooms. As you know, one can't talk to +Lizzi about anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more; +but the other day, when I went to buy some picture postcards, I met the +three ladies. The young wife was wearing a very thick veil, so that one +could see nothing. They were sitting on a bench in the garden in front +of their house, and I bowed in passing, on the way back. They bowed, and +smiled in a friendly way. In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was +feeling very bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard some people +talking on the veranda just outside my window--the veranda runs all +round the house. At first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down +outside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish student directly, +and I heard her say to the wife of the mayor of J.: "Yes, my unfortunate +cousin's experience has been a terrible one; that is because people sell +girls like merchandise, without asking them, and without their having +the least idea what they are in for." I got up at once and sat down +close to the window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. +The mayor's wife said: "Yes, it's horrible what one has to go through +when one is married. _My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- --" +And then I could not understand what she went on to say I overheard +this conversation on Thursday. But that's not all I have to tell you. Of +course my first thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; for +she spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we are both of us already +_very much enlightened_, still, as a medical student, she must know a +great deal more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And since she +said that girls ought not to be allowed to _run blindly into marriage_, +I thought she would probably tell me a little if I went cautiously to +work. There was a word which she and the mayor's wife used more than +once, _segsual_ and I don't know what it means, and I'm sure you +don't know either, darling Rita. She said something about _segsual +intimacies_; of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one knows +it has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual mean? It must mean +something, since it is used with _intimacy_. Well, let me get on. On +Saturday there was a party, and the medical student came, and I left my +Alpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody picked it up and turned +over the pages, and the word went round that the person to whom it +belonged must sing something. At first I did not let on, but went out +for a moment, and then came back saying: "I'm looking for my music book, +I left it lying about somewhere." There was a general shout, and everyone +said: "We've agreed that the person to whom that book belongs has got to +sing." Now I knew that Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing on +such evenings before. So I said: "I shall be delighted to sing, provided +Fraulein K. will accompany me, For you gentlemen play too loud for my +voice." Great laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were introduced, +and I thought to myself: You will soon improve the acquaintance. On +Sunday for once in a way I got up quite early, at half past 6, for +Fraulein K. can only go out walking early in the morning since she +spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near the Luisenquelle, +so I went there with a book, and as soon as she came I jumped up, said +"good-morning," and went on: "I'm afraid I've taken possession of _your_ +bench." "Not at all," she said, "Do you study on Sundays?" "Oh no, this +is only light reading," I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book, +for in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck was with me. She +sat down beside me and said: "What is it you are reading that you hide +so anxiously? I suppose it's something that your mother must not know +about." "Oh no," said I, "we have not brought any such books to the +country with us." "I take it that means that you do manage to get them +when you are in town?" "Goodness me, one must try and learn a little +about _life_; and since no one will ever tell one anything, one looks +about for oneself to see if one can find anything in a book." "In the +encyclopedia, I suppose?" "No, that's no good, for one can't always find +the truth there." She burst out laughing and said: "What sort of truth +do you want?" "I think you can imagine very well what sort of things I +want to know." Of course one can speak more plainly to a medical student +than one can to other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted or +angry but said: "Yes, it's the same struggle everywhere." Then I made use +of your favourite phrase and said: "Struggle, what do you mean? What I +really want to know about is being infected." Then she flushed up and +said: "Who's been talking to you about that? It seems to me that the +whole town is chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see that _I_ +can't tell you that." But I answered: "If you don't, who will? _You_ +study medicine, and are seeing and talking about such things all day." +"No, no, my dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made me), you +are still much too young for _that sort of thing_." What do you think +of that, we are too young at 14 1/2, it's utterly absurd. I expect that +really her studies have not gone very far, and she would not admit it. +Anyhow, I stood up, and said: "I must not disturb you any longer," and +bowed and went away; but I thought to myself: "A fig for her and her +_studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_'ll make!" What do you think +about it all? We shall still have to trust to the encyclopedia, and +after all a lot of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily we +know most things except the word segsual. Next winter I expect we shall +find it easier than we used to to get to the bookcase in your house. I +don't bow to the silly idiot any more. + +But darling Rita, with regard to the "innocent child," I don't want to +influence you in any way, and I shan't be angry with you for preferring +an _unworthy_ person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send you half +a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, H. P.S. I have been 4 days +writing this letter; tear it up, _whatever_ you do!!! + +Now that I have copied the letter, I really can't see why Hella wants me +to tear it up. There's nothing so very dreadful in it. But there is one +thing I shan't be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up things +in the encyclopedia. I think I should always feel that Mother would +suddenly come in and stand behind us. No, I simply can't do it. + +August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have been prevented writing +about _my own_ affairs, although they are far more important. Last +Wednesday the Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had +arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. Dora did not want +to go at first, but Father said that if it would give _us_ pleasure, +he would very much like to go with us, and Mother would be only too +delighted to see that we were enjoying something once more. And two days +before the excursion Dora finally decided that she would like to go; +I knew why at once; she thought that by that time all the places would +have been taken, and that we should have been told: Very sorry, no more +room. But luckily she had made a _great_ mistake. For the secretary +said: With pleasure; how many places shall I reserve? and so we said: +7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), Marina (very +unfortunately), and the two boys (no less unfortunately). "That will +need an extra conveyance," replied the secretary, and we thought we +should make a family party. But it was not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman +whom I had seen once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous +amount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange gentlemen, +Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her son, who is not quite all there; +opposite was Hero Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the +stage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother (notwithstanding!!!), then +I, and afterwards Marina, Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. +I don't know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 in the morning we +all met outside the school, for the schoolmaster acted as our guide. +I did not know before that he has two daughters and a son who has +matriculated this year. First of all they held a great review, and the +gentlemen fortified themselves with a nip and so did some of the ladies; +I did not, for I hate the way in which a liqueur burns one's throat so +that every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make such faces when they +are drinking, that is why I never drink liqueur. I did not care much +about the drive out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had red +noses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to keep them red, for one +looks simply hideous when one's lips are white or blue, I noticed +that in Dora when we were skating last winter. Father went only on our +account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so that Aunt Alma could go. Marina +wears "snails" now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Dora +gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can say for myself. +Only when we got out aid I notice that Siegfried's sister, Fraulein +Hulda, had been sitting next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice, +and many, many years ago she must have been very pretty; she has such +soft brown eyes, and her hair is the same colour as her brother's; but +he has glorious blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, as he +was when he was talking about his father. I should tremble before him +in his wrath. He is so tall that I only come up to his shoulder. Father +calls him the red tapeworm; but that's really not fair. He is very broad +but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we stopped for breakfast, eating the +food we had brought with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster +hurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to walk. The two boys +made a party with other boys, and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, +and Marina, led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman's wife from +Hildesheim, or whatever it was called, and with the schoolmaster's wife. +It was _awfully_ dull at first, so that I began to be sorry that I +had begged Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles the +schoolmaster's son and three bright young fellows came along and walked +with us. Then we had such fun that we could hardly walk for laughing, +and the elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was quite +unrestrained, I could never have believed that she could be so jolly. +One of the schoolmaster's daughters fell down, and some one pulled her +out of the brook into which she had slid because she was laughing so +much. I really don't know what time we got to Inner-Lahn, for we were +enjoying ourselves so much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and we +were all frantically hungry. We laughed without stopping, for we had all +sat down just as we had come in, although Aunt Alma did not want us to +at first. But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to show Hero +Siegfried that I could amuse myself very well without him, for he had +frozen on to the aspiring actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don't +know which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were sitting all +mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, and Father said next day we +had spent a perfect fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happened +later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think Dora gave Marina 3 +crowns, so that she could buy some things too. But Dora never lets on +about anything of that sort. I must say I like her character better and +better; in those ways she is very like Mother. Well, our purchases were +all packed into two or three rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle in +Unter-Toifen on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, for +Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we started, and I still had +a lot of my August pocket money left, and now I've got only 40 hellers. +After we had had dinner and bought the things we lay about in the forest +or walked about in couples. I had curled myself up for a nap when some +one came up behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his hands +over my eyes and said: "The Mountain Spirit." And I recognised _his_ +hands _instantly_, and said: "Hero Siegfried!" Then he laughed like +anything and sat down beside me and said: "You were enjoying yourself +so much this morning that you had not even a glance to spare for me." +"Contrariwise (I've got that from Dora), I never foist myself on anyone, +and never _hang around anyone's neck_." Then he wanted to put his arm +round my waist (and probably, most probably, he would have kissed me), +but I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, for before the +gentlemen we pretend that we never call one another anything but Thea +and Rita. Father says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable +for Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but we keep to our +arrangement. Then he raised my hand to his lips and said: "Don't call!" +But Dora came up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, who is +a doctor of law belonging to the District Court of Innsbruck, and Marina +and one of the young men, and I asked, "I say, when _are_ we going to +have tea?" "Just fancy, she is hungry again already," they all said, +and laughed like anything. And Dora looked _frightfully_ happy. She was +wearing an edelweiss buttonhole which she had not been wearing before; +in the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. If possible he +is even taller than Hero Siegfried, for Dora is taller than I am and her +head only comes up to his ear. At 3 o'clock the last party came up to +the belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was lovely. But I must +say I can enjoy a fine view much better when I am alone, that is with +Father or quite a few persons; it is no good when there's such a crowd; +each additional person seems to take something more away. In a lovely +place and at the cemetery one must be alone. For a beautiful view +usually makes one feel frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been +laughing so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. If I were +alone in Inner-Lahn I'm sure I should become melancholy, for it is so +gloriously beautiful there. + +At 4 o'clock, after tea, we started back, for the schoolmaster thought +the descent would not take more than two hours and a half, but we needed +more than three. For we were all very tired, and a great many of them +had sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had said before, that it would +be too much for Aunt; but she had to come with us to take care of +Marina, though Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner, +who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben but in Germany. One +does not really find out what a girl is like until one sees how she +behaves with a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about +_certain things_; as for the last, of course that's impossible with +Marina _since the experience_ we had. But anyhow she is nicer than +one would have thought at first sight. It was lovely on the way home. +Driving back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. + +In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were three students from +Munich, they were awfully nice, and we sang all the songs we knew; +especially "Hoch vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust," and "Forelle" +and "Wo mein Schatz ist," were lovely, and the people in two different +breaks sang together. And then some of them sang some Alpine songs and +yodelled till the hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third +break were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one of them. Aunt +Alma had a frightful headache; it was utterly idiotic for her to come, +and we did not know yet what was still to happen. At every house from +which a girl had come there was a serenade. And next evening there was +to be a great raffle of the mementoes we had bought, but Father would +not let us go to that. + +August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don't know what on earth to do, +so I am writing my diary. Besides, I have not written about the row yet. +The next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going out and said to +Father: Ernst, please let me have a word with you. Now we all know Aunt +Alma's _let me have a word with you_. In plain language it means: I'm +going to make a scene. She began: "Ernst, you know I never like these +big parties with a lot of strangers, for no good can come of them. +Still, I made up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and chiefly +for the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody asked her to; and +Aunt Dora had to stay at home on her account.) Do you know what sort of +people were in our company? That impudent young student whom Gretel is +always running after (did you ever hear anything like it! I should like +to know when I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm round +_his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began the acquaintance +on my birthday) and that girl who's training for the stage did not come +home after the excursion till the night was half over. God knows +where they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ when they got home. +(Naturally, for where could they have had a wash.) His father gave the +young blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl's mother +takes her side. It would positively kill me to think of _my Marina doing +anything of the kind_." Father was able to get a word in at last: "But +my dear Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as I know +these two people weren't in our break, isn't that so girls?" I was glad +that Father turned to _us_, and I said: "Siegfried Sch. and the girl +drove in the fourth break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme +chause where he drove and with whom he was driving." (Of course that's +not true, but I said it was because of Aunt.) "Such language and such +a tone to your own Father!" Directly she said that Father was in such a +passion as I have never seen him in before. "My dear Alma, I really must +beg you not to interfere with _my_ educational methods, any more than +I ever attempt to interfere in _your_ affairs." Father said this quite +quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora told me afterwards +that I was quite white too, also from rage of course. Aunt Alma said: +"I don't want to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right +Goodbye." As soon as she had gone Dora and I rushed to Father and said: +"Please Father, don't be so frightfully angry; there's no reason why you +should." And Father was awfully sweet and said: "I know quite well that +I can trust you; you are my Berta's children." And then I simply could +not contain myself, and I said: "No, Father, I really did flirt with +Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm round my waist; but I did not +let him kiss me, I give you my word I did not. And if you want me +to I'll promise never to speak to him again." And then Father said: +"Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time yet for such affairs, and +even if that _red-haired rascal_ plays the gallant with you, he is only +making himself a laughing-stock. And you don't want that, do you, little +witch?" Then I threw my arms round Father and promised him _on my word +of honour_ that I would never speak to Siegfried again. For it really +distresses me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; and +that he should go out walking half the night with that girl; such +shamelessness! + +We were so much upset that we did not go for a walk, and of course did +not go to the raffle. But I'm frightfully sorry about those things I +paid 7 crowns for. I do hope he did not win any of them. + +August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this morning, as I was going +to breakfast, in the corridor I met S. (it's a good thing that is the +initial both of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called him) +and he said: "Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. Why weren't you at the +raffle? Hadn't you any share?"--"Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for +it, but I had no fancy for the company I should meet." -- -- Why, what +has taken you all of a sudden? They were the same people as at the +excursion! -- -- -- "Precisely for that reason," said I, and passed on. +I think I gave him what for, for he simply must have understood. Father +is really quite right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one's parents +to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a word against my +parents to anyone, although I'm often frightfully angry with them; of +course not about Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father; +I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For when we had that +trouble with Aunt Alma about Marina, I was really not in the least to +blame, but he scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so that I +can never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to some one whom I had +only just got to know, I would never say a word against anyone in our +family; though I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said much +against her even to Hella; at most that she was deceitful, and that +really used to be so, though she seldom is now. + +August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can't bear the word filthy, +but it's the only one that's strong enough. Oswald is coming this +evening, at last. Thank goodness. S. has made several _advances_, but I +have _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who can go out walking +with him half the night. I really _should_ like to know where they +went. In the night, I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a +dislike to S. from the first because he -- -- -- -- -- it's an absolute +lie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. It's simply not true, on the contrary +he has such entrancingly cool hands, I'm sure I must know that better +than Dora. But I've known for a long time that whenever anyone pays +_me_ attention Dora is _unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, on +Sunday I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must answer it to-day. + +August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did not forget my birthday, but +he says that at that time he was stoney, in student's slang that means +that he hadn't any money, and then he could not find anything suitable, +but that he will repair the omission as soon as we get back to Vienna. +But I don't know what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until +we all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few excursions _by +ourselves_. That is really the best way after all. I am not much with +the Weiners now, for we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But +Nelly is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our table +to-day, once about a book we had lent her, and once to arrange for a +walk. + +August 24th. It is really absurd that one's own brother can think such +a lot of one; but if he does, I suppose he knows. Oswald said to +me to-day: "Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you are +developing." I said: "I don't want anyone to bite me," and he said: "Nor +do I," but I was awfully delighted, though he is only my brother. He +can't stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; I think he's +right, really. And I simply can't understand Dr. P., that he can always +find something to talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to me +yet. Still, I don't care. + +August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, and we had a lovely +view. The two boys came, for they had begged their father to let them; +but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. Oswald calls Aunt Alma +_Angular Pincushion_, but only when Father isn't there, for after all +she is Father's sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said +that my brother was staying only a few days more, and that this was a +"farewell excursion _en famille_." They were rather hurt, but they have +made me very angry by the way in which they will go on talking about S. +in front of me, on purpose, saying that he is engaged or is going to +be engaged to the actress girl against his father's will. What does +it matter to _me_? They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, +especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am so sad now at times +that I simply can't understand how I could have enjoyed myself so much +on the big excursion. I'm always thinking of dear Mother, and I often +wear my black frock. It suits my mood better. + +August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to-morrow. At least the old +gentleman said to Father the day before yesterday: "Thank the Lord, we +shall soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more." That is +what Hella's grandmother used to say before they came back from the +country. And to-day I saw two great trunks standing in the passage just +outside Herr Scharrer's room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman charming; +well, there's no accounting for tastes. I don't believe he's ever +spoken to S., though he is a German Nationalist too, but of a different +section; Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that section +frightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged to the Sudmark. + +August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, the whole family has +gone. They came to bid us goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left +this morning by the 9 o'clock train to Innsbruck. And his hands are not +clammy, I paid particular attention to the point; it is pure imagination +on Dora's part. He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That's a +splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between Hella and me. + +September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because people are really +beginning to stare at their mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to +me she told me she hated having to travel with her mother and whenever +possible she would lag behind a little so that people should not know +they belonged together. + +September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! S. has come back, alone +of course. Everyone is indignant, for he has only come back because of +Fraulein A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him like anything. +This afternoon Frau Lunda said to Aunt Dora: "It's simply scandalous, +and his parents certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even if +the girl's mother does not know any better." Then Oswald said: "Excuse +me, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is no longer a schoolboy who must cling to +his mother's apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy of a +full-grown German." I was so pleased that he gave a piece of his mind +to Frau L., for she is always glaring at one and is so frantically +inquisitive. And _tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. used it once +when he was speaking of his sister and why she had never married. Frau +L. was furious. She turned to Aunt Dora and said: "Young men naturally +take one another's part, until they are fathers themselves and then they +hold other views." + +September 8th. Thank goodness we are going home the day after to-morrow. +It really has been rather dull here, certainly I can't join in the paean +Hella sang about the place last year; of course they were not staying in +the Edelweiss boarding house but in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. +It makes a lot of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, it +has just occurred to me. The young wife who had the eruption after +_infection_ can't have been divorced, as Hella wrote me the week before +last; for her husband has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the +Theatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that actors really are all +_infected_; and Hella always says it is only officers! She takes rather +an exaggerated view. + +September 14th. We have been back in Vienna since the 11th, but I have +been absolutely unable to write, though there was plenty to write about. +For the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to fetch +some cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was Lieutenant R. Viktor, _the +Conqueror!!_ Of course he recognised me immediately, and was awfully +friendly, and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually after +Dora, but it is obvious that he is not in love with her any more. And +it was so funny that he should not know that Dora had matriculated this +year and so would not be going to the High School any more. I did not +tell him that she intends to go on with her studies, for it is not +absolutely settled yet. + +September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I am so glad; I greeted her +with: _Hail!_ but she said; "don't be silly," besides, it's unsuitable +for an Austrian officer's daughter!!! Still, we won't quarrel about it +after 2 months' separation, and _Servus_ is very smart too though not +so distinguished. She told me a tremendous lot more about that young +married woman; some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was _in +love_ with the husband. That would be awful, for then she would get +infected too; but Hella says she did not notice anything, though she +watched very closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang at two +of the musical evenings, but she did not see any sign of it. Lizzi +is _engaged_, but Hella could not write anything about it, for the +engagement is only being officially announced now that they are back in +Vienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in London, and she met +him there. He is madly in love with her. In August he was on leave, and +he came to B. to make an offer of marriage; that is why they stayed the +whole summer in B. instead of going to Hungary. Those were the _special +circumstances_, about which Hella said she could not write to me. I don +t see why she could not have told me _that_, I should have kept it to +myself; and after all, Lizzi is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been +surprised that she is engaged at last. They can't have a great betrothal +party, for Baron G.'s father died in July. Hella is very much put out. +Lizzi says it does not matter a bit. + +September 18th. Lizzi's betrothal cards arrived to-day. It must be +glorious to send out betrothal cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, +though she said when I asked her: "Why do you flush up so, surely +there's no reason to be ashamed when anyone is _engaged!_" "Really, why +should you think I am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_." But +one does not get so red as _that_ from surprise. + +September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, for _she_ has gone. +And what was the Third is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sit +in the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau Doktor St. as class +mistress, and she is to teach us mathematics and physics once more; +Frau Doktor F., whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to call +Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed to the German High School +in Lemberg. For the time being we are sitting in our old place, but +Hella says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another seat, for +the memory of the three years when we had Frau Doktor M. might make us +inattentive. That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, in +French I am sorry to say it's still Frau Doktor Dunker, whose complexion +has not improved, and in English the head mistress. I am very pleased +with that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly I shall +be in her good books from the start because Dora was her favourite. Of +course I'm not learning Latin, for it would not interest me now that +Frau Doktor M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion teacher, for +Herr Professor K. has retired, since he was 60 already. + +September 21st. We have managed it. In the long interval, Hella said to +Frau Doktor St., who was in charge. "Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask +for something?" So she said: "What, in the very first week; well, what +is it?" We said we should like to move from the third bench towards the +window, for we found it very painful to go on sitting where we had sat +when Frau Doktor M., was there. At first she refused, but after a while +she said: "I'll see what I can do, if you are really not happy where +you are." From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, and as soon as Frau +Doktor Steiner had taken her place she said: "This arrangement of +your seats was only provisional. You had better sit more according to +height." Then she rearranged us all, and Hella and I were moved to the +5th bench on the window side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our +places; in front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike Hammer +whose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. We are awfully +glad that we have got away from that hateful third bench where _she_ +used so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the desk. + +September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German professor, came to-day +for the first time. He is always clearing his throat and he wears gold +spectacles. Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don't. I'm quite +sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German again. Yesterday the +new Religion master came for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella +being a Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill and his eyes +are always lowered though he has burning black eyes. Next time I shall +sit beside Hammer which will be company for us both. + +October 2nd. We had confession and communion to-day, and since the staff +will not allow us to choose our confessors, I had to go to Professor +Ruppy. I did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell me to speak +louder three times over. When I began about the sixth commandment he +covered his eyes with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask any +questions about that. The only one of the staff who used to allow us to +choose our confessors was Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow +it directly but when one ran quickly to another confessional box, she +pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof gives frightfully long +penances; all the girls who went to him took a tremendous time to get +through. I do hope he won't be so strict over his examinations or I +shall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. October 3rd. Father +was so splendid to-day! Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked +her not long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau Riedl, whose +husband died almost exactly the same time as Mother, for Father is +guardian to her three children. She was here to-day with Willi, because +he has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked it over, and +she said that if Father married Frau R., she would leave home. In the +evening when we were at supper, I said: "If only Frau v. R. was not +so ugly. Father, don't you think she's perfectly hideous? And Father +laughed so lovingly and said: You need not be anxious, little witch, +I'm not going to inflict a stepmother on you." I was so glad, and so was +Dora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora said: "I felt sure that +you would never break your oath to Mother," and she burst out crying. +And Father said: "No, girls, I did not give any promise to your Mother, +she would never have asked anything of the kind. But with grown girls +like you it would never do to bring a stepmother into the house." And +then I told Father that Dora would have gone away from home, and as +for me, I should certainly have been frightfully upset. For _if_ Father +really wanted _to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and so +would Dora. But Father said once more: "Don't worry, I certainly shan't +marry again." And I said: "Not even Aunt Dora?" And he said: "Oh, as +for her -- --" And then he pulled himself up and said: "No, no, not even +Aunt Dora." Dora has just told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely +I must know that Father is not particularly charmed by Aunt. And then +she blamed me for having told Father that she would leave home if he +were to marry again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrust +any secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least three quarters +of an hour, so it is already half past 11. Luckily to-morrow is a +holiday, because of the Emperor's birthday. But I am so glad to know for +certain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R I could never get on +with a stepmother. + +October 9th. It's horribly difficult in German this year. In composition +we are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straight +off and then _hand it in_. I simply can't. Professor Fritsch is very +handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict. +His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. He +has got a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to be +a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectly +fascinated by him, but I'm not in the least. For I always think of Prof. +W. in the Second, and that's enough for me. I'm not going to fall in +love with any more professors. In the Training College, where Marina is +now, in her fourth year one of the professors last year married a former +pupil. I would not do that at any price, marry a former professor, +who knows all one's faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 years +older than the girl; and that's perfectly horrible, one might as well +marry one's father; he would be at least fond of her, and she would at +least know the way he likes to have everything done; but to marry one's +former professor, what an extraordinary thing to do! + +October 15th. I'm frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse; +she says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation, +especially now that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That would +be awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she has +such pain; but she won't. + +October 19th. In November, Hella's father will be made a general and +will be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay here +with her grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go to +Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She is +frantically delighted. The good news has made her quite well again. +Everyone at school is very proud that there will be a general's daughter +in our class. It's true that there is a field-marshal's daughter in the +Third, but he is retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over +a retired officer. + +October 22nd. We are so much excited that we've hardly any time to learn +our lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella's mother several +of Geierstamm's novels. The other day one of them was lying on the +table, and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it and +read the title _The Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finished +it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we are +reading it. It's simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signe +whom he is so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried so +much that we could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whom +her father is everything; I can understand so well that she is always +anxious lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, although +she has a husband already. And when she dies, oh, it's so horrible and +so beautiful that we read it over three times in succession. The other +day my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said I must be working +too hard; for she thinks that Hella and I are studying literature +together. Oh dear, lessons are an awful nuisance when one has _such_ +books to read. + +October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novel _The +Power of Woman_; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes +she'll be able to get hold of some other book, but it's not so easy to +do without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to her +friends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don't want to +read _The Little Brother's Book_, the title does not attract us; but +there's a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, it must be splendid; we +_must_ get that whatever happens. + +October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella's +grandmother will come and live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ is +going to C., and of course Hella's mother too. Lizzi will stay, for she +is taking cooking lessons, since she is to be _married_ in Mid-Lent. + +October 31st. Hella's parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, for +she did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she +is engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, +either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which. + +November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the German +lesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper places +for commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at all +in previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming at +Frau Doktor M., whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times +better than Professor F.'s. And on this very matter of punctuation Frau +Doktor M. took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples. +Besides, whether one has a good style or not does not depend upon +whether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, who +towards the end were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who +were Frau Doktor M.'s favourites, ought to write a composition without a +single comma, just to show him. That's a splendid idea, and Hella and I +will do it like a shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too. + +November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ have at least two outings +every month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last school +year, when Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly have gone +every time. But this year, when she has left, we can't enjoy it. Frau +Doktor St. is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go +somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi if +she likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganing +parties at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. + +December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but I +must write to-day! There's been such a row in the German lesson!! We got +back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner, +Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing would +have been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas first +and then scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. noticed +anything we would say we had meant to go through them together before +the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had no +time. Now the silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going to +bring the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, it's simply +_impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark. + +December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lesson +to-day. Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all the +knowledge which Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the +firm foundation of our further development in the higher classes. In the +English lesson she referred to the more restricted use of punctuation +marks in English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned to the +office. The whole school knew about the trouble and was astonished at +our courage, especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were +rather annoyed that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head +gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled piece +of impudence, and that we were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. Then +Hella said very modestly: "Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to +say a word in our defence?" Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch never +missed a chance of casting a slur upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain +words of course, but so that we could not fail to understand it, and +that was why we acted as we did. The head answered we must certainly be +mistaken, that no member of the staff could ever speak against another +in such a way we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we know +perfectly well how often the Nutling used to say in the Maths lesson: +"Don't you know _that_? Surely you _must_ have been taught that." The +emphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we were told +to do our best to make amends before the meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds +suggested that we should write the compositions over again, of course +with all the commas, and should place them on his desk to-morrow morning +before the German lesson; but all the rest of us were against this, for +we saw plainly that the head had changed colour when Hella said what +she did. We shall make the corrections and then we shall all begin new +copybooks. + +December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a word +has been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterday +the Prof. gave out the subject for the third piece of home work without +saying anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has saved +us all, for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did, +even I. Hella said: "My dear Rita, I'm not an officer's daughter for +nothing;" if _I_ have not courage, who should have? The girls stare at us +in the interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the head +said to us: "I do hope that this business will not be spread all over +the school." But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler's +sister is in the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard about +it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our parents or something +would have happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I have +already dropped a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, is +no longer at the school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss. +It was only at first that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite right +when she said: "I'm sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in the +right_." + +December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do our +Christmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned into +Tuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices trembled_. He +does look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And the +green facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat +quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as the +Upper Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throat +trouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that +-- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he kissed our hands, _mine as well +as Dora's_, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. +Several times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. But when Dora +does not want a thing, you can do what you like and she won't budge; +she's as obstinate as a mule! She's always been like that since she was +quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! That meant: Dora +won't; little wretch! such a wilful little beast! + +December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on the +Anninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow +lay fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As we +were going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caught +her foot on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She +had to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so badly +that every one believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing. +Her grandmother was frightfully angry and said: "That comes of such +_unladylike_ amusements!" Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she had +been with us, but Father said: Hella's grandmother is quite an old lady, +and in her day people had very different views in this respect. I should +say so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, all +the things she must not say and must not do, and all the things which +are unsuitable for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her +under a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be able +to see out, and _no one_ must be able to see _in_. (The last is the main +point.) + +December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas, +and not a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has proved +splendidly right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with every +member of the staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who is +a newcomer and did not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o'clock the +other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, and +says that the whole tone of the place is utterly different, she is so +glad to have done with the High School. She had heard of the affair +with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon our _strength of character_, +especially Hella of course. She says that the matter is common talk in +all the High Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl at +the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sister +is at the School of Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she is +annoyed that such an institution should still be called a school; it's +not a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see how free they +all are. She is very pretty and has even more figure than she used +to have. She speaks very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that +everyone turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will be able to +invite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ I should never be able to +stand on a stage before a lot of strangers, I know I would never be able +to get a word out. + +December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday she +got such bad influenza and sore throat that she can't go to Cracow. She +says she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has been +spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretched +influenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her +father will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on, +Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simply +don't dare to think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says +too that it can't be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder what +Father will say when he sees Mother's portrait. I do hope the frame will +be ready to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able +to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with a +lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, and +he is madly in love with her. He knows that her father is a general, for +when her father went to kiss the Emperor's hand he took Hella part of +the way with him in the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenant +then. So now he salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall and +looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that she +_invariably_ denies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tell +her, or if she notices anything I don't deny it. What's the sense of it +between friends? for example, the year before last she was certainly +in love with the young doctor in the hospital. And in September when +we came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant in the flying +corps, I made no secret of the fact that I was frantically in love with +him. But she did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, when +people don't see one another for months and flirt with others between +whiles. That was aimed at Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it's +really too absurd. + +December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M., at least she is Frau +Professor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas good +wishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wished +me a happy New Year, _she took the lead in this_; it was heavenly. I was +frightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to save +herself the trouble of writing again; I'm sure that's not true. Dora +always says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, her +divine letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_ +photograph too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that was +all Hella had sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. as a +stepmother, that is, not quite well, but better than anyone else. She +wrote so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I should find this +Christmas less happy than usual. She is certainly right there. We can +none of us feel as if the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. +The only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way Father will +stare when he sees the portrait. But really in the first years after +such a loss one ought not to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels +one's sadness more than ever. + +December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but I +must write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning at +about half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that +she must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open, +prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there was +a gentleman standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew +him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. Meanwhile +Dora had opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof of +deceitfulness: She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: "Ah, Dr. +Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word." So it was plain that +he had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he was +coming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black silk apron with +the insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What a +humbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora came +in and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the time +he had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed +that there was such a person as me in the world Not until he was +actually leaving did he say: "Well; Fraulein, how are you?" "Oh well," +said I, "I'm much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother's +death." Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how to +treat him _if_ he becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long way +off; for he lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dora +to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was so +enraged at this deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, or +whatever time it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in a +white blouse with a black bow, and had remained in her room till the +last minute so that I might not know what she was wearing. For I had +believed she would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so I +was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. At supper he talked all +the time to Dora, so I purposely talked to Oswald. Then he said that on +March 1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora was +not in the least astonished, so _she must have known all about it!_ But +now I remember quite well that in October the postman handed me a letter +for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was _corresponding with +him openly the whole time_, less than 6 months after Mother's death. +It really is too bad! But when I was chattering about the country, she +kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh so frightfully. And +when my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it does make me laugh, two or +three years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora Inspe, +because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The bridal pair in spe! And +now she is in the same position. When he went away in the evening I was +trembling lest Father should invite him to the Christmas tree, but +thank goodness when Father asked: "What are you doing with yourself +to-morrow," he answered: "To-morrow I am spending the day with my +sister's family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way." Thank +goodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for +visitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew +-- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of course I gave +up believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. There +are so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a newspaper +feuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle of +Love_. But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can see by +Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem alike in this +respect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi's engagement. It is +true, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not at home; but +there was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it mean? +Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister +_everything_? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Oh +well, _I_ don't care, I'm not going to let my Christmas Eve be disturbed +by a thing _like that_; if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all. +On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall tell Hella +that I want to come to her and her grandmother. After all, I am glad she +has stayed in Vienna. + +December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. We all three got +Mother's picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms. +Dora sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and put +my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. Only +Oswald did not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so +glad that Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to cry +before strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure blouses, not lace +blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, and +she also gave me an anthology which I had asked for. Brahms' Hungarian +Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last year because she said +they were too difficult for me; as if _that_ were any business of hers; +surely my music mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper +with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hair +ribbons and other trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother's +portrait; of course we had not known that he was getting us life-size +portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph of the winter before +last we had quite a small likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a +painter, and who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. And we got +a lovely rococo frame to close up; when it is open it looks as if Mother +were looking out of the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitz +thought it _most original_. Dora considered it very awkward that he +would not take any money for it, but it made it possible for us to get a +much more elegant frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going +to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought with _our own_ money, +I wanted to send them for Christmas, but we don't know anything about +cigars, and we did not want to tell anyone because one can never know +whether one won't be betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional; +but that is not true, for when one betrays anything one has always +secretly intended to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the +tongue; but one really knows all the time. I can't write down all the +extra things that Dora got, only one of them: At 7 o'clock just when +Father was lighting the candles on the tree, a commissionaire brought +some lovely roses with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath a +nosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. with a card, but she +would not let anyone read that. All she said was: "Dr. P. sends +everyone Christmas greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_ +Christmas," but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, and Hella gave me +a bead bag, and I gave her a purse with the double eagle on it, for she +wanted a purse that would have a military look. I never knew anyone with +such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; certainly I think officers +look awfully smart; but surely it's going too far when she feels that +other men practically don't exist. The others have to learn a lot, for +example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, not to speak of students +at the College of Agriculture, for perhaps these last "hardly count" +(that's the phrase Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn +a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will admit that, and +always begins to talk of the officers of the general staff; as if they +_all_ belonged to the general staff! We have often argued about it. +Still, I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of course one +who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise it's no go; for Father +says the Bruckners have no private means. It's true he always says that +of us too, but I don't believe it; we are not so to say rich, but I +fancy we should both of us have enough money for an officer to be able +to marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_ +she is really going to marry Dr. P. + +27th. Well, I went to Hella's yesterday and stayed till 9, and on +Christmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. were +not well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always get +a great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdays +and name days (of course Protestants don't have these last), but we +don't give one another such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had +been given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at the +dancing class which must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collar +and cuffs, which we had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, +then she had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of smaller things +which she never even looked at. And to see all the things her sister +got, things for her _trousseau!_ And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 +crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I think +that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and I said to Hella: "You must +be enormously rich." And she said: "Oh well, not so rich as all that; I +must not expect to marry an officer on the general staff. Lizzi has done +very well for herself for Paul is a baron and is very well off. He is +frantically in love with her; queer taste, isn't it?" I quite agree, for +Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, beautiful fair hair, +but she is so awfully thin, not a trace of b -- --, Hella has much more +figure. And if one hasn't any by the time one is 20 one is not likely to +get one. + +Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: "I say, what's +the Christian name of that Dr. who is dangling after your sister?" Then +it struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only has +Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when we +first made his acquaintance, Dora said, It's a pity he's called August, +the name does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quite +ill, for of course Hella began to sing: "O du lieber Augustin," and +then I thought of Der dumme August [clown's nickname in circus] and we +wondered what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darling +Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Then +we discussed what names we should like to have for our husbands, and I +said: Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn't you like Siegfried? But I +put my hand on her mouth and said: "Shut up, or you will make me really +angry, _that_ is and must remain forgotten." She said what she would +like best would be to have a husband called Peter or Thamian or +Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she would use Dami or Sosti; and then +she said quite seriously that she would only marry a man called Egon, or +Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that moment her mother came in to +call us to tea, and she said: "What's an that about Alexander and Georg? +You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together for a couple +of minutes (I had come at half past 2 and the Brs. have tea at 4, +and that's what Hella's mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of +unsuitable things." Hella was afraid her mother would think God knows +what, so she said: "Oh no, Mother, we were only discussing what names we +should like our fiances to have." You ought to have seen how her mother +went on. "That's just it, that when you are barely 15 (I'm not 15 yet) +you should have nothing but _such_ things in your heads!" _Such_ things, +how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was the other evening +at home; for the Herr Baron was there, that is, they all say Du to one +another now, for the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is +settled whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be transferred to +Berlin. It must be funny to say "Du" to a strange man. Hella says she +soon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings +Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he always gives +Hella a box for herself. _Other_ people would certainly not do that, and +I know _other_ people who wouldn't accept it. When I got home, Father +said: Well, another time I think you'd better stay and sleep at the +Brs., and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy here. And Oswald said: +"What you need is a box on the ear," Father was luckily out of the room +already and so I said: "_Your_ children, if you ever have any, can be +kept in order by boxing their ears till they are green and blue, but you +have no rights over your sisters, Father told you so in Fieberbrunn." +"Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has done so from the +first." "Please don't draw me into your quarrels," said Dora, as if she +had been something quite different from me. And then Aunt Dora said: "I +do wish you would not keep on quarreling." "_I_ didn't begin it," said +I, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went to Father's +room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, but I +_didn't_ say goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I'm not going to put up +with _everything_. And now it's half past 11 already, for I have been +writing such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I'm _very_ +unhappy. Even Hella doesn't know how unhappy I am. I must go to bed +now; whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly +manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. + +31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and mother +returned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother she +was going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to the +Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round the +cemetery while I went to darling Mother's grave. I am so unhappy; Hella +consoles me as much as she can, but even she can't understand. + +January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New Year's Eve yesterday, but +were quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought +Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets as a +New Year's greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming here +on the evening of the 3rd. I can't say I look forward to it. To-morrow +school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck; +Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through the +day in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year's day at 2 +in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_ + +January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece of +_luck_ to-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls in +the hall, and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau +Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them, +she saw us directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She has +come to visit her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she did +not know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school she +had not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and +so entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau Doktor +Dunker came in I saw that _she_ was still standing outside. So I put my +handkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out +to her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms to +me. Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: "Of course I +understood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and look +after you." Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: "You +are such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately." But +of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged her +to let us stay with her, but she said: "No, no, I've been your teacher +here, and I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a better +idea. Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?" "Rather," we both +exclaimed. She said she was staying in a hotel, but we must not come +alone to a hotel, so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, +and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we kissed both her +hands and were so happy! To-morrow at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and +nearly a whole day to wait. "If your parents allow you," she said; as +if Father or even Hella's grandmother would not allow _that!_ All Father +said was: "All right Gretel, but don't go quite off your head first or +you won't be able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy as +you are?" Of course, how can one be otherwise? + +January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it's awful, Hella is coming to fetch me at +half past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and all +the other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, +what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we had +just time to make a memento for _her_, since she does not leave until +the evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silk +for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T., the new one of +course. Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. +I would rather have done something of that sort too, but I have no +patience for such work, so I often spoil it before I've finished. But +one can't very well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan't get the +tracing on the silk back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall +have to work all night and the whole day to-morrow. + +Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like to +take it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and I +shan't get it until to-morrow morning early. So I'm able to write now: +It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house for +at least half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so +sweet to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply would not +have it_, and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts of +things, I don't know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, and +then she drew me to her b -- --, no, I can't write that about her; she +drew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ and went almost +crazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I'm sure +that's all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has such +fascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ glistens so on her divine +ring finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenly +said: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when half +the class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks. +"Oh," we said, "that is a frightful cram, it wasn't _half_ the class, +but only 6 of us who have a special veneration for you." Then we told +her how it all came about. She laughed a little, and said: "Well, girls, +you did not do me any particular _service_. It really was a great piece +of impertinence." But I said: "Prof. Fritsch's remarks were 10 times +more impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, and +what was worse to you." Then she said: "My darling girls, that often +happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whether +justly or unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession." Hella +said that the head mistress was not like that or there would have been a +frightful row, since the matter had become known in all the High Schools +of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: "Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really +a splendid woman." Then there came something glorious, or really 2 +glorious things: (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than I +have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs in +the matter of sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this: +after we had been there some time, there was a knock at the door and in +came _her_ husband, the Herr Prof., and said: "How are you my treasure?" +and to us: "Goodday, young _ladies_." Then she introduced us, saying: +"Two of my best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents." Then the +Herr Prof. laughed a great deal and said: "That can't be said of all +pupils." So I said quickly: "Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, the +whole class would go through fire for her." Then he went away, and she +said: "Excuse me for a moment," and we could hear quite plainly that _he +kissed her_ in the next room, and then she said as she came in again: +"Oh well, be off with you, Karl, goodbye." It's a pity his name is Karl, +it's so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alone +he calls her Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed, +it's half past 11 already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, my +sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy. + +January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can't go +tobogganing because Dora has a _chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the +4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up +at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o'clock we +took our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to give +them to her ourselves, we didn't, but only gave them to the maid. She +said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: "No, thank you, we don't want +to disturb Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh +no, it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know what _she_ +said: But my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not do +that on _my_ account!" Oh dear, I'm crying so that I can hardly write, +but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that's glorious to put +down, things that I must never, never forget, even if it should take me +a week to write. The great thing is that I shall simply live upon this +memory, and the only thing I want in life is that I may see _her_ once +more. Of course we took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of the +valley with violets and tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She was +delighted, and went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought +in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair is grey, she is +charming; but she is not in the least like Frau Doktor M. When we said +goodbye she offered us still more sweets, but since we were both nearly +crying already we did not want to take any more, but she wrapped them +nearly all up for us, saying: "To console you in your sorrow." From +anyone else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it was simply +lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and Hella gave me 9 of them and took +only 8 for herself. I shall eat only one every day, so that they will +last me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not so frightfully +in love as I am, and yesterday she said, in joke of course: "It seems to +me that your whole world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you'll +be drowned." And then she asked me how I could have been so stupid as to +use the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, although she hemmed to warn me. +She said it really was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. +blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her _husband_ came in, she +certainly did flush up like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lot +of _other things of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask her +whether she has given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof. +really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ like one. For lots of other +men wear black beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks +it is a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about such +things_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? Oh, it would be +horrible. Of course she may have entered into a _marriage_ contract, +that would have been the best way. However, Hella thinks that the +professor would not have agreed to anything of the kind. But surely if +he was frantically in love with her . . . + +January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We did +not say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invited +to see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us and +in the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut it +in two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given +by some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: "Doubly +sweetened, by chocolate and love." "Yes," said I, "but not in the sense +you imagine." And since she said: "Oh, of course, I know all about that, +but I don't want to be indiscreet," Hella said: "I may as well tell you +that Frau Doktor M., or I should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer, +gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invited +us to go and see her." Then they were all utterly kerblunxed and +said: "Great Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.'s +favourites, especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M." + +January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her, +the glorious one! I've just been reading it over, and I see that I have +left a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we were +leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because as +I opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an old +gentleman came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we were +crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to us +and asked what was the matter. Then Hella said: "We have lost out best +friend." Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously long +time and said: "I say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers of +Frau Doktor Mallburg? She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: +But you really can't go through the streets bathed in tears like that. +Come upstairs again with me and my daughter will console you." So we +really did go upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her father +opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your admirers simply can't part +from you, and I found them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. +Then she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing-gown!!!_ exquisite. +And she led us into the room and said: "Girls, you must not look at me +in this old rag, which is only fit to throw away." I should have liked +to say: "Give it to _me_ then." But of course I could not. And when we +made our final goodbye, perhaps _for ever_, she kissed each of us _twice +over_ and said: Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world! + +January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. But +I'm not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. That +was not a _real_ love. I don't care for anyone in the whole world except +her, my one and only! Even Hella can't understand that, in fact she +thinks it _dotty_. Father wanted me to go to Hella's _to change the +current of my thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ to +anyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed that +Father would be just like anyone else. It's quite true that I'm getting +thin. I'm so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dora +has a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So I am going to the church in +Schwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhaps +I shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day before +yesterday. + +January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me _by return!_ This is the +second letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: "Hullo, +Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you with +such a sunny face for a long time." So I answered in as few words as +possible: "After dinner I will tell _you_ why." For the others need not +know anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof. +Th. had written to me, Father said: "Oh, is _that_ what has pleased you +so much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you. +February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and if +you and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make an +excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?" It would be glorious, +if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that the +sore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on the +Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As if _we_ could help +that. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already, +and one forgets a lot when one is that age. + +Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try a +little skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: "All right, +I'll come, if you'll promise not to be continually talking about Frau +Professor Th. I'm very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy about +her." It's really too bad, and I shall never mention _her_ name to +the others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at +Mariazell. We've never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah, +it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I'm +frantically excited. + + + +EDITOR'S NOTE + + +Rita's joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening snow-clad +hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate was thrust into the +lives of the two sisters. On January 29th their father, suddenly struck +down with paralysis, was brought home in an ambulance, and died in a few +hours without recovering consciousness. + +Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, separated +from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had to struggle for +peace of soul in the isolation of a provincial town -- -- -- + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Young Girl's Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY *** + +***** This file should be named 752.txt or 752.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/5/752/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +purchased from Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + + + +A Young Girl's Diary +Prefaced with a Letter by +Sigmund Freud +Translated by +Eden and Cedar Paul + + +CONTENTS + +FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12 +SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13 +THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14 +LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2 +CONCLUSION + + + +PREFACE + + +THE best preface to this journal written by a young +girl belonging to the upper middle class is a letter +by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, 1915, a letter +wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist +testifies to the permanent value of the document: + + +"This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has +anything been written enabling us to see so clearly +into the soul of a young girl, belonging to our social +and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal +development. We are shown how the sentiments pass +from the simple egoism of childhood to attain maturity; +how the relationships to parents and other members +of the family first shape themselves, and how +they gradually become more serious and more intimate; +how friendships are formed and broken. We +are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards its +first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery +of the sexual life first presses itself vaguely on +the attention, and then takes entire possession of the +growing intelligence, so that the child suffers under +the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes +enabled to shoulder the burden. Of all these things +we have a description at once so charming, so serious, +and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of supreme +interest to educationists and psychologists. + +"It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the +diary. All students of my own writings will be grateful +to you." + +In preparing these pages for the press, the editor +has toned down nothing, has added nothing, and has +suppressed nothing. The only alterations she has +made have been such as were essential to conceal the +identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned +in the document. Consequently, surnames, Christian +names, and names of places, have been changed. +These modifications have enabled the original author +of the diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal +of serious readers. + +No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults +in grammar and other inelegancies of style. For the +most part, these must not be regarded as the expression +of a child's incapacity for the control of language. +Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of +affective trends, as errors in functioning brought +about by the influence of the Unconscious. + +THE EDITOR. +VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919. + + + + +FIRST YEAR +AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE + + +FIRST YEAR + + +July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. +We both agreed that when we went to the high school +we would write a diary every day. Dora keeps a +diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call +Helene "Hella," and she calls me "Rita;" Helene and +Grete are so vulgar. Dora has taken to calling herself +"Thea," but I go on calling her "Dora." She says +that little children (she means me and Hella) ought +not to keep a diary. She says they will write such a +lot of nonsense. No more than in hers and Lizzi's. + +July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing +until after the holidays, but since we are both going +away, we are beginning now. Then we shall know +what we have been doing in the holidays. + +The day before yesterday we had an entrance +examination, it was very easy, in dictation I made +only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The mistress +said that didn't matter, I had only made a slip. That +is quite true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has +an _h_ in it. We were both dressed in white with rose- +coloured ribbons, and everyone believed we were +sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to +have a cousin. But it's still nicer to have a friend, +for we can tell one another everything. + +July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because +of her Hella and I are really sorry that we are not +going to a middle school. Then every day before +lessons began we could have had a talk with her in +the class-room. But we're awfully pleased because +of the other girls. One is more important when one +goes to the high school instead of only to the middle +school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. +"They are bursting with pride" (that's what my +sister says of me and Hella, but it is not true). "Our +two students" said the mistress when we came away. +She told us to write to her from the country. I shall. + +July 15th. Lizzi, Hella's sister, is not so horrid +as Dora, she is always so nice! To-day she gave +each of us at least ten chocolate-creams. It's true +Hella often says to me: "You don't know her, what +a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very +nice to me." Certainly it is very funny the way in +which she always speaks of us as "the little ones" +or "the children," as if she had never been a child +herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. +Besides we're just the same as she is now. She is in +the fourth class and we are in the first. + +To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. +I'm frightfully excited. Hella went away to-day to +Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother and +Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. + +July 19th. It's awfully hard to write every day +in the holidays. Everything is so new and one has +no time to write. We are living in a big house in +the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight +off for her own writing. At the back of the house +there are such swarms of horrid little flies; everything +is black with flies. I do hate flies and such +things. I'm not going to put up with being driven +out of the front veranda. I won't have it. Besides, +Father said: "Don't quarrel, children!" (_Children_ +to _her_ too! !) He's quite right. She puts on such +airs because she'll be fourteen in October. "The +verandas are common property," said Father. +Father's always so just. He never lets Dora lord +it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of +Dora. I'm writing to Hella to-day. She's not written +to me yet. + +July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and +such a jolly letter. I don't know what I should do +without her! Perhaps she will come here in August +or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I +would rather go to stay with her. I like paying long +visits. Father said: "We'll see," and that means +he'll let me go. When Father and Mother say We'll +see it really means Yes; but they won't say "yes" +so that if it does not come off one can't say that they +haven't kept their word. Father really lets me do +anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice +my piano regularly perhaps she'll let me go. I must +go for a walk. + +July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must +write every day, for one must keep a promise and we +swore to write every day. I. . . . + +July 23rd. It's awful. One has no time. Yesterday +when I wanted to write the room had to be cleaned +and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had not +written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all +my pages blew away. We write on loose pages. Hella +thinks it's better because then one does not have to +tear anything out. But we have promised one another +to throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. +Why should we? One can tell a friend everything. +A pretty friend if one couldn't. Yesterday when I +wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me +savagely, saying What do you want? As if the +arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted to bag +the front veranda all for herself. She's too sickening. + +Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. +It was lovely. Father was awfully jolly and we +pelted one another with pine-cones. It was jolly. +I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. +She let out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn't +feel it _there_. As she went by she said Pig! It doesn't +matter, for I know she understood me and that what +I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes +about every day to Erika and what she writes +in her diary. Mother was out of sorts and stayed at +home. + +July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. +Father says: You children have Sundays every day. +That's quite true in the holidays, but not at other +times. The peasants and their wives and children +are all very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like +those I have seen in the theatre. We are wearing +our white dresses to-day, and I have made a great +cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because +I sat down upon some fallen cherries. So this afternoon +when we go out walking I must wear my pink +dress. All the better, for I don't care to be dressed +exactly the same as Dora. I don't see why everyone +should know that we are sisters. Let people think we +are cousins. She does not like it either; I wish I +knew why. + +Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully +pleased. He is older than Dora, but I can always get +on with him. Hella writes that she finds it dull without +me; so do I. + +July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. +She is staying at Achensee. I should like to see her. +Every afternoon we bathe and then go for a walk. +But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. +I forgot to bring my paint-box and I'm not allowed +to read all day. Mother says, if you gobble all your +books up now you'll have nothing left to read. That's +quite true, but I can't even go and swing. + +Afternoon. I must write some more. I've had a +frightful row with Dora. She says I've been fiddling +with her things. It's all because she's so untidy. +As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she +left her letter to Erika lying about on the table, and +all I read was: He's as handsome as a Greek god. +I don't know who "he" was for she came in at that +moment. It's probably Krail Rudi, with whom she +is everlastingly playing tennis and carries on like +anything. As for handsome--well, there's no accounting +for tastes. + +July 26th. It's a good thing I brought my dolls' +portmanteau. Mother said: You'll be glad to have +it on rainy days. Of course I'm much too old to play +with dolls, but even though I'm 11 I can make dolls' +clothes still. One learns something while one is doing +it, and when I've finished something I do enjoy it so. +Mother cut me out some things and I was tacking +them together. Then Dora came into the room and +said Hullo, the child is sewing things for her dolls. +What cheek, as if she had never played with dolls. +Besides, I don't really play with dolls any longer. +When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously +that I made a great scratch on her hand, and said: +Oh, I'm so sorry, but you came too close. I hope +she'll know why I really did it. Of course she'll +go and sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has +she to call me child. She's got a fine red scratch anyhow, +and on her right hand where everyone can see. + +July 27th. There's such a lot of fruit here. I +eat raspberries and gooseberries all day and Mother +says that is why I have no appetite for dinner. But +Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But +why should it be unwholesome all at once? Hella +always says that when one likes anything awfully +much one is always scolded about it until one gets +perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper +with her mother, and then her mother says: We +make such sacrifices for our children and they reward +us with ingratitude. I should like to know what +sacrifices they make. I think it's the children who +make the sacrifices. When I want to eat gooseberries +and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_ not +_Mother's_. I've written all this to Hella. Fraulein +Pruckl has written to me. The address on her letter +to me was splendid, "Fraulein Grete Lainer, +Lyzealschulerin." Of course Dora had to know better than +anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from +the fourth upwards (because she is in the fourth) +they write "Lyzeistin." She said: "Anyhow, in the +holidays, before a girl has attended the first class +she's not a Lyzealschulerin at all." Then Father +chipped in, saying that _we_ (_I_ didn't begin it) really +must stop this eternal wrangling; he really could +not stand it. He's quite right, but what he said +won't do any good, for Dora will go on just the same. +Fraulein Pruckl wrote that she was _delighted_ that I +had written. As soon as I have time she wants me +to write to her again. Great Scott, I've always time +for _her_. I shall write to her again this evening after +supper, so as not to keep her waiting. + +July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. +The Warths have arrived, and I had to spend the +whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it rained +all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot +of round games and we played for sweets. I won +47, and I gave five of them to Dora. Robert is already +more than a head taller than we are, I mean than +Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein +Grete and carried my cloak which Mother sent me because +of the rain and he saw me home after supper. + +To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been +invited and Mother has made strawberry cream and +waffles. How spiffing. + +July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave +me a splendid parasol with a flowered border and +painting materials and Mother gave me a huge postcard +album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, +and Dora gave me a beautiful box of notepaper and +Mother had made a chocolate-cream cake for dinner +to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first +thing in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday +cards. And Robert had written on his: With +deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious to have +a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald +sent me a wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon +and the blade shoots out of its mouth instead of flame; +or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one can't be quite +sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father +says I was born under a lucky star. That suits me +all right, tip top. + +July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed +till our sides ached over Consequences. I was always +being coupled with Robert and oh the things we did +together, not really of course but only in writing: +kissed, hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; +but I say, I wouldn't do _that!_ quarrelled. That +won't happen, it's quite impossible! Then we drank +my health clinking glasses five times and Robert +wanted to drink it in wine but Dora said that would +never do! The real trouble was this. She always +gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me +and yesterday I was certainly first fiddle. + +Now I must write a word about to-day. We've +had a splendid time. We were in Tiefengraben with +the Warths where there are such a lot of wild strawberries. +Robert picked all the best of them for me, +to the great annoyance of Dora who had to pick +them for herself. Really I would rather pick them for +myself, but when some one else picks them for one +for _love_ (that's what Robert said) then one is quite +glad to have them picked for one. Besides, I did +pick some myself and gave most of them to Father +and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we +had in Flischberg I had to sit beside Erna instead +of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother says she is +_anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I +don't quite know what it means. Dora is always +saying that she is anemic, but of course that is not +true. And Father always says "Don't talk such stuff, +you're as fit as a fiddle." That puts her in such a +wax. Last year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor +said, she was always having palpitation and had to +take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that's where +Dora got the idea. + +August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because +I wrote and told her that I had spent the whole day +with the W's. Still, she is really my only friend or +I should not have written and told her. Every year +in the country she has another friend too, but that +doesn't put me out. I can't understand why she +doesn't like Robert; she doesn't know anything about +him except what I have written and certainly that +was nothing but good. Of course she does know him +for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she met him once +there. But one does not get to know a person from +seeing them once. Anyhow she does not know him +the way I do. Yesterday I was with the Warths +all day. We played Place for the King and Robert +caught me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna +said, that doesn't count, for I had let myself be caught. +But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a perfect +nuisance, she spoils everyone's pleasure. He's quite +right, but there's some one else just as bad. But I +do hope Erna has not told Dora about the kiss. If +she has everyone will know and I shouldn't like that. +I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt +Dora sent us. Robert and Liesel and I ate the rest. +They were so good and nearly all large ones. At +first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but +I said he must only have a big one. After that he +always picked out the big ones. When I came home +in the evening with the empty box Father laughed +and said: There's nothing mean about our Gretel. +Besides, Mother still has a great box full; I have no +idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I expect so. + +August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at +5. He's a great swell now; he's begun to grow a +moustache. In the evening Father took him to the +hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it +would be an awful bore, but he will certainly make +a good impression especially in his new tourist getup +and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa +sent love to all. I've never seen them. They have +sent a lot of cakes and sweets and Oswald grumbled +no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is +always smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: +Come along old chap, we'll go to the inn and have a +drink on the strength of your good report. It seems +to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything +when Dora and I have a good report, at most they +give us a present. Oswald has only Twos and Threes +and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satis- +factory, but I have nothing but Ones. He said something +to Father in Latin and Father laughed heartily +and said something I could not understand. I don't +think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or +English. Father knows nearly all languages, even +Czech, but thank goodness he doesn't talk them unless +he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station +when Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, +Mother says so too. When Robert pretends to speak +Czech it's screamingly funny. + +August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day +so now I am not allowed to bathe for a few days. +Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and +he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high +that I positively yell. To-day he made me really +angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular noodle. I +said, that's not true, boys can never stand one another. +Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I +like Oswald much better than Dora who always says +"the children" when she is talking of me and of Hella +and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as +big a goose as Erna. He's quite right there. Robert +says he is never going to smoke, that it is so vulgar, +that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about +Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he +will never grow a beard but will shave every day and +his wife will have to put everything straight to him. +But a beard suits Father and I can't imagine him +without a beard. I know I won't marry a man without +a beard. + +August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every +day. When we set off yesterday, Robert and I and +Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after us: +The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the +phrase from Oswald. I think it means in a hundred +years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she likes, we +shan't. Mother scolded her like anything and said +she mustn't say such stupid things. A good job too; +in spee, in spee. Now we always talk of her as Inspee, +but no one knows who we mean. + +August 6th. Hella can't come here, for she is going +to Klausenburg with her mother to stay with her +other uncle who is district judge there or whatever +they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I +think of a district judge I think of District Judge T., +such a hideous man. What a nose and his wife is so +lovely; but her parents forced her into the marriage. +I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, +I would much sooner not marry at all, besides she's +awfully unhappy. + +August 7th. There has been such a fearful row +about Dora. Oswald told Father that she flirted +so at the tennis court and he could not stand it. +Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn't +play tennis any more. What upset her more than +anything was that Father said in front of me: This +little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make +love to her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen +and she couldn't eat anything at supper because she +had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her headaches. +But I really can't see why I shouldn't go and +play tennis. + +August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn't the +student's fault at all but only Dora's. I can quite +believe that when I think of that time on the Southern +Railway. Still, they won't let me play tennis any +more, though I begged and begged Mother to ask +Father to let me. She said it would do no good for +Father was very angry and I mustn't spend whole +days with the Warths any more. Whole days! I +should like to know when I was a whole day there. +When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner +at least. What have I got to do with Dora's love +affairs? It's really too absurd. But grown-ups are +always like that. When one person has done anything +the others have to pay for it too. + +August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis +once more; I begged and begged until Father let me +go. Dora declares that nothing will induce her to ask! +That's the old story of the fox and the grapes. She +has been playing the invalid lately, won't bathe, and +stays at home when she can instead of going for +walks. I should like to know what's the matter with +her. What I can't make out is why Father lets her +do it. As for Mother, she always spoils Dora; Dora +is Mother's favourite, especially when Oswald is not +on hand. I can understand her making a favourite +of Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says +that parents have no favourites, but treat all their +children alike. That's true enough as far as Father +is concerned, although Dora declares that Father +makes a favourite of me; but that's only her fancy. +At Christmas and other times we always get the same +sort of presents, and that's the real test. Rosa Plank +always gets at least three times as much as the rest +of the family, that's what it is to be a favourite. + +August 12th. I can't write every day for I spend +most of my time with the Warths. Oswald can't +stand Robert, he says he is a cad and a greenhorn. +What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven't +spoken to Oswald except when I really had to. When +I told Erna and Liesel about it, they said that brothers +were always rude to their sisters. I said, I should +like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very +nice to his sisters. They said, Yes before you, because +he's on his best behaviour with you. Yesterday we +laughed like anything when he told us what fun the +boys make of their masters. That story about the +cigarette ends was screamingly funny. They have a +society called T. Au. M., that is in Latin Be Silent +or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the +society's secrets, and when they make a new member +he has to strip off all his clothes and lie down naked +and every one spits on his chest and rubs it and says: +Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go +to the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three +cuts with a cane and he has to swear that he will +never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes a cigar +and touches him with the lighted end on the arm +or somewhere and says: Every act of treachery will +burn you like that. And then the eldest, who has +a special name which I can't remember, tattoos on +him the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a +heart with the name of a girl. Robert says that if +he had known me sooner he would have chosen +"Gretchen." I asked him what name he had tattooed +on him, but he said he was not allowed to tell. I +shall tell Oswald to look when they are bathing and +to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters +frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks +to play on them is elected to the Rohon; to be a +Rohon is a great distinction and the others must always +carry out his orders. He said there was a lot +more which he couldn't tell me because it's too +tremendous. Then I had to swear that I would never +tell anyone about the society and he wanted me to take +the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn't do that and +he nearly forced me to my knees. In the end I had +to give him my hand on it and a kiss. I didn't mind +giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing +would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an +awful fright, for we were quite alone in the garden +and he took me by the throat and tried to force me +to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me +when we were quite alone for he said: I can't have +your name tattooed on me because it's against our +laws to have two names but now that you have sworn +I can let you know what I really am and think in +secret. + +I couldn't sleep all night for I kept on dreaming +of the society, wondering whether there are such +societies in the high school and whether Dora is in +a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it +would be horrible to have to strip naked before all +one's schoolfellows. Perhaps in the societies of the +high-school girls that part is left out. But I shouldn't +like to say for sure whether I'd have Robert's name +tattooed on me. + +August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there +are some schoolboy societies where they do very improper +things, but that never happened in their society. +But he didn't say what. I said, the stripping naked +seems to me awful; but he said, Oh, that's nothing, +that must happen if we're to trust one another, it's +all right as long as there's nothing improper. I wish +I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows +about it, and whether he is in such a society or in +a proper one and whether Father was in one. If I +could only find out. But I can't ask, for if I did +I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always +presses my left wrist without letting anyone see. He +said that is the warning to me to be silent. But he +needn't do that really, for I never would betray him +whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind +you to me. When he says that his eyes grow dark, +quite black, although his eyes are really grey and they +get very large. Especially in the evening when we +say goodbye, it frightens me. I'm always dreaming +of him. + +August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations +in honour of the emperor's birthday. We didn't +get home until half past twelve. At first we went +to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. +They fired salutes from the hills and there were beacons +flaring on the hill-tops; it was rather creepy although +it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once or +twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something +would happen or why it was. Then R. came and +talked such a lot. He is set on going into the army. +For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning +now is of no use to him. He says that doesn't +matter, that knowledge will give him a great pull. I +don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald says so to +make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite +away from the others and so we sat on a bench to wait +for them. Then I asked R. once more about the other +societies, the ones in which they do such improper +things. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would +not rob me of my innocence. I thought that very +stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn't know himself +and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, +was that anyone who joined the society was tickled +until he couldn't stand it any longer. And once one +of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightful +convulsions and they were afraid that everything would +come out. And since then in their society no more +tickling had been allowed. Shall I tickle you a little? +I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow you +daren't. + +He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me +and tickled me under the arm. It made me want to +laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there were still +lots of people going by. So he gave that up and +tickled my hand. I liked it at first, but then I got +angry and dragged my hand away. Just then Inspee +went by with two other girls and directly they had +passed us we followed close behind as if we had been +walking like that all the time. It saved me a wigging +from Mother, for she always wants us all to keep together. +As we went along R. said: Look out, Gretel, +I'm going to tickle you some day until you scream.-- +How absurd, I won't have it, it takes two to do that. + +By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 +turtledoves and a bag of sweets and R. won a knife, fork +and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. Inspee +won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror +which makes one look a perfect fright. A good job +too, for she fancies herself such a lot. + +August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has +happened. I have lost pages 30 to 34 from my diary. +I must have left them in the garden, or else on the +Louisenhohe. It's positively fiendish. If anyone was +to find them. And I don't know exactly what there +was on those pages. I was born to ill luck. If I +hadn't promised Hella to write my diary every day +I should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if +Mother were to get hold of it, or even Father. And +it's raining so fearfully to-day that I can't even go +into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above +all not alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, +for I didn't write anything yesterday or the +day before. It would be dreadful if anyone were to +find it. I am so much upset that I couldn't eat anything +at dinner, although we had my favourite +chocolate cream cake. And I'm so unhappy for Father +was quite anxious and Mother too and they both +asked what was the matter with me and I nearly +burst out crying before everyone. We had dinner in +the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away for 2 +days. But I couldn't cry in the room before Father +and Mother for that would have given the show away. +My only hope is that no one will recognise my writing, +for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary, +first of all so that no one may recognise our writing +and secondly because upright writing doesn't use up +so much paper as ordinary writing. I do hope it +will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the garden +very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day +so that I didn't even get cross when Inspee said: +"Have you been quarrelling with your future husband?" + +August 30th. It's not in the garden. I begged +Mother to let us go to Louisenhutte this afternoon. +Mother was awfully nice and asked what I was so +worried about, and whether anything had happened. +Then I couldn't keep it in any longer and burst out +crying. Mother said I must have lost something, +and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought +it was Hella's letter, the one which came on Tuesday, +so I said: No, much worse than that, my diary. +Mother said: Oh well, that's not such a terrible loss, +and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, +for there are all sorts of things written in it about +R. and his society. Look here, Gretel, said Mother, +I don't like this way you talk about R.; I really don't +like you to spend all your time with the Warths; +they're really not our sort and R. is not a fit +companion for you; now that you are going to the high +school you are not a little girl any longer. Promise +me that you'll not be eternally with the Warths.--All +right, Mother, I will break it off gradually so that +nobody will notice. She burst out laughing and kissed +me on both cheeks and promised me to say nothing +to Inspee about the diary for she needn't know everything. +Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and +perhaps the pages are still there. + +Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter +I found 2 pages all pulped by the rain and the writing +all run and one page was in the footpath quite torn. +Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of +his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and +partly burned. So no one had read anything. I am +so happy. And at supper Father said: I say, why +are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won +the big prize in the lottery? and I pressed Mother's +foot with mine to remind her not to give me away +and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems +to me there's a conspiracy against me in my own +house. And I said in a great hurry: Luckily we're +not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone +laughed and now thank goodness it's all over. Live +and learn. I won't let that happen again. + +August 31st. Really I'm not so much with the W's +and with R. I think he's offended. This afternoon, +when I went there to tea, he seized me by the wrist +and said: Your father is right, you're a witch. "You +need a castigation." How rude of him. Besides, I +didn't know what castigation meant. I asked Father +and he told me and asked where I had picked up the +word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard +one of them use it. What I really thought was that +castigation meant tickling. But it is really horrid to +have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone +already and we have only a week longer. About that +castigation business. I don't like fibbing to Father, +but I really had to. I couldn't say that R. wanted to +give me a castigation when I didn't know what it +meant. Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I +always love catching her in a lie for her lies are so +obvious. I'm never caught. It only happened once +when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father +noticed that time, for he said: You little rogue, you +tarradiddler! + +September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. +I shall never speak to R. again. Oswald is quite +right in calling him a cad. If I had really fallen out +of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before +we have to start from home. I can't make out how +it all happened. It was frightful cheek of him to +tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a kick. I +think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he +actually dared to say: After all I'm well paid out, +for what can one expect when one keeps company +with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine +talk from him when he's not 14 himself yet. It was +all humbug about his being 15 and he seems to be +one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything +but Satisfactory in his reports, and he's not in the +fifth yet, but only in the fourth. Anyhow, we've +settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall never +tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope +my last secret from Hella. + +September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. +The last few days have been awfully dull. I saw +R. once or twice but I always looked the other way. +Father asked what was wrong between me and the +Warths and R., so that our great friendship had been +broken off. Of course I had to fib, for it was absolutely +_impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found +fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading +aloud. (That's quite true, he did that once) and +Father said: Well, well, you'll make it up when you +say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. +I'll never speak a word to him again. + +For her birthday, although it's not come yet, Dora +is to have a navy blue silk dustcloak. I don't think +the colour suits her, and anyhow she's much too thin +to wear a dustcloak. + +September 14th. Hella came back the day before +yesterday. She looks splendid and she says I do +too. I'm so glad that she's back. After all I told her +about R. She was very angry and said I ought to +have given him 2 more; one for the tickling and +one for the "baby" and one for the "young monkey." +If we should happen to meet him, shan't we just glare +at him. + +September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk +dustcloak but I think the tartan hood looks rather +silly. Still, I didn't say so, but only that the cloak +fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five +times already. I don't know whether Father really +wants to treat her as a grown-up lady or whether +he is making fun of her. I believe he's only making +fun. She doesn't really look like a grown-up lady. +How could she when she's not 14 yet? Yesterday +afternoon such a lot of girls were invited, and of +course Hella was invited on my account and we had +a grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully +about the country where they _said_ they had been. We +were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I care about. + +September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the +way, we have agreed to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High +School] and not School. I'm frightfully curious. + +September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella +came to fetch me and we went along together. Inspee +peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in front +of her. We don't want her as governess. There +are 34 of us in the class. Our teachers are a Frau +Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and I think a +drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches +German and writing. She put us together on the +3rd bench. Then she made a speech, then she told +us what books to get, but we are not to buy them +till Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 +short. The long one is for games, the short ones +to go out. I usen't to go out at the elementary school +and now I don't need to. Mother always says that +it's only a bad habit. Most of the girls went out, +and even asked to leave the room during lesson time. +To-day we hadn't any proper lessons. They are to +begin to-morrow, but we don't know what. Then +we came home. + +September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who +teaches geography and history, she has no degree. +Inspee says that she had her last year, but she could +not stand her, she's so ugly. Father was angry and +said to Inspee: You silly goose, don't fill her head +with such stuff. Show what you are worth as elder +sister. One can learn something from every mistress +and every master if one likes. But I can't say, we're +really fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don't much +care for geography and history. Besides I'm not +learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. Mallburg +is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write +Frau Dr. M. for short. When she laughs she has +two dimples and a gold stopping. She is new at the +school. I don't know if we are to have singing too. +In French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully +dressed, black lace. Hella has a lovely pen and +pencil case; it's quite soft, we must have it soft so +that it shan't make a row when it falls down during +lesson time. I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, +I don't know exactly. To-day lessons went on until +12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion for +Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited +for me, for the Herr Pastor did not come. + +September 24th. We thought the book shops would +be open to-day but we were wrong. Hella's mother +said, that's what happens when the chicks think +themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon +Hella came to our house and Inspee had been invited +by the Fs. I don't go there, for it's so dull, they +play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my +lessons. My music lessons will begin when the school +time-table has been fixed up. Perhaps on October 1st, +then I must write to Frau B., she told me to write +myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would +rather have had Hella's music mistress. But she +has no time to spare and I think she charges more. +At least she wouldn't always be holding me up +"Fraulein Dora" as a model. We are not all so +musical as Fraulein Dora. In the evening Inspee +was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock +and she simply howled over it. She said she had +not, but I heard her and she could hardly speak. +She says she had a cold, liar. + +September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors' +time-table, but it won't work until the professors +from the Gymnasium know exactly when they can +come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a +Gymnasium, but since there is only one here she +teaches in our school. To-morrow we are going to +have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We +may write 8 or 10 sentences at home before we come, +but we must not look at what we have written in +class. I've written mine already. But I've not said +anything about Robert. He's not worth thinking +about anyhow. I did not even tell Hella everything. + +September 25th. We had the viva voce composition +and Frau Doktor said, very good, what is your name? +Grete Lainer I said and she said: And is that your +chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent +her holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau +Doktor said again, very good. Then the bell rang. +In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge with +us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the +little intervals we were quite alone for the staff has +such a lot to do drawing up the time-table. A pupil- +teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She +sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as +Frau Doktor. + +September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel +for the first time in natural history. He wears eye- +glasses and never looks any of us in the face. And +in French Madame A. said that my accent was the +best. We've got an awful lot on and I don't know +whether I shall be able to write every day. The +younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel +and the Weinmann girl said Nikel. + +September 30th. I've had simply no time to write. +Hella hasn't written anything since the 24th. But +I must write to-day for I met Robert in Schottengasse. +Good morning, Miss, you needn't be so stuck +up, he said as he went by. And when I turned round +he had already passed, or I would have given him a +piece of my mind. I must go to supper + +October 1st. I can't write, Oswald has come from +S., he has sprained his ankle, but I'm not so sure +because he can get about. He is awfully pale and +doesn't say a word about the pain. + +October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor's +birthday. Yesterday Resi told me something horrid. +Oswald can't go back to S. He has been up to something, +I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the +closet. He always stays there such a long time, I +noticed that when I was in the country. Or perhaps +it may have been something in his society. Inspee +pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn't +true, for she doesn't know any more than I do. +Father is furious and Mother's eyes are all red with +crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could +only find out what he's done. Father was shouting +at him yesterday and both Dora and I heard what he +said: You young scamp (then there was something +we couldn't understand) and then he said, you attend +to your school books and leave the girls and the +married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. And Dora +said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell +me, he is my brother as well as yours. But she said: +"You wouldn't understand. It's not suitable for such +young ears." Fancy that, it's suitable for her ears, +but not mine though she's not quite three years older +than I am, but because she no longer wears a short +skirt she gives herself the airs of a grown-up _lady_. +Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of +jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can't +speak. Whenever I see her do this, I make a point +of speaking to her so that she has to answer. She +does get in such a wax. + +October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That's +how babies come. And _that_ is what Robert really +meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply won't marry. +For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully +and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know +it in time. But I wish I knew exactly how, Hella +says she doesn't know exactly herself. But perhaps +her cousin who knows everything about it will tell +her. It lasts nine months till the baby comes and +then a lot of women die. It's horrible. Hella has +known it for a long time but she didn't like to tell me. +A girl told her last summer in the country. She +wanted to talk about it to Lizzi her sister, really she +only wanted to ask if it was all true and Lizzi ran +off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said +And her mother said; "These children are awful, +a corrupt generation, don't you dare to repeat it to +any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance," and +she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help +it! That is why she didn't write to me for such a +long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now she can +tell me all about it and we won't betray one another. +And that deceitful cat Inspee has known all about +it for ages and has never told me. But I don't understand +why that time at the swing Robert said: You +little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. +Perhaps Hella knows. When I go to the gymnastic +lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first and ask her +about it. My goodness how curious I am to know. + +October 10th. I'm in a great funk, I missed my +gymnastic lesson yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella's +and without meaning it I was so late I did not dare +to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her +that we would say that our sum was so difficult that +we had not got it finished in time. Luckily we really +had a sum to do. But I said nothing about it at +home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr +S's. I thought that I knew all about it but only now +has Hella really told me everything. It's a horrible +business this . . . I really can't write it. She +says that of course Inspee has it already, had it +when I wrote that Inspee wouldn't bathe, did not +want to bathe; really she had it. Whatever happens +one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of +blood_ says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . +That's why in the country Inspee always switched +off the light before she was quite undressed, so that +I couldn't see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins +at 14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says +that Berta Franke in our class knows all about it. +In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do you +know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, +of course I've known it for a long time. Berta waited +for her after class when the Catholics were having +their religion lesson and they went home together. +I remember quite well that I was very angry, for +they're not chums. On Tuesday Berta came with +us, for Hella had sent her a note in class saying that +I knew _everything_ and she needn't bother about me. +Inspee suspects something, she's always spying about +and sneering, perhaps she thinks that she's the only +person who ought to know anything. + +October 16th. To-morrow is Father's and Dora's +birthday. Every year it annoys me that Dora should +have her birthday on the same day as Father; What +annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about +it, for, as Father always says, it's a mere chance. +Besides, I don't think he really likes it. Everyone +wants to have their own birthday on their own day, +not to share it with someone else. And it's always +nasty to be stuck up about a thing like that. Besides, +it's not going to be a real birthday because of the +row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had +to stay away from the office for 2 days because he +had to go to G. to see about Oswald going there. + +October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I +had expected. All the Bruckners came, so of course +there was not much said about Oswald only that he +has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that +that's not true) and that he is probably going to G. +Colonel B. said: The best thing for a boy is to send +him to a military academy, that keeps him in order. +In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot +what Hella's father said, for you can be expelled +from a military academy just as easily as from the +Gymnasium. That's what happened to Edgar Groller. +Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: +Ah, so you have been expelled, and we believed you +had sprained your ankle. Then he got in an awful +wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I've gone +and blabbed it all now, and he went away slamming +the door, for Mother wasn't there + +October 19th. If we could only find out what +Oswald really did. It must have been something +with a girl. But we can't think what Father meant +about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman +complained of him to the head master or to the school +committee and that's how it all came out. I feel +awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have +felt myself if everything had come out about Robert +and me. Of course I don't care now. But in the +summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly +says a word, except that he has talks with Mother +sometimes. He always pretends that he wants to +read, but it's absurd, for with such a love trouble +one can't really read. I have not told Berta Franke +all about it, but only that my brother has had an +unhappy love affair and that is why he is back in +Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin +of hers shot himself because of her. They said in the +newspapers that it was because of an actress, but +really it was because of her. She is 14 already. + +October 20th. We spend most of our time now +with Berta Franke. She says she has had a tremendous +lot of experience, but she can't tell us yet because +we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. +Perhaps she is afraid we shall give her away. She +wants to marry when she is 16 at latest. That's in +2 years. Of course she won't have finished school +by then, but she will have left the third class. She +has three admirers, but she has not yet made up her +mind which to choose. Hella says I mustn't believe +all this, that the story about the three admirers at +once is certainly a cram. + +October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one +is dark under the eyes one has it and that when one +gets a baby then one doesn't have it any more until +one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, +but I didn't really believe what she said, for I thought +she did not know herself exactly. Then she got very +cross and said: "All right, I won't tell you any more. +If I don't know myself." But I can't believe what +she said about husband and wife. She said it must +happen every night, for if not they don't have a +baby; if they miss a single night they don't have a +baby. That's why they have their beds so close +together. People call them _marriage beds!!!_ And +it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly bear it. +But one has to for a husband can make his wife do +it. I should like to know how he can make her. +But I didn't dare to ask for I was afraid she would +think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, +but very seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, +she is an awfully nice girl, perhaps Mother will let +me invite her here next Sunday. + +October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. +Mother cried such a lot. When Oswald was leaving +I whispered to him: I know what's the matter with +you. But he did not understand me for he said: +Silly duffer. Perhaps he only said that because of +Father who was looking on with a fearful scowl. + +October 27th. Everything seems to have gone +wrong. Yesterday I got unsatisfactory in history, and +in arithmetic to-day I couldn't get a single sum right. +I'm frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic +lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the +money to-morrow, for if she goes herself she will +certainly find out about it. + +October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present +at our French lesson and said awfully nice things +about me. She said I was good enough in French +to be in the Third and then she asked me whether +I was as good in the other subjects. I didn't want +to say either Yes or No, and all the other girls said +Yes, she's good at everything. The head patted me +on the shoulder and said: I'm glad to hear that. +When she had gone I cried like anything and Madame +Arnau asked: Why, what's the matter? and the other +girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but +she can really do her sums awfully well. Then +Madame said: "You'll soon wipe off that Unsatisfactory." + +October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother +with Fraulein Vischer in the history lesson. Yesterday +when I got into the tram with Mother there was +Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother +shouldn't see her and so that she should not tell +Mother about me. When she came in to-day she said: +Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what +she meant and said "I did bow to you in the tram +but you didn't see me." "That's a fine thing to do, +first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by +telling a lie. Sit down!" I felt awful for all the +girls looked at me. In the 11 interval Berta Franke +said to me: Don't worry, she's got her knife into you +and will always find something to complain of. She +must have spoken to Frau Doktor M., for in the German +lesson the subject for viva voce composition was +Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me again. +She didn't say anything more. She's a perfect angel, +my darling E. M., her name is Elisabeth; but she +does not keep her name-day because she's a Protestant; +that's an awful shame because November 19th is coming +soon. + +October 31st. I've been so lucky. Nothing's come +out about the gymnastic lesson though Mother was +there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day I +got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and +she said: Why, L. what was the matter with you +in your sums the other day, for you're so good at +arithmetic? I didn't know what to do so I said: +Oh I had such a headache the other day. Then Berta +Franke nearly burst out laughing, it was horrid of +her; I don't think she's quite to be trusted; I think +she's rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she +said she had laughed because "headache" means +something quite different. + +November 1st. To-day we began to work at the +tablecloth for Father's Christmas present. Of course +Inspee bagged the right side because that's easier to +work at and I had to take the left side and then one +has the whole caboodle on one's hand. For Mother +I'm making an embroidered leather book cover, +embroidered with silk and with a painted design; I +can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H.'s +lesson, she's awfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor +M. best of all. I'm _not_ going to invite Berta Franke +because of the way she laughed yesterday, and besides +Mother doesn't like having strange girls to the house. +November 2nd. I don't know all about things yet. +Hella knows a lot more. We said we were going +to go over our natural history lesson together and we +went in to the drawing-room, and there she told me a +lot more. Then Mali, our new servant, came in, +and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a hospital +because she's ill. Mali told us that all the Jews +when they are quite little have to go through a very +dangerous operation; it hurts frightfully and that's +why they are so cruel. It's done so that they can have +more children; but only little boys, not little girls. +It's horrid, and I should not like to marry a Jew. +Then we asked Mali whether it is true that it hurts +so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can't be +so bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn't find +everyone doing it. Then Hella asked her: But have +you done it already, you haven't got a husband? She +said: Go on, Miss! One mustn't ask such questions +it's not ladylike. We were in an awful funk, and +begged her not to tell Mother. She promised not to. + +November 5th. Everything has come out through +that stupid waist band. Yesterday when I was tidying +my drawers Mali came in to make the beds and +saw my fringed waistband. "I say, she said, that is +pretty!" You can have it if you like, I said, for +I've given up wearing it. At dinner yesterday I +noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I +blushed all over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, +did you give Mali that waistband? Yes, I said, she +asked me for it. She came in at that moment to clear +away and said: "No, I never asked for it, Fraulein +Grete gave it to me herself." I don't know what +happened after that, I'd gone back to my room when +Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction +one gets out of one's children. Mali has told me the +sort of things you and Hella talk about. I ran +straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali: How +could you tell such tales of us? It was you who +chipped in when we were talking. It was frightfully +mean of you. In the evening _she_ must needs go and +complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything +and said: You're a fine lot, you children, I +must say. You are not to see so much of Hella now, +do you understand? + +November 6th. A fine thing this, that I'm a silly +fool now. When I gave Hella a nudge so that she +should not go on talking before Mali, she laughed +and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about +it, probably a great deal more than we do. It was +only after that that Mali told us about the Jews. +Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now +that I know what I am, a silly fool. And that's what +one's best friend calls one! + +November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. +We walk together, but we only talk of everyday +things, school and lessons, nothing else. We went +skating to-day for the first time and we shall go +whenever we have time, which is not very often. +Mother is working at the table cloth. It's very hard +work but she has not got as much to do as we have. + +November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady +skating to-day, and she skates so beautifully, inside +and outside edge and figures of 8. I skated along +behind her. When she went to the cloak room there +was such a lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to +be married soon and whether _she_ knows all about +everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back the +hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as +pretty as she is. But I am dark and she is fair. I +wish I could find out her name and where she lives. +I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons +in the evening. + +November 9th. I'm so upset; _she_ didn't come to +skate. I'm afraid she may be ill. + +November 10th. She didn't come to-day either. I +waited two hours, but it was no good. + +November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh +how pretty she is. + +November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was +standing near the entrance gate and suddenly I heard +some one laughing behind me and I knew directly: +That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: +Shall we skate together? Please, if I may, said I, +and we went off together crossing arms. My heart +was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, +but couldn't think of anything sensible to say. When +we came back to the entrance a gentleman stood there +and took off his hat and she bowed, and she said to +me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow? +Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only +perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were to-morrow already. + +November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is +Anastasia Klastoschek. I'm sure it can't be true that +she has such a name, she might be called Eugenie or +Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why +are there such horrid names? Fancy if she is really +called that. Klastoschek, too, a Czech name, and she +is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26 already; +26, absurd, she's 18 at most. I'm sure she's +not so much as 18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, +and that she doesn't think her particularly pretty. Of +course that's rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one pretty +except herself. + +November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, +her name really is Anastasia Klastoschek and she +lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman didn't know +how old she is. She would not tell me at first but +asked why I wanted to know and who had sent me +to enquire. She wouldn't look into the book until +I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted +to know. Then she looked, for I knew the number +of the cloak room locker: 36, a lovely number, I like +it so much. I don't really know why, but when I +hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a +squirrel jumping about in the wood. + +November 20th. It's really impossible to write +every day. Mother is ill in bed and the doctor comes +every day, but I don't really know what's the matter +with her. I'm not sure whether the doctor knows +exactly. When Mother is ill everything at home is +so uncomfortable and she always says: Whatever +you do don't get ill, for it's such a nuisance. But +I don't mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, +for then everyone's so nice, when Father comes home +he comes and sits by my bed and even _Dora_ is rather +nice and does things for me; that is she _has_ to. +Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did +everything I could for her, she nearly died, her +temperature went up to 107 and Mother was sick with +crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when +a man cries. When there was all that row about +Oswald he cried, I think Father had given him a +box on the ear. He said he hadn't but I think he +had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn't. +After all, why shouldn't he for he's not really grown +up yet. I cry myself when I get frightfully annoyed. +Still I shouldn't cry for a box on the ear. + +November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel +Schrotter who is the Herr Catechist's favourite, no +we've got to call him Herr Professor, as she is the +Herr Professor's favourite, well she went to him with +the Bible and asked him what _with child_ meant. +That's what they say of Mary in the Bible. The +Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the +other girls egged her on till she went and asked. The +Herr Professor got quite red and said: If you don't +know yet it does not matter. We shall come to that +later, we're still in the Old Testament. I was so +glad that Hella does not sit next me in the religion +lesson, because she's a Protestant; we should certainly +have both burst out laughing. Some of the girls +giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to +Lisel: You're a good girl, don't bother about the +others. But Lisel positively howled. I would not +have asked, even if I hadn't really known. _With +child_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn't mean anything +really; only if one knows. + +November 22nd. When I was coming away from +the religion lesson with Berta Franke the other day, +of course we began talking about _it_. She says that's +why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could +not believe that people marry only for _that_. Lots +of people marry and then have no children. That's +all right said Berta, but it's quite true what I tell +you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can't +write it all down. It is too horrid, but I shan't forget. +When I was sitting on Mother's bed to-day I suddenly +realised that Father's bed is really quite close to +Mother's. I had never thought about it before. But +it's not really necessary now for we are all quite big. +Still I suppose they've just left things as they were. +Well dear, said Mother, what are you looking round +so for? Of course I didn't let on, but said: I was +only looking round and thinking that if your bed was +where the washstand is you could see to read better +when you are lying in bed. That would not do because +the wall's all wrong said Mother. I said nothing +more and she didn't either. I like much better +to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, because I like to +snuggle up against the back. I'm so glad Mother +didn't notice anything. One has to be so frightfully +careful not to give oneself away when one knows +everything. + +November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely +story; it is called _A True Heart_ and is about a girl +whose betrothed has had to leave her because he has +shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains +true to him till he comes back after 10 years +and then they marry. It's simply splendid and +frightfully sad at first. I do love these library books, +but when we were at the elementary school I knew +all the books they had and the mistress never knew +what to give me and Hella. In the high school we +get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor +says we have plenty of work to do, and that when +we are not at work we ought to be out in the fresh +air. I can't manage to go skating every day. I do +love the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for +I hate her real name. Inspee declares that they call +her Stasi for short, but I don't believe that; most +likely they call her Anna, but that's so common. +Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at +school I'm known as Rita. It's only at home that +they will call me Gretl. The other day I said to +Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must +call me Rita; and anyhow I won't let you call me +Gretl, that's what they call a little girl or a peasant +girl. She said: I don't care tuppence what _you_ call +me. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end +of time. + +November 27th. Father has been made Appeal +Court Judge. He is awfully glad and so is Mother. +The news came yesterday evening. Now he can +become President of the Supreme Court, not directly, +but in a few years. We shall probably move to a +larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother that +she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she +would not be _disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs +her, I suppose I do? Much more like she disturbs +me, always watching while I'm writing my diary. +Hella always says: "There really ought not to be +any elder sisters; she's jolly well right. It's a pity +we can't alter things. Mother says we are really too +big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don't see why one +should ever be too big for that. Last year Inspee +got something from St. Nicholas when she was 13 +and I'm not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and +sweets and dates and that sort of thing, not proper +presents. The girls want to give the Frau Doktor +a great Krampus[1] to leave it on her desk. I think +that's silly. It's not a proper present for a teacher +one is really fond of, one doesn't want to waste sweets +on a teacher one doesn't like, and to give an empty +Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and +a Krampus is only suitable for children. + + +[1] Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves +St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children +An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present +on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas +season.--Translators' Note. + + +December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff +a Krampus, each of us is to subscribe a crown, I hope +Father will give me the crown extra. Perhaps he'll +give us more pocket money now, at least another +crown, that would be splendid. We are going to give +big Krampuses to the ones we like best, and: small +ones to those we are not so fond of. We're afraid to +give one to Professor J. But if he doesn't get one +perhaps he'll be offended. + +December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses +for the staff. The one for Frau Doktor M. is the +finest. When you open it the first thing you see is +little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales +written on the backs, and then underneath these +are the sweets. That's exactly suited for her, for the +Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in +German they are reading these poets. Last month in +the Fourth they had a Schiller festival and Frau Doktor +made a splendid speech and some of the girls +gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an +awful poem by Schiller. There you can read: if +only I could catch her in the bath, she would cry for +mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a +man. And then in another place: "To my mate +in God's likeness I can show _that_ which is the source +of life." But you can only find that in the _large_ +editions of Schiller. I believe we've got some books +of that sort in our bookcase, for when Inspee was +rummaging there the other day Mother called from +the next room: "Dora, what are you hunting for +in the bookcase? I can tell you where it is." And +she said: Oh, it's nothing, I was just looking for +something, and shut the door quickly. + +December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have +made such a muddle about the Krampuses for the +staff. The money didn't come out right and Keller +said that Markus had taken some but Markus said +not taken only kept. Of course Markus complained +to Frau Doktor and her father went to the head +and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite +well that collections are not allowed and that we +must not give any one a Krampus. Now Keller has +the five Krampuses and we don't know what to do +about it. Mother says that sort of thing never turns +out well but always ends in a quarrel. + +December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella +and I and Edith Bergler have taken the Krampus +which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on +her doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for +she comes by there every day on her way to school. +I wonder if she'll guess where the Krampus comes +from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such +a nice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful +because she wears spectacles. But now I'm quite +certain she is not deceitful, so one sees how easy it +is to make a mistake. To-morrow's our German +lesson. + +December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything +at first. Then she gave out the subject for the essay: +"Why once I could not go to sleep at night." The +girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said: +Now girls that's not so very difficult. One person +cannot go to sleep because he's just going to be ill, +another because he is excited by joy or fear. Another +has an uneasy conscience because he has done something +which he has been forbidden to do; have not +all of you experienced something of the kind? Then +she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler and us +two. She did not say anything more, so we don't +really know if she suspects. I couldn't go to the ice +carnival yesterday because I had such a bad cough, +and Dora couldn't go either because she had a headache; +I don't know whether it was a real headache +or _that kind_ of headache; but I expect it was that kind. + +December 17th. I haven't managed to write anything +for a whole week. The day before yesterday +we had our Christmas reports: In history I had +satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything +else very good. In diligence because of that stupid +Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very angry; he +says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That's true +enough, but if one has satisfactory in anything then +one can't get a 1 for diligence. Inspee of course had +only 1's, except a 2 in English. But then she's a +frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, +but we can't any of us bear her, she's so frantically +conceited and Berta Franke says she's _not to be +trusted_. Berta walks to school with her cousin who's +in the seventh; she's nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. +She didn't say what sort of a report she had, but I +believe it was a very bad one. + +December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because +she found a little chicken in her egg, not really +a chicken yet, but one could make out the wings and +the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. +Still, I really can't see what there was to faint about. +Afterwards she said it had made her feel quite creepy. +And she'll never be able to eat another egg. At first +Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but +then he laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! +She had to go and lie down at once and I stayed +downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our +room she was reading, that is I saw the light through +the crack in the door; but when I opened the door it +was all dark and when I asked: Ah so you're still +reading she didn't answer and she pretended to wake +up when I switched on the light and said: What's the +matter? I can't stand such humbug so I said: Shut +up, you know quite well it's 9 o-clock. That's all. +On our way to school to-day we didn't Speak a word +to one another. Luckily after awhile we met a girl +belonging to her class. + +December 19th. I'm frightfully excited to know +what I'm going to get for Christmas. What I've +wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, and +velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates +because mine are always working loose, _German_ sagas, +not Greek; no thank you, hair ribbons, openwork +stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one Hella +got for a birthday present. But Father says that +our Christ Child would find that rather too expensive. +Inspee wants a corset. But I don't think she'll get +one because it's unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father +is finished and is being trimmed, but Mother's book +cover is not quite ready yet. I'm giving Dora a +little manicure case. Oh, and I'd nearly forgotten +what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in +which to keep my diary. Dora wants some openwork +stockings too and three books. A frightful thing +happened to me the other day. I left one of the +pages of my diary lying about or lost one somehow +or other. When I came home Inspee said: "you've +lost _this_, haven't you? School notes I suppose?" +I didn't notice what it was for a moment, but then +I saw by the look of it and said: Yes, those are school +notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not exactly that are +they? You can thank your stars that I've not shown +them to Mother. Besides people who can't spell yet +really ought not to keep diaries. It's not suitable for +children. I was in a wax. In the closet I took a +squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was +only _wenn_ with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ +with short _ss's_, that's all. I was jolly glad that there +was nothing about _her_ on the page. She'd under- +lined the _n_ and the short _ss's_ with red, just as if she +was a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would +be to have a book with a lock to it, which one could +alway keep locked, then no one could read any of it +and underline one's mistakes in red. I often write +so fast that it's easy to make a slip now and again. +As if she never made a mistake. The whole thing +made me furious. But I can't say anything about it +because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but +no, if I say nothing at all then she always gets more +waxy than ever. If I were to say much about it +Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in the +country and I'd rather not thank you. + +December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She's +going to stay with us for a time till Mother is quite +well again. I didn't remember her at all, for I was +only four or five when she went away from Vienna. +You dear little black beetle she said to me and gave +me a kiss. I didn't like the _black_ much, but Hella +says that suits me, that it's _piquant_. _Piquant_ is +what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, +Father says she is a beauty, and she's dark like me. +But I'd rather be fair, fair with brown eyes or better +still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a beauty? Oh +I do hope I shall! + +December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to- +morrow. I wonder what I shall get? Now I must go +and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said: Hullo, +is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She's never +done it before! I should like to know why not. But +Aunt Dora took my side. "Of course she'll help +decorate too; but please don't stuff yourselves with +sweets." "If Dora doesn't eat anything I shan't +either," said I promptly. + +Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. +The holidays are from the 23rd to January 2nd. It's +glorious. I shall be able to go skating every day. +Of course I had no time to-day and shan't have to-- +morrow. I wonder whether I should send the Gold +Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had a prettier +name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All +Czech names are so ugly. Father knows a Count +Wilczek, but a still worse name is Schafgotsch. +Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called +Schafgotsch or Wilczek even if he were a count and +a millionaire. Yesterday we paid our respects to the +staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor because +she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody +wanted to go to Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say +Nikel, for when he has respects paid to him he always +says: "Aw ri'." But it would have been rude +to leave him out and so the monitors had to go. When +Christmas was drawing near Frau Doktor told us +that we were none of us to give presents to the staff. +"I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, +for if you do not there will only be trouble. You +remember what happened on St. Nicholas' day. And +you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, +nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one's +doorstep." As she said this she looked hard at me +and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left the Krampus. +I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Hurrah, +to-morrow is Christmas Eve!!! + +December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. +One does not know what to be at. I'm not allowed +to go skating so the best thing is to write. Oswald +came home yesterday. Everyone says he's looking +splendid; I think he's awfully pale and he snorted +when everyone said he had such a fine colour; of +course, how can he look well when he has such a +_heartache_. I wish I could tell him that I understand +what he feels, but he's too proud to accept sympathy +from me. He has wished for an army revolver for +Christmas, but I don't think he'll get one for boys at +the middle school are not allowed to have any firearms. +Not long ago at a Gymnasium in Galicia one +of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said +it was because the boy was getting on badly with his +work, but really it was about a girl, although the +master was 36 years old. This morg. I was in town +with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli +and . . . Robert. Oswald said that Elli was quite +nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly beast. Besides, +he can't stand him he said, because he glared +at me so. If only he knew what happened in the +summer! I was awfully condescending to Robert and +that made him furious. If one could only save you +girls from all the troubles which the world calls +"Love," said Oswald on the way home. I was just +going to say "I know that you're unhappy in love +and I can feel for you," when Inspee came round +the corner of the Bognergasse with her chum and 2 +officers were following them, so none of them saw us. +"Great Scott, Frieda's full-fledged now," said Oswald, +"she's a little tart." I can't stand that sort of vulgarity +so I did not say another word all the way home. He +noticed and said to Mother: "Gretl's mouth has been +frozen up from envy." That's all. But it was really +disgusting of him and now I know what line to take. + +Just a moment for a word or two. The whole +Christmas Eve has gone to pot. A commissionaire +came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. +I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one +of those 2 officers? Of course Inspee says she has +not the ghost of an idea. What surprises me is that +Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: +I say, what a lark! But Father was down on him +like anything, "You hold your jaw and think of your +own beastly conduct." I didn't envy him; I don't +think much of Dora's looks myself, but apparently she +pleases _someone_. In the bouquet there was a poem +and Dora got hold of it quickly before Father had +seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: +One for whom you have made Christmas beautiful! +The heading is: "The Magic Season." I think +Dora's splendid not to give herself away; even to me +she declares she does not know who sent it; but of +course that may be all humbug. I think it really comes +from young Perathoner, with whom she's always +skating. + +December 28th. I've had absolutely no time to +write. I got everything I wanted. Aunt Dora gave +both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in a plush +case. We are going to all the school performances, +Father's arranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the +performances during the school year 19-- to 19--. +I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will come too. +I do hope I shall sit next to her. + +December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through +all I have written, but I could not manage it but in +the new year I really must write every day. + +January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences +at least. For the afternoon we had been invited to +the Rydberg's the Warths were there and Edle von +Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel +but I would not say a word to R. They left before +us, and then Heddy asked me what was wrong between +me and R. He had said of me: Any one can +have the _black goose for me_. Then he said that any +one could take me in. I was so stupid that I would +believe anything. I can't think what he meant, for +he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would +not let _him_ spoil new year's day for me. But Hella +is quite right for if the first person one meets on +January 1st is a common person that's a bad beginning. +The first thing this morning when I went out I met +our old postman who's always so grumpy if he's kept +waiting at the door. I looked the other way directly +and across the street a fine young gentleman was passing, +but it was no good for the common postman had +really been the first. + +January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn't go skating +any more because Inspee has begun to complain +again of her silly old ears and Mother imagines that +she got her earache last year skating. It's all right +to keep _her_ at home; but why shouldn't _I_ go? How +can _I_ help it when _she_ gets a chill so easily? In most +things Father is justice itself, but I really can't understand +him this time. It's simply absurd, only it's too +miserable to call it absurd. I'm in a perfect fury. +Still, I don't say anything. + +February 12th. I have not written for a whole +month, I've been working so hard. To-day we got +our reports. Although I've been working so frightfully +hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau +Doktor M. made a splendid speech and said: As +you sow, so you shall reap. But that's not always true. +In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but +I got a 1, and in History I only did not know my +lesson once and I got Satisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein +V. does not like me because of that time when I +did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, +when Mother asked about me, she said: "She +does not really put her back into her work." I overheard +Father say: After all she's only a kid, but to- +day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. +He might have known why she gave me that. Dora, +_so she says_, has only ones, but she has not shown me +the report. I don't believe what I don't see. And +Mother never gives her away to me. + +February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald +has an Unsatisfactory in Greek. Greek is really no +use; for no one uses Greek, except the people who +live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he +is going to be a judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora +learns Latin; but not for me thank you. Hella's report +is not particularly good and her father was in a +_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better +report than any one else. She does not bother much +and says: One can't have everything. But if she +doesn't get nothing but ones in the summer term she +is not to stay at the high school and will have to go +to the middle school. That'll make her sit up. +Father's awfully funny too: What have you got history +books for, if you don't read them? Yesterday +when I was reading my album of stories, Father came +in and said: You like a story book better than a +history book, and shut the book up and took it away +from me. I was in such a temper that I went to bed +at 7 o'clock without any supper. + +February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She +spoke to me and asked why I did not come skating +any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the 24th +was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe +it, a year ago my _sister_ had an earache, and _for that +reason_ they won't allow _either_ of us to skate this year. +She laughed like anything and said so exquisitely: +Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly +ravishing: A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with +fur, sable I believe, and a huge brown beaver hat with +crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and +mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always +going about with her. Next autumn, when we +get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur trimmed +red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. +Hella and Lizzi are never dressed alike. + +March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta +Franker she's utterly false. I've such a frightful +headache because I cried all through the lesson. She +wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A +_Verhaltnis_[2] means something quite different. Just +at that moment the mistress looked across and said: +To whom were you nodding? She said: To Lainer. +Because she laughed at the word "Verhaltnis." It was +not true. I had not thought about the word at all. +It wasn't till I had read the note that it occurred to +Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After the lesson +Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers' room +and told Frau Doktor M. that Franke and I had +laughed at the use of the word "Verhaltnis." Frau +Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did +you not just do your sums? Fraulein St. said: You +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, young girls in the +first class shouldn't know anything about such things. +I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German +lesson Frau Doktor M. told us to write an essay on +the proverb: Pure the heart and true the word, clear +the brow and free the eye, these are our safeguards, +or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it +for me, for I was crying all through the lesson. + + +[2] The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson +means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in +Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.--Translators' Note. + + +March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk +things out with us; but Hella and I told her we would +not speak to her again. We told her to remember +_what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it +all already. We shouldn't be such humbugs. It was +mean of her. Really we didn't know anything and +_she_ told us all about it. Hella has told me again and +again she wished we didn't know anything. She says +she's always afraid of giving herself away and that +she often thinks about that sort of thing when she +ought to be learning her lessons. So do I. And one +often dreams about such things at night when one +has been talking about them in the afternoon. Still, +it's better to know all about it. + +March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, +first of all our lessons take such a lot of time, +and second because I don't care about it any more +since what Father said the other day. The last time +I wrote was on Saturday afternoon, and Father came +in and said: Come along children, we'll go to Schonbrunn. +That will do you more good than scribbling +diaries which you only go and lose when you've written +them. So Mother told Father all about it in the +holidays. I couldn't have believed it of Mother for +I begged her to promise not to tell anyone. And she +said: One doesn't promise about a thing like that; +but I won't tell anyone. And now she must have told +about it, although she said she wouldn't. Even +Franke's deceitfulness was nothing to that for after +all we've only known her since last autumn, but I +could never have believed that Mother would do such +a thing. I told Hella when we were having tea at +the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust +her mother, she'd rather trust her father. But if that +had happened to _her_, her father would have boxed +her ears with the diary. I did not want to show anything, +but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a +little kiss. And she said, what's the matter, dear? has +anything happened? Then I could not keep it in +and I cried like anything and said: You've betrayed +me. And Mother said: "I?" Yes, you; you told +Father about the diary though you promised me you +wouldn't. At first Mother didn't remember anything +about it, but soon she remembered and said: "But, +little one, I tell Father everything. All you meant was +that Dora was not to know." That's quite true, it's +all right that Dora wasn't told; but still Father need +not have been told either. And Mother was awfully +sweet and nice and I didn't go to bed till 10 o'clock. +But whatever happens I shan't tell her anything again +and I don't care about the old diary any more. Hella +says: Don't be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; +but another time I should be careful not to lose +anything, and besides I should not blab everything to +Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her +mother anything since that time in the summer when +her mother gave her a box on the ear because that +other girl had told her all about everything. It's quite +true, Hella is right, I'm just a child still in the way +I run to Mother and tell her everything. And it's not +nice of Father to tease me about my diary; I suppose +he never kept one himself. + +March 27th. Hurrah we're going to Hainfeld for +Easter; I am so delighted. Mother has a friend there +whose husband is doctor there, so she has to live there +all the year round. Last year in the winter she and +Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were +bad. Ada is really nearly as old as Dora, but Dora +said, like her cheek: "Her intellectual level makes +her much more suitable company for you than for me." +Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They +have 2 boys, but I don't know them very well for they +are only 8 and 9. Mother's friend was in an asylum +once, for she went off her head when her 2 year old +baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have +been more than 2 years ago when Father and Mother +were always talking of poor Anna who had lost her +child within 3 days. And I believed she had really +lost it, and once I asked whether they had found it +yet. I thought it had been lost in the forest, because +there's such a great forest at Hainfeld. And since +then I can't bear to hear people say lost when they +mean dead, for it is so difficult to know which they +really mean. + +On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin +and we shall go on the 11th, on Maundy Thursday. + +April 6th. I don't know what to do about writing +my diary. I don't want to take it with me and as +for remembering everything and writing it down afterwards +I know quite well I should never do that. Hella +says I should only jot it down in outline, that's what +Frau Doktor M. always says, and write it out properly +after I come back from Hainfeld. That's what she +does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I've +never seen the sea. Hella says there's nothing so +wonderful about it. She's been there four times. +Anyway she does not think so much of it as most +people do. So it can't be anything so frightfully +grand. Rather stupid I dare say. + +April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a +darling but the two boys are awfully vulgar. Ernstl +said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the a---- +if you don't give me my pistol directly. Ada is as +tall as her mother. Their speech is rather countrified +Even the doctor's. He drinks a frightful lot of beer; +quarts I believe. + +April 14th. Father came to-day. He's awfully +fond of the doctor. They kissed one another. It did +make me laugh. In the morning we were in the forest; +but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but +a tremendous lot of hellebores quite red. + +April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. +We did not go into the church for Mother was afraid +that the smell of incense and boots would make Dora +feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon +we are going to Ramsau, it's lovely there. + +April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go +home to-morrow. At Whitsuntide Ada's mother is +going to bring her to be confirmed. They are all +coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the +bank of the Ramsau. It was awful. But the doctor +pulled me out and then we did all laugh so when we +saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily +I was able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should +have sunk right in. + +April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni +Islands. She is frightfully sunburned. I don't like +that, so I shall _never_ go to the _south_. Hella says that +if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one's honeymoon +in the south. That would not suit me, I should +just put off my marriage till the summer. + +Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish +priest makes a tremendous fuss because she's not +confirmed yet. Her mother is going to bring her to be +confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed +because Father and Mother don't want to be bothered +with it. Still I should like to be confirmed, for then +one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask for something +else at Christmas. + +April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful +just now. The school inspector is coming soon. It's +always very disagreeable. Mme A. says: The in- +spection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it's +horrid for the pupils too first of all because we get +blamed at the time and secondly because the staff +makes such a frightful row about it afterwards. Dora +says that a bad inspection can make one's report 2 +degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that +I have not yet written why Oswald did not come home +at Easter. _Although his reports were not at all good_, +he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma's at Pola, because +this year Richard comes home for the holidays for +the last time. After that he's going away for three +years in the steamship "Ozean" to the East or Turkey +or Persia, I don't quite know where. If Oswald likes +he can go into the Navy too in two years. + +May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first +of all in natural history, thank goodness I wasn't +in for it that time, and then in German; I was in +that, reading and in the table of contents of the +Wandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through +all right. + +May 14th. It's Mother's birthday to-day. We've +had simply no time to work anything for her, so we +got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed table, the +switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made +of brass. She was so pleased with it. Yesterday +Frau v. R. was here. She's a friend of Mother's and +of Hella's mother. I should like to have music lessons +from Frau v. R., she gives lessons since her husband +who was a major died though she is quite well off. + +May 15th. That must have been true about the +inspection; in the interval to-day Professor Igel- +Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, he +will go on coming all through the week and then we +shall be all right for this year. _We_, of course that +means the staff. But really the staff can't help it if +the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it's +all the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when +the inspection is over. The staff is always quite +different when the inspector is there, some are better, +some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel +quite ill with anxiety. + +May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger +came from Hainfeld with Ada and the two boys for +the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came +too and in the evening they all went home again. +Ada is very pretty, but she looks countrified. I'm +not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to wait +3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was +a very fine day. Dora did not come; only Mother +and I and Ada and her mother. The women who +were selling white favours all thought that I was one +of the candidates because I wore a white dress too. +Ada was rather put out about it. On Saturday we +were in town in the morning and afternoon because +Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday +morning we went to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon +they went home. The watch they gave to Ada was a +lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for +a locket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that +on Sunday she had a frightful headache. Because +she is not used to town noises. + +May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but +not everything. I told her a few things. In H. last +winter a girl drowned herself because she was going +to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her +mother told her a little, but not everything. Ada +once saw a bitch having her pups, but she didn't tell +her mother about it; she thought that her mother might +be very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog +belonged to their next door neighbour and she hap- +pened to see it in the out-house. Ada is expecting +_it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every +grown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will +have one as soon as she is 14; she knows who it will be. + +June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about +the confirmation and she wrote to me as well. It is +strange that she did not make friends with Dora but +with me. I think that Dora won't talk about _those_ +things, at least only with her friends in the high +school, especially with Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada +made friends with me, though I am 2 years younger. +She is really an awfully nice girl. + +June 19th. One thing after another goes missing +in our class, first it was Fleischer's galoshes, then my +new gloves, three times money was missing, and today +Fraulein Steiner's new vanity bag. There was a +great enquiry. But nothing was found out. We all +think it is Schmolka. But no one will tell. To-day +we could none of us attend to our lessons especially +when Sch. left the room at half past 11. + +June 20th. In our closet the school servant found +some beads on the floor but since she did not know +anything she threw them into the dustbin. Was it +really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is +frightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the +vanity bag for a birthday present and his photo was +in it. But I'm really sorry for Sch. Nobody will +speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She is +frightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. +Hella thinks too that perhaps she didn't do it, for she +is one of Frl. St.'s favourites and she is very fond of +her herself. She always carries the copybooks home +for her. + +June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when +the porter came to see what was the matter he found +the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. now; she +can't possibly use it any more. We giggled all through +lessons whenever we caught one another's eye and the +staff was in a frightful rage. Only Frau Doktor M. +said: "Now please get through with your laughing +over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have +done with it." + +June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. +Verbenowitsch was collecting the German copybooks +and when Sch. wanted to hand up her copybook she +said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won't +have anything to do with (then there was a long +pause) you. We were all apalled and Sch. went as +white as a sheet. At 10 o'clock she begged permission +to leave the room because she felt bad. I'm sure her +mother will come to speak about it to-morrow. + +June 24th. Sch.'s mother did not come after all. +Verbenowitsch said: Of course not! Sch. did not +come either. Hella says she couldn't stand anything +like that, she would rather drown herself. I don't +know, one wants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. +Still, I should tell Father so that he could speak about +it at school. Franke said: Yes, that's all very well, +because _you_ didn't do it; but _if_ one had done it one +would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, +Sch.'s father is an invalid, he's quite paralysed, has +been bedridden for two years and can't speak. + +June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with +Frau Doktor M. Really she always goes home alone +but Hella suddenly left me and went up to Frau +Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau +Doktor for bothering you in the street, we _must_ speak +to you. She got quite red. Then Frau Doktor said: +"What's the matter?" And Hella said: "Isn't it +possible to find out who took the vanity bag? If +it wasn't Sch. the way the other girls treat her will +make her quite ill, and if it was we can't stand having +her among us any longer." Hella was really splendid +and Frau Doktor M. made us tell her everything that +had happened, including about Verbenowitsch and +the copybooks; and we saw quite clearly she had tears +in her eyes and she said: "The poor child! Children +I promise I will do what I can for her." We both +kissed her hand and my heart beat furiously. And +Hella said: "You are an angel." I could never have +managed to say a thing like that. + +June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau +Doktor M. did not say anything. Hella and I kept +on looking at her and Hella cleared her throat three +times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing +your throat; it will only make your sore throat +worse: But it seemed to me her eyes twinkled as she +said it. So she hasn't forgotten. I wanted to speak +to Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the +Frau Doktor a chance. She's taken the matter in +hand. To-morrow before 9 we'll walk up and down +in front of her house till she comes out. + +June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and +to-day Frau Doktor's first lesson began at 11. But +she has already had a talk with Sch. only we don't +know when and where; certainly it was not in +the interval and she did not send for Sch. during +lessons. + +July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her +She _is_ such a dear. Children, she said, this is such +a painful matter, and it is difficult to find a way out. +Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she +did it or not these days are burning themselves into +her soul and Hella asked: "Please, Frau Doktor +advise us what to do, speak to her or not?" Then +she said: Children I think that after this affair she +won't come back to us next year; you will be doing a +good work if you make these last days bearable to +her. You were never intimate with her, but to give +her a friendly word or two will do you no harm and +may help her. You 2 have a high standing in the +class; your example will do good. We walked with +her till we reached the school, and because we were +there we could not kiss her hand but Hella said out +loud: How sweet you are! She must have heard it. +But Sch. was not at school. Father says he's glad +that the term is nearly over, for I have been quite +crazy about this affair. Still, he thinks that Hella and +I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. But Dora +said: Yes that's all right but you must not go too far. + +July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow +we are to get our reports. + +July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and +Verbenowitsch because we shan't see Frau Doktor M. +any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2 in History +and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. +Franke says: Anyone who is not in Professor Igel- +Nigl's good books can find out that he's cranky and +stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quite +pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella +has three twos. Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father +has given each of us a 2 crown piece, we can blow it, +he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. + +July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, +its jolly, I'm awfully pleased; but not until the 20th +because Father can't get away till then and Mother +won't leave Father so long alone. It is only a few +days anyhow. It's a pity Hella's gone already, she +left early this morning for Parsch near Salzburg, +what a horrid name and Hella too doesn't like saying +it; I can't think how anyone can give a place such a +nasty name. They have rented a house. + +July 12th. It's shockingly dull. Nearly every day +I have a quarrel with Dora because she's so conceited +Oswald came home yesterday. He's fearfully smart +nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head +shorter, but then Father's tremendously tall. And his +voice is quite deep, it was not before. And he has +parted his hair on one side, it suits him very well. +He says his moustache is growing already but it isn't; +one could see it if it were; five hairs don't make a +moustache. + +July 19th. Thank goodness we're going at last the +day after to-morrow. Father wanted Mother to go +away with us earlier, but she would not. It would +have been nicer if she had. + +July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from +the Hs. Ada and I spend the whole day together. +There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora's here, +one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky +Oswald says that Hainfeld bores him to death and +that he shall get a friend to invite him somewhere. +Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays +here. His name for Ada is: "Country Simplicity." +If he only knew how much she knows. Rosa T. he +calls a "Pimple Complex" because she has two or +three pimples. Oswald has some fault to find with +every girl he comes across. He says of Dora: She +is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and has +cold hands, and he says of me: You can't say anything +about her yet: "_She_ is still nothing but an +unripe embryo." Thank goodness I know from the +natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little +frog; "I got in a frightful wax and Father said: +Don't you worry, he's still a long way from being a +man or he would be more polite to his sisters and +their lady friends." This annoyed him frightfully, +and since then he never says a word when Ada and +Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming soon, thank +goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and +I shall be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to- +day for the second time. In August she is going to +Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a great estate +and she will learn to ride there. + + + +SECOND YEAR + +AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN + + + +SECOND YEAR + + +August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. +We drove to Glashutte where it is lovely; there we +cooked our own dinner in the inn for the landlady +was ill and so was the cook. On one's birthday everyone +is always so nice to one. What I like most of all +is the Ebeseder paint-box, and the book too. But +I never have any time to read. Hella sent me a +lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund +with two puppies, simply sweet. When I go home +I shall hang it up near the door over the bookcase. +Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for +me herself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can't +use it because I prefer to write upon loose sheets. +Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a great +piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; +she didn't know marzipan before. + +August 9th. When it's not holidays Ada goes to +school in St. Polten staying there with her aunt and +uncle, because the school in H. is not so good as the +school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to +Vienna, for she has finished with the middle school +and has to go on learning. But she has no near +relations in Vienna where she could stay. She might +come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself +as she always wants, and Ada and I could share +a room. I would much rather share a room with her +than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. + +August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always +get what he wants. Oswald is really going for +a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum; only +Oswald of course. I should like to see what would +happen if Dora or I wanted to go anywhere. A boy +has a fine time. It's the injustice of the thing which +makes me furious. For we know for certain that he's +had a _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us +anything about it. But of course that doesn't matter. +They throw every 2 in our teeth and when he gets +several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. +His chum too; he only got to know Max Rozny this +year and he's a chum already. Hella and I have +been chums since we were in the second in the elementary +school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went +to the High School. We both gave him a piece of +our mind about friendship. He laughed scornfully +and said: That's all right, the friendships of _men_ +become closer as the years pass, but the friendships +of you girls go up in smoke as soon as the first admirer +turns up. What cheek. Whatever happens Hella and +I shall stick to one another till we're married, for we +want to be married on the same day. Naturally she +will probably get engaged before me but she _must_ +wait for me before she's married. That's simply her +duty as a friend. + +August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we +had another scene just before he left because he wanted +one of us to go with him to the station and help +carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada +wanted to volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her +a nudge and luckily she understood directly. Sometimes, +but only sometimes, when Dora gets in a wax +she is rather like Hella. She thinks it's better that +Oswald has gone away because otherwise there are +always rows. That's because she always comes off +second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. +And when he wants to make her really angry he says +something to her in Latin which she can't understand. +I think that's the real reason why she's learning Latin. +I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing +like that. I really wouldn't bother. + +August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, +a silver-wire watchchain; I made it in four days. +I hope she'll get it safely, one can never be sure in +Hungary. + +August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with +Japanese lanterns and fir garlands. The people who +have received birthday honours are illuminating and +decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada +told me a _few things_. She knows more than Hella +and me, because her father is a doctor. He tells her +mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of things +though they generally stop talking when she comes +in. Ada would like awfully to be an actress. I never +thought of such a thing though I've been to the +theatre often. + +August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the +chain; she is wearing it. She is really learning to +ride at her cousin's. It's a pity he's called Lajos. +But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully +nice and smart, but it's a pity he's 22 already. + +August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. +She has often been to the theatre in St. Polten and +she is in love with an actor with whom all the ladies +in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants +to be an actress and so that she can live _free and +unfettered_. That is why she would like so much to +come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live with +us. She says she is pining away in H. for it's +a dull hole. She says she can't stand these _cramping +conditions_. In St. Polten she spent all her pocket +money upon flowers for _him_. She always said that +she had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things +for school. That's where she's lucky not to be at +home, for I could not easily take in Mother like that. +It would not work. One always has too little pocket +money anyhow, and when one lives at home one's +parents know just what copybooks one has. I should +like to go away from home for a few months. Ada +says it is very good for one, for then one learns to +know the world; at home, she says, one only grows +_musty_ and _fusty_. When she talks like that she really +looks like an actress and she certainly has talent; +her German master at school says so too. She can +recite long poems and the girls are always asking the +master to let her recite. + +August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel's poem, +The Death of Tiberius, it was splendid; she is a +born actress and it's a horrid shame she can't go on +the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she +says she's going on the stage; I expect she will get +her way somehow. + +August 31st. Oswald's having a fine long fortnight; +he's still there and can stay till September 4th!! +If it had been Dora or me. There would have been +a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. +Ada says: We girls must take for ourselves what +the world won't give us of its own free will. + +September 5th. In the forest the other day I +promised Ada to ask Mother to let her come and stay +with us so that she could be trained for the stage. +I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out +of the question. Ada's parents simply could not afford +it. If she has talent, the thing comes of itself and she +need only go to a school of Dramatic Art so that she +could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So +I don't see why it should be so frightfully expensive. +I'm awfully sorry for Ada. + +September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. +I've got to pack up my diary because we're going +home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I can. +There have been some gypsies here for three days, +and yesterday one of the women came into the garden +through the back gate and looked at our hands and +told our fortunes, mine and Ada's and Dora's. Of +course we don't believe it, but she told Ada that +she would have a great but short career after many +difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she +made a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness +awaits me when I am _as old again as I am now_; a +great passion and great wealth. Of course that must +mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How +absurd! Dora says that I look much younger than 12 +so that she meant 20 or even 18. But that's just +as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so +many girls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that +it's impossible that the old gypsy woman could have +thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora's fortune was +that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and +then happiness. And she told Ada that her line of +life was broken!! + +September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, +Father kissed him on both cheeks and said: For +God's sake be a good chap this last year at school. +He has to matriculate this year, it's frightfully difficult. +But he says that anyone who has cheek enough can +get through all right. He says that cheek is often +more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. I know +he's right; but unfortunately at the moment it never +occurs to me what I ought to do. I often think +afterwards, you ought to have said this or that. Hella +is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she's not +particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. +If only half of what Oswald says he says to the professors +is true, then I can't understand why he is not +expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald says: +If one only puts it in the right way no one can say +anything. But that doesn't hold always. + +September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. +That's why I'm writing in the morning, because she's +coming here in the afternoon. I'm awfully glad. I +have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the +kind Hella and I are both so fond of. + +September 20th. Only a word or two. School +began again to-day. Thank goodness Frau Doktor M. +still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her doctor's +degree at the end of the school year. In history we +have a new Frau Doktor, but we don't know her +name yet. The Vischer woman has been _married_ in +the holidays!!! It's enough to make one split with +laughing that anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora +says she wouldn't like to be her husband; but most +likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles +in a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez +for one does not wear them all the time. But spectacles! +Dora says too that she can't understand how +a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella +often says it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer +glares at her through her spectacles. We have a new +natural history professor. I'm awfully glad that +three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that +we have one or really 2 professors, for we have the +Religionsprofessor too. In the Third they are frightfully +annoyed because only one of their mistresses has +a doctor's degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three +professors. + +September 25th. All the girls are madly in love +with Professor Wilke the natural history professor. +Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the way +home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his +head nearly touches the lamp when he stands up +quickly, and a splendid fair beard like fire when the +sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but +no one knows what it means and who we are talking +about. + +September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because +of Frl. St.'s vanity bag. Two other girls have +left and three new one's have come, but neither I +nor Hella like them. + +October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History +to-day I worked frightfully hard and _He_ was +splendid. We are to look after the pictures and the +animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and +I always wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in +the Nat. Hist. lesson we always put tissue paper of +the same colour on the desk. He wants us to keep +notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound +ours in lilac paper, exactly the same shade as his +necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we have to come to +school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how +happy I am. + +October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic +master, splendid! This is how we found it out. We, +Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe Sick +because he always has his afternoon coffee there. +And on Thursday when we passed by there before +the gymnastic lesson there was the gymnastic master +sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as +we passed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar +said to us: So you two are tormented and pestered +by my cousin in natural history? "Pestered" we said, +o no, it's the most delightful lesson in the whole week. +"Is that so?" said he, "I won't forget to let him know." +Of course we begged and prayed him not to give us +away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope he +will. + +October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner's mother is +dead. We are so sorry for her. Some of us are +going to the funeral, I mayn't go, Mother says it is +not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I +wonder if _He_ will go? I'm sure he will, for really he +_has_ to. + +October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully +pale. Franke says she will certainly get married +soon now that both her parents are dead. Her fiance +often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for +her in L. Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of +course, because he's an officer. I don't think much +of him myself, he's too short and too fat. He's only +a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband +should be nearly a head taller than his wife, or at least +half a head taller, like our Father and Mother. + +October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of +work to do that we're not taking season tickets this +winter, but are going to pay each time when we go +skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and +where. Hella thinks that with great caution we might +find out from his cousin during the gymnastic lesson. +They are often together in the Cafe. I should like +to know what they talk about, they are always laughing +such a lot, especially when we go by. + +October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is +_awfully_ unhappy. She is back in St. P., in a continuation +school. But the actor is not there any more. +She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains +which lie heavy on her soul. Poor darling. No one +can help her. That is, her Mother could help her +but she won't. It must be awful. Hella thinks that +her parents will not allow her to go on the stage until +she has tried to do herself a mischief; then things may +be better. It's quite true, what can her mother be +thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy +Ada is. After all, why on earth shouldn't she go on +the stage when she has so much talent? All her +mistresses and masters at the middle school praised +her reciting tremendously and one of them said in so +many words that she had _great dramatic talent_. +Masters don't flatter one; except . . .; first of all +_He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and +secondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others +When he strokes his beard I become quite hot and cold +with extasy. And the way he lifts up his coat tails +as he sits down. It's lovely, I do want to kiss him. +Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his +desk so that _he_ can hallow it with his hand as he +writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic lesson when I +write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks +back at me and we both know what the other is thinking +of. + +November 15th. It's a holiday to-day so at last I +can write once more. We have such a frightful lot +to do that I simply can't manage to write. Besides +Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for +the last 4 days. It's awfully dull and dreary. Of +course I had time to write those days, but then I +didn't want to write. As soon as Mother is well again +she's going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on +I'm awfully glad because of S.G. + +November 28th. Mother came to school to-day +and saw him too. I took her to him and he was +heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your +daughter; she's very keen and clever. Then he turned +over the pages of his notebook as if to look at his +notes. But really he knows by heart how we all work. +That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossible +with so many girls; and he teaches in the science +school as well where there are even more boys than +we are. + +December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold +Fairy. She is awfully pretty, but I really don't think +her so lovely as I did last year. Hella says she never +could think what had happened to my eyes. "You +were madly in love with her and you never noticed +that she has a typical Bohemian nose," said Hella. +Of course that's not true, but now my taste is _quite +different_. Still, I said how d'you do to her and she +was very nice. When she speaks she is really charming, +and I do love her gold stoppings. Frau Doktor +M. has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. + +December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her +silly jokes to herself. When the Trobisch's were all +here to-day they were talking about the school and +she said: "Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; +last year it was Frau Doktor Malburg and this +year it's Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor Malburg +has fallen from grace now." If I had wanted to +I could have begun about the two students on the +ice. But I'm not like that so I merely looked at +her with contempt and gave her a kick under the +table. And she had the cheek to say: What's the +matter? Oh, of course these tender secrets of the +heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, it +does not matter at your age, for things don't cut deep." +But she was rightly paid out: Frau von Tr. and +Father roared with laughter and Frau v. Tr. said: +"Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your +white hair in the glass?" Oh, how I did laugh, and +she was so frightfully put out that she blushed like +fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ that I was an +ill-mannered pig. That's why I did not tell her that +she'd left her composition book on the table and to- +morrow she has to give it in. It's all the same to _me_, +for I'm an ill-mannered pig. + +December 9th. It's awful. At 2 o'clock this afternoon +Hella was taken to the Low sanatorium and was +operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother has +just telephoned that the operation has been successful. +But the doctors said that 2 hours later it would have +been too late. My knees are trembling and my hand +shakes as I write. She has not slept off the anisthetic +yet. + +December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one +can see her except her father and mother, not even +Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a jolly time +and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves +sick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis +from that. On Monday evening, when we were +going home after the gym lesson, she said she did +not feel at all well. The night before last she had a +rigor and the first thing in the morning the doctor +said that she must go to hospital at once for an +operation. + +December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully +excited about Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was +awfully nice and put off mathematics till next Tuesday. +On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does +want to see me so and so do I want to see her. + +December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn't +care about anything; I got her mother to take some +roses and violets from me, she did like them so much. + +December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella +from two until a quarter to 4. She is so pale and when I +came in we both cried such a lot. I brought her +some more flowers and I told her directly that when +he sees me Prof. W. always asks after her. So do the +other members of the staff especially Frau Doktor M. +The girls want to visit her but her mother won't let +them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite +different, like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she +said: We can never be strangers to one another, +not even in death. Then I burst out crying again +and both our mothers said I must go away because +it was too exciting for Hella. + +December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. +She passed me a little note asking me to get from her +locker the parcel with the blotting-book for her father +and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her +because the things are not ready yet for Christmas. + +December 16th. Hella's better to-day. I've got to +paint the blotting-book for her father. Thank goodness +I can. She'll be able to finish the key basket +herself, that's nothing. + +December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully +unhappy for it won't be a real Christmas if Hella has +to stay in hospital over Christmas. But perhaps she +will for since yesterday she has not been so well, +the doctors can't make out why she suddenly had +fever once more. For she didn't let on that I had +brought her some burnt almonds because she's so +awfully fond of them. But now I'm so terribly +frightened that she'll have to have another operation. + +December 19th. Directly after school I went to +see Hella again for I had been so anxious I could +not sleep all night. Thank goodness she's better. One +of the doctors said that if she'd been in a private +house he would have felt sure it was an error in diet, +but since she was in hospital that could be excluded. +So it was from the burnt almonds and the two sticks +of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for +they were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts +lie heavy on the stomach. She had a pain already +while I was still there, but she wouldn't say anything +about it because it was her fault that I'd brought her +the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, +I shan't bring her anything but flowers, and they +can't make her ill. Of course it would be different +if it were true about the "Vengeance of Flowers." +But that's all nonsense, and besides I don't bring any +strong-scented flowers. + +December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday +Hella can come home, in time for the Christmas +tree. Now I know what to give her, a long chair, +Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself +but Father will give me as much as I want. Oh +there's no one like Father! To-morrow he's going to +take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. + +December 21st. I was only a very short time with +Hella to-day because Father came to fetch me soon. +At first she was a little hurt, but then she saw that +we had important business so she said: All right +as long as it is not anything made of marzipan. That +nearly gave us both away. For when we were in the +street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that +about marzipan? So I said quickly: Since she's +been ill she has a perfect loathing for sweets. +Thank goodness Father didn't notice anything. But +I do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all +I always feel that he'll see through it, and secondly +anyhow I don't like telling fibs to him. The couch +is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the +round bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, +but I said: No, then it would not be my present, and +so I paid five crowns and Father 37. To-morrow +early it will be sent to the Bruckners. + +December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. +She has already been up a little, but she is still so +weak that she has to lean on someone when she walks. +She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says +in a hospital one always feels as if one was going to +die. She's quite right. The first time I went to see +her I nearly burst out crying on the stairs. And afterwards +we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother +knows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. +I do hope they won't forget about it at the shop. + +December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her +father carried her upstairs while I held her hand. +The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to congratulate +her and the old privy councillor on the +second story and his wife sent down a great pot of +lilac. She was so tired that I came away at 5 o'clock +so that she could rest. To-morrow I'm going to their +Christmas tree first and then to ours. Because of +Hella the Br's are going to have the present giving at +5 o'clock, we shall have ours as usual at 7. + +December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I +simply could not write a word. It was lovely here +and at Hella's. I shan't write down all the things +I got, because I've no time, and besides I know anyhow. +Hella was awfully pleased with the couch, her +father carried her into the room and laid her on the +sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It's certainly +awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, +when everyone takes care of one, and when no one +denies you the first place. I don't grudge it to Hella. +She's such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, +and after dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: +Open the drawer of my writing-table, the lowest one +on the right, and you'll find my diary there if you +want to read it. I shall never forget it! It's true +that we agreed we would let one another read our +diaries, but we've never done it yet; after all we're +a little shy of one another, and besides after a long +time one can't remember exactly what one has written. +What she writes is always quite short, never more than +half a page, but what she writes is always important. +Of course she couldn't sleep but instead I had to read +her a lot of things out of her diary, especially the +holidays when she was in Hungary. She was made +much of there. By two cadets and her two cousins. +We laughed so madly over some things that it hurt +Hella's wound and I had to stop reading. + +December 29th. We were put in such a frightful +rage yesterday. This is how it happened. It is a +long time since we both gave up playing with dolls +and things of that sort but when I was rummaging +in Hella's box I came across the dolls' things; they +were quite at the bottom where Hella never looked +at them. I took out the little Paris model and she +said: Give it here and bring all the things that belong +to it. I arranged them all on her bed and we were +trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and Dora +came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful +look and said: Ah, at their favourite occupation: +look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite red with excitement +over their play. Wasn't it impertinent. We playing +with dolls! Even if we had been, what business was +it of hers to make fun of us? Hella was in a frightful +rage and to-day she said: "One is never safe from +spies; please put all those things away in the box so +that I shan't see them any more." It really is too +stupid that one should always be reproached about +dolls as if it was something disgraceful. After all, +one doesn't really understand until later how all the +things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more +when one is quite a little girl and one first gets dolls, +one does not understand whether they are pretty and +nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we've done with +dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, +for the day after to-morrow is New Year's Day. + +But what annoys me most of all was this piece +of cheek of Dora's; she says that Lizzi said: "We +used to delight in those things at one time," but I +was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to +eat all the best things off the Christmas tree on the +sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ is nothing. _That's_ quite +fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper yesterday +I asked: But what's become of the second marzipan +sandwich, I'm sure there were two on the tree. And I +looked at her steadily till she got quite red. And after +a time I said: the big basket of vegetables is gone +too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don't need to +ask your permission. As for the sandwich, Oswald +took that. I was in such a temper, and then Father +said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your wrath +with the second sandwich and wash it down with a +sip of liqueur. For Grandfather sent Father a bottle +of liqueur. + +December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. +I've no interest in the school any longer. We're silly +little fools, love-sick and forward minxes. That's all +the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday +and Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange +everything and dust everything and then he can say a +thing like that. I shall never write _he_ with a big h +again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow +it all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite +Hella. It made me frightfully angry when Mother +told me, but still I'm glad for I know what line to +take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and +the sister of our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- +High School, happened to be there, and she told +Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed +because the girls in the high school are so forward. +Such silly little fools, and the little minxes begin it +already in the First Class. _For that reason he prefers +to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but they don't +make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, +now that I know _I_ shant make myself a nuisance to +him any more. On Friday, when the next lesson is, +I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the +things into the class-room without saying a word. And +I shall tell Kalinsky too that we're such an _infernal +nuisance_ to him. Just fancy, as if _we_ were in the +First Class! + +January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. +makes me perfectly furious. Hella kept on asking +yesterday what was the matter, said I seemed different +somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep +it in. I must keep it in for the sake of her health, +even if it makes me ill. Anyway what use is life now. +Since people are so falsehearted. He always looked so +awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way +in which he asked how Hella was and all the time he +was so false!!! If Hella only knew. Aha, to-morrow! + +January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked +at the door--Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what +do we want for the lesson to-day? He very civilly: +Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of a +Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as +usual.--He turned round and stared at me: It does +not seem to have been; to judge from your manner. +--I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: +O-o-h? He may well say O-o-h! For he has not +the least idea that I know the way in which he speaks +of us. + +January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for +her first drive. She's much better now and will come +back to school by the middle of the month. I _must_ +tell her before that or she'll get a shock. Yesterday +she asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?-- +Oh yes, I fibbed, but not so often as before. And +she said: That's the way it goes, out of sight out +of mind. What will happen when she learns the +truth. Anyhow I shan't tell her until she's quite +strong. + +January 10th. I've had to tell Hella already. +She was talking so enthusiastically about S. G. At +first I said nothing. And then she said: What are +you making such a face for? Are not you allowed +to arrange the things any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of +course I'm _allowed_, but I don't _want_ to any more. +I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; for I +really _was_ madly in love with him. + +January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love +with him too or rather must be in love with him still. +On Sunday evening she was so much upset that her +mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She +had pains and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness +she's got over it like me. She said to-day: Don't +let's bother ourselves about it any more. We wasted +our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At +such moments she is magnificent, especially now when +she is still so pale. Besides in the holidays and now +since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. +Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter +head taller than me. Dora is frightfully annoyed +because I am nearly as tall as she is. Thank goodness +it makes me look older than 12 1/2. + +Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for +her mother is going to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 +weeks. + +January 18th. It's horridly dull with Hella away. +Only now do I realise, since her illness. I am always +feeling as if she had fallen ill again. Her mother +has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in +the beginning of February. + +January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is +really since, she went away, I spend most of my time +with Fritzi Hubner. She's awfully nice, though I did +not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and +I sit together. For it's horrid to sit alone on a bench +Fritzi knows a good deal already. She would not +talk about it at first because it so often leads to trouble. +Her brother has told her everything. He's rather a +swell and is called Paul. + +January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and +Dora and I were allowed to go. I skated with Fritzi +and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, one +of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a +race with 5 other girls. Paul is awfully clever, he +says he's going into the army, the flying corps. +That's even more select than being on the general +staff. Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, +ought to have gone to the military academy, but his +grandfather would not allow it. He is to choose for +himself. But of course he will become an officer. +Most boys want to be what their father is. But +Oswald is perhaps going into the Navy. I wish I +knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: +Good God, I'm not doing it on my own account. I'm +only doing it because of Oswald. The two girls won't +get much out of it. + +February 3rd. I've just been reading what I wrote +about Father. I am wondering what it can be. I +think that Father either wants to win the great prize +in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. +But Dora and I would get something out of that, for +it would not belong to Oswald only. + +February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. +But she said she didn't know; if it was anything +which concerned us, Father would tell us. But it +must be something, or Mother would not have told +Father in the evening that I had asked. I can't +endure these secrets. Why shouldn't we know that +Father's going to buy a house. Fritzi's grandfather +has a house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But +Fritzi is very simply dressed and her mother too. + +February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming +back to-morrow, just before her birthday. Luckily +she can eat everything again so I am giving her a +huge bag of Viktor Schmid's sweets with a silver +sugar tongs. Mother and I are going to meet Hella +at the station. They are coming by the 8.20. + +February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming +to-day. I nearly could not meet her because Mother +is not very well to-day. But Father's going to take +me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow +afternoon, but she can't. She's an awfully nice girl +and her brother is too, but on the first day Hella is +back we must be alone together. She said so too in +the last letter she wrote me. She's been away more +than 3 weeks. It's a frightfully long time when you +are fond of one another. + +February 15th. I simply can't write my diary +because Hella and I spend all our free time together. +Yesterday we got our reports. Of course Hella has +not got one. Except in Geography and History I +have nothing but Ones, even in Natural History +although since New Year I have not done any work +in that subject. I detest Natural History. When +Hella comes back to school we are going to ask the +_sometime_ S. G. to relieve us from the labours of looking +after the things. Hella is still too weak to do it. +Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going to +be wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but +she's lovely already. She's been burned as brown as +a berry by the warm southern sun, and it really suits +_her_, though only her. I can't stand other people +when they are sun-burned. But really everything +suits Hella; when she was so pale in hospital, she +was lovely; and now she is just as lovely, only in quite +a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says: +You can measure a girl's beauty by the degree in which +she bears being sunburned without losing her good +looks. He really used to say that in the holidays +simply to annoy Dora and me, but he's quite right all +the same. + +February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. +They were all awfully nice to Hella, and Frau +Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her arm round +her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today +was the Natural History lesson. We knocked at +the door and when we went in Prof. W. said: Ah +I'm glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you +don't give us all another fright. How are you? +Hella said: "Quite well, thank you, Herr Prof." +And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious +face and he said: It seems to me that you've caught +your friend's ill humour.--Hella: "Herr Prof., you +are really too kind, but we don't want to trouble you. +What things have we to take to the class-room? And +then we beg leave to resign our posts, for I don't feel +strong enough for the work." She said this in quite +a soldierly way, the way she is used to hear her father +speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked +at us and said: "All right, two of the other pupils +will take it over." We don't know whether he really +noticed nothing or simply did not wish to show that +he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so +awfully sorry; for it was the last time, the very last +time. + +February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got +_Unsatisfactory_. I was not being questioned, but when +Klaiber could not answer anything I laughed, and he +said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. +But since I had been thinking of something quite different +I did not know what it was all about, and so I +got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ of course that would +not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and +Franke did all they could to console me and said: +"That does not matter, it wasn't an examination; he'll +_have_ to examine you properly later." Anyhow Franke +thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off +if he gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor +can forget _such a defeat_. For we told her about the +silly little fools. She said, indeed, that we had made +it too obvious. That's not really true. But now she +takes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. +Verbenowitsch and Bennari bring in the things now. +They are much better suited for it. Hella's father did +not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter +or the maidservant are there for that--we never see +them all the year round, that's a fine thing. + +March 8th. Easter does not come this year until +April 16th. I am going with the Bruckners to Cilli, +outside the town there they have a vineyard with a +country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully +glad. All the flowers begin to come out there at the +end of March or beginning of April. + +March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met +a gentleman to-day, very fashionably dressed with +gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair moustache. Hella +blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat +and said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking +very well. How are you? He never looked at me, +and when he had gone she said: "That was Dr. +Fekete, who assisted at my operation."--"And you +tell me _that_ now for the first time?" Then she put +on an innocent air and said: "Of course, we've never +met him before," but I said: "I don't mean _that_. +If you knew how red you got you would not tell me +a lie." Then she said: "What am I telling you a lie +about? Do you think I'm in love with him? Not +in the very least."--But when one is _not_ in love one +does not blush like that. Anyhow I shan't tell everything +now either; I can hold my tongue too. + +March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another +so much as usual; I especially was very silent. +When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been doing +the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and +brought me some lovely violets, so of course I forgave +her. This is really the first time we've ever quarrelled. +First she wanted to bring me some sweets, but then +she decided upon violets, and I think that was much +more graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when +it has hurt itself or been in a temper. But flowers +are not for a child. + +March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all +terribly upset. None of us were very intimate with +her, but now that she is dead we all remember that +she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following +rheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, +except Hella who was not allowed to come. Her +mother cried like anything and her grandmother still +more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white +roses with a lovely inscription: Death has snatched +you away in the flower of your youth--Your Schoolfellows. + +I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not +see Frieda Belay after she was dead, but Franke was +there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. She says +she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In +the church Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother +was buried only a month ago and now she was reminded +of it all and was frightfully upset. I cried +a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was +because I was thinking she might have died last Dec. +But that wasn't it, I don't think about that sort of +thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully sad. + +March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I +can't go to Cilli with Hella. Her mother was at +her cousin's, and when she heard that she was going +to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with +her. That is, she didn't ask straight out, but kept +on hinting until Hella's mother said: Let Melanie +come with us, it will help to set her up after her illness. +In the winter she had congestion of the lung. +Hella and I can't bear her because she's always spying +on us and is so utterly false. So of course I can't +go. Hella says too she's frightfully sorry, but when +_she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, +it would drive us crazy. She quite agrees +that I had better not come. But oh I'm so annoyed +for first of all I do so like going away with Hella +and secondly I should like to go away in the holidays +anyhow for nearly all the girls in our class are going +away. Still, there's nothing to be done. Hella's +mother says she can't see why we can't all 3 go +though it simply would not work. But we can't explain +it to her. Hella is so poetical and she says +"A beautiful dream vanished." + +In Hella's mouth such fine words sound magnificent, +but when Dora uses such expressions they annoy me +frightfully because they don't come from her heart. + +March 26th. The school performances finish today +with Waves of the Sea and Waves of Love. I'm +awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write anything +about that. For anyhow the play is written by a +poet and one can read it if one wants to, and one just +sees the rest anyhow. I can't make out what Dora +finds such a lot to scribble about always the day after +we've been to the theatre. I expect she's in love with +one of the actors and that's why she writes such a lot. +Besides we in the second class did not get tickets for +all the performances, but only the girls from the Fourth +upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow +for we often go in the evening and on Sunday +afternoons. But unfortunately I mayn't go in the +evening as a rule. + +March 29th. To-day something horrible happened +to Dora and me. I simply can't write it down. She +was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the +Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened +when she was travelling with Mother on February +15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing to +see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there +was only one gentleman in the carriage, Mother always +travels second class. She and Mother were sitting +together and the gentleman was standing farther +down the carriage where Mother could not see him +but Dora could. And as Dora was looking he opened +his cloak and-- -- --! just what the man did to-day +at the house door. And when they got out of the +train Dora's boa got stuck in the door and she had to +turn round though she did not want to, and then she +saw again-- -- --! She simply could not sleep for +a whole month afterwards. I remember that time +when she could not sleep but I did not know why it +was. She never told anyone except Erika and the +same thing happened to her once. Dora says that +happens at least once to nearly every girl; and that +such men are "_abnormal_." I don't really know what +that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hella +will know. Of course I did not really look, but +Dora shivered and said: And _that_ is what one has +to endure. And then, when we were talking it over +she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and +because she has had five children; Then I was very +silly and said: "But how from _that_?" one does not +get children from that? "Of course," she said I +thought you knew that already. That time there was +such a row with Mali about the waistband, I thought +you and Hella had heard all about everything." Then +I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for instead +of telling her what I really knew I said: "Oh, +yes, I knew all about it except just that." Then she +burst out laughing and said: "After all, what you +and Hella know doesn't amount to much." And in +the end she told me a _little_. If it's really as Dora +says, then she is right when she says it is better not +to marry. One can fall in love, one must fall in love, +but one can just break off the engagement. Well, +that's the best way out of the difficulty for then no +one can say that you've never had a man in love with +you. We walked up and down in front of the school +for such a long time that we were very nearly late +and only got in just as the bell rang. On the way +home I told Hella the awful thing we'd seen the man +do. She does not know either what "abnormal" really +means _as far as this is concerned_. But now we shall +use it as an expression for something horrible. Of +course no one will understand us. And then Hella +told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . +was walking through the streets _like that_ and was +arrested. She says _too_ that one can never forget seeing +anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning +was drunk too. But he didn't look as if he were +drunk. And if he hadn't done _that_ one would really +have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knows +too that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She +explained it all to me and now I can quite understand +that _that_ must make one ill. Yesterday it was after +11 at night and so I'm finishing to-day. Hella says: +_That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which +Adam and Eve committed. Before I had always believed +the original sin was something quite different. +But that--that. Since yesterday I've been so upset +I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look +at all, but I must have seen it all the same. + +March 30th. I don't know why, but in the history +lesson to-day it all came into my head once more +what Dora had said of Father. But I really can't +believe it. Because of Father I'm really sorry that +I know it. Perhaps it does not all happen the way +Dora and Hella say. Generally I can trust Hella, +but of course she may be mistaken. + +April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She +is quite different now from what she used to be. +One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. +Only common people say P--. Or one can say one's +_like that_. Dora has had M-- since August before +last, and it is horribly disagreeable, because men always +know. That is why at the High School we have +only three men professors and all the other teachers +are women. Now Dora often does not have M-- and +then sometimes it's awfully bad, and that's why she's +anemic. That men always know, that's frightfully +interesting. + +April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. +Dora certainly knows more than I do, that is not +more but better. But she isn't quite straightforward +all the same. When I asked her how she got to know +about it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she +said: "Oh, I don't know; one finds it all out somehow; +one need only use one's eyes and one's ears, +and then one can reason things out a little." But +seeing and hearing don't take one very far. I've always +kept my eyes open and I'm not so stupid as all +that. One must be told by some one, one _can't_ just +happen upon it by oneself. + +April 6th. I don't care about paying visits now. +We used always to like going to see the Richters, but +to-day I found it dull. Now I know why Dora hates +going second class on the Metropolitan. I always +thought it was only to spite me because I like travelling +second. She never likes going second since _that_ +happened. It seems one is often unjust to people +who never meant what one thought. But why did +she not tell me the truth? She says because I was +still a child then. That's all right, but what about +this winter when I was cross because we went Third +class to Schonbrunn; I really believed she did it to +annoy me, for I could not believe she was afraid that +in the second class, where one is often alone, somebody +would suddenly attack her with a knife. But +now I understand quite well, for of course she could +not tell Mother the truth and Father still less. And +in winter and spring there are really often no passengers +to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on +the Outer Circle. + +April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters +yesterday we, especially I, had been frightfully dull +and stupid. Why had we kept on exchanging glances? +We had been most unmannerly. If she had only +known what we were thinking of when Frau Richter +said, the weather to-day is _certainly quite abnormal_; +we have not had such _abnormal_ heat for years. And +then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about +his brother who had spent the whole winter at +Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my brother is a little +_abnormal_, I think he's got a tile loose in the upper +storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau +R. helped us once more to a tremendous lot of cake +and I was able to lean well forward over my plate. +And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton and +just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother +was _very_ unjust to me, for the cake had nothing at +all to do with it. Dora says too that I must learn +to control myself better, that if I only watch her I'll +soon learn. That's all very well, but why should one +have to bother? If people did not use words that +really mean something quite different then other people +would not have to control themselves. Still, I +must learn to do it somehow. + +April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite +early, at half past 8, they telephoned from the school +that Dora had suddenly been taken ill in the Latin +lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother +drove down directly in a taxi and I went with her +because anyhow my lessons began at 9 and we found +Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting +by her and the head's friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, +who is a medical doctor, and they had loosened her +dress and put a cold compress on her head for she +had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That's the +third time this year, so she must really have anemia. +I wanted to drive home with her, but Mother and Frau +Dr. P. said I'd better just go to my lessons. And as +I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: "That's a fine +healthy girl, a jolly little fellow." Really one should +only use that word of boys and men, but I suppose +she has got into the way of using it through being +with men so much. If one studies medicine one has +to learn all about _that_ and to look at everything. It +must be really horrid. + +Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too +that she's anemic. To-morrow or the day after Mother +is going to take her to see a specialist. Dora says it's +a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can't hear +what people are saying and one feels quite weak and +then one does not know anything more. I wonder +if I shall ever faint? Very likely when-- -- -- We +talked a lot about everything we are interested in. +In the afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and +she thinks she looks awfully pretty in bed, an interesting +invalid and at the same time so distinguished +looking. It's quite true, we all look distinguished. + +April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother's _wedding +day_. Now I know _what_ that really means. Dora says +it can't really be true that it is the most lovely day +in one's life, as everyone says it is, especially the poets. +She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed +because after all everyone knows. . . . That's quite +true, but after all one need not tell anyone which +one's wedding day is. Dora says she will never tell +her children which her wedding day is. But it would +be a great pity if parents always did that for then in +every family there would be one anniversary the less. +And the more anniversaries there are, the jollier it is. + +April 10th. To-morrow I'm going with Father to +Salzburg. Dora can't come, for they think she might +faint in the train. I'm rather glad really, though I've +nothing against her and I'm sorry for her, but it's +much nicer to go with Father alone. It's a long time +since I was in Salzburg. I'm so awfully glad to go. +Our spring coats and skirts are so pretty, dark green +with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and +light brown straw hats with daisies for the spring +and later we shall have cherries or roses. I'm taking +my diary so that I can write everything which _interests_ +me. + +April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father +says I ground my teeth frightfully and was very restless: +but I did not know anything about it. We had +a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when +there was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with +us, because her aunt, who has just been married, is +coming to visit them. Really I'm quite glad, for I +like so much being with Father quite alone. This +afternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock +Theatre. It is wonderful. + +April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! +But I don't much like it when other people are there. +To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The weather was +lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive +a view it always makes me feel sad. Because +there are so many people one does not know who perhaps +are very nice. I should like to be always travelling. +It would be splendid. + +April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was +writing a letter to Mother and he let me go to see +the salt works; I don't know how it happened, but +suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, +in a place I did not know. Then an old gentleman +asked me what I was looking for; because I had +walked past the same place 3 times and I said we +were staying in the "Zur Post Hotel" and I did not +know how to find my way back. So he came with me +to show me and as we were talking it came out that +he had known Father at the university. So he came +in with me and Father was awfully glad to see him. +He is a barrister in Salzburg but he has a grey beard +already. As he was going away he said in an undertone +to Father: "I congratulate you old chap on +your daughter; she'll be something quite out of the +ordinary!" He whispered it really, but I heard all +the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at +the Kapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military +band; two young officers in the Yagers who were sitting +at the next table to ours kept on looking our way; +one was particularly handsome. My new summer +coat and skirt is awfully becoming everyone says. +Father says too: "I say, you'll soon be a young lady! +But don't grow up too quickly!" I can't make out +why he said that; I should like to be quite grown up; +but it will be a long time yet. + +April 14th. It's been raining all day. How horrid. +One can't go anywhere. All the morning we were +walking about the town and saw several churches. +Then we were at the pastrycook's, where I ate 4 chocolate +eclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for +dinner. + +April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. +Gratzl sent up the hotel clerk to ask us to dinner. +We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. He +has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three +years ago. One of the sons is a student in Graz and +the other is a lieutenant in the army; he is engaged +to be married. The daughters are quite old already; +one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is +horrid. The youngest (!!!) is 24. It is so funny +to say "the youngest" and then she is 24. Father +says she is very pretty and will certainly get married +At 24!! when she's not even engaged yet; I don't +believe she will. They have a large garden, 3 dogs +and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There +are steps leading up and down from room to room, +it is lovely, and all the windows are bow-windows. +Everything is so old-fashioned, even the furniture +I do think it's all so pretty. The hall is round like +a church. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed +fruit, and pastries. I had a huge go of stewed fruit. +They have a gramaphone and then Leni and I played +the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the +student, came in; he got quite red and in the hall +Dr. Gratzl said to me: "You've made a conquest +to-day." I don't really believe I have, but I do like +hearing it said. I'm sorry to say we are going away +to-morrow, for we are going to stay 2 days in Linz +with Uncle Theodor whom I don't know. + +April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt +Lina is old too. Still, they are both awfully nice. +I did not know them before. We are staying with +them. In the evening their son and his wife came. +They are my cousins, and they brought their little +girl with them; I am really a sort of aunt of hers. +It's awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only 12 +and 3/4 and when one's niece is 9. To-day we went +walking along the Danube. It only rained very gently +and not all the time. + +April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course +we have sent a lot of picture postcards to Mother +and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald too. He +came home for Easter. I don't know whether he will +still be there to-morrow. + +April 22nd. We've begun school again. Dora and +I generally walk to school together since she does not +go to the Latin lesson now because it was too great a +strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see +wanted her to give up studying altogether, but she +absolutely refuses to do that. But I'm very furious +with her; she's learning Latin in secret. When I came +into the room the day before yesterday she was writing +out words and she shut her book quickly instead of +saying openly and honestly: Rita, don't tell Father +and Mother that I'm still studying in the evening: +"I trust your word." She could trust me perfectly +well. There are plenty of things I could tell if I +liked! Perhaps she fancies that I don't see that the +tall fair man always follows us to school in the morning. +Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully +bald and must be at least 30. And I'm certain she +would not talk as much as she does to Hella and me +if it were not that she wants to talk about _that_. But +this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise +we are now quite intimate with one another. + +April 24th. We went to confession and communion +to-day. I do hate confession; though it's never happened +to me what many girls have told me, even girls +in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the +6th commandment; all they've asked is: In thought, +word, or deed? Still, I do hate going to confession, +and so does Dora. It's much nicer for Hella as a +Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion +I'm always terrified that the host might drop +out of my mouth. That would be awful. I expect +one would be immediately excommunicated as a +heretic. Dora was not allowed to come to confession +and com., Father would not let her. She must not +go out without her breakfast. + +April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who +dropped the host out of her mouth. There was a +frightful row about it. She said it was not her fault +the priest's hand shook so. It's quite true, he was +very old, and that is why I'm always afraid it will +happen to me. It's much better when the priest is +young, because then that can never happen. Father +says that the girl won't be excommunicated for this, +and luckily one of her uncles is a distinguished +prelate. He is her guardian too. That will help +her out. + +April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in +the interval. She is awfully nice and she says she +really did not do it on purpose for she is frightfully +pious and perhaps she's going to be a nun. I am +pious too, we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I +would not go into a convent, not I. Dora says people +generally do that when they've been crossed in love, +because then the world seems empty and hateful. +She looked so frightfully sentimental that I said: +Seems to me you've a fancy that way yourself? +Then she said: "No, thank goodness, I've no reason +for that." Of course what she meant was that she +was not crossed in love but the other way. No doubt +the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at +her for a long time and said: "I congratulate you on +your good fortune. But Hella and I wish he was not +bald," then she said with an astonished air: "Bald? +What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of +a thinker." + +27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. +I have forgotten to say that Dora has to go out every +day for two hours to sit and walk in the sunshine. +Since Mother is not very well and can't walk much, +we've engaged the Mad. Father says that when I have +time I must go too "as a precautionary measure." I +don't like the idea at all, it's much too dull; besides +I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week, +Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, +Thursdays, and Saturdays I have my music +lesson, so I can't go; so Finis and Jubilation! That's +what Oswald always says at the end of the year and +at the end of term. Still, she's very pretty, has fair +curly hair, huge grey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, +but she speaks so fast that I can't understand +all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman +is to come, but we have not got one yet, they are all +so expensive. It does seem funny to me to get a salary +for going out with _grown up girls_, that's only an +amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw +last year in Rathaus Park, it would be different. As +for the French or English conversation! If they did +not want to talk what would it matter? And besides +why should one want to talk either French or English, +it's so stupid. + +April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and +the eldest son came too, the lieutenant from Lemberg; +he is awfully handsome and made hot love to Dora; +Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry +in Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring +Dora one of Tolstoi's books to read. Then they will +do some music together, she piano and he violin; it's +a pity I can't play as well as Dora yet. At Whitsuntide +Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means +conqueror) is on furlough for 6 months, because he's +ill, or because he is said to be ill; for one does not +look like _that_ when one is really ill. + +May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he +must be frightfully smitten with Dora. But Father +won't have it at any price. He said to Dora to-day: + +You get this gay young spark out of your head; he +is no good. But at sight of a uniform there is no +holding you girls. I've no objection to you doing +music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual +running to and fro with books and notes is all humbug." + +May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is +with Dora, to school every day. He is supposed to +lie in bed late every morning, for he is really ill +but for Dora's sake he gets up frightfully early and +comes over from Heitzing and waits in ---- Street. +Of course I go on alone with Hella and we all meet +In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything at +school. + +May 13th. To-morrow is Mother's birthday and +Viktor (when I am talking about him to Dora I always +speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely roses +and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the +hall he called me "the Guardian Angel of our Love." +Yes, that is what I am and always shall be; for he +really deserves it and Dora too is quite different from +what she used to be. Hella says one can see for +oneself that love ennobles; up till now she has always +thought that to be mere poetical fiction. + +May 15th. Father said: I don't care much about +these visits to the Richters as long as that _young +jackanapes_ is still there, but Mother can't very well +refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts +with the white blouses with the little green silk leaves +for Dora does not like to wear all white except in +summer. And because the leaves on the blouses are +_clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We +are looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope +Mother will be all right, for she is in bed to-day. It's +horrid being ill anyhow, but when being ill interferes +with other people's pleasure it's simply frightful. + +May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother's +birthday; but it was not so jolly as usual because +Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present I +painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which +looks awfully chic. Dora gave her a book cover +embroidered with a spray of Japanese cherries, I +don't know what Father gave her, money I think, +because on her birthday and name day he always +hands her an envelope. But since Mother is not well +we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her +health at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought +we were not looking. Still, it's not so dangerous as +all that; she is able to go out and doesn't look bad. +I think Mother's awfully smart, she looks just as well +in her dressing gown as when she's dressed up to +go out. Dora says that if she had been made ill by +her husband she would hate him and would never +let her daughters marry. That's all very well, but +one ought to be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has +become ill. They say that is why Aunt Dora doesn't +like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to her +as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see +Mother. But after all, Aunt Dora has no right to +make _scenes_ about it to Father, as Dora says she does. +Mother's the only person with any right to do that. +Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother's +having to have an operation. Nothing would ever +induce me to undergo an operation, it must be horrible, +I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. But +Dora says: "Anyone who's had five children must be +used to that sort of thing." I shall pray every night +that Mother may get well without an operation. I +expect we shan't all go away together at Whitsuntide +this year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health +resort, most likely to Franzensbad. + +May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter +was there from Modling, he was awfully nice, and +said I was so like my sister that it was difficult to tell +us apart. That's a frightful cram, but I know what +he really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and +the three played a trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed +with myself for not having worked harder at my +music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours +every day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter +Viktor is going to found a private dramatic club, so +he must be going to stay more than six months in +Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and +when I said: "The great pity is that she's got such +frightful anemia," he said: In a man's eyes that is +no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. +Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often +makes a girl more charming than ever, as you can +see in your sister. + +Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for +the first time; anybody can have her for me. She +wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is engaged, but +Dora says, has been. I simply don't believe it. V. +says Mad. is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora +if she was not jealous, she said she didn't care, she +was quite sure of his love. He means to leave the +army and go into the civil service, and then he will +be able to marry. But Dora said, there's plenty of +time for that, a secret engagement is much nicer. +Then she noticed she'd given herself away, and she +blushed like anything and said: You naturally must +be engaged before you are married, mustn't you?-- +of course she _is_ secretly engaged, but she won't tell +me about it. What's the good of my being the +"Guardian Angel of their Love?" If he only knew. + +May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I +simply have no time, first of all I had my lesson +anyhow, and secondly something awful happened to +Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; +and because we have our religion lesson in the Fifth +I saw a green bound book lying under the third bench. +Great Scott, I thought, that looks like Dora's diary. +I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchel +over it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When +I got home at 1 o'clock I did not say anything at +first. After dinner she began rummaging all over the +place, but without saying anything to me, and then +I said quite quietly: "Do you hap--pen to be look-- +ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--it +--in--the--fifth--class--un--der--the-- +third--bench." (I kept her on tenter hooks that way.) +She got as white as a sheet and said: You _are_ an +angel. If any one else had found it, I should have +been expelled and Mad. would have had to drown +herself. Oh, it can't be as bad as all that," I said, +for what she said about Mad. was frightfully exciting. +In class I had looked chiefly at what she had +written about V. But I could not read it there, +because it was written very small and close together +and was several pages, but I had not looked much at +what she had written about Mad. "Did you read it?" +No, only where it happened to come open because +there's a page torn out. About V. or about Mad? +"A little about Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan't +tell anyone. For if I'd wanted to betray you, you +know quite well. . . ." And then she told me all +about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would +not even tell Hella. Mad. is secretly engaged to a +man to whom she has given "the utmost gifts of love," +that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love +with him, and they would marry directly but he is +a lieutenant too, and they have not enough money +for the security. She says that when one really loves +a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has +often been to his rooms, but she has to be frightfully +careful for her father would kill her if he found out. +Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he is very +handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. +says that you can't trust men as a rule, but that her +lover is quite different, that he is true as steel. I am +sure V. is too. + +May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could +not look at her while Mother was there and Dora +says I made an awful fool of myself. For I went +out walking with them to-day, and when we met a +smart-looking officer I hemmed and looked at Dora. +But she didn't know why. Mad. is the daughter of a +high official in the French military service and she +only took her teacher's degree in order to get free from +her Mother's "_tyranny_;" she nagged at her frightfully +and until she began to give lessons she was never +allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very refined in +her speech, especially when she is talking about +_these_ things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks +German, for it's much more difficult to say it in +French, and probably Dora would not understand +it and then Mad. would only have to translate it. +She is called Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. +says that if one is madly in love with a man one does +whatever he asks. But I don't see that one need do +that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he +might ask you to get the moon out of the skies, or to +pull out a tooth for his sake. Dora says she can +understand it quite well; that I still lack _the true +inwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter +nonsense. But since it sounds fine I've written it +down, and perhaps I shall find a use for it some day +when I'm talking to Walter. Mad. is always frightfully +anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did +she's sure her father would kill her. The lieutenant +is in the flying corps. He hopes he's going to invent +a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lot of money +out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But +it would be awful if _something happened_ and she got +a baby already. + +May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I +knew all about these things, whether Hella had told +me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said +quite casually: "Oh, one can read all about that in +the encyclopedia." But Dora laughed and said: +"You are quite on the wrong scent; you can't find a +tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what +you do find is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely +no good_ depending on books." First of all she +would not tell me any more, but after a time she told +me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, +and about _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic +baby which really comes from the husband, and not +as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. And how +one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is +really an awful word. In fact almost every word +has a second meaning of _that_ sort, and what Dora +says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when +one is talking. Dora thinks it would be best to make +a list of all such words, but there are such a frightful +lot of them that one never could. The only thing +one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets +used to it. Still it happened to Dora the other day +that she said to V.: I don't want any _intercourse_. +And that really means "the utmost gifts of love," so +Mad. told her. But V. was so well-mannered that +he did not show that he noticed anything; and it +did not occur to Dora until afterwards what she had +said. It's really awfully stupid that every ordinary +word should have such a meaning. I shall be so +frightfully careful what I say now, so that I shan't +use any word with two meanings. Mad. says it's just +the same in French. We don't know whether it is the +same in English and we could never dream of asking +that awful fright, Miss Lundy. Very likely she does +not know the first thing about it anyhow. I know a +great deal more than Hella now, but I can't tell her +because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can +give her a hint to be more careful in what she says, +so as not to use any word with two meanings. That +is really my duty as a friend. + +May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had +his written matriculation exam, he wrote a postcard +every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed because +he made such silly jokes all the time that we could +not really tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully +excited because next Monday we are going to the +aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is +at the conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to +fly too. Of course we'll motor out because the railway +is not convenient. Of course Viktor will be there, +but he is motoring over with some other officers. It's +a great pity, for it would have been lovely if he'd +been in our car. By the way, I saved the class to-day, +the school inspector has been this week and examined +our class first in History and then in German, and +I was the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor +M. had told us about the Origin of Fable. The insp. +was very complimentary and afterwards Frau Doktor +M. said: its quite true one can always depend upon +Lainer; she's got a trustworthy memory. When we +were walking home she was awfully nice: "Do you +know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your +pardon." I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But +why? She said: "It seemed to me this year that you +were not taking quite so much interest in your German +lessons as you did last year; but now you've +_reinstated_ yourself in my good opinion." Afterwards +Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is not +so far wrong when I think of all that we used to +read last year so that we might know everything when +the lesson came, and when I think of what we do +this year!!! You know very well-- -- -- --. +Hella is quite right, but still one can learn in spite +of _those things_, one can't be _always_ talking about +them. And then it's quite easy to learn for such an +angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as +red as a turkey cock from pride because I could say +it all in the very words of Frau Doktor M., but it +was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up +about it, and secondly I really don't know myself how +I managed to say it all. I only felt that Frau Doktor +M. is so annoyed when no one offers to answer a question, +and so I took it on. + +May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a +hundred times. How could I be so stupid! Now +we're not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only +let us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed +he was going to stay there another fortnight. +And at dinner to-day I made a slip and said: "It is +a pity there's no room for five in our car. If Fraulein +Else were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come +with us." Dora kicked me under the table and I +tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry and +said. "Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, +children, nothing doing. I shall make your excuses +to Frau Richter directly. I'm not having any, did +not I tell you you weren't to see the fellow any more?" +Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say +anything but she did not eat any pudding or fruit, +and as soon as we were back in our room she gave +it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you +little beast, but really you are only a child whom I +never ought to have trusted, and so on. It's really +too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I envied her. +Besides it's bad for me as well as for her, for I like +him very much too, for he makes no difference between +us and treats me exactly like Dora. Of course +we are not on speaking terms now, and what infuriated +me more than anything was that she said she +grudged every word she had said to me in _this_ connection: +"Pearls before Swine." What a rude thing to +say. So I am an S. But I should like to know who +told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I'm quite sure that +I shall never talk to her again about _anything of that +sort_. Thank goodness I have a friend in Hella. +She would never say or think anything of the kind +of me. + +May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all +night; Dora cried frightfully, I heard her though she +tried to stifle it, and I cried too, for I was thinking +all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor from +thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then +I thought of something, and chance or I ought to say +luck helped me. Viktor does not walk to school with +us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have +seen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora +when she comes away at 1 o'clock. So quite early +I telephoned to him at a public telephone call office, +for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so +bad that she could not go to school so I was going +alone with Hella. I telephoned saying a friend was +ringing him up, that was when the maid answered +the telephone, and then she called him. I told him: +that whatever happened he was not to think unkindly +of me and I must see him at 1 o'clock because Dora +was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. +All through lessons I was so upset that I don't in the +least know what we did. And at 1 o'clock he was +there all right, and I told him all about it and he +was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled +_me_. That's quite different from the way Dora +behaved. I was so much upset that I nearly cried, +and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his arm +round me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away +my tears. I shall never tell Dora about that. Then +he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora because she +had such a _lot_ to bear. I don't really know _what_ she +has to bear, but still, for his sake, because it's really +worth doing it for that, after dinner I put a note +upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans of love to +you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. +At the same time his best thanks for the book. I +put the note in Heidepeter's Gabriel, which she had +lent to me to read and put it down very significantly. +When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few +times and said: "Have you seen him? Where was +it and when?" Then I told her all about it and she +was frightfully touched and said: "You really are +a good girl, only frightfully undependable." What +do you mean, undependable? She said: Yes undependable, +for one simply must not blurt out things +in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have +you finished Heidepeter's Gabriel yet? "No," I said, +"I'm not going to read anyone's book with whom +I'm angry." In the end we made it up, but of course +we did not talk any more about it and I did not say +a word about that business with the handkerchief. + +May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and +Dora are going to Frazensbad, because they both have +to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a +change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she +won't go about hanging her head like a sick chicken. +To-day Dora told me something very interesting. +Unmarried men have little books and with these they +can go to visit women "of a certain kind" in Graben +and in the Karntnerstrasse. There, Dora says, they +have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora's class +there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and +they have all to be examined every month to see if +they are healthy, and if not they can't visit these +"ladies," and that's why the Preusses can never keep +a servant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had +a certain line, so I must be fr--. But I shan't have +more than 1 or 2 children at most for the line is very +faint. When I'm studying I often think of such +things, and then I read a whole page and turn over +and have not the remotest idea what I've been reading. +It's very tiresome, for soon the other school insp. +for maths. and the other subjects is coming, and I +should not like to make a fool of myself; especially +not because perhaps the inspectors talk us over with +one another about who is clever and who stupid. + +May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I +hear such grand music I always have to keep myself +well in hand for I fear I should cry. It's very stupid, +of course, but at such times I can only think of sad +things, even if it's just a small piece. Dora can play +Brahms' Hungarian Dances, too, but that never makes +me want to cry. I only get annoyed because I can't +play them myself. I could all right, but I have not +got patience to practice long enough. I never tell +anyone that I want to cry when I am listening to +music, not even Hella, though I tell her everything, +except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a +fool of myself; at least so Dora says. I don't know +how it happened, we were talking about books at +supper, and I said: "What's the use of books, one +can't learn anything out of them; everything is quite +different from what they say in books." Then Father +got in a wax and said: "You little duffer, you can +thank your stars there are books from which you can +learn something. Anyone who can't understand a +book always says it is no good." Dora gave me a +look, but I didn't know what she meant, and I went +on: "Yes, but there's an awful lot that the encyclopedia +puts all wrong." "What have you been ferreting +in the encyclopedia for; we shall have to keep the key +of the bookcase in a safer place." Thank goodness +Dora came to my help and said: "Gretel wanted to +look up something about the age of elephants and +mammoths, but it's quite different in the encyclopedia +from what Prof. Rigl told her last year." I was +saved. Dora can act splendidly; I've noticed it before. +In the evening she rowed me, and said: "You +little goose, will you never learn caution; first that +stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! +I've helped you out of a hole once but I shan't do +it again." And then she spent all the time writing +a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just +been reading a lot of things in the encycl., about _Birth_ +and _Pregnancy_, and I on my own about abor--; we +came across the words Embyro and Foetus, and I said +nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in my handkerchief +to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. +Mad. need not be anxious even if she _really_ did get +like that. But every doctor knows about it and one +often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. knows anything +about it. We were talking about the _differences_ between +men and women, and it came out that when +Hella has her bath she is still washed by Anna who +has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would +induce me to allow that, I would not let anyone wash +me, except Mother; certainly not Dora, for I don't +want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in +the hosp. told Hella that she is developed just like +a little nymph, so lovely and symetrical. Hella says +that is nothing unusual, that every girl looks like +that, that the female body is _Nature's Work of Art_. +Of course she's read that somewhere, for it does not +really mean anything. _Nature's_ work of art; it +ought to be: a work of art made by husband and +wife!!! + +May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad +on June 6th, directly after Whitsuntide. Dora +has got another new coat and skirt, grey with blue +stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits +me very well says Hella and everyone, with white +ribbons and wild roses. There might have been a +fearful row about what's just happened. When I +went to telephone I had my Christmas umbrella with +the rose-quartz handle and I left it in the telephone +box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it there, and +as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to +the porter who brought it upstairs. Thank goodness +it occurred to me at once to say that I went into the +tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it in +the _shop_. No one noticed anything. + +May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with +Hella for the month when Mother and Dora are +away. It would be awfully nice, but I'm not going +to, for I want to stay with Father. What would he +do all alone at meal times, and whom would he have +to talk to in the evenings? Father was really quite +touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as +he can and no one else, not even Mother. So I'm +going to stay at home whatever happens. Flowers +are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowers +on the table every day, I shall go to the Market every +day to buy a little posy, so that they can always be +fresh. It would be stupid for me to go to the Brs., +why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long +time, she knows how to do everything even if Mother +is not there and everything else I can arrange. Father +won't want for anything. + +June 1st. We've had such an experience to-day! +It's awful; it's quite true then that one takes off +_every stitch_ when one is madly fond of anyone. I +never really believed it, and I'm sure Dora did not, +although Mad. hinted it to her; but _it's true_. We've +seen it _with our own eyes_. I was just sitting and +reading Storm's The Rider of the Grey Horse and +Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to +Franzensbad when Resi came and said: Fraulein +Dora, please come here a moment, I want you to +look at something! From the tone of her voice I +saw there was something up so I went too. At first +Resi would not say what it was but Dora was generous +and said: "It's all right, you can say _everything_ +before her." Then we went into Resi's room and +from behind the curtain peeped into the mezzanin. +A young _married couple_ live there!!! At least Resi +says people say they are _not_ really married, but simply +live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She +was absolutely naked lying in bed without any of the +clothes on, and he was kneeling by the bedside quite +n-- too, and he kissed her all over, _everywhere!!!_ +Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. +And then he stood up--no, I can't write it, it's +too awful, I shall never forget it. So _that's_ the way +of it, it's simply frightful. I could never have believed +it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled +so that Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried +with horror, and yet I could not help laughing too. +I was really afraid he would stifle her because he's +so big and she's so small. And Resi says he is certainly +much too big for her, and that he nearly tears +her. I don't know why he should tear her but certainly +he might have crushed her. Dora was so +terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get +her a glass of water, because she believed she was +going to faint. I had not imagined it was anything +like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or she +would never have trembled so. Still I really don't +see why she should tremble like that. There is no +reason to be frightened, one simply need not marry, +and then one need never strip off every stitch, and +oh dear, poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the +lieutenant is very tall. But just think if anyone +is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Of course +Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the +landlord had another little girl, so something _must +have happened_. No, I'm sure it's best not to marry, +for _it_ is really too awful. We did not look any more +for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to +be actually sick, so that she could hardly get back +to our room. If she had not been able to, everything +would have come out. Mother sent for the doctor +directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; +that it was a good thing she was going away +from Vienna in a few days. No girl ought to study, +it does not pay. Then he said to me: "You don't +look up to much either. What are you so hollow- +eyed for?" "I'm so frightened about Dora," I said. +"Fiddlededee," said the doctor, "that does not give +anyone black rings round the eyes." So it must be +true that one gets to look ill when one always has +to think about _such_ things. But how can one help +it, and Hella says: It's awfully interesting to have +black rings under the eyes and men _like_ it. + +We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to +Kahlenberg and Hermannskogel, but probably it +won't come off. Its 11 already and I'm fearfully +tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do +hope I Shall be able to sleep, but-- -- -- -- + +June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; +we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. After +dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the +hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all +about what we'd seen on Friday. She was simply +speechless, all the more since she had never heard +what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She +won't marry either, for it's too disagreeable, indeed +too horrid.--The doctor said too: This perpetual +learning is poisonous for young girls _in the years of +development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. +Hella is frightfully annoyed that she was not there. +She can be jolly glad, I don't want to see it a second +time, and I shall never forget it all my life long; +what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. +Then Hella went on making jokes and said: "I say, +just think if it had been Viktor." "Oh, do shut up," +I screamed, and Father thought we were quarrelling +and called out: "You two seem to be having a dispute +in the grand style." If he'd only known what +we were talking about!!! Oswald has been home +since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past +10. But he did not come on the excursion with us +yesterday, although Father would have liked him to; +he said he would find it much too dull to spend the +day with two "flappers;" that means that we're not +grown up enough for him and is a piece of infernal +cheek especially as regards Hella. She says she will +simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister +I can't very well do that, but I shan't fetch and carry +for him as he would like me to. He's no right to +insult even his sister. + +Dora has just said to me: It's horrible that one +has to endure that (you know what!!! -- -- -- --) +when one is married. Resi had told her about those +two before, and that only the Jews do it just like +_that_. She said that other people did not strip quite +naked and that perhaps it's different in some other +ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. implied that it was just +_that_ way, only she did not say anything about the +crushing; but I suppose that's because of the cruelty +of the Jews-- -- --. I'm afraid every night that +I'm going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed +about it already. She says that whenever she closes +her eyes she sees it all as if it were actually before +her. + +June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant +the other day when he was speaking about Dr. Diller +and his wife and said: "But they don't suit one +another at all." I thought at the time he only meant +that it looks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go +about with a big strong man. But that's only a +minor thing; the main point is something quite +different!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now +who go by arm in arm, thinking about them from +_that_ point of view, and it amuses us so much as we +are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. +But really it's no laughing matter, especially for the +woman. + +June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with +her to pay a farewell call at the Richter's. But there +was no one at home, that is Frau R. was certainly +at home, but said she was not because they are very +much offended with Father. In the afternoon Dora +and I had a lot of things to get, and we met Viktor, +by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they +went into the Minorite church while I went for a walk +in Kohlmarkt and Herrengasse. He is going to +America in the beginning of July, before Dora comes +home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper +stamped with his regimental arms, specially for her +to write to him on, and a locket with his portrait. +To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, +through me, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora +has been much nicer to me lately. + +June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. +Mother has never gone away from us before for +long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. Dora +cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and +I are alone now. At dinner he said to me: "My +little housewife." It was so lovely. But it's frightfully +quiet in the house, for 2 people don't talk so +much as 4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. +To-day I talked several things over with Resi. What +I think worst of all is that one saw the whole of his +behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other +day she thought it was positively infamous. Resi +said they might at least have pulled down the blind +so that nobody could see in, that's what respectable +people would do. But _respectable_ people simply +would not strip, or at least they'd cover themselves +respectably with the bedclothes. Then Resi told me +some more about the bank clerk and his wife, that is +_not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know +about it, and what excuse she makes for not living +at home. She is not a Jewess, though he is a Jew. +Resi absolutely curled up with laughing because I +said: Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ +strip though ordinarily only the wife has to strip." +But she herself said a little while ago that only Jews +do it _that way_, and to-day she laughed as if I were +talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know +exactly herself, and she cloaks it with laughter because +she's annoyed, first because _she_ does not know, and +then also I'm sure because she really began to talk +about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that +I never dream about _it_. I should like to know whether +perhaps Dora never really dreamed of it, though she +pretended she did. As for Hella saying she dreamed +of it the day before yesterday, I'm sure that was pure +invention, for she was not there at all. She says it's +a good thing she was not for if she had been she +would have burst out laughing. But I fancy if she'd +seen what we saw she would have found there was +nothing to laugh at. + +June 7th. It's frightfully dull after dinner and +in the evening before bed time, especially because +this year, since the affair at the front door, Dora +and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss +it. I wish Hella would come and stay with us for +the 4 weeks. But she does not want to. Father +had work to do to-day, so I'm quite alone and feel as +if I'd like to cry. + +June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, +Resi came to make my bed, and we talked +about the married couple opposite, and then she told +me awful things about a young married couple where +she was once. She left because they always went +into the bath together; she says she's certain that +_something happened_ there. And then she told me +about an old gentleman who made _advances_ to her; +but of course she would not have anything to do +with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he +would never have married a servant for he was a +privy councillor. Yesterday Father said: Poor little +witch, it's very lonely for you now; but look here, +Resi is no fit company for you; when your little +tongue wants to wag, come to my room. And I was +awfully stupid, I began to cry like anything and +said. "Father, please don't be angry, I'll never think +and never talk of such things any more." Father +did not know at first what I meant, but afterwards +it must have struck him, for he was so kind and gentle, +and said: "No, no, Gretel, don't corrupt your youth +with such matters, and when there's anything that +bothers you, ask Mother, but not the servants. A girl +of good family must not be too familiar with servants. +Promise me." And then, though I'm so big he took +me on his knee like a child and petted me because I +was crying so. "It's all right, little Mouse, don't +worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. Give +me a nice kiss, and then I'll come with you to your +room and stay with you till you go to sleep. Of +course I stayed awake on purpose as long as I could, +till a quarter to 11. + +And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora's +bed so that when I woke up early in the morning I +really looked across to see if he had not gone to bed +there. But of course I'd only dreamed it. + +June 12th. To-morrow there's a great school excursion; +I am so glad, a whole day with Frau Doktor +M. and without any lessons. We are going up Eisernes +Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the +Fourth did not want to go to the Anninger, but to +the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did not want to +go there. + +June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and +I spent the whole day with Frau Doktor M.; in the +afternoon Franke said: I say, why do you stick to +Frau Doktor like that? One can't get a word with +you. So then we went for a good walk through the +forest with Franke and she told us about a student +who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love +with her. For all students are in love with her, _so +she says_. We were not much interested in that, but +then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly +engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town +in Germany. Her cousin is Frau Doktor's dressmaker, +and she is quite certain of it. Her parents +are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are +frantically in love with one another and they intend +to marry. And then we asked Franke, since she is +a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, who +was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us +about the Jews. And Franke said: Oh yes, it is true +I can confirm it in every point. But it's not so bad +about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in +this matter." No doubt she's right, but it's horrible +to think that our lovely and refined Frau Doktor M +is going to have a cruel husband. Hella says that if +_she_ is satisfied, I don't need to get excited about it. +But perhaps she does not know that-- -- --. When +we came out of the wood the Herr Religionsprofessor +who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor M. called out: +"Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!" +And everybody laughed because we'd come back. +Father came to fetch Hella and me, and since it was +nearly 11 o'clock Hella stayed the night with us. It +was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry +because I could not have any more talk with Father. +When we were getting up in the morning we splashed +one another and played the fool generally, so that +we were nearly late for school. The staff was still +in high spirits, including Professor Wilke, about +whom we had not bothered ourselves all day; that is +he did not come until the afternoon when he came to +meet us on our way. We believe he is in love with +Frau Doktor M. too, for he went about with her all +the time, and it was probably on her account that +he came. None of the other professors were there, +for they were all taking their classes in the different +Gymnasiums. + +June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to +school to-day at 9 and suddenly we heard a tremendous +rattling with a sword; that is Hella heard it, +for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, +and she said: "Hullo, that's an o-- in a frightful +hurry, and looked round; "I say, there's Viktor behind +us" and he really was, he was saluting us and +he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; +you'll excuse me won't you, Fraulein Hella? He +always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice refined +kind of a man he is that he should know my friend's +name. Hella said directly: "Don't mention it, Herr +Oberleutenant, don't let me be in your way if it's +anything important," and she went over to the other +side of the street. He looked after her and said: +"What a lovely, well-mannered young lady your +friend is." Then he came back to the main point +He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an +answer to his letter, because she can't fetch it from +the post office, _poste restante_. Then he implored me +to enclose a letter from him in mine to Dora. But +since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him +it was not so simple as all that; but I knew of a +splendid way out of the difficulty; I would write to +Mother and Dora _at the same time_, so that Dora +could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not +noticing. Viktor was awfully pleased and said: +You're a genius and a first-class little schemer, and +kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the +"little." If one's is so _little_, one can't very well be a +schemer. From the other side of the street Hella +saw him kiss my hand. She says I did not try to draw +it away, but held it out to him like a grand lady and +even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of +good family do that sort of thing by instinct. It may +be so, for I certainly did not do it intentionally. +In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just the +ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora +with the enclosure, and took it to the post _myself_. + +June 16th. I've already got so used to being alone +with Father that I take it as a matter of course. We +often drive in the Prater, or go in the evening to have +supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella comes +with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora +will write. I forgot to write in my diary the other +day that I asked Viktor if he was really going to +New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything +of the kind, that had only been a false alarm +on the part of the Old Man. That's what he calls +his father. I don't think it's very nice of him, a +little vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can't +stand him. In fact Father does not like any officers +very much, except Hella's father, but then he's fairly +old already. I say, Hella mustn't read that, it would +put her in an awful wax; but her father really is at +least 4 or 5 years older than Father. + +June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don't +know what's the matter with her. We were all +frightfuly dull at school. The head took her classes +and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope +she has not got appendicitis, that would be awful. + +June 18th. _She_ isn't back yet. Frau Doktor +Steiner says she has very bad tonsillitis and won't +be able to come for at least a week. + +June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. +I'm furious. Not a word about my sisterly affection, +but only: "Many thanks for your trouble." It's +really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan't forget +this in a hurry. Hella says that she only hinted +at it like that to be on the safe side. But it's not +true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Father never +reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of +course. Yesterday was the first time I stayed away +from school since I went to the High School. Early +in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and a +headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better +as the day went on, but this morning I was worse +again. Most likely I shall have to stay at home for +2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, +but it really was not necessary. + +June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day +she wanted to begin talking once more about _various +things_, but I said I did not particularly care to hear +about such matters, and then she implored me never +to tell Mother and Father anything about what she +had said to us about the young married couple; she +said she would lose her place and she would be awfully +sorry to do that. + +June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there +might have been a frightful row; luckily Father was +out. At half past 6, when Hella and I were having a +talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone +out too to fetch something so I answered the telephone, +and it was Viktor! "I must see you to-morrow +morning early or at 1 o'clock; I waited for you _in +vain_ at 1 to-day." Of course, for I was still ill, that +is still am ill. But well or ill I must go to school +to-morrow. If Father had been at home; or even +Resi, she might have noticed something. It would +have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her +not to give me away. Hella was frightfully cheeky, +she took the receiver out of my hand and said: +"Please don't do this again, it's frightfully risky for +my friend." I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella +said he certainly deserved a lecture. + +To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall +wear my new white dress. It does look rather nice +after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I've taken +to wearing snails,"[3] Father calls them "cow-pats;" +but everyone else says it's exceedingly becoming. + + +[3] Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.--Translators' +Note. + + +June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he +came up to us and said: "Can a repentant sinner +be received back into grace?" And he gave each of +us a lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and +said: "I don't think we need make any secret before +your energetic friend." Really I did not want to +forward any more letters but I did not know how +to say so without offending him, for Dora's cheek +is not his fault, and I did not want to say anything +to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because Hella +was there. There can't be more than 2 or 3 times +more, so I shan't bother. But _Dora_ doesn't deserve +it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. She saw us together +the other day, and the next day she asked: +Where did you pick up that handsome son of Mars? +Hella retorted: "Don't use such common expressions +when you are speaking of Rita's cousin." "Oh, a +cousin, that's why he kisses her hand I suppose?" +Since then we only speak to Franke when we are +positively obliged. Not to speak to her at all would +be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak +only a little, she can't take offence. + +June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the +old one who always comes for Maths. He is so kind +and gentle that all the girls can answer everything; +we like him better than the one who comes for +languages. Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up +because he praised her. Good Lord, I've been praised +often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited. +Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I'd +been absent 4 days. Frau Doktor M. came back +to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, I don't +know why; it's such a pity that she does not let us +walk home with her, except last year when there was +all that fuss about Fraulein St.'s bead bag. She bows +to us all very politely when we salute her, but she +won't walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch +is horribly pushing and is always hanging +about on the chance. + +June 26th. It's really stupid how anxious I am +now at Communion lest the host should drop out of +my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly sick. +Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I +don't know of any, except that the accident which that +girl Lutter in the Third had made me even more +anxious that I was before. Hella says I'd better turn +Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; +for after Com. one feels so pure and so much better +than one was before. But I'm sorry to say it does not +last so long as it ought to. + +June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me +about it. He was awfully nice and said: If only +your Mother is spared to us. She is far from well. +Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with +Mother? And Father said: "Well, dear, it's a hidden +trouble, which has really been going on for a long +time and has now suddenly broken out." "Will she +have to have an operation?" "We hope we shall be +able to avoid that. But it's a terrible thing that +Mother should be so ill." Father looked so miserable +when he said this that I did my best to console him +and said: But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all +right, or why should she take them?" And Father +said: "Well, darling, we'll hope for the best." We +went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother +must take all possible care of herself, and that perhaps +in the autumn Aunt Dora would come here to +keep house. I asked Father, "Is it true that you don't +like Aunt Dora?" Father said: "Not a bit of it, +what put that idea into your head?" So I said: +"But you do like Mother much better, don't you?" +Father laughed and said: "You little goose, of course +I do, or I should have married Aunt Dora and not +Mother." I should have liked awfully to ask Father +a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss +Dora, especially in the evenings. + +July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school +to-day. Professor W., the traitor, did not come +because he had confession and communion in the +Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything +about the subject so there was no one to take his +class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor took it, he +had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. +But since the Jewish girls were there too, of course +there was no religion lesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. +had a chat with us. He asked each of us where we +were going to spend the summer, and when I said I +was going to Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ +to Rodaun! and several of the other girls chimed in: +_Only_ to Rodaun; why that's only a drive on the steam +tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally +go to Tyrol or Styria; I said so directly, and then +Franke said: Last year too, I think, you went somewhere +quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--, +and then she stopped and made as if she had never +heard of Hainfeld. Of course that was all put on, +but she's very angry because we won't speak to her +since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was +to learn what true friendship is. While I was getting +still more angry, Hella said: Rita's Mother is now in +_Franzensbad, the world-famous health resort_; she is +ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and see her at least once +a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and +said: Rodaun is a lovely place. The air there is +very fine and will certainly do your Mother a lot of +good. That's the chief thing, isn't it children? I +hope that God will spare all your parents for many +years. When the Herr Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, +whose Mother died last winter, burst out crying, and +I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. +Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because +I was annoyed because we were only going to Rodaun. +In the interval Franke said: After all, there's no +harm in going to Rodaun, that's no reason for crying. +But Hella said: "Excuse me, the Lainers can go +anywhere they please, they are so well off that many +people might envy them. Besides, her Mother and her +sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is +frightfully expensive, and in Rodaun they have rented +a house all for themselves. Rita is crying because she +is anxious about her Mother, not because of anything +you said." Of course we don't speak a word to Franke +now. Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did +not like her at all when she met her last year. Mother +has a fine instinct in such matters. + +July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but +Very Goods, except of course in ---- Natural History! +That was to be expected. What -- -- (I can't bring +myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. +Nearly all the girls who were still there brought Frau +Doktor M. and Frau Doktor St. flowers as farewell +tokens. This time, Hella and I were allowed to go +with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we +kiss her hand she always blushes, and we love doing +it. This summer holidays she is going to -- -- -- +_Germany_, of course; really Hella need not have asked; +it's obvious!!! + +July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. +We are going to meet them at the station. By +the way, I'd quite forgotten. The other day Father +hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and +when I lifted up my table napkin it fell out, and +Father said: In part payment of your outlay on +flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the +flowers did not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, +for though they were lovely ones, I only bought fresh +ones every other day. Now I shall be able to buy +Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to +the station or put them on her table. On the one +hand I'm awfully glad Mother is coming home, but +on the other hand I did like being alone with Father +for he always talked to me about everything just as +he does to Mother; that will come to an end now. + +July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I'm +especially glad about Mother; for one can see that +she is quite well again. If we had not taken the +house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, +for one can't deny it would be much nicer. Dora +looks quite a stranger. It's absurd, for one can't +alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite different; +she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. +I have had no chance yet to say anything about the +"trouble," and she has not alluded to it. In the +autumn she will have to have a special exam. for +the Sixth because she went away a month before the +end of term. Father says that is only pro forma +and that she must not take any lesson books to the +country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her +Mother and Lizzi are going first to Gastein and then +to stay with their uncle in Hungary. Life is dull +without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without +her I was simply bored sometimes in the evening, +at bedtime. Dora gives it out that in Franzensbad +people treated her as a grown-up lady. I'm sure +that's not true for anyone can see that she's a long +way from being a grown-up lady yet. + +July 11th. I can't think what's happened to Dora. +When she goes out she goes alone. She doesn't tell +me when she is going or where, and she hasn't said +a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is +back. To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train +of course, not by the steam tram. The day after +to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam +for his matriculation. He says that in every class +there are at least 1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch +in ours, he says they spoil the pitch for the +others, for, because of the swotters, the professors +expect so much more of the others and sit upon them. +This may be so in the Gymnasium, but certainly not +at the High School. For though Verb. is always +sucking up to the staff, they can't stand her; they +give her good reports, but none of them really like +her. Mother says the 13th is an unlucky day, and it +makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she +went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o'clock +Mass as usual. I never thought of praying for Oswald, +and anyhow I think he'll get through all right. + +July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he +is through, that is he has wired his favourite phrase: +Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did not worry +Mother as he did over the written exam., when he +made silly jokes all the time. He won't be home +until the 17th, for the matriculation dinner is on the +15th. Father is awfully pleased too. It's lovely here; +of course we have not really got a whole house to +ourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on +the first story; in the mezzanin a young married +woman lives, that is to say a _newly married couple!!_ +Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake +with horror and laughter combined. Resi must have +thought of it too, for she looked hard at Dora and +me when she told us. But they have a baby already, +so they are not really a newly married couple any +more. The landlord, who lives on the same floor as +us, is having a swing put up for me in the garden +for it is horrid not to have a swing in the country. + +July 16th. At last Dora has said something to +me about Viktor, but she spoke very coldly; there +must be something up; she might just as well tell +me; she really ought to seeing all that I've done. +I have not seen him since that last letter of June 27th; +that time something must have hap-- no that word +means something quite different, there must be something +up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted +with Gastein, she writes that the only thing wanting +is _me_. I can quite understand that, for what I want +here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to +ask whether we were not coming to H. this year; she +said she had such a frightful lot to tell me, and _she +wants my advice_. I shall be very glad to advise her, +but I don't know what it is about. + +July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- +But no, I must write it all out in proper order. Oswald +came home yesterday, he is in great form and said +jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he +would fall in love with her if she were not his sister. +Just before it was time to go to supper, Mother called +us in, and I was rather annoyed when I saw that it +was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper +in his hand as he often does when he comes back from +the office, and said: "Dear Oswald and you two girls, +I wanted to give you and especially Oswald a little +treat because of the matriculation." Aha, I thought, +the great prize after all! Then Father opened the +paper and said: "You have often wondered as children +why we have no title of nobility like the other +Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got +it back again for you Oswald, and also for you two +girls. Henceforward we shall call ourselves Lanier +von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles." +Oswald was simply speechless and I was the first to +pull myself together and give Father a great hug. +But first of all he said: "Do credit to the name." +Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully +long time, and then he said: Thank you, Father, I +shall always hold the name in trust, and then they +kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour +all through the evening, although Mother had ordered +roast chicken and Father had provided a bottle of +champagne. I am frightfully happy; it's so splendid +and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the +staff! I'm frantically delighted. To-morrow I must +write and tell Hella all about it. + +July 19th. I've managed it beautifully. I did not +want to write just: We are now noble, so I put it +all in the signature, simply writing Always your loving +friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi +about it first thing this morning, but Father scolded +me about that at dinner time and said it was quite +unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your +head. Nothing of the sort, but it's natural that I +should be frightfully glad and Dora too has covered +a whole sheet of paper writing her new name. Father +says it does not really make us any different from +what we were before, but that is not true, for if it were +he would not have bothered to revive the title. He +says it will make it easier for Oswald to get on, but +I'm sure there's more in it than that. Resi told the +landlord about it and in the afternoon he and his +wife called to congratulate us. + +July 20th. Oswald says he won't stay here, it's +much too dull, he is going for a walking tour through +the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to the Karawanken. +He will talk of Father as the "Old Man," and +I do think it is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely +_flippant_. + +July 24th. Hella's answer came to-day; she congratulates +me most heartily, and then goes on to write +that at first she was struck dumb and thought I'd gone +crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother had +already heard of it from her father for it had been published +in the Official Gazette. Now we are both noble, +and that is awfully nice. For I have often been +annoyed that she was noble when I was not. + +July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him +300 crowns for his walking tour, because of the matriculation. +I said: "In that case I shall matriculate +as soon as I can" and Oswald said: "For that one +wants rather more brains in one's head than you +girls have." What cheek, Frau Doktor M. passed the +Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner +passed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe +I shall show you that your sister can matriculate +too; anyhow you have always said yourself that +the chief thing you need to get through the matriculation +is cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: +"But we girls have not got cheek, we _study_ when we +have to pass an examination!" Mother wanted us +to make it up with him, but we would not. In the +evening Dora said to me: Oswald is frantically +arrogant, though he has had such a lot of Satisfactories +and has only just scraped through his exam. By the +way here's another sample of Oswald's stupidity; +directly after the wire: "Finis with Jubilation" +came another which ought to have arrived first, for +it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing +but the word "Through" [Durch]. Mother was frightfully +upset by it for she was afraid it really meant _failed_ +[durchgefallen], and that the other telegram had been +only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend +to such horseplay. Father always says Oswald +will sow all his wild oats at the university, but he said +to-day that he was not going to the university, but +would study mining, and then perhaps law. + +July 29th. It's sickeningly dull here, I simply +don't know what to do; I really can't read and swing +the whole day long, and Dora has become as dull as +she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does +she not quarrel, but she won't talk, that is she won't +talk about _certain things_. She is perfectly crazy +about the baby of the young couple in the mezzanin; +he's 10 months old, and I can't see what she sees to +please her in such a little pig; she's always carrying +him about and yesterday he made her all wet, I +wished her joy of it. It made her pretty sick, and +I hope it will cure her infatuation. + +Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that +will be a bit of a change. To-morrow we are going +to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan't want +our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that +we can get away at 2 or half past. Hella has sent me +to-day a lock-up box for letters, etc.!!! of course +filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to +tell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they +are only going to stay a month because it is frantically +expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and a bottle of beer 1 crown. +And the rolls are so small that one simply has to eat 3 +for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it's awfully +smart in the hotel, several grooms; then there are +masses of Americans and English and even a consul's +family from Sydney in Australia.--I spend most of +the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They +are called Max and Moritz, though of course one of +them is a bitch. That is really a word which one +ought not to write, for it means something, at least +in its other meaning. + + + +THIRD YEAR + +AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN + + + +THIRD YEAR + + +July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the +thirteenth. Mother gave me a clock with a luminous +dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course +that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; +embroidered collars; from Father, A Bad Boy's Diary, +which one of the nurses lent Hella when she was in +hospital; it's such a delightfully funny book, but +Father says it's stupid because no boy could have +written all that, a new racquet with a leather case, +an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis balls from +Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver +edge. Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket +of cherries, red ones, and a basket of currants and +strawberries; the strawberries are only for me for my +birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin +for winter blouses. In the afternoon we went to the +Par.-Berg. It would have been awfully jolly if only +Mother could have gone too or if Hella had been there. + +August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She +sends me many happy returns, for she thinks it is +on the 1st of August, and then comes the chief thing. +She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants +to escape from the cramping environment of her family, +she simply can't endure _the stifling atmosphere of +home_. She has been to St. P. to see the actor for +whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite +something and said she had real dramatic talent; he +would be willing to train her for the stage, but only +with her parents' consent. But of course they will +never give it. She writes that this has made her _so +nervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, +in fact she can't stand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ +am her last hope. She would like me to come to stay +with them, or still better if she could come and stay +with us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell +Mother about everything, and perhaps it might be +possible to arrange for her to live with us in Vienna +for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming +to the Raimund Theatre and she could begin her +training there. At the end of her letter she says that +it rests with my discretion and my tact to make her +the happiest creature in the world! I don't really +know what I shall be able to do. Still, I've made a +beginning; I said I found it so frightfully dull--if +only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or even Marina. +Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the +country, in Carinthia, and it's not likely that Ada will +be able to come. Father, too, is awfully sorry that +I find it so dull, and so at supper he said: Would +you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age +makes her a better companion for you than Dora. +You seemed to get on better together last year. And +then he said to Mother: Do you think it would +bother you, Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother +said, "Not a bit; if Gretel would like it; it's really +her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad, +Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our +little pet has not had anything for herself; would +you like it Gretel?" "Oh yes, Mother, I should like +it awfully, I'll write directly; it's no fun to me to +carry about that little brat the way Dora does, and +jolly as the Bad Boy's Diary is I can't read it all +day." So I am writing to Ada directly, just as if _I_ +had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall +be so frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada +really becomes a great actress, like Wolter whom +Mother is always talking of, then I shall have done +something towards helping Vienna to have a great +actress and towards making Ada the happiest creature +in the world instead of the unhappiest. + +August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything +to Ada about our having been ennobled, or as Dora +says _re-ennobled_, since the family has been noble for +generations; she will find out about it soon enough +when she comes here. Mother keeps on saying: +Don't put on such airs, especially about a thing which +we have not done anything particular to deserve. +But that's not quite fair, for unless Father had done +such splendid service in connection with the laws or +the constitution or something two years ago, sometimes +sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would +never have been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can't +see why Father and Mother should have made such a +secret about it last winter. They might just as well +have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to +give us a real surprise. And he did too; Dora's face +and the way Oswald cleared his throat!! As far as I +can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort +of a face I was making. + +August 3rd. I've found out now why Dora is so +different, that is why she is again just as she was +some time ago, before last winter. During the 4 +weeks in Fr. she has _found a real friend in Mother!_ +To-day I turned the conversation to Viktor, and all +she said at first was: Oh, I don't correspond with +him any more. And when I asked: "Have you had +a quarrel, and whose fault was it?" she said: "Oh, +no, I just _bade him farewell_." "What do you mean, +bade him farewell; but he's not really going to Amer- +ica, is he?" And then she said: "My dear _Rita_, +we had better clear this matter up; I parted from him +upon the well-justified wish of our _dear Mother_." +I must say that though I'm _awfully, awfully_ fond of +Mother, I really can't imagine having her as a _friend_. +How can one have a true friendship with one's own +mother? Dora really can't have the least idea _what_ a +_true friendship_ means. There are some things it's +impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, +I could not possibly ask her: Do you know what, +_something has happened_, really means? Besides, I'm +not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 +or 15 or 16, people may have used quite different +expressions, and the modern phrases very likely did not +then mean what they mean now. And what sort of a +friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You +must not go out now, the storm may break at any +moment, and just the other evening: Dora you _must_ +take your shawl with you. Friendship between +mother and daughter is just as impossible as friendship +between father and son. For between friends +there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what's +even more important is that one really can't talk about +all the things that one would like to talk of. All I +said last night was: "Of course Mother has forbidden +you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call +that a friendship? Then she said very gently: "No, +Rita, Mother has not forbidden me, but I recognise +now that it was thoughtless of me to talk to you about +those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite +soon enough." I burst out laughing and said: "Is +_that_ what you call the seriousness of life? Have you +really forgotten how screamingly funny we found it +all? It seemed to me that your memory has been +affected by the mud baths." She did not answer that. +I do hope Ada will come. For _I_ need _her_ now just +as much as _she_ needs _me_. + +August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada's coming, but +not directly because they begin their family washing +on the 5th and no one can be spared to come over +with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing +I'm sorry about is that _she_ will sleep in the dressing- +room and not Dora. But Mother says that Dora and +I must stay together and that Ada can leave the door +into the dining-room open so that she won't feel lonely. + +August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. +Dora is as mild and gentle as a nun, but she talks +to me just as little as a nun, and she's eternally with +Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some +one in Neulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. +Thank goodness Ada is coming to-morrow. Father +and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. + +August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada +is more than a head taller than I am; Father said: +Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I +suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady +now? And Ada said: Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; +please treat me just as you used to; I +am so happy to have come to stay with you." And +her mother said: Yes, unfortunately she is happy +anywhere but at home; "_that is the way with young +people to-day_." Father helped Ada out and said: +Frau Haslinger, the sap of life was rising in us once, +but it's so long ago that we have forgotten." And +then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if +she were suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm +and said under her breath: Can you imagine what +my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the night +here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about +everything under the sun (that's what Ada told me +just before we went to bed); but I did not pay much +attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I'm positively +burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to +talk to me about. To-morrow morning, directly after +breakfast! + +August 12th. For 3 days I've had no time to +write, Ada and I have had such a lot to say to one +another. She _can't_ and _won't_ live any longer without +art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. She +still has to spend a year at a continuation school +and must then either take the French course for the +state examination or else the needlecraft course. +But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in +her spare time she can study for the stage under Herr +G. She says she is not in love with him any longer, +that he is only a _means to an end_. She would sacrifice +_anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understand +what she meant by anything, but she explained +to me. She has read Bartsch's novel Elisabeth Kott, +the book Mother has too, and a lot of other novels +about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, +that _a woman cannot become a true artist until she +has experienced a great love_. There may be something +in it. For certainly a _great love_ does make one +_different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was +madly in love with Viktor, and the way she's relapsed +now!! She is learning Latin again, to make up for +lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her plans +because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she +mentioned before Dora that whatever happened she +wanted to come to Vienna in the autumn so that +she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: +You are making a mistake, even people who live in +Vienna don't go to the theatre often; for first of all +one has very little time to spare, and secondly one +often can't get a seat; people who live in the country +often fancy that everything is much nicer in Vienna +than it really is. + +August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when +Ada was having a bath Mother said to _us two_: "Girls, +I've something to tell you; I don't want you to get +a fright in the night. Ada's mother told me that +Ada is very nervous, and often walks in her sleep." +"I say," said I, "that's frightfully interesting, she +must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it always happens +when the moon is full." Then Mother said: "Tell +me, Gretel, how do you know about all these things? +Has Ada talked to you about them?" "No," said I, +"but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep +and Berta Franke told Hella and me about it." It +has just struck me that Mother said: how do you +know about all _these_ things? So it must have something +to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask +Ada, or whether she would be offended. I'm frightfully +curious to see whether she will walk in her sleep +while she is staying here. + +August 15th. Hella's answer came to-day to what +I had written her about the _friendship_ between +Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believe +either that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, +for it is no reason at all. Lizzi has never had any +particular friendship with her mother, and Hella +could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinks +I'm perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one's +parents, but there simply can't be any question of +a friendship. She would not stand it if I were so +changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can +never have had a true friendship, and that is why +she has taken up with Mother now. The Bruckners +are coming back on the 19th because everything is so +frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most +likely they will go to stay with their uncle in Hungary, +or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. For Hella's name +day I have sent her A Bad Boy's Diary because she +wanted to read it again. Now we have both got it, +and can write to one another which are the best bits +so that we can read them at the same time. + +August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in +her sleep_, probably we should never have noticed it, +but she began to recite Joan of Arc's speech from +The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once +and said: "I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her +sleep." We did not stir, and she went into the dining- +room, but the dining-room door was locked and the +key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, +and then she knocked up against Mother's sofa and +that woke her up. It was horrible. And then she +lost her way and came into our room instead of going +into her own; but she was already awake and begged +our pardon and said she'd been looking for the W. +Then she went back to her own room. Dora said we +had better pretend that we had not noticed it, for +otherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after +breakfast she said: "I suppose I gave you an awful +fright last night; don't be vexed with me, I often +get up and walk about at night, I simply can't stay +in bed. Mother says I always recite when I am +walking like that; do I? Did I say anything?" +"Yes," I said, "you recited Joan of Arc's speech." +"Did I really," said she, "that is because they won't +let me go on the stage; I'm certain I shall go off my +head; if I do, you will know the real reason at any +rate." This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, +but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, +and it's perfectly true what Dora has always said: +One never knows what Ada is really looking at. It +would be awful if she were really to go off her head. +I've just remembered that her mother was once in an +asylum. I do hope she won't go mad while she is +staying here. + +August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before +last. She is so glad that she had warned us, and +Dora says that if she had not known it beforehand +she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. +Father said: "Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has +inherited it from her mother." In the autumn Lizzi +is going to England to finish her education and will +stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and +sorry as I am for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, +and I'm really glad that she's going home again on +Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day: +Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because +he was once an officer in the army; she says +that all officers have venereal disease, as a matter of +course. At first I did not want to show that I did not +understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked +her and Ada told me that what was really amiss was +that _that_ part of the body either gets continually +smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or else +gets continually larger because it is so frightfully +swollen; the last kind is much better than the other, +for then an operation can help; a retired colonel who +lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for _this_; but +it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for +a man with a venereal disease, that a young girl should +_give herself_ to a man suffering from it! (Mad. often +said that too), then she gets the disease and he is +cured. That made Ada understand that she did not +really love A., but only wanted him to train her; for +she could never have done that for him, and she did +not know how she could propose _that_ to him even _if_ +she had been willing to. Besides, it is generally the +man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I +said: "But just imagine, what would you do if you +got a baby that way," and she said: "That does not +come into the question, for when a man has venereal +disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But +after all, only a woman who has had a baby can become +a true artist." Franke, who has a cousin on +the stage said something of the same sort to Hella +and me; but we thought, Franke's cousin is only in +the Wiener Theatre, and that might be true there; but +it may be quite different in the Burg Theatre and in +the Opera and even in the People's Theatre. I told +Ada about this, and she said: Oh, well, I'm only a +girl from the provinces, but I have known for ages +that _every_ actress has a child. + +23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read +us a passage from a splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, +even Dora said: "Ada, you are really phenominal!" +Then she flung the book away and wept +and sobbed frightfully and said: "My parents are +sinning against their own flesh and blood; but they +will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy +woman foretold of me last year: "A _great_ but _short_ +career after many difficult struggles; and my line of +life is broken!" That will all happen as predicted, +and my mother can recite that lovely poem of Freiligrath's +or Anastasius Grun's, or whosever it is "Love +as long as thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. +The hour draws on, the hour draws on, when thou +shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan." +Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to +bed I kept on thinking of it and could not go to sleep. + +August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about +the sleep-walking, and she said that it was really so, +when she walked in her sleep it was always at _that +time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it was +last year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten +her mother, when her mother had first told her she +would not be allowed to go on the stage. It does not +seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely to +gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone +is coming to fetch her home, and for that reason +she was crying all the morning. + +August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her +mother and Lizzi. Hella had a splendid time in +Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with +me, to tell me something important. That made it +rather inconvenient that Ada was still there. Hella +never gets on with Ada, and she says too that one +never really knows what she is looking at, she always +looks right through one. We could not get a +_single minute_ alone together for a talk. I do hope +Hella will be able to come over once more before she +goes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn +in Tyrol because an old friend of her mother's from +Berlin is staying there. + +August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father +came to fetch her. He says she has a screw loose, +because she wants to go on the stage. + +August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was +alone and I met her at the steam tram. At first she +did not want to tell me what the important thing was +because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she +got it out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since +Hella knows Lisel because they used to go to gym. +together, they had a talk, and that cheeky Robert said: +Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time +in er . . . er . . ., and then he pretended he could +not remember where it was; and he spoke of _that time_ +as if it had been 10 years ago. But the most impudent +thing of all was this; he said that I had not +wanted to call him Bob, because that always made me +think of a certain part of the body; I never said anything +of the kind, but only that I thought Bob silly +and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got +intimate): "Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer +that you should use my full name." I remember it as +well as if it had happened this morning, and I know +exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. +Hella took him up sharply: That may be all quite +true, we have never discussed such trifles, and, at that +time we were "all, _every one of us_, still nothing but +children." Of course she meant to include ----. I +won't even write his name. Another thing that made +me frightfully angry is that he said: I dare say your +friend is more like you now, but at that time she was +still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: +"That's not the sort of phrase that it's seemly to use +to a young lady," and she would not speak to him any +more. I never heard of such a thing, what business is +it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks +that I was not quite particular enough in my choice +of companions. She says that Bob is still nothing but +a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, Bob-- +Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; +that is if we ever speak of him at all. When we don't +like some one we shall call him simply Bob, or better +still B., for we really find it disagreeable to say Bob. + +August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, +Hella has gone to Hungary, and I hardly ever talk +to Dora, at least about anything _interesting_. Ada's +letters are full of nothing but my promises about +Vienna. It's really too absurd, I never promised any- +thing, I merely said I would speak to Mother about +it when I had a chance. I have done so already, but +Mother said: There can be no question of anything +of the kind. + +September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella's +father is going to take me to K-- M--in Hungary +to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted. Hella +is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her +father said: She can ask for anything she likes. +But she did not think of anything in particular, and +had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up +this wish. And after she had been here she wrote to +her father in Cracow, where he is at manoeuvres, +saying that if he would like to grant her her chief +wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to +take me with him to K-- M--; this was really the +_greatest wish_ she had ever had in her life! So Colonel +Bruckner called at Father's office to-day and showed +him Hella's letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the +State Railway terminus. Unfortunately that's a horrid +railway. The Western Railway is much nicer, and +I like the Southern Railway better still. + +September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I'm going +to Vienna alone and I have to change at Liesing, I +do hope I shall get into the right train. I got a letter +from Hella first thing this morning, in which she +wrote: "Perhaps we shall be together again in a few +days." That's all she said about that; I suppose she +did not know yet whether I was really coming. Mother +will have to send my white blouses after me, because +all but one are dirty. I'm going to wear my coat +and skirt and the pink blouse. I'm going to take +twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for +I'm going to write whatever happens, in the mornings +I expect, because in the holidays I'm sure Hella +will never get up before 9; on Sundays in Vienna she +would always like to lie in bed late, but her father +won't let her. + +But whatever happens I won't learn to ride, for it +must be awful to tumble off before a strange man. +It was different for Hella, for Jeno, Lajos, and +Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode +close beside her with his arm round her waist: but +that would not quite do in my case. + +September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like +Jeno best, he goes about with me everywhere and +shows me everything; Hella is fondest of Lajos and +of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, +for he was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year +Lajos will be a lieutenant, and this autumn Jeno is +going to the military academy, Erno has a slight limp, +nothing bad, but he can't go into the army; he is +going to be a civil engineer, not here, he is to go to +America some day. + +I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have +gone to S. on their cycles and I have never learned. + +It was lovely on the journey! It's so splendid to +travel with an officer, and still more when he is a +colonel. All the stationmasters saluted him and the +guards could not do enough to show their respect. +Of course everyone thought I was his daughter, for +he has always said "Du" to me since I was quite +a little girl. But to Ada Father always says "Sie." +We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever +it is called, and Hella's father hired a carriage and +it took us 2 hours to drive to K-- M--. He was +awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it +was only half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters +tumbling over each other to serve him. It s just +the same with Father, except that the stationmasters +don't all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished +too, but he is not in uniform. + +Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von +Kraics came yesterday from Radufalva, his best friend +left him the Radufalva estate out of gratitude, because +8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the +friend was in love. It's true, Colonel Bruckner says +that K. is a wretched milksop; but I don't think so +at all; he has such fiery eyes, and looks a real Hungarian +nobleman. Hella says that he used to run +himself frantically into debt, because every six months +he had an _intimacy_ with some new woman; and all +the presents he gave _reduced him almost to beggary_. +Still, it's difficult to believe that, for however fond a +woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not +quite see why that should reduce anyone to beggary. +Before we went to sleep last night Hella told me that +Lajos had already been "infected" more or less; she +says there is not an officer who has not got venereal +disease and that is really what makes them so frightfully +interesting. Then I told her what Ada had told +me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said: I doubt +if that's all true; of course it is more likely since he +was an actor, and especially since he was in the army +at one time, but generally speaking civilians are +_wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she could not stand that in +her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically; +that's a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, +and she would never marry a man who had not _lived_. +Most girls, especially when they get a little older; +want the very opposite! and then it suddenly occurred +to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why +Dora _bade farewell_ to _Lieutenant R_., and not the +_friendship with Mother_; it is really awfully funny, +and no one would have thought it of her. Hella's +father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. +Hella's uncle hardly ever says anything, and when he +does speak he is difficult to understand; Hella's father +says that his sister-in-law wears the breeches. That +would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. +"But not too much so" says Hella. She always gets +cross when her father says that about wearing breeches. +I got an awful start yesterday; we went out on the +veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found +Hella's great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. +She told me about him once, that he's quite off his +head, not really paralysed but only pretends to be. +Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when +she was only 9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her +a thrashing. But her uncle came in, and then he let +her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she is +awfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his +room, and he has a male attendant, because no nurse +can manage him. He ought really to be in an asylum +but there is no high class asylum in Hungary. + +September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus +this morning; the great uncle, the people here call +him "kutya mog" or however they spell it, and it +means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. +He can walk with a stick, our room is on the ground +floor, and he came and planted himself in front of +the window when Hella was washing and I was just +getting out of bed. Then Hella's father came and +made a tremendous row and the uncle swore horribly +in Hungarian. Before dinner we overheard Hella's +father say to Aunt Olga: "They would be dainty +morsels for that old swine, those innocent children." +We did laugh so, _we_ and _innocent children!!!_ +What our fathers really think of us; we innocent!!! +At dinner we did not dare look at one another or +we should have exploded. Afterwards Hella said to +me: I say, do you know that we have the same name +day?" And when I said: "What do you mean, it +seems to me you must have gone dotty this morning," +she laughed like anything and said: "Don't you see, +December 27th, Holy Innocents' Day!" Oh it did +tickle me. She knew that date although she's a +Protestant because December 27th is Marina's birthday, +and in our letters we used to speak of that deceitful +cat as "The Innocent." + +The three boys and I have begun to use "Du" to +one another, at supper yesterday Hella's father said +to Erno: "You seem frightfully ceremonious still, +can't you make up your minds to drop the "Sie?" +So we clinked glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and +I were standing at the window admiring the moon, +he said: You Margot, that was not a real pledge of +good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; +hurry up, before anyone comes, and before I could +say No he had given me a kiss. After all it was all +right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with +Lajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, +or Ilonka as they call her here. + +Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing +one another, and Lajos said: "Look Ilonka, they +are setting us a good example." We are so awfully +happy here. It's such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and +Lajos have got to leave for the Academy, where +Jeno is to enter and Lajos is in his third year: Erno, +the least interesting of the three, is staying till October. +But that is always the way of life, beautiful +things pass and the dull ones remain. We go out +boating every day, yesterday and to-day by moonlight. +The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we +are always terrified that it will upset. And then they +say: "You have your fate in your own hands; buy +your freedom and you will be as safe as in Abraham's +bosom." + +September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since +what happened the other day; whenever he sees us +he threatens us with his stick, and though we are +not really afraid, because he can't do anything to us, +still it's rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of +things, stories and sagas one has read. That is the +only thing I don't quite like here. But we are leaving +on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often +come to see the Bruckners; I'm awfully glad. I +don't know why, I always fancied that they could +only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though +they always speak it at home when they are alone. +Hella told me to-day for the first time that all the +flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday in hospital +had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell +me at that time because he wished her to keep it a +secret. This has made me rather angry, for I see +that I have been much franker with her than she has +been with me. + +September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we +stayed up till midnight last night. We had been to +N-- K--, I don't know how to spell these Hungarian +names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It +was lovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially +as it is raining as well. It's the first time it's +rained since I came. Partings are horrid, especially +for the ones left behind; the others are going to new +scenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything +is hatefully dull and quiet. In the afternoon +Hella and I went into Jeno's and Lajos' room, it had +not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. +Then Hella suddenly began sobbing violently, and +she flung herself on Lajos' bed and kissed the pillow. +_That_ is how she loves him! I'm sure _that_ is the way +Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable +of _such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and +intimate friendship with Mother_. Hella says she has +always been in love with Lajos, but that _her eyes were +first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me going about +together and talking to one another. Now she will +love Lajos for evermore. Next year they will probably +get engaged, she can't be engaged till she is 14 for her +parents would not allow it. It is for her sake that +he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars +best. They all _live frightfully hard_, and are +tremendously smart. + +September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back +In Vienna, and Father, Mother, and Dora came back +from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too funny; +since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep +Dora is afraid she has been _infected_. She does not +seem to know what the word really means! And while +I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept +in our room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. +Of course no one takes to walking in their sleep simply +from sleeping alone, but that was only a pretext; Dora +has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather a +coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If +Father had been afraid too, I suppose I should have +had to come back post-haste, and if I had been afraid +to travel alone, and there had been no one to come with +me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I +told them so. Father laughed like anything at my +"_combinations_," and Dora got in a frightful wax. +She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_ +she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love +enobles [veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about +that when he heard Hella say it once. He said: +You've made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say: +Love makes fools of people [vereseltl. Of course +that's because he's not in love with anyone. + +September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau +Doktor M. is perfectly fascinating, she looks splendid +and she said the same to both of us. Thank goodness +she's the head of our class again. In French we have +a new mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly +hideous, covered with pimples, a thing I simply can't +stand in any one; Hella says we must be careful never +to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch +them. In Maths and Physics we have another new +mistress, she is a Doktor too, and she speaks so fast +that none of us can understand her; but she looks +frightfully clever, although she is very small. We +call her "_Nutling_" because she has such a tiny little +head and such lovely light-brown eyes. Otherwise the +staff is the same as last year, and there are a few new +girls and some have left, but only ones we did not +know intimately. This is Franke's last year at the +Lyz., she will be 16 in April and has a splendid figure. +Her worst enemy must admit that. Dora is having +English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfully +pleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and +it will help her too in her matriculation. + +September 25th. Yesterday and the day before +Mother was so ill that the doctor had to be sent for +at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she is better +now. But on such days I simply can't write a word +in my diary; I feel as if I oughtn't to. And the days +seem everlasting, for nobody talks much, and it's awful +at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, lying on +the sofa. + +September 29th. I've had such an awful toothache +since the day before yesterday. Dora says it's only +an ache for a gold filling like Frau Doktor M.'s. Of +course that's absurd; for first of all, surely I ought +to know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and +secondly the dentist says that the tooth really is decayed. +I have to go every other day and I can't say +I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such +a frightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is +really very nice, if one could only understand better +what she says, but she talks at such a rate that in the +Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. +Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, +not even an endearing one. The only one that could +possibly be given to her is Angel, and that could not +be a real name, it's quite unmeaning. In the drawing +class we are going to draw from still life, and, best +of all, animal studies too, I am so delighted. + +October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were +coming home from the Imperial Festival, we met +Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see +us. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking +with 3 other officers whom neither I nor Hella know. +We were frightfully angry because he did not recognise +us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were +both wearing our big new autumn hats, which shade +our faces very much. + +October 11th. There was a frightful row in the +drawing lesson to-day. Borovsky had written a note +to one of her friends: The little Jewess, F. (that +means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia +with her horsehair pate with or without inhabitants." +Something of that sort was what she had +written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, +Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment +and seized the note. "Who is F.?", she asked, but +no one answered. That made her furious and she put +the note in her pocket. At 1 o'clock, when the lesson +was over, Borovsky went up to her and asked her for +the note. Then she asked once more: "Who is F.?" +And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help +Borovsky out, said: "She forgot to write Frau Doktor +Fuchs." Then the row began. I can't write it all +down, it would take too long; of course Borovsky will +be expelled. She cried like anything and begged and +prayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein +Scholl says she is going to give the letter to the head. + +October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up +with a chill, so Frl. Scholl gave the note to Frau +Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good because +Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, +and bad because Frau Doktor M. was frightfully +angry. She gave us a fine lecture about True Good +Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was +not mixed up in the business, for she did give Borovsky +and Fellner a rating. It's probably true, then, +that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that _she_ +above all should be going to have a cruel husband; +at least if all that Resi told us is true; and I expect +there is some truth in it. We are frightfully curious +to know whether the Nutling has heard anything +about it and if so what she will do. + +October 13th. I don't think the Nutling can have +heard anything for she seemed just as usual; but +Hella thinks and so do I that she would not show +anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow +it was horridly vulgar; one is not likely to pass it +on to the person concerned. Why we think she does +not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner +were called up. + +October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought +Dora's handkerchiefs with her monogram and the +coronet, lovely; I want some like them for Christmas. +And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, +these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the +coronet upon everything. By the way, here is something +I'd forgotten to write: In one of the first days +of term Father gave each of us one of his new visiting +cards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau +Doktor M. and Dora hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to +have the names properly entered in the class lists. +Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau +Doktor M. was awfully sweet. She said: "Well, +Lainer, I suppose you are greatly pleased at this rise +in rank?" And I said: "Oh yes, I'm awfully delighted, +but only inside," then she said: That's right; +"Religion, name, and money do not make the man." +Was not that charming! I write the v before my name +awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. +What a shame that she is not noble! _She_ would be +worthy of it!! + +October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, +he is to study mining, but _against_ Father's will. But +Father says that no one must be forced into a profession, +for if he is he will always say throughout life +that he only became this or that on compulsion. The +other evening Dora said that Oswald had only chosen +mining in order to get away from home; if he were to +study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get +away from Vienna, and that is the chief thing to him. +Besides, he is a bit of a humbug; for when he came +home from Graz after matriculation he said in so many +words: "How delightful to have one's legs under one's +own table again and to breathe the _family atmosphere_." +Dora promptly said to him: "Hm, you don't seem +to care so very much about home, for always when +you come home for the holidays the first thing you +do is to make plans for getting away." For she is +annoyed too that Oswald can travel about wherever +he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being +"_subjected to intolerable supervision"!!_ What about +us? He can stay out until 10 at night and _never_ +comes to afternoon tea, and in fact does just what he +likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just ever +so little late, there's a fine row. As for the lectures +poor Dora had to endure when Viktor was waiting for +her, I shall never forget them. Of course she denies +it all now, but I was present at some of them so I +know; otherwise he would not have called me "the +Guardian Angel." She behaves now as if she had +forgotten all about that, so I often remind her of it +on purpose when we are alone together. The other +day she said: "I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don't +speak any more of that matter; I have buried the +affair for ever." And when I said: "Buried, what +do you mean? A true love can't simply be _buried_ +like that," she said: "It was not a true love, and that's +all there is to say about it." + +October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in +the arithmetic lesson to-day. All of a sudden Hella +flushed dark red and I thought to myself: Aha, that's +it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has +it begun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me +directly, she will be 14 in February and _it_ will +certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said: Lainer, +what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came +up to the desk and took the black-line paper. "What +does that mean: Has it begun???" Perhaps she +really did not know what I meant, but several of the +girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in +a terrible fright. But Hella was simply splendid. +"Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked whether the +frost had begun yet." "And that's the way you spend +your time in the mathematics lesson?" But thank +goodness that made things all right. Only in the +interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably +stupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write +a thing like that for? _When_ it begins, _of course_ +she will let me know directly. As a matter of fact it +has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it will +be better to say "Endt," a sort of portmanteau word +of _developed_ [entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That +will really be splendid and Hella says that I happened +upon it in a lucid interval. It's really rather cheeky +of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one's +friend. She absolutely insists that I must never again +put her in such a fix in class. Of course it happened +because I am always thinking: Now then, this is the +day. + +November 8th. On Father's and Dora's birthday +Mother was so ill that we did not keep it at all. I +was in a terrible fright that Mother was seriously +ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won't even +think it; one simply must not write it down even +if one is not superstitious. Aunt Dora came last week +to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating, +for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse +just when we are away. As soon as she is able to +get up for long enough Father is going to take her to +see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it must +be true that Mother's illness comes from _that_. + +November 16th. Oh it's horrible, Mother has to +have an operation; I'm so miserable that I can't +write. + +November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she +wants us to go skating to take our thoughts off the +operation. But Dora says too that it would be brutal +to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation +in a few days. Father said to us yesterday +evening: "Pull yourselves together children, set your +teeth and don't make things harder for your poor +Mother." But I can't help it, I cry whenever I look +at Mother. + +November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since +Mother went away; we had to go to school and we +believed she would not leave until the afternoon, but +the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that +Father had arranged all that because I could not control +myself. Well, who could? Dora cries all day; +and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. + +November 28th. Thank goodness, it's all safely +over, Mother will be home again in a fortnight. I'm +so happy and only now can I realise how _horribly_ +anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother +at the hospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always +go all together, that is either with Father or with +Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does go to see +Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day +about the flowers, she behaves as if Mother were only +_her_ mother. On Thursday, the first time we saw +Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, although +the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunately +yesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we +were, and Father said that seeing so many people +at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must +go away. Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma +and Marina had better go away, but Aunt did not +understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt +come? We hardly ever meet since the trouble about +Marina and that jackanapes Erwin; only when there +is a family party; Oswald says it's not a family +gathering but a family dispersal because nearly always +some one takes offence. + +November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ +with Mother. At school I said I had an awfully bad +headache and asked if I might go home before the +French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother +was that Frau Doktor Dunker was ill, so we had no +lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies to an invalid, +but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella's mother always +calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, +because Frau Doktor Dunker has nothing to do with +the Fourth, so Dora won't hear anything about it. +Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able to see +_me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora +does go alone. Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara +said she was a perfect angel in goodness and patience. +Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe me. +At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything +about it, but when we were putting on our things +after dinner to go and see Mother I said en passant +as it were: "This is the second time I shall be seeing +Mother to-day." And when Dora said: What do +you mean? I said quite curtly: "One of our lessons +did not come off, and so I took the chance _too_ of being +able to see Mother _alone_." Then she said: Did the +porter let you in without any trouble? It surprises +me very much that such _very_ young girls, who are +almost children still, are allowed to go in alone. +Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: "Oh +well, nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both +of you_ can go alone to the hospital all right." On the +way we did not speak to one another. + +December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took +Mother a big flower pot, and tied to the stick was a +label on which Father had written; "Being ill is +punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense +of Section 7 the Mothers' and Housewives' Act." Mother +was frightfully amused. The doctor says she is going +on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in +a few days. + +December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the +evening when we were leaving the dining-room Father +said: "Gretl you have forgotten something. And +when I came back he took me by the hand and said: +"Why didn't you tell me that you want so much to +see Mother _alone_? You need not make such a secret +of it." And then I burst out crying and said: "Yes, +I need not keep it secret from you, but I don't like +Dora to know all about it. Did she tell you what +happened the other day?" But Father does not know +anything about my pretended headache, but only that +I wanted so much to see Mother alone. He was +awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying: +"You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you +always will be." But I got away as quick as I could, +for I felt so ashamed because of my fibbing. If it +were not for Dora I'm sure I should never tell any +lies. + +December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went +to see Mother in the morning, and Aunt and Dora +went in the afternoon. And since Father had to go +into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a +friend, I went on alone to see Mother and he came in +afterwards. Mother asked me about my Christmas +wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she +should get well and live for ever. I was awfully glad +that Dora was not there, for I could never have got +that out before her. Still, she made me tell her my +wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs +with "monogram and coronet," visiting cards with _von_, +a satchel like that which most of the girls in the _higher_ +classes have, and the novel Elizabeth Kott. But I am +not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified and +said: My darling child, that's not the sort of book for +you; who on earth put that into your head; Ada, I +suppose? From what I know of your tastes, it really +would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, +but I'm certain I should not find the book stupid. + +December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; +we did not know what time she was coming, but only +that it was to be to-day. And because I was so glad +that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three +songs, and Mother said: That is a good omen when +one is greeted with a song. Then Dora was annoyed +because _she_ had not thought of singing. We had +decorated the whole house with flowers. + +December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for +Mother and Dora is making her a footstool so that +she can sit quite comfortably when she is reading. +For Father we have bought a new brief bag because +his own is so shabby that it makes us quite ashamed; +but he always says: "It will do for a good while yet." +For a long time I did not know what to get for Aunt +Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace +fichu; for she is awfully fond of lace. I am giving +Hella a sketch book and a pencil case; she draws +beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora +I am getting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette +case with a horse's head on it, for he is frightfully +taken up with racing and the turf. + +December 16th. Owing to Mother's illness I've +had simply no time to write anything about the school, +although there has been a _great deal_ to write about, +for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again, +although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most +of the girls can't bear the Nutling because she makes +such favourites of the Jewish girls. It's quite true +that she does, for example Franke, who is never any +good, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and +Physics; and she lets Weinberger do anything she +likes. I always get Excellent both for school work +and prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but +Berbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is +no longer the favourite as she was with Frau Doktor +St. The other day it was quite unpleasant in the +Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happened +to be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would +be as a decimal fraction; so we went on talking about +recurring [periodic] decimals and every time she used +the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, but luckily +some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage +and simply screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St's +lesson in the First, some of the girls giggled at the +same thing and she went on just as if she had not +noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic +places_, and then one does not think of the real meaning +so much. Frau Doktor F. said she should complain +to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly behaviour. +But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella +and I simply exchanged glances and understood one +another at once. I can't endure that idiotic giggling. + +December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he's +fine. It's quite true that he has really had a moustache +for a long time, but was not allowed to grow it at the +Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes +every Saturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He +always says that at the Gymnasium everything manly +is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not a man +and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a +splendid moustache now. Hella did not recognise +him at first and drew back in alarm, she only knew +him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned +it up, and find that she has not seen him since the +Easter before last. At first he called her Fraulein, +but her mother said: Don't be silly. It did not seem +silly to me, but most polite!!! + +December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald +is home again and he really is awfully nice; he is +giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron group representing +a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground +some roe deer as if in a pasture. + +December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother +was very well yesterday, and it has not done her any +harm to stay up so long. I am so happy. We both +got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, +they have been made out of some earrings which +Mother never wears now. But the nice thing about +it is that they are made from her earrings. The satchel +and Stifter's Tales are awfully nice and so are the +handkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. +Hella gave me a reticule with my monogram and the +coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora and me +small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze +groups. We really need two writing tables, but there +is no room for two. So I am going to arrange the +little corner table as my writing table and have all +my things there. + +December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it +was really awful. Hella's mother is perfectly right; +when anyone looks like _that_ she ought not to pay +visits when she knows that other people may be there. +Hella told me the day before yesterday how frightfully +noticeable it is in her cousin that she is in an i-- c--! +Her mother was very much put out on her account +and she wanted to prevent Emmy's standing up. We +were simply disgusted and horrified. But her husband +is awfully gentle with her; She is certainly not pretty +and especially the puffiness under her eyes is horrid. +They say that many women look like that when they +are pr. She was wearing a _maternity dress_, and that +gives the whole show away! Hella says that some +women look awfully pretty when they are in an +i-- c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I +shall be one of the first kind, if I ever . . . No, it +is really horrible, even if it makes one pretty; when I +think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like +last summer, yet Father has always said she is a +a perfect beauty. Really no one is pretty in an +i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to +her room, and she said it had really been too much +for her and that she could not have stood it much +longer. And we went on talking about it for such a +long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. +On Sunday Emmy and her husband are coming to +dine with the Brs., and Hella begged me to ask her to +dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of +course she is coming here and thank goodness that +will save her from feeling ill. And then she said that +I must not think she wanted to come to us because of +Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understand +that perfectly well, and she does not need to make any +excuses to me. + +29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing +a new dress, a light strawberry colour, and it suited +her admirably. In the evening Oswald said: "two +or three years more, and Hella will look ripping." +It does annoy me so this continual _will_. Hella's +father simply said of me that I _was_ charming,, and not +that idiotic: I _was going to become_ charming. I do +hate the way people always talk out into the future. +However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. +In the afternoon, when Hella and I were talking about +him, I wanted to turn the conversation to Lajos, but +she flushed up and said he was utterly false, for since +October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, +just when they were going to the theatre. Of +course he says he does not care a jot about the visits +unless he can see her alone. She can't realise that +that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it +perfectly. But it is really monstrous that Jeno has +asked after me only once, quite casually. And he +really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But +that's what young men are like. The proverb really +applies to them: Out of sight out of mind. + +December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but +only in the morning for a quarter of an hour. Not +a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in +the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in +an appearance, though I'm sure she was at home. +He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has the same +lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well- +cut lips; but he is very tall and she is quite small +half a head shorter than Mother. We owe them a +call, but I don't much think that we shall go. + +December 31st. I really have no time, since this is +New Year's Eve, but I simply _must_ write. Dora and +I went skating this morning, and we met Viktor on +the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke +to us; Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her +and said that she must allow him to have a talk, so +he came skating with us since she would not go to +a confectioner's with him. She was certainly quite +right not to go to a confectioner's. Of course I don't +know what they talked about, but in the afternoon +Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye +to me; it's impossible that he can have forgotten, so +either I must have been too far away at the time, or +else Dora did not want him to; most likely the latter. +I'm frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately +in love with her. But she won't come to her senses +until it is too late. I don't think she has said a word +to Mother either. But all the afternoon she was playing +melancholy music, and that shows how much she +had felt it. + +January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write +because we had callers, pretty dull for the most part, +the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. is such a +stupid creature, and I don't believe she knows the +first thing about _those matters_; Annie is not quite +all there, Lotte is the only tolerable one. Still, since +we played round games for prizes, it was not as dull +as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite +nice boys. In the evening Mother was so tired out +that Father said he really must put a stop to all this +calling; I can't say I care much myself for _that_ sort +of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about +_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull +books whenever they have nothing else to say. School +began again to-day, with a German lesson thank goodness. +Though I'm not superstitious in general, I must +say I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing +in the morning we met two chimneysweeps, and without +our having tried to arrange it in any way they +passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck. + +January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday +evening -- -- -- --! She did not come to school +yesterday, for the day before she felt frightfully bad, +and her mother really began to think she was going +to have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of +that!!! She looks so ill and interesting, I spent the +whole afternoon and evening with her; and at first +she did not want to tell me what was the matter. +But when I said I should go away if she did not tell +me, she said: "All right, but you must not make +such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look +at me." "Very well," I said, "I won't look, but tell +me everything about it." So then she told me that she +had felt frantically bad, as if she was being cut in +two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, +and then she had frantically high fever and shivered +at the same time, all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- +tableau!! And then her mother told her the chief +things, though she knew them already. Earlier on +Friday the doctor had said: "Don't let us be in a +hurry to think about a relapse, there may be _other!!_ +causes." And then he whispered to her mother, +but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew +directly what time of day it was. She acted the innocent +to her mother, as if she knew nothing at all, and +her mother kissed her and said, now you are not a +child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. +How absurd, so _I_ am still a child! After all, on July +30th I shall be 14 too, and at least one month before I +shall have it too, so I shan't be a _child_ for more than +six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, +but she is really a little puffed up about it; she won't +admit that she is, but I noticed it quite clearly. The +only girl I know who did not put on airs when that +happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is +awfully shy, and before her father too. But her +mother has promised her not to tell him. If only one +can trust her!!! + +January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite +of everything_. I kept on looking at her, and in the +interval she said: "I have told you already that you +must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is +the second time I've had to speak to you about it. +One must not make a joke about such things." I was +not going to stand that. One must not look at her; +very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from +her; then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with +hers so that I nearly burst out laughing, and she said: +"Do look round, for that way is even stupider." Of +course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she +told Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly +that she felt very unwell, and that what she had said +to me was, she would have to go home at 12. All +the girls looked at one another, for they all know what +_unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella +had better leave directly, but she answered in French +--that pleases Dunker awfully--that she would +rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply +splendid! + +January 12th. We went to the People's Theatre +to-day to the matinee of The Fourth Commandment. +The parting from the grandmother was lovely; almost +everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying +because Dora was only two places from me, and +so did Hella, probably for the same reason. Anyway +she was not paying much attention to the play for in +the main interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, +came up and said how d'you do to Hella and her +mother. He wanted to go home with them after the +performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of +illness and if I had it I should never admit it. Those +illnesses in which one is swelled up are the nastiest +of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have +been invited to the Brs. and of course they asked me +too, I am so glad. + +January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, +we have such a frantic lot of work, especially in +French in which we are very backward, at least +Dunker says so!! She can't stand Madame Arnau, +that's obvious. For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a +great deal better, if only because she had no pimples. +And Prof. Jordan's History class is awfully difficult, +because he always makes one find out the causes +for oneself; one has to learn _intelligently!_, but that +is very difficult in History. No one ever gets an +Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, +but she learns out of a book, not our class book, but +the one on which Herr Prof. J. bases his lectures. +And because she reads it all up beforehand, naturally +she always knows all the causes of the war and the +_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something +quite different, and so Hella and I never dare look +at one another when he is examining us and asks: +What were the consequences of this event? Of +course the Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was +laughing at _him_ when she was only laughing at +_consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain, +especially to a gentleman!!!! + +January 20th. When Dora and I were coming +home from skating to-day we met Mademoiselle, and +I said how d'you do to her at once, and I was asking +her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when +suddenly I noticed that Dora had gone on, and +Mademoiselle said: "Your sister seems in a great +hurry, I don't want to detain her." When I caught +Dora up and asked her: "Why did you run away?" +she tossed her head and said: "That sort of company +does not suit me." "What on earth do you mean, +you were so awfully fond of Mad., and besides she +is really lovely." That's true enough, she said; but +it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all that-- +you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents' +backs _cannot possibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got +in such a fearful temper and said: "Oh do shut up. +Father and Mother did not know anything about +Viktor either, and you were happy enough then. It +is just the secrecy that makes one so happy." Then +she said very softly: "Dear Grete, you too will +change your views," and then we did not say another +word. But I was awfully angry over her meanness; +for first of all she wanted to hear the whole story, +although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she +pretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew +where to find Mad. I would warn her. Anyhow, this +day week at 7 I shall take care to be in W. Street, +and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has +a private lesson somewhere in that neighborhood. + +January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, +_in spite of_ the operation. I have decided that I +won't go on Sunday to the Brs. although Jeno will +be there, and that I won't wait about for Mademoiselle +on Monday. I have not told Hella anything about +this for she would probably say it was very stupid +of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora +has twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear +conscience_, but because I don't enjoy anything when +Mother is ill. + +January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she +asked Aunt Dora: "By the way, Dora, has Grete put +a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready for the +Brs. to-morrow?" Then I said: "I'm not going +Mother," and Mother asked: "But why not, surely +not on my account?" Then I rushed up to her and +said: "I can't enjoy anything when you are ill." +And then Mother was so awfully sweet, and she wept +and said: "_Such moments_ make one forget all pains +and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I'm +a good deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be +quite well again." So I answered: "All right, I'll go, +but only if you are _really_ well. But you must tell +me _honestly_." But in any case I shan't go to meet +Mademoiselle on Monday. + +January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at +school, so I could not write yesterday. We had a +heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides +ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. +Lajos is enough to give one fits; it was absolutely +ripping the way he imitated the wife of Major Zoltan +in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly +write about it, for my hand shakes so with laughing +when I think of it. And then, while Hella and Lajos +were singing songs together, Jeno told me that every +student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. +Mostly in Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt +though that is dangerous because of being caught. +All the officers know about it, but no one must be +found out. Then I told him about Oswald's affair +and he said: "Oswald was a great donkey, you'll +excuse me for saying so since he's your brother; but +really he made a fool of himself. He was only a +civilian; it's quite different in the army." Then I got +cross and said: "That's all very well, Jeno, but you +are not an officer yourself, so I don't see how you can +know anything about it." Then he said to Hella: +"I say, Ilonka, you must keep your friend in better +order, she is rather inclined to be insubordinate." +She is to make a written note of every act of +_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ +punishment. All very fine, but it will take two to that. + +January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle +really passed through W. Street again at 7 o'clock +on Monday, for she certainly said very distinctly: +"Au revoir, ma cherie!" She is so pretty and so pale; +perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous +about -- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder +whether she knows about certain means, but one +simply can't tell her. + +February 2nd. I've had a wonderful idea and +Hella thinks it a positive inspiration. We are going +to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about those +means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise +my writing. We think something of that sort +must have happened to Mademoiselle, for the other +day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: "If we had +known that, we should never have engaged her for +the children; it will be a terrible thing for her parents." +And Aunt Dora said: "Yes, those are the sort of +people who hide their disgrace under the water." It +seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ +child. And the worst of it is, that they know that she +has done _that_. We must help the poor thing. And +_that_ is why Dora is so indignant all of a sudden. But +how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in +Mademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly +have seen it, for Hella often says I've a keen eye for +it. That is quite true, I was the first person to notice +it in the maid at Prof. Hofer's, when even Father had +not noticed it. + +February 4th. Well, we nave written to her, at +least Hella has, saying there are _such_ means, and that +she will find all the details in the encyclopedia. We +have addressed it to F. M. and signed it "Someone +who understands you." Unfortunately we shall never +be able to find out whether she got the letter, but the +main thing is that she _should_. + +February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a +letter can give one! In the interval to-day the school +servant came up to me and said: Please are you +Fraulein Lainer of the Third. "There is a letter for +you." I blushed furiously, for I thought, it must +be from Mademoiselle, but my blushing made Frau +Berger think it must be from a young man: "Really +I ought to give it to the head mistress; I am not +allowed to deliver any letters to the pupils, but in +your case I will make an exception. But please remember +if it happens again I shall have to hand it +in to the office." Then I said: "Frau Berger, I am +quite certain it is not from a gentleman, but from a +young lady," and when she gave it to me I saw directly +that it really was not from a gentleman but only from +Ada! It really is too stupid of her! At the New +Year she reproached me for having broken my word, +and now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund +Theatre or at the People's Theatre whether Herr G. +is there; she says she can't live without him in St. P. +But in the holidays she told me that she was not +in love with him, that for her he was only _a means +to an end_. I'm absolutely certain she said that. +Nothing will induce me to go to enquire at a theatre +_office_, and Hella says too that to make _such_ a suggestion +is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her an +ordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have +got me into at school. I really think Ada has a bee +in her bonnet, as Father always says. + +February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! +I was sent for to the office to-day because the school +servant had complained that on two occasions I had +thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It's +quite true that I did drop one piece there yesterday, +but I pushed it out of the way with my foot into the +corner, and as for any other time I know nothing +about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. +Frau Berger thought I would give her some money +for that letter; just fancy, how absurd, money for a +letter like that, I wouldn't give 20 kreuzer for such +a letter. But since then she's been in a frightfully +bad temper, I noticed it on Wednesday when we were +wiping our shoes at the door. What I said to the +head was: It happened only once, and I kicked the +peel into the corner where no one could tread on it, +but I certainly did not do it twice, and Bruckner can +confirm what I say." Then the head said: "Oh +well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the +next time you drop something, please pick it up." +Frau Berger is furious, and all we girls in our class +have decided that while we won't make more mess +than we need, still, we shan't be too particular. If +any one of us happens to drop a piece of paper she will +just let it lie. Such cheek, one really can't stand it! + +February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have +not got any Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and +Excellent. Father and Mother are awfully pleased +and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed +Dora has practically nothing but Excellents, only +three Praiseworthies; but she studies frantically hard, +and she is learning Latin again with Frau Doktor M. +If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, +I shall go too, for that way we shall have her for +3 hours longer each week. By the way, Franke has +actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics, +though she's hardly any good. The Nutling seems to +give extraordinarily good reports, for twice in the +Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an Unsatisfactory, +and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. +With Frau Doktor M. one has really to deserve one's +report, and it was just the same last year with Fr. +Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr Prof. Jordan. +Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except +that deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. +are giving a great birthday party because of Hella's +14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are coming and the +two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them, +especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older +than Kitty, for they are _twins!!_ How awful!!! +They only came to the Lyz this year, and Hella meets +them skating every day, I don't because we have no +season tickets this year but only take day tickets when +we can go, because of Mother's illness. I am giving +Hella an electric torch with a very powerful reflector, +so that it really lights up the whole room, and an +amber necklace. + +February 14th. It's a good thing that we have +the half-term holiday to-day and to-morrow for that +gives me time to write all about yesterday. It was +simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many +happy returns quite early, and I stayed to dinner +and Lajos and Jeno had been invited to dinner too +in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought +a box of sweets, and 3 of Hella's girl cousins and two +boys, one of whom is frightfully stupid and never +speaks a word, and several aunts and other ladies, +for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did +not bother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi's +room, and Hella's room had been arranged for us. +Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers that +they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos +proposed a toast to Hella and another at tea. Hella +was splendid, and in the evening she said to me: "At +14 one really does become a different being." For +in proposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 +years a human being is completely changed, and Hella +thinks that is perfectly true. Thank goodness, _in 6 1/2 +months I shall change my whole being too_. There +really did seem to be something different about her, +and when we all had to blow to extinguish the candles +on her birthday cake, all except the life-light in the +middle, as a sign that the other years have passed, +she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in +joke or through awkwardness some one would blow +out her life-light. Thank goodness it was all right. +I don't much care for such things myself, for I'm +always afraid that something might happen. Of +course I know that it's only a superstition, but it +would have been horribly unpleasant if anyone had +blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella +an enormous _square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a +silver ring with a heart pendant. He wanted her +to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_ one--the +_wedding_ ring. But she can't because of her parents, +so she begged me to allow her to say that I had given +it her, but that would not do either because of Father +and Mother. _These_ things are such a nuisance, and +that is why no young man will ever go on living at +home where one is continually being questioned about +everything one has, and does, and wears. After tea +we sang: "Had I but stayed on my lonely Hearth" +and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, +and in the evening we danced while Hella's Father +played for us; and then Elwira, the tall cousin, +danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. +I've never known such a birthday party as yesterday's. +It's only possible in winter; you can never have anything +like it on my birthday, July 30th, for the people +one is fondest of are never all together at that time. +Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday +months, but always sometime between the end of Sep- +tember and June. I do wish I were 14, I simply +can't wait. Hella's mother said to Hella, You are +not a child any longer, but a grown-up; I do wish +I were too!!! + +February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All +the girls and all the staff are delighted with her. She +is so small she might be only 10, but awfully pretty. +She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don't +agree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown +eyes, a lovely mouth, and a complexion like milk and +roses. She is the daughter of a bank manager in +Hamburg; he shot himself, I don't know why. Of +course she is in mourning and it suits her wonderfully. +She has a strong North German accent. Frau Doktor +Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is +awfully fond of her too. + +February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day +with Anneliese. She is called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. +Her mother has been so frightfully upset by her +father's death that she'll probably have to be sent to a +sanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna +to stay with her uncle. He is a professor and they +live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora thinks her +charming too, the whole school is in love with her, +she is going to gym. with us; I am so glad. Of +course she won't stand near Hella and me because +she's so small; but we can always keep an eye on her, +show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. +Hella is a trifle jealous and says: "It seems to me +that Anneliese has quite taken my place in your +affections." I said that was not a bit true, but did she +not think Anneliese awfully loveable? "Yes," said +Hella, "but one must not neglect old friends on that +account." "I certainly shan't do anything of the +kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will +show her everything and explain everything." Besides, +the head mistress and Frau Doktor M. placed +her in front of me and said to us: "Give her a +helping hand." + +February 20th. It's such a pity that I can't ask +Anneliese here, for Mother has been in bed for the +last week. But she is going to Hella's on Sunday, +and since I am going too of course I am frightfully +glad. Naturally I would much rather have her here; +but unfortunately it's impossible because of Mother. +Dora thinks that Mother will have to have another +operation, but I don't believe it, for _such_ an operation +can only be done _once_. What I can't understand +is why there should be anything wrong with Mother +if the operation was successful. Dora is afraid that +Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I +don't believe she has, because if one has cancer one +can't recover. + +February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! +Anneliese did not come until 4, for they don't have +dinner until 3. She wore a white embroidered frock +with black silk ribbons. Hella's mother kissed her +with tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in +a sanatorium because is suffering from _nervous_ +disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle and aunt. +But she often cries because of her father and mother. +Still, she enjoyed herself immensely in the round +games, winning all the best prizes, a pocket comb +and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a negro +with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen- +wiper, a double vase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, +and a note book, Hella won a lot of things too, and so +did her two cousins and Jenny. + +Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the +Wacht am Rhein and a lot of folk songs; her voice is +as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I stayed till 8. + +March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in +vised to Anneliese's. I am so awfully glad. I shall +ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse +and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature +went up to 54 degrees to-day. + +March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese's. +She shares a room with her cousin; she is only 11 +and goes to the middle school, but she is a nice girl +I expected to find everything frightfully smart at +Professor Arndt's, but it was not so at all. They +have only 3 rooms not particularly well furnished. +He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their granddaughter, +she lives with them because her father is +in Galicia, a captain or major I think. It was not +so amusing as at Hella's. We played games without +prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for +the sake of the prizes, but what's the use of playing +if one does not win anything? Then they read aloud +to us out of a story book. But what Hella and I +found exasperating was that Anneliese's uncle said +"Du" to us both. For Hella is 14, and I shall be +14 in a few months. But Hella was quite right; in +conversation she said: "At the High School only +the mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to +say Sie." Unfortunately he went away soon after, +so we don't know whether he took the hint. Hella +says too that it was not particularly entertaining. + +March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; +of course Father has not told us so, but she has to +have another operation. Dora has cried her eyes out +and my knees are trembling. She's going to hospital +on Friday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday +and will stay here till Mother is well again. I do +so dread the operation, and still more Mother's going +away. It's horrible, but still lots of people have +cancer and don't die of it. + +March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. +Oh I am so glad! Everything is so quiet +in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the +passages. Mother said: "I don't want to stay here +any longer, let me go back to my children." We +went to see Mother in hospital every day and took +her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed +to eat anything during the first few days after the +operation. But it's quite different now that she's +home again. I should have liked to stay away from +school to-day, but Mother said: "No, children, go +to school, do it to please me." So of course we went, +but I simply could not attend to my lessons. + +March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks +frightfully ill and still has a lot of pain. I'm sure the +doctors can't really understand her case; for if they +had operated properly she would not still have pain +after the _second_ operation. I should like to know +_what_ Mother has been talking to Dora about, for they +both cried. Although Dora and I are on good terms +now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised +Mother not to speak about it. I can't believe that +Mother has told Dora a _secret_, but perhaps it was +something about marrying. For Dora only said: +"Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, +for my mind was quite made up in any case." I do +hate such hints, it's better to say nothing at all. As +soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia +for a change, and most likely Dora will go with her. + +March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia +next week. Dora thinks I envy her the journey, +and she said: "I would _willingly_ renounce the jour- +ney and the seaside if only Mother would get well +And this year when I have to matriculate, I certainly +should not go for pleasure." I'm so awfully miserable +that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair, +though red suits me best. I generally wear a black +one now, but since yesterday a brown one, for Mother +said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up that black ribbon; +it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all. Of +course I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so +I took the brown one and said the red ribbon was +quite worn out. + +April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so +gloomy at home for Mother is very bad. Oswald is +coming home to-morrow for the Easter holidays and +Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was +to have gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, +for this year they are probably going to take a house +for the summer in Mitterbach or Mitterberg near +Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don't +feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased +that I should not; for she said: "So I shall have all +my three darlings together here at Easter." When +she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out +of the room so that she might not see me. But she +must have seen, for after dinner she said: "Gretel, +if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners, I should +like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little +pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the +winter." And then I could not stop myself, and I +burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, I won't go +on any account. All I want is that you should get +quite well again." And then Mother cried too and +said: Darling, I'm afraid I shall never be quite well +again, but I should like to stay until you are all grown +up; after that you won't need me so much." Then +Dora came in and when she saw that Mother was +crying she said that Father had sent for me. He +hadn't really but in the evening she told me that +Mother's illness was hopeless, but that I must not do +anything to upset her or let her see what I was feeling. +And then we both cried a lot and promised +one another that we would always stay with Father. + +May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday +after Easter. We are all so awfully unhappy. Hardly +anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father speaks +to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay +here for good. It's not three weeks yet since Mother +was buried, but in one way we feel as if she had already +been dead three years, and in another way one +is always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to +ask her something or tell her something. And when +we go to bed we talk about her for such a long time, +and then I dream about her all night. Why should +people die? Or at least only quite old people, who +no longer have anyone to care about it. But a mother +and a father ought never to die. The night after +Mother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with +them, but I preferred to stay at home; but late in +the evening I did not dare to go into the hall alone, +so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door +into the drawing-room, where Mother was laid out, +but all the same it was awfully creepy. They did +not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; +I should have so liked to see her once more. Good +God, why should one die? If only I had been called +Berta after her; but she did not wish that either of +us should be called after her, nor did Father wish +it in Oswald's case. + +May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing +made me frightfully angry with Dora, at least not +really angry but hurt, that _she_ should have gone into +church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ +have always gone with Father and Dora has always +gone with Mother. And while poor Mother was in +hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral +Father went with her, and I had to go with Aunt +Dora. A few days later I spoke to her about it, and +she said it was quite natural because she is the elder. +She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, +that that would have been the proper thing. But he +went alone. Another thing that annoys me is this; +when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and +I sat on the same side of the table at dinner and +supper, and Aunt sat opposite Mother, and when +Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. +After she died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and +now for about a week Dora has been sitting in +Mother's place. I can't understand how Father can +allow it! + +May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. +For we had breast of veal, and we had had +the same thing on the day of poor Mother's funeral, +and when the joint was brought in I happened to +look at Dora and saw that she was quite red and was +sobbing frightfully. Then I could not contain myself +any more and said: "I can't eat any breast of veal, +for on Mother's burial day -- -- --," then I could +not say any more, and Father stood up and came +round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out +crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that +we should never have breast of veal again. For tea, +Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we had eaten +hardly anything at dinner. + +May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora's written +matriculation. Father wanted her to withdraw +because she looks so ill, but she would not for she +said it would be a distraction for her and that she +would like to finish with the High School. Next +year she is to go to a preparatory school for the Gymnasium. +She ought really to go to a dancing class, +for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is +quite impossible and of course she does not want to +go anyhow. The head thought too that Dora would +withdraw from the examination because she is so +overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The +staff were so awfully sweet to us after Mother's death, +at least the women teachers were. The professors +don't bother themselves about our private concerns, +for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau +Doktor Steiner, from whom we don't have any lessons +this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw plainly +that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. +was an angel as she always is! We did not go to the +spring festival on May 20th, though Father said we +could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were +awfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, +and indeed I shall never go to any more amusements. +No doubt the others enjoyed themselves immensely, +but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. +In the evenings I often fancy to myself that it is not +really true, that Mother has simply gone to Franzensbad +and will be back soon. And then I cry until my +head aches or until Dora says: "Oh Gretel, I do wish +you'd stop, it's awful." She often cries herself, I +can hear her quite well, but _I_ never say anything. + +June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother's death +as _a sign of God's displeasure against Father!_ But +what could _we_ have done to prevent it? She said, +Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have +done, and above all we had secrets from Mother. +That is why God has punished us. It's horrible, and +now that she is always speaking of the eye of God +and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid +to go into a dark room, because I always feel there is +some one there who is eying me and wants to seize +me. + +June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; +yesterday evening, when I opened the drawing-room +door and there was Father coming out, quite unintentionally +I gave a yell, and when Father asked +what was the matter I told him about God's displeasure; +only I did not tell him it was against him, but +only against Dora and me. And then Father was +frightfully angry for the first time since Mother's +death, and he told Dora she was not to upset me with +her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora nearly had an +attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent +for. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both +had to take bromide. To-day Father was awfully +kind to us and said: "Girls, you've no reason to reproach +yourselves, you have always been good children, +and I hope you always will be good." Yes, I +will be, for Mother's eye watches over us. Hella +thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day +whether perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I +would not talk about such things any more, that it +would be an offence to my Mother's memory. She +wanted to say something more, but I said: "No, +Hella, I simply won't talk about _that_ any more. You +can't understand, because your mother is still alive." + +June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want +to think any more about _such_ things, there comes an +affair of that very sort! I'm in a frightful mess +through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a +girl from the Second came in to our Mathematic les- +son and said: "The head mistress wishes to see +Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office directly. +All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. +When we came into the office, the door of the head's +room was shut and Fraulein N. told us to wait. Then +the head came out and called me in. Inside a lady +was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. +"Do you spend much time with Zerkwitz?" asked the +head. Yes, said I, and I had a foreboding. "This +lady is Zerkwitz's mother, she complains that you +talk about very improper things with her daughter; +is it so?" "Hella and I never wanted to tell her +anything; but she begged us to again and again, and +besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and +only pretended she didn't." "_What_ did you think +she knew, and what did you talk to her about?" broke +in Anneliese's mother. "Excuse me," said the head, +"I will examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned +in the matter too?" "Very seldom," said I; "Yes, the +chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose mother died +recently_." Then I choked down my tears, and said: +"We should never have said a word about these matters +unless Anneliese had kept on at us." After that +I would not answer any more questions. Then Hella +was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew +what was up directly she saw my face. "What have +you been talking about to Zerkwitz?" Hella would +not say at first, but then she said in as few words as +possible: "About getting babies, and about being +married!" "Gracious goodness, such little brats, and +to talk about _such_ things," said Anneliese's mother. +"Such corrupt minds." "We did not believe that +Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never +have told her anything," said Hella just as I had; +she was simply splendid. "As regards Alfred, we +have nothing to do with that, and we have often advised +her not to allow him to meet her coming home +from school; but she would not listen to us." "I am +talking about your conversations with which you have +corrupted the poor innocent child," said Frau von +Zerkwitz. "She certainly must have known something +about it before, or she would not have gone +with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us," said +Hella. "Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such +corruptness of mind!" Then we were sent out of +the room. Outside, Hella cried frightfully, and so +did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at +home. We could not go back into the Mathematic +lesson because we had been crying such a lot. In the +interval Hella walked past Anneliese and said out +loud: "Traitress!!" and spat at her. For that she +was ordered out of the ranks. I stepped out of the +ranks too, and when Frau Professor Kreindl said: +"Not you, Lainer, you go on," I said: "Excuse me, +I spat at her _too_," and went and stood beside Hella. +All the girls looked at us. It was plain that Frau +Prof. Kreindl knew all about it already for she did +not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 +to 12 Frau Doktor M. said: "Girls, why can't you +keep the peace together? This continual misconduct +is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble +for you and for your parents and for us." Just +before 12 Hella and I were summoned to the head's +room again. "Girls," she said, "it's a horrible +business this. Even if your own imaginations have been +prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt +others? As for you, Lainer, you ought to be especially +ashamed of yourself that such complaints +should be made of you when your mother has been +buried only a few weeks." "Excuse me," said Hella, +"all this happened in the spring, and even earlier, +in the winter, for we were still skating at the time. +Rita's mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz +was continually pestering us to tell her. I often +warned Rita, and said: "Don't trust her," but she +was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau +Direktorin, don't say anything about it to Rita's +father, for he would be frightfully upset." + +Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. +She does not want me to write that; we are writing +together. Hella thinks we must write it all down +word for word, for one never can tell what use it +may be. No one ever had a friend like Hella, and she +is so brave and clever. "You are just as clever," +she says, "but you get so easily overawed, and besides +you are still quite nervous because of your mother's +death. I only hope your father won't hear anything +about it." That stupid idiot dug up the old story +about the two students on the ice, a thing that was +over and done with ages ago. "You should never +trust anyone," says Hella, and she's perfectly right. +I never could have believed Anneliese would be such +a sneak. We don't know yet what was up with +Franke. As she came in she put her finger to her +lips, meaning of course "Betray nothing!" + +June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I +was at the blackboard in the Maths lesson, when there +was a knock at the door and the head came in with +the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come +about _that matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at +least the girls say I did; Hella says I looked like +Niobe mourning for her children). Thank goodness, +the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do +sums; in Maths and French I am the best in the class. +But the Herr Insp. saw that I had tears in my eyes +and said something to the head; then the head said: +"She has recently lost her mother." Then the Herr +Insp. praised me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs +begin to howl. The head said: "It's all right L., sit +down," and stroked my hair. She is so awfully +sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. +will say a word for me at the Staff Meeting. And +I do hope that Father won't hear anything of it, for +of course he would reproach me dreadfully because +it all comes so soon after Mother's death. But really +it all happened long before that. The way it all +happened was that Hella's mother went away to see +Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first +baby_. And then it was that we told the "innocent +child" (that's what we call the deceitful cat) everything. +Hella still thinks that the "innocent child" +was a humbug. That is quite likely, for after all +she is nearly fourteen; and at 14 one must _surely_ +know a great deal already; it's impossible that at that +age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, +as Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks +that I shall soon be "developed" too, because I always +have such black rings under my eyes. I overheard +Frau von Zerkwitz say, "Little brats;" but Hella +says that the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards +Hella was in fits of laughter over the expression +"little brats" for her mother always says +about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern +with such matters. Good Lord, when is one to +learn all about it if one does not know when one is +nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I +learned these things _very early_, and it has not done +us any harm. Hella's mother always says that if one +learns such things too early one gets to look old; but +of course that's nonsense. But why do mothers not +want us to know? I suppose they're just ashamed. + +June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone +to bed, Dora said: "What were you really talking +about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head +called me into the office to-day and told me that you +had been talking of improper matters. She said I +must watch over you in _Mother's place!_" Well that +would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when +Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what +children are talking of together. Dora thinks that I +shall have a written Reprimand from the Staff Meeting. +I should hate that because of Father; that would +mean another fearful row; although Father is really +awfully sweet now; I have not had a single rowing +since Mother first got ill. It's quite true that death +makes people gentle, but why? Really one would +have thought people would get disagreeable, because +they've been so much distressed. Last week the +tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I +should like to go alone to the cemetery once at least, +for one does not like to weep before the others. + +June 18th. The "innocent child" does not come to +gym. any longer, at least she has not been since _that +affair_. We think she's afraid, although we should +not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent +contempt_, she'll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And +thank goodness she does not come to play tennis. +I do hate people who are _deceitful_, for one never +knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright +cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear +out, don't tell such a frightful whacker; I was not +born yesterday. But one has no safeguard against +_deceitfulness_. That's why I don't like cats. We have +another name for the "innocent child," we call her +the "red cat." I think she knows. Day after tomorrow +is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so +excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. + +June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was +to come and fetch me. But she overslept herself, +so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had waited +for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. +Dora would not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by +electric car. At a quarter to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and +just before the ship weighed anchor (I believe one +ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but +it does not matter, I'm not Marina who knows _everything_ +about the navy), that is just at the right moment, +we arrived. They all stared at us when we +came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I +got out of the car, it was stupid; but I don't think +they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that for this one +day we had better put off our mourning, and Father +said so too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks +and Aunt Dora was awfully good and had made us +black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they +say that people wear mourning like that in America. +I do love America, the land of liberty. Boys (that +is young students) and girls go to school _together_ +there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat +we sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; +Hella was on the right and I was on the left, and we +sat so close that she said: "Girls, you're squashing +me, or at least you're crushing my dress!" She was +wearing a white frock and had a coral necklace which +suited her simply splendidly. When we were near +Hainburg Hella's hat fell into the Danube, and all +the girls screamed because they thought a child had +fallen overboard. But thank goodness it was only +the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a +lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except +Frau Doktor M. because she was so lovely; Professor +Wilke was with us, and he went about with her all +the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, +perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be +horrid. Hella thinks that is quite out of the question +because of the German professor; at any rate it would +be better for her to marry Professor W. than the +other, because he is said to be a Jew. "Still, with +regard to all the things that hang upon marriage, it's +the same with every man," said I. "That's just the +chief point, you little goose," said Hella. And Frau +Doktor M. said: "Do you allow your chum to talk +to you like that? What is the chief point?" I was +just going to say: "We _can't_ tell you _that_," when +Hella interrupted me and said: "Just because I'm +her chum I can talk to her like that; she would not +let anyone else do it." Then we went to dinner. +Unfortunately we did not sit next "_her_." We had veal +cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the +Herr Religionsprof. went by he said: "How many +weeks have you been fasting?" Before dinner we +went to the museum to see the things they had dug +up in the Roman camp. The head mistress and +Fraulein V. explained everything. It was most +instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch- +Altenburg. It was great fun at tea. Then we had +games and all the staff joined in, the Fifth had got +up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits +of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a +whole troop of officers of the flying corps, frightfully +smart, and one of them sat down at the piano and +began to play dance music. Another came up to the +head and begged her to allow the "young ladies" to +dance. The head did not want to at first, but all the +girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, and the +Herr Rel. Prof. said: "Oh, Frau Direktorin, let +them have the innocent pleasure," and so they really +were allowed to dance. The rest of us either danced +with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella +and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid +lieutenant and said: "May I venture to separate the +two friends for a little dance?" "If you please," +said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a +lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant +danced with Hella and in the evening on the way +home she said that the lieutenant had really wanted +to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with +my "If you please" and had placed my hand on his +shoulder. Of course that's not true, but it is not a +thing one would quarrel about with one's best friend, +and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately +we were not able to dance very long because +we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost forgotten, a +captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor +M., for they know one another. She blushed furiously; +so he is probably the man she will marry, and +not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor. +He would please me a great deal better. They were +all so awfully smart! Before we left a lieutenant +brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the officers +gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I +mean. Then something awfully funny happened. +There is a girl in the Sixth who looks quite old, as if +she might be 24, and "our" lieutenant offered her a rose +too. And then she said: "No thank you, I am not +one of the staff, I'm in the Sixth." Everyone burst +out laughing, and she was quite abashed because the +lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And +the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: "Tschapperl, you +might just as well have taken it." But really she +was quite right to refuse. I think there must have +been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the +lieutenant that she was a colonel's daughter. I wonder +if we shall ever see him again. + +I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora +told me yesterday that when I was dancing with the +lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to the Frau Direktorin: +"Do just look at that young Lainer; little +rogue, see what eyes she's making." Making eyes, +forsooth! I did not make eyes, besides, what does +it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did +not shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have +fallen down, and then everyone would have laughed. +And I don't like being laughed at. I hardly saw +Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. +She said very cuttingly: "Of course not, for after all +we _are_ in mourning, even if we did wear white dresses; +you are only a child, for whom that sort of thing +does not matter." _That sort of thing_, as if I had done +something dreadful! I don't love Mother any the +less, and I don't forget her. Father was quite different; +the day before yesterday evening he said: "So +my little witch has made a conquest; you're beginning +early. But it's no good taking up with an officer, +little witch, they're too expensive." But I would like +to have the lieutenant, I would go up with him in +an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. +In the religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. +came in he laughed like anything and said: "Hullo, +Lainer, is the world still spinning round you? The +Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since." +So I suppose he knows him. Still, I'm quite sure +that he has not lost his sleep on my account, though +very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name +is, perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would +suit him admirably! + +June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday +Aunt Alma came with Marina and that jackanapes +Erwin who was really responsible for all the row that +time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. +I don't think Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she +her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora are not particularly +fond of one another. It is so in most families, +the father does not care much for the mother's brothers +and sisters and vice versa. I wonder why? I wonder +whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he has, and what +she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown +hair or fair hair or black hair best. But about the +visit! Of course Marina and I were _very_ standoffish. +She is so frightfully conceited because she goes to the +Training College. As if that were something magnificent! +The High School is much more important, +for from the High School one goes on to the university, +but not from the Training College; and they don't +learn English, nor French properly, for it is only +optional. Aunt Alma knows that it annoys Father +when anyone says we don't look well, so she said: +"Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness +it's nearly over, and she won't get much out of it after +all, it's really better for a girl to become a teacher." +Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me: "Do you +dare me to spit on the carpet?" "You are ill-bred +enough to do it; I can't think why Marina, the future +schoolmistress, does not give you a good smacking," +said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: "What's the +matter children? What game are you playing?" "It's +not a game at all; Erwin wants to spit on the carpet +and he seems to think that would be all right." Then +Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled +a long nose at me behind Father's back, but I simply +ignored it; little pig, and yet he's my cousin! Kamillo +is supposed to have been just as impudent as Bub. But +we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as +an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not +suit Marina at all; there's a provincial look about her +and she can't shake it off. Her clothes are too long +and she has not got a trace of b--, although she was +17 last September; she is disgustingly thin. + +June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to- +day, in French this time. Frau Doktor Dunker is +always frightfully excited by his visits, and at the +beginning of the lesson she said: "Girls, the Inspector +is coming to-day; pull yourselves together; please +don't leave me in the lurch." So it must be true +what Oswald always says that the inspectors come +to inspect the teachers and not the pupils. "At the +inspection," Oswald often says, "every pupil has the +professor in his hands." Being first, of course I was +called upon, and I simply could not think what +"trotteur" meant. I would not say "Trottel" [idiot], +and so I said nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned +round and whispered it to me, but of course I was +not going to say it after her, but remained speechless +as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: "Translate +the sentence right to the end, and then you'll +grasp its meaning." But I can't see the sense of that; +for if I don't know one of the words the sentence has +no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to +have. If Hella had not been absent to-day because +of -- --, she might have been able to whisper it to +me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, +saying that no one could ever trust anyone, and that +I really did not deserve a One. "And the stupidest +thing of all was that you laughed when you +did not know a simple word like that." Of course I +could not tell her that my first thought had been to +translate it "Trottel." Unseen translation is really +too difficult for us. + +June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I'm on +tenter hooks to know whether I shall have a Reprimand, +or a bad conduct mark in my report. That +would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, +for her father has just gone away to manoeuvres in +Hungary or in Bosnia, and by the time he is back +the holidays will have begun and no one will be +bothering about reports any more. So I shall know +to-morrow. Oh bother, to-morrow is a holiday and +next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days I shall +have "to linger in suspense," but a different sort of +suspense from what Goethe wrote about. + +June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this +afternoon because of Dora's matriculation. The +Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an aunt, who +is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go +with them. In the evening we went to Turkenschanz +Park to supper, but there was nothing on. By the +way, I have not written anything yet about the +"innocent child" at the outing. On the boat she began +fussing round Hella and me and wanted to push +into the conversation, indirectly of course! But she +did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in +such matters; she simply seemed to look through her +Really I'm a little sorry for her, for she hasn't +any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella said: +"Haven't you had enough of it yet? Do you want to +be cooked once more with the same sauce?" And +when Hella's hat fell into the water and we were still +looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden we +found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a +fine lace shawl which she had brought with her for +the evening because she so readily gets earache. +"Wouldn't you like to use this shawl, so that you won't +have to go back to Vienna without a hat?" "Please +don't trouble yourself, I'm quite used to going about +bare-headed." But the _way_ she said it, like a queen! +I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter than I +am, but at such moments she looks just like a grown- +up lady. I told her as much, and she rejoined: +"Darling Rita, you can't _learn_ a thing like that; it's +_inborn_." She rather annoyed me, for she always +seems to think that an officer's daughter is a thing +apart. + +July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed +off without a public scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke +to me in the corridor, saying: "Lainer, you've had +a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been +raised on your behalf, I really don't know -- -- --." +Then I said: "I'm quite certain, Frau Doktor, that +you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct Mark." +And I kissed her hand. "Get along, you little baggage, +for the one part simply a child, and for the other +with your head full of thoughts which grown-ups +would do well to dispense with." + +After all, one can't help one's _thoughts_, and we shall +be more careful in future as to the persons to whom +we talk about _that sort of thing_. Here's another thing +I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got +back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came +to meet us at the station; Father was there too, and +so was the "innocent child's" mother. Thank goodness +Father did not know her. When we got out of +the train there was a great scrimmage, because we +were all trying to sort ourselves to our parents, and +suddenly I heard Hella's voice: "No, Madam, your +child is not in our bad company." I turned round +sharply, and there was Hella standing in front of +Frau von Zerkwitz who had just asked her: "Hullo, +_you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?" The +answer was splendid; I should never have been able +to hit upon it; I always think of good repartees after +the event. It was just the same that time when the +old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was +alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: +Impudent as a Jewess, or an impudent Jewess! It +was too absurd, for first of all it's not impudent to +make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow +because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella +finished up by saying to him: "No, you've made a +mistake, you are not speaking to one of your own +sort." + +We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora's +matriculation we are staying here until the 11th. +Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, and this +year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. +Hella had a splendid time there last year + +July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., +no, I can't write it plain out. In the middle of the +Physics lesson, during revision, when I was not thinking +of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in +with a paper to be signed. As we all stood up I thought +to myself: Hullo, what's that? And then it suddenly +occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella asked +me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, +if I'd had some sweets with me. I did not want to +tell her the real reason directly, and so I said: "Oh +no, I had nearly fallen asleep from boredom, and +when Fraulein N. came in it gave me a start." On +the way home I was very silent, and I walked so +slowly (for of course one must not walk fast +_when_ . . . ) that Hella said: "Look here, what's +up to-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have +you fallen in love without my knowing it, or is it +_at long last_ . . . .?" Then I said "_Or is it at long +last!_" And she said: "Ah, then now we're equals +once more," and there in the middle of the street she +gave me a kiss. Just at that moment two students +went by and one of them said: "Give me one too." +And Hella said: "Yes, I'll give you one on the cheek +which will burn." So they hurried away. We really +had no use for them: to-day!! Hella wanted me to +tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn't anything +to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn't_ tell. +It is really very unpleasant, and this evening I shall +have to take frightful care because of Dora. But I +must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--. It will +be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella's +case, first of all because she had such frightful cramps +before it began so that her mother knew all about it +without being told, and secondly because it was her +_mother_. I certainly shan't tell Dora whatever happens, +for that would make me feel still more ashamed. +As for a San-- T--, I shall never be able to buy one +for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be +awful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether +men really do know; I suppose they must know about +their wives, but at any rate they can't know anything +about their daughters. + +July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I +switched off the light _before_ I undressed, and then +Dora snapped at me: "What on earth are you up to, +switch it on again directly." "No I won't." Then +she came over and wanted to switch it on herself; "Oh +do please wait until I've got into bed." "O-o-h, is +that it," said Dora, "why didn't you say so before? +I've always hidden my things from you, and you +haven't got any yet." And then we talked for quite +a long time, and she told me that Mother had commissioned +her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Mother +had told her all about it, but she said it was better +for one girl to tell it to another, because that was +least awkward. Mother knew too that in January +Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It +was midnight before we switched off the light. + +July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went +to get our reports to-day and said good-bye to Frau +Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at the end +she said: "I hope that you won't give too much +trouble to my successor." At first we did not understand, +for we thought she only meant that it is always +uncertain whether the same member of the staff will +keep the same class from year to year, but then she +said: "I am leaving the school because I am going +to be married." It gave me such a pang, and I said: +"Oh, is it true?" "Yes, Lainer, it's quite true." And +all the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss +her hand. No one spoke for a moment, and then +Hella said: "Frau Doktor, may I ask you something? +But you mustn't be angry!" "All right, ask away!" +"Is it the captain we met in Carnuntum?" She was +quite puzzled for a minute, and then she laughed like +anything and said, "No, Bruckner, it is not he, for +he has a wife already." And Gilly, who is not so +frightfully fond of her as Hella and I are, said: "Frau +Doktor, please tell us whom you are going to marry." +"There's no secret about it, I am going to marry a +professor in Heidelberg." That is why she has to +leave the High School. It's simply ruined my holidays. +Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls would +not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to +walk home with her. Then she said: "My darling +girls, that's impossible, for I am going to Purkersdorf +to see my parents. And then Hella had her splendid +idea. The others said: "Please may we come with +you as far as the metropolitan?" and at length she +said they might. But Hella said, "Come along," and +we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and +took tickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able +to get back in plenty of time, and there we were waiting +on the platform when she came and when all the +girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then +we rushed up to her and got into the train which came +in at that moment. Of course we had second class +tickets, for Hella, being an officer's daughter, mayn't +travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always travels second +too. And we all three sat together on a seat for +two, though it was frightfully hot. She was so nice +to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and she +promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to +Hutteldorf. "Now, girls, you must get out." Then +we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_ Never +shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly +ride! As long as the train was still in sight we both +waved our handkerchiefs to her and she _waved back!_ +When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella looked +everywhere for her purse and could not find it; she +must have left it in the ticket office. Luckily I still +had all my July pocket money and so I was able to +pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was +the sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and +had only passed out through the second, so we had not +to pay so much; and no one knew anything about it, +there's no harm in that sort of cheating. Of course +we really did go back third, although Hella said it +would spoil the memory for her. That sort of thing +does not matter to me. We did not get home until +a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendous +scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the +library for Frau Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the +High School at 12, and there had been no one there. +We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone +part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was +leaving because of her marriage. Then Dora was +quite astonished and said: "Ah, now I understand." +The other day when she had to go into the room while +the staff meeting was on, the staff was talking about +an engagement, and Fraulein Thim was saying: "Not +everyone has the luck to get a university professor." +That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim +won't get one, not even a school porter. To-day, (I've +been writing this up for two days), I had such a +delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo, simply +heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking +than the reality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly +beautiful, with her lovely eyes and her spiritual +expression! Of course she has sent Hella a photo too. +We are going to have pocket leather cases made for +the photographs, so that we can take them with us +wherever we go. But we shall have to wait until after +the holidays because Hella has lost her money, and +nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares. +And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father +has some untearable transparent envelopes, and I shall +ask him for two of them. They will do as a makeshift. + +Dora's matriculation is to-morrow, she's quite +nervous about it although she is very well up in all the +subjects. But she says it's so easy to make mistakes. +But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he +was very much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear +Mother was frightfully anxious: "Pooh," said Oswald, +"I shall soon show them that there's no need +to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that's +the whole secret!" And then all he telegraphed was +"durch" [through] and poor Mother was still very +anxious, and thought that it might mean _durchgefallen_ +[failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_ +[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had +come. And father had brought two bottles of champagne +to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald's return. +There won't be anything of the sort after Dora's +matriculation because Mother is not with us any more; +oh it does make me so miserable when I think that +2 <1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --. + +July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having +her exam (she passed with Distinction), I went to +the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was +going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I +told Hella I was going with Aunt, and so I took the +tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to the cemetery. +People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. +There was no one in the place but me. I did not +dare to stay long, for I was afraid I should be home +late. It's a frightfully long way to Potzleinsdorf, and +it always seems so much further when one is alone. +And when I came away from the cemetery I took a +wrong turning and found myself in a quite deserted +street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of thing is +very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no +one of whom I could ask the way. Then by good luck +an old lady came along, and she told me I had only +to take the next turning to get back to the tram line. +And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came +along, so I got in and reached home long before +Dora. But in the afternoon Hella nearly gave me +away, quite unintentionally. But since they were all +talking about the matriculation I was able to smooth +it over. Now that Dora has finished her matriculation +she will have to tell me a great deal more about _certain +things_; she promised she would. Before the matriculation +she was always so tired because of the frightful +grind, but that is over now, and I never do any work +in the holidays. What are holidays for? Frau Doktor +Dunker has really given me only a Satisfactory, +it's awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn +from _her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce +me to bother myself about French now, for she has +a down on me, and when one's teacher has a down +on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it's +no good. It was so different with Frau Doktor M.!! +I have just been looking at her photo so long that my +eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up +about to-day: even when one had been stupid once +or twice, she never cast it up against one, never, never, +never -- -- the sweet angel! + +July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am +so glad. It is frightfully dull to-day, for Hella went +away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she is to +stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going +to Salzburg and perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to +Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see one another +again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I +can't go to K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay +in F. till the middle of September. I got my name day +presents to-day because they are things for the journey: +a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, +and half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow +black border, and an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge +bag of sweets for the journey from Hella. The world +is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall +marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: +"The most ardent _girl_ friendships are always broken +up when one of the two marries." I suppose because +the other one is annoyed because she has not married. +I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.'s +wedding! and I wonder whether she knows about +_everything_; very likely not, but if not I suppose her +mother will tell her all about it before she is married. +Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said +to her: "A girl always gets all sorts of false ideas +into her head; the reality is quite different." But +that is not so in our case, for we really know everything +quite precisely, even to the fact that you have +to take off every stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget +it!--Oswald is coming to F. on the 20th, for first +he is going to Munich for a few days. + +July 12th. It's lovely here; mountains and mountains +all round, and we're going to climb them all; +oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply can't keep +a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must +write to Hella at least every other day. We are staying +in the Edelweiss boarding house; there are about +40 visitors, at least that's what we counted at dinner. +There is a visitors' list hanging up in the hall, and +I must study it thoroughly. The journey was rather +dull, for Dora had a frightful headache so we could +not talk all through the night. I stood in the corridor +half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was +a frightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose +no one knew anything about it. The boarding +house is beautifully furnished, carpets everywhere; +there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We +are awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 +courses at dinner and two at supper. Flowers on +every table. Father says we must wait and see +whether they change them often enough. Father has +a new tweed suit which becomes him splendidly for +he is so tall and aristocratic looking. We have coats +and skirts made of thin black cotton material and +black lace blouses, and we also have white coats and +skirts and white blouses, and light grey tweed dresses +as well. For Father is really quite right: "Mourning +is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_." Still, for the +present, we shall wear black, but we have the white +things in case it gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a +cliff quite near the house, we picked a great nosegay +of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother's photo +with her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily +I forgot to bring mine. I should like to go +to the top of the Wildeck or one of the other +mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss +for oneself. But Father says that mountaineering is +not suited to our ages. The baths here always seem +very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein +said we should only bathe when the water is quite +warm. But apparently that won't be often. We have +not made any acquaintances yet, but I like the look +of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second +table from ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. +One plan ,has come to nothing. I wanted to talk to +Dora in the evenings about all sorts of _important_ +things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares +our room. Here's another tiresome thing; Father's +room has a lovely veranda looking on to the promenade, +while our room only looks into the garden. Of +course the view is lovely, but I should have liked +Father's room much better, only it is a great deal too +small for three persons; there is only one bed and +its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate that +sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding +house calls it _Empire!!_ I don't suppose she can ever +have seen a room furnished in real Empire style. + +July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk +yesterday she told me a great deal about Aunt Dora. +I never really knew before whether Uncle Richard was +employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient +there; but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and +is quite off his head and often has attacks of raving +madness. Once before he was sent to the asylum he +tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ +he did her a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don't quite +understand how, for Aunt Dora has never had any +children. And why on earth do they make such a +secret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to +think of it, no one ever wanted to talk about Mother's +illness. There's no sense in this secrecy, for in the +first place that always makes one think about things, +and secondly one always finds out in the long run. +At last Aunt Dora was so terribly afraid of Uncle +that she always kept the door of her bedroom locked. +It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging +maniac. Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora +is enough to drive one mad with her whims and +fancies. Of course he didn't mean that literally, but +I must watch carefully to find out what Aunt really +does to annoy anyone so much. Most likely it is +something connected with _this matter_. To my mind +Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and +yet Uncle Franz has never gone raving mad. Dora +says that Uncle Richard may go on living for another +20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt +Dora because she is tied to such a monster. Why +tied? After all, he is in an asylum and can't do her +any harm. Dora didn't know about all this before, +Aunt only told her after Mother's death. Dora thinks +it is better not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in +love_ with a man. And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ +In that case _that_ would be excluded. But I +always imagined a marriage contract was made because +of a dowry and money affairs generally; and +never thought of its having _such_ a purpose. Frau +Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two +years ago, had married under such conditions. But it +puzzles me, for if _that_ is what men chiefly want when +they marry, I don't see how any man can be satisfied +with a marriage contract. There must be a mistake +somewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, +for the Mayers were Jews. + +July 21st. No, I never should have thought that +Hella would prove to have been right in that matter. +I got a letter 8 pages long from Anneliese to-day. +That time when Hella had to stay at home for five +days she believed that Anneliese would make fresh +advances. But obviously she was afraid. So now she +has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the +only friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and +everybody likes me, and only you have turned away +from me in anger. What harm did I do you -- -- --? +After all, she did do me some harm; for there might +have been a fine row if it had not been for Frau +Doktor M., that angel in human form! She writes she +is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with her mother +at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I +forget which, I must look it up _if_ I answer her. For +I gave my word of honour to Hella that I would never +forgive the "innocent child." But after all, to write +an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from +meaning a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. +She says that there are absolutely no girls in Gratsch, +only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen, the youngest +is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull +myself. So I really will write to her, but I shall be +exceedingly reserved. She finishes up with: Listen +to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do not harden +your heart against one who has always loved you +truly. That is really very fine, and Anneliese always +wrote the best compositions; Frau Doktor M. used +often to praise them and to speak of her excellent +style, but later she really did not like her at all. She +often told her she ought not to be so affected, or she +would lose the power of expression from sheer affectation. +I shall not write to her immediately, but only +after a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve. + +July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their +names are Olga and Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; +I don't know their surname yet, but only that they +have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their +mother's hair is quite grey already, their father is not +coming until August 8th. We have arranged to go +for a walk at 4 o'clock this afternoon, to Brennfelden. + +July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every +day before dinner, for after dinner we all go with our +hammocks into the wood. After all I wrote to Anneliese +three days ago, without waiting, so as not to +keep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything +to Hella about it because I don't know how Anneliese +will answer. Hella says she is having a royal time +in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just +what she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 +sides including the signature so of course I did not +write to her as much as usual. + +July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the +Weiners; she thinks they are frightfully stuck up. +She says it's not the proper thing to wear gold bracelets +and chains in the country, above all with peasant +costume. Of course she is right, but still I like the +two girls very much, and especially Olga, the younger +one; Nelly puts on such airs; they go to a high school +too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has only +just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. +Dora says they will never set the Danube on fire. No +matter, leave it to others to do that. We enjoyed +ourselves immensely on our walk. I'm going to spend +the whole day with them to-day. Father says: +"Don't see too much of them; you'll only get tired +of them too soon." I don't believe that will happen +with the Weiners. + +July 29th. It's my birthday to-morrow. I wonder +what my presents will be. I've already had one of +them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of openwork +stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely +fine, and my feet look so elegant in them. But I must +take frightful care of them and not wear them too +often. Aunt says: "Perhaps now you will learn to +give up pulling at your stockings when you are doing +your lessons." As if I would do any lessons in the +holidays. + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + +AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF + + + +LAST HALF-YEAR + + +July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! +birthday; Olga thought that I was 16 or at least 15; +but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is _quite_ +agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for +after all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at +most. But as to feeling different, as Hella said she +did, I really can't notice anything of the kind; I am +merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now +call me a _child_. I do detest the word "child," except +when Mother used to say: "My darling child," but +then it meant something quite different. I like +Mother's ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall +wear it for always and always. When I was going +to cry, Father said so sweetly: "Don't cry, Gretel, +you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that would +be a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_ Besides the +ring, Father gave me a lovely black pearl necklace +which suits me perfectly, and is at the same time so +cool; then Theodor Storm's _Immensee_, from Aunt +Dora the black openwork stockings and long black +silk gloves, and from Dora a dark grey leather wristband +for my watch. But I shan't wear that until we +are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. +Grandfather and Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but +nothing has come from Oswald. He can't possibly +have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later. +Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At +dinner Aunt Dora had ordered my favourite chocolate +cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, why have we +got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came +out that it was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, +who knew it already, told most of the other guests +and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy +returns. Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, +and had given me a huge nosegay of wild flowers and +another of cut flowers. This afternoon we are all +going to Flagg; it is lovely there. + +Evening: I must write some more. We could not +have the expedition, because there was a frightful +thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o'clock. But we enjoyed +ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: +As I was leaving the dining-room in order to go to +the . . . ., I heard a voice say: May I wish you a +happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and there +behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, +whom I have been noticing for the last three +days. "Thank you very much, it's awfully kind of +you," said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had +to go. But he began speaking again, and said: "I +suppose that's only a joke about your being 14. Surely +you are 16 to-day?" "I am both glad and sorry to +say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as +old as he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go +to my room," said I hurriedly, and bolted, for +otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did not suspect the +truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will make her +laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a +view of Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite +sweets, filled with brandy. In her letter she complains +of the "shortness of my last letter." I must write her +a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the +first time where "Balder" sits; that's what I call him +because of his lovely golden hair, and because I don't +know his real name. He is with an old gentleman and +an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like +his, but she can't possibly be his sister for she is +much too old. + +July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, +and the father is a retired member of the Board +of Mines. The young lady is really his sister, and she +is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found +all this out from the housemaid. But I went about it +in a very cunning way, I did not want to ask straight +out, and so I said: Can you tell me who that white- +haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my +Grandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for +Father's Father has been dead 12 or 15 years, and +Mother's Father does not live in Vienna but in Berlin.) +Then Luise answered: "Ah, Fraulein, I expect +you mean Herr Oberbergrat Sch., von Sch. But I +expect Fraulein's Grandfather is not quite so grumpy." +I said: "Is he so frightfully grumpy then?" And +she answered: "I should think so; we must all jump +at the word go or it's all up with us!" And then one +word led to another, and she told me all she knew; +the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her +father won't let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ +has left home because his father pestered him so. He +is a student in Prague, and only comes home for the +holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet they +look perfectly happy except the daughter. By the +way, it's horrid for the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly +actually 15, and their mother is once more -- -- -- -- +I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both +in a frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: "It's +a perfect scandal;" they find it so awkward going +about with their mother. I can't say I'd noticed anything +myself; but they say it has really been obvious +for a long time; "_the happy event!!_ will take place in +October," said Olga. It really must be very disagreeable, +and I took a dislike to Frau W. from the first. +I simply can't understand how such a thing can happen +when people are so old. I'm awfully sorry for the +two Weiner girls. Something of the same sort must +have happened in the case of the Schs., for Luise has +told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister +not 32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 +years older, appalling. I'm awfully sorry for her because +her father won't let her marry, or rather would +not let her marry. I'm sure Father would never refuse +if either of us wanted to marry. I have written all +this to Hella; I miss her dreadfully, for after all the +Weiner girls are only strangers, and I could _never_ tell +my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms +now. Oswald is coming to-morrow. + +August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. +He comes and goes when he likes and where he likes. +A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, saying he was +not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, +Watzmann, glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father +did not say much, but I fancy he's very much annoyed. +Especially just now, after poor Mother's death, Oswald +might just as well come home. Last year he was +so long away after matriculation, quite alone, and +now it's the same this year. One pleasure after another +like that is really not the thing when one's Mother +has been dead only three months. The day after we +came here and before we had got to know anyone, +I went out quite early, at half past 8, and went alone +to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain +and some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in +many cases one can't decipher the inscriptions; there +was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat on a little +bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappi- +ness, and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my +eyes lest anyone should notice it. I was horribly annoyed +to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, she +wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, +to see if we can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma +always means by that very cheap, but above all it +must be in a private house; of course, for a boarding +house would be far too dear for them. I do hope we +shan't find _anything_ suitable, we really did not find +anything to-day, for a storm was threatening and we +did not go far. I do so hope we shall have no better +success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having +Marina here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt +Dora and Dora are both very much against their +coming. But Father said: That won't do girls, she's +your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All +right, we can _look for them_; but seeking and finding +are two very different things. + +August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look +for the rooms, and since Dora always makes a point +of finding what's wanted, she managed to hunt up 2 +rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. +The summer visitors who were staying there had to +go back suddenly to Vienna because their grandmother +died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. Dora +wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all +be delighted to see them, which is a downright lie. +However, I wrote a P.S. in which I sent love to them +all, and said that the journey was scandalously +expensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. +Owing to this silly running about looking for rooms +I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday afternoon or +this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder +either. And at dinner we can't see the Scharrers' +table because they have a table in the bay window, +for they have come here every year for the last 9 years. +I'm absolutely tired out, but there's something I +must write. This afternoon the Weiners and we went +up to Kreindl's, and Siegfried Sch. came with us, for +he knows the Weiners, who have been here every year +for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and +that annoyed me frightfully. So I said not a word, +but walked well behind the others. On the way home +he came up to me and said: "I say, Fraulein Grete, +are you always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict +the idea." I said: "It all depends on my +mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any +one." "Could you not change places at table with +your mother?" "In the first place, she is not my +Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, and in +the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had +better say it to my sister!" "Don't be jealous! +There's no reason for _that_. I can't help talking to +your sister when we're in company; but I can assure +you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous." +I wish I knew how I could manage that change of +places, but I always sit next Father; anyhow I would +not do it directly; next week at soonest. Farewell, +my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --. + +August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: You heart of +gold, so you are able to forgive my sins of youth? +The world shines with a new light since I received +your letter." I don't know that my letter was so forgiving +as all that, for all I said was that I was very +sorry she was so lonely in Gratsch, and that we could +not alter the past, so we had better bury it. She sends +me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told +one another when our birthdays were), and she sends +me a great pressed forget-me-not. She waited to +answer until it had been pressed. I don't know quite +what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt +give me very good advice, but I can't very well tell +him the whole story, for then I should have to tell +him why we quarrelled, and that would be awful. +I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must +write to-day, for it will be quite three days before I +can get an answer, and then 1 or two days more before +Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5 days at +least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, for +Father won't let us sit in the hall alone; I can't think +why. Generally speaking Father's awfully kind, +quite different from other fathers, but this is really +disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa after +dinner and read _Immensee_, for I've not had a chance +before. + +August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; +Marina in a dust-grey coat and skirt that fits her +abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand; Ferdinand is +going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the +Neustadt military academy; he's the most presentable +of the lot. Uncle was in a frightful temper, growling +about the journey and about the handbaggage, I think +they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I had +to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of +which she said that it contained the accumulated rubbish +of 10 years. Aunt Alma's appearance was enough +to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so high that +one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a +hat like a scarecrow's. When I think how awfully +well dressed _Mother_ always was, and how nice she +always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 years +younger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived +to be 80 she would never have looked like _that_. Thank +goodness, on the way from the station we did not meet +any one, and above all we did not meet _him_. For +once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding +house. We had two tables put together, and I seized +the opportunity to change my place, for I offered Aunt +Alma the place next Father and seated myself beside +the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, +Marina looked quite nice at dinner, for her white +blouse suits her very well, and she has a lovely +complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink in the +cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she +does her hair is hideous, parted and brushed quite +smooth, with two pigtails. I've given them up long +ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. +But "snails" suit me a great deal better. _He_ +looked across at me the whole time, and Aunt +Alma said: "Grete is blossoming out, I hope there's +not a man in the case already." "Oh no," said Father, +"country air does her such a lot of good, and when I +take the children away for a change I don't forbid +any innocent pleasures." My darling Father, I had +to keep a tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him +then and there. They were all so prim, with their eyes +glued to their plates as if they had never eaten rum +pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at +Marina, but of course she noticed nothing. They soon +put away their first helps, and they all took a second, +and then they went on talking. When we went to +our rooms I knocked at Father's door and gave him +the promised kiss and said: "You really are a jewel +of a Father." "Well, will you, if you please, be a +jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina +and the others?" I said: "Oh dear, I simply can't +stand her, she's such a humbug!" "Oh well," said +Father, "it may be a pity, but you know one can't +choose one's parents and one's relations." "I would +not have chosen any different parents, for we could +not have found another Father and another Mother +like you." Then Father lifted me right up into the +air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: "You +are a little treasure," and we kissed one another +heartily. I really do like Father better than anyone +in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite different, +she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I +like Aunt Dora too, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him +again. + +August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got +a postcard from Hella, with nothing on it but "Follow +your own bent, with best wishes, your M." When +we write postcards we always use a cipher which no +one else can understand, so that M. means H. It's +a good thing no one can understand it. Of course I +wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, +and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with +nothing more than: Have done so, with best wishes, +W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder what she will do. +Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, +and what he said was lovely. But I can't agree +that all fathers _without exception_ are tyrants. I +said: "_My_ Father isn't!" He rejoined: "Not _yet_, +but you will find out in time. However, anyone with +a character of his own won't allow himself to be +suppressed. I simply broke with my Old Man and left +home; there are other technical schools besides the +one in Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well +just look at Hulda; whenever anyone fell in love with +her the Old Man marred her chance, for no one can +stand such tutelage." "Tutelage, what do you mean," +said I, but just at that moment everyone got up to go +away. To-morrow perhaps, poor persecuted man. + +August 9th. Oh dear, it's horrible if it's all really +true what Hella writes about being infected; an erup- +tion all over the body, that is the most horrible thing +in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, and +since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, +I must _absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get +hold of a fragment of it. Above all now that Marina +is here, for you never can tell -- -- --. But I know +what I'll do; I'll copy the letter here, even if it takes +2 or 3 days. She writes: + +Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday's +postcard. If you were angry, you must make it +up with me. Consort with whom you please and +write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ +be on your own head. Father always says: Beware +of red hair! And I insist that the "innocent child" +has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like. + +Now I've got something much more important to +tell you. But you must promise me dirst that you will +tear up my letter directly you have read it. Otherwise +please send it back to me _un_read. + +Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married +woman living with her mother and her cousin, a girl +who is studying medicine; they are Poles and I have +always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. +The young wife has got a divorce from her husband, +for she was _infected_ by him on the _wedding night_. +Of course you remember what being _infected_ is. But +really it is something quite different from what we +imagined. Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption +all over her body and her face, and most likely all +her hair will fall out; is it not frightful? Her cousin, +the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is +there to _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about +it, she heard of it from the housemaid where they have +rooms. As you know, one can't talk to Lizzi about +anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more; +but the other day, when I went to buy some picture +postcards, I met the three ladies. The young wife was +wearing a very thick veil, so that one could see nothing. +They were sitting on a bench in the garden in +front of their house, and I bowed in passing, on the +way back. They bowed, and smiled in a friendly way. +In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was feeling +very bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard +some people talking on the veranda just outside my +window--the veranda runs all round the house. At +first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down +outside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish +student directly, and I heard her say to the wife of +the mayor of J.: "Yes, my unfortunate cousin's experience +has been a terrible one; that is because people +sell girls like merchandise, without asking them, and +without their having the least idea what they are in +for." I got up at once and sat down close to the +window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. +The mayor's wife said: "Yes, it's horrible +what one has to go through when one is married. +_My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- -- And +then I could not understand what she went on to say +I overheard this conversation on Thursday. But +that's not all I have to tell you. Of course my first +thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; +for she spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we +are both of us already _very much enlightened_, still, +as a medical student, she must know a great deal +more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And +since she said that girls ought not to be allowed to +_run blindly into marriage_, I thought she would probably +tell me a little if I went cautiously to work. +There was a word which she and the mayor's wife used +more than once, _segsual_ and I don't know what it +means, and I'm sure you don't know either, darling +Rita. She said something about _segsual intimacies_; +of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one +knows it has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual +mean? It must mean something, since it is used with +_intimacy_. Well, let me get on. On Saturday there +was a party, and the medical student came, and I +left my Alpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody +picked it up and turned over the pages, and the +word went round that the person to whom it belonged +must sing something. At first I did not let on, but +went out for a moment, and then came back saying: +I'm looking for my music book, I left it lying about +somewhere. There was a general shout, and everyone +said: We've agreed that the person to whom that +book belongs has got to sing. Now I knew that +Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing on +such evenings before. So I said: I shall be delighted +to sing, provided Fraulein K. will accompany me, +For you gentlemen play too loud for my voice. Great +laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were +introduced, and I thought to myself: You will soon +improve the acquaintance. On Sunday for once in a +way I got up quite early, at half past 6, for Fraulein K. +can only go out walking early in the morning since she +spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near +the Luisenquelle, so I went there with a book, and +as soon as she came I jumped up, said good-morning, +and went on: I'm afraid I've taken possession of +_your_ bench. "Not at all," she said, "Do you study +on Sundays?" "Oh no, this is only light reading," +I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book, for +in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck +was with me. She sat down beside me and said: +"What is it you are reading that you hide so +anxiously? I suppose it's something that your mother +must not know about." "Oh no," said I, "we have +not brought any such books to the country with us." +"I take it that means that you do manage to get them +when you are in town?" "Goodness me, one must +try and learn a little about _life_; and since no one will +ever tell one anything, one looks about for oneself to +see if one can find anything in a book." "In the +encyclopedia, I suppose?" "No, that's no good, for +one can't always find the truth there." She burst out +laughing and said: "What sort of truth do you +want?" "I think you can imagine very well what sort +of things I want to know." Of course one can speak +more plainly to a medical student than one can to +other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted or +angry but said: Yes, it's the same struggle everywhere. +Then I made use of your favourite phrase +and said: "Struggle, what do you mean? What I +really want to know about is being infected." Then +she flushed up and said: "Who's been talking to you +about that? It seems to me that the whole town is +chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see +that _I_ can't tell you that." But I answered: "If you +don't, who will? _You_ study medicine, and are seeing +and talking about such things all day." "No, no, my +dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made +me), you are still much too young for _that sort of +thing_." What do you think of that, we are too young +at 14 1/2, it's utterly absurd. I expect that really her +studies have not gone very far, and she would not +admit it. Anyhow, I stood up, and said: "I must +not disturb you any longer," and bowed and went +away; but I thought to myself: "A fig for her and +her _studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_'ll make!" +"What do you think about it all? We shall still +have to trust to the encyclopedia, and after all a lot +of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily +we know most things except the word segsual. Next +winter I expect we shall find it easier than we used +to to get to the bookcase in your house. I don't bow +to the silly idiot any more. + +But darling Rita, with regard to the "innocent +child," I don't want to influence you in any way, and +I shan't be angry with you for preferring an _unworthy_ +person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send +you half a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, +H. P.S. I have been 4 days writing this letter; tear +it up, _whatever_ you do!!! + +Now that I have copied the letter, I really can't see +why Hella wants me to tear it up. There's nothing +so very dreadful in it. But there is one thing I shan't +be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up +things in the encyclopedia. I think I should always +feel that Mother would suddenly come in and stand +behind us. No, I simply can't do it. + +August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have +been prevented writing about _my own_ affairs, although +they are far more important. Last Wednesday the +Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had +arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. +Dora did not want to go at first, but Father said that +if it would give _us_ pleasure, he would very much like +to go with us, and Mother would be only too delighted +to see that we were enjoying something once more. +And two days before the excursion Dora finally decided +that she would like to go; I knew why at once; +she thought that by that time all the places would +have been taken, and that we should have been told: +Very sorry, no more room. But luckily she had made +a _great_ mistake. For the secretary said: With pleasure; +how many places shall I reserve? and so we said: +7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), +Marina (very unfortunately), and the two +boys (no less unfortunately). "That will need an +extra conveyance," replied the secretary, and we +thought we should make a family party. But it was +not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman whom I had seen +once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous +amount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange +gentlemen, Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her +son, who is not quite all there; opposite was Hero +Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the +stage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother +(notwithstanding!!!), then I, and afterwards Marina, +Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. I +don't know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 +in the morning we all met outside the school, for the +schoolmaster acted as our guide. I did not know before +that he has two daughters and a son who has +matriculated this year. First of all they held a great +review, and the gentlemen fortified themselves with +a nip and so did some of the ladies; I did not, for I +hate the way in which a liqueur burns one's throat so +that every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make +such faces when they are drinking, that is why I never +drink liqueur. I did not care much about the drive +out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had +red noses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to +keep them red, for one looks simply hideous when +one's lips are white or blue, I noticed that in Dora +when we were skating last winter. Father went only +on our account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so +that Aunt Alma could go. Marina wears "snails" +now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Dora +gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can +say for myself. Only when we got out aid I notice +that Siegfried's sister, Fraulein Hulda, had been sitting +next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice, +and many, many years ago she must have been very +pretty; she has such soft brown eyes, and her hair is +the same colour as her brother's; but he has glorious +blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, +as he was when he was talking about his father. I +should tremble before him in his wrath. He is so tall +that I only come up to his shoulder. Father calls +him the red tapeworm; but that's really not fair. He +is very broad but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we +stopped for breakfast, eating the food we had brought +with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster +hurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to +walk. The two boys made a party with other boys, +and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, and Marina, +led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman's +wife from Hildesheim, or whatever it was called, and +with the schoolmaster's wife. It was _awfully_ dull at +first, so that I began to be sorry that I had begged +Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles +the schoolmaster's son and three bright young fellows +came along and walked with us. Then we had such +fun that we could hardly walk for laughing, and the +elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was +quite unrestrained, I could never have believed that +she could be so jolly. One of the schoolmaster's +daughters fell down, and some one pulled her out of +the brook into which she had slid because she was +laughing so much. I really don't know what time we +got to Inner-Lahn, for we were enjoying ourselves so +much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and we +were all frantically hungry. We laughed without +stopping, for we had all sat down just as we had come +in, although Aunt Alma did not want us to at first. +But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to +show Hero Siegfried that I could amuse myself very +well without him, for he had frozen on to the aspiring +actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don't know +which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were +sitting all mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, +and Father said next day we had spent a perfect +fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happened +later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think +Dora gave Marina 3 crowns, so that she could buy +some things too. But Dora never lets on about anything +of that sort. I must say I like her character +better and better; in those ways she is very like Mother. +Well, our purchases were all packed into two or three +rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle in Unter-Toifen +on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, +for Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we +started, and I still had a lot of my August pocket +money left, and now I've got only 40 hellers. After +we had had dinner and bought the things we lay +about in the forest or walked about in couples. I had +curled myself up for a nap when some one came up +behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his +hands over my eyes and said: "The Mountain +Spirit." And I recognised _his_ hands _instantly_, and +said: "Hero Siegfried!" Then he laughed like anything +and sat down beside me and said: "You were +enjoying yourself so much this morning that you had +not even a glance to spare for me." "Contrariwise +(I've got that from Dora), I never foist myself on +anyone, and never _hang around anyone's neck_." Then +he wanted to put his arm round my waist (and probably, +most probably, he would have kissed me), but +I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, +for before the gentlemen we pretend that we never +call one another anything but Thea and Rita. Father +says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable +for Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but +we keep to our arrangement. Then he raised my hand +to his lips and said: "Don't call!" But Dora came +up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, +who is a doctor of law belonging to the District Court +of Innsbruck, and Marina and one of the young men, +and I asked, "I say, when _are_ we going to have tea?" +"Just fancy, she is hungry again already," they all +said, and laughed like anything. And Dora looked +_frightfully_ happy. She was wearing an edelweiss +buttonhole which she had not been wearing before; in +the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. +If possible he is even taller than Hero Siegfried, for +Dora is taller than I am and her head only comes up +to his ear. At 3 o'clock the last party came up to the +belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was +lovely. But I must say I can enjoy a fine view much +better when I am alone, that is with Father or quite a +few persons; it is no good when there's such a crowd; +each additional person seems to take something more +away. In a lovely place and at the cemetery one must +be alone. For a beautiful view usually makes one feel +frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been laughing +so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. +If I were alone in Inner-Lahn I'm sure I should become +melancholy, for it is so gloriously beautiful +there. + +At 4 o'clock, after tea, we started back, for the +schoolmaster thought the descent would not take more +than two hours and a half, but we needed more than +three. For we were all very tired, and a great many +of them had sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had +said before, that it would be too much for Aunt; but +she had to come with us to take care of Marina, though +Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner, +who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben +but in Germany. One does not really find out +what a girl is like until one sees how she behaves with +a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about +_certain things_; as for the last, of course that's +impossible with Marina _since the experience_ we had. But +anyhow she is nicer than one would have thought at +first sight. It was lovely on the way home. Driving +back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. + +In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were +three students from Munich, they were awfully nice, +and we sang all the songs we knew; especially "Hoch +vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust," and "Forelle " +and "Wo mein Schatz ist," were lovely, and the people +in two different breaks sang together. And then some +of them sang some Alpine songs and yodelled till the +hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third +break were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one +of them. Aunt Alma had a frightful headache; it was +utterly idiotic for her to come, and we did not know +yet what was still to happen. At every house from +which a girl had come there was a serenade. And +next evening there was to be a great raffle of the +mementoes we had bought, but Father would not let us +go to that. + +August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don't +know what on earth to do, so I am writing my diary. +Besides, I have not written about the row yet. The +next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going +out and said to Father: Ernst, please let me have +a word with you. Now we all know Aunt Alma's _let +me have a word with you_. In plain language it +means: I'm going to make a scene. She began : Ernst, +you know I never like these big parties with a lot of +strangers, for no good can come of them. Still, I made +up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and +chiefly for the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody +asked her to; and Aunt Dora had to stay at home +on her account.) Do you know what sort of people +were in our company? That impudent young student +whom Gretel is always running after (did you ever +hear anything like it! I should like to know when +I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm +round _his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began +the acquaintance on my birthday) and that girl who's +training for the stage did not come home after the +excursion till the night was half over. God knows +where they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ +when they got home. (Naturally, for where could +they have had a wash.) His father gave the young +blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl's +mother takes her side. It would positively kill me to +think of _my Marina doing anything of the kind_." +Father was able to get a word in at last: "But my dear +Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as +I know these two people weren't in our break, isn't that +so girls?" I was glad that Father turned to _us_, and I +said: Siegfried Sch. and the girl drove in the fourth +break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme +chause where he drove and with whom he was driving." +(Of course that's not true, but I said it was because of +Aunt.) "Such language and such a tone to your own +Father!" Directly she said that Father was in such +a passion as I have never seen him in before. "My +dear Alma, I really must beg you not to interfere with +_my_ educational methods, any more than I ever attempt +to interfere in _your_ affairs." Father said this quite +quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora +told me afterwards that I was quite white too, also +from rage of course. Aunt Alma said: "I don't want +to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right +Goodbye." As soon as she had gone Dora and I +rushed to Father and said: "Please Father, don't be +so frightfully angry; there's no reason why you +should." And Father was awfully sweet and said: +"I know quite well that I can trust you; you are my +Berta's children." And then I simply could not contain +myself, and I said: "No, Father, I really did +flirt with Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm +round my waist; but I did not let him kiss me, I give +you my word I did not. And if you want me to I'll +promise never to speak to him again." And then +Father said: "Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time +yet for such affairs, and even if that _red-haired rascal_ +plays the gallant with you, he is only making himself +a laughingstock. And you don't want that, do you, +little witch?" Then I threw my arms round Father +and promised him _on my word of honour_ that I would +never speak to Siegfried again. For it really distresses +me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; +and that he should go out walking half the night with +that girl; such shamelessness! + +We were so much upset that we did not go for a +walk, and of course did not go to the raffle. But I'm +frightfully sorry about those things I paid 7 crowns +for. I do hope he did not win any of them. + +August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this +morning, as I was going to breakfast, in the corridor +I met S. (it's a good thing that is the initial both +of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called +him) and he said: "Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. +Why weren't you at the raffle? Hadn't you any +share?--"Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for it, +but I had no fancy for the company I should +meet."-- -- Why, what has taken you all of a +sudden? They were the same people as at the +excursion! -- -- -- "Precisely for that reason," said I, +and passed on. I think I gave him what for, for he +simply must have understood. Father is really quite +right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one's parents +to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a +word against my parents to anyone, although I'm +often frightfully angry with them; of course not about +Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father; +I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For +when we had that trouble with Aunt Alma about +Marina, I was really not in the least to blame, but he +scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so +that I can never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to +some one whom I had only just got to know, I would +never say a word against anyone in our family; though +I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said +much against her even to Hella; at most that she was +deceitful, and that really used to be so, though she +seldom is now. + +August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can't bear +the word filthy, but it's the only one that's strong +enough. Oswald is coming this evening, at last. +Thank goodness. S. has made several _advances_, but +I have _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who +can go out walking with him half the night. I really +_should_ like to know where they went. In the night, +I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a +dislike to S. from the first because he -- -- -- -- -- +it's an absolute lie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. +It's simply not true, on the contrary he has such +entrancingly cool hands, I'm sure I must know that +better than Dora. But I've known for a long time +that whenever anyone pays _me_ attention Dora is +_unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, on Sunday +I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must +answer it to-day. + +August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did +not forget my birthday, but he says that at that time +he was stoney, in student's slang that means that he +hadn't any money, and then he could not find anything +suitable, but that he will repair the omission as +soon as we get back to Vienna. But I don't know +what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until +we all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few +excursions _by ourselves_. That is really the best way +after all. I am not much with the Weiners now, for +we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But Nelly +is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our +table to-day, once about a book we had lent her, and +once to arrange for a walk. + +August 24th. It is really absurd that one's own +brother can think such a lot of one; but if he does, +I suppose he knows. Oswald said to me to-day: +Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you +are developing." I said: "I don't want anyone to +bite me, and he said: "Nor do I," but I was awfully +delighted, though he is only my brother. He can't +stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; +I think he's right, really. And I simply can't understand +Dr. P., that he can always find something to +talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to +me yet. Still, I don't care. + +August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, +and we had a lovely view. The two boys +came, for they had begged their father to let them; +but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. +Oswald calls Aunt Alma _Angular Pincushion_, but only +when Father isn't there, for after all she is Father's +sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said +that my brother was staying only a few days more, +and that this was a farewell excursion _en famille_." +They were rather hurt, but they have made me very +angry by the way in which they will go on talking +about S. in front of me, on purpose, saying that he is +engaged or is going to be engaged to the actress girl +against his father's will. What does it matter to _me_? +They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, +especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am +so sad now at times that I simply can't understand +how I could have enjoyed myself so much on the big +excursion. I'm always thinking of dear Mother, and +I often wear my black frock. It suits my mood better. + +August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to- +morrow. At least the old gentleman said to Father +the day before yesterday: "Thank the Lord, we shall +soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more." +That is what Hella's grandmother used to say before +they came back from the country. And to-day I saw +two great trunks standing in the passage just outside +Herr Scharrer's room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman +charming; well, there's no accounting for tastes. +I don't believe he's ever spoken to S., though he is a +German Nationalist too, but of a different section; +Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that +section frightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged +to the Sudmark. + +August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, +the whole family has gone. They came to bid us +goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left this +morning by the 9 o'clock train to Innsbruck. And his +hands are not clammy, I paid particular attention +to the point; it is pure imagination on Dora's part. +He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That's +a splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between +Hella and me. + +September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because +people are really beginning to stare at their +mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to me +she told me she hated having to travel with her mother +and whenever possible she would lag behind a little so +that people should not know they belonged together. + +September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! +S. has come back, alone of course. Everyone is indignant, +for he has only come back because of Fraulein +A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him +like anything. This afternoon Frau Lunda said to +Aunt Dora: "It's simply scandalous, and his parents +certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even +if the girl's mother does not know any better." Then +Oswald said: "Excuse me, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is +no longer a schoolboy who must cling to his mother's +apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy +of a full-grown German." I was so pleased that he +gave a piece of his mind to Frau L., for she is always +glaring at one and is so frantically inquisitive. And +_tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. used it once +when he was speaking of his sister and why she had +never married. Frau L. was furious. She turned to +Aunt Dora and said: "Young men naturally take +one another's part, until they are fathers themselves +and then they hold other views." + +September 8th. Thank goodness we are going +home the day after to-morrow. It really has been +rather dull here, certainly I can't join in the paean +Hella sang about the place last year; of course they +were not staying in the Edelweiss boarding house but +in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. It makes a lot +of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, it +has just occurred to me. The young wife who had +the eruption after _infection_ can't have been divorced, +as Hella wrote me the week before last; for her husband +has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the +Theatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that +actors really are all _infected_; and Hella always says +it is only officers! She takes rather an exaggerated +view. + +September 14th. We have been back in Vienna +since the 11th, but I have been absolutely unable to +write, though there was plenty to write about. For +the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to +fetch some cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was +Lieutenant R. Viktor, _the Conqueror!!_ Of course he +recognised me immediately, and was awfully friendly, +and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually +after Dora, but it is obvious that he is not in love +with her any more. And it was so funny that he +should not know that Dora had matriculated this +year and so would not be going to the High School +any more. I did not tell him that she intends to go +on with her studies, for it is not absolutely settled +yet. + +September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I +am so glad; I greeted her with: _Hail!_ but she said; +"don't be silly," besides, it's unsuitable for an Austrian +officer's daughter!!! Still, we won't quarrel about it +after 2 months' separation, and _Servus_ is very smart +too though not so distinguished. She told me a +tremendous lot more about that young married woman; +some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was _in +love_ with the husband. That would be awful, for +then she would get infected too; but Hella says she +did not notice anything, though she watched very +closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang +at two of the musical evenings, but she did not see +any sign of it. Lizzi is _engaged_, but Hella could not +write anything about it, for the engagement is only +being officially announced now that they are back in +Vienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in +London, and she met him there. He is madly in love +with her. In August he was on leave, and he came to +B. to make an offer of marriage; that is why they +stayed the whole summer in B. instead of going to +Hungary. Those were the _special circumstances_, +about which Hella said she could not write to me. +I don t see why she could not have told me _that_, I +should have kept it to myself; and after all, Lizzi +is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been surprised +that she is engaged at last. They can't have a great +betrothal party, for Baron G.'s father died in July. +Hella is very much put out. Lizzi says it does not +matter a bit. + +September 18th. Lizzi's betrothal cards arrived +to-day. It must be glorious to send out betrothal +cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, though +she said when I asked her: "Why do you flush up +so, surely there's no reason to be ashamed when anyone +is _engaged!_" "Really, why should you think I +am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_." But +one does not get so red as _that_ from surprise. + +September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, +for _she_ has gone. And what was the Third +is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sit in +the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau +Doktor St. as class mistress, and she is to teach us +mathematics and physics once more; Frau Doktor F., +whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to +call Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed +to the German High School in Lemberg. For the +time being we are sitting in our old place, but Hella +says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another +seat, for the memory of the three years when +we had Frau Doktor M. might make us inattentive. +That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, +in French I am sorry to say it's still Frau Doktor +Dunker, whose complexion has not improved, and in +English the head mistress. I am very pleased with +that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly +I shall be in her good books from the start because +Dora was her favourite. Of course I'm not learning +Latin, for it would not interest me now that Frau +Doktor M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion +teacher, for Herr Professor K. has retired, since he +was 60 already. + +September 21st. We have managed it. In the +long interval, Hella said to Frau Doktor St., who was +in charge. "Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask +for something?" So she said: "What, in the very +first week; well, what is it?" We said we should like +to move from the third bench towards the window, +for we found it very painful to go on sitting where +we had sat when Frau Doktor M., was there. At +first she refused, but after a while she said: I'll see +what I can do, if you are really not happy where you +are." From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, +and as soon as Frau Doktor Steiner had taken her +place she said: "This arrangement of your seats was +only provisional. You had better sit more according +to height." Then she rearranged us all, and Hella +and I were moved to the 5th bench on the window +side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our places; in +front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike +Hammer whose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. +We are awfully glad that we have got +away from that hateful third bench where _she_ used +so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the +desk. + +September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German +professor, came to-day for the first time. He is +always clearing his throat and he wears gold spectacles. +Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don't. I'm +quite sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German +again. Yesterday the new Religion master came +for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella being a +Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill +and his eyes are always lowered though he has burning +black eyes. Next time I shall sit beside Hammer +which will be company for us both. + +October 2nd. We had confession and communion +to-day, and since the staff will not allow us to choose +our confessors, I had to go to Professor Ruppy. I +did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell +me to speak louder three times over. When I began +about the sixth commandment he covered his eyes +with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask +any questions about that. The only one of the staff +who used to allow us to choose our confessors was +Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow it directly +but when one ran quickly to another confessional +box, she pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof +gives frightfully long penances; all the girls who +went to him took a tremendous time to get through. +I do hope he won't be so strict over his examinations +or I shall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. +October 3rd. Father was so splendid to-day! +Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked her not +long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau +Riedl, whose husband died almost exactly the same +time as Mother, for Father is guardian to her three +children. She was here to-day with Willi, because +he has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked +it over, and she said that if Father married Frau R., +she would leave home. In the evening when we were +at supper, I said: If only Frau v. R. was not so ugly. +Father, don't you think she's perfectly hideous? +And Father laughed so lovingly and said: You +need not be anxious, little witch, I'm not going to +inflict a stepmother on you." I was so glad, and so +was Dora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora +said: "I felt sure that you would never break your +oath to Mother," and she burst out crying. And +Father said: "No, girls, I did not give any promise +to your Mother, she would never have asked anything +of the kind. But with grown girls like you it would +never do to bring a stepmother into the house." And +then I told Father that Dora would have gone away +from home, and as for me, I should certainly have +been frightfully upset. For _if_ Father really wanted +_to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and +so would Dora. But Father said once more: Don't +worry, I certainly shan't marry again." And I said: +"Not even Aunt Dora?" And he said: "Oh, as +for her -- --" And then he pulled himself up and +said: "No, no, not even Aunt Dora." Dora has just +told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely I must +know that Father is not particularly charmed by +Aunt. And then she blamed me for having told +Father that she would leave home if he were to marry +again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrust +any secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least +three quarters of an hour, so it is already half past 11. +Luckily to-morrow is a holiday, because of the +Emperor's birthday. But I am so glad to know for +certain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R +I could never get on with a stepmother. + +October 9th. It's horribly difficult in German this +year. In composition we are not allowed to make +any rough notes, we have to write it straight off and +then _hand it in_. I simply can't. Professor Fritsch +is very handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of +him for he is so strict. His wife is in an asylum +and his children live with his mother. He has got +a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to +be a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. +Hella is perfectly fascinated by him, but I'm not in +the least. For I always think of Prof. W. in the +Second, and that's enough for me. I'm not going +to fall in love with any more professors. In the Training +College, where Marina is now, in her fourth year +one of the professors last year married a former pupil. +I would not do that at any price, marry a former +professor,: who knows all one's faults. Besides, he +must be at least 12 or 20 years older than the girl; +and that's perfectly horrible, one might as well marry +one's father; he would be at least fond of her, and +she would at least know the way he likes to have +everything done; but to marry one's former professor, +what an extraordinary thing to do! + +October 15th. I'm frightfully anxious that Hella +may have a relapse; she says that nothing would +induce her to have a second operation, especially now +that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That +would be awful! I did my best to persuade her to +tell her mother that she has such pain; but she +won't. + +October 19th. In November, Hella's father will +be made a general and will be stationed in Cracow. +Thank goodness she is going to stay here with her +grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only +go to Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the +summer holidays. She is frantically delighted. The +good news has made her quite well again. Everyone +at school is very proud that there will be a general's +daughter in our class. It's true that there is a field- +marshal's daughter in the Third, but he is retired. +Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over a +retired officer. + +October 22nd. We are so much excited that we've +hardly any time to learn our lessons. At Christmas +last year some one gave Hella's mother several of +Geierstamm's novels. The other day one of them +was lying on the table, and when her mother was out +Hella had a hurried look at it and read the title _The +Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finished +it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, +and now we are reading it. It's simply wonderful! +It keeps me awake all night; Signe whom he is so +passionately fond of and who deceives him. We +cried so much that we could not go on reading. And +Gretchen, the girl, to whom her father is everything; +I can understand so well that she is always anxious +lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, +although she has a husband already. And when she +dies, oh, it's so horrible and so beautiful that we read +it over three times in succession. The other day +my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said +I must be working too hard; for she thinks that Hella +and I are studying literature together. Oh dear, lessons +are an awful nuisance when one has _such_ books +to read. + +October 24th. When I look at Father I always +think of the novel _The Power of Woman_; of course +leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes she'll be +able to get hold of some other book, but it's not so +easy to do without her mother finding it out, for she +often lends books to her friends. Then there would +be an awful row. We certainly don't want to read +_The Little Brother's Book_, the title does not attract +us; but there's a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, +it must be splendid; we _must_ get that whatever happens. + +October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep +on their flat, and Hella's grandmother will come and +live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ is going to C., +and of course Hella's mother too. Lizzi will stay, +for she is taking cooking lessons, since she is to be +_married_ in Mid-Lent. + +October 31st. Hella's parents left to-day, she +cried frightfully, for she did so want to go with them. +Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she is engaged already, +and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, +either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care +which. + +November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were +furious in the German lesson to-day. One or two of +the girls did not know the proper places for commas, +and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing +at all in previous years. We understood perfectly +well that he was aiming at Frau Doktor M., whose +German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times better +than Professor F.'s. And on this very matter of +punctuation Frau Doktor M. took a tremendous lot +of trouble and gave us lots of examples. Besides, +whether one has a good style or not does not depend +upon whether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. +The two Ehrenfelds, who towards the end were awfully +fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who were Frau +Doktor M.'s favourites, ought to write a composition +without a single comma, just to show him. That's a +splendid idea, and Hella and I will do it like a shot +if only the others can be trusted to do it too. + +November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ +have at least two outings every month, even in winter. +If that had been decided in the last school year, when +Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly +have gone every time. But this year, when she has +left, we can't enjoy it. Frau Doktor St. is awfully +nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go +somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes +with us, and Lizzi if she likes. As soon as the snow +comes we are going to have tobogganing parties at +Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. + +December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed +without my writing, but I must write to-day! There's +been such a row in the German lesson!! We got +back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 +Ehrenfelds, Brauner, Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, +had not put a single comma. Nothing would have +been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in +commas first and then scratched them out. We had +agreed that if the Prof. noticed anything we would +say we had meant to go through them together before +the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, +but that we had had no time. Now the silly fool +has given away the whole show. He is going to bring +the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, +it's simply _impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad +conduct mark. + +December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect +the German lesson to-day. Afterwards she said that +she expected us to make all the knowledge which +Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the +firm foundation of our further development in the +higher classes. In the English lesson she referred +to the more restricted use of punctuation marks in +English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned +to the office. The whole school knew about the trouble +and was astonished at our courage, especially the lower +classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were rather annoyed +that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head +gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled +piece of impudence, and that we were not doing +credit to Frau Doktor M. Then Hella said very modestly: +"Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to +say a word in our defence?" Then she explained that +Prof. Fritsch never missed a chance of casting a slur +upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain words of course, +but so that we could not fail to understand it, and that +was why we acted as we did. The head answered we +must certainly be mistaken, that no member of the +staff could ever speak against another in such a way +we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we +know perfectly well how often the Nutling used to +say in the Maths lesson: "Don't you know _that_? +Surely you _must_ have been taught that." The emphasis +does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we +were told to do our best to make amends before the +meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds suggested that we should +write the compositions over again, of course with all +the commas, and should place them on his desk to- +morrow morning before the German lesson; but all +the rest of us were against this, for we saw plainly +that the head had changed colour when Hella said +what she did. We shall make the corrections and +then we shall all begin new copybooks. + +December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff +meeting, but not a word has been said yet about our +affair, and in the German lesson yesterday the Prof. +gave out the subject for the third piece of home work +without saying anything in particular. I think he is +afraid to. Hella has saved us all, for everyone else +would have been afraid to say what she did, even I. +Hella said: "My dear Rita, I'm not an officer's +daughter for nothing; if _I_ have not courage, who +should have? The girls stare at us in the interval +and whenever they meet us, though in the office the +head said to us: "I do hope that this business will +not be spread all over the school." But Brauner has +a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler's sister is in +the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard +about it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our +parents or something would have happened already. +Besides, to be on the safe side, I have already dropped +a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, +is no longer at the school, it is impossible that there +can be much fuss. It was only at first that we were +alarmed, but Hella was quite right when she said: +"I'm sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in +the right_." + +December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora +and I had gone to do our Christmas shopping, and +we came across him just as we had turned into Tuchlauben. +Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices +trembled_. He does look fine, with his black moustache +and his flashing eyes! And the green facings on his +tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat +quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with +us as far as the Upper Market-place; he has another +six-months furlough because of throat trouble; so +Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied +that -- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he +kissed our hands, _mine as well as Dora's_, and smiled +so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. Several +times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. +But when Dora does not want a thing, you can do +what you like and she won't budge; she's as obstinate +as a mule! She's always been like that since she +was quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor +not! That meant: Dora won't; little wretch! such a +wilful little beast! + +December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing +party on the Anninger; it was glorious, we +kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow lay fairly +thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. +As we were going home such a ridiculous thing happened +to Hella; she caught her foot on a snag and +tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She had +to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so +badly that every one believed she had sprained her +ankle tobogganing. Her grandmother was frightfully +angry and said: "That comes of such _unladylike_ +amusements!" Aunt Dora was very much upset, for +she had been with us, but Father said: Hella's grandmother +is quite an old lady, and in her day people +had very different views in this respect. I should say +so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times +a day, all the things she must not say and must not +do, and all the things which are unsuitable for young +girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her under +a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must +not be able to see out, and _no one_ must be able to see +_in_. (The last is the main point.) + +December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson +before Christmas, and not a word more has been +said about our affair. Hella has proved splendidly +right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with +every member of the staff, has congratulated her, and +so has Hammer, who is a newcomer and did not +know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o'clock the +other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school +of dramatic art, and says that the whole tone of the +place is utterly different, she is so glad to have done +with the High School. She had heard of the affair +with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon our +_strength of character_, especially Hella of course. She +says that the matter is common talk in all the High +Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl +at the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, +a girl whose sister is at the School of Dramatic Art. +She is very happy there, but she is annoyed that such +an institution should still be called a school; it's not +a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see +how free they all are. She is very pretty and has even +more figure than she used to have. She speaks very +prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that everyone +turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will +be able to invite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ +I should never be able to stand on a stage before a lot +of strangers, I know I would never be able to get a +word out. + +December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The +day before yesterday she got such bad influenza and +sore throat that she can't go to Cracow. She says +she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas +that has been spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis +operation, and now this wretched influenza. She hopes +her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her father +will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we +get on, Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas +without Mother. I simply don't dare to think of it, +for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says too +that it can't be a proper Christmas without Mother. I +wonder what Father will say when he sees Mother's +portrait. I do hope the frame will be ready to-morrow. +Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able +to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same +time with a lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every +day and who is a count, and he is madly in love with +her. He knows that her father is a general, for when +her father went to kiss the Emperor's hand he took +Hella part of the way with him in the motor, and she +was introduced to the lieutenant then. So now he +salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall +and looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys +me with Hella is that she _invariably_ denies it when +she is in love with anyone. I always tell her, or if +she notices anything I don't deny it. What's the +sense of it between friends? for example, the year before +last she was certainly in love with the young +doctor in the hospital. And in September when we +came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant +in the flying corps, I made no secret of the +fact that I was frantically in love with him. But she +did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, +when people don't see one another for months and +flirt with others between whiles. That was aimed at +Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it's really +too absurd. + +December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor +M., at least she is Frau Professor Theyer now, has +written to me. I had sent her Christmas good wishes, +and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time +she wished me a happy New Year, _she took the lead +in this_; it was heavenly. I was frightfully annoyed +because Dora said that she had done it only to save +herself the trouble of writing again; I'm sure that's +not true. Dora always says things like that simply +to annoy me. But her sweet, her divine letter, I +carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_ photograph +too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for +that was all Hella had sent her. I can quite well +fancy Frau Doktor M. as a stepmother, that is, not +quite well, but better than anyone else. She wrote +so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I +should find this Christmas less happy than usual. She +is certainly right there. We can none of us feel as if +the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. The +only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way +Father will stare when he sees the portrait. But +really in the first years after such a loss one ought not +to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels one's +sadness more than ever. + +December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do +for Christmas, but I must write to-day. There was a +ring at the front door this morning at about half past 11. +I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that she +must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door +open, prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply +kerblunxed, for there was a gentleman standing who +asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew +him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from +Fieberbr. Meanwhile Dora had opened the drawing- +room door, and now came the great proof of deceitfulness: +She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: +"Ah, Dr. Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept +your word." So it was plain that he had promised +her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he +was coming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black +silk apron with the insertions, such as we only wear +when visitors are expected. What a humbug she is! +So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt +Dora came in and asked him to supper this evening. +Then he went away. All the time he had not said +a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed +that there was such a person as me in the world +Not until he was actually leaving did he say: "Well; +Fraulein, how are you?" "Oh well," said I, "I'm +much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother's +death." Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I +shall know how to treat him _if_ he becomes my brother- +in-law. But that may be a long way off; for he +lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow +Dora to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly +said a word, I was so enraged at this deceitfulness. +But there is more to come. At 7, or whatever time +it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared +in a white blouse with a black bow, and had remained +in her room till the last minute so that I might not +know what she was wearing. For I had believed she +would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so +I was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. +At supper he talked all the time to Dora, so I purposely +talked to Oswald. Then he said that on March +1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once +more Dora was not in the least astonished, so _she must +have known all about it!_ But now I remember quite +well that in October the postman handed me a letter +for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was +_corresponding with him openly the whole time_, less +than 6 months after Mother's death. It really is too +bad! But when I was chattering about the country, +she kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh +so frightfully. And when my brother-in-law in spe, +oh how it does make me laugh, two or three years +ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora +Inspe, because she had said of Robert Warth and +me: The bridal pair in spe! And now she is in +the same position. When he went away in the evening +I was trembling lest Father should invite him to the +Christmas tree, but thank goodness when Father +asked: "What are you doing with yourself to-morrow," +he answered: "To-morrow I am spending the +day with my sister's family, she is married to a captain +out Wieden way." Thank goodness that came to +nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for visitors, +especially the first Christmas without Mother. And +if she knew -- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens +to the soul. Of course I gave up believing in +Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. +There are so many riddles, and they make one so +unhappy; in a newspaper feuilleton the other day +I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle of Love_. +But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can +see by Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, +seem alike in this respect. I remember what Hella +told me about Lizzi's engagement. It is true, she +had first made his acquaintance in London, not at +home; but there was just the same deceitfulness. +What on earth does it mean? Would it not be much +more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister _everything_? +Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be +an ally. Oh well, _I_ don't care, I'm not going to let +my Christmas Eve be disturbed by a thing _like that_; +if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all. On Boxing +Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall +tell Hella that I want to come to her and her grandmother. +After all, I am glad she has stayed in Vienna. + +December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. +We all three got Mother's picture, life size in +beautiful green frames, for our rooms. Dora sobbed +out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and +put my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; +for he adored Mother. Only Oswald did not actually +cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so glad that +Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to +cry before strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure +blouses, not lace blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid +album for 500 postcards, and she also gave me an +anthology which I had asked for. Brahms' Hungarian +Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last +year because she said they were too difficult for me; +as if _that_ were any business of hers; surely my music +mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper +with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything +complete, and hair ribbons and other trifles. Father +was awfully delighted with Mother's portrait; of +course we had not known that he was getting us life- +size portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph +of the winter before last we had quite a small likeness +painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a painter, and +who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. +And we got a lovely rococo frame to close up; when +it is open it looks as if Mother were looking out of +the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitz +thought it _most original_. Dora considered it very +awkward that he would not take any money for it, but +it made it possible for us to get a much more elegant +frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going +to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought with +_our own_ money, I wanted to send them for Christmas, +but we don't know anything about cigars, and we +did not want to tell anyone because one can never +know whether one won't be betrayed and you will be +told it is unintentional; but that is not true, for when +one betrays anything one has always secretly intended +to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the tongue; +but one really knows all the time. I can't write down +all the extra things that Dora got, only one of them: +At 7 o'clock just when Father was lighting the candles +on the tree, a commissionaire brought some lovely roses +with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath +a nosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. +with a card, but she would not let anyone read that. +All she said was: Dr. P. sends everyone Christmas +greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_ +Christmas," but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, +and Hella gave me a bead bag, and I gave her a +purse with the double eagle on it, for she wanted a +purse that would have a military look. I never knew +anyone with such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; +certainly I think officers look awfully smart; but +surely it's going too far when she feels that other men +practically don't exist. The others have to learn a +lot, for example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, +not to speak of students at the College of Agriculture, +for perhaps these last "hardly count" (that's the phrase +Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn +a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will +admit that, and always begins to talk of the officers +of the general staff; as if they _all_ belonged to the +general staff! We have often argued about it. Still, +I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of +course one who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise +it's no go; for Father says the Bruckners have +no private means. It's true he always says that of +us too, but I don't believe it; we are not so to say rich, +but I fancy we should both of us have enough money +for an officer to be able to marry us. Anyhow, Dora +voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_ she is really +going to marry Dr. P. + +27th. Well, I went to Hella's yesterday and stayed +till 9, and on Christmas Day she was here. I see that +I wrote above that the Bs. were not well off; it seems +to me to be very much the reverse. We always get a +great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and +on our birthdays and name days (of course Protestants +don't have these last), but we don't give one another +such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had been +given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear +at the dancing class which must have cost at least 50 +crowns, and a lace collar and cuffs, which we had +seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, then she +had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of +smaller things which she never even looked at. And to +see all the things her sister got, things for her _trousseau!_ +And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 crowns whilst ours +cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I +think that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and +I said to Hella: "You must be enormously rich." +And she said: "Oh well, not so rich as all that; I +must not expect to marry an officer on the general +staff. Lizzi has done very well for herself for Paul +is a baron and is very well off. He is frantically in +love with her; queer taste, isn't it?" I quite agree, +for Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, +beautiful fair hair, but she is so awfully thin, not a +trace of b -- --, Hella has much more figure. And +if one hasn't any by the time one is 20 one is not +likely to get one. + +Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella +asked me: "I say, what's the Christian name of that +Dr. who is dangling after your sister?" Then it struck +me for the first time that on his visiting card he only +has Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered +that last summer, when we first made his acquaintance, +Dora said, It's a pity he's called August, the name +does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt +quite ill, for of course Hella began to sing: "O du +lieber Augustin," and then I thought of Der dumme +August [clown's nickname in circus] and we wondered +what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, +my darling Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were +in fits of laughter. Then we discussed what names +we should like to have for our husbands, and I said: +Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn't you like +Siegfried? But I put my hand on her mouth and said: +"Shut up, or you will make me really angry, _that_ is +and must remain forgotten." She said what she would +like best would be to have a husband called Peter or +Thamian or Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she +would use Dami or Sosti; and then she said quite +seriously that she would only marry a man called +Egon, or Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that +moment her mother came in to call us to tea, and she +said: "What's an that about Alexander and Georg? +You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together +for a couple of minutes (I had come at half past 2 +and the Brs. have tea at 4, and that's what Hella's +mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of unsuitable +things." Hella was afraid her mother would +think God knows what, so she said: "Oh no, Mother, +we were only discussing what names we should like +our fiances to have." You ought to have seen how +her mother went on. "That's just it, that when you +are barely 15 (I'm not 15 yet) you should have nothing +but _such_ things in your heads!" _Such_ things, +how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was +the other evening at home; for the Herr Baron was +there, that is, they all say Du to one another now, for +the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is settled +whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be +transferred to Berlin. It must be funny to say "Du" +to a strange man. Hella says she soon got used to it, +and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings +Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he +always gives Hella a box for herself. _Other_ people +would certainly not do that, and I know _other_ people +who wouldn't accept it. When I got home, Father +said: Well, another time I think you'd better stay +and sleep at the Brs., and I said: I did not want to +be a killjoy here. And Oswald said: "What you need +is a box on the ear," Father was luckily out of the +room already and so I said: "_Your_ children, if you +ever have any, can be kept in order by boxing their +ears till they are green and blue, but you have no +rights over your sisters, Father told you so in +Fieberbrunn." "Oh, I know Father always backs you two +up, he has done so from the first." "Please don't +draw me into your quarrels," said Dora, as if she had +been something quite different from me. And then +Aunt Dora said: "I do wish you would not keep on +quarreling." "_I_ didn't begin it," said I, and went +away without saying goodnight; that is I went to +Father's room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt +Dora in the hall, but I _didn't_ say goodnight to Oswald +and Dora, for I'm not going to put up with _everything_. +And now it's half past 11 already, for I have been writing +such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I'm +_very_ unhappy. Even Hella doesn't know how unhappy +I am. I must go to bed now; whether I shall +sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly +manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. + +31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. +Her father and mother returned to Cracow yesterday +evening, and she told her grandmother she was going +to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going +to the Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella +went for a walk round the cemetery while I went to +darling Mother's grave. I am so unhappy; Hella consoles +me as much as she can, but even she can't understand. + +January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New +Year's Eve yesterday, but were quite alone and it +was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought +Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some +lovely violets as a New Year's greeting. He is leaving +on the 4th, so he is coming here on the evening of +the 3rd. I can't say I look forward to it. To-morrow +school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that +means good luck; Father says it is a scandal the way +the dirt carts go on all through the day in Vienna, +and that one should see one even on New Year's day +at 2 in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_ + +January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. +We had a real piece of _luck_ to-day! In the big interval +I noticed a little knot of girls in the hall, and suddenly +I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau +Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was +standing among them, she saw us directly and held out +her hand to us so we kissed it. She has come to visit +her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she +did not know for certain whether she would be able +to come to the school she had not written either to +me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and so +entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and +Frau Doktor Dunker came in I saw that _she_ was still +standing outside. So I put my handkerchief up to my +face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out to +her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held +out her arms to me. Hardly had I reached her, when +Hella came out and said: "Of course I understood +directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go +and look after you." Then the Frau Professor laughed +like anything and said: "You are such wicked little +actresses; I must send you back immediately." But +of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then +we begged her to let us stay with her, but she said: +"No, no, I've been your teacher here, and I must not +encourage you in mischief. But here is a better idea. +Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?" +"Rather," we both exclaimed. She said she was staying +in a hotel, but we must not come alone to a hotel, +so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, +and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we +kissed both her hands and were so happy! To-morrow +at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and nearly a whole +day to wait. "If your parents allow you," she said; +as if Father or even Hella's grandmother would not +allow _that!_ All Father said was: "All right Gretel, +but don't go quite off your head first or you won't be +able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as +crazy as you are?" Of course, how can one be otherwise? + +January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it's awful, Hella is coming +to fetch me at half past 3. In school to-day we kept +on looking at one another, and all the other girls +thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, +what do we care about a man now! We had a +splendid idea, that we had just time to make a memento +for _her_, since she does not leave until the evening +of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow +silk for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram +E. T., the new one of course. Hella is painting a +paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. I would +rather have done something of that sort too, but I have +no patience for such work, so I often spoil it before +I've finished. But one can't very well spoil a piece of +embroidery. But I shan't get the tracing on the silk +back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall have to +work all night and the whole day to-morrow. + +Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever +way you like to take it, the idiot at the shop had +forgotten about the bookmarker and I shan't get it +until to-morrow morning early. So I'm able to write +now: It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down +in front of her house for at least half an hour, until +at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so sweet +to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply +would not have it_, and so she said Du as she used to. +We talked of all sorts of things, I don't know what, +only that I suddenly burst out crying, and then she +drew me to her b -- --, no, I can't write that about her; +she drew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ +and went almost crazy. Hella says that I +put both my arms round her neck, but I'm sure that's +all imagination, for I should never have dared. She +has such fascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ +glistens so on her divine ring finger. Of course we +talked about the school, and then she suddenly said: +Tell me what really happened about those compositions, +when half the class deliberately refrained from +putting any punctuation marks. "Oh," we said, "that +is a frightful cram, it wasn't _half_ the class, but only 6 +of us who have a special veneration for you." Then +we told her how it all came about. She laughed a +little, and said: "Well, girls, you did not do me +any particular _service_. It really was a great piece of +impertinence." But I said: "Prof. Fritsch's remarks +were 10 times more impertinent, for they related to +another member of the staff, and what was worse to +you." Then she said: "My darling girls, that often +happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputa- +tion, whether justly or unjustly; one is liable to that +in every profession." Hella said that the head mistress +was not like that or there would have been a frightful +row, since the matter had become known in all the +High Schools of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: +"Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really a splendid woman." +Then there came something glorious, or really 2 glorious +things: 1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, +better than I have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and +we are really connoisseurs in the matter of sweets. +The second thing, even more glorious, was this: after +we had been there some time, there was a knock at +the door and in came _her_ husband, the Herr Prof., +and said: "How are you my treasure?" and to us: +"Goodday, young _ladies_." Then she introduced us, +saying: "Two of my best-loved pupils and my most +faithful adherents." Then the Herr Prof. laughed a +great deal and said: "That can't be said of all +pupils." So I said quickly: "Oh yes, it can be said +of Frau Doktor, the whole class would go through +fire for her." Then he went away, and she said: +"Excuse me for a moment," and we could hear quite +plainly that _he kissed her_ in the next room, and then +she said as she came in again: "Oh well, be off with +you, Karl, goodbye." It's a pity his name is Karl, +it's so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect +when they are alone he calls her Lieschen, since he +is a North German. I must go to bed, it's half past 11 +already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, +my sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! +God, I am so happy. + +January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, +and we can't go tobogganing because Dora has a +_chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the 4th, worked at +it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up +at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and +at 2 o'clock we took our mementoes to the house. +Though we should have liked to give them to her +ourselves, we didn't, but only gave them to the maid. +She said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: +"No, thank you, we don't want to disturb Frau Theyer, +and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh no, +it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you +know what _she_ said: But my dear child, you will make +yourself ill; you must not do that on _my_ account!" +Oh dear, I'm crying so that I can hardly write, +but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that's glorious +to put down, things that I must never, never forget, +even if it should take me a week to write. The great +thing is that I shall simply live upon this memory, +and the only thing I want in life is that I may see +_her_ once more. Of course we took her some flowers on +Friday, I lilies of the valley with violets and tuberoses, +and Hella Christmas roses. She was delighted, and +went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought +in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair +is grey, she is charming; but she is not in the least +like Frau Doktor M. When we said goodbye she +offered us still more sweets, but since we were both +nearly crying already we did not want to take any +more, but she wrapped them nearly all up for us, saying: +"To console you in your sorrow." From anyone +else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it +was simply lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and +Hella gave me 9 of them and took only 8 for herself. +I shall eat only one every day, so that they will last +me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not +so frightfully in love as I am, and yesterday she said, +in joke of course: "It seems to me that your whole +world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you'll be +drowned." And then she asked me how I could have +been so stupid as to use the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, +although she hemmed to warn me. She said it really +was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. +blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her +_husband_ came in, she certainly did flush up like anything. +Hella and I talked of quite a lot of _other things +of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask her +whether she has given up going to church, for I think +the Herr Prof. really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ +like one. For lots of other men wear black beards. +But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks it is +a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about +such things_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? +Oh, it would be horrible. Of course she may have +entered into a _marriage_ contract, that would have been +the best way. However, Hella thinks that the professor +would not have agreed to anything of the kind. +But surely if he was frantically in love with her . . . + +January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically +jealous. We did not say in so many words that we, +alone among them all, had been invited to see her, +but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given +us and in the interval she said: This must be eaten +reverently, and she cut it in two to give me half. The +Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given by some +acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude +said: "Doubly sweetened, by chocolate and love." +"Yes," said I, "but not in the sense you imagine." +And since she said: "Oh, of course, I know all about +that, but I don't want to be indiscreet," Hella said: +"I may as well tell you that Frau Doktor M., or I +should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer, gave us +this sweet and a great many more on the day she had +invited us to go and see her." Then they were all +utterly kerblunxed and said: "Great Scott, what +luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.'s favourites, +especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau +Doktor M." + +January 17th. The whole school knows about our +being invited to see her, the glorious one! I've just +been reading it over, and I see that I have left a frightful +lot out, especially about her father. When we were +leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying +because as I opened the door I had said, For the +last time! Just then an old gentleman came up and +was about to go in, and when he saw that we were +crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, +he came up to us and asked what was the matter. +Then Hella said: "We have lost out best friend." +Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously +long time and said: "I say, do you happen to +be the two ardent admirers of Frau Doktor Mallburg? +She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: +But you really can't go through the streets bathed in +tears like that. Come upstairs again with me and +my daughter will console you." So we really did go +upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her +father opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your +admirers simply can't part from you, and I found +them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. Then +she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing- +gown!!!_ exquisite. And she led us into the room and +said: "Girls, you must not look at me in this old rag, +which is only fit to throw away." I should have liked +to say: "Give it to _me_ then." But of course I could +not. And when we made our final goodbye, perhaps +_for ever_, she kissed each of us _twice over_ and said: +Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world! + +January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to +meet Lajos and Jeno. But I'm not going, for Jeno +does not interest me in the very least. That was not +a _real_ love. I don't care for anyone in the whole world +except her, my one and only! Even Hella can't understand +that, in fact she thinks it _dotty_. Father wanted +me to go to Hella's _to change the current of my +thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ +to anyone, for no one understands me. But I never +could have believed that Father would be just like +anyone else. It's quite true that I'm getting thin. +I'm so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day +because Dora has a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So +I am going to the church in Schwindgasse and shall +walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhaps I +shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her +the day before yesterday. + +January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me +_by return!_ This is the second letter I have had from +her! At dinner to-day Father said: "Hullo, Gretel, +why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen +you with such a sunny face for a long time." So I +answered in as few words as possible: "After dinner +I will tell _you_ why." For the others need not know +anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely +that Frau Prof. Th. had written to me, Father said: +"Oh, is _that_ what has pleased you so much. But I +have something up my sleeve which will also please +you. February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, +you have 2 days free, and if you and Hella can get +a day off from school on Saturday we might make an +excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?" +It would be glorious, if only Hella is allowed to come, +for her grandmother imagines that the sore throat she +had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on +the Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! +As if _we_ could help that. Still, by good luck she may +have forgotten it; she is 63 already, and one forgets +a lot when one is that age. + +Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! +Perhaps we shall try a little skiing. But really Hella +is a horrid pig; she said: "All right, I'll come, if +you'll promise not to be continually talking about Frau +Professor Th. I'm very fond of her too, but you +are simply crazy about her." It's really too bad, and +I shall never mention _her_ name to the others any more. +I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at Mariazell. +We've never made any such excursion in winter +before. Hurrah, it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the +31st of January were here; I'm frantically excited. + + + +EDITOR'S NOTE + + +Rita's joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening +snow-clad hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate +was thrust into the lives of the two sisters. On January 29th +their father, suddenly struck down with paralysis, was brought +home in an ambulance, and died in a few hours without recovering +consciousness. + +Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, +separated from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had +to struggle for peace of soul in the isolation of a provincial +town -- -- -- + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of A Young Girl's Diary +Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud + diff --git a/old/ygdsf10.zip b/old/ygdsf10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..70bdb7e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ygdsf10.zip |